People Get Angsty About Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
18. AITJ For Not Telling My Partner About My Past Lip Filler?
“I (F31) have been going to an aesthetician since 2021 for biotin and vit b12 injections every month, and f****l rejuvenation treatment every 6 months. Last year, at my visit she told me they offer a new treatment “Russian lip filler” and told me a bit about it.
I have naturally thick, plump lips but was super curious what they would look like with filler. We discussed it and I was persuaded so I got 0.5ml fillers. It was very painful and didn’t make much difference.
So, I met B(M28) in Feb, we got on well but my mum was severely ill from March to Aug so we didn’t really speak or hang out.
We started talking again 2 months ago and we’re now seeing each other. Not official-official but going well.
When we met, B complimented my lips and asked if I had filler and I said “No, all-natural”. This was about 8 months after my treatment, so the filler had faded at this point.
Also, this was our opening conversation, so I didn’t feel it was necessary to share that I had had filler in the past.
Three nights ago I got an email for my 6 month appointment and messaged my aesthetician to reschedule. B is beside me and asks what I’m doing and I explain.
He’s asking about the cost and how often I get it done, then says that it’s a waste of money. He’s a financial advisor so I guess it’s his job to say things like this but I ask him to mind his business in a light-hearted way.
He’s still asking how many treatments I’ve had done and how much it has cost me in total. I’m annoyed but I scroll up to see what date I first messaged her and scroll past pictures of my lips swollen after having filler. He asked what they were and I explained I sent her a picture of my lips to ask if the swelling was normal.
B gets angry and demands to know why I lied to him. I’m confused and say I didn’t lie about anything. He started shouting that he specifically asked me if I had had filler and I straight up lied about it. I said I had only had filler once and it had been 8 months before I had even met him, the effects had already worn off and he didn’t ask me if I had EVER had filler.
He had asked if my lips looked like this because of filler, which they don’t because this is how they naturally look. He said it was a waste of money, I’m wasting money I should be spending on my kids by filling my lips with toxic stuff and then lying about it.
I asked him not to comment on how I spend my money.
He was so offended and angry. He said he couldn’t trust me cause if I lie about something small, I’d lie about something big just as easily. At this point I was stunned, didn’t know how to handle a grown man shouting at me and wasn’t even being heard cause he kept interrupting and huffing every time I spoke so I asked him to leave and he stormed out.
I texted him the following morning and he didn’t reply. It’s been 2 days now and no contact I assume he’s ended things. I’ve never seen him even raise his voice and I can’t stop thinking about it, I’m unsure if I’m right or wrong.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He sounds controlling and like he has some damage he needs to work out. Also, your timeline is confusing with the mother getting sick and then you began talking again two months ago so I don’t know how serious it was… BUT for me….unless you’d been together about 8 months and you were exclusive, I would say he is wildly overreacting if the relationship wasn’t solidified.” FeralBaby7
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he’s wildly overreacting to a minor miscommunication. If he’s unwilling to see someone who ever had a past cosmetic procedure, he needs to be a lot more specific in his questions when he meets people. Also, he may be a financial advisor but he’s not YOUR financial advisor so no it isn’t his job to tell you your personal spending is wasteful.
In a committed relationship where you’re thinking about sharing expenses or combining funds, you should discuss priorities and budgets for personal spending, though it shouldn’t be in an accusatory or belittling way. But anyway you’re not there and hopefully this was a breakup so you won’t be there with him.” LovitzInTheYear2000
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. 0,5 ml of filler dissolves way earlier than 8 months. Whatever lips you had when you met B, the filler had already been gone by that time. B sounds very controlling and disrespectful. It is not his call to decide which cosmetic procedures you should or should not go through.
You are not obliged to report that to him. And making a scene about nonexistent lip filler is ridiculous and worrying. This is a red flag, consider breaking up, because it will only get worse if you continue seeing each other.” MidnightConclave
17. AITJ For Ordering A Souffle And Making My Friends Wait?
“I (37M) was out to dinner with a few of my friends, named John (36M) and his wife Eliza (33F), along with my sister Tara (38F) and her husband Matt.
(41M) this past Sunday (10/22). A few months ago, J reached out to everyone proposing we get together, as we hadn’t had time since John and Eliza had their first kid about two years ago. We started planning in August and went to a French place that was difficult to get a reservation for.
Everyone was able to make it and we all were ready for a great night out.
Now, I want to make it known I am a very big guy. I weigh about 126kg, so that inevitably means I am going to eat a lot. When we got to our seats, I asked the waiter what accommodations they had for a bigger person, as they tried to squeeze us into a corner booth where we could not all fit.
I had a feeling everyone was slightly annoyed with me, as we had to wait another 30 minutes afterward for a regular table to open up. I mean, yes, I understand that, but this is a common theme when I go out to eat. I did mention it beforehand, so I’m not quite sure what all the glares were for.
Everything was fine once we got to our table for most of the evening. Eliza commented that she would like to get home for the sitter at some point, and requested that we not take forever ordering wine, picking our food, and so on. Nobody took too long ordering the wine, and there seemed to be a general implied consensus to let John and Eliza go home sooner rather than later.
This was mildly annoying to me since we had booked this night 2 months in advance. I understand a young child, but there was plenty of time to prepare! I didn’t even get to look at the wine list for as long as I liked.
I have a massive sweet tooth.
And this place makes the best souffle I’ve ever had. So when the server came to take dinner orders, I asked for the souffle right then, which I didn’t think it was unreasonable to request it at that time, since that gave them time to make it.
I ordered it with coq a vin, which they make from scratch. I was shocked to receive four glaring faces after ordering, and Matthew asked me to talk to him outside.
Matthew told me I was being extremely inconsiderate, and even if we were planning this for a while, I needed to step aside.
Having no kids of my own, this seemed irrational to me. I walked back in, sat down, and refused to look up from my phone for the rest of the evening out of protest. The souffle came right out when it was expected to, and John and Eliza were able to get home only about 40 minutes later than they intended to.
So why is everyone so frustrated with me? Tara and Matthew have told me they won’t be going anywhere with me anytime soon and they never offered any sort of explanation. John won’t return my texts or calls, even though I’ve been explaining my side of the situation many times over.
So, what gives? Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. I was going to vote NTJ until you admitted that you were the one who made the reservation. If you know you require a larger table, you should have requested one when you made the reservation.
It was really inconsiderate for you to make everyone wait 30 minutes to be seated over a problem that you created. They probably felt that since you were the reason they had to wait so long to be seated, you should have ordered something quick and basic so the evening wasn’t prolonged any further.
Here’s my problem with that argument: nothing was stopping them from leaving. If they needed to relieve the sitter, they could have paid for their food and left. They didn’t need to stay while you ate your soufflé. They also could have asked the server to bring out the dishes as soon as they were ready so they didn’t have to wait for your coq au vin before they could eat.” Mother_Tradition_774
Another User Comments:
“hmmm does anyone else remember the family guy cutaway scene where the big guy at the dinner table orders the soufflé that takes like 40 minutes to make and everyone is frustrated at him? that’s what this instantly brought to mind…. Anyway, YTJ.
if there were 2 months to plan this, and you knew your size has inhibited you getting you a table before at dining establishments…. so this begs the question why didn’t you call ahead and explain the situation so that your whole dinner party wasn’t forced to wait an additional 30mins?
if you’re using the “2 months” timeframe as adequate time to plan for them (it’s giving “2mos so NO excuses”) then you also need to apply that to yourself.” k09062016
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You made the party wait an extra 30 minutes to accommodate your needs, but then refused to accommodate the needs of others.
All of your needs are equally valid, so why are they the bad guys here? You could have arrived at the restaurant early to make sure your needs were accommodated without interrupting the evening, after all. You didn’t, assuming your friends would understand. Isn’t it then logical for your friends to assume you would understand their needs?
You acted like a brat and you are being a hypocrite. The polite thing to do would have been to order your dessert to go.” [deleted]
16. AITJ For Not Wanting My Friend To Bring A Child To Our Adult Scavenger Hunt?
“Firstly, my friends and I are all around 23-25, with no kids, younger siblings, or any future thoughts of kids.
In fact, we have often joked about none of us wanting kids, saying things like “reason number so-and-so” when we see kids being a bit obnoxious in the wild. I personally do not find kids to be fun to be around, I am an awkward person usually and that amplifies when I’m around kids, find it very hard to talk to them.
We have had this activity planned out for a few weeks, I won’t get into too much detail about what it is, but it’s a scavenger-type thing located all throughout our city. It’s advertised towards adults and families, though all the promotional photos I saw were of adults.
My friend, I’ll call her Mia, had agreed to let her friend’s 10-year-old son join us, without consulting us. I have not met the child, and neither have a couple of our other friends. She told us the night before. Her sister, also a friend, immediately told her not to bring him, as she didn’t want us to be burdened with having to babysit him on what was supposed to be a fun day for us.
Mia responded saying that she can’t take it back now, it’s too late and she won’t hurt him by changing her mind. I understand this and realize that it would probably hurt him to say no, but we did not agree to have a child join us.
The scavenger hunt includes clues to be solved that will lead us to our next location, I’m not sure how difficult they are, but I can imagine that she won’t want us to solve any of them before the kid does, completely ruining the fun around the game for the rest of us.
If she had mentioned bringing him earlier, I would have reconsidered going altogether, but now it’s too late as we have our names registered on our tickets.
Personally, I was hoping to make it into a bit of a pub crawl, by having a drink at each place we were sent to, though I hadn’t brought this idea up to anyone yet.
Obviously, we can’t do this now as it’s not really appropriate for us to do that around him.
After Mia continually defended her decision to bring the boy into the group chat, I messaged her privately about the situation and explained that I wasn’t interested in spending my weekend with a child, especially because my free time is limited and my weekends are spent doing the things that I enjoy doing.
I felt the message was firm yet kind, and made sure to explain that I appreciate that she is personally close with the boy, but I think his presence would put a damper on our day. She responded by saying that she was sorry that I felt this way but she wasn’t changing her mind, she also mentioned that we would be kind of paired up (others were bringing their partners and I had invited a friend that Mia was also friends with, though I am closer to) and implied that we would be excluding her and that’s why she wanted to bring the kid.
Now I feel bad about reaching out to her about this, and potentially making her feel like an outsider. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and Mia are definitely dealing with some personal issues revolving around feeling like she’s being left out when pairs or coupling is involved. But her choice of negating that has actually created more tension between everyone.
Instead of letting everyone know ahead of time that she feels ‘iced out’ when pairs are involved, or, finding a friend or companion to join the group that she can introduce that everyone can engage with, she decides to bring a minor and not discuss it ahead of time to make sure it would be appropriate?
Her coping skills need a reset and probably have for a while. As you mention, they won’t really enjoy what’s going on, and worse still, everyone will feel like they need to modify or guard their behavior because a minor is amongst you all.
This time around, if she feels like everyone is moving along the scavenger hunt without her while stopping at a bar in between or afterward but she doesn’t feel like she can partake, it’s on her.” roxywalker
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The big issue is Mia is trying to make changes and is getting upset that people aren’t interested in those changes.
She gave consent to somebody joining without checking with the group for a group activity. Especially a change she should have known would not be popular. If the group does not want the child to join Mia either needs to make other arrangements for them or just drop out of the activity/do it separately.
Expecting the group to just accept it is the jerk move.” Dragon2439
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for being annoyed, I certainly would be, but I also think you’re overthinking it. It’s really unnecessary to expect that the kid will have to guess everything before you’re allowed to say anything…he’s 10, and he doesn’t know every business in the area.
It’s going to go one of two ways. Either he’s going to be happy just tagging along and getting sodas at each stop while you guys drink (assuming they’re not actual bars that he can’t enter), or he’s going to be bored silly and spend the whole time watching YouTube on someone’s phone.
Either way, he’ll be relatively out of the way, and now that you’ve expressed your disappointment with the original invite, I don’t think you should let his presence ruin your day. I don’t like kids either but my 9-year-old niece can actually be quite fun to hang with now that she’s developing real thoughts and a sense of humor.” NotThisAgain_23
15. AITJ For Kicking Out My Friend Who Took Advantage Of My Hospitality?
“I (27f) have been contemplating on this situation for a little while now and I don’t think I’m in the wrong. So about 2 months ago I let a friend of mine (25f) and her 2 kids stay with me for what was supposed to be until she got her place and car fixed but it didn’t exactly happen that way.
So my friend called me one day crying so I let her stay with me so she doesn’t have to deal with her ordeal. So the deal was I would watch her 2 children while she worked the third shift and when she got home I’d give her about an hour to relax before caring for them herself if they were up when she got home because I have 3 kids of my own that I have to take care of and get ready for school.
So every evening I would feed 5 kids (her youngest is easier to feed because she was disabled and was bottle fed) if they needed a bath I would bathe them on top of cleaning and getting things ready for the next day and still having to pick my partner (32m) up from work at 11:30.
So after all that I would still be up like every other hour because her youngest child cried through the night which I had no problem with because again she is a baby and she is disabled so naturally I knew it was going to happen.
So every morning I would wait for her mom to come home so she could take care of her while I tried to do what I needed to do as a SAHM so my household could flow peacefully. But no, she would come home and sleep up until it was time for her to go to work.
Mind you she did this every day. So fast forward to a few days before I told her to leave and never come back.
My apartment does random inspections but in a very sly way meaning they would say they are coming to do something else but it’s an inspection and I let her know as soon as I walked through the door the morning, I got the note for it.
I let her know that she needed to at least get her and the kids out before the inspection so I didn’t get put out and she could come back. Y’all, I kid you not this woman didn’t even acknowledge what I had said like what I said didn’t matter.
So the day of the inspection she was almost an hour late getting home and she never even looked for somewhere to stay until the inspection was over I was already late for training because I tried to get a part-time job as well so I texted her to let her know I still needed her gone.
AND SHE NEVER REPLIED. Instead, she sat there for 6 more hours talking about me to someone who doesn’t even live in the same state. And how do I know this BECAUSE THE GIRL CALLED ME AND TOLD ME EVERYTHING? And when I told y’all I was enraged I was livid.
So I told her she was never allowed to step foot in my apartment ever again and never to contact me again. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ she took advantage of your friendship and then got mad when you told her to leave.
You gave her ample time to get it together and she chose not to do so.” Unlikely-Effective-4
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were more than hospitable and provided free daycare on top of that. You’ve done what you can but you need to live your life as well.
The type of help she needs is beyond you. You’ve gone above and beyond.” baconperogies
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honestly, you sound like a saint for taking her in, feeding & bathing her kids, and then all night on a call with a disabled baby.
She took advantage of you horribly and put you at risk with your landlord. I’d never talk to her again.” [deleted]
14. AITJ For Not Wanting To Give Up My Master Bedroom To Accommodate My Roommate's Partner?
“I (24F) live with two other women roommates.
I have the master bed/bath downstairs, which I pay more for in rent. Roomie 1 (Sam) and Roomie 2 (Anne) have their own bedrooms and a shared bathroom upstairs.
We all have a great dynamic and communicate rare issues well.
Sam and her partner want to move in together but financially it’s not in the cards right now to get an apartment or rent a house for just the two of them. Sam’s partner lives with some lousy people but doesn’t have a lease, so he could move anytime.
Sam talked to Anne and me about him potentially moving in with us it last night and was very considerate and invited us both to be honest. We chatted for a while and all decided to 1) sleep on it, and 2) her partner should come over more so we can all get to know each other better.
I have a lot of reservations about him moving in, and I know Anne does too. Namely, because we barely know him, and we’re both weary of living with a couple.
Sam would never outright ask me to give up my space and swap rooms, but I feel like I’d be a massive jerk if I didn’t.
I’d be helping her partner out, and he’d contribute to rent, which would lower it pretty significantly for all of us. I don’t think it’s fair for me to keep a room that accommodates two while having three people upstairs sharing a bathroom. Sam’s bedroom is small and would in no way be able to accommodate any of her partner’s belongings or furniture.
But I also don’t think it’d be fair to sacrifice my space and comfort to solve their problem. I’d have to store some of my bedroom furniture as it would not all fit in the smaller bedroom. I’d be sharing a bathroom again, which was a huge bonus of moving out, as I’ve never had my own private space like that before.
A few friends I’ve talked to about it say it’s not my responsibility and that was not the arrangement I agreed to when I moved in. They say if Sam and her partner are ready for that commitment they need to save money and work it out.
While I agree, I have no idea how to kindly and respectfully communicate this to Sam, and can’t shake the guilt.
Also, recently the property managers did an inspection and the owners had the house repainted, so we’re all suspicious that they’re going to sell when our lease is up in March.
Anne mentioned getting a small place of her own if that happens. Everything feels very uncertain, so this adds to my reservations.
My biggest fear in it all is resentment. Anne and I are both chronic people-pleasers. Despite Sam giving us the space to be honest, it’s still incredibly hard to say no, especially to your friend, and especially when it could save us all a lot in rent individually.
I don’t want Sam and her partner to resent me for not helping them if I say no. I don’t want Anne to resent me for not saving us all the rent money if I say no. I don’t want to resent Sam and her partner if I say yes.”
Another User Comments:
“I think no, but I also think they’re allowed to disagree it’s okay for you to be the bad guy in someone else’s story when you haven’t actually hurt them you’re not taking their home from them, you’re just keeping your home” Dapper_Decision6336
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re going to resent them if you say yes. Maybe you and Anne could rent a place together. But don’t agree to something you don’t want just to make THEM more comfortable. You live there too and you were there first. It’s not your fault the partner doesn’t have his financial act together.
Don’t give up your room.” No_Confidence5235
Another User Comments:
“NTJ It is very simple. You both said you would sleep on it. So say “Now that I’ve had time to think about it, I am not opposed to partner moving into your current room, I know I brought up that my room is larger but after thinking it over I am unwilling to give up my space.
Having a private bath is very important to me and I am not willing to give it up or pay to store my extra furniture which would be necessary if I moved into a smaller room. thank you for understanding.” Gladtobealive2020
13. AITJ For My In-Laws Feeling Unwelcome In Our Home And Not Holding Our Baby?
“So, my husband and I just had a baby about 9mo ago.
We’ve set a lot of unpopular boundaries with everyone. One boundary that was set was to call before coming over to our house because my husband is gone during the day and sometimes the baby and I will nap throughout the day if we didn’t get much sleep the night before, which happens often.
We communicated this clearly to everyone.
His family didn’t try to come over in the first few weeks, but after that, they would come over at random times and call once when they were 5 minutes away. Of course, I was asleep each time they tried (they tried about 3 times), so I couldn’t let them in because I was asleep and had no idea they were there.
His family was hurt by this.
His mom only comes by now when my husband is coming home from taking his older sister home from medical treatment because his mom picks her up and takes her back home from our house. She will usually just wait out in the car until he gets back and won’t come in when he does get here.
She’ll make an excuse like, “I’ve been sick,” or “I’m tired, so I just want to go home.” My husband is mad at me for this, but I’m not sure what to do about it. We told her to just knock when she got here so I could let her in, but she just refused to get out of her car.
His family is also upset that I don’t let them hold our baby. I have never rejected someone in his family when they asked to hold the baby, I always happily hand her off when someone asks. After all, I want her to bond with her family.
My husband said tonight that I should offer. It never even crossed my mind that I should be offering. I love holding our baby. Offering isn’t really a huge thing in my family.
To add to the fire, I brought along my mother to my husband’s sister’s quinceañera about a month ago and we all had fun, but they noticed that my mother was holding the baby a lot.
My mom is constantly asking to hold her anytime she sees our baby, and like I said, I don’t say no when people ask. His family took this personally and didn’t even try to really interact with our baby after that.
My husband and I ran into his mom today and he asked her if she wanted to hold the baby.
She rejected the offer and she voiced that she felt unwelcome in our home and was upset about my mother holding the baby at the quinceañera when she didn’t get to hold her at all, but she didn’t even try to. My husband took her side, which really hurt.
All of these concerns were voiced to me all at once tonight. So, I didn’t have context while they were happening. I don’t want to have problems with him or his family. They have actually done a lot for me. Maybe I’m giving off a weird vibe somehow to them – I know I can be super socially awkward, but I feel like my actions with my family vs his have been the same.
I just don’t see how this could lead to them feeling so uncomfortable or unwelcome.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband needs to step up and help with this social awkwardness instead of siding against you. He should be asking his parents if they want to hold the baby, he should be making sure they are comfortable.
And as for anyone dropping by when you have told everyone you and baby might be napping—that is completely stupid. Do your in-laws really not remember what it was like to be up all night with a little one? If your MIL actually wanted to hold the baby, she would have jumped on it the minute her son asked her to.
Instead, she pouts to get some kind of leverage over you, and sympathy and attention from HER baby—a son who isn’t acting like a grown man here—and he’s giving that to her.” Auntie-Mam69
Another User Comments:
“They are a weird bunch. If they want the baby, they can ask.
Your husband should have told them that the first time this “problem” was brought up and that should have been the end of it. Some people just can’t tell you what they want and then act annoyed because you’re not a mind reader. Announcing your visit a bit earlier should be normal. I can’t imagine going to someone’s house unannounced and then acting hurt because that person was sleeping and didn’t open.
That’s bat-jerk crazy. And you’re NTJ.” definitelywitch
12. AITJ For Skipping My Aunt's Funeral To Go On A Planned Trip With My Son?
“Last week, I (26M) was informed that my aunt, who had been in the hospital for the last 2-3 months had taken a turn for the worse. I was pressured by my father to come up there to say my goodbyes, even though I was not comfortable in those situations, and it wasn’t helped by my history with my aunt.
Growing up, this aunt was the only one that was nice to me. She had a child my age, so I spent the night over there many times growing up, of all my aunts and uncles, she was the one that I was closest with.
This slightly changed as I got older and started eavesdropping on conversations she had with her husband and my grandmother, where she constantly trashed my parents, siblings, and sometimes even me while I was in the next room. With my family, I always felt like I was compared to my cousin, and nothing I did was good enough.
My grandmother made it clear she didn’t like my father, or me. This treatment lasted until I went to college. My cousin made some lifestyle choices around that time that went against my family’s beliefs, so all of a sudden, I became the grandchild that they leaned on.
This sudden change got annoying quickly, and caused tensions to rise.
After leaving for college, my contact with my grandparents and this aunt tapered off. I played sports in college, but they never came out to watch no matter how close.
After graduation, my grandfather passed away suddenly.
I dropped everything at work and went to join the family. Upon getting there, the reception to me was cold. Everyone was grieving, but nobody even tried to comfort me. I sat in the room with him alone because that was the only place that felt okay to be.
After his funeral at dinner, somehow the conversation came up about my upbringing and how it was affecting me as an adult. The aunt that I was closest to accused me of being spoiled as a child and unruly and that I was continuing this by spending funds on my wife and myself whenever the budget allowed (multiple vacations a year, etc).
To add on, I grew up in poverty in one of the worst ends of town. My aunt and her family lived in a house that I can’t even dream of owning today, and my cousin was given everything he wanted. Their reasoning behind why I was spoiled was because I had a grandfather who lived with us and he’d make sure I went to a proper catholic school and was able to do any activities my heart desired.
From that day on, my relationship with my aunt and grandmother has been almost nonexistent. My child was born 4 years ago, and they didn’t even meet him until his first birthday. Since then, they have only seen him 3 times. Every time I see them, I am guilt-tripped about not coming to see them and bringing my boy.
I had a day trip planned with my son to another city just out of state but was informed that my aunt’s funeral was that day.
AITJ for going on the day trip instead of my aunt’s funeral?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Here are your choices… Go on the trip, have a wonderful time, and be bashed by certain members of the family who are, honestly, people you should cut contact with.
OR Go to the funeral, have a horrible time, ruin your outing with your son, and be bashed by certain members of the family that are, honestly, people you should cut contact with. Either way, those family members that haven’t a good bone amongst them are going to bash you no matter what you do.
It will either be for not showing up, or if you go it will be for not being a better person (whatever that means). Avoid these people at all costs.” inFinEgan
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t believe in attending funerals just to keep up appearances and if you do go that sounds like all it will be since no one in the family will have a warm welcome to you.
Just go and enjoy the day with your son. The family will have to deal with it.” Swimming-Database880
11. AITJ For Prioritizing My Son's Wish To Live With His Maternal Family After My Death?
“I have a son who is now 14 from my first marriage. My first wife died when he was 5 and I remarried when he was 7. My wife and I met several months after I lost my wife.
We did not enter into a romantic relationship until 16 months after my first wife’s passing. However, I know that from starting a romantic relationship to remarrying, we moved fast. I know it was too fast for my son who was young at the time and struggled with the change.
I did have him in therapy and our relationship did not suffer because of it, he never stopped confiding in me and talking to me. But his relationship with my wife did suffer as a result. He is not close to her and he is not close to his (half) siblings.
We have done family therapy and my son had therapy to help him with the loss of his mom as well as more recently to help him as he deals with my diagnosis.
This all comes into play because I am terminally ill and my son wants to go to live with my late wife’s father, brother, and his family once I’m gone.
He has expressed this to me since the topic of what happens next became a reality we need to prepare for. My wife does not want my son to leave her and the kids after I die. I know my two daughters will miss my son a lot since they are old enough at 5 and 6 to remember him.
My son told me he would not be happy staying with my wife and other children. He told me he would rather be with his real family.
My wife is aware of the conversation my son and I are having over this topic. She spoke on behalf of herself and our kids.
She believes I should tell my son he should stay with them since this is his home and she believes it would spell the end of any sibling relationship if he can get away with never seeing our kids. She believes he could grow more fond of them in time.
I spoke to my late wife’s family and they would gladly have my son. They see him regularly as it is and have always been part of his life. I trust that they will take amazing care of my son. But I also believe my wife would.
I believe my son would be happier with his maternal family. I told my wife this and she told me she thought I would want my kids to be close after I’m gone. She thought I respected her as an equal parent in our household.
And that I would take more than just what my oldest son wants into consideration. She asked me to think if it would be best for him. I told him I had been thinking about that. She became angry and we fought about it. I hate fighting with her when I don’t have long left. She told me I was showing a lack of concern or care for her and the kids and accused me of being cold about this.
WIBTJ if I prioritize what my son wants and arrange for him to stay with his maternal family after I die?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ So sorry for what you are going through. this is about what your son wants when you have gone, it is not about your wife or his half-siblings.
His wishes need to be honored. he does not see your wife as his mother. He does not love her, he probably resents her for trying to take the place of his mother. He should be allowed to stay with his maternal family. You need to make that happen before you go.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Your son is not your wife and daughter’s emotional support animal. It’s not his job to make them feel better or more connected as a family after you’re gone. He’s going through the heartbreak of losing both his parents before he finishes school and he’s old enough to make this decision for himself.
Your wife doesn’t get a say in this. She’s not his mother and he doesn’t consider her family. You would be the jerk if you allowed her to say your decision. If you make this decision between the people who should be involved, namely your son and his maternal family, you would not be the jerk.” Pleasant-Koala147
Another User Comments:
“You would not be the jerk. Your wife has it all wrong. If she tries to force a relationship between him and his half-siblings, it’s only going to lead to him resenting them and wanting even less to do with them than he does now.
It’s a sucky situation all around, and I think you should encourage him to maintain some kind of relationship with his siblings, even if he doesn’t live with them, but this kid is going to be fully orphaned as a teenager; he is by far the one who is going to feel your loss the most, and he should be allowed to be with the people who will help him heal.” blanketstatement5
10. AITJ For Defending My Cat Against My Roommate's Accusations And Threats?
“I (30s) have two roommates, Luke (30s) and Ann (30s). Luke and I have been roommates for ~6 years. This fall I started grad school and the cost of living spiked, and Ann and I moved in together to save costs. (Helped me because I was starting grad school, but also cut her costs in half.) We split rent and utilities equally.
We have been friends for ~10 years, but since moving in together, things have been often strained. The current question revolves around my cat. Ann has 2 cats and a dog (ESAs), I have a cat (ESA), and Luke has a cat.
Ann has a habit of spam texting when upset.
Explosively. She also accuses us of gaslighting if we disagree. It’s so bad that Luke has muted our group chat. I have asked her to stop doing this and talk to me in person, and she agreed but keeps doing it.
This isn’t an everyday event–usually there’s a gap of a few days, and until Sunday we had made it to almost 3 weeks–but it’s like she gets angry and just fires off a stream of consciousness.
Which leads to Sunday.
Saturday afternoon I left for a family event and stayed the night. At noon Sunday, I received a barrage of texts that my cat was “a jerk and she’s tired of him,” tired of me not being around to handle him, & she and Luke “do not like him or what a jerk he is.” She followed up that if I wasn’t going to be there more often, she wanted to “talk about rehoming him.” I replied with a flat message that she was NOT rehoming my cat.
She pushed back and said they shouldn’t have to parent him, I need to be home more often to clean up after him, and that Luke also didn’t like it and said he was paying for everything until recently. I got angry and told her I was in grad school so of course, I wasn’t home all the time, I subsidized Luke for 4 years when it was just the two of us, and her dog poops in my room constantly that I clean up but I haven’t suggested rehoming her.
She told me she gave me a solution to the dog problem (She bought a pet gate. I can’t close my door if the gate is there, it leaves marks on the walls, and she charged me for the gate), my litterbox was “disgusting” but she would take care of it (with a picture.
There were 2 piles in the box. 4 cats have access to it. I cleaned it before I left), and that I was being unfair. I told her I was with my family and would take care of it when I got back in a few hours, and to leave me alone.
We aren’t speaking. I talked to Luke, and he said he does not agree with her, doesn’t hate my cat, and doesn’t remember saying anything like that. He also showed me pages of honestly vile texts she previously sent him insulting him and his pet ownership.
He did tell me what she was mad about–my cat knocked over a treat bag and ate some treats. That was the crisis that caused the rant. I do take care of my cat, by the way, and Luke, my friends, and partner are on my side, but I don’t remember Ann being like this before and can’t get over feeling I’m missing something”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Inform Ann that you will not be reading her texts. Then STOP reading them. She can communicate with you in person, or by voice phone if there is an emergency. There needs to be a litter box plus one more than the number of cats.
If they’re all using your box, everyone needs to clean everyone’s litter box. Maybe rotate days.” ParsimoniousSalad
Another User Comments:
“Your roommate sounds like she goes off the rails way too often. You are a 3-roommate home with 4 cats and a dog. She owns 60% of the animals.
You and Luke each own 20% of the animals so she should probably be responsible for more frequent litter box cleaning. But I’m sure you’re not petty like that. Her dog pooping in your room is much more disgusting than your cat simply using the litter box, if your cat was pooping and peeing in her room I could see her behavior being what it is but it seems like normal cat activity.
You cleaned the box before you left and only stayed one night. Why is she acting so crazy like you left for a month or spent 4 days a week with your partner or something?? She’s got issues. Why is your cat a “jerk”? Does he do all kinds of naughty things or just regular cat stuff?
Are her cats well-behaved? I also can’t believe SHE bought a pet gate and charged you for it. She needs to train her dog to not poop in the house. Anyway threatening to rehome your cat for not being there enough is ridiculous you are home plenty.
The pages of vile texts to Luke show she has mental health issues or is just terrible at being a human being considering you two are people she likes. Also, a cat knocking over a bag of treats is pretty expected. A cupboard that latches stops that but you probably already use one and this bag got let out.
If I were a cat I would take that opportunity too.” ColdButCool33
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because Ann sounds difficult but why is there only 1 litter box for 4 cats? That’s asking for trouble. Based on the mean texts she dislikes you and Luke (who I actually thought was a talking cat for a crazy minute there).
Yeah, the cost of living sucks but so does living with people who make your life a misery. I suggest Ann finds somewhere else to live” Specific-Size4601
9. AITJ For Telling My Brother And SIL They Need To Better Support Their Kids Amidst Family Dynamics?
“My brother was with his ex/high school sweetheart, for 10 years. They were 23 and were living together and expecting a baby but their relationship was falling apart.
One day she said she was going to stay with her family but she never came back and he had no idea where she was. Her family never said where she was. He did learn she had quit her job and that she told her friends she was leaving him but not that she was leaving.
He did his best to find them but never found out where she went. Only assumed she had left the country.
He met SIL 20 years ago and they married 16 years ago. They have four children together ages 14, 12, 11, and 9. SIL always knew my brother had another child out there.
Then four years ago my brother learned he had a son who was 20. They did DNA which confirmed he is his son and they communicated. His son told him he would not hear a negative thing about his mom and that he had a good life with her.
My brother said he would accept that and they have built a very strong relationship over the last four years. My parents, siblings, and I have all gotten to know him too and we keep in regular contact with him. He and his mom moved to the US.
Over the last year, the kids have admitted to not feeling like they have an older brother and that they don’t feel he wants to know them. They notice that he always makes time to celebrate Dad’s birthday or to acknowledge mine, my siblings, or my parents.
But they don’t get the same. They feel like he’s disinterested in them. My SIL has expressed similar thoughts that he has been disinterested in her.
The girls are taking it the worst. They don’t understand why he doesn’t seem to care about them at all (their words) and I have noticed that he was always far more interested in having a relationship with my brother, parents, and siblings and that he even takes more of an interest in our kids than his half-siblings.
I could see that the kids were struggling more and their self-esteem was hurting.
I spoke to my brother and SIL that they could maybe use some therapy but they told me it was not needed and would be a waste of funds. I had also suggested therapy when they first found my brother’s oldest. This time I mentioned that the kids were having a hard time but it was ignored. Then during a family dinner, my 11-year-old niece left the table and cried when the oldest was mentioned and she was sad that so many of us had talked to him lately and she hadn’t.
My brother and SIL also came to find her and they were trying to comfort her but she said her brother didn’t care about her and she hated it.
The next day I asked them how she was doing and if they had spoken and they said she’d be fine since she slept well.
This is when I said they need to do a better job of taking care of their kids. They became angry and accused me of inserting myself where I didn’t belong. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ yet. It sounds like you are right and the younger kids should get some help to come to terms with the fact that their oldest (half) brother has no desire to build a relationship.
However, pushing it much further with the parents will flip you into jerk territory. As the kids reach adulthood and hopefully a college with counseling resources, you can suggest it directly to them.” C_Majuscula
Another User Comments:
“I don’t understand why is such a big deal. I have three half-siblings and I don’t care what they do with their lives.
Why is it so important to know someone that they never met before? So what if he’s their half-brother? Changes nothing about who they are or who their parents are? Just some conversations now and then they are not able to join in on. Do they get upset not having met your coworkers and friends you talk about too??” Critical_Item_8747
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But it’s complicated. I’m a concerned aunt as well. Luckily my situation is not as dramatic. Let’s just say that my sister could organize herself and parent better, but all in all my nephew is a healthy and happy boy.
For now. Sometimes I feel tempted to intervene and say things to her, but that won’t help them and it will only worsen the situation. My sis is very stubborn and has a short temper. When she’s angry, she raises her voice and my nephew suffers.
So I’d rather support her silently as much as I can, treat the kid, and plant the right seeds in him when I spend time with him. In the end, it’s their lives, not mine. It must be very painful to see your nephews and nieces struggle, and your brother and SIL doing nothing.
Money is sadly the main reason to refuse therapy, so unless you’re willing to pay for it, it’s a legitimate reason. And although they should prioritize helping their kids over unnecessary stuff… they may be in denial of the situation. This hasn’t been easy for them either.
Unfortunately, many people are good at hiding their pain to not look vulnerable, to the extent that they may not know they’re struggling, too. And there’s nothing you can do about that. Try to be there for your nephews and nieces, reassure them that they’re awesome, and if the oldest doesn’t make an effort with them, well, it’s his loss.
They’re loved and valuable. I don’t know if talking to the oldest about this could help, but honestly, if he doesn’t want to have a relationship with his half-siblings, he doesn’t have to. Finding out about his dad was shocking enough.
I just hope he doesn’t try to get close to his siblings ever, not even if he needs their bone marrow or something, because that would be so awful for the now-kid. You’re a good aunt/uncle.” MerakDubhe
8. AITJ For Setting Boundaries With My Irresponsible Younger Brother?
“I’m a 24-year-old female and I have a younger brother. We have a 3-year age gap. I have always tried to foster a good relationship with him and respected his boundaries concerning time. I do chores around the house because I believe it’s my responsibility to contribute.
Growing up, I’ve always been scolded more and asked to take on more responsibility than my parents which is understandable. My parents always say that since I’m more mature, I should act like it. However, the same thing is not enforced in the case of my brother.
He’s 21 and can’t even boil his own eggs. He can’t finish any job around the house without somebody’s supervision or help. He can’t even wipe the floor after watering the plants. I kept telling my mother that this was a problem and he would suffer when he moved out since he couldn’t even take care of the basics.
He always says he can’t do this or that or he’s not good at it and is able to escape the blame.
Last year I was living in another city because of my job and my mother used to call me to complain about his behavior.
She would say that he doesn’t study and doesn’t contribute and all the burden falls on her shoulder.
To remedy this, I decided to address it when I moved back home this year. At his age, I was earning and had a good internship and yet he used to mock me about how I can’t even pay my entire uni fee by myself and how pathetic I was to take help from my dad.
He has yet to earn a single rupee. Currently whenever I ask him to help around he says he doesn’t have time and snubs me by shouting and making irritated faces.
I understand that he’s busy and leave him be. Earlier I’d make time for him even if I was busy but after repeatedly seeing this behaviour on his part I decided to value my time.
Yesterday he asked me to make his cold coffee and I was about to sit to work. The internet was buggy throughout the day and it was finally working at night. So I told him that I had to sit for work and I didn’t have time.
I was supposed to give some medicine to my dog before that, so I offered to make him coffee if he fed the medicine. This way he gets his coffee and I can save some time. He threw a tantrum and complained to my parents about how I wanted a favor for a favor and why couldn’t I just make him coffee.
After the entire charade, my dad (he was super exhausted) made him coffee.
This burdened me since I felt my dad had to do it even after being so tired and I was angry. I confronted my brother about this and said that if he can set boundaries, so can I and he didn’t need to make a scene.
He argued and screamed at me for playing the victim and said that I was being pathetic. So AITJ? Should I have just made him his coffee?
My mother said that I was stretching the issue and that it was ok since I didn’t have to make it.
Any feedback about how I should deal with the situation is appreciated.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your brother sounds like an entitled brat but your family is also enabling the behavior by doing everything for him. Obviously, you can’t force your parents to stop, but you can absolutely change your own behavior and set boundaries.
Telling him “no” and not giving in consistently will hopefully mean he will eventually stop asking. Don’t engage with any of his little yelling fits or respond when he makes a face. When you react, you are giving him what he wants. Stay stone-faced and just excuse yourself from the situation.” Stranger0nReddit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. protect your own time and effort and let your parents see to themselves. they are adults. maybe in time they will follow your example and stop acting as servants for a grown man, but even if they don’t, it doesn’t mean you should fall in line.
your dad didn’t have to do a thing, he decided to. just like he and your mom decided to let him laze around the house while scolding you for not contributing enough. he is not your son to raise, and he is not your responsibility.
he can do it himself, and they can do it for him, either way, it’s not your job and it’s not your business. stop engaging with the arguments, try to stay calm, and just say no and walk away.” dryadduinath
7. AITJ For Telling My Dad To Stop Venting About Family Issues To Me?
“This conversation/fight happened three days ago.
For context, I will need to explain some of the background of my parents. My dad was married twice. His first wife died years ago and he had kids from that marriage. My half-brother and two half-sisters. He met my mom 3 years after his wife died. They got married a year later and started having kids together.
My half-siblings were younger than 10 when they lost their mom and dad remarried. I don’t remember their exact ages but elementary school-aged. My half-siblings never really liked my mom and I think they see it as disrespectful to acknowledge her as anything other than dad’s second wife.
Not stepmom or family. Just the second wife. They always cringe when someone says stepmom or calls them family to my mom.
My mom and dad had my brother, then my two sisters, and then I came along years after. My older siblings are out of the house too.
So at 16(m), I was the last kid left at home.
My parents always knew how the half felt about Mom. They also knew they didn’t see me or my siblings as real siblings and were never close to us, and nothing has changed there with any of us.
Despite all this Dad believed mom would be a grandma to his grandkids and calls her that. That’s not true though.
For a few years, my half sibling’s kids have said things that showed they picked up on how their parents feel about mom. They have said their mom/dad doesn’t like being around my mom.
They have described Mom as grandpa’s wife or the lady they have to see. When they are around my parents they will be really into dad but sometimes they ignore my mom entirely and when they do interact, they don’t accept stuff from her, like candy or whatever.
A few of them have told mom to her face that their mom/dad doesn’t like her. One of them said once that they wished they had a grandma. My dad was like you do and said my mom and the kid was like no, she’s not grandma, grandma died and we never got to meet her.
That stuff hurts mom. She will cry to me about it and vent and say how she wishes they were closer and how much it hurts to be dismissed and ignored. It’s a lot and then my dad will complain about the way things are too but he is less focused and more generalized on the situation and also on his older kids.
I worry about my mom because she gets so depressed over this stuff.
Three days ago I told Dad we needed to talk and I said he needs to figure out a way to help Mom also both of them need to stop dumping all this on me because I’m not someone who can help.
I told him it’s a lot to hear mom so upset so often and then he will vent to me too. I said it’s too much and he’s the grownup so he needs to do something. He told me I was old enough to help and I should want to be there for my mom.
He was mad and he told me to do better. He’s still angry about what I said. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I don’t know if your dad could have done better with your older half-siblings (like getting them appropriate grief therapy and possibly family therapy after he married your mom) but the reality is that he’s at the core of all these issues.
Either he tried and failed or he didn’t even try and thus allowed these problems to fester. It’s not your fault, and it’s not your job to be the dumping ground for all these issues. It’s his job, and he’s lobbing it off onto you.” PurpleMarsAlien
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your half-siblings lost their mom at a young age, and I can understand them resenting their dad for “replacing” her and resenting their stepmom for taking her spot. The attitude may have been that they lost their mom, and then lost their dad’s attention a bit at a time, first to your mom, then to your siblings and you as each came along.
In their eyes, your mom is the reason their dad doesn’t give them more attention. They are jerks for ignoring the fact that your dad deserves to have a life, and your mother is completely blameless here. Your father is a jerk too, though, for burdening you with any part of this.
Kids aren’t supposed to be their parents’ support, at least not until they are adults. They could maybe talk to your older siblings, but I imagine they aren’t around as much. You are right that he is the only one in a position to correct his elder children’s behavior, especially to the extent that they are passing their attitudes on to the grandchildren.
He is allowing them to hurt your mom’s feelings, and he should indeed “step up.” 1962Michael
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. None of this is your fault and none of it should be your burden to bear. You can feel empathy for your mom and that shows that you have a good heart, but they should not be venting to you and putting so much on you emotionally.
Also, you’re not responsible for your mom or dad’s emotions in general. They need to grow up and get actual help after making a mess of their entire family.” friendlily
6. AITJ For Wanting To Ghost My Roommate After She Hid Financial Issues From Us?
“About two months ago, my fiancee (F,30) and I (M,32) moved out of our apartment with one roommate, to move into a different apartment with a different roommate.
Both were people we knew from high school and had close bonds with. Our next roommate(F,30) was open about a lot of stuff before moving in, so we never batted an eye at anything. We knew she had kids and only got them two days out of the week (we are child-free) so we figured we’d be fine.
We went ahead and moved in.
I feel it pertinent to note we didn’t get a chance to sign on to the lease during this entire time since we didn’t have the funds for the app fees, so we were going to wait until my next paycheck to sign on.
Also, our new roommate, told us she’d need some funds to help with rent and bills from said paycheck. Which I was fine with. Until we woke up 4 days before that day to an officer pounding on our front door. He was stickering up court order notices for her and her ex, who never signed out of the lease when he left. Her back rent was 2 months built up, and she didn’t bring that up when we spoke before.
She waved it off, saying her next salary and commission check should cover it if I could cover the power bill, $200.
We woke up the next day to our internet shut off and the day after we woke up to our power shut off. I got the info to pay the power bill from her, only to find $524 in total to pay off, 200 just being back pay.
During this whole time, she has not bought anything in the way of actual food for her children when they are over (usually orders cheap fast food or hot pockets/microwavable little foods), has not gotten them proper medical attention as her kids have been coughing every time they’re over, has not repaired or asked for repairs on anything in the apartment (new doors for the front door, bathroom door, repair the stove, reseal the windows) and has instead opted to drink.
Every night. We approached her about all of this, and talked about it, and she seemed very open to what we were saying. Even had a nice hug after.
And then after, she started ghosting us, opting to never offer rides, pick up anything for the place for us, has avoid us every night.
And then just today, when I went into the kitchen to make food before work, I found a letter, open on the kitchen table. It’s from the courts, cause even though she paid off the rent, what was about to come due before she paid, did come due.
So, the leasing office never got a zero balance and has opted to move for an eviction. She has not opted to say anything about this yet. I haven’t paid her anything since the court stuff started around 3 weeks ago, and refuse to pay her anything now.
She has a fallback plan, we don’t, and she knows this as when we had that talk. Also, we’re not bringing up the fact that we know unless she does first, and either way, we want to move and ghost her in the process. WIBTJ if I did?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you’re not a jerk, maybe you’re naive, but that doesn’t make you a jerk. Start prioritizing your living situation and please please thoroughly look into wherever you live next.” jrm1102
Another User Comments:
“Don’t give her any notice, don’t have any contact with her.
These bills were due before she met you and she was using you to pay them off, there’s no ifs and or buts about it. NTJ.” Stormyknight555
Another User Comments:
“You’re not on the lease? Excellent for you. Just get out of that apartment with your property before you’re locked out.
NTJ but Get Out Now.” BombshellJamboree
5. AITJ For Offering To Homeschool My Struggling Nephew Without Consulting His Parents First?
“My nephew (12) has been struggling with school.
He’s a very bright kid and I’m so proud of how hard he works but things just don’t click for him there both for the mainstream classes and for the students who are challenged in one way or another.
When he gets home from school I work with him and he understands the majority of things very easily and can execute them pretty well. I’m often essentially teaching him the lesson. He gets note-taking ideas from me and I make the lessons enjoyable and smoother.
The school has had almost no success in the many interventions and plans. I’m pretty much the only reason he’s got a passing grade.
I’ve even made a Home Brew history based D&D. Campaign for upcoming lessons in his history book and he loved it and a lot of the things stuck.
I would expand it and do more like that as a side thing for us after school and for my son in the future.
I was setting up my son’s room (12 months old) and it’s very learning-focused. I’m set up for homeschooling him with baby-to-college material available on my 9 1/2 bookshelves.
My nephew asked to help and while helping, he said he wished he could Homeschool.
I responded, “I would definitely be down for giving you a trial run for a semester to see if it’s a good fit if your parents ever wanted to give it a go.”
Well, now my SIL (with my brother just backing her) blew up the family chats and my DMs. My nephew went home and asked if he could try homeschooling next semester and that I would be open to it.
She’s going on about how it’s no one’s business how they parent, how she’s doesn’t appreciate people butting in, how I was out of my lane in telling her kid he could leave school, and a lot of this along those lines.
The same thing happened when I asked my SIL a few months back if my niece’s pediatrician had additional ideas for working on her speech so I could have work with her as well. She’s 3 and barely says a word so being around her and watching her frequently, I want to help with her learning and development however I can.
I care about their development and safety. She knows about my plan to put my son in art music and sports as he wants at the public school so it’s not like anything was suggesting completely removing him.
It’s been a few hours since she messaged me & my mom and sister said I should call and apologize for getting in their business and I was kinda the jerk for getting the idea in his head to begin with.
My dad says just ignore because I did nothing wrong (NTJ) and she just needs to calm down. she’s still bringing the kids over tomorrow and having them go to my house.
I get that apologizing would defuse the situation mostly but I don’t think I have anything to apologize for nor was the jerk.
I only said I’d be down for a trial run if his parents wanted to, not that I would do it. It’s not like I disparaged their parenting or told him to drop school. Just that I’d be open.
I don’t feel like the jerk but maybe I’m missing something.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ but probably only because you didn’t think things through. You have the best intentions, but think of it from the kid’s point of view – Uncle/Aunt X said they’d home-school me which is something I want. My parents are being unreasonable by not allowing it You should probably have said something noncommittal to the kid like “Oh, that’s interesting.
What do you think the benefits of homeschooling would be for you?” To divert the conversation enough whilst still allowing them to talk about it. From there discuss with the parents in private. They might have other reasons for wanting mainstream schooling like socialization for example.
It’s not your place to put that hope in the kid’s heads” n0shmon
Another User Comments:
“Soft ESH. I know you had the best of intentions, but when there’s something a kid wants, it’s not appropriate to offer them the option until you’ve spoken to their parents.
Their parents make the final call, and they’re the ones who have to deal with the kids being mad at them if they choose otherwise. You did owe your SIL a conversation and an offer, instead of putting her in a position to be blindsided by her kid, and I think you should apologize for that.
Making an offer to *her* is completely valid, though, and it sounds like she reacted similarly when you followed the proper protocol for the speech therapy. If she’s reacting defensively to every offer you make, it probably has to do with her feeling judged as a mother by you – she is comparing the two of you, and she feels that by offering things to her kids, you’re telling her you don’t think she’s good enough.
Maybe you could speak to your brother about mending your relationship, emphasize how much respect you have for your SIL as a mother, and find ways to show it. This is a difficult rift, but all your kids could be better off if you take a first step to mend it.” Aftran_942
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. I was with you through the whole post. I thought how lucky the child was to have someone who cared so much. I started reading the comments. I was confused about all the YTJ votes. I considered what they were saying, and I realized they were right.
You needed to discuss with the parents first. That’s pretty much it. I can see how you just fired from the hip out of love, and it came from a caring place. I would have said the same thing without thinking it through as well.
Apologize, explain your feelings, and really listen to the parents. Understand what they’re saying, and let them know you’re always there for them and their family.” Mr-Lofi
4. AITJ For Wanting To Hire A Nanny After My Wife's Promotion?
“My wife (36F) and I (38M) have been married for 12 years and have 3 kids (9, 6, & 4). We both work full-time with me being the primary breadwinner and earning about 3X what she does.
About 4 months ago, she was offered a promotion at her job. It wasn’t a big step up in pay but would be a lot more responsibility as well as being on-call 3-4 nights a week.
When she told me about it, she was really excited and acted like it was a huge opportunity to advance her career.
I was happy for her, but I told her I had some concerns about how often she would be out of the house in the evenings and/or how we would have to alter our schedules and routines due to her being on-call. She assured me that being on-call wasn’t an issue and reiterated that she would be compensated for that time even if she wasn’t actually called in.
I told her that ultimately it was her decision, but I feel like we live comfortably already and the little extra money wouldn’t be worth the hassle it would cause in our lives.
She ended up taking the job and wouldn’t you know it, she ended up being called in about 50% of the time.
This resulted in us having to find alternate rides for our kids to do activities, canceling plans, her leaving in the middle of dinner or family time, etc. I also had to pick up a lot of slack in terms of household duties and childcare.
We have never fought as much as we have been since she took this promotion but she’s convinced it’s a steppingstone to something better.
I floated the idea of hiring a nanny for the nights she’s on-call so that I have help in the inevitable situation where she gets called in again.
Simply having another person to watch the kids if I need to take one of them to an activity or play date, or to be able to make dinner easier or get other chores done. She shot the idea down immediately and told me that me picking up her slack was not that big of a deal and I should be able to handle it.
After a 3 week stretch of her being called in 3 nights a week, I told her that I was going to start looking into nannies with or without her agreement. I told her the only way I would reconsider is if she tries to get her old job back or look for a different one because her promotion is not working for me or the kids.
She did not take this well. She accused me of being a lazy parent and trying to buy my way out of being a father. She also said that the cost of a nanny would offset any extra money her promotion is bringing in. When I told her it would actually cost more than that, she got extra angry.
She has no timeframe for how long she will be in this position at work and apparently has no care for my feelings on this. I’m tempted to just hire a nanny anyway because this is not sustainable for me. I think this promotion has blinded her to how negatively it has impacted the rest of the family and I refuse to just “s*****t up” any longer.”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t understand why you need a nanny for three nights a week if you’re home. The tone of this reads as you not being supportive and pushing these kinds of issues not necessarily because you actually are feeling overwhelmed (you don’t actually talk about that at all, you just say you want someone just in case one of the kids has an appointment) but because you resent her trying to advance in her career and are trying to make some kind of point about how it’s an inconvenience.
I might be misreading the situation but none of this sounds healthy and what she is doing doesn’t sound unreasonable. YTJ unless you’re leaving out some significant stuff.” kllark_ashwood
Another User Comments:
“NTJ coming from someone who has a spouse with an on-call job.
We had 3 kids and it frequently came up that at least 2 had activities at the same time in opposite directions and DH was called in or stuck at work. If it hadn’t been for my parents living close that could help out we would have had to cut out the activities our kids had because it was impossible to be at all the activities at the same time.” distravelagt
Another User Comments:
“Hire a nanny anyway. It’s a win-win. She keeps her “stepping stone to a better job”, and your kids don’t fall through the cracks. When her better job comes through, presumably with better pay, all this will be worth it. But while her on-call at random times job is what she is doing, your kids should not have to suffer because it is more than you can juggle.
NTJ” YouthNAsia63
3. AITJ For Being Rude To My Fiancé's Friend Who Hijacked Our Party?
“So about 3 years ago my fiance made a new friend, David.
David is married to Denise, and on the surface, Denise and I have a lot in common, as in like a lot of the same hobbies, both career-driven, etc. However, Denise drives me a little crazy for a number of reasons I’m not going to go into here, but suffice to say I find her to be very entitled, immature, and critical.
Because my fiance and David are good friends, at the start we all spent a lot of time together. About two years ago I told my fiance I wanted to spend way less time with Denise, but he’s welcome to hang out with them on his own, which he’s done since.
This last weekend we hosted a bar-hopping party and got a party bus to take us around town from bar to bar. Denise decided to invite 10 of her friends, which is fine – I know and like them just didn’t have their numbers for the invite.
Unbeknownst to me, she felt that since she had “invited” so many people she should get a say in planning the party and was a party “host”.
It started with her sending me a detailed itinerary a week before of where she wanted the bus should go and when, completely ignoring all of the info already on the invite (like when the bus was leaving).
Apparently she didn’t read the invite at all, because a week later her group was still the only one that hadn’t paid me – something she had said was my fault because I didn’t send a Venmo request to her before the party even though it was on the invite and wasn’t an issue for anyone else.
We had a lot of last-minute additions, so called to confirm her numbers and it turns out that six of her friends had dropped out so she only had four, but she didn’t think it was relevant to tell us this until we asked.
We only had the bus for three hours, and she held everyone up for >15 minutes at the start because she wasn’t listening when we told everyone to start getting ready and to get on the bus, and decided that we simply *had* to bring more beer (we already had plenty), then had to use the restroom, then didn’t know where her things were, etc. We rented a bus for 35, but ended up with 38, so didn’t want to draw attention to our number – something she was told multiple times.
Despite this, every time we got back on after a stop she started loudly yelling for everyone to count off. By the end of the night, I was pretty short with her and had told her to “quit it” multiple times when she was telling people to count off.
Per my fiance, I was visibly annoyed with her, which I believe (I do not have a poker face). She had asked him if I was mad at her and why and was upset by it.
He brought it up to me at the end of the night and told me I should have been nicer to her.
I probably could have, but I was just so done with her behavior and don’t regret how I acted.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your fiancé is a pushover. Denise hijacked a party, invited people without asking, made herself into a party host, ignored the established itinerary, didn’t pay on time, wasted everyone’s time on the bus, and her extra guests put the rental over the limit.
Your fiancé’s inability to be empathetic to you, his fiancee, is concerning.” BaronsDad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Nicer to her? If that was me, I’d have left her ignorant, entitled behind when she didn’t show up on time. The first time she started yelling for people to count off she’d have been left on the curb.
You were way nicer than you needed to be. Tell your fiancé to take a good look at her before he opens his mouth.” BooCat3
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if you behaved like a doormat and let her walk all over you she will. You did.
You did nothing to stand up for yourself. So either learn to stand up or sit down and shut up. Your choice. People will treat you badly if you let them. You let her and your bf treat you badly. So why are you complaining now?” Ok-Squash5826
2. AITJ For Wanting To Wear My Friend's Old Wedding Dress?
“I (29F) am getting married next May to my partner of 11 years (29M). We have been engaged since the birth of our kid 5 years ago. Due to a number of circumstances, chiefly finances, we have had a long engagement.
I have been friends with Caitlyn (31F) since grade school, and although we are not “best friends” we have had a long and joyful friendship that means a lot to me.
I went to Caitlyn’s wedding to her college sweetheart, which happened when she was freshly graduated at 23.
Unfortunately, her husband was found in a bathroom stall with his coworker at the reception. My heart broke for her, and I was part of her support system in the aftermath.
She is now happily remarried with two kids of her own.
In planning my wedding, the one thing I’ve been struggling with for years is the dress. My body image is poor, and I have unusual portions that make all clothes shopping awful. But I went thrift shopping last week and found THE DRESS.
It was everything I could have dreamed of, and it FITS ME! I literally fell to my knees crying in the dressing room. Right away, I sent a photo to everyone I could think of, including Caitlyn. She called me immediately. I didn’t see it then, but when I got home, I saw that I had multiple missed calls and texts from Caitlyn.
So, it’s her wedding dress from her marriage to her ex. Apparently, she finally decided to let go of it. Since it was so long ago, I genuinely didn’t recognize it. It’s also not as if she goes around parading her wedding photos.
Once she said it, I remembered right away. It also made sense, as one of the things she and I bond over is our size. I tried to laugh it off, but she said, “I’m sure they’ll let you return it, under the circumstances.” I felt sick to my stomach because it was obvious she didn’t want me to wear the dress, and I was already super attached to it.
I stopped engaging for the rest of the night and talked it over with my fiancé and some other friends. Opinions are split. Some know how hard this process has been for me, and think Caitlyn is being petty. Honestly, I don’t. I get where she’s coming from.
But I literally cannot keep looking. And it was $30. I have a 5-year-old. I would love to spend wedding dress money on her instead.
Some say that it’s not only a bad omen, but disrespectful to ask Caitlyn to look at me in her dress.
Imo, Caitlyn has moved on and has a family. If the roles were reversed, I would be thrilled for her. That said, I do understand that I could be the jerk by reminding a friend I do love of one of the worst days of her life.
I tried talking to her about it the next day, but she has been firm on not attending my wedding if I wear the dress. She actually said she is rethinking the friendship in general. I am gutted and don’t really think that’s fair.
I would love to find a solution that allows me to keep the dress and my friend. AITJ? What can I do?”
Another User Comments:
“Can you imagine, you are at your wedding? You get married and then find your new husband being unfaithful to you at the reception.
That’s got to be about the most painful way to find that out. Then your really good friend gets married and you have to look at her in your dress. The dress you suffered through that day. A symbol of being so hurt and so wronged thrown in your face.
Then you get to see that dress all over your social media, in your house, and probably on your phone. I completely get her not wanting to attend. You can wear it, but don’t expect her to be there, congratulate you or anything else.
She may be okay seeing you eventually.” holisarcasm
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I had a perfectly amicable divorce and would still think it was super weird if one of my friends wore my old wedding dress to get married in. If I’d seen my husband being unfaithful to me at my wedding and the friend who comforted me through that wanted to wear my dress and expected me to go to the wedding and see her in it, I would absolutely find that disrespectful.
I also do not think you would actually be thrilled for her if the roles were reversed, it’s just what people tell themselves to feel better about hideous actions. If your husband is unfaithful to someone else at your reception and another friend wants to use your dress after for her wedding, where you’ll be a guest, would you be *thrilled* for her?
Really? For everyone who is saying she’s not over her ex, it’s very possible to be over someone and still find parts of your history with that person traumatizing.” allegedlydm
1. AITJ For Not Changing My Wedding Date To Accommodate My Stepmother's Birthday Plans?
“I (29m) and my partner (28f) are getting married next year. We’ve both always wanted a summer wedding so we chose a date in that season.
Everyone agreed to help in any way they could, including my stepmother (Ava) who insisted that she helped to find a venue. We had a few site visits scheduled, but she usually came through for us so I trusted her. But if I’m being honest, Ava and I haven’t always had the best relationship, because of how demanding, aggressive, and mean she can be.
Regardless, I always tried to keep the peace both as a child and even now as an adult. She’s done a lot for me so I didn’t want to be ungrateful. When she did something wrong, Dad often told me that it was just “how she is” but I never truly got used to her.
My bio mom, while she couldn’t do much for me financially, is the opposite of Ava, so it was hard to accept Ava because my own mom never stressed me out like that.
A while back, my partner and I went back to our hometown.
We usually stay with my parents or hers. While we were with my parents, I asked Ava how the venue was going. She aggressively asked if we changed the date yet. The date we chose is the day after her birthday and she likes to travel during that time.
I said no and explained that it was the tentative date we had for now. She angrily stormed off. Not a surprise. It was always her way or the highway, but I felt like just this once, they would make an exception for my wedding.
When she came back, she immediately started telling us how “disrespectful” we were for choosing that date and not changing it. Before I could speak, she screamed, (with profanities) at us to get out of her house.
We felt humiliated, getting berated by her whilst packing.
A few days later, my partner wrote a discrete social media post about the situation, sharing her thoughts from the experience. I didn’t really want her sharing it on social media but I felt guilty putting her through that. She was never comfortable around Ava and she always said this but I kept reassuring her that everything was okay.
My mistake. She always tried to be chill but has always hated my family’s dynamic of just sweeping Ava’s behavior under the rug.
I got a call from Dad shortly after because the post got attention. Even though he admits that she shouldn’t have done that (since the house belongs to them both), he still tried to get me to see it her way (as usual) and proceeded to make the situation about the social media post and how we “never included them in the wedding plans”.
I politely let him know that there’s no compromise here and that we want an apology. I don’t know—I’ve just put up with her for so long, and I felt like this was the last straw. We had no issue reconsidering the date, it was just her usual “bully approach” that was unacceptable.
My bio mom, my partner’s mom, and other people who know about this share our sentiments, but at this point, we both want to just take all our savings and elope then travel—away from the drama. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but if you want to remain married, stop making excuses for your stepmother and start backing your new wife.
She seems to have the measure of Ava and you KNOW Ava is pulling a power play move over this. Tell your dad you’re an adult now, capable of making your own decisions and if Ava continues to disrespect you and your soon-to-be wife, you will have nothing to do with her.
He’s an enabler who is putting her unreasonable behavior ahead of the rest of his own family.” HoraceorDoris
Another User Comments:
“NTJ The two issues here are your selfish stepmum not wanting to change her standard birthday plans for one year and also your dad for being a doormat and not standing up to her while she tries to bully you.
Everyone else is on your side and would it really bother you if your stepmum wasn’t at your wedding because that sounds like the kind of ultimatum she would give you? If your dad seems to be siding with her then tell him he needs to think about what is more important, his son’s one-off wedding day or his wife’s birthday plans that she does every year and can easily change this one time.
Sounds like your stepmum is trying a power play and is used to getting what she wants. Make sure that in this instance when it comes to your wedding day she is very much considered a +1.” sjw_7
Another User Comments:
“I’m confused. How do you have a date but no venue?
Normally you pick an approximate time of year and a day of the week, then you visit venues and fix the date based on their availability. If it was the **only** date the dream venue had available, I can see why you’d pick it, but if you haven’t even got a venue yet then it’s all just moot.
No jerks here, because you’re all fixating on a date for no reason.” Unable_Researcher_26
