People Wish For Us To Answer Their "Am I The Jerk?" Questions
17. AITJ For Not Wanting To Stay With My Sister?
“I (f18) am in my first year of college.
It’s winter break for us and I spent the first week with my parents at our house in New Hampshire. I had secured a 3-week internship for the break. This internship is located in NYC a couple of hours away from my college.
Instead of letting me rent an apartment, my parents say I needed to stay with my sister Mary (f28), and her partner, Jess (f27).
The first couple of days they were wonderful and we got along well.
I was working a lot so I did not see them as much. However, I noticed that Jess would touch my stuff all the time and borrow clothes without permission. I felt uncomfortable having someone who I am not very close with wear my clothes.
I ask her if she could stop and she agrees but very passive-aggressively.
One time when a came home they are always having intercourse on the couch as well. I understand their apartment is not my space but I still feel gross cause I’m sleeping on that couch.
So I slept on the floor after that. And during the nights they would sleep together again but kind of loudly.
I tried to address it in a light and joking manner and ask them to chill.
But Jess gets mad at me for invading their space and messing up their routines. She then claims my issue stems from homophobia as opposed to my genuine discomfort of hearing my sister have intercourse.
I can’t handle it anymore so I pack my bags and for the duration of my internship make plans to stay with a girl I met there who was sympathetic to my issue.
Mary said the way I left was rude and I’ll admit not giving them a warning wasn’t all that cool. My mom says it was rude and unappreciative. AITJ for leaving?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Taking a stranger’s clothes and wearing them is super weird, even if she had asked you. Having to listen to anyone’s naughty time is also super uncomfortable, no matter their orientation. I would think being willing to sleep on the couch after what you saw would be weird.
While I would understand her anger if you were an uninvited, frequent guest, I would have understood her anger to a certain extent.
However, she agreed to host with your sister. I would also think that refraining from having intercourse or at least doing the deed quietly for three weeks while someone else is living with you is a basic courtesy.
Also, having a guest over is bound to upset routines for a while. Both Mary and your mum seem a little too chill about what she did and a little too uptight about what you did.
Leaving after your host has blown up at you is very understandable. Congratulations on your internship babe! I have no clue what it’s about, but you seem excited about it!” TheLavenderUnicorn
Another User Comments:
“If you ever move back in with your mom you should absolutely proceed to have loud monkey intercourse every day in the room beside her bedroom and if possible in her bed as well and then see if she’ll also be rude about it or if she just lets it happen, because why not.
Absolutely NTJ, I mean this whole ‘we’re doing you a favor’ is one thing, a true one at that, but this whole naughtiness on the couch thing, at least for the duration of your stay, is incredibly disrespectful plus most people don’t like to walk in on their siblings or family, in general, getting hot and steamy with someone, let alone multiple times from the sound of it.
Last but not least the whole borrow things without asking is also not okay, so I’d say you are more than warranted to leave however you see fit.” Lotex_Style
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Jess was making sure you knew you were invading her space. I’d say passive-aggressive but it just feels aggressive.
When you have house guests you don’t fool around in the common areas (unless you are hoping to be caught).
It was only 3 weeks.
Apologize to Mary and let her know you appreciate being able to stay with her, but it felt obvious Jess didn’t want you there. Tell your mom what you were dealing with and how it made you uncomfortable.” Legitimate-Stage1296
16. AITJ For Wanting To Leave My Family's Tracking Group?
“My wife (29f) and I (29M) are part of my family’s Life 360 account. For those who don’t know it is a tracking app on your phone that keeps track of where you are (looks like google maps, but with everyone’s location listed).
My dad, mother, sister, and aunt are in this life 360 group. We decided to join it a few years ago because my aunt went missing for a few hours and everyone had agreed that it would be for emergencies only (I made a big deal at the time about this), as long as people weren’t checking up on us then I didn’t have an issue (we did make an exception for when we were visiting them, they could look to make sure we didn’t get hurt on the way to them).
Assuming the app was just dormant on our phone (it has an alert in case you are in a car accident, it will let your group know) I didn’t have an issue, but lately, my parents have been using it to see what we are doing.
A few months ago when my wife went to a work conference my mother texted me asking what she was up to. This has happened a handful of times (them texting us to see what we are doing, Mother’s/Father’s Day for example), but I can’t help but wonder how often they check up on us like this, don’t see anything out of the ordinary and don’t text me.
So, my wife and I feel like they are invading our privacy and now we feel it’s time to leave this app.
Are we the jerks for this? It’s going to be a huge deal and a ton of guilt-tripping for leaving the app.
We may be overreacting as they have also been asking for our friend’s contacts (parents live in another state from us) in case there is an emergency they can get in contact with them and make a game plan from there.
I feel like it’s just way too invasive now. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If it’s for emergencies only, just delete it and wipe away all traces of it. Don’t tell your parents.
If your parents confront you, ask why they were checking it and what the emergency was.
If there was no emergency (which is most likely) you can explain that the fact that they know you aren’t on it is the exact reason you’re not on it.
It proves they’re just randomly checking up on you, rather than using it for its intended purpose of emergencies only.
If they ask ‘why didn’t you tell us you deleted it,’ say ‘because I’m a 30-year-old married adult.
Do you want me to let you know when I delete emails? Should I call you to let you know I uninstalled Tetris from my phone?’
If they never confront you, then either they’re not checking up on you like you think, or they did check, realized what you did, and also realized they couldn’t confront you about it for the reasons outlined above.
Either way, you avoid the headache.” redpurplegreen22
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Guilt trips are optional, you don’t have to go. You’re adults. There is no explanation required. If they want to throw a fit, let them.
There are no rules that say you have to pacify them if they do. If you want to have a conversation about why you’re deleting an app from your phone, you can, but honestly, that’s not necessary either.
If they ask, just say you don’t see a benefit to it like you thought you would. If they press and you want to, you can say that you feel that their checking up on your whereabouts is unnecessary and inappropriate given that you are adults.
But that’s the thing… you are adults, and if you don’t want to do something, you don’t have to. Own it. There’s nothing wrong with it.” FilthyDaemon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… And… Like 20 years ago you didn’t have life360.
And nobody worried when someone diddent react for like a few hours. Now there is panic when someone does react for 10 min. When I was young we went on a 12-hour trip to Austria.
People started to worry if you didn’t show up with vacation pictures after a week or 3. Then they called and went ‘you ok?’ And you said ‘fine, doing the vacation laundry’ and it was ok.
Oh god. I sound like I am 80… Believe me, I am not 80.
I just think it is really creepy that family (and friends) need to know every step you make. Or need to track you.
I do also think people use life360 just because they are curious.” Celli-Belly
15. AITJ For Not Giving My Kid's Contact Information To His Dad?
“Kiddo is 15. His bio dad last saw him when he was 1 (his choice, I have never kept him away from him).
He left the state we resided in right around his first birthday. I also moved to another state after he left because there was nothing holding me there. He had 0 interest in him. He remarried and had 3 kids.
We were pretty much no contact,- other than me providing updates over the years about his achievements and accomplishments. I also communicated with his sisters and provided updates and pictures, etc.
A year or two ago I reached out because I needed his signature to get his passport renewed. He signed and provided whatever else I needed to renew.
He also let me know that he wanted to establish contact with the kiddo and I told him I’d talk to him about it and go from there.
It’s important to note, I have never said anything about the divorce other than “it didn’t work out for us”.
I have never said anything negative to him about his father. I have always responded to any questions and provided photos and updates (all via text and email so I have documented proof).
I have brought this up with my son several times,- I told him that his dad would like to get to know him.
My son has repeatedly told me he wants nothing to do with a father that had no interest until now. I told his dad the same and asked for some time to talk to my son to see if I can coax him into at least one conversation.
It’s been two years. My son vehemently refuses. He does not want contact with his dad.
Dad is demanding I give him my son’s cell phone information. Dad is accusing me of keeping and blocking him from his son.
My son does not want me to give his dad his cell info and says his dad is a stranger and does not want any contact.
AITJ here for refusing to give my son’s dad his cell phone number as per my son’s request?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But I’ll give you some practical advice, consult a lawyer. Not sure if there was ever a court agreement but courts don’t like a parent keeping a child from a parent.
HOWEVER the details matter, you don’t seem to be keeping the child away, the child doesn’t want a relationship after 14 years, which is fair. The only thing you need to make sure of is that you and your child are protected legally.
Sounds like you did the right thing and kept communications in email and text so there is a paper trail. Verbal means nothing in court. A lawyer might also be able to help get him to back off with the threat of legal action against him.
You are doing the right thing, the only thing you want to do now is to protect yourself and your child.” Individual_Ice_3167
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, from bio dad’s perspective he doesn’t know if you’ve actually talked to your son and he has a duty to him, so he’s not being unreasonable.
Your son needs to speak to him personally, not through you – over your phone is fine if he doesn’t want to give out his number.
He WILL feel uncomfortable, but protecting ourselves from being uncomfortable makes us WEAK.
Challenging ourselves and pushing ourselves through the discomfort is what causes personal growth. As a parent, you can’t keep enabling your child to avoid something necessary that won’t harm him but will make him uncomfortable.
He can talk to his dad himself and tell him he doesn’t want to be involved with him.” PattersonsOlady
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, talk with your son and let him know that if he would like to contact his dad at any point you will give him the info to do so and then tell your ex that you did exactly that and that it is up to your son if he would like to have contact with him because, to be honest, this guy doesn’t seem like a great parent and he cannot use his ‘fall back’ child to make himself feel better.
If he continues to bother you inform him that you will go no contact with him other than in emergency situations from here on out.” ReiEvangel
14. AITJ For Causing An Elderly Woman To Get Evicted?
“I (F30) and my partner (M28) have lived in the same apartment complex for around 5 years now. Three months ago, an elderly woman (80-90ish?) moved in by herself in that particular apartment–we’ll call her Betty.
We introduced ourselves a few days after she moved in and she seemed nice enough.
The whole issue started about a month ago when Betty confronted me about coming up the stairs on the way to my apartment.
She claimed she was hearing the occasional thump from upstairs, and we immediately knew what it probably was. Our large dog tends to lay on the ground, butt first, with a solid ‘thump’. We profusely apologize and told her all this and she tells us that’s clearly not the case, that no way ‘her puppy’ would ever cause such a noise and it was clearly us not being careful and throwing things around.
We insist the dog was probably the cause but we tell her we’ll certainly try to be much more aware of what we do in our apartment.
Fast forward a week. I come home and take a nap on the couch.
30 minutes later Betty’s at our door saying I had dropped something so hard I unplugged her TV (I’m still trying to figure this one out). I tell her I was napping, but she doesn’t believe me.
My partner and I were eating dinner another night and someone from the office comes by saying we were stomping on the floor but stopped midway seeing we were clearly sitting down at the dinner table eating.
My partner goes down and tries to talk to her for nearly 2 hours. He hears one thump at that time and confirms that it definitely was the dog. She seemed to finally understand. All in all, the office seemed to be on our side and explained to her there wasn’t much for them to do as the noises were inconsistent.
Clearly, the office wasn’t working for her, and around 11:30 one night we get a knock on the door from the police, saying they received a call about a ‘domestic’ incident. Similarly to the office guy, the officer took one look in the apartment, seeing we were both originally asleep, and wished us a good night.
We reported this to the office, and they said they would reach out to her. But on Christmas Eve there was another police visit after a bowl of salsa fell from the fridge door when I was cleaning it out.
And then another visit on Christmas (I’m not actually sure what triggered that one?)
We document everything and send it to the office the moment they open back up. Within a few days, they let us know that she will be getting evicted, much to our relief.
Our friends had been updated (in nearly real-time) on the situation and they definitely thought that was the right move. However, when I told my coworkers, some of them called us heartless for now putting an elderly, single woman in a situation where she has to try and find a new place to live during the current events and all that and putting her at high risk.
I felt like she couldn’t just keep harassing us with the police and something needed to be said, but I kind of see their point. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You didn’t get her evicted. She’s not allowed to harass you in your own home, which is what she was doing by calling the manager and then the police… multiple times.
If you live in shared spaces like apartments, you have to realize you’re going to sometimes hear your neighbors. And as long as you’re not practicing the trombone at 2 am on the regular, you’re allowed to make noise that’s normal to living.
It’s sad she has violated enough provisions of the lease that the landlord has decided she can’t stay, but that’s not your problem.” TheBearWillBeFine
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
When you move into an apartment block, you do so with the understanding that you will be living in close proximity to other people.
That generally means that even when people are respectful, you will occasionally hear noises like hoovering or the odd thump and clang that just comes as part of everyday life.
The fact that she complained at first is not really a problem, but the fact that she continued to not only complain after having it pointed out that the noises were reasonable but started including the authorities means apartment life is just obviously not for her and she needs to find somewhere more suitable to live before she gets into trouble for wasting the time of your policy and management.
It is also notable that you didn’t actually do anything yourselves. The complaints were being made by her, and it is perfectly reasonable to include the management to ensure everything is dealt with appropriately – especially when you have the police knocking on your door.
The decision to renew her lease or not sits entirely with your management and their tolerance for her nonsense.” nrsys
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ
While I do understand that this woman is elderly, she obviously refused to listen when you explained that the reality of the situation was nothing like she assumed, and it seems like she escalated the situation needlessly on numerous occasions.
You were 100% right to document everything and submit it to your building superintendent or whoever is responsible for your property. I could understand if this had been a one-time thing on her part, but it was not and you have as much right to live there peacefully as Betty did.
You didn’t get her evicted and you certainly aren’t the jerk. Unfortunately, the only one Betty has to blame for her situation is herself.” SayItAintSo9655
13. AITJ For Putting One Of My Kids On A Diet?
“I have 4 kids, 2 boys, and 2 girls. This story only really concerns one of them, who I’ll call Daisy. All of my family except Daisy are fit. We’re not like some model-level attractive or anything but we’re all healthy except for Daisy.
The reason we’re healthy is that we all do and enjoy physical exercises, like sports. My 2 sons play basketball and cricket and my daughter is involved in gymnastics, ballet, and swimming. We all also learn muay Thai for self-defense.
We all eat everything in moderation, we eat junk too, but not too much. We also give the kids coins for food at school, since they were young, and we gave them a massive talk about eating healthy and self-indulgence.
We make their food at home, but the coins are for if they want to buy a treat from the cafeteria or if they’re still hungry.
Daisy is 12 right now, and we have noticed that she is a lot fatter than her siblings.
We chalked it up to her just being built bigger, and also because she doesn’t enjoy physical exercise as we do. She despises being sweaty and tired.
We recently took her to the doctor and were told she was highly overweight.
Not obese, but she needs to begin to lose weight immediately. The doctor didn’t want to give us a specific diet and told us it wasn’t severe enough for that, but that Daisy needs to stop eating all junk foods immediately OR begin to exercise very regularly.
Basically, either consume fewer calories or burn more.
Obviously, Daisy was distraught because she loves eating junk food and hates exercise. I told her that she had to either enroll in a multitude of sports, or she was dieting.
She started yelling at us that she was healthy and that health comes in all sizes.
She started screaming about how we hate her because she’s fat, but the truth is she just isn’t healthy.
She also despises sports, and when we enrolled her after this, she just stood there and did nothing.
So the only solution was to cut her off from junk food. However, the rest of the family loves junk food, and I felt it would just breed resentment between the kids if all of them had to lose out just because of her, given that they work for the ability to eat junk food.
Recently we were all eating pizza for dinner and I told Daisy that was eating a salad because she needed to lose weight and wasn’t exercising. She threw a tantrum but I feel I am clear, either exercise and eat like you used to, or eat healthier.
She called her aunt who came over and began a rant.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, if your family is eating that much junk food, then you all need to eat less junk food.
Junk food is just that, junk. Because it has very little to no nutritional value. Your kids are still growing and developing their palates and eating habits, so they should be used to and very happy eating healthy food most of the time with very occasional treats.
What you should have done was gradually reduce the amount of junk food you as a family consumes, switching things out for healthier options, while NOT making this all about Daisy. Have something like Fun Day Friday where treats can be eaten, but the rest of the week is healthy fare.
Go out for family walks, or bike rides, or find a pool to swim in to avoid the sweating issue to sneak in some movement.
There are a million ways to help Daisy that don’t demean her and make her feel worse about herself.
She is hitting puberty, so it is not uncommon to gain some fat during this time, and then it slips off once the body has adjusted to the hormonal surge.
You should be looking to build her up and make her feel empowered and good about herself.
Instead, you made her feel ashamed and defensive and that you don’t love her because her body doesn’t look nice to you. You say it’s about her health, but that is a lie. If you were concerned about the health of your children they wouldn’t be eating so much junk food that it became such a problem for the one child who doesn’t like sports.
YTJ in such a massive way.” Ema630
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Everyone should be eating the same meals; less conflict.
Umm… she’s 12. Puberty could be setting in so she’s going to gain weight as she goes through puberty.
Staying healthy and active doesn’t have to mean being sweaty and gross. Walking is great exercise.
And unfortunately, doctors are notorious for being bad at what is a healthy weight. Those growth charts for kids (in the US) are based on formula-fed babies, so they are skewed. Also, unless you are taking a caliper and measuring fat BMI is a nonsense measurement.
For example, I had a very upfront fitness instructor who was about 5’7” share that at her weight of 175 she would be considered obese based on BMI. This woman was very fit and muscular, but based solely on height and weight would be considered obese.
You as the grown-ups provide the inspiration, motivation, and lifestyle. What’s up with the junk food references? It’s not about weight; it’s about being healthy. Healthy choices. Just because you exercise doesn’t mean you can eat junk food.
You are teaching kids the wrong relationship with food.” Specialist_Candie_77
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You have made this about essentially punishing her as opposed to developing healthy habits.
You have taken the diet or exercise approach.
For exercise, the only option you have offered is signing up for a bunch of sports. And on the diet side, it is eliminating all junk food. Except pizza isn’t empty calories or super sugared.
Your goal isn’t to get her to avoid eating pizza. Your goal is to support a healthy lifestyle. That means diet and activity and that means avoiding turning this into an eating disorder.
That might mean empowering Daisy. Make some sort of exercise a family thing.
Perhaps an evening walk. Support her in doing anything active; it doesn’t have to be sports.
On the eating side, figure out what she likes that is healthy.
Get a good scale and food diary. Give her the power to make choices and educate her. Pizza in moderation? Sure. Candy and sugar soda as a meal? No. I would also consult with a dietitian — higher protein might be helpful, consult with a pro.
In trying to avoid resentment, you have created resentment. If one family member has a drinking issue, would you insist everyone else drink but not them? Not saying everyone eats clean but some middle ground.” tropicaldiver
12. WIBTJ If I Raise My Child As A Bilingual?
“I moved to The Netherlands last year with my partner.
He is Dutch and speaks it. I am Irish and speak English, Irish, and obviously Dutch. We also decided to have a baby. My partner’s sister volunteered to be a surrogate and if all goes well, we’ll have a little girl in the spring.
I am forever grateful to her for this.
We went back to Ireland for Christmas (we followed all guidelines in place) and the conversation of what language the baby’s gonna speak came up.
I told my partner that I want her to be raised bilingual in Dutch and English so that she’ll have a better future. I think having a second language will really help her in the future with school, traveling career opportunities and so much more.
My partner, however, wants to raise her only in Dutch so he can understand her. I asked him to elaborate and he said that he was not good enough at English to raise a child.
I told him that he is and that if he was unsure, he can go to a class. He also said it might get her bullied for speaking what kids think is nonsense. This is in no way true.
I work with kids every day and they’re fascinated by the fact that I speak three languages.
I asked my family and my partner’s family and all of my family as well as my partner’s sister agree English is an important language to have and that they want to be able to talk to her.
My parents also think I should raise her in Irish but I think three languages is too much for a child but I do plan on teaching her a little when she’s older.
My partner’s family thinks she should only be raised in Dutch because they can’t speak English.
So, WIBITJ for raising my child bilingual?
Edit: I was surprised he’d say he has bad English because he doesn’t.
He isn’t as good as some other Dutch people I’ve met but that doesn’t mean anything. He can talk to me and my family perfectly in English. Also, I feel the need to say this is the only disagreement we’ve had so far on how to raise our child.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Please do it! You will benefit from it and so will your child to do it early and your child will have a much harder time learning later on in life if they want to learn the language.
His parents are just insecure and scared… like the Dutch are one of the best English-speaking people. (I’m half Dutch myself) It has nothing to do with not understanding it. They just want her to only know Dutch for now… which doesn’t really make sense.
English already gets taught in Elementary school nowadays so… what is the big deal if your child has a ‘head’ start on listening/speaking etc. They will learn it eventually! And if he’s so scared, he should brush up on his English skills or even say… ‘I will learn with her’.” Zealousideal_Ad7662
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’d be doing your child a favor. Baby brains are incredibly plastic and language acquisition is deeply hardwired, so the more language and the more different languages she’s exposed to, the better able she will be to learn languages her entire life.
If the baby is brought up from birth hearing Dutch and English spoken to her, she will speak both. Both of you should be speaking to your child in your own languages. Sing baby songs in English and Irish, and let your partner and his family sing to her in Dutch.
She will absorb all of this.
Kids do figure out which people they can talk to in which languages—one of my Scottish friends’ kids had a ‘special dada language’ because his dad would speak Gaelic with them, while their mother spoke English.
Of course, when the whole family was talking together, they’d use English, but the kids speak both and the older boy now writes bilingual poetry. And they never had any difficulty speaking with their Anglophone grandparents.” Amiedeslivres
Another User Comments:
“NTJ–There are nothing but benefits to your children growing up bilingual. First, of course, is that they will learn both languages easily and naturally. They may lag just a bit up until about age 3 or 4 until they sort out who speaks which language.
They will just know how to talk to grandma #1 in Dutch and grandma #2 in English.
Studies have shown that the brains of children raised bilingually actually process language differently from those who learn a 2nd language later in life.
They store words and meanings differently–it’s like their brains get more exercise figuring out how languages work.
Also, you can assure your partner that once your child starts socializing with other children and going to school, the language of their social environment (Dutch) will always be stronger than the language of their home.
So it’s really important for you as Mom to continue to speak English to her all the time.
Studies, unfortunately, show that some immigrant parents to the USA, who want their children to have the benefit of growing up speaking English as a first language better than they themselves do, only speak to them in English, thereby providing a less rich linguistic background than if they had spoken to their babies in their own language, and this can result in deficits.
So both you and your husband should talk to your babies in your own first languages.” MsDJMA
11. AITJ For Being Selfish When I'm Sick?
“When I was ten, I was diagnosed with an illness doctors said would eventually take my life.
I’m now in my early twenties and I don’t think I’m one with the world for too much longer now.
Four weeks ago was my birthday and my mother asked me what I wanted to do to celebrate.
Even though I can’t participate now, I always had fond memories of going bowling with my siblings and cousins so I said I’d like to go to the local bowling alley. My mom was in charge of everything — invites, food, the lot.
Throughout her planning, I told her I wanted to enjoy everyone having fun and get to see my nieces try to bowl. I just wanted to enjoy everyone else having a good time.
When I get there, the mood is somber.
No one is bowling and people are mostly just talking in hushed voices. I cannot try to bowl to get everyone started and I’m stuck watching. An hour or so in, my closest cousin says he wants to play the arcade games and I ask to go with him.
I watch him play Pac-man for a while before he says, ‘I know you use humor to cope, but this was a little sick even for you.’ I asked him what he meant and he realized I had no idea of what he was talking about.
Apparently, my mother made a big stink of this being my ‘last birthday’ with everyone. It said that on the invite. Last birthday. Last year of life. I was furious and heartbroken. It’s why everyone was so sad.
I have my cousin bring me back out and take me to my mom. She’s crying with her sister and mom still. I tell her I want to leave and she says, ‘The reservation is for four more hours, and we still have cake.’ I repeat myself and my aunt says, ‘Stop making everything about you for once.
She’s grieving.’
I say, ‘It is all about me, I’m the one saying goodbye.’ I’m yelling at this point and my mom cries harder. My dad drops me off at my facility and he doesn’t comment on what happened. He just hugs me and leaves.
My phone is blowing up after and people are mad at me until my cousin says I didn’t know. I haven’t talked to anyone but my cousin since then. My nurse says I’m being stubborn but I wanted one more good thing before I’m too sick to enjoy any bit of it.
AITJ for being selfish when I’m sick & proceeding to ignore my family?”
Another User Comments:
“Wow. No, you’re not the jerk. Your aunt’s comment is infuriating because that day SHOULD be all about you.
It was your birthday and the only focus of anyone attending should have been on making sure you had a great day. That would be true under any circumstances, but tenfold when you are dealing with a terminal illness.
By advertising it as a grieving affair your mom made it about her, not cool.
I won’t begin to imagine being in your shoes, but I think I can say confidently I’d be super mad if I were you as well.
As for continuing to ignore them, I know it’s easy for me to say but maybe you should ease up on that a bit. Don’t let anger rob you of any significant time you can still spend together.
Explain why you were hurt and try and foster a situation where you can enjoy each other while you have the time.
Whatever you decide, I wish you the best and just know you have every right to be ‘selfish’ in this situation, but don’t let that inadvertently rob you of the people you love.
Be honest, be assertive, and if they love you they will listen.
Godspeed.” ArtlessOne
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you didn’t ask that nurse for their opinion explicitly, they can go take a long walk off a short pier.
It’s good that you’re talking to your cousin. Depending on how he was during the fight, you should talk to your dad at least. Even though his silence hurt, he was willing to follow your wishes and take you back from the party instead of trying to hold you hostage.
(Unless he’s been on the phone blow-up train).
I think it may be cathartic to write them letters letting them know why you’re so hurt by this situation. You never have to send them (or even write them, just go through what you wish they understood about the situation through your eyes).
People try to canonize the dead because they’re so desperate to remember only the good things, but this often turns them into flatter versions of themselves. You’re still here and that sort of deceptive reasoning (It’s your party, you have to be happy even when we’ve done everything to make sure you can’t be!) is something you still have the power to correct.
Even though you have accepted the reality of what time you have left, you don’t need your own mother contributing to the pain by publicly crossing off days on the calendar.
Your aunt needs a swift kick in her rear.
She basically said you’re already dead to her to your face. She has made the grieving process infinitely more painful for everyone by taking her anger and grief of the situation out on you, who is the one who is ultimately most affected by it.
Even though she likely said it out of stress in the heat of the moment, you don’t owe her forgiveness if you don’t have it in you.” Loving_Hate
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you asked for one happy day that wasn’t all focused on your illness and she took it from you.
She made it all about her, she turned your event which was for YOU into her weird pre-passing wake. She excluded you from it, she did it all for her. This isn’t you being selfish, it’s you expressing disappointment and frustration.
She created a completely different event than what you asked for and were expecting. I get that all this must be so hard for her, I cannot imagine what it’s like to be in her shoes.
Grieving while the person is still alive is normal and not really something one can control, but she did not have to let her feelings infect your event. This was meant to be a happy memory, one she could look back on in the future and one you could hold on to, but she robbed that opportunity from everyone.
Putting ‘last birthday’ on the invites was way too far, it makes your illness from and center and brings sadness immediately to mind. I doubt this was on purpose, as I said she probably spends a lot of time being distraught and may not have even realized what she was doing.
Try and express to her your want for happiness and normalcy, that you don’t want the rest of your life (which could have another birthday in it, who knows) to be focused on your passing.” VermicelliHospital
10. AITJ For Not Wanting To Meet My Sister's Child?
“June 2020: my pregnant sister and her husband visited my home. Throughout the afternoon, he was going to the bathroom repeatedly & sleeping for most of the visit.
Later that evening, I saw an entire bottle of narcotics was missing. I immediately texted my sister and BIL. He never replied, and she told me that neither of them had taken it. I pushed her hard to acknowledge that he had stolen my narcotics.
When she would not believe me, we stopped talking. She was defensive of her spouse, and I was not afraid to point out his previous substance-related issues.
My parents chose to ignore my BIL’s issues.
They didn’t want to tell her the truth because they were afraid they wouldn’t see her baby. My sister would remind my parents that I was an angry, irrational person who was making baseless accusations against her innocent husband.
This caused serious problems for myself and my parents. My parents would drive to visit them, and then tell me the horrible things that they saw with his substance use & anger. I told them they needed to parent, and they could help if they would just be honest. They chose to placate her instead.
My mother and I ended up having a huge fight about everything that had gone on. Within a week, they showed up at my home unannounced. I had previously considered cutting contact with my parents for other reasons, but this just whole situation put the icing on the cake.
I sent my parents a long, angry letter in May 2021 that detailed why I would no longer be contacting them. I changed my phone number and blocked them all on social media, but I did not change my email addresses nor did my spouse change anything.
BIL went to jail in the summer of 2021. My cousin texted me about it, saying my sister wanted my number so I could meet the baby. I told her I appreciated her reaching out, but I wasn’t interested in going to meet the baby & I did not want her to give my new number out.
I didn’t hear from anyone, so I figured it was done. Then, 2 weeks ago, my cousin messages saying that a family member was in the ICU and my family wanted my number. She said how I owe my parents b/c of things they paid for, that I’m immature, and she ‘can live with (her) choices’.
I told her she was meddling, and she had no right to tell me what to do when she does not have both sides of the story. Then she unfriended me on social media.
Then she gave my number to my sister. My sister texted me: ‘we all need to meet halfway’, ‘the person who wronged (me) is in jail’ & she wants me to meet her kid.
I messaged back telling her she needs to accept responsibility for the part that she played, she needs to stop trying to use her kid as a bribe to get me back into her life, and that her choices got her to this point.
She replied simply to tell me she’s sorry I don’t want to meet her kid, that she ‘doesn’t understand most of my accusations’ but that she won’t argue. I am very overwhelmed by this entire situation.
I obviously care for my family, but I barely have a connection with them anymore. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They treated you like crap as long as they wanted and when they decided that they were done doing that and wanted to fix things, they started acting like you owed them a reconciliation because the ‘bad guy’ is gone and they still refuse to acknowledge their own parts.
They caused your estrangement from them, from the way you tell your story. Sure, forgiveness is awesome and all that, but they don’t seem contrite at all and they seem to just want to forget things because it’s convenient for them and have already tried to manipulate through a cousin, by saying you owe your parents, and by using your niece.
So yeah, it doesn’t sound like you’d be walking into anything you’d like.” Tough_Stretch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But people in abusive situations often don’t, or choose not, to see a lot of the situation they are in.
Or they believe it will get better.
You may be 100% right in all of your views of his terrible behavior.
But your parents also did the right thing.
Sometimes when someone is in an abusive situation you stop pointing it out (as they know) and you just be in the background for when they fall!
If it’s repeated with relationships all the time then often it’s time to walk away completely.
But if it’s a one-off then sometimes you can find it in yourself to see that they were in a bad situation and didn’t know how to get out of it.
But now they are out of it and need you.
But they are all your choices.” OpinionatedAussieGal
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You get to decide what kind of relationship you want and what you need to heal. And let me be clear, ‘heal’ means what YOU need to have a long, happy life.
Do you think about them, do you miss them, do you want them to take ownership of what they did? Do you dream about a way forward with them? If you do, then you might consider now, or in the future, talking to them (parents or sisters).
But if what you need to heal is to just be done with them, well then be done with them.
Do whatever you need to not have a heavy weight on you, and that can include recognizing that these people bring drama to your life that you don’t want again.
Your BIL was an addict and you watched everyone pretend and yell at you for being honest. Combine that with other issues, it seems it was healthier for you to cut contact. You don’t ‘owe’ them anything, you just have to decide for yourself what is best for you.” mfruitfly
9. AITJ For Refusing To Allow My Cousins To Bring +1s To My Wedding?
“My fiance and I are having an ~100-person wedding, and paying for it 100% ourselves (mostly me). To help cut down on costs, and make sure we can invite everyone we actually want to have, we instituted a +1 rule: for everyone outside of the wedding party, +1s need to be people in long-term, committed relationships where rings are involved, imminent, or some other obvious commitment has been made.
It applies to family and friends equally.
My mom thinks I’m being a bit of a jerk about the rule and wants an exception made for my cousins. All but 1 of my cousins are chronically single (the last one is engaged) and she thinks they won’t have a good time if they have to come by themselves.
She also thinks it’s going to upset one particular cousin who is already angry that I’m younger and getting married first, and that I should allow her to bring a +1 to keep the peace, even if I don’t allow the rest of my cousins to bring +1s.
My dad and fiance agree that we can’t just in it’s everyone, you have to make cuts somewhere. Dad also thinks that the particular cousin in question won’t care if she has a +1 or not, she’s going to be upset that day anyway, so why bother?
I agree and don’t really want to spend money on people I don’t even know and have to cut friends to afford it. I also don’t agree with making exceptions to the rule just for one person or making rules different for family vs friends.
So, AITJ for refusing to allow my cousins to bring +1s to my wedding?”
Another User Comments:
“The basic goal of +1s is to make sure single guests know someone else at the wedding – so they’re not left feeling like they are on the outside of conversations, looking in.
Your cousins are part of the family. Presumably, they will know other people and won’t have trouble making conversation. If your mom wants to expand the guest list, she can pony up for all of the +1s.
Otherwise, your wedding, your (very reasonable) rule. NTJ.” kodak723
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Weddings are expensive and all of those plus ones add up to a lot of people.
If you’re willing to compromise (and increase the size of your wedding), offer to allow Mom to pay for all of the plus ones for both yours and your fiance’s cousins (need to be fair to both sides of the family).
Mom needs to pay in advance of invitations going out.” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is traditional, public couples must be invited together but those who aren’t couples are assumed to want to celebrate your marriage, not go on a date.
Even the bridal party, presumably your closest friends, should want to focus more on you than a date. And, yes, relatives of the same degree should be treated the same way – all aunts and uncles, or none.
(With exceptions being made for those in prison or deserving to be so.)
If people ask if they can bring a date, explain that it’s a very small wedding, but you would like to invite them both to dinner as soon as you get settled.
ETA: publicly acknowledged couples are married, engaged, or living together.” WokeJabber
8. AITJ For The Way I Handled A Petty Customer?
“I’m Italian-American (like born in Italy, the family immigrated here, not ‘my great grandpa immigrated to America so I make being of Italian descent my whole personality’).
Anyways, my family has a couple of authentic Italian restaurants. I just recently opened my own location.
One of the things we serve is authentic Italian pizzas. A Margherita pizza is based on the Italian flag.
So red for the sauce, white for the mozzarella, and green for the basil. Again, The ingredients are listed under the name on our menu.
One of my waiters came to me saying the man was complaining about his pizza.
I went to go see what was up and he was complaining that he got the wrong pizza. I asked what pizza he ordered and he told me, Margherita. I told him he did get the right pizza.
He said, ‘no It was supposed to come with tomatoes.’ I said, ‘oh so you asked for tomatoes on this.’ He said, ‘well yeah I asked for a Margherita pizza.’ I explained that a Margherita pizza doesn’t come topped with tomatoes, but said if he wanted a pizza with tomatoes I could have one made.
He said that’s what he wanted.
The waiter later came and told me there was another problem at the same table. I went to see what was up and the man was saying he was charged extra.
I had the waiter take off the first pizza he ordered and replace it with a Margherita pizza with tomatoes added on. He asked why he was getting charged at all but especially being charged extra for the tomatoes.
I again explained that what he ordered didn’t come with tomatoes and that tomatoes were an add-on.
He finally accepted that what he ordered didn’t come with tomatos unless added on but said he should not be charged because we ‘had’ to remake his pizza.
I told him that we remade his pizza based on a misunderstanding HE had and since it wasn’t the fault of my staff, I wasn’t offering any compensation. He continued to argue with me until he finally paid ).
But he told me he ‘will never come back to a restaurant run by a jerk’..”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I suggest you work on your delivery.
I’m going to preface this with the man WAS WRONG 100%
But customer service is key in the US regardless of how ridiculous it is. And by the tone, I read from your writing I can imagine the tone taken with him wasn’t much better.
Simply replying with ‘that is a Margherita pizza’ is a very short way to state that. Especially by his comment, it’s not far off to assume that he expected something different. Instead, try ‘We make authentic Italian food here and this is how a Margherita pizza is usually made in Italy, is there a different way you would prefer your dish to be made?’ Or a simple ‘Is there something you’d like me to change on your dish’.
I would also check how you make your food and compare it to the way we have Americanized it as I’m sure this isn’t going to be the only complaint like this. I’m not saying to change the recipe, just become more acquainted with what issues might arise so you can be ahead of the complaints.
I do not believe you needed to comp his meal. The only thing I stand on my issue with is the delivery of the said message. You want your customers to come back, not tell people that you suck.
If you get someone who just is straight up belligerent or only shows up to try and score free food, no you do not want them, but you do want everyone else.” enjoyingtheposts
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You sound stuck up. All recipes changed over time. Someone decided to make a sauce out of a weird fruit from across the world and add it to pasta!
You have your ‘authentic’ Italian ristorante and the gentleman might not have realized that the dishes are not what he’s used to.
It’s not their personality it’s a result of discrimination & segregation in the US (in other countries like Mexico Italians have just mostly blended in or like Argentina they have had so much influence that Argentine Spanish is spoken with an Italian accent).
If you’re not accepted by the people of the country you’ve moved to because of where you come from & because of anti catholicism then what are you & your people going to do?
Stop being stuck up! Not only do recipes change over time but everyone’s family has their own version of a dish.” AKA_June_Monroe
Another User Comments:
“Your NTJ for the customer having a misunderstanding when your menu and discussion with him were pretty clear.
That said as someone who managed in the service industry at one point in my life, sometimes it’s easier to say along the lines of ‘I understand you thought this pizza came with tomatoes.
Though what it comes with is clearly marked on the menu, I will have tomatoes added to your pizza at no extra charge this time. Tomatoes are not authentic to Margherita pizzas in Italy and I try to make my food as authentic as I can.
Next time, if you’d like this pizza, please bear in mind that tomatoes are an extra charge and that you need to ask for them.’
It would appease him just enough to not have him complaining to all his friends about your restaurant or writing an angry review.
But not enough that he’ll likely make your restaurant a priority to come back to because let’s get real we don’t actually want him as a customer.
It could really damage your business to argue with a customer over something relatively trivial. Again you’re NTJ, but be aware that while the customer isn’t always right, if it’s not something major, it may be just worth appeasing them than dealing with the headache/fallout.
Best of luck in your venture!” lifesmanylemons
And if they're saying otherwise it's a lie. People who make mistakes apologize and say OK I understand next time I'll order with tomatoes or xan we have some for the pizza on the side. But if you fight with me thY I messed up when you just didn't read what you ordered guess what you're wrong. Beat boss I had told me the xustomer is not always right they're full of unpredictable and take advantage, you treat them accordingly and I have your back. He did too people tried to rip us off not realizes the owner and he had our back everytime.. he look them in the face and say no you the customer are wrong so either fix it or don't come back. He didn't give the chance for someone to say I won't come back and if he did he said good I won't serve you anyways ... he was Greek lived here 50 years at that point but lived 19 in Greece i loved that man customers such and if you disagree you're probably one of the ones we re ranking about
7. AITJ For Getting My Own Room?
“A group of buddies and I, 12 guys total, organized a ski vacation to a mountain in Maine.
Great place to ski but we had a disagreement about the lodging. The majority of the group wanted to cram multiple people into a hotel room; more than the comfortable limit (my limit at least).
We are all older, some of us married and even with kids. But the mentality of lodging like we are still in our 20s is prevalent. I like to think we’ve graduated from that mentality a bit…
We’ve done trips like this and I barely sleep. I don’t like sharing a bed with my male friends. My last bedmate had great difficulty finding a comfortable position. The heaving & squirming about, the wheezing, snuffling, and grunting in the darkness might have come from a pen of restless pigs.
I’m cramped, somebody is always snoring, farting, or waking up to take a leak, somebody is coming/going at weird hours; the bathroom/shower is busy, everybody’s clothing/stuff is on top of one another; it’s not relaxing!
The last time, I was last to take a morning dump, 5 guys before me already destroyed the bathroom. It was so gross, I moved the coffee maker to brew a pot in the bathroom to neutralize the atmosphere.
I can’t be the only one feeling this way! So this time around I’d booked my own room and spread out a bit. 5 people in 1 room, 6 in another sharing 2 queen beds + a pull-out couch.
Nope! I did NOT want to repeat the last vacation and looked forward to relaxation, actual sleep, and my own bathroom.
Disaster on the first night. Somebody was wasted and didn’t make it to the toilet in time vomiting on the room carpet.
One of the guys from that room approached me and asked if he could bunk with me. My room has double queen beds and I made him a deal. You split the room cost with me and on the condition, we allow nobody else.
While I feel for those guys, I’m not cramming in again like sardines. I could bunk with 1 person but I had to put my foot down somewhere.
Predictably, I get requests to allow more, even from the non vomit room.
I said no. They even drew up a plan to divide the 12 ppl in our group among the 3 rooms; I didn’t want to bunk with 3 people & refused. Nobody had a good answer when I pointed out 5-6 in a room was ok during the planning phase but not ok now?
I thought of that beforehand and got my own room but when I decline to ‘help’, I’m the bad guy? The maids cleaned the vomit and the smell was gone. The hotel was booked & no other rooms were available.
In the interest of keeping things amicable, my roommate and I decided to allow 1 more person for a total of three in our room (if he shared his bed & I slept alone) but that wasn’t good enough, and feelings were hurt.
I’m not going to say the vacation was ruined but I got a lot of side-eye from the team for the rest of the trip. Apparently, I’m unhelpful, not a team player, and not one of the ‘bros’.
This is making me reconsider our next trip if we do this again.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ. This is my worst nightmare. Like, you went OUT OF YOUR WAY to make special arrangements at an increased cost to accommodate your own preferences so that you could still enjoy your friend’s trip without having to put up with the nonsense of sharing living space with 10 other people.
The freaking NERVE that these people have. They’re mad at what, exactly?
They knew exactly what the lodging situation would be as the OP notes it is always the same. If OP hadn’t gotten a separate room, they wouldn’t have been demanding different accommodations.
AND, they had every bit the same opportunities to make their own arrangements the way OP did to avoid the whole mess. Instead, the friends decided to try to take OP’s room he arranged at his own cost and just re-distribute people so that all the rooms were equally miserable and OP’s arrangements were voided completely.
No, as adults, if they wanted different accommodations, they should have made them in advance.
Maybe just skip the next trip. These guys were acting entitled and immaturely. You’re adults! If they didn’t want the frat house atmosphere they should have gotten their own rooms too, not tried to guilt you into taking them in.” T00narmy1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But I also would not let this prevent me from going on another trip.
I get where you are coming from because I have done a lot of these friend group trips where we all share rooms. And while I will happily pay for my own room, I do understand some of the reasons why others don’t want to.
For one, part of hanging out ‘like we did back in college’ is being together constantly. If this is an Airbnb situation, where we can have separate bedrooms and share a living space, the problem is solved. But in a hotel, where we all can’t ‘retreat’ to our separate rooms and not hang out together – it does change the dynamic.
Maybe in a way you want, but perhaps in a way others don’t. The second main reason is cost. I can afford a room for myself. For others, it’s a big deal to spend a chunk of change on a random vacation with friends, especially when they are married and not spending that money on a vacation with their family instead.
Part of keeping the costs down for everyone is chipping in on those group rooms. So I take one for the team.
But it sounds like money is not even the real issue here, despite many of the posters trying to paint your friends as users.
They seemed willing to split the costs with you on the extra room. But they also were all fine sharing that one big room until things went haywire. I just think that as important as it is for you to have your own space, it is just as unimportant to them.
They don’t ‘get’ where you are coming from. They wanted out of that room because of stinky vomit, and can’t grasp that you wanted out because you want space.
So you got some nasty looks this time, and they feel like you let your diva flag fly.
Fine. You got it out of the way. They now know you have a diva flag and will insist on your own room. They might roll their eyes at it while planning the trip, but they will now know this fact about you.
Having them recognize your boundaries is the main battle. They don’t have to agree with them. It will get easier. This was just growing pains.” ImaginaryAnts
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, what were you supposed to do, book two rooms for yourself when the group only wanted two from the get-go?
You took on the financial burden of doing a room for yourself when they all wanted to pay 1/5 the cost.
They should be thankful that you even took 2 people in, or they would have even more people in the room.
They wanted 5 people in one room & 6 people in another initially and didn’t want to listen to you. You are nice enough to take in not 1, but 2 people – which is still more than planned/your compromise – so that they have 4 people in one room & 5 people in another room.
The only difference there would be if you did what they decided again without asking you, is that one room would have 1 less/4 people in it and you would have 1 more in with you, the savior of them all, being the uncomfortable one once again.
But then, everyone would be spread out evenly and no one would be jealous of your smaller room & your getting your own bed… Because you were right, but no one wanted to listen until it was too late.
Maybe if you still want to room with them, they will next time.
Actually, even more, concerning is that no one took your concerns into account when planning the hotel room, which is a huge red flag.
Other people’s comfort about who they are sleeping with is important. If these weren’t your friends, I’d say get a new hotel rooming group. I’d say see how they treat you if they are your friends, and what you are comfortable with before the next trip.
Because they aren’t acting very friendly right now…
ALSO, They are lucky the hotel did not kick them out without a refund for overcrowding the room before you took the 2 in, especially with the vomit and that none of you were even trying to hide it.
Many hotels state a limit on the number of people per room and will enforce it.” musingvibes
6. WIBTJ If I Confront My Boss About Disclosing My Private Medical Information?
“I have been doing k******e infusions for the last couple of months for my depression, anxiety, and BPD.
I’ve been hospitalized 4 times in the past 2.5 years just to give you an idea of the severity of the situation.
Yesterday morning my coworker (there are only 6 people total in the office including my 2 bosses) came to me to ask about my infusions as her husband suffers from PTSD.
I was a bit taken aback but she was very respectful about it. I answered her questions honestly and genuinely want to help her husband as I would anyone else struggling with mental illness.
However, the only people I ever disclosed that information to are my 2 bosses. My coworkers know I have been leaving work early for medical reasons but I have intentionally been vague with them. I guess everyone knows now.
After my first hospitalization, I made a decision to be open about my struggle because stuffing everything down was killing me. I feel more authentic and want to help advocate for better mental healthcare.
I just wish I could have had the opportunity to make that decision myself.
I have no legal recourse as I did not disclose that information to my employers under FMLA (Family and Medical Leave Act) or ADA (Americans with Disabilities) accommodations.
I was simply requesting time off for medical treatment.
WIBTJ if I confronted my boss for sharing my private medical information? At this point, what’s done is done and it could potentially cause problems for me.
EDIT: We are a mom-and-pop business so HR doesn’t really exist. The person who disclosed my information is essentially HR.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, sometimes small businesses forget that they have to abide by the law, and disclosing your personal information is against the law in the US, whether it be your medical information or something as simple as your phone number.
If you do not give your consent to share the information in writing, it is against the law. In several states, you can sue the employer for disclosing this information. It doesn’t sound like you want to go to that extreme, but a sit-down conversation is in order.
They had absolutely no right to discuss any of your personal information with anyone but you. Makes me wonder in what context this would even come up and how many people they have told.
It could impact your finding future employment if this blabber mouth discloses that information if, say, they were called as a reference.” wkendwench
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Unfortunately, unless your employer is a ‘covered entity’ (like you work for a healthcare business or your health plan is self-funded), they are not subject to HIPAA so they’ve done nothing illegal. But it’s still super trashy and you would absolutely be without your rights to go to them and say you were taken aback and concerned that they shared your private medical info and request them not to do so moving forward.
I know you’ve said everyone knows now, but there could be other details they didn’t share. And also never share anything with them in the future.” dalpaengee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ if you discuss it calmly.
Maybe you can casually work it into a conversation. And ask that co-worker why they asked you if you haven’t done so already. Maybe they can confirm where they got the hint that you had experience with that treatment.
If you can let your bosses know you would prefer they not share your details in a non-accusatory way, they should be more receptive. It could have been a mistake in which they ‘meant well.’ It’s still really wrong of them to tell anyone about your health status, but if you can talk it over calmly instead of fuming, hopefully they’ll apologize and do better.” Eleanor_Willow
5. AITJ For Telling My Partner Not To Be His Best Friend's Best Man?
“I (26F) have been with my partner (27M) for 2 years. We recently found out that we are expecting a baby, and we’re both excited about it.
He has a best friend (27M) that got engaged to his fiancée (24F) over the summer, and they plan on getting married in May. He asked my partner to be the best man (they’ve known each other since childhood).
Now here’s the conflict: the fiancée and I had a falling out last year. We used to be really close, but she pulled a complete 180 on me and went behind my back.
When I confronted her about it back then, she looked completely confused and asked what she did and how she can fix it. I wanted to believe her but I felt that she should’ve known already why I was mad at her.
My partner is still close to both his best friend and the fiancée to this day since he’s known them before meeting me. He mentioned that he could bring me to the wedding in case something happened with my pregnancy.
I told him that I wasn’t going to sit through and watch someone who betrayed me celebrate love. My partner understood that, but he told me that being the best man was very important to him.
I lost it and told him that if I’m not going to the wedding, then he shouldn’t be his best man and should prioritize me and the baby. He dropped the conversation after that.
I told some of my friends this, and they said though the pregnancy is important for him to be attentive to, I should move on from the drama and let him be there for his best friend’s big day.
I still stand firm because it’d be awkward with his fiancé if I went, and his best friend can find someone else to be his best man. AITJ?
EDIT: since I forgot to add this, people came to me and said that the fiancé talked behind my back about something very personal to me at a bonfire last year.
When I confronted her about it, she looked at me like I had no idea what I was talking about.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
This person literally asked you what they did and how they could fix it and you are mad at them because they aren’t a mind reader and don’t intuitively know exactly why you’re mad?
Did you consider that maybe your informants lied, or exaggerated, or misunderstood?
Secondly, this is your partner’s best friend from childhood. So, okay, you don’t like the woman he is marrying. You can put on your adult pants and be civil for one day so your partner can be there for his best friend.
Your partner is literally asking you to come so he can be attentive to you and your pregnancy while also being attentive to his lifelong friend. Don’t ask him to sacrifice his other important relationships.” Appropriate-Flourish
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. And hear me out, this is how it looks:
You heard a rumor she was sharing personal information. She said she wasn’t. You don’t believe her. But you ultimately have zero proof.
She was willing to fix things and you declined and are holding a grudge.
You are taking this dated, petty grudge and using it to drive a wedge between your husband and his oldest and closest friend.
I just think you are maybe immature and cannot handle not being the only person he cares about.
You are now using your pregnancy to try to control and manipulate him through guilt.
YOU are the reoccurring problem here.
You sound jealous and petty and are just holding onto all these angry feelings for something that happened a while ago, and seemingly was something minor. It sounds like this guy and his fiance are going to be in your life forever so just get over it.
Quit trying to make your partner cut ties with his friends just to prove his loyalty to you. That’s TOXIC.” Plenty_Anything8552
Another User Comments:
“So let me get this straight, you accuse this person of betraying you but say they seemed confused and were asking what they did and how they could fix the issue.
But you thought she should somehow turn into a mind reader or just straight up be psychic and just ‘know’ why you were mad. So you just took someone else’s word, never got her side of things, and just determined she betrayed you?
YTJ for that
You admit that he has known them since childhood and that this wedding is important to him. He offered for you to come to the wedding and you said no. He said ok well I’m going because again it’s IMPORTANT TO HIM, and you threw a fit, using your pregnancy to manipulate him and guilt him into not going to the wedding.
YTJ for that.
Girl, grow up. You fly off the handle over silly stuff, you act like a child when you don’t get your way, you’re mad at your friends for telling you you’re wrong so you come here thinking we would do it for you.
Nope! YOU’RE WRONG!
Stop using your pregnancy to gain sympathy for being a jerk. Stop using your pregnancy to try and get your way and manipulate people. Your attitude is very off-putting. Better check yourself before it causes problems in your relationship.
And if I wasn’t clear enough, YTJ!” tekwayyuhself
4. AITJ For Having Our Wedding Party At A Gay Bar?
“I (28M) and my husband (30M) were both raised by single moms and we met while we were in high school via our moms (they were in the same mom group of volunteers in our school).
We fell in love at our school and we have been together since we were 15 so we are definitely a high school romance.
We were planning to get married in the Summer of 2020 but thanks to the world, we managed to get married in 2021 Summer.
Both of our moms survived cancer in the last 2 years so we also decided to have this celebration about them as well. They were always wondering about gay bars and strip clubs but they never had the opportunity to bring them to a gay bar so we decided to honor their request and have the post-wedding party at one of the wildest gay bars in London.
They really liked the idea and we invited everyone who was invited to our wedding.
This caused a tremendous amount of commotion and we got calls from every family member saying we were triggering our substance-dependent relatives.
Both of our families have generations of heavy drinkers and they don’t drink. We said ‘Not our problem.’ and moved with the original plan. This resulted in no one from our extended families coming to the ceremony and the party.
Luckily all of our friends and our moms made enough crowd and our mothers had a great night so I wouldn’t change it one bit but I can not stop but feel guilty. Both of our families had very severe problems due to drinking problems, our dads were also heavy drinkers and they have very severe traumas about it and we might have been jerks.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Too often weddings are events that people feel entitled to attend even if they’re not an active part of your life. It’s not worth pandering to these people.
It’s your day, it should be what you want and if people are uncomfortable then it is possible for them to be graceful in their nonattendance. It sounds like they chose a different path and it seems like there’s absolutely no reason they couldn’t have attended during the day and left early.
Gay bar or not, pretty much every wedding I have attended had a bar.” gingerbread85
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It is your wedding party. If the members that are recovering heavy drinkers didn’t feel they would be comfortable in a bar setting.
It’s perfectly understandable that they didn’t come. But the calls from the people trying to guilt trip you into changing your plans. They’re the jerks. I can’t stand that kind of manipulative behavior.” The_Void33
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Having 1, 10, or 100 family members staying sober doesn’t ban you from never having a party with booze, and it’s not like the entire event was taking place there. Anyone who chooses to avoid the ceremony completely solely because a separate future event also has booze is just being selfish.
Plus, I wouldn’t be remotely surprised if substance dependence was an excuse to cover homophobia… Have other family members also had completely dry weddings to accommodate this or is it a new thing?
You had the choice to accommodate them by making the bar party a separate thing from the reception, they had the choice to just duck out after the ceremony.
Instead of adapting the situation to cover their needs, they demanded you adapt for them.” ChaoticNeutralDragon
3. AITJ For Letting My Son's Partner Stay The Night?
“My son has a partner (E). I’m a divorced dad and his mother isn’t supportive of the LGTBQ+. She still loves him but is in denial. He still loves her too and is trying to give her a chance to change.
Anyways, his mother never lets him spend time with E, at all. So, since we do it every other week, I let him spend time with him as much as he wants. I’ll drop them off on dates and make/buy them a lot of snacks for movie marathons.
It just makes me so happy to see them together, my son is always smiling and happy with him around.
The other night, they started to watch the entire MCU, it was getting late and they still hadn’t finished, as there were like 30 movies plus the tv shows.
My son asked if E could stay the night, I was hesitant at first, but he gave me puppy eyes and swore up and down they’d stay in the living room. It took me a while, but I finally decided to say yes and they made a pallet on the floor.
In the morning, before they continued their binge, my son privately swore that nothing happened. I trusted him.
The next week comes and it’s his mom’s week. He slipped up and accidentally mentioned the sleepover.
She called me while I was working and chewed me out, I calmly explained that I trusted them and I didn’t see a problem with it. I told her to be more accepting of him but she hung up on me.
My son called me after and said his mom wants him to break up with E. I called her back and chewed her out, and she yelled back at me. My son hasn’t broken up with E and I told him not to, but he’s still very upset and his mother is mad at me.
I feel bad because I feel like I caused all this, but I was just trying to make my son happy. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, as a bi-woman, I wish my parents were this accepting.
I did come out to my mom but my dad is so homophobic I really think he would disown me.
I think it’s extremely healthy that you’re fostering this open relationship with your son.
As someone who grew up with traditional thinking parents who were so strict we had to lie and be secretive, it’s awesome what you’re doing.
As long as you teach him proper LGBTQ+ lessons and provide protection and ensure he can come to you with any questions, I think it should be fine.
Your ex-wife on the other hand is very immature and should definitely seek therapy. To make your gay son break up with their partner just because you don’t agree with it won’t change his identity!
Gender is not a choice! But I’m glad he at least has you to count on and trust me, I believe he appreciates that more than you’ll ever know.
I saw other people saying to treat your son as though he’s with a girl, but at the same time being super strict and distant from your kid results in a sneaky and secretive kid.
I think set healthy boundaries of course, but definitely keep up the support you give him.” anxiety_penguim
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Here’s why:
What you did for your son, while kind, would make any parent uncomfortable.
As a member of the lgbtq+ community, I think it is your responsibility as a parent to treat your child and his partner like you would if he were straight and his mother simply did not like his partner.
You owe it to your kid to make his identity feel normal, and with that comes not treating him differently than a straight child.
Part of a parent is imparting fair, yet stern boundaries.
Part of being divorced is co-parenting.
While your ex-wife isn’t supportive, being in denial isn’t the same as being bigoted. Much of people’s problem with conceptualizing these identities is ignorance, not hate.
You crossed a boundary in that you let your young teenage son have his significant other sleepover. It is kind to let your son take advantage of spending time with his significant other, but your ex-wife is well within her means to be uncomfortable that you let his partner stay over without so much as a conversation or heads up.
Your ex, however, needs to get over herself. The most important thing your son needs right now in his journey as a young, gay man is support. She is totally wrong in pressuring your son to break up with his partner as a result of this.
However, knowing she is unaccepting/in denial, this allowance of yours might have pushed her to react with malice. We also don’t know the details of what was said by either party, was your ex upset about the sleepover?
Or more so about your son seeing the boy at all?” infelixSomnia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You sound like a good dad. You supervised and checked in, your son seems happy and adjusted and I’m guessing you get on with the guy too.
There’s not much else to be done to police a young relationship like this and you’ve created a safe relationship with your son so he can disclose to you and he can see you’re on his side if you need to ask him anything too – that’s a good parent.
Tell your son it’s up to him if he wants to stay with the boy or not and he is not doing anything wrong. His mother means well, but as he knows, needs a lot of time to adjust.
It would be prudent to tell your son to tread lightly around her and stand up for him when you need to as well. Keep reiterating that you’re his advocate while his mum’s sorting herself out.
Do have safe intercourse and healthy relationships talk with him at some point as well soon. Sleepovers in particular can lead to a lot more than intended especially at their age so make it a priority as you would if he was with a 13-year-old girl.” PetiteGardener144
Another User Comments:
“It’s great that you support your son, but YTJ.
You don’t get to unilaterally make major parenting decisions. Letting your kid’s SO sleepover is big deal and should have been discussed with his mom.
You give in to ‘puppy dog eyes’ over candy, not something like this. You didn’t even supervise or make them sleep in separate spaces. None of you were surprised that you couldn’t watch the entire MCU in one night.
You’re either being lazy or trying to be the cool parent. Not enforcing boundaries doesn’t make you cool. Be the dad.
The line where you mention he ‘accidentally mentioned the sleepover’ implies that you encourage your son to keep things from his mom.
I get that this is a special situation in that she is unsupportive of him being gay, but you still shouldn’t have him keeping secrets. Encourage him to talk to her, revisit custody, and look into counseling.
Something. This is not a great dynamic that you are facilitating here.
Most of us do trust our kids, but anyone that knows anything about teens knows they are not making their best decisions at this age.
Their frontal lobes aren’t even fully developed. You have to be the voice of reason. You didn’t let him have a sleepover after careful deliberation and boundary setting. You let him have a sleepover because he was too cute to say no to at the moment.
Have you even discussed consent, safe intercourse, etc with him? You also know his other parent would not be on board with this, but went ahead anyway. What are you teaching him about respecting her?
You look like the good guy here because of her homophobia, but you are being a terrible co-parent. What about the other kid’s parents? Were they consulted?” Friendly_Shelter_625
2. AITJ For Commenting On My Stepdaughter's Opinion About Not Having Children?
“I don’t think there is anything wrong with not having children. I don’t care at all if she has them or not, and I don’t think anyone even needs a reason. It should be totally acceptable to just not want them.
I have a stepdaughter who I will call Isabel. I married her dad when she was 13 and my bio daughter Claire was 12. Isabel clearly was not happy and wanted nothing to do with us.
I struggled a lot because the more I tried with her the angrier she got, but then when I left her alone, I worried I was excluding her. Isabel and Clarie hated each other, and I was constantly refereeing that.
My husband saw very little problem with this and said it is just how she is.
Isabel moved out at 18 and didn’t come home for summers or vacations. She would talk to her dad on the phone but kept a huge distance.
Claire got engaged recently and we threw an engagement party. Isabel came because her dad guilted her, which was maybe not the best choice, but he is fed up with how much she avoids everyone.
During the party I heard Isabel talking to her MIL (Isabel’s husband is out of town and she demanded to have a plus one) Isabel said that she wants kids but is too scared to take the plunge, because what if she ever divorced her husband?
She said she can’t imagine it happening, but she knows if it did she would not be ok with being single, and ‘forcing a kid into a blended family is just wrong’. She said she feels guilty even having kids if there is even a 1% possibility, they could end up living with ‘strangers’, and then she told her MIL that she felt like she never had a home or a family and couldn’t wait to get out at 18.
I just saw red because I did everything I could to make it feel like she had a family, and it seems insensitive to say she didn’t have a home when thousands of kids actually don’t have homes.
I approached Isabel and said I heard what she said and I’m sorry if she feels that way, but she isn’t going to say that in our house when it is totally unfair, and if she really feels that way maybe she should see someone because it isn’t normal at her age.
Isabel said she was leaving and stormed off and my husband is furious and feels that I hurt his relationship with his daughter.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You pushed to have a relationship with her, and you said it yourself: the more you pushed, the angrier she got.
You wanted this ‘blended family’ to be a family. You and your husband chose to get married. Your stepdaughter never wanted nor asked to be included in YOUR family.
You invaded her life and her home when she wanted nothing to do with you.
You are a stranger to her and always will be. The fact that you married her father did not make you an instant family where everybody loves everybody.
She already had a family. She didn’t need nor want more.
It’s her truth and her reality and you can’t deny her that because it makes you mad that you failed to have your perfect blended family.” Primary-Criticism929
Another User Comments:
“She was speaking to another person about her feelings.
She felt she didn’t have a home, and she felt like she wasn’t included.
I’m not saying you didn’t do things to help alleviate that, but I’m saying your actions made no difference to her.
I think it’s great that you tried, and I’m sorry it didn’t work out how you had hoped, but what it comes down to is that those are her feelings. Did you give her therapy when she was younger and the new family integration was proving to be stressful for her?
The best thing to do would have been to get some outside help while she was still young and in through her teenage years.
That said… it doesn’t matter anymore. You also feel a certain way… but that’s none of her business and doesn’t matter to her.
You can both feel the way you do and understand that life didn’t happen the way you both wanted it to. She has her reasons for not having kids, and those are valid. You took full blame for her reasoning… but it has nothing to do with you.
It has everything to do with her feelings… so you got angry and said something, which I personally feel is out of line… again, she can have her feelings, just as you can have yours.
She wasn’t talking to you, she wasn’t complaining to you… you should have walked away… maybe even seek some help out for yourself. I’m sure you feel you ‘wasted’ time and energy and resources… I’m sure it makes you angry, and that’s okay.
But I feel like you both need to deal with your emotions… separately. Sorry, I’m going for YTJ.” online_anomie
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s not normal. It’s perfectly normal to not feel you belong in a home when you don’t feel like your stepmom is your mom, the stepsister is a sister, or that your dad is actually doing the basics to be your dad first and foremost. It felt like she was intruding on someone else’s life and family, and she felt displaced.
It was not on you, but on your husband, to help her adjust. The fact he didn’t and when she didn’t get over it he started to force her to interact with his family shows who is the one at fault.
Your husband, her dad, simply found another family and said ‘there, you have a new mom, it’s on you to feel like family’.
You became the jerk when you listened in and confronted her, throwing her out of a house she does not want to be in after she was guilted into going to a party she didn’t want to be at and play happy family with people who are not her family.
She has all the right to feel this way and it’s a valid reason to not want to have kids. She is afraid they will go through all the displacement she felt. You just validated that.
I really hope your stepdaughter takes this gift you gave her and goes no contact with her father especially.” Quicksilver1964
1. AITJ For Telling The Applicant She Won't Get The Job?
“I’m an assistant general manager in a hotel. I handle most of the hiring process for the front desk. We have a position open for a front desk agent, and I received several applications.
I phone screen all of them and specifically ask about open availability. As a hotel, we are open 24/7 and a week’s shifts usually consist of some mornings, some evenings, and often on weekends. Even I do this type of schedule, and I’m the assistant general manager.
Anyways, this girl applies, just recently got a credential in hotel management, so sounds like a good candidate. I phone screen her and there are no red flags (such as not having open availability).
Yesterday, she called the front desk and told the agent that she wanted to confirm the interview time and ‘by the way, I can only work morning shifts.’ I was not in the office that day, and her interview was today, so I feel I had no choice but to go on with the interview (if I had been in the office that day and taken the call, I probably would have told her my concerns then).
So, I went forward with the interview.
I interview her, and she’s OK. No hotel experience, but eager to learn and pretty good personality. But I knew she was not going to get an offer due to her inability to work evening shifts, and then the problems that would create with other team members if she started getting privileges others were not, and so on.
I said to her, ‘Thank you for your time and for coming in today; I appreciate your interest in the position. However, we are searching for a candidate who will be able to work a flexible schedule.
I realize this is not possible for everyone, and I understand if our schedule would not meet your needs. I think you would do very well in a company that is more flexible with your needs, but it is just not within our ability to provide a set schedule.
If your availability changes in the future, we can certainly revisit your interest in another application.’
She got defensive but not upset, saying ‘Why did you have me come in?’ etc, and I really didn’t have a good answer, because like I said but for the reason I had been off that day, I would have told her over the phone that maybe we were not a good fit for each other.
I feel like AITJ because I could have just given her a standard ‘thank you for your time, you’ll be hearing from us’ response and let her know through our recruiter that we were not moving forward.
However, I wanted to give her feedback as to why she was not a good fit so that she knows it was not necessarily how she did, but that she did not fulfill the basic requirements of the job (which she said she could do, and then later changed the day before)”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Based on an assumption that availability was discussed in the phone screening, you did nothing wrong – she hid the relevant information and you did not discover it until it was too late to cancel the interview.
The fault here sits with the person that hid information hoping it would be overlooked once she reached the interview stage.
If availability and shifts were not discussed during the phone screening or mentioned in your job advert, then I would consider you at fault for wasting her time.” nrsys
Another User Comments:
“YTJ a little. She specifically called to clarify her availability so it’s understandable she was upset after being specifically rejected for her availability. You’re not a jerk for being unable to call her ahead of time, but you are borderline for seeming to not understand why she was upset.
She was considerate enough to call days earlier to reclarify her availability so as not to waste your time, but by having her come in and sit for the interview you wasted her time.
Also, I don’t know if you set a policy, but only hiring people who can work completely open availability severely limits your ability to hire good workers. You might want to rethink that strategy.” Gummy_yumyum
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she initially said she was flexible with the schedule, but changed her story at the last minute. She might have changed her story again during the interview. Maybe if she knew how serious the schedule issue was, she might have said she could deal with it.
Based on her reaction, you dodged a bullet. Even if she felt you wasted her time, the mature response would have been ‘thanks for your time’ and a calm exit. (It is my personal feeling that any interview is an opportunity to practice your interviewing skills)
If she was told in the phone screening that she would be required to work a variety of shifts, she should have said that wasn’t an option for her. So, really, she wasted your time.
Also, I don’t even work in the hotel industry, but I would assume nights and weekends would be required for just about every position.” sawta2112
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. If I took time off my job to go to a job interview that I had been stressing over for days, only to be told at the end of it that the manager already knew before the interview that I wouldn’t be hired, I would be pretty ticked off.
I would much prefer a phone call on the day of the interview than being made to jump through all those hoops for nothing. It demonstrates a lack of respect for her time and the effort she took to prepare for the interview.
On the other hand, being wishy-washy about your availability is not a very professional move. Who knows, maybe she thought that she could work full-time and then something else came up, or maybe she misunderstood the availability requirements.
Either way, I don’t blame you for feeling put off by that, and I don’t think you were wrong to let her know. I just think that you should have done so before she came all that way to talk to you.” YourLocalBi
