People Question If We'll Agree With Their Actions In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
13. AITJ For Not Attending My Wife's Christmas Party Due To My Ex's Passing?
“My wife and I have been married for 3 years. Ever since we met I’ve gone with her to a holiday party hosted by her and her best friend. It’s a fairly large party, that grows every year. This year I did not attend, my wife is still pretty upset about why I didn’t.
Two days before the party I was notified my ex fiancée had passed. I didn’t know the details, but it hit me very hard. To be honest, towards the end of things we didn’t have the best relationship and I’ll spare those details.
She was an addict and had relapsed which heavily influenced the ending of our relationship. I went through a lot of grief leaving her in that state, maybe it hit me because I feel like I didn’t do enough to help her.
In any case, I was pretty down and did not feel like socializing. I told my wife I was going to skip the party. When I was first notified I told my wife to which she said, “I’m sorry, are you ok?“ I thought she would understand my reasoning, but she did not.
She was quite offended I was bothered enough about my ex that I wouldn’t feel up to her party.
After the party, she came home and said, “I can’t believe you’re this upset about some junkie.” I was honestly taken aback by her cold, callous attitude.
My ex was a daughter, a mother, a sister. She was somebody that was messed up in life. I spent the next several days and into Christmas putting on a fake happy face and tried not thinking about my ex.
Over the weekend I had more calls about the details involving her death, which further upset me. My wife noticing something was off with me asked if I still loved her (my ex), and is that why I’m ‘devastated.’ She said it’s weird how I’m mourning the loss of my ex when I haven’t had anything to do with her in years.
I explained to my wife she (my ex) was my first love and I did love her as a person.
Last night I told my wife I will be attending my ex’s funeral and I’d like for her to come if she wanted. She became angered by that, saying she doesn’t want to go near a junkie’s funeral because the place will be full of addicts.
Which might be partially true but I think I should be allowed to pay my last respects regardless. She told me if I end up going, ‘we’re going to have problems.’ I don’t know what she meant by that, but she threw in my face how this ‘ruined’ our holiday and again stated she can’t believe I missed her party because of my ex.
She told me I need to seek professional help because it’s not normal for a married man to be upset about his ex dying.
I began thinking maybe she was right; I don’t know why I was mourning her loss.
I began asking myself if I still had feelings for my ex, but in my head, I knew things were done. I wouldn’t have married my wife if I felt things weren’t finished with a previous relationship. I’ve practically stopped myself from grieving because I guess it shouldn’t have mattered to me.
I asked my wife if she’d be upset if her ex died, and she said that’s different because she shares a child with him.”
Another User Comments:
“Wow. NTJ. However, your wife sounds extremely insensitive at best and a total jerk at worst. I’m a recovering addict and I know how incredibly hard it is to get out of that.
It almost always stems from trauma and trying to escape the feelings associated with that. Maybe she’s ignorant, as many people are, but it’s still so nasty of her to speak of someone like that. Even if she doesn’t understand it.
That was someone’s mother, daughter, and sister that died, as you said. What awful things to say about that person. I’m surprised that doesn’t bother you more as it shows what kind of person she is.
I have lost many people in my past to addiction, including an ex.
My husband was very understanding of my need to grieve, go to the funerals, and understood when I struggled on the annual day my ex died, even 12 years later. He has never spoken negatively about anyone. He was able to put any selfishness or jealousy aside for what I needed in the moment.
Anything less than that is not fair to you.
You are allowed to mourn and grieve however you feel you need to. If she doesn’t give you time to do that, then maybe you should be the one to tell her that you will have problems. I’m so sorry that your ex didn’t make it out of addiction.
Take care of yourself.” Anatella3696
Another User Comments:
“ESH but I think you slightly more than the wife.
I understand it’s shocking. I was just starting a new relationship and found out my ex had been life-flighted for an intoxicated driving accident.
This was just a few months after we broke up. To add salt to the wound, I’m an EMT and knew the people who life-flighted him and I was at work right before, and his drinking and sometimes driving was the reason we broke up.
And my coworkers knew this because I had panicked about it frequently. I freaked the heck out when my friend who was still friends with him told me! This was a man I truly loved. We talked about marriage and babies and a house and everything.
But he consistently hurt me and risked his and others lives and I couldn’t deal with that anymore.
I didn’t let it prevent me from living my life. I felt awful that it happened to him, and I asked for casual updates just to know he was alright because I still didn’t want him to die from this mistake.
But I didn’t get in contact with anyone in his life aside from the one mutual friend. There was no need and that would be reopening old wounds and not be conducive to me moving forward. I didn’t visit.
I know this is slightly different because my ex ended up surviving however, I don’t think you handled this well.
I think you getting in contact with these people from the past is playing with fire. I think it was awful that you missed arguably the biggest holiday of the year with the person who is supposed to be most special to you.
She may have been more understanding of you if you had considered her feelings more. What is done is done. It’s sad that your ex died. I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to go to her funeral (and maybe be perceived as such by her friends and family anyway).
I think you had some unresolved issues from this ex and your wife is just now seeing it and being put on the back burner and she’s acting out.” rainbowsparkplug
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sorry, but your wife is cold and callous.
This is a very mean-spirited response to the death of someone you once loved and cared about. I went out with a guy in freaking middle school (7th-8th) and he died tragically at 25. I was crushed! And guess what, my husband supported me through it because I still cared for him.
The fact that she was your ex-fiance who you had love for makes your wife even more of a jerl. I don’t care that she was stuck in addiction. She was still a human who deserves to be mourned by those who loved her and remember her, despite her flaws.
Way to be jealous of a dead person, sheesh.” Ok-Context1168
12. AITJ For Declining To Take My Ex-Wife As My Plus-One To Our Son's Wedding?
“My son is 22, my daughter is 18. Six years ago my daughter caught my wife with another man. She told her brother who understood what she had witnessed then they both came and told me. I verified that it was true then I divorced my wife.
During the divorce hearing, both of them expressed a desire to stay with me so I was given primary custody with her getting 1 week a month. She moved in with the other guy.
I have done my best to cut my ex out of my life.
Our communication is limited to the bare minimum needed to coordinate custody and shared expenses and I have never talked about our relationship to my kids. Initially, after the divorce, she told me that our kids were “giving her heck” when it was her custody and that I needed to talk to them.
I sat them down and asked if it was true and they said they didn’t want to stay there, but I explained that it would be best for everyone if they remained civil until they turned 18 so we wouldn’t have to go back to court.
I didn’t get complaints after that so it seemed to be working.
When my son turned 18 he moved back in with me full-time and started college. He graduated now and is getting married in a few months. My daughter turned 18 last summer and moved back in with me full-time too.
My ex-wife called me today and she started crying saying that she was not invited to my son’s wedding. Then she told me that my son hadn’t talked to her in over a year. He had still been dropping in after turning 18 to visit his sister sometimes but eventually stopped doing that too.
Likewise, apparently, my daughter stopped talking to her after turning 18 too. Then my ex-wife asked if I would bring her as my plus one so she could see her son getting married, but I told her if my son didn’t invite her it wasn’t my place to bring her.
Then she started accusing me of turning them against her and threatening to take me to court, but I told her that there was no more custody agreement to take to court since both of them are above 18 and I hung up.
I sat down with both of them later and asked them if they had cut contact with their mother and they both admitted it. I explained to them that they did not need to do that for my sake and I still recognize she’s their mother, but they both said they had talked about it a lot and their plan was always to hold out until they were 18 but they had no desire to be around her or the other guy because she had destroyed our family.
I told them that they are adults and if that’s their decision I won’t pressure them to change it.
I was telling my sister what happened and to my surprise, she said my son wasn’t being fair and I should make him invite his mother to the wedding.
AITJ for refusing the attempt?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Their mother had six years to work on the damage she caused to the relationship with her children. Apparently, she didn’t use that time to rebuild, to apologize, to accept her responsibility for how she hurt them.
That they have made the hard choice to stop having a relationship with her, is about their relationship with her and her behavior towards them. They are protecting themselves from someone who hurt them and hasn’t done the work to heal the relationship.
Instead of taking responsibility, your ex thinks she can make you fix this situation to give her what she wants. That’s a typical behavior for someone that is manipulative or emotionally manipulative to others. She tried to make you be her “flying monkey” and sabotage your own relationship with your son by taking her to the wedding.
This is all about her, and what she wants, and she doesn’t seem to understand or care about what complying with her wants would do to you, or to your son, or to the relationship between you.
This isn’t your fault.
It’s not your son’s fault. It’s not your daughter’s fault. It’s the ex’s fault that she didn’t work to build a relationship and repair the damage that she did to the relationship with the kids. It’s her fault that she’s putting her own wants ahead of the needs of her children.
And that is most likely why her children have cut contact with her, because this isn’t a sudden new behavior, but a continuation. Ex seems to think that she should get the rewards of parenthood when she didn’t do the actual work of being a parent, and building a healthy relationship with the kids when they needed her to do that.
Your sister is wrong. Your son is an adult and gets to make his decisions now. It’s not her place to tell him that he’s not allowed to protect himself from someone who hurt him for years. It’s not her place to tell him that he has to invite someone who holds a title but hasn’t done the work to earn that title for him.
Your sister has no idea what your children went through at their mother’s house, that made them both decide to walk away as soon as they legally could. Your sister needs to learn to respect the decisions of others, even if she doesn’t understand them.” blueberryyogurtcup
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ. And neither of your kids are either. They have every right to set boundaries or go NC with people who are not healthy for them. Your sister is wrong to not respect your adult son’s choices, boundaries, and feelings.
Your kids are legal, competent adults making their own decisions. Even though you’re the dad, and in dad mode, you don’t have the authority to make them do anything.
And you shouldn’t. Your new role to adult children is to help guide them through the transition into adulthood and support them in their journey as adults.
You can offer advice and listen to their concerns and issues, but ultimately they should be respected for their decisions. Even if you think they are not the correct ones. You can express your feelings and concerns, but you should not be trying to control them.
If you do agree with them, then no one else’s opinions matter. Nor should you entertain their opposing complaints.
If the kids decided to go NC with their mother, that’s their choice. Only they truly know how much pain and suffering they felt because of their mother and if they can overcome it or not.
It may just be more than the affair and divorce. Which was probably quite traumatic for a 12ish-year-old girl to witness her mom’s infidelity and then have to be the one to break it to her dad. Not to mention, that’s a pretty inappropriate way to learn about bedroom time.
Your son was a great big brother and support system for her. I’m sure it upset him that his mom put your daughter in that position aside from breaking up your marriage and family. He’s got every reason to be angry as well.
He too had to be the messenger and the bearer of bad news to you and his baby sister about mom’s dirty deeds. I’m sure he didn’t appreciate having to give his sister any kind of talk.
No kid should have to be in the position your kids were in.
Plus, they’ve lived the last six years having to endure their mother and her attitude and behavior. I’m guessing that she tried forcing a relationship with her affair partner on her kids too.
And possibly even picked fights with them because of their distance and disgust towards her. It’s probably not as cut and dried as it seems as it sounds like your kids like to keep you in the dark regarding their mother these days.
Probably because they’ve already severely hurt you because of her actions and they don’t ever want to do that again.
As for the wedding, you did everything correctly by not agreeing to take your ex-wife as your plus one.
You definitely should not be disrespectful to your son that way. And if she’s not invited, she’s not welcome. She’s not entitled just because she is their mother.” Gorgeous-Angelface
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This is about a lot more than your ex being unfaithful to you.
Most of them forget that they don’t just have an affair on their spouse. All the time and effort they pour into being with the affair partner for those all-so-important moments away are at the expense of their family, not just their spouse.
She took time away from her kids to be with him. Then when it all blew up she did nothing to repair the rift.
After the divorce, she needed to take time away from any romantic relationships to focus on the children.
She should have acknowledged how she hurt them, and destroyed their sense of security and trust. There should have been family therapy to try and help them heal. My guess, she did none of that, instead calling you when they were distant and rightfully angry to make them behave so she didn’t have to try.
Your son’s wedding is a consequence of all of those actions and more. It’s your son telling her, you never put me first, you never cared if I was alright or let me be heard and rage. You used my father and the courts to make me pretend to be okay with what you were doing because it was easier for you.
You never cared about me as your son the way I needed you to and this is the only way I can make you feel the pain.
Let’s be very clear. For your ex-wife, this isn’t so much about seeing her only son married as it is about not looking bad to the world.
Respect your son in a way that his mother never did. This is the biggest way he can show her how much she hurt him over the years. Let him have the day without her drama and her making his day all about her.” MaryAnne0601
11. AITJ For Banning My Sister From My House After She Yelled At My Son?
“My son (17m) loves the water. Ever since he was little, he’s always wanted to be either at the beach or the pool. He loves to swim, surf, etc. and I mean it when I say it’s his favorite thing.
We live near a beach so sometimes he’ll just go sit at the beach for a while. It’s something he’s been doing since he was 12.
My sister and her kids were visiting and it was going fine.
But then I noticed my son was never home. I asked him about it and he said that it’s just really overwhelming at the house because his cousins never leave him alone (they’re 8 and 9-year-old girls that adore him) so he just goes to the beach to avoid them.
I told him I understood and talked to my sister who said she’d talk to them.
Well, yesterday I came home to my nieces sitting in the living room watching a movie. My son and sister were nowhere to be found.
Neither of them was answering the phone either. I’m not usually concerned but my son always sends me a text or answers my phone calls at least.
I got the girls and went to the beach and found my son at his usual spot.
But my sister was there too and she was yelling at him. She said something along the lines of “you do realize that you aren’t in some film where the main character‘s like connected to the sea or has magic ocean powers right?
Like… you realize that you aren’t like that Percy Jackson character and your dad isn’t some sea god?”
My son looked incredibly upset and he has an explosive temper so I knew he was about to say something crazy so I immediately jumped in and asked my sister what the heck her problem was.
She looked taken aback but said that she told my son to watch the girls while she went to get food but when she came back he wasn’t there and the girls were alone.
My son insists that he said he was busy but my sister insists that he didn’t.
They went back and forth on this without letting me get a word in and I eventually just told my sister that this wasn’t working out and that if she was going to fight and argue with my son and mock him then she isn’t welcome in my home.
She looked shocked and said that I need to stop coddling my son and stop feeding into his ridiculous delusions. I just told her to pack her crap. She said that her daughters will remember this and that I shouldn’t be surprised when no one wants the weird side of the family (meaning my son and me) around anymore.
I feel bad because her daughters looked genuinely upset and I mean my son could be lying as well. And I don’t know, maybe his love for the water isn’t healthy but that’s never crossed my mind before.
AITJ?
Edit: I suppose the mocking doesn’t make sense without context. My child’s father left us. When my son was younger, my brother got him into the Percy Jackson books and my son got pretty attached to the character and would tell people that he was the character and would say that his dad was similar to Poseidon which is why he wasn’t around.
I haven’t read the books so I don’t know the details but it was for a very short while when he was a lot younger. He hasn’t even mentioned Percy Jackson in years.
And to be fair to my sister, she texted me before leaving the girls and made sure I’d be there soon.
I doubt she would’ve left if I wasn’t nearby.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It sounds like your son has some issues – temper for one – but wanting to be alone and enjoying the water certainly aren’t bad things.
He needs coping mechanisms (we all do) and if he doesn’t enjoy being around lots of people in his home, or just around smaller children, that’s okay.
Let’s say he did leave the girls after agreeing to watch them, your sister’s reaction was not appropriate.
That’s not her child and the emergency is over once she is home, so no need to yell or discipline in the moment (aka, if I see a child that is not mine running with scissors, I will stop them, if a child ate a bunch of cookies while I wasn’t looking, I will tell their parents, not yell at them, because the kid can’t uneat the cookies).
She also took it way too far by not just saying she was upset/he was wrong but attacking his basic character. Talk about a temper issue.
I think the most likely scenario is she didn’t ask him to watch the kids, but told him and he just stayed quiet and she didn’t leave room for discussion.
And at 17, that tracks and while not great, not at the level of problem that your sister made it.
She’s also gonna look real dumb when he conjures sea creatures to save the world.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is really quite simple.
He most definitely had no part in making those kids, so he has no duty to raise them. Watching them occasionally could be part of his chores (though the actual parents would be jerks for making their kids somebody else’s chore), but that still would not mean that he is the on-call babysitter 24/7.
So your sister ordered him to do a job that isn’t his to do, left her children without having explicit confirmation that they would be taken care of, and then left them again (knowing that no one was watching them) to go verbally mistreat your son for not doing something that he didn’t have to do in the first place, as a screwed up form of discipline that wasn’t even hers to hand out.
Having a jerk stay in your house is risking your son’s health and safety, thus kicking her out is the right thing to do to protect your son, the one person in this story who you have a duty to.” Inner_Cauliflower_84
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re right that there was no reason for her to insult him like that. Him going to the beach is pretty much the equivalent of him locking himself up in his room—which is really common for teenagers to do for personal space and privacy.
On top of that, she can’t demand that he be her babysitter whenever she wants; he’s not her son and those kids aren’t his responsibility.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she wanted the free childcare and kept pushing her kids to go hang out with your son, and got mad when he kept sending them right back to her.
And. What the heck is she talking about delusions? Does she think that your 17-year-old actually believes he’s a book character? It sounds like she heard him talk about the book when he was a kid but then never adjusted that view of him from when he was a kid.
It’s a weird hangup considering he was trying to cope with his dad leaving. I wonder if there’s any resentment if she assumes he’s waiting for Dad? Who knows. Either way, it’s a very narrow-minded assumption.” ctortan
10. AITJ For Refusing To Stay At A Birthday Party After Being Told I Couldn't Eat Inside?
“My friend group had a surprise party for one of our friends last night. Kim offered to host the party at her house and make the food for it, the rest of us would just show up right after getting off work to decorate and set up.
Kim is vegan which is fine and dandy, the only problem is I have a soy allergy. Kim knows about this. I never expect her to go out of her way to alter what she makes for my sake, there’s just an agreement between us that it’s not very often I can eat what she makes because she uses a lot of soy-based condiments and substitutes.
However, since this was a party taking place after work and was supposed to last awhile, I asked Kim if she could hold off on certain legumes and the like in at least one thing she makes so I could eat while at the party.
She said she would try.
For my part, I packed myself an extra lunch to keep in a cooler throughout the day. It didn’t consist of any meat but there were eggs and items made with mayo or yogurt. I intended to eat it before the party started while decorating but I wasn’t hungry at that point.
Once the party started I did munch on some cut-up vegetables but they weren’t cutting it and I got really hungry. Kim had made two things of mashed potatoes but she couldn’t remember which bowl had been made with soy milk and which had been made with almond milk.
I went out to my car and brought my pack inside so I could eat something. Kim came over to me and said she could smell the mayo and told me to eat in my car, that she was fine that I wasn’t eating what she had made but I knew she has a vegan household and doesn’t allow non-vegan foods in.
Mind you, it’s January, nighttime, and cold as heck outside. I wasn’t going to argue with her because it was her house and didn’t want to ruin the party by addressing the issue right there, but I also didn’t want to have to speed eat while sitting in my car or make frequent trips outside just to snack, so I said good-bye to our friend who’s birthday it was and left.
A couple hours later I started getting a bunch of texts asking why I had left so early in the night. I said it was because I was hungry, but some of our friends kept pushing because they had seen me come inside with my pack after saying I was grabbing food so I was honest with them that it was because Kim told me to go eat in my car.
Some of our friends are split now and think Kim should’ve been willing to be flexible since it was at night and really cold outside, and others are siding with her. Kim is just mad and thinks I started drama on purpose.
AITJ for leaving after she told me to eat in my car?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You clearly expressed your needs and asked for a well-justified, easy-to-oblige accommodation from a host who volunteered herself in the first place. Then you went ahead and prepared a backup plan just in case.
On the other hand, Kim is a host. Therefore she has the responsibility to accommodate her guests to the best of her abilities. Also, an allergy is an important point to consider and offering only some mashed potato that may or may not be harmful to you is at best distasteful and at worst malicious.
On top of that, her refusing to accommodate your backup plan is very unwelcoming and unfriendly and it being winter or night doesn’t even matter under the circumstances she created in the first place that led you to opt for eating your own food.
(and it’s your relationships with these people so maybe it’s no place to comment on that part, but if it were me, I’d start questioning the sincerity of those friends who don’t find a problem with the way Kim treated you.)” bartowsking
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You weren’t rude about leaving and followed Kim’s rules. However, Kim literally created an environment where you were unable to eat. That’s kinda not ok. She was a bad host in that regard. Forgetting which dish was actually safe for you to eat was a biggie (seriously, there was no need to use soy milk for mashed potatoes at all, and that was certainly a choice.
Oat milk probably would have tasted best there anyway, above both soy and almond milk cause almond milk mashed potatoes sounds awful and her choices in that dish alone make me question her cooking abilities to begin with). If she wants to hold fast to her rules, that’s one thing, but you do not need to stay and eat in your car either, cause that’s unreasonable.
It is also ridiculous to expect someone with a soy allergy to keep a vegan meal on hand when she can’t even create a meal without soy for one night, either, while staying vegan.
In the future, I would avoid gatherings at Kim’s place altogether because she doesn’t take your allergy seriously, and her food is an active hazard to you since she commonly uses an ingredient you can’t eat.
And now you know she cannot be trusted to accommodate your allergy even when she says she will.” whichwitch9
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
And wait, the only food she (Kim) made that might not contain soy sauce was mashed potatoes?
Nothing else? I mean, I like mashed potatoes, but it is a side dish, I don’t just want a dinner that consists only of mashed potatoes (if it were chips that’s another matter entirely)
And then she got upset with you for bringing in food, that yes, contained eggs and milk, but she didn’t cater for you.
You didn’t bring your food in to be rude or to insult her vegan views, you were hungry and your food, you knew, didn’t contain soy. What did she want, you to have an allergic reaction because you ate her food?
That’s a great way to remember a surprise birthday party, an emergency trip to the ER.
She is being completely unreasonable and you know, if the situation was reversed, you hosting a party and you can’t remember which is the vegan-made mashed potatoes, she would be up in arms about it.
Except you know, her vegan lifestyle I’m guessing is a choice, while you have an allergy that will make you very sick, if not, possibly kill you if not appropriately treated.
Again, NTJ.” SapphireShelle91
9. AITJ For Not Approving Of My Wife Applying For College?
“My wife currently has 3 degrees and honours in one of them.
She is a SAHM currently but our third child is now three so she recently brought up going back to uni to get her master’s.
The issue is we are broke. We have survived because of assistance from our parents when we are too far in the red.
When we got together she had two degrees. Soon after we got together she quit her job to go back to uni. I supported her through this as I had the finances from recently selling a house. When she finished she was supposed to be super employable with two complimentary degrees.
She finished but went back to casual work again. We then had our first child and bought a house. This exhausted all our savings.
When our baby was 8 months she went back to uni to do honours. Childcare pushed our budget but was just achievable.
After honors, she got part-time work in the field, but her hours were so low that it didn’t cover the cost of parking and childcare. She stayed there until we had our second child. She hasn’t worked since.
I have sold any hobby equipment that has value and given up all my hobbies. The only discretionary spend we have left is her sport which we try to maintain to give her an outlet away from the kids.
When she brought up going back to uni I simply asked how we could pay for it?
We left it at that.
Separately we had discussed her going back to work as well, which we agreed to. She did apply for 1 job but was unsuccessful in the final stage.
When she told me she had applied and was successful I thought she was going to get the job so I wasn’t upset financially, though a little miffed about not discussing it with me since it affects us both.
She has told me that it has no cost because the fees can be deferred. She ignores any discussion about how we will afford childcare.
There was a $95 application fee that pushed us overdrawn and got us a $250 fine.
When she didn’t get the job she then said it was good because she could go to uni now.
I got upset asking how we would pay for it? She told me I should be congratulating her because the process was really long and hard (4 months and several applications and interviews) and she “had to do it by herself because she couldn’t tell me as I would tell her not to do it.” I agreed because we can’t afford it and she called me jealous because I couldn’t go to uni (because I couldn’t afford it.
She comes from money, I do not). I accused her of being a professional student with no intention to work.
I have also suggested I be a SAHD and she go back to work as her qualifications would enable her to earn roughly double what I can but she refused because “kids need their mother”.
She has no issue putting them into childcare though.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your wife clearly suffers from some measure of affluenza, because everything you’ve described suggests an overgrown child with not even the barest hint of understanding about finances much less a real-world view that is functioning.
She wants to put your kids into childcare, but thinks she’s still as active among them as a SAHM, she believes can be deferred as if that equals being nullified, and she thinks being a professional student with zero or spotty work experience is enviable.
You can have 20 degrees and that’s not going to really make you employable if you’re on the wrong side of 30 or 35 with nothing to show for that except endless schooling.
Frankly, the way she talks about signing up for school makes her sound like a glorified child.
“See, I did it all by myself~” Congratulations, you’re a vaguely functional sugar baby who didn’t need either of your daddies’ hands in helping you through a basic process of adulthood.
Honestly? I’m thinking you need to cut her off from family finances at this point.
Tell her that any fees will be paid for by her if she’s going to take them on, because she isn’t even aware how much she’s screwing you over, because dude you’re drowning keeping your head above water and she’s meanwhile riding on your back, affixing lead weights to herself, because it’s preferable to doing a little bit of paddling.” MundanePlanet
Another User Comments:
“Wow, she absolutely refuses to work. Nothing to do with the kids needing their mother clearly, the fact she’s happy to put them in PAID childcare that YOUR SINGLE SALARY pays for is the most obvious evidence of that although there are other signs that’s just something she’s saying.
I always say if I won the lotto, after all the usual buying a house, paying off debts, a long holiday….what I’d do first is go back and do another degree for fun (I always wanted to do linguistics e.g. but not exactly a huge profit maker haha).
She’s living the lotto life while you don’t even have a single hobby….. how is that fair?
I would take drastic measures to nip this in the bud – can you leave for your parents for a bit to clear your head for a few days?
Gather your thoughts, do some research and start with proposing EMERGENCY marriage counselling as well as financial counselling with a qualified advisor.
NTJ. I feel bad for you OP.” GratificationNOW
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are correct, she wants to be a professional student, which there is no problem with if she had the means to pay for it or if she was being paid to do it.
It’s not fair to you that she is putting herself before her family. Sometimes it’s better to cut off those who drag everybody else down with them. She prefers her kids go hungry or homeless to get a master’s while she already has 3 degrees and no job.
If you do get a divorce file for full custody of your children, make sure you keep your house. This way she can be “free” to work on her master without you having to carry her on your back while making sure your kids are well taken care of.
She will resent you if she doesn’t go, she will resent you if she has to be taking care of her children and not go, she will resent you for going and taking your kids with you… she will resent you no matter what (unless you keep paying for her to study, but if you do your kids will end up resenting you and you will resent her)… so choose what will be best for you and your kids.” Girly_geek_
8. AITJ For Allowing My Dad To Embarrass My Future Mother-In-Law At My Engagement Party?
“My father has many faults. I am well aware of these and therefore tend to keep our interactions private. I still love him and I have developed a system to keep him from screwing me over.
When my fiance asked me to marry him I said yes. And then I went and privately told my dad about it. We had a nice dinner with my fiance and that was that.
My FMIL wanted to have an engagement party.
I was fine with it. I just requested that she not invite my father. I explained that we had a strained relationship and that I preferred to keep him at a distance. She agreed.
I guess she thought she knew better than me.
She wanted to “fix” our relationship and the first step was inviting him to her home for a party.
When I met my dad for dinner I specifically chose a restaurant that didn’t have a liquor license. And we went right after work.
His car has a breathalyzer built in to make it start. I know what would happen otherwise.
When I saw my dad there my stomach flipped. I asked her what was going on and she said that a good daughter would want her dad there on this important day.
I asked her to please make him leave. She said I was being rude. I went over to my dad and asked him to leave. He promised to behave. He was so happy to be invited.
I told my fiance that I might need to leave in a hurry and he had to come with me when I left. He knows the whole story.
He agreed.
My father was fine at the beginning. Then wine came around. I glared at him and shook my head no. He took some. Then more. Then more.
He started getting “happy”. That doesn’t last. After dinner there were drinks.
As soon as I heard him raise his voice I asked my fiance to leave. I faked a stomach problem and we left.
The least embarrassing thing he did was pee himself and puke on the lawn.
My FMIL is furious.
She said that we should have told her that my father has a drinking problem. I said that it wouldn’t have been a problem if she hadn’t lied to my face about not inviting him.
My father is humiliated that he did this.
I am just numb.
My uncle has no problem controlling my dad. He is a cop and he has come to several events with my dad where he kept him from drinking. My older brother’s wedding for example.
But he lives in another city.
He would have been at the wedding. I’m just angry that she lied and I’m embarrassed and I’m venting here because I need someone to tell me I’m not the jerk for not wanting to tell people my father is like this.”
Another User Comments:
“MIL, you overstepped majorly by inviting my father to this engagement party. My relationship with my father is NONE of your business nor anyone else’s. There is a reason I keep him at arm’s length and instead of trusting my judgment, you decided to meddle in affairs that are not yours to meddle in.
Now I know that this all comes from a good place…and that you assumed our problems were something that could be fixed. But they aren’t. My father is an addict. This is who he is. This is who he is always going to be.
Whenever I meet my father for meals together, I have to purposefully choose a restaurant without a liquor license. If you had asked about inviting my father, I would have told you that it was a very bad idea and that he was going to get intoxicated and embarrass himself and everyone in attendance.
But you never gave me the opportunity to do that. Instead, you went behind my back. And for that, you owe me an apology.
Moving forward, I need your solemn promise that you will always defer to my judgment with regard to my father’s involvement in my life with your son.
If you can’t do that, then perhaps we should put this engagement on indefinite hold until such a time as your son and I can have further conversations with you on this matter.
NTJ.” The__Riker__Maneuver
Another User Comments:
“Not ANOTHER in-law with boundary issues.
She thought she knew better huh? Well, it bit her in the BUTT.
Stand up for yourself. Be bold, assertive, direct, and blunt. This is 100% on HER. She stuck her nose in where it didn’t belong.
You should just ignore her comments about “you should have told me….”
You should say “No, no, no, you don’t get to get out of this that easy. I TOLD YOU I DID NOT WANT MY FATHER THERE. YOU took it upon yourself to not honor my wishes, you meddled in my private family issues and you brought my boundaries and trust. I apparently cannot trust you.
I am very disappointed in you.”
You are marrying this man. You two set all the boundaries you need with the families. Maybe you and her can rebound from this and she’ll realize she screwed up and not do it again and be a good MIL.
Maybe she’ll be a know-it-all jerk who won’t apologize, then you and he need to keep these family members at bay and on a need-to-know basis on knowing things.” AstonianSoldier
Another User Comments:
“I’m so sorry. As someone with stories to look back on regarding my own wedding, I feel for you.
26 years this month, and I still remember the drama and bad more than anything.
You are NTJ! Your wish should have been enough of an answer for your FMIL. Is she the type where had you told her the “why” she would have cared?
I get the impression you guys aren’t very close? My MIL and I weren’t close in the beginning, but we built a great relationship to the point that she became one of my best friends the last 8 years or so of her life.
I could tell her almost anything. I miss her greatly.
Not knowing your relationship with her. Not knowing what she’s like as a person… is she just an all-knowing witch or did she honestly think she was doing something good?
It’s hard to say where to go from here. Just think about what things might be like when you have children and set boundaries if she is not a good person. If she’s OK, work on your relationship with her.
My MIL would have done anything for me and vice versa. Having that relationship will help.
Having said all that, I’m glad your dad was embarrassed. I’m glad she was, too. Maybe she learned her lesson and will trust what you say.
Maybe your dad will realize he is an addict and needs to only drink when he’s at home if he can’t give it up completely.
This is why we had a booze-free wedding, and there was STILL drama. Some people just live for it.” Educational-Sugar963
7. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Pregnant Daughter Live With Me?
“My daughter is 23. (I’m Dad by the way.)
A few years ago my wife (not her mom) took her to get a birth control implant, and she was always happy about it.
Fast forward about a year and she meets a guy (he’s 28) online and “falls in love.”
He lives in another state.
She quickly started talking about how they both want to get married and want a kid.
About 3 months before her trip to meet him in person, she told me she had gotten her implant out and switched to the pill because she didn’t like the implant anymore.
This kind of raised my eyebrow. She had always talked about loving the implant because she no longer had periods. So I talk to her, we go over how important it is to take the pill properly every day, and we talk about other bc options, she is set on the pill.
I also went over the cost of children and the amount of work and responsibility babies are with her. Part of my concern here is that her mother openly admits she stopped taking her pills and intentionally got pregnant so I would marry her (I did, and we are divorced now).
I also told her that I love my kids and raising them, but I had no interest in raising theirs. I am enjoying retirement. (I have a 10 and an 8-year-old with my wife).
Well, lo and behold, she gets pregnant on her trip.
Her partner is not financially stable and is in another state, and due to morning sickness. she has been missing a lot of work. She is intent on keeping the baby.
She called last night and asked if she and her partner could come live with me so he could move here and find a job (he doesn’t have any significant work history or education and is morbidly obese which causes him a lot of health problems, so currently he is on disability), and they would save up and be out before the baby is born.
Also, note: her mom does not have room at her house.
I said no. My daughter has a history of not following through on her commitments, and I know that she won’t actually move out before she has the baby and probably not for a long while after.
She has trouble taking responsibility for herself and I am guessing we will be the ones dealing with the baby mostly.
We currently have a cat she adopted and then didn’t want because she wouldn’t clean its box, so it went to the bathroom everywhere.
On top of that, I don’t want this man that I don’t know and she barely knows in my home with my small children.
So now he is flying up, so they can find a place together (she currently rents a room in a party house).
I told her I would help her with the deposit and first month’s rent, but if they wanted to play house, I wasn’t going to fund it, so don’t expect me to pay when they can’t.
Now she is upset with me.
Her mom has chewed me up one side and down the other for not supporting her.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, do not let a total stranger move in with your children. Aside from the safety concerns, not wanting to teach your daughter that you’ll take responsibility for her choices, etc., you also need to consider what message it would send to your younger kids about how they should approach their futures.
With that said, you need to have a plan in mind: what will you do if (when) your daughter will lose custody if you don’t step in? I suspect it won’t be long before you hear that your daughter will be homeless if you don’t come to the rescue, and while you may be able to say “no” to your adult daughter, it will be a lot harder to let an innocent infant starve in order to teach your daughter a lesson.
Would you adopt her child but not take in either parent? Would you let the child go into the system? If the child is left on your doorstep, will you call the authorities and report it as abandoned? This situation is so tragic: an innocent infant is going to pay for your daughter’s bad decisions, but offering help may just lead to even more babies if she decides it worked out well the first time.
You need to know how you’ll handle each eventuality before it arises because I promise it will get harder when you have to look at your innocent grandchild and know that your choices affect them.” littlefiddle05
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Speaking from experience, if you do allow her to stay, she’ll take advantage of your kindness, and her responsibilities will be pushed onto you, or she’ll expect you’ll help out like you always have. Long story short, my mom allowed me (22 at the time F) to move in after a breakup with an ex that I lived with.
I don’t think she anticipated it to be long, but I ended up staying till I was 26. I feel awful looking back at everything now because I honestly took advantage of her kindness. She never once asked me to pay any rent or help with any bills, I worked a full-time job, so everything I made was just “play funds” for me.
The responsible thing would have been to save up to move out, but I knew Mom would take care of me so I was irresponsible with my earned wages.
Also, I did have a cat that moved in with me as well, but because I knew my mom would help me, she ended up primarily taking care of my cat again.
Looking back now, I feel awful and wish I handled things differently, but your post gives off your daughter having a similar mindset I had.” brittbratt02
Another User Comments:
“I think you’ve made the right decision. Now, you need to arm yourself with information.
Your daughter and grandchild are going to need services. Her partner may not last until the baby is born. You know because they can’t afford anything, these two strangers will fight. He’ll be gone in a heartbeat. she’ll need welfare assistance.
Find out what those services are BEFORE she needs them. Besides the state, the Catholic Church offers programs. There are probably others.
If you don’t, when he leaves and she’s got nothing, it will be darn hard to deny her a place to stay.
The best case scenario is if you know anyone in the system. They can provide the information you need.
I would give this same information to her. Obviously, she won’t like it. But at least she’ll know what she’s facing if he deserts her.
There are many women out there — through no fault of their own — who’ve gone through the very same thing. They’ve gotten jobs — admittedly low-paying because they’re pregnant — and worked hard to overcome their situation. Your daughter needs to do the same.
And while I’m here, I need to say that you need to play the worst case in your head. Because you know darn well this could easily be just that, a worst-case. How far will you go? What are the options?
What aren’t you capable of doing? What ARE you willing to do?
If you end up stepping in for the sake of your grandchild, you need to create a way for your daughter to become independent. Rather than thinking if she moves in you’ll end up raising the baby, you need to support her in getting a job, finding a place to live, AND becoming a great mother.
I would strongly suggest you talk to hopefully a friend in the system or if not find someone in the system to recommend a therapist who can advise you.
I say this because if the crap hits the fan — the odds are against you — can you honestly leave that baby in the cold?” Prior_Benefit8453
6. AITJ For Kicking Out Our Roommate Once We Found Out My Wife Was Pregnant?
It’s best for them and for the roommate, honestly.
“Basically my wife (24F) and I (29M) bought our own house a couple of years ago and got two flatmates in to help pay the mortgage. Two bedrooms + en-suite for us to use, one bedroom each + shared bathroom for the two flatmates.
One flatmate “Alex” pretty much keeps to herself, the other one “Kaitlin” (32F) is quite strongly opinionated and much more social. Kaitlin is also child-free and occasionally very vocal about it (as in, it’s not constant, but when something child-related comes up she will interject without fail).
Anyway, wife and I were finally successful in conceiving and decided to tell both of our flatmates three months into the pregnancy. We chose three months as we didn’t want to announce it to anyone too early in case of a miscarriage, but also wanted to give flatmates plenty of time to find somewhere else if they (understandably) didn’t want to live with a newborn.
In the end, both said they wanted to stay flatting with us as the location is good and the house is a new build (most houses in my country are cold and damp turn-of-the-century wooden cottages).
Anyway, almost immediately after this Kaitlin begins making snide remarks about our soon-to-be child.
Things like she should get a discount on rent for putting up with a baby, she’s not going to get any sleep with a baby in the house, we should have told them we were trying, etc. At first, my wife just brushed these off, though I did have a word with Kaitlin that they’re not appreciated. Since then the snide remarks became more frequent and rude, e.g., calling us selfish for bringing a child into the world, saying our social lives are going to be over, etc.
After a couple of months of this, I decided that I didn’t want to put up with this kind of negativity in what will be a very stressful (but also special) time of my life. I consulted with my wife and with her support have decided to kick Kaitlin out of our house.
As a flatmate without a formal signed rental agreement, she actually has no tenancy rights in my country, though I still opted to give her a month to find a new place as a sign of good faith.
Kaitlin is throwing a hissy fit saying I’m being unfair.
That since she pays rent she should have a say in the direction of the household, and that we were selfish for having a kid without even telling flatmates. Alex is on the fence though has expressed that I’m being a bit unfair to Kaitlin.
Wife as I said fully supports me though she’s less annoyed by her behavior than myself if I’m being honest.
So yeah, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She made it clear that she doesn’t want to live with the baby.
You own the house, so if someone is going, obviously she is the one who needs to go.
As long as you give reasonable notice to vacate and are within any applicable regulations where you live, you’re good.
If your other tenant has a problem with this, perhaps you should find out whether she also wishes to move.
After all, it is easier to advertise both rooms at the same time rather than going through the interview process twice while getting ready for a baby.
I am also child-free by choice. If I found it unacceptable to share a home with an infant, I would have a look at the rental market, consider my budget, then inform you of my intent to move out so that you had notice to consider new tenants.
(But, assuming I got on well with the other tenant, I might ask what her feelings were on the baby and explore whether we could find another shared situation if she was also thinking of moving.)
Now, if you knew before renting rooms in your home that you were trying to start a family and didn’t disclose that, you would be a jerk or at least jerk-adjacent.” maddiep81
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NOT the jerk. She is a guest. She does not have a signed lease. She has no legal rights, and the homeowners were kind enough to show her the courtesy of advising her of the impending birth of their child (which they, as the OWNERS OF THE HOME had no obligation to do).
She was given ample opportunity to make alternate living arrangements but lied and said she had no desire to leave. If she was living in my home and behaving like a spoiled brat, I’d have turfed her butt after the second disrespectful comment.
Why is this entitled brat acting like anyone owes her any more than what they already gave her? If they want to start a family, who is she to give them grief over it?? Petty Patty needs to grow up!” Diligent-Sort1671
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She is a flatmate, a renter – this does not make her an owner of the home in any way, shape, or form. You own the home. She has no ownership rights and is not a partner in the property, so NO she has NO right to have a say in the direction of the household – and it’s not so much as the household of she is expressing how she feels you should direct your LIFE.
It is fine to have differing opinions, however, when you are living in someone else’s home you can not throw a tantrum and say horrible things about them having a baby. If she is so worried about a child in the home, you gave her the option of leaving which she declined, then complained about how much sleep she would be missing when the child comes, and how she should get a discount – and the child isn’t even here yet!!
You will need her room anyway as the child gets older as you will only have the baby in your room with you for so long, so might as well get rid of bad rubbish now as she will only get more rancid as time goes on.
Giving her a month is more than fair – especially if you are not even required to do that in your country.
Congratulations on the baby!” 1moreKnife2theheart
5. AITJ For Being Upset That My Daughter Doesn't Treat Her Step Dad Like Family?
You can’t force someone to see someone as family.
“I am a mom of three. My oldest daughter Gracie is from my first marriage. She’s just turned 17. I have Milo 10 and Lyric 7 with my current husband. My ex-husband and I separated days after Gracie’s first birthday because he told me he wanted to see other women and wanted me to wait for him.
I did not and I filed for divorce. He always remained part of Gracie’s life but he made it clear he only wanted me when it suited him. After the divorce, I met my current husband. Gracie was 4 before she was introduced to him.
Her dad was angry when I found someone else. He hated my husband and Gracie always knew it. I went through the courts when my ex would not stop badmouthing my husband to Gracie and did not leave her out of the adult issues we were having.
The courts were not helpful at all and sent us to co-parenting classes. Gracie was hesitant with my husband. She adored her dad and didn’t want him to feel hurt. This is something she told a therapist when she was young.
Then when she was 8 her dad died and it feels like ever since then there was no way my husband could be anything to her. We never expected him to be her dad. But to be someone she trusts and cares about.
Gracie holds him at arm’s length and doesn’t treat him like a member of her family. She doesn’t include him like she does extended family. An example was last March. She was spotlighted in her art club. She sent a group chat message to me, both sets of grandparents, and her uncles and aunts but did not include my husband.
I mentioned it to my husband when I got home and she’d made it home before me and still hadn’t told him. I brought it up to her and she said he wasn’t on the need-to-know list for her.
It hurts my husband and I have tried to facilitate their relationship to be more but I don’t think it was enough.
A couple of days ago Gracie was saying she needed help with some engineering questions and she wanted to go over to my BIL’s (sister’s husband) brother’s house to ask him some questions. I asked her why she had to go to all that trouble when my husband could have answered the questions for her.
She said it made more sense to her to ask her uncle’s brother. This is when I told her I don’t like how she does that, how she treats my husband like he’s not there, like he’s not part of the family.
I told her we never ever asked her to replace her dad or to consider them the same but she excludes him and keeps him out and he has only ever been kind to her. I told her it’s something I would like her to work on.
She got mad and told me I chose to marry him, she didn’t choose to have him in her life. She also said it wasn’t my business what their relationship is like. I told her I’m her mom and I love her, and I’m his wife and I love him and I just want them to get along.
She’s still angry at me and I’m trying to figure out if I did the wrong thing here.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Tricky.
Your daughter is a victim of your ex’s manipulation and may benefit from therapy to unpick this if she’s not already receiving some.
You’re not a jerk for asking Gracie to be more polite and inclusive towards your husband – you’re a family and her actions are rude and hurtful.
You tip over slightly into jerk territory by demanding that she have a relationship with him.
She doesn’t have to care or love him – particularly when that’s at the moment definitely bound up in her latent grief and loyalty towards her father.
But she’s 17 and old enough to know when she’s being deliberately exclusionary and hurtful, and that’s a bullying tactic.
She’s old enough to know and do better.
I think continue to ask her to work on being kind and polite, but don’t ask her to consider your husband her family. She needs to understand that he’s a part of the family, though, and the father of her half-siblings, son-in-law to grandma, etc., and he can’t be cut out of family text chains, etc. on her whims.
I’m not comfortable making a definitive judgment here. Best of luck!” aurora-leigh
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ.
You cannot force love or affection. And she can get help with schoolwork from who she deems suitable.
Also, your daughter has been through a lot – her parents’ divorce, subsequent court squabbles, then ultimately her father’s death.
I understand that your new husband might be a great guy and that he’s genuinely hurt, but to be blunt this isn’t about him. You guys are the adults, she was/is still the child.
After losing her bio dad, I don’t think anyone will ever live up to that, tbh.
You mentioned twice you don’t expect him to replace her dad, but certainly after his death, it may FEEL that way to her.
I feel this is your answer: “I chose to marry him, she didn’t choose to have him in her life”.
To her, this was something forced on her, that she was never happy with. She’s being polite for the sake of peace but there is no love there. Frankly, I don’t think you can change that at this point. At 17, if she hasn’t warmed up to him – she likely won’t.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and here’s why. She has stated by thought, deed, and action that she wants nothing to do with your husband and you hold on to this fantasy that maybe, just maybe she will change her mind.
She won’t. She loved her father and any fatherly relationship by anyone but him is a betrayal in her mind.
She avoids him at all costs. She never thinks of him. He is a peripheral character in her life and will always be that to her.
You have to get right with it. She isn’t changing. Please don’t get any ideas of him walking her down the aisle or making a dad speech at her wedding. That isn’t what she wants. She has made a family of her choosing and her stepfather isn’t a part of it.
She is being consistent with it as well. She doesn’t ask him for help, she doesn’t expect him to do anything for her. You have these expectations and it is going to kill your relationship with your daughter.
Also, why do you care so much? Your husband has you and his kids that he can be awesome to. Why are you trying to force this so much? What do you get out of them having a relationship? What does he get out of it?
What does she get out of it?
Some people just don’t warm up to people at all and Gracie has enough sense of self to say nope, not interested. She isn’t trying to ruin your marriage or anything like that she just doesn’t engage.
That’s reasonable as well.” bluepvtstorm
4. AITJ For Ditching My Sister's Party After She Announced Her Pregnancy Right After We Announced Our Engagement?
Sometimes coincidences can be hurtful.
“So I’m a guy and I recently proposed to my fiancée about midway through December. We agreed to announce the engagement at the family Christmas party.
My sister and her husband, who are both a couple of years older than me, are also there. My sister and I have generally always gotten along, although her husband can tend to come off as a little rude at times, but he’s never outright been a jerk.
So we do a little gift exchange, and at the end of it, my fiancée and I decide to make our announcement. So I say my piece, and everyone’s excited about it. It was a nice moment that I was proud to have.
Then my sister stands and holds up an unopened gift for our mother. Mom opens it, and it’s a framed ultrasound image showing that my sister is pregnant, about a month along. It’s a happy moment and I was happy to share in it.
But after that, the pregnancy was all anyone talked about for the rest of the day, and the days after that. It was like they had completely forgotten about my fiancée and me being engaged.
I felt like my fiancée had been cast aside.
I didn’t want to cause a scene at the party, because I was happy for my sister. Then every day of the following week, all anyone wanted to talk about was the baby.
Finally, New Year’s Eve came along.
The party we have for that switches hosts every year, and it’s my sister’s house this time. My fiancée didn’t want to go to that party because she felt uncomfortable. So I called them, and my brother-in-law answered. He asked me what was up, and I told him we weren’t going to be able to make it.
He tried to change my mind, saying “You and your partner can come along.” Like he had forgotten or hadn’t even acknowledged that we were engaged. I reminded him of our engagement, to which he said he couldn’t have known since everyone was so excited about the baby.
I hung up on him then and tried to just move on from it.
Then my sister called and asked me why I was upset about her baby. I told her I wasn’t upset about it. I said it hurt when our family seemed to care more about her baby to the point that my fiancée and I being engaged may as well have not happened because no one acknowledged it.
She told me to grow up, and said it was selfish of me to avoid coming to a party because I was jealous of her happiness. I said that it wasn’t that I was jealous, like I said I’m happy for her that she’s having a baby.
But while she’s taking a step in her life, I’m also taking a step in my own life. I’m engaged to a woman that I love and that I am prepared to spend the rest of my life with, and it feels like no one has acknowledged or respected that.
Afterward, she said I was being dramatic and that people would be more than happy to care about it when the wedding happened. Then she said I should quit whining and come to the party. I told her that I didn’t want to go to a party hosted by someone who wouldn’t be as happy for me as I am for her, and I hung up.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Most doctors wait until at least 6 weeks for the first ultrasound and most doctors also recommend not telling ANYONE until 12 weeks (3 months) to ensure the pregnancy is stable and viable. Sure, it’s nice to be able to take advantage of having everyone in one place for an announcement like a pregnancy (just like you wanted for your engagement), but your sister is letting her desire for the spotlight override doing what is best.
Compounding it is your brother-in-law completely ignoring the fact that you’re engaged and your sister completely ignoring how you felt, you know that going to the party would only have been more fawning over them and ignoring you and your fiancée.
I think you made the right decision not to go and were right to stand up for your fiancée when she was uncomfortable with how things turned out. In the end, you are choosing to create a new family with her and she should generally be a priority over the rest of your family.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, BUT- this is why people have their own event to announce big news. When I got engaged, both sets of parents were there, but that was my husband’s choice- we had planned on calling our parents immediately after the proposal to tell them as both sets knew it was happening.
Then we made a list of people we had to call before we made a big announcement. I understand you assumed everyone would be together at Christmas so this would be a good time, but I would’ve definitely told parents and siblings before the big announcement and let them know your plans, or planned a special dinner at Christmas that you hosted and made your announcement.
Likewise, your sister should’ve done the same – I’ve personally seen so much family drama and rifts happen because of poorly handled announcements – when you don’t share with anyone ahead of time, you run the risk of having your spotlight taken away or things going wrong.
You rolled that dice and so did your sister.
Your family is the jerk because they should be capable of being more excited about multiple things, especially your parents. I can understand how a baby announcement would overshadow an engagement – a new life tends to trump anything else.
So your sister is the jerk for not waiting with her own announcement once she heard yours. She should’ve pulled you aside after, congratulated you, and explained her situation. She should’ve waited for a different moment in the celebration or even a different day – assuming that wasn’t possible, she should’ve given you a heads-up.
But that’s neither here nor there. It happened because of poor planning and communication on both your and your sister’s parts.
The real issue and real jerk is the BIL and family for being so forgetful and dismissive of your own happiness.
You’re right that there’s room in everyone’s hearts for happiness for both of you – and your sister should get that.
I may get slack for this but a baby is bigger than an engagement… and a baby will always overshadow anything else.
But people who love you should have enough capacity to celebrate both. That being said, you need to let this go or it will fester and create a rift and drama around your wedding and the birth of your niece or nephew.
Chalk it up to poor planning and learn your lesson for the future. Move on so you can all continue to enjoy the happiness that comes with these life changes.” Former_Tadpole_8806
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The fact that you both made an announcement on Christmas is just a coincidence.
I understand why you were upset that no one seemed to care, but I also understand why everyone was excited for the baby. I don’t think there are any jerks there, just a misunderstanding.
Your BIL seems like he was intentionally trying to be a jerk though.
He called your fiancee your “partner” and then pretended that he didn’t know because “everyone was so excited about the baby,” like he’s gloating that everyone cared more about their news than yours. That fact that he told your sister that you were upset about the baby instead of the fact that no one cared about your engagement makes him a total jerk.
Though tbh I don’t understand why your fiancee didn’t want to go to the party in the first place. I understand being disappointed that everyone didn’t seem to care about your announcement, but why would she want to avoid them because of that?” LFPkmnTrades
3. AITJ For Refusing To Accept My Son's Partner's Depression?
“My son (21) started seeing Amber (21f) 3 years ago, and at the end of 2021, she moved into my house. I allowed it for the sake of my son’s mental health or feelings. Her parents were moving out of state and she didn’t have any friends or family she could stay with here.
I watched my son cry for weeks because his partner had no choice but to move away with her parents and ultimately Momma Bear came out and protected my son the only way I knew how. So, she moved in but I made it perfectly clear to both my son and Amber that I fully expected rent payments (to cover food and the extra hot water cost).
I was only going to charge exactly what the extra cost would have been, which was roughly $400. And also stated that Amber was to get a job. Both of them agreed to this. I even put it in writing and had it filled out as a tenancy agreement so that they could get their own place afterward and have references for rental history.
So the lease was all signed, stamped, and notarized.
In the first couple of months it really appeared like Amber was trying to get a job, but after that, she just full-on stopped giving a crap. If I asked if she had rent, she would immediately be like “You know I don’t” and just shrugged it off.
My son was paying the entire rent by himself. Which, whatever. If he wants to do that then that’s on him. But it was the lack of caring and the complete taking advantage of the situation that made me mad.
After about 7 months I sat Amber down and reminded her of my agreement and told her she was walking on thin ice and that I was fed up with her not even attempting to hold up her end of the deal. She then pulled the “I understand where you’re coming from but try to be sympathetic about the fact that I haven’t seen my parents in months and I’m struggling to even get out of bed.” I did sympathize with this.
I even offered to get her into therapy. She said she would when she felt she was mentally ready. Yeah, that time never came but the excuses stuck. It’s always a different excuse but usually has something to do with missing her parents.
Well, this month I saw that my hot water bill skyrocketed by an extra $300. It then came to my attention that Amber has been showering THREE times a day because “standing under the scolding water is the only thing that takes away my sadness.” At this point, I was done.
I’m forking out an extra $700 a month with no help from her and my son is struggling to pay her portion because he is in college. So I again told her she needed a job. She pulls the “I’m so depressed I can barely drag myself out of bed. I can’t work outside of this house.” I snapped and said I refuse to accept her millions of mental illness excuses anymore and either she finds a job within the month or I’m canceling her lease and she can get the heck out.
She ran to the room crying and slammed the door. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“So, may not be the popular opinion, but calling everything “mental illness” is something that drives me crazy. Feeling sad, feeling bad, or lonely, or mad, that is not mental illness.
Those are called emotions. Everyone has them and has to deal with them.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying anything close to mental illness doesn’t exist, or downplaying the seriousness of them. But people have to stop using that term as a catch-all for any negative emotion they are having.
In this case, Amber is just being extremely lazy. Saying it is because she misses her parents? Well, easy fix, go move back with them. If she really thought it was an actual mental illness, waiting till you are “mentally ready” to get help is the most backward thing ever.
The whole point is your mental state is not right, so you won’t ever be “ready.” When you have a broken leg you don’t wait till your leg is ready to put weight on it to get it fixed.
And she is 21, not 15.
She is at a point in her life where she should be living away from them. She is taking advantage of OP, and her partner. She is not only not paying rent, but also not paying for anything else in their relationship.
She is a bad tenant and a bad partner.
She has a sweetheart deal of only having to pay half of $400 for not only a place to live but food as well. This girl needs to grow up. And your son needs to learn to stand up for himself.
If he is really stuck with all the extra cost, and she can’t even bring herself to get out of bed, what is he really getting out of the relationship?” evilcj925
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but you’re getting taken advantage of by one.
I’m not going to debate whether her mental health struggles are real. Err on the side of caution. However, it doesn’t shield her from consequences. If she was in an apartment, they would begin evicting her and would succeed unless she got local disability services to step in.
If she’s too sick to work, she can get involved with disability – which would require her to get a diagnosis. She can show her effort by trying to find some help. It’s not your job to enable and support her while she slides into oblivion.
I’m guessing you’d be a bit more flexible and understanding if you saw any effort in improving her circumstances at all, such as seeking mental healthcare.
Give her options: seek mental health actively and bring me receipts, call your parents and ask for help and bring me receipts, or get on disability if you’re unable to work… And bring me receipts of your efforts.
You have x amount of time (weeks, 2 months, etc.) and then I will evict you if I see unsatisfactory progress.” OrangeThumbCat
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You are N-T-J for feeling very understandably bitter about agreeing to allow her to stay in your house, and then having her not fulfill her end of that agreement.
However, your post strongly implies that you don’t believe her mental health is actually a barrier to her day-to-day functioning and that she should just be able to have a job if only she wanted to. You behaved like the jerk when you handled the situation in a way that invalidated her depression – dismissing it as “excuses.”
As someone who is usually very high functioning, I knew I needed professional help when I went from being towards the top of my class in a demanding graduate school program to literally being unable to do more than sit on a couch for 10 hours each day, rereading books or staring blankly at a wall.
I was incredibly fortunate that my social network noticed my issues, absolutely showered me with support, and helped me contact the right people in my school, switch therapists, get a psychiatrist, etc. Your son’s girl might be too overwhelmed to even attend therapy.
Depression can make the most basic of tasks, like getting out of bed, feel pointless and draining. It presents differently for everyone.
A better way to handle it would have been to sit your son and his partner down, and then say something along the lines of, “We agreed that his partner could live here under the assumption that the additional costs would be around $400 per month, which you two would pay.
But now, these costs are rising far beyond our expectations, mainly due to his partner’s actions like taking multiple, long showers a day, and his partner is not contributing her share of expenses. I understand depression can be debilitating, but I’m not his partner’s parent and I’m also not responsible for bearing the consequences of her mental health struggles.
If nothing has changed after another month, then his partner is going to have to find somewhere else to stay, for example, with her own parents.” This gets you to the same place of removing yourself from the situation but without the effect of basically telling his girl that you don’t believe her mental health problems are real.” BirdCat13
2. AITJ For Replacing My Daughter When I Got Remarried?
“I have 4 daughters, Charlie (25) and Amy (21), and my stepdaughters Claudia (15) and Rose (17). I had a son Isaac who was Charlie’s twin. He passed away from leukemia when he was 19. When he was diagnosed at 14, there were a lot of medical bills to pay for Isaac’s treatment, and I ended up working a lot to pay for his hospital bills.
During that time my ex-wife Brenda slept with Jake behind my back. I found out about the affair and we had a divorce when the twins were 15 and Amy 11. All of them knew the full story of what happened and my ex and I had 50/50 custody.
Charlie visited Brenda till she was 16 after which she stopped. We told Amy what happened when she was 14. But the thing is Jake is quite wealthy and Amy preferred it there more because she got spoiled. She eventually chose to stay with Brenda when she turned 16.
During this period I met Lucy, I fell in love with her and got married when the twins were 19. Isaac passed away a few months later. Lucy herself had 2 daughters, Claudia and Rose, and they were both welcomed into the family.
When Amy moved with her mom permanently she cut off all ties with us. She didn’t leave peacefully either. She insulted everyone in the family and left. One of the things she yelled was, “I don’t want to be a part of this crappy family.” She went NC with us too.
In November, Jake and Brenda were charged with fraud, B&E, and apparently they were also in debt. They lost their homes and were thrown in jail. Since none of the other relatives were able to take her in, Amy came to us.
I didn’t want to take her in but Lucy convinced me to let her stay for a bit till she got back on her feet.
Well ever since she left there have been a lot of changes to the house.
And Amy has been complaining about them since she arrived. She complains about how she can’t touch the snacks and how she has to pay for her own snacks and clothes (We feed her 3 meals a day + afternoon snacks). How she was given the smallest guest bedroom and how the other girls got big personalized bedrooms. How on Christmas the girls got amazing gifts and she only got a gift card.
The last straw for her was New Year’s. We took the girls to a big party while she stayed at home.
When we got back she started yelling at me how I’m a horrible father and how I replaced her with Claudia and Rose.
I told her that she was the one who renounced the family and so she wasn’t allowed in family things.
But a lot of people are telling me that I’m essentially replacing her for something she did when she was a young, impulsive teen.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Amy intentionally left you to go be spoiled. This was a cognitive decision. She’s now spoiled and learning about the consequences of how trashing her family does not equal warm and fuzzy feelings upon her return.
You don’t have a relationship based on her decision.
You’re not replacing her. She left, and she left poorly at that. This is on her. She cut off all ties at 16 (teenage decision, maybe). She expects to just drop back in at 21 and everything should be gilded to her standards while she behaves unbearably to others (adult decision, certainly)?
She, 21, can be on her own now. If she’s struggling, maybe this will be a good thing. A touch of reality and a bit of humility sounds long overdue.
I can’t imagine the heartbreak you and your family felt while trying to come to terms with her initial decision.
She came back and promptly picked up crapping on everyone.
I’d get her out of the house. She told you, yet again, she doesn’t give a crap about you. She is toxic. You and your family deserve better, and that is ok to say out loud.
It is ok for you to act on. It is ok for you to be done with her.
She may hate you for asking you to leave, but how is that any different than the clear and open disdain she has for everyone?
Get your peace back for you and for your family – the family that is loving.” humblerat77
Another User Comments:
“ESH but more YTJ
Amy is lashing out. You are making it clear you dislike her.
So to get this timeline straight – big brother gets diagnosed with leukemia when Amy is 10.
You throw yourself into work, Mom has an affair. Amy’s family gets blown up into pieces.
You get custody but have no bandwidth the help Amy other than once a month one-on-one time.
At about the same time as her big brother dies when Amy is just 14 years old you go into graphic detail that your marriage ending is completely Any’s mother’s fault because Amy’s mother had an affair with another man.
Why, why would you do this?
Amy wants to stay with her Mom because likely her Mom gives her love and attention you aren’t providing. Amy might have said that stuff about material things but I’d guess she likely had no way to vocalize why she wanted to be with her Mom and she knew YOU would be most insulted by her listing material items reasons.
Now Amy (your daughter) has had her family blown up AGAIN and you are reluctantly letting her stay in your house because you don’t want her to starve or freeze to death on the streets. I’d bet anything you told Amy exactly that too.
Are you really that surprised that Amy is mad at the world and hurting beyond belief now?” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“Unpopular opinion, but YTJ. She was a child when she cut you off, and yes she hurt you, but you’ve been an adult the whole time so maybe it’s time you get over it.
From her perspective, she chose her mother perhaps because at the time nobody else did. She saw your wife as her mother, completely unrelated to her being unfaithful to you. As it should be! Frankly, when you made sure all your kids knew all the gory details was when you started being the jerk.
The NC bit, not sure what her reasons might be, but perhaps she just felt her mother needed somebody on her side.
As two adults now, why can’t you have a frank conversation with your daughter, explain that she hurt you when she went NC and that if she wants to come back into your life in any meaningful way, that it’s going to take some work but that you’re willing to open the door so the two of you can make that happen?
Maybe listen to her reasons for doing what she did?” reluctanttowncaller
Another User Comments:
“ESH here, but as the older one, and the parent, you’re the bigger jerk.
Your daughter made a selfish, greed-based decision at 16. Your response to that is to define, literally define, your post as replacing her, and full-on not only make it clear she’s unwanted but to continue to punish her.
Holy heck, like, what the heck did I just read?
I don’t care about your story. Your son dying of leukemia has nothing to do with anything. The bare bones of this is you decided that your daughter needs to be punished, for a choice she made as a teenager, by making her feel unwanted. You could, I don’t know, try to mend that relationship.
But no. You want her to know she’s unloved and unwelcome.
What she made was a stupid, honestly normal teenage choice. What you’re doing is monstrously and, frankly, very toxic.
Like, if this is how you make parenting decisions, I would want to go NC with you, too.” WriteAnotherWoods
1. AITJ For Not Helping Around My Grandparents' House More Often?
“I (19m) moved in with my grandparents a few months ago because I wanted to spend some time with them and some extended family I had never met.
I want to say first off that as I have autism it’s very hard for me to understand social cues and stuff like that without being directly told.
So yeah, I moved in with my grandparents a few months ago.
I came with the expectations that I do my own thing and they do their own thing and if they needed help with anything, they would let me know and I would help out but the dynamic seemed different from that as from the first day my grandma wouldn’t let me do any of my own washing, cooking, etc. and insisted on them doing it all.
Obviously, I was like ‘no way’ but she was very pushy to the point where she would raise her voice and yell at me that was what she wanted to do. I tried for a week or two to do my own thing, and even asked quite frequently, ‘Is there anything I can help you with/you will let me know if I can do anything right’ and it was always no I’m fine and a raised voice if I tried to differ.
It even got to the point where the things they would ask me to help with, they would suffer through themselves while I was asleep in the morning (because they wake at 6 am and me usually 9 am) instead of waiting for me to wake up and do it myself (nothing time sensitive, ofc.
just like carrying washing up the stairs and that).
So anyways that’s the sort of dynamic I’m used to and I guess with me being here more it’s sort of just become a natural thing where I don’t protest anymore because I don’t want to be yelled at and because it’s their house and their rules, even though I feel horrible not doing anything.
They’re the type of grandparents to shove $1 in my hand or leave it on my bed if I buy them a paper or some teabags while I’m out at the shops as well, so it’s really hard to do anything for them at all because when I do find ways to repay them (usually food, drinks, etc.) they won’t let me not let them pay me back for that either.
My extended family keeps telling me I should be helping them around the house more as well but it’s really hard because they don’t let me? They say stuff like make them tea, vacuum the house, etc. and I always ask my grandparents if they want anything like that or need me to do anything and it’s always ‘no’.
I mentioned before I struggle really hard with things that aren’t straight to the point so it’s really conflicting for me because it feels like I’m taking advantage of them even though that’s never been my intention at all and that it’s rubbing off on everyone the wrong way.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My grandma is almost 90 and she is the same way. When I stayed with her, she never wanted my help and to this day every time I try to gift her something or even her kids, she thinks she owes a huge debt to us.
It takes a lot of convincing for her to keep her money. There have been times when she gave me money to pay me back and I snuck it back into her wallet and waited til I left to let her know I put it back and she huffed at me and told me I should have kept it and I gently explained to her that she needed it more than me and that’s not why I was helping her because I didn’t want anything in return.
She finally laughed a bit but said right as I was walking out the door that she was going to do something to pay me back and I made a quick comment to not worry about it. My grandma was raised during the Great Depression and that made a huge impact on who she is.
Don’t let it get to you. Me and my family don’t let it get to us and we continue to not let her pay us back for anything. She secretly hates it but she gets over it. It’s just who they are.” Jessicamorrell
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have offered multiple times and your grandparents want to do things their own way. Ignore the busybodies, but do keep offering. It’s great you’re spending time with your grandparents! Completely off-topic, but you may want to ask if it’s okay to start writing down the stories they tell, memories they share, and names of relatives in old photos.
Everybody thinks they’ll remember years in the future, but they won’t. It’s a great way to bring their lives and legacy forward.” NGDGUnpunished
Another User Comments:
“So they do ask for your help… They asked for help in carrying the laundry upstairs and downstairs.
You said you are sleeping, so they go ahead and do it.
YTJ.
If your grandparents, who I’m guessing aren’t charging you rent, ask for help, you get your backside out of bed and help them.
You do NOT stay in bed while your elderly grandparents want help with lifting heavy items.” Reddit user
