People Are Bothered By These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

“I am Afro-Latino. In case you’re unfamiliar, there are significant Black populations across Latin America and the Caribbean. I often have to explain this to others. I was born in the U.S. and, while I know Latin culture, I primarily identify with Black American culture, as that’s how I grew up.

I’ve been Latin dancing for 14 years and am active in my local scene, even teaching classes. Dancing requires chemistry, and sometimes you find someone you consistently “click” with. Over the past year, a new dancer, “Mariella,” joined our scene. Our styles complement each other, and we genuinely enjoy dancing together.

When I vibe with someone on the dance floor, I make an effort to know them as a person. For context, I’m happily married and have no romantic interest in her. Mariella, originally from South America, is very conservative, which I expected. I’m moderately left-leaning, but I think it’s important for people with different views to talk and learn from one another.

She has expressed that she thinks those kinds of conversations are important too and that she would like to have them with me because we can be civil with one another. We’ve had many talks about religion, morality, etc. that were all pleasant. And of course when we meet on the dance floor it’s like magic.

However, recent discussions have been concerning. A month ago, Mariella claimed racism isn’t a significant issue in the U.S. and that Black Americans overplay its importance. I countered by explaining how centuries of slavery and segregation didn’t just vanish in 1964. I shared personal experiences as a 6’2” Black man who’s been stalked, harassed, and called racial slurs.

While she listened, her views seemed shaped by conservative spaces and bad personal experiences.

Despite being born in South America, Mariella grew up here in “the hood” and engages with Black culture when it’s entertaining. She sends me memes specific to Black culture, frequently messages me in ebonics, and even comments on my “smoothness” when we dance – “I know where that comes from *wink*”.

It feels like she celebrates my culture when it amuses her but dismisses its struggles.

Recently, she asked me to help her with new dance moves and sent a video of Afro-Cuban dancing, leading to a conversation about the Black roots of salsa. While she agreed with the origins, I remarked that people love Black culture for entertainment, we’ve had to fight for equal treatment.

She disagreed, saying, “I don’t believe (Black people) are victims of suppression. Maybe it’s their behavior that affects how they’re treated, not their skin color.”

I responded at length, and she suggested continuing the discussion in person. I’ll likely see her at dancing this week, where she’ll expect help with those moves.

WIBTJ if I tell her, “No, we can’t dance until we resolve this. It hurts that you love my Blackness when it entertains you but dismiss it when it challenges you”?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – Many of us have danced with ignorant people and loved the dancing.

But if you’ve lost respect for her and don’t feel like dancing with her anymore, then just don’t. It is an interesting requirement that you’re coupling it with wanting to teach the partner about the history of dance and have her have the same view.

But sometimes magical dancing can just be dancing.” Rich-Needleworker812

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here, but if by “resolve this” you mean that you want to come to an agreement and both agree on the same things, you’re likely to be disappointed. While there are objective facts that can be cited in any discussion of race, racism, social justice, and the like, there are a lot more things that are subjective.

These discussions are highly nuanced, and heavily influenced by personal experiences. There are also ugly truths that both sides of any such discussion will want to ignore or subvert. It may be that the best you can do is continue to keep the lines of communication open while having divergent viewpoints.” EndielXenon

Another User Comments:

“Ooh this is a pickle. Have you asked her WHY she believes what she does? If not perhaps start there. What are her experiences (lived & induced from family/stories/culture)? You seem rather level-headed and to be trying to be objective in the face of a meaningful issue – kudos for that.

I wonder what your individual perspectives are and where they came from? How much do you each understand about the subject of slavery/racism on the whole? My experiences speaking with folks in the West about it show that there is a large info gap.

A lot of us don’t know that slavery has – and in many cases still does – exist in almost every culture & civilization. It’s not an issue that only exists(ed) in the US (despite what some may believe or have been taught). I’ve known folks who have made similar comments about the issue of racism in the West (comments that on the surface seem to be marginalizing or inflammatory) but are in fact rooted in their own lived truth.

That truth – sadly – is there are a lot of places where these social issues are common. Places where there are no laws or institutions to act as checks & balances, no free press to be a voice of dissent or dissatisfaction, no cultural acceptance of this behavior being inappropriate let alone illegal. Not having prime rib on the menu seems like a meaningless concern when you haven’t eaten today.

For the record not making any excuses for bigotry or hatred – just adding to the discourse.” MasterAnthropy