People Use Their Charm To Convince Us They're Blameless In Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
18. AITJ For Refusing To Attend My Niece's Birthday And Bake Her A Cake?
“I went no contact with my sister 8 years ago after learning she was having an affair with the guy I was engaged to at the time. It was not the first time something similar had happened. When we were teens (yes, I know, I know we were teens), there was a guy I really liked and we’d been flirting a bit and building up to something.
I would confide in her about it. Then she went and slept with him and told me she wanted to ‘test him out’ for me. At the time I let it go. We were sisters. I wasn’t actually going out with the guy. But it stung that she would do that to me, and be so casual about it.
But we were both young.
I met my ex when I was 20, we started going out when I was 22 and he proposed to me after 18 months. We were engaged for a year and had started planning the wedding when I learned they had been together for 5 months.
Not just sleeping together either but going out on dates, sneaking around to spend time with each other, and sleeping in my bed. She even brought him into my childhood bedroom and slept with him on my childhood bed while our parents were out of town.
She had no remorse until I found out. Then she broke down and told me how sorry she was, how she hadn’t realized how much it would hurt me, and that she needed me to forgive her. I told her that I hated her and that I wanted nothing more to do with her.
She begged and pleaded. Even went as far as showing up at my job to try and make me forgive her. Even after she moved him in with her (yes, I broke up with him too) and he proposed to her, she kept trying. I told her she might be forgiven when she was dead, but not to hold her breath on that.
I have no relationship with her anymore and am not open to one.
She has two/three kids with him now. Not sure if they are still together. But her oldest turned 6 recently and my parents had mentioned how she wanted to know me and how she’d spoken to my sister and everyone would love it if I went to her birthday party, her 6-year-old included. I said no. My parents said they’d even pay me to make her a birthday cake (since I do that as a side gig).
Again I said no. They told me how she wants to know me and that my sister would let them facilitate it. I said I was not interested. My sister reached out to me on Messenger and begged me to come. She said her daughter knew all about me and wanted to meet me and have her aunt in her life.
I ignored my sister. My parents were furious when the party came and went and I stuck to my word. They told me I should have gone and I should make an effort to have a relationship with her.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“That’s a tall ask.
Not just to meet my sister’s daughter, but to make a cake too. I’m sorry that you had to go through repeated betrayals from your sister. If you feel like you want to have a relationship with your niece, that feeling should come naturally and not under duress, or obligation to the feelings of others.
It’s also strange a 6-year-old would be so emphatic about wanting to meet you. It feels like your parents are being meddlesome. NTJ.” Rigpa_Dakota
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your sister was deliberately going on dates and sleeping with your then fiancé and she ‘didn’t know how much it would hurt you’…?
What!? No one in their sane mind would have done that, especially to their own sibling.
If your niece still wishes to get to know you, maybe your parents could arrange to have their grandkids for the day or something, and then you could go and visit without your sister around.
Whether they would agree to that or not would be questionable but at the same time, if they are that sure about making sure that child gets to know their other family members, they would agree to a compromise like that.
I honestly don’t blame you for going no contact with your sister over all these years and I wouldn’t blame you if you continued or just kept contact down to a minimum and for essential things only.
Good luck OP.” sunshinemight
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you never need to see or be in the same room as your sister and her children ever.
Her betrayal is the worst kind in the world. it’s worse than his a million times. When she was sneaking around with your fiance and in your bed, she was there and then decided you were not sisters and not family.
She made that choice and now she needs to live with her choice.
Her daughter does not need an aunt, she won’t die without an aunt. They are manipulating you.
Tell your parents if they bring up your sister again and try to force a meeting that you will go no contact with them too.
It’s their choice.” Big__Bang
17. AITJ For Refusing To Allow My Mother-In-Law To Move In With Us?
“My husband’s parents are getting a divorce, and he wants his mother to live with us permanently. She lives in Texas, we live in Pennsylvania.
She’s never worked a day in her life and doesn’t really have income except for social security and possibly her soon-to-be ex-husband’s retirement. She and I get along to an extent, but we don’t really see eye to eye. We lived with her for a month at one time and it didn’t end up well.
I don’t want her on the street, and I don’t mind getting her an apartment or another home; or even helping to support her. I feel like I don’t have a choice here. I’ve expressed this to my husband, but he gets angry and says he won’t abandon her.
He also said I could find a place if we didn’t get along. Which I told him that I felt like I was being put last, and behind his mom. I feel like I’m being wronged here, but really, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
There’s nothing wrong with temporarily having her stay while the settlement is being negotiated. Once it’s done, she’ll know her income and you can help her find a cute place of her own.
Your husband needs to take your feelings on the matter into consideration.
Yes, his mom is going through a rough time but he needs to have your buy-in otherwise he’s also going to be headed for having house retirement being paid out to you.” emotionallydented445
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – His mother is a full-grown adult. He is not responsible for her happiness and well-being.
There is a difference between helping and supporting.
His mother is getting divorced. She is going from half of a couple to a single person. She needs to build the next chapter in her life. It sucks. But going to live with you and your husband isn’t going to help her to become a productive happy person.
She needs friends her own age and activities with said friends.
He needs to be supportive, but having her move in, turns her into an incompetent invalid. Surely he has more respect for her than that. She needs a place to live on her own or with roomies and she needs to learn to build her own life.
You are married, he made vows to put you first. you and he should be discussing what kind of help you can provide. If she leaves Texas, she is leaving behind all of her friends, her church, and her activities. In Pennsylvania, she will have no one but you and your husband.
She has been the matriarch of her house for years, and moving in with you is going to cause all sorts of difficulties because you are the matriarch of your house.
You need to sit your husband down and discuss this. He is describing binary choices in a gray world.
There is a huge range of solutions between her being on the street and her living in your house. His first priority is your needs and his second priority is providing support for her. There are other solutions than moving in with you. She can find a job to supplement his social security and whatever she is getting in the divorce settlement.
She can get an apartment in a retirement community where there are people her age and activities. Her world has changed, and she needs to accept the changes and figure out the next chapter. Your husband trying to recreate his childhood for her is not good for her, him, or you.
If he refuses to consider any other options, then he is not honoring his marriage vows, you need to decide what you want to do. Life is too short to be in a miserable living situation every day.
I am a widow. It sucks, and it’s hard, but you put your big girl pants on and take it one thing at a time.
Him babying her isn’t going to help anyone.” Buttercup303
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If he goes forward with plans to have his Mom move in, you should get a consultation with a Divorce Attorney. Your husband is showing that he will put his Mom first and that’s no way to spend the rest of your life.
In that case, it’s better to exit the relationship earlier than later… and to take your share of marital assets before they get drained to support his mom.
Even if you don’t go straight to a Divorce Attorney, having your own personal bank account at a different bank and having your paychecks deposited there would be a good idea.
You need something to fall back on if this relationship ends.” teresajs
16. AITJ For Not Letting My Homeless Partner Live With Me?
“My partner and I started going out 4 months ago and he got kicked out of his place for nonpayment. His landlord raised his rent from $1400->$1600, and while it’s not huge he also got dropped to part-time hours at work so he can’t afford it.
I live in a 2 bed 1 bath with my friend who made it clear when we started going out, she didn’t want guys staying over too long. We agreed on 3 nights per guy (she also has a partner) every week max. He already stayed last Friday and this weekend and I don’t want to break our agreement because then she can have her partner stay over permanently too and it’s already crowded with 3 people.
Also, I complained last year when he spent too much time at our place so my friend made this agreement so I don’t want to be the one to break it.
He is angry because he can’t find a place to stay. His friend let him stay this week but that’s it and he is relatively new to the city so it’s hard.
It’s very difficult for him to find a new place because he barely makes enough for a room. My friend did tell me if I found a good replacement roommate for her I can leave and sign for a place with my partner. We’ve only been together for 4 months and exclusive for 2 it’s way too soon for me to be thinking of signing for a place with this guy.
But it’s it selfish when he’s facing sleeping in his car? He is mad at me for not being willing to help him while he finds a place.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
A partner asking to move in with you within MONTHS of being together due to a housing emergency and loss of income is a massive marinara flag that this person might be a h********l.
Your partner had noticed the rent increase was coming. If he got dropped to part-time, he could have picked up a second job or started looking for something else. You also don’t get kicked out of your apartment right away, and there’s Craigslist if you need to find a place with roommates or extended stay places if you need a place while you’re looking.
Guys like this often use the pressure of homelessness to force your hand. Sometimes, it turns out they weren’t actually facing homelessness at all or their reduction of work hours was self-inflicted. By all means, help him out by connecting him to resources and helping him look, but there are a lot of red flags here that suggest he may be planning to move in… then quit/’lose’ his job… then you’ll be on the hook for supporting him entirely.
Best to play it cautious with this and stick to your guns.” Meemaws_BearCheese
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is actually not your responsibility. Yes, it’s bad he is homeless, but he missed payments and when having an apartment you need to prioritize the bills before fun.
You have only been together for 4 months, that is way too early to move in together. 3 nights sounds like a good boundaries if I can be honest, and I like that your roommate came with it and you should honor it.
You aren’t selfish. It would be a breaking point if you move in together this soon and he is angry at you now, think about other issues that he will be mad about where you aren’t the villain.
Don’t cave.
You can support him emotionally and you do give him housing 3 nights a week. Keep it that way. You aren’t ignoring him or anything.” Scar-Lux94
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You have only been with this guy exclusively for 2 months. Some of the things in his story are not quite adding up.
I am not sure where you live, but where I live a landlord cannot raise the rent except when a lease is renewed. Seems like suspicious timing if he happened to just renew his lease. And it takes a few months of nonpayment to get evicted. How long has he been skipping paying his rent and has he been honest with you about that?
But regardless of whether he is being honest, you do not owe him a place to live. If he can barely afford to rent a room, then you would be significantly subsidizing his rent if you two moved in together. You have not known him long enough to make any sort of long-term financial commitment.
Do not ruin your current living situation for him, do not move out and get a place with him, do not co-sign a lease for him, and do not give him money. It is very telling that he is coming to you for help when you have only known him for 4 months.
What about the other people in his life who have known him longer?
Maybe he really is a good guy who is down on his luck. But solving his current issues is way too much for someone to expect from a very very new partner.
If you want to help him, help him research local shelters and programs that connect people with low-cost housing.” Forward_Squirrel8879
15. AITJ For Kicking My Partner And His Kid Out For Not Doing The Dishes?
“My partner of 2 1/2 years needed a place to stay for 3 weeks while his house was being renovated. He has full custody of his daughter, 11-year-old ‘Hannah’.
To cut right to the chase, I’ve been to their home several times and it is not dirty by any means.
It’s always clean. So why they feel it necessary to never, not once, pick up a broom or sponge to clean up messes they’ve made in my home makes absolutely no sense to me. My partner has a habit of dirtying every pan in the house it seems to make a single meal and then just lets them pile up in the sink or on the counter/stove.
He will re-do their laundry 8 times because he leaves it in the washer until it stinks. Hannah’s clothing (socks/pants/shirts) is strewn all over my house because she takes them off and tossed them wherever they land (she wears PJ shorts and tank tops underneath absolutely everything so as soon as she comes in the door from school she just takes off her clothes and tosses them).
I think I’ve seen my partner clean a single fork since being here.
So a few days ago I lost my mind a bit and told them either they start cleaning up or they could leave. I told them BOTH before I left for work that my sink had better not be filled with dishes when I get home from work because it was my day to cook and I’m not cleaning dishes before cooking.
I walk in a half hour ago (both had been home for over an hour) and my sink is completely filled. I flipped out and told them to pack it up and leave immediately. My partner started protesting, saying he simply ‘forgot’ and rushed to the sink and I told him it was too late and to get out because I couldn’t stomach seeing either of them right now.
So they leave. But I’m being told I’m a jerk and ‘too harsh’ because they simply ‘forgot to clean’. AITJ?
ETA: No, I did not go from 0 to 100 without talking to them about it first in a calm fashion. It’s been two weeks and I had asked them several times in the first week to please help me out and pick up after themselves because it was frustrating that I had to pick up after them immediately following my return from work.
Neither of them has cleaned at all despite me asking several times.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I can appreciate that short-term guests don’t do major cleaning (mopping, etc) although I would volunteer. I can also appreciate that they pile their stuff (clothing for example) because it is a temporary stay and not everything has a home.
However, they can keep their stuff together and out of the way, not waste water and electricity rewashing clothing, and they can certainly do dishes and clean up after themselves.
Your edit is important because you didn’t just kick them out, you told them to clean up, then gave an ultimatum, and then stuck to it.
Your partner didn’t take you seriously and that is actually the big flag.
You just got a glimpse as to what it would be like to live with this man. How many of us have stories of a partner (or kid, or classmate) who doesn’t listen, lets others do the work, ignores polite requests, then gaslights when there are consequences (I could have gotten it done in time!) and then acts like you are the dramatic one (it’s just dishes).
Your partner doesn’t respect your home or your time, and good for you for standing up for yourself, but realize that living with him will be exactly like this.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It seems like they might be a bit too relaxed staying at someone else’s home, but you need to take a step back and realize that you’ve just made an 11-year-old girl and her dad homeless until their house is done being renovated. Sure, they might be too messy in your home and you don’t appreciate that, but I think better communication should have occurred before you kicked them out of your house after offering a 3-week stay.
Also, some of the habits you’re describing are a bit immature but could be corrected with time and effort. It’s not like you’ve unknowingly invited hoarders into your home, you’re just being too sensitive, especially with a child involved.” melanie132
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s bad enough that he is making your house a mess – but look what he was teaching and showing his daughter, ‘It’s okay to make and leave a mess when you are a guest at someone else’s house.’ SO not cool.
He is lazy and apparently thinks you should be waiting on him and his daughter.
You are being taken advantage of, used, and disrespected in your own home.
I feel bad for the kid – but this is totally on her father.
You are better off without him – as others have said, it won’t change if your relationship gets more serious and you move in together.
Expect to be their maid.” 1moreKnife2theheart
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. He was a jerk, and you had a right to lose your cool at HIM.
But seriously, you kicked an 11-year-old out.
Why you even gave an 11-year-old that kind of deadline is beyond me.
You made a point of saying, ‘I told them both.’ Do you really expect an 11 to be the parent if their dad messes up?
You should have only given the deadline and stuff out to the dad. You should have pulled the dad aside and told him to get out.
Instead, you raged in front of an 11-year-old and kicked them out, immediately forcing them to pack up stuff and rush out.
The 11-year-old clearly needs to be taught to clean up after themselves, but this is not the way to do it.
The dad is a jerk but whenever I ended a relationship with a woman with kids I always made a point to not involve the kids because they are kids.” NoNameMonkey
There were conversations before the last straw about cleaning up after themselves. They were ignored by both dad and child.
OP specifically says that dad's house isn't messy at all, so why would it be remotely ok to do this in the home of not only someone you're supposed to love but who opened their house to you as a favor? Answer ... its not!!
OP drew a line in the sand, they crossed it. Now dad and daughter have to deal with the consequences of their actions. Makes me wonder why dad got divorced... ill bet at least part of it was treating his ex like a maid.
14. AITJ For Leaving Our Son To My Husband So I Can Take A Nap?
“My husband’s friends sometimes come over to spend time with him. They were here last Friday which I was fine with but our son wouldn’t go to sleep which was frustrating for me because I wanted to take a nap as for this pregnancy I’ve been constantly tired.
I tried to get him to go to sleep for an hour, but I eventually gave up and took him outside where my husband was with his guests. I asked him to watch our son for a bit but his best friend told me some of them were going to smoke so I should take him back inside.
I’ll admit I wasn’t in the best mood so I told him he wouldn’t be able to smoke. It didn’t need to turn into a fight but it did because he was trying to guilt me into taking my son inside by telling me they were drinking and how they hadn’t seen my husband in ages and how I had already changed my husband’s life rapidly in less than 2 years so I should let him have one night with his friends.
My husband did tell his best friend to shut up and said he would watch our son but was I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I’d have a talk with hubby about how this guy, or any of his friends for that matter, speak to you moving forward.
He comes into your house and tells you off like that? God no. He can take his misogynistic butt elsewhere. Hubby really needs to re-evaluate the friends he brings around. It’s good that he told his friend off but he needs to make sure that his friends are all gonna be respectful to you, or they are not allowed over anymore, period.
Frankly, if it had been my friend talking to my spouse like that, they’d have been out the moment they started the guilt-tripping.” EuphorbiasOddities
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband is also a parent, so he and his friends shouldn’t be surprised when he has to do dad things like watch the children so you can rest. And you’re pregnant so that’s a legitimate reason to rest. Also, you as a mom, would your friends think it was okay to come over and start getting intoxicated and smoking around your kids?
Because I feel like most women would be asking if this was a kids-free thing for sure before doing that or at least the party would be shut down immediately knowing they had to help with childcare.
This just feels like a double standard and men feeling like women should be the primary caretakers no matter if they’re sick or pregnant or what, and men get to enjoy themselves and have fun.
Good for you for standing up for yourself. I wish your husband stood up for you too when his friend started guilt-tripping you, especially when he was blaming you for your husband’s life changing so drastically. I’m sure your life has changed drastically too after having a child and being pregnant with another!
Having children is one of the most life-changing experiences, why should your husband’s life remain untouched while yours gets turned upside down? Your husband’s friend is super immature.” violetbanana0023
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, parenting goes both ways and it sounds like you have been carrying the majority of the parenting so far.
Expecting him to care for your child is not unreasonable even if his friends are in town. His friend has no right to tell you how to parent and he needs to stick up for you. When he chose to be with you he chose you over everyone else and he needs to hold up his end of that; whether it’s watching the kid while you nap or telling his jerk friend to shut up, he needs to do better.” Outrageous-Lock2924
Thank your husband for putting his friend in his place and then have a discussion about how his friends need to treat you at all times and how they need to treat him as well. The same for your friends.
We don't even have human children, we have cats. We have a friend who would push our kitties off the table for no reason (it's our house, we don't eat at the table, it is a catch all and the kitties are allowed on it). He said, "cats don't belong on the table. We've been friends for 30 years, so he knows the rules in our home. I looked at him and said, "I like my cats more than I like most people and that includes you. If you continue to be an jerk to my cats, you will leave and you will not be allowed back, do I make myself clear?" He was offended, but he did apologize and left my cats alone. Husband agreed with me, but said I might have been a little harsh. The point is that my husband had my back and it sounds like yours has your back. So, have a good conversation and let him explain to his friends the basic ground rules.
13. AITJ For Telling My Friends That My Date's Mom Called Him Five Times?
“I (27F) went on a date with Jack (30M) recently. It was our first & last date. I didn’t know him really well & we only know each other through friends. We were set up by one of them & we talked a bit before deciding to go out.
He seemed normal.
We went to a cafe. Now we had only gotten there (just sat down) when he got a call from his mum, no big deal, he took the call in front of me, so I had no other option but to hear what he was talking about.
He told his mum that we had arrived & it was all fine. I thought that was fine maybe he was anxious or something, or his mum was wishing him luck. We got talking & within half an hour his mum called again. He picked it up & gave her an update on everything we had talked about in the last 30 mins!
It weirded me out, but then she proceeded to call him 3 more times within 2 hours! & he would recap everything we had talked about right in front of me & then go back to the conversation as if nothing had happened. I even commented about his mom’s constant calling & he said he’s a ‘mama’s boy’ It weirded me out, so I cut our date short & turned down his idea for dinner.
When I reached home, I messaged him that I had a good time, but I couldn’t see a future with him as our personalities were poles apart. He responded, ‘okay best of luck.’
Obviously, the friend who had set us up asked me about the date & I told her about his mum calling every half an hour.
I also told my friends about the date.
Now apparently, he asked out another girl & she turned him down. He found out that people knew about this situation. He sent me a text calling me some mean names & saying that it was private information & I shouldn’t have told people about it.
He also called me a racist, which doesn’t make sense to me (we are both of Indian descent).
I mean it wasn’t the constant calling that stuck out to me. It was the fact that he was literally recapping everything to her. This whole severe codependency situation didn’t sit right with me at all.
I do think I might be a jerk because I told his private business to the world, but also maybe not.
EDIT: Jack’s been blocked from my phone as he’s sent me a few more of his ‘nice’ messages.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But you really should have arranged a second date and had a friend call you 5 times during the date and you describe the date to them each time.
For bonus points, make sure to also recount the calls he had with his mom in detail so the friend actually gets two descriptions of your entire conversation.
For a bonus, bonus points have 5 different friends call, so each description of the date includes the previous recaps with the previous calls, so eventually, you are describing that ‘you both agreed that pizza is overrated and coffee is great’ about 7 times like some matryoshka stacking doll of conversational recap.” coffeecoffi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: you’re doing community service. I know no women who want to end up with a toxically codependent mama’s boy. He knows this, which is why he’s mad you’re not keeping the secret. He’s hoping someone with an inability to hold their boundaries will come along and he’ll skootch right in.
Keep helping seeing women please and be honest about your experience so some other woman won’t have to figure it out on her own. Don’t let him make you feel bad. He’s making active decisions to live under his mother’s thumb, these are his consequences.” Kindly_Fig6609
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s stunning what some people normalize. He doesn’t know that he can have boundaries from his mother. He has been entrained to answer ALL of her calls regardless of what he is doing and entertain the conversation. He thinks this is normal bc to him, it currently is.
That makes me sad. Also of course you tell your friends the details of a bad date. That was extra strange. He doesn’t understand that. He will probably find someone who also has no boundaries and/or is codependent with their own parents/parents’ traditions to be with.
Unfortunately, that is a better fit for him.” tomatojumpy2323
12. WIBTJ If I Don't Want To Have A Slumber Party With My Cousin?
“A relative is getting married out of town next month. It’s driving distance (like 2 hrs away) which is nice. Hotel rooms were booked and all that. My parents offered for me to stay with them if I want and they’d get a room with 2 beds but I declined and decided to get my own room.
Somehow my aunt came up with the idea that my cousin (12f) Maisy and I will have a slumber party the night before the wedding/night we get there. I was first informed of this yesterday because my mom told me about my aunt’s genius idea.
I don’t want to have a slumber party. I’m not a kid and not interested in painting nails and watching movies when I could be down at the bar drinking with the other adults. Which is what they’re going to be doing, including my other cousin/Maisy’s brother (21m).
I’m also not paying for a hotel room to share with a kid. The whole point of me getting my own room was so I can come and go as I please and not disturb anyone. I told my mom I’m not doing it. She said, ‘that’s mean and Maisy is looking forward to spending time with you’.
I said, ‘well aunt shouldn’t have told her I would without asking’.
She said, ‘well you could spend a couple of hours with her for girl time then have her go back to their room to sleep’. I said ‘no, I’m not her little playmate if they need someone to watch her they should have her brother do it.
I’m not.’ I’m not even into painting nails and doing ‘girl time’ stuff so… it’d be worse than just babysitting.
I’m sick of always being stuck with her. Anytime there’s a family vacation like we all go to our cabin or something her and I are put in a room together.
Then I’m expected to follow the same rules as her. Like, go to bed around when she does, and not watch TV in bed because my aunt and uncle don’t want her to watch tv in bed. I’m in my 20s and I’m done. I don’t even go to the cabin anymore because I’m sick of it.
My mom said Maisy will be hurt, but I don’t think I should have my whole weekend dictated by my aunt when I’m paying my own way. I can also totally see my aunt planning the night of the wedding too ‘oh Maisy had fun last night so you can leave with her at 7’.
It’s like because I’m the only female cousin I’m always forced to be Maisy’s buddy. Like my aunt thinks I’ll be her fill-in big sister or something. It’s not Maisy’s fault but I feel like I’m being punished.
WIBTJ if I refuse to have a sleepover/hang out with my cousin.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – If your aunt is trying to get a babysitter out of you, tell her that you have a going rate of $75 an hour, with a minimum watch of 8 hours. Let her know that payment is to be given upfront and that any non-used hours will not be prorated. If she is going to treat you like a babysitter, she’s going to have to pay for it.
I would even write up a contract for her to sign. You are going to the wedding as a guest, not to be someone’s sitter. If they want to try to make you become one, then they’re going to have to pay a premium cost for it to make it worth your while.
Your aunt needs to get the picture that you are not a service to her. You have no obligation to fill the role of ‘Big sister’ to her and your mother also needs to be backing you on this. You paid for your room; it is yours to decide what to do with it.
Your aunt should not be allowed to dictate you let your cousin stay in there with you, even for a few hours. You are absolutely correct in the fact she will try to send you home from the wedding to watch your cousin so that she and her husband can drink without worrying about having to watch their child.
Stand your ground on this!” LetBest8570
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
OP, make sure you talk/text Auntie and Mom together before the wedding regarding this issue. You want to have fun, you are in your 20s, you are staying late at the wedding, you are paying for your own room and you are not babysitting Maisy.
This way you all are on the same page and you can refer back to the messages/conversation and nobody tries to drop her off or leave her with you. If any other aunties, grandmas, uncles, or other family needs to be in the know then include them also.
Nobody is wrecking your night. They might not like it, but Maisy’s mom needs to be accountable for her well-being and fun, not you. Good luck!” User
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ. This isn’t happening until next month, so there’s plenty of time for Maisy’s parents to redirect her expectations.
It’s not like you’re canceling her whole weekend the Friday before. By the way, does she even like hanging out with you? You don’t seem to enjoy her at all, why is everyone so eager to push her on you? I’d be clear that a sleepover wasn’t happening and then not let anyone know where my room was once I checked in.
They can’t drop children at your door if they don’t know which door is yours.” Such_Detective_6709
11. AITJ For Intervening In A Crazy Military Homecoming?
“I have a sister who is returning from the military soon in a few months; she is a few years younger and has always been pretty clear that she doesn’t like big celebrations, being thanked for her service, etc.
Even a happy birthday at a restaurant is just super annoying for her, and my mom has a tendency to take EVERY opportunity to do this. We have a dinner planned around Jan and I expected it to be that; a dinner with family celebrating her return.
Little did I know until recently, my mom is planning a massive event. Enlisting their motorcycle club, the local fire department, the local police department, and her neighborhood to essentially have a gigantic ‘thank you for your service’ presentation.
I KNOW my sister will hate this with a passion.
This has been clear for years how she feels about these things. My mom has a tendency to IMMENSELY overdo these kinds of things because I think she thinks she is making up for the nightmare childhood she made us deal with by being a great mom that does big celebrations or something.
At the same time, I know this is probably ‘important’ to my mom as she told my dad she wants to honor the sacrifices my sis made. For the record, they’ve been divorced a long time and she didn’t even tell me about this plan (probably cause she knew this would be my reaction l**o).
However, as a brother, I feel obligated to at least get in the way. 5+ years in the service and we’re going to set up the person who hates surprises with a massive surprise to ‘thank them’? This is not the first time she’s attempted similar things.
Worst case I feel like warning my sis and ruining the surprise for the sake of her stress tbh. This feels more for my mom than my sister as a whole.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell your sister, find out the plan and hijack whatever your mom plans.
If it’s the drive home from the airport: go out to eat somewhere, watch a movie, or whatever before coming in. If it’s the family meal find a way to nyx the plans or contact the services you know your mom has contacted and followed up with them if possible about how your sister would prefer not to have a scene be made.
A lot of police and firefighters either are prior military or were prior military and know not everyone likes the fanfare.” akrakos
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Tell your sister.
Try to talk your mother down. But if not then contact any of the places that your mother says she is getting involved and tell them how your sister feels.
Hopefully, they will then let your mother know they will not be available.
If your mother can not be stopped then I would book a hotel for your sister for a week or so just to mess with the plans. She can ring the day before and say her homecoming is delayed and she will let you know when she is coming.
If she gives 12-24 hours’ notice that is enough to put together a family meal but not a parade.
No way should she have to endure something she hates.” W1ldth1ng
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Definitely give your sister a heads-up so she can address it.
Your mom is doing this more for attention than to honor your sister. I don’t know anything about your sister’s service, but some vets experience mental health issues and something like this could have adverse effects. But your sister has been clear that she doesn’t want it and that should be respected.” Spirit_Falcon
10. AITJ For Asking A Woman Not To Let Her Dog Pee At My Front Door?
“I have seen several dogs urinating at the front door of my newly acquired shop. The wee trickles down the slight slope and stays at the front door, meaning when people walk in and out the front door they step in the urine and it goes on my carpet.
I just watched a woman stop and let her dog urinate literally right at the door and walk off. I stepped outside the door and politely said ‘excuse me, would you mind not letting your dog wee here’. She then turned around and proceeded to explain in an angry tone how her dog was incontinent and regularly urinates on her floor at home and she cannot control where it pees.
I apologized for upsetting her multiple times but she just kept getting angrier and said that as I was new to the town and ‘not from here’ I shouldn’t be making such a request. Furthermore, she implied that she would be discouraging people she knew from coming to buy things from my shop.
I was polite and calm throughout the whole ordeal and was very much trying to diffuse the situation. I asked her to try and see it from my perspective, to which her response was that she always picks up her dog’s feces in bags she carries with her and in the summer she carries a bottle to wash away urine (though I’m not convinced this is even true) but as it is winter when there is a lot of rain she doesn’t bother.
It wasn’t raining at this time and I was expecting a postal collection and several deliveries within the next few hours.
The whole ordeal lasted about 5 minutes. She stated that I wouldn’t have to worry much longer as the dog would be dead soon as it was old.
She was extremely defensive and seemed to somehow expect me to know the age of the dog without even having seen it before, and that this was somehow a valid excuse. There is a dog walking park literally 10 meters away from my shop and I can’t understand why she couldn’t just discourage the dog from peeing on the street outside my door and take it there.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I walk my dog all the time and I’d be mortified if he chose to pee in any kind of doorway. It’s annoying to try to drag a dog from a potty spot, yes, but you should also be paying attention to your dog on the walk and maybe try to avoid letting this happen in the first place.
If her dog lifted the leg to pee on someone’s stroller, a pant leg, or a table outside a restaurant, would she just let it?
That said, accidents happen, but in this case, the lady’s response should have been, ‘I’m so sorry, let me clean this up.’ She should be used to it with an incontinent dog.
With an attitude like hers, I wouldn’t be too worried about her warning others from your shop, as I bet anyone she talks to has special words to describe her and knows how seriously to take her complaints already.” Beginning-Brain3009
Another User Comments:
“If the dog is marking, then you need an enzyme-based cleaner to remove the proteins that cause scent.
Nature’s Miracle is pretty good and not very expensive. Just vinegar won’t do that.
You can also buy dog repellant to use in that area and it should cause the dog to move along on their own to pee elsewhere.
For the record, that owner is out of line.
As a lifelong dog owner, I would never let my dog pee there and I would be horrified if it happened and come back to clean it up. I love my dogs, but hey, pee stinks. It just does.
NTJ.” NoreastNorwest
Another User Comments:
“Dogs often pee to cover up the scent of other dogs.
This means as soon as one pees in a spot, others will pee in that spot too.
I did a quick google and it says to spray or pour vinegar on the spot to cover up the urine smell. Since dogs don’t like the smell of vinegar, they will avoid it.
You may have to do it for a few weeks – maybe pour the first time and then spray every day for a few weeks, to get them to stop. But maybe the pour can be on a day you are closed.
NTJ. It is gross that people are walking through it.” YeeHawMiMaw
Any observant person can take the dog to a "safe" tree or other spot to pee before the dog actually gets a stream goin', even an old pupper. Letting a dog pee in a traffic area such as a private walkway or doorway, or on a person's private property such as a doorframe or furniture, is neglectful. Arguing instead of apologizing is idiotic.
9. AITJ For Not Taking Care Of Both Of My Sister's Dogs?
“My sister has 2 dogs, a flat-coated retriever and an Akita mix. She planned her vacation months ago and asked me to take care of both dogs for 2 weeks.
I agreed to take care of one (the retriever who I know is friendly) but I won’t go near her Akita because he’s not friendly. She insists he’s friendly, but he’s not. He growled at me for sitting on the couch while he was on the other end and she told me to get up and tried to get him down and he showed his teeth so we all had to sit on chairs.
After that, I refused to get close to him even though she insists he was friendly with humans. Even she admits he isn’t good with other dogs which is why they can’t use a dog boarding service. Everywhere they’ve called says they have to crate him, and he has never been crated due to my sister believing it to be cruel.
So 2 weeks before her vacation she begs me to take in both dogs and I refuse because I have children and my own dog and I won’t risk injury. She goes off about how I’m breed discriminating and how it’s like racism (yes, she really compared the two).
I told her to get a private dog sitter, and she complained the cheapest one came out to over $800 which is way too expensive, but if I insisted, I should pay the cost for refusing to take her dog in for her vacation. I told her it was her dog and that if she can’t afford $800 she can cancel her vacation.
She yelled it was her only vacation in 3 years and that if I need help with something don’t bother calling her and hung up.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you know your boundaries and it sounds like if anything went wrong she would be unwilling to help.
If she can’t even handle the dog guarding the couch, how does she think you’ll be able to safely manage it?
Dogs with guarding issues and lack of training are a risk and she doesn’t care about your safety. I wouldn’t want that in my home especially because the dog isn’t crate-trained and may have a further issue if he is confined (which would be my first choice – separating for safety).
If she wants a vacation so badly, she should also be budgeting to be able to take care of her dogs and not only keep them safe – but the person who is caring for them too.” charryberry998
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, It’s not the breed that you are against watching, it’s the behavior of the dog.
This dog lacks the proper training for dog hotels & honestly lacks the training to safely stay in your house. If (your sister) bothered to properly train & take care of the dog she probably wouldn’t struggle with as many dog boarding issues. She also leaks of entitlement.
Dogs are her responsibility and hers alone. She is not entitled to family help ‘because they are family’. She is capable of hiring a dog Walker/dog sitter. She just doesn’t want to. She could also see if any of the neighborhood kids would be able to come over and feed, & walk the dogs while she’s gone.
If he’s really ‘not aggressive’ it shouldn’t be that big of a deal to pay some kids to watch the dogs. However, something tells me that might be difficult for her to convince people of.” blue_penguins2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Breed aside, you’re allowed to say no.
She should put in the work with her Akita and help get him to the point where he’s not a potential danger to the people she’s asking to care for him.
I work with dogs every day and Akitas are the only breed that I won’t accept as clients based on past experience.
Logically I know there are plenty of awesome ones out there, I’m just not the one who’s going to roll the dice with them anymore.” essgeedoubleyou
8. AITJ For Cutting My Daughter Off?
“I am a mother to 2: (21F) Zoe and (17F) Bea. Their biological father was a narcissist and would demean Zoe and Bea. It took years of court battles, but my husband, Tim, and I finally got full custody when Zoe was 16.
Zoe had been in therapy since my initial divorce.
Zoe has always had a tendency to be demanding and cruel to others. I myself have gone to therapy and taken parenting classes to help Zoe. I’ve read books and tried every resource available. A big help was having Zoe channel those emotions into positive outlets (such as kickboxing.)
Zoe used to enjoy therapy but called it a waste of time and chose to stop going when she turned 18. Zoe now refuses to find positive outlets for her emotions. Zoe weaponizes her experiences with her biological father and feels they give her the right to mistreat others.
She lives at home rent-free while Tim and I pay for her education ($56,000+ yearly), car, phone, and all other expenses. Zoe refuses to help around the house. Asking Zoe to do any small chore (refilling our dog’s bowl) turns into Zoe screaming and swearing while I have to de-escalate.
Zoe believes she is entitled to our money and curses at us because we are saving money for Bea’s education as well instead of giving it all to Zoe so she can have ‘fun money.’
Tim and I left the house last Sunday for a doctor’s appointment.
I learned Monday from Bea that Zoe had gone on a rant about how I was a selfish witch since I asked her to put a frozen meal in the oven because Tim was feeling tired and he would need food ready as soon as we got home.
(Tim is a cancer survivor. He completed chemotherapy at the beginning of the year. He is still weak/sick often yet has continued to work from home to help support us.) Zoe told Bea that ‘Tim is a grown man! Why can’t he make his own food instead of me doing everything because he’s useless.’
Hearing Zoe say that about the man who supported and nurtured her and was a father to her when her biological father didn’t care for her was my breaking point. When Zoe came home, I explained her car is still in her name and that her last year of college has been paid already.
I told her that she had a month to move out and the year’s end to find her own insurance. We will pay for nothing anymore. Tim and I will no longer be treated as ATMs and burdens while providing everything for her. If she wants to act like she’s an adult who knows everything, then we will treat her as one and let her support herself.
Zoe will likely be staying with her grandparents. My sister cannot house Zoe due to her lease agreement, but she has told me I am the worst person she has ever met because you never turn your back on family and I know Zoe’s childhood with her biological father will always have changed her.
But Zoe’s trauma doesn’t give her the right to mistreat others, especially the people who have helped and supported her more than anyone. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If anything, I would maybe advise the grandparents to not take her in either because it sounds like she’s the type to mistreat and take advantage of everyone, though of course, I don’t know how they would handle her attitude.
Instead, maybe the last thing you do for her could be the first payment on an apartment and that’s it. A month is plenty of time to find a job. Her having trauma is not an excuse to traumatize others. Though it seems she picked up the narcissistic traits from her bio dad, so it’s just more manipulation really.
But you shouldn’t feel guilty. Sometimes family is toxic and ‘never turn your back on family’ honestly sounds like a cartoon moral pulled from a fast and furious movie. Was it your sister or Zoe who said that?” User
Another User Comments:
“Being traumatized and/or mistreated can explain toxic behavior like this.
The thing is, there’s a difference between explanations and excuses. Nothing excuses terrible behavior.
What Zoe is doing is emotionally abusive, and she’s attempting to financially abuse you, your husband, and Bea.
You’ve done your best to help Zoe, but it’s clear she doesn’t want it.
She stopped being entitled to your money and support when she turned 18. Supporting her past that point proves you had good intentions. Refusing unspoken but reasonable conditions is enough justification to withdraw your support.
NTJ.” JasperNeils
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Trauma does change people but everyone chooses how to act because of it.
You either let it break you and you start hating a world because of what happened to you or you learn from it and became a better person. Since she doesn’t understand that and it’s being rude to a person who helps provide for her and who has been there for her, she can go live on her own.
I would only forgive her if she apologize and agrees to continue therapy and possibly even find some meetings for people who suffered trauma. She really needs to realize that some people have it worse than her but yet continue to be nice to everybody.” celestina047
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she needs a much harsher lesson than you’re giving imo. She didn’t only demean and insult your husband and her provider, she disrespected and ignored everything you’ve both sacrificed for her.
As someone who has been mistreated, my issues do not justify being a downright horrible worthless person, and it seems your daughter doesn’t understand that.
So yeah, do the bare minimum legally required to get her out of your house, then cut her off, This isn’t only for your sake, but ultimately hardship might make her more understanding. And you need to take care of your other daughter, whom I’m sure would be affected by and possibly influenced by your eldest.” ZandaTheBigBluePanda
7. AITJ For Not Wanting To Apologize To My Son's Other Grandparents?
“My ex didn’t want to be a dad so we agreed that neither of us would tell anybody that my son was his and I would move away. For the first 2 years, he was uninvolved, but occasionally I think he would feel guilty and send me funds.
I don’t know why but he told his parents about our son last month and they told mine.
My relationship with my dad was already strained because I chose to keep my son but he’s so angry at me for not telling him my ex was the father and for letting him find out from them.
I think he’s embarrassed by this whole thing and worried that this will damage his relationship with them so he wants me to apologize to my son’s other grandparents for not telling them he existed.
When he brought it up, I told him I didn’t feel like I needed to apologize because it was my ex’s choice for his family not to know but my dad just got angry at me and told me I had to do it.
We ended up fighting, and I told him to get lost because he threatened to cut me off and to make sure my brother wouldn’t help me either unless I did what he told me to.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“While you are NTJ for this particular instance your whole plan here IS jerkish.
Your child is entitled to financial support. Your child is entitled to the truth of his parentage. This is not a secret you can keep. You are doubly the jerk for relying on the help of your father and brother when your child has a whole other parent who hasn’t done more than ‘occasionally send funds’ out of guilt.
What exactly was your end game here? You certainly couldn’t have thought it would just work out.” ThreeDogs2022
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here except for the paternal grandparents.
You for not being honest with your family about who the father was while simultaneously receiving funds from your family.
So then your father talks to his friends (who you knew to be the other grandparents) about the situation and most likely not in glowing terms regarding the father of your child. THAT’S what he’s embarrassed about. THAT’S why he wants the explanation for the withholding of information to be verified, by you, that he honestly did NOT know.
I’m a single mother. I’m not even going to start about the deadbeat dad’s choices.” HunterIllustrious846
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Both decided to keep this a secret but he broke the agreement telling them is his family and he should be the one apologizing.
Probably the grandparents will start to pressure you for child visitation, do not do it until he pays child support including the money for the years he didn’t pay.
This is not about you wanting money, is your child’s right. If you don’t need the money then start a college fund.
In the end, you don’t need to justify your actions with them or even your dad, your ex has to be the one dealing with it.” Average-Joe78
6. AITJ For Yelling At My Mother-In-Law For Coming Unannounced?
“My MIL is mentally unwell and has struggled with mental health issues her whole life. She’s been diagnosed with bipolar, depression, PTSD, and other things and is on a myriad of medications. She’s almost 70 and has been alone since my fiancé was young.
My fiancé and I have been together for 8 years and his mother has been a source of fights and disagreements throughout our relationship.
He is the only family that still sees and looks after her as everyone else has given up on her.
She has good and bad days, when she’s good I absolutely love being around her, she’s funny and she means well but the good days are few and far between.
Most days she can be extremely manipulative, nasty, and attention-seeking. She says highly inappropriate things and can be a nightmare to be around.
There are many instances in the past where she has said and done inappropriate things, especially the things she has said and done in front of our 3yo daughter, but most recently, she called my fiancé and told him (once again) that everything was wrong in her life is his fault.
She screamed down the phone at him and then hung up. Fiancé was stressed because of this and tried to call back but her phone was off so he went to her apartment to check on her. When he got there, he was told by another resident that MIL threw her phone off her 9th-floor balcony and it almost hit someone down in the parking lot.
Fiancé called an ambulance because she was acting psychotic. The ambulance drivers that responded had been there early that morning after she called them and they took her to the mental ward at the hospital, but she left. She doesn’t remember anything but they took her back and made sure she was admitted before leaving her.
We found that she had stopped taking her medications a few days before. This is a regular thing.
The next day I was home alone, and my fiancé was on his way from picking up our daughter from daycare. I decided to have a nice bath.
I’m 32 weeks pregnant and don’t have a lot of me time so I was looking forward to it. I had just got in the tub when I heard a knock at our door, I ignored it thinking it was the postman. Seconds later, I heard the front door open, and someone walks through the house.
I freaked out as I knew my fiancé wouldn’t have knocked so it obviously wasn’t him. I called out, no answer so I quickly got out and started calling my fiancé. Then I hear ‘it’s me, MIL’. I was furious. I screamed at her saying ‘you scared me, I don’t have clothes on and I’m pregnant, you can’t just walk into someone’s house!
What is wrong with you?’ I have never been that angry and scared before. She started crying and said I was mean… I told her to leave and that she was not welcome back until she gets help. (She has come over unannounced multiple times in the past, and we have both told her not to do that, we also only have one car, which my fiancé had at the time, so I don’t know if that makes it worse that she wasn’t even sure anyone was home.)
My fiancé thinks I was a bit harsh with what I said but completely understood why I lashed out. We had a talk about getting her some proper care or looking into assisted living as it’s becoming clear she cannot look after herself anymore.
I feel pretty horrible about telling her to get help, but I was so scared, and I’m so fed up after all these years of constant pain from her, so AITJ?
ETA: I just want to clarify that we live in a fairly safe neighborhood, and I left it unlocked for my fiancé who was only gone for 10 minutes max, it was also pouring down rain, and I left it, so he didn’t have to fumble with his keys when he got home as he was dealing with a 3-year-old, rain, his work stuff, and her school stuff.
We live in Australia, and I don’t know anyone who keeps their doors locked at all times other than me, most of us only lock our doors at night or when we’re not home.
Also, my fiancé and I have done nothing but be there for his mother and help her in any way we can, she has no one other than us, and we have tried so hard for so long to support her and get her the help she needs but she constantly refuses it or rejects our help as she believes we’re just trying to get rid of her which is absolutely not true.
We have taken her to see different doctors and specialists and she has a mental health facility that she regularly goes to but always leaves and after a few days is back to being unwell because she won’t take her medication. The next step is trying to get her into assisted living/care home but she needs to be on board with that and I honestly don’t see it happening easily.
We are at a loss. We want her in our lives and our children’s lives but not when she’s this unsafe and unstable.”
Another User Comments:
“I’ll say no jerks here. It sounds like she needs professional help badly, and what she did doesn’t seem malicious.
I also completely understand why you freaked out.
But you need to have a reality check. Your neighborhood isn’t ‘safe’ – at least one mentally unwell person is wandering around unsupervised. Imagine if she had walked into a neighbor’s house. Or if a neighbor’s unwell relative had walked into your home.
While your 3-year-old was there. Locks aren’t paranoia – they’re common sense. Please stop leaving your door unlocked.” SingleAlfredoFemale
Another User Comments:
“She’s mentally ill, she’s not going to change much. And you should have locked the door, fumbling fiancé or not.
I don’t think it’s out of bounds that since you were scared, you yelled at her, that seems normal, but the front door should have been locked. My family walks in, it’s what close family does. NTJ, but yelling at mentally unwell people don’t encourage them to take their meds or act appropriately.” Active_Sentence9302
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. But understandably so. She is mentally unwell and as such, you have to take that into consideration when you deal with her. But she did freak you out, and you’re entitled to your feelings and reactions.
I hope your MIL gets the help she needs but historically, it’s not looking likely.
Sorry. And congratulations on the new baby.” Skizzybee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for lashing out at her. Someone walking in while you’re home alone, pregnant, and exposed, is enough to freak out anyone.
But you know she has a tendency to do this, so you need to keep your doors locked.
And your fiance really needs to get APS, or some service agency involved so that his mother can be properly treated and looked after. It sounds like she’s probably not safe to live on her own, and a competency hearing might well be in order.” BogBabe
Next time call emergency services. An ambulance will bring police and they will escort her to hospital. She may need to be involuntarily held until she's stable but the same issue will apply.
Your partner needs to understand that he can't fix her. She may be his mother but his duty is to you and his children. He needs to protect them. A psychotic (because that's what she was at the time) person can do a lot of harm.
Time to start locking the doors. If your MIL has a key, change the barrel of the lock and make sure your partner doesn't give her one.
5. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be Dictated What I'm Going To Wear On Our Disney Trip?
“We (wife + 2 sons, 3 and 7) are going to Disneyland for a week. They have some Halloween thing going on there that we’re all dressing up for – no problem.
Then my wife starts getting Disney shirts in the mail for me and her and I ask, ‘wait, are we all dressing the same every day we’re there?’ My wife responded yes, we’re supporting Disney! I told her I wouldn’t do that. There’s just something ridiculous to me about a family dressing alike all the time – it’s like, have some autonomy and individuality for goodness’ sake!
I notice it when she dresses my kids alike. I know some people are all ‘aww, so cute, look at them dressed alike’ but to me, it screams some kind of sad signaling that ‘yes! we’re a happy family that enjoys dressing alike.’ I don’t know, what do you think?
Update: Am I unhappy with my family or hate them? That is absolutely not the case. I love my family – outside of work my time is dedicated to them. That being said, marriage and children have been disillusioning for me at times, and there have been some things that annoy me.
I bet that’s the case with most families out there. And, unfortunately, I don’t really have a good barometer for what constitutes ‘reasonable’ in human relations.
Update 2: I hadn’t even thought of being able to find your kids if they’re dressed alike. If that had been the reason proffered, I might have responded differently.”
Another User Comments:
“Hmmm… I’m kind of ‘no jerks here’ on this as long as you’re not being a jerk about it like telling your wife ‘what a dumb idea, what kind of moron thinks that’s fun’ or whatever. In which case you would definitely be t-a for your attitude.
Dressing alike on vacations, especially at Disney, is very much a thing. It’s SO common to see groups of people wearing matching outfits, or ‘Johnson Family Vacation 2022′ custom shirts, or whatever. For a lot of people, it’s a fun and special thing to do to commemorate a vacation, sort of like when we had ’80s day’ or ‘pajama day’ at school or something.
But that said, there are also a lot of people who just feel like that’s super cringe and very much Not My Thing.
Both of those are equally valid opinions! (And I personally do lean slightly more in the cringe camp.)
I would say, if you can bring yourself to do it, you should humor your wife and wear the shirts this time – or at least come to some kind of compromise like wearing the outfits for just two days and not the whole time.
After all, your older son is 7 – so in just a few short years this whole problem will be moot because your kid will start absolutely hating the idea and refuse to participate.” sarita_sy07
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if you don’t handle this nicely and act like a jerk for the whole trip.
If you politely say that you’d prefer not to, or make a compromise and only do it one day, then I’m sure that would be fine and taken well, compared to what sounds like you have a bit of a hissy fit.
It also sounds like you don’t like Disneyland/Disney, but your wife clearly does and I’m sure your kids will love it.
Take it from someone who adores Disneyland and had her first trip ruined by a father who hated it and decided to spend the entire day moping and acting like a spoiled 2-year-old brat.
Even though I was only 10 at the time, I still very vividly remember, 2 decades later, how horrible that day was, despite the fact that I’d been dying to go to Disneyland since I knew what it was (I don’t live in a country where Disneyland is even remotely close so it was a massive deal for me).
Just keep the fact in mind that this isn’t about you, it’s about your family and your kids who I hope you love enough to want to give them a happy experience.” InternationalWay3322
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but is this a hill you want to die on?
There are a few good reasons to do it, 1) easier to identify your family members in a mass of people. 2) Buying Disney items while not at the park is probably cheaper and 3) you all will be making memories in those shirts making them more sentimental to the family.
Honestly, yes you will probably feel silly in matching shirts. But your wife and kids will be happy and in a few years when your kids are teenagers you are going to need some goofy, happy pictures to remind you of joyful times. Because you will have days when you will want to give them a swift kick in the butt, and those pictures will give you hope that they will outgrow the annoying times.
And in 20-30 years you all can go back to Disney with your grandkids and wear silly matching shirts again. Enjoy it now because it will be over before you know it.” Robyn_withaY
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – your wife is just trying to do something cute and fun.
That’s really cool. This isn’t your moment to flex about ‘autonomy’ and ‘individuality’. Do you really think that you’re going to look back at these pictures and see everyone but you dressed the same way and you’ll get some compliments on your ‘autonomy.’ Just enjoy being with your family and this vision that she has.
Does it really matter to you about your clothing choices for a couple of days? There are far bigger things in the world to worry about. If she was telling you what to wear to work or when you’re with your friends that’s a different issue.
It’s a couple of days.” InnerChutzpah
4. AITJ For Being Upset That My Wife Needs Two Days Off Every Week?
“I’ve been with my wife for 15 years. We are both 33 years old and have two wonderful children (both very young). We are both professionals in our community and earn good wages, but like many people, money is often tighter than I would like.
When we had our first child, my wife decided to take a part-time job at her workplace.
We had extensive conversations but agreed that the 2 days off a week would be beneficial for getting things done we otherwise would struggle with (we both work 8 am-4 pm).
With both of our children, she has taken 18-month maternity leaves and we are nearing the end of her last leave.
As such, money is especially tight and some things have fallen off (like household tasks) because having two kids is a bit of a lifestyle change.
We both agree that it would be great for her to return to work part-time but got into an argument today.
Today she told me that she volunteered for the PTA starting in January (when she returns to work) so she can go to my son’s school on her off days. This was a bit triggering for me because I feel that the days off are for her to complete the tasks that we often don’t have time for.
I told her that much and I feel that I was very polite in what I said. I did reference household chores like laundry, dishes, vacuuming, and whatnot. It was not to be misogynistic but our family does happen to follow the stereotypical archaic family structure where we have a partially stay-at-home mom and me working full time (plus overtime occasionally).
The climax of this argument was my wife getting upset and telling me that I couldn’t tell her what she could do on her days off. I reminded her that these were not days off but rather an agreement where she works part-time but gets our family tasks done.
She feels that I’m being overbearing and she doesn’t want to sign up for that but she doesn’t want to return to work full-time either.
I’m not trying to be rude or ignorant but I’m frustrated. I feel that if she wants to volunteer at my son’s school and make a commitment, she should be taking extra shifts and making more money for the family.
Also, if she is going to stay part-time, she needs to accept that family responsibility comes first.
Am I being a jerk? I feel like she is being selfish by wanting full control over her days off while not working full-time. I don’t know if I’m right or wrong here and I’m struggling to understand her perspective.
Edit for info: Sorry, I didn’t use PTA properly. It was the volunteering throughout the week at the school that was frustrating. I know PTA is one hour a month. It’s not the meeting. It’s the assignments, volunteering, and commitments she is making throughout the week.
Roughly 4 hours a day on her days off. I knew what I meant in my head but I didn’t articulate it.
Edit 2: She works Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. She has Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday off. 4 days off I guess but we work on things together on the weekend which is why I said 2.
I’m not a part-time dad. I do every chore she does just as she does every chore I do. We work together and have a great marriage. This was just a disagreement, I wasn’t trying to divorce her or murder her for the decision.
Not everything is a MAJOR thing.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I think people misinterpreted the original schedule and situation.
It sounds like once you had kids, because of the added domestic labor in raising a family, your wife reduced paid work by 2 days per week.
She’s doing 2 days of unpaid at-home work. You both share responsibilities on weekends.
She wants to be involved at school during this unpaid work. You feel frustrated because you feel the decision was to change her family contribution from full-time paid work, to unpaid work at home – not elsewhere.
I think other comments aptly contribute to the discussion on whether unpaid work at your children’s school is an appropriate contribution to your family’s unpaid domestic labor.
If your wife returned to full-time paid work, it sounds like your assumption is that you would pay for services like house cleaning, lawn care, etc to cover the things your wife can no longer do.
Does your wife share this assumption? If the kids are now entering school, does your wife think there is less at-home labor required?
I ultimately think this is mostly a misunderstanding, with the caveat that you jumped to conclusions and have a bias toward wanting more housekeeping vs child-rearing.” harriedhag
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You can absolutely have a conversation about time and chores and who does what and making sure stuff gets done.
Your edit says you do all the chores she does, but that can’t be true if she is at home/part-time, you are full-time, and are worried about her volunteer hours taking up time to get household work done.
Also, you didn’t discuss it with her – hey, are you going to be able to handle everything?- you just went right to being worried and telling her what to do.
What’s worse is that you don’t even consider the value of her volunteering at your kid’s school.
My mom worked part-time and did a fair amount of stuff at school, and her being involved was amazing for our relationship, and my social life (cool mom) and she was able to really help me and my sister with accessing extracurriculars and having pulse on what was happening at school.
Sure, not everyone has the means or is interested in doing that kind of stuff, and parents can be just as great not volunteering for school, but there are benefits to it that you aren’t even considering.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You had an agreement
FURTHER AND MORE IMPORTANTLY. This volunteering is taking at least one job away from someone. How many more ‘volunteers’ have they got filling what should be paid roles?
So, your family is losing out on her full-time salary, a clean, tidy, non-chaotic household, and time concentrating on the children (which is what stay-at-home mom is there for no?) So an organization can get away with using free labor, doing at least one family out of a wage, and increasing benefits made from the taxpayer’s coffer.
Really not a smart move for society, not a smart move for your children (they’ll now be hustled in the mornings every day, as you’ll both have to get into work (paid /unpaid), and both parents will be frazzled at the end of each day, so children will lose out on a relaxed patient guide whilst doing homework.
Given her skill set, the head will pile more and more work on the wife, for free. That’s how it works.
So no, you are NTJ. Your wife isn’t thinking this through. That school is refusing to staff itself properly. In a situation like that the very best thing she could do for Her children is giving them as much 1-1 learning attention as possible.
Reading with them, days out to places on teacher training days (maybe just to look at whatever they’ve been learning about) extra tuition.” Fit_General7058
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Why do you see your wife’s unpaid labor as something you are entitled to?
She.
Is. Not. The. Family. Maid. Perhaps the stereotypical archaic family archetype is not serving her well, and she needs more, she’s telling you this. Therefore it shouldn’t serve you well, just because you benefit from it the most (and you do).
This is not a small thing, this is a big thing.
It’s small because her time is not as important to you.
She’s not even using her days and time off for herself, it’s to volunteer for her children’s school… so she can be an involved parent, which benefits YOUR kids. The payment may not be monetary, but there’s a real benefit to that for your family.
No doubt you’re an involved dad and you do tasks too. But how many things do you leave for her to get to on her days off? How much of the emotional and logistical workload are you carrying in the home, or is she generally in charge of it, as what tends to happen in traditional structures?
In other words, reassess your situation, and respect her work and her role in your partnership (paid and unpaid).” AdministrativeWave20
Life has changed. Your eldest is heading into school and your wife wants to be included. That's fine. But what I would suggest is that you hire someone a couple of hours a week (or more) to clean and do a load of laundry or two. That will come out of the money your wife makes. You aren't getting anything at the moment so you will still end up ahead.
The other option is the two days that you have together, you use half of that to do all the chores together.
It is what it is. It won't stay like this forever. The kids can help too and you can all work together. Sacrifices need to be made. They may be financial or physical.
3. AITJ For Telling My Mother-In-Law To Stop Crying All The Time?
“I (23f) had my baby girl… four months ago.
It was a traumatic birth experience, as things didn’t go according to plan, but anyways we both made it and baby girl is thriving and is just the most precious bean. MIL has been kind enough to be with us all throughout these months, she really does help out a lot, from cleaning to cooking.
My husband and I are grateful and tell her that almost every day.
But one thing she does that’s been getting on my nerves lately is that when she plays with the baby, she starts crying saying how precious she is, and how she reminds her of when her kids were babies.
She doesn’t cry full blown but like little sobs, it is annoying. My husband doesn’t mind, and neither did my mom or sis when they were here and she did it in front of them so I never said anything.
But a couple of days ago, it was only her and I in the house, she was playing with the baby while I was fixing a sandwich when I came back in the room I saw her sobbing again, I kind of lost it this time and told her (didn’t yell or anything) that she shouldn’t cry every day, it really bothers me and might even impact the baby as MIL does spend a lot of time with her.
She became serious and said that she was just an emotional person and that baby is too young to be impacted by anything. We didn’t argue much further, but I let her know my annoyance with the topic.
She left when my husband arrived and didn’t stay for dinner.
He obviously sensed that something was wrong, I told him what it was and he told me that I messed up, and should apologize since she helps a lot. Mom and sis on the other have also been on my back about being impolite to MIL, but honest to God I wasn’t being rude or anything just letting her know my feelings.
I have tried to forgo this matter, but it doesn’t seem like she’s forgetting about it as she’s been coming to help but isn’t as chatty as she used to be.
AITJ? Should I apologize?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Crying at every little thing must get annoying for you sure, I think addressing it at the moment when she was already flooded with emotion was a little tactless.
I’m a crier, I can’t help it. I can feel tears starting if I think about something emotional for too long. I hate it. So if you do address this with her, keep in mind it’s probably not something she can control.
To address your last question, if you want a good relationship with her, I think an apology would go a long way.
Something to the effect of ‘I’m sorry that I criticized you for crying so often. It’s not something that I’m used to and has been causing me stress to see you in that state and I’m concerned it could affect the baby. I know it’s not in your control and my emotions got the better of me and I snapped. It does make me uncomfortable to see you in tears with the baby so often, what can we do so we’re both comfortable when it happens again?'” Opposite_Lettuce
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. My dear, by your own admission, she’s ‘helping out a lot’, and you’re willing to toss that just because she’s sobbing (quietly! No doubt self-consciously!) out of real happiness over being a grandmother? Yes, of course, you should apologize. Profusely.
This all is quite naturally stirring up her feelings, and she is entitled to them.
Yes, it’s a bit over the top and perhaps worthy of check-in with your husband, but hardly rises to the level of direct confrontation. She is correct that the baby won’t care one way or another. Are you perhaps displacing some other frustration/irritation onto this?” Shoereader
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I would also be immensely annoyed if someone cried every day at my home, to my child. I think it is totally appropriate to address it, and it seems from your version of events, you did it kindly.
You don’t have to apologize for every time someone is hurt, only when you hurt them.
Her feelings and comfort are not more important than yours, and that is your home and your child, and this has been going on for months. Her being sensitive or ‘that’s just how she is’ doesn’t mean you can never address things that bother you.
And she isn’t a jerk either until she makes this a bigger deal. I get being emotional, and I also get being hurt when someone tells you that you are annoying them. But she needs to shake it off.
You can raise it again: Sorry MIL that your feelings are hurt, and I want you to know I appreciate your help, all that you do, and your bond with our child.
But, as a new mom, the crying towards my child is something that bothers me to see, and I tried to raise it as gently as I could.
You can even start with just the first sentence, add the second if necessary, but do not apologize for the underlying issue of her crying daily to your child.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
I’m sorry that people can’t be cold, unfeeling robots in your vicinity or the baby.
Seriously, what did you expect? People, at least most people, have emotions and should be able to show them. Her crying does not endanger the baby.
The baby doesn’t even realize what’s going on at this point. She’s 4 months old and doesn’t have a concept of what’s going on around her.
MIL is feeling nostalgic, perhaps doesn’t have a daughter of herself or worse, maybe had a miscarriage in the past. Even if all of this is still speculation, the fact remains that your MIL is only human.
Sometimes things will cause our emotions to swell and become too much.
I’ve seen fully grown men, rough and tough, start to sob like little kids, because their newborn wrapped their hands around the man’s pinky. Have seen plenty of women of various ages become clucky and motherly at the sight and sound of a baby cooing.
MIL has been staying with you for four months, helping you with all these issues and her thanks for that is being scolded for being human.
‘but honest to God I wasn’t being rude or anything just letting her know my feelings.’
Kinda hypocritical, isn’t it?
You’re allowed to let your feelings explode out of nowhere while telling MIL that she needs to become cold as ice and basically not show emotion around your kid.
YTJ
Crying around a baby won’t impact them. Being cold and unfeeling WILL impact babies.” Shifting2Wolf
2. AITJ For Not Wanting To Apologize To My Brother?
“I (22f) am my mom’s (38f) oldest child. She wasn’t with my dad for very long, and he didn’t stay around either. Two years after I was born, she met my stepfather Ian (42m) and they got married by the time I was 4 and my brother Jay (18m) was born soon after.
We have two younger sisters 14&12.
It’s no secret that I’m not my stepdad’s child. I’m a different race than him and the rest of my family, so growing up most people assumed that he and my mom adopted me until they were told otherwise.
Ian was a great dad to me, though, he never treated me any differently than he treated my siblings. To him, I was always his daughter, but I will admit that I wasn’t as appreciative about that as I could have been when I was younger.
I always craved the approval and attention of my bio dad. He would barely keep in contact, cancel plans on me all the time, and fail to show up when he promised he would. And every time he’d disappoint me again, Ian would be there to pick up his slack.
My bio father has always been a sore spot for me, and everyone in my family is very aware of that.
So onto the problem: My brother and I started arguing with one another about something ridiculous. I can’t even remember what it boiled down to now, but we had ended up in the living room where the rest of our family was (aunts + uncles included).
I told my brother that he had the type of grating and annoying attitude that only a mother could love, and then Jay told me that actually he had a mother and a father who loved him just fine but I definitely couldn’t say the same.
The whole room got quiet once everyone realized what he said, and Ian started getting onto him for it but I just grabbed my keys off the side table and left for my apartment so I didn’t hear the rest of that.
I got a few calls and texts from everyone for the rest of the night just asking me to come back, but I shut my phone off and went to bed.
When I checked my phone in the morning, I had a text from my mom basically getting onto me for arguing with my brother and then leaving before either of us apologized to one other.
I texted back saying that even if I had stayed, I wouldn’t have apologized to him, because I don’t think the insults we traded were comparable.
I said he had an annoying attitude that only our mother could love, he chose to mock me for something he knew had seriously affected me my whole life. I would never do anything like that to him, even if he does get on my nerves.
Mom said I need to be the bigger person sometimes and just say sorry even if my words didn’t warrant that kind of response. She’s upset now because I still refuse. Ian called me later and said he wanted to get dinner with me, but I’m sure he’s gonna ask me to apologize to Jay too, and I just don’t want to have that convo again so I said I’d think about it.
I don’t know if I’m gonna go through.
ETA: Just wanted to add here that I ended up going to dinner with Ian, and he said that my saying my brother had an annoying attitude that only a mom could love was not at all on par with what Jay said to me.
He felt that Jay crossed a huge line, and Ian said he only wanted to get dinner with me to make sure I was okay because he knows how deep that issue runs for me.
Also want to add that I’ve been to therapy about my issues with my dad many times over my life.
It’s much more complex than abandonment issues and feelings of inadequacy (my brother knows all of this), but I didn’t want to write out all of my mental health issues on the internet.
And I and my brother and bickering in front of our aunts and uncles (and the rest of our family) isn’t new.
When we were kids, everyone always said we squabbled like cats and dogs.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your brother crossed a line, it seems like everybody knows it. Not sure why you’re being asked to apologize.
Buuuut… you probably could’ve handled this better, and it wouldn’t hurt you to admit that to the rest of your family.
By which I mean you could have used your words to say things like, ‘Wow, that’s really hurtful, why would you go there?’ or ‘Hey, don’t go there. I’m serious.’ I know that’s easier said than done in the heat of the moment, but learning some emotional regulation is a really good life skill to have.
Storming out makes you feel like you’re in control of a situation, but it leaves things unresolved.
Also, you’re 22, he’s 18. You’re not children anymore. Stop bickering; cut each other some slack. The world is hard enough.” TheTiniestBison
Another User Comments:
“Soft ‘everyone sucks here.’ You both suck for letting what was admittedly a stupid argument cause you to insult each other.
HOWEVER, he’s the bigger jerk because he said something he KNEW was a sore spot for you and intentionally hurt you. This may be because he was honestly hurt by your comment about his personality, but that may also be a sore spot for him.
Personal insults are not welcome in civil discussion, regardless of if it’s half-joking or not. You both should apologize to each other, but he should definitely be the first to do so. Maybe you could sit down, and both explain to each other why the words said were hurtful and promise not to bring personal pains into petty arguments from now on.” Katililly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I hate it when parents force the older sibling to ‘be the better person.’ Screw that. You delivered a situationally normal, above-board insult, and he chose to take the low road and not only bring up the fact that your dad left (inappropriate) but also insinuate that a) your stepdad isn’t your real dad (he certainly seems to be, given that he’s raised you) and b) doesn’t love you (he obviously does).
Your brother is jealous and petty, and his behavior and attitude are disgusting. Your mom is also the jerk for expecting you to apologize instead of absolutely reaming out your brother.
On another note, it sounds like your stepdad recognizes that what your brother said is abhorrent and that he loves you just as much as his bio kids.
I doubt he even thinks of you as a stepkid, truth be told. You can also rest assured that everyone (apart from maybe your cuckoo for coco puffs mom) thinks your brother is a jerk.” User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. It may not be comparable insults, but you were both provoking each other.
When people get into arguments like that usually they do go for the one up and so on. If you are going to use the topic of parental love in insults then perhaps think about your own situation first… you didn’t take into consideration your own situation and didn’t think before you spoke… your brother also didn’t think before speaking.
You left before he could apologize… I’m not sure about your relationship, but both of you should apologize.
If the topic is off for him, it’s also off for you. Just because his dad isn’t like ur bio dad/sperm donor doesn’t mean you get special privileges to insult him.
It’s not a competition where u can be ‘My bio dad is worse than yours, so I have immunity’ and then feel the most offended and wrong when you’ve been doing the same… that’s hypothetical. Either dish it and take it or don’t.” xiaozi06
1. AITJ For Calling The Cops On My Neighbor For Destroying My Laundry?
“I’m a new guy in an apartment and I was doing laundry in a shared laundry room. This old woman called me a pervert because I was washing my undergarments in a shared washing machine. I had never heard of this before, and she continued to mumble to herself.
Then before I walk away she poor bleach into my clothes. My work clothes and everything. I have to dress business casual for work so it would cost me money. I now have to replace them. I call the police on the lady for destroying my clothes as she continues to yell pervert at me.
They come and say she’s in some sort of mental distress and are familiar with her, and she leaves in an ambulance.
I contacted the landlord, who said he would replace my clothes and I thought that was that until a woman confronted me for calling the cops on her mom and she was placed on a 72-hour hold.
She tries explaining that her mom has issues and everyone else understands. I said it’s not my Circus so not my monkeys. The daughter kept trying to talk to me and I told her to go away before I called the police on her as well.
I contacted the landlord and I want out of my lease and I’m not living next to crazy people.
I feel bad because I have only been there less than two weeks, but this is more than I signed up for and some of the neighbors are being crappy to me about what went down with the old lady and her daughter.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You had no idea of knowing that this woman has mental health issues. Her behavior was very likely out of her control, but you handled it properly. What if she had thrown the bleach on you and it had gotten in your eyes or mouth?
What if her behavior continued to escalate and she caused physical harm to other tenants or herself?
It’s not this lady’s fault that she has mental health issues. But you do not have to walk around on eggshells because of it. You have a right to use that laundry space to wash your clothes without fear of verbal or physical assault.
Her family needs to get her more help.
I hope you’re able to find a more suitable living situation but in the meantime, you are under no obligation to turn a blind eye to this lady’s behavior.” effie-sue
Another User Comments:
“NTJ based on the info here.
Washing your laundry in a shared machine is entirely normal. If this woman has such consistent issues with her mental health and conditions, then she needs a constant caretaker/aid or to be in the appropriate care facility. You, on the other hand, deserve to feel safe doing laundry and knowing that your property won’t get destroyed for no reason.
You have a decent landlord if they are paying to replace your clothes and they let you out of your lease.
But, for what it’s worth, the old lady almost certainly had dementia and isn’t really at fault, based on how people reacted. And the daughter is probably desperate and trying her best and also mourning the person her mother was.
Having to become the caretaker for a parent with dementia is really hard. She responded inappropriately to you and acted a right ***, but it’s pretty common for adult children who feel guilt/shame/grief/anxiety/etc about their parents.” ************-6525
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not so much for calling the cops for her destroying your clothes, although I do think given how prevalent police shootings of people, especially people of color or with mental illness, the cops should be a worst-case scenario to avoid a serious crime occurring; this doesn’t sound like the situation warrants it at least not with trying to resolve it civilly first. However, even if I don’t think it was warranted it was still a crime against you so that’s not why YTJ.
YTJ for not even giving the daughter a chance to explain her mother’s situation, you can say not your circus, but you two share a laundry room it’s not like she isn’t a part of your daily life. She might have dementia, and the daughter might have been able to give you a way to better handle her outbursts.
But no, you say not your problem and then threaten the cops on her. You sound more than a little 911 happy. What exactly had the daughter done to annoy you? That’s not a crime, buddy. I’m glad you’re moving out. The old lady doesn’t need someone as crash and intolerant as you for a neighbor clearly.” Aure3222
