People Keep Us On Our Toes With Their “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
22. AITJ For Being Upset At My Dad For Not Bringing My Passport To The Airport Because Of His New Religious Beliefs?
“This happened yesterday at the airport after we went through security and everything. My dad 42m never brought my passport because he wanted to use these religious pastilles or whatever they are called he had. For the past year he’s believed in a new god called Krishna or something after being atheist for the past 40 years.
So after waiting 7 hours in the car and airport we finally get called for boarding he pulls out the pastilles which of course get rejected by the airline (Ryanair) and we were sent back home (by coach). I did not talk to him and he didn’t understand why I was mad at him.
Here’s the kicker. The Lithuanian place where we needed to go to get me my passport had about a 3 month wait which I knew about so 4 months before the flight I told him to get it renewed but he didn’t want to go because of laziness.
So it’s day 2 of me not talking to him and his partner 56f says I should let it go (she was the only one who went to Lithuania because she brought a valid passport) even though she knew I had a lot of plans to do with my bio mom and sister whom I haven’t seen in 5½ years.
She says big deal I probably wouldn’t have enjoyed it because I’m anti-social and introverted.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I am very confused. Where can you enter a country using religious items instead of passports? Also, are “pastilles” the beads?? What the heck? Why would those get you into anywhere?
So no, you’re definitely NTJ. It’s not about not having the same beliefs or honoring someone else’s beliefs. Your dad appears to be acting irrationally. Like truly being illogical, and living in a fantasy world.” witcher_rat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The handwriting is on the wall that your father is a jerk and you can not depend on him or trust him.
You don’t tell us your age but I get the impression you are a minor. You are going to have to grow up fast and assume adult responsibilities because your dad either can’t or won’t. I wish I knew what resource offices or government agencies to refer you to help you, but if you start looking you will find them.” NanaLeonie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… but, why don’t YOU have your passport… And if you knew there’d be a problem why wouldn’t you TAKE PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY and have your passport updated? They are definitely jerks, but I’m guessing you’re an adult, you have some responsibility.” keepinIThonest83
21. AITJ For Telling My Ex He Missed His Chance To Be A Dad?
“My ex H (25) left me after I gave birth to our sons 3 years ago.
Today, he called me begging for forgiveness and to come back to New York.
He discovered his mother manipulated him into thinking the boys weren’t his.
Now he wants me to come back to New York and get back together and be a dad to our sons.
I told him that he had his chance to be a dad three years ago and blew it. Along with he didn’t stop me from moving across the country with the kids.
Not to mention, his current fiancée is pregnant with triplets. (She and I are friends on social media which is how I found out.)
My sister is calling me a jerk since she thinks H wants to be a dad to our kids.
While part of me wants to believe him.
I’m still angry that he left me high and dry with two kids to raise alone.
So am I the jerk for telling my ex he had his chance to be a dad?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister is a jerk. “While part of me wants to believe him.” … Don’t.
This is still about him, not about you or the kids. He does not want to make up for his wrongdoings, he just wants you close as a resource without effort for him. The next thing will be “Can’t you babysit the step-siblings, too? The children want to be with their siblings!” If he were really interested in parenting, he would show that by moving to your city, instead of asking you to move to his.
You would be crazy to uproot your family. He has not even taken responsibility for his actions, he is hiding behind his mom.” Creative_Trick_3818
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. You’re absolutely right. He had the chance to be a dad 3 years ago. He doesn’t get to waltz back into your and your sons’ lives 3 years after leaving you all.
He wants to leave his fiancee who is pregnant with his triplets to come back to you? Sounds like he wants to skip the phase of constant middle-of-the-night feedings and constant dirty diapers and only wants to be a father when his kids are “less work”.
I wouldn’t let him back into your lives because who knows if he’ll leave you all again when his current fiancee’s kids are out of the “difficult phase” and you and your boys don’t deserve that. Your boys deserve parents who won’t abandon them when they get tired of them and right now, YOU are that parent.
YOU have been there for them since the beginning. They can count on YOU. That is what being a parent is and clearly, your ex hasn’t figured that out if he’s repeating the same pattern.” MarvelWidowWitch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Everything else aside, who would want to be with a man who is looking to be unfaithful to and abandon his fiance who is pregnant with triplets?
Add the ex-wife he abandoned with twins to the mix and he sounds very unappealing and a horrible father figure to have in the lives of any of these children. Not a good track record, at all.” CADreamn
20. AITJ For Being Upset My Friend Wanted To Be Alone With Her Partner In Our Shared Motel Room?
“I (25f) just got back from a single night trip with my best friend (25f), her partner (25m), and his best friend (25m). The four of us shared a motel room with two queen beds. The girls in one bed and the guys in the other.
At one point in the evening, my friend was whispering with her partner and she got upset, but then we all moved on.
The next day she told me she had wanted her partner’s friend and me to leave the room so she and her partner could have some private time.
Her partner said no and that’s why she was upset. I told her I’m glad he said no because that wouldn’t have been fair to me or her partner’s friend. She then got upset, saying private time isn’t a big deal and that I make a big deal out of everything.
Said she wished I wasn’t so sensitive. We left it at agree to disagree but the rest of the day was off.
This all made me angry because they live together, and we rarely get to see each other. Plus her partner’s friend and I don’t usually get along, so being alone with him wouldn’t have been very fun.
But I have been known to overreact to things most people wouldn’t care about so I’m really not sure here.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It was very self-centered of her to expect the both of you to be okay with sitting in the hallway or bar or whatnot so they could have some private time.
If that’s what she was expecting, they should have gotten their own room as others have noted.” MoreDinosaursPlease
Another User Comments:
“So, if she and her partner had some private time, who was going to sleep in that bed afterward? The two of them?
Or did she expect either you or her partner’s friend to sleep in it with either her or her partner? Did she really expect one of you to sleep in that bed after they hooked up in it?” ManifestN0w
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and the fact that she continued to go and ask you even after her partner said no is alarming, especially when you take into consideration that she disregarded your feelings and called you sensitive for having boundaries.
I would be concerned about her partner if I were you.” sarahthewierdo
19. AITJ For Reporting My Classmate's Racist Slurs And Bullying Behavior?
“I (14F) have a classmate (14M) who we will call Zach. This happened back at the start of middle school, Zach and I were in the same class.
We didn’t really know each other due to uncommon interests and never really talked about anything else other than school. I did however have a friend who we will call Connor (14M), keep this in mind.
One day, Connor invites me to a Discord server that had Zach and a couple of other kids from our school in it.
I join and immediately get greeted by Zach with a simple hello, I respond back with a hi before switching off my phone and going to take a quick shower.
When I got back, my phone had been spammed by Zach who asked who I was.
I read at least 20 messages and realized those messages were filled with degrading slurs. He used slurs that are used against black people, gay people, and disabled people, and went on to body shame me and call me other nasty names. This had me taken aback as I did nothing to upset this guy to my knowledge, he just went crazy.
I text back, telling him not to use those slurs as it is disgusting and also because he is not black, disabled, or part of the LGBTQ community. He goes on to write big big insults filled with even more slurs, body shaming, the list goes on.
I leave the group and apologize to Connor for my random disappearance.
I didn’t bring it up anymore after that until I heard there was an incident where Zach was being racist towards another classmate of mine for having a darker complexion (we will call him Mike).
The school disciplinary board wanted to know if anyone had any interaction with Zach in which he was being racist or using slurs. I chose to help Mike by reporting Zach for the discord incident since no one else was. The school thanked me and Zach was dealt with, he wrote a letter apologizing to me.
Things calmed down until Zach’s friends started calling me the jerk for reporting him. One of them told me he got into tons of trouble with his mum and he got grounded for a month. They then told me that I hurt Zach a lot because he was a mama’s boy.
Many of them started guilt-tripping me into apologizing to Zach by saying how I should pity him and let it go since Dad was no longer in the picture. I think that’s unfair, just because you are unhappy doesn’t mean you’re allowed to make people feel bad about themselves.
I don’t think I did anything wrong but with all his friends attacking me I’m not sure if I wasn’t the jerk or if I was the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Stay strong against these people. They are enabling Zach’s racist behavior. They are all mad about Zach getting into trouble, yet they want to give him a pass when it comes to his racist behavior.
Their views on this are quite warped, so you should not heed their opinions or give them any credence. After all, they don’t care about the pain Zach caused you or Mike now, do they? Block them if they are harassing you, which it sounds like they are.
If they are harassing you in person, report them. As long as they think they can get away with this behavior, it won’t stop. If you haven’t apologized to Zach, don’t. He was completely in the wrong, and while it might not seem so now, you have done him a favor in the long run.
Think what will happen to him if he continues this behavior as an adult.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You reported bad behavior when asked. His friends will back him because they don’t realize yet that you don’t have to back a friend who breaks rules or makes bad decisions.
They’ll forget about it some time and you need to remember he did this himself, so it’s not your fault. I also hope it’s a wake-up call for this Zach dude. A lot of my friends and I back when I was 13-15 used to think “edgy” humor was just using slurs a lot while blurring the lines between jokes and truly malicious intent.
Most of us slowly realized just how grotesque these slurs were somehow and some way. Hopefully, this will be Zach’s realization time of “hey maybe I shouldn’t say stuff like this.”” Quople
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Letting these discrimination acts slide only leads to that person thinking they can get away with more macro and micro-aggressive discrimination acts in the future.
This aggressive behavior will only get worse and worse unless he is given intervention on how his actions are harmful to other people. You handled the situation kind of like how working people would report to Human Resources. Freedom of Speech doesn’t mean Freedom of Consequences.” bluemewrobin
18. AITJ For Leaving My Unreliable Co-Worker Behind To Make A Client Visit On Time?
“I (27f) work for a pet services company, (dog walking, pet sitting, etc) Most of my day is spent driving to and from clients’ homes to care for their pets. A few days a week on our busier days, I have a co-worker (27m) that I am good friends with who comes with me to help out.
Now cut to today — today was supposed to be my only day off for the next 2 weeks.
However last night my boss asked if we could go see one of our more time-sensitive clients for 45 minutes this morning as she wasn’t going to be able to make it in time due to personal reasons.
We both agreed as this particular client is a two-person job anyway. (My boss has instead given me tomorrow off to make up for it.)
We needed to be there for 10:30, and knowing that traffic at that time of day can get hectic, I arrived at my co-worker’s apartment 20 minutes early at 10:10, that way we would have more than enough time.
I waited for 15 of the 20 minutes for my coworker to come down, he is always making us late, which is another reason I left to get there as early as I did. At the 15-minute mark, I left without him.
Once I had already arrived at my client’s home, 5 mins later than I should have.
I got a call from my boss.
Boss: Hey, you didn’t forget about Client today did you? Coworker just called saying you never showed up.
Me: No I didn’t forget, I’m here with them now. I waited 15 minutes for coworker. They didn’t come out so I left.
Boss: Okay fair enough. Hope your visit with client goes well.
I go about my visit with my client, a little slower than if I had the extra help I would usually have. Got the job done in an hour and 15, rather than the typical 45 minutes it usually takes.
Left my phone in my car during this time.
I get back to my car and have several notifications from my coworker and their partner telling me that I am an immature child for throwing a tantrum by leaving without him. Telling me that both my coworker and boss expect me to apologize to him (my boss is on my side here, as we see above.
And this is also not the first time my coworker has proven to be unreliable).
When I told them that I was not being immature and that my time is just as important as his, they have now told me that they won’t be speaking to me until I apologize for my actions.
I told them both I won’t be apologizing as I’d done nothing wrong.
I just fail to see how I could be the jerk in this situation. But please tell me if I am being too stubborn here.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Based solely alone that the partner said you “threw a tantrum.” But extra info: did you reach out to the co-worker beforehand saying you were outside?
Time runs fast if you aren’t watching the clock.” ScreamsInBeans
Another User Comments:
“INFO: What was the agreed-upon time to pick up your coworker? The way it’s worded, you got there 20 minutes early and left after 15 minutes, implying you left 5 minutes before the actually agreed-upon pickup time.” missmyrajv
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your job is time-sensitive, I don’t think your coworker should be in that job. If you only leave 5-10 minutes before a job starts you’re not going to be there on time and keep a job or clients.
Your coworker needs to grow up and set alarms like every other person who can’t keep track of time.” Sleepy_Bugz
17. AITJ For Feeling My Life Is Dictated By My Autistic Brother's Needs?
“My little brother has autism, like dramatically so. He’s fifteen and he still babbles like a toddler would. I do not hold this against him and sometimes I’ll even babble with him because it makes him laugh. However. Due to his autism, he has constant meltdowns and will throw huge fits in places he hates.
Sometimes even to the point where he will start screaming and throwing himself on the ground. Because of this, I do not get to do certain things.
For example, we went to the Titanic attraction in the Smoky Mountains and had to rush through every room because he did not like it.
Another example, I had to rush/speed walk through a festival in my hometown because my brother wanted to go home. Final example, I still do not have my license (I am almost 17) because I cannot go out and practice driving because of my brother.
If we put him in the car he throws a fit. It is just my mother watching him as our dad is always away for work and our grandparents do not help much.
The other day an incident happened and that was the final straw.
We were at a restaurant and I had my back to the wall for personal reasons. They had people sitting behind them. My brother turned around and before my mom could stop him he started babbling at an older woman. She thought it was cute but my mother insisted we switch places so he didn’t do it again.
I am EXTREMELY uncomfortable having people behind me. My mother knows this. She also knows why. But she still told me I had to move. I made a comment about how I hate getting the short end of the stick just because he has autism.
She got angry and told me I needed to quit blaming my brother for everything that I don’t get to do. That’s not at all what I did, if anything I was blaming circumstances.
My entire life has been dictated by his autism. I don’t blame him.
I blame circumstances, and sometimes I blame my mother for letting his autism dictate my life. I have seen siblings of kids with autism have their own lives and be able to do these cool things that I rarely get to do because my mother puts my brother over me.
But when I brought this up to a friend she said I was being a jerk about the whole thing. So. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Aw, this is tough, OP. You were just speaking about your own experience, which is completely valid.
You can still love your brother, and it is clear that you do, but be frustrated by the circumstances and constant sacrifices that you are making. They aren’t mutually exclusive. NTJ. (Your mother is probably frustrated as well if I had to try to rationalize her reaction.)” fallingfaster345
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents have forgotten or ignored that they have 2 children with separate needs. It is a delicate balancing act, and it takes some family support, but it can be done – I have seen it happen. Question – how willing are you to trade off for some freedom?
Would your mom be open to making your driver’s education a priority if you reminded her that with your license, you will be able to help with errands like grocery shopping?” YeeHawMiMaw
Another User Comments:
“You need to start making a plan for your future.
Talk to a school counselor about what steps you need to make to go to college after graduation. I would look into a school that’s far enough away from home where you can get away from your family for months at a time. You also need to talk to your parents about their plans for your brother when they become too old to be able to care for him.
You need to let them know that you are not going to be responsible for him in the future. That doesn’t mean you will completely abandon him. You can still be a part of his life, just not as his caregiver. You are so close to being an adult and you need to begin planning for your own future, independent from your family.” Flat-History-5595
16. AITJ For Refusing To Send My Son With My Estranged Husband's Nanny And Driver?
“My estranged husband was supposed to pick up our son on Saturday but instead of coming himself, he sent his new nanny, who neither my son nor I have ever met before, and a driver, who we have.
My son is 3 and was already upset about something else so I didn’t want to send him alone and when we agreed to this visit, my husband made it seem like he was the one picking our son up, so I refused to let them take him.
They both tried to negotiate with me by telling me it’s what my husband wanted but I wouldn’t budge. I told them to tell my husband that if he wanted to see our son, he would need to come here himself to collect him.
They called him to tell him what I said and then he called me to demand I send our son with them. The more I refused, the angrier he got. He told me he didn’t have time to come all the way here and that I was being ridiculous.
He started raising his voice at me so I hung up on him.
He showed up on Sunday evening to collect our son and was furious with me still. He told me never to pull a stunt like this again or our son would live with him from now on which we both know is an empty threat.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“INFO: Does your estranged husband have a job that precludes him from picking up your son? If not, he should pick him up himself. If so, you should try to work something out IF (big if) you trust the nanny and driver.
Certainly NTJ in this sitch as – if ex-husband (I know, not yet, but by the tone it seems inevitable) wanted to send others – he needed to communicate this AND get your approval. In the end, though, you two should try to be civil as it’s what’s best for little Timmy.
Good luck!” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“All you had to say was that your son was already upset to make it clear you did the right thing. He’s only three years old and doesn’t need any trauma in his life. (He may already have some anxiety related to bad blood between you and your ex.) So Dad doesn’t have time to come get him, huh?
How will he have time to give the child his attention once he arrives? I treasure car rides with my kids (now 18 and 25). We’ve had a no-radio, no-cell-phones rule in our vehicles since they were born, so it gives us a chance to really connect.
Make sure your ex doesn’t teach this hands-off, disconnected behavior to your son. He should listen to Cat’s in the Cradle by Harry Chapin. NTJ.” Cautious-Damage7575
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – you are controlling. You confirmed they were there at your husband’s request and it is not atypical for parents who can afford it to leverage support to get their kids.
It sounds like a tired vindictive baby mama that this man is going to have to spend the next 18 years placating to build a relationship with his son. Will probably ditch the kid to not have to deal with you. Seen it happen way too many times to count.” [deleted]
15. AITJ For Telling My Stay-At-Home Wife Not To Take Her Dream Job?
“My wife is a stay-at-home mom, I work full time and we live pretty comfortably. She picks the kids up from school, drops them off, cooks cleans, etc. She recently got offered a job by one of her friends and she claims it’s her “dream job”, it would be working at her bakery.
She would make stuff as well as do deliveries, social media, etc. The job would have her working about 8-9 hours a day, plus 1 hour commuting a day.
I told her it’s not a good idea, the salary wouldn’t be high and we would pay more for daycare, babysitters, and house cleaners than she would earn.
I also don’t like this idea because my kids play almost every day with kids in the neighborhood and we’ve left them at the school’s daycare a few times and they hated it. They say the woman who runs it is an absolute jerk, and I’ve heard the same from other parents.
I didn’t like her when I talked to her the few times as well.
I told my wife this is unfair to the kids and it’s a stupid idea financially. She is saying I’m holding her back and I told her she needs to stop being so selfish.
If she can find a job that earns significantly more than that offer, then fine we can discuss it but this bakery idea is not a good one. I even suggested she works part-time there, but she says she can’t, the offer is full-time only.
She’s basically refusing to talk to me unless I agree to this, I told her she needs to grow up and stop this. Her family is saying I’m a jerk who keeps her down.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. (Dad of 2 here) Instead of trying to show her how it won’t work, why don’t you try to work WITH her to figure out how it COULD work?
It sounds like she does an absolute ton of stuff right now and probably has been for a long time. While I’m sure she loves the kids and everything, a lot of that stuff is a really thankless, frustrating job. What’s more is that while parenting might still be a job and a hard one at that, it usually doesn’t feel “productive” the same way a regular job does.
And to be doing it every single day (including weekends) for YEARS is draining on any parent. You might be looking at the numbers but sometimes there are more important things, and if you value your wife’s mental and emotional health at all, you’ll try to figure out how to make this work.” HolyGonzo
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your wife is passionate about working and you are denying that. You all need to decide together if it will work financially. Childcare is expensive, but it wouldn’t eat up all of her income. You mention a house cleaner… not sure why you need that.
Plenty of households have two working parents and no house cleaner. Mine included. Maybe you should help do some of the cleaning.” theWet_Bandits
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. After your comments, you didn’t come here for advice. You came here looking for the few people that would agree.
Is it going to be a transition? Yeah, absolutely. But ya’ll can make it work. For all of you. First thing get off your high horse. You’re so focused on the finances and kids’ wants you forget she has a say too. Start being proactive.
Ask family, friends, and neighbors for help with pickups, drop-offs, and daycare. Start researching nannies and caretakers who you can afford. PUT IN THE EFFORT TO MAKE IT WORK AND SUPPORT YOUR PARTNER IN WHAT SHE DREAMS FOR LIKE SHE HAS FOR YOU ALL THIS TIME.
I read you said to do part-time or find a different job. No. That’s not your decision. Ya’ll can make this work. That just means YOU are going to have to put in effort like making dinner some nights and doing kid duties. They’re your kids too ya know.
Step up and support your partner. She’s been behind you being the caretaker at home all this time right? Your turn to also be a supportive partner.” OsaBear92
14. AITJ For Telling My Older Sister To Stop Calling Me Because She Constantly Badmouths Our Parents?
“My (14M) older sister and I were really close. She always loved me very much and she would always take me places and always made the day more fun. Unfortunately, she and my mom don’t like each other. They always would fight and yell at each other.
My sister always would play the victim and blame my mom for everything. Then she met a man and moved out of the USA and married him.
It has been 2 years since and she keeps calling me. She always talks negatively about my mom and dad.
She gets angry when I don’t pick up and blames my mom for it, she says dumb stuff like “she’s corrupting you” “she will ruin your life.” She always makes fun of me and calls me fat while blaming my mom for it, and never leaves me alone and it’s getting super annoying.
Eventually, I got sick of it and straight up told her to leave me alone and to stop calling me every single day. I also said I will only talk to her if she stops talking about Mom or Dad.
She looked super sad and hasn’t called me or texted me since I said this which was last month and won’t respond to my texts asking if she is ok (she has read them though).
I feel like a complete jerk because she is sensitive and I feel like she might be depressed because of me. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Text her something like, “Hey, I love you. And I’m sorry for losing my temper. You’re welcome to call me on weekends.
But please leave me out of your feud with our parents. And please stop making fun of me and fat-shaming me. Let’s talk about other stuff like we used to. You mean a great deal to me, Sis.”” Ok-Future-5257
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I think some respondents are missing the fact that you’re setting boundaries with your older sister.
There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to listen to her speak badly about your parents or not wanting to talk to her every day. There’s also nothing wrong with being sad that she isn’t talking to you at all because, that would suggest, that she’s not able yet to stop talking badly about your parents to you.
It also wasn’t fair of her to insult you when you don’t pick up. That being said, there’s nothing wrong with her maybe needing some time before she talks to you again so, I would maybe suggest giving her some space but letting her know you’re still willing to talk whenever she’s ready.
I can imagine that at 14, this is more stress than you really thought you’d have to deal with being pulled between your parents and your sister. Did they treat her badly when she was growing up? Why does she hate them so much? (If you’re comfortable with answering?)” Plastikwaterbottle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your sister can’t have a conversation without fat-shaming you or complaining to you about your parents, that’s not healthy for either of you. You had every right to set some boundaries, but it would have been more productive to do that calmly: “We’d have a better relationship if we found other things to talk about than my weight and our parents.
What did you do this week?” “I am not going to listen to you endlessly talk about our parents. Call me when there are other things to talk about.” This all assumes that your parents aren’t abusive to you and that you are not sticking your head in the sand about something.” MissTheWire
13. AITJ For Not Prioritizing My Mom's Recently Discovered Birth Family During Our Short Visit Home?
“My mom was adopted and spent the majority of her life not knowing her birth family. About 3 years ago she did Ancestry DNA and found them. She has gotten close with her sister and has really put in the effort to get to know her mom, brother, and cousins.
I am really happy for her. And throughout this all I have really tried to support her by going with her to meet them all and attending gatherings, etc. even inviting them all to my wedding before we even really knew them.
But here’s where I might be the jerk.
My husband and I moved out of state for his job away from all our friends and family. We are going back for a visit this weekend and my mom is really really pushing to bring my one-year-old to her brother’s house for his son’s birthday party.
Normally, I’d have nothing against this. But we are only in town for ONE weekend and we have so many people that are a lot closer to us, that want to see us. With only so much time, I feel like we have to prioritize who we spend our time with and my mom’s birth family just has not been in our lives enough for us to prioritize spending time with them over other family members.
I told my mom that my son will probably not be going over there as we are making plans to see others. She thinks I’m being selfish and excluding her family and not putting in enough effort. But I feel like I shouldn’t have to?
Like it’s my choice who I put effort into or not? But it really hurts my mom that I don’t want to put in more effort with this new family she found.”
Another User Comments:
“My mom was adopted and went the majority of her life not knowing her birth family.
This… is how adoption works. NTJ but from what you describe it sounds as though your mom might benefit from some therapy. She may be putting her birth family on a pedestal that overtakes all other relationships. Her birth family is no more important than other familial relationships she’s had for 50(?)+ years but she may be obsessing over the birth family relationship in an unhealthy way.
NTJ. Just like your mom has decided that her most important family connection is a family she didn’t know until 3 years ago, you get to decide that your most important family connection is the family you’ve had for 25(?)+ years.” facinationstreet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m 51.
I was adopted in a closed adoption. Maybe I’m in your mom’s age bracket. Unlike your mom, I don’t have any interest in finding any biological relatives. I haven’t done a home DNA kit, nor will I. You’re making an effort to support her.
I can understand your hesitancy to invite biological relatives you don’t know to your wedding. You were kind to grant that. I do think she’s pressuring you regarding taking your baby to visit her brother’s house. It’s great that she’s excited about her journey.
The thing is, that this is her life path. You have yours. I have relatives from my late dad’s side that I’ve never met. I’d hold them in the same regard that you may hold your mom’s bio family. I don’t know them.
I don’t have an affinity for what they’re like. If I did want to get to know them, I’d do so over time. If you’re not comfortable with your mom’s bio family, then she needs to realize that.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This freaked me out because it’s so similar to my own mom’s situation that I half thought (maybe even half-think) that someone in my family was posting a slightly altered version of my life. My mom also puts pressure on me to visit “her” people when I come home (before she reunited with her birth family, it would be visiting her close friends).
I really had to learn to put my foot down so that if I’m planning the visit, I’m controlling the itinerary. I say: send a gift to the brother for the birthday and tell mom you’d love to visit family some other time when you can all actually enjoy the time together.” Anashenwrath
12. AITJ For Lashing Out At My Friend Over Her Comments About My Hair?
“I (22f) am a black person who didn’t have a great childhood. I have a friend who we will call Jessica (23f).
Jessica on the other hand, has two parents, plenty of friends, and lots of resources. Growing up I had none of that. We have always been very tight-knit and didn’t let our past get between us.
Until recently, I’ve let my natural curly hair out for a few weeks.
My sister (31f) owns a small braiding business run from her home. I decided to get my hair done by her so I could have braids in during the summertime.
Later that week Jessica invited me to a pool party and kept begging for me to get in.
So I did, after the party when we went back to her place she commented on my hair saying stuff like “your hair looks so fuzzy, glad my hair doesn’t look like that” and more rude remarks like that. I brushed it off as I didn’t want to ruin the mood.
This happened again when we were at Jessica’s house watching movies with friends. I went to grab popcorn saying we ran out and I overheard Jessica talking about my hair again. She said, “look at her hair, it’s so fuzzy.” This time the whole room was looking at me and laughing, and I had enough.
This is where I may just be a jerk.
I screamed at her saying “Goddarn it, Jessica! You always have something to say, maybe you should get curly hair. You’re a basic white girl with your parents’ money. You don’t deserve an opinion!” I grabbed my bag and my phone and called an Uber sobbing my eyes out.
Jessica has called me many times and I’m not ready to answer anything. All of her friends have messaged me calling me bitter but I choose to ignore them. So AITJ??”
Another User Comments:
“You deserve nothing less from them than a heartfelt apology, the opportunity to explain to her/them the intricacies of Black hair (particularly Black hair and water), and a legitimate attempt (from them) to be more accepting of the differences they notice and approach them with empathy.
If you don’t get all of that, focus your energy elsewhere. Black hair is expensive to maintain, and braids cost a lot. You ruined your hair just to get teased afterward? I’m upset for you. NTJ.” sixyrs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: As a fellow black girl, you need to drop her.
She knows nothing of our culture or our hair and doesn’t even try to learn or understand, yet she tried to embarrass you. Honestly, her comment was texurist and a major micro-aggression. She’s not a true friend at all to be talking badly about you to others, and they can all go away for trying to back her up and calling you out your name for something they also have no clue about.
Just count your losses with her, and leave her in the dust.” SlimPickings21
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She was being rude and you told her to stop. I will suggest that going on the offensive back at her wasn’t the best way. She may repeat it to others and have it sound like you were insulting her race (like saying “I said nothing about OP being black but she said I was a basic white girl so I’m in the right!
Woe is me!” I don’t have an issue with what you said but I am always a fan of a retort that gives jerks no leverage. Passive aggressive I know but it brings me joy. “Why would you say something so hurtful? You’ve mentioned my hair multiple times and the body shaming is so upsetting” – she can’t retell that one without looking like a jerk (which she was).” Pristine-Mastodon-37
11. AITJ For Taking An Adults-Only Vacation Without My Partner's Kids?
“My partner has 3 kids who are all in elementary school that he splits custody of 50/50 with his ex.
Prior to their split, he said he rarely took vacations just the 2 of them for several reasons but 1) was that his work was so busy that he barely had time to go on vacation at all (and when he did he always had to keep working remotely anyway) and 2) he had a tumultuous relationship with her and didn’t want to spend a lot of time with her.
Now my partner is in a place where he has a much better relationship with his kids (she was a SAHM while he worked full time so he didn’t get to spend as much time with them as he would’ve liked plus the aforementioned tension in their relationship).
He is much happier with them and he and I also have a great relationship and I have also built a good relationship with the kids. He’s also in a place where he is prioritizing more work-life balance and is able to leave the office early to care for his kids, go on more trips, etc. Though he does still maintain availability to work at those times.
This summer we have planned to have our first BIG vacation where he is actually taking off work for the FIRST TIME EVER. He’s going to be unavailable via email and is telling everyone to not contact him. It’s going to be a 2 1/2 week trip in Europe through many cities.
We’ve been planning for a year.
The trouble is, the kids are mad that we are not taking them and that it’s an “adults only” trip. They don’t understand why they don’t get to go. They’ll be staying with their mom while we are gone.
He told them when they’re older he’d love to take them to Europe but that at this time it’s not a kid-friendly trip, and he also deserves to have a break. I fully support him on this as I know how stressful work has been for him for many years and I am also looking forward to a break from my own work.
Every summer each parent gets 2 weeks of vacation with the kids and we are already using that to visit his family out of state. Which we wouldn’t want to skip that in favor of taking them on a different trip.
So are we the jerks for going on this trip anyway even though the kids say it isn’t fair that we’re going without them?
I’ve heard so many people say that “you don’t get to take a break from being a parent.” But we really just need this mental break and have been looking forward to it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I have stepkids and bio kids.
Guess what, I have vacationed with them and without them. I lived in Europe and did trips around the continent with them and without them. I have taken trips with my husband and the kids, without my husband and the kids and without the lot of them.
Not all vacations are the same: from location, to food, to activities, to emotional needs. I went to Paris with my husband, stepson, and toddler daughter. One year later I went to Paris with JUST my husband. There were things I wanted to do and see and quite frankly eat (the better restaurants don’t open for dinner until after 8 pm) that I just could not do with the kids.
It wasn’t about not loving them, but it WAS about wanting to experience things that we just could not do with them. And I am perfectly in my right to do so. OP and her SO vacation with the kids. They are going to continue to vacation with the kids.
But they are allowed to vacation with just themselves. And outside of the fact that they are allowed to do that, the kids need to learn that the world, even their parents’ world, does not revolve around them.” VonShtupp
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but be careful with the “needs a break” narrative with the kids.
Adults understand but if the kids take it as dad needs a break from them that would be unnecessarily hurtful. Perhaps you haven’t used that phrase with them but just in case, I’d just say that there will come a time when they will get to go but this isn’t the right age for them to go, and there are going to be a lot of fun activities especially for them to enjoy on the family vacation.” NotThisAgain234
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Growing up my parents and aunts and uncles organized “cousin camp” where we all spent 1-2 weeks at each other’s houses. Parenting is a lifelong commitment for sure. But your identity isn’t solely being parents. Having some separation is a good thing.
It’s not like he’s skipping out on his 50% custody to go on vacation. Also, you all plan on a trip with them later. They’re kids. They won’t necessarily appreciate Europe right now. They’d probably complain the food is weird, they don’t understand anyone talking, they’re tired of traveling so much…etc. I think it might be a good idea to sit down with the kids and their mom (having discussed it with her beforehand); to explain that while you all love each other sometimes it’s ok to do things without each other.
And it’s not that you don’t love them or don’t want to be with them. But that alone time is ok.” Terra88draco
10. AITJ For Telling My Sister To Stop Pushing Makeup On My Partner?
“I (24 F) have been in a relationship with my partner (25 F) for almost a year. Ever since I introduced her to my family, my older sister (28 F) hasn’t stopped trying to get her to wear makeup. My sister has taken personal offense to my partner not wearing makeup.
(I don’t mean like a no-makeup makeup look, I mean none at all period). I don’t know why.
At first, my sister commented on it and my partner just ignored it. But now my sister sends makeup samples and a Sephora gift card to my apartment for her.
That was enough and I told my sister to lay off and my partner isn’t going to start wearing makeup just because my sister thinks she will be “gorgeous” with it. My partner never asked my sister to do this. She’s also never commented on anyone else’s choice to wear makeup including my sister.
Now my sister is acting all hurt and offended that my partner snubbed her. I was the one who sent the stuff back but my sister is honestly acting like my partner is the bad guy here. I’d like your opinions because I don’t feel like I’m a jerk for telling her to take a hike on the makeup issue, however, she feels the opposite and insists my partner needs to listen to her and I shouldn’t interfere.
So which of us is really the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“My (recently deceased) mother hounded me about makeup. She said that no one would hire me for a job. She said nobody would have a romantic interest in me. She said I would look pretty if I wore makeup (so apparently I wasn’t pretty on my own?).
She said that is what adult women do. She said that she couldn’t explain our culture to me – that I should just do what she thought best. I still don’t wear makeup in my mid-50s. I’ve had lots of jobs. I have had romantic partners.
I have an interesting life. And I do it makeup-free. My skin looks very healthy now without all that product. My mom was flat-out wrong about my life prospects without makeup. But she had this weird hang-up that she wanted to “save” me from my alternative lifestyle and bring me back into what is “normal.” Perhaps your sister is trying to “save” your partner…?
I didn’t need it. Nobody needs makeup unless they want it!” Brazen_Green23
Another User Comments:
“NTJ obviously. But it’s so weird that I suspect there is some lesbophobia behind it. Is your sister ok with you being in a relationship with women? Has she made some underhanded snide remarks about women being in a relationship with women?
Does your partner look more butch/masculine? Could it be that your sister actively wants to stamp out any masculinity in women? Not saying your partner is butch, she could easily be more femme presenting without makeup. But just wanted to throw this in here to see if it resonates.” Left-Act
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your lady feels comfortable not wearing that makeup and I assume that is something you love about her then no you have every right to take up for her. I don’t care for makeup on the basis of attraction.
I appreciate it when it’s done a certain way. I enjoy that my wife doesn’t wear it a whole lot because I like the way she looks without it but when she does put it on it looks really good. I’ve basically written makeup off as the girl version of video games.
I really appreciate it as an art and a very marketable talent. I don’t appreciate people trying to convince others whether it’s wrong or right for them and trying to govern what they do with their face.” megacope
9. AITJ For Not Wanting A Man On Our Girl's Trip, Even If He's Gay?
“I (30F) am planning a girl’s trip with my two best friends Demi and Mary (fake names of course). We plan to go next weekend. This past weekend, Mary asked if her good friend from college Tobias could come on the trip because he’s gay, so she said it should be no problem because it’s not like he would try anything with any of us and she’d be happy to share a room with him.
I’ve met Tobias and I really like him, but the point of this trip was to spend a few days together in Florida with just the girls.
I talked to Mary and Demi about it yesterday and Mary asked if I had something against Tobias because he was gay.
I said no because I have absolutely no problem with the LGBTQ+ community and it’s not about his sexuality, it’s about him being a man on our girl’s trip. Demi said she didn’t care either way so Mary said she was going to officially invite him.
I told them I have to reconsider going because this is not what I agreed to in the beginning and they got all exasperated and huffy.
My husband says I’m being a little uptight, my friends will miss me, and what Mary said: he’s not going to hit on any of us because he’s gay so it’d “be like having another woman there” On top of that being ignorant, I disagreed with him.
WIBTJ if I didn’t go on the trip?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Last time I had a girls’ night we talked about periods and childbirth. The gay men I know don’t want to talk about those things at all. So depending on what kind of trip you want to have, having a man there, regardless of sexuality, has the potential to change the dynamic.
Maybe have a frank discussion with your friends about the activities you want to do and the conversations you were looking forward to having and see if they feel like the dynamic would be different with a man there. Maybe it won’t matter at all, but maybe it will.
Honestly, I don’t blame you because sometimes it’s easier to be with women – there are a lot of topics some women don’t feel comfortable casually discussing around men, regardless of their sexuality. I would also ask yourself if you could still possibly have fun with him there – even if it wasn’t the trip you planned on.
Maybe you can set aside a girls’ day on the trip, or plan another trip and make it clear that one should be just the girls.” PNWPainter02
Another User Comments:
“I am not going to call you a jerk. You can plan whatever trip you like, As a gay man, I would prefer not to join this trip, given that it will now just make everyone uncomfortable.
Nobody likes feeling unwanted. I hope Tobias is not even aware of the drama. As far as your two friends, I think both of them are now uncomfortable with you. I will agree with you that a gay man is NOT just like having another woman there, but what were you expecting out of this “girls’ trip”?
Were you hoping to discuss something that you would not feel safe talking about with Tobias present? Were you looking for a break from toxic masculinity? Or just from all masculinity? Yes, I am aware that some gay men are toxic as well. Was there something specific about Tobias?
Because that is going to be important in your discussion with Mary and Demi in terms of hanging out with you in the future.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I have some observations. Your friends and husband are the jerks because of their remarks equating being gay to being a woman, not because they’re trying to make the trip happen with the gay friend.
What exactly is about this guy that makes you not want him to come, if you said you really enjoy his company? Is there something you left out in your post? Your friend’s and husband’s reasoning is flawed, but so is yours, because your priorities were to spend time with your friends, and Tobias does not actually get in the way of that.
What exactly is special about the trip being “just us girls”? Is that special thing more important than spending time with your friends? Is it really worth it to not come, because of that special thing? You should communicate exactly what’s so special about the trip being a “girl-trip” to your friends, otherwise, they will not understand why you’re canceling the trip.” PsychedelicDoggo
8. AITJ For Being Upset That My Parents Take Half My Paycheck?
“I (16) work part-time (minimum wage), and my parents require me to give them half my paycheck every week, so I don’t get a lot per week.
It’s fine as my parents pay for a bunch of things like expensive food, snacks, stationery, books, and stuff like that so it’s only fair I give them half my paycheck. Since I’m earning money my parents said that they will not be paying for my material needs and hobbies they don’t want me doing.
They won’t stop me, but they won’t pay for me either.
The reason why I don’t have a lot of money is that I’m trying to save up for driving classes, I’m currently paying for ice-skating classes so I can’t really spare a lot of money right now.
I want to buy a costume for costume day at school and to just have a fun outfit to wear outside and hang out with friends, but my parents said they won’t be paying for it. But I’m kind of low on money currently so I made a sarcastic remark on how the reason I can’t afford it is because I give them half my paycheck, and they got mad at me and said I’m disrespectful and selfish.
Some of my friends agree that it isn’t fair while some side with my parents so I don’t know.
They won’t tell me their income but we have a decent quality of life so I’d assume it’s middle income.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t agree with your parents taking half your money while you are only 16 years old and still a full-time student in high school. It’s not like you quit school and are sitting at home doing nothing. In my opinion, they should be providing for your basic needs until 18 and your money should be used for “extras.” By taking half your money at this age and you only working part-time, it certainly would make saving up for anything quite difficult.
Why don’t you sit down with them and ask why they are doing this? Are they planning on kicking you out as soon as you turn 18 as well? Because I’m getting that kind of vibe from this. They don’t sound very supportive and they don’t want to “literally” fully support you anymore either.” cattripper
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents should allow you to keep your whole paycheck. This doesn’t sound like they actually need the money, it’s a weird power trip. They should also pay for driving lessons. Beyond that, sure, you can save up for clothes and extra activities.
I don’t and won’t understand why people who are financially stable will take money from a teenager. Subconsciously that sends a message – Work hard and all, but don’t get paid for your hard work the way you deserve. Nothing more discouraging, for me it would make me quit my job and just smile dumb until they are forced to pay for stuff.
I babysat at 16 and opened a bank account (my country allows it) where I deposited my paychecks. My parents never knew exactly how much I had, where I spent it, and never asked. They lowered my allowance with 100-200$ as they were saving up to help me with college.” collegekit13
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Parents demanding payola for raising their own children is a jerk attitude that doesn’t fly in this sub. Ask yourself, is the amount you end up with each paycheck AFTER tax and your parents’ cut worth the amount you do to earn it?
If the answer is no, and I bet it is, I think you should just consider quitting your job and not working anymore until you are no longer under their roof. If you do want to keep working, don’t let them see your paycheck anymore in case you get a raise in the future, and definitely don’t give them your tax refunds.” DigDugDogDun
7. AITJ For Accepting Financial Help From My Ex's Mother?
“I’m 21f, my ex-fiance is 34m. He left just after our son (4mo) was born and hasn’t contacted us or his family besides his sister since.
I’m currently unable to work due to an injury I sustained at birth that I’ll be recovering from for the foreseeable future. I was dependent on my ex financially so when he left I had to take on 100% of the bills on my own. As soon as I can afford a deposit, I’ll be downsizing.
My ex-MIL is the nicest, most kindhearted woman I have ever met in my whole entire life. From day one she’s loved and nurtured me and ever since her son dipped, she’s been coming around a few times a week to help me and to bond with her grandchild.
I know she didn’t raise my ex to be like this as she was once in a very similar situation and tried her best to raise her kids better.
I’ve been struggling pretty badly and she’s been aware but it’s gotten to the point where the baby’s clothes were starting to become too tight and I was choosing between feeding him and feeding myself.
My MIL saw all this and despite not being in the best spot herself, decided to help with what she could without being asked. It was honestly a really lovely thing for her to do, even though all she did was purchase some formula and get some clothes off a free page on social media.
My ex’s sister told him about it and it was the first time he’s contacted me, telling me I should stay away from his family, that I’ll bleed his mother dry, I’m nothing but a gold digger. This that and the other. His sister agrees with him, his mother hates him so it doesn’t matter too much but I’m left wondering was I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“You are doing absolutely nothing wrong. Your ex on the other hand though = wtf? How has he got the audacity to accuse you of being wrong for NEEDING to accept your ex-MIL’s generosity, when HE should be providing for his child and not forcing you to have to accept help from others?
Ugh. NTJ.” singing_stream
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. His mother wants to help because he ditched you. She’s taking on what was his responsibility. Granted, you should work, but so soon after childbirth isn’t really an option. Find a job once you are physically able, and ask if she’d be interested in babysitting as a way to help you out.
Her help isn’t forever, but this is an incredibly trying time for you, made worse by him ditching you and his responsibility. Relying on your ex to foot all the bills before he became an ex may have or may not have been a gold digger move.
I don’t know what your setup was and will try not to speculate. I don‘t know if he encouraged you not to work, I don’t know if you had a difficult pregnancy early on, making it too difficult to work. Whatever. There’s a reason he still talks with his sister, which is because they share a bond or are more alike than they let on.
Whatever the case, I wouldn’t take her feelings about it into account.
The bottom line is that you aren’t meant to stay away from his family just because the two of you broke up. You had his child, which makes them your child’s family.
It would be cruel to punish them all for his screw-up. Like I said, his mother is helping because her crappy son ditched you, and that is his child (by blood) to support. If he doesn’t want his mom helping, then he needs to send you money so she doesn’t have to.
But it sounds like she’s only doing what she feels she can afford to do, which is smart of her, and completely proves him wrong. You aren’t using her. You aren’t bleeding her dry. This is her grandson, and it’s completely normal for a grandparent to buy things for their grandchild.
It’s pretty clear he changed his mind about wanting this child, but you are entitled to child support.” Oliviarose85
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Think of it this way. She isn’t helping you, she is helping her grandchild. She wants to bond with her grandchild.
Just because he left doesn’t mean his mother doesn’t want a relationship with her grandchild. Whether he likes it or not, his mother will always want to be a part of your life. That’s her decision and has nothing to do with him.
Also, start filing with child support since he is so concerned about his mother’s finances and how she spends them on your child.” Status-Pattern7539
6. AITJ For Spending More On My Daughter's Needs Than My Son's Wants?
“I (45M) have 2 children (16M ‘Dylan’, 15F ‘Sarah’), their mother and I divorced in 2017. My children and I hardly ever knew each other as a result of their mother not letting me see them. Dylan came to live with me in May of last year and Sarah came to live with me in October.
Long story short, my children grew up differently despite being raised in the same household. My ex displayed clear favoritism to Dylan. And would spend extra money on him because Sarah attended school online for mental health reasons (cost more money). So, when they came to live with me, he went to school in a whole other province for a few months.
Which cost far more than her school. He was enrolled in a boarding school of his choice, because it’s in the city he grew up in, and he wanted to be around his friends.
He left by his own will, I told him he could go back any time.
Sarah managed to make friends online and meet with them in person. They’re close now. So, she’ll occasionally ask for money to go out, but according to Dylan, it’s unfair because he doesn’t do that. An “unnecessary expense” as he calls it. But alright. Sarah has very sensitive skin, on top of having a skin condition.
So she has limited options for the products she uses. Her products automatically cost more. Dylan complains, again, claiming that they’re “unnecessary expenses”. Sarah wears glasses, he does not. He sincerely believes that if we spend money on one of her needs, the same amount should be spent on him.
Another example is when Sarah came here from her mother. She barely had any clothes. My sister sent a small sum of money in a gift card so we could buy her clothes. He went shopping with her and kept pestering her about buying him something from that store.
Then, when she didn’t, he went on for months about how she was receiving better treatment.
But he has his benefits that we all simply have to ignore. He gets a monthly allowance to spend on games. He does not do any chores. His mother sends him a significantly larger amount of money than his sister, monthly.
His room is filled with clothes and furniture that don’t even fit. Etc. Etc.
I told him that I wasn’t spending any more money on him than I already do, today. When he asked if I’d help him with money to build a PC. Which, mind you, he already has one.
He just wants a far better one. And he went on and on for hours about how Sarah got this, that, and the next thing. And that it adds up. Keep in mind, his room is stuffed with stuff I bought him, that I did not buy Sarah.
He got his mother and my partner on my case. They claim that it’s only fair. That I’m treating her as “more important.”
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Just to clarify, their mother continues to send Dylan a larger allowance than Sarah? To me, it sounds like you are simply taking care of Sarah’s needs and making up for how much extra Dylan has and continues to get.
I had a grandmother whose favoritism of my sister was excruciatingly obvious. Thankfully my grandfather made sure to make things as equal as he could. I couldn’t imagine if that had been my own mother. I think it’s great that someone is finally looking out for Sarah.
NTJ.” RightLocal1356
Another User Comments:
“Sounds to me like your ex raised them like that: every single penny spent on your daughter needs evaluation, the expenses for your son are to be accepted no matter what. “Her products automatically cost more. Dylan complains, again, claiming that they’re “unnecessary expenses”.
Sarah wears glasses, he does not.” So… does your son want glasses too? Not sunglasses, of course, that wouldn’t be ‘the same’. And as soon as he develops sensitive skin, he can get the other brand of skincare too. Would it be feasible to teach your son a budgeting lesson by making a budget for both, and when they both run out, assess where the money went?
It sounds like he sees all of the budget going to his sister as unnecessary expenses. Only do this if your daughter is OK with it, though. I’m betting her brother has always scrutinized every single thing she received. NTJ.” Special_Lychee_6847
Another User Comments:
“NEEDS are all being met, right? You can’t equally spend on each kid.. so if one needs glasses that cost $100 so she can SEE… that doesn’t mean you HAVE TO spend $100 on toys for the other to have an equal amount of money spent on them??!!
That’s nuts! All needs must be met… then money can be spent on other stuff but it’s never going to be “equal”. Boarding school vs skin care … video games vs …. Whatever… kids are always going to WANT something and when you have two kids neither is ever going to think it’s fair… welcome to LIFE.
Stop it all with “it’s my money and I’m going to buy needs and MAYBE buy some wants but since it’s my money, I’ll decide.”” Somythinkingis
5. AITJ For Wanting My Partner To Cook Because I'm Angry That He Wasted The Food I Made?
“My (23f) partner (25M) and I live together and I’m responsible for food, whether it be cooking, ordering takeout, meal planning, whatever.
I usually buy our groceries, too, but this last week he covered them. I love cooking, and he likes my food, so it makes me happy to prepare stuff for us. He eats more than I do- a can of black beans will last me like, four meals, where he could finish it in two.
Therefore, I’ll prepare large portions. It saves me money and lets me experiment with the leftovers.
So. Yesterday morning I made black beans, cheese pupusas, salad, and plantains. I wasn’t going to finish it all, so before I left for work I told him there were leftovers if he wanted it.
Later at home that night when he asked about dinner and I mentioned the leftovers, which he said he didn’t want. I made us veggie hotpot instead to share and boiled some beef for him (I’m a vegetarian). We finished that together, and then when he had to leave for work a few hours later (he works a physically intensive job at night) I was going to pack him a sandwich like I normally do, but he said he’d just take the morning leftovers.
I asked how he’d heat it up and if he wanted to take a fork or something and he said they had a microwave and forks there, so he packed it and grabbed a plum, and left.
This morning, since I assumed he’d it finish off, I was planning on making biscuits, and I was in the kitchen about to prep the dough when he came home, I asked him how his night was and stuff, if he liked the beans, and he said he threw them away.
When he saw that the work kitchen didn’t have any forks he just tossed it (and the reusable container) in the trash. I asked him why didn’t he refrigerate it or something and I told him how much I hate wasted food, he shrugged and kind of laughed and said “Well, it’s food wasted now”, and then went to go shower.
I stopped making the dough and just started playing on my phone and he asked about breakfast once he came out, and I said “I don’t know yet.” He saw that I was upset, asked why, and all I said was “over the food”, and he apologized for wasting it, and is now sleeping against me.
I have ADHD, and it takes me a while to process why I’m feeling something. When he wakes up, I want to tell him I’m upset because I invested a lot of time in making that, and because there was so much left, I’m upset you threw out something that would’ve lasted me a while.
I also want to tell him that I want him to cook the next meal because I’m currently unmotivated to do so since he wasted mine. (I don’t want to cook anymore at all, but I feel like that is overreacting and I’m probably still processing).
Would I be the jerk for saying all that? Especially since this is the only time this has happened so far. Should I just let it go since he already apologized?”
Another User Comments:
“Speaking as someone who also has ADHD: I think you should tell him you appreciate his apology and bc this is the FIRST time this has happened you want to address it the right way.
tell him WHY you want him to cook the next meal (so he can see all the work that goes into making a meal for you both). Explain how this affected your ‘drive’ to cook meals. YWBTJ if you said the things you want to say and didn’t explain yourself/your feelings.
Process it first and execute your thoughts/feelings/emotions well in a conversation (not an argument) and you’re NTJ.” Kitchen_Ride1026
Another User Comments:
“No judgment because there are 2 streams at work here: 1) It is annoying for someone to throw out a reusable container and wasting food isn’t ideal. But 2) you are having a huge reaction to basically one container of beans.
So yes, more processing is definitely in order. You say you feel unmotivated to cook but you could always just decide to each cook your own food separately. There is no law that says couples can’t do that. If your style with leftovers is that different, and that difference upsets you so much, then that might be the best way to go.
My SO doesn’t like leftovers. I do. I don’t have any desire to change him. When I want to eat leftovers I do, and I respect that they are not his thing.” ServelanDarrow
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think you’re the jerk here, if it stops now, anything further is overkill.
I’d be looking at why this has triggered you, I’m wondering if you equate your cooking and food to your love for him, and him throwing it away hit you as a kind of rejection of it? Our subconscious mind is a funny thing.
I have ADHD as well and I also try to take time to process things, as I can overreact due to unconsciously being triggered in some situations. When I have a big reaction it usually means something else is going on, so I try to work out what that thing is and work on that.
A lot of people misunderstand what triggering is and will often deny that they are when they have big reactions that are out of proportion with the situation. But what it is, is their brain reacting to something from the past that they still haven’t resolved. I think it’s great you have posted here and realized that you were almost going to overreact.
I do hope you will look further into why. But also, having him cook is a great idea too. Gives him more insight and might make him appreciate, even more, the effort you go to. Who knows maybe he will enjoy it and you guys can cook together more in the future too!” Quirkyismymiddlename
4. AITJ For Being Upset That My MIL Gave The First Toast?
“My husband received a Bronze Star Medal from the Air Force last weekend for his meritorious service in Afghanistan in August of 2021. That evening we took both of our families and his deployment team out to a nice restaurant for a plated dinner party in a private room.
I planned the dinner, and my husband and I paid for it. It took a lot of time to find a restaurant that had availability and was within our budget. I worked hard to make it special for my husband.
A little backstory. My husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 11.5.
There have been numerous occasions where my mother-in-law has overstepped boundaries and taken control of important events and situations. It’s left me feeling disrespected as a person, as my husband’s wife, and as my daughters’ mom. This has been an ongoing issue since the start of our relationship.
My husband never has my back and he refuses to talk to his mom about how her behavior affects me and our marriage. I think she’s strategic and manipulative, and my husband thinks his mother does no wrong. This is not just an issue with my mother-in-law.
It’s an issue in our marriage because my husband allows his family to hurt me and stomp any/all boundaries and calls me dramatic and crazy when I tell him things have upset me. I feel as though my husband should be someone I can count on to protect me and keep me safe… especially from his family.
Back to the issue at hand. Mid-way through dinner, my mother-in-law stood up and tapped on her wine glass with a utensil to get everyone’s attention. She went on a big “spiel” and in her speech, she thanked everyone for being there that night, multiple times.
In her speech, she said everything I had planned to say myself. I wasn’t going to stand up after and repeat everything she had literally just said. At the end of her speech, she also thanked everyone for their support during my husband’s deployment.
She listed everyone in the room, and at the end, she said, “Oh… and his wife.” This felt very intentional. Her speech gave the impression that she hosted the dinner and paid for it. The waitress even thought she was the one “in charge” of the dinner after this & went to her with questions, instead of me.
I feel disrespected & very embarrassed that she gave the first toast. It was important to me to throw this dinner for my husband myself, especially because my mother-in-law always takes over everything I ever do for my husband. She easily could have asked me if she could give a toast, & I would have told her she could say something after both me & my husband did.
My husband said I am crazy and anyone can give a toast whenever they want to, and I am just “starting drama.” He said I have nothing to be upset over and I’m conjuring stuff up in my head. He refuses to acknowledge that his mom crossed a line and disrespected me and hurt my feelings.
He said if I’m hurt it’s my own fault because his mom did nothing wrong.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I think based on everything you’ve said, you’re already aware of this. I’m not even really sure why you posted here, to be honest. You know your MIL is deceitful and manipulative.
You know your husband will defend her no matter what. If she’s done things like this before, why would the dinner be any different? I think you honestly – in the kindest way possible – should see this as a wake-up call. Things will not change.
They haven’t for 11.5 years. This is not the kind of cycle you want to keep repeating, OP. It’s exhausting. What are the benefits you get from this marriage if it’s constantly strained because your husband can’t stand up to his mommy?
If there are any, are they worth enduring this repetitive conflict over and over again? If you decide they are, posting about it just seems pointless. You’ll be validated, sure, but nothing else is going to happen.” Sugar_Soul
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, to be honest my parents felt the same when they hosted and paid for our wedding reception and my MIL thought it’d be appropriate to make a welcoming speech, thank everyone for coming, and then go on and on and on for what felt like 40 minutes obsessing over her son, how great he is, how much she’ll miss him, etc. It IS rude and disrespectful to the hosts when you make a grandiose speech and act like the hosts who organize, pay, and plan the whole event.
Your MIL knew exactly what she was doing, as did mine. You have every right to feel disrespected as do my parents. People can make a toast sure, but to frame it in a way to give others the impression that they’re the host is so incredibly rude.
Especially if they’re intentionally beating the actual hosts to speaking first. My parents have said they will keep the mic privileges extremely strict in future weddings. With all that said, your husband can be the greatest man on the planet but if he can’t consider your feelings and see what his mom is doing, this problem can’t be solved. You have an SO problem right now.
It’ll be a MIL problem once you get your husband on board. He really needs to know how to prioritize his wife over his mother. Go to couples counseling. My husband was blind, so blind, to his family’s sh*t, even when they crossed illegal boundaries.
It wasn’t until a therapist reframed things for him and gave him so much needed perspective and a reality check that he finally started backing me up and protecting me from his family. Highly, highly recommend.” AnxiousPineapple13
Another User Comments:
“Your MIL keeps acting this way towards you because your husband let her do and she doesn’t face any consequences.
So your biggest issue is with your husband. You are absolutely NTJ for feeling hurt or disrespected because your feelings are valid and you should have been heard and supported by your husband. The issue is he will always believe his mother can’t do wrong, he will never stand up for you, call her out, or set boundaries with her.
First, you need to cut contact with her. Refuse to talk to her, to see or visit her. Make it clear she’s not welcome to your house. If your husband wants to see her he will have to go to her house. Suggest couples therapy to him.
If he refuses you know that nothing will change. From now on if she disrespects you in any way do not hesitate to call her out loudly and call your husband out if he defends her. This is a serious long-term issue OP. A lot of marriages end because of this type of MILs’ behaviors and the lack of support from the partners.” CremeDeMarron
3. AITJ For Refusing To Stop Selling Certain Foods To A Teenager Against His Parents' Wishes?
“I have a deli in a small community.
Recently, this kid who is 13 or 14 has been coming and buying some food that is apparently forbidden in their religion. I don’t want to mention specifics, think something like pork for Muslims or Jewish people (they are neither Muslim nor Jewish, I’m just making an example).
I’m not one to judge people for the food they eat, if you pay for it you’ll get it. I’m running a business here and I don’t want to turn customers away.
His parents came to me and asked me to not sell him these specific items which he’s not allowed to eat.
And I said this is not really my business, this sounds like a matter between them and their child and really there’s nothing I can do here. The mother said the son is going through a phase and I can help but I just said no because nobody is forcing the child to come here and quite frankly if I don’t sell it the kid goes somewhere else, it’s not as if I’m the only one selling this forbidden food around.
He can buy it from 10 other places in a 5-minute walk. The mother said “you could have been 10% of the solution instead of 0%” and they were upset and left disappointed.
I explained it to my wife and she said, to my surprise, that I could have helped them out and the way I dismissed them was rather jerk-ish, so that’s why I’m here to see what people think.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. His parents were asking you to help them enforce rules from a belief system that this kid clearly isn’t interested in following. If he’s a teenager he’s old enough to start making decisions about what he believes and if his parents are so worried about it they should have a genuine conversation with the kid instead of having random deli workers refuse him service in an attempt to control what he does and enforce their belief system onto him.” CephalopodSpy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It isn’t something he’s allergic to so you’re doing nothing wrong. He’s of an age where he’s allowed to start making decisions for himself (within reason). My 13-year-old has just made the decision to go vegan – and I respect that and instantly said ok.
If one of my children decided to follow a particular religion (we aren’t religious but in-laws are deeply religious) I would say ok and support them. It isn’t on a shopkeeper/stranger to enforce a religion he is clearly rebelling against, it is for his parents to sit down and have a talk about.
And it’s down to the kid to decide what he truly wants. Trying to force it is just going to backfire spectacularly on the parents.” Global_Monk_5778
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, 100%. “You could have been 10% of the solution instead of 0%.” The audacity is astonishing.
The solution to what? There is no issue. She is using a random book some dudes wrote hundreds of years ago to control her child, and he rightfully found a way around it. There is no reason to pointlessly control things like this about your kid, other than to get a power trip.
This woman needs to take a step back and realize her son is his own person with his own thoughts. Just because it’s what she believes doesn’t mean it’s what he does. He deserves autonomy and you continuing to serve him is a great way to help him gain that.” bayleebugs
2. AITJ For Being Angry At My Neighbors For Waking Me Up At 4 AM?
“I was sleeping when I woke up to my doorbell ringing nonstop at 4 AM. Because I live alone in a small building in the downtown of a big city, I have a policy with myself of not opening the door late if I don’t know who it is, since sometimes there are heavy drinkers at night (bars close by) and anti-social behavior.
Well, the doorbell kept ringing and ringing and ringing and I was getting really angry since I had to wake up at 7 to go to work. So I opened my window and shouted to please stop it or I would call the cops. I see a couple of dudes trying to say something and I shut my window since I don’t want to hear insults thrown my way.
Immediately they kept ringing more and more and I think to myself it might be something else, so I opened the window again and one of the dudes says they are my neighbor from flat number 3 and they are locked out of the building.
I grab my keys and go down absolutely furious… it turns out they went for a smoke and locked themselves out of the main building door.
I went mildly ballistic “next time you call a locksmith!” “This is ridiculous” “I have to wake up in 3 hours!”
They sort of apologized and wished me a good night, but I just went back to my flat absolutely furious and I couldn’t fall back asleep due to the adrenaline.
I now feel kinda bad for being so angry, especially when I think “What would I do if I was in that situation?” However, then I think “I wouldn’t go for a smoke at 4 AM with my mate early Monday!”
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“100% NTJ!! Someone continuously ringing your doorbell, or pounding on your door is annoying at any time of the day or night. The kind of annoyance that induces anger and frustration. The fact that this was happening in the dead of night three hours before you have to get up for work is enough to send any human being over the edge with pure annoyance, anger, and rage.
Add in that they did not apologize as profusely as they should have. And I am guessing did not apologize to you the very next time they saw you. You are well within your rights to be truly angry.” Betrayed_Orphan
Another User Comments:
“I lived in a block of flats once and frequently had idiots buzzing on my intercom at stupid o clock in the morning.
I got sick and tired of them so used to ignore it and they’d usually move on to buzzing someone else. One night I had the same as you – someone pressing constantly on the buzzer and wouldn’t leave off. I eventually picked up and shouted ”What???” – turned out to be the police trying to get into the building lol.
I told them off severely and got an apology – they never buzzed my place again. You’re NTJ – it’s massively frustrating to be woken up.. it startles you and sets your brain off into fight or flight mode.” singing_stream
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I wouldn’t have gone downstairs at all. I had a neighbor do this, incoherently screaming and banging on my first-floor windows. I ignored it because why would I open the door to someone screaming and banging on my windows? Someone eventually called the cops and they helped her somehow get back into the building.
The next day she confronted me asking if I heard her and why I didn’t let her in. I said once she had lived here for a little while she would find that screaming outside was pretty normal and I would never let someone into the building under those circumstances.
Welcome to the city.” eulb_yltnasaelp
1. AITJ For Demanding My Friend Return The Money He Lied About Needing For A Family Emergency?
“My friend (20M) and I (19F) both go to school in the US, but we are both in a foreign country in Europe to gain work experience. The internship is unpaid, but the school provides a small stipend to pay rent for those with financial need. My friend and I both got the stipend.
We have a week and a half left here. My friend suddenly told me he needs to fly to Austria to see his mother (he’s a citizen of Austria, but our school is in the US) because she’s sick. She had cancer in the past, and he said they think it might have come back.
He has no more stipend money, so he asked me to loan him $110 for the plane. I found out he’s actually in Paris with his partner. My other friend showed me his private Instagram story. His mom is fine.
I got upset at him because he deceived me, and he admitted it and said “but you wouldn’t have given me the money if I told you the truth.” I said he needs to give me back the money so I can eat because I’m stuck here another week with basically no money for food.
He is ignoring me now, and my other friends are saying it’s warranted because of my harsh words for him.
I literally have like $15 to eat for a week and a half. I need the money so I don’t starve alone in a foreign country, but they’re acting like I’m being an unreasonable person for demanding it, and he isn’t answering.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He lied about why he needed it and not just that, but he used a fake cancer scare as an excuse so he could go see his partner. That kind of lie is just manipulative and dirty. Why didn’t his partner pay for him?
And him saying he knew you wouldn’t have given him the money otherwise proves he knows it was wrong. No amount of harsh words from you makes what he did ok. I’d be blowing up his phone and social media until he gave it back.
Probably the partner’s too. If he blocked me, I’d start telling all his friends how he used his mother to steal money from me. He is no longer a friend. All bets are off.” Blonde-Engineer-3
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m curious what you said to him because I can honestly imagine nothing you could have said that would have made your so-called friends take his side in this.
Honestly give him an ultimatum either the money is paid back or it goes further. The further being screenshots to his mother, your school (they may have some code of conduct regarding the moral character of students), and social media so he can be publicly shamed for lying about his mother being sick to get you to pay for a holiday for him.
Oh and besides that I would try to contact the university or somewhere to see if something can be done so you don’t starve. This may just be me just being a bit angry overall about this situation but hey if these friends keep shaming you despite having all the facts in front of them they may be in for some shaming on social media too because honestly anyone defending this guy for what he did isn’t much better especially if they’re pressuring you into not getting the money back.” fatherted98
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! He INTENTIONALLY lied to you because he KNEW you wouldn’t give it to him to go to Paris with his partner and now his friends are gaslighting you. I am Queen Petty so I would either: 1. Post that screenshot to TikTok and IG and tag him and tell my friends exactly what he did to me and that he left me with $15 dollars to eat for a week and a half and refuses to give me back my money so I won’t starve.
2. Start a GoFundMe: The Campaign would be ‘Help My So-Called Friend (first name) Lied To Me & Left Me To Starve in XYZ Country.’ The campaign description would be everything you stated above. 3. Ask my friends and family to CashApp me and the minute I got back to the US I would file a claim with small claims court.
And I would also do the following: He scammed you which is illegal in the US. I would report him to the school, the department head, file a police report and report him to the police, the FBI and your state attorney general.I would not say a word.
His actions may get him expelled from school and deported. Actions have consequences. Number 3 may be your best option. So sorry this happened to you.” stinstin555
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