People Search For An Answer To Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
16. AITJ For Telling My Partner's Mom That She Has Overstayed Her Welcome?
She really can’t stay forever.
“My (25f) partner (27m) have been together for 7 years. We’ve been having some relationship issues the past couple of weeks, so I haven’t really been in the best state mentally and neither has he.
We amicably decided to work things through but are still in the process of doing so. We’ve been bickering and fighting but we both know in time we’ll get through it. Or, maybe not.
I don’t know. But we are trying.
Anyways, he decided to have his mom come from Florida to stay with us for the week. I was a bit unhappy about this, with everything we are going through, but I bit my tongue because I know they are close and I just want him to be happy.
We share a small, one-bedroom apartment. Emphasis on “small,” it’d almost be considered a studio but it’s not because our bathroom and bedroom are separated.
His mom is highly invasive. I could go on and on about the number of things she’s done to invade my privacy but this was my last straw.
On Saturday night, I went out with some friends of mine to get my mind off of things and I got home pretty late. She was sleeping on the couch so I quietly took a shower and got into bed with my partner.
He turned over to cuddle with me and I know she was supposed to leave the next day so I quietly asked him “so what time are you bringing her to the airport tomorrow,” and he says “she extended her stay.” My heart dropped. I need my privacy.
So, we started bickering and in the middle of the bickering, I see a flashlight shine into our bedroom. It was his mother peeking her head in to “check on us.”
I looked at him and he looked like a deer in the headlights.
“Do you understand now?” I said to him. We both came to a compromise and she will be leaving next weekend. Am I the jerk for giving him an ultimatum? I found out she actually got a one-way ticket here because she didn’t know how long she would be staying with us.
This is my apartment. Granted, it’s his too, but I just wish he would’ve at least asked me before he had his mother stay with us for weeks on end. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Nope, NTJ. You mentioned that you’re having relationship issues in your first paragraph. In your shoes, I would want to have a partner who is smart enough to realize that issues need to be dealt with.
He knows that his mother causes you distress. It is extremely disrespectful to invite her over for a week given the fact that you’re currently deciding whether or not to break up. It shouldn’t be your responsibility to host someone when your relationship is on the rocks.
If he can’t realize why this was an inappropriate move/why making unilateral decisions in regard to your shared space is problematic/ why it’s important to communicate with your partner about guests pushing boundaries, I’d be questioning whether this relationship was right for me.
Look, I’m not going to jump on the bandwagon of leaving him, but it’s not abnormal for couples to drift apart when their relationship starts as teenagers. Needs can change over time.
What was acceptable back then might not cut it now. Just because you spent seven years together does not mean you owe him emotional labor or have to work on your relationship if you’re on the fence about staying.
Protect your peace. If your sanity feels compromised, if you’re constantly feeling unhappy, or if you genuinely cannot see a future with him, prolonging the relationship to avoid the inevitable is only doing yourself a disservice.
If you really want to stay, it would probably be beneficial to get relationship counseling as long as there isn’t an unforgiving or dangerous situation present.
I wish you the best of luck.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Part of this problem only exists because you didn’t defend your boundaries. You are an adult and an adult relationship, he can’t know what you want unless you communicate
That said, he shouldn’t have “told” you anything.
He should have discussed with you her plans both in origin and in the extension. You need to have a confrontation and have her go to a hotel room or get on a flight and fly home.
Her buying a one-way ticket because she was thinking she could stay for a very long time is a problem.
You need to go to couples counseling and determine whether or not you guys want to stay together.
Because he sounds a bit like he has too few boundaries with his mother and not enough recognition that your relationship should be a priority in your house.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. How intrusive!
When you live with a partner, courtesy dictates that houseguests have to be discussed and approved beforehand by both partners. The duration of the visit also needs to be agreed upon beforehand by both partners.
It was crappy of your partner to invite her without asking, and even crappier to lie about the visit being open-ended. The apartment is equally your home too. If she ever visits again, demand she stay in a hotel.
It was a stupid idea to have to stay with you in such a small space.” cookiequeen724
15. AITJ For Not Allowing My Partner To Borrow My Car?
“My partner has a bad habit of being on his phone while driving. I constantly fuss about it because if I don’t, the phone is glued to his hand whether it’s a 10-minute drive or an hour drive.
It makes me extremely anxious so now I refuse to ride in his car unless he promises to put it up but even then it’s just a matter of time until he pulls it out.
Sometimes I give up and hope he doesn’t wreck if we’re in his car. However, if we’re in my car and he’s driving I try to be strict about the phone being put away because I’m not okay with totaling my car because he wants to scroll on social media, but no matter what I say, it ends up happening.
His excuse is always he “forgot” or “it’s just a habit.” I can’t tell if he’s so used to doing it that it’s automatic and it genuinely does slip his mind, or if he’s just trying to get away with it by doing it so much so that I get tired of saying something.
Because of this, I mostly drive when in my car to avoid dealing with it but there are times when he asks to drive but even after promising not to be on the phone, he still does it.
It’s even worse on long road trips where we’re rotating driving every few hours because it’s nearly impossible for him to not check his phone for that long and he’ll sometimes even say “okay I’ll drive now but I am going to be on my phone”… when he says that I usually say never mind and keep driving.
Just today he was googling something and reading entire freaking articles while driving with his knee in MY car and when I asked him to put the phone away he said “yeah I gotta do something” and continued.
Now, this ongoing argument has gotten even tenser because he sold his vehicle last week and is still shopping around for a new one. I made it clear before he sold his vehicle without having one lined up that in the meantime, he will not be borrowing my car.
If he doesn’t listen to me about the phone while I’m there, he most definitely won’t while I’m not there. With that being said, he still asks to borrow my car but today he got really angry when I said no. When I brought up how he was on his phone just an hour ago while driving my car he said “well what if you FaceTime me while I drive so you know I’m not on it” but it’s not fair that I have to spend my time to babysit him during his entire drive so I still refused. He said that because he had to get his dad to pick him up they were going to be late for the movie and also threw in that it’s screwed up or something, and it kinda made me feel bad.
Am I the jerk for not letting him use my car to go to the movies with his dad?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My ex rear-ended a family because he just had to send that text.
This was after I harped over and over about not being on the phone while driving. He told me to mind my own business, it was his car. Fine, I was sick of feeling like his mother anyway.
He didn’t tell me right away after the accident. The family was fine, thank goodness. I said I freaking told you so. You’re lucky you didn’t kill anyone. He stopped texting while driving after the accident but that only lasted so long.
Selfish. There is nothing worth your life or someone else’s that you need to be on your phone while driving.
Also reminds me of the high school graduate that hit a flatbed truck responding with one simple word, “ok,” to her mom.
She ended up paralyzed and not going to college with the rest of her friends.” justdgaf1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Stop caving to his behavior. It’s exhausting having to say the same boundary over and over again but every time you give in and just sit there while he drives dangerously, you’re telling him that the boundary isn’t real and he can ignore what you say.
Stop letting him drive entirely. No more driving privileges for him, not with you in the car. He will whine and then get angry and rant and rave but he is the one behaving badly (and is going to get people killed, w*f?!).
Stick to what you know is right and make him decide what is more important.” maantre
Another User Comments:
“When you end up a paraplegic from an accident caused by him being on the phone while driving, you will no longer have a problem because he will have totaled your car and dumped your butt so fast, your head will spin.
He does not love you or he would respect you and protect you. He does not respect anyone else on the road he could end up killing or maiming.
Why the heck would you stay with such a jerk?
Do NOT let him drive your car. Do not get in any car with him when you know he’ll text no matter what you say. Your opinion simply does not matter to him. Dump him ASAP and find someone who’s not trying to kill or main you.
ESH.” dragonsfriend-9271
14. AITJ For Turning Off The Utilities After Moving Out Of An Apartment Shared With Roommates?
“I regret doing this to the roommates who got caught in the crossfire. I apologized to them afterward. This happened a few months ago.
I’m (21F) in college, studying engineering, and graduating early at the end of next semester.
At the time, I worked 35 hours a week at an engineering firm and had recently gotten with my now fiancé. Those three things take up nearly all my time, and I like to prioritize them that way.
2 of my old roommates, who were my friends, were just starting their early education majors, have no jobs, and like to spend their time sitting around watching Netflix and stuff.
Our personal lives were once compatible long ago, but now they’re not.
It seems like my roommates took it personally that I’ve moved on to a different stage in life. I didn’t prioritize spending time with them anymore. They spread rumors about me to our mutual friends, getting mad at me for leaving a couple of plates in the sink overnight (it was finals week), being upset that I wouldn’t join their last-minute plans, etc.
I’d been through thick and thin for those roommates. Held them when they cried over boys and gave reasonable advice on how to deal with them, advice that these roommates had come and asked for.
I single-handedly dealt with our terrible landlady who totally screwed us over on a number of occasions. I’d cooked many meals for these girls, never asked for gas change when I drove them around on errands and I was the one who found our apartment for us.
I never once got a thank you. I stuck my neck out for them and got nothing in return other than one time they bought me some chocolate.
The real thing that bothered me was a few days before I moved out.
They sat on the opposite end of the couch from me so the 2 of them discuss a farewell party they were throwing for our other roommate, who we’d only known a couple of months, scheduled for the night before I was leaving to move across the country for an internship.
It wasn’t a conversation that included me.
The apartment gas and electrical bills were in my name. It was a monthly battle of trying to get them to help pay the bill. I was fed up when I moved out, so, feeling totally used and mistreated, I texted the group chat to say I wouldn’t keep handling utilities.
The old plan was for me to keep the utilities and have them pay each month w/ Venmo, but no one responded for 8 hours so I had them turned off the next morning. They woke up with no power.
One of them finally texted me to ask how to sign up for the utilities, but I was asleep so I didn’t respond. 30 minutes later, I woke up to a voicemail from her mom calling me tacky, saying she couldn’t believe I would dare make her daughter get up and get dressed to deal with such immature behavior.
Needless to say, I haven’t talked to them since. After the voicemail from my roommate’s mom, I feel like it was a jerk thing for me to do. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to go against the tide and say ESH, but in the immediate situation, YTJ.
If I understand correctly, the plan you both agreed on was that you would handle the utilities and they would Venmo you. You can change your mind on that, okay, that’s totally understandable. It was a bad plan anyways IMO.
But only giving them 8 hours’ notice that you were shutting off the utilities is super not cool given that you agreed to this plan. If you had said no one responded for 48 hours, okay, that’s one thing.
But people have lives – maybe they were out with their family or friends, or maybe they were at work. Expecting them to drop everything and rush to their computer and set the utilities up the minute you change your mind is ridiculous.
I recently had one roommate move out and another roommate move in. My old roommate handled the utilities, and so we had to swap it to my name – which took about a week.
If she texted at 2 pm on a weekend that she didn’t want to handle it anymore, I probably would have responded the next morning (because hello, people have lives). If I had come home from a night out, gone to bed, and woken up to no power and water with a fridge full of ruined groceries I would have been angry and I think rightfully so.” StatusSnow
Another User Comments:
“Eh, I’ll probably be downvoted but ESH.
Them for spreading rumors about you. Dishes in the sink, being upset over last min plans, that sort of stuff seems like it could be within reason—hard to know without more details.
But spreading rumors is always a jerk move. Also, it doesn’t sound like the relationships were reciprocal so they just sound like crappy friends.
But you’re the jerk too for 1) being so judgmental about them choosing what you perceive as inferior paths in life, and 2) giving only 8 hours’ notice before pulling a critical service.” oooyomeyo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Even if they hadn’t excluded you, the expectation that you would have kept paying their utilities was only for their benefit and absolutely them using you. They had already established a history of not paying you, and you paying their utilities would be taking legal responsibility for them.
If you had just had that realization, it still wouldn’t be wrong for you to give them such short notice, because it’s something they should have been doing in the first place, and the only reason they expected you to do it was because they thought they had successfully broken you down so they didn’t have to treat you right at all in any way anymore.
The next time her mother tries to call you up and berate you tell her to get her priorities straight. She is an adult with responsibilities, if she’s got time to waste trying to call up another adult and shame them for a situation she isn’t involved in at all, she needs to recognize that she’s not only wasting her time but yours, and hang up on her.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were a good friend to people too selfish and immature to reciprocate. Just the fact that one of your roommates–who no doubt considers herself to be an adult-+had her mommy call and criticize you for making her daughter deal with an adult situation of her own making proves this point.
Unfortunately, this can happen when we remain friends out of habit rather than common values. If you weren’t still roommates, you could have drifted off to the next stage in your life without any drama.
Under the circumstances, I don’t see how else you could have handled it. If they were dragging their feet on paying utilities when you were living in the apartment, it’s unlikely that they would have given paying you a second thought once you were on the other side of the country.
Even if you’d given them a month’s notice, they still wouldn’t have done anything about switching over the utilities until after they were cut off.” Fantastic_Nebula_835
13. AITJ For Reporting My Neighbor's Kid's Cats To The Apartment?
“Firstly, let me start with that we are not allowed cats in our apartment building; it’s in everyone’s contract and is a strict rule.
We have known my neighbor has cats since just after we moved in but just stayed out of it at first. But let’s backtrack to when my husband and I moved in at the beginning of this year.
My husband is a teacher and had online classes until 9 pm. About a week after we moved in the neighbor knocked on my husband’s office window during a class at about 8:05 pm and proceeded to yell at him about his noise so loudly she woke me up (something his teaching hadn’t done so it couldn’t be that loud) she said she is an uber driver and so needs her sleep at odd times and so we need to be quiet at all times… which is impossible but we adjusted his schedule to end at 6 pm anyway, but she still makes loud noises and knocks often during his classes.
We didn’t take this further and had hardly spoken to her since then.
Time went by and a few weeks ago the water supply to our area was interrupted. It came back on at 9 pm but at midnight I woke up to a wet floor and realized it was serious.
It turned out the water was coming through the wall from her apartment but she was working that night. By the time we got the water turned off our apartment was completely flooded and carpets and floors needed to be replaced. She has lied (allegedly in my opinion) about how the flood happened to avoid legal trouble.
She obviously left a tap on, but that’s beside the point currently.
We have been waiting for the insurance to get sorted to get the floors replaced but have been dealing with a serious flea problem since then.
We don’t have pets and have never had this issue so we know it is from the cats next door and the overall moistness from the flood. On top of this, because she is hiding the fact that she has cats, she has told the landlady her floors are fine so they don’t need to be checked out which is impossible because she has the same carpets as us and must have had more water damage.
This could present a serious problem if the insurance doesn’t check it out and when she moves out the landlady then has to pay out of pocket for the floors to be fixed.
Because of all of this I chose to report to the landlady that she has cats.
Her daughter is distraught because the landlady has enforced the contract and she can’t afford to move so she needs to give the cats up. I feel bad for the kid but what else could I have done?
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You ignored the cat while it wasn’t causing issues. Your neighbor has been consistently rude including demanding silence from your apartment well before quiet hours.
Her error left your apartment and, I agree, very likely her apartment was damaged and you’re now dealing with fleas.
If your lease agreement is fairly standard then fleas are not one of the landlord-covered pests, so you now have to pay to rid your apartment of these difficult-to-remove pests which is AGAIN her neighbor’s fault for having a cat in a space it isn’t permitted and not taking basic care of the pet to keep it from having fleas.
You did what you needed to do, and it’s regrettable the little girl lost her pet, but her mother did nothing to keep things clean or the cat clean and it snowballed. Your neighbor is at fault here.” emotionallydented445
Another User Comments:
“I would have told the neighbors to move the cats out temporarily so her carpet could be replaced, and then the cats be snuck back in after.
I’m sorry, YTJ.
This was cruel.
You had another option. You could have talked to her.
Edit: all that kid is thinking about is if her cats are going to be put down. And cats are capable of becoming depressed. It happens when they are separated from their owners.
Sadness all around.” TheQuietType84
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As a huge animal lover and someone involved in animal rescue, I get so angry when animals are brought into living situations by irresponsible individuals who are not authorized to have them knowing they are taking a chance of getting caught and putting the animal(s) at risk of ending up homeless.
That is EXACTLY what this woman did. Further, since there was a flea infestation, it sounds like she was leaving them without flea control, which is unhealthy, and may well have been neglecting them in other ways as well.
If she is lying about the extent of the damage to the carpets/apartment, that is a HUGE concern as it can and will lead to mold, which also can and will cause numerous health issues – to both people and animals.
The more it progresses without being treated, the more costly and involved it will be once it’s discovered.
You did everyone involved a favor. It doesn’t sound like your neighbor cares much about anyone but herself.
She has no one to blame but herself that she was caught being deceptive. She’s not someone I’d want for a neighbor or tenant.” SnooGiraffes4137
12. AITJ For Uninviting My Best Friend From My Wife's Birthday Trip?
“My (F26) wife (F29) is turning 30 next week. We decided to find a large house on Airbnb and have a bunch of friends come along for a 30th birthday celebration.
My wife makes a solid income so we were able to afford a pretty big house for 5 days. It’s a U-shaped 4 bedroom, 4 bathroom home and the master suite takes up the entire upstairs right side.
It’s the perfect house for this occasion.
So yesterday, me and the friends were all sitting in the kitchen when we told them they were coming. Everyone was excited and pumped. My best friend (F27) was especially excited because I included her husband (M27) with us.
They have a one-year-old together and haven’t really had a break since he was born, so I figured some days off with friends would be nice. I told everyone about the house but I didn’t show them or tell them too much because I wanted it to be a surprise.
Well, I guess my best friend had her own plans because she straight up was like, “as long as we get the master suite.” At first, I thought she was joking but when we all laughed, she and her husband didn’t.
She had a dead serious look on her face. When I asked her if she was really serious, she said “well…yes. We’ve needed this since Ethan was born, and since you’re just celebrating a birthday, it shouldn’t be that big of a deal to let us use the master suite.”
You could hear a pin drop. Everyone’s jaws were on the floor in disbelief. Her husband agreed and went on about how hard a kid is and how new parents need all the luxury they can get.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The only one that didn’t hear it all was my wife and that’s because she was at work. I told my best friend and her husband that I absolutely will not be letting them use the master suite and that I’m sorry it’s been rough but it’s my wife’s birthday.
Literally the biggest birthday of your life next to your sweet 16th and your 18th. This is for her to be with me and all of our friends to celebrate, not for my best friend and her husband who need time away from their kid.
I told both of them this and said that if they have an issue with it, then they’re uninvited. They got up and left without saying anything.
When I told my wife about it later on, she sided with me (obviously).
But I can’t help but think that maybe I was too harsh. I still wouldn’t want them thinking they can just have what they want just because they’re tired parents. But then again that’s just it, they’re tired parents and need a break.
Was I too harsh and went too far with uninviting them? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If they need to get away so badly they should rent their own place if they’d like to join the celebration.
But it doesn’t seem that they’re thinking of sharing your wife’s birthday as much as they want a discounted personal vacation. Continue your plans to celebrate how y’all want and let those entitled “friends” figure it out whether they will grow up or not.
That’s just so absurd for them to have the audacity to claim dibs on the master room of someone else’s reservation.” Cobixnm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They aren’t the ones planning the event, nor is the event celebrating them.
They were invited guests and attempting to take advantage of your hospitality and using their kid as an excuse.
If they want a getaway so bad and a master suite, they should pay/plan one.
Not expect it like entitled brats.” bmblb_pmpkn_ldybg
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t really understand how it escalated into that. Your best friend said “as long as we get the master suite” then I guess the answer is, “oh well, too bad.
we will miss you.” It’s one thing to be a supportive friend of parents by, say, watching their kids for them or buying them things to help or bringing them meals. But asking your wife to pay for and give up the master suite on her birthday is ridiculous.” super_bluecat
You know, I don't understand these new parents at all. I wasn't always a single parent, but with the last two I was (I have 4). I had zero help with the feedings and changings and those babies were attached to my hip until they could get around on their own. I don't remember ever being so wiped out from taking care of my own child that I would even need a break, much less expect someone else to give it to me or pay for it. And all of this with a full-time job. I have no sympathy. None. Too bad they'll miss the party, but this is not your fault. NTJ
11. WIBTJ For Not Attending My Brother's Wedding?
“My husband (26m) and I (28f) got married almost 3 years ago, October 21st. My brother (34m) and his partner were both invited, them living about 5 hours away from where we got married. I sent him a save the date, as well as an invitation, and never heard from him regarding whether or not he was coming. I just assumed he would.
I had to find out a month before my wedding from our sister, that he wasn’t coming. The reason being that his partner had a prior commitment to being apart of a bridal party 2 days prior to my wedding (close to them, so 5 hours away from me) and simply couldn’t make it work.
To add, he was not in this bridal party, only his partner. Well, trying to be the bigger person, over the years I’ve just gotten over it. We’ve since spent time with him and he has met our now 1 year old son.
Fast forward to now. My brother and his now fiance are getting married and they announce on social media that the wedding date will be October 22nd, 2022. My thoughts were, wow a day after our anniversary, that’s a little annoying, but oh well.
My mom then tells me it’s actually our grandparents’ anniversary, so I actually thought that was cute. My mom said something to my brother, and it was news to him about it being their anniversary..
So the invitations make their way to all of us, and the date on the invitations now shows a different date, October 21st, 2022. Mine and my husband’s anniversary. AND they’re also not allowing kids to the wedding.
I know this subject can be controversial, I completely understand that kids aren’t everyone’s thing and that it’s the bride and groom’s digression… BUT. This is coming from my brother’s future MIL and none of this is actually something he agreed to (according to my mom).
Since we now live about 6 hours away from my brother, not bringing our son just is not ideal. He is only 1 years old, never been away from us, and sleeps with us every night.
And to be honest, at this point, I’m becoming too bitter about all of this to even try and understand their side of this.
Then my sister reaches out and informs me that she was told our immediate family’s kids are allowed to come, including her partners’ children (they are not married).
So at this point, I’m livid. Why was I told that there were no kids allowed when apparently that’s not the case? So I talk to my mom, and she is livid and calls my brother..
He texts me telling me he’s sorry he’s an idiot and he didn’t realize that immediate family could bring kids, as his soon-to-be MIL is doing all the invitations and somehow wires were crossed. I didn’t respond.
My husband, I haven’t really mentioned is EXTREMELY upset that they are getting married on our anniversary.. He thinks it’s wrong that not only did they not come to our wedding, but are now getting married on “our day” and tbh, I agree.
WIBTJ if I decide for us not to go?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Look, this whole thing STINKS.
Your brother not only did not inform you he wasn’t coming to your wedding, but he didn’t come because his partner needed him at her side at a different wedding two whole days before.
Your brother and now fiance set a date of Oct 22, the day after your anniversary, but also your grandparents’ actual anniversary. However once informed it was the grandparents’ anniversary, they moved it as to not share the anniversary, but then moved it to yours.
Your mom told him it was your anniversary and neither him or the fiance bothered to reach out and say “hey didn’t do it on purpose, it was the only date we could get with the change.” The date changed happened how long before the invites went out?
No one knew about what the date was changed to until the invites went out?
I don’t believe him on the whole kids thing. Not one person has included you in communication. To be honest it seems like your brother is being steamrolled by his fiance, and it seems like you are the target here.
Your mom seems to be the most involved here. He told her he wasn’t coming, she told him about the grandparents and your anniversary, etc. It seems like she is trying to cover and make excuses here for the both of them so that everyone can get along and be happy.
She may stick up for you over their actions, as she said she did, but why didn’t she tell you about the kids change like your sister did? Why are you hearing things second and third-hand?
Why didn’t she tell your brother to call YOU and tell you that he couldn’t come to the wedding? Why didn’t she tell you from the start about the changed date? Why didn’t she demand he calls you from the start to give you a heads up on the date being your anniversary?
Sounds like triangulation many times over. I don’t trust the fiance, and I don’t trust your mother.” McflyThrowaway01
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Your brother sounds like a clueless git who never pays attention to anything, and you’re not being forth coming in talking to him with your issues.
If you don’t tell your brother, he won’t know you’re upset, and cannot correct it. It sounds like him not being aware of things is something the family is aware of. Yes, it was crappy he flaked on your wedding, and it sounds like he’s been this way for quite some time, so why expect him to be different simply because you aren’t like that?
Not saying excuse his crappy behavior, but understand and work around it.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- but for your own sake, I think you need to readjust your expectations for your relationship with your brother.
From what you wrote is sounds like you want a close, mutual relationship and from his actions, it doesn’t seem he wants the same thing. If you keep judging his actions off on how you would act or think he should you are going to continue to get her and feel disappointed. You cannot force someone to treat you the way you think they should or wish they should, you can only set boundaries and realistic expectations for the reality of how they do relate to you.
I will say honestly that I love my sister and could not begin to tell you her wedding anniversary except that it is in August and I could not have cared less if she got married the same date as me.
But that is just me. If you don’t want to go, don’t go! Not to sound harsh, but honestly, it doesn’t sound like he would care that much. You are basing your guilt of not going based on how you felt when he didn’t come to your wedding, but he isn’t you!
So if you have other plans go and enjoy them guilt free!” Revnorthwest
10. AITJ For Kicking My Son Out For Refusing To Do Chores?
“My son (18) graduated high school in June and works full-time. He can stay here as long as he wants, but there are rules.
He was given the choice of daily chores, and he chose the living room. 2. He has to pay $140 per week to cover rent, food, & car insurance. 3. He has to put $200 per check into savings 4.
He has to ask to use my car, replace the gas he uses, and never return it with less than 1/2 tank.
Last week he didn’t do any chores and took my car several times without asking.
Wednesday morning, I didn’t have enough gas to get to work. He has been using the amount from his savings to go out. His excuse was that $140 a week is unfair. I reduced it to $80 per week to just cover insurance.
We reduced the savings requirement to $100 per week. He agreed to the updated agreement and that it was not unreasonable.
Sunday, he lazily touched the living room & didn’t touch it Monday or Tuesday.
Wednesday, I told him that it needs to be done by the time I get up in the morning. It wasn’t done. We have a rug to keep mud off the carpet and the dogs have been tearing it up.
The rug pieces need to be picked up by hand. It takes less than 10 seconds. He feels that it is unfair to expect him to clean up the rug when I let the dogs chew it up.
I reminded him that he didn’t clean ANY of the living room.
I reminded him of our deal, and that he agreed it wasn’t unreasonable. He can do his chores, or he will need to find another place to stay.
I don’t want him to leave, but he has to make a choice. He decided out and is telling everyone that I am kicked him out.
I feel like he chose to leave, and I didn’t kick him out.
He can stay if he does what he agreed to do. He knows I will always be here for him, and that I will not be angry or upset if he chooses to go.
He is an adult; it’s his choice. If he wants to come back, I will allow it however, things are going to be different. I won’t baby him like I have in the past. I will decide what chores he does, and the agreement will also include paying a portion of our utilities.
If he leaves, he is giving up his room. I am not going to hold it for him. Coming back may mean a place on the couch.
My husband (not my son’s father) and my mom 100% agree with me.
Other family members do not. My daughter (26), and other family members think I am being a jerk. They think I should just clean it and move on. I should be happy that he is working full-time and not getting in trouble.
They think kicking him out will just make his life harder & I will end up supporting him in the long run. I haven’t responded to messages because I don’t think it is their business, but it is making me think that I might be the jerk.
Should I just clean the mess and leave him be?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Parental responsibilities don’t end at age 18. I know technically you didn’t kick your son out, but I think it is still partly your responsibility to make sure he has reasonable alternative housing.
You have every right to set boundaries and expectations. But I don’t think you’re relieved of your responsibilities because your son didn’t do his chores or didn’t fill up the tank.
But the streets are filled with people whose families kicked them out for whatever reason, and it’s a nuisance to the city and to society (and not to mention cruel to the person). In many cities, a full time minimum wage job will not pay for a rental bedroom–I don’t know what the situation where you are is.
I mostly blame bad housing policy, but nonetheless families need to take some responsibility to make their recently adult children are housed (even if they reach the magical age of 18). If your son was indeed able to arrange alternative housing, then I think it’s fine what you did.
Also, I think that it is a parent’s responsibility to encourage and provide access to higher education for your kids, which it doesn’t seem you’re doing. The focus is on the 18 year old to pay this and pay that and work a full-time job…personally, I think the job of an 18-year-old should be to continue his education.
But just my opinion.” Complete-Proposal729
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Not at all, you are very reasonable in expecting chores to be done and in charging rent. Just because it’s home doesn’t mean things are free.
We had a similar situation that ended up the same. Our daughter thought we were being greedy and unreasonable. We were going to charge 250 a month. This was the second time she lived with us.
She’d rather pay a landlord 900 and be broke than stay home and do a few chores, not even assigned ones, just basic picking up after herself. She left just before the first month was due after living with us entirely free for 18 months so she could save and pay off some debt.
She’s 24.” Environmental-Song16
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Simply for the fact that you’re expecting him to act like an adult while you treat him like a child in some ways. How? You say that he will do the chores that you choose for him rather than letting him decide for himself and he has to put the amount you decide into his savings, even though it’s his, and he should decide that for himself.
Those aren’t the actions of someone treating another person like an adult. It’s a parent bossing their kid around.” PhoenixEcho1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There are consequences to everything you do. You provided housing and offered a gradual entrance to adulthood.
I grew up in poverty. I worked part-time in high school to help fund after-school activities and car insurance so I wouldn’t have to take the bus. I saw how my parents had not had a good education and always lived paycheck to paycheck.
When I turned 18 I took out student loans, went to college, and worked part-time. This was around 2005 so costs were different then.
I think working with your son to enter the workforce and plan for his future is great.
It doesn’t sound like he has to go the traditional college route if he doesn’t want to. If he chooses that this isn’t going to work for him, then he will live with those consequences.” Italianzebe
9. AITJ For Agreeing With My Friend That She's Fat?
“I would like to preface this by saying that I’m very skinny, and I’ve suffered from body dysmorphia because of it for most of my life.
I’ve always had trouble gaining weight and am currently being closely followed by a doctor because I’m under the healthy weight, my friend knows this.
So my friend (27F) and I (26F) have been friends since college.
I consider her my closest friend, she’s the one I go to whenever I have a problem, and vice-versa.
About three days ago we were talking and she mentioned that she had met this guy (David) online and he’s been hinting at wanting to meet her.
I’ve heard about him extensively, I know they get along really well, and he seems like a good guy, so I was very excited for her to have found someone she likes. She, however, was apprehensive and thinking about ghosting him.
I tried my best to reassure her doubts (you’d get along great in real life too, of course, it’ll be awkward at first but you’ll move past it, you’ve been talking for months, he already likes you), but she just kept on ignoring me.
Eventually, she told me that it was because she doesn’t think he will like her appearance because she doesn’t find herself attractive. She told me she thinks she’s fat.
Now, I am no professional, but socially speaking, she’s on the bigger side.
I don’t know if it’s unhealthy for her because it’s none of my business but the fact is she’s not skinny. So my answer was “so what?” She seemed very shocked. She asked me if I thought she was fat and I answered honestly and told her she was but that’s not a problem.
“Fat” isn’t an insult, it’s just a body type, and it doesn’t mean she isn’t beautiful, because in my opinion, she’s gorgeous, and she shouldn’t let her intrusive thoughts get in the way of this.
I tried to empathize with her because even though my struggle with my body is at the opposite end of the spectrum, the basis is still the same: thinking someone won’t like you for being too skinny/too fat, not eating as a coping mechanism/binge eating as a coping mechanism, clothes never fitting properly.
I told her I understood where she was coming from but she shouldn’t let that get between her and David, to let herself maybe have a while longer to process the possibility of meeting, but not write it off altogether.
She got very quiet and made up some excuse to leave, then an hour later sent me a very long text saying she felt insulted by me calling her “fat” and agreeing with her when it was my job as her best friend to tell her she wasn’t fat.
She finished it by saying she’ll only talk to me after I apologize. I sent her a text and apologized for hurting her with the words I used. She said I had to apologize for calling her fat and indirectly saying she was ugly, and I said I wouldn’t be doing that because that’s not what I said.
She hasn’t talked to me since.
I honestly don’t know if I’m the jerk here because I don’t see this as an insult, but I could always be wrong and I’d like an unbiased opinion.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I could be your “fat” friend…and no, you’re kind of the jerk here.
I’ve been reading the comments here, and thanks to everyone who’s been saying, “you were just being honest, it’s not your fault she feels like that” when in REALITY, you are actually reinforcing every negative thought she’s had about herself.
Let’s all be real here – “fat” isn’t received the same way as “skinny” is. It isn’t. It may just be a “body type” TO YOU, but to society, and every inner voice inside of your best friend’s head right now, it means “worthless, ugly, lazy” and a whole bunch of other horrible things.
You said she shouldn’t let her “intrusive thoughts” get the better of her, but do you realize that you REINFORCED those intrusive thoughts? Like, I have a skinny BFF (sister at this point) too, and we’ve been friends for 15 years, and while I may have called myself fat, those words never have come out of her mouth in regards to me.
She has recognized that I’m bigger, but she understands the word “fat” and the negative impact that word has which is why she’s never used it.
I’ve seen a lot of people on this post say, “real friends tell you the truth, no matter how harsh.” But no one seems to call out how harsh truths for some can be considered incredibly cruel, especially when that cruelty is coming from someone you love.
The appropriate response, in your situation, would have been this, “you’re beautiful. Both inside AND out. David is a lucky guy, and I hope that whatever voices you have in your head that tell you that you aren’t worthy of a great guy because of what you look like, need to shut up because you’re an incredible human being.” Mella1204
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. Your friend went to you for support. You threw her a curveball. Although you might not think that ‘fat’ is a bad word, agreeing with her equated in your friend’s mind with saying she is unattractive.
As a person who has been at both ends, it is not really the same basis. Being skinny is socially accepted- which can be detrimental in the way that society starts praising you and giving you full permission to continue potentially unhealthy eating habits.
On the other hand, being fat often gets connotations of being lazy, poor-willed, unhealthy/not caring about your health, and other less-than-kind opinions. (I’m actually in better health being what society considers ‘fat’ than I was when I was rail-thin.
***** pressure, organ functions, strength, and other metrics that measure health are optimal. The only ‘unhealthy’ thing is my BMI. And that was never meant to be the prime metric for health.)
Yes, there are similarities between the two, but you oversimplified. Each comes with its own set of challenges.
The bottom line is, as it is with most things, you don’t get to decide what a word means to someone. You might think she should be liberated by ‘fat’ meaning a state of body, but she probably hears it in the way a person insults someone due to their size.” WormwoodInfusion
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If she can’t love herself, she’ll never find love with somebody else.
Friends are supposed to be honest with each other… a real friend won’t sugarcoat things. Her problems are deeper than “fat” if she’s expecting a friend to beat around the bush (or flat-out lie to her) for her own self-worth.
Her insecurities are going to ruin more than just your friendship. If she doesn’t want to be fat, then she’ll have to do the work to make that change – not ask people to lie to her for a self-esteem boost. Fat doesn’t mean ugly, which is something she’s going to have to accept.
I’ve been some degree of fat for most of my life, and I would be seriously disappointed in a friend trying to tell me I’m not. I love every inch of me, which made it easier to meet others who would too.” krazy_187
Another User Comments:
“Very gentle YTJ words can have social connotations, and not everyone will always be comfortable with being called them, and that’s okay. Think about ‘witch’ or ‘queer’ – the context and the person saying it matters.
‘Fat’ is a word often associated with being ugly or unwanted in a lot of people’s minds. Even if the two aren’t connected to you, it’s clear from the context that’s what your friend was feeling.
It might have been better to instead of focusing on the ‘fat’ aspect and affirming it, having just assured her she was beautiful and wanted.
Another thing – being ‘fat’ is very subjective within a certain range.
It’s a label that maybe it’s better to let people apply to themselves or not instead of applying it for them. If you lined up a row of women and asked 100 strangers to say which ones are fat and which ones aren’t, I doubt you’d get all the same answers.”
8. AITJ For Triggering My Wife With My Exercising Habits?
“My wife and I have struggled with weight our entire lives.
In our 30’s we both hit our optimum BMI. This required me to lose 185 pounds. Yes, 185. My wife had weight loss surgery and even a revision and exercised like a fiend.
Unfortunately, since then we never seemed to get back on the same page and do it at the same time.
The weight came back. Yes, we were doing it the right way. All nutritious whole foods. Exercising every day. Cardio and weights.
I am an emotional eater and watching my mother wither torturously and die over a 5-year period packed the weight back on.
This time my journey will be 140 pounds. Had a cardiac cath in December and had the wake-up call. Do it or die. I chose life. Fortunately, no angioplasty, no stent, worst plaque only in 1 artery was 25%.
I am presently at my halfway point. Down 70 pounds with perfect b***d work (finally). Again all diet and exercise. This brings me to my question. On my first weight loss, I was running 6 miles a day.
It broke me physically. All joints, my knees, my feet. Finally, I stopped from pain. So this time I took a different route. I bought a top-tier exercise bike and an Xbox. The routine is simple.
Get up @5am. I hop online and game until 8 am. The target each day is 3 hours. Sometimes it is a little more. Rarely less. My job is pretty flexible so there are days my wife bikes when it rains before I do.
This puts me past my traditional work time. We both work from home. Knowing my wife is struggling too, I never ask her about her exercise and I never mention my exercise to her.
We do take casual walks on the weekends.
My wife has started monitoring my exercise on the bike. She is continually making snide comments about me spending too much time on it. There was a point I could spend 5-6 hours on the bike.
I already have scaled down to honor her request once to 3 hours out of consideration.
As a goal, I did what is considered a biking marathon just so I could say that I did it.
(100 miles. Took 8.75 hours all in 1 day)
I intentionally don’t talk about my exercising. I thought building a routine would make her less focused on it. Unfortunately, I am still getting comments and judgments. Should I consider scaling back yet again to fewer hours to not “trigger” her feelings about her own exercise?
WIBTJ if I just ignored her request. Keep in mind, I am no longer in any physical pain and would likely spend the same amount of time gaming. Why not do it and burn some calories doing it?
It isn’t taking any time away from us. I think she wants to do the same herself, but her job is more demanding, so it is a sort of jealousy. She’s comparing her exercise to mine.
I am going out of my way to not engage with her. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wife’s issues are hers and hers alone. If she’s not putting in the same effort as you then that’s on her.
It doesn’t matter whether that’s her job, laziness, less drive, or whatever the reason. You continue to do what’s good and convenient for you. If her attitude proceeds then sit down and have a talk with her.
She should not be ruining your journey. 3 hours of biking isn’t crazy. I know a lot of people who go out riding around Los Angeles several days a week for that time if not longer as it’s their hobby.
Runners will go out for hours running. Swimmers swim. If you become obsessed with it like an addict then you’ll have to take a step back. Until that point? You’re good. Plus if you’re playing video games where you would just be sitting on a chair playing then I see no difference.” kcbrand5
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, NTJ, NTJ. You’ve found an exercise routine that is sustainable for you and that is a huge win! You should be so proud of yourself and your wife should be too.
If your exercise truly makes her this upset, unfortunately, that is an issue that begins and ends with her. Encourage her to seek therapy and do the internal work, so she can move past this obstacle.
Certainly do not cut back on exercise just to appease her feelings. She doesn’t have the right to ask you to sacrifice your health for the sake of her emotions. She’s an adult and she needs to figure out how to regulate them independently.” salmonberrycreek
Another User Comments:
“I would ignore her requests because it’s not about you, you are not doing anything wrong other than working out as best you can. You’re not responsible for her weight loss journey, only yours.
Besides, if you start back jogging/running, your wife will begin to make snide remarks about that. So just do you and ignore your wife’s remarks. Either she will get serious about her weight loss journey or not.
The only thing I would say you could possibly do is gently encourage your wife to find something that works for her.
NTJ.” Repulsive-Nerve5127
7. AITJ For Turning Off The Guest Wi-Fi On An Extended Family?
Time to cut the cord.
“I haven’t done this yet but I’m heavily considering it.
15+ people use our wifi on a daily basis. They used to be on the main network until things got too slow to function so we created a guest network for them to use to decrease our problem.
We pay the bills, so we should get our monthly pay worth. The people who use the guest network are an extended family who lives close by; uncles, aunts, cousins, etc. Only our immediate family have the main networks password bc we don’t trust it not to be leaked as it has many times before bc my extended family just gave the password out which made it even slower (20+ ppl were connected)
They’ve been using our wifi for 4 years and haven’t chipped in for anything. My uncle used to have his own wifi network but disabled it to use ours. It’s really not our fault that the wifi speed is slow.
We barely get what we pay for since we have a lot of issues from the back.
My extended family takes their anger out on us as a result. They constantly complain at us to increase the speed or to be connected to the main network.
It’s not just 1 person, it’s many. And it’s every other week which has started getting on my nerves. Every time I see my uncle, he talks to me about the wifi speed. My cousins come over every week to chill at our house unannounced and try to coax the main network’s password out of me.
I’m done with the passwords being leaked (too many occurrences. Plus someone managed to change our wifi password so we’re paranoid). After a while it gets annoying.
My mom is livid. She says they’re not paying for it and they can use what they get and that i should lower the speed or just shut the guest network.
They come to my mom about the speed too. And my sisters. And brother. All of us are mad.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If you are tech savvy, and have a good router, you could implement a rule that kicks every hour, so that they have to reapply for connection, and make sure to put the connection throttle to 250kb/s, that would make loading Google (simple enough) painfully slow.
Pretty much all social media would be unusable.
If not, then ask for 35 bucks every month for “Network maintenance fee,” that way, you could install a repeater.
Also, IF you do shut off the network for them, blacklist IP and MAC-addressees.” RemoteBroccoli
Another User Comments:
“Please rename the guest wifi “FreeloadersOnly.” If they complain (about name or speed), update it to “WhinyFreeloaders.”
Alternatively, consider a name like “TheFinalCountdown-[insert date here]” to serve as a reminder of their upcoming cyber eviction.
(Cut them off already!)
Judgment: NTJ.” RiverjackVVV
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Turn it off, and stop paying for it. Change your current password to the main. Just tell them no. If hundreds of bucks ends friendships every day of nonpayment, then the mooching family can kick a can.
It has probably cost a boatload to float the internet for so many people for so long. Inflation is a thing, and no, they lag your internet that you pay for, do not let them on your network again.
Change the name of your network to nofreenetwork. Or newwhodis?” Cheeky-Crane
6. AITJ For Beating My Wife's Highest Score On Tetris?
“Genuinely cannot believe this is where we’re at right now, but here we go. My wife and I have been married for a year.
we’re both 24.
Recently my wife downloaded a Tetris app on her phone. It’s not the greatest app; it’s chock-full of ads, but it at least seems like a faithful recreation of the game I played as a kid.
When I saw her playing it, I asked if I could give it a try. I lost fairly quickly. I thought I’d done pretty well, but I saw on the screen that I wasn’t even close to her high score.
She seemed quite proud of it and I commended her for it.
I then went and downloaded the app myself and played a few more times. A lot of the strategies I’d used as a kid started coming back to me, and I quickly beat her high score.
I screenshotted my hi-score and sent it to her. She immediately became very cold to me, and started telling me that I was being mean and that I should have “just let her have her own thing.” Now, personally, this felt a bit childish to me.
I could understand if I was rubbing it in and being a jerk about it, but I didn’t, all I’d done was send her a screenshot one time. But nonetheless, I didn’t say anything, I just apologized for hurting her feelings and moved on.
A few weeks go by, and by now she has beaten her old high score (and mine) a dozen times over. She often comes up to me and proudly shows me her new high score, and I try to commend and applaud her.
However, unbeknownst to her, one weekend I’d secretly played a bunch more and gotten a really high score. It was higher than anything either of us had even come close to before.
One afternoon she comes up and shows off a score that actually was pretty close to my own, but still not quite beating me.
I said “oh very nice!” but I guess I didn’t say it in a tone that sounded as impressed as usual, because she knew something was up.
She grilled me a bit and I admitted that I’d beat her score.
She storms out of my office and starts barraging me with angry DMs saying:
“Why can’t Tetris just have been my thing,” “Why did you have to make it a competition,” etc.
Initially, I tried to respond positively and be reassuring, saying things like “You were actually really close to my best, honestly I’m sure you can beat it” but she kept escalating things, saying that I ruined the game for her and was being rude.
Eventually, I told her she was being childish and that she should ask her friends what they think. She told me “have fun alone” and walked out, taking the dog with her. Her final message was “I’ll send someone to get my stuff eventually.”
Reasons I might be the jerk: I beat my wife’s score on a game I hadn’t played in a very long time and had only taken a renewed interest in after seeing her play it.
She felt like I was “refusing to let her just have her own thing.””
Another User Comments:
“NTJ in this particular situation, but her statement of “why can’t Tetris just have been my thing” tells me there were deeper issues at hand that she neglected to communicate to you, especially if she’s serious about leaving you over it.
If you can, try to have a conversation about what’s really going on and try to work out a compromise. If she’s already made up her mind, however, you’re better off moving on.” musical_dragon_cat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, mostly because her reaction is not normal. if you are genuinely shocked by this reaction, if it is genuinely out of character for her even considering previous fights, then she needs help.
There is clearly something wrong mentally for her to react like this and now you can either:
A. do the hard work of supporting your partner through the journey of managing mental health or
B. let her leave because you don’t want to deal with it.
Yall are married, I’d hope through sickness and health including mental health because something is clearly wrong. Enough where you came to the internet confused and distressed about her reaction.
You also pointed out she has a previous diagnosis of ADHD, it sounds like that’s a legitimate factor. Rejection-based dysphoria is common in ADHD and her reaction makes it seem like her symptoms have worsened and she needs help.
the fact that she has has issues with RBD in the past means this is likely an out-of-proportion reaction caused by a mental health issue. Her behavior was not an okay reaction, but you know her better than anyone online, and if this is super out of the left field, I’d be more concerned about her mental well-being than anything else.” creepturehijinx
Another User Comments:
“ESH. I’m assuming that she has other issues with you and this was just the straw that broke the camel’s back, but how could you have misplayed this that badly?
The first round of you playing on your phone and beating her high score and her getting disproportionately upset.
That was your wake up call and you missed it. You should have worked on the “Honey, what’s really bothering you?” then. At the bare minimum, you should have uninstalled the game then. She told you she needed to have one thing.
Dude, you screwed up.” JazzyKnowsBest13
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to say ESH, though her more than you.
She’s obviously being childish about this, to an extreme. So she’s a jerk for that.
But you were also being childish because it sounds like you did also see it as a competition.
Sending her a screenshot of your higher score that first time was already a bit odd, but then your half-hearted praise meant you felt her score wasn’t that good because you had gotten higher – thus, you felt that you were better and had “won” so far.
That’s competition.
Regardless, I find it very hard to believe someone would break up over this… so my guess is there’s something else going on that you either don’t see or aren’t telling us.
Maybe she’s truly just nuts, but we can’t know from just this post.” witcher_rat
5. AITJ For Reading My Wife's Private Work Behind Her Back?
“My wife (40f) and I (32m) have known each other for 11 years, married for 6. Our oldest (15f), who we’ll refer to as Leah, has a nonexistent biological father.
We also have a set of twins, both girls and aged 7. For context, I own a business and my wife does all the office work from billing, to advertising, to payroll, and so on.
We have a home office, specifically just for her. She’s been a writer since high school and even has a degree in it.
One night after work, I went to go check over some documents.
My wife was working on a piece of advertisement for the company which was still up on her computer. She was downstairs making dinner, I decided to take a look at the progress. As I searched for the documents, I noticed a minimized file that caught my attention because of the title.
Soon as I began reading, I realized this was not one of her fictionalized creative writings. It was actually about our family and her deeply rooted hatred that I never knew existed.
The part that disturbed me the most, a direct quote: “Our family is far from perfect.
Although, we could have been the picture-perfect family had I just given up the parasite that is the now the bane of my existence. To the next person that claims she is my spitting image, don’t be offended when I ask about your choice of substances.
Her crooked smile is fake, her voice like nails on a chalkboard. I would hide with a face like that.”
As I continued reading, it became more than apparent she was referring to Leah with what I can only describe as seething hatred. I tried convincing myself this had to be fiction.
There’s no way she really felt that way about Leah. If she does, then she’s a master con artist.
I didn’t immediately say anything, I slept on it and kept questioning myself as to why I never noticed this before.
I ended up confronting her the next day. She became unhinged at the fact that I was snooping through her writing. She’s never had a problem with me reading her work. Honestly, I wouldn’t have said anything had it not pertained to our family.
I straight out asked why does she hate Leah so much, what has she done to deserve this. My wife adamantly said it wasn’t about her, or our family. The details dropped as hints though suggested otherwise.
It wasn’t coincidental, and why even think to write something like that in the first place. I asked her if she even loves Leah, she lost it on me and said I was a ‘dumb craphead’ for not only snooping but for insinuating that she hates her child.
I persistently kept prying to get answers. She finally asked, “Why does this bother you so much? Why are you taking it as a personal insult as if she’s your own child?” That pretty much answered my question, although she’s still firm on her word that it wasn’t about Leah.
To answer her question, I care because Leah is a human being with emotions. I see her no different than I see my twins.”
Another User Comments:
“I’m conflicted, but I’m leaning more towards YTJ.
Writing is extremely personal. I’m a writer. My SO knows about the stuff I have out in public, and they know that if it’s not public, they’re not welcome to it, even if it’s open on my computer.
I would be furious at the blatant disregard of my most personal space.
Writing is also therapeutic. My therapist has me write out my worst, darkest, most intrusive thoughts when I’m in a bad headspace.
Things that would have my family in tears. Things that I would never voice and never act out, but are there because of mental illness.
You do not know what that writing is for, but either way, you were not welcome to read it.
That’s why she’s livid.
I am saying this, though, knowing there is a whole lot of missing information. I don’t know your family dynamic, I’m just going off how you presented the situation.” The-Hive-Queen
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. There’s never really a scenario where snooping through someone’s private writing are a good thing. Even if you find something incriminating, it’s not something you should do in the first place.
So as for the writing itself…As someone who does creative writing, it is true that you often take minor annoyances and exaggerate them, using them as world-building details to give your story a sense of depth.
Maybe she has had some doubts about her daughter. Maybe she is annoyed people constantly say they look alike. And she’s taken these details or explored these feelings through the persona of a bitter woman.
Or, conversely, she wanted to write about a bitter woman and has used details from her own life as world-building. I’ve done this before. If you read some of my work and new my family history, you’d probably think I despised certain family members.
So I’m not saying there aren’t any personal feelings or details in this story, but if your wife hasn’t given you any other reason to doubt her parenting towards her daughter, I would be wary about taking this at full face value.
I am very concerned about her asking you why you care. It sounds like you’ve been in your stepdaughter’s life for a very long time, so ofc you’d be concerned.” Charming-Barnacle-15
Another User Comments:
“Though one here. YTJ for reading her personal document that was not intended for you. NTJ for confronting her about these feelings that she has toward her daughter. It appears that her anger has nothing to do with her daughter but the fact that Leah is a constant reminder of her father.
What do you know about the father other than the fact that he is nonexistent? My first instinct in reading this is that Leah may be the result of an assault. Whatever the circumstance, you need to encourage your wife to talk to someone about this.
You can’t unknow what you now know. Good luck with it.” AttentionRoyal2276
Another User Comments:
“ESH. She has written something concerning that may be about your family. But it also may be fiction. It may be venting her feelings in a format that she can then process and distill more accurately.
(If anyone read my journal where I put down all my angry feelings, I think they would send the authorities.) You suck because you have no context for this writing; why? Because it’s private.
You snooped in her private writing in a file you admit was not the focus of your task. And now you’re blaming her for something you read that you don’t understand and expect her to justify.
That’s crappy of you.” SceneNational6303
4. AITJ For Refusing To Babysit So My Mom And Her Partner Can Attend A Wedding?
“I (16f) live with my dad. I have ever since I was 13 and my mom started getting serious with her husband.
The reason I chose to live with my dad is my mom was not the best mom to me after her divorce from my dad. She was really not focused on me. Never showed up to any parent conferences at my school, always forgot to take me to my extra curricular’s (some I didn’t even like but she insisted on me doing prior to divorce), and would always tell me she was busy when I needed something.
She was around a lot at the time too so I know some of that factors in. At least a little. But generally, I feel like she stepped way back. Which left my dad to step up and do it all and he really came through for me.
Then during this time, she starts seeing her husband who came with three of his own little kids, and once I saw her make an effort with them, I was out. She had shown she could still be interested if she wanted to be but not with me.
I was 13 by the time we went back to court over it. I still have to see my mom sometimes but I don’t have to live with her.
Our relationship is as distant as ever.
But now she and her husband have been invited to a wedding out of state. They wanted me to come over on a Friday after school and stay with them through to Sunday morning.
They said they would leave change, contact numbers for emergencies, etc. But that as the kids’ big sister (and I’m not, technically stepsiblings but we’re strangers), and as part of the family, they figured I should do it.
I said no way. Mom told me she was telling me to do it as a parent. Her husband said I owed them. I laughed and told them I owed them nothing and that Mom was not much of a parent to me.
They said I was being bratty and that their request was fair as being part of a family. My mom’s husband even said they could just insist on mom getting that weekend with me.
I said with mom not being here I could leave and what would his precious little kids do all on their own.
Mom said I was being very unfair and that saying no came across as very vindictive of my family.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ completely. These kids are strangers to you, and asking a 16-year-old to take care of THREE kids for an entire weekend is over the top even if you were close.
Stand by your ‘no’. Don’t go. Get your dad’s support if needed. You are absolutely not doing anything wrong here.
Also, btw, your mom’s “time” is for you to spend with your mom. You’re exactly right that if she leaves (for more than errands, normal work schedule), you do not have to be there.
However, if they manage to dump the kids on you, call family (or even CPS/cops) first to be sure the kids are safe before you go.” Tangerine-Bouquet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, tell her the courts decided she wasn’t fit to be your parent and that’s why you live full-time with your dad.
So she can’t use the parent line on you.
Tell her you are not related to those children, that they are her responsibility, not yours, and that you will not take on risks for young children you don’t know for that many nights.
Tell her also that your time is worth pay, and you’d charge full rates of a normal babysitter to babysit anyone and charge per child. And then tell her if she continues to harass you that you will block her
Tell your dad so he can sort it out with her.
And if you end up in a situation where you are forced – you call CPS and say you have been left with the kids without your consent and you refuse to take on responsibility and that the parents have left them and they need to be collected because you are a minor and haven’t given permission to look after them and their parents have left.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is not unusual for a parent (mother or father) to turn into a huge b****y idiot after a divorce. Excited to be out of a crappy marriage and finally have some freedom.
The problem is some of them forget that they are still a parent and that’s the priority. That sounds like your mother.
Maybe she is willing to build a relationship again and if you are this is a start.
However, it doesn’t sound that way as both she nor her new husband don’t have a clue. They both sound like horrible people who are extremely entitled.
Without getting angry flat out tell your mother why you feel the way you do.
If she doesn’t want to listen and reflect on her behavior then you can very easily guilt-free go very low contact or no contact at all. Her new husband and his kids aren’t your family, they are hers.
If she wants to have any sort of relationship she needs to grow up.
It’s an unreasonable ask and I’m sorry you have a crappy mom. Very happy you have a good dad though.
Don’t get pushed around or bullied by this insane woman just because she’s your mother.” Flashy_Ferret_1819
3. AITJ For Being Mad At My Sister-In-Law For Giving My Baby His First Haircut Without My Permission?
“My husband (35M) and I (34F) have 3 sons (3 years, 11 months x 2 – twins). We recently had birthdays and treated each other to hotel stays without the children. My family watched our boys for the stay I planned for him and his family watched the boys for the stay he planned for me.
My MIL’s house is often praised for being a sanctuary and safe place and I had zero worries about the boys staying there with his mom (73F) and 2 sisters (approx late 30s early 40s Fs) I know they love the boys very much.
(Neither auntie has kids or has been married.)
The problem is, when we picked up the boys, our smallest twin boy had his hair cut. (And not very well). I asked if they cut his hair and all was silent.
One of the aunties then proclaimed it was her fault – no one else’s and it wasn’t a cut, it was just a little trim. But totally on her. (No apology.)
I had a feeling she may have cut his hair because she had sent a photo of them looking out a window earlier that morning and his hair looked off.
My husband was irritated with me for mentioning it at first, but then said he would have my back and understood my fear. We both told ourselves surely, they wouldn’t do such a thing.
One of the 3 adults would have said no, don’t cut the baby’s hair… right?
My husband is super worried about being cut off from his family and causing a scene so I just responded with “I guess he just got his first haircut at G’s” (and again got reminded, it was just a trim).
Not wanting to ’cause a scene,’ I took the boys and changed their diapers, and got them ready to go home.
When we got home and the hair spray they had styled the boys with wore off, I could truly see the damage done….and I cried. I cried because of how terrible it looked and I cried because we were wanting to let their hair grow out and that decision was taken from us.
We also wanted to keep the locks of the first haircut, but that was lost as well.
I cried alone in our bathroom because I didn’t want to upset my husband or the kids, but I was genuinely hurt and felt so disrespected.
The next morning, my husband and I ended up getting into a fight and I told him how disrespectful it was for his family to have cut our son’s hair, without permission, and without apology.
He swears his sister apologized and then proceeded to talk to me about how rude my family is so I have no room to talk…..
Then he angrily called his sister and shoved his phone at me saying I needed to tell her how I felt.
So I did. I told her I cried when we got home and I was just really hurt that she cut his hair.
She then proceeded to tell me she was sorry but it wasn’t malicious and I could cut her firstborn’s hair if it was that big a deal and told me I could be sad, but my feelings are unproductive…..
I thanked her and hung up.
Hubby grabbed his phone back and stormed out the door.
AITJ?
UPDATE
SIL just called to apologize again because I told my husband she would not be watching our kids unsupervised (without me or him – his sisters and mom don’t count as supervision) unless I get a genuine apology.
She proceeded to tell me she is genuinely sorry BUT she thinks I am overreacting and doesn’t understand why I’m so upset. She said she wouldn’t have done it if she knew I was going to get so emotional and make such a big deal about it and she is not responsible for my feelings and doesn’t want me to use her mistake as an excuse to drive a wedge between our family.
She said she will never understand how I feel but is sorry.
She doesn’t know what else I want from her and that she’s sorry if she took a mom moment away from me or something…..but again, she will take responsibility for the action of trimming his hair, but will not take responsibility for my feelings.
I told her she had no domain in my feelings, my home, or my marriage and that I know my son’s hair will grow back and he will have more haircuts. I’m not trying to drive a wedge and I still love her and my son and that maybe, when she actually has a kid of her own, she will be able to empathize with me more about what transpired. Until then, I accept the apology.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The whole your emotions are unproductive and aren’t their responsibility narrative is ridiculous. Acknowledging that your actions hurt another person is part of a real apology. Telling you that you’re overreacting is a way of trying to avoid the consequences of their actions and diminish your needs.
You are mom, you get to dictate which childhood moments are important to you and be sad if you missed out on one.
How hard would it have been to pick up the phone and call you or text to say the kid’s hair is getting in his eyes can I trim them?
Also if you’re going to do it, do it right, and don’t mess up his hair.
How hard would it be for your husband to acknowledge that even if this wasn’t important to him, it clearly is important to you and have some compassion and empathy?
And why would he call his sister and force you to tell her how you feel? His and his sister’s actions escalated this situation, not yours. You didn’t even get a chance to fully process the situation and what you wanted to do before he started forcing action steps.” puzzlepiecehunter
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for expecting your in-laws to respect your parenting decisions and your kids’ bodily autonomy, for expecting them to ask before making decisions for your kids, for expecting them not to lie to you, and for expecting them to
NOT USING HAIR SPRAY ON A LITTLE KID because there’s absolutely no reason to.
Also for expecting them to respect that they made you upset. If you punch your sister and tell her that her feeling hurt is her own problem, she’d be outraged. She stomped all over your extremely reasonable boundaries and tells you to just get over it?
I am concerned that your husband is ok with all of this and shrugs it off. You are very reasonably upset, and you’ve done your best to handle it like an adult. He needs to have your back.
Your son’s autonomy is not less important than his sister’s desire to use a child as a dress-up doll, to be styled to her wishes.” allyearswift
Another User Comments:
“Wow, guess I have to break with everyone.
YTJ. Let me explain. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be upset, nor am I saying you don’t deserve an apology. You do. But you need to realize life is like this.
You don’t always get what you want. People make mistakes, it’s how you adjust that is important. Your sister-in-law made a mistake. She didn’t think it was a big deal. But you let her know it was.
All fine to here. She apologized profusely after, I know you don’t want to accept it but she did. It’s time to let bygones be bygones. Give her a shorter leash next time and let her rebuild trust. Yeah, you missed a lot of “firsts,” but as I said, this is life.
Your kids could have caused as much damage. She knows she messed up. Make sure she knows that you don’t want her to repeat them and let it go.” LongjumpingFly1848
2. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Fiance's Mom For Wanting To Care For Him After His Surgery?
It seems like something the wife should be doing.
“My fiancé (36m) and I (32f) have been together for over three years, and we plan to get married in 2024. We have a great relationship with a lot of support for each other, have open communication, and are genuinely best friends.
He had a nasty fall over a year ago, and now his shoulder dislocates itself whenever he is being active. After a lot of waiting and referrals, he was finally able to go to a specialist to get surgery to fix it.
He’s really close to his family. Like really close. They are the kind of family that talk to each other on the phone for hours, have multiple trips a year where everyone stays in the same house, and are always heavily involved with each other.
All this is fine, but I sometimes feel they don’t respect boundaries. Especially the mother (70f), who doesn’t take no for an answer, infantilizes my fiancé and enjoys babying him to a level that makes me a little uncomfortable.
Here lies the issue. I’ve been supportive of my fiancé this whole time, going to doctor’s appointments, been reassuring, everything. When my fiancé told his parents about the surgery, the mom immediately said she was coming and staying with us for “as long as necessary” to care for my fiancé.
I already had work approve PTO for the surgery date and arranged to work from home for two weeks to take care of him. The doctor said it was a minor surgery with a quick recovery time.
Recovery will just be resting and not moving his arm and shoulder for a couple of weeks. Otherwise, he can do everything as he usually would. I’m prepared to cook, do the chores, and be home to help him out.
I feel the mom inviting herself will create more work for me since I’ll have to care for two instead of just one person. She won’t have a car while visiting, and she can barely walk due to her weight and bad knees.
Also, I feel that by coming here, she’s undermining our relationship and communicating that I’m incapable of taking care of him.
I had already expressed to my fiancé that her coming to care for him made me uncomfortable and that instead, I would prefer she come over a month later just to visit him.
He doesn’t seem to understand why I find it awkward and says things like, “I think it a mother taking care of her son is good,” and similar things that make me feel guilty and insane for feeling that way.
I insisted he ask her not to come, to say that we have it handled but that we would enjoy her visiting some other time. He thinks I’m being unreasonable and is mad at me for asking him to do this, but I just want us to be a normal couple and rely on each other as we get ready to spend the rest of our lives together.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ; perhaps NTJ. If he’s the one having surgery, what he wants should take precedence. However, I’d have a serious talk with him about your paid time off and work from home options.
If your significant other has his mother there to take care of him (which is his current choice), you may choose to go into your office while your future mother-in-law is there; does he need the both of you with him?
Let him decide what he’d prefer and be supportive of either choice, but if his mom comes, make sure that you aren’t having to take on the care and feeding of them both.” slowbyrne76
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, though I don’t think she means to undermine your relationship. Based on ages, she had your fiancé a bit later in life and she, I think, is extra protective and babies him.
I think it’s worth a long talk with your fiancé. I’ve seen mothers move in for a short period to take care of a friend’s husband after surgery, and I think it was natural on her part to want to be a part of his support system.
However, it doesn’t make sense because you already have a plan in place. You both being home 24/7 is redundant. Maybe specify a number of days so she doesn’t feel cut off from him?
Like, if his surgery is on a Friday, invite her for the weekend ONLY, and be very clear (both you and fiancé) that it is a limited stay because otherwise, it would be an imposition.
Maybe say that you feel overwhelmed having company and she’s family, but you were raised to host a certain way, etc. Just make sure your fiancé is 100% on board with the boundary.
You seem to care about his mom even if you are annoyed by some of her actions, so I think that compromise might be helpful!” Immediate_Refuse_918
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This isn’t cool. He’s 36 and you made all that effort to take care of him. Honestly, I would thank him for inviting his mom, cancel your paid time off, and work in the office.
Let her take care of him all alone and let them figure everything out.
If he gets upset, point out that it is what he wanted and it allows you to keep your paid time off for a personal vacation since you aren’t needed. His handling of your response has already been and will continue to say a lot about your future relationship.
You want a husband he wants to be a momma’s boy. He needs to decide, at 36, what he wants more going forward. Does he want an awesome and supportive wife or his mommy?
Time to nip this in the bud.” sjohnson7645
Another User Comments:
“ESH. He needs to set boundaries with his mom, but her coming to help her son doesn’t take away from you two being a normal couple nor relying on each other.
I feel like you’re trying to prove to her and everyone else you can take care of him and it shouldn’t be about that. Ultimately if your fiancé wants her there, then you should respect his decision.
He’s the one having surgery, not you, so it should really be up to him.” lisainpurgatory
1. WIBTJ For Filing An Insurance Claim Against An Uninsured Driver Over A Door Dent Caused By Her Child?
“This evening, I was at the grocery store when I returned to my car after I was done shopping.
Once I loaded all of my bags into my car, I was sitting in the car doing some things on my phone before I was about to start driving and leave.
Meanwhile, a car pulled up next to my spot—then a kid opened one of the back doors which dinged my door, which I heard very loudly.
I immediately got out of my car and let the driver know that her child dinged my door.
We came over to look at the damage that was caused, and there was now a very noticeable dent on my otherwise pristine car.
I asked her for her insurance, and she claimed that it was no big deal and tried to walk away. I stopped her, and immediately started recording the encounter—I managed to get footage of her license plate, the damage, and her acknowledging that her child caused it during the course of us talking to each other.
While still recording, I told her that if she leaves, I will be submitting a claim with my insurance along with this video and that they will likely pursue her for the damages. She immediately started panicking and confessed that she has no insurance whatsoever, all while I was still recording.
She got on her knees and started begging me not to give this footage to my insurance company. Now, her children have started crying as well.
I told her that I am not willing to pay for her irresponsibility and that my insurance company needs this footage so that I can make sure that my claim is filed correctly.
She was still on her knees begging me to turn off the camera, completely unaware that she is simply digging herself further into a hole with all of these confessions that I am recording.
At this point, a number of people have started to gather around the spectacle. She continued to plead with me, telling me that she can barely afford to feed her children and that she definitely can’t afford to be sued by my insurance company.
I told her that she should have thought about that before she decided to drive without insurance.
A few people around me started to side with her, with one person calling me a spoiled kid with a BMW (I’m 24 by the way).
I told him that maybe someday he can have one too if he works hard and earns the savings for it because I worked for everything I own.
Afterward, I got in my car and left to go home.
I’m getting ready to file my claim right now, and wanted to hear your input as to whether I would be a jerk if I gave this footage with the uninsured driver’s license plate along with her confessions to my insurance company, who may choose to go after her for the charges.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She probably lied about not having insurance based on past experience. Your insurance company can find that out. If not, don’t drive without insurance. Probably lied about feeding her kids too.
In my experience, those who have no insurance will be very polite and apologetic. Then try to come up with a payment plan. There are consequences to actions. Personally, I wouldn’t care about a dent, but that doesn’t mean others don’t.
Her kid hit your car and she’s financially responsible.” PhysicsTeachMom
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, just because you seem to have made about how much of a sadist and drama queen you were being, not about the car or being a jerk or not.
You just wanted to brag about putting someone you see as “lesser” for being poor or a mother or whatever it is about her that stuck in your craw, maybe it’s that she didn’t apologize for her child.
You are the jerk, not for the claim, but because you made it about emotionally tormenting a woman… personally, I have a feeling you’re a sadist and a bully.” Obsessed_Til_Death
Another User Comments:
“I’m just curious, does the ding really mean that much to you? From what I can tell it is a part of being a car owner. At some point in time, your car will be dinged. And while BMWs are high end l feel like they’re really not that exclusive.
It could be where I live, but BMWs are fairly common, and so are busted-up Fords and Toyotas. I’ve also seen a fair amount of Teslas, Mercedes, and Audis. Ferrari and Alpha Romeros are a little more rare.
So, I just can’t see a BMW being that big of a deal. I was always of the opinion that if it got you from point A to point B and didn’t break down you were good.
BMW is just a status symbol.
I’d also like to know how old the kid was. Because if we’re talking older than a toddler and under the age of 10, seriously you need a life.
Final question, doesn’t reporting trivial things like this make your insurance premiums go up? Would it really be worth it in the long run?” CuriousosityKilldCat
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
The mother for dismissing damage she caused to someone else’s property and then expecting you to pay for it.
Then to get on her hands and knees to beg and make a spectacle, put you in an awkward situation.
The bystanders for expecting you to forgive this and taking her side based on her financial situation.
You for going with the spectacle and talking about your own financial situation vs their situation.” sejame85
