People Want Cut-And-Dried Answers To Their “Am I The Jerk?” Problems
21. AITJ For Leaving My Ex's Car When He Made Me Uncomfortable?
“So I got really annoyed with my co-worker while we were going out for some work because he was prying into my personal life when I clearly stated that I’m not interested in talking about it. This co-worker is my ex (12 years together). I told him to stop the car and let me get out which he didn’t.
He held my hand really tightly and insisted that I stay and we remain on course.
I was in no mood to have a discussion or hang out with him and I asked him to drop me off so that I could cab my way back which he didn’t listen to.
Eventually, we made a stop to pick up some groceries and then I took that chance to get out of the car and refused to go back with him.
He called me and followed me and even said that he would drop me off at home and I was acting like a psycho-dramatic person and I should just get back in the car and go home with him.
But I didn’t and eventually, he left and I took a cab home. He’s been calling me non-stop since then and I’ve informed him that I’ve reached home and I need some time to cool down but still, he’s bombarding my phone with texts.
He did wait and ask me to go back with him.
Did I behave like a crazy person? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you don’t want to ride with someone then yeah get out of the car and find your way home. Him grabbing you is way out of line, and any sane person would probably be looking into filing a police report and probably getting a restraining order.
But you have known him for 12 years so maybe that is normal for you. Also, why are you still getting rides from your ex that you were with for 12 years again? Maybe find another job and get away from this person for good.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Holding onto you and not stopping the car so you could get out sure sounds like a case of false imprisonment (though thankfully a short one!). It’s absurd that he felt so entitled to knowledge about your life and your continued presence. People who are manipulative and abusive can be very good at making you look and feel like the crazy one, but they’re the ones making ridiculous demands and pulling the strings until you lose it.
NTJ.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Co-worker, ex, rideshare driver: irrelevant. NO ONE holds your hand, prevents you from getting out, and bombards you with contact. Report this to your supervisor, his supervisor, and HR. Print screenshots of the texts and your response to leave you alone.
Write a timeline of the personal questions, trying to get out, unwanted pursuit, and the hostile work environment this created.” Popular-Way-7152
20. AITJ For Letting My Ex Text Me About Our Shared Pet Pigeon?
“My (39m) partner (35f) and I have been together for one year. She lives over an hour away and we can only see each other on weekends (she doesn’t have a car or license & has to take the train, that’s another story). When we first began the relationship I made it clear to my ex that I still wanted to see our shared pigeon, for instance, having my ex drop the pigeon off for weekends or when she goes somewhere.
She was highly against it & understandably so, but she reluctantly agreed. I am empathetic to the fragility of the situation & try to handle it with care (my partner loves the pigeon btw).
Fast forward to recently, we were in our home, just doing home stuff when she told me we needed to talk.
Apparently, she went into my phone (I don’t know how) & discovered several messages from my ex (going back 6 months). The context of the messages was about an upcoming trip she was taking, whether I could watch the bird, an injury to the bird & a couple of cordial how are you doing/what’s new, etc. Nothing bad.
I try to be blunt with her. No nefarious activity to report.
She (my partner) took pictures of the messages & forced me to call my ex to tell her to stop texting me & that I can’t see the bird. She proceeded to yell into the phone as I’m trying to balance this.
Granted I never call my ex, just text. She then gave me an ultimatum, her or my ex, & threatened to leave. I do empathize with her & understand her position, but I feel she overstepped here. I would not have done the same if positions were swapped. Then she texted her with a brief “stop texting, keep to yourself, move on”, etc.
Anyway, the situation has obviously created some tension. Her culture is “no contact with your ex, whatsoever” + she has been burned in the past by an ex leaving her for his ex. With that in mind, I’m being extremely delicate & giving her leeway. But I feel like I’m walking on ice & constantly “guilty” for stupid irrelevant things.
It’s toxic but I’m trying to give her some space to work through it. We all have insecurities we have to deal with. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, but only because you’re allowing your partner to control you. It’s unusual, but you and your ex share custody of a pigeon.
Just like a kid, you need to communicate about the care of that pet. Major, major red flags that she’s allowing her past trauma to influence her current relationship so much so that she’s already invaded your privacy to prove NOTHING has happened. She gave you an ultimatum.
She’s telling you who she is, and I doubt this will be the last time she tries this.” NotCreativeAtAll16
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Speaking as a woman who is engaged to a man who has kids with his ex, the bird is like your kid.
My fiance hates his ex, but he has to deal with her for his kids. I don’t know if it’s the same for you, but most don’t like their ex. Your bird is the connection to your ex, and I don’t believe you’d be in contact with her still if you didn’t have the bird (from what I’m reading).
She needs to understand that from your side because you’ve been very understanding from her side.” Defiant-Orchid1425
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s apologizing because she doesn’t want you to end the relationship. That doesn’t mean she will change. She isn’t and doesn’t have to. This is how she acts now, imagine as your relationship progresses how she’ll feel about female friends and co-workers.
Worse when you’re married. She has serious insecurities that she needs to deal with. But, if you’re okay with never having other female associates and friends, stay with her. Don’t even look at another woman while you’re together.” Mother-Sound-1390
19. AITJ For Backing Out Of Babysitting My Friends' Kids Due To Being Sick?
“My best friend and his wife asked my wife and me to watch their 4-year-old twins for an entire weekend while they went to his cousin’s wedding out of state where he was best man. 36 hours before they were to leave I had extremely severe cold symptoms and unfortunately backed out.
My friend’s kids are 4 and have been hospitalized twice in the last year including being on life support one of the times. I felt uncomfortable risking getting them sick as well as being extremely weak and worried about my own health. The kids need lots of hands-on attention.
My wife had a work project she needed to do or she’d miss a promotion the Monday after so couldn’t watch the twins by herself.
They said the kids would be fine but I was still worried and I still refused because of how sick I felt.
I felt bad and gave them $250 towards hiring a sitter. They felt I should not have backed out no matter how sick because they spent a lot of money on the flights and hotel etc. They also thought I should cover the entire cost of the new sitters ($500) since I backed out last minute.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You didn’t even need to give them the money. You were sick. It’s not like you just changed your mind. Yeah, it sucks. But expecting you to pay them $500 for someone to watch their own kids is a jerk move.
It was generous of you to give them $250 to help with a sitter. Question though, were they going to pay you to watch their kids or were you going to do it for free?” velvettea
Another User Comments:
“Oh my goodness, what the heck?!?!?! NTJ – 1st off it was considerate of you to not watch the kids while you were sick and not be around anyone – and THAT was before you mentioned the kids’ health issues!
You were kind enough to give them $250 toward hiring a sitter – that was not your burden or responsibility but it was very generous of you to do. They are MAD at you? Think that you should have watched them anyway while you were sick?
Think you should give them MORE money because it cost them more?! They are HORRIBLE parents!! They care more about going to a wedding than their children’s fragile health, their supposed “BEST FRIEND’S” health and well-being, and feel entitled to MORE money?!?! Yeah, these people suck as parents and as friends.
Were they going to pay you for watching the kids? No? Didn’t think so. They were using you. I can’t get over that they weren’t concerned about their kids being exposed to your illness – especially considering they’d been hospitalized TWICE in the last year.
What the heck? Selfish, crappy parents and not good friends at all.” 1moreKnife2theheart
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you don’t owe them anything, you got sick and you would have to live with yourself if something happened to the kids so you made the correct decision.
Frankly, I wouldn’t give them a single cent cause the kids are their responsibility, not yours and do not EVER AGAIN AGREE TO BABYSIT for these entitled jerks.” Organic_Start_420
18. AITJ For Getting A Friend Suspended For Joking About My Mental Health?
“I 15f have been struggling with my mental health for quite a while now, I am quite an open person with my friends and will often spill my heart out to my friends.
I met this guy 15m, who I’ll call Cas, 3 years ago, we were friends and I often vented to him and told him all my struggles.
Now Cas has never really been a serious person and often jokes about mental health issues even if he doesn’t struggle with them.
Last week I heard that he was discussing my mental health with people I’m not particularly close with, instead of going straight to him I decided to tell my year co-ordinator, and she said that she would pull him aside and discuss it with him.
After chatting with our year coordinator he decided he was going to tell everyone I snitched on him for no reason, mind you multiple people reported him for joking about mental health, and my name was never mentioned when he was pulled aside.
A few days later he muttered “snitched” to me and I turned around and yelled at him, I called him a couple of names that weren’t ok and when I discussed this with my year coordinator I made sure to tell her about what I had said and that I know it wasn’t ok.
My friends had also revealed other stuff that he had done like telling people that I am autistic without my permission. Now I discuss my being autistic quite openly and my mental health struggles are also quite obvious, but that doesn’t give him the right to discuss it without my permission.
My year coordinator pulled him out of class and called his dad to have a discussion about his mental health and talking about others. He was told that he wasn’t suspended and when I got home that day he messaged me saying that I had ruined his life and that I should deal with my own issues and not involve him.
I took a photo of the message not even replying and blocked him, then I sent it to my year coordinator and she suspended him immediately.
My intent was never to get him suspended, just to get him to stop joking about my mental health, but he got suspended and apparently now has to move schools.
I feel like If I had just ignored him instead of reporting him this wouldn’t have happened, however, my mental health is quite personal and I don’t like people talking about it.
I don’t know what to do AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. He shouldn’t have responded to you after being talked to by the coordinator. However, you also told him personal stuff about yourself. Whether you are 15 or an adult, please know that once you tell someone about your issues, you can’t stop them from talking about it UNLESS the other person is your lawyer or your doctor or otherwise has a responsibility to keep your confidence.
People gossip a lot. It is usually part of human nature. If you don’t want someone talking about your private business, don’t tell them. He shouldn’t have talked to you afterward and instead just assumed that the friendship was over. His actions were wrong as he betrayed your trust, but, unless he did anything else besides what you stated, his behavior didn’t deserve his being suspended. You should have just ended your friendship.
Hopefully, he might learn to be more careful and not gossip. As for you, people will keep on talking about you and now this new episode will be added to the gossip. You can’t stop people from talking. Just be careful who you confide in.” Full_Cryptographer12
Another User Comments:
“YTJ/ESH. If you don’t want your business being discussed then be more selective of who you share it with and stop casually using every “friend” as your personal therapist and trauma dumping on them. If you acknowledge mental health is quite personal and you don’t like people talking about it then it is completely nonsensical that you keep blabbing about it to numerous people.” GhostParty21
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ at all. He’s suspended for bullying, which he did all on his own. There’s no need for you to victim-blame. This is, however, a valuable lesson as you approach adulthood to be careful what you share, and with whom.
One of my tendencies as someone with chronic depression is to overshare with too many people. If that’s the case for you, it’s good you discover that tendency now and work on it instead of it continuing through your life.” 1ChanceFancie
17. AITJ For Refusing To Spend The Holidays With My Partner's Difficult Mom?
“I (24) and my partner (26) have been together for four years.
My partner’s mom is really difficult. She insists that everything be done her way and doesn’t accept other people’s opinions or plans. Even if you say no multiple times, she will do her own.
The point of the story is that his parents are celebrating their birthdays at the end of the year, and my partner planned a trip to another country. I told him from the beginning that I didn’t want to participate because I want to spend Christmas with my family.
However, I offered to compromise by joining them for three days for his mom’s birthday. He wasn’t happy but reluctantly agreed, although he expressed concerns about explaining it to his mom.
After more discussions, we decided I wouldn’t participate, so I made preliminary plans with my friends for New Year’s Eve, knowing I would be alone.
Now, they’ve changed their plans, deciding to stay in our hometown for Christmas, so my partner believes there’s no reason I can’t join him and his parents.
I told my partner about my plans with my friends, which made him even more upset.
I tried to compromise again, suggesting we organize the trip right after Christmas, celebrate his mom’s birthday with his family, and then I would leave to join my friends for New Year’s Eve. This didn’t make him happy either. He said that while it’s fine if I care about it so much, his parents won’t like it and will make comments, possibly ruining the trip and forcing him to make new plans again because of me.
I can see that my partner is really hurt by my stance, but I feel like if I don’t stand up for myself and what I want, our whole life will be overshadowed by his mom, dictating what we do. I fear he will always say, “You know how she is, nobody can do anything about that.” I feel frustrated because I clearly expressed my feelings about the trip and my relationship with his mom from the start.
I told him I don’t appreciate her behavior anymore and want him to stand up more. We are both very sensitive and easily manipulated, but I’m working on this in therapy. However, it doesn’t seem to help when it comes to his mom.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Here’s some advice from a 40-year-old woman who’s been married to a “boy mom” son for 20 years. Do not cave. She will get over it. You are seeing her son, not her. If your partner loves you, he will understand.
I’m happy you expressed yourself to him honestly. That’s more than I could do and I was under my MIL’s thumb for longer than I care to admit. Stand. Your. Ground. You’re right on this. NTJ.” sick_and_tiired
Another User Comments:
“Seems pretty straightforward for you–carry on with your plan and steer around any drama your in-laws might want to kick up.
Doesn’t sound like she’s going to change from being a harridan but neither of you has to let it affect your plans. It’s ominous, though, that your partner’s default is to argue with you until you agree to do whatever Mom wants, even though you say he’s in therapy and actually this is a good time for him to practice some fortitude.
Maybe it has to be now or never because, when you’re being completely reasonable, he’s got to show that he’s not going to keep caving in. If he doesn’t, he’s gonna flake on everything and your MIL will be demanding all kinds of things on your wedding, future holidays, kids, etc.” skaev0la
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, Be proud of yourself! You know when someone says, “You know how she is” they are asking you to excuse someone else’s bad behavior. In that same ask, they are asking you to continue to not only excuse it but also tolerate it.
They are asking you to put aside your feelings and comfort, they are also disrespecting your right to choose who you associate with. Those are very big asks. What your partner doesn’t seem to understand is that he is not responsible for managing his mother’s feelings.
If he doesn’t have the courage to tell the truth, you don’t enjoy being in her company because MIL is so dang picky and bossy, or whatever he needs to say, then that is his problem to figure out. Good luck!” ConfusedAt63
16. AITJ For Wanting To Move To Alabama With My Secret Partner, Leaving My Controlling Family Behind?
“I (F19) have been seeing my partner for 3 years now in secret. I didn’t want it to be that way but my mom is very controlling and not supportive of any of my decisions if it’s not something that she has planned out for me.
Whether it’s friends or even the career I want to have for myself. Don’t even get me started about how she feels about being in a relationship before college.. she is just a very judgmental person and will not hold back from saying something nasty about people she doesn’t even know.
So a couple of weeks ago I learned that my partner’s parents are gonna sell their house and are planning to move to Alabama. It’s either he stays here, I go with him, or we break up. He has contemplated staying here so it’s not just all on me.
It’s just that living up there is much cheaper compared to where we are and he doesn’t have a solid enough job to afford housing here. Neither do I with the job I have, so we’d really be struggling if we tried to get an apartment together.
His parents adore me and told me I am more than welcome to come so I am not concerned about that at all. It’s just my parents that are the issue.
I know if I talked to my mom about it or my dad they’d immediately shut me down and tell me no and that I’m out of my mind.
My mom would go as far as to try and physically stop me to be honest. I am of age so nothing would occur but I wouldn’t put it past her to try and call the police. So, I’m thinking about getting everything together, leaving, and just telling them through text.
I just can’t deal with all of their emotions. However, I do feel like that may come off as cruel and I’m worried that this is genuinely gonna break her heart and the rest of my family. I just know this is not something I can talk about in person because I won’t be able to get a word in.
I love this guy very much and in the three years we have been together he has always protected me and has taken care of me. He’s been kinder to me than my family has ever been. I’m just very nervous about how this is all gonna go because she isn’t even aware that we’ve been seeing each other all these years.
When she first found out she told me to cut him off, that was the only choice I had if I wanted to keep seeing him. So I can only imagine how she’d react when I tell her I’m just moving away.
My family has had a lot of financial issues and we have been living in a hotel for 4 years now unfortunately.
I just am worried that it’s gonna come off as I’m abandoning them in all that mess. However being there has done horrible damage to my mental health and I feel so suffocated, depressed, and easily set off because of being in a room with 4 other people for years.
I can’t even have my own space or anything because that’s just not possible. Do you think this is a good way to handle things?
I forgot to mention that I have around 10k saved so far and they plan on selling the house sometime in September if not later.
My mom has these high expectations to be a doctor but honestly, I just want to go to trade school and work in a hair salon. Something she’s not afraid to tell me is mediocre at best and how disappointed she’d be. I just don’t know what to do because I see how my brother is literally 25, not allowed to have a partner, and is still guilt-tripped into living at home.
I can only imagine what life would be for me if I stayed here.”
Another User Comments:
“You are in a high-control situation. You will not be able to discuss it with your mother rationally in advance because of how she approaches her life. This level of control is abusive in my mind, so the advice will match leaving abusive domestic partners.
Don’t change anything in your day-to-day interactions with your family, but quietly make your arrangements, then go. The most dangerous time is when they think you’re leaving. That said, a man is not a plan. I understand that you want to be with him anyway, but when things settle down just a bit in your new life, take steps to assure your own financial security so that he does not have control over you or your movements.
Make sure that you are with him because you both want to be together and because it’s what’s best for you both, not because you’re trapped in a different situation. Take steps towards always having your own resources. Once you are clear, you could send a note to tell them that you are okay and not to worry.
Then go no contact for several years at a minimum. You will need to monitor your own situation for quite some time to come. People who grow up experiencing the situation will often gravitate back towards similar situations because that’s where their coping skills are.
Focus on advocating for yourself and make sure all your future relationships are healthy and happy. Best of luck. NTJ.” Competitive_Cod_3843
Another User Comments:
“You are a grown woman at this point and able to make your own decisions. Follow the advice the previous reader gave.
Secure YOURSELF financially, go to school, get your degree or a solid and productive trade certificate, and live your life! You have a great opportunity to build a life with someone you love, but my advice woman to woman is to secure your financial future and don’t become dependent on anyone for your wellbeing.
Find your joy and create your own path. Your family’s situation is not your responsibility to solve. But the life you make for yourself is. Good luck!” WaterNoGetEnemy4
Another User Comments:
“There is so much to unpack here, but first and foremost, it is not your responsibility to rescue your parents from their life.
Leaving “home” is a natural progression as you mature, and preparing you for that life is literally the one job we as parents have. Seems like yours are not living up to the metric. It is not your responsibility to allow your mother to live vicariously through you.
She had her chance, in her youth. If she regrets her choices, that’s a her problem. You are not her opportunity for a do-over. Based on your description here, and the fact you are a legal adult, NTJ. I would add a call to your local PD, nonemergency line, as you’re pulling out of town, and inform them your parents are going to probably try to report you as a missing person, but that you are not.
And get yourself some therapy, so you can begin to heal because your parents have done a number on you. A text may also be too impersonal, so I would go with a letter, but I’m also old, so….LOL. Best of luck OP.” Primary_Valuable5607
15. AITJ For Calling Out My Sister's Unprofessional Behavior In Our Work Group Chat?
“My (23F) sister (32F) and I work at the same small business.
Every week, our boss asks us what days we can work and plans accordingly. I’ve been there since they opened two years ago (I was their first employee) and my sister started a few months back. How it’s always worked is our boss asks in the group chat what days and shifts we can work and we all each respond in a single text what days and shifts we can work.
I can only work the evening shifts as I have classes in the morning and my sister knows this and it’s never been a problem.
This week when my boss asked what shifts we can do, my sister kept jumping in and saying what shifts I can work.
Every time I would say “no, I can only work evenings” she kept insisting I be put on for hours before the morning shift started. I told her to stop and that this was unprofessional and that if she had an issue with me to take it out of the work chat.
Nobody makes jokes in the work chat. Outside of it, we are friends but in the chat, we remain professional to ensure everything goes smoothly. Now she’s getting after me for “making a scene” and that she’s “sorry you’re cranky” because it was “funny”. She knows my boss has gotten schedules confused even when it was straightforward and this could really mess with the process.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she’s being unprofessional, you don’t ‘joke’ in a work chat about schedules….no one knows what’s a joke and what’s not, too hard to decipher and could lead to problems. Joke about other things in a sub-group chat or whatever with your co-workers..not the boss and not about scheduling.” Canadian_01
Another User Comments:
“OP, NTJ. If you have a good rapport with your boss, since you have been there the longest, have a private conversation with them about this situation. Your sister can either start being professional or start looking for another job. Do not let her sabotage you, she wouldn’t do this to the other employees, she shouldn’t do it to you.” Chance-Cod-2894
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Have a conversation with your boss where you reiterate your commitment to acting professionally at work and state that you do not speak for your sister and your sister does not speak for you. Emphasize that anything involving you or your schedule needs to be discussed directly with you.
Tell your boss that you asked her to stop. You need to remove the fact that she’s your sister from the equation and deal with this as an issue with a fellow coworker. You tried to address the issue with your coworker, a resolution could not be reached, and now you need to escalate to your superior so they can deal with it.
The issue here is that your sister is already sabotaging your job. Some managers really don’t like dealing with the petty nonsense people bring in from their personal lives and would opt to just let both you and your sister go, rather than trying to find a resolution or keep one of you.” zzzzarf
14. AITJ For Dyeing My Daughter's Hair Blue And Pink?
“Today I (f35) dyed my daughter’s (f6) hair blue and pink. She had a friend go blue and asked my ex and me.
We discussed it and agreed it would be ok if we used safe dye. We used a semi-permanent dye that will wash out in roughly a month, that was free of chemicals. It actually is used to make hair healthy. My daughter loves her new look.
She looks so cute in the colorful style. We FaceTimed her dad right away and he also loves it.
The problem is my mother. We called her next and she cringed and started crying. She said her hair was perfect before and I better hope this washes out.
I had to end the call and make sure my daughter’s joy was not affected. My mother has since told me, through my sister I am ruining her future and will cause her to engage in a lifestyle that will end in bad habits and tattoos.
I think it’s a cute expression from an excellent little girl but AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Pretty sure she just thinks that your daughter is going to become one of those “crazy liberals” who dye their hair blue and do what she describes. The reality of the situation is your daughter is just expressing herself and having fun.
I dyed my hair black when I was in middle school, kids like doing stuff like that.” throwaway19372057
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think you know who the jerk is here but you don’t want to call your mother out. Also, I can tell you from experience that when family members channel comments through another family member, that’s just going to keep getting worse.
Consider calling your mother and asking her to at least communicate directly with you when she has something to say to you. Second, I’d make it clear that you support your daughter’s decision and that you expect her to not let your daughter think that your mother supports it any less.
That kind of manipulation and control needs to be nipped in the bud before it blossoms into full-blown dysfunction.” ArgentConfessions
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s hair. It’s not going to turn your kid into a life of crime. We’ve dyed our little one’s hair a few times.
She is 7 and just had purple in it, it’s washed out now. She is still a sweet, loving little girl. I’ve currently got lavender hair but have had almost every color you could imagine. I have tattoos. I have been like this since I was 15/16.
I work for a psychologist at a medical center. I have a good life and a good stable job. Your mum’s worries are very old-fashioned. The world is changing.” CrabbiestAsp
13. AITJ For Using My Desire To Be More Active As Motivation To Lose Weight?
“I’ve been struggling with my weight for a while and have tried dieting on and off, but have never been motivated to stick to it.
Lately, my spouse and I have moved back to my hometown and I have had access to amazing medical care, all my friends, and some nostalgic places. With all of this, and access to medications for my autoimmune disorders, I have been feeling better than ever and more motivated to finally cut junk from my diet and start exercising more.
This has never gone well in the past, but I’ve actually gotten to the point where I don’t crave junk food anymore and refuse to buy it, and have even already lost 10 lbs. I’m so happy to have gotten past the initial hurdle when it comes to eating more wholesome foods.
However, my spouse asked why I was dieting again. I laughed nervously and told them, honestly, I just really wanted to be able to fit into the rides at the theme park. They seemed horrified for some reason and told me that it was an extremely unhealthy reason to want to lose weight.
I got upset and told them that it wasn’t just that. I wanted to be more active and social overall.
I told them I was tired of leaning on my chronic pain and fatigue and not being able to enjoy physical activities with my dearest friends.
During the eclipse, I had to miss out on an amazing hike and my spouse and I stayed behind. They told me that I shouldn’t want to lose weight like that because it wouldn’t make me any less disabled and I was delusional for thinking I would get better and falling into a societal beauty standards trap.
I was making an unhealthy choice.
They also told me that I was incredibly preachy whenever I started dieting. I’m not trying to be. Nutrition science just happens to be something that absolutely fascinates me and I LOVE researching and talking about it. I could do it for hours.
And spill all of my opinions on the food industry and nutrition and whatnot. I just find it very fulfilling. I had no idea that I was being preachy. However, my feelings were hurt at that point. And I do admit that I told them that in probably a less than sensitive way.
I said that just because they are insecure about their own disabilities, they shouldn’t project onto me and drag me down with them. That I don’t have to eat the same junk they do and I am allowed to make my own choices as to what to do about MY body.
I apologized for sounding preachy, and explained what I did above. But that I would not be sorry for using whatever made me happy to stay motivated and to have the hope that losing some weight will help at least a little with my disabilities.
So was I a total jerk about all of this? I’m really frustrated and wondering if they were right about my motivations being for the wrong reasons. And also wondering if I went too far in what I said, or if I was at least a little justified.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you’re being sabotaged, and it happened to me. Significant others do this to each other when they are scared you’ll leave them once you become confident. Don’t die young because your partner wants you unhealthy and housebound. You WILL be “less disabled” in that any healthy changes you make will help your overall health or lessen symptoms of other conditions.
This is the point where couples counseling has to occur, and if it doesn’t change the situation, you need to leave and save yourself.” Fear_The_Rabbit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for dieting, exercising, and working to improve your health. But – there is little as boring as someone who talks about themselves and their diet all the time.
You say you LOVE talking about it and can do it for hours…time to stop doing that. Your diet is for YOU – you don’t need a cheering squad and while you are complaining your spouse is not supportive….you seem to be over-explaining your diet/new lifestyle/feelings, etc. You don’t need a bunch of ‘motivations’ – you only need the desire to feel better, look better, ability to move better.
Good luck, keep going but don’t make your diet your main source of conversation.” omeomi24
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – and I do believe you are in a toxic relationship. You are being sabotaged. Get counseling or get out. Good partners support each other. When I was super strict on my diet and really doing well losing weight my husband would go out of his way to avoid eating junk food around me or in the house (I once caught him parked in the driveway eating some McD because he didn’t want to temp me and he aired out the car afterward).
He always asks what he can do to help me stick to my plan, asks what snacks are allowed on my diet, etc. So if I say “I want something but I don’t know what” he just buys one of each of the allowed snacks.” Draconian_wupas
12. AITJ For Not Accommodating My Parents' Thanksgiving Visit Plans?
“My parents want to come visit for a long stay. I am 31, married with three kids. They are a 12-hour drive away and plan to drive to where we live and will rent an Airbnb for 9 days. In May my mom said she wanted to either visit Thanksgiving week because my dad has time off, or in October since the leaves will be changing and it’s also around my birthday.
I told her twice that we weren’t hosting Thanksgiving at our house, and that October would work better for us, once over message and once in person. I feel bad that we can’t really invite the rest of my siblings, and we just moved into our house this January and I really just don’t feel up for doing the whole dinner, etc. We have three small children.
Today my mom writes that she’s going to make reservations to come visit for Thanksgiving week and wanted to know if she could make the reservation. I said that Thanksgiving week didn’t work for us, and what about the week after Thanksgiving, or the week before, since part of why they want to visit that week was my dad has three days off surrounding Thanksgiving.
She didn’t like that option because they don’t want to drive during holiday travel days.
She said that they would just come Thanksgiving anyways, and just stay at their Airbnb or eat out for Thanksgiving so we don’t have to spend Thanksgiving with them, and asked if we were free the rest of the days Thanksgiving week.
That sounded like a terrible idea to me, I would feel bad going somewhere for Thanksgiving while my parents are visiting, but don’t want to be pressured into changing our plans because she won’t budge on when they are going to be visiting. We were planning to go to my sister-in-law’s house for Thanksgiving, and it would be really stressful to try and have them tag along.
I’m also not comfortable inviting them to my sister-in-law’s house or trying to secure an invite. They have a large family, and it’s already really generous that they invited us over in the first place, since technically we’re not related except through sharing in-laws.
We don’t have any other family in the area besides my wife’s sister.
I suggested to my mom that if visiting was cost prohibitive (she kept saying that they wanted to use the days my dad had off for the visit), to maybe plan on a shorter visit another time besides Thanksgiving.
At that point, she said that they won’t be visiting at all. She said clearly we are too busy for them and don’t want to see them. She said her aunt had told her this would happen if her children moved away, that we would become too busy and have no time for her.
My mom has a history of manipulative behavior, and this feels like that.
I can understand wanting to save money and use holiday time off for a road trip, but given that we had discussed several other options before and have been clear that we weren’t planning to host people for Thanksgiving, our boundary isn’t being respected. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“”Mom, I do not appreciate your accusation that we don’t want to see you. I was very clear on which weeks would work for us and which ones wouldn’t. Just because you are too busy and are unable to make arrangements to come at a time when we are available, that doesn’t mean that you are unwelcome.
So, again, we are available in October on (dates). Let me know if you want to come then.” NTJ. But you would be if you attempted to invite them to ‘tag along’ to someone else’s Thanksgiving dinner. The very fact that you felt the need to explain to a bunch of internet strangers why you didn’t think it was a good idea suggests that your mother’s manipulation of you has been quite effective over the years… When you have told someone that you are unable to host them, and they insist on coming anyway, you do not reward that behavior by changing your plans to try to include them.
At that point, the appropriate response is, “Oh, what a shame that you’ll be so close when we are unavailable. Do let us know the next time you’ll be in the area so we can make plans to see you.”” DinaFelice
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your mom is mad that she’s not getting her way. You told her what worked for you and she doesn’t like it. Good on you for holding firm and for not trying to secure an invitation to your own celebration with other family.
You know if she had come she’d be mad you didn’t take time. So just don’t apologize or feed the monster. Just text back, “I think canceling is the best option. Let us know if you make a shorter stay some other time.
Perhaps x (x being a slower time for your family). Love to all.”” disney_nerd_mom
Another User Comments:
“You gave them several different options which she shot down. This is not on you. They can come and rent an Airbnb, but you’ve made it clear you won’t be available to visit.
So your boundary here is to STICK TO IT. Otherwise, you’re falling for the manipulation she’s using on you. It’s hard to do this when you’ve been conditioned your whole life to acquiesce to whatever she wants. You want to hold your boundaries?
Then HOLD THEM and don’t see them for longer than you said you were available. You also do not have to tell/share with anyone else that your parents are in town. NTJ, but you will be if you let her manipulate you again.” CalicoHippo
11. AITJ For Refusing To Be Maid Of Honour Due To Financial And Social Anxiety Concerns?
“I don’t like that drama that a big wedding involves. Also, I’m introverted and I find big weddings where I have to do traditional stuff like the first dance, fake bride, speech, lots of pictures, and fake laugh very stressful. Also, I don’t sleep on money and a wedding for 200 people is too much for me.
For the bridal party, the bride wants a house with a pool and says that she will pay for everything but I know her, and if I don’t pay I will be forever considered as cheap. I am not cheap. I don’t have the money and I’m not willing to give my life savings for an overexaggerated fancy party.
Just to be a normal guest is a lot because I have to give her at least 200 euros for myself.
Anyway, I explained all my reasons to her why I don’t want to be her maid of honor but now she won’t speak to me.
She is mad and she talks negatively about me and about what I said to her. Everybody is calling me the jerk because she doesn’t have friends and she does not know who to ask to be her maid of honor. I lost a friend but I guess she wasn’t that good of a friend if she doesn’t respect my feelings and my finances.
I don’t have a permanent job, I have to buy a house and a car. I think that I’m not unreasonable to refuse that role. Unfortunately, now I won’t even be a guest. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Nobody owes this to anybody.
If you are BFFs and she was your MOH, then maybe she should expect you to return the favor, but not even that if she wants 10X the wedding that you had. It’s apparent you have vastly different tastes in weddings, so it’s 100% OK for you not to collaborate on this facet of your lives.
It’s not really a reason to ditch a friend, but that’s her choice I guess. PS As an introvert, not sure why you even want to be a guest at a big wedding with lots of fake speeches and traditional nonsense.” 1962Michael
Another User Comments:
“She wants a wedding planner who pays HER for the privilege. That’s what’s become of being in a bridal party – full-on wedding planning, and then shelling out for a gigantic multi-day out-of-town bachelorette, then clothes and shoes and hair and nails and makeup and all the other garbage.
If I were young in today’s wedding climate, there is no way I’d be a MOH or even a bridesmaid. I did both back in the 80s and in about 2005 and it was cheap and fun. I provided moral support and helped with setup and takedown the day before and the day of, went dress shopping with the bride, and the bachelorette was renting a limo and hitting some bars for a couple of hours.
Someone needs to take a firehose to these Psycho Brides who expect all their friends to spend thousands on their Ego Party. NTJ and anyone who gives you crap is not your friend.” Thelibraryvixen
Another User Comments:
“I am going to go with NTJ. I respect you for being honest with her about your situation.
I can understand if she is hurt but it seems like a compromise could have been made where you had a limit on what you can spend and she still had a maid of honor. However, after her response that ship has sailed. It is too bad if she ends the friendship over this but if she does, she was not a great friend to begin with.
And you don’t have to spend 200 euros on a gift.” hikergirl26
10. AITJ For Refusing To Take In A Family Member With A Criminal Past Into Our New Home?
“My partner and I have just taken over a family property that was given to us at a time of need (our previous home was unsafe and attempts to find another were fruitless).
We were flabbergasted and extremely grateful.
Shortly after we moved in, three of our family members were evicted, including the person who gave us the property. We immediately offered that one person a place to stay, but they refused and instead asked us to take in their adult child.
This adult child has a criminal past which includes things I am not permitted to post here, but suffice it to say we have concerns. My partner has put his foot down and said no and that this is not what we signed up for, stating that we would’ve stayed where we were if we’d known, safety concerns be darned, and found our own place some other way.
Cue angry family members claiming he is being selfish and that he should do what was done for him and give up space. But he’s right. This isn’t what we signed up for. Our concerns are genuine, and there isn’t THAT much room, so we’d basically be sandwiched in with this person.
Also, the family member in question has made no attempt to reach out to discuss it with us, make their case, or even express interest that they want to live with us. We’re just hearing all of this through the g*******e, which is kind of weird to me.
If it was me, I’d want to make my case, assure people I wouldn’t be a problem, lay out my plan for getting back on my feet, etc.
I am hanging back and letting my partner hash it out as it’s their side of the family.
My partner seems to think this situation is pretty cut and dry and is sleeping soundly at night but I’m tortured and want to run away from the whole situation and live in a box. It was a long move across state lines with pets and two truckloads of things that aren’t even fully unpacked yet, so the idea of packing everything up again and moving somewhere else is soul-crushing, but so is the guilt.
My mom and my therapist say we’re in the right, but I don’t know how that could be when I feel this awful. Are we the jerks?”
Another User Comments:
“Is your husband’s name on the deed? If so, think about blocking them all. If the relative still holds the paperwork, then things could be difficult.
If you have a lease, read it carefully. In any event – change the locks. Since this has been a family home there may be many keys among the relatives. PS If a criminal is still on parole, call his officer and tell that person that you won’t have him.
In my state, the officer would help place him elsewhere. You don’t need to know the PO’s name. Parole is listed under government, and the receptionist will connect you with someone who should help. NTJ.” Swedishpunsch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have every right to feel safe in your home and if this family member with a criminal past makes you feel unsafe for any reason, you have the right to say ‘no’.
Even without the criminal past, you have the right to say who you’re willing to let stay in the house and who you’re not. You offered for one person to stay there and they refused. They then asked if you and your partner would let their son stay.
You and your partner said no and that’s it.” Efficient_Wheel_6333
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The house is yours (you have the deed) and you get to dictate who can and can’t stay there… or even visit. There’s nothing that can change that. The guy is not safe to be around you and I take it he’s not safe to be around kids.
Do the rest of the family know what his conviction is for? If not they they need to be informed… if they still think he’s safe, let them know that they are welcome to house him…. but won’t hear another peep out of them. I also find it interesting that the parent isn’t willing to house their child and want you to do it.
That’s speaking volumes…. they would rather turn down accommodation for their child even if it leaves them homeless… this is kinda saying to me that they would rather be homeless than in a situation that requires them to have their child with them. Hmmmmmm. Get some cameras for the property.” KitchenDismal9258
9. AITJ For Being Upset My Brother Used My Future Daughter's Name For His Child?
“I am only a teenager but my mother had my brother at 16 making him in his 30s. Ever since I was young I have always talked about naming my future daughter Scarlett, I don’t know why but I have always adored the name.
Every time the topic of babies, names, and children comes up I always say that my daughter will be called Scarlett, everyone in my family knows this.
Last week, my sister-in-law gave birth to a healthy baby girl, as you can probably guess, they named her Scarlett.
I was really upset at my brother as he knows that was my top name. I didn’t make a big deal about it I just left the room obviously upset. Scarlett isn’t a family name or anything and my brother has never mentioned liking the name, one time he said he wasn’t a fan.
I asked him why he would name his daughter that and he told me to stop overreacting and get over it and that I don’t own the name. I get that it doesn’t belong to me but just because I am a teenager doesn’t mean that I am not allowed to have plans for my future.”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know how to judge this post tbh. For everyone voting YTJ, I mean it’s true she won’t know if she’ll ever even have a baby or even a girl and she can’t just say “I want this name for my child and nobody else can use it.” But is it not strange for your sibling to name their child after like the one name you really want for your child after you’ve been very outspoken about it?
Sure, there are 10000s of other Scarletts, but there are thousands of other names, too? I mean, especially if based on OP’s replies that her brother even didn’t really like the name at first. There’s some info missing from this post that would give insight as to why he chose the name.
Anyway, I think how you handle it going forward determines whether or not you’re the jerk. It’s okay to feel upset and perhaps walking out of the room was the best decision at that moment, however, your brother can name his child whatever he wants.
Maybe you should talk to your brother to sort it all out. I’m gonna say no jerks here.” Immediate_Talk9347
Another User Comments:
“The more I think about this one I’m coming down to NTJ. Lots of stories on here that call a person who thinks someone “stole” their baby name a jerk, but usually they’re all of family-raising age.
First I’ve read about THIS scenario. It’s rather odd your brother and his wife picked THIS name out of supposedly thin air that someone half their age has been verbal about adoring. It could be simply as innocent as you bringing this up enough that it kind of planted the seed in their heads, or it was done with semi-malicious/careless intent because “she’s only 16, who cares”.
I think your feelings are 110% valid in this case. Your brother is kind of being the bigger jerk by getting mad and telling you to get over it. Regardless they kind of ripped the choice away from you. I’d certainly feel that way. Whether or not it’s “normal” for family to share names as other comments have suggested too is HIGHLY subjective.
In my family, shared names were either a sr or jr situation like my own name. Not a single cousin shares an even remotely close name. I think if that happened it certainly would be seen as odd.” devsfan1830
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for walking away when you’re upset honestly that was the mature option there.
You have every right to feel disappointed and sad. But probably not the best option to confront him about it. Judging by his reaction though he and his wife knew you would be hurt and still chose to do it. I’d just step back a bit at this point and disengage with them.
Yes, you don’t own the name but he and she both knew you loved that name and had it in mind for the future. Which simply tells me they ultimately do not feel a close enough bond with you. Note how they truly feel about you and move forward with grace.
I’d let him know you aren’t mad you are hurt but that this has put a dent in your relationship with the way he disregards your feelings and to not expect free babysitting from you. Or alternatively, just simply dive into being a loving aunt.
Don’t be angry though just simply resolve yourself to the fact that your brother does not consider your feelings and his wife as well. It sucks but when there’s a big age gap like that with siblings it happens.” blackcatvibes26
8. AITJ For Kicking Out My Roommate's Disrespectful Partner From Our Dorm?
“I’m a 19M college sophomore living in a dorm. My roommate, Jake (20M), has been seeing his partner, Emily (19F), for about six months. From the start, I knew we wouldn’t get along. Emily’s the type who treats everyone like they’re beneath her. She constantly talks down to me, belittles my interests, and makes snide remarks about how Jake should have a “better class” of friends.
I’ve tried to ignore it for the sake of peace, but it’s gotten to the point where it’s unbearable.
Emily practically lives in our dorm. She’s over every single day, which means I have zero privacy. She leaves her stuff everywhere, uses my things without asking, and even ate some of my food from the mini-fridge.
The final straw was last weekend. I had a critical paper due on Monday, and I needed some quiet to finish it. Jake and Emily decided it was a great time to blast music and have a mini-party in our room. When I asked them to turn it down, Emily laughed and said, “Maybe you should go to the library if you need quiet.
This is our space too.”
I snapped. I told Emily she needed to leave and that she wasn’t welcome in our dorm anymore. She got really upset and called me a jerk, saying I had no right to kick her out. Jake was upset too, and now he’s barely speaking to me.
Emily’s been telling everyone that I’m a controlling jerk who hates women, which is obviously not true.
I feel kind of bad because I didn’t handle it calmly, but I was at my breaking point. I pay for this dorm too, and I feel like I deserve some respect and privacy.
Jake argues that since he pays for his half, he should be able to have Emily over as much as he wants.
So, AITJ for asking my roommate’s partner to leave our dorm? Should I have handled it differently, or was I justified in setting boundaries in my own living space?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, this is only your dorm and Jake’s. Dorms are very small and having a third person living there rent-free is incredibly annoying and invasive. You shouldn’t have to feel uncomfortable in your own space. You could have addressed it privately with your roommate and asked for them to hang out outside of the dorm, but they should’ve been more considerate of you as well.” EconomyOwn9329
Another User Comments:
“You are entitled to use your area to study, that’s why you’re there. If they are creating an environment not conducive to that then she needs to go, why should part of your money be used to pay for a place for her to hang out?
Try to get moved or put your foot down. Her lying about you to get sympathy or to get you to change your mind is manipulation. NTJ.” The-empty-box
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you need to discuss this with Jake and try to find common ground.
If you can’t, then you need to try to move. In talking to Jake, I would emphasize you are not trying to dictate his life choices but when they affect you, then you guys have to try and find a compromise. For example, if he wants to have people in the room when you need to study, if he could let you know about it in advance, then you might be able to go to the library (obviously this is assuming he doesn’t have people over all the time).” Small-Jellyfish-2591
7. AITJ For Accepting A Job Offer 6 Hours Away Despite My Partner's Refusal To Move?
“I (late 30s F) had a job opportunity land in my lap. My partner (early 40s M) of 1 year thinks I’m the jerk for accepting it.
The situation: I enjoyed my current job until the beginning of the year. Management changed, lots of experienced staff left, promises have been broken, and there have been H&S issues that aren’t being taken seriously (one of which seriously impacted me to the point where I had to get therapy to deal with the aftermath).
I was unexpectedly offered a job in a city 6 hours drive from here – I hadn’t applied for it, the company contacted me directly based on my previous work. I initially turned it down, but they came back with a revised offer and clearly really want me.
The new job offered a short probation period, hybrid working, a 32% salary increase (& shares in the company), and the location means I can live right on the coast.
The new city is one that my partner and I had been talking about moving to in the future as we both love it.
I have friends living nearby, and I used to live in the area. When this job came up, it seemed like kismet.
However, my partner flatly refuses to move. His parents are elderly (not sick, just in their late 70s. They still live independently in their own home but have poor mobility) and he doesn’t want to move 6 hours drive away in case they need him.
He currently visits them every Sunday (45 mins drive away). I have come up with compromises (e.g. paying for someone to come in a couple of times a week, traveling with him to see them every third weekend, paying a larger chunk of bills if he would rather work a 4-day week, and traveling down more frequently to see them, paying bills if he wants to go back to uni to do a Master’s degree in the new city, moving his parents to the new city) and it’s a resounding no to everything.
He says he doesn’t have anything else keeping him in our current city, and he would be happy to move once his parents are gone.
He has asked me not to take the new job, and said that my current job ‘is not that bad’ so I should just stick it out and see if things improve.
We both acknowledge that his parents could be around for 5+ years.
My job is quite specialized, so it would be difficult for me to find another job in our current city. His job is much more generalized. AITJ for accepting the new job?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – you have different priorities and neither one of you is wrong. I can absolutely see his point of view because I and my husband moved back to my hometown because my grandparents are a similar age and I wanted to be near them.
His parents are in their late 70s. Assuming you’re in the US that means they’re both already over the average life expectancy. Living 6 hours away realistically how often are you likely to see them, every couple of months maybe at best? Realistically they could die in the next say 2 years which means a move to a new city would mean he would only ever see his parents around 12 more times, even if they live longer it’s still going to be a small amount for someone who is close to and loves their parents.
I can also see your side, you don’t know when exactly they’ll die it’s difficult to pass up such a good opportunity with no specific end date in sight for moving. I don’t envy your position but good luck!” Bn0503
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I feel like he’s being stubborn at this point if OP offered to move the parents into the city with them.
“He says he doesn’t have anything else keeping him in our current city, and he would be happy to move once his parents are gone.” I don’t get it, if his parents are the reason he is staying, then wouldn’t moving them be the best choice?
I say this in the scenario of if the parents are willing to move that is, because if they are willing then the argument is moot right? I would also ask if you two have considered just living separately and just visiting each other on weekends or something.” TinyPianoFairy
Another User Comments:
“I might be the minority, but a little bit YTJ. You said you’ve only been together a year. You’re totally in the right to take the job, but choices have consequences, and that might mean you’re now single. Yes, you gave options for the parents (paying for support, etc).
But are they really practical? Expecting a couple in their LATE 70s to upend their lives, move to a new community, leave their friends behind… even if you financially help them… that’s a huge ask. I wouldn’t be surprised if your SO (again, of only a year) feels like you are asking him to choose you over his aging parents, who he clearly has a very close relationship to.” FutureOdd2096
6. AITJ For Telling My Friend To Stop Talking About His Creole Culture?
“I (18M) have a friend ‘Adam’ (18M) who is very outspoken about his culture and ethnicity.
He is a Louisiana Creole who speaks French as a first language, and he is extremely proud of his culture especially since he claims it’s a dying ethnicity. The only problem is sometimes it gets overbearing.
He’s often making posts in French and the Louisiana Creole language, he’s always talking about his French ancestors, he listens to Creole music very very often, he talks to himself in French, he’s always talking about this history of Louisiana Creole and the colonization of Louisiana.
Like ok, we get it you’re Creole. I was starting to believe that he was obsessed with his culture, and thought lower of me for not being Creole since he spoke so highly and proudly of his ancestors. I’m Puerto Rican and I’m proud of my culture, but never to the extremity that he was.
He always taught us stuff about his culture and Louisiana when we didn’t ask for any of the knowledge.
Well, one day I kind of lost it. We were having dinner with some other friends, and he started talking about a certain creole dish.
I immediately stopped him and told him that nobody cared that he was Creole. I told him that everyone just thinks he’s a light-skinned black man, and to stop talking about his culture because it’s annoying. He was astonished and quiet for a minute then he responded with “Imagine if there were 10,000 Puerto Ricans left on this earth.
Let’s see how you’d feel about your culture.” He didn’t even finish his dinner after that. He stayed quiet for 5 minutes and then he got up and left. My other friends at the table told me that I didn’t have to say that and I was being a jerk.
I haven’t heard from Adam in a week and we used to talk every day.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You don’t like that he makes posts in French (which is his first language), don’t read them. Listening to Creole music doesn’t impact you at all.
Talking to himself in his own language is something we all do. Speaking highly and proudly of his ancestors doesn’t correlate to him believing he is better than you unless he outwardly says so. And so what if he teaches you about his culture? Maybe you should do the same and educate each other.
You were rude and immature, and frankly, you sound like you could learn more tolerance. I’m not surprised he isn’t speaking to you.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. He’s excited to learn and engage with his culture and probably feels some measure of responsibility to try and keep it alive by building interest in its existence.
You needed to be a grown-up and tell him politely, rather than publicly shaming him and telling him nobody cares. You don’t speak for everyone. You not caring doesn’t mean nobody cares. My friends talk at length on topics I genuinely couldn’t care less about, but I let them talk because part of friendship is accepting that you’re not always gonna share interests, but you share respect enough to let the other person be excited. And when they get too overwhelmed with their excitement, it’s not hard to take someone aside privately and say, ‘hey, I get you’re excited, but I don’t share that excitement and your need to constantly link everything back to that topic is overwhelming and is starting to make it difficult for me to maintain interest in that subject’.
You’ve made it clear you don’t care about a foundational part of his life. You’ve made it clear you don’t want him to talk about something important to him, or to be excited about his culture. You’ve publicly shamed him for being excited about his culture and heritage.
You’ve likely made him feel like you’re not someone he can talk to. Why would he bother trying to talk to you?” Scree_fox
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Plenty of people care and would find that interesting. I’m one of those people. A good friend of mine growing up was Creole, and I don’t care how long it’s been since I’ve heard Zydeco – it’s always welcome to me.
I’ll go back to those summer days eating frozen Kool-Aid and listening to Buckwheat Zydeco or Clifton Chenier any time. Jazz and zydeco are the soundtrack of resilience. You may not understand this but Adam was actually giving y’all a gift. He was inviting you to participate in something that’s a fundamental part of who he is, something that not everyone gets an inside glimpse into.
You’ve proven that’s not a gift you’ve earned or deserve. I’d be very surprised if you heard from Adam again.” Whiteroses7252012
5. AITJ For Feeding Crows In My Backyard And Annoying My Neighbors?
“There were a couple of crows in my suburban backyard.
I think they are funny. I started feeding them during my lunch breaks (work from home 3 days a week) about two months ago.
It took a few weeks, but they come by now when I’m outside. I may throw them a Triscuit, piece of bread, or bit of cheese or something when I’m outside.
They sometimes “dance” or argue with each other, which I find very amusing.
Anyway. A couple four or five of them hang out in my backyard pretty much all the time now. My neighbors commented, not especially friendly-like, about how loud they are in the early morning.
And one, Samantha, has recently taken to “knocking” on my backdoor when she gets hungry. My wife thinks I am insane and wants me to stop annoying the neighbors. My daughter thinks they are kind of cool but too loud.
AITJ for making friends with birds?
Should I stop?
(I have tried getting Samantha to talk, but she’s not really having it. She doesn’t like getting that close.)”
Another User Comments:
“I can’t really judge if you are the jerk or not, but I will give some advice. I also feed the crows in my garden, I love to watch them and interact.
However, I am very careful about how much I feed them so they don’t become too reliant. Make sure they can still get their own food elsewhere. The crows like to scream at 4-5 am here as well, but there are loads of different bird noises at that time and there is very little anyone can do about that.
Birds live and scream everywhere, but they will scream more if you are the one feeding them. I would also be cautious about them ‘knocking’ on your back door. I also had a crow that would do this, but then they started to cause damage to the door, pecking at it creating large dents, and breaking the handle by standing on it.
Be understanding of your neighbor. I don’t know where you live but in some places, you can get warned for feeding wildlife to the point of ‘disruption.’ But there is nothing wrong with feeding wildlife, they deserve food too, just be cautious and understanding.” JonahofJojo
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Feeding wild animals can have unforeseen consequences. With birds, this could result in them not making their normal migratory movements resulting in them dying in bad weather. Or failing to reproduce and/or care for their offspring. I have a neighbor who has been feeding ducks in the pond behind our home.
I walk my dogs every morning around that pond and neighborhood. Those ducks stay here, all year long. They never leave the pond. Now it’s two or three acres so not tiny, but guess what else I have found all over this pond? Broken eggs and no ducklings.
Why? Because there is nowhere safe around the pond to roost. Wild animals, raccoons most likely, get them the night after they’re laid. And it’s sad, the ducks have tried every spot they can. But they stay for the free food and sacrifice their offspring and migrations to do it.
So do not feed wild animals, it isn’t just a general safety concern, it’s more for them than us.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Nah, you’re not the jerk for making feathered friends. It’s kinda cool that you’ve formed a bond with these crows.
But, you’re kinda the jerk if you ignore your neighbors getting annoyed. Maybe cut back on the feeding a bit, especially early in the morning. And try to discourage Samantha from being a door knocker – she can wait for your lunch break like the rest of her crew.” hottie_amber
4. AITJ For Delaying My Travel To My Uncle's Funeral To Watch A Solar Eclipse?
“My uncle passed away on Thursday morning. The funeral is planned for Tuesday where my family lives, about 4 hours away. The problem is – where I’m at currently is in 100% totality for the solar eclipse on Monday, but it’s only about 80% where the location of the funeral is.
WIBTJ if I left Monday evening to get there late Monday night? Will obviously be there in plenty of time for the funeral on Tuesday, and planned on staying until Wednesday afternoon to see family. Other than maybe the possibility of seeing my cousin for dinner on Monday, I have no plans or involvement around arrangements or anything of the sort.
I’m torn because the solar eclipse is a once-in-a-lifetime thing to see in totality, but at the same time I kind of feel like a jerk for not being home a day early, even if I’m not really missing anything.”
Another User Comments:
“Take into account extra drive time – lots of people will flock to the path of the eclipse, and when it’s over, they will be cluttering up the roads and causing big traffic delays.
Don’t even mention the eclipse except as a traffic-causing nuisance. You “can’t get away” earlier, that’s all you need to say or explain. NTJ for wanting to see the eclipse. Your being at the funeral preliminaries any earlier won’t make your uncle any less deceased and you can be with family after.” YouthNAsia63
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and OP, I will say this – I traveled a normal 90-minute drive to the eclipse in 2017. It took 90 minutes as normal to get to the viewing site because everyone staggered in. It took 6 hours to get home. There was no way to pull over and go to the bathroom because traffic wasn’t moving.
So if you are planning on driving after, not only would I not tell anyone you purposely stayed for the eclipse but, stay after. Wait a few hours, then go. And when you do, have a full tank of gas that you got before the eclipse, snacks and water, and comfy clothes.
Don’t get caught in that mess. Wait it out.” nowaynohowanyway
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Please don’t beat yourself up. You’re getting there for services. You’re staying till Wednesday to see family. A person could have many reasons for planning your time with family the way you are.
Yours happens to be a rare event that you may never get to experience again. There’s no shame in that. As others have said, maybe don’t broadcast the reason, but honestly, I’ll bet you’re not the only one.” jofrot
3. AITJ For Refusing To Enable My Son's Laziness After His Mother Coddled Him For Years?
“My oldest kid is a good kid but kind of lazy. His mom has always protected him.
She has her reasons. Her first husband and child passed away about twenty-two years ago.
Two years after that we met, fell in love, got married, and had a kid. Unfortunately for me, our son’s birth was a catalyst for a regression for her. He could do no wrong.
If I tried to punish or even just correct him she would get upset and start crying or fighting with me. If he found something difficult and I wanted him to work through it or try harder she would step in and tell me to back off or actually just do it for him.
This led to our divorce because I wanted to be a father and not a spectator. She fought so I wouldn’t get custody. I ended up with visitation. My kid wouldn’t do anything though. He wouldn’t bring his homework over and all he wanted to do was play video games.
If I didn’t let him he had tantrums. It was exhausting. And she would always back him up. It was always my fault.
I remarried my wife Diane. We have two children and are doing our best to raise them right. My son stopped coming over when he was 14.
I still invite him but he rarely responds. My child support just stopped. His mom has been giving it to him to do whatever he wants for the last three years. Not my problem.
He called me to see if I could help him with money.
I asked what for. He said that his mom can’t give him the allowance he is used to. I asked if he was going to be attending some sort of post-secondary school. He said no. I told him to get a job.
His mom has lost her composure.
She said she will take me back to court so her poor baby can live his life his way. I wished for the odds to be ever in her favor and hung up. Now that he is an adult I never have to talk to her again.
It’s too bad because I loved her very much. Not anymore.
My son asked me to help him find a job. I said I would. I told him to send me his resume. I’ve been waiting three weeks for it. He called me yesterday to see if I had made any progress on finding him a job.
I said he never sent me his resume. He got upset that I hadn’t reminded him. It was one thing. I told him that I was not going to motivate him to do anything, that I would be here if he needed help but that it would never be money again.
I let him come over and helped him with a resume. I also talked to him about the trades or a community college. He is beginning to understand how messed up his future is now that his mom cannot do everything for him. He is upset with his mother now because he doesn’t have life skills.
She is mad at me for showing him the truth.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and good job on you for sticking up to raising your son to be a good person. I want to add a few things to think about though. 1. Make sure to tell him you are doing this in his interest and that you still do care deeply about him.
But that sometimes some life lessons are tough 2. Consider suggesting basic therapy to deal with what his mom did to him. It’s his choice to take it, but suggesting and supporting him if he chooses to comes a long way. 3. Don’t overwhelm him. If you push him too much now the progress he is doing right now is potentially breaking.
Make sure he feels rewarded by starting to become his own person. I know it’s a bit of an eggshells thing but he is at a very vulnerable state right now where he could easily regress.” Prussian-Pride
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am a 1/2 sister to a kid like this.
I am 21 years older than my little brother. My parents never married, I was born to teen parents. My father waited 21 years and married someone who just wanted a child and she did the same thing. She basically home-schooled him and gave him everything and now at 21 he has no friends/no job/no money.
She will not allow him and she gatekeeps him away from me and my dad for no reason except for control. I was 24 and offered to babysit but was told I was not able to as I had no clue what I was doing. My mother had 10 kids fyi and I babysat and pretty much raised them.
She just didn’t want to give up control. I married and my husband had 2 kids both around his age. Still told me I didn’t know what I was doing. He was 7 at this time. She and my dad divorced cause she didn’t want to allow any other type of parenting.
All he wants to do is play video games and eat pizza. My dad said his ex-wife had admitted to several times taking his online courses so he could graduate homeschooling. I feel for you here. All my dad’s ex-wife wanted was a child.
I found out later she had been married 3 times before my dad. He only knew about 1.” Mooshu1981
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m sorry you’ve been through this. It sounds like you tried to do what more parents should be doing: raise a responsible adult and not just a child.
I think you‘re doing the right thing by offering the kind of support that will help lift him up but also setting reasonable obligations, e.g. by offering to help him find a job but making it his responsibility to send you a resume.
I’m no psychologist, but I suspect your ex-wife has unprocessed grief. By showing your son the truth of how the world works, he might start to resent how sheltered he was. My spouse grew up pretty sheltered and wishes that his mum had pushed him out of his comfort zone more as a child.
I had to teach him a lot of basic adulting skills, including writing resumes. The good news is that if your son is willing to entertain a different perspective, he can come around. Unfortunately, his coming around might force his mum to confront the ways in which she failed as a parent.
And that’s gotta hurt a LOT. It sounds like she reacted to her grief by trying to preserve your son in a state of childlike innocence. If she was consumed by the desire to protect her precious little boy at all costs, and now she’s got to face the music that she actually hurt him, she’s liable to be devastated. That sucks, but it is her responsibility to work through, not yours, and not your son’s.
I think she needs therapy, but she has to be the one to make the move.” rhondistarr
2. AITJ For Leaving My Step-Sister's Wedding After Not Being Provided A Seat Or Food?
“I am a professional photographer. Mostly industrial photography for businesses and such. I do other types for myself and as art. I love taking pictures of the old architecture in my city and of the surprising wildlife in it.
My mom asked if I would be willing to take pictures for my stepsister’s wedding to help them save money. She asked me to do it as a gift. She knows that Tina dislikes me and I pretty much reciprocate. I decided to be the bigger person and agreed.
I was there for the makeup and the wedding party getting dressed, I took a ton of pictures at the wedding. I prepared a checklist of all the different formals she wanted and made sure I got them all. I did my absolute best.
When I got to the reception there was no place for me to sit.
I had gotten there right away so I could get pictures of the wedding party arriving and all that. The wedding party had stopped to use the bathroom and get freshened up.
I called my mom to find out where I was meant to sit and eat and stuff.
She talked to Tina and called me back. She was upset and I could tell. She said that Tina thought since I was working and not a guest she didn’t have to have a seat and food for me.
I thanked my mom for the information and left.
I took my partner who was my assistant that day and we went out for dinner my treat. We had been on the go for eight hours by then.
I turned off my phone. We had a nice night out and we saw the new Mad Max movie.
Sunday morning I turned on my phone. It was full of messages asking where I had gone. Then demanding I come take pictures. Then cursing me out.
I called my mom to see what was up. She said that Tina was very upset that I left and that all her reception pictures were going to be from cell phone cameras.
She said I should have just gone to get a quick bite at McDonald’s and then come back.
I told her that I felt terrible and would of course give a full refund. I also said that this was the last straw and that I did not want to hear anything when I did not invite Tina to my wedding next year.
Tina obviously thinks I’m a jerk and my mom thinks I should have kept the peace. I am just going to drop off a thumb drive with all the pictures and wash my hands of this. No editing. No nothing.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My partner does wedding photos.
I often come along as her helper. Even when we aren’t related to the bride and groom we always get fed. We are usually at a back table away from everyone which is fine since we have a big bag of stuff to keep away from kids.
Your step-sister is the jerk. She played a dumb game and got the prize she deserved. Your mom is a little as well. I know how much my partner charges for a wedding. You gave a very expensive gift to someone you do not like.
I did enjoy that you offered a full refund.” No_Lavishness_3206
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. At my own wedding, and those I have attended, the photographer (and any assistants) sat down and ate. I thought that was just common sense. You mentioned you do take professional pics of business and architecture.
Do you have a website? What are the odds of her (and various friends and family) leaving a bunch of negative reviews that may harm your business? I would hope that the bride wouldn’t be so petty, but, it just crossed my mind. (BTW, I love architecture pics!
People think I’m weird for that..lol.)” pinkflamingo-lj
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re doing an epic favor that you’d normally get paid well to do. You’re doing this for someone who doesn’t like you. Then you find out that they intentionally snubbed you. Even if the photographer didn’t have seating/food, the step-sister should have that.
It was intentional. You left after being snubbed. I would have done the same thing. If they scream, then you could just say “what’s it say in the contract?” (assuming there isn’t one) and that should end it.” kuken_i_fittan
NTJ for leaving at all. Smart move turning off your phone and not dealing with any fallout until the next day.
But in no way should you give those pictures to Tina. She doesn't deserve them after the total disrespect she showed you. It's obvious she doesn't give a flying jerk about you and your mother is just as bad for asking you to "keep the peace".
I absolutely hate when people use the excuse of "but it's FAAAAAAMILYYYY" to excuse terrible behavior. If you wouldn't accept it from a stranger, you shouldn't have to accept it from FAAAAAAMILYYYY because you should be able to expect better from them.
1. AITJ For Wanting My Husband To Stop Spending Hours In The Bathroom Playing Games?
“I’m 30 yo F married to a 37 yo man.
We’re currently expecting our first child together and I’m due in a few weeks. When we first started seeing each other, I noticed that my partner had to take a lot of bathroom trips and this was generally attributed to anxiety and combat-related IBS from his service in the army.
As we got closer and got engaged, I noticed the excessive bathroom trips subsided and almost went to “normal” after we got married.
We have some quirks in our marriage due to stress and a recent PTSD diagnosis so we’re in marriage and individual therapy which has been going great!
So we decided we’re ready to bring a child into the world.
He copes with his stress in very different and obsessive ways. Sometimes he plays video games excessively, sometimes he retreats to various hobbies, buys a lot of junk, and abandons that hobby to move to the next thing.
I do my own thing so it hasn’t really affected me until we both went on leave and I made the following observations.
His new obsession? Sitting in our bathroom playing a mobile game for hours. Every two hours for 30mins to an hour he is in the bathroom.
Sometimes to do his business and sit and relax he calls it, but mostly to play this new mobile game he is into.
Normally I wouldn’t care except I legitimately am also in the bathroom at least every 30 minutes to pee since I’m pregnant.
Except I take only 2 minutes max.
I jokingly bring it up but it’s a sensitive topic for him. I’m concerned when the baby comes will he also be retreating so much to the bathroom? Would I be the jerk if I brought this up to our marriage therapist?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – my partner and my partner’s son also do this. And it makes me so annoyed. Especially because my partner‘s son does it to get out of doing things he doesn’t want to do or go places that he doesn’t want to.
It’s avoidant and frustrating. I also play games on my phone, but I do it on my own time or when my partner is also on his phone. I don’t remove myself and go to the bathroom.” lilykaye
Another User Comments:
“I’m no expert at all whatsoever.
But I believe people (men mostly) spend so much time in the bathroom as an escape, kind of like when some of us stay in the car extra long after we park. It’s a safe space where we absolutely do not need to face anyone else, even the people we are closest to.
I wonder if you proposed that he could close the door to another room to have alone time as he needs? A spare bedroom perhaps, where he could have the privacy to himself? It’s also worth discussing how he will do with an infant at home, where you two will have to coordinate your own “escape” times.
You don’t want to be left alone with the child for a few hours every day when he feels like escaping if it’s not reciprocated – that would likely build resentment.” Useful_Fig_2876
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and this can give him hemorrhoids.
Bring it up at counseling, ask him to use his phone to play and have “me time” somewhere else in the house… you could have a room where you agree not to interrupt whoever is in there, or just communicate that you need me time – and that request will be honored and respected. It would also be really healthy if you made a rule of not bringing your phone into the restroom.” CurvyCandie69
