People Lack Decorum In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
19. AITJ For Refusing To Attend My Husband's Birthday Dinner Because He Wanted Me To Leave Early?
“The previous week, I reluctantly allowed my husband’s sister to pick my daughter up from school so she could spend the day with her and his parents (she does half days still).
I say reluctantly because they have continuously crossed parental boundaries in the past, but that’s a different story. It had been a while, and she loved them and I truly wanted them to have a relationship, so I gave it another go.
Anyway, my husband and I went to pick her up at his parents and while there, his sister asked what he was doing for his birthday coming up. I had asked him several times already what he wanted to do and had thrown out some ideas for us to do as a family as well, but he never decided on anything.
So, he says he doesn’t have plans. She asked if he wanted her to make him dinner at her apartment then and he said yeah, that sounds good. It would be a family dinner: his parents, her partner, and our family.
All good.
Tonight, he said that we could drive separately because he doesn’t want to leave early. He asked me at dinner if I would leave early with our daughter so I could put her to bed. He wants to stay and party.
This majorly upset me because this whole pregnancy has not felt like a partnership whatsoever. He only made one of my several ultrasounds (I’m over 35, so get a good amount of them), works almost every weekend voluntarily makes plans with my daughter and me puts off doing things I physically cannot do for the nursery until the third trimester I’ve been asking him to do since the first. I’ve also asked him to look into ways he can support me during birth and not a single Google search has been made to that effect.
I’m not sure if I’m being the crazy pregnant lady, but it certainly feels like he just wants to do whatever he wants without any regard for me carrying this child he told me he desperately wanted. Our birthdays are close, and the baby’s due date is only two days after mine (so I’ll be 40 weeks for my birthday if she doesn’t decide to arrive before then).
So for my birthday, I don’t get to do anything but be pregnant and wait for the baby. It would be nice to feel like he wants to spend these special occasions with me/my daughter and me.
He is not empathetic to the fact that I can’t go out and do these things for this period, so to be told to go home is hurtful.
I told him that in that case, I didn’t even want to be there and she (my daughter) and I weren’t going to dinner.
Honestly, I would not be in a mood to celebrate and just get upset anyway. But it does constantly feel like as much as he claims to be a family guy, spending quality time with us doesn’t matter to him.”
Another User Comments:
“I think he has emotionally left this relationship. Too many red flags for things he is doing or has not done. Sounds like his family is full of jerks. I would start analyzing this situation and determine if it is worth staying in.
Don’t be a single parent in a marriage.” Tired-DogMama-6262
Another User Comments:
“Yep this sounds like a disengaged guy – likes the idea of kids as long as you do all the work and his life doesn’t have to change a bit.
Sounds like you are the issue holding him back from his life. I hope things change for you but he doesn’t sound like a catch.” Artistic-Giraffe-866
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t know if his birthday is the day to die on that hill, especially if you guys don’t have plans.
It kind of sounds like he hasn’t been showing up and this is just the cherry on top. I just know in an argument he’s going to dismiss what you are saying today with “But it’s my birthday.” I would have let this one go just so my partner couldn’t use that excuse when I confronted him about not handling his business and being a father of two and a husband.
You and the baby don’t need this kind of stress.” No_Jaguar67
18. AITJ For Calling Out My Rich Uncle's Hypocrisy When Pressured About Marriage?
“I (25f) have lived with my partner (25m) for 3 years now. We are way too broke to consider marriage with the cost of rings and a wedding (which we want).
My mom’s side of the family is very religious, so much so that my cousin (28m) got married to a pastor (28f) at 24 years old so they could move in together because otherwise that’s taboo.
My mom recently wedded her new husband and my cousin and his wife were invited to the wedding. They took this opportunity to ask me when I’d get married (they weren’t mean about it, but I knew they were uncomfortable at the idea of my living situation).
Here’s the history: my gran died and left her thriving multi-million farm split between her son (my uncle, cousin’s father) and daughter (my mom). My uncle had been on the farm working in place of my grandfather who had died a few years before my gran while my mom had decided to study further and had children in ‘the city’.
So my uncle took exception to the fact that my mom got any of the property and threatened to sue my mom. My mom, 29 at the time while her brother was 41, was naive and broke and in mourning and didn’t want this fight so she forfeited her portion of the inheritance.
My uncle promptly sold the farm for a fortune and moved to the coast to retire at 45. And he paid for the extravagant marriage of my cousin and his pastor wife.
So when they asked when I was getting married, they asked as if money couldn’t be a deciding factor when I laughed it off the first time and told them I was just too broke to get married (my uncle had also just bought them their first house after they moved out the apartment he bought for them).
So when they said money isn’t a good reason as a Christian to live with my partner while we still aren’t married, I gave them another answer which is I can’t afford to have my mom pay for a wedding and buy property for me because my uncle has the money our grandparents wanted my mom to have.
They can’t use the premise of Christianity to make me feel guilty about my situation when they know my uncle threatened my mom out of her inheritance and then cut contact with her until he needed her help with his bad health.
They were here walking around like good Christians with unchristian skeletons in their closet and when that closet was clean, could they come to pester me about my unwed life?
I know it isn’t their fault my uncle is a jerk, but I can tolerate the privilege some Christian people feel over others a lot more than I can tolerate the privilege of having money and pretending it isn’t a factor in life.
But my mom was not happy with me, she says bygones should be bygones. My partner is not happy with me, he said their privilege is not their fault.
AITJ for basically telling my cousin his father is a thief and unchristian-like because they told me money isn’t the reason I should be okay with how I live as a Christian?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ If they didn’t want a response then they shouldn’t have asked. They did it to be rude and put you on the spot. What you said was true. Many people don’t like truth-tellers when they are telling the truth about them.
Marriage isn’t a piece of paper from the state. The Christian definition of marriage is the union of two people before God, not the state. In the eyes of God, you are already married. You don’t need the state to acknowledge that.
Abraham and Sarah didn’t have a piece of paper given to them by the state.” JuJu-Petti
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ. Even without the background, it’s none of their business to judge and lecture you based on their values. And for future reference, you don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you aren’t married. *It’s not the right time for us* is more than sufficient.
*I don’t care to discuss that* is also fine. As for what you said, it was the truth. Maybe a bit of sour grapes on the side, but their judgmental attitude outjerks that.” Dittoheadforever
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
But, I will say, as a Christian, nowhere in the Holy Bible…does it say you have to have a ceremony to be husband and wife. During the time in which it was written, marriage was categorized as living with another person with the intent of procreation.
You may exchange jewelry, such as him giving you a necklace or a nose ring. If you are living together, are monogamous, and intend on staying together…you can consider yourself married. The whole thing with having a ceremony is more of Man’s preference over God’s Word/Will.
It’s also a huge capitalist scam…the diamond industry is just gross.” Emergency-Life-8538
17. AITJ For Refusing To Financially Support My Family Despite Their Dependence On Me?
“I, 20 y/o, have been financially supporting my family ever since I got a job at 18. I get an apprentice wage (1.300€, used to be 1.000€) and 250€ child benefit (I don’t know if that’s the correct term), a good amount of that money is spent on rent (350€).
Since I don’t cook by myself and usually eat at my parents’ place (we live in the same house, for context), I have paid an additional 200€ for food and electricity costs, etc. to them every month.
Additionally, my father tends to ask for money near the end of each month.
It’s between 100€ and 300€, it always depends. My parents both can’t work, my father is disabled and sick and my mother is sick and doesn’t have a job besides caring for my father. Additionally, he tends to ask me to pay for the weekly groceries, which is ~100€ per week, likely more.
So. I get 1.300€ (subtracted from estimated insurance costs already), and I pay ~950€ for rent and to my parents. He usually pays me back at the beginning of the next month (for groceries he tends to do it quicker).
At least he tries to. Even if I get it back, it’s still gone for the moment and therefore an expense in my book. So I have ~350€ to live. Up to now, that was enough.
I won’t be receiving the same wage anymore, starting this month, because I am on sick leave due to my mental health.
I calculated it and I probably will get less than 1.000€ in total (child benefit included, insurance already subtracted). This means, that if I pay the same amount of money to my parents, and keep lending my father money when he needs it, I’ll have nothing left. And it’s not like he only pays for groceries from the money I give him.
He buys tons of drinks too. He’d need way less money if he didn’t buy all that. I’m not mentally strong enough to tell him that I’ll pay for regular groceries but not for that stuff. I thought about that already but I can’t handle the reaction.
Today’s the first day on which I refused to pay any of his stuff, at all. It’s the end of the month he needs the money. He already owes me funds and he’d owe me even more by then.
Yet I can’t feel good about setting this boundary. Because there are kids in that household, who need to get their food and water etc., and especially my youngest sister is incredibly picky about food due to likely being autistic and will refuse to eat due to sensory issues.
My other sibling is chronically ill and is refused medication because “it’s too expensive”. She has asked me to buy her food before because she can’t eat too many things without getting sick, and my parents don’t have the money for that.
This family relies on me for money and I feel bad setting my boundary here. I am planning on withdrawing all of my financial support to get rid of those who depend on me so I can move out.
Because, quite frankly, I can’t stay here. I’m being emotionally and mentally (and probably also financially) mistreated on a daily. If there weren’t kids involved, I’d have withdrawn my support already.”
Another User Comments:
“OP if dad is buying drinks and smokes but denying necessary meds for his minor daughter that is child neglect You are being exploited, and your siblings are being neglected. Maybe make an anonymous report.
Your household needs investigating, your sibling needs meds and food she can eat. Dad does not need drinks. His making that choice is disgusting. Please seek help, there are organizations, there are shelters, there are options to get yourself away, and then steps that can be taken for your siblings.” MajesticPin6411.
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you are a grown adult and it seems from your post the only reason you haven’t moved out already is because your father’s financial mistreatment is keeping you from getting your place. I’m willing to bet he’s not only using your money to buy his smokes and drinks but as a way to keep you from leaving and to fund his lifestyle.
I would highly recommend finding a friend or coworker you can be roommates with so you can save enough money to be on your own or continue being roommates until you figure out what you want to do for the rest of your life.
If you aren’t mentally strong enough for that conversation quietly pack up your stuff and just disappear. This will NEVER get better until you put some distance between y’all and even then abusive parents rarely truly try to reconcile with their kids because they are incapable of seeing the harm and damage they cause.” Character-Device-514
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your family is financially abusing you. You are NOT responsible for financially supporting your parents. Stop doing this. It will never end if you do not put a stop to it. It’s time to find your place and move out.
They need to figure out how to support themselves.” Straight_Bother_7786
16. AITJ For Not Wanting My Family To Constantly Borrow My Car?
“I (20f) was given a car but I wasn’t driving it for a while because I didn’t have my license yet. While I was doing lessons etc my uncle and his family borrowed my car (for months and free of charge- I was still paying the insurance).
I didn’t mind.
Fast forward a while, and I finally got my license. My mom and I work at the same place, so we always drive to work together using her car or mine. One day we used my car and I was about to drive it home when I saw that it wasn’t in the parking lot.
I went to ask my mom where it was and she said she had let some builder borrow my car because he needed it. I didn’t say anything at work and walked home but when she came home, I confronted her and said “The bare minimum thing to do would be at least to ask my permission, I don’t even know who this guy is.” Her reaction was to lose her temper at me and shout and say I’m selfish etc etc.
Now fast forward to this scenario- my uncle and his family have contacted her again to use my car from the end of October to December. I said to her that I wasn’t keen on them using my car since my studies end then and I’m on holiday.
I was planning on using my car and doing things. She lost her temper again and called me selfish. Then this weekend she said that she’s either giving them my car or her car to use and I must decide.
The thing is this means we are sharing a car during the holidays which means when my mom is out and busy (using her car) I am stuck at home. I said “Whatever just let them have my car then” because I was over fighting.
My uncle and his family came to fetch my car this evening and I went to my mom to explain that the reason I wasn’t keen on them using my car, was because now we are stuck with 1 car to share.
I wanted to drive to the gym to go for a run before work but my mom was already using the car. I tried to explain this to her. I also said that I would appreciate it if they contacted me and asked to use my car instead of hers.
She went mad screaming and swearing saying I’m a selfish jerk and then contacted my uncle to say he needed to bring my car back tomorrow because I was throwing a tantrum. She is giving them her car instead.
I feel bad now but I genuinely just wanted her to understand my point of view on the situation and I also wanted them to start messaging me and not my mom.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And if it were me, I’d sell the car and get a different one even if that meant selling a $5000 car and turning around and buying a $5000 car.
For whatever reason, having free reign over the car before they get their license has given them the impression they are entitled to use it. It seems to be less about the car being needed as a matter of convenience (because they could just borrow your mom’s) and more of a mental block that they can’t get past, that they have used it before and that somehow means they get to dictate how it’s used now.
Break the circle. Get a different car, and never let anyone borrow it. Ever. Not even your mom. Make sure it’s a car that locks and you keep the keys on you at all times.” illwriteamemo32
Another User Comments:
“Leaving aside the issue of someone using your car without your permission, you are at risk of legal liability if the car is involved in an accident that causes injury or property damage. If your name is on the title and the insurance policy, it’s you who will end up paying, possibly in a lawsuit and definitely in higher insurance rates or canceled insurance.
Either secure the car so no one else can use it by changing the locks, which isn’t cheap but will cost less than a lawsuit, or find another way to get it out of reach of others who can get to it.
Quit driving to work with your mother. You are at risk of years of astronomical insurance premiums. If your name isn’t in the title, stop paying the insurance and save up for your car, or move somewhere mass transportation is an option and learn to live without a car.
NTJ.” Either_Management813
Another User Comments:
“How about you tell your uncle to buy his own car and stop being a parasite? An occasional one-day or weekend loan is ok but from October to December, forget that! When I had a convertible my sister would borrow it on some sunny days but never got upset if I was using it.” Responsible_Blood789
15. AITJ For Not Letting My Sister Move Into My New House?
“I’m (24F) currently living in my mum’s house with my mum, her husband, my sister (20F), and my younger brother. I’ve been living here for about a year while I get on my feet again. I’m just about to close on a house purchase.
I’m so excited about moving and starting a life on my own. There have been ups and downs during the process and it’s taken longer than expected, but I’m finally nearly done with the process and I’ll have my keys in the next few weeks.
My mum’s husband is not a nice man. Think of every group a person could hate, then add a few more surprise ones that you wouldn’t even think of. He hates all of them, and he’s very vocal about it every single day.
He’s never hurt anyone in the house and never would, he’s just got a very poor personality and horrible views. I mention this because my sister and I don’t get along with him, and his hatred hits home personally for my sister.
She says she feels victimized in this house and can’t stand his attitude. I agree with her, but I’m better at ignoring him than she is. We’re both autistic, so I understand it’s difficult for her to process those negative emotions.
I’m looking forward to getting away from him, so I understand why she’s desperate to get away.
She is desperate to leave, but she only works part-time on a zero-hours contract (she goes in whenever she wants a shift, and there are always enough hours for her to bulk it up.
I know because I work there too) so she doesn’t have a lot of money. Renting is out of the question for her. I can’t even afford to rent around here, that’s why I purchased a house because a mortgage is far cheaper than rent.
When she heard I was buying a house, her first question was “Can I live with you?” and I was uncomfortable, to be honest. I love her to bits but I wasn’t in a position to think of things like that when I’d not even filed paperwork yet.
My mum also says I should consider it as “it’ll give her a lot of independence” and she’ll have more space and be happier. She won’t be able to contribute to the bills enough to cover her costs, I know that because it’s the same here as she pays a little bit of money to my mum.
I mentioned to my sister that she would have to pay more to live with me as my budget will be tight and she said she couldn’t afford more than what she pays my mum.
I could make it work.
The house would have a spare room she could use instead of using it as an office. Yes, it’d be a drain on my finances but she’s my sister. But after living here in a cramped house in a converted conservatory rather than a real bedroom (I wish I was joking), I do want to live alone, at least for a while.
So would I be the jerk if I told her she can’t live with me?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ It is your house, not hers or your mom’s. If I am wrong about anything, do correct me. I am making an assumption here, but it sounds like your sister could make more money at her job, but she doesn’t want to, correct?
Unless there is a reason for it. You paid rent and utilities to stay at your mom’s, but your sister “pays a little bit.” So clearly, this isn’t as much as you paid. Also, your sister is 20. I am assuming that is an adult in your country.
(Assuming not US because mum instead of mom but I could be wrong.) If so, she’s old enough to hustle and make that money to cover her share if not get her mortgage. There are solutions other than moving in with you.
However, they seem to involve something your sister does not want to do. That’s working.” randothrowaway2024
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom might put up with the added expense out of habit. But it’s not her responsibility, and it’s not yours either.
I do have to question something though. You are about to learn a very expensive lesson the hard way. Rent is more expensive as it has to cover all the expenses you would be paying if YOU owned the building.
But now? You own the building.” CommunityGreat9255
14. AITJ For Creating A Christmas Anti-Gift List?
“I (33F) admit I am difficult to buy gifts for. I don’t want more things than I have, I have so much stuff and nowhere to put it as it is (a recent move opened my eyes to this).
Plus, I’m financially stable enough and have cheap enough hobbies that I can usually just buy myself something when I want it.
That brings us to a recent issue with my mother. She asked a couple of weeks ago for everyone in the family to start our Christmas lists so she can get started on her Christmas shopping (yeah, she starts very early).
This is all done on a Google doc that’s shared with the family, and then people will message around to talk about who is getting what so we’re not accidentally buying the same thing for each other. Like an informal registry, I guess.
I couldn’t think of much I wanted. I asked for some tickets to sports games, silly and non-mass-produced trinkets, scented candles, and gift cards to a few restaurants. While trying to come up with ideas for things, mostly I just kept dreading all the sorts of things I usually get for Christmas and then have to find a place for.
I decided to include a list of things not to buy me, figuring that might be as helpful as a list of things I do want. On the list I put things like “fun” socks, funko pops, anything I have to assemble aka “Merry Christmas, I got you a chore you have to do now”, throw blankets, jewelry, throw pillows, decorations, etc.
I intended to go back and add more things I *do* want later, but the day after I made the anti-list my mom called asking why I did that and complaining that I never like the gifts she gives me.
I have told her in the past I don’t want these things and she’ll remember for a year and then buy me a pair of slipper socks the next which then join the four other pairs I already don’t wear.
I pointed this out and she complained about how hard it is to buy me gifts and that just getting me gift cards is boring. She said I’m just going to end up with a bunch of candles and then complain about that next year.
I told her that was just all I could think of at the moment and I’d add more stuff if I thought of it.
She thinks it’s negative to have the anti-list and wants to delete it *but…* my brother and his wife have both made anti-lists now, so have an uncle and a cousin.
My brother also joked about a secret anti-list for their kids to avoid getting messy or noisy toys.
Others are split, some don’t care, some people think it’s helpful, and others agree that it’s negative and not in the Christmas spirit.
My mom seems to be the main person against it, probably because she has bought me at least three of everything on the anti-list except jewelry and feels like I’m embarrassing her. I guess I just want an outside opinion on if this is an okay thing I’ve done or if I’m an ungrateful jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“Eh, no jerks here I guess. I think indicating things you *don’t* want will be seen as helpful to some and ungrateful to others. You may have been better off using that energy to come up with more practical gift ideas to add to your list. Whether that’s toiletries you use regularly, your favorite snacks, a fire extinguisher, etc. Stuff that you would find useful.
Heck, my sister’s list last year had batteries and light bulbs on it, lol.” Stranger0nReddit
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – not for the list but the way you framed it. You could have just said you have enough of these things and don’t need anymore – that way you didn’t make your mother feel bad for buying them previously and look a little more grateful.
Also, you wrote the list you wanted but framed It in an “I’m so misunderstood, I’m not like other teens” and then wrote a post here. I mean it’s all a bit much.” Coast-Prestigious
Another User Comments:
“Honestly, ESH. You are in your *thirties.* Do you need to do an Excel spreadsheet for gifts you don’t need? Just talk to your mother. The method of gifting doesn’t work anymore. However, if your mother insists on gifts, then don’t make an anti-gift list. Just say “thank you” and then donate.
Since your mom enjoys watching you open gifts, an extremely kind thing would be to give the gift list of what you want to your brother, he gives his wish list to you, and then you both have separate times with your mother where you help her buy things.
You both spend time with her and you both can stand firm for the other when she tries to buy socks. Also, gently, I could be misreading this but a mother focusing on seeing her adult children open actual gifts sounds like someone struggling with transitioning into the next stage of life.
It’s probably time for your mom to take on the role of an elder in the family but that can only happen if you and your brother start filling in the roles your mother used to have in keeping the family together.
One of the hardest parts of growing up is moving into a new role while not making the older generation feel obsolete. Figure that out and maybe your mom won’t cling to having you and your brother open socks.” EmpressJainaSolo
13. AITJ For Not Reaching Out To My Estranged Half-Sister During Her Health Issues?
“I (35F) have an older half-sister (45F) from our dad’s first marriage. Both of us grew up with our mothers and lived states away from one another. I would see her once a year when our dad would take me with him to visit her.
Between the short, infrequent visits and the age difference, the two of us never got close. We didn’t dislike each other or anything, though. We just were never “like sisters” the way my dad wanted us to be, which was honestly fine.
About 10 years ago, I ended up moving a lot closer to where she lived and made a go at trying to build a relationship with her and her family. A few visits, some days out, etc. But we had grown into very different people.
We didn’t dislike each other. We just had almost nothing in common.
Our attempt at relationship-building gradually fizzled out. I last saw her in person six years ago at a family funeral and we haven’t seen each other or called or anything since.
We both are in a group text chain with our dad, and that’s the extent of our communication, which is okay with me. A few memes and Dad sending us pictures of the deer in his front yard.
Cool.
Lately, my half-sister has been having some health issues. She slipped on her porch steps and fractured her wrist. She’s now needing surgery for a long-term thing she’s been dealing with. She’s having to have a biopsy for a potential cancer.
And all of that sucks for her and of course, I wish none of it was happening to her – but in the same way, I’d wish it wasn’t happening to anyone if that makes sense.
Our dad always wanted us to be closer, but it never happened. I did text her back when she fell and asked how she was and she said as well as she could be.
And that was the full-text conversation. While it’s no defense, I was traveling for work at the time and wasn’t giving it that much thought. I didn’t text her after that, nor did she text me again since.
I’m now getting guilted to try to reach out to her again. “You should give her a call; she’d love to hear from you.” “Have you talked to your sister lately?” “Maybe a message or call from you would make her feel a little better.”
I know sending a text is a small effort, but it’s more than we’ve done for birthdays, holidays, or any other occasion in our entire lives. I’m genuinely unsure she’d even expect to hear from me, and I doubt she’d be upset if I didn’t.
That’s just not the relationship we have. Trying to make an effort now feels disingenuous, and I’m conflicted because it wouldn’t be coming from me — it would only be because our dad asked me to.
Left to my own devices, I honestly wouldn’t reach out — and I’m almost positive she knows that.
WIBTJ if I didn’t text the half-sister I have almost no relationship with to try to comfort her while she’s having various health issues?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ to not have a big relationship with her. That’s normal and perfectly acceptable. I don’t see why the fam is making a big thing about reaching out now and I would think nothing of it if you just ignored them.
However, it’s been on your mind and it seems like you’re putting more thought into not doing something than it would take to do it. It doesn’t make you a jerk to not do it but I kinda do wonder why you won’t if it’s unsettled you like this?
You don’t have to invite conversation. “Hey, X, I heard you’ve been having some health issues, I have been thinking about you and wish you all the best.” It’s a small act of kindness that costs you nothing to commit, it’s nothing but upside.” 0wittacious1
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ. Based on your description, you’ve done what you would be expected to do: when she injured herself, you reached out and checked in on her. You opened that line. It was there for her to continue or not continue as she felt or needed. It fizzled. Your dad has these feelings that you should be reaching out, but even if the suggestion of that is coming from her (and we have no indication that it is) she can also open communication.
Nothing is preventing her from calling you and saying “I just wanted to hear your voice. Weird, I know, but…” You’re both adults. You haven’t closed off the possibility of communication. You just don’t feel an obligation to be checking in on her regularly.
That’s understandable. That’s not the relationship you have. If she wanted to change that… she could.” rockology_adam
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You guys have a relationship that works for both of you…you touch base now and then and that’s that and that’s perfectly fine.
Your dad is just throwing that stuff out to guilt you, he wishes you guys had this Brady Bunch sisterhood but you just don’t. Again, that’s okay because it’s not like you dislike each other you just aren’t close.
He’s trying to hammer a square peg into a circle hole.” Caspian4136
12. AITJ For Favoring My Nephews Over My Partner's Sisters?
“I (31M) inherited my parents’ house and became the guardian of my two nephews (16M & 12M) about 7 years ago.
Before he passed away, my dad was in the middle of renovating the basement so each nephew to have a large bedroom with a bathroom. To honor my dad, I finished the renovation and each of my nephews had their room and bathroom with the specs my dad had made (he was an architect).
Around this time, I graduated from law school. I was having a tough time finding a job. So I decided to start my own firm. It has worked out very well for me financially. So, I get to spoil my nephews a fair bit.
But, they are good kids, respectful, courteous, and great students.
3 years ago, I met a woman. Her family is a train wreck. She has no relationship with her extended family because they were involved in this extremely conservative religious church/cult.
Her parents escaped, but are not equipped for parenting. They had five daughters, my partner (26F) and her sisters (16F, 14F, 10F, 8F). My partner and I talked about moving in together and did so two years ago.
A little over a year ago, she approached me about moving in with her sisters. Her parents are still the legal parents of the sisters. But, they cannot hold down jobs, etc. My nephews and I discussed about the sisters moving in.
They agreed, but only if they yet their rooms and bathrooms. I said, “Absolutely!” and told my partner. This meant the four sisters would share two small bedrooms and a small bathroom.
The living arrangement has been rough.
The girls are on top of each other and constantly bickering. My partner has asked if we could have two of her sisters share one of the basement bathrooms. I said “No.” My partner makes less than a tenth of what I do.
My partner and I split groceries and utilities, but I pay for all the other shared expenses. Other than paying for standard living expenses, I do not pay for many things for the girls. My perspective is that is for their parents and/or my partner to do.
I do buy things for my nephews like concert tickets, video game systems, movie tickets, etc.
This came to a head recently because my oldest nephew and my partner’s oldest sister have birthdays only about a month apart.
For my partner’s sister’s 16th birthday, I bought her some makeup and a nice purse (it was about $100 total). My nephew wanted to take his partner to a Taylor Swift concert. I got him two concert tickets to go in about a month.
I also bought him a car. My partner’s sister felt some type of way (she is a “Swifty” and hates my nephew’s partner, they go to the same school).
After his birthday, my partner called me a jerk.
She said she was tired of me favoring my nephews and it needs to change. I told her that my nephews are my responsibility, but her sisters are not. I bought her sister a nice gift, but I am not going to treat them like my nephews.
The friend group is divided, so trying to get perspective here.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“For what you describe, NTJ. You’re only sort of one because you have no boundaries and are being taken for a ride on your generosity.
This is a bizarre arrangement, moving four younger sisters in to help a partner. Also, and as an attorney, you should know this — a massive liability (because they are unrelated to you and their problems are now yours, by your choice).
Not like it’s her kids, that would be different. That said, the solution is obvious too. You should put your nephews first. If you’re set on staying with this woman then the kids should go back to their parents or, if you have the money and it’s truly that bad, a full-time boarding school.
As it is, you’re hurting your nephews EVEN IF you favor them (as you should, you’re not married to this woman, and her sisters wouldn’t be your kids anyhow) by putting them through this. I hate to be that person with the tough advice because you’re not the jerk.
But if this partner cannot understand that this arrangement makes no sense, why stay with her?” Usual_Guidance_4072
Another User Comments:
“Help your partner find a separate place for her and her sisters to live. She’s going to keep pushing to take up more space, literally and figuratively, for her family’s needs – even at the expense of your nephews’ well-being – the longer you allow them to stay in your house.
You need a very clear divide between your home life, your romantic relationship with her, and your willingness to be a supportive partner while SHE handles the familial (emotional and financial) responsibilities she’s chosen to take on. You never agreed to parent her sisters or fund her household.
Her acting like you owe her sisters a lifestyle comparable to what you provide for your nephews is a very bad sign. Get all of them out of your and your nephews’ home as quickly as possible.” BookBlerd
Another User Comments:
“Literally 8 people in this house and the oldest is 31 responsible for a bunch of kids. I can’t believe this turned into a mess. You honestly need to explain why you and your partner thought this wasn’t going to be damaging to these kids.
You have 4 girls living like second-class citizens watching the 2 boys have the world handed to them and you didn’t think this would be an issue? No, you aren’t responsible for taking care of her sisters, but did you honestly think a teenager was going to understand why her living conditions are so bad and why someone gets Taylor Swift tickets and a car for their birthday and she gets a bag?
You and your partner playing house with all these kids is going to have some serious damage to these teenagers. This situation is messed up.” LogicalDifference529
11. AITJ For Telling My Overbearing MIL I Don't Want Her Around My Wife And Kids Anymore?
“I’m 31m, married to my wife (28) for 8 years. We have 3 kids and she’s currently pregnant with our fourth.
For context, my wife’s mom and dad are divorced and both remarried long ago. FIL, stepmom, and stepdad are all great.
The issue is her mother. My wife is an only child and her mother is overbearing to the point it stresses my wife out incredibly. She tries to video call my wife and the kids every night for 2+ hours at a time despite knowing my wife (SAHM) has things to do.
MIL will get upset if my wife can’t text her all day about what she’s doing and if she can’t sit and talk at night. When our kids are on breaks, she expects them to spend every single day of it at her house (6 hours away) and gets mad and says my wife is doing the kids wrong by not letting them spend time with their grandparents.
But when my wife DOES, MIL constantly acts like she’s a bad mom, and I’m a bad husband and dad in general.
Last week, my wife had a pregnancy scare. She ended up in the hospital for three days and didn’t text her mom back.
MIL decided to message someone I work with on social media. He didn’t respond. So she messaged his wife who told my MIL that my wife was in the hospital. She got mad and called my wife repeatedly until she answered and MIL started yelling that my wife should have told her so she could come “help”, and the call ended with my wife in tears and her blood pressure sky high.
MIL called me yelling that she had a right to know and I had no right to keep her daughter from her family (again SHE- and her husband by default-is the only one being kept away from my wife at this time.
Everyone else knew where we were). She told me I’m a bad husband, a bad father, and her daughter had never “shunned” her before “I got my hooks into her”. She called me controlling and abusive. And I’ll admit I lost my temper.
I told her that I couldn’t stand her, and I didn’t want her- I made sure to specify HER specifically, not anyone else in my wife’s family- around my wife and kids anymore. She’s done a lot of things to my wife that’s affected her mental health.
My wife is a nervous wreck any time she’s around, to the point she’s not even herself. She’s nervous and she’s jumpy and extremely irritable. She denied that any of it was her fault and blamed it on me, to which I pointed out it’s ONLY HER that her daughter is like this around.
I blocked her number from my wife’s phone (only while we were in the hospital) but she’s been sending me relentless texts about how we “can’t keep keeping her daughter away from her.” I did apologize to my wife for all of this.
She says she’s not upset with me. I don’t know if I took it too far. I just know what I did has caused stress for my wife and I feel bad about that. But at the same time, I also feel like it needed to be done.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your MIL is a full-blown lunatic, and her actions risk the life of both her daughter and her unborn grandchild. Even after your wife is home from hospital I would try to help your wife find a way to go low contact with her mum.
I would go with either a weekly time-limited phone call with only emergency text messages in between to reduce your wife’s stress, and if her mum berates her in any way your MIL should be told the consequences of her actions.” Humble_Scarcity1195
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Two hours on video call with kids 8 or younger? My nephew is 8 and if we’re talking about Pokémon he might be able to last 20 minutes. If my parents are reading to him, even more.
But TWO HOURS? That’s entirely for the benefit of the adult at that point, and the kids must be bored out of their minds. Your poor wife, trying to wrangle 3 young kids into paying attention to one thing for TWO HOURS.
God, I just can’t get over that.” Rivkari
Another User Comments:
“NTJ obviously but just to warn you in these kinds of scenarios, if you push for change the wife may initially agree but then often ends up siding with her mum and turning against you (because the mum will manipulate her against you) even though it’s illogical and you’re only trying to help your wife.
Because if your wife was logical and self-protecting, she probably would have set boundaries herself already a long time ago if you see what I mean. They’ve always had this unhealthy codependent or whatever it’s called relationship, your wife’s been conditioned since a child.
I hope this isn’t the case for you, and it isn’t always the case. Some just need a wake-up call, maybe a bit of therapy, and will start setting boundaries. But just prepare yourself.” Unfair-permit
10. AITJ For Calling My Sister A Greedy Manipulative Sociopath Over A Christmas Gift?
“My mum asked me for a new tablet earlier this year for Christmas. I was like, yeah sure of course! I contacted my sister about a month ago and told her mum had asked for a tablet and that maybe it would be a good idea for us to pitch in together and get her an iPad.
Not an iPad Pro or anything, just the standard base version. I told her if we waited until black Friday we could get a good deal and it would probably be less than £150 each. Or actually something like £80 each as she’s married and it would be a joint present from them and me.
At first, she was like yeah great idea amazing. Now today I message her and tell her that the prime day deals are coming up imminently and I’ll keep my eyes peeled for a good deal, might even pick one up for about £250.
She suddenly goes proper funny and says they can’t afford it right now as they are doing up their house so they don’t want to spend a lot at Christmas and she would need to ask her husband if that’s what they want to do.
Now a crucial fact is that they have LOADS of money. They are in no way hard up and could very easily afford it. They go on like 5 snowboarding holidays a year etc and she constantly brags about it all.
I told her that was fine I would pay and she could pay me back later, or I would get her the iPad myself anyway and they could contribute if they wanted to, but no worries if not.
I wanted to get Mum something nice after a rough year.
Here’s where things get spicy: About 1 hour later my sister called up my mum and directly told her that I was planning to get her an iPad for Christmas and that I had asked them to pitch in.
So purposefully ruining the surprise in a very calculated way. She tells my mum to call me and tell me that she wants perfume for Christmas and that she doesn’t want a tablet at all. And then finishes by telling my mum that she cannot tell me that she’s called her and said this.
My mum then of course immediately calls me and tells me all this crazy stuff that’s just happened. Make no mistake this is because my sister and/or her husband have decided they don’t want to spend that much as they don’t think my parents will spend the same on them back, or my sister doesn’t want me to upstage her and make her appear to be mean or tight.
One year when I was having a bit of financial difficulty due to studying I suggested getting each other smaller presents. We all got each other little surprises totalling about £40-60 each, my sister however got me a medium-sized bar of Cadbury’s fruit and nut.
Her husband was so embarrassed he took me outside to apologize. Last Xmas when I lost my job she refused to get me anything at all as she didn’t expect to get anything in return. I sent her a voice note telling her that she’s a disgusting manipulative, greedy sociopath and not bother getting us anything at all.
She’s told me to get lost. Told my parents to get lost. And has said she won’t be coming for Christmas at all this year!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The enjoyment factor for your holidays just leveled up significantly.
Also, your wallet gets to keep more money by not buying gifts for Sis and BIL. Stay strong, OP. Your unpleasant sibling may decide that she’ll be joining us for Christmas after all. You and your parents should make firm plans NOW that can’t be changed to include her.
Maybe a hotel stay, going to a spa, a short trip somewhere — ANYTHING that would allow you to say “Sorry, we’ve got plans, can’t change them, bye!” CrazyOldBag
Another User Comments:
“NTJ sorry your sister is a self-centered unpleasant person.
If you can, it would still be a nice surprise to get your mom the iPad, she won’t be expecting it now. Maybe your sister will keep her word, miracles do happen, and she will not show up for Christmas.
And everyone can have a very merry holiday without all her baggage being brought in to deal with. gives you something worthwhile to wish for.” LosAngel1935.
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She was trying to manipulate the situation by going behind your back to orchestrate a cheaper present, so you weren’t wrong.
You probably could have gone about it in a bit of a better way though (sociopath is maybe a bit strong), just to keep some peace. However, I would not blame you if you didn’t care about keeping the peace anymore.” impeachnixon68
9. AITJ For Wanting My Best Friend To Walk Me Down The Aisle Instead Of My Father?
“My husband and I (29 M&F) are renewing our vows a few weeks shy of our 10th anniversary next year. We’re going to do an actual ceremony and reception as we just went down to the courthouse and got married for the first time.
It’s going to be small and intimate with our closest friends and family.
Yes, I absolutely could walk myself down the aisle but 10 years ago I got into a car accident that completely crushed my left foot. I will be in a walking boot for the rest of my life and I’ve learned to be okay with that.
I can walk with other shoes but I need either a walker or a cane to help me, or if someone offers their arm to walk with me. I’ve had surgery to make it permanently stabilized so it doesn’t bend, so I do not have the full range of my ankle or foot.
Why this is relevant – my grandmother hand-crocheted a pair of lace slippers for my each of female cousins and me (she made crocheted boutonnieres for my brothers and male cousins) for when we got married. That way if she passed we could have a piece of her with us, (unfortunately, she passed in 2021).
10 years ago I couldn’t even walk, I got married in a wheelchair with my foot had a sock on as anything other than that caused excruciating pain. But after years of PT, I’m okay with things touching my foot.
I plan on wearing my pair of lace slippers which is why I would like someone to walk down with me. It’s not at all about giving me away, it’s for support so I don’t have to use a cane or walker.
I’ve been thinking about the whole “who is walking me down part” and I’m very much NC and LC with my family. I haven’t spoken to my mother and my brother since 2019 and I haven’t seen my father for over six months besides waving at him from the car at a red light.
He’s only met my 1-year-old daughter once and he has been around my 8-year-old son a handful of times.
I thought about asking my FIL, but my husband’s family is just now realizing we don’t speak to my side.
I was thinking about asking my grandpa but frankly, I’m not even sure he’s going to be here next October as his health is declining.
Here’s where I might be the jerk because I’ve been thinking about asking my best friend since middle school.
My kids call her auntie and I even used her middle name as part of my daughter’s name. She supported me through my darkest times and was there through every part of my recovery. She celebrated every good moment since we’ve been friends.
I know it’ll hurt my family’s feelings (especially my father’s) not to ask him as my father’s side has always been more traditional and I know he’s expecting me to ask but would I be the jerk if I didn’t ask him to walk with me?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your wedding, and you should ask your friend if that’s the person you most want to honor in this way. This isn’t even actually a wedding, it’s a vow renewal or celebration… There’s nothing traditional about it (in a good way)!
Do what’s right for you.” Far-Belt9950
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. I didn’t ask my dad to walk me down the aisle either. If you want to avoid stirring the pot, though, like I did, consider some other options.
My husband walked me down the aisle. He came out of one room and waited for me for the “big reveal” and then we did it together. Alternatively, you can find a “job” only your dad can do (or make it seem like he’s the only one who can) so that there’s no question why he’s not the one walking you.
Is he the family photographer? I know he’s hardly met your kids, but is he good with them and trustworthy enough to be tasked with watching them? Things like that. Congratulations!” SpaceGay721
Another User Comments:
“You wouldn’t be the jerk.
The tradition of dad walking the bride down the aisle is about “giving her away”, and handing the responsibility for her over to another man. That doesn’t apply to most people these days, especially if you are renewing vows after 10 years of marriage.
If you don’t want to walk alone (understandable given your physical challenges) you should be able to ask anybody else you want to assist you in that way. Your husband could do it. At 8, your son is probably too young still.
Your best friend sounds like an excellent choice, especially if she is in a dual role of a sort of maid/matron of honor.” CatteNappe
8. AITJ For Delaying My Friend's Trip Booking While Awaiting Parental Permission?
“A friend of mine invited me to fly to Japan with her for a conference she’s presenting at. She’ll be presenting for her school, so her schoolmates and some teachers will be there with her—she only invited me so that we could have a side trip together once the conference is over.
They are supposed to fly to Japan on October 15, and she only invited me to come a month before, so it was pretty spontaneous. My parents support me financially as I’m still a student, so it depended on them if I could go with her or not.
She didn’t want to book her plane tickets + accommodations as she was waiting to see if I could come with her or not. I told her early on that she should just assume that I was not coming with her and book her flight and hotel, but she insisted on waiting for my parents’ decision.
It was pretty difficult for me to convince my parents to let me go as it was quite spontaneous, so I couldn’t give her a straight answer since my parents weren’t giving me one as well.
I told her multiple times to assume that I wasn’t going with her, but she would always insist on waiting for me.
Then yesterday, she suddenly messaged me and told me to forget about coming with her.
She said that if it was taking so long for my parents to make a decision, then it was already pretty clear what the answer was. She also expressed that I should’ve given her an answer early on so that she could’ve gotten cheaper prices for her plane ticket accommodation.
Even though she told me not to worry about it, I could tell that she was annoyed about it. I apologized multiple times, but she’s been ignoring me ever since then.
I understand that the reason why she didn’t want to book her plane tickets + accommodation early on was because they would change if I were to come with her, but I think it’s pretty unfair that she’s taking her frustrations out on me when I told her multiple times that she should assume that I wasn’t going to come with her.
I’m not saying that she shouldn’t be annoyed, as she has every right to be, but I think it’s petty that she’s ignoring me and is upset at me when she decided to postpone purchasing her tickets + accommodation.
I’m honestly not quite sure how to feel about this situation. If anything, I feel hurt that she’s treating me this way without considering what I’m feeling. She’s supposed to be my “best friend”, but she ghosts me for months and then chats with me out of the blue once in a while.
I never called her out for this because I understand that she might have been going through something, so it hurts that the same consideration isn’t shown to me. I tried to be as transparent as possible with her, but maybe I could’ve done something more.
I don’t think that I’m the right one in this situation, but I think it’s unfair for all the blame to be pinned on me when I told her multiple times to assume that I wasn’t going to be going with her.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She ignored what you told her and then blamed you for it. She’s the jerk. This wasn’t some agreed-upon trip planned for months to years. She convinced herself everything would work out and is angry at you for reality not matching up to her expectations.
That ain’t on you.” Eresyx
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but what you could’ve done differently was be explicit. The answer of “assume I am not coming” says I am not but leaves the door open to the fact that might change.
Next time a simple “sorry, I can not come” shuts the issue down completely.” Financial_Bear_5071
7. AITJ For Handling Our Cats' Care Due To My Brother's Anxiety?
“I 20F live with my brother 23M. We each have our cats, mine is 4 and he is 11. I pretty much handle everything that has to do with them. I schedule and take them to vet visits, and any medication they need, I give it to them.
So on and so forth. This is for two reasons.
1) I don’t mind at all. I love animals and even if the 11-year-old isn’t mine, I still grew up with her and love her to pieces. She’s such a sweet old lady and if I have to give her ear drops twice a day, oh well.
2) I don’t exactly trust him to do it. He’s got a severe anxiety disorder and anything stressful sends him into a panic which he ends up hurting them. When the 11-year-old had to get ear drops, I had him practice on my 4-year-old black cat since she’s better at sitting still, and he held her by the neck until she scratched and bit him.
The point is, I’d rather just handle it myself until he can learn to manage his anxiety or until I see improvement in his handling of it. Generally, he’s fine with them, it’s just when it comes to medication of any kind.
Recently, his partner gave us fleas. She didn’t tell us that her home was infested and came over with no warning. I think I was reasonably angry at this since fleas have never been a problem with our cats and I was frustrated to have to treat them.
Flea treatment makes me nervous since if it’s ingested by them, it’s poison, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
I treated my cat last week and I told him that since it was his partner that brought them into our apartment, he needs to handle treating his cat.
I kinda figured he wasn’t going to, but part of me wanted to see if he would take the initiative. He didn’t. He texted me today in a panic because the 11-year-old has fleas and he found one on her.
I told him I would deal with it tomorrow when I wasn’t at work, and left it at that.
He goes into this spiral of “I feel so bad, and you do everything for both cats, and it’s not fair to you and” all this other stuff of an overly apologetic attitude, which I know sounds like a nice sentiment but he does this over EVERY little thing that I do.
He acts like he should have thought of doing it first. If I vacuum the shared spaces or do the cat litter, he apologizes profusely that he didn’t do it first even though it was just something I wanted to do.
He’s always been like this, so his apology for not handling the cat honestly meant nothing.
I told it as is and said that I didn’t care and I’d rather he not handle it because when he does, he hurts them.
And he’s upset now saying that he understands and he’s sorry for saying sorry so much. It’s just annoying. I’m annoyed at the whole situation.
I think I handled it right, but maybe I should stop babying him.
I don’t know.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but is your brother getting any kind of help for his anxiety? I’ve got severe anxiety too and I over-apologize when I make mistakes. And then I keep making mistakes because of my anxiety.
But therapy and meds have helped a lot with that. It’s not your job to make him better. He needs professional help for that. I’m sure he genuinely feels sorry and his anxiety is increasing that guilt to an overwhelming feeling, but if he’s not putting in the work to treat the cause of his issues, you’re not to blame for being sick of it.” totallyworkinghere
6. AITJ For Putting A 'No Parking' Sign On My Garage Door?
“I (F) recently moved into my first solo apartment away from my parents, it’s a building with 6 apartments 2 on each floor, 4 garages on the ground floor which are rented out with the apartments on the first and second floors, 2 yards for the apartments on the bottom floor and a significant area between the building and the street where we can park our cars, there’s also a small public parking lot next to the building (I don’t remember how many cars it fits but it should be less than 10, the government also allows for parallel parking across the street for a set amount of time, though if you don’t move your car in that amount of time no one cares, you have to go to your car and adjust something without turning on your engine and the police call it good enough.
Not to mention the church with a public parking lot attached that can fit nearly a hundred cars less than a five-minute walk away. I don’t have a car or license so I ride my bike everywhere. Because of that, I decided to leave my bike in the garage that came with my apartment and use most of it as storage.
After a week of living there, I went grocery shopping. When I turned around to close the front door behind me, I noticed a stranger’s car parked in front of my garage. I went up to the car to take a closer look, and sure enough, my garage was completely blocked and impossible to open.
I didn’t need my bike as getting to the store is faster if I walk there so I left it for now but I worried that I wouldn’t be able to get to my bike when I left in the morning.
When I got back from the store I noticed to my relief that the car had left and I ordered a “no parking” sticker online while unpacking the groceries. When the sticker arrived I immediately pasted it to my garage door to make sure that no one would park there and make it impossible for me to get to work.
Yesterday the person living in the apartment above me and using the garage next to mine (mine is at the far end of the building) knocked on my door and got angry that I pasted the sign to my door.
I know nothing of this person other than they are male presenting, drive a van with a painting company logo on the side and I see them leaving when I’m eating my breakfast every morning. I also know their first name because I met them briefly in my first week of living there.
Let’s call them Kevin though. Kevin told me that the space in front of the building was shared, and by pasting that sticker, I am putting rules on a portion of that space and essentially claiming it. After a long conversation, they said I was unkind for hanging it there and stormed off before I could say anything else.
This morning I found the sticker torn off and crumpled on the shared space.
I ordered a metal plate.”
Another User Comments:
“Parking in front of someone’s driveway or garage space is illegal. Doing so prevents the property owner (or renter) from accessing their property.
NTJ Side note: Since you are not the owner, putting a sticker on the garage door may not have been the best choice. Contact the building manager or landlord and tell them about the vehicle that is blocking you in so they have an opportunity to do something about it.
Ask if you can put a sticker or any other signage on their building before doing so. If the landlord wants you to take the sticker down, you will be obligated to take it down and clean up any residue from the adhesive.” OGBrewSwayne
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can’t park a car across someone’s driveway because that prevents them from using their driveway. They don’t need a sign for every driveway. Same with your garage doors. They can’t park in such a way as to block your access.
The space between your garage door and the street is YOUR driveway. If you and a roommate had 2 vehicles then you could park one in the garage and one in the driveway in front of it. Then it would be up to you and your roommate to rearrange the cars as needed. Your neighbor took advantage of using your driveway when the apartment was empty, or perhaps because they knew you had no car.
He’s just mad that you aren’t allowing that anymore.” 1962Michael
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But you’re going about this the wrong way. This isn’t your property and you can’t post signage indicating special parking rules. Contact your landlord or apartment manager and let them know the issue and what they will do about it.
Kevin’s point is…dumb. The sign was not meant for residents like himself. But while he’s a jerk about how he communicated to you, and his anger, he has a point that it’s not your place to post No Parking signage.
You’re a renter, not a property manager. Go talk to the office, they are obligated to help: you are paying rent for a usable garage space. If that’s being impeded regularly and they aren’t doing anything about it, they violate their lease agreement with you.” pdubs1900
5. AITJ For Thinking My Wife's Perfectionism Ruins Family Outings?
“My wife is an amateur photographer/perfectionist and for 15 years I’ve known she has had a very different approach to taking pictures than me. I take lots of quick pictures capturing candid moments and the occasional group shot, she feels a need to pose people and micromanage lighting, faces, positioning, etc to get “the perfect picture”.
This has gotten more and more challenging as we’ve gotten older and had kids and dogs.
Recently we had a rehash of a fight we’ve had multiple times. We went to a pumpkin patch with our 3 kids (ages 1.5, 6, & 8), and not long after getting out in the patch she set to work setting up a family picture.
She spent about 15 minutes futzing with settings on her extremely expensive (~$3k) camera and tripod while I followed all three kids around and then she called us back to pose and we spent another 15 minutes trying to get a good shot.
The sun was beating down and everyone was sweating and uncomfortable standing there, the kids were squirming and complaining, and the camera remote control was malfunctioning, and everyone got annoyed while she took many pictures she gave up on getting “the shot” and was angry at everyone for the rest of the morning.
By the time it was done, one kid had to pee and another was hungry and wanted to sit in the shade and have a snack. By the time all kid’s issues were settled, they wanted to play on the playground, look at animals on the farm, etc. eat lunch, and then it was time to go home.
We didn’t get any pumpkins picked out LOL.
On the ride home she gave everyone a lecture about how important the pictures were for preserving memories and how angry she was at me and the kids for not being more supportive.
She said she “wouldn’t have come out to the pumpkin patch if not for getting the family fall picture.” I countered that pictures are important but that the experience was most important and that I had thought we were going to patch for the benefit of the kids and that the picture was a nice bonus if we could fit it in.
She didn’t like that much.
This fight has happened many times. We rarely set up a nice family picture without her getting upset with everyone for not cooperating. It’s especially tough because she is both in the pictures and taking the pictures with remote control and tripods which requires a lot of back and forth between posing, picture taking, checking, adjusting, and repeating.
We’ve hired photographers before and she doesn’t like what they do, she feels like she does a better job than folks we’ve hired. The pictures are lovely when she gets them but I look at them and feel like they are usually a lie, fabricated moments.
I try to be supportive but inside I wish she would let this go, it’s feels impractical, and she fails to prep adequately for the human element and recognizes that she can’t do this as well as she’d like when she is in the picture.
AITJ?? Or should I just continue to suck it up and be supportive?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell her that the kids’ memory of the pumpkin patch won’t be of a happy time spent together as a family, it will be of her trying to micromanage a picture and then being mad at everyone.
Maybe if she recognizes the effect of her actions, it will give her pause to reconsider.” Outrageous-Victory18
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – leave your wife home with her camera, take your kids to the pumpkin patch, and let them have fun My mother was a perfectionist who ruined a ton of my childhood with her need to make sure everything “looked” perfect.
Hair – had to be right. No dirt. No wrinkles. No spills. No mistakes are allowed as a child. Had to have a good deal of therapy to overcome all the issues and trauma from it. So while the photo obsession is bad, hope she is not doing worse on a day-to-day basis at home.” Hippy_Dippy_Gypsy
4. AITJ For Wanting My Female Best Friend As My Best Man At My Wedding?
“I (25M) and my fiance (24F) are getting married in 6 months. As soon as we started planning the wedding, I was sure that I wanted my best friend (25f) of 22 years to be my best (wo)man.
We met in nursery school and have been best friends since. We grew like siblings due to our moms being best friends, our little brothers being best friends since birth, and being neighbors for years. My fiance never liked my best friend.
She never liked us hanging out even with our families. She always thought that my best friend had feelings for me or that I would be unfaithful to her. I reduced my contact with my best friend to please my fiance, but she still is one of the most important people in my life.
But even after I reduced my contact with my best friend (let’s call my fiance C and my best friend L) C wasn’t happy when I would see her while visiting my family and doing something with L’s family.
This would not happen often because I moved with C to another city for her work.
I know many guys say things like she’s like a sister to me even though they like the girl, but in this case, it is true.
L even calls my mother her second mother due to the fact of how close they are. I can see that L is a pretty girl but not my type at all, and my fiance knows that, but she is still jealous when I talk about L.
When I told C that I wanted L to be my best man at the wedding and that that was important to me, she lost it and said that if I wanted her to be there so bad I should just marry L.
I had a bad reaction to that and just started laughing because I couldn’t believe what she was saying. After a bit of fighting, she admitted that she didn’t even want L at the wedding and I said that there would not be a wedding if she wasn’t ok with L being in my life and attending the wedding and left to spend the weekend at my mom’s house.
L was at almost all my important moments and was always there for me even if that meant sacrificing herself and I can’t exclude her from this day that would be like excluding the rest of my family.
While at my mom’s house, L came over and I told her about the fight with C, L said that she didn’t want to be a problem in my and C’s relationship and that she didn’t need to come to the wedding.
I assured L that she wasn’t the one causing problems and that she would be at the wedding if there were any.
I am not sure what to do now. I don’t know if I can go forward with the marriage.
So, am I the jerk for having L as my best (wo)man?”
Another User Comments:
“So let’s leave L out of it for a minute in terms of whether or not she’s okay attending or not. You should not be getting married to someone who does not trust you.
C thinks you will be unfaithful to L. She thinks you have feelings for L. The fact that she does means that you two are not ready for marriage. You may be, but she is not. She is incredibly insecure and unless and until you get to the bottom of it and she learns to trust your feelings for her, you’d better wait to get married. NTJ.” corgihuntress
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your fiance is the jerk! Her insecurity is disgraceful. Having L at the wedding is important to you and your happiness should be important to your fiance. Would things be different if L was a man?
I vote no wedding, she sounds like she’s going to dictate everything that happens in your life.” Loquacious555
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you should think long and hard about whether this wedding should even happen. Going off this, it doesn’t sound like your fiance even trusts you.
As a man, I have mostly women friends. That’s typically just who I get along with more. If someone I was with was that insecure about my friends to the point that they’d accuse me of being unfaithful with any of them, I’d eventually have to consider if we’re even compatible.” Gold_Repair_3557
3. AITJ For Demanding An Apology From My Partner For Being Late To Family Thanksgiving?
“My (F 37) family Thanksgiving was planned for this weekend and my partner (M 37) always loves my family dinners. My family lives about an hour and a half away from us and my partner and I live separately.
The night before I told my partner I needed us to pick up my aunt on the way there, that I had plans to help my mom and do stuff for my family, and that I would like him to be at my place at 1130am and he agrees and says okay.
In the morning he always gets up super early. He texts me at 6 am saying he has all these chores to do and maybe if he skips grocery shopping he can still be at my place on time but otherwise will be 30 minutes to an hour late.
My partner is generally always late, I know this means he’ll be at least an hour late if not more, and we’ve talked before about how it stresses me out and gives me anxiety to be late. So I immediately respond when I wake up at 830am and tell him to skip grocery shopping and get to mine on time instead.
He responded that he had already done grocery shopping he had to finish his laundry and he was going to be late but he could drive without me. At this point, he still had 2 to 3 hours to finish what he was doing and get to mine.
At this point I’m mad. I’m just angry that his laundry is more important than me and my family. Important to note that he already has clean clothes to wear. We argue. Eventually, he texts my family directly to tell them he’s going to be late and asks them if it’s okay.
I found this very childish and disrespectful. I don’t want to drive separately because of gas money, environment, and optics. It’s a long drive.
Eventually, I stopped arguing with him and just got ready and started cooking since I was bringing a dish.
I text him again saying I will wait for whenever he gets to mine. I wait for an hour and then call him and find out he had to take a walk to cool off and still has multiple things on his list to do before he leaves now.
At this point, I give up and say I can’t be any later and I’m going without him.
When I pick up my aunt she’s been waiting for an hour for me. We ended up getting to my mom’s at 245, more than an hour after I had planned because traffic was bad.
I didn’t get to do some of the things I planned with my mom because a bunch of people were already there.
My partner showed up at around 4 pm and I did my best to just let it go for the evening.
Dinner was served at 6 pm. This morning he texted asking if we were going to see each other today and my response was that I was only interested in talking to him if he was ready to apologize.
He responded that he’ll apologize only if it’s a mutual apology. I don’t think I have anything to apologize for. I put up with him being late all the time, but my family Thanksgiving is one of those rare occasions where I need him to prioritize me over LAUNDRY!
He thinks I was not being reasonable and that it was important for his mental health to do all his chores.
So AITJ for demanding an apology or should I be apologizing too?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here.
Him way more than you. What he did feels calculatingly disrespectful, but then again, you in turn chose to leave aunt waiting for an hour, meaning you’re angry at him for something you ended up doing to her.
The moment you learned he was going out of his way to not show up on time was the moment you should’ve written him out of your traveling plans. I’d have disinvited him for acting like this, but that’s just me. He showed you that doing what he wants is more important than respecting you or what’s important to you.
His laundry and chores come before you do. Is that the kind of person anyone wants in their life? A demanded apology is worthless. It means nothing unless he feels he’s in the wrong, which he doesn’t.” AsparagusWTweak
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. I’m confused about the importance of carpooling optics. Does your family not know you live separately? If it was common knowledge, why would it matter? I get the environmental considerations, but if the dude is going to tell you at 6 am that he’s already going to be late, why are you still relying on carpooling if being on time matters more to you?
You also say that YOU had to be there early because of things you planned. He shows up at 4, dinner is at 6. That’s still early, just not early for you to prep food. Honestly, stop carpooling for optics and either don’t invite him, or know that he shows up late.
You’re not going to influence him at this rate to be prompt. This dude’s not changing. Accept him as is, or make other arrangements.” Snackinpenguin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but would offer that his chronic lateness is a control mechanism and rude at the very least. My husband has a sibling that is chronically late and I’m chronically on time.
It was a real sore spot for me. Over the years we just move ahead with what we’re doing or where we’re going and if she catches up to us fine, but no longer accommodating for the irresponsible behavior.” CombinationAny870
2. AITJ For Taking A Nap While Babysitting My Cousin's Child?
“I (23F) just had a pretty bad week which resulted in loss of sleep. My cousin (36F) and her husband (39M) as well as their daughter (5F) are visiting our family and staying at our house.
My cousin has been living in the US for over 11 years and a few reasons, it’s been quite a few years since she last visited. My cousin misses our country quite a lot and is determined to make the most of their time here.
We have been going out together quite a lot the last 4 days, and my cousin’s joy has unfortunately suffered a bit because of her daughter. The kid is not bad by any means, but she is in a strange place with strange people so she is a bit clingy.
Today, my cousin wants to go out to shop for some clothes and I offered to look after her kid so she can go out with her husband and get some alone time. Her husband was a bit concerned before they went out, which is fair, he didn’t know me well at all.
My cousin convinced him and they left me in charge of the girl.
I have experience dealing with children, so I am not too concerned. We watched a movie, I made her lunch and she enjoyed playing the board game I taught her.
Unfortunately, I usually take a nap at noon, as most people in my country do, and I was already running low on sleep this week so I handed the kid some toddler markers (the erasable ones) and let her draw on my face and arms and legs.
I told her as long as she didn’t draw on my clothes, she was fine.
The kid loves it. So while I took a nap, she drew on my skin, if she stopped, I opened my eyes to check.
It’s not like I got a deep sleep, just a nap that allowed me some energy to not crash during the evening. Everything was good until my cousin and her husband came home. I heard they opened the gate but didn’t come out.
Shortly after, my cousin’s husband barged in, literally shoved the door open and everything, and saw me half asleep with the girl drawing a princess on my leg.
He proceeded to yell at me and accused me of being irresponsible.
He said they shouldn’t have trusted me with the little girl. I tried to explain but he didn’t budge. My cousin is firmly on the stance that he was being ridiculous but then he accused both of us as jerks.
My cousin for not siding with him, and me over being careless with the kid.
AITJ? My parents are saying that I should’ve stayed awake anyway because kids that age are fast. But my dad was literally in the room beside us and he would have noticed if she even opened the door.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You weren’t the only adult ‘present’. This is a 5yo, not a baby, so there’s no need to hover over them every second. Plenty of parents set their child up with some toys to play with independently (or the TV) and go about doing their chores, moving throughout the house, and monitoring the child here and there as they work (which is exactly the pattern your Dad was doing!!).
You napping lightly while the child was right there, and your dad was nearby is NO different. – It may not be what your cousin’s husband expected – so I can see why he might’ve been upset – but since there was no actual clarification of what they ‘required’ from a babysitter beforehand, then you didn’t break any ‘rules’ and he took his upset too far.” TrainingDearest
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Yes, you offered to babysit, and typically that meant staying awake, however, you arranged it so that you would notice if something was wrong and you didn’t sleep. Parents do this type of thing all the time.
Also, there was another adult in the room, even if that adult wasn’t the one assigned child care, it was another set of eyes. You heard the gate, so you were aware of the surrounding noises. I’ll probably get downvoted for this stance, but yeah NTJ.
Especially since your cousin, the child’s mother isn’t concerned.” aretmis_Smoke2144
Another User Comments:
“The people without kids commenting on here are hilarious. Parents already know that sometimes you just have to rest. We have all tucked our kids in beside us or laid on the floor with them at least once to try and get some much-needed rest while they played. I do feel that ESH is the right answer because there are so many ways this could have been handled better by everyone.” User
1. AITJ For Asking My Sick, Live-In Mom To Contribute Financially?
“My mom is 68 years old and recently learned that her husband was having an affair.
We invited her to come live with my family after she left my dad about 3 months ago. They are currently in the process of getting a divorce and she has access to 6 figures in her bank account. My mom has recently been diagnosed with cancer and is about to finish her radiation treatments and then move into having chemo infusions for 3 months.
She is also almost completely disabled and uses a walker to get around, but she struggles with the radiation treatments, even more so than normal due to the extra tiredness. My mom also doesn’t have any income other than social security every month of about $650.
My family consists of my husband and I and our 5 children all 12 and under. We homeschool and I am a stay-at-home mom and my husband is the breadwinner of our family. We get by but with the cost of living going up the way that it is, money is tight.
I have been stretched to my limit when it comes to my normal responsibilities of raising my kids as well as homeschooling them in addition to all of the care that I have been providing my mom. I feel that my mom should be contributing to the added financial strain of her being here so my husband and I sought out the advice of a social media group of people with live-in parents, as well as some close friends of ours that have been in this similar situation.
After hearing what they had to say, we came up with $1500 a month and believe that is a more than generous amount because the cheapest assisted living facility where we live (Mississippi) charges about $4500 a month. We are providing the same care that an assisted living facility would offer.
When we spoke to her about this, she was in shock that we would dare ask for that much a month. She asked what it costs us each month out of pocket due to her being with us and said that she would gladly pay that amount.
We told her that it’s not just about what it costs us but the value of all the care that we have been providing for free. We explained that anytime I have to take care of her, it’s taking away from my being able to take care of my kids and our house.
I explained how the extra money on top of the actual expenses (which are probably in the neighborhood of 400-500 a month between food and utilities) of her living there would go toward hiring a maid to help clean the house and possibly a tutor for my kids to help with their education to free up time to provide the care that my mom needs.
She remained in disbelief that we wanted to charge her such an “unreasonable” amount given all of her current circumstances with her divorce and cancer. I could understand where she was coming from if she didn’t have close to $200,000 sitting in the bank.”
Another User Comments:
“Honestly I’ll get mass downvoted for this, but it doesn’t matter: So here’s the thing, 200,000$ in the bank isn’t a small number, but you can ask for financial support, not rent. Understandably, your money is tight and all, but I can’t imagine having a mom with cancer, near disabled and dying, and going up to her like “Mom, give me rent”.
Forget the money, I would take care of her to the best of my ability. I think you took it too far. If you want financial aid during tough times, just go ahead and ask her. She’s your mom, it’s going to be awkward but she will understand.
Charging her rent is just too far, you should respect the fact that she probably spent well over a million dollars in her lifetime to raise you, now pay her back in some way, not charge her more.
Now here’s what to do to make things right: she’s not happy, so go and tell her that you asked for financial aid indirectly, and not rent. Overall: YTJ.” Horror-Comparison917
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. There’s a difference between her covering the added living expenses that she’s causing you and you making a profit off of your mother.
Whatever she has in the bank or coming in financially – is none of your business, and has nothing to do with this matter. You invited her to live with you – so you should’ve had this conversation at that time – because now you’ve got her trapped, physically exhausted, and probably mentally low too, and you’re hitting her up for money – not to just cover her expenses, but to make a profit.
It sounds like you’re headed for a solid case of elder mistreatment. That bank account that you’re coveting, is her only money other than the measly $650 soc. sec she gets, so you plan to drain away her savings to pay for your children’s education?
Money that she needs, because $650/mo isn’t going to go very far, and at 68yo she has a lot of time left on this earth that she will use that savings to cover her needs.” TrainingDearest
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You are asking for more than double what she brings in based on what your friends are charging. ?? What is your actual mortgage or rent. ? My guess, is you want her to cover more than half of it.
What costs have increased since she moved in? Not the mortgage /rent. Probably food, a slight increase in utilities, and any costs you incur getting her to the doctor. Not $1500! Sorry but you are YTJ – it is one thing to have her contribute but you are trying to profit off her being her..” annon2022mous
