People Want To Be Sure That They're Blameless In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Not Allowing My Deceased Husband's Family To Spend Time Alone With My Son?
“My (F34) husband and I were married for ten years before he passed away last year. We have a four-year-old son.
My husband was from a religious family that honestly always seemed to be kind of cult-like to me.
His father passed away when he was young and he has a mother and sister, both of whom had cut him out of the family when he decided not to practice their religion anymore.
They were invited to our wedding but refused to attend because it was not going to be in their church (it could not be because we were both not practicing that religion or living by their ‘words of wisdom’).
They had only ever been cruel to me and my husband and only ever spoke to us to try to convert us. They said horrible things to us throughout our marriage and about our child.
When my husband passed, they did not come to his funeral and did not reach out to me.
Recently, his mom and sister have reached out asking to see my son. I have told them that they are welcome to see him but that I do not want him growing up with any religious bias so they cannot talk to him about their religion or try to convert him.
They promised me and I allowed it. After spending a day with the sister, he came home, and although he had a good time he told me she offered to take him to church and he wanted to go.
I called her and we argued. She said the church is a big part of her life and she can’t just not bring it up and if he’s interested it’s his right to learn about it.
The thing is my husband had horror stories about growing up in that church and wouldn’t have wanted it for our child. I told them if they want to see him again it will only be under my supervision.
They were very upset and claim I’m a bad mom for not letting my son decide for himself what he wants and a bigot for not allowing him to learn about their religion. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The kid’s four. That’s not remotely old enough to ‘decide for himself’ when it comes to learning about religion, and they know it. Besides, it doesn’t really matter what the disagreement is about: you had a condition, they broke it, and they’ve made it clear they never had any intention of taking your wishes seriously.
At this point, you being willing to consider fostering any kind of relationship at all is generous, and they really shouldn’t be pushing their luck.” mm172
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – YOU are the parent, not them.
Your husband dropped them from his life for valid reasons. You had a rule and they purposely broke it.
Actions have consequences and theirs will be no time alone with him, or else no time with him period.
You get to dictate what your child is exposed to, not them. They can ruin their own kids (and apparently did as much with your husband).
Honestly, they sound suspect and exhausting. I’d bet a dime dollar they will trample every single boundary you (and your husband) decided for your kids.
It will become a game of sneakiness and seeing how to get away with things and secrets to ‘not tell your mother’. I know they might be the remaining b***d relatives on that side, but they are showing you exactly who they are as people.
Believe them. Don’t put yourself or your son through this. Plus they are treating you like you as his MOM don’t get to make rules. Overall just bad people. Disengage and let them spread their poison elsewhere.” C_Alex_author
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You flat out told them no discussing religion or trying to convert him. They agreed then did it anyway.
They didn’t want to reach out for his funeral. Now they’re reaching out out of the blue to convert your son.
You have every right to want to supervise the visits. You even have the right to cut contact. They had one chance and blew it.” Starfish-1982
20. AITJ For Being Excited To Go On A Work Trip?
“My (42F) husband (45M) gave me a lecture about being too excited (I have literally hidden my feelings because he is hypersensitive but I guess he correctly assumed I’m excited) about a paid-for work trip to Mexico in April.
He said I told a friend once I couldn’t wait to ‘get away’ from him and our 3 children (6,9,11) for a break. I work out of our home full time and do 95% of parenting (drop off, pick up, sign-ups, dr appointments, transportation to activities, birthdays, Christmas presents, etc…) And I AM excited about a break, I think I deserve it but have had to hide it, apparently not well enough.
He said that when he goes on work trips he wishes we could all come and I should feel the same way. He justified this lecture as his attempt to ‘share his feelings’ but it felt a lot like shaming.
And I just take it, I nod and agree to be more considerate, because what else can you say when someone feels they are right and you are obviously the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Oh, wow! I am stoked for you and I hope you absolutely SHINE during the work-related parts of the trip and that you thoroughly enjoy the off hours. Rest, sun, maybe a little too much booze the last night, and nobody talking to you but grown people you aren’t related to!
Odds are that nobody will even randomly demand that you find their other shoe.
Your husband is a complete weenie. It’s a crying shame that he doesn’t feel competent to manage without you for less than a week.
Just about everyone wants a break from their day-to-day life now and then, especially in a situation like yours where there’s basically no separation between your professional and personal life.
Don’t pack a swimsuit – buy yourself a new one when you get there.” rapt2right
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This isn’t him shaming you for needing a break. This is him panicking because he will be left with responsibilities that you’ve taken on solo that he should have shared with you the entire time.
It’s a shame that you even see a work trip as a vacation. I hope you are able to take some time to yourself to remember that you are more than a wife, a mom, or a career-focused individual. You have needs for yourself that go beyond any of that, and those needs deserve just as much attention.” SpiritFingazz
19. AITJ For Sending My Sister-In-Law's TikTok Videos To The Family Group Chat?
“When I (28f) first met my sister-in-law Anne (30) I heard about her having a TikTok account based around her looking after her old/disabled cats but don’t use TikTok so I never checked it out.
That was until my husband’s niece asked to meet for coffee to talk. At first, she asked me how I was doing mentally and what I had against my brother’s partner, Anne.
I was beyond clueless because I thought we (me & Anne) were ok relationship wise, now don’t get me wrong I haven’t spoken to her much because I’m extremely busy but other than that I couldn’t think of anything.
She pulled out her phone and showed me multiple TikToks of Anne telling her followers about me and my family. I’ll just list a few things:
- My mother being so bad they had to get a restraining order against her.
- I demanded my kids play with her cats and had a tantrum when she said no. I’m a nurse so you know I’ve seen what happens when kids mistreated animals.
- I’m dependent on my brother and demand he gives me all his time/money.
- I and my mother call everything she does in life shameful because she’s not modest or religious like us.
- The last and worse is that I’m anti-everything thing which as a nurse could have cost me my job.
I ended up making an account, downloaded all the videos, and sent them to the family group chat. You can imagine what happened next but instead of giving an answer both my brother and SIL blocked everyone.
Anyone in my family who had the app followed her ‘cat’ account but was blocked on her main, my cousin ended up making a TikTok debunking her videos but her account was already gone.
My brother ended up calling me screaming down the phone about his partner having an anxiety attack and I should have come to them first. Apparently, he said she makes up those stories for views so she can become a creator and it also helps with her anxiety.
He said if anything ever got out of hand they would go on the record about it being made up.
Update – I’ve talked to the Chief Nursing Officer and showed her the TikTok, she basically laughed at the obvious lies and like many people here told me to take some kind of legal action so if someone tries to ‘cancel’ me I’d have a paper trail proving the lies that my coworker/medical info couldn’t.
I’ve told my brother this and I also said I want sister in law to make a TikTok saying everything was false.
My SIL refused to do anything even tried to get my cousin’s TikTok account banned for bullying and said we are causing her emotional distress.
Her relationship with my family is over because when the aunties turn against you in my culture that’s it there’s no coming back. Brother and Anne are now trying to make themselves the victim but have yet to come back to social media.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And I think I’ve seen those TikToks. Girl… you need to have a serious chat with your brother about libel slander. TikTok has quite a cult mentality, and for a while (probably still, I’m not there as much anymore) there were quite a few Drs and nurses and pharm techs that were putting professionals with different views in the medical field on blast to everyone who would listen to get them fired. And as we all know, the internet lives forever.
If they could figure out who you were (and even this 55-year-old retired mom can navigate my way to finding people online), you actually COULD have been fired. I’m sorry, but she is a GINORMOUS jerk as is your brother, and he’s obviously covering up for her pathological lies.
It really is, in this case, libel and slander. Geez. Hope you saved the videos.
Also… thank you for being a nurse. I still applaud you and hope you stay well and safe.” Ok_Advance_2665
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – lying for online clout may seem like a trivial and common thing but the thing is – they’re out there for everyone to see. If anyone recognized you/others as being her SIL or aunt or whatever – they’re going to think those things about you because of what she’s said!
Also, the ‘Entitled Mother Demands Her Children Play With My Cat and That Is Animal Mistreatment’ is such a cliche trope for the internet that it guarantees followers, but it also means people are going to think of you as that sort of person, which is horrible considering your work.
Finally, it wouldn’t have been much of a problem if she wrote it with a pen name or even tweeted it from alt accounts, but the whole thing about TikTok is that it generally shows your name/face/etc – so she was not just sharing stories about ‘haha crazy family huh’, she was specifically saying these things about you as individuals.” L*************i
Another User Comments:
“Omg NTJ at allllll.
‘Also, if anything ever got out of hand they would go on the record about it being made up.’
No, she would not. That would tank her reputation that she won by being manipulative and dishonest in the first place.
Not only would that be counterproductive for her, but she also does NOT seem like the kind of person who would be honest for integrity’s sake. And as I mentioned, she’s clearly long since traded integrity for TikTok fame so why the heck would that change later?
If anything this shows us she will always value fame over honesty/the reputations of the people who she’s defaming.
Also, it’s ALREADY gotten out of hand – it’s coming back to OP and affecting the family’s impression of OP already, not to mention it could have cost her her entire professional reputation and career.
Sure it could be righted later by telling everyone the SIL lied but this comes down to a he-said/she-said and this is already turning what should have been a factual case into a super grey area that no one will be able to sort through.
And what about the people who just don’t believe OP? Why should OP even have to be in a situation where they have to defend themselves against false charges and there’s a significant chance they still won’t be believed?
Why should OP HAVE to go around trying to clarify this? How about SIL just doesn’t lie/spread lies about people?
Reputational damage can be EXTREMELY long-lasting and difficult (if not impossible) to fix.
What will OP do if they can never practice in their field again? Medical (esp nursing) is a field where you’re dealing with very vulnerable populations so something like this could absolutely do irreparable damage to OP’s career.
The absolute immaturity being displayed by SIL here is astounding and I would seriously consider going low contact or no contact with your brother and SIL. How can you not only do something this crazy but then DOUBLE DOWN on it too?
I would be so ashamed of even trying to defend myself saying ‘I needed attention so I ruined your reputation and possibly life. Oops. Feel bad for me now and give ME sympathy or you’re a jerk’.
NTJ OP but your brother and SIL are… something else.” User
18. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be A Parent To A Child I Can't Love?
“So I (41M) am a bit of a robot. Don’t want to get too into it but there was abandonment and other issues growing up and I kind of went emotionally numb as a child and I don’t really love.
I can care about something and there are people who matter to me but love isn’t something I feel. I know intellectually that I am happier with friends and my dog but I enjoy them not love them.
Even my partner who I feel lucky to have and whose company I enjoy so much, I feel admiration, respect, and attraction, I think the world of her but don’t love this objectively amazing woman (she’s explained her side to me but I still don’t get why she’s with me).
So I was recently contacted by a son (8) I didn’t know I had. His mother rightly assumed I would make a poor parent and didn’t tell me and always gave him vague answers so he wasn’t sure if I knew and didn’t want to be there or if I ‘was so awful’ that she hadn’t told me.
He wanted to meet and while apprehensive I agreed; he seemed sweet and thoughtful, a little sad, his mom is doing well and his uncle has been his male influence. He was hoping to have a relationship, it’s obvious that he wants me to be a father to him, and while I feel obligated to help (I told his mom I want to send funds, offered to pay for his extracurriculars, and suggested therapy which I’ll pay for) that is all I can offer him.
Kids deserve love and won’t understand I’m broken and it’s not his fault, and I worry if I was around him he’d realize I don’t love him and no kid should feel unloved by a parent.
I figure absent is better than present but unloving. Ex seemingly agreed I wasn’t a good presence around him but just before New Year she called and said he wanted to come over either 31st or 1st for the new year.
I reminded her she said I wouldn’t be any good for him and she said she still thought that but he really wanted it, but I told her she was right it was a bad idea for us to give him the false hope that I could be the father he wants since no child wants someone there for logistics only with no love.
I told her if he really still wants we can have a sort of a pen pal/occasional talk-on-the-phone relationship, though I don’t get why he’d want that. She asked don’t I care about him, I said I do in the sense that he’s a child and I want all children to be cared for, and I feel an obligation to him because he is my child, but I don’t, and can’t love him.
My ex said I’m a jerk for not wanting more of a relationship with him, and my partner thinks if I get to know him I’ll magically love him but I think that’s movie thinking and I think it would be crueler if after all this time wanting a father he gets one but still doesn’t get love.
Isn’t it bad to raise a child if you know you can never show them, love? AITJ for maintaining an arm’s length relationship with my son and not inviting him to New Year’s?
ETA: I didn’t want him over because I figured he would catch on to how I feel, kids aren’t stupid and pick up on that, and while I know I sound cold I genuinely don’t think he or any child deserves to feel that way, that unloved.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – just my two cents but if you are going to pay for therapy for the kid and are open to therapy yourself I have a suggestion. Find a therapist that you can talk to first, explain your feelings on love, your feelings on responsibility and loyalty and your concerns about having a relationship with your son because of these feelings.
Let them know you would like to try to explain this to your son and that you would like their assistance to do it. Maybe having a trained/licensed professional could help your son understand better, and maybe it wouldn’t feel as hurtful to him to hear from his dad and a professional than just hearing it from his dad.
This way he also has a therapist there right away to help him with his emotions/feelings. Whatever you decide I do wish you the best of luck.” ButtercupBug0115
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Disclaimer: I understand exactly what you mean. I have similar issues. However.
You need therapy. It sounds like you’ve given up on this aspect of yourself, which you shouldn’t for your own sake. You’re not a jerk for not wanting a relationship with someone, and your ex sucks for letting her son navigate toward a position of rejection.
I DO think you will be a jerk if you let this contact happen and don’t fake out of caring about him, though. At this point, you are going to have to accept that you cannot be honest about this aspect of yourself with an 8-year-old.
He will not understand. Even if you do not get better, should this go forward, you are going to have to be the adult and work at faking this to protect him.” CaptainHMBarclay
Another User Comments:
“I completely get this. Oddly, I think it tends to make for someone who is more stable and dependable than someone who can love. Because you can make rational decisions for their best interest, and not flip out or be punishing, like a person who has normal effect would.
And your feelings will never change; there’s no risk of you falling out of love or turning on them. I think this is why many people, like your partner, prefer people like you (us), for the emotional safety of it.
They also lack the ability to comprehend what it is like, and misinterpret your attention and enjoyment of their presence as you being loving. So they don’t believe you, and think you’re spinning a story as an excuse, or are a sad little waif who hasn’t realized he’s felt love all along, then lash out when, no, that really is not the case, and you weren’t lying.
They also really don’t understand the many, many ‘do no harm’ rules people like you have in place.
I think you could be a wonderful and healthy father figure for this boy. Especially if you treat this as more of a mentoring role.
I like your offer of being a pen pal. That seems like a just-right level of involvement for now, until you determine if you find this child pleasant enough to become friends. Also consider the possibility that the boy is like you, and may not have a normal level of feeling.” millac7
17. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For My Daughter's Surname Change?
“My daughter (17) came out as transgender a few years ago, and for her birthday this year, we legally changed her first name to a feminine name of her choosing.
My wife and I have always supported her and her transition, but my daughter seemed disappointed that her surname wasn’t also changed.
I am Icelandic-American if you don’t know, and surnames are quite different than in other countries.
One’s surname is their father’s first name + a suffix related to their gender. The son of Jökull would be Jökullson, and the daughter of Jökull would be Jökulldottir.
When my American wife and I married, she took my last name, per American customs, and gave that same masculine surname to our daughter when she was born. All of us have the same masculine last name.
My daughter wishes to change her surname to ‘Jökull’dottir in order to align with her gender expression, as well as Icelandic naming customs. I hadn’t considered this for her, as we live in the United States and used the local customs. My wife and I are on the fence about changing her legal name again, as processes like this are very expensive and time-consuming in our state.
I told her that her mother and I would be more than happy to help with the paperwork if she paid for the processing. Our daughter doesn’t accept our reasoning and claims we are only contributing to her existing dysphoria by not going through the process again.
She is very proud of her Icelandic heritage and picked an Icelandic first name for her initial name change. While I understand her desire for the name change, I think that she is too focused on how her name would come across in Iceland, which we rarely visit, and should consider how it comes across in the United States if she goes through with this change.
Am I the jerk for making my transgender daughter pay for her own surname change?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Going through the process of transitioning, and dealing with dysphoric triggers (which often seem ‘unreasonable’ to others), is very difficult.
This can result in a LOT of emotions all escaping quickly.
You did a WONDERFUL thing for your daughter. Legal name changes are a hassle, to say the least. Your time, effort, finances, self-journey, and maintaining the surprise all add to that hassle, no matter how supportive and excited you were to do this thing for her.
Maybe consider taking a few days to let this cool down for both of you to ‘reset.’ Then come back and try to ask her to build a plan with you, rather than just giving your own solution ‘at’ her.
You can set boundaries on what you can/cannot do. But a huge part of the dysphoria is the feeling of helplessness. Of feeling stuck at the mercy of others and of biology.
Trans people are gatekept at every turn – and this can be especially frustrating for a child who truly feels powerless and unheard.
Set your boundaries, but do your best to give her ways to insert control over her situation. Sometimes, that feeling of working together and having a word that is heard, makes compromise easier.” bird0026
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She really should have told you when you were starting the whole process of the name change, then both could have been changed at the same time. I used to work for a small newspaper that used to publish name changes so I know it can be pricey.
Depending on your state and your income, you or your daughter can apply for fee waivers for the court costs. If you have to publish, go with a small weekly paper. They’ll charge a lot less.
Show her what you paid to have her first name changed. Maybe if she understands how much it will cost to do it again then she’ll understand that it’s you’re not being unsupportive but you simply can’t afford it.” NoAcanthocephala2727
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’ve made it clear that regardless of her assigned gender at birth, her last name would be Jökullson. However, it does seem odd that this has come up AFTER the legal name change.
Surely this conversation clarifying her full new legal name would have come up?
Speaking as someone who has changed their name, I went through all of my legal names, considered different spelling, etc, if I wanted to keep my middle name, if I wanted to alternate or choose a different last name – considering there’s an apostrophe in my last name, I strongly considered it as it’s a pain, especially with legal documentation that doesn’t allow for apostrophes or hyphens.
It was a several-month process and when I went to change my name, I was confident with my full legal name. From the sound of the post, it does not seem like that kind of process happened with you and your child.
Which isn’t anyone’s fault, but miscommunication like that leads to situations like these.” uhohitslilbboy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she should have made it clear that she wanted to change her surname too.
Her failure to do so is on her. The fact that you, your wife, and she all have the same name should have made it obvious you were following American standards. It’s not like she had your last name and son before the change so how should you have known she wanted her grandfather’s name and dottir?
It isn’t even following the Icelandic tradition since it should be your name and dottir.
Her name is absolutely her choice but she can’t expect you to pay for it when she is the one who didn’t make her wishes clear.” DubiousPeoplePleaser
16. AITJ For Saying My Mom Has No Right To Mourn Her Father?
“I (25F) lost my grandfather recently after a very short battle with cancer. I live across town and I broke my ankle pretty badly so haven’t been able to drive for a while, and now not for long at the moment.
My mother (44F) lives over the hill, a 5-minute bus ride away, and works down the street from them.
My grandparents didn’t want her around too much because once she is there, she doesn’t know when to leave.
After all, she drinks and talks loudly and drinks yet more. It’s hard to get her to leave especially when gramps needs his rest.
Some backstory, my mother ran away with me at 5yo spreading horrible rumors about my grandad that could have ruined his life.
They lost a daughter and a granddaughter. As a close, caring family it hurt them. Cut to 6 years later I move in, lived with them for over a decade, and became another daughter to them and they are like parents to me.
So, when grandad got sick I came back to stay in December to help my nan with the care. We were all there the day he passed away, which is what he wanted.
Later when he was collected to go to the chapel of rest. My nan’s request was only for her and me to be present when he was loaded into the car, the family can come to say goodbye once that bit was done.
My mom tried to barge her way through shouting about how it was her right it was her dad etc. I had to shut her down, I apologized and explained it wasn’t personal and that this was nan’s request and I’m here to make sure it was honored. To her credit, she listened and honestly handled it very maturely, I’m proud of her for that.
Here is where I feel I might be the jerk. Later on, after she had quite a few more drinks I heard her talking to another family member about how she didn’t come to visit her dad because I was blocking her and being horrible to her and I have no right to keep her away from her father.
I understand her position and why she felt this way. I never blocked her, I did all that I could to make sure everyone got time with him (again a very close family). Then she said I’m taking over her role and it should have been her and called me a few nasty words.
This is where I possibly overstepped.
I told her that her absence in their life and my life for the past decade removed that right. It was a choice she made and conducted in a nasty way and the consequences of her actions don’t give her the right to mourn him now because she doesn’t even know him anymore.
The pain on her face when I said that hit me at once. It’s her father and just because I don’t justify her behavior and actions doesn’t mean I have a say in how she’s feeling either.
I was exhausted but I shouldn’t have snapped. My partner and some family members think I said the right thing, but it was harsh to have said it on the night he died.
Please. Was I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Very gentle ‘no jerks here’. Your mom said awful things, but she has every right to mourn her father, regardless of their relationship for the past 10 years.
Loss/grief has a way of bringing out the very worst in us. I don’t fault either you or your mom for lashing out at that moment. I lost a parent this past fall, and I almost had to hire a mediator to even talk to one of my siblings about funeral arrangements.
Everyone’s nerves are raw; you’re all hurting and venting that pain to each other. Give yourself, your mom, and all of your family members some grace during this difficult time.
Please accept my condolences for your loss.
Wishing you peace.” Palsticine_Porters
Another User Comments:
“A VERY, VERY tiny ‘kind of a jerk’. Grief is a terrible thing and every single person reacts very differently to it. No one is thinking clearly and reactions are often just that – reactions to stimulus.
No one reacts great while mourning.
Now, personally, I’m not liking how your mother sounds or how she acted – it sounds rather like narcissistic behavior. On top of her addiction, this seems more like she was showing seeking behavior and badly needed redirection.
Someone would have had to say something… but DO NOT beat yourself up over how you reacted while coping with your own grief!
My deepest sympathy and hugs to you at this difficult time.” NightKatCares00
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Considering that your mom tried to destroy your grandfather’s reputation for no reason just to push them away and doesn’t seem to have ever made amends or fully reconciled then you spoke nothing but the truth.” Knittingfairy09113
Another User Comments:
“Deeply loving ‘everyone sucks here’.
Your mom has her challenges, but she also has every right to her feelings. As do you. But you don’t have a right to judge her feelings about losing her dad, or the way she may feel about having unresolved issues (hers, his, or theirs).
We lost our Dad, (my (47f) and my brother’s (49m) stepdad who raised us, and my sisters’ (43f, 46f) bio dad, joint custody). We all had our issues with our parents and each other over the years, and we all grieved (and still grieve) differently.
None of us probably did it the ‘right’ way, but we all respect that we did it the right way for us.
My deepest condolences for your loss. It will never be okay. But I promise it will get better.” katsmeow44
15. AITJ For Upsetting People When I Prioritized Going To College?
“I am transferring to a college outside my country to finish my degree, it’s a great opportunity and one that I never doubted I would take even if I was in a committed relationship.
Well, I’m in a relationship and I love my partner dearly and we’re going to try long distance since we can divide like 5 visits to each other between the two of us, plus, he is studying to get his second degree while working and developing a new company.
So, I told this to my family at an NYE dinner since they asked, and my cousin (33f), started trashing my decision, telling me that I must not love my partner since I’m choosing college abroad over him, and a bunch of other stuff.
At some point, I just didn’t even acknowledge what she was saying, and this got her angry and she said how much I would regret it in the future, that my long-term relationship should be my priority and I will regret ruining it.
I just looked at her and said ‘like you regret sacrificing having children because your husband didn’t want them and now you go around weeping when a family member has a baby?’
Well, that was pretty self-explanatory of her situation.
She always wanted children and she gave that up to be with her husband and now she suffers deeply every time someone in the family has a baby (she doesn’t treat them badly, but it is equally annoying how she asks to meet the child, just to start crying anytime she picks him/her up, ends up making it about her and her ‘great sacrifice for love’).
Anyhow, she got pretty mad and said that I had no idea what true love is and that you reach compromises when you do meet someone you truly love. I just answered that you shouldn’t give up your long-term dreams and hopes for the future for someone and that she was naive because she got into a relationship with her now husband even after knowing he wanted no kids, she thought she could convince him.
I told her that ‘true love’ doesn’t stick around so you change your personal goals or beliefs.
Long story short, the family is divided since I just defended myself, but I knew that was a sore spot for her, but I was just done with her talking trash about me for choosing my education as my priority.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Choosing to finish your degree in another country isn’t choosing your degree, education, and future employment over your partner. Plenty of couples go through a temporary long distance for educational reasons and, while not every couple survives that, those who do have made a great investment into their joint future.
If your relationship doesn’t make it (fingers crossed that’s not the case), at least you got a great opportunity and groundwork towards your future out of the time apart.
Your cousin seems to regret choosing her husband over her desire to have children, and she’s projecting that feeling onto you to validate her own decision.” 0biterdicta
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your education should always be first. Your partner isn’t fighting for you to stay, sounds like he’s supportive which is great. It’s none of her business and it does sound like she’s projecting… ‘I gave up my dreams for ‘love’ so that’s what love is and everyone should prioritize their partner over themselves!’… No…
You need to do things that will put you in the best position long term and pursue your own dreams and your ‘true love’ will be someone who can align themselves with that while also doing the same for themselves.
She made a really sad mistake and is holding tight to defending it and feels it’s only justified if everyone else does the same.” CheesecakePony
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your cousin chose to give up something important to her for love and now seeks validation for her choice by expecting others to give up their wishes for their relationship.
Honestly, she is going to regret doing that for the rest of her life and it’s likely to eventually destroy her relationship anyway. Some ppl can cope with that choice, she is breaking down at every new family baby, that’s not living with her choice that’s an emotional build-up that will lead to hatred and resentment and she wants everyone to feel the same even if it’s on an unconscious level.
She wants everyone to give something up for love so she can feel she made the right choice, rather than facing the reality that if 2 ppl have such different life wants they normally shouldn’t be together even if they do love each other.” HexStarlight
14. AITJ For Asking My Date To Pay Me For Crapping In My Car?
“A couple of weeks ago I (19f) went out with a guy who I knew from high school.
We were mutual acquaintances before this, and when we matched on an app, we agreed to meet up.
I picked him up at 7 & we went and got some food, after that we drove to some secluded place so we could talk with extra privacy (leave it up to the imagination).
Anyway, around 10:30 he starts to complain about his stomach hurting. I ask him if he wants to leave and he says no and kind of blows it off for a little bit. Around 11 he says he really needs to use the bathroom.
I wasn’t sure what to do because we were in a very secluded area, and I wasn’t familiar with it. He tells me that there is a gas station about 15 minutes away from us and asks me to ‘step on it’.
I leave and drive as fast as I can, but it’s very dark & I don’t know my way around, and he is becoming more frantic (visibly sweating, breathing heavily.) At one point I ask if I should pull over because going in the woods is better than nothing, but he swears he can make it.
Unfortunately, he misses telling me to take a turn somewhere and we get lost and I have to turn around and it’s still probably like 10 more minutes according to him. Then he gets very pale and yells at me to pull over, and I stop as fast as I can, but when I do he doesn’t get out of the car.
He just sits, very resigned. At that point, I understood it was too late.
We both sat there in silence for a little bit. I really wasn’t sure what to say to make him feel better, and I was also feeling a little sick from the whole thing (the smell).
Eventually, I just offered to take him home and tried to act nonchalant. He agreed so I drove us home. He also tells me that he will reimburse me for getting my car cleaned. I felt bad, because of course it wasn’t his fault, accidents happen so I offered to split the cost 50/50 and we never talk about it again.
I also told him, if he wants, I’d like to try going out again since this one turned out so… yeah. He thanked me and we parted ways.
I got my car detailed and sent him a text letting him know everything went well but I didn’t get a response.
I waited for another week and tried texting him again like ‘hey, did you see my text?’ and again he didn’t respond. I went on the app to try and message him there, but I saw he had unmatched me.
So it was pretty clear after that that he had ghosted me.
I was pretty mad, not gonna lie, cuz I thought I was chill about the whole situation. It’s cool if he didn’t want to see me again, but he could have still kept up his end of the deal. I went looking for his social media to try and message him there and when I find it I see he had his Venmo in his bio.
I decide to Venmo request. In the description, I put the poop emoji, the pointer finger, and my car. Surprisingly, I get a quick response. He sends the funds, but he also texts me annoyed because he said his friend would be able to see what I put and would probably put 2 and 2 together.
I told him I wouldn’t have done it if he wouldn’t have ghosted me. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He had opportunities early on to ask you to take him to the gas station.
And why not take a dump on the side of the road instead of in your pants in your date’s car?! Even all that aside, accidents happen (though this could have been avoided) but he chose to ghost you and avoid paying for the detailing.
He deserved it.” One_Saturday_Morning
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Nothing sounds malicious and I’m sure the guy was far too embarrassed to handle this the best way. The poop emoji on Venmo maybe went a bit too far (because it might cause additional embarrassment), but it’s not like you’re probably an expert in handling car-crapping aftercare either.
I think you both deserve a pass on this one. If he hadn’t already paid I’d say give him a pass on the $$ as well… he’s paid for it with loads of shame.” A_General_Fungus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it is his fault you had to chase him down. And his friends wouldn’t put 2 and 2 together unless they are going through his Venmo so whatever.
I feel for the guy, GI issues are terrible and he likely couldn’t help it, but it was his responsibility to pay at LEAST half of the cost there.
The entire cost would have been better. You were a gem offering to pay half and offering to see him again to start over.” SuperLoris
13. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Ex For How He Treated Me After We Lost The Game?
“So my (F18) best friend (M18) who is also my ex (we were together for 1.5 years and broke up about a month ago) and I were playing a video game where there is a random selection of characters we can pick.
I get a character that I am unfamiliar with and I am also unfamiliar with the other options. I pick this character and I play very badly. I keep saying I shouldn’t have picked this champion and I made a mistake.
My best friend here is very mad the whole game because the whole team (especially me) is playing very badly and we lose. He blows up at me at the end and then leaves the call.
I message him I’m sorry and he said now you say you’re sorry. (I never said I’m sorry for the whole conversation until now). Later on, he also said it was common courtesy to tell someone you’re playing a new character.
Both of which I agree I should have apologized and said I’m playing a new champion. Some background: I always try to play champions that are easy and supportive (the ones I have the least fun with) when I’m playing with him so there is the least chance of him getting mad at my performance.
His exact words after this were that ‘I still troll his games’. He said either I delete the game or be blocks me. I deleted the game. Then he kept spam-calling me even though I said I didn’t want to talk.
And then finally I answered and he asked why I was mad and I said because you are getting mad over something stupid. I made a mistake in a game, I won’t play this champion again, can’t we just move on?
He blocked me also after this. I don’t know, I agree I made mistakes both in the game and in the interaction but am I wrong for getting mad that he blew up at me?
(Side note this has happened before and he said he wants to hear the words I’m sorry not just me admitting my faults in the game and I still didn’t do that.)”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Is your ex literally four? He sounds like a toddler, raging like a little baby over (what I’m assuming is) League of Legends. Jesus Christ. You’re better off without him.
Consider the fact that he blocked you a blessing and do NOT let the moron back into your life even when he inevitably decides that ‘you’ve been punished enough for what you did’ and unblocks you/tries to ‘allow you’ back into his life.
Cut him off. He was a trashy partner and is now a trashy ‘friend.’ If and when he tries to contact you again, tell him that you aren’t interested in being friends with, being involved with, or even interacting with children.
You can do better for yourself in your friendships.” GhostieCafe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you didn’t make a mistake at all. While it is common courtesy to inform others that you are new to a game or character, it’s not exactly required. So you playing badly is ok.
It happens. Not everyone starts as a prodigy when it comes to gaming. We have to start somewhere. And while it sucks that they blocked you due to the history you shared, it sounds like you dodged a bullet there.
They got mad over a video game. If this is a game you like I would re-download it and keep practicing. You’ll get there one day. It’s a game, have fun. And if you don’t like it, find one that you do, and don’t worry about not being super amazing at it right off the bat.” Sad_Suggestion
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
These are huge overreactions on both sides though. Apart from being a huge jerk about some video game it also seems weird that you try to please him so badly by adapting your playstyle so he won’t be mad and snap at you.
Was he always acting like that when you still were a couple?
It feels like you’re either still stuck in the toxic dynamic that could have been part of the reason you broke up.
Or you’re both not healed properly after breaking up and there are still some feelings of guilt, anger, sadness, or whatever. All in all, I would say, best friends wouldn’t end a friendship over that, exes maybe should.” crckhre
12. WIBTJ If I Sell My Ex-Husband's Motorcycle?
“My ex-husband has always been the ‘if you give them an inch, they’ll take a mile’ type and has hugely taken advantage of me and the fact that he’s the father of our kids.
He recently was unemployed for a month, which I understand. He got a new job, and I told him I expect our child support to resume come the following month (I figured a month to establish your job and get your bills straight was fair).
The child support is not court-ordered, just an agreed-upon amount of $400/month that was signed and notarized by both of us. We have two young children that are not in school yet.
It took him a year and threatening to take him to court to even start paying and he also never took his agreed-upon days of shared custody.
During his unemployment, he moved home to another state and took our children for a month, which is longer than all of his combined visits for the last year or two.
He’s now refusing to pay, and I told him I’m taking him to court because his poor financial planning (which is a much longer story) excuse is not going to cut it anymore.
Now, this is where the bike comes in.
I’ve had his motorcycle stored in my garage for the last 6 months and he’s giving me the run-around about when he can get it out of there.
I’m fed up with his antics, so I looked up the laws of abandoned vehicles. Part of it is he will get a notice and has 15 days to remove the vehicle. However, the address of the registration is our old marital home, which he no longer has access to.
WIBTJ if I went through with it KNOWING he won’t ever get the letter?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s giving you the run around, both on picking up his motorcycle and paying child support.
He’s wanting to make life as difficult for you as possible in the hopes that it will be too much effort and you’ll give up. Play hardball. Your children deserve that money.” RNGinx3
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Obviously, your ex-husband is a jerk. I get where you are coming from but other than revenge what exactly is getting cash from a forced sale of his motorcycle going to accomplish for you or your children?
Hire a lawyer and get everything (child support, visitation, motorcycle) sorted properly.” zwergschnauzer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but talk to a lawyer before you sell anything of his.
I’d also get a formal child support order instead of just an agreement between the two of you.
Then he won’t have any choice about paying.” shlbycindy1
11. AITJ For Making A 16-Year-Old Cry On Her First Day Of Work?
“So this was at my previous job which was a fast-casual restaurant.
I’m 20 (f) and she was 16. She applied for the job when she was 15 but couldn’t start until she was 16 so she ended up waiting for two months before she actually started. I came into work and she was introduced to my coworker and me.
She was shadowing my coworker and I was basically the manager (but not really, not important). The shift was only 5 hours long and it was extremely busy and we were understaffed. She was standing with her back faced to the customers and people were getting upset because she was ‘ignoring’ them.
They didn’t realize she was training and didn’t know how to use the system so I asked her to stand away from the register. Apparently, that made her very upset and uncomfortable.
At another point during the shift I was just trying to make conversation and I was like ‘what a night to start, right? It’s crazy busy!’ I don’t know, was just trying to say anything to have her talk to us because she didn’t say a word throughout the shift. After about 3 hours she and my coworker took a break and she never came back.
At the end of the shift, my boss came up to me and my coworker and asked about our experience with the new person. My coworker said it was good and I said ‘we didn’t talk much but it seemed fine’.
Apparently, she didn’t think so. She emailed my boss saying she left work crying. She said I made her upset and uncomfortable. She said I said things like she wasn’t welcome here, ‘I didn’t know why she was there’, she needed to stand away from us, and just that I generally just made her feel uncomfortable and unwelcome.
I definitely didn’t tell her to get away from us and I didn’t say why are you here. So was it just a misunderstanding or did I do something wrong? I’m still confused about the whole situation months later.
Apparently, I made her feel so bad she never came back.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You asked her to move aside so customers didn’t get confused and then tried to start a friendly conversation later on and she for some reason decided to translate what you actually said into ‘you’re not welcome’ and ‘I don’t know why you’re here.’ I can understand her being overwhelmed by things but there were zero reasons to say you said those things when you didn’t.” Zealousideal_Elk_918
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. I’ll vote for ‘she’s far too immature to be working at a grownup job’, but also add that she is a colossal jerk and drama queen for lying about you.
Screw her. She’s got a lot of growing up to do, and she’s probably going to damage more than a few additional workplaces on her way to doing that.” Unseen_Owl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it sounds like she wasn’t ready/mature enough for a job yet. I will say that as a manager you need to be very clear when you talk to your employees and don’t assume they understand your decisions.
I say this because it sounds like she didn’t understand why you told her to stand elsewhere.” thetoiletslayer
10. AITJ For Being Mad At My Partner For Only Intending To Save Her Cat And Herself?
“I (22M) love my partner (23F) but a few weeks ago, the fire alarm in her apartment went off even though there was no fire.
I was laying on the couch with my son (3M) from a previous relationship, and my partner immediately stood up and grabbed her cat, and ran from the apartment before I’d even sat up fully.
As I said, there ended up being no fire, but I was and still am pretty annoyed at my partner for just saving the cat and herself. She says I’m being dramatic, that the cat wouldn’t have been able to save himself, and I had my son anyways so I could’ve run fine.
But still, I don’t know what to think. She’s upset that I’m mad because she doesn’t think I have any reason to be, and I don’t wanna fight.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Hold up, so you’re upset that your body and mind didn’t work faster than your partner’s and she was able to successfully grab the closest thing to her, her cat, and ran for her life, all while you were still getting your coordinations together and didn’t grab your son, who was laying with YOU on the couch and run out in record time like her?
Like there’s an emergency, you’re able-bodied and had your son with you. She’s able-bodied and had her cat with her. Other than her reflexes and legs being faster than yours, what’s the problem?” Careful-Listen2277
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You’re thinking with a parent’s mind. That makes sense. She’s NOT the parent. She’s the ‘parent’ to the cat.
She states you had the child and assumed you would take them.
(I mean… that does check out if you were holding the baby.)
I’d get it if you were asleep and you saw her just grab the cat and run and she didn’t bother to ‘wake you’ and just left you and your baby there to get trapped in the hypothetical fire.
However, that’s NOT what happened… you were awake holding your infant child and she grabbed the other helpless life-form in the house.
Should she have turned and said, ‘are you coming?’ Or something like that?
Probably. But then again… do you need social encouragement to do everything?
Do you want to know if she will save your child in the end? Ask her.” Forsaken-Knowledge12
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your partner had the requisite response for the best chance of surviving a fire and seized the living creature that would have most likely chosen to hide instead of fleeing the danger, trusting you to save the other helpless creature who was literally already on your lap.
What did you want her to do? Take your son from you? Help you up?
Instead of being angry at her, take this opportunity perhaps to make an active fire escape plan with her.
Her gut reaction was correct – from the moment you become aware of a fire, you have 90 seconds to make choices to save yourself before your chances of survival start to drop dramatically. Consider turning this into an opportunity to plan together so that if something ever DOES happen, your reactions will complement each other so that you can ALL get out.” youknowmyhipsdontlie
9. AITJ For Snapping When My Family Made Fun Of My Being Single?
“I am 28 and single, I haven’t gone out with anyone seriously for 4 years.
I have never been very successful, to begin with, but I have also been working 60 hours for 2 of those 4 years. I have also been going through a gender crisis and it has had a huge toll on my mental health.
I haven’t really sorted it out and I have a lot of pain and fear to deal with. I am no place to go out with anyone or be a good partner and I can’t bring myself to go out with anyone straight because I am scared that I will break their heart if I do decide to transition.
It is a scary place to be in and I feel incredibly lonely.
I do miss being in a relationship and I want to solve this issue. I have been feeling and I am going through therapy and I am closer to solving this but my family thinks that all my worries are just because I am not seeing anyone.
My parents, my sister, and her husband were celebrating the new year together, and during dinner, my mom asked me if I was going to go out with anyone this year. I tried to brush the question off and my sister laughed and started to poke fun at me.
She said I would be single till I died and my mom should give up hope for me getting married.
I asked her to stop and I didn’t want to rehash this on the first day of the year but she didn’t and doubled down and started talking about how my ex got married recently and I was just being a sore loser.
I knew she wouldn’t stop until my evening was entirely ruined. She was laughing and my parents were joining in, I lost my cool and asked her when they both were planning to buy a house and if they had given up hope for buying one.
I asked her if she is going to move out to a smaller city to just buy a home.
Housing is very expensive here and my sister and her husband have been struggling to buy a house.
They really love this city but they probably cannot afford to buy anything in a good neighborhood here. I got lucky because I came out of school with low debt and I was able to save up quickly to buy a small home for myself.
Everyone is really bothered by my comment and my sister is not speaking to me and she called me a snob. My parents think I crossed the line as my sister has been struggling with the idea of moving to a new city and being away from them.
It was very immature to strike back as I did, I should have held my tongue and just got it over with.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What is wrong with your family? Why do they take joy in bullying you?
Your reasoning and thought processes are extremely well brought out in your post. You seem to be a responsible, caring, and emotionally intelligent person. Possibly the hardships you had to endure, taught you those lessons, while your family maybe had it easier or only gained bitterness from their experiences.
In either case, it is not difficult to fall down on other people’s level of communication when they are so persistently pestering you. I don’t think you handled this wrong.
Try to talk to them about why this was wrong, and DO NOT let yourself be gaslit (“oh you’re too gentle, grow a thicker skin, she was just joking” etc.).
Limit contact if necessary/possible.” pitbull_bob
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your family (no offense) is a bunch of jerks.
You’ve done nothing wrong and you’re going through a hard time which your family is contributing to.
Your family should be there to comfort you but instead are verbally hurting and making you uncomfortable. The fact that they got mad at you for getting annoyed at your sister when she was ridiculing you is ridiculous.
You did not cross a line, your sister deserved it.
‘I should have held my tongue and just got it over with.’
Never ever let someone push you around like that, doesn’t matter if they’re your family.
Remember to always stand up for yourself.
‘I am scared that I will break their heart if I do decide to transition. It is a scary place to be in and I feel incredibly lonely.’
For this kind of problem, I think you may need therapy. Even if you break up with someone they will always move on and find someone else.
So yeah, you’re not a jerk at all.
Just try to talk about this with your family.” Jordanian-kid
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She deserved it.
If the rest of your family is upset by what you said that’s their problem. I’d probably ask my parents why they thought it was okay for her to belittle and make fun of you.
They’ll probably just say she was joking but a joke that hurts someone is never funny.
I agree your family is toxic and if I were in your situation, I’d take a break from all of them.” shlbycindy1
8. WIBTJ If I Want To Paint Over The Mural My Mom Made For Me?
“A few years ago, maybe 2 or so, my sister and I got new rooms when our parents renovated our house.
We were allowed to choose a wall color for them. My sister, 13 at the time, chose lilac purple, and I, 11, chose mint green blue.
After the rooms were painted, my mother had the idea to add a wall with a mural to add flavor to the room.
She got to work on my sister’s immediately after showing it to her. It was a Van Gogh mashup of Starry Night and Sunflowers, and it came out beautifully.
Forward a few months, my mom still hasn’t painted my wall like she promised, or consulted me with any possible designs.
The extent of the discussion is that I wanted a floral design and its placement.
I come home from school one day to see that my mother has fully finished the mural. This is especially surprising considering she took a full week to do my sister’s.
I had expected another artistic rendition of flowers similar to what she did for my sister, but it was instead a cheesy style that I would associate with an Easter party invitation. I honestly might have been fine with that, except it was done with a large paintbrush which created completely undefined lines and messy strokes.
She also allowed my baby brother to ‘help’ and a small section was ruined by him.
I did my best to contain my displeasure, but I have a feeling she picked up on it.
I have never complained about it to her, as she is quite sensitive to criticism and takes everything very personally. She gets upset and angry when the quality of her work is questioned, and I never wanted to deal with her anger.
I have lived with seething hatred toward this mural for the past two years. It goes against my aesthetic and personality completely and has caused me to hate my room. I want to fully repaint my room a more neutral and controlled gray, but I fear my mother, having possibly picked up on my displeasure towards it, would take it as a personal jab towards her.
Would I be the jerk for asking if I can paint over it?
Edit: The seething hatred thing seems a bit off-putting to people. The thing about it is that my mom has pushed cheesy girly stuff onto me my whole life.
She bought me unicorn decorations around the same time she painted the mural. I really expected something more sophisticated when I chose a light minty blue as my wall color. I don’t mean to tell her I hate it, I just wanted to be clear about how I felt in this post.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – just frame it as wanting to fully repaint your room, since that’s really what you want. It’s normal for your sense of style to change pretty rapidly at your age, so your mom shouldn’t take it as a personal insult.
Also, just in case you don’t already know this, it’s not your job to manage your mother’s emotions. Even if she takes it personally, as the adult she should be able to get over it without holding you responsible or expecting you to compromise in any way.” sausagedeathcult
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I think you will do better to not link your desire to repaint to the mural itself. Just say you want to redecorate now that you are older and were thinking of a soft gray for the walls, and so on.
If she reacts negatively then you can say you know she worked hard on it and maybe you can take photos of it or something but you really do want more of a grown-up room now and this is what you have chosen.” WholeCollection6454
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You weren’t given the same time, effort, and consideration as your sibling. You have sucked it up for 2 years. Two years of global crisis, meaning lots of bedroom time.
Sure, be tactful about it.
Say that the style no longer fits your aesthetic. But also you are not responsible for your mother’s feelings. She is a grown woman. As long as you are polite, you shouldn’t have to be worrying about her reactions.
That is for her to deal with, not you.” StreetofChimes
7. AITJ For Wanting To Have Our Wedding In The City We Live In?
“My (25M) fiancée (27F) and I started planning the wedding with the future in-laws. We were planning to have the wedding near her parents’ beach house in the Northeast. This is where her sister had her wedding, so why not.
So we drove up to New Jersey to stay for a few weeks and check out venues. Before I get the ball rolling, her parents did offer to pay for the wedding.
The problems started arising before we got a chance to look at the first venue.
My future mother-in-law presented a list of 98 people that we HAD to invite to the wedding and gave us a 150 limit. My fiancée was able to get the list to around 190 including the 98 people from my mother-in-law’s list. Long story short, this was a problem with the future mother-in-law.
Fast forward a few days, we look at venues, give them our estimated headcount, and all is good. Get home and mother-in-law let us know that our budget is 50k (same as sister’s). We figure we can make some cuts and get the guest list we want within budget.
Venues get back to us with estimates, and they (including the venue my future sister-in-law had her wedding), were going to be right at about 50k for just the space. Let her parents know, and they told us ‘oh actually we paid 85k for sister’s wedding’.
A little frustrated, we left and on the ride back down south decided it may be easier to have the wedding in our city so we could plan it and it would be more convenient for us.
Not to mention it would be cheaper. Floated the idea to my father-in-law and his reply was ‘if you have your wedding in Dallas, my contribution will be much less robust’. Okay, weird threat.
We then decided to look at venues in Dallas and found one that we both really loved. Called the father-in-law to ask about booking it. ‘I’m absolutely not hosting a wedding in Dallas’ ‘I and your mother graciously offered to host your wedding, so it will be where we want it to be’, etc. Told him we will pay for it.
He proceeded to tell my fiancée that she doesn’t care about her family, is incredibly selfish, and that the family isn’t going to travel to Dallas for her wedding. Had another call with him a few weeks later and let him know that we booked the venue.
Didn’t go over well.
Since then, the whole family has ex-communicated her. Whenever they reach out it’s to spew more venom and make her feel bad about herself. The last text she got from her dad was ‘you need to get your head out of your butt and focus on the people who love you, even though that may not be popular with your future husband.
You’ve ruined your relationship with your family and it’s going to take a lot to fix it. The ball is in your court’.
It seems her family is looking for an apology and we are genuinely confused about what we could apologize for.
So, are we the jerks?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I made that decision as soon as I read MIL gave you a list of 98 people that had to be there. It just got worse from there.
Your future in-laws are massive jerks, and you can tell that your SO is not the golden child which is probably a large factor in their reaction to everything. They’re probably banking on your wife bending the knee to gain their approval that they dangle in front of her like a carrot.
Keep the wedding in Dallas, you’re paying for it. You should probably go low contact after the wedding (or before if they continue to be massive jerks). Good luck.” azoresmom3
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Everyone here always says weddings are for the bride and groom. That’s true, but they’re also for the family.
I think the fact you are paying for the wedding means it truly is your wedding.
Moreover, your fiancée is a grown woman, probably with her own career. I suspect your fiancée’s family is hurt, and rather than dealing with that hurt rationally, they have lashed out.
Practically, if your fiancée lives across the country from her parents, a future lack of contact is not a big thing. Invite them and all the people on MIL’s list (most of whom won’t attend).
Hold your heads high. Stay open to rapprochement with them. The reality is, even if they stay angry, that will dissipate when you have children.” Username19611691
Another User Comments:
“Your future in-laws sound like my current inlaws.
No matter what you decide to do, you and your wife HAVE TO BE ON THE SAME SIDE. She might not want to burn a bridge, but you can’t let your inlaws call the plays.
She’s a grown woman marrying a man, and they need to respect that. You need to be the man in this relationship, not her dad. Once you’re married, parents take second place.
Once you have kids, parents take third place.
Start this marriage on the right foot. NTJ.” SuzieCat
6. AITJ For Wanting My Cousins Kicked Out?
“About 8 months ago my cousin sold her house. It was supposed to take two months max for her to have another place. Since I was staying at my partner’s a lot, I offered for them to stay in my room until they got their new place.
So my cousin, her husband, their kids, and their dog moved in. In the first few weeks, their dog terrified one of our cats so bad he ran off and never came back.
The two-month mark passed, and they still had no place.
I was starting to have issues with my partner so I moved back in but stayed in the living room. My cousin finally set up their house to be built. This was in September.
I started having mental health issues from never being alone or having any privacy. I went to my parents about it and they acted like they didn’t care. I was lucky enough to have a friend offer me a place, although we’d have to share a room.
A few weeks ago, their dog got loose and hurt my cat. My dad said their dog could still stay there as long as they did something about him to where he couldn’t get loose again.
Drama happened with that friend, so I moved back in with my parents since I had nowhere else to go. My cousin’s house still hasn’t started being built. I was trying to talk to my parents about my mental health still being bad because I never got to be alone.
My dad snapped at me and said if I didn’t like being there then I could just leave.
So I’m back at my friend’s. Practically homeless. Yet my parents think I’m the jerk because I want them to kick them out.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
WOW, you were so kind to help them out but now you’ve lost your own room for who knows how long. It sure didn’t pay to do a good deed because that good deed bit you in the butt.
I’m so sorry about your cats. That’s awful. I don’t know how you can convince your parents except to tell them calmly that they’re being unfair to you by not letting you have your own room back for this long.
I hope you can save up enough money to get another place to live and then limit contact with your parents. They obviously don’t value you as much as your cousin and her family.” LoveBeach8
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. These people sold their house before they even started building an entirely new one. That’s idiotic. It takes months for that to happen at the very least, and it sounds like they didn’t even jump on it once they imposed themselves on your family.
I’m so sorry to hear about your cats. I don’t know your relationship with your parents or how independent you are, but it seems pretty clear they’d rather have you leave than tell your cousin and her family to get out.
I’m sorry your kind gesture of offering your own space to them has backfired so hard.” QueenOfStolenHearts
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, their dog took out both of your cats? Are you kidding? That’s awful!
If your parents are so upset they can take them in!! It’s time to politely ask them to find somewhere else, I’m so sorry about your cats btw I know how hard losing a pet is and you owe them nothing at this point.” nuclearbordem
5. AITJ For Wanting To Get My Cat Fixed?
“I (F17) got my emotional support animal (ESA) Luna about a year ago. I have agoraphobia (fear of being in situations where escape might be difficult or that help wouldn’t be available if things go wrong) and depression due to trauma that happened to me as a kid, so my therapist helped push my parents into letting me get a cat.
Once I got her, I finally felt safer. I would leave my room, eat dinner with my family, and finally started talking again.
For a year I was slowly getting better and back into my old self.
My older brother started to take a liking to my cat and asked for one for his 18th birthday. My parents complied and got him his own cat. I love his kitten, he’s so sweet and gets along well with mine.
I wasn’t so worried about a second cat until my brother said he wanted our cats to have kittens together. I told him no, she was my ESA. It would’ve been different if she was a normal house cat.
My whole family thinks it’s a great idea, except me. I told them that I’ll get her fixed myself. They’re calling me selfish and unreasonable. Am I the jerk for not wanting my cat to have kittens?
Update: I talked to my mom about it. She said we could talk about finding a place to get her fixed!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Kittens are a lot of work, and if the cat is your ESA, it won’t be anymore.
Kittens are not only work for you but work for the cat. Your cat, your decision. I definitely wouldn’t, though. Euthanasia is very common already, really don’t need to make that stat go into the positive.
You’re not being selfish, I’d call it logical. Nonetheless, makes me happy that you’re getting some traction and getting better with that trauma. Luna is quite the saint, it sounds like.” KingHenryVIll
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Please fix your cat asap. I do cat rescue and there are literally hundreds of kittens in shelters without homes and dying every day. Not only that but getting your cat fixed is much safer for her.
Reduces the risk of cancers and pyometra, which is horrible and so much more common than people realize. Your brother’s cat may start spraying to mark his territory if your family doesn’t get him fixed as well… Spay and neutering are part of being a responsible pet owner.
Explain to your family how selfish it is to bring more kittens into this world with such a terrible cat overpopulation issue.” Sillakits
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it’s YOUR cat. Definitely get her fixed asap; if your family thinks this is selfish and unreasonable there’s no way they will respect your wishes and they’ll probably expect you to help take care of any kittens that result.
If your brother wants to be a cat breeder, he can get two cats and be responsible for that all by himself – it’s not as easy as he seems to think. To be completely honest, he does not sound like a responsible pet owner.” sausagedeathcult
4. AITJ For Being Annoyed At The Noisy Kids In The Theater?
“My wife, and I along with a few friends (were all mid-20s) go out to see the new spider man movie, about a week after it’s out.
It’s busy, I thought to myself ‘cool, it’ll be the typical noises associated with a busy movie’ (popcorn crunching, candy being opened, etc.)
A rather large family (8+ people) sits in front of us with 2-3 younger children (5-7 year-olds I’m guessing).
These kids talk through almost the entire movie at all the main scenes (NO Spoilers in this).
Anyways, towards the end of the movie another dramatic scene happens, and while it does the entire theatre is silent from your typical busy theatre noises. These kids talk through the entire scene almost, until I blurt out for the parents to keep their kids quiet.
While I feel partially bad, I think it’s incredibly rude to take your children to a movie, knowing they’re old enough to know to stay quiet, and yet the parents let them talk through the entirety of the movie.
My wife thinks I’m partially the jerk but understands why I did it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Parents need to teach their children proper behavior while in public and talking through a movie is definitely super rude.
You gave the parents plenty of time to correct the behavior and they didn’t and since you only said something once, I don’t think you’re a jerk. Those parents are jerks for not parenting.
And trust me, everyone in the theater was thinking the same thing.” Euterpe86
Another User Comments:
“No. Movies are expensive and you shouldn’t take anyone there of any age if they can’t behave. I once went to the movies with a friend one night and we were going to see a movie rated pg 13 till we saw several families with small children ahead of us going to the same movie and then decided to see one rated r so we wouldn’t have to deal with kids carrying on.
If that does happen again I would say as much as you may hate leaving the theater, go and get a manager. The family should have been thrown out. My friend did that once during a movie where a woman brought a small kid and a baby to a rated-R horror movie and the baby was crying and the kid was carrying on before the movie even started. He got up and went to the lobby to get the manager who told him to go back to his seat and that he would take care of it.
He was back only a few minutes before the manager came in and told the woman that due to the no crying policy she and her children would have to leave but he would give her a refund and she left.” Phoenix101982
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I saw the new Spider-Man last week and someone brought a toddler to it. I cannot fathom why. Thankfully he wasn’t too bad during the film, but I feel like that’s really irresponsible as a parent.
There’s a societal expectation to ignore/accept children making a normal amount of noise in most public spaces, but I feel like theatres in general are not one of them (unless it is an experience specifically catered to children).
Pay to stream the movie at home if you can’t be away from your kid for 3 hours.” Breadcrumb-Forest
3. AITJ For Kicking My In-Laws Off My Netflix Account?
“I’m divorced. Well in the process of one. Nothing is final, nothing is written.
I told my ex I’d pay for her phone bill if she keeps her usage and data and blah – as well as letting her use my Netflix – she argued our son uses it and wanted to use it as well.
At the time, I reluctantly agreed with her understanding that I pay for it – I should get secondary after our son.
Well, she’s across the world and it’s three in the morning, while it’s evening here and I want to enjoy a movie before work (I work midnights so my son is at their place).
However, I can’t due to too many devices using it. I messaged my ex saying I’m planning on changing information after I had kindly asked to use it but had received no reply.
She eventually did and it was long and angry. She called her parents – who were using it – to get off. They texted me apologizing and I’m feeling absolutely horrible. They’re doing so much and I truly don’t mind them using it.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The streaming services are not that expensive. I get it’s nice to get something for free. But really, people need to pay for it so the companies can continue to offer good content.
I get kids using it or a friend comes over and logs in their Netflix and you use it, but multiple families and households using one sign-in is crazy to me.” Dangerous_Prize_4545
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your account. Your ex had no right to also share your password with her parents to the extent that you could no longer use the account. Why can’t they get their own?
Seems like she is keen on guilt-tripping you at least in this scenario.” Educational_Car_615
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The Netflix terms of the agreement that you agreed to specify you will only share with members of your own household.
So you are really only enforcing the terms of your own contract. Plus Netflix starts at $9.99/month so the in-laws can get their own subscription.” OrcEight
2. AITJ For Not Being Appreciative Of What My Partner Did?
“I (30f) moved into my partner’s (27m) place recently. I was initially a bit uncomfortable about it because it felt like I was moving into his space (not in a literal sense, more so a space that he had made his own) as opposed to us moving into a space together.
Important info that he is a lawyer, so very good at arguing.
The move-in process has been slow due to Xmas and family visits (different city), so I’ve finally got all my stuff in after about 2.5 weeks.
So last night/today we ended up in an argument because he’s decided I’m having trouble fitting all my stuff into my wardrobe (I do have a lot of clothes). I really want to make everything work in my space, without taking over his wardrobe given what I said about moving into his space I feel it would be unfair to take more space than is mine.
Without speaking to me about it, he went to a hardware store, bought some organizers for his own wardrobe, and said to me ‘I made space for you, if you don’t use it I’ll be annoyed’.
I told him it wasn’t necessary and I wished he’d said something. His reply was that he did it for me and I should be thankful.
My attitude is that I don’t want that, and didn’t ask him to do it so why should I be thankful?
I’ve set myself a boundary to only use ‘my’ space.
On the same token, he also bought a bunch of those stackable clear shoe boxes (which I also said not to do) as he keeps talking to my parents about storage and they keep ‘warning’ him about how many shoes I have.
I have told all of them repeatedly that I will be getting rid of most of my shoes as they were from when I was 18-22 and I’ll never wear them again.
When he told me to ‘come look’ at what he did and there were all the boxes, I pointed out that I asked him not to buy them and as I’ve said repeatedly I will be getting rid of most of my shoes, he told me to ‘just screw off’.
Then called out to me 2 mins later to come back and discuss it.”
Another User Comments:
“A few things that make me raise an eyebrow: Without asking you, he made a decision to shift things.
This is not a great collaborative start. He decided what you were going to do, and chose the problem-solving method unilaterally.
‘Use it or I’ll be annoyed.’ Not only did he choose, but he also told you that you need to agree with him.
But it’s under the guise of a nice thing, so it’s hard to be upset about the principle of not having a say.
‘I should be thankful.’ Yikes. That’s tricky. It’s like if someone buys you a gift you don’t want and didn’t need or ask for.
Just because they want to get you a crappy gift, do you owe them thanks? Hard nope.
Maybe he’s trying to get it right, and trying to be kind, but the lack of listening and unilateral decision-making and demand of how you should feel because HE decided what he did was a good thing are all curious pieces for me.
I’d probably say no jerks here because I don’t think he was trying to be a jerk. He just might be really poor at sharing emotional space and used to running the show. This would be a pattern (not hearing you, telling you what you should feel) that I would watch for, take note of, and maybe take to couples therapy.
That feeling of being talked in circles or confused is an awful one, and one that I see (therapist by day…) in relationships there is a lack of empathy, high selfishness, and at times narcissism present.
My recommendation would be to pause conversations the moment you feel confused and regroup later, bringing it back to the original issue. So often the original issue gets lost and buried in the arguments or ‘valid points’ the other is making.
Chiming in to say I don’t at all think you’re the jerk, and that you should trust your intuition here.” Opposite_Hand_6266
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – sure, maybe he should have communicated better here and definitely shouldn’t have told you to screw off… BUT, it really seems like he’s trying to make you comfortable.
He’s obviously picking up on the fact that you’re not super comfortable moving into his place (with the whole feeling like you’re encroaching upon his pre-situated comfort zone) and, based on the context clues here, I’d venture to assume that the communication about that hasn’t been extensive between the two of you.
From a third-party perspective, it seems like he’s probably seeing you feeling uncomfortable and trying to navigate that by doing things that will show you he’s willing to sacrifice and/or change his space in whatever ways might help you to feel more comfortable in your new home.
Then, in return, your responses are annoyed and ungrateful.
It doesn’t sound like he’s being rash and impulsive with buying shoe boxes, etc. It sounds like he’s been left feeling like he needs to stumble around, walking on eggshells, as he navigates unknown territory.
If I were him, I’d be really confused about why something that should be awesome (taking the next step in a relationship) feels not-so-awesome because of your unexpected discomfort and, because my love language is action-based, I would probably do everything I could to relieve that discomfort for you – which is what he’s done.
It would be really frustrating in that hypothetical situation to then have you pull the rug out again and be even more upset over the effort made to reduce your discomfort.
Yeah, YTJ. I bet the dude feels like he can’t do anything right because even when he goes out of his way to be accommodating and considerate to you (without you even having to ask, which is like every woman’s dream) you respond by being annoyed.” Samnthaa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m getting a lot of red flags here and I hope you’re paying attention. He told you to ‘screw off’? My husband and I have been together for 8 years and yeah we fight but not once have we ever cursed each other out like that.
You expressed you didn’t want XYZ and then he said, ‘use it or I’ll be annoyed?’ So what you want doesn’t matter? You have to just go with it even if you don’t want to?
Just wait till he uses that argument in the bedroom. Yikes. I’m not saying break up but you both really need to TALK!
Get a neutral third party if you have to. If you don’t want to talk it out, just let him do what he wants and get rid of the stuff you don’t want to keep anyways.
What’s he going to do, go to the goodwill and get it back? I went out with a guy with similar phrasing and actions. He’d do ‘kind’ things I didn’t ask for or didn’t need and then get mad when I wasn’t showing proper respect.
It slowly escalated to verbal mistreatment, then physical. I’m not saying that will happen to you as I don’t know you or your partner, but a good place to start is having a sit-down and a CONVERSATION about your needs, wants, and expectations.” Far_Seat_2223
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. No, he shouldn’t be ignoring you when you say you’ve got something covered, or letting your parents get involved, or telling you to ‘screw off’. But it really does feel like you’re setting yourself challenges that don’t actually need to exist, and are making a life transition that’s already notorious for causing unwarranted frustration a lot more contentious than it needs to be.
He’s got space in his closet, and you’ve got a lot of clothes. Just take him up on the offer already.” mm172
1. AITJ For Letting Other People Borrow My Friend's Beanie That He Left At My Place?
“During this past year’s thanksgiving, my roommates and I hosted a Friendsgiving. One of our friends left a beanie on the coffee table and sent a message to the Friendsgiving group chat something like ‘oh I left my hat lol gives me a reason to come back to hang with you guys.’ Days pass and the hat sits there in its beige glory.
A week passes, untouched, unmoved and he never came back for his hat.
I figured ‘well we are all friends here and because I know this person who left that hat why not just borrow it for a bit?
It goes well with this outfit I have on and of course, the first moment I see him or I know he’s gonna be around I’ll leave it out for him.’
I had possession of this hat for the month of December and I kept it in my room.
So this new year, we had a get-together at my house again. The guy who originally had the hat came by, and he never mentioned the hat and I totally forgot to give him the hat because the last thing on our minds is the hat.
Because it’s such a small insignificant thing and the things on everyone’s mind at this point in time are our friendship and togetherness and anticipation of the new year and drinking.
The next day my partner and I go to breakfast together and it was cold out so I offered her a hat to wear and yeah it’s this guy’s hat.
And she kept wearing it thinking it was mine and when it was time for her to drive back home I gave her one of my hoodies and let her keep wearing the hat because it was cold and the roads were a bit icy and she didn’t bring her big coat so I wanted her to be well equipped just in case on the off chance her car broke down or she got stuck or something she wouldn’t freeze to death.
It was only after an hour she left and I remembered oh god this was my friend’s hat. But I didn’t really worry because I know she will return this hat. So to me, it’s comical because I know that in due time this man will get his hat back to him.
I tell my roommates the story and they start getting on my butt half serious half joking that I’m a little thief and how now they have to start worrying about leaving their stuff around the house all willy-nilly.
I tried explaining to them that if this hat was so important to this man he would find time in his busy schedule which consists of a full-time job, working on truck engines in his free time, spending time with his partner and other adult stuff that literally everyone else has, to come and get his hat.
But my roommates didn’t really care about my point of view and they got me heated enough to make this post.
So now because they annoyed me I’m gonna get this hat back and go out of my way to personally return it to him.
But in the meantime what do you guys think? Am I a thieving jerk who purposely takes other people’s possessions and gives them away to others with no remorse?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s really not that deep.
This item has been sitting around your house for ages and has been forgotten about by the owner and by you half the time and it’s literally like a $10 hat. Unless it’s some sort of family heirloom or a favorite item of his (which it’s seemingly not on his radar really), it can literally just be replaced in the worst-case scenario.” aroundyourroom
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The way you worded this post makes you a jerk holy jeez I’ve never seen someone so sure of their moral superiority and ‘I-Know-I’m-Right’ ness. Every sentence you throw in wild hyperboles like ‘so she doesn’t freeze to death’.
And ya; you should have given the hat back. And not worn it. I slept over at my friend’s once and needed to borrow a shirt, didn’t get it back to her before we started work, and then she went off to uni.
Had that shirt for eight months and never wore it. I washed it, hung it up, and just a few days ago when she got back from uni for a break I got it back to her.
Don’t wear other people’s stuff without asking. Seems like common sense.” One-Stranger
Another User Comments:
“Meh. I probably wouldn’t have given her that hat. You could’ve given her any other hat you have.
But do I think you purposely gave her the hat as a gift forever? No. People have left stuff at my house before and never come back for it for years, and eventually, it is the thing I lend to others when they need something.
I would say NTJ. Especially once you went out of your way to get it back and deliver it. But try not to lend out other people’s stuff again.” mkat326
