People Need Persuasive Answers To Their "Am I The Jerk?" Situation
17. AITJ For Getting Surgery While My Wife Just Birthed Our Baby?
“My wife and I live in central Jersey. She was a NYC resident for years before we met. Her Dr was from NYU and she was adamant about wanting to have the baby delivered with a Dr she was familiar with.
We’re all good with that. This was never an issue even though the ride is 2 or so hours.
A couple of days before my wife went into labor, I had a motorcycle accident and broke my collarbone. I was scheduled for an operation on a Monday morning 1st thing.
Sunday evening about 2 am, my wife wakes me up to tell me her water broke. She also tells me, “Don’t worry about it. I know you have your operation this morning. I’ll just take a cab,” to which I replied, “That’s ridiculous. Of course I’ll take you.”
I immediately gather everything together to drive her to NYU. Everything goes relatively smoothly other than 30 hours of labor. Our baby came out healthy, and I was there to see the birth of my newborn. However, I was unable to cancel my appointment because I didn’t want to leave my wife’s side.
After a bit of time, I got through to my doctor who said it is imperative that we have the operation before the bone heals while it is splintered… If we don’t, they will have to re-break it to set it, and it may never heal right.
They told me they could get me in right away if I head back home to central NJ. I told her what they said, and I asked if it was ok with her, to which she replied excitedly, “Of course! You should go!”
By the time I had the operation and got back to the hospital another day or so later, her entire family was there, and the tension in the air was so thick you could cut it with a knife.
When I finally got to talk to my wife, she said she hated that I left her there all alone to which things got heated, and the last thing she said to me before I decided to drop it is,”I hate you for leaving me alone like this at a time that I needed you here, and I will probably hate you for the rest of my life for it.” I couldn’t even make the argument that, “You told me I should go.”
This is a 10-year-old argument, and we NEVER bring it up cause it’s such a hot-button issue, but it has always been in the back of my head whether I was right to go. Her family says I should have stayed, and my friends say I did the right thing, so I need an unbiased opinion, so I can put this to rest for my own sanity.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You needed the surgery. Life happens, and you gotta roll with the punches. You were there through the 30-hour labor, and to me, that seems sufficient given that family was with her when you came back. I would assume hormones could play a part in reacting that way at the moment, but for the next, 10 years after that?
That kind of reaction is absurdly disproportionate. I don’t understand why anything mattered other than the baby. To me, the birth of the child is the only focus. If your collarbone were to heal improperly, it could have impaired your ability to do things with your child for the rest of your life.
Does she have difficulty being alone in general? I don’t know. That just seems freaking ludicrous.” whorticultured
Another User Comments:
“INFO. There are some major “plot holes” here.
You supposedly had a broken collarbone but were able to drive two hours into NYC to the hospital–but the break was so bad that you couldn’t wait a couple of days for the surgery–oh, and you were able to drive back to NYC within a day of surgery (even ten years ago it was VERY uncommon for a mom and baby to be in the hospital longer than 36 hours–or maybe 48 depending on insurance).
You didn’t show up for your scheduled surgery, but somehow, they moved you to the front of the line immediately. Then you were able to drive a 4-hour round trip to NYC immediately post-op?! Your wife set up her birth experience with a 2-hour drive to the hospital while she was in labor?
I can’t imagine any woman doing that regardless of how comfortable they felt with their old doctor.
Supposedly your wife told you she was ok with your going for the surgery, then after this 24-hour miracle surgery, she “hates you for the rest of your life”?
Now ten years later, she still hates you (but you’re still married, LOL). When writing a fictional narrative it’s important to begin by writing out your timeline to make the scenario minimally plausible. Medical fiction can be daunting because it involves facts–like if a collarbone injury was serious enough to require dropping everything for “emergency ” surgery, you wouldn’t be able to drive 4 hours round trip twice in a period of 48 hours (particularly post-op).” celticmusebooks
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’d rather have my husband take me to my preferred hospital over 2 hours away and still be at the birth, have a healthy baby, and the next day, Husband goes into a much-needed surgery than the other way around. She was probably too hormonal and, what could you really do at the hospital after the baby is born?
If the baby was breastfed, you can’t help. If mom was too tired and needed a break, she’s in the hospital; nurses are there to help.
My baby was born 2 months early, and I had severe preeclampsia. My son was in NICU for weeks, and I was in hospital 1 week after birth due to my high BP, but guess what?
My husband was there at the birth, and he wanted to go home that night because he was exhausted from no sleep. Was I mad? No. Did I feel alone? No because I was in the hospital with all nurses helping me and my son.
NTJ, you were there for the most important part, and you had reason to leave… for an important surgery you needed.” Wesmom2021
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for going and getting surgery.
YTJ for being on a motorcycle in the first place when your wife was so close to going into labor.
What a stupid idea. I work in the medical field, and it’s common knowledge that motorcyclists are top-tier organ donors. Your wife had to deal with you nearly dying a few days before labor and then had to take care of an infant as a first-time parent all by herself while you healed. All of this could have been avoided if you hadn’t desperately wanted to go vroom vroom on a dangerous mode of transportation.” FernFellow
16. AITJ For Going On A European Vacation While My Aunt Has Open Heart Surgery?
“My husband surprised me with a 3-week Europe trip over Christmas set for next month. My aunt called me today asking me not to go because she finally scheduled her open heart surgery and it falls a few days into our trip. I told her I would love to be there for her but I wouldn’t cancel this trip.
She started crying and yelling at me that she needs her family during these difficult times and that I could go to Europe another time. I told her I loved her and hung up.
A little background my family is very close and even though we don’t always get along with her we have always been there to help her.
My aunt has never really taken care of herself health-wise and always has had my mom to help nurse her back to health even though she has two grown children living with her. About 3 years ago her heart started giving her issues but she refused to see a doctor for it.
My mother had surgery last year and made a decision to step back from helping my aunt as much, so she finally decided to see a doctor. They found an unknown object in her heart and told her surgery would be her only option, but her chances weren’t the best now.
This was a year ago.
Everyone has been extra caring for her, and my aunt has been loving the attention during this past year. We have been basically at her side anytime she needs anything. She has scheduled and canceled surgery twice each time the entire family comes together to have a big dinner with her.
At this point, I feel as if she really doesn’t care about her health it’s more about having everyone do things for her.
She wouldn’t be alone during surgery. The rest of the family plans to be with her. It’s only me that wouldn’t be there.
Personally, I’m at a point in my life where I can’t be at her every call anymore. So AITJ if I’m not there for her surgery?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Unless you are part of her medical team or have previously committed to be her skilled nurse for aftercare on that specific time/date, you are NTJ.
She has a support system with her own children. There is absolutely no reason for you to put your life on hold for her surgery. That she has neglected her own health and used her neglected health for attention, makes her a jerk.” Suchafatfatcat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not abandoning her and leaving her without support. As a family, you’re acting as a team to help her through things. That doesn’t mean that everyone is on duty 100% of the time, and from a mental health perspective for you all that would not be a great situation.
If you were her only source of support, as much as it would be detrimental to you, that would probably change my verdict because you would have put her in a position to rely upon you and then left her to fend for herself during heart surgery.
That is not the case here at all.” Narkareth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have a family member who never took care of her health and was more than happy to sit back and let everyone take care of her. It was all self-made health issues, like real ones but ones that could have been avoided or mitigated if she had taken better care of herself.
We all begged and pleaded, said we didn’t want her golden years to be spent in a wheelchair but she didn’t listen. Now she’s as old as she’s been acting and having real major health issues that are compounded by decades of poor health decisions.
And now what do we do? Be mean to an old lady? Refuse to help her because she wouldn’t help herself? The fact that this was all so avoidable makes it hard for me to be sympathetic at this point. It’s exhausting and frustrating, and sometimes, you just hit your limit.
Go on your trip. You being there won’t affect the outcome of the surgery at all. There are other people she can rely on.” mjot_007
That's, of course, if she doesn't cancel the surgery again in order to keep on milking her 'health problem' for ongoing attention.
15. AITJ For Giving $50K To My Daughter After My Son Was Jealous I Bought Her A House?
I think his kids are just spoiled rotten at this point.
“I (44M) had a daughter when I was 16. I was young and dumb, but one good thing that came out of it was my wife Alanna (44F). Fortunately, I come from a well-off family, and when Alanna was kicked out, my parents took her in.
Two years later, we had our son. We wanted both kids to grow up together. My parents helped out a lot and years later I became a successful lawyer and Alanna became an architect.
My family doesn’t do Christmas, and for birthdays, we always got what our children wanted. So, unequal gifts or favoritism never really came up.
As for education, we agreed to pay for everything. Because of our income, they were not eligible for most scholarships, and frankly, even if they were I would’ve still paid because someone else could really use it.
When my daughter, Sam (now 28), turned 18, she took a break.
I got her a job in my firm’s mailroom where she worked for two years. As she still lived with us, she saved most of it. Even after she got into a good law school she worked part-time. I didn’t spend much on her even though we just wanted her to enjoy college without worrying about anything else.
She paid for most of it herself.
My son, Bill (now 26), got into a prestigious Medical school. We paid for everything, including pre-med. Sam was never jealous, and we never had problems with Bill, but problems began with their partners.
Sam’s partner is a good man.
He’s a total geek and a computer engineer. He’s kind, polite, and gets along with us. He didn’t come from wealth and is very responsible. A good fit for Sam.
My son’s partner, Jill, on the other hand, is a handful. I wouldn’t call her a gold digger, but I can say she’s very materialistic.
When Bill started his residency a year and a half ago, I stopped paying for his expenses, but as soon they moved in together, he started asking for money sometimes. A few months ago I gave him 50k, to put a deposit on a house.
Sam got engaged a month ago, and we decided to gift them a house I got for a bargain. Why? Because I never really spent much on Sam. On New Year’s Eve, Sam couldn’t stop thanking us for the gift. Bill was all smiles. Jill on the other hand was confused. Bill knew beforehand, but Jill didn’t.
I noticed them whispering to each other and Bill grew upset. After a while, Jill started making snide remarks. Things escalated and Bill accused us of favoritism. He thought it was unfair that Sam got a whole house while he only got 50k. Things got loud, and I finally had enough.
I finally said it was unfair, and I’ll remedy it right now. I gave 50k to my daughter. Bill was confused, and Jill started shouting.
My wife intervened and said now they were even, we were done and spent enough on him. She kicked him out and asked him to not come back home or expect any help from us until he thought long and hard about everything and apologized to us.
Bill was silent, but Jill called us jerks as they left. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The writing of the second check to Sam was a bit over the top. That didn’t help an escalating situation. However, your justification – that you spent a lot on your son early on, and now you’re compensating for Sam – addresses the so-called unfairness.
But the other thing is… your kids are adults. You get to decide how to spend money on your adult children, and if they feel it’s unfair, they can have a non-crappy convo with you about it. The way Jill and Bill chose to handle it – snide remarks, accusations, calling you names… they’re adults and they’re not hurting.
This is like siblings complaining that mom only left the sapphires to Annie when everyone knows the sapphires mean more to Leslie. Get over yourselves, kids.” SilentSeaweed24
Another User Comments:
“There’s a lot to unpack here. On the one hand, I wanna say ESH because it seems the money has made -everyone- terrible.
I mean, except maybe Sam. Keep in mind the sums you’re talking about are well beyond the grasp of most people to comprehend as “gifts,” and this alone may cause people to think YTJ. However, as it pertains particularly to you handling Bill and Jill, NTJ.
You’ve footed a lot of Bill’s expenses — education, med schools, finances, etc. — whereas Sam was a baller and paid her own way. As you noted you even outright gave him $50K. Now, the value of Bill’s education may approximate the value of Sam’s house, so that might make them even-steven.
But “to make it fair”, the cheque of $50K to Sam — to equal Bill’s prior $50K — is a pretty visible object lesson. At the end of the day, you are the arbiter of your family’s finances, and Jill can go eat a bag of weiners.
While Bill may be “entitled” to a share of your estate — just as Sam is — neither of their spouses are owed anything. Sam’s husband gets this, but Jill certainly doesn’t.” aravarth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, my parents helped me more with my education and paid for my brother to have a car in HS and college and a little beyond and helped with his house down payment.
We are probably equal or possibly I’m still a little ahead. We had different needs, I didn’t start driving till my 30s and bought a house later and my husband and I didn’t need the help, my brother didn’t get an advanced degree. Jill is obviously stirring the pot because she sounds a bit greedy, seems like Bill was fine and understood till she got involved. There’s probably going to be drama for a while though, sounds like Bill needs to get worked up to keep the peace at home.” drinkingtea1723
14. AITJ For Siding With My Fiance For Not Inviting His Parents To Our Wedding?
“My fiance Ashton had a rough childhood. The oldest of five, with four special needs siblings (all on the spectrum), parents who struggled and did not ever make him feel like he was as important as his siblings.
It wasn’t until he was 11 and someone got his (maternal) grandfather involved that he had someone who cared. The way Ash talks about it, his parents tried to meet his very basic needs but never prioritized him or sacrificed for him the way they did for others.
Examples: His 10th birthday was the first one he was supposed to get a birthday party for. Three of his four siblings fell ill the day before, the non-ill sibling did not like to go outside the house, neither mom nor dad wanted to deal with three sick kids and one special needs kid, so they canceled the party, and they never made up for it.
His best friend’s parents offered to take him for the day, so he could have fun, and they turned them down. For dinner that night he got a bland meal suitable for people who were sick. No cake, no anything nice for him. It was never made up for either and they got mad at him for holding it against them.
They wouldn’t let him make a sandwich and told him he was being a brat.
He really wanted to move into the basement so he could have his own room since he shared with his brothers and could not have too much stuff in case it set them off.
The basement could be a bedroom and was safe. But his parents said no. They told him it wasn’t fair to isolate him and that his brothers would miss him. So he spent 18 years in a room that had no personality, where he was woken up every night by his brothers who didn’t sleep well and was scolded for trying to move into the basement anyway.
His parents had the rule that one dinner was made, with elements that each kid could eat. Another could be made if more than one kid wanted something different. One parent would often make the sacrifice of just doing one dinner so one of his siblings could have what they wanted, but they never did the same for him so he could have his favorite dinner.
He noticed every time his parents did it.
When his grandpa stepped in a lot of arguments went down. Ash said his grandpa saved him. That he was so angry and felt so lost. His parents never changed. They said he was selfish to ask them to sacrifice for him sometimes like they did all the time for his siblings.
He’s had nothing to do with them in years. I never actually met them.
His paternal family (grandparents and three uncles) I have met. The grandparents came to me about how his parents should be invited to the wedding and how I should make the effort to let them celebrate their son and share in his joy.
They had already been told no by Ash. I had also told them no but they persisted so I told them I would not give them (Ash’s parents) the chance to play doting parents when they have never been. They told me I only had Ash’s side.
I said I also have his grandpa’s, who witnessed a lot. They then said I was being spiteful and mean.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, they made their bed, and you are respecting your future husband’s wishes to exclude his parents. The only jerks in this story are his mom and dad, who clearly didn’t have an issue with alienating one of their children in favor of the others.
This kinda thing really makes me sick. I pray to all that is holy that my own son never has these kinds of feelings towards me. Seriously, screw them for how they treated your fiance. Everyone deserves to have even a little something nice on their birthday.
All it would take is a simple cupcake from the store, and he likely wouldn’t have been as resentful; at least not for that particular instance. It’s one thing to have to pay extra attention to the medical and emotional needs of your children, but that doesn’t give you permission to neglect another child in favor of the others.” Spidermack
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wedding, your rules. Also, after years of neglect, your fiancé is allowed to be spiteful. He is allowed to not forgive them. And he is allowed to resent them. And I would tell those family members your fiancé is the only one who decides if his parents are in his life or not.
And that everyone who will say even one word to claim otherwise is disrespecting what your fiancé went through, and that leads to being uninvited. And anyone claiming that is too harsh is on very thin ice and should think carefully about the very serious effects of child neglect before they argue further.
If they do argue further, uninvite them. Because if you don’t take a clear stance, they will keep pushing this narrative every chance they get.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. This is something that seems to be so common in families where there are children with disabilities and siblings who are more able – the child without disabilities gets little attention, is always expected to make sacrifices, and is just generally held to different standards.
From a parent’s point of view, you can understand why they might need to give more time and attention to the other child, but when you can’t be bothered to meet any of their emotional needs and, more to the point, REFUSE TO LET OTHERS SUPPORT YOUR CHILD WHEN YOU CAN’T, you’re just not a good parent.
Unless his parents can meaningfully reckon with the damage that they caused, no way in heck should they be around.” definitely_zella
13. AITJ For Telling My Mom She's Gonna Die Alone?
“I (21F) live with my mother (37). She got pregnant extremely young and my father was never in the picture, my grandparents also died young so it’s just me and her.
My mother has this disgusting habit where when she gets mad at someone or something, she yells at me. Not only yells but she also tells me that she hates me, regrets having me, that I am extremely selfish and no good, etc.
We spent New Year’s Eve separately, she was on a trip and I was at home with my SO.
She came home around 11 pm, I was at home alone and was extremely tired because of the night before. When she passed through the door she asked me if there was any milk in the house. (Not asking how am I, not even saying hello) I said I didn’t know because I don’t drink milk usually and it’s not something I checked. Then I checked and there was almost no milk in the house.
She asked me why I didn’t buy milk knowing she always drinks her coffee with milk. I said I had just seen the box, I didn’t check since I don’t drink or use milk, and also, I didn’t think that she would come home from a trip immediately wanting coffee.
She told me she had no coffee that day, and I said there was no way I would know that. So, she was yelling this whole time, which wasn’t very unusual of her, but then she started telling me that I am a selfish, ungrateful, unthoughtful, worthless human being.
Basically a parasite living under her roof. I know it sounds like I am leaving details behind but I am not. She told me all of these things because I forgot to check the milk. She goes on telling me that she does not want to live with me anymore, that I should just go and live with my father, and that I am a burden to her.
Then today came and I didn’t leave my room, I didn’t even eat or do anything outside of my room. She somehow found another thing to yell at me for, so she did just that. She saw some pans with black spots under them and then just yelled at me, saying the same things she said the night before.
I tried to be calm and I even apologized for forgetting, but she just went on and on and on about how I am a worthless parasite who ruined her life. So in the end I told her, “You are an extremely pathetic person. You will die alone, and I will not buy you a grave.”
So as I was saying, this is her habit, this is what she does and I knew that, I knew if I didn’t react to things she said she would calm down eventually, but I couldn’t do it this time. I just wanted to hurt her the way she hurts me, even though I know this is a wrong thing to do.
I just wanted to know if the guilt I feel is valid or not. I want to be a better person than her and I know mirroring her behavior is not a way to do that.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Definitely a harsh statement but totally understandable why you said it.
Sounds like your mom stopped growing developmentally after she had you. Her behavior is unpredictable & unacceptable. It sounds like she could use some professional help to deal with her issues. They are HER issues. You shouldn’t be the target of her anger when she can’t deal with life.
Get yourself out of this situation as quickly as you can. It’s not a healthy relationship. You are not the parent & you have no reason to feel guilty. However, I suspect 21 years of this kind of relationship has seriously affected your ability to have a “healthy” relationship.
You may want to think about getting some professional help for yourself to help get you out of this cycle of emotional maltreatment with your mom. Wish you the best!” Alarming_Reply_6286
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The burden of single motherhood is extremely ugly, and not at all fair to anyone involved. Statistically, children who grow up without a father are heavily predisposed to many negative outcomes (the numbers are actually insane).
The mother has to carry all of the burden with the help of subsidies, but I can imagine the stress of making the wrong choices early on in their life (often manipulated into them, but that’s an aside), and having to deal with the consequences alone, that must take its toll.
Rather than find grace to resist the cruelty of life, it sounds like your mother projected all of that nastiness onto you. You are not responsible for her problems, and she does not necessarily deserve hatred. She needs to stop feeling guilt for where her life went wrong and passing it on to you.
That may never happen.
Close your heart to it and try to find some compassion for the vestiges of your mother you love while you grow and move on from her. The father left a void, he may have been booted out by a crazy spouse, or he could have been the crappy person that really deserves all of the hate here.
Life’s complicated.” swarthybangaa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And I hope you find the strength and the resources to start her aloneness as soon as possible. Please start thinking in concrete ways about what you can do to enable you to move out. If you need a more skilled job, think about getting some vocational training or more education.
If you feel stuck emotionally (which would make sense given all the emotional maltreatment you’ve experienced throughout your life), start working on this. If you can afford to move out now, start looking for other housing and make it a goal to be out of there by February.
If you need more training for a better job to afford alternate housing, make it a goal to find a program this month. If you’re qualified for a better job but haven’t put the effort into looking, get going. You’re living in a horrible, undermining situation in which you get hurt deeply over and over.
Please start working on getting yourself out of there.” Nester1953
12. AITJ For Telling My Mom And Maternal Grandparents How Much They Suck?
“My mom was married before my dad had my half brother who is now 27. My mom and her ex divorced when he was a baby, and she met my dad when my half-brother was 2.
I’m now 17f, and my brother is 15, and my sister is 14. My half-brother’s dad is the world’s biggest jerk. He has said repulsive stuff to me and my siblings, he turned my half-brother against my dad and convinced him he’s a bad dude. Because of all this, my half-brother hates us, hates our dad, has been cruel to me and my siblings, has repeated stuff his dad has said, and 10 years ago, when he still was splitting time between both houses, brought his dad into our house and made sure we could all hear what this man thought of us.
I suffered a lot after that incident. I spent the first seven years of my life hearing I was ugly, that I should have been dead, wishing bad things on me, and then that. It was when I realized that my half-brother really did hate us and would never give a crap because he was as twisted as his dad.
I guess I should be glad it was only ever words?
My parents never gave up on the idea he would see sense, and have corrected me over the years saying I only have two siblings and that my half-brother hates us. My parents have put me in therapy with the intent of me holding onto love for him and being willing to welcome him back whenever he comes around, regardless of whether he apologizes or not because “it might be too hard for him to face what his dad has done to him”.
I have seen him a handful of times in the last five years and all of those times he was still the same person I remember.
My maternal grandparents are going to be 50 years married in a few weeks and they have TJ, my half-brother, who would only agree to come if his dad is there, so they agreed. Once I heard I didn’t want to go and my siblings were with me.
Our parents and maternal grandparents said we have to go and we will be forced there if they have to. I got my paternal grandparents involved and they were outraged and offered to take us when the party happens instead but that was dismissed. My parents and maternal grandparents then sat us down and told us we are going, we are going to give the family a chance to heal and we should be happy to see our big brother again.
I snapped and I told them that they all suck and if the three of us (me and my siblings) end up with crappy self-esteem, and if we end up screwed up as adults, they can blame themselves for subjecting us to two people who viciously hate us and have said things most would turn anyone away for saying.
I got into pretty big trouble for saying that and they told me it was a horrible thing to wish on us and say to them.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Those people made it abundantly clear what they think of you, and you are as free to express your opinion of them.
And your parents and grandparents never stood up for you and your siblings against unacceptable behavior. This is a red flag.
Family is a matter of choice, people who care, but are not b***d-related can be more family than those linked to you by ties of b***d.
And nope, appearances be darned, they caused the problem, they are the ones needing to approach those that they wronged. The victim offering avenues again and again, how insane is that? The grandparents want a united family, okay, then they should look up what party was wronged and who is due restitution.
Personally, I would make it a demand for that step-sibling and father to not attend if they want me there. I would understand it if the grandparents chose those people over me but also then be less concerned with the people who ignored my misgivings.
Have a nice party. You know why I will not be part of it.” Neithan02
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and at 14 for the youngest with years of maltreatment, you being nearly 18 and grandparents willing to take you in and help, y’all should be able to get some real help if you all report it.
Most judges start asking at age 12, and it’s sped up with multiple siblings all in agreeance that there is maltreatment, and y’all are willing to stay together.
Feel free to ignore me, but get this: it’s truly a bad idea, but I’d burn bridges by going to my paternal grandparents on that day with my siblings.
When my parents showed up, I’d ask my own father if he is my father, since another man gets to decide his household and how to raise his kids. I asked my mother if we were her real kids or if she kidnapped us since she clearly doesn’t love you enough to care about your well-being.
I’d be loud and proud. Let the neighbors hear if they go to touch you. Remind them that when y’all become adults, you don’t have to do anything with or for them. Remind them that if they want to be in y’all’s lives they need to start protecting you NOW and make deep amends for not doing it sooner.
Otherwise, they’ll only have one kid soon and it won’t be you three. You’re clearly a good young adult with a good head on their shoulders who loves their siblings, I truly hope the best for all of you.” Kooky_Energy39
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your parents are trying to force you to put up with maltreatment to give them hope of your half-brother accepting everyone.
This is the nuclear option and will probably get you in trouble with your parents but if you’re forced to go, make them regret it. Try to remember every terrible thing your half-brother and his dad have ever said about you. Wait until they’re by your grandparents/parents and start asking if they still think you’re ugly, want you to die, or wish bad things for you.
After each thing they’ve said, wait for them to answer. Then go on to the next. See if your siblings are willing to ask them too. Take turns. Make your grandparents/parents witness the cruelty and hatred you’ve all been subjected to for years. Everyone will probably be angry, but the commands to do family time with half-bro will probably stop.” TheTurtleSwims
11. AITJ For Kicking My Daughter Out For Not Wanting To Contribute To Bills?
She’s clearly not hurting financially.
“For context, I’m 47m, and my daughter 22f lives with me.
I want to make it aware before I post the interaction that I bought my daughter’s first car, paid off half of it for her, and she has been living with me rent-free all of her life (obviously expected, I’m her parent, and I made that decision not to make her pay anything).
About a year ago, my daughter lost her full-time, well-paying job due to not showing up to work most of the time. I haven’t hassled her about it, but about 6 months ago, it came up in conversation when she was talking about wanting to go to college.
I told her that I would help her as much as I could financially, but I’m not the wealthiest man. We live in a small two-bedroom, two-bath apartment. My daughter understood and told me she was going to start looking for jobs. She found a better-paying job than her last but decided a few months later she didn’t want to go to college because the job she has currently could support her lifestyle, and she didn’t feel the need to spend the extra money on school.
A few weeks ago, I was stressing over bills and sat down with her to ask her if she could potentially start contributing to some of the side bills or even groceries so that I wouldn’t have to worry about rent as much. Mind you, I pay all of the bills including groceries and such, and even pay for her toiletries and sometimes clothes as well.
She told me she didn’t know if she could do that. I got a little frustrated and told her I needed her to help with bills, or she was going to have to find another place to live so that I could move into a new place to be able to afford them myself with more leeway since I’m living basically paycheck to paycheck.
She told me she would see, and I let it go and didn’t push it any further thinking she would work something out. Mind you, my daughter brings home almost 1,300 a week.
Yesterday, I sat down with her to rediscuss and came up with a reasonable number for her to give me a month.
I asked her for 800 a month. That’s around 200 a week which is completely affordable for her. She got upset with me and told me that her salary is HERS, and if she has to pay me to live with me, then she was going to move out.
I tried to explain to her that I’m struggling with bills and love that she lives with me, but it’s getting hard to support her and me on top of it. She started yelling at me and crying, saying that she shouldn’t have to pay bills because she’s my daughter.
I told her in the heat of the moment to pack her things and to go stay with her mother until she could either agree to help or until we could have the conversation calmly and figure out an alternative, and she packed her things and left.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This shouldn’t even be a question. I understand that parents have a soft spot for their children and they feel responsible for their well-being, but she is an adult. Would you feel as bad if this was a friend or roommate who didn’t pay rent and didn’t contribute anything else?
No, right? Because it only makes sense that working adults contribute to the financial needs of the household as well as with chores! If she’s not going to school, then she needs to move out and figure the rest of her life out. You do not owe her anything else!
You sound like an awesome dad who has supported her not only financially but even through some of her less-than-ideal choices. This time you are the one that needs some support and sadly she didn’t deliver. Not because she couldn’t but because she didn’t want to.
She sounds entitled and ungrateful. She needs to move out and learn some responsibility the hard way! And do not help her out anymore!” Disastrous-Key8974
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Six months before my 18th birthday, my parents told me I could live rent-free until August 2nd.
My birthday is in mid-March. I graduated on June 2nd. I had two months to 1) go to college, 2) join the military, or 3) find a full-time job. If I were in school full-time, I would be allowed to live rent-free but would have to do chores (sweat equity) on the weekend.
If I joined the military, I was welcome to stay with them as a guest when I came home on leave. If I was working full-time, they would charge me rent that would still leave me enough to save for my own place. I started college on June 12th.
I moved in with my grandparents because their home was closer to my university than my parents’ home. I did chores for my grandparents and periodically brought in a pizza or Subway sandwiches to share with my grandmother (my grandfather was strictly a meat and potatoes kind of guy, and she wouldn’t get anything special for herself, so I did).
I also did chores when I was out at my parents’ house on weekends or between semesters.
I’m not sure where you live, but if you’re here in the U.S., I’m not sure about your daughter’s salary. I earn $5,250/a month with two BAs (Criminal Justice and English), half an MFA, and 17 insurance adjuster’s licenses.
Your daughter is 22, no college degree, and less than stellar work history. I’m curious as to what kind of job she has. Regardless of what she’s earning, at 22 years of age, she needs to be contributing if she’s not in school full-time. Your obligation to support her ended either 1) when she turned 18 or 2) when she dropped out of school (depending on the terms of your divorce decree).
Let her mooch off her mom for a while. Eventually, her mother will also get tired of being a meal ticket and will give her the same option you did. Sometimes, you have to push the fledgling out of the nest if you want to be able to afford an empty nest.” Legitimate-Moose-816
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think that if I were to approach this in the future, I’d do it differently. Instead of asking her for money, I would simply make YOUR plan. “Daughter, here is my situation. This house costs X, and I cannot afford it on my income while paying for bills for both of us.
Therefore, I have no choice but to move. I will be moving in 2 months. I wanted to give you a heads-up. If you want to find a place together we can do that; however, we will have to split rent and bills equally. I understand if you’d prefer not to do that, and you’re ready to find your own place.
you know I love you, and I support whichever choice you make. I’m starting my apartment/house hunt Monday, and if you want to come along that would be great.” YOU make YOUR choices, with the option for her to move with you and pay rent.
Asking her to choose an option to pay you, or an option to NOT pay you sets you up for failure.” [deleted]
10. AITJ For Refusing To Buy A House With My Partner?
“My father bought a house on January 1st, 1978. The house was built in 1957, so it’s been around for a while and isn’t up to code. In 1997 the ceiling caved in and my dad not able to fix it at the time decided to move out.
My dad just recently told me he wanted me to have it due to him being up there in age and not having the ability to fix it (my dad being 71 me being 21 and more capable of fixing it). I just found a stable job and bring in most of the money, so I don’t mind being the one to fix it.
My dad got me power tools for Christmas, and as of January 1st, 2023, I am now the owner of the property (my dad wanted the date to be ironic, so that’s why he waited so long). I recently pitched the idea of fixing the house up to my partner and his family as they worry about our finances.
And they told me it is just a lost cause. Granted, my dad is a car collector and most of his collection is on the property, so I can see why some people wouldn’t like the idea, but I don’t mind the cars, and I can easily move them over to the lot next door (which my dad still owns).
They also told me it would just be a money pit, and I had no idea what I was getting into. I’ve been working on houses since I was 5 years old, and I know how to redo the roof due to being taught at a very young age.
In all, I’m looking at a $10,000 – $15,000 project that’s only if I wanted to add an expansion that has already been started.
My partner and I went over to his parents’ house as they wanted to speak with me, and they told me that they cleaned off a section of their property to bring a mobile home in.
My partner had gone with them and picked out a home for $150,000, and we’re planning on having it moved to their property for me and him to live in. They told us we could have their land, and all we would have to do is pay off the house.
I told them absolutely not due to me already owning my home and land and that I didn’t want to get into any debt of any kind. My partner and his parents told me that a house that didn’t need to be worked on would be better as I would not need to be BURDENED by my father’s misfortunes.
I told them that I would continue with fixing up my house and that if my partner wanted to live with his parents, that was on him. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m going to be honest after reading through some of your responses, I have to ask what exactly are you getting out of your relationship with your SO?
You pay for everything, he doesn’t hold down a job, and then he goes and makes a decision that you will have to pay for in the end? You’re so young and clearly very mature and responsible. Please reevaluate your relationship. You deserve a partner that works with you and supports you, not one that acts in his own interests and against yours.” RogueRedShirt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you had discussed with your partner your plans for your property and fixing up the house, and he didn’t like it but at least you had the decency of discussing it with him. From the sounds of it, he didn’t discuss this mobile home plan + $150k debt plan with you at all.
You’re entitled to do what you want with the property you own and you’re entitled to not want to get into more debt – if your man wants to have a mobile home on his parents’ property, he can do that, but he doesn’t get to decide along with his family that you must be part of it as well.
And even if you were on board with their mobile home plan, the fact that he went behind your back to pick one out and expects you to shoulder a share of $150k debt without having had a say in the home you’d be buying?
That’s not right.
It may be time to evaluate how much blending of finances you want to do with this man in the future. He’s already trying to make financial decisions on your behalf and force you into things you’re not on board with and that’s a red flag – your plan places no financial burden on him, his places a LOT on you and ties you to his parents which should things go sour with your relationship is a recipe for disaster.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As a person who’s lived in a mobile home for the last 22 years in tornado country (wanting to move every day, but finances have stopped that), I say that if you can have a brick-and-mortar house as well as land, go for it.
This was very presumptuous of your partner & his parents to choose a house, its placement, etc., without consulting you and expect you to pay for it. And why on earth did you ever let them have access to your financial information? That’s just crazy.
The only person, other than yourself, that should have that information is your spouse, after you get married not before.” sheba71smokey32
9. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For Repairs On My Old Car That I Gave My Nephew?
“Back in October, I decided to buy myself a “New” car a used 2020 Jeep Compass. The first vehicle I’ve gotten myself in over a decade. My nephew began college over the summer but had no car for transportation and I was only going to get between $500-$1000 for it for trade-in or sale anyway, so I decided to be a “cool uncle” and give it to him for free as his first vehicle.
It was a 2008 Dodge and in pretty good shape, drove well and had some problems such as the oil pan leaking and some other minor work. So I brought it up with my brother, his father of course, that I wanted to give my nephew my old car as a gift for free.
I wasn’t asking a dime from them but made it clear that they would have to pay for anything pertaining to the transfer to them and update the inspection or anything else that needed to be done. I let them know of any problems I knew of with it.
When asked why I was getting a new car I told them I had thought it was time and I had a job and budget to get one. I had been thinking about it for a few years and finally decided I should just do it.
They agreed and they took it to a mechanic they trusted, he had to do about $540 worth of work on it for brakes, inspection, oil pan, and some other minor work. He said not to worry about the bill, he’d work it up later.
My nephew was excited when we gave it to him when he was visiting on the weekend.
So now he doesn’t have to bum rides or take a bus.
Well, a couple of months go by, and the mechanic finally gets around to making out the repair bill that as I said came out to about $540. Well, my brother now wants me to pay the bill and says I should have paid for all the work before I even gave it to my nephew.
My response was I told you what condition I knew about the car and that any repairs or transfer payments would be their responsibility.
Now they are acting like I’ve conned them somehow. When all I can think is that I gave them a car at no additional cost other than repairs and somehow I’m the jerk.
What do you guys think? Should I have paid or chipped in for the repairs or what?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You explained to them everything and then the uncle said he had it handled. Now he’s backtracking. I don’t know much about car stuff but I do know that giving a car as a gift, telling them everything, and then them proceeding to get work done means the car was given AND accepted AS IS.
So they’re responsible for paying the bill.” ElevatorOk8601
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I did something similar with a friend’s son. I asked him for $1,000 for the car, he could pay over 10 months. He paid me $300 over 3 months, complained about the work it needed (which I told him about, his dad also looked at it with him), tuned it out like teenage boys who think they’re real mechanics do and it broke down beyond repair 6 months into him owning it.
He never paid me the other $700. His mom won’t hold him accountable. I took the “L” and made a mental note that we’ll just never do him a favor again.” judithpoint
Another User Comments:
“A while ago I BOUGHT a car for $630. A 2001 Skoda.
Funnily enough, it needed a few repairs that were undisclosed, which I completely expected given the age and price of the car. I paid for the repairs without complaint. I didn’t go harass the seller because I received it “as seen” and they disclosed everything they knew of.
NTJ. You were clear from the start that they were getting the car as seen and repairs were on them. It’s a free car for goodness sake!” PepperPhoenix
8. AITJ For Not Allowing My Daughter's Partner To Move In With Us?
“My daughter (19) and I (40) recently moved into a new house three months ago. We both work, but neither of us could afford to live alone, so we decided to rent this new place together. She is on the lease to build a rental record and references for when she wants to get a place of her own.
My daughter and I are very close and have a great relationship. I work from home and have my own ensuite bathroom attached to my bedroom, and my daughter has the main bathroom and a separate toilet. I earn most of the money and pay for all of the food and do the majority of the cooking and cleaning; she pays half the rent and half the internet.
My 12-year-old son also lives with us.
Recently my daughter was talking about having her partner (20) move in with us. This isn’t an emergency housing situation, just something that my daughter and her partner want. The partner is polite enough and is kind and respectful to her but my daughter pays for everything, drives him everywhere, and leaves him here in the house while she’s at work.
He is a very, very overweight guy and keeps all of the fans running all the time in the house, and he tends to clean out the pantry when he stays over. His moving in would also require modifications to be made to the property to accommodate his mobility issues which would be on us if he wasn’t added onto the lease with approval from the landlord.
This doesn’t affect my daughter much because she gets lots of great quality free food at work, but it can be a problem for my son and me. When there’s nothing left to eat in the kitchen, her partner will order delivery to the house and go into my daughter’s room to eat it.
This can be very frustrating because although we aren’t dirt poor, we are far from well-off and we live paycheck to paycheck. I also find it a bit rude that he orders delivery and doesn’t ask us if we want anything even though he knows we’re hungry, as we feed him very regularly and I never order without asking him what he’d like (son doesn’t like takeaway, so he doesn’t order).
Daughter’s opinion is that she is a leaseholder and they have their own bathroom to use, so it shouldn’t be any extra burden in terms of capacity. She says he won’t be paying any rent, but she pays half the rent when I have my 12-year-old son living with us who also doesn’t pay rent, so if her partner moves in we’ll be even by each having a person to cover the rent for.
I’m uncomfortable with this and I told her so. She was surprised, upset, and disappointed, and thinks that I am treating her as a child and discriminating against her partner because of his weight. She is hoping that I’ll change my mind on this, but I have no intention of doing so.
AITJ?
Edit: we live in New Zealand where there is a rental crisis with availability below 2% and rents are cripplingly high. People working full-time are failing to get rentals due to a combination of huge rents and low availability. Daughter and her partner have almost zero chance of renting a place of their own with no rental history and one income.
Not their fault, these are hard times.
I can afford to pay the rent on my own, but it would make things tough and consume about 70% of my total income. We could do it if we ate beans and rice and nothing else. The situation is beneficial for both of us, as otherwise, my daughter would need to live with an elderly grandparent whom she clashes with quite badly.
She does have a say in everything that goes on in the house – pets are allowed on the lease so she has two small dogs now. Her bathroom has a spa bath, a separate enclosed shower, and a separate toilet, 12-year-old brother uses the en-suite bathroom in my room because he likes it better.
I do all of the cleaning and laundry except for cleaning her room because I never go in there. I try my best to give her a fair deal.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Pretend that your daughter is a roommate with whom you had a purely transactional relationship.
Would you be alright with your roommate inviting another adult to live in your home, rent-free? (Would your landlord have opinions?) If a roommate of mine ate my food on a regular basis without seeking permission or contributing, we would have serious words. This isn’t about the specific relationships that tie you, your daughter, and her partner together, it’s just Basic Roommate Etiquette 101 stuff.
Does this guy have a job? You mention your employment status and your daughter’s… the lack of info presented about his suggests additional red flags to me.” zizijohn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re treating her like a child because she has one foot in each world.
If she were a full roommate paying half of everything, she would be an adult and you’d need to consider this. She is getting the “young adult discount” and paying some but not all of what it really costs to live alone. Moving in is a third roommate and he’d need to pay a third, her a third, you a third.
Your son isn’t a roommate. She needs to understand the negotiation that needs to take place around the third roommate: rules, chores, costs, etc. That’s a full “draw up agreements to sign” commitment. And you’re not ready for that with these two young adults.
But let her hear under what circumstances you’d accept a third roommate.” Apotheuncary
Another User Comments:
“Firstly, NTJ if what you’re saying is 100% truthful. Secondly, if your daughter wants to live with her SO, they should get a place together and you find another adult who has a job to be the roommate.
I do have to mention though that his weight has no factor in this because I know people who are stick skinny and eat like a horse. My (44F) daughter’s (19) significant other (21) moved in with our family (myself, husband, 52) and son (14), and daughter (19) three years ago.
He had a HORRIBLE home life though and always contributes. He works FT at an Amazon warehouse, pays a nominal rent, has chores, and will even occasionally go to the market to get food and cook everyone dinner. There’s NEVER a time that he decides to order food delivery or even go to get food without asking the entire family if they want anything.
He’s absolutely respectful and grateful because he definitely wouldn’t be where he is today without us. He even starts school for his BBA at the end of Feb.” Gullible-Pilot-3994
7. AITJ For Hanging A Privacy Sheet On My Patio To Avoid Talking To Neighbors?
“For a bit of context: my husband and I are both late 20s and we have 3 kids, all school-aged, the youngest being 6. Both our youngest and middle child have ADHD, the middle child being pretty severe and the youngest having ODD on top of it.
My husband also has ADHD. Giving this info so you can get a picture of how insane and chaotic my household can be. There’s constant noise and destruction (most of which is accidental). We also have a hyper-energy anxious dog and 2 cats who do zoomies all night.
Moving on. I’m tired. I’m edging being touched out. My husband, who is very in tune to me, picks up on it almost immediately and instantly starts trying to make it easier on me. Telling me to leave and go get a break while he handles things.
That sort of thing. However, with gas prices being what they are and me not wanting to waste a dime, I simply go out on my porch with a coffee and a book most often while he wrangles the kids inside. We live in the city so when I’m on the porch there’s still a load of noise but it’s manageable.
However, recently they converted the apartment building directly behind ours into an adult group home. Currently, they have roughly 5 men living there. A few with Autism, one with special ed needs, and one with severe social anxiety. I know all this because recently if they see me on my porch, they all come out and start yelling across the way to speak to me.
My husband often engages with them, but I’m getting fed up. I want to relax, not engage in more conversation. However, I feel like a complete jerk and usually speak to them because it’s not their fault, and I’m sure they are lonely.
Well, last week I was hanging clothes on the porch and the man with social anxiety immediately came out, per usual. Starts trying to talk and I’m being polite.
I go back inside, wait till I see him go inside, and then go back out with my book. He comes right back out. I tell him I want to read and he just keeps talking. I politely dismissed myself and that afternoon went and bought a privacy sheet.
I hung it up immediately following getting home and read my book in peace behind the sheet. My husband says it’s “freaking rude” because they are just being friendly and now he feels like a jerk because of me being so dismissive and petty. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – people who are neurodivergent (ND) frequently have different understandings of social norms. To a neurotypical (NT), it is quite logical to think, “Oh, they’re reading or busy, I won’t disrupt them.” Whereas an ND person might think, “Oh!
There’s my friend. Let’s chat!” The boundary might simply not be learned. I’d imagine you have some experience with this since your house has a few ND folks. Since they’re in an adult group home, I’d imagine they do some work on boundaries and would appreciate you having a boundary with them.
It probably needs to be very clearly stated. Maybe the boundary can be “if the privacy sheet is up, they don’t want to talk to me. If it’s down, it’s time to party!”
I can see your husband’s perspective a bit too – I wonder if a conversation with the adults or their caregivers would have sufficed. “Hey, if I’m doing laundry or reading, I don’t want to have any interaction because I’m taking personal space.” But!
I am very influenced by my environment and would be distracted and annoyed if there was nowhere I could get peace without leaving my home. So, I think it’s totally cool to make yourself a little outdoor fort. Your husband can interact with them however he likes… and is the privacy sheet easily installed/removed?
Because it doesn’t have to be up all the time. In summary – you deserve a break from all the noise and chaos and your husband should 1) respect that, 2) value your clear headspace over the feelings of the adults in the group home, and 3) help you come up with an acceptable solution if he doesn’t agree with your current solution.” CaterpillarMental249
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – can’t he just roll up the sheet when he wants to be social? I feel like this could be framed as a win-win for you both. That you didn’t intend to be rude but felt like your personal boundaries were being crossed, so you need a physical boundary to have your alone time.
When he’s feeling social, he can choose to open the privacy sheet and chat with the neighbors. Everyone now has a choice, instead of being forced to engage. Just because others have a mental illness does not mean you can’t have boundaries, strong boundaries are actually an important aspect of living with/around people who have various disabilities, for everyone’s peace.” _ell0lle_
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk. – Dang, OP, that is unfortunate as heck. I would say NTJ, but those poor guys across the street can’t really help the way they are. Doesn’t mean you can’t be disabled and be a jerk, but it doesn’t seem like these guys are that.
You want your privacy, and you live across the way from a group home. They are being friendly, but they are disabled and do not understand that they are invading your personal time and space. There is also no way to reason with them in the same way you would a neurotypical individual. It’s not necessarily rude.
I think your husband is just an extra nice guy, so that’s the way he sees it. You’re not a bad person for wanting your time alone and not to be bothered.” TheSimpsonsAreYellow
6. WIBTJ For Moving Out Because My Roommate Stole My Trash?
It gets MUCH worse than just stealing from his trashcan.
“I (20M) have been sharing an apartment with my roommate (35M) since last January 2022.
So pretty much an entire year. Legally, we pay an equal amount, but it is his apartment, and I pay rent directly to him (i.e. his name is on the lease).
Everything was going pretty okay until the last couple of months when I started to feel a weird vibe.
First things first, he put a hidden camera in the living room in July but didn’t tell me until December. When I found the camera, he told me that I must have forgotten about that conversation and that it was hidden because it was a “security camera.”
Around that time, he started to do my laundry without asking, collecting my dirty laundry, and he also started to take my trash out of my room. I asked him if he was concerned about my hygiene habits, but he told me it was no problem for him to do that stuff.
I told him it was a problem for me, I was losing track of my clothes, and I was already missing some socks, and it was also something personal to me. He said, “Sure, no problem, just trying to help,” and that was it.
Now, the main point of conflict was: So, well, yeah I was having some alone me-time in my room.
I cleaned myself with a couple of Kleenex, and when I finished, I left my room to take a shower. When I came back, the Kleenexes were missing from the trash can. I noticed that because those couple of Kleenexes were the only trash in the entire bin.
He was in the apartment, so I went to his room and I asked him directly if he took the trash.
He told me, “Nah, I didn’t do anything,” so I made clear that the trash missing was specifically my dirty Kleenexes and that if he indeed took them, it’d be extra weird.
He got defensive and said I was insane and that was gross. He told me he was straight and that I knew he had a girl, so I must’ve been high or stupid to think he’d do something like that. He told me my smokes got me all paranoid and to grow up.
So yeah, that’s it. I’m creeped out, and I want to leave ASAP, but I don’t really want to have another conversation with him or pay him anything more. WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He installed a camera without asking beforehand, then blamed you for… forgetting it.
Is that something you’d forget? Why would he lie if he is? He’d then do your laundry and rubbish, and then misplace your socks AT BEST? And then your Kleenexes either phase out of existence, you misplaced it, or he took it. You asked if he took it and his reaction was, “No, I’m not gay.” I’m sorry… out of all the possible things to get upset about, s*******y isn’t one… is he implying that if you were a woman there’d be no problem with him taking it?!
Leave as fast as possible!” Wondernerd194
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There’s something not right, and unless you have some written agreement, there’s not a lot, legally, he can really do, especially if this stuff has been going on. I mean verbal contracts are as binding as written, but you may have to give a 30 day and pay for it just to be safe.
Giving a 30-day does not mean you have to stay there for the 30 days, but you will have to pay for the 30 days (and February usually counts as 30 days in my experience, so March 1st, you’d be free and clear if you turned in the notice today.)
Ask the property owner if they have rules against subletting. You may be able to escape the situation on that alone because while you two had an agreement that you would pay for your room, he can’t enforce rental laws upon you because your agreement was secondary to a rental agreement.
It unfortunately would cut the other way if he kicked you out (i.e. he wouldn’t need to evict you per se), but this could be your ticket out today free and clear.” Cfx99
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Dude is weird. If you can, leave.
And if it were me I’d notify the landlord so another unsuspecting innocent future roommate doesn’t go through this. I’d also tell his girl. What a weirdo. Also might wanna check your room for a hidden camera. Bookcases, under your bed, see if he hacked your laptop if you used that, run a check on your phone for what battery usage is being used on what, check the lights on the ceiling, check to see if the outlets are normal outlets.
Super easy to unscrew. Google other places people hide small cameras. Cuz it’s really odd he knew to remove them almost right away.” MyFairLady2203
5. AITJ For Saying Mean Things To My Cat?
“I rescued my cat (Leonidas) as a small kitten; literally found him in a ditch in October of 2021. He’s grown up with basically just me and a small apartment for the first year of his life, and we’ve both bonded more than I ever have with any other pet; we both love to go on motorcycle rides, me driving and him riding in a backpack pet carrier.
Just like when I come home, when I pull out the backpack he’ll give an excited squeak and run over to me. Recently my significant other, who also has a new kitten, has moved in with me. She also loves her kitten and would never do anything to hurt it, like me, or scare it ever.
I would say my girl takes a very soft motherly approach to raising her kitten, and I would say I take a more firm fatherly approach to my cat Leo. The problem, to my partner, comes when I greet my cat. After work, I’ll come home and, in a playful tone, say various phrases to Leo like, “Hey Leo!
Have you gotten significantly more obese since I’ve last seen you?” (He’s still very slim and more active than ever with the new kitten in the house.) Or “Sup Leo. Do anything productive for society today? No? Didn’t think so.” “How’s my favorite fat witch today?” “You run into a wall while I was gone?
You look significantly more ugly.” Various, rude phrases but always said and meant in a friendly, happy manner to my cat.
My girl always gets so upset at this though. Like, genuinely angry that I am insulting my cat and “bullying” him. I know pets can learn their names, can learn words and phrases, but I tell her that Leo would not understand English to such a degree to be saddened by these greetings, especially when presented in such a happy manner.
And it’s not the swearing that annoys her, she swears at things more than I do. She just gets genuinely offended when I direct it towards Leo, and angry that I find these interactions with my cat so amusing.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: but as a previously insecure person who has gone through MANY years of self-improvement, I will share my thoughts on why this bothers her so badly.
When I was at my lowest, I was very sensitive to tiny affronts. My low self-esteem would force my mind to do all these mental gymnastics until I was taking something normal and twisting it into something either directed at me or a part of someone’s deeper personality.
If your girl struggles with insecurities, it might be causing her distress hearing you say those things. It can be jarring for someone in that state to hear negative things in their loved one’s voice. I was always so worried that I was ugly, stupid, or overweight and that everyone was just too nice to tell me.
Hearing a trusted, beloved partner voice my insecurities, even though they weren’t directed at me, would give me a knee-jerk response, “If they’re saying those things then they think they’re bad, and I think I am those things so they must secretly hate me.
I bet when they’re talking to the cat, they’re actually talking to me.” It’s illogical, not true, and no amount of affirmation would fix it because it was all me. I was the one who couldn’t handle a normal situation, but I didn’t have the self-awareness or mental fortitude to recognize what was happening.
I could be 100% off base here, and your partner is just weird and doesn’t want you to hurt a cat’s feelings, but I doubt that. We all know in our human brains that I could call an animal ‘useless dumb ugly idiot’ all day, and they wouldn’t know I was insulting them.
I don’t have any advice because it’s a her problem. If she is insecure that way I am assuming (again, could be wrong!) she is the only one who can change, which comes with a looot of hard work. Worth it, but it’s not easy.
You should be able to banter with your cat and she is not in the right getting so upset at something this benign, but understanding what’s actually going on with her could be helpful going forward. Good luck, and tell that fat witch Leo I said hi.” Effwhatiwant
Another User Comments:
“YTJ—Probably not to the cat but definitely to your girl. She’s asking you to stop an unnecessary behavior that makes her uncomfortable in her own home. She sees Leo as a vulnerable creature who can’t defend himself. It may be triggering a memory of maltreatment she’s experienced or witnessed in the past. Or she might be highly sensitive and/or empathetic.
It doesn’t sound like she’s attacking you in any way, but she clearly feels like she’s witnessing an attack, and it’s directly affecting her happiness & comfort. You acknowledge & say that she’s genuinely offended at your words and alarmed at your amusement.
You can see that her feelings are real, so be respectful of them.” Last-Cricket1524
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk. Could she be worried that this is how you will treat your kids together in the future? You guys do seem to be seeing yourself as “parents” of these animals, so maybe she has a fear that you will talk that way to an actual child one day?
Or else actually some people really just don’t like to hear negative stuff about their pets lol, so that would be a more simple answer. I knew someone who owned the ugliest dog, but she didn’t love it when people called him ugly or stupid.
It wasn’t because she didn’t understand he couldn’t speak English; it’s because she could speak English, and she didn’t like it, lol.” throeawww
4. AITJ For Leaving My Roommate Without Food?
“For some context, my roommate J (23F) has a terrible habit of using people and honestly being a very manipulative person. For example, when we would go out for food, she would magically forget her debit card or wallet forcing either our other roommate A (roommate who moved out) or me (21F) to pay.
J would always promise she would pay us back but ultimately never would. J would also never contribute to groceries but eats everything in the kitchen including certain snacks A and I would buy just for ourselves. When confronted on this behavior, J would get really defensive and yell and complain about how she is broke and can’t believe how we were acting as friends.
This has left our relationship very strained, and I try not to interact with her if I can help it. I’m still very cordial and nice to her; I just don’t go out of my way to interact anymore.
This month has been very hard on me due to the fact that my grandmother passed away, and my mom ended up having a heart attack a couple of days later.
So between caring for my mom, planning my grandmother’s funeral arrangements, and balancing school, I’ve been back and forth between uni and my hometown (5-hour drive) for the last couple of weeks.
I have only been back in our apartment for a couple of days and now have the flu.
I feel absolutely awful. I have not bought myself groceries since I’ve been back because I’m sick, so I just go get food. I normally don’t say anything or ask J when I go get food for the reasons above, and plus, I’m sick and don’t want her to get sick.
But if J asks if she can come, we both go, and I make it clear we pay for our own food.
This time was no different. I left and got something to eat and came back to J upset. She started going off about how I didn’t get her anything, and I’m a terrible person to not think of her in her time of need (she wrecked her car).
I didn’t feel good, so I just walked away to my room. I hadn’t talked to J all day, so how would I know she was hungry? She has since been on the phone with everyone she knows about how I’m an awful person for letting her starve and not thinking of her.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. How is this girl affording to go to college and live on campus with a car, but she can’t afford food? And if it’s that bad, she could work one day a week and have money. And if she can’t do that, almost any church nearby will literally hand you free food if you need it.
Girl ain’t gonna starve. She’s being a baby, and expecting you to be her mommy. And the more you do it, the more she will expect it, and then when you don’t do it she’s gonna be surprised and mad. So you need to get rid of that expectation.
The kind way to put it is “J I’ve really got a lot on my plate and I just can’t take on responsibility for another person’s food needs, so I’m gonna need your help here and ask that you find another way to get food besides me.”” SquatCobbbler
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I had a roommate like that. 3 of us shared cooking duties but he would rarely cook, never go grocery shopping with the rest of the roomies, or pay for his share on time. But was the first one to eat and finish any leftovers.
The lazy bum didn’t even want to go pick up takeout because we would make him pay for the whole order, to make up for missed grocery payments. This behavior caused the second roommate to eat out more or at his friend’s place. I on the other hand started cooking big batches of food where he could clearly see me and know that there’s food, and just pack it up and refrigerate.
There were days when he only ate vegetarian food, so I deliberately cooked meats just to make sure he didn’t get a free meal. I may have behaved like a petty jerk at times, but he owed me too much money that I didn’t care to also let him eat for free.” lord_wizard_ninja
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she is not your responsibility or your problem honestly I would continue to do this and if she asked for something I would ask her to Venmo you the money before getting anything and letting her know that she is no longer your responsibility and you’re done letting her take advantage of you.
And stand your ground hard because she is completely taking you for a ride and if she doesn’t stop I would get a mini fridge in your room and start putting all your food in there and lock your door. You owe her nothing she’s just a roommate bro, don’t let her guilt-trip you.” shellyrad
3. AITJ For Throwing Away My Roommate's Omelet Maker Away Because She Didn't Clean It?
“I (F21) live with two roommates. This story mainly involves my roommate Lucy (F24).
Lucy is unemployed and doesn’t have any major commitments, her parents fund everything she needs.
She’s convinced one day she’s going to go viral on TikTok or YouTube and be a star. She spends most of her time at the home.
One thing you need to understand about Lucy is she spends an excessive amount of time in the kitchen cooking and videoing it.
She wants to go viral for her recipes, basically. Lucy doesn’t eat most of the stuff she cooks and just throws it in the trash. She also makes a great deal of mess cooking and doesn’t clean it up for days or even weeks.
This has only been going on for around two months so I think it might be a phase, who knows?
I just wanna emphasize how much time Lucy spends cooking, she’s probably in the kitchen for maybe like 7 hours every day cooking. My other roommate and I have asked her many times to tone it down as we often can’t use the stove or oven because she’s using them all but she tells us to wait until she’s finished.
She has crap tons of her own special kitchen appliances (blender, food processor, rice cooker, air fryer, etc). They are never put away and always lying around on the furniture or on the counters. We don’t have a lot of counter space so this is really annoying.
Lucy also has an omelet maker. A month ago, she used it for a video and cooked eggs with it and never washed it or anything, and there are loads of egg still stuck to it.
It has started to really stink. I’ve asked Lucy nicely three times over the past month to clean it and put it away before it grows its own ecosystem.
She says she will but never gets to it and always has an excuse like she just forgot or she’s already done lots of dishwashing, and she’s too tired.
I got fed up after it being like this for a whole month and I threw the whole omelet maker in the trash outside.
Lucy is obviously royally livid and told me I’m bullying her and acting like a disgusting human being, and that the omelet maker wasn’t hurting anyone.
I told her it freaking stinks of rotten eggs (literally) and I got tired of smelling it in the kitchen.
She said I’m being dramatic and overreacted and used it as an excuse to be horrible.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honestly, anytime you need space and there are dirty appliances she isn’t cleaning, put them in a trash bag and leave it next to her bedroom door.
Or be extra petty and film the aftermath of her videos and post that on TikTok as a “when your roommate uses the common kitchen for her TikToks.” Make her go viral. -Cheshire cat grin-
Had a relationship with an extremely messy girl. When things got out of hand, I’d put all the clothes and things she threw around in a trash bag and leave it somewhere where she could go through and figure it out later.
It always bothered her that I did that by using a trash bag, but again, as I said to her, “To me, after a while, it all looks like unwanted, discarded items. So I do what I usually do with discarded, unwanted items. The last step is bringing them to a donation spot, which I won’t.” She never really got rid of the habit, but the place looked nicer with less stuff thrown around and just a random trash bag always lying in a corner somewhere lol.
Also, that kind of lifestyle was part of the reason we broke up.
So don’t expect your roommate to change either.” DarienSatori
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When you need to use the kitchen, just start using the kitchen. Get a plastic tub (like a storage thing) and when Lucy leaves her crap out, just throw it in there, out of the way, and put the lid on if it stinks.
Tell your other roommate to do the same thing. If you come in, and she has made a mess, slide it on over or into the tub, take pictures for when she says you are “bullying” her, and tell her you can start posting these on your TikTok and will likely go viral for a “horrid roommate story” (I love those), so she can either start being a decent human being or all her crap can rot in a bin.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“ESH, she’s awful and wasteful, but you shouldn’t just throw out someone else’s property. If you’re having so much trouble with her then just look for somewhere else to live. Separately to the AITJ judgment, she maybe needs help? She seems to have an obsession and it’s always a shame to see another person sucked into thinking they can be viral/an influencer/whatever.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Yea, YTJ, but it was necessary. Anything that’s starting to rot can be hazardous to everyone’s health. You should start your own channel, Lucy’s Aftermath. With a few videos linking back to her, either she will get a clue, or her followers will give her plenty of heat about it.” Economy_Pea_5068
2. AITJ For Changing My Niece And Nephews' Routine Without Their Mom's Approval?
“Our niece and nephews (11M, 9F, 8M) were going to stay with us for a week while my husband’s sister and her husband went to a wedding out of state and made a vacation out of it.
SIL has always gotten parenting inspiration from celebrities and online blogs. The first clue something was off was when our niece came to us and told us that our son (14M) wasn’t giving her his Switch to play first. I explained to her that the Switch is his so she had to ask nicely for a turn, and it was up to him to share.
When it was time for the 8- and 9-year-olds’ bathtime I told them to get ready for their baths, our niece shouted “I’m first!” and went to get her stuff. At bedtime, I asked them what story they wanted to read, and again it was our niece who answered.
The following day they wanted to watch a show, and I told them to agree on one. Our niece went “We’re watching (show name here)”. I told her that she needed to talk to her brothers to find something all 3 of them agreed on. Her response was boys always pick everything so I took that to mean that her brothers often pick and let her put on the show.
When it was dinnertime, my husband called everyone to the kitchen and was plating food up for the kids on a first-come, first-serve basis. Our son got in there first and our niece told him that he needed to wait because she and Auntie go first because girls go first. My husband explained that at dinner time dinner is served as you get in the kitchen or take turns so no one goes first all the time.
The bathtime and bedtime story was the same thing – she wanted to go first and pick first, so I told her since she got to go first with both the night prior, one of her brothers got to go first that night. She said that she was supposed to go first because ‘girls first’ and that’s how their parents do it.
Here’s where I may be a jerk – I explained to her that in our house, we share and we take turns. That’s how things went for the next two days until their parents called and she told my SIL that we weren’t following the rules.
I talked to SIL and she was upset that I changed the kids’ routine without talking to her about it first because she was just trying to provide an environment for her daughter where she would take precedence. I told SIL she never mentioned these ‘rules and routines’ when she asked us to keep the kids and even if she had, I wouldn’t have agreed to them since they would, and have, impacted my own child.
I also told her she’s not providing an environment to make her daughter feel valued and special, she’s raising her to be entitled and being unfair to her sons. The following day my husband’s parents showed up to pick up the kids and since then, his relationship with his sister has been strained. AITJ for deviating from their routine instead of bringing it up to my SIL first?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But, why are so many adults playing into this delusional woman’s beliefs? Why is her husband allowing, and actively treating his sons this way, why are your husband’s parents allowing, and actively treating their grandsons this way? Has your brother told his sister the damage she’s doing by neglecting her sons?
Has he asked why his parents allow it? I would be rethinking their relationship with my child if they are all ok with neglecting the other two boys. What is wrong with them all? How do they accept it? Everyone who allows the unfair treatment of the boys to continue is the jerk.
I would forward these replies to every adult that is letting those boys down, with an email telling them they’re all toxic and suck.” petereeflea
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Because you didn’t deviate from a routine exactly. The kids still ate dinner, brushed their teeth, and went to bed (I assume).
What you did is refuse to enforce a rule. My opinions on your SIL’s rule aside, the rules can be different in different places. Kids have different rules at school than at home, they understand that and are fine with it. They can also understand there being different rules at different houses.
(I am mentioning this because this is the approach I’d take with your SIL if you care about preserving the relationship.) This is especially key because you have kids of your own, and it’d be confusing as heck for them to see other kids follow different rules in their home.
Deviating from routines can sometimes be justified but it’s a higher bar. Kids need routines to function well.” Gloomy_Ruminant
1. AITJ For Feeling Uncomfortable That My Ex Is A Groomsman At My Best Friend's Wedding?
“I (33f) have been best friends with Tammy (30f) for the last 15+ years, since my senior year in high school.
In 2010, I was with my ex Nick (32m). We were together for almost two years.
He had a roommate Shane (32m), and I thought Shane and Tammy would be a good match. I set up a double outing with the four of us, and Tammy and Shane hit it off and have been together ever since. They recently got engaged and are planning their wedding.
Some necessary context before I continue: Nick was a heavy drinker and toxic. He had an affair on me with multiple other women. He eventually turned to other substances, and I managed to escape after almost a year of psychological maltreatment that had turned physical. Tammy and Shane knew this, but still, Nick and Shane remain good friends to this day.
Moving on to present day.
Tammy asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding (her sister is her maid of honor) and I found out Nick was also going to be a groomsman. Granted, I was aware that Nick and Shane were friendly this whole time, but I didn’t know they remained this close.
I decided to talk to my therapist about it first before I confronted Tammy. My therapist recommended I set some boundaries because I really didn’t want to miss my best friend’s wedding and have my ex take yet another moment from my life.
I told Tammy I was feeling really nervous about having to see Nick. Initially, she didn’t understand because it’s been ten years since I’ve last seen or spoken to him, and I’m married now. I agreed that Nick is in my past, and I’ve processed it but I don’t know what it will feel like to see him again and set these boundaries:
Sit us at different tables.
Let me walk down the aisle with another groomsman.
If there are moments when the bridal party is hanging out together, like to take pictures, etc., let my husband be there.
Don’t make me stand next to him or touch him in photos.
Tammy’s response was awful. She kicked me out of the wedding and said no matter what, she was now going to have anxiety about me and Nick at her wedding, and she shouldn’t have any more stress on that day. I even reassured her I was working with my therapist, but she didn’t care.
When I confronted her about having Nick at her wedding at all, she snapped at me and said she’s not going to tell Shane what to do and can’t control his friends.
Tammy hasn’t spoken to me since. She unfollowed me on social media and it’s been months now.
I don’t want to reach out first, because I feel like this isn’t my fault, but it’s hard to believe this is just the end? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I say this gently, but I’m genuinely concerned because of how accommodating you were trying to be in this nightmare situation.
Tammy’s soon-to-be-husband being best buddies with a guy who is a terrible person reflects poorly on him. Having him at his wedding, in the wedding party, where the woman he mistreated will be is despicable. But, what really baffles me is that your “best friend” is totally cool with your ex being at her wedding, in the wedding party, and then wanted you to be in her wedding party and act like everything’s cool.
This is, of course, not even getting started on her tantrum over you (rightfully) not wanting to be around your ex.
I would never have been in the wedding party. I would not have attended the wedding. And even before her reaction to you, I would have ended this relationship and cut ties as soon as she made it clear she cared more about keeping the peace with my ex than she did me.
But the good news is… This insufferable jerk beat you to it and decided to remove you from this entire mess of a situation. And while I’m genuinely sorry you are hurting and that this happened, I think it’s a good thing that you have an excuse to cut all future attempts at contact.
She wasn’t a friend to you and clearly didn’t care at all about how any of this made you feel. Just so we’re clear though, you’re literally the only person in this entire situation who isn’t a jerk.” Alarmed_Jellyfish555
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all.
You deserve better. You deserved better than a friend who would let your ex stay in their life as a friend, even if just a casual one through her partner. You were willing to put yourself in an uncomfortable and possibly traumatic situation for her, and she wasn’t willing to give a few small concessions or even compassionately let you know she couldn’t accommodate you.
She is a bad friend. You are a good one.” 1568314
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I wouldn’t have blamed you for straight up saying you won’t even be present at the wedding as a guest, let alone, won’t be in the same wedding party. The fact that you were still willing to be in the same party as your toxic ex but just wanted some basic steps taken to limit your interactions is pretty incredible to me.
She has the option of saying we can’t accommodate these things and then you would have had a decision to make. Her response took that off the table, and if she can’t see why you wouldn’t want to interact with your ex, no matter how much time has elapsed, she and the groom are most definitely the jerks.” Zestyclose-Egg6211
