People Trust Us To Tell Our Opinion About Their "Am I The Jerk?" Story
14. AITJ For Telling My Sister That Her Infertility Is Not My Issue?
You can’t blame anyone for a situation like this.
“I (28f) am a single mom of 3 kids. I met my daughter when I was 22 volunteering in a mentor program.
Her bio mom asked that I take her in for a while when she was having a hard time so I agreed to become her foster parent. Then two yrs ago we got the paperwork together for me to become her official guardian (I plan to adopt when kiddo is old enough to tell me that’s what she wants).
Last year I got a phone call from my daughter’s caseworker, informing me that her bio mom had another child and she wanted him to be placed with his sister, so I took him in too.
I didn’t plan on having any other children, but I met someone (it didn’t last) and the long story short is that I have a first grader, a toddler, and I’m 25 weeks.
My sister Bri (34f) always loved hanging with my kids whenever she had spare time. She’s been struggling with infertility since she and her husband started trying for a baby 8 years ago, and I can tell how badly she wants to be a mom.
I really do hope that someday it does happen for her because it’s all she’s ever wanted. Since I announced my pregnancy though, Bri has been kind of distant. I thought that maybe it was just life stuff or I was being overly emotional due to hormones, so I didn’t really press her on it or anything and went about things as usual.
Our mom invited us all to dinner the other night, so I got my kiddos settled with a sitter and drove to my mom’s place. Dinner went mostly fine but Bri kept giving me looks every time someone brought up the pregnancy and towards the end of the night she asked why I even adopted two children if I clearly had no trouble making a baby of my own.
I told her that when I started fostering my oldest, it was just to give her a safe place to live until her mom could get things sorted. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen, and now her brother is with me too.
I love my children and I’m happy to be their mom, but it wasn’t my intention, in the beginning, to adopt via foster care. I wanted their bio mom to work things out, and my heart genuinely hurts for her because she wasn’t able to do that.
Bri then said that it feels like I’m rubbing my kids in her face. She told me that it isn’t fair that I basically “had two kids fall into my lap” and then “decided to be reckless and get knocked up too” all while she’s been trying for years to have a child with no luck.
She said it’s cruel and unfair that I “took” two babies from the system that could’ve gone to parents who deserved them, all while being able to easily have one on my own.
I ended up telling her that while it sucks, it’s not my fault that some people want kids and can’t have them and that her infertility baggage isn’t really my issue.
Our mother asked me to leave and the next day called me to tell me that I was being unnecessarily cruel to my sister when I know what she’s been going through.
Now I don’t know if what I said was out of line.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but your sister and mom both are. It’s unfortunate that your sister has not had any success in having children, but you certainly have no control over that.
Her remark about you taking 2 children out of the system is ludicrous – did she even ask if she could foster your daughter when you first brought her home? No? Did she apply to be a foster parent or adopt a child since you brought your daughter home?
It doesn’t sound like she’s made any effort to do so.
Your sister is understandably upset with her situation, but that doesn’t give her the right to chastise you for opening your home to two children or being able to get pregnant.
She absolutely was dumping her baggage on you, and you were right to refuse to take the insults and her baggage. Your mom is understandably sympathetic to your sister’s infertility, but it’s unreasonable for her to expect you to refrain from giving someone back what they throw at you.” SirMittensOfTheHill
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve done a good thing by opening your home to your oldest two children and it’s clear you see them as just that: your children. I don’t think you’ll treat them any differently than the child you’re gestating.
But choosing to adopt – even if it were something you had pursued as opposed to the situation you ended up in – does not mean you are surrendering your right to choose if, and how to, continue to grow your family.
Adopting a child doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to have a biological child, just as having given birth first doesn’t bar someone from adopting later.
I understand why it might be difficult for your sister, and you did the right thing by allowing her to step away, even if it was hurtful or confusing to you and your children if your pregnancy was emotionally difficult for her after so many years of infertility.
You are being the supportive sister by not updating her at every turn and making her deal with your pregnancy all the time… but does she expect you to disappear? To never mention your pregnancy?
To not answer questions at a family dinner because it might hurt her? To pretend the child doesn’t exist once they are born? It’s one thing to allow someone you love time to process their emotions; it’s another animal altogether to give up your own existence for them.
Hard, hard NTJ… and your family is not helping your sister by acting like she’s behaving in any kind of rational or supportive way.” PembrokeLove
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. That was unnecessarily cruel. You obviously see what your sister is going through and have no problem pouring salt in the wound.
People say things they don’t mean all the time when they’re in a lot of pain, and I would expect a sister of all people to be understanding about that.” Luckyzzzz
Another User Comments:
“You’ve not the cruel one here. Your sister basically said to send the kids back to the over-crowded, under-funded system because you’ve already a selfish person for adopting kids when you can just make them easily.
I get where she’s coming from. She’s emotional and jealous that you have what she can’t but it gives her no right to make those comments. You were not cruel. You didn’t mock her infertility or rub anything in her face.
You were honest about her complaints and how they really are her issue and her baggage and not your problem.
Keep an eye on your mother. She may start treating natural born more favorably than your foster/adopted kids.
She sided with your sister so at some level she believes you shouldn’t have fostered and would’ve preferred you had kids the natural way.
NTJ.” randomwriter90
13. AITJ For Calling My Mother-In-Law A False Prophet?
“My mother-in-law and I do not get along. She’s the classic “Good Christian Martyr,” taking every opportunity to point out all the sacrifices she’s made throughout her life, much to her own detriment, especially for her children.
She also enjoys passive-aggressively insulting me, every chance she gets.
One of her favorite things to do is quote Bible verses. The only problem is, she makes them up to suit her needs!
Yesterday evening, my SIL (who is single) and I were talking about how hot the new weatherman on our local news station is.
I said something like, “Man, I’d like to see him shirtless at the beach on a hot summer day!” My SIL agreed enthusiastically.
I should have known better. My MIL’s face transformed instantly into an expression of utter disdain.
The ambiance of the room changed so much that it was almost palpable. She looked at me and said piously, “You know, dear, thou shalt not avert thine eyes from thine husband. That’s Proverbs 36:3, you know.”
I have known for years that she was full of frankincense, but I wasn’t knowledgeable enough about the Bible to call her on it. So, I excused myself to the restroom and looked it up.
Sure enough, not only was she completely wrong, I found out there are only 33 chapters in Proverbs!
I went back to the living room, sat down, and asked her politely, “Mother dear, I was thinking about what you just said.
I’d like to cross-stitch that verse onto a pillow and keep it in my living room. You know, just to remind me and make doubly sure I never go astray. Could you quote it again, along with the chapter and verse?”
Just then, she busted out her second round of theatrics-feigning a heart attack. Along with the Bible verses, this is one of her staples. As usual, everyone rushed to her side. By the time she “recovered,” everyone had forgotten about it (just as she planned).
I decided to drop it.
When we got home, my husband crucified me. He said he knew what I was doing, and that I had intentionally upset her. He insisted that I was the cause of her “heart incident” and that it could have killed her.
He said that since she was getting older, I should just******* up and put up with her behavior.
AITJ for calling her out as a false prophet? If she had died, would she have come back to haunt me, three days later?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and I’d assume she was smart enough to take that as a warning. Next time, I’d whip out the smartphone and check on the spot. When it’s nonsense (again!), I’d read the actual verse out and say, “Gosh, that’s odd.
Which translation do you use?” (If she’s dumb enough to name one, I’d read it out in that version.)
Seriously, though, write/record her fake verses with dates, for posterity, along with the actual referenced verse or a notation that it does not exist. I’m mean enough to keep a copy on me at all times, to use in rebuttal when someone admires how well she knows her bible.” maddiep81
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You ABSOLUTELY KNEW that your comment would get your seemingly pious MIL riled up and you completely reveled in your “takedown” of your MIL, the woman who gave birth to your husband.
There are 6 things God hates, and 7 things that are an abomination to Him. Among those are a lying tongue and a false witness. However, those things also include a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are swift to run into mischief, and anyone who deliberately sows discord among his/her brethren.
Proverbs 6: 16-19.
Both of you need Jesus. Your husband was defending his mother. A knee-jerk reaction that any of us who love our mothers would do… even if she is being ridiculous. It is not ok to deliberately set out to cause your MIL to lose face.
Children are to honor their parents. That isn’t talking about age, that is talking about each and every one of us showing respect to our parents, not because they always deserve it, some parents don’t, but because God says to do it.
It is just as important as Jesus teaching us to love our enemies and bless those who persecute us because of our belief in Jesus. She is a drama queen spouting lies about what Scripture states.
You devised a scheme to deliberately shame, embarrass and humiliate her. Neither of you is acting like loving adults. Both of you can do better. So ESH.” Potential-Cobbler-86
Another User Comments:
“As a Christian myself, you are absolutely justified in your actions and I’d actually be quite offended by her actions.
In making up bible verses and treating others in utter contempt to fulfill her sense of Christian self-righteousness, she is massively disrespecting an entire faith system.
Your husband is a jerk for having a go at you too and you need to make it clear that he is to apologize to you as well.
NTJ.” HattieTheSwann
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your MIL is a manipulative narcissist. Her family (including her son) is probably brainwashed to believe her no matter what happens. Don’t entirely blame your husband. I used to be that husband and it is EXTREMELY difficult to understand what’s going on is wrong.
He has probably been emotionally mistreated his entire life and just cannot comprehend what his mother is doing is wrong. It took me YEARS to understand my wife’s side of things…and I still don’t understand fully what my mother has done to her.
My mom covers ALL of her manipulativeness with niceness and the “Bible”. It’s extremely tough for a son to understand what’s going on with this.
I’m sorry you have to go through this.” NoahGH
12. AITJ For Not Making My Kids Call My New Wife "Mom"?
“I have two children with my late wife. We had our oldest when we were just 20 and 6 years later we had our youngest. Three months after the birth of our youngest my wife died suddenly and unexpectedly.
I found out after her passing that she’d had a heart condition that she was never made aware of. I was told to get both my kids tested and both inherited the condition from their mom.
That period of my life was traumatic as heck. Luckily, I had so many videos and photos of their mom to share. We also had her dad who was amazing and the best grandpa to the kids.
My son remembered his mom. My daughter was too young. But she’s heard so much about her mom from her family.
Two years ago, I started seriously seeing my current wife. I have known her for four years and she met my kids once we got more serious but not where we rushed into moving in.
The kids are now 7 and 13. We’ve been married for a little over 5 months.
We had talked about her relationship with the kids before we got engaged. She told me she wanted to be seen as another mom to them.
I spoke to my kids. My son was clear that she would never be his second mom. My daughter said she wasn’t sure but she didn’t feel that way about her. I told them both their feelings were 100% understandable and fine.
They both said they liked my current wife and they thought she was kind. I spoke to her about it then and she told me she was fine if they weren’t okay with it at that time.
I told her she needed to be okay with it if they always felt that way. I told her she needed to be prepared to always be a step to both of them. She took some time to think and said it was fine.
But once our wedding happened she seemed to grow agitated by the lack of a mom title from my daughter. I think it bothers her less with my son because of his age, but she has told me she does feel different about it with my daughter because she is the only mom figure she has known.
I suggested the two of us go to therapy together to talk it out again. She said it wasn’t needed. That she would get over it.
But then last week she and her parents brought it up to me, how I should encourage my daughter to call her mom and how my daughter deserves to have a mom in this life, how she’ll never know her “birth mother” (which I hate that term for my late wife).
They told me pushing her is the best thing for my daughter. I told them I would never push her to do it. That her comfort in all of this is important to me and feeling like nothing is forced on her.
They told me I was putting my kids’ feelings before my wife’s. I said yes. They told me I was a crappy husband and a crappy father for denying them both this. My wife’s mother said I was a jerk to string her daughter along.
I told my wife we need therapy. I also told her our marriage was hanging on by a thread. In truth, I am doubting our marriage over this.
The kids do like her a lot and enjoy having her around which makes this suck extra hard.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wife should not be forcing this. She is NOT a mother. She is putting herself and her feelings first. Your children are allowed to call both of you whatever they wish.
Part of being a parent, and a mother, is honoring your children and placing them above you IMO. Your children should come first, as they are children. Adults have agency but children don’t, that’s why they have to come first. You are placing them first and I deeply respect that of you.
You’re a good father. If she is mad they don’t see her as a Mom then she should start to act like one – then she may deserve the title.
My mom forced me to call my stepfather “dad” and I never felt or believed he was my “dad.” The title didn’t change my feelings inside but I did feel let down by my mom forcing/guilting me to call him Dad.
It was part of a pattern of his feelings being more important than us kids.
I no longer speak to my “dad” since they divorced. The way my childhood went down had more involved but the pattern of my Mom putting men first has left deep scars in our relationship that still last.” SnooMacaroons9965
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your kids had AND have a mother and she is still present in their life, she always will be. You’re doing what a father should do, putting the children first. Even if you forced the issue in a big way, they could still call her Mom but they wouldn’t mean it, it would be superficial. I’m sure she’s wonderful and they see her as another Mom, you can have a happy family without using that name.
I was raised by my mother and my stepfather (the best dad in the world) he married my mother when I was 3 years old. I never called him Dad, I called him by his first name.
And that was OK! He was my Dad in everything but name and he was totally fine with it – he was wonderful, he knew I was his daughter and I knew him as my Dad, we just didn’t need the label.
I changed my surname to his when he was very ill almost 3 years ago – that was my choice and it made him happy before he passed. We used to laugh about it, if I ever called him Dad, he’d laugh and say “oh wow she’s playing the Dad card, how much is this going to cost me or how much trouble are you in?” He was awesome and I loved him very much.
My Stepdad’s mother tried to insist I call him Dad in front of their side of the family (she said out of respect) when I was very young, and he shut that down quickly, it’s the only time I’ve ever seen someone stand up to her that way and not back down, and she never brought it up again.
My point is, we didn’t need it and your kids don’t need it either – your family members’ opinion doesn’t matter at all, it’s irrelevant.
Your kids can have a great relationship with her without using that name.
You can’t force this. You’re doing it right and it’s wonderful that you’re doing the right thing and putting your children’s feelings first. Absolutely NTJ.” SabrinaSpellman1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Here are the words of a stepmother who raised her children.
They are my children. I raised them. I love them. I call them my children, the world outside, and my work only know them as my kids (seeing the surprise on their faces how they don’t resemble me in our family pictures never gets old).
My parents love having additional grandchildren. I’m going to be a grandmother soon.
If people ask I say they are from my husband’s first marriage.
I am not their mother. I am their stepmother.
I will never take that honor from the woman who gave birth to them no matter how crappy a job she does.
I’ll be everything a mother does, I do it with love. They see me as a mom, they call me by my name.
It was a hard road getting there – I didn’t push for them to see me as a mom. It had to develop at their pace.
Your wife is wrong. You can’t force it.
It will do the opposite and she’ll lose her family and her husband over it.” Notdoingitanymore
11. AITJ For Holding A Grudge Against My Friend's Partner Over A Mistake?
“So the situation involves my friend Alex (27M), his partner (21F), my husband (29M), and myself (27F). Last year we all went on a camping/fishing trip that we do annually, but last year was the first time Alex’s chick joined. His girl is a really nice person, but she’s not super outdoorsy and can be a bit absent-minded at times.
Here’s the issue: last year we were hiking in bear country and during peak bear season. Normally this isn’t an issue, but you have to be vigilant and know what to do if you do encounter a bear!
So last year before we headed out on our hike I asked my friend if he’s given his girl the 411 on what to do if we see a bear, he hadn’t so he asked me to.
In super simple terms I explained that if you see a grizzly bear (most common in that area) do NOT scream and do NOT run. Avoid eye contact or sudden movement and back away slowly if they aren’t moving.
She listened but I could tell she was kind of blowing me off, she also wasn’t interested in carrying bear spray or learning how to use it.
So lo-and-behold the four of us run into a bear.
It was after a pretty sharp turn so we and the bear were all startled. Alex’s girl reacts in the worst way imaginable: starts screeching at the top of her lungs and sprinting back down the way we came.
The bear started charging, so I deployed the bear spray which scared it off. We then collected Alex’s girl and went back. We pretty much all agree that if we hadn’t had the bear spray we would have been screwed.
My beef is that Alex’s girl treated the whole thing like a big joke afterward… she posted social media stories laughing about the whole thing and has basically shown 0 embarrassment or regret over her stupid behavior.
I didn’t say anything at the time, but my husband and I agreed to basically never go anywhere outside a city with her again, haha.
The issue is Alex and his girl kept asking when we’re doing our “annual trip” and his girl made a joke about wanting “round 2 with the bear.” I decided instead of continuing to make excuses to just be straight up with them: I explained I didn’t find the experience nearly as funny as they did and that I was not willing to go anywhere near wildlife with Alex’s chick until she smartens up.
Now Alex is livid that I’m “holding a grudge,” his girl is livid that I “called her stupid” and my husband thinks I was rude for telling them the actual reason we aren’t willing to go with them this year.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she’s a child that’s not mature enough to be camping it seems. She endangered everyone and then made a joke out of it. This wasn’t an absent-minded mistake.
It happens sometimes that people forget in the moment of panic and react incorrectly to bears or other wildlife but her reaction afterward was unacceptable.
The only thing I would have done differently was telling her immediately up front why you’re not taking her instead of making excuses earlier.
Given her age and immaturity, you’ll probably not have her around your friends by next year’s trip anyways.” Mall0wfloof
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I hate this weird nonsense about it being rude or jerky to call out dangerous behavior.
Especially if it threatens more people’s safety than just the idiot committing said behavior.
I love to hike, camp, fish, etc. I grew up in the woods because my dad worked for the Boy Scouts, and I know woods safety literally like the back of my hand.
But I still talk to park rangers before going into unfamiliar territory, just to be sure I know all the hazards. I would 100000% refuse to hike or camp with her again until she demonstrated she had made efforts to educate herself.
If you or someone in your party gets seriously hurt in the woods, it is extremely hard to get help. You cannot keep the wounds clean, and you are faced with decisions like splitting the group to get help while leaving a possibly bleeding injured person to draw predators into the camp.
While you probably could have employed more diplomacy in how you addressed it, it was important for Alex and his girl to understand that her behavior was dangerous and risked all of your lives. Sure, she got a great story, but the fact that it was a near-miss doesn’t change the NEAR part or the fact that her actions directly caused a very preventable encounter.
You tried to ensure her safety and education, but she blew you off. Her inattention directly led to the encounter you were trying to prevent. She put the whole group at risk because she was too entitled to listen properly to the safety talk, and then treated it like a joke.
If they really want to attend the campout again, tell them both that you and your Hubs are not willing to be placed at risk this time. The girl needs to either show definitively she has put in the effort to learn woods safety (including demonstrating a working knowledge of bear safety), or else politely ask you and demonstrably LISTEN to what you teach.
She needs to do that well before you’re unloading the cars at the trail.” KittenSpangles
Another User Comments:
“So I’m gonna go against the grain here. YTJ and so is your husband.
Alex’s partner might be a jerk.
But there is just too much wiggle room to make a firm judgment. She might have taken everything that you said in but when face to face with an actual bear fear took over. If that’s the case, I can’t really call her a jerk for that.
She posted about it, but it’s a standout moment of the trip. People joke about a lot of things after they happened that were serious at the time.
But your tone is just awful, like you think she should be showing embarrassment to the world?
Did you ever have an actual sit-down moment after the fact and go over the incident? Or did you and your husband just decide she is a lost cause and sit in judgment for a year, while deflecting away any attempts to go on another trip?
From your tone, I’m willing to bet you weren’t particularly cordial when you finally discussed it and your husband still wanted to just bury his head in the sand.
She might well be a jerk too, but there’s doubt on her side.” YouKnowEd
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. NTJ. NTJ.
It’s one thing to be genuinely scared about a bear attack, but when you’re getting instructions on how to deal with it beforehand, you should treat it seriously. Alex’s girl figured it was another episode of some reality TV show.
However, it was quite a different thing for the people who were worried about her safety. Her reaction was extremely callous and put the lives of all people involved in danger. Her reaction afterward, as if it were something to be excited about because they lived to tell the tale, added to OP’s anxiety.
This is the reason that OP told her the truth. If she couldn’t handle the truth about putting everyone’s lives in danger, then the onus is on Alex & his girl. OP did everything correctly by explaining the dangers of being with bears.
OP shouldn’t have to deal with worrying about a future interaction with bears.” MiggyTennis
10. AITJ For Yelling At My Dad For Eating My Birthday Cupcake?
“I (15F) just celebrated my birthday. My family doesn’t have a lot of income, so I didn’t expect much.
Mom cooked my favorite dinner, and we all had ice cream for dessert. I also got a bday card with $25. It was a nice day.
My partner (15M) was invited to the birthday dinner but couldn’t make it because he had to work.
He felt really bad but promised to make up for it the next day.
Even though he works, all of his paychecks go to his parents to help support his big (5 siblings) family. He has always been great about finding fun/interesting/creative things for us to do that are free/cheap.
It inspired me to up my game and help find fun/cheap activities for us, but I’ll admit that he’s still so much better at it.
So, while I absolutely was not expecting a ‘gift’, I was definitely looking forward to whatever he imagined up for our day.
There’s a bakery I love, but it’s over an hour away from where we live. The desserts are delicious but expensive. I often talk about this one cupcake I LOVE from that bakery, but I can only enjoy it when I’m in the city and can afford it.
He doesn’t have a car, so he had to take a train, then walk, then take a train back to get me my favorite cupcake for my birthday. He also planned a historic walk of our town, with a bunch of obscure history he’d researched that I didn’t know about (it was awesome).
I asked to go home to put the cupcake in the fridge while we walked so it would be nice and fresh for me later. We went on a nice long historic walk and it was a great day.
Not gonna lie. When I got home my mouth was already salivating thinking about that cupcake. When I opened the fridge, it was gone. I found the empty container in the trash.
I went to the living room and asked my parents who ate my cupcake, and Dad dismissively said he did.
He thought it was an ‘extra’.
I threw a crap fit. I said it was MY bday cupcake and he was a jerk for eating it. He said if my partner really cared about me he would have bought me more than one, and that they gave me $25, so go buy more if it’s really that important.
He doesn’t think he did anything wrong and is calling me an entitled brat for being upset. I think my partner went above and beyond to get me that freaking cupcake, much more than my own father did for me, and he should feel ashamed and apologetic for what he did.
AITJ for feeling this way?”
Another User Comments:
“Did you put a label on it and/or clearly tell people not to eat it? Did you message your family who might come home while you were out that the cupcake is not to be eaten because your partner got it for you?
If so, NTJ. You told people why it shouldn’t be touched and your father disregarded your instructions.
If you put it in the fridge without any indication that it was for you and not to be eaten, then YTJ.
If your family rule is whatever is in the fridge is free for all unless it’s clearly labeled then your father has behaved as anyone else in your family would. It just so happens that he ate the cupcake and no one else in the family got to it first.
You cannot police a boundary you never enforced to begin with. You cannot punish someone for stepping across a line that isn’t there.
It’s sad that your father ate the cupcake when your partner spent so much time and effort getting it for you.
Yelling at your father due to your shock and horror is understandable considering how special the cupcake was to you.
If you never made it clear that there is a line around the cupcake stating it shouldn’t be eaten though, your father did nothing wrong.
Anyone could have made the same ‘spare’ assumption as he did.” thecratskyone
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You are not a jerk for feeling that way. You have a right to feel however you feel. You are a jerk for throwing a crap fit and calling your dad a jerk (this is really never appropriate for a 15-year-old to do), and your dad is a jerk for this sentence alone… “He said if my partner really cared about me, he would have bought me more than one…”” Mirvb
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your father is a thief! He knew that the cupcake was not his. The way it was packaged he knew it was a single cupcake, not a package, or an extra.
He cares more about his temporary enjoyment than he does about your birthday or gift. Your dad is a selfish jerk.
I wish I could send you another cupcake and send your dad a gorgeous cupcake made of dog food.
In all my years, I have never eaten any of my daughter’s food, even leftovers. That is so selfish. I am sorry this happened. I can just imagine the crushing disappointment.” ContentedRecluse
9. AITJ For Calling The Cops On My Birth Mom's Kids?
“I (31f) am adopted. My parents are wonderful and I had the best sister (35f) growing up.
To me, they are my family and I never had any interest in meeting my birth mother or any of my other biological family. Three years ago I got a message from someone who claimed to be my half-sister.
She was about 16 at the time and I was not in the position to start a conversation so I ignored it and hoped she would move on. But she didn’t and instead, she sent me three more messages in the middle of the night a few weeks after the initial message.
I responded that I was not looking to connect but I wished her and her family the best. Then I blocked her. A few months later yet another account, yet another one of her kids, though I suspect it was the same girl, made contact again.
I tweaked my settings for receiving DMs on there. Last year then I noticed a number of messages that were sent from four accounts. Some were still very young but it was clear that all four of my birth mother’s children were reaching out.
One of them, from the same girl who had contacted me, said that they wanted to know me even if their mom didn’t and they had always wanted a big sister.
I responded to her since she was the oldest and legally an adult at that point and told her I was not interested and they needed to please leave me alone.
A few weeks ago they showed up at my door, with the oldest showing how they had paid for someone to track me down as if it was a good thing/would make me want to let them in more.
I was not happy. They were trying to get me to invite them inside but I told them to leave, twice if not three times, and then I shut the door on them and called the police when they did not leave.
My sister came over as all of this was going on and they were rude to her in trying to get in. The police showed up and escorted them off my property.
The whole ordeal was talked about in my family, and two of my cousins, who are also adopted, took offense to what I did.
They said I was cruel to turn them away and that I should get to know them because connecting with my birth family is so rewarding and how they will always be there. I told them my family will always be there.
The ones I grew up with and love. They said considering some of them are still minors and they have been making these efforts for years now, I should never have been so harsh with them.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because you come across like a brat rather than a 31-year-old woman. From your description, your siblings sound young and have created a fantasy of having a big sister. They probably watched the show long lost family and created an illusion.
All you had to do was act like an adult, by having one conversation with them to say you appreciate them putting time and resources into trying to find you but don’t think you want to reach out to your bio family.
Young people don’t think rationally and are led by their emotions. You didn’t have to be so harsh with them. Lots of adopted people meet their bio families and never meet again after the first meeting.
Why are you so afraid to meet a few teenagers?” indie-lac
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t know who’s worse, these random biological relations actively stalking you for their pleasure or your two cousins who are invalidating your life experience.
They are allowed to choose to connect with their birth family if it gives them pleasure, everyone’s experience is different.
They are minors sure, but they made a very big adult decision to hunt you down and show up unexpectedly at your house.
It doesn’t matter how emotionally immature they are, they made a very emotionally mature decision, the consequences of which they had to bear because they had made that decision.
You were right to call the cops, people you have already rebuffed showed up at your house, after informing you that they hired a professional to find out your personal information so they could do so, insisted on being let in, would not leave, and were actively hostile towards your sister because she was allowed to gain entry.
You owe these people nothing, you needed to be harsh because you tried being polite and they didn’t accept that.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The kids may be sad about you not wanting a relationship with them, which is understandable.
But that’s life. We all have to do what’s best for ourselves, considering where we are in life at any given point. You made that decision for yourself and communicated it clearly.
It’s ok for them to feel sad, upset, or disappointed about it.
It’s not ok for them to violate your privacy, stomp their way through your boundaries, and try to harass you into changing your mind. And if they wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer and leave you alone, you really didn’t have much choice but to call the police.
Even teenagers should know better than to try and force their way into a house when they’ve been told they’re not welcome in no uncertain terms.
Some people want and are ready for a relationship with their birth family when they’re young adults.
Others aren’t. And that’s totally valid – nobody should try and make you feel guilty or ashamed about your decision. Just because something was “rewarding” for someone else, doesn’t mean it will be for you.
It’s your decision, nobody else gets a say.” exul-noctis
8. AITJ For Refusing To Let A Mom Cut Me In Line?
Ever heard of, wait your turn?
“Ok, it’s pretty straightforward, but my friends are torn about this. I (29 F) was visiting my hometown when a Harry Potter pop-up store was supposed to open the next day.
That is very special in our city. So I got up early and went to the store. There were about 50 people in front of me but I was about 5 hours early, so that was fine.
I stood in line, excited, while friends texted me, telling me what they wanted and sending me funds. At about 11:30, the doors opened. They let the first 50 in and I was about to be next when a large group of people cut in line from the side.
I simply said “hey!” But the woman only turned and said “shh,” then turned around again. Security came back to let us in and I loudly told him that they cut in line. A huge discussion broke out, and others behind me backed me up that they cut.
The line was really long at this time, about 4 hours when started at the end. Security put them aside, but the woman refused to move, arguing that her 3 kids wouldn’t be able to stand in line for 4 hours.
She was sent away and because she made such a fuss, forbidden to come into the store again. I got a lot of cool merch for me and my friends, but some say I was the jerk because I told on them, others say the father could have stood in line and the kids could have joined him when he was upfront.
So am I the jerk for not letting a mother cut in line?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, her kids can stand in line, or she could get them camping chairs; they’d see it as an adventure.
Their dad can stand, she could get a friend or family member to babysit, and she could stand in line. The fact is she didn’t even ask they all just barged in. She and her kids won’t die if they don’t get Harry Potter merch; it won’t affect their future, it won’t impact if they have a roof or food over their heads, they didn’t lose anything – it wasn’t a queue at a food bank or to get school uniforms or something.
Everyone else in that queue – their time is equally valuable.” Big__Bang
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
That is something I really hate. That you have especially made plans. Got up early and made plans to be in line.
Then some people who were not as prepared as you decide to cut.
Sorry, your unpreparedness is NOT the problem of ALL THE PEOPLE BEHIND YOU. That made the effort to get here early enough and stood in line unlike you.
No. NTJ. Just like you said the dad could have taken a place in line while the mom and the kids waited in the car.
The mother was not ENTITLED to cut just because she has a kid.
No. There were probably others in line with kids and they managed to wait. NTJ.” SuperHuckleberry125
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ, and I applaud you for speaking out. As a Brit, people queue jumping is one of our biggest annoyances and a lot of us won’t do more than passive-aggressively stare and perhaps give a loud tut and a sarcastic comment.
Props to you for standing up for yourself and everyone else who had to wait, presumably even those with kids because SHOCK HORROR, having kids doesn’t exempt you from society’s rules.” Dawn-of_Ilithyia
7. AITJ For Not Wanting To Comply With My Partner's TV-Watching Rules?
“My partner of 15 years has extremely strict “rules” when it comes to watching shows together on TV.
Or movies.
We have a 55-inch flatscreen and own a lot of Blu-rays, and he mostly prefers classic media, not new films or streaming.
He has VERY strict “rules” when it’s “time to watch:”
1) No talking, but he’s allowed to talk because he “knows when it gets quiet,” or he “knows when something’s not important,” but I’m not allowed to talk.
I can’t even comment or ask questions about what we’re watching. Makes him upset.
2) All sci-fi and horror must be watched at night.
This is tough when it doesn’t get dark outside until 9, and you have somewhere to be the next day or are dying to see something and just don’t want to wait.
We have blackout curtains; I can get the house pretty dark. Also, every light in the house must be off.
3) AC usually must be turned off because it’s “too loud” unless it’s, like, 95+ degrees outside.
4) No eating or snacking while watching.
5) No adult beverage consumption because then I “won’t pay attention to what’s going on” or “understand it.”
6) If I have to go to the bathroom or answer a call or text, he pauses it, but when I return, we have to go back to the beginning of the scene or sequence we were on, not just take it from where it was paused.
7) Shows must be watched in the order in which they aired. For example, we can’t just start with Simpsons Season 5, not unless we’ve already recently watched seasons 1-4.
8) Films also must be watched chronologically, and not “out of order,” no matter how many times we’ve seen them.
(If we’re watching something from the original trilogy, we have to start with “Star Wars” first. Not “Jedi.” Indy? Gotta start with “Raiders,” can’t do “Last Crusade” first, etc.)
9) We MUST watch the trailer, if there’s one available, right before the film.
NO EXCEPTIONS.
10) He has to be “in the right mood” before certain movies or films, especially light-hearted shows or comedies.
I tell him, hey, put the movie on, maybe it will help you get in a better mood, but no dice.
Some things perhaps to consider:
A. My partner grew up an only child, with his own television in his bedroom. He had very few friends and is not, to this day, particularly social.
Entertainment (music too) seems to mean more and be much more important, or significant, to him than most people.
B. I have wondered if he’s possibly undiagnosed Neuro-Divergent.
His mother once told me she wished she’d had him tested when he was young, but back then, there was more of a stigma.
If this is the case, I really don’t know what to do.
I have told him that watching television should be fun and something you do to relax and that all his rules really stress me out and take a lot of the joy out of it, but he insists that his rules make it better.
I’m really at a loss. Let me know.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I relate to him slightly. I LOVE music, it’s more than something I enjoy (all people enjoy music, I know), I live it.
I collect, I listen to several albums a week, and have my own rituals. My own rules. They are similar to his and I find I enjoy the experience a lot. But the key difference is I NEVER force my rules on someone else.
Because these rules are for my private enjoyment, but most people just want it in the background, wanna skip songs, or listen to certain parts. And that’s fine. I’ve learned to enjoy a controlled and serious approach and a more casual experience.
He definitely sounds autistic, maybe OCPD but that’s a bigger stretch. You need to have a serious conversation about how you do not enjoy this experience and that his system works for him but doesn’t work for a social/shared experience.
Sharing the media you love should be done with two equally willing parties, no one should have more of a say over the experience than the other.” Skyistaken
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is insanity.
You need separate TV time then. I couldn’t bear just reading the list and I am pretty particular myself.
(couch must have a sheet or cover, no shoes/dirty socks allowed, no feet on the coffee table, snacks okay but no smelly stuff like buffalo wings and blue cheese dressing, TV must have subtitles/captions on because I’m hard of hearing/have audio processing issues, etc….so I get it.)
But this is wild and too much to ask. TV tyrant is not a cute look. I want to be comfy and enjoy the show, but not at the expense of my partner or whoever is watching with me.
Talking about the show is often part of the fun of watching together.
Sounds like your partner would prefer a plushie to watch TV with, not a person.” ijustneedtolurk
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Your partner may have OCPD or is at least exhibiting traits of it. I say this because I have OCPD and I can absolutely relate to him and his rules!
(Caveat that of course I’m not trying to diagnose him based on a post but just saying that I relate and this may be a possible explanation for his behavior.)
Can’t speak for your partner so I’ll explain from my experience. For me, my OCPD is rooted in two things: anxiety, and a genuine belief that these rules help.
I have these rigid “rules” about certain things and if they aren’t followed, I get actual anxiety.
Like physical discomfort level anxiety. I say this because this may help you understand why your husband seems to be very stubborn. Doesn’t excuse it – but it does explain it. Therapy will help.
The other aspect of OCPD is that I genuinely believe my rules and my way of enjoying things are simply better (not even in a smug way, just a false perspective that my way is somehow objectively better).
And when I do share these rules with others, it’s out of a sincere (if horribly misguided) intention to share this better experience with others.
Before I was diagnosed, when people would tell me that my rules don’t work for them, I just got confused. Depending on how severe the OCPD is, the person may double down and insist that others just don’t understand, and if only they would understand then they would also benefit from this superior experience.
I say NTJ and nobody here is the jerk because if he does have undiagnosed OCPD, he genuinely may not be capable of clocking that his behavior is causing problems. I also didn’t realize how harmful my rigidity can be until I was diagnosed and got support to deal with it.
If this sounds plausible, I’d have a gentle conversation with him about why he has his rules and whether he experiences anxiety when it’s not followed. And then suggest therapy if he’s not already in it.
If he refuses and insists on controlling your way of doing this, then he’s entering jerk territory.” rosebud5824
6. AITJ For Not Letting My Mom Attend My College Move-In Day?
“I (18f) graduated HS a year early and decided instead of taking a break, I wanted to immediately start college. So I did a semester at a community college last year just to get ahead, and now I’m actually moved onto campus to finish my degree.
I lived with my mom (42f) and her husband Ryan (48m) halfway through high school because my siblings Amy (10f) and Liam (7m) wanted me around, and I wanted to see them too before I started doing adult stuff and got too busy to come around as often.
As much as I loved being near my brother and sister, I hated living in the same house as Ryan because he and his family weren’t shy about the fact that they don’t really like me.
When he and my mom first got together, it was like I was being purposely excluded from everything he and his family would invite us to. On holidays, I’d have a seat at the table but no one would really talk to me, I’d be asked to take pictures instead of being in them, and any time I’d try to make an effort to be included I was always told that it was “just for the family” not me.
It got worse when they had my siblings because then I would have to sit on the sidelines and watch as my brother and sister were enthusiastically accepted and wanted by Ryan’s family, all while they made it blatantly obvious that they didn’t want anything to do with me.
There were times when Ryan would schedule “family outings” but find a way to leave me at home, or he’d just straight up say I wasn’t invited. The real last straw was when Ryan’s sister got my mom a Mother’s Day gift a few years ago.
It was a locket with a picture of my brother and sister in it, and she said it was so my mom could always have her two children close to her heart. My mom didn’t say anything about me, she didn’t even glance in my direction.
So I stopped trying and just accepted that I’d never be a real part of her new family because I just wasn’t wanted there.
I’d been slowly packing my things up for the past year, either taking them to my dad’s house or getting them ready to go to my dorm.
So on Saturday when move-in day started, I put all of the stuff I planned on taking into my car and drove to campus myself. My dad met me there and we decorated my room together.
My mom thought that I was just spending the weekend with my dad, so when I ended up telling her that I wasn’t going to be coming back during the week because I’d moved in already, she got really upset.
She said it was hurtful that I would exclude her from this huge moment in my life, and that as my mom it’s her job to be there for this journey and be there for me.
I told her that she’d been letting her husband exclude me from her life since the day they started seeing each other, and because that never seemed to bother her, I didn’t think it would be a big deal for me to do it too.
I felt justified in this at first, but I could tell I really hurt her feelings, and now I’m starting to think I’m maybe a jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re not feeling guilty, you’re feeling a shimmer of false hope that she said she wanted to be there.
If you had invited her, she would have declined in favor of something unimportant your siblings were doing, or Ryan would have made it an unpleasant experience.
What you did was extremely mature. I’m really sorry your mom has been brainwashed by him.
You say you’re sorry you hurt her feelings, but you didn’t: she just faced the natural consequences of her actions. She has no right to be hurt. She should be feeling guilt, and if she’s twisting that into hurt feelings to avoid addressing what she’s done, then I’m afraid she’s toxic and you should distance yourself.
She is just going to keep hurting you because Ryan is telling her she’s the victim, and she wants to please her husband (I say that with as much scorn as I can muster).
I just want you to know that not all of us get the perfect loving family, and it’s nothing to do with anything we’ve done. You’re not alone, you’ve done nothing wrong and couldn’t have done anything differently.
It’s time for you to move on. If she wants to make an effort, the door will be open. Lots of people will tell you to just cut her off, but it’s clear you want a relationship with her, and you shouldn’t sacrifice your wants for the principle of others.
However, you shouldn’t keep throwing effort into a lost cause. Keep your effort in your heart. If your mom wants to deserve it, she can have it. If not, you’ll have a chosen family to give it to one day.
NTJ and good luck with college!” HiddenDestiny251
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While what you did may have hurt her, she is the one who set up the conditions that allowed it to happen.
Could you have let her help you move in?
Sure. That would have been a graceful thing to do (in the sense of giving her something not deserved). But it takes a lot to overcome years of slights and bitterness to do something like that in your position.
Something people even 2x or 3x your age often still struggle with. Why should anyone expect any more from you?
Could you have been a lot more upfront and confrontational about not letting her help you?
Yup. And had you done so, you would have been a jerk.
How you dealt with it let you get it done with the minimum of confrontation, and even that only because you had to.
That is a lot of what makes you NTJ, in my opinion.
The other factor there to me is how long you’ve said you’ve been prepping for the move and how little notification/effort she’s made.
I read it as her expecting you to do all the heavy lifting of reminding, asking advice, asking to go shopping together, etc., while she laid back and dispensed wisdom and assistance… when she cared to.
When you opted not to play her game her way. Well, that was your right and choice.
Looking at the long view, how you handled it may also be the best option you could have chosen for having a chance of seeing a positive change in your relationship.
Had you chosen the graceful option, nothing would change immediately. Maybe you’d confront them down the road. Maybe you’d just find a way to go LC/NC and leave her wondering “what happened?” Or maybe something else altogether.
A big confrontation would have just set you up to be more firmly squeezed out or flat-out cut off. Bridge burned and all that.
What you did do let mom feel some of how you’ve been feeling for years, and for which talk has not gotten through.
But not in a ‘nuclear’ fashion. She now has a choice. Either, accept her role in things getting to this point. Then actively make changes to correct the conditions that are causing it. If so great.
The relationship may never be what it could have been, but it would be better than it is.
Or, deny her part and let that hurt be the start of a major, if not irrevocable, breach.
Yes, this would suck. But if she’ll willing to go that way over this, you can be confident you did nothing wrong.
Or she might end up shrugging it off and continue on the same path she’s been on already.
If so, time to start stepping back even further, slowly and quietly. Just devote the minimum amount of energy into the relationship that you care to, if any. She might eventually notice or she might not.
Either way, it would not be likely that any more effort from you would really make a change.” hard_tyrant_dinosaur
5. AITJ For Not Taking The Blame For My Daughter's Injury-Induced Mental Illness?
“My (42F) daughter (20F) and I have a very shaky relationship and I believe it is mostly due to a traumatic brain injury she had when she was twelve.
My daughter “Jane” has always been a very emotional person.
She cries over the littlest things and always wears her emotions on her sleeve. As a little girl, she was a great kid otherwise, and I think her fear of getting in trouble strongly encouraged her to follow the rules and always be respectful.
However, when she was twelve, she fell and had a serious head injury. Following her injury, she had to have a handful of cognitive tests done which resulted in her being diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety.
Granted, we had not had her tested for any kind of mental illness prior to the injury, but I firmly believe that the fall caused these problems.
Anyway, the doctors suggested we sign Jane up for therapy.
After which she started being very rude to me, not letting me go through her phone, not sharing her location with me, and not even giving me her grade book login information, so I could view her grades.
When I asked her why she was being so distant and cold towards me, she said she was trying to establish some “boundaries.” Boundaries! With her mother! At twelve years old! We had a fight and it ended with her saying that when she turns eighteen, she’ll be cutting contact with me completely.
Fast forward a few years, Jane is 16, and she ends up being admitted to a mental hospital for this ongoing depression issue. This was incredibly hard on me because while she is in the hospital, my then-husband asked for a divorce.
Saying that I’m not being a good mother or spouse and once again basically blaming me for Jane’s mental illnesses. I try to be as gentle as possible when Jane gets home and we have to break the news to her and my son, but the discussion quickly breaks out into a big fight when we start talking about the custody schedule.
Both of my kids say they don’t want any time with me at all! So not only did she start acting like a total brat to me after the accident, but she had her brother conspiring against me too!
Fast forward again, on her eighteenth birthday, I wake up, and she and all of her belongings are gone! I tried getting ahold of her but I couldn’t. I end up having to show up at her school band practice to get her to talk to me.
To sum it up, she tells me that she’s cutting contact with me because I’ve caused her trauma and mental health problems, but I told her that it wasn’t me; it was that head injury and that therapist!
She then threatened to call the COPS on me if I didn’t leave.
To this day, Jane’s contact with me is very limited, even though I’ve tried apologizing and sending her gifts and funds.
I feel like she’s blowing things way out of proportion and that I’m not actually in the wrong. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Look, I believe you didn’t cause the brain injury, and a TBI can definitely cause anxiety and depression to begin to manifest.
HOWEVER, the way you talk as if you’ve been victimized from the start is a bit of a red flag for me. I’m also suspicious that the therapist may have been the only real help your daughter is getting, which guess what, if support doesn’t continue outside of therapy, anxiety and depression are going to get worse.
It’s no wonder she had to go inpatient.
If you thought the therapist was harming her, why not send her to a different one? But you thought the situation wasn’t good for her, yet let it continue.
Another red flag.
So, while you may not have been the factor that triggered the mental illnesses, you were definitely fueling the flames that put your daughter in the condition she is today.
You’re not a victim here.
Your daughter is. And I hope to God that poor girl finds the support she desperately needs, which you, as her PARENT, were negligent in giving her.” TinyRascalSaurus
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
It’s heartbreaking when a parent cannot see the reality of what they’ve done to their kid.
Please get a therapist and maybe a psychiatrist OP, for yourself. These professionals will listen to you, and they will provide you with some insight and information that you have been denying for the entirety of your kid’s life.
I don’t know if you will ever truly accept what you’ve done, and it’s a pity if you don’t try to understand genuinely. You are already losing your entire family because of your behavior – it is 100% up to you to get help from a professional to learn why.
You’ve hurt those you’ve lived with. Most of us here can understand the kind of parent and partner you were. Please OP, do yourself the greatest favor and understand that you have been doing things incredibly wrong, and go get some help.” Rohini_rambles
Another User Comments:
“Maybe you handled the boundaries situation poorly.. no matter her age she’s entitled to boundaries (not justifying her not showing you her grades and all that but your outrage is evident in the post I’m assuming you didn’t hide then when she said it to you.)
She’s been telling you since 12 years old of her plans to leave at 18. I’m assuming that you brushed it off or thought it was a phase and so you waited over 6 years to rectify the situation and now that she has done what she said she would you’re wondering what to do.
It’s intriguing to me that your husband would say you’re not a good mother.. how was your relationship before her injury? Why do you think he would blame you for her illnesses? Were you directly involved in her fall?
Was she under your supervision when it happened? That all seems a bit odd to me… Perhaps there’s something you’re missing after all because it would be one thing if your daughter was the only one saying these things and she somehow influenced your son but it’s less likely that she turned your husband against you without him having reasons of his own
As far as I can see YTJ.” Nevaeh_Skyyee
4. AITJ For Wanting To Get A Pet Spider Even Though My Husband Doesn't Want Me To?
“I have always loved animals, bugs, and plants. We have a dog and a cat which my husband and I take care of together.
And I have a medium-sized fish/shrimp tank and about 60 plants that I manage on my own.
I have a lot on my plate right now (work full time, part-time student, and 4mo. preg) but I have been wanting another pet for a looooong time.
I have always liked the idea of creating a vivarium and keeping some sort of insect in it (beetles/praying mantis, etc.). I have seen many videos of jumping spiders and fell in love with their cute faces and curious personalities.
I already have a large terrarium jar I could use and many plants and things to put into the enclosure. There are also many jumping spiders that live in my plants which I could capture.
My plan was to set up an enclosure and capture a spider from outside. If it becomes too much to care for the spider I could always release it back into my plants, which live outside most of the year.
If it goes well I will probably still release it in March when I take my plants back outside after the winter months, because our baby is due in February. If I end up liking the experience I would want to set up a more permanent habitat and purchase a captive bread-jumping spider in the future.
The only problem is that my husband does not like spiders. As far as I know, he isn’t afraid of them, just doesn’t like them. I have let him kill black widows outside and in our shed, but have had to convince him not to kill large orb weavers or crab spiders in our yard as I know they catch bugs and mosquitoes.
I like to tease my husband and ask him if I can get a tarantula when we go to the pet store, and he of course says no. I would be interested in a tarantula but I know that’s a lot to ask.
From my perspective, a little jumping spider is a reasonable compromise, as he won’t let me get other pets right now. But he says that any spider inside the house, he will kill. I tried to reason with him and ask him why a little contained spider would bother him so much, or if he is afraid of spiders, and all he says is that any spider in the house he will kill.
I think he is being ridiculous and hateful toward spiders. Also being stubborn in his decision. I told him I still want a spider and have the means to put an enclosure together right now (I’m not, still researching).
I put on spider care and habitat set-up YouTube videos on our TV, and he got really upset.
WIBTJ if I still set up a spider habitat and got a spider from outside? I know he will be upset, but I can’t imagine him killing a spider if it’s my pet, but if he does, what should I do?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I want a dog. When I was growing up we had loads of cats and dogs, and now my husband and I are living rural, and he’s working from home. I really, really want a dog.
Husband doesn’t, so we don’t have a dog. He was scared of dogs, he’s coming around to them and has gone from “never” to “maybe someday,” but it’s still a no for now, so we don’t have one.
Also, spiders and insects are not the same thing. I am terribly arachnophobic. Absolutely crap scared of spiders. Bugs I can handle (literally as well as figuratively). But spiders are a no. Just because your husband is OK with bugs doesn’t mean he should be OK with spiders.
Your hormones are all over the place at the moment, yay pregnancy! I get that. And you just want something else to love. But please don’t do this, don’t make your husband uncomfortable in his own home, don’t capture a free-living animal and make it live in a glass case for your benefit, and don’t give yourself extra responsibilities when you are both gearing up for the biggest responsibility of your lives.” MadWifeUK
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ at this moment in time. You said it yourself, a lot is going on right now and the timing might play a factor in his steadfastness in saying no. I’d lay off the pet spider thing for a bit.
Get settled with the baby and maybe reapproach the topic after that. For him, it might not really be about the spiders at all, but he’s stressed about more important things and you’re just poking the bear at a time when it is not appropriate.
If he really still doesn’t want them in the house, could you find another place for them if possible? If this is something you really want without him freaking out, have a conversation “I understand you’re not comfortable with them, but this is something I really want and I am open to a compromise if you could hear me out”.
If not, then you need to learn to let it go and respect his disdain for them.
Ultimately you know him, not us, so if you go behind his back and get them anyways, you need to be sure it’s worth the drama that you’ll create because of it.
9/10 it’s not worth it.” mell0w0wl
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Willingly bringing new animals into an environment that isn’t safe is not okay.
Taking animals from outside is also not okay with the exception of repopulation efforts or helping sick/injured wildlife.
Tarantulas are very fragile and can have very long lifespans. Some females can make it 20-30 years. They also have very different requirements between species. Sure they can be easy for a few to keep but in reality, most are more difficult hermit crabs you really have to enjoy.
You already said you have a lot going on as well as a baby en route.
For him, what the heck kind of person says that? Even my arachnophobic friends don’t say that.
I do have the underlying feeling both of y’all are extremely stressed out and need to really work on managing.” Staplepuller
3. AITJ For Bringing My Husband To My Sister's Apartment Even Though She Asked Me Not To?
“I am 24 and my sister is 27. I am married with 2 kids. My husband is also 24. My sister has told me before it makes her feel insecure that I am married with kids when she isn’t.
Personally, I think my sister is way cooler than me. She is in school to be a dentist. She works very hard too. She works in luxury retail. She used to tell me all she ever wanted was a white Mercedes, and she bought herself a white Mercedes recently.
I was so proud of her.
And no, she is not the girl from the Frank Ocean song.
Every penny I ever spend comes from my husband. Yeah, I have a nice car. Not nearly as cool as hers but I didn’t buy it my husband did.
Same with everything else. My clothes, my house, everything is bought by him. She is a hardworking lady, and she gets to spoil herself. She doesn’t have to ask a man to do it for her, like I do.
And I love my husband more than anything in this world, but I still really do look up to my sister.
She has a new apartment with a backyard and invited me and my parents over for a bbq.
I asked if I could bring the kids. She said yes but not my husband. I asked why, and she said it makes her feel insecure when we are in her presence. I ask why.
She said I’m 3 years younger than her and it makes her feel bad about herself because she doesn’t have any kids and isn’t married. Not to mention, she has a partner, and he’s friends with my husband.
He has no problem with him at all. In fact, they were communicating about what we should bring.
I told my sister I guess I’ll go alone because I don’t want to deal with a 1-year-old and a 3-year-old all by myself, but she said she’ll help with them and that she wants me to bring them, just not my husband.
I said I can only bring one then and she said to bring both no matter what. So I brought my husband. Her partner greeted my husband and didn’t even know he wasn’t supposed to be there.
I sat next to him inside and she had me walk over to her and asked if I could move away from…my own husband. I respectfully declined that and she went over and told him “just so you know you weren’t invited here.”
Now he feels like crap and he went home, and I followed him. (My sister is only a block away from us, we didn’t drive.) He said he didn’t know they hated him and he thinks it’s all his fault.
She said I knew it made her uncomfortable when I’m around him because she isn’t married yet.
She insisted I bring my two kids, but I’m only one person. I can’t deal with 2 very small children alone.
Edit: Some people have the same concern I’ve had for 8 years now. I think my sister does have a crush on my husband, but I’m not 100% sure of that. The only evidence I have is sometimes I catch her staring at him.
I’ll say something silly like “you like what you see?” And she’ll say “no I just like his shirt.” And sometimes she’ll look at him and say to me “I wish I had what you have” but I always assumed she was talking about a family in general, not my husband specifically.
Update: I took your guys’ advice. I called her, apologized, and I asked her straight up. “Do you have a crush on my husband?” She stuttered a ton and then said “a little bit.”
So…I think that answers that.
Should her partner know? Should my husband know?? Idek what the right thing to do here is? How do I tell my husband my sister has a crush on him?!”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. I’m calling nonsense on your sister’s “reasons”, I think she’s lying to you.
She has a good job and is working towards a professional career, her own place, and a partner. If she had wanted to marry and have babies instead, why didn’t she do that?
It feels like there’s something more at play here.
Going out on a wild limb, maybe she fancies your husband, envies your relationship with him, and can’t stand to see you together because she’s jealous. See, if her insecurities are based on you being married with children, how come she’s demanding you bring the kids?
How come she’s demanding you don’t sit next to your husband when HER partner is there?
I wavered on calling you a jerk as well, but my reasons to go with it are partly because you ignored her stated wishes (her home, her rules) and partly because you exposed your husband to her snide comment.
And, honestly, I’m struggling with you not telling her “thanks for the invite but, no, I’m not interested in attending a ‘family’ event my husband is excluded from.”” ItisntRocketSurgery
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Your sister is the jerk for obvious reasons. She’s very insecure and it’s wrong of her to project those insecurities onto you and expect you to adjust to them.
However, really? She told you explicitly don’t bring him.
She told you explicitly repeatedly. Yet you still decided to go & bring him? Either just don’t go & support your husband by not visiting people who make him feel unwelcome, OR just don’t bring him.
It’s not like she wasn’t clear. “Bring both kids no matter what” clearly did not include “bring the husband,” because you already offered that and she still said no. Or, when she said that, just tell her flat out, “if you want both kids there my husband is coming.
If you don’t want my husband there, I’m not bringing either kid. Those are your options.” Though quite frankly I wouldn’t be spending any time with my sis when she was projecting her own problems onto me that much.” CochinNbrahma
Another User Comments:
“I really think you should clarify with your sister. Does she have a crush on your husband because of who he is or does she have a crush on your husband for what he represents?
I know she said she has a little bit of a crush on him but that could mean a couple of different things. Given the fact that she said it makes her uncomfortable that you’re younger than her and married and have children, that could be about what he represents.
As an older sibling with no children and not married, I get the desire for what my siblings have.
I would also suggest you sit down and talk to your sister about how much you admire her and the life she has and why.
She may not realize that while she’s crushing on what you have, you’re kind of crushing on what she has. She may just need that reassurance from you.
I’m going with YTJ because your sister was really clear with you, even if she is wrong in my opinion, and because you didn’t make any effort to really talk to her.
So you really should do that next time, in fact before next time.” Trixie-applecreek
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. Don’t even entertain that idea lol, you did nothing wrong. Everyone has insecurities, but your sister is one of those toxic people who takes them out on other people.
Based on everything you said, she has no reason to dislike your husband.
The fact that she won’t let you bring him along despite the fact you’re literally MARRIED says two things to me. One, is that she’s used to being the “successful one” career-wise and she can’t handle that you have achieved something she hasn’t.
Two, is that she’s into your husband. When I see someone staring at someone else, it’s usually either because they’re jealous of them or that they’re into them. I’m not sure it’s even about your husband, but the fact that she sees and knows he’s “marriage material” and covets that for herself.
Some really insecure people do that; they’ll develop a crush on someone who is in a relationship with a person close to them.
Honestly, I’d recommend not seeing your sister for a while. In my experience, people like that tend to let their jealousy overwhelm them and will try to poison your relationship with your husband.
The fact she’s already trying to alienate him is a red flag.” blue-hour-fanatic
By not drawing a line in the sand you handled it badly.
2. AITJ For Banning My Future Nieces And Nephews From My Wedding?
“Last weekend, I got married to my fiancé, John.
Prior to the wedding, his sister contacted me about a rule on our invitations.
John and I decided to not allow children (aged 5 or younger) at our wedding. We didn’t want to hear any crying babies during the ceremony or reception, and we decided that kids can be pretty distracting and rambunctious.
Anyway, John’s sister, Sarah, was quite annoyed by this rule. She has two kids (a 3-year-old and an 11-month-old) and said she’d have trouble finding a babysitter for them on the day. I told her I was sorry, but rules were rules.
She kept pestering me about this, asking for an explanation. I told her basically what I already mentioned above. Besides, I owe her no explanation. This is our wedding and we can decide who and what we want at it.
For info, John is in complete agreement with me, has seen the texts, and listened to all the phone calls, and he is on my side about this. I was the one who offered to throw myself under the bus a bit and be the messenger to tell her she couldn’t bring her kids.
John loves Sarah and I didn’t want her to be upset with him on his wedding day.
Now to the wedding day. My sister, Emily, has two kids as well. A 7-year-old and a 5-year-old.
They are both very polite, and John and I agreed that the 5-year-old is behaved enough to attend the wedding, despite being a year younger than the rules stated. No one would know or care, and it meant a lot to me that the 5-year-old was there, as I’m very close to her.
It also would have been difficult for Emily to allow one of her children to attend, but not the other.
The ceremony went great, 5 year old was very respectful and quiet, no issues at all.
However, at the reception, trouble arose.
Sarah did choose to attend the wedding still, despite her kids not coming, and she knows that the 5-year-old is five years old, breaking the rules. She confronted me about it in the bathroom at the reception hall, saying things like “That was a really cruel thing to do” “you just have family bias because your family is rich and they paid for most of the wedding so now you think you can do whatever you want,” etc. I brushed off most of it and ignored her, I didn’t want to fight on my wedding day.
I was obviously hurt and upset, but I tried not to let it get to me.
Now, a week after the wedding, John’s family has started texting me and harassing me about how I’m a huge jerk for not allowing my future/new niece and nephew at my wedding, and how this reflects very poorly on me.
John and I are from different cultures, and his family really wanted him to marry someone from his culture, but he chose not to. Therefore it has been very very hard building a good relationship with his family, specifically his parents.
It sucks to see that they still don’t like me.
But also, Sarah may have been right, and I’m now wondering if I was a jerk for bending the rules for my family but not hers.”
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Why not under five? There’s a big difference between 3 and 5 and this is your wedding, so it totally makes sense that you’d be okay with one but not the other. However, the way you played it.
thinking no one would “catch” you, does make you look shady. It’s your wedding. You should have been honest and said that you guys changed your rule and don’t want toddlers there.
If your husband was 100% in on this decision I highly recommend you communicate as a team.
They are going to blame everything they don’t agree with on you. If he buys a car they don’t like, it’ll be your fault. If he gets the flu and can’t make it to a holiday gathering, they’ll blame you.
He needs to speak up and make sure they know that attacking you is not okay. This woman picked a fight at your wedding and the family is now texting you to fight. They’re not even pretending to try to be civilized here.” mynewusername10
Another User Comments:
“Look, I hate kids. I am entirely on your side here. A well-behaved 5-year-old is not the same as a screaming baby with an entitled mother who thought a wedding was a day out for her offspring.
BUT you tried to lie, to get out of a difficult conversation. You didn’t want to say, ‘No, your children can’t come because they’re screaming gremlins. We specifically don’t want yours at the wedding.’ So you just pretended it was a rule.
There was no way she was not going to find out. You could have easily made it ‘no children under 4’. I think you secretly wanted her to know, without having to do the crappy job of admitting it to her.
And that makes it an ESH. That includes your husband, who should be taking the rap for this. They’re his sister’s kids, he was prepared to exclude them; instead, he’s letting his family blame you, and start your entry into the family on a negative footing.
If it was mainly you who excluded them, that doesn’t matter – he needs to take the consequences for being under your thumb, and it’s good old-fashioned misogyny to blame you alone.” HiddenDestiny251
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. People here are saying that you have to stick to your own rules, but IMO that’s stupid bc it’s YOUR wedding. If your niece is 5 but you KNOW she behaves, and both you and your husband wanted her there, then she is invited, if your SIL’s kids are 3 and 1, you have no way of predicting how they’ll behave in a wedding (probably a situation they haven’t been exposed to before since they are young), then for your own peace of mind, you are allowed to not invite them.
People think weddings are meant to be the couple catering for their guests but that’s nonsense, it’s your day, and you can be as selfish or as selfless as you want (obviously within human decency limits).
You have the right to choose your guests, no rule even needed you could’ve said “some kids are invited bc we both personally know and are sure that they’ll behave amazingly during the event, it’s nothing against your kids, we just want our day to go without an issue, please don’t try to make us invite kids that didn’t get an invite.”” MysteriousOption3067
Another User Comments:
“Oh OP… You made the worst married person error ever and became the messenger delivering bad news to your partner’s family. Anyone who’s been in a long-term relationship at least somewhat successfully knows that the best thing you can ever do is have each person deal with their own family members.
Not gonna visit the in-laws for Christmas? The husband has to tell his mom and dad you’re not making the trip. Your mom wants to be in the delivery room and you’d rather give birth twice than have her there holding your hand?
You need to tell her.
You said you didn’t want your husband to have to be the bad guy and have his family upset with him, but the truth is that family almost always forgives family.
Your new sister-in-law would’ve gotten over it because it’s her brother. Now you’re the scapegoat and they’re pretty much gonna hate you forever. You will always be the person who “forced“ their precious son/brother/uncle to not allow those poor kids to sit through a boring ceremony and late-night party.
(Some sarcasm there, obviously.)
As for the wedding day itself, you can’t unring that bell. I’m usually a firm believer in having your wedding the way you want to have it, including inviting only other people you want there the most, but you made a big mistake when you threw out that whole rules are rules comment and yet broke them yourself.
It does seem unfair, and I don’t know how you can possibly make it up to your sister-in-law unless you’re willing to apologize and say that you made an error. Whether you believe you did or not is another question.” theallyoop
1. AITJ For Asking My Teammate To Tone Down Her Skills?
She can’t help it if she’s a good player.
“I have spent the past several years building up a regular women’s ultimate frisbee game in my town. I tried to play co-ed ultimate frisbee many times, seeking out explicitly inclusive leagues. But every time I played, I ended up pointlessly running up and down the field, completely open, and completely ignored, never passed to no matter what.
Usually, what would happen was, one extra tall dude who could jump high would park himself in the endzone, and one dude who could throw really far just threw it across the whole field to the tall dude over and over.
This was not fun. After a couple of those humiliating “games,” pictures of me during the game would appear on the league’s website, in a form of bizarre false advertising “proving” women were included. Then, in the teams that were NOT explicitly “inclusive,” you’d hear comments like: “What do you call co-ed 6 vs.
6?” “It’s 3 vs. 3 with obstacles.” Meaning the women were just obstacles to get around.
So I heard from the “inclusive” leagues that getting women to join is really hard. I doubted that. All the women I know enjoy some form of sports or physical activity.
And ultimate frisbee is fun. So I slowly started building up a regular women-only game that is truly inclusive and extremely fun. We have a wide range of ages, body types, skill levels, and fitness levels, and we do our best to make it fun for everyone.
Recently, a woman who’s new to us joined my game. She said she had many years of experience playing in other leagues in the past. She is definitely an extremely skilled player, she’s very tall, she can throw very far, and all that is awesome for her.
But she’s replicating a lot of the habits from other leagues that I started this game to avoid. It’s great that she can pretty much intercept every pass everyone else makes between each other, it’s great that she can jump higher than anyone else and snatch the disc out of the air over basically everyone, and it’s great that she’s able to throw the disc so far that she can bypass everyone in the whole field and aim for someone parked in the end zone.
I’m happy for her that she is that skilled, and that she’s having a good time, but playing that way makes it extremely un-fun for everyone else.
I tried to explain this to her and it was not getting across at all, it seemed she thought I was talking nonsense.
I made a few attempts to explain, and then finally made it very simple because many other people were just starting to not show up and play. I just got fed up and said, “look, could you play to the level of the group, and make sure everyone is included, not just one or two people dominating every play.” She burst into tears when I said that and said I was calling her “dominating” and that it was screwed up I wanted her to dim her light and not play her best, and making her feel like some kind of monster.
AITJ for my request, or would there be a better way to phrase it to her?”
Another User Comments:
“As I’ve gathered, it looks like a NTJ situation although you could’ve phrased it better. She’s a competitive person who is good at the game, great.
But this isn’t a competitive-oriented group. If she wants to play her best and push her limits, she needs to find a like-minded group. Factually there are very few people in your group who can even ‘challenge’ or offer her the level of play she wants.
I mean, I don’t know how you can explain to her that this isn’t a competitive group. People are encouraged to improve but the point of a more casual group is not to win or show off.
Idk if there are more competitive women’s groups in your area for her, and she’s probably sick of the man-club-ness of the sport, but doing whatever you want in a casual group ain’t the answer.
I mean maybe you can try to organize with her some sub-team where she can run an hour a week or something of sessions which are aimed to be more competitive under the same flag(?) of the bigger group, let her handle recruitment and management of that.
That might be her solution.” VeryAmaze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’d suggest to her that she join the co-ed league if she wants to be competitive. It sounds like yours is just not the right fit for her and vice versa.
Tbh I despise people like this lol. When a game is very obviously set up as being “all in fun” and inclusive, trying to be the Ultimate Player who trounces everyone else is a jerk move.
This is evidenced by the fact that everyone else in the league has been able to keep their ego in check and play to the level of the group. It also is clearly really bad if others have been actively complaining about her.
The fact that she weaponized her tears to try and make you feel worse about asking her to tone it down leaves a bad taste in my mouth (you didn’t even ask her to leave the league, just pass to everyone and be inclusive—the whole point of this particular game).
I know people like this, especially the “don’t dim my light” types and they’re often insufferable in my experience. “Not dimming their light” usually works out to “let me do whatever I want” which is the antithesis of a team sport/activity.
If she refuses to change or leave, I’d honestly start calling the games off early if she acts like this. Be sure to tell her, every time you end the game early, that this is because much of the group isn’t being included/able to participate and you don’t want to waste their time or make them feel worse about their abilities because she can’t tone it down.
Harsh, but some people need that harsh social reality check to learn that it’s not about them 24/7.” ashwynne
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. I don’t think it is fair to ask her to play beneath her level.
It’s a meaningless request because there’s no way for either of you to define it. Is she not supposed to score? Is she supposed to drop a pass once a game? Look the other way when she could stop the other team from scoring?
Instead, tell her that she can’t play in your league anymore. Tell her she needs to play in a league that matches her level, and this isn’t it. Tell her sorry, I know you’re not going to be happy about this, but I have people quitting and talking about quitting the league, and I need to do what I have to to save the league.
Thanks for coming out to play, and here are some leagues where I think you’ll fit in a lot better.” emma7734
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Should a softball game have a rule to only run one base because not everyone can hit far?
Pick up basketball, no 3-point shots because not everyone can make that shot? Everything you named is part of ultimate frisbee. Jumping over people for a disc, throwing a disc long, a tall person in the end to catch, all aspects of frisbee.
All in the spirit of the game. You’re trying to take a game, then make arbitrary rules because you didn’t like parts of the game, but that isn’t how it should be.
I’ve played for 15 years. I’ve been in those same co-Ed situations, I’ve played with all girls. I’ve played for fun, club, competitive, and pickup. You made a girl cry by making her feel bad for naturally being tall and having a good throw because you got burned at a co-ed game.
Ever think maybe you just don’t like ultimate as much as you think because you don’t like certain LEGITIMATE parts of the game?” Casscat04
Casscat04 is wrong. Grandstanding at the expense of your teammates is exactly why the saying "There's no I in t-e-a-m" exists.
