People Put On A Brave Face After Telling Their “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
21. AITJ For Throwing Away My Dish After A Guest Used It Despite My Gluten Intolerance?
“We had a small gathering last week. Cake and ice cream for our daughter’s birthday. We bought paper cake plates and plastic silverware for the people we had over to use. One of the guests asked if they could use one of the small bowls that are almost plates I had tucked away in the corner of the counter.
I explained those were my dishes so no.
Everyone I know including this guest knows I cannot eat gluten. Now, you also know. Even cross-contamination makes me sick. I had just had a conversation with this person about how I was going to have to wash the kitchen and all door handles down because of the cake.
It was a normal cake and that was why I wasn’t eating it. I offered a regular plate to them but it was “too big.”
A few minutes later I see them eating cake from my dish. When they were finished I asked if they were done.
Yes. Took the bowl and threw it in the trash. Guest said that was a jerk move. I told them “I told you not to use it.” I didn’t make a scene. Just threw it away. Was I the jerk for tossing the dish right away in front of them instead of waiting?
I didn’t want it accidentally washed and put back with my dishes. And I didn’t want anyone seeing it with cake and taking another dish.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I can’t believe how many people are saying OP should just allow people to do whatever they want in their house.
I would never have the audacity to go to someone’s home and tell them I won’t eat on a paper plate because it’s too big. What the actual heck? Furthermore, food allergies are different for everyone. How can y’all tell someone that they’re lying about their food allergy?
I have friends and family who have varying degrees of sensitivity to fish and shellfish. Some of them can eat it and break out in hives. Others can’t even handle the scent of fish/shellfish in the air without having breathing problems. Also, it’s OP’s house and OP’s plates.
How many of y’all go to people’s houses and tell them I don’t like the plate you gave me it’s too big so I’m going to root around your kitchen and find something to my liking? Who raised y’all?” geminibrown
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk. The person who used your dish is a jerk for obvious reasons. As a very sensitive celiac, I am well aware of cross-contamination. However, study after study has found that it is safe to use dishes that have come into contact with gluten after they have been thoroughly washed. Dishwashers have also been found to adequately clean dishes with gluten on them.
Beyond Celiac has lots of good and reliable information and discussion on this topic. I would be most worried about your mental health and what this autoimmune disease is doing to you from that perspective. It is very easy to take things too far as a celiac.
There was no need to throw out a perfectly good dish. If you are that scared to use it again after cleaning it, then donate it at the very least. But overall, your behavior was completely out of line and unnecessary.” courtneywrites85
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! I am a newly diagnosed celiac and I am the same as OP, I keep all my own dishes to cook/eat off of. I clean them all myself so I have the peace of mind that it won’t make me sick. I am not sure what type of dishes they use but plastic, wood, or anything porous can hold gluten even after washed. It is debated even if a dishwasher (as hot as it gets) will really clean dishes properly.
I sometimes take all the precautions but because I live with gluten eaters, there is always a small chance it could get in my food/dishes. I am not sure if OP ever eats out at restaurants but since my diagnosis in Jan, I only have been out to eat 5 times (before that I used to on a weekly basis).
I actually have an app that helps me find places that not only serve gluten-free food but it is totally gluten safe. I made a mistake once of trusting a sandwich place and I regretted it all day even though they had GF bread and I only had two bites.
Not every celiac is the same, you or your mom/friend/BF may do things differently. There is nothing wrong with taking precautions to make yourself stay healthy and safe. Some folks are sick for days after getting ‘glutened” while others feel kind of crappy for a few hours.
Regardless, why would you even want to risk it?” sillymissmillie
20. AITJ For Refusing To Drive My Nephew Home Without A Car Seat?
“I (21f) was watching my (4m) nephew for the day since he was too sick to go to school. It was time for him to go home and I texted his mom (not related to me) to come get him whenever she could. She asked instead if I could drop him off and I said no. I don’t have a car seat for him since he doesn’t stay with me too often and I wasn’t given one when he arrived at my house.
His mom said it didn’t matter since we only live 10 min apart and it would be a hassle for her to pack her other two kids (1&2) just to drive and pick him up. I told her I wasn’t going to put his safety at risk.
When she came to get him she said I should buy a car seat if I’m ever going to watch him again and called me a jerk for not driving him home when she has a busy schedule.
I do not have any kids of my own but I always thought a 4yo kid still needs a car seat especially when they’re as small as he is.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, thank you for caring about that poor kid’s safety more than his own mother. That’s ridiculous of her to even suggest you should buy one and 100% negligent of her to suggest you drive with no car seat.
Depending on the size of the child, kids can still be rear-facing up to age 4!!! A 4-year-old should definitely still be in a 5pt harness. My 7-year-old is still in a 5pt harness! Mom and Dad should do what responsible parents do and either transfer their car seat to your car or get an inexpensive (but still safe) Cosco seat from Walmart to use for loaning to babysitters as needed.” kitterkittermewmew
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Did she pay you? I’m guessing not. If she wants free child care & free child delivery services, she can provide you with a car seat herself. If anything happens to that child in your car & you are determined to be at fault for the accident, you are also responsible for the child’s medical bills, etc (at least I’m pretty sure, not a lawyer please correct me if I’m wrong).
Maybe try to talk to your sibling about this if they tend to be more reasonable than their wife?” IllustriousArachnid
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Children should be in a car seat or booster until they’re closer to 12 unless they meet the height/weight for an adult seat and belts.
Most accidents occur within 2 miles of home (mostly because you’re frequently in that radius, but the point remains.) If you’re leaving your child with someone and reasonably expect them to be in a vehicle, you need to leave a seat or discuss the guardian having a seat for the child.
I never expected anyone to purchase a seat for the one-off chance that my kids would be with them. Is it a pain in the backside to latch/unlatch a car seat? Yes. Is it the parent’s job? YES. Your nephew’s mother and her schedule/other children are irrelevant.
She didn’t leave you a car seat (nor did your brother? Not sure who dropped the child off) so she needs to come retrieve the child. If you transported him without a proper restraint you could have harmed him, which would be “solely your” fault, or gotten a ticket, which I’m sure she wouldn’t have paid.
Car seat safety isn’t an option. It’s not a preference. It’s about the child FIRST and it’s also the law because of people like your nephew’s mom.” BICSb4DICS
19. AITJ For Not Following My Husband's Family Tradition Of Naming Our Baby?
“My husband (28) and I (29) are expecting a baby boy in the fall! This will be the first grandchild for both sides of our family.
In his family, the firstborn boy has always been given the same initials and this has been going on for generations. However, I have a curated list of baby names that I love and have been working on that list since I was a little girl, and none of them fit these initials.
My husband is perfectly fine with this, in fact, we already have the name picked out (not including these initials)
His mother, however, is absolutely LIVID. She can’t seem to understand why we would do this and thinks of it as betraying their family.
I explained to her that we may only want to have one kid and my side of the family has a family name too so we thought this was the best way to go about that. She hasn’t spoken to me in a few weeks and has no idea we already have the baby’s name picked out, she thinks there’s still time to convince us.
I’ve never been one to let other people tell me what to do, I just feel bad for my husband.”
Another User Comments:
“Congrats! And definitely NTJ. What a dumb tradition, no offense. Very presumptuous of a whole family to assume control over a baby’s name that should be both parents’ decision.
Good for you for sticking your ground. Go with a name that you both agree on. His family will just have to deal with it.” EmAyBee99
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I would suggest that you don’t engage when your in-laws talk to you about touchy subjects.
Let them know that they should speak to your husband. Keep the name to yourself until it is too late to change it. Then the only question is, do you want to see the baby?” lmco_ed
Another User Comments:
“Do not tell her the name until after the ink is dry on the birth certificate and the baby is home from the hospital. Just don’t engage.
It’s always (well often) hard on families when name traditions end – but they do end (who wants to be “so-and-so the 17th”?) Also, I assume since it’s initials based that your mother-in-law married into this tradition, and it was passed down the father-in-law’s line.
Just because she agreed to adopt the tradition doesn’t mean you have to. And since it isn’t important to your husband, the two of you should choose a name you both like together (as in, not just a name you love off your curated list – he gets equal say and veto power, but your list and his initials can both be starting points).
If you’ve in fact settled on a name that you both love, then that’s that. It’s a done deal and you’re NTJ. Don’t worry about anybody else’s opinions. If she can’t love her grandkid with initials abc rather than ljv or whatever, that’s her problem.
However, if you unilaterally chose a name from your list without your husband and too bad none fit the initials, then you’re the jerk. But I don’t get that impression.” EconomyVoice7358
18. AITJ For Saving A Drowning Child During His Parents' Swim 'Lesson'?
“I (29m) went to the local pool to cool off as there’s a heatwave that’s hit where we are.
Everything was all fine and dandy, we were having a good time hanging out and joking around.
While some of my friends were getting snacks and the rest of us were talking, I heard a splash and turned around to see maybe a 6-year-old boy flailing around trying to keep his head above water in the deep end.
His mom and dad were at the edge of the pool talking and not watching him. The lifeguard was watching a group of about 10 kids who were having a birthday party and no one was going to help. I was a lifeguard in my teens so I jumped in and got the kid out.
As I got out the kid’s dad started yelling at me for ‘disrupting his son’s swim lesson’ which was the classic throw your kid in a pool and watch them figure out how to not drown.
I told him he should have been watching the pool and he told me he’d looked away for a second.
I (politely) told him that drownings can happen very suddenly so it was irresponsible for him to look away and he and his wife both started yelling at me about how I should let them parent their child how they want and calling me a jerk and a judgmental person who can’t keep to himself.
The rest of my friends had come back at that point and were split on the issue of whether I’m the jerk, some say I am, others are saying I’m not and I have no idea if I was.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
My grandfather joined the Navy in WW2. There was a swim test where they said “Everybody who can’t swim take two big steps back.” As he told it, he didn’t want to be the only schmuck that couldn’t swim, so he stayed put. They went down the line pushing everyone in the pool, and my grandfather, who was an adult, nearly drowned. Teaching children to swim using that method is cruel and horrible, and you were absolutely in the right.
Ten to one if the kid had drowned, the parents would be suing the city because the lifeguard was too occupied to notice.” Herefiraita
Another User Comments:
“That type of swim lesson is for INFANTS. Not toddlers. Infants have instincts to protect themselves. Their large heads also help them to float.
But throwing a toddler into the water is very dangerous and irresponsible. By 6 there are too many large flailing limbs. The chance of panic causing them to flail and tire out and drown is very very real. You did the right thing.” Eri_Berry
Another User Comments:
“I was at a waterpark over the weekend and I happened to notice one of the lifeguards coming up to relieve the other. I noticed that even during the few seconds it takes to climb off the tower, hand over the floatation device, and climb back onto the tower, they both made sure that one of them had their eyes on the water the entire time.
I overheard them verbally communicating (stuff like “you good” “I got it.”) while they were doing this to ensure that the swimmers didn’t go unsupervised for even a second. I assume that this is simply how lifeguards are trained because it makes sense. NTJ.” terrorpaw
17. AITJ For Insisting My Sister Stop Using My Childhood Nickname?
“I (41/F) have a (45/F) sister. When I was younger, my family would call me by a version of my name (think Mandy for Amanda or Susie for Susan). As I got older, I went by my real name and not the nickname. I quit using the nickname at like 5.
When my sister had her first child 27 years ago, she single-handedly brought back the nickname because she thought it was so cute to have her child call me that. As a teenager, I didn’t think it was. Now I have 2 nieces and 1 nephew that call me that.
I have been able to get the adults to stop, but her youngest probably never will.
Now my sister has grandchildren. She is trying to get them to call me by my non-preferred nickname. We were at a family event and she was getting her grandson to practice.
I quickly said that’s not my name. She continued. I said again that’s not my name and I don’t like the nickname. She persisted. I said we are not continuing this for another generation. I never liked it and I don’t think it is cute.
You can stop. She got quiet but tried once more. Now I never ruffle feathers with my family and just stay low contact, but this day I was done. I said my name is not that and has not been that for 35 years stop now.
She finally seemed to get it but I got a lot of strange looks.
AITJ for persisting that she finally get her to use my correct name and not what she thinks is a cute nickname? By the way, the nickname does not match me at all.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I went by a shortened version of my name when I was younger as well. Eventually, I wanted to use my full name. You know what my family did? They used my full name. I didn’t mind if they fell back on it at times because old habits die hard.
They made sure to use my full name when referring to me with other people and introduced me as such. That meant a lot to me. When he was 13, a family friend’s kid realized he was one of the few who still used the old nickname.
He took it upon himself to ask if it was okay to continue that way, or if he should change it. He was such a respectful and good kid. That 13-year-old showed more emotional intelligence and respect than your sister seems capable of.” DragonCelica
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and it is time for you to sit down and have that conversation with the youngest as well. If they are a decent human they’ll stop. If not at least you know. I hated my name as a kid because I thought it was a boy’s name.
I insisted on a nickname since I was three. I insisted quite vocally. And everybody got the hint except my grandmother. She always said she called everybody by their real names. (Except not really because she called my oldest sister by her nickname, and my youngest older brother by his.
They had both stopped using these names outside of the family). I told her I hated the name every visit. On one of my last visits, my three-year-old nephew heard her call me that name and started up. When she saw that she made a concerted effort to use my preferred name.
But the damage was done. I loved her. I still do. But when I talk to my siblings about her I say your grandmother. I never ever say that about my dad’s mom. It isn’t conscious but there is a distance there for me that doesn’t exist for my siblings.
Fix it with your sister’s youngest before you form that same unconscious distance.” TheyWereWrongThen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re allowed to express how you feel about being addressed with a certain name and you’re allowed to ask people not to use it. I think you expressed yourself just fine and it’s really annoying that they were all trying to force a name you don’t even like onto you.
Also, your sister enforcing this “rule” almost, of addressing you with a nickname you don’t even like is honestly pretty weird and just plain rude.” angstywildchild
16. AITJ For Insisting My Mother Be Invited To Our Wedding Despite My Fiancée's Objections?
“In a few months, I’m getting married to my fiancée.
She and I have very few disagreements, but in making our guest list, she and I have disagreed. She does not want my mother there, and I do.
In our early stages of seeing each other, my mother was never rude to her but they did not get along.
My mother was just very cold toward her. This when compared to the way my father and his wife treated her I guess made her abrasiveness seem very rude.
The big issue however happened when we announced our engagement. My mother was very unhappy and she even cried. This was humiliating for me and it infuriated my fiancée.
She tried to tell me that I didn’t have to marry her. She had assumed that my fiancée was pregnant which wasn’t true. I stood up for my fiancée and told my mother that she needs to accept this.
A few months after that, my mother called me and asked me to apologize to my fiancée for her and said that if it’s what made me happy she’d be okay with it.
My fiancée seemed receptive at the time but now she’s not.
She doesn’t want my mother at our wedding. She said that the way she’s behaved since we started seeing each other has left a bad taste in her mouth and she doesn’t want her there.
I love my mother and want her there and I know that if I were to tell her that she couldn’t come to my wedding it’d break her heart. I’m her only son and her youngest child. I don’t have the heart to tell her that my soon-to-be wife doesn’t want her.
I kinda put my foot down on this. I said she’s being unreasonable and that it’s just one day. I offered to have my sisters keep my mother under control and prevent her from saying or doing anything uncouth, but she didn’t accept that.
She said no to having my mother there.
We’re now at an impasse. She told me that I’m being a jerk to want my mom there and that she thinks my mom is going to try to do something big and crazy. I said that notion in itself is crazy.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The fact that you had to promise your fiancée that your sisters would try to keep your mother under control but then you also had the nerve to tell your fiancée she’s thinking crazy for believing your mother may ruin her big day is messed up.
Especially after the way she reacted to your engagement. Your mother didn’t have the courage to apologize to the woman she disrespected. She made you do it. I would tell your mother to come over apologize in person and make an effort if she wants to come to your wedding.
If your future wife feels the apology is insincere or fake then tell your mother to go away.” Inevitable-Permit342
Another User Comments:
“I’m not surprised she doesn’t want your mother there. She rang to get YOU to apologize for her, rather than doing it herself?
That’s not acceptable behavior. Decide who is the most important person to be there with you on your wedding day. Your mother or your wife-to-be. I am very much against people who make their partners choose between their own relationship over another. But in this case, your fiancée has every right to draw a hard line.
If your mother cried at your engagement, what do you imagine she’ll do at your wedding? You should be backing your fiancée here, and should have been all along. She’s put up with some appalling treatment, but you’re there passing on your mother’s apologies for her?
It doesn’t sound like you’re mature enough for married life, but if you end up back living with your mother after this, wave goodbye to any hope of a relationship with another woman in the future…” the_esjay
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your mom is likely going to spend the day critiquing and criticizing.
& very well may attempt to ruin it. You obviously know this too since you offered to have your sisters “control” her. She wants to enjoy her day. Your mother isn’t happy for the marriage nor does she actually support it. Why do you want her there?
& in regards to “I know it would break her heart”. She is an adult. Adults make choices and those choices have consequences. She should have thought about that at the least before her reaction to the engagement.. FYI if one person makes even a joke of rejecting the marriage you can’t get married that day.” [deleted]
15. AITJ For Telling My Husband His August Depression Isn't My Problem?
“My (32f) husband (32m) and I gave up a daughter when we were in our 20s when we were still seeing each other. Her birthday is in August and we both deal with the depression surrounding her birthday in our own ways.
For him, he uses our younger child (9m) as kind of a security blanket and does some bonding. He’s very clingy with him around this time.
I, on the other hand, need space during this time, and in fact, we haven’t even spent the actual day of her birth together except maybe twice.
I usually go camping or hiking alone where I can feel all my emotions that build up over the year about it.
It’s important to note a couple of things here though. We have an open adoption that is often rocky communication-wise. We get updates a few times a year and get to visit once a year.
Sometimes for a few hours sometimes a couple of days depending on their mood.
Another thing to note is for the past 5ish years my husband and son have been spending their reunion time in conjunction with her birthday whereas I do not, instead having a separate reunion at a different date.
This is allowed due to them signing post-adoption agreements with us individually since we weren’t married.
Now back to the issue at hand. I’m going for a longer camping hiking trip this year since I found a really cool fishing spot that is really secluded. I’m pretty excited about this.
Between that and an upcoming fan expo, I told my husband how I feel like this won’t be a bad depression year for me and I’m feeling good about it.
He grumbled and said, “well what about my August depression sounds like you have yours figured out”.
I just looked at him and said “How you manage your August depression isn’t my problem. It takes a lot of time and energy to figure out how to manage mine and if you don’t want to figure it out for yourself that’s not my problem.”
For context when I started these camping trips he would crash it by just showing up and bringing our son using him as an excuse. I’ve had to start going hours away to stop this from happening. If I don’t get that good cry in and feel the emotions it really impacts my mental health and he knows this.
So am I the jerk for telling my husband it’s not my problem he hasn’t found a way to cope during this sensitive time for both of us other than crashing and ruining mine?”
Another User Comments:
“I want to say no jerks here since you both have opposite ways of dealing with the situation.
You are entitled to do what you need for your mental health but it sounds like his method to deal with it is spending time with family. Maybe you two can find a way to do your camping and hiking and another time do something with your husband and son.” Goku_Prime
Another User Comments:
“NTJ his feelings are valid but being negative on your positivity is not and you’re right. There is literally nothing you can do to fix his depression, and it’s unfair for him to expect you to take it up. Support him, absolutely, but it sounds like he wants you to do it for him.” Imnotawerewolf
Another User Comments:
“It sounds like you have completely opposing coping mechanisms. From how I am reading this you need time alone and he needs to cling tighter to the people in his life. It also sounds like you are more self-aware than he is.
If I’m right – big if – and you have tried discussing this with him, or tried to have him discuss it with someone else, then 1000% NTJ. Otherwise, maybe 10% jerk for phrasing it so harshly.” bailahey
14. AITJ For Not Inviting My Niece On Vacation Like I Did With My Nephew?
“I (41M) and my wife (38) have three kids (4,9,12). We also have a nephew (20) on my side and a few nieces and nephews on her side.
Every summer we go on a wilderness adventure, but four years ago we were a bit worried about being overwhelmed with the newborn and two other kids.
I asked my nephew, then 16, if he would like to come on vacation with us. The deal would be that my wife and I pay for everything, and he babysits the older kids when they want to do an activity but we need to chill with the baby.
Nephew agreed, and the trip was a smashing success. We were so happy with how things turned out that we repeated the arrangement every following year. Having an extra set of hands has made our vacations more of a vacation.
My wife’s oldest niece turned 16 this year and her mom expected us to bring her on our vacation, but we didn’t.
Our niece is a great kid, but she doesn’t have a driver’s license yet, isn’t good with kids, and isn’t much interested in physical activity. I’m sure she would have had fun looking at the beautiful scenery and swimming in the springs, but her presence wouldn’t have decreased our workload and would have significantly increased the cost of our vacation.
Not to mention, it would set an unaffordable precedent for our other nieces and nephews.
We returned yesterday, and my SiL has made some passive-aggressive posts on social media. Even my MiL, who I have a great relationship with, said she’s disappointed that I didn’t think about my niece’s feelings.
I do care about my niece, and I would have taken her if it wasn’t so expensive, but I don’t feel like we were obligated to take her. AITJ?
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, just clarify that taking your nephew is for him to lessen your burden, aka babysit and you don’t need another set of hands.
Your family is welcome to foot the bill for your niece to go though, because your nephew pays by doing a job and she’ll just sit around. If that’s not to their liking, your niece’s parents and other family members are welcome to go on their own vacation, taking her and you’d be glad to share your contacts/arrangement details and your experience if they choose to go to the same place.” Ok_Yesterday_6214
Another User Comments:
“Your SIL made up a narrative in her head. You take a nephew from your side on vacation, in no way would I assume that meant you wanted to take any other nieces or nephews on vacation. She could have asked about it at any point.
Has your nephew ever met any of your wife’s family? I wouldn’t want to go on a vacation that isn’t easy to leave with people who don’t know each other. The SIL posting passive-aggressive crap online would have killed this for me even if I was willing to take the niece because she’s purposely trying to make you look bad.
If niece did go and hated the trip, guess who would be bad-mouthing you all over social media? NTJ. Explain to them your nephew is with you because he has a job that he’s great at and you’re going to “employee” him until he’s not interested anymore at which point you probably won’t need the help anymore.” slendermanismydad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You invited nephew specifically as your babysitter who could transport your kids around. Your niece could not step in as a replacement. And as you point out, you simply can’t afford to bring all the niblings on vacation with you. I think you should sit SIL and niece down with nephew and have nephew relate everything he did during this latest vacation (write it all down in advance so you/he forget nothing).
Then look niece in the eye and say “are you telling me that you are prepared to step in and do all of this next year? We aren’t simply inviting you on vacation. He is our childcare during our vacation. If you want to go next year, you would be replacing and we would expect you to fulfill everything he does for us.” Then be prepared for SIL to start giving excuses for why niece shouldn’t have to be ‘so busy’ or ‘help so much’.
Shut that down immediately. “SIL, I am not negotiating here. If you want us to pay for her to go on vacation, then she needs to do everything nephew willingly does. This is not simply a vacation for her. He earns his way every day of the vacation, he does it willingly and happily, and we NEVER have to ask him twice to do something.
He is a HUGE help to us which is why we’ve continued to ask him to go. If you, niece are saying you are happy and willing to be our childcare during next year’s vacation, great.” I suspect both SIL and niece will stop talking about niece going on vacation with you.” voluntold9276
13. AITJ For Not Buying My Unemployed Daughter A New Graphics Card For Her Job?
“I have a daughter who is 27. She is a CS graduate and used to work for a well-known VFX software company but got laid off at the start of the year and currently has no income besides unemployment insurance (EI in Canada).
She made the decision, despite my advice against it, to buy a condo in 2020 and her EI is barely enough to make her mortgage payments. I had advised her to wait until she is older and has a family, but she also insists on not wanting to get married and has a ‘men are bad’ perspective on everything.
I have given her a lot of advice regarding her job situation, and suggested she learn an area in tech with more opportunities than VFX, she said she taught herself cloud development and other skills but that she is not getting interviews for them either.
She refuses to try just cold calling or visiting offices like I advised her to do and just wants to apply online for everything.
I also suggested she take some part-time food service/fast food jobs and actually said that they are not hiring enough which I find very hard to believe, literal teenagers get these jobs.
Anyway, now she says she has a foreign company wanting to offer her a contract to do some work which she says she can do but needs a better graphics card (She has an AMD RX 580 which is a perfectly fine card) and she wants a 4070 ti Super.
I told her to make the company pay for it but she says they do not want to and did not try insisting any further. They do not want to pay her until she completes the job.
While I do have the funds, I am a little upset about her not trying hard enough regarding my other advice, and as an avid gamer, I know that the card she uses is decent enough for most games even if not on the highest settings or resolution.
I am also feeling like she has not been telling the entire truth about jobs in fast food etc and I think she has not really tried as she considers it beneath her.
I also sense she has a bit of a bad attitude because I did not pay for her university costs because she had gotten a scholarship at her top school that covered everything and since she is the youngest she saw me pay for her siblings, but I would have if she did not have a scholarship.”
Another User Comments:
“With all due respect, advising your daughter not to buy a condo in 2020 was incredibly bad advice. That was likely the best decision she would ever make in her life. Do you have any idea how much that condo has appreciated over the last 4 years?
Her mortgage is probably less than she would be paying for rent these days. The rent of a one-bedroom apartment in Toronto averages $2400 and a few hundred less in smaller Canadian cities. She bought before prices skyrocketed in 2022. Now it is incredibly difficult for young couples to purchase anything.
Your daughter was smart to buy when she did. She is no doubt looking at what her friends are paying in one-bedroom apartments and laughing. If she is having trouble paying the mortgage, she could find a roommate or two until she gets on her feet.
If you paid for her sibling’s education, paying for this graphics card is the least you could do to help her now. It is mean-spirited not to help her when she needs it, as you can obviously afford to. BTW, cold calling is not the way to go when seeking a job in technology, or most jobs these days.
Maybe it would be acceptable for applying to Timmy’s.” Maximum-Swan-1009
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You do not have to buy her the card, but doing so on the basis of not following your advice is a jerk move. Cold calling and showing up in person is a good way to get yourself blacklisted in today’s employment scene for failure to follow instructions, or at the very least often leaves a bad impression.
My current employer and the two previous (retail, banking, and accounting areas) would make note of people who didn’t follow the proper channels of applying online and especially those who just show up as if they can not follow simple instructions in the application process you can not be trusted to follow more complex instructions down the line.
There have been many layoffs in the tech space in the last year — please at least try and show your child a bit of grace and encouragement instead of offering obsolete advice and criticism.” GaveUpOnBeingPretty
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. 1) outdated advice that you think is right.
2) good on her buying a condo in 2020 because you can’t buy one for the same price now 3) I am making assumptions you want people to say you are not a jerk to give superiority over your daughter. You have the money to help your child who did amazing and was lucky enough to have scholarships and not need you.
She needs you now and you are more concerned about her following your advice because YOU want to be right. But you’re not. There’s no cold calling. She needs your help, but you want to help on condition she follows your advice even though it is outdated. Doesn’t seem like a child who takes advantage of you or ever has; not one that has burned bridges.
So yeah, YTJ.” ParticularSize8387
12. AITJ For Sitting With My Son At The Kids' Table During A Family Dinner?
“Whenever my in-laws host dinner, the kids have dinner in one room and the adults in a different room. I have a 3-year-old son who doesn’t eat properly unless you’re keeping an eye on him.
So, I didn’t want him to eat where I couldn’t see him to make sure he ate enough, which is why I sat with the kids.
I didn’t think it would be a big deal but apparently, my father-in-law thought it was super disrespectful and sent my sister-in-law to call me twice.
The second time my sister-in-law asked me to come and speak to them otherwise they would just send her back, so I did.
The conversation was just them telling me I was babying my son and that he needed to gain some independence and become a man but he wouldn’t if I was so intent on babying him all the time.
I was annoyed because of what they said and the fact they were telling me off in front of everyone like I was a child, so I made a snide remark about how the men in the family could’ve used some babying as children and it would’ve made them better people.
At this point, my husband got involved and told me just to sit down. I did end up sitting down but I was quiet the entire time and was only answering with yes or no when someone spoke directly to me. My husband pulled me aside after and said I was being very combative for no reason and that our son had been fine in the other room alone and I hadn’t needed to cause a scene.
He suggested I try to smooth things over with everyone but I refused to since I was still angry, which made him upset with me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Screw ALLLLLL YOUR IN LAWS & HUBS. I’ll watch/sit with my kid when I want, how I want, wherever I want in social/public situations.
Kids learn by example & absolutely know from a young age when their parents mean what they say or watch over their behavior until there’s a break of independence due to trust & confidence. I’m asking ZERO permission to raise my child how I see fit when coaching proper social etiquette at a Pre-K level.” vaderchosehiskids
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Fussy 3-year-olds could need supervision when eating or it could be a fussy and whiny 3-year-old to take care of later. What’s a jerk move is to berate someone for how they’re taking care of their children in front of others as some sort of power play, especially when the situation definitely didn’t call for it.
Also the whole sending another woman to “summon” you is so incredibly misogynistic. If they were so worried about your behavior they could’ve gone to you and spoken to you privately about it.” raodek
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, why do YOU have to be the one that can’t say anything or literally parent your own child?
He is three literally a baby and is eating, at the end of the day, he should be supervised especially while eating. I personally wouldn’t have said a snide comment but I’m sure this isn’t a one-time ordeal with the babying thing.
You aren’t hurting the child and you wanting to sit with your 3 yo kid while they eat doesn’t make you a helicopter parent. I will say though just remember to pick your battles. Sometimes it is worth it to just let them say whatever and take it with a grain of salt.” Thirtydownb
11. AITJ For Refusing To Wear A Dress My Aunt Insisted On At A Family Party?
“I 26F have a fascination for wearing neutral colors and my favorite colors are those that make my skin color glow or look beautiful. For context: I’m Afro Puerto Rican and when I was a child my mother would dress me up in neutrals or colors that I loved and that favored my skin.
The only two colors that I don’t really like are white and pink, both colors didn’t flatter my skin. The only exceptions where I’ll wear those two colors are if there are multiple colors on a shirt, dress, or even a swimsuit, and if I’m participating in events where I have to wear the colors and I can’t avoid it no matter what.
I really tried wearing them, but they didn’t flatter my skin at all.
So, my grandmother’s 89F birthday happened and it was a small party, and I was invited (which is a miracle since she has favorite grandchildren, and I am not one of them) so I decided to wear a brand-new black dress with red polka dots since it was a nice occasion to wear it.
I came to the party, and I was enjoying myself with my cousins until one of my aunts (56F) made snide comments about what I was wearing, and I decided to ignore her until she called me to her room.
I went and saw that she was holding a very bright pink dress (a dress that you could wear to a club and not at a birthday party).
She told me to change out of my dress and wear this one for the occasion. I grabbed the dress and saw that it is a medium-sized dress (I’m 5’7, thick hourglass figure and I am a size L to XL), and I knew the dress wouldn’t flatter me, and even though I was mad that she wanted to change my clothing style it wasn’t me.
I took a deep breath and I said gently “While I appreciate your concern for my way of dressing the dress wouldn’t fit me, it’s not my style, doesn’t flatter my skin and it’s not appropriate to wear for a small birthday party.” I gave her back the dress and I saw that she was mad that she didn’t get her way.
I still had fun with my relatives while she glared daggers at me. I went home only to receive an email where she was “disgusted with my behavior” and “I had an attitude problem.” I didn’t know that turning someone down gently was an attitude problem.
Her eldest daughter found out and told me that I did the right thing by handling this privately and turning her down gently and that I shouldn’t doubt myself. But I am second-guessing. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – did you really think that you were?
If so, you should probably stop worrying and continue being a nice person. What your aunt did was weird without a whole life story to understand the whole thought process. Firstly, giving her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she was being nice and thought she was being so.
Once you have politely declined, in private so no embarrassment caused, that should be the end of it. Don’t let someone like that make you feel bad in any way.” Cultural-Mobile-9199
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Forget the aunt. Wear what makes you comfortable and forget everyone else.
Ps. I would love to know what she was wearing considering she thought the dress that she wanted you to wear was birthday party appropriate when in reality it was a club dress.” angrino
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are 26 and clearly an adult able to dress herself.
Your aunt overstepped by buying a dress that she knew wasn’t something you would choose yourself and then put you in an awkward position of wanting you to change in the middle of a party. You did nothing wrong. Your behavior was appropriate and your aunt is being childish.” SnooBunnies7461
10. AITJ For Inviting My Ex On A Family Trip To Disney Without Consulting My Sister?
“I want to take my son to Disney and I asked my sister if her family wanted to come too as I thought it would be more fun for my son if there were other kids coming.
When I mentioned it to my ex, he told me he would like to be there as it’s going to be the first time our son has gone to Disney.
I ended up inviting him along for two reasons; the first is that he’s paying for the trip and the second is he’s invited me when he organizes things that are firsts for our son that he knows I wouldn’t want to miss.
My sister isn’t his biggest fan but I thought she would be okay with it considering she knows how hard we’ve been trying to get along for our son’s sake and saying he couldn’t come would’ve jeopardized that. When I told her I had invited him she flipped out and told me to uninvite him.
She wouldn’t listen even after I explained he was paying for the trip and even after her husband said he was happy he was coming.
I ended up getting upset and telling her he was coming no matter what and if she didn’t want to come anymore that’s up to her.
Now she’s upset with me and thinks I’m choosing “that jerk” over her.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your sister agreed to go on vacation with you and your son. Not the jerk who left her sister when she got pregnant. I’m going to take a wild guess here that your sister has supported you through some pretty tough times that were the result of your ex’s actions.
And now you expect her to go on vacation with this man??? This is her vacation too. I’d be furious if I agreed to go on a vacation and then someone I hated was invited without my input or consent. This is a massive bait and switch.
It’s one thing to suck it up and play nice at your nephew’s birthday party, but it’s quite another to fork out several thousand dollars and burn up your vacation time to spend time with a man I’m guessing your sister rightfully despises.
Also, I’m going to call foul a bit on this just being about co-parenting. This reeks of an initial foray into getting back together with him and I think your sister senses that. You’ve somehow made the giant leap in your co-parenting relationship from just “trying to get along” to going on vacation together????
I mean that’s extremely rare even after the most amicable breakups. Like it happens but it’s pretty darn unusual. And he’s paying? Why exactly? This seems far more like you’re blurring boundaries than just getting along for your son. Yeah, no. I mean do what you want, but don’t drag your sister into whatever convoluted game you’re playing with your ex here.
I understand why she’s mad and if I were her I’d cancel and never agree to go on vacation with you again.” allison375962
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, sorry. By your timeline, you had a trip planned with your sister, and then invited your ex along.
If you had reversed the order, that would be fair, but once this was set up, it wasn’t just ‘your trip’ anymore. Springing a second guest that your first-invited guest hates makes you a jerk. On a broader issue: You get that your sister feels this way about your ex because of you, right?
I mean, it doesn’t feel like a stretch to assume that she spent the better part of nine months being your emotional support while she heard a repeated litany of all the reasons why he’s a piece of junk. Maybe that’s an incorrect assumption, but it feels like you spent your pregnancy sowing the seeds of hating him with your family, and now you’re all surprised Pikachu over the harvest. Nice that you’ve made your peace with him and all, but that’s not an option available to your sister, since she doesn’t have any positive to outweigh the negative you dumped on her back then.” AllShallBeWell
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You invited your sister and made it sound like it would be you two and the kids etc. You then told your ex who then said he wanted to come. You are the jerk here because you could have asked the ex first as you share a kid, and then presented it to your sister.
You put your sister in a bad spot by raising a sense of looking forward to the trip for her and her family, and then dropping something distasteful to the person where they either have to back out and deal with the ramifications or force themselves to go and deal with the ramifications.” Due-Pangolin-2937
9. AITJ For Enforcing Discipline On My 4-Year-Old While My Wife Prefers Negotiation Tactics?
“My wife and I have a 4-year-old daughter, let us call her Jessica, and a 1-year-old, let us call her Sam.
Jessica has been brought up having a lot of independence and all decisions are based on trying to explain to her the need for such decisions, so by mutual agreement. This takes quite some energy from both me and my wife, especially when Jessica is throwing tantrums.
Since our second child Sam was born it has been difficult to manage Jessica, as she has seen our attention getting divided. My wife has been saying it is a difficult transition for her. Where in fact it has been difficult for me as well.
Most of the time I am left to manage Jessica while my wife nurses and manages Sam.
With both of us exhausted, our patience has reduced unlike before, so now managing Jessica’s tantrums is very difficult, and I sometimes resort to timeouts and forcefully removing her from the same room as her mother and Sam (especially when my wife is putting Sam to sleep).
This has caused tensions between me and my wife and we fight often about it. My wife still insists on using negotiation tactics to manage Jessica and not using force or timeouts. In my judgment, we don’t have time or energy for negotiations, not especially when Jessica is disturbing Sam’s sleep or unknowingly causing her physical harm (like pushing her or putting things on her head, etc..).
My wife intervenes when I try to discipline Jessica. Because of this, our fights have escalated to such an extent that I sometimes just leave the room and my wife is left to manage both kids and their tantrums.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here, though softly.
You’re a jerk for throwing your own little tantrum and leaving your wife to take care of both kids. And for having a different approach than your wife and possibly confusing the child. Your wife’s a jerk for being inflexible when the situation warrants a different tactic.
Some toddlers handle the logic and negotiation-based positive route, and some don’t, and it doesn’t have to be applied in all situations anyway. However “timeouts” are… controversial. But anyway talk about it before a situation escalates. Do some research, or talk to a counselor. Whatever parenting method you guys choose, both of you have to choose and believe in and stick to it as much as you can.” witcher_rat
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. “Our fights have escalated to such an extent that I sometimes just leave the room and my wife is left to manage both kids and their tantrums.” Unacceptable. Preferable to screaming at your wife in front of the kids, but still unacceptable.
You and your wife need to sit down and hash this out without the kids around and when things are calm. Get a sitter and go out to dinner if you have to. You must present a united front in front of the kids and you specifically absolutely must get your temper under control.
Go to therapy for that. Look, the biological reality here is that you are the partner who is doing the least amount of work, especially if your wife is breastfeeding. You need to step up. Either use the parenting style your wife prefers or work out an alternative with her away from the kids.
Do not leave her in the lurch with both kids again. It isn’t fair and it isn’t kind.” CalamityClambake
Another User Comments:
“NTJ–kids need to be disciplined…not negotiated with. I don’t understand why parents let their kids run their homes like this. By the way, discipline doesn’t have to be negative…it can and should be positive as much as possible.
(I’m not advocating for abusive techniques just to be crystal clear). Seriously, you and your wife are the parents here…not friends. I found going from one child to two to be a bigger adjustment than going from a couple to one child so I’m going to try to cut your wife some slack.
Please try to get on the same page with your wife about discipline…kids are also masters at playing parents off against each other. Also, this type of conflict can cause marital issues down the road if left unresolved. After the hard work of parenting is done in a couple of decades, you’ll have plenty of time to move into the friend phase with your adult kids (it’s wonderful by the way).
My husband and I have raised two kids…not easy but totally worth it. Don’t negotiate with your toddler and make sure to work this out with your wife for the good of your marriage and your family too. Good luck and congrats on the new addition.
I wish you all well!” olaffuB824
8. AITJ For Encouraging My Little Brother's Fascination With My Pregnancy?
“I (26F) have a little brother (5M) who is my parents’ “miracle baby.” My mom was 44 when she had him. He’s my little weirdo and I love him. I’m pregnant with my first child, and little bro is extremely fascinated by everything.
Bro constantly wants to touch the bump and ask questions about pregnancy like “where did it come from?” (my husband and I made it) “What is it doing in there?” (Swimming) and “Will it eat its way out like a bug?” (I hope not!) It’s really funny; my mom and I take videos.
My husband has started to, in his words, get “creeped out” by my brother’s pregnancy fascination. He wants me to start laying boundaries with the kiddo and redirecting him instead of encouraging this “unnatural fascination” for funny TikToks. I think my husband is being the weird one, honestly.
My husband says it’s his baby too and my brother’s “obsession” makes him uncomfortable so I should respect that. Seems dubious to me, but AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for not having boundaries with a 5-year-old brother, it’s totally normal to be asking questions at that age.
That being said, I personally feel that YTJ for recording his reactions down for TikTok videos. It always feels weird to me for kids to be on TikTok for funny videos, it’s not to the extent of child profiteering but it feels like that. You don’t have his permission and who knows, years down the road would he be teased by friends or something like that?
Why not just have the videos for you and your family instead of having it out on public domain?” dreamer_eater
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And you may want to have a pleasant conversation with your husband that this experience is a great trial period for life 5 years from now.
You don’t say how much experience your husband has with other young children and it’s normal for someone far removed to not see things as normal. Let him know that when jr busts into the bathroom and asks dad “What’s that thing? Is it like mine?” he’d better be ready to have a funny and loving response versus being creeped out.
It’s going to happen.” crabbyhamster
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re right, your husband’s being the weird one. When I was 7, my parents had my little brother, and I was so oblivious I didn’t even know my mother was pregnant until she had the baby. When I was pregnant, my 4-year-old cousin who lived downstairs was so obsessed that he would come to ‘listen’ to the baby as soon as he woke up.
While I’d get ready for work, he’d hang around and then put his ear against my belly at some point and then tell me what my baby had ‘told’ him. Sometimes it was dinosaurs, sometimes what cartoons they liked, but one time apparently my baby told him, “Don’t tell them about the shadows trees” which was weird, lol.
But there’s nothing abnormal about that curiosity at all.” TimisAllia
7. AITJ For Leaving My Younger Brother Alone To Manage My Anger?
“I (M19) have anger management issues.
Half a year ago I started attending therapy and seeing a psychologist. I wasn’t able to do so sooner because my parents thought that my problem wasn’t real and I should just grow up, so they refused to pay for it. I was only able to start seeking help when I started working and was able to pay for it myself.
All in all, I’m getting better but there still are moments when I’m slipping. When it happens I tend to leave the situation and i.e. go for a walk so as not to cause any harm. (I know it’s a short-term solution but it works until I find better mechanisms.)
My parents tend to leave my younger brother Tom (M13) under my care when they are going out. Sometimes they pay me a small amount of money for it but I mostly do it for free. I explained to them that it’s not the best idea (given my issues) but they don’t acknowledge it.
So I roll with it and try to do my best.
Recently my parents left Tom with me again. Given his age, I don’t have to pay too much attention to him. So off he went to play computer in my room (we have only one Steam account and computer for both of us which is important for the story) and I was doing my things.
Sometime later I checked if the computer is free ’cause I wanted to use it and I found my brother playing ‘Darkest Dungeon’ (turn-based RPG). But he didn’t start his own campaign, no. He was playing with my save and before I found out he totally destroyed my progress, up to the point where I could as well start from scratch.
Now, I know it’s just a game. But I spent hours on this campaign, took a lot of time to optimize my teams, and tried to collect all achievements. And he severely damaged it. Also, the game allows to have many campaigns at once so he could start his own game, but as he said – my village and heroes were more advanced so it was more fun to play.
I knew that if I start talking or fighting with him I’d explode, so I got out of the house and went for a long walk, leaving Tom home alone. However, I took my phone with me and it was turned on, so in case of an accident, he could always call me.
Also, he’s 13 so he’s not a little baby. I returned some two hours later and he was safe and sound.
However, when our parents came back home, I found out that Tom had called them, telling them I left him alone. They are furious and calling me irresponsible and childish, for prioritizing my game over my brother’s safety.
I think I made sure he’s safe by leaving when I could be potentially dangerous to him. My father threatened me that if I did not get over myself, he’ll kick me out which I can’t afford right now (I’m working and I am paying for my food and part of the bills but it’s still much cheaper than living on my own and I’ve my therapy to pay for).
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ 13 is more than old enough to be alone in the house for a couple of hours. The only exception would be if he’s disabled in some way that makes him a danger to himself. But this isn’t about your brother.
He’s just an annoying little preteen that’s a convenient manifestation of your larger problem. The problem is your parents and how they dismiss your mental health issues despite anger management problems being fully dangerous if not treated properly – the fact that you took responsibility for your own recovery speaks well of you, but it’s sad you had to do so with zero support.
Lock down your stuff, save up, and keep going to therapy. I hope in time you can earn enough to get out of the house and find somewhere much more conducive to your health.” mignyau
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and my compliments for acknowledging your anger management issues, getting therapy for it, and managing your anger to the best of your abilities.
I know people past sixty who wouldn’t for the love of God acknowledge their issues. Leaving your brother alone was perhaps not the best outcome, but I can’t see what else you could have done. Good luck with your therapy. It seems to be bearing fruit.” DutchDave87
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. Personally, I’d start asking for extra hours at work cause if they’re talking about kicking you out for taking a walk, they probably don’t want you there in the first place and will find whatever reason they can justify to their circle as to why they threw you to the curb.
Also would give you valid reasons to not be their free childcare anymore. I hope I’m wrong and just projecting but unplanned (firstborns usually are) kids especially get the jerk end of the stick once the bare minimum requirement of “you’re still breathing at 18” is met.
But with them minimizing the importance of your mental health even after not only voicing a desire to, but also taking it fully upon yourself to get help (which is hard to admit to yourself let alone say out loud) I fear I might not be.
Regardless of it being “just a game” it was yours. You spent the effort on it, so to watch someone disrespect it for the sake of convenience is infuriating. Definitely when all “not being a jerk” took was overwriting an empty save space. Anger issues or not.
You handled it maturely even making sure to maintain a means of contact just in case. If they’re worried so much about their child being unsupervised they should hire a professional.” Reddit User
6. AITJ For Wanting To Sell Our Inherited Family Home To Pay Off My Debts?
“My mom passed away last year from cancer and it’s been really hard on the family. She didn’t have many assets but her house is paid off so she left it jointly to me and my sister. I have a ton of student loan debt and my husband and I are working towards a down payment for a house.
My sister is more well-off and has no debt apart from her mortgage. She wants to leave the house and rent it out so it stays in the family. I want to sell it and split the money since I have loans and I also don’t want to deal with tenants especially since we live in another state (sister lives even farther).
I told her either we sell it or she can buy me out. The house is valued at 520k so after lawyer and realtor fees we could get out 247k each roughly or she needs a loan of 247k to buy me out. She said she can’t afford to buy me out but she refuses to let me sell it since it’s our childhood home.
I told her I don’t want to sell but I need the money to buy my own home and I need to pay off my 80k student loan debt as well as 100k as a down payment. We had an argument about it and she threatened to never talk to me if I sell.
I contacted a lawyer and he suggested filing an application to force the selling. I told my sister I would file if she wouldn’t sell and I think her husband convinced her it doesn’t make sense to waste money on lawyers when they could use the money.
My sister eventually agreed to sell but is angry with me for trying to force her to sell saying I never cared about our mom if I’m trying to sell her home.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and that was good advice from your lawyer. It’s called a Partition Action and is just for this situation, when one heir doesn’t want to sell.
Being a landlord can be a nightmare, I was one, especially when you are not close to the property. Tenants can trash houses and not pay rent. You’d have to hire a property management company that is going to take about 8% usually right off the top.
Tenants may need to be evicted and that takes months and meanwhile, they aren’t paying rent. You are both better off just selling the house in its (assuming) good condition now. I had tenants who didn’t pay the last 2 months’ rent and left me with about $12k in repairs.
Your sister is being selfish. She doesn’t want to live in the house, doesn’t need the money, but wants to deny it to you also. Just go ahead with the sale and allow her to deal with it as she needs to. You’re not doing wrong here.” pittsburgpam
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I get why your sister wants to hang on to it and is emotional, even with the time that went by the loss of a parent or child sticks with you and everyone handles it differently but based on the facts you gave, the decision to sell makes the most sense.
Renting it out has its downsides as you’ve alluded to already (crappy tenants, damage, vacancy, being responsible for repairs, not to mention it’ll just sit there and depreciate in value), and if neither of you is close it would be a nightmare to manage and maintain.
Sure it was your childhood home and you have memories there but you take those with you and nostalgia isn’t enough of a reason to screw yourselves on this house.
As for her saying you don’t care about your mom, I obviously didn’t know her but in my experience, parents generally want their children to make the right decision, be it financially intelligent and secure and happy and healthy and other than that don’t really care about the details.
If your mom loved you guys she wouldn’t want her passing to burden you with all the stuff keeping the house could burden you with, she’d want you to grieve and go on to live your best life. For the record, I went no jerks here instead of NTJ because I can empathize with your sister and what she’s probably feeling.
I imagine it would be worth it to have a conversation and try to clear this up with her when the time is right and let her know you miss your mom too, etc… if she knows you’re on the same page and her feelings are acknowledged maybe she’ll come around and this won’t be an ongoing issue that messes up your relationship/causes resentment.
Condolences to you and your family and good luck!” LazySoftware13
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. As joint owners, both of you have a say. You gave her the option of buying you out. It sucks that she can’t afford it, but that’s not your fault.
You need the money and don’t want to deal with tenants, so this is the best option for you. The alternative is to sit on property that isn’t as useful to you as it could be and be forced to deal with tenants because that’s what your sister wants.
Your sister wants to keep the home for sentimentality’s sake, and she wants to rent it out. I can understand that. Unfortunately, it’s not entirely hers and she can’t buy it out. I feel bad for her. She shouldn’t have said you didn’t care about your mom, so maybe she’s a bit of a jerk, but I think it’s just an emotionally charged decision for her to make.
Neither one of you is wrong. It’s just an unfortunate conflict of interest.” FrederickChase
5. AITJ For Asking My Wife To Not Refer To My Sister As Her Daughter?
“I’ve been my sister’s (Lilly) primary caregiver since she was 4 and our parents passed (she’s 10 now). My wife (Kate) and I have been together for 5 years and she’s been in my sister’s life for the past 3.5-4 years.
Lilly absolutely loves her and even prefers to talk about some of her problems with my wife so it’s not an issue between them or anything.
Anyways, recently Kate has referred to Lilly as her daughter in public situations, and that makes me kinda uncomfortable. Like at a soccer game, she’ll say oh #x is mine, or at a store, she’ll be like my daughter is size x can you help us.
She says that she doesn’t want to always explain our family history to every random stranger and people tend to ask questions about why she seems to have custody over her sister-in-law if she introduces Lilly as that. My wife has recently said sometime in the future and after us discussing it with Lilly she’d like to be added as Lilly’s second guardian so she’d get custody if anything happened to me, so maybe that’s where this is coming from?
This kind of rubs me the wrong way. On the one hand, it’s awesome they get along so great and my wife loves my sister! On the other hand, it feels kinda subtly disrespectful to my parents?
WIBTJ for asking that she call Lilly her sister-in-law, not her daughter?”
Another User Comments:
“Based on OP’s comments, YTJ. You and your wife are Lilly’s parents. You’re raising her. You make decisions for her and you have legal authority to do so. The only difference with most of Lilly’s friends is that she had another set of parents before.
They loved her. You and your wife love her. They can still be her parents, have a special place in her life, while you and your wife have your place in Lilly’s life. You are NOT erasing your parents’s memories and roles by becoming Lilly’s parents.
And your wife should already be a guardian for her…” Primary-Criticism929
Another User Comments:
“I raised my husband’s kids from his first marriage. I found that explaining I was a custodial step-mom invited a lot of intrusive conversations, questions and judgments that could sour any school event, trip to the grocery store, or whatever because hearing stuff like “oh is their real mom on substances?” In front of my kids, no less – was a real downer for all of us.
Your sister is so lucky to have such a concerned parent figure in you, but also you have found a wife who lives and enjoys raising your sister. Listen, you did come with a bonus person. That’s an incredible opportunity for everyone and the fact that it seems to be working for everyone should be celebrated.
My sons are just that, my sons. They are adults now and they have always been the ones who get to say what they call me and how they define our relationship. They use my first name to get my attention but call me mom to everyone else.
It’s weird but it works for us. But for the administrative ladies at the school office or the neighbors we never interact with, maybe that’s when a cursory explanation is a good alternative. Otherwise, it is like opening a wound every single time you meet a new person.
Hi, I am Lily, nice to meet you, also I lost my parents at an early age and was raised by my brother and his wife. That’s obviously extreme and absurd, but it is kind of what you want your wife to do. Maybe ask Lily?
My oldest son was that age when I became the mother figure legally by marrying his dad, but I had been around for 5 years. I put him and his brother in charge of when we would tell people I was just a stepmom legally and how they would introduce me.
Definitely a time to let these ladies define their relationship. How does/do you prefer your sister to refer to you?” not_your-momma
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna say YTJ. I call my stepdaughter my daughter and she calls me mom (always has, it was her decision).
Going out in public and explaining your family history and everything is unnecessary and uncomfortable, honestly. She is “mom” in terms of she raises her and provides the same things a mother would. It’s not disrespectful to your parents, I’m sure your parents would be happy to know someone could step up and love her like her own daughter.
She is technically “sister-in-law” but realistically, she’s more of a mother than a sister-in-law. I feel it’s kind of disrespectful for you to say that to your wife when she does so much for your sister and also understands her role. She’s not trying to replace anyone, she’s just using the title in public to avoid uncomfortable and unnecessary questions.
If she’s old enough to be a mom, it seems like a better option than “sister-in-law” which would likely bring on some odd looks and questions she probably doesn’t want to deal with. Your sister has no issues with it, so it seems like it’s just you.
Maybe explore why you feel it’s disrespectful to your parents and why you feel that way rather than seeing it as a wholesome bond.” mountainsandmommin
4. AITJ For Yelling At My Mom For Deep Cleaning My Room Without My Permission?
“While I was at work today my mom was cleaning the house as per usual, until she called me on my break showing my room to me and it was spotless. It went from a depression room with clutter everywhere to literally I could see carpet.
I told her that while it was nice it wasn’t necessary as I was actually planning on cleaning it myself once I had finished my shift. She didn’t really reply much and sort of just ended the call and I assume continued cleaning.
I finally get home and head to my room and see that she literally deep cleaned my room so much that she literally rearranged my closet, found some things she shouldn’t have hidden between my dresser, and cleaned out my bedside table. I was upset because I hadn’t asked for this to be done and while it was a nice favour it wasn’t necessary, I was also embarrassed with what she had found although she saved me the embarrassing talk.
She came into my room and asked why I was so quiet to which I started getting mad and yelling saying she shouldn’t have been in my room without my permission and she didn’t have to deep clean my ENTIRE room, she sort of just sighed and left and I haven’t spoken to her since.
AITJ for getting mad and yelling at her or should I be grateful she cleaned my room without hesitation or do I have a right to have my room untouched by her.”
Another User Comments:
“Depression doesn’t give you a license to be a jerk and verbally abuse others.
Smarten up. You owe your mother an apology…..for yelling at her. Then cool down and have a conversation with her about why she cleaned your room. Even though you’re 15, despite living rent-free in her home, you are still a child AND you have some legit privacy concerns.
But your mom also has a super important job and that’s to get you to adulthood in one piece. You’re old enough to say things like “I super appreciate you cleaning my room. I love that you did that for me, but here’s the thing….there’s embarrassing stuff that I don’t want you finding in my room.
Can we talk about why you did this and come up with some rules that work for both of us?” Here’s the thing, doll, if you’re depressed it is your mom’s job to suss out stuff and make sure you aren’t a danger to yourself and others.
She also loves you a lot. Still….YTJ. Take a deep breath, pull up your socks, apologize, and then do the work to figure out how you can get what you need without yelling.” BrainBrave7903
Another User Comments:
“Good lord, I’m sorry OP – everyone is being ridiculously harsh to a depressed teenager who just had their privacy invaded!
I think your mom was trying to come from a place of help, but really she should have spoken with you about it first. Does she know you’re depressed/struggling? Because I know from experience that ultimatums such as ‘clean it or I will!’ or cajoling don’t work when you are depressed. Obviously, the room needs to be kept clean and as tidy as possible, but I can understand how both options here were equally as mentally painful as the other – you ended up in a catch-22.
No jerks here, but do please try to get some help, it only gets harder as you get older and an intervention now can save you from struggle later as an adult.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I understand that you feel like she thoughtlessly invaded your privacy, but to me, it looks like she was genuinely trying to be nice and do something nice for you!
Maybe you complained about the mess before, maybe you described it as looking “depressing” before and she wanted to help you change that? I have no doubt that being a teen is hard (I certainly don’t want to go back to being one!), but please know that parents don’t have it easy either.
Oftentimes they feel hurt and rejected when their kids want independence or don’t communicate with them as much anymore. This may be her way of saying “I’m there for you.” Maybe I’m reading too much into this and I’ll never know. But you can!! Approach her, knowing that she made an effort for you, thank her but also tell her that you wish for your own space and privacy.
Talk to her! I’m sure she’ll understand if you explain your feelings (: Also, about the “personal items” she found, I can tell you right now, she knew they were there. Teens often forget that their parents were once teenagers too, they know what’s up. She ignored it, you should too.” waterfall_blue
3. AITJ For Letting My Cat Out Of My Brother's Room?
“I recently got a cat, and my whole family loves him, especially me and my older brother. My cat loves everyone, he is very friendly and very playful.
My brother doesn’t really like it when I take my cat out of his room, but this time he was especially mad.
He had just gotten home from work and wanted to hang out with my cat. That’s understandable, my cat is very fun to hang around. My cat walked into his room, and he closed his bedroom door. Now, I don’t really like when my brother does this because all of his stuff is in either my room (food, toys) or in the laundry room (litter box, litter), and because we’d recently gotten him, I wanted him to get along with my dogs.
So, I knocked on my brother’s door, and he responded. I asked if I could take him out of his room, no response. So I opened his door. My cat, looking up at me, was right in front of his door, walks out, and walks to his water bowl.
As soon as he walks out, my brother starts yelling at me for letting the cat out, saying he just got home, he should have the cat, etc.
So, I added back, he’s my cat, he needs to go out and eat, drink, go to the bathroom, he needs to explore, and that he is my responsibility that all these things happen.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. A cat isn’t a toy. If he wants a cuddle-on-demand after work, he can get a plushie. You need to set boundaries on behalf of your cat – you will be the jerk if you don’t work to get your family on board with ensuring it has access to what it needs, when it needs it.” Motor_Crow4482
Another User Comments:
“One thing that upsets me is how people don’t understand that pets have wants and needs. It’s not about where someone wants the cat, it’s where the cat wants to be. Of course there are situations in which you have to restrain the cat for something, but it boils my blood when people just grab or use animals – especially cats – as if they were sentient props.
Just let the animal do its thing. NTJ.” oieusouobixo
Another User Comments:
“To be honest it seems it’s more a family cat than just yours. Considering it looks like you are living with your parents still and it has free roam over the house… you can’t really complain if it ends up in your brother’s room.
And he shouldn’t really be complaining if you let the cat leave. It’s just kind of one of those situations. It’s not like the cat is a toy and he takes it from you without your permission. This whole situation is low key kind of silly not gonna lie.” Reddit User
2. AITJ For Refusing To Move Heavy Boxes For My Coworker Without Her Cooperation?
“My coworker (33F) and I (31M) have had several arguments within the past few months, with the most recent one a couple of days ago getting very heated due to my refusal to help her move heavy boxes.
Occasionally she’ll ask me to move document boxes weighing 20-40 lbs each from her car to her cubicle. Our office building is situated like this: North (main) parking lot is about 200 ft from our desks. The south (smaller) lot is 60 ft. The south lot, naturally, is usually full so we usually have to park in the north lot.
The first few times she asked me to move boxes for her she only had 1-2 and I did so without question. The last 5 times she had 5-7 boxes each time. Realizing that it would require multiple trips, I asked her to bring her car to the south lot, where we are allowed to temporarily park outside the door which would reduce the walking distance to about 30 ft. She refused to do this without any explanation.
This led to the most recent event with her crying and yelling. This time she had 9 boxes, and again I asked her to bring her car to the south door, and she just lost it, yelling “I’m not gonna move my car so stop asking!”
This blew my mind. When I asked her to help me understand her point of view her explanations were essentially:
- When you were new to the group I helped you learn and get trained. You owe me this.
- I shouldn’t have to walk all the way to my car in this Arizona heat and bring it to the other side just so it’ll be easier for you to move the boxes.
- Be a gentleman and just move the darn boxes. What is the big deal?
I was speechless. I could not comprehend this type of mentality. I explained to her “You’re right, you did help me a lot and I still continue to learn from you, and I really appreciate it.
Even if you weren’t helpful I would STILL want to help you move your boxes, but I want to work smarter, not harder. I don’t understand it but if you are THAT against bringing your car, I’LL bring your car around.”
She refused this as well.
She felt her car shouldn’t need to be driven at all. I then said “OK then. I’ll bring my car to your car, transfer the boxes, then bring my car to the south door. Does that work? You don’t have to lift a finger, and your car won’t be moved at all.”
She refused this as well. She didn’t understand why I couldn’t just move the boxes for her as is. By this point, I was pretty annoyed myself and unfortunately responded in a somewhat hostile manner, “Good Lord, you are entitled. Why are you insisting that I intentionally make it harder on myself to help you?
I’m only trying to minimize the physical labor, especially in this heat, which is something even you said you didn’t want to walk in. I offered a solution that would literally require you to do nothing.”
She didn’t respond to this. I might be the jerk since I could “just do it” as she asked instead of refusing to do so after failing to reason with her.
I can’t wrap my head around this. AITJ here? What am I missing?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and please go to your boss right now and update them on everything — your willingness to help in the past, your willingness to help now but with very minor considerations, her reactions, etc. She’s going to try to use this against you at work.
You need to beat her to the punch.” JanetInSpain
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Her entitlement is mind-blowing. Your continued engagement and working on comprising with her just shows the patience you gave the conversation. I’d stop engaging with her regarding boxes. Find a token line and stick to it.
She is not entitled to your labor.” otterknowbeter
Another User Comments:
“How is it that no one managed to find a dolly by this point? And why on earth do you have so much paper? Save a tree. I’m going with NTJ but honestly only because I think she’s asking you because of your gender.
You shouldn’t have to volunteer just because you’re a man. You can say no to helping, but you need to let her park wherever she’s comfortable and stop trying to make her do it your way.” Major_Bother8416
1. AITJ For Kicking Out My SO's Freeloading Family Member?
“My significant other and I have been letting one of their family members stay with us while they look for a job and save money for rent.
We agreed on a specified length of time of several months (the exact number of days was agreed upon). This agreement was clearly vocalized between the three of us on the day they arrived.
It has been 5-6 times longer than the agreed-upon length. In that time they have almost exclusively slept most of the day, binged TV and games, and hung out with friends.
I have repeatedly asked why are they still here to my significant other who assured me they just needed more time. The problem is that I have a mental illness stemming from prolonged abuse and they have a very abrasive personality on top of the above problems.
I finally had enough, told my significant other I want their family member out, and stayed at my parents’ with our child until they packed up and left.
They packed up that night and so far I have been accused of:
1. Taking our kid away… I was gone for less than a day and had no intention of ever refusing contact between child and parent.
I don’t work and I take care of the kids when my significant other is at work.
2. It’s my fault their family member has no place to turn to. They had previously burnt down other bridges with other friends and family doing something similar.
3. I’m too emotionally sensitive… in therapy, I’m assured this is a tactic of gaslighting that minimizes my feelings.
So am I a jerk for not letting myself be a doormat?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve been patient. They’ve greatly overstayed their welcome. They’re creating an unpleasant home situation. Their burnt bridges are not your fault. But most of all, looking for a job needs to be their full-time enterprise.
It’s not. If they redirected their energy from hanging out, playing games, and watching TV into looking for a darned job or gaining the skills to get said job, they’d have one and could then support themselves. How many jobs have they applied to today?
This week? This month? They ought to be working on applications, LinkedIn, and other job sites as a full-time gig. Nope. They’re looking for an easy life to be lived on the backs of others. Time for them to go.” Word-Artist
Another User Comments:
“NTJ — You’re being manipulated by your significant other and his relative.
You have every right to demand that the squatter leave your home and get their lazy backside back to work. They can pay their own rent and stop taking advantage of you. If your significant other likes them so much, then maybe he should move out with them.
Sorry, but you are way too polite to have put up with this abominable behavior for way too long. Do not let anyone disrespect you like that.” Petapotomus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I would say that this person was disrespectful and dishonest about what their intentions were.
You should not, however, have taken your child (assuming you are either married or your significant other is biologically related). I can see how that would look bad to the other party, but NTJ for the situation at hand.” Independent_Ad4410
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