People Are Eager To Figure Out What Our Judgment Is On Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
22. AITJ For Refusing To Apologize To My Mother-In-Law For Leaving?
“So my (33F) MIL (F70) is staying with us from Europe. We live on the West Coast USA where we have to drive up to get anywhere. She doesn’t drive here so she’s dependent on us. I try to accommodate her and ask her to go with me 90% of the places.
We take her out and even asked her if she wanted us to drop her off somewhere and pick her up later (which she took as we are trying to tell her to leave the house for a few hours).
I really try to be nice. But she’s staying for a month and a half and I am not perfect.
So today: I have a brother who lives nearby and my sister was passing by. We went out to breakfast and I took my son with me.
My husband was taking a nap since our son (1 year old) is having sleeping issues and we are exhausted, to say the least. Also, I got my period this morning and I have bad PMS. I work, take care of my son, breastfeed, and try to have some fun.
Life is hard.
When I came home my husband told me my MIL is triggered that I left with my son without telling her exactly where I was going and when I was coming back… she claims that since she doesn’t have a car it’s not good to just leave.
Also, she wasn’t sure if I was going to make lunch. I tried to explain to her that I’ll be out for a few hours at my brother’s, but we don’t speak the same language but I try to learn and do speak a bit.
My husband is just napping upstairs and will be awake less than an hour after I leave.
Then she said she is triggered by my entire character. That I get mad at my parents (none of her business, I have a very turbulent relationship and it’s something I am struggling with and I don’t need judgment).
Also, I got mad at my husband a few times (how dare I get angry at her son right?). I have mood swings. I think she is not happy that I’m not more submissive, which I’m really not. I’ll also add that I’m of Middle Eastern origin and she’s very xenophobic from a small European village.
Frankly, I broke down when he told me that I don’t need another older woman who constantly judges my mothering, judge my personality.
I’m so tired and I am struggling as a new mother, with no support whatsoever and no money for child care.
My husband wants me to apologize to her for leaving with little explanation. I don’t want to. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Well if he wants you to explain things to her from now on he’s not allowed to nap… Because he needs to be ready and willing to translate for you anytime you need to go somewhere!
He’s being ridiculous! And so is she! You are NTJ! You have every right to go wherever you want whenever you want from your house and if the woman can’t make herself a sandwich then that is her problem, not yours!” Squirrel-mama
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So sorry you are stressed by your MIL staying for so long. With both language and cultural differences that can be hard. Her rant was exactly that a rant and totally uncalled for. You do not need to tell her everything and I would suggest going out every couple of days for an hour or so without her.
Wake hubby up to translate that each time. Remind him it is your home too and your life is not controlled by his mother ever.” Delicious_Wish8712
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You tried telling her the best you could but you also don’t owe her any explanation or detail as to where you’re going.
She wasn’t home alone and her son could have woken up from his nap. She’s also a grown adult who could get up and make her own lunch or her son could have made her some. Your husband needs to do better and take up for you.
If it’s going to continue to be an issue have the visit cut short and send her on back to her home.” MCWake4
21. AITJ For Wanting To Share A Room With My Wife?
“We went over to my (36F) wife’s (33F) side of the family for Christmas this year. Our family includes us and our two kids (4-Male and 6-Female).
Usually, we spend the holidays either at home or we travel. Mostly because my in-laws don’t really like me.
Everything was kind of okay during the day and over dinner. There were some snarky comments and bitter words but nothing out of proportion to what I expected from them.
Late at night when we wanted to go to sleep, my MIL told me she had made the same arrangement as when I visited them before for Christmas. That was over 8 years ago and I was my wife’s partner back then.
I said I imagined the accommodation would change to us both staying the night in the same room. My BIL and SIL share a room with their spouse. MIL said she thought it would be more appropriate this way.
I told my wife and she said it was outrageous.
Especially because we were going to be there for one night only and we would leave in the morning. I said it was too disrespectful on my In-Laws’ behalf and that I wasn’t going to stay there. My wife agreed. I arranged for us to stay in a hotel room for the night and we left, despite MIL’s protests.
In the morning, FIL called and told me I was being selfish and petty and preventing them from seeing their daughter and grandchildren. BIL texted something similar, accused me of not wanting to stay in their parents’ home because it wasn’t like the mansions we live in, and called me entitled for overreacting.
I’m wondering. Was I wrong to leave in the middle of the night?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Rules only work if they are enforced for everyone. If no couples were allowed to sleep together and it was clearly communicated ahead of time that is one thing.
Or even only married couples (weird but their house). But I’m pretty sure we all know they are just being homophobic jerks, especially considering you are married and they tried to pull a fast one by only disclosing sleeping arrangements that night.
I guarantee they knew it would be an issue. I’m sorry you had to go through that.” LadyAconite
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I understand (to a certain extent) that for cultural/religious/traditional reasons some people do not like it when unmarried couples share a room in their home.
But spouses who live together AND have kids? Come on give me a break. Then to top it all off, they have the audacity to send you those messages. You and your wife should both sit down with your in-laws and make it very clear that if they want to see any part of your family (including their daughter) ever again, they need a thorough attitude adjustment.” AffectionateHand2206
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Until the bit about the other in-laws getting to share rooms I would have said otherwise, as people can be old-fashioned about a couple sharing a room in their house, and to be fair it is their house, the host gets to set the rules generally speaking.
But the problem is not that a couple would share a room, but clearly that a gay couple would – that’s not old fashioned that’s just bigotry. Making you the odd ones out is outrageous and you were right not to accommodate their nonsense.” crisispointzer0
20. AITJ For Telling My Daughter To Refrain From Being Late?
“Me (36M) and my wife (35F) ‘Kate’ have 3 kids. Our oldest (13F) has a terrible habit of spending far too long getting ready and/or procrastinating simply starting to get ready, resulting in everyone else waiting for her. Sometimes it’s only a few mins, other times everyone else will be just sitting in the car or waiting by the door for a good 15 mins.
Sometimes she doesn’t even start getting ready until everyone else is ready to go.
What makes it worse is that she will get very mad at anyone who dares tell her to hurry up, or point out she is making everyone late.
She acts as if everyone else is out of line, she never apologizes nor acts remorseful at all. She simply gets very snarky and grumpy.
The wife and I do our best to deal with it. We shower her with praise when she is ready on time, we give her LOTS of notice when we are going somewhere, tell her what time we expect to leave and we don’t punish/get mad/lecture her about the issue while she is mad at everyone, we instead wait until she has calmed down before we speak to her about it.
She did it again just recently. She made 6 people wait well over 5 mins (standing out in the hot Aussie summer sun), so we figured she would give up 30 mins of her time. We let her choose either 30 mins less screen time or do 30 mins’ worth of chores.
While telling her of her punishment, I also told her that when she gets older and has adult friends she may find herself excluded from things if she is always causing people to be late, that it is disrespectful to waste people’s time, and that you don’t want to be known as the person who is always late to everything.
She seemed to get the message, but my wife Kate was very unhappy that I used that particular lesson to get the point across.
Kate said that telling her that makes her think that she must act a certain way and conform to the way people want her to be or else no one will like her and that we shouldn’t be trying to change who she is.
But I argued that isn’t that exactly what we are doing? By way of punishing her via taking away her free time because she didn’t do what we wanted, isn’t that telling her to conform to the way we want her to be or else suffer the consequences?
Kate disagreed and said it was different because ‘that’s how she sees it.’/’I just see it differently.
Kate thinks it’s wrong of me to try and teach our kids to behave in a way that other people will like, that we should just let them be themselves, and that their friends should like them regardless.
I pointed out that all of the times we have punished the kids over the years is because they have behaved in a way that WE don’t like, so what’s the difference?
We went around in circles for a while and didn’t resolve it.
Would love to know AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your wife saying that you shouldn’t teach your kids to act a certain way so people will like them is correct.
But that’s not what you’re doing in this instance.
You aren’t fundamentally changing who your d is, you’re pointing out that lateness, when boiled down, is really about not valuing the person you are meeting, and that friends will want to be valued and not made to seem like their time isn’t important.
You wouldn’t ask your d to change her clothes, hair, hobbies, or opinions to fit in – those are the things that make your d who she is. You’re just making her see that other people’s time is as important as hers.
Try explaining it that way to your wife.” Mentalcomposer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Being ‘late’ isn’t who she is. It’s a behavior, not an inborn trait and it is better she learns now rather than later.
Because people will be patient with her growing out of it at 13.
They will be a lot less patient at 18, 20, 25, and 35 and it will hurt so much when she loses very close friends that get tired of waiting for her. Friends she won’t want to lose, but will think they’ve tolerated it the last 100 times, why would this time be different?
But people get sick of it and stop inviting you.
And she wouldn’t appreciate the people that factor it in and are patient regardless. She isn’t owed endless patience and some people will still give it.” EnergyThat1518
Another User Comments:
“Constantly having to wait on someone who is chronically late is incredibly disrespectful and frankly, annoying. Why is your daughter’s time more important than others? It’s not.
Your daughter will lose friends/and experiences if she doesn’t work on it.
Once in a while, yes okay. But continually? No.
Tell your wife that this is not how things work in the real world. Her future boss, when she gets a job, will not tolerate her being late over and over, with no excuse.
Post-secondary education lectures do not let people in after class has started. She will not get a detention, but she also will fail the class… And enough of those will see her expelled.
It’s better to nip it in the bud now.
I do like the idea of leaving without her. If you’re taking your other kids somewhere fun, buy them a souvenir, but nothing for her. Tell her she would have gotten to go, got a gift or a treat if she had made the effort to be on time.
Give her 5 minutes, then leave.
And if she is late to school, then let her get detention for it. If she is late to leave a friend’s house, tell friend’s parents to firmly tell her it’s time to leave, hand her her stuff, and escort her to the door.
The embarrassment alone will end this problem.
NTJ” 101037633
So I don't know which way to go here.
19. AITJ For Not Inviting My In-Laws To Our Small Wedding Party?
“I (28F) lost my dad in May 2021, we were incredibly close and the grief is still unbearable to this day.
I was around four months pregnant when he passed unexpectedly.
My now husband (28M) and I had originally planned to have a small wedding party prior to my due date, but given my enormous loss, we decided to just get the legal stuff sorted instead.
I wasn’t in any sort of headspace to have a proper wedding without my dad being there but I did want to make things easier regarding the legal protection marriage provides, naming our baby, next of kin, etc.
Our two witnesses were supposed to be each of our brothers.
My mum wasn’t up to social events (she still isn’t really), and we simply didn’t invite my in-laws. We were to turn up at the registry office, sign the papers, then head home. We thought we’d have a proper party in a few years when I was more up to it.
Despite this, my in-laws ended up inviting themselves anyway so we were forced to make more of a day of it than I was comfortable with. My mum joined us as she felt obliged due to my in-laws’ decision. (In retrospect, I and my mum are actually glad this happened as ordinarily, she would never have wanted to miss any life event of mine).
I don’t like to make a fuss so we went out for food afterward.
I was recently talking to a colleague about this, and she directly told me I had made a jerk move not inviting my in-laws, and if she were them, she’d never have spoken to me afterward.
This threw me because I had considered her a friend, and assumed she was sensitive to my grief.
I felt justified previously but this conversation had thrown me, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your plan was to go to a courthouse/registry office and sign paperwork with a sibling each.
You two made the executive decision for yourselves not to invite parents (in part because you felt yours wouldn’t be up to come), and that’s a totally okay personal decision. They found out and forced your hand, and you accommodated them.
It’s frankly not your coworker’s business, but as told you didn’t exclude anybody (and your in-law’s got what they wanted, which is trouble for another day).” einsteinGO
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, I think. You were going through a difficult time so you wanted an unconventional wedding.
However, a child’s wedding is a huge deal and most parents wouldn’t miss it for the world. As you can see in retrospect, you’re glad your mom was there for a big event, and I bet your husband is too.
I don’t think you were a jerk for not inviting them because you were grieving, but it was definitely a trashy thing to do. People will probably say your wedding your rules, but in the real world being together with family for big events is important, and I think everyone will be glad a boundary born of grief was crossed so they don’t regret it forever.
Emotions are complex and I don’t think it’s as simple as ‘I make a rule and it has to be obeyed’.” Hairy_Dirt3361
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ, you were fair and included your respective brothers only. You were grieving intensely and making a practical decision to benefit your baby.
Your partner supported your choice, so this wasn’t a forced decision.
While it sounds like your in-laws were pushy, it also sounds like they are not holding a grudge and neither are you. You’re rightfully a little salty looking back and telling the story but you seem at peace now.
You’ve even pulled the positive from something frustrating which is charitable to your in-laws despite them being overbearing.
And say a little prayer for this woman’s future in-laws. Not every disagreement has to become a Cold War. Sometimes you can all shrug and move on.
There will always be other hills to die on.” daisukidesu1981
18. AITJ For Not Wanting My Mom To Babysit Ever Again?
“My husband and I haven’t been baby-free in months. My husband is a stay-at-home dad and I work a few hours a week but am mostly at home as well. Financially we are stable enough but not where we could afford daycare or a babysitter.
As every parent knows, a break from the baby is much needed every once in a while. He’s had a cold so extra cranky on top of entering typical toddler phases. Between bleeding ears and being touched out, our nerves are shot, to say the least. I asked my mom at 11a if could she please babysit for 4 hours so we could have a break.
She said yes.
My mom is our only family capable of babysitting within a 2-hour radius. She lives 15 mins from us. However, despite her constant assurances, she is rarely available. She never says no directly but will beat around until I say never mind.
Yesterday I was desperate. Had a migraine, needed to clean, and just needed quiet for a bit. She insisted he has a nap 1st. Logical, agreed. He slept an hour so I let her know I was coming. She said ok, then called back and said she had to step out and she’d be back in a bit but I can bring him over because I had a key.
I said I’d wait til she got back. That was at 12p.
I called at 1 to ask if she was home. She said no, getting food. I said ok, I’d go in another hour. She said ok. At 2, I let her know I was heading her way.
We actually get there at 3 (giving her leeway since she hadn’t responded), but she’s still not home. I video chat her, she was at someone’s house. I told her if she didn’t actually want to babysit, she really could’ve said that.
She says ‘No, I do I just hadn’t seen (her friend) all year so I stopped by to say hi and got caught up talking. I’m coming!’ So we waited.
She shows up at 4:30. I’m upset, migraine on 100, baby extra cranky, nothing accomplished. I politely let her know the time frame to do what we needed had passed because dinner and bedtime were coming and I still needed to get groceries so there was no point in her keeping him.
I gathered his stuff to leave while she was sarcastically apologizing for taking too long, she’d already told her husband my son was coming and he wanted to see him when he got off work, just making it seem like wasn’t a big deal.
I turned and told her this was a complete waste of the day, I should’ve never asked her because she’s unreliable, even in emergencies (which has happened twice where she’s agreed to babysit then call within the hour for me to get him), and I won’t ever ask her to babysit again because it’s obvious she has no interest in doing so but would rather lead me on about it than outright say no. She gets offended and starts a tirade but I’m over it so I leave.
Later she and her husband message me saying I was being harsh and she wants to be part of her grandson’s life. I wasn’t being fair. I’m wondering if I was being a jerk because I was upset at that moment… so am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!
Your mom is deluded. She thinks that a babysitting request is for her benefit, not yours or the child’s. Unbelievably childish on her part.
Not only are you right to never ask her again and to tell her that like you did, but you would also be right to reduce contact with her to almost nothing because it seems she’d be more of a burden than a help in other ways too.” Jordan-Peterson_Fan
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Some people’s grandparents never loved them and their extended family couldn’t stand their wretched parents and it shows.
As much as your mum isn’t free childcare on tap, you were at breaking point.
Not sure what people on this sub want you to do at the moment but thinking that your own mother, who’s offered to help previously, would be able to help you out for four hours and not jerk you around for hours is reasonable.
You’re entitled to feel disappointed. I would too.” jenna_grows
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your mom said no and you were demanding I’d feel different. But your mom has said she wants to babysit. You ask and she says yes.
But then basically ghosts you so that it’s no longer practical for her to babysit. She’s saying no without saying it so she’s not the bad guy. I think you need to acknowledge that. Save money for a reliable sitter.
Maybe ask other parents you know for a recommendation (if you have parent friends). Or if you have a trusted friend with a kid you could swap babysitting with them. It may be stressful to find a sitter but once you do, it will be worth it.” angel2hi
17. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be Addressed By My Last Name?
“A family friend is raising their kids to refer to adults as Mr. or Mrs. Lastname as a sign of respect.
I fully support this. However, after being called Mrs. Lastname, I told them to ‘Please call me Firstname.’ I have been told by the parents their children won’t be doing that as they want their children to be respectful.
I feel like it’s not respectful to call me something I don’t like. I’m not a super formal person so it makes me feel uncomfortable to be addressed like this by someone I know so well. The parents are upset that I am not respecting their wishes.
I’m upset because I feel like their wishes don’t actually take respecting me into account. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to raise respectful kids, just like there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to be addressed formally.
I think there’s a happy medium between what you want and what your friends want, such as being referred to as ‘Miss Solid-Question-3952’ or even just ‘ma’am.’ It still gives the respect that your friends want while loosening the formality a bit.” Glitter_Voldemort
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but please don’t push this. You will make those two kids supremely uncomfortable if you make them choose between addressing you as ‘Joan’ and getting in trouble with their authoritarian parents and addressing you as Mrs. Smith and annoying you.
Some of my parents’ friends would insist on this and my authoritarian parent would shout at me even if I used their first name immediately after they asked me to do so. It made me feel terrible because I didn’t want to get yelled at and I knew it was rude to call someone Mrs. Smith if they had asked me not to.
Please, for their sake, let it go, or address it with their parents only. The kids have no power in this situation.” AJFurnival
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You must be respected how YOU want to be respected.
If they are going as far as to disrespect you, ignore them entirely.
If they want to be rude to you, they can do that to somebody who doesn’t find it rude.
The kids aren’t to blame at all, their parents make it seem like the parents’ rules must be followed because ‘It’s kind’ although you said that you find it rude.” Catify1
Telling their kids to call someone something they've been asked not to, is disrespectful.
16. AITJ For Not Giving Up My Special Interest?
“I have autism and ADHD which causes me to hyper-fixate on things I enjoy. These hyper-fixations can last anywhere from a couple of weeks to years. Toward the beginning of last year, I became absolutely obsessed with two musicals, Phantom of The Opera and Evita.
While I still love Evita my music taste has been taken over by Phantom.
Now onto the story. For the past year, I’ve been listening to Phantom a lot. From the original soundtrack to the 25th anniversary, I’ve watched and listened more times than I can count.
I got myself a copy of the original LeRoux novel and the Susan Kay adaptation. While my sisters and grandparents have been more than supportive of my interests since it has kept me happy but my mother and stepfather on the other hand have voiced how sick they are of it.
I’ve been respecting their distaste for musicals by listening to my music with headphones and not talking about books, movies, or musicals. Even when doing that doesn’t please them enough, I’ve been told to stop doing anything related to Phantom as a whole.
I’ve been yelled at for Phantom-related drawings and listened to it with my headphones.
This all leads up to the day after Christmas, I had gotten Phantom on vinyl from a family member and my mom and stepdad sat me down and explained that if I didn’t give up my special interest they’ll have to take all of my Phantom-related things away.
I was livid since I can’t control my special interests and my parents have gotten this way about past hyper-fixations. We got into an argument and it ended with me going to my grandparents for a bit to cool down.
I took all of my books, drawings, and vinyl so they wouldn’t be taken away when I got home.
Since then I’ve gotten calls and texts saying that I’m tearing my family apart with my fixation but I don’t want to give up something that makes me happy.
The only people on my side are my grandparents and I’m worried I might actually tear the family apart. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
There are far worse things that you could be fixated on. Unless there are details that you are leaving out, I don’t understand how this would tear the family apart.
You are being respectful by listening to music with your headphones on. So long as you are not forcing everyone else in the house to watch or listen to the musical, and you keep all the Phantom stuff in your room, I don’t understand why this would bother your family so much.
Phantom is a great musical.” Life_Is_Good199
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re allowed to have hobbies.
I’d maybe understand if you were still listening to it without headphones and talking about it all the time and all that, but even then I’d think taking away your things would be excessive.
But now, you’ve gone out of your way not to bother anyone else with it so… what’s the problem? It’s not hurting anyone in any way, that I can see.
There’s something very cool about being really into something, even if it’s a narrow focus.
Especially if it’s a narrow focus. That’s the kind of passion that makes someone interesting. Don’t let them take that away from you just because they don’t understand it.” Proud-Reading3316
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are doing what you can to minimize the impact of your fixations on the rest of the family.
They are out of line here.
It sounds like your parents don’t like the fact that your interests are so different from theirs and that’s probably what the issue is. You could (theoretically) drop the Phantom fixation and replace it with a Pirates of Penzance or Hamilton fixation and they would still not be happy.
Now if you were into sports, you could hyper-fixate on that as much as you like and they’d probably encourage it. See how you can’t win. Your parents should be encouraging you and your interests but it doesn’t suit them.
See what you can do about getting a job. Can you ride a bike to get somewhere? Are there any opportunities for any sort of employment at school or the nearest local shop? You may be able to do something online as well.” KitchenDismal9258
As a parent, we should be encouraging your interests regardless of whether or not they enjoy it. Your parents are being ridiculous.
15. AITJ For Not Wanting To Buy My Sister-In-Law Any Kind Of Gifts In The Future?
“I (f28) am married to my husband (m32) for 3 years and his family is very close.
They’re all lovely people and we go visit them over the holidays (Christmas/Easter etc) every year. His parents are relatively well off and will spend significant amounts on gifts for each of the children ($500+).
I know that may not be a large amount to some people here but I was always taught that it was the thought that matters. We’re also not in high-earning jobs so I thought that $500 was a little insane.
This year, I bought his sister a gift of around $80(it was a well-thought-out package with items from Sephora that I thought she might like), and for the parents, I choose to give a little more ($150 Ish each) as they’re always gifting me nice things.
A thing to note is that my SIL (F24) doesn’t have a job and is still studying so she never gets me anything, not even a small gesture.
Here’s where the drama occurred. After opening her gift, SIL just smiled and said thanks.
The next day after Christmas, I noticed the items I gave her lying in the common area on the dining room counter. I was a bit upset that she didn’t put them away – when we all went to bed after that night.
I casually asked if she forgot them on the counter and she replied flat, ‘Oh yeah maybe. I’ll put it away later’. She didn’t put it away and it’s still there after 3 days.
I feel like my gift wasn’t appreciated and I asked my husband if I was being unreasonable.
He said it was probably because I didn’t get the gift she wanted in the first place (it was something like $250) and that since I gave her the gift, she can do whatever she wants with it. I said I will just not get her anything in the future because I don’t feel like she deserves them if she can’t appreciate the small things.
He called me the jerk for reacting this way.”
Another User Comments:
“Honestly, everyone sucks here.
She is undoubtedly acting like a jerk for being ungrateful. I feel like that goes without saying.
But you can’t control how people react to your gifts.
Even if you had bought something worth $250, it could have been the wrong shade, or wrong brand, or whatever, and she might have still reacted in the same bratty way.
You throwing a tantrum and showing her up NEXT Christmas by not getting her a gift will not make the situation better.
It won’t ‘teach her a lesson’. If anything, it will make the happiest relationship you have with your hubby’s side of the family significantly worse. Who are they going to side with? You? Nope.
Pick a budget to suit you, stick to it, and don’t be ashamed of it.
From the time you are done wrapping the gift, wash your hands of it. If they like it, amazing! If they don’t, who cares. Don’t cause a family drama over one bratty reaction. Be the better person.” ButterMyParsnip
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your SIL wasn’t rude or disrespectful. She said thank you and accepted the gift. Leaving it out on the table for three days is not rude. What would be rude is finding the gift you gave her in the trash three days later.
You say you got her gifts from Sephora ‘she might like.’ So there’s is a chance the items she got are things she may not need, not her favorite brand, or can’t use (sensitive skin, allergies, can’t mix items) or simply she has her own products she is currently using and won’t use the stuff you gave her until they are finished.
Also, the thing about giving someone skincare items as a gift they do not have to use them right away. You seem to be the one creating an issue out of nothing.” Pineapple_Wagon
Another User Comments:
“I’m somewhat unsure how to judge this one.
Your SIL is being a bit of a jerk by so blatantly disregarding your gift for her, and your husband seems somewhat callous to your feelings in your talk with him, but going directly from feeling your gift was underappreciated to ‘I’m never going to get this person a gift ever again’ seems like a little much.
Leaning slightly towards ‘everyone sucks here’ because of these conflicting factors, but when told from your specific viewpoint, I can see why you’d be upset, and I can also see why you might expect your husband to be someone to vent to, but you’re venting to him about his family, and making some fairly final judgments over a single faux pas.
I feel like you’d be NTJ here if you hadn’t jumped straight to ‘since she doesn’t appreciate my gift I’ll never get her anything ever again’.” IAmMrSpoo
14. AITJ For Not Being Able To Afford To Buy My Sister Potstickers?
“My sister (F29) is going through a really rough spot. No job, small business not really blooming but she’s trying at it.
Fast forward to 3 nights ago, she was bringing me home from a doctor’s appointment about 45 mins away from home.
I had already told her upfront that I was broke, and I would have to wait (till the next day, Thursday) for my unemployment to process because I’m currently not working due to health issues. So this was known to her.
And never been an issue before because I’m good at my word.
We get to the checkout line, I have water, salad and cantaloupe, and a $2 kinder egg for my kiddo. She tries to ask me to get her these $8 potstickers for her dinner.
She had other things she was buying, but she shoved the most expensive thing off on me. Like always. And it’s just expected.
I told her I wasn’t able to get her those. Because I had less than $30 on Electronic Benefits Transfer (EBT) till the 4th.
I feed 4 people in my house and she knows this. So as soon as I tell her ‘No I can’t this time’ I’m all of a sudden a piece of work. I’m toxic and manipulative. You name it. She kept insisting that I had more than I did, and didn’t wanna help… even after I sent the receipt showing the beginning & ending balance.
That’s what got me. The entire month of December, I stayed multiple days & helped her with her Etsy ornaments. I painted, I taped, oh and wouldn’t you know it, bought her food for days while I was there too. She made thousands off those ornaments and all I was given was $40 for some plants.
The biggest kicker of all tho, is I just spent almost $1000 for new tires on her RaV. And now when I bring these things to her attention, I’m shoving things in her face & being toxic…
She’s had everything handed to her while I grew up in the system.
We grew up very differently. But I show my love through the time and small things I can. She’s materialistic, and even sent me a full-screen text tangent about how her best friend is better than me… after all that, I still sent her gas & paid the first payment on her tires.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are a giver, and she is a taker. You will need to stop doing these little nice things for her. It will only continue to get worse as time goes on because you’re setting expectations with your generosity.
Which, also, if you’re unemployed and on food stamps, why does she come to you for money? She can go get a job while her, probably doomed, Etsy shop isn’t covering her bills. Those are her choices and if people enable her to do whatever she wants, she will continue to do this and never learn the lesson of being financially independent.” Southern-Salary2573
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you’re not helping yourself or your sister by accepting her behavior and keep going back to bend over so she can kick you in your teeth again. She’s toxic and you need boundaries. She uses you, gets you to do her work, buy her food and tire you can’t afford, takes food out of your children’s mouth, lives in your purse, and has more than you but wants what little you have too.
Unless you use your backbone and stick up for yourself and start saying no in advance nothing will change. Your kids will learn from watching you both that this is how siblings act and how they should allow people to treat them because your mum allows Aunty to treat you that way.
Stop helping her because if she actually paid you she would report you for fraud. Stop buying her stuff on your debit card because that’s for your children. If you lose that help do you think your sister would help you to look after your children?
Do you think she would let your children hear she has to do everything and make them feel awful?
Stop jeopardizing your kid’s and your own well-being for a selfish entitled toxic sister that doesn’t care about you or your kids.
If you are already doing all her work on Etsy start your own without ever telling people you know instead of allowing her to use you and earn money off your work.
You may love her but she doesn’t love anyone but herself, pick yourself, and if you can’t pick you pick your children instead of your sister.
Since you are such a bad person and her best friend is better you should give yourself a time-out. Take a break from your sister, redirect her calls to voicemail, and ignore her text and emails. I guarantee you your life will be better.
I want to encourage you to go no contact so you and your children have a better life.
You seem so brainwashed your sister’s amazing and you’re lucky to be around her instead of knowing you’re an amazing person and your sister is lucky to have you helping and supporting her I’m scared you can only do low contact at most and will be hurt so badly in the future.
I hope you can take control, go no contact and have an amazing life with your children and build up your self-confidence and sense of worth. I assure you my friend that you are the prize in this relationship, not your sister.” A************1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Basically, she’s just taking out her frustrations on you but also it seems like this isn’t a one-time deal either. I think it’s time to stop enabling her or set very strict boundaries. If you enjoy helping her, then do it.
But when she gets uppity, throwing it back like you were doing a favor isn’t right either (not saying this is what’s happening but you get the idea).
I really hope you feel better though. Health issues are such a pain.” Cynnabelle
13. AITJ For Not Wanting To Invite Anyone For New Year?
“My partner and I have been together for years. We are older and had kids later, so we started a tradition 8 years ago of going to his off-grid camp for New Year’s Eve. At the time, all of our friends had young kids and no one would join us.
We got a dog, soon thereafter we had a kid and then another. No one ever came.
3 years ago we decided to put out an invitation to everyone: friends, family, everyone, and we had like a huge group of people celebrating with us and our young kids.
It was chaos. We were entertaining, and I didn’t get to enjoy New Year’s Eve. After everyone left, we both said ‘never again’ and decided to just keep to our little family.
Last year, one of his friends asked what we were doing and dropped by with his family.
I didn’t love it. I had to entertain myself while I would have rather just been with my family. Afterward, I am pretty sure I made it clear that I would have preferred no one comes, and I thought he was on the same page.
This year, a couple of his friends asked about our New Year’s plans and invited themselves to our camp. My partner explicitly says he did not invite them, but he did nothing to dissuade them from coming. And in fact, yesterday, he had this exchange with his friend:
Friend: Hey, are we still getting together at the camp?
Or, if not we can make other plans.
Partner: yeah we’re heading down here in an hour or so.
I say that is indirectly an invite. There were many things he could have said to dissuade them from coming, even at that point.
They showed up, and it was actually not a horrible time, they left at an appropriate time, no harm, no foul. I’m over it, but said ‘Next year, if you can’t tell them no, refer them to me. I will tell them no.’
Then, on the way home, my partner says that I owe him an apology for making a big deal about them coming. I said I don’t owe him an apology because I didn’t want them there in the first place.
And if anything, he owes me an apology because refused to tell his friend no.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It was an indirect invite.
What he should have said: ‘We’re celebrating New Year’s at our cabin as a family this year.
We hope you and yours have a nice celebration and will look forward to hearing about it after.’
It also sounds like you and your partner need to have an honest heart-to-heart about others at the camp. I think he may want friends there.” DarkAthena
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have made it clear that you do not want them there, so if he continues to invite them then make sure he understands you will not be entertaining them. You will not be buying groceries or drinks for them, doing any cooking or cleaning, or making up beds for them.
I have used this technique myself on my hubby, inviting his spiteful sister and antagonist BIL. When he is faced with buying them gifts, cooking, cleaning, making beds hosting, etc it is amazing how fast an invite to them goes out the window.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you’re right, your husband did indirectly invite them, and then when he could’ve told them to make other plans he didn’t. It’s most annoying when people invite themselves to things but what’s more annoying is when you and your husband previously agreed it was your family only in the future and he doesn’t stick to it.
All he had to say was the missus and I are doing our own thing this year or the wife and I go solo on New Year’s. He should be wanting to make you, himself, and your kids happy not everyone else.” A************1
12. AITJ For Standing Up Against My Aunt?
“So I (18M) came back home from college for the holidays. Yesterday, my parents hosted a family dinner with all my aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins.
So the issue started when dinner was served. I got my food and sat down at the table.
The way the tables were layer out was that there the table in the dining room was for the adults and the table in the kitchen was for the kids. I obviously sat at the adult table.
Then, one of my aunts came up behind me and barked ‘What do you think you’re doing?’ I responded confused with ‘eating my food?’ She then said ‘You’re not allowed to sit here.
Get to the kids’ table right now.’ I laughed at that and said ‘I have just as much right of being here as you do. You have no authority over me. Stop trying to start drama and just sit down and eat your food.’
She then burst into a rant and I just rolled my eyes and ignored her and continued eating my food while talking to my parents and other relatives.
After dinner, my parents asked me to apologize. Apparently, she filled the aunts’ group chat with passive-aggressive remarks about me as well as calling me disrespectful and claiming I grew up with no discipline.
I do not feel the need to apologize but I will if I’m the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“Your aunt is totally in the wrong for being that rude over you, and commanding you around when you’re already 18. Furthermore, she’s not in her home, she’s been invited to your parents’ house for dinner, in other words, a guest.
But the thing that makes her a HUGE jerk is the passive aggressiveness and the different negative remarks about you (being disrespectful and having no discipline, among other things). And apparently, behind your back.
To your aunt: Girl, how sitting at the adults’ table instead of the kids’ (which are in the single digit age, except for one at 10), and your nephew telling you rightfully that you have no authority in your siblings/step-siblings house, is a lack of discipline and being disrespectful?
The most discipline-lacking and disrespectful person here is you. You are creating a problem because an adult is sitting at the adults’ table.
NTJ.” LinkForce_1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I’m assuming she can count and should know that you made the cut for the first time this year.
I don’t know what her problem is. There’s something else going on. If there had been no room or you had been superseded by one of the slightly older relatives acquiring a SO, to put it bluntly, you may have had to wait for one of the members of the oldest generation to pass away, but that isn’t what’s happening.” Pale_Cranberry1502
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re a legal adult. Therefore an ‘adult’ at the ‘adult table,’ end of the story. At what point does she think you’re too old for the ‘kids’ table’… 30, 50, when she’s dead? LOL.
Your aunt was out of line for demanding you sit elsewhere, but she was totally and completely inappropriate to talk about it behind your back complaining in the group chat. She is the jerk here. For Pete’s sake, even your parents didn’t make you sit elsewhere during the meal. The only reason they expect it after dinner was that she wasn’t giving up her tantrum.
If your aunt doesn’t like it, she can host and place you wherever she wants you. Furthermore, if your family has a tradition to put the next generation together at the ‘kids’ table’ then it is eventually going to be a problem as the older ones outgrow children’s conversations.
You have every right to want to engage in more interesting conversations than those who may be far younger than you and do not share the same maturity level or interests.” Gorgeous-Angelface
11. AITJ For Not Sympathizing With My Brother And His Wife?
“My wife (f37) and I (m41) live in the suburbs of a major US city with our 3 children ages 6, 3, and 6 months.
I work full time and my wife works part-time. We could completely be sustained on my salary but my wife really enjoys what she does and wants more, she’s excellent at it. When she works we have a nanny come in to be with the 2 youngest children for a few hours (the eldest is in school).
We live an undeniably comfortable life. We decided to hire a housekeeper to clean the house once every 2 weeks as we were both. We do all our own cooking, laundry, yard work, house repairs, etc. We maybe go out to eat once every 2 weeks and will hire a babysitter when we do so.
My wife’s sister and BIL live about an hour away in the city. They have 2 boys, ages 3 and 1.5. They both work full-time. He is an equity partner at a large law firm. She works in the HR field and works from home 2 days a week.
they could subsist on his income several times over it like my wife, she chooses to work. The children are in daycare, all day, 5 days a week. They have a housekeeper who comes in 2 times per week to pick up, clean, and do their laundry.
They order food out several times a week.
Their children, while sweet, are spoiled and their eldest never gets told no. They have their eldest enrolled in several different programs outside of daycare including things like soccer, swimming, dance, etc for which they are running them all over the city for after-daycare.
We recently saw them and during a conversation, they were complaining about how tiring parenting is and how they don’t have any help, and how busy they are. They said how lucky we are to have access to a nanny and babysitter and that it’s impossible to get free time to themselves because they can’t find a sitter or a nanny in the city so they have got to go out for dinner.
They’ve indeed gone through a string of sitters and nannies for home care but never settled in one. They dropped hints about how it would be nice for the family to come in and watch their kids a few times a month so they could get some time to themselves.
I can’t help feeling that most of this is a bed of their own making. They are running themselves ragged and could take a few things off their plate to make it easier on themselves. They have chosen to live this way and burn the candle at both ends and I just don’t have sympathy for them.
Even when my SIL is working from home the kids are in daycare. I’m certainly not going to go be their babysitter when they are, as far as we can tell, simply far too picky, not to mention entitled.
We have chosen two different paths and I find minimal sympathy for them.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There is a good chance that they aren’t actually being picky about nannies, but that they can’t get any of them to stay because their children haven’t been told ‘no’ and so are horrible to deal with.
And possibly they breathe the Nannies for telling the ‘poor darling’ no, and nobody qualified will put up with that when there are always people needing their children cared for so plenty of other-better jobs out there.” nejnoneinniet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Wait, wait a minute. They live an hour away and are dropping hints for you as a family to come a few times a month to watch their kids, not once but a few times a month.
Yeah, big NO!
Just keep letting the hints zoom right over your head, fake sympathy, and pretend you are clueless about the hints. Eventually, they might just straight up ask you, that is when you shut that crap down hard if they do.” User
10. AITJ For Telling My Mother-In-Law That She's The Failure?
“This woman (50s F) is not technically my MIL as my partner (27M, John) and I (24F) are not married but have been together for four years.
Anyways, both he and his sister moved from the US to escape from his mother and now he is in low contact with her, and that’s only so that he can see his dad.
I genuinely don’t know how a man as sweet and caring as John could be related to an absolute harpy like his mother or what his father sees in her. From the moment I met her, she has hated me and made sure I knew that she hates me, between snide remarks and picking apart my appearance I have tried to bear with it for John’s sake.
He’s told me multiple times that I don’t need to interact with her and that he understands if I’m not up to his monthly Zoom calls with his parents.
This year we spent Christmas in the US with his family.
John told me that while he wouldn’t force me to go, he really wanted me there for emotional support since this would be his first Christmas with her in 7 years. His family also wanted to finally meet me in person and in the end, I agreed. On Christmas Eve we went to his uncle’s house and had a lovely time since his mom was on her best behavior and kept her general unpleasantness to a minimum.
Then came Christmas day and after dinner, we had some drinks. It did not take long for his mother to get both wasted and verbally belligerent. In her tirade, she mainly focused on me, how I’m a flirt who shouldn’t be anywhere near her son, but towards the end, she stopped for a second, stared at John, and then said that he was a disappointment, a failure and some other choice words I’d rather not repeat.
At that point, he just got up and left the room. Before I went to check on him I snapped at her and told her that she’s the failure, all of her kids moved across an ocean to get away from her, and the only reason that we’re even here is that he loves his father more than he hates her.
I didn’t stay there to see her reaction but after calming John down we heard his mother screaming and crying downstairs. After jumping out the window we got a hotel and stayed there until our flight back home.
Now his entire family is sending us angry messages since his mom has been a wreck after.
John backs me completely and says all I did was tell her the truth, and while he’s upset that this has caused a big chaos with his family, he isn’t upset with me and knows that it sucked having to deal with her.
But when I asked a few friends they said I shouldn’t have been so harsh since I knew she would retaliate.”
Another User Comments:
“Whilst there will no doubt be some people who think you should have risen above it, I’m not one of them.
Firstly, she was absolutely vile to you. You held your head high and let it roll over you. Then, she made a grown man, the love of your life, cry.
Personally, I think you did very well indeed. You had to quite literally jump out of a window to escape.
This MIL messed around and found out.
NTJ” TrayMc666
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did her just right. She started it and you finished it. His mother is an awful waste of skin & you defended your partner when she tore him down.
He has endured this awful treatment his whole life and they are complicit in their silence. May I suggest next time send his dad a ticket to come to visit you guys wherever you live.” EconomyProof9537
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, people that can’t handle hearing the truth should stop being trashy to other people.
Maybe she should focus on being a better person instead of hating people. The fact you both had to jump out a window to get away to a hotel until your flight makes me think you should go no contact.
If he wants to talk to his dad he should be upfront and honest and tell his dad he only wants to talk to him by himself.
When parents are like this you’ll find the nice one is not without fault or innocent because they enable the bad parents’ behavior and stops everyone from holding bad parent accountable for their own words and actions.
The good parent keeps the kids and others coming back for more awful treatment because they never want to rock the boat. Bad parent knows kids come back for good parent and they can continue to mistreat them because the kids etc love good parent even though bad parent will not stand up for their kids.
If Dad will not see or speak to son without your partner then knowingly dad made his choice to continue to enable Mum and don’t feel guilty going low or having no contact with Dad either. You and your partner deserve to choose to have a happy, healthy life without that abuse and misery.
You should feel so proud sticking up for yourself and your partner, the fact you only said something when she decided to break your partner’s heart with her cruel words is to be commended. That woman got what she deserves.
You rock!” A************1
9. AITJ For Walking Out When I Was Told To Pay For Everyone's Food?
“I (f32) recently inherited a good amount of money from my mom. I keep the money in a separate account as I still haven’t decided what to do with it and I didn’t want it to go to waste.
I noticed my husband constantly bringing up the inheritance money and making countless suggestions as to how I should spend it. Another thing is that he expects me to pay for nearly everything in the past couple of weeks.
For NYE, My husband and I met up with his family at a restaurant to celebrate.
It was going fine until I found out that I was expected to pay for everyone at the table. My husband’s mom joked about paying for dinner out of my ‘inheritance pocket’ which made me livid but I showed no reaction.
Just silently paid for my own food/drinks. Then got up and made my way out of the restaurant. They were shouting after me like a crowd and my husband tried to get me to come back but I drove home.
He got back at 3 a.m. yelling at me saying I was pathetic to get up and walk out on him and his family after they relied on me to pay for their food and though I was gracious enough to do it BUT they were wrong.
He said I humiliated him and his family and that what I did was an attempt to get back at them for not being able to help Mom when she was sick. Not true is all I’m gonna say.
He is mad and is saying that I caused a huge rift between his family and me when it wouldn’t have hurt me to pay for the celebratory dinner.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It is time to speak to a good lawyer and get that money into some type of trust that he cannot touch in the event of divorce. Simply having it in a separate bank account is not sufficient to protect it in a divorce settlement.
His behavior is not healthy or supportive and it seems like he and his family seem entitled to your inheritance. This is not a good situation. I hope you can work through this but still protect your money just in case.” Life_Is_Good199
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Their expectations are what caused the problem. For some reason, they’re somehow feeling entitled to YOUR inheritance. That is weird unless you have discussed it with either hubby or in-laws, which it doesn’t sound like you did.
The family was wrong to place blame on anyone other than the people who felt entitled to your inheritance. Maybe take a little bit of your money and spend a weekend alone in a nice hotel near the beach, lake, mountains, or wherever you feel comfortable, and do some soul searching.
I personally would not want to continue associating with people who feel entitled and then blame you for their own erroneous expectations. But, that is just me.” SageGreen98
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Unless you’re invited to a dinner where the host has specifically made it clear that they are paying, a good rule is if you can’t afford it, don’t go.
Nobody worth having in your life will judge you, and if it’s a small group you’ll probably end up going somewhere that’s in everyone’s comfort zone.
It’s not like you’re picking restaurants that you know your husband’s family can’t afford.
Your husband and his family all sound like gold diggers. Please don’t waste your time feeling remotely bad about this, and honestly, I would seek legal advice as I guarantee your husband will find a way to come after your cash.” Reasonable-Pen-88
8. AITJ For Trying To Move Out?
“I recently just got an apartment with my friend and her partner. It’s not very big, but I love it anyway. We haven’t even fully moved in yet, waiting for some things to be fixed, and she’s already started acting like a dictator.
We each get our own room and have the living space and kitchen to share, except the living space has already been taken up by 2 of her pets (caged animals) and her partner’s gaming set up outside of the tv and couch.
There is no more space for anything I want, I was hoping to also share the area that has already been designated for the guy (bedrooms are on the smaller side) with a small desk to do some work.
Both of them still have the mindset of just the two of them living together, I had brought this up to her before in regards to asking her did she consider the extra space needed now that the 3 will be living together.
She said she didn’t consider it, and we have already signed our lease. I’ve tried to buy some items for the apartment, a bookshelf for all of the books all of us have (we all love to read) but I was shot down on it because it would take up space in the living area that one of her other pets needs, and some other smaller items that are no big deal.
I love her to death, I do, but I’m just worried they have me only there to make rent cheaper while they enjoy a whole apartment while I’m confined to just my room. The last time they had a 3rd roommate things did not go well.
My parents have said I can come back home anytime, but after 3 failed attempts at moving out I don’t want to do that.
AITJ or has anyone had a roommate like this and can give some advice?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Since it’s a 70/30 split on the rent and all three of you are on the lease, it would be best to sit down and actually talk to them about having 1/3 of the common area space. If they aren’t willing to budge on this, you can try to renegotiate the portion of the rent that you pay down to 1/4 instead since you don’t have fair equal use to that area.
The best thing to do in the future is to talk about all of this before you sign a lease with someone. Too late for that now, but chalk it up to a learning experience.
At worst, if it were me, I’d tough it out either way for the year and try to save up for a spot of my own or with one other roommate.
But if you’d rather leave, you’re going to have to sit down and discuss that with them as well.” Elegant-Pressure-290
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. When you move into an established home, you don’t get to put furniture in the living room.
You just get your room and use the kitchen and living area.
Your expectations are way off.
There were 4 of us sharing one apartment and all 4 of us didn’t get to put desks in the living room. That’s nuts.
A shared living room is not a good study space.
You just want to be in a power struggle.” FrauAmarylis
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you cannot get out of the lease then have them give you a ‘buyout’ in a manner of speaking. They compensate you a certain amount and you bite the bullet for any remaining rent.
Chances are they’ll be on the hook for your share of the rent since there are two of them. You could probably also try to sublet to another person, but then it would be up to you how much you educate them on your 2 horrible roommates.” ontario_sidehustle23
7. AITJ For Not Wanting My Mom To Take Care Of My Infant Daughter?
“So my (23m) partner (22f) recently gave birth to our daughter 6 weeks ago and everything has been going smoothly so far.
My mum and my partner’s mom do not get along and while it’s annoying, it’s out of our control so we just let it be.
We regularly visit (maybe once or twice a week) her mom who lives about 20 mins from our house when we need help or just a break so we can have a nap or a rest as we’re still adjusting to life with a newborn.
She is very good with her as she has had 4 kids of her own and has 6 siblings who she helped raised a few when she was younger so she has lots of experience and we feel completely comfortable with her looking after our daughter.
My mom has expressed to me recently that she wants to feel more like a grandparent and not just a visitor. She comes over to our house once a week roughly to visit and spend time with us and her granddaughter.
But when she visits and holds her, if our daughter starts fussing or crying she hands her back over straight to us and doesn’t seem very confident, and she fed her once (bottle fed) and she didn’t really seem like she knew what she was doing (I know this sounds harsh but it’s just how both my partner and I perceived it) like when she needed to burp she was too scared to pat her back and worried about the baby spitting up on her.
My partner’s mom on the other hand is great with feeding her, even better than us sometimes.
My mom recently spoke to me privately and said she wants to be more involved and she offered to look after her if we ever need help as she’s only a 5-minute drive from our house.
The problem here is that she has a 10-week-old puppy and her house is always a mess and cluttered and she works from home. She is constantly almost tripping and falling over because of her dog and I just keep picturing her walking around holding our daughter and her dog tripping her.
I told her that while we are extremely grateful for the gesture and the help, we just don’t feel comfortable with her looking after her at the moment. I said when she’s a bit older then sure, we’ll talk about it then.
I explained to her my concerns about the dog etc and she got upset and asked why my partner’s mum gets to look after her a lot more than she does, and I said that she’s simply just better with her than you and I don’t mean that in a rude way but it’s the truth
Since then I’ve been feeling awful and while my partner supports me, my partner’s mom said that we should just be a bit more lenient and let her be more involved.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, as the parents you get to decide who looks after your daughter and the circumstances.
Here’s the thing, your mum isn’t going to improve with your daughter without experiencing it, you have valid concerns about her house, would it be possible to maybe go to your partner’s house and leave your mum at your place with the baby for an hour?
She’s only 20 minutes away so you’re close enough that you could come back if needed and it might help your mum connect with the baby and feel more involved.
It would be up to you and your partner when and how this happened though.” Solaris_0706
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This isn’t about your mom, it’s about what’s best for the baby. You’ve seen a few clues that make you uncomfortable leaving them alone so far, so the only responsible thing for you to do is listen to those instincts.
She may improve with more experience, but that involvement can absolutely happen with you there. Everybody wins.
It sounds like she’s comparing herself to your partner’s mom and making it a competition of sorts. That’s a bad reason to take an infant.
The only way you’d be partly a jerk here is if you’re rude about it when you say no, but it sounds like you tried to be tactful.” QueenPetrichordelia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s good to set boundaries you feel comfortable with.
Perhaps a less hurtful way than MIL is better at is maybe saying ‘MiL has had 4 kids and seems more relaxed with baby; you seem anxious and unfortunately babies can pick up on that. If you’d like to spend more time with baby in our home with us to help so that you become more comfortable and confident with her we’d love you to spend time with us’.
(when convenient for the new parents of course). If she takes you up on it great; if not you tried.” Buttons2317
6. AITJ For Not Wanting My Father To Give A Speech At My Wedding?
“So I and my partner will be getting married in the middle of next year and we’ve sorted out a lot of things already, but one thing I’ve been really anxious and uncomfortable about is the traditional father of the bride role that my dad is supposed to fulfill.
For one, the whole ‘giving away’ idea seems kinda dated and I don’t really like the idea of me being his property or this whole ‘take her away from me’ thing. These are things my dad has joked about, especially the latter.
He’s also made many lewd jokes about my wedding night and me being a ‘typical woman only needing one thing’.
The walking down the aisle I can get past, it’s just one moment and kinda sweet, but I am a little scared of him making suggestive faces at my guests or at any point patting me on the butt (which he’s done a lot).
Speeches… I’m very worried about what this man who’s made many suggestive comments towards me, been consistently emotionally abusive, and a major gaslighter is going to say about me and my wedding. He’s promised me he won’t get wasted but that’s a promise he’s never kept before.
Whenever I tell him anything about my life he uses it as an excuse to tell me something better he’s done or to belittle it completely, and whenever I’m ill he considers it an inconvenience.
I once had a massive migraine in a museum and got to listen to him screaming at my mum cause he wanted to stay and it was ‘not fair’ that I wanted to leave.
Basically, I’m not convinced this man knows anything about me other than I’m a woman and I play instruments sometimes. I told my mum that I was worried and she got very upset with me even though she admitted I was right, she said it was unfair of me to take this opportunity away from him and to assume he was going to say something bad.
She promised to oversee his speech but she’s already agreed to help my older brother write the Man of Honor speech and I don’t want her to stretch too far; also my dad isn’t the kind of person to stick to the script.
Nothing’s set in stone yet but I’d much rather my mum who’s my absolute hero, been here for me all these years and twice the parent my dad has been, to make that speech… I don’t want to upset anyone though and this choice might cause drama with my dad’s family.
I don’t want to assume the worst of him, I don’t want to be in this situation but I am genuinely worried that he’s going to cause another one of these scenes, and on a day where I’ll already be anxious that’s the last thing I want… Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s your wedding. Do what you and your partner want to do with it.
Past behaviors are good predictors of future behaviors. Words and promises aren’t good predictors at all.
The ONLY person responsible for your father’s feelings and behaviors is your father.
You’re not obligated to do anything to make him feel ‘good’. Your only obligation here is to decide what you want and then set your boundary. And when you do so, mean what you say, say what you mean, and don’t be mean when you say it.
Choices have prices. You can choose to let him give a speech and pay the price of your guests thinking he’s cray cray when he goes off script. Or you can choose to not invite him and find out what that price is.
Or you can invite him, let him walk you down the aisle, and tell him that you’re not going to have a father-of-the-bride speech.
I will add that no matter what your father might say about you, his saying it doesn’t make it true.” Weaselthorpe_House
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You don’t suspect this would go badly, you know this would go badly.
You’re starting a new phase of your life… this is a great moment to start updating your personal boundaries. He had his chance to improve this relationship every single day up to today.
I’m glad you and your mom have a great relationship, but if she really does acknowledge that you’re right about the risk, she needs to understand that you don’t want to mitigate the risk as much as eliminate it.” Antique_futurist
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is your wedding. You decide what happens and who fills what role. I would just do away with speeches entirely—unless you and your spouse want to say a few words. It sounds like you don’t entirely trust your brother, either.
If it were my wedding, I wouldn’t invite him. There are plenty of reasons why.” AreJayG
5. AITJ For Posting On Instagram Before Calling Our Parents?
“I (34F) and my husband (36M) are attending doctors.
We work in the same hospital with our friends from medical school K (35M) and L (36M) who are also married to each other and we are best friends. K and I were in the same term, and L and husband graduated a term ahead of us.
They are our best friends and if we aren’t spending time with our families, we are together most of the time.
We had our baby a month ago and it was a total surprise for us that I managed to end this pregnancy with a healthy birth because I had 4 miscarriages.
In this process, our parents were nothing but a pain in the butt. Our moms always tried to give unsolicited old-dated pregnancy-related advice (and my husband is an OB-GYN), they wanted to be present with me in the room while I was giving birth (God no) and our dads tried to buy stuff and said ‘He is gonna be a killer’ (nope).
Our siblings also made backhanded comments because we are the only ones who are having a baby 30+ (my youngest SIL had his baby when she was 20 and she is 23 right now) so ‘finally you managed.’ is something that I heard most. Luckily we live a clear 3 hour away from them so they don’t come to us very often and we can limit our contact by that.
On the other hand, K and L have been and still are the most supportive figures. They covered for us, they ran out at night for my cravings when my husband was doing a night shift or a 24-hour. They looked after me when my husband couldn’t (I had a case of hyperemesis gravidarum, you vomit and you want to die and sometimes, it doesn’t stop, for me luckily it was treatment responsive most of the time) and to be fair, they are more like siblings to us than our bio-ones.
When I gave birth on the 28th of November surprisingly (my water came at the 38th week) which ended my husband also being a part of my emergency C-section team (long story, small hospital but when you are a patient as a doctor, everything will probably go wrong) and we had our baby boy in our hands.
I was discharged the day after and K and L were our first visitors as a result. We shared our IGs and a selfie with them to inform everyone we were OK. Due to all chaos, we couldn’t call anyone and to be fair, we didn’t think of calling anyone until we got home and when we got home, we didn’t have the energy, It was a 72-hour madness.
Well, all of our families learned the birth by this post and they are all mad. They all think we did this to deliberately excuse them and we left them purposefully in the dark, they were so worried about us and they said they wouldn’t see our baby and us until we give them a proper apology.
I don’t think we should apologize for anything but K and L said we might have been insensitive by posting that pic before calling them and my husband wants to apologize just to meddle the things between us and them.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here (except K & L who sound awesome) – your family sounds exhausting, if you had time to do an Instagram post, you had time to text the family if they mattered to you.
Weaponizing seeing the baby really sucks.
You were in the hospital for ~24 hours after the birth. Are you telling me that Dad didn’t have any time to send a few texts and make a few calls? Cause I know I did when my kids were born.
It included not only key family members but my wife’s best friends, and a cousin I knew would spread the word through the rest of my extended family. All this was planned beforehand so I had the numbers ready to go to let the people that mattered to us know.
It’s up to you, what type of relationship do you want to have with them? You made a deliberate decision to not let your family know or didn’t care enough to notify them. That’s fair, sounds like they suck and you’ve definitely told them where they are on your priority list. They just found out where they rank and they are hurt.
If you’re not interested in building a better relationship, thank them for offering to go no contact. If you want to build a better relationship, apologize and tell them exactly how you feel about their behavior in a calm, nonjudgemental manner at a time everyone is prepared to talk.” jsmith7450
Another User Comments:
“Regarding the birth announcement on IG and the parental response to it – everyone sucks here. I can fully understand why calling slipped your mind. You had been through a whole heck of a lot in the last few days.
You, or your husband, should have made the call though. I can also understand why your parents are hurt. If this had been the birth of one of my grandbabies I would have been hurt also.
However, I would like to believe I would not react in the same fashion.
It is one thing to feel hurt and angry, it is quite another to say and do things to hurt the people who made you feel that way. Please, take a deep breath. Something glorious has just happened! Everyone is emotional, excited, and relieved that all is well.
I am sure there was a great deal of anxiety for everyone with all that you have been through. That is probably contributing to the reactions all around.
Now is the time to breathe deep, pause, and apologize for your being overwhelmed with the early arrival of this incredible new life.
Enjoy your little one. Send them pictures. Don’t hold a grudge. Life is far too short and time passes far too quickly. I hope your parents come around.” Odd-Comfort-1478
Another User Comments:
“Congrats on the baby! Your families sound exhausting.
If you were trying to make a point by not telling them first, it’s understandable. If that wasn’t the goal, then I think posting on IG before you tell anyone in the family is a bit weird.
It takes a second to text one person in the family to tell them the baby is here and healthy and ask them to tell the rest of the family so you don’t have to call people one by one until later.
Regardless, expecting you to apologize and refusing to see the baby is toxic behavior. Tell them to do whatever they like and leave it. I wouldn’t personally apologize. In this particular instance – everyone sucks here.” moonangeles
So what? If they're as sucky as you say, so what? What do you care? And if they won't see you or the baby until you apologize, good! Do you really want them around?
4. AITJ For Storming Out When We Missed New Year's Eve?
“I (20s) was with my dad, mom (50s), and sister (20s) on New Year’s Eve.
As she usually does, my mom brought snacks for us to eat while we watched the countdown to midnight on television.
When he saw the snacks, my dad said that he was planning on watching the Peach Bowl, an American football game happening that night. My mom asked if the game would go until midnight, and my dad said he hoped not, but that he’d want to watch the game.
As it turned out, the game did go long. My mom, sister, and I eventually made our way to the television starting around an hour before midnight, but none of us cared about the game that was on. We were all on our phones and eating snacks while we waited. As midnight approached, so did the final moments of the extremely close game.
All of us asked my dad to change the channel briefly so we could watch the countdown, but he refused, saying he wanted to watch the end of the game (he had the remote). We missed it.
I was mad because the only reason I had come at all was to celebrate the start of 2023 at midnight with my family, but I’d missed it.
So I said ‘Happy new year’ nonchalantly and left. My mom and sister were mad too and left him there with the mess of snacks. My dad thinks we all were super rude and insensitive since he had said in advance that he wanted to watch the game, and we knew how important it was to him.
AITJ for storming out when he refused to change the channel?”
Another User Comments:
“It sounds like you were on your dad a bit despite knowing in advance he was heavily invested and seeing it was a very close game.
Instead of trying to be excited and ring in the new year with him, you asked him to forfeit what he had been focusing on all night for a brief countdown. It sounds to me like you all need better communication skills.
You didn’t need a TV, you could have had any clock to countdown with together in the room with him but he couldn’t have had any game. It sounds like YTJ.” ProfaneTank
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
The countdown happens every year, just as New Year’s Eve happens every year and it still happened whether you watched numbers on a screen or not.
That game only happens once. Can’t believe I’m defending football honestly.
If Dad didn’t agree to the arrangement then I’d say he can watch what he wants in his home.” RelativeExistence
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s the college football playoff.
It went to the final play of the game in what is immediately being called one of the best games of all time. You knew ahead of time the game would be on and there was a chance it would run late.
You could have easily set up a computer or your phone or another TV to watch the ball drop. Nobody is going to shut off the game just to miss the final play.” Imawildedible
Another User Comments:
“Meh. I mean… I’m going to say everyone sucks here but honestly, I’m more leaning towards you being the jerk than your dad.
Traditions like this, they’re nice, but the real center of that tradition is meant to be gathering with your loved ones. Imagine if you’d all watched the game and celebrated or screamed in frustration with him. You’d have the story of that one unbelievable NYE game that meant your midnight wasn’t like any of the others in the tradition.
Instead, you lost your rag over missing literal seconds of the TV after the rest of you all sat around for hours doing nothing but waiting for those seconds, by the sound of it, when you could have just been having fun together.” Cha_r_ley
3. AITJ For Telling My Son He's Lucky I Have Rich Parents?
“My wife and I kinda had somewhat unusual lives. We started going out when we were 14, and she got pregnant when we were 17. She didn’t want to go through with it at first but after discussing it with both of our parents we decided to go through and raise the baby.
The truth is, my parents are pretty well off, and I had a career set up from them the day I graduated (which I’m still at today).
We’re 33 now and have been married for 11 years. We aren’t nearly as wealthy as my parents, we’re very middle class, but our children know the extent of how our oldest (who’s 16) came about.
So today we were playing mileage together in 2k. We were playing in the 2000s and he outsmarted me- I’ll explain. I had a horrible season in 2002 and He traded me Micheal Jordan and Rip Hamilton for my 2003 pick, I thought ‘Haha jokes on him, now my team will be good and my draft stock will rise’.
It didn’t, he outsmarted me, Micheal Jordan was old and retired the next year and my team stayed bad so he used my pick to draft LeBron James.
The only hole in his plan was rip Hamilton was really underpaid, and he was happy with my team.
So I extended his contract and I told my son about how I’m a master of finances.
He jokingly said ‘I don’t know if you’re a master of finances, I think grandma and poppa are’.
I said, ‘Yeah having rich parents is super cool.’
He said ‘What do you mean? You had rich parents and got whatever you wanted that’s not cool’.
I said ‘Well… if they didn’t have what they have, I wouldn’t have the job I had when you were born, and if I didn’t have that, your mother and I wouldn’t be able to bring a baby into the world.
So yes, they’re the reason you exist when you really think about it, so you better believe I think god every day I had rich parents because that gave me you’.
My son is really mad at me now and the wife is pretty upset too.
Idk if what I said was that bad I was trying to give him some perspective
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It doesn’t sound like you said this out of anger or as a gotcha for losing your game like some are saying, I don’t even know where y’all are getting that idea.
It just sounds like you were having a conversation about rich parents and you said you’re thankful for yours because it allowed you to keep him.
It’s possible he took it to mean you were saying he wasn’t wanted. I still don’t think you’re a jerk but perhaps you should talk with your son and apologize and clarify what you meant.
Let him know that he was always WANTED, your parents’ money was simply what made it possible for you and your wife to raise a child so young.” PyrrhicRose
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. In fact, A doesn’t begin to cover it.
You told your son that if he didn’t have rich grandparents, his mother would have aborted him. Of course, you would have been able to bring a baby into the world, but you would have chosen to get rid of him instead.
What kind of ‘perspective’ does that give him, exactly?
If I were your wife, I’d tell your kid that dad is lying, that maybe that’s what dad thought at the time because he was very young and a jerk, but she wanted him desperately.
Then I’d leave with the kid and not look back.
How could you hurt your son like that? Have you no shame?” Nester1953
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you could have said it better but your point still stands he’s here because your parents had the money and ability to support you.
I’d apologize to your son for wording it badly. Kinda sounds like your wife’s annoyed that you brought up something she didn’t want to be known or maybe has unresolved feelings about that time, other than a blanket apology can help you on that as I’m not neurotypical so I’d end up ignoring it as I wouldn’t notice her problem or when I cottoned on to her being upset just point blank asking what the heck her problem is.” far_wanderer1984
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
There are subjects that are fair game in friendly banter, and there are subjects that shouldn’t be touched with a ten-foot pole. This is a subject that he may or may not already be a little sensitive about.
I know children whose parents have weaponized the circumstances of their birth, and it’s greatly affected them. It’s something that should not be joked about or thrown about carelessly, regardless of intent.
Stuff like that stays with kids.
It doesn’t matter how you said it or what you meant.
If I were you, I wouldn’t try to explain myself. Don’t dig the hole deeper. Listen to how your wife and son are feeling and apologize to them.
Remind your son how precious he is to you, and go from there.” Ok-Baseball-1230
2. AITJ For Not Wanting To Make Any More Plans With My Family?
“I (f26) stay with my parents (m50 and f48) and a younger brother (21) while working from home (it is very common in our culture).
A few months ago it was my birthday and apparently, it was the same day as a cricket event (my dad’s a fan).
Since I’m not a big party girl and just have one friend (BFF – f26), so when my mother asked my plans for the day, I just said I will be going out with my BFF to a brunch kinda thing and coming back later in the evening when the family can go out for dinner.
My mother seemed to be on board with the plan but as soon as my dad heard about it, he immediately said no to the dinner and when I asked for the reason, he just said that he wants to watch the match and even if he goes out with me, he won’t be able to enjoy it, so I should just rather order something in for the family for dinner.
But I am free to enjoy myself with my friend for lunch.
This somehow didn’t sit right with me, but I also knew there was no point in arguing with him. So, I just went out with my BFF. Although when I came back home and talked about dinner plans, my dad said that they had a late lunch, hence don’t feel like eating anything big, I’m free to order anything I like.
This did make me upset, and I went into my room without saying anything to anyone. In the end, my brother did order a little something for everyone but it didn’t feel like a special birthday dinner, but rather just a casual in-home meal.
I haven’t said anything about it to my family, but it still makes me upset, whenever I think about it. Due to this I have stopped making any more plans with my family and become a, whatever happens, happens kinda person.
Recently, I shared this with my cousin (m23), who said that I am a jerk for still holding a grudge for something so trivial that happened months ago.
Therefore, I ask you – AITJ for not making plans with my family and still being upset over what happened on my birthday?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your feelings are valid. It sucks to feel others aren’t acknowledging your birthday and as you get older birthday celebrations can fade. They become something you have to make an effort to have if you want them.
Though you should communicate that to your family- that you still want your birthday celebrated with your family on the day. It is easy for others to miss how upset someone is and if they have noticed they may not know why until you tell them clearly what went wrong.” Santashark
Another User Comments:
“There are two perspectives here. What happened the day of your birthday vs holding on to the grudge for much time afterward? Getting upset with what happened on the days surrounding your birthday is reasonable. But you need to deal with it and move on.
Yes, you were wronged but some things don’t get immediately resolved. Grudges are consuming. It seems you’re stewing on the situation. Carrying it over for months is a problem with you, as it is an utter waste of your spirit, and will be an anchor to your own personal progress, and relationships with others.
How serious of an issue is it? Is it a ‘hill worth dying on?’ Your cousin leaves an impression that the situation is an annoyance but not worth carrying over for months. I would say NTJ if it happened days ago.
It’s actually months of passive anger doing no one any good. YTJ unfortunately.” Geezheeztall
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
At 26 years old, you shouldn’t be waiting around for others to plan your birthday party. You will just set yourself up to be disappointed.
Dad said he was busy. That’s weird & not kind. But so make a plan without him. Go celebrate however you want to. No one was stopping you. Your mom & brother could’ve gone to dinner with you.
Not making any future plans with your family is a very immature reaction. Not even sure they will notice or understand.” Alarming_Reply_6286
1. AITJ For Not Telling My Partner About My Traveling Expenses?
“So I (31M) live with my partner (27F).
I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is 9. I live about 80 miles from my daughter, I travel to see her as much as I can, being away from home for about 11-13 hours during my visit. Usually, I travel by bus to see her, which costs around £10.
However due to them canceling the last bus back, this time I decided to get the train as I got to spend more time with my daughter.
When I looked online it cost about £25 to book in advance, I assumed it would have been the same on the day, turns out it was £59.
I never told my partner since I didn’t think it mattered, but today it came up in a conversation with my mum. My partner was surprised at how much it cost, asking why I never told her. When my mum left and our baby was down for a nap, she lay into me saying I can’t just spend so much money without discussing it with her.
That the whole reason she’s becoming a stay-at-home mum is that we can’t afford the childcare. Yet when it comes to my older daughter I spend big amounts without talking with her.
So AITJ?
Before anyone asks why I didn’t book in advance – my ex has a habit to cancel last minute.”
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ for not being open with your live-in partner and mother of your infant about spending. She’s obviously concerned about managing your shared finances and expenses. She’s right that it is a problem if you’re spending big amounts on your older daughter without talking with her.
I also find it hard to believe you didn’t know it was cheaper to book a train ticket in advance, so at least you know that now.
But it must be really hard to plan these visits if your ex is flaky, so check all your options for traveling next time and see if you can get a refund or reschedule the train ticket if you need to.
Soft YTJ because it sounds like you are really trying your best and there are some things beyond your control.” User
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ for a one-time financial blunder on a visit to see your daughter.
You’re both jerks for £59 being an argument.
Even if childcare takes up your wife’s whole salary, it would be worth it in the long run. Not working provides ZERO possibility of a raise, ZERO opportunities to gain more experience, and ZERO opportunities to leverage that experience into a better position with higher pay.” ghostscroll
Another User Comments:
“If you are sharing finances then yes, YTJ. I would sit down with your partner and come up with a budget. I would also iron down an amount cap. Basically, a mutually agreed spin amount where anything over that would need to be agreed on by both of you.
Usually reserved for big purchases. I understand needing to see your daughter but you also need to be on the same page financially.” WeRNThisTogether
