People Want A Candid Response To Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
15. AITJ For Letting My Little Brother Call Me Mom?
“I (24f) have been raising my half-brother J (4) on my own since he was 4 months old.
My grandparents raised me after my mom got pregnant at 15, and after they passed I was there to look after J when my mom ended up having him unexpectedly at 35. J is aware that he and I are siblings.
I show him the one picture I keep of our bio mom pretty often so he knows who she is. Neither of his parents are involved, I don’t know who his dad is but our mom was deemed unfit and custody was given to me.
Despite knowing we’re siblings, J started calling me “mama” as soon as he could talk. I would gently correct him in the beginning, but as he’s gotten older he’s still insisted on it, so I stopped correcting him though I still talk to him about his bio parents.
A little while ago, my mom’s sister (30f) was watching J for me while I worked a little later than normal. We just moved to her city for my job so it’s been really nice having a family member there willing to look after him every now and again.
I was able to get home just as she was trying to get him to bed, but he’s really serious about his bedtime stories, so my aunt asked if she could read to him, but he said “no I want mommy to do it.” I didn’t think anything of his words, and I didn’t think my aunt would be bothered by them either, so I went on and read him the book he asked for and got him to sleep.
When we left his room, my aunt got kind of mad at me for letting him call me mom. She said she knows our mother messed up with the two of us, but that it isn’t fair that I steal her son from her because she’s his real mother and I never will be.
I’ll just only ever be his sister. I reminded my aunt that I didn’t steal J from anyone. A judge decided that he would be safer with me. I also told her that I’ve never said anything to J about our mother’s issues, just who she is and that maybe one day she’ll come to see him.
Correcting J on what to call me didn’t work in the past, he called me mom all on his own, and tbh I started to feel like telling him to address me differently would be hurting/invalidating his feelings in a way.
She left the house and told some other family members what happened, so now I’ve got my relatives coming out of the woodworks to tell me they think I’m cruel for replacing J’s real mother and that I’m clearly trying to make him grow to hate her because she never raised me.
Now all of these people are telling me I’m wrong, and it’s making me doubt myself so much that I’m not really sure if letting him continue to call me mom was the right thing to do or not.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You ARE his mother, maybe not biologically, but in every other respect, you are this boy’s mother. Your egg donor has not been involved in his life for almost 4 years, so how are you suddenly replacing this woman?
This woman who is so unfit that she lost custody of two children.
You need to tell your family, that if they’re so concerned about him calling you Mom, then they need help get her straight so she could finally I don’t know BE a mother.
Otherwise, tell them to stay out of it because where have they been the last 4 years while you have been busy raising this child.
I am so mad for you.” sptfire
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you being his mother or not has nothing to do with it. You are there for a kid that needs someone to be there. He feels like he should call you mom and, given the rest of the uncommon situation, having something that he can see represented as ‘normal’ (having a mother seems to be a huge part of most children’s books and other media) is almost certainly a huge comfort for him.
Taking that away just seems cruel.
The family members complaining about it are just wrong. There isn’t any question there. Either because they, like your aunt, are being jerks or because your aunt misrepresented what is going on to them.
In this situation I think you would be completely justified in stopping any conversation about it with ‘I am legally responsible for him, you aren’t. It isn’t your decision’ and not engaging further, up to and including blocking people or walking away from them in the middle of a conversation, unless they are very very respectful about it.” inmysocks
Another User Comments:
“Your brother deserves to have a mommy and you stepped up and made that happen. Your loyalty is to him and what’s best for him. NTJ.
Your aunt, 26 at the time, let you become a single mom at 20 because she didn’t want to stress out her marriage??
And she’s criticizing how you’re raising your brother??
I’m mad on your behalf. You did an AMAZING job. She should be nothing but grateful that you kept her sister’s child safe and happy.
I’ll take off my outrage hat for a minute and say that I’ve seen this happen before. It’s not right but here’s what seems to happen… Your aunt and your bio mom’s family adored her when she was a little girl.
They loved her before whatever stole her personality and they’re still loyal to the person they loved- and get worried about people forgetting her. None of that is your problem. You and your brother have to strike out and make a great life for yourself and that includes letting him have the mommy he deserves – you.
You might try to explain that to your aunt once after she cools off, but if she doesn’t get it, feel free to lower the contact WAY down and filter their contacts.” capmanor1755
14. WIBTJ For Refusing To Let My Friend Do Laundry At My House Despite Struggling Financially?
“I (28f) have a friend (33f) that doesn’t make very much income in an expensive(ish) city.
She’s a fantastic person, my best friend, the following is my only problem with her.
She doesn’t have in-unit laundry, but there is laundry at her apartment facilities. At the start of the shutdown, there was a coin shortage so she couldn’t do laundry at the apartment complex, she asked if she could use my washer and dryer for a while, and seeing as I was 5 minutes away, I said sure, no big deal.
Here we are 2.5 years later, I’ve moved 30 minutes away from her (I had some big life changes), but she continued doing laundry at my place because it’s helping her financially (her words). I haven’t said a whole lot because she struggles to make ends meet, but now I’m starting to feel like a laundromat.
Every time she visits she brings her laundry, hits me up every other weekend to do laundry, I gave her my spare key for when she watches my cats (I’m rarely away long enough to need them watched anymore), but she asks if she can go over and do laundry when I’m out of town or at my bf’s house which I thought was kinda weird but I trust her to be alone in my space so I tolerate it.
Here’s the thing that I’m struggling with. I have a hard time saying no to anyone, like to a fault, especially to friends/family in need, and she knows this, we have had many deep discussions about ourselves, she sees that she makes me uncomfortable by continuously asking for stuff after the first time I offer (cutting her hair, bumming stuff off me, laundry, etc).
We’ve had a few heated discussions about this kind of thing, but she still puts me in this position all the time. I’m not remotely the only one she does this to, there are lots of other examples of her overstepping people’s generosity.
She also gets offended if someone retracts said generosity when she starts overstepping. She’s gotten snippy with me when I’m busy a few weekends in a row and don’t have time for her to come over for laundry.
Now, in a few months, I’m moving into my partner’s house another 30ish minutes away from her/the city (almost an hour total). I told her this, she knows I’m moving, knows that my partner and I are leaving/left the city limits since COL is so dang high.
So then this happened during that conversation: “guess I’ll have to start doing laundry at my own place sigh… But I WILL be bringing my laundry when I do get to come to visit, haha.” I got uncomfortable, it’s not my house to offer nor hers to demand.
My man said he thinks she’s the jerk for putting me in this position in the first place and that he will tell her no if I want him to. He also says it’s rude to continuously do laundry at someone’s place when you have a perfectly good facility in your own complex but I’ve been raised to always help those in need so I’ve never said no.
WIBTJ if I told my friend to find somewhere else to do laundry even knowing that she’s struggling financially?”
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ.
Some people are “habitual line steppers.” I have a cousin who is like this and for all the reasons I love her, I can’t stand how pushy she is and how nasty and rude she can be when she doesn’t get what she wants.
I put up with her crap way longer than I should have and I ended up finally cutting her out of my life altogether except for family holidays. My life is a lot better without her and your life will be too, once you set a boundary with this person and stick to it.
Stop letting this person p**p you for laundry.” ChubbyBlackWoman
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
So she knows this makes you uncomfortable and you are not great with conflict and continually exploits it, not best friend material.
It’s hard but time to cut her off. I am also a bit petty and would calculate the amount of you’ve saved her and have that ready to throw at her when she gets “offended” that you are no longer being generous.
Has she done anything to thank you? Picked up the check dinner, coffee, anything?” Laines_Ecossaises
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Think of it this way – you were never under any obligation, and you’ve given her the benefit and convenience of laundry over the last number of years.
Even if she didn’t have you, she would have to make alternate arrangements. She can do that now. Financially struggling or not, these are costs she’d have to incur anyway.
You don’t appreciate her passive-aggressive attitude nor do you have to continue putting up with this going forward.
Please cut her off and ask for your spare key back.” Snackinpenguin
13. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Partner's Grandma Meet Our New Baby?
“I 22f gave birth to my baby girl 11 days ago. I was in labor for 36 hours and had to have an emergency c-section to deliver her. Before she was born, my family came to visit me in the hospital to check on us.
My partner’s family did not visit because they didn’t believe the baby was my fiancé’s.
In spite of this, I allowed them to visit once the baby was born. My fiancé has been against his family having to do anything with our baby because of how they’ve treated us in the past. He held his tongue in going off on his mom when she did eventually visit as to not overstress me but made sure her visit was short.
Once she saw that our baby girl was basically a miniature version of my fiancé she was warm and welcoming.
I want our daughter to have a relationship with his family in spite of how we feel toward them.
My fiancé and I have discussed this and tentatively agreed to let them meet her. They love her and want to help her in any way possible. My MIL and I do not get along obviously but she loves our baby and tries helping out any way she can.
About a year ago, my fiancé’s grandmother and I had a falling out and she kicked me out of their house. I was pregnant at the time and suffered a miscarriage. My fiancé largely blamed her and any hope for a relationship I had with her or could have had was lost. Due to the falling out, I’m no longer welcome at my in-law’s house.
When my in-laws found out I was pregnant again they informed us that my fiancé’s grandma didn’t want to know anything about the baby.
Yesterday my MIL called my fiancé and asked him to bring the baby to their house so she could meet her great-grandma.
When my fiancé asked if I was allowed to go she refused. He told her then no. Five minutes later, she texted me gaslighting and guilt tripping me about my baby never getting a chance to meet her great grandma and all the things she supposedly did to help us this past year (literally nothing other than berate my fiancé for not visiting her more often) and how she deserved at least one hour to meet the baby.
MIL went on about how she knew her mother and I had a complicated relationship but she hoped I’d do it for the sake of the baby and her mom. She said she hoped my child would never try to keep her future children from me.
I politely told her my baby wouldn’t be going anywhere without me regardless of how they felt. I offered alternatives such as allowing a supervised visit at our house or meeting in a public place but that was as much as I was willing to do.
She refused so I told her no. My fiancé thinks it’s a lost cause and we should just go NC. I’m conflicted because I want our baby to know my fiancé’s side of the family despite our differences but at the same time, I would love to go no contact and move on.
I didn’t get to know my dad’s side of the family until I was 16 because of my mom and I wouldn’t want the same for my baby just because I don’t get along with my fiancé’s family.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. LISTEN TO YOUR FIANCE! He knows them best and it seems as he’s been right about them all along and you keep pushing because you have some weird idea that awful people will be kind to babies because it’s the right thing to do.
These people have accused you of awful things and alienated you at your most vulnerable point, only to be satisfied by a glance at your baby. You or the birth didn’t change them.
They simply changed gears. Now the most ornery of them all wants back in and you think if you’re accommodating enough, things will be better. You can’t fix them. Don’t give them access to your helpless baby.
Listen to your partner and quit trying to fix everybody.” Happy-Elephant7609
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I understand you wishing your child had a relationship with your partner’s family, but if your partner himself is the one more or less wanting to go NC, I would just respect that to be honest. He knows his family better than you do, and the interactions you have had with them have been nothing but awful.
Personally, I don’t see why you would want to introduce your child to people who are likely to treat her the same or a similar way when she’s older. It’s very likely your partners parents won’t warm up to you, so then you just have a MIL who very much hates you and will probably let that bleed into her relationship with your child, either directly (though I get for the moment she is being warm to her) or indirectly (Badmouthing you in front of your child).
Personally, I don’t think it’s worth it. Wishing you all the luck in the world and congratulations on becoming a parent!” ThePunchlineIsFunny
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t want your kid around that toxicity.
They will definitely talk about you to your child and around your child.
Not everyone is worth meeting in a family. More people need to realize you are not obligated to be bothered with family.
Family is what you build and who you feel closest too. Not people who just share the same bloodline.
Go NC. And if that baby wants to mess around and find out 20 years later why you all went no contact at least its without having have had to navigate emotions from the ghastly things that they said about you.
That would be confusing for a kid and strain your relationship with your child.
NC is actually best. Raising kids is stressful enough without their BS.” queenafrodite
12. AITJ For Going Against My Sister's House Rules?
It’s a silly rule, honestly.
“My older sister, “Maddie,” and I have never been close. After she left for uni, we drifted apart and I don’t speak to her often.
A few months ago, Maddie and her husband, “Joe,” moved close to me. I haven’t seen them in a while so I thought it would be a bit awkward, but for a little bit, everything was going alright.
Maddie invited my partner, “Elena,” and me for their housewarming party. I was happy to go. Maddie’s 6-year-old nephew, “Tom,” is currently staying with them. I had never met Tom before and he speaks very little English.
Tom is very quiet and introverted. I assumed he was a little nervous to be around so many new people but Maddie told everyone that he was a “problem child.” She explained that he doesn’t listen to her, respect her authority, and is too closed off.
Elena and I found this a bit off-putting, but we did not say anything. Maddie told us to encourage him to speak English by speaking as much English around him as possible. Joe added that they are an “English-only” household.
Again, a bit odd, but we didn’t push it.
At some point, Elena and I found Tom hiding himself in a corner. He looked very sad, almost as if he was going burst into tears at any moment.
We tried to comfort him and cheer him up, but he still looked very down. After a few minutes, Elena figured out that he spoke Arabic and started speaking to him in Arabic.
He seemed to perk up a little and took a bit of a liking to Elena.
You could see Tom warming up to Elena a little throughout the party. He would always want to be near her, he would hold her hand, sit on her lap and only speak to her in whispers.
It was sweet to see them form a bond. Elena is great with children so I understand why he naturally gravitated toward her.
I caught Maddie and Joe whispering about us or giving us terrible glances.
I could tell that my sister was angry, but I didn’t know why. If I saw them, I ignored them. I thought it was something insignificant.
Near the end of the party, Maddie pulled both of us aside and banned us from her house for disrespecting her rules.
She said that we shouldn’t have spoken to him in Arabic and we have now “poisoned his mind.”
I found this laughable and told her that her child needed comforting in his native tongue.
She called Elena and me the biggest jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“Emphatically NTJ, OP. My eldest is from a previous relationship, and he speaks nothing but English. He is going on 6. My partner and I have a 2yr old and a 4m old together, and because he is Puerto Rican, we have been teaching ALL of the children, plus myself, Spanish.
Learning a second language is easier when you are taught the English word, then the translation. My 6yr old (who we started teaching at 3) is picking up Spanish quicker than his brother, who has been learning it from birth.
There is MOST DEFINITELY something else going on, and I’m fairly certain it’s manipulation. As a survivor of maltreatment, the biggest thing for someone who wants to control you is taking away your tongue, so to speak, so that you never tell a soul.
Please, PLEASE. Find out what you can, and help that boy get to safety.” Acrobatic_Value4016
Another User Comments:
“ESH. But mostly your sister and BIL. The main reason I am including you and Elena is that, while your intentions were good, you probably got him in trouble.
Had you spoken to Maddie alone, you may have been able to make her understand the problem. Probably not, but now you won’t have a chance to try.” bailahey
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I guess this nephew is from your BIL side, as he’s not your nephew. That’s so wrong.
And a child who does not understand the language and him being quiet doesn’t make them a “PROBLEMATIC CHILD.” SORRY.
But it would be better for him to not be in their home. If you knew his parents, it would be better for them to know how their child is being treated unless there are some circumstances where he needs to stay with them.
This feels like LINGUISTIC RACISM and maybe XENOPHOBIA.” Justpassingbythere
11. AITJ For Declining To Switch Therapists For My Best Friend's Comfort?
” I (22F) have been diagnosed with PTSD from traumas throughout my life. I have been going to therapy for years but always had little to no improvement. I switched therapists from time to time.
My best friend’s (24F) partner (26M) is a therapist, but I never really knew where he worked. Let’s call them Jane and Max.
Long story short, my new therapist ended up being Max.
I immediately told Jane and we both thought it was a little bit weird. But we agreed we could give it a try and if it’s too weird I would switch to another therapist. I didn’t really know Max that well so I didn’t think it would be a problem.
Max turned out to be the best therapist I’ve ever had, and I’ve never seen so much improvement before. He’s empathetic, understanding, and really helpful. Now Jane kept getting more uncomfortable with the idea of me sharing so much of my life with him and having these “intimate” conversations with him.
She should be happy for me. She’s uncomfortable because it interferes with our personal lives. For example, the three of us hung out with our friends when I started to get a panic attack.
Max and I went upstairs so he could calm me down and help me through the panic attack. She wasn’t even happy for me because I finally had someone who could help me through it.
But it didn’t come to a point where it affected our friendship. Until a few days ago when I was having a really bad night, and couldn’t cope anymore. Out of desperation I called max and asked him if i could come over.
He said I was welcome and we spent hours talking. When Jane found out she was extremely mad and told me to switch therapists because I “kept crossing the line” and that he’s not even allowed to do that.
She even went as far as to threaten to cut off our friendship because I’m not respecting her boundaries. I feel like she doesn’t even care that I’m finally getting the help that I need and she’s been nothing but negative and disapproving.
Max also doesn’t want me to switch because he sees the improvement it has made and cares about me because I’m her best friend. She also said that our relationship got too personal, but I don’t think that’s true because I only go to him for PTSD-related problems. They’ve been fighting a lot ever since and I feel bad about it.
I feel like this drama is mostly her fault because he’s just trying to help me. But sometimes I wonder if it’s my fault too because there must be a reason it makes her so uncomfortable.
I just need an opinion from somebody else, because for the three of us our emotions get in the way of judging the situation.”
Another User Comments:
“I beg to differ.
For everyone who ever looked for help and found a therapist that fits, there is no better feeling.
It’s hard and often very very difficult. So I’m happy that you found a good one. You shouldn’t give that up.
However, your friend is right, you both are definitely crossing a line.
I think it would be best for you to limit therapy to his office and to your scheduled sessions. Panic attacks are no fun, but you should learn to handle them by yourself at the moment and analyze and talk about it in your next session.
(Easier said than done, I know). Max probably does more because he is your friend and he wants you to be better, but that’s definitely over the line.
Very very gently: YTJ – Your friend’s feelings are also valid.
Yes, you get better, but you should not do that over her head. At least in my opinion.” CJennaT
Another User Comments:
“This sounds so unhealthy, you’re developing a dependence on Max, and therapists are there to actually help you to learn to be able to cope.
It’s sounding like it’s becoming a co-dependent situation. He’s crossing so many boundaries, he actually should be reported. None of this is professional behavior, and he would know that.
I think at some level, you must know that too.
Especially since you have had other therapists, I’m sure if you compared, you would know the many lines you are both crossing.
Your friend is uncomfortable and for good reason. What is happening is very unethical. Think about it from her perspective too, you’re a vulnerable person, but part of this is your responsibility too, for seeking him out and pursuing it beyond the office.
You should be listening to your friend and shutting this all down.
I have C-PTSD and know how hard it is to find a good therapist, but luckily I have one. She gives me the tools to cope with the symptoms and I am doing emdr therapy as well.
Look for one who is well versed in TICP because it’s quite obvious your friend’s partner isn’t because he’s not putting boundaries in place to protect you both.
ESH, except for the friend.” Quirkyismymiddlename
Another User Comments:
“ESH. it’s unethical for someone you have an unprofessional connection with to be your therapist. If your state’s medical board found out he could get into trouble for this, there’s a reason surgeons and doctors aren’t supposed to operate/diagnose friends and family.
His objectivity is being comprised because no therapist should be allowing you to come to their home or seeing you outside of sessions unless it’s an emergency (panic attacks may feel like emergencies at the moment, but I’m talking life or death.)” Obsessed_Til_Death
Another User Comments:
“I don’t like saying this about people who are trying to improve their mental health, but dang, YTJ and so is Max. Spending hours at his house late at night?
Confiding in him for hours outside of your regular sessions? You aren’t crossing boundaries, girl; you straight up just don’t have them!
Both you and him are disrespecting your friend. Either he’s a pushover or has developed feelings for you, and most important of all, what you’re both doing is NOT healthy!
That’s not therapy! You’re developing a dependency on him, relying on him to fix your emotional problems instead of just guiding you to fix them yourself (that’s what the sessions are for).
If you keep this up then you’re probably going to lose your friend, and end up with far worse mental health issues down the line. You’re being a jerk to yourself too.” userabe
Of course not. You crossed a big fat bold line.
I had panic attacks for years and carried Klonopin with me. I never had to take one because I had them in my pocket.
Panic attacks aren't fun but you are in control of your body. If you feel one coming on do your calming stuff.
10. AITJ For Not Wanting To Babysit For My Brother-In-Law During His Tournament?
“I (M36) have a SIL (F34) and BIL (M33) who have 2 kids, 3 and 6. He’s my wife’s brother, she’s her childhood best friend.
They are extremely selfish when it comes to childcare. Not counting during work hours (as I acknowledge we have help during work hours also), they farm their kids out a LOT.
On a typical week, their kids will stay overnight at my grandparents’ at least twice a week. Sometimes this also includes my FIL and MIL. The same doesn’t ever apply to our daughter, also 3, and I can probably count the number of sleepovers we’ve sent our daughter for in her entire life on less than 2 hands.
The main reason for this is because my wife and I don’t want to assume that we’re entitled to the help. It’d be nice to get a break more often, but generally, we’re fine with it.
Except when SIL and FIL start dumping their kids on us. Very often if their regular babysitters aren’t available, we’ll be asked to take them. My wife rarely says no, and will often ask me why I don’t want to when I protest.
I say that going from 1 to 3 is a huge jump, and they (to this date) have never taken our daughter for a playdate or babysitting. I’ve been off from work the last 2 weeks, and we have had their kids 3 times in that period – one was because BIL was golfing, and they had no other child care.
I’m not saying that they can’t do things, but why is it ok for me to use my vacation days to babysit other people’s kids while they go and do leisure activities? I take time off to spend with my wife and daughter, not their kids.
Yesterday was the issue – my wife has planned a 2 night trip with friends at the end of the month (SIL is going). That was fine, and I’d said to my mother on the second night if she’d be ok taking my daughter overnight so I can also catch up with friends.
We were at dinner at the FIL and MIL’s house, when he brought up this golf event. That date is the day after I’m taking my daughter for a sleepover. He said to me “I’ll bring the kids at around 6 AM, it’s an all-day thing.”
I must have looked unimpressed, as he asked what was wrong. I told him that my daughter was staying out the night before, and I had plans. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t organize a night off for myself to then take his kids the next day at the crack of dawn.
He protested, saying “it’s the championship game, there isn’t anyone else! You need to help!” I said that he didn’t even ask if I had plans and that he needed to stop dumping his kids on other people and take some responsibility.
Things didn’t get resolved – he complained some more before storming off, my FIL and MIL didn’t really take a side, but my wife is anxious about a potential falling out in the family, and wants me to just do it.
I really don’t want to. I can’t remember the last night I had to myself, and I was really looking forward to it.
AITJ for refusing to take my BILs kids, when he has a championship golf game that day?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. OP, I know that the focus is on the dynamic between your wife and her brother/best friend, but your wife needs reminding of the value of your time, her time, and (most importantly) your child’s feelings and observations.
You and your wife need a break too, and you have made plans to have a much-needed break. Her brother and best friend’s time isn’t any more valuable than yours, and you are absolutely right that you need to be asked, not told when you are babysitting.
Part of the deal when you have kids is realizing that sometimes, you have to put those children ahead of your own wants. I’d love a vintage muscle car, but that’s not what my family needs right now.
Then there’s the matter of what your daughter is going to see and interpret. I have a cautionary tale: my brother and his wife continually dumped their three children on my aging parents.
There was always a wedding, a work dinner, a vacation (one time, ten days in the Caribbean, child-free), a romantic evening, a concert. My parents were scared of losing access to the kids, so they agreed because family always helps, then were too tired to engage in the smallest of activities with my own children (which never involved babysitting).
They noticed the lack of invitations for sleepovers and even just an afternoon in the backyard. As time went on, my own children began to perceive the situation as their grandparents only loving and having time for their cousins, and not being important enough to invite.
And let me tell you, listening to a teenager frankly tell you what they REALLY think of that favoritism is a level of affection alienation I don’t think your wife wants to even think about.
If it doesn’t change, the damage done to those relationships can be real and long-lasting.” Ok-Procedure6647
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you are not obligated and if your wife is so concerned then she can cancel her night out or come back early instead and see how the SIL reacts to that requirement… Hopefully, it will begin to demonstrate the situation in real terms to them.
Problem is, you will be blamed for it, as wrong as that is. They will throw the word ‘team’ at you and accuse you of not helping. Your wife and you need to be on the same page to prevent that from happening.
Can’t you tell them you expect to be severely hung over and therefore only comfortable watching your one and only child?
Also, how have they never heard of the babysitting websites out there – you can find people at the drop of a hat if you try… This situation is entirely their problem.” HuntWorldly5532
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and by the sound of it, it is time to go tough on your wife. Just tell her it’s her choice if she wants to be used all the time by her brother and so-called best friend, but you are done.
She is more than welcome to offer up her free time for them but you are through and will no longer take on babysitting duty and all time is on here. Maybe then she will find out how they are using her if she sees her free time shrinking and shrinking.
Or do the same as them and keep dumping your kids on them or t least make it seem that way. And when they keep denying because they are “busy” that will show your wife how she is used by them.
Prepare to die on this hill and go low contact on them to show your wife you are serious.” N0K1K0
9. AITJ For Teaching My And My Ex's Daughter The Language Of My New Husband?
I sense a little jealousy, but it’s totally understandable when you feel like your role as a father is being replaced by a different man.
“I’m a woman and have an 8-year-old daughter to my previous husband; he and I have been divorced for 7 years, and last year, I married my long-term partner of 4 years who is Italian.
I am currently 27 weeks pregnant with a son by him. We decided we want our son to be raised bilingual as he wants to share his culture with our son and I know only the basics so we’ve started with him teaching me, by extension my daughter has also been learning alongside me.
We have a routine where every Tuesday is Italian day to keep us using the language and learning more practical uses in our everyday life for it. As you can imagine some weeks are utter disasters but we’re pushing through it.
My daughter is picking it up quicker than me, but that is to be expected. The issue is my ex-husband isn’t happy that our daughter is learning Italian without me running it by him.
I told him my current husband is Italian, she’s of course going to pick up the language, and besides that, her brother will be half-Italian. He has her every second weekend so the parental responsibilities are rather skewed anyway and I in no way need to consult him on this.
My ex-husband feels it’s inappropriate for her to be doing this and learning a language from my new husband as she isn’t part Italian like my son so there is no “Need” for her to learn as she’s not his daughter and it’s not her culture.
Now I understand perhaps he’s jealous of them being close, I told him that she will always be his daughter and he will always be her father but my current husband is part of her family too and her brother is part of this culture so it’s no big deal and how it’s a great life skill for her.
He is fighting me on this and has even tried to talk our daughter out of learning it when he had her questioning if she was having fun, etc. and when she said she liked it she told me that he asked her if she wouldn’t rather be playing.
This made me really mad, but it made my husband even more mad, and I’ve had to keep the two apart for the sake of peace right now, but honestly, I’m on my last nerve with this too.
I’ve tried to be reasonable but I do not see the trouble in her learning a new language, it’s probably what it represents in his eyes but is it so wrong of me to have started this without his input?
I’m so stressed out over the drama he’s causing over this and not sure what to do to smooth things over. I’m not stopping her learning so that’s out.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
He’s feeling threatened. That’s all this is. He doesn’t want, what he sees to be, a connection between your daughter and your husband that he has no control over. That sucks for him, but it ONLY sucks for him.
For your daughter, learning a new language is a valuable skill. It’s good for her development and, should she continue to learn languages, it’ll open up avenues for her that will enhance her quality of life as an adult.
You don’t need his permission to open her horizons, and she doesn’t need a biological connection with your husband to benefit from learning a language.
Would he have the same issue if your daughter were to learn Spanish, French or German in school?
I highly doubt it.” Panaccolade
Another User Comments:
“NTJ—obviously learning a second language is so useful and good for your daughter. Also, I had a partner when I was younger who was in your daughter’s position.
His mom remarried an Italian man when he was fairly young and then they had a child together. Everyone in the family spoke Italian except for him. They would visit his stepfather’s family and everyone spoke Italian.
Family would visit and they spoke Italian. My partner felt incredibly excluded and “othered” by his family his entire life. I remember going to a meal at his house one time and everyone spoke another language except for the 2 of us.
They were very proper, so they didn’t seat couples together so the 2 of us sat at a meal with no one to talk to for hours. It was so uncomfortable. That was one meal for me, but it was his entire life.” Sufficient-Ad3400
Another User Comments:
“Being bilingual is a MAJOR skill in today’s world. For one, when she gets older she’ll be more likely to find a job and get paid a higher wage simply for being bilingual. It’s really pathetic that your ex is putting his ego before something that could give your daughter a major leg up in the world, he’s not being a good parent.
NTA your ex is behaving like a jealous with control issues at the detriment of your daughter.
Please keep an eye out for parental alienation and document EVERYTHING. I wouldn’t be surprised if your ex tried to poison your daughter against you because you wouldn’t bend to his will.” puddlespuddled
8. AITJ For Refusing To Take My Daughter To My Ex Husband's Wedding?
I’d just tell her the truth and then let the daughter decide for herself if she still wants to attend the wedding and find a way to get there.
“My (42F) ex-husband (45M) and I were together for 20 years.
We had a beautiful daughter together, Joceline (14F). We got a divorce 5 years ago due to infidelity on his part. I was devastated. He was the love of my life and he betrayed all of the trust and loyalty we had built up.
To make matters worse, he ended up in a relationship with the woman he had an affair on me with. They got engaged one year later and are set to be married in two weeks.
Honestly, I still am heartbroken over my divorce. It’s hurtful to me that we were together for 20 years, and he could just go fall in love with someone else, as if I was nothing.
However, Joceline was only 9 when we divorced, and he’s a great father so I would never want to come in between their bond. Joceline loves his fiancée as she’s very sweet to her, but she doesn’t know the reason why her dad and I divorced, I want to tell her when she’s a bit older and he doesn’t want to tell her at all.
Anyways, I compromised with him that Joceline could come to the wedding, but that he would have to provide the transportation to and from the wedding, as I want no part of it.
I don’t want to drop my daughter off at his wedding, I don’t want to see all the decorations and the happy guests, it’d just be too much for me.
I didn’t tell him all of that obviously, but he agreed.
Today he calls me and asks if he can ask for a huge favor. It turns out that his future in-laws are flying in the morning of the wedding, and he has to go pick them up, therefore he can’t pick up my daughter the day of and wanted to ask if I could take her.
I said absolutely not and asked why he can’t pick her up the day before when she gets off of school. He said he doesn’t want to make the drive twice, and that he will likely not have time as he has to prepare for the rehearsal dinner.
I asked why can’t the bride pick up her parents, he said she’ll be getting her hair done and won’t be able to. I laughed and told him there was no way I’d take my daughter, and that he’d have to figure it out.
Boy, why did I say that? My daughter ran downstairs crying, face beet red 10 minutes after my conversation with her dad, calling me terrible and accusing me of not wanting her to spend time with her dad.
I told her that’s not the case and she demanded to know why I couldn’t take her, I couldn’t give her an answer and she ran upstairs crying. Now I’m getting messages from his family calling me “heartless” and “cold” and a “witch” for trying to “ruin his special day over a relationship that is long over”.
My family understands my point of view. But I feel terrible that I’ve upset my daughter. I don’t know what to do. AITJ? Should I just put aside my feelings and take her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The people he needs to pick up can get a taxi. His first responsibility should be to his daughter if he actually wants her there.
And I think it might be time to tell your daughter a bit more about what happened. She’s a teenager now and needs to be learning lessons about loyalty and managing relationships responsibly.
Her getting the impression that this situation is all right, and that you’re wrong for not being happy that the ex-husband who was unfaithful to you is getting remarried is not a good place for her to start when it comes to learning how to expect good treatment from future partners.
If he thinks picking up his future in-laws is more important than picking up his own daughter, then he’s very, very wrong. The adult in-laws can manage a variety of transportation options, a young teenager can’t.
He’s showing his priorities, and it isn’t his daughter, and you need to be prepared to help protect her and guide her as he continues into the future wanting to play Happy Family and have his daughter go along with it while he puts her in second-place to his new family.” Jazzlike_Humor3340
Another User Comments:
“There are two ways to look at this.
Tell your daughter the reason and fully explain your feeling so she understands and you’re NTJ.
Don’t tell your daughter and let her believe you are attempting to annihilate her relationship with her father and his new wife and you’re YTJ.
What I don’t understand is why you would let your daughter hate you for years (which she will do if you don’t take her and she doesn’t know the real reason why) instead of just telling her the truth.
You owe your ex-husband nothing. You owe his new wife nothing. But you owe it to yourself and your daughter to not let your relationship go to crap because you are “protecting” her by not telling her the truth.
The choice is yours.” Forsaken_Grocery2312
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, why can’t her grandparents or any members of his family pick her up? Since you’re SO terrible for not taking her then they must be offering up their time and to take her to and from the wedding.
Otherwise, they have zero right to say anything. And honestly, she’s 14 now not 9; she asked why you don’t want to take her so I’d tell her.
Her dad doesn’t want her to know because he’s embarrassed, as he should be, but you have a right to tell her why you feel the way you feel and if you explain you don’t want to go to your unfaithful ex-husband and the affair partner’s wedding, I’m sure she’d understand.
And beyond that why the would you do this jerk a favor? You established a boundary and now he’s ignoring it and asking for a favor? No, he’s not entitled to a favor from you after he wronged you after 20 years and married his affair partner.” Alternative-Pea-4434
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for now. How you handle it later maybe can turn you into one.
I think a 14 year old can understand the situation. I really think you should have a heart-to-heart with your daughter and tell her the truth (not just about her father’s unfaithfulness but also about your feeling about this wedding.
After this discussion, if she still wants to go, then I advise you to try to put aside your feeling and just take her.
As for your ex and his family, they are complete jerks.
They have no right to tell you when to move on with your feelings. An affair can be traumatizing and some people are afraid to start a new relationship and can develop extreme trust issues because of that.
If your ex can’t pick her up, why not ask his family for help since they clearly had time to send hate messages? Or is he trying to say he doesn’t have any friends at all or any family members that he can trust to help him.” fa_pa
7. AITJ For Telling My Daughter-In-Law To Get Help For Her "Autism?"
“My (56F) youngest son (30M) recently married his wife (29F). We live in different states and usually only see each other for holidays etc. Our son’s elder brother (33M) was recently diagnosed with autism.
While our younger son and now wife/DIL were still he brought her home to us so we could meet her. She’s always been a little off. She’s shy and awkward and prefers doing stuff on a computer to being outdoors.
My husband and I are very outdoorsy and live an active life, so I guess we clashed a bit there. She’s always been nice and at the beginning of their relationship, she participated in a lot of our activities even if she wasn’t great at them.
She comforted our elder son after his diagnosis which was a hard blow for all of us. She said she also felt awkward and weird at times and that it was ok to be “different.” I suspected maybe she meant this as a way of telling us she was on the spectrum too.
About two years ago they had their first kid. They had some issues conceiving and lost a baby before having their daughter. She’s a great kid and we love her so much.
Ever since the daughter was born my daughter-in-law has become even more awkward around us.
We invited them over to celebrate the 4th of July. DIL was tired and didn’t participate in any outdoor activities but instead insisted on working on the computer while our son was the one playing with his daughter outdoors.
I asked her what she was doing in front of the screen all the time and she just told me she was catching up on work. This just seemed off to me because why wouldn’t she want to play with her husband and kid outside?
My husband and I spoke privately about our worries that she’s not participating in her daughter’s childhood at all and leaving it all to her husband. We both agreed that we should talk to her about it.
After dinner (yes, there were drinks involved) I went away to do the dishes and I heard raised voices. When I came back to the table DIL was crying as my husband was telling her off quite sharply.
He said some things that might have been a bit harsh but nothing untrue. She stormed off crying instead of discussing the issue further. I followed her to try and talk down the situation and told her we were just worried about her, them as a couple, and their daughter.
This is when I told her I think she should seek help/counseling for autism as I figured that was why she was struggling with motherhood. She was extremely offended and told me she was not autistic but suffering from PPD (postpartum depression).
They packed their bags and left in a hurry. Later, we saw that she had unfriended both my husband and me on social media and blocked us from messaging her. They haven’t spoken to us since.
Our son is apparently furious according to his brother. We can’t reach out to explain our side of things now that we’re blocked. Both of us meant well and it came from a place of worry for our grandchild.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Let me drop a bug in your ear. This woman finds you and your husband just about as obnoxious as the rest of us on this thread.
She forces herself to attend family functions so her husband can see his parents and you and your husband can spend time with your grandchild.
That’s why she gets on her computer and works, to spare herself the unpleasantness of spending time with you.
I don’t know if she finds your self-serving drivel about only having her best interest at heart more offensive or the fact that you act like she’s a swamp creature for not liking to spend time outdoors.
I’ll read between the lines. Your husband had a few drinks (why else would mention “yes, there were drinks involved”) and decided to harass your daughter-in-law. You didn’t mind because he what he said “might have been a bit harsh but nothing untrue.
Which is AH code for being deplorable is okay as long you stick to the brutal truth AS YOU SEE IT.
Meanwhile, you describe her as participating “in a lot of our activities even if she wasn’t great at them” in the beginning, ” she’s always been a little off” and “she stormed off crying”.
Good thing you were there to follow her to explain how she so messed up that she needs therapy. The way you describe her demonstrates that you don’t respect her as a person.
Not at all.
I don’t think that your son is going to give your husband another chance to play tipsy narc with her or you another chance to go right behind him tearing her down some more.
Good for them. YTJ in every conceivable way.” theloveburts
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I will speak here as the autistic that I am. You and your husband were extremely incisive and tactless in dealing with this matter.
Not only with your daughter-in-law, but it’s also evident in how you talk about your son’s autism, you treat it like a problem to be solved, and that’s wrong and disrespectful, and it’s ableism.
If you noticed a change in your daughter-in-law’s behavior and saw a problem with it, you should have put yourself in a place of empathy and asked if she needed help, if something happened. If she felt comfortable opening it up to you, great, if not, you should let it go.
After all, it’s not your job to dictate what proper behavior someone should have. And if she didn’t feel comfortable talking about PPD with you, it’s probably because of your previous behavior.
And even if you’re right, and she’s on the spectrum, you were even more insensitive to her.
It’s not wrong to point out signs of autism in someone, finding yourself neurodivergent is liberating, it explains a lot in our lives, takes a weight off our shoulders, and gives us belonging.
But in this case, I say again, you were pointing out something that, for you and your husband, is a defect. If she really is autistic she is under no obligation to behave like a neurotypical mother, she is not “not participating in her daughter’s childhood at all and leaving it all to her husband” as you think, she just has an atypical way of having this experience.
And this is NOT a problem to be fixed.
Furthermore, your perception of autism makes me think that you aren’t able to respect or try to understand you son’s autistic traits, since ” his diagnosis was a hard blow for all of us” Also, autism is genetic; don’t expect all your grandchildren to be “normal” like you probably want them to be.
Try to study and dispel your prejudices about autism.” AutisticKoala39
Another User Comments:
“Holy crap. You see them for a short period of time, during which a working mother is tired and takes the opportunity to catch up on work when there are other adults to help out with the kid, incidentally also giving you quality time with your son and grandchild, and due to this ONE INSTANCE, you immediately jump to the conclusion she has checked out of her daughter’s entire existence, that she always works over spending time with her daughter, that your son is such an incompetent that he won’t have addressed this, and therefore it is up to you to STEP UP TO THE PLATE.
You decide you must SAY SOMETHING.
Not anything that is actually caring or involves double checking any of your assumptions with your son about their day-to-day lives when you aren’t invading their home and disrupting their day-to-day routine mind.
Nope. Instead, your wisdom is so great apparently the correct solution was to GET at the dinner table, assume that every one of the conclusions you have pulled from your bowels is incontrovertibly incorrect, and lay into her.
Good lord. Of course, you’re the jerk. How couldn’t you be the jerk? There is no possible permutation of this scenario where you aren’t short of entering their home to find both of them semi-conscious in substance-induced stupors.
You have lost your son. You are likely never seeing your grandchild again. If you act quickly and grovel HARD, completely admit your mistakes and apologize unreservedly, maybe they will talk to you again.
Small chance. Infinitesimal. Might need a few years.
If you’re really freaking lucky.” ZeeLadyMusketeer
6. WIBTJ If I Told My Husband To Quit Telling People About How We Got Engaged?
“My husband and I got engaged in 2018 and married in 2020.
We had talked about marriage many times before the engagement and I explicitly said I did not want to be proposed to in public. When 2018 came around, we decided we wanted to make our engagement official and so I bought a ring.
Weeks later, the ring is ready so we go pick it up. There was a chocolate shop next door so after we picked up the ring, we picked up some chocolate truffles and went to hang out in an outdoor courtyard in the downtown area of our city to do some sightseeing.
After we’d walked around a while, it started to get dark so we sat down to eat our truffles and enjoy the view of the city. My husband had the bag of truffles, so I asked him if he could hand me mine.
Then suddenly he’s on his knees and I’m very confused, because it’s almost fully dark now so I can’t see that he’s trying to balance the ring on top of the truffle to “propose.” I said something like “hey babe, can I have my truffle?” again, and he says “well I’m trying to propose here.”
I was deeply annoyed because even though it was dark, we were in public, there were people everywhere and I did not want people to notice this was happening and then suddenly become the focus of dozens of strangers.
But I didn’t say that, I just said “Yes” to the “proposal” and left it alone. In the years since, my husband keeps telling this story to people like it’s cute but I hate this story.
I’m fat so when he tells the part about the truffle and he says “then she goes ‘babe, where’s my truffle?!’” the people listening to this story almost always look at me and smirk like “oh the fat girl wants her chocolate so bad she didn’t notice the proposal.”
But that’s not what happened! It was dark and I couldn’t see what he was doing AND I had specifically said I didn’t want to have a public proposal. Plus, I figured since our engagement happened by mutual agreement and I bought my own ring, I thought a proposal wasn’t going to happen so I was extra surprised. I know this is small potatoes but I hate the story, I hate how people look at me during the story and I never want to hear it again.
WIBTJ if I asked my husband to stop telling people this story? He’s also fat so I feel like he’d understand but maybe this is an unreasonable reaction. I don’t know and would appreciate some outside perspective.”
Another User Comments:
“If he wants to tell the story, maybe he should be more honest? I know that you don’t care about buying the ring, but from the sound of it, it’s like “we went out and bought some truffles and sat down to watch the sunset.
I popped out the ring to propose and she just asked me for her truffle. Hahaha, isn’t that so cute?”
Maybe more like, “We picked up the ring from the jewelers and there was a nice chocolate store nearby.
So we picked up some treats and went to enjoy ourselves and watch the sunset. I knew she didn’t want some sort of public proposal, so I waited for it to get dark.
She asked me to hand her a truffle and I took that moment to get down on one knee. I really wanted her to have a proposal with the ring and now we had it, so I took the chance.
Unfortunately, I waited for dark and she had no idea what I was doing, so she was like, ‘um… Can I have a truffle?’ I waited so long for it to be dark and intimate for us that she literally could barely see me and definitely couldn’t see the ring!
I just was like, ‘um, I’m trying to propose here…’ Luckily she said yes (again). I didn’t think it through, but I’m a lucky man whose wife said yes to our engagement twice.”
Same story, different narrative, sweet for both of you. No need to mention who bought what and doesn’t put you in some “give me chocolate” light.
NTJ.” Ladygytha
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ.
I’ll say this. I’ve never heard another man tell me his engagement story. I think I’m the only one who has told it. That’s because it’s special to me and that was a special moment knowing this is my person.
The truffle thing and you being fat is just in your head.
To have your husband still tell this story is not the worst thing in the world. So many guys don’t even remember how or when they proposed.” BKRF_1980
Another User Comments:
“First off, I can empathize with why you chose to buy your own ring, to be honest. Personally, I am picky, have expensive tastes, and make 3x as much as my partner does, so I’ve made it clear that I’d rather cover all or part of the cost instead of getting a ring that I don’t love 100%.
I also think the fact that you paid is irrelevant to your situation.
No, YWNBTJ if you tell him that you’d like him to stop sharing the story, but you’ll need to approach it diplomatically because he’ll likely get defensive.
Maybe try something along the lines of: “Hey, I’m sure you aren’t doing it intentionally, but it kind of feels like you’re using me as a punchline when you tell our engagement story.
Maybe you haven’t noticed but I have seen most people that you tell the story to smirk or give me funny looks when you get to that point, and it makes me feel very insecure about my weight.
On top of that, you knew that I didn’t want a public proposal. Although that didn’t stop me from saying yes, at the very least, I would like to keep the story private because I wanted privacy around this experience in the first place.
I’d prefer if we could keep the details between us going forward.”” pudgesquire
Another User Comments:
“NTJ as long as he’s telling the story for the right reasons.
If that was the happiest day of his life and finds your reaction charming and endearing, then he’s not seeing this through the same lens as you.
That’s likely also the case when it comes to labeling this a public proposal. To me, a public proposal is creating an audience for the proposal, like putting it on a Jumbotron at a sports game or hiring a flash mob.
Your proposal happened while you were enjoying a private moment in a public space when it was too dark to even see the ring. Again, that’s not what I think of as a public proposal, so if my partner proposed that way I would think they were following my wishes.
It truly sounds like the chances of people watching you were minimal, let alone people watching and judging you for your weight. The degree of your fear doesn’t seem to match the situation.
Because of that mismatch, I wonder how much people are actually judging you for the truffle comment and how much is fear is affecting your perception.
Have you ever spoken to your husband about the proposal in any way?
Did you ask why he did it publicly? Have you pointed out other instances to him where you felt people were judging you for your weight?
If he knows this bothers you and he’s doing it anyway then I change my vote and there’s a different issue in your relationship.
But it sounds like this may be a miscommunication and your husband truly sees that moment as a purely happy one for both of you.
It’s wouldn’t be wrong to talk to him, but I would frame this more about you letting him in and talking to him about your experiences and insecurities instead of accusing him.
It truly sounds like you two simply have different perspectives without realizing it.” EmpressJainaSolo
5. AITJ For Showing My Husband How Many Pairs Of Undergarments His Mother Has?
“I (35 F) have been married to my husband (36 M) for 8 years. It is the understatement of the century to say his family hates me and does everything to cause arguments between us. But to get to the story.
I was pregnant with our 3rd child when MIL decided to come and move to our country of residence. I was 8 months pregnant at this point and wanted to make the transition easier taking her places and even giving her books so that she can start learning the language to integrate quicker.
Also to add my MIL had a stroke a year earlier, not a big one but since then anything she does is excused with that ( but she has always acted like this). She acts like I am her personal servant, but when my husband is there, she changes.
It’s like when we are alone she has Amnesia and can’t lift a finger, but when he is there, she is a shining example of a mother attentive and willing to do anything.
After putting up with this for two months our baby came. For reference to her behavior after feeding, I would lay the baby to sleep and see her come after 15 minutes and wake it up and say I think it’s hungry.
So the only time the baby could sleep is when she went on her daily walks.
Now here is where I might be the jerk. After another two months of this, I noticed her washing her undergarments and hanging it up outside on a string I have for my cucumbers to climb on.
Mind you where we live no laundry/ garments are allowed to be seen on the balcony and you can be fined. Where we live on the first floor there are ppl always walking by.
After asking repeatedly to just hang them on the clothesline I have inside she kept it up. I took them off lots of times and put them inside but she would do it again.
I got so angry on the day after a couple of neighbors made jokes and asked why there was just a pair of hanging on my balcony constantly, I snapped. I told her to take them down.
She refused and I started yelling at my husband (who know about this but never said anything as his mom was allowed to do whatever she wanted because she had a stroke). I told him that I have had no sleep for two months and am taking care of 4 children (including MIL) and after asking how is it so hard that she just hangs them up inside where I hang up all that washing including all of her things, he replied she came with one suitcase and does not have a lot of clothes so she has that right to wash them as often as she likes.
I hit a breaking point. As I was the one who helped her unpack, I knew this was not true. I told him to come with me to her wardrobe where I opened it and showed him 12 pairs of undergarments.
Then my husband blew up at me for going through her things I was an inconsiderate jerk and should show some respect for his mother she was sick after all. I had enough and told him everything that she had been doing so far to no avail.
But still AITJ for showing my husband how many pairs of my MIL had?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Is this behavior a result of the stroke? That is, was she always this wacky?
Waking up a newborn is crazy and could be bad for the baby’s health. Babies need a certain amount of sleep.
Your husband needs to support you. You are being extraordinarily kind to his mother by letting her live with you and caring for her.
It’s your husband’s job to figure out why your MIL wants to display her for the world to see when there’s a place inside. You were giving him the information he needs to understand his mother’s mental health.
He isn’t doing anyone in his family, including his mother, any favors by ignoring it.” General_Relative2838
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. What did you have to gain by throwing around the number of pairs of undergarments your MIL has?
What point were you trying to prove? You should apologize for your outburst and then have a discussion with your husband about setting boundaries for your MIL. If it’s illegal to string laundry on the balcony, then she shouldn’t be doing that and your husband should explain that to her.” mooseandsquirrel78
Another User Comments:
“Shake my head. Sounds like yet another spineless husband unwilling to confront his mom’s situation. For someone sick, MIL has plenty of energy to wash the same two over and over.
She has the energy to go for walks. She has the energy to cater to her son. She is perfectly capable of keeping her inside and minding her own business when it comes to your baby.
I feel bad for you. If your husband can’t have your back even against his mom, he shouldn’t be married. He knows his family doesn’t like you, so allowing his mom to come down and live in your home was a stupid decision.
But he clearly just does whatever mommy dearest says, so he didn’t care. Continue to put your foot down, and if your husband doesn’t get with the program, I would reevaluate the relationship and drop two children right there.
You deserve to have better support and care, not be stretched thin like this.
NTJ.” HanaS14
4. AITJ For Intentionally Making Sure One Of My Colleagues Didn't Get A Cupcake?
Yeah, you don’t like the guy, but how about try to be the bigger person at least?
“I (24/F) love baking, and I LOVE sharing my baked goods too.
I generally get along with everyone else in the office except for this one guy (36/M), which I will call Leo (not real name) whom I wasn’t on very good terms with because of the events that happened years ago when I first joined the company years ago as a fresh graduate.
Leo complained that I am “lazy,” and he hates “cleaning up after my mistakes.” I did ask him for mentoring help to generate the reports in the way he expects but he didn’t want to.
Instead, he asked me to look at his report and “follow his style.” Fortunately, I was redeployed to another role by in the same department with a better mentor. We don’t talk to each other since.
My birthday fell on a Sunday. I decided to bake cupcakes for everyone in the office as a form of celebration, to be given on Friday of that week.
I considered baking one for him but decided against it because of how I tried to share food but was rejected. I believed that even if I made him the cupcake, he would turn it down in a way which will embarrass me in front of everyone in the office.
For practical reasons too, I decided to make 24 cupcakes (only have a 12-hole cupcake tray) there would be only 2 rounds of baking. There were 25 people in the office excluding me.
So on Friday, I came into the office with a box of cupcakes, which took me the whole night to bake and I also woke up early to put the frosting in.
Right after lunch, I went from table to table offering my colleagues a cupcake each, and everyone was appreciative of it. When I reached Leo’s table, I tried offering it to him. As expected, he said no, but in manner, I find to be pretty respectful.
After distributing the cupcakes, one of my colleagues came up to me and asked for the extra cupcake that Leo rejected. I told my colleague I actually baked just enough for the office, excluding Leo, so there was no extra cupcake.
My colleague looks shocked so I told her that baking the cupcakes didn’t come cheap and since Leo was going to reject it anyway, I didn’t bake more. I also told her about the limits of my oven and I just simply didn’t have enough time to do three rounds of baking only to be turned down at the end.
When I came back on Monday, word has apparently spread to everyone in my department about how Leo didn’t “get” a cupcake and I left him out him intentionally. Leo didn’t say anything to me about the cupcake thing but I was told by a colleague that he was really upset and he “really loved cupcakes” and would have “come around if I had just left some in the fridge and leave him alone to get it.”
So, am I the jerk for baking 24 cupcakes instead of more? I mean I could do just one more round in the oven with ONE or two more cupcakes but it would be a waste of electricity and my time.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – it was unnecessary to announce that you specifically didn’t make one for Leo. If you’re committing to baking for a big group, you bake enough for everyone even those who will potentially say no because there will always be someone who can take the extras off your hands.
That being said if you only wanted to bake the 24, you should’ve kept your reasoning to yourself. Adults will always be ready to accept that there just wasn’t enough but will definitely be more critical of someone who intentionally excluded someone.
Adults aren’t immune to drama – if anything drama thrives in workplaces, and you gave them the ammo for the drama you’re currently in. Not baking enough doesn’t make you an A, but vocalizing your reasoning did.” lobosaguila
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, but Leo got what was coming to him.
This is a great demonstration of why it doesn’t pay to be an AH. You remember how awful he was to you years ago when you were new–and it’s fair enough that you do.
We judge people based on how they treat us.
Be honest. You didn’t accidentally let it slip that you’re not a Leo fan. Again, he deserves it. At the same time, when you said what you said, you wanted the word to get around.
It did but it blew up.
The thing is though, you did offer him a cupcake and he refused it. That’s all you need to say if anyone raises this subject again. Don’t get into the long, confusing explanation because people won’t remember the details.
All they’ll take away from it is that Leo is a victim. Just say you offered him a cake and he said no.
Be careful. You have plausible deniability this time because you did offer him a cake and he said no. But in many workplaces, there are strict rules/attitudes about socializing.
Never leave someone out or you could be accused of bullying.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“I wouldn’t’ve even asked Leo, so there’d be no confusion.
Either way, you don’t owe anyone anything.
You made those out of kindness and had a limited supply. NTJ.
Next time say less to avoid a beef. “Sorry, I’m all out.”
You played right into Leo’s hand, I bet he’s getting pity faces, and “did-you-hear-that-OP-didn’t-bring-Leo-a-cupcake whispers” – meanwhile I’m sure he’s soaking it all in.
If getting away with petty beefs was an office task, then you should’ve let him mentor you.” InterrobangDatThang
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You really should have baked one for him too just for congeniality’s sake, or failing that told him to his face that sorry, you didn’t prepare one for him as he had made it clear in the past that he didn’t accept food brought into the office — although singling him out even like that isn’t a good idea.
Putting on a show of offering him one, then telling others that you never had one for him was just foolish and was bound to bite you in the backside.
He’s also an a*s, but that is separate from your behavior.
His expectation that you offer him one, which he refuses, then he picks up one you insist on leaving him that he can pick up unseen is a silly dance no one should have to go through.
That expectation was something no one could predict though. It doesn’t factor into how you should have behaved, as you should have just included him for the sake of not causing trouble in the office where there didn’t need to be.
You didn’t avoid the hassle by skipping his cupcake — you just swapped the extra trouble of making one more cupcake for having to deal with this office drama and its ramifications.” jwjnthrowawaykfeiofj
3. AITJ For Leaving My Step Kids Home Alone For A Couple Of Hours?
“So I’m 28 female, I’m married to Cameron 29 male. We have been married for about six years.
I’m not like “omg, the thought of kids has me hurling.” I just can’t deal with kids; I don’t have the mental capacity to deal with little brains.
I have depression. It comes in waves, but taking care of myself is really hard for me, sometimes it just gets hard to get up and eat. The last year and a half have been difficult for me and my mental health has gone to crap and is ruining my physical health.
I won’t get into any personal details due to some issues but the ones necessary, but basically, my husband has 2 kids. I wasn’t aware of them but neither was he. They are 10 and twins.
I’ll be honest, I’m not going to make their lives any better; I’m still trying to make mine better. I’m not fit to be a parent.
Me and my husband talked. I told him that the last thing he can expect from me is to be a parent right now, I can be like a fun sister or something, but I will not be responsible for these kids, I won’t babysit these kids, I won’t put my mental health aside for these kids, I need to progress here and kids won’t do that for me.
I told him that if he isn’t okay with that, to tell me, but this is just a deal breaker.
He agreed and said quote, “this might be better for him anyway because he wants to connect with them.”
They now come over every other weekend.
I woke up feeling awful, but I had places to be. This was not the weekend the kids were supposed to be here but they were here.
I had to do things today. I had to go get my medication and I had my therapy session, I had to go to the doctor and I couldn’t miss this.
I made them some food, tv, toys, I stayed as long as I could and I rushed back.
I was gone for 2 1/2 hours. I tried calling my husband and their mom but they never answered me.
My husband didn’t tell me anything about this; he didn’t mention they were here or why they were coming.
When I got home, my husband started yelling at me saying that I left the kids alone, and I neglected his kids. I said that I had no idea and he should’ve called me if I knew they were here.
I wouldn’t just leave them, but I told him that I will not babysit them and I can’t afford to miss these important things.
He started trying to throw my depression in my face saying that If I “tried” to do anything, I “wouldn’t be so neglectful to myself and his kids,” but it’s all about me, and I’m costing him his kids.
I said that he can’t turn my mental health against me, he knows I’m trying here and I told him I don’t have the mental capacity to be dealing with this.
He said that I was trying to “gaslight” him into feeling bad for me, but I’m ruining his chance for his kids and he thinks I was just “taking it out on him that I didn’t want to take care of kids.”
I ended up leaving. I packed a bag and I’m staying at a hotel. He keeps sending me voicemails. I did get a call from their mom though; she was kind.
But AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“His actions have made a lie of his supposed agreement that you would not regret, at any point, be responsible to take care of his children. You offered him an out – you told him needing to care for his kids would be a deal-breaker – and he REFUSED. He WANTED you to stay.
Then he proceeded to completely disregard your (mutually agreed-upon) boundaries as soon as they inconvenienced him – yet even up to that point I might have limited myself to saying he was just grossly inconsiderate.
But to YELL at you for meeting your own needs? To say that YOU are “gaslighting” HIM, after he dumped his kids on you, ran, and made sure not to pick up your calls?
To use your depression against you?
Those actions make me view his desire for you to stay in a much, much darker light now. I’ll probably be downvoted for saying this but I feel that he’s a cruel, greedy, and calculative guy.
He wants what he wants and he Does. Not. Care about sacrificing YOUR mental health to ensure HE gets to play happy families. And yes, of course, he wants you to come back – he knew from the start that he was never gonna be able to keep everything perfect without his nanny-maid; one he thought he would be able to easily manipulate into submission because of her “weak” mental condition.
NTJ.” catra-meowmeow
Another User Comments:
“In my country, it is illegal to leave 2 ten-year-old kids home alone. You did it knowingly and here you’d be prosecuted for neglect for that.
Other countries are different.
Personally, I think 10 is too young to leave; however, I don’t know the kids.
What I’m seeing is this “my mental health,” “my depression” etc. If you don’t like kids, why marry him?
You knew he had them. He’s not a good parent for leaving them either; that was a crappy thing to do.
ESH.” Pogosticks87
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I get that you’re not well mentally, but you can’t leave young children unsupervised. If they’d gotten hurt or died in a house fire, you’d have gone to jail for leaving them.
10-year-olds do NOT require a lot of intervention; they aren’t babies, so even if you have the brain capacity of an older sister of say, 14 year, that’s fine. You’re basically there to ensure they don’t burn down the house or injure themselves.
Honestly, I believe you just need to ask for a divorce and move on with your life, focusing just on you. His kids didn’t ask to be born. He deserves a chance to know them.
You hate them so you probably need to be less selfish and remove yourself from that equation before those kids get hurt.” aeryn97
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Personally, I wouldn’t have left the kids by themselves, if something happened to them and you were the last adult with them – I don’t know if there would be any legal trouble for you.
I just don’t know and wouldn’t risk it. He shouldn’t have left the kids with you when you have clearly set your boundaries which he agreed and approved of. I would have a conversation with him about what you expect out of y’all’s relationship and your involvement with the children.
Is the mother of the children aware he left their children unattended? They are not your responsibility to care for though I would say if he wants to build a relationship with them, you’re likely going to have a hard time being with him and not get involved with the kids.
Your mental health is the number one priority if his situation is going to interfere especially him knowingly doing so – then it’s better to cut ties now than allow your relationship to become toxic.” TattooedCobra
2. AITJ For Causing My Group Members To Fail?
“I (22M) am working on a group assignment with 3 other dudes, J, K, and L, and the prof just added me to their group after I had no one else to join.
J, K, and L are really close friends, so I of course asked for their numbers and made a group chat for the assignment which was good so far.
I texted them how we should start asap and we should get it out of the way instead of waiting last minute. They all agreed, but then a few mins later, I noticed “J” texted “this dude’s trying so hard l**o” to our group chat, and then no one texted after that for a while.
He then apologized and made some dumb excuse saying it was an accident/wrong person. I ignored it and moved on as if nothing happened.
The next day, I asked if we could set the actual date sometime this week, and they all ignored me.
I then messaged that we would need to also go to the library for references (prof said to use books for references and that we should go to our school library) and that it would be good if they came too since it is a GROUP project.
I texted the exact time I was going to be there every single day for a week, and no one showed up. They all constantly gave excuses for how “busy” they were. I spent a total of 10-12 hours that whole week on the assignment.
I also texted them daily about what work I’d done.
I later texted them that I was going to hand it in on Monday (a day earlier), and asked if that was okay, so they should get their work done.
They all said “ok,” and I relaxed for the weekend, knowing it was their turn now.
Flash forward to Monday, and I noticed K has suddenly blocked me. I decided to let it go and assumed they all at least did some work since they had the weekend and knew I was going to “hand it in today.” I opened the document, and I was shocked…
it was all my work. No one did anything, and I decided to leave the document open until Tuesday as the last chance sorta thing (the actual final due date) to hand it in.
I texted them, “so no one did work, huh?” after that and got ignored again.
The next day (Tuesday), I said screw it, I texted the group chat, “if you guys are not going to do the work at this point, I’ll just submit it right now because I’m not wasting my time and effort for this…” No reply.
It was two hours before the deadline, and I kicked them all out of the document. Then a few mins later, I noticed I was suddenly unblocked by K, and all 3 of them were spamming me with “where was the doc at?” “why can’t I see anything…”, etc…
and they were ganging up on me, so I took a deep breath in and put my phone down, and ignored them until the deadline.
I check the group chat after the deadline, and they were cursing me and threatening to go to the dean to report me for purposely making them fail.
My prof also privately emailed me, and I explained everything, but he hasn’t responded yet. I could’ve waited and given them the chance… I don’t know. What’s even worse was that L said he wrote his work on another doc and was gonna add it to the document last minute.
I’m starting to feel like I did too much.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
They set the tone in this, and they only have themselves to blame. They had a week to meet up with you.
You kept them informed, and instead of texting back, they said nothing til the deadline and only until after you removed them from the document. One even had you blocked and only unblocked you for this reason.
If they can say they’re busy, they can give a possible timeframe on when they were going to add the parts they completed.
L had your number and could have said that he had it on a different document beforehand, and that is still only half the group, while the other members didn’t say anything about their bits.
Plus, considering it’s a group project and they wanted to add their stuff at the last minute, who and how were they going to meld it with what you’ve written to make it cohesive and not obvious that you all didn’t work together on it?
They have no one to blame but themselves. I wouldn’t be sacrificing my grade for classmates who aren’t mature enough even to do basic communication and obviously don’t care that it is your grade on the line as well.
Sure, maybe you should have told the professor earlier, but that doesn’t mean their behavior would have automatically changed, and you wouldn’t have still been in the same predicament. From their maturity level, they probably would have been worse and said you were tattling on them.
Let them go to the Dean, and when the Dean contacts you, you have all the evidence (texts, dates, and times) in hand to show everything you did on your end and the responses (or lack thereof) from them.” PhoenixRosehere
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
You should have told the professor what was happening the week you were doing all the work and getting radio silence & especially when a group member blocked you. It’s also weird if you suggest submitting it early when they did no work; in their shoes, I’d assume that meant you did everything, and if it were clear that you hadn’t, I’d be mad at you for shortening the time I have to work on the project
They’re all the AH for obvious reasons, but specifically for ignoring you and putting the work on you, making fun of you, and then lying about having the work on another doc.
It’s actually pretty normal for college students to finish projects like that in the final hours; even in my grad program, colleagues would cut it extremely close to deadlines before opening anything.
I also found that extremely frustrating and difficult to work with. They might have actually finished it if you hadn’t taken away access to the doc, but I get why you didn’t want to share at that point.
If you’re willing to bring everyone down like this, I don’t totally understand what the harm in leaving the doc open for them would have been, nor the harm in just doing less of the work than you did and letting them do or die.
Sometimes you gotta let go and lean into other people’s work habits even when you know they suck on projects like this, for the sake of the group and your own well-being.” QueenYeen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, chances are, they expected you to do the whole project yourself and take credit for you. Also, don’t take L at his word, as he could have just say that to try and make it seem like you were in the wrong.
If he truly was working on his part, he could have sent you a message telling you so.
If you end up being called by the dean or the professor, compile the messages from the group chat, showing you were making an effort to contact them, but they never contacted you.
Also, take pictures of the timestamps for the doc so that you can show you alone was doing the project. Cover your bases so you can prove you were in the right.” SilverSentinel15
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I wish I did this in my master’s program. There was one group project where I did all the work but the conclusion (no one responded to any of my suggestions to split the work and the due date was soon).
I had everything done in the document except for the conclusion. I put in bold and in red font that another group member needed to work on the last part. I emailed it to the group.
Everyone emailed back saying “looks good;” the jerks didn’t even read it. The professor must have known I did all the work because she asked me, only me if she could use it as an example of how to do the work in future classes.” Own-Safe-4683
1. AITJ For Taking My Partner's Car To Get Cleaned Without His Permission?
“My (35F) partner (33M) owns a car and uses it daily to travel to and from work. I am also insured on it so I can use it/drive us whenever I need to when he isn’t at work, which is quite rarely as I like to walk most places if possible.
However, ever since I’ve known him (5 years now) he has only cleaned his car once. This means that the outside of the car is always dirty and dusty – fine, I’m not too bothered by that.
It ALSO means that the inside of the car is filthy – it smells so bad inside of dampness and dirt, there is mold growing on the back seat because of some water he spilled and moss growing in the windows.
I really want him to get his car cleaned. I have spoken to him about this several times – I’m very sensitive and get very car sick as a passenger so the smells cause me to become even sicker if we have to go anywhere – to no avail.
I started off asking kindly. He still didn’t clean his car. I then gave him a deadline (in September) of November last year to get it cleaned – I thought perhaps it would help if he had a few weeks to sort it out.
Still nothing. I then started to get livid, and he could tell, but still nothing. We then went shopping together for some summer clothes and while we were parking I noticed a valet service.
They cleaned your car in one hour, inside and out, while you were shopping. I pointed it out to him and suggested we leave his car with them – it was the perfect solution!
But he refused. We got into a bit of an argument because I really didn’t see why he wouldn’t leave it with them because it would solve the problem.
In the end, last weekend, I told him I was going out for a few hours and would be back later.
I took the car with me, dropped it off at a valet, went and got coffee, and collected it later once it was ready. It was beautiful and shiny and so clean inside.
It smelled so good too! They even gave us a little panda bear air freshener for the inside.
However, when I got back home, my man blew up at me, saying I shouldn’t have taken it to be cleaned without his permission.
I was just trying to be helpful, and I had asked him so many times to clean it, I don’t understand why he was so annoyed at having a clean car. AITJ for taking his car to be cleaned?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What if it was his toilet seat, stinking with mold and dried crud? What if it was his refrigerator, putrid with rotting debris? Both are HIS property, but everyone would say sure, clean it for your BF as a gesture of goodwill.
Just because he owns it doesn’t mean he has the right to subject you to an unhealthy and unhygienic environment. I think the bigger issue here is why he was so controlling about it, and why he didn’t seem interested in your health or discomfort.
Why does he prefer that you be unhappy or uncomfortable? This is a problem. Just my $0.02.” MadameAllura
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Yes, it may be his car but you have repeatedly told him on multiple instances that it’s disgusting and needs to be cleaned. If anything you were just trying to help him and it’s not a good reason for him to blow up at you.
I can understand him being a little annoyed for you not asking permission, but in the grand scheme of life, this really isn’t anything worth getting super upset over. If he can’t let it go, then he is being a child.” Espeonator
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to side on a very soft ESH. I mean yea, he should have had it cleaned in the first place, but this is obviously not about having it cleaned. This points to a mental health issue.
He wouldn’t have gotten upset otherwise. I wonder if he has control issues. The blow up on his part is a red flag this is something deeper.
On the flip side, it was his car.
And you had it cleaned against his consent. I understand you were getting sick. I would’ve probably gotten my own car and refused to use his. If not a car, maybe a Vespa or something.” CounterFit1187
