People Want To Know What We Think About Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
18. AITJ For Not Bringing A Jacket To Church?
“So this happened in high school roughly around the time the weather was changing from hot to cool.
I still expected it to be hot so I wore a short-sleeved dress to church this one Sunday.
Well, it was really cold inside the church because all the dudes were in suits and the A/C was on high, so I was shivering.
The bishop noticed and kindly offered me his jacket, which I accepted.
Well, my dad got really mad at me after church because he said he couldn’t take off his jacket since it hid his concealed firearm and he thought the fact that he was there when the bishop offered me his jacket but he was unable to make him look bad.
My dad yelled at me after church (he has bad anger management problems) and told me that it better not happen again. Was I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If the dad wants to protect his dignity, he should have shivered slightly to indicate that he needs his jacket, or maybe he simply didn’t notice you being cold and then thank the bishop.
On another note, the next time you go to church, tell your dad to wear 3 jackets. One for you, one for his true baby girl the gun, and one for the bishop!” HangryRadishA
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is not something to get worked up over.
Your dad is being outrageous. Also, I’m sure God wouldn’t want him to be so vain, petty, and mean to his daughter lol.” Loserinprogress
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were cold, your bishop offered you a jacket, and you took it to keep yourself warm.
Is it a must that your father bring a firearm into church??” SlytherVamp
17. AITJ For Digging Up My Grandfather's Grave And Dragging His Body Across The Country?
“My grandfather served on the USS Lexington and he made it very very clear that he wanted his remains to be buried with the ship. Everyone knew this and the family decided to make this about them and bury him and have some trashy funeral service with a bunch of stuff he told them not to do.
He specifically said to just cremate him and dump his ashes near the USS Lexington. In case you aren’t familiar, this ship has probably seen the most action of any ship in the US navy being involved in most of the major pacific naval battles.
Having lost many friends there and working on the ship for over a decade he obviously has a deep attachment to it.
Well after he passed away, I tried arguing with everyone about it but it didn’t matter, her kids (my aunts and uncles, mom and grandma died so they didn’t have any say) decided to throw this large funeral and make it really more about them.
I told them they’re all selfish pieces of trash for not respecting his wishes. They didn’t really care.
A week after the funeral my dad, brother, and cousins dug up his body and got it cremated. We then drove like 10 hours to Corpus Christi, Texas where the USS Lexington is and we scattered his ashes around it, walking around it on the pier scattering it from one end to the other.
I’m not sure how my family found out, but they did and they are annoyed. They are threatening legal action against us and are starting a ton of drama over this saying we are disrespectful. I told them they’re all pieces of work and they should rot in the underworld for not respecting our grandfather’s wishes on how to be buried and they’re all selfish jerks.
Thanksgiving is likely going to be a lot smaller, and my aunt is threatening to divorce her husband Dale over this as he helped us. I told my aunt, Sally, she’s a jerk and selfish sack of lard.
She told me she had just given away my Christmas present to charity. Half the family hates the other half now
EDIT: It was possible because it was in a cemetery in a small town. Nobody watches it so it really wasn’t that hard, nobody is there at 3 am nor were there any gates or anything.
The crematorium is run by a woman whose husband served with my grandfather so she let us use it free of charge.”
Another User Comments:
“Funerals may be where we bury the deceased, but they are FOR the living/grieving.
You did a great injustice to your family by desecrating the grave, robbing it, and then cremating the body.
I understand the anger you have regarding how they didn’t respect his wishes. But your reaction to the situation is absolutely wild.
You robbed a grave. Stole a body. That’s illegal and immoral on so many levels. And not to mention disrespectful to the rest of your family, who now have to deal with this very emotional trauma.
Here’s my perspective: I have plans for what I want when I pass away.
Specifically, I want to be cremated and placed into a pod to become a tree. I even have the kind of tree picked out. I think it’s a beautiful way to give back to the earth, and it’s very meaningful for me.
Chances are though if I pass away before my parents, I’ll probably be given the standard burial because that’s a tradition in the family. Do I want my wishes to be respected? Absolutely. But will I care? To put it gently, no. I will be dead.
I want my family to have whatever will comfort them in the time of my passing.
Editing to add; personally, I kinda think everyone sucks here.” booksbb
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
So is this real?
So the people who buried him are jerks for not following his directives, which I’m guessing we’re not really as well recorded as you think they were given what happened
Everyone sounds horrible with the arguments about what should happen before and after. Was there any effort to reach a compromise?
You are potentially heading to some serious legal trouble for doing what you did. And your antagonist attitude is surely only making things worse.
Your grandfather is currently where you think he is and they cannot change that (like literally how could they undo this?). So you are currently ‘ahead’ here. Could you swallow your pride at this point to make peace (and perhaps avoid legal trouble)?
And seriously forget worrying about Thanksgiving and Christmas, legal trouble and divorce mean those worries are irrelevant.” mikey_weasel
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here (originally) but mildly. Oh God bro, you really loved your Grampa and he must’ve really loved that ship.
Good for your for honoring his wishes, I bet he was a fascinating man to have a chat with. Bad for you for literally digging up his corpse out of a cemetery at 3:00 in the morning, having him covertly cremates by a hookup at the crematorium, driving his remains across the country, and pouring them in the ocean around a boat.
Though I gotta say, you’ve got some gumption, and your Grampa likely would have approved. Good for you… bad for you??? I’m confused. I’m changing my vote to NTJ.” Ok-Particular
16. AITJ For Teaching Our Son My Native Language?
“My wife and I met 10 years ago and got married 2 years later.
I learned her language because I love languages and had been interested in learning hers for a while so I can somewhat speak her language. When deciding on how we’ll raise our kids, I told her I wanted to teach our children my native language alongside hers so we began looking for ways to make sure they can learn both alongside English.
After arguing for hours, I conceded and said we can raise them speaking her language in the first 3 years but then after that, I’m gonna start introducing my language. She originally just wanted to raise them speaking English but I told her they’re gonna pick up English once they meet other kids and go to school, so if we want them to retain our languages we gotta start early.
I know this because I had to relearn my native language soon after I moved to America and started going to elementary school. Picked up English in 3 months while slowly forgetting my native language.
Anyway, our son was born 5 years ago and I absolutely love him and am so proud of him.
he’s really sweet and incredibly smart but is a bit mischievous (his wife says he gets it from me). I started speaking to him in my language when he was 4 and since then he’s really picked it up.
we can have some conversations on kid stuff.
but here’s where the conflict comes in. She feels excluded from our conversations because she can’t understand anything. And my mischievous son noticed this so he keeps speaking my language to me in front of her because he thinks it was funny.
this frustration culminated her in calling me a jerk for teaching our son my native language and now she forbids me to keep teaching him and scolds him for speaking it. I eventually stepped in to say you’re going too far and she doubled down on calling me a jerk (not in front of our son).
Am I really the jerk here? my culture and language are important to me and I wanted to pass them on to our son and he seems happy to learn them. He also knows her language but when I brought it up, she says it’s not the same because I speak her language too.
she says I don’t understand her feelings because I am not being excluded when we all speak her language. But frankly, if anyone is to blame, I think it’s her own fault. I learned her language through my own effort but she did not learn mine.
I never forced her to so she made the decision and I feel she’s blaming me for it. I also feel like she thinks I’m a jerk for not telling our son to stop speaking my language in front of her.
What do you guys think?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As a few people have already said, it can be alienating to be part of a culture and not speak the language, so kudos to you for wanting to give your kiddo that ties to your culture.
It’s much easier to learn a new language when you’re a kid than when you’re an adult (2nd language proficiency drops off significantly when the language is learned in adulthood).
I would even say that if you guys decide to have more kids down the road, not to wait till age 3 to speak to them in your language, but to use all 3 (yours, your wife’s, and English, if I’m understanding your post correctly?) from infancy.
Linguistic studies have shown that babies spoken to in more than 1 language have a better capacity to learn both (or all 3, as the case may be), than kids who are spoken to in only 1.” Probable_Life-Form
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, kids knowing more than one language is a huge asset, let alone helps him feel connected to your culture, which is also their culture.
I understand that your wife feels excluded, it can be hard to feel like you are the odd one out in your own home, however, that doesn’t mean that you cut off learning opportunities for your son, and certainly don’t forbid a piece of your partner’s culture because of it.
Also, her writing off its cultural importance is problematic, you may be able to speak English, but she really is missing out on being able to bond with you and your son on a deeper level by having a deeper understanding of your culture.
Your kid is still young, offer to teach your wife your language while you are teaching your son, that way she can also feel included, and your son is young enough that I would assume that the learning level is early enough for someone who is a non-native speaker can pick up on it.
I also saw on other posts, you mentioned that your language isn’t one that is used a lot. I don’t think that really matters, it’s important to you, your culture, and your identity. This means that it is also part of your son’s culture and identity, regardless of its ‘usefulness’.
Learning a different language structure, regardless of whether it is commonly spoken is still a huge asset for a kid.” HappyCabbage9013
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have every right to use your mother tongue when speaking to your child.
1) Children from bilingual families become statistically more linguistically talented than those with just one language. So it is in the interests of the child. 2) Your child has a right to be able to communicate with your side of the family in a language that they speak.
My foreign dad was never home and I never learned his mother tongue and it is a personal tragedy not to be able to speak to grandparents etc. 3) Your wife can b****y well learn the language herself or grow up.
Seriously what a woman is jealous of a language. Ridiculous. 4) Knowing languages will benefit your son in his career. Or maybe he will want to go and study in your country for a semester. 4) You have a right to speak your mother tongue.
Why would your wife want to take that right away from you? 5) Your mother tongue is the language of the heart, in other words, it is the language you best express your feelings and emotions. Using your mother tongue actually helps you be a better partner.
Edit: I read more and understood you are actually one of the few actual Americans among those immigrants who decided you need to give them your lands, language, and culture. So I came here to add more seasons: 7) By keeping your language alive you are doing the world a good deed. Please keep your culture and language alive.
8) Nothing is cooler than being able to speak a Native American tongue. Your child is so lucky to have this rare opportunity. Please please do not rob him of it. If all else fails, tell the immigrant mother to go and raid another country (I am joking I have been an immigrant myself.)” scandic2020
15. AITJ For Telling My In-Laws Exactly Where My Husband Was When I Was In Labor?
“I gave birth to my son 10 weeks ago. I went through an exhausting period while I was nearing my due date. I was experiencing discomfort and wanted my husband by my side when I go into labor but he’d go out every night to hang out at his friend’s place and watch football games.
I suggested that he play/watch games at home just in case but he was having none of it and said he had to attend a game night at his brother& friend’s place along with his buddies.
He said they had certain… How can I describe it? ‘rituals?’ when watching a game and he can’t enjoy doing it at home or anywhere else.
On the night of our son’s birth, my water broke while my husband was at his buddy’s place watching a game.
I called him and told him to get home and take me to the hospital he said he was coming but he didn’t. I ended up calling my sister (she lives nearby) and she took me to the hospital. My husband showed up 2hrs later after he kept calling asking if I was still in labor and that he was almost done watching the game.
He was able to make it on time for our son’s birth but I was furious with him, mad and disappointed. He apologized profoundly and has been working on regaining my trust and respect for him after what he’s done.
He’s otherwise very supportive and involved in our son’s care.
Last night I was at my in-laws’ house for dinner and we were talking about my son’s birth date. My husband suddenly started ‘recalling’ what happened that night and basically started lying about driving me to the hospital, waiting and feeling stressed out, and standing on his feet for so long without food or even water.
I was confused I said no! none of this was true, none of this happened in fact, he was watching a game when I went into labor and I wanted him to drive me to the hospital but didn’t show up till 2 hours later.
My mother-in-law who takes nothing from anybody and whom everyone fears lost it on him yelling asking him if that was true and he kept quiet. she started berating his left and right telling him to sit down and shut up when he stood up to argue then told him to stand up when he was sitting arguing.
Everyone was laughing at how she basically treated him as if he was a boy in trouble. She kept saying ‘Shame shame shame! on you, this is not how I raised my children to treat their wives, Jordan you are a disgrace and I’m disappointed because of what I heard about you’.
He literally swallowed every bit of his mother’s berating and didn’t say anything till we got home where he went nuts saying I made him look neglectful, a bad husband and father by telling the family about where he was and said I shouldn’t have said anything but I argued it wasn’t okay for him to lie and play the hero in front of his parents.
He said I just caused a rift between him and his family and asked if I was happy now.
AITJ? Should I have not said anything?
EDIT to say that he’s done similar things in the past since he’s a major enthusiast of football and hockey but I didn’t expect it to get to that.
Also, this is not our first baby together, we have a 4-year-old son.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He wouldn’t have lied if he didn’t know he was in the wrong. He is a major jerk. Not only for standing you up while you were in labor but also for lying and then berating you for setting the record straight.
I wonder what his mom would say about his treatment of you immediately after she put him in his place. I’m pretty sure he’d get another tongue lashing. Don’t apologize for setting the record straight and don’t put up with his garbage while alone with him either.
If he doesn’t want to be labeled a crappy husband and father, maybe he shouldn’t act like it!” Kunoichi_Kya
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I’m sorry, but it sounds like you have deeper issues than him just going to his ‘friend’s’ house to watching football.
He doesn’t have respect for you and unfortunately, it shows clearly. After his mom put him in his place (which I fully support and think was on the right), he went back home to scream at you and berate you for telling her the truth?
At this point his relationship with his mom shouldn’t be your concern, it should be his lack of interest in you and your child, which was clearly shown by him not even showing up to take you to the hospital.
I don’t believe that saying to you to leave him will do anything, but you do NEED therapy ASAP, if he doesn’t want any that’s your full answer. You’re a mother now and need to put your and your child’s wellbeing before your husband’s” DoggieLover5
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but your husband sure is/was. How is game night more important than being by your pregnant wife’s side as she nears the due date? It’d be one thing if he went for a few hours once or twice during that time if you were okay with it, but it sounds like this was a nearly daily thing.
You didn’t make him look neglectful or like a bad husband. He made himself look that way through it his actions, then made himself look worse by lying to his family about it. He deserved the dressing down from his mother.
Sometimes, a woman needs to know that the son she raised is treating another woman badly, and he did just that by not being there for you when you were uncomfortable, anxious, and ultimately at the beginning of your labor.” theinvisible-girl
14. AITJ For Having My Internet Down?
“I was supposed to be going to my last period of the day but my power went out.
I texted a friend if they could tell the teacher that my internet went down. They not too long ago told me the teacher didn’t believe me and to provide proof??????
My last period ended an hour ago and power came back on before they texted me the teacher didn’t believe me.
Now I have an unexcused absence, I don’t really have existing proof to send to my teacher. I would have had proof if I knew they were going to ask for evidence it did go out.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, Your teacher should wait until like the 3rd time your wifi goes out to ask for proof. Not giving you the benefit of the doubt here is ridiculous.” ya-boi_cheesus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your teacher is the jerk for not listening to what your problems are.” CaptainShadow45
13. WIBTJ If I Ask My Doctor To Explain Pregnancy Hormones To My Husband?
“My husband and I are expecting our first child and we are both really excited. Despite the excitement, I am really struggling: episodes of depression, morning sickness, tired but crazy insomnia, and altogether just not feeling like myself.
I do the best I can with it (still working 12-hour shifts in healthcare, cleaning, cooking, etc). My husband is a very supportive partner mostly BUUUTTTT I had a mood swing where He said something small that hurt my feelings causing me to cry.
It usually wouldn’t make me cry so I said ‘I’m sorry I’m crying these hormones are insane’ and my husband stated, ‘pregnancy hormones aren’t real, and pregnant women use them as an excuse to act crazy’.
I have explained it to him, sent articles to him, and tried to have honest conversations about how I’m feeling with him but he has made it clear this is an opinion he stands by. We have an appointment today and I want to ask my doctor to explain it to him hoping that hearing it from a male ob-gyn might give him some clarity.
However, I don’t want to make him upset or cause more problems (we are military so it could open up some problems for him… IYKYK). So will I be the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Keep having the conversation and yeah, maybe talking to the doc would help.
He doesn’t just get to pretend the sky is green because it’s ‘his opinion’. You’re growing a human, part of that means hormone fluctuations, which cause some strange emotional changes. I’m currently remembering my 2nd pregnancy when I saved the last bit of soda for myself, husband didn’t know, poured it into a cup with ice, I started crying, he offered it to me, I cried more because ‘he ruined it with ice’, I ended up seated on the kitchen floor sobbing because there was ice in the soda.
No one on earth could’ve looked at me at that moment and thought ‘oh yeah, she’s totally in control of her emotions right now’.
In moments you’re feeling calm and in control sit him down and just keep trying to find the words that will make the most sense to him ‘do you really think I’m making myself cry over every little thing’ ‘do you think so little of me’ ‘why would I pretend to be hurt when I’m not’ ‘this isn’t some mass female conspiracy, it’s a chemical reaction to creating life’.
Maybe offer him some tips for dealing with you when you’re feeling hormonal like a hug and a glass of water. Maybe he needs an action to perform that can be helpful. Some people tend to understand things more when they have a role to play in it.” BreathOfLizard
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – So you are pregnant, working 12-hour shifts, and doing the bulk of the housework and cooking? And he’s going to discount the additional stressor of pregnancy hormones? Also, why are you apologizing for crying when HE hurt YOUR feelings?
What is he doing? Does he just go to work and come home and put his feet up? What is then planned for when the baby is born? Is he going to take half of the childcare duties or not?
Because sleep deprivation, like pregnancy hormones, is very real. Is he expecting you to shoulder all of the childcare in addition to your ‘regular’ duties, and is he going to discount any feelings you have about that as well?
Absolutely ask the doctor to explain the hormones to him but also maybe go to a couples counselor for new parents. The military should have a resource like this. If he isn’t open to being an equal partner in this and validating your feelings, you might be better off leaving him and going back to your family.
It’s hard to raise a child alone but it’s even harder to do it alone with an unsupportive and undermining partner.” orangemoonboots
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ. Just bring up that your hormones and emotions seem to be everywhere, is that normal?
When the doctors invariably say yes. Then say can you help us understand how and why hormones impact my mood and emotions. Called him out without doing so.
Yes, your husband is a jerk for what and how he said it.
Men can be ignorant of women’s bodies. And yes most men have experienced in their life a woman being rude, mean, manipulative, and then using their period or hormones as a get-out jail-free card. Some men will then use that experience to apply it to all women’s situations and claim it is made up or they are using it as an excuse.
He needs to understand it is real. How not impacts his wife’s mood and emotions. He needs to learn how to communicate with you (and others) when perhaps things said or done hurt his feeling or he doesn’t understand.
Instead of lashing out and calling them excuses he should be able to communicate something along the lines of ‘I know your hormones are everywhere, but please try not to take it out on me. How can I help you’.
His better communication skills will help you both communicate. It sounds like you are trying to do that by explaining why you were crying. His reaction was not right.” Slade_Riprock
12. AITJ For Not Supporting My Dad's Harmless Hobby?
“I (16f) have a dad (46m) who recently got super into cars.
It all started when he bought his dream car a few months ago. My father and I always had an amazing relationship despite him being absent in my early childhood because of work. He was always a good dad and you could tell he was genuinely trying to be there for us.
Now, he gives all his time to his car. He spends a lot on things to ‘enhance’ the car which I didn’t really mind and defended him when my mom would nag at him for spending so much but I couldn’t help but notice whenever I asked him, even for the simplest thing, he would not do it or do it but make it clear he wasn’t happy abt it and make me feel guilty for asking and yet now he has no problem spending so much on a car?
Next, he made social media account for his car. He started uploading and I was the first to support him while everyone else mocked him. I liked and shared all his videos, I gave him new ideas, I helped him film and even when he started doing lives I would be his only viewer.
I think I did everything I could to support him. His accounts started doing relatively well and I was happy for him but it was becoming apparent that it started to consume all his time. He insisted on uploading daily so the problem started with it becoming his only topic of conversation.
I felt bad for thinking so but it seemed it started to take over the rest of his character.
Since he wasn’t on social media much before he is very gullible when it comes to the media he consumes.
He mostly uses TikTok and since his main interest now is cars you can imagine what else his page curates for him to watch. Simply said my once loving father is now being fed right-wing ideologies and misogynistic crap.
His content is now riddled with little jokes about women (women can’t drive, women don’t understand cars, my bossy wife, bla bla) I’ve tried to explain to him how those jokes are harmful and hurtful and how he as a father of 3 girls who still lives with his mother and wife in the house should be even more ashamed for making those remarks because of how they reflect on the women in his life.
Now, every time he makes questionable content and I try to educate him he calls me sensitive or a ‘snowflake’
Currently, he started going to car rallies and he goes whenever there is one (from 6 pm to 2 am and the following morning he was out of the house at 8 am to go to another one) He BARELY spends time with his kids (especially me, he hasn’t talked to me at all in the last four days) and he is simply turning into the absent father he once was.
I unfollowed him and simply do not engage with that side of him anymore but the problem is that that side is all that’s left of him. I tried talking to him about it but he accused me of being self-centered and not letting him enjoy his hobby which made me question if I was a bit sensitive about it all, AITJ?
I’m tired and hurt and just want my dad back.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You know, the problem is that you have a lot of empathy and understanding but you are also coming face-to-face with who he actually is, which is someone who doesn’t care a lot about providing for you, his kid, and instead is most committed to fulfilling his own personal gratification and needs.
He’s self-absorbed and he’s selfish. He’s a parent and he doesn’t even know it. He’s going to create this relationship with you where he has no interest in you and only provides for you financially begrudgingly, not because he’s happy to help you build your life, but because he hast to take bits of money away from his own desires.
The guy is getting twisted up. He tried really hard to share his interest and support him and contribute but none of this is mutual. He does not have the same amount of care and interest and concern as you that you have him.
You’re just gonna have to face this reality and realize he’s not there for you. He doesn’t care. And then turn and build your own life. I’m so sorry. But you sound like a remarkable person.
Please trust your perceptions and invest in your own life.” mcclgwe
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your dad is being a jerk with that stuff, but seriously? That’s right-wing content? Man the internet is a cesspool sometimes.
There’s nothing ‘right-wing’ about that bs. Please stop spreading propaganda and misinformation. ‘Right-wing’ refers to political affiliation, it’s not a group of misogynists and certainly doesn’t stand for any of that garbage.” DismalDally
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If he’s getting sucked into the kinds of social media swamps that lead to ‘red pill’ stuff, it’s not a harmless hobby anymore, and you’re not wrong to be concerned.
You don’t have a problem with his hobby.
You have a problem with what media your dad is consuming, and what that is doing to him. Given what that is, you’re not a jerk.” toofat2serve
11. AITJ For Not Letting My Sister "Borrow" My Pots And Pans?
“About 6 months ago, my sister moved out of her home and into our parents’ home to save coins. Over the years she lived in her previous home, our parents gave her hundreds of dollars worth of expensive cookware and cutlery that was supposed to be moved into storage when she moved out of her home.
She apparently left all the kitchenware (pots, pans, dishes, cutlery, and appliances) that everyone gave her back in the apartment bc she thought she was going to get our deceased sister’s kitchen stuff (said sister passed away back in 2018, and her MIL sold all her stuff within a month, and there was no way we were getting any of it back) I currently have 6 pots, and 3 pans of my own (part of a $200 set) and that’s it… My sister has since moved into her own home again and keeps asking to ‘borrow’ my pots and pans instead of buying her own.
She doesn’t have a good track record of returning borrowed items, so I’m hesitant to loan any of my only pots and/or pans to her, bc I’ll be left with little or nothing to cook in for my kids and myself.
According to her, I’m a bad sister for not loaning her my ‘big pots’.
So… AITJ for not ‘loaning’ my sister my pots and pans?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, they are your cookware, what will you use if she doesn’t return them?
She’s an adult, she can buy herself some pots and pans. She shouldn’t need to borrow yours, it’s part of being responsible when you get your own place” whitewer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you’re not going to get your pots and pans back if you do lend them.
Who leaves hundreds of dollars worth of pots and pans when they move and then expects someone else to give them theirs? What are you supposed to do in the meantime, get more?
Don’t enable her. Set precedence and hold to it.
If someone else tries to persuade you otherwise, simply state they are free to ‘lend’ her theirs.” User
10. AITJ For Being At Breaking Point With My Husband's Made-Up Language?
“My significant other has always been a bit goofy, giving his own names to things and doing impressions. About 18 months ago this started to increase a lot. It’s now a constant presence in our lives and I’m finding it difficult to live with.
Examples: He has his own name for most retail outlets, professionals, and organizations…
Eatyourgreens (Walgreens), S****s & Gobbles (Barnes & Noble)
He has about 30-40 everyday words that he insists on using in place of normal ones…
Skuppers (with a rising whistle at the end) ‘yes’
Bing (with a descending whistle) ‘no’
Bagayaya ‘goodnight’
He CONSTANTLY does weird sound impersonations, not like celebrities or characters, but a single noise that’s a made-up sound or something childish like a fart from a children’s tv show
He speaks random words like ‘garbage’ or ‘garbage bag’ whilst burping or farting
He has made up names for our friends which he uses sometimes even under his breath when we’re out with them
Pam and Will are ‘pig and wig’
I’ve just had enough. We got into bed the other night and I said ‘goodnight’ and he said ‘bagayaya’ in the high-pitched voice he always does it in. I snapped and asked why he couldn’t just speak to me normally and he just laughed and came right up close to my face and did it again.
His whistling is constant. He speaks to our kid in this stupid language and I’m worried it’s going to confuse normal language development because he changes the words so often. Our toddler could be about to hurt themselves and instead of saying ‘no’ or ‘come here’, he’ll say some ridiculous made-up word or sound and then get annoyed when our kid doesn’t know what he wants.
He’s ‘normal’ in other respects, works in finance, and is totally professional around his colleagues but different at home. I told him it needs to stop. I don’t mind it occasionally or for fun but it’s all the time and it’s wearing me down.
He got upset and said I couldn’t take a joke and that I’m not fun anymore. It’s true that I’ve become more irritable and noise averse since we had kids but I’m so worn out and over it and just want him to relate to me like an adult.
Edit: I do not believe (but am not health qualified) that he displays any symptoms of Tourette, autism, neurological disorders, etc, and hasn’t ever done despite this.
He is physically well by all measures. He is for sure not having a stroke or significant physical health event.
Yes, I can see this could be a reaction to stress.
For those asking why I married him… He did not do this, to this extent before we had kids. Occasionally yes with the occasional name or words but not this regular.
He is amazing in many ways but this one thing is now too much for me. I don’t feel it’s right to discount him or throw out the whole marriage because of it but it does need to change.
He will not go to therapy.
We have discussed it calmly, previously, he did not take me seriously or make changes. He sees this as funny and ‘just a joke’. I agree that we need to talk more.
Yes, it can be funny occasionally. I am not trying to spoil his fun. I also need an adult partner at times and for him to stop when not appropriate.”
Another User Comments:
“Clang associations, Mitigated echolalia, neologisms can be indicators of a physical issue in the brain.
They’re also seen in patients dealing with any or a combination of factors like autism, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorders.
Being able to control it around others and having the freedom to do it around you, his most trusted person, isn’t unheard of.
My partner is autistic he is a constant mutterer and it’s maddening. I’m Bipolar 2 and oh boy… echolalia and clang associations bubble up when I miss more than one dose. of Rx combo.
So, we know we have these issues and work with them as we can or if we can’t that day, we, fortunately, don’t live together, so we get to give each other and ourselves a break.
It’s definitely more like he’s in a childlike/vulnerable state around you and he does it because it makes him feel safe and good. Repeating certain phrases and sounds I hear do the same thing, but I have to do it until I wear it out and it SUCKS.
So, I say record him for a few days. Sit him down to acknowledge what’s happening and you’re concerned it could be physical. Don’t bring it up when he seems to turn it off. That’ll make him feel embarrassed and ashamed as I did to me a few times.
Be willing to talk to a neurologist. It could be physical. Then, if it isn’t, THEN see a psychologist.
Just my two cents.
Oh, NTJ so far. If he refuses to see a specialist, then he needs to see a behaviorist. And if he won’t do those, then take a few weeks off a see your family or go somewhere if you can and give yourself a break and him time to process.
If he cares about his wife and family, he’ll come around.
Maybe it’s just him having a super secret special language with only you because he loves you and is very attached. I’m trying to theorize positivity because I know somedays I really wanna punch my bf in the b*****g because his tics drive me insane haha sigh.
Ah, love.” Interesting_Cup_7939
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Not only could he say something that confuses your toddler, but he could also be teaching your toddler things that confuse other people. Of course, it’d be annoying if your toddler tells their babysitter they want to go to pee models or whatever your husband’s word McDonald’s is, but it could actually be dangerous for your kid to be unable to communicate properly.
Say that, god forbid, worst-case scenario, your child is hurt by an adult in some way and they try to tell someone about it, but they use these nonsense words and are unable to convey what is happening to them.
Or say you or your husband get severely hurt and your kid has to call 911 and answers questions like ‘is your daddy breathing’ with stuff like ‘biiing!!’ Or ‘skuppers!!’ What if your kid gets lost in a shopping center and when asked where they last saw their parents they say ‘s****s and gobbles!!’ What if a stranger tries to take your kid, and your kid is screaming ‘bing!
Bing bing bing! You’re not my dooble doddle!’ Or whatever instead of ‘no! You’re not my daddy!’
These are all worst-case scenarios that probably won’t happen, of course, but your child needs to be able to properly communicate with other humans in case of an emergency.
Your kid doesn’t know that no one else knows what skuppers means. At best your kid will be extremely frustrated that people don’t understand what they’re saying. At worst, your kid could be unable to communicate in an emergency.” duraraross
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There are some things you need to do to save this marriage, for your mental health, for your child’s safety and mental health, and your husband. First, you need to get from his doctor a HIPAA consent of release form, this allows you to make and cancel appointments for him it will allow you to have his information and for the doctor to talk to you.
Some insurances will allow you to bypass the doctor and go straight to the neurologist. Whichever way you go, make sure you get that HIPPA form he needs to sign, you can tell him it’s so you can make and cancel appointments.
It would be helpful if you record him doing these things.
Next, you need to get a marriage counselor, because if he can’t control it, you’re going to need some support and tools in your toolbox. You need to do all this ASAP because now it’s affecting your child to the point that he’s in trouble when he doesn’t understand daddy.
At that point, it’s becoming abuse of the child and if it continues there won’t be any fixing the relationship between the two of them. If he refuses to go to the doctor and, or the counselor you have your answer of what your and your child’s future will look like.
I came back to add that you might think about doing what’s called an observational chart. I work as an instructional assistant and public education.
There have been times that I have been tasked with the job of keeping track of a child’s behaviors throughout the school day.
Down the left-hand side are blocks of time, either in 15 or 30-minute blocks. Across the top for your situation a box for when this happens, one for if the word is directed at you, and one box for when it’s directed at the child, after each of your boxes, a box to check if he got upset for not being understood.
This is very beneficial for doctors and c*******************s as it gives them a more accurate look at what’s going on. As opposed to you saying ‘it happens all the time’ they have something they can actually look at, on top of any recordings you make.” Booklovinmom55
9. AITJ For Not Helping My Partner Do His Homework?
“I finished college early in 3.5 years.
The school wasn’t ‘easy’ for me per se because I chose Computer Science as a major and my teacher gave us 6+ hours of homework a night. I took 2-3 extra courses a semester to finish early and avoid another tuition payment.
I really loved school and learning, and even found some joy in homework when I finally got it right. My partner was in the same year as me, but a health emergency disrupted his life and he got behind.
Now, he’s almost on to his 6th year of college and really struggling. He claims that he knows everything he needs to know in the trade, but blows off his classwork and has failed quite a few classes.
Since I loved school, he thinks that it’s no big deal to always ask for help with his schoolwork (I am an IT consultant and work from home, he is in online school so we are home together).
Usually, the ‘help’ he expects is me doing the assignment for him. It’s not even close to my own major – so I just end up googling how to do it and figure it out, but I’m starting to feel like he doesn’t respect my time by asking me to drop everything and help him when he needs it.
I also worry about him finding a job if he plans to shortcut his way through school. If I can do his homework just by googling, and he can’t figure it out at all, how will he solve problems when he’s in the working world?
Today, my partner frantically asked for help with an assignment that’s due tonight at midnight. I decided to finally draw a boundary and say no and he was angry at me, claiming that if I cared I would help him with his homework because it’s ‘so much easier for me.’ AITJ for letting my partner try to figure this one out on his own?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
He is an adult who has to be responsible for his own major. You aren’t his parents nor are you paid to help with his homework. Tutors don’t even do the homework for who they’re tutoring.
They’re there to answer questions and nothing more. So in my own opinion, it’s not your responsibility to help him. There’s nothing wrong with helping with small tasks in IT. Such as typos or small things out of the kindness of your own heart but, he’s gotta learn on his own too.
Does he ask you genuine questions when you help him with his work or sit there until you’re done answering it? If the answer is the latter then you guys might need to have a conversation about personal boundaries because that’s taking advantage of your kindness.
The most helpful thing you can do is encourage him always to strive for his best but don’t lead him to the finish line, he’s got to WANT to learn how to get there.” EndlessResets
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I don’t like when people use the bait, ‘if you cared about me, you’d do x’ which is so gross to say. So he’s holding your love hostage for grades. Or he’s saying it’s easy for you, so you do it?
Which is it? Both excuses don’t hold water IMO. Not to mention he says he knows it all so he should ace his work right? But if it’s technically easier for you, that’s more reason for him to do it!
He’s lazy and trying to push his responsibility on you. If he cared about you, he wouldn’t. Hmmm? You’re not the jerk at all.” Calm_Memories
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, set your boundaries and nip this in the bud now.
He can’t drag you to the office to do his work for him once he graduates and gets a job. He needs to do his schoolwork himself and learn how to plan better.” Neravariine
If you loved me you would do what I want
Your life is s much easier than mine. You don't have my problems.
But I need it more
Its someone roses fault, nothing is ever fair for me
They sing this song while doing nothing to improve. When they song is no longer a top 10 fir you, they become argumentative and blame you.
Help is doing most of it and asking for help when stuck. He isn't trying. He is asking you to just do it for him. Get his degree for him while he just sits back. Maybe he needs to only take one class at a time.
8. AITJ For Telling My Wife She's A Terrible Mother?
“I love my wife. She is the best thing that ever happened to me, but objectively she isn’t that great of a person.
We have three children, who are all living with us due to the college shutting down, and the other day was her birthday. I gave her flowers and a gift when she woke up, and she knew we were going out that night.
The kids didn’t say anything, but they have always had a weird almost siblinglike relationship with her, and they do enjoy hurting her (forgetting her birthday, refusing to hug her when they were kids, she has gotten a lot of trashy mother’s day gifts)
I do think they have some valid reasons. She can be very controlling. She treats our son’s significant other like trash. she did do some emotional damage when they were younger, projecting her body issues, but I think they are sometimes too hard on her.
She never had any real authority, so I did most of the parenting when I wasn’t working, and now she is jealous that they are much more bonded with me, but I feel like I put in the effort and she didn’t.
Halfway through the day she became sulky and was stomping around. I assumed it was because they forgot her birthday, so I tried to distract her and get her out of the house, but she didn’t want to go out.
My son’s SO came over and I guess seeing her triggered my wife because she yelled at the kids for not saying happy birthday (they definitely knew, I said it in front of them) They literally just stared at her blankly, so I convinced her to run some errands with me.
We went shopping and I bought her another present, but on the way home, she started ranting about the kids.
I told her the truth; she wasn’t the best mother and her relationship with them is a result of the way she raised them.
She started crying, which I didn’t expect, and said that I was a jerk and how could I say that to her on her birthday. She accused me of turning them against her, which is pretty unfair but I let it go.
she calmed down and we did go out that night and had a great time, but this morning she told me that I ruined her birthday and I’m a jerk for saying that.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. (It sounds like your wife sucks as well, but I feel like you need to hear you’re the jerk to fully understand the consequences of your actions.)
Your wife is ‘the best thing that ever happened to you’ — what about your kids? Clearly, they aren’t nearly as important to you since you’ve let their mother emotionally abuse, neglect, and otherwise damage them for at least 18+ years.
If she was such a bad parent, why didn’t you confront her about it earlier? Why didn’t you try and help her figure out how to be a better parent? In the 18+ years (guessing on the time period, but you say your kids are college-aged) you have never talked to your wife about her harmful parenting methods that you clearly know are wrong?
A good parent would realize their spouse was controlling, unfair, and even emotionally abusive. A good parent would separate from the other parent to ensure their kids had a safe and healthy environment in which to grow up.
The very least of your problems is your kids not acknowledging their mom’s birthday. You need to seriously re-examine your priorities if you want a relationship with your children in the future.” favoritesong
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – Big time.
If you had concerns about the way she was parenting, the time to bring that up was while it was happening – you should have spoken to her and tried to tell her what you found concerning.
Also, calling someone an awful mother is a terrible thing to do – especially someone like your wife who sounds flawed for sure, but who didn’t neglect her kids and raised relatively well-adjusted kids who made it to college.
It sounds like she can’t have done THAT badly. Maybe she was a mediocre parent, but that is worlds apart from being an awful parent.
Your kids are getting their cues from you that treating their mother this way is okay.
Honestly, it’s not okay – if they are going to live in her house as adults, they can say happy birthday and write her a nice card or note or something. I’m not saying they have to spend moolah or anything, but deliberately ignoring her birthday is cruel, and the fact that you condone that behavior and put all the blame on your wife is disgusting.
I’m sure you aren’t a perfect parent either. Most kids pick up something negative from their parents – I got a deathly fear of spiders from my mother because she is deathly afraid of spiders. It sounds like she had body image issues which the kids picked up on, which is sad, but I bet they picked up on something negative from you too – it happens with most parents.
In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if what they learned from you is that it’s okay not to respect your partner.” robot428
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you are your wife. You are both terrible parents. Obviously, she is worse for neglecting the kids but you are nearly as bad for allowing them to be mistreated. She sounds like a horrible woman, what kind of man stays with someone who treats his kids badly.
What kind of father does this and then claims he loves his kids. Your kids experienced a parent who could care less about them. You let this happen to them. You could have stopped this at any time.
You are an enabler of her cruelty.
The kids are blameless. You can’t be surprised that their resentment turned to apathy. It is no surprise they don’t care about dad’s wife. This person is nothing more than a troublesome roommate.
Expect holidays where only you and your wife will be present. If the kids are smart they will distance themselves from you. Either because they hate your wife or because they fully realize your role in their lacking childhood.
You are your wife deserve each other and only each other. I hope the kids find happiness in others that they could not find at home.” Im2short4life
7. AITJ For Not Splitting The Money?
“My partner sings in the shower. Every time she takes a shower, she makes up a new song.
Sometimes 2 or 3.
I asked her to record the songs & send them to me because I love them & I want to listen to them more than once. She said that she hates the way her voice sounds on recordings & that she forgets most of the song when she gets out of the shower anyway.
I started listening to her sing in the shower & writing the lyrics down. I did this for months. I filled up a notebook & a half. I didn’t tell her I was doing this.
My partner’s birthday was coming up & I wanted to surprise her.
I have a friend who’s in a small band I asked her if she could record the lyrics & add music to them. My friend said she could try. I took a picture of a page or two & sent them over.
She texted me back & asked me if I could ask my partner if she could some of the lyrics for her songs & that she would pay her.
I didn’t ask my partner because I felt that I didn’t need to.
I waited for a bit, then told my friend that my partner said it was okay. My friend paid me & I used some of it to take my partner out for her birthday.
Last night, my friend & her band were doing a gig & my partner & I were in attendance.
My partner had a frown on throughout the entire performance. She kept whispering to me, ‘I feel like I’ve heard this song before. Not the music per se, but some of the lyrics.’
I don’t know what lyric it was exactly that gave it away, but at one point, she said, ‘That’s my song!
I use that phrase all the time.’
When my friend got off the stage, my partner & she nearly got into a fight. My friend looked at me & said, ‘I thought you said she said it was okay!’
My partner looked at me & said, ‘You what?!’
I told her we’d talk about it outside. Outside, I told her, ‘It’s not a big deal. You didn’t want to record it anyway.’
While I was talking, my friend came out & apologized to my partner.
Then she asked me if I had at least given my partner the money that she had paid me for the lyrics. My partner said ‘Money? What money?’
I said no. Before I could explain, they started screaming at me & wouldn’t let me talk, so I left my partner there, got in the car & drove home.
My partner came home a short while after me (I think my friend drove her) & she hasn’t spoken to me yet. She took a shower, but I didn’t hear her sing. Now she’s downstairs watching TV, ignoring me.
I called my friend & apologized for lying to her. She forgave me but she said to make sure I really apologize to my partner.
I don’t see what I should apologize for. I wrote the lyrics down so I felt like I have the right to sell them without sharing the profits (& I technically did share them somewhat, by taking her out for her birthday).
That’s why I’m here. I honestly don’t see what the problem was, but If you guys say I’m the jerk, I’ll split the moolah with her.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and you should lawyer up. You can be sued by both parties over intellectual property rights and fraud.
The band might sue you just to prevent your girl from suing them over rights and royalties. You can understand their position, right? They’ve used property you sold them fraudulently because you never had the right to sell it in the first place.
Since the band has earned off it, your partner can sue them to take all their current profits and have them destroy any unauthorized recordings of her work. It could bankrupt the band, so it’s cheaper to sue you as a legal defense that they didn’t know you were committing fraud.
Depending on the band’s level of success, you just created a legal nightmare for them. If this happened in CA, I know someone who works in IP law. They’d want to represent your partner in this. She could walk away with a good settlement from both you and the band.” lark-sp
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You don’t deserve ANY of the money. Just because you wrote the lyrics down doesn’t mean you have any right to them. Along with numerous other examples, here’s another for you.
It would be like your grandmother having a series of special recipes that have been passed down orally in the family to one person each generation, and every generation that takes on being the keeper the of the recipe changes it just a little for their own spin on something but there always is the original standard version.
You were not the chosen person. She jokes about all the recipes being hard to remember along with her own little changes so you decide to write them down finally and break tradition by watching what her measurements of things are under the guise of spending time with grammy constantly.
You put a lot of effort into the cookbook and remember friends at holidays always commenting that her food tastes amazing and could definitely be sold for a high price… So you sell the book of recipes to a publisher and make thousands off of it, without consulting your family/grandmother.
When you proudly show them your successful release, things start to go down. You claimed rights to the recipes, which you didn’t have. You claimed false permissions from your family to publish the recipes for the book, which you didn’t have.
Now the family ends up split down the middle because they either don’t know what to do and thus are numb to it all or are furious with you. And your grandmother is heartbroken and feeling betrayed by your actions.
You and she were extremely close and she can’t even look at you. Because you took something that wasn’t yours, that was personal to her identity, and sold it.
I realize this is a weird example but hopefully, it helps provide more reasoning for you.” alldogsbestfriend
Another User Comments:
“YTJ — Putting the words on paper does NOT make it your property. For example; RBG would type her husband’s papers when they were in law school. He would dictate, she would type. It was HIS work, not hers.
You literally did nothing that would warrant you to think it was your property in any sense of the word. AND what’s even worse is you said she didn’t want to record it anyways, so you listened to her in the shower, you wrote down the words WITHOUT telling her, then gave them to a friend WITHOUT TELLING HER.
Then the friend, understanding how intellectual property AND lawsuits work, told you to ASK your partner, which you did not, and then lied to her about it. You then gave the lyrics to the friend, implying you had permission and she gives you moolah which you pocket without telling your partner any of this.
Then you feel like a big boy because you used HER moolah to take her out for dinner on HER birthday. Then say it’s not a big deal because she didn’t want to record anyways and you did ‘all the work’ by writing down the words.
And you don’t even think you’re the jerk for lying to both your partner and friend.
I really hope you’re single soon, you’re a horrible partner and friend.” yellowchaitea
6. AITJ For Not Telling My Friend About My Wedding?
“Me: M29
Wife: 28
Friend: M30
One and a half years ago my friend moved countries for a job opportunity, and we still talk regularly over the internet. When he left, his ex had to break up with him as she didn’t see herself moving to another country.
He still loved her a lot but he knew it was the right decision for both of them.
A few months after he left, I and his Ex really hit it off. We began going out behind his back and I didn’t want to break the news to him, since he was still very attached to her.
Fast forward a little less than a year later, and we’re ultimately in love and want to get married. I buy her a ring, we get engaged, and the health crisis really started to get going. So in September, we decided to not wait any longer and just have a small wedding without a ceremony, only my and her parents.
The word gets out, and somehow my friend gets the news without us telling him. He went nuts and debated our yearlong friendship, I’ll spare you the details.
I and wife think we did the right thing by not hurting his feelings, and as he’s on the other side of the world it should be none of his concern anyway.
I know it’s a hard thing for him to deal with, but that’s just life.
Am I (Are We) The Jerks?”
Another User Comments:
“The audacity of you to still call him your friend. After you clearly valued the friendship so little you
Went out with his ex
Never manned up and told him
Got married and never told him
Married his ex and never told him
You are the jerk. If you weren’t sure, put yourself in your friend’s position.
Imagine the shock he felt when he found out, the hurt and the betrayal. You aren’t anyone’s friend and the ones who consider you as such should watch their back because clearly, you do not consider your friends and only your own selfish comfort.
I hope he never speaks to you again. Imagine going out with the guy’s ex who he has feelings for and never telling him. I am sure they were still in contact all year all him and your now wife… imagine the betrayal. I hope karma gets you both.
You may not be horrible people (though I have my doubts with your self-absorbed post and responses) but you did a terrible thing to someone who considered you a friend. You avoided telling him because he would be hurt and it was easier for you both… well here he is hurt and rightfully so.
Do a trashy thing and get trashy karma. Your marriage had an evil start… don’t cry when it reflects it in the future.” Carnaxa
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re doing a lot of deflecting and ‘well not really-ing’ when people are telling you that you’re in the wrong based on the information YOU provided. Your friend has done nothing wrong here, absolutely nothing.
You must understand that this isn’t about not telling your friend about your wedding. Your title tells me you know in your heart that you’re in the wrong here, fully, completely in the wrong. Your title implies you just didn’t tell your friend you got married, maybe jerk material but not evil.
The factual title would be ‘AITJ for not telling my friend I married his ex that he’s still got feelings for?’. That’s exactly what happened, you said it yourself in your post. So either you felt the real truth was too wordy, or you’re selfishly trying to deflect blame.
Based on your responses so far I’m going with the latter.
The short of it, regardless of how you want to cut this cake, is that you and your new bride are jerks and you both know it.
If I were your friend I’d cut you off, you don’t sound at all like a friend, you sound deceitful honestly.” apatheticflapjack
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, sorry dude. You were afraid to tell him, I get it. But you should’ve told him as soon as you started going out.
Being someone’s friend means being honest, even if it hurts. You ruined most of your chances to save this friendship. By deciding to even date the guy’s ex, when you knew he was in love with her… You chose to burn that bridge.
You had a chance to save the friendship by being honest in the beginning and you didn’t. Your finance is even worse for knowing you two were friends and encouraging you to lie when you got together.
The right thing to do is lay it all on the table.
Send him a long and heartfelt message. Explain that you know you have been an awful friend and that you were afraid to tell him because you knew you would hurt him. Make sure he knows that YOU KNOW you betrayed him.
Tell him that you know it’s not fair to ask for his blessing, but that you sincerely feel terrible for putting yourself before the friendship and hurting him like this. That you know you should’ve told him right away and you know you should’ve told him about the engagement.
Tell him that he’s right to be angry. Tell him you understand if he wants nothing to do with you, but you desperately regret your cowardice and lying, and that if the day comes that he is willing to generously forgive you, nothing would make you happier.
If he never speaks to you again, I’m sorry but you deserve it. But after everything you’ve done the least you owe this guy is an apology.” AlonsyGeronimo
5. AITJ For Feeling Offended When Someone Implied I Was A Criminal?
“Last night I went to the local supermarket where my sister works. I pick up the handful of things that I need and I see that her checkout is empty, so I go to her to say hi.
As I’m setting my things down on the counter, one of the supervisors comes over to us and says, ’employees aren’t allowed to check out items for relatives.’ I’m like, what? He says it can’t be done, it’s a new rule they’ve instituted. So I immediately answer, ‘if you’re accusing me of something, say it openly.’ He says he’s not accusing me of anything, he just can’t let me pay for my things with my sister.
So I respond, ‘if you’re not accusing me of anything, then there’s no reason to keep me from passing through my sister’s checkout. If you’re doing so, it’s because you think one of us is going to steal something or whatever.
Either one or both of us are being insulted for no reason.’
He and my sister tell me that I can just go to the next checkout, but I’m really angry with this guy’s presumption. Here’s where I might be the jerk: I was so annoyed at the way I was being treated that I threw my groceries on the floor, and said that I’d be going someplace where I wouldn’t be accused of being a criminal. I went home thinking that my sister would be thanking me for standing up for her dignity, but she was ANNOYED, saying there was no need to cause a scene and that I’m not to set foot there again.
There was no need to say that, I absolutely will not be going there again of my own volition. I may have been a bit harsh with the guy who was just doing his job, but as an employee of the company, he’s a representative of the company.
Hopefully, word of this will go up to management and they’ll withdraw this ridiculous rule that only serves to shame customers.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You took a generic and common policy personally, which makes you look both suspicious and just cringe-worthy levels of anti-authority.
You threw your groceries on the floor which is basically never acceptable. You embarrassed your sister at her place of employment. Your level of outrage made it look like you WERE trying to steal, which now puts suspicion on your sister.
Your sister never asked you to defend her. You were a jerk rather than just staying calm and asking for clarification about the policy. Idk I really can’t find one thing you did right in this story.
Did I mention you THREW YOUR GROCERIES ON THE GROUND after your whole little temper tantrum? I bet your sister was the one who had to clean it up too, so I’m sure she’s really thankful you stuck it to the man.
Btw, my toddler knows better than to throw things on the ground when she’s angry.
Yeah, YTJ all around. Apologize to your sister. If she wants you to apologize to her boss, then you should. If she doesn’t want you to apologize to her boss, you should follow her wishes and also maybe just never shop there again.” zarza_mora
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. A lot of retail stores have a similar policy, especially if you’d be getting a family discount (in the retail stores I’ve worked at you couldn’t ring ‘yourself’ up, and therefore couldn’t ring up an order with your own family discount).
He wasn’t accusing you of being a criminal, this policy was probably put in place because of a few other employees in a few other stores that were taking advantage of the system and they have to enforce it equally.
You just embarrassed your sister at her place of employment, threw groceries on the floor (creating a mess for your sister or one of her co-workers to clean up and possibly damaging something), and made yourself and your sister look shadier than if you’d just stepped to the next register.
At the very least you made your sister look bad in front of your boss. You owe her an apology.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
First, that rule was clearly implemented for a good reason. Most supermarkets allow you to check your own stuff out, with very little oversight, so if a particular store prohibits any specific cashier/customer interaction, it’s because they’ve been burned by it severely in the past.
Second, the supervisor clearly knows you’re related. Maybe you live in a town with 100 people where everybody knows everybody, but I’m guessing he knows about the relationship because it’s been an issue before, for one reason or another.
My guess is that someone whose first response to being asked to switch lanes is to dump all her groceries on the floor and storm out… MIGHT have possibly caused an issue before.
Third, in light of issue #2, I’m guessing this has less to do with anything criminal, and more to do with the fact that the store management doesn’t want you monopolizing one of the employees’ time.
If she checks you out and it takes 30 minutes because you’re too busy chatting to just pay and leave, then it’s an easier solution to push you off to some other aisle where you don’t personally know the cashier.
Fourth, I don’t know why you would expect your sister to be happy for you ‘standing up for her dignity’ by embarrassing her in front of her boss and coworkers. I’m quite certain both of them AND the company’s upper management will consider your loss of patronage to be an acceptable sacrifice on their part.” Restil
4. AITJ For Not Letting My Parents Visit Me?
“I grew up in Chelyabinsk, Russia, a fairly decent-sized city in central Russia, kind of close to Kazakhstan. My parents were in charge of some local mining operations and they were fairly well off. I admit I was a bit of an idiot as a middle schooler/teen, I did illegal stuff, drank excessively, graffitied, and other stuff.
I did get arrested a couple of times. My parents then decided to send me to a military boarding school in Turkmenistan, like, why? I begged them not to, I promised I’ll change, I asked for a therapist, boarding school in Russia or a western country just not there.
They said I needed to learn the hard way. Really I think they just wanted me gone.
My dad and I flew to Ashgabat when I was 15. I just assumed the school would be in Russian, everyone speaks Russian in Turkmenistan.
Nope turns out my school was in Turkmen, great. The first year was miserable, I didn’t understand the teachers, thankfully most students were nice and helped me out. After a year I eventually spoke proficient Turkmen. My grades rose.
My parents called or emailed like once a month, they usually ignored me. They visited once a year, or I went back. At this point, my parents were dead to me.
During my first summer, they didn’t even let me come back to Russia, so I had to work and provide for myself in Mary (a city in Turkmenistan, not a girl) which is where I met the love of my life, Ogulgerek.
She visited me and snuck into my school all the time. She’s amazing. Her family took care of me too, I consider them to be my parents more than my biological ones.
I didn’t see my parents for another 1.5 years until graduation when they did visit.
At this point I really didn’t care about them, they seemed all excited to see me and bring me back to Russia, I told them no, I’m not going back with them to Russia, in going to the Turkmen military academy.
They were annoyed saying in Russian and their son, I told them they abandoned me so I’m abandoning them. Years later I’m a Colonel? Not sure of the equivalent or translation, and I fly a Sukhoi 25, my job is awesome.
My parents are begging me to visit them or have Mr visit, I’ve always told them to get lost. They’re really toxic and just want to brag about me, I’m not joking they brag about my accomplishments on VK (Russian social media).
My sister and other family are trying to mediate but I’m not interested, I’ve visited and kept in contact with them.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
I don’t know why you’re asking why your parents sent you off to a military boarding school.
From the way you describe yourself, it seems like despite them providing you a comfortable life, you were difficult. Excessive drinking, doing illegal stuff, getting arrested, multiple times at that. This was probably their last straw with you.
That’s why. Take some accountability. And look at how much you’ve improved from the little information you’ve given about your progress at the school.
Where your parents are in the wrong is the minimal contact, a month is (in my opinion) a long time to stay out of contact with your child.
Their choice to choose a boarding school where you wouldn’t be able to speak the language and have a difficult time is also not okay. Like suggested, they could have sent you to a boarding school where you could understand and speak the language.
I do feel they somewhat gave up on you and most likely felt a weight lifted off their shoulders with you gone.
You have a right to refuse their visit.” mangosforevie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I totally hear why you’d be so bitter.
I would just put this little point out there. They sent you there to get your life straightened out. Looks like you were able to do that. Perhaps not in the nicest way, but sometimes the adversity of life is our best motivator.
You now say that you have met the love of your life, and your life is better. Your parents may not have been the best out there, but they did put you in a position to get that life however ugly the start of it was.
You could continue to hold a grudge and be angry, or you could try to find some forgiveness in your heart and be grateful for where you have landed in life. They won’t be here forever. Carrying such hate into the rest of your life is not going to set you up for your best life and could poison other areas.
I don’t know if your parents are just real jerks, or felt like they simply did not have the skills to handle your issues. Either way, it sounds like you’ve achieved a life of purpose with love. If for no other reason, maybe it’s time to let go of this anger and bitterness and mend fences so that you can truly leave all of that behind.” Special-Parsnip9057
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here (just a little)
You admit that you had some issues when you were younger. I’m sure everyone did. If your parents didn’t send you to military school, ask yourself honestly where you think you would be today?
It may have been harsh, but as you said you found an amazing life partner and you have a job you’re successful at and love doing. It was harsh of them to not visit you more often.
Holding a grudge against your parents is not healthy though, for you or them. Communicate how their actions made you feel. Forgiveness is not for other people, it’s for your own peace. You don’t have to be super close with them, but having a positive relationship with your parents would be beneficial. Childhood is when you think your parents are gods, adolescence is when you recognize they have faults, adulthood is when you forgive them for their faults.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Imagine being put in a boarding school that is paid for by your parents as the last resort cause you were a ‘trashy teen’ and calling that being abandoned. Tell that to all the kids out there that really got abandoned with no contact or financial support from their parents.
They didn’t just decide one day, nope don’t want to be parents anymore to this 5-year-old time to leave them in a ditch somewhere. They had a trashy teen that they couldn’t handle anymore.
I particularly like how vague you were about how good your life was that your parents provided for you while you were a child all the way through your awful teen years.
If you weren’t neglected prior to being sent off to boarding school, they weren’t the ones who blew up your relationship, you did.
When you have a child someday and that kid that you’ve provided and cared for becomes a ‘trashy teen’ throwing away every single opportunity and privilege you’ve provided them, maybe then you’ll understand what your parents went through.
You obviously don’t have to maintain any relationship with anyone you don’t want to but don’t even try to act like they’re the ones who soured your relationship, you did that long before they gave up on you.” KenjiMuyo
3. AITJ For Cutting A Kid's Hair The Way He Wanted?
“I (20f) work at a chain haircut salon, a few weeks ago a kid around 15-17 came in with his grandma. I get them checked in and bring him back to my chair. his grandma starts telling me how to cut his hair and how she wants it, while he’s saying back he doesn’t want it that way and I could tell he was visibly upset.
I decided it was best if she didn’t hover over me, and told her she had to wait in the lobby, which the lobby she couldn’t see us. after she was gone I asked him how he would like it cut because I could tell he really didn’t want what his grandma wanted which was a disconnected haircut (the short on the sides, long on top) and he wanted a fade.
so I decided to kinda incorporate both haircuts to make both somewhat happy. I get done and he really likes it, and even thanks me for not completely doing the other haircut, it’s still long on top like she wanted but it’s faded more than she wanted
Well we get done and we go to the front and as expected she starts yelling at me that it’s not what she wanted and that he’s not old enough to make the decision about the haircut he gets.
keep in mind this kid said he was a junior in high school. she proceeds to yell at me the whole time she’s paying and leaves no tip which I expected, and storms out.
Afterward, I talked to my manager about it and she said I should have just done it how the grandma wanted, but in the end, I feel like I made the right choice.
I didn’t want to make that kid hate his hair I wanted him to feel comfortable. but my family tells me I also should have just cut his hair and not gotten involved. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Morally I completely agree with you, the kid should have been allowed that choice and for her to try and take it from him is wrong and cruel. I was able to choose my style and color from a young age and I always appreciated having that choice.
I think all kids should have at least some control over it, more as they grow. I’m so happy you listened to him and gave him something he liked and tried to work with them both.
However he wasn’t your customer, she was.
He may have got the haircut but he wasn’t paying the cost of the service. She had every right to choose it, especially because he is a minor. Even if he was an adult, technically she could still have the right since she made her wants as the customer knows.
Honestly, she didn’t even have to pay for the service because of what you did and could have demanded another stylist cut it or even just leave without paying. She didn’t get what she paid for.
And as much as I hope she sees the light and lets him keep it, there is every chance she’ll take him to another salon (or return to the salon you work at and have it changed) and have it cut the way she wanted. That also means she may pay twice as much for a service she was clear about in the beginning and without knowing their home lives this could hurt them or him as a result.
If she does choose to have it redone it may be even more devastating because he got what he wanted and it may soon be ripped away.
You had the best intentions and while technically you are a jerk for refusing to do the work you were paid for, I don’t want to say Everyone Sucks Here.
She isn’t a jerk for being annoyed that she didn’t get what she paid for, but she is one because that kid needs someone to listen to him, and clearly, she didn’t.” MyCrimsonDahlia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t understand parental figures who are so obsessed with what their kid’s haircut looks like.
Teenagers are in the process of developing a sense of self-identity. A huge portion of that is what they look like on the outside. The harder parents fight this, the more the kid is going to want to rebel.
There’s nothing to stop this kid from just shaving his head in a fit of pique to get back at his grandmother’s overbearing authoritarian rule. You did the right thing for the kid’s emotional well-being, but you got stiffed in retaliation.
It sucks, but in the end, if you’re happy with what you did, and the client whose hair you cut is happy, then that’s all that matters. Your boss may not be happy with you because they likely lost a paying customer, but do you care?
Nah. Me neither.” Maleficent-Jelly-865
Another User Comments:
“This is a tough one. But I’m going with a very, very soft YTJ (though I really want to leave no judgment because it’s such a tough spot)
I have to say I HATE parents/ adults like that.
The ones that try to control their kids and how they look. They ignore what their kid wants because they think they know better. And I think it was a good idea to try to find a happy compromise
That being said, I’m guessing grandma was paying which is where things get complicated. Obviously, I don’t think you should have given the kid a cut he would have been unhappy with. Kid needs to feel comfortable in their own skin and a haircut goes a long way.
What I’ve seen a lot of hairstylists do in situations like this is just refuse service. They tell the parent/ guardian that they won’t do something the lord clearly isn’t comfortable with and refuse service. And I think this is the best option.
Because maybe, (though I suppose probably not) if stylists are consistent about it, parents might eventually stop. But they might take it home.
In the end, the kid is probably going to half to deal with the rage of his guardian, and enjoying the haircut will not last like it should.
You dealt with them for a brief time and he has to live with the ramifications. And that is the ONLY reason I say every so slightly yta.” Pixiegirl128
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here (except the kid)
The grandma obviously sucks for now allowing the kid to make his own choices about life and hair.
However, the grandmother was the customer and offered to pay for a specific service. You chose to do something else entirely but still charged her.
That’s messed up.
What would I do? Ask the kid if he is willing to get the haircut the grandmother wants and if he says ‘no,’ respect his wishes and not give him a haircut. (or if you are feeling particularly generous give him a haircut for free).
But asking her to pay for something she didn’t want is not OK and makes you a jerk here.
Not only should she not have tipped you, but she should also have refused to pay you since you didn’t provide the service she requested.” ACorania
2. AITJ For Telling Sister That Her Buying A House Doesn't Count?
“So my sister lives in South Africa with her significant other. We’re from the UK for reference. Recently, she and her SO bought a house. This house is huge, to say the very least. It’s got 4 bedrooms, 3 of which have a bathroom, with the largest bedroom having a walk-in wardrobe.
There are 2 other bathrooms, as well as a pool. Not to mention that it has two garages and a massive garden.
Recently, my sister was talking about her house, or more so bragging about her house. I want to make it clear that I’m very happy that my sister and her partner have been able to buy a house, however, the property is very cheap in South Africa, so that same house would be over £1,000,000 in the UK.
While she was talking, I told her that her buying a house that big in South Africa isn’t really the same as buying a house as large as that in the UK, for the reasons listed above. She jokingly told me that I need to stop being so jealous, however, she hasn’t spoken to me since.
According to my mother, my sister thinks that I was being a jerk by saying what I did, which my mother agrees with. My mother thinks that she and her partner earned the funds to buy the house, so it counts just as much as buying a house here.
I’m aware that I could have phrased things better, however, I still stand by the premise of what I said.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Yes, the property is cheaper in South Africa, but are she and her partner getting paid as much there as they would in the UK?
Usually, if property values are low in a country, so is the generalized pay rate. And even if they do get paid about the same as they would in the UK, for them, this is a HUGE deal. Of course, they want to brag about it.
First-time homeownership is a big deal for anyone, let alone if you can find a decent-sized one within your price range.
If you do not want to listen to her talk about it, you could simply tell her that you have heard enough and to stop.
Saying that it doesn’t count? That is just rude and completely unnecessary. If they had managed to buy a huge house in the UK with that same amount because the said house was foreclosed on and being auctioned off, would you have said it didn’t count either?
Or if they had bought a good one in a buyer’s market, while you bought a similar one in a seller’s market? Your sister is right. You sound more jealous than justified in your remarks. Your mother is also right that they earned the funds to buy the house, and it counts.” SayerSong
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
South Africa has much lower average incomes than the UK, much higher interest rates, and much higher home insurance premiums (as well as more intense private security requirements, private medical aid requirements, and other expenses that push up the cost of living there).
Many people in South Africa struggle to buy a home.
Also, depending on where she bought it, it might not even be super affordable, for example, the real estate market in Cape Town is very hot.
But also, you turned this into a competition when it should have just been an exciting thing for your family to celebrate with her.
I’m an ex-pat myself, and I know when I have good news, I want to share it with my family and include them in it, which means sharing details. I’d be very hurt if one of my brothers reacted with vitriol the way you did to your sister.” According_Shine_3802
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
The thing that matters most about this post is that you didn’t believe she ought to be as happy or as proud as she was of her own accomplishments. Do you also like to tell Paralympians that their medals don’t really count as Olympic medals?
She is allowed to brag about things she’s proud of to the people who are supposed to be rooting for her. You are supposed to be one of those people. I don’t care if she was bragging about a studio apartment in the middle of the Sahara, she wanted to share something she loved with you and your ego couldn’t take that, in some material way, you felt inferior.
I also don’t think you’ve thought this far, but do you know why an English house is ‘worth’ more than a South African one? Do you think you are better than your sister – and the people who live in South Africa – because you live in England?
You’re not.
Her accomplishments are different than yours, her life is different than yours, and you are the one trying to put them on a scale with yours that is weighted towards you.” KittyKiitos
1. AITJ For Not Cleaning The Floors At Work When It's Not My Job?
“I (17F) have worked at a small deli in my town for the last 3-months or so. It’s my first job and the duties that were given to me when I was hired were to work the register and answer the phone.
I’m not old enough to legally work the slicers or other equipment so there isn’t a whole lot else I can do anyway.
A few days ago, I was working with 2 other people when the assistant manager decided to stop in to do some paperwork or something.
I was just standing around at the front desk since there were no customers. When the assistant manager came in one of my coworkers was in the kitchen making salads and the other was slicing some meat, so I was the only one not doing anything.
The AM went to the office for a bit and came back out after about a half-hour and asked me what I was doing. I told him I was just waiting for customers or for the phone to ring and he told me to grab a broom, start wiping tables, clean the bathroom, and do something other than just standing around.
He said I’m not getting paid to just stand around all day, so I might as well do some cleaning. I told him I wasn’t hired to clean and asked him why he asked the only female on shift to do the cleaning.
He said he didn’t care if I was a female or not, I was the only one standing around doing nothing and so he gave me something to do.
I told him nothing in my job description says anything about sweeping floors or cleaning bathrooms and told him I wasn’t doing it.
He said he didn’t have time to fight me about it so if I was going to refuse to do anything other than stand around, I might as well clock out and head home. So I did.
Later that night, I got an email from the manager/owner telling me that she wants to have a meeting with me to discuss what happened. I emailed her back with my side of the story, but she replied that she would prefer to have this discussion in person.
Before the meeting, I found the paperwork I was given when I was hired outlining my job description and reread it. Of course, there was nothing in there about cleaning so I took it with me to the meeting.
My boss took me into her office and let me give my side of the story and I presented her with the paperwork of my job description. She stopped me before I could finish and told me she knows what she hired me to do.
But she also said that she hired me to be part of a team, not to just stand around doing nothing. She also said she didn’t appreciate that I pretty much called her assistant manager discriminatory when all he did was try to give me something to do.
She gave me a written warning and now I’m pretty much one mistake away from being fired. I don’t think I did anything wrong, and I think the AM might have told a different version of what actually happened, but I can’t prove it.
This is my first job and I’m still learning, but I also really like having funds of my own and don’t want to get fired.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s your first job, so you’re learning how things work.
That’s fine. Generally, with an hourly job, you keep yourself busy or get sent home. If you want to stick to strictly what was written out as your duties, they’re within their rights to send you home when there is no need for you.
So, if you’d like to earn at this job, learn to sweep.
But that part I wouldn’t call you the jerk over, you’re young and learning.
The jerk part is how your first instinct is to call your manager sexist. That’s so incredibly uncalled for.
As a woman, when other women pull the ‘sexist’ card FOR NO REASON, it makes it harder for women to speak out against ACTUAL sexism and be taken seriously. For the sake of everyone, please don’t do that again.” Asleep_Barracuda5096
Another User Comments:
“If you have a line in your job description ‘and other duties assigned’ like 99% of job duties have, you’re in the wrong.
If you do not, your employer overlooked that.
Most employers assign menial ‘busy work’ because they like seeing your wage being with as much to them as possible.
This is extremely common in small businesses. Still very common in larger businesses.
I worked my way into a position that does not have ‘busy work’ because just like how it upset you, it upsets most people.
Everyone sucks here because of how you brought in sexism over a disagreement that had nothing to do with it, and because bosses who assign busywork suck.” Dragonkindren1
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Like I would understand if he was telling you to slice meat. Yeah, you’re only 17 so you can’t legally touch the slicer or even clean it but sweeping and mopping is just a normal job task at any job that works with food.
If you can’t understand that then that is not the job for you. And also you might have been hired as a cashier but that doesn’t really mean anything. When you work in an environment with food or even any job you do what’s asked of you.
I understand it’s your first job so you might be confused but also you’re almost an adult and should kinda know better at this point that you have to work as a team and follow what your boss tells you.
I would probably start looking for another job as well. You kinda made it on their list to get rid of since they now see you as not following directions or working well with others.” Crying_Conrad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
My attitude with my employees is simple: do work when there’s work to do. Now, it’s delicate because obviously if there isn’t enough work people get let go.
Here’s a secret: assistant managers are nonsense.
They’re narcs.
Go to the manager, and clarify your duties. That’s not going over anyone’s head. You have a right for responsibilities to be delineated clearly.
The fact is there are plenty of jobs right now so they need you more than you need them.
Now, he/she might say well if you don’t have anything else to do, you might as well sweep the floor. I think that would be fair.
Also, here’s the thing: this idea that to earn you need to be moving at 100mph from the second you get there is nonsense.
A lull in the day makes up for when it’s busy.” Sufficient-Farmer614
It doesn't mean you have to do it all, though. You should at keast try make yourself look good and needed, though.
It isn't being a jerk; you are naive. Life will hand you a big lesson soon if you don't work a little harder.
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