People Want Us To Debate About Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Canceling My Husband's Surprise?
“While my husband is off on leave, I wanted to surprise him and give him a day to golf. His dad also likes to golf, and they haven’t had much one-on-one time, so I told his dad I wanted to surprise my husband and asked his dad if/when he would be available within specific time parameters (so my husband would be home by his regular time) and I offered to make the reservations and pay for everything.
His dad then went and made reservations that weren’t within the timeframe, so I clarified and offered to make the reservation. He then informed me that he invited my husband’s brother along. AITJ for canceling?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You tried to arrange some one-on-one time between your husband and your FIL, which he decided to schedule at the convenience of someone else.
Is this common with your FIL; do you feel he prioritizes or favors your BIL?” kol_al
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here if he’s now paying for it. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to spend as much time as you can with your husband while he’s home, so the timeframe thing is fine.
But if your husband is fine going at that time with his dad and brother, I think that is okay too. The dad wasn’t necessarily trying to be a jerk to you, just maybe didn’t understand the reasoning for your timelines.” Lesmiserablemuffins
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If he wants to do it his way and within his time frame then he can pay for it all. It’s rubbish he has taken over your gift idea and ruined this experience for you and maybe for his son.” braw_mince
20. AITJ For Refusing To Babysit An Awful Person's Baby?
“I (20, fem) was adopted when I was 16 by my half-brother and his wife who were in their late 30s at the time.
They already had 6 children when they adopted me, but it was never an issue. They have treated me like their own kid since they met me and later adopted me, and so did all their other kids.
Except for one, their golden child who is only 4 months older than me.
We will call him Chad.
Chad has always been an insensitive jerk to literally everyone, including our other siblings. He would literally fist-fight our older sister, say horrible and mean things to everyone and get away with it. He also had extreme anger issues that would cause broken doors, holes in walls, etc. He also got to do everything my sister and I were never able to do, got a free car, go out at night, etc.
When we were still in school together during high school, he got up in front of our whole class year and told everyone I wasn’t his sister and never would be. He then told me in front of his friends that I would never be a part of his family and I should just get over it and walked off.
This was not a one-and-done thing, he would keep doing this up until he moved out and I stopped seeing/talking to him.
Golden boy once again got the limelight of the family after he got married right after high school, moved out to his wife’s family’s house, and then had a baby, the first grandbaby.
Since this has happened I have stayed as far away from him as possible, only seeing him for family pictures every year because our mother asks. Recently I decided to come forward to our mom about what he said and did because she was upset about how I was ‘distancing’ myself from him.
She basically pulled the ‘that’s still my kid and it’s my first grandbaby’ card as the reason she wasn’t going to be upset over it. I didn’t really care, to be honest, I knew it wasn’t going to change her mind about her kid anyway.
Out of nowhere, I got a message begging me to come to babysit for them because ‘you’re the only one who can deal with these kinds of babies because no one will help.’ Apparently, they are weaning their kid off of breastfeeding and the baby is extremely clingy because of that, and the fact that the mom is a germophobe who has basically isolated this kid since birth, it literally has only been held by like 6 people since it’s been born.
They know I don’t sleep for the most part because I’m an insomniac with ADHD, and I also am not bothered by crying. For some reason, I can sit for hours with the baby crying and it doesn’t bother me, can’t tell if that’s a blessing or a curse at this point.
My sister is mad at me because apparently they haven’t asked anyone else in the family for help but me, and everyone wants to go see this baby.
Am I the jerk for not wanting to be around or take care of the baby because its father said that I’m not a part of his family?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am curious to know when your Not-Brother stopped punching holes in walls, what sort of treatment he received for his mood disorder/inability to control himself and exactly how often you were left with screaming infants to the point that you are well known for being able to deal with screaming infants.
I’m really confused about your adopted parents/brother and SIL being allowed to adopt if your brother is older than you, you were 16 when you moved in and he was presumably still having violent abusive fits destroying property and viewed as so incapable of controlling himself at that age.
If you saw them plus saw he got given a car, unlike the other young people your parents cared for. That is not a safe home for children and young people who need care.
Did you provide much care for the other children in the home?
Did you ever have to provide care to the other children your parents adopted? Or was the skill with screaming babies something that became apparent after you moved out as an adult?” HannahAnthonia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and the people saying that she should need to stop.
She shouldn’t have to do anything for Chad. He was handed everything his entire life, if she gives in to him now he won’t learn anything. He’ll keep that same attitude and keep treating people like dirt because he can and still get what he wants.
OP, stand your ground. Don’t think you have to do anything you don’t want to for ANYONE, least of all someone who humiliated and degraded you multiple times.” 3000throwawayacc
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you don’t owe your brother anything. The comment someone made about your dad’s brother adopting you and not just keeping you as an aunt, but insisting you were a sister could have alleviated some of this mess, but let’s be real. They spoiled their son and you being brought in at such a big age and such an odd time, and being the ‘sister’ didn’t help his brattiness at all.
Could using the proper titles have made things better, maybe, but also probably not, he was that old and already like that.
He’s right, you aren’t his sister, you’re his aunt, but either way, he disowned you from being family, period. If you’re a stranger like he says, no, you don’t watch his kid especially if he didn’t ask anyone else.
If sister niece wants to watch the baby, she should go offer her services instead of being mad at you.” User
19. AITJ For Making Fun Of My Brother-In-Law?
“I (23F) am openly homosexual.
I know my brother-in-law is a little prejudiced, but he never treated me badly.
Me, my partner, my sister, and BIL were at the same friend’s barbecue. We were sitting on beanbags scattered around the garden and making small talk.
And we were having a fun conversation about how we (my friends, me, and my partner) came out of the closet and the situations we go through with straight people, everyone laughing and making sarcastic or ironic comments.
My BIL, who was also laughing, said at one point ‘that’s why I don’t touch gay people, to prevent others from thinking I am too and not to give the idea that I’m interested’.
The mood got weird, but I assumed it was ironic for the context and said ‘true, huh, baby (looking at my partner) you touched me and I turned gay.’
Everyone laughed and we started talking again, but I saw that BIL got up and went somewhere, and my sister followed him.
They never came back and I got a message from my sister saying that my BIL was not so good and for me to apologize to our friends.
When I asked if there was a reason beyond that, she replied with ‘you know what you did’.
And that’s it. The next day, my sister came to my house and said that I was extremely needless to make fun of her husband and that he was extremely disconcerted by my comment. And demanded that I apologize to him personally.
I don’t think I should apologize, especially for the comment he said, the context, and the amount of LGBT people in the place.
But I come to ask.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“God, no. You didn’t even start the joke.
Everyone else but him somehow was able to take the high road when he said his (unfunny) joke, but then you did a legit funny act and it wasn’t even a comment directed at him.
How sensitive is he? Does he clutch his manly heterosexual pearls whenever he hears the word ‘gay’? Judging by your post I wouldn’t be surprised if he did.
You’re NTJ because your comment was not directed at him in any way, turned the conversation away from the weird tone that HE set, and your sister is a doormat or otherwise accommodating of his prejudices, neither of which are great for her.
Do NOT apologize since you did nothing wrong.” scr33nplaythrowaway
Another User Comments:
“If all it would take for your BIL to be gay is to touch a gay man then… well he might not be fully straight.
Also, he should be thanking you. He made a super trashy comment that you made look like a joke by making your own joke.
You helped him not look like a total homophobe in front of a bunch of random people. NTJ. Never apologize, get a gay friend to touch him and see what happens. Not seriously but how funny would that be?” BaoBunny44
18. AITJ For Being Distant From My Future In-Laws?
“My fiancé (23M) and I (23F) are newly engaged and have been together 5 years.
I live in the basement apartment of his parents’ house temporarily. We returned home the day after we got engaged as that night we spent out at a hotel. We were greeted by my fiancé’s grandmother. My future SIL and MIL were also there.
His grandmother was very excited, she asked to see my ring, asked me about the proposal, and was overall very nice. My SIL didn’t as much as meet my gaze. She turned her face away from me in the direction of my MIL and said ‘Yeah, I’ve already seen the ring.
I guilted (fiancé’s name) into showing me months ago.’ That was all she said on the matter.
My SIL has been very distant and cold to me throughout our relationship. She doesn’t speak to me on outings. She doesn’t address me and hardly ever says ‘thank you’ if I give her a gift. We actually work together in healthcare.
She does not speak to me at work, and if I’m in a group with fellow coworkers, she will have conversations around me, not with me. If I’m having a conversation with a group she simply does not engage or has a separate conversation with someone else.
His mother is similar in that she speaks to me through my fiancé, not directly to me. She reaches out to him via social media and text to check in on me, but again no direct communication. The only time she has entered my space downstairs is when I am not home or when she believed I was not home.
It feels avoidant, but my fiancé doesn’t agree.
My SIL recently confronted me about ‘talking about her’ at work. She pulled me into a closet and said I spoke badly about her being off sick and that she heard me behind the nursing station.
I was dumbfounded. The only thing I said about anyone being sick was explaining how they pay out time off. People were confused when I came to being sick and how we were being compensated for being off. My mom works in payroll, so it’s not uncommon for people to ask me these questions.
She was very pointed insisting this wasn’t the first instance of me talking about her at work and that I should stop. She stated, ‘don’t talk about my stuff and I won’t talk about yours’. In all honesty, I have confessed to coworkers I have found her unkind.
I expressed that I was unsure why she didn’t appear to like me that much and that I’d otherwise like to be friends, who go for coffee and lunch together on breaks. I don’t feel this way anymore. I just wish to be clear of the drama.
I’ve since taken a different job. I’ve been avoiding all family outings as I get major anxiety thinking about being around my future SIL. I feel this avoidance will affect my relationship with my Fiancé. He understands the frustration I’ve been having however, hasn’t had words with his family about some of their behavior.
He thinks I need to get over it, and just not let it bother me. The question is AITJ? Am I causing unnecessary grief for my fiancé by remaining distant from my future in-laws?”
Another User Comments:
“You are definitely NTJ. Your fiancé’s family feels like one with terrible communication skills and that they obviously don’t care for you.
No, you don’t have to force yourself to be around them but are you willing to avoid them indefinitely? I would absolutely speak to them directly and in private.
Clear the air, I don’t care to talk about you so let’s get that off the table and secondly, I’m a grown woman who deserves to be spoken to like one, if you care to have friendly relations with me you need to be friendly.
The larger issue here is your fiancé. You and he are a team, team us, and he needs to be a team player. He needs to back you, validate you, and stand up for you. He should not be oblivious to their trashy behavior and he should call them out on their blatant disrespect.
It’s hard to believe he will ever be your defender if he can’t be now.” BeenThere_DontDoThat
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You really should not have been gossiping about your sister-in-law at work. You’re trying to seem innocent but told people she was unkind and whined about why she doesn’t like you.
That’s talking about her behind her back. Who knows what else you really said? Well, word got back to her. Co-workers talk. That’s unprofessional and when it comes to a family you’re marrying into, it’s disloyal. I see why she ignores you.
At this point, the man really should find a person who gets along with his family.
But that might be too late. The least you can do is try to be a good house guest from here on out.” RandChick
Another User Comments:
“You don’t really have to adore his family or vice versa. Of course, it’s great when you do but all that is strictly required is polite civility at family functions.
SIL definitely has some bones to pick with you. Don’t know if it’s work-related or not, and she’ll probably never talk it out with you like a grownup. If at all possible, I’d try to transfer elsewhere at the hospital or maybe to a different employer.
No, it’s not fair to you, but she’s unlikely to get any friendlier.
For what it’s worth, cornering you in a closet is unprofessional at best and kinda hostile, realistically. I once lived with a guy whose mother and sister were always catty to me for reasons I couldn’t fathom.
It was only after we broke up (unrelated to them) that I realized they were probably being catty because my partner would play the victim to them if I made demands or criticisms. NTJ.” MiasmAgain
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! First off sorry you are dealing with this, I know sometimes in life you just want to get along with someone and it’s just off.
Especially regarding the nature of these relationships.
Hear me out.. With your MIL now that you are engaged maybe invite her out on a 1:1.. I know with the older generation they will never come to you, you have to go to them kinda thing. Not to say you have to kiss her butt but maybe try that approach if you want to strengthen your relationship.
I would also add if you plan on having children it’s important to establish those boundaries now since children really do change everything and grandparents/siblings have their own expectations of what you do with your kid. You need to set those boundaries regardless of having kids or not.
You are a fiancée now and will be his wife and a part of the family, your voice matters.
As far as your SIL is concerned she seems like a very unpredictable type of personality. If you have a conversation (about what she confronted you about) with her I’d suggest having your partner with you, I just get the vibe that she would twist your words if someone else wasn’t a witness.
The last thing I’ll say is you can only do so much and sometimes it’s unfortunate when others don’t want to ‘fix things and move on.’ If it comes to that I would suggest to keep trekking on and keep being cordial, don’t stoop to her level.
What I’ve learned in life is some people aren’t truly worth the worry because clearly, their actions tell me they don’t care about me or my feelings.” blackclothing90
17. AITJ For Encouraging My Nephew To Get A Tattoo?
“My sister is vehemently against tattoos, to the point I have to wear skin tone sleeves at family events so I can see her kids. My nephew has always been enthralled by my tattoos and now he’s 15 and wants to get tattooed as soon as possible by his friend.
I told him not to and gave him all the advice I wish I had when I started my tattoo journey. (hang a drawing of your tattoo where you’ll see it every day, start off small to see how you even like it, vet your artist for safety and quality, etc).
We drew up a sketch of his first tattoo, and I told him if he still wants it when he turns 18 I’ll pay for it.
His mom found out and now she won’t speak to me because it isn’t my job to instill values in her children, and they should be talking to her about these things.
I don’t think it’s that big of a deal, but maybe I’m too lax. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Oh my, his mom’s going to drive him straight to a scratcher with that fearful, controlling attitude.
It makes no sense to ask you to cover up unless they have reared this child in a box.
I know people were still objecting ten years back, but we have now arrived at a place where high school teachers are tattooed and unashamed. It’s become No Big Deal in most places, or at least in bigger places, for sure.
You gave him really good advice.
It was downright wholesome and sensible. As for your sister, what a trivial ditch to die in.” Professional_Ad9013
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You kept him from getting a bad tattoo. Try speaking frankly with your sister. She doesn’t even know her own son, that he wants a bad tattoo now, and that he’ll get a tattoo eventually.
Maybe if she stopped being so oppositional he wouldn’t do things behind her back.” Responsible_Point_91
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you didn’t convince your nephew to get tattooed.
You talked him out of an amateur stick and poke tattoo at 15 which could end up infected and to wait until he was old enough to go to a reputable place with sterile instruments if he still feels like he wants a tattoo in a few years’ time.” airazaneo
I bet it will be one awesome tattoo when he's eighteen.
16. AITJ For Getting Upset At The Voicemail My Ex's Mom Left Me?
“I (19f) and my ex (19m) have been off and on for the past 4 years.
Last Sunday I made a post asking a subreddit for comfort episodes of a cartoon that he and I used to watch. He saw that and he texted me cursing me out. I called him and he was yelling and saying mean things. I was with my brother and uncle in the car and so they all heard him talk to me like this.
At first, I was calm but I’m not going to lie, the more he was telling me to shut up when I tried to talk, the more I started raising my voice. I started crying and so he started calling me a crybaby and telling me that I need to be institutionalized because I’m crazy.
Both my brother and uncle heard this so they started yelling at the phone and started saying some really mean things to him and telling him that they would fight him.
I was trying to calm them all down because that isn’t at all what I wanted, but then my ex involved his parents.
His mom never liked me and so when I heard her say through the phone that she wanted to speak to me I said ‘I don’t want to talk to your mother’ and hung up. He called again and I answered in which he was just yelling at me so I was just listening but then I heard him tell his mother that he was going to pass the phone to her soon.
I again said I didn’t want to hear anything from his mother and hung up.
He called three more times which I rejected but she left a voicemail. In the voicemail, she warned me that if anything happened to her son that she would direct the cops to my house.
I wasn’t upset about that because I get it, it’s his mom. What upset me was that she said ‘you live your life happy, I wish well for you, we wish well for you. Just leave ___ alone. He’s been there done that and he’s done.
And you missed out on a really good person because he really loved you. And you’re probably never going to find anyone who loves you like he did. So move on because he has. Take your loss that didn’t have to be a loss and move on.’
I then texted him saying I can’t believe he stood there while his mom was saying these mean things and thought it was okay meanwhile I was defending him from my family when he was cursing me out and insulting me. I am not saying that I didn’t do anything wrong because I know I did.
I think we were both very toxic together and therefore it was never going to work but it just hurt that he would allow his mom to tell me I will never find someone who will love me more than he did when he got upset with me when a couple of days before this incident he told me that he was going to do whatever it took to win me back and I told him that we both deserved better.
When I confronted him he told me I was a ‘liar’ because he doesn’t think his mom said anything wrong. I then told him that he and his mother need to grow up, and then blocked him. I don’t know if I’m the jerk for my actions.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re letting these toxic jerks live rent-free in your brain. It is long past the time to evict them completely. Permanently block their phone numbers and delete any of their nuclear waste-contaminated voice mail without listening to them. Do not talk, text, respond to comments they post, or any of the other ways they try to inject their poison into your life.
You’re a tiny bit of a jerk for letting the harassment continue, but that is far outweighed by the Jerker-than-Thou Mother-Son tag team of Mommy Dearest and Oedipal Ex.
This will all blow over before you know it if you banish them to Greater Jerklandia.
NTJ.” vortexofchaos
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s the one who isn’t moving on since he’s the one who called you and stirred everything up. His mom should have stayed out of it. Block them all and move on. Nothing good can come from further contact.” miyuki_m
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I’d call him asking him to put me on speakerphone. I’d inform mom just because she didn’t know how to raise a man doesn’t make you responsible for his mouth. I’d tell them if she didn’t want something to happen to him she should’ve taught him what a busted mouth for talking to a woman is.
That if he mouths off to someone else they will do what she didn’t and the next time he tries to run his mouth you won’t stop anyone and her empty threats will show the police that she knows he’s a troublemaker who wanted to get harmed. Then I’d tell them both if either contacts me it’s harassment and you will let the cops deal with them.” ygracie
15. AITJ For Revealing My Mom's Secret To My Grandma?
“Dad and mom separated when I was 4 and my mom moved my brother and me in with her mom. Ever since I can remember, I have been told things about my dad and his side of the family (they tried to get rid of us for life insurance funds, every gift they give us is to ‘buy’ our love, and my dad had his old friend stalking us and telling our father our every move, etc.).
I stopped talking with my dad due to this. My brother was older than me and had really good memories with my dad so he kept in contact. After a few years, we moved into our own home but my brother and I spent a lot of time over at my grandmother’s still until we could stay home alone.
My stepfather was introduced to us soon after. He would blame my brother and me for drinking all of the milk (if my mom didn’t have milk for her morning tea she would yell at us). If my stepfather knew something bothered us he would make fun of us about it constantly.
My stepfather has a bad habit that, if something goes wrong, he blames it on my brother and me instead of taking the blame, and, until it is proven otherwise, we have to live with the blame and just accept it.
Last year, my stepfather accused me of stealing substances from him and my mother (legal here).
I live two hours away and had only come down for an appointment and went back home. He told me that mom was changing the locks and I will no longer have access to the house and blocked further communication. I tried calling but was essentially ignored, except for one call I had with my mom where she asked if I did it and didn’t seem very trusting when I said I had not.
My mom basically said, ‘if you didn’t do it, it will eventually come out so don’t worry’.
My brother flew down for a visit with his fiancé. My brother contacted my grandmother and the conversation devolved into her telling him about how both he and I are horrible to our mother while repeating some of the things I had told my mother in confidence, plus some things that I said during our recent fights without the full context.
I called my grandmother and asked what she was doing. She starts going off on me so I said, ‘you do not know anything about the situation; you know mom’s side’ and she tried to say that mom told her everything. So I just pointed out ‘fine, you know everything?
The whole fight between my mom and me began because my stepfather accused me of stealing from them.’ My grandmother is really against smoking and doesn’t know that my mom smokes every day. She tried to just say ‘no, she would never do that, I know my daughter’ and I basically said ‘you actually don’t know, so just stop with this choosing sides bull when you don’t have the full story’ and hung up.
So now I am waiting for the blowback because I know it’s going to be chaotic for telling my mom’s big secret to her mother. AITJ for telling my mom’s secret?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your mom and stepfather are incredibly toxic so I would cut contact with them.
But I empathize because it’s a lot easier for me to just say that while you actually have to do it. They refuse to grow up and play mind games with you for their irresponsible behavior and it’s ridiculously unfair to you.
Maybe don’t even wait for the fallout and get ahead of it by either blocking your mom or just muting the convo.
You can set a boundary right away and say you won’t entertain this argument and are sick of their behavior. You can say they have to admit they smoke and you won’t be their scapegoat to your grandma.” mrose1491
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Go full NC on mother, grandmother, and stepfather. Get therapy for the things you suffered growing up. When you’re ready, reach out to your dad to reestablish a relationship and clear the air.” Traditional_Curve401
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but really, you all suck a bit.
For Pete’s sake, why are you engaging in this nonsense? What can actually happen? Why do you care what your brother believes, what your grandmother believes, and what your mom believes/says/does? Don’t you want to spend your energy on something more constructive at this point?
I had to go back and re-read your ages because I honestly thought you and your bro were minors because this is weird. You guys are adults, what is all this he-said-she-said, this one is lying, that one smokes, so-and-so says you stole… it’s just toxic.
I’d consider giving these people an extremely wide swerve for the foreseeable future. What on Earth are they adding to your life?” lickykicky
14. WIBTJ If I Tell My Brother He Has Autism?
“My mom (50 f) recently confided in me (21 f) about something that she hasn’t told a single soul for over 17 years. She told me that my younger brother is on the spectrum, but on the high-functioning side like my uncle who she never mentioned was also on the spectrum until now.
I asked my mom if she ever planned to tell my brother and she explained why she wouldn’t. She basically said, ‘imagine having a cleft lip and growing up feeling like a freak and then being told you have autism… that would then just be another thing wrong with him.’ I told her he will still be able to live a normal life and succeed in his career path, and he would then be able to take advantage of resources he never knew were available to him, including the therapy recommended for him.
I also mentioned to her that she has seen how far my uncle has gotten as well, obtaining multiple degrees, having a successful career, and even having his own family.
The main reason I am concerned is that he is living away from home on his college campus and has put himself in life-threatening physical danger multiple times in less than a year, and when talking to him about it, it seems like he doesn’t fully understand the consequences of his own actions.
So am I the jerk for wanting to look out for him?
Update: I arranged to tell him with my mom over the summer after his finals were over, but as it turns out, he had a massive meltdown that consisted in yelling at a family member about how much he hates them, so my mom told him without me because she was worried about him at that moment.
She also broke the news that she has autism as well. He texted me soon after letting me know, and I called him to see if he was doing okay, and it seems he took the news well and was understanding about why he was never told and had already connected a few dots, suspecting he could be on the spectrum.
I also sent him a list of resources and contacts he could use while living away from home, just in case he felt he needed them.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and all your arguments for telling him are valid and recent experience is telling you it’s a critical necessity.
But it’s likely to do damage to your relationship with your Mom, and as another poster said it takes some getting your head around as a person who lives with autism, so I’d be mindful of the initial fallout on both sides. Plus if you give your brother the info, you can’t just drop and run; your brother may need your support to get the ball rolling on accessing support and therapy where he’s located, or at home if he’s heading home for summer.” Trifecta_life
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are smart to consider the resources that would be available to your brother on a college campus. There are even support groups. He’s obviously high functioning. As someone who is not neurotypical, it was a huge relief to have someone say, ‘What we see in your brain is not what is happening in most people’s brains.
Here are some management techniques.’
I don’t know if your mom would be open to you discussing this with her. I understand her hesitation to tell him. There was once a time an autism diagnosis meant limited potential. We understand the brain better now.
Depending on how big his university is, he might even be eligible for study on it. I am part of a neurology study at UVA. It’s been fascinating. My son taught fencing to kids on the autism spectrum. I would hire any one of them.
Not a single one was conniving or scheming or prone to gossip. They were all great. Being on the spectrum is no longer the source of shame it once was.” AngryWriterGrr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Please tell him. Might that information be difficult and upsetting to process at first?
Yes. But he’s an adult, and he’s autistic whether he knows it or not. If he’s in college, there are probably disability services he’s entitled to. If he’s regularly putting himself in life-threatening danger, he REALLY needs counseling. Odds are good he’s struggling, and has been for a while, not even knowing there’s a reason why certain things are harder for him than his peers.
I’m sure it will be very difficult for him to handle the emotional implications of your mother hiding this information from him, especially the way she thinks he can’t handle it or that it’s ‘something else wrong with him’. I hope you can both find a way to give your brother this information and support him through whatever he’s currently struggling with, in addition to any upset this whole mess may cause him.” VeritatemQuarens
13. AITJ For Cutting Ties With Someone Over A Few Dollars?
“My friend begged me to loan her 12 bucks last December, saying she’d give it back.
And I mean she was absolutely pleading for it. This April I asked for it back and didn’t get a reply. I double-texted her 3 days later, no reply despite her posting her life all over social media. Went past her address (she lives with her family) and her mom opened the door, so I explained the situation and mom said she’d talk to her daughter who wasn’t home at the time.
She was completely understanding saying ‘it’s all about principles’ and by the looks of it, this wasn’t uncommon for her daughter.
She texted me ‘sorry I was sick and forgot to reply, you’ll get it at the end of the week’ which is kinda weird given that all her social media stories that week were her on the beach, etc.
Met her mom while walking my dog a week later. She asked me if I got my money back, I said no, so she had another talk with her daughter and after that I received it.
I have a low tolerance for people who show red flags or even signs of having them ever since I got out of a really abusive relationship so I’m not sure if I’m overreacting by not wanting this woman in my life anymore.
Before this, she’s also stood me up twice when we were supposed to hang out.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – not only did she avoid paying you back for as long as she could get away with it, but she also apparently made up verifiable lies as an excuse.
I’d say cutting her out of your life is not just about the money, but about her clear lack of respect for you. You’re better off with her out of your life.” O***************e
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I’ll also say my friend group doesn’t mind ‘loaning’ each other $20 and down (by loan we basically give).
A couple of bucks seems like an extreme reason to drop a friend, but I respect your principles.” Farwalker08
If a friend asks you for 20, then give it, not *loan it*. IF on the odd chance they give it back,you're ahead ____ if not,then you haven't lost a friend over 20.
....but after all, you're ntj . .consider it a lesson learned
12. AITJ For Forgetting To Bring My Dance Costume?
“I (16F) am in a dance group with around 15-16-year-olds. We had a competition and our outfit consists of black sweatpants, a long sleeve white crew neck top, and a gray vest. I forgot to bring the gray vest. However, we ended up simply not wearing the vest because it would be noticeable that I forgot it.
I was very upset that I forgot it and a lot of people were mad at me. So, I decided to collect my thoughts by watching the performances because nobody would talk to me. I return about 15 minutes before we’re supposed to go on and they tell me that we are about to go on.
This one girl tells me ‘how hard is it for you to stay in one place?’ I said nothing but I’m pretty sure a lot of people in my dance class hate me now.
Edit: They also asked me if I could go back home and get it, however, I couldn’t because it took an hour to get back from there to my house and we were on in an hour.
So, there was nothing that I could possibly do.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Dance crews are a great way to learn resilience and responsibility. People make mistakes, that’s ok, but you don’t walk away from your crew just before you’re about to perform. You’re a team, how are you supposed to perform when the team has been disjointed just before performing?
They had no idea if you were coming back and that stress would have shown up on stage, I can promise you that. Learn from it, apologize and learn from this for next time.” Justcallmeaunty
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, it’s your responsibility to remember to bring the proper uniform/costume, and it’s your responsibility to stay near the team so that you’re all in the same place so no one has to worry or go off looking for you.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Stuff happens, but you need to take responsibility when it does, not disappear without telling your team/coach where you would be. That’s not good teamwork.
15 minutes is cutting it close from what I’ve seen of competitions. Granted that’s not much, my kids have done recreational dance not competitive, so we’ve only been on the edges of competitions, but I’ve heard about scheduling changes.
For all your teammates knew you were throwing a fit and not coming back or decided to try to go get the vest and wouldn’t make it back in time.
You should apologize, for the vest if you haven’t already, and for not explaining that you needed a few minutes to get yourself together but would be back well before your performance.” tnscatterbrain
11. AITJ For Wearing A Tux?
“I (nb18) am going to prom with my partner (m18). It’s his senior prom but not mine because I was held back in elementary school. I’m AFAB (assigned female at birth) and I’m not out to my parents and I don’t plan on coming out to them.
I decided not to wear a dress for prom because I am way more comfortable in a tux. My mom said she’s kinda uncomfortable with me wearing it but she supports me. My dad however is not fine with it at all.
Before I even got the tux he strongly inferred to me that I should wear a dress.
I didn’t express my discomfort with it because I didn’t wanna start a big argument so I think he just assumed I was going to wear one. When I came back home after renting one he told me we needed to talk. He kept talking about how I should’ve worn one because it’s not my senior prom.
Even though my partner says he’s fine with it. My dad keeps saying that he’s lying so he won’t upset me. He also called me selfish because I wasn’t thinking about how the photos would turn out. He said I wasn’t thinking about my partner’s parents or anything.
He’s also really mad at me because he said I’m intentionally making a statement and that I know what I’m doing. When I asked him why he couldn’t just be happy for me he said that since I was trying to make a statement this is the type of reaction I should expect.
He made me feel really awful about it. I don’t even wanna go anymore maybe I am the jerk. I don’t know, what do u think?”
Another User Comments:
“Who cares if the guy’s parents like it? You like it, your partner likes it.
That’s all that matters. The photos will be fine (and in like 3 years you won’t even care about them).
Wear the tux. Have a blast.
NTJ
(PS, I don’t know if you lean more towards ‘feminine’ styles, ‘masculine’ or androgynous, but tuxes come in so many styles, you could have so much fun with this)” Malibu921
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m gonna be frank. I don’t see how this is any of your dad’s business at all. If you are not comfortable wearing a dress then you shouldn’t. Your partner literally has no problem with it. The ‘think of his parents’ argument is ridiculous.
Just because they won’t get a picture of one person in a dress and one in a tux? I mean I don’t know where you’re from (I’m guessing the US?) but isn’t it common for multiple guys to go together as friends?
Because that would also mean photos with no dresses. I don’t know, I just think he’s being ridiculous because it doesn’t seem like a big deal to me.” friesinthemicrowave
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is nobody’s business but you and your partner’s. Tuxes aren’t even necessarily a manly thing.
I’ve seen women wear them and I think it looks great. (Ariana Grande, Eve on Last Man Standing, Kristen Stewart.)” opinionated_alien05
10. AITJ For Not Consoling My Sister-In-Law After She Lost Her Baby?
“My sister-in-law (27) announced to me that she was pregnant. She had not yet told my brother (26), but I was supportive and excited. My sister-in-law and I were super close and I told her that she needed to tell my brother as soon as possible.
The next morning she told my brother and he said extremely hurtful things to her, about how they weren’t in a position to have a kid, and ruining their relationship, etc. She reached out to my family for help and we supported and helped her as much as we could.
I opened my house to her and she stayed at my house a ton the rest of the weekend.
Days later, she and my brother talked and tried to fix things. I eventually ended up talking with my brother, I mentioned something about how my sister-in-law was not on birth control.
Come to find out, he was not aware that she got off of her birth control.
This opened a whole other argument, I was not aware that he did not know that she was not on birth control. He proceeded to call her, then she called me.
She didn’t blame me at all and owned up to this as her fault completely. At this point, I felt as if I ruined their marriage.
I didn’t hear much from her after that, probably for a week or so. I thought about the situation more and got angrier that she had not disclosed to my brother that she had gotten off of her birth control.
She told my parents and brother that she forgot to tell him and didn’t think anything would happen. I do believe that she did not intend for this to happen, she’s just a little dumb. I had talked to my brother and they had a sonogram coming up that week.
After their sonogram, my sister-in-law proceeded to text me along with her close friends that she got a D&C (dilation and curettage procedure) due to the baby measuring 3 weeks behind and having an absent heartbeat. I didn’t know what to say, not only because I was upset with her prior, but also because I felt bad for her.
She asked me to come over the other night so I went. We talked and she said she wanted to talk with me because she was angry that none of my family reached out to her. I told her that I was not ready to talk as I was still upset with her and that I was sorry if it hurt her, but that I didn’t even know what to say.
By the end of the conversation, she seemed still angry and is not being nice at all. It felt as though she disregarded everything I did for her before she happened to not give the whole story.
AITJ for not reaching out after her miscarriage even though I apologized and we talked?
Edit: I did apologize for not reaching out to her, yet she was still being rude to me. I thought we cleared things up, so I guess what I’m asking is, is there anything else that I can do? I don’t think it’s fair that, in her eyes, her mistakes are so easily forgiven yet mine seem to be held against me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, reproductive coercion/fraud would put me firmly on the side of not wanting anything to do with her drama at all. This wasn’t a ‘whoops, bad things happen’, it was grossness on her part. You already apologized for not reaching out, you don’t owe her anything else.
And considering her overall lack of either character or sense, distance is probably a healthy thing. And please advise your brother to stop sticking his unprotected self in crazy.” eatthebunnytoo
Another User Comments:
“I’m going with ‘everyone sucks here’.
The birth control thing had nothing to do with you.
It was scummy but that’s between them. So you could have extended some condolences and kept your upset in the back of your mind for a little bit.
Your brother super lost it and has no excuse. I get it, he entered a relationship under the pretense of apparently not wanting children.
But his explosive reaction was not okay.
Your SIL did not need his permission to go off birth control but doing that without letting him know was not okay. If she wanted off birth control she needed to let him know so they could discuss their full range of options regarding contraception.
Like getting a vasectomy, tubal ligation, contraceptives, etc, and any other steps they can take now that she’s stopped taking the pill. I don’t believe she just forgot to tell him either. If she suddenly wants kids and he doesn’t (or doesn’t want them RIGHT NOW) then trying to spring them on him is awful.
All around, nobody handled this well.” What_Was_I_doi
Another User Comments:
“This is a complex one, but slightly on the side of YTJ.
Yes, she made a mistake and got pregnant without planning to (a thing one does not have to be dumb to do).
But she is still family and going through one of the most difficult experiences a human can go through. You can do better by putting those feelings of betrayal aside (an issue that should really only be between her and her partner, and not a wider family) and on a human level being there for her.
I understand being upset about the manner within which she became pregnant but isolating her in a moment like this is probably too much.” jtyashiro
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
YOUR BROTHER: He became hostile toward her and incredibly unsupportive to the point where she couldn’t bear to share the same house with him.
If he was that so unprepared financially to have a child, he should have been using his own protection as well, since no birth control is 100%
YOU: Your SIL is a close friend of yours, and even if you felt like she was in the wrong, she still needed your emotional support during her loss.
SIL: I feel for her situation, as I went through an ectopic pregnancy, but I can’t imagine someone forgetting to tell their spouse they’re going off birth control when that was the only measure being taken to avoid pregnancy. You say she’s ‘a little dumb’, so her not thinking she could get pregnant with zero precautions is understandable to you.
But that’s pre-teen-level dumb, not full-blown adult dumb. She should have told her husband she was getting off birth control so he could take precautions.
I’m not sure if she was trying to get pregnant by going off birth control, but she should have known that would drastically up the possibility of pregnancy.
That said, she went through something incredibly traumatic, and as her friend, you should have been there for her. I get being angry at her and feeling used, but she desperately needed her friend, and you weren’t there for her until she asked. You needed time to forgive.
I get that, but that could have been put on the back burner.
Some people will say you stuck your nose where it didn’t belong, and family shouldn’t interfere in issues between spouses, but she did come to stay with you, which did put you in the middle of this.
She asked for your emotional support and asked for a place to stay. She called your whole family.
She’s also your friend, and you do have a right to be mad or disappointed in her, even if she wasn’t married to your brother.
But anger and disappointment can be put on hold unless you don’t want that person in your life anymore.
Emotions are running high for everyone right now. Your brother feels betrayed, your SIL feels abandoned during a time of need, and you feel angry.
Everyone should have been allowed time to repair relationships and allow the bad feelings to settle a bit, but that isn’t always how it works.” Oliviarose85
9. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Best Friend Over Snapchat?
“My friend and I are both (15f) by the way and she is pretty shy. A few minutes ago she texted me and tells me a guy in our year had taken a video of me walking in my village and posted it.
She told me he posted it to Snap maps and how to find it which was fine until when I followed her steps it wasn’t coming up and when I searched his Snapchat name he didn’t come up either. I conceded and he had blocked me and told her that.
But when I asked her to screen record it and send it to me she said no because ‘it would show’ and ‘she didn’t want to look like a stalker’. I was just shocked because this guy literally creepy filmed me and posed it to snap maps according to her and I texted her in all caps ‘HE POSTED A VIDEO OF ME ON SNAPCHAT AND YOU’RE WORRIED YOU’LL LOOK LIKE A STALKER’ because I cannot fathom how she was worried about that or even cared.
She just told me to chill and told me our other friends could see it (which got me madder because she was direct messaging me so she must have told other people first instead of telling me). Before finally telling me she would record our other friends’ phones while they play the video and sent it to me.
But the thing is I’m still mad and asked if she was being dumb, she doesn’t understand why I’m angry.
She then texted saying I was prob going to ignore her for 3 days and that was not fair. She also said: ‘Now are you actually mad at me or are you more stressed about the fact he posted you’.
Because she doesn’t understand why that would make me mad. I told them I would talk to her later, which I’m not sure I will, and she spammed me asking me not to ignore her.
I just feel like she doesn’t have my back the way I would for her and a lot of things she does.
Also for a little more needed context on the guy, he’s one of the popular people in our yr and has a history of teasing random people and her, my best friend thinks he has a crush on her for some reason and mistakes his targeted bullying and teasing as flirting.
Sometimes she says he follows us around when we walk around school together at break time which could be a coincidence or just another way to go out of his way to make people uncomfortable. She says that sometimes he tries to catch her eyes, etc in class but I think she’s a bit deluded. Last week when he added her on Snapchat she sent me and our group chat a voice note freaking out.
She says she doesn’t like him but also says she would go out with him if he was more mature.
For that reason, I’m led to believe she might just not be recording it because he’s her crush, but either way, the situation just angers me.
AITJ for being mad at my friend?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I wouldn’t want a creepy weirdo knowing that I recorded what he posted on Snapchat either, not her responsibility to be honest.” AkiliosTheWolf
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I think you have a valid reason to be mad.
I’d be mad too. I also understand why she wouldn’t want him to know that she did a screen record so I think she has a valid reason as well.
If your friend has an iPhone I do not think Snapchat can detect a screen RECORDING.
It can detect a screenSHOT but not a recording. That’s only for iPhone though and I could be wrong.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, yeah, I would not want the creepy weirdo knowing that I recorded something and now his eyes are on me. Nope, I am not dumb.” Solid_Quote9133
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, while she is your friend that’s not her responsibility and you can’t ask her to do something that will make her uncomfortable because at the end of the day YOU are asking HER for help. She is allowed to say no, the rest of the story is obviously not good and something should be done about it but that’s kind of low-hanging fruit.” The_Spaghett_Boy
8. AITJ For Not Wanting To Help My Mom Financially?
“I (19F) have a mom (42F) who works 30+ hours weekly. Yesterday while at work she asked me to help with groceries to send back to the Dominican Republic for my grandmother and I refused saying ‘I’m broke’ which was impartiality false since I have 800 to my name at the moment.
The reason why I refused this time is that she has made a habit of asking me for money either for when she shops at Ross or at other stores.
About two weeks ago she won a Nike raffle and got Yeezis and then asked me to pay two of her credit card bills to which I did and I told her several times that she has to manage her finances better.
I got my tax refund and her asking for funds has been more constant, it was only 1.8k which was going to be a great start so I could start saving funds for my own car or my medical bills but instead of making more I’m losing more.
I don’t claim that I haven’t used the money for my own pleasure but I barely make do with my part-time job since I also go to community college.
I can’t refuse directly to not give money since she would call my family and have them pressure me into giving in because of our Dominican culture.
I feel like I’m being selfish but when will it stop?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your mom has credit card bills that she racked up and can’t pay but can send money back to DR and ask you to pay? No. You need to do what’s best for yourself.
Your mom isn’t prioritizing her money properly. You shouldn’t have to bail her out because you can.” 926dr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you aren’t already paying a set amount for rent, groceries, bills, etc. I would suggest setting up a certain (fair) amount that you will pay every month or every two weeks (whichever works) to contribute towards living expenses.
Then talk to her about it, agree on the amount and tell her you won’t be going over that amount. Record the convo if you have to or make an agreement that you both sign. That way if there is family interference you can present the signed agreement or recorded conversation.
Good luck!” cattripper
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I come from this culture and often see people spending too much money to keep up appearances to family back home and then not being able to pay for necessities or make ends meet. You’re trying to get out of that cycle and that is to be praised.
That said, you are old enough now to save for your own future and contribute to the family expenses if you’re still living at home. Talk to your mom and instead of giving her money whenever she asks, set up a monthly household budget.
Figure out what the expenses are for the house every month and agree to give her a certain amount as your board/rent/groceries, etc… say $200/month as your portion every month or what you can afford. She can use it for whatever is needed but that’s it.
You don’t need to pay her credit cards or her own bills.” Curls_Knight
7. AITJ For Saying My Husband And His Friends Used To Bully Me?
“My husband and his friends used to bully me while we were in secondary school. It’s not something any of them like being reminded of, especially not my husband.
His aunt asked me recently how we met since we’d never really shared the story with his extended family and he wouldn’t tell her when she asked him.
I told her the truth, starting from how he and his friends used to bully me. Everybody laughed it off except for my husband who I could see was upset.
We ended up having an argument on the way home because he felt like I shouldn’t have told her about the bullying since he was a dumb kid then and because I know he doesn’t like being reminded of it.
He said it makes him feel like I still hold it against him, which I don’t.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“A gentle YTJ.
My husband was a one-night stand. We say that we just met in high school, and met up again later on, which is true.
The thing is, I have no recollection of him existing in high school, but he remembers me.
Either way, the ‘how we met’ story isn’t always this adorable meet-cute tale like we see in movies.
But the bottom line is that the two of you met in school.
The story can be as easy as that. You are the one choosing to share the story as a whole, reminding him of a time in his life he wasn’t proud of, and also telling everyone else what an awful person he used to be.
While how you tell the story might be true, it isn’t necessary to share it with others. You are sharing it because you want to. Either because the bullying you went through caused issues, and this allows you a sort of therapy, or because you want to let people know he wasn’t always marriage material.
While I understand this is how the two of you crossed paths in life, the whole story isn’t needed.
‘We met in school. We didn’t always get along, and he used to give me a hard time, but eventually, something just clicked between us.‘
That’s all you really need. I’m assuming your husband has apologized for his behavior and worked to make things right, so you don’t need to remind him and tell others of a part of his life he wants to leave in the past unless you really haven’t moved on from it and are just telling yourself you have.
If that’s the case, talk to him, not his aunt.
It’s your right to tell your story if you wish, but understand that after all the work he put in to evolve as a person, and win you over despite all the odds being stacked against him, this is just a painful reminder and probably makes him feel like he doesn’t deserve you.
For me, this is akin to someone really messing up in a relationship, working hard to mend things and earn forgiveness and the person’s love back, and being reminded of it during every fight. You either start over, accept that bad things happened, but are in the past, or you let them go.
You aren’t doing this to him to be mean, which is why this is a soft YTJ, but he’s an adult who doesn’t want to hear about all the terrible things he did as a child. If he asks you not to do this, and you can see the story is difficult for him to hear, find a new way to tell it.” Oliviarose85
Another User Comments:
“While I get that people can change, ‘it’s not something any of them like being reminded of’ makes it seem like the group as a whole is more concerned that people might think poorly of them than that they hurt OP.
OP, I’m kind of surprised that someone would connect with a person who bullied them. That said, what you’ve related about his words makes it seem like he’s trying to center everything back on himself – like his actions towards you only matter as they are something that affects him.
I’m left wondering if your husband was more upset that it felt like you were holding this over his head, or that it felt like people were having a laugh at his expense.
I think everyone sucks here. The aunt asked and you told her what actually happened, and everyone essentially laughed at your husband.
I can see how that would be embarrassing for him, hence your share of the ‘everyone sucks here’ when you know he doesn’t like for people to hear this story. However, your husband got upset over people hearing about something that he actually did, even though he was a kid when he did it.
Does he think you should lie about it or not answer when asked? Because expecting you to handle his emotional maintenance at your own expense seems like the wrong lesson to have taken from these events.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
If you married him, then that means you have forgiven him for being a bully and have decided that he is a good person and his bullying was a childish mistake.
At least I’m assuming that because if you haven’t forgiven him/don’t think he’s a good person then why did you marry him?
With that in mind, bringing up his past mistakes or bad behavior to friends and family is not a nice thing to do.
It definitely makes it seem like you are resentful or angry.
Let’s use an analogy. Say you made some bad financial decisions that put the two of you in financial trouble. However, you both figured things out and the problem was resolved and he forgave you for your mistakes.
And then your uncle asks ‘why didn’t you go on vacation last year’ and he responds ‘well OP messed up our finances and we had to recover from that’. You think that would be okay?
I could come up with countless examples where one partner’s history would not be a topic for casual discussion.” gdddg
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your actions have consequences. You were the one who was a victim so you can speak however you want about the truth. But he’s voiced it makes him uncomfortable so it’s really up to you on how to proceed while knowing that information.” capricornvvenus
6. AITJ For Wanting The Pictures From My Cousin's Baby Shower To Be Deleted?
“I (21 F) have recently come to really, really hate my face. I can’t stand to look at myself. Recently, I made a post on my social media and asked several friends if they could archive/take down photos from about 2010-forward.
The problem is, that I was going through my social media to see photos that I have been tagged in, and some of them are from a cousin’s baby shower. They’re just goofy, silly photos – they don’t have anyone in them who has passed, and honestly, I don’t think that anyone even looks at them.
One of my close friends was reading over my shoulder while I was texting the original poster of the photos and said it was ‘kind of a jerk move’ to ask to have them archived/deleted. I told him I would even settle with being untagged, so they don’t show up on my profile anymore, and he said it was ‘the same thing’ and still made me seem rude.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m pretty sure you can do something in the settings so your tagged pics from other people don’t show up. They are from years ago anyway, potentially, so these are not things that pop up daily in your feed, just… don’t look at them.
Why are you trawling tagged pics anyway if you don’t want to see them?
YTJ a little bit, I kinda see what you’re getting at but it is a little bit rude, and honestly kinda weird. If the pics were from last week and were widely shared/commented on by people you know, it’d be more understandable.
I say it gently though as I think there’s something problematic and difficult for you that’s motivating the request because that kind of aversion to yourself is unhealthy and unmanageable long-term. Maybe try and get some insight into what’s going on with you?” lickykicky
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ
You can untag yourself from any pictures posted on social media, you can also make it so you have to review any tags before they show up on your timeline/with your name in. Or you can delete your account if you don’t want your face out there.
Asking someone to remove pictures from something that was an important event for them is ridiculous. Just untag yourself and avoid getting pictures, there’s no reason to make anyone do it for you or send a text telling them to do it
But honestly, you need to work on your self-esteem.” HunterDangerous1366
Another User Comments:
“I agree you’re mildly the jerk here. You’re having issues that you need to address with the help of a licensed therapist (mental health is no joke!) and I really hope you do that. Asking everyone around you to take down pictures from as far back as 12 years ago is a bit much.
Change your account settings, work with a therapist about hating yourself, and like unplug from social media for a while.” Traditional_Curve401
5. AITJ For Stealing A Roommate?
“A while ago I (24M) started looking for a new place to live. My previous roommates are good friends of mine, but I preferred somewhere closer to where I work and go to school currently.
A guy I had met a few times before said he had space left for another person, so I took the offer. I would stay over for a while to see if it clicked and if I wanted to move in definitively. I’ll call him A for convenience.
When I first get there everything seems okay. The other person living there, B, seems alright. After a bit, though, I notice some of his behavior is really strange and nervous. He quickly becomes clingy toward me and every time we’re in the common area he doesn’t leave my side.
I assumed he was just awkward and trying to connect with me.
The more time passes, the more I notice the dynamic between A and B is odd. There are no clear examples I can think of, but it was a tension I could feel.
When I’ve stayed over for about two days I say I miss my old place and don’t feel like I’m going to stay. In reality, I felt weird about both A and B, and the general vibe. A says it’s fine, there are no hard feelings between us.
I say I’m going to leave the next morning. A has to leave pretty early in the morning for work, so he’ll say bye before I actually leave.
It starts getting worse when B offers to help me pack my stuff. That in itself wasn’t bad, but when we get into my room he closes the door, looks me straight in the eyes, and quietly asks if I’m actually gonna leave.
I say yes. He appears to get stressed and asks me whether I can please let him go with me. When I ask why he only says to please trust him.
I’m not sure how to react, because he seems to be dead serious about it.
He’s practically begging me to take him with me. I barely know the guy, but it felt like something was genuinely off. I text my previous roommates about the situation. They find it very strange too, and because I was serious about it they didn’t feel good saying no.
The next morning when B and I are alone in the house I wait for him to pack his stuff and he gets into my car because I didn’t feel like I had another option. He keeps thanking me on the way home.
Later that day I get a long, angry text from A saying it’s immature of us to team up and leave him behind, and that I shouldn’t have listened to B because he tends to lie and make things up all the time.
B has some issues according to A.
B is currently still with us until things become more clear and haven’t given any of us a reason to be wary of him or question his motives, but I can’t be entirely sure. It is true that I still have zero proof to base my decision on, it’s purely gut feelings, and I admit it’s unfair that he’s all alone now without warning.
I’m the reason his roommate is now gone.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, what concerns me here was A immediately said don’t believe what B told you, he tends to lie and make things up. Obviously, he means things about him. But B hasn’t said anything to you.
A is trying to cover his tracks. I have worked with neglected kids and parents who deny mistreating kids. You know what the first thing those parents say? ‘Don’t believe what their kid has told you, they make stuff up and tell lies.’ Always the first thing.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but there’s definitely more info you need to get from B before you let him stay with you indefinitely or he’ll become a problem for you to solve, and I’m assuming you don’t want to take responsibility for him.
He was obviously not comfortable staying with A and was hoping you being there would ease whatever their tension is. If I were you, I would make it clear he has to tell you what’s going on, or he’s gotta go. He has very clingy behavior, and the longer you let that go on without clear boundaries, the harder it will be to get him to move on from you.” phantomfire00
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
First of all, all three of you guys are adults. Your former roommate ‘A’ was hiding something from you, that ‘B’ doesn’t want to tell you about.
‘B’ has every right to live where he wants to. You have nothing to feel guilty about by letting him move out on ‘A’ and moving in with you.” CrochetBeth
4. AITJ For Telling My Friend I Can Post What I Want?
“I (nb17) have been thinking recently that I have autism, this isn’t a baseless assumption and I haven’t been saying this without some sort of evidence. I have never said for definite that I have autism, only I think I could have it.
I posted something about an autistic trait on my Snapchat story and my friend (m16) replied and said ‘you don’t have autism,’ and it kind of hurt my feelings because out of everyone I knew I thought he would back me in thinking this because getting an autism diagnosis is incredibly difficult for AFABs (assigned female at birth) and especially so in Ireland.
We argued about how he can say things like that to me because I don’t know if I have it or not. He then said that he’s always been insecure about autism and seeing me, someone not diagnosed talking freely about the possibility upsets him.
I told him I’m not responsible for his insecurities and that because he’s not secure with his autism doesn’t mean I have to control what I say on my Snapchat. He said I was incredibly insensitive for this and guilted me so bad I deleted the original post and haven’t mentioned it to him since.
I’ve felt like a complete jerk since then and I can tell it’s absolutely affected our friendship.”
Another User Comments:
“Slight YTJ. There is a trend right now for people to claim labels just based on identifying with one or two characteristics. And it can be harmful to diminish people by co-oping that diagnosis.
We’ve seen it for years with people claiming to be ‘OCD’ because they like organization. They aren’t and it isn’t appropriate. Recently there’s been an uptick in sharing things that make people neurodivergent or autistic or ADD and a lot of people have been finding things in common with those traits.
And then just saying well I have ADD based on this or that. I’m autistic because I relate to this TikTok. And it can feel hurtful to have someone take up a part of your identity and act like it’s easy.
Yes, you have suspicions that you’re autistic.
And yes afab people are much less likely to be properly diagnosed. But your suspicion doesn’t necessarily grant you carte blanche to claim that identity, and you definitely should’ve shown more kindness and grace towards your friend. Honestly, I would just go to your friend and say that it’s something you’re working out for yourself and you didn’t intend any insensitivity towards the life he’s led. And I’d seek out a physician to work towards figuring out if it IS something you are.” Agreeable-Tale9729
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You may or may not be autistic and I certainly hope that you’re able to access the proper resources to know one way or the other.
I don’t have autism. What I do have is ADHD, PTSD, and as a consequence of PTSD, severe anxiety, and depression.
Lately, I’ve been noticing that it appears to be ‘trendy’ for people to self-diagnose themselves, especially on social media, and as someone with an actual diagnosis and the reality that comes with it, this trend hurts deeply.
I don’t know exactly how to say it or even what an apt comparison would be, but when someone who hasn’t been to a proper doctor or psychiatrist makes those claims, it feels invalidating to me.
My diagnoses aren’t this season’s hottest Gucci bags; I cannot pick them up, put them down, or change them out at will.
I imagine your friend felt somewhat invalidated by your post, especially your input about how secure or not he is about his own diagnosis.
There’s very little security in my world because my brain is not wired the way others’ brains are. I am in constant fight-or-flight mode even when my medication is working to ease that. Again, I don’t have autism so I don’t know if autistic people feel similarly or not, but I’m willing to bet that autism isn’t a diagnosis that one would be ‘secure’ in as much as it’s one they come to terms with and learn to live with.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with noting traits that you have that are parts of autism. But, maybe leave autism out of it? Just, whatever the trait is, sure, share that it’s a part of you, but just tread carefully because until you know, it really can hurt people who are having to live with it as their reality.” MiskatonicUAlum
3. AITJ For Being Offended When My Wife Booked Me A Hotel?
“My wife (40F) lives in Europe and I (38M) live in the US. We have been long-distance for much of our 8yr relationship (5yrs married).
I went to visit her in Switzerland last summer. She is an academic, works a lot, suffers from insomnia, especially under stress, and was prepping to speak at a conference.
The apartment is a studio, there isn’t a separate room with a couch to sleep on.
On a weekday, my friend and I left at 5 am to take a train and go hiking a few hours away. We planned to stay the night at a hostel.
We hiked all day, it was very tough, and a thunderstorm came in heavier than expected. We finished later, soaked, shivering, cold, and in the dark. We called ahead to the hostel but they wouldn’t allow late check-in. Checking online on our phones, no other lodging was available in the region at this point.
We thought it would be best to take trains back to the city, which would mean arriving home very late, something like 3 am. I explained to my wife, and after some back and forth, she said I shouldn’t come home because I would disturb her sleep and work, and that she had booked me a hotel in the city instead.
I was incredulous and upset at this, and she was angry in return that I was willing to disturb her work, that her talk was very important and her career would suffer if she didn’t prepare enough. I was hurt that she was not able to receive me back at home.
She said that she had catered for my needs – a place with a hot shower and warm bed at the hotel she booked. She said that by expecting to be able to come back home late at night, I was being disrespectful of her boundaries, and this was tantamount to sabotaging her career.
While I would always want to receive a loved one/family at home, esp. at a time of need, I can acknowledge that she is anxious about her work and that insomnia can be debilitating. But she continues to not accept or see why I should be hurt or angry at all, at not being allowed to come home to a shared space of a couple (married or otherwise in a close relationship), and can only see it as me disrespecting her boundaries and autonomy and even as a hostile attempt to sabotage her career.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your wife went above and beyond to accommodate you making sure you were taken care of while also not setting herself on fire. She has sleep issues that you are well aware of and a big presentation that is proving to be stressful.
Instead of being grateful that your mommy… um excuse me, your wife, set you up with nice accommodations so you had a nice warm bed and a hot shower when you didn’t manage to make it to your hostel, you decided to throw a tantrum being all upset that she doesn’t want you tromping around the studio apt disrupting her sleep while you settle in, shower, and crash into bed.
Omg, YTJ. It’s one night, and a night where you were planning to be sleeping elsewhere anyways. Grow up, you should have handled all of this on your own without bothering your wife. You should have only told her where you’d be since you missed the hostel’s curfew.” Ema630
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, man. She’s stressing out, she’s struggling to sleep. You and your buddy messed up hiking and you think that entitles you to disturb her the whole night on this very stressful day? It’s a tiny problem to sleep the night apart from her (you were planning to do it anyway!)
You basically are saying that her important needs (sleep, career) matter less than your unimportant needs (waking up your wife at 3 am to sleep together for maybe 4 hours before she leaves for work). It’s not your wife’s job to ‘receive you’ at any cost. Try supporting her instead of being so intensely focused on your own wounded ego.” InterwebHero20
Another User Comments:
“Dude, what’s the difference?! If things had worked out the way you’d planned, you’d have spent that night in a hostel, anyway. She just did you a huge favor by booking you a hotel room when you couldn’t find one yourself, and it changed the arrangements you’d already made not one whit–except for the location of the accommodations.
You’re just looking for something to be offended ******** not about the hotel. Maybe it’s because you feel like she isn’t making room for you in her life? Whatever it’s about, why don’t you have an adult conversation about it with her, rather than getting your dudgeon up about trivialities?
YTJ.” JosieJOK
Another User Comments:
“Controversial opinion, but sometimes after a difficult experience like you had, a bit of support, even the sense of having someone else with you feels nice. Therefore completely understandable that you’d want to be in a familiar and safe space with your wife.
It’s equally fair that she wanted to have some peace and quiet in order to focus on her presentation. So no jerks here.
Incidentally, how do you feel about your relationship as a whole? It sounds like the two of you don’t try or aren’t able to see things from each other’s perspectives, and therefore don’t come off as overly supportive of each other.
Though this may be a single, uncommon incident. Maybe it’s because of your time apart during the majority of your relationship.” lima_acapulco
2. AITJ For Telling My Friend That Her First Love Didn't Love Her?
“My best friend and I were going out with two guys in high school. I was going out with A and she was going out with J. She and J broke up around the summer of junior year, and so did me and A. I found out she and A started going out 3 months after A and I broke up, and to be honest I didn’t care since I got over him.
J and I started going out 5 months after they started going out. He and I were friends before my best friend even went out with him and he asked me out to go to prom with him.
Now present time, I (20F) and J (21M) are married, we got married a year ago.
A (22M) and my best friend (21F) are engaged. Recently my friend and I have been going out more together to bars and things like that. We haven’t been in much contact recently so we just spent a bunch of time together.
On this particular trip, we took 4 other friends with us.
Again, long story short, she got wasted. The topic of past partners came up and she kept referring to J as ‘her first love’ and ‘someone she’d never get over’. I ignored this despite how much it ticked me off. What made me mad was that she turned to me and said ‘I was his first love, the love you and him have will never compare to what we had’.
Now, before I say what I said next, lemme explain. She and J broke up because J came clean to her about losing feelings, J told me though that in reality, he went out with her because he liked me since middle school and after I got with A he tried to replace his feelings for me for the feelings he had for her.
I turned to her and told her straight up that he never even liked her and the time they spent together was just a pity party on his part. She started crying. One girl started comforting her while the others just stared at her. Another girl said that she shouldn’t have even said that if she wasn’t ready for me to say something back, and the two other girls agreed. The girl on her side though said that it wasn’t her fault since she was wasted and I should be more considerate of her feelings.
It’s been a week, she’s still mad at me. She told me that even if she got over J that my telling her that her first love never actually loved her hurt her pride way more than she’s willing to admit. Most if not all of our friends are on my side, and J thinks I had every right to say what I said.
Actually, he told me she texted him to confirm what I had said, and she said ‘is it true you never loved me?’ He confirmed what I said
A called me asking why she was crying so much since he knows she tells me everything and I just said that she felt ill, the poor dude doesn’t even know about the situation and I don’t wanna tell him since he’s the type to leave her over this and I already hurt her enough.
I still feel bad though, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Wouldn’t surprise me, if your friend is marrying A, because of her lost love of J.
The bottom line is, at least according to Jay, he told her at the moment, at the time – I don’t have feelings for you anymore I wanna break it off.
Assuming that’s true, then it’s fair game in current times. If you’re gonna sit there, and continue to have a fantasy relationship in your head about how things were with your current husband. And that ‘you’ll never have the love she and Jay had.
Because it was their first’. Then fair game on setting the record straight.
You know what, you’re not wanting to tell A, ‘because she’s already been through enough, you don’t want to ruin her possible marriage’ – well you know what, it’s easier to break off the engagement than it is to get divorced.” Capital-Western8687
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, she shouldn’t have acted like that but your response was far worse. That’s your best friend and you felt comfortable saying that stuff to her? Even if it was inappropriate, clearly her saying he was her first love means that he really meant something to her in the past and you feel justified to humiliate her in front of other people like that?” qu1t1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She wasn’t ready for an Uno reverse and got her feelings hurt.
She’s lucky playing with me I would have told A about the situation like getting your girl out here calling my husband her first love and saying things that don’t add up.” ContributionNo2778
Another User Comments:
“Wow, a group of 20-year-old childish jerks hanging out together.
All of you are jerks here. While your friend is indeed a drama queen. Your partner is by far the biggest jerk here. He went out with your best friend while having feelings for you.
Then after they broke up he started seeing you and he actually had the guts to tell you about it and you still went out even after him telling you why he went out with your best friend.
You basically got your best friend’s sloppy leftovers.
Sucks to be you.” [deleted]
1. WIBTJ If I Send An Angry Letter To My Daughter's Coaches?
“My daughter (15f) has been playing volleyball for a long time. We will call her C. She is a good player, and this year she joined a club team. It has three coaches. We will call them 1, 2, and 3. 1 doesn’t play volleyball, and 2 and 3 are very new coaches.
The team is small, (9 players) and on a volleyball court, there are 6 players per team on the court at a time. On the team, she was the setter (considered the most important and difficult position in volleyball). C has struggled with mental health for years, and we are working as a family to support her.
The coaches are not fully aware of this.
Weeks ago, they had an exhibition tournament (friendly, no-stakes games for the teams in the area). During the first game, C was played as her role as setter. When she would do a good job, the coaches did not give her encouragement.
When she would make a mistake, the coaches would glare at her and offer no advice. This sent her into a spiral and threw her off her game.
Eventually, they put her on the bench. For the rest of the multiple-day tournament, she was benched and told that she would get a chance to play, but did not.
The same 6 players were playing for the rest of the tournament, with 3 bench players, including C, getting no game time. C had multiple panic attacks during the tournament because of the treatment from her coaches. The players were clearly exhausted and not playing very well by the end of the tournament.
After the games, I asked coach 2 why C hadn’t been played very much. 2 said ‘when C gets up, she gets up and when she gets down, she gets down, and that affected her performance.’ I left it at that.
Later, I found out that while C was having a panic attack, she overheard coach 2 talking to the coach of a different team.
The other coach said our team played well, and 2 laughed and said that they didn’t have to lie. 2 realized that C was there, but said nothing to her. C was clearly crying and having a panic attack, and 2 did nothing.
At their next practice, all 3 coaches berated the team, especially the bench players, for not supporting each other as much as they should have.
The coaches did not encourage the team during the games. For all of the practices since then, the teams have been the main 6 players vs the 3 bench players. The bench side was not given coaching, their only job was to get the ball back over so the main team could practice together and work on their team dynamic.
They know that C is a good player, but they have been punishing her ever since the game.
I am considering telling them in a letter or email that I am appalled by their treatment of C and others on the team. I believe they should be more compassionate and I think everyone should be more aware of the impact their words and actions can have on someone, especially since mental illness is so common in today’s world and how it can often be invisible.
So, would I be the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s a competitive team sport. If she’s not doing well, she gets benched. That’s literally how competition works. You don’t get to play extra just because you’re having a bad day/week/whatever.
I do wonder if there’s more to the story with the panic attacks since that really seems like a lot. Either way, if she’s not happy and not enjoying it, just move teams. Don’t write a letter. YWBTJ.” krendyB
Another User Comments:
“If your daughter can’t handle the stress of being on a competitive team, she needs to go back to rec league. You’re blaming the coaches for not coddling C’s mental illness, but they are not trained as psychiatrists and should not be involved in her mental health.
They should be coaching.
Instead of further blaming the coaches with an email, how about you encourage your daughter to step up? She’s not being punished, she’s just not performing up to her standard. Teams need players that want to be there and want to win.
C has to want this. C has to be the one to tell the coach she’s better than her last game. C has to do this herself, not you.
YWBTJ.” 7hurricanes
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Let me get this straight: Your daughter had a bad day and it affected her playing… and you’re surprised that she didn’t get more playing time.
While they may not be the world’s best coaches, nothing they did was out of the line.
They benched the players not playing well (shocker!) They joked around with another coach. They then discussed the issues the team had with the players.
Your mistake here is taking your daughter at her word for how they talked to the team.
I hate to be the one to break this to you, but she is not the most reliable source for this; none of the players are. So, unless you heard it firsthand, stay out of the way and let the coaches coach.
I’m sorry, but if you want more compassion and whatnot, club/competitive sports are not where you’re going to find it.
They’re not going to treat her any differently than the other players or treat her with kid gloves.
Having mommy come in and email the coaches because they hurt her little girl’s feelings isn’t going to help anything.” Ok-Mode-2038
