People Wonder If Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories Would Help Redeem Their Reputation
18. AITJ For Not Visiting My Dad?
“My ex-stepmother and I didn’t always have a bad relationship but it became obvious after she and my dad started having their own children they would prioritize the legitimate children over me. They would convince my mom to take less child support saying they can’t afford their lifestyle and while my mom was struggling to pay the bills and we had to spend a winter without heat or hot water my dad enrolled my sisters into gymnastics, dance, skating lessons and summer camps for the next year.
They would go on vacations every year and buy new clothes for their kids every week.
I had my toys and even furniture at my dad’s house given to my siblings, at Christmas they would give me clothes that were obviously too small and then give those to my sisters right after I opened them because they knew they would be too small.
Even on vacations that I went with them on, they would ask me to babysit or take family pictures of them and any pictures I was in, my stepmom would later crop me out of. I wasn’t allowed to use some of the towels or sheets as they were reserved for the family and not for me, they were the ‘good towels and sheets’ not for my use, I got to use the old ones and sheets that didn’t fit.
I was also told it was my responsibility to take care of my sisters and clean, I would even have to clean their rooms.
My stepmom couldn’t stand any attention going towards me even when I moved to uni she told my dad she had a depressive episode and he had to take the kids to the zoo instead of helping me but when his other daughter went to uni they helped her move in, stayed the weekend and even decorated for her.
My stepmom always used her depression to her advantage to get my dad to take care of her or prioritize her kids if I needed him. She made comments as I got into high school and made me feel bad about myself.
After the divorce, I didn’t think I would be seeing her as often, but my dad invites her to all holidays and events as she is the mother of his kids but he knows how she was towards me and he never stopped her when she those things in front of him, he never told her it wasn’t ok and he still doesn’t think it was wrong because she was depressed. He keeps choosing her over me and he knows she makes me uncomfortable.
When I stopped visiting my dad her depression was suddenly manageable and she is so much happier, the whole family is.
When I bring it up with my family that I’m not comfortable around her, they say I should just let it go and forgive her, but I can’t.
My dad never wants to discuss it and he will defend her actions. They act like I’m the unreasonable one.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your father’s job was to protect you, he did the exact opposite by exposing you to a dangerous narcissistic, sadistic woman who treated you badly as he was enabling her behavior.
You should stay away from anyone telling you to******* up, they didn’t go through the humiliation of having to use the ‘bad towels’. It breaks my heart to hear that, stay strong and spend your life with people who actually care about you.” heyjude2929
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but where is your mom in all of this emotional abuse? Obviously, your stepmom and father are absolute trash that you should block and get therapy for. Therapy to help work through all of this low self-esteem. However, if you were my kid I would have been using all of this to build a case for more child support and less visitation.
The adults in your life have massively failed to support you. Being an adult means that you don’t have to keep putting yourself in negative situations like this with your dad and his family.” wayward_painter
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But you should reframe your reasoning: however cruel, inconsiderate, nasty, and trashy your stepmom was, your father was even more so.
He was the one responsible for your welfare and happiness. But he was the one who allowed his own daughter to go without heating while paying for his other children’s extracurriculars! You give so many examples of how you were mistreated that one cannot help thinking that your father was not just enabling his wife’s behavior but actually participating in it.
And was cowardly enough to hide his behavior behind his wife’s depression or whatever. So NTJ for not visiting him, but because of how he failed as a father (and still fails).” apeapina
17. AITJ For Threatening To Uninvite My Niece From Thanksgiving?
“I (40f) am hosting Thanksgiving for my family this year. We are having my brother (46m), his wife (46f), and their kids (14m, 13m, and 11f), my sister (48f), her husband (48m), and their kids (15f and 12f) over. I live with my husband (40m) and our kids (11m, 10f, and 9m).
My parents (73m and 74f) are also coming.
A few days ago, we got a call from my brother’s 13-year-old asking if he could invite a friend over, the friend was supposed to celebrate Thanksgiving with his mother’s side of the family, but most of them live in the same area and a good amount of them are sick and the area they are in is also projected to have bad roads due to snow and ice, and his family was planning on coming to his house by car.
Due to this, it would just be my nephew’s friend and his parents for Thanksgiving, as he is an only child.
I know the boy, he’s one of my nephew’s football teammates, he’s an absolute sweetheart, incredibly athletically talented, and a smart kid, so I had no objections.
The boy is also autistic, his special interest in sports, he planned on watching football with my nephew in the guest room, my nephew also asked if he could help me cook as he didn’t know if his friend would like the food sensory wise, again, I had no objection to this.
We invited my nephew’s friend over on Saturday, our family has dinner every Saturday with my siblings, nephews and nieces, and parents. I spoke to the boy when he got there, and made arrangements with him to make sure everything went smoothly. However, one major issue arose.
My sister’s youngest is a mean girl, she’s been a bully her whole life but my sister and her husband seem to choose to ignore it. On Saturday she began bullying my nephew’s friend, it started when he started playing with some of his sports-themed fidget toys.
She made fun of him and the toys, I had her come to the kitchen so I could watch her but when it came time to eat, at the dinner table, she was making some rude remarks about how he was eating. I told her to knock it off, but she kept instigating it.
After we were done eating, I was talking to my niece about her behavior and she was mocking me, at that point, I went to my sister and told her and my niece that if she continued to be a bully, she’d no longer be allowed at Thanksgiving dinner.
My sister then got upset at me and told me she was just being a normal ‘hormonal preteen girl’ and when she told the rest of the family, my parents agreed with her, my brother and his wife stayed quiet, which I later found out was because my nephew was texting them about how much he hated his cousin.
My mother, father, sister, and husband are still telling me I am in the wrong for threatening to disinvite her. They’re making me feel like I was too harsh. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m not sure at what age they expect their daughter to be less of a jerk.
But it’s your house, and it’s very reasonable that you want to create a nice environment for the guests you invite over.
As long as you’re willing to pay the price for taking this stand against bullying, which will likely include a family rift and people taking sides, then it’s worth it.
Because of your sister’s and parents’ enabling, there doesn’t seem to be a version of this holiday that will happen without your niece being her normal mean-girl self.
Personally, this is a hill I’d choose to die on, but only you can decide if this is a fight you want to see through to the end.
Good luck.” TheeQuestionWitch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I’d follow through with the threat unless your niece apologizes to both the boy and you, and your sister agrees to police her behavior while she’s in your home. Set expectations that if it happens again, your niece will need to leave immediately.
It’s your house, your rules.
Honestly, your sister is setting her daughter up for failure by letting her off the hook. When your niece is caught bullying someone at school there will (hopefully) be consequences, and your sister won’t be able to get her out of them.
Honestly, when I read this, it reminded me of the whole ‘boys will be boys’ or ‘pregnancy excuses everything’ attitude some people have. I don’t care if she’s a hormonal pre-teen, it doesn’t excuse rudeness and malicious meanness.” DisneyBuckeye
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell her parents she can come to Thanksgiving but if she can’t be civil she’ll have to sit on her own for the meal. And follow through.
Have a place setting set up somewhere else away from where you intend to eat, point it out to her, remind her (and her parents) that she might be a preteen girl acting up but you’re a grown adult and you shouldn’t have to listen to or see someone being bullied anywhere, but especially not in your own home.
Make everything your niece’s fault. Action and immediate consequence. Be a good member of society or be excluded from it.” Natural_Garbage7674
16. AITJ For Not Helping My Partner Clean The House?
“My partner Jay (M35) and I (F33) recently moved in together. We love our new apartment and try to take good care of it. On the regular, I definitely pick up more of the household chores than he does, but he does a decent amount to keep things clean.
Jay’s parents are coming to visit for Thanksgiving, and I will not be here (I am going home to visit my parents this year.) His parents visit a lot. I’m talking about every 2-3 weeks since my partner’s older sister recently had a baby and she lives in the same city as us.
He also has a younger brother who lives near us. Jay’s parents are insistent on staying at our apartment over his brother or sister’s place when they come to visit because they find it the most comfortable. I like his parents, but do find their constant visits a little overwhelming.
Jay agrees but isn’t comfortable confronting them about it.
Anyway; their last visit was three weeks ago. Jay had a business trip scheduled. They asked if they could still stay with me even though Jay wasn’t going to be around. I asked Jay if they could maybe stay at one of his siblings’ places instead, but our place is definitely the biggest and most comfortable so he felt bad asking them to cram into his brother or sister’s spot.
It wasn’t a huge deal so I agreed. The day before they were set to arrive Jay left on his business trip. He’d had a stressful week and so the apartment was pretty messy when he left. I didn’t want his parents to come to stay in a messy place, so I spent my whole Friday night cleaning for their visit – doing all the laundry and putting it away, washing all the sheets and towels for them, and setting up the guest bed, dishes, and vacuuming.
Jay was very grateful, but if I’m being completely honest I was a little annoyed by the situation – me hosting his parents and being the only one prepping for their arrival despite there being other family members nearby who could have stepped in (I did share that with Jay, and he understood and apologized for putting me in that situation.)
Anyway, his parents are set to arrive tomorrow, and Jay and I have both been slammed with work for the past few days. I left to go home to my family today and admittedly left the place a little messy because I was stressed and rushing.
Jay just got home from work and texted me, saying he’s super annoyed that I left the apartment messy and saying he doesn’t have time to properly clean it before his parents arrive. I pointed out how I cleaned and took care of his parents without his help last time, and mentioned that he’s not the only one busy with work and that we both need to be taking care of things equally around the house.
He told me I was being spiteful and is now being short and cold towards me. I really feel like he’s viewing this situation selfishly, but he seems VERY annoyed with me. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He did no cleaning before his trip and you did all the work.
Now the tables have turned and he criticizes you.
Nope, that’s not going to work. He should have done some cleaning before his last trip or looked at the two situations as being the same and sucked it up and done the cleaning for Thanksgiving without complaint.
No one likes to do all of the cleanings. But sometimes you have to.
And he’s going to have to tell his parents they can only stay over once every three months. They have other kids – let them stay with their other children.
It’s unfair for you to have to be their hosts every time.” Ghitit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Their visits are excessive. And they’re your partner’s guests, not yours. Tell him that from now on, he can do all the preparations for his parents’ visits. And you’ll do all the prep for your guests. That means he has to do the extra cleaning, wash the sheets in the guest room, buy the groceries and cook for them, and be present to host his parents.
For your part, you need to not go out of your way for your partner’s guests. Don’t go home early to let them in, don’t cook them breakfast, don’t alter your plans.” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“I was on the fence at first but halfway through it’s clear you are NTJ.
It’s basically a repeat of what happened when your partner had to leave, except you’re the one leaving instead. I don’t see what’s so unfair about the situation.
Also not for nothing, but if his parents are visiting this often, they shouldn’t expect a spotless place every time their over if it’s once a month.
Especially around the holidays like people get busy and sometimes it’s not possible to have everything spotless. So there’s some laundry piled up, maybe the dishwasher is full and still needs to be run/unloaded, maybe the garbage is a little full, etc.
Sounds like you guys need to have a chat about expectations about his parents visiting and explain to them that if they’re going to be coming so often that on occasion the place might be a bit messy and if they don’t like that then there’s always your partner’s siblings to stay at.
Yeah you’re def not the jerk.” Triskelion24
15. AITJ For Telling A Wedding Guest To Eat Whatever Is Served Or Just Go Out?
“I (mid-20sF) am getting married. We have sent out our invites and they are slowly starting to come back to us. We have family across the globe and with our postal service strikes, we decided to send them out early.
We invited one of our friends (mid-20s F) and her partner (late 20s M). Her partner has been difficult. When we sent out the invites, he called me asking if the options on the invite, were the only ones available. The options are grilled salmon with a lemon and caper sauce, grilled chicken, or mushroom stroganoff.
The salmon and chicken come with baby potatoes and seasonal vegetables. I told him these were the only options, and we wouldn’t be adding more but they can be amended if he has a dietary preference – one of our guests is a dairy-free vegetarian and the stroganoff is being made vegan for them.
He said he didn’t like fish or mushrooms and thinks chicken is a bit plain for a wedding before settling on the chicken. A couple of days later, he calls to change his mind and decides he will have the salmon. He then proceeded to jump between all 3 options a couple of times, each time finding a reason why he didn’t want it (Salmon tastes too fishy, the chicken will be dry, stroganoff is too heavy for a wedding meal, etc).
This morning, I got a call from my caterer (who is his partner’s brother), and he contacted her asking if she can make him his own specific meal. He’s asking for an expensive steak, vegetables, boiled potatoes, and peppercorn sauce. I’ll admit I kind of saw red and called him annoyed that he tried to go around me and order what he wanted. The caterer laughed at him and told him that he had options available and just to pick one.
When I called him, I told him that he will be having the chicken and that if he doesn’t like it then he can just go without it as I won’t have him calling the caterer to order something completely different. He wasn’t happy when I told him, he argued I was being a bridezilla and that I needed to get off my high horse.
His partner has also been in touch, constantly sending me messages about how I know that he needs to have ‘proper’ meat at every meal otherwise he’s sick and that fish and chicken won’t sustain him, and that ‘it’s just one steak, it’s not like he’s asking you to serve him a cow.’ It’s ridiculous, he can go without red meat for one meal, and it won’t hurt him.
AITJ for suggesting that he gets what he is served or goes without?
Edit: The caterer is the friend’s brother. He said no to making a steak, he’s not a fan of the partner – can’t imagine why (sarcasm). The friend and her partner have tried again to get him a steak, I’ve told them that she’s welcome to attend but he is no longer invited. She’s not coming to the wedding and as far as I can tell, she had blocked me on social media.
Oh well, she clearly wasn’t the friend I thought she was if she was this upset over a steak.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s definitely being a guestzilla, yikes. If the multiple options you are providing are not sufficient, I would let him know he’s welcome to order his own food from somewhere else and eat before the event.
If that’s still not good enough, then you apologize you won’t be able to accommodate his dietary demands and it’s better if he does not attend. You wouldn’t want him getting sick. At this point, it sounds like he’ll be an *** at the actual event, so I’d be tempted to cancel the invite and save yourself the trouble and drama at your special event.” DHCruiser
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and this guy sounds insufferable. Like this guy, I’m a big meat eater and not a fan of fish or chicken, and hate mushrooms with a fiery p***ion. That being said, I’m an adult and can******* up for one meal. This guy can either make do with what is being offered or act like a man and either eat what he wants before or go out after the festivities.
Also, fish and chicken are proper meats.
The only way you would even be remotely in the realm of being a jerk is if he was vegetarian and you knew from the onset he was allergic to mushrooms and still chose the mushroom stroganoff as your vegetarian dish out of spite.” MaranwaeAmandil
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What kind of disorder ‘requires’ someone to have meat at every meal? If he gets sick, I can guarantee it’s all in his head. Probably thinks it’ll mess up his manliness if he doesn’t have red meat at every meal.
Of course, she thinks you should give in, he’s being a jerk, dragging her in, and it’s not her money on the line.
People who eat vegan/vegetarian typically will get sick from eating meat. Omnivores do not get sick from not having ‘proper’ meat.” tinysydneh
14. WIBTJ If I Come To My Mom's Thanksgiving Without My Husband?
“I (27f) have been married to my dear husband (29m) for two years. My mother has a gathering on thanksgiving every year, where all of her near relatives and family members come. It is located on the other side of my country & we stay there for two days.
Here’s my dilemma, my mother and husband don’t get along. This is because while I have been with him for 3 years prior to being married, my mother always claimed that he was ‘manipulative’ and ‘too good to be true’. Which is quite frankly bizarre but she would show her dislike of him by giving snide comments at dinners or completely dismissing him.
That is why he completely avoids her now and she does the same (which puts me in a weird position).
I got my invitation in the mail a week ago and it stated that specifically ‘I come’, so by this, I realized my mother didn’t want my husband to come.
When she gets wasted she says some bizarre things to him that are considered borderline flirting on her behalf. So maybe that is why she wants to avoid him.
I told my husband this and he seemed quite upset that we wouldn’t be together on thanksgiving and wanted us to have our own.
Although, I wanted to see my family and relatives. I do want to bring him but I don’t want my mother to embarrass me or make him feel uncomfortable.
I told him this and he said he clearly knows who I’m prioritizing more and that he wanted to spend our thanksgiving together.
But now he will have to spend it alone.
WIBTJ if I don’t spend it with him?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your mother has a history of acting inappropriately with your husband and has unfairly slandered and attacked him frequently.
Your response to this is to do nothing, not defend him, and abandon him on Thanksgiving to be with the woman that attacked him.
That is not ok. You are supposed to be on your husband’s side here. You are supposed to stand up to your mother and draw clear, firm boundaries. Instead, you are caving to her abuse and putting your marriage in jeopardy.” imothro
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You would be a jerk to allow your mother split you and your husband up for Thanksgiving.
You need to take the attitude that you are a couple now, and therefore spend your holidays together. You show up as a pair, or you stay away as a pair.
Let your mom choose which. And be prepared to walk out the instant she does or says something inappropriate to him.
If you’re so immature that you’d rather obey your mother and leave your husband all alone for the holiday, you really have no business being married in the first place.” SamSpayedPI
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’ve been married for two years and are prepared to abandon the whole notion of marriage as a team to please your toxic mother. You should stay home and start making traditions with the person you chose to be your life partner.
‘my mother always claimed that he was ‘manipulative’.’
LOL, There’s a whole lot of projection going on there. She should be shut down each and every time she starts that crap.
‘I do want to bring him but I don’t want my mother to embarrass me or make him feel uncomfortable.’
But you are okay with humiliating your husband to avoid making your mother happy. And you are using your desire to see your other relatives as an excuse. If you are so concerned about maintaining family ties, get busy and start seeing your relatives in smaller groups at other times.
In the meantime, stay home with your husband and stop fixating on what your mom wants.” la_patineuse
13. AITJ For Not Sharing Our Pears?
“We bought a new house last month and it came with a big, beautiful garden, including a nice pear tree that’s right by the brick wall to the neighbor’s garden.
I love pears! To clarify: Our tree doesn’t hang over the other property but since the neighbor’s garden has a higher ground level than ours, it is very easy for them to reach over the wall and pick the fruits.
So a few days after moving in I was in the garden and saw the neighbor lady picking our pears.
She seemed a tiny bit embarrassed upon noticing me but when I came closer she said that the previous house owners didn’t like pears and always allowed them to pick the fruit so they won’t spoil. Fair enough, but I told her then that I happen to love pears and I’d like to keep our crop.
She was visibly miffed when I told her that but she left the fruits she picked on top of the wall (… where I cannot reach them) and left. I tried not to think much of it, but the next day I encountered her husband doing the same.
Picking the fruit. I told him the same thing I told her already and he replied that it’s only some pears and that the world would be such a bad place if everyone would make such a fuss about it like I do.
I wasn’t aware that I was making a fuss.
I simply thought that if it’s my property and my tree and if it doesn’t hang over to their garden – can I not keep it? Why does he think he’s entitled to our crop?
I just left then because I was so mad and I didn’t wanna risk saying anything mean, but I talked to my husband and he said that the neighbors are right and I shouldn’t worry about it, after all, we can just buy pears in the supermarket and it’s no big deal. Yeah sure, technically he’s right, but I just can’t get over the entitlement of these people!
If they think they have the right to things that aren’t theirs, will it stop at just fruit trees? Or will they suddenly show up in my garden, playing ball and acting like they can do anything they want like in some creepy Netflix series??
I don’t want some ‘neighborhood war’ or whatever but I find their behavior preposterous. Am I really the jerk here for telling them to keep their paws off my crop?
(PS: That was about a month ago and meanwhile all pears are gone, we haven’t talked to the neighbors since, but today I remembered because the guy was giving me the stinkeye when I pulled into my driveway earlier…)
—
EDIT: I will definitely be getting a net for next year if it’s not possible to move the tree. And maybe I’ll bake a Christmas Stollen and bring it to the neighbors as a peace offering, hm.
I think our tree is quite small.
The brick wall is 2 meters high and the crown just grows a tiny bit higher than that. So the neighbors can only reach the top part, but I found that’s where most of the crop was at least this year.
The pears are quite small and there were maybe 30 fruits on the tree when I first took a closer look as they were ripening.
(Maybe the harvest is bigger every 2 years, I’ll be able to tell next year) Overall I had 15 pears at most this year (the neighbors took the rest) I like eating them raw as a snack and since they’re quite small, I usually eat 2-3 in one go.
Also, I used 5 to make a cake. So I only had pears for a week this year, while in my childhood we could mostly harvest for an entire month.
I thought about sharing because their own trees grow more than they could eat. Well, I can surely eat and preserve 30 fruits over the course of 2 weeks.
I love baking with them and I also like making jams and conserves. The latter I couldn’t even do with the few pears I managed to get this year.
I’m not a hamster, I have no problem with sharing stuff if I have way too much of it.
Of course not, why would I? But my MIL loves pears as well and I would’ve loved to give her some homegrown crop for making a cake. If I have more than I need, I’d always offer it to friends and family first before asking the neighbors.
I guess this is something that differs in various countries and cultures.
My husband isn’t really a pushover lol. He just has this mentality of sharing everything and offering his own hard work for free, just to be nice and help others. (He’s a software engineer) He also suggested that maybe our neighbors are struggling with money and that’s why they took them, even after I said no. Well.
I have no idea obviously. We can’t look into somebody else’s life. However, I feel like it is worth mentioning here, that their garden is 3 times bigger than ours, if not more. I didn’t see any fruit trees/bushes on their property tho.
Surely I was exaggerating when mentioning what else they ‘could’ do if it doesn’t stop at just taking fruit.
But I’ve dealt with people before who seemed entitled in my eyes and they always wanted more and more and it never really stopped. It is something that scares me, not gonna lie.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’d be mad, too! We’re planning to put in a fruit tree or two soon, and I’d be so upset if someone helped themself without so much as a by-your-leave.
Before next season’s fruit comes in, you might think about putting up some bird netting on poles between the wall and your tree, so they can’t just reach in and grab your pears. If it’s so easy to go pick them up at the grocery store, let THEM go do that.
Everyone knows homegrown is better because you can let everything get good and ripe and not worry about transport bruising your fruits, especially with things like pears and plums that get soft and easily damaged when they’re properly ripe.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“‘after all, we can just buy pears in the supermarket and it’s no big deal.’
Your husband is a jerk and a pushover. Why don’t the neighbors buy their own pears from the supermarket and leave yours alone? There is nothing like a fresh ripened pear from the tree. Most of the time store bought pears can’t even compete.
I can’t even imagine the scenario of a pear tree taking up space in my backyard, water, and other resources from my pocket, and I’m the one who has to buy supermarket pears.
Get out of here…
Your neighbors are also entitled jerks who are blatantly and overtly stealing from you and the husband has the balls to tell you not to fuss. You should prune your tree further away from your wall. Maybe for Xmas or a holiday, you gift them a pear sapling they can plant in their own yard as a not-so-subtle message.
NTJ” BeeYehWoo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The real neighborly thing would have been for the neighbors to recognize that the arrangement with the prior owners no longer applied.
And then to wait until they’d met you, gotten to know you, and politely found out what your plan for the fruit of that tree was.
And only then, asked if they could have some… maybe… if they could still do so politely.
What they were doing and saying was an entitlement, not being neighborly. Which is why you were ‘making a fuss’.
Your neighbor is right that the world would be a better place if people stopped making a fuss… for the people that are doing the things that others want to make a fuss about.
The real way for people to make the world a better place is to treat others with dignity and respect, including respect for their property.
As for your husband, sure you could just go buy pears at the store. But why should you have to?
You have a nice pear tree right there.
And, yes, you might not be able to use all of them. But, it should be up to you to decide what you’re going to do with any excess that you might have. Not for your neighbors to just take them because that’s what a previous owner let them do.” hard_tyrant_dinosaur
12. AITJ For Being Mean To My Brother And His Partner After They Watched My House?
“I (F20) just got home from a deployment, while I was gone my brother (22) and his partner stayed in my house I left a detailed list of instructions for while I was gone. Before I left I told him I had a couple of conditions some of which were to take care of my two dogs – I would pay for all related bills – to tell me if anything was broken so I could fix or replace it, they were to pay the utilities, and that I didn’t want his two cats in my place – the cats were at my parent’s where they had been for 2 months because he was currently homeless – and to call if they needed anything at all.
While gone I struggled to get my brother to pay the power bill and found out he never paid the water bill. After traveling for over 48 hours to get back stateside, I was running on about 5 hours of sleep. Let me preface this by saying I know that I’m retentive about how clean my house is and that I expected it to be dirty.
When I got home my brother was packing up his car with his stuff and he said that he was going to come back later that night. When I got inside I saw the house was in bad shape, to summarize I had an ant infestation, human fecal matter all over the toilet, stuff covering the couch, trash and dog hair all over the floor, blankets for blinds, dried dog poop in the basement, cat urine all over everything, as well a cat litter all over all of my clothes and belongings, and my missing Roomba was entombed in a sarcophagus of dog hair, cat toys, and trash under my couch with 4 holes in my new flooring.
I also found I had no cleaning supplies, toilet paper, food, or even bedding/towels as well as a broken kitchen sink. I found that my bed was put together wrong and that I had no remote to inflate the mattress again after fixing it, and called my brother who said he would look for it later but didn’t know where it was.
At midnight, I called again and he said he found it but wouldn’t bring it because he was tired, this is where I might be the jerk, I went off about how disgusting the house was and that his stay in the house was supposed to be an opportunity to get back on his feet and I would appreciate it if he brought the remote because I was tired. At this point, we were on speaker and his partner jumped on the phone saying they did me a favor and I shouldn’t complain because it was not in bad shape.
I saw red and went off on them listing all the things that are wrong – I spent 800 dollars that night, and over 3000 since being home – and that I wanted my remote. She went off saying staying in my house wasn’t easy and that I shouldn’t have expected them to pay for things or to fix them, and that I should be grateful This continued for a while, in the end, I didn’t get the remote till 5 pm the next day and was up over 80 hrs straight I am still missing belongings I had before I left was I the jerk and too harsh I feel like I was justified but was told I wasn’t?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were clear on the terms of this tenancy. No rent, but they covered expenses, did not damage the property, taking care of your dogs, and did not bring cats into the house. There was no detail in your after-action report, but it seems the only area lacking complete failure and dishonor was taking care of the dogs, I hope.
Never let them in again. Never give them money, ever. They had a gift and trashed it.” FeeOverall1497
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you gave him a solid, all they had to do is not trash the place, take care of the dogs, and pay the utilities, and failed at least 2 of those conditions.
I say 2 because the dogs weren’t neglected, they were fed and at least in part taken care of. I don’t think it would be worth the trouble to take them to small claims, suing them or not, the relationship with him seems ruined anyway, even if you win a case against him, how is he gonna pay you?
I say cut your losses and learn from this mistake.” Plenty_Metal_1304
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
They didn’t do you a favor. It’s insane to even say that.
They literally destroyed your home and caused what amounts to thousands in damage if you include the infestation and floor damage.
Op you need to STOP. Stop taking responsibility for people who treat you with bottomless disrespect.
Any normal person would be furious and would probably sever contact with them both over this.
Op they are homeless because nobody likes them and they have disrespected everyone this way.
Learn from this and stop enabling them.” snailranchero
11. AITJ For Not Letting My Daughter Eat Candy From A Stranger?
“I (M30) was walking in the mall with my wife (F28) and our daughter (F8). Suddenly and out of nowhere a random man came over to us and gave our daughter a chocolate bar. We politely thanked him and kept walking. My daughter started opening the chocolate and I immediately stopped her because we don’t know if that guy put something in it.
I don’t know about most parents but I’m not gonna risk my daughter getting poisoned or worse.
My wife asked me why couldn’t she have it and I told her it was better to be safe than sorry and not let her eat it, and that I would take her to a gas station to pick up anything she wants.
My wife got mad saying it wasn’t a big deal and I should let her have it, that I’m giving our daughter ‘trust issues’ and ‘setting her up for failure in future relationships’. My daughter started crying because she was scared and the whole thing turned into big drama with my wife ranting and my daughter crying.
Maybe I shouldn’t have been so cynical. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, huge NTJ not taking candy from strangers is one of the first things we teach kids. Your wife should have been more cautious and not just assumed the candy was safe. It sucks that it escalated into a big fight and made your daughter cry, poor little girl that must’ve been quite upsetting for her.” coconutpudding089
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for thanking the stranger, letting your kid take it directly, and then only objecting when your kid had gotten as far as opening the chocolate, and then throwing it out. While it’s totally cool to not trust food from strangers, what’s going to give your daughter a complex is the mixed messaging of letting her take the chocolate and then getting upset when she went to open it.” Kittenn1412
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It could have been safe, but the world is crazy these days, and you have to be careful. I think your solution of buying her candy was appropriate because she wasn’t punished due to the man’s actions. Probably sit her down and have an age-appropriate talk about how if someone she doesn’t know gives her candy, she should bring it to you and you’ll exchange it.” TinyRascalSaurus
10. AITJ For Not Being Too Happy About Taking Care Of My Mom And Her Partner's Baby?
“I’m (16F) in 4 college classes, tennis, dance, and I work as a CNA. I have 3 siblings, 1F, 6M, and 13M.
Whenever I’m home my mom and her partner dump my half-sister on me to watch so they can sit and drink beer or shop for interior design.
Don’t get me wrong, I love her but I’m so tired of them putting her down and expecting that I have an eye on her. plus, it’s not like I can protest by NOT watching her because she’ll get hurt. I’m falling behind in class, which I CANNOT afford to do because of uncompleted HW.
Here are two instances that happened recently
Last night around 7:45 pm I started to clean my dance for my performance next week. I didn’t even get 30 secs into the song before my mom asked me to pick up the baby’s toys that were all over the living room.
I did it but with an attitude since I told her before I even started my dance that I NEEDED to work, and she said OK. AND my 13m brother was sitting RIGHT there on his Nintendo and was capable of cleaning the baby’s toys.
When I was finished, I started the dance again and was interrupted by my mom asking me to take the baby into another room and entertain her so mom can move the couch around. I told her OK but I’d need extra time past my bedtime to do my homework.
By the time she was done, it was 9 pm which is my bedtime. She then got mad at me for being up
Today I had practice and left at 5. Went straight from school to our old house where Mom dumped the baby on me and proceeded to sit and cry about how much she hated that we moved homes.
There’s no internet there so I couldn’t do my homework. As soon as we got home 2 hours later, she sat on the couch with her partner and cried about her house and being stressed about Thanksgiving. By now it’s past 7 pm and my 6M bro goes to bed at 7 and they haven’t fed the kiddos dinner.
I make them food and then sit and spoon-feed 1F. My mom and her partner finally get up and immediately start going off on me for leaving dishes in the kitchen from dinner. I told them I was sorry and that I didn’t get a chance to clean it because I was busy watching 1F They told me I was full of crap and lectured me for another 10 minutes while I sat and ignored them and read my history book.
I got told off for ignoring them so I told them I hadn’t gotten a moment to myself yet and that I wasn’t going to sit and listen to them lecture me while I had things to do.
My mom’s partner yelled at me because I hadn’t let the dog out to pee and said ‘I took care of your dog, you’re welcome’.
(She ISN’T my dog. I never ASKED for a dog, I just ended up stuck with her.) I said, ‘I fed your baby, you’re welcome’. Both yelled at me and called me a disrespectful jerk and my mom flipped me off 2x.
As they were yelling at me, the baby dumped water all over the table and I got lectured for that too.
Now I’m sitting here angry crying and writing this. AITJ for saying that to them?
These two instances aren’t the only times they dumped her on me. They do this every day (without pay, by the way) and I fall behind on all my own responsibilities.
They tell me since I’m a part of the family I need to chip in and help with sis – that’s why I think I’m the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but mostly because the balance of jerkery is so incredibly heavily weighted towards your mother and her partner that I’m not fully comfortable saying everyone sucks.
If there was ever a time for the Justified Jerk verdict, it’s this right here. Sure, you stooped to their level, and you could have been the bigger person. But there is only so far one can turn the other cheek; you’ve pretty clearly been pushed to your limits and way further than you should have been.
Where’s your father in the situation? Is going and staying with him for a period a viable option, or is he completely out of the picture? It doesn’t sound like your mother and her partner is the healthiest living situation for you right now, and if you can find a way to get out of there, even if just for a little while, I think it would do you a lot of good.
It sounds like you’re being parentified to some extent by your mother and her partner, and like your needs are not being treated with the respect they deserve.” Inocain
Another User Comments:
“NTJ; You seem like you’re at your wits end with the way things are at your house and honestly you have EVERY right to.
Yes, you may be an older sibling and have to help out from time to time, but hun, taking care of that 1-year-old is NOT your responsibility. Especially if you already have a full schedule you’re struggling to keep up with and they expect you to do whatever without even a ‘thank you’ in mind.
I hope you will speak up more often than not after this because you are your own budding person and it seems like these ‘guardians’ are only selfishly thinking about themselves when in actuality they need to step up as PARENTS.
I really don’t have any good advice to get you out of this crappy situation, but it seems you have your parnter’s mother on your side at least. Confide in her and ask for advice from someone who can see the situation while it’s happening, because anyone commenting on this post can’t help you.
You have to help yourself.
I really empathize with your situation on a more personal note. When I was your age, 23F now, been through something very similar. Expected to take care of the younger siblings, verbally/mentally berated if I refused to cook, clean, and struggle to keep up with school/home life balance, but eventually cut everyone out as soon as I turned 18 and promised myself a better life.
Never looked back, never been happier.
If you can’t get through to them and they seem like they’re not going to start respecting YOUR OWN responsibilities, you have to start making very hard decisions for your own sanity and future. You seem like a sweet girl, please take care of yourself and stay strong.” truecheesegoddess
9. AITJ For Demanding My Sister To Get Me Something From My Wishlist?
“My (26f) sister (35f) told us (me and my other siblings) that she wasn’t spending a lot on gifts this year because she splurged to take her son to Disneyland.
That’s fine, I don’t care about not getting a gift. I’ve spent several holidays abroad where, obviously, I didn’t give or receive gifts on holidays or birthdays. Historically, when my sister has been pretty broke, she will buy little gifts for people from the dollar store.
Usually, the gifts are useless junk that I don’t want/need/have a use for.
For example, one year she got me these sparkly animal trading cards, little action figure things, and a little Hispanic lego man with a sombrero (she and my other older sister are half-Mexican and find little things like this to be charming) and this unicorn drinking cup.
All of those items, except the cup which I still use, kind of sat around in boxes until an acceptable amount of time passed and they got thrown out during a deep clean. I am not a person who likes stuff that just sits around my house with no purpose.
I’ll hang cool art, but that’s mostly it. I would say my sister has given me gifts like this 4 or 5 times in the past.
Anyway, I told my sister that if she is unable to get something cheap off my provided Christmas gift list, then I don’t want anything at all.
She asked me why and I told her that I appreciate the effort she makes to give gifts, even when she doesn’t have a lot of money, but I’m not the type of person who likes ‘cute little things’ that serve no purpose and they would likely get thrown away eventually so it’s better for her to not waste the money.
She said I was being ‘a hateful jerk’ and to get over myself.
AITJ?
ETA: Everyone in my family makes a Christmas list. All of my adult siblings, my mother, my grandmother, etc. Also, the list I made has several items on it under $10.
ETA 2: In gift-giving, you give gifts to do something kind for the person you’re giving them to right?
If that’s the case, then you should be willing to consider (to a certain degree) what that person does or, in my case, doesn’t want. If you are buying gifts for someone with an attitude of ‘I don’t care what you do/don’t want I’m going to buy you what I buy you and you better be grateful because I didn’t have to buy you anything at all’, then aren’t you really only gift giving to make yourself feel good or to fulfill a societal/familial pressure that you feel obligated to fulfill?
There are a million different scenarios in which someone does something to be kind or helpful, but the reality is, what they’re doing is making your life more difficult or inconvenient. One should be able to communicate the idea of ‘hey, I can see you are doing this with the intention of being kind or helpful.
Thank you, I appreciate that. However, it’s actually making my life more inconvenient for X reason. So could you please stop?'”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because your sister overreacted to a simple and fairly common sentiment – most people in their 20s don’t want or need trinkets.
That said, you probably could have phrased it better. It sounds like gift-giving is important to your sister since she makes an effort even when she’s broke.
I would tell her that, while I appreciated that she wanted to get me something, she should instead use the money to do a little something nice either for herself or her son because it makes me happy when my family is happy.” BrittLee8
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I think that you had to say it to her the way that you did. If you had just told her to save money and not get you anything, she would have definitely gone ahead and still gifted you with little trinkets.
It does seem like gifting, even if it’s something small, is important to her. Maybe add a few items under $5 to your list. If you give her time to calm down and try to explain it again (maybe without mentioning that you’re throwing her gifts away – I know I know, but it hurt her feelings), maybe you can work things out?” AlaskaDiGioia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Sounds like wasteful consumerism at best, and thoughtless gift-giving at worst. What’s the point of something that doesn’t get used, besides maybe gifting it to someone else who’d enjoy it, or worse it goes in the bin?
Your sister needs to get over her mentality that she is being magnanimous and let her know that you do appreciate her thoughts, but don’t want her to buy something that you have no real need for, maybe a nicer way to word it.
Sounds like you may have wounded her pride a bit, and that’s hard when someone doesn’t have a lot to spend, but still tries to do something nice.
NTJ” Knightoforder42
8. AITJ For Asking For Receipts?
“This year my sister decided to host Thanksgiving. She spoke with our eldest sister and they decided to split the expenses 3 ways between us.
Host sister is known to be stingy with her money outside her immediate family. To not ruffle any feathers I agreed. Keep in mind, myself and our eldest sister have hosted turkey day and incurred all expenses without anyone chipping in. So I was budgeting to chip in about $100 max.
In the past, I’ve hosted, with the same number of people (15+) I’ve spent about $250. I didn’t skimp on the amount of food or quality ingredients, I bought truffle butter from a specialty store, for Pete’s sake. My sisters went grocery shopping for all the food.
That night host sister texted me that she added up all receipts and it came out to $250 each. I sincerely thought this was a mistake and asked if it was $250 divided by the 3 siblings. She replied no. It is $250 per sibling. I was gobsmacked. I was incredulous, angry, and asking myself what on gods earth did they buy?
So after a little while of going through all the stages of grief, I called our youngest sister who tagged along for the grocery shopping.
Side note: youngest sister just lost her job and is currently job hunting. She has also hosted turkey the day before, incurring all expenses.
She already knew why I was calling. She said our host sister basically tripled up on everything. Triple turkeys, triple amount of sides (corn, green beans, potatoes, bread, milk, drinks, etc…) She kept telling them it was too much. She said our niece, 23 years old, daughter of host sister, was also throwing in ‘day of’ snacks.
An obscene amount of chips, dips, cookies, ice cream, and cakes. This is in addition to all the pies they purchased.
They went to check out and she kept telling them ‘hey the total keeps going up, don’t you think we should cut back on some stuff?’ Host sister said no. The kicker to all of this is, our eldest sister was somehow roped into paying for the grocery haul.
So in essence I don’t even owe the money to host sister, I owe our eldest sister. After the call, I call host sister. In the most even-tempered princess voice (host sister is known to have her feelings easily hurt, quick to get defensive, and can hold onto a grudge for ages) I ask about the expenses.
She said that things are expensive and it is what it is. So I asked if I could see the receipts. She immediately gets defensive, says not to chip in any money, and says she can’t wait to see me on Turkey day (sarcastically) and abruptly hangs up.
I try calling, no answer. Call my nieces to ask for their mother and they say she was busy. So I’ve decided just to give the money to my eldest sister and call it a day. I know when I show up she’s going to be giving me the cold shoulder, making passive-aggressive comments and stank faces.
So AITJ and should I just apologize and move on?’
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Asking for the receipts is a very reasonable thing for anyone to do when bringing asked to reimburse someone. She obviously is taking advantage and knows it and based on your comments is going to get away with it.
If you are resigned to go, make sure when you leave to take your share of meat, sides, and snacks. Load up! You paid for it!” MulticoloredMonday
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but yes, apologize and learn from this. She’s a hot mess. Do not engage in anything money related with her, especially things that require her to have sense.
It’s a cheap way to keep the peace. Pay the money, say whatever you have to say, and never, ever, ever split anything or engage in any monetary or logistical endeavors with her again.
Learn from this – sister is an immature doofus. Be wary.
She will be a hot mess in all things, all the time. If it happens again, then yes, you would be the jerk because you will have ascribed sense to someone who has none. Further, she seems to have a touch of greed.
PS: I’ve never heard of anyone having 3 turkeys at Thanksgiving.
I’ve heard of 2 for families with 20+ people but that was done under the guise that everyone would take home a generous amount of leftovers. It’s just ridiculous.” Funny-Signature6436
Another User Comments:
“Let’s be honest cooking big holiday family meals can be a thankless hard task that females get pressured into doing frequently at a great expense.
There tends to be an agreement of alternation so that not everyone carries the load for all events.
If someone is struggling financially I fully respect a request for some splitting of costs for the meal everyone is eating. And if it was maybe 50$ more than I anticipated I probably would not have blinked, maybe they were out of oil or some staples needed to make the meal
Yet to intentionally buy multiples and extra that seems not to be on the list for people to eat but for themselves… not thrilled by this news for you.
It sounds like they took advantage of the situation and want you to feel guilty. It would have been very reasonable to ask for a receipt at the start and also normally not needed in my past experience.
When splitting things the bill is generally provided.
I feel sorry for you all, mostly the older sister who had to pay for this all. From what I am reading your sister is not poor or desperate, simply opportunistic.
I would not call you bad for asking for a receipt, nor would I call you out on making sure all the Thanksgiving food you paid for was eaten on Thanksgiving and thanking them for leftovers.
This behavior should not be supported or accepted. Be careful in the future and be extremely explicit in expectations, don’t assume acceptable understandings.
NTJ and I suspect not the one who will have the next Thanksgiving.” finallytryingredit
7. AITJ For Telling My Daughter To Rehome Her Dog?
“I have three children: ‘Amy’ (23F) ‘Ben’ (16M) and ‘Zoe’ (11F) Amy recently moved back in because our house is closer to her new job and she also wanted to be closer to us.
Amy brought her dog ‘Max’ with her. (Max is about 5 and a medium-sized spaniel mix for reference.) I explained to Amy beforehand that I really didn’t want pets because we don’t have time for them, especially a dog. But Amy insisted that she would handle everything related to Max, so I allowed her to move in with Max.
This dog has been disrupting our entire household since Amy brought it into the house. Max pees or dumps in the house at least every other day. I’ve caught Amy pretending not to notice the p******p and trying to wait until someone else cleans it up.
Whenever I text Amy that Max peed/dumped in the house, she just texts back ‘L**O’ and acts as if it’s funny.
In the middle of the night (usually 3-4 am) and sometimes in the early morning (5-6 am) Max will bark in the hallway outside our bedrooms non-stop until somebody opens their door.
Amy would give him treats or play with him whenever he did this, so he still tries it. We’ve tried moving Max into a crate at night, but he barks non-stop until he’s let out. Even with a towel covering the crate. Earbuds also don’t work.
It’s affecting all our sleep schedules, especially Zoe because she has insomnia and struggles to fall back asleep even with melatonin. She is not getting enough sleep because of Max and even her teacher reached out to me because it’s affecting her focus in class.
I’ve tried explaining this to Amy, and all she’ll say is ‘Classic Max, always wants a snack/to play!’ (Amy usually sleeps over at her partner’s house. She rarely experiences this and treats Max’s behavior as if it’s funny.)
The last straw is Max’s newest behavior of barreling into people so that they fall down and drop their plates, and then Max can eat the food.
Amy saw this firsthand and watched Zoe get hurt because of Max. Amy was playful with Max and again treated it as if it were funny. I told Amy that we needed to talk now. I sat down with Amy in a different room and told her that we cannot deal with her dog’s behavior anymore and that she needs to either re-home Max in the next few weeks or move out with him.
Amy and Max are currently staying with Amy’s partner.
Now Amy’s aunt, grandmother, and three of her friends have reached out to tell me I was wrong in this situation. They pointed out that Amy has been a great houseguest aside from the issues relating to Max.
And Amy’s had Max since he was a puppy and it would be unimaginable for her to just give him away. They are saying it is my own fault because I did not/am not willing to train Max more thoroughly to help correct these issues.
But that’s exactly why I warned Amy in the first place against moving Max in because I don’t have the time to train him. Plus I don’t see how it’s reasonable to make the whole house suffer because Amy refuses to correct Max’s behavior herself.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Amy has not been a great house guest if she cannot and will not care for or train her dog.
You were upfront when she moved in that you would not care for Max, and that he was 100% Amy’s responsibility.
Amy ignores Max completely, has not house-trained him, has not done obedience training with him, and then goes and spends the night at her partner’s, leaving the rest of the family to deal with Max’s nighttime behavior. Add to this the need to constantly clean up because the poor dog is not house-trained, and it’s a nightmare.
It’s not up to you to train Max. That’s Amy’s responsibility, and she is failing.” MerryMoose923
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I like dogs better than I like people.
Yes, it would be unimaginable for Amy to give away the dog she has had since he was a puppy.
But, it is your house. Amy keeping up with Max was a condition of her moving in. It’s Amy’s dog, Amy’s poop pile. Cleaning up after herself is also a condition of Amy and max living there, and that includes cleaning up after Max. Jumping on people is absolutely forbidden unless Max is a fully trained service dog, and jumping is his alert.
And, in that case, the only one he is allowed to jump on is Amy. Period. Max is howling at night because he wants his person. Why is Max not sleeping in Amy’s room? Or a crate in Amy’s room?
Max and Amy staying with Amy’s partner sounds like the situation has been resolved.
All of your conditions are perfectly reasonable to any responsible dog owner. At most, she could ask the folks who are going to be home if they can let him out when she has a long shift. Maybe drop some kibble in a bowl if she is working late.
She can negotiate with her siblings for walkies. They should expect some kind of payment.
If Amy moves Max into her room at night and she still howls, I can offer Amy some suggestions to quiet him down.” Working-on-it12
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Amy is unconsciously training Max to behave this way.
She’s obviously clueless and considers you and the family as bit-part actors in her human-canine soap opera. Max is her dog, yet she abandons him for a night with her partner because you’re convenient. Max’s training is her responsibility, not yours. Max’s poop is her responsibility (but your problem) and she must, without fail, deal with it and housetrain him.
This is your home and it is unsafe and unsanitary for your children. If the rest of the family thinks you are being harsh, then they should take the two of them on.
It’s simple: do you want the younger kids to go blind? That, precisely, is the issue with dog poop.
Choose now: blind kids or Amy’s poor, entitled attitude.” Thatcsibloke
6. AITJ For Not Encouraging My Daughter To Be Excited For Her New Sibling?
“I (m30) have a daughter (6) from a previous relationship. Her mom we’ll call ‘J’ (f29) and I separated/divorced when our daughter was 2. We have custody split 50/50 which works pretty well.
J got remarried about a year ago and is currently about 30 weeks pregnant.
She has made this pregnancy a big deal especially because she got pregnant and ended up having a miscarriage at 11 weeks. I understand how difficult a miscarriage would be even though I’ve never experienced that loss.
4 days ago J dropped our daughter off and I could tell the daughter was upset so I asked what was wrong.
A daughter was saying how J and everyone always talk about the baby and it makes her sad that J doesn’t care about her anymore. I told her J still loves and cares about her I explained how everyone got excited like a party when babies are born and how it was the same way when she was born.
She said she was not excited. I told her it was okay to not be excited right now and that it was going to be a big change because she’ll be a big sister. I reminded her that she’ll have to teach the baby how to be a good kid and that’s a big job, but you’ll have so much fun and the baby is going to love her so much for teaching them and will want to be just like her and that made her feel better.
We had fun the rest of the time we were together.
Yesterday J came to pick her up and my daughter said Daddy said I don’t have to be excited for the new baby. She also tried saying how I said how she’ll have a big job as the baby’s big sister.
But J instantly got mad and called me a jerk for not encouraging our daughter to be excited about her new sibling. I don’t think what I said was wrong I just told our daughter her feelings are valid and I tried to make her excited for the baby by explaining her new role as the big sister.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for your conversation with your daughter. 10/10 awesome dad stuff there.
But teeny, tiny, slight criticism for not bringing this up with her mom. And not because of mom’s feelings but because your daughter deserves to have both bio parents acknowledge her emotional needs and fears around the situation.
Her mom is a big ol jerk for going off like that – which was totally about her and not what was best for supporting your daughter. You can’t control how she responds, but I wonder if a quick text as a heads up or even a 5-minute chat with bio mom after bedtime could’ve saved a lot of confusion for your daughter.” MoMoJangles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You and your ex need to have a serious discussion about this. If your daughter is already feeling overlooked, it may only get worse once the baby is born. Especially since she is only with her mom 1/2 the time and the baby will be with her mom full time.
Your ex needs to take your daughter’s feelings seriously, acknowledge that this may be hard/confusing for her, and work with you to make sure that your daughter is getting the support and feeling of security she needs.” Forward_Squirrel8879
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – A new sibling is a big event for a child to adjust to, and not all kids are excited about it.
It can be a very stressful time for a child who now has to share the attention of a parent with a new person in their life. And it could be with any parenting situation where this insecurity occurs. You were being a good parent and trying to reassure your daughter that it didn’t mean she wasn’t loved any less and she would still be involved in her mother’s family.
Her mother’s reaction, however, is alarming. There was zero concern for her daughter in that reaction, zero attempts to reassure her, and zero understanding or attempt to reinforce the idea that she isn’t being replaced. And that just screams that she’s going to be.
It could just be a knee-jerk reaction to you as an ex being perceived as butting into her new relationship, but if it’s not you should be on the alert to watch out for your child when the new baby comes.” Sassafrass_And_Brass
Kids are human too. They also deserve respect and for their feelings to be validated, regardless of what they may be.
5. AITJ For Asking My Roommate Who's Going To Watch Her Cat While She's Gone?
“My (23f) roommate (24f) and I have reached a point where we can’t live together anymore and our lease is up in January. We haven’t really talked in months (her choice) as she keeps her door closed and always comes in on the phone so she doesn’t have to talk to me.
We got a cat three years ago right when we moved in together. Since then, I have done all of the primary care for her, like cleaning the litter box, feeding her, intentionally spending time playing with her, cleaning her bowls, and things like that.
However, my roommate’s parents did pay one vet bill as I was still in school and didn’t have the money for it.
Two nights ago I let our cat in my room go to bed. She likes to start the night with me and sometime in the night she usually likes to leave my room.
As soon as I close my door my roommate knocks on my door and tells me that when I let her out, she goes and wakes her up. She then continues to say that she’s HER therapy cat and she’s already done all the paperwork to take ownership.
I was speechless. We hadn’t even had the conversation of who would get her when we parted ways. I followed her into the kitchen and said that was a lot to just dump and walk away and that I couldn’t believe that she would rip ownership away from me without even a conversation.
It escalated (lots of history obviously… but the main points were that we hadn’t talked in months, I said that was her choice, and she said that I was a narcissist who only cared about myself, and I picked when she was at her lowest to confront her.
She also said she had to be perfect and at her best to be ‘worthy of the gift of my friendship’. I did not say much. She talks fast and covers so many topics in one burst it’s hard to respond. I just said that throwing things back at her wouldn’t help and that I didn’t have anything to say) and we stopped talking for the night.
Then yesterday she comes out and says that she didn’t not tell me to be a jerk but she is going home for a couple of days for Thanksgiving. (Side note I texted her weeks ago telling her that I worked thanksgiving and would be around if she wanted to go home, to which she never responded.) I said ok and asked who was going to watch HER cat.
She said I didn’t have to make this ugly and proceeded to call me a coward, and a narcissist, and attack my friends for being emotionally immature (?). So, AITJ for asking who was going to take care of her cat after she stole her without even a conversation?
UPDATE: As soon as I was threatened with ‘paperwork’ I didn’t know I’d have a leg to stand on. I’m taking her to the vet tomorrow to get her chipped, and I have already started compiling all of my receipts for food/litter.
I talked to my new landlord and we’ve reached an agreement so I can move in early. When I tell you I am RUNNING out of here with my cat in tow, I mean it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You seem to be focused on the wrong thing, mainly because you are drowning in this dysfunctional situation.
The issue isn’t if you asked the question. It doesn’t matter because if she leaves the cat with you will you let it starve? No.
Your real issue is if you can afford to pay your final month and leave sometime in December instead of in January.
Also, if you really want the cat, and you bought it, then you should find receipts and establish ownership for it yourself.
Move out first and just take the cat with you. Don’t say a word. Don’t argue with her and don’t speak to her.
There’s no point.” BeeJackson
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and the only paperwork that matters is chip paperwork and unless she’s chipped just take the cat your roommate has no leg to stand on. And if she isn’t chipped go get her chipped under your name and there isn’t a thing she can do to stop it.
I guarantee the paperwork she is talking about is fake emotional support paperwork and that won’t hold up in any court. Honestly just take the cat and run and there’s nothing she can do unless she goes to court and I doubt she’ll be able to afford or prove it’s hers.” Calm-Association2774
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But apologize to her and say you’ll watch the cat. Then when she’s gone you move out of that place and take the cat with you. She doesn’t get to steal your animal.
Microchip the cat in your name with your number and new address.
At this point, I’d give up the deposit and break the lease and when she returns to an empty apartment you can tell her the cat is and has always been yours. She should have bought her own animal to make a therapy cat. Besides if it’s not actually trained and certified, it’s not a real therapy cat.
That requires literally months of training if not years to get a real therapy cat. You can’t just take a random one and ‘make it one’.
The best she can do is declare it an emotional support animal and you can’t do that unless you actually own the animal. If it’s yours she has no rights to it and you can file a police report before she removes it from your possession.
Someone else paying a single vet bill doesn’t give them ownership over your cat op. Don’t let her take it. Do you have its original receipt, early picture when you first got it, and early routine vet bills? If you named yourself as the owner on any documents she doesn’t have a leg to stand on.” depressivedarling
4. AITJ For Selling A Gift My Mother-In-Law Gave To My Son?
“I (26F) live in a small apartment with my spouse and baby. I have OCD and having a cluttered home makes me anxious and I get frustrated really easily. I’m in therapy for the OCD and expressed frustration with a gift my MIL gave our son months ago.
The therapist asked why I didn’t just sell it. It’s one of those bouncer things with toys all around it (circular-shaped, noisy, and big). Our son really didn’t use it much and it took up a lot of space in our living room so I decided to sell it.
MIL gives our son new toys whenever she comes and they are usually large in size. The year she gave me this particular toy, I had told her what toys were okay with me and dad, and she decided to give him what she wanted anyway.
I was mad because MIL blatantly disregarded our wishes, but my husband talked me into keeping it for a while and we’ve had it for months.
Flash forward to today, I sell the toy because our kid just doesn’t use it much and there was a lot of interest in it on social media.
Husband realized I sold it and didn’t really care when I told him why I sold it (baby doesn’t use it, takes up space, etc.). This afternoon on a call with his mom she noticed it wasn’t in the background and asked about it. I told her we sold it and she promptly hung up the phone and sent a text to hubby that said ‘____ selling a toy I BOUGHT for ______ is unacceptable, and you owe me the money she earned for selling it.’.
Then going on to say that I deprived my son of the joy of playing with it later, and said I’m never grateful for the gifts she brings our kid (gifts I tell her not to give him because we want him to learn that having high-quality stuff and taking care of them is better than having lots of cheap stuff to keep him busy.
I want him to learn to entertain himself!).
My husband thinks we should just give her the money to keep the peace, but I think she should’ve listened in the first place, and given our son something he would enjoy. He never used the toy and didn’t even notice it was gone today.
AITJ?
NOTE: I’d also like to point out that my son is almost 3 and plays with more advanced toys at this point. Likewise, we are trying to minimize the stuff in our house because we are moving next year and we don’t need so much stuff.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your home, your child, your rules. Plus, the recipient is always free to do whatever they choose to do with a gift. The fact that your MIL is incapable of understanding the definition of such a basic word is not your problem.
Your problem is your husband. Wanting you to give her money in order ‘to keep the peace’ – excuse me? No, I’m sorry but HIS mother is completely out of line and HE needs to shut her down.
It’s your house, your child, and your rules.
He needs to make that crystal clear to his mother and that HER opinions have absolutely zero weight in your home. So what if she gets upset—her feelings are her own to manage, not yours and not your husband’s.” BringBackBowie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It was a gift, especially one you told her you didn’t want. When someone gives you a gift, they are no longer entitled to it.
You should not have to give the money back. Your husband needs to grow up and stand up to his mom.
You have told her what was acceptable to buy, and she refuses to listen and do what she wants. He needs to stand his ground against her and stop giving in to her.
My suggestion is to take the money and buy something your child needs.
And when she comes over with unwanted gifts, simply tell her to take them back, or you will once again sell them. She has a choice to either listen or watch you sell it and buy things the child actually likes and needs.
It is so disgusting seeing all these men just give in to their mothers, just to keep the peace, and allow their mothers to act that way and get away with it.
Why do they do that?” Shieldmaiden81
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I do think you could maybe be more aware of how something like that comes across. Gifting is a sensitive topic for a lot of people, especially when they feel like they’re providing for their family, and a lot of people feel hurt or offended when people sell or throw away gifts.
Personally, I think you had a good reason and you made the right choice, but I do think it’s worth recognizing that this is a bit of a social faux pas to some people, and may have come across as a deliberate snub to your MIL.
It might be true that your MIL has committed her own social faux pas by giving you unwanted gifts, but I don’t think fighting fire with fire is really the approach you want for building a family.
Assuming you want your MIL in your life and want to make amends, I think you really need to sit down and talk about this.
Acknowledge her hurt feelings, but make sure she acknowledges yours too. Really work out what went wrong here and how it can be avoided in the future, together.” User
3. AITJ For Telling My Parents To Ask My Ex If They Can See Their Grandson?
“I’ve agreed to give my baby to my ex once he’s born. At first, my parents actively encouraged this decision but the further into my pregnancy I’ve gotten, the more they changed their tune.
They’re now promising to support me if I keep him but it’s too late.
They like to talk about my baby like I’m going to be raising him. Yesterday they informed me they would be making a nursery in their home for when he stays with them.
I told them I wasn’t sure if my ex would be willing to let them keep our son but they insisted they would keep him to give me a break.
I reminded them he would be living with my ex so they would need to ask him if they can see our son.
My dad said he wouldn’t ask ‘that jerk’ for anything and I needed to drop the idea that I could just give my son to him and be okay. They told me to stop mentioning my ex to them but I just told them they would still need to ask him if they wanted to see their grandson as it was his choice.
My parents are both angry with me now. My sister thinks I was trying to intentionally goad them and I wasn’t considering how difficult it’s going to be for them to have a grandchild that they’re unlikely to ever see.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They appear to think that either they know better and you’re lying to yourself, or that you’ll come around to their side if they browbeat you enough. They seem to be assuming that when you give birth, biology will take over and you’ll change your mind about giving up your rights to the baby.
You are the only person who can say whether this is likely, but either way, they’re stomping on a repeatedly-set boundary. Your advice to strike up a relationship with the child’s parent and guardian was genuine and good advice!” realshockvaluecola
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You made your decision and they need to accept that and do exactly what you told them.
The only alternative is lying to them or being in communication with your ex on their behalf for eternity.
This should not be a surprise to your parents. Unfortunately, it sounds like they thought your maternal instincts would kick in, and we’re supporting you initially because it felt right at the time, and didn’t process how it would impact their relationship with the baby.
They probably never believed you would go through with it.
You gave them plenty of time to process the fact you are not raising this child, but they didn’t because they believed and continue to believe something different will happen, something that has no basis in reality.
The time is approaching when they will have to swallow their pride, and they need to do that on their own. The only thing you can do is reinforce reality with them, warn your ex and get the advice of an attorney.
Your sister is an even bigger jerk.
Her position boils down to you goaded them because you gave them a practical response that they didn’t want to hear. Like does she think you got pregnant to goad them? That you aren’t conforming to their beliefs to goad them? Does she think you should have lied to them and gotten their hopes up only to hand custody to your ex anyway?
Cause that would actually be goading them into thinking they can play grandparent to this child without ever speaking to your ex. They are goading you by building a whole nursery and acting like they have guaranteed visitation with overnight stays.
Your sister should not be mad at you just because your parents don’t like a decision you made.
She can lend a sympathetic ear to them, but she should be backing you up and encouraging them to develop a relationship with your ex if they really want to know this child and be involved. If she hasn’t already, she will at some point make a decision they don’t like.
She should be mindful of what sort of support she would like to have in that situation and mirror that. Unless she has too much pride as well.
I am sorry you are receiving so many ‘are you sure?’ and judgments about your decision as opposed to the question you literally asked. If you were the dad, you would not be getting that response.” exquisitehashbrowns
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but an important thing to understand about your situation is that you don’t actually get to disappear in this day and age. You cannot control the relationship your parents have with the kid. You cannot control whether the kid will see you as family, will hate you, will stalk you, etc. Regardless of what any legal document says, many people will always see you as a mother who abandoned her kid and will still see the kid as yours.
It’s not fair that men get to do it every day, but that’s the society we live in.
All you can control is where you live and who you talk to. If your parents want visitation or some other long-term relationship, they will likely get it.
You’re very unlikely to get to avoid the kid forever.
I don’t know how you came to this situation instead of terminating your pregnancy, but you definitely chose the path of maximum trauma for everyone involved. I hope you have a good support network and that the ex is a seriously committed dad who will get the kid therapy.” ughwhyusernames
2. AITJ For Staying Home On Thanksgiving?
“My (30sF) MIL (60sF) and I don’t get along. Not for lack of trying on my part, but she’s just been completely uninterested in getting to know me over the last ten years I’ve been with her son (30sM).
She’s made it clear that she doesn’t actually want me at family holidays – she only started inviting me once my husband told her if I wasn’t invited he wouldn’t come. Now I get invited to every holiday, but each visit is a grueling test of endurance when it comes to my anxiety – even though MIL lets me in the house she makes it clear that I am unwanted and a burden the entire time.
Last year, my FIL was very ill for Thanksgiving, and my husband asked me if I would mind staying home by myself so his mother didn’t have the ‘additional stress’ of my presence. I was a little hurt that he would ask, but given I knew his father’s illness was terminal, I swallowed it down and told him to enjoy his time with his dad.
And it was honestly the best Thanksgiving I’d had in years. No need to worry about family obligations, putting on a fake smile, and pretending I don’t hear his mother talking crap about me to relatives in the next room. I just got some comfort food for myself, cooked it, and played video games all day.
My FIL passed last January, and I’ve spent most of my emotional energy helping my husband grieve. My MIL specifically asked me not to attend the funeral as she didn’t want to see a ‘happy marriage’ as a new widow, so I didn’t go. I literally haven’t seen any member of my husband’s family since last Christmas – which was just as stressful as all the previous holidays.
Well, Thanksgiving is this week, and my MIL invited both of us to go. My husband immediately accepted without consulting me, but when he mentioned it I told him I’d rather stay home by myself. He was fine with it but told me he was still going to go since his mother invited me.
I told him to have fun, but I was tired of putting on a performance when I’m obviously not wanted.
My husband was a little offended that I said that and brought up that she’s a new widow. I reiterated to him all the ways she’s frozen me out over the last decade (too many to mention), not just after his father’s passing, and that he told me she’d warm up to me when we got engaged (she didn’t), then when we got married (she didn’t).
I told him I’m tired of pouring emotional energy into a one-sided relationship, and if I have my way, I’ll spend Christmas at home, too.
He’s still upset that I don’t want to go but stopped kicking up a fuss about it. Still, I care about him deeply, so I thought I’d double-check by asking here.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – He may be upset that he cannot ‘fix’ the relationship, but I feel he is not upset with you. He likely wants the ‘perfect’ holiday with family. It is just not going to happen. It does bug me that he has not put a stop to her nasty behavior over the years.
You were barred from the funeral now she wants you to attend things again? She has gotten away with it for all these years, is it going to change? You are happy for him to spend time with his family and enjoy spending the day doing what you want to do without any stress.
Enjoy your day. Any chance you could get a ‘headache’ at Christmas? I am sure you have one just thinking about going.” Nelly_WM
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband clearly decided that he ‘fixed it’ when he put his foot down and insisted that you should be invited and is refusing to acknowledge his mother’s ongoing treatment of you because he doesn’t want to have actually to stand up to her for real.
This doesn’t feel very sustainable in the long term. She probably still won’t warm up to you if you have children, but you’ll have more obligations to see her. I’m guessing you haven’t asked him to pick a side because the writing’s on the wall that he wouldn’t pick you.
As far as family optics go, ‘I didn’t go because my MIL openly hates me’ isn’t actually worse than ‘I went, but I had a miserable time because my MIL openly hates me.’ At least this way you can pretend you had other plans.
Is your own family still in the picture?” angelcat00
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t mention if your family or parents are still in the picture so I can’t say if you should be trying to spend time with them instead. Since it’s the 1st year since FIL passed away, I’d give your husband a pass this year.
Next year, different story. It’s time for you and your hubby to start building your own holiday traditions. Both of you need to stay home and don’t invite MIL to visit. She is beyond openly hostile to you – at least he stood up for you (sort of).
He needs to stand up for you again.” TechnologyLivid9247
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your MIL is the jerk for excluding you from the funeral when your husband could have benefited from you being there for support. Also, were there any other couples at the funeral?
It sounds like she made up that excuse to not want to see a ‘happy couple’ just so you wouldn’t come. She had also made it known that she considers you as ‘stressed’ and who would want to be around someone who thinks of you like that?
The MIL definitely needs a talk with her son about the way she treats you.
However, this is going to be the first Thanksgiving your husband spends without his dad, and if you’re up for it I think it would be a nice gesture to be with him, despite the jerk being there.
Either way, NTJ.” Bnovel
1. AITJ For Not Wearing My Second Engagement Ring?
“My fiancé gave me two engagement rings. The one he proposed with is smaller and simpler but more my style.
The second ring is a family heirloom and while it’s lovely, it’s not the type of ring I would be comfortable wearing every single day. When he gave me the second ring, he told me he wanted me to wear it on special occasions and at certain events because it was more fitting.
I’ve only worn the second ring once and I almost lost it so I haven’t worn it since.
It was his cousin’s wedding on the weekend and he asked me to wear the second ring. I originally was going to wear it but I felt so paranoid so I switched back to my usual ring before we left.
I didn’t expect anybody to notice or care but his extended family kept bringing it up and multiple people asked my fiancé why he hadn’t proposed with the heirloom ring. I know his uncle pulled him aside and asked him if he was even serious about me since he didn’t give me the right ring.
We’ve been fighting over it since the wedding as he’s upset I didn’t wear the ring after I said I would and because I knew how important that ring is to his family. He thinks I should’ve known his family would ask questions and he admitted he thinks he should’ve just proposed with the heirloom ring instead.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, he has made his wishes clear twice. Once when he told you he would like you to wear the ring on special occasions and then again specifically for this occasion. The only way I would see you not being the jerk is if you had made your change of mind and worries clear before going to the wedding, which it doesn’t sound like.
He obviously holds the heirloom ring dear to him and knows it’s not your style because he got you a different ring on purpose. He seems to be putting more thought into your feelings and what’s important to you than you are to him.
I would share your paranoia with him about losing the ring that clearly holds a lot of significance in his family.
Make clear that you understand how important it is to him and that the worst thing that could happen in your mind is losing it. You were only trying to keep it safe with good intentions and didn’t expect such an outcome to occur. Have a discussion about what to expect in the future with the ring.
Also a question, how did you almost lose it last time? Was it ill-fitting? What happened?
Edit: Not wearing the ring = does not make her bad
Not telling him she changed her mind = makes her bad” Active_Credit_6941
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
it’s just a freaking ring.
You get to decide what ring you wear.
The fact that his family is so freaking hung up on this ring is screaming red flags.
You should look back through your relationship and see what else you’ve missed.
He knows the ring isn’t your style, and yet keeps pressing you to wear it.
You should reiterate that it’s not your style and that you don’t really like to wear it, and that you’re tired of his family harping on the ring.
Next time someone in his family mentions the ring, just tell them that you like it but you don’t like wearing it and it’s not your style.
Keep telling them it’s not your style until they stop asking. Remind them that YOU get to choose what ring you wear and you’re going to wear the one you like.” Intrepid-Database-15
Another User Comments:
“Slight YTJ for keeping the ring when you don’t intend to use it.
It’s fine to not want to wear it every day but you’ve indicated that you’ll never wear it again. It’s clear that it’s important to him and his family that the ring is present at certain events, so ask your fiancé to return it to his parents and have it passed on to someone who’s comfortable being its caretaker.
Presumably, his mother used it, there’s nothing wrong with her keeping it until you have a child that will be comfortable wearing it or giving it to their fiancé.” Much-Pumpkin-3706
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You knew that your fiancé wanted you to wear the ring and agreed to do so.
You either should not have agreed or you should have worn the ring for this event. As a minimum, you should have informed your fiancé of your change in plans.
Your fiancé is the jerk for clearly wanting the heirloom ring to be your engagement ring when it isn’t your style and it only causes you stress.
The fact that he is regretting not just proposing with the heirloom ring is a massive sign that he’s annoyed that you just won’t go with his vision for a piece of jewelry that you will have to wear every day. He’s treating you like a doll that he wants to dress up and not like a person with her own taste.
And I’m mortified for the bride and groom. It’s completely inappropriate that the extended family members focused so much on your engagement ring at someone else’s wedding. It’s completely inappropriate behavior. Having said that, you both should have tried to circulate among his family with the ring (or with your actual engagement ring) prior to the wedding to avoid this type of distraction on the day of the wedding.
This is way more on your fiancé than you, to be fair since he is the one who should have expected this level of frenzy over the ring.” glimpseeowyn
