People Consult Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories With Us
19. AITJ For Not Being Able To Give My Partner Everything He Wants?
“My partner (29) just had a bday this past weekend. I (24) spent the previous month saving up in preparation for the credit card bill I was going to have for his Valentine’s Day and his bday. He makes a 6 fig salary on top of the several businesses that he has and I make roughly half of what he does so I wanted to make sure I could show up how he does for me on my birthday & Christmas.
He kept saying he didn’t want anything all the way up until a week before his bday when he sent me links to a jersey ($150) and a spec for his computer ($140).
By that time I had already scheduled a massage for him on his bday ($150), purchased tickets for an event for us to go to the next day that we didn’t even attend ($100), the movies ($40), and purchased him balloons and a cake ($55).
I also sent him a gift basket of his fave snacks the week prior for Valentine’s Day ($60).
Although it wasn’t in this month’s budget to purchase his last-minute gift requests – I let him know that I planned to still buy the jersey and spec this month (March).
At the time I didn’t want to add another $300 to the new card in last month’s budget (February). I also knew that I couldn’t afford those gifts now so I was determined to make his day as special as possible.
I called him at midnight to sing happy bday to him (we usually call to say goodnight around 11 PM), washed his dishes, and spent the weekend running around his apartment in lingerie I never wear.
The day of and the day after he seemed very appreciative and kept saying how I must’ve spent so much and he felt so relieved from how good the massage was.
Then all of a sudden on Monday I get a text from him saying ‘I just realized you didn’t do anything for me for my birthday, I only asked you for 2 things and you didn’t do it.’ When I tell y’all I was crushed… And confused because this response was so opposite from how appreciative he seemed on his bday.
I texted him ‘Where is this coming from? I thought you liked your gifts’, only for him to say I did nothing for him again. I’m still trying to figure out what happened and piece together why his mind changed overnight.
I understand everyone has a right to want what they want and I understand his frustration for not receiving exactly what he asked for, but I really don’t have it like that financially right now to get him everything he wants.
He comes from a very different background from me, his parents were a doctor and business owner – my parents never went to college and I had to put myself through and am still dealing with the financial repercussions of that.
Right now I’m taking some space from him to regulate my emotions, but I can’t help but feel useless because I know I really tried hard to please him. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This made me tear up a little thinking about all the effort you put into this.
And you had to put it on your credit card. This made me genuinely sad. I would never treat my partner like that even if she buys me an $8 cake and that’s all because she doesn’t have too much funds I would be very happy.
I make more funds than her and get her nice things for her birthday and other events and always tell her I really don’t want anything but her company and a nice night out. You are awesome and he should be happy af to have somebody who’s so caring.
If I heard of this happening to one of my sisters I’d go beat some manners into his spoiled butt.” Redditcuckadmins
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your partner sounds awful. You are also overextending yourself by the way. You should find someone who appreciates the EFFORT you put into gifts or otherwise recognizing special days, rather than measuring your worth on whether you got a specific item that they requested too late for you to incorporate that into the plan.
This whole story reads like you are struggling to please him, and even kind of going over the top – including months of planning to prepare for expenses you really can’t shoulder. Break up with him already.” owls_and_cardinals
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Gifts aren’t meant to be a competition where the one who spends the most wins, they’re a way to show our appreciation for each other by letting the other person know we love and appreciate them.
You could’ve spent $0 on his gifts and still make his day special by doing things he loves. It sounds like you did everything you could to make his birthday amazing and if he doesn’t appreciate your efforts, then he doesn’t appreciate you!
His response is a major red flag and if I were you I’d think hard if this is someone I want in my life.” WAB613
18. AITJ For Not Letting My Family Come With Me On A Trip?
“When I was 15/16 my sister was invited to a medical study for a disability she has. As a part of this study, she and my parents traveled to DC 3 times over the course of a year. The first time, I couldn’t go with them because my parents couldn’t afford to buy me a ticket on top of what the study was funding.
They found out when they were there that they would have totally funded my ticket, so when the second trip was lining up with the week of my 16th birthday, I was super excited because I thought I could finally see DC.
I wasn’t able to afford my school’s 8th-grade trip, so the idea of a sweet 16 in DC was the best thing in the world to me, especially as a kid who was really interested in politics.
My parents didn’t allow me to go on this trip because the week we would have been there would have conflicted with my first day of school – I have an early September birthday.
I was completely devastated, because not only were my DC dreams crushed, but I was also going to be alone for my 16th birthday. My best friend’s parents ended up letting me stay with them for the week so that we could do something special for my birthday.
I don’t even remember why I couldn’t go on the 3rd trip. Probably has something to do with the school as well. They had a lot of time to sightsee and have fun, and it was a bummer to miss out on that with my family.
I’m now 30 and am about to see DC for the first time as I’m interviewing for a job. It’s the ideal job because it’s half remote and half on-site, and I’d be able to split my time between DC and NYC.
My interview is on Tuesday, but I’m flying in tomorrow to have some extra days to really see everything I want to see and also to just give myself time to relax before a high-stakes interview. I’m funding this extra trip with some inheritance I received late last year.
When my parents found out about this trip, they asked if I could use some of that inheritance to fly them out so we could finally do a family trip together. They said they could show me some of the places they know and what became their favorite parts of DC on their trips.
While I do have enough funds to cover it, I don’t particularly want to. I want this to be my own special trip where I’m doing what I want to do and seeing what I want to see. I also want the time that weekend to relax, and not have to go on a tour of all the places my family went to without me.
I understand it’s petty and that it’s been a long time since all of that, but it still sort of hurts to think about even though it’s not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things. I told them no, and they are making it out to seem like I’m rejecting them and acting in revenge for the past trips.
Which is actually not true, it has way more to do with the stress of the interview and wanting to protect my peace than it does with any idea of revenge.
I feel fine with my decision, but my family called me a spiteful jerk.
So I’m asking here as a reality check for myself.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They didn’t take you on 3 different trips. I’m guessing that you were put aside for a lot of things. That tragically happens a lot in families when one is disabled.
You’re an adult, you’re going for an important job interview. You need to be relaxed and prepared for your interview. Not dealing with family nonsense.
If you feel like it, tell them that you’ll do a family trip some other time once you’re settled in the job.
That way you will have established some favorite places of your own to show them.
This first trip should be all about you and you’re NTJ for wanting that.” CancelAfter1968
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! I would not spend the funds.
This isn’t a vacation. You are going to visit a city where you may take a job and spend half your time at. This is the time you need to look around and make sure this is a place you want to live half the year.
Anyone calling you petty, tell them this. Also, tell them that you can not finance a trip for your family at this time.
But you can look at them and not give them a reason other than NO is a complete sentence.
I would also ask them who mention this being revenge. You didn’t say anything. If your parents feel like they are being punished for something maybe that’s just their guilt talking to them.” gramsknowsbest
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your parents made plans to spend your funds?
how very creative of them! It sounds like you don’t have much disposable income if you live in NY and have always wanted to see DC. You certainly don’t have funds to pay for 2-3 other people on this trip.
Whatever small inheritance you have, you should put towards your own future.
They were less into family trips 15 years ago, perhaps dealing with your sister and another teenager was something they didn’t want to manage.
I travel solo and I enjoy seeing places by myself.
Explain that you’d rather see it solo and that you have other plans for the funds. If they want to visit DC, it’s there for them. You don’t have funds to finance their trip to see places they have already seen and you haven’t seen before.” Fancy_Avocado7497
17. AITJ For Not Wanting To Increase The Number Of Guests Anymore?
“My fiancé ‘Thomas’ (22M) and I (22F) are currently planning our wedding. We just chose our perfect venue, which happens to have a guest limit of 120 people. This is causing issues with his parents and me, and I’m wondering if I am the jerk.
Relevant info: His parents have graciously contributed about $1K to the wedding. My parents have contributed $8K, and the rest is being paid by my fiancé and me.
We recently made our guest lists with the understanding that we would each invite roughly 60 people, and were happy to see that this ended up being the case – me with 58, and Thomas with 62.
Most of the people on the list we had already spoken to and had already verbally confirmed that they would be there.
While visiting his parents recently, they asked to see Thomas’s guest list. He showed them, and instantly they were telling him of all these new people that he needed to invite as well – 18 people total, mostly their friends.
To my surprise, Thomas said he would do so. I chimed in with ‘We’ll try, but it may be difficult for us to find space unless a good chunk of my family isn’t able to make it.’ His mom responded ‘We’re sorry, we don’t mean to force people on you, but there’s nothing we can do!
These people must be invited.’
Later, I pulled Thomas aside and asked him if these were all people he had been hoping to invite, but hadn’t because of space. He said no, he barely knew these people and honestly hadn’t thought of them – but he felt like he couldn’t tell his parents no. I told him that this was stressful for me, as we were already at our cap – but that I would try to uninvite some of my sides so that we could find a way to make it work.
A few hours after we had left, Thomas got a call from his parents, who told him that they would be sending us more ‘suggestions’ of people to invite: in his dad’s words, ‘just so you don’t forget anyone.’ After Thomas hung up, I told him that I wasn’t comfortable receiving more suggestions from them, as we were inviting more people than we had planned already, and I was afraid that their ‘suggestions’ would actually be demands.
I asked him to text his parents and tell them that we didn’t want any more guest list suggestions and that instead, we would reach out if we were worried about forgetting anyone. Thomas was pretty uncomfortable with this, as he isn’t used to standing up to his parents – but he eventually did so.
His parents didn’t respond, which he said means that they are probably upset.
I feel bad because I made my fiancé do something he wasn’t comfortable with. His parents are also usually very nice people, so I am worried I could be the jerk for telling them no and potentially hurting our future relationship.
I just don’t want to uninvite even more of my family/friends, and risk overextending our venue’s capacity. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think you’ve actually handled this well, better than I would have. Money isn’t even the issue, the point is it’s your day to celebrate with those you both love.
You need to make guest list judgments as a couple and sure listen but it’s your day.
Your partner sounds like they are having a rough time with this and it’s worth exploring for the health of your current and future relationship – I wouldn’t walk on eggshells and avoid conflict, a life together is a long time.
If they act like this now can you imagine how they will be as mother- and father-in-law once you have a baby – if that’s something you’re looking for?
Boundaries are important. You need to learn to enforce them, together, and they should respect them.” chipsandgravy1234
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s your wedding and you and your fiancé are the only ones who can decide who to invite. It’s great that they contributed financially, but that doesn’t give them a license to invite whomever they please.
It’s good that you had your fiancé deal with it, we are all responsible for handling our own families. It seems like you’ve gone about this the best way you can. I doubt you’ve seen the last of this issue, but all you can do is continue to respectfully set a boundary with the invites and hopefully, they will come to their senses and understand.” crimejunkie2262
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But you need to walk back the offer to uninvite your family/friends from the wedding. That would be really rude and a quick way of saying that your friends/family are less important than MIL’s friends.
Are MIL’s friends more important than your guests? No. I didn’t think so.
So go ahead and tell all of them no. You will not uninvite your guests, and MIL can not invite her friends that are strangers to the both of you.
He invited who he wanted because he has relationships with them. He doesn’t know or have a relationship with his parents’ friends so they have no need to attend.
If his parents want to have their friends attend a stranger’s wedding that’s fine.
But they will need to give you the funds to cover the increase in guests.
As I doubt they will do that. You need to make it clear that you will be inviting all of your 58 guests and your fiance will be inviting all of his 62 guests.
No more guests will be invited.
I would also inform the fiance and his parents that if they keep pushing to invite their friends or send out their own invites. Then you will require all guests to have your unique invites in order to attend.
Let MIL have her tantrum. They’re barely contributing anything to the wedding anyways. You don’t know their friends and have no relationship with them. They don’t get an invite. Period.” Intrepid-Database-15
16. AITJ For Not Telling My Family The Truth About My Daughter?
“I (30M) am in a relationship with my wife (29F) and we have been together for 8 years but we grew up together and were friends from elementary. I also have two children (4F) who we can call Chloe (Fake name), and a baby boy (5 months).
Around 5 and half years ago one of our best friends passed away from cancer, we had known him since we were like 9 so this hit us both hard. During this time, we argued a lot and we spent time away from each other but eventually figured things out and realized we were better together.
Maybe 2 weeks after we got back together, she told me that during our time apart she was with another man who happened to be someone who we both were friends with in high school who we can call Jonah for the sake of the story.
Now it was a bit upsetting at first but after some discussion, we were able to accept it and move on. Another 2 weeks or so pass by and we find out she is pregnant.
I know Ava isn’t mine. I’ve known from the start and have accepted that fact.
But I love her, she’s my daughter and nothing will change that.
When I looked into my daughter’s eyes for the first time it was heartbreaking to see the face of a man that I considered my friend for all those years.
But I didn’t tell anyone, not even my wife until Ava was 2 years old.
When I confronted her about it she admitted that was her fear because Ava honestly looks like a carbon copy of Jonah. She asked if I wanted a paternity test and I denied it because I really am scared I could lose the legal rights of my baby girl.
For the past 4 years, she’s been, my girl. I love her more than words can describe and I got over that heartbreak so quickly. I love her and my son equally.
Here is where the issues start. Ever since my son was born, my family has started to question my daughter’s biology as my son looks just like my wife and me whereas my daughter looks nothing like either of us.
My mom recently came up to me and said I need to do a paternity test for Ava as ‘I can’t have my boy raising a baby that isn’t his.’ This really upset me but I kept my cool and just told my mom that Ava is my daughter.
I never told her in the first place because she treats my sister and stepson like crap and I don’t want my girl to be treated like that.
Well, my mom was committed and went to my wife and managed to trick her into telling the truth.
She came back over to me and yelled at me for raising an illegitimate child.
We left the situation fast but my mom hasn’t stopped texting me about how I lied for 4 years and that my wife is a liar.
I explained to everyone after in a calm way that my wife didn’t have an affair and just went into a bit more depth. While my other family, besides my mom, don’t care that she isn’t mine, they are upset at me for keeping the information away for so long.
But I personally think it was none of their business in the first place as my own daughter doesn’t even know.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I am so sorry you’ve had to go through all this. You are an amazing partner and parent – most people (probably even myself) would have a hard time getting past that.
You’ve thrived instead. I hope this drama just doesn’t get back to your daughter. Knowing that it could, I’d recommend putting her into therapy. It seems a little extreme but if she were to find out that she isn’t technically yours the trauma is going to be pretty severe.
Might be good to just work with a therapist – to figure out how you tell her the truth. You will have to tell her, her bio father may have some significant health issues or relevant family history she will eventually need to know about.
I guess my point is – this is just the beginning. Try to prepare her the best you can. Good luck OP!” DoraTheUrbanExplorer
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here: you are a strong man for doing that, I could never.
At the same time, I see where your mom is coming from but she is a jerk for the way she handles it. If she doesn’t want to view the child as her grandchild I think that’s fair because she isn’t.
Second, you may be a jerk because as much as you love the little girl, she isn’t yours and her bio dad have every right to know he has a child out there. I understand why but it doesn’t make it any less right.
Change rolls and you would be heartbroken to know you had a child and didn’t get to raise her.” Successful-Sky4716
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This was none of their business. I would hold that boundary. To the family that is upset that you didn’t tell them, calmly inform them one more time, I didn’t tell you because it was none of your business.
Let them know you are very angry with your mother for pressing the issue and telling the information once she found out. I would further suggest telling everyone that this is the last time you and your wife will even acknowledge the issue much less discuss it as again it isn’t anyone’s business outside of the three of you (you, your wife, and your daughter).
And stick to it.
If anyone brings it up ever, you end the conversation, if they persist you leave. Your mom can’t get it thru her head, no contact for a while.” myssi24
15. AITJ For Not Driving For My Sister?
“So I’ve recently bought my first vehicle, I’m 17 by the way, and my sister (14) asked me to go on a late-night snack run with her to the nearby CVS.
When we first walked in the older female employee was staring me down so intently, it made me anxious. She kept an unwavering focus on my every move, and after I talk to my sister about how she is hawk-eyeing me, she tells me ‘Oh yeah it’s probably because I’ve stolen from here before’.
I go on to tell her ‘Really?’ She says it’s not uncommon and not a big deal and I still tell her that it doesn’t mean it’s right.
I told her afterward that if I am going to be hovered over in a store for something I didn’t do, I won’t bring her to the nearby convenience stores that she has shoplifted from.
She gets really frustrated with me of course and tells me I shouldn’t care so much about other people, eventually, the situation escalated and she spits some screw you’s at me… so am I overreacting by cutting off her option to go to the stores she has stolen from together, is my decision to not bring her jerk behavior?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she’s your sister and young but please please express to her how wrong this is. By taking her places you’re encouraging/enabling her behavior AND it makes you look bad! You’re not a thief and don’t associate with thieves all it does is show people you’re ‘ok’ with stealing even if you never steal anything yourself.
I hope your sister wises up bc people talk, and being branded a thief is a hard one to clear. Good luck.” onescaryarmadillo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Honestly, I wouldn’t go with or drive her to any store.
She throws some swear words your way and says that you shouldn’t care so much about other people.
You should say that you don’t care about other people but you respect yourself so swearing at you just cost her the ride privileges. If she complains tell her you don’t care about other people so she is wasting her time.
Why is she shoplifting so many times that she has a reputation? I am surprised they let her into the store at all.” Earptastic
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister is headed to a whole world of hurt – CVS, Walmart, and other institutions that tend to be in lower-income areas now build Loss Prevention Profiles of theft, rather than confronting individual incidents.
They add up the charges of the thief during each interaction, then request the arrest when it has hit the felony threshold rather than the misdemeanor threshold. In most jurisdictions that’s $1000. Your sister is making a massive mistake on several levels, and by driving her, you’re participating and can bring that hurt on yourself too.” waterfountain_bidet
14. AITJ For Not Letting My Mother-In-Law Invite Her Friends To My Wedding?
“I am planning a wedding where all of the family will be invited given they have a relationship with myself or the groom. There were about 150 people on the guest list, but some have declined their RSVPs- most notably my MIL’s family.
My fiancé’s family immigrated from another country, so unfortunately many of those still living abroad were not able to afford/coordinate the trip to the US for our wedding. This is completely understandable. Although my husband and I are bummed that some of his family cannot fly in to celebrate with us, we understand that not all families are able to take the time off or afford to travel to such an extent.
This brought our guest list down to about 140 people.
Most of the people who could not travel abroad are my MIL’s relatives. She has been trying to ask my fiancé in private many times about inviting her friends before now, and my fiancé always comes to me so we can discuss things together.
Between the two of us, we decided that we do not want ‘strangers’ at our wedding, meaning if neither the bride nor groom knows the person, we don’t want them at the wedding. I told my fiancé that I didn’t appreciate MIL asking to adjust wedding plans without including me since I am the one planning the wedding.
Fiancé agreed and asked MIL to run wedding inquiries by me.
But just yesterday, my MIL privately texted my fiancé the following message: ‘(fiancé’s name), since my family cannot attend your wedding, how many of my friends can I invite?
I’m sad that my brother and sisters cannot attend. The wedding would be more memorable for me if some of my friends could be there in place of my family.’
My fiancé showed me the message and I immediately get upset.
At this point, I felt like she was intentionally going behind my back since my fiancé has already spoken to her about including me in her wedding inquiries. I responded from my fiancé’s phone that we will not be hosting strangers at our wedding and that, unless you think we accidentally forgot to invite a friend or family member, to stop trying to invite people to our wedding.
I was rather heated at the moment, so I sort of lost my cool and just shut her down, telling her to stop. Now I’m thinking I was insensitive for telling her no. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But consider this… she messages your fiance and you ask him to respond to her.
Perhaps she’s reaching out to him because she’s not comfortable reaching out to you? I could be way off, as you don’t really say if your relationship with the FMIL is good or not. Maybe you should reach out to her, yourself, and communicate directly with her and not through her son.
It’s clear that she wants someone close to celebrate with. It’s hard to believe that from the 140 people, she won’t know anyone…” addamcn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… but… my thoughts as a mil. First off, she may have contacted your son only because she was more comfortable doing so.
Of course the flip is, she may have done so to spite you. Since her family from out of the country can not attend, it would be nice to let her invite 4 or 5 that she is especially close to even if you don’t know them.
Just because she knows 60% going, doesn’t mean she is friendly with them. If she has a few close friends, it will be more comfortable for her and less awkward for everyone in general. From your story, you have 10 extra spots.
I think it was insensitive of you for telling her no, but it is not too late to go back and remedy the situation.
This is a woman who is going to be a part of your life now and if you could play nice now and give in to this wish, it would sure make things easier and more pleasant for you in the future.
By you telling her no and answering her on your fiance’s phone gives you the appearance of a controlling bridezilla. My guess is you are just caught up in the moment and a bit uptight with everything going on.
Get with her one-on-one and apologize for being insensitive and tell her she’d be most welcome to invite a few close friends since her family can not make the trip.
This makes her feel more included. Let at least one of those friends be seated next to her, so she truly feels a part of the day. Do not let this be the hill you die on. Best wishes!” LouisianaBayouGirl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wedding, your rules. But realize you may have to deal with some emotional fallout with your future MIL. If it’s worth that, then stand by your decision. If you can allow one of her friends to join her, it might make you a better person and strengthen your family’s future relationship.
But it is your and future hubby’s decision 100%.
Congrats on the upcoming nuptials!” BensBum
13. AITJ For Suggesting That Someone's Son Go To A Group Home?
“I (25m) live in a triplex alongside my partner with our neighbors being my parents and my cousin’s family.
This arrangement was fine at first however recently it has become an issue for me. The issue itself lies with Jason (18) who is my cousin’s severely autistic son and his need to be constantly looked after. This is because aside from being autistic he has Prader-Willi syndrome (a rare genetic condition that affects your child’s metabolism and causes changes to their body and behavior).
At first, I would only watch him for 1-2 hours at most while his mother ran errands or went to appointments. This however changed this past month when the visits kept longer and she began to force him on us unannounced. This led to both my partner and I deciding to put an end to it.
On one of my days off last week, I went to her place to have a word with her. When I showed up she said she wanted to talk about something. This something was her asking if I could do overnight ‘babysitting’ for Jason.
I straight up told her no and said that I wasn’t going to be watching over him anymore. I went on to say how her constantly expecting both myself and my mother to look after Jason is both unkind and unreasonable.
I then told her if she plans on working nights, Jason should go to a group home. I also told her that if she finds a day job, Jason should go to a day program where he can be with other special needs people.
This unfortunately didn’t go well and I got accused of everything from being selfish to being dominated by my partner. She went so far as to accuse me of wanting to remove her and Jason from the family. The aftermath of this was huge as my cousin painted me as a huge jerk which led to angry messages from other family members and my parents.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it seems like you expressed that you are ill-equipped to care for this man, and that’s what he is, he’s an adult, and I imagine a rather large one if he has Prader Willi.
You were honest that you do not have the capacity to give this man the care he needs, and I imagine you don’t. It’s not fair to him, and it’s not fair to you. You’re right, he needs to socialize, and there are organizations out there, not as many as there should be that help adult people with these conditions and that sounds like what he needs.
He needs interaction with more than just caregivers, he needs, peers.” Impossible_Hand4897
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you are well within your rights to put a stop to the unreasonable unpaid demands on your time. Neither you nor your mother owe this woman carer services for her son.
Maybe you could have phrased it a bit better, but the group home suggestion is actually a good one. What does she plan to do someday when she’s not able to care for him anymore? I’m sure she was planning to dump him on you or someone else in the family, but she needs to be more practical because it doesn’t sound like that’s going to fly far.
She needs a wake-up call to do what’s best for her son rather than just making him other people’s issue.” Dipping_My_Toes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Anything you did up to this point to help has been kind of you.
You are by no means OBLIGATED nor trained to watch over an ADULT with special needs. The cousin has enjoyed the freedom and is probably upset that she now has to find and then PAY for real care. You have been a ‘Nice Guy’ up till now and just because you want to do something else doesn’t make you suddenly NOT.
If the family gets on your butt I would just tell them they are more than welcome to offer the cousin to help out in your place but you have your own life and want time for yourself or whatever.
I would encourage everyone that takes the time to have an opinion on this in your family, to instead get online and look into the programs in your area for exactly this. I know for a fact many major metro areas have them and many are FREE.” User
12. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For A Family Vacation?
“I (20f) am currently in an ongoing argument with my parents about vacations. For the majority of my childhood, my family did not have a lot of extra funds to go on vacations but I was always very thankful for what we had.
For the past almost a decade my parents have worked there are butts off running a small business together and they began to reap the financial benefits a couple of years ago. They went on two big (expensive!) vacations and a couple of weekend staycations just the two of them which I FULLY agree that they deserved after all their hard work.
Recently, they decided that we should travel as a family for Christmas instead of doing gifts. I was under the assumption that since it was for Christmas, that was going to be our Christmas gift. My parents revealed that they would be expecting me to pay for my portion of the trip.
I expressed how I would rather spend my travel savings on something that I would enjoy more since they like to do more touristy and expensive resorts while I like a chill and cheaper off-the-grid kind of vacation. I also brought up that I thought the trip was going to be a gift since my parents know I don’t have a huge amount of expendable funds (I’m currently unemployed since I just graduated from a trade(ish) school and am trying to start my own business).
They on the other hand definitely do have the funds to pay for my brother and me.
More recently, my parents reserved a 5-7 day condo rental in Hawaii from a charity auction. They told me about it and asked if I wanted all of us to go for my 21st birthday at the end of the summer.
The way it was brought up as being ‘for my birthday’ I figured once again that it was going to be a gift especially since the 21st is a big milestone. The next day they told me how much my part of the trip would cost including my flight ticket.
I got uncomfortable once again and said that they could go without me cause a trip to Hawaii is not what I would choose to spend my travel savings on.
They got upset and said I was overreacting about them asking to pay cause I do have a decent savings account for a 20-year-old.
I tried explaining I would much rather stay home and celebrate here to save more of my funds but they said it was a family vacation and that it was sad I don’t want to spend time with them.
I get how they could be upset that I assumed they would spend their funds on me but I’m only 20 and don’t have an established career or steady income yet to make up for the funds I spent on the trip.
I genuinely can’t tell if I’m being crazy cause the last thing I want is to sound like a spoiled kid.
AITJ for not wanting to go if they don’t pay for me?”
Another User Comments:
“The way they go about these vacations is super weird.
Sure, just because they have this newfound funds doesn’t mean they have to spend it on anyone else, but they canceled Christmas gifts for a vacation. Then asked if you wanted to go on vacation for your birthday… I’m not saying assuming is ever the best, but who wouldn’t at that point.
Sometimes newfound funds can make people act strangely. Perhaps, your parents want to have these lavish vacations with their kids but are too possessive of their funds to let go of it. Either that or they super suck at conversation.
Even worse if they’re doing it on purpose.
Regardless, you’re NTJ for not wanting to spend the funds. You’re not guilting them for not paying, just being honest that you can’t afford it and the vacations aren’t even your first choice.” tomatoesmama
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – If someone plans a trip without asking you, then expects you to pay for it, they have no respect for your boundaries. I think you’ll need to assume they want you to pay for any trips going forward, and set a firm boundary with them that they should ask you before booking any travel because you don’t have the funds to spare as you are saving for other travel later in the year.
Tell them you’re sad they won’t stay home and celebrate with you for the next holiday or whatever they try to turn into a vacation.” Actually_Mom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They are planning the trip, going where they choose, but it’s YOUR birthday and you would prefer to go elsewhere.
Their insisting you spend your funds to go where they want to go is ridiculous. Either they pay or you get to choose.
There are lots of ways to be with family. Game night at home. Movie night and pizza.
BBQ when the weather is nice.
Why not a compromise? Family can go to a nearby town and stay in a moderately priced hotel – something you could afford relatively cheaply. You’re being wise, hanging onto your funds till your career takes off.
Shame on your parents for not being proud of how responsible you are! Money smarts are hugely important esp now when the costs of everything are skyrocketing.” ajawriter
11. AITJ For Throwing Away Flowers From My Ex?
“My ex sent me flowers as an ‘apology’. I knew he didn’t send them as a romantic gesture or because he was genuinely sorry as I have hay fever so most flowers trigger my allergies which he knows about so I was pretty angry when I saw them.
My sister asked me if she could have them since they were pretty and said she would keep them in her room but I was so mad I told her no and threw them away. She’s 10 so she started crying and now my stepmother is making a big deal out of it and won’t stop bringing it up.
It’s gotten so annoying that I’m considering moving back in with my ex to get away from her constantly trying to make me feel guilty over the flowers. My little sister also won’t speak to me and my dad thinks I need to do more to repair the relationship with her since I hurt her because I was angry with my ex.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – She’s a brat. If this is all it takes to move back in with the ex who tried to trigger your allergies then you accept toxicity into your life.
Tell your family the truth: They were your flowers.
You never promised them to her. You have the right to process your anger and pain over a breakup however you want without having to tip-toe around a 10-year-old. If she needs flowers so badly then they need to take her to the grocery store and buy her some.” BeeJackson
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Those were your flowers to do it as you wished. If they are being so petty over something as flowers I think you should sit back and look at the big picture. I wouldn’t necessarily say get back with your ex because he’s probably not a better option for you but maybe you can look at some other potential options.” Aquarius052
10. WIBTJ If I Go On A Trip And Leave My Sister?
“My very best friends and I are planning a big trip this summer to Europe. We will be gone for around 2 months. We graduate college this year. So it’s sort of a celebration for that and to spend some time together before we all move away and are living in different cities.
I did talk about this trip with my family last year when I and my friends first thought of it. It wasn’t a problem then. Now that we have exact dates my sister is not happy because she is pregnant and the trip will be toward the end of her pregnancy.
My sister is deaf. Previously I have gone with her to doctor appointments to translate. She can read lips, but sometimes misunderstands things and likes me there to interpret.
Our father and brother also know sign language and can interpret it, but she does not feel comfortable with men (other than her partner) going to her appointments.
Her partner (the father) is also deaf, so he cannot interpret. Given that I’m not going on the trip for over almost 4 months I told her she still has plenty of time to find a female interpreter that she is comfortable with.
She however thinks it is a ridiculously short amount of time to find someone to be included in something so intimate.
My father and brother both think I should cancel the trip because this is a very stressful time for my sister and I need to be there for her.
I just feel like it’s unfair to me to have to give up my plans because of her choices.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are not your sister’s translator, and 4 months is plenty of notice for her to find a translator she feels comfortable with.
If not, she has two options in the family as a backup.
Besides, the trip has been in the works prior to her pregnancy. She got pregnant when you already had a trip planned, you did not spring this trip on her when she was already pregnant and counting on your assistance.
It’s her failure to plan that created this scheduling conflict, and you are not responsible for that.” Robert_Rufus_Feline
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your father is failing his deaf daughter by not setting her up for self-reliance and independence.
She absolutely should have an interpreter (which should be covered by her disability benefits) that she should have gotten comfortable with having by now. It literally would be no cost to her to start thinking about a future where she doesn’t always need you to drop what you’re doing because she has something important going on.
A first child is amazing, but why is your family so content with not preparing her for independence or a ‘Plan B’ if no one is available when things happen? You’re not going to be at her beck and call every single time she needs you.
I’m the little sister of a deaf sister, and you have given plenty of time for the family to set her up for her future so that yours isn’t halted. Put your foot down with your father and tell him that he can’t just keep expecting you’re going to drop everything going on in your life and run to her rescue every single time she needs something.
That’s irresponsible and irrational to think that your whole purpose for existing is to be there for your sister without any life of your own.” ferventlotus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re right. It would be unfair to influence you to cancel your trip, if you don’t go now, you may never be able to go.
Celebrate your graduation on your trip.
4 months should be plenty of time for my sister to find an interpreter. Your family members are jerks for expecting you to set aside your dreams for your sister.
It’s also good to set that boundary now because you’ll have limited sick and vacation time when you’re working and can’t be expected to use it to accompany your sister to doctor visits when you’ll need it yourself.” Emotional_Bonus_934
9. AITJ For Not Apologizing To Someone I Bullied In High School?
“I (30F) saw an old high school friend (Anne – 30F) the other day at work (I’m a doctor and her friend has been in my care for quite some time now.
After Anne knew who I was through her friend, she said she wanted to come and say hi).
With Anne’s persistence, I agreed to grab a cup of coffee with her over my break. We talked about the old days and all.
She said she had a husband and two kids. After Anne asked, I told her I now had a wife and a 4-year-old daughter.
At first, she was very excited and asked me if she could see some pictures of us so I showed her a few.
After that, she laughed and told me how ironic this whole thing was given the fact that I used to bully her back in the day.
Back in high school, Anne was more or less of a tomboy. I was a cheerleader.
I didn’t know any better and I used to be quite cold toward her. I, unfortunately, didn’t say anything when my friends would talk about her s*******y.
They used to tease her for being ‘gay’ even though she wasn’t.
I went along with it and didn’t say anything. I also was rude and judgemental. I’m not at all proud of the way I was. Quite the opposite actually. However, I never made any comments myself. I was a silent bystander which is also horrible but I just wanted to clarify.
I said I was deeply sorry for not being a good friend back then, and I apologized. I also told her I was a confused closeted girl who had no idea what she wanted. (I didn’t know what I wanted pretty much until I met my wife) Later, I said I wish I could take it back and make it up to her.
She told me she got an apology only after she found me and asked me why I hadn’t tried to apologize through social media. I don’t use social media much. I simply said I was sorry and didn’t know any better.
And I said I honestly didn’t think she’d want to hear about any of this.
She called me an entitled jerk who could get whatever she wanted from life. Anne said I should have apologized long ago. She then left and told me she genuinely hoped I was a better human because my wife and daughter deserved better than the person I was back then.
Was I indeed a jerk?’
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I actually think she was kind of the jerk here.
It seems like she lulled you into a false sense of security, asking you to meet up with her for a nice chat, only to then bring up all this stuff that happened when you were kids.
She wanted to back you into a corner and make you feel bad about it. Clearly, she wanted an apology. But that’s a messed up way to go about getting one.
But what’s especially frustrating here is that you did apologize to her… you explained that you were a stupid kid and you said sorry.
I don’t really understand why she expected more of you than that.
Expecting you to get in touch with her out of nowhere to apologize is not a realistic expectation.
I was bullied relentlessly in high school, but if any of my bullies reached out to me on social media out of the blue, I’d be like ‘screw that’.
Her behavior was deceitful and weird, and then to insult you even when she was the one who asked you to hang out and you did actually apologize when she asked you to.
If she disliked you that much, then she could have no other reason to ask you to hang out with her other than to be a jerk to you and make you feel trashy.
Nah, she’s the jerk here, not you.” Fluid_Assignment837
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t know how you could have handled it better.
Sometimes people take the most offense not to the bullies, but to the silent participants. I sort of get it, they are the ones that could help if they were the magical movie protagonists that can put the bully in their place.
That’s not certain though, people stay silent because they don’t want to be the one on the receiving end, and holding this against the silent participant isn’t helping anyone. This is the kids were are talking about after all. Adults we can hold accountable up to a point.
Her comment sounds like she could really use some therapy. Or this is the first time she has opened up about it and she might even regret saying that now that she got it off her chest.” Glimmu
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I’m thinking that she has anger and bitterness that no apology, at any time, would heal. I’m guessing that being the victim of bullying has become a part of her identity, and we often can’t let go of things like that, no matter how people treat her now.
In asking why you didn’t apologize earlier, she is digging in her heels, and refusing to let go of that part of her.
Unfortunately, and I say this as having been badly bullied, removing a sense of being the victim means that we have to fill it with our own strength, courage, and accountability.
If we are no longer victims to others, controlled by others, we must take control and responsibility for ourselves. That’s the adult thing to do. And it’s usually the toughest part of becoming a real adult.” samanthasgramma
8. AITJ For Not Wanting To Have My Dad And His Family At My Wedding?
“I (f23) am planning my wedding with my fiance (m24).
We have been working on the guest list (how many people we want to invite, if coworkers will be invited, extended family, etc.) So I decided that I don’t want to invite my father, his wife, or his daughter (f24).
However, I will send an invitation to his two other kids (m20 and m17).
I’ll give some context that I think it’s important. My parents got divorced before I was born as my father was having an affair and he had gotten another woman pregnant almost at the same time as her.
My mom got custody over me and my older brother and shortly after the divorce my father and his affair partner got married, then they had more kids together. My mom had the primary custody but we stayed over at his house some weekends.
I don’t remember much of my youngest years but I know that since I was like 6/7 I never got along with his eldest daughter. She was always trying to compete with me and her mother encouraged that.
My family thinks she behaved like that because she thinks that people believe she’s less than me since she’s an affair baby.
She also didn’t have a good relationship with our grandparents since they were angry at my father for what he did. My mom also became a single mom after the divorce so our grandparents (from both sides) would buy me and my brother toys and stuff more often to help her.
Because of this, she has a real issue with me, yet I tried to be civil with her until she made some drama between us. I was going out with a boy in high school, he fooled around with her and she did it on purpose (she told me so).
They also didn’t just hook up once, they were having a relationship when I found out, her mother and my father knew this as well and neither told me anything. After that happened I cut any relationship with the three of them, however, my two half-brothers didn’t know what was happening and they sided with me when this happened, so we still have a relationship.
I don’t care about the guy, however, I still am hurt that my father prioritized his relationship with one of his daughters over the other. I can’t trust him anymore and honestly, if he doesn’t love me enough to even tell me something like this was happening then I don’t need him in my life.
Back to the conflict. I visited my grandparents from my dad’s side. At some point, we started talking about the wedding and they asked if I was going to invite my father’s family. I said I will only invite my brothers.
They told me it was kind of crappy to do so since it’s heartless to prevent a parent from celebrating their kid’s wedding. We had a bit of a discussion then I left. That happened yesterday, now I’m home and I’m regretting what I said.
My fiance told me that they should’ve dropped the topic when I told them I didn’t want any of them at the wedding but I’m still unsure.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your wedding is about you and your fiance, and having a bunch of unsupportive liars who are not part of your lives in attendance is unlikely to do anything but stress you out and cause drama.
I understand the instincts of your grandparents to try to use the opportunity to push for reconciliation but your wedding is definitely not the time or place. Your dad likely knows you are getting married and can reach out to you and apologize at any time.
Ditto stepmother and half sis but that sounds less likely and frankly you sound better off without them there, especially with the history of your half-sis trying to upstage you, I would worry she would turn up in a white ballgown or do something else to hijack your day.” Traditional-Aerie-10
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and aside from the fact that it’s your wedding to do whatever you want with, what about the fact that your step-sister did the same thing to you that your father did to your mom?!
That is horrid! I wouldn’t invite any of them to be in the same zip code as me or my mom!
I’m so sorry that you’ve been put in this place as the ‘peacemaker’ when really you should be focused on planning your beautiful celebration.
Only invite people that love and support you and enjoy your fabulous new beginning with your spouse.” suziesunshine17
Another User Comments:
“Most assuredly NTJ. Your grandparents think that only because he is their son so disregard what they say. It sounds like a kind of make-up excuse too, and it also sounds like they stepped up to help your mom when he didn’t.
As far as I am concerned they all betrayed you, your father, and his wife, who knew what was going on and helped hide it. And your sister, who purposely went after someone just to hurt you. It doesn’t seem like any of them have any remorse, it doesn’t matter that you no longer care for the boy or that it happened in high school, it matters that you can’t trust them.” Spiritual-Goat5417
7. AITJ For Not Bowling?
“I (24f) went to my partner’s (21f) work party last weekend because she really wanted me to meet her coworkers. I’m usually a homebody but she really wanted me to go so I agreed.
Of course, the party was at a bowling alley, I’ve hated bowling ever since I was little and my parents would force me to participate with family.
Now that I’m older and friends bowl, I go but I don’t bowl.
I told her I hated bowling but I’d still go and just not bowl. She whined and whined about this saying that I would be weird and standoffish if I didn’t participate but I assured her it would be fine.
Once we got there, she went to rent herself shoes and got me a pair after I told her I wasn’t going to bowl. She handed me the shoes, and I politely sat them next to my chair and ignored them.
Once the group started bowling, I would talk to the other people who were waiting for their turn. I even ordered two pitchers of beer and was talking to everyone.
My partner got increasingly annoyed throughout the night and refused to talk to me.
Once we got home she said I was rude because the social committee took time to plan an activity and I just s**t on it.
I told her it was a fun event and that I had a good time without bowling and people seemed to like me.
She said that wasn’t the point and that she does stuff she doesn’t want to do to please me all the time and I said, somewhat joking, that if I make her do anything she hates as much as I hate bowling to stop immediately.
She got even more upset and said you do things you don’t like for the people you love.
So, am I the jerk for not bowling?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner is angry that she couldn’t control you. Before you went, you told her you hated bowling.
Before you went, you told her you wouldn’t be bowling. You went to be social and supportive… I would have done the same. Her strategies involved 1) whining, 2) attacking your character by calling you weird and standoffish, 3) renting shoes to try to manipulate you, 4) giving you the silent treatment, and 5) calling you rude.
I don’t think this is about bowling. You don’t go bowling against your wishes to ‘prove’ your love to someone else unless you are 8 years old.
This is about respecting your wishes and taking ‘no’ for an answer. It sounds like you’re with a young adult who lacks maturity and who can’t see you as an individual human who is separate from her.” MadameAllura
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and also I think it was disrespectful of her to completely ignore what you said. You told her from the beginning what you intended to do and not do. She still got the shoes and ignored what you told her – I guess she thought you would cave into social pressure or something.
She is the only one causing an issue. If she didn’t want you to come unless you agreed to bowl, she should have told you beforehand and you could have stayed home! I agree with her that sometimes you do things you don’t want to do for people you love, but also you respect the people you love by not ignoring what they say!” espressothenwine
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have no idea why this is such a big sticking point for her. Bowling is a social event and you were social. It’s not like you ended up sulking in the corner on your phone the whole time!
You just happened not to want to bowl. I used to do bowling with friends and sometimes folks would come along and just eat nachos and chat with everybody in their downtime. It was fine!
This seems like it’s about more than bowling.
Insecurity about ‘looking weird’, unspoken expectations about relationship self-sacrifice that she’s not clued you into, control issues, I don’t know. Seems like something to talk about when she’s gotten over the initial hissy fit.” alizarincrimson
6. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be Roommates With My Sister Anymore?
“I’m a single mom (widow) and I went to get info on a one-bedroom apartment I love. My sister tagged along and in order to get a move-in special, I had to do another tour and it was the first time she’d toured it.
She already has an apartment but loved the complex I’m moving to.
Afterward, my sister asked if I wanted to be roommates. I don’t want a roommate. Keep in mind I’ve told my family about the apartment and they all know I’m only looking at one-bedrooms. I want to build my life and this will be the first time of having had my own place as a single mom (lived with my parents and then with my fiancé before I ended the relationship last year).
Honestly, she isn’t dependable financially or time-wise. She also has a history of letting guys she barely knows come to her apartment and giving them a key. I’m not judging as that’s her choice but I am not ok with that at all so I just said reasons that I didn’t think would offend her.
First I said no because you can’t smoke ‘grass’ there. She said she would do it on the balcony and I said you can’t because the complex is strict about it. (It’s brand new apartments and quality housing is hard to find here so I’m not risking anything just so someone can smoke.
She then said that she’d just go to a friend’s house to smoke and asked what other reasons I have.
At that point, I had to be direct and say that we can’t be roommates because I wouldn’t be comfortable with non-related men in the apartment and she got mad and asked me why.
I have a very young daughter and don’t like being around men I don’t know so I only want to live by just my daughter. I want to be independent and have a stable lifestyle for the two of us.
I said that I understand if she was comfortable with guys she knows but I don’t know them and will not be comfortable. I would only be okay with our dad, brothers, and a trusted male family friend that would only visit and I would pay to help with moving, putting furniture together, etc.
She was mad and then said that if it’s her place too then she should be able to bring the guy. Remember, this is a hypothetical apartment and she knows that I only looked at and only getting a one-bedroom apartment.
I told her that I understand but I don’t agree so that’s why I can’t live with someone else because I’m very strict about that. She then said whatever and acted mad towards me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Pot, men, or not, you don’t owe ANYONE a roommate position. You weren’t even looking for one in the first place. She basically invited herself to be one. And she already has a place to live, herself.
Besides that basic fact, if you tell her that your lifestyles are not compatible and you feel like you’d be better off not as roommates (PARTICULARLY for your daughter’s sake!), then she should gracefully accept and respect that.
You have valid reasons.
She really has no right to be upset. And hopefully, with time, she’ll calm down and you guys can get back to good terms.” Light_Seeker90
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Say you are looking for a one-bedroom place for yourself and you are not getting a place for her.
Stop saying because of this, because of that. Do not justify. All that happens is she will try to shoot down your because and not listen to the no part… Like oh, she will smoke on the balcony then, or she will do this and that.
Just stick to you are getting a place on your own and that is final. You do not wish to discuss it further. But you are right, strange men are not safe in your space and your child’s. She can be mad, you are not responsible for her reaction.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I feel like if you really wanted to explain the reasons to your sister you should have said what you wrote in your story (you want to build your life, be independent, and live by yourself as a single mom for the first time) By the sounds of it you and your sister are at different places in life and that’s ok.
Your daughter’s well-being comes first and foremost. I would have thanked your sister for wanting to be roommates but then moved on from that subject. Maybe to mend your relationship have your sister help you decorate your new place. Have her over for dinner and family games.” jokifer79
5. AITJ For Not Sending My Father Any Funds?
“My father has been out of my life since I was 18, which is around 6 years ago. He basically abandoned my mum and my siblings and me to go to another country to start a new life (under the guise of exploring new business ventures).
Nothing came out of these business ventures and he did not send a single cent back to us while he kept asking my mother and me for funds. I’m the eldest daughter in the family, my sister was still in school when my dad left for abroad and my mother is not physically well enough to work, so I basically provided for the family since I was 18.
My mum is able to work light jobs now, and my sister also graduated and has started working so we’re doing ok. I have a pretty average salary of 50k but there’s still plenty of debt to clear.
For years my mum did give him funds, up until last year when she decided to get a divorce.
She always gave because it was always for dire situations (eg 2020 happened and needed funds to help with funds , or he got injured in a traffic accident, etc) and he always promised it was for the final time. Now that she has completely ignored him, he has been texting and calling me instead.
At first, I was still really happy that he was texting me because I missed him, he’s my dad. But I quickly realized he only texted when he needed funds, and I didn’t want to respond anymore.
He texted me again a few days ago to ask for funds.
He begged and said he was desperate and he was sorry, and that this is the last time he will ever borrow from me. He took pictures of some injuries on his arm that he got from work and said he needs funds to get medical attention.
I don’t want to give it. I told him I’m left with a thousand in my bank account for the month after bills and paying off his past debts (which my mum and I are still paying because he used our names to register businesses in the past) and he asked for six hundred.
On one hand, I’m really sick of being treated like a piggybank. I’ve recently learned from a trustworthy source that he has had a mistress abroad for years now too. I think that’s when I realized he was dead to me.
For what it’s worth, he really was a good father before he left and he worked hard for us and cared about giving us a better life. But that father I knew was long gone. This person isn’t him anymore.
On another hand, I am worried about him and his safety, and if I don’t give him these funds he may have no other avenues of help in his life. I have asked my friends and some of them have said if it were them, they would transfer the funds because he’s injured and he promised it’s the last time.
The last time I sent him any funds at all was also about more than a year ago so it’s not like I’m giving him money all the time.
I know if I give him any funds now he’ll only ask for more again if he needs to.
But he’s my dad and I can’t just let him suffer like this. I don’t know, I’ve been crying about this for the past few days and I can’t make up my mind.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He has a mistress, right?
And there’s a thing called social capital – if he’s burned through all of it (meaning he has no friends where he is), he’s just a jerk. He’s treated you terribly, your mother and siblings probably even worse, and you have no obligation to him.
Parents have an obligation to care for and support children (at least until adulthood), but children do not have an obligation to support parents unless they are moved out of love and the bond formed.
If you want a clear conscience (and he didn’t use the ‘last time’ argument before), go ahead and send him funds one last time, telling him it’s the absolute last time.
The cost may be worth it so you can know you gave him the warning. I wouldn’t, though. He owes you for all the years you had to support the family he was responsible for. Plus the identity theft.” Tangerine_Bouquet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t owe him a penny. In fact, he owes you for the debts you’re paying off from the businesses. Next time he asks for money, I’d be inclined to tell him that you already ‘gave’ him $X (or whatever the relevant currency is) this month when you made payments on the debts he incurred and that you certainly can’t afford to give him more than that.
Your friends who think you should give him funds because he’s injured and he says it’s the last time either don’t have the background you gave us or they’re ignoring it. He always had a new crisis when he was getting funds from your mother and he kept promising it was the last time, but it wasn’t the last time until your mother decided it was.
Then he turned to you. Don’t let him guilt you or manipulate you. He’s a leech. Let him ask his mistress for funds.” Miriamathome
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and only you can decide so gravitate to the facts: He’s good at separating other people from their funds for his benefit.
He’s invested ‘0’ into your father/daughter relationship; no texts, calls (none $), pics, letters, visits.
He abandoned you, your $$ carried the family since age 18 (why did he not do this?), he always promised your mom it was ‘the last time’ & it was not, he remained married and kept a mistress (a form of lying)… you do not mention he has called you to have a relationship.
His story and history sound fishy: Gambling… addiction… illegal substances, drinking, mistress funds?
If you must give $ do what social service groups do; what are the bills and pay one directly (i.e. phone). Only pay one at first and evaluate how this experience was for you: did he state a ton of excuses why the $ needs to go to him, did he lose his mind re: this approach?
Did he express gratitude or demand more? His inability to support you has hindered your ability to thrive. How much more money are you going to allow him to take? These questions are factual which counteracts the emotions you are feeling.
Best to you.” DesertSong-LaLa
4. AITJ For Lying To Someone About My Wealthy Background?
“I (29F) have been close friends with my colleague David (30M) for years.
I met David during my sophomore year of college through some mutual friends. We weren’t close initially, but sometime during our junior year we really hit it off because we were pursuing the same degree and had similar aspirations.
When I first started law school, I nearly died when my appendix burst. No one I knew at the time knew how to get a hold of my family, and my emergency contact was unreachable. David stayed at the hospital until I was released, and cooked and cleaned for me every day until I was better.
It’s the single nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.
We now work for the same law firm. A few weeks ago David met with another lawyer (Paul) from a firm that was looking to refer a client to us.
Paul stopped by the office to meet with David and struck up a conversation with me when he recognized me in the office. Before David met with Paul, I told him I knew Paul because we had gone to private school together as kids and our well-off families had brushed shoulders all my life.
This was not the full story.
During the meeting, Paul talked with David about our shared history. David was blindsided and didn’t like being chatted up by a lawyer from another firm about how he couldn’t believe David managed to get ‘someone like me’ to work for him.
After, I told David the full story. I come from an incredibly rich family. I’m talking summer in the Hamptons, taking the private jet abroad on the weekend kind of rich. I told him how my family had really strict expectations of what they wanted from me, and when I graduated high school I decided to cut ties and move across the country.
They cut me off financially, I had no car, no credit cards, etc.
On a personal level, David doesn’t understand why I kept something like this from him in the first place. He’s embarrassed he ever confided in me about issues over funds over the years when at any moment in time I could have picked up the phone and my family would have paid my way.
He feels like I let him believe I had a background very similar to his when the reality is our early lives were as different as night and day. I have definitely made an effort to downplay any suggestion that I grew up with any sort of wealth.
On a professional level, David feels like I put him in an awkward situation. He was really put off by the conversation Paul had with him and felt like it was avoidable if I’d told the truth sooner. Some of what they talked about made him feel like there may be a conflict of interest he should have been aware of.
This is where I might be the jerk. I apologized for how he found out, but I am not sorry for not having told him about my family/past sooner. I haven’t told a single person about my family/background since I cut ties and moved across the country.
I don’t feel like I owe anyone my past, and I was clear that had Paul not walked into the office that day, I never would have told David anything at all.”
Another User Comments:
“So, David is upset because he acknowledges that he absolutely would have treated you differently if he’d known about your family’s funds?
NTJ
The very fact that he recognizes that he would have treated you differently should make it perfectly clear to him why you declined to share that information. It’s a shame that he doesn’t realize that It says something good about your character that you didn’t want to be treated like the rich kid.
Hopefully, it is just the shock of it all and he’ll snap out of it soon.
Because if I suddenly found out that one of my friends had a family history such as yours, I would feel shocked and saddened…
Not because I would have treated them differently or because I felt like I was entitled to know that information, but because something terrible must have happened to you to cause you to cut ties with them so dramatically after high school.
Furthermore, the fact that they reacted to that by financially cutting you off – when clearly they have enough money that wasn’t necessary – means that there is some serious toxicity in them.
I would be filled with regret that you had never felt safe enough with me to share such a profoundly impactful chapter of your life… I would be questioning myself, and wondering if there was anything I could have done to be a better friend to you.” DinaFelice
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not for not serving up your familial/childhood circumstances on a silver platter – you’re right that you don’t owe anyone all the unfiltered details of your life – but for actively lying instead of avoiding the subject or just being transparent that you’re not comfortable with talking about it.
There is a WORLD of difference between keeping parts of your life private and actively, intentionally deceiving someone (particularly someone who considers you a friend) into believing things about you that are patently false in service of a fictional narrative.
You owe David a huge, genuine apology, because ‘I’m sorry you found out I lied to you, but I don’t feel any remorse for lying to you and I would have kept on lying to you forever if I could’ve.’ isn’t an apology worth anything.
If you can’t extend that to a person who, by your own description, seems to have been there for you in incredibly meaningful and precious ways that nobody else ever has, don’t be surprised if he withdraws from the friendship.
Look, you are so much more than your past and the ‘family’ you left behind, and it must have been tremendously difficult and painful to be 18 years old facing down a big uncertain future with no family and no home, and I can’t imagine the fortitude it must have taken to push through and accomplish so much in the wake of the massive sacrifices you had to make in order to be your own person.
You deserve to be immensely proud of yourself and I hope you are. But you can’t be surprised that someone who loves you is confused and hurt and distraught upon discovering that you misrepresented yourself to them and things that they thought they knew about you (after a decade of friendship) are lies.
I may sound harsh in places but you and David sound like deeply important people in one another’s lives, and I hope you’re both able to do the internal and interpersonal work necessary to understand one another’s pain and heal from this.” randymeek
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here/Everyone sucks here
He probably is just shocked that everything he knows about your background is false, yet a random coworker knows. He is probably wondering why Paul was worthy of knowing, despite David being close with you.
If Paul has always been just a peer, I can kind of understand why David feels hurt. That being said, David shouldn’t expect other people’s parents to pay his way either, so his comment was definitely not ok.
I also understand not wanting to tell everyone about things that you want to leave in the past. It can become very tiresome explaining why you had to cut out your own family, and it feels like you have to almost argue for yourself most of the time.
It’s OK to keep some things private, for sure. Thay being said, lying is not the best way to go about that. It usually makes people question if you’ve ever been trustworthy or honest.
David might now be wondering if you’re also lying about not keeping in contact with your family, along with wondering if you really like being friends with him.
David doesn’t deserve a cent, mind you.
His entire background on you is false. Every single time that you joined in ‘joking’ about struggling, you lied. If he had a particularly impoverished childhood, some of those lies might bite him hard.
The lies about those aspects of life might make him feel like his struggles are invalid to you. Instead of leaving it at driving a new Lexus, it might now come off as though you called a new Lexus a ‘beater’ after the truth came out.
David is also probably trying to differentiate truth from fiction.
In the future, I would probably just grey rock everything about that time in your life. For example, you can say that you don’t want to talk about it, change the subject, avoid joining those conversations, etc. This method keeps your secret but without dishonesty.
Dishonesty will bite you harder in the future.” Ok_Enthusiasm3345
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here because we are all entitled to give as much or as little information about ourselves to other people but they have the right to feel how they do if they find out that information.
NTJ because our lives are no one else’s business but our own.
YTJ because David seems to be a special kind of friend who has looked after and cared for OP in difficult circumstances. OP’s lack of openness seems to indicate that she is not as close to him as he believes they are.
The thing is OP, if you and I worked together, had an occasional coffee together, and occasionally went for a drink with colleagues after work, I would expect to know no more about you or your life than you cared to tell me.
David, on the other hand, is clearly a friend of different dimensions, an order of magnitude above general acquaintances and, perhaps, even other friends.
He clearly feels betrayed and hurt by your lack of candor, especially given the closeness of your relationship and also by the manner, I’ve no doubt, in which he found out the information you withheld but which was public knowledge to others.
Given the line of work you are in, it surely couldn’t have been too long before someone who knew you popped up.
At the end of the day, your relationship with your family is your own business but I can almost guarantee that David now has a different vision of his relationship with you.
As for a decision, I would have to go with ‘no jerks here’ but your relationship with David may be changed.” Funkyzebra1999
3. AITJ For Telling My Partner To Be Polite?
“So my partner recently bought some clothes and ordered them for my house. I was planning to take them to her the next time I go meet her. She lives in another country so I fly there often. Since it was a lot of clothes I told her that this is gonna take up most of my suitcase.
I suggested that I would wear one of the jackets inside my big winter coat and that way I would save some space. I sent her a picture of me wearing her new jacket and she responded in a very weird tone.
‘Please don’t wear my clothes. Thank you I don’t like when other people wear my clothes.’
I think this tone is a bit weird and rude for me… We’ve been together for a while now but she sometimes treats me like a stranger.
I also flipped a bit and told her that she was acting weird and that these little quirks of hers are gonna make it very hard to live with her (we’re planning to move in together soon).
We had a big-ish argument after this doubting the entire relationship because I said it’s gonna be hard to live with her.
I agree it was bad timing since she had an interview the next day but I couldn’t not tell her at the moment that she could have at least had a sense of humor about it while telling me to take off her jacket.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You hilariously modeled her jacket for her. I would’ve laughed so hard. I find her response odd too. I don’t think I have ever heard anyone say the phrase ‘I don’t like it when other people wear my clothes.’ Whereas, I have heard dozens of people say, ‘Here, borrow some clothes.’ Also, people try on clothes in stores and then do not buy them, so if you buy clothing from a store, chances are that someone has tried it on.
So what she said is outside of the norm. And if she has lots of these idiosyncratic preferences, it might in fact be hard to live with her, just like you said. I’m picturing your car breaking down, so you take hers and she says, ‘I don’t like it when other people use my car.’ Or you drink out of her favorite mug, pet her dog, or sit on ‘her’ spot on the couch, ‘I don’t like it when people sit in my spot.’ Like, where will it end?
I find people like that exhausting.” QwilleransMustache
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I find it annoying when I travel abroad and get a ton of requests to bring stuff back. It’s different when it’s my partner, but there have definitely been times when I’ve had a ton of stuff to bring back for him and it’s kind of a pain.
She should have asked you before buying so many things for you to bring back.
You probably should have asked her before putting on her jacket. Or maybe explained your plan before giving it a try by putting on the jacket.
It’s not unreasonable for her to not want other people putting on her clothes, especially when they’re new clothes.
It sounds like she asked you politely though, so I’m not sure why you’re bothered by her ‘weird and rude’ tone.
Her request was perfectly normal. Maybe you were already annoyed with her by being inconvenienced with the clothes?” Sensitive_Exit_3154
Another User Comments:
“I think when you’ve been together for a while and you consider yourselves to be close, it’s normal to expect her to laugh it off, so when she responded like that, even though it was over text, it makes sense that you were thrown off and your feelings were hurt.
My feelings would’ve been hurt, for sure, and I would’ve run off jumping to conclusions. Maybe your response wasn’t the best, as I’m sure you’ve figured out by now, but still NTJ.
It’s okay for her to have boundaries about her clothes, but I do think the text was a little too formal, especially when she said ‘I don’t like it when other people wear my clothes.’ Maybe at this point, you shouldn’t be referred to as just ‘other people.’ And the fact that she’s been regularly telling you what to do makes your thoughts about it being hard to live with her valid.
Also, her mood before an interview a day later shouldn’t really concern you because if she is meant to do well, she will. Good luck with everything!” mangospinchsmoothie
Another User Comments:
“Sounds like everyone sucks here to me.
It sounds like she stated her request rudely and overlooked the massive favor you were doing her.
It also sounds like you took one remark and escalated it to a disagreement on whether you should move in together while she was preparing for an interview, which is equally inconsiderate.
It does sound like you two need a huge, very honest conversation about what living together would look like.” DazzlingAssistant342
2. AITJ For Not Helping My Ex-Stepkids?
“I (M52) was together with my ex for five years and married for three of those. She (43) had two children from a previous relationship. She was receiving child support from her ex and we only married after she stopped getting alimony.
Her kids were part of my life from ages 10/12 – 14/16. We were on good terms but they had a father and they were on good terms with him. As it should be. They were civil and well-behaved when they spent time with us.
I’ve never had kids and didn’t ever plan on having kids. So it was a new experience for me. It was interesting but I was happy that I dealt with them when they were already partly grown.
My relationship with their mom did last, unfortunately.
It might have been better if we hadn’t gone from having fairly independent lives for our first year of marriage to being locked into our house together 24/7 for the next two years. We divorced two years ago.
We were older when we met and we both had careers so we had a prenup.
I kept the house that I owned before we married and she got some funds from the retirement fund we set up.
We are from a small town outside a big city. So we saw each other every once in a while.
At the grocery store or at social events.
The older kid is starting college this September. I remember helping them plan out their high school AP classes and talking about getting them a car if they wanted to drive from town to a train station for school.
It never happened. I never got them a car.
Now they are starting college and I saw her and she asked if I was still planning on helping her out. I said no. My help was kind of contingent on me being in a relationship with their mom.
She got upset and said that the help she got from her father was independent of his relationship with her mom. I did not want to have this conversation or explain to an 18-year-old girl exactly why I wasn’t willing to drop a few thousand dollars on a kid I had no real connection to.
I had only seen her six or seven times since the divorce.
My ex called me up and said I was a jerk for going back on a promise to her daughter. I couldn’t believe I had to explain to her why I didn’t owe her kid anything.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And good of you that you DIDN’T explain to the 18-year-old the difference between her real dad and an ex-husband of her mom for a few years. That would have hurt.
In an ideal world, perhaps, you would keep the promise once made irrespective of everything else but we do not live in an ideal world, and what you did is understandable.
The girl is just 18, and it is forgivable that she perceived it as a promise given without considering it was in fact conditional. I sort of feel sad for everyone here except for the mom because SHE is old enough and should know better.” Prangelina
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for not maintaining a closer stepfather relationship with these kids. (You probably were a jerk not developing one at all, but you actually weren’t married that long, and they have a father.)
You also promised ‘forever’ in your wedding vows.
Divorce ends a lot of promises, and it’s not jerk behavior, it’s just changed. When children get left behind, it can be very sad and hard on them. She should ask her father or mother for the things she needs; they have the responsibility and the relationship.
You didn’t have children together with this woman. It’s reasonable to move on.” Tangerine_Bouquet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But she did see you 6ish times since the divorce. That isn’t bad for a kid today, all things considered. You don’t really mention what the promise was.
If you mean buying the kid a car, a few thousand isn’t even close these days. It’s probably at least 10 grand. But in any case, the relationship only lasted a couple of years and you don’t owe the kids anything and Mom is dead wrong.
Her Daughter handled things the wrong way too. She leaned on you for promised funds, when if she had asked you nicely, she might not have come back empty-handed. Oh well. Somehow everyone is out for themselves these days and nobody is wrong.” AHDetector
1. AITJ For Not Wanting To Give Up The Gaming Room?
“My (M24) parents passed away when I was very young.
I have 3 siblings (a sister and 2 brothers), and all of them are much older than me.
After my parents passed away I wanted to live with either my sister or my second brother but both of them made it very clear that they don’t want me.
I didn’t want to go with my oldest brother because he is our half-brother and I wasn’t close to him and he lived in another city, away from all my friends and the rest of our family but he was the only one who wanted me so I went with him.
Unlike what I thought, my oldest brother is actually awesome and I had a very good life. I still live with him. My other siblings didn’t even bother to call much.
Recently my second brother lost everything. I don’t know or care about what happened. All I know is he is in a very bad condition.
My sister left the country a few years ago so my oldest brother is the only one who can help him.
A few days ago my oldest brother told us my brother and his family (wife and sons 11 and 17) want to move in with us for a while because they have no other option (his wife doesn’t have a family).
We live in a 5 bedroom house. My brother’s room, my room, his daughter’s room, his son’s room, and our gaming room so we have the space for them to move in.
My brother said he doesn’t want to force us to give up our space and wants us to figure out something that works for us.
My nephew said he is fine with giving up the gaming room or sharing for a short time but I said screw them, I’m not sharing or giving up anything for them and my niece does what I say so she is on my side.
My brother said he is a bit disappointed but won’t force us to do anything however my second brother and his wife think we are selfish jerks.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Give the same energy that you get. Why should you give up your space for someone who wouldn’t do the same for you?
If they wanna move in that’s fine they can move in, but it doesn’t mean you should give up your space for them to be comfortable after they weren’t worried about you when you were going through it.
But I would talk to your older brother and let him know that you’re still holding resentment after what they put you through and you don’t want them around. But it is his choice if he wants to allow them to come but you don’t want anything to do with them and u don’t want them in your space.” shellyrad
Another User Comments:
“I mean, what had you done for your oldest brother before he took you in and raised you? Or did he just do it, not because he owed you anything, but because it was the right thing to do?
Soft YTJ, not because you owe your second brother, but because you have a chance to be better. I understand you’re still stinging by the way you were treated. However, the second brother had also just lost his parents, was grieving, and may not have been in a position to take in and raise a kid.
That doesn’t make him a jerk; reality is tough and life isn’t fair.
If you have the space to take them in, don’t prove how wrong his actions were (not taking you in) by doing the same thing that hurt you so much.
You’re not wrong to feel hurt, but unless there are lots you’re leaving out, you’d be wrong to let your pain make the decisions.” Past_Ad_5629
Another User Comments:
“I would say you are NTJ for your feelings – your full brother didn’t care about you when you really needed help after the death of your parents.
It’s only human to not be concerned for the situation of those who have been uncaring about us. However, your half-brother is a good person who stepped up and is trying to help again out of the goodness of his heart.
You might think about responding to this situation in a manner consistent with the values he demonstrated for you.
I agree that having four more people in the house (one of them a 17-year-old who has been raised by a probably selfish father) isn’t going to be fun.
It’s going to be incumbent upon your half-brother to make sure that you and the rest of his family are not unnecessarily hassled, made uncomfortable, or otherwise unable to enjoy life in the home because of these new guests. That includes making sure there is an exit strategy and timeline rather than letting this turn into a permanent affair such as yours did.
He undertook to raise you, a child who was in no way able to look after himself; his brother is already an adult who needs to get his crap together and manage his own life affairs, not mooch off others long term.
I would also point out that at 24, you are old enough to start looking at moving out on your own and becoming independent as well.” Dipping_My_Toes
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Your eldest brother helped you out when you needed it.
It’s his house and he is happy to share. I know he said he doesn’t want to impinge on your space and it’s your decision (which is again magnanimous) but think about how he would feel if he knew he had another sibling he wanted to help but couldn’t.
I think your eldest is trying to give you an opportunity to become the better person.
If you can’t say yes, then you could let your eldest know your feelings but give the decision back to your eldest brother.” jjojj07
No one owes your brother a thing. But your oldest brother is seemingly a great person. Imo, I think you should give up your gaming room to show your oldest he did a good job in raising you, and to show your other brother the kind of person you've become without him. Do a good deed, and in the process, smear his face in it.
