People Wonder "Am I The Jerk?" In These Stories
15. AITJ For Leaving A Mess At My Mom's House?
“When I was growing up, my mum would only ever do anything for me or my sister when someone was watching.
For example, she would take us to church, not talk to us in the car, as soon as we stepped inside she lit up like Christmas and became affectionate & praised us for things we hadn’t done, like ‘On the way here, (my daughter) said (something I didn’t say) and it was just so lovely.’
I know she was very depressed at some point during our upbringing. She said my dad fooled her repeatedly, but I have learned in my later life from an impartial source that he was unfaithful once after she slept with several men including our tutor.
Regardless, she slept a lot during my teenage years, and really only came to life if anyone was watching. I know that depression is complex and insidious, I struggle with it myself, but that is just part of the backstory.
She is in a relationship now, and demands I take my kids to see her every Wednesday. She is surface affectionate with them and says that it is dinner at Nana’s house, but she refuses to cook for them. I bring all the things, cook, and clean up afterward.
I’m not complaining about that, only I’m confused because she so often said when my girls were little babies that it’s so important to have a culture of togetherness, and for her to cook for them and she would insult my husband’s mother for being a poor cook and never ‘pulling out the stops for them.’
She won’t let my kids draw in her house because she says the pencils will ‘go through to the tabletop’ (offered mats). They aren’t allowed any toys. She demands they hug her a lot, and is offended when they don’t want to, but doesn’t make any effort to get to know them or play.
On a few occasions people she knows have come to visit her while we’ve been there and she turns into an entirely different person, ‘church mum’ as I remember, very attentive & getting out paper and when my girls look confused she gives this laugh and says ‘As long as you’re okay, I don’t care about the table!’ which is not AT ALL what she’s said to them before.
I am a person who is uncomfortable with confrontation, so I still bring the stuff and cook for them, but I have stopped doing the three or four items of washing-up that come from cooking their dinner.
The last few times, she has become visibly annoyed with me about this if I say we have to go and the house looks as if, well, as if her granddaughters have been there.
She has started to say things like ‘Oh, did you forget to do the washing up?’ and I just want to say ‘No, I didn’t forget’ but I don’t know if I’m being over-sensitive about this, or if it’s a non-issue.
She tells everyone on social media she cooks for her granddaughters every week and laps up the approval she gets for it.
AITJ if I stop doing things that she says she’s already doing, or am I overreacting?”
Another User Comments:
“What is wrong with your mother is way above your skill level to fix. She needs a therapist. That she won’t go is on her, not you. You’re not her puppet master so you’re not under any obligation to try to change her or make her do things she doesn’t want to do.
You’ve tried. You’ve gotten your daughters involved. Sympathy is one thing. But reality should rule your heart and mind here, especially when you and your children’s peace of mind is involved.
You’ve said in the post and replies that your daughters keep giving you visual signs that they’re not comfortable with your mother.
You’ve said that you were waiting for verbal communications from your daughters in order to decide if they wanted to stay away from her. Children don’t always give verbal communication. So visual communications should have been the hint you were looking for.
Realize that what you see is as good as verbalization. They’re not always going to say things, but you will see how they think by how they act and react. This goes for other situations in life too. So don’t always wait for verbalization.
Go with what you see and what should be your protective instinct as a mother.
Your daughters shouldn’t be part of this therapy you believe you are giving your mother. They’re not instruments of therapy. They’re people who don’t deserve to be part of these shenanigans your mother does.
It’s OK for you and your children to stay away from her if she chooses not to change her behavior. She’s made her decision. She isn’t going to change unless she wants to. She made life around her the way she wanted it to be.
When anybody is around her, it’s her world or else.
So you should do what’s best for you and your children. All three of you deserve a normal, healthy environment.
I’m not saying you’re a bad mother. Rather, I’m thinking your mother normalized harmful behavior so much so that you didn’t see this clearly as the situation it is until now maybe?
Maybe you should go to a therapist too to discuss your feelings?
Anyways, good luck to you and your children.” WaDaEp
Another User Comments:
“Unless you’re counting on an inheritance you might want to rethink taking the kids over there.
If you are counting on an inheritance you need to talk to the kids often about what is going on. Her ‘no you can’t, yes you can’ is extremely confusing, especially if she throws in some good ole gaslighting. Prepare the kids so they know grandma has the issues, not them.
Actually, considering your kids will meet all kinds of people in their lives, including other people with mental issues and phobias, it’s a good idea to teach them how to recognize and calmly deal with the problems. Because of your mom’s issues, you may end up doing more things than you should, and is really necessary.
You’re not being a brat but it’s up to you to decide how many contacts you want with her. I’m gonna say NTJ.” WowSeriously666
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mum is a nasty piece of work. She is an actress, extremely self-absorbed, and doesn’t care about anyone else.
You have been a saint to put up with her charade of playing loving grandmother and mother to the world. Do not feel bad about not washing up after you cook. It is a great kindness on your part to take your children to see her.” brownbird8888
14. AITJ For Expecting My Partner To Do More Chores?
“Me (22M) and my significant other (22F) have been together for 5 years now. We met in college and all things were normal as could be. 2 years ago I was kicked out of my parents’ house without a penny to my name.
My significant other was incredibly supportive and decided to get an apartment together with her savings and I promised that I would pay her back as soon as I possibly could.
At first, I was eager to show her and her parents (they are close) that I was not using her for her riches.
I got a job quickly and worked overtime so I could start paying rent and utilities asap. I worked long hours but still came home to help with all the chores and help with the shopping in order to prove myself.
Things eventually calmed down, I was able to pay her back and things have gone smoothly ever since.
As of today, our schedules are pretty concrete. I work about 52 hours per week between two jobs and end up working every day of the week.
My significant other works about 24 hours per week between 3 days. So overall I work about double what she does out of necessity since I pay for my rent, car, and all my personal expenses like health insurance, phone, etc. She however works part-time because she doesn’t need the moolah since her parents help her out constantly.
That’s all fine with me, at this point in our lives our finances are separate, and am happy that we are both secure financially, but after all this time we still split the chores equally
An example of what I mean happened on a Sunday.
I got home at 3:30 PM which is good for me since all other days I get home between 5-6 PM and was eager to play some video games. Well when I got home and sat on the couch the following happens.
SO: Hey we need to get started on the laundry, I’m out of scrubs for tomorrow.
Me: Do you think we can do it later? I’ve been dying to play.
SO: No, I’ve been waiting all day to do laundry.
I promise we’ll get it done fast and we can do it after.
Me: Why did you wait all day then? Why not start before I got home if you wanted it done so bad?
SO: We do laundry together.
That’s been the way we’ve always done it.
Me: (annoyed) Well, maybe if I had as much free time as you I would be eager to do the laundry with you. But I don’t. I’m exhausted and really need a break, so maybe just this one time do the laundry without me?
SO: It’s not MY fault you work as much as you do. I’m just trying to keep things fair like we always have.
I want to tell her that my long hours are necessary for me to survive and that watching her be able to sleep 4 days a week, go out to lunch with friends, watch her relaxing on the couch when I get home is killing me.
This isn’t her fault I know but in my mind why can’t she put any of her free time into the chores to help lift the load off my back? Part of this is the pain that she can’t see how hard I work and I wish I had the support she has but I don’t.
I feel like I’m being entitled but if something doesn’t change I’m going to overload myself. I wanted to get some feedback before I talk to her but AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She has twice the amount of free time you do; 50/50 may be equal but a caring, supportive partner who sees how stressed you are from your workload would voluntarily take on some more of the chore burden if it meant you could actually have a little time to de-stress.
Insisting you maintain the chore schedule the way it’s always been despite your increased work hours is how resentment starts to build, and it will damage your relationship and take you from resenting the situation to resenting your partner. Let her know that you are starting to feel overloaded by working more than full-time at work and having absolutely no downtime, so the two of you need to discuss some ways that maybe you could either do fewer chores or change up chores so that you can do yours when you need to rather than on her schedule; if she’s unwilling to change anything you should step back and think about whether you want to stay with a partner who would rather you live at maximum stress than make any extra effort themselves.” vodka_philosophy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You’re two adults with jobs and busy lives, so it seems like if you both just cleaned up after yourselves (including laundry) there’d be very little to worry about except maintenance stuff and occasional deep cleaning.
If either of you lived alone or with roommates you’d be doing that anyway, so it feels reasonable.
Waiting to do laundry together doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. Do you have to leave and go to a laundromat?
Laundry isn’t really an activity in my mind. More like something you do in between doing other stuff. Does she just miss you and wants to spend that time with you?” personofpaper
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If you lived alone you’d have to do all the chores and work to pay all the bills, and a partner isn’t a convenient way to get out of chores.
Having said that, you sound like you’re pulling your weight. Why do you need two people to do laundry? That’s not splitting the chores equally, that’s doubling the amount of work being invested into each chore. If she needs scrubs and has been at home all day, it’s just basic common sense to do her own laundry.
It’s pretty unfair to wait for someone to come home from work to make them do laundry with you when you had all day to do it yourself.
You’re not asking her to do all the housework, you’re telling her that it’s terrible time management to schedule her half of the chores around your already packed schedule, and forcing you to schedule you’re limited downtime around her chores.” ElephantJuiceYoyo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Look, I moved in with my partner 8 months ago and since then I’ve been trying to find a job. He works 35-ish hours a week and pays for almost everything. I am lucky to have supportive parents who send me bucks but most of the time I feel completely useless since I can’t contribute with anything financially.
Instead, I cook, clean, do laundry and dishes, grocery shopping, apply for jobs constantly, take out the trash, you name it. Naturally, since you work so many hours, you should do fewer chores. It’s common sense, yo.” ImclearlyBatman
RUN!!
13. AITJ For Getting Sick Of My Colleague Talking About Her Pregnancy?
“Sarah at work is pregnant, the other three girls in our office love to talk to her about the pregnancy all day.
And so did I, at first, but now it’s getting grating. A few examples where I almost lost it:
Sarah came to work on Monday complaining that she went bowling with her friends at the weekend, and they treated her like she ‘wasn’t even pregnant.’ Like… what?
So, they treated you like a person? How are they meant to treat you? Should they carry you to the end of the bowling lane so you can knock all the pins down with your bump? I just couldn’t join in as she whined about it, and while the others gave her sympathy, I rolled my eyes and got on with work.
Next, she signs a colleague’s birthday card ‘From Sarah + the bump!’ Why do you need to include the bump in the card? The bump doesn’t care that it’s Rachel’s birthday. We get it, you’re PREGNANT.
And now all she’ll ever talk about is being pregnant.
How hard it is being pregnant. How I can’t be as tired as she is because she SHES THE ONE WHO’S PREGNANT. How she has to have two midwives because of her anxiety. How she’s sleeping worse than anyone. How she was rude to a waiter for being late with her food but HAHA it’s only because she’s PREGNANT.
I can’t hear about it anymore!
I complained to one of the girls that I’m sick of the pregnancy talk and she told me I was being an impatient jerk. Am I being an impatient jerk or is this something that would annoy a lot of people?
Because I think it would annoy a lot of people but after her comment, I’m not sure.”
Another User Comments:
“Ugh. NTJ. I hate pregnant women that behave like that. Honestly, if I were in her shoes and that’s all my colleagues wanted to talk to me about I’d be insulted. like, you don’t care about my report?
Don’t give a d**n about the analytics I did for you? Not interested in including me in this meeting without some comment about my obvious belly? It would be like treating me as though I’m nothing more than a vessel for creating children, as though that’s my purpose.
And her encouraging this is almost like she’s making herself nothing more than an incubator. It’s freaking weird. I mean I know why she’s doing it. She probably has general anxiety or pregnancy-specific anxiety and is coping with it by constantly acknowledging it over and over as a means to try and control her nerves.
Trouble is a) it doesn’t work and b) annoys people.
Now I get why you’re getting snippy, but I don’t think what you did was out of line. you just expressed to a third party that you were feeling annoyed. Big deal. I would however encourage you to either tell her that it’s irritating and ask her to tone it down or just ignore it and try and avoid her.
Also, just imagine what she’s going to be like when she gets back from maternity leave… (eye roll)” User
Another User Comments:
“Well… you didn’t snap at Sarah, you just vented to your other colleague. So no jerks here.
A lot of people are like this about all manner of things-very attention-seeking.
If she weren’t pregnant but had a badly sprained ankle, she’d probably be the type to make a big deal about that too. Some people are just wired that way.
I’m with you. I’d be annoyed. And to be honest, if I couldn’t get away from the chatter and it was impacting my ability to focus on work, I’d probably say something.
Do you think it’s bad now? Wait till you get to hear all the birthing stories! (Gag!)
If I were in your shoes, I’d spin this a bit. ‘Sarah, I’m really happy for you and the bump. But some of these conversations make me pretty uncomfortable and are distracting me from my work.
Could you guys maybe do the baby talk over your lunch?’ And if you REALLY want to be extra, tell her that you have tokophobia (pathological fear of pregnancy).” CheyBridgeMan
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but clearly you can’t talk to these coworkers about it without arousing their judgment, so try to avoid doing so.
Unfortunately, she’s probably just getting started; as soon as the kid is out and can be photographed in 10,000 outfits and make new sounds and start to bumble around trying to crawl, there will be pictures to pass around and baby office visits and tales of sleep lost and…
It goes on. Your coworker’s life is changing in every way, and this is all new and exciting and makes her feel special. Is it really annoying? Yes. But it’s just part of life; I can’t fault her for uncontained excitement.
She’d probably rather be gushing to family members or personal friends but unfortunately, we spend most of our best hours at work so she’s getting it out with y’all instead.
Your colleague is the jerk for calling you a jerk.
There’s no denying that it’s annoying and to shame you for venting about it is mean.” ReflectionInfection
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for commenting on it. That said, I understand being a little tired of hearing about it. You could substitute anything and it would get stale after a bit if it was the only thing someone talked about.
I do want to mention that being pregnant can completely dominate the thoughts of the pregnant person. The stress, fear, lifestyle changes, body changes, financial worries, etc can completely dominate the mind of a pregnant woman. It is hard to grasp how overwhelming the whole thing is for a guy.
So, while I understand feeling annoyed about it dominating the conversation, I also feel like you should give a little slack for a person who has a lot on their plate and keep it to yourself in the future.” Leprophobia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not like you said this directly to her, and also this sounds like a bit much for the workplace, where you’re not expected to be her best friend/pre-natal group. Not exactly the same thing, but I worked with a couple of women who every single thing they had to bring back to themselves/their relationship/stuff going on with them, and after a while it became so tedious/frustrating that I ended up avoiding them when possible on lunch, etc. I’d be careful about saying anything again to your co-workers though.” bluedog33
12. AITJ For Not Allowing Someone To Play D&D?
“So, I (female, HS age) asked my friends if they wanted to play D&D via discord, with me running the game.
Got 11 responses. All the players and I are in the same social circle. We’re the stereotypical nerds, essentially.
A few weeks ago, a girl in our group – let’s call her Bianca – was harassed at a party we were all at, along with a few people I didn’t know too well; there’s a lot of overlapping circles in our whole group.
She didn’t, and as far as I know, still doesn’t know who did it. However, she knows approximately the people who could have done it, since they were all in the same area when this happened. One of the possible perps is a guy we’ll call ‘The Edge.’
The Edge is the epitome of the cringe emo teen. Constantly talks about depression yet is clearly just attention-hungry, talks about demons, considers himself a repressed artist yet only does MS Paint, genuinely thinks he can turn it into money, etc.
Months before I even considered DMing, he asked me to work with him on a project. Basically, he wanted me to write a story so he would pitch it, along with some art he did, as a video game. The idea was laughably childish, but I went along with it.
‘Well, that escalated quickly.’ That was my thought, as I found myself teaching him how to do actual digital concept art – the very thing he said he was fronting – writing the story and helping him make a portfolio of sorts for whoever he ended up pitching it to.
About a week after I sent him the first draft of the story, the messages me that he’s liked me for a really long time. I’m repulsed and politely tell him no.
After this, I was uncomfortable around him, but I never felt unsafe.
I’ve been putting up with stuff like this for several years, anyway. (#NotAllGuys, of course.) About two days after the party incident, he messages me asking if Bianca said anything bad about him (She hadn’t, not to me anyway), because she messaged him privately, seeming upset and apparently asked ‘imposing questions.’
Ever since I’ve been feeling unsafe at school. Course, I can’t say anything because accusing him without evidence would be a jerk move and probably backfire.
So, of course, he wants to play D&D. He’s ecstatic; nearly joins the D&D server where all the info is set up, including my address.
Luckily, he messages me before he sees it, asking for help making his character. I felt pretty scared at the prospect of him having my address, so I tell him that he was too late and can’t join.
The Edge doesn’t take it well.
He insults my DMing ability, demands a spot in the next campaign, and barely gives me a moment to type out a response. Eventually, I get him to back down. Doesn’t bother me again but gets passive-aggressive with players.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Even if he had absolutely nothing to do with what happened to your friend (and it’s entirely possible he is just a weird and awkward guy, not a predator), his reaction to being told no is enough to tell you he wouldn’t be a good fit.
If someone said, ‘Sorry, the groups are full.’ My reaction would be ‘Ah d**n, that sucks. Well, maybe next time.’ Disappointment is normal in that kind of situation.
What isn’t normal is jumping to insulting your DMing ability and demanding a spot.
For one thing, even if you were the DUMBEST DM in the world, it shouldn’t matter. You ultimately get to decide who gets to join since it’s your game session. He can make his own group if he thinks he is better.
Secondly, he is in no position to demand anything from you. It’s childish and selfish behavior.
It sounds like even if you did let him join he would quickly turn into the ‘That Guy’ of the group and no one would enjoy playing with him.
DnD is about collectively coming together to jointly tell a good story. Selfish people disrupt that and there are countless stories of DnD groups being ruined by people like this. I’ve had a front row seat to it several times myself.” JackalKing
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – it seems you are basing your conclusions on the fact that he is ‘creepy’. Why is he creepy? All you’ve told us is that he likes edgy things. Lots of teenagers are like that. He’ll grow out of it.
I would go as far as to say that you’re even accusing him of assaulting someone because he is ‘creepy’. Do you have objective evidence? It couldn’t possibly be the handsome guy in your social group right? Of course, he’s upset that you rejected him from the group.
He’s a kid who just got his feelings hurt. I can’t believe some people are telling you to call the police on a kid who hasn’t been proven to do anything wrong! He is guilty of being socially awkward and desperate.
To me, it sounds like you are ostracizing him from the group cause he’s weird, and that’s based on what you typed without knowing anything else.” CrabMac
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – as a DM you have the final say over the players at your table.
Regardless of your reasoning, if you don’t want him there, he doesn’t have to be there. The fact that he makes you uncomfortable and feels unsafe is MORE than adequate cause to boot a player. (I booted a suspected criminal just last year) Plus the way he reacted to being told the table was full (even if it wasn’t true) tells me you dodged a bullet.
Stay safe my friend!” Glitch1881
11. AITJ For Siding With My Sister Over My Half-Siblings?
“My sister is 43F, I am 27M and my half-siblings are 17M, 15F.
My dad had an affair and my parents divorced because of it.
The divorce was extremely acrimonious and my sister, who already had a really strained relationship with my father basically bailed my mum out and got her a really good lawyer through her work. As a result, my dad has to pay alimony and the assets were split equally.
(My mother was a stay-at-home mom).
My sister and father do not get along at all and she’s refused to have anything to do with our half-siblings despite my father trying to get her to meet them. If they are there at a family function, she will leave or not turn up at all.
The thing with my sister is that she’s a millionaire, she already earns a lot as a surgeon plus she’s invested in several ‘super clinics’ which are all doing really well.
As a result, she has a lot of pull and influence in the family especially since she will pay for some of my cousins’ education, etc, bailed out medical debts, etc, and has even sponsored a cousin over who now lives here.
Most of my father’s side is incredibly grateful to her and seem to think it’s worth excluding my father for. My sister is also well known in our community for her philanthropy in general (she leads a team of medical practitioners to lower socio-economic areas of our home country once a year) and that sort of thing.
It’s gotten to the point where even my father was excluded from his nephew’s (my cousin’s) wedding because my sister refused to come if he was there and she bailed out my uncle financially.
So that means my half-brother and sister also get excluded from my dad’s side because nobody wants to anger my sister.
The problem is, my half-siblings have basically spent all their lives being excluded in our community and family. Even the family of the woman with whom my dad had an affair has been shunned to the point that most of them have moved away or don’t participate.
Because of that and now my dad wants me to do something about it because it’s taking a toll on their mental health. I feel bad for them but honestly, it’s not worth it to me. While I am earning a good salary and have never relied on my sister for anything, I still carry a lot of resentment towards my father and I’m ambivalent at best towards my half-siblings.
My dad however is furious with me and is saying I’m a bigger jerk than my sister to know that my half-siblings are suffering and not advocate for them. I told my father he should move somewhere else then if it was so bad but he refuses to entertain the idea.
AITJ for siding with my sister?”
Another User Comments:
“You, specifically, NTJ.
But your dad and sister are both jerks. Your dad for obvious reasons but, at this point, your sister may be an even bigger one.
She has used her resources and influence to ostracize your dad.
But the other siblings and family members have had nothing to do with it and are also suffering because of it. You make mention of her charitable work but she can’t even help out her own family because your dad is a jerk and both are holding a grudge.
She’s literally making others who are innocent in all the drama suffer for the sins of one person.” User
Another User Comments:
“I mean, that all seems heavily dependent on exactly what went down between the sister and the dad.
There’s ‘I do not like this person but I guess I can pretend to keep the peace’ and then there’s a level of pure bitterness where just seeing someone’s face brings back horrible memories and ruins your day. Without knowing the specific details of exactly how much of a jerk the dad was and how the sister was affected by his behavior growing up, it’s hard to say one way or the other which one it is.
All the sister has done is help out her family/community but refuses to attend events where her dad is present. It sucks that this means people are forced to choose between the dad and the sister, but if seeing her dad affects her that much, it might not be a deliberate attempt to ostracize and be more of a personal feelings issue.
I don’t think she’s a bigger jerk than the dad, at any rate.
She’s not the one making the half-siblings suffer – the dad did that when he was a jerk to the sister. The sister doesn’t owe those kids anything just because they’re related, especially when the only connection they have is through the dad she considers a jerk.” oishster
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your dad and this woman made their bed. They can lay in it. From what you said about your sis getting your mother a lawyer, it sounds to me like your dad was prepared to take her to the cleaners at the divorce, leaving your mom with very little, and your sister knowing a good lawyer stopped that?
There’s a jerk point for your dad, to add to the infidelity.
Is your sister a jerk? Maybe a bit, she’s spun a bit of a web where people are dependent on her to an extent and they probably feel obligated to put her first. That makes her life easier as she gets first dibs on all family events.
However, she (and you) are in no way obligated to have a relationship with the woman your dad lied to your mom with, or the kids your dad had with his new wife. You’re in no way required to give up your relationships with your extended family because your dad acted like a pig.
You’re ambivalent about your half-siblings and their mother. That’s your right. You make your own decisions and choose who you want to love and consider family. Your sister is more than ambivalent, she’s openly hostile, and you trying to change her mind won’t work.
The woman is in her 40s and is clearly d**n smart. She knows her own mind, and you trying to change it will only strain your relationship with her, and it’s very clear that your relationship with her is more important to you than your relationship with them.
Really, it sucks for your half-siblings, but it’s not your battle. Your dad can take them to see family at times your sister isn’t there, can’t he?
You’re not the jerk. You and your mom are probably the only people in this story who aren’t somewhat the jerk.
You do what you’re comfortable with and put the people first who have put you first (in this case, your sister, even if she is mildly the jerk). Tell your dad it’s not your business, he needs to accept his relationship with your older sister is gone and he needs to work on building relationships with his other family members, but it has to come from him, not you.” Ermithecow
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If THEY liked your dad so much, they could still invite him. Sis might not come and they, in turn, might not be able to ask for money anymore, and they clearly decided the HOPE of future money was worth more than the relationship with dad or his other kids.
That’s on them. Even your uncle, who has already been bailed out by your sister, decided that her past generosity (which it’s not like she could un-give) was enough to make her comfort paramount.
I guess I’m saying, your father was probably a jerk in more ways than just the divorce and no one is jumping to his aid for a reason.
Sister seems like she was probably in her mid-20s when this all went down, so she’s probably seen some stuff even before the divorce. Sucks for the kids, but tons of kids have strained relationships with their extended family because one or more parents are the jerks and they learn to cope.
It’s a bummer, but it’s also life and they have another side of the family they can be close to- they aren’t orphans.” TaraBells
10. AITJ For Cutting Off A Rude Friend?
“So I was friends with this girl 1-2 years younger than me. (I’m 18 so shes is 16-17, which only matters because I know young people can change) We’ll call her M.
A mutual friend has been telling me about how homophobic and hateful she’s been to her in private, like bullying her and taking advantage of her, etc.
M and I got in an argument over how Chic-fil-A was homophobic for donating millions to anti-gay charities (didn’t say the people who eat there were homophobic, but the people who acted like donating to them was okay, and this was before the developments in the Chic-fil-A situation evolved).
She also said that they weren’t homophobic for being anti-gay marriage, because she was as well but she apparently ‘didn’t hate on gay people’.
She got her significant other to come into the comments to ridicule me, and I continued to stand my ground before they eventually just left and accused me of being sensitive and a witch for ‘acting like she’s homophobic’ (I may be, but that’s beside the point)
That next day I asked our mutual friend if I was in the wrong (she’s lesbian, so I wanted her input) and she told me that on top of bullying her and being homophobic, M had been consistently talking trash about me behind my back for years.
So I apologized for getting passionate about the argument but told her I now knew of all the things she has been consistently talking about me for years. (With my friend’s permission, of course, I didn’t want to get her in a bad situation).
She never replied, and I never messaged her again and removed her from my social media. A mutual friend is still friends with her.
The other week I was on Pinterest after a long hiatus, and was trying to figure out the update and accidentally sent her a pin.
Luckily it wasn’t something that could come off as me trying to talk to her- it was a storage idea pin. I apologized for sending it and she said it was fine. I replied with ‘at least you have some storage ideas now’ she ‘thanked’ me and I didn’t respond, but now I’m wondering if I maybe overreacted.
Young people say things, but I also do not want to be friends with a homophobe or be in a toxic friendship. AITJ for cutting her off?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – if you went out of your way to instigate the situation more, you would be.
However, it just sounds like you cut a toxic person out of your life. She’s young and her opinions might change down the road, but that’s not your burden. Nor is it your job to maintain a relationship in which you are uncomfortable.
Just move past it and you’ll be fine.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It doesn’t necessarily feel like she’s actively pursuing your friendship either, so there’s not really any outstanding conflict. Plenty of people will come and go from your life.
Especially once you’re no longer forced to interact daily as in high school or a workplace.” personofpaper
Another User Comments:
“You were NTJ. You don’t owe anyone your time or energy, not when they’ve been talking trash about you behind your back.
Doubly so if they hold prejudicial views. It was perfectly acceptable if you cut her off.
That being said, it’s possible that people change over time. While it’s not your responsibility in any way to educate her, consider this: in some ways, it’s probably easier for her to hear it from you than from someone she knows to be queer.” masochiste
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Maybe she’s just trying to be an edgelord to get attention, maybe she’s immature or dealing with pubescent hormones, maybe she’ll change in the future…
but as it stands she’s openly homophobic, she talks behind your back, and she’s cruel to your friends, and she tried to publicly humiliate you.
If anything you’d be the jerk to yourself and your mutual friends she’s also hurt if you continue to keep up this friendship.” Icy-Goat
People are not entitled to access to your life, end of story. It doesn't really matter WHY you cut someone off... if your own life and mental wellbeing are better off without a specific human, or a group of humans, then they no longer need access to you.
I spent 30 years trying to please a toxic "friend" and my whole life try8ng to be good enough for a s****y father. My life and feelings are absolutely inconsequential to them. My life has improved having removed them from it.
9. AITJ For Not Moving Out With My Partner?
“My partner and I both recently turned 22, and we’ve been together for five years now. She had a taste of living on her own during a college program a few years ago, and ever since she got back, she’s been ready to move out and start her life.
We’ve been going back and forth about moving out since. She wants to move out, and I don’t. I say I’m not ready because I still feel like 22 is relatively young, and I can save up for at least another year!
I just don’t see the big rush. I think it would benefit us both to wait.
I also bring up that I shouldn’t be pressured into something huge like this. If I say no, then it should mean no. She says that that’s not fair to her because I’m not taking what she says into consideration… but that’s a really big decision.
I would never go through with something she’s not comfortable with! She thinks I’m holding her back, and today I told her that I’m not stopping her from moving out. If she wants to, go ahead, but I’m not coming.
That’s why I don’t feel like I’m not holding her back or anything.
To her point though, we both work full time with solid jobs, and we both know we want to get married. Honestly, she’s the perfect girl for me!
I look forward to starting a life with her! When we fight about this, she brings up those two points, and all I can really say is that I want to save up and I’m not ready yet. I understand where she is coming from, that’s why I’m not sure if I’m the jerk in this situation.
However today, this argument was a lot different. We started talking about the same stuff I wrote above, but the conversation shifted. She then said that she’s been waiting for me to propose to her for a long time now.
We have a vacation booked, and she was expecting me to propose to her then.
This came out of nowhere, we were talking about moving out! She started getting really emotional and said that it would make her happy if I ‘at least’ proposed to her on the trip.
When I said I’m not doing that, she got angry with me. She said that I could make her happy if she had something to plan and think about until we move out. And all this didn’t really make sense to me.
She ended up giving me an ultimatum without saying it. Either I move out with her, or propose to her. That way she can be happy moved out, or she can be happy because she knows she’s getting married soon.
And I don’t want to do either thing (yet).
I was very upset at this point, but I kept my cool. I explained to her that I really am excited to start my life with her, and she really is the best thing that’s ever happened to me!
I really want to do all these things, but I just feel it’s too early. Why not save up? What’s the rush? We can make life so much easier if we just wait another year!
I then looked at the time and realized I was almost late for work, so I left, and I’m still here now.
She’s very upset with me, and I’m just sad. All this came out of nowhere.
I’m not sure if I’m the jerk here. So any feedback would be appreciated.”
Another User Comments:
“The vibe here was gonna be ‘no jerks here’ until she pulled that ultimatum thing.
NTJ – You’re doing what you can to communicate and I’m glad that you’re maintaining your position. It sounds like you understand where she’s coming from and why she wants what she wants, and that’s good. You also have a right to not change your mind unless something genuine in your circumstances sways you.
It’s manipulative at best that she wants to rope in the idea of marriage as a means of having this moving-out conversation– because she’s not really talking about marriage itself when she frames it that way. That’s taking your very real feelings of commitment to her and using them as a tool to push you into moving out with her.
You’re young, you’re trying to be responsible and not take risks you don’t think you’re ready for. And dude, you’re not married to her yet. It might suck for her that her partner doesn’t want to move yet, but at the end of the day, y’all just aren’t beholden to each other in that way.
I would be very wary of the way she’s acting. It’s not fun in the least to hear this, and probably even less so from a stranger on Reddit, but take it from someone who just got out of a toxic relationship: those are manipulation tactics.
That’s really unhealthy.
The best you can do is to keep communicating clearly and not make sacrifices you aren’t 110% okay with making.” sunsoutdrumsout
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – You guys seem like you both want different things, which doesn’t make anyone a jerk.
You are both still pretty young. I think you are being wise trying to be cautious about rushing to move out on your own. It was very expensive.
She seems to want some sort of guarantee that your relationship is committed, and she seems to feel anxious about your hesitance to commit to living together or getting engaged.
It might be time to have a serious, honest conversation about what you both want out of the future. My advice to people so young; life is long and the world is big. You two both have been going out since high school, and it can be hard to transition into independent adult life if you never let go of the familiar comforts of the past. There is a LOT of growing and maturing you’ll do in your 20’s, and starting your adult life with a committed partner means you deprive yourself of a lot of opportunities to grow.” pinupparrot
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have the right to not be ready to live with your partner yet and also have the right to not be ready to propose. She has the right to be ready for those things but she doesn’t get to push you into doing something you aren’t ready for.
Why would she even want a proposal she has to force you into doing? I would tell her that you love her but aren’t ready to take either of those steps, so if she feels she needs to break up with you over it then you wish she wouldn’t but you understand.” vodka_philosophy
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Sounds like you’re both at different places despite being the same age. She got a taste of freedom and living alone while you like where you’re at and have the ability to save some more money before that step.
She’s ready to start the future now and you’re okay with it remaining the future. Sounds like you both need to think about what you want, what the other wants, and go from there. The ultimatum of ‘move out or propose’ doesn’t sound like much of a compromise.” nidoqing
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – It sounds like she’s ready to take the next step and you aren’t. I don’t think that either of you is wrong, but this may be a crossroads in the relationship. I think that you both have to decide whether you’re willing to walk away over this if there isn’t a compromise that you both can live with.” personofpaper
8. AITJ For Firing All My Drivers?
“I own a decent-sized pizza place in a small-ish town.
It’s bordering on city territory in the size but regardless there are only maybe 4 other pizza places here. I’ve owned this store for going on 16 years now and have been delivering for that whole time; we started as a small place with only one driver to now we’ve expanded our delivery radius as well as moved to a newer and bigger location.
Since moving to this new place about 7 or 8 years ago I’ve had to hire more drivers. I get a lot of young kids and people looking to earn quickly as drivers which don’t bother me but it’s basically a revolving door for most people as a job and I understand that.
As it sits now I have 7 total drivers for our busy nights (usually Friday and Saturday unless I have a promo go on for the weekday for some reason). I have 4 dedicated drivers I’ve had for years and 5 guys/girls that come and go and have been here for a shorter time.
As far as pizza places go, we deliver almost anywhere within a 30 min drive which I understand is a long drive but we pay extra to the drivers for a long trip. A lot of these guys see when we get busy on a Friday and opt to take the trips that suit them best (up to 5 deliveries in one shot sometimes) but this problem lies with almost all the drivers in that they want to take the best trips that give them the most cash, not the most optimal trip.
For example, if I had a set of six deliveries for 1st street, 2nd street (up to 6th street) which let’s say all intersect (easy delivery), one person will instead take 1st, 3rd, and 5th because it gets them more money.
This annoys me royally as this makes the 2nd, 4th, and 6th street pizza late. If we’re talking 5 minutes late then whatever but when they pull this stunt sometimes these pizzas get VERY late (almost 20 mins) and this causes me to get grief from customers about it.
I have to give out coupons, free pizzas, free drinks, etc… because they decided to mess my whole order of deliveries up. I told them 100 times just do the order I give you and it’ll work out but they don’t listen and the drivers get annoyed and argue with each other (no fistfights but almost).
I told them 10 times if they pulled this stunt one more time I’m firing you all.
Well, today I made good on that promise and fired all my drivers and closed up for Friday which is a big day for them for earnings but I warned them SEVERAL times to stop doing this and they never listened. There’s no shortage of people looking for delivery jobs so I got all new drivers already so I’ll open up tomorrow no problem.
The only thing is I feel bad because some of these guys make enough to support their kids and lifestyle and now I’ve messed it all up for them and there are not too many pizza delivery places around here for them to find another job.
Am I the jerk here? I’ve definitely lost thousands in revenue due to this thing so I am super upset.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, not for firing a bunch of employees who repeatedly and willfully refused to follow your instructions, but for egregiously incompetent management.
For starters, why on Earth do you pay your drivers in a way that encourages them to do the wrong thing? If every one of your drivers, even the ones who’ve worked for you for years, are pulling this thing, clearly there’s a reason.
From your post, I don’t entirely understand what the problem is, but you clearly do, so do something about it.
Do you need to pay them hourly, with a small bonus for every pizza delivered? Do you need to pay larger bonuses for longer routes?
Do you need to pay a timeliness bonus? There must be some way that ensures your drivers earn more when they do the thing you want them to do. Figure it out.
Furthermore, why are your only two options here ‘do nothing’ and ‘fire everyone’?
Is ‘fire everyone’ literally the only disciplinary measure you’ve ever heard of? Of course, your drivers didn’t take you seriously when you told them ‘100 times’ you’d fire them all because no sane boss would go from doing nothing to firing all their employees.
If someone willfully causes a pizza to be late by mis-optimizing their delivery, here’s just a small list of things you might have done:
Dock them for the prize of that delivery (ETA: obviously only if it’s legal and makes sense.
Obviously taking the price of the whole pizza off an hourly employee’s wages is both illegal and unlikely to help. If these are contractors who are paid per delivery, OTOH, it might make sense to not pay them for unauthorized deliveries if they’re really sneaking pizzas they shouldn’t be taking off the counter.)
Do not put them on the schedule again for one/three/five/ten days
Fire the worst offender and see if the others will smarten up
Any other intermediate action between ‘do nothing’ and ‘fire a bunch of people who depend on their job to feed the kids, over an issue you have neglected to manage for years’.” Cassbalexx
Another User Comments:
“I’ve worked pizza before (inside though, make, oven & phones) so I know the environment you’re dealing with. For a lot of people, it’s their first job and they’ve only dealt with mom and dad letting them slide on everything with no consequences.
That’s why you had so much trouble getting them to believe there really would be consequences if they continued to refuse to follow the rules of the job. Now they’re shocked and upset that they’ve been fired. For some, this could be the first time someone has said no to them.
The first time someone has held them responsible for the quality of their work. For others, they just don’t care if you lose money just so long as they make theirs at the end of each night. These kinds of people you really can’t reason with because they don’t care about anyone else but themselves.
At least the others you can try to teach.
If the old drivers come in to complain just keep calmly saying to them something like… ‘This is how it works in the adult world. If you don’t follow the rules of the job you get fired. I’m sorry that your parents didn’t prepare you for this reality but you had been given multiple chances to change your behavior and you chose not to.
Most places of employment will only give you three warnings before they fire you, I gave you so many more warnings because I wanted you guys to succeed. But your behavior with messing with the order routes was costing me a lot.
I explained this to you several times. I gave you so many chances to realize that being greedy was not going to work in the long run. That you had to look beyond your own little bubble to see the big picture.
You need to understand in our town there are plenty of people willing to step into your place that will actually follow the rules. I’m sorry but you’ve brought this on yourselves. I’m not the bad guy here and you need to understand that you are responsible for your own firing by not following the rules of the job.’
When the new drivers come in tell them they are employed because you fired all of the other drivers for not following the rules of the job and you’re not afraid to do it again.” WowSeriously666
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
How old are your drivers? Because I am a teacher, and I’ll tell you something, we are doing NOTHING to teach kids about actual real-life consequences these days… because we can’t. We are literally told not to.
This is a generation of future pizza drivers, service people, vets, nurses, teachers, etc. who are literally not being held accountable for their actions on a daily basis.
I’ve had to change my entire teaching philosophy since I graduated in 2011 due to this newly implemented ‘system’ that makes it impossible for me to even teach some days.
The reason why they are getting so angry with you and making you feel guilty is because of this.
Unless their parents had consequences for them in their own homes (which also varies, but has changed drastically since I was young) there’s a serious chunk of the future workforce that is going to have a very difficult time following rules and expectations because they’ve learned to skirt through things and avoid any kind of serious consequence.
Now, I’m not saying everyone is like this, absolutely not, but a lot are not learning the skill of getting feedback and CHANGING their behavior; I still have kids from years ago who throw desks and they aren’t suspended or even taken out of class for long, and that’s one example of many.
Take it from me, you’re not the jerk, but honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was connected somehow. ill be interested to see how these people do once they’re grown and in the real world workforce.
You did the right thing.” Sometimesahippie
7. AITJ For Siding With My Partner Instead Of My Mother?
“Last year, my mother gave my partner some kids toys for her daughter and said, ‘if she doesn’t want them, throw them out or give them to GoodWill.’ Well, the kid didn’t want them so my partner sold them on social media.
Months later, my mother calls me really annoyed because my partner sold her stuff and she wants them back. We both tried to explain to her what she told my partner, but now she’s entirely dismissing it, saying that I made it up.
She has a bad history of being extremely forgetful, but when we address it, she gets mad and says we’re wrong.
Then comes this morning…
My mother stores a lot of her stuff in our basement (which is fine). My mom calls me this morning saying that my partner now sold a giant bed frame from the basement belonging to my mother.
I confront my partner, she has no idea what my mother is talking about. My mother is now lashing out at me and my partner saying ‘oh my stuff is not safe with you, lesson learned.’ Nonsense. She then brings up the stuff from last year (above) and continues to decline she said anything.
There is no way on earth my partner (who is extremely tiny) could have moved the frame up the stairs, and then sold it. My mother keeps saying ‘oh this is totally something my partner would do,’ which is very much is not.
So now, I’m not speaking to my mother, not engaging in any family activity, or anything, until she apologizes to me AND my partner. AITJ? Or what should I even do?
EDIT:
Thanks, guys. My mom does have quite a history of ‘forgetting things’ until it’s convenient.
She’s always been like this though. She also has absolutely no capacity for admitting when she messes up. Honestly, I did entertain the idea that my partner did sell it, but I remember moving that b****y thing- it took me and two of my brothers.
There’s no way on earth my partner could have moved it herself.
UPDATE!!!! So we found the bed frame. One of my brothers WHO LIVES WITH HER is using it. We moved it to her house when she moved, she just forgot.
I’m going over tomorrow to try and get a giant apology.”
Another User Comments:
“I think there is something deeper here between your partner and mom. To put it another way, I think what you are describing are the symptoms and not the cause.
From your description, it sounds like your mom has some issue with your gf and is using these instances as justification/evidence of whatever your mom’s issue is. Regardless of whether your mom truly has trouble remembering or not, your gf is still being targeted by her.
Jealousy? Idk, but you’re definitely NTJ. Your mom needs to evaluate why she would make these accusations and just what her beef is.” hairofthedutchboy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but a big warning sign. You should get your mum checked out.
She’s forgetting things and remembering things that didn’t happen. Not to alarm but these were my Grandmother’s early symptoms of Dementia. She accused me of stealing a violin case that belonged to my great Grandfather (my great Aunt still had it as I had given up violin years ago) She was insistent that I had it.” juliedemeulie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: Sounds like your mom might need some medical attention as this is the early stages of dementia (not being a jerk either). Also, not for nothing, since this is such a hassle, I would advise against storing stuff in your basement for your mom and forcing her to pay for her own storage unit.
You don’t need this stress or drama from yo momma.” alansupra94
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – My grandma is the same way, extremely forgetful, and CONSTANTLY is accusing my dad of stealing things from her, or constantly forgetting she gave us stuff.
Thankfully this stopped a year ago after EVERYONE had a huge falling out and the entire family ignored her for 3 months, but it got the point across and she’s much more pleasant now.” immadriftersbody
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your mom isn’t forgetful, she’s got narcissistic habits and is unable to admit when she’s wrong.
I got an aunt like that. You could show the video evidence of her messing up and doing exactly what she is denying doing and she will only double down. All my cousins side with their spouses over their mom and are not afraid to do it in front of others.
She also seems to be way more judgmental towards the wife instead of the husbands of her kids.
Does any of this sound familiar?” letstrythisagain30
6. AITJ For Wanting To Reveal Two Liars Who Are Strangers To Me?
“Basically I am a taxi driver and tonight I picked a couple up who had been out for a few drinks to celebrate becoming qualified Ambulance drivers (the stuff you hear and see taxi driving).
They were going to a hotel 7 miles away and they were basically all over each other the entire journey kissing and getting frisky, it made me uncomfortable but I put the music up and drove to the destination…
Upon arrival, they had no wallet and no money, I take cash only but told the woman I would take PayPal. Sut a long story short I got home and found the wallet of the guy in the back of the taxi with photos of himself and child and partner.
I searched on social media to try message to say I had his wallet I can return tomorrow.
When searching on social media, he has a completely different partner to the one in the taxi and has a child with another girl he is still with and upon searching the woman via the PayPal transaction it’s the same situation she has a partner and child.
AITJ for wanting to tell the spouse and mother of his child about the affair or do I return the wallet and let it go? I believe they deserve to know the truth, it made me feel sick to the stomach that people can be such jerks especially with kids involved.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. To me, it’s simple. If I was ever in a circumstance where my partner was lying to me, I would like to be informed. There are plenty of people that are relieved and grateful even when it’s the person their partner is lying to them (with) that contacts them, and compared to that, a stranger is nothing.
I think messaging the woman through social media if you can access it and simply informing her of the matter would be the right and decent thing to do.” AntiqueSpecific
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – But only if you reach out to their partners.
I understand your anger and desire to see justice for the partners, but it truly just isn’t your place and you have no idea the chain of repercussions you could unleash.
If you’re not an independent driver, can you turn the wallet over to your central office?
Or even take it to a nearby police station and ask them to track him down?
I know you must hear and see some trashy stuff and it sucks to feel powerless against it.” personofpaper
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – not a jerk for wanting to reveal them, BUT man I have real mixed feelings on if you should actually involve yourself in this.
Infidelity is obviously super wrong and makes me sick too, and at least you’re clearly an unbiased witness rather than having your own motivations/connections to these people. That being said though you don’t know these people, don’t know the full story.
I ultimately don’t know if involving yourself in this is a good idea. What if you have something wrong in this picture, and you just blow someone’s life up by mistake or wrong assumption? Curious to see what others think” Juanes13
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re a taxi driver, not the moral police. Where does your indignation end? Would you stalk someone on social media and ruin their lives if they bad-mouthed a religion or politics? You have no first-hand knowledge of any of these situations yet you feel that a 10 min cab ride is enough information to ruin lives.
And your edit re: speaking to this person. Hope you’re ready to duck cause he may really want to pop you one in the mouth.” finny_d420
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I understand why you would like to intervene but then again in a weird way a cab is a trusted space and you don’t know if it’s not some swinger stuff they got going on.
Stay out of it, jerks are gonna be jerks and there is no reason for you to heal couples you don’t know anything about.” PlayersForBreakfast
5. AITJ For Wanting To Keep My Funds To Myself?
“It started with my partner asking me how much I make, and I told her I wouldn’t answer that.
Now it’s escalated into the whole lines of ‘if we get married we’ll have joint accounts’ which I am reluctant to do. I think if we have joint accounts we can have them if we get property or children, and the funds from the joint account should go towards those things, but otherwise, I would like to keep the amount I made for things I want to spend on (my bills, my car, etc).
I’m young so I’m not quite sure about the whole details of how marriage works and how you should split wages, but I’ve been of the opinion that she pays for things she wants, I pay for things I want, and we pay together for stuff that we both need (like groceries, bills, and phones, etc).
My dad, for example, filed the taxes for our house growing up. He would pay for the house and he would pay our health insurance (my mom’s too) and he would pay our bills and all that. My mom made far less money than him so she bought groceries, Christmas presents, and that was about it.
They do not share funds but are expected to meet both their ends of the bargain. And sometimes they didn’t (mostly my mom), and we’d get really confused and frustrated for a while. However, both of them spent on things that the other didn’t think were necessary.
My partner was like ‘you need to not idolize your parents so much’ which she did not say with malicious intent but just said that things can happen differently than my perspective of them. That being said, I love my partner, and my dad loves my mom.
My dad, however, doesn’t give my mom access to his excess income and I don’t want to do that either. Is this wrong of me?
Furthermore, my partner is going to have a lot more student loans than me and I don’t want to give her the ability to pay those back with my money if we do get married. Her sister, for example, has her husband pay her loans and I would never do something like that.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – but only in that, you are not ready to be a full partner in a marriage, as others have said. Do you want your funds to be separate so you can drive the nicer car that you can afford while she drives the kids in a crappy sedan?
Do you want to take separate vacations because your job pays better? You’re not ready to enjoin yourself with another person and live as a family.
Of course, your mother struggled over the way your dad withheld finances from her.
He was probably overjoyed. I feel bad for her and have seen those kinds of male-dominated marriages where everything was being measured for ‘equality’ but there was no equality when it came time to care for sick kids in the night, cleaning up barf while running 5 loads of laundry, and getting up early to deal with breakfast. Best not to count beans.
Merge and prioritize.” cautiousoptimzm
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you sound nowhere near ready for marriage and kids. A marriage is a partnership. If your spouse had to stay home to care for a child, be it by choosing to be a stay-at-home parent, or because the child was disabled and needed home care would they be out of luck because you’re not giving them ‘your’ money?
If your spouse becomes chronically ill or injured and can no longer work are they to starve because they can’t afford food anymore? Which of you pays for the family car to drive the kids around, do you get a sports car and she pays for a van?
Marriage and finances tend to blend together, partners should want to share what they have to better others’ life as well as their own. Just my opinion, and how my 20-year marriage has been handled.” AnarchyAcid
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – but a very gentle judgment here.
In marriage, you decide together how the finances work, but it is not standard to have completely separate accounts as you described. Married couples usually share accounts and funds. It is a huge sign of distrust when one person withholds financial information from the other.
It is often seen as controlling or vindictive if neither person has demonstrated any specific untrustworthiness.
If you are seriously talking about marriage with your partner, then you are a much bigger jerk. Nobody should marry someone without a solid understanding of the other’s finances.
She has a right to know what she can expect before you get married… for example it’s conceptually fine that you don’t plan on helping her pay her debt. But most married couples take on each other’s debt.
She may not want to marry a man who she can’t rely on financially and that is also fine.” marheena
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have your own limits, comforts, and beliefs about your finances. Everyone does things differently when it comes to their love life and marriages.
If you don’t feel comfortable or safe sharing money or joining accounts with your partner, don’t. There might be a good reason for this gut feeling, there might not. Ultimately if this woman wants to get serious with you she needs to understand that you are your own person with your own way of doing things and she can’t just force you to change.
Compromise and communication is the adult way to handle these things, and if she can’t handle that then she isn’t ready for a relationship either. It might sound mean of me but I am always suspicious of spouses who try to force money issues with their partner, I would watch her spending habits closely as well as her level of entitlement.
If you have significant assets and are thinking of marrying her, I would also consider a prenup.” sockmaster420
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because you can certainly have your own views about money, but the way you speak about your partner is pretty condescending.
If you were to get married there’s no guarantee you’d make more than her or that the roles wouldn’t reverse many times over. Life is weird and long and you want a partner, not a roommate to split bills with.
I’ve been with my husband for nearly 17 years and we did actually keep separate accounts until we had children. It just wasn’t a big deal before then. But once we had kids and I became a stay-at-home mom it became really important.
If something were to happen to him it could take a long time to have access to the accounts that weren’t also in my name.
So this is bigger than just doing what your parents did and it can look different at different stages, so it’s important to have an open mind.” personofpaper
4. WIBTJ If I Fire A Depressed Employee For Repeated Tardiness?
“The employee in question (Anna for the sake of this post) used to work with my mother at a different company about 15 years ago, so we have known her for a long time. She was fired from that job twice.
Ended up having to leave our town and go live with her family as she couldn’t find another job at that time. She has a long history of depression and has cycled through periods of being very social (going out for dinners with my mother and other coworkers) and periods of not showing up to work or responding to anyone’s phone calls.
The second time she got fired from that job, she disappeared. For 3 years no one knew when she was. Then one day she showed up and asked us to give her a job at our new company.
We agreed to hire her about 19 months ago.
She knows the job and is a productive and intelligent worker. We are chronically short-staffed due to the nature of our work and a lack of people who can handle the job. We had a conversation with her at the very beginning about the importance of attendance and showing up on time.
She said she understood.
In the past year, she has not shown up to work on time a single day. She is often up to 3 hours late. We have had a conversation about this and have asked that she call the office if she’s running late.
She always agrees, but then fails to do it. We have had her sign written warnings several times and the very next day she’ll come in 2 hours late. When she’s not here an hour after our day starts and we try calling her, she rejects our calls.
I’ve tried texting her and she has blocked my number.
We know she has struggled with depression for years, so I’m guessing what’s happening now has at least partially to do with depression. If she brought us a note from her doctor, we would have to accommodate her and give the hours that work for her, but she refuses to bring us a note.
She is also in her late 50’s and nearing the end of her career. She will not be hired by anyone in our industry if we let her go.
I want to terminate her employment because it isn’t fair to everyone else who’s showing up on time.
Maybe they’d rather sleep in and show up at 10 am too. It also often causes problems with our clients. They need their product finished and are often stuck waiting for her to show up. It makes us look unprofessional when we can’t tell our clients what time our employees will show up.
Mostly I want to let her go because of her attitude towards the leadership team when we try to have conversations with her about coming in late. She gets very angry and yells at us that she’s sick of the rules and if we don’t like her and think she’s crazy, stupid, evil (she goes on and on here usually), we should just fire her.
She’s incredibly honest and not a malicious person at all which makes this so much harder.
My mother says it’s a jerk thing to do because she won’t be able to find another job here and has no savings for retirement at all at this point.
WIBTJ if I fired her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
But you aren’t firing her because of her depression, don’t ever use that phrase. You’re firing her because of her performance and her failure to adhere to company policies that she has been notified about multiple times and has even received written warnings over.
BUT you need to make sure you fire her for failure to meet company policies and it disrupting the workflow. She will likely file for unemployment insurance (if she is in the states, no idea what it’s called in other countries) and you will be able to accept or decline her claim, what you do with that is up to you.
Given the number of writeups and that she is still there, and still failed to correct her behavior, you might successfully dispute and deny her claim. As I said, that is up to you if you want to pursue it to that far of an end.
But right now, she is damaging your business, and her personal problems, lack of savings, or mental/emotional health, aren’t the larger of your concerns, your business’s reputation and success are.” MonkeyWrench
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Sounds like you have been more than accommodating to her and have bent over backward to try and help.
If it were 15 minutes I’d say let it slide but 3 hours is a lot of missed work time. Depression is really hard and it clouds your mind to the point you can’t even see what’s actually happening around you.
She probably is so deep that she’s no longer able to see things as they truest are. That being said it’s not your or the company’s problem to fix. It’s her personal issue and you have every right to terminate her.
Alternatively, do you know any of her friends or family member that you would feel comfortable calling and explaining the situation? Maybe they can help her get up and ready on time. But if she refuses even that help there is nothing more else that you can do.
Pull her timesheet point out all the times she has been late and tell her point blank that when you are late everyone else has to cover for you and that’s not their responsibility.” Emeraldsketch1
Another User Comments:
“INFO: Is depression her only issue or are there other health issues?
Anna sounds a lot like me. I also work for an engineering consulting firm and have major depression issues, and I too struggle to get to work every morning. But underlying my depression is a major health issue that feeds the problem.
I’m awake at 6 am so In theory it should be easy to get to work early, but then there’s the half-hour to an hour of intense nausea I can get, the two hours I sometimes spend clinging for life to my bed, praying for the room to stop spinning, and the half-hour where I debate if I can stand long enough to have a shower or if I’ll pass out.
I’m sometimes so exhausted after showering and getting dressed I need to lie down for a half-hour. Not all of this happens every day because every day is a choose your own adventure and sometimes I fall on the floor before getting up and going to work.
And I’m very aware I’m annoying my employer, and trust me I would kill to jump out of bed in the morning, hop in the shower and be out the door in 20 minutes. I’m not trying to be an entitled employee.
I can’t go to bed earlier, I already only get 1-2 hours of sleep a night taking 11 sleeping pills. And I know my job wants me gone and I want to be gone from it, not because I don’t like my job, but because I can see how frustrated everyone is getting with me and I’m getting sick of people telling me they don’t want to work with me.
And when everyone is telling you they don’t want you there, it really is a bit of a vicious circle because you’re less motivated to get out of bed and get to work. I spent nine years in university training for my job and the first seven years with this firm doing 60-80 hour weeks and now everyone has concluded that I just decided one day yah, I think I’m going to take it easy from now on…
It may look like she doesn’t care but she probably does more than you think. I know from the viewpoint of most of my coworkers around me that I don’t care when I walk in at 10:30 with my head down.
What I’m not telling them is that I’m staring hard at the ground trying desperately to keep my balance and I just want to get to my chair before I fall. They see me taking lunch and are all, you just got here, but they don’t know lunch is the best time for me to eat in the day and I can’t eat dinner or breakfast. I get that you’re frustrated with her but not half as frustrated as she is with herself very likely.
I’m doing the most I can to mitigate the effects of my disease and depression and you’re not out of bounds in asking her to do the same. You can’t demand details from her but I think it’s fair if the company has benefits that cover therapy to make her use them or to make getting help a condition of her employment.
To out and out fire her at this point would be jerkish, but if you give her six months to at least make inroads on fixing the problem and she still refused, then I think at that point you’re justified.” Onikenbai
3. WIBTJ If I Ask My Dad Not To Post On Social Media For My Birthday?
“I (20NB) came out as non-binary a few months ago and most people have reacted pretty well to it and have called me by my new name (let’s say Robin) and use the right pronouns for me. However, my father didn’t take it well and though he didn’t cut off contact with me or anything, he refuses to call me by my name or use the right pronouns, instead of calling me by my birth name (let’s say, Eloise).
I don’t have a bad relationship with my father by any means but this has definitely strained it. My mother and her side of the family have been really accepting of it, I should add.
My birthday is coming up soon and he usually posts something along the lines of ‘happy birthday to my little girl, Eloise’.
I really don’t want to have to deal with being misgendered on my 21st birthday and I really don’t think that he could make a post without gendering me somehow, but it could cause an argument between me and my father and my mother would be dragged into it so I don’t want to make things tense when I go home from university for Easter break.
So WIBTJ if I asked my dad not to post on social media for my birthday if he can’t call me by my right name?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I’m sure some people will call your dad the jerk, but having gone through this in my own family, it can take parents some time to adjust. My mom also had this period when my brother came out (FtM) and in time she came around and is now his fiercest advocate.
Give your dad time. Family therapy really helped my parents and brother, perhaps see if he’d be willing to attend some sessions.
You are totally within your rights to ask him not to post on your birthday or to use your correct name and pronouns if he does.
He may not react well to that. You will likely encounter many of these situations as he adjusts. Keep standing your ground and advocating for your identity, and hopefully sooner rather than later he will come to acceptance.” User
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I don’t think you are wrong for wanting people to start using your new name, However, your parents named you, and it’s going to be hard for them to accept a different name. He still wants to wish you a happy birthday which is nice, and from what you say you still have a good relationship with him.
Also, considering social media, maybe he feels embarrassed that his friends will see, that you’re rejecting the name he gave you. If he’s always bringing it up and upsetting you, that would be a different case. Just the same it’s your decision to change your name because you came out as non-binary, your parents grew up in a different time so it’s difficult for them too.
Your mom’s side may be more up-to-date with the times, but not all older people are. If anything, talk to your dad politely and just is like dad ‘I love the name you and mom picked out for me because it’s the name you guys chose for me, and for that I’m grateful.
But I feel like that name really conflicts with my beliefs and who I am, I know this is hard to understand but can you please start using my new name, it hurts my feelings when you still refer to me by my old name’.
If he denies so be it, I don’t think it’s fair to say you can’t post, just ignore it, if you love each other enough, things will start to change so you can find a way to respect each other.
I’m a guy but I have a girl’s name, I use to hate the name so much cause of bullying, but I was like whatever this is the name my parents decided I should have. I go by a different nickname everywhere else, but my parents still call me by name and I don’t mind.
I know it’s not the same, but maybe you can find a nickname close to your birth name and ask ppl to call u that. Say Eloise is your birth name, just ask ppl to call u oise,” 0nlyYesterday
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. The idea of not having gender and changing names is downright baffling to some people. People act like this is a global change when it’s really only normal in small liberal parts of the western world, and even then it is limited. I think you should try to be more understanding.
To your dad, this probably sounds outlandish. While he should try to be understanding, you definitely should too. It’s not a social norm yet. And I can imagine it might be hurtful to a parent that a child changed the name they gave them.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I know a lot of older people have trouble understanding things like that but if you’ve made it clear that something upsets you and affects your mental or emotional health, your loved ones should try to accommodate that, even when it’s difficult for them.
It might strain the relationship further but it doesn’t mean you’re wrong or a jerk.” full-onrobotchubby
2. AITJ For Asking My Vegan Brother To Cook Non-Vegan Food At His Dinner Party?
“So, I’ll host dinner parties with my family and make a couple of dishes. Maybe stuff like pasta dishes, buffalo mac, and cheese, salmon, etc. Maybe once every two months or so if I can everyone together. Now my brother last year has decided to go vegan, totally fine, it is his life he can do what he wants.
The issue is, now he has been asking me to cook more vegan options.
Usually, this winds up being more work and earnings on my end to make something that tastes fine, but not quite likes the real thing. Not even removing meat is the issue, more trying to work around my staples of milk, eggs, cheese, and butter.
So now I have an extra dish taking up more time and is always more involved than everything else. But it is family, I like having them over.
The issue is my brother has also started inviting family over for dinner.
I was glad someone else decided to join in and host, but every meal is vegan. I don’t mind the food, but I asked him if he can include some nonvegan dishes as well. Something simple as adding in real cheese for pasta dishes.
Or cheese and bacon bits with stuffed potatoes.
He got very upset with me saying how these products go against his beliefs and he refuses to give donations to organizations that produce them. And as such he will not make anything nonvegan at his events.
I said that this was not fair that I accommodated his meal suggestions and that he refuses to accommodate mine. He says if I ‘need’ to have those foods, I can bring them in myself. I said that is unfair since I made him dishes and never said he had to bring his own food to dinner.
But if that is how dinner will work, he doesn’t ‘need’ vegan foods either and can bring what he wants to eat to my place.
I haven’t invited family over for dinner in a while since I just don’t feel like getting into this argument again.
They all say I’m being a jerk for not just sucking it up and eating vegan for a night, and I argue that the issue is I go out of my way to cook vegan meals, I don’t see why it is an issue at all for my brother to go out of his way to cook non-vegan for me.
So AITJ for wanting non-vegan meals?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – He definitely sucks, but you don’t have to suck with him.
Have you tried any of the dishes he’s made? They might really surprise you. I’m far from vegan, but I’m a reluctant meat eater and gave had to be totally dairy-free while nursing two kids, so I’ve eaten more than my fair share of vegan meals and I’ve been surprised by how much I really loved it.
One thing that worked well for me was to cook a lot of Asian dishes since they rely less heavily on dairy and aren’t always as focused on meat or meat substitutes as the main protein.
But the compromise of him bringing vegan dishes to your home and maybe your family taking turns to bring dishes when he hosts feels reasonable and practical. Maybe you can all switch to having the host decide a ‘theme’ for the dinner and everyone brings something?
No, it’s not fair that he expected you to do something that he isn’t willing to do himself. But family dinner is an awesome tradition and it would be a shame to blow it up over this.” personofpaper
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This whole thing could be solved so easily- you bring a dish you like to his dinners, he brings his dish to yours. Then everyone can eat food they are ok with and no one has to buy ingredients they don’t usually use just for one dish.
I debated between ‘everyone sucks here’ and ‘YTJ’ here because your brother is well within his rights to suggest you bring your own food to his house, but I could understand you being frustrated that you accommodate his diet. But it doesn’t sound like you told him that making those foods was taxing on you or even asked him to bring something on his own.
So I feel like it’s your own fault for being frustrated here.” Runkysaurus
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – You don’t want to accommodate him but you expect him to accommodate you? Couldn’t you just enjoy the time together and try the food and if you’re still hungry eat when you get home.
Or eat before you go.
I would say the same to him. He would be better off bringing his own dish since you clearly lack the understanding and compassion for his life choices.
Like others have mentioned, vegetables are delish.
So many things you can do with them. You don’t need to make anything with a meat substitute. This thinking just shows how much you clearly have NO idea about food other than what you eat. You should take this opportunity to let life teach you something new and maybe even potentially bond with your brother.” ripsprinkles
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, you shouldn’t have made such a big deal about it but again when you did your brother had to respect the fact that you choose not to be vegan and he can’t force you to be vegan, therefore as a host, he should ensure that all his visitors are pleased and enjoying their meal. it was a simple request but you’d have to see that being vegan for him isn’t just not eating certain foods, it’s activism, he’s standing up for what he believes in, and when he told you that you should’ve just brought real cheese yourself, you should’ve.
and just put it in your pasta instead. not a big deal and both parties created a bigger mess than needed.” neglectedbigf
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
At a dinner party, everyone needs to eat that’s the baseline. You not having anything vegan = he can’t eat Him not having meat or dairy= you still can eat and actually like the food as you said
Also asking you to cook with stuff you are less familiar with is different than asking him to cook stuff that disgusts him. I don’t know your preferences and style but I think asking you to cook sheepshead, roaches, or guinea pig would definitely be crossing a line wouldn’t you agree?
Edit: why not just bring small things like a nice cheese to grate or sth with you? It’s not like you need to prepare an entire dish when going to his parties right?” PlayersForBreakfast
1. AITJ For Not Knowing My Daughter's Allergies?
“I’m a 27-year-old dad of a 6-year-old.
She is my life, I always put her first and I love her to death. My significant other and I separated when our baby was 2. It was more of my decision instead of hers and she’s been a pain in the butt about it ever since.
We agreed on handling it outside of court just to save us time and resources. I agreed on letting my daughter live with her and giving her mom 500 dollars each month. I see my daughter mostly on weekends, but I can make plans with her whenever I want.
Her mom keeps her medical records and never informs me about anything. I’ve tried asking about it, but her mom always answers with ‘she’s healthy.’
Wednesday afternoon, I took my daughter out for some ice cream. She got to pick out the flavor and toppings.
She ordered snicker flavored ice cream and added some candy. I found out later that she has an allergy to peanuts, but not before she had an allergic reaction in the ice cream place. I literally had to rush to the closest ER and they took care of her from there.
It was a very close call and I’m still upset about it. My daughter is okay now, but her mom is mad at me for letting my daughter eat peanuts. I didn’t know she had an allergy to them!
I told her this and she went off, she claimed that she told me, but I was too busy doing something else.
She’s been bugging me about it ever since and I’m starting to feel guilty, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Yeah, my vote is everyone sucks here because OP sounds super uninvolved in his daughter’s life, and that is completely by choice. Obviously, his ex should have informed him of the allergy, but honestly, as someone who has worked in family law and seen tons of these kinds of parents (almost always dads, gotta admit), I have no respect for them.
If he wanted more involvement with his daughter, he doesn’t have to accept this informal arrangement. He could take it to court and get that changed.
And before anyone comes at me about how the courts are so biased against men so there’s nothing he can do, no, in most places (at least in the US) they’re not.
Fathers almost always receive at least partial custody when they actually seek it. I’ve also seen plenty of custody orders where one parent is granted primary legal custody (ie. the ability to make decisions for the kid) but is required to share medical information and other details with the non-custodial parent.” interloperdog19
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
$500 a month does not support a kid. Calling your kid’s mom a ‘witch’ on a public forum suggests you are immature. Saying your daughter is your ‘life’ and ‘you put her first’ and ‘love her to death’ yet you are fine with only spending time with her on some weekends and whenever it is convenient to you is obviously contradictory.
If she was ‘your life’, and you ‘loved her to death’, you would have a much more set schedule with her, and you would accompany her to medical appointments. Sorry, but I believe your ‘witch’ ex when she says you told her and you were busy.
You don’t understand what it is to be a parent. Also, your 6-year-old is old enough to know if she has a peanut allergy. Did you even ask her?” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If your ex truthfully told you about the allergy then it’s on YOU to pay attention.
As parents (especially of such young kiddo) you need to be on your A-game. Not saying time to yourself isn’t important, but this is a prime example of how distractions can literally cost a life. NTJ if ex never told you.
You seem like a relatively caring parent, as It’s not like you purposefully gave the ice cream to her to induce a reaction. Your ex would be the one being VERY irresponsible here if the peanut thing was an established allergy and she had no interest in telling anyone if she had lied and never disclosed the condition.
However, you should have your listening ears on when talking about kiddo! If she knew about the allergy I’m surprised possible buzz words like ‘shock,’ ‘swelling,’ or ‘hospital’ wouldn’t come up that didn’t cause your brain to perk up and think ‘serious topic ahead, let’s backtrack here.’ It is a bit surprising though if the ex didn’t bring it up more than once in a convo, considering how serious it seems. You would 100% NOT be in the wrong if you didn’t know, and it does make me wonder how truthful the ex was.
Imagine some sort of Epi-pen or emergency plan would’ve been discussed or provided to you?
There are so many risks of cross-contamination nowadays that you should definitely be in the know, especially with a common food like peanuts!
Glad you took kiddo to the hospital and all is okay.
Perhaps you can go over her allergies with the kiddo so that kiddo can try and look out for themselves as well? Maybe an allergy bracelet would be a good investment as she is still very young and it sounds like the reaction was quite serious.
Best of luck.” Strawberry_73
Another User Comments:
“My kids had non-life-threatening food allergies that they grew out of by age 5. They knew they had allergies and knew to ask what was in foods that were offered to them from the age of 2.
I also had them wear allergy bracelets and provided safe snacks or foods if they were in someone else’s care.
I volunteer at my children’s schools where they have strict policies regarding food & allergies and this is generally discussed at length in regards to parties, snacks, and lunches.
I have friends who have kids with peanut allergies and they have to carefully plan all household meals, celebrations, etc, because peanut products are widely used or nut-free foods are cross-contamination because of how food is processed. They can’t keep nut products in the house, have to be super careful about eating out, and some of the kids have to be treated for anxiety because they are afraid every time they feel funny that they are going to die.
Their kids carry epi-pens and family is trained how to use them. Old school people get annoyed and act like the parent is purposely being a PITA simply because they want to make sure everyone knows how to keep their kid alive.
For all these reasons I’m calling BS on your ex, I’m not buying that she once told you and that should be that, so NTJ. I’m also wondering why your daughter didn’t mention this, as she is more than old enough to be partially responsible for her food choices.
If I were you I would get in touch with your daughter’s pediatrician and do a records request. This isn’t something to mess around with or argue about.” bakasana-mama
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for not knowing your daughter had a peanut allergy.
Just makes you seem like a bad parent, no matter how much of a ‘witch’ you think your ex is. In fact, if you indeed have such a low opinion of your ex, perhaps you should have taken a more hands-on approach to your daughter’s health and well-being.
So yes, you’re the jerk even if your ex is a totally uncooperative witch. Be the bigger man for the sake of your daughter. You have a responsibility to know your daughter’s health records instead of relying on her mother’s word (especially since you don’t seem to have a lot of respect for her).
You should learn from this.
(For the record, I don’t know if I fully believe the mother is as much of a witch as OP let’s on. He seems a bit biased and she did claim that she told him about their daughter’s allergy and he just missed it.
That seems completely plausible although we can’t prove that. However, I don’t think any of this is relevant to the topic of OP’s parental responsibilities and duties and whether or not he is the jerk).” User
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My foster kids often come with this type of damage. I work hard with them to empower them to make decisions about their body and personal space and thattit is never their responsiblity to sacrifice their comfort for the sake of "not hurting someone's feelings". And it is hard for them to get over that often. One tactic i teach them is if they are worried about being rude and hurting someones feelings, instead of saying no to hags and kisses and picking up etc, you can instead offer an alternative. For example they can say in a happy tone "how about a high five instead!" Or a fist bump or even "how about we make a sully face together instead" whatever is something they feel comfortable doing that can come across as a fun offer and not blowing someone off. And if after that the person refuses and still insists that they give them a hug, kiss, or even say "I love you", that is when they need to turn to an adult (you mainly , or if it is at school for example, a teacher) that they trust for help intervening and the adult needs to step in and shut it down. Someone blatantly refusing to respect someone's autonomy over their own body (especially a child) and forcing affection into and from them is EXTREMELY detrimental and inappropriate.