People Encourage Us To Speak Up Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
17. AITJ For Making Tea Late At Night?
“I (21F) live with my flatmate (also 21F). We’re both university students so there’s often a lot of late nights studying.
My flatmate’s SO (22M), let’s call him Josh has keys to our place. I don’t particularly like him. He is messy and doesn’t clean up, often leaving it to my flatmate.
He also eats my food, probably thinking it’s my flatmate’s but that’s only happened a couple of times so I’ve just let it slide for now.
Currently, my flatmate is out of town however her SO does come into the flat randomly as he has a set of keys.
He’ll do this unannounced and it doesn’t bother me as he stays out of my way.
The current thing is, I have a lot of big deadlines coming up so I’ve been working overtime to get them done. As a result, I’ve been up until 4 in the morning some nights during which I’ll make cups of tea to go with my studies.
It keeps me awake and helps me focus.
Josh has raised this issue with my flatmate saying I’m too noisy. I’ve even moved the kettle into my room but he doesn’t think that’s acceptable and has asked her to ask me not to make cups of tea in the night when he’s trying to sleep.
I know I make them late but it’s maybe 3 at most after midnight and I also think he could just sleep in his own flat instead of trying to sleep here when his flatmate is out of the picture.
I will stop if I’m being unreasonable but given it’s my flat and he has his own he can sleep in but doesn’t, I think it’s fair that I can use the kitchen to make a few hot drinks, especially when I have a lot of university work to get through.
So AITJ? because Josh certainly thinks so.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell him that he doesn’t live there. He doesn’t pay rent and he can take himself home if he doesn’t like you doing things in your own apartment. You also need to have the landlord change the locks and make it clear to your roommate that you’re not good with her handing her SO the keys to the home you share.
He has no right to just walk into your home especially when she isn’t even there. I don’t think the landlord would be really happy with the fact that she’s handing out keys to a guy who doesn’t pay rent.” 80Katz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
But you are really not being wise in this situation. The guy is an unapproved tenant at best and an illegal sublet at worse. You could lose your flat over this or get sued. Time to be an adult and stand up for yourself. Tell your flatmate you agreed to live with HER, not her SO.
She never should have given the keys or let him sleep there when she wasn’t. He should not be there at all when she is not. He has clearly moved in if he sleeps there, even if he has another flat. Explain to her you no longer want him there at night unless she is present and he is following max nights per month a guest can stay and not be a tenant as stipulated in your lease or in local law.
Then tell her that she is full bore out of line to even try to make you follow his rules in your house. You will make tea whenever you please, and he won’t be bothered because he won’t be there.” TiredAndTiredOfIt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Tell your flatmate and John that this isn’t working out and that John needs to return the keys he has because you aren’t comfortable with him having them, and he can only be in the apartment when your flatmate is there.
You can make a cup of tea whenever you want, even if your flatmate doesn’t like it, so long as you are quiet (aka not slamming doors or letting it whistle).
People want absolute quiet all the time – even at night – need to live alone. When you live with someone, they exist even at night to use the restroom because they couldn’t sleep, came home late, etc., and you expect that type of noise.
Now, John doesn’t even live there, so he gets no say. Do not be a doormat. Tell your flatmate that John can no longer be there when she isn’t there, and you want the key back. Tell her that right now, be firm but polite.” mfruitfly
16. AITJ For Being "Ungrateful" About The Room I'm Getting?
“I (16F) am the youngest of 3 boys (17,18,19). We all recently moved to be closer to my older brother’s college. My dad said that it’s only a 4 bedroom so I would have to take the room in the basement. I was okay with that because it was still a room.
But when I got there I couldn’t even lift my arms all the way. The room was half of my arm’s length. The top of the ceiling had white wires hanging from it, dead buys are painted over, and it looks like a back alleyway.
I went to look at my brother’s room and they all have big rooms with a closef. I mentioned this to my dad and he told me I’m being ungrateful, and that I shouldn’t be mad just because of a room. I told him I can’t even fit my bed in there and he told me we can buy me an air mattress.
I told him that this is unfair and he laughed and told me to leave if I don’t like it, and that’s exactly what I did.
All of my brothers are now constantly calling me and telling me my father is ‘losing’ his mind. They want me to come home and apologize.
I told them no and that I’m fine where I am. They are posting on their socials how I’m such a bad sister and daughter for not only leaving them but also for leaving my father when he needed me most. With not only my brothers constantly texting me I also now have my family texting me about how I need to go home and******* up.
I’m currently staying with a friend. Both of her parents are okay with me staying, her dad and mom are currently helping me find a job and fixing up my car.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You were amendable to the basement room until you determined it was not really a bedroom but too small to even accommodate a bed. That is not appropriate housing – especially when there are other options in the house.
Depending on the laws in your country/state, you may be fine living with your friends but you may want to actually start the legal process to emancipate/live independently so you have funding to assist with rent for your friend’s parents and food, your father cannot force your return and he cannot pull a parent/guardian card if you have health or educational concerns.
Your father stated that you should be grateful for your room, that was absolutely ridiculous. You found a better situation yourself. As well, to return and apologize reiterates to your brothers and father that you are to be treated as less, receive less, and expect less.” Jaylloyd24
Another User Comments:
“Your father is not losing his mind (from what I’ve gathered here) you are his unpaid maid, and he is a worthless jerk of a parent.
Sorry to be blunt, but that’s clearly guilt-tripping at its finest which is not okay, and if you can stay away in any way, don’t come back.
Not sure if it would be a good idea, but if you feel like retaliating, you could always record the house, your brother’s rooms, and then your own and link it under their posts.
Many people would tell you to be the bigger person, so I’ll tell you that it’s okay to not always be the bigger person and take their crap ‘because family’.
This whole ‘we can buy an air mattress’ is completely ridiculous.
NTJ” Lotex_Style
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but please tell some type of authority! I don’t know where you live but your friend’s parents MAY be able to get in trouble for having a minor in their home while the parents are requesting you be returned to the family.
I also can’t imagine that room has any type of heating/cooling system and in the summer or winter, it’ll become unbearable. An ‘air mattress’ is not a viable option, especially with exposed wiring. Quite frankly, I’m sure that the basement can’t even be considered ‘finished’ because of it lacking the requirements to be considered finished. Tell your brothers that you’ll switch with them.
Then you’ll come back. or maybe the brothers share a room since they seem to have such a huge issue with what YOU did and not what your father is doing.” paragod_
15. AITJ For Being Controlling Toward My Partner's Fun While On Vacation?
“I (F25) really wanted to take a trip up north (USA) to be able to see the leaves changing and hike around. Not that we couldn’t see them here, but much better viewing areas more up north.
So I planned a trip and found a cottage area to rent. I figured it was my trip idea, so I would treat my partner (M26) this time.
Well, from the start, things weren’t great. As we get up there and check in the first thing he wants to do is go grab food and drinks.
So we go to the store, and he starts putting a case of beer into the cart. Now granted, we were just up here for a long weekend, so I don’t know why he would need 20+ beers for the weekend. I tried to say we could grab a 6-pack to start, but that got him upset saying I am limiting his vacation.
So I relented and picked them up.
So now we are back, and he is already cracking into the beer. We get packed up and head to the trail. Him bringing along a bag full of drinks. The other thing to really bother me was he seemed to be flirting each time we passed another woman hiking.
It never seemed to really upset anyone as far as I could tell, but it did me. Here we are on vacation and he is focusing on other people and being nice to them and just getting upset with me.
That night we end up cooking dinner on a portable grill, and it seemed fine, other than the drinking.
Until I went to bed. I get woken up by him being loud at 2 am and see he moved the grill up onto the wooden deck of the cabin. I rush out to see what is going on and he has consumed even more booze and is roasting marshmallows on the deck.
I get mad and worried saying how he could burn the cabin down and he tells me to go back to bed and to stop keeping tabs on him.
At this point I’m just so upset I give up and go back to bed. The next day played out fairly similarly and then on the drive home he was still wasted and asleep in the seat while I drove.
When we get home he says how it was a bad vacation because I didn’t let him have any fun and I was far too controlling.
Was I really the jerk and trying to control his fun on the trip? Even though I just wanted to hike and spend some time with him?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Yes, he’s an adult, and he’s allowed to put what he wants in his body. But when you go on a trip with your SO, you have to work together on making it a good time for both of you.
It sounds like he basically had a one-man drinking fest without regard to what you wanted to do.
And just in case you need to hear it—getting wasted to hike is not normal. Staying up alone drinking and then grilling marshmallows on a wooden deck is not normal. Reacting to a fire risk when you’re in a wood cabin is not ‘keeping tabs.’ Being wasted and passed out while your partner drives you hours home is not normal. And none of this is kind or caring toward you.
He may or may not have a drinking problem, but just know that whatever he says this is not totally appropriate middle-of-the-road behavior.
Take care, OP.” camellia_s
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Unless you’re leaving a whole bunch of information out like he’s a raging heavy drinker who lost his job, or he’s abusive to you when he’s drinking, or he lost his children because he’s a raging heavy drinker, what is your problem with him drinking?
If you have a problem with drinking, you should be with somebody who does not drink. Any type of past you have with drinking if this is how you act when somebody drinks you need to find somebody who does not drink.
It doesn’t sound like he did anything really wrong except maybe a little bit of disrespectful flirting but even then you’re not really getting into what it is he did wrong just because he wanted to drink beer.
A lot of people drink beer especially if you’re in Northern Wisconsin or Illinois or places like that Michigan where the leaves really change. I guess I just don’t understand what you think he did wrong and yes you did seem extremely controlling.” Aquarius052
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO NTJ.
So let me get this straight: this man spent this vacation that was supposed to be for you as a couple, that YOU paid for:
Flirting with other women. In front of you.
‘Just getting upset with’ you constantly over everything.
Nearly starts a fire by toasting marshmallows at 2 am, yells at you when you understandably freak out
After all, this, after you get home he does NOT apologize for any of this but instead blames you and says you’re ‘controlling’.
And he’s got you asking if YOU are the problem?
If a friend’s partner acted like this, would you blame the friend? Would you think this is a good relationship? Please consider that you deserve better, dear god. Someone who cares about you or your feelings at all would not act like this. Period.” BlueHawaii_Femme0130
14. AITJ For Not Helping My Sister Reconnect With Her Ex?
“I (32f) just wanted to say that I do love my sister ‘Tammy’ (36f) and I understand that no one is perfect and we all make mistakes, and I truly believe she is remorseful for her actions, but that doesn’t mean I want to do what she is asking me to do.
A year ago, Tammy met, dated, and got engaged to her ex ‘Logan’ (35m), during high school. Since they were just 18 at the time of the engagement, the plan was for them to wait until they graduated college to actually get married and that was more so for the benefit of our parents (mine and Logan’s) because they all felt that they were too young.
My mom especially thought that it would be better for Tammy and Logan to temporarily break up and use their 4-years in college to explore before getting back together and at first Tammy seemed to brush it off. However, I guess our mom’s words eventually got to Tammy because she ended up hooking with a few random guys while in college just to ‘get it out of her system’ and that Logan would always be her end goal for her.
Then she had a slip-up and got pregnant and because Tammy and Logan went to different schools there was no way the baby could his given the timing of conception. Tammy was terrified and confided in our mom who helped her figure out her options.
Unfortunately, one of the guys that Tammy hooked up with had a significant other who had recorded their encounter and managed to send it to most of Tammy’s friends and it got back to Logan.
He was furious and despite Tammy’s tears and begging he broke up with her and never spoke to Tammy again.
Tammy ended up having a nervous breakdown and had to drop out of school. She went to therapy and eventually was able to rebuild her life but I could tell she was still in love with Logan.
When I went to college and met and fell in love with Mark (37m).
Because Mark’s mom was adopted, he decided to do the 23&Me and I was shocked to find out that he matched with Logan as a half-brother. I hadn’t seen Logan in years and given the bad history I tried to keep my distance but Logan was actually quite friendly to me and told me that even if he was still angry at Tammy he’d never take it out on me.
I was relieved.
Mark proposed to me and after I said ‘Yes’ I knew there was no way I could hide speaking to Logan from Tammy anymore, so I sat her down and explained the whole thing. She wasn’t as upset as I thought she’d be and was delighted about everything because she thought I could help her get back into Logan’s life again.
I didn’t know what to say at that moment but the following day I sent a message explaining that while I would celebrate a reunion between her and Logan there was just no way I could be personally involved and wouldn’t play go-between for her.
Tammy and my mom are furious at me. Calling me a bad sister and that since I know how bad it was for Tammy that I need to help her. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – If Tammy wants to try and get back together with Logan, she can do it on her own merits, actions, and words.
You getting married to Logan’s half-brother is her window of opportunity. If she wants to screw it up by being mean to you, that tells me she has learned nothing and doesn’t deserve Logan.
Once again she is trying to do something the underhanded way, instead of the aboveboard way.
Meaning she should have broken up with Logan instead of lying to him. I’m sorry to hear she was the victim of revenge, but that doesn’t excuse her unfaithfulness to Logan with someone that was already in a relationship as well. Assuming she knew at the time, regardless if she knew she was in a committed relationship with Logan.” fleurdumal1111
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
As sad as it is, Tammy did something that ruined her relationship with Logan. She is dealing with the consequences of her actions.
It is not your place to try to facilitate a reunion between them. If she wants to attempt a reconciliation, then she needs to reach out to him herself, without you involved. Her and your Mom wanting and expecting you to help her ‘get him back’ is selfish and extremely ill-advised.
You spoke to Logan, he told you he’s still angry at your sister – this puts you in a horrible position with your fiancée as this is his half-brother that he just found out about. There is enough going on there without the added complication of Tammy wanting a ‘do over’.
It is incredibly selfish and rude of them (Mom & Sister) to think that you should work on getting Logan and Tammy back together.
You need to have a word with Logan and tell him the situation and what Tammy and mom want you to do.
Tell him that while you would certainly happy to have him back in the family if that were to happen, but you do not want to get involved in whatever Tammy wants you to do. You want your relationship with him to be based on the here and now with your fiancée and not about the past.
You also need to pull your Mom aside and tell her that Logan is still mad and hurt by Tammy’s actions and you don’t want to hurt Tammy by telling her what he said, so Mom better back off otherwise it may lead to Tammy having another breakdown.
Prepare for a fallout. If you continue to say No, your Mom & Sister will be angry with you – they will try to get your fiancée involved and ask him to talk to Logan. Talk to Mark & Logan and come up with a game plan on how you guys want to handle things now and in the future, because as Mark’s half-brother Logan will be included in events where Tammy will be on occasion.
Good luck!” 1moreKnife2theheart
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need to come up with a game plan for dealing with this between you, Mark, and Logan. Then you and Mark need to talk to your mom and sister together and establish some hard boundaries. Because Logan is his half-brother, Mark needs to be involved in this discussion.
There needs to be a willingness to cut your sister off if she pushes this. Your life is not a game, nor is it a chance for her to fix her mess. You don’t need to be any more involved than this. You would be a huge jerk if you don’t deal with this decisively and let your sister and mom mess up Logan and Mark’s budding relationship.” giantbrownguy
13. AITJ For Giving My Mom An Ultimatum?
“My fiancée and I (28f & 29m) recently moved in with my mom. My dad passed away around 6 months ago, and my mom has been having a really hard time so we moved in with her so she wouldn’t be alone.
She asked it as a favor and my fiancée and I accepted.
Co-living with my mom isn’t ideal at all because she’s overall a very controlling person but we mostly try to ignore her tantrums and keep the peace so she can overcome her grief in the easiest way possible.
My mom doesn’t pay anything from her own pocket since the day we moved in. Everything in the house is paid for by my fiancée and me. My mom has her retirement funds but doesn’t spend any of them. She constantly says she’s out of funds because she does the grocery shopping but it doesn’t add up because her retirement salary is around the same amount as my salary and my fiancée’s salary.
She ends up begging for more funds but whenever I don’t give to her she says I’m taking advantage of her and that I should be ashamed of not financially helping her more. When I and my fiancée actually finance everything in the house.
Fiancée and I also work remotely and from 9-5 we need quiet hours to work. At first, mom didn’t respect that but eventually, she adjusted.
Brother (who ill mention later) works but doesn’t like giving away his funds and contributing.
So my brother’s wife filed for divorce after several horrible encounters which I will not go into much detail about.
He and I don’t have the best relationship and my fiancée despises him.
When mom invited him to stay home from now on, I said there’s no way. He’s not gonna contribute anything financially, he’s gonna make my fiancée feel uncomfortable with the way he acts and talks, he doesn’t respect boundaries or quiet hours and makes much noise, even during our work hours, plus he’s a horrible person we don’t wish to have around.
My mom said she can’t turn her kid away and he’s my brother, I should be more compassionate and after all, it’s her house and she doesn’t need my permission.
I said fine, but it’s either us or him. And since she wants him, my fiancée and I will start preparing to move out.
My mom now believes we are horrible for turning our back on her and my brother and has shamed me to my entire family for not supporting her like I should. She disowned me and called me a disgrace of a son. My fiancée said we made the right choice but I’m scared if I messed up in any way and I’m the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Look her in the eye and repeat her words right back to her. You and your partner need to move out and never look back. You owe them nothing.
But why on earth were you paying for everything in the first place?
She’s a grown adult responsible for herself. It’s insane that you and your fiancé were paying for all of the bills when she literally has her own income.
Stop paying any bills. They are not your responsibility. Nothing will ever be good enough for her, look at how she’s treating you after everything you have already done.
Stop letting her manipulate you for more funds.” rainbow_mak3r
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s about time you guys moved out she’s literally taking advantage of you. You guys are better off living somewhere else even if she doesn’t allow your brother to stay. Don’t keep dealing with her she’s just gonna keep on mooching off you just like your brother, not wanting to spend their own money but wanting to spend yours.
and Don’t even give her a chance to guilt you into it because this was supposed to be temporary. Let her know that now.” Klumzy408
Another User Comments:
“Let her continue to shame you and simply speak the truth that you and your fiancée have been supporting the house and giving your mother money–she pays nothing out of her pocket even though she brings in double the amount of money.
Explain to the family that now she wants your brother to live in the house, and he won’t be paying anything either – and that would make four people that you and your fiancée are supporting. So if they want to talk bad about you, you’re giving them all the facts so they can be well informed of how utterly wrong they are.
Then limit your contact with your mother and start saving for your own home.
NTJ” Repulsive-Nerve5127
12. AITJ For Not Hosting My Partner's Friends?
“My partner and I have an arrangement that we’ve discussed and agreed upon.
If either of us has people over at our place, then whoever invited the guests is responsible for everything pertaining to hosting them. This includes things like cleaning the house and getting it presentable, organizing activities, getting food prepared, cleaning up afterward, etc.
My partner is always having people over, maybe 2-3 times a month. So he’s always cleaning up the house, paying for or making food, etc. As per our agreement, I don’t help. I do my own thing. The most I do is say a quick greeting and then I’m off.
Sometimes I won’t even be in the house since I’ve made plans with my own friends outside the house.
I don’t like hosting people, so I don’t invite people over. I invite my best friends over maybe a few times a year. I don’t bother cleaning up the house beforehand, because they don’t care and I don’t care.
I don’t prepare food. We usually order fast food or pizza, or we go out to eat. My partner doesn’t help, and I don’t mind because that’s what we’ve agreed upon.
My partner thinks it’s unfair. He thinks he’s doing the vast majority of the cleaning.
He thinks that I need to help him out or stick around and give him some ‘support’ instead of leaving all the time. He’s the one who feels the need to clean before he has people over, so he does the cleaning. It’s not like the house is filthy, and I’m not forcing him to clean at all.
Since his friends always leave a mess afterward, he cleans that up too since he’s the one who invited them over. I don’t ask him to clean up for my friends and I don’t ask him to clean up after messes my friends make, so to me, it’s completely fair.
Plus we pay someone to come in once a week to deep clean, so he’s not doing the main bulk of the cleaning. Just tidying up.
He’s trying to change our agreement so that I have to help him clean up more, or help him cook food, help him pay for food, or stay around and help him play host. In return, he says that he’ll do the same for me, but I almost never have people over, and he has people over all the time.
So I feel like the new arrangement is super one-sided. Am I the jerk for refusing to play host to his friends and sticking to the original agreement?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – The agreement you have currently is more than fair since you pay for the deep cleaning.
He wants to do less work but reap the same rewards by using you. He and his friends can always go somewhere else, golfing, parks, restaurants, or a different friend’s house. He chooses to play host. You didn’t choose to play maid and you don’t choose to play host that’s why don’t have messes like he does.
He can always schedule a maid service for later that night or the next morning. Not your problem.” pecileci
Another User Comments:
“So tell your partner that sure, you can change the agreement, and along with agreeing to help us, now you each have to agree to have people over in the first place.
Problem solved because then you can just keep declining when your partner wants to have people over.
NTJ at all. As long as you are keeping a fairly clean home, then you do not need to help your partner ‘prepare’ for his guests. Sure, if you leave a sink full of dishes or a pile of laundry on the couch, help put that away before either of you has company, as that is your mess.
But you don’t need to help do the extra stuff that comes with entertaining (vacuuming for example) for people you didn’t invite and aren’t even hanging out with. You certainly don’t need to help cook and clean for people you didn’t invite into your home.
You two should entertain together – and all that comes with it – when you ACTUALLY entertain together. If he has his friends over and you aren’t hanging out with them, besides a 5-minute chat, then they are his problem. It doesn’t even sound like what he wants is for you to hang out with his friends, he just wants to relieve himself of half of the burden of the work HE requires to hang out with his friends.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You had an agreement with your partner. You are sticking to it. He is the jerk for expecting you to do things he should be doing.
He is probably expecting more cleaning and cooking from you because you are a woman.
Thanks, patriarchy! If things were the other way around, he would probably refuse to entertain and cook for your friends.
He chooses to have friends over all the time, while you don’t. So it’s perfectly reasonable that he has to do some extra work to make that happen.
If he does not want to prepare and clean up so often, maybe he should go to one of his friends’ house. Or ask his friends to clean up after themselves before leaving.
You are not a maid. When nobody is coming over, divide chores 50/50.
When he has people over, he has to do it. That seems like the only possibility for a fair arrangement to me.” McMerseybird
11. AITJ For Being Mad At My Daughter For Throwing A Party?
“I (36f) have four kids. Nora (19f), Eli (16m), Nile (14m), Lana (12f). Friday night I had to leave suddenly to go bail my brother out of jail (which would take two days with all the driving), so I left my kids and my husband home alone for the weekend.
When I returned home, the house’s state alone told me that a party had been thrown. My husband and daughters weren’t home at the time so I questioned the boys. Nile spilled the beans and told me that it was Nora. I tried contacting all of them but none of them would answer so I ended up waiting up for them.
When they did return around midnight, it was only my daughters.
Nora knew that I knew she threw the party and immediately started yelling at the boys. That’s when I realized her breath stank of booze. I asked Lana if it was true and she said yes.
I was furious that she had 1) threw a party 2) drove while under the influence + with Lana in the car 3) and stayed out until almost midnight. I grounded her, took her phone and keys, and sent her to her room with a warning that I’d be back to talk later.
What makes me question my decision is when she started full-on sobbing and saying that she didn’t deserve this over and over. She also screamed at me that I was no better than her dad (which hurt & she never has said stuff like that to me before) to which Eli snapped back at her practically warning her not to try and even compare us.
there has been a lot of tension between us since that night.
So AITJ for punishing her so harshly? They’ve never pulled something off like this and I didn’t really know how to punish her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! DON’T YOU DARE BACK DOWN! To be honest she should be thanking her lucky stars that her punishment is so minor.
By saying she doesn’t ‘deserve this’, shows that she doesn’t realize what she has done wrong. She is lucky that you got to her before someone reported her to the cops, she would get a first-hand look at jail or prison. She could have hurt herself, your youngest daughter, and some innocent road user or pedestrians, or caused life-changing injuries to someone.
Your daughter really is the jerk here for drinking and driving alone. She should also be thanking her lucky stars you have dealt with the situation as you have.
If anything her punishment is very lean!” Working_Ostrich1780
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Driving while under the influence, with a child in the car, and being underage.
Even without the party, that’s three strikes right there.
You didn’t say if your husband is her dad, but what were his thoughts on it? Also, I would recommend having a calm conversation with her and asking, without any intonations of sarcasm or incredulity, why she thinks she ‘doesn’t deserve this.’ In my opinion, it sounds like her answer would be ‘everyone/all my friends do it (so) it’s not a big deal,’ to which I think you should ask if this is a belief she’s willing to stand up for.
As in, admit it to the cops, go to jail in protest, stand before parents/siblings of children killed by intoxicated drivers and explain why (had she hurt someone) she wouldn’t have deserved even a grounding of punishment, etc.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for punishing her for driving under the influence – throw the book at her on that one.
For throwing a party – have you told her that isn’t allowed? She is 19, which is legally an adult and older than you were when you had her. If the house was trashed, then sure, get angry about that, but the information given here doesn’t necessarily justify anger over a party where an adult (your husband) was presumably present and able to monitor things.
Speaking of which, if your husband (I assume not the kids’ father) was home, why didn’t he step in and stop it? And if he allowed it, then why is all your anger at your daughter?
Lastly, look at your final sentence: ‘They’ve never pulled something off like this, and I didn’t really know how to punish her.’ This implies multiple kids were involved in throwing the party yet you are only focused on your oldest daughter.
Nile through Nora under the bus, but (as a former teen and younger sib myself) it’s usually a joint effort.” Esmereldathebrave
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you have a husband problem. Yes, parents are allowed to decide when their kids can drink at home, but he was supposed to be taking care of the kids while you were gone.
Letting them a) have a party he knew you didn’t approve of, b) continue drinking into the next day, c) not clean up after the party, d) get behind the wheel of a car with another one of your children, e) not answer ANY of their phones, f) not come home till after midnight for your daughters, and at all, for your husband because he knew he was in the doghouse?
Oh, and g) depending on the ages of the people invited to said party, your daughter possibly bought/served booze to other underage minors – which is against the law and her father can not give his permission for, and can potentially get you and your daughter into legal trouble.
Was the booze already in the house, or did dad buy her some? Honestly, a, d, e, and g are ‘Husband, you’re sleeping at your parents’ for a while, and I’m seriously considering if I want to stay in this marriage right now’ worthy to me.
Are you sure they’ve never pulled something off like this? Because dad seems pretty blase about the whole thing.
Setting that whole headache aside for now, if your daughter was continuing her drinking binge the next day (and driving), she needs help. There was a story I read not too long ago where the OP had lost her mother, husband, daughter, and baby all in one go to an intoxicated driver.
I am so, so glad that didn’t happen to you.
Reward your son for telling the hard truth. Stick to the grounding, sounds like Nora needs to learn there are consequences for her actions. As for your husband… the things I want to say would likely get me banned, so I’ll just say, Good luck, OP.” RNGinx3
10. AITJ For Refusing To Move To Take Care Of My Friend?
“I (f19) have a best friend (f19) who I love like a sister. We are both in college and living together and finding the appropriate accommodations for her have been hard. I have moved 5 times in the last 12 months to try and help her find a living situation that will work out.
I thought the apartment we are in now was working great. She has her own bathroom that is ADA accessible and I do almost all the cooking and cleaning. I also buy groceries and random supplies we need around the house.
Last night she brought up that she has to drop out because college is taking too much of a toll on her health, which I completely understand.
If she drops out, she will be kicked out of the on-campus apartment we are currently in. She also said she wants me to use my college finical aid to help pay for an off-campus apartment with her. She says her parents will co-sign the lease and all of that.
The problem is, I really don’t want to move again, and if I shifted my aid off campus and had any financial issues at all, I wouldn’t have a place to go. I asked her if she was going to work to pay rent, but she said she could only work part-time because of all her doctor’s appointments.
I don’t think this is a super smart financial decision for me, as I do not make a ton of money. However, if I don’t move with her, she won’t have anyone to help her cook or clean and do various other things that I do for her.
I feel like a terrible friend, but I don’t think I could afford the move. I could take out loans, but that’s not a great option either. I have no idea what to do right now. AITJ?
Update: I have talked to my friend, and we’ll start looking for resources for her to be able to live by herself.
She was super understanding and apologized for asking about the financial aid. I’ll still go over and help every once and a while, but we did have a conversation about how I cannot manage 2 households. I’ve started setting up some boundaries and looking for different solutions, but I think we’re on the right track to getting our friendship back to a healthier place.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and for the love of God don’t take out loans for your friend. They will follow you for the next 20 years of your life. This is a prime example of the expression ‘don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone warm.’ Your friend is her parents’ responsibility, not yours.
It already sounds like you’re doing more for her than you should be. Your college years are supposed to be some of the best of your life. Go out there and live it.” randallbabbage
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’ve done your part as her roommate and best friend but that’s just as far as you can go.
You don’t have to go over the moon to accommodate her every need. It’s risky and you might end up even more financially constrained. You were kind enough to do the cooking and cleaning for her and now that she’s dropping out, it’s time for her parents to be responsible for their daughter because you are not her caregiver nor her guardian.
Please don’t make a bad decision just because you feel bad. She and her family have become too dependent on you, don’t you think? I’d be annoyed to think her parents are throwing the burden of taking care of her to you when she’s not even going to study anymore.” Satorvi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It isn’t your responsibility to cook, clean, run your friend’s errands, or pay any expenses for her. If you move with her, she will expect you to be her caregiver and financially support her. You can’t afford to do it financially or academically.
Tell your friend that you’re sorry things aren’t working out for them, but you aren’t going to be moving again. All of the moves are disruptive to your studies. And you can’t risk your finances by moving into a place where your financial situation would be less certain.
Also, stop covering the costs of your friend’s food and other expenses. They are responsible for their expenses.
And don’t let ‘helping your friend’ get in the way of your studies or social life. You need to put yourself first.
If your friend is unable to continue with school due to their health, you might gently recommend that they may be home where their parents can help care for them.” teresajs
I did read your update, and am happy that "friend" came to her senses. If she really has that much trouble coping, she needs to move back home and let her parents take care of her.
And despite the good news in your update, I still say she's no friend of yours. Leeches seldom have anything but a one way relationship with their host. Delighted that your leech has detached and will go her own way.
9. WIBTJ If I Send My Kid To Boot Camp For Being Out Of Control?
“My son was diagnosed with ADHD/ODD and will soon be evaluated by his school for autism.
He doesn’t do what he is told. He doesn’t like to be told no. He is manipulative and defiant.
We have had numerous issues with him since he was two and instead of getting better, he’s getting worse. He’s 8 years old and still throwing temper tantrums at Walmart because I told him we are not buying the toys he wanted, and this was after the behavior expectations I have set with him and my youngest who is 3 years old and actually better behaved. At one point he stole the same toy I said numerous times no, and another time, he opened the item knowing full well I would have to pay for it.
He is extremely calculated at getting what he wants.
At home, we had several complaints from the neighbors and the landlord that he was smacking cars to set off alarms. Climbing on car roofs and trying to jump from car to car. He knocked on doors and ran.
He has thrown rocks and dog poop (we don’t have a dog) over the fence into the freeway behind the apartment complex. We have blocked access to our 4th-floor balcony. He is extremely noisy in the apartment where he is causing noise complaints. Neighbors would hit on the ceiling when he was running around screaming in the apartment.
We cannot spend a week without the police at our door because of him. Landlord sent us a final warning.
He has misbehaved in school so much that he was suspended every 2 weeks and I get phone calls from the school almost every day. His teachers complained that he is disrupting the class, making inappropriate comments, and is defiant.
We have tried every parenting trick in the book. I watched Supernanny religiously and joined parenting groups. Every medication we have tried has not worked. His doctors, counselors, and therapists are telling me the same things I already know and tried. We have taken away video games and toys.
We gave time-outs. We have grounded him so much I can’t remember the last time he wasn’t grounded. His father is a marine and at one point suggest that we send him to boot camp because everything we have tried has not worked. He thinks that his behavior is nothing to do with his condition and he’s just a little brat that needs to be set straight before he becomes an adult and gets into even bigger trouble and that military school will teach him.
I told him we need to see what other options we can try and we should wait for his autism diagnosis. He said that we have tried everything and I’m being too soft on him and I’m the reason he’s acting like this.
I honestly can’t tell if it’s his ADHD, or if he really is being a brat. His behavior seems way too calculated.
My son overheard our conversation and was in his room crying. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t want to send him away but if he continues what he’s doing, he leaves us with no choice.
I know the idea of sending him away is scary for him & I want this option to be a last resort.
WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There is a lot going on here. First, wait for the autism results, then make a plan, not before.
The ADD/ADHD is obviously an issue, but it does not give your kid a license to be a jerk. The behavior you’ve described sounds very calculated, but at this age, they really don’t understand the full ramifications of their actions. Not that opening a toy to make you buy it is bad, but they don’t understand that being deliberately destructive and making someone else responsible is not the person you want to be.
I don’t know what your various therapists have told you to try and how good of a job you’ve done implementing it. Because a LOT of parents have an issue following through. It’s hard having to fight your kid every minute of every day for years – I know, am fighting now.
And I empathize with your frustration with therapists. We live in a rural area and there are simply no resources for mental health for adults, much less for kids. There is some basic stuff at the school, and sure there are therapists around, but they’ve been unhelpful and are all 1+ drive.
It’s been up to us and it’s been awful.
People who say ‘special schools, and government resources, and a TEAM of therapists’ don’t realize that only very few areas have that and very few people can afford it. So, my very humble two cents.
Evaluate your parenting practices honestly. If you let him get away with stuff because you’re exhausted and just can’t deal with him at the moment, you’ll have to fix it. A lot of kids, even ones with diagnoses, know exactly how far to push to get what they want.
You have to make him understand that no is the end of the discussion. However you choose to do that, is up to you. And then you’ll just have to keep fighting.
I know what I’m saying and I know what that means, but there is light at the end of the tunnel here.
He will either come around or he won’t, but you will have done everything you could and take your peace in that. 8 is still young, it may be entirely possible to turn this around. And if he continues, then maybe a military school is an option, but try first. He’s very young for that now.” innessa5
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your kid has needs that need special therapeutic intervention, not discipline. There’s a reason that traditional parenting techniques aren’t working because he is not a ‘traditional kid’. You need a full psych eval and a good family therapist to help you.
You need a therapist that specializes in working with kids like your son. I am a therapist who works exclusively with children, which is how I can tell you with absolute certainty that sending your kid to one of those kid boot camps will only traumatize him and cause more attachment problems.
I obviously don’t know the entire family history here, but ODD is a garbage-can diagnosis and is usually given to kids who have some sort of trauma. I also wonder about attachment disorder. If (probably more like when) you get an autism diagnosis, please find a therapist who specializes in this but does not use ABA (Applied Behaviour Analysis).
You and your husband need to be prepared to be very involved in treatment as well.” saras_416
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, you have a diagnosis that explains his behavior. Oppositional Defiance Disorder means that your son will literally do the opposite of just about everything you tell him to do.
ADHD just adds to the frustration. Punishing him will not work, taking away his belongings will not work, and putting him in time out will not work. You could stick him in the middle of an empty room and he would still find a way to do something to upset you, that’s how those disorders combined work.
You haven’t found the right balance yet and it can take years, you also haven’t found the right people to help him. Keep advocating for him, you are his best, and often his only, chance to get ahead of this.
There are medical professionals who can help but it takes time to find them.
Fight for the tests to confirm or rule out autism, they often go hand in hand with the two diagnoses you have, fight for his needs to be taken into account when the school is trying to exclude him for something he really can’t control.
Fight for him to be assessed properly and medicated properly, for his diet to be adjusted if need be, and for people to listen when he is telling them his reality because that may be very different from the reality you think is happening. Fight for his life because you are his best advocate always, especially through the really tough times when nobody else wants anything to do with him.
Keep trying things, outdoor things, indoor things, obscure things, easy things, difficult things, all the things. Take him back to the doctors, counselors, and therapists until they listen to you and help you help him. Camp on their doorsteps, go back as often as it takes to see the next person on the chain, and you will find someone who can help.” Caitmk
8. AITJ For Not Taking My Kids To Church?
“My ex-wife started to embrace religion ever since her parents died a few years ago. I am an atheist but respect other people’s religions. In fact, I respect it so much that I don’t care. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a church.
My ex usually has our sons on Sundays and takes them to church. They are 7 and 9. It’s a hippy kind of church.
My ex has to work on Sunday for the rest of the year and asked me if I’d take them to church.
I said God, no.
I wouldn’t feel comfortable. Plus, she told the church people that I don’t believe in God and have zero patience for anyone trying to convert me. I’m not in the mood for religious debates. The boys obviously can’t go alone, so they won’t go. They’re not heartbroken over it.
They’d be just as happy as going to IHOP or the beach in the morning.
My ex said this is important to her and assured me that no one cares that I am an atheist. Nope.
For the record, I’m a reluctant atheist. I believe more of an existence of space aliens than God.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Religion is something that should’ve been discussed prior to and during your marriage. I get that she converted and wants the kids to go to church, but you also have a say in how they are raised.
Since Sunday is now your day, she can’t force you to take them to church.
Depending on the denomination, they may have activities and other worship opportunities throughout the week. Your ex can take the kids during those times.
If they show interest in going to church (ex. Youth group), I think you should take them. Additionally, they can show interest in other religions, so I think you should take them to other worship services if needed.” luvduvbunny
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Parents have a right to raise their children in the religious (or lack thereof) setting of their choice. When there is a difference in beliefs, family courts will often say you do your own thing when you have them. If she has found religion, that’s her thing.
And if she wants the children to learn about her belief system, that’s her right. But it is equally your right to teach your kids about your belief that there is no omnipotent deity writing their life story. Personally, I’m a big believer in introducing kids to a variety of different theological practices and letting them determine what makes the most sense to them.
I guess that’s how I ended with 1 Christian, 2 atheists, 1 that feels most connected to Buddhism, and 1 that has never identified their belief system to me.” stressed0324
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She has every right to take them and you have every right not to.
I will say if your boys show interest then I think you should******* up now and again.
Also is she just no longer going to church then? Most churches usually have a service at least one day a week that’s not Sunday, tho it depends on the denomination. Cause if she’s not going anymore due to work why is so worried about her boys continuing to go?
And if she wants to expand their relationship with her faith why would she have you take them? That’s not your belief, it truly becomes some weird empty gesture at that point.
Also, faith shouldn’t exist only in your place of worship. She can share her faith outside of church real easy.” Distinct-Practice131
7. AITJ For Texting The Groom's Ex The Weekend Of The Wedding?
“I was a groomsman at my good buddy’s wedding this past weekend. The ceremony and the reception were both lovely. The couple is happy. The issue lies in the fact that the bride caught me chatting over text with her new husband’s ex. The context here is that I and the groom and his ex were all in the same university friend group, and they had dated for 2 years before he broke up with her unexpectedly because he basically left her for his now-wife.
His ex was pretty devastated and didn’t handle it in the best way possible, but that was 4 years ago. She’s moved on, although she is now single, but fooling around and building her career and is happy. She hardly ever brings him up anymore. She and I stayed friends, we were friends before they dated and we’re friends now.
That hasn’t changed. We chat regularly.
She knew about the wedding and obviously, she was not invited (the bride REALLY hates her), but the coming days before she sent me a meme and it sparked a conversation over text and we texted back and forth.
We didn’t talk about the wedding at all. The bride saw my phone light up with a notification from her at the rehearsal dinner and got very very upset. She said that I was disrespecting the wedding and the couple’s relationship by engaging with the groom’s ex that weekend (truth be told, the bride hates the ex so much that she tried to insist that I stop talking to her if I want to be in the wedding, but thankfully the groom talked sense into her).
Anyways, she kept being mad, was in a sour mood at the reception, and said I ruined the mood of the wedding by being ‘distracted with by his ex.’ She complained to the groom, but he could not have cared. I truly do not understand how this is an issue.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The bride has no business worrying about who you’re communicating with. She’s rightfully insecure about the ex as her soon-to-be husband fooled the ex with her. One degree of separation from her lying SO is uncomfortably close. Fours years later, she’s still looking over her shoulder because the ex is still in his life, even if indirectly through you.” disappointedvet
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You don’t like the bride, which is fine. You don’t have to like everyone. However, you really should have declined a role in their wedding. You are team ex. Ex was most likely lied to and reacted badly (don’t blame her).
But you really shouldn’t have brought ex into their wedding. Yes, texting someone during an event does bring them into the event. Especially if you allow people to see who you’re texting with.” lilyofthevalley2659
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Who you are friends with is none of her business.
If she wasn’t snooping and being nosy she wouldn’t have even known you were texting with her. Plus it’s your phone and life, just because you are at her wedding the world doesn’t stop for her day, you are free to do what you like.
You fulfilled your role for your friend at the wedding and were present. It’s not like you pulled out your phone and texted during the ceremony right?
However, if you were texting her that you were at the wedding and your friend should have married her or were trash-talking… then you might be the jerk just a little bit.
LOL.” zombiestig1
Another User Comments:
“I feel like everyone sucks here.
There’s a heavy implication here that the groom dumped the ex suddenly for no reason, likely having had an affair with the bride.
The bride is insecure. This we all agree. But she has reason to be.
This ex was desperately trying to win the groom back for ages. And the groom is likely an untrustworthy liar.
I also completely doubt the ex is over things. She got dumped out of the blue 4 years ago and was trying to win him back.
And now she texts the mutual friend at the wedding? Please. As others have stated, the ex KNEW when her ‘one who got away’ was getting married and knew OP was a groomsman. But she chose to start up a conversation just then, maybe to distract him or maybe just to fish for information or to feel like she was doing something.
You know how much I text someone I know who’s at a wedding? 0 texts. Maybe a message late in the evening or the next day about how it all went. So she clearly had her own agenda.
The groomsman also… has groomsmen duties which means he shouldn’t be texting mates when he’s at a reception dinner or wedding because no matter who he is texting it’s rude to have your phone out all day.
I highly doubt the bride just happened to see a one-off message – I don’t think he was keeping a long conversation hidden.
If you are texting back and forth at an event where you have a role, to the point people are calling you out, you’re at least a bit of a jerk.
Honestly, this is an ‘everyone sucks here’ situation.” linerva
6. AITJ For Not Telling Our Daughter That We Bought Her Brother A Laptop?
“My kids (F14, M17) have been insisting that I buy a laptop for them. They both have tablets that they use for school but they complained that they need a laptop. I could only afford one laptop and knowing my kids, they will fight over it every day if I make them share so I had to give it to one of them and I knew that my son needs it a lot more than my daughter so I bought one for him and to avoid drama I told him to just use it in his room and not to let his sister see it
It was fine for a few days but then my daughter started to get suspicious about why my son spends all his time in his room so yesterday she ran to his room and opened the door without knocking and caught him using his laptop
She literally threw a tantrum, like crying and screaming at us until I sent her to her room. She called her grandparents and told them about it and while they are on our side they say we are jerks for keeping it a secret so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not for prioritizing who gets a laptop because sometimes you need to do that. But because of the lying and underhanded way you went about it. It’s your job as a parent to teach your kids how to live in the world and sometimes that includes explaining to them why they can’t always have exactly what others have.
There was a limited budget, your son is older and had a bigger need at the moment, so he got the laptop. This is something you should have explained to your daughter. She likely still would have been upset, but again, that is your job as a parent to help her navigate her feelings around it and let her know the reasons for your decisions.
Instead, you lied to her and had your son lie as well, which is a terrible lesson for both. Did you really think this was going to go unnoticed forever? Now your daughter feels betrayed and like her whole family is against her.” SandwichOtter
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. What is going on in your house that you can’t just tell your daughter your decision? She’s 14. Her brother is 17 and has more advanced classes. He got his laptop now, she’ll get one when you can save up for it. That is something a teen should be able to comprehend whether they like it or not.
Grab the reins and insist on mature behavior or privileges start being taken away.
She needs to grow up and start acting her age. It’s fine to be angry about something, but she’s watching too much dramatic media if she thinks screaming, ranting, and calling her grandparents to take her side is in any way normal or mature.
It just highlights her unreadiness to have adult responsibilities like a laptop to share or care for.” MmeHomebody
Another User Comments:
“You could have done scheduling or told them that you can only afford one right now and will be saving for later. I’m sure the daughter would be a little hurt that he gets it first but she should understand at that age, and if she knew you were saving for another one then she probably wouldn’t have been as upset.
You could have also waited till their birthdays or Christmas to see if others would want to go in with you, or offered to pay half for a laptop for each child if they made enough for the other half like by getting a job or something even if it was only for a few weeks or months.
You could have gotten one on a payment plan and paid it all off later, as well. There were just so many ways to do this and you chose probably the worst one. Now it looks like you never planned to get her one and that you love your son more and see her as lesser because you didn’t even think she deserved to know anything.
That’s hurtful, especially at that age when she is still figuring herself out and having hormone washes. YTJ and if you think so little of your daughter and/or her maturity you may want to work on that instead of ignoring and working around it, assuming this is even the case.
Also showing her that you genuinely don’t believe she can handle being even a little mature is infantilizing and will be bad in the long run since she may have self-esteem issues based on it. This will make it known that she isn’t expected to be mature so she won’t be and this will be bad for her.” Squidia-anne
5. WIBTJ If I Turn My Stepson's Room Into A Nursery?
“Me (30f) and my partner (31m) of 3 years are living together. We each have a child from a previous relationship. My son (11) lives with us full-time. His son (8) lives with us every other weekend. They each have their own bedroom.
I recently found out I’m 3 months pregnant.
This was completely unplanned and a failed vasectomy.
The home we live in is technically mine. It’s all our home but I paid for everything (down payment, washer dryer, couch, refrigerator, all furniture, etc)
I would like to turn my stepson’s room into a nursery and have the stepson and my son share a room while he’s with us.
I just got my home a year and a half ago, and it’s only 3 bedrooms. We don’t have the funds to get a new home and I honestly wouldn’t want to. This is my first home, and I’m super proud of it.
I hate the idea of taking away my stepson’s room, but it sits unused 26 days a month and a new baby requires room for all the baby stuff.
WIBTJ if I turned my stepson’s room into my new baby’s room since he’s only with us 4 days a month?
UPDATE: Spoke with my partner. He’s greatly upset that I would even suggest moving his son out of his room to share a bedroom with my son. He said if we combine the room for the boys then he’s leaving. Says he does not want to keep the baby anymore.
INFO: The boys get along great, love each other, and have similar interests. We haven’t shared the news yet because we want to be a little further along before making them adjust to a new life. We don’t think they will be happy about a new baby in the picture.
INFO2: We live in a state where there are no basements, only attics. It’s not possible for anyone to live in the attics because of the humidity/insulation/hot water heater/etc. Not safe at all.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, though you’re cutting it close by using the logic that it’s ‘technically’ your home.
That’s a surefire way to rip all trust from the relationship.
Also, babies are supposed to sleep in your room for the first year anyways, and they really don’t have enough things to take up an entire room. I had this misbelief as well.
They eat, sleep, and poop. They can do that in your room, the living room, and the dining room.
Your son is close to his teen years. Don’t destroy the boys’ relationship by taking his privacy, and invading his personal space. Your stepson has it hard enough trying to balance two homes and adding a baby means he needs extra affection and attention, not less space.
He’d feel like he was being replaced and not important enough.” RelativeExistence
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for considering it, but YWBTJ if you did it without discussing it with the boys and letting them know your reasoning. It’s difficult enough being a child moving between two separate households, and taking away his personal space might make him feel he’s unimportant or secondary to your other children.
If he does move in with his older stepbrother, he’ll need to feel as though he still has his own space and his own things around him, and his stuff won’t be moved or played with without him agreeing to that, otherwise, he’ll feel insecure and unwelcome.
So you need to sit and discuss as a family.” chubalubs
Another User Comments:
“So the fact that you point out who owns the home turns this into YTJ.
You are adding a new child to the house, so of course, rooms need to shift, and if you can’t afford a larger place to live, then having the two boys share is fine.
But, then it becomes THEIR room. Your son needs to give up half his room and understand it is now just as much his stepbrother’s space as it is his space. It’s great that he has it alone most of the time, but when your stepson is there, you need to make sure that your son doesn’t control the space/boss him around.
The reason you are the jerk is that you are speaking about this issue like his space is less worthy than your son, and you made sure we all knew that this was YOUR home, so you otherized your stepson and his father as if they do not have the same ‘right’ to space in the home.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, congratulations. Definitely have a discussion with your husband about it first so you both are on the same page before you talk to any of the kids. Then I would have a sit-down conversation with your son. This gives him a chance to give input and feel that you are considerate of his feelings.
You also want to do this with your stepson. I don’t know y’all schedule but I would talk to your son at least you know 3 days ahead so he’s got a chance to think about it and have some ideas and things about it. Then when your stepson comes over for the weekend you can have a sit-down conversation with him.
And talk to him about it and ask for his input. This way everyone’s on the same page and everyone gets to be able to share how they feel about it before the change happens. That’s very helpful.
And however, communication is going on with your stepson’s mother and other family members of his of their household you know obviously letting him know is a good thing.
One of the reasons why I’d say to include everybody is to get ahead of any possible upset and drama that can happen. It makes for a nice calmer transition for everybody. And this is also a great time you get to talk to the children about expecting a new sibling and knowing that they can talk to you about how they feel.
Whether it was unexpected or plans kids can have some positive and upsetting reactions to having a new sibling. It’s best to find out how they’re going to feel about it ahead of time so it’ll be easier and less stressful later on.” boiledpenny
I may be off in left field, but it is possible he doesn't think it's from a failed vasectomy? He might doubt that explanation. I say this because I had a married friend in the same position and he thought his wife had cheated. He acted like a huge jerk because of it, and only felt awful after the paternity test.
I have serious reservations about his reaction.
I get that he had the vasectomy because he didn't want any more children, but again, his reaction of 'not wanting to keepthe baby' because you suggested the boys sharing a room is a big red flag.
Now, as far as the boys- I do not think at your older son's age and having his own room, is going to like the idea and will resent both younger siblings for it. Maybe not, but most likely. I would suggest any other option. Is the dining room big enough to partition off? This is a pickle for sure. Best of lucj and I hope everything works out for all of you.
4. WIBTJ If I Don't Dress Up For Halloween?
“I (17NB, assigned male at birth) have been asked by my parents (specifically my mother) to dress up as Napoleon Dynamite for Halloween for a few months now. Before now, I’ve typically rejected this idea for a few reasons:
I’m not a fan of Halloween.
I’m an extremely introverted person, and the whole concept of going up to people’s houses dressed in something stupid-looking is fairly anxiety-inducing to me
I already have a bad association with the character. I’m pretty self-conscious about my appearance, and a while ago, my parents made the realization that I look similar to Napoleon.
I initially passed it off as a funny observation, but since then both my parents and siblings have used that to tease me and sometimes outright insult me. I’ve asked them to stop several times, citing that it makes me uncomfortable, but it’s usually passed off with the excuse that they’re just joking and to not take it seriously.
So despite my protests, my parents have still been adamant that I go through with their idea. The plan is for me and my younger brother (12M) to go around the neighborhood as Napoleon and Pedro, respectively. I have another younger brother (also 12M) who’s also involved in this story, but as far as I know, he’s not dressing up as a Napoleon character.
As of a couple of days ago though, is where the problem comes in. My stepdad decided to promise my two brothers that if we went along with their plan, he would buy us all brand-new gaming laptops. Not cheap ones either, really powerful ones.
My brothers, being the typical video game-obsessed 12-year-olds that they are, jumped all over this.
But here’s the catch: he’s already bought them, and they’re in fact coming in today. And they only get to have them if I agree to dress up as Napoleon.
Otherwise, he says that he’s going to send them back.
As you can imagine, I’m pretty torn about what to do. On one hand, I’ve already expressed that I’m really uncomfortable with the whole idea, and feel like now I’m being blackmailed into doing it.
On the other hand, I feel extremely guilty about turning down the offer, since my brother is now extremely excited about the laptops, and I’m pretty sure that they’re going to hold me at fault if they don’t get them. I’m not too concerned about getting a laptop myself, I’d love one for sure, but it’s not too high on my list of priorities.
So what should I do? WIBTJ if I didn’t dress up and lost everyone’s chance to get a new laptop?
UPDATE: So the laptops arrived while I was away at school, and my stepdad just came and asked if I had an answer for the offer.
I took that time to talk to him about what you guys all said, about how it made me uncomfortable going out dressed like that, and how it was unfair and manipulative of him to use the laptops and my brothers to blackmail me into doing it.
He initially brushed me off again as being dramatic and sensitive.
I think then it finally clicked in his head what he had been doing, and he apologized and told me that they had just been excited about their idea, and thought it would be funny.
He also said that I was right about the laptops and he wouldn’t hold them over me anymore, and we could have them whatever my choice was.
He also apologized for making fun of me in the past and said that he and my mom would stop, and hold my siblings accountable if they were doing it too.
In the end, we came to an agreement for me to dress up for a family photo or two, and then I could get back into regular and hand out candy like I usually do, so I guess it’s a happy ending, and everyone gets what they want.
PS: I’ll also keep a close eye on things since there were probably some more… sinister things going on.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you have nothing to feel guilty about. Your stepdad can apparently afford to buy super-powered gaming laptops for your brothers but he is choosing to be a complete jerk about it.
Nothing here is your fault. The idea that your stepdad is making a gift dependent upon your feelings and your humiliation is one of the sickest things I’ve read on this forum in a while. And your mother is a gigantic jerk if she is all for this.
Jokes are only funny when all parties laugh. Your stepfather wants to humiliate you and torment you and is teaching your brothers that they should enjoy that as well.
If your brothers get upset with you help them direct their feelings of anger and disappointment toward your parents who caused this.
I am so sorry that you live in this situation and hope you are able to escape it relatively soon.” AdministrationThis77
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is so fishy, no normal adult is so invested in what a teenager dresses up as for Halloween that they would spend 3k on bribes to get it.
I feel like you’re in danger, I can’t figure out exactly what your stepdad’s endgame is, but it seems really fishy. They’ve been using this character to bully you, so maybe they’re planning to take a photo of you guys in the costume to further the bullying?
Or maybe your parents are on illegal stuff that make this whole costume seem extremely funny to them, to the point that they just ‘need’ to see it happen?
In the worst-case scenario, maybe your stepdad is planning to have people jump you while you’re out trick or treating.
I don’t know but their reactions show that you’re absolutely right to hold your ground. Tell your kid brothers that stepdad is the jerk for using their new computers as blackmail (blackmail is illegal) instead of just giving them to them.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents are making this really weird. You and your brother are both too old to be dressing up as whatever your parents want. It’s not okay that they’re using you as a manipulation tool for your brothers.
You have a couple of options and none of them are perfect.
Stand your ground and refuse to be manipulated by your parents. You might be able to force your stepdad to admit that he’s the one making the choice to taunt your brothers with laptops. But if you have any worries about your safety or any potential worse escalations by your stepdad, I’m not sure I would recommend this one.
Make a deal with your brothers to circumvent your stepdad; you can dress up as Napoleon to leave the house and then throw another costume over top for the rest of the evening as soon as you’re out of sight.
If possible, make another plan for the evening.
Bonus points if you can volunteer somewhere or help someone else with a Halloween-related thing. Explain to your family that you’re too old for trick or treating and your trick or treating days are over.
******t up and do it to keep the peace and simply count down the days until you turn 18 and can leave the house.” User
3. AITJ For Not Caring About My Mom's Grief?
“My (16M) dad passed away 5 months ago, it’s just my mom and me now.
I want to start by saying that I was never, ever close to any of them, they’re in their business and I was in mine, I don’t think they wanted to be parents, to be honest, not neglectful but not really involved. It hurts in my heart that he’s gone, yeah, but it doesn’t involve a very major change.
He and my mom were pretty close tho, soulmates even, though it was obvious that they were very much in love and adored each other, my dad did everything for her, everything. He took care of the house, the pets, etc, my mom didn’t work, and while she was a stay-at-home mom, she spent most of her day reading and chilling.
My dad and I did almost all of the chores in the house. Now that my dad is gone, she expects me to take over what my dad did, she got a job (I also have a job, but I don’t pay the bills), and before my dad passed, I was in charge of my own room, my laundry and sweeping and mopping 2 days a week, the dishes 3 days a week and taking the trash out 3 days a week, now she wants me to do everything because ‘she’s tired’ or just because she expects me to.
She had to give up my dad’s pets because I refused to take care of them, and she was super mad about it.
Now, I’ve been sucking up because, as bad as it sounds, it annoys me to hear her cry all the time. Maybe I wasn’t as close to him as her, but he was my dad, and I miss him, and she’s patronizing our grief.
She had a manic episode 2 months ago and redid part of the roof in our house, the job was poorly done, and despite me telling her that rainy season was coming, she shut me down, now part of the house flooded and I have to spend 1-2 hours there, down in the rain taking it out or unclogging drains and I’m done.
Yesterday was the same, and I decided I didn’t care anymore, she came to my room to wake me up at around 1:40 am and told me to get the work done. I said it was HER job and she said she didn’t want to be around that area because it was my dad’s studio, so I just moved her (because I didn’t shove nor push) out of my room and told her that I didn’t care if she was grieving, she had to take care of the house because she was the parent and close the door.
I went back to sleep but I woke up again at around 3 am and she was sitting on the couch, soaked and crying and my uncle (her brother) was finishing taking the water out.
My mom called me a jerk, but my uncle asked me to give her some time and help her more.
I think I do enough, so I just went back to sleep, and now my mom is sick, and I’m not so sure anymore.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, except maybe the uncle. Your mom is grieving and I get that it’s very hard to do anything in that state; she did get a job and pays the bills for both of you, so it seems like she’s trying her best. On the other hand, you are a child, and it’s unfair to expect you to do everything your father did, and on top of that take care of a problem she caused in the middle of the night.
You guys need outside help, and that’s usually when the extended family steps up like your uncle did coming in the middle of the night. However, I think your uncle is a bit of a jerk for telling you that you should do more when it seems like you’re already doing enough for your age.” xiena13
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s not your place to fill your dad’s shoes now that he’s passed and while it’s understandable that she’s having a hard time coping with the loss of her husband, she seems to be ignoring the fact that you’re also grieving the loss of your dad.
It sounds like you’re already pulling your weight around the house, and it’s not your responsibility to do everything when there are two of you living there especially considering she’s the adult and you’re still a child.
Side note: she needs to get that roofing issue properly fixed before serious damage happens.
The longer it’s put off, the worse the damage will get and the more costly it will become. That is definitely NOT your responsibility to fix either.” Gelflingscanfly
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It sounds like your mother is struggling, perhaps with mental illness.
Regardless, you are both grieving, and everyone does that differently.
If your house is flooding regularly to the point it caused your mother to be sick, there is a massive problem there. Another adult in the family needs to be alerted to the condition of the house.
If no other adult can step in and actually intervene, it may be time to remove yourself from the house by contacting your local Child Protective Services or equivalent agency. That’s not a fun route but may lead to your mother getting the help she needs.
It’s not healthy or safe for you to be living in that situation.
Regarding doing housework – yup, that’s part of your job as a person living in the house. Same with your mother – she needs to step up and be the mom of the house now that your father is gone.
However, there’s no good reason to speak to your mom the way you did. You’re both struggling. A little grace and empathy won’t hurt.” Onyx_G
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but to be fair your mom. SHE may not know what needs to be done and how to properly do it.
Sounds to me like she’s not only grieving but also overwhelmed and it sounds like she did try and it turned out badly – now she’s not sure what to do, is overwhelmed, and carrying too much. Talk to her when you are both calmer and see what she says.
If dad did everything she may just not have the knowledge to do it.
By the way – I don’t think you are doing too much per se. I was running the house at 10 because mom had back surgery and was in traction for an entire year.
I didn’t have a job, but I had school, speech, and physical therapy, and helped with caring for mom and her physical needs.” Not_your_village
2. AITJ For Returning My Stepdaughter's Gift Over A Cupcake?
“I’m (f33) engaged to my fiance (m36). I have a 4-year-old daughter, and he has a 16-year-old daughter.
He comes from a conservative family, so we won’t move in together til after marriage. So far, we’re on good terms as a blended family. But I noticed that my stepdaughter acts kind of distant towards my daughter.
Every time I try to talk to my fiance about it, he tells me to give the kids a chance to bond and warm up to each other.
My stepdaughter’s 16th birthday took place on Sunday. Since she’s into baking, she decided to bake cupcakes instead of having an actual birthday cake.
My daughter and I went over to my fiance’s house to attend the party, and I brought my stepdaughter a gift which was an iPhone.
We sat down as she started serving everyone cupcakes. Then when it was my daughter’s turn, she bluntly said she was sorry, but she didn’t save any for my daughter.
I felt confused, I asked if she made enough cupcakes and whether there were guests that came uninvited. She said no and that she just didn’t make one for my daughter. I asked why, and she refused to say. I was so mad and felt hurt on my daughter’s behalf.
I got up and told my fiance that I wanted to leave. My fiance tried to stop me and offered his cupcake to my daughter, but I refused to take it. On the way out, I grabbed the gift I brought for my stepdaughter, and she stood there and watched. I could hear her yell ‘dad she took the iPhone’ while I was walking out with my daughter.
My fiance tried to get me to go back inside, but I refused.
Later, He came over and we had an argument. He said that I overreacted and that I know how some teenagers can be moody and do random stuff without an explanation, so I shouldn’t have taken it personally.
I said she excluded my daughter and didn’t save her a cupcake but he said it was just a cupcake and then reminded me that he offered his cupcake and said I should’ve accepted it and called it a day. He said taking the iPhone which was supposed to be a gift back was in poor taste and it might hurt my relationship with his daughter.
I refused to give it to him so he could give it to her since she was crying about it. He left and was mad at me.
We haven’t talked since then except via texts.
Edit: She’s been wanting the iPhone for a while, and since her dad couldn’t buy it I decided it’d be nice if I gifted it to her.
Where I live, iPhones are the most common phones.
Also, I saw that she served her SO a whole plate of cupcakes, so it’s not like she baked a specific number.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you need to rethink this relationship. It will not get better after you are married and the 4 of you are living together.
Your future stepdaughter deliberately made cupcakes for everyone except for a FOUR-YEAR-OLD. She knew exactly what she was doing.
That’s rude and awful and horrible. I would have taken the phone back too, and not gone back until that teenager apologized to my daughter.
I don’t know if she’s doing this to try to break you two up, but your fiancé should have had your back on this one.
The fact that he did nothing to correct his daughter’s atrocious behavior is telling.
Edit to add the following because I re-read it and got angrier.
Consider this. A 16-year-old is crying because a phone was taken away from her because of her behavior. She’s upset because of the consequences of her actions – play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
But the 4-year-old did NOTHING except attend a party and get completely overlooked. She’s the one who should be crying. That’s where your fiancé’s focus should be.” DisneyBuckeye
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, minus the 4-year-old, but the dynamics are really skewed and you’re leaving things out.
As someone who’s been this 16-year-old, I can tell you: you’re going about this all wrong. You’re trying to force a 16-year-old ‘child’ to have a relationship with your kid. Out of everyone here, the divorces and reblending of the family are most traumatic to the 16-year-old: you and your SO are happy about it, and the 4-year-old is probably mostly along for the ride.
The 16-year-old, on the other hand, seems to be fine with her dad changing the shape of his life, but y’all are attempting to force a change in her life without actually doing the work. Buying her an expensive phone for her birthday isn’t going to make your relationship work, and taking it away from her as punishment is indicative of the fact that you think it’s a tool rather than a gift.
A 16-year-old shouldn’t have been vindictive, but you’re trying to force all this stuff on her. Stop trying to force it.
Your partner needs to parent her better, not stronger, not harsher, but work with her to figure out how to make this work. What are her fears?
What does she need in these changes? ‘She’s 16, she needs to figure it out’ – not without the help of adults. She’s still a child.
But a 33-year-old woman matching a 16-year-old’s vindictive behavior is pathetic. You’re either an adult in the situation or you’re not.
Right now, you’re not.
Blending families is hard. And it’s hardest on the kids, especially the ones that are going through puberty. The 16-year-old may have ‘started’ this specific instance, but she’s having the hardest time and is reacting to the adults’ behavior. Either do the work or let it go.
Don’t try to win points with expensive gifts and then write off a relationship because of some cake.” pete_forester
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, however, there are red flags here. The fact is your fiance is never going to stand up for your daughter. There’s always going to be this divide between his and your child.
His daughter purposely excluded a family member and all your fiance is mad about is the fact HIS daughter is crying because she didn’t get her iPhone. He doesn’t care for how your daughter feels for the obvious snub, nor your feelings at the disrespect shown.
This wasn’t just her not saving a cupcake this was her purposely planning not to make one to exclude your daughter. This isn’t about blending families, as far as I can see in your post fiance is rug sweeping constantly but has no intentions of trying to blend the families in any meaningful way.” GMoI
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – What is a 16-year-old going to want to do with a 4-year-old that she’s not even related to? You can’t force a ‘bond’, that’s not a reasonable expectation. You can’t order a 16-year-old to hang out with your 4-year-old, that’s really wrong of you to expect that.
That being said, I get that teenagers can be moody and it was a jerk move on her part not to give your kid a cupcake, but she’s been forced into this blended family without getting a say. This cupcake thing was all she had to push back with, so she used it.
And you’re mad she won’t conform to your idea of a perfect family. If you keep up this attitude of yours, you’re going to alienate her forever.
Try to understand that she will never see you as her mother and your daughter will never be her sister, and that’s fair.
You should strive to all get along on friendly terms and not force her to conform to what you see as your authority over her.
You’re the outsider blowing up her world. Be the adult and try to be a little more understanding about that.
Stop trying to force things on her.” SammyLoops1
1. AITJ For Blaming My Fiancée For My Family's Fight?
“My fiancee and I are currently planning a wedding and dealing with all of the stress that comes with that. When she went wedding dress shopping, she decided to invite my mom as an olive branch as they have never had an easy relationship.
My mom decided to try on wedding dresses during my fiancee’s appointment (for her own wedding, not one of those MILs wearing white things), and my fiancee was understandably furious.
When she told me I tore my mom a new jerk. I told her if she pulled any more crap like that, she would be uninvited.
I told my fiancee, who was very happy with how I handled it, so I thought we could move on.
Then my cousin (who we are not close with and who is kind of a mean girl) asked my fiancee what the fight was about because she had heard my mother’s fiance saying he is done with us. My fiancee told her, so she told her mom, who told everyone.
Now the entire family is attacking us, calling us mentally ill, saying my fiancee is a narcissist for thinking my mom couldn’t try anything on at the boutique, and my grandparents are threatening not to come. It is a mess.
I recently sat down with my fiancee to talk about how to move forward.
She said my family is crazy, and I agreed, but I asked why she told my cousin. She seemed taken aback and said she only told her the truth. I said she knows my cousin’s gossip and I don’t understand why she would tell her anything, and I feel she is partly responsible which hurt me as I thought I had done a great job handling my mom.
My fiancee was clearly hurt and said it wasn’t her fault at all and she won’t be blamed. She said she has the right to share the truth with anyone and I shouldn’t shame her.
Edit: I don’t get why she even answered, as we are in no contact with my cousin.
My cousin has refused to speak to us for over a year because she was afraid if she did, daddy might cut off her funds.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. So you stood up for your fianceé when your mother pulled out one of the crassest moves a MIL can pull, and you think you deserve a gold medal for it.
And then you turned around and blamed your fianceé for your crappy family stirring the pot about the crap your mother pulled.
I’m sorry that your family is so horrible. But you need to make a decision here. You either stand up for yourself and your future wife, or you bend over and embrace your trash family.
But please do it before the wedding so your fianceé can dump you instead of having to divorce you.
It is not in any way her fault. Your cousin asked her a direct question. Because your future stepfather gossiped about you to them. Your fianceé had no obligation to lie about what happened.
And the fact your folks are calling her a narcissist when your ordinary mother apparently cannot make her own bridal boutique appointment and has to hijack her DIL’s, is simply laughable.” Jolly_Tooth_7274
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here except for your bride-to-be.
Your cousin asked what was going on because apparently, your soon-to-be stepfather is running his mouth about you and ‘being done with you.’ So no, your bride isn’t ‘to blame as well.’ Your mom & her groom were already talking trash & bringing you up.
What was she supposed to do? Act like she didn’t know & seem guilty & like she was hiding something?
Your family is full of jerks, & I really hope she thinks hard before marrying someone who would try to hold her accountable for other people’s emotional reactions.
I can already imagine that escalating throughout your entire marriage. Freaking apologize, dude.” Glittering-Eagle-654
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Cousin wouldn’t have asked if your mother/mother’s fiancé weren’t already talking about it. So the gossip started somewhere else.
Second, it’s not ‘gossip’ to talk about something that happened to you.
Your partner can tell anyone she wants about her own experience with your mother. Gossip is when you say ‘did you hear Nancy down the street had a strange man over’ not ‘MIL tried on dresses at my own appointment.’
You don’t get to be ‘hurt’ by something that happened to your fiancé and who she decided to tell about it.
I’m sorry you wanted a gold star for doing the right thing and it was dimmed by YOUR family acting badly.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your Mom could have been more upfront with your fiance about ‘Hey, since I’m getting married soon too, why don’t we shop for dresses together’ and your fiance could have been more accepting of that, especially if one of the goals of the trip was to extend and olive branch and try to establish a healthy relationship.
Your fiance totally overreacted.
Your Mom and her fiance sound like they were gossiping about your fiance’s blow-up, so turnabout is fair play… but being a petty jerk in response to someone else being a petty jerk is still YTJ.
You all suck for massive over-reactions all over the place.
I get that planning a wedding can be stressful, but it sounds like your Mom is also going through that same stress herself… so instead of anger, maybe understanding would have been better. Especially if that relationship is even remotely important to either of you.” jerslan
