People Want Their "Am I The Jerk?" Situations All Figured Out
22. AITJ For Planning A Vacation With My Mom And Not Including My Sister?
“I (f30) was diagnosed with OCD and anxiety when I was 9. I have been on financial aid since 18 and a psychiatrist recently told me my condition is stationary and I won’t get better. This has led to me filing for a pension which I was granted, but it has been a long rough struggle.
My mom has been amazing during this time and helped me so much. It’s honestly her fault that this has happened and I am super grateful.
4 years ago I lost my dad and took a hard hit mentally. My sister and I inherited a sizable amount of money from him.
I lived off of the inheritance for 3 years and got my own apartment and furniture. (moved out from my mom’s at age 27). After that, we invited our mom on vacation and each paid half of her trip because she is an amazing mom. We went to an adult hotel, but the room only had 1 double bed and 1 extra bed, and the extra bed was extremely uncomfortable to lie on.
My mom has back problems so I refused to let her sleep on it. My sister immediately said she refused to sleep on it too as she had paid a large sum of money for the trip. (we both paid equal amounts). I said I didn’t mind and would sleep on the bed, but was disappointed that she didn’t regard our mom’s back problems.
Fast forward to today: Because of all the hard work and stress, my mom and I decided we needed to unwind and de-stress…preferably soon, and saw we could get a sweet deal on a hotel in September. I said I would pay half of her trip for all the help she has given me.
As soon as my sis heard of our plan to go, she said she wanted to go too. My mom and I don’t mind this at all, but we agreed we don’t want troubles over beds this time, and all should sleep comfortably.
The problem is that finding a hotel with 3 good beds is hard.
I found one hotel with 8 rooms that has 2 double beds, but we would have to pay extra for the sleep spot we don’t use, and they don’t have any rooms available in September. We would have to wait till April/May of next year, and my mom and I feel we kinda need the vacation now.
Also, my sis has been invited to a vacation with her partner’s family in the fall, but they haven’t booked the vacation yet (they are waiting on an inheritance) so we don’t know when this vacation will happen.
Would my mom and I be jerks for taking a trip alone in September without my sis?
We would suggest a vacation with her in maybe 2 years when I can save up for it.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, a potential solution would be to book the room with your mom and if your sister really wants to go she can get a cot or get her own room.
It would be fine as long as she has the option to go but you don’t have to plan it around her.” SmilePile101
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but what’s the deal with 2 double beds not being suitable for three adults (especially when they’re all related AND the same sex)?” MoshpitWallflower
21. AITJ For Refusing To Eat After My Mom's Comment?
“My family and I are on vacation visiting some family (Aunt, Uncle, Cousin). They are used to eating breakfast, lunch, dinner, and sometimes an extra meal. I eat very little but eat whenever they eat.
Last night we were watching TV when my uncle and cousin arrived with food and we were told to go eat. I was getting up to eat when my mom said “why are you going to eat? At home you eat once and never eat again” (context: whenever I’m home I get there late so I don’t have time to eat.
I eat then do some work and go to sleep). I responded with “fine then I won’t go eat” and when I was offered food I said, “no thank you I’m not hungry.”
My mom then told everyone that I didn’t eat because of what she had said and everyone laughed at me.
I continued watching TV when my mom sat down beside me and told me “go eat, stop putting on a show making yourself the victim, and being dramatic.” I still refused to eat.
Later on at night, she said that I was being a jerk for making her look bad in front of my family and refusing to eat.
I didn’t think I was being the jerk but now I’m not sure.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It is never okay for someone to pick on you about your eating habits. What some people here are calling “jokes” is the same type of thing that makes teen girls anorexic.
It’s never appropriate and never funny. In fact, it resulted directly in OP feeling like she couldn’t eat. The general rule is if the target of the “joke” doesn’t laugh it wasn’t really a joke. If it had been me, I would have shot back with “If you were a better cook maybe I’d eat more at home.” which really would have upset her mother.
Because her mother wasn’t joking and therefore wouldn’t take being picked on as funny either. This was a bullying comment to get a chuckle out of the adults at the expense of OP.” VixenNoire
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She should have recognized you didn’t like that jab she threw and apologized instead of getting everyone’s attention on her and making a fool of herself.
Then she complains at you? When she threw such a toxic comment? No. She’s in the wrong and doesn’t want to admit it.” Notgeof
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. Even if you’re not hungry, you’re a guest in one of your family member’s houses.
If they cook dinner for you, you should try. Not forcing yourself to eat the whole thing but at least sitting with them at the table and not staying on the couch watching TV. Your mother probably meant what she said as a joke with no intention of hurting you, it was maybe slightly insensitive but I think you overreacted.” Next_Complaint_6154
20. AITJ For Marrying A White Guy Against My Parents' Wishes?
“I grew up in a very strict Chinese family, and my parents always put a lot of pressure on me to do well in school and get into a good college. I was always a good student, and I worked hard to get into a top college.
After I got into college, I started seeing a white guy and my parents were not happy about it. They told me that I was betraying my culture and that I was going to end up getting pregnant and marrying him. They said that I would never amount to anything if I married him.
I told them that I loved him and that I was going to marry him someday, but they didn’t listen.
A few years later, I graduated from college and my parents were still pressuring me to marry a Chinese guy. I told them that I didn’t want to and that I was going to marry my partner.
They said that I was going to regret it and that they would never accept him as their son-in-law. I told them that I didn’t care and that I was going to marry him anyway.”
Another User Comments:
“Love is love OP and you are NTJ.
Your parents still pressuring you to marry a Chinese guy shows that your parents are still racist and clouded by prejudice. You stick to your guns and I am sorry that you have such parents who don’t support your right on who you love. You marrying someone who is outside your culture DOES NOT mean you are betraying your culture.
What is super important is that the man you marry is kind, loving, and respectful towards you If your parents come spouting out negative stereotypes and nonsense about white people all because your spouse is white (trust me on this, I have friends who come across parents like yours), you need to put your foot down and tell them what they are doing is very disrespectful and you will hear none of it.
It would not be a surprise that they are too ‘ashamed’ to talk about you and your spouse to others in their community or they go around telling people they prefer you marrying a good Chinese man. You do you and you keep standing your ground.” KangarooOk2190
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, definitely not. My brother’s partner is in a similar situation, traditional Korean family and she flat out hasn’t told them she’s been seeing him for 2 years. His being white alone would disqualify him in the eyes of her mother. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with that kind of disapproval from your family, it’s not fair to you.
If you love your him, then nothing else matters.” PeriwinklePangolin24
Another User Comments:
“I’ve been there… heck, I am there. I am also Chinese. I am LC with my family now. They don’t accept my partner because he’s white, older, and has a daughter from a previous marriage.
Honestly, at some point in your life, you will have to choose what makes you happy. It took me a while and there was major guilt when I first started choosing me over what they expect me to do and to be. Let’s just say, I no longer need those antidepressants.
NTJ. Good luck!” snowprincess1206
19. AITJ For Confronting My Stepdad About My Stepsister's Eating Habits?
“I (18f) have been staying with my mom and my stepdad because I got fired from my job.
But I found another job and am saving up for a new apartment. My mom works from home and my stepdad works at my mom’s ex’s business. He doesn’t really care for his two daughters L (17f) and A (8f). L has Asperger’s syndrome and is babied because she blames it on her being on the spectrum.
L and I are good friends and get along sometimes.
A, my other stepsister, not to be mean, eats a ton. My mom will snap at her and tell her “you just ate, give your stomach a break” but stepdad tells her “she’s not your mom, eat if you’re still hungry.” Usually, she’ll eat 3 big servings.
She plays softball but other than that she’s inside on electronics. Recently she’s been eating a lot more whenever the subject of her bio mom wanting to see her comes up. I brought this up to my mom and she said “I know. But her dad doesn’t care.”
This hasn’t been a problem or anything that’s concerned me because she’s not my kid but yesterday she ate the food off my & L’s plate. We were both shocked. L and I eat dinner after everyone else is done. But A had just sat there, and watched us eat.
I went to grab water from the basement and L yelled my name. I ran upstairs and saw A eating my food after eating 2 servings. I was shocked. I snatched my plate and went to get more food which was in the other room. There was barely anything left and I assumed it was put into the fridge so I looked and tried to find extra food to eat.
L went to get the drinks and when she sat down to eat her food was gone and A was licking the plate clean. L is a germophobe, she got so angry and stormed off. I thought about it and thought maybe A licked my plate as well.
I ran out into the living room where my stepdad was playing on his PS5. “Get A checked for an eating disorder. Her relationship with food is terrible. Or like try and see if you can help her with it.” He stared at me. “How?
She can eat as much as she wants she’s playing a sport.” I play soccer, basketball, and volleyball so I understand but this is extra.
“NO! GOD! YOU DON’T GET IT! SHE ATE MY AND L’S FOOD AND LICKED THE PLATES CLEAN! GROW UP! STOP BEING SUCH A BAD DAD!
MY MOM IS NOT THEIR MOM YOU SAID IT BEFORE SO STOP ACTING LIKE YOU CARE BECAUSE YOU DON’T! GET YOUR BUTT UP, HAVE A TALK WITH HER OR GET HER CHECKED OUT!”
He rolled his eyes. “Don’t raise your voice with me. If you continue then leave.
You know what I’m kicking you out.”
We continued to argue. My mom sided with me saying that’s not normal. We agreed more and I stormed out, grabbed my stuff, and called my older sister. L called me saying she didn’t eat her breakfast this morning because A ate it and will my sister let her stay there with me.
My sister said yes. After she’s done with school my sister will pick her up. My stepdad told me not to. He will handle it.
AITJ? I feel like I am.
Edit: A is around 120 pounds. My mom called me when L hadn’t come home and said she’s staying at my grandmother’s house.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like you’re stuck in a really bad situation with really bad “adults” in it. You’re just barely an adult and you can see things are not ok. That said, A is 8 and while may have an ED is likely responding to stress by eating (maybe that’s an ED?).
Your mom needs to take charge of her mental health. Clearly, the father is too busy on his PS5. Could you have handled it better? Maybe if you had a few more years under your belt, but going forward try to encourage mom to take care of A.
She needs it. Edit: I hadn’t thought about a tapeworm. Please push Mom to get A checked out by a doctor.” FakenFrugenFrokkels
Another User Comments:
“Aside from the ED and tapeworm suggestions as being possible reasons for your younger step-sister, the only other thing I could think of was Prader-Willi syndrome.
All in all though, it definitely seems like she should be checked out by a professional doctor because those situations do not sound healthy at all. NTJ as a whole but going off on your step-dad may not have been the smartest move. He already sounds stubborn enough and getting in his face about it even more may just cause him to dig his heels in and be even more stubborn about the situation.” Ok_Cryptographer3142
Another User Comments:
“Honestly the kid is 8, I’m all for stepparents respecting boundaries but OP’s mom should absolutely have a say in what’s going on in her (and her husband’s) house with an 8-year-old. Dad doesn’t want Mom to hand out punishments?
Okay fine. But she is absolutely an authority figure and mom should have the right to tell A not to steal sister’s food, to slow down and that eating too much is unhealthy, and express concern. I really think the dad is out of line talking about how she isn’t A’s mother.
Also. Let’s say it is an ED (not a tapeworm or something else other commenters have pointed out) as someone with an ED it’s still really freaking rude to take other people’s food and lick their plates. Like come on she’s 8 someone needs to teach her better manners and get her checked for an illness/ED. This behavior is not only scary but it’s just inappropriate at this point.
I mean L couldn’t even have breakfast because her sister ate it!! I’m not saying that A is deliberately trying to steal food for her sister/step-sister because if it’s something like Pica obviously she has no control, but that is still unfair to L who can’t eat her own dinner now or have breakfast – it’s still a problem even if it’s uncontrollable.” Flimsy-Dragonfly-178
18. AITJ For Not Taking My Daughter To My Mother's Last Minute Birthday Dinner?
“My partner and I took our daughter to a theme park yesterday. It also happened to be my mother’s birthday.
Now, we made these plans weeks in advance, and during a time my mother refused to speak to me because we (my partner and I) decided to move back to his home state.
She called me every name in the book, told me I’m taking her grandchild from her, and a lot of other nonsense.
My mom made her dinner plans 2 hours before she wanted everyone to be there.
We were enjoying our time at the park and decided we wouldn’t cut it short.
My oldest sister texted me and basically said that no one cares if me and my partner didn’t go but our child had to go because “mom won’t ever celebrate a birthday again with her (child) again.” Which is a bit dramatic and a typical tactic they use to guilt me into doing what they want.
After a short back and forth and trying to compromise, like seeing her this weekend and hanging out. My mother and sister decided to insult me and all my life choices. Then go on to insult my partner.
I felt bad, but after their true feelings came to light, I felt like I did the right thing.
I don’t want my daughter around all that negative energy.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Kind of strange to dote on the daughter of the parent you despise and resent so much. There is no way she won’t start bad-mouthing you with the kid, and position herself as the best person to take care of the child and not the bad OP who steals her away from loving grandma!
The best way to guarantee the grandkid shows up is to be nice to the parents of said kiddo. You do what’s best for your kid, and don’t give in to emotional blackmail and manipulation. Your kid was a result of your life choices so far – and now you’re a package deal!
She doesn’t like you? Tough cookies, it’s YOUR kid, and YOU call the shots for who she interacts with.” Rohini_rambles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. With her manipulating to try to control what you do with your life, (not talking for weeks because you moved. this being her last birthday, if she’s not terminally ill, how?) etc…
and her insults to you and your partner. Maybe consider going low contact. You don’t say your daughter’s age… but I would think if she’s of an age to enjoy going to a theme park, she’s also of an age to be able to feel bad about some guilt-trippy words.
Things like: oh Mommy and Daddy didn’t love Grandma enough to bring you to my birthday, etc. Those types of statements can totally mess with anyone, especially a child with no ability to know it’s manipulation. Just keep an eye on how she talks to your child.” AbbyBirb
Another User Comments:
“Your mother is a grown adult who is throwing a tantrum over her birthday being ruined. NTJ. I don’t know a single grown person (who is rational/not manipulative, etc) who would throw such a big tantrum like this over their birthday.
Heck, many children would not be throwing this kind of tantrum. Most people don’t have celebrations exactly on that specific day because of scheduling (which as an adult, should be completely understood). In fact, I’ve had birthdays where I legitimately have three “birthday” dinners because different people expressed a want to be there for a dinner but couldn’t on xyz day.
At least one of those dinners was one-on-one but that person really wanted to celebrate with me so we had that dinner. Your mom is using your daughter as a prop and as a manipulation tool. Your sister is too. They absolutely should not be insulting you and your partner because they aren’t getting their way.
And what grandparent that genuinely cares about their grandkid wants a day like a theme park day cut short because the kid “has” to be with the grandparent? A) most people know that that would be a waste of money and so let it slide and B) imagine the resentment the kid would have because they have to leave something super excited to go spend time with boring adults would immediately make any normal grandparent back off.
Again, NTJ. Don’t give into their tantrums and be wary of leaving your daughter alone with her. Normally I’m not this type of person but sounds like your mom and sister will start saying negative things about you and your partner to her and that is NOT ok.” Artistic-Attempt-454
17. AITJ For Not Making Extra Pancakes For My Sister At 3:30 AM?
“My sister likes to sleep outside now that it has gotten warm. I have a seriously messed up sleep schedule so I’m mostly awake at night. I got hungry and decided I would make some pancakes. I made just enough for myself because I figured no one else would be eating, so why go through the extra work?
Just as I finish eating, my sister wakes up and comes inside. Our back door is in our kitchen, so she walks right in on me eating. She gets excited and asks if she can have some. I tell her I’m almost done with the last one and only made enough for myself.
She got mad and said that when I make them during the day I always have extra. I told her that’s because I make enough for a family meal and that I tend to overestimate. She got even madder and asked why I didn’t just make extra and put it in the fridge, and I told her I didn’t think there was a reason to.
She is not going back to bed and is still mad at me for this. I think she is being crazy but would like an outside opinion on this. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Normally, I’d say that making extra doesn’t take really any more work, but pancakes are one of the rare exceptions to that.
Pancakes are an attention-intensive carb, and each one is made individually, so there is a literal correlation between the number made and the time it takes to make them. Your sister is reacting to her own disappointment in an expectation she had. She saw, smelled, wanted pancakes, and assumed that there were enough.
That assumption wasn’t necessarily unreasonable, but you not meeting it doesn’t make you a jerk. She’s not a jerk either, because her human body made her want the pancakes she saw, and she emotionally reacted to not having them available. She wasn’t trying to be a jerk.
So, can I have some pancakes? Those sound good right now.” toofat2serve
Another User Comments:
“She wanted pancakes and there weren’t any so she’s throwing a tantrum. Who makes pancakes for the family at 3:00 and then puts extras in the fridge? Would she have yelled at you for just making one sandwich?
Pancakes can be a one-off as well. How can you possibly be considered a jerk for not making a household worth of pancakes to satisfy your 3:00 AM craving? How’s this, next time you make a snack at 3 when you can’t sleep, wake her up and ask if she wants a bite!” FlexibleMorality1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: Nobody should be expecting you to make them food. Even if she actively told you she wanted pancakes, you do not have a responsibility to feed her. You ever making food for her should be something she’s thankful for, not something she treats as your responsibility.
If she’s old enough to make food herself then it’s no longer anyone else’s responsibility. I think that’s the lesson she needs to learn.” qwertylerqw
16. AITJ For Leaving My Family Behind To Catch A Flight Due To My Sister's Meltdown?
“I (18f) was on a “vacation” with my family (I use quotes because they’re a nightmare with my high needs disabled 15f sister). It was time for us to leave but because my parents had to deal with a meltdown it was going to cause us to miss the flight.
I needed to get home on time because it’s the last time I get to see my partner (18m) before he leaves for basic training, so I got an Uber and left the hotel for the airport without my family.
They ended up missing the flight and having to reschedule, they said I was wrong to leave and I told them the whole world can’t pause for a meltdown, and I wasn’t going to sacrifice seeing my partner before he left. I’ve made enough sacrifices for her as is.
For example: we couldn’t invite him on “vacation” because my sister would have a meltdown if anyone outside of our immediate family is there.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – unless there was some cost or other inconvenience of you leaving early, you should be able to go about your life and your plans.
I’m assuming you told them you were going, and why and they didn’t wonder where you were. And it sounds like you made the right choice, otherwise, you would have been stranded too. Sounds like in the future, all family plans need to be addressed this way, you are able to make your own arrangements when needed. Side note – I wonder if your sister gets enjoyment out of these vacations at all?
If she has total meltdowns, maybe quiet vacations like a cottage that you drive to are better…less work for parents, more calm for sister.” tinny36
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’re right, you had a perfectly good reason for leaving ahead. Even if you are still at home and your parents have become dependent on your assistance, you’re still an adult with your own life and this was your last opportunity to see your partner.
I understand the stress that goes into caring for a sibling with high-needs disabilities. I understand why your parents were frustrated with you, likely stemming from general frustration and guilt. I don’t see any jerks here, just a family all trying to do their best.” echoCashMeOusside
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think you’re a jerk, but you should have said something. Tell them you’re concerned you’re going to miss the partner and you feel like you should leave. Your sister can’t do anything about being disabled. So ever….ever holding any “meltdown” against her is wrong.
I’m not saying it’s not tough and frustrating. I get that. However, she didn’t ask for whatever condition she has. She’s not choosing whatever comes with the issue.” MissesGamble
15. AITJ For Allowing My Fiancé To Refer To My Son As His Own?
“I’ve been with my (24f) fiancé (27m, “Jon”) for over 3 years, I’ve known him for 8 but we lost touch and reconnected before getting together. We started going out when my son (“KC”) from my previous relationship was 4 months and have been together since.
My son will be 4 next month.
Jon is the only man KC has ever seen me with and they have a great relationship. Jon taught him how to walk, has been there for all of his “firsts”, and just overall has always treated him as his own.
KC has always called Jon by his first name, has never once called him dad and I’ve always made sure he knew who his dad was. KC’s dad isn’t as active as he should be so Jon ended up being more of a father figure but his dad is still around here and there and KC loves him.
Now comes the issue at hand, Jon refers to KC as his son. When people ask if he has kids he’ll say he has a son, when he’s talking about KC to others he’ll refer to him as his son (for example: he’ll see one of his friend’s kids doing something and he’ll say something like “my son does the same thing”).
I asked him about it and he says it just comes naturally, he doesn’t realize he’s saying it and he doesn’t think much of it because he loves him as his own and he’s always been in his life. He has always expressed that he’ll never try to take the dad title away from KC’s dad and respects him as his father.
He let me know he’s perfectly fine being a “bonus dad”. Honestly, I personally don’t mind it.
Somehow, someway KC’s dad found out and he isn’t happy. He called telling me I was trying to erase him from his son’s life, Jon will never be his father, how Jon better not be forcing KC to call him dad, and how I’m just horrible for allowing Jon to call KC his son because the “dad” position is already filled. I tried to reassure him that KC knows exactly who his dad is and I would never allow him to call anyone else dad.
I tried to explain to him that Jon doesn’t mean any disrespect by it and he just loves KC as his own. He was still upset and called me a jerk and the call ended.
I don’t see the harm that was done so hopefully you all can give me some insight.
AITJ for allowing it????”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My stepdad came into my life a heck of a lot later than Jon came into KC’s and I am blessed to also have a father who has always been there for me (and I even was a classic “Daddy’s Girl”).
And you know what? When I visit my mom and stepdad at their new apartment, I tell the doorman/their neighbors in the elevator that I’m there to visit “my parents”. It’s an easy shorthand that does nothing to diminish my relationship with my father.
None of us are confused about the relationships, no one is replacing anyone… It’s simply a non-issue. If your ex is worried about “being replaced,” he should make sure he is a large enough presence in his son’s life that he doesn’t need to be replaced. The fact that he is acting like this is an issue is a sign of his own feelings of guilt.” DinaFelice
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Biology doesn’t make someone a father. Actually being there and loving the child is what makes him a dad. I wouldn’t be surprised if your son chooses to call Jon ‘dad’ at some point- and my guess is that Jon would be genuinely emotional when that happens- which is good!
I never knew my biological father. The man I call ‘dad’ was my mum’s partner when I was 15. They were only together for a couple of years, but we were very close and still are- he was even at my medical school graduation. Thankfully my mum doesn’t mind!” Sleepy_felines
Another User Comments:
“NTJ that’s terrible insecurity on the ‘dads’ behalf. I was in the same position my two kids have different dads and my now partner always called my eldest child his daughter and never treated her any differently from how he treats our son.
When he’s talking to people he always says he has two kids a son and a daughter. I love it, my daughter loves it she calls him by his name and knows who her “dad” is. Would the child’s dad prefer if your partner didn’t want anything to do with him??
Your child is getting an extra parental figure to love and take care of him. His dad should be happy.” mamabearpower
14. AITJ For Hiding My Bedroom Key From My Roommate?
“I (25M) live with my best friend of 15 years, Joe (26M). I have a long-term partner that I go see every weekend from Friday night to Monday morning and Joe has the place to himself on the weekend.
This works out well since he likes to have girls over on the weekends and doesn’t want me to meet them.
I’ve taken to locking my room over the weekends since I have never met the girls he brings over and I don’t trust them to not snoop in my bedroom while he is sleeping or otherwise occupied. I do have high-value items in my room that could be stolen or damaged, so I’d rather not take the risk.
I have let my roommate know where the key is in case he needs to go restart the router in my room (best signal on my windowsill). I’ve also told him to not show his guests where the key is hidden, just in case.
A few weekends ago I came home to my bedroom being unlocked and the key in the door.
I know he had someone over, so I confronted him and he said he just forgot to close it up again. Completely unashamed about his carelessness. Nothing was stolen or damaged at least. So I just moved my bedroom key to a different location and didn’t tell my roommate.
This past weekend he needed to restart the router and couldn’t find the keys, so I told him to just restart power from the DB board.
He got very upset that I don’t trust him enough to let him know where the keys to my bedroom are, I just let him know that I don’t trust him enough to not let his guests wander through my bedroom.
AITJ for not trusting my best friend with my bedroom keys?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. What did you want him to do exactly? Grovel at your feet? He made a mistake that ultimately had no effect on you. It sounds like this was the first time it’s happened and he’s been trustworthy for all the time you’ve lived together.
And again, nothing happened. The fact you think his guest is going to rifle through your room and will sit idly by is a bit paranoid. It’s unfair to leave him without access to reset the router. Let it go.” idont-care12091
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your room is your private space, even in a shared house, access to it is to be granted or withdrawn as you see fit for any reason, and you’ll never be the jerk; besides, he did break your trust with his carelessness If the router is such a problem, relocate it and suffer through the decrease in performance (or buy a wifi booster) Out of curiosity, how come you are not allowed to meet Joe’s hookups?” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Seems like an honest mistake. You said they didn’t seem embarrassed but I don’t know if I would be either in their shoes. Have they given you reason to doubt them before? If not, I think a simple “be more careful next time” would’ve sufficed. They’ve been your best friend for most of your life which generally means you trust them a lot.
If you feel the need to keep it hidden, though, that’s your call Also, I know you don’t know their guests, but I trust my best friends to have a good judge of character and know who of their own friends they’d need to be careful around.
They should still be polite and abide by the rules, but I’m not going to worry if I slip up in front of someone I trust with my life.” Renyx
13. AITJ For Including A Non-Religious Family Member In A Religious Painting For A High Fee?
“I have my day job and I’m also a freelance artist. Recently I was hired by a really wealthy older couple who wanted me to do a large oil painting of everyone in their family in a certain religious building.
I myself am not religious but the amount of money they offered me is way above my normal rate. Nearly 3x what I would usually charge for this size of painting. (Around $9000 + tip) I could use this money.
Now my dilemma is the mother told her adult children about me and that I would be doing this painting because I requested reference photos for all of them.
Well, one of their sons approached me and asked me not to include him in the photo because he is no longer religious and does not feel comfortable being portrayed in this religious building. I respect that however, I told him I do not feel comfortable getting in between my clients and their personal/family business.
He freaked out and told me he would ruin my art career. I called the couple who hired me and they insisted he would get over it and he was just being dramatic.
AITJ and selfish for still continuing with the group portraits plan. The money is insanely tempting, I have never been given this much for a painting before and I am excited.”
Another User Comments:
“This one is surprisingly tricky but I’m gonna go against the grain here and say YWBTJ. Sorry, I understand the money is tempting but it would be wrong. Yes, it’s not your fault the family has internal arguments. You’re just doing the job you’ve been commissioned to do.
But ‘just doing my job’ is famously not an excuse for unethical behavior. So is it unethical to put someone in a painting when they’ve asked not to be represented that way? Well, if someone paid you to represent a real existing Muslim person eating pork, against that person’s wishes, would you do it?
If someone paid you to represent a woman without her consent to that, would you do it? Because those things are pretty clearly unethical. This is much lower stakes from the outside, but to the son important enough to ask you not to. To the point he threatened you over it.
His likeness shouldn’t be represented in a way he has asked you not to. So it would be wrong for you to do it.” Left-Car6520
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Look, religion (and the lack thereof) is important to people, and you’re messing with that – it’s irrelevant that the mother is your client as she (and by extension you) are clearly disregarding her son’s wishes and you’re smart enough to know that.
It’s jerk behavior; doing the painting isn’t avoiding involvement in personal/family business, it’s getting involved in it because you’re getting paid to do so. Avoiding the personal/family business would be refusing the commission and telling the mother you’re not going to be paid to be part of this fight.
Now, if you decide you need the money ($9000 + tip is a lot, and I have no idea what your financial situation is over the internet), well, I’ve certainly been a jerk in less justified situations than you might be in. (Also, I find it baffling that people think the son is the jerk for not wanting to be dragged into religious stuff he doesn’t believe by other people.
Just because OP can legally paint the son doesn’t mean the son’s a jerk for requesting he doesn’t.)” Sorotassu
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Legally speaking in the US it seems like OP does not need the son’s permission to use his likeness in a painting.
Especially if they’re not going to make more paintings and sell commercially. Morally speaking (this is subjective, of course) but while the son himself can refuse to send reference photos, tough luck if reference photos are obtained from elsewhere. Parents can commission a painting of (almost) whatever they want of people in (almost) whatever scenario they want.
Merely being thought of as maybe being religious by strangers from a private painting in the parent’s home? Nope, sorry to son but that’s like trying to sue some people for verbally implying in private that the son is religious. Son is free to set the record straight on his own, but he has no control over revising his parent’s fantasy painting.” Monimonika18
12. AITJ For Telling My Friend He Couldn't Use My Home Gym Without Asking First?
“I have a small gym in my garage that I have been using for a few months.
One of my friends asked if I had been in the gym lately so I just said yeah then he asked which gym do I go to so I told him I just have a small setup in my garage.
He said he wouldn’t mind coming for a few sessions so I said yeah that’s cool man.
Then the next morning at 6 am I heard my doorbell ring so I ignored it. Then a few minutes later my phone rang and he is calling me asking me where I am because he wants to use my gym.
I said look man it’s early and my kids are still asleep and he got very upset and had a go at me that he had driven all this way here when I said he could use the gym.
I tried to explain that I meant he could use it as a kind gesture as long as he asked me beforehand but he wasn’t having it and stormed off.
Later my other friends said I was a jerk for wasting his time when he is trying to get in shape. I tried to explain that I didn’t mean he could just use my equipment whenever he wanted but they were still taking his side.
AITJ here was I too open in my invitation or something I figured he would understand what I meant.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Showing up at 6 a.m. without talking about times of use. The level of self-importance and entitlement is astronomical. He’s taking advantage, and doubling down by trying to make you feel like the jerk when he doesn’t own any of the stuff.
The 2 either need to understand why this is garbage behavior or you might, unfortunately, need to find new friends.” N3twyrk3r
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He should’ve called you ahead of time. Tell him that next time he needs to call first and ask when he’s allowed to.
Explain to your friends he came to your front door unannounced at 6 in the morning. If they still don’t side with you, get new friends. And tell that guy good luck paying for a membership. Maybe also send them the link to this post it would be funny seeing their reaction.” 0ixti
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You very kindly offered him use of your gym, under the assumption that he would give you a modicum of civility when it came to using it. You know, like an ‘is it okay if’ text. Or showing up at a reasonable hour.
Or, god forbid, acting like an adult when you set a boundary.
Another commenter said this, but I do want to reiterate it – this man is not your friend. This man was banking on you being too polite and accommodating to say no. This man would absolutely, unconditionally, not have pulled this same crap on a man.
Tell your friends that you’re sorry they feel that way, but the offer was not to use your home as a gym, but to use the gym in your home, when it was reasonable and convenient for you. 6 am is not that time. Then seriously, go looking for different friends, because these guys are entitled, and definitely don’t have your back.” endearinglysarcastic
11. AITJ For Refusing To Remove My Tattoo Memorializing My Late Husband And Son?
“I was a widow for 3 years before I met my fiancé (Julius). I lost my husband and 4-year-old son in a boating accident. When I got back on my feet after losing them, I had their names tattooed on my chest. Nothing grand, it’s just their names in cursive and two hearts.
When I met Julius I told him about my past. Including my depression and how I had to move back to my parents’ and depended on them for years. He was very understanding and after over a year of seeing each other, he proposed.
Yesterday, while I was getting out of the shower, Julius asked me when I plan to have my tattoo removed. He said he knows someone who’s really good and he could give us a discount.
This was the first time he mentioned something like this to me so I wasn’t sure how to respond. I just told him I have no plans of having my tattoo removed. Later that day, during dinner he asked me again and I told him the same thing.
He said we’re about to get married and it’s time for me to move on. I told him I have already moved on. He said it’s hardly moving on when I still have their names on my chest, that he can see every time we’re close.
He said it makes him uncomfortable and insecure of my love for him because it looks like I can’t let go of my past. He’s been giving me the cold shoulder since.
I told my mom about what happened and she told me she understands how Julius feels.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“What the everloving… One of the realities of a relationship with a widow is that, along with their deep strength and maturity, they come into the relationship with a past partner they didn’t break up with. That’s something your SO should have recognized a long time ago.
He doesn’t replace them in your history, he adds to your future… but only if he can accept you as you are now, including that they will always be part of you. The most egregious part, to me, is him expecting you to remove both names.
While being intimidated by a man who’s already passed on is troubling, expecting you to erase your son’s name for him is just horrendous. It doesn’t matter how short a time they’re in your arms or how long it’s been since, you never stop being a mom.
NTJ.” Jazmadoodle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Erasing the tattoos isn’t going to erase them. If he’s uncomfortable and insecure, that’s something he has to change, not you. It doesn’t seem like he’s understanding. If he did understand, he wouldn’t have asked you to remove them.
I apologize if this seems harsh or offends you in any matter: They’re dead. They aren’t coming back. If he’s feeling this way towards two loved ones who aren’t and will never be around again, that to me is a massive red flag. Is he going to have a problem when an anniversary or birthday comes around and you miss them?
Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting, it’s accepting and moving on with life, which is exactly what you’ve done and are currently doing. If you haven’t, you wouldn’t be with him, especially considering marriage.” Valuable_Ad_742
Another User Comments:
“First, I’m very sorry for your loss.
I got married very young and lost my husband in an accident. I have 2 tattoos in his memory. Now I’ve since been married for 10 years and have 2 children with my amazing husband. He has never had a problem with my tattoos to my first husband.
When we met, I still wore my ring and had some of his belongings. I’ve since gotten rid of everything, but my husband was so patient in letting me move on in my own time. He knew there was no reason to be jealous of a dead man, and that I’ve moved on and love him more than anything, even with my tattoos.
NTJ. I hope your fiance comes around to understand that your memorial tattoos do not take away from your love for him.” Ezybrezy_CleverGirl
10. AITJ For Snapping At My MIL Over Feeding My Son Cookies Against Our Rules?
“My MIL is elderly (she had my husband when she was in her 30s). We have never had a good relationship and she basically thinks that my husband and son (he is 2) walk on water while I am bottom feeder in said body of water.
Her unofficial love language is food and she loves cooking for my husband and her grandson. She also hates it when she comes over or we go over and she does not get the opportunity to feed her grandson.
Now my husband and I aren’t too fussy about my son’s diet except for the following three rules (and his allergies):
1) No sugar unless on special occasions
2) No fruits in the evening because for some reason his nose starts leaking
3) Minimal deep-fried stuff
My MIL has made it her life’s mission to go against every single one of these rules at every possible opportunity. I typically let my husband handle it but on this occasion, I completely lost it.
We went over to visit her for dinner and she offered my son a plate of chocolate cookies. So I reminded her that we don’t allow him sugary food items unless it’s a special occasion and particularly not at night.
She looked really sad and said her heart hurts that she can’t even feed her own grandson.
I completely lost it at this emotional blackmail and snapped “I think my son’s health is more important to me than your happiness.”
In retrospect, I think I was rather harsh over a plate of cookies.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Yes, she should be paying attention to the restrictions you’ve put in place–particularly around allergies.
And as someone fighting to lose weight after my parents basically just fed me cookies for breakfast, I applaud your effort to reduce the amount of sugar he’s eating. But your restrictions are overly restrictive. A whole plate of cookies is excessive, but honestly visiting grandma might be enough of a special occasion to warrant a cookie or two.
Let’s be honest though, this isn’t about the cookies. It’s about you and your MIL using your son as leverage to annoy the other person.” km89
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, NTJ at all. She is running roughshod over your understandable boundaries. “She looked really sad and said her heart hurts that she can’t even feed her own grandson.” This is clearly attempted manipulation.
She needs to grow up. I mean, come on, do you know how many great-tasting, all-natural, sugar-free cookie recipes there are out there? Countless. Stand your ground OP. We had much the same rules for our kids and they were not deprived in any way.
We had a great cookie recipe using applesauce, rolled oats, carob chips, egg whites, a touch of butter, and nectar, with or without walnuts that our kids LOVED. We had to limit them to 2 each. Heck, I’d eat the things for quick energy and my wife would comment that they seemed to “disappear.”” ProfessionalPilot45
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m sorry that you have to constantly manage your MIL’s behavior around your son. I myself grew up with a grandmother who would constantly ignore my parents’ rules about food as well. Like you, my sibling and I aren’t allowed to eat much sugar or fast food.
What would my grandma do every time she picked us up? Take us to McDonald’s and bake cookies. As a kid this was awesome. However, it didn’t take me long as a kid to figure out that this was all an act of pettiness on my grandma’s part.
YOU get to decide how to raise your children. YOU get to decide how they eat when they’re young. Keep reaffirming your boundaries as you are not in the wrong. If she continues to push them maybe reconsider the level of access she has to him.
Also, know that as your son matures he will begin to see her actions for what they are and pull away like I did. She has everything to gain or lose in this situation not you. Hold strong for your kiddo mama!” Fun_Mine9608
9. AITJ For Quitting My Job As A Commercial Fisherman Due To Harsh Treatment And Illegal Activities?
“I worked for a week as a commercial fisherman.
It was very hard work physically and draining mentally because of my captain. He would yell and scream at me for doing things wrong. He constantly insulted me and put me down. Every shift all the time.
I passed out after a 12-hour shift and woke up realizing I can’t work for him.
He was also skimming prawns from the harvest and selling them illegally.
I like the people that own the boat and I told them I wouldn’t quit, but it was too much stress for the pay. I realize I inconvenienced them (but probably more so my captain) as they would have to find a replacement early in the morning.
I was absolutely miserable every day. I told the owners that he was skimming from them over text.
Edit: The captain is my dad’s friend. It’ll definitely cause tension between them, but he insults my dad and is a poor person in general. My parents are angry at how I quit.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Better to quit than to have an accident due to mistakes made when tired or stressed. I work in healthcare. Spent two weeks training a chick. She quit one hour before her first solo shift. I was angry for about a minute and then realized she actually did a good thing since the damage she could have done was way worse than the inconvenience of covering a shift.” KaoJin-Wo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Part of being responsible is knowing what your limits are. I couldn’t work for this guy for 5 minutes. I think the prawn skimmer is the jerk and needs to go, he’s driving good people away in addition to committing crimes on the job.
They can fire him, and then if they want to have you back, and if you’re still interested, you could work a more reasonable type of shift, possibly.” Sitcom_kid
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You know your worth. I assume you didn’t plan on leaving.
You just woke up one day and you just COULD NOT do one more day. I had a similar experience where I worked for a few days at a call center. It was a nightmare. I made around 800 calls a day and it was non-stop.
Our team manager said that she was glad that I was going to stay (they have a lot of turnover) I ended up leaving because my mental health is worth A LOT more.” gw2ismyjam
8. AITJ For Refusing To Financially Support My Sister Who Was Part Of A Cult?
“My sister joined a strict church and she stopped talking to me and the rest of my family when she joined. One of the things the church said is that the only sin a woman can commit is not listening to her headship.
This is her dad, her husband, or another man if she doesn’t have a dad or a marriage. According to them, women are property. If your headship told you to steal a car, or lie to the police or forge a passport or any other crime or thing you would be “punished by god” if you didn’t do the thing.
If you did it then it wasn’t a sin. We didn’t grow up in a religious home or going to church so these sorts of beliefs were out of character. When my sister joined she was an adult, a dental hygienist, and had no history of mental illness.
I don’t even like thinking about it but I have to ask if I’m the jerk. It broke my heart when she left and I had to see a therapist.
The church fell apart and my sister’s husband and some others were arrested by the federal government.
By then no one had heard from my sister in 7 years. When the arrests happened my sister had 5 kids in 7 years. The church didn’t believe in education so the kids never went to school. Even after everything the state government where the church was didn’t care because homeschooling is legal there but not regulated so legally parents don’t have to send their kids to school or educate them at all.
That was so wild to learn. My sister and nieces and nephews are with my parents now. My parents have asked me, my siblings, and even my aunt and uncle to help support my sister and the kids financially because they can’t really afford to have 6 extra people to support.
My sister still believes in what the church believes. She won’t divorce her husband and he still tells her what to do even though he is in federal prison. My nieces and nephews aren’t educated at all. It’s completely legal but my parents say they can’t make my sister homeschool or send them to school.
They have never been to a doctor or dentist. My sister is educated and used to work before she joined the church but she refuses to work. I think my parents have blinders on and are just happy she’s back home. But I don’t want to give them money because my sister hasn’t changed and is only with my parents because the church fell apart and her husband got arrested by both the state and the feds.
She is standing by him even after convictions in both courts. She doesn’t recognize the authority of the court and thinks god will set him free. On the unlikely chance one of his appeals did succeed, she would go right back to him. I know my parents are struggling and are disappointed and mad I’m not contributing.
(My sister won’t accept government assistance because the government is evil and godless according to her. CPS did investigate when I complained but she isn’t doing anything illegal or that they could change.)”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister isn’t necessarily either since she was clearly in a cult and who knows why she really joined. Your parents are jerks though for enabling her.
She needs some sort of deprogramming – if she refuses, your parents should seek involuntary commitment. If that can’t happen, then your parents need to get social services involved for the sake of the kids and try to seek custody – it’s certainly a high burden, but not sending them to school or getting medical treatment could be enough (not clue though talk to a real lawyer).
Not a homeschooling expert, but we did it for one year, and there were certain state requirements. The state didn’t do anything to check that we were abiding by the requirements, but we had to submit an affidavit or something swearing we were following the rules.
If your state has similar rules, there might be legal issues if she’s “homeschooling” but not actually teaching her kids.” Born_Rabbit_7577
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… But I do believe your parents need real help. This isn’t something you or your parents can fix, and no amount of money is going to change that.
I would suggest doing research into these cults and seeing which way you can help that way. This can be finding a support group or finding a therapist who can point you in the right direction. Honestly, it might just take time. Reality will come crashing down on your sister when she realizes that her husband isn’t coming back.
Just be there for your parents and family when that happens.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She refuses to work and support your children so why should you? How did CPS not intervene when your sister doesn’t have a job, is neglecting their medical care, and doesn’t provide them with education?
CPS needs to act since these children probably cannot read, write, or do basic math. Keep calling until they do something. Call the police on her since she won’t provide them with an education. You cannot call it homeschooling if there is no teaching or assignments.
I fail to believe that nothing can be done about that.” [deleted]
7. AITJ For Expecting My Roommate To Repay His Share Of The Rent?
“I (M24) moved in with my best friend (M22) after many years as friends throughout high school and college. We have traveled far and wide and have a great friendship. We have all the same views and such so it seemed like things would work out without an issue.
And it seems like it did until recently.
My friend was out of a job for roughly 5 months in which they went through their savings and accumulated additional debt to keep up with their portion of the bills. I asked multiple times if they were good because I’d help them out if they needed it.
Each time they stated they were okay. At month 6, my friend stated they needed assistance with the rent but were able to pay for their share of utilities. I paid their share of the rent for the month as they were starting a new job, and was receiving a higher salary than expected.
I made the assumption that with them starting a new job I was expecting them to resume payment of their rent and utilities the following month. When asked how they wanted to do the next month’s rent (pay a higher portion to compensate for me paying the previous month’s balance, work out some sort of agreement, etc.) they were offended that I asked them to repay for their past due portion to me and that I didn’t show compassion for their situation as they rebuild their nest egg to get back on their feet.
Then at that point, they would discuss going back to an even split as that’s what they would do if the roles were reversed.
I don’t necessarily agree with this statement as I’ve always held the belief that even in trying times you ensure you have your four walls covered and then work on past due/additional debts.
(Home/Utilities, transportation, food, and clothing).
I have the means to cover the expenses but it stops me from making leeway with paying off my debts earlier. I’m just not sure what to do. I’ve been taken advantage of previously by a former roommate and my friend stated I was wrong for letting it happen but now it seems like he wants the same treatment.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, though you should have mentioned him paying you back earlier. However, he’s a jerk for not agreeing to pay you back. Moreover, I get from this post that they expect you to continue covering their rent while they rebuild their “nest egg.” Now that is not your responsibility.
It appears your “friend” is taking advantage of your generosity. Don’t think for a moment that he would give you the same generosity “if the roles were reversed.”” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are not his bank account. It was really kind of you to offer to help him out… but that doesn’t mean you are supposed to now support him while he ‘builds his nest egg’.
Nope nope nope. The way you wrote your post, however, I thought you were offering to pay his rent for him as a gift.. not as a loan – so unless you specified that to him at the time, I don’t think asking him to repay it would be fair (you said that you asked him for several months if he was ok..
and that you would ‘help him out if he needed it’. But going forward, he needs to figure out how to pay his fair and equal portion of the bills. If he cannot and you are willing to loan him the money, I would make sure and write up a promissory note and have him sign it, stating that the rent from now on is a loan to be paid back by a specific time, in specific increments.
That way you know you will get the money back and he isn’t taking advantage of your kindness. If he doesn’t want to do that.. then he needs to find the funds elsewhere or move out.” MissSuzieSunshine
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Rebuilding their nest egg does not take priority over repaying you and resuming their portion of the rent.
It’s extremely privileged and spoiled of them to think you should continue to shoulder their costs so they can save more. That’s a hard no for me. But it’s a good lesson – loaning friends or family money is a bad idea because it almost always goes badly.
Only loan money that you are prepared to never get back. Next time, if there is one, you need to be very clear and detailed as to expectations. But tell them now that rebuilding their nest egg is not your concern and that repaying their debts first is what is going to happen.
Don’t be wishy-washy about it – be direct and state what you want to happen.” Canning-mama-1998
6. AITJ For Ordering A White Chocolate Cake For My Daughter's Communion Despite My Nephew's Allergy?
“My (9f) daughter is getting her first communion soon. Chocolate is her favorite, I tried to encourage her to get vanilla because her cousin (my nephew who is neurodivergent) is allergic to chocolate.
She got very upset saying it’s not fair that it’s her party. I began to agree with her and ordered a white chocolate cake.
I plan to accommodate my nephew by getting him an individualized vanilla cake, but his mother (my SIL) is upset, saying he will feel excluded and not understand why he can’t have the same cake as everyone else, and says we should get a vanilla cake because it’s not his fault he’s allergic.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He has to learn that he can’t get the same as everyone else because he is going to be in situations like this as he gets older. The world isn’t going to bend to him and it’s not fair to expect it to.
Your daughter shouldn’t have to get a cake she doesn’t want because her cousin can’t have it. He can have a vanilla cake on his birthday or another day that’s his. Your daughter’s day isn’t about him.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all my good man/woman!
You asked your daughter if she was willing, she said no, so you’re going to get what she wants because ultimately, it’s HER party. You’re respectful enough about it, and you’re being accommodating, and if your SIL doesn’t like that, she doesn’t have to come.
I’m not entirely sure what communion is though. In the end though, this is your daughter’s event, not your nephew’s, she is more important right now, and you’re doing what’s good for her. That isn’t being a jerk, that is you being a DAD/MOM.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ let her get the chocolate cake but make sure to get him a cake too so he can enjoy it also. He’s going to learn that he’s going to have to have restrictions in places and there’s ways to be included with those restrictions.
Every child with an allergy learns this and it does not mean they still can’t have fun. My baby sister is allergic to artificial strawberry and it basically in like a crap ton of stuff but we make sure at every party she has things she can have so she’s included and there’s no issue.” Geek_is_my_chic
5. AITJ For Driving To Germany To Get Cheaper Gas Despite My Partner's Complaints?
“I (23f) am in a relationship with my partner “Tara” (23f). We live together. This is important to the story, I’m autistic and I have a really hard time getting social cues. You have to be direct with me and Tara knows this. Tara is a very sarcastic person, which either leads to me taking her sarcasm seriously or me taking her being serious as a joke, and on a rare occasion, me getting the joke.
Generally speaking, it doesn’t impact our relationship.
Yesterday night we went to a concert, about a 50-minute drive one way and I was driving. On the way back I needed to get gas, we live in the Netherlands about 10 km away from Germany and I wanted to go there to get gas (German gas is WAY cheaper than Dutch gas).
It was almost midnight so I figured there wouldn’t be a line at the gas station.
Tara says, I want to go home, I’m tired if you’re gonna get gas I’m gonna be cranky. At the concert, Tara had plans to stay up all night and play games, so I thought she wasn’t that serious about it.
She pretended to jump out of the car, which made it even more like a joke to me.
So I drove to Germany, the line was about a 45-minute wait and I turned around because who’s got time for that? Tara said and I quote “screw you, I hope you’re out of gas on your way to work, I mean both”.
She didn’t say anything else during the drive and when we got home she immediately went upstairs, stomping. I ignored it and about 10 minutes later she came down and said “I really wanted to go home and not drive for another 30 minutes”. I answered “it wasn’t that long” and she got angry again.
Eventually, we talked about it, I apologized for not taking her seriously but she only said “I didn’t mean to say screw you” when I specifically brought it up. But I also kinda feel like I shouldn’t have to apologize for literally trying to get gas.
I feel like Tara definitely thinks I’m in the wrong here and I disagree. So AITJ for trying to get gas?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and her reaction seems disrespectful. Personally, I’m always grateful when somebody is driving me home safely and comfortably. If it was so inconvenient for her, she should have found another way to get back home.
Unless there was some health issue or an emergency why she needed to get home fast, she was just acting entitled. You have every right to make any stops needed while you are the one driving other people. She was acting selfish and didn’t take your needs (common needs in this case) into account at all.
The worst thing is that it seems she doesn’t think her reaction was wrong, for me that’s a red flag.” fancyboop
Another User Comments:
“INFO: if you left the German gas station without getting gas, how much did you really need gas? If you didn’t actually need gas, to the point where you could drive out of your way and still not get gas, then I think you should have driven her home first. The ongoing confusion of sarcasm vs.
serious sounds like it could cause you two issues in the future. It could be worth talking with your partner to come up with a way to handle that.” gyrfalcon2718
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. There were two of you in the car, and you changed plans to add a long detour, against the wishes of the other person in the car.
That’s a very rude thing to do. You have difficulty getting social cues. But on this occasion, Tara was direct and clear about what she wanted. You decided to override the plain meaning of her words with your erroneous interpretation that she wasn’t serious. That’s not a game you want to play long-term, my friend.
If someone is being sarcastic, and you take them seriously, that’s a minor embarrassment. If they are being serious and you decide they are sarcastic, you risk even worse consequences than being judged the jerk.” -Aspinwall-
4. AITJ For Considering No Contact With My Uninterested Father?
“I (23f) am at a breaking point in my relationship with my dad. My parents divorced when I was 10-11 for various reasons (they differ depending on who you ask).
We would go back and forth to his house while he lived with his mom, my grandmother, who is a hoarder. Eventually, he moved out because my brother and I were tired of being in the hoarder’s apartment and smelling gross whenever we came home.
Our visits were nothing but sitting around watching TV and going out to eat. We asked for him to do stuff with us but nothing ever happened. The most we would do was go see my aunt.
When I started driving, I went to his house less and less because I was busy with high school activities.
After graduating high school, I moved about 4 hours away from my hometown to go to college. My dad visited one time for my 18th birthday. On my 18th birthday, he made a point to make sure I had my own phone plan and my own vehicle insurance because the divorce papers said that he did not have to pay for anything for me once I was 18.
Luckily, I have an amazing mother who put me on her plans so I didn’t have to pay for it on my own. This put a bad taste in my mouth and our relationship has struggled since then. That was 6 years ago.
In those 6 years, he has barely made an effort to contact or see me in any way.
Anytime we have talked or spent any time together, it’s because I reached out. I’m at the point in my life where I don’t know if I want a relationship with somebody who isn’t going to try. Would I be the jerk to go no contact with him unless he seriously changes?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I cut out my father from my life, completely 9 years ago. Long story short. He was an abusive heavy drinker, unfaithful, and living with him for the first 18 years was “exciting”. Then I threw him out of the house. I have had enough of his abusive actions towards me and my mother.
We reconnected a few years later, after my first deployment. It was nothing special. I also got to meet my step-sister. I wanted to clear the air like two adults and start fresh. He stopped drinking because he had to due to his health. For a few years, we saw each other sporadically and I tried to build a relationship with my stepsister, who was a teen at the time.
What he wanted, was for me to take responsibility for his daughter and have me deal with everything, while he can again avoid all the responsibilities fatherhood brings. I saw right through the manipulative tactics and I refused. I did try to be there for my sister and get him to finally mature and grow up.
I also took a walk down memory lane with him. I wanted to have closure. There was no yelling or screaming or accusations. Just recollecting events and telling him how it made me feel. Trying to get him to understand, he is dealing with somebody who needs a father.
He played dumb and the only thing he said was, “I do not remember any of it.”
As for my sister, she is a special kind, and I stopped trying to build a relationship with her after I realized some truths. She only contacted me when she needed money.
Which I refused to give because for her it was all about materialism and what she could get from people. She was not interested in a brother-sister relationship. There was much more to it, but this is the gist. When I walked away, I walked away from both of them and never looked back.
There comes a cut-off point and we must do, what is needed for our own peace of mind. I am not resentful, I do not hate, I am not angry. It is what it is. Partly it made me the man I am today. Walk away.
Enjoy life. Be happy.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I’d probably drop a card in the mail for Father’s Day and his birthday, but not bother otherwise. (I don’t know where you are, but if there are Dollar Tree stores near you, they have low-end Hallmark cards for $1.
You could spend less than $5 a year to throw him that bone and leave any additional contact in his court.)” maddiep81
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m really sorry that he has been so uninterested and so apathetic about showing up in any way in your life.
But from your description, you know this. This is very sad. And, all healthy relationships proceed based on mutuality. It takes two. There’s only one of you initiating anything. It’s OK to sit back and do the emotional work to come to an acceptance of who your father has been and who he is in your life now and let go.
I’m so sorry. Many of us learn through this experience and it ends up being more peaceful once you get through the acceptance. You just make peace with it.” mcclgwe
3. AITJ For Wanting To Eat Sushi Despite My Wife's Severe Shellfish Allergy?
“I, M39, have been with my wife F40 for about 13 years. We have 2 beautiful daughters together.
My wife is deathly allergic to shellfish. So allergic that one time, her allergies were triggered by hugging a friend who we invited over for dinner. She said she felt like she was having a severe allergic reaction, and we found out that earlier that day that friend had handled shrimp.
She started to gag, and since she felt like she would have issues breathing, we had to use the EpiPen.
Well, my favorite food is sushi, but there is no way she’ll let me go to a restaurant that serves sushi. I haven’t had a proper sushi in about 10 years.
Last week, I ran into an old friend of mine. It so happened to be my birthday last week and they offered to take me out to an authentic Japanese restaurant with one of those giant sushi boats. Friend’s partner is Japanese and she knows where the best Japanese restaurants in town are.
I really want to go. I went home and told my wife about it and she got furious. She said if I go I would have to shower, wash my clothes that I was wearing, and use mouthwash before coming home. My friend said I could do all of that at his house, and she screamed at me saying I was prioritizing my friend over her life.
AITJ?
Edit: Also I forgot to add we also have a roommate M40 in the household. I gotta admit I am kind of jealous of my roommate because he can make and eat clam chowder whenever he wants and she would be upset, but wouldn’t say anything to him.
But I haven’t been able to eat my favorite food… I get that I am the one married to her but I can’t help but feel envious lol
She sometimes breaks out in hives or says she can tell when he’s cooking with clams or shellfish, I just assumed it was just what he was cooking that doesn’t cause as awful of a reaction.
She said she doesn’t feel like she is in the place to say anything because the house we’re living in is his place and since I’ve been out of a job for a while we haven’t been able to make full rent in the past several months.
I’m actively looking and going to interviews, but times are tough.
We’ve lived in the same house for the past five years. It is my roommate’s house. We were able to afford the rent he had set until recently, but since I lost my full-time job my roommate/landlord offered to let us stay and just pay whatever we can until we get back on our feet.
I have a part-time side gig as a wedding DJ, wife is a stay-at-home mom.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I have 2 friends who have spouses with similar allergies. Friend 1 has a wife deathly allergic to nuts. She will eat tons of nuts during work trips and gives herself a purge day before coming back to prevent contaminating her wife.
Washes all clothes before coming back. Super thorough toothbrush and mouthwash regime. Friend 2 has a husband deathly allergic to shellfish like OP’s wife. She kissed him once on the mouth after eating crab and he puffed up so bad. We take her to the coast for a seafood-eating frenzy every other year.
You shouldn’t have to give up a fav food 100% just because of allergies… unless you are the one allergic.” PolyPolyam
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because of your edit. You’ve been out of a job for a while and because of that she has to live with a housemate who cooks food she’s deathly allergic to.
Then you get invited to a fancy birthday dinner and she not only doesn’t get invited, but she gets to risk having a deadly allergic reaction to you when you come home, while also living inside a house with her deadly allergens and being behind on rent because you don’t have a job.
I think you’ve failed at reading the room bro. There’s a time to treat yourself and there’s a time to refrain from adding fuel to the fire. You’re adding even more fuel to the fire if she’s supporting the whole family right now, and you’re pouring gasoline on it if you’re still unemployed because you’re turning up your nose at jobs outside your field instead of taking whatever job you can get so you can get up to date on rent and then get yourselves out of there.
(And all this is assuming your friend offered to pay for dinner and it wouldn’t cost you a single cent to go. If you would have to pay for dinner or drinks or transport while out of work for a while and your wife is living with deadly allergens and you’re behind in rent, YTJ times a million.)” balitoridae
Another User Comments:
“I have a severe shellfish allergy. Severe. Just the smell of shrimp, lobster, and crab can send me into anaphylactic shock. If it touches the back of my throat I need an EpiPen injection immediately. Sometimes two. My husband eats these foods only when he is out with friends, then comes home, showers, and puts his clothes in the washing machine.
Twice I have nearly died. This allergy is NOT to be taken lightly. I’ve had reactions in restaurants when the kitchen picks up shellfish with the same utensils as my non-seafood order. YTJ because you are taking an unnecessary chance with your wife’s life.” Cartographer-Happy
2. AITJ For Wishing My Husband Would Stop Helping Others And Help Me For Once?
“I (35f) have been married to my husband (37m) for 14 years. He moved to another country for me (we met online while gaming, but we both are foreigners in this country), because of that he couldn’t find a good job at the beginning and in fact, we had some serious financial struggles but we fought tooth and nail and crawled out of that.
Several years ago, he got a decent job, I was able to go from full-time to working only 4 days a week because I couldn’t handle the amount of work and taking care of the household and my elderly mother. He felt that because he was working full time, household chores were my responsibility.
I took care of finances, paperwork, cooking, cleaning, renovating, repairing, and shopping – everything, that in addition to my day job. He would get home, eat, and play his video games. I couldn’t. I understood his work was very physically and mentally draining and he needed his rest, but I always felt left alone.
Our serious problems started when he got his back injury at work at the beginning of this year. He has been home since then, I had to switch back to full-time work, in preparation to save some money in case his boss lets him go or he can’t work that job anymore.
All that in addition to the same obligations at home. This is not my problem, because I understand taking care of your spouse in need and gladly do more hours. However, his injury is not so severe that he can’t walk, clean, or cook.
Over 6 months ago he started helping people from his country, complete strangers or co-workers to do basic tasks – go to doctors with them to translate, drive them where they need to, take them to shops, and file paperwork. It began with once a week to basically being gone all day long 5-6 days a week because more and more people found him and called at random hours for help.
He started to get invited by them to BBQs and bars so if he is not helping them he is out socially. Some of them pay barely enough to cover the gas money, and not to mention there is no paying for his free time or putting money into saving in case the car breaks again.
Some of them even ask for small loans and sometimes don’t pay back.
Helping others should be admirable, but I feel like he is so focused on helping other people that he doesn’t even see how his own wife is drowning. He tells me every day how he thinks I am amazing and strong, and he is the luckiest guy in the world, but I feel like it’s just empty words.
He helps other people freely while I have to beg and have argument after argument about him washing dishes or cooking a meal for me when I come home after a long day at work and can barely stand. I am very resentful and angry over it and yes, I told him again and again how I feel.
He doesn’t understand how helping other people can be a bad thing. AITJ here and just too emotional?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s engaged in an egotistical form of helping where he gets to look good to strangers/the community for being such a great guy.
But basically pulling his weight around your home doesn’t get him the same butt pats so he doesn’t care. It sounds like for most of your marriage he’s always had an excuse for why he can’t do household chores and now he’s found the perfect one he can use to guilt you — “I’m HELPING people, how are you so mean to want me to stop.” Sadly I’m not sure you can really make him care if he’s already spent so many years wriggling out of basic household responsibilities.” crockofpot
Another User Comments:
“Honestly, I get where your husband is coming from because I used to do the same. We have a pretty large community and in the country we live I was amongst the first to learn the language so I started helping more and more people by translating and going with them to appointments.
This started when I was still living with my parents but after I got married, people still expected me to do the same as if I had no other responsibilities at home. Well. To be honest, I did enjoy helping some people (some not so much because they even started being rude af and I was thinking “you must be kidding me.
I am helping you and you berate me?”) and I hated to cook so I used that as an excuse, but seeing my husband coming home from work really tired, kind of rang a bell and made me wake up and prioritize our home. People got angry at first that I didn’t have time for them anymore, but who cares?
I think your husband is enjoying these outings too as he might be depressed from staying home all day, but he has to find the right balance. Helping others is great as long as you don’t neglect your spouse or yourself. Take it from someone who has been there.” Europeangirl101
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. We teach people how to treat us. You are allowing him to put you and the home second to the ego kibbles he gets for helping others. Have a talk with him and let him know that he needs to step up and help with household maintenance and work out a system that works for both of you.
Let him know that if he continues to not contribute this is a marriage counseling or reevaluation issue and if he won’t be your partner then you need to reevaluate whether the relationship works for you anymore. In the meantime, stop doing anything household-related for him.
No laundry for him, no cooking for him, no errands for him..nada!” Copper__Phoenix
1. AITJ For Calling Out My Hairdresser Who Ignored My Plea For Help?
“Months ago I asked my local social media group (English speakers in X location/I live in a foreign country) for recommendations of a good English-speaking hairdresser. A lady (we’ll call her Renee) was highly recommended to me and so I contacted her. Months went by and we had made several appointments that either got cancelled on my end or her end because her mum was sick, or I was moving house and couldn’t make it, but I always gave her plenty of notice when I cancelled. I would book a month in advance but cancel maybe a week in advance and she’s very popular, so she would likely have the spot filled in no time with that much notice.
My hair was getting incredibly long and unruly and I couldn’t do anything nice with it. Every time I tried to do something I just failed and I had my sister’s wedding to go to, so I wanted my hair to be more manageable for the day.
Every time I booked with Renee, because she was so popular, I had to book a month in advance. I didn’t have that much time and my godmother who was visiting offered to pay for me to get my hair done. We went together to a reasonably priced salon that my friend recommended. I showed the dude a picture of what I wanted and he proceeded to totally ruin my hair and do a style that was NOTHING like the picture, at least two inches shorter, and just ugly.
I was so upset.
I immediately sent Renee a message asking her if she could fit me in to help fix it and apologised for going to someone else (side note – she once asked me if I’d been to someone else when my hair looked “done” in one of my insta posts and seemed offended by it, hence the apology, but that’s another story).
Keep in mind at this point I still had never been to Renee for any service.
She read and completely ignored my message. I was upset and annoyed but I went to my sister’s wedding with the hair that I didn’t like and I made do with it.
It looked okay. It’s been a month and a half since the hair disaster and I saw a post on my English Speakers group on social media saying that a highly recommended hairdresser had let her down and they were asking for recommendations for a new one.
Loads of people were recommending Renee. I messaged the person asking who it was that let them down and it was indeed Renee, that Renee had ghosted her the day of her appointment, and she’d done the same to many others.
I was fuming, so I sent Renee a message asking why she ignored my message.
I told her I was upset and she let me down because I had to go to my sister’s wedding with hair that I didn’t like. I wasn’t mean but I didn’t sound very happy in the message. She messaged me back immediately saying that she’s been having a hard time and that she was ignoring everyone because she and her son were trying to flee from her abusive partner.
I felt so so awful and I immediately apologised. I also offered her my spare room if she needed anywhere to stay.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“”I told her I was upset and she let me down.” No, she didn’t. YTJ. From your wording, it was you who cancelled many times so it’s not on her.
Then in this instance, you didn’t have an appointment at all and knew she didn’t have time. She didn’t promise you anything and her life simply doesn’t revolve around you. Honestly, you both seem very overly familiar with each other. Her commenting on your social media, you thinking she owes you help, you offering her to live with you.
It’s a bit much. I recommend leaving it alone and unfollowing her on any social media.” Mmm_hummus
Another User Comments:
“Just focusing on the actual conflict here, yes, YTJ. You tried to book an appointment with her within a timeframe that you knew she wasn’t going to be able to make.
Her not answering is of course annoying, but it doesn’t make her a jerk. The fact here is that you didn’t have an appointment. You still felt entitled to “call her out” for ignoring you. As happened: you don’t know her situation. It’s one thing if you had had an appointment with her and she ghosted you.
But that didn’t happen here. You didn’t have an appointment booked. Still, you decided to send her an uncalled-for message. Yes, that absolutely makes YTJ. Your appointment with the other hairdresser doesn’t matter in this scenario. The background on you cancelling, and Renee cancelling, doesn’t matter.
Renee’s appointment with someone else doesn’t matter here. You deciding to “call her out” when you didn’t even have a scheduled appointment is what matters here. Based on that: YTJ.” DogsReadingBooks
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Nothing worse than an expat expecting people to roll over & accommodate them.
You apparently have a sister who lives in this same foreign country, yet you don’t speak the language? There are phone apps that translate English into other spoken languages. I’m going to guess you’re a westerner living in a poor part of the world; South America, South-East Asia or Eastern Europe.
Get over yourself.” AmbitiousBasket0
