People Try To Seem Likeable In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
20. AITJ For Telling Off My Nephew For Littering And Arguing With My Sister About It?
“A while ago I (30f) was driving in the car after grocery shopping. My husband’s 23-year-old nephew was with me. He asked me for a snack and a drink, so I bought him one as he couldn’t buy it himself (he was staying with us at the time as he temporarily had no job or place to stay, financially we also took care of him for four months, now he has a job and his own house).
He ate his snack and drank from his drink in the car on the way home. All of a sudden he opens the window and throws his trash out (wrappers from his snack). Needless to say, I was angry, but I remained calm.
I explained to him littering is bad and we need to respect the place we live and we need to take care of nature, not pollute it. I said if we weren’t on a busy road I’d stop the car and expect him to pick it up.
Of course, since we are in the car I can’t do that. He apologized and then I let it go.
Today this topic came up at home. My sister (28f) and her almost 6-month-old baby are currently staying with my husband and me because her relationship recently ended. She’ll rent a new place soon, but we’re helping her transition.
During her stay, she has been jokingly criticizing the way I communicate and handle things. Through her jokes, I could deduce that she sometimes thinks I’m too hard on people. I am very direct and just tell people if I see something I don’t like.
She keeps mentioning this in the form of jokes but after a while, I started to feel like there’s criticism underneath it. When it comes to my sister however I take a very soft approach and I always try to mince my words because I know she is very sensitive.
So I’m less direct with her.
When the topic of the nephew littering came up, my sister said my way of handling it was degrading. She said I must’ve made the guy feel ‘small’ and she thought it was too harsh.
She mentioned this next to my husband.
I snapped and started crying, saying I was tired of being criticized all the time. I try so hard to be gentle with her but now she’s criticizing me for how I handled a situation when it has nothing to do with her.
I told her she comes to stay in my home and keeps criticising me and I’m over it. I told her there were so many times I bit my tongue when it came to things she had done.
I can be a soft and gentle person but I have my boundaries. I will admit I did raise my voice which was wrong. Then she said I make her feel unwelcome.
Maybe I responded too hard. I don’t know anymore.
I’d like to hear some outside perspectives. I will apologize to her for raising my voice as that is never ok but I don’t know about everything else.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your nephew is an adult.
Know what I did the last time I was backing out of a parking spot and someone in the backseat of the car next to me threw his candy wrapper out the window. Stopped my car, gave the roll down the window sign, and reprimanded the jerk.
It was kinda funny because he knew who I was talking to but the driver was confused. Still, I hate people who litter. As for your sister, she sounds like she can dish it but can’t take it anymore.
When people get pushed to their limit they yell. Oh, boo-hoo. She doesn’t feel welcome? Have you given her the boot? No. Then she should realize she’s still got a place there.” Traveling_Phan
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The nephew is an adult and should have already known better than to litter. But it seems to me like the real issue here is the incident with your sister. First off, the thing with the nephew had nothing to do with her and she doesn’t need to provide her unsolicited opinion.
I think it’s pretty bad to criticize someone who is letting you stay with them for free. If she wanted to have a conversation about how the two of you communicate, there were like 7 better ways to do it.” jemoss9
Another User Comments:
“I’m curious as to how the subject of littering came up unless you were throwing it out there for some reason, none of which are positive, especially when you say, *”Now she’s criticizing me for how I handled a situation when it has nothing to with her.”* It sounds as if you may be a bit harsh when you speak, but your sister is both passive-aggressive and uses “sensitivity” as a way to control situations.
If she’s feeling unwelcome, perhaps she should behave in a way that encourages being welcome. NTJ.” Fredsundertheblanket
19. AITJ For Leaving My Partner's Brother's Wedding Early After Feeling Unwelcome?
“I (25F) and my partner Alex (24M) went to his brother Luke’s (30M) wedding this past weekend, and I left early which has caused a lot of drama with his family.
I have been seeing Alex for 3 years and we’ve been living together for 2. I think I’m pretty close with his family; I go on every holiday, we visit his parents very often, his mum often takes me out for lunch & we run errands together, I talk to Luke & their sister both almost every day, we house/dog sit for Luke & Tanya (30F, Luke’s now wife) often, etc. I talk to Tanya all the time, we go out for coffee dates, etc. We were pretty close, I think!
Anyway, the wedding. I’m Alex’s plus one, he’s a groomsman. I am not invited to the ceremony, but that’s alright, I figure there’s limited space. I arrived at the reception and the plan was that I would sit with Alex & Luke & also Tanya’s parents since I know them both well.
Change of plans last minute, I was moved to a table in the corner with the DJ & whichever cooks & servers were taking their break at that time. I will admit I was hurt and feeling anxious since the reception was huge & I wasn’t around anyone I knew (I am pretty socially anxious in crowds & with strangers), but I sucked it up & made small talk & was pleasant in general because it’s not MY day.
After dinner, my parents’ table was only about 3/4 full because some couldn’t make it, so they invited me over. I went to sit with them, but Tanya pulled me aside and said I couldn’t sit at the family table because photographers would be taking photos.
Alex tries to come dance with me but Tanya tells him that he should stay at the wedding party table so that it isn’t empty for photos. Luke, the groom, eventually asks if I wanna dance with him since I’ve been sitting alone & he considers me his bonus little sister & he wants a dance with all of his family members at his wedding, but Tanya rushes in after about 30 seconds of dancing and pulled him away for something important.
I was getting the hint at this point, it was pretty clear I wasn’t very welcome here, but I still don’t know why. I caught Alex quick to say I wasn’t feeling well and I’d see him at home, I made my goodbyes, congratulated Luke and Tanya for their wedding, and ducked out.
Well… Alex is angry at Tanya because I told him everything after a cooling-down period. Tanya is angry at me for leaving early. My parents seem to be mad at me for “refusing to socialize;” I haven’t told them anything.
Luke apologized to me but is otherwise staying out of it. The whole family is kind of in a fight now, I feel like it’s my fault because I left early, but I don’t even know how anyone noticed with how many people were there, I honestly figured I wouldn’t be missed.
I was just honestly really uncomfortable and didn’t want to be there anymore, but I guess it was a wedding and maybe I should have just sucked it up. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“My husband was the best man in a wedding.
He sat up at a head table that was stretched across the front (not a round table, but one where the entire bridal party was in a row). Only the bridal party sat there, no spouses, so I was seated at a table with other people I’d never met.
I did my best to chat but was somewhat uncomfortable, although I was “allowed” to dance with my husband after dinner (fiancee at the time), we weren’t told we had to sit there all night. It’s ridiculous that you are the groom’s brother’s partner and were put at a table with the help, that just sounds mean!
Tanya did not consider your family and made sure you were uncomfortable. Tell people your side of the story without any emotion, they’ll realize how mean she is but you’re NTJ.” HorseygirlWH
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You didn’t cause a scene at the wedding, you graciously bowed out despite being treated poorly.
That was the best thing option available to you. A fight is brewing in the family because Tanya acted badly, NOT because of your actions. You aren’t at fault here, don’t take on that guilt. Also, the original plan was for you to sit with the parents, but a last-minute change meant that you sat with the waitstaff.
But when you tried to sit with the parents when a seat opened up, Tanya said you couldn’t sit there for photos. So was the original seating chart nonsense? Or were they going to have you leave the table every time a photographer came by?” peggingpinhead
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This reeks of jealousy and pettiness. I, too, get social anxiety and if my person was nowhere near me … not even awkward small talk would happen; I’d be looking for a stray cat to cuddle.
If you’re going to be made to sit away from everyone and ostracized from the event, why should you stay? I’d have booked it too. I have a feeling that Tanya is/was jealous of your appearance if you weren’t meant to be in any family photos (but..
aren’t you family?) OP when people show you their true colors believe them – keep Tanya at an arm’s distance, ignore the drama, and know you did nothing wrong. Unfortunately, the rest of the family allowed this to happen under their noses.” Darklydreaming77
18. AITJ For Snapping At My Overly Critical Mother?
“I (21) and my mother (F53) finally had a big argument a few days ago. I’ll give some background for why I snapped as well. Since I was younger and she got a job, I felt as if she had grown to be controlling and negative around me constantly.
She had always compared me to other kids around me, saying I should be outgoing and do better in school. Which was ironic given I played sports and had decent friend groups.
She would never let me go out to see them, saying that they hung out in strange places when it was just the park.
She would see my grades and even if I tried my best she would critique me, saying how so and so’s kid could do better since he/she took it too. She would never ask me how my day was or discuss anything fun with me without then bringing up something she had to judge me on.
I was hoping when I left for college, she would calm down, but sadly it did not. She does it even more, and I’m going to be the first generation to graduate but she gets on me about my grades, even though she knows I try my best and have multiple mental issues such as depression and ADHD.
It all came to a head a few days ago. I had slept in until 2 because I finally was able to catch up on my sleep and my dad had left for a week trip. She always uses times when my dad is away to lie to me.
She had woken me up and followed me to the kitchen, the whole time berating me on my lifestyle and why she never gets to talk to me like my dad. This is ironic coming from someone who criticized my interests such as anime and gaming, saying they are childish and remind her of her family who likes them and is nowhere in life.
I told her at least I was graduating unlike you did, and she said “This is why I don’t like to talk with you, you are entitled.” I left to try to diffuse but she followed me. This is where I might be the bad guy.
She asked me when I had become someone she can’t recognize and I asked her “when you became a mean person and didn’t realize how you treat me.” She became quiet, and said “Really?” And when I said yes she left the room.
Ever since then, she only speaks to me to let me know something important and never says I love you anymore. This may not seem like much but my family always says “I love you sweet dreams” before bed it’s just habit.
I’ve felt so bad with her for so long, that I just let it out that night and now I feel guilty and I don’t know why. Is it because I wanted her to apologize? To ask me to elaborate so we could talk it out?
I don’t know.
Or is it more simple, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Don’t apologize, I suspect what you said hit a bit too close to home and she is now feeling guilty and does not know how to deal with it.
Just carry on as before she will get over it and maybe even change her behavior toward you!” Successful_Bath1200
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom has been criticizing you your entire life. You finally break and criticize her back, and guess what?
She didn’t like how it felt either. That is the classic example of a person who can dish it out but can’t take it. I had a mom like this too. It took way too long for her attitude towards me to change, but it did finally.
You love your mom and the loss of the little bit of positivity she’s shown you are breaking your heart even more than the constant criticisms. So, you can try asking her for a talk. Sit down with her and say you want a relationship that isn’t based on criticism.
Tell her how being constantly criticized makes you feel. And say that’s why you broke and criticized her back. Now, she might refuse to talk to you. That would be immature of her, but you have no control over that.
I’m only suggesting you try this because of how heartsick this is making you feel. And I’m sorry. Believe me, I know how it feels. I hope your mom comes around and is sorry and treats you better because you deserve it.
You’ve always deserved to be treated with kindness, compassion, and love and you are worthy of and deserve all that and more.” Global_Look2821
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You made poor mommy feel bad feelings and now she’s punishing you for it.
If mom cared about having a good relationship with daughter, she would try to understand why you said that instead of giving you silent treatment.” ThisOneForMee
17. AITJ For Forgetting Mother's Day And Challenging My Stepmother's Christian Beliefs?
“I (47M) have a complicated relationship with my stepmother (68F). She has been significant in my life since I was 10, and while I appreciate the role she played in my early years, our relationship has become increasingly strained. She nurtures grievances and brings them up repeatedly; believes her memory is infallible, but her stories change over time, generally to my detriment.
My father (73M) enables her and won’t stand up for me.
**Trigger:**
Mother’s Day this year was challenging. I had flown into NZ from Melbourne early Sunday morning to join my partner (43F) and her family to celebrate her grandmother’s 90th birthday.
The day was hectic and stressful. By the time I woke up, my partner and her daughter (11) had finished their Mother’s Day activities. We were rushing to pack the car with my belongings and leave. My partner’s daughter had extended meltdowns during the 7-hour drive home.
With everything going on, I forgot about Mother’s Day and did not call my stepmother (or my mother).
**The Argument:**
A few days later, I called my Dad to prepare for our regular video call with my Dad, stepmother, and sister.
He mentioned that my stepmother was out and told me to call back later. I suggested I just video chat with him and my sister at that time, but he hesitated, eventually firming his mind and telling me to call later when my stepmother was home because she wanted to check something with me.
I called them a few hours later while I was driving. During the call, when I asked about how my stepmother was, she launched a passive-aggressive attack, saying, “How do you think I feel?” It took me a few moments to work out that she assumed I had been around Mother’s Day celebrations in New Zealand and ignored her in Australia.
My stepmother then brought up a supposedly forgotten birthday from over ten years ago, recounting details that I did not know of.
In a moment of frustration, I challenged her Christian beliefs by pointing out that she wasn’t being very forgiving.
Seriously, I had tried to apologize, but it felt like I had to relive all of her hurt in this process. I’m not particularly proud of this, but I was furious and lashed out during this attack.
**After the call, I responded to my Dad’s text:** *Ok to phone now*.
I don’t think it was ok to phone, Dad. I know it’s not your fault that I forgot Mother’s Day, but that was an ambush.
*No. Not ambush. You need to be able to discuss the impact of your action/inaction on those who love you. You hurt her!*
I spoke to you this afternoon, and you gave me no indication of this.
That was an ambush, and I found it very hurtful also. Maybe you didn’t mean it, but that’s how it feels.
My stepmother was hurt by my not calling on Mother’s Day. I feel she used the situation to attack me without any empathy.
Her rehashing of past grievances makes it hard to move forward. In a moment of frustration, I pointed out that her lack of forgiveness isn’t Christian. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ First and foremost it was your mistake: you forgot Mother’s Day – not only on the day itself, but on the days after too.
I can understand forgetting because of a stressful day, but I would remember at least when I call my dad and go „When did I last hear from him? Oh sh*t, not on Mother’s Day!“ and start with an apology.
Did your stepmother maybe overreact? Maybe? But again: it was on you to apologize. Instead, you attacked her! Did you ask for her forgiveness? Christians need to earn forgiveness – even from god. They have to – for Catholics – go to confession first or – for most other Christians – pray for forgiveness for them to be forgiven their sins.
So no, you don’t get to trample your stepmother’s feelings and then respond by trampling her beliefs. You get forgiveness when you work for it – which you didn’t.” Different-Mirror-100
Another User Comments:
“I’m Australian, it was impossible to go anywhere on Mother’s Day and not know it was Mother’s Day.
I simply don’t believe you forgot all day when you had a mother and a child in the car with you. I think you remembered at some point, though I’ll call you later, and then forgot – which is worse than just outright forgetting.
You should have called. Having not called you should have been considerate of how not calling made her feel. You aren’t sorry you didn’t call. You are annoyed you are in trouble because of it and since you are not remorseful you have a real hide suggesting your stepmother’s religion requires you be forgiven.
When you hurt people you don’t get to determine how they express that hurt. She didn’t mistreat you, didn’t curse you out, or spread nasty lies. She was upset and overdramatic about it. ” throwAWweddingwoe
Another User Comments:
“You didn’t forget it was Mother’s Day.
You were celebrating it elsewhere. Your apology was so insincere as to not warrant a real reply. Christians as well as atheists know when you’re bullying them, and are fully capable of seeing patterns of not caring. Your stepmother fully sees you not giving af and therefore is not required to accept an apology you don’t mean, for a thoughtless lack of caring that has gone on for years.
YTJ for forgetting Mother’s day and trying to turn it back on her like the best of deflectors.” IllTemperedOldWoman
16. AITJ For Refusing To Go On A Family Trip Because My Mother Insisted I Fly Business Class?
“For context, my family is from Singapore and wanted to go to Switzerland at the end of the year, which I was okay with.
I am paying for my expenses, my sister is paying for her expenses, and my dad pays for both my mum’s and his expenses.
While we were booking tickets, my mum started trying to make me fly business, as she wanted the whole family to fly business.
I told her I was not forking out the extra cash to fly business, as I just paid for my cat’s surgery, and money was tight. I said that if she wants to fly business, she can fly with my dad, as my sister and I are okay with flying economy.
My mum offered to lend me money to fly business, and I could pay the money back in the future, but I said that I was just not willing to spend the extra cash on the flight when it could be used to pay for the hotel.
She kept trying to get me to just buy the business class tickets for 15 minutes, and I just decided I didn’t want to go anymore, I walked away and told her that she could decide for herself, I would decide when I wanted to go.
Later on, she decided to buy economy tickets with my dad and told me to buy my tickets, but I just told her that I was not buying the tickets, as I didn’t want to go on the trip anymore.
She then proceeded to flip out on me, saying that I was proud and selfish and, I lied to her. She said that she bought the economy tickets because I didn’t want to fly business, and I told her that I was not going anymore.
She then stormed off to her room and slammed the door.
My dad got angry at me, saying that I shouldn’t have lied to my mum. I told him that my mum kept trying to force me to fly business with them, but I was not willing to fork out the extra cash.
He said that if it was about cash, he could cover the extra for me, but I said that I just didn’t want to spend the extra cash. He said that if I didn’t want to, I could just say I didn’t want to, no one’s gonna force me, and I replied that I’d already said multiple times that I didn’t want to fly business, but my mum kept trying to force me anyway.
I said that I walked away because I didn’t want to shout at my mum, and I was controlling my anger. I said that I told her that she could decide for herself, and I would decide when I wanted to go.
My dad didn’t know how to reply and went to check up on my mum.
Now my mum and I are not on talking terms. So, AITJ for deciding not to go for a family trip because my mum was forcing me to fly business?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not obligated to spend extra money on flying business class, especially if you’ve already explained your financial situation and priorities. It’s unfair for your mom to pressure you into it and then accuse you of lying when you stand your ground.
It’s commendable that you maintained your composure and chose not to engage in a heated argument. Your decision not to go on the trip is understandable given the circumstances.” Red_girl15
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She gave too little, too late.
After being subject to so much unrelenting pressure, it’s fully understandable that you’d realize you wouldn’t enjoy the trip. Choosing not to go was the right move. Not only will it free you from an unenjoyable trip, but it will show that you have a limit on how much harassment and coercion you’re willing to accept.
Maybe next time around, she’ll be more willing to honor your choice.” extinct_diplodocus
15. AITJ For Getting An Attitude After My Fiancé Broke My Car?
“This is my first time on Reddit but I listen to stories all the time.
As the title says Sunday my fiancé drove my car and when he got home the power steering was shot. I haven’t driven it since I got home Friday at 5, he drove it all weekend. He got home around 9 pm so there was no way to find anyone to come look/fix it.
Naturally, I got upset but not at him (my car is 2010 so it’s not perfect) just at the situation my birthday was approaching and I had enough money for half of the bills and $500 for my birthday I get paid biweekly and my next check goes to bills and my babies birthday.
I’m 35 weeks pregnant with three kids at home, all I wanted to do was get my hair/nails done. I never do anything for myself, all my time and money goes to him and the kids. So I made a promise to myself that I would do something for myself.
Well, Monday came, and I had to call off work because I was the only one with the vehicle and also had to cancel my doctor’s appointment for that day. Already annoyed, he offers to take the car to Autozone to figure out what the problem is.
The thing is auto zone is about 25 minutes away the auto shop is 8 minutes away. I said “I called the shop they said bring it in” he got upset because I said it with an annoyed tone. His response was “I’m sick of your attitude you’ve had one since last night” I responded “Yes I have an attitude I’m supposed to be at work, and the kids are supposed to be at school” That started an argument mainly him getting extremely upset while I cried gathering the kids and telling him to just go.
He came back and Autozone was no help (like I figured) usually I shut down when people scream at me like he did, so I got dressed laid the kids down for a nap, and took the car to the shop no words were exchanged. After sitting there for 3-4 hours and $497.47 later I got the car fixed. I came home he asked how much it was threw money on the dresser and walked away.
I left it there because I found it disrespectful to just throw money at me like I did something to him it was only $100, I wasn’t mad at him about the car just mad at the situation itself.
We haven’t spoken to each other since Sunday it’s been a week and again my birthday is Wednesday and now I only have $20 for myself. I feel like I’ve been made to be the bad guy for literally no reason.
I didn’t scream at him or make him feel bad when he came home that night, I still don’t blame him for the car messing up. But he has painted me the bad guy and as I stare at the damage from him getting mad because I had an attitude I question AITJ for getting an attitude in the first place ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But why are you torturing yourself by staying with this guy? Does he even care about you? Just by reading this post, I get the feeling he doesn’t. You’re just convenient for him. Look very closely at all aspects of your relationship and family before you say I do.” Dragon_Queen_666
Another User Comments:
“I’m sorry this is how your birthday went. NTJ. When you have a calm moment, I would ask your partner why he didn’t respect your request to take *your* car to the shop for repairs.
I get that it’s frustrating for both of you that cars break and you have to pay for unexpected repairs, but you should be able to have a calm conversation about what to do about it. If he doesn’t apologize, I think that tells you what you need to know about his level of respect for you in the relationship.” DrZ_217
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – It sounds like he’s a jerk. However, you don’t sound like a golden ray of sunshine either. So, you’re a good match for each other. Unless he was driving recklessly, you can’t blame him for the power steering.
If you have a 14-year-old car, you have to expect them to break. I like to drive my cars into the ground. The last time I had one that old, I budgeted three car payments/year for repair.
That’s the cost of having an old car. You both need to work on communication. Use your words. From your post, it seems like you both use the yell and either storm off or shut down method of communication.
Sit down and have an adult conversation about things. While you are at it, discuss things like budgeting, responsibilities, and contingency plans for things like transportation. You can’t be that pregnant and not have a backup plan if your old car goes down.
Also, paragraphs are a thing” evelbug
14. AITJ For Not Wanting To Attend My Niece's Graduation Party Due To Family Tensions?
“Ok, so I need help here. I(41f) have a niece who just graduated high school and her graduation party is tonight. My mom called me a little while ago and asked if I was going.
I’m inclined to say no, but I know it will upset my mom.
For some context, my brother has 4 daughters with his wife and they do all sorts of things with my SIL’s family quite frequently, which means my mom often feels left out.
My SIL has a large family and they do almost everything together, she and her sister are inseparable and do everything together. Even my niece’s graduation party is combined with SIL’s sister’s kid and held at their house.
All 4 of my nieces are involved in different activities, sports, dance, theater, etc. and my mom often gets upset because she doesn’t always know when my nieces have something going on.
For the graduation party, formal invitations were sent out.
I wasn’t sent one, my brother added my name to the one that was sent to my mom and stepdad. He told my mom it was because he didn’t have my address, but he never contacted me to get it either and he has my number, and so does my niece.
I get the distinct impression every time I’m at anything to do with my brother and his family, they don’t want me around. My brother and I have a tense relationship, to begin with, and are cordial with each other and that is about it.
I also cannot stand his wife, and though I haven’t told my brother that, and have never said anything, I get the feeling it’s mutual. My brother also tends to be a bully and makes nasty, snide comments about my appearance, vehicle, what I do for work, and many other things, and then claims he’s “just joking” when I get upset.
For the sake of my mental health, I have slowly been withdrawing myself from many events I know my brother and his family will be at. I do go on holiday at my mom’s, but I only went to a couple of my nieces’ events in the last year.
My nieces are 18, 13, 12, and 6 and all except the 6-year-old have phones and my number and could easily contact me if they wanted me to come to something. None of them ever did. I haven’t heard anything about the 18-year-old graduation party except from my mom who mentioned it a couple of times.
My brother never reached out and neither did my niece. I feel as though I am not wanted and therefore don’t want to go. My mom says that I should because of how often she gets upset at being excluded and my brother is trying to include us this time.
I get her point, but I also feel like I’m not wanted and it just be another awkward afternoon if I went because other than my mom, no one wants me there. I’m also extremely introverted and neurodivergent so I may have missed some social clues.
I tend to do that.
Anyway, WIBTJ if I don’t go?”
Another User Comments:
“I wouldn’t go. You know when you’re wanted and when you’re not. Based on what you’ve stated they don’t genuinely want you there or at least don’t care if you’re there.
You and your mom are not one person. If she wants to go, she should go. If you want to improve the relationship with your brother, you should have a conversation with him to try to mend things.” RandomReddit9791
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom has been conditioned to be grateful for crumbs and for that I am sorry. If you love your mom, show her and spend time with her on your own. But no need to go where you are not wanted. Tell her you wish her a good time and that everyone has fun!
Then plan a lunch date with her.” Comeback_321
13. AITJ For Cancelling My Partner's Birthday Plans Multiple Times Due To His Indecisiveness?
“I (F31) partner (M29) together for 5 years, don’t live together was long distance for 3.5 years.
Am I the jerk for canceling the partner plans I made for his 30th after changing them 3 separate times to accommodate his changes of mind?
I planned a whole weekend away as his birthday falls on a Saturday for the partner to drive a steam train & tram and spa day all things he had mentioned on his before 30 bucket list but didn’t do.
I told him I made plans but not what so they would be a surprise on the days.
He then told me his family was coming to town so he ‘couldn’t’ see me on his birthday which is a Saturday.
I said fine then canceled the weekend.
Then I booked him tickets for a very expensive concert also on the bucket list that cost more than all the original plans combined.
He then wouldn’t give me a straight answer as to what day I could see him.
I snapped when he was being cagey about giving me a day and time to meet a few weekends back and it escalated into multiple examples where I said “You can’t even give me a day to see you for your birthday.”
We had a discussion and I said how much effort I put into the original birthday plan and it’s impossible to plan anything as he won’t commit to a day or time ever for anything – every time we are at mine it’s always a 20 min back and forth “what do you want to eat?” He can’t seem to make any decisions and I keep telling him it is infuriating.
Then he suddenly wants to see me on his birthday and bumps his family to Sunday.
I can’t rebook the original things because they get booked up months in advance. He still doesn’t know what it is.
So I picked a VR thing & hotel for Friday night and a Broadway show for Saturday all things he wants to do.
We are staying in our city so he can have all Sunday for the family without having to rush anywhere.
Then today he sends me texts that he wants to take days off work Wed-Monday and go somewhere.
I said fine, then gave him some options based on the places he wanted to go.
Then it turns out they are only half days which is pointless to go somewhere because on his half days, he won’t finish until 2 then on Sunday he would still need to be back to see his family…
I told him he could pick what he wanted to do and plan the things and tell me where to meet him because I have planned and canceled so many things at this point I am not doing it again.
I canceled what I planned except for the concert tickets that won’t be for months and will still be given as a present.
Now he just wants to go back to the second thing I planned in our city – am I the jerk for saying no?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. To give him a generous read, maybe he thinks it’s something like booking a reservation to go to a restaurant, not that you’re trying to cross things off his bucket list. But honestly, it sounds like he is not appreciating your effort.
So go to the concert without him. Tell him he couldn’t commit to anything you planned and go on all of those events without him” chaosilike
Another User Comments:
“Sounds like you’re turning his birthday into a chore for him just so you can nominate yourself for the best-partner award.
Some people just like to take things easy for their birthday, and you’re forcing him to make plans without him knowing what those plans are. YTJ” AngusLynch09
Though you do mention that trying to order food with him is tiring as well; maybe he is just not considerate or not interested in what you want to do.
12. AITJ For Being Upset That My Partner's Family Excluded Me From Their Japan Trip?
“Last summer, my partner, his family, and some friends of his parents went to a Japanese restaurant for dinner.
Their friends had recently been to Japan, and we were talking about their trip. My partner mentioned that I wanted to go to Japan. They got excited talking about the places to visit, and my partner’s mother immediately said she would love to go too.
Their friends were encouraging my partner and me to make that trip soon because we were young and would enjoy it more. However, I said that as much as I would love to go, it wouldn’t be possible shortly because my partner and I were looking to buy a house to live in together, as we had been together for three years.
At the beginning of this year, we finally got our house, but we had to do some renovations and didn’t have anything in the house yet, so we didn’t move in right away. A month after buying the house, my partner informed me via message (his parents were pressuring him to tell me that day) that this year he was going on a 15-day vacation to Japan with his family.
I immediately understood it would be ONLY FAMILY, I was not invited, and it was a thing for just the four of them. I didn’t oppose the trip, but I was upset about the situation. My partner thinks I shouldn’t be upset because he didn’t create this situation, but he also doesn’t want me to be upset with his parents and says I should accept it.
If the roles were reversed, I believe he would be very upset.
We still haven’t moved in together because of this trip. I don’t want to be alone in an empty house for 15 days while they are on a trip they know I would love to take.
At first, my partner didn’t understand and wanted to move into our house sooner and after a week he agreed to delay the change.
Whenever I express my point of view, my partner says I’m being dramatic, that if I feel bad, he will also feel bad, and consequently won’t enjoy the vacation because I will cause a problem between him and his parents.
His parents aren’t naive and have already asked him if this situation will ruin our relationship, but I asked him not to tell them that I was upset about the whole situation—being informed via message due to their pressure, the 15 days at the worst possible time, delaying our move into our house, and it being a destination I would love to visit.
My partner says they didn’t do it on purpose and that supposedly they were already planning to make this trip last year and just hadn’t told my partner, but the timing was terrible. I didn’t want them to pay for my trip, but since they didn’t open the possibility for me to pay my share, the family is exclusive when it’s convenient.
They are about to leave, and my partner says that on the day they leave, I cannot be sad, or else he will leave upset.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ he doesn’t get to tell you how to feel and whilst he didn’t have control over the trip his parents planned, he could have asked why they informed him so late, or why his partner of 3 years isn’t invited especially if you’re at the point of looking to buy together. And it’s kinda gross of him to be ‘sad’ that you don’t wanna move into an empty house and take all the effort if organizing everything alone whilst he’s off having fun” Positive-Macaroon-62
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. We went on a family trip to Japan and it went without saying that my and my sibling’s partners were invited. If you’re in a serious enough relationship to buy a house, then you and your partner are a family.
I couldn’t conceive of going away for 15 days without my partner to a location I knew they wanted to visit. It’s disrespectful to both your partner and their parents. He didn’t care at all about your feelings when he accepted the trip, why are you required to protect his feelings?” Difficult-Chapter-69
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner and his family are well aware of your desire to go to Japan and while they have the right to plan a family-only trip, it’s still pretty bad to not invite you.
Your in-laws are jerks for excluding you and your partner is a jerk for not standing up for you to his parents and then policing how you should feel about his behavior. Rethink moving in with this guy, I know you bought the house already, which complicates things, but you deserve better than this momma’s boy.” JuggernautOnly695
11. AITJ For Withholding My Paycheck After My Husband Failed To Pay Our Mortgage?
“Today, I received several credit alerts that there “had been a change” in my credit. I have been working hard over the last few years to improve my credit, as my balances have gotten kind of high.
Imagine my surprise today when I went into my credit tracker and found my credit score had dropped over 100 points!
I frantically checked for the reason, thinking it was because I had applied for pre-approval for a car loan (one of the reasons I’ve been working on my credit score).
NOPE. Turns out, our mortgage hasn’t been paid in over two months.
BACKSTORY: I’ve been married for 17 years. At the beginning of our marriage, I handled all the finances. About 12 years ago, I complained once that it was stressful to pay all the bills while working a full-time job.
The husband, who has ADHD and bipolar (important later), reacted by seizing all the bills and putting them in his name. I let him do it because it was stressful to manage a house, young kids, a job, and the bills!
Several times over the years, he has gone on a bipolar bender. I won’t go into details because it’s a different story, but it has been very traumatic and is usually prefaced by him failing to pay bills, running through our money, and then lying about it.
I have tried numerous times to take back some autonomy over the bills over the years. We have set expectations with our therapist that I have access to all of the accounts and bill pays… and that lasts a few months.
The last time he switched jobs, he failed to sign up for direct deposit (mine goes to our joint account), so I never know how much money he is sitting on. He makes twice as much as I do, and we have longstanding norms that our money is shared.
We happened to be in the car together when I discovered the credit slip. He assured me the mortgage had been paid, and I started to gather the info needed to contest the derogatory mark. All of a sudden, he went on a tirade about all the things he was doing wrong and all the people he was disappointing.
I knew then that he had lied— the mortgage hadn’t been paid.
I told him I didn’t like his reaction, I was upset that he lied and that he made this all about him. I moved my recent paycheck into my account and told him I would not be contributing to our expenses until we sat down and wrote down all the logins to our billing accounts and reconciled our banking.
He called me a self-righteous jerk. I spent the next hour sobbing quietly in the car. He apologized, but it felt hollow.
I suspect he is in a manic cycle and either off his meds or they are no longer working like they used to.
Of course, I can’t say anything or I’m “weaponizing” his mental illness.
Am I the jerk for withholding my paycheck?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Been there, done that. Someone with this kind of medical issue can only help themselves.
And they should because you should have a partner, not a dependent. My ex used to pull this nonsense all the time. I remember when my phone got shut off for lack of service and there was 6 months worth of dues on my account.
I was giving her money and instead of paying the utilities, she was spending it. At some point, no matter what kind of medical or mental illness they have to take accountability for themselves. Just get rid of him.
He’s trying to manipulate you with this poor me nonsense and it should end. Either he gets his act together or he’s gone. No middle ground.” Burning-Taint
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Trust your gut here, you’ve seen this before and you do not need to stick around and wait for things to get worse, or to lose the house.
The fact he got verbally abusive after trying to make himself the victim…DARVO is never okay. Edit – Not saying LEAVE HIM, I’m saying trust your gut and do all you need to to secure things for yourself until he is through this.
And don’t feel out of order for asking for things to change, this is serious and his mental health is not an excusable reason to be ‘rolling the dice’ on whether you both have a home or utilities.” Aggravating-Thanks80
10. AITJ For Planning To Take In A Neglected Neighbor's Dog?
“Last month, I (F, 49) took my dog out to relieve himself. Well, as we’re heading back to the house, as I round the corner, I see a pair of ghost-white eyes staring at me from under the neighbor’s bushes.
It was a BIG dog… husky/german mix, young.
Who turned out to be super friendly, goofy, (un-neutered), and sweet. For clarity, we’ll call my dog Neil and the stray Steve.
Steve was clean and soft with short nails, but was SUPER skinny.
I figured he had been running free for a few days and was not good at scavenging. There is no collar, just a choke chain. I put Neil back in the house, grabbed Steve, and headed to the emergency vet to scan him for a chip.
(Steve is untrained as far as I can tell. ‘Sit’ gets nothing. Whatever, he’s part Husky and they can be stubborn.) Alas, no chip.
I took Steve home and posted pics of him on Nextdoor and my community social media page and prepped some posters to hang up.
I called animal control to see if he’d been reported missing. Called local vets to see if anyone recognized him. And we waited.
I got a lot of hits on social media that Steve was a known escape artist, and he usually just goes home.
Finally, the next day, his owner reaches out. He says he misses his dog, and I get it. So, I return him. The first thing that happens is the owner lets him in the house and keeps the door open, and Steve turns around and starts running up and down the block.
The owner is nonplussed (the house is about 50 feet away from a 6-lane road). After 5 minutes, Steve runs back into the house. After a few more minutes of polite conversation, I am annoyed but it’s not my dog, so I leave.
Come to find out later that day, the owner (a late middle age/older man) keeps Steve tied to a tree in the backyard, and Steve always slips the lead and goes roaming. The owner does nothing to better restrain the dog– just a choke chain and a rope.
The owner never puts tags on his runaway, fixes him, or chips him.
I started walking by this house with Neil nearly every day. Steve is usually tied to the tree. Even in bad heat. I see a bowl out there with him, but I’m not about to step on someone’s property to see if there’s water in it.
This way of keeping an animal is NOT a code violation where I’m at, it’s not considered animal cruelty or whatever.
Here’s where I need judgment – If I see Steve lose again, I’m going to keep him.
Yes, I feel bad for taking an old man’s dog, but he’s already been seen loose twice since I had him. The owner is not doing anything to ensure his dog remains safe and restrained.
WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I ‘took’ a dog years ago from neighbors who had 6 kids who tormented the puppy – locked in in a small shed in 100-degree heat – kicked it, etc. The dog would come to my house for water that I kept out and one day I picked the (golden retriever mix) pup up put it in my car and took it 30 minutes to my son’s home.
I explained the problem and he kept the dog. For 13 years this dog was my son’s family’s pet, he was trained, and he was my grandson’s best friend…the dog had an amazing life. I never felt guilty.
Twice a neighbor and I TOOK animals out of yards where they were tied 24/7 and mistreated….and found homes for them. No guilt. Dogs are living creatures – they deserve better than a rope around a tree.” omeomi24
Another User Comments:
“Saving a dog? N T J. I’m wondering why you thought it was relevant, though, to specify that Steve’s owner is black. I don’t see where that has anything to do with Steve’s situation, and the fact that you do makes me wonder if there’s more to this.” Aromatic-Office-4394
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but do NOT keep the dog, give him to someone who lives some distance away. You don’t want the neighbors to notice (and they will) and get a reputation for nabbing other people’s animals or worse, a reputation for taking in abandoned ones.
In a rural area that’s a good way to get unwanted dropoffs on your doorstep.” AngryDratini
9. AITJ For Defending Myself Against A Nurse's Unsolicited Weight Comment?
“Today I (F21) was at the hospital with my mom (F49) and my grandmother (F64) because my grandma was being admitted as tomorrow she’ll be having surgery for a hernia in the stomach. She was told to get there at 10 am and ended up waiting till 2 pm, so we were just there to support her and keep her company.
Now a relevant detail is I am overweight. Not chubby, not morbidly obese, just plain old overweight. Jiggly arms, fat thighs, and rolls on my stomach and back. I can move, although I run quite slowly, I can wash myself fine, and I don’t have trouble breathing.
The only medical problem I have is a hormonal imbalance which is likely the cause of half of my weight (the other half is food because I like to eat.) The other relevant detail is that obesity runs in the family and both my mother and grandma had a gastric bypass so they could lose weight, but they were far heavier than me now.
Back to the waiting room, we sat there until a nurse showed up to tell my grandma where to go. She looks at me up and down, saying she didn’t recognize me. At this point, I was smiling and ready for a pleasant session of small talk, but she wasn’t.
She looks me dead in the eyes and with the most patronizing voice ever she says: “Are we thinking about losing weight?”. This woman, without knowing my name, my age, my story, or my medical background just nonchalantly blurted out this phrase.
I was mortified and the smile died on my face. I was so shocked I chuckled a bit and said “Is this all you can think about me the first time you see me?” I tried to maintain eye contact while still being pleasant and not rude.
She started to explain that she’s a nurse, she wants to prevent people from being ill and this was part of her job, that she didn’t mean to upset me, but if she did she’s probably right, that if she didn’t have that uniform on she would have never said that.
I highly doubt it as she was about to clock out and my grandma was waiting for almost four hours at this point but she found the time to lecture me unasked about my weight in front of the whole waiting room.
Many of my friends told me she probably did it in bad faith and then justified herself behind her scrubs.
Then it was time for my grandma to go to her room and she finally left. I told my mother that I felt violated and she said to suck it up and go listen because she was doing it out of concern.
She told me it was rude of me to keep an angry demeanor (even though I didn’t raise my voice, I just didn’t give in to her explanation and kept eye contact, while upset). She said that I should have agreed with her, since it was true, and not start a discussion.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There was no reason for her to be rude or to make that comment. You weren’t the patient. Even if you were, unless the reason for the visit is weight-related or weight is a factor, that’s for a DOCTOR to tell you.
Her job was to help your grandma. So take the unsolicited advice and put it somewhere that only a colonoscopy can find it. So unprofessional of her. Also, she doesn’t know you. Imagine if you had an eating disorder, body dysmorphia or something, or a medical condition.
She didn’t know you, didn’t have your medical chart in front of her, and just ran her mouth. I’d escalate it to a supervisor because it was entirely inappropriate, unprofessional, and, contrary to her belief, uncaring.” archetyping101
Another User Comments:
“Your friends are right, I have had doctors and nurses ask the rudest questions. They don’t know me or my history and are insulting. If they weren’t doctors or nurses they would never have asked. They use excuses like this to justify asking questions that are violating and personal while making judgmental assumptions.
It comes down to this, has anyone who isn’t a nurse or doctor said or asked you anything like this? I’m going to assume no so yes they were hiding their rude biased opinionated comments behind their scrubs.” SecretMelodic
Another User Comments:
“Wow, NTJ. That nurse should lose her job for giving unsolicited health advice to family members who are already pretty stressed. People lose their cool in these situations all the time because of worrying about a loved one, let alone being body-shamed. So obviously not the jerk and sorry you had to go through that at a time when the number one concern was grandma.
I would honestly report that woman. Also, from your mother’s response, I can see where you get your self-doubt from, whether or not she thinks it’s true nobody has a right to police your body like that especially if they don’t know you or your medical history.” [deleted]
8. AITJ For Not Supporting My Sister's Sudden Decision To Separate And Move Abroad?
“My sister is seemingly going crazy. She’s separated from her husband and is now demanding to move out and get her place even though they have mortgages on the house.
She also wants to go out and explore and travel the world but they have two small children still in school. She’s having rapid mood swings, first yelling at her husband (my brother-in-law), and then five minutes later being fine, and changing her mind saying it’s no big deal. Her best friend Angela has lots of money and will be moving abroad next year with her kids permanently, so is my sister worried about missing out or something?
My sister Kay (fake name) has always been a bit competitive and often wants to do what other people are doing, but also she goes through phases of being fixated on a hobby and then changing her mind and moving on to something else.
(Possible ADHD) But she’s not moving on from this, she’s mad at her husband, she’s mad at our family and we don’t know what to do. My parents didn’t give her money to buy her place because they were worried she was making a mistake, but she’s now ignoring them, saying she will no longer raise the kids catholic (my mother’s religion) and is not taking up their offer to babysit anymore.
She shuts down and won’t really talk to anyone, and when her BIL suggested she go to counseling or the doctors to see if there’s an issue, she dug her heels in and just completely refused to go.
My sister and BIL have been married for about seven or eight years and mostly seemed happy, they met in the army, they did things together, and even though there were squabbles here and there they mostly seemed happy.
She said they were separating of the blue, and now she wants to move abroad and go on holiday and take the kids indefinitely. He’s trying to get loans to help with the house mortgage so she can move out but because it’s not happening quickly enough she’s getting mad at him.
She’s also just stopped talking to anyone who might suggest she wait a bit and reassess in a couple of months. She’s raging and has even said she’s got to save herself. She says she’s got to think about her to survive and is using a lot of dramatic language that implies if we don’t support her in what she’s doing, she’ll block us all.
I feel that she’s being irrational and said as much, and she was angry I wasn’t being more supportive. I am trying to support her but she’s not reaching out to me at all. Plus, I have no idea what to do or say.
She can’t just jet off because she has young children, but then again that hasn’t stopped other people. I have talked to my BIL more in the past few weeks than I have to her because it’s almost radio silence.
AITJ for not supporting her more?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but it sounds like she’s having a mental health crisis. Has anything other than this separation happened that has changed her personality? I think the support you need to give is to suss out if she’s having a breakdown and then seeking the proper care for that” Far-Season-695
Another User Comments:
“NTJ If your sister is having some sort of mental break and refusing treatment and help….there’s not much you can do for her right now. Practically, you could help your BIL more (which you seem to be doing) and help with their kids.
That’s the most practical helpful thing you can do right now – obviously if you can, keep encouraging your sister to see a Dr.” superrm81
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but please have your sister speak with a mental health professional it sounds like she may be having some serious issues that could only get worse over time if not treated/medicated. I wish you the best of luck and I’m sorry you’re going through so much stress.” mistydayze
7. AITJ For Uninviting Our Father From Our Brother's Graduation If He Brings His Controversial Partner?
“Our father was engaged to another woman (let’s call her Deana) when he met, started seeing, and proposed to our mom. Important note: Our mom didn’t know about Deana until they had started wedding planning and he had broken things off with Deana.
Our parents got married and had three daughters. They divorced due to our father’s drinking in about 2000, and towards the end of the marriage, he had an affair with Deana (the exact timeline is unclear). He continued to see Deana on and off, none of the three of us cared for her due to the affair and her being generally rude, especially towards our mom.
Our father then saw a young woman and they had our half-brother (let’s call him Jesse). Our father was in and out of jail throughout the next several years. He eventually went to prison for some pretty horrendous stuff in 2017/2018, and one of my older sisters (let’s call her Belle) took full custody of Jesse.
Belle lives with our mom and stepdad, so they all three took care of Jesse. Last year, our father got out of prison, and we recently found out he is in a “complicated relationship” with Deana. When she found out, Belle made it explicitly clear that we do not like Deana, and we don’t want to discuss her with him, ever.
The good stuff: All four of us have very strained relationships with our father (due to the many issues mentioned above, plus some). All of us have had low to no contact with him since he got out of prison last year.
Our little brother Jesse is graduating high school in a few weeks (all thanks to Belle, our mom, and stepdad). Our father told Belle that he intended to bring Deana to the graduation ceremony. After discussing with us, Belle told our father that none of us, especially Jesse, are comfortable with Deana coming to graduation, and that we all agree it should just be close family (this is all true, and she even left out some of the more angry things Jesse said).
Our father then said that he would not be uninviting Deana from graduation as that would be rude, so Belle told him that if Deana came, they could not sit with us. He did not back down.
Just two days ago we sent out an invite to Jesse’s graduation party which is being hosted by Belle at our mom and stepdad’s house.
Our father RSVP’d for two people, which we assume includes Deana. All four of us kids, along with our stepdad, are incredibly upset by this.
Are we the jerks if we tell our father if he insists on bringing Deana, he is uninvited to our brother’s party?
Some additional info: When Belle took custody of Jesse, he had transferred schools about 7 times and was about to be taken to court for truancy. His graduating on time is a miracle and is only happening due to the blood, sweat, and tears put in by Jesse, Belle, and our mom and step-dad.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but why would have invited him to the party? You can’t keep him from the graduation but you can keep him from the party. Just don’t open the door if he shows up.” poncanach
Another User Comments:
“NTJ it would seem. It sounds like Jesse’s graduation is a public event open to anyone so you can’t prevent the dad from attending. But yes you aren’t obligated to sit with him or invite him to your home afterwards.” analyst19
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Jesse’s and the family’s wishes should be respected. Plain and simple. Also going to echo another comment, if your dad and Deana do show up at the party, you don’t have to let them in” thatgirl214
6. AITJ For Ignoring My Mom After Constant Arguments And Criticizing Her Lack Of Empathy?
My (17f) parents and I often have many disagreements.
Some people might say it’s abnormally often. Not a day goes by without at least one of them yelling at me. In my country, that kind of behavior from parents towards children is normalized and often said to be for the “benefit of the child”.
Most of the time it’s petty arguments or one-off comments but sometimes it gets too much for me.
Once my mom and I had a huge argument right before I left for college because she kept screaming at me to hurry up.
Even so, I still said bye to her to keep the peace but she ignored me. So I thought, well two can play that game, so I continued to ignore her for the next 2 days. That night, my dad berated me for being disrespectful to my mom and that he couldn’t believe I had the heart to treat my own mother that way.
In the end, I was the one forced to talk to her. No apologies from either side, we move on and pretend like nothing happened like usual. She’s also very controlling and says multiple times “You WILL do what I tell you and you don’t have the right to say no”.
This year in particular has been hard on my mental health due to body image issues, uni entrance exams, and such. I’ve tried telling them that I want to try therapy but they say “What stress do YOU even have to deal with?”.
My parents are supportive of my education and future and they’ve provided me with a lot of luxuries, I can’t deny that but I can’t help but feel awful sometimes.
This all came to a head today when I was carrying some soup to a table and a huge butterfly kept touching me and flying around me.
I have a huge phobia of insects, almost get panic attacks sometimes. I just really cannot stand them. I had to be sent home one day from college because of a grasshopper that landed on me because I would not stop shaking.
So I freaked out and ended up spilling the soup. I was trying not to cry right then and there but then my mom came in and just screamed. Would not listen to a word I said. She then basically screamed at me to clean it up.
I was just really hurt that she couldn’t even have a LITTLE bit of empathy for me. I still wouldn’t stop crying and my dad was nice enough but my mom told me to grow up and stop acting like a kid.
So I kinda lost it and screamed at her that she had little to no empathy for me and I don’t like how she treats me and frankly I’m starting to actually dislike her as my mother. She then starts crying and still will not stop bringing it up out of spite even a whole day later, about how I’m the jerk for screaming at her.
Even went around telling every relative about it. So, AITJ?
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This post screams Indian parents to me. They sound abusive even if it’s normalized in your culture. It is not ok but I would suggest not giving into their screaming matches to protect your own energy.
Look into resources on how to deal with such parents online, there’s lots of free stuff out there.” piemakerdeadwaker
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m a 49-year-old woman. I do love butterflies and I would be thrilled if one decided to harass me but I don’t like any other insects or arachnids.
My parents always removed any creature I was afraid of and now my daughter removes them. If I had spilled soup because a wasp was flying around my head my parents would have told me that it wasn’t my fault and would have just said that soup was off the menu.” chez2202
5. AITJ For Asking My Partner To Limit Her Cat's Visits Due To Damages And Potential Eviction?
“I live in an apartment where they allow pets but you have to still pay a pet fee and my renters don’t know about my roommate’s cat, however, his cat does not go into the windows and doesn’t do a lot.
My partner has a cat as well, and she will bring him over for a week at a time, her cat does go into the windows, is commonly seen by neighbors, and also spills drinks, chews (breaks) the blinds, jumps on tables and counters (including cabinets and the oven).
I was worried about the charges for the broken blinds, pet fees, or even eviction, and losing my security deposit and it makes me think we aren’t keeping a close enough eye on him when he’s over so I suggested we either find a way to keep him out of the windowsill, keep him out of the kitchen where the windowsill is, or reduce how often he’s here all together so that we don’t have to worry about him when we aren’t in the apartment.
I let her know I don’t want to feel like I have to watch her cat all the time and that worrying about these things makes me anxious.
I told her all of this and she largely went quiet aside from originally fighting the argument to find alternatives by pointing out my roommate’s cat and mentioning that she was sure other people also have similar situations and aren’t caught by renters, but when I let her know that I already felt I was lenient in letting her cat be here for a week at a time when I already told her she could only keep him here days at a time when she originally brought him over she went quiet and said she needed time and space to think.
I understand she doesn’t get to spend a lot of time with her cat when she wants to spend more time away from home, it’s why she brings her cat in the first place. Otherwise, she forgets to take care of her cat and he has to stay in her room at home where he can’t move around as much.
My partner’s parents were threatening to get rid of her cat because he would scratch and meow and wasn’t too friendly with their dogs and they kept having to take care of him. My partner even said she would pay for damages but when I mentioned the cost of the security deposit she said she wouldn’t be willing to pay that much.
I love her, and I love her cat, but she isn’t taking responsibility for her cat’s destruction when we aren’t around so I thought presenting solutions and reducing the time her cat is over was a good idea despite what I know about what her parents say about her cat at home.
At the end of her asking for solutions, I also told her she should take her cat home, it felt like the right thing to do but still, I feel like I messed up. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for not having your roommate pay the cat fee. What is up with this? Just pay the fee and the poor cat can be in the window or *gasp* seen by a neighbor. Geez.
Both of you are bad tenants and make it more difficult for responsible pet owners to find places to rent. NTJ for telling your partner her cat needs to go home. It’s not your fault she is a bad cat owner and should not own a cat or any pet.
That poor cat needs to be rehomed rather than stuck in a bedroom alone in her parents’ house. But, that is on her, not you.” Even_Budget2078
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here but the cat. The cat is just being a cat.
They are understimulated. Guess what, cats need more than 10 minutes of cuddles and a bowl of food. They need to engage their brain, which for a cat means hunting. If they don’t get enough mental and physical enrichment they turn destructive.
It’s natural for a cat to want to look out a window. They also like high places where they can watch things, most cats end up on the counter. . they just do it when no one is looking.
You need to pay the pet deposit if there is a pet there. That’s the responsible thing to do and you have no legal leg to stand on not paying as it is. She needs to rehome the cat to someone who can provide a safe home for it to live.
If the cat is confrontational at its normal home there is a reason for it. Most cats react that way because of their boundaries not being respected and not having safe spaces they can retreat to.” _Hallaloth_
4. AITJ For Wanting To Confront My Brother's Wife Over Her Disrespectful Behavior?
“Just be clear this isn’t my wife’s sister but my brother’s wife (30f) we’ll call her M&M.
So my wife (23f) and I (25m) have been getting tired of M&M and her disrespectful comments, and behavior towards us. For example, when I was introducing my wife (my partner at the time) to my family and for the first time, a comment M&M made to her was, “You can still run.” or “Are you sure you want him?” Which seemed like jokes at first but I wasn’t a fan of them.
And reinforced it wasn’t a joke because later on in other meets if I ever did anything wrong, embarrassing, or even if I just was acting silly she said to my wife, “There’s still time..” or “You can always leave” which I never confronted at the time because when there was drama between my mom and M&M regarding a social media post (M&M got offended about a post that my mom was tagged in) she chose to keep her kids (she has 3 total 2 at the time) away from my parents for I think a year.
I lived with my parents still and if I confronted her I felt that she would take the kids from my parents again. So for the time being I bit my tongue.
Time goes by still dealing with the same comments and overall ridicule M&M continues to throw.
While getting more confident that she starts pointing out flaws I have when my wife is away. I was still insecure at the time and she knew that. So anyway my wife and I got engaged she’s amazing, beautiful, kind, and very family-oriented. When we tell my brother and M&M my brother is happy for us and congratulates us while M&M says “nice” and doesn’t congratulate us.
For our engagement party, my mom asked M&M to make cookies for us (which she did to make extra money) and she said ok we even paid her 150 dollars because they’re decorative and the day of she came down with the “stomach flu” along with her kids and can’t give us the cookies in case she or the kids contaminated them.
We never got the refund back nor has she acknowledged it to this day and her kids were fine the next day.
My wife and I later eloped and invited my brother and M&M to celebrate alongside hers and my family giving them all a good time frame to get a day off and get a babysitter.
They said they would try to make it and texted us the day if they couldn’t make it with no other excuse.
That brings us to now my wife who is getting ignored by M&M and even skipped my wife when she was having everyone hold her 3rd baby and when M&M heard that I was getting a house she did not react.
So my wife and I are down to our last straw M&M clearly has a problem with us and isn’t just telling us straight up which we’d prefer her to do I want to confront her about it but my mom who is kombiya about everything wants us to get along like nothing so am I the jerk if I just confront her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but it’s not going to help. Your best move is to stop caring about what your SIL does or says. Whatever her problem is, it’s her problem. Sadly, your brother would allow her to keep the grandkids away from your parents, but that’s his problem.
Honestly, if I were your wife, I would be happy to be ignored by SIL. She sounds unpleasant.” jillian512
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What do you gain from having a confrontation with her? She will scream and cry and act like the victim, further alienating you from your brother.
Just enjoy the peace you have from not being part of her inner circle. I would be honestly happy that she doesn’t include your wife or speak to her, it gives her no opportunity to drip poison in her ear and spread her toxic hate.
I can understand you both feeling upset and mystified about why she behaves like this, but it’s her issue, not yours, and I wouldn’t want her to get any closer to you both bringing her negative energy with it.
You have nothing to gain confronting her, however much it hurts you to see your wife disrespected, you can only forcibly put her in place at a time when she says something horrible, but her actions you can’t change.
Just thank god it’s not you who married her, and your brother has to deal with her.” Lost-Imagination-995
Another User Comments:
“I mean NTJ, but something I haven’t seen pointed out is these don’t seem to be directed at your wife.
It seems like she has a problem with you. Like all her run comments, that seemed like she was trying to get a dig in at you, not her. Honestly, nothing you listed is directed at your wife.
Some of it now affects her, but I think the SIL dislikes you specifically. Do you have an example of her going at your wife directly, that’s not a subtle dig at you?” Violent2dope
3. AITJ For Not Contributing Financially After Losing My Job And Developing A Disability?
“To give you some background, my fiancé is a super hard-working woman, even to a fault regularly working 50+ hour weeks.
She also has social anxiety issues and does not drive because of her vision. I provide 100 percent of her transportation.
Last year she got a new job and had to travel a lot for it. It was tough, but there was an obvious strain on MY job which came to a head at the end of summer.
She was staying in a hotel in a city 2 hours away for 5 days at a time during her training period, and one morning her alarm didn’t go off for whatever reason.
During this time, I was responsible for a company site-wide machine refresh where I was set to install new computers at our retail locations which meant that I was using a company vehicle to transport machines and travel across the coverage area.
She proceeded to have a panic attack when she realized she might have to call into her job when I explained to her that there wasn’t enough time to get her there and for me to get to work on time.
It was almost a full-on meltdown. I relented and took her with me in the company vehicle, which was a no-no. One of the store managers took pictures of her sitting in the truck and forwarded them to my boss.
I lost my job, but that isn’t the worst part – during this installation, I developed an over-use injury from all the heavy lifting, pushing, pulling, climbing, and stacking the project required. Two vertebrae in my thoracic spine had become severely compromised and were sawing into my spinal cord and I had to have surgery.
I now have a 13cm rod, 24 screws, and 2 laminar strips in my back and a lifetime of pain and discomfort.
It has been 8 months and I am still recovering.
I am fighting with the Workman’s Comp insurance and have a settlement and disability hearing on the horizon, but all of that takes time.
In the meantime, I do not have unemployment insurance. My initial claim was denied so there’s been almost no money coming in.
I asked her what she wanted or expected and she said she expects me to contribute to the household.
It’s affected every level of our relationship. I don’t think she likes me anymore, to be perfectly honest. Her happiness or satisfaction seems to depend solely on me bringing in an equal amount of money. What she doesn’t seem to care about is that I keep the house clean, the dog fed and healthy, and I cook for her and do her laundry.
She gets mad when I spend money on food, gas, or anything. I’ve done side-work where I can, sold paintings. I’ve also sold everything I own. I sold my guitars, my amplifiers, my collection of PS1 games, my PS4, my handgun, my rifle – anything of value that I had was offered up the chopping block and I did it without complaint.
Am I the jerk, here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Assuming you are doing everything you physically can to maintain the house and pursue your disability claim, this is one of those ‘in sickness and health’ things where she, as your supposed life partner, should be standing by your side.
Also, I’m assuming you’re not getting unemployment insurance because you were fired (directly because of her!) before your work injury manifested itself. For someone that can’t figure out how to get a taxi or an Uber to a hotel, she sure seems to expect a lot from you.” Nelsie020
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are in a pretty deep pickle here. Among other things, if you do get paid work, that becomes evidence that will be used against you at your hearing for disability. My two cents: You and your wife need to find a way to get your thoughts out to each other in a safe space, and without judging each other.
If you don’t, then the tension in your relationship is going to build and destroy your marriage, to the extent it is not destroyed already.” EnderBurger
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, your partner or you isn’t the reason you can’t work, your physical disability which resulted from your previous work is.
It’s a horrible situation all around. You’re limited in your ability to earn money, while your partner has been working 50+ hours a week to support both of you. Is your partner even making enough to comfortably sustain your lifestyle?
At this point it’s not about who’s the jerk, it’s about how to find a sustainable way to support yourself.” InternationalAd6614
2. AITJ For Wanting To Grieve My Mother's Passing Alone Instead Of With My Family?
“On Mother’s Day 2023, my beautiful, supportive, nurturing mother passed away from a cardiac arrest in her sleep. It was the worst day of my (f 27) life and my brothers (m 33, m38) and my dad (m 60). It was sudden and extremely unexpected as she was very healthy.
Since my mother’s passing, I, being the only girl, have taken on much emotional labor for these 3 men. I expected it and I was somewhat even honored at times to be able to help them. My dad is a very traditional man.
He was always the breadwinner, the provider. While my mother took on the empathetic duties in their parent ship. Empathy is not and never has been my father’s strong suit.
My father is very wealthy. He boasts about his wealth to my brothers and me, to his father and siblings, and to anyone who will listen.
He came from nothing, put himself through law school, and has decidedly earned every penny he has. But he is very stingy. He will govern money to us when we need it, but always with many terms and conditions and always with a very strict repayment plan.
I’m not saying this is wrong, it’s his money he must decide how to use it, but this transactional relationship does cause strain between us.
Since my mother’s passing, I have put my style of grieving on the back burner many times in favor of doing what my dad wants.
Thanksgiving, Christmas, even my birthday it’s been about him and his grief. I have told him aloud and in texts that I do not share his style of grieving and prefer to be alone with my pain but he so desperately wishes for us to be together as a family that I always give in.
With the approach of the anniversary of her death and the holiday of Mother’s Day itself, I told him that I was standing firm in not spending the day with him and my brothers. I do not wish to visit the cemetery.
I do not wish to cry with them. I wish to spend my day my way by myself. When I told him this he was very offended, accused me of not wishing to honor or celebrate my mother, and said that he has supported me constantly over the last year (with money) so it’s extremely unfair for me not to be with him on this day.
I told him I would think about it but I am sick to my stomach over this and feel as though I am grieving the loss of two parents. I can go to a bank for money but I can never get the love and support of my mom and dad anywhere else.
Should I just go to the cemetery to appease him and keep the peace? Am I being a jerk by asserting myself and my wants on this day when all of us are in so much pain? I will take any advice at this point, I’m so lost.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Typical females take on all the emotional needs of the males of the family while they ignore yours. Just stop. For once put yourself first. This has been the way women have always been treated. Put yourself and your needs behind the man’s.
Please allow yourself this day to think of your mom, the wonderful memories, and what you need to cope with your loss. Yes, your family lost a wife and mom but you also lost your mom. Why is your grief and your needs less important than your father’s?
He is the father. He is supposed to be the one taking care of you in sad times. ” Proof_Crazy_6632
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am so sorry for your loss and this post nearly made me cry.
I lost my dad in October of 2018 and I STILL don’t celebrate Father’s Day. I don’t even say the words to anyone, even other fathers that I know and love, or even the ones I am seeing. Your dad is emotionally manipulative and I believe you should stand your ground and spend the day as you wish.
Please give yourself the grace to grieve and heal as necessary. You will never get over it. It will never stop hurting. But you WILL be able to deal with it better as time goes on. Hugs.” NotTheMama4208
Another User Comments:
“YTJ most parents his age have never been taught how to express their feelings properly, it’s not about how he wants to grieve, it’s about the rest of you being together, maybe he just doesn’t want to feel that anyone else is taking a distance after the passing away of his wife.
And he wants you all to stay tight. Using money as a whip is not okay, but again, this generation was never taught to express how they feel or what they want properly. You get all the time in the world to grieve, but who knows how many years he has left to do so.” madandcheez
1. AITJ For Wanting To Leave The Museum Early On A Family Vacation?
“I’m currently an adult who’s traveling to Europe with my parents with some time spent in the UK, and the majority of the time spent in Germany.
The thing that prompted this was a disagreement we had while visiting the Natural History Museum in London. The disagreement was me asking if after I had enjoyed the museum to my satisfaction could I head back to the place we were staying at.
We only have one key to get into it, and it requires lengthy bus and/or subway rides to get to the room from the museum. The reason I asked is that my parents mentioned allowing me to stay in the room for the day after this since the place my Mom wanted to visit this trip was a place we all knew I wouldn’t enjoy even slightly, and I appreciated that.
So the compromise was that I borrow the key since we only had one as I would need to learn how to use it anyway if I was to get food while my parents were enjoying themselves.
What confused me was that despite trying to offer this compromise, they both rejected it outright.
Their reasoning was, as far as I can tell, effectively “You’re already at the place you wanted to visit, stop complaining”. Now the reason that I wanted to leave the museum earlier than my parents is because they wanted to spend the entire day there to really “learn”.
I tried explaining that to me which sounds like a glorified homework assignment or a chore instead of a place I still spend two to two and a half hours enjoying. Dad responded by going off on how it was a chore to bring along a whiny brooding child on vacation, and Mom just rolled her eyes at me.
Some more context I think could help is that I am also on the ASD spectrum, and suffer from ADHD, while both of my parents have neither issue, and I have read that people with ASD are much easier to make miserable when it’s too hot due to our sensitivity to textures.
(They have known I am Autistic for a little while now) My Dad and I, and more rarely my Mom and I have also had these kinds of disagreements when I try to make a compromise that I am certain will make everyone happy ever since I was an actual child, so this sort of discourse is nothing new.
The main thing I want to know is if I am being as unreasonable and whiny as my parents are implying. I think the answer is no since I tried putting forth ideas and deals that would try and satisfy everyone, but they rejected said ideas.
But by that same token, I don’t want them to be miserable on their vacation, especially if the reason is me, and I am desperate to know that if I am in the wrong, how can I fix myself to not bother them?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ If you were an adult you would have just told your parents “Hey, I’m going back to the room.” Given that you referenced homework you’re probably 17 or 18 and think that being a “legal” adult gives you a special status.
As the only person without ADHD in a family with it (spouse and 2 children); you’re using your disability as an excuse for bad behavior (which it isn’t). You’re saying that people with ASD are more sensitive to heat… when you were literally in London where the temp isn’t even north of 20c right now.
Enjoy the vacation you’ve been gifted and stop being a broody whiny child.” Adahla987
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It sounds like this compromise wasn’t brought up until the day off and that this wasn’t how the day was planned. You should’ve spoken up ahead of time so your parents knew in advance you didn’t want to spend all day there and you could’ve worked something out.
Equally, I don’t think it’s good planning to insist someone spend all day in one museum. I love the NHM but all day there is a lot! I also don’t think traveling back to your hotel alone was a good compromise as it sounds like you’d be far away and navigating a transport system you’re unfamiliar with.
Your parents likely worried you wouldn’t be safe. Good alternatives here would’ve been to suggest you go spend time at one of the nearby museums (V&A or Science Museum are right around the corner) and you meet back up outside the NHM for dinner.
Or you could’ve asked to split up with your parents inside the museum and spent some time sitting and people-watching or having coffee in the cafe. Traveling with other people is about compromise but also about safety and planning.” ausernamebyany_other
Another User Comments:
“NTJ they do not care whether something is deeply unpleasant for you or not. This vacation seems to be for them not for you. Since they aren’t people that can be negotiated with by words you need to do so with actions.
If they force you to go with them, you can make them as miserable as possible or try to take the key and go back without asking.” Gosc101
