People Ponder "Am I The Jerk?" In These Difficult Circumstances
16. AITJ For Announcing My Pregnancy On Social Media Knowing My Ex Is Struggling With Infertility?
“For context, my ex, Kevin (32M), and I have a child together that I put up for adoption when I was 22.
I did it largely because I didn’t want to have a child with Kevin. He had a really bad temper, he was pretty irresponsible, and neither of us had steady jobs at the time (I supported us through freelance writing, but being pregnant meant that I didn’t get many of the jobs I had before).
I knew that neither of us would be good parents, and that relinquishment was the right choice, but if he had told me he wanted to keep the child, I wouldn’t have fought him on that. When the time came, he signed the relinquishment papers without argument. Our daughter is now seven, and she seems very happy with her adoptive parents, so while the situation does still cause me pain every once in a while, I can’t complain about the outcome.
Kevin and I eventually broke up when he went out on me with his current wife, Stacy (25F). I wasn’t that torn up about it because we were honestly only staying together because of the trauma we both shared. I have since found stable work as a software engineer and recently bought a house with the extra earnings.
My fiance, Lex (34M), knew this about me from the first time we met. Thankfully, it wasn’t a dealbreaker for him. We started seeing each other when I was 27 (I’m 29 now), and he proposed about a month ago. I accepted. Then we found out I was three months pregnant about a week after he proposed, which was a shock to both of us because I’m on long-term birth control.
Despite the circumstances, we’re overjoyed and have decided to keep the baby. Since we already passed the first trimester before we discovered I was pregnant, we decided to announce the engagement and the pregnancy at the same time on social media.
My ex flipped out. He got my number from my mom and started blowing up my phone.
He told me that I forced him to put our child up for adoption (I didn’t) and that I don’t deserve to have a child now knowing that I abandoned our firstborn. I blocked him; he bought burner phones. Then his wife started getting in on it, vacillating between crying and screaming in the voicemails she sent.
It got so bad that I had to change my number.
Lex is telling me that all of this is bananas and that if Kevin was really ready to become a parent, he would have put his foot down when the time came. My mother, on the other hand, says that I should be more compassionate towards them.
A part of me doesn’t want to be compassionate towards either of them. As selfish as this seems, I feel like I was the one who primarily struggled with the adoption and like Kevin didn’t support me at all through the entire event. I also have to admit I knew about their infertility struggles and didn’t care.
Am I the jerk here? I don’t think any of this would have happened if I hadn’t announced it on social media.”
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. You can’t be expected to live your life based on the opinions and life of your ex. He doesn’t control your life.
You posted about two very exciting and special events in your life because you are happy about them, not with malicious intent. It’s not like you tagged your ex and said, “Lol, guess who’s pregnant and who’s not? Oh right, not your girl because you’re an impotent loser” or something similarly as horrible.
And he has no right to harass you for a decision that you mutually agreed upon. You made a tough choice, and you seem to have made your peace with that. Don’t let him steal that from you.
Also, what the heck with your mom giving your crappy ex your phone number without asking you?
She owes you an apology too.” jayclaw97
Another User Comments:
“My ex and I have a daughter together that we co-parent. So not the exact same situation.
But it also ended in an affair. He dumped me for someone he met at work when I got home from the hospital after giving birth.
I tried my best to go through the break-up on friendly terms, but he was being a major jerk towards me.
We have each other on multiple social media platforms. We only text or call when necessary.
My ex and his girl had a child together about 2 years ago. They have been trying for another for some time and actually did get pregnant about a year ago, but it was an ectopic pregnancy.
They had to have the baby removed and a fallopian tube as well, decreasing their chances of pregnancy. Also, she has PCOS.
My partner and I decided to try for a baby in May. Apparently, my ex and his girl also decided to try again for another baby in May.
I’m one of the very lucky women who gets pregnant literally immediately. So in June, I had a positive test, and I am currently 31.4 weeks pregnant with my baby girl.
They have had to start using IVF.
As much of a jerk as my ex can be toward me, he has never gotten angry at me for excitedly announcing my pregnancy.
He has to see my now huge belly every time he picks our daughter up and drops her off. He even took our daughter shopping for a small present for the baby.
Also, you’re not the first and won’t be the last person to ever abort a baby or put a baby up for adoption, to then at a later (and better) stage in life still have a family.
You did what was best for your daughter in the circumstances you were in.
So OP, NTJ.
Your ex needs therapy.” Miewx
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Everyone (well most people) announces their pregnancy/engagement/wedding news on social media. If they weren’t stalking your page, then they wouldn’t have seen it.
Their actions were completely out of order though. It’s not your fault she can’t have children, and he shouldn’t be taking out his frustrations on you.” Reddit user
15. AITJ For Kicking Out My In-Laws After They Threatened To Call The Police For How I Treated Their Son?
I bet you 20 bucks they won’t actually call the police.
“I, f33, have never been on good terms with my in-laws, but we tolerate each other and are civil.
My husband’s, m30, sick right now. He was involved in an accident 2 months ago. It was bad, and we almost lost him. He’s still bedridden and is very restless because of his medication.
He’d end up falling out of the bed several times, resulting in more injuries. I had to lift him off the floor by myself every time, which I could no longer do because of my own health and my baby’s health (I’m 6 months pregnant), and my in-laws don’t help at all.
I ended up getting him a floor mattress that he sleeps on currently, and it’s so much better. However, when my in-laws (MIL, FIL, SIL1, SIL2 and kids, BIL1l and BIL2 and wife and kids and also my husband’s grandparents and aunts) visited, which is what they do often, they don’t help with anything and even bring their own food to eat without me now after calling me a terrible host just because I refused to cook for them while also expecting me to clean up after them.
They saw my husband sleeping on the floor mattress, and they lost it on me saying their son should be sleeping on his bed, not on the floor, and accused me of neglecting his health and purposely making it worse even after I explained my reasons for getting a mattress.
They demanded I return him to the original bed, or they’ll call the police on me for my mistreatment of their vulnerable and helpless son. I had an argument with them about their lack of support and told them from now on, they can’t and will not be allowed to visit anymore after they basically said they’d call the police on me, and I had them leave immediately.
They mass-blasted me on social media, calling me out for (1. mistreating their son and backed it with pictures my SIL2’s daughter took of my husband sleeping on the floor mattress without asking first. And 2. banning them from visiting to see and check on their sick son constantly expressing how concerned they are for him.) That sparked more rage and involvement from distant family members urging me to stop what I’m doing cause it’s wrong and outrageous.
I tried to tell my side of the events but was told they can’t consider the entire family liars since they all witnessed the same thing, and that is blatant neglect. I’m now required to apologize and let my in-laws back into the house, but I just can’t take it anymore with how criticizing and demanding they are.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I know of a woman whose husband had a massive stroke and never regained any function but lived. The family accused her of not caring for him. They got financial power of attorney for him and literally wiped out every jointly held financial asset they owned, including going after her own retirement via lawyers.
She ended up with not a dime to her name and huge legal debt. And had to fight for her kids. All due to nasty people and a crap lawyer (on their side). FWIW, he was being cared for in a facility, not at home.
Just protect yourself from ugly scenarios.
Temporarily get his name off joint financial assets, just until he heals and really gets back to living life well.
And get a medical bed with railings and hire at least part-time help to care for your husband as needed because being pregnant you can’t do this alone. Take actions to prove you are handling this in the best way possible and protect yourself against his vicious family.
Best to you and your baby!
Edit: Upon further reflection, I urge you to contact an estate planning attorney TOMORROW and ask for an emergency hearing for a judge to grant you financial power of attorney and medical power of attorney over your husband until his condition improves. You need to beat the in-laws to the punch, and get this done in your name before they blink an eye and try to file it themselves, for themselves.
It’s a critical step to protecting yourself long term. Please do this. It won’t be free but will be a heck of a lot cheaper than the other possibility.” genkichan
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the jerk here if you’re trying your best to prevent injuries/falls, and it sounds like you are.
But… from the perspective of someone who works in the domain of rehabilitation (not addiction rehab but rehab after medical events like stroke, traumatic brain injury, amputation, etc.):
If your husband is falling out of bed and injuring himself and can’t get up without physical assistance, due to ongoing problems after a serious accident, I hope that he is being seen or was seen by the appropriate physicians/ rehabilitation specialists and therapists for his specific medical situation.
For example, part of the job of home physical and occupational therapists when they help people to recover after major injuries is to evaluate safety in the home and make recommendations to improve safety. That could be equipment but isn’t necessarily. These specialists would also help think about what is creating the fall risk for a person— is it medications, is it effects from an illness or injury itself, etc.
Forgive me if you are already aware of this kind of team or collection of specialists and the need for medical evaluation of people with falls/ongoing problems after major accidents, but I know from experience that sometimes people get discharged home from hospitals without being hooked up with this kind of stuff.
I’ve met many who needed it (when I meet them or earlier in their lives), and they or their families just had no idea. From the way that you’re talking about it, I was getting the vibe that maybe you/he haven’t had much exposure to that kind of stuff.
(Again, apologies if you know all that, but if so, I hope someone else benefits from reading this.)
I completely understand that not everyone has access to good medical and rehabilitation care, and I’m very sorry if that’s the case for you/your husband or anyone else reading this reply, for that matter.
Last thought — from what you’ve posted here, it sounds like you’re doing everything you know how to do to care for your husband. But the mechanisms for reporting suspected negligence are there for a reason, and if someone truly suspects negligence, they should not be deterred from making a report because communication/access is cut off.
I just think this is important context. This situation is not at all like a, “Should I cut off communication with my mother-in-law because she calls me by the wrong name” post.
This reply is not meant as medical advice, nor legal, but as education about context and factors here.” raspberry77
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Do not apologize, and cut contact with them immediately. Maybe contact the police about harassment or if they want to check for themselves to see how the husband is (to be proactive).
Is your husband healthy enough to notice his family’s crappy behavior? Because this behavior warrants further thought about a future with his family.
My petty butt would write a mass email that all relatives of him could maybe see, just some quick explanation like:
“- Husband has repeatedly fallen out of the bed, due to his medication, which resulted in more injuries. I have to have him back into the bed alone, because his relatives do not help, at all.
I can not keep lifting him up due to the fact that I am 6mo pregnant. it would endanger our baby.- Husband and I decided a floor mattress would be best for him to prevent further injury
– His family comes over multiple times, and instead of helping and making the care for their son easier, they demand to be fed and served. And since I can not cook and feed and host them while taking care of my injured husband, they now bring their own food, leaving a mess, which I have to clean up after they leave.
– Now his family started accusing me of neglect and threatened to call the police on me because of the floor mattress. Well, I’ve done them this one service and called them myself, so they can check on him, as well as tell them about the harassment my husband’s family has showered me with.
Until Husband is healthy enough to take on his family himself, none of these lazy leeches is welcome here anymore. I will update them, regarding his health, on social media.”
I genuinely hope your husband is aware of what his family is doing.
If possible, get a ring camera installed at the door, so you can record them in case they come to harass you some more.
This behavior won’t magically get better once your husband is better or the baby is there.” TerrorAlpaca
14. AITJ For Not Making My Uncle A Gift This Year Because Of What He Said Last Year?
“My family likes to make homemade stuff for gifts. My grandma grew up poor, and the gifts she made for her kids were homemade. That’s still something we do today, where most of our gifts are made by us. Of course, if someone wants something specific, someone will buy it.
The thing I (16m) make is bracelets. My grandma makes blankets, my mom makes necklaces, and my aunt Morgan (40f) makes custom t-shirts.
I am very close with my aunt Morgan, and she helped raise me until I was about 10. I often sleep over at her house to babysit her kids, Eva and Eli (twins, 8m&f), but I make it a point to avoid her husband, my uncle Dylan (48m), because I don’t get along very well with him, and we don’t have any sort of bond.
Last Christmas, I, as usual, made bracelets for everyone. This was Dylan’s first Christmas with my grandmas (he usually spends it at his mom’s with his family without Morgan and the twins), and I made him a gold & silver bracelet with the coils twisting around each other. All my savings last Christmas came from babysitting, and I worked extra to be able to give Dylan something I thought he’d like.
Well, I give it to him, and he thinks it’s a joke. When I explain I’m 100% serious, he says he doesn’t wear “gay crap like this.” I’m gay, and he knows this; I’ve been out for 3 years. He told me to get a watch next year. Well, I didn’t get him anything this year.
We did Christmas early this year (today, the 19th) because my other uncle Ben has to leave the states for his job a few days before Christmas.
I also got a job this year and was able to afford Morgan a ring similar to one she bought on her 18th birthday but had lost a few years ago on a vacation (I knew it wouldn’t replace her old ring, but I thought she’d be happy to have one similar).
I had been saving up slowly for 3 years now, my new job really helping.
Anyways, we gave out gifts, and I delivered Morgan’s gift last because she was sitting farthest from the tree. I give it to her; it’s a bracelet with a ladybug charm, and the ring. She cried happy tears when she saw the ring, so I think it was a success.
My uncle Dylan then asked where his watch was. I said I didn’t get him one because he insulted my gift last year. He sulked and ranted to my uncle Ben about it (I make Ben a pretty simple bracelet when he visits, per his request), and Ben called him a ‘terrible ingrate’ because of what Dylan said last year.
Dylan sulked the rest of the night, and my very sweet grandma suggested I make him a simple bracelet or give him a cheap watch next year, which I’ll probably do. I’m just upset that Dylan thought he was entitled to a watch from me after a rude comment last year, but I do feel bad for leaving him out.
AITJ for not giving my uncle a gift this year?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but now that you know Dylan is kind of a jerk, you can be prepared for next year. The fact that he remembered asking for a watch a whole year later is kind of weird.
Don’t make a bracelet next year because of the response to the first one.
Get a cheap watch. Or find an interesting old one at a garage/estate sale. If you want a homemade touch, search for some pictures advertising men’s watches as fancy/elegant/etc., print the picture and embellish the cheap watchband in a similar way, then give Dylan the printed picture with the watch, so he can see the elegant watchband his is modeled on, to try to avoid any more nasty comments.” WorsePartOfValor
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, no one deserves a gift nor should they expect a gift. A handmade gift is extra special as that takes more time and effort in the process of the vision of the gift, to purchasing the materials, to the time it takes to make the gift. It’s a labor of love and effort that you have put into the item for that particular person and your uncle threw it back in your face and insulted you as well.
I wouldn’t give him anything until he gives you a heartfelt apology.” Syyrii
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I probably would have phrased it a little bit differently than you did: “Sorry Dylan, I knew you didn’t like the bracelet I gave you last year, so I didn’t want to make you something else that you wouldn’t like.”
His ungrateful behavior last year was jerk-ish enough, but to be entitled this year? And then to throw a temper tantrum? He’s 100% the jerk. Unless he makes some serious amends over the course of this next year, I don’t see him getting a present from you next year either.” DinaFelice
13. AITJ For Exposing The True Paternity Test Of My Friend's Son At Her Family Gathering?
It’s not like they did it on purpose or even knew anything about the affair prior to making their so-called “inappropriate” comment.
“I (F40) was invited to stop by and see one of my dearest friends from childhood at her mother’s home yesterday evening. She lives overseas and hadn’t been in the states for years, so she wanted me to stop by even though they had other family visiting her mother as well.
When I got there, my friend introduced me to a couple of her cousins and their husbands. At that point, all the kids were downstairs in the playroom, but she called her son to come up, so I could meet him. Her son came and shook my hand, and I remarked how handsome he was.
He has deep dimples and gorgeous hazel eyes with long lashes. Right behind him was a girl about the same age with the same eyes and dimples. I said to my friend, “Oh, I didn’t know you had a daughter too! You two look like twins.”
The room was suddenly quiet.
My friend’s son corrected me and said the girl is his cousin, not his sister. My friend was shooting daggers at me with her eyes as if I’d said something terrible, and her cousin (who I’d later find out was the mother of the girl) got up and left the room looking upset.
Her husband followed her. Things became so weird and awkward from that moment on that I made an excuse to leave. Only this afternoon when my friend’s younger sister called (we were also friends in school) did I find out why.
So, apparently, my friend had an affair with her cousin’s husband when she lived with them briefly, and her son is the product of that affair.
From what I was just told, she won’t admit it, but everyone has suspected it because the older her son gets, the more he looks like the man. I honestly didn’t notice the resemblance last night because the husband had just given me a quick wave from the far side of the room where he was watching a game.
The reason the cousin, his wife, got upset and left the room is she’s suspected something for years, but everyone has worked hard at convincing her she’s paranoid and seeing a resemblance that’s not there.
So, I’m the jerk in the scenario now and ruined everyone’s Christmas, or at least that’s how it seems because my friend won’t return my call or texts.”
Another User Comments:
“This is a bit of a rollercoaster. Obviously, you didn’t really do anything wrong, so NTJ. Your friend and her family are, except the cousin. If your friend hadn’t had an affair, they wouldn’t have made a big deal about your comment. Cousins can look very similar, and any normal family would’ve laughed it off and agreed because of course they look similar; they’re related!
Of course, because the kids are half-siblings, and everyone knows it and is trying to gaslight the cousin, it’s a big deal.
That cousin is probably feeling both validated, because finally someone else is seeing what she’s seeing and admitting it, and awful because now she’s also been once again confronted with the fact that her husband had an affair, and the entire family is trying to gaslight her.
That poor woman.” silence_infidel
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You just made an innocent remark. They outed themselves by their guilty reaction to what you said. If everyone had behaved in a relaxed and nonchalant matter and said no, they’re just cousins, but they do like a lot alike, don’t they!?
And everyone moved on like there was nothing going on to see here… then this would have been a non-story. Because there is nothing strange about genetic relatives resembling one another, especially if they are around the same age.” DocBanana1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You had no way of knowing the can of worms that would be opened with one innocent comment, and honestly, you did the cousin a favor.
Even the most distant family members can look alike, like for example, my half-brother’s daughter, so my half-niece, looks EXACTLY like me when I was a kid to the point where she can even tell at five years old that we can make the same faces. The fact that the kids both look like their biological father, the adulterer, is the problem here.” loveroftheclassics
12. AITJ For Telling My Daughter That Her Mom Is The Reason Christmas Is Ruined?
“Me (35M) and my ex-wife Natalie (34F) have a daughter Shannon (13F). We were married for 10 years but had a lot of issues communicating, and I hated her finance management. We argued about finances constantly, and eventually, this led to us divorcing when Shannon was 8. It wasn’t a great divorce, and at times, got personal. Natalie has gotten married since to Trevor, and Trevor has 2 kids from a previous relationship.
I’ve been seeing Alana for 2 years now, and she has no kids. Now to the problem.
Every single year since Shannon was 4, we have gone to Disney after Christmas, and it’s a very special trip. Even as co-parents, we have done this trip, sometimes bringing our parents as well.
It can be a grind all being in the same room together as I really dislike Natalie. But we make it work.
This year, though, Natalie calls me and tells me she can’t afford her half of the trip this year. Trevor doesn’t have a job, and she can’t afford gifts for his kids, Christmas, and this trip.
She asks if I’ll pay for it, and I refuse. Been in this situation plenty with her, and I’m not giving this woman any more of my savings.
Shannon comes home from her mom’s upset saying that she heard the trip might not happen unless Daddy (me) makes it happen.
I got enraged and called Natalie to tell her the trip won’t be happening because of HER, not me. I sit down and tell Shannon the real reason we can’t go on the trip. I offer her the chance to start a new tradition, and we can do something closer to home and suggest skiing or maybe an indoor water park.
She’s incredibly upset but understood, but when she went back to her mom’s, I guess she yelled at her mom and accused her of ruining Christmas, etc. Shannon has now asked to stay at my place for the time being. My ex is saying I turned our daughter against her, and I’ve gotten calls from my ex-in-laws calling me a jerk, but my family thinks I did nothing wrong.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I don’t understand why there are people saying you chose the low road. You saw the mother of your child attempting to alienate her from you and use her to manipulate you and made the choice to keep her in the loop. As long as you talked to her in a child-friendly manner and didn’t do it pointing fingers (“your mom is bad with finances”) but in a life happens way (“this year, your mom doesn’t have as much savings, so it’s something we can’t afford to do”).
Shannon is 13; she is a kid but not a baby and is able to understand concepts like different economic situations and that two households do not have a joint savings account.
You even proposed the idea of making it closer to home, which made it more affordable to Natalie, instead of saying something like, “Well, I can still take you to Disney” makes me think you value your co-parenting relationship enough to not create unnecessary messes.
Talk to Shannon to make sure she is okay and to see what she understood of the situation. If you want, maybe smooth over her feelings about her mom, but don’t invalidate them as she has all the right to be angry about being lied to.
Good luck to both of you.
Hopefully, this sorts itself out soon” Slow-Bumblebee-8609
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your ex shouldn’t have tried to put the blame on you, and as a result, you had to put the record straight. Your daughter is 13 and old enough to understand the truth.
If her mother had just said, sorry I can’t afford my part of the trip this year, it may not happen, fine; that’s the truth, but nope, she had to try and paint herself as the victim too to sympathize with your daughter and put you as the villain.
And most children will understand that you do not always get what you want and is a lesson that can greatly improve their expectations of the world and understanding when they grow up that even if you work hard, sometimes things do not plan out due to other elements in play that aren’t in anyone’s control.
No one was the bad guy until your ex tried to turn you into one, and your daughter is very smart to realize what her mother was pulling.
I think you did everything within your power to insure that your daughter was given the correct information in a way that was not to demonize your ex, a courtesy that was extended to you.” ijustwntevrytobeok
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
People keep calling her a spoiled brat because she’s upset about not being able to go to Disney world, but that’s not spoiled. It’s a tradition, one that existed before the divorce and one that despite the animosity present between the parents, has been able to survive after the divorce as well.
It’s an expectation at this point unless someone said otherwise. I’m sure this has been something she has looked forward to all year because why wouldn’t she when it’s always happened?
And with OP making this post now, a week before Christmas, when did this conversation between the mom and daughter take place?
And how long has the mom known she couldn’t afford the trip? Because if all of this happened in the last couple of days, the mom is an even bigger jerk than I thought. Not only did she try to pin it on the dad as to why they couldn’t go, probably as a way to back him in the corner to solve the issue, but she also waited VERY last minute.
If you know you had plans for the last 11 months and a week or 2 before those plans are about to happen, your mom says it won’t, and it’s your dad’s fault, I’d be upset too. Mom sounds very manipulative. But by not allowing his ex-wife to control the narrative, OP was able to give his daughter both sides or this situation and daughter reacted accordingly.
So Mom’s manipulations backfired.
Honestly, Mom’s actions speak for themself. By go speaking to daughter first, she was able to get into her head because the daughter didn’t have any other info to go on. But it also backfires because when OP told the truth, Mom couldn’t do damage control because she jumped first headed in.
Can’t come back from what she said and implied when she did it unprompted and without any input from OP. She set her relationship with daughter on fire.
I also think it’s very telling the daughter immediately asked if the reason Mom couldn’t afford the trip was because of Trevor, which is a good indication of how perceptive kids are, especially at that age.
Also an indication of how things may be currently at her mom’s house now that Trevor is around, whether this had been an issue since the marriage or just since he lost his job. She obviously knows he doesn’t have a job and can make the correlation between that and any changes at her mom’s place.
Specifically decreases in standard of living.
I think daughter is smart. She’s doing what’s best for her, not what’s best for mom.
She either stays with current custody arrangement, where for now at least, going to moms house she has less than she had before the marriage and less than she has had since the marriage because her mom now has 2 additional children to provide for but doesn’t have Trevor’s income to help provide support, so she’s spread thin.
Or go to her dad’s house, where there are no additional children, and another adult present who depending on the relationship may also be able to support her.
I think it’s a no-brainer: 1-2 parent income at dad’s, no other kids. 1 parent income at moms with 3 kids. Especially when it seems like daughter will draw the short straw because Mom wants to keep Trevor happy.
I also question has the trip just been OP, the mom, and daughter every year. So the mom just had to pay for herself and half of the daughter’s cost. Or had this become a family-wide thing, where Trevor and his 2 kids come as well. Because if it’s the latter, the mom is even more of a jerk and is extremely entitled if she thinks OP should not even just cover the full cost of his child but also the cost of 2 adults and 2 kids that aren’t even his.
And seeing as this is an annual trip, she should’ve been saved up for this. (She had 12 months to do so.)
And I’m curious how long has Trevor not had a job? Why doesn’t he have a job? What has he been doing to look for one?
And why can’t he just take on something simple to pay the bills until he’s able to find something of similar pay or level to what he had previously? Because to me, it just sounds like Trevor isn’t doing anything, and everything is in the mom to pick up the slack, and subsequently, her daughter suffers from it.
Kind of ironic that OP divorced the mom in relation to finances and savings management, and those same issues have arisen in her current marriage as well. Not necessarily in the same way, but finance issues all the same. Maybe she’s finally seeing the other side of the coin with Trevor and experiencing what she put OP through in the marriage.
Good luck OP in taking care of your child. She should be put first, and your ex-wife understandably has different priorities now that she’s married, but I think just the fact that your daughter doesn’t want to go back is an indication of just how much she wasn’t one of those priorities.” AffectionateSorbet47
11. AITJ For Causing A Co-Worker To Get Fired Right Before Christmas?
“This whole incident began in October when one of my co-workers, let’s call her Liz, requested bereavement leave because her dog had to be put down.
Our company doesn’t have a policy regarding pets, but we understood the situation and approved 1 day of paid leave. She then told us she needed a week off to recover from the emotional trauma. We were really busy at the end stage of a project at the time and negotiated with her to only take 3 days.
During her time off, she held a funeral for her dog and invited all of our co-workers through the company email. This was in the middle of a workday, so I didn’t think anyone attended. Since she came back to work, she has taken to passive-aggressively reminding everyone about it and how she wasn’t treated fairly.
Prior to this incident, I viewed Liz as I do the majority of my co-workers. She has always been a little sensitive about things and a bit of a gossip, but it didn’t affect her work, so I paid it no mind.
Now, last month, one of my other co-workers Cass, also experienced a loss.
She’s had a particularly rough year, and I won’t go too much into the details, but her very young son passed away after being sick for a while. Cass and I are friends outside of work, and I’d known for quite some time about this. I helped arrange his memorial (on a weekend), and many of our co-workers went and offered their support.
Throughout this time, Liz was quite flippant about it. But Cass came back to work 2 weeks ago but is still a little fragile and since then, Liz has become a bit of a nightmare. I’ve heard her make remarks about Cass “being overly dramatic” and needing to “get over it already” and complaining about how unfairly she was treated compared to Cass when she lost “her baby.” (I personally find that an odd remark because Liz has 2 human children.) I told Cass she should probably report Liz to our boss – they’d never really gotten along, but this was basically harassment, but she understandably wasn’t in the mood to start anything.
I spoke with Liz and asked her to give Cass space. I tried to be gentle about it, but then she insinuated that Cass and I were sleeping together. I managed to control my temper at the moment, but afterward, I went directly to our boss and explained the situation to her, and by the end of the day, after speaking with Cass and some other coworkers, she fired Liz.
Since then, I’ve gotten texts and voice messages and emails from Liz and her family telling me that I’m a jerk for escalating the situation and getting her fired. Cass told me that she’s grateful but doesn’t know that my way of handling things was necessarily the right way. Apparently, Liz’s husband is unemployed, and now they won’t be able to make their rent payments and can’t afford Christmas presents for their kids.
So, strangers on the internet, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, losing a dog is hard, but you’d have to be pretty heartless to criticize someone who lost a child for how they cope with their loss. Instead of self-assessing, she doubled down and decided to make it a hostile work environment by harassing both of you.
Losing a dog sucks so bad, I get it, but by the end of the day in the office, you need to self-regulate and have self-control.
YOU didn’t cause her to get fired; her actions did.
I hope this was a short-term coping mechanism for Liz, and I hope Cass heals as well.
Hopefully, at her next job Liz will be more careful of what she says and to whom.” Agroskater
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
My dog died recently. He was 12.5, and I’ve had him since he was a puppy, literally right after they’re old enough to be adopted out. We slept together, I spent everything I had on his care and safety later in his life, I even bought a ramp and helped him up and down it so he wouldn’t fall off it (it had no rails, but I was planning on adding some; he just died before I could).
He was my best friend, and I miss him. I, too, took time off work, but I just used sick time. I missed 2 days of work over it, and my coworkers all were understanding.
Having said that, if my coworker had a child die, under no circumstances would I have made any snide remarks about it or how much support they were getting.
Death is awful for the survivors no matter who it is that dies. Even if I hated that coworker, I would never say they needed to get over their loss 2 weeks after the funeral. Heck, I’d never say it regardless of time passed. That’s just freaking rude at best, and at worst, is evil.
You didn’t get her fired. Her own horrible actions did. It’s terrible for the kids that they are in such conditions, but that’s not on you. There are many resources available for her to get help from, so hopefully the kids are ok while she finds a new job.” StragglingShadow
Another User Comments:
“As someone who just put my cat down 2 days ago, I do sympathize with Liz losing her pet. They are family but they are NOT in any way shape or form equal to losing a human loved one or a human child
NTJ.
Liz wanted attention. She wanted everyone to pepper her with condolences and entitlement (extra days off, reduced work, etc.).
And when Cass experienced the actual loss of a (human) loved one, the attention went to Cass, and it angered Liz.
As to the other stuff, Liz insinuating that there is an affair with you and Cass is hostile work environment at best, harassment (of 2 people!) at worse.
The actions of her and her family harassing you after the fact is inappropriate, and you need to document and save every text.
Further, report this to your boss/HR. Tell them (Liz and fam) to stop. And if they do not, file a harassment complaint with your local law enforcement agency.” PirouetteSkater
Losing a human child is, in my opinion, a lot worse than losing a pet (and I'm a pet owner myself).
If Liz' financial situation was really that bad, then she shouldn't have acted so cruel and made the work environment hostile.
She is the only one responsible for getting fired, no one else.
10. AITJ For Confronting The Bride And Groom Over The Seating Chart And Then Leaving Early?
Drama is shooting in all directions.
“My father-in-law got married a few weeks ago, but they just returned from their honeymoon, and I’ve heard through the g*******e that they think I am a jerk.
At the wedding, we were put at the same table as my husband’s mom, who we have not spoken to in three years.
There was never a formal big no contact; she just stopped answering messages and stopped reaching out. My husband checked her social media once to make sure she was alive. She was alive and well, so we felt like fine if she wants to ignore us; the relationship can just be over.
We haven’t heard from her since, she hasn’t met the baby, and it was sad for my husband for a little while, but he is over it. We expected her to be at the wedding but were surprised that she was seated next to us because my father-in-law knows about the estrangement.
My mother-in-law looked uncomfortable for a little while but relaxed and was just ignoring us, but I could tell how uncomfortable my husband was.
I went up to the head table and asked my father-in-law and the bride why we were next to my mother-in-law (I did congratulate them first).
The father-in-law looked like he was trying really hard not to smile and said to ask the bride; she did the seating chart. She said it is just normal to put people with people they know. I asked if we could be moved because she was making my husband so uncomfortable.
My father-in-law asked what she was doing, and I admitted nothing, and he told us to leave him alone and stop bothering them at their wedding.
I went back to the table. At this point, my husband isn’t even eating because he is stressed, and my mother-in-law is twisted all the way around in her chair, so she doesn’t have to look at us, and I just snapped and told my husband that we shouldn’t stay when we have been disrespected, and if his dad wanted us there, he wouldn’t have put us at that table.
My mother-in-law’s husband was like, you know we can hear you, jerks, but I ignored him and asked my husband if he wanted to leave. He agreed and we went, but I heard that my father-in-law and his wife were talking bad about us to my mother-in-law after we left and saying we are selfish, and my mother-in-law said we are hypocrites because we didn’t care about her happiness at our wedding (I don’t know what she meant by that).”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Rather than use her words, your mother-in-law cut off contact and even blanked her kid, who was trying to reach out. She is well aware her son went to his dad for help and regularly checks if she is okay. Your mother-in-law is a jerk, an attention-seeking one from the sounds of it.
What a horrid way to treat your child.
Your husband was so distressed because his mother was there and ignoring him. I am doubtful his own mother couldn’t tell. To be honest, kudos for being a decent wife and asking if you could be moved, rather than walking out. Father-in-law likely knew you were all on the same table and declined to give his son a heads up.
Whatever petty nonsense this is over from the mother-in-law’s side (did you not let her get her hair done first on the wedding day? Did she want to wear white, and you said no?), the father-in-law is not helping. Maybe he thought this would, but he is a jerk for putting his son in that position.
Yes, you should’ve approached the father-in-law and his new bride. They literally caused the situation, and rather than dither around the issue (like the rest of the family clearly do), you went straight to the source for a straight answer. You let him know his kid was upset; he didn’t care.
As such, you rightly left.
Your father-in-law cannot call you selfish when he has declined to explain the reason his son is being put through this rejection by his mother. I’d call that selfish. He cannot call you selfish for leaving, when you removed someone from an upsetting environment. That is very reasonable.
As for the mother-in-law – she wants to use her words, then she should use them, rather than going around witchin’ to everyone else in riddles rather than growing a spine and telling you/your husband was massive mea culpa you committed to warrant her petty behavior.” throwawayj38sld
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
The father-in-law may have known about the estrangement, but you don’t make any mention about whether his wife did. If your family is anything like mine and much of wedding cultures out there, the bride handles everything related to wedding planning, and the groom tends to just show up.
It is entirely possible that she put together the seating chart without knowing that this would be an issue.
You are the jerk because you marched up to them at the head table and confronted them about the seating chart when the mother-in-law wasn’t doing anything to you. All it was, was just awkward.
Plenty of people get stuck at tables at weddings with people they feel awkward around, estrangement or not. What exactly did you expect a couple to do right then and there? Somehow find another solo table for you and your husband to sit at? Blow up the seating chart and switch you around right there in there?
You instead threw a temper tantrum about the seating chart to the couple and so loudly and rudely at the table that the mother-in-law’s husband called you out.
You are absolutely sure you don’t know why your husband is estranged from his mother? Or are you aware it probably has something to do with your behavior and don’t want to own up to it?
This whole scenario reeks of missing reasons.” anglerfishtacos
Another User Comments:
“INFO: when you went up to your father-in-law, were other people going up to them as well? And there wasn’t any speeches or anything going on? More I’m trying to ask: did your going up there really stick out and have the potential for making a scene, or would no one besides the bride/groom think anything was amiss?
I’m leaning towards an ESH (father-in-law and his bride definitely suck if they knowingly did that on purpose), because it is a bit presumptuous to ask the bride & groom for special accommodations in the middle of the wedding… but I do wonder what I’d do in your shoes.
Everyone saying you should have left quietly… I’m sure that would have still caused questions and drama, just after the wedding.
Also “host making the seating chart was a jerk, but unless son misses the fun part of his father’s wedding with no questions asked, son is the jerk” just doesn’t seem totally fair.
I know someone suggested talking to the staff to get switched… but pretty sure the waitstaff wouldn’t want to get involved with that.
At a minimum, it could put their tip at risk if the couple found out about it. At worst, it could cost them their jobs. And not all events have a wedding coordinator, and if it does, they aren’t always easy to find.
I probably would have had hubby turn his chair around too and just try to make it through the meal and once the meal was done, get away from that table; hang around the bar.
Hang around the dance floor. Go find other family and hang around their table. Alternatively, as soon as you found out she was at the table, maybe have your hubby leave the table to scope out the room and see if there were any no shows and ask that table if they’d mind if you guys sat with them.
So yeah. ESH, but you guys were put in a situation in which you were either gonna have to jump through hoops, get totally screwed, or be the jerk too. So… sorry.” EvilSockLady
9. AITJ For Arranging For My Wife's Parents To Christmas With Us Without Informing Her First?
“I (M, 27) have been married to my wife (F, 26) for 2 years, and we’re expecting a baby boy together. My wife has been no contact with her parent because of issues that occurred between them during her teenage years.
She said it was because of the way they treated her late partner and their 7-year-old son. She stopped seeing them after she moved out with my stepson, but she went back to introduce me, and things were fine until a little before we got married. My wife went no contact after she claimed my mother-in-law stole all her wedding jewelry and sold it.
Now I’m not sure if that was accurate or just an excuse my wife used to get me to stop asking.
A few months ago, my mother-in-law as well as other family members reached out to me, and we had conversations (without my wife) about how innocent my mother-in-law was and was falsely accused by my wife to get back at her for past issues.
I really felt she was sincere especially after she said she wished my wife would give her another chance. I had an idea which was that I invite my inlaws over to celebrate Christmas with me, and my wife and hopefully talk things out once and for all.
I didn’t tell my wife because I didn’t want her stressing over the gathering, but days ago, I came home, and she began yelling at me asking what I was thinking to invite her bullies and enemies to our Christmas celebration.
I tried to explain that her parents are very sincere in wanting to start new with the baby coming, but she yelled that they didn’t even treat my stepson or his father well and don’t deserve to be near the kids and said I needed to cancel immediately. I suggested she calm down first, and we’ll talk, but she refused and packed her stuff and went to stay with a friend, repeatedly saying I disrespected her and ignored her decision when it came to her family.
I spoke to her friend and said maybe my wife should let bygones be bygones, and yes, she might be dealing with stress and is lashing out for no reason, but her friend said I overstepped, and it wasn’t my business to try and fix whatever issue she has with her family and told me to back down and cancel the invite since my wife said she won’t be there, but I think she is holding on to grudges and being bitter instead of settling things down with her family.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – So you’re invalidating the pain that your wife went through? Something tells me that you don’t understand how painful it is to go no contact with a parent. It’s filled with self-doubt and so much suffering. You spend time wondering why you weren’t enough for your parents to look past their issues and work through things with you in a way to where they could be in your life.
It’s like cutting off a rotten limb and missing it even though you know it would have killed you in the end. It’s not being bitter; it’s building the life you need for yourself and for your children.
If my significant other ever did anything like this to me, I would reevaluate our entire relationship because he would be showing me that he thinks I’m just as useless as my mother does.
You’ve got some real fixing to do here.” thebaguetteexpress
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, big time.
You took your in-laws’ side over that of your wife. You’re telling your wife you don’t believe her about the mistreatment she’s suffered from them. You’re telling her that her lifetime of experience with her family isn’t real, that her feelings about them are not valid, and that you know better than her about events that took place before you even knew her.
To make things worse, you planned for this unwelcome surprise to take place on Christmas, a time that’s supposed to be about spending time with people you love, not about forcing people to spend time with toxic relations that have mistreated them.
To make things even worse, you planned for it on a Christmas while she’s pregnant, with all the additional stress and discomfort that brings.
Even if there were some justification for forcing a get-together between your wife and her estranged family (which there’s not), doing it as a “surprise” on Christmas while she’s pregnant seems to be deliberately choosing the absolute worst time and worst way to go about it. Are you tired of your wife?
Do you really want a divorce, but you want her to be the one to file for it? This is how you go about accomplishing that.
Then, when she quite understandably left to go stay with a friend, because she clearly can’t trust you to have her back, you made things even worse again by telling the friend that your wife was “lashing out for no reason,” further invalidating her own feelings about her own family.
Her relationship with her family is not yours to fix, manage or control. If you want to salvage your marriage, you need to acknowledge your controlling behavior, apologize with all the sincerity you can muster, and promise never to do anything like that again.” BogBabe
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Going -no contact- with family is a big thing and a last resort, because of majorly overstepping boundaries and not relenting.
It’s not something people do lightly. Actually, it’s extremely difficult when it comes to mental and physical mistreatment because the parents generally condition the child to go against their own self-preservation instinct.
Your wife made that decision twice. She probably introduced you first to give her family another chance at being in her life.
Then her mother massively overstepped that boundary again and she cut them all out.
Then comes along Hubby, who completely ignores all this, basically calling his wife a liar and then surprises her with a living nightmare, whilst she is vulnerable because she is pregnant, and hormones are flying about.
You are siding with the abusive side instead of your wife, your supposed life partner, the one you’re supposed to stand by and protect. For what?
And then you have the audacity to say ‘let bygones be bygones,’ so basically, ‘just let go of the past and continuing mistreatment, honey.’
She is probably holding a grudge and being bitter because of the mistreatment. Which she is allowed to do. It doesn’t matter if they are family and she has no obligation or need to mend. It’s probably better for her to go no contact.
You have blinders on because you probably don’t come from an abusive family.
Not all families are happy families.
Now go back to your wife. If she wants to speak to you, that is, and grovel and apologize.” breisleach
8. AITJ For Donating To An Animal Shelter Instead Of A Friend Of A Friend's Sick Kid's GoFundMe?
“I (23F) got a Christmas bonus at work for a couple of thousand dollars. I have had a pretty rough year this year, but one of the things that has helped me a lot is that I started volunteering at a local animal shelter.
I haven’t been able to help a lot because I get exhausted easily, but the other volunteers have become really good friends, and I feel like I get more benefits from them than they get from me. I also adopted my pet bunny from them, who is fantastic!
I’ve been thinking for a while about donating to them because they can’t always afford the things that they want, and every little bit helps, so when I got my bonus, I went to their website to donate, but the only way I could find was to donate through social media.
I ended up deciding to donate $500 to them on there.
When I donated, it must have shown up on my social media feed and asked other people to join me. I don’t believe that it showed the amount.
I got a message from a friend (~25M) that I went to high school with that sent me a link to their friend’s GoFundMe.
Their kid has cancer, and I feel really bad for them, but I only wanted to donate $500 and use the rest for stuff that I need. I told him this and I said that I was sorry that I couldn’t help, but I didn’t even know about the GoFundMe.
He said that the kid is more important than “a bunch of dumb animals” and that I should go get my dollars back and give them to his friend instead.
I said no and that the animal shelter means a lot to me. He then said I was being a jerk and that I could help this kid and their family a lot.
AITJ for not trying to get my donation back to give to the kid? I can see why he thinks I’m a jerk, but I also feel like the shelters don’t get as many donations as people think, so mine will really help.
When I adopted my bunny, I gave them an extra $100 on top of the $30 that they charged, and it made the donation lady’s day.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you get to decide how and where you spend your earnings; no one else does. Your friend was way out of line.
If he wants to support this person, great, but it doesn’t obligate you to do so.
A few years back, a good friend of mine called me and asked me to donate to a GoFundMe for one of the regulars at the restaurant where he worked. Long story short, this lady went skiing, opted not to wear a helmet, smashed into a tree, and was in a coma.
She was most likely going to have a permanent TBI from her injuries, if she woke up. She was a single mom of three kids.
I never met this woman, never met her children, I never even stepped foot in my friend’s restaurant (it’s not even near where I live).
I said, “I’m sorry for your friend’s situation, but my charitable giving is already allotted for the year. Hope she recovers from her injuries.” Any reasonable person would have taken that as a “no” and moved on, but he started making comments and judging the charities he knew I DID support – animal charities and gifts to the college I attended (I received generous scholarships when I went there and want to give back).
He asked how could I put “animals and privileged white kids” above “people who were truly in need.” YIKES! I was angry at that point and basically said, “Your friend CHOSE to ski without a helmet and without health insurance when she knew she had three children depending on her.
That was a CHOICE. She is now living with the consequences of that choice and will do so for the rest of her days. I’m not bailing her out of her own bad decision. I’m sorry for her situation and sorry that her children, who didn’t ask for it, will suffer.
But it all could have been avoided. My CHOICE here is not to support it. I can’t solve every problem in the world.”
He just kind of “harrumphed” and ended the call. It eventually blew over, but I know he still thinks I’m in the wrong. I don’t.” SuchLovelyLilacs
Another User Comments:
“Just to be CLEAR, this wasn’t YOUR friend’s child, but THEIR friend’s child? As in, your friend’s friend’s kid? As in, you have no actual social connection to the kid at all? What the heck? NTJ.
Would it have been a wonderful thing to do to help the kid? Yes, absolutely.
Are you in ANY way socially obligated to do so, beyond the vague notion that helping kids is always a good thing to do? NO.
On top of which, it’s not like you made a choice between the two causes, you donated to the animal shelter, THEN your ‘friend’ decided to tell you about the kid and try to guilt-trip you into pulling your donation back from what you considered a worthy cause.” MarkAndReprisal
7. AITJ For Telling My Mom People Don't Like Getting Her Presents?
A little gratitude could go a long way…
“Every Christmas, my mom is disappointed by her Christmas gifts. She also frequently buys herself things after we’ve already gotten them for her, which means that we have to return a lot of her gifts and scramble to find new ones.
When she opens her gifts, she usually does the fake and obviously disappointed thanks and never uses it. Me and my siblings don’t have a lot to spend because we all have more than 2 children, so every year, we pool our dollars and get her gifts. Last year, we got her an expensive new computer monitor (she does photography, so it’s important for her editing), a purse and wallet she had been wanting, and a pair of shoes.
We had to give her the computer monitor on Christmas Eve because she was ordering one.
She said it was the best Christmas, and then this week, I find out she hated everything but the shoes. We put extensive research into the monitor, and she said she wanted one that swiveled, and our pick didn’t.
She wanted the bag and wallet she got, but it was in the wrong color (they were sold out of what she wanted, so I got a similar pattern in a color I know she likes to wear.) She told me she always wants specific things, and we never get them for her.
The thing is, she doesn’t tell us what she wants, and if she does, it’s always over $100. As I said, we have multiple kids and can’t afford to all buy her these gifts.
She also likes to have surprises in her gifts and gets angry if we give her a gift card to get what she wants.
We work hard to try to get her what she wants, and to find out she’s upset by all of it made me mad. When she kept going on about how we didn’t get things she wanted. I just stopped her and said nobody likes giving you anything because you act like a spoiled child.
I told her we probably wouldn’t give her a gift this year and focus on our kids. She started crying and told me I was ungrateful because she put so much thought into my gifts.
My brother said I should’ve just walked away and called me a jerk. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to.
A few years ago, my family asked me for gift ideas. I did not like my colander as it was plastic and had extremely short feet, so I sent them a link to one I found online (the one I would have bought for myself).
My brother got me a colander, but not the specific one I asked for. It’s a nice stainless steel, but unfortunately, the feet are just as short, and it drains much slower than the plastic one.
I would never tell him this, but he’s actually made my colander situation worse.
I now have two colanders I don’t like, and one I would feel guilty getting rid of because it was a gift from the brother I love.
Eventually, I will probably donate both colanders and buy the one I need. If my brother were to find out, I hope he wouldn’t take it personally.
I certainly hope he wouldn’t react by never giving me a gift again!
Oh yeah, and the gifts I give my parents? Several have ended up in the extended family white elephant exchange. Oof, lol. But I wouldn’t want to burden them with something they won’t use just because it was a gift!
The point is, you can’t force people to love or use your gifts. It sounds like she was grateful – she said it was the best Christmas ever, and apparently, you didn’t hear about the issue until you pressed it.
NTJ.” captainblue
Another User Comments:
“Imma have to go with YTJ.
It sounds like she asks for very specific gifts, and you guys never get them but get something similar and then get mad when she doesn’t like or want it.
Not to mention, you guys stop her from getting what she actually wants because you apparently “have it” already, and it’s not the right thing!
How’d you feel if you asked for a mocha frappe, and they brought you a caramel one because they were out? Sure grateful you got anything—which is the thank you part—but if you don’t like caramel, you aren’t gonna drink it. They kinda wasted their time and bucks.
The only part she’s a tiny bit of a jerk about is not wanting a gift card to get what she wants herself. But not enough to change the verdict.” Faerie_Queen_
Another User Comments:
“ESH – She is obviously hard to please. And while I completely understand the frustration–just think reacting out of anger should have been avoided, especially if it’s never been actually discussed before.
You are all adults, sitting her down, “We are happy to buy gifts, but we are frustrated and disappointed. If we pick something we believe to be thoughtful (give monitor example), you don’t care for it, or you’ve shopped when we are about to purchase. If you give us lists; they are many times beyond our budgets.
You could give us lists with a ‘cap’ or expect us to give combined gifts from the lists. We want to make you happy and not have this be so upsetting for everyone.” Babsgarcia
6. AITJ For Telling My Parents My Finances Are None Of Their Business?
“Basically I, 21M, am in a financial bind. I’m deep in my overdraft due to going out way too much in my first year of university and treating myself to things I wasn’t allowed to buy as a kid because I was forced to save every cent.
Luckily, my overdraft is interest-free, but I foresee I’ll be in it until the end of my degree. I’ve been applying for jobs where I, however, either have my application rejected, or places just haven’t gotten back to me.
I am currently visiting home because it’s Christmas and have been in the living room updating my mom on how my life is going.
After a while, she asks me if I’ve cleared my overdraft, and I tell her no. She snaps at me and tells me that I should focus on clearing the debt. I tell her that I know this, and she should stop reminding me every time. She then starts yelling at me that I need to sort my life out stop going out and that she won’t be there to clear my debt if I can’t do it myself.
I haven’t asked them for a dime since I started university. I haven’t been on a night out in over a year and a half, and any disposable income I do have from my student loan goes right into paying rent and buying food for myself and commuting to university.
The only thing I’ll treat myself to is a small lunch now and then with friends, think around a snack from Costa and a hot drink.
So I argue back that if she hadn’t transferred my savings into her bank account and blew it all, I wouldn’t be in this predicament.
For context, I had a bank account which I was forced to put all the pocket change and monetary gifts from past birthdays and Christmases in because my parents wouldn’t let me spend it as “saving for a rainy day is important.” I built up enough earnings for a partial deposit on a house when I graduate (I have a really big family), and the rest would be covered by my final student bursary in my fifth year.
I was told when I was 18, I wasn’t allowed access to my account because they were scared I’d spend it all (which is stupid because I had to save everything), and my mom kept complete access to my savings. I wasn’t allowed.
My dad jumped in and told me that I was being rude and demanded I apologize.
I told him no because we do this dance every time I’m here, and I don’t deserve to be screamed at when I’ve been trying to save as much as possible and as an adult. It’s none of their business how I spend my income anyway, and now my mom won’t even look at me.
So WIBTA for telling my parents it’s none of their business what I do with my income?
EDIT: A lot of you are asking what happened to my savings and if I still have them and how my mum blew them. I have no savings as my mum transferred them out to her account.
I have never been able to access them but I thought since they were my savings I would be able to. She then quit her job and my dad supports both of them with his. My savings were a combination of monetary gifts from past birthdays and Christmases and from odd jobs I did before I started uni.
I have been adding to my savings pot since I was a kid.
EDIT 2: In a past argument about finances, my mom told me she had spent my savings. She could have said it out of rage and possibly be lying; however, I didn’t press her about it because she was very angry.”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Clearly some other commenters missed the part where your parents spent your savings under the pretense of managing it for you. While they seem to be correct in withholding a huge chunk of easily spent earnings from you (based on how you got yourself deep into your overdraft), they should’ve kept their word and used it to clear some of your debt and give you a second chance at wise financial planning.
Instead, they took the bucks and spent it themselves, which is pretty hypocritical.
You messed up; they messed up. They’re worried and expressed it pretty poorly. This is fixable. Provide them evidence that you’re saving everything you can and managing your earnings responsibly, to assuage their worries. However, make sure to let them know they broke their promise as managers of your savings account, which they explicitly said was for you.” nanananannooo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: The fact that your family took what you’ve been saving since you were a child and won’t let you have it/spent it in your stead, is ridiculous. Some commenters seem to be misreading because from what I can see on your post, your financial dilemma came AFTER your family took control of your savings account and took your earnings.
Yes, you got into debt, but from what you’ve said, you’re being responsible and paying it off bit by bit. If you’re not going out or doing anything extravagant, then you’re doing the best you can.
Your parents are reasonable in wanting to know about your life and in being worried about your finances, but it is NOT their job to yell at you about it.
You’re an adult, and you’re dealing with the issue yourself; you don’t need them berating you. When you’ve clearly told them that you’re taking care of it and asked them to leave you alone before, they need to back OFF. They do not have any right to demand to know or control your finances, and you’re NOT a jerk for telling them that.” OverExcitedGinger
Money that was given to you and that you earned is YOUR money. How DARE Mom spend it and crap on Dad for not sticking up for you
5. AITJ For Telling My Brother His Girl Is Scamming Him?
“My brother (32M) and I (29F) are very close. We started a business together a few years ago, and it’s going far better than we expected. As a consequence, he makes a lot.
One year ago, he met a 28-year-old girl. She told him she was a high-paid executive in a famous company. He told me he wanted to be with a woman with ambition and a successful career because he wanted them to be on an equal step.
He fell deeply in love with her.
I met her not long after, and she was funny and sweet, so we got along great. My brother moved in with her, but just before it happened, she said she was sick and had to quit her job. After that, he paid for every health appointment to try to diagnose her because she has no savings.
He also is the only provider of their house since she doesn’t work anymore. She loves to buy expensive items with his card. It has been going on for 7 months, and the doctors said they couldn’t find anything.
These past few months, I kept thinking about how it’s weird she has no savings (even though she is supposed to have had a big salary), and he never met anybody from her work.
There is no medical proof that she is sick. Anyway, they went to my house for dinner, and she told me she was still feeling too ill to work. 20 minutes later, she was talking about the new coat she bought (with his bank account), and I made a comment about how she wasn’t too sick to shop.
My brother was very upset and got up to talk to me. I told him my concern that she was a scammer, and he said I was a jerk for insulting her and thinking she didn’t love him. They left, and he refuse to talk to me anymore. I don’t know if I should apologize.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Any white-collar job is going to FMLA or some version of disability. It’s a complete lie she’d have been dropped right away. It would be horribly illegal to do that, and it would be a very long process.
She would also have a sizable 401k even if she had no “savings” simply by virtue of stock options from her company.
My brother had his work pay for half a year of hospice long after he could no longer work. And he was a substance addict, so it’s not like he was ‘protected’ or anything.
Anyone genuinely in her situation would definitely feel too ashamed to buy luxury items with their man’s card.
This was a high-paid executive who’s now completely fine and PROUD of spending her man’s salary.
Bull.
Freaking.
Crap.
Do a background check.
This could relate to your business. Don’t mess around.” TentacleHydra
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Please let me explain.
I think you’re right. She is scamming him. It’s because I think you’re right that I think you screwed up.
You should have put aside your little sarcastic comment, and you definitely shouldn’t have chosen that moment (when he’s mad at you for picking on her) to tell him you think she’s scamming him.
You should have put aside your momentary irritation with her and found an opportune moment (shouldn’t be too hard since you run a business together) to share your concerns.
Ideally, you should have done a background check on her, so that you had some solid evidence to present.
In that situation, he’d almost certainly be hurt and angry, but he wouldn’t be able to dismiss it as his sister being mean and angry at the moment.
Now… good luck getting him to think reasonably about this.
So, YTJ because you chose a terrible way to talk to your brother about an incredibly important and difficult topic, so much so that you might have made it harder for him to see reason.” TeachlikeaHawk
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
I totally get your stance. And kudos to him for standing up for his girl.
However. It was crappy of you to assume rather than to talk to her mono e mono. There’s no reason why you couldn’t talk to her. It very well could have been something like she wanted to be with him but was afraid because she didn’t work as good of a job or (my personal opinion based on post) she could be a gold digger.
I really think you should have talked to her first if your intentions were pure and to help and not to be rude and crappy. Communication with the person in question prior to the sibling prevents a lot of unnecessary hostility.” lssbrd
I very much believe the girl is a scammer trying to take OP's brother for a ride.
All the red flags are there, and the story she's putting out makes no sense.
Besides that, OP has every right to be concerned about this.
They co own a business with their brother.
And if she is a scammer trying to take the brother for everything he's got, that could mean even weaseling her way into gaining access to business funds or pressuring the brother into embezzling money from the business. So I can't really blame OP for being concerned not only from a personal standpoint, but a financial one as well.
4. AITJ For Telling My Step Daughter That I Don't Care If She Doesn't Like Me?
“My 16-year-old stepdaughter has been going through a rebellious phase. She is rude to everyone in the house. She often brings up her late bio mom to insult her dad and me.
She has a counselor and is doing a bit better now, but she is still very rude to her siblings.
She called my son an idiot who won’t ever get good grades. I told her not to bully her brother and told her to go back to her room if the best thing she could do with her free time was tearing down a 7-year-old. She didn’t even look at me, and I told her being this rude to a child who looked up to her was beyond cruel.
She started to talk about how life would be better if her mom was here, and she never liked me, and she didn’t care for my attempt to guilt me.
I was at the end of my wits and snapped that I didn’t care if she liked me; I just wanted her to behave well.
She took it very badly, and she was very hurt by it. She didn’t say a word more and went back to her room. I tried talking to her, but she didn’t open the door. She didn’t even come out for dinner that day. She is not speaking to me or spending time with her siblings.
She is usually a sweet child who has bursts of mean behavior. It breaks my heart to see her distance from her family.”
Another User Comments:
“I think it’s too early to make a call because you’re still in the middle of this fight.
First, a 16-year-old, developmentally, is trying to gain independence and figure out their place in the world.
They test boundaries. They try to see how far they can push you away without you actually going away.
When they have a dead, idealized parent, it becomes easy for them to say, “Everything would be better if Mom were here.” That’s not really about you. It’s about her grieving again as her brain continues to mature.
She understands more about her loss with each passing year.
You don’t have to compete with her dead mom, either. For your stepdaughter’s sake, it costs nothing to say, “I love you so much, and I wish you could still have your mom, too. It’s unfair that you lost her so early in your life.”
So you’ve said you don’t care if she doesn’t like you. I’m guessing that there are a lot of clauses attached to that. You don’t care if she doesn’t like you, but you love her and want the best for her. But you want her to love and respect her siblings.
But you want her to treat people with kindness, even when frustrated, because when you upset people it’s hard for them to treat you kindly in return.
You gotta get those buts out soon, so she doesn’t internalize what you said as “I don’t love you.” If you leave it alone and don’t fix it, then you would be the jerk.” Hekili808
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Welcome to the dark side. The teen years can be rough. It’s that period when they are trying to assert their independence and be an adult.
It’s easy for parents to come back with “I don’t like you” or “I hate you, too” because at the moment you don’t like them and how they are acting.
At least you didn’t say those things because no matter how badly they behave, they still want to be loved. “I don’t care if you like me” is close though because it’s the “I don’t care” part. You do care on so many levels: you care she’s acting like that; you care she’s treating her siblings like that.
She needs to know you do care and you do love her.
So how can you give her more independence and make her feel like she is valued? Will she go out with you on a special outing? Do something special? If so, take her out, treat her special, and have a heart-to-heart talk.
Tell her you love her, but you miss her old self, the kinder, sweet self. Ask what can you do to make her feel like she is a valued member of the family? She’s feeling unloved for some reason. She keeps bringing up her mother who would have, of course, loved her perfectly if she was still alive.
What is missing? What does she need emotionally? Her hormones might be raging. Also, check food allergies and sensitivities: caffeine is a horrible instigator of mood swings and rage episodes. Sugar is second worse. Junk food, too. It totally screws with teenage brains. She probably has no idea why she’s feeling the way she does and she might confess that.
Counseling will give her an outlet but unless that info comes back to you, you won’t know how to go forward to curb the tantrums and outbursts.
P.S. Eventually she’ll grow out of it… Just survive until then. And don’t let her manipulate you. Sometimes with heart-to-heart talks, the kids think they can manipulate.
Don’t let that happen, or you’ll lose all control.” DerangedDesign
Another User Comments:
“ESH. But I don’t think what you said was really that bad, and her being cruel to a child is definitely pretty bad. What you said was true, but I bet the tone was what hurt her.
She’s also now proving something interesting: that she cares about you and what you think of her.
I’ve seen a lot of kids act out in ways that seem to test the adults around them. Testing adults to see if they will crack, if they will still love them, etc.
I think this incident is a relatively small blip in your relationship with her. I think you can continue, every day for years, to show her that you aren’t ever going to replace her mom, that you want her to honor her mom’s memory, and that you’d like to have your own special relationship with her if you can, and that you value her a ton.
Also—maybe all discipline and “talking-tos” should come from her dad. It would be optimal if you could just be a warm presence, not someone who has to constantly lay down the law.
Maybe writing her a letter (something she can hold on to and look back at) stating that you do care a great deal about her would be a good idea.
Good luck!” CherryWand
3. AITJ For Telling My Neighbor Not To Use My Private Parking Spots Even If I'm Not Using Them Currently?
“So, my family (my partner 38F), (son 18M), and I (42M) recently moved into a new apartment.
The apartment itself is an upgrade in size, but the biggest appeal for me was the two parking spaces that came with the rental. It includes an indoor space and a tandem outdoor space. One of my neighbors has the same. He frequently uses a third spot for his business vehicles.
He has two company cars and a personal car. When I introduced myself, I told him that despite not owning a car just yet, I will be getting one. My previous apartment offered no parking, and I chose not to buy a car in order to avoid the struggle of looking for parking every night.
For the first month, I noticed he was using both my spots. The indoor for storage, and the outdoor to park his car, or that of his guests. I remained quiet because I didn’t want to start anything, so soon after moving in, and I wasn’t using it for storage, or having any guests until we were a bit more settled in.
Eventually, I approached him about me wanting to store some stuff on my spot and asked him to leave my outdoor space open, since I would be occasionally expecting guests who I wanted to accommodate with off-street parking. Days later, I noticed his car in my spot again. This went on for a few nights.
My girl’s brother came over and was forced to look for street parking. I addressed it once again. When I told him my guest had to look for parking elsewhere, he seemed unapologetic. I told him that even if the spots remain empty a majority of the time, that I would appreciate it if he does not feel free to use them.
He offered me his number so that I can call him if I ever needed him to move his car, but I refused and explained how I didn’t feel that I should have to ask anyone to move out of a spot that is included in my rental agreement. He tried to push the “Just give me a call, it’s no problem” bit, but I told him no. The way I feel is he has 3 spots, and it’s not my issue if he cannot manage those spots efficiently.
He uses his indoor space for his business and storage. I do not want him getting used to using my space whenever he feels just because I’m not using it yet. He did not seem too pleased with me not accommodating him. I feel perfectly justified. AITJ? He seems to think that I am.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, they are assigned to your apartment, correct? The building ought to have each long-term vehicle plate registered with the apartment and spot it belongs with.
If he needs additional spaces above what came with each apartment, he needs to arrange that with manager and pay for each additional spot.
Then they’re your spots to do with as you please. Seeing as there is no written sublease agreement between you, them, and the landlord for them to use one or any of your spots, they have zero right to be in there.
You have every right to bring in the building manager about the usage.
Document with photos when they are parked in your spot. Technically, it’s entirely within the building manager’s rights to have them towed at their expense out of your spot after (generally) 2-3 warnings and being asked to move.
Legally, if the spot’s assigned to your apartment, they’d have the plates of the vehicle assigned to it and any knowledge of guest passes.
Your mileage will vary, check your lease, speak with the building manager.” pineapples_are_evil
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and the fact that you aren’t confident about this is a big contributor to why this guy is pushing so hard. “Even though it’s mostly empty,” etc… Don’t make your argument sound weaker for no reason.
Your argument is 100% bulletproof, and if you act like it, I think you’ll be better off. “Are you really still suggesting that you should get to park in my spot whenever you’d like? That is not reasonable. No.”” iwanttoquitposting
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you should take his number.
Call him every time you see his car in your spot, and ask him to move it. Do not get drawn into conversations about why you “need” it at the moment… You are under no obligation to justify your plans to him; you are simply reminding him that he does not have permission to use your spot right now.” DinaFelice
2. AITJ For Requiring Female Staff To Wear Makeup As Part Of Professional Work Attire?
“I (33M) have recently purchased and run a high-end bar. I want the venue to maintain a certain standard and image and therefore require my staff to wear professional work attire as the uniform. As with professional attire for most fields, this includes female staff wearing makeup. This is the image of my bar that I want my guests to experience.
I see no issues with this, and when I worked hospitality when I was in my early 20s, female staff were always required to wear makeup, no dramas. I clearly communicate the acceptable uniform to my staff through the style guide I provide every few months.
“Lisa” (22F) has decided that because she studied a woman’s course at uni, she’s now more ‘woke’ than us and has made an issue over me requiring the female staff to wear makeup and not the guys.
This is quite laughable to me because, obviously, guys don’t wear makeup for a professional uniform. Lisa on Friday night refused to wear makeup to her shift, and I had to send her home on a busy Friday night. She said it isn’t fair that I have such a strict emphasis on the female uniform when the male uniform is a lot less effort – and that it’s ‘discriminatory.’ She also said if I want the girls to spend an hour doing a full face of makeup, then I can pay the girls for an extra hour and the products.
I laughed in her face and told her my uniform does not differ from professional attire in any industry, and it’s standard for women to wear makeup in professional environments. Furthermore, I am the owner/manager and can choose the attire my staff wears for the bar’s look that I want.
She said her wearing makeup does not compromise her ability to bartend and actually looks less professional when she’s sweating in makeup. I told her there are bars in our city that literally have hostesses dolled up to the 10s, and you’re having a whinge about dressing professionally. Have you ever been to Vegas?
Do you think those girls working hostess jobs in hospitality don’t have to look a certain way for that role? I sent her home.
I was going to fire her if she did a repeat of this on Saturday, but she’d gotten all the girls to wear no makeup, and now none of them will work until I change the rules.
I do need to see if I am the jerk here because it’s Christmas, summer, and I’m short-staffed.”
Another User Comments:
“It’s inaccurate that all other “professional” industries are also requiring a full face of makeup. If it’s so important for the women to have, you better be ready to doll up the men and make them look like prince charming as well then.
Surely the women attending your establishment would fancy that. It would make them look dashing, no?
Anyways, you requiring your staff to take funds out of their own pockets for your arbitrary and sexist uniform standards is ridiculous. You want them in makeup? You better have a makeup room with all the required materials, with accessibility to those who work for you who have skin conditions and sensory issues and any other problems. Better have one for men too, as I’ve said.
With enough time granted for them to get ready.
Also hope this is a troll, considering the “woke” fixation of your post and the hostility towards the fact that a worker of yours is a feminist and knowledgeable about discrimination. Your blatant disregard or consideration that you may be in the wrong makes this seem like the case.
Why come here if you have it all figured out?
YTJ. Remember, they can get another job. You need them; they don’t need you.” AuthorialMandrill
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – your employee is right, your uniform policy discriminates women and most lawyers would agree with her if you decide not to change it to be worded, so it can apply equally to men and women, and your former employee decides to sue for discrimination and wrongful termination.
Even if that weren’t the case, your reasoning is faulty – lots of jobs eg actor, dancer, politician, TV presenter where appearance and presentation are important do require men to wear makeup in order to meet the requirements of the role – and employers who demand this of women should be prepared to demand it of men also.
She hasn’t decided this because of what she studied at university or because she’s more woke. It’s literally because what you said and did was discrimination and (disclaimer for not knowing exactly where your bar is) probably against the law.
Either way, she’s right about sweating in makeup and that you’re a jerk and also that if expensive products of the type that are resistant to sweat and wear well enough to last an entire shift without smudging or running are required, you should be paying for them and allowing extra time on the clock to apply them or touch them up during a shift.” redcore4
Another User Comments:
“You might like the look of makeup and feel entitled to enforce the dress code because ‘your house your rules, but is it really worth losing critical staff during a busy night? Seems like a bad way to run a business personally. Requiring makeup is very outdated, and makeup is NOT part of professional work attire in most professions these days.
Are you comparing your workplace to Vegas? I feel like your bar is probably pretty underwhelming in comparison. Also in Vegas, you might actually make a decent amount in tips, so maybe the hour to put on makeup (which are expensive products by the way) is worth it for those girls.
You are being super controlling over specifically your female staff; it’s creepy. Wearing makeup will not improve their job performance, and by sending them home or firing for being out of dress code, you are showing that you only value your female staff for their ability to titillate your customers and not their ability to do the job.
YTJ, obviously.” IntenselyWhole
1. AITJ For Pushing Past A Pregnant Woman To Go To The Bathroom First?
“So at my job, the nearest bathroom to my office is a single-stall bathroom, cause my office is at the very end of a hallway.
Today while working, I felt like something just happened down there. Looked at my period tracker, and yep, it was supposed to come today, so I thought that must’ve been it. Totally forgot about it.
I made a beeline to the toilet, and at the same time, a pregnant coworker was making her way toward it.
When she saw me, she hurried up, and we kinda arrived at the door at the same time. I made a move to grab the handle, but she got in my way and blocked me.
She said, ‘Sorry, I’m pregnant, and I really gotta go,’ to which I told her I think I just got my period, and I’m gonna make it quick.
She didn’t want to accept that and said, ‘I got a baby pressing on my bladder,’ to which I replied that I might be bleeding in my pants right now. She told me I should’ve watched out for myself better and moved out of my way to open the door herself.
This is where I did a jerk move and used this opportunity to quickly slip into the bathroom myself and lock the door.
I actually DID get my period, so I took care of everything and was in and out in like 3 minutes. She was of course still outside, and I swear I could see smoke coming out of her ears.
She told me I was an inconsiderate jerk and that she could’ve peed herself, and I don’t know the panic of when someone’s tap-dancing on your bladder, and the bathroom is blocked. She also threatened to go to HR over this, but honestly, I don’t know what they’re supposed to do about it.
I do feel kinda bad because peeing your pants is also extremely unpleasant, but I don’t know how long she would’ve taken, and with my flow, 5 minutes can be a long time already. But I mean, I’ve never been pregnant, so I don’t know what it’s like.
I also don’t really know this coworker, like our work doesn’t overlap at all, and this was our first interaction.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ! You knew she was going for the bathroom and having experienced both situations – I would rather have to clean b***d away than pee my pants while pregnant. Especially since she probably didn’t have spare clothing and would have to return home wet and risk a serious urine infection, which is actually DANGEROUS and life-threatening for a baby, if not treated or discovered. And the b***d was already there, who cares if it had to stay there a few more minutes?” AngelTitania
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, a major one in fact. She was already closest to the bathroom, and you knew in advance your period was due any time. The responsible thing to do would be to wear a liner in anticipation, especially if you keep track of your app when it comes.
As a former HR officer, if I had an employee tell me she was pushed aside while trying to get into the bathroom while pregnant. You bet your butt it’s going on your employee record. Pregnancy discrimination is no joke, and there are multiple issues that could have happened if she peed her pants.
First off, there is an increased risk of infection; pregnant women have a lower immune system to protect the baby. She could have gotten a UTI which is life-threatening to her and the baby. Second, she would have peed her pants, which is not only embarrassing, but she would have had to leave and change due to your aggressive behavior (costing company time).
Thirdly, have you ever been pregnant? Bladder control gets worse the further into pregnancy you are, and more so if this is your second plus pregnancy. You could have sat in period b***d for a minute; it doesn’t take long to pee. Again, totally preventable if you were responsible and just wore a liner.
If I were you I’d go back and profusely apologize to her for your actions, and if you feel like your pride is too high, I hope you get reported to HR (or shamed at your workplace. Seriously, did you grow up without manners?)” Accurate_Banana6221
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Honestly, I have no idea what HR is supposed to do either. It’s not your job to ensure that pregnant coworkers have access to a bathroom whenever needed. I’m pretty sure it’s your employer’s job to make sure that employees have access to what they need access to. I think both of these things are urgent – obviously, nobody wants to wet themself, and nobody wants b***d all over everything.
B***d is also notoriously hard to get out of anything and ruined clothes can be expensive to replace. I think it’s a personal decision to get pregnant. Absolutely it is nice to rely on the kindness of others throughout the pregnancy for life to be easier, but it’s not as if you could control your period, and honestly, I think bleeding or peeing through your clothes, both would suck and require a trip home.
Nobody would laugh at her or bully her for wetting herself while PREGNANT, although they probably would’ve looked at you a little funny for not allowing her in the bathroom. At the end of the day, my NTJ stands because I believe it’s genuinely not your responsibility to worry about what she requires while on the job – that’s all on your employer.
You both needed the bathroom at the same time, you happened to go first, she had to wait 3 minutes, she didn’t pee herself, the world didn’t end.” ickybird
Ickybird, I seriously wish you to get cut in front of in every single line you stand in for the rest of your life.
Also -- mothers. Why would my mother continue to welcome my abusive ex husband into her home after she knew he had abused me? YOU figure it out. I can't.