People Want To Gather Insights About Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
19. AITJ For Calling My Fiancé An "Embarrassment"?
“I’ve been seeing my fiance for 4 years now and I came into the relationship with 2 boys. My boys are now 12 and 9. Once a year I and the boys go to my family’s vacation home with the entire family and up until this year, my fiance did not attend.
But now that we are engaged and merging families, the family asked that he come too (they all get along great with him anyways). I explained to him prior to us coming to our family retreat that during our week stay with the family, my kids do not have a bedtime.
We do a lot of night activities, such as night swimming in the pool, karaoke, fires, nightly strolls through the neighborhood, etc etc. So during this week, my kids absolutely do not have a bedtime and this is how it has always been. I made it clear that bedtime was not to be enforced like it was at home because this is vacation and time with family and I’m not making my kids miss out on the nightly activities.
I also explained that due to this, some nights they are up until easily 11-midnight. It’s once a year, it’s no big deal. So he was fully aware and please note that this is the only time I’ve seen this side of him that I will mention below.
We get here the first night and you can tell he is already uncomfortable with the boys staying up past their bedtime. He was stressing out because the boys were still in the pool at 10 pm and he felt they should be in bed already.
I reminded him at least twice that we were not enforcing a bedtime here and he let it go the first night. The second night 9 pm rolls around and the boys were still up and my fiance was dropping comments like ‘You’re lucky you’re even still awake right now, you should be in bed’.
Saying it right in front of my mom, who looked mortified that he had such an attitude. I told him to cut the crap, in private. He tells me he thinks it’s messed up and that it’s going to be terrible trying to get them back on their schedule (never been an issue in the years prior).
I stood firm and told him to knock it off and let it go.
But then last night my fiance starts angrily sighing every single time he looks at my kids still awake and I finally pulled him aside and told him he was an embarrassment because he keeps saying these comments in front of my family, which leads to awkward silences and judgemental glances my way.
I warned him prior to coming here that if he had an issue that he can’t control for a week then he needs to leave because he was ruining our trip with his passive-aggressive nonsense surrounding a bedtime. He told me I’m a jerk for making him feel like garbage over wanting to keep the kids on a schedule because it’s ‘best for them’.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I know you said this behavior is not his usual, but I would say that this is a prediction of his future with him.
He has an opinion that differs from yours. He doesn’t have to agree with you, but he does have to respect your decisions.
He doesn’t respect you and can’t control himself. He made a fool of himself and openly showed his disdain for your entire family.
Please rethink your relationship. Things may have been smooth in the past because a situation where you disagree has likely never been an issue.” tatersprout
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I hate saying this, but this might be a chance to learn something.
You mentioned that he gets along great with your family generally and has just never been on this exact annual trip before. You didn’t mention who that family includes – if it includes a father or brother (BIL would work in a pinch), have them pull him aside and explain that it’s more relaxed here.
Now, ideally, your family member will be decent enough to feel a little gross and weird about the implications here (my dad and brother sure would), but that’s not actually the thing we’re trying to learn. We’re trying to learn if he heeds the advice of a male family member over yours.
If he’s suddenly much finer with it having heard it from a fellow Family Patriarch, you’ve learned what you need to know. If he doubles down on bedtime and gets angry that your family would dare meddle in your marriage, well, you’ve also learned what you need to know.
Good luck.” Hedgehogahog
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Good for you for communicating your expectations of him on this trip and how the trip goes in general, and immediately and clearly addressing the issue with him.
You were very clear there was no bedtime, so he had plenty of time to raise his concerns about schedules, etc. He didn’t, he said it was fine.
He then is making your children and family uncomfortable and also can’t let it go. THIS is where you need to be concerned. He will say he agrees with you, and then not actually agree with you. He will be passive-aggressive to your children- including making sure they know he is actually in charge with his ‘you are lucky’ comments – he will make your family uncomfortable, and now you can’t trust him with your children going forward.
That last one I know feels overdramatic, but it isn’t. If he is going to do all this over a bedtime that you TOLD him wasn’t going to be enforced, what is he doing/will he do behind your back? If he is home with the kids, what does he poke and prod at them about?
Schoolwork, the way they dress, friends he doesn’t like, rules he doesn’t like or thinks should exist? He needs a full reset to demonstrate he respects his role with your children and how he treats the rules you have in place.” mfruitfly
18. AITJ For Calling Out My Fiancé's Stepdad's Toxic Behavior?
“My (f24) fiance (m24) has had a complicated life. His dad abandoned him before he was born, and his mother was a single mother for some years until she met her actual husband, and they had two kids together.
From what my fiance has told me, his mother was very lovely but his stepdad was a total jerk. Once he had his own kids he made sure to let my fiance know that he was worthless in comparison to his own kids. I disagree about his mother being nice because she enabled this behavior from her husband to her own kid but I wasn’t there so I can’t know for sure.
My fiance likes gaming and anime, he has since he was a kid, however, he was shamed by his stepfather because of it. Their relationship is not good and it’s all his stepfather’s fault, he never tried to be a parent for him and hated having to keep him in the house (my fiance’s grandmother told me this).
When he was a teen everything was an issue, from his hobbies to friends, anything he did was wrong.
Well anyway, he’s in college now and is studying to be a programmer. He’s doing great. His mom invited us over to dinner. We drove there and luckily we didn’t have to put up with his stepfather for too long because he wasn’t home when we got there.
He arrived just a little before lunch was served.
After eating we were hanging out in the living room when the fiance’s mom asked him about college. He started talking about his grades, his classes, and other school-related stuff. His stepfather asked his sister who was a senior in high school if she had been studying.
She said she did and he said great because she needs to be ahead for next year. He then explained that his daughter was getting ready because she’ll go into law school next year (he’s a lawyer too) and then he said the comment that made me snap.
He told my fiance that law school was hard and being good at it is something to brag about because everyone can play video games all day but not everyone can graduate from a serious career (he literally said this). I looked over at my fiance and he was sad, he didn’t say anything but I know him.
So I snapped. I told him that if he thought that studying programming was playing video games all day then he was far more ignorant than I thought he was. I originally planned to stop it there but then I got caught up in the moment and also told him that he was a jerk for dragging my fiance down on purpose.
I also told him that he must have a miserable life if he’s so focused on causing pain to others. Nobody said anything and my fiance asked me to leave so we did.
He’s not angry at me, quite the opposite, he thanked me for standing up for him.
I made sure that he knows I support and love him.
However, he got a message later from his mother about how rude I was for disrespecting his stepdad and how I ruined the day. I honestly don’t care and neither does he, but I want to know if I was too rude or not.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
His stepdad sounds completely vile. Good on you for standing up to the jerk. However, your fiancé needs to learn to stand up for himself. Therapy might be beneficial for him, and he truly needs to go low contact or no contact with his mother.
It’s obvious his mom prioritizes the stepdad over him, so for his mental health he needs as little contact as possible. If that means they don’t come to your wedding, so be it. I truly don’t think they deserve that honor.” Sweater_Kittens5425
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
His mother’s message should have been ‘Honey, I’m so sorry that my husband said those horribly rude things about you. We both know that he won’t apologize or realize he was being cruel, but I do realize his behavior was wrong and cruel to you, and for my part in not speaking up, I do apologize.
I’m glad you have a partner that will call a spade a spade, and that you realized it was okay to leave early. I’m so sorry that I don’t dare to say anything when he’s like that. I’ll understand if you don’t want to visit here when he’s home again, to protect yourself from his bad behaviors.
No one should have to hear such horrible meanness aimed at them like he did to you. In the future, let’s meet up at Restaurant instead, without him, and I will pay for it. I should have protected you from him, years and years ago.’
The message she sent is DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. It’s how the manipulators flip the situation into making the victim apologize to their offender. His mother blaming you for disrespecting her husband, who just spent the visit being abusive and manipulative to your partner, totally disrespecting your partner, is DARVOing.
His mother blaming you for ‘ruining’ the visit, is DARVOing. You didn’t ruin the visit, her husband ruined the visit with his behavior.
If you hadn’t said anything at all, but quietly sat there and allowed her abusive husband to continue to be terrible to your partner in front of his equally silent mother, you would have been joining her in enabling the awful behavior.
And the visit would still have been ruined for your partner and for you. When you called out the mistreatment, his mother claims that ruined the visit. She’s not seeing it as ruining the visit for the two of you, but for the two of them.
Her husband didn’t get to continue his terrible behavior. She didn’t get to continue her pretense that his words were fine and not damaging her son. You didn’t ruin the visit. You ripped the blinders off the pretense of her fantasy of playing happy family, while she ignores the mistreatment that happens right in front of her.
She’s enabling his abusive behaviors toward her own son. And now, she’s enabling the mistreatment further, by DARVOing who gets blamed.
A reasonable response to his mother’s message might be: ‘Mom, the visit was ruined when your husband spoke about me and to me the way he did.
HE ruined the visit, not OP. I hope you are able to see this. When he’s ready to give a real apology for his behavior, one that includes how he’s changing his behavior for the future, I’ll be able to visit your home again. Until then, I will not be visiting where he is.
So, if you want to meet us, alone, at a local restaurant for future visits, I can do that. However, please understand that I find it unacceptable that you are blaming OP for what your husband did’.” blueberryyogurtcup
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you ROCK for doing what your fiancé’s mother should have done years ago!
She and the step-dad are the jerks and it was the step-dad who was rude, to begin with. He was being ignorant of what computer programming is and even if the sister becomes an attorney, it should not be a competition. It may get to the point where your fiancé will need to go no contact or low contact with his mom and stepdad (esp if you have children, they don’t need to be exposed to that toxicity).
Whatever he decides, support him just like you’ve been doing.” ButterflyWings71
I suggest going no contact with both these jerks. They don't deserve to see your fiance happy.
17. AITJ For Saying My Son Is Inconsiderate?
“I (46f) have twins (19m) and another son (16m). My son loves to cook and bake. To him, it’s his source of relaxation.
Alfredo, burgers, pizza, you name it. Heck, even a whole cake. Everyone who’s met him knows he’s a fantastic cook. However, he prefers to only cook for himself and gets really annoyed when my twins walk in on him cooking and ask him to make them food as well.
He’ll end up doing it but he does it very begrudgingly and usually gives them a much smaller portion than his own serving, which my twins don’t like. They both have jobs and will sometimes use their job money to buy us all a little fast food.
So they find it really upsetting how their younger brother never returns the favor by primarily cooking for himself.
The other day, neither of my twins had class and weren’t really in the mood for the food that we had in the house. My son came back from school and decided to make himself some banana pudding.
When my twins asked for some as well, he told them they could just make it themselves and the ingredients were all still there. My son put the banana pudding in the fridge and went to go take a shower while it was chilling. When he came back down he saw that my twins had eaten it all and this really upset him.
When he told me about the situation I confronted the twins which they said it was really rude for him to only make something for himself knowing that they were hungry as well and like he said, he could always make some more. I told my son that while they shouldn’t have eaten his food that they were right, and he was very inconsiderate.
My son replied that it’s not fair how he gets back from school and is expected to make food for his older siblings. That they can just get a cookbook and learn how to make things for themselves.
I told my son that if he’s not going to cook for everybody then he can’t cook anymore.
He’s been pretty moody ever since. Obviously, his brothers shouldn’t have eaten his food but it takes no effort to just make a larger portion of the food he’s cooking so that everybody can have it. My husband thinks I’m in the right but I’m really not happy with how things are right now between my children.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“‘I told my son that if he’s not going to cook for everybody then he can’t cook anymore’
YTJ
You are not entitled to have your 16-year-old cook for the whole family every time he wants to cook. If this is a hobby that he enjoys, good for him.
You and your other children are not an automatic beneficiaries.
And your twins eating all of his pudding? Major jerk move. Did you make them make another batch to replace the one they ate or did you just let it slide and go on to punish your 16-year-old?
Give your head a shake.
If you want him to cook for you, then maybe you should assign a night of the week that each of your kids be responsible to feed the family, whether than be cooking or bringing home food. Then it’s fair.” apothekryptic
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – Your youngest is absolutely right. The twins can cook for themselves. The twins are being very inconsiderate and entitled, thinking that their younger brother is obligated to cook for them. You say how you took away your youngest’s source of relaxation, his cooking, but what consequences did your adult sons get to eating his food?
You are being incredibly unfair to your son, and from this story, it seems that you favor the twins over him. Making him cook for everyone will be treating cooking as a chore when for him it’s something he loves and does to relax.
You will make him hate cooking just because your oldest can’t be bothered to prepare things for themselves.
Did it ever occur to you that your youngest might be more inclined to offer to cook food for others if they appreciated him and didn’t treat him as a live-in cook?
If they didn’t behave in such entitled ways, he might be more receptive to sharing. Of course, that’s always his choice whether he would or not. The point is that it’s your twins who are fostering this animosity through their behavior and sense of entitlement; they expect your youngest to prepare meals and dishes for them with nothing of the same value in return.
No, fast food is not a fair trade for the amount of effort homemade food takes.” CrimsonKnight_004
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Your twins are old enough to learn how to cook. In fact, you should be pressing them to learn how to feed themselves properly so they’re not living off takeout when they leave your house and it’s not your 16-year-old’s job to feed them.
‘I told him if he’s not going to cook for everybody he can’t cook anymore’ — way to go, Dad. Your son had a really great hobby he enjoyed and because he doesn’t want it to be a chore (making more portions of a meal is more work), you told him you couldn’t do it.
You should have embraced your son and his creativity but instead, you restricted it. It’s not his job to feed your kids, he cooks to relax as you said so yourself and instead, you and his older brothers made his relaxing hobby inherently stressful.” psipolnista
16. AITJ For Wearing A Dress To A Funeral?
“I (MTF21) won’t go into too much detail, but essentially my dad has been terribly abusive to me my whole life.
He’s especially been homophobic and transphobic to me, as I am transfeminine. He never accepted me when I came out and treated me horribly for it.
I moved out the moment I turned 18 and started my transition properly.
I’ve since been fully out as a woman, and am living happily.
My grandfather strangely was never judgemental of me, and actually was extremely tolerant. He almost immediately started gendering me correctly and used my chosen name when everyone else didn’t.
In february, he passed away, and though I was iffy on whether I should attend his funeral because my dad would be there, I decided to. I loved my grandfather. However, my mother and father essentially ordered me not to wear anything feminine because they didn’t want me to ’cause a scene’.
I decided not to listen to them and told them id be attending in a dress. Nothing fancy, a very conservative-looking, simple dress. I think my grandpa would’ve wanted me to wear it.
When I got there, however, my father was greeting people. When he saw me come in, I saw a very clear change in his expression, but he held it in and didn’t say anything.
The rest of the funeral went ok, I avoided my father and tried to just ignore the looks from my family.
However when it was over, and everyone was heading to their cars to leave, my father approached me and began screaming at me that I had ruined this day, and how he couldn’t mourn properly because I was trying to intentionally cause a scene with my dress.
The whole family was watching and not intervening, just letting him go to town on me. I just tried to dismiss him so I could get home quicker, but he kept blocking me.
Later I received texts from my family telling me I should’ve, at least for today, ‘let go of the whole trans thing’.
So everyone could mourn properly.
I’m feeling really frustrated, but also really guilty for all the calls and for ruining my grandfather’s funeral.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You dressed as who you are and who your grandfather accepted you as, and if your father is only worried about your dress, he couldn’t have been mourning very much.
It’s good you cut ties with him. Even if you weren’t trans, you had every right to wear whatever you wanted, as long as it was appropriate to the occasion. As a woman who wears pants almost all the time, I don’t see why dresses/skirts are still gendered items; anyone, male or female, should get to wear them if they’d like.
Your dad doesn’t accept you for who you are, and he doesn’t respect your choices, either.” birdingisfun
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You didn’t ruin your grandfather’s funeral. Your father did and notice he managed to hold it together until everyone left and he could target you alone.
So the funeral was only ruined for the people who put the need to express transphobia over grieving a loved one.
I am sorry you have a family who can’t accept the fact you have transitioned and who seem to think it is a fad.
But don’t let them guilt you. Your grandfather accepted you and would have welcomed the person you are now. And the rest have had three years to get used to the idea so should not have been a surprise.” Timely_Egg_6827
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!
You are perfect and you get to own your identity and every expression of it. It’s wonderful your grandfather saw your true self and clearly loved you. May his memory be a blessing.
You were not trying to be the center of attention, just trying to pay your respects, and if other people’s bigotry keeps them from ‘mourning properly’ then that’s not on you.
Nothing was ruined by you being there and wearing a lovely outfit that you felt good about yourself in. Good grief, it wasn’t a pirate-themed wedding where you came dressed as a space alien and threw up on the officiant during the nuptials.
Your father’s verbal and physically abusive behavior is unforgivable.
The tacit support of his vileness from your other ‘family’ members is equally so.
Please be kind to yourself and surround yourself with a REAL chosen family who loves and supports you. The grief at losing your grandfather is complicated by the grief and maybe anger over the mistreatment from the other attendees, so find your tribe and keep them close.
You are wonderful, you deserve a happy love-filled life, and you don’t have to carry anyone else’s bigotry baggage. NTJ” Draktris
Cut ties with all of them, and surround yourself with people who like and accept you as you are.
15. AITJ For Saying My Sister Is Childish?
“I (25f) have many siblings and nieces/nephews, my oldest sister (34f) has 2 kids, sons 13 and 11.
Her oldest, Rhyland is a delight, he’s very caring, sweet, and overall fun to be around, even if teenage hormones can make him a bit rough sometimes. He’s also really close to my husband/his uncle, who I started going out with when I was in middle school.
My husband is also really close to Rhyland, Rhyland plays baseball and lacrosse and is the only person in our family who loves sports as much as he is my husband. Rhyland has known my husband for most of his life. Rhyland opens up to my husband about things he doesn’t even tell his parents about like crushes.
Her other son, Geoff is not pleasant to be around, he’s a bully, mean, and very demanding. He constantly tells his parents they’re doing chores wrong or scoffs at his brother’s interests, saying sports are for ‘stupid people’. He got suspended a couple of times in elementary school and has once since entering middle school this year.
Recently, Geoff got in trouble again at school because he was caught saying incredibly sexist things about his female peers, like calling them ‘dumb’ and saying that girls ‘belong in art class, not science’ and talking about how most CEOs are men. He was saying all of this in a group chat, Rhyland saw this group chat when Geoff showed Rhyland a meme one of the boys sent, which mocked a girl in Geoff’s class, Rhyland asked Geoff to send the meme and an investigation found that they were bullying kids.
This is a private school and they take this stuff seriously.
My sister is mad at Rhyland for ‘being a snitch’ and said that they could’ve ‘handled this internally’, Geoff could be facing some pretty severe consequences as the more they investigate, the worse it gets.
Geoff and his friends are in pretty serious trouble. Geoff’s friends’ parents are also mad.
We found out about this because Rhyland told my husband, who then asked if he could tell me. We told Rhyland he did the right thing and he thanked us, his friends have been making fun of Geoff and ensuring he did the right thing.
I went to call my sister to ask her about this and she said ‘I’m not mad at Rhyland, I’m disappointed’ but was insisting he was being mean for ‘snitching’ on his brother. I told her to stop being childish and that complaining about snitching made her sound like a 6-year-old.
She got mad at me and said I was ‘rude’ for name-calling her and she’s been passive-aggressive since. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister is for enabling the bullying behavior.
Geoff is a jerk for being a bully and rude to everyone he deems ‘unworthy’.
Rhyland did the right thing by reporting this bullying. Someone needs to check it NOW before it gets out of control. Your sister obviously isn’t, and yes, she’s childish for being ‘disappointed’ her other son ‘snitched’. Things like this do NOT get handled internally. They get brushed under the rug until they explode.” FantasyWarriorette
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it sounds like your sister enables Geoff’s behavior, and Rhyland has a conscience. Naturally, I can see why Geoff gets away with things… He’s the baby and he’s being treated like a baby. Good on Rhyland. As for the other parents being upset with Rhyland as well… Shame on them!
Parenting these days seems to be – Blame others for catching your kids being little brats, rather than having their kids taking responsibility.” Curious_Crew2927
Another User Comments:
“Choices have consequences. You’re NTJ and neither is Rhyland. Your sister and BIL are jerks. Tough to put all of this in an 11-year-old but let me just use an old biblical phrase.
‘A child left to raise itself will bring his mother shame’. In other words… why does a dog lick his balls, because he can. Obviously, the suspensions are not working and there appear to be zero consequences for the spoiled brat to reign him in.
As they get older, Rhyland will resent his brother and begin to hate his parents for their lack of guidance on Lord Geoffrey. Keep encouraging Rhyland and avoid Geoff until he gets his act together. Give yourself a safe boundary to keep his poison out of your lives.
Your sister will either pay now or pay later. Cheers.” indyJones3170
Right now public schools have kids beating each other up, hitting each other with ipads, yelling obscene phrases in the classroom, walking out of classes after telling the teacher to "F off" and you're totally freaked out about an 11 year old that doesn't know how to handle his puberty hormones yet?
Yes, this could have been, and should have been handled by parents. Geeze, give them a chance to parent. They raised the good kid, as well as the "rotten" kid, so they've got to be doing something right.
14. AITJ For Saying My Daughter Is Weird?
“My (46m) daughter (14f) was diagnosed with OCD this year. I will fully admit that it’s my fault for not getting her into treatment sooner because she’s been insisting on everything being in multiples of 3 since she could count.
Still, I can’t change the past, and now she’s got a diagnosis.
Her mother sent her to a psychiatrist who gave her the diagnosis but she’s refusing to see him anymore because she said that he scared her. That’s fine with me. I can’t make her see him.
But I was very clear with her that it’s up to her to manage herself if she keeps refusing help.
Since starting high school her insistence on the number 3 has gotten worse, but she’s still refusing to do anything about it. Her mother and I are divorced and share custody so I don’t fully know what’s going on at her house, but when she’s at mine she can’t even walk through a door without counting her steps and tapping the door 3 times.
My younger sister (30f) lives with me and has seen my daughter displaying this behavior, and she’s frequently told me after my daughter’s gone to bed, that she thinks I’m a bad father for raising a ‘neurotic, out-of-control child’ (her words, not mine).
So after a few days of this, I pulled my daughter aside and told her that she was being weird and needed to get her behavior under control.
I told her quite simply that it’s her prerogative if she thinks she can manage herself better than a doctor can but, in that case, she had better actually manage herself. I’m not going to be scorned for bad parenting when I’ve offered my daughter help.
My daughter started crying and refused to talk to me for a few days. Now she’s back at her mother’s house and her mother called me a jerk for calling my daughter weird. I don’t think I am. Am I?”
Another User Comments:
“Holy crap YTJ.
Your daughter cannot help herself. She cannot fix it.
She is 14 OF COURSE she doesn’t want to see a doctor! Are you seriously telling a 14-year-old girl who is suffering that she’s weird and needs to manage herself?
You and her mother are borderline neglectful for not getting her to help sooner.
You’re definitely neglectful for letting a child that is suffering be in charge of ‘fixing and managing herself’. Forget the OCD 14-year-olds still need help learning how to handle emotions! This is when they need your support the most.
Stop being a passenger in your child’s life and get in the driver’s seat before it’s too late.
Best of luck OP.” DoraTheUrbanExplorer
Another User Comments:
“You’re SO the jerk, without a doubt. Your daughter has a diagnosed condition and you call her weird just cause your sister, who’s even more of a jerk, called her a ‘neurotic, out-of-control child’? YTJ from the moment you didn’t stop your sister right then and there and threatened to kick her out if she ever called your daughter that again.
Also, just cause she felt threatened by one psychiatrist doesn’t mean she ‘refuses help’. You should’ve actually found out WHY she felt threatened, which is a lot more serious than ‘didn’t like him’, and offered to find another one.” s******o
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
OCD is hard to manage. All of you need to find a professional to talk to together as a unit. Your sister who lives with you also needs to understand the difficulties of your daughter and yourself. Not just tag her as ‘neurotic out of control’, or you as a bad father.
Try to get her a female psychiatrist if she feels uncomfortable with the male.
Your daughter is experiencing a lot of difficulties and the behavior cannot be controlled or stopped due to the OCD – this you need to understand. It is equally frustrating for her to be told to control it – she wants to control it but just can’t due to the way her brain is wired.
It can be managed to a certain extent with intensive psychotherapy and sometimes medication or other methods like deep brain stimulation. There is no magic pill for it, only lifetime management.
But please never ever call her weird again. I can imagine how difficult her life is in high school – kids do notice such behaviors and some may mock her.” sarpofun
13. AITJ For Getting Pregnant Before My Friend's Wedding?
“My (28f) friend Sarah (26f) is getting married next week and I’m her maid of honor.
I should be excited, but this whole situation has caused me a lot of anxiety because I’m 8 months pregnant and she isn’t happy about it.
You see, Sarah and her fiancé Dave got engaged two years ago and decided they’d get married on their anniversary which is so sweet and very them.
As Sarah’s maid of honor, I’ve been helping her plan and navigate through all of the many complicated feelings that go with being a bride- especially with setting boundaries with family members who don’t understand that this wedding is about Sarah and Dave and not them.
One of the major setbacks was the fact that they want to have a childless wedding. Because of Sarah’s anxiety, I took up deescalate some of her family members that demanded to be ‘the exception’ and were able to help talk down all of the people who felt entitled to this wedding.
All was well with the world until I found out I was pregnant. My husband and I have been actively trying to have a baby for the past few years with no luck. I have some medical issues which make having children extremely challenging for me, and when I found out I thought Sarah would be happy for me but she told me I was incredibly selfish.
She did the math and figured out I’d be due around the date of her wedding- which (she reminded me) I knew about well in advance. I tried to explain myself, but she wouldn’t hear it. She said if I was really her friend, I would have planned around her wedding.
I told her I realized she was hurt, but I wasn’t about to put my plans on hold for her. She got even more upset. She didn’t understand how I could spend all that time telling her loved ones not to bring children to her wedding only to turn around and do it myself.
I was shocked. I’m not due until the week after her wedding so technically wouldn’t be bringing a baby to the wedding. She then expressed how she was concerned about me going into labor at her wedding and started crying. I assured her that wouldn’t happen, and for the past couple of months, she’s been bringing this concern up to me repeatedly and making comments about my body changing and the pictures, etc. She’s mentioned more than once she’s worried I’ll be taking attention away from her and now I’m starting to believe it.
Last night some of the other bridesmaids went out drinking with Sarah and I guess my pregnancy came up again because I’ve received quite a few texts and snaps telling me that I’m a bad friend and don’t deserve to be a part of this wedding.
They’ve even called me a jerk for planning my pregnancy during the wedding. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Congratulations on your pregnancy! It’s understandable that you’re excited about this new chapter in your life, especially after trying for so long. Sarah’s reaction to your pregnancy is completely unwarranted and frankly, quite selfish.
It’s not fair for her to expect you to put your plans on hold for her wedding, especially since you’re not due until after the wedding. Her concern about you going into labor at the wedding seems like an irrational fear that’s more about her being the center of attention rather than genuine concern for your well-being.
Furthermore, her reaction to your pregnancy seems hypocritical considering how she wanted a childless wedding and expected her loved ones to respect that boundary. It’s not fair for her to demand that you adhere to a standard that she herself wasn’t willing to follow.
The fact that her other bridesmaids are ganging up on you and calling you names is also not okay.
It’s important to remember that your worth as a friend is not determined by your ability to conform to someone else’s expectations.
In summary, Sarah is being unreasonable and selfish, and you should not feel guilty for planning your pregnancy according to your own timeline.
Your priority right now should be taking care of yourself and your growing family, and if Sarah can’t understand that, then perhaps she’s not as good a friend as you thought.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
There is a selfish person in this story, but it definitely isn’t you.
It has become pretty clear at this point that Sarah is no longer your friend. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that she has become your bully, so what I would do is pull out of the wedding and cut her off entirely.
Friends don’t treat each other like this and you don’t deserve to be dealing with her crap at any point in your life – much less when you’re about to give birth.” ImStealingTheTowels
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It is the most incredible moment for you, being the first-time mum.
True friends should be happy with you. Your friend sounds extremely selfish even accusing you of being self-centered.
People are planning wedding way ahead and it is a jerk move to expect that anyone involved in the wedding preparation would put his life on hold for them.
Not for two (!) years!
I am also expecting right now and I can’t even imagine that anyone from my surroundings would be mad at me for being pregnant. And vice versa. Two weeks ago my SIL announce t that she was also pregnant, with her 3rd.
Am I accusing her of stealing attention from me and my pregnancy? Of course NO! I am happy with her
I wish you better friends. This was a big test and they didn’t pass it. I’m sorry that it happened to you.” Glitched_ES
12. AITJ For Telling My Parents I Don't Want Kids?
“My older brother is unemployed, had almost always been unemployed, and has no intention to ever work. His life plan is to live off of our mother until she dies, then our father if he happens to live longer, then live off his inheritance.
Or maybe he will try to mooch off of another relative, I don’t know.
Our parents have tried to get him to work, they did everything in their power to arrange him job positions where he didn’t even have to interview, but no. He always comes up with an excuse as to why that job is not good enough for him.
He is my brother, so I love him of course, but at the same time, I’m ashamed of him and with how his actions hurt our parents.
I turned 30 this week and we celebrated it with my family yesterday. My mom said she was 30 when she had me and asked me when my husband and I will have kids.
I told her I’m not sure if I’m up to the job, raising children seems too difficult to me. She asked what I meant and I told her that I don’t think I would be able to properly parent a child, correct their misbehaviors and deal with them possibly not living up to my expectations – which is not fair to the child either.
She pressed further and my father joined in, acting like they don’t understand what I mean; until I finally told them that I’m afraid my child would turn out like my brother for example, and I don’t think I could deal with that.
They got quiet for a second and I saw that they finally understood what I meant.
The problem was that even though my brother was having a different conversation with one of our cousins, he heard what I said, looked at me, said ‘Nice’ and walked out.
Our parents said that I shouldn’t have said what I said (even though they admit they pressured me to explain and understand my concerns) because it’s already really hard to get my brother to come to family events and now I made it even worse.
They want me to apologize to him.
I didn’t mean for him to hear that and I feel bad, but seriously, he is a 34-year-old man refusing to get a job, I think it’s time we stop coddling him. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Sounds like you don’t want children for more reasons than just your brother.
Stand firm and don’t let your parents argue with you about it. It’s really not their business if you have children or not nor is your reasoning.
Your brother is the jerk. Screw him and his feelings. What a lazy, worthless human whose plan is to mooch off your folks and then someone else.
Your parents are enabling his behavior and that doesn’t do anyone any favors. He will never feel good about himself until he gets off his butt and goes to work. Not your problem and neither are his feelings.” COskiier-5691
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They asked and wouldn’t take your evasions.
It’s not your fault that they pushed you to be honest and then were unhappy with what they heard.
Though personally, I don’t agree with your reasoning; why, because your parents didn’t do a good job with your brother, would that mean you might also do a poor job of raising a child?
It’s not a condition that’s inherited. That said, if you’re not that interested in having children, for whatever reason, that’s fine too.
I don’t know what you can do about your brother’s situation though. I’ve known families where, if the adult son/daughter didn’t have a job, they were kicked out of the house.
Tough love. Sometimes that’s what it takes. But it doesn’t sound like your parents are up to that kind of thing. Family counseling is the only thing I can think of.
I don’t know that I’d apologize either. That’s how you feel. And it doesn’t sound like you have a close relationship with him anyway.
Maybe if he says anything you can be honest about how you feel, like how you phrased things here.” stroppo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He needed to hear it, and your parents need to cut him off. They might be lovely people, but they’ve cultivated this behavior from him.
Here’s the thing. Every child is different, but the parent stays the same. They’ve made choices that have enabled your brother. It doesn’t mean you will make the same choices. This means that you are a parent, not a friend. A parent first and when they become adults, hopefully, friend second.
Too many parents these days give their kids everything without consequences or accountability. Here’s a car, oh you smashed it. Here’s another one. Do you have any idea how many teenagers are unaware of how to budget, clean, or cook for themselves? The entitlement runs deep for not just this generation but many before it.
It mostly has to do with parents wanting to give children everything they couldn’t have, but they aren’t taught to appreciate it.
You could be a great patent if you are aware of the pitfalls. But no one is perfect. Bad things happen, and kids are also shaped by the outside environment you have no control over or can be present for.
But being child-free can also be great. But don’t decide something out of fear. It could become one of your greatest regrets.” ryvvwen
11. AITJ For Wanting My Mom To Call My Daughter By Her Real Name?
“I am a new father. From the moment my mother found out my fiancé and I were having a baby she wanted to be very involved. Before we found out the gender my fiancé and I already planned and came up with the name of our child.
We picked out a boy’s name and a girl’s name respectively. Both names were rejected by my mom, dad, and aunt. My parents wanted to name our baby. They said that this is their first grandchild and should have the right to name it.
For days we were pressured into changing the names that we decided on to the names my parents wanted. I finally put my foot down and said no. This is our child and we will name it whatever we decide to name the baby.
About a month passed and we found out that our baby is going to be a girl. For privacy’s sake let’s call her Jessica. Jessica was the name that my fiancé and I decided to go with because it just felt right. However, my parents insisted on calling her Jasmine because it was stuck in their heads.
Every time they call her Jasmine I repeat her name is Jessica. This was an everyday occurrence up until the day my baby girl was born.
Now that she is born and on her signed birth certificate it says Jessica there is nothing my parents can do.
However, they still call her Jasmine. I’ve recently gotten into an argument with my mother over it. She said that yes her legal name is Jessica but I will call her Jasmine because that’s the name that is stuck in my head. I told her no her name is Jessica, you cannot call her a name that is not the one we gave her.
I explained to her that she can call her any nickname or pet name she likes. But she will not disrespect me as the father of my child by calling her the name that SHE wants and not the name I have given my child.
She said that I am being disrespectful by telling her not to call her anything other than Jessica.
It’s not that I don’t want her to give her a nickname or pet name. I just feel like she is undermining my fiancé and I decided to name our daughter.
Am I the jerk for wanting my daughter to be called by her given name and not a name my mom wants?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This would mess with your kid’s head and no grandparents don’t get name approval, behavior approval, or anything else.
All they did was sleep around and you came along. Then you slept around. It’s not special. Anyone can do that. This doesn’t mean your kid isn’t special to you but in the grand scheme of things if they want a Jessica they can get busy.
They’re seeking to actively undermine you over a name. They’re not thinking about the confusion or hurt this can cause your kid. As someone who has jerks for a family to the point I had to go no contact with them to not die? Undermining identity is one of the most harmful treatments I have experienced. It’s psychological mistreatment.
Both against you and your wife and your baby.
So I’d suggest telling them what they did wrong and cutting them off. No access to your kid. If they want to die on this hill the relationship does too because you have to protect your kid.
They’re being very controlling in a way that’s got grandparents kidnapping baby vibes. Doesn’t mean they will go that far but it’s absolutely not out of the realm of possibility based on my own life experience.
You need to make it clear this isn’t just a name boundary.
This is an everything boundary. No alone time with the kid because they have violated trust on this in such a massive way it’s a circus tent, not a red flag. There’s no amount of pasta big enough for the marinara they have spilled. There’s no bigger crap than they just laid out.
Whatever euphemism you want to go with this is incredibly concerning to me.” FirebirdWriter
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Start calling your mom by a different name. And if she objects, tell her ‘That’s the name that is stuck in my head.”
And ramp it up.
Whenever you are with her, call things by different names.
Instead of saying, ‘Please open the door’, say ‘Please open the wozzenpoof.’ And when she calls you on it, say, ‘That’s the name that is stuck in my head.’
Or if you want her to pass the salt, say ‘Mrs. Garbendorf), (not her name) please pass the schnizzel.’ And when she fails to understand, DO NOT say the item name.
Describe what you want. ‘That white seasoning in the yellow container.’ Or ‘that yellow stuff you put on hot dogs.’
And when she complains, say ‘That’s the name that is stuck in my head.’
And do this ALL THE TIME around her.
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Do it till she’s BEGGING you to use normal names for things. Then ask her if she can make the name Jessica stick in her head.
And if she goes back to Jasmine, then you go back to calling things (and her) weird names.
And if nothing else works let your dad visit the child separately. Maybe having limited contact with your daughter would help her memory issues.” Effective-Several
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your parents are acting like entitled brats, starting with where they thought they had the right to name their Grandchild… no.
They are insisting on calling your child something that is not her name or even a nickname associated with her name, like Jessie.
If they are this disrespectful now and you can’t get it under control it will get worse as your baby gets older.
What you say won’t matter in any situation and they won’t hesitate to disrespect and disregard what you’ve said. You have to figure out how to get them to respect boundaries and unfortunately, with parents, it’s usually a stretch of no contact that makes them reconsider what they are doing.
Best of luck and congratulations!” Wild_Personality8897
10. WIBTJ If I Don't Agree To Change The Hearing Date?
“I have a child by my ex. We’re involved in an ongoing court case; I won’t go into details, but this latest hearing is taking place because my ex wants our child to live with him instead of me. He has been told that it’s extremely unlikely, but he wants to persist, which is his choice obviously.
He was abusive to me and my daughter and during our relationship, and eventually, I moved to another county because I didn’t want to be anywhere near him. I have a prohibited steps order against him, and he has repeatedly broken the terms of the current court order.
He said that he is struggling to get time off for the upcoming hearing, and asked if I would try and postpone it.
I wasn’t even aware that there was a new hearing date, and neither was my solicitor, so for now, I have told my ex that I will contact him when I know what’s going on.
I just want to get this over with, and I don’t want to postpone the hearing. I don’t know if he just flat-out can’t get here, or if it’ll just be tricky. If he doesn’t attend, then obviously a decision will be made in his absence.
Like I said, he has already been told that our child won’t be moved, but because contact stopped for a while for various reasons, he said he wants residency to change so that he can make up for a lost time, which is not a valid reason as far as the court is concerned.
I don’t feel like cutting him any slack because he has made this whole process as difficult as possible, and he treated me and our child like garbage for so many years. He has tried to push me into submitting to his whims so many times, and honestly, I’m sick of it.
AITJ if I don’t agree to change the hearing date? I don’t know if I’m being unfair. My husband says it’s petty to not change the date just because of my personal feelings about my ex.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
First of all, your ‘personal feelings’ are completely valid and relevant, and shouldn’t be dismissed.
Second, if your ex wants this to happen so badly, then he needs to put the effort into being there on the scheduled date.
Third, this is about where your daughter is going to live, and his getting time off is a factor to consider when parenting.
You don’t get to just reschedule important things because they’re inconvenient in parenthood.” Rredhead926
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If your ex was an abusive jerk, do what is required by law. And no more. These types of people do not deserve the slightest bit of consideration in return.
These are not ‘personal feelings’ either. For you to get that kind of court order, I assume you have to do a lot more than just have ‘personal feelings’ about a matter.
If he’s violated the court order, you can bring this up and possibly, if you’re able, get full custody so you can permanently ban your ex from your and your daughter’s life.
But you’re totally not a jerk for refusing to postpone the court date. He knows the current date, as do you.” bmyst70
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Toxic exes will use the court system to manipulate and punish the other party and dragging out court proceedings is one of their top tactics.
Your job is to do what’s best for you and for your child. That means wrapping up this hearing as quickly as possible and moving forward with your life. If he really has a valid reason for postponing he’ll be able to do so by having his lawyer contact the court.
Let him solve his own problems.
If he continues to harass you about this I’d talk to your lawyer about having a court order that all future communication must go through one of those court-approved co-parenting apps. You block him on regular voice and messaging, he can only contact you through the app and all communications are recorded and available for any future judge to look at.” pupperoni42
9. AITJ For Wanting My Husband To Watch Our Daughter Dance?
“My daughter is 3 and she’s started going to ballet classes this year. She’s normally very shy so she won’t dance in front of family, including her dad, but she told me she wanted to show him her dance so I interrupted him while he was speaking to his family as this was a pretty big deal.
He watched her dance and it didn’t take more than 5 minutes and while he did give the appropriate response in front of her he was also angry at me for interrupting him for her to show him her dance. He thinks it could’ve waited but I know how our daughter is and she would’ve started feeling discouraged and not want to do the dance in front of him if we had waited.
I said he had a cold heart after he said I was being ridiculous for saying our daughter should be the most important person in his life. He told me to stop sulking over what happened today as it’s been a few days but that’s only made me angry all over again.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If the 3-year-old is shy, you pay attention when they actively seek it out. As they grow older, you teach them manners. You’re encouraging them to do the opposite of their nature.
If it’s a constant occurs because they’re NOT shy, that’s when you work on not interrupting when they’re that young.
Again, You’re encouraging them to do the opposite of their nature.
It’s all about encouraging the appropriate middle ground – the outgoing learn to rein it in as appropriate and the shy learn to interrupt some of the time.” Just_here2020
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re 100% right that his daughter should be the most important person in his life, except if he has other children. Any father who disagreed should never have become a father. The fact that he doesn’t see it that way is very concerning in my opinion.
The fact that he dismisses your anger and concerns so easily and seems to have a complete lack of empathy is another one. I wonder if he doesn’t see the problem or just doesn’t want to admit that he’s wrong. If it’s the first it’s a major issue, if it’s the second he should grow up.” Weareallme
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Kids deserve positive reinforcement from their parents. He shouldn’t be mad that his kid wants to show him something she worked hard on. Many kids also grow up to remember how only one parent really cared enough to show up for their performances.
Once ballet gets harder any feelings about her dad not caring about it may cause her to quit. That could turn into a cycle of quitting all their passions because her father doesn’t care why should she.
A good example is kids in school who don’t care about poor grades because their parents don’t even care if they made it to school(besides the threat of being reported).
And a child existing is not a nuisance.” Neravariine
8. AITJ For Not Paying The Former Nanny Extra?
“Several months ago we found out that we would have to move for work reasons. We told our kid’s nanny about it about 3 months before our planned move. We offered her months of extra wages in addition to her regular wages if she stayed with us until the very end.
Now we understand that she would want to be looking for new work so we said she could take time off for interviews during this in-between time. We could handle childcare in that case but stressed that we really needed her there the last week because of all the stuff that we would be dealing with.
Especially since my mother-in-law (who is our backup babysitter) would be unavailable that week.
A week and a half before the move she told us she had gotten a new job elsewhere and would not be able to come in that last week. This really left us screwed for childcare and we were scrambling the whole time to figure out what to do.
We ended up having to push back our move date and this led to us having to cancel work we had scheduled to be done at our new house. It was really a big headache.
It’s been a few weeks since then and things have finally calmed down for the most part.
I had mostly gotten over the whole thing until now. Our ex-nanny messaged yesterday about getting the extra month of wages. he said she wasn’t going to ask, but her friend was convinced she deserved it since she continued working for us for mostly the whole time before we moved when she could have gotten settled with a new job much earlier.
My wife feels guilty and is wondering if we should pay her a prorated amount for the amount of time she continued to work. That would basically be the full amount though and I don’t think she deserves it after she bailed last minute when she knew we needed her most. Those earlier weeks weren’t as important as we had other options for childcare.
That’s why we said she could take time off for interviews whenever. Honestly, if she had left earlier it would have made things easier for us since we would have at least had more notice than a couple of days.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You had an agreement that she would stay until the end of your time before the move.
She broke that agreement. Violating a contract means you don’t get any extra compensation or anything. You made concessions so that she could interview for a new job and then got that new job. Had she told her new job that she was contracted until a certain date and that her start would be the day after, she would have stayed the whole time and gotten the bonus month of pay.
Pay her for what she actually worked, and not a penny more. She doesn’t deserve that extra money.” R3dmund
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She could have told her new job that she would be available to start the week after you left. She didn’t.
She gave you no notice, and it cost you quite a lot – more than the bonus you had offered her, more than it would have if she had just quit much earlier for any of those jobs she claims she could have had.
A clear, calm, professional response explaining why she is not entitled to that bonus is all that’s required. She didn’t earn even a portion of it.” swillshop
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Although your irritation at her prioritizing her job security over your convenience smacks a little of entitlement. Just saying.
However, that may be, the extra money was offered in exchange for your nanny staying with you right up until you left.
She did nothing wrong accepting new work sooner; and though it would have been good to have more notice, that’s not always possible in these situations.
Her jerk move was to ask you for the money despite not honoring the arrangement the money depended on.
Her ‘friend’ is encouraging her to be entitled.” dizzysap
7. AITJ For Not Wanting To Speak To My Mom?
“My mother has a tendency to ‘cut me off’ when she feels like I’ve wronged her – it’s usually when I stand up for myself or I do something she disapproves of. She hates my husband and nothing I seem to do is satisfactory.
She is/was very close to my kids – likes picking them up, talking on the phone every day, etc. I also talked to my mother daily until this, so this last estrangement has been a doozy for me. Unbeknownst to me, my mother had been talking to my 13-year-old about the 3 miscarriages I had during the global crisis and telling her why I had no business having another baby, my mother also told my daughter she could run away to her house and that she’d take me and her dad to court for child support, my mother has lied and lead my then-13-year-old to believe that I am very sick, but that she can’t tell me she knows because I would get upset – I am not sick.
For longer than I realized, my mother has been feeding my children outright lies about me and their dad (probably a lot more than I know) that I’ve starting discovered more and more over the past several months. It has now been almost 7 months with no contact – she’s missed all of our birthdays and holidays and hasn’t attempted to reach out once.
I spoke to one of my siblings and they mentioned that my mother feels like these things just happen in life sometimes and you just have to be okay with it. I really don’t know how to fix it or if I should be the one who once again tries to mend the relationship because she never does or apologizes.
My therapist says to give it more time because she has never had to fix it before. Meanwhile, my daughter has turned 14 and also went to her 1st dance and my mother didn’t make contact at all, so I figure she really doesn’t care either way.
I only found out about all of what’s been going on because a conversation between my daughter and my mother was accidentally recorded and sent to me. I couldn’t even listen to it all at first – too heartbreaking. Why pretend to help and love me and hurt me at the same time?
I had one conversation with my mother right after I listened to the recordings and she took zero responsibility and deflected. After, I wrote her a letter expressing feelings and trying to make sense of why she’d do such a thing and she responded that I was being immature and that if I wanted to speak to her I need to sit down and communicate face-to-face with her and my 13-year-old daughter like a woman.
I just felt like writing about some of it here. I ask myself if I’m ready to have no contact with my mother for the rest of my life. I’m not, but there have to be boundaries before we can move forward and if she doesn’t accept them, I guess I have no choice.
AITJ for not trying to fix the relationship and cutting off communication?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
‘For longer than I realized, my mother has been feeding my children outright lies about me and their dad (probably a lot more than I know) that I’ve started discovering more and more over the past several months.’
Your mother is poisoning your relationship with your children. Even if they realize at some point that her words are untrue, the feelings these lies create will not just disappear when they learn the truth.
It looks like she’s trying to create a situation in which she is the children’s ‘trusted advisor’, possibly hoping she can get them to ‘cut you off’ when she does.
Do not let her turn your children into ‘flying monkeys’ against you.
Your therapist is right. Your mother knows from experience that no matter what she does the ‘cutting off’ is a punishment for you and you will eventually apologize and she can resume her behavior.
I know you’re not ready to have no contact with your mother for the rest of your life, but are you ready to have your relationships with your children poisoned via your relationship with your mother? Which do you value more?
Stay the course. Protect your family.” wirelesstrainer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Why are you still trying to have a relationship with your mother? She doesn’t love you and never has. She’s trying to poison your kids against you, for Pete’s sake! Just cut her out, once and for all. Just because someone has birthed and raised you, doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship with them.
You will never, ever be good enough for her no matter what you do. And if I were you, I’d specifically prohibit her from having any permission to pick your kids up from school. Talk to the office staff about getting it in writing in each child’s file.” sharirogers
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
First off – why does your mother think it’s appropriate to tell your young teenager about your miscarriages, or that you shouldn’t have more children? That’s heartbreaking.
Your mom is toxic, just like mine. I go on obligatory holidays and that’s it.
There’s no fixing for the mother who won’t get help for her mental health issues. There’s no fixing the mother who doesn’t see the wrong in what she does. If she trash-talks you to your children now, it will always be that way.
People don’t change. I’m sorry, and I understand what you are going through.” Ok_Poet_1622
6. AITJ For Leaving My Friend Alone In The Apartment?
“I (26F) and my friend (25M) ‘John’ are both in the military. I just moved to a new post in December and he and I met in January. We went on a 30-day training exercise together and just got back. We’ve only just started talking to each other less than 2 months ago, he tells people he’s my ‘gay best friend’ but I only consider us acquaintances.
He is a rank lower than me and has to live in the barracks but I don’t.
When we got back, he said he lost his barracks key and doesn’t have the means to get it that night. He said he can only get it the next Monday (we arrived on a weekend).
He asked to stay with me for those days and I said yes. When the weekday came, I drove him to work and then he texted me at the end of the day to say he couldn’t find his barracks manager and needed to come back to my place.
He invited someone he’s never met to my house, he woke me up at midnight to go pick up his friend that was also apparently locked out of his barracks room. He woke me up at 04:00 the next morning to take the friend back.
John spent the entire week in my house, and I have had to drive him and this other guy everywhere. At the end of the week, he told me that he still hadn’t found his barracks manager and that he will be spending the 4-day weekend at my house.
I am an introvert and I do not like people in my space for that long. I also do not have furniture besides a bed and a chair so I’ve been sleeping on the ground this whole time. After sleeping outside on the ground for 16 days during this exercise and on an uncomfortable cot for the rest of the days, you can see how I might want my bed instead of the floor.
I am also doing online college and classes started while he was with me but I could not study or attend Zoom classes in the house because he’s loud and is always interrupting me.
I finally had enough and I booked a hotel room for the 4-day weekend.
I lied and told him I was going out of town for the weekend. Somebody else we work with saw me in town and must have told him. He texted me and accused me of being a bad friend, claiming he only stayed because he didn’t want me to be lonely over the 4 days and that he thought I enjoyed his company.
He said I was a terrible person for lying about where I was. He put me on blast on our platoon group page and accused me of being fake.
Multiple people from the group have texted me and are saying it was bad of me to leave him alone in the house, that I shouldn’t have offered to let him stay with me if I was just going to abandon him, and that I shouldn’t have lied to him about where I was.
I think I might be the jerk because I lied about where I was and because I left him by himself in my apartment all weekend knowing he had no car to get around. I also think I have the right to want some peace and quiet and an actual bed after everything I went through the month prior.
I am bringing it to you, impartial people. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This guy was being irresponsible and a jerk by just hanging around your place forever and demanding rides from you. It’s ok to tell people he’d been there over a week and you just wanted to sleep in a bed and have some quiet to study.
HOWEVER, it doesn’t really seem like you told him he was an inconvenience. It’s ok to say, ‘It’s been fun having you here but now I need to get back to my regular routine. If you don’t find your barracks manager today you’ll need to figure out someplace else to stay.’
It is also good to set boundaries with people who try to progress relationships too fast. His thinking you’re besties when you think you’re acquaintances is a red flag of trouble in the future. When people do that it is a signal to detach more.” snackmomster76
Another User Comments:
“So let me this straight. You outrank this guy yet you are allowing him to call the shots? As a soldier with some kind of rank, you should know how military housing/barracks works and how to put this guy in touch with the relevant housing manager or soldiers responsible for dealing with lost keys.
I have a suspicion that he is either lying to you or he’s going to get in some kind of trouble for losing his key. Either way, how is this your problem? He is a GUEST in your home that has outstayed his welcome.
Furthermore, why are you taxiing him and his friend around?
He should be the one taking the floor or a hotel room and not bringing back strangers uninvited. Furthermore, why are you letting this guy who you’ve only known for a couple of months stay alone in your home doing god knows what and letting complete strangers in?
Get onto his commanding officer and get this resolved. Kick him out of your home and change your locks for good measure. You seem to have mentally checked out from dealing with this kind of this conflict for some unknown reason. YTJ to yourself. Sort your crap out, soldier!” ToxicDinosawr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but as a female member of the military you need to develop your steel backbone. You do not have the luxury of being this non-confrontational with men. It is a different era than when I served but you still need to guard your reputation and your privacy better than in Fort Knox.
This guy is being abusive to you and you are letting it happen. Nowhere on gods green earth can someone not find the barracks manager for a week. That’s not even a thing. He had multiple ways to get into his room. He just enjoyed the freedom and privilege of the space that you pay for.
You can fix this but you gonna have to put on your armored undergarments at this point. He is not your friend. Stop treating him as such. He is proven himself to be an adversary and the only way to combat adversaries is to beat them at their own game.
He no longer has access to you. Access to you was a privilege. Make sure you let him know that you no longer will tolerate any of his antics and that you are not able to help him with anything else. Give him his Senior NCo’s number and the number to the base police.
He is no longer your problem.
Seriously, though you have to do better about allowing random men into your home. The rumors that start from something innocent will follow you your whole career.” bluepvtstorm
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – you’re the jerk to yourself.
You’re letting someone you don’t even know walk all over you, and you’ve admitted you don’t even consider him a friend. You should have told him no at some point. While I understand the conflict avoidance, you absolutely made the situation worse by leaving him at your place.
Realistically, all you had to do was not give him a ride back to your apartment. I’ve never lived in barracks but I assume the best way to find the manager is to be there – especially when other people who live there could let you in – and not at a random apartment.
It’s clear he’s using you and is a jerk for that but you did agree to let him stay again (knowing what happened last time) and give him a ride back, and since you never said that wasn’t ok he had every reason to expect you to be around.
If you don’t learn to say no this will keep happening to you and you will be partially responsible for the outcome.” Ignrancewasbliss
Second... you outrank him. You aren't supposed to be hanging out together.
Third... he's got his friend from the barracks staying over. They're using your place for cuddle time. Nip that in the bud. Your place is not the local meetup for them to get it on.
Forth... you are not their taxi.
And lastly... you're trying to study & he won't quiet down? Nope, you should have taken him back to his barracks immediately at that point. It's his problem on how to get in.
5. AITJ For Adjusting My Partner's Headlight Settings?
“My partner and I each have our own cars, but we mostly only use his since he has the one parking spot allotted at our residence. Occasionally I drive his car due to convenience or if he’s been drinking.
My car is older and requires headlights to be turned on/off manually. He has a newer car where the default setting for headlights is automatic.
It has now happened three times where he’s started driving his car at night with no headlights on, only to realize this error when other drivers have flashlights.
This has happened after I’ve driven it because I manually switch the lights to the ‘off’ setting (out of habit on my car) instead of leaving it in ‘auto’. The first time this happened, he was upset but just asked me to be cognizant of it in the future.
This recent third time it happened, he was extremely upset and nearly yelling at me, calling it a serious safety issue that’s been brought it up before. The lit-up dashboard and DRL don’t make it clear when headlights are off, making it easy to not notice when driving at night, which I get.
He got very mad at me over this latest infraction and said ‘This is my car and I’ve asked you not to change my settings’. I think he’s overreacting and should pay attention to the headlight settings when he’s driving. The solution I offered is to just stop driving his car so there’s no mixup.
AITJ for changing the headlight settings?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He’s agreed that you can drive his car. When you share your car, it is absolutely normal that every driver has their settings, eg where the seat is, the position of mirrors, etc. You should always make the car you’re driving as safe as possible for you.
Sharing a car means having to redo your settings after someone else drove it. It’s annoying, but it’s part of the deal. You obviously should try to get rid of the habit of turning off the automatic light modus.
But as long as he’s comfortable with you driving him in his car WHEN HE’S WASTED, he should shut up.
Maybe putting a Post-it on the light switch with a big NO! could help you get rid of this habit.
Also, you’re not even doing it on purpose. While this issue might be annoying, it’s not jerk material.” RockingNeverland
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You should BOTH check. You check before you get out. He checks when he gets in. You’re not intentionally messing with his ‘settings’ you’re doing something out of muscle memory, which is fair. Just before you get out of the car try and remember to check.
But it’s not that big of a deal for him to ALSO check. I think this is kind of a stupid argument and y’all should pick your battles. Sound like a couple of school girls fighting over some lipgloss. You BOTH drive the car, you should BOTH be aware.
PS. How clueless is he if he starts driving, AT NIGHT, without his lights on? Like that’s on him being clueless.” Kastle69
Another User Comments:
“Every single time you get in your car, there are things that should be checked before driving away. At night, that includes lights.
I do not care if they are automatic or not. You should be walking around your car to see if any lights are out If you don’t do that, THAT’S a safety issue. Not confirming your lights are on and functioning properly is the safety issue.
She isn’t turning them off to be rude or because she doesn’t care, she’s just used to doing it so her battery isn’t dead in the morning.
He’s choosing to literally yell at her over something that isn’t a big deal. If it was dark enough where they live to be a safety problem, then he should know before he starts driving and he can turn a tiny knob without being a baby.
If it isn’t dark enough that he notices then it isn’t a big deal.
NTJ” Skithien
4. AITJ For Saying It's Not Our Responsibility To Watch My Mother-In-Law's Kids All The Time?
“I (22m) have been married to my wife Lani (22) for 8 months but together since high school. We have a one-year-old daughter together.
We live on the same property as her parents, but in a different house.
Lani has 4 younger siblings who live in the other house ages 13, 12, 10, and 7. Moving into the property we did agree to sometimes watch the kids. We had also discussed with MIL her being home more when the baby is born, to which she agreed. MIL works at a casino, and since we’ve been staying there she’s turned that into her job, and hobby.
Working, then getting wasted and high hanging out after work. This included her being gone 5-6 days out of the week, sometimes till 4 or 5 am, hours after her promising time of being home.
Since we’ve had our daughter this has become harder and harder to Maintain all the children while working and taking care of our child.
I brought this up to her the other day about how we felt she was taking advantage and how she really needed to be home more since we have a baby of our own. She got angry and said we agreed to help watch the kids and how nice she is for letting us rent out her other trailer.
I then said, we had agreed to watch them sometimes, but it isn’t our job to watch YOUR kids.
This really annoyed her and caused a huge argument. She went on this huge rant about how bills need to be paid, and how a 13-year-old can’t be left alone with 3 younger kids.
She’s also threatening to raise our rent. I really don’t think it is an unreasonable request to ask her to watch her own kids.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but she’s going to hold this over on you as long as you live on her property even if you are paying rent.
She’s not holding up to the agreement but she likely had a different idea of what that agreement would really look like vs. you. I’m guessing your wife was the chief babysitter prior to your marriage too and she’s being expected to continue.
The way you get out of this is to move elsewhere and not be dependent on your MIL, preferably a good enough distance away that she can’t try and dump the kids off on you either.
Though you are going to need to look out for the kids, I’m sure the MIL will take advantage of the older ones shortly as well.” KarmaWillGetYa
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You and your wife for agreeing to ‘sometimes’ care for 4 children while having a baby yourselves, and not clearly defining how much childcare you were willing to take on.
You’re young though, and you may not have learned the important lesson that opportunistic people will run right over you and your boundaries if given the chance. This is especially true in your case since your MIL controls your housing situation and can use it against you.
Your MIL is a jerk for dumping her 4 kids on you all of the time and for holding your living situation over your heads if you do not do what she wants. You were unwise to give your MIL this power over you in the first place, but you can learn from this.
Move out and take your lives back!” John_Wilson_did_it
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Even if you exaggerated any bit of this story, it doesn’t excuse her actions (or lack of them). She needs to be a mother not only to the kids you help her take care of but to your wife as well.
22 is NOTHING in life. You guys have so much to look forward to and deserve to live with your child without the burden of constantly taking care of other kids. You might love them and even your MIL but they are not your responsibility. You are renting and not living there for free but even if you were she can’t dump her kids on you when she feels like it because of that.
She needs to grow up and be a parent or cut your rent or something that would make being there worth it.” bnjvbnjv
3. WIBTJ If I Telling My Brother's Partner To Stop Being So Clingy?
“I (F21) moved out in August 2020. Both of my little brothers (M17, M19) still live with our parents (M49, F50).
In November of 2022, the youngest of my little brothers started seeing a girl (F18). In December during the Christmas celebrations, my brother confessed to our mom and me that she was angry with him because he wasn’t spending enough time talking to her.
I finally ended up meeting her in January and in total, I’ve met her three times now.
She seems like a really sweet person and I could totally see myself hanging out with her. But every time I come and visit my mom tells me that she is there 6/7 days a week and spends the night. She also writes a bunch of stuff she wants to eat on the grocery list which is stuff my parents don’t even buy for themselves because it’s so expensive.
She also refuses to eat leftovers and throws away a ton of food. My brother has apparently also told our mom that he doesn’t have time to see his friends as much as he wants to because she doesn’t want to be alone at my parents’ house.
Her presence there has also made me uncomfortable because I’m so used to it just being the five of us and I can just walk around without clothes if I feel like it (and yes that is normal in my family). It just doesn’t feel the same when there is a stranger in the house all the time when I’m visiting.
And I know that at least my oldest brother and mom feel the same way. But no one seems to want to deal with it because my little brother has finally found love and they don’t want to ruin their relationship.
So would I be the jerk if I tried to talk to her myself instead of waiting for someone else to do something?”
Another User Comments:
“Her home life sounds sad, it sounds to me like she wants a family but YWNBTJ for speaking to her. In the end, your family obviously feels uncomfortable, doesn’t know what to do, and needs some help. I worry about your brother since she’s obviously decided they’re joined at the hip now and he doesn’t do things he likes anymore, he could lose.
his friends or more importantly himself. I suspect the relationship will eventually fizzle out in some way.” SandwitchCoveness
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ, you don’t even live there anymore. You can and maybe should talk to your parents, but if you’re the only one bothered, that’s just something you have to cope with.
Your brother is having his first big lovey-dovey relationship. That’s a special time in our lives and almost everyone is a bit annoying and stupid while they’re in it. LOL. He’s gonna learn a lot and maybe you can bring this issue up to him and he’ll be understanding, but he might not see it while he’s in the middle of it.” Kubuubud
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ
Someone has to say something eventually. Might as well be you. Her behavior demonstrates a severely unhealthy idea of what she thinks a relationship should look like. Either that or she is just a straight-up freeloader. Either way, trust your judgment.
It seems your brother is also understanding that this is a problem. Try to talk to him as well as the older sister, just so he can fully understand that what he’s involved in isn’t a healthy picture of what romance should look like.
Also, she’s 18?
He’s 17? And she’s staying there multiple nights? Where are her parents?!” AMR_Setsunai
Another User Comments:
“You are right, this isn’t your relationship, and all this is happening in a household that isn’t yours.
If the cost of special food is too great for your parents, they should do something about it.
If your little brother feels smothered and or isolated from his friends, he should do something about it.
If you want to visit the family home and prance around without clothes, (as one apparently does), then you should do that. If she is uncomfortable, well, then she is a guest in the household that has that culture.
But this girl and her relationship with your family are not your problems. It’s not like she is abusive or doing illegal things. She is ‘clingy’ and throws away leftovers. YWBTJ” YouthNAsia63
2. AITJ For Thinking My Mom Is Being Unreasonable For Complaining About My Partner?
“I (22f) have lived with my roommate (24f) for about two years. My partner (28m) and I have been together since before my roommate and I moved in together. Currently, he lives an hour away from me, a couple of towns over.
About a month and a half ago, he was able to purchase a house in my town and has been renovating it. As is, it is unlivable. There are no floors in the entire house, so staying there is not an option. It also doesn’t make sense for him to drive the hour back home when I live two minutes from the new house.
Today, my roommate texted me and said she wants to have a conversation about how often he’s been staying over. Over the past month and a half, he has stayed over about two nights a week on average. Sometimes three nights, sometimes one. It is almost always during the weekend.
He is repairing the house during the day, and we will go out at night or sometimes chill at my place after. Maybe 3-4 times TOTAL during this entire month and a half, he has worked from my apartment (he works from home) on a weekday (it’s usually a Friday) but he always works in my room so as to not take up our shared space, such as the kitchen table.
I am also always home when he is there. I have my own room and bathroom, so he isn’t taking any of her personal space whatsoever. I will also mention that our utility bills have NOT increased whatsoever during this time – I checked. Who is the jerk here?
Am I wrong to think she’s unreasonable? This hasn’t ever been a problem during the last two summers for example, where he stayed most weekends after going to the beach and hanging with friends. I don’t see why it’s suddenly an issue now.
Side note: I go to see him at his place all the time (usually at least once a week) and have complained to my roommate on many occasions that I wish he’d come to me one or two nights a week so I don’t have to drive as much, so I’ve been extremely happy that the new house means he comes to me more.
She has always agreed that he should come to me more so I don’t have to drive constantly, and now that he’s doing just that, it’s an issue?!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You have the right to let him sleep there à couple of nights a week, I’d say that’s normal, and if you’re not impacting her in money, space, or comfort in her own home it’s fair.
If it is literally that he’s just sleeping there I don’t see a problem.
I would ask her why it is a problem. Is it that she hears you being intimate or he snores and it impacts her sleep or makes her feel uncomfortable? Or is it that you two would usually spend time together at the weekend and that she feels she’s losing you as a friend?
If it is this kind of problem then there could be other solutions, as flatmates you do have to reach a compromise and it isn’t fair to make someone feel uncomfortable in their own home.” DeepCherry20
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – here’s the thing – being a third wheel in your own house sucks.
She’s allowed not to like it, she’s allowed to ask for a decrease. She moved in with one woman, not a romantic couple. She got the option to choose you, her flatmate – but only you got to choose who you date. See what I’m saying?
It doesn’t matter why – if it’s too much for her – you need to come to a reasonable compromise.
Also having lived with couples before, the utilities are not the main thing, even when splitting costs comes up. Think about it this way. If it was me and a flatmate staying in on a Friday night, I can pull up a seat at the dinner table / plonk myself on the sofa, and relax.
If I’m living with a couple, and they stay in on a Friday night, their ‘night in’ is couple time, it’s date night. The chance of me going to my room is high, and the chance of me chilling in the kitchen or living room which I pay 50% for is slimmer.
Is that fair?
Ask yourself – does she appear in the communal spaces less when your partner is around? Or does she get the house to herself in the way she would have naturally if you were working your usual schedule and your partner wasn’t in town?
These things matter more than utilities.” LeslieKnope6254
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When you have a roommate you accept that you are not only living with another person but also that your home is theirs. Everyone deserves a space where they can enjoy the company of friends and loved ones.
It doesn’t sound like he’s doing anything unreasonable like keeping her up at night, using resources she pays for, crowding shared spaces, or interrupting things like work with noise or presence. She doesn’t even have to see him at night.
It sounds like you already spoke with her about having him over more and now she doesn’t like the arrangement after agreeing it was okay?
That’s annoying behavior at best, and jerk behavior at worst.
Ask her specifically what about it that he’s doing bothers her. From my perspective, this is really normal roommate behavior to have a social life beyond your roommate.” space_rated
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for being upset that your roommate wants to talk to you about this situation. Plus you say that he’s only there one or two nights but then he also works from there during the week some days. That sounds like he’s staying there more than you think he is regardless of whether or not the bills increase.
You also have to think about this from your roommate’s perspective. If she knows that he is currently renovating an unlivable home 2 mins from your apartment his increase in staying over and starting to work there might seem like you two are trying to subtly move him in so he doesn’t have to drive an hour back to his old place.
While that may not be your intention, if you haven’t had a conversation with her I don’t blame her for wanting to have one.” pandragon11
1. AITJ For Not Getting Gifts For Both Kids?
“I (30F) have a niece, Dawn (6), and nephew, Jesse (4).
I’ve noticed at the past few family birthday parties, she’s struggled with other kids getting gifts, having attention to them, etc. I do blame this on the 2020 shutdown, more or less. She was at the age where kids begin learning about this sort of stuff.
I don’t blame her for it at all, and I thought my sister ‘Carol’ (32F) was working on it.
Then I got the invitation for Jesse’s birthday. I RSVP’d. Carol did the whole ‘your presence is present enough but if you bring a gift for Jesse, please bring one for Dawn’.
I said, ‘But it’s not Dawn’s birthday’. Carol told me that she didn’t want Dawn to feel left out and have a tantrum, ruining Jesse’s party. I suggested maybe Jesse didn’t open gifts at the party. That was brushed off.
The reason I know why Carol is okay with this? She was the exact same way as a kid and our parents went along with her. She always got gifts on my birthday. I would on hers too, but I just found the whole thing obnoxious.
Why not just teach her that not everything is about her?
I had already bought Jesse’s gift and decided not to get one for Dawn. The party was as fun as a kid’s party can be, haha. Then presents came. Dawn and Jesse sat side by side.
Carol handed out each gift. One other person had the same idea as me and only got Jesse a gift. You could tell that upset Dawn.
Then they got to mine. Jesse was thrilled to open his gift. Dawn teared up and stomped off, refusing to come back outside or open more gifts.
My sister called me a jerk. I said it was a harsh lesson but she needs to see that today isn’t about her, but Jesse.
Our family is divided. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Parents who allow their children to persist in this behavior are setting themselves up for some very resentful (and some very spoiled) children.
The sooner your niece realizes that everything is not about her, the less likely she is to win Bridezilla of the Decade when she gets married. Not to mention the problems Dawn is going to have when she starts working and doesn’t get all the same promotions her fellow employees get.
Just because your parents allowed your sister to get away with this behavior does not make it right.” IntroductionPast3342
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I agree with your reasoning but she’s 6 years old and you made her feel unloved.
This is something you should have agreed with your sister in advance so she could have managed her young daughter’s expectations better.
You also need to make it clear now that Jesse won’t be getting a present on Dawn’s birthday for the same reason so your sister is prepared, especially as this is how you were both brought up so she clearly sees this as normal.” WhiskeyRocksNeat
Another User Comments:
“Yes, I’m afraid YTJ in this situation. It’s understandable that you want to teach your niece about sharing and not always getting what she wants, but the way you went about it was not appropriate. Your sister clearly expressed her concerns about Dawn’s behavior at parties and how she didn’t want her to ruin Jesse’s party.
You could have respected her wishes and bought a small, inexpensive gift for Dawn to show that you care about her too. Instead, you deliberately chose not to get her anything, which only made her feel left out and upset.
Furthermore, it’s not your place to teach your niece a ‘harsh lesson’ at someone else’s party.
That’s not fair to Jesse, who deserves to have a fun and happy birthday celebration without any drama or hurt feelings. Your actions have caused unnecessary tension and division within your family, and I would suggest apologizing to your sister and niece for your behavior.” User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You knew the rules of the party (as stupid as they were) and chose to disregard them. I can understand wanting to address this with your sister, but the party wasn’t the place to do it.
Your sister (way more than you) for her parenting regarding this issue.
She needs to talk with the children and help them understand. She can find ways for your niece to feel special without gifts.
When I my brother and I were kids (very little), we didn’t really understand why only one person got gifts. What my mom did is give the non-birthday child one very small gift, so they didn’t feel left out, but everything else was about the birthday child.
It actually became a quirky thing we continued to do as we got older. I’m turning 50 this year, and my brother is in his early 50s, and we still do it. It’s become a fun family tradition. I’ll send him a really nice gift for his birthday, and something small and cheesy, like a funko pop, on my birthday.
He does the same.” Kuchi_Kopi_49
He's disrespectful, controlling, manipulative and dishonest. He lied to you about agreeing with the conditions for this trip, then tried his best to guilt you into breaking your word, IN FRONT OF YOUR FAMILY. He's a manipulative liar and a narcissist on a power trip. Good for you for standing firm. Lose him now, before things really get bad.