People Get Serious About These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
20. AITJ For Asking A Man To Turn Off His Car Headlights In A Restaurant?
“Am I the jerk for asking a person to turn off their headlights?
My husband (33m) and I (30f) wanted to have a nice evening with our 2-year-old child. We took our child to a dinosaur exhibit and wanted to get dinner afterward. We went to a Mexican place where you seat yourself.
This restaurant had a water feature that created a wall of bubbles. Of course, our 2-year-old is going to want to sit next to the bubbles. We got there just as the dinner rush was beginning so the tables quickly began to fill up.
I told my husband to sit down so we could get a good spot and I’ll get the food.
As soon as I sat down with the food an SUV with LED headlights pulled into the parking lot facing directly into the restaurant right where we were seated and the direction in which our 2-year-old was facing.
My kid squinted their eyes. And I raised my hand to block my child’s eyes so he could continue to eat in peace.
I didn’t think anything much of the lights at first, yes the restaurant was lit up like mid-day but I figured the person was getting out of their car and the lights would be off in a minute or so. I kept eating and moved my hand to protect my child’s eyes.
My husband was getting visibly annoyed though because no one had gotten out of the car after it had parked several minutes ago. Finally in walked a man around our age, but the lights were still on. My husband politely said, “Sir could you please turn off your lights?” To which the man just grumbled something.
At this point, it had easily been 10 minutes with his lights facing us. Yes, we tried moving our kid, but he began to cry because he wanted to sit by dad/ the bubbles and we didn’t want to disturb the other patrons. Me moving to a different spot would not have helped because I’m woefully short and my child refuses to eat unless he is standing so my shadow wouldn’t have protected his eyes.
And again this was peak dinner hour so there was nowhere else to sit.
My husband again asked the man “Sir could you please turn off the lights?” This time the man replied, “No, my family is in there.” My husband said, “We aren’t asking for you to turn off your car, just the lights”.
He grumbled and walked away to see the menu but came back on the phone walked right next to and spoke loudly while making faces to us to show his displeasurement. He tried to walk away when I told him he was the one willfully blinding people and using the excuse that your family was in the car when again we just asked that you turn the LEDs off, not the car.
He began to berate us and further words were exchanged between us. Which then caused the man to become further angry. He sarcastically said “You guys are being great examples to your kid right now” and I told him “Yes we are teaching him to stand up for himself against the likes of people who think that it’s ok to blind a 2-year-old with LED lights”
So, am I, the jerk for asking a man to turn off their lights?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- for what reason does he need his headlights on? These things have become so bright there ought to be some new agency regulating these things. It’s getting ridiculous and I’m sure it’s caused countless accidents.” [deleted]
19. AITJ For Encouraging My Self-Conscious Partner To Sing At Karaoke Night?
“I 25(F) love Karaoke nights with my friends. We have a bar that does it every Saturday and we are almost always there. My partner doesn’t join and usually goes and does something else. He has a good voice, but he is very self-conscious about it.
Apparently, in high school, he was singing during youth group one day and a girl leaned over to him and said, “If you aren’t going to try to sing then don’t sing at all.” He says since then he doesn’t like letting most people hear him sing as he feels he doesn’t have a good voice.
I’ve tried convincing him to come with us for months now that his singing voice is good and that what that girl said was cruel but he has to try to move on. I promised he didn’t have to sing and he could instead just watch and enjoy our company.
Saturday he agreed to come.
We were all taking turns and singing and having fun. Friends would ask him what he was going to sing and he kept saying that “Karaoke isn’t his thing.” As the night went on and drinks were flowing I guess people kept asking him to try and he was starting to consider it.
He gave me a look like he wanted my opinion on it and I said, “I won’t make you sing but it may be good for you to try.” The whole group agreed so he went and selected his song.
I don’t know if it was the nerves, song, or the booze but he admittedly wasn’t very good.
Was off-key even for Karaoke and he wasn’t great with the timing. He’s usually better. However, when it ended I still gave him a big cheer and my friends cheered too. The rest of the place was pretty silent minus a few claps here and there.
He sits down and is friendly with everyone for a minute then he tells me he wants to go home. I asked if we could stay just a bit longer. He said that I could and left. He left telling everyone he was feeling tired.
When I got home he went ballistic on me saying that I pressured him to sing and that it was extremely embarrassing for him to see my friends pity clap him and the rest of the place just silent and awkward. I don’t believe I pressured him but he said that not shutting down my friends requesting him to sing was endorsing it, which I understand but feel my friends weren’t that insistent and that he was good.
We cheered him afterward and we gave a bunch of compliments. I can’t control how he is feeling about others and while they maybe shouldn’t have kept asking, he is fully capable of refusing their requests. He slept on the couch that night and the past few days hasn’t wanted to hang out or talk.
I feel he’s overreacting and making a bigger deal than it needs to be. My friends agree that he shouldn’t be acting like this. They feel if he is this self-conscious about this then he should take singing lessons instead of taking his insecurities out on me who was only trying to help and share a hobby of mine.
Maybe I should have said something or just shouldn’t have invited him to Karaoke. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m going with YTJ, no means no, and some people can’t deal with pressure like that. You can only say no so many times before it’s too much.
Plus they are your friends, you should have had his back and told them to stop as well. It seems like you wanted him to do it just as much as they did which is why you let them keep pushing him.” Flashy_Bridge8458
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No one forced him to sing, and he is perfectly capable of not succumbing to friendly peer pressure. Encouraging him to go and hang out while leaving the singing to be his decision was perfectly handled on your part. Don’t let that bother you.
You and your friends cheering for him after the performance was also a nice gesture. No one expects a stellar performance at a karaoke bar anyway, so hopefully he’ll get over it. Though it was difficult to have the crowd reaction feed his insecurity, that doesn’t allow him to blame you.
Continuing to be angry and sulk for days afterward is immature on his part” C_Greuel04
Another User Comments:
“YTJ- sorry girl but he’s right. You should’ve told them to stop. He has told you over and over he’s insecure about this, you should’ve told your friends beforehand to not pressure him.
He repeatedly said no. He asked your opinion. Ultimately he didn’t have to go sing but to be put on the spot like that and not have anyone on your side is kinda of messed up. This isn’t how you support your partner and I hope you take the time to realize that.
Also, singing lessons? How about just respecting that he doesn’t want to sing in front of other people? Your friends sound rude” [deleted]
18. AITJ For Being Upset About My Coworker Disrespecting My Workspace?
“I (29 female) started working for this company in the spring of 2021, a year after my coworker, we’ll call her Claire (26 female). Claire and I have always gotten along and even talked outside of work however our relationship wasn’t nearly what I thought it was once promotions became a discussion.
She came to me one day about a year ago and said that she and our manager were speaking about who would be promoted once our new branches opened up.
He said that I would more than likely be his pick for AGM. She then told me that if I were to get that promotion over her she would quit.
I hid the fact that I was hurt and just assured her that I wouldn’t take it even if it was offered due to my schedule. We discussed it further and I told her that the only management position I would consider was sales manager, and her face lit up as she fervently agreed. That was the end of that, or so I thought.
Fast forward to a couple of months ago, our company took on a new system and our General manager tasked me as well as her to learn it. I did so quickly and our manager was pleased with this and spoke with me about us needing a new sales manager!
That next day he gave me a spot in the back office and told me to organize it how I’d like and that this was now my designated area. I worked all day getting it set up and when Claire arrived at work and saw me sitting at the desk she turned to our current AGM and said “That’s it I quit”.
I tried to talk to her and say that her time was coming and not to think too much of it but her demeanor towards me wasn’t very pleasant. I didn’t even get a congratulations.
Fast forward again, she is promoted to front desk manager.
I’m super happy for her but she’s still not happy because her position doesn’t warrant a desk space and she would still have to stay with the front desk. I even offered to rearrange the office to make room for her but our GM said it’s the brand restrictions, FDM’s just don’t get a desk.
Shortly after every time I would come back to work from the weekend I would find things rearranged at my desk and I would be logged out of my computer. (I only locked it because it is very slow to log you back in if you log out.) I knew it was her so I asked her to please keep things the way they were if she was to use my computer.
She of course became defensive stating that she only uses it because she has to, she doesn’t have a computer. Which isn’t true, she has the front desk, but that’s not the issue.
I came into work today on a day off to discuss some things and she was at my desk, my personal belongings were knocked over, her cup was sitting on the brand new full coverage mousepad that I just bought and she had random fast food sauce packets laid along the desk.
I tried to ask her about it and she just said “Oh I was leaving those there for you.” I just left because I didn’t want to say anything rude.
I know it sounds petty but it feels disrespectful. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Maybe speak to your manager about it, there is no reason for her to be in your space.
Document it, and send an email saying that she needs to respect your workspace as you are in two different departments, no need to be in your area. She isn’t your friend, she is your colleague, so treat her as such.” DontAskMeChit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Go to your boss and explain the situation. Her behavior is disruptive and very counterproductive to the normal workings of the office. She shouldn’t be using your computer at all and that boundary needs to be set by your boss. But you also need to grow a spine and kick her out of your desk.
She has no business at your desk. Don’t let her bully you, that is unacceptable in any work environment.” Mustng1966
17. AITJ For Staying Up Late To Game Despite My Partner's Bedtime?
“My fiance, Molly (28f), and I (28m) moved in together 4 months ago. I love having her around all the time, but we’ve run into a conflict with “bedtime”. Before moving in our relationship was long-distance, so all our time together was very intentionally spent. If we had a planned night out we’d end up back home at the same time ready to go to bed and if we stayed in we’d watch TV or a movie to end the night.
Now that we are living together we’re finding we have different day-to-day habits.
Molly likes to go to bed around 10 pm and has a long wind-down routine that starts at 9 pm. I usually stay up until midnight to play games online with friends. Most of my buds have wives and families so getting online at 9 or 10 pm is the only time we can get together without cutting into family time.
The problem is Molly is a very light sleeper. I always do my best to be as quiet as possible when coming to bed, but usually end up waking her.
She has mentioned how this bothers her before and is now insisting I go to bed at the same time as her.
Her point of view is she gets very anxious about getting woken up or gets anxious when she is woken about sleep she is missing, both of which lead to less sleep for her. She also thinks playing games is immature and it’s childlike to stay up late because of them.
I love playing games! It’s a very fun and accessible hobby that keeps me connected with friends. It’s what I use to unwind. I rarely scroll through my phone or watch TV on my own in the evenings. I try to give a lot of credit to Molly’s concerns and am very intentional about not spending multiple nights in a row online.
As a result, I usually play 2-4 nights a week at most since she moved in.
I think it is very reasonable for me to spend some evenings up late to enjoy my way of unwinding and partake in a hobby that keeps me connected with friends.
I stayed up last night to do so and it started a fight when I came to bed. She said I need to stop staying up because it’s against her wishes and start coming to bed whenever she does or start sleeping somewhere else in the house.
When Molly moved to my city she had to quit her job. We agreed she would take three months off to enjoy some free time, get adjusted to a new life, and take time to find a job she likes. She hasn’t gotten a job yet (which is fine) and is talking about not going back to work.
I’m the only one who has to get up for work in the morning. My sleep schedule is 12 am – 6:30 am during the week and hers is 10 pm – 9:30 am.
Since I am fully supporting us I think she can give up the 15-30 minutes it takes to fall back asleep so I can stay up and enjoy myself a few nights a week since she gets to sleep in every day.
Maybe I’m being too entitled to what I want and not valuing my partner’s needs enough. So tell me, AITJ and would it be different if she had a job she had to get up for?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re allowed to have hobbies to decompress.
By your account, she sleeps at least 11 hours each day! It seems like more than enough for an adult, even if she wakes up when you go to bed. You do need to find a compromise, otherwise your relationship just won’t work. Living together isn’t easy and often you have to find the middle ground.
You need your alone time and to hang with friends” junior
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I would have Molly go and see a doctor, because I think she sleeps an unhealthy amount. 11 and a half hours is an awful lot. I also think it is unreasonable to demand that an adult go to bed at 10 o’clock.
You are also allowed to have time to do whatever you like. The fact that Molly finds gaming childish is a problem. It is disrespectful for one thing. You might have come back with that she sleeps like a 5 yo (I don’t recommend that). But if a relationship is going to work there has to be basic respect for each other and the way you want to spend your time.
I would like to warn you about two things: 1. Don’t allow your Molly to live off you indefinitely. That is an undignified way of living, especially for her. For you, it is expensive and may prove difficult to get out of if you should want to do that sometime down the line.
2. Don’t have a child with Molly till you have negotiated a reasonable balance in your relationship. Under this bullet: Found a way of respecting each other’s habits and hobbies.” FragrantEconomist386
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. One of the underrated qualities you need in a partner is reliability.
Can you rely on them to not change plans without consulting you, and if the situation changes, can you rely on them to react predictably? You had a plan (move in, three months off work, then back to two incomes) and she is not sticking to the plan.
She moved in with you, knowing you gamed for social interaction, and now she says it is offputting. She doesn’t seem like a reliable partner! The other thing is the traditional status of sleep pattern respect is 1 growing kids 2 new Moms 3: primary income earner.
4-8 others, 9: nonworking adults in the home who have the option to take naps during the day. The fact that she is demanding you respect her sleep schedule over your when you are providing the majority of income is concerning to me. You are NTJ, and you need a DTR with your partner soon.” Sad_Construction_668
16. AITJ For Leaving After My Partner Criticized Me For Making a Joke?
“So, last night my partner (27M) and I (23F) got in a fight. Things got heated but we seemed to have resolved it, though things had seemed a bit tense today after I came home from work. We’ve been together for 3 and a half years, living together the past year in case that’s relevant.
I was cooking us dinner and my partner was on the couch trying to watch TV. Our firestick is kind of broken but not really, you have to shake it a bit first and hold it at a specific angle to get it to work.
Anyway, I’m in the kitchen when I hear my partner complain that our TV is a piece of junk and we need a new one, so I go over to do the shaking method and manage to get his show on for him.
After this, I jokingly said “I’m a genius!
I should start a side hustle in tech support.” He responds “Way to make me feel like an idiot, you’re not even that smart.” I was taken aback by this and said “Excuse me? There’s no need to be nasty, I just helped you.”
Then he just laughed and said, “Is your ego that big that you can’t take a bit of criticism?” I didn’t even know how to respond to that, so I just stared at him in silence for a bit. I was angry at this point, so I told him that I didn’t want to be near him right now so I was going over to my sister’s place until he could be mature and treat me with respect.
I left immediately after that, and that’s where I am as I write this. It’s been 2 hours and I’ve gotten a few texts from my partner. He’s alternated between saying sorry and he shouldn’t have been rude, to calling me dramatic and telling me I could’ve at least finished making dinner first. This makes his apology seem a bit fake in my eyes.
I’m not sure if I’m the jerk because it definitely could’ve been an overreaction due to unresolved feelings from our fight last night, and it’s not like he yelled or anything. Plus, maybe I should’ve finished cooking dinner first or stayed to work things out instead of just storming away.
I also think he may have taken offense to the side hustle comment since he got laid off from his job 6 months ago and he could’ve seen it as a dig against him, especially since that’s what our fight last night was about.
I’m the sole provider of the house right now and it’s starting to wear on me, all my money goes to bills and groceries and I haven’t been able to afford to do anything even remotely fun for myself. I told my partner I couldn’t handle paying both halves of the rent and that he needed to be trying harder to find a new job, or at least work part-time to help with bills.
So because of that, the comment might’ve hurt him although it wasn’t my intention at all when I said it. I was just making a stupid joke and it didn’t go the way I expected.
I’m conflicted because I do feel super disrespected, but I also might be making a bigger deal out of this than it should be.
Also, his reaction could be because of our fight yesterday, and what I said may have hurt him somehow.
So AITJ for how I reacted to my partner’s criticism?”
Another User Comments:
“You aren’t making near enough of a deal out of this. I would have dumped him on the spot.
Can’t be with a man who uses any excuse as a reason to degrade me. Yes, I’m a woman and yes I have a partner and I can’t imagine any scenario where my partner would say anything remotely like that to me. Almost 3 years not a single mean word said to me.” BriefHorror
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Sounds like HE’S the one whose ego was hurt. You weren’t being malicious towards him, just making a joke. And he turned around and insulted you. And then texting you that you’re being dramatic? Doesn’t sound like someone sorry or trying to fix the situation.” Motor-Cheesecake-835
Another User Comments:
“NTJ…. So you make all the money, make dinner, and fix the TV while he sits there watching TV and calling you not that smart. Oh, and he wants YOU to buy a new TV. Please do yourself a favor and determine if this was ‘just’ a one-time thing or if has he pretty much been treating you like this for a while.
Red flags for continuing this relationship are all I see. Ask yourself why you are trying to find excuses for him. He said you aren’t that smart… That has nothing to do with anything other than he’s trying to keep you small. He wants you to do everything but feel like you aren’t EVERYTHING (or someone special).” Just-a-Florida-mom
15. AITJ For Setting Rules For My Adult Son I'm Financially Supporting?
“I (40F) am a divorced mom of a 20-year-old son, Erick. The father is not in the picture. Two years ago he left to study at a big university in another city, but ever since then, he has been unsure if he wants to continue on such a path.
Up to today, I have been paying for all his expenses: school, food, clothes, rent, vacations, gas, and everything because he does not work as I want him to focus on his studies. I don’t mind this, even though it has made me take a second job so that I can afford his expenses there (I truly don’t mind, the reason why I’m saying it, is because it is relevant).
Erick lives with my brother (47M), who is single, so we share expenses there. Now, since last term, his grades have been low, barely passing the classes, and now he decided to take a new path because he doesn’t like his current major. I didn’t like that, but I supported him because I understand that at 20 it is not always easy to make a choice that tough as to what to do for a living.
Anyway, he doesn’t know what to study, so he is starting a second major, drama, just to see if he likes that. In total, he takes 8 classes in both majors, 3 of which have minimum credits so that doesn’t take more than an hour a week of work.
I found out a week ago that he has not been handing in his assignments and that he is arriving very late to my brother’s house, after midnight. I hadn’t asked him to have a specific time to arrive home, until now, because I’m tired of this.
He said I was overreacting and began claiming that his grades were not my problem and were only his responsibility, he was very rude to me, and I lost it. So, I decided to set rules and gave him 2 options: 1. if he doesn’t want me to keep asking him about school and that I treat him like an adult, then he has a month to get a job and live “rule-free”.
2. I will continue supporting him, but I am requiring him to get at least a B- in his GPA and to arrive on weekdays at 10:00 pm so that he does his chores on time (he hasn’t been doing chores because he is “too busy”). Mind you, he doesn’t have any reason to be out until after midnight on weekdays.
He says I am being unfair, that I am being too controlling, and that I should “let him do his thing”. He is threatening no contact because I want to control his life. The thing is, he is turning into an entitled person and I do think that if he wants me to support him economically, he should respect my rules because, after all, I truly don’t think either of my options is asking for too much.
I refuse to fall into his emotional blackmail and yes, I am very aware that my possible enabling over the last couple of years has caused him to think he can step over me over and over again, and I’m just done (he wasn’t like this before, but since he “moved out” he thinks he is independent, which he’s not, and has developed this attitude).
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and this is most definitely one of those “hills” to die on. You are correct in thinking he’s become entitled, and he has to learn that life isn’t fair, and for many people it sucks. You’re an ATM for him, and he has to learn there are ramifications to life decisions.
I’m guessing others have said this too, but sounds a lot like he’s partying away without a care in the world.” hockeynoticehockey
Another User Comments:
“Mostly NTJ, you’re paying everything for him so I do not find it unreasonable to have some conditions he needs to meet for that to continue.
It’s not like you’re demanding he does certain courses or anything, you’re letting him choose what he wants to do. The parts where, while I get where you’re coming from, I don’t 100% agree with you are the actual conditions. The B- GPA is maybe a bit too much, having him hand in all his assignments on time is fair enough though.
Being home by 10 pm is also a bit much as he’s 20 and in uni so he’s going to want to go out with friends which sometimes results in staying out late. As long as he does his chores at your brother’s place then I wouldn’t care about what time he gets home.” herbz_21
Another User Comments:
“Without knowing much else about your relationship, I’d have to say NTJ, but with some caveats. You’ve done a lot to support him monetarily, so he should recognize and respect that. BUT… There is likely a bigger reason his grades are suddenly slipping.
He may need emotional support rather than just monetary. What’s going on there? I think some sort of deeper conversation is probably due between the two of you. Also, a 10 PM curfew for a 20-year-old might be a little much. I’d say as long as his grades start coming up and trending upwards, he shouldn’t need a curfew.” woterm8lon
14. AITJ For Not Using Money From My Step-Dad To Buy A New Cooker?
“Me and my partner made the hard decision to move in with my grandma two years ago to care for her following her dementia diagnosis. She’d had an accident and we realized she could no longer be trusted by herself. Not long after moving in with her, I and my partner discovered we were having a baby.
When we moved in, we realized a fair majority of my grandma’s appliances needed replacing due to their age and condition.
We decided to focus on one thing at a time for financial reasons, and not trying to change anything for my grandma too fast too soon.
The fridge/freezer was the first to break, so was the first we replaced. I paid in monthly installments, and once paid off we started looking at washing machines as her old one was leaking, the door was broken, and was moldy inside.
I got into a discussion with my parents one day, where I said I’d be getting a new cooker after the washing machine but I couldn’t afford to yet as I’d be getting the washing machine in monthly installments.
My stepdad handed me a wad of cash and told me to buy the cooker with it.
We found the ideal cooker that was almost identical to the one my grandma currently has and therefore felt she’d be most comfortable with it, so we went to order it where we discovered it was out of stock everywhere.
We couldn’t find anything remotely like it for the sake of my grandma. So we waited and waited for it to come back in stock, but unfortunately, it didn’t.
By this point, my partner was 6/7 months pregnant but started falling severely ill with preeclampsia, where she was rushed to the hospital in the end, put in an intensive care unit, and had our baby six weeks early.
My head was a mess for a long time, even when they were both home and doing well I was struggling a fair bit with postnatal depression due to everything and the last thing on my mind was buying a new cooker.
Since then, all my stepdad has done is start arguments with me for not buying the new cooker.
Followed by him and my mum splitting up last summer and him taking it out on me further.
A month or two ago, he asked for his money back, to which I sent him straight away without an argument. I admitted to him that I could understand and appreciate his frustrations as he had gifted us the money to buy a new cooker with it, and we just never got around to it.
But despite agreeing with him and giving him his money back, he’s still bringing it up to me constantly to start arguments and also keeps taking it out on my mum and complaining about me to her when they talk.
Whilst I do accept he has a right to be mad at me for not getting a cooker, life just pretty much took over and we didn’t get the chance.
It was significantly harder with my grandma and her dementia in mind too and not wanting to change too much for her.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Life happens, stuff happens, and balancing trying to have a functional home while keeping the mental stability of your gram in mind isn’t a small undertaking WHILE your wife is pregnant.
If it bothered Dad so much, he’d retrieve the money and buy it himself to lend you guys a hand. Not rag on you for having other priorities” Suitable_cataclysm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If he wanted you to use that money to get a cooker, he could have bought the cooker for you himself.
Also, if he had an ounce of empathy or compassion he would see that you are struggling. A baby in the NICU and a partner in the hospital are infinitely more important than a slow cooker. It was rude for him to even ask for the money back, but you sent it right away so he has NO right to be angry.” the-red-shoes
13. AITJ For Accidentally Upsetting My Mom with a Phone Contact Nickname?
“I love my mother very much, we have always had a rough relationship, she has some serious childhood trauma that affects her to this day. It took me a long time to realize what had happened to her when she was very young & how deeply it affected her daily life.
She has a lot of insecurities & anger.
Saturday afternoon I was picking up my niece to have a sleepover at my place. While there, my mom lost her phone & asked me to call it. I pulled out my phone & said “Hey Siri, call ‘Mommy Dearest’.
“
I didn’t think much of it and went on to have a fun time.
The following night my Mom picked her up & I joined to borrow my Sister’s car. As we were riding in the car I asked my Mom how her day was at work followed by sharing all the things we did together.
Out of nowhere/irrelevant to the conversation my Mom asks “Why do you have me in your phone as ‘Mommy Dearest’ ?” She had an angry/accusatory tone.
I was taken aback by the sudden turn, I knew it had probably been bothering her for a while.
I asked her how it made her feel. She kind of shut down. More directly I then asked if she found it insulting. She said yes. I told her one of my friends had done this & I thought it was cute so I did it too.
I let her know I didn’t intend to hurt her feelings or make her angry. I then apologized & deleted it from my phone.
I stepped away for a bit. She was a little icy the rest of the night & I gave her some space, she seemed fine later.
I feel like this is an overreaction on her part & just an example of how this trauma some 50+ years affects her daily life & relationships. No family is “normal.” I do feel frustrated that this was something I’ve had to put together on my own.
In the past few years, I have been demonized by her siblings for trying to find ways for her to heal & address what happened.
Aside from my Aunt who was a victim of the same trauma, everyone else just gaslights me. They are adamant that nothing ever happened and have all pushed me away.
My Mom blew up at my Niece and Sister for other similarly minor things. They have had to come over to my house at midnight to get away from my Mom’s rage and destructive outbursts.
I love my Mom, but I do feel the need for feedback.
I mean, in a family where everyone is against one person, indeed; that person is often the jerk. I just feel like they are jerks who will refuse to understand the importance of mental health and will continue to sweep it all under the rug.
I just want to help her to find ways to heal if even in a small way for the benefit of all involved, most especially her.”
Another User Comments:
“For context for some who may not know, there was a movie in the 70s or 80s I think called Mommie Dearest and it was based on Christina Crawford’s autobiography about being the adopted daughter of Golden Age Hollywood actor Joan Crawford.
Christina claimed Joan severely mistreated her and her brother. NTJ. I have the Imperial March for my wife’s ringtone..” My_friends_are_toys
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I do not doubt that you had no idea of the context and connotations of “Mommy Dearest” before now.
It *sounds* like it should be respectful and loving. That being said. If your mother goes ape because you have her in your phone as Mommy Dearest, then she’s being a bit Mommy Dearest. She could have just asked you to change it. Her trauma doesn’t give her the right to treat you badly.
Change her contact to her full name. Do not mention that she’s your mother. If she complains? You thought nicknames were unacceptable.” Natural_Garbage7674
Another User Comments:
“NTJ…it’s your phone right, what you label her as is up to you, but if you’re going to leave it out for her to see then use code or expect her to get upset.
For me I had my mother labeled under ma and my ringtone for her would change sometimes it was the song from Wizard of Oz when the munchkins sing about the witch or it was something else depending on how mad I was at her.” Illustrious_Pride_44
12. AITJ For Wanting To Join My Stepfather and Stepbrothers On Their Trip To Italy?
“I (14f) am what you would call a mistake. My parents had my brother (22M) and didn’t want any more children after that but here I am. They always tell me differently but I know I caused their divorce. After they got divorced my mom went back to Korea and my dad moved to a different city, so I was left with my brother.
I was 9 when they divorced so my brother was around 17 when he had to take care of me.
Everything was going well until my brother got a partner when I was 12. He started to spend less time with me (I was ok with that) but I don’t think she liked me very much.
He started to get mad at me over nothing and then one day decided he couldn’t take care of me anymore. They both sat me down and said that they thought it was best if I went back to Korea with my mom. I’ll admit I got very upset about this and my brother got angry and told me that I took away his childhood (when my parents were still together he took care of me a lot).
He said sorry after but I never forgave him, I wish I did because maybe then he would’ve kept me.
I went back to Korea for about 6 months before my mom moved back to the USA because her partner proposed to her, my stepdad (40M).
They are engaged now and he has two kids from another marriage, 16M and 12M. My older stepbrother is nice to me most of the time but my younger one is mean to me a lot (he calls me fat and makes jokes about no one loving me).
I’m not close with my stepfather but we are okay with each other, and I thought we were getting closer until now.
We were having dinner yesterday and my younger stepbrother brought up that he, his brother, and my stepfather are going to Italy for a father-son trip for like a week.
I haven’t gone on a vacation since I was 7 so I asked if I could go. Everything got awkward and then my younger stepbrother said no you can’t it’s for my dad and his kids, my stepfather tried to let me down gently and said that my mom would take me for a girl’s day while they were gone.
(I don’t think a trip to Italy = a girl’s day but whatever). I picked up that I wasn’t wanted so I stopped talking but I started crying I don’t know why. My younger stepbrother then said I should go do things with my dad and stop stealing his.
This made me sad because all of them already knew that my dad didn’t care for me and was busy with his new family (his own words). My stepfather didn’t say anything but my older stepbrother told him to shut up. My mom didn’t say anything.
I ran up to my room after and kept crying. My older stepbrother tried to get me to come down but I wasn’t talking to anyone. They are leaving tomorrow and I don’t know if it was wrong to try and go. Maybe it’s too early to be doing stuff like that with my stepfather.
I just wish I was wanted by someone, somewhere in my life.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You have 4 more years, OP. Get your passport save some money move back to the US and cut everyone off. You can work and make your own family and friends.
You’re not unwanted. Leave all of these people behind. Just grit your teeth and look up Grey rocking and do that.” queenlegolas
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ! In my opinion, when you marry someone with kids you have to be able to accept those kids as part of your new family.
No more his kids and her kids, they are now your kids. It sounds like your stepfather has failed miserably at this.” LawfulnessRemote7121
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First of all, I’m so sorry sweetie, you deserve a loving future and I hope you accomplish that soon!
If no one has told you this, you are amazing! Don’t let those things get in your head, stay strong, and as soon as you get the chance, go build yourself a good life! Try to talk to your stepdad and your mom in private about how you feel, open up if they want to see you happy, and things will change.” Massive-Sprinkles-54
11. AITJ For Moving Out To Gain Independence Despite My Parents' Disapproval And Ongoing Family Conflicts?
“I am a 21F and have moved out of my parent’s home after securing a job in the same city.
My parents were initially revolted by the idea, of course, because “what will other people say?” and “it is a financially naive decision”.
Although I quite agree with the second one, my reasons for moving out were threefold:
1) I have been the youngest child and frankly am quite coddled and pampered (I didn’t need to lift a finger back home) so I wanted to grow and improve as a person.
My sister who lives in the UK was fully supportive of this decision.
2) Restrictions. As a girl living in an unsafe world…I was not allowed to be outside the home past 10 PM. This was cause for a few fights between me and them.
3) This one is a little complicated. My dad’s mom lives with my parents and to put it simply- she is a pain.
My mom and my grandmom fight a lot because of this my parents fight a lot. My grandmother is just so stubborn and problematic and because of her old age, my mother is her primary caregiver. I know for a fact that even though my mum takes amazing care of her (despite their relations), my grandmother always tries to instigate fights between my parents.
When my mum tries to explain her concerns to my dad, he cannot do anything about it and also blames my mom for being harsh (my dad is a good person, but I feel he is helpless in such a situation). I genuinely don’t know if I am exaggerating my emotions or not, but it always troubled me to watch them fight almost all the time when I was home.
Even if they weren’t fighting, we would all just silently sit at the table/ watch something at dinner.
Now, moving out would have been fine but on my latest visit a few days back I saw them fighting again and noticed my mom getting super stressed and emotional. I simply cannot see her like this.
Are my parents super old or do they need to be dependent on me? This question is also a little tricky to answer. My mum’s in her late 40s and my dad is in her late 50s. However, my mum is a breast cancer survivor.
It happened a few years ago. We caught it in the early stages, she had chemo and got cleared in November 2 years back. She is fine now, so to speak. She has a little body pain now and then but she is focusing on her health and things are slowly getting back to normal, hopefully.
As privileged as it may sound, there are people to help around at home, but I still feel super guilty for leaving my mom in all this mess.
I just want to know if I am being the jerk by moving out and leaving my mum like that, even if I visit on the weekends or, at most every other weekend.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have every possible reason to want to move out. Your parents are hopefully 30, at least 25 years away from needing carers, and there is no one saying that has to be you when the time comes. At least not if you are living somewhere else, which is another good reason to go.
But everybody should be allowed to be independent.” FragrantEconomist386
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Your guilt is because it’s cultural to live together traditionally and you feel guilty not doing that. It’s not your job to be the peacekeeper for your parents and your mom/grandma dynamic.
You are entitled to your freedom, independence, and self-growth. It is ok to be “selfish”. Also, watching their dynamics is not healthy for anyone. The fact you don’t mention how problematic it is and instead focus on how you could be a buffer shows that it’s conditioned you in a way. Go and live on your own.
Your sister supports it! Your parents have to figure this out on their own. ” archetyping101
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think you should explain all this reasoning to your parents, especially to your father. Since a lot of it seems to be about the constant fighting.
As far as safety—well, I think your parents may have a clearer understanding of the dangers than you do, and they may have useful advice. You shouldn’t live isolated in a way that risks your safety, at the very least. Oh, to be clear, I was a rebellious desi daughter in my day.
If I had to do things again, I would talk to my parents a lot more about how their behavior made me feel. And I would respect their instincts more about safety in a patriarchal anti-woman culture. But I would still follow my path.” floofelina
10. AITJ For Accidentally Letting The Dogs Out And Arguing With My Mom and Her Partner?
“I (17F) was home alone for a bit because my mom (55F) and her partner (50M) went to pick up some supplies for the living room they’re renovating.
I was studying for my mock exams and I’m very stressed out about them. Anyway, a van came from the company that they bought the supplies from and I had to go outside to open the gate for them (with the button thing).
The man in the van dropped off the supplies and then turned around to drive out the gate again. I came back inside but then I remembered that I had to close the gate after him. We have 3 dogs and I tried to keep them inside, but as soon as I opened the door to go out, they ran out to the gate but they were very well-trained and would never go outside the gate.
When the van was exiting the gate, I accidentally pressed the button too early and the gate hit the trailer on the van. It was fine with no damage, but I felt guilty about it. I was too busy focusing on the gate hitting the van to bring the dogs back inside.
Still, they were fine and they were just standing near the gate. At that moment, my mom and her partner came back in the car and saw the dogs outside by the gate.
I went inside quickly because I knew they were going to shout at me.
I am a pretty sensitive person but I’m working on it, but when the two of them shout at me, they usually corner me and it’s like a 2v1 and it’s a very stressful situation.
When they came in, they immediately started shouting about the dogs and I said “It’s not my fault, I tried to keep them in but they ran out” The words “It’s not my fault” seemed to trigger them and my mom went from 0 to 100 and squeezed the book I was studying from and threw it on the ground.
I started crying and shouting and begging to not argue. I acknowledge that I was acting irrationally but I was very stressed. I said that I was sorry and that I didn’t want to talk about it and there was no point in trying to explain because they wouldn’t listen to me.
They stopped me from leaving and they cornered me shouting and calling me stupid. I will admit that I did not articulate my thoughts properly and I shouldn’t have said “It’s not my fault”. What I should have said was “It was an accident”.
Still, I couldn’t understand why four words caused such a reaction. The dogs were safe and they didn’t even know about the trailer (which was also fine)
My mom’s partner called me very stupid so I ran upstairs and shouted “GO AWAY” (very typical teenager I know) normally I would never speak to my parents like this but I was pushed to the edge emotionally over something that I still don’t see to be a big deal. My mom came up and started shouting at me more and making fun of me crying.
I acknowledge that I’m terrible at arguing and I just shouted a lot and didn’t give her much room to speak. I kept asking her to please leave me alone and that there was no point in arguing.
My mom said that if I don’t apologize to him they’re gonna kick me out like my brother.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is horrible. The way they cornered you, got triggered (for no valid reason) over innocent words, mocked you, called you stupid, mocked your crying. This is all manipulative behavior. And they have also threatened to kick you out like they did to your brother and they seemed to make that point with such smugness.
I hope your brother has no contact with these disgusting jerks. Could you go and live with your brother? Or grandparents? It looks like your mother prioritizes her partner over her children. They are pathetic excuses for parents.” ThornedRoseWrites
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You better start planning where you are going from here.
They sound horrible. As soon as the clock turns 18 or they kick you out, you are going to need a next step. Talk to social services, counselors, churches, or whatever is available in your area to help. Also, start taking small steps to build your self-esteem and confidence.
I wish I had thought about strengthening myself that way more when I was younger. Good luck OP — take charge of you.” lilies117
9. AITJ For Contacting My Half Siblings Without My Father's Permission?
“I (25F) have two half siblings from my dad’s side half brother (22M) and half sister (19F).
I was conceived when my mother was unfaithful to her then partner with his best friend (my dad) and my dad at that moment was already in a relationship/possibly engaged to my half siblings’ mum.
My mother never told my father about her pregnancy (she’s a very selfish and self-absorbed person) so he married my siblings’ mum and had kids with her. Fast forward some years later, I managed to locate him when I was 14 years old with the help of my maternal grandma and a DNA test revealed he was my father.
Since then we had a very on-and-off relationship where he would make many promises but he never went through with them and he would disappear for years at a time. Since I was living abroad (my father and his family live in Eastern Europe but I grew up and lived abroad) it’s been hard to track him down and I’ve only met him a few times (at 14 years old and then again last year when I came to my country for a week’s holiday and I contacted him again).
He’s been divorced from his ex-wife (siblings’ mum) for about 10 years now and has a new wife who he has allowed me to meet, he’s also introduced me to my paternal grandmother and his sister (my aunt). However, since the day I met him he’d been promising me he would introduce me to my half-siblings but he always kept making excuses and delaying things.
Now that my half-siblings are both in university and adults I assumed it would be a good time to contact them, however, my dad and paternal grandma keep making excuses to not let me meet them saying my sister has a very ‘difficult personality’ and that she may stop talking to our dad if she found out and the excuse for not telling my brother has been that he may ‘tell my sister’.
It feels that my dad’s side of the family only cares about my siblings’ feelings and does not care about my feelings, I’ve been wanting to have a relationship with them since I found out about them, and 11 years later excuses are still being made.
I feel as though my father and his mum and trying to cover up my father’s wrongdoings (me) as the truth would embarrass him and paint him in a bad light to my siblings and their mum (my dad and his side of the family are very prideful people who care about ‘face’).
But I don’t want to keep living in the shadows, I did nothing wrong, why should I never have a relationship with my blood brother and sister because of the unfaithfulness that HE committed why should I hide myself to hide HIS moral crimes?
Tonight I finally messaged my brother on social media introducing myself and I told him maybe not to mention this to our father or sister as they might be unhappy.
I told him if he needed proof he could do a test on the MyHeritage website where I did a test a few years ago, and he would discover he has a half-sister. I don’t know if he will see this message or reply to it.
Am I AITJ? What would you guys do in my situation?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If this is something they’ve been promising you for years and have never delivered on it, odds are they never planned to. You have more than enough justification to contact them yourself and you are all adults, you deserve a chance to connect.
I will ask you to keep in mind that though you may want a relationship with them it may not be the same for them as I’m sure this will come as a shock. Temper your expectations and do your best. I wish you the best of luck!” TheNotQuiteMrTwister
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you and your half-siblings are all adults, you each can decide whom you have a relationship with regardless of what someone else wants. There is nothing wrong with you attempting to contact them. For your own sake, please be sure to manage your expectations, this is likely to be a shock to your half-siblings and they may need time to come to terms with it (if they ever do) – give them the same respect you would like to receive, if they are not interested in meeting or developing a relationship, that is their right.” [deleted]
8. AITJ For Not Wanting To Invite My Argumentative Uncle To My Wedding?
“Growing up, whenever my uncle (Jo) was around there was fighting and yelling. Every holiday, my brother (Bill), mom, and I would be sitting in the common area at my grandma’s (GMa) while my dad.
GMa and Jo would be in the kitchen yelling. Leaving or not going weren’t options. To this day, I dread going to my GMa’s even if Jo isn’t there.
When I graduated, Jo and GMa showed up late and parked in a further off area than Mom and Dad.
This upset Jo so he started to yell until he and GMa ended up leaving before we went to dinner as planned.
I’m now 28 and have moved to a different state out with my partner (Tim) (30M). I went to college. I don’t spend all holidays with my family due to distance.
I have worked with therapists and since become more confident in myself and am working on setting boundaries.
Thanksgiving 2022, my relationship with Jo got worse. My GMa, Jo, and grandfather (GPa) were being EXTREMELY bigoted and Tim and I went downstairs to avoid it. My other uncle (Rick) told them to stop which started everyone yelling.
Everyone turned on Rick for instigating the fight. Rick decided to leave but realized GMa had blocked him in the driveway so he asked me to see if GMa would move her car. My GMa always acts oblivious to everything so she just waves me off.
I go to grab her keys which sets Jo off again and he starts yelling at me. I start yelling at him about everything I have pent up. He continues to yell at me until I retreat downstairs. GPa eventually comes down to apologize for his part.
Rick called me a few days later to apologize as well. Meanwhile, GMA acts like nothing happened and Jo pesters my parents to make me apologize. They asked me to apologize for yelling but not for what I said. I said that if he apologized to me for yelling, I would apologize to him.
I also said that he had 1 more chance. If there was 1 more holiday or event where he started yelling, I would not go to any events he goes to in the future.
I did not hear from him for almost a year until Bill’s wedding.
At the wedding, Jo tried to somewhat apologize to me and another relative who he had not been talking to for even longer. I was so stunned I couldn’t say anything at the time. After the wedding, I reached out and apologized to him for yelling and said that I could have said what I needed to more constructively.
We still are on tentative terms but Christmas went well with no yelling.
This is where I may be the jerk if I do it. Tim and I have started talking about getting married. I told Mom, my best friend (Mary), and Tim that I am not comfortable having Jo there whenever we do get married. Mary is with me, Mom says I should give him a chance, and Tim said he would back me either way.
Jo did good at Bill’s wedding but I can’t stop the fear that he will just revert to his old ways and ruin this moment for Tim and me.
I could use some advice and honest opinions. Can clarify anything in the comments.”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think anybody here is going to tell you that you have to invite anybody to the wedding. If Mary and Tim are with you, and Mom just wants you to give him a chance, then you could give him one. ONE. He can come to a pre-wedding party.
If he can keep his nonsense together, he can come to the wedding… with a chaperone. Or, he will have someone with him all day on the wedding day to babysit him, so to speak. He steps out of line, and he and the chaperone leave.
But….. that’s a lot more effort than I would go to. *Weddings aren’t therapy sessions where people can magically fix their relationships.* They’re also not insults or slights or weapons. They’re just expensive parties that are supposed to be fun. I wouldn’t invite this guy.
NTJ.” otsukaren_613
7. AITJ For Withdrawing As A Bridesmaid After My Best Friend Ignored Me?
“My best friend of four years (E) started seeing my brother in Nov. of ‘22. He proposed in June of ‘23 and the wedding was set for Oct.
of ‘23. Once E was engaged she started to distance herself from me and kept all wedding planning a secret. I ignored it and didn’t interfere. She asked my sister and I to be bridesmaids. Being part of a large family I had 9 siblings involved in the wedding.
Her two sisters as the remaining bridesmaids. I planned her bachelorette party and paid over 2k for it. We went on the trip and I paid for anything she wanted. Once we were back E began ignoring me. I confronted E on three different occasions asking what I had done to upset her and to apologize.
E said if I didn’t know what I had done to upset her then I wasn’t sorry for it and wouldn’t accept my apology. I approached E’s sister and asked her what I had done to upset E. Her sister said she didn’t know what it was and that she was probably stressed. The treatment continued and I finally told E that I wanted to withdraw from the wedding and work on our friendship and that if she was willing I wanted to be a bridesmaid but until then I didn’t feel right being a bridesmaid with the current issues.
E agreed and told me she would work on our relationship.
After that conversation, things were better. After that, my sister and I were getting our bridesmaid dresses altered. They needed major alterations and extra material was needed. I told E to order an extra bridesmaid dress and that I would pay for it so we could use it as material. E said the dresses were discontinued and that we would use the hem scraps to alter them.
My dress was being altered at a shop and my sisters by a family friend. My sister ended up needing a lot of material for her alterations and didn’t have any scraps. I asked E if she could get scraps from the alteration shop for us to use.
My brother picked up my dress and was supposed to get the scrap material. He came home and my dress had been unaltered and no scraps had been brought home for my sister. When asked why my dress was unaltered he said there were no leftover hem scraps and that E said to cut up my dress to use the material for my sister and to use the remaining material for a new bridesmaid.
I asked E why I was no longer in the wedding since we had an agreement that I would be since our relationship was better. E said she didn’t think I wanted to be at the wedding and told the shop to not alter my dress.
My dad told E that if I wasn’t at the wedding our family wouldn’t attend. Once E realized we were serious she asked me to be in the wedding. We scrambled to get my dress altered and to find material for my sister’s dress.
We looked online and found our same dresses were not discontinued. We got our dresses altered but E ended up canceling (for the third time) two days before the wedding. Our family was out 13k. E and my brother kept all the wedding gifts. They will marry but haven’t set a date.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but the moment she started distancing herself from you, you should have done the same. You go where you are wanted. Numerous times you realized this and still pushed yourself. Odds are she used you to get to your bother once that was done, she didn’t need you anymore.” Summerbals
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, adults use their words and tell you what the problem is. E is immature. Don’t worry about working on the friendship, that takes 2 making an effort and E isn’t making any effort. Hopefully, your family will refuse to pay for any more wedding nonsense.” SweeperOfChimneys
Another User Comments:
“It seems that the two of you just aren’t friends anymore. I’d not worry over E because she just takes crap to new heights, IMO. Cut up your dress for scraps? Just a clear demonstration that she wants you to feel her disdain.
I’d feel sorry for my brother frankly. But, I would not bother saying that out loud. He may resent the lack of support. And be glad that her crazy is in plain view for the world to see. It can’t be turned back on you if you stay out of it and stay away from it.
NTJ.” AndSoItGoes24
6. AITJ For Ending Things With a Guy Over His Excessive Birthday Week Celebrations?
“So, I (29f) just started talking to this guy (33m) I met on a social app.
You could say we’re “seeing each other” but in the casual stage. He told me early last week that his birthday is next Wednesday (24th). I’m like ok awesome what do you have planned? He tells me about a week-long party. He then goes on to describe how as a kid his birthdays weren’t special and no one celebrated him, so he makes up for it as an adult with lavish parties.
Didn’t have much of a problem with that and said we should plan a date as well. He wants to look at his schedule first to see when he has time.
Friday, his friends pick him up and he goes to a bar, then an elegant steakhouse where he texts me saying he’s so wasted that he spilled wine all over himself (he said his friends were kinda embarrassed about it).
Then heads to a comedy club/bar for a nightcap.
We talk when he gets home and he expresses that he’s been thinking about getting sober and stopping drinking. But then the next day we texted and he was at a bar at around 1 pm, he added that because it wasn’t on the schedule.
And then he goes to another bar after with a different group of friends, comes home, and says he’s so tired of drinking and he’s done and wants to be sober. But 30 min later, he claims his friends showed up and told him he had no choice.
So he goes to a lounge and drinks again. Then repeats his frustration and desire to be sober.
He tells me the rest of his schedule: his parents had dinner with him today. Monday he’s going out to a bar and club I think. Tuesday & Wednesday he’s heading out of state to a dispensary and then partying at a casino. He plans on gambling and going clubbing.
Friday he’s heading to another lounge. Thursday he may go to another bar but says he’s open if we want to go on a date.
And that’s when I just kinda get fed up. I confronted him about it last night, how he keeps saying he wants to get sober but keeps going to places where he uses and drinks.
It wouldn’t have bothered me so much if he hadn’t said it 3x in the last few days, and then immediately changed his mind.
So I tell him that we should be friends because I can’t do all the excessive partying and the back and forth about his sobriety.
It confuses me, and it’s more than I want to handle.
He texts me and says I must be confused because he doesn’t party often, and this is an exception because it’s his “birthday” week. I’m not a party person, and as someone with a history of heavy drinker partners and substance use, I don’t want to be triggered.
I don’t want to party and club and stay out all night. It’s not me anymore.
AITJ for telling him this, and was I being inconsiderate saying his birthday week was excessive?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, addicts often downplay their use so it’s likely even worse than he lets on.
He’s showing you who he is and I think even giving him friendship would be very kind of you. Make sure he doesn’t drain your energy with the constant ‘I wanna get sober but I’m gonna get messed up now’ back and forth” bijutsukan_
Another User Comments:
“I don’t see the problem. He can’t use the excuse again so if he’s ‘normal’ for the rest of the year you know it’s what he says it is. If he continues then you know it’s an excuse” FoatyMcFoatBase
5. AITJ For Insisting We Visit My Family For Christmas Despite Our Financial Situation?
“Husband dislikes driving with baby so he asked me, when our daughter was about 10 mo, to promise that we fly to my family next visit. For context, my family is a 45-minute flight/6 hour drive away and we live in his hometown.
We agreed when we got married that Christmas would be with my family since my family does it bigger than his and he realized that it means a lot to me.
Now we have a baby and now he views us visiting my family on ANY occasion as me forcing him to endure a car ride with a screaming baby only to see MY family. We see his family every single week.
This year he brought up the idea of not going to save money since we’re saving up to buy a house.
At that time I was like that’s fair because I promised him we would fly and plane tickets are expensive and we do need to save $20k w/in two years.
Now I want to go home. My parents have visited us 3+ TIMES this year and I drove to them alone, WITH the baby, once.
He has not been to my parents since last Christmas. I told him I did want to go to Christmas and he said, “How could you make me save up this amount of money on such short notice? Especially after Vegas. This is unfair to me because I would look like the jerk husband who is keeping you from your family if I said no”
I paid for Vegas. It was the end of September. Our friends were getting married. I kept asking if we could afford to go so we wouldn’t RSVP and cancel last minute. The only way we got to Vegas was by me saving up from my paycheck allowance for MONTHS and a serendipitous amount of money from my stepdad selling property.
He had insisted we pool our paychecks, each keep $300, and that he manage what gets put into savings and bills. Extra expenses in Vegas were paid for by his parents as “gambling money”. I never knew the amount because I don’t gamble. He kept telling me we were good on money when I was stressed.
I’ve been saving money again to fly for Christmas. Mom told me to come and bring our 1.5yo even if he doesn’t want to come or can’t figure it out. I can’t just say that to him because he would feel I’m abandoning him.
I understand flying at Christmas because the pass we have to cross to get to my home town is so dangerous.
He made me promise to fly while not thinking about Christmas. He was thinking about not wanting to drive with a baby in the car.
He did drive us to my parents last year on Christmas Eve when the roads were super icy and the pass was open for but a moment.
But, that’s really because he knew I’d be upset that he kept saying everything would be fine if we left a day later than I had wanted because there was an ice storm warning and it almost wasn’t fine. At the time, he said that I was trying to make him feel like a jerk.
And now he’s saying that I’m trying to make him look like a jerk because I’m going to make him look like the husband who doesn’t want me to see my family. Who’s is the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I’m going out a limb here, but he sounds very controlling to me, like family alienation.
If you have enough money to go to Vegas for a wedding then there’s enough money to go home for Christmas, end of story. He can choose to stay home. By the way, if you leave at 4 am and drive 6 hours, you’ll be there by 10 am and your baby will sleep through most of it.
But, either way, fly or drive, go, and he can choose to stay home or not. He’s making a huge deal out of nothing.” Beautiful-Report58
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You are going back on an agreement you made while he’s being lazy about travel and intellectually dishonest as to why.
Agree about holidays and travel that you can both agree with and write it in stone. If you can’t manage that, put the house purchase on pause until you can.” piccolo181
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Snoqualmie Pass is the biggest pass in Washington. They maintain it well and it would be at the beginning of the journey to Idaho.
He just doesn’t like to drive. Suck it up, buddy. You married someone who moved away from your family. Some concessions get made in families. Plus flying with a child is not fun either.” Zealousideal-Sail972
4. AITJ For Renting a Dumpster to Clear Out Our Family Home?
“I (M22) have been living with my mom for a couple of months since I graduated college. Over the past few months, I’ve come to realize just how much our family home stresses my mom out.
I wouldn’t say my mom is a hoarder, I just think she has been placed in the unfortunate position of holding on to a lot of our family’s junk and she has difficulty throwing things away.
It’s been hard to watch my mom grapple with the sheer amount of stuff that has accumulated in our home.
I have three sisters (F30, F27, and F20) and they all keep a lot of their old stuff at our mom’s house despite all of them having “moved out” (my younger sister has an apartment that she stays in near her university). My mom even holds onto some of my grandparent’s things since she lives in their old home.
Long story short, there’s a lot of crap in our house.
I’ve talked with my mom multiple times about the state of our home and she confirmed most of my observations about her being stressed out from all of the stuff in our home. I tried to do what I could and make a dent in all the clutter, but there was only so much I could do on my own.
So I pitched the idea of renting a dumpster for my mom as a Christmas gift. Which I and my sisters would then fill together over New Year’s weekend. At the very least, we could try clearing out our basement and storage room which were the worst rooms in the house.
My mom LOVED this idea and I went ahead renting the dumpster.
Finally, the dumpster came and my sisters and I emptied everything from the basement and storage room into the yard. However, over the day I could sense a lot of tension rising between me and my sisters.
When it came time to start throwing stuff into the dumpster, my siblings kept preventing anything from being thrown out or donated. Even if we were sorting through outgrown clothes or broken toys, they insisted that we couldn’t “just throw it away.” I tried to level with them and tell them how I felt, but they were not having it.
They exploded at me. They accused me of being heartless and not cherishing the memories of the things we have. They wouldn’t let me defend myself and eventually, my mom took their side. I was forced out of the “what does and does not get thrown out” process and had to help carry everything that wasn’t thrown out back into the house.
They didn’t even fill half the dumpster and our family home was put back in the awful state it was before.
The next day I tried to fill the dumpster more by throwing out whatever was in my room that I didn’t use anymore and suggested my sisters try the same.
They didn’t care for that either.
Since then, my sisters have all left and it’s back to just me and my mom in this cluttered and stressful house. My relationship with my sisters has been seriously strained since that weekend and I don’t know why they can’t understand what I tried to do for our mom.
Did I mess something up? Am I a huge jerk about all of this and I just don’t see it yet?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ BUT I would not spend money on a dumpster if the stuff can be donated to a charity. A lot of places will come and pick it up from you if you box it up for them.
If you do it this way, they wouldn’t even know it’s gone and it goes to someone in need instead of a landfill.” TheSciFiGuy80
Another User Comments:
“YTJ except are (or at least you claim to be) coming from a place of caring for your mother.
It isn’t your place to decide what your mom and your sisters consider cherished memories. It seems like you have more of a problem with this than your mother does. If you don’t like it, you’re a college-educated adult – move out! If your mom has a problem with your sisters storing their stuff in her house, it’s her job, NOT yours, to take that up with them.
I understand why your sisters got annoyed at your anointing yourself “Lord Protector” of the family house.” BluffinMcPuffin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ But you need to understand that it sounds like your mom and sisters are hoarders And there is absolutely nothing you can do to change this.
They are keeping broken toys, clothes that fit no one, and probably a lot of junk but “remember we got this rock from the gas station on our vacation when we were 10”. They care more for the item than the people living in it. I bought a home that was hoarded. I am 15 construction-size dumpsters in, countless trips to the dump, and still have more to get rid of.
But the people I bought it from? Sees absolutely nothing wrong with how it looked and has done the same in the house they live in now. Until they get help, there will be no change. Just try to keep your room clean.” Commercial_7336
3. AITJ For Moving Out After My Cousin Refused To Let Me Adopt A Puppy?
“My cousin (20 f) and I (25 only) have been living in my late grandparent’s house for almost two years.
Before they passed away, she had at some point started living in the house with them; but due to some very complicated family history and the nature of probate court, my mother (grandparents only living child as my uncle passed away a few years before) asked her to leave.
About 5 months later, after some of the dust had settled, my mom offered to let the two of us move in there together, so that the house was occupied and being taken care of. She also felt bad for asking my cousin to leave but did not want her to live there alone.
My mom owns half of the estate, and the other half is split between her late brother’s 3 kids; the cousin I’ve been living with including.
Things started coming to a head recently when the estate got hit with a huge property tax bill, and my mom asked them (my cousins) to pitch in (less than half of the total bill combined) since they also have ownership.
They were not happy about this. It started to become very uncomfortable because I am the only one in this situation who does not own the house in any capacity, and I’ve ended up being the middle man of communication because the cousin I live with does not want to speak to my mom.
I was already considering moving out and had been somewhat seriously looking at apartments in the area. Here’s where the actual situation where I think I may be the jerk comes in.
I had been considering getting another dog for a while but I swore no puppies.
However, just before Christmas, someone dumped a litter of puppies in front of the doggy daycare where I work. We were called up front and asked if any of us wanted any of them and I fell in love with one of them who looked similar to the dog I already have.
I told them I wanted her, but because I live with my cousin I had to get it cleared with her. When I texted her she said, “I can barely keep up with all the fur as is and neither can you”.
The attitude sent me over the edge.
First of all, her dog messes on the carpet all the time and she’s going to complain about the fur?
Secondly, she never brought up the fur bothering her and wanting me to vacuum more before. Yes his shedding is my responsibility and I do clean up when I notice it needs doing, but if it wasn’t enough then she needed to tell me because I can’t fix a problem I don’t know exists.
All she had to say was ‘I don’t want a puppy in the house’ and I would have just said aw okay, told them I couldn’t take her, and that would have been the end of it. But instead, she had to get an attitude with me about fur, and that was just the last straw for me.
So now I’m moving out into an apartment myself (I get my keys on Friday) and since I won’t be living in the house anymore, she won’t be allowed to either. She hasn’t told me what she plans on doing but she knows she has to leave too.
AITJ”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your living situation doesn’t make you happy, you have the right (and need) to find another one. What that implies to your cousin is totally on her (there must be a reason your mom doesn’t want her in the house alone).
Not your fault or responsibility.” MathematicianAny3777
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You have no financial interest in the house. The problems with the finances are being inflicted on you. You aren’t happy in the living circumstances. Yeah, moving out seems like a perfectly adequate solution.
The puppy and attitude seem to be the camelback straws. Good luck in the new place!” OldGreyTroll
2. AITJ For Wanting To Cut Ties With My Overbearing MIL?
“My husband and I recently had a baby boy and have been married for 3 years. My mother-in-law has no boundaries for example, she would buzz on our apartment doorbell every morning to wake us up to make sure my husband was up for work (she lives across the street from us).
She also kept a copy of my husband’s work shifts so that she could know the hours and days he worked.
Then I fell pregnant, and things started to get worse. My in-laws own the apartment that we rent so my in-laws would be over every week doing projects on the apartment without asking us first.
My husband and I hardly had alone time or date nights because of this. They decided to renovate the kitchen, which we said we didn’t want because I was pregnant and I’m allergic to the dust that comes up from these projects. We were left without a kitchen and fridge for two weeks, and the apartment was covered in renovation junk so I couldn’t leave my room for two weeks.
They also didn’t offer to bring us any food knowing that we didn’t have a kitchen and that I was pregnant.
Then I had the baby and my husband and I decided to move in with my parents as we needed to save money for our own home and we needed the bigger space for all the baby stuff (my parents live in a big home with many bedrooms).
My husband broke this news to my mother-in-law and she lost her marbles. She said she would never accept this and said we either stay in the apartment or move in with her (she lives in a small home with three bedrooms and 5 people living in her house).
We would have nowhere to fit in if we moved in with her.
A few weeks later we went to my in-law’s house and she was being petty with me the whole day, and lovey-dovey with my husband and son. She went as far as throwing bread at my face at the dinner table as a “joke” and thought it was the funniest thing ever.
She also made random petty comments about my older brother being lazy and useless just to hurt me. My father-in-law also supports my mother-in-law with her actions. I still did not let my guard fall for the sake of my husband and continued to visit her and treat her with respect.
But now she is taking it so far that she is visiting my husband at work and taking him lunch almost every day. She never calls or messages me and I’m starting to lose my patience with my husband because I feel like he is not understanding my feelings for wanting stronger boundaries.
He just excuses his mother’s behavior as “this is how she has always been” and lets it go. I feel like this is affecting my marriage with my husband because she always pops up and does something to hurt me purposely. And my husband said that he has talked to her but I haven’t seen any changes in 4 months.
Now I don’t want any form of relationship with her because she is so toxic and I feel like no matter how many boundaries we have put up, she has knocked them all down.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your husband needs to stick up for you.
It’s a problem with him being passive and a mama’s boy. Don’t think she needs to be out of your alls life altogether, but some boundaries need to be made clear by your husband to her.” mango_femme
Another User Comments:
“Yikes!
NTJ! Unfortunately, you’ve married an oblivious mama’s boy who has zero intentions of changing. So, you have to decide what you want to do for yourself. Does the rest of your marriage outweigh the negatives? I know everyone says this, but this is a situation that screams for a marital therapist to help you guys establish boundaries and communicate your issues with an impartial person.
If he refuses to go, then go on your own to help you establish your boundaries and decide what to do, if he’s unwilling to help. No one should have to deal with such an unhealthy dynamic.” CarmChameleon
Another User Comments:
“Not sure if you have a husband problem.
Does he see how are being treated? You do have a closeness problem. You need to move away. You should have been hours away before you became pregnant. You need to discuss the situation with your husband. NTJ” Aggravating-Pain9249
1. AITJ For Wanting to Keep a Lost Cat I've Bonded With?
“Today I messed up by finding my cat’s” real” owner.
I wonder if I’m the jerk if I keep her.
I keep my home open to shelter homeless cats. This July I got a call about a starved and dirty cat that was found in a locked-up parking lot. This same cat had been spotted 10 miles from there a couple of weeks before, so she had been on quite a journey.
When she first came to me she was scared to death but I loved her at first sight.
She was an easily frightened and startled cat. I sat with her when feeding her because if I made ANY sound, she’d run under my bed and hide.
If I had a visitor- she’d hide. If anything was loud – she’d hide. She was a silent and scared cat.
It’s been 7 months now. For the first 3 months, I kept updated on sites that looked for lost cats to find her real owner.
After 3 months I stopped. I was occupied with loving her and making sure she was happy.
She isn’t a scared cat anymore. She speaks with me CONSTANTLY. I’m overjoyed she found her voice. She is a diva who demands attention from the second I’m home until I leave for work the following day(I’m saying this with love).
This Christmas we even went on a train to visit my dad, and she curled up in my lap to watch the views(without a leash, and didn’t try to run).
What I’m trying to say by this is that she isn’t scared of strangers anymore.
She used to run and hide when the doorbell rang. Now she runs towards it, looking forward to meeting new people and getting their attention. She’s a completely different cat. I love her more than anything else in the world, and I think she loves me too.
She’s the light of my life and I do everything to make her happy, and I think and hope that she is.
Yesterday, I don’t know why, I decided to check the website for missing cats again, and saw her. They had put out a post 5 months after she went missing, and one month after I stopped checking that same website.
She has traveled over 30 miles in total, her original home is in the same region as mine but two cities over. They describe her as a shy and scared cat, something that I experienced during the first months of her staying with me but she is completely changed now.
I know it’s wrong to keep her. Morally and by principle. But I wonder if she was brought to her full potential at her last home since they describe her as scared and startled, something she’s stopped being with me. It sounds so selfish, and it is selfish of me to want to keep her.
She is two years old and has spent 7 months with me. I don’t know what to do. I love her more than anything. But I know I’m in the wrong probably.
AITJ if I kept her?”
Another User Comments:
“Hmm. I feel like if they put out a post only 5 months after she disappeared, that’s a bit weird.
If it was my cat disappearing, I’d look everywhere and put out posts on every website, I’d even offer money to get them back. What does the post look like? Do they seem very sad and attached to the cat? On the one hand, I feel for everyone who loses a loved animal, but on the other hand, if it is true and she was really scared and shy before, then maybe her happiness is more important than theirs.” Party_Survey_6284
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Legally in my country, you have 72 hours to claim a lost animal before they are surrendered. You looked after your sweet girl for months before they reported her missing. If they cared about her; it would have taken them more than 5 months to start looking for her.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – the waiting 5 months to even bother trying to find the cat aside, there was something very wrong with where she lived before. Cats don’t run away from a loving home and family for no reason. So I bet she wasn’t at a loving home at all.
Likely, she was always neglected, and unfed, and kids possibly treated her like a toy by prodding and poking at her and pulling at her tail. She took herself out of that situation by choice. And now she’s a completely different cat. She learned to trust you and is comfortable with you, she loves you the same way that you love her.
Keep her, it’s in her best interests. If you gave her back, she’d most likely revert to how she was before and the poor girl doesn’t deserve to have to go through any of that again. Keep her, at least this way you know she’s safe, happy well-feed, and very loved.” AuthorMia
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