People Beg To Know "Am I The Jerk" In Their Story
19. AITJ For Having Different Views Than My Wife About Fatherhood?
“My significant other (F) and I have a daughter who is the absolute light of my life. My significant other has always been more of a hands-on parent, but I am actively involved in our daughter’s life and do things with her every day. However, my significant other often nags me about doing more for our daughter and yells at me for not anticipating what our daughter needs all the time.
I pointed out to her that motherhood and fatherhood are fundamentally different from a biological perspective; from the beginning, she needed to have more hands-on time with our daughter because of postpartum depression and breastfeeding and such, and these types of things carry on through childhood as our daughter is naturally more used to physical contact and comfort from her mother than from me.
My significant other did not like this at all and blew up at me and accused me of being prejudiced. I am not prejudiced; I just think there is a fundamental difference between a mother and her child and a father and his child, and some things that come naturally to her don’t come naturally to me.
Am I the jerk for my view?
Another User Comments:
“YTJ to such a degree that you drove me to comment on this sub after lurking for a long time.
I am a father and a husband, and I will say that I agree that fatherhood and motherhood are different, but not in the ways you claim.
I try my hardest to raise my kids and be a good partner to my wife. We both work, we split the housework relatively evenly, we try to have equal time with our kids. At the end of the day though, I can never understand what my wife is going through. She had the added burden of creating our children and being constantly judged for every choice she made by everyone from friends to random strangers sitting next to us at restaurants.
Now, things still can’t be equal, no matter how hard we try to make them, because the bar is always lower for me. If I pack a sandwich for my kid, I’m dad of the year for doing the bare minimum. If my wife packs a sandwich, the teacher asks why she left out carrots and a juice box to make it a balanced meal. I get praised for putting my kid’s hair up.
My wife gets criticized for not properly cutting our toddler’s bangs.
Fatherhood and motherhood are not equal because there is a higher bar for moms that leads to constant pressure and stress that you and I can never really understand. However, we can work just as hard as our wives to be the best parents we can to our children, and yes, that includes anticipating their needs, doing mental labor, AND supporting our partners through motherhood while they face a million criticisms that we will never have to hear.
Do better, and be better to your partner, if only because your daughter will eventually understand that you treat her mother like crap and won’t want you around when she’s older.” Appropriate_Radish
18. AITJ For Calling My Colleague "Chunky" When She Keeps Calling "Skinny?
“I have a female co-worker who repeatedly calls me out regarding my weight. I’m female 5’9” 115lbs and very thin. She is very overweight. All the time she makes comments about my weight. She doesn’t call me by name. She calls me “slim” and I even heard her say one time “go ask toothpick” and she has said stuff like “you need some meat on your bones” & “you need to eat”.
I have only worked there 8 days. I have asked her very nicely to stop. Yesterday I asked her to stop calling me slim again and she basically said it’s her mouth and she can say what she wants.
Today when she said “morning slim” I replied “morning chunky” and she got upset and actually started crying.
Everybody here at work, (only 6 of us total) is saying I’m wrong and I should apologize because being called fat is “different” than being called skinny because being called skinny is a “compliment”. I said as long as she calls me slim, I will call her chunky and now I’m the bad person. AITA if I don’t apologize?
The owner/manager has completely ignored the situation saying it’s “a high school issue and we should figure it out”.
EDIT FOR MORE INFO: We don’t have HR. There are only 6 of us working here (cupcake shop). We are all regular employees. I went to the owner BEFORE I called her chunky and I asked him to talk to her because I felt she was harassing me.
That’s when he said we can handle it ourselves. That’s why I called her chunky. I told her to stop calling me slim and I didn’t like it and she continued to do it. She didn’t stop doing it after I asked multiple times and I didn’t know what to do besides what she was doing to me.
She brought up my weight, I brought up her’s.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ by a long shot. Just because she apparently defines herself by her appearance does not give her the right to define you by yours. Objectification sucks, period.” Certain_Ad
Another User Comments:
“What’s more dehumanizing is people justifying shaming someone thinner by saying it’s all compliments, I hate being called toothpick and skinny and stuff.
It’s offensive because I have a hard time putting on weight, no matter how much I want to. It’s brought a lot of health issues about that I would rather avoid.” PandaBearWithATaco
Another User Comments:
“It honestly doesn’t matter if it’s a compliment or not. Calling someone “the hot blonde” is a compliment but that doesn’t make it okay to only refer to your coworker like that.
Can you imagine, “Hey, hot blonde, can you do this?” “Is the hot blonde gonna be at the 10 am meeting tomorrow?” It’s so unprofessional and borders on harassment to be honest.
Either way, agreed. I hate people I’m not close with (and my doctor) commenting on my body. Yes, I know I’m skinny, thanks. You saying that isn’t gonna make me gain 20lbs.” RealChrisHemsworth
17. AITJ For Not Wanting My Bro To Come Out Of The Closet At My Wedding?
“Ok, this is the worst. I’m losing sleep over this.
I’m getting married in a week to an awesome woman, and I cannot wait to be her husband, we are so excited.
My brother is gay, but my family doesn’t know, only me and my parents know. I come from a very old school traditional family, so the old part of the family, grandparents and some aunts/uncles still have last century’s mind, and the younger portion, cousins/siblings are open-minded and are living in the present.
So my brother has been seeing his bf for 6 months now, the dude is great, I’m so happy my brother found a great guy. But it’s kind of a secret, as he hasn’t told my family he is out of the closet.
I’ve been telling him for years that he should come out, cause I know it stresses him a lot, and I think it will make him feel better not to hide anymore, plus I bet a few family members already know anyway.
But he disagrees cause he knows a part of the family won’t accept it and it will be a lot of drama. I see the opposite, I see it as the sooner you know who the idiots are, the sooner we can cut them from our lives. I have no interest in having someone in my life who doesn’t accept my brother being gay.
Anyway, that’s his decision, not mine, so for now he won’t say anything.
Until a few weeks ago, when he said he wants to bring his bf to my wedding. I was not expecting that to be honest. So he went from 0 to 100 pretty fast.
If it was any other occasion I would be supportive obviously, but I don’t think my wedding day is the day to do that.
Imagine all the drama and gossip and bullcrap that would happen. And I don’t want to get the attention away from my fiancée, that’s her day. And I don’t wanna have to worry about that on my wedding day, and I think it’s a pretty good reason.
I asked him why my wedding day?
He said it’s because he wants to celebrate love with the 2 people he loves the most, me and his man. This is killing me. I would fight my whole family for my brother and never speak to them again if I had to, but my wedding day is supposed to be a celebration, not a family fight, and I can’t do this to my wife, that might ruin our future.
I didn’t even tell her, she is already stressed out. I don’t wanna make it even worse. With a heavy heart, I asked him to please come alone to the wedding, and that I hope he understands me. He started crying and left my house without saying anything. Next day I got a text and he said, “Don’t worry, going alone.” I tried calling him but he didn’t answer me, and my parents don’t seem to know what’s happening because they didn’t say anything.
He eventually called me back a few days later, we spoke, he said he understands my side, but things are still weird between us. This is the worst situation of my life, am I the jerk for handling it the way I did?
Update: spoke to fiancée, couldn’t keep this from her anymore, she agreed with me.
Clarification: I know it won’t be my brother that would cause trouble. The trouble would start with remarks and looks from some aunt/uncle. Doesn’t matter, we are spending a lot on this wedding, planned it for a long time, my fiancee put her heart and soul into planning this wedding. I don’t want to see my bride or mom crying, or some idiot uncle insulting my brother.
Literally every other day of my life I will support my brother’s decision to come out. Even at the wedding, I would obviously defend him. But the point is, NOT AT THE WEDDING. Also, MY BROTHER IS NOT THE JERK. Not at all.
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. God I’m queer and I gotta say, a sibs wedding would NOT be the place to trot out that bit of my life.
It’s your wedding it’s your day. Although I have to say if your wife is level-headed she wouldn’t let a family fight ruin your relationship.” FlamingCabbag91
Another User Comments:
“This problem seems to have had a simple solution; have him come out before the wedding. But that’s not the solution his brother chose. I do wish OP would’ve suggested that so we could see how he reacted…like, maybe it was an impulsive thing he hadn’t fully thought about.
I mean, I get some of it – I’m gay and my sister’s wedding was the first time some of my extended family met my bf, but that’s more because I just never see them (and didn’t expect any issues).
I would love to talk to my brother and figure out what his thought process was.
I suspect there was some element of, “If I do it today, maybe people won’t freak.”
As a side note, I haven’t seen anyone mention that this is totally a jerk thing brother would be doing to the partner.
Edit: Yes, people, the wedding is a week away. But this was brought up several weeks ago, with plenty of time to address it.
I also wonder how long OP waited before saying something to his brother – like if he let the brother think it was fine for those several weeks to only backtrack it later. Not that it changed my judgment of the situation, but it would explain why it got more awkward between them.” apathyontheeast
Another User Comments:
“OP had been suggesting for years that bro come out. So it probably didn’t occur to him to change the language to “… BEFORE the wedding” bc he had no reason to think that bro would suddenly come out now: ‘I’ve been telling him for years that he should come out, cause I know it stresses him a lot, and I think it will make him feel better not to hide anymore, plus I bet a few family members already know anyway.'” valkyriesword
Another User Comments:
“Well, I think there is a way to satisfy both the coming out before the wedding and have the partner there.
There are wedding activities that occur before the wedding, like the rehearsal dinner, people coming into town and meeting at the hotel or venue beforehand, etc.
If the brother brought his man and they made sure to attend those pre-wedding activities, then by the time the actual wedding happens, the coming out would be old news – and it has the protection of having supportive family members around.” ChicagoFaucet
16. AITJ For Thinking My Girl's Gymnastic Routine Is Too Risqué?
“I’ve been seeing my GF for about a month. Honestly, I feel much stronger about her than she does me, but I’m hoping she comes around. She is on our university gymnastics team and is an incredible athlete. I went to her meet this afternoon and was freaking shocked to see how much of her floor routine had sensual elements.
She did her routine to Rhianna’s “P’on Da Replay” and as an example, she crawled on all fours, she shook her butt, she did this thing where she went up and down her body with her finger (including her chest) and then acted like her finger was sizzling. And during all this, her teammates cheered. I was blown away that this sort of sensuality was not only allowed but encouraged.
After the meet, I told her I didn’t think she should do that sort of stuff. She told me that it was normal for gymnastics and that her routine had been worked out for years with coaches and choreographers. I told her it was normal for exotic dancers who danced for dollar bills. She told me I didn’t get it.
I told her that I didn’t understand what was to get, I was her man and it was my job to look out for her. She told me, “You are literally a jerk and way overstepping your bounds!” I told her that I didn’t want to fight and she said it was too late. So instead of us going on a romantic date, I had planned, she decided to hang out with her teammates.
I am so upset because I was counting on seeing her tonight.
Based on what she said, am I the jerk for thinking her routine should be less sensual and telling her so?”
Another User Comments:
“She’s 100% right that you were way overstepping your bounds. You probably won’t have to worry about anything she does in the future, though.
I’d be shocked if she isn’t done with your Victorian butt.” Stellaaahhhh
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, dude. Don’t control your partner because of your insecurities. If she competes at the university level, don’t squash her dreams. It’s a routine, not an invitation for hooking up with every man in the audience. You’re being ridiculous.” Achleys
Another User Comments:
“And think about it from this perspective, if she is on a university team, as an NCAA athlete, I know that if I told my coach to change something because my partner asked me to, I would be so off the team with no second chances of ever returning. Idk how her coach is but based on my experiences with college coaches, they get mad when someone even mentions their significant other at practice.
And I can only imagine how they would feel if she were to change a routine solely because you asked her to.” agirlhasnoname10
15. AITJ For Not Wanting To Tell My Colleagues How I Actually Lost My Fingers?
“I have three fingers missing on my dominant hand. It’s fine. I can type and everything and I can even manage to tie my shoelaces most days (and on the days I can’t, that’s the dyspraxia). However, I won’t deny that it looks a bit odd to most people. I only have my fourth and fifth fingers so my hand looks a bit like a child’s drawing of a rabbit, and not a good one.
I’m used to people asking about it, usually after staring for a good minute or two, but I still find it annoying. I really don’t get why you’d think it would be an OK thing to ask someone about, but hey. I wasn’t raised in a barn. Usually, I nip the questioning in the bud by just explaining the truth from the get-go and assuming that enough people will gossip about it that the message will spread by the end of the day (it always, always does).
Anyway, I started a new job about a month ago, and I honestly could not face going through that same cycle again. I felt like the time had come to not play into it anymore and to make something out of it – and I decided to make myself laugh.
When the first new coworker asked about it, I completely lied and told her that I chewed them off as a baby.
I then decided to tell the next person who asked that I cut them off with a plastic knife at a picnic, and the next person that I was born with six fingers and they removed too many, and so on. All genuinely ridiculous reasons but I’m a good actor and they actually believed my stupid lies.
I didn’t expect them to (a plastic knife… through bone?!) but there you go. Maybe they just thought there’s no way I’d lie about how I lost my fingers.
Within about 3 days, I learned that my coworkers had been arguing about the actual reason and it seems like a lot of them now actively dislike me for lying to them.
I’m probably going to have to make some cupcakes over the weekend with my super cool 3D printed adaptive whisk to get back into their good books.
Anyway, I told this story to my brother today and he told me that I was a jerk because I caused tension within the office on my first day and made people feel stupid for being gullible and believing my lies.
My argument is that I’m not the jerk because they were asking a rude, albeit common, question and because I didn’t do it with the intention of deceiving them, I was just honestly fed up with the question and didn’t think they’d think I actually severed three fingers with dental floss when I was 3. I’ll accept my judgment, though.
Update: I’m getting real tired of explaining why it’s not cool to ask people why they lost limbs or digits just because you want to sate your morbid curiosity. A few reminders for people: I’m not a male (don’t know why everyone assumed that!), don’t ask people about something that could be traumatic, especially when you don’t actually know them, and when making cupcakes, always cream the butter.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is funny and anyone offended is being way too uptight.” iLuvTopanga17
Another User Comments:
“Honestly, I really genuinely think it is 100% rude to ask, no matter if you have a rapport with the coworker or not. I understand being curious because I myself am a very curious person about things like that but that doesn’t mean that your curiosity gets to trump that person’s right to privacy.
My cousin’s husband lost parts of his fingers in an accident at work, which I only heard from other people in the family. He’s part of our family and I still feel like it would be rude for me to ask him about it just because I wanted to satiate my own curiosity. Someone with a disability like that may be very sensitive about it and you could really upset someone by asking.”
14. AITJ For Feeling Too Exhausted To Attend My Daughter's Birthday?
“Some background: I have 2 daughters from my previous marriage, they are 8 and 11. I love them but I would say my relationship with them is kind of rocky. I try my best to visit or make phone calls but it hardly ever happens due to busy schedules. Naturally, I have a better relationship/connection with my son (3) in my current marriage – I obviously would never tell them that.
My son and daughter have birthdays that happen to be 2 days apart. The plan was to celebrate my son’s birthday and then spend the weekend with my daughters. It was exciting for all of us because I haven’t seen them since last summer
The weekend comes around but I realized I couldn’t make it.
We had just thrown a big party for my son and I was extremely exhausted. Plus, it’s a 6-hour drive between us.”
My wife said it was a jerk move. My ex-wife is mad and told me the girls are upset and disappointed. I’m the only one who thinks it was a valid excuse.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Wow, you’re also going to cause resentment between your daughters and their half-brother. OP wasn’t too tired to spend time with his daughters, he simply just does not prioritize them.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“This really bothers me, I have an 11-year-old daughter who I partially share custody with my ex-wife, I get her every weekend, sometimes my ex wants to take her out of town on a trip, or another family activity where I dont get to see her for that particular weekend.
It hurts every time even though it only happens a handful of times a year, I couldn’t imagine not seeing my daughter for almost a year then saying, “I can’t come to your birthday party that your mom is throwing you because I’m too tired.” What a jerk.” DoJu318
My dad would beg off weekends with me. One year, he promised he'd take me on a "date". He was supposed to take me to see Batman (it was 1989) and then to McDonald's after. I was excited about it for two weeks. He didn't pick me up, so my mom's boyfriend at the time walked me to my grandma's house where my dad lived. The second he opened the door, he glared at me with a frown and said, "What the **** you doin' here? I had plans this weekend!" I was rendered speechless, and seriously thought of chasing my mom's boyfriend down for him to walk me back home. I just avoided my dad as much as possible and couldn't wait for him to drive me home the next night. After that, I refused to speak to him for two years.
Parents don't realize the mental and emotional damage they cause their kids when they reject them for any reason, and saying, "I'm just too exhausted to spend time with my daughters" is so gross and heartbreaking. Even more so since he refuses to get it.
13. AITJ For Telling My Girl She's In My Top 3?
“I (M26) have been with my gf (F24) for 6 months now. Everything is great and I love her a lot and all that.
Last night we were cuddling in bed after having a really great day together and she asked me if she was the best partner ever?
I hesitated and said, “You’re definitely up there.” Well of course she asked what I meant and I explained that she was definitely in the top 3 of my favorite partner’s with room to move to the top. Needless to say a fight broke out and she told all her friends and they all think I’m a giant jerk and now she wants to hang out with her friends this weekend and have some space to think about things.
I dunno, I was just trying to be honest, but I guess lying would have made her happier.
She knows about my favorite partner but maybe not how close we truly were. Me and my ex had something special, something neither of us had experienced before and something I’m not sure I will ever experience again.
Unfortunately, things didn’t work out and we mutually ended it but I will remember what we had forever. I just feel like lying and saying that she wasn’t the best I’ve ever had wouldn’t be fair to her or myself honestly. So, AITJ for not lying and telling my current partner that she isn’t my best partner ever?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Dude, she was being cutesy. The answer was ‘yes.’ She wasn’t asking for a definitive ranking. And also, if you’re still hung up on your ex you shouldn’t be in a new relationship.” wigglebuttbiscuits
Another User Comments:
“YTJ you’ll probably be in her top 3 worst comments ex-man’s said though, so congrats.” aha1234ash
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Try to avoid ranking and comparing your partners. Obviously, it’s ok to acknowledge that “man this ex was so terrible,” but a ranked list of partners that you keep mentally shows that you’re in the process of comparing them. Your friend shouldn’t have to match up to a previous partner.
Me and my ex had something special, something neither of us had experienced before and something I’m not sure I will ever experience again.
It really doesn’t sound like you’re over her. Why would you get in a relationship with someone new if you weren’t over her? That’s the main reason you’re the jerk.” littledifficult
Another User Comments:
“My dude, you messed up. ‘Top three with room to move to the top’? Totally savage. I hope you like sleeping alone for a while.” —Leavemetomysleep
12. AITJ For Not Wanting My Husband's Bro To Live With Us Because He Peed On My Stuff?
“My (29F) husband Ted (34M) and I have been together for 10 years. We met early in college and dated all throughout. I graduated before him and took a semester for travelling while he finished so we could move to another state. He ended up having to repeat some classes so when I came back we couldn’t move yet and I had no place of my own, so I moved in with him and his roommate/brother Ash (32M) while Ted finished school.
Before moving in, I made sure that Ted cleared it with Ash that I was bringing my male cat with me. They had a dog who was old but Ash said he was fine with it.
About 3 weeks after moving in, I started noticing that our bedroom started to smell a lot like pee and we couldn’t figure out where it was coming from.
My cat is toilet trained so I knew it wasn’t him, and the dog couldn’t go into our room because it was on the 2nd floor and he had hip problems. I started finding clothes on the floor smelling like pee.
I asked Ted and he said he had no idea. After 3 months of frustration and this happening about 2x week I asked Ash if he was bringing the dog upstairs, he said no. At this point I’m fed up, I stopped leaving clothes anywhere but I was still finding pee in my shoes, my throw pillows, things like that.
After breaking down one day, Ash suggested it was my cat marking his territory as male cats are known for doing that, he said it made sense as it was only on my things and it was a new place. If any of ya’ll have cats you know that cat pee smells different than human pee.
I trust my cat with my whole heart, so I set up a camera in our room, I was paying rent, my man knew about it so I figured this was the way to find out where the pee was coming from. Lo and behold, Ash was coming into our room AND PEEING ON MY STUFF.
When I saw the video I packed my things and cat, and went to stay with a friend until Ted finished college and we moved. When all of this happened, I refused to confront him because EWWW and Ted dealt with that.
I haven’t really spoken to Ash since, he was a best man at the wedding but we tend to keep clear of each other at family gatherings and such.
With the 2019 world pause, Ash lost his job and apartment and is honestly struggling financially. He asked if he could move in with us and I honestly don’t want to because HE PEED ON MY STUFF. He was 25 years old when it happened, he was a grown-up man. Now their whole family is calling and texting telling me I’m an jerk for leaving him homeless in the middle of a worldwide pause but it wasn’t their stuff getting peed on.
AITJ? Am I holding a grudge because HE PEED ON MY STUFF? He is losing his home, and his cat deserves a home but it was made very clear that I cannot just take in his cat and leave him to the elements. I know I’m justified but now Ted said that he couldn’t do that to his brother and the job market is better here for his type of job.
A few questions that have popped up a couple of times:
•Is Ash in therapy? He was last I checked, after peegate his mom made him go. That’s how we found out.
•Why did he do this? Ash and Ted were and are best friends and me coming into Ted’s life was threatening enough that he wanted to break us up.
Clearly, it didn’t work and it only made Ted go NC for a time. His therapist suggested that Ash had to make amends with his brother (according to my MIL who is the one who reconnected them) and ask for forgiveness for his actions. They reconnected and as long as i didn’t have to be with him and he never stepped into our home I could live with it.
•Why was he in the wedding? When we were getting married the party was more for our parents, we didn’t mind the courthouse but my parents wanted a big wedding because I’m the first of my sisters to get married. All of my sisters and all of Ted’s brothers were bridesmaids and groomsmen and we couldn’t exclude him, Ted and Ash are best friends after all and as long as I didn’t have to take pictures with Peeman himself and he didn’t give a speech I didn’t care.
•Why can’t any in his family take him? We live on the East coast. The rest of the family lives on the west coast. After many comments, I’m starting to doubt this next part but I’ll say it still because it’s the information I have: Ted’s profession is much more employable on the east coast than in the west, so him moving across would diminish his chances of finding a new job in his field.
I am in the process of convincing all of the brothers (there’s 8 more) to pitch in a bit so between us all he can stay there.
•Why do they think I’m a jerk? His whole family is very very forgive and forget, they have forgiven things that are appalling to me (car stealing, faking a college degree and keeping the coin, etc).
So they really think that this was just a one-time thing and he’s outgrown it and I just need to get over it.
•Did he apologize? He apologized to Ted but never to me which I am a bit bitter about. I was considering accepting an apology but you guys are right and that would be self-serving of him and a way to get back into my house and potentially give me peetsd (I’m sorry I promise I’m not making fun I just saw a chance and had to take it)
•Did he pay for the stuff he peed on? Well, since I didn’t know where pee was coming from I just kept washing the pee things. After the video, I did throw out everything that I remember had been peed on that did not hold sentimental value but there are 2 pairs of shoes currently in my home that have been golden showered. He did not pay for the stuff I threw out, and honestly, it never occurred to me to ask him.
I just cut my losses.
•What is your husband’s stand on this? Ted is the best human in the universe and he honestly puts up with enough of my shenanigans that I would legit let Peeman move in if it made Ted happy. As soon as everything happened he was disturbed and cut him off completely but after his mom said the therapist thought it would help him to make amends they made up.
Ted has never once pressed me to hang with Ash or for him to come to our house. When we got married he told me it was absolutely okay if I said no to Ash being the best man but I love him enough to deal with him when it’s necessary such as Christmas (except 2020) and big family events.
• Can I see the video? I’m sorry to disappoint you but no. As angered (hehe) as I might be at the man I do believe in privacy. When it happened I only sent it to Ted so he would believe me (because I honestly wouldn’t believe me if he told me one of my sisters was peeing in his stuff).
As far as I know, he has only shown it to his parents to provide proof that we weren’t making things up, and 2 of the older brothers because idk they’re guys and curious.
Mini-update: So pee has hit the fan in the family and my day has been awful. Some of the other brothers saw this post and all of your comments and the family didn’t have the whole story and apparently neither did I.
Brothers #3, #4 and #8 are on their way here to deal with it because I’m way over my head.
Stay hydrated.
More UPDATES:
— So I showed Ted. Ted understood that he had done wrong by me and that even though I was okay with it it was still inappropriate of him and the whole family to be how they are.
He apologized profusely for not demanding more from himself, his family and his brother when the whole thing happened and that Ash moving in with us was absolutely not going to happen. Being an engineer too he asked some professional contacts if there were any job opportunities for Ash. One of those contacts ended up being someone who works for the same company Ash did and told Ted that Ash hadn’t been fired, that he had quit but that he was welcome to have his job back.
Ted went to confront Ash about this (we live a couple hours away) while I was at work (I work 2 jobs, one at night 4-12pm and one part time during the day (because I want to and it brings me joy not because my husband is lacking in any way), and found some stuff that started a chain of events and truth unveilings that tbh just make me sad more than anything else.
— I’m probably going to get crap for sharing all of this but right now I don’t care, this is a resumed (yet still very long) version of everything that happened since my original post:
B stands for brother (of Ted’s), if I say wife #X please refer to the number of brother, not that any of them have multiple wives.
B#1 doctor with some type of military background. Wife, 3 kids. B#2 surgeon, wife, 2 dogs, and a bearded dragon B#3 engineer, fiancé and dog B#4 teacher and researcher, wife, 1 kid B#5 ??? Works in IT not sure of details, wife B#6 doctor, single and ready to mingle B#7 “chef”/ businessman, wife, 1 kid B#8 car sales, wife, 3 kids, fish B#9 Ted (wife and cat) B#10 Ash
I sat down with Ted to talk about everything you pointed out, he apologized immensely, we cried together, promised to do and be better. As you are now all aware his family is complicated and not rocking the boat was embedded into his heart. We both agreed to go to individual therapy, and if both therapists suggest we do couples then we do couples therapy too.
He ordered a tshirt that says ‘The most okayest human in the universe’ to cheer me up a bit.
Anyway, Ted calls his connections and finds out Ash didn’t quit, is furious about all the drama this is causing, and goes to confront him. He goes into his place, Ash is not there (Ted has a key for emergencies) he goes in anyway and waits.
He eventually has to go to the (guest) bathroom and it’s locked, so he goes into his room to use that bathroom and found a “situation” was the word he used when he told me. He called me, tells me to stay home and that he would be home later because he had to involve his family and didn’t want to subject me to more than he already had which had me thinking the worst but at that point I was scared and just told him to come back soon and be safe.
About 2 hours later wife#8 calls me crying to ask if I’m okay. I say idk Ted just told me vaguely about the situation and I haven’t heard since, she asks if I want to know which I did and then she starts off by apologizing saying that they didn’t know the whole story that B#5 had read my post and called B#7 to complain about me sharing the story online (apparently having your BIL pee in your stuff isn’t common enough that he knew it was our family by reading it /s), B#7 reads the story and says there are a few things about my version of events that sound off to him, he contacts B#2 who contacts their mom and by this point they’ve all read it.
I did have missed calls from B#6 and B#2 that I didn’t answer because I was working,
Anyway as many of you guessed the therapist part of Ash’s story was sketchy, turns out that the “therapist” he had been going to was a friend of his with 0 actual training and just pretended to be his therapist so his mom would get off his back about it.
He faked going to therapy (which his mom paid for) for about 3 years. My MIL found out and kept it secret, which she excused by saying she had forgiven other brothers for worse. All of this came to light because B#2 confronted her about Ash not apologizing to me because they were under the false impression that he had apologized and I had forgiven him (since I have a track record of being a doormat and the fact he was best man) which is why they were pushing him to live with us.
They also didn’t know “the territorial incident” had been going on for months, they knew it was a few instances but not as many as they actually were.
Back to wife#8 she tells me B#3, #4 and #8 were coming because Ted had asked for help which freaked me out and she tells me to talk to wife#1 because she could use some support.
I hang up and Ted had been calling me while I was on the phone and he just kept saying he’s so sorry and that his brothers will take care of everything so I just tell him to spit it out that I just spoke with w#8 and didn’t currently have the patience to be kept in the dark.
Apparently Ash has some mental issues and absolutely despises me and had pictures of me on his bathroom covered in pee. He apparently also had some of B#1s daughter (F14) (I honestly don’t know what she did to him to deserve this).
Ted, disgusted and enraged with this goes into the bedroom and finds in his nightstand photo books that were supposed to be at his parents, which you can take a wild guess whose pictures were cut out and scratched off (all the comments about psychotic behavior were more accurate than I would’ve liked) which he drops out of disgust when he sees our wedding photo yellow stained. He goes to pick it up and the cat is under the bed frightened and malnourished, when he coerces her out she is also covered in dried pee.
At this point B#6 calls him because I wasn’t answering, Ted tells him what he found and that Ash is not home and that he had to take the cat to the vet and B#6 tells him to stay there until they found out where Ash is. They start calling each other, B#1 is furious, threatened to kill him because of his daughter (which is the reason he wasn’t one of the ones to come).
Now all of the brothers know and there’s a lot of feelings going around ranging from fury to concern and they don’t know where Ash is.
Ted calls his mom to confront her about lying and covering and reuniting them (although she didn’t know he was lying about the therapist when she reunited them) and she cried and said that she knew B#1 through #8 had tormented Ash when he was little and she had done nothing about it and failed as a mother and that she had been trying to protect him now to make up for it.
I do remember when we got married my MIL was very on top of Ash and I just thought she was just being motherly, later Ted told me he also remembers his mom asking if it was a good idea to have him as best man which we were both too naive to notice as odd as she had always pushed Ted to be present in Ash’s life, which she told him in their confrontation that the more present Ted was in his life the more stable he was.
She said she never told him because she didn’t want to put that kind of pressure on him (Ted) and that by the time she realized he had been lying he seemed “fine” and had “outgrown” his issues.
After hanging up on his mom is when he called me apologizing and tells me all of this, I called out of my other job because there’s no way I can go to work like this.
I have a lot to think about but I’ll keep you posted.
— I called Ted and told him I was on my way there because someone has to take care of the cat, he said he didn’t want me seeing any of that but I’m honestly just worried about the cat and at this point.
I’m just numb and wanted to feel useful.
About an hour into the drive I got a notification from our ring (the doorbell that records the people at your door) and it’s a delivery of sunflowers which are Ted’s favorite flower (he is very secure in his masculinity please don’t make this into a thing), I tell the delivery person to read me the card (with this type of doorbell you can talk to the person at the door) and it’s from Ash saying something along the lines of “OP (me) did me dirty by sharing our problems online.
Anything that comes from it will be on her.” And I just broke down, I had to pull over and just cry my heart out, I called my neighbor to please take the flowers and throw them out (and send Ted a picture) and I just drove back to go to my sister’s place because I honestly don’t know what to do.
I am so lost and all of this is so messed up and I had a huge family before any of this happened and I feel like I lost a lot of people who I love that I thought also thought of me as family but not even in my sheltered version of the world can I see or justify any of all of the things that are happening right now and I don’t want to lose my husband and I’m worried about the cat and I’m scared Ashton is going to hurt himself or my husband and I called wife#1 and she is so scared for her daughter and I don’t want her to be scared but I don’t have it in me to console her because I’m just as scared and I rationally know none of this is my fault but I am the common point between everything that’s happened and I just don’t know what to do.
— I’m “okay” or as okay as a person can be in this type of situation. I’m at my parent’s house and Ted is here and he brought me my cat and life sucks less with a cat on your lap. Where to start? You’ll probably have a thousand questions by this point and I don’t know how to answer any of them since I’ve just been waiting to post all of this, maybe I won’t post it at all and keep you all wondering, I will say both this situation and some of the messages I’ve gotten have made me lose some of my faith in humanity but I guess that’s part of what makes us human.
You wanna know what’s the worst part out of all of this? I have legitimate peetsd and I don’t say that in a quirky way anymore. Every time I hear someone peeing (as in the pee hitting the water) I get this sense of dread in my chest and the world just becomes a bit staticky, going to the bathroom myself has been a whole experience.
I had my first therapy appointment tho, we luckily and tragically live in a world where you can just throw around dollars and make anything happen, thanks daddy for paying for an emergency shrink.
That was an update of how I’m doing since some of you have asked, but I’ll get to the point and the reason of why you’re all here.
What happened to Ash? After the flower delivery I just couldn’t deal with this anymore and made my way back to my sister’s, Ted immediately left and came to me. B#6 is the one coordinating everything else, out of all of my BIL he is my favorite and I don’t care if the others see this, most of them have been trash to me at some point or the other clearly #10 taking the cake.
I haven’t had it in me to ask what’s going to happen to Ash, I think he needs help above everything else, b#1 clearly thinks differently and I guess he’s trying to get the police involved since his daughter is a minor. I asked Ted to see the pictures (b#2 said to document everything) because I thought it would help.
It did not. It just raised more questions but hey, I have a therapist now that can talk me through them.
I guess right now I don’t have anything more to say, I’m sorry to have wasted your time, but I’m sure this isn’t over and I’ll have more to say maybe later, maybe tomorrow idk.
— Well they found Ash, b#3, #4 and #8 showed up at his place and he was there this time. Apparently he hadn’t noticed Ted had been there and didn’t know about the crapstorm that was coming. Punches were thrown, yelling, more punches and one appointment to the ER later Ash is currently in a psychiatric hold being evaluated for a myriad of things.
Ted’s mom keeps trying to get in touch, I don’t know if it’s to apologize or to inquire about what’s happening (because in general everyone is mad at her) but I’m done with her. I think this is the worst reality check a person could ever have but I certainly have learned a lot about people and trust and families.
From the information that we have Ted’s mom seems to have been right about something, Ted not being actively present in his brothers life is what brought on this madness. I guess with the world pause and us keeping our distance it’s what started his decline. He’ll have to work through that with however methods of coping they provide him because Ted has cut off about half of his family, hopefully this time forever since I really don’t see either of us getting over this anytime soon.
Ash’s cat, unfortunately, didn’t make it, that’s something that I will forever feel guilty about. At some point in the last year she developed some type of kidney problem that went untreated and while she was being abused and neglected it became too late to help her. The vet said that after everything he was hearing (because they were calling the police on b#4 for animal abuse and he had to kinda explain some of the situation) she was not going to make it without suffering and he decided to put her down.
Apparently the thing with b#1s daughter was about his severe bullying when they were younger, he never actually had much contact with her, it was about getting back at #1 in the way he knew best, his daughter is going to be attending therapy just in case. I don’t know what or how much they told her but I assume they had to ask her questions about her contact with Ash and eventually they would’ve had to explain why they were asking.
I guess that’s about it, I’m not leaving my husband, I’m not peeing on anybody’s property, I’m going to therapy and I made it very clear to absolutely everyone that I will never have any of them living with us for any reason. I don’t care if they pope is with them I just feel like I lost that part of me that cared. And I guess all in all I still did not receive that apology but tbh I don’t want it either, perhaps my therapist will convince me otherwise or perhaps it’s for the best but for now I guess I’ll just idk deal with it as I can.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. EW. All those family members complaining can have peepeepants jerk live with them instead.” Mountaingoat05
Another User Comments:
Has he ever apologized? (Doesn’t sound like it!) If he hasn’t, I might raise that to the family, because they might be thinking “oh, therapy probably worked, it’s no problem now,” whereas if he’s never apologized, it’s obvious that whatever work he might have done in therapy, he’s not taken any responsibility for the harm he did to you, and that would seem to be a pretty central issue in this.
It’s possible they’ll just minimize it, and/or insist that some ********* “I’m sorry you got upset” is enough of an apology, but if they took it seriously enough to send him to therapy, they might take the issue of apology/responsibility seriously as well. That wouldn’t resolve anything with BIL but it might get them off your back.
NTA obv. Too bad you can’t just take in the cat, the one in this scenario who hasn’t peed in any of your stuff!! FeurotteZota
11. AITJ For Telling The Clerk The Young Customer Isn't Using Her Own Card For A Big Purchase?
“I was in a higher-end department store today (rhymes with Loomingdales) and happened to end up next to two teen-aged girls while shopping. One of the girls had picked out a pair of VERY expensive boots and they were both fawning over them. Second girl must have looked at price tag and asked boots girl if she’s really gonna spend that much on boots.
Girl with boots says something along the lines of “It’s fine. I have my dad’s credit card. I’m not paying ” which instantly caught my attention because THAT’S NOT HER CARD. I’ve told my son multiple times he’s never allowed to use my card so I’m interested to see how this girl thinks she’s going to get away with fraud.
I had split up from the girls at this point because they had found something else.
We end up at the same register (me behind) and I see her total hit well over four digits. The girl is about to swipe her card when I decide that I can’t let her get away with something like this and someone has to parent this kid if no one else will.
I tell the clerk that isn’t her card it’s her father’s and I’m not sure she has permission. Girl and friend turn and glare at me giving me possibly the dirtiest look I’ve ever seen. I swear this girl was going to throw a tantrum right there, I don’t think she was ever told no.
Girl tells clerk her father gave her the card to shop with because it’s the store’s credit card and it gives him the points. Now that I’ve pointed out it wasn’t hers, the clerk tells her she can’t use that card. Girl tries to show ID to prove they have the same last name (yeah that will help) and I tell her it’s still fraud.
Girl says it’s not fraud because she has permission and tells me to mind my own business. I tell her that it is my business that she’s doing something illegal. She needs to pay with her own card or I call the cops. Girl is livid now and people are glaring at me.
She uses her own card and leaves crying. The clerk looks mad at me and I tell my husband when I get home only for him to agree I was in the wrong. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Did it ever occur to you that she was telling the truth and her dad had given her his credit card?
Mind your own business. To everyone saying that she could have taken the card without permission, you are right. But it is still none of OP’s business and there is no way to know for sure. If the girl was an adult who said she was using her husband’s card, OP likely wouldn’t have batted an eye.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Only once every thousand years does such a hero grace the Earth to do what all else have failed to do — parent other people’s children. The mystics have foretold this legendary figure throughout the realms, anxiously awaiting her arrival. Rejoice for she is here, Karen the Corrector of Children. Marvel at her superiority.” SpiderGwenGirl
Another User Comments:
“She didn’t hear the girl say “It’s fine I have my dad’s card and he doesn’t know.” She just heard her say she has his card. There was no mention or evidence of him not knowing or not giving the daughter permission. Just because you don’t give your son permission to use your card, doesn’t mean no other parent does.
Man, I’m 25 and still use my mom’s card sometimes.” SJswRA1
Mostly though, YTJ because you decided it was your place to parent other people's kids. Again, butt the f**k out, not your place, ever.
10. AITJ For Not Wanting To Bow To My Fiancee's Korean Grandparents?
“My fiancee is Korean-American, and I’m American. We’ve met each other’s parents before, and she’s met my grandparents, but I’ve yet to meet her grandparents because they live in Korea. We are planning a trip to Korea as soon as it’s possible so that I can meet her grandparents.
She’s asking me to bow to her grandparents when we meet, since respecting the elders is a big deal in Korean culture.
Not just like a causal dip, like a full-on 90-degree bow. I said I’d rather not since I found it emasculating and that I just don’t bow to anyone. She said that it was important to her culture, but I pointed out that she didn’t bow to my grandparents or parents. I just think it’s hypocritical to expect me to bow to her grandparents when she didn’t bow to mine.
Her grandparents aren’t my superior just because of their age, why should I have to bow?
She said it was just one tiny thing I could do to earn their respect, but I said that if it was so tiny, it should be fine if I don’t do it. And that I respect myself and that’s why I’m not going to bow, and she was just going to have to respect my decision.
She thinks I’m a jerk for that, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, and you’re emasculating yourself by being hung up on what’s “manly.” It’s FAR more gentlemanly to show cultural respect.” cygnata
Another User Comments:
“I’m not sure OP should be traveling without an adult.” JOmelius
Another User Comments:
“I had freaking back surgery and I still bowed to everyone when I lived over there.
The audacity of this loser.” Finndoll
Another User Comments:
“OP- she didn’t bow before your grandparents because that isn’t THEIR tradition, but it is hers and her grandparents. I’m not Asian but I lived in Asia and bowing was as natural as saying hello. Get over yourself.” AngriKami
Another User Comments:
OP shouldn’t be surprised if his fiancée suddenly calls off the engagement due to lack of compromise on cultural differences.
Honestly, if you’re marrying someone of a different culture, you should’ve seen these sorts of things coming and respect them. As the person above commented, OP emasculated himself by being hung up on what’s manly. Perfectly worded.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“Yes YTJ. OP It’s a tiny thing for you to do, literally 2 seconds to show respect, but for Korean culture and for her family it is not tiny it is huge.
You can’t turn it around and say fiancé didn’t bow to your grandparents when it doesn’t mean anything in your culture. A better equivalent would be if she met your grandparents and greatly disrespected them or did not even try to be on their good side. Hypothetical but it’s like if your grandparents went to shake her hand or give her a hug but she didn’t want to because to her worldview it would “take away her femininity in her culture”.
Just..No OP.
You have a lot of learning to do before you go to Korea and marry this woman, marry into her family, and become a life partner. Please humble yourself, learn about respect and toxic masculinity. You’re not any less of a man or a person if you bow. But you may be less of a man to your fiancé because she will realize how ignorant, self-centered and insecure your reaction to this is.
Do you think men in Korea are not masculine because they respectfully bow to the elders of their fiance? Please put your best foot forward and also make your fiancé and in-laws proud. It is truly in your best interest. Best of luck OP, I apologize if this was harsh.” wellfinechoice
9. AITJ For Cleaning Up The House For My Wife's Birthday?
“My wife and I are tight on money right now and thus, we didn’t have anything in the budget for my wife’s birthday gift. Instead, I sent her to her friend’s house for a few hours, and my kids and I did all the household chores.
When she got home, we showed the clean house off to her and told her it was her birthday gift. She said thank you but I could tell she was upset. I pressed her a bit and she accused me of seeing her as a maid because I think she should be grateful for something she thinks the kids and I should be doing regularly.
I tried to explain that we were just trying to be nice and make things easier for her, and she just kept saying, “This is exactly the problem” until she told me to just stop talking about it. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – that’s just not a good gift, man. She’s right – everyone should do their fair share of housework (and you should def drill down into this issue after this incident).
You can get flowers for $6. You can make something creative for almost nothing. You can write a letter. You owe her a thoughtful gift and an apology.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“This post reminds me of something my mom told me. I like to ask my mom questions about her life and her marriage (she was married and divorced before I was born).
She told me her husband got her a vacuum for her birthday. She looked at him and said, ‘Wow, the house says thank you. Now what did you get me?'” Thin-White-Duke
Another User Comments:
“Got my wife a vacuum for her 30th birthday. She loved it. No different than if she got me a nice drill.
It was a Dyson v8.” alexandermalcom
Another User Comments:
“I think it depends on the person. My man doesn’t like useful gifts. I like both entertaining gifts and useful gifts. I always try to do something he wants because his family will do useful stuff.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“It does depend upon the person.
I like useful gifts, or tickets for something. My husband got me a Kitchenaide mixer one year as a combo anniversary, birthday, and Mothers’ Day gift (they’re all really close to each other and it’s a really nice mixer and I had been wanting one for a while), and, while his friends and coworkers were horrified he got me an appliance as a gift, my friends and family were all OMG YOU GOT A KITCHENAID I WANT TO SEE IT.
As far as the OP, I think NTJ. OP is incredibly clueless and needs to step up his game on doing stuff around the house on the regular, but he did mean well. And the wife is able to be disappointed and think that this means he and the kids only see her as a domestic servant who wants nothing else out of life.” KLWK
8. AITJ For Automating My Parents Out Of Their Jobs?
“I work with a consulting company that basically automates people out of jobs.
In the past financial year, we are directly responsible for thousands of people being made redundant and saving companies stacks of money because of it.
Basically, people are fallible flesh-bags, and where practical, we try and replace them with predictable repeatable solutions.
This came to an awkward scenario. We did an audit of the local industrial company that my parents work at. Throughout this audit, at times I had to interact with departments/areas my parents were involved in to elicit processes, requirements, etc. After the review, we found we could cut over 60 jobs and improve output with the introduction of the particular off-the-shelf solution that required some modifications.
We provided training and additionally audited aptitude and performance to know which workers would be best to retain, retrain or retrench.
The result, based on metrics and my work, was that my parents were part of this mass redundancy. I was not allowed to give my parents a heads up. After the news, my parents were/are livid at me.
They’re telling me I had no loyalty to them and should have fudged numbers to keep them there because they’re not going to find new jobs at their age. They asked me how can I sleep at night knowing I put them out of work. I told them that I take my job seriously, do my job well and I am proud of doing a good job, but now my parent’s siblings extended family and some family friends are pretty much angry at me.
I’ve gotten various messages that follow the theme that I should be ashamed. I’m not sorry for what I did. The job was an enjoyable challenging experience and we ended up with a happy client.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you probably should have turned down the job due to a conflict in interests though. You did your job, provided objective data and the results are the results.
Also man, while you did your job it is kind of messed up you are so happy about it. I almost said YTJ because of it but still, you did what you were supposed to do so I can’t fault you for that.” Scion4970
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You should have turned down the project because you have a conflict of interest. Or at least you should have a contract of interest. I get that you take your job seriously and that’s great.
But you don’t take your family seriously enough. You are not acknowledging the pain, uncertainty, and fear that you have caused them. Their feelings are normal for anyone being made redundant, and you should have expected that their negative emotions might be directed toward you in this scenario. Your parents are not jerks for having feelings.
You could have avoided the awkward personal situated you should have.” Beckland
Another User Comments:
“ESH just for that bit of extreme insensitivity. If it carries over into your interactions with your family, I can see why they’re all so mad. Be more sensitive darn it. However, I’m assuming there was no way for you to beg off of this assignment due to a conflict of interest. The private sector is evil like that.
Nobody can stop the automation train. Your family cannot lay that responsibility on your shoulders. We’re already at the point where there are fewer jobs than people, and it’s only going to get worse. We have to find a way to take care of our population without forcing them all to do busywork to prove they deserve to live.” graywisteria
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You already were before you even got to your parent’s job just from the sheer enjoyment you seem to get out of being directly responsible for people losing their jobs. You’re especially a jerk and both your company and your parent’s company are jerks for not giving the affected employees a heads up and letting them get stuff in order and start job hunting.
I’d honestly disown you and cut you out if you were my kid for being an obvious sociopath. One day a computer program will replace you, and I hope you remember enjoying figuring out how to get people fired because it was “challenging.” There is no pride to be had in the work you do, you misguided jerk.” truddleing
7. AITJ For Wanting To Keep A Generous Gift After I Break Up With My Ex?
“My man and I (M) have been together almost 2 years, and I’ve been unsure about our relationship for a few months. I’ve talked it out with my therapist because I can be kind of a commitmentphobe, but the truth is that I just wasn’t excited about him the same way he is about me.
The old “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” There’s other stuff too (he wants kids, I don’t, we don’t get along with each others’ families, etc.) but that’s the main thing.
My birthday was last Friday, and I decided to wait until after my birthday to break up with him. This wasn’t because I was expecting a generous gift, but because two of our friends were coming to town from overseas for my birthday party and I didn’t want to ruin their visit (for them or for my bf).
At my party, my bf presented me with a $1500 check to pay off my tuition balance for my final semester of school, which may not sound like a lot to some people but it would have taken me almost a year to save up this much and would delay getting my diploma by a year.
I am really grateful for the gift.
But… I broke up with him that Sunday once our friends left, because he again started a conversation about our future kids and I couldn’t hold it in. He was devastated and I feel terrible but it was the right decision.
He says, “Keep it, it doesn’t matter.’ Half of our friends say, ‘Give it back, he wouldn’t have given you that gift if he knew you were dumping him.’ The other half say it was a gift given freely and to keep it.
WIBTJ if I kept it?
I will listen to the advice and tell him I’m not cashing the check; I don’t want to just tear it up and have him watching his bank account waiting for the $1500 to come out.
SECOND EDIT: After sending him a text telling him that I appreciate his generosity but realized it would be wrong to keep it and I was tearing up the check, he then told me to stop being ridiculous and to let him do this for me since he ‘apparently didn’t do anything else right’ and sent me the dough on Venmo.
I am unsure what to do here because he clearly is still upset. I’m thinking of just keeping the funds in my account and sending it back to him in a couple of months because I feel like it would be antagonistic to keep sending the funds back and forth while he’s upset, and I’ve also never used Venmo for such a large amount and am not sure if they’ll take fees from his account if we keep doing that?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You accepted the gift knowing you will break up that Sunday, additional TA points for it being a pretty large lump sum.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“He doesn’t have to cash it. Simple as that. It’s the only way he will not be the J.” wiriux
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if you don’t return the funds. 100% This shouldn’t even be something to pause and think about. What makes it even worse is, by your own account, he’s a good guy, you’re just not compatible. So you would be taking advantage of him by keeping it after he said you should. He was obviously hurt and not thinking about it during his heartache, but as he begins to get some clarity he will probably get angry.
He gives you a $1,500 check, you dump him the following day and you keep it. Yeah, that’s going to anger him. Give it back to the guy.” RebelRoad
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You have to give that back, rip it up, or whatever. You knew that you were going to break up with him, he did not.
If he knew that the relationship was near the end, you would not have been given that cheque.
While he has said it doesn’t matter, keep it, he is hurting. He is not thinking rationally and at this point probably couldn’t care less.
I would say though, you clearly are troubled with the decision and that is a good thing.
It shows that your conscience is having that little right or wrong argument. You could accept it, it would make life easier, but let’s face it, it would be a crappy thing to do. Imagine yourself in his shoes. You presented him with the cheque, he then dumps you but keeps the funds. You’d be livid, right?
Do the right thing. In the grand scheme of life, $1500 is negligible, but if you keep it, this garbage will always be a little cloud over your head.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ. He only said keep it because he’s upset. Maybe he wants to appear generous in hopes of keeping you interested? Maybe he’s hurt because you just broke up with him and then immediately asked if you could keep the $1,500 he gave you two days earlier?
Maybe he’s feeling apathetic? Either way, he’s not thinking straight. Would he have given you the funds if he knew you planned on leaving?
No matter what he says now, if you keep the ca-ching, his memory of you will be that ex that he gave $1,500 to and then immediately left him and kept it.” grandpa_tito
6. AITJ For Deleting My Girl's Social Media Account?
“My partner (24F) and I (27m) have been seeing each other for 5 years now. I don’t have any social media. Zero social media whatsoever, etc. I am a private guy and like keeping my personal life to myself.
My partner on the other hand is obsessed with the ‘Gram. She has over 800 photos posted and is constantly scrolling through every waking moment she’s not working or sleeping. She would rather spend time attention-seeking from her 5000 plus followers than spend some quality time with me. I confronted her a few times about this in the last 2 years and she always tells me she will cut down on her usage but she never does.
Last week she was using my laptop because her laptop was in the store and I noticed she forgot to log out from her email. I did the “forget password” thing and reset her password to log in. I googled how to delete her account, followed the link and deleted the account. She woke up the next morning and started screaming and crying about how I permanently deleted her account instead of deactivating it and I betrayed her trust, etc. Now she won’t talk to me because she says she can’t recover it and her profile of 10 years is lost forever.
I think she’s being incredibly childish and during a tantrum over some random app. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“I am a private guy and like keeping my personal life to myself.” Describes his relationship problem on Reddit.” apparentlyyourecute
Another User Comments:
“He probably thinks it’s only “social media” when girls do it.” illegalrooftopbar
Another User Comments:
“This, it seems he is only private when he wants to be and everyone must be private like him. Dude will be alone soon enough. He deleted his GF’s account for no other reason than personal pettiness. The site is like a scrapbook and he effectively wiped 10 years of history for her to ‘protect his privacy’ while voicing his personal crap on Reddit.
And he hacked her, a pretty nice violation of her privacy. I don’t understand how these guys do crap like this and are then surprised they get dumped. YTJ, by the way.” BigMeaning0
Another User Comments:
“This, but if I read right he BROKE into her account to do so by resetting the password because apparently, she couldn’t trust him enough to leave her email open after 5 years.
He had to work to get this done. He had to reset a password so he could get in. If you have a problem with the “attention-seeking” behavior maybe consider WHY is it that she needs attention and validation from others? Is it because you fall short in that department? Maybe.
Maybe she just likes it and that is also OK.
What is NOT ok is taking. An account that has 10 years of photos and deleting it. For me, it’s comparable to taking a photo album and burning it because you were given motive means and the slightest little opportunity. If she stays with you don’t be even a little surprised when her phone, computers, etc., all have passwords and dual authentication methods.
And no, you will have zero room to gripe about not being able to trust her based on not being able to look through her stuff. YTJ x 1000.” kagenokori
5. AITJ For Wanting My Husband To Take Over Raising Our Child?
“So I’m fully aware this may be beyond this sub’s paygrade but right now I’m in this phase where I just want as many opinions as possible.
Anyways, we’ve been together 7 years, married for 3. We were both childfree when we met but slowly he’s shifted over to wanting kids. Our marriage over the past year has been extremely rocky as a result since we still love each other and don’t want to live without each other.
But our marriage counselor in recent months has been pushing us to find a resolution because things can’t go on without getting worse. My husband sat me down a few weeks ago to talk about a trial separation. He feels that if he misses his chance for children he’ll only resent me years later and he’d rather separate now than cause more pain for us.
I’m heartbroken to say the least.
Recently I saw a friend and she suggested something I’m afraid to bring up to my therapist or our counselor because I think they’ll call it crazy. She says I should just tell my husband I’d be willing to have a baby if he promises to take over all of the childcare, from infancy to teenager.
This way we can stay together, he gets his child, and I still get to live my life as I’ve always dreamed.
I havent asked him yet but I’ve talked to my mom and sister. They said it’s feasible but they can’t imagine this system working out in the long run, and that I’ll probably get more people judging me for being an “absentee mom.” AITJ for considering this option instead of separation?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ,
I should just tell my husband I’d be willing to have a baby if he promises to take over all of the childcare, from infancy to teenager. This way we can stay together, he gets his child, and I still get to live my life as I’ve always dreamed.
You will be living with your kid withholding your love. The kid won’t understand, all they will see is a narcissist who only cares about themselves. Break up with the husband it will be kinder to everyone than this.” AussieLander
Another User Comments:
“I agree. I think the husband should get the child he wants, but with someone else.
OP isn’t the jerk or not wanting kids. She is the jerk for wanting to subject a child to her indifference because she doesn’t want to divorce the husband. OP once you have kids it is no longer about you or him, it’s about them. If you aren’t ready for that then you need a divorce because you would be heartless to bring a child into your home with no plans on actually being a mother.” prplehailstorm
Another User Comments:
“I think most likely, or hopeful optimistically, OP would change her mind gradually and grow to love the idea, the child. Worse, she never does, she gets to live how she wants but grows to resent the kid and treat it horribly because it’s competition for his attention. Too high a gamble to just go ahead and have a kid.” hashtagmermaid
Another User Comments:
“Yeah, my fear here is along those lines that the husband would go along with this idea thinking it would change her and she would change her mind. It would most likely be a terrible idea, and it would just end up as one big ball of resentment. The father resents his wife for never being there or helping with childcare.
The child resents the wife for never being there emotionally. The wife resents the child for existing and for taking her husband away from her, & the wife also resents the husband for resenting her when they had agreed on a plan.
I just can’t see much chance that this wouldn’t end up with a family unit of deeply unhappy people.
4. AITJ For Going Behind My Wife's Back To Her Boss?
“So here’s the situation. My wife is in a high-level corporate position at her job. What she does is extremely stressful and I don’t blame it for taking a toll on her. Recently though, she’s been having a really rough time with work and is clearly stressed out about it. She’s visibly upset much of the time but she doesn’t seem to want to discuss the specifics with me.
She’s even become forgetful and not very useful around the house.
Recently she seems to always be thinking about work. She won’t talk to me directly about it and I knew I had to do something so I found her boss’ phone number and reached out. I simply told him that she has been listless and despondent recently and I worried about her performance at work as well as what it’s done to our home life.
Basically, her boss corroborated everything I was saying and it seems clear he felt the same way about her behavior.
After some time talking, we both came to the conclusion that she should be on a new assignment. It wasn’t really a demotion but the decision was made for her to be reassigned to a less high-stakes, less stressful position.
We didn’t say it verbally but I think we both had an understanding that this was in her best interest. Our conversation wouldn’t need to be brought up to her.
After the news came down to her, she became hysterical. She thought she was being demoted and she didn’t understand why. The thing is, it really isn’t a demotion.
There’s no pay cut involved just an executive decision that was made for her own benefit. I’m really not comfortable telling her that I was involved with this because I suspect she’ll freak out on me but I do feel what I did was correct and I believed her boss was reasonable enough to understand.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Oh. My. God. What did you do?
You just DESTROYED your wife’s career. Annihilated it. She will have just lost any legitimacy she had earned because her husband went behind her back to her boss and basically said she’s not performing at home and is stressed she can’t do this job.
Holy crap x 1000. You better hope she never finds out, but I guarantee she will because office rumor mills are vicious especially in high-impact jobs. Someone will lord this over her when she goes to make a huge judgment call.
Again holy crap! YATGJ (G = giant or ginormous; both fit) times a million.” haremgirl6
Another User Comments:
“This. God forbid he be a supportive partner and just do more around the house while she’s clearly dealing with something.” bootsiebunnie
Another User Comments:
“Holy Mother of Baby Jesus- this is bad! YTJ dude. You undermined your wife’s entire career because she wasn’t doing enough HOUSEWORK. Like, literally that is the reason you did this.
You treated her like she was a toddler, incapable of speaking for herself or of working through her own problems. If she wanted you to butt in, she would have asked. She didn’t. You super messed up and owe her and her boss an apology. Such a jerk.” noonenottoday
Another User Comments:
“Also the line “we both came to the conclusion that reassignment was necessary”?!
HE SHOULD HAVE NO PART IN THIS. If the wife’s work was really not up to par, her boss would have brought it up to her. If the wife really needed to be reassigned, she would have asked. In neither of those situations is the husband involved. BECAUSE HE SHOULDN’T BE. I can only imagine the snide comments she’ll get now and how this will be used to demote her further, even if there’s no “pay cut,” because that’s apparently the only way OP knows if there’s a demotion or not.
When you’re a not straight white man, it’s amazing how companies can demote you without actually saying it.” terribleaardvark
Another User Comments:
“All of this. ALL of it. OP, YTJ x a million.
Did you at any point have a heart-to-heart with your wife? Did you talk to her and say you were worried about her because she’s been looking so stressed recently?
Nope. Just completely bypassed her, like she’s a 5-year-old having a tantrum and you were talking to the parents. It does not bode well for your marriage that you can’t communicate with her when things aren’t going well.
Also, you went straight to her boss, who demoted her (the fact that she still gets paid the same means nothing; if her work responsibilities were cut it’s a demotion) AND will most likely not promote her in the future even if she’s the most qualified for it because “it didn’t go well last time.” How much work has she put into this career to get this far, only for you to mess it up?
And she was “unuseful” around the house? Dude. Pick up a mop. Do the dishes. Help her get through it, then divide labor 50/50. Holy cow.
I hope she finds out. She deserves to know you stabbed her in the back.” fizzy_lime
3. AITJ For Letting An Employee Go After His Parents Died?
“I’m the VP of Sales at a software company and one of our sales development reps parents passed away at the beginning of April.
Sadly they were involved in a car crash and both lost their lives. Now the employee in question is a very young 22-year-old guy and has been with us for about 10 months now. He’s a great employee and we were thinking about promotions in the next ~6 months for him. His job is a high-paying one for a new grad, about ~90k with commission and base so we expect a lot from this position.
Because of the accident, we let him take a 1 month paid leave of absence from work and he’s returned a few weeks ago and his performance is severely lacking. He’s super unmotivated, not cold calling, outreaching to prospects for the last 2-3 weeks enough since he’s come back. Our whole mgmt team has noticed this and we decided to let him go because we feel like he’d need months and months to be able to produce again and we can’t just wait that long.
We called him into a meeting on Friday afternoon and gave him the bad news, he was very calm and rude about it. Told us to go eff ourselves and got up and went to his desk grabbed his few things and left. I thought this was very very unprofessional and extremely rude.
I told my partner about all of this and he said myself and my mgmt team are a bunch of heartless robots.
AITJ?
Update: Holy cow this blew up, I know this was crappy of me now. And I reached out to him to see how he’s holding up. He’s staying at his gf’s place and she’s supporting him a lot right now. I offered to get my head hunter friend in touch with him when he’s ready and he accepted.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for firing him without first going through the steps of describing his issues to him and giving him a chance to improve. He’s been back for only 2-3 weeks. It’s not about “having heart”, it’s about making a dumb business decision for both you and him. So much smarter to work with this guy to get him back on track after a temporary setback than to push the eject button and have to find and start over with a new person.
Dumb.” milee30
Another User Comments:
“At only 22 years old too? I know middle-aged people who have fallen into a deep depression after losing a parent. This sounds like a crap company that doesn’t have their employees’ backs, and I wish the best of luck to the poor kid. OP, I’d suggest partnering with a counseling service for your staff as your leadership seems grossly socially inept.
Oh and YTJ, this might be the clearest example I’ve EVER seen here.” Dudeguyked
Another User Comments:
“Completely agree!
Our whole mgmt team has noticed this and we decided to let him go because we feel like he’d need months and months to be able to produce again and we can’t just wait that long.
What really stands out about this comment is that they apparently don’t believe that any new employee needs time to get back up to speed.
They will definitely be able to find a new employee, hire that person, have him/her complete training and be completely up to speed in less time than it would take the original employee to hear the news and get back into the old routine!
Obviously firing and new-hiring is the way to go! (/s)
I told my man about all of this and he said myself and my mgmt team are a bunch of heartless robots.
BF ain’t wrong. But even if I remove the emotional aspect and look at this from a pure business perspective, they’re just stupid.
YTJ, OP…” Reddit User
2. AITJ For Laughing Along With My Family And Their Joke About My Partner?
“I (25M) have a partner (23F) who is absolutely beautiful, but she does have a large f****l scar.
My family often jokes about it. They have a super dark sense of humor. It bothers my partner and she says it doesn’t feel like a joke, it feels like she’s being insulted under the pretense of it being dark humor. Even though I explain it’s just how they are and they don’t mean any harm, she doesn’t really want to be around them.
I told her it was really important to me we spend Christmas with my family. She resisted at first, but after some urging from me she gave in. She said I absolutely could not excuse their behavior if they made a rude comment about her though.
We got there and it was fine for a while.
Then my mom and sister broke out their matching ugly sweaters, that had my partner’s face all over it. They both laughed, saying my mom made them (screen printed) and it was just a joke. My dad thought it was hilarious, I even chuckled a little because she’s really beautiful, so it was ironic they put her on the “ugly” sweater.
My partner looked at me, and when I said they were just being ironic, she shook her head, got up, and left. Didn’t say anything to anyone, just took her car and left.
I called her several times, and she didn’t answer. The only text I received was, “You need to find your own way home.” That angered me, and I called her a couple more times.
The whole time, my mom is upset because it was just a joke and she didn’t realize my partner was going to overreact like that. I told her that a warning would have been nice, but my sister agreed it was just a joke and my partner was being a baby about it.
I had another fight with my partner when I finally got home and she said I was a jerk for putting her in that situation and I said I didn’t realize they were going to do that and they were being ironic because she was beautiful.
She said I let them treat her badly and was trying to make it her fault when it was my family who was acting badly. I said it was just a joke and that she was overreacting. She asked how it was supposed to be a joke. I said that was just their sense of humor.
I said I was sorry she was offended by the joke, but she ruined the whole day with her reaction. She said that no, them realizing she wasn’t going to take their bullcrap anymore ruined the day.
We aren’t speaking currently, but when a cousin called to wish me a merry Christmas and asked how the day wen,t I mentioned what happened and he straight up called me a jerk for doing that to her.
I don’t really think I’ve done anything though, I didn’t know they were going to do that, and really it was just a joke and I think she’s overreacting, am I really TJ here?
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. MASSIVE YTJ. You might think your gf is beautiful, but I guarantee you that when she looks in the mirror, she doesn’t see beauty, she sees a defacing scar.
And you ALLOW, and SUPPORT your family in making that the identifying feature of how they see her.
By allowing your family to treat her that way, she is no longer ‘your beautiful partner’, she is ‘that freak with the scar that he brought over’. A joke is not a joke if the subject of it is not laughing.
You are SUCH an jerk, I want to really smack you over the head with this fact. “Aussiealterego
Another User Comments:
“Piggybacking on the top comment so people see this, as I also have prominent f****l scarring and I haven’t seen this point anywhere. It’s not just about being “ugly.” If you tell me I have an ugly nose or an ugly smile, no worries, it’s rude but I can deal with it.
But people don’t get large f****l scars in a vacuum. It’s very likely that something awful and traumatic happened to them which caused the scar. The events leading up to my scarring were over 15 years ago and I can still confidently say it’s the worst thing that’s happened to me in my life.
So not only are you and your family making fun of her for being ugly, they are likely reminding her of a very traumatic event in her past that I’m sure she would like to move on from and not have to think about on what is supposed to be a happy day.” aat5656
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you and your family. You absolutely cannot tell someone what does or does not offend them. If she says “This hurts my feelings,” then it hurts her freaking feelings REGARDLESS of if you think it should or not. Even if she was completely comfortable in her skin, it’s still disheartening to be singled out and put on an “ugly” Christmas sweater like that.
You should’ve had a talk with your family the first time she brought it up.” miramarie1
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Obviously. When I clicked on this thread, I assumed I would be explaining that just because it’s the first time your family “joked” about your (hopefully ex)GF’s scar, it’s not the first time that she’s heard the “joke.” That no matter how original and witty they thought they were being, she’s heard it before and it wasn’t that funny the first time.
But no. You’ve managed to surprise me. First, because your ex had repeatedly told you she did not find any of this funny. Repeatedly.
Just to clue you in on how far what you and your family did is from normal, the first time was when anyone with even a semblance of decency and empathy would have stopped. People with normal levels of decency and empathy wouldn’t need to be told, they just wouldn’t do it in the first place.
Second, the “joke” your family “played” was actually something your ex has probably never encountered before. Unless she generally hangs around psychopaths. I mean, in what universe was that a “joke”?
One would think that the amount of brain damage necessary to find this incident funny would be mutually exclusive with the cognitive facility sufficient to post on a text-based site.” Psychological-Wall
Another User Comments:
“On top of that, they put her face on what was supposed to be an ugly sweater. Bro, like, what the actual frig? How do you respond to that? Like, ‘oh yeah you have ugly sweaters, wait my face is on that? Oh, ha ha…. thanks for calling me ugly in a whole new way which makes it look like you put a lot of effort into making fun of me… I think I’m just going to go home now…’
It’s fine to make jokes that SHE is ok with and she knows for a fact that you and your family love her and think she’s beautiful, but if you’re going to be a jerk by insulting and making fun of her under the guise of it being a joke then you’re a mega jerk.
You and your family aren’t very good people if you act like that.
I knew a person that my friends considered a friend. We hung out and talked but one day my friend said I was being gay cause I was hugging her and then this person we considered a “friend” of whom we’ll call Ava said, ‘hahaha!
Gay freak!’ I got angry at her and she said it was a joke. I said how could that be funny in any way? Silence. Then she repeated that it was a joke and I just told her to go screw herself and to NEVER, EVER, talk to me again. She continued to come to where we would hang out and harass us and just be annoying.
A few days later I find out that she called my friends “ugly hoe”, “fat witch” and “(insert other slurs)”. Yeah, I slapped her after that. Surprise, surprise! She said I was overreacting and it was all a joke.
Now I want you to imagine you’re me in that situation. Rage, anger, sadness. This “Ava” is you and your family and my friends and myself is your partner.
Those emotions are what she feels when you and your family insult her. Those insults are the jokes you play at your partner’s expense. Try to fix it before it’s too late. Treat her better.” TheWolfQueen_01
Btw, jokes are supposed to be funny, if it’s hurting her feelings it isn’t much of a joke and should be dropped, especially when with people who are supposed to love you.
1. AITJ For Asking A Friend Of Mine To Cover Her Chest At A Festival?
“This weekend is Stagecoach in Indio. It’s a huge country music festival and is so much fun. I’ve had a miserable year and have basically been counting on this as a way to turn things around and get happy again.
I’m 32 and I came with some friends from work who are a bit younger than me.
Last night we went to the shows and the youngest one basically wore the lowest cut top I’ve ever seen without a bra. You could essentially see her entire chest popping out. I asked her if she knew that and she said “I’m trying to get backstage! Wooooo.” I told her that this isn’t Coachella and during certain shows, there might be kids and families.
She literally took another shot and ignored me.
I sent out a group text that maybe we needed to have a chat about what is and isn’t appropriate for our group and said “having your chest hang out on a platter just isn’t cool.” Apparently, this offended almost everyone because they ditched me and I had to walk to the show by myself.
At the end of the night, I caught up with them and they said I needed to steer clear of them for the whole weekend (we also had a minor argument on the drive up over gas money) and they would make sure I got back to Albuquerque but they didn’t want anything to do with me.
So this really sucks. I do have a friend who is driving down from Vegas so I won’t be totally alone and I’m thinking about driving back with him and just flying home on Monday.
I honestly don’t think I did anything wrong but since the whole trip has broken down and I’m in an awkward Airbnb right now with people who aren’t speaking to me, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – it’s a music festival and you’re not the police. If you don’t like what your friend is wearing, don’t look at her. You’re being really self-righteous. Idk what happened with gas money but it sounds like this wasn’t the first time you were an uptight wet blanket.
Relax! this experience is for everyone; not just you and your moral code.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:”
“If she thinks what her friend wore was scandalous she should avoid festivals. Honestly, everyone has seen a bosom at some point in their lives. Heck, young kids probably see them alot especially if they have a breastfeeding younger sibling.
They don’t care.” bootybustinwitch123
“I went to Sasquatch a few times. Every time there was at least one couple openly hooking up by the end of the night. Most festivals are full of people who have been partying s all darn day, things get wild. A nip slip won’t even raise eyebrows.” snausagefest
