People Try To Charm Their Way Out Of These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
27. AITJ For Leaving Most Of My Estate To My Autistic Brother Instead Of My Wife And Kids?
“I have been married for 22 years. Unfortunately, I was recently diagnosed with cancer, we caught it early and my prognosis is good, but you never know so I am getting things in order just in case. Now my wife and I have two beautiful children, and I have ensured they will be well cared for.
They have a decent amount saved for college, we have funded savings, and both my wife and I have well-paying careers.
My younger brother is nonverbal on the spectrum. I have been supporting him since I started to work, and being as our parents are gone–I am all he has.
My logic is as follows my wife has a stable career that makes good money, and she has everything we amassed together such as the house, my retirement plan, etc.
One of my hobbies is real estate so I do own a modest amount of property and rental units.
I wish to leave all of that in a trust with my younger brother as the sole beneficiary, I also wish to leave him my portfolio. With all of that, he will be well taken care of. My wife is not exactly pleased with this idea.
I have done my best to explain my reasoning and told her God forbid if anything were to happen to me I want all the people I love to be well taken care of.
Yes, in the grand scheme m, my brother will make out better in terms of monthly income, but my wife and kids 100% will be getting my life insurance policy which is not a small amount either, enough for her in theory to live very comfortably while also giving a large sum to each of our children.
So am I the jerk in this case? My wife said some harsh things, which got me thinking not sure if she meant them or not given the possibility of the situation but yeah. She asked for space, so here I am.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ Your wife may have a good income now but that may not always be the case. Why not leave everything to a trust and. split according to expenses? Your wife and kids are 3 people with expenses from 3. people. Your brother is only one person so I fail to understand why you would leave him with more monthly income than your WIFE and KIDS. You said your brother doesn’t have anyone to help him, does your wife? Honestly, if I were married to you and you told me you were leaving your brother more monthly income than me and our kids, I would be so hurt I’m not sure I would be able to continue forward with the marriage. Your wife is the one who has been by your side for 22 years, she will be the one to help you and share in the hardships of your cancer, but you think your brother is more deserving of your financial support after you are gone. Do you hate your wife? Also if you are in the US your brother should qualify for Social Security and Medicare and without having a home or car his expenses would be vastly less than a wife and 2 kids so I cannot fathom why you leave him with a lot more financial support than your wife and kids. That is just wrong, IMO. I think this setup only guarantees one person, your brother, a high standard of care, not all 3 people should something catastrophic happen to any one of them (early onset Alzheimer’s, a car accident at the hands of a heavy drinker, a college hazing accident, medical mistake, anything can happen.) early Alzheimer’s unit, schizophrenia unit can cost as much as 12K a month.
I am not advocating for your brother to have anything but rather for you to make provisions for the “worse case scenario” for your wife and kids as well as your brother, so all can benefit from a high level of care should they need it, by not assigning the bulk of your estate to your brother but by putting every in a central trust and paying out based upon expenses, medical needs, and cost of day to day living.” Gladtobealive2020
Another User Comments:
“YTJ mostly for not discussing it with her and instead presenting it all as a final position. I’d be incredibly hurt if my financial future was decided without me by the person I’d been married to for 22 years. You could still make the final decision but why didn’t you have the conversation first?
You’d get to hear your wife’s opinions, see what concerns she had, and maybe she’d have some good ideas that you hadn’t thought of. She must be feeling quite upset at your diagnosis, vulnerable about the potential future without you, and then just told what would happen to your assets without any input from her.” Key-Twist596
Another User Comments:
“I went from earning over double what my husband does to having to quit due to medical issues. Luckily, I have a VA disability, so we’ll be okay. Have you considered what would happen if your wife or one of your kids became disabled and your wife was not able to work?
What if they need long-term care? What if your wife passed away after you but before your kids were independent? Would they still be okay?” PhysicsTeachMom
26. AITJ For Not Inviting My Dad And His Family To Events Anymore Due To Their Constant No-Shows?
“I (21f) have never had a good relationship with my (43m) dad, his (41f) wife, and her (24f) daughter. (I also have two younger siblings by them) I used to go see them over the summer and stopped at 14 but over the past 3 1/2 years. I have been trying to rebuild a relationship with him for my kids.
I have a (2yo) son and I’m 31 weeks pregnant with my little girl.
So my stepmom is the boss in the relationship because I can message him privately and she’ll message me back to the text through a group chat. Anyway, she always put her kids first in everything.
They were supposed to come to my baby shower but my son canceled because it was “too close to my stepsister’s baby shower” (hers was a month later) they also just canceled on coming to this one because my stepsister moved her wedding up a week.
No, she lives in Virginia. I live in Tennessee so either way they have to go through my state to go to her wedding and home. They were supposed to go home the day before my baby shower but gave an excuse why they still couldn’t come until after New Year’s.
They always have some excuse not to show up they couldn’t come to his birthday parties but could go to my stepsister’s daughter’s parties. Then said they would send gifts (nothing came) but they have always put me last in everything and now they’re doing the same things to my children, but still expect the privilege of being able to show when they feel like it or it would make them look good ( they always post pics when they are around like it’s a big thing) so would I be the jerk if I stopped inviting them to anything since they feel the necessary need to show up when it’s convenient for them??”
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ. All of these attempts at including them have led to so much disappointment. And you probably want your children to be used to them not going rather than hoping that they will come. Unless your father sincerely wants to extend an olive branch and apologize and give you equal treatment, then you’re gonna save yourself a lot of grief.
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think so. It sounds like they are making very little effort to be part of your life or your children’s lives, so why keep on trying and getting disappointed? You state you are trying to rebuild your relationship with your father for your kids.
Why? So he can consistently disappoint them too?” Meg1027
Another User Comments:
“NTJ The only thing that occurs to me as the in-between step is to continue inviting them but assume they’re not coming. Don’t tell your husband and children you invited them. Send the invite with relevant information then don’t follow up ask for an RSVP or try to confirm anything.
Don’t complain about them not coming. My concern is for you. How will you feel if you cut them out? Maybe you will feel relief. But if you invite them with no expectation of attendance perhaps you will feel you are keeping the door open for your father.
I don’t know I’m torn” Firm-Molasses-4913
25. AITJ For Asking My Friend To Stop Sharing My Personal Stories Without Permission?
“So my friend and I are both 16m and we were on a group hike assigned by the school with a group of people we don’t know very well, but who simultaneously aren’t strangers. He knows one of them quite well, as he sits next to her in some classes.
The girls in our group are all 16f.
So we were all in a jolly mood after scaling the last hill almost an hour before schedule, so we were all chatting about recent holidays and foods we liked, and I was telling them about where my family is from and nice stuff like that.
My friend “Logan” was chatting a bit on the side with the girl he knew who I’ll call “Ivana”.
He was reciting his whole father’s life story or something, I don’t know. When we all sat down, he started disclosing what seemed to me to be very personal information, like the exact rooms in his house, and his parents’ salaries, which seemed weird to me, but his stories.
But then he started talking about my family, with stories I only ever tell my very close friends, and I felt very uncomfortable. My family has a lot of conflicts, relating to my ex-stepmother, and a lot of it is quite ridiculous, and unfortunately, the girls got hooked and asked for a lot of details.
I didn’t want to be awkward so I answered their questions sufficiently, but with the least amount of detail I could (stupid of me, I know). I don’t know, but I don’t think any of them are too gossipy, but I’d rather they didn’t know the information.
So I’m thinking of asking Logan not to share stories that I haven’t given him permission to if they are personal of that nature. I know that it was not badly intentioned, he is sometimes very clueless though. So WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTA. You have the right to choose who to tell your stories and personal information.
I do find it weird your friend is sharing on your behalf, especially since it’s not like you are all in a close group of friends. It would be perfectly fine to tell him not to share your story with others and let him know that it makes you uncomfortable.
Maybe I am thinking too much about it, but the fact that the people you don’t know much got interested and kept asking for details is a bit awkward or even a little concerning. It makes me think that the story could be shared just for the sake of entertainment and people could be gossiping about you.
If your friend wants to impress other people he can stick to his background.” Dizzy-Potato3557
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like your friend might be a little socially awkward, and wanted to appear interesting to the girls so he over-shared. I think you’d be fine telling him that you’re not comfortable with those stories being shared, and told him only because you’re so close.
Otherwise, I’d be afraid he’d still tell them when you’re not around, especially because he got a lot of attention from them. And if he does still tell your stories, then that would show he’s not such a great friend, unfortunately.” Jolly_Cartoonist_258
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. School him on this boundary. It’s not cool at all. He can over-disclose about himself but not about others. I would not tell him anything else personal because he’s shown that he doesn’t get it. Your business isn’t his to use to entertain a group of people because he’s not interesting enough to hold their attention himself.” Nice_Mine2708
24. AITJ For Not Responding Promptly To A Stranger's Texts?
“I am currently in college and taking a course on insects, and for this, we have to go out and collect them. I met this stranger when I was out collecting some.
He had asked what I was doing and I talked to him about it for a bit (I do a lot of outreach with insects so this is normal for me).
Afterwards, we started talking about life and such and we ended up exchanging numbers.
I didn’t think much of it, but I went on my way.
He texted me the night we met and I had forgotten to respond, as I was busy with homework. The next day I was also busy when he sent me another text about insects and I didn’t think much about responding, as I am not a great texter and sometimes forget to respond for multiple days at a time.
Later that night he texted that he didn’t realize that I was “on my usual white morality and structure things” and to delete his number. I genuinely don’t know if I did anything wrong, but I hadn’t expected that. So I apologized when he responded that “it was fine but he already deleted my number, though if we see each other again say hi” I acknowledged that, deleted the contact, and wished him a good day and semester, to which he then said that he thought that I wouldn’t want him to have my number and to delete his if that was the case.
I haven’t responded.
Am I the jerk? I want to be able to learn if I did do something wrong and what I can do to be better. I’m not looking to be right if I’m not, I want to be better if I did do something wrong so I don’t hurt others in the future.”
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. You are under no obligation to set your life aside to respond to a text from a stranger in less than 48 hours of their text. You’re not obligated to text at all, although I supposed if you give your # out, it’s kind of rude to then not reply.” MishoneIsMyFavorite
Another User Comments:
“NTJ At worst, this guy is a predator, at best, he’s bonkers and would be hard work to be friends with: there’s no law that investment of your time and emotional energy beyond basic human courtesy and respect has to be equal opportunities.
You have no obligation to respond to any communication from casual acquaintances on THEIR timescales. From the weird thing about the ‘usual white morality etc’ – I would go with bonkers – he doesn’t know you, so how does he know what’s “usual”? This is the kind of bonkers that could turn predatory, I think you dodged a bullet as he played the “you have to be nice to me because … ” card and is now trying to lay on a guilt trip.” TeenySod
23. AITJ For Refusing To Give My Friend $25 While On Vacation?
“My friend and I used to be inseparable. I loved her like a sister and did just about anything for her. Over time we grew apart. I had goals and dreams that I wanted to pursue while she only wanted to do nothing all day and play video games.
Nothing wrong with that lifestyle. I just did not want to be a part of it anymore. Fast forward years later and I was able to excel in my career the way I wanted and live the life that I imagined. I kept in touch with my friend every once in a while but we were still not as close as we used to be.
She had fallen on hard times and it made me feel sad to see it. I let her know that I would help her out whenever I was able to. This turned into her asking for money frequently. It was like clockwork, the day I would get paid she’d ask for anywhere from 10 to 25 dollars.
It didn’t make me feel good after a while.
Especially since she never asked me how I was doing or if I wanted to hang out, just a money request, it was getting old. This last time I was on vacation. She was messaging me frantically for 25 dollars.
I straight up told her no I don’t have it this time. She responded by saying ” I must have to be a man to get something huh?” Trying to insinuate that I care about men more and pointing to an example of another dude I had given money to and my partner who she mentioned gets whatever he wants.
She then stated how she was going through a lot that day and the only thing she wanted was a sandwich and something to drink. I felt bad for essentially being a reason she would not be able to eat that day but I doubled down on not giving her the 25 dollars especially since she was acting like I owed her this.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ why do think you are the reason she didn’t eat?? Did you force her to do nothing and play games instead of working on a career? Did you spend her money on nothing and games? No, and no.. So she put herself in this position.
She chose her life’s path. Stop giving her money. She does not see you as a friend. She sees you as a funds machine. You should have replied to her very rude insulting comment and said no you don’t need to be a man, what you need is a job.
Just stop being her doormat. She doesn’t care about you at all. Or keep enabling her and you will be the jerk. Did you ever think that if you stopped giving her money she may learn by necessity to take responsibility for herself? By giving her money you are just encouraging and supporting her horrible lifestyle.
Quit being her enabler. You are just hurting her in the long run. Why can’t you see what a fool you have been? So obvious.” ReindeerPopular8391
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She views your money as her money since she’s close to OP like a “sister”.
But agree, it becomes super distasteful when she hits you up frequently after payday. You can tell her you’ve been generous with her in the past, but you can’t continue to fund her asks. She needs to find the funds for the things she wants from her wallet.
I suspect she likely views you also as an ATM if you make more than her.” Snackinpenguin
22. AITJ For Skipping Intimate Scenes While Reviewing My Friend's Romance Novel?
“So I’m a writer who has had 2 short story collections published along with some things in literary magazines. In other words, I write navel gazing literary fiction about women in their 20s with limited appeal to the masses.
It’s what I like to read, it’s what I like to write. And my friends know this.
My friend ‘Chelsie’ is also a writer and asked me if I could read her romance novel and give her feedback. She has other people giving her feedback as well.
I told her that I don’t really read romance, so I’m not her target audience, but I would give her the best feedback I could.
So about a month after I gave Chelsie my feedback, we’re hanging out with some friends and chatting about books, and I happened to mention that I generally skip intimate scenes and overly romantic scenes in books.
I’ve just never wanted to read about fictional people being intimate. It’s weird to me, same as I’ve never really gotten into the whole watching explicit content thing. I skip intimate scenes in movies, TV, etc. It’s just boring filler to me, like someone reading off a list of numbers or something.
Anyway, Chelsie perked up and asked me what I thought about the scenes in her books since I gave feedback. I told her that I’d skipped that part. She got offended and asked me why I hadn’t said that to her. I didn’t think I had to – I was mostly giving her feedback on the writing style, dialogue, word choice, etc.
She has taken this to mean that I skimmed the whole thing and thought her intimate scenes were boring and badly written, and made a few snippy comments about the books I read and how boring and pretentious they are. Which, sure. I know plenty of people find them boring.
I told her that I’d warned her I wasn’t her target audience. She told me that didn’t matter and I should have told her I was only going to skim her book. Was/am I wrong?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You warned her ahead of time that you weren’t her audience, and you treated her book like you would have treated any other book with the same material. It wasn’t personal. I personally also find intimacy in books really boring, unless something else happens during the intimate scenes that furthers the plot.
I’m not squeamish or modest or anything, I just don’t care. I don’t read romance at all because I also find that really really boring. You had every right to treat the book like you would have if you had grabbed it from the library or a store, and you did.
As an author, she’s going to need to learn not to take things like this personally. You didn’t ask her to write the book, you didn’t ask to read it, and you weren’t required to read the parts you were bored with.
Wait until she learns what DNF means. ” Skorpion_Snugs
Another User Comments:
“Unpopular opinion, but ESH. I’ve been a beta reader and I’ve been in writing groups before. The point is not to read something for the fun of it. You’ve never read something you didn’t like for school or work?
Admittedly, yes – this is a favor. But you agreed to do this favor. And the favor is giving up your time to read and critique this piece of text. Whether it’s your genre or something you’d read for pleasure is irrelevant. So, you could have chosen to tell your friend you didn’t have the time/energy to do this.
Or just didn’t want to. Instead, you committed to this favor and then basically flaked. At least partially. And then – you didn’t tell her. Which you definitely should have. On the other hand, it does sound like she pressured you a bit, and then made rude comments about your books.
Also not ok. So yeah, she doesn’t sound that great either.” Sure-Beach-9560
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Skipping portions of the book and then assuming she should know that you’d skip them is airheaded. You didn’t tell her up front that you would skip intimate scenes, all you said was that you weren’t her target audience.
If you can’t actually give feedback, don’t commit to it.” barfbat
21. AITJ For Keeping My Major Promotion A Secret From My Struggling Partner?
“I (24T) work as a real estate agent and recently landed a major promotion at my firm. After years of hard work, I was offered the position of Senior Realtor with a significant raise and additional responsibilities, including managing a small team of agents.
It’s something I’ve dreamed of for years, and I’m really proud of my achievements.
However, my significant other (36M) has been struggling with his career. He’s been in a bit of a rut for the past two years, and despite sending out countless job applications, he hasn’t had any luck securing a position in his field.
His self-esteem has taken a hit, and he’s been increasingly sensitive about anything related to work or success.
When I got the promotion, I was ecstatic and couldn’t wait to share the news, but then I hesitated. We’ve had conversations before where he expressed jealousy or frustration when I mentioned doing well in my career.
I didn’t want to make him feel worse, especially since I know how hard he’s been trying to get back on track. I didn’t want to come across as bragging or rubbing my success in his face, so I decided not to tell him.
It’s been a few weeks now, and I’ve been keeping this secret. I’ve celebrated with my colleagues and even told my family, but every time I’m with my significant other, I downplay anything work-related. I’m afraid he’ll see my promotion as a reminder of his own struggles and that it’ll create unnecessary tension in our relationship.
But now I’m feeling guilty. He’s my significant other, and I feel like I should be able to share these important milestones with him. At the same time, I don’t want to make him feel worse when he’s already going through a rough time.
I’m torn between supporting him emotionally and being honest about my own success.
So, AITJ for keeping my promotion a secret from my significant other to avoid making him feel jealous or insecure? Should I have told him right away, or was it okay to hold off, given the circumstances?”
Another User Comments:
“OP in a good and healthy relationship you celebrate each other’s successes, if you have to tiptoe around someone because they will act volatile towards you I have to wonder is this really a relationship you want to stay in? Look I know it’s a tough job market out there but its not fair on you that you can’t enjoy your own life because he can’t be happy for you” ColdstreamCapple
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Why are you in this relationship with a much older man from whom you have to keep secrets to stop him from feeling inadequate? Why are you wasting your youth and success on someone you can’t fully share your life with because of his insecurities?
Congratulations on your promotion and best wishes for finding a proper relationship.” Pleasant_Birthday_77
Another User Comments:
“This is not a jerk situation. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. When I read your story, I saw exactly the story of me and my significant other (different careers, but same context).
I am the one struggling, and my husband just got told he could get yet another promotion. He told me. Yes, it stings because I am so jealous of him. But he is my significant other, and I am proud and happy for him. My career and my issues shouldn’t hold him back.
Tell him. He is your significant other, he deserves to know. If he really loves you, he’ll be happy all the same.” IrrelevantManatee
20. AITJ For Telling My Widowed Mother To Start Living Her Life?
“My (33F) mother (69F) recently became a widow – my dad passed away in April, after a 2-year battle with cancer. I loved my father, but he had such a strong, overbearing presence that I often felt that my mother sublimated herself during their marriage; she never did anything on her own, she just went along with whatever my father decided, she let him raise my brother and I the way he saw fit, and so on.
She also never left the country because my father thought traveling was a waste of money, and one day she told me how terrified she was whenever she saw me get on a plane (traveling is one of the things I value the most). A few months before my dad died, she told me that the greatest adventure of her life was the one time she took the Greyhound alone to visit her sister when the bus stopped at a road station and she got out all by herself to grab a cup of coffee.
That made me so sad.
Now, my aunt (the same sister she went to visit that time) is going on a cruise, and my mother told me she’d been invited to go along. I, of course, encouraged her to go: she has the time, she has the money, and nothing is stopping her.
But she immediately came up with a bunch of excuses not to go, so I insisted, and told her it was about time she started living.
She got very serious when I made this comment, though. She says that just because she made different choices, that doesn’t mean she’s wasted her life.
I told her that’s what it seemed to me, and brought back that Greyhound story she’d told me. She says she was just sharing something with me, not asking to be judged. I feel I didn’t mean anything hurtful and was only looking out for her, but I wonder if could’ve been the jerk here.”
Another User Comments:
“You know, I have lived in many countries and traveled all over the world and I find YTJ. I find your mum’s story extremely touching because for it required great courage. Her victories are probably triflings for you and most people, but they are her little acts of bravery.
She’s right, you’re judging her on that and you don’t know her. I don’t see travel as anything other than buying a ticket to go from A to B. It’s the experiences and the challenges that make it special, and for some people, they don’t need to go far to get that.
I get tired of people making a big deal out of travelling when in their minds they’re not thinking far or challenging themselves. I don’t mean you OP. I don’t know you well enough. But if your mum finds pleasure in the simpler things then let her be.
It’s all the better to enjoy simplicity. She doesn’t need to fulfill your bucket list of adventures. ” Money_System1026
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You judge your mom based on what YOU think a relationship should look and feel like. Not to mention, you were a kid, who was only privy to part of their marriage.
The part where they were your parents. This is before we get to the point where you told her to just get over losing her life partner. Yep. Huge jerk behavior. Keep your nose out and your opinions to yourself. If you can’t support your mother through her grief, then at least don’t rub her face in it ” Good-Statement-9658.
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I don’t like to travel. I travel mainly to catch up with friends and relatives. I don’t judge people who love to travel for being frivolous and leaving a bigger carbon footprint. Maybe instead of trying to guilt her into something that she has shown no inclination in, you could sit down and get her to tell you something she’s always liked to try but never had the time/resources to do so.
Maybe you could offer to do it together with her as a hobby buddy.” remix
19. AITJ For Not Wanting To Leave My Kids With My Wife's Irresponsible Brother In Korea?
“My wife (30F) and I (36M) are planning a big trip to Korea to finally meet her family. It’s been a long time coming! My wife has a huge family – 5 sisters and a younger brother who, honestly, she’s always painted as a bit of a spoiled man-child.
We’ve never met her family before for various reasons, and this trip is stressing my wife out big time. Her family has high expectations, and she feels a ton of pressure to make everyone happy.
While we were planning the trip, my wife suggested something that threw me off: leaving our little kids (3 and 2) with her brother for a day so we could have some alone time.
I laughed at first, thinking she was joking, because she’s always complained about how irresponsible he is. But when I realized she was serious, I had to explain why I wasn’t comfortable with the idea:
* Her brother’s not exactly the responsible type: My wife’s always talked about how he’s not reliable and makes bad decisions.
* The language barrier: Our kids mainly speak English, and her brother doesn’t know much English. That could be a problem for communication and safety.
* Our son’s severe peanut allergy: This is a serious issue that needs careful attention, and I’m worried about miscommunication with her brother.
My wife got upset, saying I didn’t want to spend time with her and that I was being unfair to her brother. I tried to explain that I’m just worried about our kids, especially given what she’s told me about him in the past.
I’ve been trying my best to help with the trip planning, but the cultural differences and the fact that the plans keep changing are making it tough.
I’m even thinking about suggesting we postpone the trip until we can figure out a less stressful plan, but I don’t want to upset her family or seem like I’m not being supportive.
So, AITJ for not wanting to leave my kids with my wife’s brother?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your kids are 3 and 2 and they don’t even speak the language there. If something happens what would they even do? And you’re not the one who said he was irresponsible, she said it. And she hasn’t even seen him in years, she doesn’t know what he’s like.
And the kids are just too young to even communicate if something happens to them. You should also look up the 4B movement in South Korea, I would not leave kids alone with this guy that you have never met.” Unhappy-Prune-9914
Another User Comments:
“No, your small children with serious allergies and sparse Korean language skills cannot stay with someone you don’t know who can’t communicate with them.
That’s reasonable. Your wife should be as concerned as you are, and the fact she’s not is worrisome. No matter what, you need to put your foot down on this one. Let her go on a day trip by herself if she needs a break, or promise her a trip together when you get back and can leave the kids with a trusted adult.
If you need to, refuse to go. This is weird and sounds kind of dangerous for the kids.” unled_horse
Another User Comments:
“There are different types of irresponsible. One can be irresponsible in getting a job or paying bills but can be a loving and doting caretaker of children.
However, with the language barrier, peanut allergy, and him not being familiar with your children I can understand your hesitancy. Maybe while there if he proves to you he can be a good caretaker your opinion may change. I thought an overwhelming majority of South Koreans spoke English!?” Icy_Scratch7822
18. AITJ For Telling My Partner I Can't Afford An Expensive Christmas Gift For Him?
“My partner (18M) and I (18F) have been together for 5 months, but have been friends since 7th grade. My partner and I have both been working since we were sophomores and as of senior year he worked a good-paying job (around $800-1k a week) and I worked a $9/hr + tips job.
Recently I quit my job due to college and the long commute, but my partner is still working. Since the beginning of my senior year, my partner has paid for my food, and we went on an expensive summer trip for my birthday fully paid for by him.
Whenever I could I would pay for some of his things, but my paychecks would frequently be less than $300 biweekly so it would be difficult sometimes.
A couple of days ago he asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I asked what my budget was to come up with an appropriate gift. He said I had around a $200-$300 budget and I told him what I wanted. He then asked what his budget was and I said “Maybe around $50 seeing as though I don’t have a job”.
He got a little disappointed and asked if the budget could be $100, but I explained that I am trying to prioritize school currently, and I don’t see myself getting a job until next semester when I get a car. I then stated that I wouldn’t just get him a $50 gift, I would get him a handmade sentimental gift like a couple’s scrapbook.
After I mentioned the sentimental gift he said “Why would I want that?” and I was a little disappointed. I wish I could afford a good enough gift for him, but that’s difficult without a job. He’s been bringing up how much money he’s spent on me lately and it makes me feel bad because I never asked him to do so.
Even with a $50, I would have to save money from now until Christmas, and I don’t even know if he would fully enjoy the gift. So AITJ for telling my partner I don’t think I can afford a good enough gift for him.”
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ for being honest about what you can afford- but it was a jerk move when the topic came up to not immediately jump in & say ‘Before we say anything else- I don’t have a lot of money for gifts this year & can’t get myself into a hole.
Let’s do things a little different &….’ & then come up with ideas- everything from under $50, or homemade, or instead of gifts let’s go see Trans Siberian Orchestra or a date night…’ When you asked for a range & he said $200-$300 & you knew that’s out of your budget but told him what you wanted- that falls into jerk territory…” Rosietheriveter15
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Instead of saying. Hey, I can only afford $50-100 for your gift, can we set that as our budget for each other? You asked what yours would be knowing it would be a lot more than you could reciprocate. It sounds/seems greedy.
There are plenty of cheaper, thoughtful gifts you can get if you know what his interests are.” CrabbiestAsp
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – If you can’t afford more than a $50 gift, you can’t afford it. What I would do is tell your partner that you both cap the cost of your exchanged gifts to $50.
So he can get a break from spending so much and you can feel less guilty. Easy-peasy.” PumpkinPowerful3292
17. AITJ For Rejecting My Friend's Moving Help Due To Logistical Issues?
“I (26f) am currently in the process of moving to a new city.
I’ve only ever driven tiny cars in my life and currently only drive very occasionally so I considered getting a moving company because I don’t feel comfortable driving a large van, especially in a city. A friend of mine (26m) heard about this and offered to drive the van for me which would save me a lot of money and is a very generous offer from him.
We started discussing dates and found a weekend that kind of worked for both of us. The problem is however that he has plans on Sunday and there’s a football match he would like to attend at the stadium on Saturday. So his suggestion was to load the van in the morning, attend the match (together) in the afternoon, and then drive to the new city afterward which is a 4-5 hour drive from where I currently live.
I have a few logistical issues with this: I don’t feel comfortable leaving a van with literally all of my belongings in some street for several hours while I’m at a stadium, and since the drive is so long we’d arrive in the new city late at night (probably around midnight) so I’d probably struggle to find people to help us unload the van.
I thanked him for the offer but said something along the lines that this particular weekend might not work very well for the reasons I described above. I suggested trying to find another weekend that works for us, or if it doesn’t I could go with a moving company after all.
He then became quite angry at me, calling me ungrateful and that he was doing me a huge favor so I shouldn’t make any demands.
I totally get that point on a theoretical level but those logistical issues really are a dealbreaker for me. Also from my perspective, even when I’m offering help to friends I’d try to find a solution that works for both parties.
So AITJ for how I behaved in this situation?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ…his plan seems is a mess and not logical. Dunno where u moving but moving stuff at midnight you going to need to be careful not to make noise and like you said impossible to find people to help.
Not sure but if he is watching a game, he might have some drinks and not be able to drive after the game. Dunno seems it’s a recipe for disaster, just pay the moving company at least u sure to get it done.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – he isn’t free that weekend if he has such extensive plans! Does he need a vehicle to get to the game and that’s why he’s offered? Does he not realize how much effort moving is? Either way, he isn’t available despite what he says so he needs to accept that.” According-Let3541
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You are not making demands just telling him what works for you and his suggestion doesn’t. So thank him for wanting to help and you appreciate it, but you will just go with a mover. This shouldn’t be so complicated and he is making it so and in the end, is he helping you?” PumpkinPowerful3292
16. AITJ For Telling My Lawyer Aspiring Brother That His Argumentative Nature Is Why He Has No Friends?
“So I (18M) have an older brother (23M) who aspires to be a lawyer someday.
However, I feel like he might be taking his ambitions a bit too literally. Don’t get me wrong, I do admire how he stands up for himself when someone accuses him of doing something that isn’t his fault but it gets annoying when it’s something he did wrong, and instead of just admitting he’s sorry and moving on he has to argue.
He has been struggling to make friends for as long as I can remember and he tells me that it’s because our mom placed him in a bad school when he was younger which didn’t allow him to mingle since most were bad influences.
But right now I believe that he too might have said something or acted in a certain way that made people dislike him. So onto the incident, yesterday, I came back home from some outdoor activities and found that my yogurt wasn’t in the fridge anymore.
I proceeded to look around and I found the empty carton in the fridge so I immediately went to confront my brother since he was the only one in the house when the yogurt was still in the fridge. He got defensive the moment I told him that I did tell him the night before that I was planning to eat my yogurt the next day and he shouldn’t touch it.
He started saying that I had also eaten his food before and that if I could dish it, then I could take it. However, that one was accidental and it happened a few months back. This one was more likely deliberate because unless his memory is one of a goldfish I don’t see how he can forget.
He could’ve asked me also. With that logic in mind, I just muttered that I can see why nobody wants to be friends with him. He got mad and tried to yell more but I just locked my room door shut and right now I’m wondering if I acted too immaturely.”
Another User Comments:
“Having managed a law firm, a lawyer that can’t admit he’s wrong is going to annoy a judge at some point and people will stop hiring him. He has to get along with clients, other lawyers, court clerks, record keepers, and administrative types.
If he annoys those people, we will soon see how well his court filings are handled, not scheduled, archived, etc. He will starve.” Dognutstogo
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, the unnecessary snide comment delivered solely to provoke a sense of hurt is what threw you over the line.
Your prior eating of his food makes you the jerk in that circumstance. However, justifications do not negate the label of jerk. Jerkishness is completely in the eye of the observer. In this circumstance, your brother is a jerk for eating your food. His attitude when confronted makes him a post-jerk jerk.
In total, for the collection of circumstances you’ve detailed, you were the jerk, then he responded to your jerkiness with jerkiness and then backed up into a jerk cul-de-sac upon confrontation.” cs24385
15. AITJ For Asking My Partner's Sister To Pay For The Expensive Drink She Spilled?
“So, this happened last weekend, and things have been tense since. I (28M) have been seeing my partner, **Sarah** (27F), for about a year now.
We were invited to a big family dinner at her parent’s house to celebrate her mom’s birthday. It was a formal event, so I decided to bring a bottle as a gift for the family—an expensive one, like, **$200**. I’m kind of a drink enthusiast, and I wanted to make a good impression.
Everything was going fine until Sarah’s sister, Megan (24F), who had already had a couple of glasses of wine, got a little tipsy and clumsy. She knocked over my expensive bottle, shattering it on the floor. My prized wine was wasted—**$200 gone in an instant**—and she just laughed it off like it was no big deal, saying, “Oops, sorry!” and continued talking.
I didn’t want to cause a scene, but I was annoyed. I asked Megan if she could at least chip in to replace the bottle she destroyed. She got all defensive, saying it was an accident and that “nobody expected her to pay for things that break at family events.” She acted like I was the one being rude for even asking, and Sarah said it wasn’t the time or place to bring it up.
I dropped it during dinner, but later that night, I brought it up again privately with Sarah, and she was upset with me, saying it was just a drink and I shouldn’t have made a big deal out of it. I pointed out that it wasn’t *just any drink*, it was expensive, and Megan should be more careful, especially since she was tipsy.
Sarah still thinks I’m being ridiculous and “stingy” for asking her sister to cover the cost, and now Megan refuses to apologize.
Now, Sarah’s family thinks I’m overreacting, but I feel like Megan should take responsibility for breaking something that valuable, even if it was an accident.
Am I the jerk for asking for the money, or is her sister just being inconsiderate?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ…Yes, it’s annoying. However, you brought the bottle as a gift for the family, and they don’t care. She shouldn’t have to chip in for a gift you’d already given.
Perhaps you were too generous to be giving that away, but you know what they say about hindsight…” RoyallyOakie
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Get over it. Liquid getting spilled when people are drinking is a risk you take. Honestly you just come off as snobbish and wanting everyone to know how much you spent on the bottle.
YTJ” Logical_Read9153
Another User Comments:
“You are the one who decided to spend a fortune, not your partner or her sister. You are 100% being a jerk. Accidents happen, if this bottle was so important to you you should have been guarding it more closely.
I’m not sure I buy “Oops, sorry” as a reaction to a bottle shattering on the floor, so I’m a little suspicious that this is even real. And just overall understand that being pretentious doesn’t often make a good impression. YTJ” Miserable_Dentist_70
14. AITJ For Choosing To Visit My Long-Distance Partner Over Buying Her An IPhone?
“I’ve been in a long-distance relationship with my partner for the past 1.2 years.
We’ve faced some tough times together, so I know she’s as committed to me as I am to her. However, over the past few months, she has been asking me to prove my love for her. When I asked what she meant, she explained that it would mean a lot to her if I could buy her something expensive, like an iPhone.
She knows that I just started working as an assistant professor at a university, and my salary barely covers my expenses. Because of this, I’ve even been considering taking on extra work. For the past year, I’ve been saving money to visit her this Christmas, a plan she has known about from the beginning.
But when I told her about my plan, she suggested I use the savings to buy her the gift instead and postpone seeing her until next year, saying, “We’re not going to break up as a couple anytime soon so come next year, and this will make me happy.”
I felt offended by her suggestion because she didn’t seem to recognize all the sacrifices I’d been making just to save money to see her. I’ve stopped eating out, and I haven’t bought a laptop, even though it’s mandatory for my job at the university (I usually have to borrow one from a colleague).
Waiting another year would mean enduring more lonely nights without being able to see her in person.
When I shared my feelings with her, she said that wanting to see her isn’t romantic but selfish because I’m prioritizing my desire to see her over her wish for an expensive gift. This made me feel bad and like a failure, because I couldn’t afford to provide something she wanted. It’s left me questioning whether I’m in the wrong here.
My action of rejecting her wish for the iPhone and choosing to keep the savings to visit her could make me seem like a jerk because it might appear that I’m unwilling to make a sacrifice for her happiness.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, but not because you rejected her request. She’s spelled out how she sees your role in this relationship.
She’s happy to maintain a long distance because she doesn’t need to see you and has specifically told you she’d rather have an expensive material item than see you in person. I’m not sure how you’ve heard this and not reassessed your relationship with this woman.
You’d be the jerk if you continue this relationship after being told how much she values you / your company.” Gypsy_Jazz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- She’s not your partner, she’s a scammer and most likely has multiple “partners”. She prefers expensive gifts to your presence.
Ask for gifts knowing that you don’t earn much, leave her. You may be naive but you’re not stupid, you must have found this strange. Take some of the money you saved for your trip and buy the computer you need for work and try to meet someone else.
Be happy.” OkBoat5656
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Red flag. I mean she’d rather you buy her something than see you, this does not bode well. Tell her she’s the selfish one because she wants you to spend money you don’t have on her and not even see her.
You’ve been hoodwinked! Just drop her. Buy your mandatory laptop and build your career. You’ll find someone who isn’t a gold digger.” Dangerous-Emu-7924
13. AITJ For Not Taking My Kids To Say Goodbye To Their Dad At The Airport?
“My husband and I have 2 little girls- 2.5 years and 1.5 years old. He travels a lot for work and I have been the default parent while also working full-time.
He has been away for a maximum of 1 month at a time before. We are very used to his travels and our marriage and relationship are solid as is his bond with our girls.
Now he has been tasked to stay 1 year away overseas for work.
I took a week off work to spend time with him with the kids but his flight got postponed by a week. I couldn’t take more time off work so I rejoined the office. Now he is due to fly off in the next 2 days.
I am taking a day off to spend with him and then his flight will be the next day.
Now I am adamant that I will not take our girls to see him off at the airport. We are clashing over this as he feels he needs to be able to spend every available moment he can with them till he gets on the plane.
I reason that both our toddlers are runners at the moment. They refuse to stay in a stroller for long and airport departures from check-in to boarding can get long. Also, my oldest is very attached to her dad, so I expect a proper meltdown when she says goodbye.
I also feel I need the final hours he has at the airport to be just mine with him. I cannot be stressing about the kids and I want to have a private personal goodbye with him. I have asked my mum to look after the girls when we go to the airport.
So WIBTJ if I don’t let my husband see the girls before he goes away? I can understand he is emotional about it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ—bringing kids that age to drive into an airport, get through crowds, and then see their dad off (something that WILL cause meltdowns) and then have to soothe two crying toddlers for an entire car ride home all with a full year of solo parenting to look forward to after that!?
He’s asking too much and not at all thinking of how things will go down for you once he’s on that plane and you’re alone with two inconsolable toddlers who have a penchant for running off. I wouldn’t do it.” Life-Sprinkles-8256
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It’s a difficult situation. He’s probably thinking that the kids won’t remember him when he gets back and they will have changed so much. Whatever you two agree to do is your decision. However, if there is any way to brainstorm a solution together, that would be great.
Maybe some Redditors can think of something better but here are my ideas, although I suppose you already considered them and there are reasons they won’t work: Can more people accompany you to the airport so you have runner-catchers if the kids suddenly go in different directions?
Is there a waiting area where they can run around safely while being reasonably controlled? Can your helper adults take the children to go get candy while you say goodbye and he boards so the oldest doesn’t see him leaving and have a goodbye meltdown? Both of you have valid reasons for your positions.
It’s just a lousy situation with no good answers. Hopefully, he will be able to talk to all of you online regularly so he can feel connected and you can both feel supported with the challenges you both will encounter.” latent
12. AITJ For Complaining About My Neighbor's Loud Shed Living Conditions?
“I understand how the economy is and why some people need to bend the rules.
But this is getting so frustrating for my family and I. I [49f] have been living on my street for close to 20 years. Yeah, it may not be the best area or neighborhood but generally everybody is polite and friendly.
I live in a house.
My next-door neighbors live in a multifamily house. Maybe with 7 tenants. I’ve gotten to know the landlord through the years. She’s a nice woman. Not very talkative but can’t complain. The landlord, Anne rents out the apartments and she lives in the basement which was a garage.
Her bedroom can only fit a twin bed. So a closet. I feel bad but it’s her life.
Anyways the real problem is with her son Bryan. He is in his mid-20s now and lives in a shed in their driveway. The shed has no water or plumbing.
Just a bed and TV. He goes into his mother’s apartment for water and plumbing. And he’s always had a cat. The shed is visible on the street when nobody is parked, so it’s not like I have to dig to see. His cat is always meowing and clawing at the shed window.
It’s very small. The size of a small bedroom maybe.
Bryan moved his partner in the shed and she has 2 cats. So there are 3 cats. Whenever you walk by this summer it smells like cat pee. At all hours of the night, I hear the shed door slam shut.
Bryan will walk outside in his undergarments. His partner will run with only a towel across the driveway to shower in the apartment.
There are loud fights. Music. All hours of the night. But most importantly I’m worried about those cats. One night it got to be too much so I knocked on the shed. The cats looked stressed. Pacing.
I said they needed to do something about the smell and the loud noises. He called me a Karen and a snitch and slams the door.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but times are hard I know full well my kids will be staying with me for a long time we may need to build a small cabin in the garden for the two eldest I live in the UK and rent prices where I live are impossible for anyone who’s under 30 our neighbors have built two cabins in their garden for their 14-year-old and 12-year-old two bedroom size cabins we’ve not reported them to the council because it’s their only option they can’t move etc but those kids barely make a sound never heard a thing.
What you’re dealing with isn’t great 3 cats in basically a shed is not ideal at all and isn’t fair on either the cats or their owners it can’t be clean for either as for the noise sounds like they don’t want to be reasonable and quieten down it’s so hard but you’re most definitely not the jerk” LegitimateStick5774
Another User Comments:
“NTJ If the landlady owns all that property what is she doing with all her income? She is not responsible for her adult son, or his partner, or the cats, but it seems very strange that they all live in such impoverished conditions You have not snitched on anyone! I don’t understand what the son is talking about.
Maybe he doesn’t understand what a snitch is. However if you do report them to animal welfare now, they will know it’s you.” Time-Tie-231
11. AITJ For Wanting To Control My Own 21st Birthday Plans?
“A week ago my SIL messaged me offering to host my 21st at my MIL’s house and I didn’t confirm anything because my fiance hasn’t been paid yet… Finances aren’t in the best shape right now, so I told her I didn’t want to confirm anything until closer to the day (which is today).
Then next day my friend (let’s call her C) told me my SIL invited her to the party, which I was happy about because C is my best friend. Another day after that, my SIL messaged me and said, “I thought the party was gonna be family only??” Which is strange considering she invited C.
To which I reminded her that she did. She then proceeded to get upset about it and say she no longer was going to host it because I hadn’t confirmed anything yet. Again, because I wasn’t sure if I could afford it. I accepted her stance and said so be it, she can stay out of it.
Now yesterday, she messages me again and immediately jumps right back into making plans, talking about the food she’s gonna make, about how she’s gonna pick up C and we’re gonna have it at her house. So I asked her if we could rather have it at my and my fiance’s house (we’re neighbors so it’s not out of the way for her) and if I could pick up C coz I had another friend I wanted to pick up.
Let’s call this friend R. Now my SIL knows R and can’t stand him, so I knew she wouldn’t want him at her house. She then texted me asking who the extra friend was that I was gonna pick up and when I mentioned his name she immediately said I should do my own thing and said she couldn’t believe I was not “accepting her hospitality”.
I told her it was my birthday and I felt I should have a say in how I wanted to celebrate it, so I told her to stay out of it permanently. She honestly always seems to make everything about her and I don’t want her drama…
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“The communication between you and your SIL is so confusing! If you don’t confirm that you want the party, I’d not be hosting it at all – particularly if you postponed your confirmation so late! She shouldn’t have been going ahead with the planning without your confirming the date, time, location, and guest list. Who’s paying and what the budget is should also be agreed well in advance, as should details like entertainment, type of food and drink, etc. At this point, if I were you, I’d cancel my 21st birthday entirely, make sure my SIL and all my friends and relatives knew it, and maybe organize a birthday party myself a few weeks down the road.
NTJ for both telling her to stay out of the party and (if you did it politely) declining her offer of hospitality.” SavingsRhubarb8746
Another User Comments:
“You need to stop being so undecided about things. If you can’t/prefer not to commit to something, say no and mean it.
Both you and SIL say things and then do/accept something else. How do you ever get things done going back and forth from yes to no to this to that? ESH” hadMcDofordinner
Another User Comments:
“ESH. How could the situation not have been cleared earlier: I did not confirm and she invited C.
From this point that’s already an announced mess! SIL is a jerk but you let her drag you in this. Until the day before the event you neither accept nor deny the event if I got it well? How is that possible?” Cyr2000
10. AITJ For Making Other Thanksgiving Plans After Not Receiving An Invite From My In-Laws?
“My husband and I have been together since 2015. We started seeing each other a few months before Thanksgiving that year. He lived with his parents at the time and we were invited for Thanksgiving dinner. After 2015, his parents decided to invite his ex-wife ( they had been divorced over 20 years by this time) and her new husband down every year to have Thanksgiving with them instead of us.
This hurts my husband as he feels they chose his ex over him. After years of trying, we finally got pregnant. I told my mother-in-law that if she wanted to spend the baby’s first Thanksgiving with her, she would need to make sure not to invite his ex this year.
We waited patiently for an invite.
A week before Thanksgiving, my parents needed to make plans, and we had still not been invited to his parents. So, we decided to go ahead and make plans with my parents. On Sunday, with only 4 days left until the holiday, I finally got a call from my mother-in-law.
She asked when we wanted to come, so I explained that since we hadn’t heard from her, we made plans for lunch at my mom’s and dinner at my dad’s. So I asked if we could make it a full day the next day- Friday.
She said ok that works. The next day she sent my husband a text that said “Sorry got to cancel, something came up”. Then on Thanksgiving day posted photos of his ex and her husband with comments about how they would always show up for her.
My husband feels betrayed and cut all communication with her ( he has personally discussed with her prior how he feels about the situation). She blames me for him cutting ties and tells everyone I won’t allow him to talk to her. Was I wrong for not assuming we were invited and making plans?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she’s choosing his ex and her new husband over her son, daughter-in-law, and grandchild? It’s up to your husband to sit down and have a talk with her about it, but after so many years, doubt it’ll be helpful.
You said it was making him uncomfortable, why hasn’t he said anything to her before?” UusiSisu
9. AITJ For Informing My Mum About My Incapable Nan Wanting A Dog?
“So my Nan is 88 and lives on her own. Her physical condition has come to the point that she needs people to come shower her, do her shopping, clean her house, and more. (She lives in another state.) She’s had strokes, she needs a walker, she’s in heart failure and she has other ailments.
Yet she’s adamant about not going into care, even though she’s not able to properly live alone without help anymore.
She wants another pet since her last dog was put to sleep but she’s in no condition to care for it AT ALL.
Her friend C (Who is a mean person) bought Nan dog bowls for her birthday so she has the intention there. Nan told me the dog was coming from Melbourne. She said: “Oh, I told your Mum I want to get a dog and she said nothing.”
I know why Mum said nothing was upset. I found these things out on a call with Nan last week, and I told Mum everything Nan had said about them including the dog bowls. Mum is angry and texts C to find out. C didn’t reply but my Nan tried to call Mum.
I feel intense guilt for telling Mum-I feel like a tattletale. However, Mum is visiting in a month to Nan and I didn’t want her to be blindsided by everything. I acted to help both as I feel Nan wanting a new dog is selfish.
She won’t be able to walk it, play with it, care for it and when she does pass we will have to rehome the dog. We feel she also wants the dog to have an excuse to not go into care.
So am I the jerk for telling my mother about the dog?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, as you did what was best for her (hopefully never to exist) dog. There may be a service that would allow her to spend time with dogs while she still can, and you might want to look into something like that.
Or maybe she can dogsit occasionally?” physis.
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Don’t feel like a tattletale, being a tattletale is when you tell an authority figure about something ultimately harmless in hopes of getting someone in trouble. What you did was prevent animal neglect.
Your nana is incapable of caring for an animal in the way a dog needs to have a good and fulfilling life. We went through my grandmother’s end of life recently and my mom talked a lot about how it was like being *her* parent now, of needing to prevent harm and make her do things that she needed to do but didn’t want to (like do her exercises and take her meds).
It’s difficult but it’s necessary” SheepPup.
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This poor dog does not deserve to live the life your nan can give it. Please push your mother to make sure that the dog is removed from Nan’s “care” and rehomed to someone who will look after, walk, and play with it.
While home aides will sometimes walk a client’s dog, it’s not a guarantee and your nan is incredibly selfish for expecting a dog to spend its only life shut inside being ignored just so she doesn’t have to go into a home. Perhaps it’s time for your mom to take that choice away from her.” [deleted]
8. AITJ For Not Wanting My Ex's New Partner At Our Daughter's Birthday Party?
“I (24F) have two children (3M and 1F) to my ex Simon (33M) although I’m still legally married to him I haven’t done the divorce paperwork, yet.
Simon’s partner Kate (30F used to be my best friend and was even a bridesmaid in our wedding) of almost a year has 3 children (9M, 5M and 2M). Yes, I was the nicest person for a few months after the breakup but I’ve changed myself through therapy, even Simon has acknowledged that as well.
I am civil towards Kate in front of my children and her children.
I have asked Simon multiple times if it can be just him when I take our children to the park or relatives’ houses, but Kate always shows up with her kids.
Simon has barely had the kids since we broke up because “it’s hard to juggle 5 kids” his words, not mine.
So onto the main reason for the post.
My daughter’s 2nd birthday is next week and Simon has arranged for myself, our children, and some others to go over to my in-laws for our daughter’s birthday.
I have asked Simon if it could be just him who could be present because when I’m present with Kate and her kids, Simon generally ignores our kids in favor of Kate’s kids.
Like bending over backward for them in front of our children and our children act differently around him, always having bad behavior after these visits.
Kate will repeatedly interject in my and Simon’s conversations even if it’s about our children. If Simon is helping Simon’s dad, she will stand near us almost as if watching us but not saying a word.
Whenever I bring it up to Simon, he gets defensive and goes on a tangent about how I’m unfairly excluding Kate.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ-Kate and her kids should be excluded. If your ex is giving others more of his time and treating them differently, then Kate and her kids need not be there for special occasions.
What you may need to do is talk with the in-laws and have them support you in not allowing Kate and her kids over during the party or you change the venue to one where you control the guests who enter. You can’t make someone be a better parent, but you and Simon need to set boundaries now on what is ok and not ok for her because she has no business putting her two cents into how you both raise your kids.” Sea-Tea-4130
Another User Comments:
“No judgment, you’re still getting used to the dynamics. You can’t invite Kate to someone else’s house, but you can go and support your children. Just be low-key about the whole thing, a 2-year-old doesn’t care about a birthday. Next year, have the party yourself and invite preschool friends” Tricky-Jellyfish-341.
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk. Have the party at your house. Invite your former in-laws, BIL, and ex. Even if it’s a bit small, they will accommodate you and your kids for this special day, knowing the situation you are in. Reading between the lines, Kate is a very controlling person and opportunistic, if the relationship only started after your separation, doubly so if it began before the separation.
She is showing a lot of insecurity in the few behaviors you’ve mentioned. Your ex sounds like someone who doesn’t know how to be alone, so is content at the moment with being strong-armed away from his kids and prioritizing hers. I understand your request, but you simply have no say over who attends someone else’s home.
Unless they specifically tell their son she’s not invited, you can’t do it on their behalf. Work with your therapist to understand boundaries, and how you can set them for yourself but cannot place them on others. Work protective boundaries into your custody agreement to protect your kids.
If they’re acting out now, it will only get worse as they become older and more aware of the unfair treatment they receive in their father’s home. Good luck. Divorce is never easy, but hopefully, you’ll work out the best arrangement in the end.” mimka79
7. AITJ For Not Wanting To Attend My Estranged Brother's Baby Shower?
“So, through no one’s fault, my older siblings and I are a bit estranged. My older brothers are 7 & 9 years older than me, we share a dad and they have the same mom.
Our father passed away when I was 7 and I was already only seeing him 1-2 times per year. They grew up much better off than I did and were teenagers when my father passed. At first, they stayed somewhat in contact but that fell away unless our grandparents flew in from out of state.
I also have a younger half-brother that I share a mom with and we are much closer, I don’t view him as a “half-sibling”. My older brothers, however, rarely make an effort to talk to me. The one I was closer with stopped talking to me completely when his wife blocked me due to differing opinions during a health crisis (I was an ICU nurse and unfollowed her because she was saying basically that the health crisis was fake when I was putting people in body bags) and… I haven’t heard anything from them (or my nephews) since.
The older brother rarely (if ever) reaches out to me, not even a happy birthday text or message even though their mom does. Whenever he would see me he would just cry – I feel like it may be traumatic to see me for them because I just serve as a reminder of my dad.
OK– so this oldest brother recently announced he and his partner are expecting and invited me to their baby shower. I’ve never even met his partner and haven’t heard a peep in like at least 4 years. I am going to be out of town anyway on the date of the shower but AITJ for thinking I wasn’t going to go regardless?
My husband says no, they obviously don’t care enough about me to make space in their life for you so why make it for them, you were a little kid and they decided not to engage with you. But I also feel sad that other than one cousin, they are the last link to my dad’s side of my family.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ…a baby shower is not the time to try and connect with you. Send your regards and wish them well, but you are unable to make it. If you want to, send a small gift, but do not feel obligated.” Worth-Season3645
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you want to go, go, if you don’t, don’t. You’re not morally obligated to go to everything your siblings do regardless of how close or not close you are. They probably wanted not to seem like they were excluding you.
Send a card and best wishes and don’t go. No reason to bite the hand they’re offering to you, but you aren’t obligated to go to this.” EffectiveOne236
6. AITJ For Setting Boundaries For My Mother During My Child's Hospital Stay?
“My child (7) just had a transplant. This has understandably been stressful for everyone in my family. After the surgery, my mother was visiting and I tried to have a conversation with her about how we were trying to be calm and peaceful in his room and let him rest and focus on healing.
As soon as I started speaking she seemed to interpret this as me telling her she was doing something wrong or incorrectly. I continued to try and explain that I wasn’t upset about anything she had done I just wanted to communicate what we were trying to do to make sure my child was healing.
She left the hospital and I ended up telling her that if she wasn’t going to listen to what I had to say in regards to my child’s care she would not be welcome at the hospital. This then turned into a variety of personal attacks such as text messages and a full-blown argument.
I have told her multiple times that she is not removed from the visitation list or banned from the hospital but she has to listen to what I say about his care.
Then she started telling me how everything I was doing was wrong and that I needed to do this and that differently.
Mainly in regard to how I choose to let him rest and give him space instead of holding his hand and talking the entire time. I told her that she was welcome to disagree but that it was my child and I would make the final decisions and I expected her to abide by them.
Now she is refusing to come to the hospital insisting that I told her she is not allowed. So my question is really.
AITJ for trying to get her to follow my rules while visiting my child and should I have done something different”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your child is 7. Your mother is a full-grown adult. The only feelings you should be focused on right now are your child’s. If your mom can’t understand that, it’s on her. Don’t change anything you are doing to appease your mom and block her right now if you need to.
You have enough stress to deal with. Without having to babysit your mother on top of it. The room needs to be serene for you, as well. Best wishes for a very smooth recovery and a long healthy life for your little one!” Own_Lack_4526
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I’ve had a similar experience when my child was in the NICU. There’s something about grandparents that makes them think that you need to be their child’s security blanket 24/7 but it’s just not healthy for the child or the parents.” Neutral_Guy_9
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You made a perfectly reasonable request, and then she ramped it up to 11. “Hey I want to make sure we don’t tax the kid, so please be quiet and give him space” isn’t an unreasonable thing to say. And you even said it pre-emptively so it wasn’t a correction.
She’s the one who took it as an accusation. And then she uninvited herself. She’s the one who jumped to conclusions. Good on you for putting your child first.” bennitori
5. AITJ For Telling My Wife We Should Have Waited To Marry Until We Could Afford A Better House?
“So me and my wife (24) have both, been married for 10 months, since we have moved into this house which is rent-free, she’s been complaining most of the time about the neighbors and having roaches sometimes.
I do agree with her, the house is not good and I do want to move out too, but I’m waiting to get a raise so we can afford somewhere better without having to worry about financial security.
So here’s the problem, each time she complains about the issues that I already know about, it kind of makes me feel bad because I feel like it’s because of me that she’s suffering.
A few days ago we went to check out an apartment, we agreed before we went that we would not move in we just wanted to check it out and see in future if we wanted to move in here or not, so we went there and she was trying to convince me that we can move in right now, and I did my math which it wasn’t very logical to move in right now since I haven’t gotten my raise yet.
This caused a fight between us and we both got very hurt, to be honest.
Then later we made peace again and she asked me if I regretted marrying her, which of course I said no because I do love her very very much.
Then she asked if I regretted marrying her early, I said I don’t regret marrying you early but I wish we could have waited a year maximum so we could have afforded somewhere better, she got very upset with this comment, I explained to her many times that I do love her very much and I don’t regret marrying her, it’s just to have a better house so we could avoid all this fights and problems.
So please tell me if I’m wrong here, if I am how can I fix this?”
Another User Comments:
“I’ll give you some advice. My husband had felt like he had been burned in several relationships, and on the first date, he let it be known that he didn’t want anything serious.
No kisses, holding hands, or intimacy. That was fine because it was our first date and I didn’t know him, but after a while of just being free, and I was like this is a great guy and I want something more. So I asked him why he didn’t want anything serious.
He said that he wanted the woman who was willing to ride in his expensive sports car and live in an expensive house to be the same woman who was willing to ride the bus with him and live in a shack. We started with nothing and in a 1 bedroom house on the bad side of town.
We now have a nice 4 bedroom home and several nice cars and a nice 5th wheel camper. He works a job and we have rental properties l. It’s been a lot of hard work coming from nothing. But if it all fell through tomorrow, I’d be waiting at the bus stop with him.
Is that your wife?” Little_Assist_5884
Another User Comments:
“Light YTJ, because I think this is a normal relationship problem early in a marriage. You say: >So here’s the problem, each time she complains about the issues that I already know about, it kinda makes me feel like a jerk, because I feel it because of me that she’s suffering But you don’t seem to understand that your wife maybe feels the same way about herself.
It sounds like she feels like you would have a better life if you married someone who earned more and could contribute more, or even if you were single and not burdened by her. She was maybe not going about it the best way, but she was looking for reassurance from you that you were still happy you married her and still happy with your marriage.
You pretty much told her you’re unhappy, and you would rather live in a nicer house than be married to her. Imagine if you told your wife you feel bad when she complains because you feel it because of you that she’s suffering, and she responded that she wishes she had at least waited to get married until you got your act together and could afford a better place.
To fix this start by being empathetic to your wife, and realize that she may be going through a lot of the same feelings you are. When she says things, try to be aware of what her feelings are, and think about the kind of response she’s looking for.
I don’t mean to tell her what she wants to hear, but consider if she wants a frank and brutally honest discussion right now, or if she wants reassurance, or if she wants you to fix an issue, or if she just wants to vent.
You’re not always going to get it right, but try to do better. Communicate with your wife, be open with her, and talk to her about how you feel. That way she can support and reassure you as you support and reassure her, and the two of you can work through this issue together instead of both of you individually feeling like you’re failing each other.” Rob_Frey
4. AITJ For Letting My Partner Deal With His Own Transport After Volunteering For A Shift During Our Vacation?
“I (20f) am going to the beach with my family next week, my partner (21m) and I recently moved in together and he was supposed to come with us.
The beach is about a 90-minute drive we’re supposed to stay for a week; he works at a department store (we had already cleared his schedule ahead of time so he could join us).
We were joining my family a day late because I’m a massage therapist and have a client with a long session didn’t want to turn down the money, so I couldn’t carpool with my parents.
My partner and I share the car, the thing is he only has a learner’s permit and not a license yet so he can’t take the car by himself (due to a negative experience as a child in the car he had severe driving anxiety and has just gotten to a place where he feels ready); not much sufficient public transit where we live and a ride from our apartment to his work would be super expensive.
One of his colleagues needed to take off at short notice not sure why (this would be halfway into our vacation); someone else can cover all but one of her shifts and my partner said he “felt bad” and volunteered for it, but this would mean I have to drive all the way back home in the middle of our vacation and take him to work just for one shift and then we go back.
He agreed to this without asking me first knowing the transportation situation; I told him since he agreed to this he could stay home while I went on vacation with my family to cover this shift, and these are the consequences of his choices without asking me first when he depended on me for a ride, and he’ll be responsible for his ride there.
And that if he wants to come to the beach after he’ll need to find his way there I’m not driving back and forth
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I hate to drive. It makes me anxious AF. I prefer to let others drive, but when this doesn’t work, it’s on me to make sure things are handled. I have to suck it up and do what needs to be done.
It’s not your responsibility to leave your vacation. He made the schedule changes. It’s on him to be where he said he would be, especially because he didn’t run it by you before making the offer.” BeMandalorTomad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But you have some communication issues to sort out with your partner.
Feels like he has an ulterior motive to sabotage your vacation. Might be he’s not comfortable with your family, needs the $$, or something else entirely. You have a conversation to have because this scenario, where he sabotages your plans, will happen again.” CaliPirate
Another User Comments:
“Can he back out of volunteering? Did he not realize this was in the middle of your trip? Sounds like something else is going on. Either he’s uncomfortable with the trip or he’s comfortable putting others’ needs ahead of yours. Either way, you’re handling it correctly.
NTJ” User
3. AITJ For Correcting My Partner's Football Knowledge In Front Of His Friends?
“My (F20) partner (M20) was going out to eat with his friends, and invited me to come with him since they were bringing their significant others too.
They were chatting and my partner brought up the topic of Manchester United since the Premier League restarted. He said that United is doing poorly just like last season after the loss to Brighton, it’s the same story.
He then talked about how Son (Heung Min Son) should leave United, that he’s wasted his entire career there he’s trophyless and he’ll retire soon. This is where I spoke up and told him that Son has never played for United, he plays for Tottenham.
And I told him that if he were playing for United he would have a trophy right now since they won the FA Cup final. He told me that I was wrong so I showed him on my phone, and he changed the topic with his friends.
After this was over, when my partner was dropping me off, he complained to me that I didn’t need to correct him in front of his friends. When he told me that I was wrong I should have just left it alone and that me taking out my phone to prove him wrong was childish.
I said that I wasn’t trying to correct him in a bad way I just wanted to show him. He told me that it’s a guy thing and that I shouldn’t do that, he’s upset that I acted like that. I didn’t know what to say so I was just silent until he dropped me off.
He didn’t say bye to me when I left.
For some context, my partner has played football since elementary and now plays for our college club. He’s a student-athlete. I haven’t played for a team since middle school, but my main hobby is football, it’s just my interest and I’ve played FIFA a lot since I was a kid.
This is what we talk about mainly so I don’t know why he was so offended by me correcting him.
AITJ for correcting him about this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Despite him being a football player for years, it’s clear he doesn’t know his teams/players.
And frankly, this is a huge red flag. A secure man would never act this childish about something as minimal as this. I know football is huge a thing in the UK (I’m Canadian), but if a guy I was seeing ever diminished my intelligence like that because he was butt hurt for his lack of knowledge, I could never.
It seems like this is just the beginning of him showing his true colors.” Whiplash___Smile
Another User Comments:
“He didn’t like being corrected about (male) sports in front of his (male) friends by his **partner**. Sounds like he was talking about something that he didn’t know much about and now he’s feeling embarrassed because you blew his cover.
That’s his problem, not yours. Mature people don’t mind being corrected when they’re wrong or misinformed. NTJ. Might want to take a closer look at his behavior to see if this is the type of person you want to spend your time with.” OGBrewSwayne
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s upset because you made him look bad in front of his teammates. His commenting on it’s a guy thing makes it sound like he thinks footy is only for guys. It’s not. I was a great JV player defensively. Couldn’t crack varsity but I officiate youth soccer now and I watch 12-year-olds- of both genders do things with the ball that would 100% make me look foolish.” New-Credit-9661
2. AITJ For Not Wanting My Partner's Friends To Stay Two Nights In Our Small Apartment?
“My partner asked me if I would be fine with letting his friends (a couple) stay over at our house for two nights. They live abroad and will be in our country due to work for one night. They want to extend their stay for another two nights.
We live in a one-bedroom apartment with our dog. This would mean that they would need to sleep in the living room or kitchen. I explained to my partner that I don’t feel very comfortable with them staying for two nights, due to the lack of space.
I told him I would be okay with one night. He said he understood and told them no. After that, he got upset and called me selfish. He said that they would have let us stay at their little apartment and that it’s just something that friends do for each other.
He said that this tells a lot about my characteristics and contributes to the fact that I only have a few friends. I feel hurt by his comments. I told him that I was willing to let them stay one night, but that it was already a lot for me.
He said that he couldn’t say such a thing to them, because then they would need to book a hotel for the next night, so that would be weird to only offer one night. I have ADHD and just get overwhelmed with people in my own space.
The other thing is that they are not coming here to see us, but to extend their work trip and meet with other friends that live in our city. He told me that I could just suck it up and get through those two nights so that the rest would be happy.
Am I being the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I understand your partner’s frustration that he probably doesn’t feel comfortable rejecting his friends’s request. By selfish he probably meant you made him look bad, which could be true, but I don’t think that means you ARE selfish or that you are a jerk.
To put it this way: You (and your partner), as a paying tenant/owner, have the right to decide who to let in and for how long. No one (including the co-tenant/owner) should feel righteous coercing you into making any decisions Imagine if you did give in and ended up feeling extremely uncomfortable in your own living space for two nights, I suspect that could cause more problems down the road I feel very tempted to say something about your partner based on his accusation of you, but I don’t feel comfortable making a judgment based on very little information.
After all, he is entitled to feeling upset that he cannot accommodate his friends” GloriasCharioteer.
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And this has less to do with ADHD (I also have it) and is more about comfort levels. It’s sad you even feel the need to justify it.
If someone wants to spend time somewhere, they can book a hotel. I have never imposed on friends who live in other places unless they have explicitly invited me to stay with them and in that case, it’s not imposing because the invitation was extended without me promoting.
It is sort of unreasonable to expect to stay with other people in another city, especially if you’re there for reasons other than just to see them and outside of them specifically inviting you to do so. Even more so when you realize that your friends have limited space to comfortably host for more than a couple of days.” Visible_Current5558
1. AITJ For Defending My Sister's Relationship With A Married Man?
“I (27F) have been in a relationship with my partner (28M) for about a year. He came to my sister’s birthday dinner at my parent’s to meet my family for the first time recently and it’s caused a big fight between us.
My sister (29F) is in a relationship with a married man. Her partner, I’ll call him Ray, is in an arranged marriage that both he and his wife were unhappy with. They didn’t want to cause issues with their families, however, and agreed to be together for that image but they both are in relationships with other people.
The wife has had the same partner for nearly a decade, and her husband has been with my sister for like three years now.
It’s a weird arrangement. I sometimes feel my sister should move on because I know marriage is something she wants and she’ll never move past “partner” with this guy, but she says she doesn’t care.
Anyways, at her birthday dinner, Ray couldn’t make it as his kid had some kind of recital or concert or something. He was brought up and my sister gushed about his birthday gift to her and said she was going on a double date with his wife and her partner soon.
My partner, I’ll call him Tyler, was visibly confused by this but didn’t say anything.
When we left he asked what my sister meant by that, and I explained their relationship situation. Tyler was disgusted, saying it was pathetic to be with a married man.
I shrugged and said I’d normally agree, but hheand his wife have a pretty unique situation.
Tyler was distant towards me after this and I brought it up to him yesterday and he blew up on me. He thinks I’m condoning “unfaithful behavior” by accepting my sister’s relationship and defending it.
He says he doesn’t know if he can trust me. I said whatever, don’t trust me then. I just disagree that anything they’re doing is wrong.
But after I told him to come and get his things from my place his best friend texted me to ask why I couldn’t just see it from his side.
Maybe I’m biased because it’s my sister, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and you’re well rid of Tyler who sees everything as pure black or white. She’s being unfaithful because she’s with a married man. For Tyler, end of the story. The fact that they’re planning a double date with wife and her bf changes nothing for him.
Tyler would be a nightmare to live with. Also, to his best friend, ask the friend why Tyler couldn’t just see it from your side.” extinct_diplodocus
Another User Comments:
“Ntj, what does he expect you to do? Tell the wife? And if she reiterates what you’ve laid out here, what then?
Is he gonna try and force them to be a happy couple? I’m not sure I understand where he’s coming from at all since you’ve explained it clearly to him. Not everything is black and white and he doesn’t seem to understand that so good on you OP.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There’s zero unfaithful behavior going on here if the story is correct, which it sounds like it is, so I don’t know what your partner is going on about. I think the married faux-couple handled a difficult situation quite ingeniously. Make sure your partner does not tell their family.” GreenDutchman
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