People Are Restless Until We Give Judgment To Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
19. AITJ For Not Helping My Sister After Her Divorce?
“I (36F) have an older sister (38F). We don’t live in the US or any Western country.
We come from a dual-income household, with both parents being high earners by middle-class standards.
We used to be best friends when we were younger, but things started to turn bad when we were both in college. We both attended the same engineering college, just one year apart.
While I was busting my butt to get top marks, my sister was ‘shopping for a rich husband’. She would take all the money our parents sent her, spend it on clothes and makeup, then beg me to lend her some of my allowances so she can afford necessities.
I used to do that at first, but then I cut her off when I got fed up. That was the first crack.
The second crack came when she did not pass her classes, so she ended up having to repeat her second year (second out of five), then we were in the same class.
Because we had the same major, we had the exact same schedule. Then professors started comparing us (I was usually first or second in class, and she was near the bottom and had a habit of skipping class).
The final crack came when she got a rich partner, while I was going out with a fellow classmate from a very poor background.
She was constantly condescending, telling me how I will end up spending all my money on him and his poor family, and that I should follow her example and get a rich husband.
Our last year, she chose to drop out of school and marry her rich husband.
They had a very grand wedding, and the bridal gifts he gave her included a BMW and enough gold to buy a small apartment.
I married my husband after we graduated and worked for a year. We had a small wedding (80 people), and my bridal gifts were modest (about what he made in a month).
She started ridiculing him in front of his and our family, so my mom ended up kicking her out of the wedding.
Fast forward to now, I have a 10-year-old son that goes to a private school, my husband and I own our house, we bought his parents an apartment, and we go on a vacation abroad twice a year… all to say we are living well.
My sister’s husband divorced her because he ‘fell in love’ with a 20-something young woman. And because all his wealth actually belongs to his parents, she came out with a measly sum in child support, a lot of jewelry and brand name clothes, and her car.
If she had been good with money, it would have been enough to start her own business. But she spent it all away, and now she is asking me for help in the form of lending her money to start a small business.
I told her absolutely not, but she tried to push, I blocked her everywhere and she can’t get access to my job or to the gated community where we live.
She is currently living with our parents, along with her 3 kids, and from what my mom is saying, they are also getting fed up with her, but also she is apparently having a really hard time.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your sister is an adult and should take responsibility for her life. You are not required to take care of her. She made her choices and is now reaping the consequences of those choices.
She could go back to school, get a job, find another rich husband, etc. If you give her something now, I guarantee there will be more asks for money.
She is a leech. But you don’t need to allow her to suck you dry.” Ducky818
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Trophy wives have a shelf life, of 5-10 years on average, 20 if you are lucky. Expect to be traded in for a younger model in your late 30s.
Most relationships are transactional. If you don’t bring value to the relationship, or if the other person puts in most of the effort, it will fall apart.
Your sister wanted a rich husband, but the only thing she brought to the table was her reproductive organs… which 50% of the population have. So she had her body and looks. That’s it. That is all she contributed.
She has no drive or ambition, no degree, no work ethic, no prospects, and no independent wealth.
Simply put, she wanted to take it without making any deposits.
A smarter, prettier, younger model was always going to replace her. Now she has to figure out her own life. Get a job, go back to school, something. That won’t happen if everyone bails her out.
It is sink or swim time.” Agile_Presentation_4
Another User Comments:
“Nope, nope, nope! NTJ
She made her choices – she wanted a rich husband, and she got one. She wanted kids, she got those too. If she didn’t get a prenup, that’s on her.
Her husband dumped her for a 20-something – that’s on him. Your parents are getting fed up – that’s on them. She’s now having ‘a really hard time’… well duh! And that’s not your problem.
You are not the ‘Bank of Sister’.
She needs to figure out her own life. You’ve already blocked her everywhere you can, so I suspect you already know ‘the family’ is going to try to guilt you into supporting her.
You’ve set you boundaries, now hold them firm & tight!” ItCanBeEasy2405
18. AITJ For Not Wanting To Through The Long Process Of Being A Godfather?
“My sister-in-law, Stephanie, recently had a baby.
Stephanie wants my partner (Kate, Stephanie’s sister) and me to be his godparents. I was honored and initially agreed.
The trouble came a week ago when we sat down to discuss the process of becoming godparents. Kate’s family is Catholic – not strict or devout, but Stephanie still wants her son to be baptized through the church.
I found out that in order to be a godfather, I’d basically be required to become Catholic. I’d need to be confirmed by the church and would be ‘strongly encouraged’ to attend weekly mass, pay tithes, etc. after being confirmed. Kate and I would also need to meet with a priest to ‘discuss our living situation’, because we live together (we have been together for 14 years) but are not married through the Catholic church.
I’m not religious (if I had to identify, I’d probably say agnostic, maybe leaning toward atheism) and I don’t feel comfortable with converting to Catholicism in order to be my nephew’s godfather. I explained this to Stephanie, and she got very upset.
She said I should be willing to ‘go through the steps’ and that I could just not participate in the religious aspect afterward – i.e., go through the process of officially becoming Catholic, and after the baptism, I could dip out on attending church, tithing, etc.
I’m very firm in my decision that I don’t want to go through with this, but Stephanie is insistent that since I won’t ‘really be Catholic’ it won’t make a difference in my life. She says ‘You’ll just be Catholic on paper.’
Stephanie is now threatening to not let us be involved in her son’s life anymore. She told Kate ‘If he’s not devoted enough to [nephew] to do this, does he really care about (nephew)?’ and ‘How much can he really care about you if he is willing to ruin your relationship with (nephew) just because he doesn’t want to jump through a few hoops?’
Kate is fine with my decision. It is possible for a child to only have one godparent, and since she’s Catholic, she would be willing to be the sole godparent. Stephanie isn’t okay with this option, and says ‘It’s both of you or neither of you.’
AITJ for not wanting to be involved in this process if it requires me to join a religion I don’t feel comfortable with, even if I wouldn’t technically be required to “participate” in the religion after the baptism ceremony was over?”
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ
You could, if you wish, discuss this with Stephanie’s priest. A good priest will not allow a conversion that isn’t wholehearted and may be able to talk Stephanie down from her ridiculous stance. This must come up all the time in his parish.
He may have some good ideas about how to incorporate a Godmother and a Christian Witness (basically what you’d be if you’re not Catholic) into the ceremony.
And there’s no reason why you can’t ‘just be a godfather on paper’ (that is, not officially through the church but still be called a godfather).
There are millions of godfathers out there that aren’t Catholic. Stephanie is disrespecting her priest, her child, her religion, you, and her church with this utterly unreasonable request.” KingBretwald
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They’re making a mockery of the ceremony by trying to push it on you.
If they know and trust you and honestly want you to be part of their child’s life, they can certainly do that with no religious overtones.
And if they truly want someone to commit to assisting with their child’s religious education and possibly raising them in the catholic faith should anything happen to the parents, clearly, you aren’t that person and they shouldn’t try to force you.” Stellaaahhhh
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Frankly, it would be disrespectful and inappropriate for you to become a catholic with no belief or desire to follow through. Stephanie is being unreasonable, and I have to wonder if she has other family pushing for this.
It seems like your compromise would be very reasonable. You could even add on hosting a post-ceremony luncheon and swearing your own non-Catholic ‘godfather oath’ in front of friends and family to demonstrate commitment in a way that doesn’t involve straight-up lying to a church to disingenuously convert.” scarbunkle
17. AITJ For Hanging Up On My Partner?
“I do not necessarily care about my phone. Apparently, unlike my partner, I do not need to be attached to it and I don’t believe I need to run all over kingdom come to charge it. My partner also always thinks I’ve blocked him when I don’t pick up.
Historically he has made lots of fake phone numbers to try and reach me to confirm whether or not he was, in fact, blocked. He usually just uses his Google Voice number nowadays as I have learned to never let my phone be dead for more than 2-5 minutes, so he hasn’t had the need to make a bunch of other numbers.
Yesterday, there was a huge hacking scare at the law firm I work at, and I had to come in early to deal with it, with a little bit of his help because he is into cybersecurity and all that and he usually knows what to do if something like this happens.
I fell asleep early last night and I did not plug my phone in, which means that by the time I got to work, it was dead. But I have a phone charger at work, so I plugged it in immediately.
But things got hectic because of the hacking scare, so I didn’t get to turn it on right away. It was maybe 15 minutes instead of 5, which is already pushing it in his opinion. LOL.
The second my phone turned on, I called him.
I knew he’d be mad so I told him straight up that he was on speaker phone and that my coworker was right next to me in order to make sure he remained a little calmer, yet he still proceeded with an attitude in front of my coworker,
I went upstairs to tell him good morning officially because we hadn’t spoken yet. But he still had this attitude and said ‘Why is it that when your phone ‘dies’ the calls from my number don’t go through, but my Google Voice number always goes through?’ Now, folks, this has happened exactly twice within the past like 8 months.
He refused to believe me that my phone was DEAD and I called him AS SOON AS IT TURNED BACK ON. He insists that something weird was going on.
I explained to him that if he calls nonstop for 15 minutes and then my phone finally comes on, obviously those calls are going to start coming through.
It has nothing to do with which number he is using. The phone was off, then it was on. I asked him to explain to me why he thinks I blocked him, and he didn’t say anything. I told him to think about it rationally (with an attitude, admittedly) because why would I get to work, block him for 15 minutes, then call HIM?
It just simply doesn’t make sense to me. What reason would I have?
Anyway, he wouldn’t leave me alone about my phone dying and OMG WHAT COULD IT MEAN THAT HIS GOOGLE VOICE NUMBER WENT THROUGH, BUT NOT HIS OMG, so when he said ‘I think I should go…’, I said ‘Yeah, I think you should’ and I hung up on him.
I haven’t gotten any texts, and I haven’t sent him any. I know that I am going to hear it about not being sorry, or worse, I’ll get stonewalled all day if I reach out to HIM.
Am I the jerk for hanging up on him or should I have been more sympathetic to his anxiety?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ AT ALLLLL. Girl, this man sounds like an immature baby. He doesn’t trust you, needs you to constantly validate his unfounded fears and anxieties about you, and becomes irrational when he can’t reach you within 5 minutes of calling you.
When I first started reading this, I thought you must be in high school but then you said you work at a law firm, meaning you’re both grown adults. His behavior is ridiculous and honestly, break-up worthy. You do not need to be available to him constantly.
The fact that he goes as far as making fake numbers to call you makes me feel like if you do try to end things, he’s going to react extremely poorly.
From what you’ve shared, this sounds like an extremely unhealthy relationship based on distrust. Take some time to really think if this is what you want in a relationship now, and think about a year from now, five years from now, or ten years from now.
You can either break up with him (which is what I think is probably for the best here) or have a conversation with him to let him know that he needs to start trusting you and get off your back.” Jolliedranchers
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Hon, you’ve probably been told a hundred times already that this guy is not actually relationship material. So I’m going to just ask you a question: Can you imagine an hour, a day, a week, an entire year of never having to wonder when he is next going to attempt to blow up your phone because his issues told him that you are being a meano by not immediately responding no matter what is going on in your life?
I note that you were AT WORK and he wanted you to respond instantly AT WORK and got upset when you took a whole 15 minutes to respond to his personal stuff AT WORK. Kiddo, how much of your precious energy does dealing with his nonsense take away from you?” jennyislander
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I didn’t really read past 15 minutes instead of 5. I’ll probably go back and finish but it’s unlikely to change my vote. This is abusive controlling behavior. Bad things happen and phones die or sometimes get broken.
He doesn’t get to be angry about that. Unless you disappear for days, he needs to get tf over it.
If you guys moved in together (it doesn’t sound like you currently do) he’ll start timing your commute to and from work and accusing you of who knows what if you aren’t back in the time he deems appropriate.
You’ll start regulating yourself, just like you have with the phone, and soon you’ll only go to and from work with no stops. Then comes isolation from friends etc etc etc
This isn’t healthy. I know you love him but you deserve better than what’s coming.” kdawg09
16. AITJ For Refusing To Lend My Friend Money For His Vacation?
“In January, I was in charge of arranging a vacation for myself and five friends.
To make things as simple as possible, I told my friends I’d book the trip on my card and everyone could transfer me the funds they owed.
All of my friends, except one we’ll call Luke, transferred the funds right away. Luke said he was strapped for funds, and as the website only made me pay a small deposit and wouldn’t take the full payment until two weeks before the trip in March, I told Luke to just pay me then.
I messaged him yesterday to remind him the payment, which is £250, was due this week and he told me he wouldn’t be able to pay me until the end of April or early May, as he’s tight on funds. I told him this is not cool, and I need the money before the trip.
I’m mad because this month Luke has spent money traveling out of the country twice, plus he collects old toys and posted on social media that he’d spend £60 on new figures this month. When I pointed this out to him, he argued I hadn’t reminded him he still had to pay me until the last minute.
While it’s true I haven’t chased the guy up for the money, we’ve discussed the trip lot so it was defo on his mind.
Luke is notoriously bad with money management, and this isn’t the first time he’s been late on payments to friends.
He was receiving financial support from his parents up until they divorced last year and despite that loss of income, he refuses to budget or change his lifestyle (renting a fancy flat, splurging on his toy collection, buying organic foods, holidays abroad).
Then when he socializes with the friend group he expects other people to foot the bill for his drinks and such because he is ‘broke’.
I’ve told him if he doesn’t pay me before the trip he needs to back out and I’ll find someone who can pay his share to take his place.
However, some of my friends think this is harsh, though they’ve not offered to cover his share.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Find a good friend and explain the situation. Ask if you can use your name to tell the group: ‘Hey Bob said he can come if (your friend) can’t pay.
Lemme know by the end of the week if you can get the money.’ Be willing to follow through with it but also make sure Bob knows that he hopefully won’t end up going because your main goal is to get your friend to pay.
At the same time, it has to be a real person because if you’re bluffing, your friend will call your bluff.
Sadly, the only way people like this learn is through actual consequences. He sounds like he’s been enabled his whole life so he thinks rules don’t apply to him.” tallerthanu17
Another User Comments:
“That’s quite a lot of trust in your friends to put £1,250 on your card for them. But then I did the same some years ago, lending €1,900 to a friend so that he could join us on a journey because he was waiting for a payment he’d receive two months later.
He paid back in time, and all was well.
So, what do we think about Luke getting kicked off the trip? He knew he had to pay, and he is warned, and he still can make the payment. The one thing is, you knew he ‘is notoriously bad with money management.’ Maybe you should have pestered him regularly.
But then – he knew and he had the frigging dough! He just decided to spend it on other stuff. NTJ.” Billly_no_kid
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s had nearly three months. It was his job to remember to pay you; not yours to remind him about it.
You know he’s a leech whose main feeding grounds (mommy and daddy) have cut him off. He’s going to keep trying to replace them with his friends and you have no proof he’ll snap out of it and start carrying his own weight ever.
In other words: you can spend your time fending off his attempts to make you pay for his lifestyle or you can just cut to the chase.
Maybe something like… Friend, I get that you’re struggling to adjust to your parents cutting you off financially, but I’m not interested in being your sugar mommy.
So if you want help figuring out a budget so you can live within your means, I’m glad to help. But I’m not paying for anything for you. Ever. You’ve had nearly three months to pay for this trip and you haven’t even made a single partial payment.
That means you cannot afford this trip and as your friend, I’m going to find someone else to take your place so you can concentrate on your financial stability instead.
Depending on how he acts afterward, consider no longer having him as your friend.
But hopefully, he snaps out of it and learns things like which cooking ingredients he wants to splurge on and which he can buy generic, etc.” Office_Desk906
15. AITJ For Refusing To Share A Room With My Mom's Gay Coworker?
“My mom works at a restaurant & every day at 7 Mark (18m) comes in and gets food. Because he is in so frequently my mom and he has grown close and she sees him almost like a son. Mark is gay & his parents are extremely homophobic and they recently found out about him being gay and are giving him 3 weeks to get out.
He has absolutely nowhere to go and where we live rent is crazy + he works a minimum-wage job. My mom offered to let him stay with us.
I knew about Mark, I had actually met him a few times prior to this & he’s really funny and is pretty cool so when my mom told me he was moving in I was okay with it… until I was told we’d have to be sharing a room.
For some context, I’m 17f, I’m a lesbian and I have a lot of trauma with men and I haven’t been completely alone with one since I was 12. So when I told my mom I was not okay sharing a room with him she got really really mad at me.
When I expressed why she went ‘He’s gay! you’re gay! nothings gonna happen’ and when I told her he could sleep in the living room, or even share a room with my 19-year-old brother she told me ‘Because Mark is gay I wouldn’t want him sharing a room with your brother’.
And when I told her to have him sleep in the living room she went crazy on me and said that I was ‘selfish and uncaring’ and hasn’t spoken to me since. (this was yesterday morning)… so AITJ?
I almost forgot to mention that my brother is 100% okay with sharing a room with him, my brother is moving out at the end of April with his SO so he doesn’t mind sharing until he moves out.
It’s literally just my mom who is preventing it.”
Another User Comments:
“Oof. Your mom is a caring person, but she is in the wrong here. Even if you didn’t have traumas involving men, it wouldn’t be okay to have you share your room with a guy, and s*******y has nothing to do with it.
Plus I think Mark would equally be uncomfortable sharing a room with you. So while I applaud your mom for not letting him go homeless, you’re NTJ. I hope you can come to a solution that is good for everyone.” cottagecoreviolence
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother’s compassion for Mark is admirable. If only it extended to her own child. I’m assuming she knows about your trauma. For her to dismiss it like that is odd, and hard to square with her attitude toward Mark.
Surely, she has at least as many obligations to you as to Mark, and her disregard for her plan’s risks for you, particularly when other viable options are available, is confusing. As is her implicit assumption that all young people will sleep with each other, if and only if gender orientations align.” BigBayesian
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have a very good reason for wanting this boundary.
Yes, it is unlikely (even if he was straight or whatever) that something will happen. but you have trauma. It IS likely your PTSD will act up.
You’re listening to your body and are trying to manage your mental health. It will be hard for you to sleep and relax while sharing a room.
You have a right to say no. You didn’t do anything wrong by that.
It isn’t like you are insisting he is homeless, you are offering other potential solutions.
A man being gay doesn’t mean they can’t possibly harm you in some way, and btw someone being a woman doesn’t mean they are necessarily safe; him being gay also doesn’t mean he can’t sleep in a room with another man without “something happening” so if anything I really question that assumption.
I think your Mom is in the wrong on this one.” MxRogersNeighborinx
14. AITJ For Not Wanting To Sleep On The Couch?
“My husband was recently sick with a bad cough, so I slept on the couch to avoid getting sick and so he could get some good sleep. Now my husband is all better and I’ve caught the same illness. He told me to sleep on the couch because my coughing was keeping him up.
I said it was his turn, but he insisted that it was too hot and he needs the bedroom’s window AC unit. There is a ceiling fan and box fan for him to use on the couch, and the weather is a cool 70 degrees for us at night (as opposed to summer temps).
He says since I work from home and can nap during the day it’s not a big deal if I don’t sleep well.
I’m working about 50-60 hrs a week and taking online classes for my Master’s so nap time doesn’t happen.
It’s now my 4th night on the couch and the past 3 mornings he’s woken up early to work out or surf inevitably waking me up in the process because the couch sits in the small living room/kitchen of our 1 bedroom apartment.
The surfboards are also on the wall right above the couch. AITJ for thinking he should be the one on the couch right now?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You took the couch when he was sick. Now it’s his turn.
Especially if he is going to be up early clanging about around the couch.
I don’t appreciate his dig at your career/education either. WFH is not less valid than any other form of employment, especially when you’re clocking 50-60 hours a week in addition to studying.
As if his commute time gives him a greater claim to the bed.
If he won’t give up the bed, take your snotty nose and sick bugs right back into bed beside him. He can retreat from the phlegm or he can get phlegmy all over again.
Hope you get better soon OP.” Cactus_deluxe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but if you haven’t had kids with this man yet, don’t. Sounds like the kind of guy who’ll expect you to give and give without doing much himself and gaslight you into thinking the one thing he actually did was amazingly helpful.
Go sleep in your bed. Let him have a big fit, just stay calm and ignore his tantrum. He has a fit to bait you into a fight. And let him blame you for his crankiness tomorrow and again, just ignore his tantrum.
Why are you letting him have his needs met yet not standing up for your own needs? Why are you with someone who clearly prioritizes themselves over you? You deserve better.” Cookie_Wife
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You need to stand up for yourself.
I can also sense that you don’t want to deal with him and he will be cranky and you will be blamed for it. So what! Let him be cranky and no, you don’t have to deal with it.
Go sleep in your bed. If he says sleep on the couch, say ‘No, I slept on the couch when you were sick, now you can do the same for me.’ And then do not engage in further conversation.
If and when he is cranky and sleepy, just don’t react or engage with him on the issue.
And you also need to address this issue overall. ‘When you were sick, I took care of you and slept on the couch.
Now that I am sick, you aren’t taking care of me, making me sleep on the couch where you still wake me up and bother me, and have made it very clear that you will put your own comfort over mine.
I do not want to be treated this way anymore. I am your partner and if you want me to take care of you, then you need to do the same for me. The way you have behaved truly makes me wonder if you care about my well-being at all.’
Say it out loud girl!” mfruitfly
13. AITJ For Not Wanting My Mother-In-Law To Move In With Us?
“I (25F) and my husband of 5 years (26M) live on one side of Canada, and she (60F) lives on the other. So how could she move in with us?
Well, my husband was having a pretty rough day a few months ago and told her he missed her, and instead of reacting like a normal parent and returning the sentiment… A week later she was in contact with a realtor to sell her place.
Didn’t discuss it with my husband, didn’t think to plan, and sold her house. Crazy impulsive but alright fine. I don’t mind having her closer, she’s a wonderful woman and very sweet.
Here’s the catch: she’s a literal financial disaster.
She sold her house at the beginning of this month and has already used $50,000 to buy herself a new car. She didn’t need a new car. She doesn’t work, is retired, and lives off of disability checks. Once she has it, it doesn’t last very long.
This awful history with money also affects my husband, as when she needs money she obviously doesn’t have, he’s her failsafe. Even when we were broke college students he would send her hundreds of dollars we barely had for things like vet bills (who gets a St.bernard when they eat food from a food bank?!).
If financial literacy was a person, they’d have a restraining order against her.
As of now, she’s already on the road making the cross-country trip to get here. Who sells their house and leaves without lining a place up? We would ask if she has found a place yet and her response was always ‘The realtor is still looking’.
She also ‘promised’ she wouldn’t crash on us without warning.
The real kicker is that my own mother got evicted and is also moving this month. Long story unrelated, she was the first to need to move, and also my priority.
I was annoyed that his mother would choose to move already being fully aware that we were hands-deep in trying to find MY mother a place to stay. I already set the boundary that mine wouldn’t stay with us. Now both moms were moving at the same time.
Yesterday, we were on the phone with his mom and she accidentally let slip that when she gets here she needs something specific in our bathroom. My husband confronted her about staying with us and she got defensive and said: ‘Of course I am’.
I immediately took the phone and let her know that wouldn’t be happening, as we had already told her before she was on the road that it wasn’t an option. She broke down in tears and tried to guilt us into it, so I offered to pay for a hotel for a week or two but she needed to find a place.
She hung up and texted that it was our fault for uprooting her life on one side of the country to move to the other.
My partner never told her to pack up and move here, just that it would be nice to have her closer in the future.
He’s been in an awful mood since and I can see her guilting is starting to work on him since he’s asked me if it would really be so bad. I already told my mom she couldn’t crash, why would I agree to let him when she willingly chose to impromptu pack up and come here?
Ugh. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but MIL kinda is. I honestly can’t decide if she’s really a jerk or just a moron for everything she did. Selling your house without having somewhere else to live is honestly just idiotic but adding to that the assumption that she’ll just show up and crash with y’all after being told no?
You’re not playing favorites either since you told your own mother no as well. I’d stand my ground and if he allows her to move in tell him you’ll be moving out and if she’s not gone shortly divorce papers will follow.
I don’t necessarily believe that will come to pass unless he has a history of caving into his mom’s whims and always coming to her rescue when she makes a stupid decision.” Disabled_Army_Vet_82
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I’d sit down and have a VERY blunt conversation with my husband about why YES, it would be that bad.
Lay out all her financial crap over the years, make it clear that if she moves in she is NEVER gonna want to leave and will leech your household dry, and tell him point-blank you can only tolerate so much.
Tell him the brutal truth – your marriage will probably not survive this.
HOWEVER, offer real solutions. You help her with a hotel or apartment for x amount of time and then she’s on her own, for example! It’ll help hubs feel better.” Reevadare1990
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely it would be REALLY bad. This is a hill to die on. Do NOT let her move in. Do not take responsibility for her huge dog. You set the same boundary for your own mom, So your husband can’t claim it’s not fair.
Use some of the money you have to get him into therapy and the two of you into couples therapy. Lock down your credit and have a firm discussion over finances, especially if you two share accounts.
If she cries or tries to place blame again, clearly say ‘MIL, nobody asked you to move- that was entirely your decision.
You need to take responsibility for your own choice. You will not be moving in with us or even staying in our home.’
Stay strong! NTJ” EconomyVoice7358
12. AITJ For Not Wanting To Spend Christmas With My Family?
“I (17F) have lived in foster care since I was about 14. I and my mother (36F) have had good contact since I moved. We meet sometimes, we often call, etc. I moved to my foster home because my mother is an addict.
As I’ve grown older I don’t really want to spend time with her as much. I still love her, but it just exhausts me to be with her when she’s wasted. She always asks me to spend Christmas with her, my grandpa, and some other people in my family.
I love my family and always want to spend time, but this year I decided to say no. My mother got angry and asked why. I said that I don’t feel comfortable spending Christmas with her when I know she will get wasted. (my family also lives far away so I often have to spend the night).
She said I was being selfish and that I hurt her. She says she has gotten so much better (which she of course has, she doesn’t do illegal stuff anymore, doesn’t drink as much, but is still a heavy drinker) and that I’m just being rude.
She says I’m destroying the whole family and that I should just go since it’s just one day. I still said no and she got terribly angry and told me I’m a jerk, selfish, and should just ‘s*****t up’ and that I don’t ‘care about her feelings’.
So, AITJ for not wanting to spend Christmas with my family when it’s just one day I have to be there?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are the child, and she should care about your feelings FIRST. SHE has caused these feelings in you, so she should take some time to INTROSPECT why you had to live in foster care since you were 14, and how she is still causing damage to you and your well-being to this day.
The only way to deal with people like her is to not be angry and just state your feelings… ‘when I am around you and you are wasted, I FEEL SAD’. Not a single soul can argue with that.” Desperate-Clue-6017
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you set healthy boundaries to ensure you feel comfortable. That is absolutely your right and does not mean that you don’t see the improvements she already made. On the other hand, you are not blind to her still having issues with drinking and she should be reflected enough to understand that this makes you uncomfortable.
Perhaps you can give her some reassurance that you see the long way she has come and that you are proud of what she accomplished but at the same time be firm with your decision. Sometimes it’s not nice to hear the truth and while I don’t think it’s nice of her to react the way she did if you can find it in your heart to validate her feelings a little bit that might go a long way.” 94kls
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like she’s done some work on herself (‘she doesn’t do illegal stuff anymore, doesn’t drink as much’) and that is commendable. However, that does not obligate you to spend time with her if she hasn’t done all the work needed. Even if she quit cold turkey, you’re not obligated to be there.
You’ve set a boundary, that you don’t want to be around her while she’s drinking, and sticking to it in the face of insults and guilt-tripping does not make you a jerk. It makes you more mature than your mother.” kilojewels
11. AITJ For Not Giving My Child Money To Pay For Another Kid's Field Trip?
“My 4th-grade daughter Q (10) has a heart of gold which I most days absolutely love. She asks me as I’m driving her to school if she can have $4.
I then asked her if she needed snack money and she said no she has a friend A (a 10-year-old girl) who needs it for their field trip next week and this is the last day to hand it in.
I told her that was very nice but I’m sure her parents would pay for it if she was allowed to go. A told Q that her mom is a nurse and is gone before she wakes up. I pointed out that she must see her at other times during the day.
Q responds that A’s mom told her that she needed to earn the money herself if she wants to go.
My heartstrings were pulled and I almost handed it to her because it was only $4 but then rethought it.
This girl is new to town and I have never met her or her mom. I want my daughter to be someone who helps those in need but I also don’t want her to be taken advantage of and always give to those who have the means.
I realize you never know someone’s actual situation but I’m erring on the side of ‘the mom has the money but doesn’t just want to give it without teaching her daughter that life isn’t always going to give you what you want for free’.
Update: It was a 2-minute conversation as I was bringing her to school and the mom side of me was thinking more of the fact that the mom wanted A to earn the money. Having never met the mom or A I didn’t want my first impression of her to be that I’m an overstepper.
I could have cared less about the $4.
I emailed the teacher and offered to anonymously pay for any child in Q’s class that couldn’t go if money was an issue. She replied quickly and told me that no child would be denied the trip if they couldn’t afford it.
I have a feeling that this very young 23-year-old teacher may be taking some money from her own pocket so I’m heading to the store after Q gets home to buy classroom staples that she is probably low on.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – but as a parent, I would have given the $4. You have to remember the info you’re getting is filtered through a 10-year-old brain, which got the info from another 10 yr old brain.
The point is a lot of facts could have been misunderstood or left out. I would have erred on the side of ‘give the kid 4 bucks to go on the field trip’, especially if they’re new in town anyways and maybe the mom didn’t fully understand what was going on with the field trip (from experience being the new parent at a school sometimes it’s hard to stay caught up with how schools communicate to parents, not all schools are great communicators unfortunately).” hockeymatt85
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Because you are correct: you don’t want to mess with another parent’s parenting decisions.
However, if you are fortunate enough that $4 is no big deal, why not give your daughter an extra $4 to give to the teacher?
She can put the money in an envelope with a note saying expressly that this money is for anyone who cannot pay. That way, her friend can go on the trip and not feel like she’s a charity case. And if it happens that the friend’s mom really can’t afford four bucks, the child can go anyways.
Most schools these days have funds for things like this. The teachers generally know which kids are in need and which kids might be having a life lesson on being thrifty.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, your daughter wanted to be generous & kind & you made it into a huge deal & basically told her too bad, so sad.
The new friend has a mom that is too busy or too broke or too selfish with her money… ironically, just like you. A lot of kids grow up missing out on fun & love because their parents suck. You could have helped this little girl while helping your daughter do a kind thing.
She saw someone sad & wanted to help. That wouldn’t even occur to most kids & you should have been bursting with pride. I would have praised her sweet & generous heart & gladly given her the $4. Sadly, you showed zero empathy & were a terrible example for your daughter.
Kudos Mom.” Danielboone48
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Honestly, this isn’t a situation for you to get involved in. You don’t know what is going on at that home, and it’s not really your place to decide that someone else’s child should go on the trip.
Maybe the girl is refusing to do her chores and that is why the parent isn’t paying.
Also, I can say as a former teacher, there is a good chance that if it’s just a matter of a day or 2, the kid would still be able to go on the trip.
Also, paying for it doesn’t matter if there is no permission slip signed, so the mom still has to get involved anyway .” cuervoguy2002
10. AITJ For Clearing My Cousins' Room When They Decided To Move?
“So two of my cousins flew over a month ago to look for work opportunities when their visas were granted.
We are the closest to them in terms of age over here and essentially the most suitable to house them since my partner and I are the only one who lives in our 3×1 house.
It’s not big by any means, and even the master bedroom lacks the space for a wardrobe that can store both of our (partner and me) clothes and so the two spare bedrooms were essentially the storage rooms for clothes among other things.
When they flew over, we cleared one room for the two of them and shared the other room for all 4 of our clothes (we limited ourselves and moved 2/3rds of our stuff into the outside shed to make room for them).
My partner and I run a deli so we’re working 6 days a week; leaving the house to them pretty much. Freedom is one thing that they don’t lack. My other cousin works nights so he’s able to take them out frequently during the day and his parents were able to take them out on the weekends.
At a family gathering, the question came up on where have they had been so far in the 3 weeks that they’ve been here and where have we (my partner and I) taken them. Nowhere was the answer, it was all cousin ABC and aunt XYZ.
Another aunt chimed in saying that it’s understandable since we’re working all week. So the aunt who takes them out offered for them to stay at my aunt’s place (5×3) and it was agreed by everyone (besides the first aunt that chimed in on our behalf) that it would be better for them to be with my aunt, stating that they won’t be as lonely, nor do they need to share rooms.
The very second that they moved, I returned the two beds to my parents’ house and restored the two rooms to their original state.
Within 2 weeks, after the ‘honeymoon’ phase so to speak is over… the cousins realize that our place was better since 1: we’re cousins so there’s more freedom in terms of respect dynamic, especially compared to aunt+uncle and nieces.
The second reason they wanted to return was that we don’t pester them on how their job searches are going, putting pressure on them.
Well, whoops your beds have been returned and the rooms restored, there’s really no room for you here.
Everyone is calling me petty and stating that I’ve never treated them properly (since we never took them out; we went out to dinner (Saturday night) twice in the three weeks they lived with us).
AITJ for no longer housing two of my cousins over my pettiness?
For more context: zero rent or any money was involved in both places where the girls lived. Everything was out of pocket from me and my aunts who take them out.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You didn’t kick them out.
They moved out because they thought they had found a better living arrangement. You can’t be expected to leave their room unused for an indefinite period of time just in case.
Honestly, it might be best for everyone if they stay in a slightly uncomfortable situation as it will encourage them to get independent more quickly.
And anyone who says you didn’t ‘treat them properly’ when you were housing them for free is welcome to give them a roof over their heads.” RMaua
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You are not running an on-demand flop house for moochers, nor are you the local guide and tour agency.
They are there to work – they should be putting all their time and energy into finding jobs. You and your partner are busy earning a living and were kind enough to provide food and shelter, you certainly didn’t owe nights out on the town out of your own pockets.
Keep the rooms empty and the door closed. If they don’t like having to live with those who expect them to do what they are there for, they are free to go find another residence with more congenial people. And anyone who gives you grief about that is welcome to take them in!” Dipping_My_Toes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You had given up space and rearranged your home to allow them to stay there. You took them out to eat on two of the three weekends you had available. The rest of the time, you were working to pay for the home they were staying in among other things.
Nothing says they were paying you to stay there, and they chose to leave, so no, you don’t have to take them back. You are not being petty. They have elsewhere to stay. Works out fine. Relatives now complaining can back off.
Never understood people telling you that you need to do something for someone at cost only to you, for someone that is family. Family should not take advantage of family, just because they are family.” TimelySecretary1191
9. AITJ For Going On A Vacation With My Wife And Parents?
“My wife and I (age mid 20’s) live with my parents, and we were both unexpectedly given time off work for the rest of the week. When we got home, my mom invited us to join a last-minute family trip to Mexico leaving the next morning.
This was the first time my wife and I had time off together since our honeymoon last summer. We agreed and were very excited, but my wife was worried about how to break the news to her parents, who are very protective and wary of traveling to foreign countries due to safety concerns.
When we told her parents, they were upset and said that we were being ignorant and endangering ourselves. They also criticized us for not doing more research and accused us of being irresponsible in traveling. We apologized for not giving them a heads-up, but they were still angry and said that they’d rather not have known about the trip at all.
I later texted my father-in-law to apologize again and offer updates on our safety during the trip. Then he said, ‘Our weekend is going to be miserable worrying about you guys.’ He oddly offered us a free vacation anywhere in the US, I suggested planning a family trip together for the future which he didn’t respond to.
But instead by saying he just wanted us to text him when we were back home safe and then his final statement was ‘Just to let you know, I’m totally disappointed in your decision to keep my daughter safe’.
I feel like a jerk because I respect and trust my father-in-law and hate to disappoint him, but at the same time, my wife and I are adults and should be able to make our own decisions about travel. We’re also grateful for the opportunity to travel with my family and don’t want to feel guilty about it.
What do you think – am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
‘I feel like a jerk because I respect and trust my father-in-law and hate to disappoint him’
Your in-laws are disappointing themselves by infantilizing their adult daughter with their ridiculous expectations and paranoid need for control over her (your) life.
You are under zero obligation to run any decision you make by them first. Unless, of course, those decisions impact them directly. This is not one of those occasions.
The only person who can deal with this is your wife.
She needs to stand up to her parents and establish boundaries so that you can live your married life without them constantly breathing down your neck. This isn’t going to be an easy fix, though; this has been your wife’s normal for her entire life and I think she needs counseling/therapy to help her realize her agency as an adult – and cut the cord with her parents.
This is going to be a long, hard road for your wife and I wish her the best of luck with it.” ImStealingTheTowels
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ignoring the fact that international travel is generally accepted to not be the kind of risk your in-laws frame it as you’re adults.
You’re expected to make choices. Sometimes other adults will disapprove of those choices. That’s okay.
By trying to shame you and bribe you into making different choices, your in-laws show that they think you’re children to be manipulated, not adults to be reasoned with.
Presumably, they have good reasons to think international travel is dangerous. If those reasons are so compelling, they should share them with you. If you agree, you won’t travel. If you don’t agree, you will. That’s how adults get adults to do what they want.
I wonder if your relationship with them is based on carrots (Free Trip!) and sticks (We disapprove of how you keep our daughter safe).
Just to be clear, your wife made the choice to go, right? If so, the fact that they’re applying pressure to you feels particularly odd – almost as though they know their child will just roll her eyes at them, but they think you’ll treat them with more respect.” BigBayesian
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your wife’s parents’ concerns are understandable, but this is entirely your decision. You were never obligated to inform them in advance, to make the same choice they would have made, or to apologize when you made a different choice.
The very most you owed them was to be polite when they expressed their concerns, but after that, they had no business continuing to press them on you. Their behavior would make me look for other occasions to see if there is a pattern of their overstepping their boundaries so you can respond appropriately.” AntelopeOld8683
8. AITJ For Not Apologizing To My Cousin For Overreacting Over Pajamas?
“Yesterday, my family and I (20F) went to visit my aunt and uncle and some cousins at the former’s house.
This post concerns my oldest cousin (37M). We’ll call him Greg.
Since they’re family and it was a very chill, spontaneous visit, and since I prioritize comfort over anything else when I know it wouldn’t be inappropriate to do so, I wore a sweatshirt and some plaid pajama pants, thinking no one would care.
For the most part, I was right, and I even got a compliment on my pj pants from my aunt who loves pajamas and comfortable clothes as much as I do. But when Greg sat down next to me on the couch, he started telling me I shouldn’t be wearing things like that outside my house.
He first told me I’ll ‘never have a man’ if I leave the house in pajama pants. I told him I’m not trying to get a man. He asked me where exactly I wear them out, and I said around family, to friends’ places, on quick trips to convenience stores, and sometimes to morning classes (as do half of my classmates).
It also took every ounce of mental fortitude not to tell him I’m really not looking for potential partners at family get-togethers. He said ‘I’m just trying to help you. Guys will never be interested in you if you dress like that.’ I told him if a guy doesn’t want me because I enjoy wearing pajama pants out sometimes then obviously I’m not interested in him either.
He wasn’t letting up and I was getting annoyed so I essentially just told him I’m going to wear what I want and there was nothing he can do about it and left the conversation. That side of the family can be old-fashioned sometimes but this was honestly unexpected. Like why do you, a 37-year-old man, feel you must take it upon yourself to ensure the 20-year-old female cousin you see a few times a year at most looks appetizing to the male population?
Perhaps he’d at least have some semblance of a point if I wore pajamas everywhere, including places where it would be bad to do so, but like I said, I don’t. I can safely say I’ve never worn pajamas to a job interview, family celebration, etc. But even then it’s still only about my having to be appealing to hypothetical men for him, so no, he wouldn’t have a point.
I ignored him for the rest of the day and didn’t utter any form of goodbye when it was time to leave. I guess he complained to his mom (my aunt) about my ‘massive overreaction’ to his ‘advice’ and would like an apology since he was ‘just looking out for me.’ My aunt texted all this to my dad, who agrees with me but thinks I should just apologize to smooth things over.
I don’t want to do that. Even if it makes things tense with that whole house, since Greg still lives with my aunt and uncle, I don’t feel I should apologize when I was the one subjected to harassment regarding my clothing choices.
So AITJ for not letting this go?
Edit: I think my dad would’ve reacted differently if my dying grandmother weren’t living with Greg because my aunt is her end-of-life caretaker. As in that house is his only access to his mother.
I agree—I do wish he reacted differently, but I’m willing to cut him some slack this time. I’m going to explain the situation to him again, and I think he’ll understand this is maybe serious enough to not back down.
I also live with severe chronic pain on a daily basis and thus seek maximum comfort whenever possible, including in my clothing choices.
I will not be apologizing to Greg and instead will speak with my parents and aunt first so that they understand what he did was gross and wrong on too many levels to just gloss over it all.
But I will make sure I do it in a way such that my dad can still visit his sick mom at their house without any awkwardness or problems.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Greg is a 37-year-old man that wants his 20-year-old cousin to look hot at family get-togethers.
Greg is a creep and you owe him no apology. I wouldn’t do it just to smooth things over, either. Screw that. He’s almost 40. If the way a 20-year-old cousin dresses bothers him this much… that’s his problem. You’re not children, but if he wants to act like one, let him.
I had cousins like this growing up, and I don’t anymore… because if you’re a creep in my family, you’re no longer in the family and we will deny your association to our last breath. It’s tradition. (Seriously, this is a thing my family has done to several people in the past 500 years… We are not forgiving people, apparently.)” SecretTimeTrash
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Maybe your cousin wasn’t creeping on you per se, but he was still being creepy.
What adult man thinks it’s appropriate to tell their young adult female cousin what to wear to get men?
OP, your cousin is an entitled man who believes he can berate and lecture you, an adult, on how you should present more feminine for HIS comfort.
Don’t apologize, otherwise, it gives him permission to believe what he did wasn’t firstly a weirdo move and second that what he did was inappropriate. I guarantee if you do, in the future, he will continue to behave this way not only to another woman but in all probability, to you again, in the future.” Ready-Safe-1489
Another User Comments:
“Greg is so gross and as a person in his late-30s who lives with his parents/insists on giving personal advice to younger females that place blame on them or attribute motivations that aren’t accurate/never had a romantic relationship, he is giving strong incel vibes.
You are definitely NTJ.
He owes you an apology, but he’s insisting on one to save face. It’s not your responsibility to smooth things over and I strongly encourage you to absolutely refuse. You could really amp up your reaction by saying things like ‘Unfortunately aunt and uncle, I don’t think I’ll be able to visit you at your home any longer as I felt so needlessly and inappropriately harassed by Greg.’ It would be entirely reasonable for you to have that position.
You are doing more than enough ‘peacekeeping’ by simply moving past this awful interaction and not making it difficult for any of the rest of the family. To the extent there is tension, it sits on Greg’s shoulders.” owls_and_cardinals
7. AITJ For Unintentionally Leading Someone On?
“I (32m) am recently divorced (9 months). My ex and I co-parent as best as we can. It wasn’t amicable, we both kept really digging at each other until it was too much. After splitting and us getting back on our feet, we’re doing a lot better.
I’ve been hanging with some of our old friend group recently and another member of the group (29f) is also divorced. Keep in mind this woman was a bridesmaid at my wedding.
I’ve had split custody for a while but during the summer we are doing two weeks on and two weeks off.
For my two weeks off, I booked a cruise for myself to finally relax. It’s a very upscale cruise and cost a good chunk of change.
I was telling my friends this and she said she’d love to take a cruise like that.
I said she totally should. She says she could come with me. I said she could I supposed but didn’t really say ‘yes’.
I put my final deposit down and let the GC know because I’m proud of being able to afford it.
She responded with what day we were leaving. I responded I was leaving in July and coming back 5 days later. She said sounds great we’ll coordinate what we’re packing.
I stopped the conversation there and privately messaged what she was talking about.
She said she was coming with me. I said no, I was going alone. She got really upset and told me I was a jerk for leading her on.
I guess she then told my ex who blew me up about how dare I invite her on this trip since I never took her on one.
She said I had no respect and accused me of trying to get with our friend during our relationship which is absolutely false.
My friends are all tied pretty close to my ex so some aren’t saying anything and the ones who are say I messed up.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like you were just having a polite conversation. She definitely took it the wrong way, no one plans a trip by saying ‘Yeah you can come’ and offering no further details. She’s probably trying to stir up drama and it worked. As for your ex, she may have sensed her friend had a crush on you while y’all were still married, and the friend more than likely embellished when she told her.
I’m sure her feelings are justifiably hurt that now y’all are divorced. You’re going on a trip when you never had one together, but those are normal feelings of realizing a relationship is over and she shouldn’t take it out on you.
Enjoy your trip!” BackgroundAd7040
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you just mentioned you were going on a cruise by yourself. There’s no proof anywhere of you inviting this woman. I would text the group chat to clear the air that she took it upon herself to assume she was being taken on a full ride.
If anything that friend has no loyalty to your ex, not really you since all you said was you’re going on a cruise.” allieadventurer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she invited herself there and that’s on her for thinking you would just be fine with that, though for the future when someone says ‘could’ in regards to themselves, especially ‘could come with you on a trip’ they are very clearly indicating that they want to come with.
If you notice language like that, nip that crap in the bud right away in no uncertain terms so they don’t plant ideas into their own head and blow up later. It’s still her own fault either way but it would have potentially saved some drama or forced her to be more upfront with you on why she wanted to go with(in this case she was very clearly looking to hook up with you).” oblivious_fireball
6. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go To Church?
“My wife these last few months has been on this spiritual journey thing and she has started going to my sister’s church.
Background on my sister’s church: they are your typical Christian people (God is great, you are bad and if you don’t repent you are not going to heaven, if my god offends you then that’s your fault, blah blah blah) I grew up in church when I was younger so I know how religion works with the pray it away and have faith but don’t forget to tip god your 10 percent on a free tax me Sunday money.
So ever since I was younger I disliked the idea of religion cause really who knows what happens when they pass? I believe more in the ‘let people live how they want and if they die and face judgment on the other side then so be it’ but I’m straying away from the subject.
So she asked me the first day she went and I said no thank you, I don’t feel the need to step into a church ever again. So then she asked me again 2 weeks later and I told her again no thank you and please stop asking.
I don’t want to go. She asked me again a week later and I started getting frustrated because I already told politely no 2 times so I just snapped and told her to stop asking me I’m not going.
She asked me again today and I kinda just blew up and told her ‘I don’t know what spiritual battle thing you have going on but it’s something you have to deal with on your own because I’m not going to that stupid church.’ I feel bad cause I snapped but at the same time, I’ve told her plenty of times, no and to stop asking.
AITJ?
Edit: we have had talks in the past about how I felt about church and religion and she was okay with never going and just keeping religion out of the home but now she’s pushing for us to go.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I agree that once you told her not to ask again, she should have stopped asking.
However, I think you need to come to terms with the fact that your marriage will be ending soon. If she’s as involved as you say she is, she will likely decide that it’s not good to be ‘yoked with a nonbeliever’ (paraphrase of II Corinthians 6:14).
I don’t say this as a way to try to coerce you to go to church, ‘If you don’t go to church, your wife will divorce you!’ (You wouldn’t be sincere anyway if you went to church because you thought it would be the only way to save your marriage.) I’m just saying that this scenario plays itself out often.
When one partner discovers religion, then they decide that the other partner needs to be traded in for one who shares the faith.” RighteousVengeance
Another User Comments:
“Definite NTJ and it’s hard to see how this won’t become a big issue in your marriage.
If your wife goes down this path, it SEEMS that part of this path is about recruitment. Even if she agrees to stop recruiting YOU are you going to be ok with that being her agenda in every social interaction the two of you have from here on out?
I don’t mean to vilify your wife – marriages can work in which one person is religious and the other is not. But you would need to be able to reach some agreement in which you don’t get in the way of her own personal journey or religious habits and she doesn’t let it impact the dynamic within your relationship or with other people.
There may be other specific topics you also need to sort out, such as if you donate monetarily to the church, and other values and philosophies, but I’d start with the recruitment issue.” owls_and_cardinals
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But it may be time to sit her down and say that this is a hard boundary for you. You will never be a part of her new church and if she doesn’t stop pushing you to go when she knows how you feel, then it may be time to seriously consider what that means for your future and if she can be happy with someone who doesn’t have the same faith.
You haven’t said anything negative about her faith (hopefully), so she needs to be able to respect that you are no longer a religious person. If she genuinely can’t respect that you don’t want to go to church anymore, then you may no longer be compatible together.
Faith is about your -personal- relationship with what you believe in and how it potentially enriches your life. Not just showing up at a building and giving money to a business that profits off of believers. If her faith requires that she convert you to please these people because their opinion matters more to her than you, then you may have to go your separate ways.” Slight_Flamingo_7697
5. AITJ For Calling Out My Brother's Offensive Comments In Front Of His Kids?
“My (25 F) Brother, B (39M), came over to my Mum’s, for his birthday last week. He brought over my SIL (36F) and their 3 children M (F11), Z (F9) & N (3M).
I’d done a whole buffet of food and had probably gone a bit over the top, but we don’t see each other as often as I’d like and it was a celebration.
Everyone loved the food and everyone ate their fill, but B kept calling M out.
He kept making disapproving comments telling her to slow down and asking her if she was going back for more. When she grabbed herself a second cupcake he said ‘Put that back little piggy’.
She put it down and looked like she was going to cry, she then went and sat in the corner away from everyone and wouldn’t really engage in anything after that, despite my trying to get her to join in.
B, Z & N all had multiple cupcakes and it really bothered me he’d called M out.
I put some leftovers into boxes for them to take home and told M that I’d put an extra cupcake in there for her.
B’s response was ‘She doesn’t need it, look at her the little porker’.
M isn’t fat – She’s put on some weight recently, but in the way, kids do before they have a massive growth spurt.
I told B he was going to give her a complex and I told him that comments like that lead to disorders.
He said he was just looking out for his kids. I’m not a parent, but I don’t understand that he needs to teach them to be healthy.
I said as long as you have a balance you can eat like this sometimes.
He looked uncomfortable and tried to lighten the mood with ‘Well at least she’d be skinny’ and my response is the reason I think I am the jerk – I said, ‘Yeah, maybe she’ll be so skinny she’ll be dead’.
Everyone went quiet, apart from my youngest two nibblings who were tormenting my cat under the table.
They took their leftovers and went, B sent me a text later saying he was really mad about the way I handled things.
I shouldn’t have questioned his parenting and that he was considering if I should be at his wedding. My SIL hasn’t commented and I’ve not responded to my brother.
Mum thinks I was a jerk but my heart is in the right place.
Note: My brother has never struggled with an eating disorder, whereas I’ve had trouble with eating since I was 12 so this is a sensitive subject.
AITJ for calling him out like that?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You showed a lot more restraint than I would have.
That was what he felt comfortable saying in front of people at a family gathering, which likely means that what he says in private is likely much worse.
At a minimum, he is perpetuating diet culture which is incredibly harmful, especially for those of us socialized as girls and women.
At worst he is full-out abusing your niece and he is comfortable doing it in front of all of you, meaning he knows your family will either turn a blind eye or outright support him in it.” SirenSingsOfDoom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Not at all in fact. You are a female and you have experienced an eating disorder so you know much more about the subject than he does.
In the interest of peace, I would apologize (even though you are not wrong) for how it was handled and tell him about your eating disorder experience.
Establish an open line of communication with him to help him to communicate with his daughter in a non-destructive way. I also think you should keep in contact with your niece also to help counsel her through her dad’s verbal & emotional mistreatment.
He obviously doesn’t mean to hurt her he just doesn’t know any better. Good luck. And apologizing even when you are not wrong is good practice for having a spouse – I do it all the time.” D-fiant
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There’s a difference between teaching your kids healthy eating habits and looking out for them and straight-up being abusive, and he clearly crossed the line. You did the right thing by calling him out on his crap and showing your niece that she has someone she can rely on, and right now at her age, she really needs that.
I see why you did it too since you wouldn’t want her to go through the same thing you did at her age.
Parents have a big influence on kids at that age and comments like that are VERY damaging to a child’s self-esteem and mental health.
He’s not looking out for her health and well-being, he’s only looking out for his interests because of how he wants her to be. I wouldn’t be surprised if she ends up going no contact with him when she gets older and then he’s gonna be sitting there wondering why.” Seeping_Pomegranate
4. AITJ For Threatening To Call The Police On My Relatives?
“Around 4 years ago, a minor relative of mine (Billy 16M back then) took a collector’s car without my knowledge for a joy ride and totaled it. After paying the court fine and reparations for property destruction, Billy’s parents did not have the money to pay me back for the car.
The car was not truly replaceable and on the collector’s market would have easily gone for 7-digits. Even if you count it as just a used car, it would have been high 5-digits in the aftermarket.
I had insurance, but to collect I would have had to file a police report.
Billy’s parents begged me not to as it would go on his record and ruin his prospects for college.
I agreed on the condition that Billy or his parents start paying me back once Billy reaches his majority (20 in our country).
We agreed on a price in the 6-digit range but a lot closer to the used car value than the collector’s value. It was about the price I paid for the car originally.
We drafted an agreement that both of Billy’s parents, Billy himself, and their legal witness all signed and sealed.
6-months ago, Billy turned 20. I waited a month for them to reach out but nothing. In month 3, I sent a polite request for payments to start as agreed. Ignored. Sent more messages in months 4 and 5. No response.
I messaged them saying if they did not start making good on what is owed, I would file that police report.
The statute of limitations for grand theft auto is 30 years in this country so there’s no waiting this out.
They finally requested to talk. They tried to say that so much time had gone by that they had forgotten about it, and how we were family and I didn’t need the money so could I let this go?
I wouldn’t agree. I’m not expecting significant monthly payments but I do expect to see an effort to make things right.
They then tried to say how Billy had grad school aspirations overseas and his younger sister was starting college this year and they needed the money.
College doesn’t cost nearly as much in this country. I asked them when they could see themselves paying. They only want to start payments after their daughter has finished school. I refused. Billy can get a part-time job to pay for his *******.
Things will be tight for them but it’s unlikely they won’t be able to afford their daughter’s tuition. It is possible that it would affect Billy’s grad school plans (if these plans are real, which I’m not sure I believe).
Since then they’ve been bad-mouthing me to that side of the family saying that I’m extorting money from them by threatening Billy’s future. I’ve been getting a stream of texts from relatives who want to ‘talk with me’.
I don’t see why I should act like a ‘good’ relative when this is the way they are.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
‘We drafted an agreement that both Billy’s parents, Billy himself, and their legal witness all signed and sealed.’
Anything they say is completely irrelevant because of this one detail. Y’all got an agreement IN WRITING and now they are trying to go back on it.
‘They tried to say that so much time had gone by that they had forgotten about it, and now we were family and I didn’t need the money so I could let this go’
Family is irrelevant to the go ol’ phrase of actions that have consequences.
Also, I wouldn’t let anything that has a 7 figure price tag go.
‘They then tried to say how Billy had grad school aspirations overseas and his younger sister was starting college this year and they needed the money’
I get all of that but that is completely irrelevant to the agreement signed and written on paper.
OP you should just make the report because they clearly have no intentions of paying you the money. Billy has to face the consequences of his actions and you already tried to give him time to fix it/his parents fix it.
4 years and 4-5 months was more than enough time for them to come up with the money. OP, your level of patience and understanding is salute worthy because having someone steal your collector’s car for a joyride and total it is insane” DJ_Too_Supreme
Another User Comments:
“It is always astonishing when people insist that someone with more resources be willing to sacrifice, while the original whiners get to go on with their own property, resources, and future plans unpestered.
You have already made a huge loan to Billy and his family, by deferring four years of payment and the interest you could be/could have been earning on the total amount.
Any relatives trying to intervene need to be offering to pick up Billy’s payments as a loan to the family until he is ready to step up. If they ‘don’t have the money to help’, then they are not trying to ‘talk.’ They are trying to demand.
They all know it will never happen.
NTJ, but you would be if you don’t insist on repayment.” Entire-Ad2058
Another User Comments:
“Hate to say it, but you probably should have filed the insurance claim from the start. You’ll never see that money.
It’s a shame when kids do stupid things that jeopardize their futures forever, but sometimes that’s what happens. I don’t think it’s fair to ask his parents to pay. He needs to be responsible for working out a deal with you on his own now that he’s no longer a minor, but no, it’s not your responsibility to take the loss just because he’s family.
NTJ” Major_Bother8416
3. AITJ For Banning My Aunt From My Wedding?
“I (30F) am getting married in June. The invites were all sent months ago. I come from a big family. My mom is 1 of 6. I did not invite her sister, my aunt N (F 50s?) She is the only family member we did not invite.
My Aunt N & I have a very complicated history. We were very close when I was younger. She was the crazy unpredictable aunt that would let us buy and do anything we wanted. As I got older I started realizing my parents probably shouldn’t have trusted her with us in her care.
She will do anything for attention. She’s a compulsive liar. And many other things (character limit) Then in HS she kidnapped me in the disguise of a California weekend trip, & held me for ransom against my parents. When I gave her a second chance in college she kicked me out onto the street, leading to me being homeless for over a month in a state where I had no family besides her to turn to for help.
For me, that was my last straw.
After that, she tried her behavior on my other cousins, (there are 11 of us) keeping the cycle of trying to be the cool aunt. Then when she would overstep, people got mad, & she got defensive & did something crazy.
A few times worse than what she did to me. Since then, one of my uncles allegedly got a restraining order against her. She is not allowed near any of his children.
So tonight she called my mom trying to really butter her up with a sob story (for 30 + min) before begging for an invite.
My mom told her she would have to talk to me directly because it was my wedding. To that, Aunt N said ‘Well aren’t you paying for it? You should invite who you want.’ My mom responded with, no, they are paying for the wedding 100% themselves (something I’m very proud of, by the way.
Yay us!) Aunt N was flabbergasted, to say the least. She thought my parents paying for it would be her ticket in if she could guilt trip them enough.
When my mom was summarizing this my dad was also in the room.
He insisted that saying no to her will not work. That she will try to show up and act like she was invited. I told him that if she decides to arrive, she will promptly be escorted off the property.
I don’t want her there. My husband 100000% supports my decision. Also, my uncle with the restraining order will be there with his kids. So legally, she can’t. My dad said ‘You should take the higher ground. It will ruin your day if you let her get to you.
Just let her do her thing’. I should ignore her & enjoy my day.
I said, having an unwanted guest will ruin my day. Not asking someone to leave. He leaned into it, saying that it is in bad taste.
I asked him if I should just let any random person that didn’t get an invite attend. he said that’s different. She’s family.
We went back & forth for a good 15 minutes about this. When he left we were still not in agreement.
He thinks I am the jerk for not letting her stay if she intrudes and not taking the high ground. I can’t stop thinking about this and am now starting to question my boundaries. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!
This woman legitimately sounds DANGEROUS. And maybe I don’t know the details of how a restraining order works but, if the uncle is present, she CANNOT be without being in violation of the order, right?
Sadly, I think you do need to hire a security service for this event.
It sounds like it would be very, very problematic if she shows up, and it’s not going to come down to whether she received an invitation or not. This is not about ruining or embarrassing her, it’s about holding onto the boundaries your entire family needs against her.” owls_and_cardinals
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Maybe just say to your dad that you would hope that aunt would have the basic courtesy not to show up uninvited, as that really would be in bad taste, and that of course, you would prefer not to have to expressly tell her that she will be told to leave if she does show up, but if she is so lost to all sense of taste that she shows up despite being told she is not invited then unfortunately, she will have brought any consequential embarrassment on herself.
Perhaps also say that what would spoil your day would be having her there, given her track record, and worrying about her showing up, and also if you felt that your parents were unable to respect the decision you have made.
The good news is that you don’t have to agree. It’s your wedding, you and your fiancé have made a decision.
If you speak to her directly, I would keep it brief. Say that she is not invited, that you are not able to increase the guest list, and that while you are sure that she would not be rude enough to show up uninvited, she was to do so she will be required to leave and, if necessary, escorted off the premises .” ProfessorYaffle1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It is your wedding and if you are uncomfortable having a certain guest than that person should not be there. If your parents can’t support that then maybe they shouldn’t be there either. If having her escorted out is what you want and it won’t upset your day than that is what you should do.
If there is a restraining order than you could call the local police/sheriff and tell them that there is a chance she will try to break that protection order and they may be able to have someone close by and if not then they will know what is going on if somebody calls them.
The way your aunt sounds if she shows up she will make a scene about not being invited. I would designate someone to watch the entrance to the venue and make sure she is not able to get in.” Tristan-Dilts
2. WIBTJ If I Don't Want To Share A Bed With My In-Laws?
“My husband’s parents are visiting us (we live in a different country). They stay in a hotel but they want me and my husband to sleep with them in the same hotel room while we have our own house to stay in (10 min driving).
After days of being asked, I gave in since there is a spare bed in the room.
Now we travel to another city and we ended up staying in the same room with only one bed. I insisted to book another room — we did, but they made a big deal out of it and cornered us for not staying in the same room as them, saying things like we are wasting money, etc. I understand they used to sleep with their son in the same hotel room whenever they are on a trip, but now he is married and I’m not used to such a family culture.
I don’t even share a room with my mom/parents let alone sharing a bed, at all.
They are nice but I believe we should set boundaries here. I feel like they are sad and think I am taking some space for them but I just really can’t.
I also feel bad for my husband to put him in a such difficult position. However, I’m an introvert who values privacy and it’s weirded me out to have to share a bed with them.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The most toxic thing we tell one another is that marriage is all about compromise. It is – to a point. Everyone has and is entitled to – a hard stop. Those hard stops are where we make our boundaries.
There is no compromise beyond that.
Flat-out tell them that you WILL NOT sleep in a room with another couple. It’s uncomfortable for you, and you don’t care whose parents they are; you don’t swing that way. Tell them it’s not about money, and if they need the money so badly, they shouldn’t travel.
Then tell your husband that if he insists on staying in this couple’s room, and their bed – whether or not they’re his parents – then who’s to say he won’t sleep in the next couple’s bed if you travel with friends?
If they think you’re taking it all wrong and being disgusting, tell them all to hold onto that feeling, because that’s how you feel right now: Creeped out, disgusted, and supremely uncomfortable.
Stand your ground. You don’t have to do this.
Remind your husband that it’s just as easy for you to turn around, go back home, and pack up his stuff so he can move back in with his parents and sleep in their bed every night.” OtherThumbs
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ. Wanting your own space is completely understandable and it’s okay to want privacy. I absolutely would not want to share a room with my parents on my own, much less a bed.
I’m also guessing you and your husband would be paying for your room.
If so, it’s your money and you decide what to do with it.
That being said, what about your and their cultural background? Is it common in their culture to share a room with your parents as an adult or also when married?
You could explain that it is not so in your culture if that’s the case, and ask them to respect your wish for privacy.” drag0nh0ard
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I know the staying at a hotel concept when visiting family is tough on some people who want to maximize their time and miss the family aspect of waking up in the same place like they might have when they lived together.
I know for my family, that’s a real visit, not just coming over for tea or dinner. I’m guessing your in-laws are of the mindset that they are willing to tolerate any discomfort if it means more time and a family atmosphere.
But they need to be reasonable. You need your space and you’ve already shown a great deal of compromise and been respectful. They need to be the ones to adjust now.” SnooPets8873
1. AITJ For Making My Daughter Turn Of The "Do Not Disturb" Feature On Her Phone?
“My daughter (16F) has her phone on do not disturb all the time.
At first, it wasn’t an issue since she would still answer my texts and calls whenever she is out at practice. For the past few weeks, she has stopped answering my texts and calls and she wouldn’t receive them since I’d ask her why she wasn’t answering and she’d claim she didn’t get them.
I am not stupid. Her phone is on do not disturb and none of my texts and calls are going through. I’d ask my other daughters to see if they can reach out to her whenever she is out just to ask her what time she might be home.
No answers. My oldest (22F) would try to call, text, FaceTime, you name it in order to ask her when she might be home.
Over the weekend, my daughter had to attend an event at school and when I came to go pick her up, she went MIA and wasn’t answering any of my texts and calls since again, the do not disturb feature was on.
I started to get frustrated over it so when my daughter finally entered the car, I told her that she needs to start answering my calls and texts and she had no reason to ignore me when she knew I was going to pick her up.
My daughter gave me the excuse of ‘Oh I didn’t see it’ again. My frustration turned into anger so I start yelling at her and said, ‘NONE OF US ARE ABLE TO EASILY GET AHOLD OF YOU! SOMETHING THAT NORMALLY TAKES TWO MINUTES TAKES TWENTY OR MORE SINCE WE CAN’T SEEM TO GET YOU TO ANSWER THE PHONE!
YOUR FATHER AND I HAVE BEEN WORRIED SICK WHENEVER YOU DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE!’ I then told her she has two choices: either she removes the do not disturb or her phone gets taken away for a week.
My daughter rolls her eyes and said it isn’t fair for her to not be allowed to have the do not disturb feature. I said she needs to start answering her phone or at the very least, call us back right away.
I said that if she doesn’t comply, her phone will be taken away. She begged me not to take her phone so I said she needs to remove the do not disturb feature. She refused once again.
When we got home, I told her if she doesn’t want her phone taken away, she needs to remove the do not disturb feature.
After some back and forth, my daughter removes the feature right in front of me before running to her room in tears.
Now, before anyone thinks otherwise, I did allow her to have the phone on do not disturb as long as she answers our calls and texts.
We’d have to call her more than once to get a hold of her but she is completely unreachable. I think I was too harsh but I was at my wit’s end.
Am I the jerk?
Edit: I do not message my daughter during school hours.
The issue is taking place after school or on the weekends. My daughter most of the time does not tell anyone where she’s going, doesn’t ask for permission when she wants to go out with friends, and would sneak out of the house every time her father and I are out of the house.
None of my other children would have no knowledge of where she is and even they’d ask her but she won’t answer her phone (sometimes my son will ask her if she could buy him something from McDonald’s or if they can go to Target together).
We did speak to her before and said she can keep her phone on do not disturb and we would never call her or text while she is in class.
My daughter has also been lying to us about where she’d go.
She’d ask to borrow the car to go get food but would come home two hours later. I’d call her after 45 minutes but the phone would go straight to voicemail. She normally does tell us if she’s going to class or practice but whenever she goes out outside of those times and doesn’t tell us, she will not answer the phone.
It’s like she’s hiding.
The problem with taking the car keys away is if there’s a car available, she will leave. She’s taken my oldest daughter’s car a few times and when she’d ask where she was going, she would say ‘None of your business.’ My oldest hid the car keys from her and it would be met with manipulation and my daughter crying and screaming.
My daughter takes the car WHEN MY HUSBAND AND I ARE NOT HERE and if there is another car available. If there’s no car available, she won’t go. My daughter is on spring break this week and I have spoken to her this morning and I have taken her car keys.
She will not have it back for a long time is all I’m going to say. Not until my husband and I are able to trust her again. My husband and I will have a serious sit down with her when he gets off from work this afternoon.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you have bigger issues. Your daughter should not have access to any of the cars. Keys should be locked away, spare keys especially when you’re not home but she is. You need to talk to your other daughter about not letting her sister use her car under any circumstances.
If you’re still paying the car insurance, you can enforce this by reminding her of this. If she gives her sister access to the car, you’ll take it off the insurance. If your teenager still finds ways to sneak off with a car, well, time to take away her license.
But it also sounds like your daughter needs to see a therapist. The sneaking around is extreme, even for her age. Something else is going on.” TaneMiduchiofAmpiki
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not for forcing her to turn off the do not disturb feature on her phone, but for letting her think the way she is acting is okay.
Your 16-year-old daughter doesn’t think it’s necessary to let you guys know where she’s going, she sneaks out of the house at any given chance, and she STEALS others’ cars. She’s not ‘borrowing’ someone’s car, she’s stealing.
And you are teaching her that she can get away with it.
You’re threatening her with taking her phone away? It should have been taken away a long, long, time ago. You say you can’t take the car keys away from her because she will just steal whoever else’s car is there, so you shouldn’t even bother coming up with a solution?
You are raising a child that is going to be horrendous to deal with in the real world, someone who doesn’t respect boundaries and can’t follow rules.
She might need to see a therapist, but in reality, it sounds like you guys aren’t enforcing boundaries and your daughter has realized she can step all over you.
Some kids need a strict parents, and your daughter sounds like one of them. Children nowadays are becoming a horror to deal with, especially in schools, because parents like you allow them to run the household. Put your foot down.
She is the child, you are the parent. Stop letting her put herself at risk because one day she’s gonna make a mistake she can’t come back from.” torylanezhateaccount
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She has been lying, sneaking out, and purposely ignoring you by setting the Do Not Disturb on.
You and your husband should sit her down to try to get to the root of her behavior. Don’t attack her, talk to her like an adult, and let her know how worried you both are about her behavior. It might be a teen rebelling without cause, or it might be something else.
Maybe she is seeing someone she shouldn’t be seeing? Who knows, but family therapy might help.
The Do Not Disturb feature has filters. Add your numbers to it so she has no excuse not to answer your texts/calls.” This_Goat_moos
