People Want To Find Out If They Deserve Criticism In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
19. AITJ For Only Getting My Nephew One Gift?
“I am married with 3 kids and my sister is a single mom, whose kid is the same age as my middle child. He splits his time between his dad’s and mom’s houses.
At Christmas dinner, she told me about how her son received a gift card from her friend and said, ‘that’s it?’ Not knowing he had also bought him a nice/expensive toy.
She was embarrassed by his reaction!
Later, when the kids opened presents, my nephew opened our gift, a $60 toy (more than we spent on anyone, not in our immediate family, but those were the suggestions she sent me), and said, ‘Is that all?!’ She didn’t react at all.
My kids each had a nice gift from him/my sister but nothing crazy expensive as she doesn’t have a lot of income at the moment.
She also tends to buy things at auctions and discount stores to save funds.
The next day I receive a text from my mother saying my nephew’s feelings were hurt that he didn’t get a gift from each of my children and I should send him a $50 gift card to make up the difference between what my sister said she spent on my kids and what we spent.
She even sent me the original text my sister sent her to complain.
I explained that we bought him a very nice present, per her suggestions and that I would not be buying him anything else as we have 3 children and not a ton of disposable income. He also receives ‘everything he asks for’ from his dad and my sister as he’s the only child on both sides.
If she had 5 kids I would not expect each child to get each of my kids a present, so what’s the difference? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Every child got one present, which was completely fair. Her son sounds very ungrateful for what he receives, and loading him up with more gifts is not going to make him appreciate them more.
Your sister is enabling this behavior by demanding more gifts for him and encouraging him to feel entitled rather than appreciate what he’s getting.
Quality in gifts also matters more than quantity. There were years I got the newest gaming system and maybe 2 games while my sibling got a pile of barbie items. Those three items were better than their dozen or so in my eyes.” TinyRascalSaurus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… Outside of the obvious issues here someone in your family needs to stand on the side of not teaching children to be materialistic, entitled, selfish, unappreciative, ungrateful, and just plain rude. Nowhere in the real world is anyone required to gift in terms of being equal and fair to children that are not theirs either in number or costs to level the field between them and the children that are yours.
That’s absurd and teaching any child that should be their expectation is going to prove problematic throughout their lives.
If your parents want to engage in and/or encourage the expectation of fairness and instill a sense of entitlement in their grandchildren, fine, they can make up the difference, the same goes for your sister.
The worst kind of children are the children who ignore the gifts themselves to occupy themselves with the math of how much so and so spent and that’s what these adults are teaching children. I wouldn’t get behind that for a minute and hurting feelings is exactly what needs to happen because that’s the real world.
You did the right thing.” aprl2271
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not only is this not exactly in the spirit of Christmas, but the reaction from the child and lack of correction from your sister also suggests that he’s ‘spoiled’. Now, he’s a kid and it’s not his fault, he doesn’t know better.
But it’s up to your sister to explain.
The gift is from you collectively as a household, not from each child. I don’t expect separate presents from my aunt and uncle because there are two of them, even though I buy each of them a gift.
Christmas isn’t about giving to receive.
It’s not about matching monetary value to the cent. It’s about the thought that goes into the gifts.” BeautyAndTheDekes
18. AITJ For Not Letting My Nephew Take My Toy?
“I (16F) bought a power wheels monster truck on an online marketplace for cheap and then my dad replaced the battery with one he found on eBay. I wanted to keep it at my parents’ house because my nephew (3M) has a big field to drive it in and I babysit him 3 times a week.
I also wanted to keep it so that if I babysit other kids they can use it too. It’s like a $400 truck that I got for $100 including the cost of the new battery.
My nephew loves the power wheels and I explained to him that we are going to leave it at my house so that when it gets warm again he can drive it in the field.
My sister-in-law (22F) got angry because she thinks that because I bought it with the funds I got to babysit my nephew and he is the only kid that I babysit that I should let her take it to their house. I told her that I bought it to help me babysit and make my nephew more excited to come over.
She offered to give me the $100 for it, but I turned it down and said that he can use it at my house when I babysit him and that my house is a lot safer for him to drive it at. At her house he would have to drive it on the road, it’s not busy, but he would still need to have someone walk with him constantly.
At my house, he can drive around in the field and you don’t have to worry about cars or other people. You still have to pay attention to him but it’s less likely that a car speeds by.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, regardless of what the item in question is, it’s your property. Regardless of how you earned the money to purchase the item, it’s your property.
If your sister-in-law wants a Powertruck for their home, she can buy one, and keep it wherever she wants, as that would be her property. I have tools of my trade (as you’ve classified this item) and my boss has no right to them, they’re my property, even if he paid me to buy them and they’re used for the work I do for him.” Frankly_Ridiculous
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You bought it with your funds. If your money is somehow still your sister’s money because you acquired it babysitting her son… then you’re actually babysitting for free.
And frankly, it doesn’t matter why you bought the truck. It’s yours. Even if you bought it simply to play with yourself and not for babysitting gigs, it is yours.
You decide where it stays and who uses it.” TheUpwardsJig
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It is YOUR truck you bought with YOUR funds and you get to decide where it is kept and who can use it or not. The fact you used your babysitting fund is a total red herring, it does not matter how you earned it, once they pay you for the service that is your money to do what you want.
What could you get for it from eBay? That would end the debate. Since your sister can’t accept you trying to do something nice without spoiling it, just get rid of the entire thing.” Red_Cathy
17. AITJ For Expecting To Be Invited To My Aunt's Wedding?
“My Aunt (F48) is getting married in three weeks, she sent invites out about 5 months ago so this all took place 5 months ago. In the invitation, she clarified she wanted no children at the wedding. However, when I didn’t get an invitation I assumed it was a mistake and messaged her just asking if it was.
She said no I’m a child so I won’t be allowed to attend. For clarification we live in the UK where a child is classed as under 18, I’m 19 and two months off 20 so I was 19 when these invites were sent out. I wasn’t sure how to feel about this as obviously, I’m not a child, I don’t live with my parents, I drive, I pay bills and I’m in university.
She still insisted I was a child and didn’t want me there.
She and I have always had a decent relationship, a few disagreements but we’ve always been happy to talk like I imagine most Aunts and Nephews do. I left it for a month and when it came a bit closer again I asked if I was still classed as a child and to be fair I did say it snarkily but now she says there’s absolutely no chance as I’ve been stressing her out and causing her to be worried around her wedding, this was still two months ago so like 3 months before the wedding?
Luckily everyone else in my family is just as confused as I am, maybe I did something without realizing but if I did I have genuinely no idea what I did.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but drop it. She’s the jerk for not inviting you but you can’t bully your way into a wedding.
Sorry she’s being such a jerk to you, I guess you know where you stand with her.” 21stCenturyJanes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you’re an adult, but she sees you as a nephew and therefore a child.
I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s an ego thing and she doesn’t think she’s old enough to have an adult nephew.
Whatever her reasoning, she’s excluded you from the event. She’s made it clear where you stand with her and I wouldn’t put any more effort into a relationship with her.” Fenriswolf_9
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your Aunt is wrong for excluding an almost 20-year-old as a ‘child’. There is obviously another reason she does not want you there and she should have told you or your parents.
However, you did not need to be snarky and if you are always like this perhaps this is the reason you were not invited.” OrcEight
16. AITJ For Wanting To Feel Included In My Husband's Family's Discussions?
“My husband (35) and I have been together for about 3 years now and married for 4 months. We are in an interracial marriage, him being white (German) and me black. We both speak English as our home language, however, his family speaks German as their first language.
I’ve gone on holidays with his family when we were going out and even stayed with his parents for two months before we purchased our house.
Whenever I’ve been around his family the language spoken was 85% English and 15% German, I understand basic German words. For our first holiday as a married couple, we decided to spend about 5 days with my family and 10 with his as his sister flew down, especially for this holiday. Now the problem is that since we’ve been on holiday his family speaks 95% German and only 5% English at the dinner table, alienating me from the conversation.
I raised this with him and he said he’d fix it. Yesterday during dinner he started replying to his family in English, hoping they would also switch to English but this never happened, it was still 95% German. I lost my cool this morning when we were all having breakfast and his mom prayed in German, she mentioned everyone at the table except for me during the prayer.
The conversation then proceeded to be 100% German with absolutely no English. I finished my breakfast, got up, and went straight to pack my bags. My husband could tell that I was upset. I told him I’m going home to enjoy the last 7 days of my holiday in peace. He proceeded to say I’m overreacting & that everyone just forgets to switch to English, it’s not personal and he’s gonna fix it.
He had 3 days to fix it and did nothing.
AITJ for cutting the holidays short as my husband also left when I did? He’s now upset that we could have stayed and I should have told everyone how I felt.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
First, let’s just address that you were very likely the only black person at a table full of white people.
You were already the odd man out physically speaking. To then be further isolated by having to sit there while people carried on whole conversations (and a prayer that conspicuously lacked your name) in a language they knew you didn’t speak is appalling. Just imagining that made me feel uncomfortable.
It’d be one thing if his family didn’t speak any English, but they do.
So what is their excuse for knowing, but not speaking, the only language their guest would understand? ‘Forgetting’ to switch when they haven’t had that problem in the past feels… unlikely.
Your husband is married to you now. You should be his first priority, as should your comfort. Perhaps if he’d gotten more upset on your behalf than his parents, you might’ve had cause to stay for the entire trip.
I say good on you for shutting the disrespect down and leaving.” TheUpwardsJig
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
The family sucks because they probably are intentionally speaking German to alienate you to some degree. Maybe they think this will encourage you to speak German, but they’re not going about it in a positive way.
Your husband sucks because despite asking them to speak in English and trying to get that to happen, it hasn’t and he somehow thinks it will.
You suck because it doesn’t seem like you’ve made much effort to learn German in the three years you’ve been together, knowing that his family is primarily German speaking.
And I’m sorry to say, but you can’t always expect everyone to cater to your need (such as dishing English for you). If you tried to engage them in German, they might actually be more willing to include you in the conversation (which also goes to them sucking), and that will help improve your capabilities in the language.
Also, if you and your husband plan to have children, I wouldn’t be surprised if his parents will only speak to your children in German, so you might want to get a jumpstart on that so you can get involved. Otherwise, you’ll be in this situation more.
I do understand why you want to leave since it can’t be a good feeling to be iced out like this when you know they can speak English, but it’s not unreasonable for them to expect you to learn German.” kevipants
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to go with YTJ here. You have been with your partner for 3 years and know that German is his family’s first language and haven’t bothered to learn anything but a few basic words. Then you go into their home and expect them to only speak English when you have said they speak 100% German when they are at home.
It’s their house and the language they speak at home. Obviously English isn’t their first language and they are in their home. You are going to have a big family problem if you can’t be bothered to learn the language they speak probably 98% of the time.
His family shouldn’t just be expected to talk only English around you.
Go get tapes, take a course because if you are married to this man for the rest of your life you are going to be a very lonely woman at his family gatherings because they shouldn’t be expected and nor should they just speak English because you are there. Learn their language, I’m sure it would be greatly appreciated.” dreweby
Another User Comments:
“After 3 years of a serious relationship that led up to marriage with someone that speaks a different native language than you, all you bothered to memorize were some basic words in that language?
That was most definitely received by his family – that you actively wanted to be a part of by marrying him – as: you do not care about their culture or talking to them outside of your comfort zone and that you expect them to accommodate you forever.
That’s lazy and entitled of you.
‘and even stayed with his parents for two months before we purchased our house. Whenever I’ve been around his family the language spoken was 85% English and 15% German.’
So they’ve hosted you for two months and didn’t speak their native language AT THEIR HOME JUST FOR YOU. And instead of being very grateful that they did that in the first place, you demand they keep doing that forever because you feel like bridging the language gap is 100% on them and 0% on you.
A whole family has to change their language around you because you, one person, the new addition to that family, cannot be bothered to put some effort into learning more than basic words to converse with them.
No matter how good their English is and how comfortable they are speaking it (you didn’t give any info on that so they might not be as comfortable speaking it as you assume) you can’t express yourself the same way in the same nuance in a different language as you could in your native language and it’s most definitely on you to carry that burden 50% of the time.
They’re probably sick of your nonsense and made it a point to make you feel left out, which is immature and rude. So despite you causing the problem, I don’t blame you for leaving.
Everyone sucks here.” King_Julien__
15. AITJ For Refusing To Eat The Food My Friend's Dad Made?
“So I’ve been staying with my friend for Christmas and New Year’s as I don’t get to see her often.
Before I came to stay her dad had her ask if I had any food I don’t like so they don’t make anything I can’t eat, I told her I’d eat anything except mushrooms which I have a very strong aversion to.
The last few days everything has been wonderful and the food delicious, but last night dinner was served, it was a pasta dish with mushrooms. Her dad told me he had removed basically all the mushrooms from my plate as he knew I didn’t like them.
I tried to eat around what little mushrooms there were and be polite but the taste was there even without mushrooms being strongly present because they’d been cooked together. So after a few bites that turned my stomach, I ended up eating mostly just bread trying not to make a big deal out of it worried I’d upset him.
Later on, when I went out to get something at the shops, I bought myself a sneaky Mcdonald’s.
My friend thinks I have been extremely rude to her dad and that he was upset I didn’t fully finish my meal and how wasteful I’d been. I explained the mushroom taste was overwhelming and made me feel ill and that I’d told her I couldn’t eat them.
She thinks I am exaggerating and that since there were basically no mushrooms physically present it should have been fine, AITJ for this?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Your friend’s dad took your dietary preferences into account, and you tried to be polite when his consideration fell just a little bit short. The two of you both did your part to make the meal work, but unfortunately it just…
didn’t. That’s okay.
What, exactly, does your friend want you to do? You can’t go back in time and force yourself to eat it. Nor can her dad go back in time and prepare a dish without mushrooms, which a part of me wants to argue would have actually been the best thing to do here.” TheUpwardsJig
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you tried to hide that you were not eating it. I have a mild allergy that keeps me from eating certain foods, no anaphylaxis just hives and discomfort, and I have been in that situation too many times to count. People just don’t realize that when cooking with something, just fishing it out isn’t enough.
You tried to spare his feelings and didn’t complain, so there should have been nothing for anyone to get upset about.” Momo222811
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
The dad, who is letting you stay with their family over Christmas and New Year’s, is cooking presumably all the food, and since is asking about diet requirements, is also handling some logistics, is not a jerk.
He even cooked your food and then personally took out the parts you didn’t like. That’s very attentive.
I would definitely leave a gift as a thank you for letting you stay just to smooth over any rough edges.” DM_me_goth_tiddies
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your friend is a bit.
You tried to eat around it and not say anything. If you are asked what you cannot eat for various reasons and you get served exactly that it’s not rude to not eat that. You tried, you kept your mouth shut and ate something later. That is basic good manners. Just because it’s served doesn’t mean you have to eat it.
What would have happened if you had an allergy to mushrooms?” Sabbatha13
14. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go On Vacation With My Mother-In-Law?
“My (29f) husband’s (30m) mom is a really cool person, I want to state that right away – she is not some cliche mother-in-law from the underworld at all, but she is the type of person who clings to her son and expects him to make her his first priority in life. He is not giving in to this at all and he lets her know that he has his own family now, etc. I do think she kinda made him her surrogate husband when he was younger.
She lives 1,30 hours away from our city, so we visit her every month for a couple of days and weekends because we can both work from home, I think this is important to note. It’s not like we see her only for Christmas…
Her birthday is on the 12th of August. We live in a country that has its own big seaside and summer is the holiday season when we all plan our vacations around the end of July/beginning of August. I love going with our friends, the sea, the parties, eating out every night (delicious seafood…) and I wait for that time the whole year.
We always make our plans around her birthday which I totally understand. We usually go to the sea for holiday and then on the way back to our city we make a stop for 2-3 days in her city to be with her. Last year we went for her 50th birthday on a full 7 days holiday with her and the year before that we went for 4 days.
I understood that because it was her 50th birthday and reaching that age is more special in our country.
However, yesterday she calls my husband and says that she went ahead and booked 6 days trip at the beginning of August for her, her partner, and us to a ‘certain holiday place’ that she wants to visit for her birthday.
Not only that but this holiday place is in another country so there is no way we can combine our own holiday with hers. Well, I got upset. I spoke to my husband that I don’t think it’s okay for her to just plan a holiday without even asking if we agree to this, even if it’s her birthday and even if she is paying, especially during the holiday season which I really prefer to spend with friends (spend 6 days with friends and then 2-3 days with her, her birthday falls on Friday this year, so we can spend the Friday and weekend with her).
Also, we have to take those days from our paid vacation time, it’s not like we don’t have work or we can just take whatever days we want so we can just go with her and then with friends. He said he is going to talk to her but it’s hard for him and we gotta come up with a compromise.
I feel like the jerk because it’s his mother’s birthday and maybe it’s not right to make a big fuss about it, but I really think that it’s not okay to just book 6 days without even asking. She is not alone as well, she has friends, she has a partner, she could always do a holiday trip with them and then have the weekend with us, but my husband says she wants to spend it with us (well him mostly).
Just to mention and give some other perspective, my mother always asks us if we have the time for a trip for her birthday and if we don’t she goes with dad and her friends, and then we do dinner with her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. You 2 are adults and can take your own vacations.
There’s only so much time and space in life for vacations and you don’t need to spend it doing what other ppl want, even if it’s for his family. If either your husband or his mom or her partner, who are also adults, can’t understand this without prolonged and repeated explanation, then maybe you should go on vacation with your friends.
I actually went through a similar thing.
I can’t get my wife to take a vacation that doesn’t center around her family. It’s always either running errands and doing chores for her parents or sitting there doing nothing while she and her brother gossip and smoke after I take time off work. And every time I’m just mad and she doesn’t get it.
Put your foot down or it won’t get any better, don’t set the precedent that that’s OK, you’re an adult with friends and a job, and if he’s more into his mommy than he is to you, that’s never gonna change if you don’t make the change. I know it’s hard, but the alternative is to let his mom essentially govern your vacations forever.” j-sd
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is beyond rude and controlling. Does your husband say you have to reach a compromise? You already HAVE a compromise – you are good with spending 2-4 days with her that dovetail with your vacation. She did this on purpose to trap you into her vacation plans. Don’t give in – it will just continue year after year.
And once again, the husband needs to man up and manage his mother – seems to be a theme.” SatelliteBeach123
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is manipulative on the MIL’s part. She made these plans without consulting you first, knowing how hard it would be to refuse her. Also, sidebar, if your MIL still expects to be the #1 priority in her son’s life when he is married with a family of his own, then contrary to your suggestion, she is one version of that cliché mother-in-law.
This shouldn’t be a hard conversation for your husband to have with her. NO is a complete sentence.” intolerablefem
13. AITJ For Not Wanting To Get In The Middle Of My Friend's Dispute With Our Landlord?
“Until march 2020, my (22F) friend (22F) and I lived together. Since we were living abroad and didn’t know what was happening with the crisis, we both traveled back to our respective countries. As this was a rushed decision, we didn’t pack everything, assuming we’d all be back soon.
During the six months we were living together, she would ignore my landlord’s calls and texts and avoid his presence at all costs, because she couldn’t afford to pay rent, as her dad got sick at the start of the contract and couldn’t work.
So, when we left, she still owed him £2K.
I returned half a year later to our house, she didn’t so she could work in her family business.
I, because I was the only one returning to the UK, was asked by some of my friends to send their stuff back.
I sent everything to everyone (they planned their own delivery, paid for everything including packaging, and were very hands-on with the process) except her.
She asked me to go through her stuff so she could choose what she wanted to keep, and so I did this on a video call with her. She then just told me to figure out how much everything weighed and the least costly way of sending her her own things. She knew we didn’t have a scale in the house and that I was an unemployed student without any savings, trying to find a job while also studying hard so I’m not sure how she hoped I’d go buy a new scale, buy new packaging, package everything, compare prices and deal with all the responsibility for her to only pay me later.
Part of our contract says that my landlord can keep the belongings of anyone who has not paid their rent.
By the way, I know usually landlords suck but not this one. He made our rent so cheap and, when I owed him 2 months of rent, he completely understood and patiently waited for the money.
He also has told me several times that if he got his money back, he himself would send her stuff back if she wanted to but, for now, her belongings are the only thing giving him hope that he will one day see the money.
He’s unaware of what she has been asking me to do for over a year now.
She hasn’t been harassing me or anything with it online but she says she really needs her winter clothes, and that she can’t afford clothes right now. This is why I feel I am a jerk. I genuinely understand what it is to be in need, I’ve been in the same position before, but I also do not want to betray my landlord.
While I love her very much and I understand her situation, I also do not want to be in the middle of this. In my opinion, paying our landlord has never been her priority from the start and her belongings are now his.
Even though I’ve expressed this to her, she just said he won’t even notice and told me she intends on paying everything back.
I’m just not comfortable with all this.
AITJ for not sending my friend her belongings even though she can’t afford more?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
For me, the landlord issue has nothing to do with it. She expects you to do all the work, including figuring out which would be the cheapest method to ship it.
I would not do anything else for her until she pays you for both packaging costs and shipping costs. You (both of you) can make a rough estimate of the weight, add another 20% to the weight, and then she can go online to figure out how she wants it shipped. AFTER she sends you the full cost of the shipping charges and the packaging costs, then and only then will you ship it.
Obviously, there is still work for you to do, but she needs to do as much of it as possible online. And you do nothing more until you are paid.” AnnieJack
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s asking you to screw over someone who was helpful to you on her behalf. I understand bad financial situations, but from the sound of things, this could easily be resolved with a simple convo between her and the landlord.
He just wants to be paid eventually, and he would probably be willing to let her pay him back over time if she simply accepted responsibility and had a conversation with the guy. The way she’s going about it seems very underhanded and not at all honorable.” StrawberryGusher
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she is not your friend and you could be legally responsible if you remove your landlord’s property as it no longer belongs to her per the contract she signed when she moved in.
If she needs her former belongings that badly then she needs to contact the new owner of them, your landlord, and work it out with him. None of this is your responsibility.” 1976Raven
Back off and let her work it out with him directly. Hopefully he's less naive than you and won't let get away with it.
12. AITJ For Asking My Partner To Do Some House Chores?
“Yesterday I, 32F, asked my SO, 35M, to help me more around the house. For context, he is a nurse and I am a teacher.
We both have jobs that work long hours and can be very demanding. Yesterday he asked me to plan a get-together for his family while he was at work. I tried deep cleaning the entire house and cooking food for said party before everyone arrived but did not get to our bedroom in time. So I locked it to make sure no one could see our mess.
Everyone arrived and the kids were upstairs playing in our daughter’s playroom. When he finally arrived from work two hours later he went to change in our room and then came back down.
Once the party was over we noticed the kids were all playing in our room as he had left it unlocked and we were so embarrassed. So I let him know that I wish he could help more so this wouldn’t happen again.
He claimed that he does do a lot and I shouldn’t be asking him to do more. He said he does the dishes at times, takes out the trash, puts away laundry at times, and cleans the toilets. I tried to explain to him that I wished if he did the dishes then he’d clean the entire kitchen as I do.
Clean the stove, mop the floors, pick up anything on the counters, and so on. If he was going to clean a toilet then do the whole restroom, the shower, the sink, the floors, etc. He said I basically want him to do everything around the house but he shouldn’t have to because he pays the mortgage.
I reminded him that I also work and pay everything else besides the mortgage and still do all those things. He then said I do the bare minimum too because I don’t iron for him or make him dinner every night so I shouldn’t be talking. He then broke up with me because in his mind I was basically saying I never think he’s good enough so he’s tired of having this conversation with me when according to him he does do a lot around the house.
Now mind you, he is a travel nurse so he will be gone for the next two months and I will really be doing everything myself while taking care of our daughter and working as a teacher. I reminded him that I’ll be doing it all myself so I just wished he’d help more while he was home but he refused to talk to me anymore as he usually does and started ignoring me from then on.
So now apparently I’m a single mom and really have to do it all myself because I asked him to help… am I really the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“So, he expected you to clean an entire house and cook food on a limited time scale and was annoyed that you couldn’t finish a room that most guests won’t go in and the children only ended up in because he forgot to lock it and that’s your fault.
It seems you were doomed to fail one way or another.
You aren’t a jerk for asking him to help out more, you both work so chores should be evenly split, you shouldn’t be doing most of the chores.
Use the next two months of him being away to set yourself up and hand him the divorce papers.
You deserve equality, not someone who hands the towel up when he’s asked to help out and tries to gaslight you by telling you, that he isn’t ‘good enough.'” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is tough because while he was doing something at home, he also foisted all the emotional labor of the home onto you.
You planned the gathering for him, you had to deep clean, you had to remember to lock the bedroom door, and now he is making you bear the burden for his not locking the door.
It does seem like his help was token chores, like you said, only doing one thing in a room instead of just cleaning the room itself.
And he is mad that you ‘don’t do much’ because you don’t iron his clothes for him? Seems like you will have much less on your plate to deal with by him being out of the picture. You are already doing most of it anyway, now you won’t have to do his stuff as well.” eczblack
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think maybe what you mean is you wish he had been there to help out with THIS situation, where you planned it all for his family. You can’t expect him to clean in the way you do, and it sounds like he does a lot. But maybe this time he dropped the ball and it was hard on you.
I think you went above and beyond and it’s stressful to try to plan for someone else’s family, but these things do happen. If and when he is reasonable. Maybe try to have a day to teach him how to clean like you do, my partner did that to me. I was mad at first because I thought I didn’t need it but I actually learned some new stuff since his mom used to do professional cleaning.
Tell him calmly and honestly how you feel and work towards teaching him to clean more thoroughly so you can hopefully prevent this from happening in the future. If he’s not willing to do that, I’ll tell you what. NO WOMAN will work full time, raise a child, cook, clean and make a man dinner every night.
That’s so wack he would even say that, a fantasy. Also, please be very mindful of what he does in the next two months he’s away, and do not take that lightly.” User
11. AITJ For Making My Mom Make My Doctor's Appointments?
“As background, I am 19 now and I have lived with very severe social and general anxiety for years before diagnosis at 13, as well as depression and undiagnosed ADHD.
When I am anxious I find it very difficult to speak and I generally can’t form long sentences, when I am very anxious I cannot speak at all.
I was a rather sickly child but don’t remember much other than being on a bunch of different pills and then it suddenly stopped. However, I still have a lot of medical issues, recently (read within the past 3 years) being diagnosed with PCOS, asthma, and a possible immune deficiency/disease.
My mother always made my appointments, not sure exactly why it was just easier.
This year I had to live alone for school, and due to the global crisis, I was completely isolated and my mental health plummeted (prior to this I was in a very good place with my anxiety and was able to shop completely alone, have limited conversations with staff ie ordering or asking where products were and was even able to book an appointment over the phone with a support person.)
Now I’ve moved back to my mother’s for the holidays and have mentioned a couple of times I’m struggling with chronic pains and exhaustion, she told me if I want to see a doctor then I’ll have to book an appointment. I tell her that I can’t and she kinda shrugs it off and says okay.
Other times I’ve mentioned my anxiety and depression have gotten so much worse, she tells me to book in with a psychologist and I say I don’t know how (not knowing how to do things/do them right is a major anxiety point for me) outside of doctor’s referral so she tells to make a doctor’s appointment and the cycle continues.
She’s done this since around when I was 13 to 14 but usually ends up booking an appointment anyway, but during the crisis, none of us have gone to the doctors and now she won’t make one.
My grandmother thinks I’m being ridiculous and that I should just book it and stop being a baby, that I’m an adult and I should act like one, but she also doesn’t believe in mental illness, so I’m at an impasse AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ. I know you believe that you can’t do this right now without your mom, but in my experience, if she does it for you, that will just prolong your anxiety. It will feel awful making the first appointment yourself, but you will feel better afterward.
As a side detail, I have a medical condition that causes me to lose my voice sometimes, and I use a text-to-speech app on my phone when that happens.
It makes me sound like a lizard person, but it works. Maybe you could try that?
Also, I wonder if it is possible for you to navigate a middle course with your mom. If you really don’t know where to call or what to say, could you ask her for help with that part, and then make the phone call with her present?
I have a plan for new, scary things with my kids: first, they watch me do it, then I watch them do it, then they do it themselves. It seems like you’re maybe ready to try the phase where your mom watches you do it, but you’re not yet ready to do it by yourself.
Maybe she would be more helpful if you showed her that you are on a plan to get to independence?” wombatIsAngry
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. I feel you 100% I used to have a lot of anxiety around that and my mom making me make my own appointments is what helped me get over it.
I’m sorry I know it’s rough and you’re getting that ‘you don’t get it’ feeling but it’s going to get to the point where your mom literally will not be able to make appointments for you. It’s better you learn now. I’m 19 too and I promise the more you do it slowly it becomes second nature.
I have friends who also struggle with this and one thing one of them does is write a script of what to say it won’t go exactly that way but it will help. Remember they don’t know who you are and honestly, I’ve admitted to being awkward and I’ve never had someone be a jerk about it, at some point in life everyone has had major anxiety about talking on the phone.
Plus I would like to mention in order to deal with anxiety and depression in a positive way go to therapy and in order to do that you have to make the first call explaining your problems.” GageTheWeirdo
Another User Comments:
“I’m surprised by the amount of ‘YTJ’ here.
Yes, as an adult they should be able to do this on their own, and they shouldn’t have to rely on their mother to book appointments/making phone calls.
They also should have been keeping better track of their physical/mental health before letting it get this bad.
However, I don’t think any of these things make them jerks. Just someone who needs a bit more work in certain aspects of adult life!
Also, in defense of OP, as another commenter has said, it sounds like their mom didn’t quite set them up to deal with these issues/situations on their own, so we can’t expect them to be fully capable from the get-go – especially when they’re only 19.
OP, it’s fine to get help and support from friends and family when you need it, but you should be working on a plan/system to be able to do this on your own – as hard as it is. I also have social anxiety issues (albeit on the milder side), so I understand that making a phone call or going to the doctor’s alone can be an extremely daunting task – but it’s something that needs to be done.
See if you can get some help and advice from your mom/a general script so that from now on you can work on doing this alone. You aren’t a jerk by any means, I promise you that, but you should work on this actively for your own sake! You’ve got this, OP!
No jerks here.” ebubibo
Another User Comments:
“A whole lot of YTJs showing incredibly poor reading comprehension here. OP USED TO be able to make her own appointments with support. Due to a downturn in their mental health, they are CURRENTLY unable to do so and need support to improve their mental state to the point that they can manage on their own again.
This isn’t an ‘oh, you want your mum to do it forever?’ issue. Telling OP to just get over it and ‘act like an adult’ is like telling someone with a broken leg to just walk it off.
No jerks here. There’s nothing wrong with needing extra support now and then. This kind of situation, where the things you need help for are the same things that make it difficult to get that help, is very common in people with mental health issues.
You don’t need judgment, or a stern talking to. You need help. I hope your mum can understand that and help you to move in the right direction.” ArcanTemival
10. AITJ For Walking Out Of A New Year's Eve Party?
“My family usually has a big New Year’s Eve get-together. Due to the ongoing conditions, we mostly passed on a big gathering. But my Grandmother (93) wanted to do a little gathering, restricted to people who lived geographically near her.
That led to a guest list of 6, myself, my wife, one of my uncles and aunts, and my younger brother. Party was hosted at my grandmother’s.
For as long as I can remember Grandmom has had trouble with names and faces, and in a lot of these gatherings or just other social visits, you are likely to be called anything from a grab bag of names of all of the people present.
This pattern continued at the New Year’s party, with the first ten minutes being called my Uncle’s name twice and my brother’s name once, and her getting my own name right 0 times. Tried to ignore it, but I was kind of annoyed by this. More annoyed than I usually get from her name forgetting, and I think it might be because I hadn’t seen her much in the past 2 years, what with the plague and all.
So when we settled down on opposite ends of the couch to chat, I was already in something of a bad mood, and as the topic of conversation meandered, I started talking about how my wife and I were watching this old British spoof news show called Brass Eye. Yadda yadda yadda, and after talking about it for a few minutes, in which she certainly seems to participate in the conversation, I suggest seeing if I can link to youtube on her TV and find a clip or two to see if the humor is to her liking.
Find a likely one, start playing it, and grandma immediately comes out with ‘What’s this?’
It’s the thing I was explaining to you for the past 5 minutes and has clearly made no impression. It just made me see red. Got my coat, stormed up and out without a word to anyone and walked home (about 2 miles).
My wife left shortly thereafter in the car because she wasn’t sure what happened to me when it became clear I wasn’t coming back. Well, my folks have been calling, mostly out of concern, and I’ve kind of sheepishly told them that I was absolutely furious with the family matriarch and simply had to get out or say or do something I would regret later.
I can tell this hasn’t gone over all that great. And from what I hear, the rest of the party was awkward and just kind of trailed along for a half hour or so before everyone else went home. AITJ?
I want to be clear that I’m sure grandmom doesn’t do it maliciously. But like I said, she’s always been terrible with names and faces, and I think her hearing and/or her ability to focus is going.
That part is definitely new.
EDIT: I am going to apologize to my grandmother and the other partygoers.
I do not believe my grandmother has memory issues. She retains and can communicate very well about things that are going on. I do think she has trouble hearing and maybe trouble paying attention. Once she’s noticed something though, she is definitely remembering it.
Just because she’s old doesn’t mean she’s senile or losing her memory.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You said yourself that she doesn’t do it maliciously, so why are you punishing her for something she can’t control? She’s 93, she’s bound to be forgetful even if she doesn’t have other issues that make it harder to remember things which sounds possible if she’s been this way since you can remember.
I bet she was excited to be able to see you after two years of limited contact and would’ve been very confused as to why you left. I get that it’s frustrating to deal with but she can’t help it, you reacted childishly and made the evening awkward for everyone else there. Not only that, but you left your wife there without communicating that you were leaving, if I were her I’d be very annoyed at you for that.
YTJ.” beckyconda
Another User Comments:
“You know she’s not doing it on purpose, she’s 93 and it’s completely understandable she might be forgetting stuff and not getting stuff even if you explain it to her. And you’re still asking if you’re the jerk for storming out?
YTJ, how is this even a question? If your grandma is so annoying to you, maybe you shouldn’t have gone to see her in the first place.
You acted as if she was cussing you out or insulting you.
She’s 93, most people won’t even live to see their 93rd birthday. My grandma is much younger, but she also mixes up names and doesn’t get a lot of stuff, but as much as it can get annoying, I understand that because I love my grandma more than I care about being called my actual name.
If you explained something to your grandma and she asked you about the same thing 5 minutes later, you should be worried if her hearing is okay, not storming out.” plushraccoon
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She is old. Memory goes when you get older and she at least tries. You heavily overreacted over two small things.
She got your name wrong, sure that can hurt a little, but getting that hurt over a memory mistake an old person (Maybe with a start of Alzheimer’s?) makes is a bit childish. Also, expecting an old person to understand technology is a lot. Wait until you are that old when your younger relatives talk about something completely new to you and then get mad when you don’t understand…” _SassyWalabi_
9. AITJ For Not Wanting To Celebrate My Son's Birthday On A Different Day?
“I have an 11-month son who is nearing his first birthday, the issue is he shares the birthday of his older cousin who passed away due to cancer when she was nine three years ago. I know this is a hard thing for the family and it’ll always be a sad thing for my husband’s side of the family but when his side of the family suggested we move all his future birthdays to a different date as that was ‘Her day’ I got rather upset and dug my heels in.
For context in case anyone wonders, they don’t do anything on this day in her memory, she was cremated so it’s not like there is a grave to visit and they don’t have a family get-together in her honor either, in those cases I could understand though I’d still be upset.
I don’t want my son to grow up in the shadow of his cousin’s death and always have his birthday be compared to hers but I also don’t want him to have his day pushed to the side, my husband insists it doesn’t matter and he’ll be happy whatever day we celebrate and yes maybe now he will be as he’s young and doesn’t know better but what about when he’s older?
If she’d recently passed away I’d be more understanding about this but it has already been three years if they’re still like this after so long I doubt they’re ever going to change on this. AITJ for being upset over this?
Edit: They’re aware they don’t have to come if they’re uncomfortable as I made that clear.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As you’ve said, as he gets older he’s going to know you aren’t celebrating his birthday, and he’s going to wonder why. He may feel guilt at being born on that day if it’s constantly painted as someone else’s day by your family, or he may feel like they don’t want him celebrating on that day because he’s not as good as the cousin.
He may not remember his first birthday, but this needs to be sorted out now before he is old enough to realize the family stresses going on around the day. He shouldn’t grow up dreading his birthday because it causes family unhappiness.” TinyRascalSaurus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – no one can change a person’s physical birthday.
It’s on his birth certificate. When you register him for school, you have to give the school his birthday and a copy of his birth certificate. Any sports team or recreational club or activity is going to want his actual birthday because they use it to determine age groups. When he eventually goes for his driver’s license, he has to know his actual birthday.
So, he is going to figure out sooner than later that you have been hiding his birthday. This isn’t going to end well for anyone because he is going to have negative feelings about his birth.
I think you need to look at his birthday as a blessing. Some greater power (whatever your beliefs are), decided that that day was meant to bring joy rather than sadness, and that’s why your son was born on that particular day.
I don’t think your niece would have wanted her family to do this to her cousin. Birthdays should be a celebration of life. Your husband‘s family will never find their way out of the grief by pretending that your son wasn’t born on the day he was.
You would not be good parents to your son by pretending his birth occurred on a different day.
Your husband‘s family needs to find a way to accept that your son was born on the same birth date as your niece. It needs to be his day where he is special and loved and wanted.” Buttercup303
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I kinda understand where the husband’s side of the family is coming from; they think they’re honoring the child’s memory.
The thing is.. .they’re just wrong. This ‘observation’ isn’t for the sake of the dead child; it’s for themselves. They don’t want to be reminded of their grief.
That’s a very normal, human response to this sort of grief, but their grief is preventing them from asking the really important question: What would the child have wanted?
I can’t imagine any child would want their baby cousin to have to put off their birthday. I can’t imagine that she would want ‘Her Day’ to be a day of sadness, rather than a celebration of life.
Maybe someday, the rest of the family will see it in those terms and your family can celebrate the lives of both children together.
Until then, OP, I think you made the right decision by telling them that you understand if it’s too uncomfortable for them to participate.” Competitive_Bag_3164
8. AITJ For Being Mad At My Mom Over Food?
“Today my mom was making lunch for New Year’s, we had breakfast and she was really tired. My sister and I overheard her that she has been craving a poke bowl. My sister misunderstood and bought her sashimi on rice which made her really annoyed. After seeing how annoyed my mom was I decided to order poke for her and made sure it was the correct kind and had all the things she likes.
When it got here she was downstairs working on some stuff, so I went down and told her to come up. Pretty much right as she saw it she got insanely mad and said ‘I don’t want it anymore, I wanted it at lunch not now,’ and just blows up. This got me really annoyed and we started going back and forth yelling at each other, I didn’t even have to buy her anything, she was mad, and I decided I would take it upon myself to make my sister’s mistake right and buy her what she originally wanted. AITJ for trying to make things right?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister tried to do something nice for your mother, made a mistake, and got yelled at. Then you tried to do something nice for your mother and got yelled at. Your mum was out of line both times.” ArcanTemival
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your mom sounds like a young child.
‘I don’t want it now, I wanted it earlier!’ Extremely immature.” ranyadukey
7. AITJ For Not Putting In More Effort On The House?
“My Uncle moved to Florida in November. We agreed that I would buy his home and land and pay him monthly. The house needs a LOT of work. My Uncle and cousin said they were going to come back the week of Christmas and finish doing work on the home, including flooring, ceiling, new doors, baseboards, electrical, etc. This was their idea, not mine.
My plan was to go over to the house and work on it from the time they left until they came back so it wasn’t so much.
Well, I found out that I have ACML (atypical chronic myeloid leukemia) and Aplastic Anemia. I also work a full-time job and am often in the office for 12 hours.
I have had to work on the weekends for the past 3 months (Sat AND Sunday) so I’m just exhausted. My partner has also had to work very late days and his job is more physical. He also waits for me to get off of work to drive me home because I’m so exhausted, I don’t trust myself behind the wheel.
This didn’t leave us much chance to go over and work on the house.
So, the week of Christmas comes and my Uncle and Cousin drive up to spend the week working on the house. They arrive on the 19th. Every night that week, I didn’t get home until 8:30-9:00 pm, and neither did my partner, I also had my b***d transfusion and iron infusion on the 20th and the 27th and a sleep study on the 28th, so I was feeling even worse, so we didn’t get to go over to the house until that following Friday (Christmas Eve).
We worked on the house some with them and then left and got home around midnight. Christmas Day comes and I’m up cooking an entire Christmas dinner for everyone and my partner has to go to his parents 3 hours away, so we weren’t able to go help on the house that day until much later so we didn’t get a lot done.
We went over on Sunday and helped and then Monday-Wednesday we went over as much as we could. We pulled up old and laid down new flooring, painted the ceilings and the walls, and put in the new baseboards.
On Wednesday, the day they are leaving, I get this long text from my cousin telling me how I’m a jerk, selfish and ungrateful because I didn’t go over and help them more.
Because I didn’t make more of an effort. That they lost a very important holiday with their family in Florida to come up and work on a house that he was selling me and I didn’t have the decency to come over there and help them. Still today I’m getting passive-aggressive posts made about me on social media, I’m being messaged directly and just having vile things spewed at me for not doing more than I did.
This is also the family whose brother I took off of life support for them while they were on vacation. Also, let me say that this Uncle married into the family, not that it really matters.
So, AITJ for not doing more than I did at the time?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They agreed to fix these things during the sale, so it was really their obligation.
But also, I just feel like anyone who thinks you were bad for not helping more would immediately change their tune if the response they got was ‘Did you know I had to have TWO b***d transfusions while they were in town?’
Add on the part about how you are actively working to get healthier and didn’t choose the time they came, but helped them for X hours in between a sleep study, b***d transfusions, full-time work, and hosting Christmas and it seems to me like most people would pretty quickly realize that your uncle and cousin are being incredibly insensitive.
They should have seen this as a chance to step it up to keep their word about fixing certain things in the house to a sick family member, or they should have checked with you on when would work best for them to come since you are battling some health problems.” Then-Parking5635
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – If you had bought the house from someone else who had told you those things would be fixed before you moved in, you wouldn’t have had to work with them.
The same applies here, if your uncle told you things would be fixed for you to purchase, he’s the one that SHOULD be doing the work.” EvocativeEnigma
6. AITJ For Treating My Partner's Sister Like An Adult?
“I (22F) have been living with my partner (22F) of 3 years for the past year, we moved in together after the restrictions went down in my area but she asked if her little sister S (17F) could move in with us about 4 months ago since the apartment is under my name.
The apartment is a 2 bed 2 bath so the living conditions don’t matter here – we have enough privacy and she as an adult can come and go as she pleases with of course a few rules. She doesn’t pay anything and has never been asked to. Bills are separated between my partner and me as if we were living just the two of us.
So recently my partner and her sister got into a big argument because S kept coming home really late around 3-4 sometimes 5 in the morning. S kept saying she was almost a legal adult so she was free to do whatever she wants so I stepped in and said if she wanted to act like an adult we would treat her as such.
I told her when rent was due, split costs between the 3 of us, and told her her phone bill and car insurance were hers to take care of, my partner and I would no longer take care of it. She left upset and called me a jerk. Their mom called me and said it was not my responsibility to talk to her in that way and only she could make decisions on what S pays.
My partner said she’s not taking sides but she does appreciate me defending her but also states I shouldn’t have meddled. So AITJ for telling my partner’s sister we would start treating her like an adult?
Edit – IMPORTANT EXTRA INFO – Yes, the apartment is under my name only so I can kick them out BOTH if I really wanted to but I won’t – at least not my partner.
S lives with us because the university campus is almost one whole hour closer to us than her parents’ home (yes dad is still in the picture but that man only speaks to say hello lol). We also live in the middle of the apartment complex so during the day we can hear the upstairs neighbor moving up and down and we don’t want that to be the case for the downstairs neighbors so late at night when it should be quiet.
I myself am a heavy sleeper so unless she comes home wasted I do not hear her but my partner who is a light sleeper says S is not as quiet as she thinks she is and will come in talking/FaceTiming sometimes she’ll make a late night dinner etc. S ‘cannot get a job’ because she’s a full-time student and wouldn’t be able to commit to a job and her studies.
S lives literally for free, never has she once been asked to pitch in not even her snacks that neither my partner nor I will touch and uni expenses are covered by mom and dad. I think those are the most asked questions.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but Mom is a jerk too — how does the mom have a say in anything about what is acceptable when for all intents and purposes you’re paying for clothing and housing and paying for her child?
Mom doesn’t seem financially responsible for her child based on your post, so I really do not understand how she feels justified in what she’s saying and I personally really have a problem with how she spoke to you. I think both she and her daughter are very out of line and you did not overstep based on that.
The issue I see in all this is she lives in YOUR house, pays nothing, but acts as if she lives at home. She doesn’t.
Paying bills is totally reasonable and if not she needs to abide by normal household rules. Yes, I can stay out til 4 am if I want to because I am an adult — but I don’t since I work in the morning.
Sounds like she needs a job, you need to set stronger boundaries with your partner’s family because in my opinion how the mom spoke to you was wildly out of line for her daughter living for FREE in YOUR home. Sorry for the dramatics but hope it got my point across. but you are NTJ.” User
Another User Comments:
“I think I have to go with soft YTJ. You had good intentions, but it would have been better to let your partner handle that discussion. I assume you’re not paying her phone bill and car insurance. The rent, sure, but it would have been better to discuss it beforehand with your partner.
I think it’s seldom a good idea to make decisions in the middle of a fight. The issue here seems to be that your partner’s sister had other expectations than your partner (and you). The solution is that you sit down and calmly discuss those expectations – not suddenly change the rules of her responsibilities in the middle of a fight, without discussing it with your partner.
Also, even if you live with her, it would be better if your partner was the one who led the discussion.” Citrongrot
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I would ask for info but it’s too hard to know what concrete question to ask to tell me what I want to know.
All else being equal, the idea of you asking for someone to pull their weight in a household is obviously perfectly fair.
But it doesn’t sound like that’s why you suggested this. It sounds like it was kind of a derpy way of lording what power you technically have every right to over someone in order to back your partner because she’s feeling overprotective about how her more-or-less-adult sister is choosing to use her own agency.
What issue or action did this ‘adult-versus-child’ debate begin over?
Did S’s action genuinely affect either of you two? (‘I was worried about her’ doesn’t count, short of an extreme in which S is doing illegal stuff.)
As the youngest in my family, I can tell you that the whole ‘if you want to be treated like an adult’ ultimatum, is often used in a deeply childish way by parents or older siblings who are mishandling their relationships with their own feelings about someone else’s autonomy and would benefit from more adult & mutually respectful ways to communicate boundaries.
For instance: If she’s coming in late at night and it wakes you up or leaves a mess you don’t like in the morning, then the issue is that she needs to keep it down because she lives with other people with different needs – not that she’s ‘making immature choices’ by exercising her agency in a way you wouldn’t.
I’m inferring a lot here, and feel free to tell me if I’m wrong, but this is the scent I’m picking up from your post.
As for rent/bills/etc: were you already thinking that she should contribute? Were you starting to resent the fact that she wasn’t? If so, cool. It’s a perfectly reasonable ask.
If not, then something else is going on here and you’re just mixing issues and grabbing for control. You want her to ‘act like an adult’ (however you define adult)? Then start acting like one yourself, and give her the respect that adults owe each other: figure out what the real issue is and communicate that to her straight.” Butterballer417
5. AITJ For Giving Unsolicited Advice?
“My friend (32f) and her son (11m) have gone through the wringer these past few years. They escaped my friend’s now ex-husband, and the ex had a kid with his mistress, then there was the divorce and move to a new state, and the ex has now been MIA from the son’s life for years.
It’s a really horrible thing for anyone to go through let alone a little kid. Understandably, he’s found an outlet for his stress and has really clung to eating junk foods. My friend told me that he’s nearly double his weight from 3 years ago at this point and the doctor is concerned because he now has very high cholesterol.
They’ve implored her to change up his diet, something she told them she would do several times now but has told me privately that she simply cannot.
She told me that he will literally only eat junk food and will refuse to eat at all if he doesn’t get what he wants. It’s only pasta, cakes, cookies, chips, pizza, fried foods, etc…
she complains about it pretty often but she really doesn’t want advice, she just likes to be comforted and supported but when she sent me a recent picture of him I had to say something.
I told her that she needs to do something before he was hospitalized. Stop buying cakes and most of the snacks and opt for some healthier options.
Don’t cut him off all the way but there’s no reason why there needs to be cake at the house 24/7. Encourage time outside since all he does after school is play video games. They have a dog that never goes outside save for bathroom breaks (a whole separate issue I have) but tell him to take the dog for a walk.
Go with him, even. It’ll be a bonding experience. Whatever she decides, she has to do something before he gets more sick.
The unsolicited advice wasn’t well received. She was really hurt and angry that I criticized her parenting when she was doing the best she can and I have no idea what it’s like so I can keep my opinions to myself.
She basically told me to butt out and thinks I’m looking down on her. She’s really hurt and I feel bad but more than that, I’m very concerned. I don’t think anyone’s going to help that boy. Am I way out of line? Be honest.”
Another User Comments:
“Normally, I would be all over the YTJ when it comes to telling someone else how to parent.
But in this case, she is ignoring medical advice and knowingly putting her child’s health in danger. She is setting him up for a future of physical and mental discomfort, possible bullying and social isolation, chronic illness, and likely an early grave. She doesn’t need affirmation, she needs prodding in the right direction. You are putting the well-being of the child first, above even your friendship.
NTJ. And I would strongly suggest to her that both of them need therapy to find other less damaging ways to deal with the trauma they have undoubtedly suffered.” Chef73
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but… she knows what needs to be done, it’s the how she’s struggling with.
Sometimes a blunt conversation can help, and maybe it did reach the stage where intervention was needed. Maybe she’ll be thankful in the end.
Sometimes you have to think about how to help in a more subtle, incremental, or indirect manner. Venting your frustration at someone who is venting at you might be understandable but possibly not all that helpful!
You could try some conversational techniques. Ask her how it’s going, gauge to see if she recognizes a problem, ask what she’s tried, what plans she has.
Then offer some encouragement or examples before you even get to your ideas, tips, and recommended strategies.” housemuncher
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Your heart was in the right place & it sounds like your delivery was as gentle as possible. That being said, you’re not in the trenches with her every day, nor do you carry her unique emotional burden.
As a foster mom, I totally feel your pain & frustration at not being able to help an innocent child. Unfortunately, humans are wired imperfectly. You can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped & words rarely make an impact on learned behavior.
If & only if…1. Staying friends with her doesn’t cause you mental or emotional harm by feeling helpless & 2.
You guys patch things up between you – find ways to lead by example. Offer to take the kid on a camping trip. Offer to come over & cook dinner.
I had a very similar situation with a friend. I basically stepped in & acted as his father. After 10 years, my friend got out of her slump.
She paid off all her debt, went back to college, & is in a much better mental state. I’m back to being an aunt & she’s rocking it as a mom. Help comes in a lot of different forms. You just gotta figure out a form that works for you & her.” Farmof5
4. AITJ For Not Forcing My Son To Apologize To My Wife?
“My son ‘Finn’ (18) is from a previous relationship.
Since early childhood I had full custody; his mother is not in the picture. We were both young when he was born, so his childhood was a little unstable for a bit. However, I have my life together now. I got married when he was 7, and together my (m37) wife ‘Mary’ (f40) and I live as a blended family, with my two stepsons ‘Cody’ (16) and ‘Lucas’ (18).
Yet, I have noticed some issues. Finn is a very sensitive kid, and Cody and Lucas are nothing like this. So, altogether, they tend to get along for a bit, like most kids do, and then have fights. It’s always Cody and Lucas vs Finn, which is a bit upsetting, but again – kids fight.
Everyone gets disciplined and these fights were pretty normal stuff, arguing about games, tv, etc. However, recently, I have noticed them get a little political. The boys tend to disagree about topics like these, so I’ve banned it at the dinner table.
Finn then came out to us as bi this year. My wife is Christian; so are the boys.
I’ve always been unlabelled, open to it, but not entirely into organized religion. Due to this, my wife used unfortunate phrasing, like calling him confused and saying that he was too young to know for sure. I told her at the time to respect how he identifies. My logic is – so what if it changes?
You need to support your kids regardless. So, that was dropped. The boys seemed confused by it, but they didn’t say anything in front of me after that.
Overall, I thought it went well. All the worrying behavior Finn displayed – staying out late, being withdrawn, etc. seemed to fade away for a good week, like a weight had been lifted.
Then it started up again and came to a head on New Year’s. My wife traditionally cooks a big dinner for New Year’s, we have a few family members over, and we all say things that we are thankful to God for, and how we’re going to improve ourselves. She was giving her speech, which was all about how family was the most important thing in life and how we should be grateful to each other, to which Finn gets visibly upset to the point of tears.
He stands up and says that that was ironic, considering the things they say to him. I asked what he meant, and it all came out that the boys had started making gay jokes frequently and that my wife, separate from that, had started scaring him by showing him worrying statistics about LGBT youth/bi men.
I was stunned and disturbed when this came to light. Finn was crying and left the room after exposing all the things they’d been saying without my knowledge. I left the party to comfort him while my wife continued hosting.
So, my wife thinks he’s humiliated her in front of the family, ruined the night, and overreacted to things and thinks he should apologize to her, the boys, and the family.
I, however, have refused and this has caused a big argument between us. Am I the jerk for refusing to make him say sorry? I think my wife owes him one.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But WHAT!? Firstly, no one can expect to give a hypocritical speech about their virtuous values and not get called out by a family member who’s been suffering because they don’t actually abide by those values.
Not to mention that the speech was also about how she plans to improve herself in the coming year. Seems like you might have a few suggestions.
The other colossal hypocrisy here is that scary statistics about being a young gay or bi person exist because of people acting like your wife and stepsons. She is purporting to try to protect him against this inevitable risk, but she’s actually creating the risk through her treatment of Finn.
The term ‘gaslighting’ is misused so frequently, but this fits. She is supposedly expressing care for your son by frightening him into rescinding his identity by showing him the kind of danger he could experience… while actively creating those dangers.
Your son is in danger of living in this environment. Good job backing him up, but there need to be a lot more changes for him to be supported.” Em_Tropy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for this instance. But I would take a long hard look at how well your family actually blended.
Also, why do you believe if it’s always your stepsons against your son that it’s just typical siblings fighting and not your son enduring bullying and not feeling safe to tell you?
How much have you been willing to overlook or brush off? Has it been Finn telling you it’s just siblings fighting or everyone else?
How can you be sure your wife hasn’t been going behind your back and encouraging this kind of behavior for years if she’s going to go behind your back and make your son feel scared, unwelcome, and unloved?
If he was 14 or 15 would she be trying to convince you that she found this great ‘camp’ for your son and would you have just taken her at her word? Because she sounds like someone who also believes that you can ‘pray the gay away’.
You need to take a long hard look at your marriage and your family.
Because If things continue the way they are you’re going to end up without Finn in your life. He’s old enough to walk away from his ‘family’ including you if he doesn’t feel safe and accepted. Which he doesn’t. You having to wonder if you’re the jerk tells me you’re not doing enough to ensure he is.
I hope Finn realizes he can make his own family and doesn’t have to subject himself to this hatred.” gyyr
Another User Comments:
“You are on the thin line between YTJ and NTJ. What you do next will solely determine which is true. You were not aware of what your wife and stepchildren were doing and you get a half-hearted pass on that (though seeing his worrying behavior return, you should have reached out to him and asked him what was happening).
But now, you know. What are you going to do? To be in the NTJ territory, you should tell your son that you love him and you will always support him. That you are sorry that you created a situation where he was not comfortable reaching out to you with his troubles. You will have to break off the marriage because this is non-negotiable.
Your wife and her kids were making your son unwelcome in his own house. If you continue to live with them, it is certain that your son will go no contact or low contact in the future. You need to put your foot down and tell your wife to sod off.
So choose wisely. You can stand up for your son and become NTJ, losing your wife and her kids.
Or else, you can try to make the family work where you will have your wife and her kids but you will definitely lose your son in a few years and that will put you in YTJ. The choice is yours.” hk3d
3. AITJ For Asking My Husband To Pretend He Enjoys Receiving Christmas Gifts?
“Christmas has always been a favorite holiday of mine, and the time with family has only become more important to me over time, even though I am not Christian.
My (31F) husband (34M) is the complete opposite. He does not like Christmas, does not like to celebrate it, and finds family celebrations tedious. He is areligious like me but doesn’t enjoy the holiday as a cultural holiday as I do.
We spent almost a week with his side of the family for Christmas this year and got some great family time.
Christmas with them looks different than it does with my side of the family, but it’s an enjoyable time. We had some good family time, some great food, and got to watch the kids open presents. The adults mostly stick to exchanging cash. We did a small gift exchange with my side of the family after we got back in town, and after an hour my husband was texting me that he was ‘over’ Christmas.
He opened gifts but showed little enthusiasm or gratitude, and actively seemed to pretend he didn’t like them even though he later admitted he did. After the gifts, he fell asleep with his head down on the dining room table, so I packed up our things and we left after 2 total hours. I was really upset since I had been looking forward to my family’s Christmas, and we had a pretty chilly night between us.
We’ve been together for a long time and my husband maintains that he does NOT want gifts. He even wrote a letter to me the next day to try and express how uncomfortable it makes him. This year I helped out my family with his gifts by ordering him things he already said he wanted and then giving them to my family for them to wrap and give to him.
This way he would only get things he actually wants (which has been a problem in the past). He felt hurt and undermined by this strategy when I thought it was a good compromise. I’ve told my family multiple times he doesn’t want presents, but gift-giving is a huge part of how my family celebrates and I do not think I’ll ever convince them to opt out of giving him something.
We have fought about this every year for the last 8+ years and I’m not sure where to go from here. This is our biggest argument every year. I think he should fake a couple of hours of enjoyment a couple of days each year for my sake, and he thinks me making him receive gifts is intolerable.
I maintain that I can’t control what other people do or do not get him, and he maintains that it is a surefire way to put him in such a bad mood that we have to leave quickly.
AITJ for asking my husband to fake enjoying receiving Christmas gifts?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If he doesn’t enjoy it, you shouldn’t force him to pretend.
That’s a surefire way to build up the resentment you’re now faced with.
You want him to compromise but what compromises do you give in return? Ordering things you know he wants your family to give him is not a compromise when he has explicitly stated that gifts are a hard no for him.
You are absolutely capable of setting boundaries for your family with regard to gift-giving.
Saying you have no control is a complete cop-out.
Don’t expect changes from him if you’re prepared to invalidate his feelings. All I see here is what you want, how it’s difficult for you etc. At no point have you taken his feelings into consideration.” Future-Ambition1859
Another User Comments:
“It seems he has a double standard.
For me, it seems he has no problem with Christmas. He has a problem with your family. You spend a week with his family and then he cannot spend an afternoon with yours? What a jerk. Unless your family is particularly vile towards him. I think your husband is the jerk here. What is he?
5? He cannot behave for a few hours? What a jerk. OP is NTJ. But her husband is an overgrown child. I’d have a talk with him about having double standards for his and your family.” hadriai
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re trying to make him sound like the bad guy when, like me, he hates Christmas.
You can’t force people to tolerate something they hate because even with time the level of tolerance will plummet FAST.
Trust me on this. I have a short list of things I tolerate for Christmas. That’d be 4 songs, advent, a small amount of food, and there are a few theme parks that have parades and I’ll check the online POV of them.
And kind of like getting gifts. That’s it. And even over the past few years, it’s become harder for me to tolerate things.
With the way Christmas is being pushed harder and faster every year, it’s not a surprise that there are Christmas haters out there. I mean like literally the only reason I even KIND OF looked forward to Christmas this year was because I picked out my gifts from mom to me and knew that I was getting Disney magical world 2 enchanted edition which I REALLY wanted since it’s a remake of a 3ds game I love.” User
2. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go Camping With My MIL Again?
“This past week, my wife ‘Chloe’ and I (both 33) went on a family camping trip. Attending were my stepson and daughter ‘Miles’ (16M) and ‘Alice’ (11F), my sister ‘Kay’ and her two kids, my brother ‘Zac’ (35M), and my MIL ‘Lindy’ (55? F). Chloe and my’s families are close (we were family friends before we even started going out), so it’s normal for both sides of our family to do things together.
We generally all get along, too.
Now, this particular campsite has bathhouses with toilets, but they are 15 minutes walk from the campsite we booked. I told the kids that they could relieve themselves in the woods, but they needed to bag any used toilet paper and throw it out, rather than leave it in the woods.
I also told them to bury any number 2 and not leave it lying around.
My MIL overheard this, but I guess she didn’t take it to heart. She spent the trip leaving ‘droppings’ all over the place, and it was honestly pretty gross and embarrassing. She doesn’t have any health issues that would prevent her from walking to the bathhouse, other than being a little fat.
She didn’t want to go far into the woods because of ‘spiders and rats’, and so she kept doing her number two right at the edge of the woods where people were likely to step.
On the second to last day, Chloe and Alice confronted MIL about her actions and asked her to be more discreet.
MIL went to sit in the truck and audibly cried for a half hour. She didn’t change her behavior either.
MIL and my ex-FIL got divorced about five years ago, and MIL’s been a pain in the butt since. As far as I remember, she was always fine during my and Chloe’s childhood, but after the divorce, she got really careless and narcissistic.
She got some expensive cosmetic procedures (while also refusing to contribute to Kay’s hospital bills after she had a seizure), constantly harasses ex-FIL, and recently even joined a community that sells naughty stuff. She’s turned into a big, obnoxious character, and nobody thinks her antics are cute anymore.
After the trip, I told my wife I was never going camping with MIL again.
We were meant to go to the family beach house for spring break this year, but I’m also reconsidering since MIL will be there. Chloe thinks I’m being too extreme about one incident, but I see it as a build-up of obnoxious actions that I just can’t stand anymore.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because it sounds like you’re using this unfortunate incident to avoid a woman you clearly don’t like. You wrote a paragraph about what a pain in the butt she is which has nothing to do with the incident. It’s an unfortunate & embarrassing situation, but that’s all it is. I’m also curious why you had to mention her being a part of the scheme as one of the negatives.
I’m guessing that means she is trying to sell products, and good luck to her in that case because I know someone who is so successful with her sales she went part-time as a medic to work for PR full time.” ceruveal_brooks
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sorry, the whole situation of: ‘she kept doing her number two right at the edge of the woods where people were likely to step’ – made me laugh so hard, I’m having a hard time thinking straight.
Sorry, I know this is upsetting for you, I just imagined the situation and couldn’t do anything but laugh.
There is no excuse for her behavior. She is not a pet, she is a grown-up human, she should not need someone else to explain why this is not ok, much less she needs someone else to take care of her poop (even some pets bury their poop.
For different reasons, but they bury them non the less). The whole crying situation is nothing but a grownup overreacting and making drama for being called out on her inappropriate (to say the least) behavior.
You have all the right to think that she won’t change her behavior, given the way she is and how she reacted when she got called out.” P40L4
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. There is not a single individual in your group who can justify defecating in the woods of a public campground, whether they dug a latrine, packed it out, or left it sitting. One’s body gives one ample time to know when to head to the toilet. And urinating should have been off-limits except at night when the urge woke someone out of their sleep.
It’s not just gross; it’s an environmental and public health issue.
As for your MIL, leaving her ‘scat’ around the edge of the woods seems bigger than just being obnoxious. This and the other actions you mention suggest she might be having mental health issues that Chloe needs to address in a private conversation, so I don’t think you’re reacting to one bad situation (in fact, you didn’t realize that in your description you ARE reacting to a pattern of behavior).
But this discussion certainly should not happen with 11-year-old Alice as a contributor. She’s not old enough to be ‘confronting’ her grandmother.” User
1. AITJ For Wanting To Stay In Bed?
“I (f27) am a pediatric nurse and have a 2-week break. My work is mentally taxing and honestly exhausting, I love it, but it can be draining at times. Because of this, I haven’t done anything so far into my break.
I’ve mainly slept, done a puzzle, read a couple of books, and slept (an outrageous amount). I live with my fiancé (m29). He went on the break a week before Christmas and starts again at the beginning of next week. I worked all the way up until Christmas Eve.
This morning I was sleeping and my fiancé comes in, turns on the lights, opens the curtains, etc and tells me I should get up so we can make some lunch together.
It was a little past 11 in the morning and I was exhausted, so I told him I didn’t want to get up yet and asked him to close the curtains and turn off the lights. He did it and left. 10 minutes later, the same thing. 15 minutes after that, the same thing. The third time he came in, I told him I had a headache and didn’t want to get up and the lights were hurting my head.
He got me an Advil and water, before leaving me for another 20 minutes.
This time, he seems very agitated. He tells me I have to get up and I can’t just lay in bed all day. I told him I’m exhausted and just wanted to rest, but he was having none of that. He kept pestering me, telling me to get up.
I finally snapped and told him to go away and leave me alone, and that he was annoying me. He got upset and told me he just wanted to spend time with me before he starts work again before claiming that I’m lying about having a headache and being tired because I don’t want to spend any time with him.
I told him I’m mentally exhausted and begged him to let me rest but he just left, slamming the door. He then blasted music loudly in the living room until I got up and apologized for lying about having a headache and spent some time with him. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your fiancé is a child.
The lack of respect for your need to rest is ridiculous. The lack of understanding about your potential burnout based on the work that you do and the climate we’re in with sickness all around, etc. isn’t just selfish it’s damaging. His behavior was childish and the worst part is that he has basically gaslit you for wanting to rest and recover.
Did y’all have plans today or did he arbitrarily decide this? Ugh. This is worth a serious sit-down conversation about your needs for your mental and physical health. If he’s not willing to get on board and accommodate, consider a new relationship.” Night_Owl_26
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You are exhausted and do need to recharge but it sounds like your relationship also needs some tender love and care.
You have a crazy hectic job that leaves you mentally drained. That probably means you haven’t been spending much quality time with your fiancé. From your description, you have taken a week to recharge. It makes sense that your fiancé thought you would want to spend some time with him on your break after you rest. It sounds like you need to make more of an effort to schedule some quality time with your fiancé.
That doesn’t mean it was ok for him to constantly pester you to wake up and then blast music. But I think you both need to talk and come up with a plan so that both of your needs are met.” rosered936
Another User Comments:
“You’re entitled to be tired and just want to rest.
Your partner is entitled to be a bit upset that you’re not spending time with him.
Where it all goes terribly wrong is him trying to pester you out of bed, hassling you every 20 minutes, and then blasting music til you get up. That’s punishing you into submission to get what he wants.
What he could have done is, y’know, talk to you about it when you were up and say that he wanted to spend some time with you before the holidays were over.
The ‘headache’ lie wasn’t ideal communication but an understandable attempt to respond to passive-aggressive hassling.
NTJ.” Left-Car6520
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You’ve spent most of your break sleeping and being solitary and your partner wants to spend a little bit of time with you and you fobbed him off with some nonsense to get him to leave you alone.
His feelings are probably hurt and your actions basically say ‘you’re not important to me’.
Honestly, it sounds like you’ve reached a burnout stage at work, or are depressed. Either way shutting your partner out isn’t the best way to go about things.” CrystalQueen3000
