People Press Us To State Our Judgment Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
18. AITJ For Talking About My Brother-In-Law's Deadbeat Dad?
“I (27M) have a son, Riley (5M) with my soon-to-be ex-wife, Maria (29F).
Maria and I are getting a divorce for a few reasons, one reason being that she had an affair twice, and the second being that she was abusive and neglectful to Riley while I was at work.
The first time I caught her with a man, I forgave her for the sake of our son. The second time is when I found out about the neglect so I decided to divorce her and sue for full custody.
However, there’s a pretty massive chance Riley isn’t mine biologically.
When Maria and I separated, she admitted to me that she was having an affair with two men when Riley was conceived and she only stayed with me because she didn’t believe in pregnancy termination and she knew I’d step up. I don’t care about who Riley’s biological father is because I’ve been his dad for the past five years and everything I’ve achieved is because of him.
I’m pretty successful now but when Riley was conceived, I was a total loser. I sorted myself out and committed to my goals to be a good dad for him so there’s no way I’m giving him up. However, I’ve been told to get a paternity test just to be sure and so I can obtain an accurate medical history for him so that’s what I’m doing.
We’ve sent the test off, and now we’re waiting.
Naturally, I’ve been extremely anxious about the results. I’m finding myself comparing photos of myself and family members as children with Riley and my anxiety had manifested itself in impulse spending, mainly on my son. I’ve remodeled his bedroom and bought him a new bike and a few other things.
I got the bike delivered to my parents’ house because I was at work and when I went to pick it up, my mom asked me to stay for dinner so I did. My dad was opening up the bike’s box with Riley in the other room and my BIL who was over with my sister and their kids asked who had bought it.
I said it was me, and he said ‘I don’t know why you’re spending so much on this kid that might not even be yours.’ Riley barely speaks English (his mother is Latina, and he is speech delayed) so he didn’t understand, but everyone else was shocked. I immediately told him to shut up, but he kept going.
He said I should’ve sent Riley to live with his mom’s parents until I got the results back and started saying stuff like Riley didn’t even look like me. He said, and I quote, ‘that witch (his mother) fooled you twice and she had you raising her brat that wasn’t yours, you’re a coward, man’.
His biological father abandoned him when he was a kid, so I replied, ‘Your biological father didn’t even stay to raise you, you’re the last person who should be talking about this’. That triggered a ma*sive argument, and BIL and my sister ended up leaving.
My sister called me a ma*sive jerk and she’s demanding that I apologize to her husband because apparently, he’s sensitive about his dad. My mom says I was right to bring it up because he was out of line but my dad says I should’ve been the bigger person.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I get that this is a sensitive issue for him, and I can see why. But I think people get this wrong. If you liked to randomly out-of-the-blue pick at the fact your BIL’s dad left, then you would be the jerk.
Blah blah blah snowflake’s feelings safe spaces blah blah, but there’s a certain point where people are just an a*s and try to flip the script, so they don’t have to be held accountable for the fact they are an insufferable person.
But I feel like people sometimes think that since it’s a jerk move in some cases to ‘go there’ with people’s insecurities means it’s a jerk move 100% of the time.
The fact you have trauma does not give you a free pa*s to treat people however you wish, and this is coming from a social worker. If you put the responsibility for your feelings and emotional well-being on others, you’re in for a rough go.
Your BIL needs to go to therapy to process his feelings of rejection, and anyone who supports him, in this case, needs to stop enabling him. And that’s my two cents.” Scary-Baby15
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. It’s your choice alone to see Riley as your son.
A therapist would probably advise you that a spending spree is not the right way to parent a child or handle your anxiety but if BIL wants to advise you otherwise, he should do it privately and not in front of children. You chose to clap back instead of shutting him down and admittedly got into a massive argument, again in front of multiple kids.
You don’t share details but I can’t imagine the politeness escalated after this. Additionally, you insulted BIL for something outside his control (abandonment by his biological father). If you turn out not to be Riley’s biological father, how would you feel if someone taunted Riley with that same line in adulthood?” no_good_namez
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your BIL brought up the situation and you replied.
You love Riley and he is your son. Biology is not that important in this scenario in my opinion.
Not only do you love Riley, but he is also your inspiration to work hard and achieve… so you can be a good provider.
This seems like a win for everyone.
I, admittedly an idealist, wish you hadn’t requested a DNA test only because it might weaken your case in court when you request full custody.
Your BIL is a HUGE jerk. Sooo, BIL is a pot calling the kettle black.
I imagine he is jealous of your situation, meaning that you are giving time, attention, money, and affection to your son. He didn’t get any of that from his biological father.
That is all sad, but it does not give BIL the right to criticize you or anyone else.
Your life, and Riley’s, is yours. You are NOT responsible for your sister and your BIL. Life is often very hard; do the best you can with people that make your life better.” Huge_Industry_1259
17. AITJ For Saying My Mom Took My Inheritance?
“My dad passed away when I was 2 and my mom raised me as a single mom with a series of men and eventually a new husband.
She has always been obsessed with money and nowadays lives off of her half of my dad’s inheritance, which she invested in real estate. With my half of the inheritance, she bought a house and an apartment (she administered my estate since I was a minor).
We lived in the house, her husband, she, and I, and she rented the apartment to pay for my private school. Meanwhile, I’m not sure what she did with her half, but I know she bought an apartment that she also rented out.
For years it was suggested to me by relatives that my mother and her husband lived rent-free in my house (the one she bought with my half of the inheritance) for years and years when she should have rented my house and saved that money for me until I came of age.
My mother told me that since I was also living in that house, she owed me nothing and that that house was better spent on me growing up in a nice house. I also told her that she should have paid for my school herself instead of paying it with the rent from the apartment that belonged to me, but she said there was nothing wrong with using my half of the inheritance to pay for my education and that sounds reasonable.
I know being a single mom was not easy for her. She only remarried en I was 11. By saying all this, I basically suggested that she robbed me.
Am I the jerk for saying that my mom and her husband owe me money for all the years that the three of us lived together in the house that I inherited from my dad?
EDIT: Both properties were given to me on my 18th birthday. I continued to live with them in the house until I was 21. When I moved out, my mom and her husband also moved out so I could rent out the house and have an income from that rent.
EDIT 2: It seems like I have some apologizing to do.
EDIT 3: Just to be clear as to what the issue was: we both had an inheritance. She bought us both properties with our respective halves of that inheritance. The 3 of us (mom, stepdad, and me) lived in mine while she rented out hers.
I said we should have all lived in hers while renting out mine and saving that rent money for when I was an adult. I don’t think this means I’m right, I just want us all to be on the same page.
As for my relatives: it wasn’t my father’s family.
I lost touch with them after my father passed away. It was my grandmother on my mother’s side. She helped raise me, but she and my mom got on terribly because of their own crap. I would spend weekdays at my mom’s and weekends at my grandma’s.
Grandma suggested my stepdad was living rent-free in the house that belonged to me and got a new car/improved his life at my expense. I had a therapist that agreed. As for my therapist, she also said my gender was a phase, so I don’t trust her judgment anymore.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You sound just as obsessed with money as you say your mom is. You have multiple properties you inherited, and the income from those paid for your schooling instead of it coming out of your mom’s wallet.
Yes, I agree your mom and step-dad should have paid a portion of ‘rent’ since they also lived there, but you sound like you are doing just fine financially, just being greedy and wishing you had more financial assets.
If you really are so upset by this and want to end your relationship with your mom, get a lawyer to look into it.
You have a whole lot more than the average person financially. I don’t think too many people feel bad for you on this matter.” ReadingSad3238
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She invested your money well and used both her money and the proceeds from your investments to pay for your schooling and support. You had a stable childhood where your needs and also your wants were covered. You received your properties when you were legally able to, and your assertion that your mother owes you back rent is preposterous.
You sound ungrateful and very disrespectful of your mother, who clearly was a great custodian of both you and your inheritance. You should be ashamed of yourself for being so greedy. Your dad was right to entrust her to manage the inheritance. He had a good judgment that you lack.” ghostforest
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your mother raised you essentially as a single parent. She used the inheritance to you to provide you with a home to grow in (that you now own and rent out, hello passive income) and a private education (also paid for by the rent on an apartment you own).
Yet you’re upset because your mother generated money off an appreciating asset she invested in your name – almost certainly as the legal account custodian – to pay for your expenses rather than paying for them herself? Your relatives sound toxic.
You also seem selfish (or perhaps naive) to the fact that your mother should have assumed sole financial responsibility for you when your father passed. Spoiler alert- if they divorced, she would have received child support to pay for the expenses you incurred and that would net zero monetary value today.
If it helps, think of this situation as your father paying for your share of expenses from his money (which it was).” helpmeout213
16. AITJ For Saying Medical School Is Easier Than Vet School?
“I (24 f) am currently studying to be a vet, I originally wanted to become a doctor, but animals are my calling. I’ll admit it’s a lot harder than medical school for me since I have to work with more than one species of animal.
Recently I went out with my friends as we hadn’t seen each other in a while, the topic of our studies came up, and one of my friends who is currently in medical school said they wish their classes were as easy as mine because their classes and work were so hard and that maybe he should just be a vet since it has to be easier than his current studies.
I told him it’s not easy, it’s hard, and he only has to learn about humans I have to learn about a multitude of animal species due to how many types of pets people own or animals they have for work (there is a lot of farmland where I live) that I’m doing twice the work for half the pay and recognition that a doctor gets.
He would make more than me in the future and in my eyes he has it easier because once he gets through the hardships of med school, he has both the advantage of being a doctor and his family who are mostly all in the medical field.
Things got awkward after that, and the hang-out was cut short. Later that night, my friend texted me about how I needed to apologize for demeaning his work and how I’m just jealous that he was going to be rich and I’m going to be breaking my back my whole life
I told him if money is all that makes him happy, he’s the one who isn’t happy with his job choice, he recently posted a passive-aggressive rant on social media, and our friends are divided, AITJ for saying Med school is easy compared to being a vet?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But medical school is harder. There is a reason you didn’t get in and you got into vet school. Med school is much more competitive.
I’m going with NTJ because your friend started the comparison, and your friend was being a jerk in that situation.
But don’t lie to yourself. Even your argument doesn’t make sense. Being a medical doctor is so hard and so complicated that you actually can’t have general knowledge of humans. That is why there is a specialization for every system.
If being a vet was so much harder, you would have every vet being specialized in different animals as a standard.
Yes, you take care of more different animals, but humans are much more complicated, and the risk is much higher. If you accidentally kill a pet, that sucks, but I can get over it, you kill my child accidentally, I probably won’t get over it.
Either way, both are hard, and your friend was being a jerk. Don’t stoop to their level.” Scared_Sympathy_3215
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
It’s probably mostly a consequence of the ages of the people involved, but you both need to stop this competitive who has it harder stuff.
‘I’m doing twice the work for half the pay and recognition that a doctor gets.’
This was a particularly trashy comment from you; neither of you should be doing this for the recognition. Also, in my country, there’s definitely a lot of criticism of everyone involved in healthcare.
Nothing’s ever good enough, and the government is constantly trying to reduce its budget and costs while trying to sell things off under the guise of improving things. I don’t see vets having the same level of public shaming and criticism.
In my country (aware you are probably elsewhere), the wage for a junior doctor, when you look at all the hours worked, isn’t actually all that high per hour and certainly not reflective of the pressure and skill needed. Vets have much more control over their pricing (again, in my country), hours of work, etc.
‘I told him if money is all that makes him happy, he’s the one who isn’t happy with his job choice.’
Another trashy comment for you. It doesn’t sound like you had enough of a conversation in any depth to actually come to this conclusion.
Do you really think most people joining the medical field, especially those with relatives already working, are just doing it for the money? You don’t sound like you want to really understand his point of view, and you’ve most likely pushed them so far away from you then they don’t even want to hear yours.
Grow up a bit, realize that every job can be hard, and stop this stupid competitive attitude.” wildfellsprings
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your friend started the discussion by comparing your studies and treating yours as easier than his. I understand that many times people get absorbed into thinking that the grass is greener on the other side, but what he said was still tactless and rude.
It also seems to me that you explained your reasons for disagreeing very calmly, so throwing a huge fit over it and accusing you of being jealous of him is incredibly childish. Not to mention, in the beginning, he was talking about switching to being a vet because it’s ‘easier,’ but once you disagree, he starts insulting and demeaning your chosen profession.
Where’s the sense in that?” No_you_may_not_read
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Veterinarians are some of the most underappreciated people out there. I’m sure course loads are probably comparable. But, overall, being a vet is a much harder experience. You have to work on more living things that have varying anatomy.
You have to work with patients who can’t talk. You will have to experience owners who will opt to put their animals down or surrender them because of riches or age, or any number of things. It is such a necessary profession that people take for granted. For that, he’s a jerk because he seems to think he’s superior to you.
But, comparing things in the first place is a trashy thing to do in general.” ThatsATallGlassOfNo
15. AITJ For Not Buying "Real" Shoes?
“So my niece Carmen had her 11th birthday last week. A few months ago, she texted me that she would like a pair of Nikes, which were around $150, for her birthday.
I budgeted $150 for it.
3 weeks ago, she called me and asked, instead of the Nikes, can I split her gift so that she and her neighborhood friend Conan, 12, can both have something. Carmen and Conan share a birthday and are best friends. Apparently, Conan’s mother told him ahead of time she probably would not be able to get him a birthday present this year due to having to prioritize car repairs, so Carmen wanted to share her gift so he wouldn’t not have anything on his birthday.
I asked her if she is sure, and she said yes. I asked what she would like, and she said she and Conan really want some crocs. Apparently, crocs and charms are all the rage in their school nowadays. Got sizes, fav colors, and whatnot.
So, I got to work. I was able to get 2 pairs of crocs, 2 pairs of croc flip flops, and 2 packs of anime croc charms, all for under $120, thanks to stacked coupons and sales. I even threw in some anime hoodies, and only went over budget by $7, which is not bad.
I should note that my sister, Carmen’s mother, is low-income, and they live in low-income housing. My gift is usually the ‘big ticket item’ and my sister always gets something much smaller. That being said, I also don’t make a lot of money.
So, I didn’t want to ‘just’ get some crocs, I wanted to stretch that $150 as far as it would go.
Their birthday comes and I gift them to them and they are ECSTATIC. Super happy, spent like 45mins talking about all the different charms and the characters from shows like Naruto, Demon Slayer, Juicy Kaisen, and some stuff.
I happily listened while they chatted and talked, and then we had takeout that I ordered and cupcakes prepared by Conan’s mom, and watched anime all day. It also turned out that Conan’s mom did manage to get both kids something small after all, that Conan picked out for both of them.
They both said it was the best birthday ever. Conan’s mother took me aside privately and profusely thanks me and says she’ll pay me back as soon as she can. I tell her no need, because this was a gift, from Carmen to Conan.
Not from me. I asked her to just be good to my niece when she comes around. She asked if she can thank me by cooking dinner, so I’ll be coming over for dinner sometime.
Later that day, my sister sees the gift and is upset.
She apparently had planned for me to buy Carmen the Nikes as her school shoes, and is upset with me because crocs aren’t ‘real shoes’. I asked if they are not allowed to wear crocs to school, and she said they are. So, I said, she can just wear them to school, it doesn’t seem to be a big deal to me.
The kids are happy and had a great birthday. That’s all that should be important. She absolutely disagrees and is still upset with me days later.
AITJ?
Edit 2: My sister is a good mom. But sometimes good people can also be jerks. I don’t know what’s going on with her, but I will just chalk it up to stress and let it go.
I am probably gonna just buy Carmen a reasonable pair of shoes for Christmas(not as her main gift of course). We live in the US South, so we don’t really have to worry about snow.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are great, and your niece is great!
What lovely people all around, and I’m sorry that your sister diminished what a great thing you did, and her daughter did as well.
Now, you say your sister is low income, so I can appreciate that at the moment, she was upset, not because she is ungrateful, but because she is struggling.
It doesn’t mean you should apologize or you did anything wrong, but I point it out to just say, she had a moment, and give her some grace if and when she gets her head out of her butt.
I grew up low-income and I witnessed this.
My grandparents would get us a pricey but useless gift when my parents ‘needed’ them to get me something useful and felt frustrated by their own limitations.
You did a great thing and next holiday, check in with your sister and make sure you are getting a present that makes your niece happy (most important) but also takes some pressure off your sister.
Sounds like you already do that though, so just make sure you do it again next time.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think your sister has ZERO reasons to be angry with you. You have done so much, and she’s still finding reasons to be angry because you are not buying high-dollar shoes for her own child?
If money is that tight, shouldn’t your sister have asked for lower-cost shoes and perhaps a coat or clothing? Yet your sister just expected you to pay $150 for one pair of shoes?
You paid for the birthday food. I do understand what low income entails (been there, done that, had to sell plasma, etc, for food for my kids and I was $14 over the limit for low-income housing, sigh), but your sister sounds a bit… expectant?
anticipatory? entitled?… I don’t want to bad-mouth anyone but your sister has NO reason to be angry at you for being such an awesome relative.
Maybe the school has a program for clothing/shoes for students? No matter how upset your sister is, she had ZERO right to take it out on you; you have been very generous, it seems. The term ‘look a gift horse in the mouth’ comes to mind, but then again, that is just me.” NCKALA
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all, by any stretch. I think you were just lacking some context – Context which is ultimately not your responsibility.
I can see your sisters’ panic, but I def do not agree that it was right of her to take it out on you.
Sneakers are required for gym class, etc., and can obviously be expensive. I’m sure it was a relief to her to think that you’d be taking care of a necessary item so that she could focus her attention on other important purchases. That being said, ensuring that her child has appropriate footwear for the weather, classes, etc is a parent’s job.
If it were me, I’d probably acknowledge her negative reaction by saying that I hadn’t considered that aspect and run future gifts by her for approval. While your niece is a beautiful, kind-hearted child, and you are a generous aunt/uncle, Carmen’s NEEDS do come first, and the other child, while his situation is equally as important as Carmen’s, really is not your responsibility.
It was a beautiful gesture, and I really do love it. It was just not practical.” Me_ooww
14. AITJ For Not Funding My Husband's Vacation?
“I (F/31) had surgery that cost 3k a year ago. It was paid for by the joint account my husband and I had.
It took 6 months to recover. Now I’ve been back to work for a few months. My husband has been planning a vacation to a sports resort with his friends in Dec.
He told me about how much it costs (around 5k) and asked me to pay for it from my personal account. I was in shock I asked why should I pay and he brought up how much he paid for my surgery and how the money was supposed to go toward vacation savings.
I was even more shocked I said the surgery was an emergency unlike the vacation but he insisted the ‘outcome’ was the same. I refused and told him it was unfair and unreasonable and reminded him we both paid for the surgery, not just him.
He got irritated and started throwing around the words ‘manipulation’ & ‘thief’. I refused to talk about it anymore. Now he’s calling me names from selfish to ungrateful then got his friends to back him up saying that I’m ‘obligated’ to help him out just like he helped me out before.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s weird that he considers the money in the joint account as ‘his’ money. Also, medical emergencies are not the same as vacations.
This is a vacation he’s taking without you, so that should come from his personal account. It’s also much more expensive than your surgery.
If he wants to be an ***, put back half the cost of your surgery into the joint account and let him know that any future medical needs he has should come from his personal account. Since he sees the joint account as his money, stop contributing to it unless it’s for bills.” dominiqlane
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – ***uming that it was a medical necessity (not cosmetic) since it was an emergency surgery, and you are right an emergency surgery and a vacation is not the same thing. If I were you I give him half of the 3k because it came from a joint account and we will ***ume half was yours and half was his.
So give him his half of 1.5K (why would you give him 5k if the surgery was only 3k anyway, or is he counting the time off work that you had?) and tell him from here forth you would like separate finances so you aren’t in a situation of being called a thief by a jerk husband for having emergency surgery.” *************
Another User Comments:
“If you’re contributing equally to the joint account, perhaps the easiest way out of this argument is to cut him a check for $1.5k and call it even. That’s the half of your surgery he paid for, so that’s all you ‘owe’.
But I would be re-evaluating this relationship. An emergency surgery that takes you out of the workforce is something you should be able to rely on your partner to get through. It’s part of being married. If he’s not up to that, then you don’t have the partnership you likely thought you had, and you get to decide if that non-partnership is worth continuing.
Couples counseling might help you explore this.
I’m guessing that your husband hasn’t saved up enough money to go on this trip alone, and is now manipulating you instead of accepting that sometimes we don’t get what we want. Because how else does $1.5k equate to $5k after six months of interest?
I mean, maybe he’s taking into account his wife’s lost wages during that time, but that alone is a jerk move, never mind the funny math!
NTJ.” Cryptographer_Alone
13. AITJ For Wanting To Get Married At My Dad's Farm?
“My fiance (30M) and I (26F) recently got engaged. We discussed a few things about the wedding and I told my fiance that I’d like to have the wedding on my dad’s farm.
Now to give context about the farm, this was my dad’s farm where we grew up (mother abandoned us) we didn’t have much and dad struggled to keep us afloat throughout the years. He had many chances to sell the farm but he refused and said that it was the only thing he had when he had nothing else.
He passed away 5 years ago. He couldn’t get a chance to attend my wedding but I thought that since his spiritual presence on the farm is strong then I could have the wedding there. This way I’m including him in my milestone and having him be there to support me spiritually.
My fiance laughed at this ‘illogical thinking’ of mine and said that I better just pay for a venue but I can not afford it. He didn’t believe that I and my family can not afford a venue and then, he and his mom started complaining about what the guests will say about the chosen place for the wedding, how they’ll basically ‘laugh,’ and how the guests themselves are of high class and inviting them to the farm will make them (fiance & family) look small.
I pointed out the sentimentality aspect but my fiance lashed out at me saying that I was being a dictator and that the farm represents 0 sentimentalities to him and his family. We started arguing and he suggested I get a loan or something and forget the whole farm idea even after I explained how we could make the place look elegant with lighting and decorations, but he was having non of it.
His mom pulled me aside yesterday and URGED me to let go of this ‘horrible idea’ and actually start figuring out a way to pay for a DECENT venue. I stopped speaking to her despite her pressuring me via hourly phone calls. my fiance is giving me the silent treatment at the moment.
Context: Their problem is with the state of the farm. but I suggested doing some decorations to make it more appealing. Where I live, the bride and her parents are expected to handle the cost of the wedding.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you guys need to discuss some stuff, soon.
He’s immediately dismissed a very natural desire to marry in a place that is meaningful to you and part of that dismissal is about wanting to not be perceived as small.
Maybe you guys share similar values on that but your post reads like you don’t really care about that stuff, the fact that he does points to some incompatibility.
Also, I know paying for weddings is a traditionally bride-side thing but in my opinion, it’s an absurd tradition, you guys should be paying equally, and the fact that he actually wants you to go into debt to pay for this? That idea is absurd to me, will your finances be shared when you marry?
Ultimately, you’re both allowed to want what you want but you both need to work on communication and how you process reasonable requests from the other (more so him than you, to be honest).” physioworld
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for wanting to have your wedding on the farm, it is your wedding and you can ask for whatever you want, also it makes sense since it has sentimental value to you.
But you will be a jerk if you force your fiance to marry on the farm when he clearly doesn’t want to do it. Since the wedding belongs to both of you, you should decide together and agree on something.
However, your fiance and his mother are huge jerks for making fun of your idea and caring more about what the guests will think than about your wishes and happiness as a bride.
Are you sure you want to marry him? Both he and his mother sound horrible. Also, since you are getting married why do you have to pay for the wedding separately? It makes no sense. Your loans are his loans now.” selenangel
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think there are valid concerns about using a farm as a venue. Mainly, those concerns revolve around contingency plans for inclement weather, the ability to accommodate all guests, and (if it is a working farm) the pleasantness of the environment.
But these are all practical considerations that can be addressed during wedding planning.
As far as the decision itself, I see nothing wrong with using the farm as a venue, per se, and I think the connection to your father is very sweet.
But your fiance and his family are not sweet. If they raised the practical concerns above, that would absolutely be valid.
But their obsession with how the wedding appears to guests and their dismissive attitude toward your attachment to the farm are concerning.
On top of that, you should be SERIOUSLY concerned that they are insisting on an expensive venue and pushing the expense for it on you, to the point of insisting you take out a large loan(!?) to accommodate their desires.
Suggest you rethink joining this family. They don’t seem to respect you and they are trying to bulldoze you.” VerySurlyPerson
12. AITJ For Picking My Kids Up?
“My ex has been helping a friend with his house that was just destroyed in hurricane Ian. We’re split and do 50/50. The kids started going back to school Tuesday, and they missed the day because she wanted to keep helping and couldn’t take a few hours out of her day to pick the kids up and drop them off at school.
They were going to do the same thing which is staying at their aunt’s because her friend’s situation is the priority it seems. She’s dropped the kids off elsewhere since the day she started helping her friend, which has been a solid 4 or 5 days.
I apparently overstepped and went to the kid’s aunt’s house and picked them up so they could go to school today instead of missing it. Her argument is that it was her day and she should be able to decide what they’re doing. I am fine with one day for some things but two days for literally no good reason doesn’t work for me.
I understand but also… school… so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are a responsible parent, she isn’t. Children should be her first priority. I understand she wanted to help, but that doesn’t mean she can forget about her other obligations. She also could have asked their aunt to take them to school.
Or, she could ask you to switch/take them to school and back, whatever, she had many options.
If I were you, I would go and try to get full custody, if you want that of course, and if you are able to have them all the time.” Ihavenoidea99999922
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You may have had good intentions, per the story, but you violated a child custody agreement. Seeking legal advice before taking this action was more appropriate or simply talking to your baby momma and offering to take the kids while she was busy doing something besides parenting.
You’ve done nothing but open yourself up for legal hassles. This situation is difficult and you made it worse. It doesn’t matter that your Ex was prioritizing something other than the kids. You missed a good opportunity to point that out to the authorities and to show you were willing to work with her on this.” TruckOk7081
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, although probably more kindly to your ex than a lot of people. I lived through a natural disaster and even after I was able to somewhat recover the importance and desire to help when someone has lost everything can be so huge.
It feels like the world has ended and nothing could be more important. (I’m not saying that is even rational. I’m trying to provide context for what your ex may be feeling. It is an almost indescribable sense of isolation and need.) That being said, you have to be able to pull yourself out of that headspace and constantly reassess priorities and she hasn’t.
Letting the children miss school was the wrong choice. I just don’t think she should be crucified for it.” SoloPiName
11. AITJ For Refusing To Spend Time With My Sister And Her Siblings?
“My sister and I are both adopted from different bio families. My sister reconnected with her birth mom and her birth mom’s family almost two years ago.
She has half-siblings who are in their late teens now. We’re both in our 20s.
My sister has loved getting to know her bio family and has developed a really close relationship with her bio siblings. She’s tried to have us all get along and be siblings, but I hate spending time with them.
They only want to know her, ignore me, or change the topic when I try to start something, and then I feel left out. They take over the conversation. They want to talk about their bio family, they’ll often convince her to visit their grandparents, and I’m a spare part.
My sister kinda tries. But she’s so wrapped up in these new relationships… and it just makes me feel very lonely and out of place.
I told her I thought it would be better for her to spend time with them without me and for us to have our time without them.
She said we still do that (we don’t), but she wants us all to be close. I told her it’s not the same relationship between her and them and them and me, which it’s not, they’re related through her birth mom, and I’m not related to them in any way.
She told me it was silly.
After that, she told me she had talked to them, and they really don’t mind me being with them. She told me it’s important to her.
I asked her why we can’t just do our own thing, and she said again that we do, but that this is different.
We ended up going around in circles, and I told her I won’t be spending time with her and them anymore and that the two of us should do something sometime. She was upset and asked me why I was so jealous and why couldn’t I be happy for her and try to be close to her family because it means a lot to her.
I told her I’m tired of being on the outside looking in.
Things are tense. She thinks I’m being childish. Our parents are sad that this is where our relationship has gone.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
‘They don’t mind that you’re there’ is a very far cry from the ‘being close’ that she demands.
You don’t mind that they are there, either. But somehow, not being close is your fault in her mind, not theirs. Why is it your job to be brought along to what she eats to do with them and never theirs to be brought along to things she wants to do with you?
I think she is wrapped up in a new shiny toy! Feelings and honestly not noticing the difference. Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do at this point – you have tried to point out the difference, that they are only just tolerating you at her request, and you feel like a third wheel because you are shut out of conversations that ‘don’t apply since you are not family,’ and that you don’t have time with her without them now – and she won’t listen.
I wonder if she’s unconsciously taking you on to her bio family out of guilt or as a comfort zone buffer…?
So for now, turn to your own friends, events, and hobbies for fulfillment, and hopefully some of the Oo! New! Shiny! will wear off with time, so that she looks to spend more time with you instead of taking you on to her bio family as an afterthought.” quats5
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Your sister wants you to be part of her new extended family. That’s great! She doesn’t know how to manage the lack of enthusiasm from her new extended family – she can’t really demand that they want to have a relationship with you more than being polite.
Your sister’s new bio family is noticeably more excited about their new bio member than you. That’s understandable, if sad. I’m sorry they don’t see past genetics. That said, they are apparently polite and accommodating, so they aren’t jerks – they’re just not invested.
You don’t want to be the third (or ninth, or whatever number) wheel in this new family.
You care about your sister, and you want her to be happy, but it’s draining to be around people who are indifferent (yet polite) to your presence. It’s not rude not to want to run yourself through the emotional wringer.
They don’t want to actively exclude you because they know that would upset your sister, who they do care about – but they don’t seem to understand that ‘sure, bring your sibling if you want’ isn’t actually very welcoming.
There’s nothing wrong with no longer wanting to attend. Your sister needs to make peace with the fact that her happily-ever-after scenario where everyone is one big happy bonus family just isn’t realistic.” SnarkyBeanBroth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
There are a couple of reasons why your sister might always want to include you.
It’s possible that she is a little nervous being around all of these other people who know each other so well, and she wants you there because you and her know each other like these people know each other.
It’s also possible that she feels joy in having found her bio-family.
She knows you haven’t found your bio-family, and she wants to share this with you.
However, I think it’s most likely that your sister suffers from GSF4, the belief that friendship is transitive.
‘GSF4 is the belief that any two of your friends ought to be friends with each other, and if they’re not, something is Very Wrong.’
Your sister is important to her bio-family, both siblings and grandparents, in part because of their b***d relationship. You do not share that relationship. You will not be as important to them, even if you become friends.
The problem is you, and these newfound relatives are both important to your sister, but you and your bio-family aren’t important to each other.
Your sister sees you, herself, and your bio-family as a triangle when really, you’re a straight line with her in the middle.
I suggest that you talk to your sister about this. If she’s trying to be generous and share her bio-family with you, that’s theoretically admirable, but it isn’t helping you, and they’re not interested. Express gratitude, but decline to participate.
if she wants you there because you help her feel more comfortable, and I’m not sure what would help. Maybe you could go to a few events, maybe she could talk with a therapist, maybe even suggest family therapy with a sibling or two that she feels very close to.
Perhaps she could develop that type of supportive relationship with someone already in that group.
Just because you love her and they love her doesn’t mean you and they will love each other. If that’s the case, I would suggest doing most of their events with her and them alone, and your coming along every now and then, at about the same rate that she would invite a friend to participate.
The thing is, well you will never be their family, it might be that over time you might develop a friendship with one or two of them outside of group activities. However, if she keeps forcing you on them, that will never happen. They will grow to resent you, and you will feel very uncomfortable.” TychaBrahe
10. AITJ For Telling My Partner To Stop Complaining?
“My partner has some injuries, for example, her leg and back are ruined. She refuses to go see a doctor, which means that she can’t be as active as she used to be (play sports or go to the gym) and this affects her mood a lot.
She also has severe anxiety and panic attack problems, and she also refuses to see a therapist about those problems. She is convinced that they won’t do anything about her problems. She also complains about the costs, and I and my mother have offered our help financially and she won’t take it.
She complains about those things a couple of times a week. Last night I told her ‘if you are not gonna make the effort to get help or take help from others, why are you complaining to me? I’m not a doctor and I can’t help you with your problems. I can support you but that is all I can do’.
Now she is mad because I told her to stop complaining about those things because she won’t seek help.
There are some more problems but they are not that major to write about.
So, am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She needs help, she’s not getting it, and you cannot help her.
In lieu of setting up appointments for her (which you are not obligated to do), you’re right, if she won’t help herself, she shouldn’t be complaining and dumping on you 24/7 about her issues, regardless of how important or not they are.
It’s a lot of pressure constantly feeling like an endless sounding board for complaints and the glue holding someone’s mental health together.
If you want to make it work, try to set up a boundary with her to keep her from essentially ‘trauma dumping’ on you.
Dump her and move on.” SandBrilliant2675
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You really have a branching path ahead of you – it’s clear that this has been going on for a while and nothing is going to change.
You have three choices: leave, let her be miserable, or help.
If you don’t want to leave, and you want her to get better, you’re going to need to have some wide-reaching conversations with her, where you really try to understand her perspectives and the underlying reasons she refuses to seek help, and how you can support her in that process.
You know it’s about fear of not being believed, but what is that REALLY about? The worst case is that they dismiss her and she is no worse off, so it’s not just that, there’s something deeper going on. See if you can find ways to support her in moving forward effectively, particularly with regard to therapy because a therapist can help her figure out ways to be persistent in getting help from doctors.” keysonthetable
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need to set a hard boundary. Chronic medical problems with me and SO. You not what doesn’t make you better, sitting around complaining. We will joke with each other, but neither complains much unless it’s something unusual for us.
She may have ruined her leg and back, but there are chiropractors, massage therapists, acupuncturists, physical therapists, and different types of other doctors and that doesn’t even include self-help such as stretching, yoga, and exercises (many can be modified). Some people enjoy being the victim and will just sit and complain until their last breath.
Ask her which one she wants to be, the person that puts in the effort to improve her circumstances, or complain until she does. Trust me, you don’t want to be with the second one.” holisarcasm
9. AITJ For Not Giving My Number To My Partner's Dad?
“My partner (28M) and I (27F) have been living together for a few years.
His parents are divorced, and both live more than 4 hours away, so we only see them a couple of times a year.
My partner gets on well with his mom, and so do I. She texts me occasionally on holidays or to check in every few months.
I am completely fine with this, and it doesn’t feel invasive.
On the other hand, my partner and his dad have had a rocky relationship in the past, although it has been better in the last couple of years. I am cordial with his dad but am not close because of this.
My partner’s dad calls him almost every day to check-in. My partner gets annoyed by this and often ignores the calls if we are in the middle of a game or on a walk. He will then get a lot of passive-aggressive text messages from his dad for letting him go to voicemail.
The last couple of times we have visited, his dad has asked for my number so he can contact us in case of emergencies. I have dodged the question because I just know he would spam my phone as he does with my partner when he doesn’t pick up.
However… my partner’s dad found out I text with my partner’s mom and is mad about this. AITJ for still not giving him my number?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but it is your partner’s responsibility to manage his parents. So when his dad asked you for your phone number, your partner should have said, no dad, you have my number.
Also, if your partner doesn’t want or need daily calls from his dad, then he needs to tell his dad to stop calling him daily. Once a week is enough.
When the dad, behaves badly, he needs to experience a consequence. That’s how people learn what behaviors to repeat or avoid.
Your partner is an adult, he needs to be polite and firm with his dad. If his dad behaves badly, then the consequence is an adult timeout for some specified period of time. Your partner needs to stop being afraid of his dad, your partner is an adult, and his dad has no power over him.
If his dad gets mad, his dad will suffer the consequences. Your partner is not 10 yrs old and afraid that he will get sent to bed with no dinner… His dad is always going to push the boundary until your partner politely but firmly sets a boundary with consequences for breaking the boundary.” Buttercup303
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He made the choice to be clingy and annoying and now you are making the choice to avoid that. You are NTJ for refusing to give him the number. He can contact you via your partner’s phone. If he needs to reach you because he’s worried about his son or for some other odd reason, I would recommend asking your parents if he can have one of THEIR numbers.
They can ask you to call him. But really, I wouldn’t even go that far. Make sure you have HIS number, and then just continue with your life. And if he asks why, tell him bluntly that you believe he will overuse it. If he DOES somehow get your number?
Every text you get in the day, return in the middle of the night. And then when you don’t get an answer, send a follow-up two minutes later asking if he got it. Then one asking if he’s alright. And then call him to check…” maroongrad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This shouldn’t involve you but I think your partner should talk to his dad about what to expect for communication as it seems a bit harsh to ignore calls – what if it was an emergency? It sounds like the dad is trying to create a relationship with his son who he doesn’t see often.
This may seem annoying on the receiving end because they both have different ideas as to how often they should be talking or what times of the day. But if your partner doesn’t express this and just ignores calls, then what can be expected?
This still doesn’t excuse the petty messages that went sent to voicemail.” LoveMacAndCheeze
8. AITJ For Letting My Partner Live With Us Rent-Free?
“I (20F) live with three roommates (both 20F), two of which I also lived with last year. We live in an off-campus apartment right off our college campus, which is in the city.
My partner (23M) graduated from the same college last year. Other than occasional music gigs, he doesn’t have a job. I and my partner have been together since high school and are both from a suburb about 30 minutes outside the city. Since all of his gigs are in the city, and he doesn’t want to live with his parents and commute, I with okay with him just living with me, even though it’s technically against our lease.
Since he doesn’t have a job, he can’t pay rent (~700/mo) though he does chip in for utilities.
I and the two roommates that lived together last year are really close. We do almost everything together and spend most of our time at home together.
Our third roommate (20F) just met us in August. She’s nice, clean, and considerate, but she makes zero effort to be friends with us, probably since she has friends and a partner of her own. She’s usually out of the house at his place or her friends’ houses that are in our off-campus neighborhood.
Still, we all get the vibe she doesn’t like us.
This week, I overheard her talking on a call in her room about how she hated that my partner lives with us since he doesn’t pay rent and since he isn’t on the lease and we’re keeping his living situation on the DL, he doesn’t have a house key, so he leaves the door unlocked when he (rarely) leaves.
However, she also hates that he’s there all day—she said he takes up the kitchen for hours and ‘acts weird toward her’ when she has to go in there alone with him. I don’t believe this. She resents having to split rent four ways when there are five people living here and is considering taking it to the landlord, which could get me and him evicted.
I told my partner about this, and he’s livid. We think she’s being vindictive on purpose since she doesn’t like us, but I do feel bad even though my parents pay my rent. My other two roommates love my partner as much as they love me, and the four of us (me, 2 roomies, and my partner) are incredibly close.
I can’t imagine my partner and I being separated since this girl wants to make a big deal out of nothing.
So, am I the jerk for housing my long-term partner when he has no good option?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Girls like you are truly the worst kind of roommates.
It’s beyond inconsiderate to have a 5th person taking up space in a shared apartment that pays no bills. A little something towards utilities is not paying bills, especially when this unemployed person ‘rarely’ leaves the apartment.
Your partner is 23, has a college degree, and hasn’t been capable of finding a single job over the last year… he sounds like a bum.
Who are you to be getting an attitude over an unwanted houseguest after you were eavesdropping on a PRIVATE conversation? And yes, he is unwanted because in roommate situations, if it’s not a unanimous yes, it’s a no.
It sounds like your partner should be paying her portion of utilities because he’s there more than her.
Maybe she acts like she doesn’t like you because you forced her to deal with a mooch that makes her uncomfortable in a place where she pays rent. Obviously, you don’t care because you don’t even pay your own bills, so paying for space and privacy means nothing to you.
Your partner has some nerve in being ‘livid’ when he contributes nothing to anyone. There’s just no reason that anybody living rent-free off of anyone should be talking trash. The least he could do is leave the apartment for the day and go look for a job, so this poor girl can have some peace and enjoy a little bit of the common area she pays for.” ldp1640
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your roommate isn’t making a big deal out of nothing. She is 100% correct. You had NO right or authority to move him in. Especially without discussion & agreement from ALL roommates & the landlord. Your partner has no right to be ‘livid’ because he has ZERO say in the matter.
He is not a tenant. Most women, myself included, would not want to live with a man they don’t know, regardless of whether he is the partner of a roommate, and she probably wouldn’t have agreed to be roommates if she had known you were bringing him you are being very unfair to her.
In your mind, her opinion doesn’t matter since the other roommates don’t have issues.
You should be encouraging your partner to find a job doing anything so he can pay his own way in life. Do you want to always be responsible for him financially?
He can also remain with his parents until he can support himself.
I hope she does contact the landlord because your partner is entitled, and you are not being fair.” Gladtobealive2020
Another User Comments:
“if he stays in a shared apartment, that means that he is a burden to EVERYONE occupying the apartment, not just you.
The kitchen is paid for by all except him, so every stain or dirty dish he leaves in the kitchen is dealt with by everyone paying. Not just you.
What am I saying, even water and electricity consumption? All of your roommates pay for your partner to live for free.
About the roommate, you don’t like now. You listened to a private call she was having, invading her privacy, and you’re saying she’s vindictive? That was a private conversation, so not even an attack on you or your partner. If she was openly attacking you or being passive-aggressive, that would be something else, but now, you are accusing her of venting to someone about an abnormal situation that you are putting her through.
And finally, even if it has been only on rare occasions, leaving the apartment unlocked is crazy dangerous, and if anything happened because of it, you would all be screwed on every level. Insurance wouldn’t pay anything because it was his fault, and the landlord would evict you all because you are hosting a hobo for free against the rules, so basically, your partner is putting the situation of everyone at risk.
YTJ.” Pyrostones
7. AITJ For Looking Up My Son's Grades?
“My son goes to college at the local university where I work at. My wife also worked there for 26 years before retiring in 2018. As a result, he is able to get free tuition, and he really likes the campus.
He lives at home to save funds. Last year he was struggling in the fall and changed his major from Music Education to General/Freshman Studies for now until he figures out what he wants to do (he’s thinking either Journalism or Political Science).
In the second semester, after a slow start, his grades vastly improved, and he had all A’s and B’s by the end of the semester.
This semester, he has started off fine, or so we thought. Yesterday, some of the student workers in my building were talking about midterms, so I went to look up his midterm grades.
I discovered he had an A, 3 B’s, and an F. I asked him why he had an F, and he said because he forgot to turn something in. He was mad that I looked up his grades (my wife had told me I needed to learn not to ‘hound’ him; at his high school, every parent had access to their child’s grades so he couldn’t slack off) and said he has to do this college thing on his own.
I asked him if he would tell me about his F if I didn’t look it up, and he said no because he has to do this college thing on his own because he is 20 years old.
Am I the jerk for looking up his grades?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You are employed at this college so you are familiar with privacy. You aren’t his instructor or counselor, and he’s an adult. What are you doing looking at his grades?
As your son told you, he wants to do college on his own.
He has his own ideas, his own work ethic, and his own life. Your days of supervising and controlling him are done.
If you don’t like how he’s doing in life, you have the right to tell him to move out of your home since you are providing that support.
If you do want to keep a good relationship with him, apologize for invading his privacy. You might try asking how he’s doing in general, like, with life and emotions and other things adults ask each other. Treating him like a responsible adult who may occasionally make a bad decision along with the good ones will do much to ensure you still see your son when he’s working full time and can afford to make it his choice.” MmeHomebody
Another User Comments:
“OP, if you work in higher ed, you know your son has to do this on his own. Create some type of accountability conversation about his grades. While you may not be intending to hound him, that’s definitely the impact. However, your son may or may not realize that it’s important to keep an eye on those grades because of Add/Drop, withdrawal dates, and the potential to not be able to recover the grade within this semester.
Most institutions don’t allow you to take an Incomplete unless you’re passing the class at that time. If he wants full freedom, he needs to understand that you are effectively bankrolling his experience. He’s living at home, his tuition is free, and you’re likely covering the fees that the tuition remission doesn’t cover.
You have a vested interest in his academic performance.
NTJ. But I get why he’s mad. He honestly needs space and freedom to fail on his own. It’s possible he doesn’t feel as confident and independent as some of his peers might because he’s not experiencing the same growth developmentally based on the current circumstances and some other factors.” Night_Owl_26
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Immediately after ‘My son goes to college,’ you should have stopped typing and realized yes, you are the jerk. In this case, it’s even worse because you work there. Are you going to ‘have a chit-chat’ with his teachers so they report back to you whenever he gets less than an A on something?
Those are not your grades, they are his, if he decides to work harder to get them up then that is his decision and his alone, he doesn’t need mommy to check his grades like he’s still in high school (which, from the post, you were very much doing and were told to stop).
If my mom did this I would have a chat with the highest person at the school that I could find and report her for invasion of privacy, I would also expect them to remove any access she has to my or any other students’ grades, maybe even suspension for a brief time so she can reflect on her choices.
YOUR OWN WIFE told you not to look into his grades and ‘hound’ him, which makes you seem like an unbearable helicopter parent.
Think about the kind of relationship you want with your son, because the way things are going now with you invading every aspect of his adult and pre-adult life, I’m surprised you still have a connection at all.” dependabledepression
6. AITJ For Not Expecting The Housekeeper To Do My In-Laws' Chores?
“So my husband (32) and I (32f) have a beautiful daughter (8 months old).
We were fortunate enough to have a live-in housekeeper that can take care of all of the house chores while she stays in her own suite on the other side of the house. We pay her monthly, and she is treated very fairly and professionally.
1 month ago, I had to go back to work after a long maternity leave. My husband also works and is working on his Ph.D., needless to say, we are overwhelmed with time.
We enrolled our baby in the daycare next to my workplace. We had another choice which was keeping our daughter at my in-laws, but my husband’s condition was for our housekeeper to go with our daughter and help my MIL with basic daily house chores, I refused immediately because I know how things go in such cases, MIl will take advantage of having a helper and will ask her to do everything.
Fast forward to two weeks, I witnessed some serious red flags from the daycare, and we had to pull our baby out. My husband and my MIL convinced me to keep our baby at her house until the baby is a toddler and we can enroll her in a high-quality daycare.
I agreed, under one condition, to raise our housekeeper’s salary by 25%, Friday and Saturday, she stays at our place so she can clean here, and she only helps with basic chores at the in-laws. I drop them off at 7:30 am, and I pick them up at 1:00 pm, we come home and have lunch (prepared by MIL as per the deal), the housekeeper cleans the kitchen, and we all nap for a while.
Today, after coming back home, MIL texted me that she sent the housekeeper some clothes for the housekeeper to iron for the father-in-law as ‘homework.’ I told my husband that we will lose our housekeeper this way, and she only agreed with me to work in 2 houses because of our daughter and because I promised her, she wouldn’t do tough house chores there (she mopped their house twice in those 3 days).
My husband and I had a fight about this because I asked him to talk to his mom and tell her not to burden her with a lot of work. AITJ?
Edit: She is a housekeeper and not a nanny. MIL and FIL are the ones taking care of the baby.
The housekeeper goes with the baby because, as per the initial deal, the housekeeper can help MIL with basic daily chores that are directly or indirectly related to the baby. But MIL is letting her deep clean and sent clothes for ironing at our home.
Also, of course, she has a day off (Sunday), and she is well-paid and she lives at our place in her suite, accommodation-free.
Edit 2: I asked the housekeeper to start saying no to tasks that are not within her responsibility, and she said it’s hard for her to do that.
My husband and I had a big fight but then he came to his senses, he knows I’m right but I don’t know what is the issue with sons and their moms. He said first that she is mopping the ground that our baby is crawling on.
Update: Today was the last day of the housekeeper at my in-laws. I found an hourly cleaner who can come on a daily basis to help MIL. I still didn’t tell my MIL of that decision, but the decision is final. Housekeeper told me she is tired of this decision but she was too shy to admit it, my heart hurts because of this.
I’m still not talking to my husband because he sided with his mother even though he knows what’s the right decision to make.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Hire a part-time in-home nanny. Not a live-in. Find an agency that specializes in nannies/babysitters.
Or go to a college with an early childhood education program and ask a guidance counselor or professor if they would recommend any of their responsible students as a caregiver.
Right now, you need to return the ironing work to your MIL unfinished and clearly state to her that it is not the housekeeper’s job while she works for you in MIL’s home.
State that if MIL needs help with ironing, etc she needs to hire her own housekeeper.
Since your husband will not address his mother overstepping her boundaries you must do it.
Finding good trustworthy in-home help is so difficult that protecting a good working relationship is crucial.” ShelbiLee
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for putting your housekeeper through that. You are placing the responsibility on her to say no to a woman she shouldn’t be answering to anyways. You are placing her in a high-stress environment and loaning her out to your in-laws.
This is unacceptable. She didn’t have to go to daycare with your child and that’s what MIL is now new daycare. Whatever justification you try to use doesn’t matter. She works for you, not MIL, and the fact that MIL sends her home with ‘homework’ is, frankly, disgusting.
Find new childcare for your child or stop sending your poor housekeeper into an abusive environment. She is a person, and you are treating her with no respect.” manonaca
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You employ her to work in your house as a housekeeper, I’m glad you seem to have good clear boundaries in your home.
I think you need to empower your housekeeper to be able to say no to MIL. Have a clear 2-way conversation about her changing role and what duties she/you expect while she’s there and when she can say no, and you’ll handle the MIL.
Then talk to MiL about this, and be extremely clear (you might already have done this) about where the housekeeper’s job ends, including the time/days.
I would even make it clear to MiL that this is only continuing while your housekeeper and you are happy with the situation, and if this ends, she won’t be given a notice period.
I would also spend a bit of time looking for good and convenient childcare. You currently have time to find somewhere you’re comfortable without having to rush into anything.
For now, tell the housekeeper to leave the ironing, you’ll deal with the fallout, and make it clear to the housekeeper you’re on her side and she can come to you with any issues.
You don’t want to lose her and really appreciate everything she does for you and your family.” wildfellsprings
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. The only people benefiting from this arrangement are your in-laws. The added stress isn’t benefiting you. The added work and stress aren’t benefiting your housekeeper.
Having someone incapable of doing anything on her own watch your child isn’t benefiting your daughter. It won’t be long before your housekeeper becomes not only a housekeeper for two households but also a nanny. Offer your housekeeper the job of a nanny (in your home), for double her current salary.
Make it clear that she’s not obligated to accept. If she chooses not to, hire a nanny to watch your child. Either way, she should keep the raise she’s been given, just for putting up with this ridiculous arrangement.” crazymamallama
5. AITJ For Refusing To Be A Godmother?
“So, my (f) husband and I were asked by a family member to adopt their baby. She didn’t want anyone to know she was pregnant and that she lived in another state.
We agreed. Went through the process of getting certified to adopt and had a lawyer draw up the paperwork and everything.
We drive out there for the birth, he’s in a hotel. I’m in the hospital for a c-section. Take care of the baby the whole time: diapering, breastfeeding (because I was lactating), etc.
She changed her mind at the last minute. I was totally heartbroken but told her that I respect her decision because every woman that wants to parent their child should be given the opportunity to try.
I stayed in the hospital with her another day so she wouldn’t be alone. But I frequently left the room to cry.
Then the day came for her to tell the social worker her decision. She asked me if my husband and I would be the child’s godparents.
I told her no.
Now everyone in the family knows that she was secretly pregnant and some people think I was too harsh for turning down godmotherhood.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m a mother of two already but if someone asked me to take in their child and I was fully prepared and invested in taking this baby in, I would be heartbroken if that was ripped away from me when she changed her mind.
I would absolutely not be interested in being the godparent as an afterthought because that’s what that is. She has every right to keep the baby but you have every right to gain distance from the situation entirely.
Honestly, I think it’s pretty selfish of her to expect you to godparent a child she had basically begged you to take.
And Now to cast you in a bad light because you turned her down. I’m assuming she’s the one who told the family about you turning down her offer. For someone who kept an entire pregnancy a secret from the family, she was sure quick to air out your business.
Like why not keep that just between you three, she offered, you said no that should’ve been the end of it, no one else needed to be told.
After all, you’ve done to support her, she’s the jerk for that at least.” Accomplished_Bat545
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But the jerk isn’t you or her. It’s your other family members who are pushing this on you. You and your cousin both just went through a lot. You are understandingly heartbroken, imagining having the child and then having the rug swept from underneath you at the last moment.
You haven’t said that your cousin is the one berating you, so I’d have to assume that she was so appreciative of you and your husband willing to parent her child when she thought she couldn’t and that she wanted you to have an official role in the child’s life.
The offer isn’t bad, and your answer wasn’t bad. The only ones making this situation worse are the other family members.” Dependent-Donut5428
Another User Comments:
“NTJ/No jerks here
I can’t quite decide because that would depend on her motives. It could be because she doesn’t have a lot of support and wants to give you this title to leverage you into being an extra bank and source of childcare.
This could be her way of trying to honor you for all your support. Only she knows.
But she’s definitely not wrong for changing her mind, and as hard as it is the pregnancy bonding hormones can do a number on the brain, esp once the child’s actually in the mother’s arms. You’re not wrong for wanting to maintain a healthy distance.
It would be painful to be this involved, and you’re after a child to call your own, not to be the extra childcare and support for a relative’s family you may not be close to. The real tools are the nosey relatives that are giving their opinion.
One of them can volunteer themselves if they feel so strongly, and they should spend more time trying to support the new mother and less gossiping and giving their useless opinion. That’s our job!” FlahBlast
4. AITJ For Returning To My Apartment?
“I work from home, and my grandfather had a stroke about a month ago. I fly out and start helping him and my grandma around the house. I didn’t want to take family and medical leave and work as a programmer.
My grandpa repeatedly interrupted me at work and told me I didn’t have a real job to the point where I faced disciplinary actions because he unplugged the wifi while I was working to try and get my attention.
I make 6 figures, so this isn’t something I can walk away from and I do have the freedom in this job to work anyplace I want. I told my grandparents that if this happened again, I couldn’t stay and help them out.
My grandpa, the next day, got mad about something and slammed my laptop screen shut, breaking it.
I packed my things and am returning to my apartment about 1500 miles away.
I told my family that grandpa was abusive and someone else needed to step up. My mom said she was overwhelmed and everyone has traditional jobs except me. They act because I work from home, my job isn’t important although I make more than all of them.
After that, I left with my mom and grandma crying about how they didn’t know how to manage grandpa, and I was heartless, saying, ‘it’s no longer my problem and he needs to be in a home’. I have to stop at my work’s office once I get back to replace my laptop that I have to say I dropped and to try to explain why I’m behind on this project because I’m already in trouble for it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
but hear me out…
As people get older and get dementia sometimes they start getting aggressive. If it’s weird he broke stuff, weird he doesn’t see you at a computer as working and generally being stubborn and spiteful, look into this.
Grandma has been married to him but now can handle him.
Stuff happens, and you’ll get a lot of 911 calls because the grandparent is acting weird and aggressive and they think he’s sick. Guys, I hate to break it to you, but they’re OLD.
This is definitely a thing to get tested. Not everyone realizes this cause they seem perfectly fine and just want people to leave them alone and just seem jerkish.
If he’s interrupting work though, it is literally cheaper to get someone to go out once a day to check on him if you’re making 6 figures. It would be a fair compromise if it turns out it’s dementia.
If it’s legitimately jerk behavior, you’re vindicated. Being old doesn’t give you the entitled right to disrespect people.” stopitmark_555
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your family was happy to just let you deal with everything. It would have been good if your mom had looked into professional care for your GP while you were there. You were generous with your time and effort, but it’s too much.
Your career is already in danger. (I do hope your employer is very understanding of what you were trying to do for your family.)
Go home and focus on taking care of your job. Once you have that back on track, you can see where the family is in figuring out how to care for GP.
If there’s some online research you can do (info on accessing financial support, getting covered by a government program, adult social services, or service providers in the area…), do what research you can and send it to the family. That’s how you can help without endangering your career.
You can’t control whether the family appreciates what you’ve already done and may still do, but you can be at peace and know that you have helped your family.” swillshop
Another User Comments:
“Ultimately NTJ… but on a side note, was your Grandpa always mean-spirited?
Or is this something newer since having the stroke? I ask that because it may not fully be his fault that his behavior changed so drastically if this isn’t his normal type of personality… but that’s a conversation to have with a doctor.
I am all for family helping family and it sounds like you made a lot of effort to come from a faraway place to stay and help out while holding down a job that pays your living expenses. Work-from-home jobs, especially those that make six figures, are great in a lot of ways but just because you working from home doesn’t mean you’re at someone else’s beacon call.
You’re still expected to get things done in an efficient and timely manner.
I hear people all the time tell new parents with babies that it either isn’t their responsibility to watch the new baby or that if they help it is limited because they have their own lives to live, etc. Well, you know what, it kind of works that way too in this situation with elders.
You have a career to manage to support your own self in life (unless they are going to compensate you for your time) and you’re doing as much as you can while still balancing your job. To expect much more out of you than what you’ve already been trying to give is unrealistic.” Sparkle062510
3. AITJ For Telling My Sister Cut Off Our Mom?
“I (f25) am one of five children.
My mom and my sister (35) have never got along. My mom kicked her out when she was 15 and she had to live in a hostel. It’s caused big issues because my mom has never kicked any of us out or even suggested we leave.
Mom once said she ‘regretted having’ my sister and ‘wished she wasn’t born.’ Most of the family doesn’t get involved, but I love and care for my sister. Despite what my mom does, my sister always forgives her and tries to buy her love with gifts.
Mom was never a loving or emotional woman to my sister. She is better with us but never does anything selflessly for her children. My sister always gets the worst presents and her birthday is never celebrated by my mum. Mom accuses her of being ‘jealous’ and says she (sister) has brainwashed me into hating her (mom).
After a big incident recently, I got involved. I told my mom she is ‘heartless,’ ‘a terrible mom,’ and ‘cruel.’ I also said if I were a stranger, I would ‘hate her.’
I suggested my sister cut my mom out of her life.
I would honestly do the same if my mom treated me that way too. The rest of my family thinks I am wrong for what I said.
Am I? I don’t want my sister to suffer, but my mom will never treat her as a proper daughter.
It’s harsh but I know it. I want what’s best for her, even if it makes my family uncomfortable.
Edit: I should add that my mom is really hurt by what I said. She considers me the favorite and we’ve never had any issues so this was shocking for her.
The family also thinks I’m the jerk because I ‘ganged’ up on her with my sister and suggested they cut contact which means mom might not see the grandchildren.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I think it’s pretty crappy that none of you stood up for her after all this time.
Mom will be gone but your siblings are who will be left for the long term. It’s your duty to protect your siblings, especially from trashy parents. Your sister blames herself whenever she is mistreated. Do you not see how extremely out of hand your mother has gotten with her emotional and mental mistreatment?
All siblings need to follow suit in cutting mom off or standing together. People enabling an awful person by staying silent or neutral are complicit in the mistreatment.” Alternative-Bend-396
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You stuck up for your sister. Your mom sounds like a piece of work.
She is likely a narcissist. Your sister will spend a lot of time and effort to gain her love but is not likely to ever get a healthy relationship with her. Check out the narcissistic parent website and see if your mom checks a lot of the boxes.
It is not unusual for them to have a favorite child and drive a wedge between siblings. Manipulative and hateful things that you mentioned mom has done make me think that’s going on.” Fragrant-Art-4753
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s rare for the Golden Child to recognize the problem and stand up for the scapegoat.
Good for you! It is your business to help when you see someone being mistreated. The bad guy counts on bystanders to stay silent or they couldn’t get away with as much, and a victim is more likely to realize that they don’t deserve it.
Everyone wants their mom to love them. It’s an instinct so strong that we’ll put up with almost anything to make it happen. It’s hard to acknowledge when she doesn’t. It’s painful and traumatic. It’s soul-crushing. But it’s healthier to do what you’re suggesting even though it hurts so much.
I wish you and your sister all the best.” nonsequitur756
2. AITJ For Celebrating My Birthday The Way I Want?
“My parents got divorced when I was 12 years old. My mom moved on very quickly and got married to her husband ‘Frank’ within 1 year.
Frank has a daughter Alicia who is 2 years younger than me. They moved in together shortly after so I lived half with them and half with my dad from about ages 13-18. Towards the end of high school, despite the custody technically being 50/50 I stayed with my dad the majority of the time.
I also have two older real siblings who were 15 and 18 so didn’t spend as much time with Alicia. Alicia and I were always cool but never especially close. Nothing against her, I just wasn’t looking for a new sibling, and as you can imagine I had my hesitations about Frank.
Anyways, Alicia got engaged recently and is planning a wedding for this June on what just so happens to be my 30th birthday. Having a mid-June birthday doesn’t offend or shock me. It’s always wedding season, so I’ve spent quite a few birthday weekends at weddings.
It just is what it is. When my mom called me to tell me she knows the timing isn’t ideal but made a joke ‘at least you’ll have a free party on your birthday’ I told her that actually, I have a Eurotrip planned with my partner for that week.
We’d been planning it for quite some time before Alicia got engaged. My mom and Frank both told me I need to reschedule it because a family event comes before a vacation. I responded by saying, I wish her the best, but she’s not exactly my family, and I’m going to spend my 30th how I want, I will contribute some funds to her honeyfund but that’s it.
They are both really mad at me, and Alicia reached out to me apologizing about the date but it was the only time they could get the venue they wanted. I told her no sweat, and I hope she has a blast. She then begged me to come and said I mean a lot to her as I’m the only step-sibling she had time to bond with, which caught me off guard because I never considered us close.
I told her sorry, but my mind is made up. She seemed really sad and eventually hung up. Since then, my mom has been begging me to change my mind, and Frank said I’m being a huge jerk since he ‘helped raise me’ and I should be there for my sister’s wedding.
I laughed and said I wouldn’t call him a father figure, and she’s not my sister. That set him off more… AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She knew it was your birthday and she apologized because she wanted that venue. All good.
What isn’t good is Alicia, your mum & her husband expecting you to rearrange a whole trip for one day, which is happening on your 30th, which is a milestone birthday.
It’s not your ‘free’ party. It’s Alicia’s wedding. Everything will be focused (as it should be) on her and her husband because it’s her wedding, not your 30th. You want to celebrate and enjoy your birthday as you planned.
Don’t listen to the guilt trip.
She might have bonded with you, but you didn’t with her. Your mum’s husband can throw his toys out of the pram all he wants because you didn’t choose him. Your mum did and being a minor, had no choice but to go along with it, till you started staying more at your dad’s.” HunterDangerous1366
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I’m saying this because of the way OP’s mother told her child about the wedding. ‘You’ll get a free party on your birthday.’ Why would she say that to her child? Not to mention, OP wants to spend their milestone birthday doing something for themselves.
Unless OP’s mother is going to do something separate for OP’s birthday, then OP doesn’t have to go to the wedding.
OP mentioned their older siblings won’t be attending either, so it makes me wonder whether or not this is about family appearances.
They knew OP’s birthday wasn’t going to change and they assumed OP wouldn’t have plans?! Something tells me the rest of OP’s mother’s family will call her out for believing OP would show up at his stepsister’s wedding during their birthday!
OP go have fun on your vacation! Don’t let anyone guilt you into canceling what promises to be an excellent birthday for you. Congrats to your stepsister, too; but, you have your plans.” aquavenatus
Another User Comments:
“You are not the jerk. NTJ. If you want to be more than ‘not the jerk’ you can offer your stepsister some support by acknowledging she is making a big life change and you understand her feeling the need to reconnect to people from when she was younger (who she might have looked up to).
Getting married is exciting and a little scary! Your physical presence at the wedding isn’t required for your stepsister to process this and she will be too busy being a bride at her own wedding to spend any quality time with you. Sending a sentimental gift or card just for her saying that you are happy/proud or something that could be read at the wedding as part of the speeches could go a long way to mending any hurt feelings.
Again, you absolutely do not have to do any of this, you are firmly in the right and NTJ.” ambushsituation
1. AITJ For Talking About How I Bullied My Friend In High School?
“I (28F) just recently got married last week. And from the title of this post, you can see that I am not really the best person. I have a close friend who we’ll call Jana (28F). Jana and I have not always been friends.
In HS, I constantly teased her, calling her the nerd of the class cause I was an insecure jerk (she got really good grades).
Because I teased her, other people also started teasing her about her grades. She had confronted me privately about this, and I did stop teasing her after that since I got embarrassed. The class probably thought that it was an old joke now and stopped too.
It was in college that we finally became close. We saw each other at a reunion, and we realized that our universities were near. Since then, we regularly hung out and became close friends.
I invited her to my wedding as a bridesmaid, and she gladly accepted. During the wedding toasts, she recounted the bullying she went through from me, saying, ‘I can’t believe we’re friends even though you bullied me all throughout high school.’
I don’t know if she was joking when she said that. I’ve made my best effort to make it up to her and apologized time and time again. She accepted my apology each time, even laughing it off that I was overthinking. I thought we had finally put the past behind us.
After the toasts, I was hurt and confused but decided to talk to her later because I wanted to enjoy my wedding. But during the party, my sister/maid of honor came up to me worried, saying that there have been a lot of people asking Jana about the bullying, and she was detailing every single thing I said.
I had my sister get Jana, and I talked to her privately in the back, asking why she brought up the bullying, and she got offended. She said that she was just telling the truth. I replied that it was okay to talk about this, but at least at a different time and situation.
She called me a jerk for invalidating her feelings because it was true that I bullied her. I ended up crying, and she walked out.
Now there are rumors that I bullied her again after some people saw Jana walking out. My in-laws have also inquired about the matter too and have been quite cold to me even though I’ve already explained the matter.
My mom, sis, and husband are on my side but a few friends from my circle said that I had to deal with the consequences of my past actions. I understand that I really hurt her, but I really thought we’ve moved past this or at least would bring it up again privately instead of in front of a whole crowd.
I just don’t think that it was the right time and place given that our relationship is quite close and she never brought it up again in the 7 years we’ve been friends. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
To be fair, when you bullied her, you didn’t do it in private either; you did it in front of the whole class, so it’s kind of hypocritical to expect her to talk about it only in private when you didn’t care about that in HS.
The same for the place and time – I guess you didn’t let her choose back then if it was the right time and place for her to be bullied. You just did it on your own terms.
You learned a hard lesson about victims of bullying.
They maybe forgive, but they will never forget. And they usually have a lot of patience.
Nah, because in the end it was not right to bring this up at your wedding, but on the other hand, she only ruined one day of your life.
You most likely ruined months, if not years of hers. And no matter how often you apologize, no apology will undo the damage you did to her life.” Every_Caterpillar945
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Bullying her was wrong, but you know this already and apologized for it.
She nursed a grudge as much as she denied it. This was her punishing you publicly, for you to feel ashamed and embarrassed on one of the biggest occasions of your life.
Since you got upset with her, she can say you were mean to her for ignoring that she was in pain and focusing on being in pain yourself, essentially gaslighting you.
She’s not on a fact-finding mission, she wants your loved ones to think badly of you. Don’t be surprised if she ghosts you or is no longer your friend after this. She hasn’t acted like it… despite your jerk teen years, you seem like you were genuinely remorseful, but that probably didn’t seem to be enough for her.
I’m sorry your family is cold to you now. Hopefully, they will see how much you wish you could take your behavior back and try to make things right over the years.” TheLadyElbereth
Another User Comments:
“This sort of sounds like a ‘no jerks here’ situation (between you and Jana) because Jana just sort of strikes me as not creating drama on purpose.
‘You know, OP once did (terrible thing) to me. It’s really crazy how we ended up here as friends!’ seems like something that, while not great to include as part of a wedding speech, is just a part of your life and hers that I can see Jana as innocently just not seeing as a secret that needed to hide.
Wedding speeches include embarrassing things all the time. The point of most wedding speeches I’ve heard in my life is just, ‘bride or groom used to be so immature, and now look at them now, all grown up and mature and getting married,’ so yeah, doesn’t really seem like something Jana would have done with vengeful or upset intentions.
Jana forgiving you doesn’t mean Jana is obligated to move forward in life as if the past didn’t happen. Because she forgave you for your transgression doesn’t mean she’s obligated to pretend the transgression never happened or keep it a secret.
To be honest, I do think with this being a normal wedding speech thing, if you really wanted to avoid anything like it, you should have asked to see the speeches in advance, but that’s just me.
Only people I could possibly call the jerks are the weirdos who fixated on one line of a normal wedding speech, asked follow-up questions, and then made a big deal of Jana leaving because of it. That’s not normal, unlike Jana’s speech.” Kittenn1412
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
I think, on the balance of probability, you’re probably leaving things out, intentionally or otherwise. If her recount was sufficient to turn your family and friends against you, I can’t imagine it was as mild as just calling her a nerd sometimes.
Nor can I imagine she’d harbor such resentment over minor bullying for so many years. However, I will give you credit for trying to make amends and will accept you were young when you bullied her, which I think needs to be taken into account.
That said, I think she became a bully in return by shaming you on your wedding day after you entrusted her to be a bridesmaid. I don’t know if she planned this in advance (a long game if she did) or if she saw an opportunity and ran with it, but either way, she misled you about the depth of your friendship only to use it as a way to humiliate you.
I think that takes a serious level of callousness and manipulation and the bullied has become the bully.” Anniemaniac
