People Are Direct With Us In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Telling My Twin Brother It's His Fault He's No Longer The Favorite?
“My brother and I are both 17 years old. He has always been the parents’ favorite. He never had health problems, has been athletic, and has average grades meanwhile my parents never noticed me.
I have multiple health problems, I play the piano, and I’m also a very good cook.
Now to the present day, I’ve been helping out my mom a lot by cooking food, cleaning up, getting things for her, etc. She’s been really proud of me, calling me her right hand.
When my brother saw this, he told me to stop whatever I was doing to be the favorite. I told him I was just helping out mom since she works hard and barely has time for home and our dad is always away for work.
He told me he always used to be Mom’s favorite and that I was taking away the title he had for years.
I reminded him how I was never noticed in my childhood, no one ever helped, and that I still ended up a better person than him and it’s his fault for being so selfish and never helping our parents and that it’s hard enough taking care of twins.
He ended up complaining about it to Mom, no surprise, so am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But your parents MIGHT be. However, I generally think that if kids of a family all think the other is the favorite, the parents probably don’t actually have a favorite.
With all of your previous health issues, I’m really surprised that you weren’t noticed, because typically that makes a parent focus on a kid even more. I’m sure your mom is just appreciative of your help and probably won’t like your brother telling her that you should stop because it’s making you the favorite.
Just seems really ridiculous and petty.” jammy913
Another User Comments:
“NTJ your brother is a small jerk for his jealousy and attitude but your parents are major jerks for playing favorites all these years. You and your brother were pitted against each other by your parents treating you both differently in the first place.
They raised him as the golden child so his behaviour is no surprise. Both of you were harmed by your parents’ behavior in different ways.” katamino
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. How did your brother treat you when he was the favorite? Did he tell you to get healthy, join a sport, and bring your grades up?
It sounds like you are trying to blame yourselves and each other’s perceived shortcomings for your parent’s favoritism. They are the jerks for treating one of you better than the other and setting up a competition where you have to guess about or make sense of the unfairness.
Did you notice what made you the new favorite? Your brother was praised for his achievements, and they may have been living through him. Now, you are being valued for your skills in terms of what you are doing for your mother. If you know what it feels like to be the one who is left in the shade, why would you not pull him into the sun?
Your relationship with your twin is very special and will probably outlast the one with your parents. Make your peace with him. Yeah, he’s being a jerk for asking you to tone it down but telling him you are the “better person” makes you the jerk, too.
Your parents take the crown, though, for pitting twins against each other. I hope it gets better soon.” GladysKravitz21
21. AITJ For Not Letting My Dad Taste My Steak At A Restaurant?
“We were at the restaurant, my dad ordered fish and I ordered steak. Once I was halfway done with my steak, he asked if he could get a bite.
I refused, saying that in a restaurant, passing food to others is considered rude and impolite and I told him that he should order the steak next time we come by.
He then started this whole debate about how “we won’t go on vacation now because you did that”, “I hope you enjoy having your own room (we’re in a hotel) because it won’t last long” etc.
Am I the jerk? I honestly feel like I was in the right to deny my dad a bite.”
Another User Comments:
“INFO: Who paid for dinner? It’s not weird, rude, or even unusual to give a tablemate a bite off your plate at a restaurant. My family has always done this at any restaurant that does individual orders — unless the dish is very small we always offer each other a taste of what we’re having.
You’re not necessarily the jerk for refusing, but your stated justification is way off base.” sparkyclarkson
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s very common for people who are close (family, friends, even co-workers) to be curious about how other plates taste, and ask for a bite.
This is done in restaurants, and it’s not impolite. I’ve never refused someone curious about how my plate tasted, also I was never refused when I asked. This would be weird if he just took food from your plate without asking (not the case), or if you didn’t have a close relationship (again not the case, he’s your dad).
However, if this really bothers you so badly (hygiene, him using his fork/knife in your food), one thing you can do is cut a bite yourself and put it in his plate.” esk_7140
Another User Comments:
“Reading your comments I’m going with ESH. That lie you answered him with?
That was nonsense. The way you have been answering comments I feel like you did all of this to just fight with your dad, and you didn’t give an age, and I don’t want to assume, but I’m going with teenager? Your dad has been going out to eat since before you were born, he knows that it is perfectly acceptable to share food.
But, he acted like a jerk for those threats. Honestly, I feel like there is a lot more here, cause you didn’t list age, and give background info on if he does this a lot, if you answer back, and all of that. I went with ESH because I assume you are a teen, and he went to your level of pettiness.
He didn’t make those threats because you said no. He made them for your dumb lie. Both of y’all are jerks here.” mockingjbee
20. AITJ For Calling My Mother The Wrong Name In Response To Her Misnaming My Son?
“My mother has the habit of calling her grandchildren by whatever name she wants.
My son’s name is Oliver Luke, and his (real) middle name is a unique family name on my husband’s side that I chose for him. My mother insists he should have had my middle name instead and been named Oliver Lee, so that’s what she calls him.
It is starting to irritate both my husband and me, so we correct her every time by saying “It’s Oliver Luke” and she jokes about it saying, “I know!” but keeps going. My niece’s name is Mikayla Karis and my mother calls her Mikayla Grace.
I’ll correct her and she’ll snap that my brother doesn’t care. So it’s not just us she does it to.
The ironic thing is my paternal grandmother Joan always called my mom Nancy Gail…when her name is Nancy Ann. My mother HATED it and she and my grandmother hated each other.
WIBTJ if every time my mother called my son the wrong name, I called her “Joan” to show her she is acting exactly like the woman she hated all these years and is ticking me and my husband off?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I think our families are related lol, The majority of my dad’s side has this habit of mistakenly switching names amongst my sisters, brothers, and cousins.
A few times my dad or my paternal grandmother would go down the list until they hit the right name. And when they were frustrated, they would just yell out “voz Diablo” (you, Devil) “come over here!” You’re definitely not the jerk but if I try to pull that trick on my grandma, she would toss me a sandal.” stacity
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Either the kids are too young to figure out that Grandmommy is off her rocker and having a power trip by annoying their parent, or are old enough to figure out what they want to be called. And since ‘Karis’ is a name of Greek origin and ‘Grace’ isn’t….Is your mom racist, or was that the first example you came up with?
But you are really missing an opportunity to call her Slagathor or something else as terrible.” Ancient_List
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. There is a very specific kind of aphasia that makes it really hard to get names right. Combined with the function of storing people you have a deep connection to in the same “part” of the brain (oversimplified), names are often mistaken and mixed up, particularly with people you love.
My father just said all the names of all the kids when he wanted to name one of us. I have three colleagues with the same vowels in their names, all doing similar work, and while I know their names perfectly well I consistently mix them up and by now they all tell me to stop apologizing, they get it.
(They do laugh at me and use me as an example to demonstrate exactly this, so they take it pretty well and get their own back.) Because of the frequent connection between mixing up names and dementia, your mother may be really touchy about being reminded about her inability to get it right and may play it up as something deliberate.
She may prefer to have a fight with you rather than admit (even to herself) that she may be mixing the names up. If this is what is going on, picking a fight over it may be picking a fight over something she really can’t change.
If she does this to all the kids, it is quite likely that she can’t help it. I don’t think you are a jerk, because it is annoying and names are important. I just suspect that your mother may not be as deliberately mean as you think, just too proud and contrary.” Missepus
19. AITJ For Not Wanting My Husband To Smoke?
“I recently found out I’m pregnant but nobody else knows yet so when my husband’s cousin offered him a smoke and he accepted, I took it out of his mouth before he could light it.
From past experience I knew if he didn’t smoke, the rest of them wouldn’t either.
My husband never said anything but he did raise an eyebrow so I told him I didn’t like the smell, which is true and something he already knows, and that smoking is bad for you.
He found it funny for some reason but he gave the smoke back to his cousin.
I didn’t think it was a big deal until my sister-in-law pulled me aside later to tell me I shouldn’t have done it and I made my husband look bad.
We ended up arguing because she said I had been away for a long time but that didn’t mean I could do whatever I wanted to.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Light YTJ. That’s pretty weird and looks very controlling to the outside world. You don’t operate in a vacuum, and that sort of gesture looks bad.
You had legit reasons for them not to smoke, but taking the smoke out of your husband’s mouth is disrespectful. It’s like pulling something out of a dog’s mouth, or a toddler’s. I’m not surprised his family didn’t like it. Sure, your husband didn’t mind, but you always need to remember that his family loves him, too, so they’re going to react to something that looks like incredible disrespect.” Kari-kateora
Another User Comments:
“YTJ on this. I know some people are saying ‘kind of soft YTJ’ but I disagree. The SIL’s response was appropriate based on the information she had at her disposal, and you said she pulled you aside so as (I assume) not to make a scene?
To the uninformed, this looks like you treating your husband like a child because you don’t like the smell of smoke, yes, you’re pregnant, so there is a deeper justification, but even then. I’m assuming your husband does know you’re pregnant? If my wife was pregnant, I would like to think that I would choose not to smoke at all, but certainly not around her.
But if I did choose to smoke, and she physically snatched the smoke out of my mouth and made the choice for me, I’d be absolutely livid. Doubly so if I didn’t know she was pregnant. It’s cool that your husband was chill about it, but IMO that doesn’t justify this course of action at all.” gotNERPs
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. To quit smoking is super hard. Even if you don’t like the smell. But I understand it does smell. I’m a former smoker. I don’t think it’s cool to snatch something out of someone’s mouth. Even if it is your husband.
You could’ve walked away, waited until he was done, and then talked about it later instead of doing it in front of people. I don’t think you made him look bad per se, but that is an embarrassing situation to just snatch something from someone.
Even if you don’t like it. Yeah, I understand you’re pregnant. But again, that’s something that could’ve been addressed later on. But I don’t think anyone is the jerk. Everyone here has their reasons and issues. So I’m not gonna label anyone.” [deleted]
18. AITJ For Telling My Neighbors Not To Park Across The Property Line?
“My neighbors have been parking their large SUV in front of our house for months. They park as close as they can to their driveway but still cross the property line a significant distance.
We recently got another vehicle that now parks on the street.
We got a note recently stating it was “Urgent” from our neighbors. They said we were parking too close to the property line and they couldn’t park one of their four vehicles there because of it. And they had to park there because of their varying work schedules.
Granted we were squarely in front of our home, not crossing at all.
AITJ for telling them not to park where they cross the property line? It limits our parking when we have guests, for sure. But honestly, that’s the biggest problem.”
Another User Comments:
“Them saying you’re parking too close to the property line when you’re square in front of your house seems entitled to me. This is especially true given they have four vehicles and you have two. As other people have said, I don’t know what the deal with street parking is.
Do you own the space in front of your house? If it’s a public street, nobody owns that space. In that case, you can’t tell them not to park where they cross the property line, but neither can they say that you shouldn’t be parking in front of the house.” composingmusic
Another User Comments:
“Assuming I’m reading this right, I’m actually going with NTJ. Your neighbors have been parking in front of your house (partially anyway) for a while now and you’ve said nothing. Now, though, you are parking your own car in front of your house and they have the gall to complain about it.
Frankly, that would annoy the crap out of me and I’d be inclined to tell them I’ll park in front of my house however I want, and if it’s a problem, they can stay on their side of the property line. I completely agree with everyone that no one can tell someone if they can park in front of their house or not on a public street.
My point is just if someone complained at me that how I parked in front of my own house was impacting THEIR ability to park in front of my house, I’d tell them to sit and spin.” Qierce
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Street parking, if legal where you live, is likely first come first serve.
Nobody owns the right to park on a public street. If they got there first then it is fair game. Assuming they’re not blocking a fire hydrant or other utility access point, aren’t parked directly behind the driveway of someone across the street, or aren’t leaving the vehicle there as “storage” then there isn’t anything you can do.
They should also not be requesting you move a car parked on the street for all of the same reasons above. In my municipality street parking becomes against local code if any of the following are true 1. Blocking a fire hydrant 2. Parked behind a driveway (across a street) 3.
Parked on the road during winter months 4. Are parking for an extended period of time without vehicle movement (essentially they’re using it as vehicle storage). 5. Blocking official vehicles from accessing an easement or utility line. If they’re doing those things you should check with your town or city to see what can be done.
If they’re just parking in front of your house normally there isn’t anything you can really do other than be more passive-aggressive than them. Get a larger uglier vehicle and park in front of their house.” [deleted]
17. AITJ For Refusing To Pay Hospital Bills From When I Was A Minor?
“When I was 25 I went to the emergency room for treatment and after I was done being taken care of, the billing department pulled me aside and said I had a large outstanding bill (10-15 grand). So I looked at the bill and noticed all of the dates were before I was 18 and told them I’m not legally responsible for those bills.
I was a minor at the time and was covered under my mother’s insurance so they ended up putting the entire bill on my mother’s credit and she got very mad at me, even though all she needs to do to fix it is call her old insurance and have them fix it.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Depending on where you live, this will probably end up being the hospital’s problem. Especially if they haven’t made any attempt to collect this in the last 7 years. Debts have a statute of limitations. Tell your mom to look into what the time period is where you live.
Other than that, NTJ, aside from the fact that you could have given her a heads up straightaway.” onlysomanynames1298
Another User Comments:
“INFO. Were the bills in your name? This seems like an insurance or hospital issue. If they were from when you were 17 that’s more than 7 years ago.
Is it that they were already paid and now your mom has to spend hours talking to the insurance company about it so they can correct the hospital or something? Seems odd they found the information but haven’t been chasing your family for it.” pnutbuttercups56
Another User Comments:
“Your mom needs to check with her insurance company. If the bills were not submitted after this long they are most likely not collectible. However, if this is the co-pay that the insurance company didn’t cover and your mom ignored them when they sent her the bill with her portion, then it could stick.
This happened to me on a bill that was almost 4 years old. They told me that I had to pay because the insurance company didn’t… But when I checked into it, they had only submitted the bill to the insurance company (which was no longer my current one) a few months earlier.
They finally admitted this but told me it was my responsibility. I laughed at them and told them if it ever hit a credit report I would file so many complaints on them they would think they were in the middle of a blizzard. I never paid, they ended up eating the outstanding amount.” EnoughAlready710
16. AITJ For Being Angry At My Parents For Having Another Child We Can't Afford?
“I (14f) have 8 siblings currently living in the house and it’s very crowded. My parents announced their 12th child, I was so angry! Where would we even put this baby?
I have 10 other siblings (excluding me) which they are in order (2f, 3f, 5m, 6f, 6f, 8m, 10m, 11m, 18m, and 22m) some of my siblings are adopted but my parents have this unknown mission to keep having more children and it is driving me mad.
My parents announced the baby would be coming soon. We can’t afford another sibling, because we can’t even afford ourselves, and my parents spend it all on junk including this device I am writing on. I was really angry and told my parents we can’t afford a literal child anymore, and started to call them swear words, my parents grounded me but I managed to take the computer they got to write this thing.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents are being really irresponsible. I’m really sorry about your situation. I feel a bit rude even asking, but are your parents aware of different birth control options available? Birth control pills, birth control patches, injections (I think you can get this once a year) IUDs?
A more permanent solution would be your father getting a vasectomy or your mother getting her Fallopian tubes tied. I understand they might feel uneasy about the physical effects they might have on them; a vasectomy would probably be easiest, your mother has already been through a lot physically.” CringeOlympics
Another User Comments:
“Someone, Heinlein, possibly, observed that man is the only animal that reproduces more under adverse conditions. The supposition is that because we can comprehend our own mortality, we are driven to leave something of ourselves behind for the future. This is to observe that it’s difficult to prevent free (and semi-free) people from reproducing.
It is expensive to make an adult human, but anyone you make is more likely to be an accomplished surgeon than a serial killer, so people are generally a good thing. I’m sorry that your resources are stretched thin, but a child really is a blessing.
If you look and work for the best, hopefully, that’s where you’ll end up. Good luck. No jerks here. You’re welcome to your feelings. But I hope that whatever you feel about the wisdom of this pregnancy, you choose to love your new sibling as hard as you can.
It’s not their fault, and none of us asked to be here.” the-quibbler
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The worst is that such big families expect the older children to parent the younger ones. They don’t care what the children (=family) think. So selfish. I wouldn’t be surprised if they always hope that a new baby fixes the marriage or they just like babies but if the children get older, they aren’t so cute anymore = new child.” EvilFinch
15. AITJ For Wanting To Lock My Room During My Mom's Parties?
“I, (13 nonbinary) am sick and tired of my mother (41F) allowing people to sleep in my bed at her regular Burning Man camp parties. For context, I am sent to my grandmother’s house during the parties.
I don’t have anything against my mom having fun, but I always return to see my room totally trashed, and one person even left a beta fish in my room. My bed is always slept in by people that I don’t even know, and I am sick and tired of it.
I have asked her to stop letting people in my room altogether during her parties, but she says that “they have to have somewhere to sleep.” My house has so many other places to sleep with three guest bedrooms, but people keep sleeping in my bed!
AITJ for pestering her to let me lock my room?
I do not blame the people she parties with as they are very nice and some of them even are my friends as well. For example, one of the people has done free haircuts for me and my family for the last couple of years, and because I have to pay for my own haircuts it is very helpful.
Most of the people I know, but some I don’t, and those are the people I have an issue with.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, requesting your personal space is your own is a very normal and reasonable request. Your mum is the jerk for putting you in a position to even have to ask.
Also, her making you, a 13-year-old, pay for your own haircuts… this mixed with the complete lack of respecting your personal space/boundaries speaks to your home environment being bad even if you don’t yet realize it. You need to speak up to your grandmother or another trusted adult in your life.
One that isn’t friends with her, so more likely to be unbiased and just look out for your best interests.
ETA: Now I see you responded to another comment the fact you pay for your haircuts is due to your parents wanting you to grow yours out.
Even long hair needs regular trims. I’ve had pixie cuts and hair nearly to my butt (no extensions), and both required the same amount of trims, with long hair costing more to cut and requiring more products to maintain. This is them being manipulative and controlling.” edi_kitteh
Another User Comments:
“They’re 13, inebriated adult strangers are being allowed in their bed, they’re being made to clean up after said inebriated adults despite having nothing to do with the mess, they’re 13 and have been paying for their own haircuts for years because otherwise, they’re spoiled… if you can’t see the warning flags here I’m concerned. I’m not saying it’s definitely mistreatment, but it’s definitely not a good environment, and that’s the entire point of CPS.
They won’t take children away for something like this, but they will ensure the environment is healthy and stable.” charley_warlzz
Another User Comments:
“Ugh. I lived with a burner once, worst roommate ever. This sounds like something she would do. I suggest sitting down with your mom and laying it out point-blank for her.
Let her know this is your boundary and you really hope she can respect you enough to honor that. Not wanting random people misbehaving and doing things they shouldn’t in your bedroom (blunt but true sorry, at least with all the burning man folx I’ve met), leaving it a mess, and having access to your things- not unreasonable.
If she is unwilling to respect your boundaries, maybe ask if she would be willing to help you find a more permanent living situation outside her home. Perhaps with your grandparents or if you have another parent/close relative. I bet she’d hear that.
But, be calm and genuine so she knows you’re being serious.” BananaLemonLime
14. AITJ For Refusing To Do Laundry At An Airbnb Because I'm Paying Cleaning Fees?
“I am currently staying the weekend in an Airbnb when I got a friendly reminder from the host of my checkout time. His message is then followed up by asking that I clean my dishes and run the laundry for all the towels I’ve used.
I explained that I’m more than happy to wash my dishes but washing my towels seems a bit ridiculous of an ask. I know it’s not a terribly difficult thing to do but I felt especially annoyed because I’m paying cleaning fees of $40 a night.
I’ll admit I was a bit passive-aggressive in my message but am I being a jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“I worked as a cleaner for Airbnb properties. The laundry is not the business of guests and no way would I trust them enough to do it correctly that I’d put any of it out for the next guests.
Dishes are a different story, I feel like that’s a fair ask. The best guests I had cleaned their dishes, stripped their beds, and put their trash in the bins outside. The worst ones left half their Christmas dinner sitting in the oven and only left on January 6th.
Since the cleaner usually gets the set fee instead of being paid by the hour, that is not fun. I feel like there’s a happy medium between those two extremes. You’re NTJ for not putting on a wash, you’re on holiday. Just don’t leave a warzone behind.” CopingMole
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Former housekeeper here! In my experience, the standard cleaning fee is anywhere from $55 for a studio, up to $200 for a 5-bedroom, and is primarily used to pay the housekeeper to remove all traces of humanity from the property. Due to the fact that we generally had to clean several properties back to back to back with only a 5-hour window between check-out and check-in, we asked that the guests start the processes that take the longest to complete; dishwasher and a load of towels (but not dry, fold, or put anything away), just as a favor to help us be more efficient cleaners, not as a requirement of the contract.
90% of people didn’t mind at all, but some people feel like it defeats the purpose of their pre-paid relaxation time, and I suppose that’s understandable.
As long as you don’t leave a huge mess (dried food on the plates on the table, towels soaked in strawberry margarita in a moldering pile on the floor), it’s technically covered under the cleaning fee.
I say technically because I liked having help! It allowed me more time to get the standard cleaning done as well as all the little extras that we had to rotate weekly, (like deep cleaning the refrigerator, sweeping crumbs out from under the liners of the kitchen drawers, cleaning all of the glass and windows, organizing closets and extra linens).
I felt better knowing that my quality of work was more complete. Now as a sympathetic guest, upon checkout, I strip the bed and leave it in a pile on the bedroom floor, start towels, start dishes, consolidate trash, and leave a small tip. Not because I feel like I have to, but because I know it’ll make the day of whoever cleans the unit.
Kindness has saved me more times than I can count.” CalmBeneathCastles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I just stayed in an Airbnb that had the same rules. 10 am checkout, clean all the dishes and put them away, strip the beds, laundry, etc. While it’s not a big deal to do that, it’s the cleaning fee that bothers me.
Why charge a large cleaning fee and then ask us to do most of the laundry?” Fairyluna21
13. AITJ For Celebrating My Son's Birthday Without Him After He Said He Didn't Want To Celebrate?
“I (51F) have one son, I’ll call him Dave for now. Dave is from my previous marriage. My ex-husband and I broke up because we were young and inexperienced. Either way after a long period of not talking at all we slowly repaired our relationship and remained friendly for Dave’s sake.
Both my ex-husband and I are remarried. And as odd as it sounds – we all get along. Me, my ex-husband, his wife, and my husband. They also have two more kids now and I regularly give the older one guitar lessons.
Dave moved away after deciding to go to Uni when he was 19, and after graduating he decided to continue living further away from us.
We still keep in contact – but I’d say I see him a lot less often than I see my ex-husband’s children.
Dave’s birthday is on the 26th of December and up until he was 22 we usually got together and celebrated at my house.
When he turned 22 – he had a bad allergic reaction to something and the evening was pretty much over – after that, he had no interest in celebrating with us again. And for this year he announced as well that he’s not going to celebrate his birthday.
Even though it is more significant since he’s turning 25.
I still am getting him a present and all but I respect that he wishes to spend his day alone or with friends. He then asked me what I would’ve planned for that day since it was still a holiday and I explained that his dad and his new wife would be coming over with the kids and we would have a little get-together.
I joked that we would be drinking champagne in his name and maybe even bake a cake. He didn’t take that well. He didn’t yell or get loud on the phone but I could hear him mumble something along the lines of “of course you are” and then audibly just say, “okay, have fun, Mom.”
That was two weeks ago. I haven’t heard from him since and going this long without contact from him is weird, even if it is just a text or a phone call. Every time I tried to call him it went to voice message and it auto replies with “I’m busy”.
His dad hasn’t heard anything either but their relationship has been strained for a while. He hasn’t texted his siblings either. I don’t see how I’m in the wrong here since he openly stated he didn’t want to celebrate his birthday.
But I would like to hear some opinions.”
Another User Comments:
“The OP posted a comment that explains everything. The son is severely allergic to dogs. When he left home, the OP and step family got dogs. For the son’s 22nd birthday, OP put the dogs away, did a deep clean, and set up air purifiers.
But then OP and spouse got tipsy and didn’t control their kids from letting out the dogs. The son was physically ill and OP didn’t even notice that he drove away. Mystery solved. The new family has pushed him out, emotionally and with the dogs, and his own mother didn’t stop it.” LTK622
Another User Comments:
“YTJ with the little context from your post and comments. Your son is allergic to dogs, you have 2, he had a reaction as a result, and you question why he is creating distance. Did you consider ever getting dogs that were hypoallergenic?
Did you ever address your son’s feelings? Seems there could be more context to the half-siblings. Some undisclosed animosity for thousands of reasons children of divorce have but also the new dynamics of your involvement regularly in their lives. The fact you know the father-son relationship shop is strained leads me to believe your son’s feelings have been overlooked. It is great you love him, but you need to actually communicate and act as such.
It’s very likely your joke was the exact opposite of funny but fed into all of his issues.” Bright_Command_6549
Another User Comments:
“YTJ!!!! The way you’re trickling out info that makes that abundantly clear in the comments tells me you KNOW you’re a jerk and refuse to admit it so you get a better judgment.
1 – you don’t give your son real birthday parties or celebrate him in any meaningful way. You give him leftover Christmas food and cake at home with maybe a movie or a board game. That’s pathetic as far as a birthday goes. And 2 you know exactly what you did wrong with his allergies and refuse to admit it.
You let your ex-husband’s kids ruin his birthday by giving him an allergy attack and didn’t even notice he left?? I bet those kids weren’t even punished for ruining the party but you’d have to have been sober to care I guess.
Don’t even get me started on why you got not one but TWO animals your son who is allergic will be forced to be around, since you didn’t consider his needs when he does visit and don’t take proper precautions for him.
With a mom like you I wouldn’t be coming home either!” pvssyliqvor
12. AITJ For Not Making Effort For My Unloving Grandmother's Birthday?
“My grandmother turned 70 two weeks ago. Her kids had a birthday party for her and they got the whole family together to celebrate her.
I (16f) didn’t make any effort for this. My parents got the card and gift on my behalf and I just signed my name in the card. That was all. My mom tried encouraging me to do more but I had no love or anything to share.
At the party when she was opening stuff up I was asked what I got her and I tried to play it off as a wait-and-see because I didn’t know what my parents got, but someone said surely I could give a hint and I just said it would be something she should like.
It ended up being something she didn’t like and it caused a lot of controversy and then people figured out that I hadn’t chosen it as a gift and my parents did. Which opened up a mess.
The reason I didn’t make an effort for her is because I mean nothing to her and she expresses it every time our family gets together, which is frequently, and I’m not going to care more than she does.
My grandma was one of those boy moms you know about today. She had five kids, four were boys, my mom, the youngest, was the only girl. I’m also the only granddaughter. She has all grandsons except for me and I’m my parents’ only child.
Grandma still loves on her sons and is always slipping them money and nice gifts. Mom gets nothing. With the grandkids? It shows even worse. She will cuddle with, have the boys on her lap, will take them for ice cream, and drop lots of money on gifts and not just for birthdays/Christmas but just because.
She tells them she loves them every time. Kisses them on the cheek. All that kind of thing.
She has never kissed me, she has never said she loves me, she has never welcomed me into her space for a hug or to sit on her lap.
I saw a home video once where they wanted a photo of her and all her grandkids. I was the youngest at the time and a baby. She refused to hold me for the photo and said she wanted the two youngest boys at the time in her arms/on her lap instead.
Even made a comment “you can just take her out completely”. We did a repeat a few years later that I can remember and I’m the only one who didn’t get a turn being hugged or next to her. If I’m lucky I get some kiddy books at Christmas.
Like bargain books that you’d get for a couple of dollars each. She never sends me anything for my birthday or even remembers. She never gave me a just-because gift. Half the time she doesn’t even remember my name. She has no sweet nickname for me.
My cousins are all “lovey” and I’m not. Oh, and the other thing is she always saves a seat next to her for grandkids to take turns sitting next to her. I never had a turn and was turned away when I tried to sit with her before.
Even though all of this is open, it’s known, and nobody would deny it, I was called out for not putting an effort in. Even Mom complained to me on the way home and for a couple of days after.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you reap what you sow, and grandma sowed discord and apathy.
No one can force you to love someone, even if they are related to you. They can however force you to be in her company, at least for the next two years, and when you are an adult you can toss the old lady the deuces and never see her again.
When you get called out you can politely say you are giving back exactly what you got, you are mirroring dear old grandma’s actions. I am sorry this is happening and that your mom is allowing herself and you to be subjected to this kind of hatred.” Chilling_Storm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I had a grandmother I didn’t like either and I put zero effort into ever having a relationship with her. She disliked my dad with a passion and in turn me too I think. She was close with all my younger cousins and they say how much they miss her and rave about memories with her but all I can think is thank goodness that witch is gone.
My dad and I now have a running joke 30 years later when we send each other birthday cards or whatever we ask if there’s a check in there and if so, is it post-dated? She would give me post-dated checks for birthdays when I was younger or then tell my parents not to cash them because she gambles.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“Wow. Your family is pretty awful. Your grandmother is a mean-spirited witch and your mother has allowed herself and you to be treated like doormats. None of this is your fault. Don’t let your parents or family treat you like nothing and not expect the same back.” DVGower
11. AITJ For Not Scooching Down At A Broadway Show When Asked?
“This summer, I saw a play on Broadway. This was not my first theater experience.
I have been to a few shows before, and I have an ever-growing bucket list of shows that I want to go see. Knowing this, I felt like I had a good understanding of what the proper theater etiquette should be.
I went with my family, and whenever we go to a show, we always look for the cheapest tickets we can get.
Usually, what this means for us is sitting in either the last or second to last row in the highest level of seating (I think it’s sometimes called the balcony or something??) and usually being to the far right or left. I have always gone into a show knowing that my view was likely going to be at least somewhat obstructed, and I have no issue with this.
Being 5’1 certainly doesn’t help things when most people in front of me will be taller. Because of this, whenever I go to a show, I usually sit straight up at 90 degrees in my seat so that I have the best shot at seeing all that I can.
That being said, I do my best to be mindful of others, my butt stays in the seat, and I don’t wiggle around for the best view. I’m just stretching out my spine to full height rather than reclining back.
We were at the show, and I was sitting there like I normally do, enjoying the show.
Unfortunately, I had a rather tall person in front of me that day, but there was nothing I could do about that, so even sitting with a perfect posture, I could only see the far back and left and a bit of the far right of the stage.
Still, I was having a great time. About halfway through the first act, I felt somebody grab my shoulder and pull me back. It was the couple sitting behind me. One of them told me in a louder voice than they probably should have used in a theater that I needed to “scooch down and sit back because we can’t see the full stage.” (this is to the best of my memory) I was a bit taken aback by this because I was thinking yeah, obviously you can’t see the full stage; none of us can what makes you so special that you think you deserve the full stage more than anybody else sitting here?
And hey, at least you’re both taller than me, so you probably have a better view than I do. I did not say that out loud. I know that would be rude, but I honestly did not know what to do.
Sitting back, I could only see a bit of the left side of the stage and then the ceiling.
Luckily, I was sitting by my mom, who would not let me sit back up again because she did not want to start a fight. However, she did let me lay sideways on her lap so that I could look between the seat cracks and sort of get a better view of the stage.
It was very uncomfortable to sit like that for the rest of the show.
Everything was fine because, in the end, I’m not that picky, and I honestly just love to be there experiencing the show despite difficulties. Still, I feel that it was unfair to be forced to do that, and so now I’m wondering WIBTJ if I had simply told them no and sat back up.”
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ. I’m 5’4 and I accepted long ago that someone taller than me may be blocking my view, even if I take aisle seats (I usually pick seats in the orchestra section). That’s a risk I am willing to take even though it does suck being stuck behind someone tall.
I am lucky enough that it has not happened to me for the 3 Broadway shows I’ve seen, but it did happen a few times at hockey games when a good chunk of the ice was blocked and I missed good plays. Maybe this will be an unpopular take, but the person being mad at you and forcing you to sit uncomfortably for a long period of time is a jerk.
That person chose their seats, if they wanted to be sure to have a clear view, they had to pay the money to have the best seats.” OmegaSupreme76
Another User Comments:
“I’m your height and I sit on my foot a lot. Half because it’s comfy and half because it makes me a little taller.
I’ve come to appreciate that people film concerts on their phones because it’s frequently the only way I can see anything anymore – the days of people letting you inch forward so you can see are gone (I’m not trying to sound entitled, it’s just frustrating to pay for tickets and be met with a wall of 6’+ backs).
I’ll often give up and just go hang out with the bouncers these days. At least I usually get to see some sort of show that way.” sparklestarshine
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As someone who frequents Broadway/Broadway touring shows a lot, having your view obstructed sometimes is just part of the experience/part of the gamble, especially if you buy seats in the upper balcony (I jokingly call them the nosebleeds) or back orchestra.
What is never a part of the experience is being grabbed and harassed by a fellow audience member for sitting in your seat. If this ever happens again, flag down an usher. They will defuse the situation/seat you or them in a different spot.” jmt0429
10. AITJ For Asking My Grieving Sister To Pay Back A Loan?
“On October 1st, I (35M) lent my sister (27F) 2500 dollars for her dog’s vet bills.
She promised to pay me back on November 1st. She said she would have the money on that date. I have this in writing via text. I’ve never lent my sister money before and I generally trust her. I didn’t care for her dog, but she loved it.
It ended up passing on Oct 15th. She was devastated. I gave her my condolences and went about my life. On Nov 1st, I asked her to Venmo me the 2500. She blows up on me asking how I could ask her for money when she is still grieving.
She says it’s only been 2 weeks since the dog died and she isn’t ready to move on. I told her I’m not telling you to move on, I’m telling you to pay me what I’m owed. I asked if she is saying she is not paying me back.
She called me a jerk and hung up. I texted her a screenshot of her agreeing to the 11/1 date. She ignored me.
I can live without getting the 2500 back with no material effect on my life, but also 2500 is not an insignificant amount. In talking with our mom, the vet bill was over 7 grand and it didn’t save her dog’s life.
I found out my mom gifted her 2 grand to help out. I have no idea what my sister’s finances are like, but I’m guessing they are not good. She is now 7 days late and I haven’t seen a dime. We’ve had several arguments and this has really deteriorated our relationship.
Essentially she is calling me an unsympathetic jerk. But am I?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is why I don’t lend money to family. She agreed to a date and needs to stick to it or ask for a different date/arrange for a payment plan if need be.
With you having it in text, you can take her to small claims court, but that is going to ruin your relationship with her completely. Be prepared not to see that money again and take it as a lesson learned not to lend her money again.
I might come at this with something like “I understand the grief you’re going through with the loss of “dog’s name”, and you have my deepest condolences. We agreed the money I lent you was just that, a loan. I need you to work with me to pay this back.
What would be a reasonable timeframe for you to repay this? Would setting up a payment plan be something we could set up instead of a lump sum?”” Discount_Mithral
Another User Comments:
“Oh dear, it sounds like she may have been in a desperate situation hoping to save her dog and possibly over-promised how soon/if she could repay and overstretched herself financially.
Whilst you have every right to ask for the money back on the day promised, you could have handled it with more compassion for your sister’s loss. She of course could have handled it all with more transparency. And now it sounds like emotions are currently running high.
Could it perhaps be a solution to speak again with a bit of distance and arrange a repayment plan that you could also live with financially? I think perhaps there’s currently No jerks here, depending on how this gets handled moving forward.” Arc-en-ciel-x2
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, sorry to say. Yes, you’re unsympathetic. You needed to handle this a LOT more gently, and with more faith. Messaging her as soon as it was due was the wrong way to go UNLESS you absolutely needed it back right then and then you say something along the lines of “I’m so sorry to ask, but I can’t pay my rent unless I get the money now”.
You should have given her a couple of days to see if she would take care of it and reach out first about it and only come to her if she didn’t. She lashed out and that sucks. But now, knowing that she is extremely upset, instead of saying something like “I know things are tough for you right now, I’m sorry I didn’t understand how upset you are, why don’t we just rearrange for Dec 1st”, you are doubling down EVERY DAY about it.
Is she wrong for not keeping the agreement and paying you back when she said she would? Probably, and she’s definitely handling it wrong. But you are botching the general humanity side of this.” animaniactoo
9. AITJ For Wanting To Share The Living Room Space For Work With My Partner?
“I’m (30F) at my wit’s end because my partner (34M) dominates the use of the living room, where he has his desk set up for work. We live in a two-room apartment in Paris that is 35m2. We both work from home and from the beginning he claimed a large portion of the living room by buying a large glass desk that takes up much of the room.
He gives French language classes online. On days like today, he had four classes going on. When he’s on a call I can’t walk into his screen, therefore I’m limited to the bathroom and bedroom.
I understand that he’s busy and stressed, but I also work full-time and need to be able to come into the living area/kitchen when he’s working.
To have lunch, make myself a warm drink, and just generally take intermittent breaks from working.
My desk is significantly smaller and in the bedroom. One could argue that I need more space for my job than his since I’m a data analyst and often working on two screens is imperative.
I have a second screen but can’t get a larger one that would be more efficient due to the bedroom space constraints. He has a nice, big screen that he got for himself, which he uses for music production. He often uses it between working hours too so I don’t really have any opportunity to use it.
This arrangement is causing me significant distress, but when I ask him to take calls from the bedroom he hardly agrees and if I push firmly, like I did today, he gets upset, throws a mini tantrum before agreeing (often using words like “shut up okay I’m going”).
As one might imagine, I ask less and less for fear of disrupting the household’s peace.
I thought this would get better since we discussed this issue at large over the summer, and occasionally since he has agreed to work in the bedroom for individual calls, but it’s still far from the equality I’m expecting out of this relationship.
Is it reasonable for me to demand we split days 50/50, even though he technically bought the desk and screen in the living room? Should I try and impose a rule like: all calls are taken from the bedroom unless we have calls at the same time?
Final note — the living room/kitchen is more spacious and has nice lighting and the sound of birds out the window, whereas the bedroom is smaller, has poorer WiFi connection, faces a small courtyard, captures noise from the street, poorer light, same place as where we sleep, no access to facilities for snacks and drinks, etc.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think you both understand the bedroom sucks for work, and both want to use the living room. As I see it, you need to sit down, communicate as clearly as you have here, and come to a compromise you can both live with because this is affecting your living situation and your relationship.
I would suggest reviewing these options: A set schedule of who gets to use the living room for work. If your partner says he paid for it, maybe that means 3/5 days are his and 2/5 days are yours, or you could pay half of the costs he incurred to set up that workstation so that you have equal access.
Agree on specific tasks that should be done in the bedroom (I.e. calls) so that use of the living room is maintained as your primary living space. Look into a new apartment. The current 2-room space just doesn’t work for you. If you want your partner to take this option seriously, I’d do some research before your talk and see what is available in your area that you could afford that gives a designated workspace away from your living space.
Good luck, OP!” rasalscan
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But can you ask him to turn the desk monitor so that they see the wall behind him when you need to take a break? I mean trading rooms randomly seems fair, however, if he is giving 1-1 lessons and he could lose service and the noise could cause issues, that might disrupt his teaching flow.
I would think rearranging the desk so that you can not see the kitchen and walking area might be easier for all.” MrsNobodyspecial67
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He seems selfish and needs to better share. Also in the office people work near each other. Is there room to both work in the main living space and just take calls in the room so you can both share that better environment?
As for your workspace in your room, have you considered desk-mounted monitor arms? This might allow your laptop + 2 24″ screens on a small desk because the monitor stand will no longer take desk space. Amazon has a bunch that fit two monitors for $50 or whatever and they’re fine.
You might even be able to fit two 27″ depending on your desk. Additionally, if you use a dedicated keyboard and don’t need numpad keys for your work (though I presume you do), there are plenty of smaller keyboards that omit these keys. But there are also nice compact but comfortable keyboards that still include them.
Your partner has to share but I feel like a lot of people don’t consider some of the nice upgrade options for workspaces out there so figured I’d mention. Good luck!” forsayken
8. AITJ For Accidentally Insulting The Delivery Driver?
“I had a strange delivery experience today. I live on the second floor, and instead of coming up, the driver called me from his van.
He acted like he didn’t understand that I could buzz him in or didn’t seem to understand English. Meanwhile, I’m trying to find my shoes, and in my rush to get downstairs, I trip at the doorway. It actually hurt, so I muttered “Holy F” while still on the phone with him, and he immediately hung up on me.
When I finally get downstairs, there he is, standing by the door he said he couldn’t get through, somehow having managed to open it. I asked, “What was the issue with the door?” since he clearly got it open by himself. His response was, “Did you just tell me to go screw myself?”
I was surprised and tried to explain what happened, but he insisted I’d insulted him. He wouldn’t give me the package until I gave him a fist bump, which felt awkward. This driver delivers here often, and each time there’s been some kind of issue, so I’m not sure what to make of it.”
Another User Comments:
“This guy sounds like a weirdo and I wouldn’t want any interaction with him! Clearly, he can get inside to deliver the packages. If he delivers there regularly, what does he do all the other times? Sounds like he is purposely trying to interact with you.
Does he do this sort of thing with other residents? If not, I’d be a little worried he likes you and this is his way of being able to interact with you. It sounds really creepy!” OneWhisper5225
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it was an honest mistake.
He should have been understanding about what had happened. On another note, the guy is weird, ignoring the fact he had you come down for the package, being unwilling to give it to you until you gave him a fist bump is creepy in its own way.” Asleep-Squirrel-7977
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, that is certainly weird behavior. Someone suggested seeing if he’s done this to other residents, cause it does sound like he’s trying to get you in front of him to interact with you specifically, especially if he delivers often – he should know how to operate the door… whatever his reasoning, something seems..
odd about him.” WeirdBrain98
7. AITJ For Showing My Partner's Family A Video Of My Parents' Gender Reveal Party?
“4 years ago my (16M) parents found out they were expecting a girl. Even though stuff was all closed and we were meant to stay home, they threw a huge gender reveal because they had always wanted a girl and wanted to celebrate the fact they were getting a girl with everyone they knew.
My parents took a video of their reaction and one they posted to their socials at the time. It was of them screaming and crying and cheering that they had their dream come true, getting the child they always dreamed of, the daughter they had always wanted, and how they couldn’t wait to be parents.
The video got taken down after mom’s sister told her she had no idea how lucky she was to have a healthy child and went no contact with my parents (she and her husband had fertility trouble and couldn’t have kids).
But I knew from a really early age I disappointed my parents by being a boy.
Looking at photos and videos of them before me vs after me, you can see the joy fade. They were told I was a girl. Had clothes, a nursery, and everything set up for a girl. They even had a name picked out for girl me.
Then I was born a boy. The only “family photos” of us I have is from the first couple of weeks of my life. They never bothered to take any with me afterward. There are photos of us with extended family but like just me and them over the 12 years of my life?
Nah. And even now they have so many taken with the girl of their dreams they finally had but I’m not in any of them. I also found out through extended family that another family member named me because they didn’t want to think of boys’ names they were so disappointed.
I basically live with them as a distant roommate. We don’t eat together or do anything together. Mostly that works for me. My partner (16) was my best friend before we started going out and his family was always more like my family.
I was at his grandparents’ house to celebrate their wedding anniversary with the family and talk of my parents came up and everyone kinda knows how terrible they are but not really.
So I told them about the video and some of my partner’s family were struggling to believe they’d post it. I showed them a screenshot I had of the video on my mom’s account and then showed the video. They were really upset by the reaction.
Everyone said it was like they were first-time parents and his grandma got kinda teary thinking of me being there at the time watching it.
My parents found out because my partner’s mom basically told my mom how awful she was. My parents said I had no business showing anyone and wanted to know why I even had it.
I told them I keep it in case I need to remember how they really feel about me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I wish your partner’s mom had kept her mouth shut because she pretty much just made things worse for you, in a way, but ultimately your parents are massive jerks, to the point the term jerk doesn’t even feel applicable.
It’s always interesting when people get mad over their own actions, you know? They, as adults, set up that entire situation, filmed it, posted it. They said the things they did in that video. They have spent the last 16 years of your life treating you like an unwelcome stranger.
And…. they’re mad that someone saw this and called them out for it? They obviously are not actually reflecting on their actions or words or their impact, they are just stuck in a victim mindset. Keep your head down and move out as soon as you’re able.
None of this is your fault. You don’t owe them discretion by keeping this video or your feelings about them a secret.” owls_and_cardinals
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Darn, that is terrible. I was happy for all of my kids. Both boys and both girls and both stepdaughters.
Your parents suck. I’m sorry they treated you like that. But, they are finding out that they suck and don’t like it. They are literally the bad guys and don’t want to be reminded of it. I’m sorry they treat you that way. I’m just a random internet dad, but I’m proud of you.
You keep a good head on your shoulders and you’ll do great. Now go buy your partner some flowers or Lego or whatever cool stuff he likes to show him some love!” Inner-Nothing7779
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She posted it on social media and only took it down because her behavior was called out publicly by her sister.
And before that, who knows how many people in attendance or those who saw it that weren’t invited/didn’t attend thought what your partner’s mum said to her too. It’s one thing to have gender disappointment (which I personally don’t get), but to take it out on the child for simply existing in that gender honestly makes me so angry.
I’m glad you have your partner’s family and extended family who love you for you, not what your parents wanted you to be.” maleficentwasright
6. AITJ For Not Letting My Younger Sister Play My Expensive Oboe?
“I (16F) play clarinet and oboe. Last night I was practicing oboe downstairs with my sister and father. My sister kept asking if she could play too, to which both me and my father said no because it’s a $3000 instrument and I really don’t want her to break it.
We kept telling her no, and eventually, she started crying and screaming because she really wanted to play too.
My mom heard this and came downstairs asking what was wrong. When we told her, my mom told me to just let her hold it. I told her I wouldn’t do that because it’s an expensive instrument and she wouldn’t be able to make a sound anyway.
My mom insisted that I let her hold it to get her to shut up but I stood my ground and refused. Then my mom said I was being selfish and it wouldn’t hurt to just let my sister touch it. I ended up leaving and going to my room after that.
My dad, who originally agreed with me, came into my room a few minutes later and said he understood why I didn’t want her to but that I should’ve just let her get her way so she stopped crying. I love my sister to death but I really just do not want to risk her breaking it.
I also don’t get why my parents don’t understand why I don’t want her touching it. But maybe I’m being dramatic, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but a good compromise could be getting her a recorder, or letting her mess around with a reed that’s already on the way out.
I’m all for encouraging musical stuff, I started at 7 and all my little siblings started at around 4/5 years old, but hoooo boy get them a beginner instrument my little sister wanted to learn the flute, so we started her on the recorder and the piccolo because she was too small for a flute.
Now she’s grade 5 on the flute and grade 4 on piano. My little brother started out with a rented cello, and ended up quitting within a year – no money wasted! Good experience for him, helped expand his mind, but wasn’t a big hole on an instrument we had no use for after that year.
14 years later I still play piano, but when I wanted to try oboe we rented – I didn’t like it, so I got to grade 3 after a year and quit, no sweat. With piano, we already had one at home, but when I wanted a keyboard in my room my parents got me a really bad one because they weren’t convinced I’d actually use it/practice.
After a couple of years, they got me a much better one, which I took with me when I moved out.” ama_throw123
Another User Comments:
“As the mom of a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old – NTJ. So what? She’s crying so that means she gets whatever she wants?
My kid cries when I don’t let her eat her crayons. She needs to learn to hear the word no. OP’s personal things are hers to control. OP said no, the answer is no. Sister cries, well that is developmentally appropriate. It’s hard to be told no and kept from things you want.
She doesn’t have the tools to handle it any other way. We as parents need to help them gain the tools. Your mother should have reinforced your no and said “sister, I know it’s hard to not get what you want but when the answer is no we have to accept that.
Maybe one day when you’re a big girl you can play a pretty instrument just like OP! For now, let’s play (insert toy instrument here)! How lovely does that sound!” 2-year-olds are mostly flighty and distractable. She’ll be over it as soon as something else shiny comes across her path.” Exciting-Froyo3825
Another User Comments:
“If you let her hold the oboe and she bends the keys, you and your parents will be liable for the damage. And she will expect to be allowed to hold it again and again. Do they let her touch the hot stove when she pitches a fit?
Get near the edge of a cliff when she pitches a fit? This is no different. Not age-appropriate. As a compromise, I would suggest to your parents that you get a weighted keyboard and if she’s interested in music, she can play on that, and when she’s a little older, she can start lessons.” dragonsandvamps
5. AITJ For Choosing To Spend Christmas With My Husband's Family In Europe Instead Of My Parents?
“My husband (34F) is from Europe, hardly ever sees his family and because of immigration has only just now been able to travel back home after being stuck in the U.S.
for 4 years. He is extremely close with his family, so going 4 years without seeing them was destroying him in every way. We also have a daughter (2yrs) and of course want her to be close with cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.
Last year was the first year he could go back home after 4 years so we left for Europe and stayed for 3 weeks over Christmas/New Year’s.
It was absolutely incredible and seeing him in his hometown, with his family, was something I’ll never forget. He was himself, he was home.
Now we live 30 minutes away from my parents, so they see us at least once a week. My mom and husband have not gotten along for a year now due to her emotional immaturity and lack of accountability.
There’s so much to unpack there but I’ll just try to simplify, she is a recovering “functional” (whatever that means) heavy drinker. She gets weird sometimes and emotionally aggressive and my dad just follows along. It’s ridiculous and too long to explain but I hope you get the idea.
Now we plan to go back to Europe again over Christmas to see his family because he has a huge family and that’s the time of year when everyone can be together. My mom found out about this a month ago and has been absolutely angry and is taking it as I’m choosing them over her, and she feels it’s unfair to miss another Christmas with us again.
I’m feeling torn, but I’m also feeling agitated that my parents can’t be even a little excited that I get to experience these new and exciting things.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Your mother sees you regularly, most of the year – which includes holidays other than Christmas!
She doesn’t really have much grounds to complain that you’re at your in-laws’ place for the second Christmas in a row! Especially not when your husband missed his family for four years in a row, year-round. Maybe you can’t expect your parents to be excited about your trips to Europe – their feelings are outside your control – but you also needn’t let their lack of interest spoil your excitement for and pleasure in these trips.
Just respond briefly to each complaint, and move on or change the subject to “We’ve made our Christmas plans, and won’t be changing them.” NTJ.” SavingsRhubarb8746
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Maybe could be handled better, but NTJ. We have always lived near my wife’s family, and my family was about 4-5 hours drive away.
We alternated who we spent Christmas with. If your mother can discuss rationally there are a couple of things you might consider. Your family has all the holidays through the year, and Thanksgiving. Christmas Day is actually the first of the 12 days of Christmas. When are you returning?
Would your family be willing to do a Christmas meal on another of the 12 days?” Dorzack
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I moved halfway across the country 1200 miles away from my family. When I moved here to be with my partner I told him I would always go home to see my family over Christmas I have adult children that are in my home state.
We see his adult children that live in his home state where we reside all the time at least 3-4 times a month if not more often. So far this month it’s been every weekend. I’m close to his kids and grandkids they call me grandma.
His kids understand completely and we celebrate Christmas a different day. I just choose to go home because it’s a difficult time of year for me and my sister and my kids so I go to support them and to remember my mother it was her favorite time of year.” Soft_Location_9088
4. AITJ For Not Telling My Unemployed Friend About A Job Opportunity I Was Headhunted For?
“I (30f) and Beth (34f) met at work 2.5 years ago.
Last year, Beth got fired due to downsizing in the company, and since then couldn’t find a new job. She’s looking not only to find a new job but a better role as a manager, that on paper she has the skills for.
About 2 months ago, I was approached by someone I know and sort of got headhunted for a discreet role in a different company, a better title, a better salary, and basically what Beth looked for this past year.
I got recruited, and on my last day of work, I posted on my Instagram story that I quit.
Beth saw the story and texted me about it, asking me why I quit, asked about the new company and the new job, and instead of congratulating me, she told me I wasn’t a good friend.
Basically, she said I should have told her about this role because I knew this is exactly what she was looking for, and she needed to have it because she’s unemployed for a year, I didn’t even look for a new job and I should have passed on the opportunity and gave them her name instead.
Later, I told my other friends from work about the conversation I had with Beth and they told me that they get where she’s coming from.
I know I didn’t NEED a new job, but is it my fault I wanted to get ahead and didn’t think about her?
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Every man or woman out for themselves in the world of moving up the ladder in jobs and pay increases. You were sought out for this particular job, and it meant a better situation for yourself. You absolutely had NO reason to step back and miss out on an opportunity so she could have it, instead!
What makes her think they would even hire her, just because it’s what SHE wants it? In that case, you’d have passed up a great opportunity for nothing, and they wouldn’t offer the position to you again. She is being selfish in believing you should have sacrificed an opportunity because you already had a job and she needed one.
Refuse to let her guilt you into anything, and don’t even discuss the situation with other friends, as that solves nothing. You did nothing wrong, as it’s not like you sabotaged her attempts at getting this job. You need to take care of your own life and do what makes you happy.
You need not be a martyr for Beth.” Aggressive_Cattle320
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They recruited you, not Beth. You mentioned this happened discreetly, which to me sounds like they only wanted to look at a small pool of hand-selected/specifically referred candidates. Had you passed the opportunity on to Beth, you likely would have torpedoed both of your chances, because one, they weren’t interested in Beth, and two, you’d have proven that they couldn’t rely on your discretion if hired. Unfortunately, it sounds like Beth is jealous because she’s approached her job hunt in a way that has likely shot her in the foot.
She’s set herself up for failure by being too picky. While she might be qualified on paper, she’s experiencing an age-old reality of the job market – it is infinitely easier to find a new job while you are employed than to find one while unemployed. She’s now got a year-long gap on her resume that will lead any potential employer to question what was so wrong with her as a candidate that she couldn’t find employment for an entire year.
That’s a big red flag that will now hold her back. If you even want to still be friends with her, she needs to be encouraged to take whatever opportunity she can find, and not hold out for a “higher up” position. She can look for that once she has employment.” AcceptableValue6027
Another User Comments:
“When I was a recruiter/head hunter, we sourced resumes from anywhere and everywhere (including recommendations). 1): If, for any reason, your résumé was flagged and went into the “special file” drawer, we would probably never call you for anything. Sounds to me like something along the same lines possibly happened to her.
She could have a rep as an inefficient worker. A blabbermouth. Or just being lazy… it could be anything. AND 2): If this was such a great company and they had positions that aligned with what she was looking for, why hadn’t she applied? Why hadn’t she been beating their door down for the year that she was out of work?
I don’t buy her nonsense for a second. Recruiting is a cutthroat business. We would strive to present our clients with the very best in talent. That’s why they hire us. The fact that you were discreetly and covertly headhunted tells me a lot about your skills.
The fact that she wasn’t, tells me about the lack of hers …she is full of nonsense. You are NTJ.” SummerStar62
3. AITJ For Kicking Out My Meddling Mother-In-Law From Our Nursery?
“I (26F) am currently 32 weeks pregnant with my and my husband Felix’s (27M) first child. Things have been going well and one of the great things is that Felix is a builder so everything with the nursery went pretty smoothly pretty fast! We agreed at the start what kind of vibe we wanted to go with it and it’s pretty much already done.
Figured that we’d get it sorted as soon as possible so it wasn’t another thing to worry about later.
My MIL has always been a bit of a nightmare but has been better since the news that I’m pregnant (though not without issue – for example, she told me that I should “lose some weight” and that it wasn’t “healthy” for me or the baby.
She knows that I used to struggle with anorexia and I’m not any sort of unhealthy weight). In the past, I’ve kept my mouth shut and let Felix deal with her. As the nursery has almost been completed, she’s suddenly decided to invite herself around more – I work from home currently, and she comes in on the regular, asks me when I’m going to have lunch, and “oh could you just pop me something in too!” and then will wander into the nursery and start rearranging things.
I know this sounds stupid but once she literally bought an IKEA bag full of stuff that she put in there. It doesn’t match. But I’ve never said anything really beyond, “Oh, thanks so much for the thought” etc. Yesterday when she came around uninvited, she looked me up and down and said “Really?
Joggers? Thank god Felix isn’t here” and then walked into the nursery and started asking me where the pillow she’d put in the crib had gone, why I’d taken out the fairy lights hanging on the wall right by it, etc. I explained that they were potential safety hazards to the future baby and that I’d taken them out.
She started with, “Oh, well, I’ve had three children” and “I really think you should take more of my advice” and then looked me in the eyes and said, “You’re really not going to be a good mother at this rate”. I don’t know if it was the pregnancy hormones but I just stared at her for a moment and then told her to get out of the house.
I’d been up all night and had loads of work and wasn’t in the mood. She got very uptight about it and then left.
Felix says he’s going to talk to her and tell her that she shouldn’t be reorganizing anything without our permission, but I don’t know if it was just the hormones and I’m being unreasonable.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Felix needs to put down a LOT more boundaries: no more popping by when he isn’t around. She has to ask him to come over and can only do so when he says yes and he is there. No more talk about your health or weight, EVER.
No redecorating or moving ANYTHING in your house. I’m sure there needs to be more. This is to get you started with him. He needs to protect you and your child.” Trick_Delivery4609
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Felix needs to shut this down like yesterday.
She’s being openly disrespectful to you. She can no longer come over uninvited. She needs to call and schedule a visit, like everyone else. Also, if she has a key to your home, change the locks. No more bringing unwanted items for the baby.
While you appreciate the thought, you and Felix want to prepare the baby’s room the way you want it. This is YOUR baby. She had a chance to decorate how she wanted with her kids and now it’s your turn. No more passive-aggressive comments to or about you.
If this isn’t shut down, she will continue this around your child. She will talk badly about you around/to your child. This is disrespectful to you and should immediately be stopped. Actions have consequences. If she breaks any boundary you and Felix have set, she won’t see the baby for X amount of time.
That could be days, weeks, months, or even a year, depending on how severe the boundary she broke was. You could even do it, 1st offense X days, 2nd X months, 3rd permanent. This is something you and Felix need to sit down now and talk about.
This blatant disrespect needs to stop and it needs to stop immediately. This can’t continue, if for no other reason than your mental health. She knows you have an ED and is deliberately using it against you. What is her end goal? For you to spiral so she can tell everyone you’re an unfit mother?
That sounds psychotic.” EnfysMae
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As a soon-to-be grandparent, with 4 grown children that I have raised. I am well aware that things have changed in terms of parenting and safe environments for babies. So, I am reading up on current parenting research, asking questions, and making notes of the parent’s preferences.
I will admit, that it takes a lot of self-discipline to not go ham and buy every baby item I come across. But I remember being the new mom and wanting things done a certain way. I intend to respect the new parent’s preferences as well.” Choice-Emphasis9048
2. AITJ For Wanting My Husband To Confront His Mom About Revealing Our Pregnancy News?
“I’m currently pregnant and wanted to keep it on the down-low for now. My first pregnancy ended in loss, and this one is a multiples pregnancy, so I’ve been really anxious and hesitant to share. My husband and I told his mom and other close family early on with the clear request to keep it private until we were ready to tell others.
We’re only just finishing the first trimester, and recently I received a text from a family acquaintance congratulating us—turns out they’d run into my MIL that morning, and she’d shared the news. This isn’t the first time she’s gone against our wishes.
Around six weeks, we learned she’d told an extended family member, even though we had specifically said we weren’t ready to make it public and wanted to tell people ourselves when we felt comfortable.
I feel hurt and frustrated that she’s not respecting our wishes.
I made it clear that I wasn’t ready for this to be public knowledge, especially given my anxiety surrounding this pregnancy. I think I have a right to decide who I tell and when especially with something so sensitive.
My husband is also frustrated by his mom’s actions and understands why this is so upsetting for me.
However, he’s hesitant to actually confront her about it. He feels that saying something would make her uncomfortable and potentially strain their relationship. He told me that if I feel strongly about it, I should be the one to address it with her directly.
I feel like this puts me in an awkward position because I want him to handle it, but he’s not willing to, despite knowing how much this is affecting me. AITJ for wanting him to step up and say something rather than having me handle it?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I would want my husband to be the one to speak to his mother, but I think it needs to be done together. Since your husband seems unwilling to talk to his mother, I think you should have a discussion with him as to how this works going forward.
As in, is she told nothing from now on until you’ve decided an appropriate amount of time has passed since she can’t be trusted? Does that include milestones when the children are older – first words, first steps, tryouts in school, etc? You do have a MIL problem and she needs to be on some type of an information diet, but you also have a husband problem.
He also has an issue with his mother’s actions but refuses to talk to her about it. Is he scared of her? Does everyone placate her?” TheWorldTurnsAround
Another User Comments:
“I’m sorry you’re having babies with a Baby Man who is more concerned about protecting mommy‘s feelings than yours.
This is only going to get worse. If he is unwilling to stand up for you, tell him from now on for the rest of your married life if you’re in charge of handling his mother, he’s not going to like how you go about it and he’s just gonna have to put up with it.
This is his chance to either handle her as a father and husband to you or you will handle her as an interfering self-centered lady and you will take it from there.” Straight_Coconut_317
Another User Comments:
“Your husband has a choice: Make his mum uncomfortable or make you uncomfortable.
I’m sorry he is too cowardly to make that choice but fundamentally that’s what it boils down to. You are both in agreement she did the wrong thing, so if he doesn’t actively support you (and no that doesn’t mean standing behind you while you speak up for yourself) then he is choosing her.
Time for him to have one short and uncomfortable conversation with his own mum now, rather than setting your family unit up for more trouble and more difficult conversations later. NTJ. As ever, you have a husband problem, not just a MIL one.” EssexCatWoman
1. AITJ For Telling My Husband To Stop "Helping" If He Can't Do Things Right?
“My husband (34M) and I (31F) have been together for eight years and married for five.
We both work full-time, so we’ve always split household chores. But here’s the thing: his version of “helping” is a nightmare.
For example, I’ll ask him to “help” with laundry. He’ll agree, but instead of sorting things like delicates or checking pockets, he just throws everything into the washer on one setting.
This has ruined clothes and stained things beyond repair. The same thing happens in the kitchen. He “helps” by making a mess while cooking, but he leaves everything piled up in the sink and somehow manages to dirty every dish and pan.
I’ve tried teaching him, suggesting easier ways, and even leaving little checklists, but he always says he “knows what he’s doing” and dismisses my advice.
I end up spending double the time either fixing what he did or doing things over from scratch. And whenever I bring it up, he says he’s “trying his best” or accuses me of being too picky and controlling.
This came to a head recently when he “helped” me by cleaning up our living room right before my friends came over.
I thought he’d done a great job—until one of my friends found my birth control pills in the junk drawer because he decided to “tidy” by throwing everything into random places. I was embarrassed, but when I told him, he laughed it off.
So, last night I told him I’m done with his “help” and would rather just do everything myself if he’s not willing to do things properly. He got upset, saying he’s just trying to make things easier for me and now I’m “criticizing him for helping.” Now he’s barely speaking to me, and I’m feeling conflicted.
AITJ for telling my husband to stop “helping” if he can’t do things right?”
Another User Comments:
“As others have said, this is weaponized incompetence. His goal was never to ‘help’ but to frustrate you to the point that you just do it yourself and he no longer is obligated to contribute.
There are a few ways to handle this, but my suggestion would be that since he wants to help ‘his way’, you let him handle things on his own. But only things that affect him. Don’t do his laundry. He refuses to separate things or wash them on the proper settings?
Then you wash your own clothes and he can sort out his laundry on his own. He dirties every pot and pan in the house when he makes dinner? Then you have separate meals that you are responsible for cooking and cleaning up after. He surely lived on his own at some point, correct?
What did he do when he was on his own— wear ruined and stained clothes, and wash every pot and pan every night after dinner? I bet he didn’t. He’s doing things like this now because he has you. When things start affecting him directly, and you aren’t coming in behind him to fix it, I bet he’ll stop being so helpless.” yeahlikewhatever
Another User Comments:
“OK, there are a few issues here. It sounds like you guys have a haphazard, we-all-do-it-all system. Why is he “helping” with this task and that task? Why aren’t the chores split and shared equal to the time available to each of you?
Phrasing it this way makes it sound as if these things are your responsibility, and he helps you. If he sucks at X, don’t have him do X. If he sucks at all of it, split the tasks so he has his best tasks as his own, and force him to figure it out.
It could also be weaponized incompetence, but that’s solved by leaving him to his tasks and letting him suffer the consequences. NTJ. Your frustration is normal, but your solution isn’t fixing anything in the end.” torgeaux42
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. For falling for it. Your husband is a 34-year-old man and should know how to do these tasks or at the very least be able to follow some instructions if he doesn’t.
Normally, I would say that criticizing someone’s genuine efforts to help is a jerk move, but at his age, his efforts don’t appear to be genuine. In fact, they seem glaringly disingenuous. Intentionally screwing up to make you get frustrated and stop asking him for help.
Don’t fall for it, and instead of being “done,” point out that you know what he’s trying to do and see what he says. I could be wrong, but I don’t know him. You do. Proceed accordingly.” Forward-Dingo1431
