People Are Very Opinionated About These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Embracing My Arabic Roots Despite My Mom's Trauma?
“I found out not too long ago that apparently, contrary to my usual thoughts that I was purely a Spanish person, I have only a 20-something % of Spanish ascendance.
After a very exhaustive research, I found out my family comes from Arabic roots. I was surprised because my parents never talked about it.
When I asked my mom why she hadn’t told me about our Arabic origins, she told me she wanted to ‘leave that part of her in the past’ because her childhood surrounded by Arab culture was, according to her, really painful and traumatic.
I tried to not bring it up again with her, however, I was quite intrigued and dug deeper into research about our culture and origins. I started learning Persian and did some deep investigation about Arabic traditions and whatnot.
My mom didn’t want to, but I really tried to embrace my cultural roots, especially in a country where unfortunately islamophobia and anti-Arab discrimination are quite strong.
I’ve written papers with a lot of research on Arabic culture and Arab countries, with a focus on Tunisia, and started talking about it with friends and family, who are mostly quite interested, except for my mom who is raging mad that I’m not respecting her wish to leave her Arabic roots in the past, even if I barely talk to her about it.
This made me snap and yell at her that ‘she’s literally just being xenophobic against herself’. She has given me the silent treatment ever since. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your Mom: “I have trauma about this part of our family background I don’t want to dwell on it.” You: “Okay!
Well, I’m going to get super into this, make it a big part of my identity, and shove it into your face every day!” Bonus: you, according to your post history, have an irrational hatred of Minnesota, a place you’ve never been to and admittedly know little about…yet here you are, yelling at your mom for having totally rational discomfort about something she has personal, painful experience with.” chernaboggles
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Something that I think is interesting with 2nd, 3rd, + generation immigrants and even 1st Gen is that sometimes it is eventually forgotten that your family left for some reason. It’s always not a bad reason but it can be, ex persecution, threats to family safety, etc. So original immigrants remember that trauma whereas descendants can romanticize this which isn’t necessarily but in this case is heavily insensitive.” MdVictoire
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She isn’t being xenophobic, she isn’t being prejudiced, she is reflecting on her own personal experiences. And why are you studying Tunisia and learning Farsi? Your deep-dig research is not so great. Anyhoo, not relevant. You talk about it with your other friends and family who don’t have your mother’s experiences and they are fine.
Goodie goodie gumdrops. You talk about it with your mother who, being your mother and all that, has your mother’s experiences and she is not fine. Well, that was blandly predictable. And you snap at her. “Why are you upset that I’m talking to you about the thing you didn’t want to talk about because it upsets you?!
You’re being xenophobic against yourself, even though that is literally not possible!” Yeah, you are the jerk.” TheTrueAHWasInsideUs
20. AITJ For Not Allowing A Stranger To Join Our Vacation?
“My wife and I have had a pretty nice beach vacation planned out for about a year now. The house we rented is overkill for two people to say the least, so she got the idea of inviting a few people we trust to come down with us at no cost. She figured it’s going to cost us the same regardless, so it’d be cool if a few people who couldn’t normally spring for such a trip would be able to enjoy it too.
One of our invited guests has met some dude online and wants him to come hang out, to which my wife and I instantly said no. Nothing personal, we don’t know him, she doesn’t know him, and this place was darn expensive.
He might be cool, but he might suck, and we don’t want to take the risk of allowing it. The last thing we need is some random stranger doing something stupid and leaving us on the hook for it, or even worse, causing a bunch of trouble for everybody.
So he’s not staying in my house, I’ve made that abundantly clear, but now the idea is he’ll drive down and stay somewhere else. Our friend wants to stay with us still but plans to come and go as they please to hang out with the random guy nobody knows.
So basically we thought enough of someone to let them tag along free of charge on this awesome trip, but it kinda feels like we’re being taken advantage of now.
Anyway, am I the jerk here? The whole thing kinda rubbed me the wrong way, but maybe I’m off base.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I would not let someone who is a stranger to me as well as a stranger to my guest come and have access to my house, my purse while I am in another room, my sleeping person, etc. It’s my accommodations for a vacation!
Your friend is rude to 1) ask to invite him. 2) argue with you about it and act like you are being rude (instead of accepting the no) 3) tell you that the friend is coming and she will spend time with him and he will get a hotel.
Chances are she will invite him over anyway.
I suggest you tell her: “I’m so sorry that we have had this misunderstanding about the vacation. It’s obvious that we came into this with different expectations. At this point, you believe we are being unreasonable so I think it is best if you back out.
It is giving us anxiety for you to come stay with us while at the same time you are telling us that you think we are being unreasonable hosts because you wanted to invite someone else and now are planning to spend all your time with that person.
I don’t see a solution where you can honestly tell us that you care about our comfort level about the accommodations and you are making NO attempts to assure us that you won’t put us in continued awkward positions with additional unknown expectations once we get there.
Your style of vacation makes us nervous and we are not compatible.” I hope maybe some of that might be helpful to say?” Mysterious_Bridge_61
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Her plans go against the spirit of your invitation. You invited her presumably because you like to spend time with her.
We do this with our friends etc… that we want to vacation with. Still, we don’t insist they have to spend every waking moment with us either. We encourage they also go out and do their own thing too but the point is to spend a fair amount of time together in this vacation destination.
Your friend wants to use your invitation so she has a place to crash at, her first priority is to go hang out with this guy and come/go as she pleases. I’d feel taken advantage of and would want to rescind the invite.
I can bring someone else more deserving of my invite who won’t just treat me as a convenient refuel/resupply point for their activities.” BeeYehWoo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a commonsense thing. This man is a stranger to you.
He’s pretty much a stranger to your friend who just met him. You might suggest that your friend stay with her new paramour but know that if things go bad, she can retreat to your place as a contingency. Her coming and going to visit this new guy is not why you invited her along.
If she does not want to share your vacation as originally offered, do not let her take advantage of you.” Infamous-Wasabi-9007
19. AITJ For Being Upset With My Husband's Lack Of Parenting And Disrespectful Stepchildren?
“I’ve been married to my husband for 9 years. We do not have children of our own, but he has 3 (19,16, and 12) from two previous relationships.
We constantly fight because of his kids’ lack of manners and his refusal to acknowledge he doesn’t parent them.
My husband works every other week and had his children on his week off. I work long hours in healthcare and came home yesterday to find a pile of dishes in the sink, and told my stepkids they needed to load them before their mothers would pick them up at 6 pm (15 minutes till pickup).
ALL of them, including my husband ignored me. I repeated myself 5 minutes before their departure and was met with “my mom’s here” by the 16-year-old. I looked at my husband and said “I’m not kidding, you were home all day, why didn’t you have them load?” We live a comfortable life and have a cleaner come every week, kids don’t have any chores.
My husband turned around and mocked my request in the most demeaning manner ever and the kids started laughing. I kept quiet and threw all the dishes into the sink. The kids came to say bye and I ignored them.
I left the house, picked up dinner, and left his on the table. My husband and I haven’t spoken since yesterday. I’m at a crossroads where I don’t know if I want to deal with him or his obnoxious offspring any longer.”
Another User Comments:
“He’s not going to change because this has been happening since before you all married. He likes the way things are. The kids like the way things are. Only you don’t like it. So, really, you have one decision: what are you going to do, considering they all like it this way and you don’t?
I have an idea of what you should do but it’s not my life.” Shalane-2222
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, my husband wanted me to take on a more parental role with my stepson when we got married, and there have been 2 times that I did just that, and my husband kind of made a joke of it.
He is just the most amazing man ever, so I was really shocked by it in the moment. I waited until my stepson was in bed and then had a serious discussion with him that I would not tolerate being mocked and that he wasn’t doing his kid any favors.
And just bluntly asked, what the heck was wrong with him that he would do that?! I don’t think he really knew why he’d done it. He’s only slipped up one time after that, and I just looked at him with a raised eyebrow and said, “Nope.” and shut that down real quick.
Later I asked him, “Are we going to have a problem here?” To his credit, he was contrite and immediately apologized. Now it’s a running joke that if he starts getting a little too froggy, I’ll just say “Nope” and he stops before he gets in hot water with me (taking jokes too far, or teasing too much, getting close to hurting my feelings type of stuff).
I had just cleaned the house top to bottom before I left for a work trip for 4 days and said, “Ah, I’m really looking forward to coming back home to this nice, clean house!” He teased and said, “Nah, stepson and I are going to be living the bachelor life while you’re away.
We’re going to live it up and make a huge mess!” I said, “I WILL come back to a nice, clean house. If I walk through that door and the place isn’t just as clean as I left it, I’m just gonna say ‘Nope’ and walk right back out the door.
You know I will!!!” They both laughed and yet the house was still spotless when I got home.” Immeasurable51
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but this isn’t on the kids. Their lack of manners and responsibility is because your husband isn’t raising them right.
Or at least, he isn’t teaching them to respect your home. Do they do chores at their mom’s house? I don’t think you’re a jerk, but having a cleaner come in every week so that they don’t have to do chores isn’t a smart move.
They don’t load the dishwasher because they don’t do chores and therefore don’t feel like they have a responsibility to your house. Your husband is, obviously, the jerk here. He’s failing as both a parent and a husband.” [deleted]
18. AITJ For Refusing To Hear Out My Stepdad After His Supposed 3-Week Change?
“I (15 female) and both my sisters, (19, and 12) have recently moved out of my mom’s house due to our stepdad. My older sister left first after an argument when he told her her opinion did not matter.
(Tension had been building up before this as well) So after that, she left.
A few weeks later, I also got into an argument with him as well, and when I said ok I’m leaving, he told me good, leave.
Not long after my little sister followed and my mom then filed for divorce from him.
But now, a few weeks later, my mom has agreed to a 6-month separation where he is going to counseling and trying to get better, and they’re hopeful that we’ll forgive my stepdad and they won’t have to divorce.
(Keep in mind my mom was on our side a few weeks ago and now still wants to be with him, he’s also been very manipulative towards my mom in the past).
Now my mom is trying to tell us to hear him out and that he’s changed (in 3 weeks) and he’s going to keep changing more and I’ve told her no. He has done too much at this point and there’s nothing he can do to fix it.
(He’s done a LOT, too much to say here, but a bit is he’s called us all jerks and said we were ruining their marriage, threatening to burn our stuff, and more). My sisters agree with me and none of us think we could ever forgive him, so would I be the jerk if I didn’t hear him out?
Even if he’s “changed.”
Just so I’m a little more clear, the six-month separation they’re doing, they’re basically following through as if they were divorcing, with both going to counseling, alone and separate and seeing if they want to keep trying or not at the end of six months.
He also has given me and my older sister an apology, AFTER he found out my mom was filing for divorce (which makes me think he is just trying to save their marriage), and for mine, he was blaming everything on stress and work.
Also, he has burned my step-brother’s things before so his threats weren’t empty.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – people don’t change, he may temporarily alter his behavior to win your mom back but he’ll go back to his ways.
You can’t control how people treat you but learning to not accept substandard treatment is critical. You are a person of value and deserve to be treated with love and respect and feel safe in your own home. You have chances, he blew it.
What your mom does is on her and not you at all. Don’t let anyone force you into thinking otherwise.” Icy-Sun1216
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. His miraculous three-week transformation is sus af. This is not someone who is apologizing because they want to.
It’s a panic response to things going south for your very bad stepdad. He is verbally abusive to all of you. He has literally burned your step-brother’s things as a form of punishment. Anyone like this isn’t worth having in your life at all and you have no obligations to such a massively abusive jerk.” Karmic_Kiwi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, no one changes in 3 weeks, right now he’s in the love bombing stage, once he gets what he wants (your mom to stop divorce proceedings and get back together) he’ll start to revert to his old ways.
Be mindful he just wants your mother back, not you or your sisters, once your mom gives him one more chance he not only would be achieving his short/middle-term goal but he surely will make one more crack in the relationship between you, your sisters and your mom until it’s broken.
Hopefully, your mom’s therapist can help her see through the rose-tinted glasses, and if not, please be mindful that you still can have a relationship with your mother just not the same as of now and you have to enforce some hard boundaries.
Maybe go out to lunch once a month and she is not allowed to mention stepdad for anything. Also think about your youngest sister, she’s still a minor, so it’s possible they can force her to live with them until she’s legally an adult or is of age to decide with who she wants to live full-time.
You don’t say if your step-brothers are still in contact with him, my guess is they don’t and if they do is superficial.
NTJ, he has a long hard road out of his way, because remember his goal is to keep your mom, but if he has to use you and your sisters to accomplish said goal he definitely will do it.
I bet that’s what he’s doing, my guess is it’s one of your mom’s conditions.” Reddit User
17. AITJ For Insisting My Abusive Grandmother Not Attend My Graduation?
“My grandmother (mother’s mother) is one of my abusers. I have been NC as much as I can (when she lives in the same town and invites herself into the house) for almost a year now, and I feel like it has drastically improved my mental health.
NC means that, while the rest of my family still interacts with her like normal, they cannot talk to her about me, give her photos of me, update her on my life, etc. I also don’t talk to her and she is blocked on all my social media, and her number is blocked on my phone.
My graduation from high school is coming up. I have a twin sister who was also hurt by my grandmother, but she forgave her. My sister and I had completely different situations, and my grandmother did not abuse her like she did to me.
My sister wants my grandmother at the graduation, but she also wants our great aunt (grandmother’s sister) at the graduation, which is impossible, because our grandmother hates our aunt, and has publicly broadcasted it in the past. There is no way both can attend because my grandmother will do something once she finds out her sister is there.
In addition to this, I told both my sister and mother that my grandmother is not to go, and if she does, then I will not go to my own graduation. I know I might regret it, but I would much rather protect myself from her.
My mother told me it wasn’t fair to my sister to make this demand, because my sister would be crushed if I didn’t go to the graduation with her. I told my mother that my sister couldn’t have it both ways and that I wasn’t going to budge.
My sister doesn’t get to have a memorable and happy night at the expense of my mental health.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ? I think? Getting to this point obviously took a lot of time and a lot of jerkery, and it seems that you’re all divided, but this is too chaotic to really pick jerks here.
Never put yourself in a harmful or traumatic situation for anyone else, but also there’s not really a clear solution other than not inviting anyone to the graduation but your parents, and then dealing with it afterward at whatever celebration you have.
I think it would be a mistake to not go to your graduation with your sister, and you should do everything you can to make sure you go to that because not of all of us got that opportunity.” MetallicCrab
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Not everything has a meet-halfway option, it sucks, but that’s life. You’ve done well: you’ve set clear boundaries, got others on board with respecting these, and enforced them when necessary. That’s great, and no small feat!
It is not an issue to stick to these when it’s inconvenient. Plus, you did technically offer the option of you not going if your sister insisted on inviting grandmother, which is pretty much the only viable “compromise”. Sister isn’t a jerk for asking, and your mother isn’t a jerk for trying to see if there’s any way to make an exception.
It’s fine for her to want something, and to try to get it, and it’s fine for a mother to try to advocate for a child when the other is in opposition: as long as they both respect your decision and don’t try to sneak grandmother in to get both of you there or something ridiculous, the ask is fine.
At the end of the day, sister was already going to have to make a choice – grandmother or great-aunt – so if anything you’re making that easier by indirectly coming in on the side of great-aunt. She’ll still have a “memorable and happy night”, one person not making it won’t invalidate everyone and everything else, and it gives her an excuse to have a second mini-grad event with grandmother and without you.” GojuSuzi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but please don’t miss out on your graduation! It’s very possible that your sister will choose your grandmother anyway regardless of how you feel. If that happens, keep your chin up and go anyway!
Don’t let any of those people get in the way of your life and super important moment. You don’t have to talk to them either. Take an Uber or Lyft to take you to and from. Or smother your grandmother with sickening kindness and let her know that she does not have power over you!
Stand strong OP!” Percylover3
16. AITJ For Defending Myself Against A Friend's Rude Friend In Public?
“I (33M, single) am trying to figure out if I’m a jerk because a friend (30?F) of my friend (32F), was making extremely rude and disparaging comments about my life and I told her off about it, called her an idiot, shallow.
My friend said I’m a jerk because I told her friend off in public and made a “scene.”
Some key background info: I live at home with my parents, my mother (58F) has a lot of health problems and has a hard time doing stuff at home, and my dad (65M) is still working but is having trouble doing the stuff he used to due to age.
I take my mother to the store, do the yard work, gardening, etc for them. I also work a remote job making about $70,000 a year. I help pay for a lot of the bills, pay for the internet, pay for half the food.
I also have a metric ton of student loans ($250K total, with interest) from getting my B.Sci and M.Sci in geology. I also have had bad luck with relationships in the past, getting betrayed, and ghosted, so I am single by my choice as I don’t really want to deal with it right now.
These are important facts for later.
So the full story:
I went out to meet up with my friends that I hadn’t seen for a few years due to life, and other things. So during the course of the conversation, my friend asks how my family is doing.
I tell her, normal conversation happens. Afterward, her friend loudly says to me that she thinks I’m a failure and should be disappointed in my life because she heard me saying that I live at home with my parents, don’t own a house and I am still single.
That unless I make over 100k and have a house, I shouldn’t be seen in public, and that no woman will ever look at me. And made some other crude comments about me (that I’m not going to repeat).
I told her that I work full-time, and take care of my family, and that I have nothing to be ashamed about.
I told her that if that is her view she is a shallow idiotic individual and a jerk. She stormed off, my friend went after her. I said goodbye to my other friends there and went home.
Later that night, my friend called me and said I’m a jerk because I told her friend off in public and made a “scene”.
That I should have just let her talk at me and not said anything back, because she just got out of a bad relationship and is having problems in her life. That I was rude and inconsiderate of her friend and that I should apologize for it.
I told my friend that I will not apologize and would like to not be in the same room as them. She hung up on me and I haven’t talked to her since. My other friends think that I am just overreacting and that I should just apologize to stop any “waves.”
So if I’m the jerk, it would be because I told my friend’s friend off in public causing a scene, and refuse to apologize for it. What do you think? Am I being a jerk over this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If the friend doesn’t want people pushing back on her being rude, she shouldn’t be rude. And if she can’t handle the bad stuff going on in her life without being rude to people who have nothing to do with any of it, she needs to take that to therapy.
So unless the rest of this friend group also decides they’re sick of just sitting there and letting her behave poorly, I’d find other people to hang out with.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ based on how you describe it – sometimes an appropriate reaction requires standing up for yourself in public.
Possibly everyone’s a jerk here if you whitewashed your response a bit – there is a world of difference between saying what you said and yelling what you said, for example. For your friends that are attacking you over this, depending on how you actually defended yourself, they may not be the healthiest of people to hang with if they think someone should just take insults to avoid causing a scene.” Extension-Guess5911
Another User Comments:
“Seriously the one who needs to apologize is the friend of your friend for being rude in the first place. So what if you live with your parents you’re looking after them and helping them out. She insults you and then moans that she is going through stuff.
Sorry sweetie so are millions of people they don’t take it out on others. You’re not the jerk but she sure is so are the others who think you should apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong.” truthlady8678
15. AITJ For Telling My Half Sister My Dad Isn't Obligated To Be Her Father?
“My parents divorced when I was about 5 because my mom had been unfaithful to my dad and got pregnant with another guy’s kid.
Dad did a paternity test when my half-sister was born which, well, confirmed she was my half-sister. Her biological father wanted nothing to do with her so mom dedicated time to chasing after my dad to step up for my half-sister.
He told her no way and so she got with another guy to be my half-sister’s dad, but then he left when she was pregnant again. Then she had my half-brother.
I was around 9 when my dad was awarded primary custody because my mom was poor and hardly able to provide for three kids and we were often without food, we were living with no running water for quite a while, and I think the final straw was the three of us got sick, mom couldn’t afford medicine so dad paid for mine, but it became an issue with my half-siblings.
So Dad got me, and Child Protective Services set Mom up with some help. When I saw my mom it was every other weekend and she’d ask me to ask my dad for money, or if he could be a dad to my half-siblings.
She’d tell me how bad their lives would be with just her as family and how we all deserved the love and support of a dad and my dad was being cruel and selfish and mean to them to punish her.
I brought it up to my dad. He explained that he wasn’t part of my half-siblings’ family. That they had different fathers and because he and my mom were no longer together, it meant he wasn’t their parent. He told me he wouldn’t feel good stepping up for them.
I got it, mostly, back then. But as I got older and found out what happened via other people, I realized why and understood.
My half sister is 15 now and I know she’s still a kid but she’s driving me crazy.
She talks negatively about my dad all the time. I have tried to help her and my half-brother as much as possible since mom is still not great financially and they have no other family. But she will rant and rave at me that my dad is a piece of garbage, worse than their biological fathers, because he should have stepped up and she deserved to have a dad, and she should sue him for abandoning her and not being her dad.
I argued back with her a few days ago and told her my dad didn’t have to do anything, that he wasn’t her father and he was never her anything. She told me she would still sue him and make him pay for her and be there for her.
I told her she was being an entitled brat and she should focus her anger on Mom or even her own father, instead of mine. She said forget me and that I should not be okay with my dad when he left them to suffer but saved me.
She said I was a terrible sister.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I also don’t think your sister really is. She’s been raised by your mother telling her that your dad should’ve stepped up. Your mom was the jerk in this.
Now at 15, your sister is old enough to start getting the big picture, which is why I think it’s good that you said what you did. Hopefully, it’s a lesson she’s willing to learn, even if it might not come quick.
Your dad did nothing wrong and you’re right to say so. I’d say, keep hope she’ll understand eventually, but don’t hold your breath waiting for that to happen either. And know that none of this makes you a bad big sister at all!
You’re showing more maturity than your mom had in the whole ordeal.” Throwaway-2587
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your sister is brainwashed by her mother. She’s hurt, and right now, can’t put blame on the only person she has left. To do so will mean she is to face the fact that every adult in her life has failed her.
She’s not an entitled brat, she’s a sad, scared little girl, poisoned by her mother, with misplaced anger. You should pity her. I’m tearing up reading this because my mom pulled the same stuff on my siblings and myself.” ParentOfACommunist
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It’s really sad. I also grew up poor with parents with a victim mentality. Everything was everyone else’s fault. Everyone was racist, classist, and their situation had nothing to do with their poor choices.
It takes a long while to grow up and realize this. And some, never do. Because people who don’t have anything and get ingrained in their heads that the world just hates them don’t think maturely. Also, their mindset doesn’t do them any favors.
Because they think the world is terrible, they act entitled and treat people poorly too. I mean, in their world, it makes sense. The world is so bad to me, why should I expend energy to make it better for anybody?
I got lucky. I never got with the bad crowd. I had good teachers who, although I never told them about my circumstances, were good human beings to help me realize that the world wasn’t so black and white.
And when I stopped blaming the world and treated people the way I wanted to be treated, the world responded more kindly to me. You cannot convince your sister of anything. She has to come to that on her own.
The best thing to do is give her kindness and compassion. If she’s lucky like me, she might meet people who treat her with enough kindness and compassion to turn her mindset around. Hoping for the best for your family, truly.” [deleted]
14. AITJ For Ordering A Camera Without Consulting My Dad?
“I, an 18-year-old female, recently graduated high school and during my graduation party, I received a 500 dollar gift card for Amazon from my grandparents with a card saying “you can buy your camera for college now and not have to worry.”
So I got home from the party and my parents stayed there, and I went and ordered the camera along with a few other things. I triple-checked and researched the camera before actually buying it and it checked out for what I needed for my class at school.
And if for some reason it’s not what I need, I can return it and get a different one.
My father was extremely upset that I would buy the camera without him looking it over (he doesn’t like ordering things online at all and believes everything on there to be a scam).
I haven’t said anything to him about it directly because he reacts this way even if we’re buying something small (like stickers).
My mom told me not to worry about it and to just relax, but I’m just upset that he reacted the way he did when my grandparents told me specifically to order the camera- it was in the card they gave me.
It makes me feel like I did something horrible with the way he’s reacted and responded to this.
AITJ for not consulting him?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I remember when my stepdaughter bought herself a laptop. She didn’t ask me for any advice, just did it.
I’m a big computer guy, tech is my thing, and I’ve built her a couple of PCs over the years. I was surprised she didn’t ask, and truthfully my feelings were a little hurt, but I kept that to myself.
My feelings are MY problem, she made a decision on her own with her own money, so why should I care if she asked me for advice or not? I said “Cool! Let me know if you have any issues with it” and that was the end of it.
I did help her clean up some of the crapware and figure out what drawing stylus would work on it (she tried to get a cheap off-brand that wasn’t compatible) but otherwise she chose well for herself. In the end, I was rather proud and realized my hurt feelings were tied more to the fact she was grown and wouldn’t be around much longer.
Your dad should have done the same and just said “Awesome! Hope you love it!” Don’t sweat it. Hopefully, his reaction was like mine: misdirected emotion due to the fact his little girl is grown up and fixing to fly.” fistbumpbroseph
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If he even knew what to look for in a camera if it isn’t his hobby. When I went to college I had been researching laptops. My mom ended up getting me one I didn’t want that cost her more than one I wanted at the suggestion of our wood shop teacher… she was so happy she got one that already had Word on it and was plastic so it would be okay if I dropped it.
We had been discussing buying a computer for the duration of the school year too. She decided she wanted to surprise me and got it early…” EggOkNow
Another User Comments:
“LOL…I’m a dad, with two now-adult sons in the mid-20s.
First of all…N. T. J. At all. You did exactly what you should have done — especially given your dad’s assumptions about buying online. Secondly, this is definitely about more than just the camera. From my experience, his over-reaction is coming from one (or a combination) of three sources:
Passion for Photography: My first thought, when I read the headline, was that he must be an avid hobby photographer, and either wanted to share the process of picking your first camera, or tell you what to get. That is 100% dad behavior, but doesn’t seem to be the case here.
Processing You Growing Up: If he’s not upset that you picked your camera without him, then it’s very possible that this is really driving home the fact that you’re not a little kid anymore. Take it from me…it’s all for the best, but that’s a lot to process sometimes.
He’s Just a Control Freak: You’re the only one who knows whether this is in character for him whenever you make a decision, but it doesn’t seem like that’s the case. Given what you’ve said in your post, I’d guess it’s mostly a messy version of (2), with maybe a little bit of (3) thrown in, but again…that’s really for you to work out.
Definitely enjoy the camera, though. You deserve it.” LairBob
13. AITJ For Wanting My Neighbor's Child To Stop Yelling Constantly?
“I bought a house about 8 months ago. Next door, my neighbor has a child (about 10ish) who seems to have some mental developmental disorder. The problem is that their son will yell constantly.
He is often left alone to roam the back or front yard, where he will scream and yell. I don’t mean this in a rude way, but to give an idea of the yelling: it is an odd mixture of shouting, grunting, and guttural screaming.
It would be one thing if it was only every now and again (I get it, kids yell), but the kid will be allowed to yell loudly for several minutes (15+ minute sessions), several times a day, each day. He will also stomp around and bang on their deck, as well as kick their windows (which seems dangerous to me but I don’t know).
All around just making a LOT of random noise.
I’m not sure if it would be a jerk move to be like “Hey, can you stop your kid from yelling.” Kids with developmental issues can be a touchy subject, especially with the parents and I don’t want it to appear like I’m attacking them or making fun of their kid.
I just don’t want to have to listen to a kid yelling this much, every day. I don’t think it would be wrong to ask them to keep their kid under control, but want to be sure before I go make the neighbor angry.”
Another User Comments:
“I have an autistic 9-year-old boy & if he starts screaming when outside (actual screaming not the noise of play) then he comes inside until he’s calmed down. I don’t want to hear it so why would my neighbors, he’s my kid, not theirs, my responsibility to deal with not theirs.
We go through his breathing exercises until he calms then goes off to play again. He’s also not allowed out until after 10 am & must be in by 6:30 pm, I’m not having disturbing people’s lie-ins or waking younger kids going to bed. I would tailor your request as an issue with the duration of time he’s left to scream, not the screaming itself.
NTJ.” After-Driver9088
Another User Comments:
“If they are leaving a 10-year-old child with developmental delays home alone – then NTJ. That’s absolutely not ok. If he’s just outside getting his energy out, then YTJ…sorta…I’d agree that’s super annoying (15 minutes is a ridiculously long time, and can’t be good for anyone’s vocal cords) but also, he may have sensory issues that he just needs to get that out of his system.
I definitely wouldn’t say like “you’re a huge jerk if you say anything” because 15 minutes of straight screaming is unnecessary- but if it’s during the day (not at night or early morning) then he has every right to do that, just like you have every right to be loud during the day too.” Possible_Wing_166
Another User Comments:
“I work at night and have to sleep during the day. This would kill me. People seem to assume that since it’s daylight hours (and most of the world is up) it’s not bothering anybody. Even if I don’t have to sleep, I still want quiet inside my home.
But just like with loud music or dogs barking incessantly or any other nuisance, your right to enjoy your property ends at mine. If you’re hearing the yelling while inside your house on a regular basis, that’s unacceptable. Over the years, I’ve had to speak with neighbors about various nuisances keeping me from sleeping.
Often, they’ll be in denial, saying it’s not that loud, etc. Record how it sounds so you can play it back for them. People often can’t believe how sound travels and how cheap and thin walls are these days. They’ll still be defensive because it’s their kid but at least they’ll be confronted with the truth.
If you have an HOA, they may have ordinances governing unattended children. You may eventually have a civil claim about loss of enjoyment of your property due to the neighbor’s negligence–with documentation, of course.” OkHistory3944
12. AITJ For Wanting My House Keys Back From My Brother-In-Law?
“Last summer, my brother-in-law and his partner really helped my wife and me out with childcare.
We gave them house keys so that when they were with the kids they could come and go easily.
The situation has changed, the baby is now in daycare so they aren’t helping us out as much. However, we are fairly close to them, and they come over to eat at our place every couple of weeks.
What makes me crazy is that they don’t ring the bell, they just let themselves in! Sometimes I’m literally getting out of the shower and they are just in our house. It happened again this morning. They were coming over for breakfast and I was just getting ready and boom!
There they were. No knock, no doorbell, they just walk in!
I asked my wife today to ask for the keys back and I explained why. She thinks I’m overreacting and they are family and “our house is like their house”.
But no! It’s not! It’s our house, and I would like people to not just enter unannounced.
She’s refusing to talk to her brother about this and is telling me I’m not allowed either. She says I’m being selfish and weird about it and that it’s not a big deal that they just come in.
AITJ for wanting my keys back to prevent future unannounced entries?
I would NEVER just use someone else keys without ringing first.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The family “culture” has been established that this is okay, for them to let themselves in.
They will continue to do so unless you talk to them about it. Asking for the keys back seems extreme when you could simply have a conversation about your boundaries instead. “Hey, please knock first and wait for us to come to the door.
I don’t want you to accidentally see something you can’t unsee…” Your wife should be on your side with this, though–this is your house, too, and you deserve to feel comfortable in it.” elizabeastie
Another User Comments:
“She needs to ask her brother to please knock/ring the bell, that the key is for emergencies or childcare uses only.
They have different ideas of about personal space, but the fact that you’ve told your wife that you’re uncomfortable with this is reason enough for her to say something. I’d only ask for the key back if they don’t honor a request to knock instead of letting themselves in.
But first, someone has to actually ask them. NTJ – your wife is in this instance. You know one thing that might teach them to knock is them actually walking in on you in the front room. Try that option if you dare.” ParsimoniousSalad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but this one is tough. most families (At least those I have been around) are like that and if that happened to me I honestly would not mind. If my family just showed up at my house it’s unfortunate but they are family and they wouldn’t care if I showed up to their house unannounced either.
Especially when coming by for a visit, they are family. But not everyone is the same and I can understand your frustration, some people just like their space, and having a heads up, my best friend is like that. But at the same time, the pushback from your wife seems like it will be hard for her to budge.
While you are NTJ you may want to hold back on this one, if they are not roaming around the house when you are not there it may be better to have a “pick your battle” approach to this and leave it alone as it may cause more harm than good with your relationship with them and your wife.” [deleted]
11. AITJ For Not Messaging My MIL Regularly Despite Her Never Reaching Out?
“I recently found out that my MIL is upset with me because I haven’t been messaging her or reaching out. My partner never told me that she was upset, and she never messages me to talk, so I was blindsided.
We were all at a funeral when my partner’s brother said something along the lines of ‘you would know if you messaged MIL’. I was a little confused because I had no idea I was meant to be messaging her regularly.
My partner quickly interjected and said ‘I am really bad at messaging, so there is no need to take offence.’ His brother said ‘I’ve never seen someone on their phone so much and so bad at texting’.
I am the first person to admit that I’m bad at texting.
I apologized and said ‘I would make more of an effort’, then I asked if she was really upset or was it all a joke?
MIL looked at me like I was obviously in the wrong and said, ‘well, you could make an effort, like try to message once a fortnight’.
Everyone seemed to agree. I said I would do my best and let it go.
Later, when I was home I asked my partner how I was in the wrong when she didn’t message me and I pointed out that he should organize some events too.
He was defensive and said, ‘You should try a little, she doesn’t have many women in her life, and it is important to her’.
I know I should try harder but I also think she could message me. Anyway, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are not a mind reader. I don’t like how everyone ganged up on you about this either. Like initiating texts with her is a duty that you MUST do or everyone will be annoyed at you.
I feel like the 3 of them had a conversation without you and declared that you would be responsible for initiating all plans with her. Nice of them to let you know at a funeral. Your husband is a jerk for throwing you under the bus and expecting you to fulfill his duties in regard to his mother.
He’s also a jerk for letting his brother have a go at you too. It’s their mother, not yours. If they want extra effort made for her, they can both participate and initiate it as well and not dump it solely on you.
He and your BIL both sound like mamma’s boys.” cattripper
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can’t know what people don’t tell you. Sit down with your partner and have a serious talk about the relationship he wants to have with his mom.
Then decide together how to proceed. My MIL likes it when I message her pictures of our cats or some recipe. She only ever texts me first if she wants to organize something for my husband or it’s my birthday.
I humor her with the texts but refuse to add her on social media. My husband is fine with a distant relationship but asks that I poke him for the holidays. If you guys choose to humor MIL, just set a repeat reminder in your or your partner’s phone to text her.
Some phones even have a scheduled text feature so you can type a message and it will send at the designated time. Well worth the five minutes of setup. I’ll end with some advice my mom gave me. Your MIL just wants to feel thought of and included. She probably doesn’t want to actually go to many events or talk, but she does want to feel included. Find a way to do that within your own boundaries and it will make the relationship easier.” My own parents have been divorced for 26 years but my dad’s mom and my mom still talk.
Grandma is now the “out-law” at my family gatherings. (Can’t be an in-law anymore so she is the out-law). It seems like my mom’s strategy has worked well.” StarshineSoul
Another User Comments:
“HIS mother does not text YOU, but expects YOU to TEXT her?
And everyone in the family is miffy about it because you are a woman? My former MIL did not like me very much, because I am “not a typical woman,” whatever that means. I don’t text a lot, I hate talking to people on the phone, shopping for clothes is boring as all heck, and I don’t enjoy chit-chat.
Actual conversations are great, but nonsense conversations about things I could not care less about, no thanks. No, I don’t just randomly ask what your co-worker, who I only know in passing, is up to these days. I do not give a crap.
My craps are very limited, that is not a crap-giving worthy topic of conversation. Meanwhile, she never asked me any of those nonsense questions, and never wanted to have a meaningful or interesting conversation with me. But somehow, I was the jerk.
This, coming from a woman who would ask me something, about dinner or whatever, and then not bother to listen when I would immediately answer. Nor the second time I would give the same answer. Towards the end of the ten-year relationship, I just stopped answering, because I knew she wouldn’t listen.
She didn’t even notice.” TheGrimDweeber
10. AITJ For Telling My Cousin She's Not As Pretty As She Thinks She Is?
“My (16F) cousin (17F) is very blunt. She says what she feels and I don’t have a problem with it most of the time. I normally let her talk although I don’t agree with what she says.
There are some things that my cousin would say that I would tell her not to do though. Whenever I would show her a picture of one of my friends she would call them ugly and make assumptions on how she thinks they act.
I don’t think any of my friends are ugly and the assumptions she makes are always wrong.
Yesterday I invited her to hang out with me and my friends. She agreed. We hung out and talked then my cousin looked my friend dead in her eyes and said “You’re not that pretty.
Now that I actually look at you”. That friend of mine is very insecure about her looks and I told my cousin this beforehand. My friend excused herself to the bathroom and 2 other girls followed.
I was so angry at my cousin, she knew that my friend had insecurities and she thought it’d be okay for her to point out that she was ugly.
I turned to look at my cousin and I raised my voice and told her that she wasn’t as pretty as she thinks she is and that my friend is way prettier. My cousin stood up and walked away she looked as if she wanted to cry.
When I got home my aunt was there with my cousin on the couch. They want me to apologize. But I don’t want to. She disrespected my friend. My whole family is mad at me and I’m no longer allowed at family functions until I apologize.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Here’s your apology, “I’m sorry you use ‘brutal honesty’ to just be brutal. I’m sorry I ever invited you to meet my friends and I’m sorry you made my friend cry in the bathroom. However, I’m not sorry you got a taste of the brutal side of honesty.
Maybe now you’ll consider what you say and who you say it to.”” coneyb11
Another User Comments:
“Don’t invite her over. Don’t hang out. Don’t show her pictures of your friends. And learn to call people out immediately.
Like as soon as she got that first sentence out you should have told her that she was being rude, unkind, and untruthful and that you don’t tolerate such nonsense and she should leave. NTJ and if your family knows that she was unspeakably rude to guests in your house and still want you to apologize?
Then they are rude and wrong too and you should stop caring what they think and just tolerate them as long as you must. Also, what is with all these enmeshed families that are this invested in a situation between two teens?
Like, this isn’t a big deal? One cousin is a mean person and she got called out on it? Why would any adult care unless they were going to reprimand said mean person?” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – yeah, she isn’t a blunt person.
She’s a brat. Tell your family that your cousin always wants to say stuff (and make it known exactly what she said and did) and “be honest even if it’s blunt” so you returned the favor. You’ll no longer sugarcoat things for her.
It’s better to be honest right? Well, your cousin isn’t as pretty as she thinks she is (especially when she shows that personality) and she deserves to know the truth. Cause telling the truth is always the best, right? Honestly, do you even want to go to the family stuff with them there?
Stick to your guns on this one. Family doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be held responsible for their bad behavior.” Tasty-Biscotti355
9. AITJ For Calling Out Guests Who Arrived Early And Made Us Uncomfortable?
“A close family friend offered up their vacation home to my partner and me and we took them up on it.
We scheduled the dates with them well in advance with us scheduled to leave today. Our family friend confirmed the day several times with us and told us since we were leaving early Saturday he was going to let another couple come Saturday midday and spend the rest of the weekend there.
Ok, no problem of course.
Well, the couple arrives a day early (yesterday morning) and said there was a mixup and they got the day wrong, but since they were already here, they’d just stay in the free bedroom next to ours (we would be sharing the bathroom) and that it’d be fine.
They didn’t ask if that was ok, just assumed. They also had a dog, and we have dog allergies, unfortunately.
I called our family friend and told them of the mixup, that if the other couple was going to stay then alright but that we would just leave early because of the allergies and general discomfort.
He was angry they showed up early and firmly told them to go get a hotel, which they did.
My partner told me I was a jerk for this and I should have just sucked it up for one night, that I’m too big on personal space and should learn to loosen up a bit.
He also added that hotels in the area, especially last minute, were very expensive and we should have considered that.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Nope nope nope. 1. Other couple should learn how calendars work. 2. Other couple should have been mortified, not so entitled that they feel ok barging in on strangers.
They should wait their turn. 3. If your dog allergies are anything like mine, the last day of your trip would have been ruined. Not cool. 4. Partner is wrong to try persuading you to suck it up. If he wants to please people, he should focus on his partner before these strangers and their dog.
5. Partner needs to be reminded that it was vacation home owner’s decision that the early birds should get a hotel.” AdEmpty4390
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner is out of line. The other couple was also out of line.
Both of which are confirmed for you by the friend who owns the place’s reaction to them showing up early and wanting to stay there anyway. It’s not your problem that hotels are expensive, or that they showed up early.
(It makes me wonder, though, if showing up early was really just due to a date mix up) You aren’t considering taking the relationship with your partner to the next level, are you? Please say “no.” He needs to learn about boundaries and limits himself.
He should not expect you to change by “loosening up” but should change his expectations of you. He should not be trying to change you into someone else.” KatsEye68
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I once booked accommodation for my mum and me on mum’s credit card with her approval, it was a cute cottage on a river with a spa bath!
What they failed to mention on the website was that they had off-peak water, no shower in our room, and it was off the beaten track. Another couple arrived after we were settled and the owner came and asked for our names, and all our details, saying the wrong date to us, etc, she had her days wrong and her internet was down, so she couldn’t check the booking.
Anyway, we only stayed the one night, the other couple got pushed into a crappy room, we also shared a door with them to the bathroom, if they pushed hard enough, they would have had access to our side. We stayed in a shabby motel the next night and was so much nicer.
Lol NTJ.” mrraymondgerd
8. AITJ For Singing A Song To My Wife At Our Wedding?
“I just got married last week (my wife and I are both in our thirties). I am Mexican, she is American, but we both grew up in the US and both our families know both languages. My wife planned every bit of the wedding and was a very controlling and nervous bride, but alright, I get that she was stressed.
During the reception, I went to the band and asked them to play a song for me to sing to my new wife. It was Te Amare by Miguel Bose. It was the song from our first date in a really bad Mexican restaurant, so it became a long-standing joke between us.
The guests really loved the song, my mother-in-law cried and told me it was beautiful, but my bride seemed upset. I asked her what was wrong and she said I am a jerk for taking the spotlight to enforce my ethnicity and not just let the band sing our song for us.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ — Is she normally like this, though? What an odd reason for being upset. I’m of Mexican descent and my husband is of Polish/German descent, so we worked on highlighting traditions from both sides at our wedding (although more from the Mexican side, since I follow more of my traditions than he does).
I know she may have been stressed, but it was your wedding, too. Has she shown any indications of having an issue with Mexican heritage before? You’ll want to find out now before you have kids (if that is the case).” fatedroses
Another User Comments:
“Her response is… Concerning. If she’s uncomfortable with your ethnic identity… Maybe you two shouldn’t be married/reproduce. Unless you’re uncomfortable with it too. Then the song was a really weird choice. So I’m assuming that’s not the case.
She said something weirdly racist at your wedding. I’d call that a red flag. If it’s not the first one… Uh oh. If it is… Maybe time for a hard conversation? Definitely NTJ.” BigBayesian
Another User Comments:
“Yikes OP. I just went to the coolest Blaxican wedding ever (bride was Black American groom Mexican American) and it had the perfect blend of both cultures from the music to the food, to the traditions incorporated. And of course some American because they both are!
It was healthy, it was well planned out, it included them both…it makes me really sad you naturally created that with just you and the special song and then were chastised for it. As an AfroLatina myself I’m honestly baffled that’s how she views your culture and natural expressions of it.
I get she was stressed, but what an awful and racist red flag to pop out when she didn’t control just a couple of minutes of the event! I wonder how many times before she’s resented your ethnicity and felt you were weaponizing it for attention when you were just being you…NTJ.” tahtahme
7. AITJ For Wanting Our Father To Spend Time With Us Without His Partner?
“My sister (44 F) and I (40 F) asked my dad over to my sister’s house for lunch in celebration of Father’s Day. We asked him if it could just be the three of us and he refused stating that his partner is part of his life and if she can’t go, he won’t either.
A little backstory – my father left us and my mom for this woman 30 years ago. She was well aware he had a wife and children. Despite our feelings about this my sister and I have accepted her and include in her in family things.
We have had this discussion with my dad in the past where we let him know that sometimes we want to spend time with just him. The partner goes out without him all the time so we didn’t think this was going to be an issue.
And we don’t make a habit out of this – she is always included. He got very angry and my sister was so upset she told him it feels like we are kids again and he’s leaving us for her and he’s choosing her over his children.
We also asked him to come alone on this particular occasion to talk to him about our mom who is currently battling late-stage cancer. We have been clear with him since our mom got sick that these are not conversations we want to share with his partner.
So are we the jerks for asking him to come over without his partner?”
Another User Comments:
“Your father walked out on his wife and children. What on earth makes you think he wants to be there for you and your mother now?
He took the easy way out 30 years ago and is using the same excuse to get out of his family obligations 30 years later. He’s the one who betrayed and left. This was a choice he made. Just like he’s choosing not to be there for you today.
This is just how betrayers are. You’ll be a lot happier and have a much more peaceful life if you accept that this is who he is. No jerks here except for your father who is a jerk for abandoning his family over and over.” emccm
Another User Comments:
“If you did not let your dad know that you wanted to discuss what’s going on with your mom ahead of time YTJ. If this is a one-time thing it shouldn’t be a big deal to your dad.
If you regularly exclude his partner then he has a point. When my dad was dying of cancer one of his neighbors who is a nurse wanted to know if it was OK if she was the DNR. This was something my dad wanted. My sisters and I talked this over and we came to agreement with just the three of us.
No spouses no partners were involved in the conversation. So I do get it.” harleyevo
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. If it’s a celebration he should be able to ask to have someone important to him included. Wanting to talk to him privately about your mom doesn’t mean his partner has to be entirely excluded. I would have said “we were hoping to just have a daughters-dad day, but if it’s important to you, okay.
We will need to speak privately about Mom at some point though.” Or something to that effect.” Thequiet01
6. AITJ For Inviting My Ex-Wife To My Birthday Party Despite My Fiancée's Objections?
“I’m 30M. I married my ex-wife at 21 because she was pregnant (we had been together for 3 years before that). We had our baby boy and eventually realized this marriage just wasn’t working.
When our son was 2 years old, we got a divorce. I moved out and rented an apartment close to where we used to live.
We love co-parenting. Our son spends a week at each apartment, but we live just two blocks apart and he can visit each of us any time he wants, wherever he is staying.
He is 9 now and we both think we did the right thing by separating and still raising him together.
I am getting married this fall and my fiancée moved in with me a few months ago. My son loves her, she loves him, they get along great.
She just has a problem with me still being close with my ex-wife.
My birthday is next weekend and like every year, I invited a bunch of friends with their kids and also my ex-wife and our son. I do it every year.
When I told my fiancée who is coming, she got really angry, yelled at me, and said I am a jerk for including my ex-wife in everything I ever do. She said this would have to change when we get married. I told her I will always consider my ex-wife my friend and I will always love her as the mother of my son.
Fiancée left really upset and later texted me that I am a jerk for choosing my ex over her.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“She knew what she was walking into and hoped that she could change it. She was sorely mistaken.
This is an amazing attitude you and your ex have towards each other and how wonderful for your son. Don’t think of it as choosing your ex over her. You’re literally choosing your son. That’s what this is.
A healthy friendship so your son has a stable upbringing. NTJ, ignore the fiancée.” Aggravating_Art_4809
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your son is young still and it sounds like you and your ex-wife make him a priority – as it should be.
You guys are doing great. As someone whose parents divorced when I was about 6 or 7, I cannot explain how much it meant to have them both at family events and genuinely getting along (after a few years of post-divorce drama).
My dad’s longtime gf would often join family events on my mom’s side. Everyone got along because they had respect for each other’s roles, and I have precious memories to this day of being all together. It provided so much stability over being pulled back and forth to different houses.
I think it’s beautiful you can share milestones with your son and his mother. And that you want to include her! You two made an entire person together – I’m sorry, but I believe that connection should be respected (obviously excluding abusive situations or ex-spouses that are unfaithful to their new partners, duh).
I know you asked about your fiancée, but I stand by focusing on what is best for your son in the long term. This may just be one event, but what about the next one? Will your fiancée increasingly ask you to disconnect more from your child’s mother?
Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but I would personally be wary of your fiancée’s reaction since it seems to indicate a deeper selfishness/insecurity/immature nature.” throwawayadvice12e
Another User Comments:
“Ehhhhhhhhh. I’ve known the father of my kiddo since I was 13, and he was 14.
I was 20 when I gave birth; 22 when we broke up. We’ve co-parented amazingly well, our kiddo is 16 now. We’re 36 and 37, respectively. I have my own healthy romantic relationship, currently pregnant, and he is married with another kiddo of his own.
We also have boundaries. I have my family and friends, he has his family and friends. And that is okay. Boundaries don’t mean I dislike someone any less. Boundaries are healthy for every other relationship in my life. We get together for our kiddo’s birthdays/celebrations, but that’s about it.
A lot of people don’t seem to think boundaries are healthy and necessary, which is a bit troubling. Boundaries are important for every interpersonal relationship we have, in each of their forms. You can have your kid at your birthday party, of course, but I don’t see why it’s necessary to have your ex.
I think you need to decide if you want to hang on to your past or move into your future. Your fiancée isn’t excluding kiddo whatsoever, she just wants boundaries with an ex-partner, which is perfectly healthy and okay.
This isn’t your child’s birthday. It’s your birthday.” UnicornKitt3n
5. AITJ For Refusing To Tattoo My Stepson's Name Alongside My Biological Children's Names?
“I’m 36M, my wife is 35F.
I have two kids from my first marriage, 9M and 7F. I have been married to my wife for 4 years, we have a 1F daughter.
She has an 8M son from her first marriage. The kids all live with us. My kids’ mother has visitations one weekend a month, her son’s dad isn’t involved at all.
I have the names of my oldest two kids tattooed on my arm.
I just recently added the name of my youngest daughter. My wife and I were talking about the tattoo, and she asked me if I’d tattoo my stepson’s name in the same round as our daughter’s.
I told her I had no intention of tattooing his name.
She was shocked and asked me why. I said I only have the names of my children tattooed. She said I am excluding her son and he is part of this family too.
I refused to tattoo his name and proceeded to only tattoo my daughter’s name.
My wife called me all sorts of things.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here on the tattoo part. You have every right to decide what names to or not to have permanently tattooed on your body. However, your wife can be upset with you over it.
you said that SS’s (stepson) dad isn’t involved in his life. This means to SS, you are likely his dad and will be the only dad he’ll ever know. This might not hurt him now, but it will likely hurt him later.
When you decided to merge families, you should’ve thought about how this affects your parenting. You’re now a dad to four children. Just because one doesn’t share DNA with you doesn’t mean you are any less of a dad to him.” Boomgtd_
Another User Comments:
“I’m genuinely shocked at how many people are saying you’re the jerk – it’s your body, you aren’t obliged to tattoo your stepchild’s name on there simply because you have your biological kids’ names done. It’s not like you have known him and raised him since birth, and not everyone is always super close with their step-kids, doesn’t make them a bad person.
Who knows, you might feel differently in a few years anyway and change your mind. It’s your body, and what you get permanently tattooed on there is entirely your decision and yours alone. Just because you’re not getting his name tattooed, doesn’t mean you exclude him or separate him and your kids in other areas of life – I feel like a lot of people are assuming you’re treating him differently just because you don’t want to get this tattoo, which is a heck of a reach.
NTJ.” Severe-Daikon-7645
Another User Comments:
“I feel that you are NTJ because he is your STEPson, not your biological son. You have zero legal responsibility to him and may never see him again should you and your wife divorce. You will always be in your bio kids’ lives.
Now if you legally adopted him and he became your son legally, then and only then would I add him. Your wife is being a bully and 100% unreasonable for trying to make you feel bad about your decision. For what it’s worth, I have my bio’s handwriting on my arm but neither of my stepkids’, and my husband didn’t make me feel like crap.” Not-the-mama-2020
4. AITJ For Asking My Nursing Friend To Talk About Non-Work Topics At Dinner?
“My friend Amy who is the nurse, my other friend Sarah, and I went out for dinner yesterday.
After we got there Amy started talking about her job working in an ER. And don’t get me wrong, some of her stories are interesting. But all she does is talk about her job and her career goals. She doesn’t ask us much about our jobs.
I don’t even think she knows what jobs we have, she only knows the companies we work for.
So towards the end of dinner, as she kept going on about her work, I asked if we could talk about something else not related to work.
She then asked why, so I told her that we spent most of the dinner talking about her job, and Sarah doesn’t even understand most of what she’s saying (Sarah doesn’t have a science background) and honestly I’m zoning out too.
She then got offended and started going on about how hard it’s hard for nurses right now and she’s just trying to vent. Which I totally understand but I don’t want to hear her vent every single time I meet her and honestly she was like this before too.
Even when we were in school she was like this.
After I said everything she got really quiet for the rest of the dinner. We were supposed to go watch Batman after, but she said she was going to meet up with her partner instead and left. Sarah later said that I was right, but maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You asked politely and it’s a reasonable request to not spend social time talking about work. It’s frequent in my friend circle that we have “no work talk” requests. Frankly, spending your social time rehashing your work stress isn’t enjoyable for anyone involved. No matter how interesting the job may be.
Also – just my 2 cents – before anyone starts “venting” about anything, they should check-in and ask if the person they’re unloading on has the capacity to accept that. Just showing up and launching into your stressors without permission from your audience is a problem.
Don’t treat your friends like a therapist.” xoxnothingxox
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. If she was like this before like you mentioned, it may be her way of directing attention to herself in public settings and commanding the room (or conversation).
All in all, she is trauma dumping and if you and your friend are not comfortable with all the talking, you did well speaking up. Some people are low-key narcissists and don’t know how to share space with others.
Not saying she is but, in my experience, people like this just really love to hear themselves talk and receive attention.” sour_mochi
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It’s good to set boundaries, but it could have been done in a better way.
Privately, for one, instead of in front of a mutual friend which is embarrassing. Second, it should have focused on “I get that you want to vent, but could we have some vent-free times, like when we’re out to have fun?” She’s stressed about her life and responded to the situation in an expected way – you embarrassed and rejected her.
I’d apologize to her both for the timing and for how you expressed yourself and explain that you understand she has a lot going on, and that you get wanting to vent and are on with it – just under certain circumstances.
I’d express that you do find a lot of her stories interesting, but that when you’re out for fun with friends you’d rather be able to engage in a conversation that everyone can participate in.” EwokCafe
3. AITJ For Unplugging The Wifi During My Husband's Gaming Rage?
“My husband plays video games a lot but he always yells, today though it escalated to slamming things and hitting the wall and yelling louder than usual. We have a one-year-old daughter and on one of those occasions she got scared and started crying but he didn’t care at all.
I asked him to change the baby’s diaper and he said no that I had to do it. I got fed up and this is where I feel I was the jerk, he started yelling really loud so I told him to shut up and he told me to shut the heck up and stop talking to him.
I then told him if he didn’t calm down I was gonna unplug the wifi because I was tired of him yelling.
He told me and I quote “this is why no one likes you. If you unplug it that means you’re treating me poorly so now I’m gonna treat you poorly”.
That was my breaking point and I unplugged it and left for Walmart with my mom. He locked himself in the room and texted me that things were over because it seemed like I didn’t care. I called my dad and told him and he told me I was the jerk which got me thinking I shouldn’t have reacted like that.
I know I didn’t react well please don’t be so mean, I am open to ideas on how I could’ve handled it better in the future or if I should’ve just left him alone.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not even a little bit. Your husband was so violent during the video game that he hit things and screamed loud enough to scare your daughter to tears, and instead of realizing his mistake and stop playing the game to attend to his child, he got even more upset and then refused to take care of his child.
You told him you would unplug the wifi and you did. There are so many red flags here. I am glad you left to go someplace else, but you really need to consider if he should be around you and your child.
Especially after he locked himself in his room and had a text tantrum. Honestly, what happens if screaming at games and hitting walls turns into violence towards you and your daughter? Why on earth would your father tell you that you were the jerk here?” Additional-Tea1521
Another User Comments:
“1. It sounds like he is addicted to gaming by his reaction. 2. I’m blown away that your father thinks it’s okay for him to talk to you in such a way prior to unplugging and then afterward. This doesn’t sound healthy.
3. Ask yourself would you want your daughter to end up with a guy like her father? If not. Go back, bite your tongue, and start making a plan to leave. Go back to school, figure out something, so when you leave ….
you don’t have to go back or rely on your father. Because one thing is for sure most men do not change unless there’s a consequence. He’s going to continue to act like that. If he’s willing to let go of his family over a game, that’s not love, start setting yourself up to leave because this situation is going to get worse.
You have 2 kids in the house. There are men out here who would NEVER talk to their woman like that. He basically had a temper tantrum over a toy. He doesn’t realize how good he has it because a woman like me would have thrown it out the window lol but my hubby would never talk to me like that.
Because I think I would literally snap, crackle, and pop lol.” cguerrero4
Another User Comments:
“Baby girl. Your post history makes me sad. “My husband gives me anxiety over cleaning.” “I shouted at my husband over X.” “My mom gave him a hard time over making me cry, and now he doesn’t like me seeing her.” “I like to pretend I’m back in my own room at my parents.” Go back to therapy, please.
You seem deeply unhappy, and your relationship as it stands seems like it’s not bringing out your best. I’m worried about your husband’s escalation to hitting things in his rages and distancing you from your family, and now the “look what you’re making me do” language.
I agree with everyone saying that he’s entering the next upswing in the cycle of abuse, and I’m worried about how far he’ll take it this time. Unplugging the wifi was a jerk move because it was a punishment, and it’s not our job to punish the adults around us.
It was also risky as heck, I’m glad you and your daughter got out of the house safely after that! Back to counseling for you (not for you both!! That would be an awful idea!) to help you assess with a professional if all these strangers are onto something.
Judgment: ESH (but he sucks 8000 times worse!)” Aealias
2. AITJ For Confronting A Customer Service Rep For Making Me Wait Unnecessarily?
“I need to settle a disagreement between my wife and mr. I feel I’m the jerk for how I acted in the situation below, my wife feels I was justified. You tell me.
So I recently purchased some new outdoor equipment online with in-store pickup.
The email I received tells me to go to customer service for pick up.
So I go into A’s sporting and outdoor store. (Fake name) to pick up my items, and as instructed, go straight to the customer service desk.
Walking passed the 3 cashier lines that must be 10 deep each. As I walk up the gentleman currently engaged with customer service is just grabbing his bag, so as he moves away I slide right up to the counter and ask the lady behind the counter for help with my pick-up order.
Below is the conversation:
Me: Good morning, I’m here to pick up my order. *points to phone with order bar code up*
Lady: uhhh sure but I’m actually helping the cashier line right now, didn’t you see the long lines over there?
Me: oh yeah I did, do I need to wait through a cashier line first?
Lady: No they can’t help you, only customer service can.
Me: Great, here is my code.
Lady: I said I was helping the cashier line, sir, you’re going to have to wait.
At this point I was a little stunned at the stupidity, confused, and annoyed. So I step aside to let her do her thing.
After the customer service lady calls 5-6 people from the cashier line and helps them, she then waves me over.
Lady: ok sir, how can I help you?
I hand her the bar code. I’m annoyed at this point.
Lady scans the code, and without moving an inch from her place, leans under the cash register and hands me my items in under 5 seconds from me walking back up.
Lady: here you go, sir.
At this point, I see a manager walking behind the counter of customer service. (They are well marked from hourly employees)
So I raise my voice a bit and say:
“Really? You made me wait in line behind 5-6 customers at the cashier lines rather than help me, even though you’re the only one that can help me?
And it was right there? What the heck lady?”
I say this while staring the manager right in the eyes then walk off. As I walk away I can hear the manager coaching the customer service lady that what she did was not company policy.
So…. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You asked if you had to wait in the long line to be helped, and she said no. Then told you that only she could help you because you were looking for customer service, which is the line you got in.
I’ve worked a retail job, and yes you help the cashiers, but you also do the job assigned to you first. It might have been a little jerkish to call her out in front of her manager, but you also weren’t doing anything wrong.
It doesn’t sound like you were mad about waiting, just more about the principle that you were told you were in the right line and even mentioned you were just there to pick up and she chose to do other people’s job instead of her own right in front of you.” Buffalo-Empty
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Now obviously this person didn’t explain things well. They could have just said “I’ve been told or instructed to help with this line right now, but once I get through a few people I will help you immediately.
Please wait off to the side, not in the line.” I worked in service and retail, so I’ve had to do this a lot. It’s never the worker who has decided they gotta help the cashiers, it’s the supervisor or manager.
That being said, you overreacted by a lot. It was a bad experience, yes, but personally yelling at anyone just trying to do their job, unless they’re yelling at you, is a bad move.” CommyKitty
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Actually, everyone who thinks you’re NTJ is a jerk.
I think it’s almost easy to see who has worked a customer service job and who hasn’t. CS lines do have to help sometimes and if the lines get too long they can get in trouble with management. Darned if you do, darned if you don’t.
You calling her out was a jerk move and you didn’t need to do it. You don’t know what she was instructed to do. All you had to do was wait for 5-6 people. Yet you still needed to be OBNOXIOUS and make her look bad in front of a manager.
Let me tell you, everywhere that’s an in-person customer service place is so understaffed right now, your complaint does nothing, and if anything makes it so much worse for everyone working there. Just to add, customers that walk up to counters before being addressed/called over SUCK.
Workers often have to set aside things or reset programs between customers and the ones that just walk up really really suck, just wait man.” GaryHadALittleLamb
1. AITJ For Declining To Be My Sister's Maid Of Honor Due To Her No-Kids Rule?
“My sister is having a very formal wedding, 6 hours away from where I live, and she has a no-kids rule for it, which is fine and all.
I’m a work-from-home single mom with a 3-year-old child, and I don’t terribly mind not being able to attend, but when she brought me the invitation and told me she would like me to be her maid of honor, I told her I must respectfully decline unless she could make an exception to the rule for my son.
She got really mad at me and started shouting about how she couldn’t make an exception, and how I was selfish for not even considering child care (as I mentioned earlier I work from home so I have never left my child with anyone else besides his grandparents, my parents, his whole life) then she accused me of spoiling and coddling my child, and said it was “bad parenting”.
I really don’t feel like I said anything to deserve this and she hasn’t talked to me for almost a week now.
I asked my parents about it and they eventually understood why I didn’t want to leave my son with some stranger though they had to ask me why first, and they just said it might take her a while to forgive me, and I’m just going to have to wait for her to talk to me again.
I think this is pretty ridiculous honestly. Should I have just bitten the bullet and left my son with some stranger for the first time at 3 years old? I feel like everyone is mad at me because I didn’t.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a pretty straightforward conflict – sister wants a strictly no-kids wedding, OP isn’t OK with leaving her toddler with a babysitter for upwards of 12 hours. OP is entirely free to politely decline. Sister throwing a fit about it is jerk behavior – she’s a grownup and she should understand that sometimes (even at her OWN WEDDING, the horror!) people just can’t set their priorities according to her preferences.
I’m super confused by the comments suggesting that outside-family babysitting is effectively a mandatory experience for a kid. Having studied child development, I feel very confident to say it’s not necessary to leave your toddler with babysitters for them to develop good socialization and communication skills.
Make sure they get opportunities to socialize with other kids by participating in playdates and group activities, sure. That’s really useful. Having a babysitter is really helpful for a single mother, true. But it’s not like she’s depriving her child by… taking care of him herself.” alphorilex
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I honestly don’t get the outrage here. Your sister can have a child-free wedding but don’t expect people with children to have to accommodate this. I don’t get everyone’s obsession with OP not using babysitters. If she prefers not to, then she doesn’t have to.
My parents were loath to ever leave me and my siblings with others and if she did it was with grandparents or when I was 4 childcare but only because of work reasons, my mum later became a SAHM and that’s how she liked things.
I’m pregnant and will be a SAHM and I’d prefer to only leave my child in the care of family. All this rubbish about not developing social skills due to not having a babysitter is ridiculous. You don’t know how OP parents, where she takes the kid, and what their daily schedule is.” Victorian_Navy
Another User Comments:
“You’re not a jerk for wanting to put your child first. However, you are not helping your son with his socialization. Keeping him at home just with you or with his grandparents doesn’t help him in the real world.
He’s going to be going to school in like 2 years and doesn’t know anybody or how to act around other people. Unless you plan on homeschooling him then keep him isolated till he’s 18. It’s well documented that socialization even in young children and toddlers is beneficial to the health and emotional well-being and growth of the child.
I imagine because it’s a pretty formal wedding that the date is likely rather far out there is no reason why you couldn’t start introducing and getting to know a sitter or a family friend who has a teenager that’s looking to make some extra income and have your child get to know them and then come the day of the wedding for 8 hours it’s not going to be a big deal. But on the day you’re going to do what you feel is best for your child/you.” MJSP88
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