People Seek Validation On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
18. AITJ For Not Wanting To Carpool?
“This just happened and it’s the last straw for me and this coworker but I’m wondering if she’s just a choosing beggar or I’m a jerk.
Everyone I know is on my side on this, but I feel bad because I like to be helpful when I can, but I can’t help but feel I am being taken advantage of.
I am one of the few people at my work who owns a car.
I drive my coworker every day and we stop at her kids’ daycare for her to drop them off, though I’m regretting driving her and am thinking of telling her it’s not working out and that she needs to find other means of transportation.
There are many instances, but these five ones are the ones that make me angry instead of just annoyed.
Situation 1. When she asked me if I could carpool at first, I just told her if she could lend me 5-10 dollars for gas money every two weeks – whatever she could afford – then it would be fine.
She starts going on and on about how she’s not sure if she can afford it. It’s been 3 weeks and I haven’t received anything. She doesn’t live too far out of the way, but I feel if she wants to carpool, she should chip in something for gas fare.
Situation 2. The first time I drove her to work, she told me as we’re driving to work that oh, she’s not going into work today, she just needs to drop the kids off at daycare. And oh, do I have money for bus fare so she can make her welfare appointment?
When I told her I wasn’t sure if I had enough, she starts going on and on about how she doesn’t know how she’ll get to her appointment and she can’t afford to cancel. I used the last of my quarters for her bus fare, and she asked for more so she could buy lunch.
When I told her no, she got mad but didn’t say anything else.
Situation 3. I’ve been carpooling for four weeks, but I was absent for 1 week because I was sick. When I get back after being sick, my coworker tells me I need to cover the money to cover her bus fare for the week I was absent.
I was furious and told her that I was willing to carpool but how she got to work when I couldn’t carpool was not my concern.
Situation(s) 4. There have been 2 times she has brought her kids to daycare knowing they have fevers and refusing to say anything.
She’ll just give them Tylenol and not answer the daycare’s calls when the Tylenol wears off. So the daycare usually winds up calling our workplace and that’s when she comes to me and asks me if I can take my lunch break to drive her and her kids home.
Situation 5 aka the final straw. Today, when I come out, she tells me she’s not going to work today because her daughter has a fever and wants to know if I can take her to the hospital. When I told her I didn’t have time, she lost it and starts screaming at me.
I just looked at her plainly, told her I didn’t have to take this, text me if she needs a ride tomorrow, and drove away.
I feel I could have handled the situation better, but I am sick of this woman.
Is she a choosing beggar or am I just being a jerk and need to relax?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ in the slightest. You’re going out of your way to help her, and for free to boot. Forget it, stop being her personal taxi.
You don’t even have to tell her why, just stop doing it. Bonus points if you start bugging her for money for gas and wear and tear on your car while you were running her all over heck’s creation.” raduque
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This woman is entitled and ungrateful. If I were you I would stop carpooling her and let her find her own means of transport. She is treating you like crap and it needs to stop before it gets too far.” Frosted_Turtles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she sounds so ungrateful! I’d just tell her that your goodwill has run out and that her behavior has forced your hand. It’s already pretty unacceptable that she gets you to run around dropping her kids off and thinks she doesn’t have to pay you gas money, but to then scream at you?
I’d tell her that she is no longer welcome in your vehicle.” -S*******t-
17. AITJ For Not Wanting To Help My Brother?
“I (24f) have a twin brother. For our entire lives, my mom has both favored him and expected me to help him with things.
For example, she’d tell me to make his bed for him because ‘he’s a boy he doesn’t know how.’ As a teenager, she’d tell me to cook for him because ‘he’s a boy he doesn’t know how.’ Even when we were little—like second grade—she’d make me help him with things.
Like if we had homework that required coloring or cutting something with scissors she’d tell me to do it for him because he ‘didn’t know how.’ Every family holiday he gets to sit in the living room relaxing while I’ve been enlisted into working in the kitchen all day because ‘he’s a boy.’
Now I’d just like to point out that my brother is a competent and able-bodied man. A lot of the stuff my mom has asked me to do for him, he could in fact do if he bothered to try.
He just kind of thought it was hilarious to keep up the charade when we were teenagers, even though it infuriated me. Other than that, he is a great brother and we generally get along very well.
We no longer live together but the one remnant of a lifetime of being expected to help him is Christmas.
Even though we’re grown adults, for the past several years my mother has expected me to help my brother buy Christmas presents and wrap all his gifts for him. ‘He’s just a boy—he doesn’t know what to buy for people!’ ‘He doesn’t know how to wrap something nicely—just do it for him!’ I have always just done it because I get a lot of grief from my mother about being a bad sister and being selfish if I protest. This year though I finally put my foot down.
I told both my mother and my brother that under no circumstances would I be helping anyone with shopping or wrapping. The only gifts I will shop for are the ones I’m giving to people. Likewise for wrapping.
My brother said fine, my mom guilted and grumbled, but I wouldn’t budge.
Now there are two weeks until Christmas. I am done with all my shopping and most of my wrapping. Today though my brother came over and essentially begged me to help him.
He said he has no idea what to buy for people. I gave him some suggestions—for example, I said he could get a nice scarf for our mom, but he just seemed to get agitated. He said it doesn’t help to know ‘scarf’ because he doesn’t ‘know’ how to pick a nice one.
He grew increasingly upset and basically begged me to help him shop. It’s obvious that he’s overwhelmed and stressed and is feeling the time crunch and feels at a loss.
I’m conflicted because he is a good person and brother, but I told him a month ago that I would absolutely not do his Christmas shopping this year.
I feel like he’s an adult and needs to do these things on his own. I told him sorry but he should have started shopping earlier and that I won’t help.
My mom called me an hour later to tell me how disappointed in me is.
She said my brother ‘really needs my help’ and that she raised me to help my family. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your mom is.
Though, it may have been easier all around if you said to your brother that this year you’d help him IF he does it with you.
He’s been deprived of any ability to grow up by your mom. It would be a ‘show him the ropes’ idea, with the certainty that he does this himself next year.
But if you’d done that now after telling him last year he had to do it himself, then ‘you can come with and help me!’ would be the story-line of next year as well, so that only would have worked if you’d instead told him last year he’d have one assistance year to teach him followed by no more.” GertieGuss
Another User Comments:
“NTJ if this idea appeals, you could help him only this year in exchange for something that would make it worthwhile to you.
You would insist that he must go with you and help pick everything out, no getting out of that.
If you do that, you must make it clear that the only reason you will do it is because he did not start early enough, but there would be no excuse for waiting too long next year, so you will never do it again unless he is laid up in the hospital.” pifflephobia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are not your brother’s keeper. I pity your brother’s future partner. With the way your mother raised him, the future looks dim in that area unless that person stands up to him and your mom like you are doing.
If he keeps bugging you, just tell him to buy everyone gift cards and hang up. He can google how to do that.” savvyliterate
16. AITJ For Wanting To Be More Independent From My Parents?
“I’m currently 17 turning 18 in January next year which is the legal age in my county.
For the past year, I’ve been volunteering at the local youth center, helping out when it’s needed but mostly just chilling with my friends.
This has recently led to me getting a key to the place so I can hang out with a couple of friends or just watch a movie after closing hours.
Me not really liking it at home, and not really having anything to do there has made me spend more and more time at the youth house, usually coming home at around 10:30 pm on weekdays and late at night on weekends.
My parents are fine, they’re caring and nice so I don’t have a direct problem with them. It’s just that when I’m at home all I do is watch movies or play guitar in my room so I’m not being social with my parents anyway.
And all of these things I can do at the youth house but with friends instead. Anyhow, my not being home almost at all during weekdays has made them really passive-aggressive towards me. Like I understand that I’m their kid and the youngest of my siblings have all already moved out so they surely feel kind of bad that I’m ‘leaving the nest’ so soon.
But my being able to have something on my own and with my friends has been a huge upswing in my life. A couple of years ago I didn’t really have any friends outside of school that I could hang out with so I spend almost all of my free time at home playing video games.
During that time my parents would complain that I didn’t do anything else and that I should go out and see friends and not be so fixated at home. Now it’s the complete opposite and they want me at home instead.
I’m also mentally feeling much better today than a couple of years ago. I feel like my life finally has a meaning and I’ve found something that I’m actually invested in and want to spend time doing.
And no the youth house has a zero tolerance on illegal substances so it’s not anything unhealthy we are doing.
Just hanging out. And my grades are not getting damaged either, I can study significantly better there than at home and I don’t go to bed later than usual.
So, AITJ towards my parents?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Dude you’re a teenager, there’s a good chance they just see it as you being implicitly dismissive of them.
Talk to them instead of presuming to know what the deal is, they’ll appreciate you reaching out even if nothing’s going on because you’d be mature enough to make the first move in a situation that’s uncomfortable for you.
Also if you’re unsure of what happens next there’s an answer for that too: talk to them about what’s going on. Could be they actually are sore about you ‘leaving the nest’ and wouldn’t mind working together on your relationship before you go off and make your start in the world.
You won’t know if you don’t ask.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You wanting to hang out in a space you are comfortable with and be with friends is not bad but I do see easy ways to accommodate your parents.
Could you bring your friends over to hang out at your house every once in a while? Could you try to have dinner with your parents sometimes? Or do a family movie night once in a while?” PugRexia
Another User Comments:
“YTJ but it’s normal to be TJ about this at your age. You’re craving independence, which you’re biologically wired to do.
But it would be kinder of you to set up maybe a weekly dinner or something so your parents can see you sometimes.
They’ve raised you, you say that they’re good to you, and the truth is, they won’t always be around and you’ll regret having shunned them in your youth.” AQualityKoalaTeacher
15. AITJ For Thinking My Friend Took Advantage Of Me?
“I’m a college student. I go to school full time. I work part-time as well. I am lucky to have the job I have. I’m not paid an amazing amount, but I’m paid a bit more than minimum wage because I’ve been working there for a while and got a raise.
I have some expenses, but my parents also help me with things like tuition. I think that’s pretty normal for a 19-year-old.
My friend is like two years older than me. She had quit her job recently, but she had just gotten a new job.
I don’t think she had gotten her first paycheck at this time yet. I don’t think her parents help her as much as mine do, but she doesn’t have a car and can’t drive. So I had to pick her up from school so we could go out to eat.
When we sat down to eat, she made comments like ‘I was going to get the beef kabobs but they’re the most expensive thing on the menu’ and ‘are they going to charge you for my refill?’ and ‘can we get falafel?’ so I had only then made the connection that she had expected me to pay for her.
I’m the kind of person that is always willing to help my friends. If they don’t have money for lunch, I’ve always been up for paying for it… but this girl didn’t even ask. She just expected it from me, and that ticked me off.
It also ticked me off that her meal was way more expensive than mine. I had a small salad and an appetizer, but she got kabobs, falafel, and hummus. She also took home some of my potatoes because I didn’t finish them.
It wasn’t a whole lot because the owner and I are friends, and he didn’t charge me for some of our meal because he’s a nice man, but it still really ticked me off because she didn’t even say thank you.
Anyway, we went to the mall after that and she got kind of annoyed because I wouldn’t drive her home and asked her to get someone to pick her up (which I told her I wouldn’t be able to drive her home in advance).
I have only recently started driving, and I was not comfortable driving somewhere further away from home that I have never been when it was dark. She also left her 50-pound backpack and leftovers in my car and I had to carry them to her at some point.
I sent her a kind of aggressive text about how this was all super messed up and I felt taken advantage of. I felt kind of bad when she said ‘I’m sorry I’ve just been without for so long.
I didn’t mean to upset you. I’ll pay you back whenever I get the money.’ I told her she didn’t have to worry about paying me back because it wasn’t a lot but she didn’t talk to me during class earlier.
I felt like I may have embarrassed her in some way, but she also shouldn’t have done what she did.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She needs to learn sooner than later that you don’t go out to eat without having money to pay.” mowiiness
14. AITJ For Snapping At My Brother Over His Parenting Skills?
“Let’s start off with some info. This is my older brother. He can’t be faithful for crap and I think he treats women like crap.
I’ve asked him upfront about his behavior because I just can’t understand why he treats women like how our father has treated our own mothers but all he can say is he’s just a dog. It really disappoints me…
He has 4 (F6yrs) (F4yrs) (M2yrs) (M1yrs) kids between 3 baby mamas in total. Karen is the first, Vicky is the second, and Claire is the third. The only sane and reliable one is Karen who the family adores.
My brother had proposed to her while out of the country for work together years ago but as soon as he got back stateside he changed his mind. However, for the convenience of co-parenting they live together. Their oldest daughter (F6yrs) let’s call Misty.
Vicky appears. She got pregnant with (F4yrs) but saw that Karen and my brother co-parent very well so suddenly became SUPER MEAN to Karen.
THEN COMES CLAIRE, the ABSOLUTE worst. My brother was unfaithful to Vicky with Claire.
She gets pregnant but she has the first son. So she thinks she’s won and is better than both because the little boy is my brother’s ‘pride and joy.’ She refuses to work and made visitation very hard.
Karen takes all the mistreatment so Misty can have a relationship with all her siblings who she absolutely adores. Claire was kind of young when my brother got her pregnant the first time and was still living with her mother.
She got pregnant AGAIN by my brother and her mother kicked her out. She still refuses to work…. My brother not wanting his kids to be homeless took them all in. So now it’s him, Karen and Misty and Claire and the 2 boys.
The crap Karen puts up with is worse and I’d wish she’d just move out/leave and take my niece with her.
FINALLY THE ISSUE.
My mother (my brother’s stepmom) and I were out together and were waiting for my brother so he could drop off Misty so that she could spend some time with grandma.
They both get here and as my brother tells Misty he’s leaving she starts to cry. My brother instantly gets annoyed and says, ‘Why are you crying?’
Misty says she doesn’t want him to leave her and she wants to stay with him.
My heart instantly broke because I know she feels a little unwanted by him and doesn’t get that quality time anymore. My brother still annoyed says, ‘Stop all that crying, you’re going to make me mad. If you keep crying we won’t do any of the fun stuff together when I come and get you.’
I instantly snap and say. ‘Don’t take away things from her because she’s expressing how she feels.’ I wipe her tears and tell her we’ll have a good time together and that it’s never bad to cry or to express how you feel because her feelings matter.
My brother didn’t say anything to me. Just spoke with mom about my theory (I was right) and he left. Haven’t heard from him since. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Usually, I’d say yeah you are TJ because you should never undermine someone’s parenting in front of their kid.
But let’s be honest, your brother isn’t parenting. You and your mother should go talk to Misty’s mom and get her to leave for the sake of her daughter. Tell her how he threatened his child for no reason and the poor baby is suffering.
If she won’t leave then honestly she’s not a good parent either.” wickedwitch9294
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Can’t undermine your brother’s parenting when there’s no parenting in the first place.
‘Stop all that crying, you’re going to make me mad.
If you keep crying we won’t do any of the fun stuff together when I come and get you.’
This isn’t parenting, this is a larger child threatening a smaller child to not annoy him or suffer bad consequences.
You’re giving Misty a bit of hope that someone does listen when she expresses her feelings.” OhSuketora
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Should you have said anything in front of the kid? Nope. Should he have said those things to her?
Nope. If you have an issue, you should say something to him one on one.” phangirloftheopera
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all! Thank you for validating this child’s feelings, which is way way way more important than backing up crappy parenting.
This staying silent stupidity when parents screw up is why we have so many ‘damaged’ children and adults and that crap leaves lifelong scars.” MissNikitaDevan
13. AITJ For Not Allowing My Roommate's Dog On My Bed?
“My roommate and I both have a dog. Both dogs are on the larger side, with my dog being a real ‘big dog’ weighing in at just over 100lbs. We have four dog beds scattered about the house that they can use.
Toys all over. The only rooms they aren’t allowed in are two of the bathrooms. They are allowed on couches and chairs and pretty much whatever they want, with the exception that I don’t allow my roommate’s dog on my bed.
My roommate’s dog is much higher energy than my dog, to the point where my dog will literally hide from her once my dog is tired. She will run up and down the stairs for fun, will literally shove toys in my dog’s face (she’s almost hurt my dog’s eye doing this), and tear things to shreds.
My dog does spend a good chunk of the day playing with her, but my dog definitely needs more ‘down time’ than my roommate’s dog. Whenever I’m training with my dog in the house, her dog will run over and try to jump on me or distract my dog so she can get the training treats I’m using.
Whenever I’m getting my dog ready for a walk, my roommate’s dog is all up in my business and trying to shove herself into my dog’s gear.
Now onto the bed issue.
My dog uses my bed as a sanctuary.
She goes there when she wants a safety zone. She goes there when she’s stressed or scared, even when I’m not around. Whenever my roommate’s dog gets on my bed she refuses to leave my dog alone, trying to wrestle and get in my dog’s face even when my dog is giving clear warning signs of ‘leave me the heck alone.’ She also does this while climbing all over me, and has scratched and bruised me many times in the process.
If she gets my dog worked up enough, then my dog will try to stand on me to ‘protect me.’ Since my dog is so big, that hurts. A lot. Because of all that, I don’t let my roommate’s dog on my bed when I’m home.
I don’t need her dog annoying my dog when my dog is in her safety zone, and I definitely don’t need to be getting bumps and bruises while trying to relax in bed.
My bed is also really high.
It is about 3.5 feet off the ground. My roommate mentioned to me that her dog was having issues getting onto my bed since it was so high (her knowing what is happening in my room while I’m gone is another issue for another day) and I told her about how I don’t want her dog on my bed anyway.
She got upset and started saying ‘Well why is (my dog’s name) allowed up there then? That’s not fair. (My dog’s name) is the one who sheds the most so it’s not like (roommate’s dog’s name) will make your bed messy.’ When I explained the safety zone thing and the wrestling on top of me she said ‘You can’t pick favorites.’ In my mind I absolutely can because one is my dog, who I work with and train and put my heart into and one isn’t my dog.
So, AITJ for not allowing my roommate’s dog on my bed but allowing my dog on my bed?”
Another User Comments:
“You: NTJ. It isn’t about playing favorites. Your bed is your dog’s sanctuary, as well as your sanctuary, and both of you have the right to seclude yourself in that place.
Roommate’s dog: NTJ. Dogs are pack animals, it is natural for them to want to be social and be where other members of their pack are. It doesn’t know one of them is your dog and one of them is not.
To a dog, you’re all in the same pack.
Roommate: there’s TJ right there. Correct me if I’m wrong, but your post sounds like they had no concern for you or your dog’s well-being. They have no place to insist you allow their dog in bed with you.” UsernameIsTakenO_o
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Dogs, and people, need boundaries. Your roommate needs to understand that it’s not her bed or her dog’s bed. She does not get to decide what goes on in your bed. If you want to put on black sheets, spray paint a pentagram on it and worship the dark lord, that is your business – not hers.
You have very sound logic for why you do not want the other dog on your bed. You do not need it is my point. Good luck making this a reality though.” seppukucoconuts
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have a dog, your roommate has a dog.
She seems to think you share the dogs. You don’t need to have any reason to not want that dog on your bed, since it is not yours. (even though there are so many reasons) And yes your roommate has to exercise her dog more since it’s causing you a lot of trouble.
The dog needs it and she needs to take care of it, it’s her job as an owner.
Demand this of her! Her dog is making your dog miserable please dude.” unimpressionablenes
12. AITJ For Not Buying Certain People Christmas Presents?
“I love my friends to the moon and back, and think they’re wonderful people, however as the holiday season gets closer, I keep feeling more anxiety about gifts. We haven’t discussed anything official, but I feel like there is an expectation.
For context, we’ve all been friends for about 2 years now but have gotten exceptionally close within the last year so this is our first Christmas as the inseparable group we’ve become, though we gave gifts last year + for everyone’s birthday since.
I’m the youngest in the group, and finishing my final year in high school, while the rest of my friends are in college already.
Subsequently, I’m the only friend without a job. I don’t have any form of income either, as I don’t receive an allowance or anything of the sort.
To clarify, as of right now I have no viable way of having an independent income.
I’m incredibly uncomfortable with people spending money on me to begin with, and often ask my friends not to get me anything when there is an occasion, but my friends always take that as me being modest and not as a serious request for them not to get me anything.
As a result, last holiday and most recently my birthday they got me very kind gifts and I felt inadequate as I couldn’t/hadn’t really done the same for them.
I’ve always made them handmade gifts to try and compensate, ranging from printing photographs, writing personalized letters, drawing art pieces, all of these combined, etc. but I know for most people that isn’t the same, and they’ve occasionally made comments in jest about how ‘they aren’t real presents’, which I understand.
Furthermore, my family is a bit extravagant when it comes to giving gifts, (they like the display— my dad for example will wrap every individual item, and put a pair of socks in a tall bag) and I’m incredibly appreciative, but my friends saw this when they were at my birthday (without realizing most of the display was small or fake) and I’m worried they think I’m holding out on them since it’s obvious money isn’t a family problem.
I already feel uncomfortable with money spent in the family, so asking my parents for money to spend on others feels incredibly nerve-wracking, but I don’t want my friends to think I don’t appreciate them at all.
So essentially, AITJ for not getting my friends Christmas gifts even though they get them for me?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I think this is something perfectly understandable. I personally don’t believe in getting yourself in debt or overly stressing about gifts, that’s not what it’s about and if those people expect that believe me they aren’t people you want in your life.
I’m sure your friends don’t feel this way but from someone who’s always worried other people think I don’t care or didn’t spend enough I completely understand where you are coming from as it’s quite irrational and if anyone ever did say that to me I would tell them they don’t deserve anything at all if all they are worried about is what or how much they got.
I’m grateful when people even get me a card and it’s important for people to understand we all gift in different ways, some people put a lot of thought into things and some people go buy something random from the store.
In some cases, it may be because they’re a crap person but often they had the same intent as the more ‘thoughtful’ person but they felt they showed that. So I understand your stress but I want to reassure you it’s not worth it.
If you’re wanting to do something and you have a little money or could do a small job for family and earn a little cash then see if you could make them all a fun dinner or decorate desserts.
Another idea is to see if instead of giving to each other you guys go volunteer and give your time to those in need. It wouldn’t cost money, you guys are doing and enjoying it together and it will make you all feel good!
Hope this helps!” mrhrm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You’re in high school and don’t have income. You shouldn’t be expected to go out and buy gifts for friends.
I would recommend ahead of time asking them in an honest way to not buy you anything because you won’t be able to return the favor.
The best way to go about this is being fully transparent about it on your end.” Babo0o0o
11. AITJ For Not Appreciating A Gift?
“My partner (26M) and I (28F) decided to exchange Christmas presents a little early this year. For context, even though we’ve been together for 4 years we haven’t traditionally done Christmas exchanges, and while we’ve done birthday presents for each other it’s been fairly casual. I also make a fair amount more than him so I never expected this to be an equitable exchange as far as a dollar value, and that doesn’t bother me at all.
I picked out something he had been talking about wanting for a while that wasn’t terribly expensive but was still out of his range for buying right now for himself. He seemed thrilled, awesome.
Then he gave me my gift. It was a scarf he bought before we even met, while he was traveling abroad.
It has significance to him because he’ll likely not get to return to said country. He had bought several while there as gifts, and still had one left. He went on for a bit about how he got it for a steal due to the difference in currency exchange at the time and how much they would be worth now.
But for me, that number hardly matters since it was purchased at least 5 years ago.
I was kind of quiet for about a half-hour trying to figure out the best way to deal with this all because the thing is, I don’t wear scarves (I do have plenty, it’s just not my aesthetic) and regardless of the circumstances he got it, it really didn’t feel like thought was put into it as a present for ME which made me extremely sad.
The only reason we did gifts was because when I asked him if he wanted to this year he said yes and that he had mine picked out for months now which…. is definitely another clue that I mishandled it.
I decided that instead of just smiling and moving on I’d address my feelings in the hopes that this nips any future gift issues in the bud. He’s openly acknowledged to me that he’s not great at giving gifts which weighed heavy on the decision to talk about it.
So I asked him if he’d ever seen me wear a scarf in the years we’ve gone out (fairly cold climate) and he admitted that it was extremely rare. Roughly once a year. I tried to explain why I was disappointed but he just got mad at me for not appreciating it.
I thought I was opening a dialog that would improve our relationship, and I expected some level of sadness because I didn’t like it but I never expected full-blown anger. I will admit the fight was not very nice on either of our sides, at one point I called it a generic gift and he said to just give it back and he’d get me something else which I told him he didn’t need to do.
It’s more the surrounding lack of insight into what I’d like for a gift vs the actual gift when we’ve been seeing each other as long as we have. This gift exchange is now filled with the bitterness of fighting about something stupid that I really don’t want a ‘make-up’ gift. I just want to move on.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It sounds like there was a lot of sentimental value to the present he gave you, you’re an incredibly ungrateful partner. He deserves way better. If I put that much thought into a gift and my partner acted the way you did I’d feel so utterly dejected and unappreciated, I’d probably dump him on the spot.
He had this picked out for MONTHS before. This wasn’t just something he threw at you because he didn’t have any other ideas. In his mind, this was the perfect gift because of how much sentimental value it held for him.
If he’s bad at giving gifts then he’s bad at giving gifts. You’re not going to change him. If you can’t be grateful for what you’ve got then he’s better off without you.” fueg00
Another User Comments:
“You are definitely TJ. Who knows what he was thinking? Maybe he gave you something that was probably sentimentally very important to him. Maybe he had one remaining and thought of it for you. In any case, you ripped him a new one because you did not like his gift?
You ‘expected some level of sadness’ and you thought it would improve your relationship???
Rejecting a gift has to be handled extremely carefully and diplomatically if it is going to be done at all. And you just punched him in the stomach with your whining.
I think you owe your partner an apology.” LoveToBold
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m not sure about him. It may not make him a jerk, but giving a partner of 4 years a scarf purchased as a generic gift before he even knew you does not indicate thoughtful gift-giving on any level.
It was not purchased with you in mind, and in fact, he had no reason to think you would use or enjoy it. It was phoned in and thoughtless.
I think that you are upset because he said he wanted to exchange gifts when he was given the opportunity not to, and then he made no effort to actually think about your preferences, habits, or tastes.
He gave you an object that required absolutely no thought or effort and then became angry when you tried to help him see how that made you feel.” nannylive
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He could have put money together and done something.
I don’t care how much less he makes. And he gave you something he bought before he met you? At the very least he could have picked out something for you, something you’re into, rather than give you something that might have meant something to him.
Bought these as gifts for others too? How is that not insulting? Especially after 4 years but I guess if you two haven’t exchanged Christmas gifts in the past maybe there’s something I’m missing. The fact that he got so angry too sort of implies to me that he knew it was a poor gift choice and he was just hoping you wouldn’t call him out on it.
I don’t know. I’ll digress. Maybe I’m just totally wrong. For some reason, this post just got to me.” Reddit user
10. AITJ For Allowing My Daughter To Cut Her Hair?
“So I’m no longer with my daughter’s (8F) mum. Not been together since she just turned 3. Since then we both have our own lives, both remarried and both have another child.
Saying that there is no difference between my daughter and my son. My daughter lives with us half the time and we have her half the holidays, we don’t go on family holidays without her. Basically, we don’t do anything without her.
We love her being part of our family and she sees my wife’s extended family as no different from mine.
Anyway, we work hard and try to enjoy the finer things in life, so we provide a lot of things for our daughter and one of them is going to a fancy hair salon and giving her the works.
Hair wash, head massage, blow-dry, and cut. We don’t do this often but maybe once every 2 months.
So this past weekend we took her to get her hair cut and she asked to get a couple of inches off.
She was so excited after we said yes. She went to the salon and checked herself in and was so excited about it, went through the whole thing, and was living her best life basically.
Afterward, she was high as a kite about her new hair (bearing in mind there were only a couple inches off, now just sitting on her shoulders).
She went to school on Monday and was showing it off, wouldn’t stop talking about it and saying all her friends loved it.
She went back to her mum’s yesterday morning and I get a barrage of texts from her mum furious that we’ve cut her hair ‘so short’.
My response is that at 8 she’s old enough to make these kinds of choices as long as they aren’t wild and how happy she was to have her hair! Not like we dragged her kicking and screaming to get a haircut she didn’t want.
She’s telling me that we should’ve ‘consulted’ her on it.
This is the mum that got her ears pierced when I’d already said no to it when our daughter was 6 and didn’t even know how to care for her ears.
Then blamed it on our daughter saying she had a tantrum in the shop and wouldn’t stop until she got them pierced (if you knew our daughter you’d know she is a goody-two-shoes and has never had a tantrum passed the terrible twos.)
We didn’t get this haircut to spite her mum, we got it because she wanted it cut and she is crazy in love with this haircut! In fact, I thought it so little of a decision I didn’t think to speak to her mum about it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s touchy when a child is this young because they still need parental judgment. I’m sure many little girls have asked for something they see in a film, only to look in the mirror at the end of the cut in absolute tears (and then the primary parent has to deal with it).
And it’s not like an outfit – if Daughter is unhappy, parents and child have to deal with their misery.
You’re not a jerk and frankly, there are many times when my mom would yell at my father for not ‘consulting’ her – what she meant is, letting her make a unilateral decision, including over my body.
Thanks for giving your daughter the final say (this will be very important once puberty starts, too – sometimes one parent is wrong full stop)… your ex has a right to be upset at this age but you are not a jerk.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but mom isn’t upset about the hair. She’s upset that you made a decision affecting the child and didn’t include her in the process. If she doesn’t express her feelings about something as nominal as a haircut then it leaves the door open for you to make bigger decisions without her.
Your situation completely mirrors mine (50/50 custody, etc.) and there were times when I wished that they had just touched base with me so we could all be on the same page supporting the child we all love. You have 10 more years of sharing responsibility for this human, just be a bit more considerate.” ginger-in-the-sun
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I was about 7 or 8 when I told my mom I wanted my hair cut above my shoulders, collarbone length before, and my dad hated it. 8 is an appropriate age to ask for certain hairstyles, as long as it’s not outrageous, and have a conversation about how much hair will actually be cut off.
Her mom putting so much emphasis on her hair isn’t going to do anything for your daughter’s confidence and might actually hurt her. I have a friend that’s 23, whose mom put so much emphasis on long hair = beauty that she will now ugly cry if they cut more than an inch off during a trim because it’s her identity.
If my mom wouldn’t have listened to me I know I would have played hairdresser and cut it myself so I’m glad your daughter trusts you enough to ask.” pick_happiness
Another User Comments:
“ESH I mean, I know you meant well but you should have checked with the mum first, in my opinion.
If this was reversed the mum should have checked with you first as well. So that sucked a little that you didn’t…but it’s not like the worst thing in the world, I mean it’s just a haircut.
The mum also sucks because she’s making a big deal out of something that really doesn’t matter that much, that is completely temporary, and is picking a fight with her daughter’s father about it…taking into consideration the best interest of the child, parents (especially if divorced) should pick their fights very wisely and avoid fighting for small things because they end up only hurting the children.” Videl419
And if she gives you the BS excuse about the kid throwing a tantrum over the piercing then just say “we’ll she was super excited about the haircut and we didn’t want her throwing a tantrum like she did with you over the ear piercing”.
You sound a good involved father. Unfortunately in our society that’s not the case after divorce and the mother ends up with the bulk of responsibility. Which is why society, the legal system and everything else tends to favor the mother, which is why mothers tend to think they are the “lead” parent.
9. AITJ For Finishing A Book My Wife Wanted To Read Together?
“I’m a binger. Whether it’s TV, Movie series, Games, or, in this case, Books; if it’s something that I find interesting and enjoyable then chances are I’m going to keep enjoying and being interested in it until I finish it.
My wife is not a binger. She will drop things for a while and then pick them up later and enjoy it just the same as if she never stopped reading them.
Well, I got her into Worm, which if you haven’t heard of it is a web serial about supervillains and superheroes… It also quickly became my FAVORITE BOOK/SERIES EVER! I could gush about it for hours.
It’s also super long, clocking in at just below 1.7 million words… That’s all of Harry Potter, and then again until halfway through Order of the Pheonix.
So I naturally outpaced her for the first while, but I always made sure to stop at points to allow her to catch up!
But then, she just stopped. She wanted to take a break from it, which is fine! I didn’t mind putting it on hold for a while.
And she never picked it back up. So after a few weeks, I started asking her if she’d be willing to pick it back up.
And she said, ‘Oh, yeah, sure! I was going to anyway!’ But she didn’t, and months passed. I would even later ask if she’d read an Arc as a gift to me for my birthday and she said she would (she didn’t).
So… I restarted the book, making sure to take it in small chunks to slow my pace and give her some more time. After a bit, I had caught up to where I was before, and she still wasn’t budging… and then I finished it.
And then I reread it in its entirety because it was just that good!!!
But then, afterward, I mentioned something in reference to some things that happen later on, (not a spoiler or anything, just something that made it apparent I knew about future events) and my wife got quite upset at me.
We were reading it together after all, and she was upset that I:
-
didn’t wait for her so we could go through it together and,
-
didn’t tell her I was continuing without her until after I had already started.
And she says that her ability to enjoy it has now been compromised because it’s no longer our book, and me knowing what will happen will stress her out because I don’t give spoilers… Oh, and also, she doesn’t know I’m actually done, she just knows that I continued reading it so that will be an issue when it comes up.
Personally, I feel like there should be a limit on putting pauses on things like books or shows. I put it down for months and months with no sign of it getting started back up, I can’t be expected to wait forever to continue something I love, can I?
So, AITJ for reading the book behind my wife’s back? And as a bonus, would I be justified in telling her that I finished it because I was sick of waiting for her to start it back up?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ (or extremely mild everybody sucks, but really I don’t think any of this rises to the level of suckage).
You asked for her to continue for your birthday. She should have known this meant a lot to you.
You should have said, ‘I’m tired of waiting, I’m ready to continue without you’ before continuing (or at least before doing more than a chapter or so). But neither thing was awful. I’ll stick with NTJ.” clauclauclaudia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You clearly waited long enough, she’s the one that didn’t push herself to read it, but I guess she must have had her reasons. It’s ok because you look for different things, and your bingeing and her delaying prove that you need a better strategy if you want to read something together.
Maybe next time you can choose something that you can live without reading if she stops, that way even if it takes a year – although now she must know how important for you timing is – you’ll get it done together.” mymindisnotforfree
Another User Comments:
“Ugh, Worm is amazing. I read it in 2015, I think? Long enough ago I don’t remember it well, so I’m due a reread. I have tried to get someone to read it so I could discuss it with them but everyone is too intimidated by the length, or doesn’t realize how amazing it is so they don’t really listen to my recommendation.
I just keep hoping the real published copy will come out soon so I can buy it for people. I am so unimpressed with all the Marvel/DC movies because the Worm capes are way more impressive/unique/mind-blowing and I want to see THEM, not the same old Batman/Spiderman/Superman/whoever over and over again.
Same general thing people have been saying: very mild ESH — your wife shouldn’t have gotten upset that you wanted to keep reading, but you should have given her a head’s up that you were going to continue.” Toezap
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I do this all the time with TV shows with my husband. After the 2nd week of me going ‘meh, not tonight’ and putting Frasier on for the redacted time, he bluntly asks, ‘Are you ever going to want to watch this in the next few weeks?’ I say ‘No probably not.’ He then watches it without me.
If I ever go back and pick up the show, he will happily watch with me. It sounds like you waited a really long time for your wife to find that spark for Worm again. In my opinion, I don’t think it is reasonable to ask you to leave it unfinished as long as you don’t provide spoilers.” schneid3306
8. AITJ For Being Upset That My Dad Took My Dog's Name Tag?
“My dog passed away recently. This whole situation has been incredibly hard on my family and me, and I am in no way trying to downplay their pain over this loss. My family consists of my dad, b***d sister, step-mom, and two step-siblings.
When we got Cal, I was 13 years old. My parents had just gotten a divorce (near Christmas) so my dad got my sister and me Cal as a present.
Things changed a lot in the years that Cal was our dog.
My step-mom moved to our town with her kids for about a year, then decided to move 45 minutes away with my dad accompanying her. I lived with my dad full time, so I started staying home alone a good portion of the time at a very young age.
Once I turned about 17, my dad was only home once a week and only came home with my sister who was staying at my mom’s.
It was just Cal and me for 4 solid years. I took care of her, I took her everywhere I possibly could and I managed to be a good dog mom at a young age.
Nobody ever gave me the recognition I felt like I deserved for basically raising a dog on my own, she was always considered the family dog. Never just mine even though I was the one that fed her, played with her, and kept her living a normal dog life.
If I wasn’t there, my dad probably would’ve given her up a long time ago because there was nobody to take care of her.
Then, Cal died. She had been sick for a while and I knew it, but my dad always brushed it off.
I was too broke to take her to the vet myself (part-time job, in high school) so I had no choice. After her death, I was an absolute mess and completely depressed. We had a memorial for her, where we made a cross and put it in our backyard.
My dad wanted to put her collar over the cross, but her name tag wasn’t on it. I decided to take it the day after she died and put it on my key chain. My dad forced me to give it to him to put back on the collar and on the cross.
He told me not to move it or take it back. He also got to keep her ashes and took them to their new house, an hour away.
I feel that it’s super unfair that I have nothing other than pictures and videos to remember her by (and some of her hair on blankets that somehow never come off no matter how many times I wash it), but my sister keeps telling me Cal was the family dog and since my dad got her, he should be able to dictate that stuff.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, wow your dad sure seems to dismiss you, not just with the tag. You basically raised Cal and yourself during your teen years. I’m so sorry for your loss. You are a strong woman, even at 17 you’ve more than earned that title.
If he’s very stubborn about the ashes and the tag unfortunately I’m not sure you’ll get them back, but you have every right to make your case for keeping them yourself.” rlb199779
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’m so sorry for the pain you are in OP.
It’s awful that your dog died and horrible that your dad is being a jerk about it.
That said… this isn’t a battle you want to fight. Despite the fact that you did most of the work, Cal was still a family dog.
Beyond that, you can’t force your dad to stop being a jerk.
More importantly, you are discounting what you DO have. You have memories, you have photos and videos. Do you know how amazing it is that you have videos?
Even one generation ago people would be lucky to have a couple of photos of lost loved ones. Videos were practically out of the question.
Hold on to those memories. They tie Cal’s spirit to you. As long as you remember her, she isn’t really gone.
Take some of that hair that you can’t get rid of and put it in a locket or have it woven into a bracelet. But most importantly, keep her in your heart. That’s what really matters.” Hunterofshadows
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your dad is a super weird jerk. Is it possible to make a decoy tag and swap it? Obviously, since he’s checking your dang keychain you’d want to keep it somewhere else.
Don’t confide in your sister, her response was cold.
This memorial he put up has such a gross ‘CONTROL’ angle, I’m sorry you have to live with crap like that.” Complete_Entry
7. WIBTJ If I Didn't Tell My Parents The Whole Story?
“I’ll start by giving some background info on one of our close family friends, who was working across the county.
He was doing what’s known as ‘fly-in, fly-out’, where he would go to work for 6 weeks straight, then get flown home to his family for another 6. That was going fine until last year.
My friend was on his way to the airport to go home to his mom when he got struck and killed by an intoxicated driver.
That destroyed his family and had a huge impact on our tight-knit community. People are grieving to this day.
I’ve moved cross country for work. I haven’t seen my family in two years and I miss them constantly.
Saturday morning I was going to work and got T-Boned by an intoxicated driver who didn’t stop at the stop sign.
I went 30 feet off the road and my car is a crumpled, totaled mess. I was taken by ambulance and thankfully just have bad whiplash.
When it was time to call and let my parents know, all I could think of is how my entire family is still grieving our beloved friend, who was killed in almost the exact same way and how close I could have been to the same situation.
I couldn’t tell them.
Basically, the best story I could come up with was ‘a guy ‘slowly’ pulled out in front of me and the road was too slippery to stop so I glided lightly into him.’ WAY tamer than the real story but I just don’t want them to worry.
WIBTJ if I don’t tell them what really happened? I don’t know how I could cover it up, but I know 100% this will make them worry like they’ve never worried before. I don’t want them to have to deal with that when in reality I’m fine.
I have some intense whiplash but I’m not dead and in my mind that constitutes as ‘fine’. They don’t have the money to travel here to see me, which they will fret over, and even if they did, there is literally nothing they can do for me that my heating pad, muscle relaxers, doctors and insurance isn’t already doing.
However, I do feel like a horrible daughter for lying to them because we’re a super close family, and even though I’m 28 years old, I still tell them everything so this feels a little like betrayal. I just want them to stay in blissful ignorance rather than worrying about the ‘what-ifs’ that never even happened.
I really just wanted to get the situation clear, because I don’t know if I’m being a drama queen or a jerk about this.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ to yourself. That’s a huge physical trauma that may end up ruminating later in your life.
It’s an important part of your medical history that your parents need to know in case you’re ever incompetent. I guess it wouldn’t matter if you lied about the circumstances, but they need to know the extent of the damage.” Xiumin123
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
They are adults and they are your parents. Lies put up barriers between people and I really don’t think you need to do that here. You are lying to look out for them, but in doing so you’re making it so you guys can’t all look out for each other.
Your actions are pushing them away and I don’t think they have done anything to deserve that.” LucidOutwork
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You’re definitely not a jerk for trying to spare your family grief. And trust me, there will be grief.
A similar incident happened to me a few years back, and my mother still blames herself for it. As long as all you have is whiplash, go for it. If your injuries get worse (also happened to me once the adrenaline finally wore off), be honest with them about the injuries.
The circumstances of the accident are one thing, but the injuries are another.
Hope you have a speedy recovery.” nothing2d0here
6. AITJ For Not Getting The Kids Presents For Christmas?
“Ok so I’m the oldest of 5 (23M), my full sister is 20, half-sister 10, half brother is 8, adopted sister is 13.
I also have a niece 12. Growing up was rough. My full sister and I went through a lot of struggles and still currently have to deal with the aftermath of 2 irresponsible parents. (Illegal substances and abandonment but that’s another story.) I was able to make something out of myself despite the issues growing up.
I got a contract job in medicine and get paid pretty well for my age.
So here is my issue. A lot of my family has struggles that are created because of codependency that drags everyone else down. I help out my grandma a lot cause she pretty much raised me.
She’s a wonderful woman, but they struggle with money and a vehicle because my grandpa and aunt both waste funds and resources with their illegal substance addiction. (Another long story).
I help my dad a lot cause he struggles with money and health problems. He has all my half-siblings, but a majority of his money gets taken out for 15 years of unpaid child support that should have gone to me and my full sister growing up.
I also help out my full sister with food and rides from time to time cause she has 2 children of her own from teen pregnancy. I help my mom out as a recovering addict with all her legal issues, medications, and all-around support.
So I gave all this background to show my role in the family.
When I first got my license and started making money I made it an effort to help everyone out since I can, and also buy everyone gifts.
I’ve been doing this for the past 3 years BUT every year things get a little more difficult for the family, and recently they have been saying ‘sorry they can’t afford a birthday/Christmas present for me this year cause of money.’ They often times want to put the kids in the center of Christmas.
‘We don’t have enough for everyone but at least something for the kids.’ The last 3 Christmases I bought EVERYONE something. The kids were into slime so I made them a 10lb batch of slime with an extra individual jar decorated and everything.
The kids let the entire batch dry out within the week and threw it away. So this year I feel like I don’t want to get anyone anything.
If the kids don’t take care of the stuff I get them and everyone else doesn’t have the finances to get me something shouldn’t I also be able to not get anyone anything and save money for all of my own bills?
Be aware though I do want to get gifts for the people who always get me something or have been around and helped me a lot, that being my grandma, a handful of friends, and some of my partner’s family.
So AITJ for not wanting to get my family and the kids in it presents, but wanting to get stuff for other people?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I don’t think you should blame the kids because of the issues the adults have.
They let the slime dry out, but they are kids and not being raised by responsible parents. But my guess is that they probably love spending time with you. Why not take the kids (alone) out for some Christmas celebration?
Maybe just for a movie or ice cream. Let them know that you care. Your time will probably be the best Christmas present you can give.” LoveToBold
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You’re not obligated to buy anyone presents.
However, I do want to ask you, how would you feel if your grandmother did not give you a gift? Expect the same from your siblings if you choose not to give them gifts, and decide how you feel about that.
The thing about the slime? They’re kids. You know how many containers of play dough I’ve bought just in the past month? They don’t take care of their stuff. That’s just kids being kids.” Arjuana
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, because gifts are not mandatory for anyone.
Nobody should ever demand a gift from you. However, if it were me I’d buy the kids gifts and pass on buying gifts for the adults. Also getting upset about the slime drying out is a little over the top.
That’s not the kind of item that people expect kids to treat with care.
I have a bunch of play-doh sets at my house for when my little grandkids visit. Things like an ice cream cone play-doh set, a play-doh bakery set, etc. I always make sure they pack away all the plastic parts of the sets when they are done playing but I still have to buy new playdoh almost every time they come over.
They drop it on the floor, they leave it out for hours until it’s dry, and they smash all the colors together. I never get upset at them for that. I just toss it and buy new doh the next time.” Bdawn33
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – softly. The kids can’t buy you anything. And they probably don’t have much either.
My suggestion is to buy experience gifts, doesn’t have to be expensive. Movie tickets, zoo tickets, indoor trampoline place (my son LOVES going!).
And that’s it. Just buy a group thing, make a day out of it, and then the kids can forget all the drama at home for once.” LadySekhmet
5. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be Friends With Some People In My Friend Group?
“To give context. I became friends with a coworker who over time got me into this dnd (Dungeons & Dragons) friend group.
I love most of the people in the group. Well, aside from the obvious two people I don’t want to be friends with.
To protect their identities I’ll say one’s name is Josh and the other is Frank.
I’ve actually known Josh the longest as he was also a coworker.
He ended up in the friend group as well. Never really considered him a friend but since we had a mutual group of friends I adjusted. The main reason I don’t want to be friends with Josh is because he tends to have a temper.
Snapping at (mostly me) and he always acts like everyone else is in the wrong.
Granted he does have Asperger’s but it’s nothing serious. Even so, he leans on it a bit hard from time to time when he ‘acts out’.
He’s not a bad person. In fact, when he’s not acting out he’s a genuinely kind person. But the history of him snapping at me and overall just unpleasant occurrences between the two of us makes me not want to be friends with him.
As for the other person. Frank. I really don’t like this guy at all. There’s nothing mentally wrong with him (at least to my knowledge) but his social ineptitude is downright unbearable. He thinks very logically. And hardly has a sense of humor because of that.
Like I understand people don’t all get the same jokes. But with him, it’s incredibly rough. Not to mention he has not much of a filter and he says some really hurtful stuff.
Like for example. Earlier this year.
As a group, we all went to Disney. It was a fun time. But the way Frank acted was the last straw for me. On the first day, we went to Epcot. We had a blast. Bought some souvenirs etc., etc. That evening we sat down for dinner and for most of the day Frank was quiet.
But during dinner he spoke up and chewed us all out for ‘spending too much money’ and he also said something about how none of us can hold a meaningful conversation (I’m not even sure where that last part came from honestly.)
And throughout the rest of the trip, he was just a total fun killer. He trashed on every single ride we went on and was way judgmental whenever we bought anything.
And ever since the trip. He’s just been his usual self.
Which is socially inept and unbearable to be around.
So with all that said. Am I the jerk for not wanting to be friends with Josh and Frank?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You have no obligation to be friends with anyone.
Nor are you ever a jerk for not wanting to be friends with someone.
Now that said, this is a group of coworkers/friends and you don’t want to create a situation where people have to chose sides.
Unless you are extremely confident everyone in the group is going to take your side, you don’t want to actively try to push them out of the group.
Be polite, be kind and call it a day. Don’t seek them out or put any effort into it.
In short, be work friends and that’s it.” Hunterofshadows
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No one can make you be friends with people you don’t wanna be friends with. You’re responsible for your own happiness. That being said, I believe the adult thing to do would not be shut them out completely.
I think it’d be a better idea to talk to them about the problems you may have with each other and work through them as adults. If no compromises can be made and they still continue to act the way they have been, I’d say chalk it up as a loss and move on.
I’m not sure what implications that would have on your current friend group but that’s just my take on things as an outsider.” BlueKnight12_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You choose your friends. Ultimately you get to decide who you want to hang out with.
No one should be telling you who you should be hanging out with.” mercmouth1
4. AITJ For Expecting To Receive A Gift?
“My husband and I purchased our first home together a month ago and had our house warming party this past Saturday. We invited his family which consists of his mom, two sisters, and Aunt.
We also invited his 2 best friend’s friends and their partners. Unfortunately, we just moved back to his home state and I haven’t had a chance to really make any of my own friends here. Maybe it’s because I’m a little introverted, I’m not sure.
I am friendly, but I tend to just stick with my husband and his friends.
This past year I’ve saved like crazy to be able to finally afford this house. I’ve been saving for the last 8 years, but after the move, I really buckled down and sold anything worth of value and just worked beyond overtime so we can put 20% down and avoid mortgage fees.
During this past year, we have been to his brother’s wife’s baby shower, one sister’s housewarming, his sister’s bridal and wedding, as well as a handful of birthdays and holidays. I purchased $200+ gifts for the baby showers and bridal/wedding.
Definitely purchased $100+ for Xmas, birthdays, etc for his siblings and family.
I sound and feel terrible for saying this but I’ve never received one single item from his siblings or parents. Not even a card. It’s not about the money, it’s really just the thought.
Especially because they are ‘gift’ people and always accept my gifts with excitement.
I expected someone to give us a housewarming gift this weekend. Even just maybe a cake stand or a card or even some oven mitts. $10 Target gift card so I can get a silverware set.
Not a single thing from anyone. My husband’s friends gave him a couple of bottles of booze for his man cave. His sister asked me why we don’t have a coffee maker and when I told her we’re short on money and only purchased the essentials she laughed and said I better get to saving.
We literally don’t have any money and will only be focusing on saving for a rainy day fund and our mortgage. We won’t have any money to spend on any small appliances or any décor or anything.
That’s fine, I know it’s not important. I just feel a little sad because I don’t have any family to give me a housewarming present or to share this accomplishment with me. My mother passed away years ago and she was the only person who would get me a card and present for milestones or holidays.
Maybe I just miss that. We’re not participating in Christmas this year so nothing for that either. His family is taking a trip to Hawaii instead.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ your in-laws are rude, inconsiderate, jerks. It’s common courtesy to buy a housewarming gift. Even if they don’t have much money, a plant or even a box of chocs would be fine.
I’m sorry they’re not very nice people.
However… Congratulations on buying your own home! Even if it takes you years to fill it, you still get to close your own front door at the end of the day and feel safe and cozy in your own little space.
(check out the usual places marketplace, Craigslist, gumtree, etc. for bargains!). You’ll get there!” LaraH39
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If they were treating you like family and including you in the gift-giving at other times, like Christmas and birthdays, I suspect you would not be as hurt about this.
It’s really awful that you’re expected to attend these events and participate but they don’t reciprocate; I can’t imagine having my daughter-in-law sit around on Christmas and watch everyone else open presents without giving her something too. I know there’s the argument that ‘not everything is about presents’ or whatever, but they clearly ARE giving presents to other people, they’re just excluding you.
They sound like terrible people. I’m sorry.” Chrystory
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I am lucky to have my family near me for my and my partner’s new living situation. But I’ve been alone far from family before and boy is it hard when you just sit there feeling like no one is within any reach of giving you a gesture of a hug.
Don’t know where you live, and some areas have reputations for this. I’m reminded, reading what you’ve written, of people I know who just don’t think about these things.
If you’ve moved anywhere near me, hun, I’ll come give you a hug and a housewarming gift!” GertieGuss
3. AITJ For Wanting To Cut Off My Friends?
“I used to work in an office with 6 people. We got along and eventually, we went out to eat, for drinks, etc.
I noticed after a while that they had this thing where they talked crap about other people in the same company (but none of the office), and I didn’t participate because I like them (the people they were talking about).
Things got worse and for some time they were talking about people in the same office, about their affairs, or just gossiping about whatever they felt like. I knew they talked behind my back as well and I developed anxiety, I didn’t feel comfortable anymore, and thank God I got offered another job, closer to home with better pay, so I left that office.
This was about 6 months ago.
A friend knew that I was quitting my job and she needed one, so she asked me to recommend her (the job was alright, was in a decent range of payment). I did and she got hired. She didn’t last longer than a month bc they made her sign a contract that said that they were gonna evaluate her in order to receive a ‘full payment’ (they ended up paying her half of what they promised at first).
I never had to sign that contract, that was something new. As I said, she just ended the trial period a month after quitting.
The people in the office ended up telling her crap about me, that I wasn’t so smart and my position in the company was made up, in order for me to ‘do easy tasks’, also they told her I was terrible at it.
Naturally, I felt sad bc I did my best there, and supposedly they were ‘friends’ to me.
I had only two friends in that company, the ones that worked outside the office. They still work there and twice a month we get together for dinner or go to the movies, etc.
Last night I went out with them, to a coffee shop. One of them took a picture and put it on her social media. The picture obviously was of the three of us, having coffee.
I woke up today to see a text from a girl who I used to work with, telling me in a super passive-aggressive tone: I don’t know what I did to you, but thanks a lot for the invitation.
AITJ for not wanting to talk to her, nor any people of that office?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ even without all the background info, you’re under no obligation to spend free time with people you don’t want to spend time with.
If this is the first time you’ve heard from her, I’d say ‘I’m sorry you’re upset, but I didn’t think you were interested as I haven’t heard from you. No big deal, not every friendship is meant to last forever.’ It accomplishes several things: it’s not rude or confrontational (not a lot to argue with), shows what a hypocrite she’s being, and implies you’re done with the friendship and also care little on the matter.
Now if she’s nuts, she’ll argue back no matter what you say (she’ll be mad you’re not vying for her attention and approval), so feel free to ghost her at any point.” International-Aside
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You don’t owe anybody ‘friendship’ especially when they weren’t real friends to begin with.
If she wanted to spend time with you so bad she could’ve invited you and the others herself.” flaminh1997
2. AITJ For Being Mad That My Partner Left Me Alone At His Friend's Wedding?
“My (31F) partner (28M) was in a wedding party for one of his friends. Leading up to the event, I met a few of his friends once or twice in the 1.5 years we’ve been together and have gotten on fairly well with the friends.
I met the bride and groom twice and also helped them move apartments so was happy to celebrate their wedding with them once I got invited. However, I should mention that the wedding was on a Friday, so for me to come to the wedding I had to take a vacation day from work.
Also, I wouldn’t have been sitting with the wedding party but instead got sat with some old childhood friends of my partner and the groom. Before I made the decision to go, I knew going into the wedding that I wasn’t going to see him much during the first half of the day because of his groomsman duties, but I told him that if he wanted me there I would make an effort to be there and take the vacation day.
He said he’d like me there so I went.
So at the wedding, my partner barely spends any time at all with me. Even after dinner, he spends his time circulating the room and talking with other people, drinking heavily with other friends, and doesn’t really keep track of where I am in the room.
I got to know some of his friends better during dinner which was great, however, I still felt frustrated seeing some of the other groomsmen go back for their (also solo-sitting) partners and introduce them to friends, and consciously make an effort to enjoy the night with their partners while at the same time just seeing him just doing his own thing.
We did take one photo together before dinner and had one drink together, but the rest of the evening he would run away to talk to other people, and then later if I ran into those people and introduced myself without my partner there, they’d say ‘oh we know who you are, it’s so weird that (partner) didn’t introduce us’.
Essentially he didn’t keep track of where I was basically all night, to the point where his friends would ask ME where he was. I was pretty embarrassed that I didn’t know and that he was obviously leaving me with them to go off and socialize without me.
Another moment in the night was when I was dancing to Robyn’s ‘Dancing on my own’ by myself ironically, and I saw that he saw me from across the room and then left with some friends for 10-15 minutes.
I was pretty hurt at this. But I still had a good time because the booze was flowing and the people were great.
So, am I a jerk to expect that my partner should have spent more time with me at this wedding?
We did not fight or argue prior to this day by the way, and he’s done this to a slightly lesser extent at other weddings.
I should note that I did ask him just after dinner to spend more time with me but he didn’t really come back to spend time together until the dance floor was going, and even then he was more in it for his friends than me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’ve been to weddings where I only vaguely knew other guests. Just a bit awkward at the beginning there. Did you say anything to him when he did it before? It’s inconsiderate that he spent no time with you.
You might want to consider if it’s a larger pattern. In everyday things, is there give and take – or do you tend to cater to him/he’s the more important one in your relationship? And if you’re ok with that.” bbbrashbash
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, You said he has done this before maybe to a lesser degree at other weddings or events, so you really shouldn’t expect him to be any different at these. Of course he wanted you there regardless of whether he was able to spend time with you at the wedding as much as you would like for him to because he wants everyone to meet/see his partner.
That was obvious from how when you went to introduce yourself to someone and they would say ‘Oh we know who you are’ at least he did acknowledge you towards his friends.
Just to be honest I think most men are more apt to socialize at an event that involves their friends and honestly don’t think about their partner sitting there alone.
Just understand this for future events that this may happen and explain beforehand that you would love to go with him but you also don’t want to feel alone and give him examples of how this has happened before.
Maybe he will adjust.” MOD21280
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your partner sounds immature for his age. He’s 28. You are his partner and were at this wedding because of that, not because you met the bride and groom twice. You were his guest, and he ditched you.
You said this is something of a pattern and that you expressed your desire to spend more time with him. If he doesn’t know how to treat you by 28, I’m not sure there’s much room for improvement here.” MS149
1. AITJ For Not Being Sympathetic Toward My Grieving Photographer?
“I got married in September. I booked our photographer over a year in advance.
He has great reviews and I really like his work. We knew that his assistant would be the one shooting our actual wedding, and we were fine with that. We had a really jovial, friendly rapport built up during the engagement photos, it was all great.
The wedding day came, his assistant was a doll and we loved him. I paid the full price for everything, and right on time. At no time were we difficult clients, but totally the opposite.
Our contract states that after the wedding, we can expect to see rough edits, ask for some changes, and then get the full gallery back.
It states not to expect anything in less than 30 days, but it could take as long as 90 days. Verbally, he told me that turnaround was typically 8 weeks.
8 weeks after the wedding, I hadn’t heard anything at all (no sneak peek, no rough edits, had not seen a single pic), so I sent a text asking how things were going.
He referenced the 90 days and said he was running on time. I was disappointed, but the contract does say 90 days on the outside, so I let it go.
On day 85 I sent another text, checking in. He replied to say that his mom had passed two days before, and he’d be taking the rest of the month off and would resume working after the first of the year.
I replied with support but also indicated that I was concerned that we weren’t going to abide by the contract, and that I’d expected to have the photos before the holidays so I could gift albums to my parents and new in-laws.
He replied ‘There is an act of God clause.’ The contract does mention acts of God, but specifically with regards to if there is an emergency and the photographer can’t make it to your wedding. It details how he’d attempt to find a replacement photog, etc. I reaffirmed my sympathy for his situation but restated my concern at the fact that we’ve seen nothing yet, and we are worried. He replied with just, ‘wow.’
I understand that against the loss of a parent my desire for photographs seems trivial, but it’s been three months. I paid a lot of money for the pictures, and I really want them back. It is so delicate, and I honestly feel bad for him, and really empathize with his loss… but I do feel entitled to what I paid for and contractually agreed to.
To be informed 5 days before the deadline and only because I reached out, doesn’t sit well with me. It seems unprofessional, and at the very least like he should have offered a partial refund for not making the deadline.
I would have refused that offer if he’d extended it but would have appreciated the gesture of good faith. Mostly, I just want the pictures. I want to know for sure something didn’t happen to them, and that the record of our beautiful day isn’t lost.
So. It’s now day 93. No pics. AITJ for mentioning the contract and still wanting my pictures despite his mom passing?”
Another User Comments:
“Professional photographer and former full-time wedding photographer here. I worked in a fancy wedding studio in NYC and we shot like 150 weddings a year between 5 photographers so I feel like I’ve seen it all, but this is really concerning.
Breaking the contract under any circumstance is not okay for a professional in our field. I want to change the perspective a little bit away from the client being scared the photographer is going to delete her photos – I can not imagine ANYONE doing that.
We were always so panicked when a client wasn’t happy – so even at this point with him being angry and saying ‘wow,’ I can’t imagine he would want to make his client (AKA his boss) angrier by deleting the photos or doing a bad job with the edits.
Unless he is a psychopath.
Remember you employ him and you are the boss here. You have the power to sue him and you could RUIN him on social media which is how most wedding pros get their work these days.
In our world, reputation and reviews (on wedding wire and a bunch of other sites) were the holy grail, what we all wanted from the clients at the end (granted in NYC it’s pretty competitive, idk if it’s like this where you are or if he has some corner on the market.) still, if one bride saw your honest review, I’m betting she would skip to the next person in line for her money.
Additionally not sure what’s in your contract but yes you could sue him for the full cost of your wedding (most pros have insurance for this) to re-rent the venue, the food, and fly family in, and whatnot.
I think we actually had to do this one time years before I came on at my studio, I can’t remember the details of how the photos got lost but it was a horrible catastrophe and I know my boss would have done anything he could to prevent it.
Also, I left shooting there 6 years ago and I felt like that event was 10 years before I arrived, and technology has advanced so much that for the photos to be truly lost, something awful like all the photographer’s gear and their memory cards would have been stolen from the back of their car immediately after your wedding and remain stolen.
If that was the case he should and probably would have told you because they aren’t coming back and it would be time to discuss the next steps.
Data loss is a big issue in the wedding photography world.
If he’s truly a professional and/or techie, his camera would have two memory cards with the camera writing to both cards so it’s backed up if one fails, he should be backing up on-site to a second drive and then immediately on Monday morning to a big drive in their office.
The assistant who shot your wedding would be required to keep the backup they made on site until told otherwise. I still have hundreds of weddings stored on old hard drives in my basement. If the cards or drives failed he can send or take them to (very expensive) recovery places that will be able to recover the data.
I hope your dude was taking all these precautions and he’s not dealing w a recovery situation. Again if he was he should have communicated this to you by now.
Lastly, if he was getting overwhelmed with the sickness and then the loss of his mom, he should hire someone to finish the edit.
If he’s employing multiple assistant shooters I doubt he does any of the editing himself anyway. So why can’t he pass this one off and give himself time to grieve while the business continues running? None of it is really making sense.
I don’t know if any of this helps to get to the bottom of what’s going on with your photos but you are NTJ. Though his mom’s death is a horrible thing to have happened, your wedding is a one-time very expensive event that cannot truly be replaced or redone.
When weighing both events, I’d say they’re equally as memorable and one is as sad as the other is happy. I feel like this is not going to come off right but for example, I had to remind myself all the time while shooting weddings, ‘though I do this once or twice a weekend, this is OP’s ONLY wedding, this is maybe the biggest most expensive day of their lives’ so that I would remember to treat each day with that much weight (it got exhausting which is why I don’t do it anymore).
You don’t have to diminish the importance of your day due to a tragic event in his life… they can and should both exist independently and he should find someone to take over the reins of his business while he takes time to grieve.” fragrant_breakfast
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
When someone has paid money for services and goods that are guaranteed by a contract, the services and goods are due by the deadline defined in the contract.
The fact that some people here think the photos are trivial in the face of the photographer’s loss is immaterial. The photographer is still obligated to notify his clients that his obligation requires an extension.
If a parent passes away, you don’t just stop going to work, and if you do when your employer asks where you are, you don’t tell them you’ll be back in a month. Most people get 3 days to a week, and most employers will grant more if they are decent, but the point is the world doesn’t stop when you lose someone, and you are still accountable for paying your bills and functioning in a reasonable way.
OP wasn’t demanding the photos be done regardless of the photographer’s loss. He was asking for some reassurances that the photos are in fact not lost after 3 months and that some gesture of good faith is made.
By the way – it’s completely reasonable to be worried the photos are lost, if they weren’t backed up, any number of things could have happened to the hard drive or computer the images are stored on.
If the photographer can send his assistant to photograph the wedding, then he can ask the assistant to communicate his loss to his clients and offer some kind of explanation. Additionally, OP not only isn’t getting his photos as promised, he still doesn’t even know if they are intact because the photographer is being avoidant.
All the guy had to say was that he was sorry, the photos are fine and he will complete the job later than promised. I’m sure OP wouldn’t have loved it, but they would have at least known the wedding photos still exist.” KMCINWNY
Another User Comments:
“Sure, legally you may be in the right, but morally YTJ.
You clearly say he has great reviews, so presumably, he’s not a shady person where you would have any real reason to worry about your pictures getting done at all.
He could have been a lot more professional and sent out an email letting you know. But at the end of the day, his mother was presumably dying, and it’s morally completely reasonable that this would delay his process.
The typical turnaround time is 60 days, is it really so unreasonable that with his mother being ill, eventually passing, and all his other work combined would push this out past 82 days? And to then take off the holidays to deal with the situation and grieve?
You getting your pictures one month sooner or later is so ridiculously unimportant in the grand scheme of things compared to his mother’s passing. You got unlucky and you’ll get your pictures one month later. He got unlucky and his mother died. Come on, do a little introspection, how can you not do any better than ‘I’m so sorry that happened to you, but I have a contract so please get it done.’
My favorite is how you said in a comment something like ‘you don’t want to extend him a personal courtesy because you’re not friends and this is a professional setting.’ Great, that literally means you’re a jerk.
Being unprofessional means you don’t get a great review, don’t get recommended to others, and don’t get nice feedback.
It doesn’t mean you lose your dignity and people can just treat you like crap.” Ricsiqt
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not for wanting your photos or even for being disappointed when you didn’t get them on time, but for continuing to argue with him two days after his mother passed away.
My grandmother passed recently and my father was the ‘point person’ for her death. That meant in the course of five days he had to call various members of the family to tell them what had happened, write an obituary, pick out a coffin, talk to a priest about funeral mass, talk to a funeral home about a memorial service, order flowers, choose people to speak at the service, arrange for a headstone, pay hospital bills, put together photos for the memorial, coordinate with family members (some of whom normally don’t speak so that’s its own drama), plan a reception after the funeral, come up with several thousand dollars for all of these expenses, take care of his aging, grieving father and make sure there was always family with him.
AND process his own grief.
That’s what happens when someone dies. All of that, on a very tight schedule. Granted, this photographer may have only been handling some of these tasks, but still, the point is that when a parent dies, an adult child has an ENORMOUS amount of responsibility and a million things running through their head, you TWICE asked him to drop all of it to edit your photos.
Think about that: it’s conceivable that you asked him to stop writing his mother’s obituary, or pick out an outfit for her burial, to edit your photos.
And yes, like others have pointed out, it’s very possible that your photos were delayed in the first place because his mother was dealing with a terminal illness.
It sucks that you haven’t got your photos yet, but you’re making the hardest week of his life worse.
You could have, maybe, contacted his assistant to see if there was any way the assistant could handle some of the production stuff, or waited until the month had passed and asked for a (small) refund because of the contract being technically broken.
But to put all of this on him NOW makes you a major jerk.” jgwave
