People Ask If We Can Evaluate Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
18. AITJ For Not Paying For My Uncle's Funeral?
“My uncle and I never had a good relationship.
I am born in Europe but from an ethnic minority background that has a very traditional structure. What the man says goes. That extends all the way to your uncles and grandparents… in my house, that was not the case, but some of my uncles operate like that.
Well, like any other young guy, as a kid, I got in trouble and fights sometimes. Nothing major, but they happened every now and again. This man would literally sit down in front of my face and actively try to convince my dad to send me to a religious boarding school back home, which was common to do for troublesome kids at the time.
Those boarding schools aren’t like the posh ones you see in movies. No. I knew many kids that went there and came back with serious PTSD. Without going into details, they were awful to the students. Very, very awful.
I knew my dad wouldn’t entertain the idea, but the thought of this man sitting in my parent’s living room plotting against me wasn’t it.
This dynamic went on from the ages of 8 to 17. Every time he saw me somewhere, he had to come with his arrogant comments about not dressing like this or acting like that and trying to embarrass me in front of people, despite himself being unemployed for 5 years straight.
He also had the habit of making stuff up.
In our culture, PDA is frowned upon, and he would tell my parents that he saw me with girls doing indecent stuff, which was never true. My parents never mentioned it to me because I was no longer 12 and my fuse with that man was shortening.
My sisters were the ones telling me all of that. Despite all of that, I still gave him the respect of ‘Hi and Bye’ but avoided him at all costs. I couldn’t stand the guy and neither did my cousins. He has also wronged my family a lot over the years in financial matters and more, but they have the religious view of ‘forgive and forget’ on everything.
Well, he passed away recently, and it turns out that unsurprisingly, he had no savings whatsoever and had not been sending the required monthly amount to a fund we have as a family for these events. The funeral will be expensive and I am the only person in the family who can afford to pay the full amount without it affecting my circumstances at all.
My parents and family asked me to do so and are guilt-tripping with religious talks about ‘forgive, God said…’ but I declined. I feel sick to my stomach for declining but I feel just as sick to my stomach when I think about doing so after all he said and tried to do against me (and my siblings) over the years, which is a lot (nothing inappropriate but still a lot more than disclosed).
I want to do it for my family but I can’t. When I think about him, my stomach turns and I hate that I feel this way. I don’t know if I will end up doing it, but I declined right now.
AITJ for refusing to pay for my uncle’s funeral?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is understandable why your family wants you to pay for your uncle’s funeral and they are using religious talks to try and convince you. However, it is also understandable that you don’t feel comfortable doing so given your history with him.
Ultimately, it is your decision to make and it is important to prioritize your own feelings and well-being. It may be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with your family about your concerns and come to a compromise that works for everyone.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s deceased and cannot sully you any longer. Religion is a powerful force in many families but being forced to any for someone who willfully refused to contribute to a family fund, made up stories about you, and plotted (behind your back) that you should have been sent to a punitive boarding school because you behaved like a normal youth – you are so NTJ.
Protect your privacy, and keep your financial information to yourself. Be kind to yourself, too by knowing that your decision isn’t wrong.” Classic_Passion5064
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If the man was hateful in life there’s no reason for you to pay him respect in death.
If the idea of your family being burdened with the cost bothers you then you could always contribute or even pay the whole cost and then refuse to go. That would be a kind of revenge against a man who never thought you’d amount to much but in the end, it’s him who couldn’t cover his own funeral.” RealWanderingWizard
17. AITJ For Siding With My Daughter Over Not Wanting To Share A Room With Her Half-Brother?
“I have a daughter (14F) with my ex. My ex in total has 4 kids, 1 with me and 3 with her current husband (9M, 7F, 4F).
She had to downgrade her home because of some financial issues and now they live in a 3-bedroom home.
Yesterday my ex called me angrily and asked me to talk some sense into my daughter. Apparently, my daughter and ex had a huge fight when my daughter found out she is supposed to share a bedroom with her half-brother, my daughter told her mom that she wants a room for herself or she will stop going to her home.
I told my ex that I understand that she has financial issues but she needs to understand that my daughter shouldn’t have to share a bedroom with her brother if she doesn’t want to do so. I said that I think my daughter is right and asked if I should pick her up since it seems like she is not willing to give her a bedroom for herself.
She called me a jerk and ended the call.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I understand that your ex is in financial difficulties and perhaps at this time cannot afford to have an individual bedroom available for your teenage daughter. However, it is totally reasonable for said daughter to not want to share a room with her brother.
Since staying with you where apparently she would not be required to share with a male sibling is an option for your daughter, my opinion would be that is what she should do. I know that this will not please your ex, but your daughter is not responsible for the situation your ex finds herself in.” VariousTry4624
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s understandable that you want to prioritize your daughter’s comfort and well-being during her visits with her mother. It’s also reasonable for your daughter to want her own space, especially if she’s not used to sharing a room with her half-brother.
While it’s unfortunate that your ex is going through financial difficulties, it’s not fair to expect your daughter to sacrifice her comfort for the sake of saving money on housing. You offered a reasonable solution by offering to pick up your daughter and it’s not fair for your ex to call you a jerk for wanting the best for your child.” User
Another User Comments:
“As a dad of a girl and a brother to two sisters, one of whom I bunked with for years until she could get her own room…. it was long overdue. She was older, and let’s be honest… sharing a room with your little brother is the dumps.
She had no privacy, nowhere other than the bathroom for alone time and hitting puberty. She needed it and couldn’t have it. There are no jerks here, but at the end of the day, she is your only concern, not her siblings. So fight for her and let her mom fight for her siblings and see where it all falls.” Odd_Fellow_2112
16. AITJ For Asking For My Sweater Back After My Mom Donated It Without My Consent?
“My paternal grandma who passed away made me a sweater that I love but my mom hates it to the point where she has forbidden me from wearing it outside of the house.
It’s a brown, blue, and white sweater that is uniquely designed and is something that not everyone would have the taste for.
But every time I wear the sweater I can almost feel the warmth of my grandma and it also slightly smelt like her.
When I came back home from a friend’s house I discovered that my sweater was missing, my mom said when I asked her about it that I must’ve just misplaced it.
My mom is an active member of the church and the church that we go to has an outreach program there where food, lightly used and new clothes, and other necessities are donated to people in need.
Fast forward a week or so I go to school and this girl who’s known as the quiet kid was wearing my sweater in the Cafeteria, so I naturally go up to her and confront her.
I’ll be honest I am quite popular at my school and confronted her with 2 of my friends who are also pretty well-liked at our school.
So I likely did come off as intimidating, especially to someone who usually is very quiet and keeps to themselves.
When I confronted her I said that I liked her sweater and asked her where she got it to which she mumbled something under her breath that I couldn’t understand.
So I asked again and she said it was donated, I asked her where and she reluctantly said the church, and I instantly knew then what my mother had done.
I told her that the sweater was mine and that it was stolen from me and that the right thing for her to do is return it to me.
She didn’t want to at first because it was chilly outside but ended up complying after I offered to get her a new sweater by the end of the day which I ended up skipping class to do so and got her more than just a sweater.
When I returned home I returned wearing my sweater, which my mom was unhappy to see. She asked me how I got the sweater back and I explained to her that I saw somebody wearing it at school and asked them to return my sweater.
She look shocked and angry and told me that she couldn’t believe that I was so obsessed with that hideous thing that I’d even take it from somebody in need whom she donated it to.
I told her that I can’t believe she’d give away something that she sees as pure trash to somebody in need and still call it charity.
She told me to shut up and called me ungrateful.
To which I replied that she had no right to steal and donate my personal belongings.
She said since I’m living under her roof she can do whatever she wants to my belongings and told me she would be reducing my allowance until I decide to part ways with the sweater.
I don’t know if I was being a jerk in this situation but will certainly give back the sweater even though it saddens me to see it go.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your mom shouldn’t be taking your things without your permission.
Withholding allowance because she doesn’t like that you got the sweater back is ridiculous.
You handled the interaction with the other student poorly. You knew she had received it via donation and yet you confronted her with your friends and made her say it was a donation to her.
You likely humiliated a student that already seems to be isolated. You should have quietly had a one-on-one conversation with her and if you really wanted it back, asked her politely instead of manipulating and bullying her into returning it.” Ducky818
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – your mom much more than you.
Your mom for donating the sweater behind your back.
You slightly, for how you confronted the girl. First, if the sweater is so unique, you most likely could tell it was yours. You went over with 2 friends in the cafeteria with others witnessing the conversation.
She was probably embarrassed having to get the sweater from a church, now everyone knows. You did replace it and gave her other items. You could have handled this better, however, you wouldn’t be in this situation if your mom didn’t do what she did.
I’m also sensing that your mom may not like that it was your grandmother that made the sweater that you love, which doesn’t give her an excuse for what she did.
So, mom is the jerk, you’re slightly the jerk, not for getting it back, but for how you did it.” travelkmac
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here slightly leaning towards NTJ.
I thrift a lot (although I know the girl who had the sweater received it by donation) and if someone approached me and said the item I was wearing was theirs that was donated by mistake/donated without their consent I would absolutely give it back, no questions asked. You did buy her two new sweaters which is really nice, but definitely apologize to her in private and tell her the meaning of your sweater/explain.
She’s pretty cool for just rolling with it, maybe invite her out shopping or to hang out and make a new friend out of the mishap.” FerretHoliday64
15. AITJ For Reporting My Friend To The Dean?
“My friend Ronald (22M) goes to the same university as me. It’s not a hard school to get into, it’s a 97% acceptance rate. We both take most of the same courses because we share the same major.
I try to make the best grades I can, but sometimes I get a B average. It’s not the best, but at least I’ve passed and put the effort into it.
Ronald has a very big issue with academics. He doesn’t study at all, and ends up copying on tests and quizzes because he ‘doesn’t know the material.’ His mother is fluent in Spanish and is a teacher.
He’s gotten her to do the majority of his Spanish work leaving him to not know grammar rules and various other things revolving around the language. All of our tests are online except one of our communications classes. All these tests are without an isolated browser.
So you can freely search the internet or just use your phone.
Midterms are this week. His last test was Wednesday and he had his mom on FaceTime doing the test. He was visiting my dorm and realized he needed to take his test before it closed officially.
I got upset and didn’t even talk to him as I called the office for academic dishonesty. I stepped out into the hallway, disclosed everything, and once they finished the report they thanked me and hung up.
Now flash forward to today, he got an email and phone call from the office saying he has been kicked from the university for his academic dishonesty.
It turns out his professors had already brought up the issue with the office. He called me and was screaming that ‘You called the Dean and kicked me out of the university’. I simply said, ‘You were being dishonest. Others work for their grades while you took a shortcut.
You made your bed now lie in it.’ Currently, he’s blasted me on all social media for it. His parents are furious and have threatened legal action against me. A few of our mutual friends said I should’ve just stayed out of it even if it was a crappy thing for him to do.
So am I the jerk for reporting him?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, from what you said they already knew he was being dishonest and were probably in the evidence-collection phase. Your evidence was a small piece of the final decision. Sounds like his parents are making a rod for their own backs by enabling him through dishonesty rather than working for something.
His mom will be lucky to keep her job if she’s aided in academic dishonesty, potentially even fraud if she’s actively helping him give false information for his personal gain.
Also, I don’t know much about the law in countries outside the UK, but people can’t sue a witness for them being caught doing something wrong.” Confused_Squish
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
He shouldn’t be dishonest, but also I don’t think you should be calling yourself his friend while deliberately setting out to get him expelled.
It’s not like Ronald was doing something objectively awful, he’s not selling illegal stuff to kids or assaulting people, he’s being dishonest with his activities in college.
He shouldn’t be doing it but let’s not pretend he’s doing something all that terrible here.
You should have just stayed out of it, your friends are right.” Click_To_Sign_In
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I’m imagining the deep genuine tone of that ‘Thank you’, I’ll bet they had hardcore suspicion but no evidence, had questioned him before and been threatened with legal action by the parents if they expelled him without evidence, and are truly grateful to you for removing the hassle with the parents and allowing them to protect the reputation of their institution by not having someone go into the world with a qualification from them and zero knowledge of the subject that qualification is in.
He would be using that qualification to get ahead of people who knew their stuff better, so you also helped those people. Depending on the field he was planning to go into, you probably also protected what would have been his future clients/customers. People’s livelihoods may have depended on him knowing things or being able to understand things he simply didn’t.
Possibly even their physical well-being. And if he got away with fraud once… There’s almost no limit to the damage he could have caused if you hadn’t STEPPED UP LIKE A BOSS AND DONE THE EXACT RIGHT THING!” Ebechops
14. AITJ For Not Giving My Friend's Partner My Rescue Inhaler?
“My friend, our significant others, and I planned a road trip for a couple of days. We all had 3 months to plan ahead.
For context, my friend’s partner and I have asthma. My asthma is so severe that I have disabled parking and a service dog in training.
I don’t know how severe his is, but I feel it’s relevant to add that he smokes different stuff.
Almost every time we all hang out, he asks to use my inhalers and I give them to him without a second thought.
Before we left for the trip, I let my friend know that I didn’t have the means to be sharing my inhalers with him.
As you’ve probably already guessed, he asked to use one of my inhalers on the last day of the trip. I gave him one of them to use and thought nothing of it until last night (3 weeks later).
So, my friend comes to me and says that as her friend, I could have at least given him a few puffs off my inhaler.
I told her that she was coming across as selfish for being upset with me over the inhalers that I rely on and pay for, and I didn’t understand how she had any place to be upset when I literally shared my inhaler when he asked.
She said that the inhaler that I shared with him wasn’t my rescue inhaler and therefore didn’t help him and she had to ‘watch him suffer’ on the way home because of it.
Asthma medicine shortage aside, I really just don’t understand how I was wrong for being concerned about my health, too.
I love her and we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just don’t see how I was wrong for giving him one inhaler over the other when he didn’t even bother to specify which one he wanted.
So… am I the jerk for not giving him my rescue inhaler?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Honestly, you need to cut this ‘friend’ out of your life, immediately.
She is more worried about her jerk partner ‘suffering’ than about your very life.
Doctors don’t issue prescriptions for rescue inhalers for funsies. They do it because you could literally die if you have a bad asthma attack.
She may have been your friend for a long time, but our actions always show our true values more than any words. Her actions scream ‘I don’t care if you could die from an asthma attack as long as my partner is OK’.
Clearly, her partner’s asthma is not serious enough for a doctor to prescribe him a rescue inhaler.
Or, he doesn’t care since he smokes which is the worst thing you can do with asthma. It’s not your job to keep her partner from ‘suffering’.
Drop the jerk friend and her equally jerk partner. He’s a jerk for smoking while he has asthma – and relying on other people to give him rescue inhalers.” bmyst70
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and the last thing you want to do is to share an inhaler with someone who smokes and doesn’t look after himself. You pay for it, it’s what saves your life and it’s possibly prescribed for you. I am not even sure if he’s allowed to use it or what reaction it might cause him.
With his poor-quality lungs, if something were to go wrong, you might be criminally charged with the event for giving him something that was supposed to be for your sole use based on dosage strength, etc. So there’s nothing you need to feel bad about and maybe it’s time to put an end to this sharing practice.
If he wants, he can pay for and bring his own or let him suffer as he doesn’t sound like the ideal candidate for a lung transplant even if one were to become available. Sometimes a bit of suffering opens their eyes and they start taking better care of themselves or at times nature takes its toll.
That’s how life is and it’s not up to you to have to make up for other people’s negligence.” SPolowiski
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You shouldn’t even be sharing them at all. Tell him to stop being irresponsible and dependent on you and get his own inhaler.
That’s a great way to spread diseases and your prescription isn’t even set up to relieve his symptoms. They are for your own.
He is NOT entitled to use your inhalers. If he needs one he needs to pony up the funds and stop being a mooch.
I’d tell her and her partner that going forward it is NOT your responsibility to supply him your own personal medical equipment and from now on you won’t be doing so at all, and he can get his own.
Call 911 if he had an attack and needs one.
Yours are NOT for public use. You literally need them and they are prescribed to you by a doc. Sharing prescriptions like that is actually illegal in most states anyway. No one is entitled to use your medical equipment op.” depressivedarling
13. AITJ For Calling My Pets My "Babies"?
“My (30f) fiance (31m) and I were fortunate enough to land well-paying remote and flexible jobs so we were able to get a bigger house.
We don’t plan on having any children and instead, give all our love to our animals. We currently have 4 cats, 2 dogs, and 3 horses and in the future, we want to be able to purchase a farm and get more animals.
I absolutely love each of them and we make sure they get all the care and love they deserve since all cats and dogs were rescued and some had issues dealing with humans.
Horses are a part of my hobby, so I also make sure they are enjoying their lives and have the ability to spend most of the time outside and not in the stables. It is also worth mentioning that one of the cats is 18 and has been with me since she was a kitten and one of the horses has been with me since he was 4 (he is now 25), so I always refer to them as my precious babies.
My sister-in-law ‘Kate’ seems to have an issue with the way we refer to our animals, especially the way I call my oldest ones. I have explained to her multiple times that considering how old they are and how long they have been with me, to me they are like my children as I have raised them, taken care of them, and looked after them when they were poor.
However, Kate still feels it is disrespectful to call them babies, as they are not kids, and because her own children are not invited to our house and can’t spend time with the animals.
It got worse this week as Kate wanted to come and stay for a few days in our house with the kids and her partner and have a ‘winter wonderland’ photo shoot with the animals, as we got a decent amount of snow over here in the past few days.
I have told her she is not allowed as her children are still very young and seem to be unable to treat the animals with the care and respect they deserve, especially since most of them are rescued. Kate didn’t like my answer and blew up calling me a jerk for comparing animals to children and making them more important and for not allowing her to visit.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Kate is absolutely being a jerk here. First of all, it is your house, not hers. Secondly, if your cats and dogs are not comfortable with most people, odds are her kids might get hurt. And guess who would be considered responsible?
Spoiler Alert: not Kate and not her kids.
Also, I’ve heard many people refer to their pets as their babies. Including me, and even including some people who have human children. Kate doesn’t like that phrasing, that’s 100% her problem.
Honestly, if I were you, I’d make it very clear Kate and her kids are NEVER welcome over at your house again.
If she can’t respect you in your own house, she doesn’t deserve to ever be invited over.” bmyst70
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She wants to come to use your animals as a prop in a photoshoot but doesn’t even respect their importance to you. She’s viewing them as some objects she can use and Lord knows she will be upset if they don’t behave a certain way in the photos or don’t like her kids – then it’s going to be on you for not training them well or whatever.
I also have horses, one of whom I’ve had since I was 9 and I am now in my late 20s, and they are my world. They’re a lifelong companion of how long they live for. She sounds like a major jerk and at the end of the day, it is your house and your animals.
Only you get a say in who comes onto your property. No one is entitled to it not even family.” pomegranateseeds37
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your animals are an important part of your life and it’s understandable that you refer to them as your precious babies.
It’s also understandable that you don’t want young children around them if they can’t treat them with the care and respect they deserve. It’s your home and your decision about who is allowed to visit and under what circumstances.
It’s important for Kate to respect your boundaries and understand that your animals are not just pets, but members of your family.
Perhaps you can suggest alternative ways for her to spend time with you and your fiance without the children, or suggest that they learn how to properly interact with animals before visiting. Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide what is best for your animals and your home.” User
12. WIBTJ If I Don't Want My Sister To Visit My Newborn Son?
“I (27F) have a younger sister (25F).
I am currently 25 weeks pregnant and expecting a little boy at the end of June. For context, my sister and I have never been close growing up and even into adulthood. I feel that growing up I was always the ‘path of least resistance’ child and therefore whenever my sister threw one of her tantrums it was always ‘Oh just let it be’ or ‘Oh she’s your sister just drop it’ because I was always the one that would back down first, and my parents knew this and took advantage of as I’ve come to learn since getting older.
My sister doesn’t talk to me unless it’s because she needs something from me. I will even message her to ask her something or make a comment on something, and she won’t even reply to me half the time. I’ve taken a big step back over the past couple of years from trying to have a relationship with her.
Now that I’m pregnant I want to tell my sister that I don’t want her at the hospital after my son is born. I would like to have my and my partner’s families come to the hospital to meet our son after he is born, but my sister hasn’t messaged me once during my entire pregnancy to see how I’m doing or make any effort to contact me.
I know when the day comes that I go into labor though she will be the first one calling me to come to the hospital and meet him because she’ll want to get pictures with him so she can post them all over social media, and I don’t want her there if she’s only going to use my son for a photo op.
I’m not saying she can’t meet him at all – but my partner and I are thinking about having the first 2 weeks after he’s born to ourselves and then begin allowing extended family to come to meet him etc.
I mentioned something to my dad about this today, and he’s already (in my mind) taking her side and telling me to ‘stop acting this way’ and to ‘not even bring it up.’ I called him out for saying that because he knows that she’ll throw a tantrum and it’ll become a big deal. I’m just tired of her getting to decide when she wants to be a part of my life or not.
I’m 27 years old now and I plan on starting to hold my ground when it comes to my boundaries and how she makes me feel. I’ve always struggled with putting up boundaries and it didn’t help growing up that my parents would take mine down to please her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you can refuse anyone you want at the hospital and it’s nobody’s business if you do. I think it’s a good idea to wait a couple of weeks before receiving company, as well. If you know your parents will side against you, don’t tell them anything anymore.
You giving birth is YOUR time and everyone else can either respect your wishes or not bother you at all. At the hospital, tell the nurses who you will and won’t allow in your room. They will take care of unwanted visitors. When you get home, put a sign on your door with your expectations in your home with your baby, as well.” CharliAP
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can tell your sister, or you can leave the names of people who can visit with the nurses and instruct the nurses to limit your visitors to ONLY those people who are on the list.
If she shows up, and maybe she won’t, the nurse can tell her that the number of people who can see the baby has been restricted, and that she is not on the list.
You can also tell the nurses you are limiting visitors because some family members adversely affect your mental health and you don’t want to get stressed and have it affect your milk supply or have the baby feel the stress and not eat. If you told your sister you can tell them that certain family members force their way and that you just don’t want any stress.
They will abide by your wishes.
This way you don’t have to tell your sister or your parents in advance. But if you decide to tell them and your parents continue advocating for your sister as your father has, tell them, ‘I have had my wants and needs pushed down by you both my entire life, made to give in to my sister always.
But never the reverse. Due to your blatant favoritism & disregard for my feelings, you have raised an entitled daughter who is accustomed to getting her way. My sister & I are not close, and I only want those I feel close to, and who’s treated me fairly and kindly to come to the hospital after the baby is born.
If you cannot accept this, you can wait to meet the baby later, when you feel ready to respect my feelings. If you persist in advocating for my sister, at the hospital, I will ask you to leave. I want no stress because it can affect milk and the baby’s eating’.
You have to take a stance for yourself. You will be a mother soon and you need to be strong and advocate for yourself so your child will learn to not let people run over them. This is not the same as raising an entitled child.” Gladtobealive2020
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Let her have her tantrum. She’s not your child to deal with. Block her if need be. You are going to be a parent now and your priority will be your child, your health, and the new family you have created with your partner.
Furthermore, even after the first two weeks are over, you should carefully consider how much you want your child exposed to your sister, considering how you described your concern about your son being a ‘photo op.’
You are familiar with and accustomed to her dismissive behavior.
But do you really want your child to feel unloved? Is it worth exposing them to her? If past behavior is any indication of future behavior then she won’t have any regard for your child’s feelings. The onus is on you as the parent to protect them.
With regard to your parents. Drop the ball when it comes to them and your sister. If they bring anything up about her and your behavior, end the conversation immediately. Hang up if on the phone. Leave the room/house if able to. Do not entertain them.
They want to placate your sister because it’s easier then that is their problem, not yours and certainly not your child’s
Congratulations and good luck. Wish you and your baby the best birth and health!” Foreverforgettable
11. AITJ For Not Including My Stepmom's Kids In My Family Memory Book?
“My mom and dad had me (17m), my sister (14f), and my brother (13m) together. Mom died 8 years ago. Dad remarried 6 years ago and it was not easy for the three of us. Dad’s wife, Rose, has a daughter who’s like 11 now. They also have a 4 and 2-year-old together.
About a week after their wedding, my siblings snuck into my room in the middle of the night, sad about Dad being married and the changes that had happened. They asked if I felt like Mom was really gone now and I said yeah. I asked them if they’d like for us to have something just for us, no new family involved, where we could remember Mom and talk about that stuff.
They said yes.
So I raised the money to buy a pretty nice scrapbook and about once a month my siblings would sneak into my room at night and we’d put photos in and write memories we had and I’d share the stories I remembered of mom since as the oldest I remembered her best and remembered the stories about her I’d heard.
We never added Rose, our stepsister, or our half-siblings when they were born. We also didn’t talk about it to Dad or anyone else. I knew he wouldn’t love that we were doing it. I kept it hidden in my room.
Three weeks ago Rose went through my stuff and found it.
She claims she was cleaning up in my room but I know she was snooping because I had it hidden in a place that she wouldn’t be cleaning. She went through it, showed my dad, and they sat my siblings and me down and told us that was a really unfair thing to have in the house and how mean it was to do something like that without all the siblings involved. My brother said it was just for the three of us as real siblings.
Dad told him that was a crappy attitude and what are our stepsister and half-siblings if not real siblings? My sister said it would always be different.
Rose said we should never have made something in the home we all shared when it excluded three of our siblings and would hurt feelings.
She said we should have done something to bring us all together. My sister said that wasn’t what she wanted. My dad sent them out of the room and he and Rose told me I never should have gone along with it and how much it hurt my stepsister when she saw the book and heard what we’d been doing.
Rose said it hurt her too. That she tried to make us all one family and we made sure never to close that divide in the last six years. Dad told me he expected better from me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It sounds like that is a vital way you all grieved your mom’s death, to re-affirm what you had with her.
You were all more than old enough that losing her left an irreplaceable hole in your life.
People all grieve in different ways. None are more right than others. And there’s no specific timeline for it.
Your stepmom was a total jerk for snooping through your stuff.
And your dad was a jerk for not understanding this is how you all grieve your mom’s death.
It sounds like your dad and stepmom just want The Happy Blended Family, no matter how you all feel about it. And they want you to ignore any feelings otherwise.
This firmly makes them jerks. I’d advise you to talk to a grief counselor about this WITH YOUR DAD AND ROSE PRESENT so they may understand your feelings are valid.” bmyst70
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Maybe they would like to help make one for the blended family if it’s such a big deal to them.
That can be kept in a public space and they can build and add as they want without taking away your special memories.
You lost your mother as did your siblings. Your dad isn’t wrong for finding love again but it doesn’t mean that all the kids have to be on the same emotional page as him.
Grieve and remember in your own ways and time. You weren’t out to hurt anyone and if someone hadn’t been going through your personal belongings, no one would have had any hurt feelings either.” snowwhitesludge
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your way of grieving and honestly, family can’t be forced upon you.
I get that stepmom wants to be as normal a family as possible with all siblings being ‘equally close’. But at the end of the day, you have a core event that connects you to your bio-full siblings in a way you could never connect with your step-sibling.
Apart from that, I feel like they should also consider the age that probably equals the bond you are sharing. My mom had a sister close to her age and another sister that is closer in age to me than to my mom. The bond they have is ENTIRELY different – they lived in the same house until Aunt was like 5?
They didn’t grow up together (like you 3 did unlike you 3 + stepsister). They didn’t share a lot of core memories & they didn’t have similar interests. And that’s fine.
Sibling bonds get to be unique and they get to be closer to people you went through a very, very emotional time with.” Plenty_Counter_5533
10. AITJ For Not Trying To Get My Sister's Phone Back From Our Dad?
“My dad grounded my sister (15) and took her phone for a few days. Anyone that knows my dad, knows that she got off REAL easy. She went on a date he didn’t want her going on and my dad gets really angry when things like this happen.
We almost had to call the cops on him. (Yes my mom plans on getting a divorce)
I (F19 almost 20) am really sensitive. Anytime someone yells at me I break out into tears. Recently I had surgery for a retinal detachment (car accident) and so my dad feels really bad for me.
When I woke up today, Mom asked me to go ask Dad for my sister’s phone as she really needs it. I said there was no point because I’m SURE he won’t give it back to her, and that she has another phone she’s already using behind dad’s back anyway (and a laptop).
Mom said we had to try anyway and that we have nothing to lose, and how Dad feels so bad for me he might soften up on my sister. I said no because I wanted nothing to do with it as my dad gets very angry at the slightest wrong move and I didn’t want him yelling at me.
I told her it was enough they didn’t even let me lie in bed right after surgery, the moment I was out they took me and left the hospital to not see Dad and it was torture to me.
Now both my mom and sister are annoyed at me, saying that I raised their hopes for nothing when I never said I was going in the first place.
But both of them have been so nice to me these past few days that I feel guilty for not trying to get my sister’s phone as it means so much to her. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but your mom is in this story.
She shouldn’t be asking you to get in the middle of a conflict between your father and sister. If she believes your sister is being punished unfairly then she needs to take it up with your dad, not you. Your sister has access to a phone currently, if mom feels your sister doesn’t like it for any reason then mom should be the one speaking up.
I don’t know why your dad didn’t want her to go on the date, but your sister went regardless and now she’s suffering the consequences of her actions. It’s not your job to fix it.” AckwardReflection
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I’m sorry that you’re going through this within your family but mom’s attempts to manipulate you over doing something based on the personal preferences of a 15-year-old who was grounded through her own actions is neither right nor fair.
Mom is going to have to learn, even if it takes therapy how to co-parent with your father without manipulating one of her kids to benefit the other. That type of behavior is just as awful as dad’s intimidation tactic with his anger, the aftermath may not be the same initially, but over time it produces the same anxiety.
And anxiety is not something that is easy to overcome when it is used to control a person’s behaviors and/or actions, it can in fact produce a lifetime of limitations.” Grannywine
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Girl, you’re being used. Your mother is hiding behind like you a shield.
She’s getting a divorce from your dad because of (implied) abuse. And she wants YOU, her daughter, to go stand up to him because he feels bad for you. Not her. The mom. The one who’s responsible for you and your sister.
What happens if he lashes out and damages the recent surgery done?
What if he yells at you?
If your dad is this unstable, you all just need to up and leave, get somewhere safe that he doesn’t know about. Either way, you’ve done nothing wrong. She had a phone and a laptop. You don’t need to throw yourself in the line of fire.” Witty-Package-8513
9. AITJ For Getting My Male Houseguest Feminine Soap?
“My husband and I have a gentleman staying with us for a few months.
He is the son of one of my husband’s good friends who lives in a different country. The son (I’ll call him Mike ) is 30 but has fallen on hard times and has no one in this area to help him so we said we’d let him stay with us while he figures out his next move.
Mike has been here two weeks and came with nothing and is not able to work because of issues I won’t go into here. We were aware of this and decided to take care of his basic needs while he stays with us.
When he first came it was sudden so I stocked the guest bath with extras from our personal supplies.
My husband and I use different soaps as I have sensitive skin and have to use soap with light perfumes and no dyes. I typically use ivory soap or white dove bar soap, my husband prefers Irish Springs which I cannot use. When Mike first came the only extra soap was Irish Springs so that is what I put in his bathroom and he had no issue with it.
Since Mike has been here I have been buying things here and there and stocking the home with things he might need. I ask him what he wants but he is not really picky so I just grab things as I do the regular shop.
A few days ago I bought myself bar soap as I was out and decided to get a large pack to split with Mike. I bought the Dove white bars. They do not have a particular scent, it’s literally just soap. Not flowery or ‘girlie’ scented in any way.
I left the soap in his bathroom and went about my day.
That night the soap I left him was stacked up on the kitchen island, so I asked if there was a problem with it. Mike laughed and said no but he’s not a woman and doesn’t use feminine products.
I told him it’s just plain old soap and I don’t think it’s gendered, it can be used by anyone. He asked if my husband used it and I said no but only because he has a strong preference for Irish Spring.
Mike said he doesn’t like to be rude but he will not use girl soap. I said fine and I’ll get him Irish Spring.
I thought it was silly but let it go and was not too worried about it, however, Mike has brought it up a few times in the last few days and seems pretty offended that I would even think he’d use girls’ soap.
He has even started saying things like ‘Just because I’m down on my luck doesn’t mean I’m less of a man’ and ‘Real men don’t do this or that.’ He genuinely seems irritated with me over it, as if I was questioning his manhood because I gave him ‘feminine’ soap.
I asked my husband what he thinks and he thinks Mike is being ridiculous, but my husband always takes my side. So do you guys think I’m the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
His attitude comes from insecurities. He’s 30 years old and basically a ‘loser’ and deep down he knows it because everyone else at that age has accomplished something or is at least working.
Some people have bad luck, it sucks, and sometimes it’s not their fault. But just because you’re down in your luck doesn’t mean you get to use your insecurity as an excuse to be ungrateful.
With insecurity, there will always be something to complain about.
Let’s say he goes to a formal event wearing a suit and you compliment him by saying ‘Wow, you look handsome in a suit!’ and he can say ‘Are you saying all the other times I look ugly and a bum?!’
You’re under no obligation to help him, but you are.
If you really want to help him, he needs to be educated mentally, which includes mannerisms. Don’t let him take advantage of you, people like him can smell ‘weakness’ and will trample/walk all over you when they can. Be firm in teaching him that you’re the host and he’s a guest, you’re doing things out of your goodwill to help him even though you don’t have to, tell him you didn’t mean to offend him but he shouldn’t be offended, and you’ll no longer tolerate his behavior if he mentions this thing that’s not even a situation again.
I’m afraid you’ll have to be his mom and teach him the ways of being a proper person. Be firm, but nice. You got this!” laz1b01
Another User Comments:
“This guy doesn’t seem very stable. You said he’s the son of one of your husband’s close friends, did you know Mike at all before he came to live with you?
Does he seem active in his pursuit to acquire a place of his own? He can’t work because of ‘reasons’ has me curious too. All of this is to say that he’s obviously stewing on something that wouldn’t even be considered by your average person.
It’s gone from him having his ego hurt by a bar of soap to you ‘accusing’ him of being less than a man in his mind.
NTJ, I may be reading this whole thing wrong as he may just be trying to form a friendly bond, and the only thing he has, for now, is ‘the soap incident’.
I guess it just depends on the inflection of his voice when he said the things he did but the fact that he legitimately didn’t use the soap makes me believe my first reaction.” PhilipKendrikRichard
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… tell Mike maybe he should not continue to make snide remarks or continue to take advantage of the hospitality of someone else taking care of and supporting him.
He told you how he felt, and you listened and actually bought him what he requested. You went above and beyond and you are tired of being disrespected in your own home. If he does it again, you are sure he knows where the door is.
Actually, your husband should be saying all this. Honestly, without knowing all the details of the situation, I might reply, ‘Real grown-up adult men don’t rely on the complete support of others either, but if they do, they surely don’t keep disrespecting those that are going way above and beyond of taking care of them.'” Worth-Season3645
8. AITJ For Telling My Mom She Shouldn't Come To My Wedding If She Keeps Being Dramatic?
“Fiancé and I are getting married this year and my mom, since I’d clarified to her that her partner’s daughter can’t come, (she’s known since last summer that this was planned to be a very small wedding with immediate family only – siblings, parents, and grandparents) has been acting like a basket case.
Her partner is claiming that if his daughter can’t come, then he won’t go to the wedding. So my mom has been telling me several times how stressed she is by this and keeps requesting that we reconsider and allow her partner’s daughter to attend, to which I keep telling her ‘no’.
I finally blew up and told her ‘That’s it, I’m done.’ I ranted that her partner has no right to even attend this wedding anyway given how he’s spewed lies about my fiancé ‘being controlling’, which is rich because he himself is a controlling narcissist when it comes to my mom.
Further, he makes my fiancé and me uncomfortable whenever we have to be around him.
She has now been consistently bringing drama to my phone line for the past week, claiming that if her partner isn’t going to be there, then she won’t stick around at the wedding very long either to celebrate.
And then she also threw it in my face that my maternal grandpa likely won’t attend either since he ‘doesn’t have a ride’ and ‘can’t drive himself’ and that ‘if my maternal aunt were invited, she would’ve driven him to the wedding.’ My mom was pretty upset when she was told last year that we were having a micro wedding.
I told her if she was going to keep being dramatic about this, then maybe she ‘shouldn’t come to the wedding either, as much as that would hurt me’. I also told her ‘You realize your partner has stepkids and more than just his single biological daughter, right?
If this is how he treats his stepkids, then I want no part of him in my life. I’m done with him being whiny and always stirring the pot. I don’t want him in my life anymore. He can never just leave things alone. He always needs things done HIS way, and it’s upsetting how you always put him and his feelings above your kids, just like you’re doing now.
You’d rather put your kids in stressful situations to appease your and your partner’s comfort. He’s done things to me in the past that he’s STILL never apologized for or even acknowledged, and by now, it’s too late. He’s ruined my 20s. My only hope is that my 30s will be off-limits from him.
Not to mention, since you’ve been going out with him, you’ve turned into someone I do not recognize. You’ve changed your appearance and personality completely and you cry in public and cause scenes for your kids all the time when you NEVER used to do that.
I’m done with all of this. Please stop. And go to therapy. I love you, but you make life so hard for me lately. I miss my mom, and I miss being happy. Please just let me be happy. I can’t deal with the drama anymore.’
She now hasn’t talked to me for several days. AITJ?
For what it’s worth, we’re paying for this wedding by ourselves with no assistance.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but as someone who was victim to a narcissist stepfather destroying my family, please know that your mother is acting in a way that is ‘normal’ for victims of narcissistic abuse and that it is unlikely that she can see what she is doing to you, let alone see a way to get rid of this toxic man or change.
They don’t realize how selfish they are being, because their lives are so consumed by someone whose selfishness knows no limits.
It took my mom nearly 7 years to regain her sanity and stop causing drama in my life after the divorce. In my entire 20s, I didn’t have a mom because she was crazy from the gaslighting and mistreatment from my stepfather that she just passed it on to us too.
Narc victims are also abusive to their own kids because you become a dangerous variable that could set off the narc so they have to control you and force you to comply too.
You cannot give in to his narcissistic demands as it will make it worse long term, she cannot attend your wedding without him/his daughter because he will make her life miserable for not giving him his own way.
When dealing with a narc no one wins, the only way to win is to get away from him. Your mom has to choose to either not go to your wedding, go and then receive abuse for it, or leave the narc (which is near impossible to do by design).
I agree that she needs therapy, but getting it while being with a narc won’t work. The only outcome where you and your mom are happy and healthy is for her to leave him. It’s painful to have to let go of milestones you should have shared with her, but couldn’t because she was too absorbed in the narcissistic abuse cycle, but the more you allow it to continue the more it will.
You’re doing the right thing no matter how hard and painful it is.” Mikacakes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
‘And then she also threw it in my face that my maternal grandpa likely won’t attend either since he ‘doesn’t have a ride’ and ‘can’t drive himself’ and that ‘if my maternal aunt were invited, she would’ve driven him to the wedding’.’
You know she does bring up a valid point in her attempt to manipulate you. Since mom’s partner isn’t going you can now invite the maternal aunt so she can bring maternal grandpa. See how wonderful it is when the trash takes itself out?
Now your mom can come or not and it won’t affect anyone else.” Suelswalker
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is about so much more than your wedding. It sounds like this was the last straw and so you broke down. It is up to you who you invite to your wedding, especially when you are paying for it.
Your mother’s partner has been an odious character in your life and he does not get to decide who attends your wedding. Your mother’s attempts at manipulating you needed to be shut down, especially when she brought up your grandfather. Whatever happens, try to make sure that you get him help to attend.
It sounds a lot like your mother is being mistreated because she’s changed so much, and in my opinion, that is the main reason why a woman changes everything about herself. Fear of retribution, even if the retribution is simply abandonment by the abuser.
However, that doesn’t give her the right to pressurize you about your wedding. Staying with an abuser is still a choice, and she has made her choice. It’s a pity if she doesn’t come, but it also means that you won’t have to worry about her partner’s behavior on what should be a happy day.
Enjoy your day with people who can put you first for a few hours.” Consistent_Charity49
7. AITJ For Refusing To Go To My Dad's House?
“My (17) dad (38m) is now engaged to his fiancée (33f).
She has a daughter (10f) and I have had on-and-off issues with them since they moved in with us. I’ve tried time and time again to make amends and move forward but every time there’s a change, a week or so later the problem starts back up again.
The biggest issue I’ve had is being pushed aside for the daughter, there have been times when they would not feed me because she wasn’t hungry. The daughter has become entitled because of it and has started using it to her advantage.
To pull myself out of the situation I went to my dad and told him that I would no longer be going over to his house unless I would be able to spend time with just him because of the issues I’ve had with his fiancée and her daughter.
He then proceeded to tell me that the world does not revolve around me and that I will have to deal with it, not be a jerk, and be a part of the family. I then left and went home to my mother’s (39f) house and have been in low contact since.
My mom agrees with me but other family members agree with my father.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s understandable that you don’t want to be in a situation where you feel neglected and treated unfairly. Your dad’s response to your concerns was dismissive and unsympathetic, and it’s not fair for him to expect you to just ‘deal with it’ when you’ve tried to address the issue multiple times.
It’s good that you’ve communicated your boundaries and are taking care of yourself by removing yourself from a situation that is causing you stress and discomfort. It’s important for family to be supportive of each other, but that doesn’t mean that you have to tolerate mistreatment or neglect.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have seen this exact situation before in which the child (you) was forced to accept the dad’s new wife and children, told to treat those children as your siblings, only for then a few years later to have the dad split up with the new wife and so the child (you) then having to basically forget those people ever existed!
Asking your dad to have one on one time with him was perfectly reasonable and also very mature of you, to have him then dismiss and reject your request was unfair and unwarranted, I am sorry too as I can imagine the courage that would have taken, but you should be very proud of yourself for giving him that option before going low contact.
Your dad needs to remember that you will be his family forever, that will NEVER change, however, his new wife and her daughter may not.” Jammin4B
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your father’s main concern is keeping this woman happy because he wants what that relationship offers him.
He isn’t willing to negotiate with this woman to ensure you are treated fairly because that isn’t a priority for him. When you say something that she doesn’t agree with that creates drama in his life, the fastest way for him to deal with what you say is to tell you that you are the problem.
You took the best course of action for you. If you were hungry, you couldn’t make a sandwich? Bowl of cereal? Meal for yourself? Or were you prevented from accessing food in the kitchen?” Fancy_Avocado7497
6. AITJ For Being Mad At My Significant Other For Not Being Supportive Of My Weight Loss?
“I (19m) have been with my SO (20f) for around 3 years now. When we met I was overweight, not morbidly obese, but I was above what would be considered healthy for a person of my age and build. My SO is also a little overweight but never have I ever looked at her and not thought she was beautiful.
A year and a half ago I decided I wanted to get in shape per se. I told her and she was extremely supportive. I’ve changed my diet and worked out routinely and I’ve managed to lose a good amount of weight. It has made me a lot happier to look in the mirror and not be uncomfortable with my body.
One of my old friends was in town visiting his family a few days ago and we planned to meet for a lunch together. It was amazing to see him again, but when he saw me he looked me up and down and said ‘Well well, when did you get skinny?’ Those words made me so unbelievably happy and extremely proud that all my hard work is paying off.
After lunch, I went to my SO’s house and told her about my friend calling me skinny. I expected her to be excited with me as she knows how much happier I’ve been and she knows I’m finally comfortable with my body. Instead, she went crazy.
She went on a rant about how she is tired of me talking to her about these things. Her words hurt me so much. I lost my cool and screamed back that at least I’m trying to be healthy. She yelled at me to leave which I did without complaint.
I regret saying what I said but I wish she could be more supportive. I love her so much but she has made me feel as if she doesn’t care about me. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You have worked very hard to get to where you are at.
You have every right, no, obligation to celebrate that. It is not easy, but you did it.
You are not a jerk for reacting. You are human. However, your change in appearance MAY be making your SO feel insecure.
Perhaps you and she should have a conversation about what deeper issue may be causing her not to be happy for you.
Maybe she needs reassurance that you love her no matter what.
Congrats on your awesome feat. Keep up the great work and good luck to you both.” SinCityLola
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The rant was more reflective of how she feels about herself rather than anything to do with you, in my opinion.
She seems to be deflecting her insecurities onto you which is not okay. You should feel proud and happy with your body and be allowed to talk about it if you want. If this does make her upset, she should be able to tell you calmly how and why it does.
Exploding on you shows it’s something deeper.
What you said could be seen as mean but it wasn’t wrong at all. I’m sorry but you probably won’t get the support you’re looking for because she does not seem happy for you.
I suggest sitting down and talking through exactly why she doesn’t want to talk about it and how she made you feel. Good luck!” Aylthrowaway
But just so you know, the reason she reacted the way she did is because she now feels like you're probably going to leave her for someone else. Someone thinner. And she feels like now she's not good enough for you. She's afraid and insecure. I'm not excusing her behavior, I'm just trying to help you understand why she's behaving the way she is.
5. AITJ For Not Standing Up For My Daughter?
“My daughter Carmen (17f) has always had a big fascination with looking pretty. She works out regularly, she usually has the latest makeup palette, and she cycles through clothes very often. In no way is she spoiled, she works hard for her money and we only treat her from time to time to things she wants.
I (45m) on the other hand, am very ugly. I’m going to be honest, I’m not a looker, my daughter has told me dozens of times that if it weren’t for my killer personality, I would have never landed such a hotty for a wife (her mom).
I don’t want to feel too down on myself, but I’m very large, missing more teeth than what I got and I’m sure you could knit a quilt for a family of 6 with my arm and back hair, but please give it to me because I don’t have any hair on my head.
It traveled to my buttcrack.
My daughter and I have a strong relationship, she’s not embarrassed to be seen with me, but I think that’s because I’m a pushover and will buy her anything she wants, but I don’t mind, I love the company and I know she enjoys it too.
I take her shopping often, we go to the shooting range whenever we can. She’s a really good kid, with good grades, tutors the younger kids at her school, and does varsity cheer and softball. In my wife’s words, she’s perfect.
To the nitty gritty, she and I went to get dairy queen yesterday and we ran into a few of her friends.
They’re nice, I’ve driven them to softball and cheer before, but they were with a few other girls who I’ve never met before. Going on, she’s eating with her friends and I overhear them talking about going to the gym and working on their summer bodies and they want to be the hot seniors.
They swear up and down these will be their last blizzards. I decide to butt in and tell them something like ‘It doesn’t matter how hard you work out, you will never look as good as me!’ being a cheeky jerk, and threw in a little dance.
Carmen laughed and some of her blizzard came out of her nose and the girls I never met before made some snide comments that she was on her way to looking like me. Just a note, Carmen was the only one eating a blizzard still, she’s a slow eater like her mom.
One of the other girls laughed and told her she had some on her double chin. I tried to shimmy in and stop the conversation, but one of Carmen’s friends stepped in first and told them to leave.
I ended up driving the other girls home because it turns out those two drove them there.
After we dropped off the last girl, Carmen told me she hates herself and that she has for a while. It hurt so bad, I told her she’s beautiful the way she is and she said ‘If that’s true, why didn’t you say anything back there?
Why didn’t you stop them?’ Although I can joke around, I find it hard to confront people, especially young girls because I don’t want to be accused of anything. My wife says she understands, but am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you’re the opposite and your daughter probably wasn’t actually upset with you. She probably would have lashed either way because it’s a tough time to feel secure and you’re such a good dad that she felt safe lashing out at you. She’ll probably apologize because your stepping in wouldn’t have been as powerful as how her friends stepped in.
The situation was resolved beautifully.
For your information, your description of yourself sounds like my husband, I’m also a ‘looker’ and am very attracted to my husband. It’s not just personality, it’s character and feeling safe with my lumberjack bear man. LOL. Also, big strong men are a type plenty of women are into.” linzava
Another User Comments:
“I understand your hesitation to say something especially if you’re a little confrontation averse and a people pleaser. You sound like a nice person and I can see you love your daughter a lot so I wouldn’t call you a jerk. Yes, you should’ve said something to put that girl in her place, that’s not ok behavior and you are the adult here.
I think it’s a mistake to learn from and I would suggest apologizing to your daughter.
Her feelings are valid, she just wanted to feel like her dad was on her side and it wasn’t just her vs the bullies. Tell her you understand and you’re sorry for not saying anything, and that next time you’ll be more ready.
You didn’t do it on purpose though so I’ll say NTJ, just a mistake.” Salty_Bench8448
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your daughter is almost an adult. She has to learn to defend herself. Also, her friend had it. Enough said. Tell your daughter as a grown male adult, unless it got physical it’s probably best you didn’t confront them, because in today’s society that could have gotten you in a lot of trouble, and let’s face it.
Some females love to lie.
On a side note… Why put yourself down? If you feel you’re ugly, I’d suggest counseling for more self-esteem, then doing something about it. Get dentures. Wax the back hair. Work out. Grow a goatee, or shave it off if you have one.
You’re only ‘ugly’ if you don’t respect yourself.” Aquarius052
4. AITJ For Pointing Out That The House Is Too Dirty?
“I (22F) am visiting my parents for the weekend. I’m a college student and I live with my roommate. We are clean in the sense that the dishes are never piled high, and there’s NEVER food left out, but we are not A type insanely clean.
The stove gets a little dirty sometimes and the wood floor isn’t always spotless, and my bathroom is not scrubbed down sparkly clean, but we are clean. Living in this environment with my roommate has made me realize how dirty my parents’ home is.
There are crumbs all over the counters, food left out not covered from the night before, dishes up to the top of the sink, dirty floors, the bathroom is covered with grime, and there’s gunk (seriously, I don’t even know) around the appliances, etc. I’m anxious about being here.
This makes me so sad because I love being here and my parents do everything for me I don’t want to criticize them. But out of frustration this morning I told my mom ‘Things need to change. This kitchen is too dirty.’ The kitchen is without a doubt the worst part.
She said ‘This is just how we live. That’s a really rude thing to say. How would you feel if someone came into your house and said that?’ And I said, ‘I’d feel like I need to start keeping things cleaner’. My mom is very quick to anger so I calmly kept it at that, but in reality, I’d be mortified.
Anyways, since this conversation my mom has been cleaning the kitchen loudly and angrily, telling my dad I called them pigs and how rude my comment was. There are so many other things I wanna say too. We’ve had a great Dane for 6 years and she has never had a bath.
She STINKS. She’s a very happy dog but she’s very snappy due to past trauma. But we had a dog before and we never gave her baths either. Likewise, I dropped a cannoli on the dirty kitchen floor last night and my mom blew on it and said: ‘I’ll give it to your dad or brother.
It’s fine. 5-second rule’. I was disgusted because THE KITCHEN FLOOR IS FILTHY with dog hair, crumbs, and all sorts of unknown filth. I threw it away obviously! Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… When you lived with someone else, you got an insight into how others live.
There are all kinds of families with all kinds of cleanliness/hygiene practices. Now that you know better, why not bathe the dog yourself, and do things that you can? I think you could start doing things yourself around the house when you visit, and then explain to your mom that being in other spaces made you realize how it affected you mentally/emotionally.
If your mom is open to it, please do share studies/data with her about how our spaces affect us. It is possible that she could be more open to your perspective once you share facts.” Experiments-Lady
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’re not the jerk for being upset that the home you love is filthy.
I can tell you love your parents. I grew up in a very, very dirty house, too. I also didn’t realize how bad it was until I moved out and kept my own living space clean. Going home still makes me upset because I can’t relax in that environment and it makes me very upset/sad that my mom lives like that.
I have literally cried that she is willing to live in such an unclean place because I know her depression is the problem, but she refuses to get help of any kind. I understand why you said what you said. It wasn’t an over-the-top comment, although I’m assuming your tone was frustrated, but not overly disgusted.
However, it’s probably time to recognize that there’s a reason your family is living that way. Maybe there is no work/life balance, maybe mom or dad is depressed and unable to bring themselves to clean, or maybe all cleaning responsibilities have shifted onto one party who is overwhelmed. I suspect they are not jerks, but people who probably need to get some help (especially if depression is the culprit) so they can manage their home better.” ingenue_us
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think if the way they are living isn’t directly harmful and they don’t mind it, that’s one thing, but I see the concerns you’re raising as pretty valid. It’s possible that some of those gunks can cause issues, in the long run, they don’t even know about the same with the uncovered food and the 5-second rule.
In the long run, you aren’t just complaining about aesthetics but potential health concerns. And maybe if they won’t change and they like their space as is, you can take a break from seeing them or say that your enjoyment of seeing them is greater than how much the cleanliness bothers you.” Bamres
3. AITJ For Refusing To Go To The Birthday Dinner My Husband's Family Planned?
“My (25f) husband V (36) and I have been married for 5 years. It was arranged by my grandfather and his uncle, we are not American so it’s common here. V wasn’t too thrilled about the marriage and he made it very clear because he was already in a relationship with F (30sF).
Long story short, V, his family and F did the most to make my life miserable and I was stuck on the idea that one day he might change.
About 3 years ago I found out I was pregnant and I was excited but he wasn’t given we only slept together a handful of times before that.
He got it into his head that it wasn’t his, the baby had complications and I had to terminate my pregnancy. Not once did he or his family come to the hospital and I guess that opened my eyes and I just stopped caring. I stopped trying.
Early last year, he suddenly started caring, coming home early, calling me, and bringing me flowers, it was quite uncomfortable for me. Then he tells me that he’s had a change of heart and wants to try to better our marriage because he’s developed feelings for me?
It’s all fishy to me honestly, I wouldn’t trust this man as far as I can throw him. He’s been doing these little things and I just can’t shake that there’s a joke coming at my expense.
Now onto the story, it was my birthday last weekend and V told me his family was hosting me a birthday dinner, I told him I wasn’t comfortable with that and the last time I was at his parents’ they literally told me my baby’s complications were my fault and kicked me out cause F was uncomfortable not to mention that they haven’t apologized, just started acting friendly.
I kept telling him no and he kept insisting, he let it go and I assumed that was that. I made plans and went out with my mom and cousins and he starts calling me asking me where I am, I tell him and he tells me that he’s waiting for me uhh what?
Long story short, his family is mad that I skipped because they apparently wanted to apologize so that we could move forward and V keeps saying he understands why I did it but has been apologizing for everything and nothing. Last night F called to cuss me out because they’ve left her high and dry and V wants nothing to do with her so maybe they did want to apologize.
I thought I was in the right but now even my cousins are telling me I was wrong for skipping, and now am doubting myself. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
American here, so I don’t completely understand the culture of arranged marriages. I’m making some assumptions that both families are wealthy and there are some business or social ties that resulted in this marriage.
He had a significant other and the family not only seemed to embrace her but he continued to have a relationship with her. Why in the world did the marriage even happen? It sounds like they might have been in some sort of situation that necessitated an ally in a ‘good’ family so they agreed to the union in convenience but never in spirit.
They not only did not treat you like his wife, but they also shamed and abused you to the point that you just didn’t care any longer. I’m very surprised you didn’t seek to end this farce unless there was an advantage to your family that they fulfilled.
It sounds like something happened to cause them to think the marriage, thus the alliance, would end. Suddenly, they know they can’t risk losing that alliance so they tell F to go away and are trying to make nice with you. I don’t know why F thinks calling you and cussing you out is going to do anything.
You were this man’s wife and he essentially was using her as a concubine. You didn’t leave her high and dry and had nothing to do with her relationship with him. He was married! You have no responsibility for his mistress. Why is she mad at you?
For being his wife?
You told him you had plans and were not going to his party. Why would you want to spend time with his family given the way they treated you? Did he say his family had a change of heart? Did he say beforehand they were going to apologize and try to make amends?
One night of ‘we’re sorry for being so hateful’ is not going to suddenly make up for years of horrible abuse.
I don’t know why your family is suddenly siding with this family. There must be some pretty involved politics in this relationship for you to 1) agree to marry someone and accept this type of abuse, and 2) not leave him after being treated so shabbily, especially after suffering the loss of a child.
Why would you even stay being as miserable as you are?
If it was me, again not understanding your culture or reasons for staying in this horrible situation, I would have gotten a divorce and gone out to find someone who makes me happy.” Hydrogeology
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m not gonna judge you for a lifestyle that is clearly widespread in your place of living and was forced onto you. You can take control of this situation though. Explain that you need to see that he truly had a change of heart.
And that this is not done through flowers and chocolate but through talking and seeing that he cares. And that you need to keep away from his family for now.
Also, no more meeting with F. You are stuck with this man (probably) so make sure that you are treated right by him.
If he agrees and is willing to take things slow, maybe he is genuine and you should try to meet him halfway and see if you can maybe like him. It’s not like he is going anywhere. If it is a joke at your expense, soak his undergarments in chili water.” samanthacarter4
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, with the caveat that I am taken the arranged marriage aspect of your culture as a given without passing judgment and that I am focused on the present-day situation. You are a victim of a poorly planned arranged marriage.
The same is true for V, whose family showed no respect for his prior relationship with F. It is not clear to me how much say V’s parents had in this either if it was arranged by his uncle. Everyone was faced with a lousy situation, and people handled it poorly.
That said, it sounds like V and his family are sincerely trying to make amends, even if they’ve made missteps in the process. At the same time, your hurt and wariness is understandable given the history.” morgaine125
2. AITJ For Wearing My Company Shirt To A Birthday Celebration?
“My (19m) stepsister turned 21 on Wednesday, but we’re celebrating her birthday today (on Saturday). It’s not really a party, just the family going out for dinner at a restaurant.
The company I work for recently rebranded, and I just got a company t-shirt yesterday. It’s just a blank T-shirt with the company name and logo on the top left. When I got the shirt, I folded it and put it on my dresser, and went about my day like normal.
Today, I did some chores and basically kept myself busy until it was time to go. When it was time to get dressed, I walked into my room and saw the folded shirt on my dresser. I put it on, made myself look presentable, and then left to go to the restaurant.
During dinner, my dad noticed my shirt and asked about it. That sparked a 10-minute conversation between my dad, my grandparents, and me about my company.
After dinner, in the parking lot, my stepbrother (20m) pulled me aside and told me that it was rude to wear my company shirt because I was flaunting my company and trying to make my stepsister’s day about me.
I tried to tell him that I wasn’t trying to flaunt my company or make anything about me, but he wasn’t listening. The only reason I wore this shirt is that I saw it first, so I put it on. And, aside from the conversation with my dad and grandparents, nothing else was said about me or my company.
The rest of the people there heard, and now everyone’s arguing. My dad, grandparents, and stepsister believe me when I say I wasn’t trying to make anything about me, but my stepmom and younger stepsister are with my stepbrother and think I was trying to make her day all about me.
I need an outside opinion. AITJ for wearing my company T-shirt to my stepsister’s birthday dinner?”
Another User Comments:
“So to sum up, your adult sister had a birthday, your family had a get-together at a restaurant in celebration, and your shirt sparked a 10-minute conversation between only 4 of the group.
Your stepbrother, who doesn’t join the conversation, takes offense at getting excluded and uses the excuse that it’s your stepsister’s birthday to voice his displeasure.
It’s a dead giveaway that this is not about hijacking your stepsister’s birthday dinner when the birthday gal herself is not concerned. Unless you 4 deliberately shut everyone else out, and it doesn’t sound like you did, you are not the ones to blame if other people didn’t join.
And didn’t they have news to catch up on among themselves?
Just NTJ. Everyone else felt excluded, whether rightly or wrongly. It might help to smooth things over to apologize for accidentally excluding them, but that might just be my allergy to conflict speaking.” PurpleFanCdn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… Maybe a bit tasteless, especially since you are going out for someone’s birthday dinner. Proper etiquette is you dress in some nice clothes for dinner parties at restaurants. Generally, work uniforms are not appropriate and show a lack of consideration for the person being honored and hosts.
I wouldn’t go as far as calling you a jerk for lack of proper etiquette since most people there didn’t have an issue with it. Just next time, put some thought into your clothes and have a nice outfit that is not work-related, cleaned, and set out for future dinner parties.
I am not referring to dressing up to the black tie level. Decent pants and a nice shirt with no advertising go a long way for most restaurants.
A male friend of mine and I regularly go to a movie theater and the local truck stop restaurant just for fun.
He puts on a button-up dress shirt and slacks and I wear either a nice dress or a blouse with slacks. Yes, everyday work clothes would be appropriate, but dressing up a bit shows respect for the occasion.” ThisPersonality2062
1. AITJ For Telling My Coworker That She Should Learn How To Support Herself?
“So my coworker (26f) lost her adoptive dad six years ago and lives with her adoptive mom.
Let’s call my coworker Pam (not her real name) Pam has been working with me for a few months now and it’s really clear that she doesn’t know how to think on her own. Her mom still packs her lunch and she drives her to work when it rains.
Now Pam does not have any sort of disability or delays. She is very much able to do everything on her own but has been coddled her whole life. Now her mother has gotten a job offer in another country. Pam has made it clear she doesn’t want to move and will be staying here if one of her older siblings adopts her.
She had 3 older siblings (45,42,37). Pam is the youngest and was adopted from another country at the age of 3.
I told her that it was so sweet that she will be living with a sibling, but I asked her what she meant by adopting her since she is 26 and the legal age is 21.
She says that she needs to be adopted to stay because who’s going to take care of her since her mom is leaving? I asked her to explain… this woman doesn’t pay any bills. She has no idea how to cook for herself or live on her own.
I asked her if there was a reason why she can’t live on her own. She told me that it was too hard and it’s better if someone just takes responsibility for her. I told her that the only way they can ‘adopt her’ is if she releases her rights to her siblings and the court would have to determine if she is incapable to be on her own.
She told me ‘That’s fine I don’t want to be responsible to be on my own.’
I asked why she has a job then, and she basically told me she works to fund her shopping lifestyle. She has the latest phone, gets the newest purses, always comes to work with a $7 coffee, and has really nice clothes.
I asked why she doesn’t just budget her money better so she can live on her own. She looked at me like I was crazy… I flat-out told her that her siblings would not be smart for adopting her because there’s no reason to be adopted. This made her mad and she reported me to HR.
I now have to write an apology memo and submit it to her by Tuesday. Now I’m thinking I should have stayed out of it, but this girl has no idea how the world works. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Pam started this conversation.
She brought you into it. If she didn’t want to have a personal conversation, she shouldn’t have started one. It blows my mind when people dump their personal stuff into public and then get mad when people react to it! It’s the classic ‘Do these pants make my butt look big?’ Don’t ask and don’t tell info you don’t want people to answer or react to, otherwise, you get what you get.
Not only that but she went to HR to complain about this? And how come you have to write an apology memo!? Unbelievable!
This reminds me of someone who got into trouble with HR at his work for harassment. A woman he worked with would come to work, and relay in detail her inappropriate escapades with her partner… with pictures to whoever would listen (turns out it was just men she was interested in sleeping with).
Then got mad when one of these men declined her invitation and reported him to HR. And of course, HR went after the man. There was a lawsuit and the man won.
Depending on how much you want to risk here, I would NOT write any memo and would make HR explain how her sharing personal information in a professional environment was better/different than you sharing a personal opinion in a conversation with her.” innessa5
Another User Comments:
“A soft YTJ. You were just trying to help, but you don’t actually know if she has an impairment. Maybe she is just really irresponsible, but maybe she has a disability that she doesn’t have to share with you.
It would have been fine to just say that adoption isn’t necessary for siblings to live together, but I don’t think you totally understand what you’re describing.
An adult doesn’t need to be declared gravely disabled to be adopted. Usually, adult adoption is either a symbolic act or used as a way to guarantee an inheritance. You described a conservatorship. That may be what she meant, and she just didn’t know the word for it.” gcitt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She can’t take care of herself but she can tattle to HR. It sounds like she has no concept of conflict resolution either along with few life skills
I’m surprised HR sided with her. Too bad no one will tell her until it’s too late that she’s on her own and can’t cope.
I hope the siblings don’t enable her. It sounds like her mom finally is escaping.
You’re right that is generally a bad idea to give coworkers any personal advice. I avoid talking to anyone about anything but work for this reason because if they take it wrong suddenly you’re the problem.” Successful_Moment_91
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
I don’t know why you got into this to begin with, someone else’s personal life and finances shouldn’t be any of your concern. Either way though, just because you personally do not see anything on the surface, that does not at all mean there isn’t something beneath.
There are so many hidden disabilities, and being someone who has hidden disabilities, most untrained people could also look at me and say there is nothing wrong.
Especially if she’s told you that it’s ‘too hard’ for her to live by herself, that should be a massive hint to you that something isn’t quite right as most fit adults are fine living by themselves.” Zaerph
