People Ask Us To Take Some Time To Weigh Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
18. AITJ For Using Out Joint Account To Buy Home Stuff?
“I (F29) live with my partner (M29). We have been together for 3 and a half years.
We recently moved into a new home back in July. The home is unfurnished and although we have furniture, there have been a few bits missing, for example, a shower caddy, a hook to hang the towel on in the downstairs bathroom, etc. Just the final few bits to pull it together and make it feel like a home.
When we first moved in we made an Amazon list of the little things we needed, but then got distracted and never bought them. My partner impulse bought a new (very expensive) TV yesterday that has kickstarted him into wanting to finish the house, rearrange the lounge furniture, etc. We agreed that we would move things around and get the house sorted out this weekend.
This evening, with the ‘finishing the house’ plan in place for the weekend fresh in my mind, I bought the little bits on the Amazon list so they would arrive in time for us to fit them at the weekend.
The total was £70, and I used our joint account to pay for it. We pay into the account an equal amount each month, and the account is used for household bills, food shopping, and anything to do with the house expenses basically.
I didn’t consult with my partner first – my logic was that they are things I bought for the house that we need, not luxuries. I don’t call him to check if spending X amount in the supermarket when doing the food shop is ok before I checkout, so I didn’t think it would be a problem.
When my partner saw the notification on his phone of the funds coming out of our account, he asked what it was for. I told him and he got angry and told me I should’ve consulted him first before spending his money.
I replied that I just bought things for the house that we have previously discussed and agreed that we needed and that I didn’t think it would be a big deal to him (if I did I would’ve asked). He told me I was very disrespectful to do this and to apologize immediately.
He also told me that he should ‘make me pay for the whole order so I learn my lesson’.
I told him I think he was massively overreacting and we are now not speaking. To give you some background on my partner’s financial situation, he is an extremely high earner (to the point where he can impulse purchase a £2000 TV as he did yesterday) and works for himself.
I earn much less than him (not that it’s relevant to this story.) Given this, I really didn’t think he’d care about his half of the order (£35) to improve our house but he has reacted very differently to how I would have.
AITJ?
EDIT TO ADD: we moved in pretty much as soon as we met (I know we’re crazy lol) so we’ve lived together for nearly 3 and a half years. On the whole, our relationship is good and we’re happy the majority of the time.
We only argue occasionally, but when we do it’s usually about money.
EDIT 2: he purchased the TV with funds from his own account. I have no issue with that, it’s a great TV… I only mentioned it to highlight that finances are not a big problem for him.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and MASSIVE red flags everywhere!
Anyone who tells another ‘adult’ they need to ‘learn a lesson’ is someone to kick to the curb pronto!
He is certainly overreacting. You were not being disrespectful. These are items for the house.
It is not a huge amount. Demanding that you apologize and need to learn a lesson is very alarming. He is being very controlling and not at all respectful of YOU!
Be glad he is showing his true colors before you made the mistake of marrying this jerk.
Take advantage of his not speaking to you and start planning your exit. This guy is a grade-A creep! Get out while you can!” stroppo
Another User Comments:
“Go and tell your partner that, if he wants, you will pay the $70 back and then ask if he will allow you to use the TV.
If he says yes then tell him that you will allow him to use the things you have bought i.e. the caddy etc.
If he says no then tell him that he is not allowed to use the caddy etc and he has to buy his own.
When he asks what you mean, tell him that, if you have to spend your own funds to buy things for the house, then they are your things. Of course, you understand his things are his things. However, is this really how he wants to live?
Does he still want you to put the $70 back?
NTJ
For your information, this will likely start an argument. It might actually be a good argument to have now. Because he is essentially treating you as a villain for spending $35 (of his money and $35 of your own) on something you both needed. It’s a joint account.
You shouldn’t have to ask permission for things under say $100 and which are clearly for the house. You are his partner; not his servant.” 8kijcj
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It seems like a very small thing and he hugely overreacted. Sounds like money is a sensitive issue for him (because you mention it is the only thing you fight about).
Maybe he was hoping you would buy those things from your own account since he just bought a big tv from his personal account it would be a nice gesture. But still, no reason for him to act so weird.
The language you describe sounds very disrespectful such as ‘apologize immediately’ and ‘learn (your) lesson’. This is very paternalistic and not the language of someone treating the other person with respect in an equal partnership.” CalligrapherLow7113
17. AITJ For Cooking Low-Carb Food On Holidays?
“I (F42) am the ‘family chef.’ My mother-in-law hates to cook, same with my brother in laws and their wives. Meanwhile – though my family is gone – I was raised by a wanna-be chef who loved the holidays and always invited anyone who didn’t have somewhere else to go to join our table.
I keep this tradition going, have plenty of seats available, and all my friends/family love my cooking.
I also have a chronic illness and a restricted diet. I have been cooking to my own needs for years. (Sugar gets swapped for Stevia, rolls are made with almond flour, peanut butter cookies are 90% peanut butter, etc)
Everyone who is a regular at my table also has medical needs that coordinate with my food needs but aren’t as diligent about it. For example: diabetics don’t have to worry as much since I don’t use real sugar. I have a dozen people that are regulars at my holiday meals (all adults) and they all love my low-carb, sugar-free, well-seasoned food.
I put the flavor where I can and we don’t miss out.
Here is the question. I have invited some new stragglers this year and when one found out how I cook they were horribly offended. They are refusing to come unless I make more conventional recipes.
This person is a new SO of a longtime friend, and has never eaten my food, but will not eat anything that’s not standard old-style recipes. The same recipes that will make me quite ill, and cause potential medical issues for others as they have become used to letting their guard down with food at my house.
I want to make nice with this person, as the friend they are connected to means a lot to me, but AITJ if I refuse?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Imagine the audacity of being invited to someone else’s home for a holiday meal and then threatening not to attend if they don’t cook what you demand!
Wow. This person is completely out of line. Why would you put the selfish demands of one person above the medical needs and traditional enjoyment of 12 people? Tell this wackadoo that you won’t be changing your menu, and so you’re so sorry they won’t be able to join you this year.
This person wouldn’t have been a good guest anyway, I guarantee it. They would have ruined your day. You’re much better off without them.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s one thing to have dietary restrictions and hopes the host can accommodate them; it’s another thing completely to outright refuse to eat food intended for people with dietary restrictions.
You shouldn’t have to serve something your other guests ‘can’t’ eat, therefore disrupting the sense of security you’ve fostered for them so far, just because this person has a prejudice against this type of food.
If you wanna make nice with this person, I think it would be a good idea to emphasize how important it’s been to the other guests to create a space where they can eat safely.
And maybe highlight some things that would be familiar to them? I’m a vegetarian and have other dietary restrictions, and it can sometimes help to point out to people that there are plenty of things they already eat that fall under those restrictions.
Maybe also suggest they can bring their own if it’s that important to them to have a particular dish made a certain way, but emphasize that they should clearly label it so the other guests don’t accidentally eat it?” MxBluMoon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Screw them. They can eat what’s made, cook their own food, or shut up. No, OP, you shouldn’t even want to make nice with such an entitled jerk regardless of who they’re friends with. If you give an inch, watch as they’ll try to take a mile and get just as offended when you finally say no. These types need boundaries established quickly and firmly.” 295Phoenix
16. AITJ For Moving Out To Go To College?
“I am going to college soon in a different country.
My father wants me to stay behind to help him care for my autistic younger brother by retaking high school classes with him so he can learn some skills. My father called me selfish when I said no.
The short answer to why I decided to move is that I want to make a life for myself outside of my family.
Up until this point, I had already been helping take care of all of my siblings for my entire life. I essentially had to parent them growing up. I also had to build my life around my father. I could never hang out with friends or have time outside of my school or home life because his schedule came first. If he wanted to go out for 7 hours a certain day when I had something scheduled already, I had to follow along.
Imagine a whole lifetime of this treatment, it’s mine.
I put my foot down and insisted I move whether he like it or not. Then he went off again, lecturing me about how ungrateful and selfish I was and how I didn’t care about my family.
I didn’t pay attention.
Right now I’m packing my stuff to move and I feel like such a piece of work for doing that. I’m conflicted about whether I really am making the right decision. Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“Very much NTJ. Your wording, that you had to be in the parental role for your sibling, that’s parentification and a form of mistreatment. Get out, and live your life for yourself. Your brother is your father’s responsibility.
Go low contact as soon as possible, once you’re gone he’s going to try to get you to come back and stay there because you are his long-term answer to your brother’s care.
Your father is ultimately being the selfish one, abusing and neglecting both his children and expecting you to repeat high school classes when you’ve already gotten into university just for the sake of your brother.
You care about family, but family, or at least the man who was supposed to, has never cared about you and if your leaving is selfish it’s a selfish you’ve earned after years of selflessness.” ScorchieSong
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
There is nothing to reconsider. Regardless of whether you have a bro with special needs or not you still have your own life. You have to build it for yourself and if it means moving out and on then that’s what you do.
As for your bro, primarily this is your dad’s responsibility so I hope he will find a way around it. Also if you have another family they can help. Your decision to move out is not selfish in any way.
Your dad is wrong to think or say such things. He needs to treat all his kids well and help them make the right decisions for themselves not use one for another. Please move out… go to college… make a good life for yourself.
Also when you are stable and settled you will have ample opportunities to help your brother. Let him know that. Good luck.” VeraXavier
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, OP.
Firstly, I am sorry you have been parentified. That’s the name for what’s happened to you.
It was never your responsibility to take care of your siblings.
You are not ungrateful or selfish. Your siblings are not your responsibility. A child is the responsibility of their parents. You are not their parents, and therefore they are not your responsibility.
You’re being guilt-tripped by your dad to stay. But you have to do what’s best for you because sadly your dad isn’t worried about what’s best for you. He’s worried about what’s best for him and his other children.
So good luck out there, chin up and stay strong.” User
15. AITJ For "Exposing" My Sister's Private History?
“I (F20) have an older sister ‘Lauren’ (F21). Lauren started going out with ‘James’ (M23) about 3 weeks ago.
They’ve known each other for about a year and I’ll be honest right from the start I never really liked James.
He’s blatantly misogynistic and homophobic (I’m part of the LGBTQ+ community so this really bothered me). Despite this, I keep it civil with him.
Anyways, James and Lauren came over to my apartment for dinner last night. I’m not sure how we got onto the topic but we were talking about body counts (how many people you’ve slept with).
James made a comment like ‘If a girl has a higher body count than 5, that’s disgusting and I would never talk to her’. I and my sister talk to each other about everything so I know her body count is higher than 5, so I look at her and made the comment ‘hmm that’s interesting’ in response to what James had said.
He quickly looks over at my sister and says ‘why is that interesting? You told me I was your fourth? If I find out you lied that’s a dealbreaker and you know that’. My sister didn’t say anything and the conversation was dropped.
A while later, James leaves and it’s just me and my sister. She immediately flips out on me saying I exposed her and that I was trying to sabotage her relationship. I told her I had no idea she lied to James and that maybe she should be honest with him instead of getting mad at me.
She then left and I haven’t spoken to her since.
So AITJ?
Edit: In terms of James’ body count, I’m not sure what it is exactly but he’s had 5 serious relationships so I’m assuming it’s at least 5.
Add the fact he was in a frat in college even easier to assume it’s rather high.
Why would my sister allow a homophobic individual around me, let alone date one? Honestly, I don’t know why. I’ve expressed to her privately that James’ views on the LGBTQ community are very hurtful and make me uncomfortable.
Her response is always ‘James is just very honest but don’t worry he views you like family’ which frankly doesn’t mean anything to me.
I realize that it seems pretty obvious that I SHOULD have known she lied. Okay, I can agree with it.
However, the evening was already pretty rocky before the situation occurred so I was already in an uncomfortable mood so I guess I didn’t put 2 and 2 together and it came out a lot more ‘intentional sabotage’ than I realized.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – you obviously DID know she lied to him based on that comment and wanted to stir things up. lol, at least own up to your intention and stop gaslighting your sister that you ‘had no idea!
It was an innocent mistake!’ such crap.
While I think he sounds like a jerk and it’s for the best that he knows and they eventually break up that wasn’t YOUR decision to make. It’s misogynistic nonsense that his current partner having a body account above 5 bothers him so much BUT again, YTJ, hands down.
Also, public service announcement: but you sharing your sister’s private history to shame her and cause problems in her relationship is actually REALLY super sexist so you may have more in common with this guy than you think.” User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You should have stayed silent. Not your business. And you were messing with her relationship by saying that.
Your sister should have been able to tell him that her number is private information to which he’s not entitled to if he can’t handle that they shouldn’t date.
Nobody should be required to kiss and tell to be in a relationship.
And her partner for obvious reasons. We all know he won’t keep that rule. The older he gets, the harder it’ll be to find love interests with a perspective like that.” jammy913
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You didn’t know she was lying to him, and y’all were talking about past partners in the first place. It would be one thing if you brought up your sister’s private history out of nowhere… But it was part of the conversation yall were already having.
Her lies are not your responsibility, and if it wasn’t you, it could’ve been any other thing that could’ve exposed the lie—other friends, her exes, if she ever slips up in telling him a story, etc.
If the entire relationship is BUILT on a lie in the first place, it probably wasn’t gonna last anyways.
Though I will say: take another look at your sister and the things, she’ll turn a blind eye to/brush aside.
She chose to date a misogynist and queerphobic, KNOWING her own history AND your identity.” ctortan
Another User Comments:
“Normally, I’d say it’s not your business. It’s really nobody’s business how many partners a person has had in the past.
But you are all adults, and nobody objected to this line of conversation. Nobody said, ‘ok, that’s rude, let’s move on.’ And you didn’t actually expose your sister. You didn’t say, ‘but she’s been with at least 20 that unknown of!’ Because his comment is interesting.
That comment is deeply misogynistic and unfair. Your words can imply, ‘you’ve slept with more people than that’, but they can also imply, ‘that’s an awful thing to say! Are you sure this guy is what you want?’ How he interprets the comment and how your sister reacts are what set the tone for how that comment is taken.
I’m going with ‘everyone sucks here’. You knew what you were implying, and it was rude. But she’s just as rude in inviting a homophobic jerk to your place for dinner. He’s, just not worth dealing with.” kevwelch
14. AITJ For Telling My Husband's Friend That She Needs To Find More Friends?
“I (33F) have been married to my husband (44M) for 7 years. He has been friends with ‘Jessica (42F)’ since before we met. He was very upfront with me about Jessica when we met. They dated for a couple of months years ago until she got sick and they stopped seeing each other because she could no longer keep up with the activities and hobbies he likes.
They stayed friends and kept in touch. I’ve never had a problem with this.
In recent years her health has started to decline more and she’s needed help either around her house or with money here and there or just venting.
She turned to my husband sometimes for venting, and he’s offered to help her out sometimes. He has discussed it with me and asked if I was okay each time and I have been since it hasn’t impacted our finances or what we’re able to do with each other.
I’ve even offered to drive her to appointments before.
This wasn’t so bad starting out, but it’s slowly turned to her texting him at all hours of the day, multiple days of the week. Not even small texts but entire page-long text messages talking about everything and nothing.
We went camping and she must’ve sent texts the entire time because once we got back where we had good coverage his phone blew up. At that point, I talked to him that I was starting to get irritated and feeling like we had a third person in our marriage and wanted him to talk to her about scaling back.
He said he would.
The first time he tried talking to her about it, she derailed the conversation to talk about other things. The second time he tried she had to hang up to take care of her dog. This last time he got to talk to her and tell her to not text as often and she took it kinda badly.
She thought he had lied to her about my being fine with them talking this whole time so I interjected and told her no, I just want time and marriage with my husband by ourselves and suggested that she should work on finding some other friends so she isn’t so dependent on him.
Jessica hung up and my husband hadn’t heard from her in a couple of weeks. We ran into her at the store yesterday and she turned her cart around and avoided us. I never told her or intended for her to stop being friends with him entirely so now I’m wondering if I should have just left it alone.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it sounds like she is very sensitive to any form of rejection.
Not to say you should have done anything differently. Probably any way you approached this topic would have led to this result.
Obviously, I can’t say if she was always like this, but social isolation has probably made this behavior worse… My point is this is her issue with workouts.
If you feel compelled to maintain the relationship, you or your husband could try to reach out through text to re-explain your position/intention.
If you do end up remaining friends, maybe you and your husband can offer to join her in doing some group activities where she can meet other people. Every time I moved to a new city, I used Meet-Up & social media groups to fill my calendar and build a social circle.
Try those!” LolaJune25
Another User Comments:
“So your husband has a friend with health problems that are now serious enough that they can’t do things for themselves and you told her to be less needy?
Not being able to participate in society as a ‘normal, healthy’ person is difficult emotionally.
It’s isolating. Having someone that you can turn to is vital. Having that person tell you that you’re too needy and defective is really hard. It sounds like the way you approached it was insensitive to why she was reaching out so often, so YTJ.” Similar_Pineapple418
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are right, she needs to diversify her friend group. I realize that with her health problems that are easier said than done. No one asked her to stop talking to your husband, just not so much.
Her feelings are hurt. She’ll come around. Your husband needs to keep an eye on the dependency, though.” feminist1946
13. WIBTJ If I Kick Out My Partner's Best Friend And Daughter?
“My partner (m27) and I (f25) recently moved in together. This is my first time living with someone other than my family, I was really excited about this new beginning in our lives, but then my partner asked if his best friend TJ (f25) and her child (f2) can come live with us.
I wasn’t excited about it but then he explained to me their situation is not the best, and I was on board after that. Everything was going okay in the beginning, but there were still problems with her daughter constantly writing on things.
She drew on books, shoes, walls, and floors with anything she could get her hands on. She would constantly go through cabinets where we would keep the chemicals or the bathroom cabinet where I would keep feminine products opening EVERYTHING.
Not to mention TJ would be in the room while it happens more invested in her phone. I understand she is 2 and doesn’t know better, but I would tell TJ, her mother, and she would basically shrug it off and would barely help clean it up or offer to pay for the damage.
I or my partner would literally have to ask for an apology. Her daughter has damaged so many of my items that I had to take down the valuable stuff I used to decorate our apartment and store them in bins to avoid them getting damaged further.
I was beginning to get frustrated with it.
Then we received a violation notice in the mail that she was caught smoking in my partner’s car there are clear signs outside to not be smoking close to the apartment building.
After that, I was done. I’m over constantly having to tell her to watch her daughter and clean up after her daughter. I explained to my partner my reason for wanting her to leave, but he keeps saying that she has nowhere else to go.
I do feel bad but I’m losing so many things that are valuable to me and TJ doesn’t even care. Is it wrong for me to want her to leave?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but if your partner immediately asked to move TJ in with you both, I would be suspicious.
Sounds like maybe your partner cares more about living with TJ, but TJ can’t contribute to household bills, so your partner needed to find someone else to help split the rent.
I would give your partner a date by which either TJ needs to be out or you will be leaving and removing your name from the lease.
You don’t need this trouble, especially as persistent lease violations will also be attached to your name and make it difficult for you to rent elsewhere. Your partner needs to choose whether he wants to live with you or TJ.
And if he cares more about living with TJ, you shouldn’t be paying the bills for that.” Meemaws_BearCheese
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You shouldn’t have to put up with someone who lets her kid destroy your stuff, especially since you guys were nice enough to let her move in.
I would sit down with TJ and tell her that if she doesn’t pay closer attention to her kid and keeps letting her child destroy your apartment, then she’s gonna have to leave.
Worse case, inform your landlord that TJ is letting her kid destroy the apartment and cause damages.
They’ll either evict TJ themselves or make her pay the cost of the damages. If her daughter is destroying the apartment, you and your partner won’t get your security deposit back if you ever decide to move.” ManicPanicPeach
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I don’t think the relationship will last. Kids will be kids and 2-year-olds need child-proofed houses, but you are not the parent so you wouldn’t have known that. They do things like draw on any flat surface they can reach if left unsupervised.
Which is where the issue lies. Your partner’s bestie is not supervising her child. She’s not cleaning up after her child. She’s not being a responsible human being. And irresponsible human beings do things like take advantage of friends. It sounds like she will never be in a situation to move out if she can’t even handle supervising her toddler.
If your partner will not discuss setting an end date for bestie’s stay you would be best served to get your name off the lease and get out of there. It’s just not a viable situation.” ladypeyton
12. AITJ For Taking My Espresso Machine?
“At the start of the semester, I (F 19) told my college roommate (f 18) that I would be bringing my espresso machine to college with me in place of a coffee maker, and since she’s also a barista for a large company that she would be welcome to use it.
My only condition about her using the machine is the fact that I would like to teach her how to use it first. I used it sparingly because espresso pods are expensive and I’m barely in the dorm. After about a month and a half, my side of the room started to smell rotten.
I spent the day deep cleaning my side of the room trying to find the source of the odor. The machine was positioned in the window right next to the head of my bed.
Then I looked at the catch bin of the espresso machine.
The entire thing was covered in slimy mold and overflowing with empty espresso pods. I asked my roommate if she had been using the machine, even though I never taught her how to use it. She said yes, and that she ‘wasn’t stupid’ and knew how to use it.
When I opened the pod holder the entire machine was covered in mold and slimy water. It took 2 hours to clean and get it working again. At that point, she had gone behind my back on several things and nearly broke my espresso machine.
So packed it all up in a crate and put it under my bed, saying that it no longer works because she let it grow mold on the sensors. To clarify, the machine works fine, but there was mold on the sensors that could have broken.
Then I took a bus home a few weeks later and took the machine with me. Some people are calling me selfish and rude for taking a ‘resource’ that I promised her, but I felt that this was the last straw for me as her roommate.
So, am I the jerk?
Edit: to give context to ‘the last straw’ part, my roommate and I have had several conflicts. She’s opened several items of mine (ex. Care package items), eaten my food, broken my stuff, and has had illegal substances within the dorm despite my stated discomfort.
I made my stance on substances in our room clear due to addiction in my family, it was on my housing profile when we first met online. She constantly pushes me to ‘just try’ whatever she’s having, despite my several explanations.
So, when the machine conflict arose I took it before it could be truly broken like my other belongings.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Roommates need to respect what is not theirs. Sharing space does not imply also sharing your own things.
For all the things that are yours that you are ok with sharing under some rules as was this machine if rules are not respected then the roommate is a jerk. Not you.
For all things that came with a room that is to be shared between both, also some rules should exist, eg both have the same right to use equally.
You did right. I suggest trying to ask for a change of room&roomate, otherwise, it’s not going to be nice for you to live there, but rather problematic.” Zealiida
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You and your roommate were having a discussion about the common equipment you wanted in your dorm room before you moved in.
You both drink coffee. Sounds like she’d have been happy with a regular filter coffee maker, but you told her that you had this espresso machine you’d bring instead, and she was welcome to use it. She agreed.
You told her you wanted to teach her how to use your expensive machine correctly.
That’s fine and sensible. But then you apparently didn’t teach her how to use it for a month and a half. That’s not even slightly reasonable. You told this girl she could use your coffee machine, and on that basis, she didn’t buy a coffee pot.
You need to follow through and explain how to use your machine.
She sucks for using your machine and not cleaning it out/taking proper care of it.” _mmiggs_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and report her. You are not a resource for her to use, and that includes secrets.
She’s doing something against policy (it’s not illegal) and making you both uncomfortable and complicit. She’s disrespectful, rude, and nasty. Take her crap to your RA and escalate if they try to play it down because it’s difficult.” User
11. AITJ For Thinking My Nephews Have The Right To Be Mad At Their Dad?
“Brother has three bio sons ages 12 and 10 (twins).
He became a stepfather of two boys last year ages 7 and 5. My brother has always been a very involved father but also a very involved uncle and cousin. He’s sometimes maybe put a little too much effort into other kids in the family which has made his boys feel like they’ll always have a little less of him and nothing special and uniquely theirs.
So about 5 years ago he found a little camping spot and he told them it was theirs. Just dad and sons spot for them. They loved it. Went a few times a year, sometimes for ‘day camping’ or whatever that it was, sometimes for a single overnight, and sometimes for a weekend or a few days.
A few weeks ago the boys got back from their mom’s and learned my brother had taken his stepsons to the spot and that they had enjoyed camping. Their stepbrothers told them my brother said they could come next time with them too.
My nephews were angry at first. They yelled at their dad and stormed up to their bedrooms. After they had cooled down they told him they were upset with him and they would never stop being upset with him, that he had tainted their spot, that was meant to be their thing with him, the only thing they had uniquely for them and their relationship.
My brother told them it was still special. But he’s the other boy’s dad now too, and they have two new brothers. They told him it changed nothing.
My brother has been on edge ever since because the boys have stayed true to their word and the relationship is off now.
He was venting to me and told me how he doesn’t know what went wrong, and he hates what’s happened but the boys are not open to seeing this as not a bad thing. He said he doesn’t think they have a right to be upset over this because what he said is true.
I told him I thought they did have a right. Because he promised them it would always be just their thing, and he already has them sharing so much of him, now even more with stepsons and while he might love them all the same, they might never feel that way and now they have to accept that place that was so special to them is now also his special place with two other people.
He told me I had no idea what I was talking about and if I had my way, they would be entitled and uncaring kids who don’t open their hearts to new members of the family. I told him he should be glad they had wanted a special thing with him.
He said I was wrong to take the boy’s side and defend their selfishness.
AITJ?
I ask because I might be way off base here. My experience with this is via my husband who was the child of a divorce who struggled with his relationship with his parents after more were involved and I know he still to this day wishes his parents had made more of an effort with just him.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There are stories about parents prioritizing blending families to the extent that their bio-kids feel marginalized. There was one a couple of months ago where a guy really believed he had done a good job only to find that his bio-kids were planning to move out to their grandparents.
His daughter actually accelerated her high-school courses to get out early. It’s important for parents in blended families (all families actually) to spend separate times with the kids and to maintain the ties they had before blending. Your brother took that away from his own kids and he’s wrong.
He was already giving less to his own kids and this made it so much worse. He’s going to end up like the dad in a recent post who was always prioritizing the needs of his church members over his daughter’s events and ended up missing out on her wedding ceremony because he went to help someone with a car.
At the very least, you might suggest that your brother consider some family therapy with his bio-kids to talk discuss their feelings about the way he prioritizes so many others.” 5115E
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are so right.
He told them that the camping spot was exclusively for the four of them (Dad and bio-sons).
Then he went behind their backs and took the stepsons there. I can’t blame the bio-sons for feeling hurt and angry and betrayed. This was their one special thing to do with their father that wasn’t shared with others. Taking the stepsons there was a rotten thing for your brother to do to his bio-sons.
Forcing relationships between bio and new stepkids is not a good idea. Forcing bio kids to share their belongings with new stepkids is a terrible idea. And forcing the bio kids to give up their one special connection with their father and share it with two kids they don’t even know is a way to create resentment and jealousy.
Just the fact that he took the stepsons there behind the backs of his bio sons tells me that he knew he was doing something they would hate. And now he refuses to acknowledge that he did wrong and blames the situation on his bio-sons.
He will end up permanently estranged from his bio sons. Unless he accepts what he did wrong, admits it, apologizes sincerely, and finds some big way to make it up to them. With something that does not include the stepkids.” Paevatar
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you are correct.
Your brother needs to browse this sub and see what forcing sibling relationships between step-siblings does and can do. They aren’t the kid’s brothers, that much is clear.
He doesn’t understand that within the last year they’ve been thrown into a whole new dynamic with his wife and stepkids, and the one consistent thing that they had with just him has been taken away.
No matter how much he tries now, it’s no longer ‘their’ spot with him, they have said they won’t go back. Any attempts to go there with all the kids (and probably his wife too, 4 kids camping?) Will be met with refusal or it’ll just be a nightmare of a time.
They are entitled to time and things just for them with him. He is uncaring of them by doing this and expecting them to be ok with it, showing them that their feeling doesn’t matter on something that was deeply special to them.” HunterDangerous1366
10. AITJ For Not Doing A "Boy's Job"?
“My parents, my brother (M21), and I (M25) were going camping with a good family friend and their kids (M23, F20, F18, F18, F8).
F8 and I really close and in fact, I am her regular babysitter.
So naturally, I spent a lot of time playing with and caring for her. F8 is the closest to F20 among all her siblings and of course she needs a break from time to time so she is relieved when I take care of F8 (though she cannot understand why I or anyone would do ‘volunteer babysitting’).
Anyway, my father and F20 work well together, and honestly, F20 is probably the handiest of all of us so she, her father, and my father did the bulk of the tent set-up and take-down. The two F18s helped a bit.
My brother had other commitments, M23 is lazy, and even though I rather not I went down to help with the tent work but my father turned me away saying they had enough hands.
Anyway, after the tent take-down, F20 snapped at me saying ‘you know, you boys are the ones who are supposed to be doing this’.
Now, this annoyed me mainly because I don’t think there is anything as a ‘boys’ job’ or a ‘girls’ job’. I told her in response ‘well how often did I watch your baby sister for you; took care of her as a ‘voluntary babysitter’, which by your logic is a ‘girl’s job’ so don’t talk to me about a boy’s job vs girl’s job.’
Now my mother saw this exchange and stepped in. She said that F20 has a point and I said that I went to help, just that dad turned me away. She said well he should have had me help instead of the F18s.
She also said: ‘you watch F8 cause you enjoy it; not cause anyone is making you. You can’t use that to avoid doing your job as a man’. F20 agreed.
I walked away and F20’s mother called me over and asked me what happened. I told her and she said that F20 is mainly annoyed by her ‘lazy brother’ and that in her view she ought to apologize to me.
Since we are you know adults I dropped the topic and didn’t bring it up to her or anyone again but I am curious. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
That is absolutely toxic behavior on F20 and your mother’s parts.
You are 100% correct that there is no such thing as a man’s work or a woman’s work. What they tried to shame you for was absolutely vile.
If they want to be that traditional and sexist about it, remind them that traditional women do not have a say in what a man chooses to do.
They should therefore mind their tongues. If they want traditional gender roles, give them traditional gender roles. Anything less would be hypocritical of them.” LeoSolaris
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
As a woman, this kind of attitude drives me crazy and it lets us all down.
A woman can’t do something because she has a womb and a man can. After all, he has a manhood? Come on. I’m sure she’ll be the first to complain if/when she is the victim of misogyny in the workplace.
Ok, men are physically stronger than women so sometimes it is very kind of a man to help a woman with something heavy, and men and women do tend to have different interests. But taking a tent down, good grief.
And I personally would MUCH rather take a tent down than look after a child. Much less responsibility and risk.” ofnovalue
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the only time it is reasonable to expect men to do ‘man’s jobs’ is when there is something they are physically capable of that women are not, and when you just take your time and do it slower that list gets short.
Moving furniture? Two women. Getting something off of a high shelf? Get a chair. Now if you chose to use your extra tallness (if you have it) or extra strength (if you have it) to help out, great! You are very kind.
But breaking down a tent does not require a lot of height (depending on how tall the tent is) and no strength and you are suited to babysitting so you made the right choice.” lordofnicestuff
9. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For My Friend On Our Group Vacation?
“So I am in a friend group of 5 (ages between 20-25) we all have retail jobs while we finish school for our different majors. For about 2 years now, we have all been saving to take a nice vacation to Tulum (Mexico).
Now my friend (I’ll call her Mary) quit her job about 2 months ago due to scheduling reasons. When she quit I asked her if she would be dipping into her vacation savings, so we could postpone it until she got a new job.
She said no, that her mom was supportive of her taking a vacation with us and that her mom would help her out for a while. We all continued saving and about 2 weeks ago we started buying plane tickets, making hotel reservations, and making the itinerary.
Just to put it out there, during these past 2 months, Mary has been spending a lot on concerts and artist merch. She would say that her mom was paying for all of this and that she was still going on vacation with us.
Yesterday we had a little meeting to make sure we all bought our plane tickets and to plan a date to go out to buy what we would need (mainly clothes) Mary then asked, ‘so, who has my plane ticket?’ We were all very confused. She then dropped the bomb on us and told us that her mom made her pay back all of the concert tickets and merch because she didn’t know how much Mary was actually spending on this.
After paying her mom back, Mary was left with $450. This wasn’t even enough for the round-trip plane tickets. She then said, ‘if you guys divide up my room and plane cost between the 4 of y’all it would only come out to about $675 for each one.’ I right away said no, that those $675 could be used towards souvenirs and anything I would buy in Mexico. My three other friends said that they could see if their parents could lend them the money because they really wanted Mary to come.
Everyone is calling me a selfish witch that doesn’t care for Mary and that wants to ruin the vacation. So AITJ?
Update: At that moment, my so-called friends made me feel like I was in the wrong and that I was being a major jerk.
And after calling the resort I’ve changed my dates. Instead of going to Tulum in December, I’ll be going next year in March as a birthday trip!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Mary has known about this vacation, and expecting $675 from each of you is ridiculous.
If she needs to ‘borrow’ it should be from her mother (who is rightfully mad at her daughter’s spending)
Also from how you wrote it – it doesn’t sound like Mary is asking to ‘borrow’ this money from you girls.
It sounds like she expects you all to just cover her like she thought her mom was happy to just let her have as much $ as she wanted. If she were $200 short that’s one thing but it sounds like she’s over $2000 short.
It sounds like your friends have all been working hard, saving your funds, and making some sacrifices in order to go on your vacation. It doesn’t sound like you are wealthy heiresses hundreds of dollars to give away.” CarrieCat62
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She’s asking for too much, and your friends shouldn’t be indulging her. You’ve been saving for this trip for two years. Mary had only been unemployed for two months. It’s entirely her fault if she didn’t have the money anymore.
She quit her job, she lied to her mother, and she blasted through hundreds of dollars in a short period of time. Therefore, she doesn’t get to go on vacation. She needs to grow up, and none of you should coddle her.
Would it be fun if she was there? Maybe. Will it be fun if she isn’t there? Probably.” sparrowhawk75
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… oy. I am surprised that some people can still amaze me. So, Mary expects everyone to pony up almost 1000 for her part of the trip?
And do your other friends think that their parents are actually going to give them almost 1000 dollars for another kid’s child to go on this trip? If Mary really wanted to come, she would have made it a priority to do what needed to be done to save for the trip, as you all have done.
What about expenses on/during the trip? Food, drinks, admission fees? Does Mary expect you all to cover all of her costs? You need to have a talk and let your friends know that there is so much more expected of this trip than airfare and a hotel room.
Are they willing to cover those costs as well? Because you are not. I don’t think they are seeing the big picture. Because if they cover those costs for Mary, I guarantee she is not going to have money for things you want to do on the trip and she will moan and groan, and everyone will be expected to cover for her and this trip that you all worked so hard for will be ruined. It will not be an enjoyable trip.” Worth-Season3645
8. WIBTJ If I Don't Go To My Brother's Wedding?
“I (38f) have 3 siblings, 37f, 35m (Alex), and 30m (Jackson) and Jackson is getting married next year and I do not want to attend if Alex is attending. My sister and I went no contact with Alex several years ago, life has been drama and stress-free ever since.
No relatives are on speaking terms with Alex with the exception of Jackson (even our mum went no contact). Jackson doesn’t interact or communicate with Alex aside from occasional messages from Alex via social media. Communication is limited and mostly one-sided because Jackson is a non-confrontational person.
Each family member has their own unique reasons for going no contact with Alex but the reasons are all similar in nature.
To give you a better understanding Alex loves to insult people and pretend it’s a joke, bait people into arguments, he regularly calls people derogatory names, he’s condescending, racist, and elitist, and the list goes on.
He’s the biggest jerk I have ever met. Every family function in the past has had some drama stirred up from Alex, always stemming from some mean-spirited comment (but it’s a joke!) or the like. Jackson’s fiancé, Rebecca (27f), has taken it upon herself to befriend Alex and the two regularly chat via social media.
Rebecca thinks she can get all 4 siblings together for her wedding and have some joyous reunion, but that will NEVER happen. I imagine Rebecca would love to be credited with reuniting the siblings. My sister and I will not tolerate his abusive behavior and refuse to be in the same room as him (we’ve tried but always get the same result – insults, name callings, fights).
There is no doubt in my mind that Alex would cause drama at the wedding and our mum agrees. Would I be the jerk if I asked if Alex was coming to their wedding and declined the invite if he is attending?”
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ if you choose not to come if Alex is there. It sounds like Alex has a well-established pattern of stirring up trouble with you and, even if you and your sister were committed to not engaging with him, he would do his best to cause problems at the wedding.
I honestly think the best bet here is to call Jackson and talk to him about this. Explain that, while you would love to be there for his wedding, you don’t trust Alex not to leave you alone and wouldn’t be comfortable attending.
Don’t try to make him choose between you; you can simply make it the priority that you want him to have a drama-free wedding.
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. It stinks.” SpaceyAwesome
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Rebecca sounds like that girl who invited her fiance’s abusive estranged mother to the wedding and it got called off on the day, needless to say, the girl couldn’t for the life of her understand why they wouldn’t want their abusive estranged mother at the wedding, coz family.
You would not be the jerk if you chose not to attend, If they say they won’t invite him I’d still wouldn’t be shocked if it was just a ploy to get you all in the same room.
Some people have a vision of being the savior and this Rebecca character sounds exactly like she would disregard your very reasonable boundaries to get her own way.” MyFriendsCallMeEpic
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ to decline, BUT I think there is a better way here than to go or not go: hire a security-Alex-Babysitter. Paying for all Alex-stress to be someone else’s problem? Totally worth it.
Can you talk to Jackson about your concerns about Alex raising conflict?
Emphasize how much you want him and his bride to have the smooth stress-free wedding day-of-their-dreams, and state that you’d like to hire security as a buffer, to de-escalate situations and make sure nothing negative happens. If you financially can (your sister might chip in?), offer to arrange this as a gift to Jackson.
YOU making the arrangements means that you get to provide the messaging and boundaries to the staff person or people; it also means that you can be 100% sure the buffer security will be babysitting Alex all night, with no mysterious cancellations.
Bonus: you gain the moral high ground in your family, and Jackson will not feel pressured to ‘choose between his brothers’. OP, you deserve to have a great experience attending your beloved brother’s wedding.” LarkScarlett
7. AITJ For Not Exchanging A Dress?
“My sister (26 F), BIL (29 M), and I (25 F) went out, while walking on the street toward a restaurant, my sister and I caught sight of this cute green dress in the display of a nearby boutique.
We both liked it and decided to check it. My sister tried on the dress, and she looked stunning in the dress. She paid a few hundred dollars for it. While she was making the payment, I was looking around the store and found another dress in baby pink.
Usually, I don’t buy anything in pink because I feel, it doesn’t suit me but I really liked this one and when I tried it I was impressed. I went looking for my sister to show her, and both my sister and BIL looked surprised. My sister asked If I am buying it, and I said yes she stood beside me to look in the mirror, and proceed to ask the salesperson to check if the store has the same dress for her.
Unfortunately, It was not available. I proceed to pay the bill and the evening went on uneventfully.
The next morning after breakfast, while I was watching TV, my sister asked if she can try my dress, I agreed without much thought.
When I was packing to leave my sister gave me the shopping bag saying it was my dress from yesterday. While waiting for uber, I looked inside the bag and was shocked to see the green dress. I showed it to my sister, telling her by mistake she got her dress, then she took the shopping bag from me and went upstairs to her room.
She came down after 30 minutes along with BIL and asked if I really liked the dress. I said I wouldn’t have bought it otherwise. She said she would keep it as she liked it very much and tried to give me the green dress again saying I will look much better in it.
I firmly said no and asked her to give me mine. While she continued to try and convince me the uber driver called me for the second time and I quickly grabbed the shopping bag with my dress from my sister and rushed out.
After three hours of flight, I reached home to find a bunch of angry messages on my phone from my BIL saying how selfish and insensitive I was, how much my sister liked the dress and how upset she was after I left and how she is still crying, along with a bunch of other things.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It looks like your sister was jealous of how great you looked in your dress and wanted to have the dress for herself despite having her own dress that looked great on her. Perhaps she didn’t want you to outshine her.
Ignore your BIL. You picked and paid for your dress and neither he nor your sister is entitled to force you to exchange your dress for hers based on her whim. She is responsible for her feelings and her actions.” Substantial-Bee122
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Now, you need to organize a night out, wear a dress, and post lots of pictures.
Your sister sounds like she’s entitled and spoiled, and your BIL indulges that behavior. It’s one thing for her to ask if you’d be willing to trade dresses, but when you said no, that was it that was the end of the discussion.
But honestly, the fact that she tried to steal your dress at the very start by giving you the wrong one on purpose is so messed up.” Significant_Apple799
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister may have been upset after you left, but that does not make you the jerk.
It is possible that she was trying to take advantage of you, but it is also possible that she simply wanted to show you how much she liked the dress. Either way, it was not your responsibility to satisfy her desires.
You were not obligated to give her the dress, and you did nothing wrong by refusing to do so.” edgithoughts
6. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go To My Brother-In-Law's Wedding?
“I’m newly pregnant with our first child.
My husband’s brother just recently proposed to his partner (of four months) and they plan on getting married when I’m 38 weeks pregnant. They live about 7 hours away from us.
I don’t really like his fiancé due to some very off-the-wall and inappropriate comments she made during my mother-in-law’s funeral but everyone else seems to like her so I’m doing my best to get along with her.
When she asked me to be a part of her bridal party, I thought cool this is a chance for me to get to really know her and maybe be friends outside the first time I met her which was at the funeral. She hadn’t set the date yet, but I told her I was pregnant and when I was due and that while I don’t want her to schedule their wedding around me, my husband and I also wouldn’t be able to attend if it was closer to my due date.
They set the date and she asked about dresses for me when I told her that while we are very happy for her, we won’t be able to come. She asked why and I repeated what I told her before she set the date and that I couldn’t travel far that late in pregnancy.
She had a meltdown. She insisted that I could still come since it was only a 7-hour drive (barring traffic) and that if I couldn’t come my husband needed to still come because it was his brother.
I said this is our first child, and if I go into labor I will not be doing it by myself nor will my husband miss the birth of our child to attend anyone’s wedding.
She called me selfish for missing her wedding and that if at least my husband didn’t go we wouldn’t speak to them again.
My husband is now anxious because he wants to be there for his brother but knows if he leaves me and I go into labor he could theoretically miss the birth of his first child.
The added bit about making sure he and his brother don’t have a relationship when they’ve always been close also adds fuel to the fire.
She texted everyone in the family group chat that I was abusive and controlling for not letting my husband attend their wedding without context saying I did not like her.
I hadn’t planned on telling ALL of our extended family we were pregnant yet since I’m still in my first trimester. My husband texted back saying I am not forcing him to do anything but we agreed not to tell everyone we were pregnant yet so our phones have been going off for hours with texts about setting our pettiness aside to be happy for the couple.
Even those who know I’m pregnant and would be close to my due date say I should at least let my husband go.
My mom labored for only 3 hours with me and an hour with my sister and she had us both at the 39-week mark.
Her mother also had a short labor so I feel very uncomfortable with the idea of leaving our city to travel so far away during the last weeks of my first pregnancy.
UPDATE: My husband responded to the family members who reached out to us individually and told them the situation including the fact SIL was informed of our due date and that we wouldn’t be able to attend if they chose a wedding date close to it.
His brother finally called him back, and he spoke with him directly, and from what he understands he was at work so future SIL was not around.
My husband explained how it was 100% his decision to stay with me and had a heart-to-heart talk in which a lot was discussed.
His brother was surprised about the ultimatum and apologized for his fiancé’s behavior explaining they apparently recently had a miscarriage (news to us) and she likely was taking out her feelings including jealousy on me. He also told my husband that he was going to talk to SIL and have the date changed since they didn’t sign a contract with any vendors yet.
He said he really wants us there since we are close so he’ll either move the wedding forward or push it back.
So I guess we might be going to the wedding after all? Though I told my husband at this point he can be a groomsman but I definitely will not be part of the bridal party because I didn’t want her to take out her feelings on me throughout my pregnancy while she was wedding planning.
Today was super stressful and I won’t be responding to any more comments, but I wanted to thank all of you for your support and suggestions. I started having doubts about whether or not I was the jerk here when family kept pestering us to concede but I’m glad to find out our decision was perfectly normal and expected!”
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ – you are supposed to be within 1 hour of your hospital once you reach the end of pregnancy (or even some high-risk cases even earlier than that). There are way too many variables and 38 weeks is not the time to be going 7 hours away.
There’s even a chance you’ll already have delivered your baby, and there’s zero sense to bring a 1-2 week old 7 hours away for a wedding. Having a baby absolutely trumps attending a wedding.
Why is she expecting you to prioritize her wedding over your family?
You already established your boundary and said no. She needs to respect your wishes. Your husband should not plan to attend without you. Again, starting your family trumps a wedding every single time. He shouldn’t be choosing to be away from that.” squirreltrap
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Tell everyone that you gave them the heads up about your due date AND told them that you and your husband wouldn’t be able to attend if it was too close to that.
‘I understand that their wedding is important and I certainly do not expect anyone to schedule their important life events around mine.
But if it was this important for us, or even just my husband to be there, then they could have factored my due into their plans. I shared the news of my pregnancy and our concerns about the timing of the wedding with my fiancé when she first invited me to be part of the bridal party (last month, 3 weeks ago, whatever it was).
It was 100% their choice to pick this date, but they did so knowing that it would mean my husband and I would not be able to attend. We are very excited for BIL and fiancé and wish them all the best. But on that date, I am going to be in labor, almost in labor, or we are going to be at home with a newborn baby – those are things that we as a couple need to prioritize.’
Anyone who still gives you trouble about you and your husband not attending after that is not someone whose opinion you need to be concerned about.
And honestly – sounds like fiancé was annoyed that your baby news was going to overshadow the planning and execution of her most special day and so she decided to get out in front of it to get herself the sympathy vote.” Forward_Squirrel8879
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You let your SIL (soon to be) have private information in order to make sure you could be at the wedding if it was super important to them. They didn’t follow that, and that’s fine, but it means you can’t travel.
No way you are traveling 7 hours at 38 weeks pregnant, so you can’t go.
But with your husband, sure, there may be a game-day decision about where he can go, but given the timing, saying no, for now, is the only reasonable response.
38 weeks pregnant is definitely the time to hover around the hospital. You may be on bed rest by then, just waiting around, or you could have a newborn, and if you do have the baby early, then neither of you is going to the wedding.
I think your husband needs to tell his family – when you are all ready – very clearly: We told SIL about the pregnancy early because we wanted to be able to go to the wedding, the date they chose is too close to the due date, and absolutely they can pick the date that works for them and we send them the best wishes, but we can’t commit to going given the timing.
So yes, we are pregnant and the wedding is right around the birth, so neither of us feels comfortable committing to traveling, and that is my decision. I don’t want to miss the birth of my child or not be here if something happens, plus we may have had the baby by then, so happy to be as involved as we can be in wedding planning, but we can’t plan to attend.
Then, leave it at that.” mfruitfly
5. AITJ For Being Upset That My Mom Bailed On Me?
“I (34f) have 2 siblings: ‘Josie’ (37f) and ‘Krista’ (33f). Josie has 3 kids (16m, 13f, 10f) and Krista has 2 kids (4f, 2m). My husband (34m) and I are high school sweethearts, together 17 years, and do not have kids (not for lack of trying, but bc of medical reasons sadly).
However, we absolutely adore our nieces and nephews.
However, because we don’t have children, my husband and I are often left out (unintentionally I’m sure) or forgotten when it comes to events/trips/invites/etc. Most often, it’s my mom that forgets to tell us about anything going on.
Then when she casually brings up what she and my sisters and kids have planned, I’ll say something like ‘Thanks for letting us know’ or ‘thanks for the invite’ and she’ll of course apologize and I know it’s sincere, but it happens so often it hurts.
She spends hundreds of dollars on both sisters and their kids see both families all the time, but can’t manage to call or visit when my husband has a serious medical procedure or transplant rejection issue.
My family started talking about going on a trip for Halloween (this weekend coming up).
It was supposed to be my parents, Krista and her family, my 10-year-old niece, and myself. Josie, 16m, 13f decided to stay back for personal reasons, and my husband is not going for personal reasons also. Well last week, my mom tells me that she doesn’t think she will be going anymore.
She was diagnosed with cancer 2 months ago and has started her chemo pills at treatment.
I completely understand her not wanting to go. It just made me sad bc she just went on a trip up north, rode segways, went to the gardens, parks, etc. But again, I understand that she is dealing with her side effects.
However, in her next breath, she tells me she’s planning on going on vacation Halloween weekend with Krista to do the exact same thing we had planned to do, but at another location. Once she said this, I asked to verify, ‘Oh, so you’re going with Krista to… to do…’ and she said ‘yeah’.
I was upset. I asked her how she could manage to do that activity with Krista, but not with me if she was dealing with her side effects (I nor my husband was not invited to go with them). Her response… ‘it’s different’.
My dad says ‘honey, tell her how it’s different’. She had no response. I told my mom I was sympathetic to what she was going through, but I didn’t appreciate her once making me feel like she cared more for my sister than me, bailing on me, and using her cancer as the reason to cancel with me, but still going with Krista.
I left shortly after and haven’t spoken to her since. AITJ for being upset that my mom bailed on me again even though she has cancer and is dealing with side effects?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Here is the thing: make sure you do enough that you won’t ever feel guilty for not having been there for her cancer.
Whatever that amount is (only you can know.)
Outside of that, it is time to accept – though it is painful – that your presence just isn’t necessary to or even wanted by them. Act accordingly by finding things for your spouse and self to do – use social media, friendships, neighborhood stuff, whatever, to have your own calendar events.
It can be hard, especially at first. And leave that family stuff behind. Sometimes people just won’t let you be a part of things. And once you’ve tried explaining to them what is happening, and how it hurts in a mature way, there isn’t much else you can do.
You tried.” aviditie01
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s obvious she favors your sisters at least a little bit more even if she doesn’t think so, if she really was sorry for not including you, making plans with them after canceling yours, and not calling as often as she does them, then she would make an effort to try and call, visit, make plans with you more often, instead of saying ‘it’s different’.
I would sit down with mommy dearest and have a serious conversation about your feelings and how they have been hurt numerous times by her, ‘mom, every time I see you spending time with my sisters, making plans with them, I wonder why you don’t seem to care enough about me to do those things with me.
I know they have kids, and you are excited about being Grandma, but you’re my mom too, I want to do things with you too, you always mention things you do with them and act sorry when I’m not invited or even in the know about the plans but it doesn’t seem like you are sorry because you don’t ever make it a point to mention or invite me.’
Ask her why ‘it’s different’ when it comes to making plans with you and not them, they have kids so you would think it would be harder to see them because of school and friends. It seems like she doesn’t make an effort when it comes to you because you don’t have kids, it’s not like you don’t because you don’t like or want them, as you said you can’t because of medical reasons, if you had kids I wonder if she would make more of an effort to be around you or your kids, I guess we’ll never know.
It hurts being left out, whether it be friends, family, or work, especially if it seems to happen on a regular basis like your post makes it sound. Always having plans discussed but never being included in them, finding out after they happen, and being left to wonder ‘why wasn’t I invited, do they not like me?’, obviously you aren’t entitled to anyone’s time but when it happens to this extent it sure feels like looking in from the outside especially when it comes to your own family.
OP, you need to consider if you want to continue having a relationship with your mom, whether that be low contact or cut off cold turkey, this is not good for your mental and emotional health in the long run.
You need someone who loves you, cares about your feelings and will take the time to be there for you in good or bad times, not someone who is going to say they want to be there and never deliver.” dependabledepression
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and OP, I think that you are making too many excuses for your mom. I think that it really sucks accepting that people hurt us because it’s even more painful to accept that their intentions at heart weren’t good.
The truth is that if you care about someone, truly care about them, then when that person expresses that you’ve done something that hurts them, you would feel genuine remorse and try to make sure that it doesn’t happen again.
All of the behaviors I’ve seen you describe here of your mom are classic in dysfunctional families. Empty words of apology, zero effort to actually change their behavior or remedy the situation, and giving gifts instead. You get made to look like the bad guy if you don’t graciously love or accept the gift, but she hasn’t actually addressed in any meaningful way spending more time with you.
It’s really unfortunate timing with her diagnosis, but it seems like you’ve already addressed it with her. She’s not going to change if she doesn’t want to change, and it’s most likely that she’s going to keep doing this, which is going to keep hurting you, and the more you put up with this behavior, the more you reinforce that she can get away with it.” burnt—–toast
4. AITJ For Wanting To Wear High Heels On My Wedding?
“My fiance (31) is short. His height has always been a source of insecurity for him, and he takes others’ comments too seriously.
With our wedding approaching, He asked if I’d consider wearing flat shoes at the wedding. I was confused, like very confused I asked if he was joking but he went on a rant about how doesn’t want to be made fun of at his own wedding.
and that if I choose to wear high heels then we will look ‘awkward’ in the photos and in front of the guests. I refused and he kept calling me selfish and inconsiderate and said that I prioritized a bare of high heels over his comfort and happiness for the big day.
He had his mom involved and she is pushing me to reconsider. When I refused to discuss it she said that my unwillingness to cooperate is a huge indicator of my level of maturity, she then went on a long rant about what lengths ‘real wives’ are willing to go to to help out their husbands and said that I’m apparently too immature and shallow to be committed in a marriage if I make such an issue out of it.
Am I being selfish? It’s not just about what I want but the high heels help make the wedding dress look better and I feel like I deserve to look my best at my own wedding just like every bride’s dream.
His insecurity is preventing me from getting that. AITJ?
Edit: To clarify, I’m slightly taller but he said he doesn’t want me to look any taller than that.
The guests he was talking about are his male friends and the men in his family.
They comment on his height all the time and call him names from ‘shorty, koala, Lil D, hobbit’ and the list is long. They even have a list of jokes about him.
Like I said, I’m slightly taller and he doesn’t want me to be any taller.
We had similar arguments about this height issue before but this is the first time he asked me not to wear heels. Other times he let me wear them but sometimes refuses to attend events with me.
I’m 27 for those who are asking about my age.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ lady! You guys need marriage counseling – and not the religious kind! He got his mother involved in your affairs like he was a pre-teen. He also wants to control you even though you can’t change the way he feels about himself or the way the world views him.
Honestly, with these issues, I wouldn’t say that he is ready for marriage. If you continue without sorting this out he will always bring his mother into your arguments. Grown-ups do not feel the need to have their mother act as a supporter when they disagree upon something in their marriage.
She also has no place in your wardrobe! If he is focused on how you make him look on his wedding day there are huge issues going on.
Edit to add that his mother’s opinion on his height is part of the problem – she should have been teaching him his whole life that his height is not the only thing people notice about him and helping him get over his preoccupation with it.” enonymousCanadian
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You are marrying someone who you acknowledged is sensitive about this issue but despite loving him enough to marry him, you love the idea of your outfit looking a certain way enough to totally shut down conversation and refuse to acknowledge his feelings about how HE looks on this day.
I won’t pass judgment on his insecurities but I will on his handling of them. He also just unilaterally makes a declaration of what will happen without meaningful consideration for your feelings and then – the most jerk part – he deploys his mother like a maternal drone to fight for him while he sits in the distance.
Neither of you seen particularly invested in the other’s feelings and you don’t appear to have tried to compromise of which there are many…” SpeakerCareless
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your to-be husband has the right to feel confident on his wedding day, but so do you.
He shouldn’t have to tell you to not wear something that amplifies your confidence to soothe his ego. No one should be able to dictate how you dress. (If he’s worried about being shorter, it’s on him to find clothing/shoes/hairstyles that add to his height.)
Talk to your fiance about cutting anyone from the invite list who would mock your fiance. They’re not true friends if they would poke at his insecurities on his wedding day.
Have a serious talk with your fiance about boundaries.
If he’s bringing his mother into your arguments now, it’s a good indicator that he will for others in the future. Talk about that now unless you want your future mother-in-law to be a third party in your future marriage.
Talk to your fiance about him getting therapy for his low self-esteem. He deserves to feel comfortable in his own skin and needs to learn how to practice self-love (without trying to diminish others to make himself feel better).” kmg_94
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – you want to look and feel exactly as you believe you should for your wedding, without any sense of irony in that you don’t care that your fiance has the same desire/right.
This is something to be discussed, not simply dismissed because it is your ‘right’ as if that is the only thing that matters.
That being said, involving his mother puts him equally in jerk territory himself. And also throws up a few red flags.
If his mother’s views on what a ‘proper wife should be doing for her husband’ have been instilled in him, you are going to have issues down the road as well.
Even if I had wanted to use my mother in such a situation as a sounding board or type of support… It would be to have someone to have a sympathetic ear for me.
I would never expect or even allow my mother to interject like that.” JayMonster65
3. AITJ For Kicking Out My Husband's Relatives?
“My husband passed away 37 days ago from cancer.
He didn’t have a good relationship with the family, as we are a straight couple, but he came from a wealthy family and the house we lived in was a gift from his parents (before he came out).
We dated for 3 years until we discovered the cancer and that it was already very aggressive and in the terminal phase, then we got married because it was our dream.
It was something very rushed and we even tried to invite their parents (the answer was no).
Because of this, knowing the nature of his parents, he asked me to make it a specific type of civil marriage so that I would be entitled to everything before and after the wedding (if it was another, the parents would be entitled to things in his name acquired before marriage).
This is protected by law, not illegal.
The party was wonderful with a few people (10).
My sweet husband survived for 9 months. He finally had his well-deserved rest.
I was numb, despite having prepared for months for this moment… I couldn’t even stay at the house, my mother took me to sleep at her house for a few days.
I ended up getting a notification from the home security system (6 days after all) and when I went to see the cameras, my husband’s entire family was there with a big truckload of moves.
His sister he trusted had a spare key because she took care of our animals many times while we were traveling, and they used it.
I went there and I admit that I blew up, and cursed even the tenth generation of the family, and even more so my SIL.
They started to say that they were entitled to everything because the house and furniture were all acquired before the marriage and that I shouldn’t act surprised if, by law they can and that after resolving in court, they would see about it, but until then they would keep it, so I don’t sell anything.
I cursed even more and said that they had no right because my husband knew very well how they were and assured me that everything went to me (I talked about the civil marriage type).
They were surprised and started to say that this is not correct, because at least the house was theirs, as it was given as a gift, but they left after I said I would call the police if they didn’t leave and kept harassing me about the matter.
I had to swap numbers because of several numbers saying I’m an opportunistic gold digger and that I should be aware that this house truly doesn’t belong to me.
I know I’m protected by law, but sometimes I wonder if I shouldn’t give up my house for peace.
AITJ?
The house is just his name and has no conditions, believe me, they tried to take the house away in the past.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Even IF you are wrong (and you are not) but IF anyway, the family doesn’t get to just show up and start taking things.
If there was a will, then it is the executor’s job to dole out things according to the will after properly doing the legal paperwork. If there is not a will then it has to go through probate. No matter what, no one legally is allowed to touch or take anything until the will is read or a probate court allows it.
In fact, a complete account of everything is needed before anything goes to anybody.
You should have called the police as soon as the alarm went off.” katamino
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I sincerely hope there is a will to protect you from this vindictive family.
I think you should talk to a lawyer. Also, change your locks and give no one new keys to keep the house in your possession. None of them deserve your trust anymore since they tried to steal his stuff. You should also file a police report again them and press a charge of theft for anything they removed from the home.
You also need to physically be there to prevent them from entering it and changing the locks on you. Get their behavior documented in case they try to come back and take it again. Most people aren’t going to leave alone an expensive house after he died. The buzzards are circling and this isn’t going to be the end of it.” depressivedarling
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but these are not things to be discussed with a bunch of people, movers, and such. Your husband has an estate. Get a lawyer and discuss this with the executor of the estate, then follow whatever the regulatory process is in your country to finish the inheritance.
Your husband’s family has no business talking with you whatsoever, and most certainly not repossessing things – that’s pure and simple theft, even if they were entitled to inherit something; it’s not theirs until the inheritance is officially assigned to someone.” nim_opet
2. AITJ For Not Renewing My Tenant's Lease?
“I (24f) bought a house that has a basement suite and upper suite.
When I bought the house I lived in the basement suite (1 bed 1 bath) and rented out the main floor (2 bed 1 bath) to help afford the mortgage on the house. I managed to get a tenant right away (a mom and teenage son).
When she first moved in she had already talked me 200 dollars down from my original asking price and after we agreed she told me she had dogs. I originally didn’t want pets in the house but I agreed and didn’t charge a pet fee.
The first year was great but it was during the global crisis and I didn’t live there for the first year I moved back with my parents. The second year was immediately harder. Right after we had signed the lease she told me she felt like I was overcharging for the space and was in a tough financial situation and asked if I could lower rent (my rent has utilities included).
I immediately told her I could take 100 dollars off her monthly rent for a couple of months but can’t do more than that. She told me that wasn’t enough and wanted another 100 dollars off because she could find another place to live for that cheap.
I told her I absolutely could not go any cheaper but I would let her out of the lease if she wanted to move.
That was when the complaints started getting really bad. Noise complaints, snow removal complaints (she said I had to shovel the sidewalk in front of the house, and I pointed out that it says in the lease that the front sidewalk is the duty of the upstairs Tenant), I got a puppy during the second year and it was constant complaints about my puppy including telling me when I was allowed to have him in the backyard.
Then without consulting me her partner and his dog moved in as well. Which I also didn’t charge her for.
So AITJ for not renewing the lease this year?”
Another User Comments:
“Your tenant thinks you are a toothless pushover landlord and is actually done testing the waters.
Confident, she is now pursuing overt and aggressive action because she thinks you won’t do anything. She is not in charge, you are. She has proven to be a bad customer and for the money, she pays, it’s not worth your while.
There are plenty of good tenants out there that don’t behave like this and are a pleasure to deal with. You know, people who don’t want to risk eviction and try renting elsewhere with that on their public record…
She doesn’t even know how good she has it.
Rents are up everywhere and she squeezed you down $300/month already. She is going to find out soon enough that she overplayed her hand.
My advice to you is to grow some spine and learn to say no to requests if they are not in your best interests.
And learn to enforce your lease. Because now you have 2 people, not 1 to evict if this problem grows and they refuse to lease, potentially double the time in court. You now have 2 people consuming your utilities that you supply. For problems like these, you have to get your arms around sooner rather than later.
You can’t be a timid people pleaser when you decide to be a landlord unless you want to be walked all over and taken advantage of. Or go find another line of work. Sorry to be so blunt.
Simply put, do what you need to do for the sake of your business.
Don’t renew this person. NTJ” BeeYehWoo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Have you ever heard of the phrase ‘nice to a fault’?
The $200/mo off the asking price was way too generous in the first place. That’s $2400 a year you just gave this woman.
Then she had the nerve to ask you for a cheaper rate.
‘and wanted another 100 dollars off because she could find another place to live for that cheap.’
Then she should move, and go live elsewhere since it sounds like a better deal – for her.
In other words, you’re calling her bluff and wishing her the best. Then she moved in with her partner? No! I don’t even know what to say about this but when she’s gone you need to do things differently: tightening up the lease to only include XYZ name(s) of who lives there.
Anyone else is a guest and guests are not allowed to stay for more than x nights in a row. Have them initial next to the snow shoveling, dog poop pickup, and dog deposit for any damages the dog does to the floors, wood, etc. Make the pet deposit $300 so people know you’re serious.
Document everything. I sure hope you have photos before she moved in, and hold her to each scratch on the wall that needs painting, stain on the carpet, or anything broken. Schedule a walk-through with her 1 month before she moves out and documents with photos of what needs to be fixed.
I’d let her out and hold onto her deposit for whatever the max is after moving out, in your state. And then give her none of it back because she flipping moved another human in there. Use that money to pay for security cameras, inside and out.
And make sure to change the locks. Don’t give her any reason why you wouldn’t give her the deposit back. Just say you’ll write a check on whatever the 15th is after she moves out. She sounds like a jerk, and she’s taking advantage of you.
She knows exactly what she’s doing.
I’d send her a cease and desist (certified through the mail) for moving her partner and dog in. Document that she has 30 days to move out due to her moving in with her partner.
Lack of shoveling. Stay level-headed even when they freak out and make threats. Be stern and see things through.” MilkCartonDandruff
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! I hate to say this but you need to stop being a pushover and grow a spine.
Absolutely do not renew the lease no matter what. Even if they try to make you feel bad, and they will. Stand your ground. Your life will become more miserable! You legally do not have to renew the lease! And give the least amount of time LEGALLY necessary (usually 30 days, some places are 60) because once you inform them they will make your life even worse!
It’s possible they might not pay the rent after being to because they’re mad (because you’re more than likely not going to go after them in court based on the description of how you’ve handled everything so far) and have more time to destroy things (not everyone does this, but with your given description of them there’s a chance!)” PlasticDazzling8011
OP is NTJ, check local laws and see what's needed to evict her already.
1. AITJ For Going To An Expensive Restaurant For My Birthday?
“For my sweet 16, my dad told me to choose a restaurant and celebrate there. There is a very cool new restaurant in our city that I wanted to try but it’s very expensive so we decided to go there for a special occasion.
I asked my dad if we can go there and he agreed. We also invited my grandparents and my aunt and cousins. They all can afford this kind of thing and want to come. We also invited my mom and a half and step siblings (My parents take turns throwing me a party and since my mom was the one who threw me a party last year it was my dad’s turn)
We celebrated my birthday and it was awesome but today when I arrived at my mom’s home she was so mad at me. She said I shouldn’t have chosen such an expensive restaurant and that she and my siblings couldn’t afford it so they ended up eating some side dish and went home hungry.
She said I’m a jerk but I didn’t force her to come.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because you’re a teenager and presumably you didn’t know better this time, but you’ve learned an important lesson for the future.
While you have every right to pick whatever venue you want for your celebrations, it’s always important to take into consideration what you and your guests can comfortably afford.
If you make a habit of always picking pricey places, you risk alienating those close to you who are less well-off than the rest. If you price someone important to you out of attending a celebration you want them at you’re typically left with only three options: a) find some way to help them raise the necessary funds to attend as planned, b) change the venue and plan to a more affordable alternative, or c) accept that the desired guest(s) will be unable to attend through no fault of their own and carry on as planned without them.
In this case, you put your mom into a very uncomfortable position where her only options were to either accept a financial burden she might not be able to afford in order to attend your party and support you on your special day, or be financially responsible and not attend the party, but risk disappointing her child on their birthday (possibly ruining her mother-daughter bond with you in the process).
That’s a no-win situation for your mom. While she shouldn’t have called you the jerk, her frustration in this situation is warranted and reasonable.
Hopefully these little ‘tidbits of wisdom’ will prove useful to you going forward.
Edit: This lesson will be especially important to remember should you decide to opt for a ‘destination wedding’ when your time to walk down the aisle comes.
Not everyone can afford to spend $2,000 on a plane ticket alone just to see someone get married on the beaches of Maui, or $1000 for a cabin aboard a 4-day cruise.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, since you knew everyone was going to pay their own way and you knew, or should have known, that some would not be able to afford such a place.
What you might have suggested to your dad is that he and you go to an expensive restaurant for your birthday and that the family should get together either at a significantly less expensive place or at home for a family celebration.
The lesson for you is that you should be mindful of others when putting together big events like this, especially if others are expected to pay their own way.” mooseandsquirrel78
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, okay, so your mother and her siblings, who are all adults, did not do their due diligence and look at the pricing and were upset by it because they left it as a surprise for themselves.
You, a minor, went over to your mother’s house and your mother immediately attacked you, a minor who was coming to stay in her home, for a perceived slight against her and her adult siblings. Why is she even in the first place in a faction with her and her siblings, rather than being with you, her child?
You didn’t force her to come, and your mom chose to stay as well. It’s fundamentally wrong that she attacked you about this and that all of them seemingly built up a sense that they are reasonable to foster resentment over it when you did nothing to them.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for how you handled it. You are coming across as a spoilt brat. You know your mum can’t afford it but you know she wants to celebrate with you. You could have talked to her and said you really want to go to X place but you know it’s expensive and would she like to do separate birthday celebrations this year.
Or you could have asked your dad to go with just him and you for one of your presents. You should be considerate. Your mum probably felt a lot of pressure to attend.” Cherry_clafoutis
