People Give Us Permission To Be Judgmental Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
18. AITJ For Ordering Food?
“My SIL (34) LOVES to cook and try new recipes which I (30F) am very happy to try usually. But I have food sensitivities… anything seafood just makes me gag… it’s a trauma response. Our mom was allergic to seafood when we were kids and she had a full-blown anaphylactic shock in front of me when was like 4 and I haven’t been able to eat anything that comes out of water since even a little bit of nori as a garnish makes a dish unpalatable to me.
My brother (35) invited the entire family for dinner last Sunday and when I asked what the menu was, he says his wife was keeping it a surprise. It didn’t bother me since his wife knows the story. When we got there I could tell from the smell that she had been cooking fish… I was a little disappointed but assumed that I would have a side or 2 I could eat and if I was hungry when we left I could always stop to get something.
Well… When we sat down. I realized that there was seafood in everything! Shrimp in the rice, the main dish was salmon, nori in the roasted veggies… The only thing I could eat was dessert…
I asked if she had anything without seafood.
She looked at me and said, ‘you need to get over yourself, your mom is not even allergic to seafood anymore!’ I just said, ‘I’ll just order then no biggie’.
She blew up and said I was being disrespectful and a spoiled brat.
That we had talked about it before and that I was selfish for keeping seafood on the family dinner menu for everyone. This is not true I always say if they want seafood they can, just let me know first and I’ll make sure to bring something else for myself.
I’m not really the confrontational type so I just got up and left!
My brother has been blowing up my phone saying I should apologize and was being disrespectful. My mom is on my side and my dad refuses to take a side cause he gets where I was coming from but still thinks it was disrespectful.
Edit: My mom did really lose her allergy to seafood. She got tested and everything, it was an allergy that she developed as a child and it just went away at the beginning of menopause! She was super happy cause she had great memories of seafood as a child and they had a big celebratory dinner at a fancy seafood place.
Didn’t change a thing for me…
Update: So… I told my brother about this post and he doesn’t want me to go into too many details, he’s too ashamed… I’ve never seen my big brother so small… Let’s just say she is lucky she had a yoga…
So here is what I can say… It was a weird loyalty test for him and a way to drive a wedge between us… He’ll be staying with me till he’s back on his feet and contacting a lawyer.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You aren’t saying everyone else can’t enjoy seafood, just that you don’t eat it. I also love to cook and when I plan a meal for family/friends the first thing I do is make a list of any foods people hate, are allergic to, can’t eat for religious reasons, etc. If I am making something with one of those foods, I make sure there are plenty of other options, including a second entree if needed, and let the person affected know ahead of time.
Your SIL was being intentionally rude. The only reason to make every dish with something a person doesn’t like or can’t eat is to specifically make a statement. She was saying your tastes aren’t important, she wanted to embarrass you, etc. she just showed herself to be a petty, spiteful person.
It’s not even about you having an issue with seafood. If you just don’t like it, that’s fine. She doesn’t have to cater to you, but she should give you an advanced warning to bring your own food because the meal she’s cooking is seafood heavy.
It’s common courtesy. You shouldn’t expect someone to eat food they don’t like just because you disagree with their tastes.
I don’t eat seafood. I’m not allergic, I just don’t like it. I have friends who love it. They know I couldn’t care less what anyone else eats, so if they make it and I’ll be there they just tell me that dish has seafood.
If it’s the main dish, they either make me something else or give me a prior heads up to bring my own food (like for a catered party) and there’s never been an issue. I do the same for them.
I will say that if you are demanding no one cook/eat seafood when you’re there, then you are being rude (unless it’s a life-threatening allergy).” Kuchi_Kopi_49
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, no it wasn’t wrong for you to get food that you could eat that wouldn’t mess you up.
The fact that your brother and his wife are straight-up bullying you says that you should block both of their numbers and not have dinner with them again. There are better ways to spend your Sunday. Also, your dad is a jerk for thinking that it’s still disrespectful for you to eat food when she went out of her way to have you there, and then not feed you.
Your dad is saying he’s okay with your brother and his wife bullying you.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re allowed to dislike certain foods as long as you’re polite and flexible in the company – you were perfectly willing to just quietly leave any seafood dishes alone, you would normally bring a dish of your own if everyone else wanted seafood, and you offered to sort out your own meal in this instance.
SIL is a massive a**e in this instance. Seafood isn’t exactly hard to avoid putting in dishes and leaving it out of a couple of dishes wouldn’t have been a disaster for her.” Sea_Midnight1411
17. AITJ For Letting My Kid Ruin The Clothes From Her Mom?
“Recently, my daughter has gotten a liking to drifting, sewing embroidery, and arts and crafts.
I don’t really mind this I fully support it, I think it’s fun I don’t think it looks bad. She’s only 14 and I really just think that this is her finding her style or freedom of expression, I think it’s just her having fun and easily making her happy.
Plus, she constantly wants to go shopping for cheap clothes to turn them into different ones, and gone as far as to buy a sweatshirt and turn that into a Nike sweatshirt. (Before I get dragged I have no issue buying her nicer clothes nor does she have to do this to get nice clothes this is something she enjoys and I’m fine not being materialistic and forcing her to wear something pricy for no reason)
Anyways I and her mom have a split schedule and when she was with her she took her shopping, she got two pairs of jeans and two shirts she specifically wanted to make those little flowers on, I will try to put a picture.
So she did and now the top back of the pant has flowers on it, she took the shirt and did one of those contraptions where they iron a picture on or whatever, to the shirts. In my opinion, these were far from ruined she just added some stuff on it to make it more to her liking and I don’t see an issue with that.
Apparently, she showed her mother over the phone and she was mad that she did this and asked her why she was ruining the clothes that she bought for her and treating them like trasg. She then called me asking me why I allowed her to do this when she spent her hard-earned money on these clothes.
I said I didn’t see an issue they are very much wearable they just have designs on the back, and she’s being very rude to her and she shouldn’t have said that in front of her,, and if she had an issue she should’ve come to me.
She said that I was just doing this to mess with her because the clothes she bought aren’t for playing around they are expensive clothes and she will talk to her daughter however she wanted.
I said that she needed to stop acting like these were for some special occasions and she just ruined them, they are from Marshall’s and I would gladly give her the money back if it’s that serious but she won’t talk to our daughter like that because she’s mad she did something she enjoys.
She said that it wasn’t about the money but the fact that I’m allowing her to ruin her clothes, and she looks immature walking around like that but I just kept saying that this is not ruining her clothes, she likes it and I’m sorry that her appearance is better than her happiness.
She said that I was being deliberately obtuse as to why she was mad, but I don’t get it, the clothes are very well wearable, she’s very proud of them, and she wants to wear them, I told her I will give her the money back so what’s the issue?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your teenager could be skipping school, smoking, drinking, or doing whatever but instead she is personalizing clothes. It’s a cute hobby, she loves her look and nobody gets hurt. She’s even smart enough to buy cheap clothing so it’s not a big issue if customization goes wrong every now and then.
She sounds like an amazing kid!
Unless she is sewing a skull and crossbones onto a funeral outfit, I really can’t understand why her mom would object.” Imaginary_Solid_6148
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
First, clothes were gifts, not a contract.
If you give something as a present, you absolutely can’t judge how the item is used. If you give me a fishbowl and I draw hello kitty all over it and fill it with Cheetos, heck, it’s my bowl now, my Cheetos, and so be it.
Second, You are teaching your girl that she is entitled to express herself through her clothes, that her happiness with her looks matters more than anyone else’s, and that unless it’s a reasonable advice given with care (like you telling her about etiquette or something similar), she has no reason to take it (ding ding ding, you are raising a girl that won’t be gaslighted in changing her clothes so easily by her partners in the future!
You are teaching her to value creativity, confidence, and body autonomy over other people’s expectations of her!).
If this was gender-swapped between parents people would be very quick to spot someone stomping over a teen’s autonomy over herself as a red flag on the horizon.
Mothers can be bullies. Teen’s comfort outweighs momma’s runway projects on her child’s body. She can go wild on her own wardrobe. Make it all aggressively beige. Forbid flowers on jeans. She can even go wild and have a purple pashmina.
But the 14-year-old isn’t her Barbie doll to play dress up anymore, and building this girl’s sense of worth is ESSENTIAL.
She is at a very fragile point in her life, and her mother already contributed to a huge crisis dad is going to have to navigate alone to damage control… I would have LOST IT.
I would glitter-bomb this woman every day for months. Have fun with duct tape, bench.” Exciting_Grocery_223
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your daughter’s mother is treating her like an extension of herself and expects your daughter’s appearance and hobbies to be the same as hers or something she can at least relate to.
That seems not to be the case, so she’s trying to repress your daughter’s freedom of expression through guilt.
Good for you for standing up for her. Do not let the woman shut down your child’s spirit. Because that’s what this is.
It’s just some embroidery and stamps on clothes today, but it can easily escalate every time your daughter steps away from what your ex considers is the right path.” Jolly_Tooth_7274
16. AITJ For Asking The Kids To Not Play With My Walker?
“I (30sF) use a walker as a mobility aid and have my entire life due to a congenital disability.
I’m somewhat protective of it because I’m completely unable to walk at all without it and because it’s from a company that doesn’t make them anymore and thus is hard to fix and impossible to replace.
At a recent family gathering, my cousins’ young children (1F and 1M, who I had never met before—cute kids, though!) started pulling themselves up on the bars, etc. I worked with kids in a previous job and was fine with them incidentally and safely being curious about it, as kids will do.
The issue came when other adults started deliberately taking the kids to play on it, encouraging them to play with the breaks and cranks and other mechanical parts on it that I become uncomfortable, both because I didn’t want them to get hurt and because I didn’t want them to break it.
I said that we should not encourage them to play on my walker, and one of my aunts kind of told me off that they ‘were just kids’ and ‘it’s like a jungle gym to them.’ AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There is a whole range of reasons why it’s a really bad idea to teach children to play with mobility aids. Firstly, even adults tend to grab hold of a wheelchair’s handles and just start pushing without asking, but kids can be way worse.
Not every person with a disability is going to be patient and kind when someone messed with their mobility aids. It’s inappropriate, it’s not a toy, and unless you’re personally showing them something to enhance their understanding, or helping with their natural curiosity, they should be taught to treat mobility aids with an attitude of ‘keep a respectful distance, don’t stare, don’t touch except when asked, maybe if necessary you can offer help but if someone bites your head off that’s their right’.
If your family doesn’t get that, then stop being around them and stop encouraging those kids to pick up bad habits.” risen87
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
While it is understandable that the two little children are interested in your mobility aid, for them it does look like a jungle gym after all.
That does not mean adults have to encourage it. Even at this age, you can explain to them that it is not what they see in it. And that while it looks like a toy, it is not and therefore they cannot play with it.
And yes, I know that it means repeating that for like 100 times when you are the parents. However, that is the job of a parent. So the jerks are the other adults that were encouraging this.” Majestic-Moon-1986
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, Your walker is a mobility aid, not a jungle gym. And it’s not cute to encourage toddlers and children to play with it. You’d think people would have more common sense but apparently, your family lacks it. Politely let your family know, your walker is not a toy for children, and if it’s damaged it affects the quality of your life.” penguin_squeak
15. AITJ For Being Entitled To The Pizza?
“I (34M) recently went to a get-together with some friends of mine. I get along with almost everyone within the group outside of one person, we will call him Mike. Mike is someone who I feel is selfish and can be a bully, and I feel it has gotten worse recently.
However, we have all been friends since high school so I put up with it.
Well, Mike decides he wants to have everyone over to play some Settlers of Catan. We used to get together a lot more to play board games or smash bros or whatnot, but as we all have gotten older that has obviously happened less and less.
Fortunately, everyone’s schedules lined up and we were able to plan this.
Now it is important for me to insert here that recently I had been off work for a month. It was no fault of my own, and fortunately, I am back to work now.
Because of that though, money is really tight for me right now. My friends all knew this.
We all go to Mike’s to hang out and it was a great night. We end up staying longer than expected and people get hungry.
Some people decide they want to order pizza. They ask if I want to throw in some money for pizza and I say ‘no, gotta watch what I spend for a bit.’ Obviously, I wanted some and could probably afford it but I was trying to be responsible.
Another friend of mine (we’ll call him Jake) offered to put in for me but I tell him no, I will be ok. Maybe this is where I messed up.
Anyways, right as they are about to order, I remember that I have a coupon for the place they are ordering from.
It had been my birthday a week prior and received it as a gift or something. I let them know I have it and that they can use it. It added on a medium 1 topping for free. They are excited about it and accept it.
I guess it’s important to note that I just offered it willingly, not as a trade or bargain.
The pizza arrives and everyone digs in. I ask everyone if it’s cool if I have some medium pizza. At first, Jake and a couple of others say yes but then Mike says ‘You didn’t put any money in.
Why are you asking for pizza?’ I explained that this pizza wouldn’t even be here if not for me but he says that it also wouldn’t be here without him bc everyone else paid for the other pizza. Jake offered to throw in a few bucks for me again but Mike said it was nonsense that I tried to pull this.
It really put a damper on the night. I ended up leaving without having any.
Mike sent messages in the group chat about how I tried to pull a fast one on everyone. Most everyone is trying to stay out of it outside of Jake who is still sticking by me.
I understand that I didn’t put money in, but I can’t help but feel like he is making way too big a deal about this.
So, I come to you all, AITJ?
Edit: The coupon spent was $20, get a 1 topping pizza for free.
Not that I just add on 1 topping to an existing pizza. An entirely new pizza was added.
In hindsight, I wish I had put in money just to avoid this. But because I had been off work for a month money was tight for me, and had to borrow a bit of money to get through.
I would have felt guilty spending money on pizza so I didn’t. I also didn’t accept Jake’s offer because I just didn’t want to have to feel indebted to someone else, even though I know Jake would have thought nothing of it.
I think this is extremely stupid and not worth worrying about but was curious if people thought I was in the wrong at all.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The rest of your friends were fine w it, Mike decided that his opinion was more important than every else’s AND more important than feeding you.
Definitely a jerk.
The coupon made there be a free pizza, more than there would have been. You now no longer have said coupon you could have conceivably used with other, less jerk people.
Honestly, Mike sounds like a trashy friend, period.
Especially with him making it into a larger thing by texting about it later. I’d write him off and make plans without him.
To be honest, he seems like the kind of guy to expect to hook up if he bought a woman a drink.
Who goes through life thinking their friends are trying to ‘pull a fast one’ to get a few slices of ‘za? Dude seems exhausting.” thoracicbunk
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
That coupon does have a value in the form of extra pizza.
It should have bought you a couple of pieces of the pizza. Yes, you wouldn’t have that 1 topping medium pizza without their contribution. However, they also wouldn’t have a 1 topping medium pizza without your coupon and now you no longer have that coupon in your possession.
Anybody with half a brain would recognize that you are offering a coupon for an entire extra medium pizza was your contribution and payment for a couple of slices of pizza. Mike is a massive cheap jerk and your friends should be reconsidering whether they want to hang out with him.
You made it clear that you didn’t have any money in the budget to chip in and it’s a pizza for Pete’s sake.
Normally, when I host a party at my house, I ask what kind of pizzas everyone likes and just order them.
I don’t expect or ask anyone to chip in because I’m the one hosting it.” Varstael
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for you and Jake, but Mike and the friends staying out of it are. Sure you didn’t contribute financially, but because of you, there was a medium free pizza they otherwise wouldn’t have had.
He called you out to make you feel embarrassed enough to not question it, and your other friends took his side with their silence.
Even if you hadn’t given them the coupon, it would have been trashy if they hadn’t offered you a slice knowing your financial situation.
Do not feel bad for this, you did nothing wrong outside of maybe not communicating properly with the group, but it also should’ve been obvious without saying it that you were entitled to some pizza with your coupon.” Frankfourfingers101
14. AITJ For Not Helping My Struggling Aunt?
“My (26F) mom passed away when I was 18. She was a single mom and my only other family was my aunt Marisa. Marisa refused to take me in or even help me at all because ‘You’re grown. You can stand on your own two feet.’ Marisa’s partner was nice and would help, but Marisa eventually banned him from even giving me dinner leftovers because I needed to ‘grow up instead of expecting hand-outs.’ Luckily, my employer at the time helped me get some affordable housing.
I struggled for a long time, but I luckily don’t have to live paycheck to paycheck anymore.
Marisa’s family is currently struggling, and she reached out to me through a mutual acquaintance. Marisa’s partner recently lost his job for a reason that I’m not entirely sure about.
Marisa stayed home and only did occasional work like baking for friends’ parties, so they’re seriously struggling right now. Marisa asked for just a bit of money or some unused food from my pantry to help keep them afloat.
I called Marisa back and told her, ‘Hey, why are you asking for hand-outs? You’re grown. You can stand on your own two feet.’ Marisa was angry, but I was just as angry back. Because she’s the one who left me to fend for myself when I was a vulnerable 18-year-old who was barely out of high school and just lost my mom.
And now she wants help? I texted some information for a local food bank and some other resources to Marisa’s partner, just for him and my cousins. But I didn’t even respond back to Marisa after the first phone call.
Most people agreed with how I reacted to Marisa, but multiple are telling me I was wrong and I’m punishing the wrong people. Because I know from experience that getting access to those resources can be a lot harder/take a long time, and Marisa’s partner and my cousin may need help immediately.
These people also told me that by being the bigger person and helping Marisa in her time of need, I can show Marisa how wrong she was and what a huge mistake she made. I don’t see it that way at all.
I feel bad for Marisa’s partner and my cousins, but if I helped them, it would be rewarding Marisa for refusing to help me during my own hard times. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, nope you owe them nothing!
If others care so much they can help. I’m sick of people telling others they have to be the bigger person… No! You should never have to be the bigger person and have to put up with someone that treated you so horribly just because they need help now!
You were a child and look how she treated you! Block them because you owe them nothing and I can’t even believe she had the audacity to expect help from you after how she treated you.
And for each of those family members harassing you tell them that since they seem to care so much, you’ll let her know that they are willing to give her a place to stay and help her out, and if they say something about it, then you bring up the fact that they expect you to do something when you have no relationship and she treated you terribly… So, they would want to do something for her because she’s ‘family.'” rainbow_mak3r
Another User Comments:
“You could invite the guy and cousins and provide them dinner.
Marissa would not need handouts indeed. It`s funny in a way – when you were in need, hurting, and alone – she was harsh, cold, and even blocked one person that did try and help you.
So, she set an example – she taught you – show her you are a good student. The guy, and the cousins… pizza party. She`s indeed the grown woman, can stand on her own two feet – and does not need handouts.
Seriously – do not give in to her UNLESS, at the very least, she acknowledges she did you wrong and apologized without reserve to you for her treating you like crap – for kicking you when you were down.
NTJ” SamuelVimesTrained
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you can help people if you want to, but asking you to help someone who hurt you when you were at your most vulnerable and alone is asking you to accept how you were treated as acceptable.
No. The people minimizing how awful it is that an adult looks at a teenage family member who has lost their parents, their home, and their security and says ‘you are not allowed even table scraps’ – they are not the people who should be trusted around children, young people, the vulnerable or viewed as any source of ethical guidance.
They can subsidize that adult and spend their time/effort/skills supporting her rather than attacking you.” HannahAnthonia
13. AITJ For Not Wanting To Buy My Partner A New Car With My Lottery Winnings?
“Recently, I (f26) have won quite a lot of money in the lottery. It’s not the main prize (it was one of the top 3 though) but it’s a life-changing amount in my country.
I grew up poor, very poor and while I worked my way up, my closest family is still struggling. I help but I cannot fix everything, well I couldn’t before.
My winning was recently deposited in my bank account (a completely separate one from my normal one).
I’m not touching that money until I have my meeting with the financial advisors that I hired. My plan is to use a small amount of money to enjoy, use part to improve my family’s life (e.g. buy them flats that they can, later on, afford to upkeep but in a safer place and of better quality), and invest the vast majority in a different venture to ensure a stream of revenue for years to come so I can live comfortably and help my family.
The only people that know are my closest family and my partner, Andy (m30). We’ve been together for 7 months but we don’t live together. Andy has different plans. He basically came up with a list of items he needs so and has been pressuring me into getting them before I even speak to my advisors.
Basically, he wants a new car, stereotypically, he wants something like a Tesla, which he absolutely doesn’t need. He wants us to move in together and for me to buy a house with a pool. He now started talking about kids, that we can afford them, blah, blah, even though he knows that I am childfree.
I’ve been refusing every single request telling him that necessities come first and that money I should be under lock and key until I speak with my financial advisors. He’s not very happy. He’s been calling me a Scrooge, telling him I don’t love him anymore, calling me a cheapskate.
Worst of all, he now told every one of our friends about this and they’ve started pressuring me as well, asking me to fund nights out, etc. And they’ve been very cruel when I refuse. I’m devastated. Am I really a jerk in this situation?
AITJ for not wanting to spend frivolously?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner has been around seven months and is seeing dollar signs and anger that you won’t give it to him. Tell him to stop spending money that isn’t his and he didn’t earn and you’re not his ATM to improve his life.
He’s not even been around for a year, you two aren’t married and you don’t owe him a dime. If he doesn’t stop pressuring and demanding your money, cut him loose. Being with you and hooking up doesn’t give him any entitlement to your wealth, OP.
It’s time to get a new man, OP. Him in trash talking you to your face and exposing your private financial situation to get them to pressure and bully you about spending money is ridiculous and would be the last straw for me.
I wouldn’t keep being with someone who treats me like that.
You’ll find a lot of people come out of the woodwork looking for a handout and you to solve financial problems they normally would never dream of asking about before they knew about your windfall.
Don’t give out a cent until you’ve set up your own life. Pay off debts, and buy yourself a home for yourself. Don’t even take the guy out with you to showings. He gets no say in what you buy and for the love of everything holy don’t put his name on a single scrap of paper or even mention him to your realtors or loan officers.
His name stays off the mortgage and your home deeds, or any other asset you buy with your winnings.
Be careful with your money and keep your financial documents out of your gold-digging partner’s reach. They to squeeze you got every dime you got if you choose to keep being with him.” depressivedarling
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. Congratulations on the win! You’re extremely careful and wise about money, and kudos to you for already hiring financial advisors to help you manage your winnings. Your partner sounds extremely entitled and that should be a massive red flag if he’s demanding you buy him a Tesla and a house with a pool.
(I’d buy a house with a pool but then still tell him you’re not moving in together. Or maybe only if he agrees to clean the pool). And if your friends are pressuring you to finance nights out and other social occasions, then they are jerks.
It’s your money and no one should decide how you spend it apart from you. You’re doing a wonderful thing for helping out the family with these winnings and should be very proud of yourself for that. I’m not sure a lot of people would do the same.
You’re a good person, OP – and your partner and your friends sound extremely entitled and selfish.” DowntownRaspberry404
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Money has a way of bringing out the worst in people. You deserve a man who has your back, not one who stabs you in the back.
Break up with him, he will just be with you until the money is gone.
Talk to your financial advisers, then find a man who doesn’t want to use you for your money. Those friends who want stuff from you — same thing.
A true friend would never expect you to pay for everything for them and neglect your family. Your financial plans are very, very sound. Keep to those plans (though you might want to consult with more than one financial advisor as different people have different ideas; that would give you a good basis to pick and choose what you want to do — remember, you can invest in a couple of different things, not just one).” Comment7215
12. AITJ For Not Inviting My Mom's Homophobic Partner To My Wedding?
“My mum and her partner have been together almost 20 years. Over that period whilst he has done nice things to help and support us, in my opinion, he’s not a nice guy I’ve always been queer but over the global crisis, I was figuring myself out and came out transgender (he/they).
This was and still is a difficult adjustment for some members of my family.
Last year we went on the first family holiday since I was a teenager, me, my sister, her partner, nana, mum and him. We went on a 10-day holiday and on night 2, we explored & found a bar.
We were walking past a cleverly named bar that was clearly run by a queer drag queen but offered entertainment for everyone. Mum and I were slightly ahead of the rest and had a giggle at the name and continued walking.
My sister asked why don’t we try in here.
He eventually saw the place and said he wasn’t going in a place where there were (drops slurs). I immediately turned around and demanded to know what he just said. mum was pulling at me telling me to just leave it, it’s fine & not to start anything.
I looked at my sister’s partner & asked him to repeat what mum’s partner said. More to confirm I did hear what I heard. He repeated it & it took everything in me not to kick off. I walked off in the direction we’d been walking to get distance & calm down.
I stood my ground, I couldn’t look at him when we found the bar & eventually went back to the villa. There was a massive argument that night when they all got back. He refused to see how he did wrong & still hasn’t apologized to this day.
It’s put a massive rift in our family almost a year later but it’s rearing its head again as me & my partner are now engaged and have said we don’t want him at any of our celebrations for engagement or wedding.
Mum has said that this makes it difficult for her, and my sister is heartbroken that the family is divided. If we are at a birthday or something else we’re all invited to that I will be civil and polite, I wouldn’t ignore him outright but I don’t want him in my life & he makes me uncomfortable to be around.
I set a boundary 1 year ago for my own health & safety but I’m being told that if they have to accept me for the way I am that I should have to accept him for the way he is, that everyone is entitled to their opinion & that it wasn’t personally about me so I shouldn’t take it personally.
In my view he was talking about all queer people which includes me so why wouldn’t I take it personally?
I acknowledge that everyone is entitled to their opinion but that I can choose to not be around people w****e saying hate speech.
I want to have a relationship with my mum & sister. it’s not impossible for us to do things without him. They’ve told me it’s difficult for them & hurtful to have a divided family but if either of us goes along with what the other wants, one of us will always be unhappy.
I usually just go along with whatever someone else wants to make them happy but I don’t want to compromise my own happiness or mental health anymore. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your mum and sister have told you that it’s hurtful to have a divided family but you’re the wrong person to bring this up to.
Your mum’s partner is dividing the family, not you.
It sounds like your family expects you to make all the effort, forgive him every time he says something inappropriate, and just ignore the fact that he makes you feel uncomfortable.
Why doesn’t he have to make any effort? At the very, very, very least, he could be asked to not use slurs.
If he wants to continue being disrespectful and using slurs, it is 100% understandable that you don’t want him at your wedding.” Mutt-of-Munster
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The argument of ‘oh it’s just a difference of opinions’ boils my b***d. No, it’s not. His opinion activity oppresses people, pushes them out of space, and gets them beaten and murdered. If he has the nerve to say something like that, then he doesn’t actually accept you.
If he did, he would learn how to properly support you, and this ain’t it.
You told him how offensive what he said was, and he doubled down. That’s not acceptance. It’s been over a year and he still refuses to acknowledge what he did as wrong.
That’s not acceptance. He is trying to play the victim by saying ‘well I accept you, why can’t you accept me?’ That’s not acceptance.” glittery-lucifer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your mom, sister, and mom’s disgusting whatever sure are.
Here’s the thing, your mom either agrees with his homophobia and condones it which is why she told you to let it go, or she cares more about herself than you. It’s one of those two or both. The moment someone said some sideways stuff like that to one of my kids would be the exact moment they learned where they stand.
Your mom told you to let it go. Really think about that and decide if this negativity is something you want to see in your life.
I don’t speak to any of my family and I’m happier and healthier for it.” plantsb4putas
11. AITJ For Yelling At My Brother And Sister-In-Law?
“My son is 6 and my daughter is 4. I’ve been separated from their dad for the last 3 years but for the last few months, we’ve been working on potentially reconciling. We agreed not to say anything to the kids yet in case we were getting their hopes up for no reason and because we weren’t sure how they were going to take it as they don’t remember us being together.
I went on a date with their dad on the weekend while my brother and sister-in-law kept the kids overnight for a sleepover. I don’t know why but my sister-in-law told my kids that I was on a date with him even though she knew we wanted to keep it a secret from them for now.
My family has wanted me to get back with him for a very long time so I think that’s partly why she told them. My daughter has taken the news badly and doesn’t want her dad to even come to the house to pick them up anymore.
She cries whenever he’s near me and refuses to go with him.
I confronted my sister-in-law and brother once my son told me what happened. Neither one of them was apologetic and they kept doubling down on their decision to tell them because they think the kids would’ve found out sooner rather than later.
I was so upset I yelled at them and told them to stay away from my kids.
My brother has since reached out to apologize but I’ve been ignoring him.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your brother and his wife went behind your back to dump this on your young children, while you and your ex were responsibly seeing if this is even viable.
Divorce and possible reconciliation are tricky enough without such ham-handed drama. Not to mention trying to drum up your kids’ hopes to pressure you to get back with him. In his position, in-laws like that would make me rethink marrying back in.
Your brother can apologize, but how does he plan to make up for such a blatant breach of trust, especially after doubling down on it? Have you let the rest of the family know what happened before they get your unrepentant SiL’s version?
Either way, you may want to focus on your kids and family counseling, a separate counselor for yourself, and perhaps a less blabbermouthed babysitter. Best of luck, OP.” Notte_di_nerezza
Another User Comments:
“It was not their news to share with your children.
‘They did it because they thought’ is a really selfish, crass way to behave. You are the parents. You made that decision in their best interests. And that was trampled on by the ‘we know best’ brigade who decided to force your hand because they want you to get back together.
And their judgment has been proven wrong judging by the kids’ reactions. These are not trustworthy people to have around your children because they will do what they think is best not what you do. NTJ. You are right to be furious.” Dogmother123
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It wasn’t their job to tell them, regardless of their opinions on the matter. They are entitled to think these things but since they are not the parents they should just keep it to themselves and if they can not then they shouldn’t agree to watch them.
Sorry, but they stuck their beaks in where they were not needed and have caused untold issues as your daughter is old enough to know that she was abandoned by her dad.
You should have started to understand her feelings by now if you think that you are going to reconcile, but your family’s thoughts on it don’t matter.
I would suggest you focus on your daughter and getting her comfortable with the reconciliation and less on people who can’t follow simple instructions. Your daughter is who matters and you need to understand why she feels this way and deals with it before you force anything on her.” Trantosawrus
10. AITJ For Not Paying More For My Son's College Tuition?
“I am 53 (f), my husband is 63 (m), and in a month will be 64, and we have three children. The youngest is 19 and here is the issue. The youngest wants to attend an out-of-state college. He currently attends an in-state college, where he receives a 50% discount on tuition because of my husband’s employment.
He also receives a state scholarship, based on his high school academics, but he did not receive an academic scholarship from the school he is attending. All in all with tuition and the discounts, he has to take out about 3k a semester in loans and my husband and I make up the shortfall, which is around $3,300, and any additional expenses.
When our son started high school, he insisted that he needed to attend a private high school, and we were reluctant and explained to him that if he attended a private high school, he would need to make the best of it, as we would not be able to assist him with college.
One older sibling attended public high school and the other older sibling attended a private school as well, but the tuition was quite low because that sibling received a scholarship. Each year cost about $3k (maybe), and that sibling will graduate from college next month, with very little assistance from us.
For our son, in the first year of high school, we received financial aid and spent about $6-7k that year, but for the remaining three years, we did not receive as much aid and ended up paying about $12-$14k.
Our son also wanted to go on a trip abroad with his school’s sports team, which cost us another $4k. We also bought him a used car (as we did for his siblings, and that was another $12k. So we spent anywhere from $58k to $60k for high school.
Now, the issue is our son wants to transfer to an out-of-state college, and we have said he can do whatever he wishes, but we are not spending more than what we spend now.
My husband and I do not have large fund reserves or a huge retirement account.
We have debt, and our house is not paid off yet either. We do not wish to do any parent loans, etc. I’m still paying off my student loans. In addition, my husband has been under a contract, which has paid well, but ends in seven months, and we do not know if it will be renewed.
Long story, but we’ve had extensive medical bills and though I have an advanced degree, I never made a ‘career’ for myself. As a matter of fact, I work part-time. My son called me a lazy witch tonight.
Am I the jerk for not signing parent loans, and liquidating whatever equity we have in the house and our retirement accounts so that he can transfer to an out-of-state college for an undergrad degree?
For the record, he did make straight A’s in his first semester of college and is on track to make straight A’s for his second semester.
Update: My son did apologize. We will continue with the support we currently give, about $3,300 a semester.
He has worked during high school, but we have allowed all the kids to not work for the first year of college so they can get acclimated.
A couple of years ago, we did go through this, but the calling of names did cease.
I thought we had raised our kids with a moral compass and some sense of fiscal responsibility, and to see him go completely off the rails, has been devastating.”
Another User Comments:
“He called you WHAT?
You’d be NTJ even if he were the sweetest kid in the world because you’re breaking your backs to give your kids educations and you’re still trying to live somewhat within your means.
So, no, you don’t have to provide more money because the money just isn’t there. Yes, you have a house that you could sell, but don’t. You need it to live in. You might have to sell it for yourself later.
But he called you a lazy witch? I’m sorry, WHAT? WHAT? No. Those words are next to a slap in the face. Nobody who says that to you is a child anymore. If he wants to be that aggressive, he can pay for his own self.
Shut the wallet and do. Not. Look back.” onmyknees4anyone
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!
I feel your son is being very ungrateful for no good reason. I absolutely wish I had parents who planned ahead for my future. It didn’t happen, but I don’t blame them and I’m not mad.
What I can do is take out student loans, etc. My education is something I won’t blame my parents for not being able to afford.
Your son needs to be reminded that not every child has had resources given to them by their parents.
Some people have to figure it out on their own. Not only have you been extremely generous with your children’s education, but you’re also in debt. You also have to make sure that you’re in a stable position to even be able to take care of your children.
Please don’t dig yourself any further, OP.” User
Another User Comments:
“Oh God no! Do NOT, under any circumstances, give in to this entitled little jerk you have raised!
You were very clear with him about what the consequences of his educational decisions would be.
And for him to call you lazy? That’s pretty rich coming from someone who wants to milk mommy and daddy dry from all their assets just a few years from retirement! That comment alone would have resulted in my planting my foot firmly into his behind as I informed him there would be no further financial contributions forthcoming if that were my kid.
You do NOT owe him the secondary education of his choosing. Especially if you have health issues, are approaching retirement, and have over-extended yourselves to pay for secondary education expenses for each of your kids.
Tell that little cretin that it’s high time he learns how things work in the real world.
He can figure it all out on his own – whether he gets a job, takes out loans himself, stays where he is, or goes where he wants. He can just figure out the finances since he is so smart that he feels it is ok to bite the hand supporting him.
So sorry you raised this person to be as entitled as he is. You are NTJ for saying no.” JomolaMomo
9. AITJ For Asking My Wife To Cook Ham For My Mom?
“My wife is a very traditional person. She is big on things being done the ‘proper’ way and to be honest can be kind of rigid.
My mom doesn’t care about proper but is just a spoiled brat who wants what she wants. Needless to say, they get on like oil and water.
Growing up we always had ham with thanksgiving dinner because that is what my mom wanted. She would cook a turkey, but she only ate the ham.
My mom no longer hosts Thanksgiving now that I am older and have my own family. She was never that into it to begin with, so would rather just go to a friend’s house. she won’t come to our house because she and my MIL can’t be in the same room, and we don’t have ham.
Well, this year the stars aligned. MIL will be out of state. My mom’s friend isn’t hosting due to a family medical emergency, so I asked my wife if I could invite my mom. She said sure, but no ham.
I called my mom and she said she was only coming if she could have a ham. She even offered to cook it and bring it herself. I said I had to check with my wife and she freaked out and said my mom can’t cook anything.
I asked my wife to cook the ham, and she yelled at me.
At this point, I was sick of the crap. I told my mom to come and promised there would be a ham. I went out and bought it myself and told my wife I would be cooking it.
My wife is not ok with me cooking during holidays because it is ‘her job’ so she got emotional. I told her I was doing it and it wasn’t up for discussion. She called me a mama’s boy and called my mom stupid (because ham is only for Christmas and Easter) She even brought my daughter into the fight and they were joking about things they could do to the ham.
Now I’m standing guard, my mom will be here in a few hours, and my wife is obviously mad.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your wife is. If she really wants ‘tradition’ Thanksgiving is SUPPOSED to be about family and sharing abundance and appreciating what you have.
Also, your daughter shouldn’t be smack talk’n her grandmother.
While turkey is tradition – it’s not the only ‘big family food!’ that gets served on Thanksgiving. I’ve been seeing that ‘Honeybaked Ham’ commercial multiple times a day for the past 3 weeks.
While your Mom might be obnoxious about needing ham – she’s not the jerk here. She was invited, and she offered to make her own ham, when your wife clutched her pearls at that YOU got the ham. There are a lot of ‘mama’s boys’ on this site but this doesn’t seem to be the case – you’re simply being considerate of your mom on a major holiday.
Having ham available doesn’t mean your wife’s turkey won’t be enjoyed. If it’s an ‘I want MY table to look like Martha Stewart lives here!’ for her – ok the ham can be served from the kitchen the bird can stay on the table.
Your wife needs to lighten up and remember what Thanksgiving is about. In 10 years the family might not remember what sides were served but they’ll certainly remember the year that Mom threw a fit about grandma’s food preference.” CarrieCat62
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But man your wife is sure it. It’s completely acceptable and traditional to have both turkey and small ham on Thanksgiving. We did every year growing up.
Tell your wife her own personal taste isn’t the only one that matters on holidays and it’s one single requested dish.
She needs to grow up and stop teaching your daughter how to be a bully or that it’s ok to mess with someone else’s food.
I’d shut that thing down immediately. Mom’s jokes aren’t appropriate and they are passing on VERY bad lessons to your child.
I hope everyone can be civil and get through dinner.” depressivedarling
Another User Comments:
“This is an NTJ. I don’t quite see why you say your mother is a ‘spoiled brat who wants what she wants’? Sure she said she’d only come if she got ham, which is a weird line in the sand, but she suggested she could bring it herself.
There seems to be no expectation on her part that other people should be inconvenienced by her want for ham. It’s not like one of those MILs we see on here all the time who just want to make snide comments about the DIL’s cooking, she just wants ham for some reason.
Your wife, on the other hand, apparently can’t stand the thought of something being out of her control. It’s not her ‘job’ to do all the holiday cooking, others are allowed – and should be encouraged – to contribute and alleviate her workload.
I don’t know anyone who eats ham for Christmas or Easter, so your wife’s preferences are no more sacrosanct and “proper” than anyone else’s. Let your mother have her ham, it was no inconvenience to your wife.” crumpledspoon
8. AITJ For Being Mean To My Biological Dad Over My Stepdad's Passing?
“I lived with my mom and stepdad my whole life and my dad walked out when I was 3 but had been trying to be there for me in the past few years.
So I (16F) have been grieving a lot over this past month since my stepdad passed away on November 2nd, it was sudden and I nor my mom expected it to happen. To me my stepdad was more like my actual dad, while I had both in my life, my stepdad would be there for me throughout it all.
Since it happened I haven’t been at school which has and is severely affecting my grades. Though the school understands and is going to work with me, my bio dad wants me to go back to school right away, a week after things had happened he told I should prepare for a new week and head back into school.
The other day he scolded me for not getting information about my surgery when I wasn’t told much of it, I told him off in the car and he’s been trying left right, and center to both controls and apologize to me.
Finally, he told my mom to change her celebration of life arrangements for her husband (my stepdad) and she changed it three times now.
I feel like a trashy daughter because I don’t want to do what he says since I don’t live with him and want nothing to do with him at the moment, but I feel so guilty like if I do that my stepdad would be disappointed in me.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Condolences for your parents passing away… it must be a traumatic time for you…
Your bio dad has been absent for most of your life – suddenly he expects to become the parental authority and sees the untimely death of your stepfather as an opportunity to do that – seems like he lacks the emotional intelligence to be a parent…
You are not an awful daughter at all – if anyone is terrible it’s your bio dad for not being patient and mindful of your grief and expecting to treat him like the dad of the century.
You cannot rush and recover from grief – tell your bio dad he needs to be patient.
I don’t understand why your mom should postpone life arrangements for stepdad because your dad demands it though.” Haunting-Row-3961
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your dad is. what gives him the right to demand anything when it comes to the services for your stepdad’s funeral proceedings?
Your bio-dad hasn’t been there for you, he walked out. You aren’t obligated to have him in your life, especially at 16. You’re old enough the courts just ask you which parent you want to live with. Your dad lost any right to be in your life when he walked out.
Any relationship you have with your bio-dad should be on YOUR terms when YOU are ready and not one second before. If he’s such a jerk you and your mom need to ignore him and do what’s best for the two of you.
You’re both dealing with enough right now and don’t need his nonsense.” a_man_in_black
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
My condolences for your loss.
Your bio dad has no grounds to stand on giving any orders regarding your stepdad who you have been devastated to lose.
That cuts deep and the emotions are slicing you even deeper.
For him to not understand nor empathize gives off the impression of his uncaring attitude which is something you DO NOT need right now.
You have lost your rock and stability and need support that unfortunately and regretfully he is not giving you.
Right now your concern is not on him and definitely not on what he wants because you are hurting. Badly.
Draw strength from what your stepdad would want or think. No one else.
Rebuild your strength with memories of him and your life with him.
Stand strong against all who would push and pull you in the direction they want.
He can’t expect and assume that you would take his attempts to control you by way of an insincere apology at face value while grieving.
Simply because in your grief you are not blinded by his feeble gestures.
Move forward with the knowledge that you have been given an opportunity to be taught by someone worthy of your love, trust, and devotion. Remember his teachings and let them guide you.
The pain will not last but it is deep and will need time to heal. Use his love and memories to patch the hole as you go.
Sit down with your mother and talk to her. Tell her exactly how you feel.
Explain in detail if you have to. That whatever decisions she makes should be with stepdad in mind not bio dad. Then remind her that you both are grieving and definitely you need more time.
No one can tell you how to grieve.
My heart goes out to you and I wish you well.” SuperHuckleberry125
7. AITJ For "Letting" My Muslim Friend Eat Something That Contains Pork?
“So I was attending a wedding last week and it was between my long-time friend and his partner of 6 years. My friend, who I’ll call John, is Muslim and doesn’t live in the U.S.
I met him online and we’ve been friends for almost 10 years. John is also friends with the groom. John decided to come here and visit and attend the wedding.
So here’s the situation. He got here a few days before the wedding and crashed at my place.
He asked if it was cool if I made sure anything he ate/was planning on eating during his stay was halal. (Doesn’t contain pork, liquor, etc.) I agreed and I made sure to cook things for us that didn’t include anything like that.
I decided it would be best not to take him out to eat or get fast food because it would be really hard to tell.
So come the day of the wedding, we obviously aren’t together the whole time at the event.
Still, John wants to enjoy some food and drinks, understandable, but can’t find me. So he’d just ask other people or just stay away. On one occasion, John did find me and asked if a little appetizer thing he had had pork or anything in it.
I honestly didn’t know so I said, ‘I don’t know, but I’d assume not.’ So he ate it. Later on, though, he found out it did have pork in it and got angry at me. I told him that I just said what I knew, that I didn’t know.
I told him that he took the chance and that’s on him.
Did I do wrong here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He’s projecting because he feels guilty that he’s sinned according to his religion, and his feelings of guilt are being deflected into anger that he’s taking out on you.
This is extra silly on his part, because from what little I remember of Islam dietary edicts there are exceptions and considerations for accidental slip-ups or when visiting places where the culture is different or they don’t have access to halal foods.
He’s just mad at himself and not processing it very well.” a_man_in_black
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
He shouldn’t have asked you in the first place. You were not the organizer, you were not in charge of the event, and there is no way you’d know if a specific piece of food was halal or not.
That said, when he did ask you, you shouldn’t have said ‘I don’t know, but I’d assume not’. You should’ve just left it at ‘I don’t know’. Tacking on ‘I assume not’ makes it seem like you know more than you do.
He’s more the jerk than you are because it’s his own dietary restrictions and he should’ve found somebody who was in charge/familiar with the catering instead of asking a random guest, but your reply was wrong for the situation.” tofu_deluxe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You told him you didn’t know. If he is really serious about keeping halal, he would not have eaten it. You shouldn’t have ‘assumed’ that the appetizer was halal. Unless such things are specified as being halal, they most likely wouldn’t be, but it is still his own responsibility what he stuffs in his face.” SnooSprouts6712
6. AITJ For Telling My Cousin To Pay Rent If She Wants To Live With Me?
“I live rent-free in a house owned by my ex’s dad. The only reason I live here for free is that it’s part of my childcare agreement with my ex and it was their way of making sure I continued to live nearby.
My cousin asked if she could live with me as she recently got a job in this city. There’s enough space for her and her daughter so I told her she could but she would have to pay rent.
Even though my ex’s family is doing a nice thing for me, they’re only doing it because it benefits them and I doubt my ex or his family will be okay with her moving in for free.
She accused me of trying to make a profit from her as she knows I live here rent-free.
She doesn’t believe my ex or his family will be unhappy with her moving in for free but I do so I told her she either agreed to pay rent or she couldn’t move in.
Our family is divided so… AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And inform her firmly that her moving in is increasing your food and household budget and utility bills. Either she pays your rate to live there or she can find someone else to move in with.
You don’t owe her space in your home, and your deal with the homeowner doesn’t extend to her.
Honestly, I’d take her profiting comment as the red flag it is and tell her if she feels that way, she’s welcome to find shelter elsewhere.
You shouldn’t move her in at all without permission from the homeowner first. Many people get evicted yearly for moving extra people into their places without the knowledge or permission of the homeowner. Your FIL might kick you out.
Protect your own living situation above all overs op.
No one is entitled to live with you. No is a complete sentence and a valid response to her request.” depressivedarling
Another User Comments:
“YTJ but not because you asked for rent.
It’s not your place to offer the house.
It’s not yours. You don’t pay rent, so you’re not even technically a tenant. Maybe we could call you a ‘guest.’ You have no say as to whether your cousin can move in or not. That’s not your decision.
And if rent is being charged to the cousin, it wouldn’t be going to you.
Also, do not discuss financial matters with people who are not involved. There’s no reason that your cousin even should have known that you don’t pay rent.
Stop talking.” justputonashirt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Regardless of the method through which it became where you live, you are under no obligation to let her live with you. With that said, it isn’t your property so it isn’t your decision alone.
It’s more like you’re renting the house for $0 a month, and although you could rent out the rooms to roommates for whatever amount of money you please, the homeowner gets the final say.
Rather than guessing at what your ex or his family are okay with, you should talk to them.
If they’re okay with it, then I would draft a formal lease for your cousin. If she doesn’t like that she is welcome to live elsewhere.” Inevitable-Video-329
Another User Comments:
“You live rent-free. You don’t want to risk this.
Check with your ex-in-laws before moving anyone in.
As far as charging rent? I can see a deposit in case she does damage (I had this happen to me with someone I helped and didn’t charge rent. I ended up paying for her irresponsible behavior/damage) but seriously, this isn’t your call.
In the future, you may want to keep your private affairs private. Why would your cousin know you live rent-free in the first place? Why spread your business around? If she didn’t know you were not paying rent, she probably wouldn’t have asked you to move in.
This wouldn’t be an issue and your family wouldn’t be upset.
Yes, you’re kind of a jerk.” MagicianOk6393
5. AITJ For Leaving When My Mom To Move My Car?
“My mom has always wanted a daughter. Instead, she ended up with 2 sons and 6 grandsons.
16 years ago, a young woman with a 2-year-old daughter (let’s call the daughter Lily) moved across the street from her. She was a single mom and didn’t have any family in the area so my mom offered to help take care of the little girl while her mom worked/studied.
Over the years, she’s become an adoptive mom/grandmother to this woman and her daughter. She was there when the woman married her husband and had 2 more girls together. She’s very close to the whole family but especially Lily.
My mom was born and raised in Italy.
My dad was French. My brother and I don’t speak any French or Italian. Lily is not only fluent in French and Italian but she knows more about the culture than me or my brother and she knows all of my mom’s recipes.
My mom also helped pay for her private school tuition because she doesn’t like the public schools in the area. Lily, my son, and my nephew graduated from high school in May. My son and my nephew each got a card and a check for $300.
My mom took Lily to Europe for 8 weeks over the summer.
I got to my mom’s house with my sons last night. We planned on staying for a few days because we live 8 hours away. I was parked in the driveway, then right before dinner my mom told me I needed to move my car so Lily could park in her driveway.
I said Lily could park on the street but my mom said no, the driveway is Lily’s spot and I have to move so I told my sons to get our bags and we went home.
My mom has been calling me since last night asking me to come back and saying I overreacted to being asked to move my car.
I refused and my sons and I are celebrating without her but I’m starting to wonder if I was the jerk for leaving when my mom told me to move my car.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
People here expect parents to somehow sacrifice themselves for their children but will expect nothing of the children to do back and advise them to go non-contact by the slightest misunderstanding.
OP, you need to understand that biology isn’t the only family-bound people can establish. Your mother basically adopted Lily and her mom. They are family to her. People here also forget that OP’s mother established a bond with Lily and her mother when both her son’s been adults already and lived their own lives.
So she didn’t neglect her sons.
You’re 50 years old, your mom is old, and she won’t be around at some point, even if you think she doesn’t, she needs help and will do even more. And Lily and her mom are there for her, unlike you guys.
If you feel jealous about her bond with Lily, be an adult and talk to her about it.
Your mom went to Europe with Lily probably because Lily shows genuine Interest in Italian and French culture, unlike you guys.
She also probably asked as a kid to be taught the languages, unlike you guys.
She is there for your mother, unlike you guys.
What exactly do you expect?
Also, it’s a driveway, and it’s way safer for a woman to park on a driveway at night than on the road.
You aren’t angry about the driveway, you’re jealous.
Talk to your mom about it. And for god’s sake, try to see it from her perspective too. You act as if your mom is neglecting you guys, but you said nothing of the sort. She has 7 grandkids, there is no way she can pay for all of them to go to Europe, and make trust funds for everyone.
Her saying that your son’s trust funds had more money than that of Lily is actually a good argument.
I swear to God, at one point you dislike the relationship she has with Lily and her mom, but you don’t want to live near her to help her out with stuff either and develop a relationship.
What do you want? Your mom only has you guys, who lives 8 hours away and stay at home asking herself why no one calls and being bitter about it. When she becomes so old that she will need care, Lily and her mom will be probably the ones taking care of her, not you guys.
Unless you want to? I doubt it.” Jack-Redcap
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
First, you decided to omit that your mom set up bigger college funds for your kids. Sounds like your mom considers Lily as family and picked the one grandkid (related or otherwise) who would actually enjoy going on a one-on-one tour with her.
Second, while you mentioned that your mother wanted girls, there seem to be no other complaints or instances of bad parenting from her side. It’s only once your mom met Lily and her mom (which is after you became an adult) that your mom started getting attached to someone outside the family.
Third, Lily seems like she genuinely cares about your mom. Love goes beyond b***d as you mentioned that your dad walked Lily’s mom down the aisle even. Funnily enough, you seem to have taken zero interest in getting closer to this “adopted” family that your parents obviously care about.
Fourth, you are in your 50s… that means your mom must be in her 70s? Considering that, she’s probably set in her ways due to her age. In her head, the driveway is where Lily parks every day, so the driveway needs to be clear for her.
I doubt that your mom would’ve thought much further. I agree that it was unnecessary of her to ask you to move your car but old people can be weird like that.
You seem to be carrying a lot of resentment towards your mother.
It’s unclear whether that started before Lily came into your lives but I’d suggest that you talk with your mom instead of not robbing your sons of their grandmom (whom they rarely see anyway) in her remaining days.” mili_minutes
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You are ascribing motives to your mother that may or may not be true. It’s easy to dismiss Lily as ‘the granddaughter your mother always wanted’ and paint yourself and your boys as unwanted blameless victims. Yet in your comments, you share a lot more insights.
Lily and her mom are a deep part of her everyday life. You say Lily and your mom help each other with medical appointments, Lily arranges your mom’s dog grooming, takes her to the Apple Store to help her buy technology, and are there for each other every day.
You and your sons can be close with her but it’s ‘we live 8 hours away and have our own lives’ close. Lily is ‘you are my everyday life and we love, help and depend on each other’ close.
Can you reframe this in your head that you are so fortunate your mom has the love, caring, and companionship of Lily?
Did you boys ever ask to go see your mom for a week or two during the school holidays? Did they take an interest in the language and culture? The Europe trip sounds so wonderful that your mom got to travel and found someone to go with her and share it with.
Why are you bitter? Your mom and dad taught Lily Italian and French. She came over and learned from them, day in and day out, year in and year out. And she expressed interest in not only the language but the culture.
It culminated in them planning and taking a trip to visit the places they’d spent years talking about.
She doesn’t owe your boys a trip to Europe, for goodness sake. And don’t make comparisons. She gave each of her grandsons 300.
She also took a trip with a friend she’s close to. Maybe she framed it as a gift so Lily wouldn’t feel guilty. I am speculating on this part but I wonder if your son and nephew given the choice would have said yes to giving up their whole summer after high school to leave their friends and travel around alone with their grandmother.
I don’t think that sounds fun.
So please don’t be jealous. If you want to be closer to your mother, go back and visit. Learn her norms. Learn her day-to-day (including who parks where). Spend time with her. Have your boys do the same.
Love is a verb and there is plenty of it for Lily and all of you.
At the end of the day, she could have let Lily park on the street for once instead of having you move. But you read so much meaning into it and came away with a lifetime of hurt which you say you’ve never discussed with your mother.
Could this be the right time for you to speak to her?” TresWhat
4. AITJ For Pretending Not To Know My Fiancée?
“So, my fiancée (maybe not for much longer) and I were on our way back from a vacation recently.
It was a great time and everything went off without an issue. That is until we started boarding the plane. Now, I know better, I only bring a small backpack with essentials in case I don’t get my checked bags.
I can survive out of this backpack and it will always pass baggage check for size and weight (done a lot of traveling so why fight the system).
My fiancée didn’t wanna listen to my advice and chose to bring basically a regular full-size bag that barely fits the standards of carry-on, but generally speaking, the airline worker doesn’t wanna deal with the trouble and allowed it through.
But this time the airline worker was not having it. It was a packed flight, we were boarding last in economy and it was just chaotic. I got through just fine first with my little backpack, but I could hear the argument from the boarding tunnel thingy and it was getting heated. I was about to go back and try to smooth it out but my fiancé rushed past and just boarded the plane, I assumed not having heard it super clear that the attendant had given in and let her on.
That was not the case!
So we found our seats and settled in. I was pretty tired and I could tell she was upset so I just kinda tucked into the window and put my hat down and tried to take a nap.
But soon after the airline worker and a cop show up and they are not messing around, and want her off the plane. She tries to plead and cry, etc. but they are not having it. And maybe in a moment of panic or just plain self-preservation… the cop asks if we’re together, and I blurt out, ‘NO!’ shaking my head emphatically.
I got kill dagger eyes from her as she shot up and grabbed her bag and followed the cop-out. She was also swearing and screaming the whole way out.
Now, obviously, this is well after the event I’m posting this.
But when she did eventually get home (she caught the next flight out with the bag checked, lol), I was there to pick her up. She obviously thought I was the jerk, and to be honest almost everyone I know thinks I’m a jerk except my boss and co-workers, who for context was very much relying on me to be back on time, which I gave my word I would, for a really important project that was time sensitive.
They were all very happy I didn’t get thrown off too.
So, am I the jerk for this self-preservation?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“It’s clear that YTJ! You were heading back home so I presume the first time you boarded everything was fine with the bag.
But suddenly it’s a problem? I wouldn’t know what to do and find it ridiculous that it’s a problem now. I maybe wouldn’t suddenly board the plane but I can imagine it was a panicked reaction of your fiancé who didn’t know what to do in this situation.
She was also alone in the situation because you already left her there. Then she is in the worst possible situation and yes of her own making but you just leave her behind and think of yourself. Marrying someone is promising you to be there for the good and bad times.
You clearly aren’t capable to make this vow. She should leave you because it became clear she can’t count on you. Yes, she was wrong but you should have stood by her and afterward given her your honest opinion.” Archaeology_of_magic
Another User Comments:
“I think everyone sucks here.
Your partner acted extremely entitled and paid the price. It’s understandable you didn’t want to share her punishment, especially considering a) you did nothing wrong and b) you had a job to get back to.
That said, your finance is part of your family, whether you deserved to be kicked off the plane or not, leaving her alone at the airport is a bit of a jerk move honestly, regardless of the reason. Unless she acts like this regularly, she was having a moment of madness and could have probably done with someone to make sure she was okay.
So I can see why she was upset at being left alone.
It’s a crap situation but I think you both could have handled it differently.” Charlieuk
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Look, there’s a strong chance she’s not your fiancée much longer, but you’ve also avoided the no-fly list and made it home as intended, keeping your job and finances in order.
Does it suck you left her to deal with that solo? Yes, but you also warned her of potential issues which she ignored, and she should have to deal with that herself.
If she comes out the other side of this and wants to discuss her actions as well as yours and can reflect on how her behavior caused your actions, it could be a communication building block for your relationship.
If you do get past it, I’d buy her a cabin bag as a honeymoon gift, but I’m also weird like that.” TheDaymanALSOCameth
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Obviously, your fiancée’s behavior was unacceptable and she faced the consequences of her own decisions in an undignified way.
But you were traveling together, and pretending not to know someone you’re with when they’re in trouble (even trouble they’re themselves responsible for), especially in a foreign location is really crappy thing to do. They wouldn’t have thrown you out as well if your luggage was in accordance with regulations and you had a valid ticket, but you could have at least offered your fiancé some words of encouragement.
Yes, she acted irresponsibly and then reacted childishly to the consequences, which sucks, but everyone makes mistakes, and being left alone like this by a loved one because of a mistake must have been really hard for her.” Kotoperek
3. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be Part Of My Mom's Wedding?
“I have always sort of been the black sheep of my family. As a result, I now live a reasonable distance away so I can choose when to interact, which means I’m usually the last to receive important plans or information.
So about two weeks ago my mom called me and told me she and her long-term partner had decided to get married. This is essentially how it went.
Mom – ‘So x and I decided to get married.’
Me – ‘What do you mean decided, was there a proposal?’
Mom – ‘no, we just had a conversation about it.
Me – ‘haha okay that’s a bit strange, but congratulations! I’m happy for you!’
Mom – ‘see this is why I didn’t tell you, you’re so weird about things, etc’
So after that, I didn’t really ask about the wedding again because I didn’t feel like dealing with her being set off over nothing. My cousin is the wedding planner though, so she’s been calling me to give updates and venting about the process.
She told me I was to be a bridesmaid which I said sure to. They sent me two dresses to choose from, which I did.
Then last night my cousin calls me saying my mom has decided to change the dress.
She sent me the new one and it was just… hideous. Not to mention it was more expensive than the one we’d already chosen. So I told her I didn’t necessarily like it and asked what had changed. She got frustrated with me asking and just said ‘call your mom’.
So I did, and told her the same thing and asked what was wrong with the first dress.
And I was bombarded. She ranted about how this is her wedding, and she was tired of everyone having an opinion. I said I didn’t understand why I was being yelled at, it seemed like everyone else in the bridal party had gotten to have an opinion and I’d only voiced one.
She responded with ‘see this is why I didn’t tell you, this is why I just want to go to the courthouse, etc’. So I said fine if I can’t have one SINGULAR OPINION on something I have to pay for, just take me out of the bridal party, and I’ll be a guest.
Now my cousin is saying that was extremely selfish of me, and it doesn’t matter how ugly I think the dress is I just need to put it on for a day. But for me it’s about the principle, I’m tired of being treated like a second-class citizen in my own family.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Seriously, if this is the example you have of how you are being treated like a second-class citizen, I’m not convinced. You’ve chosen to keep your distance, you choose when to interact with them, and somehow it’s unreasonable that you are the last to get updates?
Uh-huh?
Your reaction to your mother announcing to you that she’s getting married was ‘that’s a bit strange’? Why? It sounds very adult and sensible to ‘have a conversation’ about whether to get married. Not everybody needs a Grand Romantic Proposal.
It doesn’t seem as though you have shown the slightest interest in your mother’s wedding, at any rate not to her. She’s obviously feeling stressed about the whole process, and it sounds as though you not being pleased about the dress change is one of a succession of straws burdening her.
If you’d reacted like an adult, you could have said, Mom, slow down, tell me what’s been going on. You could have let her rant until she was done, then asked what you could do to help her feel better about things.
Instead, you bounced straight to Sulky Brat mode and made the gap between you even wider by saying you don’t want to be in the wedding. Was that what you wanted?
YTJ” YourLittleRuth
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’ve been unkind about the entire situation.
You never tell someone their ‘engagement’ is weird, that’s rude and hurtful. You also shouldn’t have a say in the bridesmaid dress or really anything else. It’s not your wedding.
However, telling you that you’re a bridesmaid instead of asking you is presumptuous.
I suspect, though, that she may have been wanting to include you, but was afraid to ask you because of your behavior. You’ve really put her in a difficult situation. From her standpoint, there was no way to win with you.
If you weren’t included, you might blow up at her, but look at how you behaved when she did include you. It’d be less stressful for her if you weren’t involved, but it’d hurt part of her heart to not have you there on her special day.” Ecstatic_Lake_3281
Another User Comments:
“Your reaction to your mom telling you she was engaged was unkind. Your lack of understanding about the stress of wedding planning was unkind. Your mom and family may be difficult people in general, but your lack of empathy means you are no angel.
In this particular case, you made an unprovoked rude comment when Mom told you she was getting married. Your cousin may have complained to you too much — I’m assuming she is a volunteer wedding planner as opposed to a professional— but the irritation you experienced doesn’t justify your reaction.
You won’t be at your mom’s wedding because the dress is ugly? Seriously? I don’t think this is about the dress at all. This is about the complicated involved/uninvolved relationship you have with your family.
You moved away to get away from the dynamic but still, talk with your cousin frequently enough that she is that open with you about her frustrations.
Are you at all unhappy (even if overall relieved) that she is doing the planning instead of you? Is there some hurt that you aren’t closer to your family and that’s maybe coming out in a silly spat over a dress?
Seems like some of your chosen distance is a self-protective maneuver because maybe you don’t have the kind of relationship with your family that you’d ideally want.
Get yourself together because you are behaving badly. In this case, YTJ.” dj1nni1
2. AITJ For Hijacking My Mother-In-Law's Thanksgiving Dinner?
“We currently live with MIL. I don’t need any judgment as we already feel awful about it. MIL is nice enough, but her husband ‘Nate’ is a jerk.
He treats us both like dirt on his shoes and constantly takes digs at us. MIL insists he is just joking, but I can tell this man hates us.
We are planning on getting out as soon as possible and someone gave me a couch.
MIL wouldn’t let me have it in the house, so I was going to keep it outside for a bit (checked the weather) Nate and MIL were both mad and kept saying I was making their house look like trash and the neighbors are going to think we are trashy.
Yet they still wouldn’t let me have it in the house?
Last night there was a bad fight. We were all just mad at each other. Nate was supposed to go out with his friends. To be honest, my husband had had a few beers and made fun of his outfit.
Then Nate is really clingy, so it takes him forever to go because he has to keep hugging MIL again. My husband said something, and Nate called him some names. I thought it was all good, but when Nate got home he did something to make MIL shriek to intentionally wake up our baby, looked at me with a menacing grin, and told me to have a good night.
Cue the next morning I went to check on the couch and found small cuts like maybe from a box cutter. I was irate. I obviously accused Nate. He denied it and immediately began belittling me, making fun of the couch, and just making it personal. I told MIL I am done with him and honestly kind of with her for defending him.
I said I won’t sit at the same table as him again. MIL defended him and said it was probably an animal, or it wasn’t a big deal, but I’m worried the couch is going to unravel, so I feel it is a complete loss.
The family began arriving like 30 minutes ago and I’m being honest about why I will not be leaving my room. Some people are coming up to hang with us especially since we have the baby, and some are calling us jerks.
Nate is adamant that he didn’t do anything to the couch, but how can I believe him? MIL yelled at me that I’m a drama queen and tried to shame them in front of the family because I ‘hate when she is happy’ I was also told I’m a jerk for eating the food MIL cooked. I don’t care and right now I refuse to go to the table.”
Another User Comments:
“Yep, YTJ. There’s no proof that Nate did anything, and you’re hiding in your room on a major holiday, being bold enough to eat the food your MIL made without being a guest at her dinner.
You guys can fight over the couch later, but keep in mind she’s an adult letting her adult son, his wife, and their infant child live with them, and eating her food without attending her dinner is mad disrespectful.” caffeinated92
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You are living in THEIR home… that’s right it may be your MIL’s home but it is also Nate’s home. He may or may not be very nice but he is putting a roof over your head.
But honestly doesn’t sound like you’re being very nice either. The sounds like there may be a reason he is fed up with you and is irritable. MIL Is nice enough… Yes, she and Nate were nice enough to put a roof over your head when you didn’t have one.
You are acquiring furniture they don’t want and storing it on their property against their consent.
You’re calling them names and causing arguments.
You have no proof that NATE actually did anything. You don’t actually know for sure he did it you just think he did… so you are slandering him.
The thing to consider – neighborhood teens might well have done it. It’s the sort of thing that kids stupidly do. Maybe a neighbor has gotten fed up with seeing the couch and got petty. There is a whole host of explanations that don’t include Nate being involved.
You have now decided to hijack your MIL’s thanksgiving dinner… Again on a supposition… Again what did you expect her to do… throw her husband out for something he says he didn’t do.
Quite frankly, from your description, you sound like a nightmare and it speaks well of them that they haven’t kicked you out and told you to sort yourselves out.
You sound massively bratty and entitled actually. If you don’t like him stop taking his hospitality. It’s low.” Whitestaunton
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. There’s a lot to unpack here. You come for judgment and your second sentence says no one can judge you.
That sentence isn’t necessary so you must be having issues.
I can remember not being allowed to go to the dinner table for not saying please. I doubled down and would not say it until they made me. I was 3 THREE.
It’s not okay to get wasted and make fun of someone in their own home. You say you can’t trust them, well how can they trust you or your husband? You expect MIL to stand up for you, but you didn’t do that for Nate when your husband was insulting him.
You don’t get along, so insults are not funny. They are insulting.
All of you are terrible for arguing about a couch. Maybe you could have stored it in the bedroom or a garage. Or maybe ask the people who sold you the couch to keep it for you when you move.
Most adults don’t just want some random couch just dropped off in their living room. Not only does it crowd things and mess up the decore but some have bed bugs, fleas, etc. I definitely would not want it inside my living room.
But the way your BIL is acting is also very immature and terrible.
You can’t prove anything on the couch, so just let it go and lesson learned. Now go out there and celebrate your family at the table.
At least get some good food.” INFJPersonality-52
1. AITJ For Refusing To Go To A Thanksgiving Dinner I Was Uninvited From?
“So I (22f) and my husband (22m) were un-invited to Thanksgiving dinner roughly a week ago due to some drama between my sister (28f) and me. My mom (53f) took my sister’s (we’ll call her ‘Sam’) side due to their beliefs lining up against mine and my husband’s.
I can’t go into detail on what the drama is about, but it’s a pretty common argument between divided political belief families. I posted something about something that happened to me at a young age, and Sam screenshotted it to show my mom.
Then, my mom posted something mocking what happened to me and turned the attention to her (she does this very often). I was hurt that Sam did that, so I sent her a screenshot showing that I knew what she did, and blocked her on everything, including her number.
A few days later, Sam came over to my parents’ house for a family game night that I was conveniently not invited to (even though my husband and I had to stay with them for a few months). I went to leave for work when I saw Sam’s car parked behind mine.
I tried squeezing out between her car and my mom’s, but my dad came out and told me to stop, that he was gonna have Sam move it. Sam came out, pounded on my window, and when I opened it she threw her keys at my face and told me to move her car cause she wasn’t.
I got out and drove her car around to the other side of the block in our neighborhood. Long story short, they screamed at me, blocked me from leaving, and my dad convinced me to just move the car back since she ‘has two kids with her.’
Roughly a week ago, I visited my parents to help out with some cleaning. I asked my mom who was going to Thanksgiving dinner, and asked if Sam was going to be there. My mom immediately said, ‘well you can’t come because I’m not gonna ask Sam not to come to Thanksgiving.’ She then yelled about how I needed to get over it and apologize to Sam.
That she was apparently SO heartbroken about everything (I know my sister, and I highly doubt she cares). I said I didn’t feel the need to, and I wasn’t going to lie.
Earlier today, my mom asked when we were coming over for Thanksgiving tomorrow.
I said we’re not coming because she uninvited us last week, and she proceeded to go on and on about how she never said that, and if she did then she didn’t mean it. She kept saying that I was going to regret this and that Sam didn’t do anything wrong.
I still don’t feel like I did anything wrong, but AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your family is toxic. Put on your phone and Do Not Disturb and enjoy your day with your husband.
Also, seriously consider lowering your contact with all of your family members altogether.
Don’t go clean their house, don’t stay there, etc… These people aren’t nice to you, and you deserve to spend your time doing things that are better for your mental health.” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You say such horrendous things about them, so why do you get mad when they disagree with you or have a game night without you?
Just because you are facing childhood neglect doesn’t mean that you should expect them to be also facing the reality of the toxic family system.
Why would you bring up political topics when you know that’s a touchy subject in any situation, but especially with people who have opposing views?
You keep setting yourself up for disappointment. If they are so horrible, leave them alone.
Watch YouTube by Patrick Teahan about toxic family systems.” FrauAmarylis
