People Ask If They're Despicable In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
23. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Aunt Stay In My House?
“I (22M) invited my parents over for a couple of weeks for Christmas and they wanted to invite my aunt (53F) to stay with us for about a week without telling me until the day before she came.
My aunt is a junkie that has been living in and out of jail for most of her life and has been an addict for almost all of her life. She begs for money from other family members including my parents and she still smokes.
So my parents told me a couple of days after Christmas and I was furious that they didn’t talk to me about inviting someone over to MY house without talking to me and for it to especially be her. I insisted that she didn’t stay and my mother (47F) tried to convince me into saying yes by saying that she was already on the way over here and it would mean a lot if she did stay with us and that she was trying to make amends.
I still insisted that she didn’t visit and explained that she stole thousands of dollars total from various family members and has done the same thing before when she tried to make amends while still an addict. My mother stormed off angrily.
The next day comes and she shows up at my front door at around 8 AM, which I was still asleep at that time, my mom let her in and showed her to the ‘guest room’ which was the living room couch turned into a bed. When I woke, I saw her smoking in my kitchen and my parents making breakfast. I yelled at her to get out of my house and told my parents to leave for still letting her stay at my house.
Was I in the wrong for kicking her and my parents out of my house?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They didn’t consult you, they just made the decision she was staying. When you found out you repeatedly said no and they argued with you.
You gave very good reasons why not and were adamant she was staying and even though you said absolutely not they let her in! Talk about total disregard and stomping all over your boundaries! Your parents have absolutely zero respect, or regard for your needs, wants, desires, thoughts, etc. Your opinion means absolutely zilch and they feel free to make their own rules in your house.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It sounds like you need to have a conversation with your parents and help them understand that you are your own person. You have the right & responsibility to own your emotions. You have the right to manage your relationships on your own schedule & in your own time, and that does not involve them.
You feel strong and powerful to make these decisions in your life and stand by the boundaries you set for yourself and those around you because OF THE ENVIRONMENT YOU WERE RAISED IN – be that positive or negative examples.
And we don’t even let people smoke on our property, we make guests take it to public property- the city sidewalk. I don’t care if you are my best friend or my husband’s boss over for a backyard BBQ, even my Mama… take a stroll to the curb before you light up.” Coppervelvet108
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your mother is a giant jerk for pulling this nonsense. Good on you for doing the right thing and telling all three to get out. Anyone else who wants to whine ‘but family is family’ is welcome to adopt those jerks and take them in.” No-End3167
22. AITJ For Not Telling My Family That I'm Not My Son's Biological Father?
“When I (27M) was 18 my partner at the time got pregnant. Then we had my son Josh. Everyone in my family loved him after he was born.
He made my life better in every way possible. Because of him, I had more motivation to put myself through school to graduate and have the job I’m doing now. He’s everything to me so when I found out over a year ago that my ex was unfaithful to me back then around the time she got pregnant it hurt bad.
She told me before she passed away cause my ex was scared I’d find out later and then want nothing to do with him and if that was the case then she wanted to make other living arrangements for him so she could leave in peace knowing he was gonna be taken care of.
An extremely messed up time to drop that info on me and still haven’t fully forgiven her for it. But even when the paternity test said he’s not mine I still loved him, like it was just hard not to love him.
So in the end I kept that to myself, still his daddy, and no one except my ex knew about this. The plan was to always keep this a secret from my family. They have all been hardcore about family b***d being the only thing important.
It ruined some relationships if someone got married and stepkids came along because everyone else acted like they didn’t exist. One of my dad’s cousins adopted and everyone was against it. They loved their first biological daughter more than the baby they adopted. That caused them to also distance themselves from everyone else in my family because the favoritism was so obvious.
My son lost his mom so I was scared they were gonna treat him differently. A while back I was having a bad day, my brother asked me to open up about what was going on with me. Right there is where I messed up but at the time I was just so sad that it felt good to let it out after keeping everything bottled up.
Of course, he got mad and he told everyone else. My whole family knows that I’ve been lying to them and they’re all super mad at me.
My mom hasn’t stopped calling me crying how could I trick them like this?
As in playing with their emotions making them care about non-family instead of being honest to them from the moment I found out. They should be allowed to decide who they want to be family and it’s not my right to trick them into thinking he’s their grandson.
Idk this is exactly what I was trying to avoid because now they are saying to leave him with his real family, but also they seem so hurt about the lying. It’s a messed up situation and I’m just so tired. AITJ for lying to them?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your family is using ‘b***d’ as a weapon – dividing the world into them and us. This is not right, it is not healthy, and it is cruel. Your son is your son because you made a family with him – sometimes the best families are those made by choice instead of b***d.
Stick with your son… let him know about his bio father when it is appropriate, and walk away from the battle with your b***d family. They aren’t worth the work and you won’t break through the hate.” Quiet-Essay-9268
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ at all. Your son is your son. You raised, loved, and nurtured your son, and I’m sure you’ll continue to do so. You found out late, but b***d or not he’s your son. I think you should stand up to your parents and perhaps give them an ultimatum.
They must love him, and you, as equally as b***d otherwise they are not welcome in your life. Your son does not need this toxicity, and neither do you. You sound like an incredible father and I know firsthand that my step did way more than my b***d ever did.
Love is love and it is unconditional. It’s their choice. You are in control, seize it and be the daddy that your son needs, I know you are already, but our children will always be more important than our parents.
It’s their loss.” tenaciousofme
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your family is messed up. Your brother overstepped so many boundaries when he spread something that personal. A family should love its members no matter what. This b***d bond is a really weird obsession in my opinion.
You didn’t love your son any less when you found out and neither should they. If they can’t understand it, then they don’t deserve your son.
You were right in your decision because it’s something that concerned you and your son.
Keeping it to yourself or telling your family is both okay, as long as you or your son make that decision. Protect your son from people who think otherwise or who love him less because his b***d doesn’t match.
That’s weird and makes zero sense.” materialgurlemi
21. AITJ For Not Inviting A Friend On Vacation?
“I (26F) am planning a vacation with my significant other for the beginning of next year. We have invited two friends and both of our parents. Normally I wouldn’t invite our parents, but the main reason for inviting them is I am proposing while on vacation and I want our families there for the occasion.
I purposely did not invite one of my friends for several reasons. She is unemployed with no intention of getting a job. She is in a lot of debt and has no money for bills let alone $1,500+ for a vacation.
A while back, she found out about the vacation and immediately invited herself and her partner whom she’s been with for only a few months. Ever since she’s been in this relationship, she constantly compares our relationships and treats everything as a race, even though I have been with my partner for over 3 years.
After I had come out with my plan to propose this trip, she told our two other friends that are going on the trip that she wants to be engaged by the beginning of next year, which is when the trip is.
I now have this feeling that she is going to have her partner propose on this trip as well.
I know I’m going to likely lose a friend over this, but I am telling my friend that she is not invited. As selfish as it sounds, I don’t want anyone to take this milestone away from my partner and me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. All of the issues you’ve described experiencing with her are personal issues she should have been and should be working on. Definitely make certain she knows she is not welcome, because this trip is for people who support you and your partner, and she’s not one of those people.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You planned a trip and invited two friends and family that you want there – it’s your plan, and you get to spend that time (and all the budget you put into it), the way you and those going want.
People do not get to include themselves in your time, vacations, or moments.
‘I know I’m going to likely lose a friend over this, but I am telling my friend that she is not invited.’
Not invited and never was – if she cannot respect your statement on this, how can you expect her to respect this special trip/moment?
A real friend would understand this, but I don’t think that she is a real friend and not a big loss.” Jaylloyd24
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She wasn’t invited to begin with. Put your foot down now.
Tell her she can organize her own vacation and invite who she wants.
You should not have told her about the proposal, she’s not a great friend if she treats you this way and is so bossy.” User
20. AITJ For Not Helping My Pregnant Roommate?
“I live in the dorms and got a new roommate this semester because my old one went home. I had never met her before she moved in. She’s currently 6 months pregnant and wants me to do more for her than I want to.
We aren’t friends but because we share a room she says I should support her more.
After she moved in I noticed the food from my little fridge (that I brought from home) kept going missing. I confronted her and she admitted she ate it but said it wasn’t her fault because she was hungry.
I got a lock for the fridge and she’s been really cold ever since. Then she got mad because I had a bad day one day last week so my partner came over (during the hours we can have visitors in the dorms) to watch tv and he gave me a back rub (over my clothes) and she kept talking loudly about how she needs a massage.
After he left she tried to tell me I needed to give her a massage and rub her feet because she was hurting but I refused because we aren’t close enough for me to want to touch her. Then she tried to tell me I can’t have him over but I don’t see why she gets to set the rules.
Then over the weekend, she wanted me to get food for her when I was studying and was mad when I told her to door dash or something. Last night she woke me up because she was having food cravings and wanted me to drive to the store.
The only one open at that hour is about 30 minutes away. I refused and she’s been complaining all day about how I’m a jerk for not supporting her. Am I the jerk for not doing stuff for her?”
Another User Comments:
“Assuming you didn’t knock her up, NTJ.
Wanting back rubs and somebody to take care of her is somewhat understandable at this vulnerable time, but it’s not your responsibility. You can show some basic human kindness and understanding (if you’re going to the store offer to grab her stuff too if she provides money… if you split chores around the dorm trade to take on the ones that require bending over which may be difficult for her at this point, etc).
But that’s trading chores not just taking everything on.
Next time she asks for something like that it’s fair to say ‘I’m just your roommate, we don’t have that kind of relationship. You should talk to your own friends and family for that kind of support and if that’s not possible, talk to student services’.
It’s not that kind of relationship and that’s fine! Just strive to be a good roommate and that’s all you should worry about.” Errvalunia
Another User Comments:
“Taking your food is stealing. ‘I’m pregnant,’ does not absolve her of that fact.
Beyond that, you’re a roommate, and you never agreed to help or take care of someone else, or their baby. The fact that she chose to get and remain pregnant does not magically make her your responsibility. She’s acting like you’re her partner, and owe her assistance.
This is NOT the case.
Roomie reeks of entitlement, which will likely only get worse as her pregnancy progresses. What happens when she has the kid? Will you still be rooming with her? Because if that’s the case I would make it clear NOW that you in no way shape or form are willing to help raise the child.
Go ask for a new roommate.
NTJ.” monsteramoons
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, kind of sounds like she’s using her pregnancy to be lazy. There is no reason she can’t get her own food and she should not expect basically a stranger to do all these things a partner would typically do for her.
Does she not have any friends that can support her? It’s not your place for her to expect these things from you. It’s one thing if she were to ask you to pick up something because she was having trouble bending over or ask you to help carry something that was heavy she shouldn’t carry right now, but she’s taking it way too far.
I would try to set some boundaries and if she isn’t agreeable talking to the school to try and switch roommates or move to another dorm or something might not be a bad idea. I’m sure you have enough on your plate with school.
You don’t deserve that kind of drama you didn’t ask for.” KMich31
19. WIBTJ If I Ask My Mom To Move Out?
“So my mom moved from Texas in December to stay with me and my wife in our apartment. Since moving in, she has kind of taken over our apartment.
She complains that she is doing all the work, but every time we go to do something like the dishes Mom has already done it. She also has a habit of badmouthing my wife to me, saying she is lazy, a pack rat, and dumber than a rock.
She also complains about my wife’s anxiety (she has a severe anxiety disorder) and says my wife should get over it.
The final straw was the other day when my wife and I got into a disagreement, and my mom decided to intervene.
She told me we should divorce if we can’t get along, yelled at my wife, and threatened to have my wife committed to a mental hospital, as well as go back to Texas and go no contact with me if I stayed with my wife.
For context, my wife and I are both females, and I won’t deny my wife can be lazy sometimes. We haven’t even been married a year yet, and our disagreement was about how my wife didn’t care about the environment as much as I did.
Every time my wife and I disagree on something, my mom gets involved and makes things worse by telling whichever one of us she thinks is wrong how much of a jerk we are. My mom apologized to my wife for yelling but followed it up by saying our fighting stresses her out and that stress is bad for her health.
She has a heart condition, so I understand that too much stress could be bad for her heart.
Again, we weren’t fighting, just disagreeing and we were trying to talk it out when my mom intervened. My wife and I are now talking about removing my mom from the lease.
WIBTJ if I agreed to kick her out with her health conditions?
Update: I talked to my wife and we agreed that once my wife gets back from her vacation we are going to give my mom 60 days to get out of our apartment.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. For not having kicked her out sooner when she first started disrespecting your wife, allowing that kind of talk in your home or even giving her the space to voice her opinions when you are having an argument with your spouse.
If you love your wife and value her mental health and the stability of your marriage, you need to sit her down and let her know she has 3 months (or sooner if possible) to sort herself out and you’ll help every try step of the way but her being removed from the lease is nonnegotiable.” shzan1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sometimes couples fight, there are rough patches and you need to work through them, having a bad house guest around who disrespects your partner pointfully as well as your entire house is a recipe for a divorce.
Really, even if she wasn’t threatening your wife all the time, which is extremely material and important for you to consider, she would still be a disrespectful house guest and there would be nothing wrong for you to tell her she has however long is the legal minimum in Texas, to find her own housing.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Find out her budget and give her a moving plan. Then find her a place, if necessary. This apartment is not a home to your wife, your relationship will only withstand the stress for so long.
Any inevitable pushback from mom should be dealt with with a concerned motherly attitude, but be civil (no yelling).
Tell her that you know this place stresses her out, which is bad for her health and heart condition. You feel this environment is not healthy for her and moving into her own space is in her best interest. You only want what’s best for her.
(Lay it on thick)
If she starts yelling? Immediately stop any discussion and respond with ‘Why are you yelling, this is terrible for your heart’ or ‘this is why I am so concerned for your health’ and walk out of the room.” ur_mom_cant_get_enuf
18. AITJ For Leaving The Kid I'm Babysitting?
“I’ve (19F) recently (in March) started this new babysitting job (I have to admit that I’ve had a bit of experience with babysitting (5 years), so this is where I feel like I might be the jerk).
I’m taking care of 2 boys aged 2 & 4, from 4 pm to 7:30 pm every weekday.
Now, usually, they’re complete angels but today the older one was being a bit of a jerk. No biggie I’ve dealt with it before with these guys.
But today was especially bad with the oldest – throwing things, attacking his brother, and worst of all running away. We were playing in the backyard and once it started to get dark I decided it was time to go inside.
They live on the first floor of an apartment block, so there’s a flight of stairs and an elevator next to their door. As soon as we got into the house, the oldest took off up the stairs. I panicked and yelled out to their dad who I knew got home about 15 mins ago (because he told us he was here) saying ‘hey so sorry, (4yo) ran up the stairs and I need to leave (2yo) here.
I’ll be back in a second’. He replied, I closed the door, ran up the stairs, got the kid, and came back down. I was gone for maybe like 30 seconds.
When I came back, the dad was arguing with me about how dangerous and unprofessional it was for me to leave a 2yo unsupervised like that and how I should’ve carried him with me up the stairs.
I said I would’ve if he wasn’t around, and I shut the door so it’s not like a stranger would be able to enter. I also said that I wanted to get to (4yo) ASAP because I know he’s tried to use the elevator before and stairs can be pretty dangerous for a kid.
He disagreed with my points saying that I was still on the clock etc. etc. I just said sorry and left it at that because well, he is my boss.
So, AITJ? Did I handle this the wrong way?
I’d also like to say that even though the dad got home early, sometimes he needs to go back to work, so I stay until the mum is home.
And whenever he is home earlier, he usually goes to his room to relax or whatever he does and I’m completely ok with that (it’s not like my pay is reduced because he’s around).”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Dad is obviously not too bright. Running after a 4-year-old up the stairs while holding a 2-year-old is NOT the best idea EVER. Sounds like he just got bent out of shape because he had to ‘watch’ his 2-year-old for 30 seconds.” SatelliteBeach123
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – but next time pretend the dad isn’t there. You’re still on the clock, behave as you would if you were alone, and take the 2-year-old with you.
Plus you made the dad have to now be alert for a 2-year-old, come out from wherever he was and make sure the kid was being watched. What if he was in the washroom and is now being called out by the babysitter to come urgently because she’s chasing the 4-year-old up the stairs?
It’s a bit ‘panicky’.” tinny36
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, for one it was maybe 1-2 min tops. 2y should have been fine for 60 seconds. Two, you didn’t leave him alone at all. The father replied to you and knew what you were doing.
I can see them getting upset if they just came home and found him alone, but that isn’t what happened. You did nothing wrong here and it sounds like dad doesn’t want to watch his own kids.” KMich31
17. AITJ For Wanting To Stay Away From My Mentally Ill Friend?
“I (F18) have been friends with Bella (F18) for almost 4 years. We instantly clicked although we are polar opposites in everything. I introduced her to some of my friends from school and we became a tight group of 5.
Bella and I were still the closest pair among all our friends. I liked her so much that I even introduced her to my parents and my closest friends who are not in my school. I am the kind to whom friends come to rant and advice, sort of the ‘therapist’ friend and I love doing what I can for my friends.
Bella had a tough upbringing, her mother is toxic and emotionally abusive, her dad left them soon after her birth (because he had another woman) and her older sister had always been emotionally unavailable. I was the first one she had ever talked about all these so that’s the level of trust we have.
My parents have also tried to make her feel good whenever she was at ours. I would talk her out of things and always console her, I have done my best for her. We have had conflicts too, My family is not financially stable so I refrain from hanging out in places outside school and she knows it and yet she forces me enough for me to start feeling guilty.
I often end up feeling awful myself. A friend (Calling her Cinder) found out that Bella has said some awful stuff about her to some other guy and confronted her in the group. Bella didn’t see why Cinder was hurt.
I decided to tell her how it is going to affect everyone now and to place her in place of Cinder and then Bella said some horrible things to me and even told me that it’s over between us because she can’t see us being the same again.
I cried a lot and even wrote her how much I cherished her in a long text and soon she was apologizing. It’s a cycle, she hurts me and then says sorry and I end up forgiving her because I feel like her mental health is already bad and I shouldn’t contribute more to it.
I received a text about how she loves me sm and that ‘Even though you don’t do things I want you to do, you still take care of me,’ and hit me so hard. I don’t understand what more I need to do.
Her trauma is heavy and there’s only so much I can provide comfort for, I am not in good mental health as well and still have anxiety and depression. When I tell her to get professional help, she never ends up doing that even though she has the means.
There’s only so much I can do without feeling drained. Being friends with her seems more like a responsibility than just a fun time. She won’t tell me what happened even after knowing about my anxiety and cuts me off for days just like that and comes back to apologize and rant about it and it’s so exhausting.
She relies on me too much and I am her closest friend. She talks to me about offing herself every time a minor inconvenience happens so, I am afraid that ending the friendship will lead to anything like that but at the same time, I am just so exhausted.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, buuuuuuut, it’s never wise for someone without any training in psychology to position themselves as ‘the therapist’ for all their friends. This particular person is taking advantage of course. But in general, if your identity is being the shrink everyone can complain to you’re going to attract this kind of person.
Break this habit of feeling you’re the only one who can help.” DplusLplusKplusM
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As someone who has been in your position: You are not responsible for someone else’s mental health. You are only responsible for YOUR mental health.
And you can’t help someone else if you’re not in a good place yourself.
Sit her down and explain to her that you want to help her, and you’ve tried as best as you can, but you’re not able to take care of your mental health AND hers.
She needs professional help and you’re not gonna be able to provide it. Let her know you’re happy to support her, but you can’t provide the help that you’re not qualified to provide.
At that point, she can either decide to help herself (you said she has the means to be able to get therapy), or she can victimize herself and try to guilt-trip you.
If the latter happens, then it’s time to cut ties and take care of yourself. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself, it’s just healthy. You deserve to be happy and healthy.
I wish you luck, hun. Take care.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The fact that you describe your relationship as a cycle is pretty upsetting. People will often claim to do better/change, and unfortunately, you have to look at their behaviors and not their words. If she isn’t treating you well and doesn’t care about pushing the boundaries you’ve set, that’s not your friend.
If she actively refuses to get help knowing how it burdens you, that’s not your friend. Friendships are not one-way streets where you use guilt to keep people around you.
It’s difficult to make the decision to cut ties with someone you know is struggling, but she doesn’t seem to care about you or your well-being outside of what you provide to her.
Good luck, whatever you decide.” doobnooboobloob
Let me also just say this outright - if you put boundaries up to keep yourself safe and are not cruel or nasty about it,
if she attempts s*****e IT WOULD NOT BE YOUR FAULT. Do NOT let yourself even consider that. She is responsible for her own actions and reactions, and if she has the means and ability to get professional help and won't do it, it is not your responsibility to attempt to be that professional. If you are truly concerned, tell her family, tell her doctor. Do not take on the emotional burden.
16. AITJ For Comparing My Supposed Shopping Addiction To My Wife's Diet?
“I recently had a sit-down talk with my wife about ‘fixing’ me and my spending habits. I recently got a new contract at work that bumped my salary up an additional 75k, and I splurged on myself. I know I went over budget but I felt good.
So I admit I inflated the lifestyle, and our budget was tighter this month, so when my wife went looking through my credit card purchases she was naturally concerned. I knew I spent a little too much for a promotion, and I expected the talk, but I didn’t expect what came next.
She accused me of having a shopping addiction, that I carry credit card balances every month, and that we’re not saving more for the kids. She then said that my spending is out of control and we’re never going to meet our saving goals if I keep racking up credit card debt (even if it is for points we can use like for our trip to Hawaii which was almost completely bought on hotel/credit card points).
I can get if she wanted to call out the lifestyle inflation and legitimate concern about splurging after getting a huge promotion, but to call it a ‘shopping addiction’ and ‘out of control’ was too personal, especially when 9 out of 10 of our credit cards are under 30% utilization every month and my credit score is still over 760.
I was telling her it was mean to call me an addict and gave her the analogy that it’s the same as if I said she was ‘out of control’ with her diet and that she set goals for herself if she abandoned it for a day or two.
She got really mad that I made a comparison to tell her how I felt about what she called me. Note that I NEVER called her fat, despite her openly calling me an addict, and she was mad at me for implying something that I didn’t say.
AITJ?
EDIT: for everyone getting triggered on the 10 credit cards, here’s the breakdown: five of them with 0% utilization that I keep for the hotel/travel points I’ve accrued (free hotel stays, flights for free, etc. that I lose if I close those credit cards).
Two with less than 5% utilization, and three that I actually use. The three I use have credit balances in the thousands, not tens of thousands, and these have the best rewards plans (hence the low credit limits.)”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – This is a dumb way to argue. You won’t suddenly be right just because you brought up something completely unrelated.
She seems legitimately concerned about your finances. She probably had to build up a lot of confidence to speak to you about it, and you should probably at least entertain the idea that you might have an addiction.
Because 10 credit cards are not trivial, and a 30% doesn’t mean much if we don’t know the actual balances. And what’s up with that 10th credit card? Is that always at 90% or something? She’s worried about a splurge that might take too long to recover from, and is confronting you now not out of the blue, but because she has been worried about it for a while, and this just pushed her over the edge.
And you countered with a dig about her weight. How dismissive and unoriginal.” Sh_Gruen
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, it sounds like she has a point and you need to go see a financial planner to see the long-term consequences of your splurges on your family.
Hitting back with the diet crack was deliberately defensive and mean, probably because you know you’re financially out of control.
‘If I win the bread, I should get a say on how I spend some of it myself, especially when the other option is I don’t get the promotion and nobody gets a raise.’ Uh, WHAT?
So you spend however you want or do you sabotage yourself at work to punish your family? You don’t think your wife contributes to the household doing the budgeting and planning and you DESERVE to go buck wild with the household money?
You need a financial intervention, ASAP.
Eating a cupcake has a lot fewer consequences than $1k at credit card interest rates, dude.” Sea-Mud5386
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
This sums it up for me… ‘we’re never going to meet our saving goals if I keep racking up credit card debt (even if it is for points we can use like for our trip to Hawaii which was almost completely bought on hotel/credit card points).’ If you are using reward points as an excuse to spend, you have an issue.
You’re the example I have always given to my kids… you see two people, one drives a Ford Focus, the other a Cadillac Escalade. Who is wealthier? You don’t know because the person with the Ford may own it and their house, etc and have no debt and the person with the Cadillac may have no savings and may owe a lot.
Maybe you should consider what your wife is telling you. It’s simple math. List down your assets and liabilities, and figure out your net worth. Figure out what your goals are, how much you’ll need for your kid’s education, etc. Are you saving for retirement?
How much will you have, are your assumptions on returns conservative? I assume after you do this, you and your wife will disagree on things… so then have your numbers reviewed by a financial planner. Maybe the company you work for offers free meetings with planners?
Some people are in denial about their issues and one of the common defense mechanisms is to deflect and lash out (like you did), to divert the attention away from the topic at hand.” BillZZ7777
15. AITJ For Not Moving In With My Friend?
“I am a second-year university student heading into a degree with police studies and hoped to get into a victim services career once done school.
During this second year of university, I met my friend for the first time in the 4 years of us knowing each other. We got along very well and very fast and planned to move in together for the next school year as it is cheaper to live in an apartment than on campus.
As this school year is coming to an end I have found out that there is a school near me that offers my degree in fieldwork type degree. It gets me to my job faster and allows me to work in my field while doing school and getting more experience in the field.
The problem is this school isn’t in the same city and I would have to move and I would not be living with her but rather be living with my partner who is in school in the same city.
I love my friend very much and I was very excited to live with her, but my career path is more important.
So am I the jerk for moving away after we talked about living together? She is upset about it and I can understand as we planned this all together but my career is important.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She can be a bit sad about not living with you next year because it was something she really looked forward to. But if she expects you to give up a very good opportunity for a future you are working hard towards to be able to be roommates, then she either has a lot left to mature or isn’t a good friend.
If you aren’t leaving her with a signed lease and refusing to look for someone to take your place, or if you haven’t even found an apartment yet, and if you did tell her about your plans as soon as you started working towards that new school to give her a heads up, then you are all clear.” Slow-Bumblebee-8609
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This is a big deal and if your friend is as dear to you as I hope, she’ll understand. Give her some notice and support her in other ways and I’m sure all will be well!
This is not you leaving her, this is you setting yourself up for success. Best of luck to you both!” Relative-Designer-63
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I can empathize with your friend, they are right to feel disappointed, they were excited after all and sometimes things don’t come out as planned. It’s okay for them to feel upset so long as they are also understanding that your career comes first.” StonkMerkahht
14. AITJ For Ending Our Friendship?
“I (29 F) have a friend (26 M) who we’ll call Ed that is a bit controlling and has insecurity issues, but I have always tried to help him work through things & also tell him when he is being out of line.
However, things have gotten increasingly worse.
It started with Ed being upset because I never talk to him about my personal marital issues. I always believed that any problems that happen within my marriage stay within my marriage. My husband & I don’t believe in telling our friends our problems. During a phone call with Ed, he tells me that he is always the one who talks about his issues with his partner & that I need to talk to him about mine.
I told him I am not comfortable with that. He made a snide comment about how I want to look like the perfect picture couple. I said, ‘No, but Husband and I believe in talking about our issues directly with one another.
We don’t see the reason to tell our friends.’ This led to some back & forth, then I finally just told him to drop the conversation.
Ed ignored me for days. I figured he just took his anger out on me because he was mad about his partner not being more open with him.
Weeks pass & he starts talking to me again. No apology, but I let it slide.
I had found out I was pregnant. Things seemed fine with my friendship with Ed up until the middle of my 2nd trimester. I started experiencing some serious issues with my pregnancy which caused me to go into bed rest for weeks & eventually had me land in the hospital for a month.
During the weeks prior to my hospital stay, I was experiencing some horrible symptoms which caused me to not want to be as social with friends during that time. I wanted to be alone with my husband & family. Although I did not go into full detail yet about my situation, I did notify friends that I was going through some pregnancy issues & that I will be taking a social break.
Everyone understood, except Ed.
Ed decided he would text me about how I am inconsiderate because he has anxiety and going through serious depression. Then he proceeds to tell me that my symptoms were made up excuses to not want to hang out with him or play video games (we’re gamers).
He says he wishes things would go back to the way they used to be when we were teens. I was annoyed and told my husband that I was no longer dealing with it.
Ed already messed up our friendship once two years ago when he decided he wasn’t going to come to my wedding and not tell me about it.
Instead, he had chosen to hang with his new friends who only used him for his money. So, I gave him an ultimatum:
Either he apologizes for the ridiculous things he just said to me and admits he crossed the line or I am done with the friendship.
I happily ended the friendship because he continued to ramble about how it’s unfair to him and how I need to work things out with him, etc. I told him I was done with the friendship. I have not bothered to see or talk to him since.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You know that though. He’s demanding to know intimate details of your husband’s and your relationship. One does not demand. Just because he’s comfortable spewing all his personal crap doesn’t mean everyone is. Instead of his supporting you in your time of need, he’s claiming his needs are greater than yours.
This is not a friend. He sounds extremely needy and an unhealthy addition to your life. Good riddance I say.
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy, hope it goes smoothly.” yesnomaybe123
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
However, ultimatums are a manipulation tactic.
Set boundaries instead. Boundaries are about you not them. I am not keeping people in my life that create this kind of drama from now on. Then if the boundaries are crossed you are responsible for the consequences, go low or no contact.
You can’t tell others what to do, you can only control yourself.” GingerGeeGee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it sounds like he is jealous of your relationship with your husband because he hasn’t found that kind of love yet and because now you are closer with your husband than you are with him.
It can be difficult to deal with your best friend getting in a relationship and your relationship with them changing; however, that is not your problem. These things are a part of life and it is not your fault he is not in the same place in life as you.
Not coming to your wedding would have done it for me, so it sounds like you have given him way more than enough chances to change this behavior.
Congratulations on your new baby! You should enjoy the family you now have and not continue to deal with his drama.
He has some work he needs to do on himself and there’s nothing you can do about it until he is ready to do it.” KMich31
13. AITJ For Walking Out On My Rude Doctor?
“A few weeks ago my lipase was high, indicating an issue with my pancreas. The er doctor urged me to get an MRI from my doctor so this morning I asked for one. I was met with ‘Your ailments are caused by lack of exercise.’ I have too many disabilities causing me to have exercise intolerance, so I told her this.
She then tells me ‘I do not care if you feel horrible, do it anyway, force yourself.’
I have something called Ehlers Danlos, it basically means my body is falling apart lol. It’s not funny, to be honest, but I need a laugh at this point…The doctor starts cutting me off when I’m explaining my disabilities like trigeminal neuralgia.
This is one of the worst pains known to man. None of the medications work on me. Then the irritable larynx syndrome. All of these conditions make it so I can’t live a normal life like most people who are healthier and not disabled.
The doctor started shaking and stood up and yelled at me and wouldn’t let me talk, and said she has other patients she needs to help, and I’m wasting her time now.
My partner didn’t defend me through this, and she apologized to him instead of to me in person for how she acted, and then told me my disabilities are in my head.
I walked out crying and started walking toward the cars outside wanting to jump in front of them. I stopped myself because my mom called. She said ‘Honey you need to report her, mama loves you don’t listen to that doctor, be strong.’
I received an email from the doctor saying sorry, but at the end of the email she wrote this:
‘And don’t give your partner too much of a hard time because it would have been difficult to get in a word with either of us…’
She’s talking about me cutting them both off because they were ganging up on me. I’m going to have a serious talk with my partner about this tonight. So far he’s apologized for not defending me. He assumed this was the only doctor accepting patients and wants me to get help.
AITJ for how I walked out? I threw the paper down that she gave me for a new appointment with her and said ‘I’m done’ and embarrassingly walked out the wrong way so she kept telling me to go this way to leave, and so did the staff.
When I felt humiliated I just wanted out.
I feel like I’m a huge jerk and a difficult patient.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! I cannot stand doctors who act like this and will not listen to their patients. I have met way too many like this.
Yes, they have a medical degree but you know your own body and know when something is wrong. My mom almost died recently because of a doctor like this. She couldn’t eat or drink and threw up everything immediately for 3 months.
She’s overweight so they simply didn’t believe us and put her on psych meds and said it was in her head. She has Crohn’s disease so finally, her gastro doctor said they could put in a feeding tube and she started getting better with some nutrition, however because of all of this she nearly died. She couldn’t wake up for a few weeks after they gave her the feeding tube.
When she finally did she was so weak she couldn’t really move or grasp anything. Her mind was like a child. There were days she didn’t know who I was and kept asking for her mom who passed away about 15 years ago.
(Before this btw she held a full-time job as an analyst for the government and was mobile). It’s been nearly 6 months now and she is still totally confused. I quit work to care for her full time. She can’t sit up.
She can’t feed herself. All because the doctor thought he knew better and she was faking it.
You are definitely NTJ! Find a new doctor immediately and stand up for yourself. Find a doctor who will listen and then test you accordingly.
No patient should be treated like that. And as a side note, it was out of line for her to give you advice on your partner.” KMich31
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m sure you are a difficult patient to a lazy & arrogant doctor who doesn’t want to work with you and your special needs to get the optimal treatment for your complicated, frustrating conditions.
Not everybody is fortunate enough to have cut & dry, well-researched, and curable medical problems. I do not think you are going to be able to depend on your partner to be an acceptable advocate for you in the doctor’s office.
My advice is to leave him in the waiting room next doctor’s visit — with a different doctor. For what it’s worth – anecdotal evidence but there seem to be issues getting referrals or insurance coverage for MRIs lately. Best wishes on finding a different doctor.” NanaLeonie
Another User Comments:
“Easiest NTJ I have ever seen. That doctor was incredibly unprofessional and her behavior was disgusting. Being your own advocate can be an emotional roller-coaster and it’s exhausting, but you are in the right. Find another doctor, that last one isn’t worth the paper her degree is printed on.” ur_mom_cant_get_enuf
12. AITJ For Not Visiting My Dad That Often?
“My (30F) parents got divorced when I was a baby and I have never lived with my dad that I have a memory of. My mother got full custody as is usual where I live, but she has never said a bad word about him or stopped him from seeing me.
We lived like 4 hours away from him and he did visit from time to time when I was a child but I never built an emotional connection with him. Seeing him a few times a year and later barely at all, I knew he was my dad but he was little more than a stranger to me, as I had no attachment to him at all.
Now, a few years ago I moved for a job and now we live in the same town and very close too, like 30 min walking distance. He has remarried and I have two sisters, 26 and 21. They are smart and funny and we get along well.
Now, my issue is, that we are not close at all. I rarely visit even though we live so close to each other and I often feel guilty about it. However, I work long hours and can’t really do anything on weekdays, and on weekends I am either out of town or busy with house chores and errands and also want to have some time to myself to relax.
When I do visit (a few times a year), my dad mostly watches tv while his wife talks to me about whatnot, one sister is usually somewhere with her significant other and the other is always busy with some classes or homework, so she barely leaves her room.
So I go there and for the most part watch whatever they are watching on TV and that’s it.
I want to specify that my dad has helped me financially like he paid for my education (which is a very symbolic sum, like 150 euro per semester), he has also given me money with which I bought my phone and laptop and bought me my first laptop as well.
So I feel like I am being ungrateful by not visiting or calling more often. However, I and my youngest sister were talking one time and she said that they also have pretty much the same relationship with him as I do.
Her words were ‘he has always provided materially but for everything else, it has always been mom’. He is what I would describe as… weird. It’s like he only has two states – calm and yelling-angry. And sometimes it feels like he read somewhere that humans express these emotions and he is trying to simulate that but not doing a great job of it?
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It doesn’t sound like he’s wired for that sort of relationship so it’s possible he doesn’t even see anything wrong with the one you have with him. He may be missing that part that knows empathy etc and your comment that he’s mimicking may be spot on.
If so, that’s actually very self-aware of him to at least try. It’s difficult if he’s not naturally empathetic and it would show a level of wanting to appear like he’s acting correctly.
It doesn’t sound like he’s ever held the fact that he’s been financially generous over your head so it seems like he’s okay with all.
You’ve got a kind heart being concerned that you don’t appear grateful. Sometimes just a card with heartfelt thanks is enough. It’s something tangible he can read whenever he needs reassurance that he’s done okay by you.” sharri70
Another User Comments:
“I’ll go with a soft YTJ
You could make time on a weekend once a month if you really wanted to. Chores can be done another day. He lives really close. Make plans to take him out somewhere instead of staying home and watching TV.
Maybe see if your sisters want to tag along, sounds like they could use the bonding experience with him as much as you could.” Mopper300
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your dad has had a lifetime to form a bond with his child and simply failed to put forth the effort.
Don’t let anyone make you feel like it is somehow your responsibility to put forth the effort, now. This situation sucks but is a result of your father’s choices and it doesn’t suddenly become your job to develop that relationship.” TheRododo
11. AITJ For Arguing With My Parents About The Bathroom Bin?
“I (20f) am at university but come home during the holidays. While I was at university, my mum replaced the lidded bathroom bins with some open-topped danish bins.
As bins go, they are pretty bins that go with her new bathroom décor. The issue is every time I’m on my period (I’m the only one who has periods in my house), these open bins are useless.
I offhandedly mentioned it when I was home for Christmas. Came back at Easter and the bins are still there. To make matters worse, our puppy steals my used tampons from the bin and runs around the house with them.
It’s humiliating having to try and get them back off the dog. My mum saw the dog had done it again and blamed me for being careless and it descended into a massive fight. Mum says that I’m entitled and can’t expect to swan in and change everything in the house.
I think she’s being nuts and vainly prioritizing these stupid bins over a functional bin for her daughter. Am I going nuts or am I being unreasonable?
Edit: Not really to change people’s judgment but just surprised at how many people would class me as a houseguest now.
I guess I’ve never thought of myself as a guest, when I’m home I consider myself at home with my family.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Because your mom blamed you for the dog grabbing the tampons out of the trash when you have no better way to dispose of them other than in the trash, where tampons go.
‘My mum saw the dog had done it again and blamed me for being careless and it descended into a massive fight.’
What would your mother have you do to stop the dog from stealing used tampons?
As the host and dog owner, her dog getting into the trash is on her to fix.
And everyone calling you the jerk have unrealistic ‘solutions’ that are just new problems. This is not your problem to fix, it is your mom’s.
I’m male and I can’t wrap my head around the people who think you did anything wrong when it’s obvious that your mom chose to decorate her home in such a way that it is apparently inhospitable to a menstruating woman that is her own child is her fault when her dog is entirely her responsibility.
She doesn’t get to call you careless for her careless choices affecting you. All you did was menstruate, which isn’t a choice. Her choosing dog-accessible trashcans was a choice. I’m not saying she needs to redecorate to accommodate you, just that the dog taking tampons is the result of her choices, you’re not at fault for your bodily functions.” Thyumos
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You come back as a guest. You expect them to change their house and buy new furniture (though bins are extremely small) for your comfort. Instead, you can always do the little bit of extra work and keep the bathroom closed when not in use, or toss the trash after you dispose of your tampons.” TragedyRose
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because she’s trying to make you responsible for the dog getting a tampon and acting like you’re a jerk trying to reign over the house. She made the house less hospitable for you to be there and can’t even put in the effort to keep one just when you’re around.
I would take that as a hint that you shouldn’t stay in the family home anymore.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Mom should not blame you for the dog getting into the trash. You should do something to fix the problem rather than make offhand comments while a guest in their home (ie.
buy a new bin, close the door, take out the trash when you use it).” idprefernotto92
10. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be At My Significant Other's House?
“I (26M) met with my significant other somewhere and she told me to meet up with her at her place (Keep in mind the following: it’s her mom’s house, and my SO lives with her mom, grandma, and 2 nieces) and from there we were going to go out for a bit.
She kept telling me to come inside, but I was hesitant about it. Her mom has always been nothing but welcoming towards me whenever I go visit. I don’t like going inside because for one, although they don’t bother me, her nieces can be a handful because they’re little kids, and two her mother is always tired (she usually works a 12-hour shift).
Like I said I was really hesitant, and honestly, I just wanted to get out of there. I saw my SO was about to eat and I told her I was gonna go and that we could save going out for next time, and she visibly got upset.
She put her food down and left with me. I wasn’t being rude (at least I don’t think I was) when I told her ‘Imma head out’. I wasn’t bothered or annoyed, but I know after she gets comfortable she doesn’t like going out again.
I said goodbye to her mom and hugged her mom, and then both my SO and I made our way out the door.
We both get into my car and she starts crying and asking why I didn’t want to stay in.
I told her that I didn’t feel comfortable because I don’t want to overstep any boundaries and overstay my welcome, and while I know I’m always welcome inside her mom’s house, I can’t just walk in there and stay there and act like I own or contribute paying for the place.
Plus like I had said earlier, I don’t want to be the reason why her mom can’t relax in her own home. She said ‘my family does it all the time’ and then I pretty much told her that I don’t have the same right as her family does, and I want to respect boundaries is all.
We’ve talked about it and today we are good (or so I think), but I know she was still bothered by yesterday. Am I the jerk for not wanting to go inside and leaving the way I did?
Edit: her family loves me and I love them too, but what I was trying to do was be considerate, esp of her mom.
The poor woman was tired and while I know she was being sincere when inviting me in, she was not going to be rude and say I can’t go in, or tell me not to go in. This is why I try to keep visits short.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
I understand why you didn’t want to go into her house, but it’s weird for the guy to not want to enter the house of your SO’s parents. I have a hard time getting comfortable with my SO’s family too in the beginning but it’s something you need to get past and be able to chill there.
Your SO probably thinks you don’t like it there or don’t like her parents which makes her react like she did. Try to get past this and relax there, believe me, they don’t mind you being there, talk to her parents and wait for her to finish up and then leave, instead of going in and then out of nowhere saying imma head out while your partner is still getting ready.” VitaDor
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ, in your attempt to be considerate you’re being rude to your SO and her family’s inclusion and hospitality. People work long hard jobs and get tired. It’s a thing. It doesn’t mean they don’t want to be warm and welcoming.
Your SO probably feels like you’re rejecting her family.
If you want to contribute, bring fruit or a cake or something next time.
I get the kids are a lot and overwhelming. Maybe put time limits on your visits over, and let your SO know beforehand.
‘I dig your family, but the kids can be intense. Is it cool to maybe hang out for a couple of hours and then split?'” andronicuspark
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Since you won’t accept it is okay to go in.
Different people have different boundaries. Some would love nothing more than to have a guest in their house after a long day’s work. They get energy from it. Others hate it and find a guest to be draining.
I think the issue is.
You are trying to put yourself in her mother’s shoes. But she might have a totally different personality.” Velocityg4
9. AITJ For Waiting To Pay Back My Mom?
“At the end of last month, my dad flew from Texas out to where I was in California to help me move to Georgia. It was just him, me, and whatever we could cram into my 2009 Prius.
A few days prior, my mom insisted on buying new tires for me, since the tread on my old tires was running low and I couldn’t afford them myself.
I didn’t ask for the new tires, she said to consider it a gift.
April 1st (I know, April Fools Day, but this wasn’t a prank) it was about 1 AM, somewhere near the border between California and Arizona; I was asleep in the passenger seat, my dad driving, when I woke up to the sound of scratching metal and a sudden slowdown that was so intense that had I not had my neck pillow on, I’d probably have gotten whiplash due to the airbags not deploying.
I wasn’t sure what happened, but dad’s story is that we were in the far left lane of the highway and our lane was about to end, so we had to merge. But there was a big rig on our right, that kept speeding up whenever he tried to pass them, so we were unable to merge and ended up scratching the left side of the car against the barrier.
The car was still drivable, but we didn’t realize how unsafe it was until a few weeks later when the shop our insurance approved declared the car totaled (the axle was bent, and the driver’s door was stuck shut because of how the car was dented) because the cost of repairing the car exceeded the value of the car itself.
This morning my Prius was taken away to car heaven, and last night my dad told me what the insurance told him: we’re getting a little over $9k that will go towards the purchase of a different car. We get the full value of the Prius because the accident wasn’t our fault.
When my mom heard that the car she had just bought new tires for had been totaled, her first thought was that she wanted to be refunded the $500 she spent on the tires.
Now, as is, the cheapest used hybrid car that’s within 60 miles of my dad’s house in Texas is a little over $10k.
My dad wants to haggle the price so I can afford it all at once without having to make monthly payments, but worst-case scenario, I’ll ask him to pay the difference.
However, if mom demands $500 right now, it’ll be much less likely that I’ll be able to get the car without having to pay interest on financing.
I told her I’d pay her back this summer when my job with a remote summer camp begins.
I don’t want to be stuck in Texas any longer than I have to, and if I have to pay her $500 at any point, I’d rather it be when I have a job and money to spare.
AITJ for wanting to wait until this summer to pay her back so that I can get a replacement car to finish moving?
Side note: the internet here sucks, I need out of this awful place (also my remote job this summer requires a reliable internet connection, and this place DOES NOT have that).”
Another User Comments:
“So it’s not really a gift then?
Wasn’t there any way for you to salvage the tires and sell them, or did the insurance company think that was a no-no?
I think it’s awful of your mother to first say it was a gift, but to then say you needed to pay her back after the car got totaled. I can kinda get it, but not really.
If it weren’t a gift I maybe would’ve framed it a bit differently than ‘I’ll pay you back in the summer’, but rather ‘can I pay you back in the summer, hope you’ll understand’. Though that’s if it was a loan.
NTJ. A bit jerkish of your mother to ask to pay back a gift, but since you don’t seem to really have an issue with it maybe the deal wasn’t as black and white as just a gift.” haveitgood
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – The cost of the tires was included in the insurance payout, and when that money goes to get you a new car, that car will have tires. It’s not like you are taking the tires you bought yourself and selling them.
Your father should be responsible for 100% of the car costs not covered by insurance since he was the one who was not driving safely, tried to outrun a big rig next to him instead of slowing down like he should have, and totaled your car.
If your mom wants the tire money, tell her to take it up with him.” evelbug
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your mother declared the tires a gift. Why she now wants reimbursement for something she gifted to you makes her the jerk.
If you decide to pay her back, do so when it makes sense to you and remind her often that she said it was a gift.” zippykaiyay
8. WIBTJ If I Don't Give My Friend A Discount?
“Two years ago when I was still in university, my friend Elle and I went on an exchange program in Europe but the semester got cut short in 2020. So we came back to our home city earlier than we had planned and we both still have unused balance in our OBB account, which will expire in 10 years.
Around the new year, another friend Jess is planning to go to Europe for an exchange program too and she told Elle and me so we could give her some advice. During the chitchat, Elle and I briefly ranted to each other about the unused balance.
Jess offered that she could use our account balance during her stay in Europe and pay us back in cash in our local currency. I am indifferent about it but since she offered I agreed.
Recently, Jess bought some cross-border tickets with my OBB account and I received an email for ticket confirmation.
I forwarded the email to her and texted her to check her mailbox. She then asked me if I’m willing to give her a 15% discount because she was helping me out by letting me cash out earlier on the balance.
I’m actually not short on cash, but neither is she. And I feel like I might be ok with it if we had agreed on it upfront. But she asking me after buying tickets feels like pressuring me and I still haven’t replied to her.
WITBJ for telling her no?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I feel like it’s not really friendly for her to save funds on a trip you’re helping her finance at your own expense when that’s not what you originally planned. In a way, you should think about it as you paying for that part of her costs.
Would it be a nice thing to do? Sure. Could your friend be trying to take advantage of your kindness? Definitely.” 1smallghost
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ. This wasn’t the agreement and you were fine with keeping the balance where it was, just because you complained, that doesn’t mean you wanted less for it.” Foralark90
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
That’s not what you agreed to and it seems like a slippery slope to agree to it now. Stay firm on what you agreed on and have an honest conversation about expectations now so it doesn’t get confusing later.” Relative-Designer-63
7. AITJ For Not Asking My Sister To Come To My Bachelorette Party?
“I (34f) am getting married next month and last weekend was my bachelorette party. All sorts of dates have moved around in the last two years so while we didn’t intend to have it over Easter, it didn’t bother me.
I had 11 guests in total, my five closest friends, my cousin, and some of my fiance’s family. We all stayed in a hotel but we didn’t all do everything as a big group, most of the evening activities were just me and my friends.
Every activity, however, even the afternoon tea, involved booze to some extent, which none of us were complaining about.
For various reasons, there are many people in my life who we couldn’t invite and it was hard to decide on a guest list, but one of the people it seemed inappropriate to invite was my little sister (17f).
As I previously said, drinking was a big part of the trip and I didn’t feel comfortable exposing her to that. It also just didn’t seem like the right environment to bring a teenager to. I wholly want her, and my brother (19m) for that matter, to be a part of my wedding, but inviting her on this trip didn’t seem like a good idea.
However, she is very hurt to have been excluded. My cousin and I posted about it on social media and she was upset she wasn’t invited. My mother is telling me that I should have invited her, especially since my fiance’s sister (29f) was invited, but as much as I enjoy spending time with her, I don’t think it would have made sense to invite her.
My mother will not leave me alone about ‘making it up to her’. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. She’s allowed to be upset. You’re allowed to have chosen not to invite her. However, I agree with some other commenters saying that you should consider some other fun things to help her feel included, as well.
Ultimately, though, it’s up to you.” musical_doodle
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Obviously, you can invite whomever you wish, but your reasoning for not inviting her is ridiculous. You even admitted that not every guest participated in every activity together.
Booze is everywhere. Can she not go to restaurants because booze is being served there? Sit by the pool because she may see someone sipping a margarita (gasp)? You could have included her, and discussed boundaries and ground rules prior to leaving.” krislankay7
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the only thing I would have maybe done is have some sort of small event that she could have come to, but you said it was a trip so that doesn’t sound like it was probably possible.
I’m surprised your mom would want your teenage sister on that type of trip and I feel like she would have felt excluded anyway considering everything everyone was doing involved drinking which she couldn’t participate in.
If you didn’t explain it to her beforehand maybe apologize for not talking to her about it and explaining why it wasn’t appropriate for her.
I think it would be good to make amends with your sister as she’s 17 and probably doesn’t fully get why she couldn’t be there. Your mother, however, should understand and should have already explained this to your sister so she knew she wasn’t being excluded for no reason.” KMich31
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here… a bit.
Your wedding. Your choices. She should have dealt with it.
As the younger sister with much older siblings, I would have been hurt to not be included. Just because there is booze does not mean you have to drink them.
You could have talked to her a bit beforehand about it. Maybe you did.” hushdrinkcoffee
6. AITJ For Talking About My Friends' Problem?
“We all were friends since 2010 and had a massive falling out around winter of 2019. Our friend group comprised six people. And two friends of mine (Rae and Aiden, not their real names) were the closest out of a bunch. And the tension between them was the reason why we all stopped talking.
They never fought in front of us, but Aiden left all the group chats and stopped attending our meetings. Then we all sorta grew apart.
One of our friends Elle suggested we all meet up and we all settled on the last weekend.
Was very shocked to meet Aiden there since I was not expecting to see him. We all were even added to the same group chat all over again, but Aiden was missing from it. Just thought the dude wants to do nothing with the rest of us and no one even brought him up in a conversation.
The weekend started off very nicely. We even exchanged gifts. Everyone was already very wasted by Saturday night. And, jokingly, I asked Rae and Aiden what caused them both to bury the hatchet since they were the reason why we all fell out of touch.
Rae tried to play it off by saying that mother and father got divorced, and the children ended up under different custody. They never went out, though. At least not that I am aware. However, Aiden got very annoyed at me, saying that it is none of my business, and started bringing up my past relationships.
We ended up in an argument and almost threw our hands before our friends separated us.
When I returned home this Monday, Aiden texted me and told me that I ruined the entire weekend. I am still close to Rae to this day and she’s like a sister to me but never pushed her to give me any answers.
I asked the rest of the group, and most of them seem to be picking Aiden’s side. Only Rae and one of the other friends understand I hold no ill intentions.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“‘Only Rae and one of the other friends understand I hold no ill intentions.’
YTJ even for just this alone. Most people tell you that you were a jerk, but you cling to the minority that understands your ‘intention’. Your intention doesn’t matter. You still did a jerk thing and trying to say you can’t be a jerk unless you meant something malicious is dishonest. You put them in a very awkward situation cornering them together like that.
If you’re so curious you should have asked each of them privately instead of putting them on the spot.
Don’t see why you think this is a funny thing to ‘joke’ about but you were in the wrong for doubling down and fighting about it, coming to ask for people to agree with you, and clinging to the idea that you’re fine cuz you weren’t specifically plotting harm.” blackandwhitepaint
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ – maybe you misread the situation like ‘all was good now’ but apparently they were still in ‘too soon to talk about it’ space. It was right in front of everyone when everyone was having their first ‘reunion’ altogether.
You should have let it happen, and enjoyed it, and maybe talked to Rae some other time.” inny36
5. AITJ For Getting Mad That My Partner Doesn't Include Me In His Plans?
“My partner (22M) never wants to invite me (21F) to any of his plans.
For context, my university does a senior bar crawl for the graduating seniors every semester.
I went last semester with some friends, but this semester I was planning on going with my partner and hopefully find some other friends that are going too. So far, none of my other friends are going or are already going with their groups.
My partner and I were discussing our plans today and he told me that he wasn’t going with me and that he was going with some girls and these frat guys. I was confused because he doesn’t talk to the frat guys often and I didn’t even think that they were friends.
I know the girls and he doesn’t talk to them often and the last time he hung out with them was in November.
This made me upset because he didn’t tell me these plans beforehand and I said ‘Since when are you going with them?
They aren’t even your actual friends.’ I understand this was very harsh to say and he got very upset with me. I didn’t even know that he was thinking about going with these people, let alone that he didn’t even try inviting me to his plans.
For further context, he doesn’t really hang out with anyone except his roommates and me as we all live together. Every time he gets together with the friends I mentioned above he tends to ignore me and fails to try to include me when I am there with them.
I’ve had discussions about this with my roommates and they do not understand why he acts this way in front of them.
AITJ for getting mad that he didn’t invite me to his plans?
EDITED: For context, we have been together for three years.
He has known these friends he is going with for three years as well.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You’re both adults and you should have talked about it. You made assumptions and then fired off on him, but he doesn’t tell you when he wants space away from you.
His canceling plans all of a sudden and ignoring you when you’re out in groups speaks to the fact that he didn’t want to have you there, and he should have said that in a respectful manner if he wanted to say it.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“Mild ‘everyone sucks here.’
‘Every time he gets together with the friends I mentioned above he tends to ignore me and fails to try to include me when I am there with them. I’ve had discussions about this with my roommates and they do not understand why he acts this way in front of them.’
I think you should try having this conversation with your partner first. There’s a lot of context missing here that might change who is or is not the jerk. Have you been together for weeks or years? Do you know any of those other friends very well?
But communication seems to be the main problem. He didn’t tell you about plans and you jumped directly into harsh and controlling language.” Slagathor91
Another User Comments:
“Strangely, I’m waffling between ‘no jerks here’ and ‘everyone sucks here’. You aren’t a jerk for wanting to spend time with your partner, but you are starting to approach jerk territory by trying to determine for him who is important in his life.
He isn’t a jerk for wanting to spend time with other people, but he’s approaching jerk territory by apparently just never talking to you about his plans or choosing to include you in them, and by being distant while you are in public.
I would recommend you try having a conversation with him about your needs. You guys are young, it’s entirely possible he doesn’t see an issue with his behavior, and with another partner, it might not be an issue, everyone has different needs.
I would also recommend you be very careful to stick with I statements – the problem isn’t that your partner hangs out with other people, it’s that you don’t feel you are getting enough of his attention. For now, with the information at hand, I’m leaning toward ‘no jerks here’, ya’ll need to work on your communication a little.” cleanpage4adirtygirl
4. AITJ For Missing My Cousins' Weddings?
“Growing up we had 4 girl cousins who were close in age to me and my siblings, and we were close/had a great time together growing up. We didn’t see each other as often as we’d like but when we did we were thick as thieves.
Well, we’re all in our 20s/early 30s now and kind of grew apart as our lives went different ways. We still like each other and it’s fun to see them every couple of years at an event, but that’s about it.
In the past 3 years, 3 of them have gotten married, and now the oldest is getting married in June. I went to the first wedding 3 years ago, and it was fun, but more to show our faces and see family we hadn’t seen in a while.
The last 2 we didn’t go because one was on Labor Day weekend and we were on a long-planned trip, and the second was on New Year’s and kids weren’t allowed/we had our step-son for that New Year and wanted to spend it with him.
(Is it a new thing to marry on holidays/holiday weekends? Because I found it a little inconvenient lol.)
Now, this last wedding is literally on my son’s (and best friend’s) birthday. Seriously! My luck sucks apparently – we bought concert tickets before the save the date came out for my best friend’s bday and I don’t want to cancel now, so I declined the wedding invite.
Should I have made more of an effort to make it to these weddings despite the inconvenient dates? Because I’m starting to feel like a jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you’ve already got plans/circumstances that meant you missed the previous weddings.
Anybody that wants a child-free wedding has got to accept that the consequence of that is that not everyone that is invited will be able to go. Same as when it’s on a ‘holiday’ type of date as people already have plans.” MrsT381
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I recently got married and several of my cousins couldn’t make it (granted, I am the 3rd youngest of 21 grandchildren on that side and the last to get married, so it was unlikely to get a 100% turnout, lol).
Anyway, I would have loved to see the ones who couldn’t make it, but I wasn’t angry with them. Honestly, the day was so busy, that my husband and I didn’t have time for significant interaction with most of the people there.
I totally understand feeling guilty about not attending, but you have totally legitimate reasons. If you feel so inclined, send a gift with a nice note or even just a card. We got a few cards from people who couldn’t attend our wedding and we loved that!
No gift or money is required. The point of inviting someone to your wedding should be that you care about them and want them to share in such an important moment. Sending your cousin a card letting her know you are thinking of her and wishing her well reciprocates that sentiment.
Have fun at the concert guilt free!” CosmicGreen_Giraffe3
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, people who have their wedding on a holiday are TJ and you should not feel at all bad for skipping those. People who try to hijack a holiday can expect to have low attendance.
The birthday one is also fine to decline since you have already made a commitment for that date.” froot_loop_dingus
3. AITJ For Distancing Myself From My Friends?
“I have two friends (Dan and Sharon) that are married and who live about 40 minutes away. They have a young boy. From the day they moved into their first house the friendship has been one-sided. Even before they had their son it has been one-sided. I had a talk with Dan, prior to their son being born, about him not putting forth any effort to be part of my life.
It’s always me putting forth the effort to go see them. It was a few years, at the time, since he put forth any effort to come to see me. After a semi-heated discussion, Dan apologized and swore he would put forth more effort.
To Dan’s credit, he did put forth more effort but only for a few months.
Fast forward to today. Dan and Sharon have one child and it’s been almost 4 years since they’ve come over. I’ve asked at least 4 or 5 times each year and Dan always ends up saying no. Sharon, Dan’s wife, has told me multiple times in the past that I should come over even if they were not the ones that came up with the idea.
Basically her way of saying I should talk to them about me inviting myself over when it’s been a month since I’ve been over to their house. I honestly don’t know if they’ve ever done that for me. ‘Hey it’s been a while since I came over to your house and I know you always come over here.
How about me and Sharon come over.’ Since I know this friendship is one-sided and I know this is how it’s going to be moving forward, I have started to distance myself from them.
I understand they have a child but I don’t believe it should be completely up to me to keep the friendship going.
I feel that a friendship gives and takes. That being said I understand them having a child makes them less available so it should be me who comes out there a LITTLE MORE. But should it be all me or practically all me all the time?
Should I expect every friend of mine who is married with one child to basically put me on the ‘pay no mind list’?
The fact that Sharon has told me multiple times in the past to initiate me coming over by them, pre and post-baby, and they do not do that themselves seems very hypocritical of them.
AITJ because I’m pulling away and started developing friendships with people who I can count on, who are there for me, and who also put forth effort?
I would like to reiterate that I know friends who are married and have one child have more commitments and it may be a little more difficult for them to come out by me and I should be putting forth a little more effort than them but should it be all me or practically all me?
Is it normal for these types of friends to go almost 4 years without coming to see someone that was one of their best friends? Should I tolerate friends who don’t put forth any effort for years or should I prioritize other friendships for my own wellbeing?
If it matters they do have a great family support system and without even asking their family members would babysit.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I agree that their life has changed with a kid and they default to being home more.
And your ‘inviting’ yourself over is great in theory but at a certain point, what’s the point? You could always say ‘I’m bringing over wine and pizza tomorrow night’ and go from there but it’s hard to ignore some truthful points.
In their defense, it was a terrible year, then a child and 40 minutes aren’t easy if they already drive to and from work. And now you’re far away compared to their new world. Then they have to schedule a babysitter or family to watch the child and it can really mess up their day and has nothing to do with you.
They may not be seeing much of anyone. But why should you bend over backward to see them, make the drive, and feel like you’re disrupting their life each time? It takes zero effort for them to text you ‘want to come over for dinner Friday?’ Even if it’s for take-out.
‘Has told me multiple times in the past that I should come over even if they were not the ones that came up with the idea.’
It’s a nice gesture, kind of how people say ‘let me know what I can do’ when someone passes away.
But it doesn’t hold much weight. Text them and go over, but after 1-2 times of doing so and catching up, you’ll probably be thinking ‘what’s the point?’ I have friends like this that live 5 minutes away. Eventually, I realized they aren’t worth it.
Friends aren’t forever. I have to ask – who is the main friend? Could you invite Sharon out for a girl’s night?” MilkCartonDandruff
Another User Comments:
“These people are no longer your friends. They’re acquaintances at best. This happens nearly every time a friend marries and has a child.
Not only does that child become the focus of their lives, but you’re expected to be just as fascinated. If you saw them more often, that would be the main topic of conversation. It doesn’t necessarily make them jerks (according to general society, I personally find child-worshiping parents insufferable).
But it does mean that the friendship no longer enhances anyone’s life. I’ve been in plenty of one-sided friendships where I finally said screw it and waited in vain for THEM to initiate the next contact. You get over it – after all, they’re not really your friends.
NTJ.” GlitteringMail4848
I have friends who are as dear to me as life, but who I have had periods of up to 5 years where I didn't see them. I have friends who live less than 15 minutes away and who I see twice a year, but consider them to be loved, treasured and close friends. Some people are higher maintenance friends than others. They are all my friends. I can have literally decades between seeing some friends and we just happily pick up where we left off.
Sounds to me likethe fundamental issue is that you are higher maintenance than your friends are. They may well consider you a dear and valued friend and really honestly don't understand what the problem is. I would respond exactly the same way if one of my friends flagged it with me. With all the best will and intention I would try to be better at being the one reaching out, but fundamentally as I don't consider not seeing them to be any barrier to us being friends, and life being as it is, busy and complicated, my efforts would naturally wind down again (and if I had kids even more so). It doesn't mean I wouldn't drop everything and drive 10 hours if there was an emergency.
And yes it is much harder to pack and coordinate 3 people to visit 1 than for 1 to visit 3. And I am very familiar with the distance and differences that my friends who have kids lives have from my own. And honestly, the fact that they want you to come over is actually a pretty strong indication that they want you in their lives.
Friendship isn't a fixed contract where you agree who will contact who and how often.
Do you still value them? Do you want to be around them? Then why worry about who calls who?
2. AITJ For Wanting To Celebrate With My Friends?
“I (34f) have a friend group that includes my husband, Nathan (35M), another married couple, Joe (40M) and Sarah (33M), and another friend, Paul, (30sM.) If it matters, Paul is a widower and we were friends with both him and his wife before she passed away 3 years ago.
We all communicate mostly through a group chat.
Paul has been dealt kind of a crappy hand, and, due to (in my opinion) untreated mental health issues exacerbated by his wife’s death, he is kind of a mess. He has a hard time keeping a job; He is in the same field I am in, and he worked for my company and two other companies–he’s gotten himself fired from all three.
He lost the most recent one in January and has been unsuccessful in finding another job. We are of course supportive of him and cheer him on that he will find something soon. He gets unemployment and has a lot of savings, so he’s okay in terms of finances.
Meanwhile, I have been at my job for about 8 years and have recently started looking to make a change. I have been applying and interviewing since September of last year, and I finally found something wonderful and have received an offer for 150% of my current salary, at a company that I am very excited to work for.
Of course, I was over the moon about this. I received the offer on a Friday, and I messaged the group chat to tell them. I asked the friends in the group chat if they wanted to go out to dinner with Nathan and me that weekend in order to celebrate.
I also told them some details about the new position.
Paul was quiet in the group chat, although he was reading the messages. He messaged me privately and said that I was a jerk for throwing it in his face that I got a new job, when I already had a job, and he doesn’t.
We ended up going out to dinner with Joe and Sarah, and Paul hasn’t responded to any of our messages.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you were not throwing it in his face. You were sharing the good news with friends.
If you had messaged everyone else separately and he found out, he’d be upset for being excluded. I’m sorry that he’s having a bad time, but none of it is your fault or means you shouldn’t be able to celebrate your own achievements.” KMich31
Another User Comments:
“Very soft ‘everyone sucks here’. Here’s an example—let’s say you had a friend who had been struggling with trying to conceive for a few years, and you got pregnant. You want to share the exciting news with your mutual friend group.
Personally, in this situation, I would reach out to the struggling friend first. Maybe saying something like ‘hey I’ve got some news and I wanted to tell you first since I imagine it might bring up some hard feelings for you.’ Do you OWE this type of effort to a friend?
No. But it’s the kind thing to do, and the sort of thing you do if you’re invested in staying friends with someone.
It sounds like maybe you’re kind of over Paul’s issues, and that is perfectly fine.
It’s tough to have a friend who is struggling, and it can get frustrating if you feel like they aren’t striving to improve their situation. How you handled it is fine, but I think his response is pretty understandable too.
You both could have handled it better.” Athnorian1
Another User Comments:
“Hard NTJ.
‘He messaged me privately and said that I was a jerk for throwing it in his face that I got a new job, when I already had a job, and he doesn’t.’
I’ve been envious of the success of others, especially when I was in the past between jobs, but I knew the line between just quietly stewing and openly being a jerk at others being successful – it’s their success, the world isn’t a zero-sum game where someone else’s win is your loss.
In this case, Paul might see it that way (since the two of you work in the same field) but he still has no right to step on you taking your next steps in life just because he’s currently stagnant in his.
You’ve made it clear he has issues, but he’s not earning himself any sympathy by trying to undermine you here.” cavecricket49
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Paul’s reaction was unnecessary but it sounds like you don’t really understand the embarrassment he may be feeling.
Being ‘kind of a mess’ and struggling to support yourself can be hard and having your friends throw their successes in your face knowing you are struggling in that area doesn’t help. I understand wanting to celebrate but perhaps it would have been best to message your other friends and leave Paul out of it.” yourcoffeeboy
NTJ
1. AITJ For Refusing To Talk To My Mom?
“I (14f) like talking to myself a lot. I know it’s weird, but it helps me focus and lay out the task at hand.
I wasn’t able to sleep so I was talking to myself when my sister burst in and demanded to know who I was talking to.
I said myself, but she didn’t believe me because ‘No one talks to themselves’ and took my phone. I don’t talk to myself around my family, so they didn’t know I do that. Well, my mom heard us talking, and demanded I tell her what I was doing.
I told her, and she wanted to know what I was talking about. I said I wanted to keep it to myself, but she wouldn’t stop asking me, so I made something up.
She told about how ‘people who talk to themselves are lonely’ and ‘you’ll be a freak if you keep doing that’ and that it’s bad.
I said that I’m going to talk to myself anyway because no one talks to me, and I don’t have any friends in real life. She yelled at me to stop talking back to her. Then she and my dad started grabbing me and hugging me, and I started sobbing because I was tired and wanted to be alone.
They yelled at me for being a baby.
This happened yesterday night. I’ve been avoiding everyone, and my mother asked me ‘what my problem was’. No one has apologized. AITJ for avoiding them and not talking to them? Or am I just blowing this out of proportion?
I’ve been caught staying up late on my phone, but I was talking to myself this time.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Based on this interaction, your parents seem to lack conflict resolution skills. It’s understandable why you are upset.
That said, I wouldn’t hold my breath on an apology as they don’t seem to think they’ve done anything wrong.
You can try to have a conversation about the misunderstanding and let them know how it made you feel, but I wouldn’t expect much maturity from parents who yell, call you a freak, or say things like ‘stop talking back to me’.
If they were emotionally mature, they would try to understand your behaviors/feelings rather than blame/belittle you for having them.” doobnooboobloob
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Lots of people talk to themselves. Especially when they are keeping track of tasks.
Or thinking things through.
These people lack imagination. Don’t let them make you think that you are weird. And don’t engage in a discussion about it if you can help it. They have been ganging up on you, which is NOT a very mature Mom move, by the way.
I’m sorry that you are stuck with this, but it will pass.” User
Another User Comments:
“I think it sounds like you were really tired, and when you’re tired things seem worse than they are.
I talk to myself a lot too (most introverts I know do), especially with problems…
sometimes hearing the problem vocally helps me process it better. But if you do it too often in front of people, they will think you are weird.
She’s just being a caring Mom that wants the best for you. I would just let this blow over and interact with her more.” SunnyRose57
