People Ask Us If We Resent Them With Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
20. AITJ For Not Following My Friend's Religious Beliefs?
“My (16f) friend Raina (16f) is religious, I am an atheist. This has never affected our friendship thus far, because it never really mattered.
Last night, I went to her house for supper for the first time ever. (We have been friends for 7 years we just somehow never had supper at each other’s houses before). I knew that Raina and her family prayed before every meal, but I never have.
When we sat down to eat supper, her family prayed (obviously) but I just kinda sat there until they finished.
Everyone acted fine with that, but after the meal, I went to Raina’s room with her and she got angry.
She said in her house, you have to pray before eating and I was really disrespectful. I asked her why it was disrespectful, and she said it was like I threw her beliefs aside and just sat there doing nothing, and I was ‘supposed’ to pray with her family, even if I didn’t believe the same thing.
I asked her if she had gone to my house, and if was she not going to pray because my family didn’t, she said she would still but it wasn’t the same thing. So maybe I was a jerk, she seems really offended and isn’t speaking to me since after I left. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sitting quietly while others do their religious observance is the respectful thing to do. Her trying to make you pray is an infringement of your beliefs and is disrespectful. If she’s going to be tyrannical with her beliefs, perhaps not talking to you is doing you a favor.” International-Aside
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it’s hypocritical to say at my house we have to follow my beliefs, but at your house, we don’t have to follow your beliefs.
Sitting in silence while they do their thing is being respectful.
Trying to force your beliefs into others isn’t.” Ok_Job_9417
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, forcing someone else to conform and pray like she tried though is. You’re not a believer, what would you even be doing? Sitting there and not interrupting is a fine response.
While you’re an atheist, I wonder what she would do if someone came over who was of a religion other than hers.” ThrowAwayJudge810
19. AITJ For Ordering Nachos?
“My brother-in-law is 32 (wife and I are 25) and while I don’t doubt that some of his issues are real (autism, ADHD, set point obesity) it is my distinct impression that he exploits people’s perception of these things to be a controlling jerk.
In the family saying such things is completely forbidden, however.
We offered to take my MIL and FIL out for Easter dinner so no one has to cook. The timing offered was strategic since we knew BIL Had planned on watching TikTok live stream of some 19-year-old influencer who is blowing up right now—but I guess either he got the time wrong or she canceled early so my heart sank when he was coming along because I knew there was going to be drama.
We went to a place famous for bar food and I ordered nachos. My wife begged me to order something else but she wasn’t direct with me about the problem and I didn’t get her hints. As soon as I took my first bite of nachos my BIL started shrieking like a child and throwing a little tantrum that her crunches were ‘killing him’ and he’s going to lose it because black olives don’t belong on nachos because they are from Spain, not Mexico. My wife, MIL, and FIL told me I really screwed up and that I was making him uncomfortable.
In a moment of pure honesty, I told them that the list of ‘not allowed’ things around Brian is so long and tucking ridiculous that I can’t keep up. My wife said she tried to tell me. I said no you didn’t tell me, you stayed silent like we do every time this creep ruins a family function.
BIL, FIL, and MIL got up and left leaving us with the bill and, needless to say, things between me and my wife have been tense ever since and we really haven’t spoken.
I am absolutely the jerk for my choice of words after he freaked out and I get that but I also think things needed to be said.
But my question is am I the jerk for ordering the nachos? My wife says I should have known since she’s sure she’s told me and I had to have noticed that they never have chips around because his misophonia can’t handle the crunch.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I get that sensory issues are very troubling for people on the spectrum but by the age of 32 and seemingly high functioning, these are things that should be known and ways to diffuse the situation should be planned for.
The fact that nobody shot down your order point blank, knowing what was going to happen, is a failure on their part to adhere to the needs of their family member and setting you both up for failure.
Sure, you didn’t respond the best way but they also seemingly came out to you with intense blame and strong feelings about you purposely trying to disrupt the situation which I gather wasn’t your intention at all.
I get being frustrated by the situation but putting the responsibility solely on you isn’t justified. It was just a crappy situation and the result should have been learning better ways to communicate about these things than placing blame.” JennHatesYou
Another User Comments:
“Yes, you could have responded better in the heat of the moment. You were already simmering with realizing he was coming when you thought he wouldn’t be coming.
Your wife and family need to be specific if things are being ordered that shouldn’t be, her saying she tried isn’t good enough, it’s like she was trying to not mention it because it might upset BIL.
He can’t have foods that he can’t be around, as well as be upset if they get ordered because he doesn’t speak up if his family doesn’t.
I would apologize for what you said and how you said it, but the family needs to come up with some alternatives.
Also., they shouldn’t assume you remember the list.
Being around other dinners, they could order food that triggers him and what’s the plan for that? Maybe he brings earplugs and headphones? Look at the menu before and if it seems like there is too much in the no category, he doesn’t go and you bring something home or the family takes about what is preferred.
NTJ – your wife or someone else should have spoken up before you ordered.” travelkmac
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If his misophonia is so extreme, he should not be in a restaurant without noise-cancelling headphones. It’s not like they can make an entire only offer soft foods.
But play the long game. Apologize & make nice. Plan a nice night out to dinner with FIL & MIL. When they try to include BIL point out that with his extreme misophonia, it would be really cruel to put BIL in the position to listen to all those people chewing & crunching and you just can’t stand putting BIL in such a stressful & unpleasant position.
You don’t want to put him in that position so you’ll bring him back some non-crunchy takeout that he can enjoy alone in comfort.” KindlyCelebration223
18. AITJ For Expecting My Sister To Pay To Repair The Robe She Ruined?
“My (19F) friend does sewing as a hobby and side gig, and she makes stuff for friends all the time. She made me this really awesome custom satin robe. It’s great, floor length, it has a hood, and it even has these gloves attached that you can slide your hands out of if you need to.
I love it and wear it to lounge around in all the time. My friend only charges for materials for friends, so it was only like $50 which is an absolute steal.
My sister (16F) is half a foot taller than me, so even though we’re the same build we can’t really wear each other’s stuff.
Well, I got home from class the other day, and the robe was ruined. The gloves were torn off, the hood was ripped, and the fabric was all stretched out. I took it to my friend to see if she could fix it, and unfortunately, it was beyond saving.
I’m mad beyond belief, I’m not sure whether or not she destroyed it on purpose or just thought she could fit in it because it was so messed up. My friend was happy to make another one the exact way for the same price, which my sister only agreed to pay after our parents made her.
The issue is that my friend still needs to put the work in because of that, and I think it’s fair she covers at least another $50 for it.
She won’t and I’m not talking to her until she does. Our parents think this is just some sister fight and want me to let it go since they grounded her and made her pay.
I don’t think that’s fair, and think my sister needs to learn not to screw with my stuff.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – this doesn’t sound like accidental damage AT ALL. Your sister needs to understand there are consequences to trashing the personal belongings of other people, even if they are family.
I’d die on this hill, OP – this is a fair price for an item and your friend’s time. Your parents can decide how or if they choose to punish your sister, but you’re an adult and have the privilege of deciding how much time to spend with her going forward if she continues to show this kind of disrespect.” Emotional_Koala_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are right. Your friend is being super kind to only charge you what you were charged the first time. But that’s your friend being kind to YOU.
Your parents should have looked at the situation and realized that this isn’t the same thing as your friend making the first robe for you.
This is your friend being asked to compensate, with their time and energy, and setting aside their other projects to do this one, for your sister’s vandalism of your belongings. Your parents ought to see that your friend ought to be fairly compensated for fixing the problem your sister caused, not just paid the Friend Rate.
Your sister’s not your friend’s friend. This issue is only being handled because of your sister, not you. Your friend is spending extra time, extra energy, and should be compensated, not taken advantage of.
You are right. You are thinking of your friend here, which others don’t seem to be able to do.” blueberryyogurtcup
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’d say you should ask your friend how much time it took her to make it including the time to gather the supplies. Then when you complain to your parents that she owes your friend more for making her recreate something because she was disrespectful of your property, you actually have a number.
Getting an average pay rate for seamstresses in your area would also help. I think they’ll see that $50 more is actually incredibly cheap.
Also, I’m pretty sure your sister ruined it deliberately. That much destruction is not easy. Seriously. If you still have the remains, try to destroy and stretch out part of it to see how much force it took.
If I’m right that’s another thing you can point out to your parents.” Office_Desk906
17. AITJ For Blaming My Mother-In-Law For Her Being Abandoned By Her Family?
“My husband and I’ve been married for 6 years, at least five of those have been almost no contact with his mother. I don’t know the whole story, but his dad passed away when he was young, and his mom remarried a man who was horribly abusive to him up until he moved out.
He tried to tell his mother for years, but she just wouldn’t believe it. It got to the point that for his own well-being, he just couldn’t be around her anymore.
This week, after years of silence, she shows up at our doorstep.
She said she’d tried to call, but we have her blocked, so obviously, it didn’t go through. She was in tears and started crying about how her husband had trashed her house and left her, and she realized her son was telling the truth, how she didn’t have anyone, all that crap.
She begged to talk to my husband.
I said that she had some balls coming to our house to cry after throwing her son to the side for a disgusting predator until that stopped working for her. I said she made her bed, now is the time to lay in it, and it wasn’t going to be in my house.
She was almost hysterical when she left. Her coming to the door put my husband in a panic attack, he’s been too depressed to get out of bed since.
I really don’t care for that woman, but when I replay it in my head I feel absolutely terrible.
Berating someone in tears never feels good, and now I think I might’ve just made things worse. Should I have done something different? Was that a jerk move?”
Another User Comments:
“‘She was in tears and started crying about how her husband had trashed her house and left her, and she realized her son was telling the truth, how she didn’t have anyone, all that crap.’
Look at what she said.
It’s not about how she’s so sorry for what SHE DID to your husband by enabling his behavior. It’s not about how your husband suffered as a result of her choices. It’s not about respecting that she hurt him and won’t make demands on him for what she wants, because she knows she lost that right years ago.
It’s not about him at all. All she throws out there for him is that she now realizes he was telling the truth. So, she thought he was lying, all those years? And the only thing that makes her ‘realize’ is when it happens to her.
Nope. This is more manipulation, meant to make you two think she never knew before, that she was innocent.
What’s missing is anything real about her son. It’s all about her.
Her house got trashed.
SHE got left. Does that mean she doesn’t have his income paying her way now?
Or helping to pay her way? Does that mean the house was his and she’s getting kicked out? Does it mean she doesn’t have anyone to talk to and provoke into being angry?
Doesn’t matter., The point is, she’s upset because he’s gone.
For whatever reason, she’s missing him, or what his presence gave her.
She’s upset that she doesn’t have anyone. But her behavior pushed people away. She didn’t go out and get involved in things and make friends. That’s on her.
The current situation is the result of her behaviors and her choices. She tried to play you, manipulate you, and get you to join her Pity Party and become her new support system.
All you did was protect your home and your Best Beloved from a person that allowed mistreatment for years.
All you did was tell her that her current situation is the consequence of her own choices. Could you have crafted a polite speech that said the same thing? Sure, if you had had advance warning of this emotional and verbal attack about to happen to you, and time enough to write out a rough draft, edit it, edit it again, and then read it out.
But you were ‘boots on the ground’ and did the best you could under IMMENSE pressure.
Give yourself a gift here; you did very well indeed, for the circumstances. You did the best you could in a bad situation. This wasn’t your fault.
The woman had your address. That means she could have written a letter. She didn’t. She didn’t ask first, by letter, if it was okay to meet up someday, somehow. She did an ambush because this was about her wants, her feelings, and her trying to get something from the two of you.
‘She was almost hysterical when she left.’
Not surprised. She’d worked up her tears to manipulate you, and that tactic didn’t work for her. She left without getting what she wanted from you two. Now, she’s got to try something else, and she’s probably already tried everything else on her list of manipulations.
Bet you a donut she wasn’t hysterical by the time she got out of sight and hearing, but angry.
If she was really sorry, her words wouldn’t have been mostly about herself, and her feelings, her wants, her needs, her tragedies and her trying to make you feel obligated and guilty for not immediately putting her on a pedestal and catering to her to make her feel better.
You did the right thing. You protected your spouse and your home, and you got rid of the threat and made sure that she knew not to try this again. Sometimes, you can’t pull off perfectly without a script. Sometimes, you do what you can, at the moment.
Focus on recuperating from this. If your husband needs extra therapy sessions to process and cope with this, help set them up. If you need some therapy, set it up. And/Or get the book Emotional Vampires and read it.
It’s short, and to the point, that your priority is to protect yourself and your home/family, not to give the vampires what they want from you.
NTJ. You did the right thing.” blueberryyogurtcup
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Look where you’re husband is.
And that’s just from her coming to the door. Imagine how bad it would be if she came in.
You don’t owe her help or compassion. She had none for your husband. There’s no way she didn’t know what her husband was like.
She just decided it wasn’t a problem. She decided it was acceptable because it didn’t hurt her. It’s suddenly important because it hurt her and she instantly wants it to go away. Your husband didn’t have that luxury.
More than that, her husband left. She’s not in danger.
Nothing more will happen to her except she will have to clean her house and cry through her divorce. She hasn’t had anyone for years, it’s too bad that it is a problem now.
Maybe someday there will be some sort of healing, but she’s going to have to work for that.
She’s going to have to earn it.” ArchyDWolf
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Because at the end of the day, sure, you could have not rubbed it in. You could have been kinder, perhaps. But I don’t know that’s the case – if you had put on a happy face and been kind while you were trying to get her to leave, she might have tried to push past you, she might have stuck around longer, she might have tried a bunch of things, and getting her to leave quickly, even if you were ‘cruel’ to do so, keeping your husband safe.
But she came to your door expecting your husband (and you) to help her. After she refused to help her own child for years on end. After she allowed him to be traumatized so severely that the sight of her makes him panic and leaves him bedridden (and given your use of ‘disgusting predator’, I have an inkling of what she allowed).
The odds of him finally breaking character and attacking her being the moment she finally realized your husband was telling the truth are… exceptionally slim. For the last five years, she never asked ‘Maybe he was telling the truth all along and that’s why he wants nothing to do with me?’ Sorry, but I don’t believe MIL is owed.
OP, I’m glad you stood up for your husband. Someone has to because your MIL surely won’t.” tinysydneh
16. AITJ For Getting Compliments For My Hair?
“I (19f) have very wavy hair that is helpful for when trends are happening and it’s easy to change it. Right now what most people are doing is a wolf cut or layers.
I recently decided to get layers and highlights as I wanted something new and it looked great.
I got many compliments from other people except for one of my friends ‘Stacey’ (19f).
When she saw me she didn’t talk to me for a while and I was obviously confused but I stopped trying to interact with her because she wasn’t trying.
A few days ago I saw her wearing a hat which is unusual as she never wears hats and some of our mutual friends told me that she went to a bad hairdresser and they ruined her hair (the layers were choppy and uneven and the highlights were either too dark or too light, I can’t remember).
But she was also telling our friends that I convinced her to cut her hair and now many people don’t like me because they think I set her up.
I messaged her and asked why she told people that and she responded by saying that if I didn’t cut my hair and acted like an ‘attention seeker’ she never would have cut her hair either.
Then she blocked me.
A few of my friends believe me but there’s a handful that doesn’t like me anymore, so AITJ for getting a better haircut than my friend?”
Another User Comments:
“Stacey is not a friend.
First, she was going to copy you. Nothing too bad there if it’s not too common, could even be considered flattering.
But then when it went wrong, she twisted it and straight up lied to blame you. Yikes.
This girl wants to be you, and she hates you for it.
Stay far away, don’t let her draw you into her drama.
If anyone asks what’s going on, play dumb; ‘I don’t know why she’s upset exactly, I guess she liked my haircut but got a crappy stylist. I’d have been happy to tell her who I went to but she never talked to me about it.’ Then shrug and change the topic.
NTJ” monsteramoons
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you honestly need to not be friends with Stacy. She showed you who she was and trust me, when you get older you’ll see very clearly just how freaking weird her behavior was.
Essentially she saw you, and was jealous of the comments you were getting so decided to copy your haircut, got a bad cut, and then made up a story about how you were to blame because people complimenting you convinced her she needed the haircut too….
that’s weird.
The people who are mad at you are either followers or don’t know the full story. If you care to tell them make it clear what happened and then make it clear you don’t have time for that kind of weird behavior and you’re moving on.” Standard-Edge2011
Another User Comments:
“Uh, NO. If I get my nails done to match a trend, and someone else tries to get something similar, but the nail tech messes it up, is it my fault?
NTJ. Stacy is being a jerk.
Straight up. She’s jealous and instead of dealing with it like a mature person, she has found the most childish way to approach her ‘problem’ by making you the villain.
And now you know who your true friends are. People with common sense who know you well (and know that you wouldn’t rub a freaking hairstyle into someone else’s face) will know that Stacy is being ridiculous.
Those who don’t either do not know or like you as well as you thought or are just as ridiculous as Stacy.” Cute-Branch-2751
15. AITJ For Telling My Wife The Truth About Her Illness?
“My (48) Wife (51) was diagnosed with cancer in December. The oncologist’s first words were ‘This is an incurable diagnosis’ and ‘The rest of your life will be palliative’.
Obviously, we were upset. We celebrated our 20th anniversary last October and have 2 kids (14M,16F). Since the diagnosis, the doctors have prescribed an aggressive chemo plan that she has endured surprisingly well. After the first set of scans following the initial scans, there was an overall reduction in tumor sizes everywhere as seen on a CT scan.
The doctor is concerned about another area and wanted a PET scan performed in 2 months.
During this time I run into a buddy of mine from college who is an oncologist. I gave him the information and he told me that most likely I can count on three years, but survival is highly unlikely.
Every time I asked him ‘What about these success stories my wife is reading online?’ His response ‘Be careful most people don’t have a good handle on their diagnosis and tend to make them worse than they were’ (this actually happened last week a colleague reached out saying she was a stage 4 survivor, but she was not stage 4).
During this time my wife continues to remain unbelievably positive to the point that she had me convinced she was going to beat this diagnosis (Note: It’s very rare that anyone beats this – I will not go into specifics because ‘everyone knows someone’ and most are not comparable).
She continues to consume positive stories of success and keeps telling me ‘This isn’t taking me out’. Yesterday she goes for chemo and sees the doctor before the infusion begins. Prior to leaving the house, I ask her if it was ok if I speak with the doctor alone.
She’s apprehensive and asks why. I said because I want answers to tough questions, many that she is ignoring (survival instinct?). I want answers because I feel I need to prepare my kids for her impending demise. She texts her friend for advice about this and her friend was neutral and told her it was up to her.
She gave me consent to speak with the doctor alone.
We meet with the doctor prior to the infusion as usual and my wife informs the doctor that I’d like to speak to him alone. He verifies with her that this is ok and she goes on to infusion.
I talk with the doctor for about 40 minutes. He is the third oncologist that has now told me that the diagnosis remains ‘incurable’ and ‘palliative’. That time involved lots of information regarding b***d work, kids, quality of life, etc, but the diagnosis is the important part.
I leave the office and head to see my wife. She asks me what we talked about. At first, I refused to tell her and say I don’t want to share. I gave her three ‘Are you sure?’ to which she replied yes to all.
I told her she wouldn’t want to hear it, but she insisted. So I told her… She replied by saying ‘I refuse to accept that’. Now everyone is questioning my decision to divulge the information.
So, AITJ for telling my wife the hard truth?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – You’re both trying to do the best you can to deal with a difficult situation. You’re trying to keep realistic and get all of the facts, she’s trying to stay positive.
Bear in mind that staying positive is not necessarily being stupid or ignorant – positive thinking can be a huge factor in your health and maybe a large part of what is helping your wife to get through this.
If she was defeatist, she might not have lasted as long or might have been less able to enjoy the limited time she has left.
Likewise, you’re right to want to be prepared with the facts – you’re not only going to be with her during this difficult journey, but you’re also going to need to prepare for everything that comes after, including ensuring your kids are all taking everything well enough.
I think both of you are approaching this as best you can. As for telling her… well, she did ask and kept insisting. It would have been a jerk move to hide it from her at that point. However, even if you disagree with her positive outlook, you can still support her in her positive outlook – it’s what’s giving her a sense of purpose right now, so be careful not to take that from her.
You will want to make sure that affairs are in order ‘just in case’, of course. But if she insists on moving forward with the mindset of ‘I’m surviving this’, then let her have that.” CaspianX2
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to have to go with ‘no jerks here’.
OP, I think you are smart to get the real deal from her doc – you have kids and a shared life, and you should know what you need to prepare for. Your wife asked to hear what you learned, you gave her a few opps to not hear it, and she opted to hear it.
From what it sounds like, you just told her what you learned, and didn’t share any opinions of yours. That’s not a jerk move.
But your wife certainly isn’t a jerk for wanting to be positive. As a mom myself, it would take me a really, really, really long time to come to terms with the thought of leaving my kids.
I’m getting emotional just thinking about it now. The bombshell diagnosis and the aggressive treatment have undoubtedly been really hard for her. Let her be positive – it may be all she has.
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this – sending good vibes to all of you.” wonderingafew888
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
She did ask you what you had talked about with the doctor. I think if she hadn’t asked, you shouldn’t have told her, but since she kept asking it’s another story. I get wanting to prepare your kids.
That maybe could have been a conversation you had with your kids about the real state of your wife, and she could have kept her positive outlook. You really need that sometimes in her position. I get that from the outside and as the other person it’s really painful, but sometimes she needs that.
I don’t think you did anything wrong by telling her after she asked so many times. It’s a tricky situation.” wwmoxie
14. AITJ For Feeling Like A Servant In My Own Parents' House?
“I’m an 18-year-old student from Germany, who gets to graduate this year. I live with four other persons, my Mother, my stepdad, and two younger siblings (f, 4, and M, 2). Even though they’re just my half-siblings, I do love them with all my heart and adore them the most. But here’s my problem: Both of my siblings have autism, they are both in different places on the spectrum but it does impact their daily life, which my parents can’t handle.
I basically have to raise these children, because every time they have a meltdown (Which I believe is incredibly exhausting for them) my parents don’t have the patience to calm them. This makes me the person who gets up at night when they have a problem or when we eat, I’m the one taking care of their eating and food.
I’m still going to school and work afterward, which leads to me coming home every day at around 8 PM but instead of having time to do my homework or learn something, my mother forces me to watch the kids and bring them to bed and afterward, I need to tidy up the kitchen and the living room, while also having to take care of their laundry and the trash that I take out.
I sometimes feel like a maiden in this house, but my mother just tells me to******* up and that I shouldn’t be so spoiled, she had to do even more In her childhood.
Every time I speak up about it, my mother calls me selfish and tells me that I’m just overreacting and every older sibling has to watch their siblings.
While she also says, that I don’t need this time to study, because I’m doing really good at school anyway. In between I wasn’t even able to meet up with friends, cause she made me watch the kids, and my social life basically ended or broke down, besides a few friends.
Now I told her, that I plan to move to the overside of the country to go to university there. She is upset about this and every day she asks me to stay here or study nearer to them because I wouldn’t realize how far away that is and I wouldn’t come to visit them anymore.
I tried to tell her that I need to get out, I need my own life, and need to study in peace But she still tries to make me stay.
AITJ for trying to move out on them?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – there’s no way you will get through university like this and even if you do it will have taken all the fun out of it. The children are your mother and stepfather’s responsibility and they are being selfish in trying to get you to stay.
While you are there it seems they are not coming up with their own techniques to cope with the children’s behaviors and while I agree you should help out around the home, you are not being given any space or time to yourself to study and have a life.” Anniemarsh69
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Be careful and take steps to make sure your parents cannot sabotage you from moving out and attending university. Don’t share too many details or information about your plans and what you’ll be doing. Make sure your mom cannot steal or modify any correspondence coming from your university and make sure your university knows to ignore any calls or messages from your parents.
Your mom treats you like dirt and won’t be happy to lose her maid once she realizes it is 100% happening.” I_need_cheesecake
Another User Comments:
“No sweetie, you are not the jerk, not even a little.
You are carrying way too much weight because at this point your parents have outsourced most of their responsibilities to you and worst, are trying to sabotage your future in order for you to stay there.
I will make a wild guess here: did your parents choose to have new babies 16 full years after you because they needed a reason to stay together? A second chance baby?
In any case, this is their choice and their responsibility.
If they feel too old for running after toddlers they shouldn’t push that responsibility over you.
They had their youth, crappy or not, it was theirs, and now it is your turn.
Go make friends, have a love life, and have a career.
You deserve it.
NTJ” Ryuloulou
13. WIBTJ If I Join A 5-Day School Trip?
“I (32M) have a partner (31F) and we have 2 kids together (2,5F and 1M). I’m an elementary school teacher (6-year-olds) and every year the 11- and 12-year-olds go on a school trip for 5 days (Monday through Friday). Ever since I’ve been working at our school I went as an extra chaperone on this trip.
I realize things changed because before there were no kids and going away for a few days wasn’t really an issue.
The now 12-years olds were my ‘first class’ when they were 6-year-olds so this bunch of kids will forever hold a special place in my heart.
If you’re a teacher you’ll probably understand. Going with them on this trip would feel like a proper ‘send-off’ for them to high school and beyond.
Last year when they went on the trip I obviously couldn’t go because the trip coincided with the birth of our son but I was hoping this year I would again be able to attend.
My partner knows this for a very long time, even before our son was born I brought up the topic regularly and she never told me she wouldn’t like it if I went on the trip. Of course, things depend on how well the baby sleeps/eats and all.
If the baby wasn’t sleeping through the night or anything of the case I of course wouldn’t consider going on the trip. This however is not the case, of course family life is busy with 2 young children but we have a good routine going.
A few weeks ago our principal asked me whether or not I wanted to attend the trip this year and I told him I’d have an answer for him the next day since I wanted to discuss the trip again with my partner.
I asked her point blank multiple times how she feels about this and if she has any ill feelings towards me going she should just say so and I wouldn’t go because I really would understand. I told her I would help to look for extra help during the week and I would help her prepare in any way possible (cooking dinner beforehand etc.) She however didn’t ask/tell me to stay home so I gave the principal the go-ahead.
He searched for a substitute for my class and everything on the school side has been taken care of. I told my partner everything was settled and suddenly my going became a problem. She couldn’t believe I would even consider being apart from her and the kids for that long and that she now has to take care of the kids by herself for 5 days.
I get that she feels like I’m abandoning her but I also feel like I gave her plenty of chances to speak her mind and now that everything is taken care of at work she suddenly tells me it’s a problem.
My principal and coworkers all expect me to go since I told them so and changing that now would not be easy. WIBTJ if I went on this trip?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You gave your partner plenty of opportunities to speak her mind and let her know that you’d still be helping out however you can beforehand, such as making meals in advance, finding care, etc. Your partner sounds like she’s used to getting her way.
It’s not like you’ll be gone for a month, 5 days isn’t a particularly long time. If there are friends/family living nearby, see if she can go there while you’re gone so she gets some help with the kids and she doesn’t feel alone.” sharirogers
Another User Comments:
“NTJ/No jerks here. I think this could solidly be classified as a work trip. I know it is optional, but to me, it seems like you have colleagues counting on you, and you have a real emotional investment in your students.
That means a lot, and to me that solidly seems worth the sacrifice of 5 days from your family.
5 days is a lot and I think it’s totally fair for your partner to be a little upset at being ‘stuck’ while she probably thinks you’re having a really nice time.
It will be a lot of work, and I hope you make it up to her, but it’s not exactly the most insurmountable task. This is a common scenario for many types of couples, where one of them needs to do something important.
And this trip is important. But if I were your wife I’d probably be a little grumpy about it as well.” YouSeeMyVapeByChance
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She had the opportunity to ask you to not go but stayed silent about her true feelings.
Maybe she thinks one of your teacher superpowers is mind reading. As bad as it may seem to your partner that you are ‘abandoning’ her, as you said you have given her every chance to give her opinion and offered solutions to make it easier for her.
Plus this has been a tradition for you so it’s not the first time you are doing this, which she knows. But this group is especially important to you, and it will mean everything to you to spend this time with them.” KweeNeeBee
12. AITJ For Not Getting My Stepsiblings Involved In My Wedding Party?
“I (27m) am engaged to my fiancée Elle (26f). We have been together for 10 years and engaged for the last three.
Our wedding is planned for November of this year and our wedding party was chosen during the start of 2020. I asked my two brothers to be my groomsmen and Elle asked her sister and her best friend.
I lost my mom at a young age and my dad remarried. Dad’s wife was a widow and she had three kids when she married Dad.
A son who is a year younger than me and two daughters who were 3 and 4 years younger than me. I was never very close to them and I count my siblings as just my brothers. My stepsiblings are not really in my adult life.
We see each other once a year and sometimes less than that. I don’t have an issue with that. They will be invited to my wedding but they are not in the wedding. Honestly, it wouldn’t upset me if they chose not to come.
My dad and stepmom were upset to learn none of my stepsiblings were given a place in the wedding party. My stepbrother not being a groomsman was especially upsetting because I am the groom and they believe I should want all three of them, because they see the four of us as four brothers, and believe I should want all my brothers there.
They have also mentioned since Elle is having a friend, we could have had an even wedding party if she had my stepsisters instead of her friend as bridesmaids.
I don’t know how my stepsiblings feel because I do not talk to them.
My dad asked me to reconsider the wedding party a couple of times. I always said no. My stepmom recently told me it is not too late and I could show a united front and be on the way to making us all closer if I include them.
She said we have known each other since childhood and have more than fifteen years of life as a family to want them included in my special moment. I said I didn’t want to include them that way.
She told me I was behaving unforgivably for not making my stepsiblings part of my wedding party and she told me she hopes I regret it in years to come.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
No is a complete answer. The cheek of your stepmother to insist your bride has her daughters as her attendants instead of her best friend!
I don’t understand the need to have siblings at your wedding party, it’s not the tradition in my country and I’ve not had a role in any of my 3 brothers’ weddings.
Shut the talk down by hinting you will rescind their own invitations if they don’t stop harping on about it.” Infusion-delusion
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you didn’t have to include any siblings in your wedding party, and your fiancée gets to choose her own attendants.
You don’t have to have a large wedding party when you want to keep it modest. And forcing adults into expensive matching clothes to placate their mom’s insecurities is just weird.
I’d get a hold of the steps, find out how they feel about the situation, and see if you can present a unified response to the parents.
Maybe pictures with each of the families and with the same generation including cousins and friends will help get them off your case.” ClockWeasel
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
They appear to be projecting their vision of their blended family onto you, as you are highlighting it isn’t the successful blending they think it was (or have been telling people it was).
Your wedding represents a threat to their beliefs so they want to force a false narrative onto it.
I also doubt your step-siblings would want to be in your wedding parties if they see you so little, it doesn’t sound like there is a relationship there.” Opposite-Guide-9925
11. AITJ For Wanting To Reconnect With My Sister?
“Me and my sister used to be close, but when I was 5 and she was 7, I got sick up until I was 15. Because I was sick, my parents often stopped her from doing normal things on my account; at first, I was ok with her doing kid stuff.
But at one point I got bitter and kind of guilt-tripped my parents and her to let her stay with me, but I did that up until I was 12; after I noticed that it was leading to a strain in our relationship and her hating me, I tried to get back on her good side because she was no longer enthusiastic to stay with me like before when we would play games and she would sing and do things with me, I tried to convince my parents to let her do stuff because she would come back from school then spend 5 -7 hours with me then go home and that cycle would repeat itself.
But my parents still insisted on it and thought I was being brave, even though I would beg them to let her have a life.
When I turned 15, I had surgery and was doing better, but I was still dealing with some side effects from the meds I was taking, but that only lasted for a year.
My parents had finally let her do things that she wanted to do. This was like midway through her junior year. But the damage was already done; she had stopped communicating with me and my parents. Like when we’d sit down to dinner and she’d only say one word to my parents and then lock the door to her room.
and she did not have any friends; she told my aunt, and my aunt told my parents because she was worried about her mental health. My parents tried to do family therapy before she left for college, but she still didn’t communicate (she can literally spend a whole month without saying a word to anyone).
When she went to college, she cut off our parents and me. She changed her number and everything. Last year, after doing some research, I found her on Instagram (she seemed much happier there), found out about her university, and applied there.
I wanted to rekindle our relationship now that she seemed to be in a better mental space. Last semester, I contacted her through her university email and told her we could meet for coffee. She ignored all of my emails.
This year, I decided to be more direct, so I went to her student organization and told her hi; she ignored me, but her friends asked who I was, and I told them I was her sister, and they seemed surprised because she didn’t mention me.
She then told me we should go to a café. and she chewed me out for picking this university (she referred to it as her safe place). I am now feeling like I may have gone about this the wrong way, but at the same time, I just wanted us to be close again.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think you understand. Your sister doesn’t want a relationship with you or her neglectful parents. She’s been waiting for the day to go to college so she had a chance to get out of that environment as fast as possible.
She was practically locked and keyed away because the child with the disability said so. And it’s not your fault since you were just a kid, your parents are entirely at fault there. But your sister was isolated, probably had to decline every birthday party invite so often that her school friends just stopped asking her to go; she didn’t get a childhood.
She might hate you entirely for being the reason why your parents forced her to stay home 24/7. This is 100% neglect that your sister experienced. She finally got out of a terrible situation, and you want to drag her BACK? Absolutely not!
I sincerely feel for your sister as I was also a glass child and terribly neglected almost the same way. But you don’t get to choose to bring her back. All you needed to do is apologize for what you asked for as a kid; let her know that you begged your parents to let her have a life and your parents declined and that’s IT.
Applying to her college and trying to chase after it, sending ‘100s of emails’ was taking it way too far. If she didn’t respond to the first one or two, she made her choice of not wanting to be your sister.
She rightfully hates your family and it’s time you accept that you had neglectful parents and move on. And don’t go to her college. There are thousands of colleges and universities you can attend. If she wants to reconcile the relationship, she’ll come to you.
But you became a jerk when you decided to disrespect her boundaries, decided to send ‘100s of emails’, and then showed up to her college.
YTJ – though I feel for your want of apologizing. You should have left that whole apology in a single email and left it at that.” Ellazarah
Another User Comments:
“Oh my, yes, YTJ. There may be hope for you to restore a relationship with her but forcing it, and invading the space she has finally been able to establish for herself, is the worst possible way to do it.
It sounds like you gained some maturity during your illness and tried to do right by her, but to her, you were a tremendously, and unfairly, limiting factor that impacted her childhood very negatively. It’s hard to understand why you would think going to her university and effectively forcing yourself on someone who has made it clear she wants no relationship would be a good choice.
You should transfer out immediately, and at some point in the future send her one last message that apologizes, explains you no longer go to school there and want to give her space, but that you hope she’ll find it in her heart someday to talk to you about your childhoods.
You could try to get across that you tried to influence your parents for the better, and maybe she’ll come around. Or maybe she won’t, and that’s her prerogative.” owls_and_cardinals
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I don’t blame you for what happened when you were kids; even when you pushed for your sister to stay with you, your parents were ultimately responsible for not stepping in and protecting your sister’s wellbeing.
But now?
Think about it like this: your sister was made to put your wishes above everything for most of her childhood. And now you’re expecting her to keep doing that. You want her to put your wishes (for a close relationship, for her to be your friend and only confidante) above her needs (for space, freedom to grow, and just her mental health to be protected).
You aren’t to blame for your childhoods but you are intrinsically linked to her miserable upbringing because it was all for your happiness. And now you want her to keep doing things for your happiness. You acknowledge she was doing better on her own, so put her first for once and leave her be.
She can reach out if/when she’s ready.” AceDoc_Patch2
10. AITJ For Telling My Niece She's Still A Stranger To Us?
“My brother married Jen last year. My brother has Ashley (almost 18) from his first marriage and his wife has Chloe (18). I have not met either his wife or Chloe since I was not invited to the wedding.
My parents weren’t told about them till the wedding date was set so they are not at all close with them.
I came to visit my parents and Ashley last week. One of the things Ashley is very big on is gaming.
Her dream is to own a Nintendo Switch. So after saving for a while I finally was able to buy her a switch as a gift. I didn’t know anything about Chloe but according to Ash she likes makeup so after getting her number of things on the makeup, I got one of my female friends to buy some for her.
So last week I went to visit and gave Chloe and Ashley their gifts, and when Chloe saw Ash’s gift she got upset that I got more gifts and something more expensive for Ash. However, my brother and Jen smoothed everything over with the promise of buying Chloe more gifts, in private they got mad at me for showing favoritism.
We had our Easter get-together yesterday and everyone was milling around and talking. Mostly everyone was ignoring my brother, Jen and Chloe but everyone was talking to Ash, Chloe looked like she was about to start crying and my brother and Jen started comforting her telling her ‘How we are all so mean’, etc.
Everything was fine until dinner. Ash was talking about colleges (she’s hoping to get a fashion degree) and told me how she’s hoping to get into the ones she applied for abroad. My brother chimes in and says she can’t go abroad because he doesn’t have any funds saved for her, so looks like she can’t go abroad.
Ash’s mom Ruby pipes in and says she’s got something saved up for Ash, and I pipe up and say I have too and that if Ash gets into one in the state where I live she can stay with me, or if she gets in on in another state or this certain country I have a few female friends who would be happy to take her in so she doesn’t have to be alone in a foreign country.
My brother goes ‘What about Chloe?’ and I say ‘I don’t even know her properly, you can’t expect me to do everything for her’ and then Chloe starts throwing a tantrum and started saying a very ridiculous fantasy story (and just by hearing it you could see everyone was offended and angry so I told her calmly before someone exploded that ‘You can’t expect to be treated like Ash so soon, we have known her her whole life we haven’t even properly know you yet, right now you’re a stranger to us, give us time to get to know you properly, and soon we’ll love you as much as Ash.’ My brother stands up and yells at us about how we could be this cruel to a kid.
I feel a bit guilty now and feel like I should have been much nicer. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your brother is deluded if he thinks an 18-year-old stepdaughter is going to be IMMEDIATELY folded into family affections to the same level as Ashley who the family has known all her life.
He didn’t even invite you all to the wedding.
He doesn’t seem to have made much effort to introduce his new wife and stepdaughter to you since getting together with them.
What you said was both reasonable and kind, especially since you very clearly opened the door to get to know and love Chloe better.
His expectations and hers are wholly unrealistic and very entitled.” YouSayWotNow
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. We are talking about an 18-year-old right?! Chloe is not a poor child abandoned by her family, she is apparently a very spoiled and immature grown-up (I could settle for a young adult, but not a child).
How on earth could Chloe feel so entitled to your funds, gifts, and affection? How was she raised to throw a temper tantrum in front of a new family? This won’t be going in the direction you suggested (give your family time to get to know her and soon she will be as loved as Ash).
With a behavior like that, all the family bonding most likely will never happen and it will because of Chloe and her mom (who raised her to be like that).” stollentrollin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your brother is very much at fault.
If he wanted a closer relationship with his wife and her daughter, the proper thing to do would’ve been to introduce them to the family, letting the family get to know them and not just telling them at the wedding.
You yourself weren’t even invited to the wedding the fact that they are expecting so much from you reeks of entitlement. Ashley is who you consider your family rightfully so and is treated as one because you all had time to bond since she was born.
Unfortunately same can’t be said for Chloe as you Al just met. Frankly, their expectations here are way too high, especially for the way they went about things. You were nice enough to get Chloe things that she would’ve liked when you didn’t have to.
I’m glad Ashley has people who have her back because clearly, her father does not.” Chantalle22
9. AITJ For Not Babysitting My Brother's Kid Because Of His Comments About My Lifestyle?
“My brother and I both live in the same city and are just 15 minutes apart. Moreover, we were very close since we were kids. He was my best friend. Furthermore, both of our kids go to schools in the city (though his kids are older and study at a private school and my daughter is younger and still in public school).
As the schools were pretty close, I asked my brother if he could drive my daughter to school just for a little bit. I asked as I had been quite busy at work (I was up for a promotion) and, I was divorced (have full custody, and my ex-husband is not in the US).
After things settled back at work (after a few months) I began to drive her to school again. During this time, I also met my fiancé who was a woman. She made me incredibly happy and while we were together, I occasionally asked my brother to babysit my daughter on the nights I went out on a date.
I could have hired a nanny, but I trusted my brother’s family more. During this time, I hadn’t informed my brother that my significant other was a woman. When I did, it caused a rift in my family, and we slowly stopped engaging with each other.
I don’t mean to say that anything explosive occurred and we were cordial, but our relationship was no longer what it once was. I tried to reforge a connection but to no avail (there was no hostile rejection of it, but just no effort on his part to continue engaging with me).
With this in mind, a few weeks back, my brother and his wife had to go out of state for a wedding of a colleague. The wedding didn’t allow for kids and it was a three-day occasion. While the kids are all old to stay at home alone, as this was going to be a three-day occasion he came to my home and asked me if they could stay with me for the duration.
I was very happy to do so, but then he said something that really hurt and angered me. He asked me to not influence his kids to accept my sort of ‘lifestyle’. I thought he was joking and asked him to clarify.
He asked if it was possible that I didn’t talk about my lifestyle around my kids for the three days that they were away and didn’t tell them of my SO.
This just angered me to no avail and while I tried to calmly understand what he was trying to say exactly, he said that he didn’t want his kids exposed to homosexuality and didn’t want his ‘daughter to become a lesbian’.
I was just shocked and quickly our talk turned into a shouting match that led to me kicking him out of my house.
After the event, I talked to my friends and SO, and while they support my decision, something just is just slowly jabbing at me.
My brother has, despite all his homophobia and crap, made a lot of sacrifices for me. He helped me pay my student loans, and when no one was there for me, during my divorce, he was there. He was there for me when I needed help in my profession and so much more.
I feel as though I am the jerk as this is the least I could do, regardless of his nonsense beliefs. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your brother may have done a lot of amazing things for you, but what he asked you to do was not cool.
Just because someone has done things for you doesn’t mean it’s OK for them to treat you badly.
It’s extremely ignorant of him in this day, and age to think that kids seeing a gay couple is going to make his kids gay in some way… that’s not how that works.
If it’s really bothering you, you can always reach out to him and acknowledge that he’s done a lot for you and that you appreciate everything that he’s done, and that you don’t take any of this for granted.
But that he can’t choose which parts of you he doesn’t love. And that you shouldn’t have to hide your ‘lifestyle’ that it’s 2023. Honestly maybe even sent him some articles that help family members accept you?
Maybe if you sent him informational educational content like that, he might be more receptive as it’s going to be very well worded.
NTJ NTJ NTJ don’t feel bad for standing up for yourself and honestly, your spouse because if I was your spouse, I would be mad that you placed me in the closet…” random-person-enters
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your brother was good to you in the past, but he has failed in one of the most important aspects of truly being family: Accepting you for who and what you are as a person.
Frankly, it’s pretty presumptuous of him to ask someone who he so obviously disapproves of to care for his child. Even if you did babysit your niece, he will always be looking sideways at you, his homophobia constantly making him wonder when you are suddenly going to ‘make’ his daughter into a lesbian.
He needs to get his thinking straight and let go of his prejudices.” Dipping_My_Toes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and he may have been a wonderfully loving and helpful brother but he is also a homophobe. The comment he made to you about not wanting you to influence his daughter to become a lesbian was crossing a huge line and completely unacceptable.
All the good he’s done doesn’t necessarily trump this type of behavior!
Normally I’d say cut your losses and never look back but in this case, I would suggest trying to sit down with him alone and have a real heart-to-heart about how much you love, care, and appreciate all that e he’s done for you but what he said and how he thinks about your life is very hurtful and disrespectful to you.
That’s not the wonderful brother that you know and love. I don’t know if it helps your relationship, but it might be worth a try if you are willing and able to forgive him. If not, then it’s best your distance yourself from him, unfortunately.” jacksonlove3
8. AITJ For Not Sharing My Lunch With A Student?
“I am an art teacher at an alternative high school. That means a lot of students come from low-income families, juvenile detention centers, or get kicked out of school.
I have this one student (18 f) who is very, how do I put this, boisterous? And could easily be considered a bully. From what I understand she left home and is essentially couch-surfing with friends. So I don’t know how secure her source of food might be outside of school.
That being said, the school provides breakfast, lunch, and a few snacks a day to the students for free. They can get seconds, there is a school store that has snacks and drinks in it that they use reward currency to purchase, AND pretty much once a week students get to pick and take home free grocery-type foods.
Teachers have to pay for their lunches by the way. I bring lunches from home and honestly can never finish even half my lunch in the time I am given, especially considering I tend to have to make copies or take care of something.
So by the time I sit down to eat, I have 15 minutes to try to eat. Because of this, I tend to eat some of my food after lunch, which just so happens to be the class that the student is in.
Pretty much every single day she is actually at school, she comes into my room extremely loudly and then practically bullies me to give her some of my food.
This is getting so frustrating to me because the students have so much food that is provided to them for free and here she is trying to get me to give up my lunch that I paid for with my hard-earned money.
Realistically, I don’t get enough of for the job I’m doing. I always respectfully tell her that I’m not giving her my food, I’m going to eat it, and that she can go get a snack from the office. I also ask her if she ate lunch.
Half the time she says no, which makes me MADDER because she is refusing the free food she is given then being hungry and badgering me about giving up my lunch. And along with that, She told me I should have snacks in my room but it’s not like I’m flush with funds.
My car has broken down 3 times this year, I mean come on. AITJ denying her my food?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re not a kid getting bullied. Tell this student to stop it. She is well provided for, your time is very short, and while you like her, you really don’t like her bursting in on your lunch break, demanding food because she doesn’t feel like eating the free food the school offers.
This isn’t kindergarten so no, you won’t be stocking snacks. She is an adult and she can feed herself. Stop asking. It is a no today and it’ll be no tomorrow, too. Now please let you have your 15 minutes.
You’re being a jerk to yourself, by not stopping inappropriate and annoying student behavior.
NTJ.” External-Hamster-991
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here for wanting to keep your lunch. But, if the kid’s life sucks/has sucked as bad as you say, it’s possible that the kid might see you and your willingness to give up your lunch for her as a form of affection or caretaking.
Or something in that realm.
You should talk to the school counselor about your student and get some guidance before you take action. The kid might be a jerk, or you might be the only adult that shows any concern for her.
A counselor will have better perspective and input.” cafh26
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you’re in the US, I don’t think you can legally be forced to work during your lunch break. You could try pushing back there, but we all know that just because something is illegal doesn’t mean you won’t get fired over it so no judgment if you don’t feel comfortable doing so.
And while it’s unpleasant, you can leave her to jiggle and whine outside until class starts, at least…
It does make me wonder if she’s not the one getting bullied though. It would explain why she’s not eating lunch and is basically hiding in your classroom.
I realize she’s actually kinda bullying you to get into the classroom, but you are safe for her to do that too. And her boisterous personality might make my suggestion feel like an impossibility, but sometimes people overcompensate to hide their vulnerability.
Have you tried escorting her to lunch or the office to get a snack when she asks for her food? Her resistance to that might give you information to act on even though it will cost you lunchtime.” Office_Desk906
7. AITJ For Refusing To Design My Cousin's Wedding Dress?
“So I (29f) have designed all the wedding dresses for my cousins, siblings, and aunts for the past decade. When my eldest sister (35f) got engaged at 24 she asked me to design her dress since I’m passionate about design and she always loved my style.
Her dress was a knockout, everyone loved it, and ever since when ever one of our relatives announced their engagement they ask if I can design their dress for them. I’ve always said yes because I absolutely love doing it just so much fun.
On to the issue, my cousin (23f) is getting married next February and called me up to see when we could meet so she could share her ideas for her dress and I can start designing it. I do not like this cousin at all, her parents spoiled her beyond rotten.
I decided to still meet with her though and see if anything has changed since she’s now an adult. She immediately shows me some photos of wedding dresses by Sara Burton and tells me she wants something exactly like the pictures, I try to suggest a change in neckline or color and she shuts it down and tell me she wants exactly that.
I told her I would not be making her dress as I love designing clothes that embody their wearer and suit them, not rip off other designers so she can look fancy in a knockoff.
Some of my family and especially her and her parents are beyond upset and have been blowing up my phone because I’ve ‘broken tradition and my baby cousin’s heart because she’s been looking forward to having me make her wedding dress for years now’.
I feel kind of bad but at the same time she’s taking the fun and bonding out of designing a wedding dress.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You have the right to decline a request to design a dress for someone, especially if it goes against your values as a designer.
It’s unfair for your family to pressure you into designing something that doesn’t align with your artistic vision. You’ve also designed dresses for your family members for over a decade, and it’s not your obligation to continue doing so if you don’t want to.
It’s important to prioritize your own creative integrity and boundaries.” Guchi28
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The agreement is that you design a dress, not copy another designer & the bride gets a free dress. Explain that your cousin did not want you to design her dress but has her heart set on another designer instead.
That way it puts all the blame back where it belongs – on your cousin.
Also, remember this – you do not owe anyone anything. You are fully within your rights to refuse to make a dress for anyone for any reason.
If anyone is upset, it is because of their own expectations they built. Don’t let them argue & manipulate you. ‘Baby cousin’ is a grown adult & can go buy the dress she wants.” HelenAngel
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It makes no sense for her to have been looking forward to you designing a dress if she’s literally telling you to use someone else’s design. If your cousin was really so heartbroken, she would just let you make the dress you want to make for her.
If she wants things done her way, then she can go ahead and pay someone to follow her orders.
If I were in your position, I would tell anyone who asked the truth: your work was not up to her standards, so you think she’s better off going with someone who can meet her demands.” SomeoneYouDontKnow70
6. AITJ For Warning My Ex-Roommate's New Roommate About Her Crazy Rule?
“I (19f) have lived in an apartment with Jess (21f) for a year and a half. In that time I’ve had one guy (my significant other) stay overnight a whopping total of 3 times. When I moved in, Jess said she didn’t care about sleepovers (I guess that changed) so I always made sure to let her know when my SO was coming over and we were always respectful and tried to coordinate times when she wasn’t going to be home.
He also never mooched off us and we mostly hung out at his place because Jess was so insufferable to be around when you had guests.
Jess and I recently got into a huge argument about it and she said it’s disrespectful of me to have a guy overnight.
We clearly both had our own opinions about it and couldn’t persuade the other so I made arrangements to move in with my SO and Jess was going to find a new flatmate.
She (Kate) and her SO came over to check the place out.
I could tell Jess was irritated by that since she was only sharing with the girl and not the pair. At one point, Kate made a comment about the size of the bed (king size) and some comment to her SO about the romantic nights they’d spend together.
Here’s where I may be the jerk; I knew that if Kate moved in, there would be some huge argument about her SO in the near future especially since she was making comments about him hanging out there. So while we were waiting for Jess to get some things from another room, I mentioned that she doesn’t like her roommates having guys over at all, especially overnight.
This seemed to concern the pair and they asked Jess about it when she came back over.
She looked really embarrassed and said ‘I’m not actually.’ The pair tried to pry for answers but she said that if Kate moved in, her SO couldn’t stay for more than a few hours at a time, especially not overnight.
This caused Kate and her SO to leave. After they left, Jess blew up at me and accused me of sabotaging the meeting. I said that she was being ridiculous because there is no way she was going to be ok with Kate and her SO if she wasn’t ok with me and mine.
She called me ‘vindictive’ and ‘malicious’ to bring up her no-boy rule. I said that I never technically broke her rules as we agreed on allowing sleepovers so long as we told the other person but her views have clearly changed but it’s not my fault that she didn’t tell me.
Now she’s infuriated with me. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Jess is insane. This is exactly the type of issue roommates need to hammer out BEFORE they move in together if there’s a snowball’s chance of the roommate ship working.
In young adulthood, it’s common to have intimate romantic relationships. If Jess can’t handle that in her space… fine! She just needs to room with others who feel the same way, or who, for whatever reason, agree to accept her ‘no boy’ rule.
Hiding this information beforehand, then no doubt springing it on the roommate the first time her partner comes over to spend the night is utterly and completely unfair on her part. It can cause a lot of hassle, and potentially a lot of funds if the new roommate moves in then feels she has to move out again because of Jess’s feelings.” GroupOk3447
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Does she own the home and is there a guest clause in your rental agreement? If not, then she has no right to dictate this. It is a courtesy not to have your SO over there so much that he feels like a third roommate and/or is using utilities too much.
But one to three nights per week nonconsecutive, is pretty reasonable. And you could hang out together all day if you wanted to, again, as long as it’s not most days.
I’m glad you’re getting out but I would encourage you not to comply with unreasonable requests like this in the future and learn to advocate for yourself.
I had to learn this at your age through my 20s, so I get the struggle.
Also, is it Jess or Jane? You use both names more than once.” friendlily
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Jess is either SUPER religious and doesn’t believe in sleeping together before marriage.
As that is her right, she cannot enforce it on others, especially in a SHARED living space. But. The flip side is, maybe she has had some traumatic experience with a boy and is actually afraid of having a man stay over.
Perhaps she was the victim of something horrible before or something?
Obviously, that’s no one’s business but hers. But if she is asked about the rule, and her response is simply ‘I just don’t like it’ then at the same time that isn’t a good enough reasoning for the rule as having guests over isn’t against the law, especially SOs.
The 3rd option is Jess could maybe just be unlucky at love and she can’t stand to see others happy. That or she is in love with you and hoped somehow the rule would split you and your SO up so she could take a chance with you.
In any case, Jess needs some kind of help, and I hope she gets it.” GrimmTrixX
5. AITJ For Being Mad At My Husband For Waking Me Up For A Non-Emergency?
“I (38F) and my husband (39M) have different schedules. I work 8:30 to 8:30 daytime WFH and he is more of a night person and keeps his own time of work.
So as a result I go to sleep by 11 pm and he will come to bed by 2/3 am and wake up later in the day.
I am a light sleeper, so generally, I will know when he comes to bed and will say good night and off to sleep again, but he has a habit of starting random conversations at that time.
Most of the time I will just sleepily say, yeah ok and go back to sleep. Sometimes he doesn’t shut up and I mostly play possum until he gets the hint. But it gets harder to go back to sleep.
Last night, he came to bed, called my name, and told me he was hurt. That got my attention. So I asked what happened. Apparently, he roughhoused with the dogs and got scratched in the arm. In my opinion, it’s not the dogs’ fault.
It happens when you play rough.
So I asked if it was bleeding. He said, no. Did he wash it and put antiseptic on it? He said yes. Does it hurt? He said no. Do you need my help with something?
He said no.
This is when I might be the jerk. I got angry and asked him if he only woke me up to complain about the dogs. Couldn’t this wait till tomorrow in awake hours? This is a situation I have no input on and couldn’t do anything.
I never wake him up if it’s not an absolute emergency. Actually, I counted three times I had to wake him up in the last year and all three were medical emergencies. I told him he has no respect for my rest time and so from now on, won’t be getting that courtesy from me anymore.
He told me I am being very rude to him and went to sleep in the guest room after that.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, but it’s fixable.
Simply don’t answer at all anytime he does this, even if it does wake you up.
If it’s truly a medical emergency he will keep trying over and over and you’ll get the hint.
You should have waited until the morning to talk about what had happened that night instead of going off on him.
Being confrontational can sometimes blur the point we want to get across, as the other person can get super defensive. In the morning or when things have cooled off you can talk about your experience and how and why it bugged you.
After that, you two could then work on a compromise.
Also from one light sleeper to another, I totally recommend a fan or a white noise machine if it’s a constant issue between you two.” DearDorothy
Another User Comments:
“He is choosing the hours he works but wants to have conversations with you… So he is deliberately sabotaging his own goals in this relationship? And he is making your life difficult due to his choices.
You need to tell him that he is the victim of his choices.
None of this is your fault unless you take the blame for enabling this immature behavior. He is acting like a teenager instead of maturely accepting the fruits of his own decisions, not yours.
How long do you think your relationship is going to last with someone that deliberately chooses to not match your schedule, so choosing to not have quality time together?
How did you come together if he does what he wants instead of adjusting to working the same hours? I’ve done shift work all of my life and adjusting timing isn’t that difficult, especially if it is predictable. NTJ” Icy_Curmudgeon
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
I’m thinking there is something beneath it all here. I think your husband was looking for comfort from you. How much quality time do you guys spend together? The different schedules could be making it really hard for the both of you to spend time together every day.
Yeah, it is rude of him to keep waking you up to chat and all that, but maybe he misses talking to you. You’d be the jerk if you don’t look further into this. From what you’ve described, it sounds like he wants/needs something from you.
He might not know how to communicate that or feel embarrassed about it.” Onceuponalightyear
4. AITJ For Not Rendering Overtime Work Just To Have A Solo Picnic?
“I (29F) started working at a new company 8 months ago.
I was headhunted specifically for the role I have, which gave me enough power to negotiate my contract like I wanted. One of the things I managed to get was a clause that prohibited my employer from contacting me outside work hours.
If it is a true emergency, then they can send me an email. Otherwise, they can’t even send me a text.
Furthermore, I have a separate work phone that I shut down at 5 on the dot, then turn on at 9 am.
Another thing is that I don’t work OT. I am very efficient, so my work is done by 3 pm, or 5 pm if we have an emergency. I also take my whole lunch break outside the office, and my coffee breaks away from my desk.
My coworkers are not the same, they tend to socialize during work hours and have work left for afterward.
They sometimes ask me to ‘help’, but I always decline by saying that I have plans. I won’t go into details, I just say that I have plans.
These plans 99% of the time just include going home, reading books, or sleeping. But that is my personal time.
Monday, a coworker asked me if I could stay a bit later to help her out, apparently, she was late with some essential work, but had to be done by that night because she had to attend her daughter’s recital at 6.
I said that I was sorry, but that I had plans.
It was a nice day, so instead of going home, I just went to a park to read while breathing some fresh air. Brought some fruit and bubble tea, and made a picnic out of it.
My coworker found me there, and she was mad. She said that I could have helped her if I didn’t have plans, I said that I do have plans, this impromptu picnic. She said that it wasn’t as important as her daughter’s recital. So I said that for me, it was even more important than her daughter’s recital.
She called me a jerk and some of my friends agree. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
However, one day you might need help and your coworkers will remember how inflexible you were. You obviously have every right to reject helping out your coworkers, but just remember that when you inevitably need help and everyone else has ‘plans.’ There are consequences to the work lifestyle you detailed, as long as you’re okay with that, gods peed.
This is one of those ‘technically you’re not a jerk but you’re basically asking for everyone to hate you’ situations.” User
Another User Comments:
“Slight YTJ – This is a case where you’re absolutely within your rights to do what you did, but it’s kind of a jerk way of doing it, and it would make you a miserable person to work with.
The way you responded is pretty unempathetic. Sure, her daughter’s recital isn’t important to you, but it doesn’t take a huge amount of empathy to understand what’s important to her.
Your picnic is not time-sensitive, her child’s recital is. You don’t owe her your time or work, but you also didn’t have to be a jerk about it, either.
‘My eating fruit in the park is more important than your daughter’s recital.’ No, it’s not. You care about it more.
(Also, slightly pedantic, but, if the picnic was impromptu, then you didn’t have plans. That’s literally what impromptu means: unplanned.)” Samael13
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your coworker has misplaced her anger. You have no doubt made it clear to everyone that you’re not the guy to ask in a situation like this. Your coworker should be mad at the company. She no doubt reports to someone.
Why isn’t that person filling in? Why isn’t that person finding a way to make do without the work being done at that time? Why isn’t that person offering a bonus to OP for doing extra work, or hiring more people to make sure they have enough staff?
This seems like a company that has created an environment where people are making the company’s problems into their own. When someone is sick or has an urgent personal matter, they should be calling their boss, not their coworkers.” Jacked-to-the-wits
3. AITJ For Not Letting A Student's Mistake Pass?
“I (27F) am currently a resident, and we have med students coming and going to our ward every now and then.
I understand it’s not very practical for them to just stand and watch in the OR (general surgery and it is hard, almost handled like the ranks of the military (I was a med student too so I know).
But, all things aside, there are rules that need to be followed.
One of the students made a mistake. I won’t go into details but it was significant enough for me to notice. So I did what we do routinely for this kind of thing at the ward, asked him to do a bit of extra work to make sure he doesn’t repeat this later.
That night I got a call from one of my friends. He said that the student was his nephew and asked me to take it easy on him. I said I was taking it easy on him all he had to do was pay attention.
He told me to let go of his nephew’s mistake, and that his father was an important person.
I told him I did what was required and that was the end of it, that he didn’t deserve special treatment because of his family.
That friend called me an uptight jerk and I hung up the phone on him.
I’m pretty sure I did the right thing but a few colleagues have told me I could have taken things a bit more easily and let it go.
I personally only stayed out of trouble by being responsible and paying attention. I honestly believe he should do the same.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are practicing medicine, a simple fault can cost someone their life. You should always talk about a fault when you see one and with that immediately fix it or teach someone how to do it differently.
You acted on the protocol. You did well. It’s stupid of your friend to ask if you could treat the person differently than the others.” SStayn
Another User Comments:
“So you’re a jerk for not falling in line with the nepotism surrounding this student?
If he got in on his own merit, I highly doubt he’d be blaming you for his own mistakes; he’s a lawsuit waiting to happen if he gets his credentials without knowing the proper procedure on how to do his job.
NTJ it shouldn’t matter from which family he hails from, all that matters is his work product, effort, & attitude.” Few-Entrepreneur383
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You also need to report your friend for s****l discrimination. And the medical student’s work needs to be evaluated by higher-ups because it sounds like nepotism and sexism are happening.
He might be messing up all the time and it is being covered up because of his relationships. Until I worked in health care I did not know how many surgeons have surgeons for children and grandchildren. You learned to pay attention because as a woman you would have failed if you had not paid attention.
Good luck.” KittyC217
2. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be My Partner's Kids' Stepmom?
“I have been with my partner for almost 3 years and moved in 4 months ago. He has 6 kids. He has 2 adult sons, a 17-year-old son, 15-year-old daughter, 14-year-old son, and 7-year-old son. He has custody of his youngest son 2 days during the week and every other weekend.
The teenage kids no longer follow any custody agreement and split time between parents how they choose.
I would say I have a fairly good relationship with his kids, and I actually enjoy spending time with them.
One of the things that annoys me is they often eat food I specifically brought for myself, so when I go and grab a snack there’s nothing to eat.
This happens frequently and even when I tell them something is for me, they eat it. My partner’s daughter regularly uses the master bathroom as it’s the only one with a bath, but she never cleans up after herself and uses my products and when I mention it, she just shrugs me off.
A couple of nights ago my partner was out of town and the 3 teens still spent the night at his place. I kept to myself and let them do their own thing. I made myself some dinner and when I was almost done two of the kids and one of their friends came into the kitchen.
The daughter asked why I hadn’t asked them if they wanted anything, and I replied that they know how to sort themselves out and that I’m not their chef. She ended up making dinner for her brothers and her friend.
Afterward, she told me she had washed up from their dinner and had left mine. I told her that was fine and that I wouldn’t expect her to. She went on to again comment on me not asking about what everybody else was doing for dinner.
I again told her that wasn’t my business. I elaborated with her and told her I wasn’t looking to be her stepmom and that she should treat me like a roommate. That means respecting my space, belongings, and privacy, as well as not expecting me to cook/clean for her, but also knowing that I won’t make her do chores for me.
I brought up them eating my food, and using my bathroom and products. I made it clear it goes both ways and that we can have a good relationship if the expectation of the relationship isn’t a mother/daughter dynamic.
At some point, she told her dad what I said. When he confronted me, I told him that’s how I feel and that I thought we were on the same page about his kids. He claimed that his not wanting me to parent his kids is different from me treating them like a roommate.
He points out his kids cook for themselves and for the family all the time and help each other with things they need (eg oldest giving rides, babysitting, reading/playing with the youngest). He thinks this makes it seem like I don’t want to be part of his family at all.
I told him that isn’t true as I enjoy my time with his kids but that doesn’t mean I want to end up in a position where I’m their maid. I’m also not against the nature of my relationship with his kids changing as our relationship continues.
Am I being the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You can’t exactly say you don’t want to be a stepmother when you are in a relationship with a man with 4 children.
Like it or not if your relationship actually goes anywhere you will be a stepmother.
If this is a deal breaker for you then walk away.
It’s difficult to comment on the other things you say annoy you. You talk about moving in with him, so I’m assuming it’s his house. If that’s the case you really have no right to then have a problem with his daughter using the bath, she has likely always done it, and you’re the new person here.
The foodstuff is also hard to tell who is in the wrong. Who pays for everything? If he pays for more than half then you don’t really have a leg to stand on to demand his food but refuse to share your own.
No one is trying to make you into their maid just because they thought you would make them dinner on this one occasion.” Automatic-River-1875
Another User Comments:
“YTJ but not for the way you feel about parenting – for having the conversation with the kids without having it with your partner.
You two needed to be on the same page about this before you had that conversation, and he should have been part of the conversation when it happened.
And I agree with him that there’s a big area between ‘not a parent’ and ‘basically just a roommate’.
They’re minors who live in your home. You can’t treat them like fully adult roommates. You have an adult responsibility for them more like a non-parent family member. That doesn’t mean you have to cook for them regularly or clean up after them more than a little, and definitely doesn’t mean they can use your stuff without permission, but ‘an equal relationship between roommates’ isn’t the appropriate role here either.
If you think it is, you and your partner really needed to talk about that much earlier.” Amaranthesque
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This is what happens when you’re with someone who has six children! You aren’t a stepmother, you’re a live-in partner shacking up with their dad but to the kids, they probably just see you as another grown-up in their lives.
Sometimes kids have dumb expectations. You can say no and set boundaries without calling them roommates. You could say you just want to be a friend to them or an aunt-like figure. But coming into a blended family and calling yourself a roommate is silly.” BabyD2034
1. AITJ For Being Embarrassed By My Partner's Being Religious?
“My partner was raised in a very small religious group that, among other very bizarre things, that all religions were all connected, so anyone that was a part of any faith would be a part of all of them. I’m not really explaining this right because I don’t really understand it myself and as she would even say, it’s insane to begin with.
This extended to believing that any religious text or symbol also fully belonged to them. I don’t know that much more about it except that she had to go through special therapy when social services removed her from the home and that she has a LOT of various religious… stuff from that time that she would have stolen from her parents and sister.
Obviously, I’m not criticizing her collection. I mean it’s weird, but everyone has their ways of coping. The problem is that she has no issue wearing it, and wearing pieces that would conflict with each other. As far as I know, some of those symbols are things you should only be wearing if you’re part of that faith, and some of them can’t be worn together at all.
I’ve had to field comments about how offensive it is, and I have to agree. I’ve tried to talk to her about it, but all she says is that it’s okay because she’s ‘reclaiming’ it from her childhood and that wearing them makes her feel more confident because she ‘won them’ from the group she was raised in.
I asked her to talk to her therapist about it, but he backed her and said that it was okay. I tried to be understanding, but it was just getting embarrassing.
Am I really in the wrong here?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I don’t know why you would think you have to explain your partner’s behavior to anyone, you should just direct them to her. And it’s obvious she has been through some very damaging childhood traumas, her literal qualified professional therapist had told her it’s a fine way of coping so you don’t really have a leg to stand on here.
Just a side note though: If you find how your partner deals with trauma embarrassing then you probably shouldn’t be with her.” International-Fee255
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s not your business. If people complain to you about it, direct them to speak to your partner.
You don’t need to run interference or protect her from other people’s views, either. Let her deal with them. You either need to simply accept it as part of her that isn’t going to change, or break up with her and find someone who does things you prefer.
This is who she is and from what you’ve said, it’s a significant part of her life and she has a lot of trauma around it. It’s an accept or reject situation. You can ask her to change, but don’t stay in the relationship being resentful that she won’t change in a way that is more convenient and less embarrassing to you.” DesignedPax
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You said, in her religion, all religions are connected. Which means the symbols are connected. But you’re disconnecting them, from what they mean in her religion, and reconnecting them with religions you do understand. Symbols coexist across a number of religions.
At the end of the day. Your partner has a particular religious flare in her style of dressing. Get into it, or move on.” Lopsided_Respect_158
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