People Try To Sway Us To Pick Their Side With Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
17. AITJ For Stopping My Wife From Driving My In-Laws To See Her Sick Brother?
“My wife (Sarah) and I have been married for 27 years and have 6 kids. Our parents are all in their 80’s. All three have health issues. Sarah is the hardest-working person I know.
A year ago she would alternate with brother #1 taking care of my in-laws.
On the days she wasn’t taking care of them she took care of my mom. Brother #1 passed away unexpectedly and now my wife takes care of her parents all day and my wheelchair-ridden mom at night. We still have kids at home and after my mom goes to bed my wife stays up doing laundry and cleaning our home.
A week ago our daughter found Sarah had passed out. The doctors said her b***d sugar was too low. I think it’s from exhaustion. I asked our extended families to help out more.
Well, this weekend her niece volunteered to take my in-laws. My sister is in town visiting and wanted to have my mom stay with her.
Giving Sarah the weekend off in a very long time. I told Sarah I wanted her to not worry about anything except resting.
My wife’s brother #2 called and worked up my mother-in-law. He has some addictions and mixed some substances and ended up in the hospital. He is supposed to be released tomorrow but, wants my wife to drive my in-laws 12 hrs to visit him.
I told my wife it was her choice but, I didn’t want her to travel especially after passing out a week ago. My wife listened to me but now I have her family sending messages calling me a jerk for stopping my wife from taking my in-laws to see him.
I started to feel like maybe I wasn’t being sensitive to my wife’s family especially after losing one brother. Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, but not for telling your wife you didn’t think she should make that drive. No, YTJ for allowing her to work herself into this condition.
Taking care of one parent (or one set of parents) on top of managing her own household and raising your six(!) kids is too much. Taking care of parents on both sides is waaaay too much. As ev-uh-denced by her passing out.
You need to find a way to get some additional help so that she’s not spending all day every day and then all evening every evening caretaking elderly parents.
Make it clear to Sarah that she absolutely must step back some and allow the help you get to take on a great deal of that load. She can be ‘selfish’ and take care of herself, or she can be ‘altruistic’ and take care of herself so that she’ll live long enough and be healthy enough to continue some level of caretaking for these family members.
It doesn’t matter whether she chooses to be selfish or altruistic; either approach requires that she step back and offload some of that burden. Because if she continues on the same path, she’s going to be helpless.” BogBabe
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. For being insensitive to your WIFE.
And so are your siblings and older kids. Your wife is wearing herself out pulling double triple and quadruple duty taking care of her parents and your mother then staying up to do the housework? Are you all trying to get rid of her with a heart attack?
You and your sister and any other siblings and your adult kids need to come up with more help and remove some of the burdens. Maybe it’s time for your mom and the inlaws to settle into a nursing home. And of those kids in the home and you why the heck is your wife staying up to do the laundry and housework?
You guys all live there too and unless the kids are infants even the youngest of kids can have supervised age-appropriate responsibilities. Sorting and folding laundry can be done by a dang 4 years.” Any-Blackberry-5557
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Nope nope. You should be hiring at least one home health aide that can help with caring for your mother and your wife’s parents.
She’s being stretched thin and can’t rely on you to provide a real solution. I’m assuming you’re the breadwinner and she’s a stay-at-home mom because if she was working too you’d be an extra jerk. If you can’t afford a home health aide then you need to be a more involved son and take over the care of your mother.
This is entirely unfair and I would be shocked if your wife doesn’t resent you. Six kids are already way too much on anyone. And she’s losing sleep too. You’ve completely failed in your role as husband and son while expecting your wife to fill in multiple areas that either you could or you could share together.” videlbriefs
16. AITJ For Calling My Fiancé Delusional?
“My fiance (40m) and I (36f) have been together for 2 years. I have 3 kids from my former marriage (7), (11), & (14). My fiance loves them and treats them as his own but he constantly complains about certain behaviors and says that the kids lack ‘some form of discipline.’ I never understood what he meant but mind you he’s a teacher and can take this whole discipline thing a bit far.
I noticed that he’s been doing some ‘tests’ lately to see how they’d act in certain situations. For example, he once left his journal lying around to see if any of my kids would snoop, he also would leave money lying around to see who’d touch it.
Or even lie saying ‘who wants skittles?’ to see if any of the kids would come to him downstairs.
The recent one (that I wasn’t aware of til later) was yesterday. He told the kids that he lost a ‘dollar’ from his pocket and offered 10 dollars to whoever found it.
The kids began searching the house for an hour. My 7 & 11-year-olds couldn’t find a thing, but my 14-year-old went to my fiance and told him he found the dollar and gave it to him. My fiance lost it and started yelling ‘Aaaa gotcha now!’.
My son was confused. Turns out, my fiance didn’t lose any money and lied about the dollar to see how the kids would react.
My son obviously had ‘failed’ because he pretended to have found the dollar but in reality, he took it from his allowance and gave it to my fiance hoping to get that 10 dollars.
My fiance said that because of my son’s dishonesty and greed, he’ll punish him by taking all his allowance for the month as well as electronics being taken away for a week! I got into an argument with him and called him delusional because those mind games were getting ridiculous and besides, it’s not like my son stole anything from him, he just failed his stupid test and kids make mistakes and learn.
He still talked about how this is about principles and that he’s trying to teach my kids to become decent adults, but I thought this has gone too far.
I refused to let him punish him now he’s calling me an enabler and said that this attitude won’t be of much help when we get married because it undermines his authority as a parent, and enables unacceptable behaviors from my kids.
He said and I quote ‘I will not tolerate having greedy and dishonest individuals live under my roof’.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Entrapment: the action of tricking someone into committing a crime in order to secure their prosecution.
Your fiance isn’t playing mind games, he’s tricking your kids into doing bad things, then punishing them for falling for his lies.
That’s not a game, it’s entrapment. He wants to punish your son for lying about finding the dollar, but he lied about losing the dollar. What is his punishment for lying going to be? I hope it’s you dumping him.” dozing-dynamite
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
He says he won’t tolerate dishonest people under his roof while repeatedly being dishonest to these kids to trick them. The only example he’s setting is how to gaslight and instill distrust in close relationships. Stop letting him set traps for your kids. If they had spent hours looking for the dollar in vain, they would have been perfectly right to feel confused, disappointed, and resentful when he came clean, if he even did.
Great way to teach kids to never believe what you say, not trust your motives, and hide things from you. Get rid of him.” IndependentBoot5479
Another User Comments:
“The dude is insulting both you and your kids. He thinks you have failed when it comes to discipline and you have raised horrible children.
Now he is trying to find any and all evidence to support his opinions and when he can’t find any he’s trying to manufacture some. He doesn’t love or respect you or your kids. NTJ, you know this is only the beginning right? He’s going to keep ramping this up until he has a reason to treat all of you like crap and blame you for it.
Y’all has been together for 2 years and he is absolutely trying to lay down the foundation to control all of you.” ECVmrclampersir
15. AITJ For Wanting To Go On My Dream Vacation Alone?
“I (38F) have been married to my husband (42M) for 11 years. We do a lot of things together, share a lot of passions/hobbies and we love to travel.
There is this one trip that is very expensive that I have wanted to go on for a few years. He was on board. Today we were talking and I mentioned the exact budget for this trip and gave him more details on what we would do and see.
It turns out that he is not that interested in these things and he wouldn’t want to spend that much money on this. He said that he should just send me by myself. At first, I said that I would like to go with him but he said that he couldn’t see himself spending this amount on this trip.
This is where I am probably the jerk. I said okay, I would go by myself and I suggested that it can be my 40th birthday gift. I also said that it doesn’t have to be on my exact birthday and that I could go anytime, maybe when he is traveling for work or visiting family.
He was really hurt that I would consider going without him. His reasoning is that I offered him many times to go on trips that are his dream trips by himself because I couldn’t go (because of work) and he always declined because he feels it wouldn’t be a dream trip if we are not sharing it.
I understand now that it was selfish of me to take him up on the offer and to want to go alone.
I am also a little hurt that he offered it and it feels like I fell into a trap. I genuinely thought he was okay with me going since it was his idea.
I would have never suggested going on my own if he didn’t mention it. However, he is so hurt that he is saying it will change our whole life together now and that he will start just living his dreams without thinking of me first. To be clear, every time I offered him to go on a trip without me, I really meant it and would have planned everything for him with all my heart.
Which is why I assumed the same when he said he wanted to send me by myself. Anyway, now, I feel like a huge jerk for considering this knowing he never took me up on any of my offers. So, am I as big a jerk as I feel?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Is it exhausting to be married to someone who has to test you to gauge your love for him? Based on his response, he sounds extremely insecure and petty. Living his dreams without thinking of you because you fell into a trap he set for you?
People who love each other want the best for one another. Your definition of a dream trip does not need to align with his – you are different people with different interests.
You should not feel like a jerk. You’re just married to one.” Oldgamerlady
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you and your husband should still be able to do things by yourselves. You guys are individuals before being married. If this trip is truly a dream for you then your husband shouldn’t mind it and definitely should not have made that offer a trap to hold against you.
This is a ‘screw around and find out’ type of situation he screwed around with the offer and found out something he didn’t want to hear. Even though it is clear from previous interactions that you never had an issue with him going on his own dream trips alone, it seems he was expecting you to act the same way he would have which makes him a major jerk.
Go on that trip because he already said he would be doing his stuff alone from now on.” 8inchtwink
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s his fault for offering and expecting you not to take the offer. Even after initially refusing, he pushed you towards going alone.
What did he expect? That you keep saying no over and over to prove to him that you wouldn’t go alone, no matter how tempting it would be?
His thinking that it has to be the both of you for a dream vacation and denying the possibility to go alone because it wouldn’t be worth it for him is all well and good.
But that’s his own opinion. It doesn’t have to be yours. If he ever does something because he expects that gesture to be returned, maybe he needs to talk about that first and see if you’re on the same page. Because if you’re not, he’s just building the potential for resentment for no good reason.
You are not the jerk for wanting to travel to a specific location so much that you’re willing to go alone, and your husband declining to go on trips without you is not a reason to guilt you into not going unless you specifically agreed you’d never do that (which would still be a silly thing).
You are still a separate person and can have wishes and goals that don’t exactly align with his AND you can still work towards those goals without being a jerk towards your SO. Again, NTJ.” Voeglein
14. AITJ For Giving My Daughter's Dog To Her Sister?
“My husband and I have 3 daughters, Phoebe (21), Maddie (18), and Lily (16). My husband spoils Lily. We’ve fought over it many times but he still does it.
The example relevant to this story is that Lily wanted a dog in April 2020. Phoebe and I didn’t want a dog, Maddie couldn’t care less. Beginning of July 2020, my husband came home with a little pomchi puppy, Charlie. Lily adored Charlie and took great care of him for around 3 months.
Then she decided dogs are too much work and she wanted a cat. We had a cat, Duncan, by Christmas. Then Charlie couldn’t sleep in Lily’s room because Duncan was sleeping there. Lily stopped walking Charlie because Duncan doesn’t like to be alone and she stopped playing with him.
Phoebe became attached and let Charlie sleep on her bed, she started taking him on his walks, she cooks for him, buys him new treats and toys, and handles all of his vet and grooming appointments. She even takes Charlie to work with her at least once a week.
Phoebe just graduated and is planning on moving out. She planned on staying near us because she wanted to be near Charlie but we live in a high-cost-of-living area and she’d struggle here so I told her she can take Charlie. She came to me the other day and said she found the perfect apartment for her and Charlie.
It has a low pet rent, there’s a back patio connected to what would be her apartment, the building has its own dog park, and her friend (who is currently living there and needs a roommate) works from home and would be able to take Charlie out and play with him while she’s at work.
I told her it sounds great and that I’m happy for her but Lily asked what makes her think she can take Charlie. I said I told her to take Charlie because she’s the one that takes care of Charlie and Charlie is very attached to her.
Lily got mad and said I have no right to tell anyone that they can take her dog and my husband is on her side. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for letting Phoebe have Charlie. And it’s not just because Lily clearly needs to learn that animals are an ongoing responsibility.
It’s because leaving Charlie in a house where he is ignored and not taken care of would be cruel. Charlie is a living creature and deserves the best life possible. He and Phoebe have bonded; Phoebe takes good care of him; he’s happy and healthy with her.
If he’s left with Lily… what would happen to him? Honestly, how good would his care be? Left alone in the house, not taken for walks, not given any love or training or attention?
Lily has to understand that this isn’t about her; it’s about the dog.
She needs a wake-up call and hopefully, this becomes one for her. If not… honestly, I worry about the kind of adult she will grow into.” throwawaynoise97
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: If she wants Charlie she can start doing all the work that’s required for him.
Pets are not a right they are a privilege and your Husband and daughter have failed to realize that. Charlie is a living breathing being who deserves the best quality of care. I suggest you make a list of all tasks associated with Charlie (grooming, vet, walks, food, toys) and their price points and hand them to Lily explain that this is what it costs to have Charlie and that you and your husband and your oldest won’t be paying for this any longer and that it’s up to her to get a job and be responsible for Charlie.
That dog is not any toy that can be bought and played with until the shiny new toy comes along.” alreadyovereacting
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Lily needs to learn the minute she stopped providing any care for Charlie, he was no longer hers. She can have a hissy fit but at this point, she just seems like she wants to be the center of attention.
Having said that, you’re doing all your kids a disservice by not confronting your husband about his behavior. Your kids all see this and I guarantee Phoebe and Maddie will resent Lily, especially if this continues into adulthood. Stop letting this happen and put some limits on this nonsense.” giantbrownguy
13. AITJ For Giving Away My Ex's Guinea Pigs?
“I (m23) have an ex named Nancy (f22). We dated for around a year and have been friends since high school, but I broke up with her in September after I found out that Nancy was having an affair with one of her coworkers.
Nancy and I were living together in an apartment that I rent in my name.
She has three pet guinea pigs that we’ve been keeping in the apartment.
After the breakup, Nancy moved out to go stay with a friend. She promised she’d be back in a couple of weeks to collect the guinea pigs and that she’d text me.
After a couple of weeks, I tried to call Nancy to ask about the guinea pigs and that was when I noticed she blocked my number and she blocked me on social media as well. I contacted some of Nancy’s friends and siblings on social media trying to get through to her about the guinea pigs but everyone blanked me.
I would’ve gone to the house in person to talk to her but I didn’t know where her friend lives.
I tried several more times to get through to Nancy through her relatives on social media including her parents and grandparents but no one was responding to me, even though I made it clear that if I don’t hear anything back I will rehome the guinea pigs.
Her mom replied to me but she just told me to shut up and then blocked me.
After hearing nothing back until now I just assumed Nancy wasn’t going to come back for the guinea pigs. I posted an ad for them and last week I gave them away to a sweet middle-aged lady who already owned some guinea pigs.
Apparently, one of Nancy’s friends saw my ad and told Nancy that I gave away her guinea pigs. She unblocked me and called me and screamed at me on the phone and said that I’m a horrible person.
I asked why she didn’t contact me about the guinea pigs and if she was coming back for them and she said she couldn’t bring herself to talk to me and that things have been hard for her.
Nancy demanded that I get the guinea pigs back off of the woman and give them back to her and I refused. She said it was the least I can do since I gave them away. I told her she basically abandoned her pets so why shouldn’t I.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You went above and beyond in trying to get in touch with her. Sure, maybe she couldn’t handle talking to you, but surely there is someone in her family or social circle who wasn’t quite as traumatized by your breakup and could have responded to you and/or passed on your message.
You even warned that you would re-home the guinea pigs if you didn’t hear from her.
If her friend hadn’t found out about the re-homing, you’d never have heard from her again. She probably liked the idea of you having to chase her around and her being able to reject you, and I think she wanted this to continue indefinitely.
Which also makes her a heartless pet owner.
If she cared about those guinea pigs, she would have gotten them from you.
I’m guessing she thought she was playing a clever game by having you hang onto them and refusing all communication, but sadly for her, it turns out she was actually playing ‘screw around and find out.'” FeuerroteZora
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No matter how mad she was at you, no matter how much she blamed you for the breakup, she had an obligation to proactively keep a line of communication open with you as long as you were responsible for her pets.
Even if she was unable to bring herself to talk to you, she could have (and should have) had a friend or relative contact you… And she can hardly argue that she was keeping the breakup private, given how thoroughly everyone ignored your attempts to establish contact.
I would encourage you to give her a method to contact the new owner (or, if you are worried she’d take advantage of the info, give her info to the new owner so she can decide if she wants to contact your ex), and then wash your hands off the situation.” DinaFelice
Another User Comments:
“Holy cow, what a jerk. Her, not you. You are NTJ.
I can’t help but wonder what she told her friends and family about why you broke up, to make them so angry towards you. Clearly, she did not tell them she was the one who was unfaithful.
And she had the nerve to cry to you about how hard it’s been for her?!
She clearly knew that you wanted her to take them back so she should have called you then. If she was worried or wanted them, she would’ve gotten in touch no matter how emotionally ‘hard’ things had been for her.
I hope it’s guilt that’s making her feel that bad because she has no other reason for self-pity.
Take a page out of her mother’s book and tell her to shut up. The guinea pigs are gone and luckily so is she.” Pure-Relationship125
"It's hard to speak with her. She broke my heart when she cheated with XXXXX, I just want this to be over. Can someone please contact her then help make arrangements to pick them up for her, so I don't have to see her but she can get her pets back?"
This way she would have had a window of time to claim them. It's NOT hard to ask someone to swing by to pick them up.
Since it's already done just block her and be done with her.
12. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For Everyone's Lunch?
“I didn’t go to college after high school and instead started working many odd jobs, mainly serving and bartending. Then the global crisis hit and made me realize I didn’t want to deal with the public or intoxicated people, anymore. I decided to go back to school after saving up some funds but ran into some unexpected expenses pretty quickly.
Vet bills and car trouble burned through my savings within a month of starting school. My mom agreed to help me out financially and she still pays about a third of my bills (car payment/insurance and phone bill, I still pay my rent and other bills with money from a job at my school).
She’s been a big help and she knows I appreciate it a lot, she can be a bit stubborn at times but after I started school, we got a lot closer. She never liked the jobs I had before and would always be snide if I talked about them around her, so I kept her at a distance for most of my adult life until now.
I’m set to graduate in the spring. One of my professors told me about a job he thinks I’d be well suited for, and after a few interviews, I’ve snagged it! The job is in the field I’m studying and the pay is great for entry-level, way more than I’ve ever made.
They hired me knowing I’m still in school and it seems they will be flexible with the remainder of my studies. I’m working through my notice at the school and begin my new job next week. However, my mom is not at all supportive.
During my interviews, she begged me to reconsider many times.
She says it’s too similar to bartending (because the job involves meeting new people, although this is strictly a B2B and not serving intoxicated people, so to me, it is different enough, right?) After I told her I got the job, she gave me a quiet congratulations and let up on actively discouraging it but I’ve been avoiding talking about it too much just to avoid tension.
I’ve been going to lunch with my mom and some of my aunts (her sisters) on Saturdays for the last few months. My mom and her sisters rotate on paying the whole bill, and since I’ve been struggling financially I’m not part of the rotation.
This last Saturday, my mom announced that since I have this new cushy job, I will be paying the bill this time. She knows I haven’t started this job and still only make $200/week. I offered to pay after I get my first paycheck instead but that wasn’t good enough.
I checked my bank account and didn’t have enough to cover the bill, so I tried not to cry, told everyone I couldn’t pay, and left the rest of my food on the table and left. I felt terrible on the way home but I don’t know what else I could have done.
She hasn’t contacted me since until earlier today, telling me I need to be more respectful and pay it forward after she’s been giving me so much money, especially after going and getting a job that will leave me just as burnt out as before.
I haven’t responded to her yet, and feel like I might be the jerk since she’s been helping me out so much. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She knew you hadn’t started that job yet. Also, I’m not sure what the job is but it’s your life and having a job, especially one that pays well should be a source of pride, not snide comments.
She should have ASKED if you could afford to pay, instead of humiliating you. Hopefully, your aunts will be more understanding. I hope you can resolve this with your mum as clearly you have a good relationship with her usually (especially as she helps you financially).
Suggest you pay for the first lunch you have after you get your first paycheck.” ToothSuccessful9654
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She did that to embarrass you. She knew you didn’t have the money yet, and it was punishment for not falling into line when she gave you advice/her opinion on your new job.
The problem with accepting money from family is that there are usually strings attached.
Chin up, OP. Send messages to everyone who was there and explain your situation and that you weren’t expecting to pay on that particular day, and offer to foot the bill when you have the money to do so.
Be kind and upfront about it, and your mother might end up feeling just a little bit ashamed of herself (which she should).” Emzikin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your mom helping you during school does not me and you owe her. If she helped you, then she helped you.
If she’s expecting to get dues from it, then it was a loan, and she’s going to hang everything she did for you over your head for the rest of your life.
It’s wrong that she put you in that position and I can’t look at it and think it came from a good place.
Because her jumping that you need to become part of the rotation when you haven’t started making money is cruel. You should keep your distance because that didn’t come from a good place.” JCBashBash
11. AITJ For Not Inviting My Father-In-Law's Partner To My Wedding?
“Future husband and I (f29) have been together for 8 years and we’re finally getting married.
There’s this family friend of my partner’s family, let’s call her Annie, who had tried to make some moves on my partner to try and get him to leave me for her.
She eventually gave up when she could see it wasn’t going to happen. She did some pretty nasty things that I won’t get into here. She was also very disrespectful towards me, to the point where my partner has asked his parents to warn him if Annie would be around for parties/get-togethers because if she was, we wouldn’t be going.
I guess Annie moved on to FIL when it didn’t work with my partner, and she succeeded. FIL left MIL for Annie 5 years ago. She is the same age as me, FIL is almost 30 years my senior.
MIL was obviously devastated to lose her husband of 30+ years just like that.
She is the sweetest woman and I really felt for her. It didn’t help that FIL didn’t own up to his actions at the time. My partner also talked to his dad about how Annie tried to make moves on him several times and asked his dad if he didn’t think this whole thing was kind of weird and disrespectful of her to be doing.
But FIL never saw a problem with anything that Annie did, and continued his relationship with her.
Over the years, FIL has not been in touch with the family much. But my partner still loves his dad, which I respect. So we of course extended an invitation to him for our wedding.
But we both agree that Annie is not invited. I cannot just forget about the way she disrespected me personally, and disrespected my relationship with my partner. I also don’t want drama at our wedding, because I know that if MIL sees FIL and Annie there together, there will be some sort of drama.
She’s had a very hard time over the past few years being a single mom who was previously a stay-at-home mom for over 30 years, so I can kind of understand how she feels. The way I see it, my responsibility is to her feelings, and not to Annie’s.
My SIL said we’re taking this too far and should just get over all of this crap that happened over 5 years ago. I know there is the ‘my wedding my rules’ kind of thing, but I’m wondering if inviting FIL but excluding Annie from the wedding makes us jerks.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. SIL is nuts to think it is okay for someone who tried to break up with you and your fiance to come to the wedding. Never mind she split up from a married couple of 30 years. Tell FIL Annie is unwelcome, and will be thrown out if she shows up, along with him (and make sure you have designated ‘bouncers’ to do so).” Comment7215
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. SIL sounds like she’s friends with Annie. I bet she’s been more in touch with Dad than your fiancé. She does not yet realize the actual devastation that has been wrought upon her Mom. In the US, if you are a stay-at-home, mother for the great majority of your life and don’t have employment where you can contribute to Social Security then you have no Social Security benefits.
Yes, you can attach to some of your ex-spouses, apparently, but that is a pittance compared to what she could’ve potentially had of her own benefits. So, unless your father-in-law was particularly well off, and she had a pretty good outcome from this affair and divorce, then her financial future is always at risk.
Your SIL doesn’t seem to understand how that could be completely devastating. I would be willing to bet she has established a good relationship again with her own father and his partner. And she is talking from that perspective versus understanding the peril he put her mother into.
I think you are completely right in this situation. Your MIL’s feelings are more important here. What happened is completely wrong and since your fiancé would like your father there, there is no need to hurt MIL more by allowing Annie to attend. If your FIL wants to be happy with somebody, like that, then, so be it.
But you don’t have to play into his narrative and make it easy for her to fit into your lives.” Special-Parsnip9057
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Annie sounds awful and if your FIL doesn’t come because she isn’t invited, well, awesome. Your SIL though, perhaps give her details about what happened between Annie and your partner before she moved on to FIL.
If nothing else she’ll know why you’ve made the decision you have, and hopefully, it will keep her from causing more drama down the line.” MyBedroomIsSiberia
10. AITJ For Not Kicking My Wife Out Of My Wedding After She Disrespected My Wife?
“My wife and I got married on the Saturday before Halloween and just returned from our honeymoon, and still can’t come to an agreement about this issue.
We always wanted a Halloween wedding but didn’t want to get married on a Monday night for multiple reasons, however, if Halloween had fallen on a Saturday we could have gone with it.
Anyway, during the wedding, there was a conversation about having a wedding on an actual holiday and my mom said she wouldn’t have come.
Everyone was kind of shocked and asked her to clarify. My mom said people who get married on holidays are selfish and she would never take trick or treating away from my sisters when we could have chosen any other day.
She said kids really only get about 12-14 Halloweens to trick or treat and she wouldn’t take that from them for anyone.
My wife and her whole family were horrified. Honestly, I wasn’t surprised. I knew she felt that way and she had actually previously missed her SILs wedding as it was on NYE.
My wife told my mom she was being rude and who says that in front of the bride? She said she was also playing favorites, and if our wedding is that unimportant she can leave. My mom was like it isn’t Halloween though so it is a non-issue, but my wife was upset.
She asked me in private to make her leave and I declined. I felt that my mom was not disrespecting us specifically, just giving her opinion, and I wasn’t kicking my mom out of my wedding over a hypothetical situation. We by no means spent the honeymoon fighting over this, but I was wondering as she still feels strongly that I should have kicked her out.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – She was just stating her opinion, and as she said it’s a nonissue since it’s hypothetical. She also wasn’t playing favorites in any conceivable way since she said she’d feel the same for anyone, and because she already missed SiL’s wedding when it took place on a holiday.
I do see her point. I wouldn’t call people who have holiday weddings selfish per se, but I can see why she’d want to preserve Halloween memories for the kids since they don’t have very many growing up. She didn’t say she’d try to make you change your mind if the date did fall on Halloween, she would respect that but just choose not to attend.” CrimsonKnight_004
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I nearly said NTJ but couldn’t bring myself to give your mother a pass here. I strongly disagree with everyone saying your mother did nothing wrong and with your attitude that she was just sharing an opinion rather than being directly disrespectful.
Your mother’s remark was rude. If it had been a general discussion about holiday weddings ok fine. But it wasn’t. It was a discussion about YOUR wedding AT your wedding. Saying she wouldn’t have gone if it had been on a holiday is totally combative.
It’s hard to believe someone could choose to share that opinion then and there without intending it to be hurtful. And she made it worse by saying what your wife would have done is selfish. In fact, if your wording is correct she said ‘people who do you what you wanted to do are selfish’.
She straight up called you both selfish to your face at your wedding and she said trick or treating was more important than your wedding… at your wedding! Her behavior was awful.
Now did your wife overreact? Yeah probably. She should have brushed it off and gotten on with things.
She shouldn’t have asked you to kick your mother out and I’m glad you didn’t. But it might have been a whole lot easier for your wife to be the bigger person if you’d at least acknowledged that it was a rude and combative thing for your mother to say in that context rather than dismissing your wife’s feelings.
I doubt this is the only time your wife has felt disrespected by your mother. You should start paying more attention.” StompyKitten
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because making her leave would’ve escalated things to a level that would probably have repercussions for years, but your wife is correct in saying that your mother was really rude.
And to say it at your wedding? Either your mom is one of the most socially clueless people ever, or ‘I wouldn’t have come to your wedding/I will always choose other people over you’ was intended to HURT.
You say your mom didn’t disrespect you/your wife specifically, but by saying that in front of everyone – at your wedding – she very much did exactly that.
It’s more than hypothetical. Telling you & your wife at your wedding that your sisters are more important to her than you are is something she DID, not just something she hypothetically did.
Your wife being so much more upset about it than you are makes me wonder what else she’s already been putting up with from your mom that you’re blind to.
Wife’s whole family was shocked. You were not even surprised. Guess what- her family reacted the way normal people would! Maybe take a hint from that?” EmilyAnne1170
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – Your mom actually disrespected your wife, and you, on your wedding day.
Sure kids only have 12-14 Halloween to celebrate but you (hopefully) will only have one wedding to celebrate. And you’re her son, not a SIL.
It’s important for a parent to be here for this kind of one-in-a-lifetime event.
Therefore you aren’t the jerk for not kicking her out.
But you do are the jerk for not standing up for your wife and not acknowledging her feelings. You acted like your own mother saying that your wedding is less important than trick or treating in front of the guest was totally legitimate and let down your life in a moment she was probably extremely sensitive and when you two should have been closer than ever.” illuner
9. AITJ For Demanding To Be Paid Upfront?
“I (F15) babysit for money because my parents won’t let me get a real job.
But my mom has a habit of telling her friends that I will do it for free.
So I have started demanding payment upfront from her friends. And I am very clear that if they are going to be any longer than agreed they have to transfer me more money immediately.
I am sick and tired of her friends saying that they will be home by ten and then getting there at one in the morning.
I have lost a few of them as clients because I am acting entitled and my mom says that she is embarrassed that I am behaving this way about money.
I told her that if she wanted she could pay me to watch her friend’s children. She didn’t like that either. She said that as long as I live with her I have to respect her and that means doing favors for her friends. I basically said no problem and immediately called my dad and asked if I could permanently move into my room at his house.
He has asked me a few times if that is something I would like because of my constant complaints about my mom. The funny thing is he uses me to babysit his kids. But he always pays me because he knows that’s how I make money.
And my stepmom is also cool with paying me if she needs a break during my time there.
So now my mom says I’m being manipulative by threatening to move out just because I am not getting my way.
I think she is in the wrong for volunteering my time without my permission.
Especially when she does it retroactively.
Edit: She has done this to my little brother too. Our neighbors offer him money to mow their lawns, rake leaves, or shovel snow and she makes him either take less or turn down payment. He has dealt with it by just refusing to do anything for anyone since he knows he won’t get paid.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You deserve to get paid for your work. Let’s face it: Babysitting isn’t always easy.
I don’t think your mother will quit ‘volunteering’ your babysitting services once you do get some other job.
It seems this babysitting squabble is just the tip of the iceberg.
You indicate you’ve been having other problems with your mom. It might be a good idea to move in with your dad but talk to him first about any rules he would want you to follow. For example, he might want you to do certain chores, or he might set a curfew for you.
If all of that is agreeable to you, start packing your bags.” Sea-Confection-2627
Another User Comments:
“NTJ without a doubt. You are not your mother’s slave and she can’t send you out to work for her friends for free. That’s not how parenthood works.
She provides for you. She is not owed compensation through free favors. Working for your own money is not an entitlement. Expecting to be paid for your work is not an entitlement.
It sounds like time to move to your father’s house where your time is respected and your initiative to work is rewarded. This is not manipulative.
This is taking care of yourself and not allowing your mother to walk all over you.” 0kayte
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Congratulations you have learned a life lesson so many current workers are too naïve, or ignorant to learn. How to market yourself for better pay and benefits.
This is real-world stuff that mommy dear doesn’t seem to have dealt with in her life so naturally, it’s wrong for you to earn money for your time and work.
If you don’t make the money you believe you are worth you are free to look elsewhere.
There are labor laws for not paying for work (not that, this would apply here). But you must legally be compensated for the work you do.
Dad is willing and able to meet the better pay and benefits so mommy loses an employee, just like any real-world employer.” DisGruntledDraftsman
8. AITJ For Not Allowing Her To Come Out?
“I’m 46F, my daughter is 16F. Her 16th birthday was yesterday.
Every birthday I bake her a cake, I’ve done it since her first birthday. I was baking in the afternoon when she got in the kitchen saying: Mom, I need to tell you something.
I stopped what I was doing to pay attention to her and asked what was wrong.
She said: Mom, I have to be honest with you (She spoke a little speech here about how much she loves me and how she can’t keep this secret anymore)… So, I’m that I can finally tell you that, I like girls, I’m a lesbian.
I immediately responded with: I know.
She was shocked, and shouted: You knew? How?
I said: Honey, you have gay written all over your face. Honestly, I wasn’t even expecting you to come out, just to come home one day to introduce your SO to us.
She started crying a little, then I continued talking and retelling some key moments that give away that she likes girls, like that moment in 1st grade when she referred to her best friend as her ‘bride.’
She asked if her dad knows, and I said yes.
She was hurt. Said that she has been planning to come out for so long, that was riddled with anxiety every time she tried to speak to me or her dad about it, and that I should have told her that I knew, so she could skip all the near anxiety attacks.
I said that there was always a chance I could be wrong, or that she could be Bi or Pan, and in the end, she is a separate person and her s*******y is not my business. I told her I love her so much, that this changed nothing, and I will welcome any partner of hers.
She nodded her head, but started crying and went to her room. I finished the cake, but she went out that night with her friends instead, I saved the cake in the fridge and waited for her to come home, but when she arrived went straight to her room.
Today, she left for school, barely saying good morning to me.
I don’t know If I was too cold, too distant, or whatever, something is wrong here and I don’t know if it is me.
AITJ?
Update: Last night I spoke to my daughter. She was still very emotional, but she allowed me to speak to her.
I apologized for my response, I told her I was sorry, that I understood it was a big moment for her, and that I wanted her to know that I will always love her. She said was sorry for acting out, but I told her she had nothing to apologize for.
We had a long talk, she opened up about her fears. She was trying to be not to be so obviously queer because some kids at her school are awful against queer kids and knowing that she is very obviously gay spiked her fears. I apologized again, and I will talk to the school administrators as soon as I can, I need to protect my daughter.
She spoke about her anxiety issues. After the talk, she was calmer, but I’m worried about her, I think she might have an anxiety disorder, so I’ll book her a psychologist for that, and she agreed to go to a psychologist. She also said that she loved me and was glad that I supported her.
I told everything to her dad. He also spoke to her to say more or less the same as I did and will take her to the movies tomorrow.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I don’t think you can be the jerk when you clearly had good intentions.
Your goal was to convey that you’ve never cared whether she was straight or not, but I can see how she may be upset by the notion that either everyone knows her identity without her wanting them to or that others were aware of her identity before she was.
When she’s ready to talk, I think this should be a very doable conversation and it might be helpful to let her lead it. ‘Hey, it seemed like you were upset when I said I had suspected you might like girls already. It wasn’t my intention to upset you.
I was hoping to make you feel more comfortable. Can we talk about what about that upset you so that I know how to handle things better in the future and can apologize properly?'” GoatKindly9430
Another User Comments:
“Even though I know that you meant well, your reaction makes you the jerk.
It’s wonderful that you’re accepting and will love her the way she is! However, saying ‘you have gay written all over your face’ isn’t exactly comforting. She’s a teenager who’s already probably insecure about her appearance and s*******y. Now she’s gotta be wondering ‘does EVERYONE look at me and instantly know I’m a lesbian?’ While some people might feel comfortable enough to just bring a partner home and introduce them, it can be really nerve-wracking as a queer person to do so, especially if you’re young and not out to most people.
Also, she waited to tell you about her birthday, so she wanted it to be a special moment. Think about when you have an important piece of news and you’re super nervous or excited to tell your loved ones. You want to see their reactions live so they can celebrate with you.
If you came forward to make your happy announcement and your loved ones were just like, ‘yeah, I know,’ I think your bubble would probably burst.
I’d recommend apologizing that you diminished her big moment and just emphasizing again that you love her no matter what.
It will blow over and she’ll be happy that you accept her regardless.” cutarecordonmythroat
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Everyone reacts differently to these moments. Your daughter had certain expectations about how this interaction would go, and instead, it was wildly different and she didn’t respond well to that.
Some teens would respond well to how this interaction went. You were supportive and welcoming, but perhaps you could have made a bigger deal about how much it meant to you that she felt safe coming out to you, even though you had your suspicions.
But whatever it was that your daughter was looking for in her coming out, it wasn’t what she got, and the only person who could tell you what she was looking for is her. When she’s ready, I think it’s time for a deep heart-to-heart when you’re not distracted by cake, even if it’s her cake.” Cryptographer_Alone
Another User Comments:
“‘Matching their energy’ is the key to navigating these things. She came to you with what was, to her, a huge deal, and your response was basically ‘meh.’
Kids go through loads of stuff that is ‘Meh’ to parents. 3rd-grade play where they have one line?
Seriously, super-meh. In the grand scheme of things, nobody will care. But to the kid, at that time, it can be a huge deal. So the parents need to match that energy. Get excited to see the show. Make a fuss over the costume. Help rehearse.
Show up on time and be attentive, and, of course, clap and cheer loudly. Maybe get them flowers or take them out for ice cream afterward.
Coming out is obviously a much bigger deal than a 3rd-grade play. Teens are regularly shunned, disowned, and sometimes even harmed for coming out.
Even if your daughter thought you would probably be supportive, guarantee she’s heard those stories, and there’s always that little worry underneath that she could be one of the unlucky ones.
I imagine it’s much like skydiving the first time. Yes, your gear has been checked and rechecked, and you have an instructor guiding you along, and you know you’ll probably be fine, but there is always a chance, however small, that something could go wrong and you’ll end up splattered across a field.
The danger, and the accompanying fear, are both very real. YOU knew you would be accepting and supportive, but she’s not a mind reader and didn’t share that certainty.
Your daughter fretted over this. The ‘we always figured’ admission could have waited. For her, this was a solemn and scary thing.
I mean, she prepared a speech! It needed a response equally solemn and supportive.
Your daughter is also right that you could have said something sooner. It didn’t have to be ‘hey, we know you’re gay.’ You’re right that you could have been mistaken in some way.
But there’s no reason you couldn’t have occasionally said something along the lines of ‘by the way, if you turn out to be a lesbian or bi or whatever, it won’t change how much we love you at all.’ Pose it as a hypothetical, and if you’re wrong, no harm is done.
If you’re right, you’ve just given them valuable reassurance.
Gentle YTJ.” Tazlima
7. AITJ For Not Wanting My Fiancée's Non-Binary Sibling To Be A Groomsman?
“My (29F) financee, we’ll call him Dan (31M), and I have been together for three years and just got engaged. He has one sibling, who identifies as nonbinary. We’ll call them Quinn (23). Quinn’s parents are alright with it but don’t really understand. Dan dotes on them and they are super super close.
I like Quinn a lot, and we usually get along pretty well. They’re a bit quirky and nerdy, which isn’t typically what my friends are like, but they’re funny and pretty nice. This I think is important for context. Though Quinn identifies as non-binary, they’re usually gendered as a woman everywhere we go, since they still have long hair, wear makeup, and are on the bigger side with a pretty big chest and are 5 foot nothing tall.
They usually wear men’s clothing, but occasionally will wear a dress or a skirt.
Today I was discussing wedding plans with Dan and he mentioned that Quinn was going to be a ‘groomsperson’ and stand on his side and wear a suit. I was a little shocked by this.
I figured that Quinn would wear a dress, since they do wear dresses sometimes, and be on my side. Quinn doesn’t use a binder and I’m afraid they would stick out and would confuse my older family members, who I haven’t even really had a talk with about Quinn yet.
When I expressed this to my fiancee he was mad.
He said it was inconsiderate of me, and that it showed that I think of Quinn as a woman. I really don’t, and I don’t mind Quinn being a part of that side of the wedding party for all the before-wedding stuff, besides like stuff pertaining to the clothes and whatnot.
Like I don’t mind Quinn going to the bachelor party and not the bachelorette. I just think it will look weird and cause unnecessary stress and confusion on the day.
I even said Quinn could wear a black dress or flowy pants made to look like a dress, to better for with their style, but my fiancee isn’t having it.
He said he won’t even ask Quinn about it, cause it will upset them. Would I be the jerk if I asked Quinn if they’d mind?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You have a very narrow mindset and it shows in your language. ‘They’re a bit quirky and nerdy… This is important for context.’ It really wasn’t, it was kind of just a lame attempt at masking your own transphobia.
They’re not quirky for wanting to stand on their brother’s side, a lot of cisgender women attend as groomsmen for their brothers, it’s not some unheard of thing. and a lot of women wear suits to weddings too (even though the point here is that Quinn isn’t even a woman — you just see them as one and it would make you uncomfortable for them to express themselves fully in front of your family and friends).
The second to last paragraph really did it for me. ‘He said it was inconsiderate of me, and that it showed that I think of Quinn as a woman.’ Which he’s right, you do. ‘I just think it will look weird and cause unnecessary stress and confusion on the day.’ Who are you referring to as the ‘it’ in this sentence?
‘It will look weird’? you mean your sibling-in-law simply being themselves is going to be weird for you? I don’t think it will cause unnecessary stress and confusion, I think you’re just projecting your own feelings and you’re too afraid to stand beside them because that’ll expose you for what you really are — a narrow-minded jerk.
You are absolutely the jerk, you literally want a nonbinary person to conform to cisnormative standards just for the sake of your own comfort. I get it’s your ‘big day’ or whatever, but it is for your fiancé as well, who clearly knows his sibling and what they would prefer to wear more than you do.” aesmcx
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
‘I just think it will look weird and cause unnecessary stress and confusion on the day.’
It’s really not. Lots of people have ‘man of honor’ or ‘best woman’ or bridesmaids in suits. Plus, a lot of his family will be aware of his sibling’s gender identity so why would they be confused?
Yours might be, but why does that even matter? It’ll have zero effect on the wedding. Who’s going to stress or even care aside from you? This is a ridiculous excuse. I’m guessing you’re worried about what people will think. Newsflash: if they care, they’re people whose opinion is worthless.
Why would you value the opinion of petty people over your fiance and your future in-law’s happiness?
Also, you really want to damage your marriage before it even started? If my partner insisted on not involving my siblings, I’d be like ‘if you have an issue with my siblings, there won’t be a marriage.’ Since my siblings, like your future in-law, have done nothing to deserve being excluded.
‘He said he won’t even ask Quinn about it, cause it will upset them.’
You should not say ‘Would you wear a dress?’ but I don’t think you should assume a preference for a dress. Just say ‘I know you identify as non-binary and we obviously want you to be part of the wedding party, I just want to check what you’d be more comfortable wearing.
If you want to wear a suit, that is no problem. I just don’t want to make any assumptions and make sure you’re feeling happy and confident in what your wearing.’ If they say ‘I want to wear a suit’, DO NOT pressure them.
Just tell them that’s absolutely fine and you’re so happy to have them up there with you and your fiance.” maybemaybo
Another User Comments:
“Quinn is not gendered as a woman most of the time or ever. They are nonbinary. Assuming large breasts or makeup or long hair or short stature means someone is a woman or is woman-like is problematic.
Anyone can have those physical characteristics or wear those things. When Quinn looks this way, they are still FIRMLY nonbinary. Some enbys use languages like femme-presenting/femme or masc/masc-presenting or andro/androgynous. You could ask Quinn if these words apply to them. But if Quinn says they are NOT femme presenting and wears makeup and dresses, they are still not femme and are still not a woman.
Their gender isn’t necessarily tied up in what they choose to wear or how they groom themselves.
Your fiance is upset because you DO see Quinn as a woman. I’m assuming they are AFAB (assigned female at birth)? It’s really not fair to them that you observe their clothing choices and the body they live in and you immediately slot them into being ‘gendered as a woman everywhere we go.’ The assumption that they would wear a dress and be on the bride’s side since they sometimes do wear dresses is also you seeing them as a woman.
When you talk about them sticking out because of their breasts and the fact they don’t wear a binder, it sounds like you are more worried about making Quinn conform to gender standards that don’t fit them than treating Quinn with love and acceptance. I think you need to try for a mental shift here.
Quinn is not judging anyone or asking anyone to change their life or gender identity. They just want to exist and be a part of the family. Other family members who might disapprove of Quinn probably do think Quinn should change. You by trying to disallow Quinn as a groomsperson in a suit also think Quinn should change.
Instead of forcing Quinn to change in order to accommodate your biases and those of family members who aren’t very accepting, instead provide space for Quinn to participate as they are. The changes that need to happen are that you and other family members need to grow your capacity for accepting people who are not the same as you.
Quinn does not need to make a change.
If you force this, things with Quinn are going to get messed up. They will not feel as comfortable around you. It sounds like your fiance is very close to them. Forcing this may also cause some resentment within your marriage.
It may cause your fiance to be concerned about the kind of values you hold. I doubt you want these things to happen.
I’m assuming you are probably the kind of person who wants to respect others and show compassion and acceptance toward those who are different.
I’m also assuming based on how you speak that either Quinn is the first non-binary person you have personally known, or else is one of few. If that’s the case, then you of course lack a schema to make sense of how to behave towards people who are not a part of the gender binary (man/woman is the gender binary).
You’re not a trashy person for lacking that. But you absolutely 100% will be the jerk if you allow that lack of experience to translate into inappropriate actions (forcing someone to dress a certain way and be a part of the women who are bridesmaids in order to accommodate you and others feel more comfortable).
Instead try having an open and vulnerable conversation with your fiance, Quinn, and/or both where you share that you have identified some ingrained biases you hold about Quinn’s gender. Explain that you understand now that these biases can lead to treating people poorly, which is what forcing Quinn to be a bridesmaid is.
Explain your concern over other family members being weird. Ask them for suggestions on what to do. I mean suggestions on the best choices to make but also suggestions on how to reframe your understanding of gender inside your mind, and suggestions for the right language to use, etc. Quinn might not want to participate in this conversation, and that’s cool.
Ask your fiance about it before trying to include Quinn in the conversation. But if you want to not be the jerk, find people around whom you can be vulnerable and open up to about this stuff. Identifying that you are being a jerk and engaging in harmful prejudice is hard and it’s normal to look for support to work through that and change your behavior.
Let this be a learning and growth opportunity rather than a moment when you allow ingrained biases to cause you to treat others inappropriately and a moment in which you cause potentially long-term familial conflicts. Quinn is your family now, so please take the time to do some personal growth so you can be an excellent sister-in-law to them.
Sincerely a non-binary AFAB who is often femme presenting but is definitely not a woman and would refuse to wear a dress.” lawrencek1992
6. AITJ For Being Surprised That My Father-In-Law Is Concerned About His Sick Wife?
“FIL was not a good father. My husband and his siblings make a lot of jokes about it, I feel to cope, but basically, he put every boomer stereotype to shame.
He wanted nothing to do with his kids, complained and moaned if MIL asked him to do anything, hired a nanny so she would stop asking, showed zero physical affection to his son and was limited towards the girls, and openly admits he dislikes children.
I think he had them because MIL wanted them, but the thing is she didn’t. MIL wanted babies and toddlers, so around five, they were handed off to the nanny.
FIL claims he loves his kids. I have serious doubts. Anyway, MIL was very sick about eight years ago.
It was about 6 months before they could find the cause, and she was in and out of the hospital, and FIL did everything for her, pretty much just held her constantly, fed her, brushed her hair, because she was weak to the point she just did not care.
Anyway SIL recently was saying how her dad is a jerk, but she wants a relationship like her parents have and no one is ever going to love her that much. Then she said her mom being ill made her have unrealistic standards for a man.
I made a comment about how I was surprised FIL did all of that since he was too selfish to raise his own kids, and it seems so weird to me that he would do things for her that you would do for a child (absolutely no shade I know how genuinely sick she was) when he couldn’t be bothered to do those things for his own kids.
Well, this got back to MIL and she called me shrieking and demanding an apology. She said I’m a jerk and how dare I compare her to a child being that sick didn’t make her ‘stupid’ and she said I’m a terrible person. I apologized but she was still mad and said I’m insensitive and she’s always known I was ‘evil’.
FIL is mad and said I insulted his character.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – people are complicated and have complex relationships and are not perfect. It sounds like this man had some issues but in the end, he does love his wife and maybe he does love his kids in his own way.
You completely overstepped here and you do owe them an apology. You were in fact being shady, and you got called out.” jrm1102
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It was a genuine reaction. Where you effed up was saying it to her daughter. You can say all of the honest things you want to about your own family, but folks are automatically going to get defensive when an outsider makes those comments about theirs.
You’ll always be the first one they throw under the bus. Keep your judgments/knee-jerk reactions and anything negative to yourself or to your friends who aren’t in the family.” Vegan_4evah
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you’re talking smack about them so you’ll get smacked down for it.
This was a tough one I wanted to say ‘everyone sucks here’, but being a good parent and a good spouse are not synonymous, you can be both, either one or none. FIL showing no love to his kids doesn’t necessarily mean he was a jerk to them, just means he didn’t put that extra love in there.
Also what SIL said wasn’t unrealistic, if anyone gets sick, I think they would want to know their partner would hold them down.” AsuraRathalos
Another User Comments:
“In all honesty? I have to give an ‘everyone sucks here’ and even despite all that has been said about the FIL he barely constitutes part of that.
Like… ok, yeah, your FIL was not exactly a paternal father of the year, and he was always upfront about that. He probably shouldn’t have had kids, but whatever, what’s done is done and it’s not like he can unimpregnate his wife 30 or 40 years later.
Plus, this is all said within the same context as everyone involved more or less admitting the MIL was equally as ineffectual as a parent.
Frankly, I think between the parent who only had kids to keep his marriage and the parent who said, ‘I love children’ and really meant, ‘babies’ I’d say at least the former was a good provider if he could afford a nanny to any degree of constancy.
The woman’s like those jerks who adopt pets for a season, or until they exit puppy/kittenhood and off to the pound they go… or the wilds. I can’t really say anything positive about a caregiver who only doesn’t leave their now no longer cute children on the side of a mountain because that’s no longer socially acceptable.
As for both SIL and you? Yeah, you both were acting catty and trashy, and it got back to your extended family. The conflict is very much your fault for at least not vetting trustworthy ears on the subject. Your MIL also didn’t really do herself any favors with her phrasing, but by all rights, your FIL has every right to be angry with what was said about him.” MundanePlanet
5. AITJ For Banning My Husband's Mom From The Hospital?
“My husband has been suffering from health issues for years. They’ve gotten worse in the past 6 months. He’s currently in the hospital (5 days now) things don’t seem to be getting better and he’s on a vent machine.
His mother and I admittedly don’t have the best relationship.
His condition has severed things between her and me but I keep to myself mostly and make sure to let her have her time with him.
When he first was admitted to the hospital, she tried to go against what I asked her to do.
Yesterday, I went home then came back and found out that she poured oil on him. She brought someone from the church and had my husband covered in oil from head to toe (even his hair). I was livid, I got into an argument with her and she argued that she was just anointing him (I heard they do this when they know the patient is going to say goodbye) and said that the hospital approved of it so I was lashing out for no reason.
I ended up banning her from the hospital which caused a huge blowup in the family. They started calling me cruel and said I can’t keep his mother away from him, nor do I own him. also said that she’s done nothing that would justify me banning her from seeing and visiting her son.
She is pushing to get access again but I refused to let her come.
Edit, My husband is religious, am not. His mom has always held this against me.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Unless his mother is doing something harmful to him, it is cruel and unreasonable to prevent her from seeing her seriously ill son in the hospital.
Your husband’s mother did something that it seems he would have wanted to be done if he could consent for himself. Why would you want to prevent his mother from completing a religious ritual for the religion that he shares with his mother when you say he is religious?
You’re obviously in a very stressful situation, but you are not the only person who loves and cares about your husband. While you need to set boundaries to protect your feelings and your time with him, you absolutely need to let his mother (and other family members) see him too.
Perhaps you can work out a schedule where you see him at different times of the day.
I hope things improve for your husband!” PurpleVermont
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I sincerely hope your husband is able to make a recovery and get out of the hospital soon.
I know this must be incredibly difficult for you and I’m sure having a strained relationship with your MIL does not help.
If I may give an opinion, I think what may have upset you may not be that your MIL was in the room nor the oil or the religious stuff, I think it’s that she was performing a ceremony on your husband which implies he will pass away.
For that, I really am sorry because that implication is heartbreaking.
What you may want to consider is if that’s the reason you’re upset with her. If it is, perhaps think about allowing some visitation with your husband. It sounds like you’re all hurting deeply and though I’m sure it’s hard to forgive, you might regret not doing so one day.” JudgeJudyScheindlin
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ, if this was something medically related that your MIL was doing then you would be totally in the right to ban her and prevent her from doing anything that could harm his medical situation. But the hospital has said that this was fine, meaning it will not affect their work, and this is a part of his religion.
If he had been able to communicate himself, he probably would have told you this was what he wanted. From what I read, you are against it specifically because it is a religious ceremony that you do not believe in. This time isn’t about you or your beliefs, it’s about him.
She should be able to spend time with him if there is a concern that he won’t recover and she should be able to perform the last rights ceremony if there is a concern, as this would be something he would want.
I know you are stressed out and emotional, I’m sorry you have to go through this, but don’t go against something it sounds like your husband would want with his beliefs just to set the stone on your own.” Thisisthatguy99
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Caring for and having life and death decisions over someone else is one of the hardest things anyone will do.
The mother disrespected the OP when she performed a ritual without consulting her. If the mother felt the religious rite was something the son would have approved of and wanted, she should have gone to the OP and outlined her reasons for doing it.
The OP could then check with the hospital to see if it would interfere with his care.
At times like these, there are a ton of decisions being made. Having drama while coping with this situation is stressful and difficult.
The OP should block the idiots who are causing and creating the drama and focus on her husband.” EileenTroemel
4. WIBTJ If I Dictate What My Mother-In-Law Wears At My Wedding?
“I (21F) and getting married in December. My wedding is right around the corner and I’m starting to finalize all the details. My fiancé’s (21M) mother (45f) is in a different country and will be flying in. I love her and she is great but we have had a bit of trouble when it has come to what she will wear for the wedding.
My wedding is, of course, a formal event and I want all my family to fit the description. My mother will be wearing a long black gown with gold detailing. She looks very elegant and beautiful. I want the same for my mother-in-law because of course if my family looks good, I want my fiancé’s family to look equally as elegant.
The problem is my mother-in-law refuses to wear a formal gown. She is really set on wearing a short black dress that you would wear to a club. I’m trying to nicely give her some options and even have some leeway with her but she is set on wearing a party dress for the ceremony.
I don’t find it appropriate at all. It’s going to be freezing and I firmly believe a wedding calls for a formal gown. WIBTJ if I told her no she can’t wear the dress?
Edit: Yes, my mother-in-law will be participating in the ceremony.
All of my guests will be wearing formal attire. People at my bridal party are wearing floor-length gowns. And it’s going to be very cold where the ceremony is taking place.
Update: it was a financial issue and I’m going to be buying her a dress.
When she flies in, she will pick it out and I’ll buy it for her.”
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ unless you’re willing to set the dress code for the entire event as ‘black tie formal’ – formal being the key word here, which differentiates it from regular black tie, black tie optional, white tie with tails, etc., in which case the expectation is floor-length gowns for all female guests and tuxedoes for all male guests.
There are reasons for these differentiations: one of these reasons is to prevent wardrobe arguments like the one you’re currently having with your future MIL without singling her out.
Saying ‘I don’t agree with your outfit’ is very different than saying ‘our event is black tie formal, you need to choose something within the boundaries of the dress code and what’s appropriate for the venue.’ The former makes you a jerk for attacking her personally; the latter makes her look stubborn and/or foolish if she shows up in a club dress while every other guest is wearing ballgowns.
If you’re not willing to go that formal for all guests, then you can’t dictate what future MIL wears.” trashpanda44224422
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
if the dress code for the wedding is formal or black tie, then you need to make it clear that she needs to be wearing a gown and not a short cocktail dress.
Your fiance needs to be having this conversation with her.
You also need to decide what to do if she decides to wear a cocktail dress and embarrass herself. Will she be barred from the wedding or what.
If the event is formal then make it clear she needs a gown or she can’t come.
But you and your fiance need to figure it out then put your foot down and say the decision is made. It’s this or no wedding.” Intrepid-Database-15
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You sound really controlling and judgmental. Also so immature. Your mother looks beautiful and elegant ‘for her age’?
I suppose you at 21 are just beautiful and elegant Full-stop? I’m questioning whether your MIL’s dress is actually inappropriate because I really wouldn’t take your judgment on that. It may be that it’s just not long enough or formal enough for your liking.
Have you seen a picture of it?
You can specify that the event is black tie, but that is much easier to define for men and some women interpret it to mean a full-length gown, others shorter cocktail dress. Are you going to police the door and refuse entry if you don’t think people are dressed appropriately?
You are also obsessed with her being cold. She’s 45 years old, not a 5-year-old child who doesn’t know how to dress for the cold. If you’re planning on having your wedding outdoors in a freezing December, I’m sure she’ll think to bring a coat.
If it’s indoors, it won’t be freezing. Either way, she’s a grown woman, if she wears something she’s cold in that’s her problem. You’re acting as though people over 40 are just decrepit!” autumnalday
I'd tell her that she can wear her party dress to a club another time but that your dress code is black tie. You've said everyone is wearing formal, floor length dresses. That's formal attire.
3. WIBTJ If I Don't Go To My Sister's Wedding?
“I am a 46-year-old woman. My husband passed away about 18 years ago.
Before he left, I promised him I will remain faithful to him for the rest of my life. To this day, I’ve never taken off my wedding ring. Even when I shower and exercise I leave it on. I have his on a necklace that I also never take off.
This will all be important later.
My younger sister has always disapproved of this choice. She tried to set me up with men multiple times and every time I tell her I’m not interested.
My sister is getting married for the 2nd time. She had a little bachelorette party but it was not a normal one.
It was me, her, our other sister, and he friend at her house. it was a nice little time. She’s been married before so she doesn’t really care about the experiences, she is just very in love with her fiance which is fine by me.
She was a little tipsy so maybe she wasn’t all there when she did this but she blurted out ‘OH my GOD YOU STILL WEAR YOUR RING?’ and I said ‘yeah I always will’ and she said GIRL TAKE IT OFF ALREADY AND GET BACK OUT THERE.
I said ‘I’m not interested’ She argued saying that I wear the necklace with his ring on it so I don’t ‘have to’ wear my wedding ring. I ignored her and she took my hand and I honestly thought she was going to kiss it and apologize, but she took my ring off my finger and said, ‘much better.’
I grabbed it back from her and I know this wasn’t the best thing to do but I was worked up and I yelled at her, I said ‘Never do that again you hear me!?’ and she said it was just a joke and I yelled again and said ‘NEVER DO THAT AGAIN’ and she said ‘ok I won’t jeez’ and everyone went quiet.
I went home and cried. I feel really bad for yelling at her. I just couldn’t control my anger. I felt so disrespected. I told her today I will not be attending her wedding, and now my mom and other sister are saying I’m a horrible sister and all that.
Be honest, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Not sure how to judge this. Gonna say NTJ, but you’re bordering on martyring yourself and it probably does pain people around you.
It’s up to you to determine if your sister is a selfish person and if you want to go low contact with her.
If you don’t, then it might be best to have a talk with her and try to patch things up, so you don’t have to not attend the wedding. As things stand, you have every right to abstain.
You may have promised to stay faithful, but given how things have played out, it might be time to ask if that was really fair to yourself.
And also, if any person could even imagine what they’ll leave behind and how it affects those people. Would your late husband really want this, after nearly 20 years?
And if this is what your sister thinks, at least be open to the idea that she does this out of a sense of care that got twisted up and caused these problems. If she can recognize that, then the two of you have a good chance of settling things.
And maybe you OP have a chance at coping in a different way and making something else of your life.
Oh, and don’t let anybody outside of this judge you. Screw them for calling you horrible.” ooooooooooooolivia
Another User Comments:
“I think this is borderline ‘everyone sucks here’.
Your choice is your choice, and your sister was the jerk for disrespecting it regardless of what her or anyone else’s opinion of it is. You are 100% entitled to continue wearing that ring and keeping your commitment to your late husband, and that choice should be respected.
But I am concerned about your reaction to the ring being removed for less than a minute. She didn’t drop the ring down the drain, swallow it, put it on her own finger, etc.
I wholeheartedly admit I can’t imagine the pain of his loss, and the commitment you have to his memory screams volumes about how much you love and miss him.
But I worry that this reaction to a minute of not wearing the ring isn’t healthy. Processing your grief doesn’t mean breaking your promise to him, but what have you done to process your grief? Was the ring being removed an anxiety response or a grief response?
Have you spoken to a counselor or therapist about becoming a widow at such a young age? I don’t think you’re a jerk per se, but the reaction is concerning. It’s not from a place of malice but pain – and it sounds a bit like you haven’t developed the healthiest coping mechanism for that pain.
Let me be clear – I’m not saying get over your husband. I’m not saying stop feeling pain or get back out there. Processing grief doesn’t mean letting him go or moving on – it means finding peace in holding both the love and the pain in your heart.
Talk to a grief therapist and see if this reaction was anxiety (that the ring has become something of a security blanket for you) or grief (betrayal from your sister in her removal of the ring and what it symbolizes), and find healthy coping mechanisms.” Aradene
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for yelling. But if your sister wants you to be there for her wedding, you should go. You and your sister experience Love differently, and both seem to think your way is better for your sister as well.
Tell your sister that you accept that your sister loves differently, but that it is just as valid.
Then tell her that you hope she can also accept your way of love.
You aren’t suffering with your choice, but because your sister knows she would be suffering if she was in your shoes, she might try to make you act like her, to ensure your happiness.
Tell her you are happy the way you are, and that you are happy she has found her own way to be happy. Ask her to respect your choice, despite not understanding it. And tell her you will in return respect her way of finding love, despite it not being something that would work for you.
This is one of those things that you don’t need to understand in order to respect: Don’t disrespect her for not finding or wanting the kind of love you have/had. And ask her to respect the way you decided to love.
Respect each other, and support each other despite not understanding: Trust that you both know what works to make yourself happy, despite it being different for both of you.” ThisWillBeYourNameF
2. AITJ For Telling My Wife To Invite My Mom's Partner To Thanksgiving?
“My wife has wanted to host a holiday for years, but has never had the opportunity due to other people hosting and lack of space, but since it is our first year married and in our new house, she is getting her chance to host.
We were recently discussing the guest list and she said my mom is invited, but she doesn’t want to invite her partner ‘John’ because she dislikes him and finds it uncomfortable to be around him. I think John is fine, extremely quiet to the point it is weird, and kind of sulky, but nothing that would make me blacklist him from Thanksgiving.
John just does not like people, and can’t be bothered to talk to anyone but my mom. He will say hi and bye, or talk/whisper with my mom but he doesn’t say anything beyond that. My mom will sometimes joke about it and stroke him which is a bit weird but I’m a live-and-let-live type.
He once said the words ‘I’m smart enough to make the money I want and good-looking enough to get the women I want, so I have no motivation not to act like this.’
I told my wife that it would be rude to invite my mom without John, it would really hurt my mom and there is no way she would accept.
She said that would be my mom’s choice. I said to just invite him and let him sit in his corner. He makes my mom really happy. My wife refused, so I pointed out that my mom has always included her in everything despite maybe not wanting to.
when my wife asked what that meant I pointed out my mom is nice enough to her but they really aren’t each other’s type of people and she would probably not interact with her if she wasn’t my wife.
My wife got annoyed and said that was different.
She thinks I’m being a jerk for having a ******** attitude when it comes to something this important to her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s Thanksgiving, not your wife’s wedding (where the plates are,$200 or more a head and the guest list is closely curated, it’s Thanksgiving where getting together with your strange family members is part of the fun.
I would ask your wife, why for her very first Thanksgiving does she want to start off by creating a family war? The job of a hostess is to invite the family (as long as the invitees haven’t done something truly heinous) and serve good food in generous portions, with enough variety to be inclusive to all.
A good hostess also provides options for entertainment, (games, football on the TV, maybe a streamed movie) for everyone to enjoy as a family. These are the rules for the hosts, making it possible for everyone to have a good time.
If she can’t do that because she is ‘uncomfortable’ she can’t host Thanksgiving this year, because she’s not ready.” PerkyLurkey
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, but hear me out. Your wife said that he makes her uncomfortable and that’s what should take priority. If I was uncomfortable around a person enough that I don’t want them in my home, my husband would respect that. Your wife should come first. You don’t know if there’s something deeper going on.
Maybe talk with your wife to see if something else about him bothers her.
Also, total jerk move telling your wife that your mom doesn’t always want to invite her. I would be so self-conscious that I wouldn’t be able to be around her again.
Hopefully, your wife is more understanding and can look past that, but don’t be surprised if pushing this and finding that out leads to some major problems in your future.” PressureIsTooMuch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Part of hosting holidays is having people over that you would otherwise not invite.
I get the appeal of hosting, but not at the expense of family members. It sounds like she is using hosting as an excuse to customize her holiday, and that is not fair. Until recently, she was the girl invited to the holidays. She needs to suck this one up and understand it comes with the territory of hosting.
She is literally asking your mother to choose between spending the holiday with her family or her partner. That is not fair to anyone and extremely selfish.” jmilred
Another User Comments:
“Reluctant ‘everyone sucks here’. John is a rude and unpleasant person. It is normal not to want to invite rude and unpleasant people into your home so I feel your wife there.
Having said that if you’re going to invite your mum there isn’t much of a choice about inviting him. You are right that your wife needs to just deal with it if she wants to host Thanksgiving (assuming he has never been directly and personally offensive to her).
However, your remark to your wife implying that your mum sometimes grudgingly invites her to things was way out of line and guaranteed to cause trouble. I would feel very hurt by the implication that my MIL only tolerated me and even more offended that I was being compared to someone as rude and unpleasant as John.
I’m assuming your wife is capable of normal polite social interactions, so your mother’s dislike of her is not justified in the same way your wife’s dislike of John is. A very bad and unfair comparison to draw and if there are major problems in your wife’s relationship with your mother going forward that’s on you.” StompyKitten
1. AITJ For Not Giving My Best Friend A Christmas Gift?
“I (23f) turned 23 on the 3rd of November. My parents were never good with my birthday. I was the black sheep of the family and my little brother who was the golden child’s birthday is less than a week away from mine so he usually got the attention.
I haven’t had a birthday present in years since I was a child. So because of this I never want people to feel the way I did on my birthday on theirs.
My best friend we will call Peter knows this. His birthday was a month ago.
He told me wanted to go out for his birthday so we went to dinner and the bar after. I paid for everything and got him a PlayStation video game so spent about $100 for his birthday since that’s what he asked for.
Now I didn’t expect the same thing from him but I wanted to still celebrate since I haven’t really had the chance.
Well, I’m a performer so I had a show on my birthday. We made a plan for him to come to the show then we would get ice cream after. Well, come the day of my birthday he didn’t text me so I was a little sad but went to work and he wasn’t in the audience.
I texted him at Intermission and he said he forgot. He made it for the last 5 minutes. I was hurt but I was willing to move on. I asked about getting ice cream and he said he had plans to pick his partner up from work so he couldn’t.
I was devastated. So I went to Walmart and bought myself a hoodie for my birthday present since I figured I deserved one this year. Well today we were on the phone and I had mentioned that Christmas time is a busy time for work and this is how the interaction went
Peter: so what are you going to get me for Christmas?
Me: oh I thought we weren’t doing presents this year
He was upset and I explained how hurt I was by how he treated me on my birthday. He then called me materialistic that my love language is gift-giving.
I was more hurt because he could have bought me a 10-cent candy or even picked up a rock on the ground and I would have loved it. So am I the jerk for saying that and not wanting to get him a Christmas present now?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
My love language is also giving and receiving gifts. I made a joke about loving rocks and my SO picked up a rock when I wasn’t looking and gifted it to me. It has a place of honor in my home.
He’s also done that with flowers and I’ve dried them out and kept them.
It’s not about the monetary value. It’s about the thought. He put 0 thought into your gift. Even if he really couldn’t stay for ice cream for your birthday, he could have said ‘shoot I can’t make it tonight, I’m so sorry.
Can we do it tomorrow instead?’ But he didn’t because he’s the jerk. You deserve better friends.
The only thing I will say is this: next time someone does something that hurts your feelings, don’t just bury it. Talk to them about it.
You’ll feel a lot better doing so. And it’s also a really good litmus test for whether you should keep the relationship or not. If they care about you and validate your feelings and work to find a solution, they’re a keeper.
If they gaslight you or make you feel bad for how you’re feeling, time to drop them and find better humans to spend time with.” abcdcba1232
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – many men aren’t good at remembering dates such as birthdays. Unless you reiterated the birthday plans the day or two before, I can understand that he forgot.
Men can improve with this thing but not always. They also often wait until Christmas eve to shop for Christmas. (Again not every man but after working retail, I can’t count the number of frantic men I assisted on Christmas eve who were shopping for their wives)
Everyone sucks here because you demanded he buys you a birthday present. He didn’t force you to buy him stuff, you said you love giving. You can’t act like a tantruming toddler who didn’t get the chocolate at the checkout counter. Now, if he does get you something, it’ll be laden with guilt and you’ll both feel bad.” aeryn97
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Why does Peter assume he’s getting a Christmas present, anyway?
Maybe cause you spent $100 on his birthday. You’re right to be hurt by how he treated you on your birthday. Granted, he could have just forgotten. That happens. That’s trashy.
But I think it’s equally trashy of a person to assume that they’re getting a gift. He’s not your kid, your parent, or your spouse. His love language is gift-giving??? You aren’t even his SO, that’s not your responsibility. And what if your love language is gift-giving, too?
(Looks like it’s Quality Time but I’m not Gary Chapman) If it was, then it looks like bestie blew it.
Happy belated birthday, OP. I understand that birthdays are important. I’m sorry yours was not so great this year. I hope next year is way better!” InterestingMethod722
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – Even though he hurt your feelings by forgetting about your performance, I assume it was a genuine mistake – i.e. he didn’t just decide to not go. He could/should have done something, later on, to make up for missing your bday though.
What you are doing is punitive. You are deliberately deciding not to get him a present just to hurt his feelings.
What he did to you was wrong, but I think forgivable. What you are doing is I think a little worse. Since you are intentionally hurting his feelings.
I also have to say, it seems strange to me that anyone would ask someone else what they are going to get them for Christmas. Isn’t it sort of supposed to be a surprise?” merkk
Please know that you deserve more.
