People Want Us To Guide Them In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
16. AITJ For Still Going To A Canceled Doctor's Appointment?
“I want to say that I’m a very generous host, I do most of the hosting as part of my stay-at-home-mom duty. My husband works a very stressful and demanding job and believe me… I appreciate what he does so much and I never imply I’m working harder despite caring for the house and the kids 24/7.
So recently, I’ve been having issues with my eyesight or vision, My eyes started looking reddish and would hurt a lot. I’ve ignored the issue hoping it’d go away and because I’m too busy at home (post-Christmas cleaning) but I was advised to schedule an appointment with the doctor asap and I did, though it was extremely hard to get an appointment on such short notice.
My husband told me he wanted to have friends over for dinner on this day but I told him that I have an appointment with the doctor to get my eyes checked, he said I could reschedule since my eyes looked fine but I said no, it was urgent and I needed to go and he just nodded silently.
The day of the appointment he sees me coming downstairs ready to go and asks where, I tell him and he says that he already sent the clinic an email canceling my appointment and that maybe I should go the next week or so. I look at him and ask why and he tells me that he needs me here so I could host dinner for his friends and that I already knew so I shouldn’t act surprised…
I get mad at him and say ‘God no!’ then grab the laptop and contact the clinic immediately, thankfully they put my appointment back on and I tell him I will be going right then.
He pitches a fit and says he already invited his friends for dinner and I can’t just bail on him like that, I tell him to postpone but he refuses and begs that I skip my appointment since it wasn’t an emergency but I say no…
He then gets angrier and says he won’t drive me then but I call my sister and wait for her while he’s done with his tantrum about how much of a rude host I am and whatnot.
I leave and come back at 7 to find the house empty, he later calls me still angry saying I failed him and made him look unwelcoming and just an overall bad friend for refusing to host dinner for his friends and forcing him to cancel it.
He then spent the night out and came home the next day just sulking, calling me a bad host and manipulative and stubborn to bail on him the way I did, and he’ll always remember that.
His words made me feel so horrible as someone who loves to host in general and am thinking I should’ve gone to my appointment some other time since those dinner meetings don’t happen often.
AITJ?
Sharing ages as I seem to forget to include them: I’m 34 and he’s 37.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you’re not even close to the jerk. You did exactly what you should’ve done and your husband acted like an entitled tantrum-throwing child and had no concern for you whatsoever. He chose to invite people over knowing you made an urgent appointment for your health that day, he dismissed your need for the appointment instead of lovingly supporting you, and tried to control you by canceling the appointment.
He decided you didn’t really need it so that you could work at home to entertain his friends whom he invited knowing you had to make this appointment and just did not care.
Then when you bravely stood your ground to this chauvinist child (sorry but that’s how this all looks) he berated you horribly, insulted you, and blamed you for the fallout of HIS actions which he took with all the info to make better ones expecting you to fall into line and ignore your immediate health needs!
Shock and horror! There’s nothing good or redeeming about what he did TO you at all. You can’t possibly think for one more second you are the bad guy here because you did NOTHING WRONG and he did EVERYTHING WRONG and YOU should be refusing to speak to HIM and not the other way around.” Orphan_Izzy
Another User Comments:
“Your husband is a major jerk here. He canceled your appointment behind your back and then throws tantrums for not getting what he wanted. Is he 3?
And on top, he managed to gaslight you until you start doubting yourself. You told him in advance you have no time on that day. He is a terrible host, and a terrible husband if he invites guests without checking with you first. But he just wants to order you around.
You are not his maid! I don’t want to imagine what evenings look like when he brings guests. Let me guess: you cook, serve food and drinks, clean up and make sure the kids don’t disturb you. And make sure you look nice!
Your job is as important as his job! Sit him down and demand his respect.
Inform him (there is 0 space for negotiation) that he can only invite guests, when you agree to it, or if he caters himself. And he has to help with the extra work.
NTJ.” yhaensch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But sweetie, are you his wife, or are you simply your husband’s free domestic help? Your post sounds like you are more of a domestic servant that is being held hostage by her own employer, who is incredibly demanding and self-centered and expects his staff to be at his beck and call at a moment’s notice, regardless of the well-being of the staff.
He did not treat you with the respect due to his wife, the mother of his children, and the keeper of that sacred domain, the home. He actually treated you with utter disrespect, disdain, and cruelty.
I’m horrified that he absolutely minimized your own health concerns, then went behind your back and canceled your appointment because it clashed with his last-minute dinner party.
A man who truly loves his wife will be more concerned with his wife having eye problems than he will be with canceling a dinner. How is a social engagement, any social engagement, worth more than the health and well-being of your spouse?
You didn’t ‘bail’ on him. Your husband knew you already had something scheduled, and he expected you to cancel because he felt that HIS plans for you took precedence.
He knew about your appointment days before you went to it, and you told him you were going to that very important appointment. He simply took it upon himself to go behind your back and cancel your appointment without your consent or knowledge, because to him, having you around to do the work for the dinner was more important than your health.
He demanded no less than your absolute submission, regardless of your concerns for your own health, and he utterly degraded you not just as his wife, but as a human being in general.
He is the person who created this entire ugly scenario. He did not listen to you when you said you would not be around to host his dinner party.
He canceled your appointment without your consent, and without even telling you he did so until the last possible minute and just carried on like you were going to cook… And you didn’t even know he was doing this! He refused to drive you to your appointment and instead raged because his dinner party was suddenly without a hostess and cook.
Then he disappeared for a day, only to sulk and make horrible accusations when he did return. At every turn of your situation, you were reacting to someone else’s actions. You did not instigate the situation. He did. And he escalated it by trying to harm you further every time he did not get his way.
‘… calling me a bad host and manipulative and stubborn to bail on him the way I did and that he’ll always remember that.’
Take a good, hard look at the above quote, which is actually a threat that implies that in a situation where he has power over you in a decision, your husband will do his best to hurt you.
That is not the mark of a good man. He actively went behind your back to try to force you to cook and host for him, and he manipulated the situation and you in order to make you do what HE wanted. And when you did not, he put the blame on you. But you were not the person who created the events, and you were not the person who used threats, underhanded tactics, and emotional manipulation to try to get something.
You were simply part of someone else’s plans, and when you did not comply, that someone else’s plans fell apart. You were victimized by someone concerned only with himself, and that same person is now verbally abusing and threatening you. Every one of his actions points to him being the exact opposite of a loving husband.
Are you ever truly happy with how he treats you? And are you sure this is a life you want to continue living? Perhaps it is time for you to take stock of your situation and look for alternatives that honor your status as both a woman and a human being.
It might do you some good to go visit your sister and tell her what your husband is doing.
If there is one thing I have learned over the years, it’s that family will help you when you are in danger.” t**********y
15. AITJ For Not Inviting My Sister-In-Law To My Wedding To Avoid Family Drama?
“My (26M) older brother, Jack (32M) was once the golden child of the family. Then when he started going out with Jill (32F), our mother became weirdly jealous. She would constantly run Jill down behind her back and would always make snarky remarks to her face. To her credit, Jill never retaliated and always remained friendly.
When Jack and Jill got married, my mother’s behavior towards her worsened to the point she ruined their wedding day. When Jack announced that they were having a baby, mom suddenly wanted to be Jill’s best friend. This changed again as soon as Jill gave birth to my niece. I won’t go into detail but her behavior resulted in Jack and Jill going no contact with her.
It has been three years since all of this occurred. I still speak to all of them and see my mother regularly.
I recently got engaged to my partner, Laura (24F) and we have been planning our wedding. I asked Jack to be my best man and he agreed. Since we will be busy most of the day, his interactions with our mom will be pretty limited. I was feeling confident that our day would be drama free until Laura came home from wedding dress shopping looking stressed out.
When I asked her what was wrong and she told me that my mom (who was invited along with her mother and our bridesmaids) made a comment about how she was looking forward to putting Jill in her place at the wedding. Apparently, she then ran Jill down to anyone that would listen and made everyone feel uncomfortable.
Understandably we both became worried that mom’s feud with Jill would ruin our wedding day so we came to the decision to uninvite Jill in order to avoid this.
When I spoke to Jack about our decision, he got upset and kept repeating that this was his wife, the mother of his child, and my sister-in-law that we were excluding for something that wasn’t her fault.
I repeatedly told him that I think Jill is great and that I don’t think she has done anything wrong but I don’t want drama on my wedding day or for her to be put into an uncomfortable situation with our mother. Jack ended up telling me that if mom can’t even last a day without starting drama then maybe I should be reassessing who needs to be uninvited and that if his wife couldn’t attend, he wouldn’t either.
I feel like I am stuck behind a rock and a hard place here. I know Jill hasn’t done anything wrong and have never been able to understand why mom is so rude to her when she has always been nice to Laura. I know that my mom is the one in the wrong with all of this but she is my mother and I want her at my wedding.
Just to add, Jill texted me after my conversation with Jack and told me that she understands and not to worry. She would talk to Jack once he calmed down.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. While gown shopping for your future bride’s dress, your mother announces how she cannot wait to make YOUR wedding all about HER issues with your sister-in-law.
Your response is to ban your sister-in-law and not your mother. What is wrong with you?
She’s already taken that joyful, happy occasion and made it about herself. I mean, I’m guessing you have said absolutely nothing to your mom just how out of line that was. They’re out looking to buy the dress she says ‘I Do’ in and your mom decides it’s about her and make herself the focus.
Dude, you’ve got to stand up for yourself and your future bride. This isn’t your mom’s opportunity to shame someone. This is for you and your future bride to share with the people who love and support you.
Get your head out of your butt, and apologize to your brother, your sister-in-law, and especially your bride.
Then tell your mother she is no longer invited. Tell her you have hired a couple of off-duty police officers to make sure she is unable to gain entry.” FL1ghtlesswaterfowl
Another User Comments:
“Well, there seems to be a definite pattern of behavior here, but I’m curious why you’d choose to reward your mother’s continued terrible, bullying behavior and punish people whose only offense seems to be preventing your mother from marrying Jack (or at least remaining the love of his life)?
In case you haven’t realized this yet: your mother’s behavior is neither normal nor acceptable. It is not simply a mother loving her son too much and worrying that he married the wrong person. It isn’t a mom who just wants her son to be happy or who is worried she’ll lose her son to a woman she doesn’t like and isn’t able to get along with.
She is a bully, who decided Jack was hers and that no one else could have him.
So, maybe you think you can appease her and be the new golden child by keeping Jill from the wedding and jumping through her ever-moving hoops, but I promise you that it isn’t going to work that way.
Sure, she’ll be happy for a moment and give you the attention you’ve always craved, but you’re not Jack and she’ll always be ready to reinstall him to golden boy status the moment he calls or if she thinks she has the plan to put herself in front of Jill.
I realize I’m assuming a lot and apologize if I’m way off in the left field.
The thing is, my husband is you and his older brother is the hot & cold golden child. Sure, no situation is exactly the same and my MiL is not a bully, but she hates my SIL and does everything she can to ‘sneakily’ (she’s not sneaky) undermine their relationship and try to get my BIL to divorce her.
She didn’t even meet their daughter, her first grandchild for 2.5 years. Also, my MIL does the same to me.
All of this to say: what do you want your future to look like? Do you want Laura to be subjected to your mom’s nastiness? Do you want to keep trying to please her and always fall short?
Do you want to lose a seemingly (based purely on what you’ve written here, I know relationships are complicated) decent brother/SIL because you hurt them beyond words?
So, yes, YTJ, but I think you can change that by disinviting your mother instead. After all, she’s literally been the center of all the drama and cruelty.
Cut that out of your life and live free.” MamaofTwinDragons
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. By not inviting Jill, you’re enabling your mother to continue her hate towards Jill, because she knows that Jill will be the one to be outcast from the family. You’re punishing the victim, whilst enabling your mother’s terrible behavior towards your brother and his wife.
Instead of not inviting Jill, you should set rules with your mum. Let her know that if she thinks about causing any drama, she’ll be asked to leave. She’s already ruined one wedding, give her an ultimatum and make sure she doesn’t ruin your wedding.
Not inviting Jill to your wedding, means your brother rightly won’t attend and pretty soon you’ll find out that they’ll be going no contact with you.
I understand wanting your mother at your wedding, but her actions mean that your brother and his wife can’t attend, because your mother has hate for your SIL, that she can’t put on hold for your wedding. It sounds like your mother needs some sort of therapy to get over this hatred, that seems to be one-sided.” User
14. AITJ For Causing My Roommate And His Partner To Break Up?
“I (25F) have a roommate ‘Steve’ (26M) who was going out with a girl ‘Kate’ (24) for about 3 months. For background, English is not our first language while Kate is a native English speaker. We live in a place that is really sketchy and it’s considered unsafe for women to go out at night. So I take a cab for work both ways and my time is from 2 to 10 pm.
Steve comes home first. He sometimes picks up Kate whenever she wants to stay the night in our apartment. I cook my lunch and dinner together before going to work and refrigerate my dinner so that I can eat dinner when I come home and sleep early.
One day, I came home early to find Kate eating my dinner while Steve was in the shower.
I told her that was my dinner. She said she thought it was Steve’s and apologized. I thought she was genuinely sorry and didn’t tell Steve anything about it. So I labeled my box and had some milk and went to bed. I have a low appetite so skipping a meal is not a big deal for me.
The next day the same thing happened but Steve was there with her. I confronted her again she said she was hungry and she was really really sorry about that. Steve told her that it was not okay cause now I can’t even go out to get food. I said, ‘Please just don’t do it again and the food in this pink box is mine’.
Then the next day the exact same thing happened so I yelled at her why did she even eat my food in the first place. She couldn’t come up with an excuse this time, so I called Steve and gave him some funds and told him to buy me dinner and yelled that she had eaten my food again and that if she continues to do this I will kick her out.
I told ALL of this in our native language so Kate didn’t even understand a single word.
Kate cut me off while I was yelling and said ‘hey you can’t speak to my man like that’. I asked her if she even understood what we were talking about. She said no, so Steve told her he was gonna buy me dinner because she ate mine.
Kate told me if I want dinner then I should go buy it myself. I told her it was 10.30 now and I’m not going alone. Steve tried to calm her down but Kate wasn’t having any of it. I got so mad and said, ‘fine your SO doesn’t have to go buy me dinner but you have to pay me back for my three meals’.
She asked Steve ‘Babe this witch is so petty asking for funds and she’s yelling at me for doing something so small, are you gonna let her talk to me like this?’
Steve got mad and told her ‘what am I supposed to do when it’s entirely your fault?’ Kate started crying when Steve didn’t support her.
She stormed out while screaming ‘I’M BREAKING UP WITH YOU’. Steve went after her and dropped her home and bought me dinner while coming back. I apologized to Steve for yelling and Steve told me that it was probably good for him that they had broken up. I was venting to my best friend and she told me to take a deep breath and told me ‘you broke up a relationship over a meal and when you put it like that you are the jerk here’.
So AITJ?
Edit: some people said it’s wrong to speak my language in front of her. I know it’s annoying but when someone’s angry they tend to yell in their own language because it’s easier. We rarely speak our language in front of her because we knew she would be left out.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You know, having it happen once is a true mistake, and she apologized for it. Having it happen twice is already a red flag because she should know by now. Ok, apologized again. Having it happen again the very next day is deliberate – she knew what she was doing. She knew you would be mad.
She thought it was ok because it would be her and Steve against you and she does not have to respect you. But that backfired on her.
You did not break them off. He did that. And why? Because he obviously saw that Kate was treating you without basic respect. Because Kate decided to call you names after he told her she was at fault.
Because she behaved the way she did and still thought she could treat you as lesser than her.
And certainly, he did not break up with her over a meal. He did break up with her because she was disrespecting you.” redsoxx1996
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Sure… if you take a reductive perspective held by the simple and vague you could say that you broke up a relationship over food.
Technically, that is true if only technically. The problem is that just because one is ‘technically correct’ it doesn’t mean they’re necessarily right.
You and your roomie probably see the bigger picture here. You asked this girl twice, politely, not to eat your food. You inscribed your name, and color-coded containers, after the first request to make sure there was no confusion on whose food was whose.
Steve even told her not to do that.
After these two polite rebuffs of her eating your food without even asking she still continued to do it, and when you got mad she copped a princess attitude of entitlement, condescension, and then incredulity. She was twisting the situation to be about how you were talking to her, and how you were not talking to her when it was about how she was essentially putting you out in the lurch for food and expecting you to cover the cost yourself and go out into sketchy town at 10:30 in the evening for dinner.
One might even be inclined to believe this was deliberate rivalry nonsense because you’re another woman in her partner’s apartment.
After all this and the tantrum she threw I could easily see Steve taking it all in and realizing that a woman with this kind of attitude was just not worth his time. Especially, when the relationship was only 3 months old and clearly was showing overt red flags.
So no, you’re not the jerk as Steve is clearly dodging a bullet, and maybe you should keep an eye on the friend who is incapable of seeing this as she might be of like mind to that ex.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She ate your food. Once could have been a misunderstanding. But she did it two more times.
She was clearly in the wrong. She tried to get your roommate involved. And SHE broke up with him.
Your roommate stood up for you. That’s exactly what should happen. (I mean, ideally what SHOULD happen is his SO should understand she doesn’t get to eat someone else’s food but that’s another issue).
Your belongings are yours, including your food.
His are his.
I can GUARANTEE that if your roommate had made dinner for the two of them, and his SO had come over and seen you eating her plate, she would have lost her mind.” Courin
13. AITJ For Not Paying For My Mom's Surgery?
“I (f23) was raised by 2 parents who believe that being a parent ends once the child turns 18. The moment I turned 18 I was forced to pay rent and all other costs associated with my survival if you will.
I ended up moving out until I graduated high school and moved into my college dorm. I and my parents have monthly contact but nothing deep or below surface level.
My mother has a mass that needs to be removed and I believe is cancerous. My parents have good health insurance but will still have significant out-of-pocket costs.
My father called me and told me that they needed help with finances, the whole ‘she’s your mother and would do the same for you’ talk. I did want to help but told him that I didn’t have the funds readily available, only in my savings so I didn’t end up contributing and they got a loan I believe.
Last week, my dog needed surgery to remove a foreign body she swallowed. It happened so fast that I ended up using a large chunk of my savings to pay for it. My father found out and called me awful names, and said I’d rather my mother die/be in debt and put an animal’s life over my own mother.
I didn’t agree and have been ignoring his calls since, but other family members are messaging me because they think I don’t care if my mother lives or dies.”
Another User Comments:
“So I can see why it might be perceived as you being a jerk here because your parents paid for the first 18 years of your life.
And many people perceive that as you being obligated to them forever.
But they seem to have stopped being your parents when you turned 18. They became ‘friends’ who you were related to. And that changes things.
Your mother got her surgery. They didn’t need your help. It was easier for them to get money from you than from the bank probably.
But they were able to get the funds for her surgery without you contributing.
Your dog needed the funds for the surgery. Your dog couldn’t get a loan. Your dog would have passed away. And you had made a commitment to your dog when you adopted him and you were honoring that commitment.
This isn’t about human life being more important than a dog’s life.
Because your mom’s life was not in jeopardy. She got the surgery. This is about you making choices as to what is a need and what is a want.
Yes, your mother needed surgery, but they wanted your money to pay for it. They didn’t need it.
So NTJ.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your dog was in a life-threatening situation and your mom wasn’t.
Your parents had no issues getting the $ elsewhere. Also, their lack of good health insurance isn’t your problem. If your mom had really needed the surgery immediately they would have been billed for their deductible and copay and could have paid in installments, payment upfront is usually reserved for elective procedures. It is very rare that medical providers won’t be willing to offer a payment plan if a procedure is medically necessary for the health of the patient.” 1976Raven
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
They say that they would do the same for you, but you don’t believe them. Even if they actually would give you the money for health reasons, you don’t believe them.
You need to tell them that – that their actions make you believe that they are/were asking for handouts that they wouldn’t give out themselves.
They are the ones that wanted this type of relationship – you have just respected their wishes.
In the future, there are companies that will help you create legally binding family loans. It wouldn’t hurt to keep that in your back pocket for when your parents ask again, because they are likely going to ask again.
I hope your dog is okay!” EmpressJainaSolo
12. AITJ For Saying My Dad Replaced Me?
“My (22F) partner’s birthday is coming up and I bought him concert tickets for his favorite band. We’re going to make a trip to it and do some sightseeing before the gig and then go home.
However, they tour on the same day as my mum’s birthday. My dad told me their plans and I said I can’t make it because of the gig and that they should go to the restaurant on their own and with my sister (4F). He got very angry with me and told me that I’m choosing to prioritize other people over family and that it was wrong etc. This went on for 10 minutes until I snapped and said that they may as well go without me because I got replaced with my sister and left the room.
My aunts and uncles are saying I should apologize and go to the dinner because it’s my mum’s birthday.
This is why I said what I did. I don’t feel like I was ever really a part of my family. As a child, I was raised by my aunts and uncles, and grandparents mostly.
It wasn’t my parent’s fault – they had work. But I hardly saw them, and they felt more like roommates to me than actual parents. When I asked them about it, they would immediately shut me down. Later, I overheard by accident that people felt sorry for me not being a regular kid (as I had to stay at home on my own as I became a teen and I wasn’t allowed to have my friends over) and I guess it’s just stuck in my head that everything was a pity party, even if it wasn’t.
Growing up has resulted in a lot of issues that I need therapy for which my parents wouldn’t give me as they deemed it pointless. When I turned 18, I was told my savings would be used not for my university but for my parents so they could stay jobless and raise my sister. Since her birth, there has not been a single day that they haven’t been by her side and they have a million photos of her and with her, which I have to pay a subscription for them to store on the cloud.
As a kid, my mum would hate having photos with me so I only have like 15 photos of us. I love my sister to bits, but it does hurt a little to see her whenever I occasionally come home.
I’ve been with my partner for about 2 years now. He makes effort to get to know how I’m feeling and mentally, he’s so good to me.
When we do argue, he won’t raise his voice and will ask me why I feel the way I do and try to understand – which is something my parents never did – and we resolve our issues really well. He also tells me he loves me and gives me lots of physical affection and shows me he cares about me.
My parents never did that and just expected me to read their minds. He is my best friend without a doubt.
I didn’t deliberately plan this trip to skip my mum’s birthday. It just so happened and because I love my partner, I wanted to do this with him. Also, in my head, it is night and day who I feel happier spending time with.
So, I don’t think I’m being a jerk here, but my dad does and so do my aunts and uncles. AITJ?
EDIT – My parents took my savings account from me. If I had access I would revoke theirs or transfer my savings to another account but they never gave me access nor the account details.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
And for heaven’s sake, cut your parents off financially. I’m not saying you have to go no contact with them if you don’t want to, but there’s absolutely no reason you should be giving them ANY financial support. They already stole your savings. That cloud subscription? Give them two weeks to start paying it.
Tell your aunts and uncles too, so they have the opportunity to subsidize the expense if they wish before anything disappears. Give a warning, follow through, and let them figure out their finances. You have your own life to live.” VictorianPlatypus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your mom is an adult and I’m sure she can spend a birthday without you.
You’re an adult and you’re allowed to have plans apart from your family relations. Sure it’s an unfortunate coincidence that the concert falls on your mom’s birthday, but she’ll survive that.
You snapped and got a bit rude, but after what you said that’s understandable. You’re not a jerk, just emotionally stirred up.
Your relationship with your parents seems rather unhealthy and to be honest, I would even reconsider if it’s good for your mental health.” SaikaTheCasual
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You don’t like being around your parents. They were incredibly neglectful and also financially abusive – they stole funds from you. With the way they treat your sister, you are seeing clear evidence that they are perfectly capable of being decent parents.
They just chose not to do that for you. And they continue to choose not to apologize or to repay you what they owe you or to do anything to indicate that they will ever treat you like you deserve.
I suggest you stop spending time with those thieves. They don’t deserve you.” mindful-bed-slug
11. AITJ For Not Shaving My Beard?
“Since October 2020, I (17 male) tried growing my f****l hair. I haven’t fully shaved my face, just parts of it to shape my beard and I trim it to keep it hygienic. I’ve been getting lots of compliments about it and I think I look good in it. My stepdad also has a beard but he shaves it around every 3 months (he shaves his face every day but leaves his chin for 3 months).
He says he doesn’t want it to get too long but he refuses to trim it. He always shaves it clean off.
This morning my stepdad noticed my beard and told me to follow him to the mirror. He checked and found out that my beard was longer than his. He got mad and flipped out and demanded I shave it off.
It surprised me since I’d had a good relationship with him. I like the way I look with my beard and he didn’t have a problem until he found out mine was longer. I refused to shave it and asked why. He said, ‘I’m the man of this house so I should be the only one with f****l hair.’ I, again, refused and he got even more annoyed and stormed out.
At around 4 pm my mom came in and called me a jerk for making my stepdad self-conscious and disrespecting him by not listening. She scolded me for 5 minutes then left to do whatever she does at 4 on a Saturday. I’m confused as to why he would get so worked up about hair but that’s beside the point.
So, AITJ for refusing to shave off my beard?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Stepdad’s feeling that his masculinity is threatened over another guy in the house having f****l hair is a really serious insecurity on his part. It’s not your job to cater to his insecurities. The real question is how miserable will this make your living situation and is the beard worth that?
It sucks that you have to make that decision, but that’s just part of the reality of being a teenager. Sorry your stepdad sucks.” Aggressive_Mood214
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’d think the ‘man of the house’ would be mature and secure in himself; instead, he is threatened by and threw a literal tantrum over a teenager’s beard, then sent your mom in to tell you how your big bad chin hairs hurt his feelings.
That must be a great beard if it can undermine a grown man’s masculinity and role in the home. I guess it’s time to get a briefcase and a job; you’re pops now.” murdocjones
10. AITJ For Saying I Won Therapy?
“I have a very good relationship with my ex-wife, and we are in each other’s lives.
We get along which is great. Over the 12 years I have known her, she has mentioned I may need therapy. She believes I do not deal with my emotions, and that I am pretending to be okay when I am not. Emotionally I would say I am kind of guarded, I register my emotions quickly, and good or bad I move on.
Each time she has brought this up, I have gone to a consultation/assessment to see if I need therapy. For me, these consultations/assessments have lasted around 3 hours. I get asked questions and I answer them truthfully. Here is the simple truth: 85%-95% of my days are good, I am happy or content, when I get mad it’s about 5 seconds of anger and I move on if I am sad or grieving it takes time but I manage it.
Each consultation/assessment (Three or four separate ones by different therapists) has ended with them saying I don’t need therapy. I recently made the joke to my ex that ‘I won therapy’ and she didn’t take it too well. I am not mocking therapy or the need for it, I recognize it as important. My ex-wife still insists that I have trauma I am not dealing with and need a therapist and that saying ‘I won therapy’ is a jerk thing to do, because it disregards her opinion and feelings.
I think that those consultations/assessments are done by serious people who know their business so if they thought I needed help they would recommend it.
Edit: I just want to be clear these are 3 or 4 Consultations/Assessments over the 12 years we have known one another. These were not back to back or one after the other.
Yes, my Ex is in Therapy. No, she isn’t projecting her issues onto me, her concern is that I am not dealing with my emotions when I just feel an emotion and move on I do not dwell on things.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she needs to quit pushing you for therapy. You’re answering truthfully and now more than one professional has said you do not need therapy.
In those evaluations, the therapist would have obviously asked if there is a trauma source and even talked about childhood to make sure there isn’t a hidden childhood trauma. Not everyone needs therapy and that’s okay! You did win therapy in my mind. Even if you did need it and went until there was a mutual agreement of no longer needing therapy, I still see it as a win.
It means you’ve overcome any trauma or unresolved inner problems, and have healthy coping mechanisms. I wouldn’t waste more time getting an eval unless something does happen where you do need therapy.” alexinhorror
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Her observations may have some validity, after all, she knows you pretty well, but here’s the thing – therapy is for people trying to work on problems. Even if you have some unresolved emotions clearly they aren’t causing you problems. So I can’t see why you’d need therapy either.
On the other hand, different people have very different ways of expressing their innermost selves. Some people are very demonstrative with their feelings and emotions and others are not, sometimes to the point of incompatibility. That doesn’t mean one style is better or another style is wrong, they’re just different. You might want to do some reading about communication styles, maybe you’re a perfect example of a style that just isn’t comfortable or compatible with hers.” wwolffstarr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You should disregard your ex’s feelings and opinions because they are not valid. I mean, you have 3-4 mental health professionals as proof that her feelings are not valid if they say you don’t need therapy. She is not a mental health professional and gaslighting you by insisting that you need therapy when an actual mental healthcare professional says you don’t is manipulative.
Just because you don’t deal with emotions in the way she thinks you should doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. It means there is something wrong with her. She’s not the standard by which others should be measured, so insisting that you need therapy, repeatedly, despite multiple experts concluding otherwise seems like gaslighting to me.” False-Guess
9. AITJ For Wanting To Have A Say On My Ex's Parenting?
“I (f25) have a 4-year-old daughter Sam with Adam (m29). We broke up while I was still pregnant and went through the courts to establish paternity, and for our custody agreement and child support.
Adam started going out with Mel (f28) 2 years ago and she does not like me. Before they started going out, Adam paid more than the legally agreed amount of child support until Mel found out and took this as him still being in love with me, so he stopped. I also used to have a good relationship with Adam’s parents and they’d often come over to see Sam, but Mel didn’t like that so Adam told us to ‘do it behind his back’.
Recently, Sam came back after seeing her dad and told me that both Adam and Mel were referring to Mel as Sam’s mother e.g. When asking Adam something, he told Sam to ‘ask her mom’. I didn’t feel comfortable with this, especially as it was Adam and Mel initiating this, not Sam. I called Adam to try and sort this out and told him I was uncomfortable with them saying that anyone other than myself was Sam’s mother.
Adam told me that he and Mel had just gotten engaged and that she’d be Sam’s mother soon once they get married, so wanted her to get used to it now so it was a smooth transition. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with this but he told me that when Sam was with him, I didn’t get a say in his parenting and it was his decision.
Mel later sent me a text about how much she is looking forward to becoming Sam’s mother and how we’d need to catch up to discuss parenting decisions from this point onwards. I left her on read.
Update: I have emailed my lawyer and he also agrees this is a sign of parent alienation and is something that is unfortunately quite common in situations like these.
He will be sending a formal letter to Adam outlining our parental rights and also addressing this situation.
More Information: Adam has Sam every fortnight over the weekend. Before Mel, he used to see her more often throughout the week but that stopped around a year ago. I have been worried about them challenging the custody agreement, especially as a single mother, but my mother is Sam’s most prominent carer after me and looks after her while I’m at school.
I’m not ungrateful to be receiving less child support, it was only mentioned as I moved to NYC because Adam was going to school there and wanted to be a part of her life. It’s more costly to live here, but my parents are extremely supportive and I currently live with them.”
Another User Comments:
“This is worrying.
Contact your lawyer, OP. Tell him about the problems that have arisen since Mel entered the picture, re Sam seeing her grandparents, etc. Get any custody arrangement/order ‘updated’ now that your ex is getting married. Use that as the reason. Make sure it makes explicit that parenting decisions are made by you and your ex.
That Sam only calls you and your ex Mom and Dad. Look ahead to the future and hammer out stuff e.g holidays out of state need your permission. Medical treatment only under your permission. Only you or your ex can pick up Sam from school, etc.
Get that stuff locked down now because I foresee trouble ahead.
Start documenting everything. make sure to put key stuff in texts and/or emails. Mel wants you out of the picture, sole custody to your ex, or relegated to sub-mom status, with her calling the shots regarding your child. Leave her on ‘read’. No co-parenting chats with her.
NTJ.” Successful_Dot2813
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – this is the start of parental alienation by Adam and his fiancée.
I am guessing that she is demanding it as a way to push you further out of Adam’s life by alienating you from your child.
The fact that Adam is going along with this is very troubling. He is willing to confuse and alienate his child from her mother (you) to keep his relationship with his fiancée.
He is putting his fiancée’s desires ahead of his own child’s needs. His child already has a mother, there is only one person in that role. The fact that she wants to discuss parenting is troubling too. She doesn’t get a say as she isn’t your child’s legal guardian.
What happens when your child says no, Mom (you) doesn’t want me to do that, and Mel flips and says I am your mother… OMG, your child will be in therapy for the rest of her life trying to resolve these issues… This is toxic!
You need to get with your lawyer as soon as possible.” Buttercup303
Another User Comments:
“Ex- Stepmom here. When I took on two stepkids at the ages of 4 and 5 I had a sit-down conversation with them and my (ex) husband and described what was going to be happening and what I would mean/be to them. We both asked the kiddos what they felt comfortable calling me and let them go with it.
I work in child development/mental health/therapy so I’m used to responding to all kinds of names so long as the kiddo is directing the call toward me.
As a biological mom myself, I can also understand the heartbreak of having your baby call someone else mom.
I suggest talking first to your ex, letting him know ‘hey this makes me uncomfortable, can we talk about this?’ Then having a sit down with all three of you and asking your kiddo what SHE wants to call her stepmom as a term of endearment.
Remember, this woman is going to be helping you raise your baby when you can’t so having a good flow of communication with her is always what’s best for the Little one – as long as she remembers that she’s not a replacement parent but a bonus parent.” Behavior_Analyzer
8. AITJ For Telling My Wife To Shut Up?
“My (M28) sister (F16) was diagnosed with cancer in 2021 and treatment has been hard on her, she’s the shy type and can be incredibly insecure and lack confidence about her looks.
Any remark, no matter how small would get to her and affect her right away.
It’s been a while since I’ve seen her and the other day I was face timing her and my parents to check on her. My wife joined us and sat next to me without taking her eyes off my sister.
Note my wife is a makeup artist and tends to make plenty of assumptions about other women’s faces which isn’t a cool thing. But anyway, my wife started talking to my sister about whether or not she started caring for her skin and my sister said she recently started a ‘clean & clear’ lotion to improve her look but my wife chuckled and said that clearly, this product isn’t working because she (my sister) still looked like a cancer patient even though she’s recovered.
I was stunned and so were my parents, my sister immediately got up and left the room. I looked at my wife and told her what she said was messed up and that she should shut up with her nonsense remarks because she just insulted and hurt my sister. She started backpedaling saying she was just giving her opinion and the fight started. My parents hung up and my wife flipped out saying I humiliated her by telling her to shut up in front of my parents and claimed I had no respect for her to speak to her like that.
I told her what she said made my sister cry knowing that she’s been through a lot and can be very insecure about her self-image but my wife argued that she’s being too sensitive and she was again… just giving her opinion and giving her advice in terms of skincare.
I stormed off leaving her yelling about what a jerk I was to speak to her this way and ruin the respect my parents had for her.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wife is the worst kind of bottom dweller. So…
Unless anyone has gone through cancer treatment or a life-threatening illness as a child or teen, it is impossible for them to understand what that does to their lives and emotional health.
Any unsolicited opinion like that said in front of others where it can embarrass is 100% a jerk move regardless of the cancer part of this.
Your sister is a teen so already struggling with confidence issues.
Pretty sure she lost absolutely any respect your parents had for her when she opened her mouth and made that comment so for her to keep saying that to you is kind of absurd and shows how absolutely out of touch with reality she is.
I’m sure she’s shown signs of being shallow and only concerned with appearances before because there is no way this is the first jerk statement she’s made. It’s way too much jerkiness for her not to have shown signs before.
Personally, if this was me I’d get a divorce attorney.
Sorry… Kids who’ve battled something like this are my heroes.
This just got me so angry reading it, I had to full-on rant.” Mo-Makes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. We are all extremely disturbed that your wife is so insecure and mean to think it was okay to bash a child (or anyone else for that matter). Your wife needs a reality check and needs to be left to herself to look inwards at how she’s capable of having this toxic way of thinking.
May she have some redeemable qualities besides beauty, since I imagine beauty to her is defined by the standards of the superficial and that fades with age.
My jaw and heart dropped for your sister. I have been ill most of my life and it’s been hard to feel like I can’t keep up with these beauty standards… my heart goes out to your sister.
Please please stop exposing your sister to someone like this.” mrmeowmeowington
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She complains you have no respect for her, but what exactly is supposed to be respectable about her? She wasn’t giving advice and no one asked her opinion – she just wanted to knock someone down – and a kid no less!
There was no need for any remark at all, and then she didn’t even have the sense to apologize and had the nerve to instead blame you like it’s somehow your fault she acts shamefully. You didn’t embarrass her, she is the embarrassment. Honestly, bad enough what she said to the kid, and then she throws a tantrum and insults you for calling her out?
Insane. Utterly insane. And apparently, you are free to tell her that, since that’s just ‘giving your opinion,’ right?
Open your eyes. This is who she really is. You are married to the kind of person who not only mocks others for absolutely no reason, not only mocks children but mocks children with cancer.
And the way she threw a tantrum when called out rather than being mortified and apologetic for her own words tells you it wasn’t some accidental, foot-in-mouth moment, but an entirely intentional attack she believed she would and should get away with. Is this really the sort of person you want in your life? More than that, is that someone you want in your sister’s life?” Maskydoo
7. AITJ For Asking My Mom To Stop Treating Us Like A Burden?
“My mom is always reminding me (14f) and my siblings (10 and 12) that she financially supports us. She constantly is throwing it in our faces and using it as an excuse to just be mean all the time.
The other day she came home from grocery shopping and my youngest brother asked her if she had remembered to pick him up something he had asked for. She had forgotten it but instead of just saying that she started screaming at the top of her lungs about how ungrateful he was and how much of a brat he is.
Like she could have just said ‘sorry I forgot.’ My little brother wasn’t even mad or upset until she started yelling and making him cry.
And it isn’t just stuff like that either. We all do chores around the house, but like if my mom is upstairs in her room and she can’t find the remote she will call all of us up there to look for it for her even though she was the one who lost it.
We aren’t allowed to watch TV in her room so we literally have no idea, and again if we complain it’s all about how she puts a roof over our heads and food in our mouths.
I’ve always been grateful but I don’t understand why she feels the need to keep reminding us like we’re the worst kids ever.
The other day I was really tired from school and I had a bad headache. I told my mom I had a headache and asked if I could be excused from doing the dishes that night because I wanted to lie down. She immediately started yelling about how I should think about how she feels and how she goes to work and works all day and has a reason to be tired and don’t I think she wants to lay down sometimes too?
I told her to stop, and that I was grateful for everything she does, but also if she didn’t feed and house us we’d get carted away by the government and also she chose to have us and it isn’t fair to keep reminding us that we’re burdens.
Now I’m grounded.
Edit: no my dad isn’t in the picture.
I did go talk to a counselor today, and they called to talk to my mom about it but it didn’t help anything. My mom is furious and turned off my cell service and said I won’t get it back for a month, she also took my actual phone for the next 2 weeks. I’m having to borrow my brother’s phone to even update this.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honestly, it sounds like your mom has some emotional problems that she needs to see a therapist to deal with. No parent should ever tell their 14, 12, and 10-year-olds that they should be grateful that she financially supports them and puts food on their table. Especially not screamed. That’s a conversation that you have with a 30-year-old leech that doesn’t work and won’t move out or pay rent.
The fact that kids your age have to say that you’re grateful for the roof over their heads and the food on the table makes my stomach turn. Not to mention not letting you take a rest when you weren’t feeling well. Is she a single mom, and is dad in the picture at all?
What about other relatives? Any relatives that you can talk to about it, or any other adults in your life? If you are in the US, you probably aren’t doing school remotely right now, so you would have the option of talking to school staff, but if you are doing online schooling, can you reach school staff that way?
This is NOT all right and someone needs to be told about it.” korli74
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That’s emotional mistreatment, although she probably doesn’t realize it. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. Is there anyone you can talk to? Does your school have any therapy-type counseling, or maybe a teacher or some other adult that you could talk to?
It sounds like you could really use some support and some help with coping skills because right now you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place, and it’s certainly not your fault.
Sounds like your mom feels overwhelmed and resentful about being a single working parent, but again, not your fault, lots of single parents work and care for their kids.
It sounds like you are pretty level-headed, and while you are right in the things you said clearly your mom isn’t listening. Sending you a big hug.” wwolffstarr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for feeling frustrated. However, does your mom have any support network such as family or friends? Is your father around at all to help financially or in any other way in regard to parenting?
Yes, your mom should be doing the absolute bare minimum in regard to feeding, housing, and clothing for her children. I will say this though, three kids with only one adult in charge is a handful. I really hope your mom gets help and if she doesn’t that she seeks out the help she so desperately needs.
Parenting is not easy on the best of days but she should not be making her kids feel like burdens. Dad needs to step up! Where is dad? Gone with the wind? Missing in action? Too convenient for dads to bail when kids need their dads.” Top_Signature6806
6. AITJ For Making An Offensive Joke?
“My partner and I make sexist jokes to each other all the time.
I would ask her to come to help me move something and she’ll be like ‘heavy lifting? Oh no that’s a man’s job. I’ll be over here washing dishes.’ Or she’ll be cooking pasta and ask me to come to dump the pasta and water into the colander and I’ll say ‘Nah, that requires me to come in the kitchen.
That’s the women’s area.’ BUT we say it as a joke and the joke is always said while we are in the process of going to help. We say it more as a way of making fun of the people who actually think that way. It’s weird humor and I know not everyone will see it that way, but we think it’s funny.
Anyways, to the actual story.
So my sister came to visit us for a bit of a delayed New Year’s hangout. We were all in the kitchen and I was helping my partner get the food together when I dropped one of the plates. My partner said, ‘oh this is why we never invite you, dumb men, into the kitchen, you’re always breaking things.
This is why you need to stay in the garage’. So I responded with ‘well I may be a big dumb man, but at least I’ve always been able to vote!’
Now I know my partner, and I didn’t believe she was angry, and I even asked her later and she confirmed that.
My sister, on the other hand, was livid at the comment I made. She said it was inappropriate and misogynistic and just downright mean. Even if it was a joke, it makes light of all of the struggles that women have gone through. We apologized and said it was just our way of joking around and we didn’t mean it.
It was dropped after that but the rest of the night was just kinda awkward.
My partner said maybe we should cut those jokes out when we are around other people so as not to offend anyone. I agreed but I thought my sister would know me well enough to know I’m joking. So AITJ for making a joke to my partner?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
You did the most important thing when a joke gets taken the wrong way. You apologized.
Your partner is right though, you should be careful who you make those jokes around. An important part of any joke is knowing the ‘audience’ and taking them into account. Also, it’s important to remember some jokes are ‘in jokes’ that only work because both you and your partner are in on them.
Without the context of what’s funny to you two about it, it is much less likely to be funny to others.” Dreams-in-the-Rain
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The way you and your partner use the jokes and the context makes it obvious that you are aware of the history and almost makes it an odd sort of social commentary.
I guess, just to keep the peace you could be aware of your surroundings to avoid joking in such a way that people who aren’t aware of the context don’t assume the worst of you and your partner, however, your sister is someone close enough and who you have enough time to explain yourselves, so she should honestly just chill.” Myomorph
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. But lightly.
I get that this is a way you and your partner joke. But most people who make jokes like this ARE reinforcing sexism. Systemic sexism in the US is almost as foundational and insidious as systemic racism. It is a very privileged place to make light of something that has harmed so many.
The jokes aren’t making fun of people who actually feel that way, even if that’s how you and your partner mean it. That’s why your sister got mad. Jokes like this perpetuate the issue because they make light of terrible things.
You should def stop doing this in front of other people but I would argue you should stop entirely.
There’s some reading out there you can do that explains the pyramid of system issues and how jokes are the foundation on which more awful stuff is built.
I don’t think you need to grovel for forgiveness or anything. But I do think you and your partner may want to rethink this type of joke.” MistressOfNecropolis
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Even if your sister didn’t already know you, it should have been clear from the context – while working together, your partner, made a sexist comment, and you responded in kind (while continuing to work alongside each other the whole time).
What your sister saw as making light of a historical situation to the detriment of the issue, many other people would see joking about the idiocy of the past as a way to escape it and ensure it doesn’t repeat.
You may want to self-regulate to some degree as there is a time and place for all honor, but I don’t see you as having done anything wrong here.” nrsys
5. AITJ For Wanting To Hire A Butler?
“I haven’t always been rich. My parents couldn’t even afford a phone when I was a kid (had to walk a 1/2-mile to the phone box to make phone calls).
So, after having worked really b****y hard in my life, I now have enough funds that I can purchase most of what I want… and I want a butler.
Preferably, a live-in Butler.
We want somebody that is able to manage the household, greet guests, carry out basic cooking, and clean. They will also be managing a cleaner a couple of times per week, and a personal chef on the weekends.
I have spoken to several butler agencies, and I am looking at about £70k a year, plus food and accommodation, to get myself a butler.
So, all-in, I am looking at about £92k a year, bearing in mind I won’t be able to rent out the cottage on our grounds since the butler will live there.
My wife argues that this is too expensive when we can do the work ourselves. However, we can afford it.
My argument is that I worked hard to get where I am, so I should be able to take a little bit of a break.
Her argument is that I shouldn’t own a 12-bedroom house if I can’t manage it myself.
So, we are pretty much stuck in an argument.
I want a butler. She doesn’t.
AITJ for wanting a butler?
I mean, the one I have my eye on has worked for the royals, worked in the Middle East, and regularly butlers on private boats.
£70k would be an absolute steal.
I just think it would make my life easier, my wife’s life easier, and result in somebody being employed.
Edit: I sold several apps for a few million quid, and I run a content network.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
Both your reasons are valid.
Could you meet in the middle, so maybe just try 6 months and see how it goes?
Or try part-time instead of full as if you both work and have no children I can’t see someone being needed full-time to cook and greet guests if you’re both at work. How messy could the house really get? I mean I get a large house that takes more time cleaning but if you have a cleaner too and cook and don’t have a ton of kids running around yet… I can kind of see why your wife is aghast at the idea of spending almost 100k for basically someone the majority of the time having nothing to do.
It could be invested and generate income for your retirement if you so wished.
Ultimately it’s your money you’ve worked very hard for and this is something you want, but if it’s causing disagreements between you and your partner then a solution must be made or begrudging and resentful feelings towards each other over the situation can manifest.
My advice would be to try to offer to meet in the middle with her, part-time butler for when you’re both home rather than full-time or 6 months trial rather than jumping straight into a 12-month contract of having another person live with you (granted they have their own cottage but they’d still be in the main home a lot) and then see if she’s willing to meet in the middle too about it.
Good luck and well done for achieving so much.” totallythrownawaay
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your wife’s sole objection is the cost, assure her that you have sufficient savings so a downturn won’t ruin you. Yes, it’s an expense but everything is relative. He is living in the cottage so he’d only be in your house during ‘public’ hours, for lack of a better term, but you did not say her objection was having a stranger in the house.
‘Her argument is that I shouldn’t own a 12-bedroom house if I can’t manage it myself.’
Interesting phrasing. Does she expect you to manage it all by yourself, or does she help? How much time does this take from your ability to work and earn funds and leisure time with her? I would think if you can afford a 12-bedroom house, you can afford the staff to manage it.
‘when we can do the work ourselves.’
How much does each of you do? A house that size sounds like a lot of work. Do you have any housekeeping staff?
Lastly, if you earned all the funds for his salary, is it her call? (again, the sole objection being the cost, not a stranger in the house during the day) Many couples have separate funds.
How you spend your excess should be your business, not hers.” ohsogreen
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, but the fact that you’re rich enough to be willing to spend 100K per year on a non-essential employee makes it really weird that you feel the need to ask strangers if you should go through with it.
How have you scaled up your lifestyle so far as you went from basically nothing to a 12-bedroom house? Do you already pay for house cleaners and a chef, or are you also adding them at the same time? If your wife thinks you should be able to manage it all yourselves, does that mean that there currently is no cleaner and you’re looking to add 3 new positions to your house?
That’s a lot of money and people working for you all of a sudden.
What do your peers do, like other people you know who make a similar salary and have similar houses? You’d probably be better off asking them for advice than random strangers (not that we aren’t awesome). Maybe they can talk with your and your wife to explain the advantages and help convince her.
Or maybe they have recommendations for butlers who can work with new households, or they’ll tell you that you really need some other position instead.
Especially since you are looking at a butler that has worked with royals! Would it not be better to hire a butler with standard experience than splurging on the most luxe service available?
I bet your wife would prefer trying out a live-out butler who isn’t charging royals prices, and maybe it’s amazing and your life really requires it, then go for the royal butler. Or do a short-term contract to see if both of you like it. But then if your life is that high-end, I don’t think you should be making a decision through the internet, it’s really weird.” Lumoseyne
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I don’t believe you are a jerk for wanting to make your life easier. However, you still have to live with your wife. If you own a 12-room estate with a spare residence it seems the property may have been designed for a butler. Maybe focus on how this will make the wife’s life easier/better and just because you could theoretically do the work doesn’t mean you necessarily should have to.” Meat_Dragon
4. AITJ For Not Wanting My Mother-In-Law At My Daughter's Birthday?
“When I was going out with my now-husband his mom didn’t seem to like me and we had a couple of issues, which I’d say had to do with her not handling change well or us just being very different people and struggling to understand each other, but the relationship wasn’t awful.
When we got engaged she rolled her eyes and made snarky comments, but she did offer to pay. She had quite a bit of money so we didn’t think anything of it, and accepted. She was kind of rude during wedding planning, but I didn’t think much of it, then she walked out of the wedding dress shopping, pulled all her money out of the wedding, and stopped speaking to us.
To be clear nothing happened. She just stood up and walked out. The only minor explanation I got was from her sister who said ‘she just feels like it is never about her and she is sick of paying for other people to have things’.
I didn’t get it at all. It wasn’t about her, and she didn’t have to pay, she offered. My husband tried to contact her but she was adamant that she wanted no contact.
He let it go and we didn’t see her for ten years, then ran into her somewhere and they reconnected. She is married now, he has two sisters he’s never met, and we have three kids she’s never met.
My husband wanted a relationship with her and MIL was open to it. He met with her a couple of times and she never gave any explanation for ghosting us beyond the relationship ‘wasn’t working for her’ and that she was sick of doing things for other people, but besides paying, which she OFFERED, she never did anything for anyone.
I have no respect for her, but I’m fine with my husband wanting a relationship.
I had dinner with her and her husband once and she showed absolutely zero remorse. The issue is my husband invited her to our daughter’s birthday without consulting me. He admits he got carried away and never should have done that but would like her to come and bring her two kids.
I am not comfortable at all with this. I don’t want her to meet my kids. I don’t think a birthday party is an appropriate place. Had she shown some remorse I would feel differently.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and the husband definitely was in the wrong to invite the mom to the party. But I almost can’t blame him because what a messed up thing to go through!
‘The relationship just wasn’t working out for me’ is something you say about somebody you just ghosted after two weeks of being together (and even then you’d be the jerk) — not your own kid!” djlindee
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
MIL should have come to you both to discuss why she felt so used during the wedding planning.
Just going no contact for 10 years was extreme and made her the jerk.
But, she’s clearly put whatever upset her behind her and is trying to repair things now.
You’re holding on to it and not allowing your husband to truly reconnect with his mother. That makes you the jerk now. Nothing she did hurt your children, and your husband is an adult who can make his own choices.
While your husband may cave to you now, you’re putting him in an impossible spot. He clearly wants to build his relationship back up with his mother, and he will begin to resent you if you don’t allow him to do so.” AgitatedTea9249
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your husband should have discussed with you his desire to have his mother meet your shared children before inviting her.
He not only neglected how you might feel but also how your shared children might feel. He should roll back his invite and you should discuss how to move forward together. If you’re not comfortable with her being around them at all, you should express that but be prepared for him to be upset by it.
If your desire for no contact is because you’re attempting to protect your children from forming an attachment to someone who is likely to disappear again, he should hear you out. If you find that you’re okay with them meeting, plan a different outing specifically for the introduction.” jetfuel_o
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your husband shouldn’t have invited her without first discussing it with you.
You, on the other hand, need to find a workable compromise with your husband and MIL. It is your husband’s mother and he is entitled to a relationship with her. It is also his daughter’s birthday and he is entitled to have his family there.
You can’t just decide who is and who isn’t in your children’s life. Your husband has a say in that.
Find a way forward that works for you both.” OK_LK
3. AITJ For Laughing At My Husband's Reason For Not Getting A Dog?
“I (f28) have always wanted a dog. I and my husband Tim (m31) were planning on getting one in 2020 but I ended up having a baby so it was pushed back. Our daughter is now 1 and we started discussing getting a dog again. I grew up with a dog and it was an amazing part of my childhood that I wanted our daughter to have.
My husband agreed for me to start looking, so I did. I ended up finding a dog that seemed to have a great personality and seemed like it was meant to be so I emailed an application. It was approved, we went as a family for a meet and greet, and loved the dog. The rescue requires a 72-hour waiting period but since we went on Thursday, they said we could come down on Monday to sign the paperwork and take home the dog.
I took my daughter and we spent the day buying everything the dog would need, this occurred on Friday but Tim didn’t come because he was working but was fine with us doing it without him. When we got back and showed him everything we got, he wasn’t visibly excited. I asked what was wrong later on and he told me he changed his mind about getting a dog.
I was confused and annoyed as we’d discussed getting a dog back in September and I’d been looking since then, so in my mind, he’d had since then to tell me he changed his mind. I was also annoyed because I felt like we’d just wasted this rescue’s time on us when they could’ve spent it on other people who actually wanted to adopt the dog.
I asked why and he told me he didn’t want us to change our lifestyle, and that with a dog we would never get to travel anywhere. Honestly, when I heard that, I started laughing, which he got upset with. I sarcastically said ‘you’re right, there’s absolutely nothing else that is preventing us from traveling’.
He told me kids are different and that we could take her and if we didn’t want to, our parents have both offered to look after her. I told him that my parents had made that same offer about the dog (I spoke to them when I applied and they offered, this he knows) and if this is the real reason he doesn’t want a dog.
He said he’d love a dog but it’s a lifestyle conflict, and that he didn’t want to force other people to look after a dog so we’d be forced to never go anywhere. I told him that if he didn’t want to burden our family, there was a family-run business down the road that does grooming, dog daycare, and boarding we could use or get a pet sitter.
He told me that doing that costs money and I replied that if we could afford to go on vacation, we could afford it. He asked me with what money I would use to pay this for as he wasn’t going to use his. He kinda paused after this and tried to apologize immediately and said he was only angry and reactive because I mocked him earlier in the conversation.
I told him I was going to bed and left. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I agree with a lot of others here, this isn’t about the dog. Maybe he is protecting his feelings about the baby? Is he upset that you have had less time for him since the baby and realized the dog would take even more of your time?
Does he resent that you aren’t working and sees the dog as another drain on his resources? Does he think the baby is bonding more with you because you are there and thinks the dog will do the same? Is he already overwhelmed but doesn’t want to admit it?
Apologize for laughing in a calm moment and explain that you two had discussed travel and that you already had a free and willing option so that being the objection surprised you.
Then ask him what the real problem is. Be open and willing to listen, you may learn a lot about how he is adjusting to parenthood and any struggles he has been too ashamed to admit to before. It can be very hard to admit that you are struggling, especially with something that is supposed to be instinctual like parenthood.” BenjaminaPugsington
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – your husband is saying he’s worried about travel but there’s definitely more to it. Adding a new baby to the household must have changed things a lot (responsibilities, intimacy, spontaneity), my guess is he feels like you both finally have a routine again and he’s worried about upsetting that by adding a dog.
I would be super annoyed too if I put in that much effort only to have him back out with an absurd reason. But it’s especially hard for some men to say ‘I’m scared’ so instead they focus on the wrong thing.
When everyone is calm, sit down and discuss. When he says he’s worried about travel, tell him you have a solution and you will take the responsibility for arranging pet sitters when you travel.
Ask what else are you worried about. Because there’s more. You may not be able to alleviate all his concerns but you can help facilitate a more productive conversation. Good luck.” Infamous_Aardvark_13
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Yes, your husband’s excuses may be ridiculous, but mocking and laughing at your husband’s reasons plus giving him the cold shoulder instead of trying to talk it out with him makes you the jerk.
Your husband could be making up excuses. If so, he’s not doing it for literally no reason. A dog in the home is a huge change, and even if your husband just isn’t comfortable with it, it’s a joint decision to add that new member of your family and you need to respect that. Maybe instead of being belittled, you should talk to him about the real reasons and his genuine feelings behind him not wanting a dog.
There could be millions of things you have no idea about. He could have past dog-related trauma. Maybe he’s afraid of dogs. Maybe he’s been overly stressed and doesn’t feel like he can handle it right now.
You’re not the jerk for finding his reasoning ridiculous, but for the way you responded to him. It’s really not hard to not be a jerk to your partner, and if he reacted that way to you when you gave some excuse for a greater reason you didn’t really want to talk about you’d probably be very upset.” volchya
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. There aren’t ‘valid reasons’ to own or not own an Animal. Not wanting to own one is a valid reason, period. Would you rather your husband have kept his mouth shut and not told you he changed his mind, then taken out his bottled-up feelings on you, the baby, or the dog later?
Would you rather co-own an animal with someone who truly doesn’t want it? Because that’s selfish and it doesn’t make you a good pet owner.
Doggy daycare is expensive and can reach into the hundreds or even thousands – that’s the difference between a $2,000 vacation and a $4,000 vacation. He may not be comfortable with letting a petsitter hired off the internet into the home.
While traveling with a child is difficult, you can generally bring them to hotels, restaurants, and outings – not so with pets.
So, you suck because you’re dismissing his feelings, and mocking somebody during a disagreement is immature. I’m sure if you brought up concerns to your husband and he mocked you or laughed at you, you wouldn’t be very happy either.
However, he sucks because if he wasn’t on board 100% he should have expressed that to you earlier, not after you got involved with the rescue agency.” NoMasterpiece6112
2. AITJ For Not Offering Our Bed To My Visiting In-Laws?
“My husband (28M) and I (24F) moved to Hawaii in September as his next duty station. Every family member on both sides is going to be taking advantage of this and they’re visiting us (SOON).
My side of the family regardless will be going to a hotel because they love to go all out on vacations (my dad is a many years-long Hilton member. Gotta use points. I grew up in a family of 6 including myself). My husband doesn’t get along with a few members of my family.
Here in Hawaii, it’s extremely expensive to do anything.
All family saved up to visit.
On the other hand, my MIL and FIL asked to stay with my husband and me at our 2 bed, 1 bath, 664 sqft home to save funds. The second bedroom is our ‘Movie’ room. They are also a bit on the ‘larger’ end. Our house is really small.
We were hesitant because they asked if they could stay a couple of weeks… I love them, but they can be very difficult.
My MIL especially. She can be very clingy and controlling. My husband can’t handle his parents for two weeks in our home either.
We love our privacy and it just being the two of us. We are very quiet people and don’t really like having people over (family is okay, but we are limited because both sides of the family can be too much most of the time.
Our patience becomes thinned quickly).
On the phone call with his parents, my husband told them they could use our bed since his dad has issues with his back and knees. Tbh he would have a hard time with our bed since it sits so high off the ground. Getting up and off is already a struggle for him.
This didn’t sit well with me because this was OUR bed. This is an intimate place and our most private area with our clothes, and other deeper personal things. I didn’t say anything at first and I had forgotten about this up until now. I only remembered because my family will be visiting in Feb.
I’m okay with my mom and sister staying because they are fine with the pull-out couch we have (they prefer the hotel anyways, but like staying a night. Plus the other half of my family are all allergic to cats). My husband’s parents are different and have more medical issues.
Told husband today that I really wasn’t okay with this because it felt invasive.
He said to me ‘Okay if you’re not comfortable with it we can tell them.’ He was really understanding about it and told me that setting boundaries was good.
The problem now is that I feel like a jerk. I feel this way because I know they have some medical problems. I really feel uncomfortable having others sleep in our bed. Family or not.
It feels so wrong. I don’t know how my MIL and FIL will react after being told they could use it and that I was the one that didn’t want them to.
Am I the jerk for refusing to give up our bed to his parents knowing their problems?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
However, I am curious how long between the initial invitation and your realization. You should have said something to your SO then and there. And HE should have discussed that with you before offering them anything but that’s not the matter of this story.
It’s your house, your bed, and your family needs to understand that you want and need your space.
If they want to visit; then they need to get hotels. I MIGHT give a ruling of YTJ if the timing was something like you waited 6 months to say anything to the guy and the parents were arriving a week or two away. Then you’d be putting them in a very inconvenient and expensive situation if they can’t get accommodations.
You might just have to deal with it then. But I dunno. Just something you guys are going to have to work out together if you are going to live here and parents plan on visiting so frequently.” Sweet_Charming82
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This isn’t just any family. It’s his parents. The people who made alllllllll kinds of sacrifices to raise him and guide him into becoming the man you love.
I agree two weeks is a long time, and I would not impose myself for so long onto someone’s life. But these are the closest relatives he has. The ones it makes sense to go out of your way to accommodate. Let them stay in your room, put a nice mattress in the movie room for yourselves, and maybe you and your husband can get a hotel for a weekend as a break/romantic getaway, or a room in the basement for a couple of nights to keep your sanity.
It’s only once, it’s only two weeks, and you can then use this experience as an excuse to deny your apartment to extended family for the rest of your tour.” Wader_Man
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and your husband should never have offered your bed without speaking with you first. Considering how you described your in-laws, they would be more comfortable in a different sleeping situation.
It is very expensive in Hawaii, but start doing some research and give them options. You can perhaps host most meals so that it would cut down on the dining out.
Also, your husband made you the bad guy. He said yes to his parents when you both know their extended presence stresses him out, he had to have a clue that offering up your bed was a bad idea, and certainly how he quickly flipped to agreeing with you that it was a bad idea and ‘we’ will call and let them know implying you said no. You two need to work on how to handle his parents like adults.
Also, as another mentioned setting expectations about visits will help you guys be on the same page. Last, no one should be staying with you in a tiny apartment for weeks!
There’s a saying in my family, house guests are like fish, after three days things go bad.” Cappa_Cail
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
The husband should have checked with you first. But also what is this utter romanticizing of a bed by everyone? Yeah, it’s special, I get it. But parents are special, too. In my family/culture, every person I know would at the very least offer the most comfortable room/bed in the house to their parents, ESPECIALLY if they had medical issues.
If your kid has a nightmare and wants to spend the night in your bed, are you gonna kick them out because the bed is an intimate place for just you and your husband?
A bed can be special, but at the end of the day, it’s… a bed. Replace the bedsheets with guest sheets, not a big deal. It also kinda sounds like the bigger issue is the fact that you guys don’t want them in the house, period.” Kiwiii_nights
1. AITJ For Not Rearranging My Furniture?
“I (23 M) have a blind cat, Hopper. Most of her movement is based on habit and smell. I try not to move things around too much for this reason.
My partner, Zoey (22f), of 2 years wants to move into my apartment with me to save funds and move our relationship further. I’m totally happy with this and we started planning her move-in and she asked that I get rid of some furniture, and I said that was fine.
Zoey started talking about rearranging the living room and the bedroom and I told her we could absolutely get new furniture but we wouldn’t be moving anything around. She asked why and I told her I wasn’t gonna risk Hopper getting hurt or disoriented – especially when there’s no need for it.
She said I can’t live my life around Hopper and that I’d have to eventually move things around.
She asked what I planned to do when I wanted a house and I told her that was way different than rearranging the home she’d lived in since she was born. She suggested we get a special collar and I’m wary about it. She called me stubborn and doesn’t want to talk about anything to do with moving in anymore.
I feel awful about the whole thing and am questioning if I was being a bit too stubborn about this.
I asked Zoey if we could talk. We all had a talk – Zoey, Hopper, and me, and we’ve decided to take things slowly. We’ll move things around gradually and look into the collar for Hopper.
I love both of my girls so much and I’m anxious about the whole thing still but I have a bit of a clearer head about everything.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Cats are very adept at planning out spaces and using their other senses. It is very kind of you to not want to disrupt Hopper’s routine.
She would likely notice any change immediately and tread carefully until she’s ‘re-mapped’ her home.
Compromise is key though, so I’m thinking of things that might help this work best. Could you map out furniture ideas with tape ahead of time, so you only have to move everything once? AKA only one shift for the cat as opposed to moving, seeing how it looks, adjusting, moving it again, etc.
I’d also suggest doing one room at a time. Perhaps start with the room Hopper uses the least, and judge based on that stress/navigation bumps.
For some people, home decor affects their mood a lot, and how much they feel at home. I have a hard time feeling secure or relaxed in places that feel like I’m visiting someone else’s house (just me but thought I’d share).
Maybe ask your SO about the importance of rearranging. It may represent merging your two separate homes into one, or it may be something as simple as her furniture ‘matches better’ or has more storage.
If you’re planning on staying there more than say, six months, I’d merge the furniture and rearrange. But if you’re moving her in just for a bit until finding a different place (did this with my husband) then it might be better to wait.
Only if you’re moving soonish though.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You are being incredibly stubborn. It really sounds like you don’t want to live with your partner, and perhaps are using the cat as an excuse.
Zoey has offered several compromises – it would become her home too, and she should have some say.
Your cat needs time and support in the changes. If the two of you really have a healthy relationship you could work together to slowly introduce those changes. Cats have many sensory abilities, and they are curious.
My cat seems to really enjoy it when something changes in our environment. She checks out anything that is moved. She smells it, she walks around it, and then she is bored with it.
Man up and explore whether you really want to live with someone else. Explore whether your relationship is really to this place. If the answer to both is yes, then work together to find solutions – rather than stubbornly digging in.” ATadQuirky
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – There is a difference between understanding the quirks of a pet you have committed to caring for and adapting to those quirks and refusing to change things in a home for no reason except ‘because I said so’.
At the same time, it may be possible to change out the furniture or make small changes slowly once she moves in.
That being said, this whole argument is a bit of a red flag for the relationship. Unpopular and old-fogey opinion here – I think it is a really bad idea for young couples to move in together to ‘save funds’.
In almost every instance of this that I have seen, the relationship inevitably breaks up because one person wants the financial and emotional security of marriage and the other is happy with the status quo, and both partners walk away from the relationship with thousands, sometimes tens of thousands, of debt.
This red flag may be a blessing in disguise, to allow you to put the brakes on things until you two can get more on the same page about the future.” AproposOfDiddly
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You dismissed your partner and her attempts at compromise and communication in favor of doing things exactly the way that you want. There are ways to introduce a blind pet to adjustment, and it was obviously important to your partner that her wants (and perhaps needs depending on what furniture she is bringing with her) are considered, as well as those of yours and Hopper’s.
You say that you don’t want to move the furniture ‘especially when there’s no need for it’ but haven’t really explained whether your partner’s requests were reasonable, and you are being dismissive of her requests. Maybe you think there’s no need for it, but your partner does.
As with everything, the tone is also very important, and it sounds from your post that you have sent the message to your partner that Hopper is more important than her.
Or potentially the way you have handled this suggests to your partner that you won’t compromise or listen to her, and the issue isn’t about Hopper and the furniture at all anymore.” Little_Ms_Howl
