People Twist Our Arm To Give Them Judgement For Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
16. AITJ For Not Attending My Sister's Baby Shower?
“My sister (35) and her husband (42) have 4 kids, 14M, 10M, and 7M/F twins. She is currently 8 months pregnant with their 5th. They dealt with multiple failed pregnancies between each pregnancy due to her husband’s rare genetic anomaly.
As much as I (24F) feel sorry for them because of the number of failed pregnancies, I have to draw a line between her wanting sympathy and manipulative attention-seeking behaviors.
I was left seriously disabled after a car crash when I was 15, which I shouldn’t have survived. Following the car crash, I depend on a wheelchair or walker for movement.
I also have significant damage to my middle ear, so my hearing is subpar at best. As such, I was often babied by my family and still get babied when around them.
When I lived with my mother, we routinely had family visiting, and I would see them several times a week.
As I now reside with a friend (26M), who I will call Martin, I no longer have that constant contact with my family. Martin’s job entails attending various social events and giving presentations. One such event was planned for August 18th after several months of preparation.
Martin usually went alone but was allowed to bring a plus one for this event. I agreed to go with him as it was an event bringing awareness to the effects of long-term disabilities. I felt the event would be an incredible opportunity to meet other disabled individuals and exchange experiences with them.
To my surprise, I got an invitation to my sister’s baby shower/gender reveal party one week before the event. Unsurprisingly, the baby shower was the same day as Martin’s event, which was obviously a problem.
I called my sister and explained that I could not attend the baby shower because of a prior engagement. My sister sounded genuinely disappointed but was alright with me leaving a gift with our mom.
That being said, I typically would not blow off such a family gathering, but, as stated before, I had a prior engagement I was tied to attending. I don’t know what happened at the baby shower, but people noticed I was a no-show.
I woke up the day after the baby shower to missed calls, voicemails, and texts from my family, including my sister. The texts and voicemails basically called me a good-for-nothing sell-out, ungrateful, money-hungry loser, cheap witch, etc. I was stunned by these messages and attempted to clear things up with my family, but they wanted nothing to do with me.
From what Martin and I both assume, my sister let it slip that I was attending an event with him rather than the baby shower.
I don’t think I did anything wrong by missing the baby shower, nor do I regret it.
Obviously, my family is of a different opinion. So, AITJ for missing my sister’s baby shower?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You had a prior engagement. You gave them a gift and let her know.
It wasn’t a malicious thing not to attend. It sounds like a guilt trip and people doing that aren’t worth the time. Even if she mentioned you had another plan, then people should understand you keep with your plans, unless it was an absolute emergency necessity to attend.
You are you, you had something else, you didn’t find out until after your plans, and you clearly made it simple that you had this other event rather than a sooner-than-expected one.
You’re an adult.
They are adults… You make a commitment, you stick to it. It could have gone the other way and you may have been called out for skipping what you planned initially and had to explain that.
It would feel like no win. In my opinion, you made your choice and stuck to it. Let them think about what they want. They do not dictate your priorities or plans you’ve already made.” ginger-inside-007
Another User Comments:
“Who the heck does a baby shower after kid #1? I have gone to ‘sprinkles’ for subsequent babies of the opposite gender (a very low-key baby shower usually consisting of cake and punch and gifts).
But a shower for baby #5? Talk about attention-seeking! Vand then to tell your other family members that you had a prior commitment, and somehow giving them the idea you were doing something for money? OH NO SHE DIDN’T GO THERE!?!
You are NTJ. Your sister and her flying monkeys are, but not you. I would be having a conversation with your sister about how you don’t appreciate the last-minute invitation and the subsequent bad-mouthing of you for not dropping everything for baby shower #5.
Further, if she wants to continue portraying herself as the victim, you will start telling her flying monkeys that you apparently were on her ‘B’ list and weren’t even invited until someone else canceled. And let her deal with that fallout.” JomolaMomo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Baby showers are mostly for a couple’s first child, where they get gifted lots of baby stuff (that can be used years later for other newborns). I assume you’ve been there for your sister’s other baby showers?
Sister needs a hobby she just pops out one kid after the other and expects people to turn up to ALL her baby-related arrangements (gender reveals, birthdays, not to mention the cost of presents during Christmas and birthdays for four kids), like people, have jobs and other responsibilities.
Sister is the jerk for making a big deal out of you not attending her FIFTH baby shower.” xxDiamondgirl
15. AITJ For Not Giving Money To A Thrift Charity Store?
“I (25f) have a small side hustle of reselling items from thrift stores. I go once a week to the three shops in my town for the past few years and it’s pretty hit or miss.
I have made some good money though. I’ve resold Chanel, Celine, Gucci, etc, and found from one of the three repeatedly.
Two weeks ago I went into the thrift store with the better finds and saw the Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Dunky Nikes in their higher-priced locked cabinet.
They were asking $120 so I bought them on the spot. I listed them on an online marketplace the same day and within 48 hours I was $800 richer. A week and a half later one of the thrift store workers came into my workplace (I’m on friendly terms with all the employees there since I go so often.
They know where I work in town).
Anyways, she comes in, finds me, and asks if I can return the shoes. She says they should have been on hold for another customer and now he’s upset because he wanted to buy them.
He was now offering $320 for them. I told her I’m sorry, I resold them pretty quickly and now she wants me to show her the transaction, and give the profit of my sale to the charity shop the thrift store donates to.
I politely declined the best I could, she wouldn’t really take no for an answer and is pretty upset with me. She hinted rather strongly I shouldn’t come back to the store. I told my partner what happened and he thinks I should give them the $800.
His reasoning is that I will make more overtime there picking up items and it’s not worth it to be banned from the store. I think they are overstepping and are inappropriate to ask me.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Oh so very NTJ!
They sold the shoes to you for the price they wanted to sell them for. You paid for them so they became YOUR property.
It doesn’t matter what you do with YOUR property, and it’s none of their business to demand to see the receipts or transactions or for you to share the money you made with them.
Lastly for that employee to tell you that you cant come back to the store because you purchased something and now they are butt hurt that they didn’t get more for the item, is really bad.
You did NOTHING wrong.
Sure you might miss out on some good items in the future, but to be blackmailed into giving the money you made just so they will let you continue shopping at the store is really bad business on their part.
I would keep shopping at the other stores, and if anyone asks why you don’t shop there any more you can be absolutely honest and tell them why. (and it’s very possible the owner or boss of the store doesn’t know anything about what that employee said to you).
Edit to add: If it were me, I would go to the store and ask to speak to whoever is the highest person (owner or whatever) and tell them that you’re really very sad to have been told that you cannot come back to the store unless you give the money you received for the shoes to the charity, to be blackmailed that way and that you would love to continue shopping there, but not if you are going to be treated that way.” MissSuzieSunshine
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – what you’re doing is legal. You bought them, legally, and sold them, legally. It is not your fault they ‘accidentally’ sold them when they were (supposedly) on hold and that they did not know the actual value of the product.
Sounds to me they figured out the actual value and are trying to backtrack on the sale. You did not have to prove to them that you sold them let alone tell them how much they sold for.
Your partner may be right though in keeping the peace. If you make a substantial amount of money doing this, you may want to consider donating some to the charity so you can keep going to the store, especially if there are no other thrift stores nearby.
You are not at all obligated to in any way though!” KrzyLdy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the thrift store employee tried to take back an item? I’ve never heard of such a thing. It seems like they didn’t know what they had and only later realized the mistake (and probably when they visited your website and saw the whopping profit).
If you give this back, where is the line drawn? Also, If this is just an employee she can’t ban you from a store and I would tell the owner/manager that she harassed you outside of the store for an item already purchased and that you are a frequent loyal customer.
Something sounds fishy here with this employee.” christycat17
14. AITJ For Wanting To Get Paid For The Cake?
“My (22f) cousin Janice’s son will be celebrating his 2nd birthday. Janice asked me if I would be nice enough to bake a cake for her son as a gift. I refused, I told her that I am gonna be busy this week because my I have to finish my thesis and finals is coming up and I have to study.
She insisted, and I again refused. She then sent dramas on our family group chat saying that she was very stressed looking for ways to make her son’s day special and she proceeds to tell the family that I refused to bake a cake for her son even though she was willing to pay.
She did not mention anything about paying me, not that I care since like I said, I am busy and will have no time to bake and design a cake for a party. She wanted a 3 tier cake with a Cocomelon theme.
After a few hours, she made a group chat with me and her mother and they insisted and begged me to consider. They told me that they will pay for everything. The cost of materials, labor, and even the gas for when I drive to the store to buy everything that I need. I agreed. I was sleep deprived for 3 days to make the cake.
Then the birthday came, and the cake was perfect. Everybody loved the cake. But they didn’t pay me on the exact day. I gave it a few days for them to reach out to me, but nothing.
I tried to call them, no answer. I tried messaging them via our family GC, no response. After a week, I messaged Janice and her mother to send the invoice for everything they need to pay, but again no response.
Now I am not the kind of person to confront them, so I let it go. But for me, this will be the last.
After about 4 months, Janice messaged me again. asking if I can make a cake for her birthday.
I refused. I said they failed to settle the payment for the 3 tier cake that I made for her son’s birthday. She got defensive and told me that her mother will pay for it and her birthday cake.
I didn’t budge. I said I won’t do anything for them anymore. She called me a **** and told me that the cake should be free since it was not pretty and they didn’t like the way it tasted. I told her it was funny that she was still asking me for another cake after she hated the first one.
She sent me a long message calling me names and telling me I am a jerk for not doing it for my family. Her mother messaged me calling me rude and greedy for not waiting until they settle the payment, I told her to **** and pay me before I call the police on them.
Now our family members from their side are messaging me calling me a jerk because I refuse to make a cake for her and for not respecting an elder. After all, I told her to shut up.
I told them to shut up too and get lost. I blocked them and I left the group chat. My mother told me that refusing them is justifiable, but I am wrong for saying such things to my relatives.
My brother told me I should go to small claims to make them pay. But my grandmother is telling me to let it go because I did not respect them.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Wow. NTJ in any case.
However, considering their level of entitled jerkness, make a choice regarding your mental well-being and your financial situation: If you have the energy, make sure you get that money. But if you don’t, let it go, don’t ever do anything for them again and if they contact you, always reply with ‘You owe me XY.
Make sure to pay your debt before contacting me again.’
Not accepting that you’re not able to squeeze it in your dull timetable, getting on your nerves and lying about paying to convince you, then not paying up for months and trying that same crap again?
It will take a lot to get money out of those people. Going no contact if possible might be worth forgetting about the money.” RiverSong_777
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for making the first cake what they did was baiting you into making the cake.
Now do what your brother is suggesting go to a small claim court and sue them to pay you. Learn how to stand firm with your decision, by reconsidering making them think they are entitled, and giving them new ways to manipulate you.
I hate when members of the family use the term ‘do it for family’ when they want free things. Just because they are family doesn’t mean they are entitled to anything. NTJ and don’t listen to anyone who is supporting their entitled behavior.
Yall should visit where am from; you can’t use the term family to get anything.” OverCounter8
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
To ask for the payment they offered you is totally ok. To refuse to make another cake since they did not pay you is totally ok.
Them pressuring you into making a cake after you said you were busy is them being jerks. Them not paying you after you caved is them being jerks. Janice telling you your cake was ugly was her being a jerk (sour grapes much, right?).
Janice was the one who decided to send you a mail calling you names. That’s on her. She went to her mommy to let her harass you, so that’s on her, too. Her mom calling you rude and greedy for wanting something they said they would do (paying you) is mom being a jerk.
But you were the disrespectful one? Interesting family.” redsoxx1996
13. AITJ For Not Wanting To Tell My Partner How To Keep The House?
“My (27F) partner (30M) and I own our house. My partner likes to tell me off for not having the house in perfect order, he will point out specific things like how this dish needs to go in the dishwasher or the laundry needs doing or this room needs hoovering.
Every day he comes home from work and complains that the house is in a state (it’s not, he’s just lived with his mum who is a housewife and has nothing better to do than clean).
I work, so I keep the house as nice as I can but get so frustrated that he doesn’t contribute! Recently we sat down and talked this through and he told me he would do more if I told him what to do, but I don’t think I should have to give him specific instructions on how to keep our own home nice when he clearly sees what needs doing.
I told him if he sees something that needs doing, he should just do it, just like I do. But he says he won’t do anything to keep the house nice unless I tell him to specifically.
AITJ for standing my ground and refusing to coddle this 30-year-old man?
Bonus points if you can explain to me why he thinks this is an ok response. I’m at my wit’s end.”
Another User Comments:
“Tell him that event organizer is a job. There are lots of books written on how women always end up carrying the mental load of the house. The mental load is the job of thinking about what needs to be done and delegating the task to someone to do it.
It is in essence the event organizer of the house. So in the event of a wedding. The wedding planner does not actually do the manual labor but they do the mental labor of ensuring everything is planned and organized. So they won’t prepare each bouquet of flowers but they will call the florist and ensure that the flowers are there on time.
In a household, this job includes making a note of when all the jobs in the house need to be done, and for special jobs like grocery shopping noting what needs to be added to the list and what bills need to be paid and what errands need to be ran so that the household functions.
This is a full-time job. In the olden days, this was the job of the housekeeper and butler and not the job of the maidservants.
So tell him if you were going to be responsible for all the mental load of the household you should be responsible for none of the manual labor of the chores.
Because the mental load is a job in itself.
NTJ.” Ambitious-Screen
Another User Comments:
“Might be time to go on a strike.
If he has time to point to something out of place, then he has the cognizant capability to put it away.
Instead, he’s trying to force you into a mold that no one can achieve.
And if he won’t clean unless you point specifically to something that’s out of place, then give him a specific list of things he needs to do… vacuum the house – daily, wash all the dishes – daily, and clean the bathroom – daily.
NTJ
But there are a lot of RED FLAGS with your partner. It might also be time to move out and let him figure out how to clean. Unless he went straight from his momma’s house directly to both of you living together.
He knows how to clean.” Repulsive-Nerve5127
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I can tell you why he thinks this is an okay response: Because he believes in old gender roles where it is the woman’s job to keep the home nice.
You both work, which means you both do chores. This man can point out when the house isn’t in ‘perfect order’ but he cannot fathom a world where he fixes those things instead of just complaining about them.
I suggest that you use his complaints as his attempt to help.
You are right honey, the dishes do need to go in the dishwasher, you can handle that right?
You can run a load of laundry if you need something.
You know where the vacuum is, if you want to do that now, we can have dinner after.
Stop responding to his complaints by doing the things he says, and start making it clear to him that he should do them.
My guess is that isn’t going to help, to be honest, but you should try it.” mfruitfly
12. AITJ For "Stealing" My Parents' Housekeeper?
“So, my parents are rich, and by rich, I mean rich rich, old money rich. They are also super pretentious, and not good people.
Back in the 80s (before I was born), they hired a then 16 years old undocumented girl to be a maid. By the time I was born in 94, she was head housekeeper, also she was documented by then.
She was the only constant presence in my life, my parents were the definition of absent, and I had a revolving door of nannies. This lady was the one who did most of the actual child-rearing when it comes to me.
My parents treat her horribly, before she got married she was basically working 24/7 since she lived in our house. After she got married, she would have to be in before 6 am and didn’t leave until 10 or 11 pm, she had one day off a week, and if my parents were home, they usually called on her to stay on her day off too.
She was also criminally underpaid.
She was very grateful to them because they helped her get her visa and all, so even when I encouraged her to find other opportunities, she would refuse.
After leaving home for college, I would often ask my parents to ‘borrow’ her, mostly to give her some time off, I also made sure to pay her.
I went to college, graduated, and started working 2 years ago. This year I bought my own house, then I asked her to come work for me. I promised her 4 workday weeks, 4 times what she is making at my parents’ house, a month off vacation, unlimited PTO, and a 9-7 workday with a very light workload.
She accepted.
Now my parents are very upset with me, she has been with them for almost 40 years, almost 30 of those as a head housekeeper, now the staff is floundering and it became a problem for them.
I wouldn’t have felt like a jerk at all if it wasn’t for 2 things: my parents are in their 60s and 70s, and they are in poor health, this has put a lot of stress on them, causing my dad to get worse.
I was already ‘borrowing’ her for 3 or 4 days a week, and just asking her to stay home.
Also, the words in parentheses are what my parents use, I in no way condone their use, nor do I see her as an object, she was and still is closer to a mother to me than an employee.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your parents are.
That they can accuse you of ‘stealing’ another human being shows that they don’t value her as an equal human being.
On a practical level, you can’t poach an employee who is treated well.
I have a housekeeper who comes once a week and I treat her very well. I pay her much more than the going rate. I pay her bonuses for holidays and her birthday. I paid her for a full year during the global crisis when I didn’t use her services because it was my decision to not have her come that year and she needed the income.
When other people complain that they can’t find good housekeepers or they are unreliable or leave, I am completely unworried.” Jujulabee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you don’t want lessons to hit you hard late in your life, the best idea is to get off your butt and learn them earlier.
Your parents had decades to figure out how not to be abusive employers – and now they real the reward of not being employers at all (to her, anyway). And frankly, seeing as it sounds like they’re still very wealthy, this is nothing but an inconvenience to them.
They’re simply so spoiled that inconvenience feels like a tragedy. Meanwhile, she’s got to be beating retirement age herself. How much of retirement savings do you think she was able to save up while they were lining their own pockets criminally underpaying her for working her butt off for them with no work-life balance at all?
And how much sleep do you think they’ve ever lost over that? Let them cry into their pillows stuffed with hundred dollar bills.” ISTFMM
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Let me get this straight:
You told someone that they are a valued employee
You offered a salary to match that perceived value
You also offered vacation time and PTO, plus reasonable work hours (although 9-7 is pushing it, but if she’s only working 4 hours a week, maybe that’s okay?
not sure)
So… you basically head-hunted her?
Is that not something that lots of employers do? I mean, sure, the companies that previously employed them will cry that you ‘stole an employee’. But if they were so valuable, why didn’t they pay them a better salary and give them better working conditions/hours?
You aren’t the jerk. They should have treated her better and paid her better.
Also, your housekeeper is probably also worrying about her own retirement. If she’s in her 50s, then she still has several years that she can work, but not as much as when she was 16.
Maybe another 10 to 20 years, at best. She also probably wasn’t given a W2 by your parents, so her social security is going to be small (or maybe even non-existent).
She might be thinking that better pay from you may mean she can pay her bills and still save for retirement.
If I was in my 50s with hardly any savings after a lifetime of work, I would definitely reconsider my position and take a better offer when it was handed to me.” NotSoAverage_sister
11. AITJ For Comparing My Brother To Our Deadbeat Father?
“My brother ‘Tom’ is divorced and has two kids: ‘Kim’ who is 19 and ‘Liz’ who is 17. Because Tom and I’s own father was a deadbeat (he didn’t want to raise us and ran off to avoid his child support obligations), Tom is barely around for his own kids yet expects to be praised and hailed as the world’s greatest father for providing the bare minimum.
Tom expects his ex-wife ‘Rose’ to schedule all the kids’ events/appointments and constantly remind him of all of the kids’ events like he’s a child himself. Rose will notify Tom weeks in advance of an appointment or event through email and their court-monitored messaging site.
She’ll send a follow-up reminder both the week and the day before the event. (Including school events, where Tom’s already sent an email by the school.)
Tom ‘forgets’ and then blames Rose for ‘being irresponsible’ since ‘It would take ten seconds for Rose to send me a text.
She knows I don’t check my email every day!’ Tom has reminders set on his phone for social media. But he can’t be bothered to set up a calendar app.
Kim told me that she can count on her hands how many of her events/appointments Tom has ever shown up to.
The breaking point for Kim was when Tom ‘forgot’ about her high school graduation and was instead out drinking with his friends. Kim is at college and has not spoken to Tom once since her 18th birthday.
Instead of this being a wake-up call for Tom, he again blames Rose and expects to be hailed as the world’s greatest father because he financially provides the bare minimum and still is never there for Liz.
Tom gets Liz for 1 ½ week a month and Liz says Tom is never even there and she’s just stuck house/dog sitting. Liz said that Tom couldn’t remember a single one of her friends or teachers when she pressed him about it.
While we were visiting our mother’s house, Tom was complaining because he had not shown up to Liz’s driving test where she got her license, and blamed Rose again. Tom then complained about Liz because ‘Now talking to her is like pulling teeth!’ and how ‘She tries to make me feel unloved in my own home!
Her mother’s turned her into an inconsiderate brat.’
I was biting my tongue before, but Tom insulting his own daughter that way made me see red. I snapped that ‘Tom, you’re a pathetic excuse for a father.
How can you expect people to praise you when you care about Kim and Liz as our father did for us?’ Tom screamed his head off but I left.
Several people are calling me a jerk because unlike me, Tom was old enough to remember when our father left and I was out of line to essentially throw that trauma in his face.
Also that Tom just didn’t have someone to model how a father should act to him but instead of trying to gently correct him (which I’ve tried many times in the past) I insulted and used profanity toward Tom.
I think everything I said was true and deserved. And no matter what, crappy childhoods don’t excuse trashy adult behavior. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – If Tom’s children were anywhere close to as important to him as he claims, he wouldn’t need reminders from Rose.
He would be checking his email and the court-mandated app every single day. He would be on top of it like a hawk. I’ve met fathers who don’t have custody of their children at all but still do everything they can to prioritize their children,
The unfortunate reality is Tom is exactly like your dad, and whether he admits it or not, his own children already see it. And that’s the heartbreaking thing in the end because they know for a fact he’s not a good father.
Who forgets their own child’s graduation or driving test?
Honestly? You did the right thing as his sibling in my opinion for calling him out on his crap. The problem is Kim is already 19 and Liz is 17.
They’re young women who likely already have it ingrained in them that Tom is never going to be a proper father to them.
Chances are he’ll never change and the moment Liz turns 18, that’s likely going to be it.
No more need for reminders, no more need for court messaging services, she’ll be an adult and unless college is involved, Rose will never need to tell Tom anything ever again and his daughters aren’t going to do it either.
Too late Tom, 19 years too late. He doesn’t get to use his own traumas as an excuse for being the same way to his own children. Those people who are calling you a jerk are just enablers.
Real friends and family who have your best interest in mind would be calling Tom out for his behavior.” Neither-Reason-263
Another User Comments:
“While I will say you could have handled the situation with a bit more tact and grace, ultimately you are NTJ.
Someone needed to give Tom some tough love before ‘heaven forbid’ his kids decide to cut your entire family out of their lives because of him. Hopefully, with some time, Tom can come around and finally be open to hearing and accepting the advice and criticism from those close to him, but that all depends on him.
One point I will ask you to take to heart going forward, (as someone who has also struggled under the absence of a quality father figure) is that your relatives are right about men lacking a ‘good father figure’ having difficulties being a ‘good father’ themselves.
This doesn’t mean that they CAN’T be good fathers, and it doesn’t excuse your brother’s behavior towards his own kids in any way. It simply highlights the fact that the lack of a reference makes completing any task harder (like trying to draw a picture with your eyes closed).
If you can keep that in mind when dealing with Tom in the future about these issues, it can help you show that you are empathetic to his plight while still allowing you to be critical of his choices and actions.
Also, when all is said and done, everyone has their own idea of what a ‘good father’ looks like, and his ideal of that may never match up with yours. It seems like your brother feels he’s being the ‘ideal father’ in his situation, but, unfortunately for Tom, his ideal isn’t in line with what you or his children view as being ‘ideal.’ The only thing that will fix a conflict of competing expectations like this is going to be effective communication.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
My father was a lot like Tom. He really didn’t care about my sister and me. He had both his parents when he was growing up, so the excuse of the father running off wasn’t valid.
A trashy parent is a trashy parent. Tom is using the idea of ‘at least I’m supporting them financially, unlike my own father’ as his yardstick for being a good father. That is his legally obligated duty, not ‘dad’ duty.
Everywhere else, he’s just checked out of their lives. He hasn’t taken the time to get to know his kids, nurture them, and support them like a real dad would.
Childhood trauma is not an excuse and it never will be.
You are correct, he had the perfect example of how not to be a deadbeat father. Instead of going to the other end of the spectrum where ‘good dad’ resides, he just went one step better than the example that was set for him.
Honestly, did the man never watch family-oriented television shows? There are some great, realistic examples of fathers in quite a few of them.
He’s what? Forty, give or take? He can’t blame his ex-wife because he has no sense of responsibility to his kids.
She should not have to remind him of every little event constantly. A real dad would take note of what was going on and make sure they remember it somehow: written on the hand, put into the phone, stapled to his forehead, whatever.
There are no awards for doing the court-appointed bare minimum. If he really cared about his kids, he’d be going above and beyond. Tom is just selfish, plain, and simple. It’s no wonder his daughters have checked out on him.” Spell_Blade
10. AITJ For Yelling At My Mom For Not Being Able To Attend My Husband's Funeral?
“My (f28) husband passed away a month ago. My heart feels like it’s been ripped out of my chest, but I’m trying to get through it all.
The funeral was small, in his home state. We have the memorial on Saturday, which friends, and extended family are attending.
My mom is very close to her siblings. I want to add that I also have a good relationship with my cousins, aunts, and uncles.
My reaction isn’t based on some built-up anger or something.
My 5-year-old cousin fell yesterday and hit his head, he had a pretty bad bruise and vomited. They went to the ER, he got checked out with a CT scan, and thankfully everything is fine internally.
My aunt let the family know what was going on and my mom was going crazy with worry. She let me know and told me to talk to my aunt, I called her and she was crying, saying how scared they all got.
Mom said that she wasn’t sure if she could attend my husband’s memorial, depending on how my cousin was doing. I was pretty shocked. She said that my aunt and uncle are going through a lot of emotional turmoil and she’s so worried about them.
Now I will completely understand if my aunt’s family can’t make it, but I want my mother to be with me through my emotional turmoil. I admit I sort of lost it and cried/yelled at her on the phone, that I’m sorry what happened to my cousin but they’re fine.
My husband is dead. I’m barely holding it together and now she’s telling me she can’t make it. My mom said I’m overreacting and something really bad could’ve happened (to my cousin). I hung up, she just sent me a message saying she understands I’m emotional and she’ll try to make it, but I should be more understanding towards my baby cousin.
I decided to post here for some unbiased opinions if I went too far yelling at my mom.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all.
I’m trying to be charitable to your mom. Maybe she’s having a really hard time with her son-in-law’s death and doesn’t know how to properly process/deal with it.
I had a family member who was completely stoic and almost unemotional when her father died. But right after that, the old dog he owned died too and she just lost it. Uncontrollable sobbing/freaking out/trying to resuscitate the dog, just an all-around ugly scene.
All of her emotions were poured into the dog, not her dad.
That being said, she’s your mom, she should be there for the emotional support you absolutely need. Calling you ’emotional’ about this was out of line and rude.
I’m really sorry for your loss. I hope you can keep yourself together and have other people to rely on.” I_DRINK_ANARCHY
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your cousin has been checked out by doctors and has been cleared of any major issues.
Then add he has parents to care for him. I realize it was a scary incident, but he’s going to be fine AND he has parents to care for him.
You lost your husband, and need support too.
Your mom’s rationale is frankly bizarre to me. Rushing to support a child that’s ok now, and has parents over her own daughter that lost her husband, yet tells you to think of others (when the kid is fine and already has people to help).
It’s a real head-scratcher.” Complete_Hamster435
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your cousin has two parents and is physically fine. He’s even been cleared by medical professionals. He is a nephew you however are her daughter and you are dealing with the passing of your husband.
Your mother is being callous towards you and then being condescending towards you by saying crap like your overreacting and just emotional. Of course, you’re emotional! You lost your husband. She’s acting like you don’t have the right to those emotions.
Honestly, this would be a hardline for me. If she chose not to come, because that’s what it would be, a choice, I’d be going low contact.” Significant_Apple799
9. AITJ For Getting My Late Father's Tools Back?
“My father passed away a couple of years ago. His home is owned by my sister, Jane. Jane’s ex-husband, Sam, moved into the home after my father passed so that it wouldn’t be unoccupied. I moved most of my father’s important furniture, etc. out of the house and into a storage unit so that Sam would have plenty of space to live in (it’s a three-bed, two-bath house).
The only items I did not move were my father’s tools (hand tools, power tools, etc.) in the two-car garage downstairs. The tools did not take up too much space, and I wanted the opportunity to gradually sort through the tools with my sister Jane and my brother Tom.
My sister’s ex-husband, Sam, said this was fine and that he wouldn’t touch the tools in the garage.
This past March, about a year and a half after my dad died, my brother, Tom came here to visit.
We went to Sam’s house (i.e., the house my dad used to live in) and many of the tools were gone (probably a couple of thousand dollars worth of power tools and hand tools).
My brother and I found out that Sam had given (or loaned? it’s not clear) the tools to a neighbor, Fred. My sister was apparently aware of this beforehand but didn’t mention it to me or my brother because she wasn’t sure if it would cause a confrontation, and because she wasn’t sure if it mattered.
My brother said he would return within a few months to get the tools, and Jane and Sam said this was fine, that the tools were at Fred’s house, and that my brother and I could get the tools whenever we wanted. My brother has now returned to visit us and get the tools.
We called Fred and he said that he would put a box of tools outside, that he had thrown some of the tools away, and that we could not retrieve any of the tools from his home.
There are thousands of dollars worth of tools missing. When my father was sick in the hospital, he instructed us to sell the tools. Of course, it’s not really about the money (or at least not exclusively) – the tools also have a lot of sentimental value to my brother and me (not clear if they have sentimental value to my sister).
I never gave permission for Sam to loan out the tools to the neighbor, Fred, and my brother didn’t either. I recognize that it has now been two years since my father passed away, but my brother and I were given no prior notice before many of his tools were given away to Fred. If we had known, we would have retrieved the tools before they could be given away.
Also, Sam really doesn’t have any right to give away the tools – they’re not his tools, and he said he wouldn’t touch them.
My sister Jane, my sister’s ex-husband Sam, and the neighbor Fred have referred to this entire situation as ‘silly,’ ‘ridiculous’ and ‘crazy.’ I just want the tools back.
I plan to contact the sheriff’s office about the missing tools if I am unable to recover them from Fred. Jane and Sam have already stated that they are opposed to my doing this.
I am so fatigued from this whole situation.
I just want my dad’s tools back. I don’t know why the tools were given away without anyone being notified. AITJ?
UPDATE: I went to Fred’s house this morning and met with Fred’s wife, Anna, at the front gate.
(Fred was not present.) Fred had gathered all of the items and placed them under a blue tarp. When Sam found out I went to Fred’s house without him, he became extremely irate, said that I had ‘messed everything up’ and that he was supposed to handle it, and also said that if I went back to his house (i.e., the house my dad lived in before he died) then he would call the police and have me arrested for trespassing.
Fred’s wife Anna was very understanding of the situation, spoke briefly to a shouting, agitated Sam on the phone, and then opened the gate so that we could retrieve the property. Anna stated that there was no more property belonging to my dad in her and Fred’s house.
She told us that many, many months earlier, Sam had contacted them (Fred & Anna) and asked if they wanted any of my dad’s old tools because otherwise, Sam was going to throw them away.
So they took some items, and now we have those items back.
I guess what this means is that Sam probably threw away, gave away, or sold most of my dad’s tools. The previous statement that all of the tools had been loaned to Fred, and that we would be able to retrieve them from Fred, was a lie.
I’ll never be able to recover most of the tools, which is pretty disappointing. Oh well.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The tools were stolen or sold by the neighbor. Hopefully, they were NOT sold. Make the very best list you can from memory.
Also, hunt through old photos. Did anyone take any pictures of the garage that might happen to have the photos in them? Hunt your old photo albums (keyword searches can be helpful too if they are online; you can also go into google maps and pinpoint all photos taken in a given location if you have that tracking on).
Check your texts with Sam and the neighbor to show that they both admit to Sam giving the tools to the neighbor.
Get the list and then tell Sam that you are reporting the tools as stolen.
It doesn’t matter that it was 2 years after your father passed. Those tools were not Sams and definitely not the neighbors.
Then go to the police and report the tools as stolen. Your best-case scenario is that the police look in the neighbor’s house and find the tools.
But you will need to prove that they are your tools.
It will be a painful headache and it may be easier to walk away.” coffeecoffi
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Sweetie, I’m so sorry.
The tools are gone. The sheriff probably cannot help you, and trying to escalate this disagreement into a criminal matter is a mistake. It’s sad your dad’s tools were misused and stolen. I’m sorry that happened. Jane, Sam, and Fred are at fault for that.
But what’s done is done.
When parents pass away, it is usual for their children to have a falling out over the belongings and estate; it is normal to make bad choices and argue. If I were you, I’d get Sam out of the house and sell it before he does more despicable things, with Jane’s connivance.
You delayed dealing with your dad’s tools, and they just evaporated; it’s sad, but it’s a thing that often happens. Deal with the rest of your father’s estate (the house) immediately and stop procrastinating on the important stuff, or you will be disappointed again.” Harmlessoldlady
Another User Comments:
“This is a subject close to my heart and it’s hard to be unbiased, but I do think unfortunately that you don’t have much of a legal leg to stand on. If there was no indication in the will over who got your dad’s tools, there’s just not much the police can do in the long run if the neighbor decides to hold on to them.
NTJ, by the way.
The best you can do is make an impassioned plea to your neighbor for them, offer to buy them back, and try to make your neighbor understands just how much it means to you.
Tears and pictures if needed. Other than that, your hands are tied. I’m so, so, so sorry this happened to you, OP. You are not the jerk for being angry about the misplaced property and are not the jerk for exhausting your options to get them back.
From the bottom of my heart, good luck.” one_1f_by_land
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, I get this is upsetting for you, but it’s not your father’s house, it’s just the place he lived. It’s clear it was always your sister’s house.
She may have got it for your father to live in, but it was and is hers. How long should she be expected to keep what seems to be a large assortment of tools? You try and downplay it as not taking up too much space, but you also said one of them is a table saw so I imagine there are at least one or two other comparable-sized ones.
Along with you saying thousands of dollars worth are missing, it sounds like it could be closer to a home workshop’s worth of tools.
Did the initial conversation indicate it would be anywhere near a year and a half before you even came to look at the tools?
You said you wanted to go through them slowly and it took another few months before your brother even came back again. You just expect your sister to keep all this crap she doesn’t care about for a couple of years so you and your brother can come by every few months to get some more?
In practical terms, you abandoned that all those tools on someone else’s property.
I think your sister was kinda inconsiderate, as is her ex, but so are you and your brother.” YouKnowEd
No matter how amicable their initial divorce was, if I was Jane, I would be evicting him for this.
8. AITJ For Ignoring A Guy At The Gym?
“I’ve been going to this gym for almost three years.
I mostly keep to myself and stay in my lane. Recently this guy from one of the gym cliques started coming up to me and complimenting what I was wearing or just saying hi. At first, I thought he was hitting on me, but I noticed he was very social with everyone.
It was a little awkward and odd because I always have my earbuds in and don’t invite conversation, but I was cordial. It was actually kind of nice.
One day he came up to me and told me ‘I can tell you’re going through something, and I just want to let you know that you matter what…’ and went on this kind of speech that alluded I was not in a good place and contained themes like ‘You were put here for a reason’ etc. It made me very uncomfortable, so I told him thanks.
It didn’t sit very well with me.
Then he started coming up to me and asking how my day went and how I would rate it on a scale of 0-10, asked how he could make it better, and asked for my Instagram.
He did this for a couple of days, and I got extremely uncomfortable with someone asking me all these personal questions so I just decided to start avoiding him and avoiding any and all eye contact so I don’t invite further conversation.
I’m sure it is well-intentioned, but it just makes me feel bad about myself; it makes me feel like I’m some charity case.
I recently ran it over with some friends, and some think it was way over the line to be asking that but other ones think it was genuinely caring and that I was cold to start ignoring someone who put themselves out there like that.
Am I the jerk? I feel guilty.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s creepy and this is disturbing. He does not have good intentions. He’s trying to manipulate you into doubting yourself so you’ll be more open to his advances.
Your feeling guilty is what he’s relying on. It means what he’s doing is working.
Report him to the gym management. You don’t have to go into details. Tell them he has been approaching you every time you come in and that he won’t leave you alone.
When he approaches you you need to loudly tell him to leave you alone. Loud enough so others hear it. ‘PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE’, ‘I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE’. This is amazingly effective with most creepy men.
Other people will step up or at least take out their phones. The gym really needs to address this. Their patrons should feel safe to work out without harassment. The dynamics of harassment are the same in gay people as in straight people.
I say this to stress that this is a potentially dangerous situation. Please be safe.” emccm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. His actions were uncalled for. Not interacting at a gym doesn’t mean you have mental health issues.
Not responding to him in a comparable way does not mean you have mental health issues. You have nothing to feel bad about. He had no right to start harassing you like that. I don’t care if he has a degree in mental health psychology, he still has no right to approach a stranger anywhere and start telling them they have problems and need support.
He needs support with learning how to be a respectful human.” horror-fan81
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He sounds like a person I know who has had a somewhat similar gym issue happen and while his interest is genuine and he is just a very happy outgoing inclusive person, he has been told that he can come on a little strong.
Which sounds like the case here. Your guy likely has no idea that his over-friendliness feels like harassment to you. We are not all made the same and sometimes that piece of info can slip such outgoing personalities’ minds, they think they can draw anyone out…
While his approach may not be coming from an inappropriate place… What is inappropriate is his decision that he can place his own meaning or perception of your emotional or personal state on you even in the form of concern.
Tell him that while you appreciate his concern you are actually doing very well and his interpretation and subsequent pushing of his agenda on you makes you very uncomfortable and you would like to go back to a simple hello or nothing at all if he can’t respect that boundary.
You can if you feel comfortable to follow it up with an ‘if I ever need anything I will keep you in mind, but until then know that I am ok.’
If you’re not comfortable talking to him at all you can always write him a letter.
But the important part is that this is communicated somehow. Otherwise, that niggling feeling that he’s going to pop out of nowhere and smother you with overbearing well-wishes is always going to be there in the back of your head.
And you shouldn’t have to deal with that. Best of luck and my own (hopefully not overbearing) well wishes to you in your life.” n0_us3rnam3_
You don't state your gender or gender identity but, a study was conducted in UK and the result showed that many women would not go to the gym for feeling uncomfortable with men approaching them and wanting social interaction, sometimes bordering on harassment, when all they wanted was exercise.
I'm sure that men, non-binary, etc can feel the same way.
I cannot afford a gym at the moment but when going had occasions where someone would approach me. On occasions said people would not take the hint of my short and cold answers and I had to ask 2 or 3 times to let me be.
If that does not work go to one of the managers and report the issue.
7. AITJ For Not Taking Care Of My Children's Half-Sister?
“My ex and I share three children together ages 12, 11, and 9. Our marriage broke down bitterly more than 8 years ago.
He had fallen for someone else. She was someone who had treated me like trash for months for what was then an unknown reason to me. But either they were having an emotional affair or a physical one but something was brewing between them.
She took her anger at the fact he was married out on me and when he was finally honest and open with me, he allowed her to come into the home we had shared to tell me she was going to be my kid’s mom and she would take my life over.
So things were not good for a long time and I have never forgiven him for how all of that was handled, especially when I had a very difficult time after the birth of our youngest.
Fast forward 18 months and they’re married and she’s pregnant. Ex is having a hard time getting our kids excited and happy and attempts to get me to play happy family with them for the sake of the kids.
I told him the only positive thing I could do was say nothing at all, because I was not going to play friends or like a caring family member for them or their baby.
When his daughter was born the mom bailed. Apparently, she hadn’t really wanted kids, just him, but realized he was never going to love her more than the kids.
She died a little less than 6 months later. When he found out he wanted me to get involved with his daughter. He told me his ex wasn’t coming back and he had three kids with two parents and one with just him.
I told him I would never be that little girl’s mother.
Over the years I have attempted to get used to this little girl. She’s innocent and my children’s half-sister. I am not playing a familial role but I am friendly around her and interact with her on occasion.
Mostly I try to make things easier for my kids.
Ex tried to remarry again but his daughter wanted a mother, and the woman did not want to be one. So she’s had a chaotic life.
Ex has been suffering from some health problems for a number of years now. He’s due to have a pretty big surgery to try and help. But he has nobody who can take care of his daughter while he’s off his feet.
He asked me. While also asking me if he wanted to request that I be willing to become her guardian if something were to happen to him. This is where more hard lines were drawn and I said no. He begged me and I told him I did not want to raise his child or look after her/spend that amount of time with her.
He told me it would be better for her to be with me than friends of his who have no kids. He said it would be better for her to be with family. I told him there was no way.
He tried to get our kids involved but they told him it would be weird for her to live with us. I was mad at him for involving them like that.
We argued for more than a week.
He called me a jerk for taking this out on his child. Then I found out she knew. She looked so sad when I saw her last. And knowing what she’s been through. I have to ask AITJ?
ETA: Ex’s family is not involved. They do not like each other. They do not have a relationship. They do not stay in touch. Last I knew they all lived in different countries and have no interest in a relationship.
The mom’s family… it’s complicated and I can’t go into a lot but they are not involved and are not really suitable people to have around/raise a child. So they would not be around to take care of her either.
My children are not close to her. They are not unkind. But they are far closer to each other than they are with her and they don’t have the same relationship with her as they have with each other.
It’s not even close to it really.
The little girl in question is 6.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your ex-husband had an affair, abandoned you, tried to steal your children, and now that his other woman is out of the picture, is trying to manipulate you into taking on the product of his bad decisions?
This man is disgraceful. However his daughter found out, it is HIS responsibility not to get her hopes up and emotionally torture her. You feel guilty because you are a decent human being, but also recognize that you would not be a good guardian to a girl who continually reminds you of your ex’s cruelty and betrayal. That is a good reason to keep your distance: you are protecting everyone involved. Her, yourself, and your children.
Please ignore anyone who thinks you should ‘be the bigger person’. That is such a childish way of looking at this situation. You have already been the bigger person by refusing to badmouth this awful man.
Don’t do anything that will harm your mental health. Your children need their mother, healthy and happy. Your ex’s daughter can be taken care of by someone else.” Accomplished-Cheek59
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Good for you for standing your ground. I was honestly shocked at how the story went, specifically in the way that woman would ‘take your life over’. But I’m glad you’re not dealing with that anymore.
He messed up by having a child with a disgusting human being. He should’ve thought of that before having an affair and treating you like crap. The audacity he has to ask anything of you in regard to that child is insane.
He is so shameless.
As for his daughter, she is in an unfortunate situation. If you don’t have love for that child, I think it would be best for her to be placed in a home where she is loved and doesn’t have anyone who has any type of resentment towards her.
I just think it would benefit her most and it would be the healthy thing to do for both you and her. She could still visit her half-siblings and have a good relationship with them to not feel so alone.” Unpopularopinionpod
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re not obligated to step in and be a parent to your ex’s child. I feel for her, I really do, but this is her father’s making, not yours.
He has been not so subtly attempting to get you to take on a more motherly role at times, which you have rightfully rejected. That is a hard boundary for you and should be respected. It’s also not fair on your daughters to have to deal with his attempts to play happy families.
It’s sad that she knew what he was asking/wanting, but that’s on him again. She shouldn’t have been told. I would bet that he’s been telling her things like you’ll be happy to take her and be her mum, spend time with her sisters, etc. Plus, could you be sure that if you did do this, would he expect you to take her more?
Pick her up from school if she’s sick.
He has family/friends and so does her mum. He can ask them.” HunterDangerous1366
While I feel sorry for the little girl, I understand where you're coming from. It can't be easy on you. He had an affair and now wants you to be responsible for the product of said affair.
He obviously knows he messed up and it cost him a good wife and mother to his children and somehow he seems to believe his daughter should be entitled to that same good mother if he passes. Unfortunately, she is not and he is being a jerk for trying to force and manipulate you by using the children.
Was I in
6. AITJ For Saying My Mom Is Overstepping?
“I am married to my husband and my step mum has been in my life since I was about 3 or 4 and we have always gotten along very well.
I have recently had a baby, it was an awful pregnancy and my birth was very traumatic, I almost passed away from b***d loss. My husband called my mum, mother-in-law, and dad to let them all know they needed to try and visit me at the hospital that night just in case I didn’t recover.
My dad and step mum were the last ones to arrive and the hospital staff told them I had too many visitors and they couldn’t also come up, they did not tell us this at first and left. I called the next day once I was in recovery and my step mum cried down the phone at me, saying how hard that was for them and asked if they could come up this day which I said I was only allowed 2 visitors from now because that is what I was told, but this includes my husband, she said I can make it work.
When I come home from the hospital they come to meet my baby. A week later they ask if my brothers can meet him, which is fine but at that time we weren’t letting anyone hold him because he wasn’t well.
She KICKED OFF, and we argued because it was apparently unfair that they couldn’t hold my baby and didn’t end up coming to see him at all. She apologized the next day on my birthday.
A couple of weeks later I had a pre-booked trip away and my MIL looked after the baby (my and my MIL are very close and she is lovely) and my step mum sent her a text saying it was unfair she got to look after the baby and that my dad and she were being left out.
She’s changed her profile picture to just a photo of my baby. I don’t know if I am overreacting but it is just all getting too much like she wants to always have the exact same or more amount of time with him than my mum and MIL.
I asked her to step back a little bit and told her she was being over the top, this really upset her and I feel really bad, but my husband told me that I was right.
AITJ? Did I overreact?
EDIT: I have spoken to my dad about this, he knows we aren’t leaving them out and he said he is going to speak to her. ‘Trip’ was probably a bad word to use.
I was gone for 1 day from early morning to late afternoon/evening time. My husband was home and was going to look after the baby but my MIL offered to have the baby so my husband could get some sleep, I told him it was up to him if he was going to accept her offer as I didn’t mind.
Both my dad and step mum have since seen the baby and myself and we have made arrangements for them to see both him and us since this happened.
And lastly, my husband didn’t know about the limit the hospital set for how many people were allowed to come as no one had communicated this to him.
Where this all happened so fast with the birth it was very hard to get anyone to tell him what was happening as I was being rushed to emergency surgery.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – people get a little wild about babies and can’t seem to stop pressuring parents to see and touch the newborn kiddo.
A lot of new parents are not comfortable with handling the baby themselves yet so they need space to get adjusted to their new normal before the family comes out of the woodwork.
This being a grandparent I can see why they just want to help but if you are getting overwhelmed you have every right to tell them all to step back.
It’s great that the kiddo has so much love around them but the new momma needs to recover and bond with the baby so the step-grandma should sit back and wait for instructions. Just make sure you include her once you are ready.
Sounds like she’s just excited to be a grandma to your little one. Hopefully, she settles down once she gets in some quality time with the baby and is part of the rotating babysitting schedule with the other grandparents.
If stepmom doesn’t settle down maybe see if your dad can step in and explain things to her.” Sweetsmyle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Something about babies makes people insane. I think your stepmom is overreacting.
Obviously, she wants to be close to your baby. But she has time. People often seem to forget how exhausting giving birth is. And the number of people who want to visit can be intense.
I don’t have children but I’ve seen it happen with family a lot. Maybe let your Stepmom know that you have no intention of cutting her out of your life but you just need time.
Set up a date in the future maybe, to reassure her.” Low_Engineering8921
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your baby, your rules. And she may have been in your life since you were a kid, but that doesn’t mean that you share the same bond with her as you do with your mother.
And fortunately, you and your MIL are close. Honestly, NO ONE has the right to expect anything from a new mother when it comes to their baby. As for the hospital, they made the rules, not you or your husband.
And holding your newborn baby; that’s up to you. Especially when the baby hasn’t had their shots, and they are vulnerable to many illnesses when they’re so new.
IF you think your step mum deserves any type of pacification, I would point out that you chose your MIL to look after the baby.
Not your mum. If you were really playing favorites, would a new mum have her mum look after the baby? If it was really a competition, wouldn’t she be more concerned about your mother/your dad’s ex?
Safe to say your step mum is a bit unhinged. NTJ, you have enough on your plate to be losing sleep over her.” User
5. AITJ For Being Mad When I Didn't Get My Way For My Wedding?
“My (24F) parents bought me a Jewelry set worth 2300 USD for my wedding Reception which was 2 days ago.
I am their only child so they have spent years designing this for my big day. In my culture, it is a tradition that both the husband and parents gift jewelry to the bride on the ceremonial stage.
My fiancé (Brad 29M) is gifting me a necklace worth 180 USD, it’s smaller but it is more practical which is why he selected this for me. The gifts do not reflect anything, just whatever they want to give.
Last week, Brad, I, and our parents met up to discuss the order of events and we also showed each other the Jewelry. MIL asked me at what point will we be handing the set over to them, and I was confused and said that my mom will be putting it on me on that day so I was confused by what she meant.
She said okay and left it at that.
The problem came when we had our rehearsal dinner and were going through our checklist. When it came to the jewelry, MIL piped up and said that Brad should put both sets on.
I told her that since it was my parents’ gift, they should put it on after Brad’s. She said that the girls from their family had both sets put on regardless. By now, MIL’s sisters were also getting involved. So I asked her why she didn’t say anything last week.
Since the argument was going nowhere, my Uncle said: ‘Okay, fine, if they feel it’s important to them let them have it, and let’s move on to the next item.’ We moved on but everything felt so awkward.
I was also quiet and not really taking part in the discussion.
My MIL and I have a good relationship so I was confused why things happened the way they did. I was nervous and tired from all the planning and everyone from my side was not happy but kept it to themselves.
I was also big-time ANNOYED at Brad for keeping quiet. He is paying all of the expenses from his side, while I am paying mine with some help from mom and dad. So his speaking up would have made a big difference.
I also felt ambushed and like the whole thing was planned and how unfair it all turned out.
I was exhausted and mad, and Brad called me later that night and asked me why I couldn’t just agree to avoid drama and stress and why I was quiet after the discussion.
I asked him, was he even there? He then told me that they are who they are and it is just not even a minute of the entire wedding to let them have it so we can focus on what is really important.
That the cold shoulder was unnecessary. His cousins also agreed with this. Now that the wedding is over (it was beautiful except for the necklace part) and I have had time to think about it was I a jerk about the whole necklace mess?
Also if you are wondering, my mom ‘conveniently’ forgot to give it prior to the ceremony and gave it to MIL on the stage. She just told me as I didn’t even notice during the wedding.
I still wish it was my parents who did put it on for me.
Update: My husband and I discussed why he never stood up for me. I told him my confidence in him has reduced a lot since.
He broke down and said that his cousin who was supposed to come for the wedding was ambushed by his aunts and told not to attend (he married outside our faith against family wishes) and there was a huge argument amongst them prior to the rehearsal dinner.
And he thinks his family put their anger into this necklace situation. I was appalled since I didn’t even notice they were missing but I said I understood but doesn’t mean that he needs to not stick up for me on something that was important to me and I asked if he will maintain this energy when it comes to everything else in our marriage.
He said no and promised and cried. I understood that he was upset but won’t forget how I was treated. Will see what happens.
I got my wedding video edited and finalized and it shows my mom showing her gift in our dressing room AND giving it to MIL.
So I made sure they made the final cut. My mom has been a rock and cunningly smart. She also told me that arguing during that dinner wasn’t going to help to know what the in-law aunts are like.
So she decided with my dad to discuss with the photographer and change a few things… I was SO SO happy. They spent years on the design and savings so they knew it won’t go to waste.
I am 100% sure MIL was influenced by her sisters – people I openly and genuinely do not interact with for reasons like prejudice and archaic beliefs. I am going to spend my time and effort to change her thinking and distance her from their mindset.
She is a good person at heart and I believe just needs more positivity.
The necklace belongs to me and I am supposed to wear it when there are other functions or ceremonies showing I am married. Hence why it was so important to me that my parents give me it.
I can wear that or my husband’s. I choose to wear both since I love them both equally.
The in-laws wanted it to seem like the necklace was gifted to me by them. My mom had the last laugh!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. ‘Why don’t you just go along with what my mother wants so she can take attention at our wedding and also show that she has the power to change up our wedding plans?
Why should I be putting you first when I’m marrying you when instead I could make both surf to my mother?’
I wish you had stood up for yourself and actually had your parents do it for you, but I think you should immediately go to marital counseling and determine whether or not you want to get an annulment from a man who is accusing you of causing drama when his mother went after you to butt in on a moment between you and your parents and make herself a centerpiece at your wedding as well as in control of wedding planning.
How far are you willing to bend before your mother-in-law snaps you?” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“This whole jewelry giving+putting on sounds very similar to our culture (I’m from South Asia). Their wanting to put it on you demonstrates that a) they kinda, without outright lying, wanted to imply to guests that they had given that to you, and b) they get to decide things, not you.
This kind of behavior, setting up a dynamic so that everyone is clear that the groom’s side is the one with the power is also pretty common. Your mom is awesome in her boss move of ‘acceding’ to your MIL’s ‘request’ but not letting her have the win; if she handed it over on the stage, everyone knows clearly which family that particular gift to the bride came from.
You’re NTJ and your mother is boss of bosses.” TimisAllia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Don’t cave to just keep the peace… especially when it’s important to you.
If it wasn’t a big deal then they should have just as easily done what you wanted.
And props to your mom for making it clear this was the set they are giving you.
You need to have a serious conversation with your husband about MIL overstepping and how you two will deal with future problems/conflicts (and yes there will be more).” Help24-7
4. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be Part Of My Stepmom's Family Tradition?
“So my stepmother has this tradition her family does regarding weddings where all the sisters wear the same piece from a family member’s wedding outfit. Typically it’s something from your mother or grandmother’s wedding. My stepmother and all her sisters wore their mother’s veil.
Stepmother’s nieces by her older sister all wore their mother’s wedding pearls. You get the picture.
I’m engaged. My stepmother sat me, my stepsister, and my half-sister down to discuss what our item would be.
I told her I was planning to wear something of my mom’s, and that would be all the extras I would go with. She told me it was an important tradition to continue. I told her it was nice of her to think of me but it wasn’t my tradition.
She then said the simple answer would be to let them wear the necklace when their wedding days come around. They thought that was a great idea and said if it was the piece they were thinking it was, it was the most beautiful thing ever and they’d love to wear it.
I said that wasn’t going to happen. That it was a piece of my mom I could have during my wedding since I can’t have her.
My not wanting to do this tradition has caused some arguing.
My step and half-sister were upset I wouldn’t do it with them. My stepmother is upset that I don’t want to embrace a tradition from her family. The tradition has no interest to me at all.
And I would never share something of my mom’s with my step or half-sister.
My dad tried to talk me into it. He told me it would mean so much and that would I not like to finally feel like they are just my mom and sisters instead of having step and half in front of their titles.
I told him no. That I have a mom. And her being dead doesn’t change that or mean I need to see someone else as my mom too. My stepmother told me she has always tried to make me a true part of her family, a true daughter, and I’m a jerk for rejecting that as an adult when it doesn’t just hurt her, but my ‘sisters’ as well.
AITJ for not wanting to do this/turning it down?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s trying to enforce her traditions on you and when you didn’t bite, she wants you to ‘share’ something of your mother’s with her children.
Hubris! They don’t have any connection with your mother and are only interested because of the aesthetics and value. They all suck. The real jerk here is your father, who needs to grow a spine and stand up for you regarding your day.
It’s not about her or her children, or their traditions, it’s about you having your day in your way and having your mother honored in your way without them imposing. The absolute and utter gall!” unionmom4
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it doesn’t sound like she came to you and asked: ‘Hey sweetie, we were just discussing our family tradition, and we wanted to see if you would like to be included since we love you so much and think of you as family… here’s what we were thinking…’
She started the conversation with an expectation that you were doing it. When you said you weren’t going to wear something of hers or her mom’s, she was so sold on her expectation that she tried to compromise ‘well, you’re right to want to represent your mom, why don’t we do that instead’.
But the expectations were flawed, and by continuing to repeatedly double down on this faulty expectation, she’s causing more drama than needed over you not wanting to be part of a tradition you don’t want to be part of, whether or not you are family.
The tradition sounds like it started as a parent offering to loan something to daughters all as something borrowed, and the daughters all accepted. And it turned from an offer/acceptance to a demand/obedience.” elvaholt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She’s got good intentions – I think it’s great that she’s offering you a part in her tradition, honestly. But that doesn’t mean you’re obliged to take that offer. Her approach is very manipulative and I can see why you’re pulling away from it, and it’s not good that your dad is taking sides and not supporting you in having your own feelings/identity.
If you want to make peace, you might reconsider wearing something of hers that your step/half-sisters could also wear (no idea what), but you should not do it as an obligation.
As to your mother’s necklace that’s definitely something you should keep just for you, it’s obviously got a strong emotional value.” JsCTmav
Naturally, it is YOUR decision, just offering another view of the situation from the outside.
Kudos to you for standing up for yourself, either way. So many people are afraid to do that.
3. AITJ For Only Cooking Meals That I Like?
“I (F23) have been living with my partner (M29) for a little over a year now.
Things are great. I just have one minor problem.
When we first moved in together food responsibilities were split between us. We’d discuss meals that we both wanted and both of us would cook.
Separate days though. If we didn’t feel like cooking, we’d order out.
Now, I’ve been out of work for about 4 months now due to being laid off. Just haven’t been able to find anything else & he thinks of this as him being 100% free from cooking/chores.
It bothers me but not too much as I am home the majority of the day with free time. (Besides job hunting).
Every single day it’s a battle of asking him what he wants to eat & he always says ‘I don’t care, I don’t know, whatever you want, doesn’t matter.’ Then I’ll make something that I know he’ll eat but may not necessarily like.
I didn’t do this initially to be spiteful, I’d just genuinely wanted the meal. Yesterday, he complained to me that I never make meals that he really loves anymore. (I do). I don’t as often because he likes extravagant meals and it’s very time-consuming.
Now, I just find myself making foods that I 100% love & he may not like but I’m just not caring anymore because he leaves the food shopping & cooking all to me and then blows me off when I ask for his input.
I know this isn’t a big deal but it’s starting to bother me when he complains. So, AITJ?
Update: I got a dry-erase board and markers and made a weekly dinner plan & posted it on the fridge.
I wrote down two days in the month that I’d be willing to make extravagant meals. I told him he could edit it as he pleases & he got really excited about it and said this will work for him.
So, we shall see.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – yes, I do feel that while you are at home most of the day while he is working then cooking and routine cleaning should fall on you.
That being said you aren’t a mind reader so if he can’t at least come up with a few ideas that he wants then he doesn’t get to be picky after the fact. It can be as simple as figuring out Saturday or Sunday a handful of meals for the week.
This way shopping is easier as you know exactly what you need and he can have the food he wants because you aren’t having to guess.” gata59
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You just said you 100% make meals you like and don’t even care what he likes.
If you don’t have a job, is he paying for all the groceries and rent and then coming home to a meal you made for yourself? If you’re buying groceries and paying your share, then whatever.
I think you guys need to find a middle ground. It’s the fact that you’re not thinking about what he likes, and just caring about you. Ask him about some more simple meals he likes that are easier to prepare.
Also, in my opinion, and given what we know, 4 months is too long without a job when there’s a national employee shortage, he’s probably getting irritated with that.” Equivalent_Issue_686
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Welcome to adulthood. This is now your life… every day will be the same. And it sucks. I have two suggestions, the first is I cook, you eat, or starve. If you are too kind-hearted for that try the system I initially started for my children but ended up working better for my husband.
On a blank calendar page write all the meals for a week, fortnight, month, or whatever suits you best. Include meals you both enjoy. Once written it doesn’t change. This eliminates the infernal question about what to eat and makes shopping easier.
Even if you don’t really feel like the meal for that night at least you don’t have to think. Oh and lastly, regardless of your work status, if you cook he washes up and puts the dishes away.
You are not his maid. Good luck with the job search.” SnooRecipes7968
2. AITJ For Telling My Fiancé To Stop Giving Money To His Family?
“My fiancé and I have been together for nearly 6 years and have been engaged for 1 year now.
He’s working full time and he’s making good money while I’m still in college. For context, our ages are 24f&25m.
Due to the fact that I’m in college, I’m only working part-time and I don’t make enough money yet to be able to move out, but in January I’ll start a new job related to the field I’m studying and my salary will increase a lot so both I and my fiancé will be financially comfortable to move out on our own.
The problem with that is that my fiancé was always a doormat to his family. He kept being a doormat for years to keep the peace. He knows his family is financially taking advantage of him.
He hates it but does nothing to stop it because he doesn’t want conflict. I tried to be understanding at first but this arrangement and their taking advantage of him will cause a lot of issues with our plans as well.
His family feels entitled to have access to all his bank accounts and they get extremely controlling over where he will spend his money. Anytime he makes a purchase for himself, goes out with me or friends, etc, his parents and siblings will throw a tantrum about how he cares more about his own fun than supporting his family.
For the record, my fiancé contributes the most to his household and ends up with zero dollars because his family feels entitled to his funds.
For the past three months every time he goes out with me, his mom calls him throughout our dates and yells at him, ruining our mood.
When he announced that after January he’ll move out to live with me after I get my full-time job, his family threw a tantrum about how he’s prioritizing me over them and how dare he leave them and move out.
I’ve been mentally exhausted by all this and I gathered his friends and we had an intervention for him and how she should put an end to this. I told him I don’t have an issue with him contributing his own part of the finances on his household but I draw the line on spending every single penny on them and not budgeting for our own plans and future.
His friends also know firsthand how his family is and he needed that wake-up call.
Since then he’s been defending himself more, changed all passwords on his bank accounts, etc, and doesn’t give them money unless it’s for his part of the deal or absolute necessities.
They don’t like that at all and they’ve been taking it out on me about how I negatively influenced him against his family.
While his friends are on our side, when I told my family they called me manipulative and a jerk and what a horrible person I am for turning my fiancé against his family.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but this isn’t taking advantage of someone, it’s wrong. Both financial and emotional. If he has a support network capable of holding an intervention, then you should see if anyone can help him move out as soon as possible.
The fact that his siblings are following the parents’ lead shows that these behaviors are deeply ingrained in his family.
Even if he has started standing up to them the best thing he can do is leave this toxic situation.
It’s going to take him a long time to accept what has been done to him, and that process can’t truly start until he is away from his family and not constantly exposed to that awful treatment.
This honestly sounds like a miniature cult. They are demanding complete control of his time, privacy, relationships, and material possessions. You don’t just stick around in a cult and learn to say no to their demands.” Hudwig_Von_Muscles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re defending your SO’s health and well-being by encouraging them to distance themselves from the negative influence their family has on them. You’re also helping your SO build their self-confidence and self-worth by encouraging them to stand up for themselves more.
That’s a totally reasonable thing to do. Not every family has a 100% healthy relationship with every member. Based on the information provided, it definitely seems like your SO has an unhealthy relationship with their family and the family has been taking advantage of your SO as a result.
It may not always feel like the most decent thing for you and/or your SO to do to his family in the short term, but in the long term, it will be for the best. I applaud you for not giving your SO any ultimatums and for expressing both that it is your SO’s decision whether or not to continue supporting their family (within reason), and that you will support that decision no matter what they choose to do (because at the end of the day there is nothing inherently bad about wanting to help one’s family, but it should never come at the expense of one’s own health).
That being said, it can be a dangerously slippery slope between good-intentioned support and malicious manipulation (especially when relationships start to break down and get messy). So long as the support you give your SO comes from and continues to come from a place of concern for their wellbeing, you’re in the clear.
As soon as it seems like your actions are even remotely being motivated by some other factor (like jealousy, greed, anger, revenge, etc.) that’s when you’ll need to ‘pump the brakes’ so to speak, and seriously reevaluate if what you are doing is still healthy for you, your SO, and your respective relationships with those around you.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but are you sure you still want to marry this person? He’s not going to change and it’s only going to get worse once married if your finances get mixed.
100% you need a prenup that protects you and you need to keep your finances separate. You cannot trust that he will not give them money. Maybe in the future but definitely not for at least several years.
You need to think long and hard about what you want for your future. The type of person you want to be with. Because once married he should be putting you, and his family first. Especially if you have children.
But if he is going to keep being manipulated by his family to give them money then you should just cut your losses now.
His family never should’ve had access to any of his money in the first place.
I really hope these boundaries hold up but I do not think you should get married anytime soon until you know you can trust him
Maybe he needs to see these comments and talk to some of the people in them because I get that it’s hard to cut toxic people out especially when they have been doing this to him his entire life but he owes them nothing.
Parents choose to have children it is their responsibility to take care of them. His siblings are not his responsibility and never will be. It’s literally insane that they even complain about what he does with his own money.
He should not be giving them anything at all no matter what. I don’t care what they need it for he owes them nothing after everything they have done to him. Is he in therapy?
He should be. His family is extremely abusive and toxic and manipulative.” rainbow_mak3r
1. AITJ For Waking Up My Partner To Surprise Him?
“My partner (M30) and I (F33) celebrate our 4th anniversary this month. As the official day falls on a weekday, we decided that we would do something on the weekend.
As we both work from home and we don’t live together, I wanted to surprise him on the morning of the official date and bring him a little breakfast, a plant (he loves plants), and a box of chocolate.
I arrived at his place at around 9, knocked on the door and he took a little while to open so I assumed he was still asleep. He opened the door with a frown on his face, so I immediately apologized for waking him up and told him I just brought a few gifts for him for our 4th anniversary.
He just said ‘okay’, visibly very upset, and walked away to his bedroom, letting me stand here with my gifts in hand.
I was kind of shocked that he reacted this way, so I put the things I bought him on the kitchen table and was about to leave, but then I heard some noise in his bedroom and he got back with his pants on.
I thought he was going to hug me or something but he proceeded to feed his cat and go to the bathroom, while I was waiting by the door.
I was sad about his reaction and started to cry because I was only expecting a little joy from him.
He exhaled and told me ‘what?’, I responded that I was sad that he seemed annoyed by my presence and that I hoped that it would at least make him a little happy that I brought him something for our anniversary.
He told me sarcastically that he was sorry that he didn’t meet my expectations and that I can’t expect him to be happy to see me because I woke him up and he didn’t sleep well.
To be honest, I was not expecting a big celebration from him or even a gift on his part. All I wanted was a hug, a kiss, and a thank you (the bare minimum) which didn’t happen.
We didn’t even get to have a nice breakfast together, because I was in such a bad mood after that, so I left his place.
So, AITJ for waking him up to surprise him?
EDIT: His sleep schedule: he wakes up when he wants as he’s a freelancer. He has in fact a history of insomnia which he’s currently working on. The days prior to my visit, he told me that he had a regular sleep cycle again and would wake up around 8 or 9.
Which is why I didn’t consider 9 to be too early at the time. But I didn’t mention that my first intention was to put the presents in his mailbox and text him. I got super excited to see his reaction given the context and everything.
But I admit that I should have thought about that harder. I don’t usually show up to his place like that, I guess I thought it would be sweet.
Does he usually like surprises: yes.
Keys to his place: I used to have them, but he asked for them back after having his cat that he got after his grandmother went to a retirement home. His mom comes and takes care of the cat when he’s not home, so that’s why I don’t have them anymore.
People seem concerned and think it’s weird he didn’t make another copy, but I don’t see it that way. We didn’t think about it and I don’t see it as a red flag.
As for the update, we talked about it and both agreed that we were a little bit jerk.
I apologized for waking him up after a bad night and getting upset at his reaction, he apologized for making me feel rejected, said that it would have been different if he had slept well and that he was touched by the gesture.”
Another User Comments:
“Slight YTJ – A surprise visit isn’t fun, especially in the morning. Being woken up isn’t fun when you’re not expecting it.
Sleeping is a luxury nowadays, especially if you didn’t sleep well or have any kind of sleep problems (but you wouldn’t have known that).
Next time if you want to surprise him, then do it later on in the day. 11 am or 12 pm is a good time… or even later (a surprise lunch is nice, and bf would have had time to wake up and get the morning chores out of the way at his own pace).
I just imagine your face lit up like a ray of sunshine when your bf opened the door, and then the dark clouds and rain loomed over you as you took in his reaction – you’re so cute.
Bless you.
Your partner does owe you an apology though for not at least giving you a kiss.
P.S. I’m also not a morning person, and I REFUSE to be happy even if you woke me up to a scrumptious 5-course meal and covered me in puppies.” outstanding_move_ko
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are in a long-term relationship, 4 -years is the very long term these days, and not living together, don’t have keys to the other’s place, and he is aggravated to see you when you come over with gifts on an anniversary.
He also works from home, it is a weekday. Why wasn’t he already up and working at 9 AM?
I don’t know how many red flags you need to see, but you are the proverbial ‘fish on a hook,’ and he has no plans to reel you in anytime soon.” Ayste
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
He hadn’t slept well, you woke him up, and you are put off he fed the cat and went to the bathroom. He was probably half awake and working on autopilot to wake up and put on his game face for you… and you cry.
It’s been four years. You obviously don’t have a key, you don’t know him enough that a morning surprise is probably not the best idea, and you are ‘shocked, sad, and cried’ because he wasn’t doing cartwheels over this.
I had to recheck your ages, you sound like a teenager.
You two might need to rethink this relationship.” dart1126
