People Are Giddy To Find Out What We Think About Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
18. AITJ For Being Upset Over A Burger?
“I (21F) recently found out I’m pregnant, getting to the 6-month mark, it’s been a complicated pregnancy and I’m exhausted.
My partner (28) moved in with me because of it, it wasn’t expected but we’re making do. I’m training to be a teacher and he’s currently looking for employment, technically I’m working two jobs to support the both of us it’s tiring, but he’s looking so it’s not over that.
There’s a local burger place I’d been wanting, we rarely go but I’ve been having cravings – they shut at a certain time.
He agreed to it, and he agreed to order since they only have one veggie burger I like, it’s not as though there are multiple things I can have.
They shut at 9, I got home at 840 and he hadn’t ordered, and by the time he went to it was too late, I started crying because I’d been craving that all week and all I wanted was a burger and a hot shower, I couldn’t even have a shower since he used the last of the hot water.
He didn’t apologize and offered to go to Burger King, which I didn’t want and he got all silent claiming I’m being a jerk since he’s been job hunting all day (as I see it my day started at 6 am and ended when I got in bed at 930, his day started at 9 am and ended at 930, but I’ve got the extra weight of pregnancy) we got into an argument about how we’re comparing days and that he’s overwhelmed.
I asked him to leave because I don’t like arguing and he had to stay in his car since he moved in with me (away from friends)
He argued that I’m blowing it out of the window because I’m pregnant and not considering his feelings because he’s overwhelmed, so am I?
My friends say I’m the jerk because he’s probably over his head, and had to sleep in his car over a burger.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like he’s being picky about what kind of job he wants (because literally everywhere is hiring especially fast food) OR he only pretends to be job hunting for 12 hours a day.
I mean, with 12 hours, I could probably apply to hundreds of jobs. It doesn’t mean that I’m qualified to work those jobs but at least he’d be trying.
In all this time he has been ‘job hunting’ how many interviews has he had?
It sounds like he’d rather freeload off of you than actually go and get a job. He’s gonna have a rude awakening when this baby comes and he has to help out.” Dangerous_Mail1939
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your life right now sounds exhausting.
Honestly, I don’t think this was solely about the burger. You have a lot of stress, and he’s not doing enough to reduce it. One thing that is noticeable is that you are working to support the living expenses of two adults and soon two adults plus a baby.
It probably would be easier on you if he lived somewhere else. His stressing you out in your own space, plus adding to your expenses, isn’t working out.
It would make sense if his presence reduced your stress (massages, moral support, preparing meals, etc) and cut your expenses (splitting bills), but that’s not how it worked out.
This doesn’t necessarily have to mean a breakup. People have relationships all the time while living separately. But right now this seems best for both you and the baby. I hope there are other people in your life you can count on because it doesn’t sound like he is reliable or holds himself accountable for doing better.” SearchApprehensive35
Another User Comments:
“First off, you’re allowed to have complicated feelings about being pregnant at any point in time and especially when you’re 21, still in school, and getting no assistance from your partner. It doesn’t mean you don’t love or want your baby, it just means that things are rarely black and white and this is no exception.
NTJ but honestly, maybe it’s time to consider getting some space from him for longer than a night. He’s had 6 months to show you that he’s a partner capable of pulling his weight and that’s not happening. If it means that he has to move back home for a while to get himself together then maybe he has to do that but this current situation where you’re doing everything while being pregnant and he’s whining about the great stress that is filling out some job applications is unsustainable and will breed resentment.” Scary-Fix-5546
17. AITJ For Refusing To Translate For My Sister-In-Law Anymore?
“I (31f) live in Brussels with my husband (30m) ‘Leo’. Leo has a brother ‘Oli’ 34m who is married to ‘Sarah’ 34f, who also lives in Brussels. Sarah is from an English-speaking country and has never bothered to learn French (the language our husbands and their family speak), even though she’s lived in Brussels for seven or eight years now.
She says things like, ‘Everyone here speaks English, so I don’t need to!’ or ‘I know how to say ‘a coffee’, that’s all I need.’
Frankly, she can do whatever she wants, but our husbands’ parents don’t speak English, so whenever we spend time with them (which is quite often, we have dinner there more or less every Friday), the conversation needs to be translated. For some reason, this now always falls on me (I’m also from an Anglophone country, but my dad is French).
I didn’t mind at first, but she’s lived here eight years, she’s married to a Belgian man, and she’s never bothered to learn so that she can speak to his parents directly. I find it annoying that it always falls on me if her husband isn’t there because the rest of the siblings (they have another brother and another sister) find it irritating that she’s never made an effort and just doesn’t bother translating anymore).
Last week I was trying to speak to my mother-in-law about something quite personal (my husband and I are trying for children and it’s been hard) and Sarah kept asking me to translate for her. It was really starting to annoy me, especially as it was a sensitive conversation, and translating it was pretty painful, so when we left, I told her that I wasn’t going to be the go-between for her anymore.
I told her that she lives here and that if she wants to speak to his family, she was going to have to put in some effort to learn the language.
Edit: after this happened, she was apparently in tears with her husband that night, and now both of them are upset with me.
They’re refusing to come to any more family dinners unless I apologize.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. SIL cannot move to a new country and marry into a family that speaks a different language than her and expect everyone around her to do the extra work of translating so that she can have a relationship with everyone in the family for the rest of her life.
At some point, she has to put effort into those relationships too other than just showing up. In this case, as most family dialogue is in French, that’s the language she needs to function as a full member of the family and not a guest that’s worn out her welcome.
SIL and BIL are upset because OP saying she’s had enough means that now the only member of the family who will translate for SIL is BIL. It’s made clear just how ostracized SIL has become, and they don’t want to own that this is the consequence of SIL’s choices.
I highly doubt the rest of the family is thinking anything other than a curse word.” Cryptographer_Alone
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
You are not her personal translator and are free to opt-out. If you must give an apology, do it for your tone and not your message.
I don’t think she is a bad person for never learning French. Learning a new language is extremely difficult and a lifetime endeavor. Many people are unable to do it, even if they want to.
She obviously doesn’t need to and has found coping mechanisms to live comfortably in her new environment.
She hasn’t been isolating herself and interacts with her neighborhood and environment.
I would also point out that she in-laws have not reciprocated and tried to learn some English. They have had the same 7-8 years she has had and likewise not bothered.” millac7
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she claims not to need to learn French because ‘everyone speaks English’ but she’s proving herself wrong when she can’t communicate with her in-laws. Her actions say it’s not really important to her to be able to communicate with his family.
It’s completely her responsibility to learn their language, not put that on someone else. Good for you for setting a boundary. You deserve to enjoy the family get-togethers, not have to be her on-call translator.” Sea-Ad3724
16. AITJ For Not Talking To My Aunt While I'm Working?
“I’m a nanny and was at the park with ‘my’ kids after picking them up from school when my aunt who I haven’t seen in months came up to me. I found out this morning she’s in town for two days. She immediately wanted to start a conversation with me.
I apologized and said I was working and couldn’t talk.
My aunt was confused and asked what I was talking about. I explained I am watching three kids and can’t talk, because I’m being paid to give them my full attention. My aunt tried to argue with me, but I really couldn’t talk, so I walked away to check on one of the kids.
This morning my mom said my aunt told her I brushed her off yesterday and was insanely rude. This aunt was going to take us all out to lunch, apparently, but I am no longer invited. Although I am hurt by this, it is what it is.
I explained that when I am working my time is not my own. I said it would be nice to catch up over lunch, but if she doesn’t want to, that’s on her, not me.
My mom said I could have taken a few minutes to better explain the situation and that this is 100% on me.
They left without me. My feelings are really hurt. Did I bring this on myself?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If you’re a nanny and you’re caring for the children you’re paid to watch and care for, you can’t actually give a few minutes to a friend or family member while out in public.
You’re ‘on the clock’ and working, which means that you have to have all your attention on ‘your children’ because even taking your eye off them for one minute is enough for them to wander off or for a potential kidnapper to abduct them while you’re distracted.
It has happened for before and it’s usually because the caregiver was distracted or busy with something else that occupied their attention.” Merely_Dreaming
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your aunt was the rude one, showing up out of the blue and expecting you to just drop everything and talk to her.
You tried to be polite and explain that you were actively working. Just because you’re at a park doesn’t mean anything. She just can’t respect the fact that you have a job taking care of children.
Your aunt is the rude one. Instead of catching up over lunch when you’re not working she chooses to try and punish you by uninviting you.
I hope you two can work this out, but all she did was miss a bonding opportunity where she could have actually had your full attention.” depressivedarling
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You told her that you were working and were unable to chat and explained to her that you were watching three kids and then had to check on them.
And you apologized! Not being able to socialize while working is a pretty basic concept, and if your aunt can’t understand that, that’s a her-problem and I’m not sure what ‘better explanation’ your mom would have wanted you to give.
Keeping an eye on three kids in a public space is difficult.
I can completely understand why you couldn’t be pulled in a fourth direction at the same time.” anthony___fell
15. WIBTJ If I Don't Attend My Own Baby Shower?
“My husband’s mom and sisters are all very excited about us having a baby and offered to throw a baby shower for me. Two of the three sisters have had baby showers for their pregnancies.
The youngest is not a mom yet. But they seem to have a theme they use for all the showers. Which is this family history/genealogy thing where the decorations are family trees and you get these nursery decorations. My husband said they did the same for his brother’s wives when they were expecting.
He knows that is not the kind of theme I would be comfortable with and had asked them to not do the same thing, telling them something fresh would be nice for a change. They agreed initially but then said they had a great idea to make it perfect for us.
But the whole theme is a very difficult thing for me.
I was an affair baby. My mom didn’t want me. She left me with my dad and his wife, who didn’t want me either but did keep me. I spent 8 years in a house with two adults and two other kids who saw me as a painful reminder of what my dad had done, and who hated me for it.
Then my dad and his wife died and I was placed in foster care while my half-siblings went to live with my grandparents. I have bounced around. Aged out of foster care. Decided to track down my mom hoping what I was told was wrong, but it wasn’t and was still very true for her.
I reached out to my siblings to see if they had changed how they felt about me, but they hadn’t. So I was alone with no family and no family history that I could talk about. I knew my parents’ names and the names of my dad’s wife and kids.
That was it. And not one of those people loved or wanted me.
So the theme upsets me because I have nothing to contribute. My son will have a lot of unknowns about his medical history because nobody ever wanted to give me any of that.
There are no happy photos or cute stories about a grandma or an aunt to share with him. There is on my husband’s side.
Despite knowing all this, two of the sisters are still insisting the theme is going ahead because it’s what this family does.
I really don’t want to be surrounded by that, and the sadness it brings me. I told them how uncomfortable it made me but they dismissed it. My husband’s mom and his youngest sister are trying to get them to change it but…
WIBTJ if I don’t go?
I had suggested that maybe it would be better if they have a party for themselves and leave me out of it but they said they have gone to a lot of effort and I would be rude if I don’t show up.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your MIL and SILS are. Your husband will be also if he doesn’t shut their mess down. They’re HIS issue to deal with. My baby wouldn’t be spending time with the in-laws otherwise.
I’m so sorry about your own family.
They’re also huge massive selfish hateful jerks for treating you like they did. You were an innocent child and deserved so much better. If your in-laws refuse to understand your feelings then they don’t deserve you. Your husband needs to man up and deal with them immediately.
He has to let them know if y’all show up and they do the unwanted theme y’all are leaving right then. If he can’t manage that then do not go! He can go alone. They’re the rude ones. Not you! You’re carrying the baby so the shower is for you and the baby!
I’m so sad you have to deal with those people. I hope things get better.” atxtrace
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a party meant for you, not them. If they are adamant they keep the theme as THEY want it then they can have a party without you.
Maybe your husband can go to your place to keep the peace. However, I want to add something. You didn’t have a trusting and supportive family growing up, and you didn’t know your history, but your child is going to. You now can start that history for her/him.
Your past is not theirs, and you do not want to put your trauma onto your child. If you aren’t in therapy trying to process what you’ve been through I really suggest you start.” MeaninglessRambles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Absolutely not whatsoever. Your feelings are very real and valid and deserve to be taken into consideration.
A baby shower is meant to be a happy occasion where you are focused on exciting things to come and bringing new life into the world. It’s NOT meant to be a painful reminder of your past and things that you don’t have.
I would send them a politely worded text/email saying that you appreciate all their time and effort, but the theme they have chosen causes you trauma and pain and you do not want any reminders of those feelings on what should be a happy day.
Tell them if they are willing to change the theme you would love and be grateful to attend, but you will not be putting yourself through the pain of it if they refuse to budge.
Then – stick to your guns. Don’t put yourself through something that will dig up past trauma.
They are making this about THEM and THEIR traditions and not taking you into consideration. If they are unwilling to see that then that is a fault of THEIRS and not for you to feel bad about. There is nothing unreasonable in what you are asking, and don’t let them convince you otherwise.
You are not being ‘ungrateful’. You are not being ‘difficult’ or ‘picky’. You are asking them to spare you negative feelings on what should be a joyous occasion and digging up past trauma.
There is nothing wrong with you standing your ground to avoid that.
Your mental wellness should be one of your top priorities while preparing for becoming a new mother. Don’t put yourself through anything that threatens to derail that, especially for the sake of sparing other people’s feelings or their drama. ESPECIALLY not when you are asking such a reasonable thing.
If THEY can’t see they are being unreasonable then that’s their problem.” MainEgg320
don't know your family history or lack thereof, I would send a group text explaining why their traditional theme won't work for you, and unless they back off insisting on it, they will not have a guest of honor at their baby shower.
Also, make sure your husband is fully aware of what his family are planning and that you will have no part of it, and that it's not negotiable - PERIOD. And then ignore them until they get the message. You don't need the headache, and your inlaws need to start respecting your boundaries. This is a hill to die on, in my opinion. Because if you don't stand your ground now, they will be all over you after the baby is born, with well meaning "advice" and comments like, "This is how we've always done it, so you need to do it like this too."
Don't let them get in the habit of bullying you, because that's exactly what's happening here.
Good luck!
14. AITJ For Setting Boundaries With My Mother-In-Law With Dementia?
“I (25F) moved in with my now husband (31M) almost 3 years ago. Then, things started to change. His mom would show up unannounced at our house often. She always gave her opinion: the house, myself, and her son.
She talked to my husband about me behind my back. She would say ‘I don’t approve of you living together.’ And ‘If you two ever have a child I want nothing to do with it.’ It was around this time she was showing signs of dementia (weakness, forgetfulness) I also learned that she had narcissistic tendencies and was emotionally abusive to her family.
I ignored all this and even went over to her house often to help her with things like cleaning her house. August 2021. Almost simultaneously, I get pregnant and engaged. My husband started with the news of our engagement. His mother said, ‘Oh good, I am so glad that you will no longer be living in sin.’ To which my husband replied, ‘yep, and OP is pregnant.’ She shut down and didn’t talk to me for 2 months.
We had a small wedding in November. She was upset that she didn’t get asked to do anything, and so she decided that she would throw my baby shower. When I found out she was planning my baby shower, I immediately asked her to please stop.
I told her that I had already asked my little sister and friends to throw it for me and I invited her to help them if she wanted. Truly I was shocked she cared, I was 7 months pregnant and she NEVER asked about my pregnancy.
I had this conversation with her 3 times and so did my husband.
After that, she cried because she was upset but said she understood and would stop all of her planning. Instead, she, her sister, and her friends and went to my venue early and set up an entirely different shower without telling anyone.
MIL and her sister were intensely rude to every single guest (some even walked out). About a week later, I got together with her to tell her how upset I was that she went behind my back to do the shower. She told me, ‘I never wanted you as a daughter-in-law.
I never wanted you in my family.’ I left and told my husband I didn’t want to be around her. When he told her to apologize, she said ‘No, I didn’t do anything wrong.’ My husband repeated the things that she said to me back to her and she denied ever saying them.
I told my husband that because she crossed this emotional boundary, I wanted to set up a physical boundary. She was no longer allowed at our house. Since then, I have suffered from intense postpartum anxiety and depression and I think about the things that she said to me and about my son every day.
He is now 6 months old. She doesn’t know his name. She can no longer dress herself and she wrecked her vehicle last week. My husband’s family hates me. They are in denial that she has dementia and they blame me for her rapid decline due to ‘stress’.
Any boundary I attempt to set up gets torn down and I feel like my husband is sitting on the fence trying to please both sides. AITJ?
Edit: MIL is 62 and has been declining for 3-4 years (going from no symptoms to what I listed above).”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, here’s my thing, your real issue is your husband. He should be picking a side, and the side is that you deserve to be treated right and your son deserves to be safe. He doesn’t get to sit on the fence because him sitting on the fence is choosing to allow his family to speak to you with disrespect and not step in.
I’m saying you need to have a real come to Jesus with your husband about how wrong it is that he continued to allow his mother to disrespect you and can’t even say with commitment that what she did was wrong. He chose to marry you, he should have your back when someone is being cruel to you.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“She needs support which she won’t get until her family allow her to be diagnosed. I think if your bridges with them are burned, that’s probably a good thing. Your husband may have a slightly more complicated situation but if they won’t listen to him about his mum’s condition and how to manage it then he might not be able to do much.
I don’t know where you live but in the UK and the part of Europe, I currently live in, if I had concerns about a relative’s health and well-being I would call the local Adult Social Care services and ask for an assessment to be carried out.
If something like that is possible, it’s a route your husband can go down. But this is not your problem.
NTJ” ccl-now
Another User Comments:
“Your husband is a husband and father before he is a son.
I feel like I have to say that a lot, but in my opinion being around your mother-in-law would be destabilizing to you and your family, therefore having her in your life should not be on the table in any universe, under any circumstance.
The opinions of your extended in-laws have no place in your home. Those people cannot keep your family upright from any distance but they can sink it up close.
NTJ” KalenaCory
13. AITJ For Asking My Sister To Move Out?
“My sister (30F) has lived with me (39F) for the past 2 years rent-free. I let her move in with a 1br apartment worth of stuff to help her save for a future house or condo. I told her I wanted to help her get to the next step and that she could save up for a couple of years.
Initially, it seemed like she was on the right track. She was paying off debt. After a while, it seemed like she started regressing. Her spending habits became unsustainable. Packages would arrive almost daily from her online shopping. She left laundry downstairs half done. Dirty dishes were left in the sink.
Food was left in the fridge and kitchen to rot unless we cleaned it up. She rarely helped clean up common areas in the house. Her room stayed cluttered and messy. She’d say, ‘oops’ and tell us she was really busy. And even though her initial amount of stuff was a lot, her constant buying was jam-packing the house.
Also, while we don’t care where she goes or what she does, we were very clear this is our HOME and we prefer no men, friends, or lovers crashing here overnight. It’s already enough chaos for us and we don’t want more. We made exceptions for holidays or special occasions as we would with our grown kids.
I don’t want roommates or a sorority house. Recently, however, she brought a strange man into our house when we weren’t there and it made my grown son feel a little uncomfortable.
She’d use the house as a dumping place and then disappear for days at a time.
She was constantly going out with friends and staying out for days with them. People sometimes ended up stalking her or harassing her after she ended the relationship. It’s a lot of drama.
I came up with 2 proposals to put an end date on this living arrangement.
Proposal 1 was another year maximum rent-free where she could keep all her stuff but get it orderly. I’m not anyone’s maid and I have a full-time job. Proposal 2 was an offer to allow her to rent the room at less than half the market rate with utilities included for up to 4 years if she wanted to pursue an education (which her job pays for).
The money was to pay for the wear and tear of my house and utilities. Additionally, I asked she seek outside storage for the stuff that didn’t fit in her bedroom, closets, and bathroom.
I tried to tactfully explain that the chaos has been an issue for us and it’s been progressively getting worse.
That I thought she would be close to her savings goal by now, but instead, all the money was spent. I told her having endless stalker drama and strange men in my home made me feel unsafe. I told her I didn’t judge her for her choices, but I needed my space from those choices.
Well, that caused her to cut off our entire extended family. She removed us all from social media. Even distant cousins.
I’m devastated because beyond giving her a place to live, I’ve paid for lavish vacations, taken her out to eat, and helped her with situations where people were harassing her.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ. She sounds very irresponsible and quick-tempered. I am not sure why you let someone stay (even if you love them) that disrespected your time, money, and house this way. It’s probably best to put a little distance between the two of you and ask her to move out in the next 3 months.
You should feel good and safe in your home and she is not taking that into consideration when making her decisions.
Also, she’s not agreeing to the stipulations you put in when she moved in, which was to save and get her own place. She isn’t doing that or taking steps at all.
When does she plan on moving out of her rent-free, bill-free home? That’s a tough thing to give up when you can spend money on the fun stuff.
It doesn’t mean you don’t love her or can’t help her in other ways just that she shouldn’t be in your living space.” Active_Ad_7691
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – and while initially, you were helpful, you’ve now moved over to enabling. On the one hand, you’re allowing her to continue her bad habits and treat your house like a free hotel, on the other hand, you’re trying to control her behavior and make her live the life you want her to live.
Evidently, she doesn’t want to buy a home or get a higher education. While those are great goals and ones most people want, she doesn’t.
So, decide if you want her to live with you even if she doesn’t follow your goals. If you do want her to stay, tell her she has 1 month to straighten up her room and areas she’s cluttered and no overnight guests, or at the end of the month you’re giving her a written 30-day notice (legally, she is a tenant even though she hasn’t paid rent.
You have to follow the laws to get her evicted.)” MercuryRising92
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your sister is taking advantage of you. I get that you’re kind and reasonable, but this requires firmness. Pack her things up, give her a one-time sum that would tide her over, presumably for her to land on her feet and get her act together, but be absolutely clear your door is closed and there will be no more future assistance.
She will never take it seriously as long as there’s an offer of keeping your home open to her. At this point, your kindness is now turning into a disservice to both you, and your sister. The fact that she has you as a safety net gives her zero incentive to take responsibility for herself.
Good luck to you, it sucks when your generosity blows up in your face.” Ok_Upstairs5713
12. AITJ For Not Supporting My Best Friend?
“My best friend (23f) and I (23m) are literally soulmates. We have never had and feelings for one another and will never have them either. She is like a sister to me.
My partner (23f) has come to love her as well. They have become close and it’s honestly a dream come true. They go out together and act like they have been friends for years and I’m so happy about it.
Now she has met a guy.
I actually thought that he was a great guy, I saw him as a good friend for the first 5 months of their relationship. I was happy for her and my partner as well. There weren’t any red flags but now I can’t say I want to be near him.
He is ALWAYS wasted, even when he’s with her alone. He is depressed and won’t seek help. He has made my best friend’s life miserable, she is a shell of the person she was and I’m honestly concerned about her mental health.
My partner talked to me about them and has raised her concerns, she is worried and so am I, she is not happy anymore. She is constantly wasted as well, and other friends and I had a talk with her yesterday.
We raised our concerns and told her we are worried about her and that we can’t force her to break up with him but he had changed her from a happy and loving person to a complete stranger.
I don’t recognize my best friend anymore.
She told us to stop worrying about her and that everything is fine and that they are getting married. The whole room went silent. She looked at me and said, ‘what do you think?’ And I honestly said I don’t support it, I think she will be doing a terrible mistake.
She shouted, cried, and told me and everyone to leave. My friends said I should have just congratulated her and said I was happy for her. I pointed out that none of them said anything either but my partner told me as her best friend I should be happy for her.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you as her best friend did her a massive service by pointing out things as you see them.
Your friend is trapped on the ‘I can fix/help/save him’ fallacy, and the more he drags her down to his level the harder it will be for her to realize she can’t change him.
The intervention you did as a group was not a bad step but people in situations like your best friend tend to be defensive when being called out.
Fake sympathy or fake acceptance is the worst thing you can do as she would use it as reinforcement that she is doing the right thing.
I want to believe the crying was not only for the lack of support but also maybe it finally dawned on her that nobody thinks her relationship is a positive thing and it would lead to the introspection she needs to leave her partner.” Apgamerwolf
Another User Comments:
“If he is a heavy-drinker then she most likely will be pulled along with him. It’s referred to as a family disease as those intimately involved are impacted heavily.
You told your truth, and only you know if you said it with love or with frustration; I would suggest that saying it in a group setting isn’t the best option.
This may be a long and tough ride for her, it’s up to you if you want to be there. If you do choose to be there then you also need to accept where she’s at & figure out your boundaries around that.
And then hold them.
With the info I have, I’m going for a super soft YTJ for calling her out like this in a group setting.” SlothLordMcMarekat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You care about her. She’s like family.
However and this is difficult to accept: you cannot make her choices for her.
You cannot force her to wake up and realize what you know. It all has to be her choice and her wake-up moment.
Watching her lose herself will hurt you.
It’s your choice on what to do: stay and watch her fall or refuse to watch but tell her she’s welcome back when she finds herself again (in order to protect yourself knowing you can’t protect her from herself) or cut contact.
There aren’t too many other choices. My grandmother who passed away a long time ago would have put the fear of God in him to stay away from her, in a very legal way I’m sure. But she finds out she might hate you and still ruin her own life.
Sad and my heart goes out to you guys.” ElvyHeartsong
11. AITJ For Always Washing The Towels?
“My partner works a really physically demanding job and often takes really long baths after work to ease his sore muscles. I totally encourage him to do this, because it really seems to help him after a long day.
My issue is, I lay out his towel for him, but he uses mine… every time
He likes the bath water to be scalding hot, so he sweats profusely and he uses my hanging towel to wipe the sweat from his face and then dries off when he’s done with his own towel.
I’ve never mentioned it to him, but after he’s done, I just take my towel and throw it in the laundry bin.
The other day, we got our water bill in and it’s high. He paid for it, but then went to the laundry bin and asked why there were so many towels in it.
He accused me of wasting water.
I told him that I don’t like toweling off with a sweaty towel and tried to joke about the fact that if he stopped wiping his sweaty face off with my towel, then I wouldn’t need a new one every day.
He actually got really mad and said I shouldn’t keep my towel somewhere he could easily access it and how was he to know?
I told him that I’m sure if he didn’t take 3-4 hour long baths every day, it would probably help with our water bill, too, but you don’t see me making a stink about it.
Now he’s mad at me and not talking to me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
‘He actually got really mad and said I shouldn’t keep my towel somewhere he could easily access it and how was he to know.’
Why is he mad here?
He didn’t know that was something that bothered you – reaching for the closest hanging towel isn’t unreasonable.
The response should be to put up a smaller hand towel for face wiping and leaving your towel alone, not getting mad.
You were also right to point out about the baths.
Getting a hot tub might actually be cheaper. I don’t see how one load of towels is the biggest consumption of water use.
Dude needs to find more constructive ways to respond to situations, not just get mad and refuse to speak to you.
(A few minutes to recenter yourself for a conversation is one thing, this sounds like an extended ‘I’m angry and I’m going to make it very clear I’m angry by refusing to communicate’. Which, do better.)
So in short: his reaction and double standard here makes him the jerk.” Kettlewise
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
This is basically a misunderstanding blown out of proportion, that could have been nipped in the bud with a little bit of open communication. You should have just told him that you didn’t like him wiping his sweat on your towel and that you had to rewash them constantly which would lead to a higher water bill.
Then you could have figured out a way to get this issue resolved by either letting his towel hang where you’d is hanging so he would use his instead of yours for wiping off his sweat, by using an extra towel for his sweat only that he can use for a week or how ever long until you just wash it together with your regular towels, or by having a smaller towel or washcloth for his sweat at the ready that he then can just wash quickly in his bath water after he is done and that you throw in the washer with your regular towels for a deep clean.” Temporary-Deer-6942
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Girl, I am with you: I hate it when my (now ex) partner used my towels. His would hang on a bar on the complete another wall from where my towels were hanging. I asked him over and over to just stop taking and using my towels but apparently, he just couldn’t remember which ones were his.
I now use two giant bullseye red towels because the only way he could remember is that red means stop.
Yeah, your partner is upset about the constant water usage but you’re just as upset about him wiping his sweaty forehead off on your clean towels.
He sounds dense. Like who even uses a full-size towel to wipe off their head while in the bath when he could, you know, use a small hand towel and put it near the tub before he gets in? Or use his own fricking towel which sounds like it’s right there anyways.” britt_gingee
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – I feel like there’s a communication problem going on here from both sides. From what I can get there seemed to have been a different approach to it from both of you but in the end, there was no solution found.
I feel like you got ‘aggressive’ with the sarcasm and he got defensive because he felt attacked. I used quotation marks because aggressive is a strong word and I’d like to use a less intense one but I can’t think of one right now.
I guess if I were in your shoes I’d open the conversation that way:
‘First I want you to know that this is a conversation I want to have to fix the problems we’re having together, not to attack you or defend myself.
I want to see what we can both do to communicate better and fix whatever problem we need accordingly.
I understand that your job is very demanding and you feel the need to relax with your bath. I also enjoy spending that time with you as a bonding moment because it makes me feel like you can relax but I also get to connect with you.
But I would appreciate it if you didn’t use my towel when you were done. I’m sure you didn’t do it consciously. The reason why I don’t like you using the towel is that you often sweat when taking the bath and then the sweat dries on the towel and I don’t enjoy using the towel with sweat on it.
Last time you told me I shouldn’t leave towels where you can grab them easily. I’m sorry but I don’t think this is a valid point. I’m not looking to attack your reasoning but see it my way. I have always laid out your towel for you to take and you still took mine.
You also can see from the position that this is mine and the other is yours. I would wash fewer towels if you could use the one I lay for you and I would also really appreciate it.
You mentioned the water bill was high.
The bath you take is a large part of the bill but they are also part of your well-being. We could run an experiment over the next two months to see what consumes the most water. Month one you could do your best to use the towels I lay for you so I wouldn’t have to wash as much and we could see how much the bill is affected. In month two, you could use whichever towel you want but reduce your bath use in terms of time and frequency.
Instead, an option like a tiger balm or hot water bottles could be an option. If you have any alternative to offer Id happily hear it so we can solve this together.’
Lastly, I’d recommend that you stay open and that you try your best not to take things personally.
It’s important to voice concerns in difficult moments in a non-attacking way or a defensive way and to try to think ‘if he was expressing to me what I’m about to say, how would I want him to say it to me.” bastermabaguette
10. AITJ For Not Childproofing My New House?
“I’m (f30) a new house owner, I bought it earlier this year and moved in a few months ago.
I don’t have kids hence no need to childproof my house. Of course, I don’t have swords sticking out of my walls but my stairs don’t have baby gates, etc.
I also have quite a few pets, parrots of different species. I turned my top floor into parrot space where they have a massive room to fly all day and all plants and treats and toys freely.
It’s a lot of stuff. But parrots are easily stressed and they can be fragile, especially the smaller ones.
My family has been pushing for me to host thanksgiving at my house as it’s the biggest one. I have 5 siblings who all have their own kids (between 2-4 each).
It’s a lot of people when you add my parents, aunts, uncles, etc.
I didn’t want to do it as it’s a lot of prep work with cooking and then cleaning after but I eventually agreed and laid down some ground rules.
I planned the menu and everyone brings a dish so we can all contribute.
Bring entertainment for your kids. I’ll make one room into a quiet space where they can go and take a nap if they’re overstimulated or they can go in and play quietly but they have to provide toys and whatever their kids will need.
Absolutely no one without me goes to the parrot room (it’ll be locked anyway).
I thought these were simple and fair but my siblings are now demanding that I baby-proof my house because it’s unsafe. What if they fall off the stairs? That I must allow kids to see the parrots as they want to play with them and it’ll keep the kids quiet.
I told them that they would have to keep an eye on their kids because I’m not going to install a childproof system for one day and they will simply have to keep an eye on their kids. I also said that there was absolutely no way that I would allow kids inside the parrot room.
They’re calling me a jerk, spoiled kid (I’m the oldest but okay), lazy bum, etc.
I threatened that if they keep on going I would cancel thanksgiving at my house and they can host it but they keep on going. Because of this situation, I’m currently not on speaking terms with 2 of my sisters.
They keep complaining and ganging up on me. My father is on my side, my mother is on my siblings’ side and I’m not sure anymore. Should I cave in? Am I really the jerk in this situation?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Do not, under any circumstances, allow children into the parrot room.
The birds need a place to be where they are safe and unbothered. Children should not be playing with them at all. If they want to see the birds, choose one of your best-behaved and least likely to be stressed birds, and arrange the kids in the quiet room.
Be sure to stipulate there’s no touching of the birds (they can get hurt or sick easily), and they have to be calm and respectful (so the bird isn’t stressed out).
It’s normal they’ll want to see the birds, but you should introduce them in a controlled atmosphere.
If anything happens to that atmosphere, tell them the bird has to go back to its room and take it back there. Of course, you don’t have to let them see the bird, but it might be easier to just show one or two while they’re all sitting quietly.
Do it after dinner so it can be a reward for good behavior. Full children are usually a little quieter than hungry ones, too.
If they want you to childproof the stairs, ask one of them to bring a baby gate or something. One with no screws so it doesn’t damage walls.
Surely one of them has one. It shouldn’t be your responsibility to childproof your home. I have had lots of kids in my not-proofed home and never had a problem. The most baby-proofing I do is hiding my Xbox remotes because I don’t want them broken.” GreatCDNSeagull
Another User Comments:
“Your requests are absolutely reasonable and you are already going above and beyond for your family. Like you said, you should not have to go out of your way to childproof your home for one day and at whatever that costs. Your home is your sanctuary—just like there are rules in a church, you have rules for your home.
Your family is acting entitled to have free range in your home and likely will distance themselves from any mess or damages that occur. Your sisters who are not talking to you are just upset that they have to be parents because you’ve only asked them to take responsibility for the safety and entertainment of their children—you know, normal parenting.
If I were you, I wouldn’t contemplate canceling the dinner at your home—I would definitely cancel it. NTJ” jasperjamboree
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Stop and say that out loud, ‘Am I the jerk for having boundaries in regards to my whole family coming to my house for Thanksgiving.’ now say it a couple of times.
No. You are not. If your sisters are so concerned over baby gating your house they can supply the gates for your stairs and install them for the day too.
Keep the parrots’ room locked, your no is just as good as the first time you said it.
Just for fun have a small hand water pistol and when your sisters start up, give them a squirt of water.
I did this the second year of hosting, after the whining about how certain things didn’t happen at a celebration I hosted, mind you we don’t have Thanksgiving and it was our Christmas, and our Christmases are hot.” gemma156
9. AITJ For Refusing To Make My Son Apologize?
“I (33f) have a 13-year-old son named Nas from a previous relationship. I’ve been raising him on my own since he was two, so it’s always just been him and me. I started going out with my husband Zach (33m) when Nas was 9, and we just got married last year.
I’m very big on letting my son express himself. I don’t believe in preventing him from doing ‘feminine’ things just because he’s a boy. His favorite color is pink, so because he got straight A’s on his last report card, I let him dye two front strands of his hair that color.
He likes making jewelry too, so sometimes we’ll just sit together and make earrings out of fun stuff we find at the craft store. He’s also recently gotten into painting his nails, and I just love seeing how happy he is when he gets to express himself the way he wants to.
My MIL came to stay with us while the HVAC system in her house gets fixed. One of the repair guys blew a fuse so it’s taking longer than expected and I’m honestly losing my mind a little bit. She’s always been critical of me, either for the fact that I had a child at 20 with a guy I wasn’t married to, or because I very much expect my husband to treat me as an equal partner rather than as his mother 2.0.
She’s of the opinion that my refusal to abide by traditional gender roles is what has resulted in my son being ‘the way he is’. She always expresses that opinion in a negative way, and both my husband and I have told her many times to refrain from criticizing my child for the simple crime of being himself.
On Friday, Nas came in from school while my MIL was the only one home. I had to work late, and Zach was finishing up a meeting, so Nas rode the bus. While he was on the bus he let one of his friends do his eyeliner, and when my MIL saw it, she immediately told him to wash it off.
He refused to because he said he liked it and he’d wash it off before he went to bed.
By the time Zach got home, MIL was still lecturing Nas about it, and Nas apparently snapped and said ‘I get that you’re mad that a boy is prettier than you, but I’m tired of hearing about it.’ That upset her even more and Zach tried to get Nas to apologize to her but Nas refused.
When I got there, MIL and Zach told me what had happened, and I said that Nas wouldn’t have said anything had she not been bothering him first. If Nas had to apologize, then she should say sorry too. MIL refused so I said ‘okay.
Then I’m not going to make him do it either.’
My husband is upset with me and thinks I should just teach my son to be the bigger person because this won’t be the only time someone has a problem with ‘how he is’.
The only thing I’m willing to teach my son through any of this is that he shouldn’t be sharing eyeliner because of germs.
Zach is insisting that Nas was disrespectful, but even if he was, I think it was justified.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
MIL sounds like she has a stick up her butt and some kind of entitlement complex; just because you’re older doesn’t mean you automatically deserve whatever version of ‘respect’ you think you deserve.
Treat others the way you want to be treated. Period.
Nas isn’t hurting ANYONE by expressing himself in a way that makes him feel good about himself.
MIL is expressing herself in a way that cuts someone else down.
MIL needs to apologize for trying to force Nas to do something he didn’t want to do when he wasn’t hurting anyone.
(Definitely give Nas a talk on sharing personal care items though; could easily have gotten an infection from using someone else’s eyeliner. Excellent point!)
Once MIL apologizes, Nas has the choice to decide if he wants to apologize or not. She was hurtful, mean, and disrespectful.
It’s 2022. We aren’t doing toxic stuff with no repercussions anymore. If he chooses to, in order to keep the peace, that shows a great deal of maturity on his part, and you should be proud. If he chooses not to, that shows a healthy amount of self-respect and wisdom in setting boundaries, and you should still be proud.
Husband needs to apologize to you for taking MIL’s side when she’s clearly in the wrong. You’re a team. He should have your back. He should have his family’s back. ‘The b***d of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb’.” SwirlyNewt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! You are doing a great job supporting your son!
Your husband was right about one thing, this won’t be the only time someone has a problem with your son. But when that time comes, there will be no adults to make him apologize!
He is already doing a good job standing up for himself. Ask hubby what exactly did he mean by being the bigger person? Is it really for your son’s benefit to just roll over and apologize for something where he clearly wasn’t in the wrong?
Or is it beneficial for hubby, as he gets to keep the peace with MIL? Does he really want you to teach your son that he shouldn’t be himself because people will have problems with that? He shouldn’t defend himself because he might upset someone?
(Even though that person attacked him first) What kind of a weird and twisted world is he living in?
As for MIL dear, she can get a hotel room, if your son’s existence is too much for her nerves to handle…” Altruistic-Paper-847
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. You’re doing an awesome job creating a space for your child to figure out who he is.
I think it’s easy for people to take an absolute stance on partners having to immediately take up the same rhythm as their other half (or third, quarter, and so on depending on the relationship).
In cases like this, I think your husband’s response is not as equally annoying as your MIL’s actions. He seems to be approaching what he thinks is appropriate behavior from a place of worry/care for Nas, not so much just that he said something deemed disrespectful.
If you two can have a conversation about the worth about how the world will treat Nas and gender expression outside the context of gross MIL, I hope that can bring him around to understanding your approach and equally dispel sons of his fears about the way a kiddo he cares about is going to be treated by the world.
(I know that sounds apologist and I wish I had a better lexicon to explain what I mean because I’m not trying to excuse him, just have encountered this type of misguided loving worry in men who care for another AMAB, assigned male at birth, exploring their gender identity).” Weird_Orange3023
8. AITJ For Telling My Sister Not To Expect That The Job Would Be Easy?
“My sister signed up on a website where people can get housekeeping jobs. She found one that pays $250 a week to come over twice a week and clean. She said it was perfect for her. Well, two weeks in and she is miserable.
She complained that the family has four kids, and every time she gets there her work from a few days ago has been erased. She said she’s expected to wide down appliances and counters, sweep and mop the floor, clean the toilets, tub, and sinks, and dust shelves.
I asked her what she thought she would be doing, and she said she figured it would be like the chores we do at home, where stuff needs to be done once a week or every few weeks, not twice a week. She said the house gets dirty so fast with the four kids, and they don’t help out.
I pointed out that if it was as easy as she wanted, they would just do it themselves and not be willing to pay someone to do it. After all, a thousand dollars a month is a lot of money. She said that was no excuse to be messy, and the kids should have chores.
I asked her what they would be paying her for at that point.
My sister said I’m a jerk, and my mom said I was being a contrarian. But honestly, I think she needed to hear that. Was I a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
You’re completely correct that that’s the expectation of the job. Nobody really pays a cleaner if it’s easy enough to do themselves unless they’re mega-rich and value an extra few hours of free time more than $250
But on the other hand… your sister was just venting to you.
Sometimes people just wanna hear ‘gosh, that sucks’ and not get into a debate about the nuances of their line of work. I’d feel pretty bad if I vented to my wife about a rough day at work and all she said was ‘well if it was easy they wouldn’t pay anyone to do it.’ Like yeah, that’s obvious, but I still have the right to feel frustrated.” UncleGrimm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Is she allowed to feel underpaid? Yes. Because while that is not bad pay it’s still on the low end for what most house cleaners charge especially for a home with multiple kids. So the solution is to charge more. Not complain about the work because regardless of the pay the work will be the same.
She probably won’t get anywhere telling this family she wants to be paid more since they’ve already agreed to the current rate. So she either needs to******* up and deal with it because it’s still decent money, or fire this particular home as a client and adjust her prices moving forward.” Anxious-Process6837
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
Maybe your sister was naive about what the duties entailed. If she worked 2 days x week, 8 hours/day (16 hours /week) she’s making $15.63/hour. Not sure if she’s getting taxed or if it’s more of a funds under-the-table situation, but now that she better understands what her employer expects, she can decide if that’s a fair wage or if she would rather find another job doing something else.
In any case, it’s probably a valuable learning experience for her with her next job interview, to ask more questions about what she would be willing to do for the money offered. As she gains more experience, she can start to ask better questions in the interview process, as well as negotiate – for example maybe she’s willing to do the work asked but would want $20/hour.” tlf555
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
I don’t think it’s a big deal to complain about your job. Also, I have a cleaner, and my kids are expected to pick up after themselves and do chores. If my kids did nothing and the house was pure filth, I would not be surprised if my housekeeper went home and gossiped about what entitled kids we were raising.
I don’t think you, as her sister, really need to do much beyond giving her a place to vent.
But it also sounds like her job duties are mainly the deep cleaning tasks, which yeah – in a 6-person household, things like a tub get dirty fast. And are not generally on a kid’s list of chores.
You are correct that when people hire a cleaner, they are not going to be scrubbing their own tubs.
It honestly sounds like she is not cut out to be a cleaner. Which is fine. Sometimes you have to try a job to know.
You say she is paid to come twice a week.
Are there set hours? Because it is also true that some people do maintain a whole different level of filth, and their home cannot be cleaned in the same amount of time as someone else’s home. Her receiving a flat rate payment, regardless of if it is a 10-hour shift or a 6-hour shift, is, again, a very fair complaint.” ImaginaryAnts
7. AITJ For Not Paying For A TV?
“I (22M) had 4 roommates in college that we bought everything together with. We all moved into a 5-bedroom house in our junior year and lived together until graduation.
All 4 of them used to live at another apartment together but we got a 5-person house after we didn’t have to live on campus because it was much cheaper. Pretty much everything in the house was divided into 5 and paid for by all of us, except for a few kitchen items and a 70” tv that they bought before I moved in with them.
For some context, all my roommates that didn’t get jobs returned to their countries (not in the US) so they’re not here anymore.
When we graduated, only one of us stayed in the city where we graduated and I moved to a city about 45 minutes away with another friend that was going to start working there too.
Our friend that stayed in the city is called Fred. When we graduated, we were all looking for jobs and Fred was the only one that had one, so he took our sofa, dining room table, and kitchen supplies and no one cared because he was the only one with a job anyways.
One week later, I got a job too so I said that the only thing I wanted was the TV, which was fair in my opinion considering that Fred had taken almost $2000 worth of stuff we had all paid for and we didn’t make him pay our parts off.
After a couple of weeks with no contact, I took the TV but found out all my roommates were saying how I snaked them because I took the TV and hadn’t paid for it. I explained that I assumed we weren’t paying for things anyways because Fred took our sofa ($1250) and our dining table ($300) as well as pretty much all our kitchen supplies and didn’t pay our parts off.
They got angry and said I should pay for the tv, and I said I’ll pay for it when I get my part from all the other things Fred took and didn’t pay. Now they’re all angry at me, I know that I didn’t pay for the TV previously but it’s worth much less than the sofa, dining room table and kitchen supplies and Fred didn’t have to pay so why should I?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You need to all get together and discuss what the plan is for all the items purchased as a group. Do people have to pay for it? Do you just divide the stuff up somehow and no one pays?
But making assumptions and taking is going to lead to everyone being angry.
Also, people don’t buy furniture and large items as a group. This should common sense but it’s always going to end badly. One person buys the couch, on the table, one a tv, etc. that way there is no confusion when you move out.” TangeloMain9661
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I can see taking something that you chipped in for, but you had no part in paying for the TV, even if your friend took ownership of the other stuff… the problem with sharing the cost of household items, is at the end of you guys living together someone is going to take ownership of the stuff.
The general consensus seemed to be that your friend was allowed to take the study because he had an established household after graduation. I think the main problem your other friends had was that you just took something you hadn’t chipped in for. Let’s face it, if you can afford to buy furnishings for your new household then you can afford to buy a new TV.
You really shouldn’t have just assumed it would be ok to take things without asking first.” Long_Ad_8563
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s stupid here. The five of you bought stuff without agreeing on how it would be distributed when you split up. Who owns what, in what proportions, and how to resolve it when folks moved out should have been decided before purchasing.
About the TV, no have no ownership stake in it, you didn’t contribute to its purchase. It’s not yours. The sofa and dining set, you do have an ownership stake and need to figure out what to do about those, but the TV is completely not yours.” fuzzy_mic
6. AITJ For Trying To Sell My Late Wife's Motorcycle?
“My wife was a biker and worked as a motorcycle mechanic with her brother.
She used to ride her dad’s old Harley. I’ve always hated motorcycles and thought they were death traps. I would try to get her to sell it, but she always ignored me. She died when she lost control on some ice coming home one day.
Our son Joshua (19M) was about 13 when she passed away and it hit him hard, especially since she used to take him riding with her all the time.
I planned on selling the bike then not long after the funeral not wanting to see it anymore.
When I went to look for it in the garage after getting a buyer set up I find out the bikes were gone and apparently Joshua and my BIL took the bike over to his place. I got mad and asked why they took the bike knowing I was planning on selling it and they told me I had no right to sell a family heirloom and after some arguing, I said fine and just said I didn’t want to see it ever again.
So there it remained over at my BIL’s garage. That’s what I thought anyways until Joshua turned 15 and apparently my BIl took him to go get his motorcycle license without telling me.
I caught him riding it home one day and he told me. I was furious asking why he would want to ride the thing after what happened with his mom and he just kinda shut down.
I tried to bar him from riding and I took the keys from him, but he’d constantly steal them back and go riding anyways. I just stop trying at that point and he’s been riding it ever since even after I got him a car.
He still lived with me while he was in school and just drives everywhere on that motorcycle even driving his partner around on it.
Last week they got into an accident on it, just some minor scraps and bruises thank god, but I was terrified and I decided to try selling it again hoping he’d realize how dangerous it is.
When a guy came to look at it Thursday Joshua came home early and was mad when he found out. He screamed at the guy to get lost and that the bike wasn’t for sale. I tried reasoning with him telling him I didn’t want to lose him like I lost his mom and that she literally died on that same bike.
He yelled at me that he didn’t care and rode off. I got a call from my BIL later telling me that Joshua had confided in him that riding was how he felt close to his mom and that I was being a jerk trying to take that away from him and I should just let it go already.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – The first time you tried to sell it was too soon. If you didn’t want to see it you should have taken it to your BIL. Then, when your son was old enough, you could have had a discussion with him and his uncle that you would not allow him to have the license until he was 18 but could drive a car.
After 18, it was no longer your decision. You could have sold it to your BIL at any time. You could have talked to your son about why it was so important to him and about your feelings. You didn’t. You decided to make unilateral decisions that affected him.” janess84
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. He has some audacity to call you up and try to guilt trip you about trying to keep your son safe because he went behind your back when your son was a minor and got him that license. This man does not respect you and does not care about keeping your son safe, he wants that boy on a motorcycle and has been teaching your son to disrespect you.
I think you’re a jerk cuz you came on here representing that you have a right to sell that motorcycle when it’s not even yours. It is your son’s and your brother-in-law’s. So you are trying to steal from your son and your brother-in-law, and have been creating a relationship with your son where your thoughts are more important than your son’s.
Stop trying to sell the motorcycle cuz you have no right to do so. It is not your property, and you need to figure out what your negotiation is with your relationship with your son because it sounds like you’re the one who needs to accept that your son is going to ride a motorcycle, you just need to decide if that’s going to happen while he lives in your house.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for wanting to sell a family heirloom that has sentimental value to your son and BIL without their approval/permission ESPECIALLY since it’s not even your property, for not talking to your son properly about this before making a big decision like that, for burdening your son with your own paranoia, but most of all for marrying and procreating with a biker from a biker family when you have nothing but disdain for motorcycles and wish that your son has nothing to do with this passion that his mom’s half of the family shares.
You knew she was a biker from the start and probably knew she would definitely get her kids (fathered by you or anyone else for that matter) into it as well way before marrying her. you never stopped her from riding with your son which played a huge role in creating a strong bond between them tightly connected to riding.
and then, when she was gone, you decided you could now erase all that nasty biker business from the memory of her and your son is in the way of that.
You care more about erasing the biker side of your wife than you do about the fact that your son is literally part of it now.
(Also, he’s an adult. he can do what he wants. You can get with the program or lose him as well. But maybe then you could REALLY get into that biker persona erasure you seem to crave so bad.)” MikrokosmicUnicorn
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You for trying to sell a bike that isn’t yours and refusing even to attempt to see why your son might want to ride it.
Your brother-in-law for illegally getting your minor son his motorcycle license against your wishes, and not respecting your wishes to keep the bike off your property.
Your son for knowingly going behind your back to do all of that with his uncle, and for repeatedly abusing his relationship with you by continuing to keep the bike at your house.
There’s a lot to unpack here but my god everyone in this story is a belligerent jerk.
Learn some communication skills and how to compromise.” deadeyeamtheone
5. AITJ For Being Angry At My Mom For Not Letting Me Go To A Family Event?
“I (16F) got into a fight with my mom about going to an event for my dad’s job.
My dad works for the government as a judge and got promoted, so there was a ceremony to swear him in. Everyone who was important to him was invited.
I didn’t know about the event until 11 pm the night before when my sister (11F) asked me if I was excited about the event. I thought that meant I would go too. But, I had a field hockey game at the same time, so my mom told me I couldn’t go.
I argued that my dad’s event was more important. She told me to talk to my dad instead.
So I go to talk to my dad, but before I finish talking, my mom comes and tells me I shouldn’t bother my dad with my whining.
She says I am selfish for wanting to skip my game. We argued about it until I shouted, ‘I don’t care about field hockey. I care about my family!’ My mom told me that I was being rude and selfish, and yelling at her in front of my dad at (now midnight) was terrible behavior.
In the morning I was able to convince my mom to let me go, and I had the time of my life. His best friend gave a speech to him. My mom had a reserved seat next to him, his mom got to help him put on his robe, and there was a professional photographer hired to take pictures.
My dad also invited old coworkers he was friends with.
Afterward, my family and my dad’s friends went out to dinner and we had a great time. I also apologized to my dad and sister for cursing in front of them and having a screaming match in the middle of the night.
Some important context about this story:
I am on junior varsity as a defensive sub. I only play in about a quarter of the game. The game in question had a 50-50 chance of being canceled due to rain.
My field hockey coach has been aggressive toward me.
She threatened to suspend me from the team, ban me from away games and left me crying in the stands after some of her lectures. The players also tend to pick on me. I’ve discussed quitting the team with my parents.
Everyone else in my household was going to my dad’s ceremony.
My grandmother had been driven in from out of state, my sister was getting picked up early from school, and my mom was leaving work early to go. Everyone would get to go but me. I wouldn’t even know about the event at all if my sister hadn’t told me.
I want to apologize to my for cursing at her and arguing in front of dad in the middle of the night, but I don’t regret my actions. I fully believe my dad’s event was more important and I can’t apologize when I’m not sorry.
I just feel like she made this situation by not telling me about the event. If I had known a couple of days earlier I could have emailed my coach that I needed to go to a family event and it wouldn’t have been a big deal. I don’t even know if she would ever have told me, or just would have kept me in the dark never knowing I was missing a special event.
Should I apologize?
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Don’t apologize at all to your mother as she single-handedly caused this whole situation!
But your own mother kept your dad’s swearing-in secret from you for a hockey game? No wonder you were so distressed and released such passionate emotions.
Would I be right in thinking that your dad had no idea you weren’t going? Sounds like your mum protects him a lot from being a hands-on Dad.
Your mum is a complete jerk here for keeping this significant event secret from you. She knew the date well ahead of time so you could have given ample notice to your coach.
I’m also concerned that you are being required to play a sport on a team that gives you very little enjoyment or satisfaction. Are they insisting you continue as it will look good for college applications?” AggravatingPatient18
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I honestly can’t understand how your mom didn’t even tell you about this obviously very important family event.
You are also old enough to decide on your own whether you rather want to play in one of many field hockey games or attend this once-in-a-lifetime (or at least a long while) event that honors your dad and that your whole family is present for.
Maybe you could apologize to your mom for the language you used and the way you spoke (‘having a screaming match’) while making it very clear that you still stand by the arguments you made and the content of what you said.” Temporary-Deer-6942
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for fighting to go to your dad’s ceremony. Regardless of what team you were on, even if you were a varsity starter your place was with your family on this occasion. This was a very big event for your dad and I get your desire to go.
I really don’t understand why your mom was fighting for you not to go, usually, it’s the other way around, parents want the kid to skip a game and the kid wants to go to the game. That said, you could have handled that better but that’s life and you learn from it.
Edited more to say: Yes please apologize, explain the frustration you have, and keep calm. It’s a discussion to explain yourself and apologize, don’t expect any validation of your view. Have this discussion with both your parents together.” StrongBat7365
4. AITJ For Taking A Shower When My Partner Needs To Pee?
“My partner and I have been together several years and live together in an apartment with one bathroom. Usually, before I shower, I ask him if he needs to use the toilet since sometimes my shower routine can be long (up to 30 minutes).
Last night, my partner was eating the snack I’d made him on the couch.
I went to use the toilet and while in the bathroom, decided to also take a quick (10 min) shower. For whatever reason, I didn’t think to ask my partner if he needed the toilet first – I figured it would be quick, he was eating, I don’t know.
A couple of minutes into the shower, he knocks on the door saying he has to pee really bad. I ask him if he needs to go immediately and he says yes. I rush out of the shower, covered in soap, and he is just sitting on the couch and doesn’t get up when I come out of the bathroom.
I’m not angry but given I just rushed out of the shower and am eager to get back in, I am a little annoyed he doesn’t seem to need the bathroom as urgently as he claims. I say ‘don’t you need to go pee?’ And he says, ‘why do you have such a bad attitude?
It’s not my fault you didn’t give me a chance to pee first.’ I say sorry and ask if he can hop to it because I want to continue my shower.
When I come out to sit on the couch with him once I am done showering, he is very angry with me.
He says I was narcissistic to not give him a chance to pee before I showered, then I was narcissistic to get angry at him for needing to pee. I told him I wasn’t angry, just a little thrown off, but I am now upset that I’m essentially in trouble for what seems like a minor incident… he ultimately peed and I ultimately showered, so where is the problem?
We went to bed without resolving this and today he is still upset with me. He says I’m selfish for what I did last night and is further upset with me for feeling like he is being mean about the situation.
Last night I felt like he was being crazy but today I am wondering if I am in the wrong here.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“So taking a shower is narcissistic? Wow. Projection… a classic narcissist move. Call the other guy a narcissist before they have a chance to see that they’re looking at a narcissist.
He pulls you out of the shower because he has to pee, and then doesn’t pee.
Did he really have to go so bad that he couldn’t wait til you got out on your own? Sounds like he’s all about control.
He’s gaslighting you. All you did was hop in the shower while he stuffed his face with a snack YOU made for him.
I’ll bet you’re the one who does all the cooking and cleaning too, am I right?
Do yourself a favor… don’t get pregnant. Life with this guy sounds awful.
NTJ” wordsmythy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This doesn’t make sense to me. He has no right to get all mad because you didn’t ask him if he needed to go potty before you took a shower.
He’s being a little petty. I also don’t understand why he couldn’t just pee while you were in there and then get out… But even if he couldn’t he definitely has no reason to be mad at you. It’s not like you know his mind or body.
Sometimes it’s just easier to get a shower when you’re already in there… And he held it anyway so clearly he was fine. If he’s still mad at you today after something this small something else might be going on.” AruaxonelliC
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You should be able to take a quick shower without him throwing a tantrum. 10 minutes is not a long time and he can pee outside if it’s that bad. He overreacted to something so trivial. Maybe something else is bothering him. Also, I reassure you that you are NOT narcissistic, selfish, or a jerk for wanting to take a quick shower.
He needs to calm down and ask himself why something so insignificant bothered him enough to throw such cutting accusatory words toward you. He might be using ‘narcissism’ too liberally here.” sweet_heart07
3. AITJ For Telling My Friend She Has No Right To Comment About Other People?
“I (F32) have a ‘friend’ who we’ll call Ellie (F32). I’ve known Ellie since we were around 7, and our mothers are good friends.
Ellie has had a very, very privileged life.
Her dad is a lawyer and her mom is a dentist, so as you can imagine, Ellie had a lot more luxuries and opportunities than your average person. She grew up going to private schools, having private tutors, going on fancy vacations every year, etc.
I won’t go into too much detail but I definitely didn’t have a life that was anything like Ellie’s.
Ellie never had to get a job until she went into a residency in medical school when she was 26.
When we finished high school at 18, Ellie initially went to business school for 2 years before dropping out, then pursuing medical school.
Her parents paid all of her tuition and all of her living expenses so Ellie never struggled financially and never had to worry about money. Plus her mother got Ellie volunteering opportunities so she could get references on her medical school applications.
Ellie is now a qualified pediatrician.
I’m glad she was able to find a career path she enjoys and I’m proud of her for finishing school. I know medical school is no walk in the park, I myself am a veterinarian.
A few weeks ago, we went to a town event and we bumped into some of my old friends from high school.
We chatted for a few minutes and one of them proudly mentioned she finished nursing school.
When we went to my house after the event, Ellie made a very rude comment about my old friend, saying that ‘I bet she was just too dumb to go to medical school’ and went on about how great she is.
I told Ellie that what she said was rude and uncalled for. Ellie said it was the truth. I snapped and told Ellie ‘you only became a doctor by getting handouts, you don’t get to make comments about other people’.
Ellie started yelling at me and telling me that I’m a jerk for undermining her hard work and that she still had to work for where she is now.
I told her that I know she still had to work hard, but most people don’t have parents who can pay all their tuition and living expenses, and she had it easier. Ellie called me a jerk again and said I’m ignorant, and that she still had to work hard.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
There are plenty of people who are intelligent enough for medical school but can only dream of becoming doctors due to classist barriers in place. A lot of medical schools have rules against students having jobs during their studies. Ellie sounds naive and sheltered.
Her comment was extremely rude and unnecessary. Nurses are literally essential for medical establishments to function. If she keeps this attitude up at work, she’s not going to have many friends.
Unfortunately, when it comes to higher education, intelligence and hard work frequently aren’t enough so her comment isn’t even true.” GreenRedCrescent
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here except for the friend who finished nursing school.
I will start with Ellie. There are many reasons why someone might choose nursing school over medical school. They might want hands-on direct care. They might not want to go to school that long.
They might have been touched by a nurse in their life. They might be wicked smart, but not in some of the ways that medical school admissions call for.
And then there are the many advantages she had. Everything from role models to cheerleaders. To not having to work even in undergrad.
To not needing to earn an income. To tutors. To potentially her having more flexibility about where she could attend school, funding, etc.
Ellie accomplished something very hard. Even with help. So did you. So did your friend. What bothers me most about Ellie is her need to diminish others to elevate herself.
I suspect there is a great deal of insecurity there.
Now, why you? She didn’t only become a doctor by getting handouts. She did have to do (and did) a ton of work. Give her her due! That said, you might have said something like: Ellie I am very proud of what all of us have accomplished. You, me, and our friend.
Not all of us started our journey on equal footing. You had lots of advantages in life that our friend never had. And it bothers me that you are diminishing her hard work and her accomplishments. I am sure it isn’t anything you are aware of — we all grow up how we grow up.
That said, it is worth thinking how much harder your journey to doctor would have been without some of those advantages.” tropicaldiver
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Ellie is a major jerk. Her intelligence and hard work were necessary components of her success. However, had she lost all support while an undergrad and been forced to completely fund and support herself, it seems likely she wouldn’t be a doctor now.
OP makes a valid point about the importance of a support system although referring to it as handouts is perhaps a poor word choice. And she could have addressed Ellie’s entitlement and jerk behavior in a fairer and more effective way.
The fact that Ellie doesn’t understand the benefit her privilege afforded her seems strange.
Was she that oblivious to other students? In every program and at every school (at least in the US), there are still students burdened with loans and jobs.
Ellie’s attack on the nurse was completely out of touch. So wrong on so many levels and disrespectful.
She’s so caught up in her own ego that she doesn’t understand that other people can willfully make different choices. Instead, Ellie’s out for a win and makes judgment calls based on her own warped criteria. It’s rather pathetic and concerning given her profession.” Mermaidtoo
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Ellie shouldn’t have demeaned her nursing friends for their achievements, that’s a jerk move. Nurses are just as important as doctors and get far less credit for it. You don’t see doctors wiping backsides, holding patients’ hands, or comforting families for long stretches.
She has an ego that perpetuates the cycle of doctors vs nurses.
But Ellie has worked hard to get where she is, despite being given ‘handouts’ she still had to study, take exams, and suffer through residency to get to where she is today. She has earned it through hard work.
Ellie definitely needs a reality check, but you can’t demean her achievements because of her family’s socio-economic status.” countingpickles
2. AITJ For Telling My Husband He's Wasting Water?
“Every single day my husband takes a shower. And every single day, before he takes a shower, he takes a dump. Normal, right? Except for the fact that the first thing he does as he walks into the bathroom is turn on a hot shower.
He then proceeds to do his business, watch videos on his phone, etc, for at LEAST 20 minutes (sometimes as long as 40-45 on a bad day) before he actually steps into the shower.
I get mad at him and tell him he’s wasting water all the time.
That turning on the water like that is wasting hot water (and water in general). His arguments vary from: ‘I don’t feel good, the steam helps’, ‘I pay for the water, I can use as much as I want,’ ‘We don’t live somewhere with drought or a third-world country, it doesn’t matter how much what I use here’ (we live in Ohio), etc. I’ve tried explaining to him that it doesn’t matter where you live, wasting water is bad for the environment and a trashy thing to do.
He always says some other form of his argument and carries on doing it every day.
Am I the jerk?
UPDATE: We have decided to buy a personal sauna (which uses about 2-4 liters of water) that he can hotbox in the mornings.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re having a repetitive argument that’s wasting both water and energy – both of your energy.
Install a timer on the shower (programmable ones are available) with a flow restriction valve. If he doesn’t get in the shower it can shut off.
And if your husband needs steam, there are better ways to do that than sitting and taking a dump.
And, oh, hemorrhoids from sitting.
NTJ, for wanting to save some water, and your husband’s third-world country comment alone makes him the jerk. There are plenty of places in the US with insufficient potable water. His ignorance is palpable.” tosser9212
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – unless he’s using all the hot water, and you are left with none/not enough.
My understanding here – is that there is 100% water reusage when it comes to something like a shower. So all the water that is used, runs through the system, gets purified, and goes back into the ecosystem.
So as long as there isn’t a capacity issue, and he’s willing to pay for it – I don’t see the big deal. Sure, there is some extra energy usage.
And I can see the argument for it being frivolous. But there is plenty of things people do that wastes electricity/resources. Christmas lights, holiday decorations, etc.” SDstartingOut
Another User Comments:
“The fact that he pays for the water makes this purely an environmental thing, and while I’m not really going to call him a jerk for that, I think he’s a jerk just for the stubborn stupidity of it all.
I think we all cherry-pick environmental stuff that suits us, we’ll complain that someone else wastes water while we drive big cars everywhere. I think if he’s a jerk for wasting water like that, then we’re probably all jerks.
But I think he is a jerk just for the stubbornness of it all.
I mean, letting it run for a few minutes just because it’s nice to step into a steamy shower, OK, but 20 minutes is ridiculous, and 45 minutes almost sounds like he has OCD or something, some issue that means he is very rigid about sticking to patterns and habits.
NTJ.” Click_To_Sign_In
1. AITJ For Telling My Sister She Deserved To Be Kicked Out Of The House?
“Most of my (28m) older siblings and I moved out after living with our parents to save funds for our own house.
There are still a couple of siblings still living in the family home to save funds for their own place. This situation involves my younger sister Jess (27f).
My family immigrated to the US several decades ago. We are a very family-oriented culture. It’s a common thing in our culture for children to live with their parents well into adulthood.
It’s expected that we pitch in to make the family stronger. For example, when I was younger, I had a hard time with math so my older cousin tutored me every day. Another example is that older family members regularly babysit the younger siblings and cousins.
Jess lives with my parents (since graduating college) doesn’t have to pay rent, and they pay for the food. There’s been an ongoing argument between them because she keeps to herself and doesn’t help out with the family. For example, my aunt asked her to tutor our little cousin in chemistry and she refused, saying it was not her job.
Another time an uncle asked her to babysit and she refused by saying she didn’t have the children so it was not her responsibility. Things got bad recently.
The last straw came when dad cooked dinner the night before and everyone was running late the next day.
Since she was going to be the first one home, he texted her and asked her to heat up dinner for the family. When they got home, nothing was done so he asked her about it. She said she heated her dinner and ate. She went on to say they’re adults and it’s not her job to take care of them.
It blew into a huge argument.
Dad accused her of not being part of the family and her attitude was not part of our culture. She answered that we live in the US, not in the old country and the culture here is that people take care of their own children and themselves.
She told him the kids are not her money so it’s not her circus. Dad was furious and fired back saying she can’t pick and choose the parts of different cultures that only benefit her. He went on to say that Americans leave the house at 18 and it’s not part of American culture to allow a 27-year-old live at home so he kicked her out.
She called me crying saying that she was now homeless and that our dad is a jerk. I told her that our parents paid for her schooling so she has 2 degrees and no debt. They also allowed her to live there rent-free and even paid for her food so she’s been able to save up close to $75,000.
I told her that it was true she was homeless but she was not helpless. With her job and savings, she can stay at a nice hotel and have an apartment tomorrow. I told her I also agree when he said she can’t pick and choose to follow only the cultural parts that only benefit her.
She called me a jerk like dad then hung up.
Am I a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were right. The problem here is that while it might be culturally normal for adults to stay at home for some time, it is not normal to raise them with the belief they are entitled to not contribute to the family.
Your parents did not disavow her belief much earlier in this so she was never prepped to understand the difference in expectations for her as an adult living at home.
Based on how this evolved I don’t think he should have immediately kicked her out.
Since she has the resources he should have given her a week to get a place. It’s not surprising she reacted this way because obviously she has always been given things and never held accountable for her behavior before.
Now she will have to learn a painful lesson.” Special-Parsnip9057
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You stand by the family ‘culture’ and there’s nothing wrong with that. She doesn’t, and apparently hasn’t in some time. She has that right.
As long as she doesn’t come crawling to you for help with her homework, resume, job contacts, or whatever, she’s free to live as she chooses.
You choose the ‘family culture’ and you’re not wrong either.
Do you want to maintain a great relationship with her? Does she want that? Then find a middle ground that exists just between the two of you. Otherwise, let her go.” Dangerois333
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but also your dad can’t legally kick her out with no notice. He’s not wrong for kicking her out, and I doubt she would pursue legal action, but what he did was an illegal eviction.
I also understand that tempers were high and you feel strongly that your dad was right.
You might not mind blowing up your relationship with your sister. But in general, if someone you want to maintain a relationship with calls you for emotional support, it’s kinder to just empathize without passing judgment. It’s not that you’re wrong to have an opinion, but your sister called you panicked and upset.
Your relationship would have survived better if you had just listened and empathized. Maybe help her find somewhere to stay.
Once she’s in a stable position then you could call her out. As it stands she called you when she was scared and just got more judgment.
She likely won’t go to you the next time she’s upset. You might be fine with that, but you should understand that the way you responded to her created a gap between the two of you.” BumbleBug_423
Another User Comments:
“I’m going with ‘everyone sucks here.’
The only thing I disagree with your sister not doing is reheating the food. That’s a simple courtesy when someone else has bought and cooked it for you. As for the rent, that was your parents’ prerogative.
But I don’t agree with Jess being obligated to tutor or babysit.
Others are not entitled to her time, whether they’re family or not.” Sarah_J_J
She has the education to support herself and pay her own bills. Your sister has the money for a good down payment on a house or condo. She wants the freedom to live an American lifestyle, she needs to accept the responsibilities that come with it. Both cultures come with responsibilities so she had to accept the one she chose.
