People Are Desperate To Know If They Were The Jerk In These Situations
15. AITJ For Eating A Banana Around My Partner Who Has Sensory Issues With Bananas?
“I (25f) recently found out I was pregnant with my partner Lyle’s (26m) baby. We’ve been together for three years, and we live together.
Lyle has ADHD, which he refuses to get treatment or medication for.
He’s pretty normal about 85% of the time, so I haven’t really pushed it. One thing that really affects him is sensory problems. He has a few, but the biggest one is bananas. He cannot stand the smell of a banana or the taste of a banana.
He’s accidentally eaten something with a banana before and ran to the bathroom like a child to throw it up. If we are somewhere and someone is eating a banana, he will claim that he can smell it in the room and make us move with the threat that he will get sick.
If we don’t move, he will start gagging and make himself throw up. This has happened in public before, and it’s extremely embarrassing.
Anyway, let me tell you what happened. I was really tired, pregnant, and hormonal yesterday and while I was watching my show, I had a craving for a banana, which I normally avoid when around Lyle, but pregnancy cravings are just too strong to resist. He was going to get groceries from work, so I called and asked him to get me some bananas because I was having a craving.
He started begging me before he even got them to not eat them in the house, and I just got fed up and told him no, that I was carrying around his child, and the least he could do about it since he’s not the one having to nurture the darn thing in his stomach was get me a banana.
I’d read online that this was probably the baby’s way of telling me it’s deficient in potassium and that all I could really stand to eat at this point was the darn banana, and I don’t want to deprive it of what it needed. He argued back and forth, asking me to go eat it outside at least, and out of frustration, I just started crying, which made me feel embarrassed. He finally gave in to calm me down and brought it home.
I’ll admit, I was still really mad and upset from our argument on the phone when he came home, and I at that moment, couldn’t face getting up and going to the kitchen.
When he came into the living room and sat on the couch, I asked him to peel it, cut it, and bring it to me. I really didn’t think that was a big deal, but he blew up at me and told me that I “knew” it made him “sick” even to smell or touch.
I told him that plenty of people have foods they don’t like, and he either needs to grow up or seek help for his illness because he’s acting like a child and his problem with bananas is completely abnormal. We argued a bit more, and he finally got up, yelled that he was “tired of my bullcrap” and left the house.
He hasn’t been back yet.
I get his issues are a sensitive topic for him, and when I was talking to my friend about it, she said she had an autistic sister and what I did was a bit messed up.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You are pregnant. That does not make you the Grand High Empress of Everything or entitle you to use your condition as an excuse to make other people miserable.
It’d be one thing if you’d asked him to get over his aversion enough to bring the food home, but “torture yourself and prepare one for me” was multiple steps too far. And as for your little “just get over it” lecture, I hope you don’t expect mercy when you hit the part of the pregnancy where you’re avoiding foods, or trying to get your kid to eat, because I wouldn’t be forgetting this any time soon if I were him.” mm172
Another User Comments:
“Sensory issues are very real. NTJ for wanting a banana because pregnancy cravings are real and should be respected. Major YTJ for asking him to peel and cut it when he already brought it to you.
He gave in despite him not feeling good around it. I agree he should not have argued about buying the banana for you and should have left the home or space so you can’t eat it, but you messed up by pushing it too far.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“Please read this, OP, because I want to share some important information from an expert perspective. I’m speaking as a neurodivergent individual who works in autism research; my field is neuroscience, but I’ve also been published on the topic of selective eating and food aversions, and I’m sincerely hopeful that my comment can help you to better understand your partner:
First and foremost, medicating ADHD does not address food aversions or sensory sensitivities; in fact, one thing to look for when starting ADHD medications is whether those aversions worsened, because stimulants can increase anxiety and make sensory sensitivities harder to manage.
You are judging your partner for not seeking ADHD treatment, but you don’t seem to have made an effort to understand what that treatment would look like or what outcomes he could expect.
Food sensitivities can occur for anyone, regardless of neurotype, but they are more common among neurodivergent folks (autistic, ADHD…), likely due to hypersensitivity to sensory inputs. The first thing you need to understand is what these food aversions feel like for the individual because I promise you, it’s even more unpleasant for him than it is for those around him: Have you ever accidentally left something in the back of the fridge for far too long, until it turns into a black, slimy sludge?
I want you to picture how you would feel if you were asked to take a bite of that sludge, or even just watching someone else eat it. Even if you were told it was safe, would you be able to swallow it?
Most people will respond to that thought with an intense aversion; you may even gag just thinking about it, and I’m fairly certain that if you actually did try to take a bite, you wouldn’t be keeping it down.
That repulsion is an adaptive response: we have evolved to be disgusted by any “food” that our brain perceives as unsafe to eat. It protects us from eating food that has gone rancid, it helps us to vomit immediately if we accidentally do consume something toxic…it keeps us healthy.
But in some people, this adaptive process is misfiring: your partner’s brain reacts to bananas the same way your brain would react to a 3-year-old sludge found in the back of the fridge.
Every instinct he has is screaming that this is poison, this is rancid, this is not safe; and even just seeing someone else eat it triggers that intense, instinctive response. Our brains don’t really have a way to suppress that response, because it’s generally more adaptive to just not eat the risky thing.
In some cases, gradually building towards the food and learning that each step before it is indeed safe can help; but being forced or pressured has the opposite effect, creating a negative experience that reinforces the aversion.
The extent to which a food aversion can be treated varies by individual; it’s a very slow, effortful process, and if the individual is able to get a balanced diet, it’s usually not worth the effort.
Some people are unable to get needed nutrients due to food aversions, and they spend years or even decades expanding the range of foods that they can eat. If your partner is having this strong a reaction in adulthood, my guess is that he’s had some experiences that could even be described as traumatic, where adults in his life tried to force him to overcome this aversion; that will make it even harder to overcome, and he can live a perfectly healthy life without consuming bananas.
Ideally, it would be good if he could reduce his response to seeing them eaten, but making him peel and slice it for you is not a way to accomplish that.
Your partner is not being a child; he’s being a human being whose brain processes something different than yours.
Now, I won’t say that means you can’t eat a banana in your home; personally, I’d consider stepping outside while you eat it a pretty small favor to avoid causing him significant discomfort, but those are boundaries for you to figure out together.
But at the very least, you do need to make an effort to understand, learn a little empathy, and — most importantly — not pressure your partner regarding how he should manage a condition you clearly know nothing about, with treatments you clearly don’t understand.
YTJ. Eat the banana, by all means, but it was sadistic to expect him to peel and slice it for you (and what adult needs their bananas peeled and sliced for them???). I’d also note that neurodivergence is highly heritable, and there’s a decent chance that your child will share some of these challenges; you can do a lot of harm, and make it so much worse, if you respond to them with the same (lack of) understanding and empathy that you’ve extended to your partner, so please start working on this before your child needs your understanding.” littlefiddle05
14. AITJ For Only Supporting My Mom And Not My Dad?
“I’m 36, an only child, and from a culture where you financially help parents. Everyone from our culture gives their parents pay proportional to what they’re making. I’ve been giving $1,200 a month (I have a very good job), and this is 10% which is “the amount” that is normal in my family/extended family regardless of income (unless someone is really hurting for essentials).
My parents have supported me my entire life. They paid for private school all the way through high school and then paid for all 4 years of my degree. Both of my parents have worked for my entire life and preached loyalty to the family and parents as the most important things.
I have always tried to uphold this value.
My parents are divorcing. It’s very sad. My father has been having an affair for at least the last two years, if not longer (he’s conveniently “lost” his old phone).
My father repeatedly tried to get my mother back, but it isn’t happening after the extent of his unfaithfulness was revealed.
My parents are now preparing for a divorce and deciding how to split the finances.
It seems it will be a pretty even split as they earned close to the same amount and never made much of a distinction. My mother has told me she is keeping the house and buying my father out but is going to feel the pinch now that she’ll be a one-income household with a mortgage again.
She thinks she may have to delay her retirement a little. My father is likely in the same boat, but I haven’t spoken to him about it.
I had a think about this, and I decided that I’m not going to split the payment now that they are divorcing.
My father was terribly disloyal to my mother, and to our family. He shamed and humiliated us in front of our community after hypocritically claiming family was the most important thing. Why should my mother have to suffer any more than she already is because of his decisions?
Why does she deserve less support than she was getting before he decided to do this? Why should I support his shameful actions? Honestly, I am tempted to give her more.
My father won’t even talk to me now that I have told him I’m giving the support solely to Mom.
I think the reality of his choices is hitting him hard but I also feel like he has to accept what he’s done to his family. I will never respect him the same way.
Predictably, my mother’s family agrees with this and my father’s family does not, so I’m getting hassle from my father’s family to start helping “a man down on his luck” and pressure from my mother’s family not to support “the family man” (my mother’s family has now nicknamed my father “the family man” mockingly).
So, AITJ for choosing to only support my mother and not my father?
WIBTJ if I gave my mother even more than she had been getting because her situation changed?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it’s your finances, your choice.
Your parent chose to birth you, pay for your upbringing, send you to private school and college – that was all their choice.
Your father did not make a mistake; he had an affair for two years, and that was HIS DECISION.
He was disloyal to your mother and a hypocrite. You’re being shamed and will be judged based on the actions of your father so he hurt you too.
Your mother was hurt by your father, is having her life torn apart, and retirement pushed forward all because of the selfish actions that your dad CHOSE to make.
Whether or not you increase your mother’s savings is your choice and very sweet. I’m sure she would greatly appreciate this.
But you owe your father nothing he’s reaping the rewards of his own actions.
If all his family care so much, they can contribute to his expenses. KARMA. You hurt others; life hurts you!” a-_rose
Another User Comments:
“YTJ- BOTH parents supported you, and now you only support one?
I know he hurt your mom, but he helped you when you were down on your luck (paid for your school). You care more about how people view you but not about him.” DialPlumeria
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The cultural expectation exists in order to protect the family. The Family Man (haha) thought he could enjoy the benefits of the institution without adhering to its requirements. In other words: he played a stupid game and won a stupid prize.
Use your finances how you wish for the continuation of your family. You want to keep your mom in the family home, so do just that! Perhaps you want to have kids of your own and want your mom to retire so she can come to visit, if so, send her any amount of pay you’d like!
And if you decide your father isn’t part of your family until he takes responsibility for his actions, so be it. If he’s not willing to do that, maybe he should ask the family of his affair partner for pay.
And I’m sure the relatives who are complaining to you are the ones who often ask your dad for pay. They’re worried their pipeline has been cut off. You know how to tell?
The next paternal relative who complains to you, say to them, “Hey, I heard that dad was supporting relatives and I don’t want to punish them. What was he giving you? I’ll just send it to you directly, but don’t tell Dad about it.” And when that relative gives you a dollar amount, reply, “Ah, good to know what your dignity is worth”, and hang up, block the number, and never think about that person again.” ladytypeperson
13. WIBTJ For Using My Disability Benefits To Pay Off My Medical Expenses Instead Of Buying A Family Car?
“I (24f) had a complex leg fracture several months ago, therefore couldn’t go to work and earn a living.
I currently live at home due to my injury. I’ll spare the family details and get right to it.
Due to the complexity and severity of my injury, I’ve had many, many hospital bills that are past overdue.
I’m also past due on several credit cards as well. This has been stressful and coupled with healing/relearning how to walk, I’m just trying to stay positive. It took me all summer to get qualified for disability benefits but it hasn’t come in yet and I’m not even sure how much I’ll be getting.
However, my mom has this idea that I should help (aka give all the benefits) to buy her a new family car. Now, of course, I want to help because a car helps everyone and the one we have is really old.
But, I want to make sure I pay off all my medical bills and catch up on my credit card payments before giving pay towards a car. My mom has been asking me for several days if I’ll give the disability benefits for the car, but I was uncomfortable replying because she has a history of making me feel bad about not giving her more payment in the past.
Finally tonight I told her how I need to pay my bills first before giving my benefits to buy a car and she got upset. She started calling me selfish because here I go again only thinking about myself and only putting myself first. Then she said she’s tired of my pride and my selfish attitude and how I’m just making myself the victim and it’s not fair.
Mind you- I didn’t even get the disability payments yet, I’m still waiting for it to be finalized. And I was explaining how I’m not even sure how much I’ll get, I told her, “what if the payments are just enough for the car, how am I supposed to pay off my debt?”
She then called me prideful because I didn’t want to ask her for monetary help but considering how she’s paying for rent and other expenses, I didn’t find it fair to spring thousands of dollars on her.
But she took that as me being too full of pride…?
She also said she’s been testing me by asking about the car before to see if I would be selfish or willing to help and said she wasn’t happy that I didn’t give her an answer.
And according to her, me needing to think about it meant I’m fully selfish.
It’s just really frustrating because is it so wrong and illogical to want to pay off my debt first when my family really needs a car?
Please tell me if my point of view or thinking is too narrow-minded here. Maybe I’m being too emotional and am truly being selfish?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
That amount is LITERALLY for use to pay for medical bills and expenses incurred by your injury and subsequent disability.
The whole point is to help offset (or get rid of entirely) how much your medical bills are (my assumption is you’re in the US and that you’re gonna be screwed over if you don’t pay them) and your mom telling you to use it for your superfluous family vehicle (that they probably don’t actually need) is selfish of HER, not you.
It is absolutely wild that she has the gall to call you selfish for trying to look out for yourself when she herself is being self-centered not thinking about her severely injured child.
If, after you’re healed and have a stable income again, you want to help with car payments, then go for it. But until you’re financially stable enough to do so, it’s fiscally irresponsible to use those benefits for anything other than getting out of debt.
At this point just ignore her, BUT be vigilant in checking the mail for the cheque or whatever they’ll use to let you know where the benefits are going. Not that I think you’re mom is a thief, but I wouldn’t put it past anyone to try to get it before you do and steal it for themselves.
And let the people processing the payment know that it will ONLY be you doing so and no one else.” Pishy4
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Jesus, sooo NTJ. You’re in a tough situation because you still need to be living there at the moment, so perhaps the best way to do it may be to physically show her.
List all of your debt and expenses (including future expenses until you can return to work) and then show your mum that, along with the disability payment amount when it comes through… I’m willing to bet there will be no benefits left over for a car purchase or anything else.
That amount is for you to ensure you can meet your expenses, it’s not like a lottery win to treat the family with. You shouldn’t have to go to this level, but maybe if she can see you’re not spending it “frivolously” it will keep her off your back.” Kykyles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Are there conditions on the disability benefits? There usually are on this type of payment. If so, using them for a car for your mother would be fraud, and you could a) lose your benefits and b) get into a great deal of trouble.
Look up what you can actually use those benefits for and then, if necessary, lie to your mother i.e. they can’t be used for anything which doesn’t directly benefit me and a car that I can’t use doesn’t benefit me.
And, mum, they are audited ie I have to supply receipts, etc.” 8kijcj
12. AITJ For Speaking French To My Son At Home, Against His Teacher's Wishes?
“Me (35F), my husband (37M), and our son (12M) live in the UK. We’re a multiracial family, I’m Asian and settled here for the last 16 years, and he’s White British.
I’ve always grown up multilingual and speak 6 languages, and wanted to raise my son in a bilingual family as it’s benefited me a lot growing up – my husband was keen to do so too.
My “native” language has a different script and grammar system and my husband isn’t great with languages so it would have been really hard for him to learn. One of my second languages however is something taught very commonly across the UK (think French/German/Spanish… we’ll go with French here) and my husband has a base in it, so I taught him a lot more and it became our family language.
So my son, Theo, grew up speaking English and French. No issues, he’s always done very well in English at school, and now in secondary school, they’re taking a mandatory language he’s elected to try out, say, Spanish, as something new.
We’ve always been this way: speaking English in public and at school, and French among us three at home. He’s doing well in Spanish too now. Add no communication barriers at all, FYI, my side of the family speaks fluent English.
Theo struggles with maths. He’s 12, most kids struggle with something, and finding math hard is common at that age. Except his math teacher discovered he speaks French at home and has decided that’s the reason he’s not seeming to understand the formulas she’s teaching.
She called me in at the end of the last school year to tell me off for speaking another language to him at home, blaming me for his “confusion” because “of course, he’d be confused with all the languages flying about”.
I tried to establish that he only speaks French and English, he can learn the Asian language later if he wants to, but that our house isn’t exactly the tower of Babel. She then b*******d me for teaching him a language we were not “native” to, calling it akin to cultural appropriation.
She moved Theo down a set for maths, and said she would not consider moving him back up unless we spoke only English to him and “did our best”.
I’m confused: Theo speaking a second language has only ever benefited him, and I can’t see why it would make him find math hard – we asked him and he said he has no clue what the teacher was on.
He also said he wants to speak French at home and got upset at the idea of not doing so. He is 12 and spoke it all his life, it’s not like he’s going into daycare not speaking English.
I also fail to see how it’s cultural appropriation: neither of us are French or lived in France but it’s a commonly spoken language and we’re fully aware that we don’t speak it “natively” and don’t pretend to.
Basically, AITJ for my husband and I speaking French to Theo at home even though his math teacher claims it’s spoiling his education?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
What the heck? Firstly, math is numbers, so language should not be as much of an influence as in many other subjects (I mean, how does he do in English class?
I assume fine given it isn’t referenced here). Also, some people just don’t get certain subjects. That’s not his fault, it’s just not what is brain naturally does. He just needs to work a bit harder than some of the other kids who will be naturally talented.
I’m a teacher, an English teacher, and typically students who are multi-lingual tend to do better due to a more defined understanding of grammar. Learning another language has been shown statistically to have only a minor impact (at most) on learning development, and in the long term tends to actually show benefit.
Sounds like this teacher isn’t actually that good (might be getting some flak from higher-ups for bad results) and is clutching at straws to blame something other than herself.
Also, the crap is she on about it being cultural appropriation.
It’s respectful to learn the language so that you can converse with speakers from that language background in their own language. It’s an incredibly self-centered worldview that expects everyone should just speak English.
The teacher also has no right to raise your child (especially when, as stated earlier, she’s just plain wrong).
Make a complaint to the school. This is highly inappropriate on just so many levels.” Blake_Raven
Another User Comments:
“Report the teacher. They are being racist. Send an email to the school’s headteacher and another the board of governors, detailing that your kid’s math teacher moved your kid down because he’s growing up in a bilingual household and said that he would only be moved back up if the household converted to English.
And then the teacher berated you for your house being bilingual in a European language instead of the language that they presumed your heritage was in. And you’d prefer if your kid was moved down a set in a math class based on their merit not anything else.
NTJ.” excel_pager_420
Another User Comments:
“I am a child of a bilingual household. My whole childhood we only spoke Spanish in our home. Which I am so grateful for, it is a beautiful language and opens the road to many job opportunities.
I work in healthcare in the U.S. and it brings me fulfillment knowing I can reach and help more people. English was spoken at school, and I took language classes for Japanese.
I had no problem dealing with coursework. Except math but only because it was my least favorite subject. You’re doing a great job with providing a loving & supporting household. Please address this teacher for your child’s sake.
The world is a vast place and it’s terrible to have to be dealing with xenophobia.” SierraL_
11. AITJ For Not Helping Pay For My Sister's Bridal Shower?
Budget needs to be cut somewhere. Big time.
“My (30F) sister (30F) is getting married in a few months, and the wedding is… elaborate.
She already lives paycheck to paycheck in a rented single-wide (not knocking it, I’m just saying that what she’s able to afford is pretty modest), and I’m fairly positive several of our family members are stretching themselves thin to contribute to the wedding despite already “lending” her 2k last summer to take her children on a week-long vacation.
She and my mom (48F) have always been much closer, as my mom is my stepmom and her birth mother. Although they never state that as the reason, there has always been a disparity between my mom’s interest, support, and time spent with my sister vs.
me. So much so that it is noticeable to other family members as well. My mom and sister frequently gossip about me as though I am an acquaintance and spend a lot of time shopping and going out to eat together, and although they are very much entwined in each other’s day-to-day, I rarely ever see them outside of major holidays.
There is a lot of family history there involving my mom kicking me out of the house at 20 because I had gotten pregnant. I was in an abusive relationship and barely had the means to feed my son (which I’m not blaming my mother for, I chose to have my son vs.
giving him up like my parents offered to pay for, and I graciously accept all consequences of that choice.)
My sister, despite not having the means AT ALL, had 2 children starting at around the same age, who my mother has always been loving toward and supportive of.
She was not present during my son’s birth and maybe saw him 2-3 times in his first year of life. She had an addition to her home built for my sister, who continued to live there rent-free with her 2 young children until last year.
Cut to now, and I’m actually surprised to learn that I’m a bridesmaid in my sister’s wedding. She never really asked me, and we don’t really talk much, but I was told what dress color to wear, so I bought it.
My mom asks me to go shopping with her to pick out things for what sounds to be a very elaborate bridal shower, but I haven’t had a hand in planning, and if my mom feels my sister should have a huge, fairytale party, I guess that’s none of my business.
I’m just excited that my mom seems to want to do things with me that she typically doesn’t invite me to do, so I think we’ll have a fun day and maybe take some steps toward repairing our relationship.
We get to the counter at the party supply store, cart FULL of supplies, and she does the “hang back behind the line and make no motion toward her wallet” move. I’m so surprised that I just grab two armfuls of bags and head for the exit.
She fumbles for her wallet and pays, visibly upset.
After, she texts me her online cart full of additional supplies (comparable value) and asks me to order that “instead.”
I’m also expected to help with the cost of food and fresh flowers for 8 tables of guests.
I’ll pay for the existing decor, but I don’t feel comfortable contributing more. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Why are you referring to this woman as your mom? She clearly doesn’t consider you her daughter, and she never has.
She doesn’t consider your kids her grandkids. Her bio daughter is her daughter. Her daughter’s kids are her Grandkids. This woman is your dad’s wife. She sees you as her Husband’s daughter. Part of the package of marrying her Husband and someone she has to see at family holidays etc. That’s why when you got pregnant, she didn’t want you in the house & didn’t want to have to deal with your child.
And when her daughter got pregnant, she made sure her daughter was supported & had a place to live. It’s a shame your Dad doesn’t have your back the way his wife always has her daughter’s back.
I just think things will be easier for you if you accept the reality of what your relationship with your dad, his wife/your stepmom, and your stepsister is really like. Maybe your Dad really pushed for you to see his wife as your Mum when you were a kid?
Anyway, that relationship clearly hasn’t happened and never will.
And through this lens, this wasn’t your Mum using your sister’s wedding to bond & spend time with you. This was your StepMum and Stepsister, making you bridesmaid only with the intention of making you pay for a significant part of the wedding that your Stepsister can’t afford.
They are deliberately manipulating your desire to have a close relationship with them so they can save on this wedding. The only right thing to do here is to decline to pay anything & pull out of being a bridesmaid and return the dress.
So they can’t use you being a bridesmaid to try & pressure you into paying for the bachelorette. NTJ.” excel_pager_420
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Let’s first talk about how you have been treated disrespectfully.
Your mother is attempting to make you contribute more than you are willing to BECAUSE neither your sister NOR her can afford the over-the-top wedding your sister wants.
You HAVE contributed. Exactly what your mom has already forced you to do.
Please be careful because I get the distinct impression that YOU will be paying during ALL shopping trips. Sounds more like ATM than a bridesmaid.
Are any of the OTHER bridesmaids being asked to contribute or ONLY YOU?
If so, then that tells you exactly where you stand and that Sister is the favorite golden child. Might be time to go no contact after the wedding if you still consider doing it.
However, make sure to make note of ALL that you have done monetarily so that WHEN they ask for their even more expensive wedding gift, you can hand them an invoice. Because they will ASSUME since you have savings, they are entitled to it as well.
THEY ARE NOT ENTITLED TO YOUR FUNDS.” SuperHuckleberry125
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But you know they don’t love you, right? Your stepmom never wanted you around. You’re being used now as a change cow for HER daughter, which you are not.
You’re thinking if you do this, it’ll make her happy? She’ll suddenly love you like her real child, and your step-sister will embrace you? They will not.
I’m sorry, I don’t know what your situation is or why you believe that you SHOULD fund any part of this wedding.
You need to get angry. You need to get indignant that these women are using thin familial ties to get finances from you. They will cut you off and still treat you like trash.
Heck, they’ve already started. Please believe that you deserve better than this.” notastepfordwife
10. WIBTJ For Putting Down My Wife's Dog When She Refuses To?
“When I (F51) was 30, I met the woman I thought I would spend my life with (F23). We met at a recreational volleyball tournament and I couldn’t take my eyes off her.
I probably should have paid more attention to the game as I did catch a spike to the face.
We had beers after the tournament. Then lunch a few days later. Then dinner.
Then breakfast. Then it was just us. We moved in together. We got a dog. I love Mad Max and she got us a Blue Heeler puppy. He was beautiful. The three of is had five great years together.
Then she died.
Car accident. She was 28 and she was gone. That dang dog kept crying for her. He would lay on her clothes I hadn’t gotten rid of and whine. I hated that dog.
He would just wait by the door waiting for her until I told him it was time for bed. I had to come home after work to walk and feed him. All I wanted to do was lay on our bed. But he needed to go out.
I loved him so much.
He got cancer in his eye. I spent a lot getting him treatment and eventually he was okay. He only had one eye and was terrible at the fetch.
No mouth-eye coordination.
When he died I promised myself I would never love another dog. If I ever got another one he was going to be an employee.
I met my wife (F48) when I was 38.
She had a Red Heeler puppy. We struck up a conversation, then a friendship, then a relationship. A few years in we got married and we adopted a couple of kids through her family.
They are biologically her niece and nephew. I also tried my best not to get attached to her dog. That did not go well. She is too much like my old pup. I love her too.
Last year her dog was diagnosed with cancer. I paid for everything I could. But she isn’t getting better. She is in pain. My wife and kids want me to just keep pouring my savings into treatment.
I talked to the vet and he said that there is nothing to do. He told me it was cruel to keep her alive like this. I went and talked with my wife and she is mad and says I don’t love her the way I loved the girl who died or I would do anything to keep her dog alive.
I’m being torn apart. She’s crying. The kids are crying. The dog is so doped up I have to carry her outside to do her business.
I don’t want to but I think it’s time to let her go.
My wife says I’m a heartless jerk. I know she’s grieving. But it still hurts.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – If the vet is advocating for the dog being put down because it is in so much pain, your wife is just prolonging this poor pup’s torture.
At first, I was frustrated reading about your wife and her anger towards you, but as I think about it more, I think she just wants someone to blame for the dog’s impending death.
You are being the adult in this situation and she is attempting to comfort herself and not feel ‘blame’ once the pup dies. I would probably bring in a friend or a therapist and talk through the situation with someone outside of the scenario.
She can and should be upset about the dog, but death is a part of life, and you cannot truly control that. All that you can do right now is advocate for the best course of action for your dog’s comfort.
The kids are going to be upset because they are kids who don’t understand death.” Uledragon456k
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – really, if the vet says there is nothing to be done and the dog is suffering then, as sad as that might be, maybe putting him down is the right thing to do.
Letting an animal suffer because you say you love it is a cruel thing to do and it is good of you to see it.
This might be hard. I also wanna say I don’t think your wife is hardcore a jerk in this situation because I think she is grieving and probably not thinking straight, but it is a jerk move to say you don’t love her because you don’t want a dog you love to suffer.
I don’t think it was really malicious and she can probably see where she went wrong with a bit of distance.
I’d say have your wife talk to the vet herself and see if he can change her mind.” XDarksaphiraX
Another User Comments:
“I’m sorry OP. We just brought home our cat for hospice care. Also cancer. I’ve been crying off and on since. His time is coming much sooner than I thought.
I’m not ready. But when he lets me know it’s too much, I’ll do what I need to do. He’s my boy. How could I do less?
Your wife is cruel. It’s cruel to demand a quantity of life, not quality of life.
Your dog doesn’t understand why she hurts.
Sit your wife down and really hammer it home. Take her to the vet so the doctor can say it to her face. So do what you have to do so your precious pup can finally rest.
As much as we hate it. As much as we wish we could roll back time so they are puppies and kittens again, we can’t.
You got a whole extra year with her the best thing you can do is say goodbye.
No animal should die cruelly, least of all a well-loved pet.
NTJ now but if you keep letting her suffer you would be the jerk.” outdwoodwerk
9. WIBTJ For Only Paying For One Of Our Daughter's Weddings?
Things are always more complicated with blended families.
“I (45 female) have been married to my husband (50 male) for 20 years. We have a daughter together, Melanie (22 female) and he has a daughter from his previous relationship Amy (24 female). We all get along really well.
My father passed away a few years ago. When he passed he left my daughter Melanie a large inheritance. He did not leave an inheritance for my stepdaughter. Melanie does not have full access to her inheritance until she is 30.
Prior to that, she can use it with my approval.
Both of our daughters are engaged and getting married within 1-2 years. Melanie asked me if she could use a small part of her inheritance to pay for her wedding.
Not the whole thing since her fiancé is also paying for a portion of the wedding. I said she could since it is her finances.
My husband asked me if we could pay for Amy’s wedding (the same amount Melanie would be using from her inheritance).
I said that wouldn’t be possible because we’d have to give financial help to both girls. He said we wouldn’t since Melanie had her inheritance but I explained my reasoning why I don’t think that would be fair.
I also reminded my husband we just did major renovations on our home that we are paying for.
He asked if Melanie would lend us finances from her inheritance and we could pay her back.
I said we shouldn’t ask our daughter to do that for her step-sister as it wouldn’t be fair.
I have gifted both the girls $2,000 each for their wedding dresses.
We did get into an argument over the wedding finances and he thinks I’m being a jerk because I also allowed my father to only leave finances for Melanie and not also Amy.
I told him that wasn’t my fault and I couldn’t control my father’s will. I also yelled back at him that he’s being extremely unfair to Melanie by saying we should borrow from her or we should pay for only Amy’s wedding.
He said he feels like I’m not treating Amy like my daughter as well right now. We both called each other a jerks and are not speaking right now. I do feel bad about how the argument ended.
I don’t know if this will make a difference but Amy’s mother is not in the picture, so asking her for pay for her wedding isn’t in the question.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The inheritance is from your father. It was for HIS grandkid. Whether you accept your stepdaughter as a daughter or not has no bearing on this. Your dad was not her grandfather and did not leave her an inheritance.
Marrying into a family does not make your husband or his daughter entitled to inheritance, and it is a greedy jerk move to demand you ask your daughter to loan him finances or for you to give his daughter an equivalent amount.
What is up with all these people demanding pay from their stepkids for their own kids on this sub lately?” PsilosirenRose
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Life is not fair, and you’re right you couldn’t control your father’s will, but that gave her a huge advantage that your other daughter didn’t get.
This girl only has you two as parents and she has to already sit by and watch her sister have the dream wedding on her finances and you’ve been a part of her life since she was 4 years old.
She actually needs the help, it’s traditionally the bride’s parents who help out. But your husband also sucks for asking to borrow from her as that is her finances to use however she wants.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – traditionally, parents of the bride pay for most of the wedding stuff. Your father, via inheritance, has covered the portion for one kid. That means you’d only have to help out with the other one.
Maybe it’s not equal, but it is equitable.
Plus, you renovated a house when you had 2 girls about to get married. That’s not exactly thinking of them.
Your father already treated your stepdaughter as less important, and if you’re not careful, you’ll give off that exact same vibe with her.” JurassicParkFood
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The inheritance is your daughter’s, not something gifted to her by you and your husband.
You have already contributed equal amounts of gifted finances, you are right that it would be unfair to gift more to one child.
You have no control over who your father leaves his finances to. He was free to do with it as he liked.
Here is a possible compromise: ASK Melanie if she would be offended if you helped a little more with Amy’s wedding, given that Amy doesn’t have an inheritance to fall back on– she may not care one bit.
Explain that your primary goal is to be fair to both of your children, so you are comfortable with however Melanie feels. But you also would like both your children to have equally beautiful weddings and Amy simply doesn’t have the funds to match Melanie’s.
Be sure you validate however she feels about it and let her know you understand if she feels this is unfair.” Mental-Ocelot5466
8. AITJ For Calling My Uncle Out For Making Vacation Plans While His Dad Is In The Hospital?
“My (17F) uncle (39M) “Max” has always been our grandparents’ golden child. Even now it’s obvious that they favor him and his kids over us.
(Just a recent example is how my grandmother took Max’s kids to Coldstone and gave them both $100 each. But she gave me and my other cousins $20 and told us to go to the store and get something for us all to share.) My Aunt “Em” says to try not to hold it against my grandparents because it’s a cultural thing for them to favor the only son and it was just the way things were in their home country.
I try my best to be understanding but it’s not easy. Max has a successful career but he has an attitude that his family is here to serve him and he doesn’t talk to us unless he needs something.
He lives an hour away (we live a few blocks away from our grandparents) but Max never visits or calls us. He only comes for three weeks every year and he literally just makes our grandparents babysit his kids the whole time.
My own parents passed away, so I’ve lived with My Aunt Em and Uncle for a few years now. My Uncle works full-time and Aunt Em used to as well. But she left to homeschool my cousin.
My cousin is in a wheelchair because of an injury and the school is not wheelchair accessible. My cousin also has ADHD and he had a lot of bullying problems that the school didn’t care about, so he’s doing better and is much happier being homeschooled. Aunt Em picks up pay as an online tutor, but it’s definitely not as much as she used to make.
Here’s what’s going on right now: My grandfather is in the hospital right now and has been there for a few months. It’s not cancer, but it’s something similar to his pancreas that I’m not sure about.
Max has not visited once, but he called us and my grandmother because he needed to take his family on a Disney vacation. My grandmother ended up giving him almost $1,000, and two days ago he posted on social media about his vacation.
But then he started bashing Aunt Em, saying that stopped working because she was lazy and airing some of our financial problems (our problems are minor, for example during winter we wear extra pajamas to save on heating, but Max has no right to share our information that way.) I was so angry that I responded to the post by saying “Go ahead Uncle Max, keep planning your little Disney vacations while your own dad is in the hospital. Aunt Em stays home to take care of your disabled nephew because she actually cares about her family.
Don’t bash her when you had to beg for (X amount of finances) from your Mommy to pay for this vacation.”
Now people are bashing Max online. Max and his wife messaged me saying I was a jerk and I had no right to “slander” him that way, but I blocked them.
My friend told me Max is a jerk but I was being a bit of a hypocrite since I did the same thing by sharing Max’s private financial information and I just started unnecessary drama instead of being a bigger person.
I know I’m probably the jerk, but I thought I would ask on here anyway.”
Another User Comments:
“You are certainly NTJ. Max got what was coming to him. It was necessary for you to stick up for your relatives (and by extension, yourself because you live with them and are associated with them) when Max said negative things.
You’re not a hypocrite. You shared Max’s information because he was saying horrible, unfair things about other people. He opened the door to getting a public shaming. He attacked people in public and you had to defend their reputation and yours.
Max left you no choice.
It is not “being the bigger person” to let someone lie or exaggerate or share sensitive personal information without setting the record straight. Max’s comments about your Aunt Em were particularly shocking.
This is a woman who is sacrificing her career/earnings to help family members and he is turning it into a reason to shame her in public. He sounds awful.
Keep blocking Max.
If he brings this up next time you see him, tell him he brought it on himself. Say he needs to remember that people can defend themselves before he chooses to publicly humiliate people again.
By the way, there is no excuse for your grandparents’ favoritism.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Max is the jerk and your so-called friend is also an AH for not backing you (as a friend is supposed to do).
He was lying (big time) about and disrespecting and ridiculing someone you care about and you were setting the record straight! You were standing up for your aunt! Being a martyr is a loser move when dealing with narcissists like your uncle – actually, martyrdom is a loser move, period.
You and your aunt are worthy of respect and are worth fighting for. And your uncle certainly is one of whose whiny prats who loves to dish it but can’t take it.
(FYI, if I did what you did and someone tells me that I need to be a bigger person, I would tell them either (1) to remove her/himself from my life OR (2) that yes, I am the smallest person they have ever met and getting smaller by the minute and proud of that AND s/he should feel free to go through that door over there if s/he can’t handle my so-called pettiness).” drusilla14
Another User Comments:
“Max has this halo that is blinding him from the truth: he’s a disappointment to everyone but himself. This is also the result of the cultural aspects of his upbringing because look at him being ungrateful, and it seems there’s no benefits back to the parents if he’s vacationing like they don’t matter.
NTJ.” Mahogany993
I'm considered my family trouble starter....but I don't get walked on anymore
7. AITJ For Reporting My Ex Employer To The Labor And Health Department?
“I (23f) decided to take a second job.
My new job, at a boba shop, opened 2 weeks ago. This one other girl and I are the only ones with real restaurant/cafe experience.
The boss “Liam” doesn’t have cafe management experience. He’s also one of those guys who will pretend to listen & care about employees but doesn’t. He only wants control.
Employees told Liam that we need tapioca before the shop opened. He didn’t listen & only got the popping boba.
He only ordered tapioca because people kept asking for it on the first day of opening.
There are two 15-year-olds, “Lacy” & “Hannah,” who are working there. Other coworkers are 16-18. Liam’s been scheduling Lacy and Hannah for 11.5-hour shifts.
We told him this is illegal. Liam thinks this is fine & scheduled Hannah, Lacy, & a 17-year-old for 11.5-hour shifts on Saturday & Sunday for 4 weeks.
Liam’s so paranoid that he’ll get into trouble for employees not washing hands, yet he hasn’t trained anyone.
Even he won’t wash his hands for the full 20 seconds. There’s a paper towel dispenser & no trash can to throw it away. There’s only 1 tiny trash can. I’ve watched Liam touch cleaning chemicals and then not wash his hands.
He only mops the kitchen (if at all) instead of the entire store. Plus, other health concerns.
Liam is so obsessed with Google reviews that he rather prioritizes talking to people for 30 minutes over the quality of drinks & training.
He’ll talk and won’t clean the shakers he used, yet he’ll complain about others not cleaning.
I had a talk with him and brought up the concerns like Liam asking for feedback but not really listening, & my coworkers needing a supervisor.
Liam asked, “Why wasn’t 5 days of training enough?” I said, “well they’re kids. It’s the first job for most of them. They need someone who can train them until they get the routine & tell them what to do & when, & that’s not you.
I can be a temp supervisor.”
Liam got defensive & refuted with, “I have experience managing a bank, so I know how to manage a cafe.” Talking to people for 30+ minutes might work at a bank but not at a cafe.
Liam said, “why are you telling me I don’t listen? I got tapioca like you guys wanted.” I said, “They’re young. They don’t know how to be assertive & be open about it.
They don’t feel heard. The way you’re treating them, they got a good reason not to talk to you. You only got tapioca because customers wanted it.” Everything I said was considered “talking back to the owner” & Liam even said “why are you arguing with your boss?
I don’t understand why you guys are talking back.”
I gave Liam my notice during the shift. I told him that I could work my scheduled shifts until the end of August. At the end of the shift, he gave me a termination notice and it said I’m fired for “insubordination” and “noncompliance.”
I reported Liam & his business to the department of labor & health department because I was worried for my coworkers. Now Liam is mad and wants to sue me. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Ew, this is totally gross. NTJ at all, and I hope the health department and the labor department give him a slap upside the head. No one should be opening a food or beverage serving restaurant or stall without going through the health and safety training and ensuring all the staff are trained. No one should be employing people without knowing labor laws.
This is why government regulation is needed. Food products must be prepared in a clean and safe environment where all ingredients are stored at the proper temperature and equipment is properly cleaned and sterilized and everyone on staff knows the procedures.
Food places must be inspected to ensure there aren’t rodents or pests, and that there is proper handwashing and food prep. Labor laws must be followed so that teens aren’t mistreated and forced to do things that are illegal. Bring the weight of the law down on this jerk.
Liam can’t sue you for reporting a true situation that is breaking the law. You are a whistleblower and whistleblowers are protected.
However, be careful about saying anything publicly that could be libelous.” Allimack
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He can try and sue you, but that doesn’t mean he has a case. I’d be surprised if he could get a lawyer even to take the case.
Plus by firing you, you are now eligible for unemployment, which goes against the business.
Also, it sounds like he’s not making sure people have safe serve and stuff like that, which is problematic in and of himself.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“As someone who has worked for multiple small business owner petty tyrants, NTJ.
People fought and died for those child labor laws; you don’t get to skirt them because “it’s their first job.” Also doubt he can sue you for defamation unless you said all of this publicly and named the restaurant under your name.
As far as I can tell, you just called the department of labor and the health department which is completely fair game (this is assuming you live in the US).” PruneSoft5789
6. AITJ For Reverting Our Door Locks Back After My Wife Changed Them?
“I (30M) have a beautiful wife who loves to serve others. We bought a home down the street from my family.
I have a sweet sister (17) who likes to crash at our house with her friends.
My wife normally is pretty easygoing until recently. My sister’s friends have been leaving messes. Mostly towels on the floor after using our pool.
My wife got upset picking up after them every day. I have asked my sister to make sure the house is clean after they leave, and it has been better. My wife also complained that some of her perfumes/clothes and other personal items have gone missing.
My sister said it was not her. I believe my sister. I just don’t see her doing that. I told my wife, and we agreed just to replace them.
Last week my wife made a couple of pans of cinnamon rolls from scratch.
One pan was for us, the second pan was for a co-worker’s family who is experiencing a tragedy.
My wife went to the gym. I went to work, and my sister and her friends came by.
The one pan wasn’t enough for her and her friends. They wanted the second pan of cinnamon rolls, and my sister texted my wife asking if they could eat them. My wife said no.
They ate them anyways. My wife was upset and went to buy new locks. When I came home, my wife handed me a new key and told me that she didn’t want anyone else to have a key to our house.
I tried to calm her down and tell her that I would just go replace the eaten cinnamon rolls with store-bought ones. My wife decided this was her hill to die on and told me my sister lost the privilege to come when we are not home.
Replacing stolen items wasn’t “good enough” anymore.
My mom called and asked if my sister could use the pool as a back-to-school party. I was under the impression my mom would be there.
I said yes, my mom was at work, and our schedules clashed. The easiest solution was for me To change the locks back so they could come into the house.
My mom didn’t come with my sister.
When my wife got home after the party, it was a mess. She sent me photos. She called me the A for changing the locks without talking to her about it. (Keep in mind she did too.) then told me I broke her trust. She wasn’t safe in her home because she keeps getting robbed, and I refuse to put an end to it.
(I did talk to my sister). Then my wife let me know she was staying with a friend for a while.
Am I the jerk here? I feel like I have tried to right any wrongs that have happened between my wife and my sister.
Update: sorry I haven’t been able to reply for the past couple of hours. I have been busy.
I talked to my mom again and let her know my sister isn’t allowed over without me at home.
I asked a friend’s wife, who is a maid to come deep clean our home. So if/when my wife comes home, it’s clean.
The last thing is my mom asked me to help cover my sister’s cheer.
She is on track for a scholarship. I told my mom I would pay for half of my wife’s things to be returned. If not, the sum was going to replace the stolen items.
Also, my sister was invited to homecoming. She wanted me to buy a dress. I told her no for not following our home rules, and the amount I saved for the dress is going to pay for the maid.
I did replace the locks again. I also am planning a romantic dinner I will make and clean up. I heard a lot about the cinnamon rolls. Someone on here gave me the idea to make them.
I am for dessert.
Update: my sister and my mom left a few mins ago. My sister had a bag of my wife’s things. More than I thought was gone. Most items are in poor shape.
The big thing is she had my wife’s grandmother’s ring I thought was in the safe. I had no idea it was gone. My sister said that she found it on my wife’s nightstand during the party.
She forgot she had it on when she left our home. The ring isn’t valuable it’s just sentimental. I told my mom who the ring belonged to. My mom lost it.
My sister is now grounded.
Last update tonight, my wife is coming home. I am staying at a friend’s house. Until we can work some of this out. I already stated it, but I did put the locks back on my wife bought.
My family doesn’t have that key.
Early morning update, My mom called my wife last night and asked what my sister can do to fix/ replace the damaged items. My wife said, “have her meet me every morning at 5 am.” I decided to tag along and see what my wife had planned. Trying to support her in whatever punishment she decides to do. My wife’s co-works 4 yr old is in the final stages of cancer.
My wife’s plan is for my sister and her to prepare breakfast, get their other kids up and ready for the day. Start laundry and basic clean up. So her co-worker and his wife can spend as much time as he can with the sick child before work.
My sister was silent the whole time coming back home. I can tell it really hit her that her life isn’t as hard. Even being grounded.
Last and final post, my wife has given me a second chance as long as I follow her list of rules.
For a while, no family at our home.
No family borrowing our things.
No one is allowed a key.
I help with the chores around the house, including cooking meals.
Last, my wife is ok with me seeing my sister but asked that we all go to counseling to understand why my sister is targeting her.
My wife said all of this has been really hard, and she doesn’t want to cause more issues but she just doesn’t trust my sister and can’t have her using our things.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – Your sister is trashing your house and allowing her friends to steal food and personal items. You’re completely disregarding your wife’s feelings on this (and her feelings are perfectly reasonable, and she’s been very patient).
You haven’t righted the wrongs that have happened. You’ve replaced things that have been stolen, but that can’t heal the feeling of being disrespected and the lack of safety in one’s own home.
Replacing homemade cinnamon rolls with store-bought is similar – those were probably way higher quality than store-bought, and your sister was specifically told NOT to do this and did it anyway.
Your sister and her friends are showing zero respect for your wife or the home, and you should not be steamrolling your wife about this.
Your wife should be your top priority here, as this is her home too.” HomelyHobbit
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, big time, Your “sweet sister” is taking advantage of you and your wife’s hospitality.
And who has to deal with the fallout every time? Your wife. Your wife is getting her things stolen. No, just replacing them isn’t good enough. She should feel safe in her own house without worrying that her stuff is going to disappear.
If it’s not your sister, it’s one of her friends. Your wife is having to clean up after these mooching kids come over and party. Your wife is having the baked goods she put a lot of time and effort into making eaten by kids with no sense of boundaries.
And no, just replacing them with store-bought isn’t good enough. Do you know how it feels to spend time and effort making something homemade as a gift, only to have it stolen by someone else?
She made a gift with care for her co-worker. Store-bought isn’t the same.
Your wife isn’t the problem. Your sister and her friends are the problems, and you are the problem as well for allowing it.
Your sister is being incredibly rude and entitled. Your wife should not come home to find her stuff missing (stolen), her house trashed, and any food she has prepared eaten. It’s not good enough to “right the wrongs” (which you are not really doing) if it KEEPS HAPPENING.
You need to step in, and forbid your sister from coming over to the house when no one is home. She has taken advantage of that privilege to the point that your wife no longer feels safe in the house you share.
I really can’t believe that you are letting people steal your wife’s things, and you still have to ask if you are the jerk.” Thesafflower
Another User Comments:
“You know you’re the jerk (YTJ) here, and that’s good.
However, you are still leaving out lots of information. Even the scant information and the way you originally tried to paint yourself as a great big brother and your wife crazy didn’t fool us.
Your sister stole from your wife and purposely trashed her stuff this time. YOU KNOW THIS FOR A FACT. There is ZERO reasons for you to believe she hasn’t done it before.
Heck, she knew which of her friends were stealing crap and still brought them into your home. YOUR HOME.
I am completely dumbstruck by your mother. Her lack of concern. Her lack of action and parenting.
Her actively trying to blame your wife. AND THEN ASKED FOR PAY. Your family considers you their personal bank and doormat.
Sir, you have a mommy AND a boundary problem. The dinner is a bandaid.
Not a long-term fix. Obviously, this is a long-term issue that you have blissfully not given crap about until your wife finally gave you a consequence.
You need therapy to address the dynamics in your family – they do not seem healthy, and you have been reluctant to share full details of the dynamics BECAUSE YOU KNOW THEY ARE NOT HEALTHY.
It’s great you changed the locks, but you’ve already shown that you would change them again at the drop of your mother’s hat. Get. Cameras. The ones that you can monitor on your phone.
And call the cops when your family trespass. YOU. Not your wife. You and your family have put her through enough.
Pray she comes back. Consider moving away. I’m sure this is just the tip of the iceberg.” bluesquirrel15
5. AITJ For Making My Mom Pay Me When She Calls Me By The Wrong Name Or Gender?
“I, (ftm 17) have been socially out and presenting as male for nearly 5 years. Two years ago, I specifically came out to my mom, telling her my name and pronouns and that there was no excuse not to use them.
I also have talked to her over the years about starting testosterone, and every time she agrees to it, she switches up the next day and tells me she won’t help me get it or even speak with doctors about it.
I don’t mind too much anymore since I’m almost 18, but it’s gotten really tiring over the years to have support held over my head and then taken away out of nowhere.
What I’m getting at is that she’s not supportive, never has been. she’s the type to claim to support people but then do the complete opposite- she thinks if she’s not explicitly saying she doesn’t support, then technically she “isn’t transphobic.” she’s never once used my name or pronouns in the past 2 years.
I let it go for the first few months because every time I asked it was always “it’s going to take time; I’ve known you as [deadname] your whole life!”
It’s gotten more unbearable recently.
everyone I know calls me by my name and pronouns, except her and her husband (who is just as bad as her). she’ll refer to me as my deadname to my friends and coworkers and then act shocked when they don’t know who she’s talking about.
recently I’ve gotten more on her case about it, telling her she looks stupid when she calls me her daughter in public when I’m obviously not female. she’s still excusing it with “i just forget” or “you can’t expect me to get it right away.” I always respond with the fact that she doesn’t even try, has never referred to me properly in my life, and that I’ve been explicitly out to and correcting her for two years.
The other day, I decided to put it to the test. I got a mason jar and painted the trans flag on it, and I explained to her that if she “can’t remember” then she’ll be motivated when it directly affects her.
I told her that every time she misgenders or deadnames me, she must put a quarter in the jar, and I get to keep it. the rules were that there were no exceptions, even if I weren’t around to see her say it, she needed to hold herself accountable for it.
she argued after that, obviously, but gave in when I told her that it shouldn’t be that hard if she was trying like she said she was.
It’s been two days and the jar is almost half full.
not sure how many quarters exactly, and there are a few bucks and other change since not many people carry a lot of quarters, but she’s started complaining about it again. She says it’s unfair for me to “use her for finances,” and I’ve been responding with “it’s unfair to fake incompetence to disrespect me, this isn’t that hard.”
I don’t think I’m in the wrong here, but my mother and her husband sure do. they’re telling me I’m manipulating my mother into giving me change, but really, I just want to be respected by my own parent.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ — Two things I wanna say. 1. You’re not “making her do” or “manipulating her into” anything. Let’s be honest, if she doesn’t do it, there’s nothing you can do right?
She’s not doing it because she’s being forced, she’s doing it because she KNOWS she’s wrong and feels obligated to pay up. This leads to thing 2…she KNOWS what she’s doing. If she can remember to (and is willing to!) put coins in the jar, she can darn well remember what name and pronouns to use for you.
These are her choices. I’m sorry she’s unsupportive but honestly, if I were you, I’d milk this for every penny I could get until she gets it together and shows you some respect!” thebuffaloqueen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother agreed to the terms of the “trans jar” so no one is being taken advantage of here. (It’s not like anyone is forcing the coins from her each time she puts one in the jar.) If she were genuinely concerned about being “used for her finances” she could avoid it by simply using your correct name and pronouns.
I suspect she is now attempting to fashion herself into a martyr for being extorted because on some level she recognizes she should be ashamed that after five years of your correcting her she’s still so disrespectful to her own son that she half-filled the jar in only two days.
I mean that’s shameful. No one who was genuinely trying to be supportive, who’d had five years to adjust to the idea would struggle this much. This is an attempt to deflect from her obvious disrespect.
Nothing more. I’m sorry your mother is so unsupportive of your truth.” cheekmo_52
Another User Comments:
“NTJ NTJ NTJ. It’s been two years since you came out to her! She’s your mother, you’re a minor, and it sounds like she has custody of you, so you’re gonna “use her for finances” regardless.
This is honestly a way more polite way of asking her to respect you as you are after dealing with her crap for years. I’m glad she’s been complying with the rule you made, but absolutely she should just learn to comply with the basic respect you’re asking for.
It’s not impossible, she’s a jerk and denying your autonomy. Your mom is manipulating you by trying to make you accept her idea of you as opposed to your lived reality.
I’ve heard the argument about married names used in this regard, which isn’t that perfect of a comparison since usually you don’t refer to someone with their full name.
I’m sure she wouldn’t have so much pushback if you were female and took a partner’s name. It’s still ridiculous to claim this is such a foreign concept after two years of your push back.
I’m sorry that she is doing this to you.” ButtonyCakewalk
I'm going to be honest. There are going to be people in your life who will never do what you're asking and as much as that sucks you can't make them. It has nothing to do with how much they love you or support you. They just aren't going to accept your choice to live differently.
Should she do it? Yes. Does she have to? No. She does have to live with the consequences though. The embarrassing moments when people look at her like shes nuts.
I would point out that numerous people dont know your private business and youd prefer her to stop breaking confidentiality. That if she continues you will have to break contact.
4. AITJ For Hating Pets?
“I 26F am child-free, I never wanted children and I have my reasons.
My co-worker “Anne” 27F is also child-free.
However, she’s insufferable about it, she really seems to hate kids and makes bad-mouthing kids and their parents a huge part of her personality. She will say things like this in the presence of parents as well.
She doesn’t care who she offends.
I understand her to a point because I don’t want kids either, they are a lot to deal with and you basically have to sacrifice your whole life to raise them but I was once a child myself and also if other people decide to have kids that’s their choice and I’m not going to be hateful about that.
The other part of Anne’s personality is being a pet mom. She says that they gave her life meaning, calls them her fur babies, and generally talks a lot about them. Always shoving their pictures in my face and when she’s discussing her free time (she always does without me asking) it seems like she has to schedule her entire life around her dogs and to me it sounds quite exhausting.
I’m always polite about it and just smile and nod.
If people choose to have pets, I don’t care it’s their choice. I personally don’t want any. Anne is always telling me I should adopt a pet and is constantly sending me ads of animals up for adoption and I usually politely ignore her.
Yesterday at work I was having lunch with a group of coworkers and Anne came to join. She showed me another ad for a dog, I told her I don’t want a dog.
She said that I must be a cat person and she showed me an ad for a cat, I politely said I don’t want a cat.
She then made a backhanded comment saying I must be a bad person if I don’t like cats or dogs and that people who have control issues don’t like cats and people who aren’t trustworthy don’t like dogs.
I snapped and told her that I don’t want any pets in my house and not everyone needs an animal depending on them to validate their existence.
I also said that I enjoy coming and going whenever I want and I enjoy not having to clean poop and vomit and deal with property damage on a regular basis.
Some of my coworkers started laughing and one even pointed out that I sounded like her when she was talking about kids. I then said that at least kids grow up and leave.
One of my other coworkers was passing by and heard what was taking place and chimed in and said that a lot of kids are accidental, but pet owners 100% consciously took up their ball and chain on purpose and that at least having children is a continuation of our own species.
That started a whole debate, I got up and left.
Today HR said that Anne reported me for bullying. Some of my colleagues are calling me a jerk for telling her off like that when she was just trying to “help” me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Look, I have four dogs and a cat, and I made that choice, but I totally get not wanting one. I was child-free until I met my guy, and while I love being stepmom, I’m glad we don’t have them full-time cuz I still don’t really “enjoy” extended time with kids under 10.
I’m the person people ask dog and cat questions to, who to ask about reputable vets, and the person to ask if you’re looking to rescue an animal of any kind, but like… there’s nothing wrong with being fine by yourself.
You have that right, and Anne needs to shut her trap.
Here’s the thing, though… Anne’s made this a THING, like a company HR thing. You’re gonna have to deal with HR about it, and I recommend a counter report of the events.
As someone that has to work with HR on all manner of dumb crap people think we need to waste our time on, as well as the important cases, I can tell you that if you just take this, Anne’s gonna get worse and dare you to say something else.
Personally, I would request an investigation based on Anne’s known outspoken loathing of children and people who have them and how it’s a double standard for you to snap at her about pets when she rambles off about kids all the time.
It sets up the fact no one is checking Anne, and she can say crap but not take it, and corroborating coworkers can easily invalidate her claims.
Any potential friendship with Anne is likely over… which might be a good thing, to be honest.” OctoLlama88
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and so is she. You should’ve asked her to stop before letting it build up to the point you snapped, rather than always being polite and nodding. As for her, she shouldn’t be pushing pets on you all the time.
Not everyone wants a pet, just like not everyone wants a kid.
However, the most important thing is that pets are not equivalent to children, no matter how many times they’re called fur babies.” pocketset
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Though not really equal. You at least recognize that no one should have a pet that doesn’t want one. It’s a huge responsibility, and if one isn’t 100% committed, it’s the pet that will suffer.
But, if you sounded like her, then that’s the judgment.” BlueRFR3100
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Anne is doing the same thing toxic people with kids do, shoving it down your throat even after you’ve politely informed her that you don’t want them.
You shouldn’t feel pressured to take care of any life that you don’t want to, for any reason.
What you said may have been just a tad bit insulting to some people, but it’s not really ‘bullying;’ it’s just being fed up with her pestering.
Anyways, that’s my two cents, as I said ntj.” trnthefriknfrogsgay
3. AITJ For Inviting A Non-Binary Cousin To My Wedding Despite My Family Not Wanting Me To?
It’s the bride and groom’s wedding; they can come up with the guest list without anyone else’s input.
“Me (25f) & my husband (28m) got married in June. It was a PERFECT wedding! However, there were complications with the planning:
My cousin (32) J, had a rough patch with my aunt and uncle do to them coming out as non-binary 2 years ago.
J dresses in female clothing a majority of the time now & wears makeup as well; this heavily affected my Aunt & Uncle because they are incredibly religious. They always made them dress in “gender appropriate” clothes when they’d visit their house.
A year before the wedding, J finally had enough of their parents not supporting them & gave them an ultimatum. Either support them 100%, or no contact. My aunt and uncle could not commit 100%, so unsurprisingly, they kept their word.
My aunt was HEARTBROKEN. So bad, she didn’t even do Christmas.
Several months later, I was doing most of the wedding planning as my husband is a very busy and hardworking man, so my Mom, who we were visiting at the time was trying to help.
We finished the guest list; I of course included every single family member in both my husband and I’s families, including J.
2 days later, my mom came up to me and had a request. Apparently, my Aunt had asked that I don’t invite J to the wedding because it would cause too much tension for her and my Uncle & they’d probably wear feminine clothing & attract “negative attention.” I was actually taken aback, I didn’t really think they’d ask that.
I told her I wouldn’t out of respect for my aunt and uncle, but mostly because my mom started to cry when I showed hesitation.
I told my husband what happened & how I felt guilty about not inviting J.
He said that even though other family members have a problem with somebody, doesn’t mean you do. Since me and J have a good relationship, I didn’t see a reason for me not to invite them.
I made the decision to reach out to J myself & talk to them.
J was appreciative I let them know & that if I wanted them there (which I did) they’d love to come support me & they’d also be respectful.
I then sent out the invitations, making sure J was invited.
A week later I told my mom about my choice, and she said I was selfish, a jerk and disrespectful of my family’s wishes.
I argued she had no right to exclude a family member like that, and I have no drama with them, so it made no sense for me to not invite J. She had no choice but to accept it but had a grudge for the rest of the planning.
Two days after the wedding, my husband and I had a convo with my aunt and uncle & the topic of J came up. I then told them about how I felt and apologized if inviting J hurt their feelings since my aunt was the one to request it in the first place.
She looks confused and says, “I would NEVER request such a thing! Who said I asked for my OWN son to not be invited?”
We were SHOOK. This means my mom lied about the whole thing!
My husband thinks I should confront my mom, but my dad thinks I was the jerj for going against my family’s wishes and NOT telling them.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Choosing not to exclude a family member because other people don’t like their lifestyle is NOT being a jerk.
J showed remarkable grace and poise when you told them what the situation was and I’m really glad you chose to invite J.
The fact that your mom even lied about this and then got upset about it is ridiculous. YOU get to choose who comes to YOUR wedding. You considered her request, which was very respectful of you, and decided that you still wanted to invite your cousin.
You did your due diligence.
Your mom is a jerk though. What’s the deal with her lying like that? I would definitely open a dialog with her about it.” TheBoundlessProject
Another User Comments:
“People will disagree with me, but I think ESH.
Your mom is an absolute raging jerk. Disgustingly transphobic.
You are the jerk, not for inviting J, but you agreed to the request. It should have been “If aunt and uncle aren’t okay with J because there, then they don’t have to come.” The fact that you initially agreed is not okay.
And then you lied about it. Inviting J while telling your mom, and you thought your aunt and uncle you weren’t, could have led to a lot of drama at the wedding. You put J in a very awkward spot of “Your family doesn’t want you there but I do, will you come?”
The fact that you are asking if you’re a jerk for INVITING J, instead of referencing the transphobic people, makes you a jerk.
Your aunt and uncle are jerks for how they have treated J.
J isn’t a jerk.” Usrname52
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’m happy you’ve taken a stance against the bigotry. I don’t even get the rationale behind religious people hating non-binary folks.
Nowhere in the Bible does it say that dresses and makeup are to be exclusively worn by women. Heck, men wearing dresses used to be a very common practice back in the day.
These people are the type of religious folk that will use their religion as an excuse to hate anything, regardless of whether or not there’s actually any evidence of what they hate going against their religion.
I also can’t believe that your mother called you selfish for inviting someone to YOUR wedding. It isn’t her wedding. Her expecting you to uninvite someone because she asked you to is what’s selfish.” PubliclyIndecent
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wedding, your rules.
I got married 13 years ago. My husband’s aunt had a ‘woman friend’, they were clearly in a relationship, but no one on that side of the family would acknowledge or admit it because they are morons.
Not long before the wedding, a cousin (child of this aunt) started to transition, and we were given this cousin’s new name for the invitations, and this would be the first time this cousin would be seeing the family as their new self.
I hadn’t met this cousin (FILs side of the family, and FIL is a jerk in regards to this type of thing). I personally felt honored that the cousin felt comfortable enough to make their first appearance as himself at our wedding!
When it came time to get addresses for the invitations, I sent the list to my FIL. When he saw his sister and the cousin on the list he wasn’t happy. He asked us why we’d want them there and we said they are family and we want them there.
Well, he then decided to remove all of his friends from the list in protest. These were friends that my husband had never even heard of, let alone met at any point in his life.
We only had them on the list because we had asked all of our parents for names of people they wanted to include and these were the ones FIL wanted. So when he decided to not invite them because he didn’t want to be embarrassed by his family, it was no skin off our backs, we could add more of our own friends!
I stand by our decision and am so glad that the aunt, her now wife, and the cousin were present at our wedding.
Good on you for sticking to your guns!” whichwaydoigo00
2. AITJ For Confronting My Ex About Putting His Wife And Her Kids Before Our Son?
“I share an 8-year-old with my ex. We broke up when he was 1, and very early on, he had issues with his speech and with anxiety.
He has a stutter, and he had extremely delayed speech. He’s been in speech therapy for going on 6 years now. Progress has been extremely slow. My son doesn’t talk around new people, and there are some people he knows quite well who he won’t talk around because they can be quite insensitive about how my son sounds.
It can be hard for people to understand him even without the stutter but when he does stutter it’s even worse.
My ex met his wife 2 years ago and moved her and her kids (14 and 12 now) in after 7 months.
He mentioned at the time that our son didn’t speak around them so he figured moving them in would be a good way to speed-run his ability to talk around them. Right before the wedding, our son fell and was crying for his dad.
His stepkids made some comments that really upset him and because of that, he has never felt comfortable speaking around them. It actually set him right back because he lived with them every other week, he spent a large amount of time around them and he was just not comfortable with them like that.
My ex spoke to our son’s speech therapist and regular therapist and wanted answers on how to “fix” it. They said there was no easy answer and no guarantees. That his progress at that point had been delayed badly because of it.
Ex’s wife complained to me that I wouldn’t let her change his speech therapist to someone she heard great things about. She mentioned it repeatedly. But through my own research, I realized he was not someone who should be practicing and had many complaints from parents who said he left their kids so far regressed.
I ended up getting more custody time because the therapists both agreed his progress would never be as good as it needed to be when he was not talking for such a large chunk of time.
My ex was very unhappy about this, and I do understand, but our son’s progress was at stake.
My son’s speech has improved some more and the regression was helped by living more with me and him freely talking.
But he still doesn’t like to talk around his dad’s wife or her kids. My ex came to me recently and told me he’s tired of it and it makes his wife and stepkids uncomfortable, that he has no right to do this to them.
My reaction might not have been the best but I told him their discomfort should not come before our son and that there should be more understanding of why. He told me he shouldn’t hold one incident against him.
I pointed out how it was treated as not a big deal what happened when to our son; every negative reaction to his speech is a huge deal to his development because he faces it from multiple people.
My ex said I was a jerk. That their comfort in their own home should be of the utmost importance and that our son is not doing anyone any favors with his “attitude.”
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If his actual speech therapists are recommending that being in a living situation in which his anxiety increases, it impacts his speech, and makes him go silent, is a PROBLEM and he shouldn’t be there, then something is HEAVILY WRONG perhaps abusive or neglectful about that setting.
The fact your ex is so heavily making your son the problem when it is in fact his household, wife, and stepchildren makes me think that he and everyone who inhabits that house is heartless.
Why is their ‘comfort’ a priority? This is incredibly ablest. Why become a parent if that parenting is conditional on a child not requiring further care and support?
I would seek full custody and no longer let your son be around people who can’t love and care for him unconditionally.” wanesandwaves
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The fact that your ex talks about your son’s ‘attitude’ says it all, because it’s a disability, not something a person can turn off and on at will like some a store clerk choosing to smile at a customer.
It’s obvious that your ex and his wife are in that ‘if you try hard enough, then you can make the disability magically disappear’ crowd. Of the flavor ‘every part of the disability that means I have to be more patient or inconveniences me is what needs to disappear.’
Feels like someone talking about how it’s too inconvenient and difficult to keep the floor clean and toy free all the time, and they shouldn’t have to just because one of their kids is blind.” shaunamom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Coming from someone with disabilities of my own, take your son in full time, and adjust your husband’s child care payments.
He and the environment he has let his new family create are apparently too toxic for your son; and instead of them changing they want to force your son, who is struggling enough, to accommodate them instead.
That just leads to so much depression, stress, anxiety, and self-hatred in the long run.
By the time I was your son’s age I was already convinced I was bad, and everyone would be so much happier without me.
I didn’t want to die, I just hated that I had ever been born.
The world is already gonna do that to your kid, protect him where you can, and help him to be able to constantly have a safe place where he knows that negativity isn’t true.
Having those small breaks as an adult has made such a world of difference to my mental health, and I can only imagine the difference it would have made had I that growing up.
It sounds like you’ve already tried to make your home that place. Now ensure he has plenty of time to be there. To be safe, and comfortable.
And if that means getting full custody, that’s what you should try to do.
If you don’t try for that, that will make you the jerk.” VcWoodhull
1. AITJ For Not Leashing My Dog In The Office?
“Late last year, my coworker Linda got a puppy, and she has been bringing him to work every day (with permission, of course). Linda has her own office separate from the common office space, so the puppy Bud stayed there most of the time and only came out to the common areas on a leash.
Fast forward to today, and Bud is almost a year old. He has grown in the office and is a beloved “coworker.” He has definitely made the return to the office more fun and everyone enjoys having him around.
He is very well-behaved, and even though he still spends most of the time in Linda’s office, he comes to “visit” during coffee breaks, lunch breaks, or when Linda has a meeting.
He is no longer leashed at these times, as we are often playing with him or he just lays in his little corner (there is a bed for him in the common office space).
The only behavior problem that Linda is still working on is that Bud barks at strangers that come to the office. He is still young and Linda is working with a dog trainer, so hopefully, it is not something that will continue happening.
It is not a big problem for us because we are a small office not open to the public, we work mostly on our computers and only have one or two visitors a week.
These visits are only with an appointment, so Linda will keep Bud in her office at these times and the problem is solved.
Only, not really. We are having a problem with people delivering packages.
If they come in while Bud is in the common space, he will run towards them and start loudly barking. Then we have to run after him and catch him and take him away while he barks and pulls, which becomes quite stressful.
As I said, our office is not open to the public, so there is no reception area and no secretary. To access it, you have to enter the building and find our door (which has a doorbell next to it), and you would enter directly into the working space.
Well, none of them ring the doorbell! Maybe 1 out of 5. They just enter and start walking inside until one of us sees them (the door is closed but unlocked during business hours, so we can come and go without keys).
A few times, the people who work closest to the door were in a meeting and the delivery guy just kept walking inside all the way to my boss’s office. They also come at any time, morning or evening, so it is impossible to predict.
I was talking about it with some friends and they told me that we need to keep Bud on a leash or in Linda’s office at all times to prevent this.
I feel like it is unfair because you would never enter someone’s house without ringing the bell and then get upset that their dogs are unleashed. If they rang the bell we would make sure Bud is secured, and it wouldn’t be a problem.
We are thinking of putting a sign next to the doorbell saying, “please ring the doorbell,” but AITJ for not keeping Bud on a leash?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and put up a sign both so the doorbell gets used and so people are warned there’s a dog in the office as not everyone likes dogs, especially ones that are not under control.
And if Bud is now a permanent addition, find a way to cordon off the area around the door so there’s a buffer between Bud and the delivery person.
And I doubt no one has issues with Bud going around randomly barking.
The people directly in the office may not but the people they’re calling or in video meetings with may not be impressed having to hear barking in the background or having the call/meeting interrupted because someone had to chase after Bud as no one wants to leash him, put up a barrier so he can’t get directly to newcomers, or put up a sign telling people to use the doorbell and that there’s a dog on the other side of the door.
And it’s not just an inconvenience issue, it’s a liability issue as well. What happens if Bud’s charging and barking cause someone to be injured? Will your company pay for medical treatment and their time off?
Will the delivery company do the same if a delivery person is the one injured? What happens if someone sues? If you don’t take steps to do something to keep Bud under control and act proactively, you may find Bud (and all dogs) end up being banned from the office entirely, especially if your insurance company catches wind of this.” NefariousOkapi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think this is complicated.
People shouldn’t have to interrupt meetings to go chase after a dog, but also, people shouldn’t just be walking in.
This is a place of business, and maybe not everyone is comfortable with bud unleashed.
You can’t have a dog charging at people, as he might frighten them or worse bite them.
I think that you need to put up a sign saying to leave packages at the door or ring the bell, and someone will come to grab the package.
My office does that (we also keep our doors locked) because we have a meeting space that is often used to show off for clients, and meetings could be interrupted if people just come in and out willy-nilly.
Also, we deal with sensitive information, and we just don’t want people coming in. I think locking the door and putting up a sign will help.
I also think that if it is really becoming an issue for people, then Bud might have to hang in a closed room or be leashed with the end tied under someone’s chair if people are expecting lots of packages.
But I also don’t think you’re the jerk for not wanting Bud to be leashed since he is a good boy who has become the office mascot.” Choice_Werewolf1259
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I think that having a mutual agreement on allowing the dog to be unleashed is fine, BUT accounting for visitors is important. I do think your best bet is, as you said, putting a sign on the door.
But I would also add the part about the office dog roaming around to give visitors a heads-up that they might encounter an animal if they choose to just walk in without ringing the bell.
Or you will have to start locking the door during the day.” jdessy
