People Want Us To Interpret Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
16. AITJ For Selling My Aunt's Stuff And Keeping The Profit?
“This happened a while ago, one of my aunt’s friends just found out about it Saturday, and now drama!
My aunt is severely bipolar AND has Parkinson’s. Her quality of life had been going downhill and it reached a crisis point where intervention was necessary.
She was involuntarily placed in assisted living. Having someone controlling her medication, diet, and hygiene has made a massive positive change in her health. My dad (her brother) took over all her finances because she wasn’t paying bills and was going on manic shopping sprees (she consented to this).
Before the intervention, my aunt bought an adult tricycle for both transportation and exercise. She has to use a walker. The purchase was delusional.
I was switching jobs at the time and left my job a month earlier than planned to help.
I had no income for that month, but my parents covered my rent and COBRA. I bathed my aunt, cooked for her, etc., for 5 days/week for 3 weeks. After she moved, my parents and I cleaned out her house. She had dog urine and hair caking everything.
That’s in addition to the general grime and occasional rotting food. Most of the furniture, books, etc had to be destroyed. We filled 2 dumpsters and had to wear gloves and masks. We found mummified vermin.
What furniture could be saved I cleaned then sold at a garage sale.
I sold the trike. My dad said I could keep all the money made as payment for my time and effort. As he is controlling her finances, my aunt had no idea that the money wasn’t deposited into her bank account.
No one lied to her, it just never came up. I don’t know whether it matters that at the time she had so messed up her own medication that she was a zombie and incapable of consenting to anything. She’s better now.
Last week, 9 months later, a friend expressed interest in buying the trike. My aunt felt bad it was already sold and offered to cover the price difference between what she would have charged for it (less than it was worth) and the cost of a new one.
My dad said no. It came out that I kept the $ made from selling my aunt’s stuff. A different friend of my aunt’s said I had no right to sell anything (that it should have been put in storage because another monthly bill to pay for things she will never use again is a GOOD idea/s) and any proceeds from the sale should have gone to my aunt.
Now my aunt is upset and my aunt’s AA group is all spamming me on social media about how I’m a jerk and a thief.
So, on one hand, I did the work of a private nurse and a hazardous waste cleaner while sacrificing a month of salary.
On the other hand, this was actually her property and SHE never said I could keep the money and my parents did cover my major bills for the month. I also don’t know whether it matters that she was aware these things were sold, but just never cared about the money issue until her friend found out and got outraged and spread said outrage to their AA group.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and, jeez, talk about entitled. THIS is the reason so many people who need help from family and health workers become paranoid that they are being taken advantage of. If you had to sell her stuff to pay off her debt or pay for her current residence then you’d be in the clear, that’s what power of attorney is for, but y’all didn’t do that.
You took her stuff and sold it without her knowledge and used the bull crap excuse that you were ENTITLED to it, you weren’t. You really need to grow up and come clean and apologize to your aunt, she didn’t deserve for you to take her stuff and do with it what YOU felt was right.
And clearly, morality escapes your family because your dad should have known better and taught you better.
God! You honestly sicken me. I know from personal experience how hard this transition is for people who HAVE to go into full-time care and how they feel powerless.
The depression and fear are overwhelming and your actions just PROVED why their feelings are completely justified. God! Get over yourself, no one owes you anything. If you wanted to be paid for your services you should have said something upfront, not after the fact.
SOMETIMES YOU HELP FAMILY IN NEED WITHOUT GETTING ANYTHING IN RETURN! I hope karma catches up to you and your dad!” FormerLurker0v0
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because it’s obvious you didn’t realize this would upset her, and because this was your father’s decision.
Your father is the jerk here. As Power of Attorney, he should have kept meticulous track of all the assets, debts, and expenditures. By not doing that, he’s left himself open to allegations that he was stealing from her.
If he needed someone to clean the house, the best route would have been for your father to hire professionals.
Or, if that cost too much, document your hours and even photograph before and after. And then make a formal payment from the sale of the bike.
Pro-tip for others out there. No matter how much you love and trust someone else in your family, make sure these things are done correctly!” dorothydunnit
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The fact that the absolutely logical and empathetic comments aren’t sinking in is horrifying. And POA is about bills, end-of-life care, and protecting people from being taken advantage of. It does not mean a person no longer has a right to own things.
Things are important to identity and self-esteem. And holy crap is that more important when you have mental health issues or deteriorating health! The disregard for her humanity by selling things off to “compensate” yourself is level 7 crappy.
You deserve every bit of hassle you get.
Stop trying to justify what you did. Apologize. To your aunt and her AA ladies. And then sit with this.” mackmacd13
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As your dad was managing her affairs, there was nothing wrong with how work was completed and paid for.
It sounds like a very reasonable arrangement. It’s not as though anyone was taking advantage of your aunt. On the contrary, you were taking steps to improve her situation.
It sounds like your aunt is struggling to accept the reality of her situation and she’s lashing out at you.
She’s bolstering herself by recruiting allies. It’s sad really.” catcog
15. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go Back To My Parents' House?
“My daughter, Lila, is 3 months old, and a very loud crier. As my nanny Maureen would have said “she’s got a set of lungs on her”. GP and books all say sleep training should start at 4-6 months.
My parents live a few hours away and shortly before my daughter’s birth, mum had a knee replacement.
At her last checkup, a week ago, she was advised against driving for at least the next few months and told she won’t be able to drive long distances (like the drive to our place) until next year. Dad has an eye issue and legally can’t drive because of it.
As a result of this, they have yet to meet Lila. We’ve been talking on the phone where I’ve given them information, I’ve sent pictures and even face-timed them and put Lila on camera, and they’ve been begging me and my fiance to bring Lila to them for a visit.
We made the trip last weekend.
We arrived Friday night. Mum got dad to buy/put up a crib specifically for Lila, however, they put it together in the spare room. So mum and dad were in their room, I and my fiance were in the guest room, and our daughter was in the spare room.
The crib was heavy, wooden, and wide, and had come as a flatpack and was built in the room, and when we told dad that Lila sleeps in our room he and my fiance tried to get the crib into the guest room, but they couldn’t get it through the door.
There was no bed in the spare room so we realized pretty quickly that we wouldn’t be able to have her in the same room as us. We made our peace with it as the spare and guest room are next to each other and she’s so loud we didn’t doubt we’d be able to hear her.
Sure enough, Friday night, there are 3 total crying sessions we deal with.
Saturday morning mum tells us we should let her cry it out. I tell her we’ve not started sleep training yet because she’s too young and we don’t like “cry it out” in general. The conversation moves on.
Saturday night happens. We put Lila down, and go to bed ourselves. Within 10 minutes she’s crying. I get up, go to the room she’s in, and the door is locked. I panic, and go into mum’s room, asking where the key is.
Mum says we need to let her cry it out and start sleep training and she’s helping us do that. I then get dad, who tells mum to give me the key right now. She does, I get Lila, and put her back to bed.
The next day mum calls me a helicopter parent and says I can’t console her every time she cries. Dad and fiance tell her to leave it alone. We left Sunday afternoon (as planned).
Yesterday mum rang to ask when we’re next coming, and tells me the crib was bought for Lila when we came over.
I told her I need to think.
WIBTJ if I said to mum that I don’t want to stay overnight at their place anymore?
Just to add/clarify: we have no intention of letting her ever have to “cry it out”.
We think when it comes to sleeping in separate rooms (which is months away) if we do any sort of method it will be the pick-up/put down method, where we make sure she’s had a feed and a bath and is all good for the night, and if she cries during the night we will stay with her long enough to get her to stop crying/give her whatever she needs, and then leave her to it.
She’s also a month premature, so developmentally she’s closer to 2 months than 3. Also, my dad had nothing to do with locking Lila in, and didn’t know what mum was planning until I was in their room demanding the key, and is generally on my side in this.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you need to establish dominance to your mum that YOU and fiance are the supreme authorities when it comes to parenting Lila. And that she way overstepped her role when she disregarded your expressed, GP-approved sleep-training plan and forced control to have it done “her way”.
The mind just boggles that a (presumably excited and welcoming) grandmother (read: crib), when faced with a crying grandchild, would choose denial of comfort.
It’s not helping when you’ve been asked not to. It’s an imposition.
Nip this controlling behavior in the bud now or you will be fighting your mum/she will keep undermining you for many years to come.
I’d put her on at least a several-month time-out/cooling-off period, telling her exactly why you can’t trust her – she created an obstacle with the clear intent of denying you physical access to your infant child. Holy crap.” zanne54
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She locked a newborn in a room alone and wouldn’t allow her parents access to her. That’s completely unacceptable and dangerous.
I am a former childcare provider with years of experience and training. Not only is your baby too young for sleep training, but she’s also too young for “cry it out,” too.
It’s recommended only once they hit 1yr old that you should leave them to cry sometimes.
When a baby this young cries it’s for a reason. Whether that’s a real need like feeding, they just want comfort, or it’s colic, they’re telling you that they need help and your care shows they will be responded to and have someone they can trust. Ignoring it can lead to attachment issues, feelings of abandonment, and like their caregivers won’t be there for them when they express themselves.
1 year is when kids start developing their own little personalities and because they’ve learned that crying gets a response, they will start to use it to get what they want in conflict with what they actually need. Ex) 1-year-old cries when being put down for a nap because they just don’t want to go even though they need the sleep.
This is when you use “cry it out.”
You are perfectly justified in avoiding your mother. She overrode your parenting, put your baby at risk, and she doesn’t understand child development.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Absolutely do not go back over.
This is just the first of many disrespectful things she will do to you as a parent. Nip it in the bud, there are grandparents out there who think they are entitled to tell you how to parent and try to control things or just do whatever they please.
She’s not being helpful. You’re not a helicopter parent.
For years, I went back to my parent’s house for various holiday meals and was always berated by my intoxicated father. I have always had to sit there and take it.
Then one meal, he berated me AND my kid. That was a wake-up call. Haven’t been back since and made it very clear we wouldn’t be coming back. My enabling mom pretends it didn’t happen and I’m just “misremembering.”
You have a little family now.
Your parent’s feelings are no longer in your top three. Tell them your boundary and move on with how you want to parent.
As for sleep training, never worked for me. My kids both eventually found their sleep rhythm by 18 months to 2 years.
It was a long 2ish years but we got through it. Babies cry and have weird sleep hours, it is okay and age-appropriate. You are doing a good job! Just getting through the first 3 months is amazing! Hang in there mama!” Ramcem87
14. AITJ For Canceling A Tattoo Appointment?
“This happened last summer and kind of ruined a friendship I had with this tattoo artist, let’s call her Leah. I still wonder about this situation since I see her fairly regularly.
For some background, Leah and I are in the same extended friend group and went to the same high school. She’s given me a couple of free tattoos while she was building her portfolio and now does pretty well for herself.
She quit her job, rents a studio, and even travels to different cities to tattoo.
So last April, I wanted to get a small tattoo from her newest flash sheet. She said that I would have to put down a 30-dollar deposit, which I did, then we made an appointment for a month later.
I requested the day off work and that was that.
Now, the incident. Two of my favorite friends (also part of the friend group) were in town the week of the tattoo. They live in Canada and visit twice a year.
Anyway, we all share a love of the outdoors and wanted to plan an all-day hiking trip. As you can probably guess, the only day I was not working that they also were free was the day of my tattoo appointment.
So, I ask Leah if we can have the appointment in the morning. She says no because she will be up late the night before. I ask if there’s another day that works for her in the near future. She says no, she’s all booked up.
I say well I guess just fill me in for the next available time because I’m going on this hike. She then says she doesn’t want to tattoo me at all anymore and I’m being unprofessional by prioritizing hanging out with friends over her way of making a living.
I say that’s what the deposit is for. And now she got 30 free dollars for not having to do anything. Not to mention, I never see these guys whereas Leah and I live in the same city.
I should also mention that Leah absolutely loathes one of the two guys I went on the hike with because they went out in high school (we’re 23) and it ended badly.
I don’t know if that’s related because she’s good friends with the other guy.
Anyway, she kept my money, we stopped being friends, and my roommate (who is good friends with Leah) thinks I’m a jerk about that to this day.
Everyone else is on my side though. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Things happen and plans get rearranged. I understand why she is upset, as time is extra important to artists, but I think ending the friendship is overkill.
I also think it’s rude to judge why a person is canceling an appointment, your reasoning to her may seem lame, but it’s your own personal priority and none of her concern.” pokemonposter
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t really understand why she got so mad at you.
I don’t really understand tattooing and all that but it seems that all she got was $30. It hurts inside to have plans at the same time and deny someone else’s so I understand your pain and it didn’t help that she treated you like that.” YES154
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
As you said, that’s what the deposit was for. You gave her a few days’ notice so she could have filled it still. It’s fairly unprofessional of her to get mad at a client for canceling, regardless of the reason.
She may be mad that either she wasn’t invited or the history with the guy and she’s taking it out on you.” Reddit user
13. AITJ For Wanting My Sibling To Ask Before Cleaning My Side Of The Room?
“Context: my (22M) younger sister (20F) and I are both in college at the same college. Because my previous roommate graduated, I had an open space this year, so she and I are living together. Both of us are dealing with some heavy stuff (I recently came out to my family and it’s put a strain on everyone involved, and she’s dealing with a lot of changes in her path of study), so tension has been kind of high, to say the least. Our personalities conflict quite a lot, but we get along fine for the most part.
Both of us also have mental health issues we’re trying to sort out as well, both anxiety related. Mine make shifts in routine hard.
My sister is having a friend come over for dinner tonight at like 6 pm, and told me this 3 or so days ago, asking if we could clean before then.
Totally fine with me. I told her that work and class were keeping me pretty busy and I wouldn’t be home until late each night leading up, but I would get it done before her friend came over.
Cut to last night.
I admit that I’m somewhat of an “organized chaos” kind of person. I usually keep a lot of papers on my desk and it usually looks a little cluttered, but never anything excessive. However, I know where everything on that desk is.
If it gets moved by someone who isn’t me, I won’t know where anything is (this is related to my mental health things). I also have some dishes out that need to be done. I had plans to organize and get things clean after I got off work.
While I was at work, I got a text from her. The gist of it was “hey don’t be mad but I cleaned your side because I couldn’t stand looking at it anymore and I don’t want my friend to think less of us for having a dirty space.
Finish the rest tonight.”
I’m irritated, but I finish up at work and go home.
I get home and it feels like a completely foreign space to me. I don’t know where anything is. The papers I had to go through on my desk were all gone.
This set off my anxiety pretty badly. I told my sister as politely and calmly as I could, “hey I don’t mind if you clean up, but can you please ask me before you move stuff of mine? It bothers me when people do that and I don’t know where anything is.“
She immediately starts yelling at me, calling me a brat and saying I have an attitude. I tell her she would’ve been upset if I had done the same thing with her stuff, and she grabbed her stuff to do homework elsewhere because “I just can’t deal with you being a brat right now.” She hasn’t really talked to me since and didn’t say a word the entire time she got ready this morning.
I know I should’ve gotten around to it sooner because there was stuff I had to clean, but I honestly had no idea it was even bothering her that badly until all that happened. I’m just worried I’m overreacting to the “moving stuff” thing.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It might have been a no-one’s-the-jerk situation, but her attitude when you asked her not to move your things without permission puts her in the jerk category. Your stuff is your stuff and your space is your space.
It would be one thing if she’d asked if she could just tidy things up a bit, but she just went ahead and did it without permission. It sounds like she maybe had some anxiety over the mess and her friend coming over, but she should also understand that you have anxiety as well and be respectful of your boundaries.” ThielDeer
Another User Comments:
“Wow, so NTJ. She went through your stuff without asking you and gets mad at you when you don’t like it. I thought she’d understand your mental health issues surrounding that cause she has some herself and I know that not knowing where your things are can make one anxious (been their hun).
I get her side as well cause I hate looking at messes I can’t do anything about too, but I just always bug my friends about it until they let me help them with cleaning their room. Definitely not okay for her to scream at you like that.” LeeyaWilliams
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There’s a difference between general cleanup and cleaning your side of the room. I have had roommates who don’t clean to my level or clean as often. I still didn’t touch their stuff.
If someone actually remarked upon it I’d point out that I didn’t want to invade my roommate’s privacy or I was respecting their space.” RagaMuffinSun
12. AITJ If I Don't Want To Talk To My Roommate?
“So my roommates, Megan and Alan, and I have lived together for nearly three years. During this time, I’ve supported Alan through too much.
In his defense, he came from a crappy situation. He was my coworker and close friend and he was living on his own after his parents basically ditched him. So, when we all moved in together, he had no savings and couldn’t afford to move in despite making just enough for rent.
So I paid for his move-in fees. I also got him a bike so he could go to and from work and got food for the both of us until he could get back on his feet and told him to take his time paying us back to make sure he actually had savings.
While living together, Alan has had difficulty doing his chores to the point they could be left undone for weeks causing Megan or me to do them. We have had multiple house meetings (has to be 10 by now) about this, but it always comes back to him barely doing chores.
He eventually got a new job but needed a moped because biking was too tiring (no pun intended) because his new job was much more labor-intensive. I had to pay for the moped too or else he wouldn’t have a job.
No job, no money for rent, and so on.
With the job he got benefits and a therapist to help deal with his ADHD and Depression (to which we were trying to accommodate). The therapist was too far away for the moped and was also out of network, but it’s the one he chose, despite our offers to help look.
I started giving him rides to therapy.
During this particular year, it is important to note that I was going through the worst year of my life mentally and was seeing a therapist of my own, but was still keeping up with tasks and supporting Alan.
Eventually, our fourth roommate moved in, Olivia, who has a similar history of mental health as Alan. However, Olivia has kept up with her tasks with little to no issue. It finally became too much this last week when Alan said he was bringing a girl over on a night we were all planning to hang out on for a couple of weeks and wanted the house to himself.
We had a meeting Saturday where we talked about the state of things and where to go. Although, I was frankly too upset to say anything without starting to shout.
So, after helping him move in, paying for food, doing his chores, buying his moped, and trying to treat him like an adult, am I the jerk for letting it get this far in the first place, or am I justified in my current want to not talk to him at the moment?
Important notes: I have already cut him off from any support for a couple of months now, but he still doesn’t hold up his set of responsibilities. He has started paying me back, but it’s very sporadic and still kind of drops in the bucket.
We have tried many different approaches to chores for him to handle them without needing to be reminded, but nothing has worked, even apps. He is on the lease and him moving out isn’t an option.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You’ve gone above and beyond trying to help this person, who seems to have very little consideration for you or your other housemates. It’s reasonable for you to have wanted to help, and also reasonable for you to be frustrated that this person doesn’t seem to really value your friendship.” s****************s
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You’ve been so helpful to him. Definitely have gone over and above. So he’s being really crappy to not do some chores in a shared home. Sorry I don’t have any advice but you’re not in the wrong!” VioletTurner26
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your frustration is totally warranted. mental health issues are not an excuse to completely get out of all of your responsibilities.” newaxcounr
11. AITJ For Compensating My SIL And BIL For Their Help?
“My husband and I relocated to another country a couple of months ago. We needed some help, so my husband suggested asking his sister and brother-in-law (my SIL and BIL).
I was against this because I knew they would use this against me and/or him (they have done this before, offering to pay for our meals, etc., and later saying we took advantage of them).
So, when asking SIL and BIL in person, we offered them half of our deposit (so they get around USD 1400) for their help, including 1.
returning the keys to the landlord and getting the deposit back, 2. sending stuff that we packed to our new home overseas. #2 will cost less than USD 400, and the remaining money (around USD 1000) is enough for tickets for them to visit us.
They can do whatever they want with the money, totally up to them. Doesn’t have to be visiting us. They accepted and were clearly thrilled. They even texted us later that they’d probably visit in summer.
Fast forward to January.
SIL and BIL have done #1. We sent them the money and asked them to do #2. BIL told us our stuff is in his car but it’s been taken to repair, so he can’t do it until he’s got his car back.
We said we’d just wait.
Last week, SIL told my husband in their family group chat (which I’m not in) that they didn’t help us for the money. They simply wanted to do us a favor. She said she’ll return the money, but she won’t mail our stuff.
If we insist, she’ll also pay us whatever it’s worth but we’ll have to pay for his car repair that broke because of our stuff (they haven’t mentioned this until this moment. Didn’t mention how it happened). Then she went on and on about them taking a day off work just to return the keys, that they’ve done so much for us, how I’m disrespectful to her and my MIL, how we’ve been ungrateful all these years, and calling me crazy and names.
We haven’t talked to them or even read their texts since then.
The reason she mentioned my MIL is that we had a fight with MIL before we moved. Unrelated to this but it involved SIL’s daughter. SIL’s daughter apologized to me, which I didn’t ask her to and I didn’t and still don’t want her apology.
SIL is very protective of her daughter and I guess that’s why she’s mad. But SIL and BIL seemed cool with us up until now. They and my husband had been texting and talking since we moved, just like normal.
I think since they accepted the money they should just do as agreed. If they really think giving them money in exchange for their help is insulting or if it’s troublesome, they should’ve just told us or rejected us at any point before we moved. We would’ve got someone else to do it.
I have to confess I don’t have a very good relationship with SIL and BIL. We don’t text or call, but it’s not like we’d argue when we meet at family events. That’s also why I was against asking them at first.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They sound like crazy makers. If they were insulted by money (minus shipping costs) it would be very easy to say that they didn’t require payment. And their behavior is very shady – right now they have the money and are refusing to ship your stuff?!
Definitely massive jerks, and I hope you get your money back and find someone to ship your belongings.” bluedog33
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I did stuff like this for mere acquaintances regularly when people were PCSing and I never charged for it.
They’re being ridiculous.
What a bunch of manipulative jerks.
Do you have any friends who could go get the stuff and ship it for you?
Seriously, if you lived near me, I’d go get the stuff and deal with it for you.
It’s stressful enough to make a big move. To have your stuff being held hostage is not cool at all.” CheyBridgeMan
Another User Comments:
“Honestly, if you all know you did nothing wrong, I’d send a mildly threatening “resolve this or small claims” letter and then follow through.
Sounds like the drama with these people isn’t going anywhere, so can’t make it any worse right? At least you may recoup your stuff. And maybe, if you follow through, they will stop being manipulative thinking there will be no repercussions.
NTJ.” thin_white_dutchess
10. AITJ For Forcing My Graduate Student To Walk Upstairs?
“I am an assistant professor at a university with an office on the ninth floor of a building. I hold regular meetings with graduate assistants, and they are expected to attend unless they have a really good excuse. Failure to attend results in less involvement in research projects.
This system is common here, and I must abide by it to maintain the respect of my department.
Today, unfortunately, the elevator is out of order. My assistant had surgery three weeks ago and has a brace. She asked if we could meet in a lower-floor communal area.
There are people who walk in and out of there, and I feel like it would be too distracting. I told her that meetings are always in my office, as planned, and unless she had a statement from a physician that she could not go up the stairs, I would not change the location or cancel the meeting.
I have no doubt that she can make it up the stairs, it would just take her longer than usual. She could arrive at the building earlier.
Apparently, she complained to the department head. I talked to her (the head), and she said that it is my right to hold meetings wherever I find them appropriate.
However, she also said, and I quote, “it seems like a (jerk) move.” I was taken aback by the inappropriate language from my head, and I am considering filing a complaint against her with the ombudsman. Sounds like someone who will seek retaliation if she is so quick to make gender-based slurs against people.
I do not think I will file a Title IX claim against her, but that is not off the table. I told her I did not appreciate her words, and she said, “Just consider what I said. You can require the meeting where you would like.”
I did require it in my office. My assistant made it up. She did not seem to be in any more pain than normal. We had the meeting. I reminded her that I allowed her three weeks off from meetings, which is a big deal to me.
I expected her next week whether or not the elevator is repaired. This is an inconvenience to me, as well. I am not a big fan of walking up nine flights of stairs in dress shoes, but I have to do it.
A colleague of mine told me he would have just met her downstairs, but he did not think I made a ‘jerk move.’ Another colleague told me that she would have never done what I did. I feel like they might be talking about me behind my back.
Hopefully, it is not the department head spreading rumors, but I will surely find out.”
Another User Comments:
“OP is so far up their own behind I’m not surprised they work in academia, even though they’re just an assistant professor.
What a shock they think they’re important enough to flex over the people working with them despite not having an actual title. Academia is so rife with this kind of bull, it’s tiring that the stereotype is so common.
OP you are such a jerk that I don’t even know where to begin except to say you do a huge disservice to your university for the way you’re behaving.
Your dept head’s behavior is something to be addressed outside of this situation, but you are brushing dangerously up against a meeting with your University’s HR and accommodations team. I’m guessing your assistant is a student.
‘I reminded her that I allowed her three weeks off from meetings.’
I mean yeah, if they need accommodation and can provide proof, that’s kind of what you’re required to do by law. If you WANT your assistant to start getting doc notes, be prepared for her to start doing it, and at that point be prepared for HR and/or the student DSA team to be so far up your behind you’ll be spitting out pay stubs from the payroll team.
The long and short with injury and disability accommodations is that if they ask and it’s reasonable, provide it. If it’s anything more in-depth than that, then you start looking into getting paperwork taken care of. No University, company, entity, whatever, wants to even come close to having to deal with any kind of DSA-related legal issues because almost every single time, they will lose.
And no University ever EVER wants to be caught between a student and a disability-related case. Oh God, the carnage that would ensue.
So yeah OP, feel free to keep pushing this one. Rest assured it’s not going to go the way you expect it to.
And yes your colleagues are talking about you behind your back, and no it’s not because of your department head. With your attitude, I’m guessing you were a social pariah long before this happened. So good luck with that.
And note to any other assistant profs, profs, or people working in academia in this thread – no offense meant.
It’s just mind-blowing to see all the stereotypes about our field personified like this.” beepborpimajorp
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Absolutely, in every respect.
The stairs thing… meh. If you’d stuck to some idea about privacy and equitable treatment, I’d think that you were probably well-intentioned but going about things the wrong way, and also need some updating on things like the ADA and the fact that graduate students are still students and as such their supervisors have a duty of care towards them.
But construing “(jerk) move” (which is an extremely common, totally innocuous phrase among a certain generation/geography, right up there with “dude”) as a gender-based insult and moving straight from there to the ombudsman and potential Title IX claims? You aren’t just the jerk in this situation, you appear to be a congenital jerk.
But, look, I work in the same industry you do, and I get the impression from the way you write this that you may be very new at this, and it’s possible that your Ph.D. supervisor didn’t do a very good job socializing you–so there’s a chance that you’re not a congenital jerk, you’re just clueless.
If the above is not true, if you’ve been in this job for more than the past six months, if the awkwardness comes from you trying to disguise potentially identifying details, then YTJ forever, but on the chance that it is… Dude, the path you are on is not a path that is going to benefit your career in the long run.
Someone did you a grave disservice when they failed to sit you down and explain that in spite of those lovely stereotypes about socially maladjusted academics who just focus on our research all the time and maybe occasionally make students cry, the reality of the profession is that it is extremely people-centered.
You need to get along with your students, your staff, and your colleagues, for thousands of reasons from big (your colleagues will be voting on your tenure eventually and if you think that personality doesn’t play into that then my friend I have some investment opportunities I would like you to consider) to medium (yes, fundamentally your job is to teach students and sometimes being overly concerned with being liked gets in the way of that–but at the same time, teaching students involves being able to engage them, even when the subject at hand isn’t the most naturally interesting thing in their lives) to tiny but still significant (do not underestimate the ability of your staff to make your life significantly less pleasant by just doing exactly what you ask).
A department is many things, but it is fundamentally a community. People have relationships (no not like that, do not mess around with your colleagues or your students). People observe other people’s relationships. The way you respond to one person will inform the way other people see you.
You’re working in a high-stress environment where you’re depending on other people to bring their best, and people will not be able to bring their best if they need to be always half on guard against saying or doing something seemingly innocuous that will set you off.
So far you have:
- Demonstrated an extreme degree of inflexibility to a person in a subordinate position.
- Not handled a gentle intervention from your department chair particularly well.
- Flipped things around to make yourself look like the aggrieved party and spread that grievance around to at least two other colleagues.
Hopefully, you had the sense to keep the official complaint threats out of those conversations, because otherwise, the signals you’re sending to all your colleagues aren’t just “I’m kind of a jerk, think hard about whether I bring enough value otherwise to be worth tolerating”, but actually “I am extremely difficult to work with and will throw quasi-legal tantrums at the smallest perceived slight”, which to be quite honest is the point at which I would expect your colleagues to start actively looking for a polite way to ease you out the door.
Hopefully, for your sake, your publications are strong enough that when that happens you can land another position, and if you are lucky enough for that to happen then I sincerely hope you learn from this experience and behave better at the next job.
Assuming you were more restrained with your colleagues than you have been here, however, the situation may still be salvageable. Apologize to your assistant. Tell her that at the time you were very focussed on fairness and equitable application of rules, and concerned about privacy for the meeting, but on reflection, you realize that there was probably a better solution and you’ll work with her for the next few weeks.
And then write to your chair and thank her for her intervention because it helped you to see another side to the issue, besides your concern for fairness and equitable application of rules. And maybe ask if she can help you find an appropriate meeting room on a lower floor of the building if the elevator’s still broken next week.
And never, ever throw a temper tantrum like that again.” jashuhg
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, and if you’re in the US, the grad student has a basis for an ADA complaint against you now. Even if she doesn’t take action against you, you’ve undermined the trust she placed in you in her moment of need, and you need to repair that before you require her to do anything further.
I suggest reversing your decision on expecting her to climb those stairs again next week. You might not have an assistant for long if you stick to your guns on this, and every time she has to make that trip increases the risk of her re-injuring her knee.
Regarding others’ actions: Department head was fine, aside from not informing you that this was an ADA issue that you needed to accommodate even if you could normally make decisions on where meetings were held. You don’t need a doctor’s note because you already knew your assistant had knee surgery.
Calling something a jerk move is also fine. Colleagues talking about what you did is also fine. You did something wrong, and the best thing you can do is accept your judgment.
I need to explain why what you did here is a problem above mere jerkery so you can learn from this experience and do better next time.
You knew that your assistant had knee surgery, and you should have known already that climbing flights of stairs puts stress on that knee and should be minimized before she told you of the same. It costs you nothing to change the location of the meeting to somewhere that works better for everyone, and the grad student could have gotten re-injured and cost the university a huge lawsuit payout due to your actions.
You don’t get to test whether grad students are making up their accessibility needs because that’s discriminatory.
Luckily, you still have time to improve the situation and earn back your assistant’s trust. I suggest reaching out to her immediately to apologize and offer to move future meetings to a ground-floor location that works for both of you.
Accept and meet whatever needs she tells you about, without challenging her or requiring her to prove it. Do the same with all your assistants moving forward. If she lies or takes advantage, that’s on her integrity, but it costs you nothing to just go along with it and you’re not that kind of doctor to be able to make medical determinations.
Alternatively, since this is a meeting, it may work even better if you have future regular meetings over Skype or a similar platform, and reserve in-person meetings for specific situations where the online format isn’t enough to effectively work as a team.
Rather than following existing norms as you’ve been careful to do, you will earn more respect within your department by setting your own norms in support of those under you. You will also find that your assistants do better work under more humane conditions than what we’ve gotten used to in past decades.
I believe you can do this if you re-frame your attitude as a supporter of those working under you, and I know from experience that it earns you far more respect and future opportunities than journal publications or teaching evaluations can.” TatharNuar
9. WIBTJ If I Asked My Parents For Half Of The Insurance Payout?
“When I was learning to drive, my parents “bought” me a used car to learn in. They gave me a budget (not a lot, but enough to get a decent and safe 10-year-old car) and I had to look for a car in that price range, but ultimately they had the final say.
I finally found a car that everyone agreed on after months of looking and researching. It was said at the time that this would be my car, and they would do the same for my brother when it came time for him to get his license.
(I did not expect this, however, my parents wanted to make sure we got the opportunities they didn’t get when they were kids).
A year or two later my brother got his license. It didn’t make sense to pay two insurances and registrations on a car, so we agreed to share it and my parents would put aside the money they would have spent on my brothers car to share between the two of us, and we would share the profits of the car if it came time to sell it (or one kid would buy the other one out).
From this point on, I could count the number of times I drove this car on one hand. The number of times I drove it for myself was probably 0 because whenever I needed the car it wasn’t there and I ended up driving my partner’s.
During this, I was still paying half the insurance and registration. I was also paying for all maintenance on the car (my partner is a mechanic, so he did it for cost price, however, no one else paid anything), cleaning the car occasionally because no one else did, and even was forced to chip in for a battery change because my brother ran it flat by leaving the lights on constantly.
The battery change was the final straw for me. I stopped driving it completely so I could finally break away from it when the next registration was due. During this time I had to undertake work experience, and so I needed a way to and from work every day, which I couldn’t even though I technically should have had the car at least half the time.
As a result, my partner and I searched for a used car for myself, which he paid upfront for (with me to pay him back, presumably using the amount I should have gotten from my parents). After I bought it back in May 2019, my parents said that they would give me the money from their tax return (July 2019).
Now I’ve lost my job, so I could really use the money I was promised for my car that I still haven’t received. I let it go this long because I don’t like to rock the boat or ask for too much.
However, this month my brother totaled the car (he is completely at fault, and this is his third accident). This means insurance is paying out the value of the car, less the excess (because of his age, the excess is about half of the payout).
My brother is under the assumption that he will have the leftover money from insurance (plus the money my parents put away) to buy a new car. Would I be the jerk if I brought it up and asked for half of the insurance payout of the car?”
Another User Comments:
“Typically, I try to boil down a post to get to the core of the issue. But there are so many minutiae in this one that it makes it difficult to get to the gist of it.
For starters, you and your parents had an agreement. This agreement changed and has kept changing as time progressed. That is not fair to you so I’m inclined to think your parents are being jerks.
Next, you and your brother were supposed to share the car.
But he seemed to be the only one driving it. I’m not sure if it is because neither of you worked out a schedule or he would just simply take it without informing you but either way he was being a jerk for continuing to pretend as though it were his car despite you having done all of the maintenance.
He is also the jerk for assuming he can have the insurance money plus the money that was put away.
Lastly, you need the money that was promised to you. You are certainly entitled to half of the money that was put away by your parents because that is what was promised to you.
However, if you really did break away from your previous car like you said you would then I’m not sure you are entitled to the insurance payout. But I think that hinges on whether or not you had actually taken yourself off of the registration and were no longer making insurance payments.
In the end, I think you are NTJ if you ask for half of the money that your parents put away.” Virulencer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you are playing a dangerous game due in part to a lot of assuming.
You need to gather as much evidence as you can regarding receipts or create some sort of itemized list of the costs you’ve paid that shows you put a bulk of funds into the car.
Normally I’d say start at the lowest level and discuss the insurance payout with your brother, but I have this itching feeling he wouldn’t have a very mature conversation about it.
Regardless, this deal was made with your parents so sit them down and explain essentially what you told us in this post. Don’t insinuate you are owed this money, but bring up the fact that you got the raw end of the deal and want to make things somewhat right.” _AirForceJuan_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but with some disclaimers:
Any solution has to respect the available funds your parents actually have. They may have promised you this money, but if they don’t have it, it won’t matter.
You can ask for half of the insurance money and half of the 2nd car money, OR none of the insurance money and all of the 2nd car money.
You cannot ask for half of the insurance money AND all of the 2nd car money.
There are some complicated arguments you could make on which of those distributions is slightly fairer. But chances are they work out very close to the same anyway, so it’s probably best to avoid the argument and just all agree on the easiest one.” Kerostasis
8. AITJ For Not Keeping My Mouth Shut?
“I (F31) have two friends, let’s call one Adam (M30) and one Brian (M26).
I’ve known Adam longer, about 3-4 years now. Brian and I became friends about a year ago. I consider both men equally important in my life.
Adam and Brian knew each other but were not friends. Recently they were working on a similar project and I convinced them to work together.
They both seemed to enjoy working together. I made it clear to them that if they had any issues I didn’t want to be in the middle of it because I like them equally.
Brian is a flirt. He started bragging about a girl (let’s call her Chelsea) and then a couple of months later asked me if I knew that Adam was seeing Chelsea.
The problem started when Brian began to tell me how Chelsea would flirt with him, send him inappropriate photos, etc. He told me she was sending these photos unprovoked, while intoxicated and “looking for attention.” This started BEFORE the two were seeing each other but continued afterward.
Brian was talking about getting inappropriate photos from Chelsea in January, a month after she started seeing Adam. I told Brian I was uncomfortable with this and didn’t want to hear about it. I would ask him what he was doing to encourage these behaviors.
He said nothing and continued to insist it was unprovoked. I told him he should stop talking to her altogether and that Adam should know.
Brian didn’t respect this and kept providing me with information about her. A few weeks ago he admitted that he and Chelsea would hook up over the phone and that she told him he “fulfilled her more than her partner.” Brian told me that I was free to tell Adam about it when their project was over but when they did finish, he refused to tell Adam or let me tell him.
Again, I expressed to Brian that I was uncomfortable with this and that if Chelsea was doing these things Adam deserved to know. I spoke to Brian a few times to try and convince him to tell but he refused and continued this behavior.
On Saturday I was frustrated with a comment Adam made and I cracked, telling Adam that he had no right to bash another couple when Chelsea was doing what she was doing. Adam confronted Chelsea, Chelsea confronted Brian, and so on.
Brian blocked me everywhere and told me he wants nothing to do with me. He said that he doesn’t care how close I was to Adam, he confided a secret in me and it was my job to keep that secret.
Adam says that after talking to Chelsea, he believes Brian is lying. He says Brian is all talk and if they did do anything it was before he and Chelsea were seeing each other. He isn’t mad at me for telling him, but he said that Chelsea is “no longer comfortable” with him talking to me and has asked him to block me from his life.
Because people might ask, there’s no jealousy here. I’m in a very happy relationship and have never had romantic feelings for either one of these guys.
Should I have just kept my mouth shut?
Edit: I wanted to just clarify that when I told Adam it wasn’t in a heated conversation.
I was frustrated at having this secret, not at the comments Adam was making, which isn’t clear above because I cut some stuff out without realizing how it made that section come across. Nothing about our conversation was me lashing out at Adam.
He’s not angry at me at all and understands why I didn’t tell him sooner as he agrees Brian put me in a crappy situation. It’s Chelsea that wants him to stop talking to me.”
Another User Comments:
“ESH, though Adam/Chelsea are excluded from that.
You chose perhaps the worst possible situation to reveal that secret – when you were angry and therefore not entirely clear-headed. That probably made things worse overall for Adam and more uncomfortable for Chelsea if it is indeed untrue because now everything comes from a place of hostility.
You should have told Adam earlier, without being provoked into it by something, so that things might not have gotten as heated if it did turn out to be false.
Brian can screw right off. Whether it’s true or just an invention, his telling you all that and then ordering you to keep it a secret was so wildly inappropriate I don’t even know where to begin.
Make sure he stays out of your life, he’s not a friend.” DoctorNovakaine
Another User Comments:
“ESH, let me see if I get this right. You have information that Adam is being taken advantage of and only tell him because you are trying to take some high road that he is criticizing other people’s relationships?
Doesn’t sound like you really care about that friendship. The only one here who maybe doesn’t suck is Adam though, and if this girl is actually being unfaithful to him he should get a bit of a spine.” Wetmoon12
Another User Comments:
“I will say ESH. Not your relationship, not your business. Also, you didn’t tell Adam as a friend, you blurted it out because you were being petty. That being said, everyone else in this situation sucks too.
If these guys were actually your friend, they wouldn’t react this way.
You’re better off without them.” descolero
7. AITJ For No Longer Working Hard?
“I (30M) have been working at my current job for over 5 years. This is my first job and I had struggled for two years before finally finding employment here. All my friends were working for over two years by the time I finally found work, so obviously I had a lot to prove myself for.
In the two-year gap between graduating college and finding this job, I was in therapy for bipolar disorder, OCPD, and severe depression.
So naturally, when I found this job, I threw myself wholeheartedly into it. My first boss was extremely encouraging and supportive and under his guidance, I quickly rose from a raw unpolished trainee to someone that could be relied on to make sound decisions and get the job done.
As with corporate structures, my boss changed and was replaced by an “outsider” who was a good man but as he struggled to adjust to our workplace, I struggled to adjust to his requirements too. He left after a year and was replaced by one of the most difficult people to work with in my company.
Let’s face it, my boss is a difficult man. He is impatient, frustrated, and demanding to the point of being insane and impractical. My colleagues and I have been struggling under him for the past two years. We end up glancing at our watches and our heartbeats rise in stress just as he is about to arrive for the day.
“What’s he going to shout at us for, today?”
A lot of my boss’s negative behavior has rubbed off on me. I’ve grown impatient, frustrated, and can barely control my temper. My intermediate boss (the one between the difficult boss and me in the hierarchy) and I had one of the best working relationships which has been ruined.
Every month our boss holds a review and berates us. At the end of the year during our appraisals, he makes sure to rate us poorly and give us the least salary hike possible. Not only that, he openly criticizes us saying we aren’t worthy of any hikes at all.
Needless to say, we have been pretty demotivated all this while. The market was going through a slump for many months now and we were barely surviving but there is some recovery and that has meant that we now have more work than we had in the past year.
That translates to extended working hours and often working on Sundays too.
In the past under my old boss, I had worked like a mad man. Often spending 30+ hours straight to get the job done. Worked every single Sunday for three months straight.
Now under my current boss, I simply don’t feel like putting in any effort to work anymore. I mean, what’s the use? Appraisal time is in two months and I won’t be getting any benefits from him and even though the increased workload requires I help out a bit more, I simply don’t feel like it.
This was pointed out to me by my intermediate boss who said that I no longer work hard and have become lazy.
So, AITJ for not wanting to work hard anymore?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
But your mindset is a bit confusing.
You started your career at 30, put a few years in, and now you’re burnt out acting like you’re close to retirement.
Working long days or 6-7 days a week is normal for many trades if you want to get ahead… you have to do more than the traditional workload.
Giving it your all for a few months then stepping back when it gets tough isn’t good enough. If you want to get ahead in the world, it often requires scarifies. Doing the 9-5 /M-F will get the job done but it will likely not get you up the ladder.
If you’re not happy… find a new job. There’s so much out there in almost every trade.” ExWebics
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If it’s to the point that this is the hill you’re ready to die on, you should definitely start looking for a new job.
Motivation comes a lot from bosses and managers and this guy seems really hard to work under. That being said, if you slack he’s probably ready and willing to fire you. Good luck.” woozijihoon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Burnout is a very real phenomenon, and managers are literally hired with the expectation of improving employee morale and motivation to prevent burnout.
Sounds like your boss isn’t good at his job, and that you either need to start job hunting elsewhere or go to HR about his behavior.” Type-APersonality
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Boss for obvious reasons.
You for becoming a bad employee and not caring about the work you do or finding a new job.” Reddit user
6. AITJ For Calling My Dad A Jerk?
“I’m 22 and my dad’s always been a piece of crap. He was unfaithful to my mother and emotionally messed with us all. Every holiday, birthday, and vacation I can remember always ended in tears. He’s not healthy to be around so I try to keep a distance for my own sanity, however, he works close to my sister and me so, he’d pick us up and drop us off during the week.
It just made sense. We were civil enough to do so.
A couple of months ago my dad was over fixing something on the house (we live there w/o him but it’s the house he grew up in and wants back when we move out) and there was a leak under the sink.
He told me to call my mom and ask if she knew why. I did, she said she didn’t, and I told my dad she didn’t. He passively says, “Of course she doesn’t. Why would she?” That ticked me off but whatever.
So he’s removing everything from under the sink and asks me to wipe the bottles and supplies down once everything’s removed. I say sure and wait for him to finish taking everything out.
About after 45 seconds, he aggressively says “So WHEN do you think a good time to start wiping these down would be?” I’m 22.
I don’t need to be spoken to like a child. He told me to start when everything was out of the cabinet and that’s what I was waiting for.
So I calmly stated, “you don’t have to be a jerk about it.” No raising of my voice.
No attitude. Just the words.
He blew up. SCREAMED at me never to ask him for anything ever again (which I haven’t.)
He never apologized for being a jerk and I never apologized for calling him one. This is how our relationship works.
We “move on” and continue to be civil… enough.
Now to yesterday. We come home from work and my dad stops in the house to speak with my mom about the divorce. I overhear them and he’s being totally unreasonable and communicating like a child.
He decides he doesn’t want to do this right now and walks out of the house, with many snarky comments on his way out. I look at him but don’t say anything.
He texts me a few minutes after he walks out, “Sorry.”
I said “I have nothing to say to you” because I didn’t. I hated the way he was talking to my mom when she was speaking to him with a level head but if I comment on anything he would blow up.
Speaking to him requires walking on eggshells.
Well, I guess he didn’t like my reply and sends me this long paragraph about how he’s the victim and there’s two sides to every story and so on. I didn’t answer because 1.
I was at the gym and 2. I still didn’t have anything to say because he was still acting like a child.
He texts me back a little later saying I will now be paying for my student loans. I’m not complaining about paying.
I am complaining that this is something he holds over my head and uses as ammo during an argument. He is still paying for my sisters, just not mine. Also this morning on the way to work he told us he will no longer be driving me or my sister.
Am I the jerk because I called my father out a few months ago and now my mom, sister, and I are all being punished?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – sounds exactly like my father I broke contact with 10 years ago.
Congrats on being so patient till this point, I had people trying to convince me I had to be nice to him because he is my father. Words from people who don’t know that living with these kinds of people is a nightmare.
Every time I read something like this, it breaks my heart, because I can feel the emotions I had while I had to interact with my father, again.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“You need to remove your sperm donor from your life.
He’s emotionally torturous and acts like a white knight. He’s not worth having around if you have to walk on constant eggshells. Get out yesterday. You’re not the jerk for calling him out the way he is.
You’re the jerk if you keep him around. He’s only going to use you until you’re of no use to him.” ChiquitaBananaKush
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I highly doubt these “punishments” stem from your one comment. You will need to work on communicating with your father if you want to live in his house and receive monetary compensation from him.
At least it’s better than living with him.” vatoniolo
5. AITJ For Demanding A Mom Pay For Dance Photo Retakes?
“I (31F) have a daughter that is 6 years old, she has a self-stimulatory behavior where she flaps her fingers to get extra sensory input. She has been having problems with one of the girls (Bailey) since the beginning of the year.
Thankfully it had never gotten physical, however, she has said nasty things to my daughter about her ‘flapping’ and genuinely makes my daughter feel like crap because of it. We have spoken with the teacher, principal, and parents several times, but sadly nothing has happened.
I take my daughter to dance lessons every Thursday and almost 2 weeks ago they were getting their outfits for their first recital as well as pictures, however, if you were unable to attend the pictures that day, you had to pay out of pocket for the photographer to reshoot (minimum was 265$ ) not to mention trying to work with the other moms and dance studio if you wanted group photos done.
I went to go pick up my daughter from school, it was nice outside but she was wearing her hat and looked upset, I tried to get her to talk to me but all she said was that she wished she could get her hands to stop moving and that she was weird.
It broke my heart. I tried telling her it made her unique but she got more upset and took her hat off and started crying. One side of her hair was cut off. I lost it and started crying, asking her what happened, and she told me Bailey was making fun of her again and cut off her hair in class.
I went into the school and lost my mind at them for not calling me about what had happened, I told them they better deal with it this time and that I wanted another meeting. My daughter had no interest in going to dance that night, so I kept her off as well as school the next day and took her for a haircut over the weekend.
I finally got my meeting with Bailey’s mom. It went exactly how I thought it would, her apologizing over and over again, that there must be more going on between Bailey and my daughter because ‘Bailey would just never do something like that for no reason.’
It ended with me telling her to figure out what’s going on with her daughter as well as handing her a bill for $325 for the missed photo session (which is what it cost to get exactly what we missed the first time around).
She laughed in my face when I told her what it was for and said she was in no way paying for it, that kids do these things, she was sorry about what happened, but hair grows back and nothing was physically stopping my daughter from going to dance that day.
The principal tried to intervene but I bluntly told them either she was paying for it, or the school was and left.
It feels fair to me, however, some of the other moms messaged me and said demanding pay was taking it too far, as I should be concentrating on fixing what’s going on between the girls, my SIL also thinks it was just an unnecessary power move.
Edit: Note that it was the day of the photos that this all went down between Bailey and my daughter, (if I wasn’t clear about it originally). My daughter LOVES dance and the girls in it, it’s actually the only time she doesn’t have to self-stimulate as she is completely focused and passionate about it, she couldn’t wait to dress up and have the photo shoot with her friends… she was understandably devastated after this happened, I wasn’t going to have her miss out on this because of a child with a poor attitude that faces no consequences for their actions.
Please note the police have been involved in this, but I have yet to hear anything back. Where I live, when they are called in regards to bullying, what happens is an officer and social worker go and meet with the school, the child who is the bully, and their parents.
Once they decided there is in fact a problem, they make an action plan for the child, the parents, and the school, where they then have to meet up once a week to ensure progress is being made to correct the bully’s behavior, and that the school is doing their job to ensure it isn’t happening again.
If nothing is happening or working, and they identify what the problem is, they will then instate fines/charges, and take corrective steps in their own hands.
I was told to not mention this to the parents or the school until the police/social worker has contacted them, as it may change their habits and answers if they knew beforehand.
My husband and I are taking care of the bullying problem, my question to this is only in regards to the payment for the photos.
I have received an email from the principal asking for the exact amount and if I would be able to meet with her today when I pick my daughter up.
Not too long after, I was notified that a social worker has met with the principal and the staff involved.”
Another User Comments:
“I will start by saying NTJ, because you have been through a very traumatic event and are acting out of righteous anger.
I have to add, however, that the main point of your post is you asking if you’re a jerk specifically for invoicing a mother of another six-year-old who ruined your daughter’s hair for a missed photo session for a dance group.
Let’s look at this logically.
I’m seeing a slew of knee-jerk emotional reactions from commenters that are horrified by the assault that took place, which is understandable, but the assault itself is separate from the issue of you later physically handing the other mother a bill for the missed photo session, which technically is the main point of your post.
The fact of the matter is, you can’t force Bailey’s mother to pay, she clearly isn’t going to, and if you sued her you’d lose. So “it will cause her to discipline Bailey” is an irrelevant argument, unfortunately, because it won’t happen.
It also comes off a little bit like you’re seeking revenge against the mother for something her six-year-old did. It’s not going to work.
The school is the liable party here.
Aim your anger at the school and collect your reimbursement from them.
Cutting off another’s hair is an egregious assault, it happened while the school was responsible for supervising the children, and for you to not be notified is especially an outrage. It also seems like it would take quite a while to cut off half a head of hair; that is some extreme negligence on their part.
You did suffer monetary damages, of course, your daughter wouldn’t want to memorialize what happened in a team photo shoot, that’s heartbreaking to even consider. The cost of the haircut should also be included in your losses. You probably have a winning lawsuit against the school district, and should threaten them with just that.
If it comes down to it, add in damages for pain and suffering, you and your daughter deserve that as well.
Additionally, I could see this being quite a story on the six o’clock news. They screwed up big time.” ColorbloxChameleon
Another User Comments:
“ESH except for your daughter.
I understand you are upset, but you cannot force Bailey’s mother or the school to pay for a dance photo reshoot for your daughter. You and your daughter made the decision for her to not attend dance that day (full well knowing the photo shoot was scheduled).
Also, it sounds like you went in “guns blazing” so to speak, instead of trying to talk to them in a calm and rational manner. As an adult, you need to learn how to interact with others properly, even when you are upset.
I really hope your daughter did not see or hear this interaction.
Bailey’s mother needs to have a serious talk with her daughter and discipline her for her actions. It sounds like she is being too blasé about the situation.
She might have been more cooperative had you not “lost your mind” on them. Although I still wouldn’t expect her to pay.
Bailey is a little crap, but she is only 6 years old. She needs adults to teach her how to behave better.
Maybe provide her mother with some material explaining your daughter’s condition so they can better understand her. Kids don’t just know why other kids are doing something out of the norm. This sounds like a great opportunity for a teachable moment.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you won’t be able to get monetary damages from Bailey’s mom, as she wasn’t supervising the kids when the unwanted haircut took place. However, you can go after the school, especially given that the school:
- Failed to IMMEDIATELY call you once they caught wind that this happened.
- Have failed repeatedly to take action against the bullying.
- Left them unsupervised long enough for this to happen.
In short, you probably have a very strong lawsuit against the school on your hands.
Talk to a lawyer though, I am not one, plus your local laws may have something to say about this. Plus I could outright be wrong.
Anyways, suing the school will probably get them to finally start taking this situation more seriously once their lawyers get on the school’s (and the school board’s) butts.
Not to mention you might be able to go the discrimination based on disability angle (again, talk to a lawyer).
They seem to be banking on you not wanting to rock the boat too much so they won’t have to rock the boat too much on their end.
So if you sue them (or at least send a letter of intent) it might be enough of a rock to force them into action. You may also want to go over the Principal’s head and go directly to the school board, especially if your local board of Ed meetings is televised locally.
As for the mother, you may want to contact CPS and express your concerns about Bailey’s and her mother’s behavior to them. It could be that home life factors are causing Bailey to act out, and CPS may be able to either lend her family the help and services they need to get things back under control or light a fire under them to cut the crap out (or if the situation absolutely calls for it, even remove Bailey from the home).
Plus if Bailey’s mom tries to retaliate against/take her anger out on Bailey then CPS can step in. If she goes after you then you can simply call the cops on her. (If the cops won’t do anything, then a local elected official can help clear red tape or light a fire under the cops’ behinds.)
Good luck!” Railroader17
Another User Comments:
“Listen, what happened definitely sucks and it seems like Bailey and your daughter need to be sat down and talk this through.
Bailey’s mom sucks for not taking your previous complaints seriously. However, you also suck for demanding she pay you for the photoshoot.
That was a bit of a Karen move, to be honest. Neither Bailey nor her mom chose to have your daughter do such an expensive shoot, you did. They also didn’t choose to have her miss the shoot, you did again.
This would have been a great opportunity to teach your daughter that being different doesn’t really matter.
You could have made her wear some sort of hair accessory or do something cute with her hair to kind of hide that it was cut.
It would have been a teachable moment and in a few years, you could look at those pictures and have a good laugh about it. Instead, you chose to not send her to the shoot and thus taught her that looking/being different is something shameful that should be hidden.
That’s on you, not on Bailey’s mom. Demanding this lady pay almost 300$ for it, even though she apologized profusely for her daughter’s behavior according to your own retelling of the story, is acting in bad faith and will do nothing to help your daughter or repair her relationship with Bailey.
I get that at the moment you were emotional and upset, I really do. But if I’m fully honest with you ESH a little in this situation.
The commentators who told you to get the police involved suck the most, though.
I urge you to reconsider this. It will do nothing to help your daughter and it was recommended to you by strangers on the internet who, for all you know, could be a bunch of kids with no real-life experience.” Here2JudgeU
4. AITJ For Wanting The Airline Points?
“When I started my new job a couple of years ago and knew I’d be traveling quite a bit, I signed up for the Delta AMEX card, and as soon as I got all of the bonus points, I signed up for the Marriott VISA card.
This is called churning, and if you are responsible and on top of finances, it can be a great way to get a lot of miles and points for things you’d be spending money on anyway. (Note–if you aren’t good with money then don’t even think about doing this.)
A bunch of friends and I have an ongoing message group where we stay in touch. About 18 months ago, after my success at getting all these miles and points, I asked the group if they knew about churning, and we had a good discussion.
This discussion included Friend B and Friend C. At that time, I mentioned that if anyone wanted to try it out, I had some referral codes for each card that they should use to get additional miles for themselves and also some for me.
Nobody took me up on it, but no big deal.
Fast forward. Last weekend, friend B jumped back on and said “AMEX is running a good deal on their Delta card right now. Here are all the reasons you should sign up for it.
If anyone wants to, let me know and I’ll give you a code, so you can get more miles and I can get a 10k mile bonus.” I chimed in and mentioned that I thought the bonus with my code was 20k, so if anyone actually wanted to sign up, let me know and I would then send the extra 10k miles to friend B since my code was better (keeping 10k myself).
So tonight, C sends a message to myself and B, saying “I’m going to get the card. The first one to send me their link gets the referral.” I saw it and sent him my link. I also sent a message that said “B was the one who brought this up, so feel free to use his link.” Before B saw it, friend C went ahead and signed up, and said “Sorry B, you snooze you lose.” Shortly thereafter, B jumped on and was clearly bummed that C used my link instead of his.
As it turned out, the code was the same for both of us, and it was 15k miles. I told B and C that I would be happy to split the 15k miles, and would send him 7.5k once they came in.
B responded that was ridiculous and left the conversation.
Then he texted me, saying he expected me to send him all 15k miles. “I’m not mad, you just need to know you don’t jump in and overtake like that.” We argued for a bit texting, I said that it seemed to me that he jumped in since I brought it up a year ago.
I didn’t argue long since I hate conflict, and ultimately sent a message back to the whole group that if anyone else wanted to sign up, please use B’s link, I didn’t mean to cause problems. Then I apologized to B in a text message.
I can’t say that I felt sorry though. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for sure. You were the one who brought up the card first, and then B went and signed up, without your code after you specifically offered it at that.
C used your code and therefore all 15k miles should be yours. The fact that you were even willing to split it in half was so thoughtful on your part, but 100% not necessary at all. So for B to have the audacity to demand all 15k is ridiculous.
Don’t send B even a fraction of the total, keep it all, they definitely don’t deserve it.” daughter-of-dragons
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. First, because you offer a referral bonus a year ago and nobody bites. Now the same offer is made by a friend and you just had to jump in on top of it.
That’s not cool. As soon as you saw the referral offer was the same you should have backed off. These aren’t people to exploit for profit, these are supposed to be your friends.
Second, because all this conflict and drama is over $150.00!” cobright
3. WIBTJ If I Cut Contact With My Mom?
“I (24F) have always had a strained relationship with my mother (53F). For context, my father (56M) divorced my mother and moved out when I was 20. He always involved me in their unhealthy marriage. When he left, she and I spoke and seemed to resolve our issues.
I cut all ties with my father.
Throughout my childhood and adolescence, I was subjected to subtle mistreatment. One instance was when I was hospitalized and when she came into the emergency went “your hair looks horrible” and only visited for 5 mins because “I was disrupting her routine”.
There were many, many stories like this.
Fast forward to now, and I’ve started to see that what I put up with in childhood was emotional mistreatment that has continued. She’s always had quirks that I just took as normal: she does dishes 8 times a day with me always having to help, does not let me cook, makes me pay her bills for her (thankfully with her money), sort her work phone bills, would go in and clean my room or demand I do it while I was paying to live there.
My room was messy but it was never overtly dirty. I also kept common areas clean the way she wanted, and did most of the work around the house while working full time.
So, I moved out last year. My mother did not help whatsoever in any of this.
She moped around, whined about being alone, and told me that I needed to visit her once a fortnight while telling me openly “oh I’m never visiting you, you live too far” (I moved a 50min drive away).
She still hasn’t visited me, hasn’t done anything, doesn’t bother trying to call unless she needs something, when I do visit I have to pay for everything.
I left my dog with her until she could get a new dog to keep her company. We paid 50/50 for my dog, and my mother was adamant about splitting all of the costs 50/50. When I lived with her, I ended up taking over sole financial care for both dogs at the time.
She expected me to continue to care for and pay for the dogs even if I moved out and the dogs remained with her and started to cry and go “you don’t love them” when I said I wouldn’t.
If she wanted to keep them it was her responsibility.
While in her care, however, my dog suffered an ACL tear and required a several thousand dollar surgery – the injury happened on her property, with her dog, and under her care.
The only reason my dog was with her was because she demanded she stay there to keep her dog company.
She did not offer to help financially support me whatsoever even though she has tens of thousands of dollars in savings and I’m financially struggling.
She’s also being completely unsupportive emotionally, doesn’t take on board what I tell her, and even demanded I bring my unwell dog over because “she didn’t get to say goodbye”.
I’m tired of giving in to what she wants all the time and maintaining a superficial unhealthy relationship.
WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, screw that, she is completely unhealthy to have in your life, I would have cut any and all ties long ago and moved forward with your own life. Sure it’s unfortunate that you were given the parents you were, but you should move on and focus on building your life, and stop being dragged down by your mother’s bull.” KingHythetic
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Although I would try to talk to her/really hammer that point home first, but at the end of the day, eliminating toxicity from your life is always an improvement. Good on you for seeing through to that, and good luck.” teruhana
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. People seem to have this idea that we need to stay in touch with and even forgive family members who’ve hurt us. This isn’t the case. You have a right to terminate any relationship, familial or otherwise, that’s causing you harm (physically, mentally and emotionally, and financially).
You are allowed to walk away from any relationship. You deserve to be treated with basic kindness and respect and to be validated and have your boundaries met like anyone would want.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Look parents are just people, sometimes they suck (like people).
I do think that people these days use the word “mistreatment” pretty liberally. Sounds like you had an imperfect childhood raised by a flawed human, just like most of us.” Peenutbuttjellytime
2. AITJ For Texting My Roommate We're Moving?
“We have been living with my current roommates for about 6 months. We moved in because our last lease was up and he had to move his mother into assisted living.
It was a hard time for them and even though we weren’t super close, we saw they might need help and it was a good deal moneywise.
When we looked at the house the first time, his mother was still living there so we couldn’t see much and the house was filthy and smelled like animal feces and urine.
They said it was because it’s hard to clean with the mom living in the living room on the couch because she gets combative when her things are touched. We understood and told them if they need help before we move in to call us.
About a week before move-in we go back to the house to deep clean our room and bathroom. I end up deep cleaning the laundry room where the dog is kept when no one is home because it smells like feces and urine and the kitchen as well.
I worked really really hard to get everything okay before we moved.
Fast forward about a month after move-in, I find out I am pregnant. We had discussed this with roommates before moving in because we had been trying for a few months.
A few weeks later, I get very sick because of the pregnancy, throwing up every few hours. It gets to the point I can’t leave my room even to get to the front door without throwing up because of the animal smell.
I get my fiance to say something, they say he’s a tiny dog with a tiny bladder. This brings up a lot of issues they have with us that have never been brought up before.
I try to explain that I am an introvert and awkward and like to stay in my room, but it’s difficult for me to be anywhere else because of the smell and they get upset and the conversation goes nowhere.
I started looking for other places to live.
We found somewhere nice that we could afford this week, and it is two beds. I waited until we got approved and sent a text to our roommate that we were moving out, and gave him the date.
When I got home everything exploded. He asked my fiance to come into the living room and started yelling about how it was disrespectful to send a text and how we didn’t give enough notice and how we took advantage of them.
He stormed out of the house and slammed the door. My fiance came into the room and said that he thought it was wrong to send a text to tell them this, but I honestly didn’t think anything of it.
I sent the text because-
-
I have really bad social anxiety and I cry when I feel stressed and have to tell someone something.
-
Trying to have a conversation in the past has not worked.
-
I didn’t think it was disrespectful to send a text, I was trying to be polite and let him know as soon as I found out and not wait until we were home at the same time.
Maybe I’m not seeing something, and I plan on apologizing for hurting their feelings, but I can’t help but wonder AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You are pregnant. You don’t need this stress. It was a known issue how you’ve felt about the smell of the place.
You’ve tried to resolve the problem and it didn’t work, noting they have a small bladder as an excuse. They bring up more issues they have with YOU that you weren’t aware of.
You sent a text, that’s pretty darn great.
It doesn’t matter how long of a notice you gave in my opinion, if it’s unsafe living conditions for YOU and your CHILD which definitely would be a stress, get out and you did. Living in animal feces isn’t healthy and being pregnant and stressed will impact your body and child.
There are so many risks and complications that easily happen while pregnant. Keep yourself safe.
You have proof you notified them of your leaving, and anything else would have been courtesy which they don’t deserve.” Slingsyogurt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ since they’re basically your landlords, you must give written notice. This is what the court goes by. You should also explain in an email, that due to your morning sickness and the animal smell, the combination was affecting your and the baby’s health.
It sounds like they really needed your monetary help and moving out knocks them for a loop. The roommate should’ve handled it better.” WavesnMountains
Another User Comments:
“Some people just don’t like getting news through text. Also how much notice did you give?
A month is standard but since this isn’t like a big company landlord, 3 months is more polite and gives him a penalty of time to find someone else, though the living conditions you are under sound ridiculous and revolting, I’m happy you’re getting out.
NTJ.” sushi_with_an_n
Another User Comments:
“I think YTJ for giving less than 30 days notice via text. I hope you plan to pay in full for March. This friend may not have a mortgage to pay but I’m sure he has other bills—like for his mother in assisted living.
Now he’s going to be short in March without an opportunity to bring someone else in. Even without a lease, 30 days’ notice is pretty standard.
If your anxiety is so bad that you can’t have difficult adult conversations then you could’ve had your partner do it.
HE even says it was out of line to send a text like that.
Important discussions should not happen via text just because you’re uncomfortable. May want to work on that because you’re going to be a mother.
How are you going to deal with daycare providers? Doctors? Teachers? Coaches? Other parents? How do you work and avoid all conflict?” CheyBridgeMan
Also pulling out information such as "Doctors, daycare, teachers?" Guess what? That's none of your business. She'll get there when its time to deal with it. Right now her main focus is getting out of that apartment.
1. AITJ For Wanting To Keep What Is Rightfully Mine?
“I’m a student, just turning 18, and I’ve grown up in a split household. My parents are separated, I live with my mother and visit my father on weekends and holidays.
My father also provides me with social security benefits, meaning that since early last year my mom has been a representative payee who is meant to handle the money for me. However, I am mentally and physically capable of handling my own money, and even have a checking and savings account, meaning that since I am now turning 18, I can collect these checks for myself until the end of high school.
As my representative payee, my mom’s responsibility was to manage my money, giving me some and saving the rest when I needed it. However, she often refused to give me more than a few dollars a day, saying that I didn’t need that much money.
She also seemed to be using the money for bills and personal use, which is not allowed.
Tonight, I signed the papers which I have to take to my school to let SS know I am still in high school and therefore still eligible for SS benefits.
While signing these papers, I told my mom that we would have to go to the SS office together and that I would be the payee now. She said okay and then went back to doing other paperwork. However, a few moments later she barks “So I’m not seeing any of that money?
What do you need 1,300 a month for? You shouldn’t get any of that, I need it. Your father left me high and dry and I went into debt to keep us afloat, and now you want me to get a second job or something to survive?
You should be paying me rent!”
Side note – this comment made me suspicious. Before the checks started coming in early last year there seemed to be no financial difficulties, we were going on vacations and eating out for dinner occasionally, not struggling.
In fact, she’s received bonuses from her work since then, meaning we’re actually better off. Our mortgage and bills have stayed roughly the same and we don’t have any problem putting food on the table.)
So I respond, “If you need rent then make your 30-year-old daughter pay, why do you let her live free at home when she has a great paying job and OWNS A HOME that she rents out for extra income?”
Then she got indignant, saying, “Oh so I guess this is what I get for being a good parent, two kids who hate me. Fine, go pay rent somewhere else since you hate me and this house so much.”
Since this exchange I’ve sat in my room, thinking of my next steps.
I’ve previously consulted other online forums which helped me to look back at her previous horrible behaviors and control over my life. Simply put, I feel I have no other way out but to leave this house. I’m all ears for people’s opinions and glad I at least got this off my chest.
So the question stands, AITJ for keeping the money that is rightfully and legally mine, or does my mom deserve some/all of it? Her history of mental and verbal mistreatment has made me very wary of what she says.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – if you are getting social security benefits because of your father, then he must be disabled and receiving benefits. That money is being paid for your upkeep. Your mother is completely correct to use that money for household bills.
If you are receiving that money now because you are legally an adult, then your mom also has no legal obligation to provide a home for you free of charge. She’s not doing anything wrong.” RedditDK2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your mom is TJ for taking funds that are legally yours. Do you live in an area where you could afford rent with that money? Do you want to move out or do you feel like she’s giving you an ultimatum?
I’m sorry she’s putting you through this. Could you live with your dad?” ADogNamedBaby
Another User Comments:
“You ARE the jerk!! She is paying for all your crap and you ”need” that money? For what? If you’re so grown-up move out.
If she hurt your feelings then get over it. Your money, like you earned it? That money is supposed to cover your expenses so you can finish school instead of dropping out to get a job to support yourself. You’re going to have a tough life unless you drop this entitled attitude.” Slappy2274
