People Get Defiant In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
19. AITJ For Suggesting My Friend Take Summer Courses Before Enrolling In University Full-Time?
“I (20M) have been friends with Bob (21M) since childhood, and our parents are friends.
We are opposites when it comes to school. I am an anxious overachiever, and Bob is much more relaxed about school. Often, Bob wouldn’t do homework or study for tests at all, and just floated through HS, not caring about grades. He had to repeat a couple classes but did end up graduating HS with bare minimum grades.
I know if Bob put the effort in, he would have done fine in school, but it was never something he cared about.
Fast forward to now, I am in my second year of university in an undergrad STEM program. Bob didn’t pursue secondary education but is now thinking about getting a STEM degree.
Bob has been out of academia for years at this point and wants to enroll in a full undergrad program, with 40+ hours of classes/labs a week while also working.
This is where I may be the jerk. I told Bob it wasn’t a good idea to plunge head-first into a full degree program, given that it is a very fast-paced academic program, and would require him to spend a lot of time studying and doing homework, which is not something he has ever done.
I know firsthand that good study habits are developed over time, and a full semester is a lot of money.
Instead, I suggested he take a few summer courses. The Uni offers some of the required general undergrad courses over the summer, so he would be required to take these in his program anyway.
I even let him borrow a textbook I used when I was required to take the course earlier, so he could see if it was something he was interested in pursuing. I told him that it wasn’t that I thought he couldn’t do the program, but that even I was struggling to keep up with the workload, and I have experience with staying up all night to finish homework/study.
The summer courses would be required anyway, so if he did pursue the program it wasn’t like he was wasting time/money. It would give him a taste of what university was like, without having to drop thousands of dollars all at once.
He told our friends and families that I thought he was stupid and didn’t think he could do university.
He told them he’s not going to even try now because I’ve discouraged him and made him feel like an idiot. One of our mutual friends told me it was cruel to discourage him from his dreams, and that I’m arrogant to think I can handle the pressures of university but he can’t.
I want to be clear, I never said anything like that, and I don’t think he’s stupid at all, but I know his work ethic. In his admission, in the three months he had my textbook, he didn’t read a single page. Additionally, his HS grades are not adequate to qualify for the program, he would need to upgrade his HS courses to be accepted. I honestly thought I was giving him a reasonable suggestion based on my own experience with academia.
Was I wrong?”
Another User Comments:
“People are harsh here. NTJ. You didn’t tell him college is not for him. You recommended the trial version (summer courses). This would have given him a chance to test the waters before taking huge college loans. And it’s very tough to do college full-time unless it’s very related to your job.
Imagine a scenario where you told him he’s gonna be good. He took 60k loans to join a college and then dropped halfway. Now he might be blaming you for not warning him upfront. You suggested the correct middle ground for someone not very much into studies.
As such it’s not like his life is ruined. He can very well join next year if he’s so determined. The very fact he gave up after your feedback proves he’s not very serious about it. I repeat. NTJ” Plane-Isopod-7361
Another User Comments:
“NTJ His idea is completely unrealistic and would likely result in him failing or getting very bad grades, which could haunt him in the future.
When I was out of HS, I took several semesters and did horribly because I wasn’t at a point where I could succeed (both because of my bad habits and circumstances). I eventually went back and did very well but those first grades are still on my record and appear on my applications for various things.
If I had been realistic about my capabilities, I wouldn’t have to explain away my very strange transcripts. He’s the one being a jerk by mischaracterizing your statements. If he’s like me, he’s probably too arrogant and headstrong at this point in his life to take good advice and might need to learn the hard way.” Lawd_Denning
Another User Comments:
“I did not have time to care about high school, I graduated on time and never failed anything but mostly I would just show up for tests. A lot of my teachers understood because I was homeless for the last two years of HS, and had a job, and just stuff to worry about and not a lot of support.
Never thought about college. When I was 21, I went to school just like Bob wanted to. I graduated last spring, and I’ve never gotten a C in any of my college classes. If he can handle a job and is reasonably smart, school will likely be fine for him.
They have counselors, academic advisors, writing centers to help.” Significant_Ad_8100
18. AITJ For Making Home Improvements Without Consulting My Wife?
“To set some context, I think my wife can be a negative person sometimes, especially when it comes to me doing things around the house.
For example, our bedroom was terrible. Lining paper on the ceiling falling off, rotten windows, damaged floors, etc. I saved for over 6 months and got someone to completely rip it out and refurbish it.
Her first response? “I don’t like the light, should have got something else”.
Our children’s room was in a not-dissimilar situation. The hallway was also a mess and we had a hole in a wall. I ripped everything out myself but we had an issue with the decorators so a 1 week job turned into 6 weeks.
Children had to be in our room and the whole time she was moaning. When it was finished (a million times better and more practical), she would comment about how I should have waited for the kids to get older as they were just going to mess things up.
No positive comments, but when her friends or family came over and praised the work (even a 6-year-old child who commented “This is so cool”, referring to our children’s room) she was quick to give them a tour and show everything off like the standing desk and smart lights.
Recently, I purchased some strip lights to put under the bed in our bedroom. Aesthetic reasons yes, but mainly it was for when one of us got up at night, we didn’t have to turn on the lamps which would disturb the other. I hooked up a sensor so when you get out of bed, lights under the bed will turn on so you can easily see where you are going without lighting up the room.
Turns off automatically after a minute too.
My wife sees me putting this on the bed. First comment? “what have you purchased now? Why is this necessary?” I repeat the previous paragraph. “it’s not that deep, I’m sure we’ll be fine without it”.
There is a WhatsApp group that includes my wife, her sister, and me.
We regularly chat in it, send pictures of kids, etc. I sent a video and picture of the bed. I thought it all looked quite cool and wanted to show it off to others after not getting a great response from my wife, but also wanted to highlight (I didn’t point it out to her or let my intentions known) to my wife the difference in response.
How did the sister respond? “this is so cool and it looks amazing! How do I get his?” Followed up by a couple of other questions.
We didn’t explicitly discuss it, but it was clear my wife wasn’t impressed. After my wife saw me putting it on and made her initial negative comments, I brought up a YouTube video I saw where the wife mentions first things that her husband is a genius and shows the work he’s done in the house.
I mentioned how all the comments were full of people being more impressed by the wife praising her husband than the actual work he did.
Am I a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“So all the things you list sound like genuine improvements, but it also from your post sounds like your wife gets no say in anything.
All the things you list seem to be done the way you want, when you want, without giving her any choice or input. Not even picking a light fixture in the bedroom you share. And maybe that’s because she doesn’t engage, but I have to ask.
Do you include her? Does she get any say in these changes? Or do you just do what you want and expect her to accept it because it’s already underway? Because feeling disregarded and left out could turn into resentment and not being enthusiastic on her part.” Greenbriar
Another User Comments:
“Maybe I’m wrong but it seems like you are doing all of these things without consulting your wife which may be what is bothering her. It doesn’t sound like she was involved in decision-making for the bedroom or the kid’s rooms, or even the lights under the bed. I would be annoyed if my husband did all of those things without consulting me as it is also my house that I have to live in.
Another User Comments:
“It’s fine that you sent a video to the wider family as it seems like you did something nifty. As far as the wider discussion goes this seems like the kind of thing that would be best discussed directly with your wife.
Is she being critical and unsupportive for no reason? Is she angry, frustrated, or hurt about something and taking it out on home furnishing discussions? I would probably say it hurt my feelings a bit and ask her why she acts this way.” Cavolatan
17. AITJ For Removing My Cat Due To My New Flatmate's Mishandling?
“I [32F] got a new flatmate for my 2-bed flat that I also rent. She [34F], has never had a cat before but was keen to live with one.
Within 2 days of moving in, my Flatmate brought in flowers deadly to cats, despite me telling her that my previous flatmate endangered my cat [10F] in a similar way.
Fast forward 2 weeks, and I am woken up abruptly by yowling coming from my Flatmate’s bedroom. She then sends me a video saying “I got my pick-up certificate! :)” In it, Flatmate is holding Cat by the throat to her face, smooching and shoving her face into her fur, while Cat is visibly unhappy and I can see her paws trying to push her away.
I told Flatmate that Cat doesn’t like getting picked up, and only tolerates being handled by me or my partner for a few mins max. I offer to teach her how to handle Cat and read body language. During this conversation, Flatmate says consecutively:
“I’d never pick up someone else’s animal.”
“She jumped into my lap so I picked her up.”
“She let me pick her up and then changed her mind.”
“I never picked her up.”
A few days later, I came home and Cat was missing with Flatmate’s door shut. I text her regarding the cat, as the door is closed over and she has no access to food, water, or litter.
The flatmate was not happy but let the cat out.
The next morning, I am woken sharply by Cat’s repeated yowls coming from the other room, and Flatmate whispering “Shhh, shh, it’s OK, good girl” etc. I say from my bed “What are you doing to her??” loudly enough for Flatmate to hear but she ignores me.
I hear Cat’s paws hit the floor as she jumps down and runs away down the hallway. The flatmate goes about her morning and goes to work without acknowledgment.
I take Cat to my partner’s and confront Flatmate. She starts crying and denies everything and is extremely offended that I “reacted disproportionately”, that she “can’t believe you would think I’d hurt an animal”, and “I’m not an animal wrongdoer, and for you to think that is seriously hurtful.” She denies that Cat was even in her room that morning.
I said that Cat only makes those distress noises under 3 circumstances she hates and only one applies here: she’s being held against her will. Flatmate claims that is untrue.
Flatmate says by removing Cat for the weekend, I’ve made hurtful and offensive accusations that she can’t move forward with and wishes to move out.
At this point, she is less than a month into the lease.
Flatmate says that moving forward, she does not want to be in the same house as Cat without me being present, and that her bedroom is now off-limits to her “to protect myself”.
This is quite impossible as I work long 12h+ shifts at the hospital, and the commute means that I am often not home for 15 hours of the day, multiple times a week. My partner is currently taking care of Cat for the time being.
AITJ for removing my cat for her safety and protection, or was I paranoid and overreacted, which caused extreme offense?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Let’s assume that she’s not deliberately mistreating the cat, but is forcibly trying to “befriend” her, and doesn’t understand how it works with cats. She refused to follow your guidance in the matter. And all those lies would have me figuring out how to get out of this arrangement asap.
If you can’t get that done, put a lock on your room. Probably best for the cat to be housed elsewhere for the time being.” CatteNappe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you have proof she was mishandling cat, even people who never owned them know not to pick them up by their throat, most don’t even tolerate being picked up by their scruff.
She was placing the cat in distress. To also make you feel better (my vet sister) said that high stress can cause pancreatitis in cats which can be deadly. So no you 100% did the right thing!” Serenity
Another User Comments:
“NTJ woman sounds like a ticking time bomb of social issues her parent(s) / guardian(s) have not prepared her for, better to get the cat to safety now before she hurts the cat when it finally gets to the point of going for the deep scratches and biting to escape from her “not picking the cat up” now it will likely refuse to even give her lap an attempted warm rest.” Dromnakk
16. AITJ For Telling My SO His Insecurities Are His Problem After He Criticized Me For Going To The Gym?
‘ My (44f) significant other of 10 years (55) and I had an argument earlier today and it’s not the first time this happens. Yesterday while at work my co-worker, let’s call her Ruby, invited me to join her at the gym before work since she just started working out.
I suffer from Fibromyalgia and Hashimoto’s and lately I have had no energy for absolutely anything. I am in constant pain. When my co-worker asked if I would join her I of course googled if it would help me with my constant aches and pain and it does.
So I agreed.
My significant other’s job is more labor intensive so he goes to work at 5 am and is normally home by 1:30-2:00 pm, he goes to the gym Mon, Wed and Fri and it rotates every week and on those days he gets home about 4 pm.
The issue is when I got home yesterday (I normally don’t get home until 5:45pm) we hung out for less than an hour and he fell asleep. Knowing that I had told my co-worker I would join her for the gym I decided to take a sleep aid about 8:30 and fell asleep about 930ish (as he woke up).
Knowing he was going to be up for a few hours at this point I went to bed in the other bedroom.
This morning I got up and got my bag ready and was looking everywhere for my Air pods or beats so I could listen to music while working out.
I called him to see if he’d seen them and he was surprised I was calling him so early, I explained quickly why and then hung up. Finally found my Air pods so I headed out the door and out of the house. Once in my car I called him again like I normally do on my way to work and it became a thing.
He immediately started questioning why I was going to the gym, I explained that Ruby had invited me and then all broke loose. He was upset that I never join him even though I’m still at work when he goes to the gym. We got into a shouting match over the gym!
After arguing for a few minutes he brings up his insecurities (betrayed by his ex wife and ex partner), and this is where I might be the jerk, I told him that after 10 years his insecurities are his problem and not mine. I have not given him any reason to doubt or not trust me in the whole time we’ve been together.
I told him I’ve been betrayed before and never used that as a crutch in how I behave with him.
It has been 10 years of this, not being able to do what I want, when I get home he wants me in the room with him and wants me to show him affection all the time even if he’s not paying attention to me or else it’s an argument.
I just don’t see how AITJ.
I think I may be the jerk because I said his insecurities are not my problem.”
Another User Comments:
“Y’all are over 40 these insecurities should have been handled, it’s just an excuse at this point. Not trying to be mean about the age but with that much life experience it just sounds like he’s using it to his advantage and he needs to figure himself out.
My wife and I hit the gym at different times with friends or people from work. Sometimes in different states if our jobs require us to be out of state or a week or so at a time.” isiahwatson94
Another User Comments:
“NTJ His insecurities shouldn’t be your problem, buuuut….
You’ve allowed them to be because you cater to them by being available every available spare moment you have. Now he not only expects it (well after 10 years, that’s hardly surprising), he’s demanding it. Maybe not the great fit you thought you had. If you can’t even have a work friend that you see on your own time, you are in a controlling relationship.
Maybe he should have gone to therapy ten years ago. Or maybe you two should explore this now, if you want to actually have a life, AND a relationship. Right now , they seem to be mutually exclusive according to him.” SubjectBuilder3793
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – his insecurities are not your problem.
I had this issue with my man the first 10 years of our relationship as well. I told him after this amount of time this was a his problem, not a me problem. I think it shocked him when I told him how hurtful it was to me that every time I did something out of the routine, he accused me of seeing someone else.
I said that I refuse to be in a relationship where I am considered not trustworthy. About 4 days later he apologized, went to therapy, and we did a few sessions as a couple as well. We have been married for 37 years and all is well!” boxxxermamma
15. AITJ For Denying Charity To My Ex's Friend Who Has Other Resources?
“I am part of a nonprofit charity organization that helps people to fix their homes.
When I was a kid I liked the TV show “Extreme Makeover – Home Edition” and as an adult, when I had enough resources I decided to do something similar myself, but without cameras, rushing, and fake reactions.
As I own a construction company, the main part I provide is leftovers from building sites, but we also have multiple other members who contribute their time, resources, or funds.
Our main focus is people who need better living standards, like hot water, and a bathroom with running water, or just heating as things like that can be too expensive for single parents, disabled people, or seniors.
Often we help families whose home was damaged in an accident (fire, flood, etc) and they lack resources to fix it. (Insurance companies often don’t cover old buildings in bad shape, but people in need often live in buildings like that)
What happened?
One day our organization received an email about a fire in an apartment building and the name of the person in need was familiar, it was the best friend of my ex, let’s call her “Ruby”.
So I wrote to her and found out, that a robot vacuum cleaner exploded in her apartment and started a fire, the whole apartment needs rebuilding, as like many newer apartment buildings, the walls inside the apartment are mostly drywall, and fire and extinguishing after it destroyed pretty much everything inside.
For whatever reason she had no insurance – the neighbor downstairs whose home was flooded had insurance, the neighbor upstairs whose home had smoke damage had insurance, and even the building itself had insurance, so the facade and windows will get replaced, but the building insurance does not cover anything inside the apartment.
At first, it sounded like a great candidate for help, but I know Ruby, I know that she owns another apartment she inherited and rents out! So I asked about that – “Couldn’t you sell it? Move there?” she replied, “I don’t want to lose my passive income!” I replied, “Sorry, but we help people who have nothing, we help people who have no passive income that could be used for resolving the problems.”
All members can call for veto when the reason is good, as people sometimes try to scam us, and even though she is not scamming us, I believe she is not the target group of people who need charity.
Members rarely question the reasons, as the list of people that need help is long.
And this was when the crap storm started, my Ex called me and blamed me that I denied her friend help because of our history, my mailbox is flooded with people who call me a jerk for denying help to people in need, someone even wrote that “You are playing god”.
Is it wrong to deny charity to a person who could just sell her another real estate, move there, or even rent with money she makes from renting out that other place?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She has resources available to replace her things.
She isn’t responsible for repairing the building. She could have used some of her passive income to buy renter’s insurance. As you said, the list of people who genuinely need help is long. My water heater died yesterday. I’ve been trying to get it going myself (with YouTube).
It’s tankless so it’s not cheap to service or replace. I’m pretty strapped for cash right now but the truth is I have options. Family members who could help, etc. I’m not making a GoFundMe and trying to shake people down… ” jillian512
Another User Comments:
“I think you’re NTJ, but I’m curious: had Ruby been a stranger, would you have found out about the other apartment and the passive income? In the application process, was there a place to disclose that, and did she omit it? If it’s not part of the application, she is kind of disadvantaged compared to other applicants who may also have additional resources.
But if she omitted it from the application and there was a spot to disclose it, then you’re just calling her out on a lie. Either way though, you’re right to get the help to the people who need it.” ZoroasterScandinova
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Ignore this nonsense and keep doing the good work. Sucks to have people being so ruthless for doing the right thing. If she would’ve done the same her insurance would have covered this. It’s called allocating resources where they belong so people who need the help get it.
Your ex and her friend are a treat… you dodged a bullet there.” Pretend-Review
14. AITJ For Not Letting My Friend Decorate My Room?
“So long story short, me, my partner, and another friend are all rooming together. We have another friend from college who doesn’t live with us but comes here frequently.
Friend Roommate and College Friend both have to go back to college while me and my partner are done, so our college friend asked if she could stay here during the school year.
She said she would pay some rent, clean, and even cook for us. We don’t mind if she stays at all, so we said yes.
I haven’t been in my room as often since I usually just sleep in my partner’s room, so back when our friends would stay over, they usually just stayed in mine, which was no biggie.
It hadn’t been a problem till lately when she’d started to ask for things. At one point we were all talking and she asked why I just don’t move all my stuff into my partner’s room. I had to reiterate first that it was MY room, my name is on the lease and I pay for it, and secondly, I have way too much stuff.
After that, it’s just been nonstop.
School started today and all week she’s just been asking if she can do this or do that. She asked me if she could put posters up and I said I wasn’t comfortable with that, it’s my space I don’t want any changes not done by me.
She keeps saying she understands but still won’t take no for an answer. I feel like maybe I’m not being clear enough and that’s my problem which is why I’m worried, but I feel like just saying no should be enough and I don’t want to start anything.
Even today we talked and she said she wanted to help me clean but then reverted it to how she wants to find stuff we both like. I told her I don’t mind cleaning up my room since it’s a mess and I do want it to be a coherent aesthetic, but for me to like.
She kept reiterating to me that she likes to live in comfort and an aesthetic and that’s why she wanted to bring some stuff from home. And like I said, I don’t mind if she changes the bed sheets or brings a lamp. That’s fine and doesn’t change too much.
But posters and decorations and anything larger I just don’t feel comfortable with. It doesn’t help that I have a cat and most of his stuff is in there and her stuff is starting to block his.
She also kept telling me that she only keeps doing this because she’s autistic and can’t live in a space that’s not comfortable or familiar to her.
Number one I have autism too and number two this isn’t her space. It’s my room and she’s not on the lease so I feel like she has no reason to try and impede.
I don’t want to upset her but I feel like she keeps brushing over my no’s and it feels like I’m being kicked out of my room.
But I’m not sure if maybe I’m taking it a step too far and getting frustrated for no reason. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like it’s time for her to move out. She can’t take no for an answer and is overstepping her welcome.
However, when she moved in – where was it designated she would be living? Were you renting this girl a couch, or just saying “you can crash in my room”? If she’s paying rent, she needs a space. If you’re not willing to give up your room to someone paying rent (sublease) then she either gets a different designated space to call her own, or she moves out.
From the frustration in your post, I’d say she needs to move out.” Discount_Mithral
Another User Comments:
“Slight YTJ. I understand that it is your space and your name is on the lease, but if you are accepting rent from her, and her cooking/cleaning, asking for a little freedom to decorate is not an unreasonable request from her.
If you want to leave her in “guest status,” be a better host. Otherwise, it’s time to tell her to make different living arrangements.” aj_alva
Another User Comments:
“YTJ–her believing that she would be paying rent means her requests were reasonable. To be blunt, you brought this situation on by being so vague about expectations.
But, it looks as though you’re going to clarify all that, so good on you.” hubertburnette
13. AITJ For Wanting Individual Attention From My Adoptive Parents?
“Five years ago, my (15M) parents adopted two of my siblings. I’ll call them Cassandra (17F) and Layla (15F). Two years ago, Luku (2M) (their biological younger brother, absolute light of my life, and best boy) was born and surrendered, so he was placed with us too.
Since they were adopted as preteens, a major priority for my parents was bonding with them two-on-three. And they go to a lot of bonding things. They’re constantly bouncing between adoption therapy, family therapy (which feels weird because I’m also part of the family?
I’m only included once in a while, usually to be told I need to be less of a show-off), and every single bonding thing they can find. They also take them out after individual therapy, which I 100% support and would never admit to being jealous of in real life but… God, I’m jealous of it.
I know it’s not the same, but I had six bouts over the summer and it was a miracle that they attended two. Which did not include the last fight or the Family Day. At least come for the catharsis of seeing me get whacked with a sword!
Sometimes circumstances demand that I’m there – and I moved my schedule to make this happen more often. At first, they let me hang to the side, but then they asked that I step back so I’m not engaging with whatever it is they’re doing with my sisters because the bonding activities are supposed to be for them.
Last night, I told my parents that I wanted them to do things with me, alone. They were wildly favoring my siblings over me, and I wanted to have dinner on my birthday with only them. They didn’t take it well and threatened to send me to therapy.
We ate in silence for a few minutes.
I tried to tell them I won the season-long bracket, and they emphasized how much it was not a time to be bragging or doing anything except apologize. They said my siblings are traumatized and in need of more support.
They also accused me of believing my siblings weren’t ‘real’ just because I wanted to have some time with my parents when it wasn’t about my siblings.
After dinner, Layla said she thought it was a good idea, and suggested we go out as a family but paying attention to me in particular for the whole week.
That sounds incredibly embarrassing but amazing – I’d adore that, especially since I want to hang out with my sisters more anyway.
Cassandra, though, pulled me aside and said that I had always been a spoiled jerk, but that this was like a healthy man demanding stitches from a poorly stocked first aid kit because everyone else had them and he wanted to “feel special”.
She said I should take a step back and realize that that was an awful thing to ask.
I’m split between wanting to run away so my family doesn’t have to deal with me and sinking into the comfort of self-pity. I just want my parents – or my siblings or somebody – to genuinely care about how I feel or be glad when I do something well.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your parents have a responsibility to care for the emotional needs of all of their children. They are failing at that and in doing so driving a wedge between you and your siblings. It happens in many kinds of families, even with all biological children, and it is a terrible situation to be in.
The best I can say is to assume best intentions, that your parents are doing their best, often that just isn’t enough and causes problems.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I also have adopted siblings and grew up feeling like my parents were harder on me because I was not adopted. You need to have a therapy session with just your parents so you can express your feelings more clearly.
It sounds like your parents refuse to acknowledge that they put your needs on a backburner, and you never have one-on-one time with them with all of their therapy appointments. Your feelings are valid, but I wouldn’t blame the kids. It is all your parents’ fault for allowing the situation to get this bad.
If your parents aren’t receptive, reach out to a counselor or trusted adult. Your emotional needs are not being met. Trying to talk to your parents about what’s going on in your life is not “showing off.” Nyankitty666
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It does sound like your parents are prioritizing your adopted siblings, perhaps believing that, since you are their biological child, you don’t need as much attention.
This is a mistake on their part. Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like they are receptive to criticism. Your best bet is to stick it out for the next few years & hope they realize how their behavior is hurting you. However, if they don’t, you need to be ready to move on & make a life for yourself that isn’t dependent upon them.
Find your happiness.” FyvLeisure
12. AITJ For Throwing Two Separate Birthday Parties To Avoid Damages From My Ex's Nephew?
“I have 2 children with my ex-husband. My kids’ birthdays are one day apart. For birthdays I always have one party, with two cakes/two different themes to make it more individualized for each child.
Rewind to last year, it’s birthday time. I invite friends from school, my family, my ex’s family, work friends of mine, etc. Important context- I invite my Ex SIL Jane (fake name), and her son Parker (also fake name).
I have never met them in person as she lived multiple states away until she recently moved closer.
It was an at-home birthday with rented inflatables. Everyone shows, and it started great. Until it wasn’t. Parker started misbehaving. I’m not talking about misbehaving as a normal 5yo might.
He was screaming, having tantrums, not playing nicely with any of the other kids, not sharing toys/games I had put out, and hitting several other kids in attendance. He even shoved a toddler down because he wanted to go first on the inflatable slide.
It was so bad just about everyone except family started leaving before we could even cut the cake. At this point, I was at my limit and kicked both Jane & Parker out. He had an immense fit, ended up grabbing a knife I had on the table for the cakes, and stabbed one of the inflatables putting a massive gash in it.
Jane did not offer to pay for the damages, nor did she try to apologize. It was just “Oh kids act that way” and “You’re being ridiculous”. My ex nor his family said anything to her and just said they didn’t want to be involved. I ended up paying 3k in damages to the inflatable company.
This year I decided to throw two parties. One as I usually did, and the other for my ex & his family.
The first party was a week before the one we originally had. I did the usual inflatables, games, photo booths, etc. Neither my ex nor any of his family was invited so it was fair and I wasn’t excluding just Jane and Parker.
Everything was great, and everyone had a wonderful time.
Next week we do the second party. My family and my ex’s family are there. I had everything else as the other party at this one, excluding inflatables as I was not risking paying another few thousand if Parker’s behavior had not changed within the last year.
Everything goes okay, we did have some outbursts from Parker, but no one was injured this go around so it went a lot more smooth.
It is now a couple of weeks later, and I started getting blown up with text messages from my ex/his family saying how awful I am for throwing two parties, and acting as if they were “too stupid to find out”.
I ignored it at first, but the messages continued so I eventually started a group chat and just explained to each of them that I did what I did due to everything that happened last year. I’m still getting messages saying I’m being a jerk, so am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“How could you be a jerk here? Most people would have simply told Jane and Parker to kick rocks and never come back. The fact you threw *two separate parties* means you’re a saint. NTJ. I wouldn’t let Jane or Parker step foot in my house until she paid me back for the damages her kid caused. Tell Jane the reason you threw two parties is specifically because of her poorly trained kid and you had to insulate yourself from the potential damages.” salted fish
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Also, my opinion is that you throw a party for your family and your kid’s friends. If your ex and his family want to celebrate your kid’s birthday they can throw and pay for their party. I would MAYBE consider inviting an ex to the party you throw but otherwise, they are capable of arranging their celebration.” johnlocklives
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- the other mother needs to take responsibility for her son. If she had shown some remorse or offered to pay for the damage he had caused and tried to deal with his behavior the situation would have been different. Point out to your family that in the future if they want to be included they need to pay a damage fee (which will be refundable if there is no damage) in advance as you are not prepared to cover the cost and you are owed an apology.
I think you are amazing for having a second party and still considering them” curious-691980
11. AITJ For Changing The Pronunciation Of My Last Name And Insisting My Mom Use It?
“I (35F) have a non-standard last name for my country (think lots of consonants in repetition).
People around me almost always have a hard time pronouncing it, and I work in a field where last names are the norm (Mrs., Dr., Captain, etc). So when I started in this field in my late teens/early 20s, I changed the pronunciation from the way my dad and mom pronounced it, to closer to the original pronunciation in the original language.
I like how it sounds, and at work, it’s easier to explain the pronunciation in a way that people remember it (and I’ve also gotten some cute nicknames from it).
The issue is: that my mom (late 50s) refuses to use the “new” pronunciation, which I’ve been using for 16 years.
It ticks me off because my mom and biological father were only married a couple of years in the early 90s; I don’t have a relationship with my biological father or his side of the family (a whole other set of issues). I kept my biological last name and my mom changed her last name when she remarried in the late 90s.
So it’s not her last name anymore and hasn’t been for 25+ years.
My thought process is: this is MY name. It’s not common and I’ve never met anyone else with my name who I wasn’t already related to. I was told the correct linguistic pronunciation by someone from the name’s origin country, and I liked it so I changed it.
My mom, however, refuses to use the new pronunciation because it “used to be” her name, too. And because of that, no one in my family will use it either. It’s honestly not a huge deal that my broader family doesn’t use it because I don’t see them often, but my mom and stepdad run in the same professional circles I do and STILL refuse to use my preferred pronunciation, even though it’s not their name.
It came to a head recently when my mom was introducing me to someone and used my title, first name, and incorrect last name pronunciation. I very quickly used the pronunciation I use (with the little verbal device I always follow up with to help with pronunciation) and shook their hand.
My mom pulled me aside afterward and said I’d embarrassed her by insinuating that she doesn’t know how to pronounce her own kid’s name, and I reiterated that I changed the pronunciation years ago and this is how I’m now known professionally.
She got offended and reminded me that it had been her name once, too. I just sort of shrugged my shoulders and moved on, but it bothered me.
My husband (whose last name I didn’t take) said I have a right to pronounce my name however I want, and that I have a right to insist on the correct pronunciation.
My stepdad says it’s not fair to ask my mom to change “after all these years” (even though I’ve now used my preferred pronunciation longer than my mother ever shared the name). So what do you think? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“My maiden name is of French origin.
But my father’s family use the English pronunciation. When my family moved out of town for my dad’s work, we started using the French pronunciation. My cousins still use the English version, whereas my brothers and I and our offspring use the French version. However, I did hear a rumor that my cousin’s son is using the French version.” johnnymadridlover
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your mom changed her last name… why can’t you? Or should you just keep calling her by the last name she so clearly prefers? Or is respect not a two-way street in her world? Your name, your pronunciation, and she can get over it.
“It used to be my last name” Key word there is USED. It USED to be her last name. That or insist on calling her by her maiden name from now on. I mean if you’re not allowed to change why is she?” Demented-Alpaca
Another User Comments:
“I grew up and knew several folks with the last name Cote. EVERY Single one pronounced their name differently. There’s also the cute story about Norman Maclean (author of A River Runs Through It), his brother became a journalist, and his byline was published MacLean by the newspaper that didn’t ask.
His father made some funny comments, but at the end of the day, his whining wasn’t going to change the byline, so he let it go. It’s Your Name. I think you are allowed to pronounce it any way you wish, regardless of your mother’s input.
NTJ” 2dogslife
10. AITJ For Informing My Sister's Adoptive Grandparents About Her Potentially Dangerous Trip?
“A little refresher, Myself and my four biological sisters were abandoned due to the one-child policy and found each other later in life as well as our biological parents and a younger brother.
Due to the way I was abandoned, I had no interest in getting to know them but I agreed to a single Zoom call to get some answers.
It has come to my attention that my youngest bio-sister who is 22 and lives in Germany has been in regular contact with our bio-parents after the initial meeting and they offered her quite a bit of comfort after her long-term partner was unfaithful to her and that relationship fell apart.
She has now revealed to us that she plans to go to Guangzhou shortly to meet a man who our bio-parents wish her to meet as he is supposedly the son of their friend and our bio-parents are paying for this entire trip for her.
Our sisters are a bit hesitant about this but no one wants to tell her it’s a stupid idea as they feel she’s a grown woman and it’s up to her. I tried to express concern but she would not hear it, sold on the dreamy idea of meeting a handsome man from the Country of our birth.
I am worried about her and how badly this can go wrong, I also have my doubts about the validity of this situation as something seems incredibly off about it. So I reached out to her Adoptive Grandparents to let them know her plans and my concerns about this whole situation.
They were horrified by this as they had no idea and their immediate concerns were that this was a potentially dangerous situation, and they assured me they would handle this.
She has since reached out demanding to know why I got in contact with her grandparents as it was not my place and she can make these decisions for herself.
I told her that she may want to wear rose-tinted glasses when it comes to our biological parents but I’m not going to let her fly across the world to a likely dangerous situation to meet a man she’s never even spoken to before which she told me if he was a creep she’d at least get a free Holiday out of it.
We ended up arguing quite a bit over this with some heated words being exchanged. Our bio-sisters have told me I shouldn’t have gone behind her back like that and if it was a mistake she needed to learn from it herself but I worry she may not have had the chance to learn from it if it was a mistake.
Meanwhile, my Adoptive brothers have expressed relief I’m not that much of an idiot or else they’d have locked me in my room until that idea left my head.
I do think they needed her plans for her safety if nothing else but maybe I’m a jerk and could have handled it better?
was I wrong to go behind her back like this?”
Another User Comments:
“Wouldn’t be surprised if the bios have or intend to collect a bride price for youngest sister. Nowadays the expectations for a girl’s parents are a matrimonial home, a car, and a bride price to the girl’s parents in return for raising her.
22 is the prime marriageable age. Said bride price will then be used to fund the youngest brother’s matrimonial home, car, and bride price to his in-laws. If the match succeeds, the man can travel back to Germany with his youngest sister and get a job.
The Chinese economy is in the doldrums right now.” residentcaprice
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, It’s clear you’re deeply concerned for your sister’s safety, and you intended to protect her. Understandably, contacting her adoptive grandparents might have seemed like the right move given the situation.
However, it might be helpful to have another direct and calm conversation with your sister to express your worries and listen to her side. Maybe having a direct chat with her about your concerns could help clear things up. It’s tough balancing your protective instincts with respecting her choices, but showing you care while listening to her side might make a difference.
If possible, finding common ground with your family could also help address the situation more effectively. Your concern comes from a good place, and balancing that with understanding her decisions will be pivotal.” Gr8_J0K3R20
Another User Comments:
“NTJ your other sisters’ approach is probably different because they have been raised in different families, but even they recognize it is dangerous for her to go to the other side of the world to a (most likely) arranged marriage.
She’s delusional if she thinks your bio parents will take her best interest at heart instead of theirs. This is a possible human trafficking situation and I hope you manage to find resources (not comments on AITJ) to help her see that” Justmonika96.
9. AITJ For Wanting To Confront My Roommate About His Lack Of Support After A Family Loss?
“A few months ago I lost an immediate family member very suddenly and unexpectedly. The day I got the call I went to my roommate “R” and told him what happened. I was of course very upset and while he said “I’m sorry,” I could feel how uncomfortable he was with my emotions, so I quickly excused myself to my room to be alone.
He continued to watch TV and never came to check on me, which at the time I brushed off as him wanting to give me space, but that “I’m sorry” turned out to be the first and only time he acknowledged he knows/cares about what I’m going through.
It was clear to me after two weeks of barely seeing him when he usually camped out in the shared spaces that he was intentionally avoiding being in the same room with me. The longer it went on the more I started to feel hurt and resentful.
It would be one thing if he were only a roommate, but here’s a guy I’ve known since high school ignoring me and not even asking me the bare minimum “How are you doing?” It’s been almost 3 months now and he’s yet to even ONCE ask me that.
I’ve followed his cues and have just completely avoided the subject, going so far as to not tell him that I wasn’t going to be home for a week to attend the funeral. A part of me did it to be petty/as a kind of experiment to see if he would ever ask me where I was.
It took him 4 DAYS to shoot a text asking if I was gonna be home that night and when I said no there were no follow-up questions. When I came home 3 days later he barely acknowledged me and I took it as the final sign our friendship was over.
I started looking for other places to live but with housing the way it is I’ve yet to be successful. During this time, though, my dynamic with R has slowly been improving, at least on the surface. I’ve always been someone who defaults to being polite/civil even with someone I can’t stand, so when he slowly started to acknowledge my presence again I was willing to be conversational/even joke around a bit when he initiated it.
I still don’t think our friendship can go back to how it was, but at least we’re speaking.
I’m also at a place where I don’t feel the need to confront him about his behavior anymore. It feels like the time for acknowledging/discussing all that has passed. The only thing I’m debating on now is how honest I’m going to be about my reasons for moving out.
I’ve finally heard back from a couple of places so this is probably my last few weeks on the lease (we’re month to month). I’m not sure how much of a surprise it’s going to come to him and I’m not sure what to say if he asks me why I’m leaving.
A small part of me still wants to tell him how messed up his behavior was, but the less jerk-ish part of me wants to give him another excuse and just leave it at that. I’ve had enough negativity in my life recently and while it might be cathartic to speak my mind, it might not be worth it to dig all that up again.
So I guess my question is less WIBTJ and more would it be WORTH IT to be the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Kindly, YTJ. I get it, you are grieving and your emotions are all over the place. But this person is not your therapist, and he is not a mind reader either.
Some people just don’t know how to handle those kind of situations, so he decided to be silent so he doesn’t trigger you. If you want help and support… just ask for it. People can’t guess what you need.” IrrelevantManatee
Another User Comments:
“YTJ All through your post, I was looking for info if your roommate treated you badly during the time you were grieving or otherwise.
But no, he simply left you alone. You hear about roommates who don’t clean up behind them, who share your groceries and food but don’t pay, etc. This guy seems to have done nothing of the sort. Yes, maybe he wasn’t supportive enough for you but there’s no guarantee you are going to get wonderful roommates elsewhere” Spiritual-Bridge3027.
Another User Comments:
“I was very hurt years ago when a good friend of mine didn’t check on me or express any support after my father died. I remember my mother telling me to let it go – that it wasn’t worth losing a friend over.
A couple of years ago we were talking about stuff. During the conversation, she suddenly realized that she had brushed off my father’s death, and she was mortified and apologetic. I was very glad that I had taken my mother’s advice. Your friend doesn’t know what to do or what to say.
He will, one day, and if you hold onto the friendship he will tell you what he should have told you now. No jerks here” Quick-Possession-245
8. AITJ For Refusing To Co-Parent My Ex's Other Children?
“My ex-husband (40M) and I (35F) have two children together (12,11M). We divorced about 10 years ago now because I feel like he regressed as a husband and a father during my second pregnancy and he was even worse when our younger son was born.
He was acting like a high school or college kid or a single 20-something with no kids. He spent more time with friends than with us. His friends were also treating me more like his mom and expecting me to pick him up from their houses when they needed to get on with stuff.
He fought for 50% custody of our kids which he wasn’t given and for the first two or three years he had every other weekend and two weeks during the summer with them as well as alternating holidays. He started being more involved and eventually, he did get 50% custody.
It was at that time I found out he got some woman pregnant and he realized with three kids he needed to get his act together. He ended up with full custody of his third child. Then he met his wife. They have two more children together now.
There are two kids in her life, but I don’t believe they’re her biological children anyway, who she is also partially supporting. Those two kids don’t live with them but she/they pay for stuff for this child.
Ex and I started getting along better but then his marriage was rocky.
As his marriage worsened he started treating me like a co-parent to all his kids. He’d bring his other children to custody exchanges and expect interactions between me and his other children. Then I was requested to babysit for him and his wife, which I never did.
Then it was commented about our boy’s old clothes at my house being sent to his house for his other kids and how *we* needed to make sure they had adequate clothing. I told him there was no we in that and he said of course there is, we’re co-parents.
I said of our two sure, but not his other kids. It was a request for me to have his children in my home or to take them out to eat with me and our kids.
And finally, it has turned into back-to-school craziness. I bought supplies for the boys and he told me I hadn’t bought nearly enough *for everyone*.
I was like hold up, what’s that supposed to mean and he pointed out that what I bought wouldn’t be possible to share evenly between all five children. I told him we don’t have five children, we have two, the two I bought those for.
I told him I was responsible for our children, not his three others. I told him he has a wife, they share two of those children, the other is in their home, so it’s up to them. He told me that I know they don’t have a lot of money and I cut him off and told him that still didn’t make his children my problem.
He said I can’t possibly take care of just two of them, not when we’re co-parenting and all five kids live together 50% of the time. He said I should be a part of the community to help raise these kids and keeping my distance like I do is *so dang cold.*
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Curious to how your boys find it at his house. With his entitled attitude, he is a lousy role model. I’m sure it won’t be long until the kids wake up and want to stay with you full-time.
They’re nearly at the age where most places will take their choice as a major deciding factor.” AJSCRPT
Another User Comments:
“NTJ How could you ever think you might be…?? Good thing you dumped that freeloader a long time ago – I’m sorry you still have to deal with him!
Maybe you can try and revert the decision about the 50% custody if he admits he doesn’t have the finances to take care of all 5 of his kids?” Adventurous_Byte
Another User Comments:
“Watch out. This happened to my cousin and his ex-wife. She told a judge that she needed more child support because she had other children.
You need to know what is going on in his house when it comes to your boys. Therapy for your boys might be necessary for to them be honest with you. I strongly suggest that you don’t have them bring anything that you bought them to go to their father’s house.
Chances are your ex will make them share it. Especially expensive electronics. Possibly clothing. My poor godson is still dealing with this as an adult. He knew that his mother was using him to get more money. Your boys will see their father doing the same differently.” Bfan72
7. AITJ For Refusing To Help My Late Boss's Widow Without Being Paid?
“I was working in a small business. I liked my boss.
However, I detested his wife. At lunch, we were expected to sit with her and she would “hold court.” She insulted my husband, my family, my town, and my friends many times. She also frequently demanded we employees do things for her like arrange a return to Amazon.
After these verbal assaults, she would apologize and sometimes give me stupid little gifts and praise me extravagantly.
My wonderful boss died suddenly of a heart attack. The widow is claiming to be so overwhelmed with grief that she can’t manage to do even the simplest tasks.
I have been called at all hours, weekends, and evenings, with demands I drop everything and rush over to do something for her. I continued working for six weeks past the death of my boss to liquidate the business and ended up being her servant.
One time a relative came in needing some information and she dissolved into tears wailing about how she couldn’t do this stuff in her time of grief, could I please do it? I started to leave and realized I had forgotten something and went back in to find her sitting calmly watching a detective drama.
I felt like she faked the display.
I have not been paid since my boss’ death. She says the accountant and lawyers handling the estate should handle it. The lawyer and accountant say she is the executor and she has to do it. She has also been selling off all the stuff in the business and all his stuff for cash which she is putting in her separate bank account.
After yet another series of calls to come right over NOW and help her with something trivial, I refused as I had a prior family commitment. She replied by text saying she was very very disappointed in me. She had been counting on me as her friend to help her.
She needed my help. I let her down. She said she would pray to Jesus to send her someone else since I am refusing to help her. (Yes, she’s very religious.)
I wrote back saying she needs to pray about Timothy 5:18 about how a worker should be paid their wages.
I had a family event. I had given her instructions on how to fix her problem herself. She replied with yet another long driving letter about how her anxiety is such that she can’t even try. She is so sorry I am upset. She is just as much a victim of this situation as I am.
If I want to be paid send them a demand letter. I can just tell her to stop asking for the help she needs from me so much.
I replied I did not want her contacting me again for anything to do with her personal affairs.
I have heard nothing since. The other employees and some of the people we know are upset with me for setting a limit on this woman amid her terrible loss. I should just stop being petty and forget the money. I should be more understanding.
I should help her. They make me feel guilty for being happy to be rid of her. Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“I am a retired labor lawyer. Do not work anymore. Keep up with your hours and make a claim against the estate for your wages as a creditor against the estate.
If she is not properly reporting the liquidation of company resources, you may never get paid. Do not feel guilty. You were not a volunteer at a nonprofit.” RosesareRed45
Another User Comments:
“NTJ And press her to pay you asap. No idea if you’re a salaried employee or not, but call the Labor Dept.
in your state and if they can’t take your case, they can guide you to the right agency to report them and get your money. Don’t forget about your money, get it and forget about her. Do it now, because once she closes the business, the harder it’ll be to get your money ” dystopian pirate
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you haven’t been paid since your boss died – 6 weeks ago? Then I think you should talk to your attorney and file a claim against the estate in probate for unpaid wages. I’m assuming this small business was a Sole Proprietorship; otherwise, she can’t just sell off company assets and pocket the money.
You *can* force a person to go through probate by filing a claim. You may need a summary judgment or something first. TALK TO AN ATTORNEY before this witch screws you out of your wages. Protect yourself. Also, tell the guilty-tripping co-workers to kick rocks.
Sorry, your GOOD boss died. Find another job QUICK.” Babziellia
6. AITJ For Confronting My Husband And Mother-In-Law About Their Overbearing Control Over Our Kids?
“My husband (34m) and I (32f) have been together for 5 years, married for one. He adopted my daughter from a previous relationship (7f), and we have a son together (3m).
We live directly next door to his mother (52f) and stepfather (49m). My husband and I both work very demanding jobs, but because I have more normal hours, I am responsible for picking up the kids at the end of the day.
At the beginning of the year, my husband and his mother unilaterally decided to pull my kids out of the daycare they going to because “they didn’t think it was safe. “. I still have yet to see any evidence that the daycare was unsafe, but they gave me the flexibility I needed to pick up my kids around 6 PM every night.
So my mother-in-law found a daycare, and because she’s a real estate agent who owns her brokerage, she took it upon herself to pick up my kids when the daycare closed at 4 PM.
She often asked to keep the kids overnight as well, which I’m happy to oblige because they also have a waterfront property and bring my kids there to go swimming and kayaking often.
This past Tuesday, I was struggling to leave work on time and let my mother-in-law know that I was going to be late. Her response was “I’m just going to keep them overnight. If you pick them up this late, it is going to disturb their bedtime routine”
I proceeded to call my husband and tell him how upset I was that my mother-in-law was keeping the kids without even asking me. I used the term hostage because she’s extremely overbearing and controlling at times.
My husband asked me what my alternative was to the current arrangement, and I suggested that the kids switch to a different daycare and school that’s closer to my work so that I could pick them up at the end of the day.
My husband, then insinuated that I was doing this just to spite his mother and that I needed to go see a doctor and get medicated.
Then proceeded to conference call his mother without telling me he was going to do that so that I could tell her exactly how I felt.
His mother was sobbing to me on the phone that she didn’t mean to upset me or hurt my feelings and she is easy-going and if I have a problem with something, I should just tell her directly.
By this point, it felt like I was getting ganged up on, so I let them both have it.
I told them they were making all the parenting decisions without really involving me, that these were my kids, not her kids, and my husband was a piece of junk for not supporting me, and backing me up.
My mother-in-law and I have not spoken since that interaction, and my husband and I are on very thin ice.
I’m not going to insinuate that I didn’t do anything wrong, because I know there are things that I could’ve done better and handled differently in the situation, but, am I the jerk for handling this the way I did?”
Another User Comments:
“Start recording all conversations. Keep all messages. All decisions about care for your children should be between you and your husband…. Only. Put them back in the daycare you feel comfortable with. It sounds like your MIL is trying to raise your children. The fact that your husband insinuated you needed help is a big red flag in your relationship.
If you plan to stay with him, I would seek couples counseling.” Really-ChillDude
Another User Comments:
“The part that stuck in my mind was your husband immediately jumping to the fact that you need to be medicated. That is an extreme reaction to your concern.
Then to immediately conference with his mother. You are allowed to have a conversation with your husband without immediately involving his mother. I will give you an NTJ but cannot say the same about your husband.” hikergirl26
Another User Comments:
“The moment your husband said you needed to be medicated would be for me the end of the marriage.
That is some very controlling excrement and at one time in this country was done to keep wives in line. NTJ OP.It sounds like your MIL has been stepping on your toes for a while now. I do not know if you have confronted her before —which would make her T A this time.
Or if this was the first she knew of your unhappiness. Which would make you T A. But your husband is a TA. This is going to be tricky since he adopted your child. But I do not see any going back after that threat he made.
(Yes know he did not say he would make her get medicated. But saying she needed it -so that he could achieve what he wanted -is to me a threatening position to take ).” FireBallXLV
5. AITJ For Being Upset That My Husband Insists I Pay Back An ATM Fee?
“Me (36f) and my husband (37m) went to the beach last weekend and my wallet disappeared. I don’t know if it was stolen or if I dropped it, but either way, it disappeared with all of my credit cards, ID, etc. We live in Japan, so I still had some money charged to my phone which I used throughout the week to go get my residency card replaced (I have to take a train and bus, which costs money) and I have been living on 100¥ cup noodles.
When I went to get my My Number card replaced (a type of social security card here in Japan), I was told it costs money so I wanted to go later when I got my cash card or a credit card back and I could do so on my own money, but when I told my husband this, he insisted I do it immediately and said he would lend me the money to do so.
I told him I could just wait and do it later when I had access to my money again, but he came to meet me and lent me 10,000¥ that he withdrew from a nearby ATM. I took the money, thanked him, and assured him I would return it as soon as possible
Fast forward and my cash card arrived and two of my credit cards. We went out for lunch today and he went to pay, so I asked him how much I owed him for my half. He tells me not to worry because he is tallying it up in the entry space on our line chat (he puts the money there like (10000+600+250+1500) without sending it to keep a tally.
I don’t mind that he is keeping the tally but when I asked about the 250, he said it’s for the ATM charge for the 10000¥ he lent me.
I don’t mind paying that and I understand that it is expensive, but I was very surprised he was counting that closely and told him, I would never think of charging someone for the ATM fee to lend money I insisted they borrow.
By the way, I have never borrowed money from him before, and this is after years of me paying for things for the both of us and his half of meals and him saying he will pay me back later, and ultimately buying me a beer or something here and there and saying, “Just take 300¥ off of what I owe you.” He does acknowledge this debt and he pays it back in this way, though.
I have never considered factoring tax into the things I pay for him or anything, and I cannot imagine a relationship where I would do something like that.
Anyway, when I was surprised, I asked like, “You’re charging me that?” And he got upset, “Because ATMs are expensive.
It’s not about you, it’s about them!” So I said that of course I would pay him, but I think if I ever needed to borrow money again I wouldn’t ask him. He got angry at me and stormed off, leaving me in the street by myself.
Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ in this situation, but YTJ to yourself for marrying someone who treats you this way. I have a Japanese husband and lots of friends with Japanese husbands. I have lived in Japan for over a decade and can assure you that this is not a “Japanese thing.” When you’re seeing someone, it’s common to split things.
When you get married, it’s common to merge finances, with the wife usually in control of the household budget. You’re married and he’s still this stingy?! What was he eating while you were surviving off-cup noodles? Do you not share groceries and meals? Are you two not a team?
Child-free or not, he’s supposed to be your life partner!!” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ are you sure your wallet disappeared and your husband didn’t take it to start you down this road of not having money as a way to control you? Marriage should not be transactional. If you have an idea of how much he owes you or if you can come up with a list of your own, then go to him and say I have loaned you this much for these things and I know you have been paying me back a little at a time but now we can just offset what you owe me to what I owe you and by the way, my debt is clear and you still owe me 500” Free_Science_1091.
Another User Comments:
“Why not just take the money off the total he owes you if you are in such a transactional relationship? Years of paying for him must total more than you borrowed. I can’t imagine living that way, but I guess it is a new way of doing things.
My husband and I pooled our resources and considered everything as “ours”, not yours and mine. It kind of balances out over time, and if not, it doesn’t matter because you are sharing a life. If one pays all the utilities one month, so what, you are both benefiting by not having to pay for everything on your own.” Catkin11
4. AITJ For Refusing To Switch Treadmills During My Interval Training?
“I’m training for a marathon, and I was doing intervals on a treadmill at the gym in my apartment the other day. My apartment gym is small–there are only 3 treadmills–but it works for what I need since I only use it if the weather prohibits me from running outside.
Of the three treadmills, the middle one is my favorite. It is newer and smoother, and the console is higher.
So on that day, I was doing my 5’ on/1’ off intervals on the middle treadmill when these two people got in front of the treadmill to get my attention.
I thought it was an urgent matter, so I took one pair of headphones out, but they just asked if I could move to one of the side treadmills. They said they wanted to run next to each other and asked if I could move to one of the treadmills on the side.
I said no and put my headphones back in. I thought that would be the end, but they stayed in front of me, waving in front of me and nagging (I couldn’t hear their exact words through my headphones). When I got to my rest period, I asked what was up.
They asked why I wouldn’t move and I said “I’m doing intervals.” They looked at me confused and said I could just move and it would take like five seconds. I told them if they wanted this treadmill they should have gotten here before I did, and to stop bothering me.
I didn’t have the necessary breath to explain this, but since I was doing very strict interval training that was programmed, I couldn’t interrupt it. Also, it would just throw off my vibe. Also, the middle treadmill is my favorite, and I was there first. When I got to the lobby, one of the girls was waiting for me.
She told me I was very rude and that I should be banned from the gym for my conduct. I was like, “Girl, it’s a treadmill. It’s not that deep.” She said I was lucky she didn’t film me and get me in a Joey Swoll video (mind you, I’m a girl, too).
At this point, one of the guys working the front desk came up and asked if she was bothering me (she was getting very heated and I was staying calm). I said yes. He told her to leave me alone or he would call security.
The girl begrudgingly left.
When I retold this story to my friends, all my running friends were fully with me. One of them was like, “Interrupting someone’s workout should be a felony.” Some of my non-running friends, however, were a bit on the fence.
Some of them thought it was rude that I didn’t explain (I was out of breath because I was doing intervals). One of my friends also brought up a point that while I’m a runner and I use the gym for sport-specific training, most other residents probably use that gym more casually, and it’s not fair for me to expect them to meet the same gym standards and I should have just moved, or at least explained. Was I a jerk for not moving?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ it doesn’t matter if it is a gym or coffee shop table or airplane seats, if two people want to be side by side they need to plan for it, that may mean arriving early or going at an off-peak time or purchasing two seats together.
“No” or perhaps “Sorry no” used to be acceptable answers but many people have found that if they bug you enough, you give in just to avoid the hassle. If the middle treadmill is the better one, perhaps suggest to management that they move it to one side because I am sure you are not the only one who prefers it and your situation probably happens other times too.” Free_Science_1091
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your friend who says that most residents probably use that gym more casually than you do is missing the point that the majority doesn’t rule here. It IS fair for you to expect to be able to use the gym that you pay for in the way that works for you.
There is a difference in the machines and you were in your zone. Also, the fact that the guy from the front desk asked you if this girl was bothering you tells you how someone who knows that gym saw all this.” Auntie-Mam69
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – the gym is open to anyone who lives in the building, you were in the middle of your workout and they interrupted you. You owed them no explanation as to why you needed that treadmill, because as far as I know gym etiquette – it’s on a first-come, first-serve basis.
I love her threat of a Joey Swoll video because I’m pretty sure that Joey would have told her to “mind your own business. Do better.” toosheeptheorist
3. AITJ For Calling Out My Husband's Exaggerations About His Daughter's Intelligence?
“I (27F) got married to my husband (32M) three years ago. He has a daughter with his ex-wife, Anna (9F). They have a troubled relationship, they go back and forth, blaming and belittling each other. In her defense, the ex-wife does care deeply for Anna, is very kind to me, and both of them make sure Anna never sees or hears them fight.
I’m working hard on building a relationship with Anna – I don’t pretend to be mother status yet by any means, but we are comfortable with each other, and I do my best to spend quality time with her. We have plenty of family time.
My husband and I both work full-time, but we get her ready for school together and take turns picking her up from school. All this to say I spend time with her and have a strong idea of her personality.
Something that has always bothered me about my husband’s relationship with Anna is he exaggerates her intelligence in anecdotes – Anna saying something funny, interesting, or precocious – the issue is that these are not things she has said, just things my husband thinks would be impressive if she said.
She is a smart, kind child, and I do not think we need to be lying about her capabilities. I could tell plenty of true anecdotes of her intelligence that would be true. Recently, I’ve noticed that when Anna overhears these stories, she begins to look confused. She has protested that she didn’t say that, but everyone laughs it off.
I’ve privately expressed to my husband that I don’t think he should be making up stories about her, but he always acts confused or insists that she did say or do something that just isn’t in keeping with her development.
The ex-wife still attends my husband’s family get-togethers (again, I have no issues with her, she is quite nice to me, but she and my husband just get on each other’s nerves often).
During this barbecue, my husband began to tell a story about Anna making a funny comment in the Wendy’s drive-through the day before. Even setting aside that Anna would not know most of the words that he claims she did, they weren’t at Wendy’s yesterday!
I dropped her off, picked her up from school, and cooked and served her dinner before we both put her to bed. I said to my husband that it didn’t happen – in a normal speaking tone, in a group where all the people who heard the anecdote.
The ex-wife accused me of suggesting that Anna was stupid, my husband backed her up, and everyone seemed quite miffed at me. I didn’t say anything more, but my husband brought it up once more when we were home. He said I needed to stop calling him a liar, and especially stop giving his ex-wife ammunition to mock him.
Which doesn’t even make sense? She was on his side!! I said, you didn’t go to Wendy’s yesterday and he said, yeah, but she could’ve said that!
I think he just wants to present the best version of his daughter to the world, even if it is a false version of who she is.
Am I the jerk for calling him a liar, and, I guess, “giving his ex-wife ammunition”?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, his behavior is weird and he might not realize it but could cause damage to his daughter in the long run. You mention she looks confused and insists she never said the things that your husband says she said so that tells me she’s already picking up on the fact that her dad lies.
She might wonder why her dad lies like that, does he wish she were different? Smarter? Funnier? Personally I wouldn’t let this go. Small white lies are still lies and they can lead to bigger problems. He’s creating fabricated stories of his daughter, it’s just going to get more confusing as time goes on.
Don’t drop this, make sure you talk to him and Anna’s mom!” rhinoregrets
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It looks like your husband is using his daughter to look good in front of people, and that can mess up a child if he doesn’t put a lid on it.
Let your husband understand why it’s wrong to do what he’s doing, and make him tell you the reason behind this behavior. If he doesn’t stop, tell him you’d go to his ex-wife since it’s something that concerns their kid. They should focus on what’s best for Anna, and you should get to the bottom of this part of your husband’s personality.
It may not be as simple or harmless as it seems.” charmer143
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He isn’t presenting ‘the best version’ of his daughter to the world. He’s presenting a pretend version. And from Anna’s perspective, it’s because the real version isn’t good enough for him, so he has to make her ‘better.’ Instead of calling him out as a liar (which he is), ask him why the real Anna as she is, isn’t quite good enough for his liking.
Because that’s the message he’s putting in the world. What she ‘could be’ if only…” FilthyDaemon
2. AITJ For Letting My Sister Borrow My Car Without Consulting My Wife?
“I (32M) recently allowed my younger sister (30F) to borrow my car without consulting my wife (32F), and it’s caused a significant issue.
My sister and her 2-year-old daughter came to visit us and our parents for a few days before she started a new job. She drove from Phoenix to Albuquerque, about a 6-hour drive, but as she arrived, her car started making a grinding noise, and her AC compressor went out.
Her car, a 2012 Jetta with 150k miles, is otherwise in good condition, and she’s always taken great care of it.
My sister asked if she could borrow my car for a few weeks until she got established at her new job. I drive a 2023 Kia Forte with only 3k miles.
Since I work from home and only use the car to drop off and pick up my son from daycare—a total of about 10 miles a day—I didn’t see an issue. I make the payments, and I’m the only one who drives it, so I figured I decided to make it.
My sister even joked about taking over the payments if she liked it, and I didn’t mind.
However, I didn’t discuss this with my wife before agreeing, and she was furious. She just got a brand-new EV a few days ago, which she makes the payments on.
Here are her concerns:
1. **What if her car runs out of charge and she needs to go somewhere?** My response was that she should keep it charged, just as I would keep my car fueled.
2. **She thinks I’m giving away something I worked hard for.** I pointed out that it’s my car, and I have the right to decide what to do with it.
I didn’t question her choice to upgrade her car, even though it increased her payments.
3. **She worries about our son needing air conditioning.** I countered that we only drive short distances, and I can roll the windows down.
4. **She believes my sister should get a new car instead of borrowing mine.** My sister recently survived brain cancer, which destroyed her credit due to medical bills.
I even had to cosign her apartment lease two years ago, but she’s always paid her bills on time, so I trust she would handle car payments responsibly.
Two years ago, I lent my old car to my wife’s brother when he was in the shop, and she didn’t complain.
But now, when my family needs help, it’s a problem. My siblings and I had a rough childhood, and we’ve always looked out for each other. I’ve always helped my in-laws without hesitation, but when my family needs something, it’s a different story.
After a few hours of arguing, my wife tried to get me to change my mind, saying, “we” need a nice car, and that my sister isn’t insured to drive it. I told her to get insurance before she left, which wasn’t the answer my wife wanted to hear.
The argument escalated, and my wife eventually packed some bags and took our son to her mom’s place, saying she’d return the next day for the rest of her things.
So, AITJ for deciding to let my sister borrow my car without consulting my wife?”
Another User Comments:
“If it is so safe that the baby can ride around in it and it’s a cheap and easy fix, then why isn’t his sister driving her car?!? If it’s good enough for the toddler, then it’s good enough for the grown adult women!
Fix the 2 dollar fan belt that someone on here keeps spouting about fixing her car in one day. The problem is solved she has her car back in 1 day. Otherwise, YTJ because anything like that should be discussed. You lent her brother your old car, so I assume she asked you, and you discussed it, right?!
Like adult married people do. Did you have a toddler back then? Things change when you have kids. Priorities change.” ugotthewronggoddess
Another User Comments:
“YTJ: If you can use her car to drive your child to daycare every day, surely she can drive her car to her work.
Depending on where you live 10 miles could be a one-hour commute. By the end of the day, your child could be sitting in a very hot car for 20 minutes to a half hour. Why would you put your sister above your toddler? Your child is also your wife’s child so your decision has a huge impact on her.
You say you lent your old car to your BIL. Did you and your wife discuss that first? It’s also bizarre that you are on the first steps towards a divorce and you are talking about a car.” housepost
1. AITJ For Telling My Best Friend To Tell Her Fiancé About Her Pregnancy Before Their Wedding?
“I (27F) have a best friend, Daisy (27F), who is getting married in about a month and a half to Max (29M). They’ve been together for 3 years and are perfect together.
I was super supportive of their wedding until recently.
About a week ago, Daisy had her bachelorette party. She didn’t want to do anything crazy, so just the closest friends went to a small vineyard for a nice dinner, and it was during this dinner that she dropped the bomb.
She made a big show of pouring everyone a glass of the house red except for herself and took a huge sip of her water. She was smiling at all of us as if we were already in on the joke, but we weren’t.
But then, slowly, realization dawned and she confirmed: she was pregnant. 2 months pregnant, to be exact. We were all happy for her, congratulating her, hugging, etc. Then someone made one of those jokes about them having to get married just because she’s pregnant and she got all mischievous again.
She then revealed that Max didn’t know and that it was going to be a surprise. The reaction to this was mostly positive which dumbfounded me.
Max and Daisy have always wanted kids. I even know they explicitly talked about it before deciding to get married, which is the right thing to do.
However, just because two people want kids, doesn’t mean one person can just decide when is the right time, and that’s exactly what I feel Daisy is doing. I don’t think you should marry someone when you’re keeping something that massive a secret.
I have no idea how she managed to keep it secret for 2 months anyway, but according to her they’ve been so busy with the wedding planning it was easy to hide, and anything weird happening, like her vomiting, she just attributed to stress.
I talked to Daisy the day after the party.
I told her what I thought, and that I was just trying to look out for her, and that if it was the other way around I would want her to do the same for me. She got really quiet while I was talking and afterward told me that she didn’t appreciate me ‘butting in’ on their marriage and that it was her decision.
I pointed out that it shouldn’t be just ‘her decision’ that she was majorly affecting Max’s life too without even including him in the conversation and that she shouldn’t go through with the wedding if she was insistent on keeping him in the dark.
This upset her and she told me to leave and not contact her. Since then I’ve gotten some messages from our friends who were at the party, so I guess she told them. A couple of them agree with me, but most of them are on her side and are calling me a jerk for ‘ruining what’s supposed to be the most exciting time’ in Daisy’s life, and ‘what gives me the right’, etc. I don’t regret speaking up, but I’m worried that I might’ve ruined our friendship and am not even sure I’ll still be allowed to come to the wedding.
Did I maybe overstep?”
Another User Comments:
“I am at a loss of what you are saying: Daisy should call off the wedding which is 6 weeks away because she is pregnant? And Max should have the option of not marrying Daisy because of this? “However, just because two people want kids, doesn’t mean one person can just decide when is the right time, and that’s exactly what I feel Daisy is doing.
” Uh yeah, one does. The one carrying the fetus gets to decide once that pregnancy has happened. You can express to her that you think Max should be told before, but that is as far as friendship can bend. To tell her to call off the wedding is way way way out of bounds Daisy is right, YTJ and you should not contact her again.” Chilling_Storm
Another User Comments:
“I don’t understand what you are saying. The pregnancy happened, and you think she should call off the wedding, that makes no sense unless you are implying that she deliberately got pregnant without him knowing or you think he would want her to terminate the baby.
The baby is coming now whether this is convenient or not and they want to get married, it is not like it will be a secret forever. Why do you feel that this is any of your business? YTJ keep out of other people’s business” Polly265
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