People Can't Help But Wonder, "Am I The Jerk?"
15. AITJ For Refusing To Delete A Video That Offended My Family?
This is a good example of scapegoat versus golden child.
“I have a sister that’s 6 years older than me.
My parents for years canceld on me last minute because of my sister. I have a basketball game. Oops, sorry; Sister doesn’t feel like going out.
I am graduating. Oops, sorry; Sister had a bad day at work. They have missed both major and smaller events in my life because of her meltdowns.
I met the love of my life. We decided to tie the knot. From the beginning, I told my parents how I am worried my sister will ruin another special moment in my life.
My mom told me over and over again it would not happen.
The day of my wedding. I received a voicemail from my mom saying they couldn’t come because my sister’s dog was sick and she was upset.
I was hurt, my best man however is a jokester.
He took my phone then went to my fiancé and asked if he could post a video of our wedding as a gift. On social media. She loved his idea.
I had no idea about it until I came home. Our honeymoon was at a lakeside cabin.
No cell service.
The post caption was “My best friend. He is an amazing person even if his parents NEVER showed up for him. The video was still pictures of us next to her parents, me on the dance floor, cutting the cake. Where you would normally see both parents in wedding pictures.
The sound behind the video was my mom’s voicemail explaining how they couldn’t come because my sister’s dog was sick.
I came home a week later to hundreds of messages. Family members from both sides, insisting I take it down. I was told my sister hasn’t stopped crying.
My mom is refusing to leave the house.
I may be the jerk here. I didn’t take it down when I got my messages. I didn’t call my family back right away. I waited until my vacation time was over at work and enjoyed my time with my Wife.
In our new home. Before I contacted anyone.
My dad told me to take down the video. It was “just a bad night for them.” That they will make it up to me and my wife for not coming. My reply was exactly how do you plan to “make up” my wedding?
It’s a once-in-a-lifetime thing. You choose to ignore my feeling on the whole matter.
Then he just repeated he will make it up to me. I told him I would take down the video only when he made up for missing my wedding. Flustered we both hung up the phone before we both said things we shouldn’t have.
Am I the jerk here? I could have just taken down the video.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
My parents missed my wedding too all because my sister didn’t want to come because my husband is from Italy, and we had it in his hometown, and she didn’t like the weather forecast. Lol.
No joke. Even despite their tickets and accommodation being paid for. (Story of my life. Missed events due to her issues/needs, and I can’t/don’t even blame my sister because she’s so enabled by my parents enabling & doesn’t know better.)
Didn’t know until the night before needing to pick them up at the airport.
I cried and then laughed and then got married without them.
Never spoke to anyone ever again and been no contact for almost 15 years.
You get to a point where you realize that what you allow will continue.
Don’t ever take that video down.
Let them be reminded every year it comes up that they are to blame and their mistakes are the reason you cut them off.” keiko1984
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It was “just a bad night” out of many, many other “bad nights” where they ignored you in favor of your sister’s whims. See if your best man can pull up footage of your graduation, and maybe pictures from games they missed, and produce a “greatest hits” compilation video to post right next to the wedding video.” big_bob_c
Another User Comments:
“In cases like this, I’m in favor of a straight conversation. It goes something like this:
“Listen, you guys don’t love me. You don’t like me. You don’t want me in your life. For reasons I don’t understand, you’ve chosen to prioritize every ridiculous excuse my sister has and let it ruin any chance of a relationship with me.
Given that you let her “sick dog” cause you to miss my wedding, I think it’s time for us to call it on this relationship. I’m going to go ahead and let you guys go. This relieves you of any effort to pretend you care about me.
I forgive you and I’m letting you go. I won’t be contacting you anymore, under any circumstances. I won’t accept any communications from you, either. You are welcome to stalk my social media for pictures of my future kids, but my guess is that if Sister finds out, she’ll have a meltdown, and you’ll stop just to make her feel better.
That’s ok too.”
And then, my love, walk away. Make your own family. There’s no value in letting them continue to minimize your life.
NTJ.” Mirabai503
14. AITJ For Calling My Partner Gross For Not Washing Her Hair?
“I am (23M) and I have been with my partner “Laila” (22F) for 6 months. Everything has been really great so far.
But 2 days ago, I stayed for a few days with Laila in her apartment (which she shares with 2 roommates, all women.) Also, I have to note that Laila has long hair, almost down to her butt, but not quite.
We both had 3 days off and her roommates went to go stay with their family for a week (I think they’re sisters?) Anyway, they gave us the okay for me to stay at their place for 3 days.
Well, the second morning, Laila was called into work for just a couple of hours to help with something that her coworkers weren’t trained for yet. Anyway, she went and then came back and took a shower.
When she got out, I noticed that her hair was still dry and she didn’t wash it.
“Forget something?” I asked. She looked confused so I told her that she didn’t wash her hair. Laila just laughed and explained to me that she just washed her hair yesterday.
Me: “So? You aren’t going to wash it today?”
Her: “…no? You aren’t supposed to wash your hair every day.”
Me “says who? I wash my hair every day.”
Her “yeah but you have very short hair. It’s a known fact that washing your hair every day is not good for it.”
At this point, I was very skeptical as this sounds made up and just an excuse to be lazy.
You would think, if you have longer hair then that’s more of a reason to wash it more often. So I asked her how often she washes her hair and she said “twice a week” at which point I told her that she was gross and she got very upset and locked herself in her room.
She didn’t come out for a long time so I just left and went home. She hasn’t answered my calls or spoken to me since. I asked my friends, and they seem split. My sister and 2 of my friends told me that I was the jerk, but 2 of my other friends said that I’m in the right and it sounds weird that she doesn’t wash her hair daily.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, rude and wrong! It’s hard on long hair to wash it often. Part of how one gets healthy long hair is often not washing it often. Most modern shampoos strip a lot of moisture, and it’s better to strip less often rather than strip and replace daily.
Not to mention, hair is much more fragile when wet, so washing daily = more broken and splitting strands. Twice a week is a perfectly normal amount of washes for a long-haired person, especially if they aren’t working manual labor and getting really grimy/sweaty every day.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
There are a lot of chemicals in most shampoos that dry out the hair shaft and can actually make things like dandruff and seborrheic dermatitis worse. You have very short hair, and chances are that you get your hair cut often enough that you don’t realize the damage done to the ends.
She has very long hair, which she clearly wants to take care of. There are, in fact, many people who don’t even use shampoo on their hair and only use conditioner (it’s called co-washing).
Tbh, I hope she doesn’t answer any of your calls or texts.
Someone who chooses to be ignorant and hurtful without bothering to look something up first is pretty gross.” LetThemEatHay
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
While it is a bit of a myth that the whole daily washing is not healthy, the fact is that every person has a different need based on their hair.
Type of hair follicle, if it’s oily/dry, length, etc.
People with very long hair tend to take extra good care of it which means she knows the best routine for her hair. Plus there is a ton of products nowadays for in-between washes to refresh it.
Including dry shampoos and etc.
If her hair has a tendency to be dry, washing it once or twice a week is recommended so it doesn’t go even drier. The opposite would be super oily hair that you might even have to wash twice a day or use some drying powders etc. It’s all very particular to each person.
You were extremely rude to make those assumptions and to call her gross. If you never noticed her hair smelling bad and it always looks hydrated and well cared for, it’s because she is doing a good routine for it. Go Google it before calling other people gross.
I’m also assuming most of the friends who agreed with you were male since you conveniently left out their genders out.” ladylyrande
13. AITJ For Looking For My Biological Father After Feeling Neglected By My Family?
“I’m a child of infidelity. My mom was having an affair on my dad and I’m the result. My three other siblings are my dad’s.
I just turned 15.
The news came out about 6 months ago and I’ve been staying with my grandparents ever since. That was my dad’s condition to stay with my mom and try to make things work. I’m being treated like garbage by everyone because of it (parents, relatives, siblings, even friends).
I haven’t talked to my dad ever since I left, I talk to my mom once a week, and about 2 months ago asked her to give me information about my biological father. She refused but I managed to figure it out (my aunt, the only one who still treats me like before, had her suspicions about who he might be).
I reached out, we did DNA tests, and confirmed everything.
My bio father did not know I exist and is excited, his family is cool too. He told me he didn’t know my mom was married at the time and he left her upon learning.
His wife and little kids are also excited, so I started spending time with them and have so far had a great time.
This has been secret so far (except for my aunt) but I was found out after I was video calling my dad earlier today by my grandparents and now my mom and “dad” also know, and they came here telling me how hurt they are by my actions.
I insisted that I’m hurt by their actions but they said they were just trying to figure things out and what I’ve done is effectively giving up and trying to replace them. To be honest I have given up as I don’t feel like part of the family anymore.
I asked what they did expect to happen and my mom told me to trust her that she will make things right for me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you will never be the A in a situation like this where your relatives decided to discard you and your mother decided that her relationship with a man who decided you were no longer his daughter (after raising you for 15 years) was more important than her kid.
Good on your bio dad for actually wanting a relationship with you and good on your grandparents for letting you stay with them even if they are grumpy.
Keep building a relationship with your bio dad, OP, and don’t let what your mother tells you get to you.” haliesunbeams
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your parents literally shipped you away, and your “dad” made you not living with his family a condition of saving his marriage. Your entire family treating you like crap is bogus as heck. You didn’t do anything wrong – your mom did.
All you’ve done is exist – not exactly like you chose this, or knew about it and kept it a secret.
Your bio dad sounds like an amazing person to have accepted you into his family’s life so quickly and lovingly. Your mom and ‘dad’ owe you an apology, not the other way around.
I hope this works out such that you have two loving families, but don’t kowtow to your parents in asserting that you gave up on them when it’s clearly the other way around.” CacophonicAcetate
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Clearly, the adults in your life are incapable of seeing beyond their own hurts.
You are innocent in this story and yet you are the one who got punished. Your bio dad clearly cares way more than them. I don’t know if it would be possible to get him to have custody but absolutely rely on him. Maybe he can help you confront your family.
And talk to your aunt.
Your „parents“ and other relatives need to understand that they are acting absolutely horribly. You are a child. Not at fault for anything. And because they treated you like crap, you went to find someone who cares. Tell them that they are selfish and immature and you are done being their punching bag for something you had no fault at.
Tell them you are a person and they don’t deserve you in their lives and that you deserve better than them.
Honestly, kid, I am so ridiculously angry right now. I really want to yell at them for you. Keep us updated!” LittleFairyOfDeath
12. AITJ For Refusing To Give My Step Sibling's My Mom's Wedding Dress And Ring?
What the mother says goes. Respect her wishes.
“I (18f) got into a heated fight with my twin step-siblings (29f and 29m) and the whole family is on their side.
My step-siblings who are getting married on the 20th of January (decided to marry their significant other on the same day because they are twins) came to me demanding to have my mother’s wedding dress (for my sister Carly) and wedding ring (for Brother Carl).
Since I was a kid I loved my mom’s wedding ring as its the only thing lifted from my real father (he died before I was born).
She promised me that when I get married I can have the ring and her wedding dress to my wedding.
I got excited and like every kid started to dream about it, imagining her walking me down the aisle, but sadly, my mother passed away 2 years ago. When I was 5, my mother married a wonderful man that treated her like a queen and treated me like his own, and even after her death, he made sure I was okay and kept taking care of me even tho I was not his child.
Me and Carly were talking about dresses the other day and what dress she will pick for me as I will be the ring bearer(they didn’t trust a child) the conversation shifted to wedding dresses and how she still hasn’t picked one. I told her my plans and showed her the ring and wedding dress (who are safe-kept with my grandparents), and she was quiet and told me she had something to do and left I shrugged it as nothing.
Fast forward a week ago, I get called into the living room with my father, Carl, and Carly waiting. The moment I stepped into the living room heck was brought upon me. Both twins started demanding to give them the ring and dress because it’s a piece of their mother too.
I refused, saying that I promised mother that the ring will be my wedding ring and if I gave Carly the dress, she will ruin it, Carly flipped and started crying saying I was ruining both of their weddings, after a few minutes of me still refusing because I know Carly will ruin the dress one way or another
Our father looked at me and said, “If you won’t listen, you have to leave the house. They also were your mother’s children and would love to have her with them.” I was shocked. Father who knows and was there with the promises kicked me out because I said no. I still refused and left the house.
I was kicked out of the wedding and I’ve been getting calls nonstop from the whole family saying how I was selfish and ruined the family and was childish for taking a promise made as a kid seriously. I’m staying with my grandparents until I get my life together.
I feel guilty because they loved my mom (me and the twins never were close); it’s the only thing of her and Dad that I have.
So am I AITJ?
1-Yes, I moved with my grandparents.
2-Yes, I told my grandparents about this..
3-The dress and ring and safe-kept with my late fathers’ parents (my only grandparents) as they adored my mother and were supportive of me doing this.
4-My mother had no will or anything to her name and what she left for me, it’s always with my grandparents. The house I used to live in was Stepfather’s ex’s house.
5-Mom’s second wedding dress and ring are with Stepfather, and when I asked about them, he said he doesn’t know where they are.
6- My mother married my stepfather when the twins were 16 and I was 5, and no, we are not blood-related.
7-My stepfather didn’t officially adopt Me (though I planned to give him the papers on my birthday before the wedding) so any important papers are with my grandparents again.
8-They didn’t know of the ring or dress of the first wedding until that conversation.
9-My mother left carl and Carly both a gold bracelet as a memory of her (she wore them all the time).
10-I tried to reason with Carly to just wear the wedding dress for the ceremony without much altering to the design itself, just size up or down.
She refused and still wants to wear it throughout the whole event and change a few things. I said no. I might work around with the dress if she agrees to not wear it the whole event and promise to be careful and without changing much.
11-In my future wedding, I plan on wearing her dress just for the vows, a few pictures, and will change back out of it. I saw this idea of someone using the veil as a shall. so I will do that for the rest of the night with a different outfit.
Mom is small-sized person, so I have to size up the dress a little to fit me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I honestly don’t know whether to be livid or laugh. If they loved her and want to honor her they can wear their gold bracelets or tell their dad to find the dress and ring she wore to their wedding.
It’s completely inappropriate for them to demand your inheritance from YOUR MOTHER AND FATHERS WEDDING. They are yours and yours alone. Clearly, your mother knew something like this would happen which is why she left you an inheritance with your paternal grandparents rather than in the house.
Now let’s get on to the fact that she was not their biological mother and came into their lives much later. Why would you want to wear something from your step-parents’ previous marriage? Why not wear the dress she wore to her wedding with your father?
Or better yet the dress THEIR MOTHER wore to her marriage to their dad. ENTITLED, SELFISH, SPOILED behavior enabled by their father and the rest of the family.
In all honesty, you’re better or without them in your life stay with your grandparents until you get sorted and keep in contact with them.
But steer clear of step-family they clearly don’t care about you or your feeling NOR do they respect your late mother’s feelings. They’re jealous and manipulative.
If you give them the items you’ll never see them again. Respect yourself, the items, and your mother’s wishes.
You are not the jerk; they are and anyone encouraging their behavior.” a-_rose
Another User Comments:
“Might be a bit controversial but ESH… You should definitely not have to give up the ring if it belonged to your biological mother and she promised you’d get it.
If your brother gets it and he and his partner then split up there’s no guarantee it will stay in your family but I do think you could’ve handled the dress better. Talked to her more calmly about being careful with it. A dress can be repaired or restored and it doesn’t have to cost a fortune.
You could both wear it to your respective wedding days. But they have no right to demand these things of you or start yelling at you when you refused. And the stepdad asking you to leave also wasn’t the best way to handle this. All in all, yeah, ESH.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, please do not give in to them. If it’s important they have your mother’s dress, then they can have the one from her marriage to their father. The problem is that they don’t like its style so think they can demand this.
No, they can not; this was for you and it wasn’t special to them the same as your mum did not wear it to marry their dad unlike you.
Your mom would not have wanted them to act like this and it was important to her that you had the dress.
They are not even talking about sharing they just expect you to give up the two things that were left to you. So Carl’s wife can have the ring permanently and Carly wants to change the dress a lot. Do not do it.
I can guarantee you that the twins think they should have these things to keep.
She would not give it but if forced would probably ruin it for you first, Do not give it at all.
Your stepfather can not in any sense be called a father he is the worst type of person, and it’s been hard not to type the names I truly want to say he is.
They have shown they do not care about you. That you were only tolerated out of a feeling they had no choice. They are all so wrong for demanding this but throwing you out of your home and constantly bullying you is sickening. Especially as they are all grown adults bullying you.
I am sorry. This must be heartbreaking for you, please stay with your grandparents as your step-family has clearly shown you how little they feel about you. I know you loved them and so did your mum but continuing to live with them after this you wil be treated like crap and shown you are unwelcome even by your stepdad.
Stay with the family that loves you and either go low contact or no contact with them. As I feel this is the only way you filled get peace and not have your mental health constantly harmed. I’m just so glad your grandparents are there for you.
Please don’t go back they wronged you in so many ways and you never once did anything wrong here and are never to blame for selfish entitled toxic people.” Sweet-Interview5620
11. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For Pizza Because It Had Pineapple On It?
Many people don’t like pineapple on pizza, but this may be a little extreme.
“I (25F) don’t like pineapple. It makes my mouth itch (I’m not sure if it’s an allergy since it seems to happen to quite a few other people I know as well) and I don’t like the flavor, so I tend to stay away from it.
Naturally, this means I’m in the “no pineapples on pizza” camp where even picking it off isn’t an option for me. Of course, this has led to ridicule from friends and family alike and I like to believe I’m a good sport about it: always gentle ribbing and banter even though I genuinely cannot eat it, though there are a few in my circle that seem to think it’s “all in my head” and I “just haven’t had a good Hawaiian yet”.
One such person is Bob(27M), who I met in uni and have been friends with for about 6 years. Somehow, Bob and I have never been in a situation where I have had to decline eating pineapples so he’s never been in a position to force that on me… until tonight.
Bob and his partner Jamie(28M) threw a party to celebrate their anniversary (their get-together story involves quite a bit of our friend group) and we were all responsible for at least one thing. I volunteered to pay for the pizzas (3 large) since I was at work all day and couldn’t help with anything else.
We all agreed on cheese since it was the safest bet for everyone and I arrived at their house thinking that the agreement stood. Graciously, Jamie let me use his bathroom so I could clean up after work and when I came out, the delivery person was in the entryway with the 3 pies, a smug-looking Bob, 2 of our mutual friends, and a nervous-looking Jamie.
The delivery person handed me the receipt while telling me the total and I realized that Bob had ordered 3 large Hawaiian pizzas. Then he said.
“Can’t run away from it now. I promise you’ll love it.”
I argued that I genuinely couldn’t eat the pizza and I wouldn’t be paying for them if this is just some attempt to force me to eat it, one of our friends called me dramatic, while the other played mediator with Jamie.
Then, Bob said that if I wasn’t going to pay for the pizzas then I could leave… so I left. Jamie texted later to apologize but a few of our friends are saying that I’m the jerk for “ditching my responsibilities” and that “it was fine because there were other foods”.
People are generally pretty torn on the situation, so Reddit… aitj?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to go with YTJ, or at least explain why all your friends think you’re a jerk while everyone here doesn’t.
The bottom line is that you agreed to something as part of the party.
This wasn’t a dinner with Bob, this was a party, and your role was to pay for pizzas. It’s not different than if you were in charge of beer but we’re the DD, or if you were in charge of buying cupcakes but didn’t like them.
Sometimes at parties, people are in charge of something they aren’t going to partake in, and that’s fine.
Bob is a bigger jerk, but this is something you take up in private. By not paying for the thing you agreed to pay for (even though you got screwed), you could have put out your friends who had nothing to do with this (if they all had to pool change for pizza) or screwed a delivery guy (if Bob paid he likely wouldn’t have been a good tipper).
So I’m not saying your wrong to feel the way you do, or that Bob isn’t a bigger jerk, but you still should pay for part of the party you agreed to, even if you didn’t partake.” Zap__Dannigan
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Who orders 3 large pizzas with all the same controversial toppings for a party when you know the person paying can’t eat a major topping?
FFS, even when my kiddos were little and we had birthday parties for them, we ordered 2 cheese pizzas, one pepperoni (even though I’m not a fan of pepperoni), and one sausage (because I have one kiddo who freaking loves sausage pizza). Even when parents were invited, they could find something to eat between the choices.
When I was in my 20s, if pizza was one of the main offerings, we always had a variety of pizzas so everyone would have something to eat unless they were vegan (much less common when I was in my 20s).
Bob sounds like a huge jerk and I think Jamie is realizing that now.
I hope you and Jamie stay friends and that y’all kick Bob and the jerks who are on his side to the curb.” spiker713
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Hold your ground. He’s a jerk, first off let’s say you only budgeted for the 3 cheese pizzas 3 Hawaiians at least in my country is at a minimum $10 more each than a cheese, so that’s an extra $30 to ‘prove a point.’ Absolutely the heck not.
The fact that you can’t even eat it makes it even more egregious. Didn’t even switch just one but all of them!? Like it’s not a prank it’s just bullying and making you pay for it.
Hold your ground. Honestly the fact that people really wanted to die on this hill cause it’s not that bad!?
Like I love pineapple hate it on pizza and can’t even eat pork I absolutely would have kicked off a lot more than you did If I was in your position.
Don’t let them guilt you into anything what he did is wrong and the fact that it’s causing problems in his relationship is not your problem.
Honestly, the fact that your friends are trying to guilt you is nasty behavior on their part.” MyFriendsCallMeTempy
10. AITJ For Calling The Cops On My Niece For Taking My Car?
“I (46F) live on a farm with my husband and 2 kids. My brother Dwayne (38) has a daughter, we’ll call her Emma (15). My brother and his wife have always been very quick to compliment me on the behavior of my children. Angela (my sister-in-law) confides in me about Emma’s troubles.
Emma is very reckless, shoplifts, drinks, has an older partner, and gets into fights at school. Shes also constantly suspended in and out of school. Over the summer Emma had a run-in with the law and they were told that if she didn’t straighten up her act that she would end up in prison.
They were suggested and tried therapy, but Emma never would participate.
Dwayne asked me if I would take Emma, and teach her some responsibility. The arrangement was that I would take Emma for the final month of summer, enroll her in school here, and keep her for the first semester.
If all went well, Emma was welcome to stay with us. Otherwise, other options would be explored (those of which are unknown to me).
Emma did not do well all through July. Her partner drove over to visit her, to my dismay. I tried to make him leave, but it caused some backlash so I figured I would set visitation, then ween her time from him more and more.
Then I caught her smoking one of those electronic devices, twice. She would never do any of the work asked, would talk back, steal food, break things, and would be rude to my children. All of that could be dealt with.
I knew that once school came around she needed to be more disciplined, so one morning we got into an argument because I told her I was chaining up the fridge, and that she better act right or else she will be forced to scavenge for her food around the farm and cook it herself.
If she doesn’t want to contribute, she gets nothing the household has worked for. She was livid, throwing stuff, stomping her feet, and making rude gestures.
My son and I left to go tend to the animals’ morning duties and told her that she better catch up to get some chicken tonight or start preparing to pick some vegetables for herself.
After an hour of work, I sent my son back home to get me a change of pants due to a fall. He came back asking me if dad had taken my car. We quickly realized Emma had stolen my car. Not only that, but she did not have a license, only a permit.
I did what any reasonable person would do in this situation and called the police. They found her 2 hours later and arrested her, saying she was to be charged with a misdemeanor for driving without a license, and I believe Joyriding.
My brother and his wife are furious with me.
They told me “She steals our cars all the time and always brings em back” which, that would have been good information for me to know beforehand. My family is siding with them that calling the police when knowing she would be arrested was a jerk move.
Just to tack this on so I don’t have to reiterate this to everyone who comments about the fridge bit ;
That was more or less an empty threat. If it came to it though, I can’t say I would have totally ruled that out as crossing the line
ALSO, about stealing food :
Part of what I do is bake and sell what I make at a farmers market nearby. She would take cakes, pies, and other pastries I would make and eat them herself. I would make some little versions for the kids, but she would take the whole portion meant for sale and eat it herself, and throw out the extra.
She would throw away 3/4ths of a cake.
Please note we live on a vegetable farm. She has access to vegetables and fruits. When I say “scavenge” I mean go outside and pick something to eat and cook. I’m not denying her food.”
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
I’m baffled you agreed to this in the first place. Do you have experience dealing with troubled teenagers?
You have other children in the house. You have animals. This sounds like there could have been a safety issue from the start.
I also don’t think your consequences were the best way to handle the situation.
Locking the fridge? Scavenge from the farm?
I understand this arrangement came out of desperation but this wasn’t the answer.
A fifteen-year-old with a history of stealing cars clearly needs more than what her parents provided. Something’s really off.
Sometimes children can receive all the help possible and still need more.
I know a few parents who devote themselves to giving their children the care and attention they need, knowing that their children’s mental struggles mean everything may not be enough.
I have no idea if that’s the case here and I have no idea what the parents should have done instead, although it sounds like your nice needs inpatient care and therapy.
However, while I don’t know what the answer should be, I know this arrangement wasn’t it.” EmpressJainaSolo
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
First the obvious. Emma sucks for her horrible behavior. Your brother and SIL suck even more for not doing a better job of disciplining her and not informing you of all of the potential problems you might have with her at your house.
She has seriously stolen their car multiple times and hasn’t faced consequences?
Now on to the part that you clearly don’t get. You suck for not making sure you fully understood the situation and not having a good plan in place for dealing with her.
With how much trouble she had already caused before she even came to stay with you why was she even allowed electronics? Her phone, computer, and any other electronics should have been left with her parents.
When a problem did occur you immediately gave in.
The partner should have been made to leave immediately. If her refuses the police should have been called on him. If she attempted to leave with him and he allowed her to the police should have been called. Depending on how old he is he could have been charged with kidnapping.
Calling the police when she stole the car was the right thing to do but it should have never been allowed to get to that point.” Ranos131
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Press charges. She stole your car and it is insane that your family is mad at you.
She’s not your responsibility and your children don’t deserve to have to deal with being around someone like that. Send her back to her parents and tell them they did a terrible job at parenting.
And point out that if something isn’t done about her behavior it’s only going to get worse.
She needs to learn the actions have consequences.
And you should tell her exactly to her face that doing these things doesn’t make her cool, that it’s sad and pathetic. That her parents may let her get away with it but once she’s 18 there is nothing they can do to stop her from serious trouble and if she wants to end up in prison the rest of her life that’s on her.” rainbow_mak3r
9. AITJ For Kicking My Sister Out For Eating My Croissants?
“My older sister, “Rosa.” and I are not close. Rosa and I come from a family with wealthF. Growing up, we lived in a nice house with staff to do stuff for us. Our parents ever encouraged us to be independent and spoiled us beyond compare.
I never got a “normal childhood,” and I got the biggest culture shock when I left for university. I had to unlearn a lot of the classist thoughts that I grew up with. I moved away from my parents and I rarely speak to them.
My parents tend to baby Rosa. In my opinion, this has caused her to become very entitled. She overreacts when things don’t go her way, and complains about everything/everyone when they make small mistakes. I do not speak to her often.
A few weeks ago, Rosa called me and told me that my parents kicked her out of their house for a few weeks.
She refused to tell me the details but I could tell that she was very distraught. She asked me if she could stay with me for two weeks because she didn’t want to live in a hotel. I was a bit hesitant, but my wife, “Amy,” convinced me to let her stay.
The first thing I noticed about Rosa is that she is incapable of doing basic tasks. She can’t boil water on the stove, can’t boil an egg, and can barely fold her own clothes. On the second day of her stay, she left the stove unattended while she went outside.
It’s so bad that I almost consider her to be a hazard in the kitchen.
Because of Rosa’s inability to do anything, it’s caused Amy and I to do everything for her. We have to constantly clean up for her (and she leaves huge messes) and it gets very frustrating.
Amy feels bad for Rosa and offered to teach her a few things. Rosa declined because “she doesn’t need to,” but Amy managed to convince her. Amy tried to teach her how to hold a knife properly, how to fold a t-shirt, and how to make a bed.
Instead of trying to learn, Rosa would give up and claim that she couldn’t do it and that it would be much better if Amy did it for her since she’s much better at “those things” compared to her. Amy tried for a few days before she gave up.
Amy made croissants. They took 2 days to make and she made 18 in total. The next day, Amy and I were out all day and didn’t get to eat much. Imagine my surprise when Rosa told us that she ate all the remaining croissants (16). I got a bit mad and I told her that it was a bit inconsiderate, but she told me that she thought it was ok because “the help” could just make more.
I got so angry. I told her that she can’t keep living with us if she acts like an entitled jerk the entire time and I kicked her out. She started pleading with me but I insisted. Amy thinks I may have overreacted.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It sounds like the croissants are only the tip of the iceberg here. Rosa has literally no basic life skills, no common sense, and is completely, absolutely spoiled. I’d assume she is a completely inconsiderate house guest in a lot of other ways. Such as calling your wife “the help.”
Your parents did her a grave disservice and your going to university was an absolutely crucial part of your growing up.
Rosa doesn’t even show a desire to try to learn, as your wife found out. So, since you and your wife don’t want to be her staff, you should kick her out so she can find somewhere else to stay.” bmyst70
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That being said, if you actually wanted to help your sister, you could have corrected her and set some ground rules for her staying with you. Give her a list of non-negotiable chores she needs to complete and be there as a resource to tell (not show) her how if she needs.
A truly fitting punishment for her if you decided to let her stay would be to have her remake the croissants.
Obviously, I understand not being able to live with the entitlement, but you yourself came from the same background. She may just need a little more of a nudge to pull herself out of that mindset than you did.
You have absolutely no obligation to take her back in, especially after calling your wife “the help”, but if your desire to help her hasn’t completely evaporated, your empathy could go a long way here. Your incredibly gracious wife feels you may have overreacted, is that enough to make you consider giving your sister a second chance?
(Ideally with a few more boundaries). Only you can really know if it’s worth it, but you’re definitely NTJ.” painteddpiixi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That girl needs a reality check. On what planet does one person eat 16 croissants in one day? In my opinion, that’s actually a serious issue.
One or two… ok. But 16? How does one person even eat that many? She’s either got an eating disorder on top of her entitlement or she purposely disposed of them as some passive-aggressive sort of behavior.
After all of that, and even if she has an eating disorder and needs help, I would boot her for the statement about “the help” making more.
By that, she means your wife, and your wife does not deserve that kind of disrespect. For your marriage’s sake, she should go and stay at a hotel. They’ll do all the clean-up and catering to her needs that she requires, and bonus… no kitchen!
Absolutely NTJ for kicking her out.” Am-I-Spaceman-Skiff
8. AITJ For Declining An Invite To My Uncle's Wedding?
I’d hate for his wife to be my aunt.
“I’m 16.
My uncle Barry (35) is getting married to Olivia (31). They announced their engagement 18 months ago and the wedding is in a few of months. Apparently uncle Barry wanted me to be in the wedding party and Olivia told me that I can’t be unless I lose a good amount of weight because I’d ruin the pictures otherwise.
At that time I was a little on the heavier side but I was already losing weight (had lost about 30lbs). I didn’t like what she said but I didn’t care, I never asked to be in the wedding party anyway.
I have since lost more (BMI 21), Olivia didn’t know as they live in a different city.
She texted me asking if I’ve managed to lose some weight because she needed to know if she can include me or not. I didn’t reply as I thought she was mean, and they were going to visit us the very next day.
When Olivia saw me she told me she was so excited that I can be in her wedding party which sounded weird because she was the one coming up with the arbitrary exclusion rule.
Later that day she told me that she was happy that she could motivate me to lose weight and said it’s a great feeling when you see how you’ve influenced someone to better their lives and she hopes that I get to influence someone this way too.
At that point, I figured she was probably a narcissist trying to take credit for my weight loss!
Anyway, I politely thanked her for the consideration but told her that I won’t be part of the wedding party because she makes me uncomfortable and I don’t enjoy being in her company.
She seemed offended, but asked why? I said I’m just not comfortable. She said, “Barry wanted you there, not me and anyone in your position would’ve been thrilled, you’re weird.”
Later that day I decided to not participate in any wedding-related activities at all because I didn’t like how she treated me.
So I said that in a text to my uncle and Olivia. Uncle Barry called me immediately asking me what was going on and I told him that I felt bullied by Olivia (both back then and now) and if we don’t get along then what’s the point of being there if it makes both of us uncomfortable?
When he asked for specifics I told him everything (both her ultimatum from last year and then now trying to take credit for it).
Uncle Barry agreed she was wrong on both counts but asked me to forgive her for him. I told him that he can’t apologize on her behalfm and after all of this, I’ve lost all excitement so what’s the point.
Apparently, uncle Barry and Olivia had a fight because he was upset, and Olivia called my mom telling her that I lied to uncle Barry that she mistreated me. Word of this has spread, and now my 3 other cousins have also said they won’t participate in solidarity with me (I never asked them to do this) but Olivia accused me of organizing it anyway.
My mom has taken Olivia’s side and believes I’m being too dramatic and I should apologize to her and just participate like a normal person would, and said that all this is my fault and I’m ruining my uncle’s wedding.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
How are you ruining your uncle’s wedding?
She treated you badly, lied about you, and yet when you say NO, and the reason being she is a bully you are wrong?
Do not apologize or be in the wedding party, refuse, and if they make you, look at your mother and father and tell them they will not be happy with the wedding as you will not take the blame for being forced to be there where you do not want to be.
And then relax, cause it is always a bad idea to force anyone, especially a teen to be in an event where the person, such as your bully of an aunt, could find herself with a wedding day she will end up crying about.
Teens are known for rebelling, and worse, can do it by just showing up and then acting their age, or worse, deliberately sabotaging the entire event.
Bad idea, a better idea is to listen when the child says no, I do not want to go or be a part of said event.” JCWa50
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Demanding you lose weight to be in the wedding party so “the photos aren’t ruined” (because someone isn’t the embodiment of physical perfection in their eyes) is absolutely some seriously messed up stuff.
Like, at the very least it feels body shaming and somewhat fatphobic? I could be wrong, but if someone came at me like that, it’d be a hard pass. If I lost weight of my own choice, great! (I know I need to/should, for health reasons, but I’m also coping with other health issues that make that difficult.)
Your love for your uncle doesn’t mean you have to put up with this, and it’s a crying shame your mother doesn’t see it’s your choice. Also, Olivia should feel shame for lying her butt off to your mom as well, insinuating you lied to your uncle (why would you??) – but of course, she’s just mad and upset she’s not getting her way perhaps, and having some drama because of what she did and facing some consequence.
I would stick to your decision, maybe discuss with your uncle about not being in the wedding party but maybe still attending to support him (and avoiding interacting with Olivia as much as possible) – if you CHOOSE to do this. He’s your uncle, support him how you want.
But you’re not obligated to anything dealing with Olivia either.
Olivia was in the wrong through and through to be making demands like that, especially when you declined it seemed like.
I don’t get people’s weird obsession with weddings. Like, it’s a union of two people, being a part of one isn’t some amazing feat or something people should feel obligated to.
It’s a whole thing that’s often overdone, overworked, and overly stressful. I did a simple, small thing in a park with only close friends and family. I didn’t have a ton of bridesmaids and groomsmen (actually, lol, we had like none)… simple, sweet, and done.
(Also my knees had problems at the time so long-standing was a bad idea. But even without I wouldn’t have wanted a WHOLE ordeal, or debt to do something fancy, like… why would you do that? WHAT IS THE POINT OF DEBT FOR IT?) Her “you’re weird for not wanting to be a part of it” is just…
why? Sure, maybe she’d like to be part of one, but not everyone wants to. It’s a lot of stuff, for what? (And never mind the cost of the dress, and doing your hair and make-up likely, and all the posing for photos and everything, and having to make sure you’re gonna fit in the dress the day OF….
like, why do we inflict this on people?)” SyntheticSolitude
7. AITJ For Refusing To Give Up My Scholarship For My Mom?
A full-ride scholarship AND studying abroad?
That’s an opportunity of a lifetime.
“I (18f) am my mom’s (41f) first and oldest child. She and my dad weren’t together and I lived with him from a very young age because she was busy with her career. So, while she was around for my younger years, she wasn’t as present as she told me she would’ve liked to be.
She has a husband(38m). He’s a nice guy, and he treats her like a queen so I’m happy she’s met him. He and my mom wanted a kid of their own so they ended up having my little brother earlier this year.
I love my brother, and I like spending time with him, but I’m very aware that our age gap is going to make a “normal sibling relationship” a bit unachievable.
I was a dual-enrolled college/high school student, so I got my associate’s the same time I got my HS diploma.
The college I transferred to has a study abroad program that I got a full-ride scholarship for. I’m set to go next year, and I’m seriously so excited. My dad was really happy for me when I told him, and so was my stepdad, but my mom didn’t seem all that excited about it.
She told me later that she doesn’t think me doing school in another country is a good idea. I thought at first that maybe it was just her worrying about me being alone or something so I tried to reassure her by telling her my friend was in the same program so we’d be together.
She clarified that her biggest concern was how much time I’d be spending away from home, seeing as how it wouldn’t be practical for me to fly back for all the holidays I would have visited if I were to be in the country.
She said me going away during my little brother’s earliest years was going to make it difficult for the two of us to really know each other the way we would if I were around.
I told her that it’s not like I’d never come back or anything, and by the time I’m home again he probably won’t even be in school yet, so I’d still be around for his early years.
She insisted that it wouldn’t be the same and that I should want to stay here anyway because a good sister wouldn’t want to leave her little brother. I got upset at that and told her that I never asked to be a sister, especially not this far into my life, and that it’s not fair of her to want me to put my future on pause all because she decided she needed to start over again with motherhood.
That really upset her, and I didn’t feel like arguing anymore so I just went over to my dad’s house and I’ve been here ever since. I did tell him what happened, and he said that I should choose what I feel is best for myself, and no choice I make about this would make me a bad older sister or even a bad daughter.
That did make me feel a little better about it but I still feel kind of awful. I love my mom, I love my brother too, but I don’t want to throw away this opportunity.
Still though, AITJ for what I said to her?”
Another User Comments:
“Wow, that’s some incredible selfishness from your mom.
It’s blatantly ridiculous to ask you not to pursue your life so that she can play happy families and make up for her sense of guilt that she wasn’t around much in your early years.
And giving up a full-ride scholarship for it? That would be an insane sacrifice.
Second, you’re gonna be more like an aunt than a sibling anyway, and no one would argue that an aunt has to stay in the country just to fly back and see their nephew every single holiday.
Finally, if you come home after studying, you’re still going to be back while he’s quite young. If you want to bond with him while he’s still young, there is time.
Your ‘because she wanted to start over with motherhood’ line is pretty darn blunt, but it sounds like the truth, and sometimes you’ve gotta state the truth plainly when someone is trying to manipulate you.
She’d just said that you are basically a bad person for doing something you’re more than entitled to do, to guilt trip you about her own slightly messed up emotional needs.
That’s really quite awful and deserved a blunt response to tell her that it’s not ok.
NTJ.” Left-Car6520
Another User Comments:
“ESH – You could have been nicer in your response. You can feel bitter because you did not have much of a relationship in your younger years but she seems to be trying now. Should make you happy, no?
She should have been excited for you and you cannot blame your mother for wanting to be around you.
Go and be happy.” reber0213
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You absolutely need to live your own life to study abroad. That’s the kind of opportunity you won’t get later in life. I think you absolutely need to do it.
I read a post from someone else who had this opportunity taken from them by parents who lied to them to convince them that they were rejected. They were accepted. Even many years later the woman in question bitterly regretted losing the opportunity.
Honestly, your mother is not even being good to the hypothetical baby she will have. Does she honestly think she is in shape to be able to raise a baby and active young child?
She’ll be close to retirement age by the time the child is your age.
How will they be able to afford this hypothetical kid’s college fund?” bmyst70
6. AITJ For Not Feeling Bad For Mispronouncing My Mother-In-Law's Name?
“My MIL’s name is Yasemin which I always just assumed was pronounced like Jasmine but with a Y (she is Turkish) MIL never said anything, so I never thought anything about it.
My kids pronounce it the same way, and nothing has ever been said. Also maybe relevant, but I am not Turkish and my kids don’t speak the language. I do want my husband to teach them, but he just hasn’t yet.
MIL recently began seeing someone new.
He is also Turkish and while he speaks English, he prefers Turkish, and when he heard us saying her name he was horrified. Apparently, it is pronounced like Yaas-a-meen. I confirmed with MIL and she said yes the way he is saying it is the correct way.
I asked her if that is what she goes by and she admitted that we are the only ones who call her Yasmine. I apologized and have been making an effort to correct myself.
The issue is MIL is extremely quiet. I’m talking it’s almost impossible to have a conversation with her.
Her parents claim she is shy, but honestly, it doesn’t add up to me because she works as an interior decorator and has upscale clients, so I’m not sure how shy she actually is, but she rarely speaks around us at least. Also, my kids cannot pronounce her name the way her partner does, and this makes him mad.
He gruffly corrects them every single time.
My kids are very young. This is not the only word they can’t pronounce properly, and I don’t like this man I hardly know correcting them. Also, I’m not saying he is a bad guy, but this man is like 6’5, very deep voice, ripped body, and I think he is just intimidating toward children.
I asked him to stop and he said he would stop if I did it, and it makes him mad when we whitewash her name. I asked MIL if she cared and she just shrugged. He told me that she does care and she told him.
I asked her if that was true, and again she just shrugged.
Finally, I snapped and said I can’t have a conversation with her, and if MIL wants her name pronounced right she needs to be a big girl and use her words. she is never going to get anywhere if she can’t stand up for herself.
MIL just kept eating and didn’t seem to care, but her partner yelled at me that I’m a bad person. I told a friend and she said I might be being racist, so now I feel like crap.”
Another User Comments:
“ESH except for your MiL, who sounds very caught in the middle and conflict-avoidant.
Your husband should have corrected your pronunciation ages ago. You probably should have known the lady’s name before you ever met her.
You should be trying harder to help your children get it right, you need to understand that people can be quite shy and still have careers that involve significant interaction with clients and that working on pronouncing your MiL’s name correctly is not a matter of being culturally sensitive (though that is a good thing) it’s showing the bare minimum of respect for a member of your family.
The new partner shouldn’t be gruff with your children.
Question, though, why aren’t the kids calling her some variation on grandma? How old are they? How long have you been married?” rapt2right
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You never knew and were also never corrected, so how on earth would you know?
Now that you do, you pronounce it correctly or at least make an effort to do so.
You‘re also not the jerk for protecting your kids from her new partner constantly grumbling at them all mad. If he was nice about it, then fine, but not like this.
This man has zero say in anything your kids do.
The partner is the jerk for being rude to kids who a) learned that name in a certain way, so they have to get rid of the habit and b) can‘t even properly spell it as of now.
A soft correction would be ok, but not the way it‘s done rn.
Your MIL is the jerk for being all nice to your face and then talking crap behind your back. Unless this stuff is all due to Mr. New Partner, and she doesn‘t have any problem, but he is a jerk about it while she doesn‘t want to speak up to him or sth.
But with the info we got she‘s behaving like a two-faced jerk.” SenpaiRanjid
Another User Comments:
“As someone whose name is also Yasmine (not Jasmin, similar pronunciation as MIL), I can tell you my name has rarely ever been said properly by westerners unless I correct them myself.
My maternal grandma is American and still can’t say my name correctly 31 years later. It happens. It’s not a hard name to say, it’s just different. I rarely correct someone anymore because I’m so used to it, which could be what happened with MIL.
It doesn’t sound like it bothered her enough to speak up.
Honestly, in my opinion, the fault, if there is any, is with your partner or MIL. Both of them knew you weren’t saying it right and didn’t tell you. But I will say as a pro tip, if you encounter a name from a culture you’re unfamiliar with, just ask what the best way to pronounce that name is.
It’s not offensive to ask, especially when you first meet someone. I’ve lived in seven different countries and it’s pretty common in an international setting.
A tip I give to people is to break my name down like “yes” and “mean” so I say it’s like, “Yes I’m mean.” I don’t know if that will help your kids pronounce it but it does feel free to use it.
NTJ.” salukiqueen
5. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Sister Be My Maid Of Honor?
“My mama married my stepdad “Pete” when I was 10, but he and his daughter “Lacey” had lived with us since I was 9. (Lacey is a year younger than me, for reference.) Lacey really is not a good person and I’m not sure why since Pete is a good person (I’ve never met Lacey’s mom.) Lacey would say stuff like, “Ew!
You look/sound like a TRANS guy!” She also used “autistic” as an insult and once when my friend was teaching me ASL Lacey saw us and said “Why are you flapping your arms? Y’all look like iditioic kids.” In middle school, Lacey made fun of me often and mama and Pete would say it was just Lacey’s sense of humor and she didn’t mean any harm.
She stopped in high school because then our parents put their foot down with Lacey, but Lacey still made fun of kids at school and she honestly hasn’t changed much since middle school. It’s why Lacey and I have no relationship and I only see her as Pete’s bio kid and not my sister.
I am getting married in September, but my fiance and I have been planning our wedding since 2020. (We were engaged in January, but we decided to wait to have our wedding after some worldwide and personal events.) We had confirmed all our bridesmaids and maid of honor since the beginning of this year.
Lacey asked to meet at our parents’ house and showed up in this extravagant white dress while saying that I should tell my bridesmaids to get similar dresses because she wanted them to match the maid-of-honor (herself.) Again, our wedding is in a month and Lacey hadn’t even asked me about being a bridesmaid.
I laughed out loud because I honestly thought it was a joke. I realized Lacey was serious and I told her that there must have been a misunderstanding because my best friend, “Aurora,” is my maid of honor. Lacey started saying some really vile stuff about Aurora and that she was supposed to be the maid-of-honor because she’s family.
I told Lacey that she has an ugly attitude and that I will never see her as my real family because she acts like people are below her. Lacey started yelling at me, but I told her I wasn’t dealing with her and left. My fiance and friends say that Lacey was being seriously entitled and I don’t owe her to let her be my maid-of-honor especially when she’s always been so nasty.
But my parents said that what I told Lacey was cruel. Because even though we didn’t get along well for most of our lives, Lacey reaching out to be my maid-of-honor is a sign she wants to have a bigger role in my life.
Mama and Pete said I was wrong when I told Lacey I don’t see her as my real family, and I am implying that a stepfamily can’t be real family. I didn’t and still don’t see my statement to Lacey that way, because it was about Lacey’s attitude and not her being a stepsister.
But since mama and Pete both saw it that way, I’m not sure if I was being out of line. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She is not “reaching out to you.” She summoned you to demand you tell your attendants to match her outfit because SHE decided a month before the event that she will have an honored place in your wedding.
She didn’t ASK. She didn’t VOLUNTEER anywhere along the way to help with anything. The MOH has several specific duties along the way and she expects to jump in NOW?
A WHITE DRESS at a wedding? She thinks they should ALL wear white?! NO. The attendant’s clothing is coordinated and NOT white.
Few would not already have dresses in hand and tuxedos ordered one month out.
She is, and has been, a bully, and an ableist. When her stunt failed, she badmouthed your actual MOH. She feels like she deserves it “beCauSe I’m fAmiLy!” The MOH role is for the Best Friend of the Bride.
Someone who “wants to have a bigger role in your life” doesn’t get there by barging in like the SWAT Team and demanding it. They start by NOT BEING A JERK. They do not inform you what will take place at your wedding.
Lacey wants a “LOOK AT MEEEEEE!” moment.
Something is happening without her, that is not about her, and She Needs In!
Your Mama and Pete are enabling her behavior. Do they really think she should jump in, white dress everyone, and fire Aurora? Because she WANTS to?
You were caught off guard by her over-the-top tantrum.
She roasted your best friend and screamed at you. You told her off and left to avoid further escalation.
You were not making a blanket statement that “stepfamilies can’t be real families”.
You were saying that her consistent bullcrap behavior towards you (and others) doesn’t feel how family should treat each other.
That it’s hard to feel like family when someone acts like you are obligated to include them no matter how nasty they act.
I don’t like her, and I haven’t even met her.” Abject-Technician558
Another User Comments:
“It is possible for all of these comments to be true.
Lacey is acting entitled, oblivious, and wildly inappropriate
Lacey could be reaching out to be MOH because she wants to be a bigger part of your life (personally I think that is a very generous interpretation of her words and actions, particularly so close to the wedding date but it is possible)
Your words and way of handling it could be interpreted as unnecessarily unkind
I’ll go with the ESH option because I think Lacey is clearly an oblivious, rude, and self-absorbed basket case, but I also think you didn’t need to be so callous either. A simple, “wow, it seems there’s a big misunderstanding here” followed by “that’s a nice dress but my wedding plans are final and I have a MOH already” would’ve been sufficient.
I absolutely understand the temptation to respond in a more forthright and candid manner but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s not a jerk response (even if provoked).
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. I hope the event is successful and without drama.” WinnieTheBlueBear
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all for not wanting Lacey to be your maid of honor or for disliking her generally (she does sound like a pretty crappy person, from your description). However, I can see why your mama and Pete were upset about your comments about not seeing her as family, because it implies that you don’t see Pete as family, either.
Seeing someone as family is not the same as liking them. Lots of people have family members they don’t get along with, who they think are awful people, who they just downright dislike. Lacey can be that for you, and still family. So telling her you don’t like her and don’t want her around is one thing, but telling her she’s not family is a much bigger exclusion, and an implicit psychological threat to Pete (and to some extent your mama) as well, by showing them that you view ‘family’ status as contingent on behavior, rather than relation.
Edit: To be clear, I don’t think you’re a jerk for not seeing Lacey as family, or for telling her so. I’m just saying that this is probably why your mama and Pete found the statement so upsetting.” mhuzzell
4. AITJ For Buying My Best Friend Ice Cream Against His Partner's Wishes?
“Yesterday, one of my (F21) best friends Jesse (M21) brought his girl Morgan (F23) with us to hang with our friend group. For context, I’ve known Jesse since we were in third grade, and Jesse met Morgan two years ago, and they’ve been together for a year now.
In high school, Morgan was admittedly not very popular, as he was known as the scrawny nerd then. Or at least that’s what he says, but I told him I thought he was just socially awkward at worst. A year and a half ago, Jesse decided he was done with all that and started working out.
The dude made impressive progress, as he’s decently lean now, especially with his arms and chest popping, and I’m really proud of the dude. So are all our other friends.
As for Morgan, I’ve never really had an issue with her. She’s never really struck me as the jealous or toxic type, and as long as Jesse’s happy with her, I’m happy.
Morgan takes fitness pretty seriously, and Jesse told me Morgan kinda helped train and educate him at points on his exercise and diet journey. That includes Morgan helping meal prep for the both of them. I know they lift weights 6 days and do cardio once a week.
Anyway, Jesse, Morgan, and four friends (3 guys and 1 other girl) and I went out to go see Thor 4 and we went to Coldstone afterward. As my friends and I started ordering, Jesse poutingly looked at the ice cream. He smiled as he whined to Morgan that he wished he could have some ice cream.
Morgan smiled back and said “Same here babe. But we can’t, it’s legit terrible for our gains,” kissing him on the cheek afterward. I turned around and said Jesse should be able to have some ice cream if he wanted. Morgan looked a little taken aback and gently said she knew what she was talking about with this, and to please not interfere with Jesse’s progress.
I was honestly very shocked by how Morgan responded, but wanting to avoid drama, I turned back around.
At the table, we were eating our ice cream, and Morgan went to the bathroom at one point. Having known Jesse since we were 8, I could tell he was disappointed about not getting any ice cream.
I was like screw it and I went to go buy him a mint chip cone. Jesse looked really flattered, and thanked me for it, saying I didn’t need to do that. He still looked reluctant to take it, and when Morgan came out, she was livid.
She accused me of violating boundaries and saying that I shouldn’t have gotten Jesse ice cream after it was explicitly stated that they were both trying to be healthy and follow a routine. I said an ice cream cone every once in a while won’t kill gains, but Morgan said I was talking out of my butt.
Jesse took Morgan out of the parlor before things could escalate, and my other friends thought Morgan was lowkey acting like a psycho.
That night, Jesse texted me saying he personally wasn’t upset about the whole thing, but Morgan was really upset with me. I don’t see what I did wrong, I just got Jesse some ice cream.
Maybe I disrespected their dietary goals, I don’t know. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Here’s another side to this-
Jesse and Morgan discuss goals and plans and set boundaries for when they go out with their friends. They agree to be accountability buddies. Conversation over.
They’re there, ice cream is there (and who wouldn’t want some! But that doesn’t mean you need some) Morgan wants to fold on what they’ve decided for themselves. Jesse doesn’t shame him, doesn’t embarrass him, but reminds him of his goals.
She steps away, and you bulldoze that and now he’s in an awkward position so he acts gracious towards you. Morgan is made out to be the bad guy when she was being an accountability buddy. If Jesse eats ice cream, Morgan’s life isn’t affected. It could be about her supporting him.
I say this because I’ve been the “bad guy” reminding my husband of the goals and parameters HE sets for himself to make HIM feel good at the end of the day. (And honestly his friends have said yeah, respect, stay on track). He does the same for me.
And sometimes I am frustrated at the restaurant when he reminds me to get the healthy option, but I sure as heck feel good afterwards without sitting with a belly full of something I was trying to avoid.
It’s really not a big deal to sit out of an indulgence sometimes and is quite respectable.
When you have people that think you should fold on your goals just because they have lower standards for themselves, THAT’S what makes the situation uncomfortable.” _tokyosmoke_
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Jesse was mockingly disappointed due to his own self-imposed regulations and you knew it.
You’d love for this to be a situation where he can’t stand up to Morgan.
But he can and chose not to. He didn’t act like she was forcing him. They have shared goals.
He wasn’t hesitant to take it because of Morgan he was hesitant because it goes against his current goals and you were treating him like a victim when he wasn’t.
Interesting how so many commenters are yelling that Morgan must have disordered eating issues and control issues
Meanwhile, a major component of many people’s disordered eating is pressure To consume food you don’t want because it was “made/prepared just for youuuu!”
That’s why he took the freaking ice cream.
What he’s going to let it melt, everyone looking at him pityingly?
Like what OP did wasn’t as problematic. Ridiculous. Projecting.” Ladyughsalot1
Another User Comments:
“I think YTJ.
First of all, it’s really hard for people who are trying to eat healthily or lose weight to keep going to social gatherings, because people are unsupportive of their diet and surpass boundaries they shouldn’t be messing with.
If you want to further isolate and depress your friend, you are in the right way.
Secondly, true, one ice cream won’t mess with the gains if the person compensates later, and if it does, so what? You can always recover and life is short.
But you don’t know what else he has been eating or if he particularly struggles with self-control or how hard this journey is to him. While you thought you were doing a good deed, it was absolutely uncalled for and could put all his hard work at risk, making him feel worse later.
Third, as the primary coach, his girl probably bears all or most of the emotional labor in this aspect. I understand why she is mad. Imagine the amount of time and effort that goes into planning a diet for your partner ensuring there are enough nutrients and that is food they like (which is harder than most people imagine) while keeping a reduced amount of calories, and someone who doesn’t even know what this is about just intruding, without considering if they went to eat out that week already or if they are trying to compensate for excess this same day.
As someone else said, you don’t have to indulge in every single thing you want. Sometimes you have bigger objectives that conflict with your immediate desires. You had no business making pressure on him to fail such objectives.
Some people are seeing maltreatment here, but I don’t think so.
His girl yelled at YOU for doing this behind her back, not at him for accepting the ice cream… Which for me would be much more concerning.
You could have asked him first, at least, instead of just doing it.” RandomStrangerN2
3. AITJ For Not Wanting My Partner To Display A Photo Of His Deceased Wife?
“My (40F) partner (36M) and I have been together for 2 years.
We have a great relationship. We agree on most things, he is very loving and considerate, and overall the love of my life. We recently bought our first home together. Which I was hoping would be a fresh start. For context, he and his wife were married for 12 years, shortly before we started seeing each other, and sadly she passed. In my opinion, I have been very considerate of his grief and supportive of how he chooses to grieve her.
For the first 14 months of our relationship, he had an 8×10 picture of the two of them on the mantle in the living room which I was understanding of especially since I moved into his apartment with him that they had shared together. After 14 months, it was Christmas time and I removed it to decorate, with his permission.
Fast forward to now, we have been in our new home that we bought together for about a month now and are beginning to decorate. She was a service member and he wants her folded flag to stay in the living room on display which I support, however, we have another sitting room with many bookshelves and he wants to have their photo together on display in that room.
I understand the pain of losing a spouse, I am also widowed. I know how devastating and empty it can feel. But I simply would like for this home to be a fresh start for the both of us, it’s free of trauma and heartbreak and I want it to be our place together.
I do not wish for him to get rid of the photo, just not display it in our main living areas. This is really an issue for him and is causing him lots of stress and he is becoming increasingly emotional and depressed. We cannot come to an agreement or move past it.
He really wants to display their photo and I do not want him to. It’s all causing lots of tension in our relationship that neither of us want. We aren’t aggressive and basically never fight so this issue is hard for us to navigate. I have also noticed he still keeps two photos of her in his nightstand drawer and a few other keepsakes.
I’ve stayed silent about all of it except for the picture he wants to display. I understand he wants to cherish her memory and I know had she not passed, they’d still be happily together, but given the circumstances, I want to move forward. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You and he began seeing you very soon after his wife’s death, it seems, and you moved into his (their) apartment less than a year after her death, is that right?
He has not properly grieved the loss of his wife.
He did not give himself enough time to fully comprehend his grief.
He may be feeling guilt for being with you, like he thinks he has dishonored her memory by being with you.
The disagreement about displaying the photograph and flag, and his insistence they be prominent in the shared space of your new home, is an indication he may benefit from grief counseling or couples counseling for both of you.
You are not wrong for wanting him to have a more private display of his wife’s flag and photos. This is your home and your living space, not a shrine to his dead wife. You are not expecting him to hide or discard the items, you just want him to keep them in a more private space.
This is a reasonable request.
Suggesting he speak with a grief counselor might be a good plan.” NoxWild
Another User Comments:
“I’m so sorry, but… YTJ. 🙁 Not malicious but still… This wasn’t a breakup or a divorce. He lost her because she died. No matter what impact you have in his life, no matter how much he loves you, he also loved her.
She’ll always be an important part of his life, and he has a right to keep these memories and look back fondly on that part of his life. I understand you grieve and move on differently from your similar experience but he’s not you, and he is doing nothing wrong by remembering her as a beloved but lost family member, because she is exactly that.
Telling him to basically keep her memory hidden away is hurtful, even if your intention is healing-focused. I think you need to embrace that she was special to him just like you are, and encourage him to look back fondly and dwell less on the loss than he does on the joyful memories.
Maybe talk about good times with him to help him out? And perhaps sharing therapy, it really does help.
You’re not a bad person but you are going about this the wrong way, I think. It’s a societal problem where no matter the circumstances, you’re still pressured to disregard your ex because it’s seen as disrespectful to your new partner and I really don’t agree with that.
We are our lived experiences and that includes the people we’ve met and bonded with throughout our whole lives. Losing a partner is unbearable and it seems unfair to expect him to put her photo in another room. Would you do the same for photos of deceased parents?
Family is family, and that includes deceased past partners. I think that perspective is worth considering.” throwawaylizardz
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It would be completely reasonable not to want pictures of an ex if they were divorced and he just couldn’t move on, but she was his WIFE.
You have lost a spouse, so you know that it comes with deep Pain. I understand wanting to have a fresh start, but it is clearly important to him and you aren’t in control of his grief even if it is different than yours.
If it is too painful for you to have photos of your late husband up you don’t have to, but if it means a lot to him to have pictures of her let it be. His love for her doesn’t diminish his love for you, and it isn’t causing YOU harm to have her photo and service flag.” Royal_Principle7851
People grieve differently. He's having trouble justifying being happily married to you because he still misses her. Call it survivor's guilt if you like.
In my opinion, this is a photo, not a hill to die on.
Respect his grief. If it makes you feel better, display a photo of your late husband and honor both lost spouses together. But don't push on this. He'll come around in his own time. If you love him, you'll be patient.
2. AITJ For Making My Partner Sign An Agreement In Exchange For Borrowing From Me?
“My GF (27F) and I (32M) have been together for 3 years and moved in together last year.
She lost her job about 4 months ago and hasn’t gotten a new one yet. She’s had interviews and gotten offers, but they were offering much less than she was previously making so she turned them down. I don’t think she’s being picky, she just knows her worth and she’s not going to accept a lowball offer.
I completely agree with her on that. I also understand that a job search can take time and I don’t want her to think I don’t have her back on this, so I’m trying not to pressure her.
But, she’s running out of finances. She’s started dipping into her savings to make ends meet.
This past month I paid our entire rent and nearly all of our shared expenses to help her out. I make more per paycheck than she does anyway so I can absorb the financial hit, but I don’t want this to become the norm. We split our shared costs about 60-40 because I make more, but I don’t want it to be 80-20 or 90-10 for an extended period.
We had a discussion the other day after she had another interview that didn’t go well. The company misled her about the compensation and she was frustrated. She was venting to me about it and mentioned that she didn’t think she would be able to pay for much again this month.
I told her that I understand her frustration and I sympathize with her, but that if I am going to continue to subsidize her share of our costs, I want her to sign an agreement stating that she will pay me back because I am not comfortable with being the only person paying for things.
She got defensive and told me that I should just trust that she will make things right once she gets a job and is back on her feet. She told me that the idea of signing a loan agreement with her SO is gross and is bordering on financial maltreatment.
I told her that I do trust her, but that it’s already been 4 months of the job search and this will be the second month of me pretty much paying for everything and if this keeps up then I want something more than a verbal agreement.
She called me a jerk for having so little faith in her and told me that I’m kicking her when she’s down. She said I should be more supportive instead of being greedy and only thinking about finances. She said that she didn’t think our relationship was transactional, but apparently, it is.
She said that she’s been doing more around the house to try and make up for not paying for things and that should be enough.
I told her that doing some extra loads of laundry and cooking more often only makes sense because she’s home all the time now, but that doesn’t absolve her of our shared financial responsibility, especially when I’m the one buying the food and laundry detergent.
That set her off and she has been staying at a friend’s place the last couple of nights.
Her stance now is that she won’t sign anything and I’m just going to have to trust that she will pay me back because that’s what loving partners do.
Am I in the wrong here?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re telling this woman you’ve been with for 3 years that she’s doing the right thing by rejecting lowball offers, letting her take on an unequal burden of housework, but also implying that you don’t trust her at all because you need a contract for a month’s rent.
“Yes, dear, definitely don’t take that job because you’re worth more, but I need you to sign on the dotted line that you’ll pay me back every penny!”
Your comments about her doing housework are also jerky comments. You expect her to reimburse you every extra penny, but you also expect her to do extra housework because ‘it makes sense since she’s home.’ It doesn’t work that way, bro.
If she owes you the same amount of finances, you owe her the same amount of housework.” ElimGarakOfCardassia
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Knowing your worth and paying your bills are two completely separate things. She could work a part-time job or take one of the lower-paying jobs while continuing to look for employment elsewhere.
People do that all the time.
At no point should either of you be ok with her draining her savings just to stroke her own ego about “knowing her worth” Which do you think a potential employer would look more favorably on…A prospect who sat at home doing nothing for 6 months while “looking for a job” or a prospect who went at got 1 or 2 part-time jobs or started up a side hustle to pay bills while searching for full-time employment?
Because if I am doing the hiring, I am offering the person who is hustling. Work ethic means something
Finding part-time work to chip in on bills is not difficult right now. Yeah, it may not be the best job. But it’s a job.
The two of you are putting the financial future and stability of the relationship at risk by not being brutally honest with each other…which is something you have to do in a long-term relationship
You are growing resentful that she is not doing anything and you are worried about this 4-month break becoming a permanent one
And she refuses to see your perspective at all…which frankly is concerning to me and makes me really think that she is auditioning to be a stay-at-home spouse, which is why she got so angry
Y’all need counseling…” The__Riker__Maneuver
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Financial issues are either the top or one of the top reasons for divorce. If she is so certain she’ll pay you back, then putting that in writing so you’re protected should not be an issue.
If your relationship is serious enough that you’re living together then you should be willing to help her as much as possible. But it’s unreasonable for you to pay the rent for (potentially) months.
The thing to keep in mind is that people usually don’t see their finances again when they lend large sums to friends and family.
You’ll know better than i do what her pay is likely to be when she does find a job. Is she actually going to get a good enough job that she can pay back large amounts of bucks? I doubt it.
I’m as liberal as they come but marriage exists for a reason.
Despite all the chatter about religion, it began as and always has been a contract to protect everyone’s finances. You’re not married. Because of that, you should make sure to agree in writing about any major purchases or transfer of finances from one person to another.
She cannot expect to treat you like a husband (where the law protects people in case of divorce) when you do not have that contract.
My advice is to avoid giving her anything you can’t afford because she is unlikely to pay you back unless she has a great job.” Reddit user
1. AITJ For Kicking My Wife Out For Treating Our Daughter Poorly?
“My wife and I have a daughter, J (23F) who just graduated college a year ago, both my wife and I come from a poor background and worked our butts off to give our child everything she would ever need, she’s a good kid, smart, kind, polite, she got a full-ride to a good school and moved away.
Two months ago, she called us to tell us that she was pregnant, with no father in sight. My wife flipped on her, full exaggeration and criticism, she thought out kid was throwing her life our of the window because my daughter was eager to keep the baby and my wife wasn’t okay with this.
She asked me if she could back home for a while, work locally and overall just be around us because she felt scared and alone in her big city and wanted to spend her pregnancy with us, my daughter didn’t use much of her college fund (barely 18 to 25%) and had a good amount of savings, she’s also the kind of kid who always helped around the house so I said yes.
My wife didn’t have much problem with this, but ever since our daughter came back, she has been passive-aggressive at best. Awful comments about how she screwed up her life, how naïve she is for thinking she can keep going with a kid, how the beginning of a career is the most important thing and she just ruined it, she also doesn’t have any kindness for our kid, doing too much noise at 5-6am to wake her up, not lending her, her car when asked to do quick runs to the store, etc. She’s just being mean.
My daughter just sucks it up because she thinks she owes us something for letting her stay here.
Yesterday, my wife just went over the top, my daughter found a job, she’s doing WFH at the moment due to her pregnancy (4 months) and was excitedly telling us that after the birth, she wants to get an apartment nearby and maybe raise my grandkid here, my wife just snorted and said that if she already screwed up her life, the least she could do is doing was best for the kid and move somewhere better and maybe do it now.
My daughter cried because she was basically getting kicked out and my wife tried to minimize her feelings, so I told her to get out of my house because I was done with her mean teenage behavior, she said I couldn’t kick her out but I do, because the house is not a marital property.
She left and my in-laws are coming at me because everyone thinks she’s right.”
Another User Comments:
“Going to go against the grain here: ESH.
Your wife sucks for being immature, passive-aggressive, and a bully.
You suck because it doesn’t look like you took time to talk about this with your wife or ask her what her boundaries and involvement would be in this child’s life.
You admit that you both grew up poor and worked your butts off, so it could be that your wife has laid down her backpack after a difficult life and is ready to enjoy what she’s worked hard for and selflessly given away for years.
It could be that she’s just not ready to be a grandma or that she has anxiety about having to raise yet another child and give up even more of her life. It sounds like you didn’t discuss this with your wife at all. You mentioned that YOU said yes to your daughter moving back in and her mother “didn’t have much of a problem with it”.
So, from the start, you and your wife did NOT agree on a major change to your living arrangements.
At the end of the day, you should have taken some time after the initial conversation with your daughter to speak to your wife about how you wanted to handle this as a unit.
It seems like your wife wants to go the “rehab” route — make your daughter hit rock bottom and force her to make a different (in your wife’s mind – better) choice. You immediately allowing your daughter to move in and encouraging her to stay close is making it easier on your daughter to make her choice work but is also signing yourself and your wife up for essentially another 18 years of child-rearing.
Further, given that childcare duties disproportionately affect women, I can see why your wife is having such a negative reaction here.
If you want to save your marriage, I think you and your wife need to have the conversation you should have had as soon as your daughter told you about her pregnancy: “what involvement will we have, and what support are we willing to give?”” ntigo1
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Sorry, but you just took your daughter in without asking your wife and kicked her out of HER HOME. I don’t give a crap that it’s not a property shared by the two of you, if you really said that it’s not her home and she can get kicked out whenever?
I would divorce you on the spot.
Also, guess who is going to have to deal with the baby when your kid wants to go somewhere or needs to work? I’m guessing that you might just let your wife take care of the baby because that’s what the women in the house do.
Your daughter even said that she could be raised here AKA with the large help of you because why else would she stay near you?
Not only have you changed the lifestyle your wife had, but you also did it without asking her about it.
Have fun at the divorce lawyer’s office because you are about to get served.” Pure_Explanation_624
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your daughter got pregnant and chose to keep it. You chose to let your daughter move back in without consulting or considering your wife. Your wife has everybody else’s choices thrust upon her and is being told to just shut up and******* up.
You have been minimizing your wife’s feelings since the second your daughter told you she was pregnant and acting like your wife is an afterthought in the home. “Get out of my house” to your wife of 20 years says EVERYTHING about how you view her and her role in the marriage and household.
If you stopped being a jerk and started being a husband, you might realize that your wife just finished raising kids and she’s rightfully concerned that she/you guys will have to start doing it again as a 23-year-old single mom is going to need lots of hands-on support.
What should have been a period where you and your wife are transitioning into the next chapter of life together has now reverted back to a period where your lives will center around and prioritize kids. God forbid she feel a way about that or have an opinion on it.” GhostParty21
