People Wish Their “Am I The Jerk?” Stories Didn’t Consume Their Thoughts
20. AITJ For Not Giving My Dad The Inheritance My Mom Left Me?
“My (43F) mom (72F) passed away suddenly last year. We had a strained relationship but we made peace before she passed.
My mom and dad (75M) had been divorced for 10 years when she passed. They negotiated their divorce themselves and did not involve lawyers. My dad gave my mom more than half of their total assets because she had been a SAHM and he still had earning potential when they split.
When my mom was sick she explained to me multiple times that she had left everything to me because she trusted me to split it with my siblings. She wanted my brother (39M) and me to each get half, then she wanted the two of us to decide what to give my sister (45F), who was estranged from my mom.
A few days after my mom died I spoke to my dad and he said that he and my mom had had a “verbal agreement” that she would leave him about a quarter of her assets if she died before him. At the time I was receptive and said that if possible I would give it to him.
We agreed not to talk about it with anyone else but I ended up asking friends and my brother for their input.
I eventually decided that I would give my dad the money but I would split it up over ten years because I’m concerned that he would mismanage it and I also did not want to end up with zero as my brother got half and my sister and I each got a quarter so my dad’s requested amount was almost my entire inheritance.
My dad and I spoke over the winter and he brought up the money. I said something along the lines of “I don’t think it makes sense to give you the lump sum but I was thinking of splitting it up over 10 years.” He became angry and started yelling at me that every penny of the money belonged to him.
The conversation ended badly.
I shared some of my concerns about the situation with a cousin. It got back to my dad and he sent me a scorched earth email saying that he is done with me and that this whole thing had been masterminded by me so I could keep all the money for myself.
I forwarded the email to two of my cousins and was like, he’s done with me but please let me know if something happens to him.
So now we are not on speaking terms. But what I keep thinking of is that some of his outrage might be due to health issues I.e. he’s not thinking clearly.
He might have dementia or another issue. He has always been like this but not at this level. I also on principle do not believe in leaving my father high and dry in his old age. I’ve always had the intention of helping him however I can.
He was not a perfect father but he did a lot for me. If he is truly in dire financial straits I do not want to abandon him, but it is really hard to decipher the truth about his financial situation. For now, I am doing nothing.
But I am not at peace. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But here’s the thing. It is not up to you how your mom’s estate is distributed. If she has a will, it has to go the way her will says it goes. If she doesn’t have one, then it goes according to the laws of “intestate succession” where you live, which is going to leave nothing to her ex-husband and is likely to leave everything to her living children in equal shares.
If she had a verbal agreement with her ex to leave money to him, the fault is hers for not making that official. There’s no way it’s on you. If her will left everything to you and she told you to split it with your siblings, then you should do as she wished, and you are NTJ for leaving your dad out of it.” sportsbraFTW
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your dad is lying to you and trying to manipulate you. 1. Your mum would have told you if she wanted anything to go to your father. She told you exactly what she wanted you to do and trusted you. 2. “Don’t tell anyone about this” is cover-up for “I am being dishonest and if anyone knows the truth will come out”.
3. If your dad wants to cut communication because you won’t give him *your* money he doesn’t care about you, just what you can do for him. If that was an official agreement it would have either been in the will, or been expressed to you.
And if it was a discussion from the past it doesn’t mean it was a promise, your mum may have changed her mind. If you want to help your father financially and support him if he needs it you can. And you (and your sibling/s) can choose how to do it.
But know it is coming from YOU. Although he’s the jerk here and doesn’t sound like he deserves anything, just wants to benefit from the death of his ex-wife.” pluvio_fille
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother clearly trusted you to be fair when dividing up the money, and I have a hard time believing she wouldn’t have mentioned giving your father some of the money as well.
Especially as you mentioned she brought it up to you multiple times. If you are concerned about your father’s well-being or mismanaging the money, I would not have even shared any of it with him and kept a private fund that you could utilize for medical expenses or such that he may require if it is a health issue.
The fact that you were willing to even give him any money, still are looking to be a supportive person to him, and provided half of your half to your sister proves that you are definitely NTJ. I am sorry for your loss OP.” shmuckalert
19. AITJ For Not Funding My Ex's Visits To See Our Children?
“I (40M, she’s 39) have custody of our two children, who have lived with me for a few years now. We had a very messy divorce, and though the case isn’t legally over yet, the judge made a preliminary ruling that says she has to pay me alimony.
I do not try to enforce this and don’t care.
It baffles me that she makes no effort to see our children more often (16 and 10). She moved to another city, which is a 2.5-hour drive away. She always has excuses about money or lack of a car, and sometimes makes comments to our children that I’m the reason she doesn’t visit more often, given she has no money and I don’t provide her with any.
I don’t know what her money situation really is, we don’t really talk much and for me personally, it’s best that we just don’t, and preferably that we don’t see each other at all if possible. So, for me, it’s pretty nice that she only shows up every few months.
But, I know our children miss her and would like to see her more often. Plus it’s better to have a relationship to one’s mother, even if it can be a little toxic, no?
I could give her the money so she can come visit, but I have a lot of resistance against it.
I feel like she will just try to take advantage and stress me the f out. Also, it’s HER responsibility to care and find a way to see them anyway, right? It just breaks my heart that our children can’t have a proper relationship with her…
I know she’s being a jerk, but am I being one too? Feels like a very thin line.”
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ if you gave your ex money to come see the kids. You do understand that it’s the money she’s after, right? And that her seeing the kids if you give her money is not because she wants to see them, but because she wants to keep the money coming in.
Your children already know she’s toxic and doesn’t care for them. Except every time you allow her to waltz into their lives for a moment, you are just allowing her to string them along and keep the hope alive. Google ‘intermittent reinforcement’ if you want to understand how this behavior can create addictive behavior in human beings.
This is what abusers use to keep their victims attached to them emotionally even when it makes no sense to people on the outside of the relationship. It is NOT good for kids to have a toxic relationship with anyone, parent or not, and it’s your job to protect them from their mom’s behavior to the extent you can.
If she complains about not seeing them due to lack of funds, you can just tell the kids that it’s her responsibility to do what she needs to do to be a part of their lives and that she has many options for maintaining contact that she can afford to take.
Then you just don’t do anything to try to make it easier for her to visit. You don’t put up obstacles, but you don’t tear them down and make her path easier either. If she chooses not to visit, that’s on her. Eventually, your kids will realize who she is and grieve for the loss of the mom they deserved but didn’t get.
It wouldn’t hurt to get therapy for them, if you can do that.” Great_Clue_7064
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re a good dad for wanting your kids to have what they need, and not a bad person to not want to pay for an adult to see her own kids.
She chose to move far away from her own children. That SUCKS for them (and I totally get why it’s easier for you, for which: no judgment). Instead of giving her money, could you tell the kids to choose a time and weekend that works for her, and pay for the Airbnb so they can stay together for a weekend or something?
Like, make the reservation, pay, show the kids you want it to happen? And prepare for the chance she might not come, and how to help their little hearts heal from that? She made the distance choice, but maybe she doesn’t make the trip because it’s too short a visit?
I don’t know…I can’t imagine what’s making her tick. But either way, you’re not the problem here.” Apotheuncary
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it is a really thin line and it is really really hard. The best way to answer this question is for you, do you feel like you tried?
A real honest effort. Do your kids have access to call her when they need to talk to her, and vice versa? Are you going out of your way to restrict access to the kids when it’s unnecessary? I’m definitely not saying you need to pay for her to visit every time and provide unfettered access for her to abuse you in the name of your kids.
Access to your kids will take effort on her part and as long as you feel like you’re not the barrier, you’re fine. You’re doing what you can do, and that shouldn’t be mistaken for “do everything.”” she_who_is_not_named
18. AITJ For Refusing To Throw A Big Party For My 3-Year-Old Daughter?
“My daughter is turning 3 in May and I’m planning to throw her a small party with family and friends like I normally do.
We usually have joint parties so my ex and his fiancée asked me what I was planning to do this year. When I explained, the fiancée said she thought we should do something bigger since at 3 my daughter was old enough to enjoy some fun things.
Her ‘vision’ sounded like it was more for the adults, than for my daughter so I said no.
She wouldn’t accept my no and kept insisting and suggesting other ideas so I turned to my ex and reminded him we had an agreement. My ex’s family is known to put on big events and when my oldest was born they wanted to throw big parties for him but my ex and I agreed those parties were more for the adults than for the children so we would have small birthday parties until our kids were old enough to have more of an input into what types of parties they want.
He did agree with me which made her upset since she claims he always takes my side. She then said that we didn’t need to do joint parties anymore and they would throw their own party for my daughter. I still told her no and we had an argument before they left.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I honestly don’t know what she is thinking… Is she trying to assert dominance? Prove to her fiancee that she’s a better mom than you because she can throw bigger parties? Compete with you? If you and the ex have a previous agreement and you’re not up for what she’s suggesting, then she needs to drop it.
As a side note… I’m a child of divorce and my parents always hated each other so I got separate birthday parties. I hated it. My parents would one-up each other, it was a pain deciding who I got to see for which day, etc etc. Good for you for having joint parties, please keep that up as long as you can for your daughter’s sake.” doodlydoo2222
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Stepmother’s universe: “small birthdays can be an awesome excuse to have a fun party.” Your universe: “big parties for small children are silly since they don’t really get what’s going on.” These both can be true at the same time the only real difference is if adults want to be at a party.
I can see that from her side bringing your daughter into her world of throwing big parties and bringing people together at every opportunity could like an expression of love for your daughter that is being rejected. From yours, she’s doing something inexplicable, effort-intensive and pointless and expressing control over your child.
Obviously, if you and your ex disagree that’s the real problem because you both get “final say” on what happens to your daughter. So work it out with him.” Starfleet_Intern
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk I was with you until you told her she can’t hold her own party for your daughter.
If it’s dad’s parenting time and they want to hold a celebration then it’s not really your place to say no. It’s Dad’s responsibility to manage what goes on during his time. Ideally, you and your ex will be able to co-parent effectively. You each have the right to weigh in your opinions and come to an agreement.
But you should each be able to spend time with your child in a way that suits you, as long as it’s not causing harm to your child. You don’t like big parties. And that’s okay. No one is asking you to host a big party.
But just because you don’t like them doesn’t mean that Dad (and his family) shouldn’t have one. Hopefully, they will take lots of pictures for your child to have when they get older. And if your child expresses when they’re older that they don’t want a large party, that’s the time to “put your foot down.”” Llyndreth
17. AITJ For Confronting My Friend About Ignoring Me During A Planned Visit?
“I’ve been friends with this person for years. She’s been there for me through thick and ultra thin; Abusive exes, abusive father, etc. etc.
So this happened about a month ago, my friend (18F) invited me (18X) to spend the night at her house. I was already reluctant to do so because it typically ends in a fight or me being completely ignored by her.
But I love her family, and her dog, so I went.
I was supposed to go right after I got off work and spend the night. She lives over an hour and a half away from me. I finally drove up there and when I got there, I get a text asking me to come later because her partner had come over.
No big deal, I understand needing time with a partner after a long week. I ended up getting her some things, snacks, a few gifts, because I had the time. The time I’m supposed to go rolls around, about 2 hours later, and she asks me to wait another two hours.
I agreed, pulled over to a McDonald’s to plug my phone in and wait.
When I finally get there, her partner is still there. I say hi, and interact with her family while she talks to him. He left about midnight and I’ve already been there another two hours.
This is six hours I’m supposed to have been with her. She’s ignored me the whole time. We end up going to bed and she hasn’t even seen the gifts yet.
She ends up sleeping till 1:30 pm, which is normal, so again, no big deal. I woke up at 6.
AFTER she wakes up, she tells me another friend is coming at 2 so they can work on a big project. She takes a shower and I leave with them at 2:30. At this point I’ve talked to her maybe ten minutes.
I just went home, I was irritated, and hurt, and I ended up sending her a long text about how if she invites me over, I’m coming with the expectation she’s actually going to pay attention to me, and that I don’t want to go to her house anymore.
We got in a huge fight over it and she brought up the fact that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which can cause irrational jealousy and extreme emotion. It’s been a month and she still won’t talk to me, and I’m starting to wonder if maybe I’m the jerk for it, if I let BPD get the best of me..
my parents seem to think so, but my partner doesn’t. I just don’t know…”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your friend was in the wrong on many levels. 1. If you need someone to push back their arrival time, you have to let them know before they leave.
She knows it’s an hour and a half drive to you and she didn’t tell you to come later until after you’d already made the drive. 2. If you invite someone, you don’t make plans that exclude them. She should have told her partner that she’d already made plans with you or asked you if it was ok to include her partner.
That’s basic manners. 3. Why in the world would she invite you over if she had a commitment at 2 pm the next day? She should have picked a different weekend or at the very least let you know in advance so you could decide if it was worth it.
4. For her to be so objectively rude and then blame your mental health is abusive behavior on her part. There may well be times when you are unreasonably jealous, but this wasn’t one of them. She’s gaslighting you.” CK1277
Another User Comments:
“From what you described NTJ.
However, could your BPD be coloring your perception of the night? I have a crazy brain too (ocd, ADHD, and severe anxiety) and sometimes I will be so agitated because of my crazy brain that I will take things out of context or cause my own alienation.
Even if this is the case it isn’t cool of her to throw things you can’t help at you. I would consider how your life has been without her. Do you feel like there is a void or do you feel like it was a friendship that had run its course and maybe it is time to make new friends closer to home?” Chelular07
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your “friend” was inconsiderate. If the roles were reversed, it’s highly likely that she’d feel pretty much what you felt. Her failure to acknowledge her complete disregard for your efforts, time, and patience..then trying to downplay it (and/or make you doubt yourself) as your fault due to your condition is what I believe the kids today call “gaslighting”.
This might be a perfect time to let this “friendship” go until she is willing to pull her weight.” AintNoUserFound
16. AITJ For Prioritizing Financial Responsibility Over My Partner's Medical Debt?
“I (29M) am currently in a long-distance relationship with my partner (33F), and we are supposed to be moving in together within the next couple of months. This has prompted some tough conversations, and one occurred today which sparked a fight. She went to the dentist today and was quoted for some dental work she is considering having done.
She sent me a picture of the quote which was going to be around $4300 USD and the line item states: “comprehensive orthodontic treatment of the adult dentition”, which after a quick search indicated to me this is optional, not mandatory. She gave no other explanation to accompany the picture, so I still don’t know what it is exactly for or how badly she needs it, because the fight ensued after I stated that it was extremely expensive and she cannot afford that (yes I know the US healthcare system is bad).
She realizes she cannot afford it all at once but would like to make payments.
The problem lies in that she does not consider the costs of healthcare AT ALL and simply states that if it is for her well-being and health, then she will get it done and figure out the payments later.
She has all sorts of outstanding medical debt already, which I don’t even know the full extent of, and quite frankly I don’t even think she knows. She will periodically tell me she owes $800 here or $1200 there for various medical procedures she has had in the past, hospital stays, etc. and this is going back as much as 5 or more years at times.
She has a slew of medical bills in collections at any given time and she continues to make the bare minimum payments to get creditors off her back, meanwhile accumulating more and more medical debt.
She thinks I am the jerk because her position is that I am prioritizing money over her health.
Essentially, cost is the first question I ask, whereas cost is the last question she asks. She said she and her ex were in alignment on this and that he had no problem with her racking up unlimited medical debt because “her health is the #1 priority”.
While of course health is important, people have to make choices regarding their health every day, and weigh the pros and cons accordingly. She thinks of medical expenses as a blank check that can be run up as high as needed.
I think she is the jerk because this directly impacts me.
When we move in together, naturally finances intermingle. She already cannot afford her current lifestyle, because she has two kids, a large car payment, and a low-paying job. I just graduated with my Master’s and am going to be making at least 2x what she makes, so my position is that her taking on additional large quantities of debt will directly impact me, as I will feel obligated to help her pay this stuff.
My position is not that medical care is not important, but rather that debt, regardless of the reason, should be carefully considered, and that a blank check cannot be written under the guise of “but it’s for my health”. We are now in a fight about this and it could be a huge impediment to our relationship.”
Another User Comments:
“Honestly, I am torn on this, if she is in a lot of pain and has a bad tooth that needs removal or something, then yeah I can see that being necessary because it does impact her daily living, but usually orthodontic work is cosmetic.
To be honest though? I don’t think you should be with this person. Having this far extremes in different views on money and debt sounds like a deal breaker. The number one cause of divorce is money-related issues, and if you go into a relationship already resenting the fact that she lives above her means and isn’t money-smart, then I can’t see where it wouldn’t always be a stress to deal with.
You might be better off just cutting ties and finding someone who has the same views on money as you do. No jerks here.” EvocativeEnigma
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you legit need to talk about finances ASAP if you’re moving in together. You need to know all of her debt and expenses and her expectations of what you’ll pay for.
She could be OK with her debt, but if it spirals, you’ll need to cover costs elsewhere (think “I can’t pay for my car repair because of my expenses. You make more money than me anyway.”) Also if her credit score stinks, it will impact your ability to buy a house or a car together and you’ll have to put everything in your name.
It does matter and the longer you put off the talk, the more complicated it gets. Get on the same page quickly. Money surprises are rarely good. If she doesn’t want to talk about it, it’s a red flag.” kimrockr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It just seems like there are an awful lot of red flags for a future with the two of you. You are someone who is very budget-conscious/financially responsible. She is someone who seems incapable of budgeting and is used to running up bills that she is only able to pay by shuffling payments and minimums. You are single, will be making considerably more than her, and presumably have plans to save a considerable portion of your salary for long and short-term goals (heck, I wish I was as budget-conscious as you!) She has two kids, a low-paying job, a $600 car payment, and does not seem predisposed to working towards saving in the same way as you currently are.
You are in a long-distance relationship, where you probably are not even fully aware of her daily expenditures and normal spending patterns. Or of what kind of costs are associated with bringing up her children (or how those might change as your income is added to the household pot.) I just don’t see this ending well without a lot of discussion in advance about who will be responsible for what, and the consequences of not being able to establish a mutually acceptable plan.” Mexicalidesi
15. AITJ For Not Telling My Fiancé How Much Child Support I Receive From My Ex?
“Currently my fiancé and I split all of our household expenses 50/50. However, we’re looking to move into a bigger place so that all of our kids have their own space. We’ve been talking about our incomes and budget a lot to try to figure out how to make it work.
During this conversation, he asked me how much money my ex gives me for my son.
I didn’t want to tell him for two reasons; 1. Everything is always a competition between my ex and fiancé and I knew telling him the amount would just set off another competition.
2. My ex can be… unreliable… so what he gives me today might not be what he gives me in 2 months so when I budget I try to use the minimum he would have to give me as he never gives me less than that.
I could tell he was upset at my refusal to tell him but he initially dropped it.
Then my ex came to pick up my son and my fiancé decided to make jabs at him about how he didn’t support our son and it was pointless buying him toys and taking him on trips when we had to take care of his day-to-day expenses.
This led to a fight between them where my ex told him how much he gave me.
Now my fiancé is angry at me for not telling him and my ex is angry at me for making him seem like he doesn’t financially help with our son.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Don’t get married. You’re simply not ready. Neither is he. Partners in a marriage should not be keeping secrets from each other. That you want to keep a secret from your fiancé because he will react badly sets a precedent that keeping secrets from each other is okay.
That’s not a partnership. That’s not how a marriage works. And if his reaction to things your ex does is like this, he’s not ready to be with you. You have a child with your ex. That person will always be a part of your life.
Your fiancé can either adapt to the fact or not be with you. He cannot change it. That he has these outbursts is inappropriate at best and a sign that he could probably use some counseling. To be honest, I think you both could.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here kinda except your ex in this case, if only a little for getting into a competition with your fiancé. What I don’t understand is, why you wouldn’t just tell him… You should trust your partner enough in a relationship to tell them things like this, esp. if you’re buying (I assume) a bigger house.
That makes you a jerk. Your fiancé though is a jerk for jumping to conclusions like this and attacking your ex over them. Why does he suddenly wanna know anyway? I should add, that if your fiancé wants to know cause he wants to count that money into the financial expenses for the house – that’s not okay!
I don’t agree when people think that child support should go exclusively to the child – cause living expenses are a thing. But that’s not a figure you can count into financing your bigger house.” rusalkamaya
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You need to set a hard boundary with your fiancé that he needs to be cordial to ex.
You can’t really force your ex to be cordial to your fiancé, but it would be worth having a conversation with him that being competitive with your fiancé doesn’t help anyone including his child so knock it off. But you can certainly let fiancé know he needs to be an adult about this and not be goaded by your ex.
I agree that you and your fiancé aren’t ready to get married and need to work on how he interacts with your ex so you don’t feel you have to keep information from him.” Born_Ad8420
14. AITJ For Refusing To Take Kids To Baseball Practice That My Ex Signed Them Up For?
“My ex-husband, we’ll call him Bob (M31), and I (F28) have two kids (M5 and F7) together.
Without talking to me or asking about my schedule, Bob signed our kids up for baseball. The kids don’t want to do baseball in the first place, they do have another sport they like though. Their practices are on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, with games on Monday.
All of the events are around 7 pm start time. The days are tentative because things change.
Now, Bob also went and signed himself up for a local softball league. The softball league didn’t start until a month or two after the children’s baseball so he took the kids to their events.
Well, when Bob’s league started, he started saying that I needed to take the kids to the events because he had to go to his. I told him no, I am in no way obligated to take them to events he signed them up for (that they don’t want to do in the first place) just because he wanted to go to his events.
Normally around then, I’m still working and will be for a few more hours and I can’t leave. As far as he’s concerned, I’m the worst mother ever because I won’t leave work to take them for him so that he can do what he wants to instead.
Does refusing to take care of his poorly made commitments make me the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ IF the kids don’t want to do baseball. Your ex is an all-around stinker.
- signing the kids up for any activities should be a joint decision
- if he makes a unilateral decision he should also take sole responsibility
- your work trumps his fun time.
However, if your kids were really into it, I would try to find a way to keep them in that doesn’t affect your work. It is also unfair to the rest of the kids on the team, though that is solely your ex’s responsibility.
Congratulations on no longer being married to him!” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He never asked for your opinion before signing them up, and they don’t want to go, so dropping out is no big loss. If either of them express interest next season then you and he can cooperate to figure something out, but baseball is not a necessity, and he should not have obligated your time anywhere without asking you first. Also seems painfully obvious why you’re no longer married to him.
I’ll bet he didn’t respect your time or efforts much when you were married, either, just took it for granted you would always be available to do whatever needed doing. Hasn’t learned, has he?” AccessibleBeige
Another User Comments:
“No, it does not make you a jerk.
NTJ. But you need to make this more about what the kids want and not about what he did. I agree that he needs to take them since you’re still working at that time. He was an idiot to not talk to you about this.
Tell him the kids don’t want to do this sport, they want to do y sport. What they want is more important than what he wants. Also, tell him that both y’all schedules need to be considered when signing them up for something. Meaning if you can’t make it, he has to.
Or he asks a grandparent to cover. Same goes the other way around. But again, it’s far more important that the kids do a sport they ENJOY.” 2tinymonkeys
13. AITJ For Defending My Strength As A Cancer Survivor To My Friends?
“I (17F) am a cancer survivor, yep pretty cool, right? However, I don’t tell everyone because it’s not typically their business, so here’s how I got this story.
I was out with dinner with my friends and a brand new group of friends who had recently joined my group, they were a bunch of dudes so I normally hang around the people I’m closest with.
Well, one thing to note about me, I am very. Very. Very skinny. As in I’m very obviously someone who is either sick or dealing with something else (I’m sick), I’m currently 80lbs and still struggle with food intolerance and whatever, but I know how to handle it and everything.
The night of the dinner I wore a short sleeve, I have really skinny and bony arms and it’s definitely noticeable but I don’t mind – the new guys immediately started mentioning it. At first, I thought they were being nice, with stuff like “are you ok?” etc, but one guy made a comment about me being weak.
I won’t lie, yes I’m not strong, I’m not someone who can bench 150 pounds, sometimes I can barely pull myself out of the shower, but I am not weak.
So, I said this, “Y’know what, I’m the strongest one sitting at this table, anyone can bench weights but not everyone can beat cancer”.
Yeah. I made dinner awkward for the rest of the night and ended up leaving early, now everyone is being weird about me and asking why I lashed out like that… I honestly think I’m pretty reasonable.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I have been extremely skinny my entire life, and people have commented since forever ago things like, “wow you are SO SKINNY” “you need to eat” “dude are you ok?
Go eat a hamburger put some meat on your bones” etc. It is completely out of my control how fast my metabolism is, I definitely eat more than most. But no one would go up to someone overweight and say “wow you’re FAT” “wow you should eat less??” The double standard has annoyed me immensely, and I applaud you for saying what you said.
NTJ in any way shape or form, put those people in their place.” FluffLordTheSeal
Another User Comments:
“Totally NTJ, and you rock. I speak as a geologist. I love rocks. Back when I was in my early 20s and struggling with my weight (I’ve had a weight problem all my life, look at my baby pics and they’re a soccer ball in a dress, with a head and arms) an older woman colleague, who’d been heavy for the few years I’d known her, lost a lot of weight in a few months.
I was really impressed. She must have an awesome diet! We didn’t work in the same group so we didn’t talk often, but one day I told her how impressed I was. She explained that it was due to battling cancer, and I probably flushed a brilliant red with humiliation.
But she was really gracious about it, totally in character. That was my first and best lesson in keeping my darned mouth shut about other people’s bodies.” RockWhisperer2013
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As a fellow cancer survivor, people need to learn to mind their business about other people’s bodies particularly being critical even if it’s in a “joking” manner.
(Saying it’s joking is just a cover for being a jerk.) You were tolerant up to a point and then you told them the truth. The reason they are being awkward is because the truth made them uncomfortable. Among other things why didn’t any of your close friend group step in?
That makes them jerks too for not intervening when the dude was being rude to you. Sounds like all of these people need to learn about boundaries and being a decent person.” Born_Ad8420
12. AITJ For Asking My Wife's Long-Term Guest To Sleep In A Bedroom Instead Of The Couch?
“My wife’s friend has been staying with us for 6 months, give or take. We don’t get along, but we just stay clear of each other and it’s fine. They mostly have been staying out in a van with a bed, but because it’s summertime, it’s been getting too hot in the van, so they’ve been alternating between staying in my kids’ rooms while the kids are on various summer camp trips.
I was posted up in one of my kids’ rooms working from home while we had some work done on our kitchen. But I moved my computer out of the room and into my bedroom as to give my wife’s friend a room to stay in.
Today, I asked my wife to talk to her friend about not sleeping on the couch in common areas, as it makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I can’t use them and I have to be quiet when I walk anywhere in my home.
I only asked this of my wife’s friend AFTER I cleared a room for them.
My wife’s friend stormed out of the house tonight and my wife is furious that I would make such a request, uprooting them from the comfort of my couch to sleep in a room.
Am I the jerk here? Is there something I’m missing??”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I feel the friend and your wife have become far too used to this arrangement so it seems normal to them. It shouldn’t be. The friend is acting like they are an equal member of the family rather than a guest who has overstayed their welcome and is getting far too comfortable in someone else’s home.
Your wife also needs to be reminded that you and she are equals in the house and should get half a say each and the friend’s opinion shouldn’t count. It’s one thing catering to a guest who is visiting for a short duration and another having to deal with a guest who has forgotten that they were ever supposed to leave and is treating your home as if they have just as much right to it as you do.
You have been tolerant until now, letting your wife have her way, with the friend staying for so long — but that shouldn’t be mistaken for your wife having the right to set the rules or them somehow getting two-thirds of the vote on how things should be in the house.
If anything, the pendulum has been swung over to your wife’s side for far too long and it’s high time it swung back to your side to get some balance and fairness happening. The friend not sleeping in the common areas is the least of it.
They should make plans to get out. Acting like they own the place or are another spouse who can storm off and give you the silent treatment or whatever is ludicrous.” jwjnthrowawaykfeiofj
Another User Comments:
“I’ll tell you this, from experience – if you don’t start to cut this off now before the resentment starts, it will begin to get in between your wife and you.
I let a friend stay (and overstay) his welcome – it was an ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE. it started to grow tension in my relationship. luckily, my partner started seeing the things I saw a few months after I did, so we were able to ask him to leave as a team.
But those first few months were really difficult. Six months is a long time for a person to keep living with you. You guys are enabling them. Without a plan, why would this person leave – you’re giving them no reason to. The homeowner (you) made a request to a guest in their house.
If they were grateful, they would oblige willingly. Instead, they feel entitled and far too comfortable. FROM EXPERIENCE, it’s time for them to go.” unnamedyet
Another User Comments:
“WTF? Definitely NTJ. Sounds like it’s time for the friend to move on if a reasonable request about sleeping in a bedroom gets that kind of reaction.
Why don’t you get a say in how long this person is there in your house being a leech and not contributing? I understand to begin with you were helping them while they went to culinary school, but that didn’t work out, the friend needs to move on.
You need to have a discussion with your wife and let her know that this is not a 1 person decision, it’s a decision both of you need to make. You don’t need a 3rd person interfering in your relationship on a permanent basis.” Mishy162
11. AITJ For Petting A Service Dog At The Dog Park?
“I’ll start off by saying I know not to pet service dogs generally!
I take my puppy to the dog park daily. Yesterday when I was there I was talking to another owner my age when an older man started coming in. She looked anxious and said that the last time he was here her dog jumped on him and he screamed at her and cursed her out.
I looked over to see my 6-month-old puppy over by the gate he was coming in trying to play with his dog. I got nervous and immediately went over there to make sure he wasn’t upset and to take my dog away. He said it was fine they were just playing together.
Then he started telling me his life story, unprovoked. Vet with PTSD, trains ESA dogs, etc. One of the strangers you meet and don’t say more than “hi” to them before they talk your ear off about their entire life. I just listened for a few minutes while our dogs played together.
His dog still had her harness on that said “service dog”. His dog then came to me and pushed her butt against me to pet her. I started petting her and she was very happy. He scolded me about not petting service dogs and to wait until she had her harness off.
I get it as I have an ESA myself, but was confused because we were at a dog park and his dog was playing and came to me for pets, but left it alone.
I learned my lesson and will not make an exception for the “don’t pet service dogs” rule, but was I really a jerk for this?”
Another User Comments:
“An ESA is not a service animal, the fact it was wearing a vest does not mean it is a professionally trained service dog. I get why he has an ESA, but it is a gross misrepresentation to pass it off as a service animal. Its bad training is why it came to you while wearing its vest. Nevertheless, when you see an animal with a service vest, it’s on duty so you shouldn’t be interacting with it.
NTJ.” many_hobbies_gal
Another User Comments:
“A service dog is a medical aid trained to actively perform tasks to mitigate the symptoms of a disability. They have the right to accompany their owner to non-pet-friendly places. An ESA is any old pet you got put on the letter from your psychologist who writes the “prescription”.
An ESA does not require any training, and does not have the right to accompany its owner in public. Therefore, this guy “training ESAs” is already complete crap, unfortunately. The fact he let his dog play while vested but not be pet also adds to his ignorance because the dog is either working or not, can’t have it both ways.
It takes a good two years to fully train a service dog to help a disabled person. An ESA is not remotely the same, regardless if you’re disabled or not.” MarlyMonster
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She had her vest on, she was working. Yeah, they were at a park, but that doesn’t mean the rules change.
They may have been at the park so the dog could learn how to behave when surrounded by playful dogs and active people. You said the guy told you he trains ESAs – maybe he was still training her. Just because she put her butt against you also doesn’t mean she was looking for pets.
She may be trained to put herself between her person and other people, to keep distance, and help her person feel calm and in control. Someone else pointed out something very obvious that I (and others) overlooked. Never pet someone else’s dog without getting their permission first. We have all been so focused on ESA vs service dog vs well it was a dog park vs but was it a real service animal yadda yadda yadda.
Never pet someone’s dog without asking.” QuackLikeMe
10. AITJ For Not Wanting To Financially Support My Retiring Dad?
“I recently graduated uni and today I had a conversation with my parents which ended up in a fight.
I was talking to my parents about my future career plans and that I have already received a few offers. There are two mainly that basically caused this fight.
One is an accounting job that is for a government department and the other is a completely different job for a charity for animals. The government one has a higher salary. Though the less pay one has a salary that is enough for my own living.
I told my dad that I want to take the second one because I always wanted to take care of animals and I never even liked accounting and I only took accounting in uni to please them. My dad disagreed and told me that I should value salary not dream because a job is a job, not a hobby.
He basically started yelling and shouting as usual.
Normally I’ll just suck it up but I don’t know what got into me today, I yelled back that my career should be my own decision. During the fight, he spilled out that the reason he wants me to take a higher income job is that he will be retiring in 2 years and I (the only daughter he has) should be the financial resource for both him and Mom now.
I told him that I think he should not be taking me financially supporting him, a full-grown adult with a huge amount of savings (because he has a high-salary job and he lives like a cheapskate), for granted and I have no responsibility for him because he has not spent a dollar on me since kindergarten (my mom pays for basically everything in the house and my tuition) and that I will not spend any money on him when he retires, I will only take care of my mom not him.
He said I’m a disappointment for disrespecting my family. (I am a Hong Konger and in my culture, it is important to be respectful to our parents)
My mom kind of disagreed with me as well as she also thinks I should take the high pay job and it is my responsibility to financially take care of my parents when they are old.
But she is respectful about it and tells me to do what makes me happy and she will support me regardless. I don’t know if she meant it or if she is just doing the opposite of Dad because she hated him as usual. I can’t help but feel guilty about this.
Am I the jerk for not wanting to financially support my dad when he retired? I always think that it is the person’s own responsibility for their financial situation (including young adults and retired people), and that if anyone wants to financially support someone it’s a blessing and they are doing that out of kindness and should not be taken for granted. Am I wrong for thinking that?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Do whatever makes you happy, because money isn’t everything. You do not want to wake up every morning dreading the day ahead because you hate your job. I know cultures have different viewpoints and that is important, but from where I am from we don’t have kids as a financial investment to add to our retirement funds and the very idea of it is baffling to me.
As I said, do what makes you happy!” citrineskye
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I have some unsolicited advice about the job. There is a saying “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life” with the intent of this inspiring quote being to push you towards finding a job that you enjoy.
However… I find that a lot of people pursue their hobbies and interests as a career, but instead of turning work into something that they love, they turn something that they love into work. And then their passion becomes just another day at the office and they begin to resent it.
Luckily you have accounting to fall back on. Quite frankly, accounting isn’t something that ever drastically changes. Accountants might have had to cope with moving from handwritten ledgers to computers, but the overall methods and profession don’t generally change much. I won’t say that you shouldn’t chase your passion.
But I’d advise trying to go for something with the possibility of progression rather than a job which you might currently be passionate about but will likely stay stagnant with zero upward mobility.” NuclearRobotHamster
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you could take the higher paying job and get a pet.
But ultimately it’s your choice. As for your father lol, he has money so he can live his life and you live yours. Besides, it’s also part of our culture where the elders think for the benefit of the younger generation. They shouldn’t aim to be burdens.
I know my parents don’t expect me to be their bank once they retire. Life is already hard enough LOL” generalhalfstep
9. AITJ For Telling My Mom No One Cares About My Cousin's Newborn?
“My cousin (30F) gave birth to a baby girl recently and of course, there’s nothing wrong with this but ever since then, my mom has been so excited about it. She’s constantly in contact with my cousin’s mother and constantly talking about the baby.
She started making baby name predictions and telling everyone how “she had a feeling when the baby was going to be born”.
My mom doesn’t miss a chance to call all family members when she learns even the smallest detail about the baby and is always telling me about it.
The other members of the family don’t seem to match her mood too and my mom is so upset about that.
I don’t really like children and our family currently has a huge problem that I think is far more important than my cousin’s newborn.
She got really upset and told me how I should care about the baby since “my cousin helped her a lot when I was a baby” (my cousin was literally 13 back then). But a lot of things have changed since then, and my cousin married a rich man after finishing college.
As of now she’s arrogant and constantly looking down at our family with nothing but disgust (we’re upper middle class but I don’t think her behavior should be excused because she helped my mom take care of me 17 years ago).
I told my mother that obviously no one cares about the baby (including me) and we’ve got far more important stuff and things to deal with now.
Since then she’s mad and upset because of what I told her.
Am I The Jerk??”
Another User Comments:
“You’re not a jerk but you should realize it isn’t about your cousin it’s about your relationship with your mom. If you love her then you should listen to her a little about something that makes HER happy even if it doesn’t interest you ….cause she probably listened to you talk about all sorts of things that didn’t interest her.
That’s part of growing up ..realizing you aren’t the center of the earth.” murder_maven
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your mom can be happy about it if she wants to be. You can say you’re not as excited but you don’t know if the other family members want her to stop or don’t care.
You don’t care so speak for yourself and not others. From your comments, there doesn’t seem to be any reason for you to dislike your cousin. You say she relies on her husband but she does work, she’s a teacher. Yes her husband makes more but that doesn’t mean she isn’t successful.
You don’t provide examples of her being rude to you, you just assume she can’t stand to be around your family. It kind of sounds like maybe your family makes her uncomfortable so she doesn’t reach out as often.” pnutbuttercups56
Another User Comments:
“Just because your mother is excited about your cousin’s newborn does not mean you have to be excited about the baby.
You are not your mother’s mini-me. You are you. Not the same thing, but one of my younger cousins had cancer. My mother threw herself into helping my aunt and even went as far as making sure she had organic food for when my cousin visited. Yes, I feel sorry for my cousin, but I did not let that take over my life, unlike my mother.
I am sure my mother was upset because I did not go overboard, but I have only seen my cousin twice in the past twenty-plus years and we have no relationship beyond Xmas cards. You have no relationship with your cousin, so no need to be excited about something that has nothing to do with you.
NTJ.” ScarletteMayWest
8. AITJ For Leaving My Partner's Place Because I Was Gassy?
“My partner and I went out to lunch yesterday and I ordered a dish that he grew up eating. He told me it tends to give people pretty bad gas if they’re not used to it.
I was kind of caught off guard/embarrassed. I just brushed it off and joked about girls not farting. We’d planned for me to sleep over at his place last night, but lo and behold the dish did make me kinda gassy. Not like sick or uncomfortable, but I was farting a bit more than normal. I snuck off to the bathroom at least twice to fart.
I told him I couldn’t sleep next to him because I was too scared I’d accidentally pass gas and that I’d be disgusting to him. He said I was being silly and that he doesn’t mind if I have gas, since everyone does it. I still felt too gross about it and I went home instead of staying over.
He texted the next morning saying he was really looking forward to me spending the night and I’d really hurt his feelings by suggesting that I’d thought he was shallow. I also made him feel self-conscious about him farting in front of me in the past because “if I thought it was so gross when I do it, what must I think of him when he’s done it in the past”.
I told him I just couldn’t risk him hearing and feeling disgust towards me, and that it’s different when he does it than when I do. He still thinks what I did was kinda bad, but I feel like he just doesn’t understand how embarrassed I would’ve felt if something slipped in my sleep.
Especially because he stays up later than me. AITJ??”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – From his point of view, you’re making a big deal over nothing. From your point of view, it’s something you’re genuinely insecure or uncomfortable with at this stage. He’s overreacting a bit with his response but I’d say that’s just due to lack of understanding.
Farting is normal and not a big deal. But if you’re not ready or comfortable enough to do it in front of him yet, that’s perfectly valid and okay. You just need to communicate clearly and understand each other’s perspective.” BretMW
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here if this is a new relationship, soft YTJ if you guys have been together for a long time.
I was embarrassed to fart in front of my partner when we first got together. The first time I spent the night I drifted off to sleep and farted loud enough to wake myself up, I was so embarrassed and apologized “I’m so sorry, that fart was so loud” but he was asleep and responded “huh?
Oh.. ok,” and fell back asleep. He didn’t even remember the next morning. 12 years later we rip farts in front of each other all the time and think it’s hilarious (unless it’s in the shower cause that’s nasty). It’s normal to be embarrassed about farts when just starting a relationship, but your partner is probably a bit hurt that you don’t feel comfortable enough around him to have normal bodily functions.” squeedle
Another User Comments:
“I’m not going to call you a jerk for feeling here, you have every right to protect yourself from feelings of embarrassment, fear, or anything else.. but I do have to say I understand your SO’s side as well.. so again not the jerk.
I’m sure he genuinely was excited for that night and had something special planned out, but that plan would have almost certainly been changed anyway even if you had stayed. Just explain to him it was nothing personal and there will be many more chances for overnight visits, if he is a good guy you will find a common ground and move on.
Relationships are not always going to be easy but communication is the real key to making them last. Also, don’t be worried about your farts! They are natural and I can almost guarantee he will try and do you one better! Hahaha that’s what my s.o and I do.
Good luck!” Itchy_Budgetz
7. AITJ For Not Treating My Dad's Wife As A Parent At My Wedding?
“My dad’s wife will be sitting next to my dad at my wedding and will be included in family photos.
But this woman married my dad when I was 16 and she didn’t parent me. She isn’t someone I would refer to as my parent. I appreciate her for loving my dad but I see that as who she is, not a mom or a parent figure to me.
I ask this AITJ question because I was not planning on mentioning her as a parent in my thank you toast, and my maid of honor wanted to know how she should refer to her and I said if she needs to mention her, do so by name.
My fiance was planning to just focus on my dad mostly. I would briefly address the fact my mom isn’t here and I miss her.
Apparently, she wants to be treated as the mother of the bride. She was upset I didn’t take her wedding dress shopping with me and that I hadn’t included her in any of the planning.
She directly told me she should be treated as one of the parents. When I didn’t agree she told me treating her as anything less than that would be incredibly insulting and hurtful.
WIBTJ if I don’t?”
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ. She’s not your mother, and she doesn’t get to demand to replace your mother on your wedding day.
If you/your fiance are giving flowers to the parents of the bride/groom (some people do, some people don’t), it would be nice to give her one to make her feel included, but that’s up to you. Being married to your father doesn’t make her MOB, and she doesn’t get to demand to be treated as co-equal to a parent.
As long as you’re not slighting her (making her sit somewhere different, not including her in photos), you’re fine to not include her as MOB. I am sorry for the loss of your mother.” ElleEmGee
Another User Comments:
“Having somewhat experience in the matter I would say NTJ.
I (M) married my wife in my late 20s, my dad died when I was in my early 20s. My mom got remarried about one year after my dad died. He is a nice man, we never had any cross words with each other. He is black and my mom is white, so naturally when it was time for my wedding, a lot of my family pulled the race card as to why I wasn’t having him play a more prominent part in my wedding.
This didn’t make sense as my real dad wasn’t white, but the only thing is I said my mother’s husband didn’t raise me, I never lived in his house as I moved out when I was 18. I had our photographer have him in photos with my mom and wedding party so I didn’t get how else to include him.
My wife understood and was going to ask him to walk her down the aisle as her dad lives in another country and wasn’t able to make it to the wedding. But I told her no because her brother-in-law already stepped up. I told her don’t do this because you think it will smooth things over but your brother-in-law has been a huge part of your life since you were 12 and has always been like a father to you too.
The wedding day came and nothing happened all that fear and anxiety went away. A few weeks after the wedding and honeymoon I took my stepdad for lunch and made sure he understood that I didn’t have any ill feelings for him only that my dad raised me and he was my dad.” 4thdegreeknight
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If she financially contributed to the wedding maybe drop her name but otherwise it doesn’t make sense to include her. She didn’t raise you… she didn’t help you get started in life financially. It doesn’t even sound like you have much of a relationship.
She’s not the “mother of the bride,” as you said. She’s your dad’s wife. You’re way too old to even consider her as a stepmom as she didn’t mother you. Just make sure she isn’t the type to play up her relationship with you at the wedding.
That is to say – when everyone is visiting. I hope she’s a good person for the most part.” Key_Transition_6036
6. AITJ For Buying An Xbox Series S With My Bonus After A Promotion?
“I (25M) grew up in a family that was modestly well-off.
So not exactly royalty, but by no means poverty. My partner (24F) grew up pretty poor. We’ve lived together for the past year and a half.
Since before I could remember, I’ve had this habit of buying a treat for myself, with my own money, whenever I achieved something.
Nothing big, just small things here and there. For example: got an A on a test in school, buy myself a chocolate with my allowance money. Got assigned class monitor, buy a toy. Rewards for myself, if you get what I mean. My partner, growing up poor, prefers to always focus on buying essentials, and doesn’t spend much money on herself.
We’re both working and have our own incomes. We also have a joint savings account, into which we deposit a part of our income each month to save for our future.
So here’s what happened. At my work, we’ve had this client who is a pretty big deal for us, and if all things went smoothly, I was liable to get a promotion.
Long story short, everything went splendidly and I got it, and with the promotion came a pay rise for me and a bonus for all our team members.
Now I’ve had my eye on a new Xbox for a while, but I’ve been putting it off forever.
I wanted to get something for myself so I finally bit the bullet and used a part of my bonus to buy an Xbox Series S. Now, I do have an Xbox One, and I play on it regularly, but I don’t think I neglect any other parts of my life.
I spend time with my partner, I visit my family, I do my share of chores around the house, so I think I can safely say I’m not addicted to gaming.
When I got home, my partner saw the box and blew up at me.
I expected a little resistance (she always does that whenever I buy anything that isn’t “essential”) but I mean blew up at me. She started screaming about how I need to stop spending so much money and how we’re never going to save enough to get married, have kids, and live a comfortable life.
I explained the situation to her, how I had gotten a pay rise, and had only used my bonus and not the joint savings, but she was still really mad at me for “spending money unnecessarily”. She’s now giving me the silent treatment so I’m wondering if I did something wrong.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ there are some things to work through here. Financial hang-ups and attitudes around finances vary between class groups, which is the situation you’re describing. It sounds like she has a ‘scarcity’ mindset around money due to growing up in poverty.
This is a common attitude in the minds of the working poor. I grew up in a poor household with no financial education and this is a problem I’m constantly working through. Where there’s guilt surrounding spending my money on something that’s not ‘essential’ ie: shelter, food, clothing, utilities, loans.
Fixed outgoing costs basically. It’s not something that can be fixed overnight in my experience. It takes years of financial education as well as completely changing your mindset to money. Not excusing her reaction just trying to explain the motives that may be behind it.
Helping to educate her in the world of finances will hopefully help. Just remember it’s not a magic fix. Just like learning anything it takes time.” PopulaceDiscourse
Another User Comments:
“INFO: How domestically connected (for lack of a better term) are you two? How much do you rely on each other and how intermingled are your day-to-day lives?
Are you married, are you planning on starting a family, do you each help to pay for groceries/furniture/clothes/etc? If you guys are like, super domestic (or married) and basically sharing income even though you have separate bank accounts, then yeah, this is a big purchase you should have mentioned. Otherwise, it doesn’t really matter.” aitabrowsermostly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First off, I suggest couples counseling since money is a huge part of a relationship, especially marriage. Also, you spent your own money on something you enjoyed. Now typically I’m pretty against couples saying my money and your money because it can lead to one party feeling less than, but here I feel like she’s a bit entitled to how you spend your hard-earned money.
You shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for your success. I would suggest making 4 bank accounts (2 joint 2 separate). Joint Current: where you contribute equally (payments for house, care, groceries, etc). Joint Future: where you contribute equally and set aside money for your future 2 individual ones where you keep whatever is left over as pocket money.
That way she doesn’t feel like you’re spending money unnecessarily since all the necessary money is in the joint accounts and you don’t feel guilty for buying nice things.” Potential_Meaning697
5. AITJ For Refusing To Split Rent And Furniture Costs For My Partner's Apartment Before Moving In?
“I (F24) have been seeing my partner (M26) for just over a year now.
For context, I make significantly more money than he does and in general, am better at saving/managing my income. We’ve gotten to the point where we’re discussing moving in together. The issue is, he wants to move in with me way sooner than I would be ready.
I realized I would need about six months to get my financial affairs in order to move in, meanwhile, he wants to move in together in two months.
Since I wouldn’t be ready in two months, I offered that he get a six-month lease on his own till we can move in together which would give me ample time to get ready.
He agreed but said that we should still split the rent. I had a problem with this since why should I pay rent for an apartment I’m not living in? His argument is that I should pay for half the rent and half the furniture since eventually, I would move in.
I disagree since I’m not paying for something I’m not going to live in and use.
We’ve had countless arguments over this where he tells me I’m in the wrong and I feel myself starting to distance myself from the relationship because he is being pretty stingy about my money.
AITJ for refusing to pay for half his rent and furniture?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re completely right. You won’t be living there so you shouldn’t pay rent. I can understand splitting the furniture if it will eventually become yours together, but that’s it.
It sounds like he’s either A) trying to make you move in sooner than you’re ready to or B) trying to take advantage of your income and money management. Either scenario is a huge red flag.” SpeechBaseball34
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are right, you shouldn’t be paying for something you are not using.
It would be different if you were buying a house. It would make sense for you to pay then because you would be building equity. Since it is an apartment, you get no benefit. I wouldn’t do it. The fact that he is pushing it is concerning.” fourjoys99
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, this is a huge financial red flag. There is no reason for you to pay half the rent on a place you are not staying, unless, for example, you insisted that you wanted to live in a particularly expensive apartment that was above his financial comfort zone and he was asking that you make up the difference.
Where is he staying now? Could he not have stayed there a little longer until you were ready? Why is he wanting to move so quickly? Also, if you don’t contribute to furniture and rent, would he still be able to afford where he is looking to move and the kind of furniture he wants to buy, or does he plan to be financially reliant on you to keep up a lifestyle he otherwise wouldn’t be able to afford?” Table_Scraps90
4. AITJ For Asking My Sister-In-Law To Cover Up After Her Shower In My House?
“This week my sister-in-law 32F is staying at my house due to her house getting remodeled. Like a complete remodeling. Her kids are staying at their dad’s house.
She’s been staying for the last 3 days and goes home on Monday. I don’t mind her staying here as she’s one of the few people to like me from her family.
The problem is that when she gets out of the shower, she comes out wearing nothing but a towel.
Like just a towel no robe or anything. She also comes to the living room to talk to my wife while she applies lotion on herself.
The first time she did it, I just left the room and came back when she went into the guest room.
She took forever but eventually put on clothes.
She did it again yesterday and today. Before she showered, I asked her if she could change into regular clothes and put on lotion in her room. She didn’t say anything but said okay.
After she showered, I heard her call my wife and they talked. I didn’t know about what.
When we went to bed, she said her sister said that I body-shamed her and told her to put on clothes and asked if it was true.
I said yes, she doesn’t need to be in a towel putting on lotion in the living room.
It makes me uncomfortable. My wife responds by telling me that I’m body-shaming her and to stop being a jerk.
I don’t think I was being unreasonable, I’m allowed to feel a certain way at my house.
AITJ though?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You didn’t “body shame” anyone.
You asked a houseguest not to use shared spaces for personal care and to wear more than a towel in those shared spaces. “I’m allowed to feel a certain way at my house.” Yes, and that “certain way” you should feel in your home is comfortable.
I have no idea why your wife thinks it is appropriate for her sister to make herself that at home at the expense of your comfort or why your SiL thinks that being asked to wear clothes in someone else’s living room is “shaming”, but they are both wrong.” rapt2right
Another User Comments:
“I feel like if you had expressed your discomfort to your wife first and decided together what would be the best approach (since that’s her sister and she knows her better), this may have turned out better. The sister would have probably received it differently.
Plus, there’s a good chance your SIL just perceived the conversation differently than you did (I feel like a man asking a woman to cover up could be misconstrued easily depending on tone, word choice, nonverbal cues, etc.) your SIL’s perspective took over because your wife heard that version first. Body shaming is still not the right terminology either way.” Poison-Ivy-0
Another User Comments:
“INFO – What are your day-to-day modesty standards? Do you go to beaches, swim in pools with both genders, or ever wear a bathing suit? If you don’t have strict universal modesty standards that equally apply to both genders, and answer no to all 3 questions then Y T J.
Now it’s still not body shaming, but if you are not looking at her in a certain way, seeing her in a towel and/or putting on lotion should not make you uncomfortable.” Kind-Philosopher1
3. AITJ For Being Upset My SIL Didn't Inform Me About My Brother's Deteriorating Health?
“My brother and I are quite close, especially after our dad’s death a while back and my husband’s cancer death a few years ago. His family lives about 20 min away from me and we talk frequently, although we haven’t done much together recently.
We all help look after our mom. SIL and I get along pretty well and have kids of similar ages.
My brother called me on 4/19 to tell me he had been diagnosed with prostate cancer. Didn’t say what stage but said there would be more tests etc. Radio silence until 4/24 Saturday when I get a text from his wife saying he’s in the hospital (40 miles away) getting tests, no visitors please.
My mom and I hear nothing until Wednesday 4/27 when SIL calls to tell me that my brother has been moved to the ICU. SIL’s brother and several of her friends have been there with them and others will be bringing my brother’s kids. I drive up to see if I can help too.
I am able to see SIL and kids and offer support, but don’t get to see my brother– they said no visitors for him and I wanted to respect that so I didn’t even ask if I could see him. Maybe that was my mistake?
I go home and say I’ll bring Mom tomorrow.
That evening, SIL’s brother calls and says “Come up now, and bring your mom. Tomorrow might be too late.” We get there about 9 pm, and by the time we get into the room to see my brother, he’s been sedated and is asleep.
The doctor explains that the cancer has spread to the liver and lungs and his body is too weak to do anything except make him comfortable (he had an advanced medical directive so no heroic measures). He passes away early the next morning.
I have been able to piece a few things together from what others have told me but I still don’t really know the whole timeline.
Apparently, my brother had been in the hospital several weeks before and my SIL’s children and friends were all there helping out and visiting, and no one told me and our mom what was happening. All we were told was his diagnosis on 4/19 and hardly anything until the very end on 4/27.
Am I being unfair to my SIL for not telling me and my mom what was going on, even though other people knew and were able to help and say goodbye? I know my brother is kind of a private person, but his kids knew, his BIL knew, several of their friends knew, and they were all able to spend time with him before he passed.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, honestly you have a right to be upset. This is your brother and you didn’t get to say a proper goodbye, that is absolutely heartbreaking. For people saying that YTJ, I don’t think they’re getting the point where they let everyone but you guys, his immediate family, know about how bad the cancer was.
SIL knew about this, and she should’ve told you how serious it was and she could’ve explained the reasoning behind why he might’ve not wanted you guys there because you do deserve a bit of an explanation. As someone who lost their brother in a fairly similar way, and didn’t know about the cancer diagnosis, I also didn’t get a proper goodbye, just like both you and your mother.
I don’t think people understand how heartbreaking that is, and I am absolutely sorry for your loss.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Wow, first I’d like to say that I’m so sorry for your loss, OP. From the information you shared, I’m not sure how to pass judgment.
I’m confused as to why you and your mother were kept out of the loop on this if you two were close and many other people knew as well. A few possible reasons are popping into my head. Could you provide some info to maybe narrow it down?
1. Is it possible that your brother avoided telling you so as to not worry you? You mentioned that you lost your father. Could he have been struggling with the fact that he knew he was leaving you?
2. Are you sure that you and your SIL get along well?
Have y’all gotten into disagreements in the past? Would there be any reasons why she would want to keep you away?
3. Is it possible that you all weren’t as close as you thought you were? Why did you not follow up with your brother after you learned of his diagnosis?
It sounds like you waited to be updated instead of taking initiative when you knew he received life-changing news. If my brother called me saying that he had cancer, then I’m showing up, asking questions, helping out, or at the very least, I would initiate a follow-up conversation to check in on him.” in2thegray
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I am so sorry for your loss. You shouldn’t be mad at SIL, because your brother made decisions in the last few weeks of his life about who knew and didn’t know. Unless there is some evidence that she lied to him about telling you all or something like that, this is a choice your brother made, don’t pin it on SIL just because she is still there to be upset about.
Also, don’t go delving into why you didn’t know. This is a terrible time for all of you, including SIL who is dealing with the loss of her husband and dealing with her children losing a father. Be mad that you didn’t know and didn’t get to say goodbye.
Have some friends over and curse at your brother, break stuff, and scream at the sky. Feel all the feelings. And then, realize that death and dying are messed up and complicated, and most of us don’t get it right.
Your brother and SIL were overwhelmed, they told some people, didn’t tell a lot of people, and had to deal with tragic news, medical issues, and plan for a life without your brother in a matter of a few weeks.
It absolutely sucks that you feel you should have been one of the people he told, and he didn’t tell you. But give him some grace for what he was going through, and give SIL a lot of grace for what she was going through.
I just also have to add that a few weeks is such a short time. It seems from reading this that they may have thought they had more time, and even if the doctors told them how advanced this was, I wouldn’t be surprised if they just didn’t believe it, because it is just too much to believe.
Like I said, be mad, use your friends to help comfort you and get those feelings out, but turning that anger towards SIL doesn’t help, it doesn’t change anything, and all it will do is damage the relationship you could have with her and your nieces/nephews, and uses a grieving woman as a punching bag for your anger about your brother dying.” mfruitfly
2. AITJ For Telling My Husband He Has No Common Sense Due To His Dangerous Habits?
“My (30F) husband (32M) has a tendency to do things that really stress me out. So much so that I feel like I’m constantly coming across as a nag because I always have to say something to him or correct him.
I have a theory that it’s because his mom did absolutely everything for him until he was 29, and he never learned any real-life skills.
Some examples of this are: him overloading the dishwasher and breaking dishes as a result. He places raw uncovered meat directly on the shelves of the fridge.
He opens bags/boxes of snacks by ripping them so they can’t be resealed. There are many others I can list.
There is one thing he keeps doing that is sending me over the edge though. He stays up later than me most nights, and after I go to bed he lights every candle we own, turns on 3 different wax burners, then goes to bed with them still going.
I’ve brought it up as a fire hazard many times and he doesn’t get it. It’s gotten to a point that I have to set an alarm at midnight to make sure I get these things put out, and I’m sleep-deprived as is due to taking care of our baby.
I finally snapped a little and woke up my husband to complain. As always, he doesn’t understand the fire hazard, and I responded by telling him he has “a negative amount of common sense” and asked him, “Is there anything that your mom DID teach you?
Because you have the life skills of a kindergartner.”
He said I was bitter because I wasn’t loved right by my parents and I was too mean, then went to sleep on the couch. Was I over the line? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Kindergartener might be generous though, a lot of 5-year-olds will know ‘fire burn’. Also, is this man trying to harm y’all or just make the baby sick? He waits until you go to bed to light every candle and wax burner? That can’t be good for the baby’s lungs, right?
OP my advice for right now would be to get rid of all the candles and burners. ALL OF THEM. Just because your man’s brain is as smooth as a marble doesn’t mean he has the right to burn your house down.” OrbofProtection
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – if I’m being honest, if I were in your shoes, I’d start documenting the unsafe nature of both your husband and his mother, get in contact with a lawyer, and start planning to GTFO. I don’t like jumping straight to the “run” option, but from your comments alone, it sounds like you’re a single mom to 2 children, but one is making it very likely that you and your infant will be harmed long before he learns anything.
In the meantime, he’s so emotionally enmeshed with his mother, that she’ll continue to step all over your boundaries just to keep herself as the “most important woman in his life.” When something terrible inevitably happens, they’ll both put all the blame on you.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I feel like you need to make him watch the terrifying fire safety videos everyone else got traumatized by as a child. Or take him on one of those children’s fire station tours and get a fireman to talk to him.
I don’t think either of those would improve your marriage, would probably make it worse because he will get defensive, but it might make him put the candles out. Also, another thought, any chance you could tattle on him to his mother, from the angle that you are super worried about how he endangers the life of her precious grandbaby?
Don’t even be the one to bring it up, ask if you can visit for a while (while he is at work) because you are just so stressed and could really use her help to just take the pressure off you with the baby for a couple of hours.
Then once there let her ask you how you are feeling. Feel free to cry about it.” ttnl35
1. AITJ For Costing My Former Childhood Bully A Job?
“When I was in elementary school, I used to have a lot of body image issues, and honestly, I still do. I was on the chubbier side, and I was relentlessly teased for it.
Elementary school children can be very cruel, and I personally considered those years to be some of the worst of my life.
I managed to get through with the support of my friends then, and I’m still very close to a few of them, especially one of them, whom I’ll call M.
One of my friend groups at the time included a boy, who was the popular “class clown”. He made a few jokes at my expense, including one particularly hurtful one when he created an insulting nickname using my name. Thankfully, it never caught on, but I’ve always remembered him for this.
We graduated and lost contact. Let’s call him X
A few years back, M told me that she ran into X recently, and he wanted to apologize. I decided to hear him out.
X told me that he learned from a mutual friend he met by chance that I was bullied in elementary school.
He did some self-reflection and realized that he was probably one of them, even though he had considered me a friend. He said that while he was young and immature, it was no excuse now that he’s older and wanted to apologize for all the hurtful comments he had made.
He also said that I didn’t have to accept his apology and that he just wanted me to know that he was just being crappy and bratty, and that there was nothing wrong with me back then.
Honestly, I was incredibly angry. I thought that I would find closure from this, but I spent so many of my teenage years obsessing over my body image, all because of thoughtless comments like his.
Finding out that he didn’t even consider me fat just made me angrier, but I also realized that he’s probably changed for the better, and I accepted his apology.
Fast forward to now, I currently work in a small well-paying company. There aren’t many employees, and all of us are fairly close to each other.
It’s a cozy, informal working environment, and I really enjoy it.
Now the issue came when my boss told me that they were hiring, and showed us the shortlist of candidates. Imagine my shock when I saw that X was on the list. I asked for a meeting with my boss and told her about my history with X, and how he had bullied me in elementary school, and that I would not be comfortable if he joined the team.
My boss told me that she understood and would tell X that he was not chosen for the job.
I told M about this, and she told me that it was a jerk move. She told me that costing X job opportunities for something he did in elementary school wasn’t fair and that he had changed a lot.
She also said that having X as a colleague was a perfect chance to move on, and now I’ll forever remember him as just the bully from elementary school.
I honestly feel so conflicted now. Telling my boss was a spur-of-the-moment decision, and I can probably still retract my statement, but I’m so afraid of losing the comfortable work environment I have now.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, it is controversial but please hear me out. As someone who also has been bullied for their body, and became self-conscious and depressed for the better part of my teen years, I don’t think holding a grudge against him is a good idea.
This is not just a matter of you not being comfortable working with him, you are indirectly taking revenge on him, whether you see it as that or not. He apologized to you, and what he said was logical. Why are you getting angry that he was immature and insensitive when he was a child?
That is how children are, and his realizing he was at fault and did not know better, along with apologizing, is way more than what I expect from a childhood bully. Mine never apologized or admitted anything, blaming it on me that I was bullied. Although I understand, that what he and the other bullies did was mean, and it affected you heavily.
However, what you did is childish. It’s been years since then, and he apologized and turned a new leaf. Move on, stop holding on to your scars, they would only make your life worse. Take it from a bully victim, you ate better off accepting his apology at least.” TheBetterDeranker
Another User Comments:
“ESH leaning toward YTJ. I might be in the minority here, but you no longer know this person. You don’t know who they are as an adult now, just who they were as a horribly mean bully 20-30 years ago. They’ve even genuinely apologized, and you acknowledged that they have changed from the jerk they were as a kid.
Yes, it’s completely and understandably sucky that you were bullied as a kid for no reason, but even you said you accepted their apology. Their work ethic has nothing to do with any of that. Your boss also should have realized that personal feelings and professional feelings are two different things and should have at least given them a chance to apply and get a feel for who they are as an employee.
At the end of the day, you possibly cost someone a job, and that’s not cool.” HolyUnicornBatman
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I don’t understand why people are saying you are the jerk. Yes, he may have apologized and seemed sincere but what they aren’t realizing is that an apology doesn’t wipe out the trauma and PTSD that bullying created. You work at a SMALL company and you’d have to see him 40 hours or more every week for years AND potentially work closely with him.
It might be different if it was a large company and he was in an entirely different department and you would never have any FaceTime. The dynamic of the team and the workplace IS important. People going through the hiring process ARE evaluated on whether they’d be a good fit.
He would not have been a good fit if he was going to make an existing employee uncomfortable. Apologizing doesn’t wipe out years of trauma (it doesn’t matter how long ago it happened or the age of the bully/victim). There is no magic wand that just wipes it out.” MissContrariwise
