People Have Wild Fights In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
20. AITJ For Surprising My Partner With First Class Seats On A Family Trip?
“Okay so here’s the story, I’m a big guy. In fact, I was an NCAA Division II Tight End, for non-Americans, think of the size of rugby players, for nonsports people, I’m a big dude.
Not to mention my poor knees are shot, and I have a bad lower back. Then factor in that I travel by plane often for work. My job reimburses for flights, but they only pay for a basic seat, any upgrades come out of pocket.
Thankfully I make a decent enough living that most of the time I spring for an upgrade to economy comfort or even business class. If I have enough points, or the flight is cheap enough I spring for first class, but only if it’s a longer haul flight.
If it’s a regional flight, I just suck it up, save the cash and sit in economy.
Okay so here’s the story, my in-laws invited me and my partner “Diana” on a trip, and we paid our own way FYI. The trip would be seven hours so I told my partner and in-laws that I paid for an upgrade to business class, and they were cool with it.
But in reality, I had something else cooking, Diana has never flown first class and as a special surprise for her, I upgraded our seats to first class and would tell her at the airport. So for all the reasons I listed above and for Diana, I got us upgraded to first.
I was so excited to see her reaction I could barely hold it in. When we got to the airport and when the first-class passengers were called, I looked at my partner and told her “Let’s go”. She said they hadn’t called our cabin yet, and I told her to look closer at her boarding pass, she looked and was stunned. FIL just laughs and shakes his head, MIL is stunned but doesn’t look happy.
Long story short, we had a ball in first class, she loved it and thanked me again and again. She only said to tell her in advance next time so that she can dress more bougie. We get off the plane and MIL is angry at me.
She said how could you leave FIL and her to rot in coach while we live it up first. To be fair, FIL didn’t really care, he said he slept the whole way. He then told MIL that he’d have left us too if he had the money.
MIL said we should all go first together or not at all, that it isn’t really fair or a good look to have two parties be in different classes like that. I said we were originally in business, she said there’s a world of difference between business and first class.
She said I could have at least sprung for economy comfort or business class for everyone rather than be selfish.
I talked with Diana afterward and she said that while she enjoyed the surprise, she said that maybe I should have saved it for a private trip for the two of us rather than with her parents.
I still don’t think it’s a big deal, but I’ve been wrong in the past. So AITJ?
P.S: MIL is usually a nice person, I just think that this just set her off.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- MIL sounds a bit entitled. She was sitting with her husband, she was not left to rot.
If SHE wanted first class she could have sprung for her own ticket. I’ve been on a flight where my parents were upgraded to first class and we teen kids were left in the cheap seats. We didn’t whine about it.” shadow-foxe
Another User Comments:
“Slightly everyone is a jerk. They invited you to spend time with them. MIL understood the upgrade to Business because of your frame. Further upgrading the tickets to give your partner a treat, but not upgrading your in-laws is a little off. I agree with your partner.
You had a great thought, but it would have been better to save it for a couples trip, rather than widening the difference in treatment between you and the in-laws. It’s also not great for your MIL to get so grumpy about it though.
Everyone was just being human. Nothing hugely wrong here to make a drama about. What’s great is that you and your partner seemed to deal with the fallout as a couple really well. That bodes well for the future, as in-law politics is real!” Squiggles567
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You paid your own way and have a right to fly any way you want. If it was me, and my friends or family wanted to pay for first class and I couldn’t, I could care less. Have fun, I’ll sit in the couch watching movies and sleeping.
Your MIL is acting entitled. She should just be happy for her daughter to have that experience.” Midlife_Crisis_46
19. AITJ For Not Wanting To Attend My Grandfather's Funeral Despite My Dad's Wishes?
“So I will try to keep this short. I’m in my mid-30s for context.
My grandpa and grandma got divorced when my dad was 7.
He was unfaithful to her numerous times – his justification was that my grandma was a prude. He told my dad shortly after they got divorced “Want to know how many times your mom and I were intimate? Count how many kids I have.” I believe he was 12 when his dad told him this.
The final straw was that he was having an affair with my dad’s best friend’s mom who was also a mother of 3 and married. They also lived 3 houses down. So my dad grew up with his dad spending all his time with his new family.
His dad even opted not to have any visitation and just pay child support. Trying to raise 6 kids was too much. My grandpa seemingly didn’t have a relationship with my dad at all. There are obvious dad issues with my dad that led to my dad being a great dad because he was a jerk.
My benefit.
When my dad got older, he was going to divorce his new wife because she wanted him to give up his profession to become a pastor. My dad actually spoke to his apartment manager and got him an apartment, and he ended up bailing and becoming a pastor to keep his marriage going.
His new wife was very controlling and mean. Her kids despise her now.
Family functions always had my grandma and her new husband [both of whom I grew up knowing and thoroughly enjoyed] and my grandpa and his new wife. I never understood it because my grandpa would make jokes about how my grandpa was a prude – I always knew it bothered her but she remained mature about it.
When we were younger, I don’t remember my grandpa giving us the time of day. We didn’t attend his church. My brother and I were the only family members who didn’t ask him to officiate our weddings – he didn’t attend either out of protest. My dad always told us to not worry about it.
That it was more about him than us.
My Grandma passed away a couple of years back and he spoke/officiated the funeral and made it about him. He said that he believed she passed into the kingdom of heaven because he finally gave her closure and apologized for all the unfaithfulness while they were married. He even apologized for writing child support checks and not giving them to her until she begged for them.
It killed me to hear people applaud him afterward.
Despite all this, my dad still wants me to attend his funeral [he passed a couple of days ago]. AITJ for setting boundaries and not wanting to go and hear people glorify this jerk at his funeral. My dad wants me to attend for him, but he despises his dad and only goes to his family and doesn’t talk smack.
I don’t care what they think because I’m not close with them anyway. Neither is he, really. I know it’s his trauma but having a kid put it in perspective for me and I can’t fathom leaving my child behind for anything. On top of that, he was a terrible person and grandpa to me.
Also, empathy.
Let me have it.”
Another User Comments:
“Funerals are about the living, coping with a loss, dealing with closure of a relationship that now exists in the past. Your grandad made grandma’s funeral about him. Make grandad’s funeral about your father. Attend. For him.
Help him come to terms with the end of what is clearly, a deeply and long-term stressful relationship.” Augustus_B_McFee
Another User Comments:
“Look, you don’t need to respect or like your late grandfather. He sounds like a pretty problematic guy. No blame there.
But, your father wants you to go. He has lost a parent, and that is hard even (sometimes especially) when you’ve had a hard relationship with them. Funerals aren’t for the dead, they are for the living. For that reason, YTJ if you don’t support your father through this very hard occasion.
Go for Dad, not for Grandpa.” Sweeper1985
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t owe it to anyone to go to the funeral of someone you had no real relationship with when the little you did have was awful. I’m firm on the idea that “sucking it up” for stuff like this isn’t worth it, you don’t actually ever have to, and you shouldn’t.
Funerals are for people who want to mourn and say goodbye. You have no need for either.” [deleted]
18. AITJ For Wanting To Leave My Dad's Business And Start My Own?
“My brother (31M) and I (29M) have worked in and out of my dad’s construction business our whole lives.
It is a very small business, yet extremely successful. We have both been working full-time with it as our career for the past 7 years.
My dad has made promises since the beginning that we would be making x amount of dollars and would-be owners. At the time this seemed like an opportunity that was impossible to pass up.
In the end, he would maintain 50% of the business with my brother and I splitting the other 50%. He could retire/take a backseat and enjoy an easy income while we run things. Eventually, he would sell or give us the rest for what made sense which would leave us all well off.
It’s been 7 years and neither of us owns any portion of the business and our salaries are still a ways below what was originally promised. We essentially run the business ourselves. Working with him has never been easy. He is a salty guy who says whatever he thinks.
He is pretty egoistic and looks down on most people. He isn’t afraid to let my brother and I have it if we make a mistake or upset him. I think we get it worse since we are his sons. We’ve managed to bite our tongues and get through the last 7 years with the hope of owning the company and making it our own.
The last two years since we have been basically running the company have had many talks about how to become owners. My dad changes his tune and goes back on previous promises which he can do because “he is the boss”. Last year he promised us each 5% which would pay itself off with the profit it earned. His valuation is crazy high so we wouldn’t even see anything from it for a few years.
He then took away the 5% offer at the end of the year because of a few things he nitpicked we weren’t perfect at.
He will pick tiny mistakes we make and use them as excuses why we aren’t ready to be owners. At least 75% of our work interactions with him leave us deflated, feeling like we are idiots, and unmotivated. It is a toxic environment.
It has gotten so bad to the point where we are both depressed at work. We are working long hours every day and are underpaid for all that we do. The future feels so unknown and the carrot on the stick is getting old.
My brother and I have discussed leaving the family business and starting our own.
We know we could do it—we have the contacts, knowledge, and experience needed to at least start with smaller-scale work.
We don’t want to ruin our relationship with our dad so we have been trying to think of ways to cut him in.
Maybe he refers us to jobs he doesn’t want and we give him a generous finders fee or we make him a minority owner and he can help provide starting cash but we would be in charge and run everything. Either way, he will be so angry because we are his retirement plan.
I’m afraid things will blow up and cause permanent damage. AITJ for wanting to leave him and start something else?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I would just break away and set up the new business. This isn’t going to end well no matter how you slice it.
No amount of conversations or asking or pleading is going to change this. Your dad isn’t going to be happy with the idea of giving you and your brother his business. He isn’t going to be happy with the idea of his underpaid labor leaving to start their own successful business that will compete with his.
**The only thing that will make him happy is if you keep working for him for pennies, hurting your own financial future, and that isn’t sustainable**. He knows very well he won’t be able to hire people to do the work you and your brother do for what he pays you, which is why he’s been trying to drag this out with empty promises.
I would leave and form your own business together and just be honest if he blows up, that you love him and it isn’t personal, that the two of you have to think about your financial futures and this business is his, not yours. He’s had seven years to bring you two in.
He’s not dumb. He knows exactly what he’s been doing.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Either get something in writing that he can’t back out of, or go start your own business if that’s what you want. And do NOT cut him in on anything, that’s just as bad or worse than what’s going on now and he’ll try and take control or ruin it for you to “keep you in your place”.
Either come to terms (without telling him you plan on starting something new if you can’t) or make a clean (business) break. Who knows, there’s a small chance he may respect it, but that’s just likely wishful thinking. Good luck.” SingularityMechanics
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your father has already ruined your family and business relationship with you and your brother. What is your father going to do? Scream? Yell? Belittle you? He’s already doing that! You can stay miserable, be depressed, work way too hard, be underpaid, and end up with nothing to show for it.
Or you can use the skills you have and start your own business. Your father will have himself to blame when you all become more successful than him.” Ill-Bird9180
17. AITJ For Being Upset With My Wife's Excessive Spending On Courses And Retreats?
“Me and my wife generally get along great, but every now and again she drops a bomb on me like “hey I’ve spent 1500 pounds on a Cacao facilitator course.” Now this would be fine if it happened every few years, and really contributed to her career (which some of these things do and some don’t).
For context:
– I earn about 33k GBP a year
– Wife earns 5 to 7k a year mainly through massage and running retreats
– We have 2 kids
– We have a reasonable-sized mortgage
Over the past 2 years, she has spent over 6300 GBP on courses and retreats, in my logical brain this is between 5 to 10% of our total household income and just too much.
Some of these courses have been great, such as her initial massage training, the majority of her income comes from that, in fact, the massage training cost is not included in the 6300 figure, this was years before. Other paid events she has done are 3700 quid on a coaching course, for which she has made some money back but certainly not all.
The rest is on retreats, a Tantra course, and other similar events. We also had a large argument about the 3700 quid course and liquidated savings to facilitate it.
Also for context, my personal purchases are minimal, I buy a PC game probably once every 2/3 months (150 quid this year so far estimate).
A nice bit of wood to do some woodwork, but that’s been 80 quid total this year. The only other thing is tools, but I generally use these to do things like to build a wood store for the house or other things that are “for the house”.
We discussed that any purchase over 100 pounds we would discuss first, she has just informed me that she has paid 800 towards this Cacao facilitator course and that we still need to pay the balance. Now, we are not screwed by any means, we have money in crypto and stocks, but not loads.
If we needed a new car or something we could buy that if we had to. We have a “spending” account where we buy food and pay bills and an “overflow” account where we save for other events, like a holiday or a new car.
Lo and behold both are basically empty, 1 to 200 in each. If something breaks we need to dip into savings, taking money out of ISA, etc.
We are also renovating our house next year and have savings to do so, although we are both slightly worried about the budget (me more than her obviously)
I write this in a bit of a rage as I can’t believe she has done this without telling me, that whilst winter is coming (3 to 400 quid monthly bills last year), our overflow and spending accounts are almost empty.
Am I the jerk? am I blinded by my anger?
I… just don’t get it, I would much rather go on a family holiday, or just have the money just in case, or invest it, or pay a bit off the mortgage. please help me understand, am I the jerk?? If it was to further her massage career where she genuinely makes money I would be all for it, I just worry that we won’t recoup these costs and that it’s more of a ‘nice thing for her’.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your salary isn’t high by any means and she barely brings in any income. On top of that, you have kids, a mortgage, and are renovating your home. She has gotten far too comfortable spending money your family cannot afford to lose.
“Stocks and crypto” can, and historically often have, drop to being worthless in the blink of an eye. She needs a major wake-up call.” Sebscreen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You said you guys have had the agreement that “anything over 100 pounds, you’d discuss first”. But it sounds like she had spent a significant amount over 100 without honoring that agreement and coming to you first. Instead, she told you AFTER she had spent it and left very little left over.
It’s understandable that you might feel frustrated and a bit stressed given that she not only didn’t confide in you, her ideas like you both agreed to do but that she left little left when you have so many other financial obligations that you both share, for the house, the family, etc.” Light_Seeker90
Another User Comments:
“First, what is a cacao facilitator? Your wife has a problem spending money. There IS an underlying issue. She has zero regard for finances. So my husband and his previous wife had a joint account. They would use $ for what you are doing, and expenses for the home.
Well, we have a store where everything is $1.25. Every day she would buy crafts saying she was making stuff to sell it gifts. They both were bartenders at places that were extremely busy. Would both be taking home $500-$700 a night? He was saving to build a house, well she would spend 25% of her daily income at the dollar store.
Long story short he divorced her for constantly taking $out of the savings for unnecessary things. Figure out her issue, it’s not good.” Nitropeanut3
16. AITJ For Wanting To Let My Grandma's Protege Stay With Us Against My Partner's Wishes?
“This might have to be long to make sense. I was raised by a single mother since I was 1. Because she had to work, my grandma would often watch me.
She was like my second mom, we were extremely close. When I was 13, I moved to the US. Went to high school, and college, got a job, and bought a house. I went back to visit my grandparents as often as I could. She was a saint.
She was one of the first OBGYNs in my country and she spent her whole life helping families. Even when she retired, people would call the house asking for her counsel.
Around 5 years ago, my grandma started caring for a boy (Bob). He had meningitis, I think?
He was very weak. His dad didn’t have money for the medication or proper nutrition. My grandma started buying him medication and making sure he got the care he needed. She got sick and recently passed away. I was a mess for months after. Fast forward to today, I found out Bob managed to get a student visa to the US.
He got accepted into a school in my state. My mom asked if he could stay with me. I know if my grandma was here, she’d ask personally. I live with my partner. It’s our home, but it’s my house. She doesn’t contribute to the housing expenses, but she pays for the groceries and dining.
She knows about my grandma, and how close we were. She helped me grieve when she passed. I explained the situation and asked if he could stay with us. She’s against it. I love my partner. I wouldn’t want to do something against her will.
But I know how much Bob meant to my grandma and how hard this kid’s life is. I’m sure he’s going into deep debt by coming here. His family can’t help. I know if this kid spends the rest of his life being a busboy in the US, he will have an infinitely better life than he would back home.
I could change a person’s life for the better with very little effort. More than that it’s just the thing to do in our culture.
My partner certainly didn’t mind benefiting from that culture. When her car broke down, she couldn’t afford a new one.
I called up one of my countrymen, who’s a mechanic. He went with her to see every car she wanted, did an inspection, and helped her pick out a great one. We’re still having a conversation. She sympathizes with Bob but doesn’t want him in her space.
I tried to come at it from a perspective she would understand. “What you’re saying is, you really want affordable housing, just not where you live?” That did it. She’s really passionate about affordable housing, so when I said that it was all, Wow you’re a jerk, that’s not comparable, you’re trying to manipulate me.
It should be mentioned, that his presence would be of minimal discomfort to us. He would be studying and working most of the time. He’s very polite and shy. He used to ask if he could have some water when he was staying with my grandma.
We have a split plan and a couple of bedrooms that are not being used. I want to help him, so WIBTJ if I let him stay with me over my partner’s protest?”
Another User Comments:
“Ywbta, I understand why your partner wouldn’t want a strange guy living with her.
Especially since she is the one home all day. I understand why you want to help him however are you okay if moving him in ends your relationship? You would be a jerk after she stated she isn’t comfortable.” lilwildjess
Another User Comments:
“YWBTA.
I think what you’d like to do is a good thing, but I can also empathize as a woman with possibly not being thrilled with the addition of a young stranger in her home. Home is a safe place, and this would disrupt that. Maybe she’d be able to get used to it, as it sounds like the disruption in your eyes would be minimal; but, have you asked her what exactly she’s concerned about changing?
Like…. not being able to walk around without clothes? Have to consider him when planning meals? Who does Bob’s laundry? Is Bob going to bring other young guys/friends or girls over? Etc. I would be a jerk of you in her eyes, to decide to move him in without her agreement, and if you do so, yes, it could mean a rupture or end in your relationship.” fallingintopolkadots
Another User Comments:
“YTA, yes, you would be. Look, if this is such a big deal for you, then you and your partner are just not that compatible. Also, another person living with you is not a mild discomfort, not to mention you said his family can’t help him out, so who is paying for everything?
Food for one thing and anything he needs to live with you. Also, who is going to pay if he needs to go to the doctor or hospital? Are you footing that bill if it happens if so I think your partner deserves a say” [deleted]
15. AITJ For Not Wanting My Sister's Partner To Move In With Us?
“I (20F) and my sister Mary(18F) currently live alone. Background-Our parents moved out to a foreign country for a year because of my father’s job.
It has been tough because I am a student at uni and also have a part-time job.
We live in a family house with a big garden, so we have lots of things to take care of (dogs, cats, fruit trees, greenhouse,…). And I am very mentally drained. I do almost everything on my own, which makes the relationship with Mary worse.
She said to my face that she thinks that I am acting unpleasant all the time, which I must agree with. Thankfully our grandparents often help us and my parents pay for all of our expenses.
My sister recently got a first significant other John(18M), and I am very happy for her.
They have been together for a month and he seems like a really nice guy and also very helpful. He cooked us dinner twice, mowed the lawn, and did the dishes.
We had a longer conversation only twice and I have a weird feeling about him, even though he is really nice to me.
Maybe it is because he’s a stranger, so it could get better in time, but I usually get on well with people and don’t have this feeling.
I like my own peace. I can’t relax when he plays loud music on a speaker. I confronted him and he turned it down a little, but I could still hear it in my room.
He casually told me that his family is complicated. His biological father supposedly forced himself upon his older sister when she was only 8 years old. And John’s mother then kicked her out at the age of 18, but I don’t know the reason why. His father is homeless and also a heavy drinker.
This made me worried, because every time I saw John at our place, he had a beer in his hand, and later on I found more bottles lying around.
His mother had a birthday party last Saturday and my sister was invited. The mother and other relatives got intoxicated and she literally kicked everyone out of the house-including Mary and John.
My sister Mary called our mom, asking what to do and she told them that John could sleep over at our house. But they didn’t want to travel late at night (it’s a 30-minute ride) so they slept over at John’s grandma. The following morning John packed his things and decided that from now on he would live with us.
They think that my mom allowed that, but I called her and she said that she meant that he can stay only until his mother cools down, not permanently.
Mary is leaving for 2 weeks to visit our parents, so he will probably stay at his sister’s place (28F) but she has 2 young kids and he said that when Mary comes back, he counts on us to let him stay.
I tried telling them that it was too soon, but my sister said that he had nowhere else to go.
My mom will be coming back home with Mary, but she’s very kind and I am afraid that she won’t be able to say no.
So WIBTJ if I told him to please move away, even though he has been nothing but kind so far and is helping around the house more than my sis?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell him no and mean it. Tell your sister no and mean it.
He has a family and he has friends and others he’s known longer than your sister and if he still can’t stay with them there is reason. Big Red Flag. NTJ does not let him stay there. Tell your parents your sister’s significant other is a freeloading, squatter and once he’s allowed to stay he’ll never leave.
Rather your sister be upset than you set yourself up for a painful prolonged eviction process.” Ireadanything
14. AITJ For Being Strictly Professional With My Co-Workers After They Made Fun Of Me?
“So I (D) joined as a digital marketing executive. We have a graphic designer(S), a web dev(K) for our website, and TL(R).
I joined this company about 2 months back. During my time I’ve always been a light-hearted guy who doesn’t make fun of others but instead makes others laugh.
Everything was fine for a while but for the past few weeks, the “jokes” that they(S and K) make were at my expense.
I had hot chocolate AFTER I had my lunch which was spicy. Admittedly it’s not the best food combination but I love hot chocolate. After lunch, K made fun of me when because I was a weirdo for having a “weird” taste. I laughed along because I wanted to be a good sport.
I was also called a friendless loser because I chose to go to a concert alone.
The final straw broke when they started to attack me for being a fun person. I was assigned a graphic design work by R. I have very little experience in graphic design and I was asked to ask S for guidance if needed. I was feeling a bit quirky that day I kind of goofed around a bit and made some hilariously bad posters for fun.
While S laughed with me she sent those to R who also had a laugh but warned me that I should start concentrating on the work. Then I took things seriously. Since I didn’t have a lot of experience I was asked to get feedback from S in regular intervals(about 45ish min) about my work to make sure I am not making a mess.
She would happily oblige. She never once told me that she was busy.
Once K came back from his 3-hour “break” S started making fun of me saying I was disturbing her by making jokes(even though she never once told nor implied that she was being disturbed) and showed the goofy design I made to prove how bad I am at GD.
I finally snapped when K said to R “If you make him sit next to me I will quit my job because I don’t want to sit next to a friendless psychopathic loser who disturbs my job”. I got quite mad. I said, “If my talking is your problem then I won’t talk”.
From the very next moment, I started to treat them strictly as my co-workers. No more jokes to lighten the mood. Now they’re calling me selfish because they’re bored without my jokes and calling me a whiny crybaby. I said to K that I was here to work and not gonna talk friendly with people who disrespect me.
They laughed when I said this. Then onwards they’re making passing comments whenever I do anything. I am thinking of asking R to not give me any more GD work doing this dumb stuff is ruining my actual work. I simply said this isn’t the scope of my job.
Remember I also have to send mail letters to almost 10k clients hard coded in HTML because they can’t “afford” to get a decent mailing service but they can afford to buy a Mac Pro for K even though his current PC can do the job perfectly fine.
R can’t fire me either because I am the only Digital marketing guy they have.
Now AITJ here??”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here — they are jerks sure. But you don’t seem to have a good sense of how you come off, and it seems you dove right into treating people like friends without getting a sense of the place.
You seem exhausting to work with, not knowing when to be serious and when to be light-hearted. They seem horrible to work with, and their jokes are mean-spirited.” Wanderlost404
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Keep it professional. They’re not your friends. They are work colleagues.
They were nasty, dismissive, and unkind. These are the consequences. Do your job and do it well. That’s what you were hired to do. They can go to a comedy club for jokes.” WielderOfAphorisms
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. There’s SO MUCH SPACE between “Cool it with all the joking” and “I will not have any humor ever again.” Now, I don’t blame you for being upset about what was said, that was hurtful.
Alternatively, I’ve never enjoyed that joker of a colleague as much as said colleague expects me to. it is annoying day after day, it does take up time, it does interrupt, etc. Even if there are good intentions it’s a lot. Because jokers rarely ever strike a good balance.
You’re in an office; that implies a level of professionalism you seem to need to find.” Fairmount1955
13. AITJ For Not Admitting My Approach Was Stupid To Avoid An Argument With My Husband?
“I (35f) wanted my husband (34m) and I to have a fun day together. We had been getting into little “tussles” for the past few months. We had been doing well and thought this would be a fun day for us.
On the way to the movie, I could tell he was about to start something that could turn into arguing. I was able to pivot and I could tell he realized it too and backed off.
After the movie, we went to HomeGoods thinking it’d be cheaper to get pots there rather than the plant store.
There ended up not really being any pots, I said we should just go to the plant store and get them there. No biggie.
The whole time I’m trying to be fun and laid back and flirty- just making sure we’re having fun.
He asked me if I knew how big each section of the plant stand was so we got an appropriate size pot that would fit each section. I said that I didn’t, and we kinda teased back and forth (I thought) about how “of course I didn’t know.”
He kinda keeps pushing it how it makes more sense to run home, measure, and then go to the store. While I agreed with him (out loud and told him this) that it technically WOULD be smarter, I really didn’t feel like it and knew I could just eyeball it as I knew what the sections of the stand looked like.
I thought we were having some fun teasing/being flirty about how I’m a little more “fly by the seat of my pants” kinda person and he’s a more “gotta be as accurate as possible” kinda person. Both in my opinion are fine ways to be.
The way he is comes in mighty handy sometimes.
On the way out of the store, I tell him fine, yes let’s run home and measure as I didn’t want to ruin the day by arguing about something that wasn’t a big deal. I made sure not to say this in an annoyed or mad kind of way.
When we get in the truck, he starts escalating which I was trying to avoid all day. He wants me to admit how it’s “stupid” to do this thing my way. I told him that while I don’t think my way is “stupid”, I agree that his way is technically smarter.
He wouldn’t let it go.
He really needed me to say out loud it was stupid. I kept saying I couldn’t say that because I didn’t genuinely believe that, and it didn’t matter anyway because I agreed to go home to measure so to let it go.
He cannot. He was basically insinuating that I was too prideful to admit I was “wrong”.
I almost had a panic attack because I just couldn’t handle it anymore. This has happened multiple times before and it just hit me. We got in a huge argument and didn’t end up going to the store at all.
We both eventually let it go, but I haven’t really been able to truly let it go if I’m being honest.
I’m very open to being in the wrong here. I feel like I’m able to say when I’m wrong, but I also know I can be defensive based on past trauma with my ex-husband (which he bases this kind of “behavior” me on).
AITJ?? Should I have admitted that my idea was stupid?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, just reading your post made me feel exhausted. Sounds like you are constantly walking on eggshells, trying to manage the atmosphere in your relationship and to manage your husband’s emotional reactions to prevent escalation.
Sounds unbelievably strenuous and unhealthy to me. Especially since he seems to have to bring u down….why are u even dealing with this and let yourself be treated this way?” MadameMimmm
12. AITJ For Getting Angry At Roommates For Disrespecting My Heirloom Quilt?
“I (27) moved in with my two partners April (31) and Jack (35), who already had a roommate named Ben (23).
Everything was great at first, we didn’t have a single problem. We all got along, with the exception of my cat, but she hates everyone anyway so that was fine.
Well, about a month into my living there, Ben asked if his partner Ryan (18) could move in because he was having trouble at home with his mother.
None of us knew he had a partner, and we all have our concerns about the age gap with how young Ryan is, but we told him yes on the condition that it be a temporary thing, just until he got his own place. I even lent them my great-grandmother’s quilt because they didn’t have any real blankets, with the condition that they keep it clean and safe as I was trusting them with something important and irreplaceable.
From the very beginning, Ryan has been trying to get us to let him drink, or insert himself into conversations that do not concern him, such as talking about bills or the home that my partners and I plan on buying in the future. I can forgive all of that because while it’s annoying, it’s not actually harmful.
But then Ben started missing work to spend time with Ryan, and thus not paying rent. April can’t work that much, so paying his portion of rent fell on Jack and me. And Ryan has been taking Jack’s PS5 for himself deleting video games to make room for other things, and ‘accidentally’ buying games and expansions on Fortnite using Jack’s card.
Then they started eating the ingredients I would buy for the purpose of cooking on my days off, because whoever has the day off cooks dinner in our house.
April begged us not to get mad and start a fight because Ben is her best friend, and she doesn’t have many friends.
Jack and I relented, but we’ve been getting more and more frustrated with the entire situation. Then one day I had to work the late shift, so I had a couple of hours to kill, so I decided to play some RDR2 in my room.
I got hungry, so I decided to go to the kitchen to make myself a snack.
What do I see in the living room? Ben and Ryan having full-blown intimate time on the couch. ON TOP OF MY 70-YEAR-OLD HAND-MADE QUILT. I was livid and screamed at them over it.
The one rule in the house so you keep private moments private and never let them happen in the communal space, and they broke it.
Told them they had to go to a professional cleaner to get it clean again, and they got mad at me for it.
After they got the blanket back, I stored it with my things and told them they were not allowed to use my stuff again. They’ve been giving me the silent treatment for weeks and won’t even acknowledge me if I’m in the room.
Jack thinks I’m in the right, but April thinks I was too harsh.
I can kind of see why, as I did call them irresponsible and disrespectful, as well as telling them I thought they were acting like children and making Ryan cry. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“It seems like you’re just upset with the overall situation, which is understandable, and the blanket was your breaking point.
But if I’m being honest, If this handmade heirloom quilt is so important to you I truly just don’t get why you lent it to them in the first place. No one- and I mean no one- will treat your prized possessions the way you do.
And frankly, blankets are generally washable. Can you imagine how many times the hotel sheets you sleep in have been intimate on? Doing it in the communal space, all the other problems, sure, you are definitely NTJ and they need to get their act together.
But you chose to give them this super important blanket when they could’ve gone to Walmart and gotten one for less than $20. Or you could have given them your bed comforter and used the quilt yourself. It’s time to address the real problems with the living situation and not use the blanket as the main point.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, That’s absolutely disgusting, flagrant disregard of the others living with them. You showed them kindness allowing them to use something of yours. However, I have to question your wisdom in letting them use a valuable blanket like that. No, let Ryan cry.
What they did was inappropriate and disrespectful.” mrsnastycanasta
11. AITJ For Not Accommodating My Friend's Last-Minute Plan Changes For Our Convention Trip?
“I (19F) and a friend S (19F) were planning on going to a convention together. I had been planning for this convention for around 6 months getting an Airbnb, tickets, etc in order.
S asked if they could come along around 3 months into planning after I arranged everything. We made a deal that they would cover $100 for lodging and pay for fuel. The plan was to leave a day before the convention so we could pick up our badges early and crash with a close friend of mine.
The main reason we were leaving so early was that I wanted to get registered for the cosplay contest since there were only 100 slots with over 50,000 people attending.
Due to all these working parts, it meant we were on a very tight schedule. The night before we were scheduled to leave S’s grandmother ended up in the hospital and S was debating coming.
After some things settled on their end they asked how far we could push back our leave time (OG was 9 AM). The latest we could leave and make it to badge pickup would be 10:30. At this point I couldn’t push it to the next day since I had made plans to help my friend with their cosplay that night.
However since I didn’t know the full situation and S was just waiting for a few tests I said we could leave around 11:00. This would mean we would miss badge pickup, be late to meet up with my friend, and would mean I couldn’t register for the costume contest. My deal breaker for the situation was that they wanted me to turn around at any time.
What I mean by that is at any point during our trip if their grandmother took a turn for the worse we would immediately pack up and head back home (which is a 7-hour car drive not to mention I had to run an errand for an employer which tacked on another hour.) I knew I couldn’t do this.
So I tried to explain that I just couldn’t do that and even offered to look into plane tickets or bus tickets. They told me that everything was fine and I planned on leaving at 11:00 AM the next day. When that day finally came everything seemed fine when I messaged them around 9 they seemed ready to go.
At 10:30 they messaged me and told me that they couldn’t come. At that point, I was a little upset since it meant a lot of things I had planned around them had to be rearranged, but due to the circumstances, I tried to be understanding.
I waived the Airbnb fee and wished them luck and that their grandmother would feel better. 10 min later while driving I got a message saying that I was being a bad friend for not waiting to leave and that if roles were reversed they would do it for me.
My family and friends kept telling me I did all I could and that the situation was just rough, but I still felt bad.
Let me know if I need to clarify anything or add more details.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Depending on what S’s grandmother was taken into the hospital for, I think it’s safe to say that the grandmother probably had other people to take care of her.
If S really wanted to prioritize helping her grandma, then she simply shouldn’t go on the trip. She can’t do both, she has to choose one. I think it’s super unreasonable to bother going on the trip if she’s willing to go back home at any given moment.
If she’s that concerned about her grandmother, then she should just stay behind.” AudienceFickle5811
Another User Comments:
“Your friend should be grateful to have someone as accommodating as yourself in her life. It’s a bad situation but it was never your responsibility and as you stated, you did all you could.
Your friend is feeling left out and sad but she shouldn’t focus those feelings on you. You didn’t do anything wrong. No jerks here” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You went above and beyond to accommodate a friend who was late to the arrangements to begin with.
Life happens and it sucks your friend couldn’t go but they should have been honest with themselves and you about the situation so you didn’t miss out on the things you had planned.” 2workigo
10. AITJ For Getting An Employee To Stop Sleeping In Our Office?
“I’m a receptionist- my company rents out an entire floor of the building, but we sublet the individual rooms we aren’t using to smaller businesses. Part of my job involves dealing with the people we rent office space to, as well as general management of the floor like keeping it clean and such.
One of our renters emailed my boss and me recently with a list of suggestions for the office, a handful of small things she’d like to see improved in the space. One of the things she mentioned though, was that she was often coming in to see that one of the couches in our common area had missing cushions- not pillows, cushions.
I personally had never seen this happen, but I know this person comes into the office very early in the morning (5:30 AM ish) and she claimed the cushions were being put back before I get in for the day.
So I decided to check our security camera system to see if I could figure out who was doing it.
I finally spotted it, two nights ago. At 12:30 AM, an employee of another one of our renters is seen removing the cushions off the couch. Scrolling forward, I find him putting it all back just after 9 AM, shortly before I would get in for the day but after several other people have arrived in the morning and would’ve seen the couch missing its cushions.
I went back to see if I could see what he was doing with the cushions, and I found footage of him bringing it into a vacant room. This room is one of our largest, and very recently belonged to a renter of ours who moved out a few weeks ago.
We already have someone new planned to move in at the start of August, and so obviously that room needs to stay clean until then.
It was then I remembered that I had this guy come up to me a few weeks ago to ask if he could “store something” in the common area, to which I kinda shrugged and said, “I don’t see why not.” The next day, two luggage bags showed up in the common area.
I thought nothing of it at the time because this guy was known to travel for work a lot, but wouldn’t you know it, checking the security cameras there’s footage of him going through that luggage at night, confirming it’s his.
My boss is furious about this and is taking measures to prevent him from sleeping here again.
He’s contacted this guy’s boss, who said he had no clue it was happening and would “discuss this” with him soon. It’s clear he’s been doing this for at least a few weeks now, and had it not been for our other renter mentioning the couch being messed up, neither I nor my boss probably ever would have noticed he was doing this.
I ultimately have very little say over what happens to this guy, but I can’t help but feel bad– he’s obviously going through something rough if he’s trying to live in our office. I obviously understand why he’s not “allowed” to be doing this, but part of me really wants to help him out somehow.
So, will my boss and I be the jerk for getting this guy to stop sleeping in our office?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ What he is going through is sad however it isn’t your job (literally) to provide him with somewhere to live. No doubt it breaks all kinds of rules regarding insurance and if you allowed it you would likely be voiding the service agreements you have for the building.” Personal-Listen-4941
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sometimes you hear about these kinds of things. Someone’s spending the night at the office, and has done so for a while, then the boss finds out and puts a stop to it immediately. There are legal and liability issues for the owner to have someone living in a building not zoned/insured as residential. *It puts the owner, all the businesses, and everyone who works in the building at risk*.
You were right to report it, your boss is right to action it, and nothing that happens to that guy is your fault” Natural_Garbage7674
9. AITJ For Leaving A Wedding After Being Yelled At For Discussing Underage Cousin's Drinking?
“My wife moved in with her Aunt & uncle as a teen but has since grown apart after moving towns for university. We visit them twice a year and they do not visit us.
They make 0 effort to keep in contact with us.
I and my wife got married last year with the ceremony & reception being at the same venue. My wife has stated that her aunt, uncle & some cousins make her anxious but in order to keep the peace we invited all her cousins and not just the ones we liked. The day went very smoothly.
Until the reception, when we found out that my wife’s 15-year-old cousin had dropped & smashed 2 glass bottles and was stumbling around the place. It was only then that we found out that she had smuggled in a flask of pure gin and had been spiking her own drinks for the entire day.
As she is underage, she couldn’t go to the bar. This not only caused a scene, with my family making comments but also put the venue’s liquor license at risk. When we asked why she would do that, my wife’s Aunt dismissed us replying along the lines of “Oh she’s just being a Smith” *surname* We reserved our opinions and left it at that.
We traveled a 6-hour round trip during the year to surprise the aunt on her birthday. We were at the party for a few hours before the aunt came to speak with us. Even then it was just small talk. Also, they did not wish my wife a happy birthday but instead planned their wedding anniversary on the day.
(Even though the actual anniversary date was days after)
This past weekend, it was our favorite cousin’s wedding. The wedding was hosted at their house and cocktail kegs were set up with spouts as a bar. The day went smoothly and my wife was social but took breaks to help with anxiety.
Towards the end, my wife’s aunt (mother of the groom) sat down next to us and spoke with us while they were making awkward small talk. I noticed that the same cousin from last year (now 16yr) was on her knees, in the garden, with her mouth around the nozzle of the keg just straight chugging it.
The aunt did not see this. Her aunt then off the cuff mentioned how the cousin is such a “wildflower.” My wife then stated the smuggling of booze and breaking glasses as a way of agreeing. Maybe it was my wife’s tone, but her aunt then snapped and raised her voice shouting “DON’T BE SO JUDGEMENTAL, DON’T BE SO DARN JUDGEMENTAL” and stormed off into the house.
This triggered my wife’s anxiety and we then went over to the bride and groom and told them that we had to take off as we were tired and thanked them for the day. However, we just didn’t want to make a scene at our favorite cousin’s wedding and thought it best to just remove ourselves in case she went off again.
I imagine that the aunt has told the story to all the cousins and painted us in a bad light.
My wife is now stressed thinking that we ruined the day and that we should have just agreed and not said anything.
AITJ”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but seriously, you need to cut these people out of your lives if their behavior stresses you both out so much. You both sound like pretty fragile people, and the aunt obviously intimidates you both. So, just cut the contact with her. Especially if the aunt has a negative impact on your wife’s mental health.” AdDangerous5081
Another User Comments:
“NTJ-neither of you “called out” the kid. You mentioned the behavior and that’s it. I wouldn’t worry about it but I wouldn’t willingly see the aunt and kid if you can help it. That kid is already a screw up and the stories are going to get worse as she gets older.
I also don’t think you should have left the wedding. The aunt already went into the house, all you had to do was make nice with everyone else for the rest of the event. It’s not like she would have willingly talked to you again, so there wasn’t anything to deal with.
Plus, by leaving, you gave your aunt free rein to talk about the situation with anyone she wanted to. As far as the rest of the family is concerned, any stable person is not going to think poorly of you for anything that happened. Maybe an unstable, childish adult might, but their positive opinion is hardly worth having anyway.” OkSeat4312
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you were right to leave, you and your wife didn’t ruin anything. Her Aunt knows what’s going on and is already making excuses for the young cousin vs dealing with the behavior. Many young people don’t behave with this sort of binge drinking behavior.
Experimenting is what I consider normal behavior, but this, in the presence of family/extended family at a celebratory event is more than just experimenting. Unfortunately, I see no good coming from discussing or trying to deal with this situation with the aunt. Again NTJ.” many_hobbies_gal
8. AITJ For Canceling A Family Trip Due To My Mother's Toxic Behavior?
“I, F 29, moved out of state and 2,000 miles away from home two years ago. Back home I left a brother (24), Mother (53), and stepdad (52). Part of the reason for my move was to find peace and to follow a healthier and happier life for myself or a fresh start if you will.
I have done really well since leaving. I have made my dreams a reality by owning my own home, having two dogs to run around and play with, a thriving career, great friends, and even a really healthy relationship. All of this was only made possible through therapy to overcome past traumas and be a healthier adult, personal sacrifice, and just head down hard work.
Current: My parents had decided to come out to visit while I was also hosting my brother. We were all really excited about the new family trip so they could see my house, meet my partner, and just all be together. One week out from their trip I received a call from Mom that it would only be her coming.
I asked her if everything was okay, if she was okay, etc. only to realize that she was on one of her intoxicated/angry benders and claiming that my dad had been unfaithful to her.
Now this isn’t the first time this has happened. Actually at minimum once a year for the past four years and sprinkled through our childhood, my mom blows up and throws our entire family into chaos for one reason or another and blames my dad.
This can result in household items being broken, thrown, or all of the above. It can be bank accounts closed, checkbooks ripped up, her disappearing for a month, and if she sticks around it’s often a mix of either silent treatment, being guilted, or being yelled at if you don’t support/agree with her feelings and behavior.
The past two years during the yearly episodes, I attempted to try and talk to her and offer her tools that I had learned in therapy to try and help since she refuses to go herself or with him. It never helps and I’m left having to be the bad guy by drawing boundaries and being the only one to stand up to her and her behavior.
In the end, everyone but me pretends it never happened.
So after careful discussion with my brother after learning we were in the middle of yet another yearly episode, we informed our parents that we were making the decision to cancel the family trip for all parties.
My brother would continue to stay with me and we requested that they handle their relationship together and without us in the middle of it. And more than anything let them know that we both supported their health and happiness in whatever manner they choose.
However, once again I’ve been blown up by my mother for this decision and boundary. She says that I am a terrible daughter. I am a selfish daughter. And How dare I not support her? And more so she believes that I am taking a side even when I/we have clearly stated that we just don’t want to be in the middle of yet another family catastrophe.
So AITJ for not supporting my mom and instead just staying away and distancing myself from it all?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your brother wants to get away and try to better himself, that’s great of him. Your mom is choosing to remain how she is and even though you try to give her all the tools and advice, she has to actually want to listen.
And she doesn’t. It’s normal for her to lash out at the family member that’s doing well for themselves because she’s jealous.” DainaEmmons
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother clearly has a lot of issues, and setting a boundary about not getting in the middle of it all is perfectly reasonable, for you and your brother.
It’s great that you’ve offered her the tools to try to help herself, but maybe this is something that just can’t work in the midst of her blow-up. Do you think she may be in a better place to be receptive to help if you wait until it has all calmed down again and then address how this is a regular thing and you would like to help her work on it so it doesn’t keep happening?” Jolly-Bandicoot7162
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I did the exact same thing. My mother does this on a monthly basis and has zero proof my dad is being unfaithful. I’m pretty sure this had been going on for 10 years. I even hired a PI who found nothing, and that wasn’t good enough.
I told her to get a divorce if she was so sure and she refused. My dad won’t leave her because he knows I’ll feel guilty enough to be saddled with taking care of her (because she really can’t take care of herself). My brother has no contact with her and is only polite to her at major family events (she blames my dad for turning him against her).
She’s ruined all our lives and she is somehow still the victim. I haven’t gone NC cause she will also blame my dad and make his life even more miserable. Parents really have a way of digging into your psyche even when you know they’re in the wrong.
Now I keep all conversations superficial and whenever the ranting starts, I interrupt with an I’ve got to go and hang up. It’s helped with the mental health. It’s hard to go NC, but I encourage you to maintain your distance” porkypandas
7. AITJ For Making A Joke About My Husband's Amputation At A Family Gathering?
“A few months ago, my(27F) husband (28M) had to have his left leg amputated below the knee as a result of a car accident. Things were understandably rough going for a while but he is doing well now and we have both been adapting.
My husband is sort of one of those people where nothing can fully derail his positivity, and this proved amazingly true for this situation. He is the same person as ever, which happens to be a very goofy and humorous person (we both very much enjoy comedic things of all forms).
Also, I know this is an extremely strange and unlikely coincidence and I’m sure many people will not believe this post for this reason, but we also happen to be very big fans of the entire How To Train Your Dragon series (not just for kids I will fight you on that).
We have been for years. For those of you who may not know, the main character, Hiccup, of HTTYD is missing the lower half of his left leg. I am only describing all this because it matters to the situation.
Two weeks ago we were both supposed to attend his cousin’s wedding, but he was feeling sick so he decided not to go and I went alone.
I was sitting at a table with his parents and his siblings and their spouses. These are people that I have known for a long time and generally get along with. I hadn’t realized it until I was there, but neither me or my husband had seen much of them since the accident (we live far from them), so they were all inquiring about how he was doing.
I knew they were just worried about him and wanted to make sure he is okay.
But in the course of telling them that he was doing fine, I let slip a vaguely untasteful joke. Not word for word, it was something along the lines of “besides, now our Hiccup and Astrid costumes will be great this Halloween”.
As I said, my husband and I enjoy our humor and I know that this is exactly the sort of thing he would find funny (I did tell him what I said later and he burst out laughing and was not offended).
However, this comment did not go over well with the table.
My mother-in-law was especially upset, telling me that it’s horrible to make jokes about his disability and that I should be more sensitive. Sister-in-law starts on some long lecture about ableism (which, for the record, she is not an expert about). And of course, by grand fate, he wasn’t there to assure them that what I said didn’t bother him.
I honestly had no idea what to say as I did not expect them to react so severely. But I also stubbornly refused to apologize or try to ease things.
At first, I just thought I was in the right, but this exchange has been haunting me over the past two weeks as the family is still quite angry with me.
I think on some level I could have recognized that what I said could be perceived as inappropriate in that setting. AITJ for making this joke and upsetting the whole family? AITJ for not apologizing after it was clear I upset everyone?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. . . If HE is ok with it, then thats the only opinion that matters… THAT being said…. IF he likes a good joke at his expense you can do the following: give him a work application to IHOP…. next time he looks tired tell him he looks like hes worn down to his last leg…..
ask him if he likes beer, and inform him its because of the hops….. tell him he doesnt need to go to an ATM to check his balance anymore….. ask him if he knows how an asthmatic stoner and 1 legged rock climber have in common : the answer is getting high…..
and to top it off get him a peg leg, an eye patch, and enroll him in MIT’s pirate certification program.” MontanaWildWiman
Another User Comments:
“There is an unspoken rule that the only person who can make fun of a disability is the person who has that disability.
When they do it society views them as brave, when everyone else does it it is offensive. I personally think it’s great you have that relationship with your husband but there is a time and place and social event like a wedding where you have family you don’t see often is not one of them.” bentscissors
Another User Comments:
“May be unpopular here, but I’m going to say YTJ. Not for making the joke, but for your refusal to apologize or try to ease the situation. You made what you thought was an innocent joke, with no ill intent. Your in laws don’t have the same understanding of the situation as you, and were offended. Their feeling offended is not unreasonable, based on their perspective.
If that were the end of it, there would be No jerks here, just a misunderstanding. But since you made the joke that led to the misunderstanding, it is your responsibility to clarify the situation, and apologize if necessary. Your refusal to do so makes you the jerk.” anyname6789
6. AITJ For Not 'Keeping The Peace' With My Brother?
“For context, I used to be a pretty serious heavy drinker but this I was after I slowed down. My brother, however, has zero self-control.
That said, I was visiting my brother and SIL.
I had probably one, maybe two, drinks and wasn’t remotely intoxicated but when we were all getting ready for bed. My brother came in, clearly intoxicated, and chose that time to pitch a fit because I moved a chair so the blow up bed could be next to the wall plug for my phone (makes sense, right?) Well, apparently he disagreed.
He started yelling and my mom responded by getting between us. He said I was a loser and a mooch because I lived with our parents, (Side note: I had no choice but to move back after my divorce and currently had a job and paid the bills I had, phone, car, etc.) He told me I should grow up or I would never amount to anything.
That’s when I unleashed and said he was just a loser who gets wasted and is mean to his wife and neglects his kids. So he pointed out my drinking and I admitted I had been but that I had a clear enough mind to point out his hypocrisy and call him on his nonsense when no one else would.
He hits walls and calls his wife fat then sleeps all day while she does everything for the kids and house. She had been quiet the whole time which in retrospect her not wanting to get involved and add to the drama made sense.
Eventually I left and had to take meds to stop a panic attack.
My mom told him he was wrong and he eventually came outside and offered a “peace offering” by handing me a smoke, I don’t smoke and told him I didn’t want it, I wanted an apology.
Around Christmas my mom almost had me convinced to go to visit for the holiday and I had some really great gifts for my nieces, whom I adore, and wanted to see their faces when they opened them.
Not long before I messaged my SIL about something for the girls. She was asleep so naturally my intoxicated brother decided to answer. He admitted it was him and said “I’m not gonna apologize for what I think is true but you’re still welcome in my home.”
At that point I plainly told him to go away and blocked him across the board, then I decided I wasn’t going and even picked up a shift at work so I couldn’t change my mind.
My mom wanted me to let it go to “keep the peace” and that he was intoxicated and didn’t mean it but when you’re drinking you stop listening to your inner filter and the truth comes out.
My dad told me I was just being immature and should stop acting like this. Naturally, I was hurt that no one was on my side and always made excuses for him when I was held responsible for my actions.
I didn’t go to Christmas and was sad because I only got to see pictures of my nieces opening their presents.
Since then we managed to VERY slowly repair our relationship but this really sticks with you even after you’ve forgiven them.
So AITJ for not “keeping the peace”?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH (sort of). Your brother needs help with his heavy drinking and is not dealing with his issues in the correct way.
That is bad and the way he acts is unacceptable. That is not on you. Where I think you fall a little into the jerk territory is that you seem to be intent on him apologizing and you’re impacting other members of your family through this.
While it was a pretty poor attempt he did try to make a peace offering. You don’t have to let him bully you or push you around but maybe try to let go of the grudge, it will help you to feel better.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ they’re not on your side because you’re the boat rocker. You don’t kick up a fuss. You don’t have tantrums and say mean things when you’re told no. It’s much easier to gang up on you than deal with holding your brother accountable” Imnotawerewolf
5. AITJ For Refusing To Sleep In My Room Due To A Wasp Nest?
“I (F20) still live with my parents in my room on the second floor. I have a fear of flying insects of a certain size, wasps being one of them.
Two weeks ago, we have discovered that a wasp colony built its nest inside my room’s blinds’ shutter box. Because of how the blinds work, I can’t even operate them anymore. The belt the blinds are connected to is wide, going into the wall on two separate ends.
When pulling on it, some dark gray clumps can be seen on the belt. I’m almost sure that those are parts of the nest. Due to my country’s laws (Germany), we are forbidden from taking personal action.
Throughout the day the wasps make creaking, crackling, and scratching noises that can be clearly heard through the wall, even at night.
They used to quiet down at night and I was still able to stay and sleep in the room thanks to that. However, just a day ago from writing this, they expanded a small hole in the wall and found their way inside the room.
We managed to patch it back up with what I believe is silicone but the room just doesn’t feel safe at all anymore. For the past few days (even before creating/squeezing through the hole), they have been loudly making noise in the wall 24/7 to the point where I had a panic attack last night due to how loud it was getting.
So I went to the living room to sleep there instead.
The second we noticed the nest we called pest control and they were supposed to come today but canceled last minute yesterday (when we found and patched the hole in the wall) and now I have to live with this another week.
I refuse to sleep in my room, let alone stay there for long. The wasps constantly crackle and buzz in the wall and the noise terrifies me to no end. Although it’s not possible, I’m horrified at the thought that they may break through the wall or whatever else.
Thus, I took my stuff and settled down in the living room for now. While gathering what I wanted/needed, I listened for the noises and sure enough, they were persistently there (only a short period of silence before starting up again). I can’t turn on my fan in the room either because the scraping gets louder if I do.
I get the feeling that my parents think I’m being overly dramatic about all this. Whenever I talk about how awful I find the situation or voice my frustration about the delayed pest control appointment, they say something dismissive like “Yeah that sucks” or “Not like they can get inside anymore” and seem to think that my migrating to the living room isn’t necessary.
Just today my mother told me that it seemed to her like I was “wallowing in self-pity” when I told her how I wanted to go back in my room but couldn’t. So I was wondering: Am I being unreasonable? Am I the jerk for occupying the living room like this when it’s not actually that bad?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I seriously don’t know how you can be a jerk, I mean wasps are terrifying, and based on what you gave us to read I’m not see any problem with sleeping on the couch since no one is going to use it when they’re sleeping.” dumpster_diving_man
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I wouldn’t feel comfortable or safe with that, hopefully, it gets resolved soon. It’s not as if you are permanently moving into the living room, it’s not as if you prefer being in the living room, obviously,y you would like to have your bedroom back.
It’s not unreasonable to be framed out by a wasp nest practically in the room with you. Ask your parents if they would sleep in there. If they are breaking through the wall and getting inside that’s a deal breaker for me.” Fine_Historian_4212
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for moving into the living room. I have a similar phobic fear of wasps, and there’s no amount of money you could pay me to spend a night in that room. The idea of hearing them makes my skin crawl. I don’t think I’m too biased though – I’d feel similarly if you described hearing a family of rats and said you had a fear of rodents or something.
However, I can imagine that they may be pretty tired of you complaining about it. There’s nothing they can do. It’s a bad situation, but at a certain point you need to suck it up and just accept that this is your situation for a little while longer.” delugedirge
4. AITJ For Wearing A Blue Wedding Dress Despite My In-Laws' Disapproval?
“I 23F am married to my 34 husband. I had my wedding 2 days ago I wore a blue wedding dress. But, my husband’s family is very traditional and hardcore Christians. They forced me to have my wedding on a Sunday and have it at a church.
While I hated the idea of having a church wedding, I didn’t want to start any problems with my in-laws since they already weren’t on good terms with me. When dress shopping, I took a few bridesmaids, my mom, and my mother-in-law. It was hard.
Nothing I wore could please anyone. But, I went off and looked on my own and found the perfect dress. It was blue and absolutely beautiful. But I knew my mother-in-law would hate it. So I left the place with no dress and on the next few days kept going to try on more, but I couldn’t get my mind off the blue one.
So I went with my mom and got the blue one. I told my mother-in-law that me and just my mom went out and got a dress and when she saw that text she demanded I send her a picture. I sent her a picture of the blue one and she went crazy.
She said that I was being an idiot and was gonna look ugly on my wedding day. She also said that I wasn’t pure and that’s probably why I was gonna wear a nonwhite dress. She said that she was gonna go out on her own and get a dress for me and that she better see it on my wedding day.
The dress she wanted me to wear was very modest, to say the least, it had long sleeves a high neckline, and was poofy. It was also bright white. When I told my husband this he just laughed it off saying that she was probably joking and to not care what she said.
On the day of the wedding, everyone came and when it was my time to walk down the aisle in my blue dress I was stressed out. I was so worried about what my mother-in-law would say about me not wearing what she wanted. But I eventually went down the aisle and I remember hearing her gasp when she saw me and during my and my husband’s vows I saw her just giving me this look.
But nonetheless, I got married and after the wedding, I got a text for my mother-in-law saying that I was not a part of the family and I could never be around the family as I wasn’t pure and was a sinful jerk. I told my husband what she said and he laughed it off saying she’ll get over it.
Over the past two days, I’ve gotten nonstop texts from not only my mother-in-law but from my sister-in-law as well. And yesterday my husband got a text from his mom demanding that we get a divorce as she believes I am “ruining his soul”. But even though despite knowing it’s my wedding I still feel bad.
I want to be a part of the family even though they’re a little much and to be approved by them. And I feel like maybe I should’ve worn the white dress. So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ white wedding dresses only became a thing in the 19th century.
It’s not one of the Ten Commandments. It’s nothing to do with Christianity. You have to like your wedding dress and feel beautiful in it. Your in-laws opinion doesn’t matter. It’s silly of them to make a fuss about it.” zeugma888
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
why bother being a part of such toxicity? Approved by them? Hon do not set yourself on fire to please others, especially your mother-in-law. You give an inch and she’ll trample all over you. Your husband needs to stop laughing it off and step up to put some boundaries in place.
He seriously needs to stop downplaying his mom’s vile reactions.” HazyLazySummer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your wedding. You set the tone. As for your husband’s family butt out and don’t force their view on you. You should not bend backward to accommodate them simply because they have already made their decision and no matter what you do they will find something to disparage you with.
Even though you want to I feel it is best to not associate with your husband’s family. I hope your husband will stand by you.” macross1984
3. AITJ For Not Wanting To Live With My Unhappy, Difficult Mother?
“I’m 34 and my mother is 68. My mother hasn’t worked in a long time due to health issues and has been living in a rent-gear-to-income apartment building. About 7 or 8 years ago she moved into her current building, a senior building.
She is not happy there, it is a very toxic group of people living there.
Imagine kinda being back in high school and having different cliques that treat others poorly, so if you’re not in the main one you’re treated like trash.
Probably within a couple of years of moving there she started asking me to find a place together and move in together.
I never wanted to as, while I do love my mom, she is very difficult to live with. Everything has to be done her way and on her schedule.
Even when I lived with her as an adult, everything had to be done when she wanted (wake up when she wanted, go to bed when she wanted, eat when she wanted, shower when she wanted, etc.).
This led to lots of fighting, especially since I’m the type of person who does stuff whenever.
I’ve always declined this as I know I won’t be happy and that will make my mother unhappy and we will fight a lot.
A couple of years ago there was a big staff changeover at the building as well, and the new staff are not at all friendly.
For example, we had lots of smoke last month, and my mother has asthma. She asked the maintenance person if they could stop bringing outside air in as it was bringing in a lot of smoke. He told my mom no, that they wouldn’t since there is a $100 fee every time they turned the air system on or off and she was the only one that ever wanted it on or off.
He later turned it off but the rumors spread around the building my mom had forced him by going over his head and he was saying he would not turn it back on and it caused a lot of people to be very upset with my mom.
My mom has also had a few very unpleasant encounters with the cleaner, starting with one where she saw keys hanging out of a staff-only door, so she knocked to let the person know who started yelling at my mom and telling her not to talk to her and to take it to the office.
My mom’s health has also started to go downhill in the past few months. Today she asked me again if we could find a place to live together. I still don’t want to. Not just because I anticipated issues living together but also because of the cost of rent.
Because I’ve been in my building for so long I pay much less than current market rent. If we found a place together I would be paying almost the same amount as I currently do. With my mom’s health, I honestly don’t know how much longer she has, and if she passes I would then be paying almost double the amount of rent as I currently am, or if I found a one-bedroom I’d be paying about 50% more than I currently am.
So I guess, AITJ for not wanting to find a place with my mom?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you don’t want to live with your mom, don’t. That’s OK. You don’t have to sacrifice your sanity for her. And, if her health is going downhill, would you be put in the role of caregiver?
That can be overwhelming even if you aren’t working full-time. If she is toxic enough to have poisoned the well with you, there is a strong possibility she’s the same at the facility she’s in. You’re getting her version of why people don’t like her there.
Toxic people manipulate their version of events to get sympathy.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom is in a tough situation that probably does need to change; that doesn’t mean you’re a jerk that a particular solution – living together – doesn’t work for you.
Besides the emotional issues and incompatibility, this would have a huge financial implication for you to leave a place you’re renting for below-market. There must be other options – other senior buildings or facilities, maybe a small place in the same building you are in, etc.?
I realize this is hard and I won’t have THE solution for you, but my point is that living together isn’t the only answer.” owls_and_cardinals
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It sounds like your mom is in a bad situation, but moving in with you probably wouldn’t be the right answer.
On top of the financial strain, the fighting would probably strain the relationship you have with your mother and be toxic for both of you. I would recommend trying to find a different senior building or retirement community. If you do decide to move in with her, make sure you talk to her beforehand.
You should be setting clear boundaries and expectations about what living together would be like.” AMac50000
2. AITJ For Defending My Wife Against Her Mother After Our Baby's Birth?
“The day we got home they had seemed to get into an argument about how her mother, my MIL was not being there for emotional support.
She was hurrying trying to get people on the phone to talk to my wife, making comments like, “Why are you hiding your baby from your brothers and sisters, they just want to say congratulations to you?” Of course, my wife was in too much pain and exhausted to even give the thought of being there for anyone else.
Secondly, as we were exhausted we woke in the night to MIL co-sleeping and throughout the day trying to kiss the baby after the doctor said “no.”
We Skyped the family when we got home. MIL made remarks that she was not enjoying her new baby and she ruined her introduction of the baby with her family.
Of course, they got into a fight after those comments. We retired to our room. Shortly after, MIL burst into our room without knocking, yelling at my wife in another language, while I was holding our now 3-day-old. And the only comment I made was “I have a 3 day-old in my arms.” And she left. The next day she made a comment about how she was “so” sorry and didn’t think coming into our private room was a big deal.
When I got back from the airport dropping my mom off. Later we found out she had ubered to the grocery store because “we wouldn’t give her our cars.” She told the family for a number of reasons we were mean.
My wife said something along the lines of, “If you can’t be here for me, why are you here?” during an argument with the MIL.
The following day, the MIL stated she bought her return plane tickets because the wife wanted her out of our house. Also, said in another language in front of me to my wife. But I could not understand. I just saw my wife break down into tears.
The MIL came and tried to comfort the wife. Said, “Do you want to talk privately?” Again in another language in front of me. My wife immediately got mad and started yelling at the MIL and MIL yelled back. Baby woke up and started crying and I finally had enough.
Less than 1 week postpartum and a newborn baby I just couldn’t handle people yelling or causing us stress. I yelled back at MIL.
MIL and I got into a big argument. I said things like “Your daughter just gave birth and needed you here for some support and you can’t even do that.
And you are so eager to leave and fly back.” The MIL was just yelling saying “I’ve known her my whole life, she’s evil, she is abusive.” There was a lot of yelling and swearing to god that occurred. And I have never yelled at an elder from my family.
She went upstairs and packed her bags. The wife tried to stop her but I told her if she wanted to leave so badly let her leave. She opened the door on her own and left.
My wife’s side of the family is not talking to her and not once have asked about our new baby.
AITJ for defending my wife and causing family to hate/ignore us?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – wait, wait, back up. Your mother-in-law when you confronted her about how she was not supporting her daughter, yelled ‘She is evil, she is abusive’ about her daughter?
And all of that after she seemingly started yelling matches in front of a 3 day-old? I mean, if your mother-in-law is always like that or similar, is that the influence you want around your child or constantly around your child? I think you stepped in as a loving husband and father and you may have stepped on some toes or overstepped some boundaries (cultural or otherwise) but were understandably tired and wanted to defend your family from emotional stress.
You probably also didn’t use the right words or tone or volume, but that is understandable and minute to your mother-in-law’s actions.” Halifar26
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Gramma leaves town for the win! Don’t feel bad you two. This was a weight on your already newborn parent exhausted backs.
The good news is that you can reach out to a sibling who you think might be sympathetic. But if no one contacts you, it’s still a win. Anyone who buys her snake oil is someone you don’t need in your family life. Not every family is nurturing and loving, but there are nurturers out there.
You will encounter and treasure them despite the lack of blood ties. Get some therapy and have a happy loving life.” Some_Range_9037
1. AITJ For Refusing To Visit My Parents Until They Visit Me?
“I (33M) live 9 hours drive away from my parents, a 1.3-hour flight away.
I make an effort to visit my parents twice a year.
My mom(61) last came to visit me in 2015, & has refused to visit since, because I live in a major Metropolitan area & getting to the airport during rush hours is a potential 2-hour drive.
During non-rush hour traffic, it’s about 1-hour drive. My mom doesn’t like to sit in the car for that long so she’s refused to visit me. Since I got married (2018), her other reason has been that I have dogs & she doesn’t like dogs. She gets along well with my dogs but still refuses to visit on that reasoning (my wife and I took our dogs with us when we went to visit my parents one time, and she loved my sons Gandalf and Dumbledore to the point that she spent more time talking to and playing with them than she did me.) Mom even refused to visit when I was hospitalized for a week.
I can understand her preference but her hypocrisy is what bothers me. My sister lives a 12-hour drive away, also has dogs, & lives just as far away from the airport during on and off traffic hours. Yet my mom visits her at least twice a year.
Time off work isn’t a concern since my parents are mostly retired & visit their business maybe twice a month. My stepfather also refuses to visit unless it’s with my mother, at her behest.
I keep my home very clean & comfortable. My mom gets along extremely well with my wife to the point that she considers my wife one of her closest friends.
I have a 2nd fully stocked kitchen that my mother can have food made in since she’s vegetarian, & I’m not. This is not something my sister has. There aren’t any personal issues between my mom & me that would be the cause of her not visiting.
But she still refuses. To everyone, she says it’s because of how far I live from the airport and because she doesn’t like dogs.
My wife has been asking my mom to visit since we got together. For my birthday, my wife literally begged my parents to visit us & surprise me, but they still refused. I found out about this the day after my birthday when my wife let me know due to what happened on my birthday 3-way call from my mom and sister.
Over the last year, I’ve opted not to visit my parents at all because I’ve seen the pain in my wife’s eyes every time my parents refuse to visit. Since 6 days ago, my stepdad had a fever that has him requiring assistance to walk. My mom asked me to come visit, but I told her I wouldn’t, & suggested she ask my sister instead.
When my mom asked me why I was being a jerk, I told her it was because she made my wife literally beg & cry so we wouldn’t be visiting until they came to visit us.
My mom said “Okay” & hung up on me.
Since then some of the family members have messaged me showing support for me standing firm while others have said I’m being a jerk and petty by not visiting despite my stepdad being sick. I’m torn, so I defer to you… Am I being a jerk by refusing to visit?”
Another User Comments:
“I definitely think that you’re in the right looking at it from a surface level. But it seems odd there has to be a reason if your sister also has dogs and they go over to hers clearly they are covering up for some real reason they don’t want to go there.
I do believe it’s childish not to just be upfront about why they really don’t want to visit instead of making excuses. I do think you’re in the right but you guys are adults and should sit down and have a civil discussion. Have you tried talking to them about the issue at hand?
Maybe you can find out the root cause of why they don’t want to visit and you can work together to find common ground. Just playing the petty back-and-forth game of not visiting each other won’t get anything resolved. Are you just never going to visit your parents again?
Again, not saying you are in the wrong it’s definitely petty to just not be upfront about whatever reason they may have but I do think it’s best to discuss with them like an adult.” TomHurst87
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A bit petty, but still NTJ.
But, even so, your parents are getting older, you should consider there’s a point in life when we have to stop expecting them to come, and start to go ourselves instead. You’re not far from that point. Unless you’re not close to them of course.
You should think about how important is for you that they come to your house, compared to the actual need of seeing them and having them in your life. When parents die there are no reasons, only regrets. Good luck.” tarotertulia
Another User Comments:
“Something is very weird about this.
What could be the real reason they won’t visit you? There has to be more to it, but what I wonder? It’s important to get to the bottom of this and have a frank, straightforward discussion. Having said that, waiting until someone is ill and your mom needs help probably isn’t the best time to put your foot down and make a point.
You’re NTJ, but still, it’s not cool to pick now to make your point.” laurasdiary
