People Feel More At Ease After Telling Their “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
21. AITJ For Kicking Out My Brother After He Made Insensitive Jokes About My Partner's Weight?
“My brother is one of those people who has no real problem just saying whatever comes to his mind. Sometimes, it’s awful and embarrassing, but, other times, it’s the funniest thing ever. He was visiting my partner and I for the first time in many months and things did not go well.
My partner has PCOS and it’s caused a significant weight gain for her. She’s not a fan of talking about it, I certainly don’t bring it up. My brother, fully knowing about the PCOS, still decided to make ” jokes” at the expense of my partner.
He said he’ll start “asking God to make sure Camille never rolls over in bed” because it’ll be “over for me.” After he proceeded to call her pants button and chair legs the “real heroes of the night,” and made other butt-related jokes, I told him to shut up and get out.
He didn’t think I was serious, but, I assured him I was. This is where he proceeded to tell 2 conflicting stories. He first said he was just kidding and that we should learn to find humor in hardship. He then followed that up by saying that she could try being honest with herself and losing a few pounds.
He left, but not before labeling me the jerk.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Good for you for standing up for your girl. That said I’m disappointed it got past the first comment on to others. Something I felt the need to point out. Your brother is a bully… I don’t mean that in a he was bullying your partner this one time and now he is forevermore labeled…
I mean you described practiced behavior… he does things like this to others regularly enough to have a solid expectation of other people’s reactions… Just my opinion.” tryhard1979
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Look, I’m a member of the “No Shave November” club and could put my male coworkers to shame if I tried I’m sure.
I used to blog (sheesh I’m old) about PCOS, infertility, and all the other really crappy things that I was dealing with. I joked about it where I could, I am the bearded queen of self-deprecating humor. I can take and dish a joke.
That said, the comments your brother made would have brought me to tears. Along with PCOS and the weight issues that come with it (Metformin is amazing, BTW, endocrinologist is your bestie) comes a generous helping of eating disorders. A woman at church once kept shouting “oh, you’re pregnant!” (“No, I’m not pregnant.” “Yes you are!
I can see you’re pregnant!” “No, I’m not.” *moves to put hand on belly* “Darnit Linda, I’m not pregnant, I’m fat. Would you keep your hands off my FAT?!”) It triggered a bulimic episode, the memory of which still hurts. I’m not shy about PCOS.
I don’t hesitate to stand up for myself. Those comments would have me crying quietly into a salad I would probably be seeing again later, by choice or by stress. He wasn’t joking. He was being vile and cruel. So NTJ. AT ALL.” Ashtacular42
Another User Comments:
“Classic victim shaming (she needs to be honest and lose weight) and deflection (you need to get a sense of humor). Zero apology, zero owning that he’s not funny, and his excuses regarding just saying what comes to mind is an excuse for extreme rudeness and bad manners.
If he keeps this up it’s just a matter of time before someone hits him. If I’d been there it would have been me. Oh, and you’re awesome and I hope your partner is doing ok.” WeirdPinkHair
20. AITJ For Yelling At My Brother For Repeatedly Invading My Privacy?
“I take a special hour to relax with no electronics. I wear a bathrobe with heated socks and a sleep mask. It helps me feel relaxed but my brother likes to ruin it for fun.
My brother (15M) barges into my room all of the time and doesn’t knock.
I tell him over and over to at least knock but I had enough when he did the same thing for the 1000th time. I got up and yelled, “Get out of my room, now!!!” He burst into tears and left without saying anything. I feel like a jerk and my parents aren’t happy with me.
Edit:
In order to achieve maximum annoyance he picks my lock with a lock-picking set. My brother is such a jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And your bro’s behavior is kind of worrying. Why does he pick the lock of your room to enter it?
Have you tried a door latch and padlock-style lock? He won’t be able to pick that from outside the door. You don’t even have to lock the padlock, it’s just there to keep the latch closed. Sounds like he doesn’t respect people telling him “no” and backing off… Sounds like your parents need to address this before he actually goes and commits an offense because he doesn’t listen to people.” Rohini_rambles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Continue yelling at him until he gets the message. Maybe keep something non-damaging like a teddy bear at hand to throw at him while you chase him out. Better still, get a door stopper and wedge it under the door so that even if he picks the lock, he can’t get in.
Keep shouting every time he does it. What he’s doing is wholly inappropriate at his age, and he needs to be broken of that habit ASAP before it escalates. No way can he be allowed to continue unchallenged. Because intruding on you in the shower is next.” OaktownPirate
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I can kinda relate to this- I spent my adolescence being teased and picked on by my younger sister, while my parents ignored or enabled it. And if I yelled at her because I got fed up with the nonsense, I was the bad guy.
I can’t believe your brother is getting a pass for literally using lock-picking tools on your bedroom door, that’s outrageous! That’s not just teasing, that’s seriously messed up. Your parents are huge jerks for enabling your brother though – it’s not fair to you, and it’s also not fair to others in his life who he may decide to pull similar nonsense on.
Your parents should have kiboshed his behavior ages ago.” LittleManhattan
19. AITJ For Not Forgiving My Mom For Misusing Our Inheritance?
“I (28M) recently found out about a huge betrayal from my mom (56F) and I don’t know what to do. So, my grandparents were really great people, they worked hard all their lives and saved a lot of money. They weren’t rich, but they managed to save enough to leave some money for me and my siblings (30F and 25M) when they passed away five years ago.
My mom was the executor of the will. Not long after my grandparents died, she told us there were unexpected debts and expenses that needed to be paid off first. We trusted her, she’s our mom after all, and we didn’t really question her too much because we were grieving.
But over the years, I noticed my mom’s lifestyle got way better. She paid off her mortgage, bought a new car, and went on some fancy vacations. I thought maybe she came into some money or got really good at managing her finances.
A few months ago, I was helping my parents clean out their attic and I found some old documents that showed the actual amount of the inheritance.
It was way more than what my mom told us. I was so confused and felt really betrayed. After thinking about it for a while, I confronted her. At first, she denied everything, but then she broke down and admitted it. She used a big chunk of the inheritance for herself.
She said she did it for the family, she planned to pay us back eventually, and she used the money to make sure we had a stable home. She even said the vacations were to relieve the stress and grief of losing her parents.
I’m devastated. It’s not just about the money.
It’s the lying, the breach of trust, and the fact that she put herself first. My siblings have been more forgiving. They say she’s our mom, she did what she thought was best, and we should move on. They think I’m being too harsh and that holding onto this anger will only hurt me.
But I just can’t let it go. Every time I think about it, I get so angry and feel betrayed. It’s messed up my relationship with her to the point where I haven’t talked to her since the confrontation. Family gatherings are super awkward now, with my siblings and dad trying to make peace.
So, AITJ for not forgiving my mom and refusing to speak to her? My siblings think I’m overreacting, but I can’t shake this feeling of betrayal. What should I do?”
Another User Comments:
“You should be angry and feel betrayed. Your mom stole from you and your siblings and then consistently LIED to you over the years.
Families can be very quick to sweep uncomfortable subjects under the rug. (I have WAAAY too much experience with this.) You are NOT required to. Heck, part of the reason we went no contact with my mom’s side of the family was because they refused to acknowledge their fault in anything.
(And boy was there a lot of fault.) NTJ. What you do now is up to you. Personally, I don’t think I could trust her again after that. Low or no contact is fair. She should be thanking her lucky stars you aren’t going nuclear and suing her for the money she stole.
(Wouldn’t blame you if you did that, too.) Kinda depends on what kind of relationship you want with her and your siblings.” KimB-booksncats-11
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My grandma passed in 2020 and left money for each grandkid, all 7 of us. The rest was to be split between her 3 kids.
My dad, aunt and uncle. Well, my dad passed in 2016. Grandma gave me and my brother 2000 each from my dad. She said the rest would be split between her other 2 children. I was more than ok with that. When she passed if grandkid got 1000. Cool.
Thanks, Grandma. Well, 4 months later my brother asked did I get any other money. I said no. He said we were to get our dad’s inheritance. I told him what my grandma said, he said she told him differently. He called our aunt and she called her brother.
Turned out we were to get our dad’s inheritance. 3500 each. Not a lot but it helped. Still would rather have my grandma back. But now my uncle won’t talk to me. If you want the money, talk to an attorney but be prepared to lose your mom and siblings. Know that your trust in your mom is gone but do you still want her in your life?
If so then work on letting the anger go. Don’t forget just forgive.” mamabearzlife
Another User Comments:
“NTJ she sounds like a narcissist (my mother is also a narcissist who has stolen from me my siblings and her own grandchildren many times). It’s always going to be “well I did my best, I did the best thing I could, I did the best with what I had.” There’s always going to be some kind of excuse and unfortunately, it sounds like your sibling and your father are still under her spell.
Unfortunately, there’s no easy answer. If you get a lawyer and sue her you lose the rest of your family because I don’t think they could forgive you for doing that to “your own mother”. When I cut off my mother before my siblings finally did everyone in my family said I was in the wrong.
They said she gave me life so I should forgive her for what she’s done. But I wasn’t willing to forgive her for what she did to my nieces and nephews. She hurt me and my sister plenty growing up and I forgave that but not with the kids they deserved better.” Apprehensive-Mood391
18. AITJ For Trying To Become The Legal Guardian Of My Addict Sister's Children?
“My sister is an addict. She is only 19 and throwing her life away. I, as her older sister, have tried everything even putting her in rehab and therapy. My 19-year-old sister also has two children. She first got pregnant at 16 and then again at 18. Her two children stay with me whenever she’s partying or away doing whatever she does.
I am their godmother and have been more of a mother to them than my sister. Also for info, I’m 24 AND IN COLLEGE.
For her children, I had to take a break year when I was 19/20. I worked 2 jobs to try my best to support HER CHILDREN.
Or child at that time. But now to this current mess. Recently she was arrested again for doing her stupid stuff with illegal substances and I again took her kids for that time being. But this time I decided that enough was enough. She couldn’t keep doing this to these children.
I went to file to become these kids’ legal guardian and get them away from my sister. She’s to get out in 4 months and I believe my mother told her what my plans were. My sister sent a letter. I won’t go into detail but you could probably guess what it said.
Saying I was taking her children away from her. I feel like I am taking them away from her but she doesn’t even care for them. And now my mother is calling me and texting me calling me a jerk. So am I being the jerk in this situation?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As a child of CPS, I can say that when they finally intervened, my life changed. I was 6, but I knew right away that when I was placed with other family, it was better than what I was living in. My mother tried to stop the process, but ultimately, my grandparents got custody of us.
My mother never changed, again solidifying that what happened was the best course of action. You are doing the right thing for your sister’s kids. She needs to be a person they can be around without fearing she’ll do something to possibly harm them.
If that means in a capacity where you’re their legal guardian and she has visitation, so be it. The fact that your mother doesn’t seem to be looking out for the kids’ well-being says a lot. In the end, you’re most definitely NTJ.” HolyUnicornBatman
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ, let me say again YOU ARE NOT THE JERK. Take custody of the kids AND once she is able to show she has come around, work on integration, and visitation with the purpose of being a mom to her own kids.
Remember, she is just a kid herself. As an addict, she has become complacent in your role. Tell your mom what the ‘plan’ is and I would bet she goes along with it. Contrary to what people may think or acknowledge, if she is sober, the best place for them is with their parent.
(speaking as a heavy drinker, parent, and kid in that position). I wish the best for all four of you! I really hope your sister is able to turn her life around and be a respectful mom to her kids. AND that you can morph into the role of aunt like you should have been all along.” BrendaLouBrendaLou
Another User Comments:
“You would be a huge jerk to not get these kids out of that situation. She is clearly not fit to be a mother until she gets her crap together. It is absolutely unfair and already traumatizing for those babies to be in such a toxic and unpredictable environment.
Do NOT let her make you feel bad for protecting her children. And when she gets out, consider going no contact until she’s in a center or sober enough to see that what you’ve done is a blessing for her and those babies.
You did the right thing and it seems like she’s going to give you absolute crap for it, do NOT LET HER TAKE THOSE CHILDREN BACK. Get them into therapy ASAP and show them the love and mother figure that children deserve. You are a saint for all you’ve done so far but you would be the jerk if you backed down now.
NTJ obviously but PLEASE do not let her weasel her way into motherhood again when she so clearly needs help.” totallynotavamp
17. AITJ For Threatening To Call Animal Control On My Neighbor's Aggressive Cat?
“My neighbor has an aggressive outdoor cat that finds its way into our fenced-in yard almost every single day. It goes and hides in the bushes and will go after my two small dogs when they go out for potty breaks.
It hisses and swipes at me and my husband if we are doing something in the yard. This has been an ongoing issue and I have asked our neighbor several times over the last few years to keep her cat confined to her own yard.
Here is the straw that broke the camel’s back. About three weeks ago, we found a nest of baby bunnies in our yard and have been diligent about making sure our dogs did not disturb them. Our dogs never go out unattended anyway, but ever since we found the nest, we have taken them on a leash.
This evening, I went out to do some weeding and found the baby bunnies dead. I just know it was that awful devil cat. I googled to see what animals would do that, and of course the number 1 contender was cats. I believe it was the cat because of its past aggressive behavior and the frequency with which we find it in our yard.
Anyway, the corpses of the baby bunnies set me off so I went to the neighbor and told her if I find her cat in our yard again, I will call the city to take it to the pound. She told me off and said that her cat has every right to freely roam in the neighborhood.
I am just at a loss at this point. I can’t let my dogs out alone because of this pest and now it is harming small animals in my yard. AITJ for telling this woman I would have her cat taken to the pound?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I would double-check animal laws in your area, but I don’t think you would be the jerk for calling. Especially after so many ignored requests. My cats are indoors only for their safety and the safety of other critters, but I do care for a few strays as well.
Per my area’s animal laws, the strays that I feed are now my pets and I’m responsible for them – which I don’t mind too much, but I would absolutely cart them off to the animal shelter (that I volunteer with) if I even thought they were endangering other pets in the area.” JustNoThrowsAway
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is pretty well established that outdoor cats are extremely harmful to the local environment. They disrupt the natural food chain by preying on birds, squirrels, bunnies, and other small rodents. And they can carry diseases that can easily be passed on to humans (like small children) if they antagonize your cat.
You don’t want the cat on your property, and the neighbor refuses to control it. They have been warned. Do what you need to do to keep the animal away (of course without harming it).” EveningJellyfish1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I actually saw an interesting TikTok sometime back about how wild cats and outdoor cats are actually bad for the ecosystem and stuff exactly for why you stated. They harm animals.
They harm endangered birds and baby animals etc etc. If she knows that everyone in the neighborhood is complaining about her cat then she should keep her cat indoors. It’s likely that her cat is a terror inside the house too and she doesn’t want to deal with it either, lol.
I would go ahead and call animal control and tell them about a super aggressive stray cat in the area and just let them deal with it, however be prepared for some potential backlash from the neighbor.” d_xx_d
16. AITJ For Being Angry At My Sister For Leaving My Kids With Our Estranged Parents?
“I (30m) have two children: Mason 10 months and Delilah 3 years old. My wife and I rarely go out while having two children and end up watching movies with our kids and eating snacks. My sister works as a daycare teacher. She volunteered to babysit, I didn’t mind as she was good with kids, and my wife also agreed while we went out for a while.
We dropped the kids off at 5 and came back at 8.
Context why I don’t like my stepdad or mum: my mum was unfaithful to my dad with him and he fully knew that she was married to him so he’s basically a home wrecker.
After a while, we went to my sister’s house and I knocked on the door and she answered saying “the kids are at mum and stepdad’s.” I was livid I asked her calmly why and she said “I was tired and Mason kept fussing I needed a break.” Considering that she’s a daycare worker I’d think she’d take care of them and not dump them off somewhere.
I went to pick my kids up, my mum tried to talk to me but I didn’t want to know what she was going to say and went home.
I told my sister that she’s a terrible guardian if she just dumps kids off at people we dislike.
She kept apologising but I couldn’t be bothered and blocked her.
They are bad people I don’t want my kids hanging around them.”
Another User Comments:
“Yeah, that was a total setup so your mom could have unfettered, uninterrupted access to her grandchildren and the fact that you were forced to interact with her later was a bonus.
In my opinion, your sister wasn’t “tired, needing a break”, she was volunteering for babysitting specifically with the intention of betraying you and giving your kids to estranged family members you don’t interact with. NTJ and in your shoes I’d be classifying that sister in the “people who don’t deserve our trust” column.” ApartLocksmith1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, OP. This reminds me of the time my husband was in Georgia, working. I managed to get my SIL, who lives maybe 10 minutes away on foot, to agree to watch my kids while I went to work (8-3, and yes, I’d told her this already).
Drop off was fine and I reminded her of the time in which I’ll be out of work. She calls me at work after two hours and asks, “When are you picking up your kids?” My response was, “B, I get out of work at 3.
I’ll be there by 3:30.” Her response? “OMG, A. I can’t watch them that long! I have to go to work at 1!” Frustrated now, I quickly asked my cafe manager if I could get off work at 12:30. Thankfully we weren’t busy and she let me go.
I get to her place at 1 pm almost on the dot. Her 16-year-old comes down the stairs with my kids and says, “Yeah, mom asked me to watch them so she could go to work early. ” Her son is 16, a very mature, wonderful kid. I had no issue with this.
My issue was that she kicked up a fuss when she could have asked him to watch the kids (who had their tablet, snacks, lunch, and even a change of clothes) until 3:30. For the record, we have asked him to watch the kids since then and have paid him around 40 dollars, depending on how long we’re gone.
Yeah, we actively avoid asking her to watch our kids now, since it was such an issue for her before. Sometimes people just want to be sneaky. Sometimes they want to pawn kids off on other people. Now, question: was she being paid to watch them?” Kumakashi_Watchdog
Another User Comments:
“Even without the background story of OP being NC with your mom and her husband, you are in every right to say what you said and to go NC with her as well. If someone had my child and then they just took them somewhere else without my permission there would be heck to pay.
As a daycare worker, she should have known what is expected of her as a carer, especially since she was transporting babies in her vehicle and anything could have happened. The background story makes her an even bigger jerk and I suspect she volunteered just so she could give your mom access that you had rightfully denied her.
OP you are NTJ, trust your gut and keep your babies away from your toxic family.” MetzelPretzel21
15. AITJ For Not Participating In Family Prayer Before Meals?
“My family is evangelical Christian and I was raised that way but no longer practice or believe. A lot of what my parents say and do grates on my nerves but I don’t ever say anything (things like, oh I’ll pray for you, or praise God it worked out, etc).
We’re about to go on a family vacation with my brother’s family, my sister’s family, my aunt and uncle, and my family. It’s a big group vacation that we do every year and my parents always insist on stopping anyone from eating, waiting for everyone to be seated, then asking everyone to bow their heads and waiting for everyone to do so (think teachers staring at their classroom saying “Oh, keep talking, I’ll wait”), then praying for several minutes.
There are 5 kids under 8 and no one but my parents’ generation prays before meals. I’ve found everyone my age doesn’t bow their head/close their eyes because they’re either trying to keep their kids in check or were never practicing Christians (my husband and BIL).
It feels like they’re forcing us all to practice their religion but I can’t tell if that’s my deep-seated anger at Christianity or a reasonable reaction. I’ve tried thinking about it like if I was visiting another family and they did something for their religion and I would at least respectfully observe.
But it’s my family, not a stranger’s family, and a religion and community that has done significant damage to me.
By not participating I just mean I’d just start eating once I’m seated and wouldn’t necessarily pause or bow my head while they pray.”
Another User Comments:
“Honestly, if the absolute worst thing you’re having to deal with religious parents is praying before meals, then count your blessings and let them do it. What are you going to do? Rudely start chowing down while they’re in the middle of a prayer? Give your family the same courtesy you’d give a stranger.
That’s not unreasonable. Many of us grew up with religious parents. I did. My dad likes to say a prayer before meals. It makes him happy. It hurts nobody. I’d be the jerk if I told him he couldn’t do that around me anymore, and you would be too.
One of the hardest things about anger at religion is separating the genuinely harmful things from the harmless things that give people a sense of order and meaning in their lives. Prayer at meals (as long as it doesn’t drone on incessantly) is harmless. If your dad is going on and on and on, the polite thing to do would be to privately let him know that with the ages of the children in your family and the size of the family, it would be easier to get everyone to be quiet for a moment if he kept it brief.” Eastern_Fox5735
Another User Comments:
“While I don’t think it would be a great idea to actually start eating while they’re praying, it doesn’t make you a jerk for not wanting to pray or getting upset by them attempting to force you to do so.
Everyone who is saying, “That’s just the way of the world,” or “It’s not a battle worth fighting,” is projecting their feelings/experiences onto you. Religious trauma is a unique kind of hurt that takes so much dismantling to process. For you, it might be a battle worth fighting – that’s for YOU to decide.
You have no obligation to even passively be forced to participate in weird rituals that directly tie to what has caused you harm. I would suggest having a conversation about that boundary with some of your family members – but I know that’s easier said than done.
Another option might be to group all the people who DON’T pray at one table, as you said you all sit at several separate tables. That way, you’re not actually forced to be directly in the “prayer circle” but you’re still there.
The biggest thing, I guess, is just to be transparent and firm in your boundaries. You can’t control how your parents will react but you CAN control how you communicate with them and engage with their religious practices. I hope you’re able to figure out something that works.
YWNBTJ for refusing to pray, but eating while they pray is probably not a great idea.” Luminous_Mermaid
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Orayers at meal times do not need to be several minutes long. I’m in a similar situation where I’ve stepped away from religion, but my parents are not this aggressively religious.
I still bow my head while my dad prays, but it is not a long drawn-out prayer, it’s a 10-second (if that) generic meal prayer, and he never prays for any meal but meals at home. I’m sure if it was a short prayer in your situation I’m sure you wouldn’t be frustrated by it.
My deep-seated religious habits say it’s rude to eat during someone else’s prayer, but being it’s several minutes long and in this setting where not everyone is religious, it’s too extreme and I think they’re disrespectful for expecting everyone to participate. If you think it will make a difference, speak to your parents, ask them to cut their mealtime prayers short if they expect everyone to be respectful/participate.” ginger3392
14. AITJ For Speaking Spanish Around A Colleague's Mom Despite Being Asked To Avoid Her?
“I (43f) grew up with parents who loved to travel. Since part of my childhood was spent in different places I ended up learning a few languages. One of them being Spanish.
At my job, there is a small group of people who also speak it, and one girl Jillian who doesn’t speak but somewhat understands.
The issue came when I got a text from Jillian. We were supposed to have a family day and her mom was supposed to go and she asked me to avoid her because she will make comments about me since she was from the older generation.
I agreed because I didn’t want to be around someone who was just going to be negative and ruin my day. So the day of, I made sure to not have any contact with her. However, one girl came over with her saying how I actually spoke fluent Spanish.
She and I got along really well and not once did she make a rude comment towards me.
When Jillian came over her mom started saying things like “look sweetie even a foreigner can speak YOUR native language.” She basically kept making passive-aggressive comments towards her.
Later Jillian sent a whole paragraph basically saying how I’m a jerk for showing off and I should’ve just faked it or walked away. I told her her family issues aren’t my freaking problem and to leave me alone.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here but your last sentence and title lean into being a jerk.
She asked you to avoid an uncomfortable thing between her and her mom. You were definitely innocent in your actions, but don’t be so flippant about her situation/how she feels.” WerewolfCalm5178
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you did your due justice avoiding her, not your fault she didn’t tell anyone else that her mom dogs on her for not being able to speak Spanish.
Having weird parents is hard but she wasn’t truthful in how her mom was weird so y’all didn’t know what conversations would trigger her/what to avoid talking about.” EndlessEntropy101
Another User Comments:
NTJ and I don’t think you’re a jerk for your response either.
You don’t owe your coworker anything and she can’t just expect people to cater to her insecurity lol. (Not saying it’s her fault for being insecure, cause mom is definitely a jerk who is causing it.) Whatever she has going on is between her and her mother.” might_2_guy
13. AITJ For Giving My Stepdaughter A Hug And Kiss Goodbye Against Her Biological Father's Wishes?
“My partner (36) and I (32) have been together for over a year now. I had Ruby (8) and she had Iris (6) from previous relationships. I love them both and always try to treat them equally.
Iris didn’t like me very much at first but I think we’re close now.
Anyway, Iris hated affection from me, especially physical affection, since I was a stranger and not her dad and all that. It definitely didn’t help that Ruby used to get jealous (the two of them are really close and adorable now). Plus she hated me showing affection to her mother.
I’ve always been affectionate to Ruby, and still have been, though I tried not to push Iris into it. The relevant one is that when I drop the girls to school I always give Ruby a hug and kiss goodbye (unless she doesn’t want it).
Iris didn’t want me to, so I’d just say goodbye, maybe a high five.
However, when this term started, Iris gave me a hug and wanted a kiss goodbye, like Ruby. I was surprised but really happy, and obviously accepted. My partner found it adorable.
Iris still doesn’t really want many hugs or anything when we’re home, I think she’s just not a fan of that stuff. But the kiss and hug goodbye definitely makes up for how much she usually hates it.
Neither of us ever mentioned this to Iris’ father, because it really doesn’t seem like a big deal. However, two weeks ago I ran into him at the gate while he was dropping Iris and I was dropping off Ruby.
Iris ran over to us to talk to Ruby, and before they both left to go to class I gave them a hug and kiss goodbye. He didn’t say anything then, and I went home. But apparently, he was angry. He called my partner and said I’m not her father and it’s creepy and inappropriate.
My partner said they argued about it, but he thinks it’s disgusting for me to do it when I’m not her father. My partner told me that he’s being ridiculous, and to just ignore it. And I basically have, and just left it to Iris.
But I guess he asked Iris about it or something because after he had her again, he had a go at my partner about it even angrier. Apparently, it’s disgusting and since I’m not her dad I’m just confusing her, trying to replace him, etc.
My partner still thinks it’s just him being ridiculous as usual. But when I complained about it to my brother, he told me that I’m overstepping. He told me that I’m a stepfather and that even if he’s overreacting I should respect his wishes. Apparently, it makes sense he wouldn’t be happy after he asked me (well through my partner) to stop.
My brother has a lot more experience parenting than I do, so I usually rely on him for advice, but I really didn’t expect this. While my gut instinct agrees with my partner, maybe I’m just being selfish, and I’m being unfair to Iris’ father like my brother says.
Is it wrong to hug and kiss my stepdaughter, even though her father says no? I feel like it should be fine, but my partner and I are obviously biased here.”
Another User Comments:
“As a child of divorced parents and stepparents, I can tell you you’re doing a great job if the kid likes you that much!
Don’t ever let her stop this just because an adult has a problem with this. NTJ of course. I mean it’s a hug and a kiss like a parent would kiss their children. So why on earth shouldn’t you kiss her goodbye like your own daughter just because it’s “only” your stepdaughter?
She wanted to hug you! Not the other way! So if she’s okay with it, it’s okay!” Potential_Speech_703
Another User Comments:
“100% NTJ. It’s completely up to Iris on what she does. She sets the boundaries on what she thinks is acceptable and the level of physical connection.
Your partner is right and her ex is just worried about himself and his ego. I have two bonus daughters. We’ve bonded from the start but I always leave everything up to them. They can choose to call me Mike or Dad whenever they want.
They can choose to hug me. They can choose to kiss me. The only thing I make sure of is that they understand that it’s their choice what they do and I’m open to whatever they’re comfortable with. The petty bickering of exes and partners only serves to harm the kids.
Love is love. There is no limit to how much love a person can give and receive and no limit on the number of people that can love you. Her ex should be thrilled that his daughter is in an environment where she is accepted and loved unconditionally.
Your brother is dead wrong.” PolackMike
Another User Comments:
“Being a step-parent is hard. But it’s also hard for the biological parent because they feel like you’re replacing them. Your objective is to convince everyone involved you’re an additional person in the children’s life, not a replacement for one.
I personally get fighting mad when someone calls me a stepfather as an insult, but I’ve learned to let it go. What matters is how the child feels, and her father just has to learn to put her needs first. And remember, eventually everyone in this situation will be an adult and can see how everyone in the parent circle acted.” realauthormattjanak
12. AITJ For Asking My Trans Son To Consider A Different Name?
“My 19-year-old recently came out to me as a trans man (assigned female at birth). I was so honored to be the first person he came out to in our family, especially since I have more conservative views and my sister is a fellow member of the LGBTQ community.
I told him that he will always be my child and nothing will ever change that, I love him and support him and just want him to be happy. I could tell that a weight was lifted off his shoulders and we both cried.
He told me that he has been going by another name at college.
This is where the issue started. For very personal reasons, I detest the name he has chosen. It reminds me of the worst time in my life and makes me upset. I asked him to consider another name.
He was upset. He said that this is his choice and that his new name is very personal and meaningful to him.
I told him that I understand but the name I gave him was very personal and meaningful to me, and if he had been assigned male at birth I had an equally meaningful male name that I would have given him. I asked him to consider that name instead.
He told me that I have greatly overstepped by even suggesting that he consider the name change. He hasn’t been cold to me but we also haven’t talked any more about it.
This whole subject is new to me and I’m not really sure if I am wrong or not.
So… AITJ for asking my trans son to consider the name I would have given him if he had been assigned “male” at birth?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You have a valid reason not to like his name, but he has a valid reason for keeping it (he’s been using it at school).
You’re asking, and that’s ok. I also think it’s OK to be hurt that your son doesn’t want to consider a name you’ve chosen, because most parents cherish the name-picking part of having children, and it can hurt when your child rejects the name, even with good reason.
But please consider your son has similar feelings. Choosing a name is a big and cherished aspect of coming out and transitioning. I hope maybe your son could compromise and be OK with you using a nickname, so you don’t have to be reminded of your bad experiences associated with your son’s new name.” depleted-user
Another User Comments:
“Very gently – YTJ. You’re not giving him the true context for why the name bothers you, so of course he doesn’t understand what the issue is. Instead, you are presenting him with what is meaningful to you at a moment when he is working really hard to be able to declare and live by what is meaningful *to him*.
So you disrespect that when you present him with a case that is about “what I want” (including stressing about his deadname’s importance to you when you chose it) and not “I support you, this name has bad associations for me, I am concerned that I will continue to struggle with that”.
But… for what it’s worth – as someone who had a bad association around a particular name issue – being constantly presented with someone else who had that name meant that it re-oriented for me, and lost the pressure/pull it had on me and my emotions when I hear it.
It is very very likely that regular exposure to the name will mean that you re-orient and it will no longer be a trigger for you. You still have cleanup work to do with your son and explaining the real reason you reacted to his new name.” animaniactoo
Another User Comments:
“While I applaud you for being supportive of your son and his identity as a trans man, YTJ regarding his chosen name. I understand that the name he chose reminds you of a terrible time in your life. And I assume that means that a person by that name caused you some sort of trauma.
If that’s the case, it’s obviously not your fault that the name reminds you of that trauma. However, it is your responsibility to manage your response. I say that as someone who is also a survivor of some pretty heinous traumas in my own past. We are not to blame for what we’ve suffered, but we are responsible for putting in the work to mitigate our mental health’s effect on other people.
I’m married to a transwoman. When we met, she was still living as a man. She had told me that she had dealt with some gender dysphoria in her much younger years. I’m a ciswoman who has only ever gone out with cismen in my life (I’m 40 years old now, my partner is 39).
When she came to me in 2020, 8 years into our relationship and 6 years into our marriage, to tell me she couldn’t live as a man anymore, it was still quite a shock. But who she is hadn’t changed. So we worked through it. Now, she still hasn’t changed her name as her name given at birth is fairly gender-neutral. But she still may choose to change her name at some point.
I would never, ever presume to have a say in what name she chooses. And you shouldn’t assume you have a say in the name your son chooses, either. He is the one who has spent most of his life living in the identity that was forced upon him, with a name that he didn’t want.
Now, he gets to choose who he will be. That includes his name. If you truly get upset just by hearing a name – any name – then I encourage you to seek out therapy. Clearly, there are issues that you need to work on, both for your own mental health and for the sake of your relationship with your son.” omgpwny
11. AITJ For Refusing To Attend My Son And Stepson's Wedding?
“I (55M) had a son (Immanuel 26M) with an ex-partner I had, we wanted to be together for the sake of our kid but we were just not compatible so I ended up leaving.
I barely saw my son after this (because of my ex) but we could still create a bond. When he was 8, I had to move to another country because of my job, and that’s where I met my current wife, she had a son already (Dan 27M), and we got married and had two more kids.
I used to phone my bio-son like two times a week, he knew about my new family but never really got to meet them.
We moved back to my country in 2013 (my wife, my stepson, and my daughters), my son was 17 at that time and his mom refused to let him come to visit us.
It wasn’t until he turned 18 that he could come visit me.
He and my stepson seemed to hate each other and every time my son visited, my stepson would make mean comments about my son and my son would make mean comments in return.
December last year, they sat us down to let us know that they have been in a relationship since they were 19/20 and also told us that they wanted to make it official because my stepson proposed to my son on a trip, and they had been to my stepson’s native country (we didn’t know they went together).
My wife and I were shocked.
We weren’t shocked because they are gay (my wife comes from a liberal country (the Netherlands) but because they are stepsiblings and family.
They have a date for their wedding 21/06, and they even talk about having kids together.
Everyone seems to have gotten over it, even my wife, my stepson’s father, my ex, and my ex’s husband and it seems like everyone is attending the wedding but me.
My stepson and son (who will somehow become my sons-in-law, this is messed up) told me they want me to deliver a speech at their wedding, but I refused and told them that I’m not even attending the wedding.
They called me a jerk and homophobe (which I’m not) and told me that if I don’t attend the wedding, they’ll cut me off from their lives.
My wife calls me the jerk but I don’t know what to do.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. True, it is an unusual situation, but 1) They are in no way biologically related and did not even grow up together. 2) Not accepting your son’s marriage is a surefire way for you to remain alienated from him. Is that really what you want? 3) If everyone who is close to the situation is telling you YTJ, you probably don’t need to go out to the internet looking for a different opinion.
Listen to them and do a little soul searching.” tlf555
Another User Comments:
“Sorry dude while it is understandable that this feels weird to you, considering them both as sons, this isn’t how they feel about each other. They don’t share blood and were not raised together (not even in the same country) so they are NOT brothers at all.
Everyone is on board with it, and that should tell you you’re being unreasonable so if you want to keep being a part of their life, get over it. YTJ.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“Please consider that what you’re actually upset about is your relationship with your sons.
I am sure that after all the years you spent with your stepson you feel in many meaningful ways like his true father. And that’s a relationship that was taken from you with your other son. I imagine that this wedding feels to you like it invalidates your fatherhood of one or both of these men and draws attention to both your lack of paternity with your stepson and your lack of a lifetime with your son in a way that really hurts.
It makes sense to feel that way, and I am sorry that you’re being put in a position to face uncomfortable feelings about your family dynamic. That being said, YTJ if you take those feelings out on your sons and their relationship. You will damage your relationship in real ways that are under your control if you miss this wedding.
It is beautiful that they asked you to give a speech, and please see it as an acknowledgment of how much YOU mean to both of them. Their relationship with each other has nothing to do with their relationship with you. Don’t damage one to spite the other.” dinosnoring
10. AITJ For Wearing A Hat In Pictures While Balding?
“I’m (20m) one of those guys who started balding really early. I first noticed some thinning when I was 17 or so and it’s progressed into a small patch about the size of a Red Bull can right at the top of my head. I’m single and use apps (probably a mistake in retrospect) and before I tell you what happened, I’ll explain what my profile looks like.
I don’t want to post pictures of myself on here, but you’ll get the point. I have 7 pictures on my account, 4 of which I’m wearing a hat, and 1 is a group photo from a distance. The other 2, my bald spot is visible, not super obviously or anything, but you can catch it because of the high angle.
Those two pictures are at the end of the photo reel on my account for obvious reasons.
So I matched with this girl a week or so ago and we were chatting back and forth for a few days. We seemed to click pretty well, on the phone at least, so we arranged to meet up yesterday at a local park for Victoria Day fireworks.
I arrive second and she texts that she’s waiting in her car for me, I arrive, we hug, and all seems well. We start walking down the trail and at some point, I took my hat off and put it in my hoodie pocket. Now she’s a good bit shorter than me and it was pretty dark out, so I guess she didn’t notice my spot for about 5 minutes or so, but when she did she literally stopped and asked something like ‘have you had that this whole time?’ and I was really caught off guard.
Obviously, I’m self-conscious about it so I was like yeah you could see it in my pictures? Also, we have been texting for like a week like friends. I don’t know why you haven’t looked at my profile? And she got really mad saying I was trying to trick her by hiding the photos at the end and that she never would have talked to me if she knew.
She also accused me of being older and lying about my age. I was kind of shocked honestly and just said you’re being really mean about something I’m really insecure about and she just left saying I’m a huge creep and to delete my account.
My friend said she was mean but that I should probably have only hatless pictures on my profile and had no right to call her mean. I’m conflicted because obviously she overreacted, but I don’t think it’s my fault she didn’t notice something that was such a deal breaker when it was visible in 2 pics.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That girl was completely out of line, and I’m sorry that happened to you. If you wear hats often in your life, then having photos of you in hats is representative of who you are, and therefore there’s nothing wrong with it.
You have a few photos without them, so people can see the full you. That’s plenty.” Classic_Special7045
Another User Comments:
“Not the jerk for being bald, and it can bring up a lot of insecurities going bald, especially at a young age. I would say probably have a photo at least where it’s noticeable.
Just to put to rest any ‘surprises.’ There are people who lie or edit photos to make them look flattering or quite different from how they’d look in person. She effectively accused you of catfishing. Not that you were, but that’s how she thought.
She definitely could’ve handled that better.” ash_ninetyone
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you are well rid of her. A word of unsolicited advice though: many people your age that you meet this way probably will suspect that you are older than you claim. It’s hard sometimes to tell.
So you may want to prepare a canned response that explains the situation so that conversations don’t devolve into “uh huh, nah ah, uh huh, nah ah.” You don’t owe anyone an explanation, but sometimes it works better if you smooth the path for strangers you’re interested in getting to know better.” WholeCollection6454
9. AITJ For Being Upset About Raising My Partner's Son After My PCOS Diagnosis?
“I (19 f) got a Pcos diagnosis and with that comes infertility.
My partner (32 m) and I have been trying to conceive for a while now, and it hasn’t happened for us and now with the diagnosis, we’re fairly certain that it won’t. He tried to console me over it because I’ve been a mess and he was saying that I can at least help raise his son, who is 5, as my own.
I will always help with his son however it does hurt knowing I’ll be expected to help with and raise a child that isn’t my own when I’ll never get that, like I’ll always be step mommy, not mommy. He’s always gonna love her and go to her first, plus I’ll never get the newborn stage, or the toddler stage, never be the one that the school calls, or that he wants to snuggle when sick, like so many things that involve having kids I’ll never experience.
So while yes I’ll love his son, that still does upset me.
He says I’m being ungrateful and I should just take what I can get and now he’s mad because I said that it’s not the same and that I’m still very upset. So AITJ for telling him that while I know his intentions were good with bringing up that I have his son in my life, it’s just overall not helpful and I’m still hurt?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but please please please be careful. A 32-year-old wanting to impregnate his 19-year-old partner? Who has only been with her for a year or a little more is a MAJOR red flag. His son was born when you were 14. He graduated high school when you were five.
To a different question – I also have PCOS – first of all, keep in mind that PCOS does not automatically mean you’re infertile, it’s worth getting that checked, and even if you are there’s always the possibility of freezing your eggs and using a surrogate.
BUT THAT SAID: please do not have children with this man. Are your parents aware you’re seeing and planning to have children with a man who’s 13 years older than you?” hippoknife
Another User Comments:
“So much to unpack here. OP is 19, and has been trying to conceive “for a while” with a man in his 30s.
Yikes. His response to the devastating reality of infertility that OP is dealing with is to tell her she should be “grateful” because HE already has a child? What an insensitive jerk. NTJ. OP, please rethink your choices. (Also, everyone’s medical situation is unique, but I have PCOS and managed to conceive my son.
Have you gotten a second opinion? Have you looked at treatment options? I hope you do have a baby someday, but maybe not with this particular guy. He is being horrible to you.)” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And to follow up with the people who are pointing out the age difference, here is part of what the big deal is about: around about 25 is when your brain finishes maturing.
It goes through a phase of neural pruning in your frontal lobe. This means that a lot of the connections in your frontal lobe shut down. Your impulsivity and emotions are much more balanced by your logic and reason. It’s nice in that you aren’t as blown around by the wind, but things are also not quite as exciting and mind-blowing as they were during your teenage years.
You see the world differently, you make decisions differently. You are still you, but you’re more in control. This brings up at least two issues. 1) A man in his stage of life, with his experiences and developmental level should not be in the same place as he was in his early twenties.
And he should not be looking for a partner in that place. I don’t know why he went after you, but it may be worth it to have a long chat about relationship expectations. 2) You will see things very differently in the next 5 years or so.
The statistic of a lot of early marriages ending at about age 25 is not a coincidence. There is nothing wrong with having a baby young, but you still have so much life ahead of you. Life that you will look differently on by your mid-twenties.
And try not to worry so much about the PCOS diagnosis. There is a lot of time ahead of you to figure out a baby solution. Your body changes so much over time, and medicine is always improving. Focus on being the best person you want to be, and the rest will get figured out.” Sneaky_Clepshydra
8. AITJ For Telling My Father Not To Come To My Wedding Because Of His Threats Towards My Sister?
“I am getting married in 2 weeks. It is important that I have the people closest to me there, my sisters and their children being some of the most important.
My father and one of my sisters got into an altercation 3 years ago and have been estranged from each other ever since. While my sister has made it clear she intends to avoid him and wants no trouble, my father who harbors an immense amount of vitriol and disdain for my sister implied that if she was going to be there, he would bring security detail with him to hold him back from “going at her.” In response, I told him that if he did not trust himself to behave in her vicinity then perhaps it would be best if he came to just the ceremony while she stayed for the reception.
In response, he said he’ll come to neither and someone else can give me away, namely my “matchmaker” aka the common friend (F) that my fiancé and I happen to share who had no direct hand in us getting together.
Note: he has not contributed a penny to the wedding, moving, or any of my post-secondary schooling, and in the two years of knowing about my betrothed, has barely found the time to meet with us twice despite having ample free time.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He is giving you an ultimatum: Dis-invite your sister or I won’t walk you down the aisle. Your sister cares enough about you to bury the hatchet for the day. I think your decision is clear. 1. You don’t need anyone to walk you down the aisle 2.
If you want to have someone walk you down the aisle, then the honor should go to the person who was the most important positive influence(s) in raising you. It doesn’t have to be a male and it doesn’t have to be 1 person. I’ve seen mothers, grandfathers, both parents, step-parents, older siblings, etc. You could have your sisters walk you down if you wanted.” Corpuscular_Ocelot
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He needs to hire a security detail to protect others from himself? I realize this was probably supposed to be a joke but it makes him sound like a crazy person. I’m sorry your parent isn’t able to be adult enough to exercise self-control for your one special day.
Not including him sounds like the perfect solution. Kind of him to warn you about his intended bad behavior ahead of time. Best wishes!” trickortrouble
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your dad is unwilling to compromise for you for one day, your sister is. Spite your father and have the “matchmaker” walk you down the aisle, or even better, have your sister walk you down the aisle.
Also, look at a relationship with your father in the future, he didn’t contribute to your major life events financially, only met your fiancé twice, is willing to fight and probably harm HIS OWN DAUGHTER AT HIS OTHER DAUGHTER’S WEDDING, he will not put aside something that happened three years ago for one day, he does not deserve to go.
Do you want to continue being around him? Do you want him to be around future children (Where he will no doubt try to get them to hate your sister if he’s this bad)? BUT do hire a security detail for the wedding, because he might try to show up uninvited now to start a fight.” Silver_Kitty_Kat
7. AITJ For Not Giving Up My Photography Hobby Despite My Wife's Discomfort?
“My (49M) wife (46F) believes totally that taking photos of women is “something only an inappropriate person would do”. This was her comment with regard to photos of a fully clothed (jeans and hoodie) 19-year-old which I had shared on my Instagram feed. She has repeatedly refused to allow me to take photos of her.
Not sure how she would react to photos of a confident 20-year-old model wearing her favorite night-out dress showing more skin than it covers.
I am of the opinion that provided I am professional in my behavior, treating models with the respect I would expect to be shown to my daughters, that there is nothing wrong with being a photographer.
Several model agencies have referred their beginner models to me to help them build their portfolio, as I have a good eye for portrait photography and a talent for working with people. I have never had a model refuse to work with me again for any reason.
Rather than giving up a hobby which I find enjoyable and a good way of forgetting the stresses of life for a while I am following the 11th commandment and not getting caught. Yes, I am aware that I am a jerk for secretly continuing without her agreement.
My question is AITJ for not giving up a hobby I take great pleasure in to placate my wife’s opinion?”
Another User Comments:
“There’s something that just rubs me the wrong way about a 50-year-old man taking pictures of a 20-year-old woman in “a dress that shows more skin than it covers” (which honestly is a really creepy way to describe it and not professional at all).
Especially for fun. This is not your profession. Ultimately, if your wife feels uncomfortable with this, then it is not for any of us to decide that her feelings are invalid. She is entitled to draw her boundaries within her marriage. You’re currently violating those boundaries.
You can sure choose to have your hobby, but you will have to accept the consequences up to and including divorce that come along with it. YTJ for lying to your wife and that creepy line about the dress.” Graves_Digger
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because of how you’re describing the women, the situation, and invalidating your wife.
You are being inappropriate. My cousin is a photographer. He is a professional boudoir photographer in his late 40s. He photographs 90% women. Not a single thing he’s ever said comes to the level of creepiness you expressed in this post. He would never describe the women (or men) he works with or their outfits this way.
That’s the difference between an inappropriate person and a professional.” madthegoat
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Lying to your wife is not a good idea. It’s going to get you in trouble. Honesty is important because it backs up your credibility. If you lie about this, how do people know you’re not lying about that?
There’s nothing wrong with being a photographer. It’s not all about photographing people so they look hot. It’s about making people look good – whatever that ends up being. It’s also a job – even as a hobby. You’re not there to stand and gawk at people, you’re there to take pictures.
You’re focusing on the lighting, stray hairs, facial expressions, poses, shadows, flash, and tons of other technical things. There’s also a difference between shooting professional models and random people. If you’re a professional model, your appearance IS the commodity. That doesn’t make it okay to be inappropriate, but there definitely can be some conversations and comments that would be out of place normally.
If you want to be a model, you have to learn to be comfortable in front of lights and cameras. It’s like if you want to be a skydiver, you need to be comfortable in airplanes. Normally, we don’t shove people out of perfectly good airplanes.
It’s not for everyone. But for those that give their consent, it’s not a problem.” Graflex01867
6. AITJ For Not Defending My Sister When My Friend Insulted Her Height?
“One of my (17M) friends came over during the spring break to hang out and play some video games with me. During our meet-up, my sister (15F) walked in and asked me where I kept her iPhone charger and I told her I was using it at the moment for my phone.
My sister is quite tall for a girl her age (at least I think so), and she’s even taller than me. I would say she’s….5’9? I’m 5’8 and she’s a bit taller than me so I think she’s 5’9. Anyways, my friend saw her and remarked and said “wow you’re a freaking giantess” and made a gesture with his arms that showed off an example of someone just walking clumsily.
Looking back I don’t know what made him say this since my sister is very much on the thin skinny side, and she doesn’t look disproportionate or anything. To be honest, I was still processing what my friend said, but by the time I understood what he was doing, my sister looked visibly upset and left the room where we were playing.
I told my friend that what he said was wrong and offensive, but we went back to playing afterward and I don’t think I was hard enough on him. Later, my parents told me that I should have defended my sister and both my sister and parents are a bit upset with me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I don’t think it took you a long time to process that your friend was insulting your sister. It took you too long to realize that she was upset by the comment. Generally speaking, I don’t think the whole “big brothers need to defend their little sisters” is right.
But this was your friend you brought into the house where your sister also lives. So it is your responsibility to make sure he is behaving and treating your family with respect. You should have told him that you wouldn’t tolerate him insulting your sister and been firm about it.” Direct-Pineapple8909
Another User Comments:
“Kind of a jerk move – remember that as her older brother, she is learning from you how she should be treated – and by allowing your friend to disrespect her, and in your own words, by not being “hard enough on him” – you are basically teaching her to swallow these insults and not expect you to defend her.
I don’t completely blame you because as you said it took a minute to process everything and you did eventually talk to your friend about how that wasn’t okay – but remember all that your sister saw was you allowing her to be mistreated, which basically tells her that you’re okay with her being disrespected and in the same stroke, she may feel betrayed by you, and feel that she can no longer look at you as a source of protection.
When it comes to anyone in your family, especially the women in your family, you should work on your reflexes and react quicker next time to ensure that you are uplifting protecting, respecting, and defending those that should matter most to you.” VenusFerrero
Another User Comments:
“As a tip just in general try to stop friends commenting out loud about how someone looks. It’s not good he thinks it’s ok to do that but you’re both teenagers and people say stupid stuff. Maybe he’s insecure about tall girls or just trying to be funny but either way, it’s at the expense of someone else and that’s what’s not right.
In this case, someone he’s not met before I assume, and someone younger. Not cool to do that. You called him out on it but was too late for your sis to hear. You were still trying to figure it out and got there in the end.
Next time ask the person “hey what did you say just then?” if trying to figure out what he’s meaning try to buy some time for your head to catch up. Yeah, ask him to have a word with your sis next time and apologize.
If he refuses you know what kind of friend you have (not willing to own they’ve hurt someone and make up for it). Not meaning he’s all bad but it’s thoughtless. Tell your sis what you did say to him and say you were sorry as still figuring out and you should’ve jumped in sooner.
And you will next time. Plus that you will have another word with him. But he needs to apologize to your sister, not to you. Don’t let him off the hook with that.” Ok-Bridge-5543
5. AITJ For Not Funding My Husband's Non-Essential Surgery?
“I’m 35f and I’m married to a 35m. We’ve been together for 13 years, lived together for 11 years, and married for 7 years. When I met him, I knew of his health issues.
He’s had them since childhood and they will eventually end his life. Since living together, he insists we pay our own way and doesn’t believe in gifts (unless it’s a birthday. Due to his religion no holiday celebrations/gifts). Even when I got him things in the past for no reason, he only accepts them if I agree that he doesn’t have to buy me anything.
Since we go half on shared bills and whole on things solely for one of us, we don’t make decisions on what the other spends their money on. However, due to this and his health condition, he has his own health insurance. If he gets a treatment or medication, I have no say in it.
It’s also true for me, but I am healthy.
He’s looking into having a surgery that his insurance will cover. While this surgery may help, it is not needed or will “cure” him. However, he would have to take time off of work and he wants me to foot all of the bills for 3-6 months.
He makes more than me and will pay me back. I could (since we outright own our house and don’t have kids) afford this if I only pay bills and nothing extra. Not even a coffee. While I don’t want to do this, I asked if I did this, do I get any say in his health (and mine would be the same with him).
He said no because he would pay me back. I’ve decided not to help fund his time off. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s asking you to strain your finances because he didn’t do any financial planning. Paying you back doesn’t help if there’s an emergency, or you become ill or injured while he’s off work.
This setting is how people lose houses and end up homeless (extreme, but it happens). If this isn’t an emergency he needs to schedule it 6mo-1yr out and save up for the bills while he can. Open him another bank account and direct deposit a percentage of his checks.
Sounds like he shouldn’t have easy access to it as well. No debit card, no online money transfer. Set up the bills to come out automatically. Keep his fun money separate. I get the medical side I myself need minor surgery and other medical tests, etc. That would improve my life, but I can’t do it because I can’t afford it and until I have some savings it would ruin me to try.
This is America. There is no mercy for bills.” stary_sunset
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a really strange scenario. There’s no clear solution to this problem, and as such, you’re not being a jerk in my mind. What I mean by there being no clear solution is that I could imagine someone else choosing to loan him this money, and that person wouldn’t be doing the right thing anymore or less than you are.
By the same token, you’re not doing anything wrong at all: it is a lot to ask of someone when your entire relationship for over ten years has been predicated on financial independence. I don’t think people who are telling you to leave him are being helpful.
I know why they are saying it, and I know it comes from a place of concern and viewing a real schism in your values and faith. That said, if your marriage works and you’re happy with him, then I don’t see why you should need to leave him.
You haven’t mentioned any abuse, and you’ve already said both of you love each other. This is a stressful moment, so I’m sorry you’re having to defend your relationship right now.” JapanOfGreenGables
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know how you don’t see you’re being held hostage by this marriage because he’s convinced you that if you left him he would die.
He will not die because you leave him. He will die because of his booze and junk food abuse. He will die because he planned his finances poorly and didn’t save for any medical emergencies that may occur due to his medical condition + negligence of his health.
If he can handle a job, he’s perfectly able to manage his stress. NTJ for following the rules he set himself. I hope you have a deep discussion with yourself about how you want the rest of your life to look like. That’s not how a marriage should be.
And he may well live past 50, medical science is progressing each and every day. What happens when he can’t take care of himself anymore? He hasn’t saved for a live-in nurse or to move into any facility. Do you think his plan is to dump that responsibility on you?
It would be good to have that conversation sooner rather than later.” gsydhsbj
4. AITJ For Leaving My Husband At The Resort After He Yelled At Our Daughter Over Hot Water?
“It’s our first real vacation since 2020 and my first with just my husband in over 10 years.
Our daughter Annie (17) was left home alone. For some reason recently, Annie can do no right in hubby’s eyes. Dress, music, chores. He has deemed her irresponsible. It’s farthest from the truth.
She has a summer job and makes good grades. She’s in fact, kind of a hermit for her age.
Unknown to me, my husband set the hot water heater to refill only once a day while we are gone. Annie did some dishes and laundry.
She took a shower and the water was cold. She was upset and thought it broke and called us panicking.
My husband yelled at her for wasting our hot water and telling her how irresponsible she was, enough to make her cry.
I got madder than I ever have in this marriage and basically said most parents would love to have a 17-year-old like Annie.
We argued and screamed all night so the next day I left the resort to a little hotel down the street. My husband has been trying to call me and I told Annie to block her father and don’t pay attention to him.
My husband is mad about the wasted money on this vacation but I can’t stand to even look at him over an argument over something so stupid and preventable.”
Another User Comments:
“Your husband dislikes your daughter, so much so that he manipulated a situation so that he could have an excuse to bully her. This is deeply toxic and obsessive behavior. You need to truly consider whether you are enabling this mistreatment by staying with him and giving him an avenue for the ongoing verbal mistreatment of your child.
NTJ for your behavior here, thanks for sticking up for an innocent kid.” definitelyjanine5
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for canceling, but ESH for this situation. This did not happen overnight. Your husband has been awful towards your daughter for a while and you are only starting to put a stop to it now.
That makes you a jerk as well in letting it get this far. This was stupid and preventable, but that would have meant you standing up for your daughter long before now. You owe your daughter an apology. Your husband deserves nothing.” holisarcasm
Another User Comments:
“My dad was like this growing up and his behavior got worse over the years. He was so bad, my guidance teacher was going to help me move out of my parental home. When I was 16, my dad was off work for a few weeks over the summer and my parents couldn’t afford to buy my school uniform, so I got a job to pay for it myself.
I then supported myself and paid for my own driving lessons and other expenses so they didn’t have to. My dad was angry with me for getting a job because he was worried it would affect my school and shouted at me loads. I paid for my own driving lessons and then bought a car.
He went nuts at me calling me irresponsible etc but then 2 months later, told me I had to give him my car whilst he was in the garage and then I became his taxi driver.
When I turned 18, I started going out with my friends to nightclubs and I dressed modestly.
(When jeans, a cute top, and heels with a blazer were fashionable to go out). He called me a heavy drinker and threw a bottle of opened champagne at me (that had been sitting in the fridge for 2 months after my birthday). Whilst at uni, I moved out of the house even though I lived in the same city and he didn’t speak to me for a year.
When I graduated, I moved to the other end of the country. I am pretty low contact with my family now and visit once a year.
OP consider this a warning to what your future will look like if your husband continues this kind of behavior.
My dad sees me as his retirement plan because I do well for myself but I will honestly be putting him in the cheapest and nastiest home I can find. When he dies, I honestly will not shed any tears as that man was dead to me long ago!” DevilInTheDetail66
3. AITJ For Telling My Roommate To Stop Wearing My Clothes Without Permission?
“Lately, my roommate (22F) has been taking my clothes and wearing them from the closet and I (23M) was fine with it but now it’s too frequent.
She takes my jacket, my T-shirt…etc and wears them sometimes even when she has her own clothes. I hesitated to tell her but now it’s kind of too much and creepy, I told her to stop doing that and she told me that she just likes the smell, that’s all so I shouldn’t worry about it.
I insisted and she eventually agreed…only for weeks later for her to get caught by me. I told her and yelled at her that she has to stop doing this or she will be kicked out. She has been mad at me and upset because she is harming nobody, ok but it’s creepy.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Info: Does she wear your clothes outside of your living space? Like to class/work/ etc. If she does wear them out it really sounds like she is into you and trying to mark her territory. If she is only wearing them inside it’s boundary stomping.
You are NTJ either way but knowing which it is makes it easier to deal with. Door locks if boundary problem. If trying to mark “her turf, aka you” you need to first make it clear to others you are not dating or she gets sympathy for being dumped even though you are not in a relationship.
Maybe when she wears something outside ask in a loud voice “I told you to stay out of my closet!” “I do not like you like that and you are creeping me out!” Or something along those lines. Do it as many times as she tries wearing your clothes around as many people as possible and word will get out that A) You are not seeing each other.
And B) that she has issues so you are warning other guys/girls. People don’t sympathize with creeps with boundary issues. So any sympathy she might get from “oh poor baby was dumped” turns to “let’s keep an eye on her in case she turns into a stalker.” Good luck!” Kittymamaxs3
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Taking them for the smell means one of two things – she wants to make someone jealous or she’s into you. I used to be young and silly too…I know from experience. I’d sit her down for a serious and stern chat before things get any weirder.
If that doesn’t stop her, it’s time for her to find somewhere else to live.” ElleGee5152
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She likes the smell of your laundry? She needs to get the same detergent. She likes the way YOU smell? She needs to find out what cologne or whatever you use.
Side note though, is there a possibility she’s going through some gender-identity shifts? Wearing men’s clothes could be helping her make sense of herself. Still doesn’t make it okay, she still needs to respect you. However, it might be an insight as to why, which could help you two navigate this.
Also, potential that’s she’s interested in you. But don’t assume that lol.” aurorakane420
2. AITJ For Asking My Husband To Carry The Heavy Laundry Basket Downstairs?
“The laundry basket gets really heavy right and it’s in our bedroom upstairs. My husband (M-29) went to go to the bathroom upstairs and I asked him if he could bring the hamper down for me (F-29) on his way back down so I could start our laundry.
(I would still have to carry it down another flight of stairs into the basement.)
He said, “no I’m working.”
I said “it’s on your way down, can you please help me.”
Then he literally blew up and said no again and then I’m like “can you please just bring it down with you so I can do your laundry too?”
And he refuses to come downstairs saying that I have to apologize and that he refuses to bring it down until I ask nicely (which I literally did the first time). Then I say that I already asked nicely and it was him that responded meanly and he said “well then I’m not bringing it down.”
Then he storms down the stairs and doesn’t bring it. Then I get mad because he could’ve brought it down by now had he just been a helpful husband and then he keeps saying I have to apologize. Eventually, he gets tired of me telling him that this is completely ridiculous then he storms back up and brings it down and slams the entire thing on the floor so hard in front of me.
Should I take my laundry out and leave his there? Would that make me the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Being a jerk would mean taking all of his clothes out of the basket, doing only your own clothes, then hiding his dirty clothes, one piece at a time in obnoxiously unreachable/weird places so it takes him weeks to find them all…where he can then proceed to do his own freakin’ laundry from here on until the ink dries on the inevitable divorce papers (because in my experience, it’s never just one small thing like this, it shows an overall attitude that will implode the relationship eventually).
And I’d still probably do that even if it made me the jerk.” boundnbrattybabygirl
Another User Comments:
“Shortly after we got married, my husband objected to something I did with his laundry. It was about 34+ years ago, so I have no idea what it was, but he was really put out.
So I said ok. Nothing else, just “ok”. Did my own laundry next time it needed it, left his in a separate basket. Took him a few days before he asked about his laundry. I told him since he didn’t like how I did it, he should do his own.
I haven’t touched his laundry since. And my kids grew up learning how to do their own laundry as soon as they were tall enough to reach the controls. He also learned the hard way to not say things about how his mommy used to cook this or cook that.” AuntTeebo
Another User Comments:
“You ask him to help you and he has every right to say ‘no’. Stupid as the reason may be, he has that right. Sure, you can try and elaborate your side by asking again, telling him he’s going the same way anyway, but he’s still allowed to say ‘no’.
Whatever his reasons, if he says ‘no’ (twice) it means… No? You made it your hill to die on. As an isolated incident: I think ‘YTJ’ would be too much, but you should’ve let it go after asking twice. Does he do this more often?
Not thinking about you when he could do something (or is asked something to do) for you? Then that would be something I’d have a conversation about with him. It would make me feel like an inconvenience to him…
(To be fair, I’ve had my head full of work stuff and told my husband ‘no’ when he asked me to do something convenient, as that would derail my train of thought too much at that moment.
Other moments I do stuff like that without him asking. Incidentally, it happens. And whenever: no means no.)” Drazilou
1. AITJ For Spending The College Money My Daughter Refused 10 Years Ago?
“I (49F) have 3 children (29F, 27F and 27M). But I will talk about my daughter, Emily (29F).
My ex-husband and I, when we received our parents’ inheritance + our salary, saved a good amount of money for our children for college (in my country there are public colleges, but this would be money for them to turn around and have independence from our finances).
Our only condition to release that money would be to go to college, as they may not pursue the college branch, but having something like that on their CV opens up job opportunities.
When Emily turned 18, she didn’t pass college and that was fine. So she decided that she would move to the capital to take prep classes for her college exam.
Summing up the result of this, we trust her, she took the classes for 3 months and used the money that would go for it on Starbucks, clothes, etc for the next 6 months.
There was a lot of arguing, prep classes weren’t cheap, and seeing our money being spent on a lie was something my ex and I were upset about.
She was angry that we cut that extra money. So she said she didn’t need any money from us and she wouldn’t need us anymore and cut off any help from us.
We tried to keep in touch, but she was upset and we understood.
Well, this happened about 10 years ago, my husband and I ended our relationship for different reasons and we tried to keep in touch with Emily, but there were many failed attempts and many things happened that left me deeply upset.
Last week Emily got in touch, saying that she was trying to get into college.
Brought up that saved money and my ex and I were honest.
I didn’t have that money anymore, my husband and I split half/half and bought our houses after the divorce, because in all our attempts to help, Emily refused any money to help, so we decided to keep the money and use it when we need it, since at no time did she give any indication in 6 years that she went back on her decision.
Her father and I could help a little financially, but all payments would be supervised because of the past.
She snapped at both of us, saying that we used the money she was entitled to and that we were selfish people to spend other people’s money.
It is worth saying that this money inherited from our parents was not left to our children (they died before they were born) and we never had a savings account dedicated to that, it was just money in our account.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She’s acting very entitled to money that she told you she didn’t need when you called her out for abusing your funds and trust 6 years ago. She’s a grown woman and threw a tantrum about misappropriating college money on Starbucks and went NC for 6 years.
Now she waltzes in and demands more money years later and is upset that you don’t have it anymore. She’s got some nerve.” MissKrys2020
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. These offers have time limits, and even if they didn’t, saying that you don’t need any help should clue you into the fact that it’s going to get spent.
I had a college fund that I was required to put 50% of all birthday/Christmas money into. However, it was a college fund that my parents heavily contributed to. It was clear for as long as I can remember that the money was for my college (or trade school) and if I didn’t use it, it became my parents’ vacation money.
When I was little, I swore up and down that my parents weren’t going to get MY college money and I was going to go to college so they couldn’t have it, so there! Even when I was young, I was at least partially fueled by spite.” EffectiveTemporarily
Another User Comments:
“ESH – At the time you gave it to her, it should have come with no additional strings attached. You initially said your “only” requirement was that she went to school, not what she spent the money on, so she spent it on what she wanted. If her schooling cost extra and you wanted her to use that money for it, it should have been stipulated at the beginning and you should have made it clear what the money was NOT to go towards if that was a concern.
You waited to make that rule until after you found out she was spending it away on Starbucks. She didn’t lie, from what I’m reading. She went to school and college prep classes. Your idea of financial independence and hers are clearly different. Financially independent people often waste money on luxuries, like coffee.
She’s a jerk for deciding after ten years of silence that she suddenly wants this money and your help. At this point, her saying she didn’t want it then years ago meant you could spend it on whatever you want, but I think you all suck.
A gift is not a gift if there are strings attached after the fact.” Jennabear82
